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caspira-writes-fanfiction · 25 days

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Finding Family (Fizz's Found Family)-Chapter 1

Fizz's First Performance

(tw: mentions of childhood neglect)

Being a kid in Greed wasn’t easy. The only way to survive was to be slippery, and find a way to forget some of the shit you saw. There weren’t many kids in greed, at least not that Fizzarolli knew of. Until recently, he spent most of his time hiding in whatever room or apartment his mother and him shared. He listened for footsteps and told her when people were at the door before the knocking was loud enough to feel in the floorboards. He hid when his mother told him to, blocking out the outside world by thinking of whatever could make him laugh. Later, when his mom was sad, he’d try to make her laugh with everything he’d thought of.

But he hadn’t been able to make Mama laugh in days.

Nobody had come to the door in two days. Mama hadn’t smiled in three. Instead she closed her eyes, effectively tuning her out from the world unless Fizz came to tickle her. She usually didn’t like that, though, so he hadn’t tried.

They’re living in one of the nicer apartments right now. It only has a small kitchen and the bathroom is down the hallways and shared with 10 other people on the floor, but this one has a mattress and a television. That’s better than the last place they were at. Fizz crawls from the mattress. Mama has been facing the wall for the last while. She doesn’t turn to look at him when he crawls off the mattress and turns on the television. He could leave the volume up, she wouldn’t notice, but he kept it silent. In case he had to listen to footsteps.

The screen flickered on, grainy and low contrast. Even with the poor quality of the screen, however, Fizz could see how colorful it was supposed to be. Bright Green striped the screen as a large Jester danced on a stage. He couldn’t hear what the man was saying but it didn’t matter. He was captivating. Fizz couldn’t keep his eyes off him.

Mammon he learned was the man’s name. Fizz liked how it sounded sort of like Mama on his tongue. He liked that they sounded similar. Both Mammon and Mama made him laugh, they made him want to be something great. The comfort of their similarities was Fizz's own personal secret, though. Mama couldn't hear him say either of their names, and Mama didn't smile when Fizz went on about Mammon anyway.

He practiced his juggling as often as he could. Whether it be balled up socks or pieces of paper. If he could swipe some fruit or potatoes, he’d practice with those until they needed to be eaten. Sometimes he’d tried with rocks. When he didn’t have anything to juggle, he worked on pantomime.

It wasn’t a secret, but he practiced the most when Mama wasn’t looking. Every time Fizz tried to talk about Mammon she rolled her eyes. No Money, She would tell him when he mentioned him. He didn’t understand what that had to do with anything yet. She said No money about a lot of things, it never stopped the two of them from dreaming before.

----

Mama taught Fizz how to dream at an early age. It’s important she’d tell him, If you can dream it, you can make it happen. You can do anything you set your mind to. When he’d wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, Mama would hold him and scratch between his horns.

What’s the dream you’d like to have? She’d smile at him and rock him. Sometimes he would tell her, sometimes he’d close his eyes and go back to sleep while thinking of all the wonderful things he could dream.

In the mornings when Mama would be getting ready for the day, Fizz would ask her about her dreams. Her answer was always the same: To get out of here. He never knew where here was, they were always in a new place. He didn’t argue, though. He just started thinking of all the new places they could go together.

When Mama would leave for work, Fizz would think about all the places they could go. He’d have a new story for her when she got home, something to make her smile. He loved making his Mama smile. On the nights that Mama didn’t come home, Fizz would curl up under his blanket and think of all the wonderful dreams he could have. Sometimes, he managed to dream of something nice.

____

Mammon quickly became his dream. This could be their escape. If he could be as talented as Mammon was, he could get Mama out of here. If he could be good enough, Mama would smile again.

After a week of sneaking Mammon’s television program every moment he could, the screen changed. Instead of the clown’s face looking back at him, a big OVERDUE notice was on the screen. Fizz didn’t know how to read, he didn’t know what it meant, he just knew that Mammon wasn’t on the television anymore.

He told himself it didn’t matter. Today he was going to try his act for his mother. She’d gotten out of bed today, she’d left the house before Fizz woke up. She’d left two dollars on the counter. That was more money than Fizz had been entrusted with ever. Today was going to be a good day. Today, he was going to get Mama to smile. Today he was going to be like Mammon.

Five year old Fizzarolli had never been farther than his quarter of these mazing slums alone, but with two whole dollars! Who knew what he could do? He knew to lock the door before he left, but Mama didn’t leave a key. He made sure one of the windows was unlocked, but a small one. The bathroom, then. Fizz tucked his two dollars into his pocket, double locked the front door and headed to the bathroom. He was small enough to fit through the top latch of the window. All he had to do was climb onto the toilet, hop onto the windowsill, and shimmy up the frame until he could pull himself out. Then, he had to find the small sill on the outside and stand on it so that he could close the window again. Mama hated when he left the windows open.

Two dollars, it turns out, could not get you a lot in Greed. Fizz managed to make his way out of the complex without much notice. He walked towards the bus stop like him and Mama did to go to the market. The bus took both of his dollars and gave him change and a small blue and green card in return. It was three stops to the market. He could still get something magical for Mama there.

He was lucky that Mama had gotten him new clothes a few weeks ago. You’re getting so big. She said after pulling an oversized sweater over him. You need bigger clothes to fit into. These should last you awhile. Bigger clothes also meant that he could sneak more things. He was small, cute, easy to distract and great with his hands. When he was with Mama, he’d hide under her skirt and take whatever was low hanging enough and tasty looking. Today he was looking for juggling materials.

Three meager potatoes hid in the imp’s sleeve that he cradled to his arm, pretending it was injured. He tried slipping an apple into his pocket as well, but was caught and forced to surrender the rest of his change in exchange for it. It was worth it though, and nobody ever caught on about the potatoes.

The hell hound driving the bus points at Fizz’s ticket when he gives it to her. ONE WAY is printed in big letters. She explained he needed to pay more if he wanted to ride the bus, but he’d spent all of his money on the first bus and his apple so he got off and walked. He followed the bus’s path home. Four more passed him as he walked. He found a newspaper that wasn’t too dirty and even managed to pick a few flowers growing from cracks in the gutter. His legs were sore and he was tired when he finally made it back to their tiny apartment, but the five year old Fizzarolli’s heart was happy.

It wasn’t the easiest crawl back in from the bathroom window, but he’d climbed through plenty of windows before. He had to pull himself up onto the windowsill first, then scoot the window down from the top. He was thankful that he didn’t have to walk back on his arms, because he wouldn’t have been able to pull himself up and inside if they were as sore as his legs were.

When he heard the familiar footsteps of Mama many hours later, Fizzarolli straightened. He waited in the dark, doing his best to hide his excitement. He’d crafted a hat out of newspaper, a simple cone with the gutter flowers poking out the top. It was a little lopsided and unstable, but he considered it another challenge. A balancing act. When the lights turned on and Fizz was met with his mother’s face staring at him, the little imp lit up.

Introducing the great Fizzarolli! He signed, his smile so wide it made his cheeks hurt. He held onto his hat as he bowed. First act: juggling. Except this was a trick. Oh, Mama was going to be so impressed!

Fizz pretended to take his three potatoes out of his pocket. His eyebrows raised as he looked down at the invisible balls in his hand. He practiced the movements of juggling, his eyes following the invisible movement of the balls before looking over at her. She wasn’t smiling yet, but her attention was on him. He took the opportunity to act as though he’d dropped one of the balls and they’d hit him on the head.

The door closed behind Mama and he could see the beginnings of a smile. The act picked up. Fizzarolli picked the invisible balls up and threw them behind him, looking back to make sure he hadn’t broken a window. He could hear the soft snort that meant Mama thought he was being cute. He pulled the potatoes out of his pocket and juggled them. He alternated between standing on one leg and standing on both. He couldn’t juggle them for longer than six or seven seconds at a time, but it didn’t matter. By the time his show was over, Mama was laughing.

He ran into her arms after his bows. He’d missed his Mama so much.

My little jester. She signed, pressing her horns against his. He could feel tears drip onto his head. She must be so proud of him.

That night, Fizz fell asleep thinking about his Mama’s smile.

______________________________________________________________

Lifetimes later, Fizzarolli finds himself awake in his palace. He is no longer alone; Asmodeous sleeps sprawled on his back and snoring while Fizz tries to calm to the rise and fall of his love’s chest. Fizz is safe, but he’s not settled.

He can’t remember Mama’s face anymore.

Asmodeus roused a while later. He was becoming accustomed to waking up in the middle of the night without the usual weight of Fizzarolli on his chest. This was the third time this week Fizz had run off in the middle of the night. It had been less than a month since Fizz had quit Mammon and ever since Fizz had been…..all over the place. The king sighed as he accepted his fate for the night. He just hoped Fizz would be easy to find. The last time Fizz got up in the night, Ozzie found him in the kitchen cupboards halfway through a box of Bee’s cotton candy cereal. He wasn’t even picking out just the marshmallows.

Something hit him in the head followed by a dejected sigh that has Asmodeus up and alert in an instant. The light contrast of Fizzarolli’s night cap flitting around the trapeze above their bed let Asmodeus know that Fizz hadn’t left the room.

“Froooooggy” Ozzie’s voice sang from his spot in their bed. He sounded amused, it was the easiest way to keep the concern from edging in.

Fizz didn’t answer him.

Asmodeus sighed and floated up to Fizz’s height. He looked exhausted, not unlike how he’d looked in the days leading up to Mamm’s contest. “Babe, come on back to bed. Tell me what’s on your mind? I’ll give you a rub down...we can just talk.” Fizz wouldn’t look at him, no matter which angle Ozzie tried to catch his eye. Gentle worry turned to a more fiery concern.

“Fizzy”

I’m fine! Fizz signed, wadded up balls of paper fell from his hands as his arms grew in size to make his message very clear. Fizz had never signed to him before, and it happened so fast that Asmodius barely registered what he’d done until it was over and Fizz was flipping him off. His face, however, showed no malice in it. He looked sad. When Oz didn’t waver, he watched Fizzarolli’s face crumple. The clown leaned backwards, letting himself fall safely for a while before catching himself with his legs so he could hang upside down.

“You’re not fine. Fiz, this is the third night this week you’ve been up doing some bullshit instead of sleeping. What is on your mind, Fizzy Frog?” Ozzie had been patient when Fizz didn’t want to talk all the previous nights, but Fizz hadn’t pushed him away like this then. “Is this about Mammon still? I’ve told you, Fizzy. I’ve got it covered. I don’t care what he says about us. And you still have a career if you want one. You are the most talented, inspiring, creative, original-”

“It’s not about Mammon!” The room was suddenly very quiet.

Fizz was crying.

“Talk to me, Froggy.”

Fizzarolli let his body go limp. Ozzie worried that he was going to hurt himself in the fall from the trapeze to the bed but Fizz was a natural performer, he knew exactly how to fall. Fizarrolli caught himself at just the right time, curling up into a ball and pressing his knees to his chest as soon as his body hit the mattress. Ozzie returned to the bed and sat beside him.

The gentle sound of sobs filled the silence. Ozzie’s hand rubbed circles against Fizzarolli’s back until he was ready to speak again.

“I-I’m….I’m dreaming about Mama again.”

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caspira-writes-fanfiction · 14 days

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Finding Family (Fizz's Found Family)-Chapter 7

Flying (pt. 1)

(tw: implied DV and substance use but nothing graphic)

The calendar Mama made was taped to the wall next to their mattress. It was written on the back of a paper bag with two markers. It was all just black boxes except for one; one of the boxes at the end of the calendar was circled in red. Fizzarolli didn’t understand it at first, he asked why that box was red. He asked if it was special.

’You’re so smart, baby’ She would tell him as she patted his head. Why was it special? Mama’s eyes changed when he asked that. He didn’t know if it was good or not. It took him lots of asking before she finally gave him an answer.

‘Is it a holiday? Do we have an appointment? Is someone coming over? Will there be cake? Is it your birthday? Is it my birthday? Will we dance?’

’Yes, baby’ Her hands caught the nearly six year old Fizzarolli’s and stilled him from his incessant questioning. She took one resound breath, her face turning almost dreamy as she exhaled. ‘It’s all of those things and more. It’s a special day, Fizzarolli, because we’ll be leaving.’

Fizzarolli didn’t know what that meant, Mama didn’t answer any of his other questions. Instead she asked ‘Where do you want to go?’ That answer was always the same. Fizzarolli wanted to go to the circus.

They’d been counting down the days together. Every night before bed, Fizzarolli would mark off another day. Fizzarolli worked harder and harder at his clown skills. If they were going to the circus, he wanted to be able to fit the part. Mama started holding him closer at night, she told him she loved him twice as often. Mammon might not be on the TV anymore, but Mama was taking him to the circus! They were going to go on their first big adventure. Mama had always wanted to go on an adventure, and Fizzarolli did too.

On the morning of the red box, Fizzarolli woke from the most wonderful dream. He and Mama had gone on a crazy adventure where they met a circus man who took them to the moon! And they ate cotton candy and floated around and danced along the stars. He couldn’t wait to tell Mama all about it!

But Mama wasn’t home. Fizzarolli had woken up alone. That’s okay Fizzarolli thought to himself. Mama’s probably going potty, or getting things for our adventure! Their things already looked packed. Their two largest cloth bags sat opposite the mattress in their small apartment and it looked like all of their things were inside them. Fizz was careful not to make a mess, but couldn’t help but look through them.

Fizzarolli knew how to be patient, he knew how to wait. Recently, if Mama wasn’t home when Fizzarolli woke up, he would venture down to the small alleyway in the complex where the few other children his age tended to hang out. They had lots of fun climbing and hiding, the other kids taught Fizz how to use his voice better and to stand up for himself. He tried teaching them to juggle. Fizzarolli had even l learned to balance on the metal barrels that the older kids used to set things on fire in! Today, though, he stayed inside waiting for Mama. Today was going to be their big adventure.

Fizzarolli waited and waited and waited. Today was the day, he knew it was. He wondered when Mama was going to come. Footsteps approached the door, but they weren’t Mamas. They were heavy clomp, clomp, clomp. Powerful feet, angry feet. Fizzarolli knew what to do when The Footsteps came stomping up to their door. Fizzarolli hid.

The cupboards were his favorite spot to hide. They were quick to get into and thick. They muffled the sound better than other spots he’d tried before and they made him feel safe. Fizzarolli was quick, he scampered into the big corner cabinet in the kitchen. It was his favorite one.

The knocking was loud, but Fizzarolli knew to ignore it. Usually Mama was here when the knocking came, usually she took care of it. Still, Fizzarolli knew better than to answer The Footsteps. There was yelling too, but Fizzarolli was already halfway to the circus in his mind. They were going on an adventure today, focus on the adventure.

He snapped out of it when he heard Mama’s keys. Fizzarolli sat up and started to push out of the cupboard but the voice from The Footsteps froze him. Fizzarolli curled back up and continued hiding. He hated when The Footsteps came inside.

They followed Mama’s footsteps, close behind and heavy. The Footsteps were always meant to intimidate. The Footsteps said words, angry words, bigger words than Fizz understood. That’s stupid Fizzarolli thought. She’s not going to hear you but that didn’t stop The Footsteps from saying them anyway. Then Fizzarolli heard a bang! Not a bang like the guns or fireworks, a bang like something being thrown, or shoved. He heard a gasp, and more bangs. He heard his mother crying.

Fizzarolli couldn’t move. He knew better than to let The Footsteps see him, but he couldn’t move if he wanted to. He wanted to help his Mama, but he was frozen. Fizzarolli closed his eyes and covered his ears. What dream do you want to have? They were running away today, they were going to the circus. It was a special day, it was his birthday, he decided. He’d asked Mama and she’d said so, why else would they be going on an adventure?

They were going to the circus today. They were running away. They were living their dreams.

The circus was going to be amazing. It wasn’t The Footsteps making noises outside, it was horses. Nobody was crying, they were laughing. The sky was pink or purple or blue, one of Mama’s favorite colors. Everything was fine.

Fizzarolli counted until one hundred after the door had slammed shut so loud the walls shook. That’s how long he had to wait until he could come outside. Hopefully Fizzarolli would find Mama, packed and ready to leave for their adventure. Or maybe she would be laying on the mattress and he could curl up in her arms and they could just be. When Fizzarolli somersaulted out of the cabinet and stood up for his bow, he was alone.

The apartment was a mess. All of the things from their bags had been thrown around the room. The TV was broken, the mattress was in the wrong place. Fizzarolli felt scared.

‘Mama’ Fizz signed, though he knew that wasn’t going to do any good. He wanted to cry, but he also knew that wouldn’t do any good. Fizzarolli was brave, his Mama told him so all the time. Brave boys didn’t cry, even when they wanted to.

Fizzarolli started to clean. Mama would come home and be so proud of him for all the work he’d done. Then they’d go on their adventure! Fizzarolli worked and worked until everything was back in the bags and as clean as he could manage. The sun was starting to get low. It would be dark soon. Fizzarolli felt scared again. The calendar on the wall was circled red today. Today was the day they left. Today was the day they went to the circus. Fizzarolli didn’t want to be here alone when it was dark. He didn’t know what would happen if he was here tomorrow when today they were supposed to leave.

The bags packed were too big for Fizzarolli to carry by himself. He had to unpack them all again and choose what he could take. The sweater Mama got him a few months ago still fit. It wasn’t as big anymore, but it was far from being small. Mama had sewn two colorful pockets on the inside of the jacket, for secrets she’d tell him with a smile. Fizzarolli fit all of the money that he could find. He was good with coins, he liked how they jingled in his pocket when he had enough. He knew what they all meant, too, and how to add them together. He had $7.82, that was almost $8 and eight was almost 10! While one of the moneys was a $3 bill, the rest of it was in change. Fizzarolli had never been so jingly.

He also took with him three dried limes. They made great juggling balls, he’d learned. He stuffed them in his side pockets. Mama and Fizz had two pictures in their things. Fizzarolli took the older of the two and put it in his other inside pocket. It showed two little girls, only a bit older than Fizzarolli was now. One of them with hair split down the middle, half white half black. The other had naturally white tips, it appeared, with her hair being black on top. Both of them had matching haircuts and were sitting on the wooden steps of a porch. He knew that one of them was Mama from when she was little. Fizzarolli left the picture of him and his Mama at the apartment for her in case she came back. She might just be coming on the adventure later, or maybe she’s already left. She’d find Fizzarolli, she knew where they were going.

With the coins jingling in his pocket, Fizzarolli left his & Mama’s small little apartment with the TV that gave him his dream. He closed the door, took a deep breath, waved goodbye to their home, and left for his adventure.

By the time he’d made it to the circus the sun had set. Fizzarolli’s feet hurt from walking so far and he was a little cold, but he forgot about all of that as soon as he saw the lights and heard the calliope music ahead of him. It was glorious. It wasn’t Mammon’s show, it was smaller than that but to the almost six year old Fizzarolli, it was paradise.

The aspiring jester smiled up happily at the ticket master as he paid for his entrance in exact change. When the demon stamped his hand and gave him an admission ticket, Fizzarolli tossed him an extra penny. That was called a tip. Mama had told him that’s what you did when people who worked hard did a good job. He smiled brighter when he heard the ticket master laugh.

Everything at the circus was magical. Fizzarolli didn’t know where to start first. He wandered down the main alley. There were clowns on stilts and imps selling sparkly toys and roasted nuts. Posters lined the sides of carriages with posters of their acts. Images of goddesses riding horses, men taming beasts, towers of ladders held together by demons floating in the air with nothing but their strength and cooperation; A large poster of a woman, tall and dark with soft black hair kind of like Mama’s flying in fine silks. Fizzarolli played with the dried limes in his pocket. He wanted to start juggling right then and there, but before he could start he was distracted by two clowns about his age. A boy and a girl, both dressed in colorful jumpsuits with large fuzzy buttons down the front. The girl had ribbons wrapped round her horns with bells at the end.

“Big Top Show in ten minutes! Don’t miss it, don’t miss it!” the boy yelled out as he wove between the crowd, attracting people towards the big tent in the center of the circus grounds. Behind him, the girl with ribbons in her horns did cartwheels.

“Greatest show you’ve ever seen!” She jingled with every flip.

Fizzarolli did not want to miss that. He was quick to follow after them. This was fun! Fizzarolli tried to do a cartwheel too, he managed a somersault. He giggled the entire time.

The Big Top was even better than a dream. It looked big on the outside, obviously, but somehow it got even larger once he stepped inside. There were rows and rows of seats, and three big rings for entertainment*. Fizzarolli raced up to the closest seat he could manage to get. The children he’d followed had disappeared, but that didn’t matter. There was so much to look at just now. He had yet to see how much there would be to look at in a few minutes, when the lights went up and the show started.

When the lights dimmed and the drum started, they could have been his heartbeat he was so excited. Music started playing and then the drums got louder…...no it wasn’t drums. Fizzarolli could see fiery plasmic manes of horses galloping from one of the tent’s side entrances. The lights went up and Fizz could see the women from the posters on top of them. Beautiful, glittering dresses glimmered under the lights. Ornately dressed performers stood atop horses. Some two wide, with a foot on each horse. Others came out in handstands, their legs in the air.

Above them, gymnasts in all sorts of colorful costumes flew. Clowns juggling balls and clubs danced around the rings, some on stilts others low to the ground. A knife thrower narrowly missed his bedazzled target five times over. There was so much to look at, Fizzarolli did his best not to blink. He could have watched this show forever and never been bored. He didn’t even know how long he’d been there when the lights went down again and the show was over. That was the most amazing thing he’d ever seen.

Fizzarolli wandered out of the Big Top disoriented and amazed. He wandered around the grounds, halfway stuck in his memories, partially trying to take in everything that was still there. This was it, this was his dream. Fizzarolli’s attention turned when he heard the jingling again. The clown kids!

Fizzarolli was good at being quiet, he was good at sneaking around. He followed the jingling. It wasn’t particularly easy to figure out, but Fizzarolli liked puzzles, and when he got close enough to the jingling he found a different world entirely. Just as amazing, but in a very different way. Fizzarolli couldn’t even find the jingling anymore. It seemed to be coming from lots of different places. A lot of the performers jingled.

Fizz looked for a quiet spot, he was a little turned around and he didn’t want to get in trouble. He found one behind some crates behind the menagerie. He counted to fifteen then took out his limes. He liked juggling, it was calming. He had to focus when he was juggling, it eased his nerves.

“That’s pretty good” a voice from above him commented. Fizzarolli dropped his limes and looked up. It was the little clown boy. “You’re not supposed to be back here, you know. Who are you?”

Fizzarolli’s back straightened. He signed his name to the other, and frowned when he looked at Fizzarolli strangely. Fizz continued and spelled his name with his fingers like he was supposed to. The little clown boy still looked confused.

“Can you talk?”

Fizzarolli nodded, then remembered that he had to actually use his voice. “Yes.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m on an adventure!” Fizzarolli looked up at the other boy. He was very tall when standing on all those boxes. He had to be good at climbing too if he had gotten up there so quickly and quietly that Fizz didn’t notice. “Who are you?” his fingers signing along with the question.

“The name’s Blitzo, this is my family’s circus.” Fizzarolli’s eyes lit up with excitement, he quickly crawled up the crates Blitzo was standing on to get closer to him.

“I saw you earlier! You were really good!” Fizz felt excitement when Blitzo smiled in response. He continued. “I want to be a clown too! Just like you!”

Blitzo studied Fizzarolli. He pursed his lips, then nodded. “Show me what you can do.”

Fizzarolli sprang from his spot, doing a somersault in the air and landing on his feet. He’d never done it before, but he saw one of the slightly bigger kids from his home do it off of the dumpsters. He’d studied it, this was the best time to try. He didn’t land on his feet, but he almost did. When he landed on his butt, he rolled off of it and jumped back up. Fizzarolli did his best to amaze the boy staring at him. He did the routine he’d made for Mama as best he could. He had to keep reminding himself to talk instead of sign this time, though. By the time he was taking his bows, he heard the jingling approach him again.

“Barbie, come here!”

The clown girl who’d been cartwheeling ran over to the two of them. She looked at Fizzarolli, frowned, then looked up at Blitzo. “What the heaven is this, Blitz?”

“He wants to be a clown!”

“I like your jingles” Fizzarolli chimed in, pointing to the bells at the end of Barb’s horns. She stopped and smiled at Fizz briefly before turning back to Blitzo.

“Where did you find him?”

“I followed you!” Fizzarolli replied. “I heard your jingles and I tried to find you again. I saw your cartwheels. It was really fun. I want to do that too!” Fizzarolli started to try and do a cartwheel, but he ended up chickening out and doing a somersault instead. He didn’t know how to do a cartwheel yet.

“He can juggle, and he did a flip!” Blitz replied. Barb looked skeptical, but Blitz was able to convince her to help teach him how to juggle between two people. He picked it up quickly enough to pique Barb’s interest.

“What’s your name?” She asked. Again, Fizzarolli told her the only way he knew how. He signed it, then he spelled it with his fingers. She looked just as confused as Blitzo had. “Where are you from?” Fizzarolli shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

Barb frowned. “We should take him to Buttons.”

Buttons was another clown, Fizzarolli learned. They lived in a tent not too far from where the three kids were. Buttons was large, he towered over Fizzarolli. He was still partially in his costume which, rather obviously, was covered in buttons. There was another person in the tent. A woman still in most of her costume: an off the shoulder white blouse and black bloomer like pants. Her corset was striped in a V shape alternating black and white and her shoes were black with white poms on them. Their tent was filled with sparkly things, Fizzarolli was enamored by it.

“Little jesters!” the deep voice greeted the children. His face changed when he noticed a third following behind them. “Who’s your friend?”

“We don’t know!” Blitzo cheered. Barb elbowed him in the ribs.

“We need your help with his name.” Both of the adults looked at each other curiously before nodding. Buttons looked down at Fizzarolli and nodded.

“Go on, then. What’s your name?”

For the third time today Fizzarolli did as he was taught to do when introducing himself. Fizzarolli gave his name sign, then spelled it with his fingers. Fizz watched as Buttons pursed his lips in contemplation. It was a couple seconds before he spoke.

“Fizzarolli.”

It sounded strange. He didn’t know how to fit it in his mouth, but he liked the way Buttons said it. Fizzarolli signed again. Buttons complied. They did this twice more before the black and white woman got Fizzarolli’s attention.

‘Have you never heard your name before?’ Fizzarolli shook his head. She nodded, and hopped down off of her seat to get to Fizzarolli’s level. ‘My name is Mimi’ Her tumb bent under all but her last finger on both hands, pressed up to her face and curled out like cat whiskers, her thumbs popping back to the side and pinkies turning up into i’s by the whiskers ends. Fizzarolli giggled. ‘Who gave you your name sign?’ Mimi asked.

‘Mama’

‘Are you an entertainer?’ Fizzarolli had to think about that. He didn’t know what he was, really. He knew what entertain meant, though. He liked to entertain Mama. That’s the only person he’d ever really performed for, but that had to count, right? Fizzarolli shook his head yes.

‘Where’s your Mama now?’ Fizzarolli felt scared. He didn’t know where his Mama was, but he was a brave boy. Brave boys didn’t show how they were scared. She was going to come here and find him. She knew where they were going.

‘She’s coming’

Mimi pestered him further. She asked what that meant, and when he didn’t know how to answer, she asked where he lived.

‘Today’s the red box day. The day we leave.’ Mimi and Buttons stayed silent, both of them looked at Fizzarolli with concern. He felt his chest tighten, he needed to explain himself more. ‘It’s a special day. We’re leaving, coming here for my birthday, then going on an adventure.’

“Did she come here with you?” Buttons asked. It startled Fizzarolli at first, but he shook his head no quickly. The frowns from the adults grew. Fizzarolli felt weird, he didn’t like the looks they were giving him.

‘Why not, Fizzarolli?’ Mimi pressed her index finger and thumb together and twisted it against her nose. It was like little jester. Fizzarolli’s name sign used to be something different, but Mama changed it after his first performance. He liked it more, too. It was like clown, but with an F and that’s what Fizzarolli wanted to be.

The question made Fizz’s stomach feel a little bit sick, but he answered the question regardless. ‘She was coming home but The Footsteps came' Fizzarolli tried to explain The Footsteps. He tried to explain how he hid, and what he heard, and that he knew Mama was coming back but he didn’t want to stay when it was dark out, so he was going to find her here. Somewhere in it all his hands got all mixed up, though, and his vision foggy. Fizzarolli hadn’t realized he was crying until Mimi tapped him on the shoulder and motioned for him to come closer.

Fizzarolli fell into her arms and wept, he could feel her arms wrap him up so carefully and so safely. She began to rock him. He couldn’t see the look on her face because his was pressed into her chest. She couldn't sign to him with her arms holding him steadily in place but the hand rubbing down his back told him everything he needed to know. It's okay. You're safe here. He felt safe with her. Buttons looked down at the two, then turned to the twins who’d been waiting quietly in the corner to be told what all they’d just learned about Fizzarolli.

“Go get your mother, yeah? Tell her it’s important.”

Their mom ended up being the tall, dark woman with hair sort of like Mama’s from the poster. She’d also been in the show. She was in the center ring, she flew through the trapeze and danced in silks mid air. She was captivating, on and off stage. She wasn’t in her costume anymore, just a house dress and robe, but she’d gotten Fizzarolli to laugh by asking him what his favorite part of the show was. She knew where Fizzarolli was ticklish too, just like his Mama had. She even got him to uncurl from his hold on Mimi so she could show him a magic trick. Fizzarolli even got to show her his pantomime!

“You said your mother knows to find you here?” the other mom asked, her hand patting between Fizz’s horns. The young boy nodded. She pursed her lips, then smiled down at the little impling. “Well, I suppose you can stay the night tonight. The shows are almost all over for the evening, we can try again tomorrow.”

Fizzarolli felt scared and excited at the same time. He was scared because Mama wasn’t here, but he got to stay at the circus! That was almost better. Everything here was magical, certainly one night of adventure would be no problem. Fizzarolli nodded, and left Buttons and Mimi for Blitzo and Barbie’s tent that night. Fizzarolli thought a tent was much more fun to sleep in than his and Mama’s apartment had been.

Mama didn’t come the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. Fizzarolli had spent almost three weeks with the Buckzo Family Circus and Mama still hadn’t come. They’d put special signs up to help find her and everything, but she had yet to come. Fizzarolli was doing alright with it, though. The circus was amazing! Blitzo shared one of his costumes with Fizzarolli before the Big Top Shows every night and Barb shared her jingles, which she fastened to the end of Fizzarolli’s horns. Another one of the clowns had given him a little jacket made out of patches that he wore sometimes too, and Buttons gave him a clown nose of his very own! The twins taught him how to use his voice loud to get people’s attention and Barb had already taught him how to cartwheel! He was able to show off his balancing skills too on their large red ball with the pentagram! It was a little different than a barrel, but he managed to impress Mr. Buckzo enough that they kept letting him sleep on the floor with Barbie and Blitzo every night and didn’t complain when he ate the food from the cookhouse like the rest of the performers did. He got to see the Big Top show almost every night! Fizzarolli had never been so close to his dream before. No, this was the dream.

The circus wasn’t open every day, and on the days that there weren’t guests coming in, they practiced. Fizzarolli loved watching the practices. Today he’d gotten to practice his skills with Barbie and Blitzo in the morning, then he watched Barbie practice her high wire act. She didn’t go all the way up like on the big top, she practiced on a wire only five or six feet tall in the Circus’s backyard**. She was really good. Fizz and Blitzo weren’t good enough at balancing to try that yet.

After their practice in the backyard it was time for the adults to practice in the Big Top. Fizz followed Blitzo and Barbie to the Big Top where they sat eagerly in their seats. Fizz loved watching the clowns because he liked learning the tricks of the trade, but his favorite rehearsals to watch were the aerial acrobatics. Mrs. B was most captivating to watch. She had this beautiful way of wrapping herself up in the most vibrant fabrics Fizzarolli had ever seen, right up at the top of the tent, then she’d spin and twirl down and fly. Fizzarolli didn’t have words for it, but he could watch it all day. She did more than the silks, though. She flew on the trapeze too and could walk along the high-wire.

“I’m going to be just like her one day” Barbie said with stars in her eyes as she watched her mother perform. Fizzarolli understood. It was magnificent.

Fizzarolli didn’t understand why Barb was practically buzzing when the music stopped and her mother was once again on the ground. Mrs. B walked up to the three kids sitting in the stand and motioned for them to come forward. Barbie practically clawed her way through the other two to get to her mother first. The woman had a nicest laugh, almost as nice as Mama’s.

Barb asked her mother something, but Fizzarolli couldn’t hear what she’d asked. He didn’t need to, his questions were answered a few minutes later when Barbie ran towards the pole with extra grips for a ladder and began climbing. Her mother followed shortly after. Once they were on the platform, Barb climbed up her mother and wrapped her legs and tail around her mother’s waist. Her arms wrapped around her mother’s shoulders. The two of them butted horns gently and smiled, then they jumped into the air and flew. They just swung from one bar to another until they made it to another platform, but the way Barbie screamed and laughed into the air as they flew was entertaining enough. They repeated the process another two times before climbing back down. Barbie ran in circles until she was dizzy. She loved when her mother took her flying.

Blitzo’s turn was next. Fizzarolli wasn’t expecting one but when her and Blitzo were back on the ground, Mrs. B came up to Fizzarolli and asked if he’d like a turn too. Fizz’s eyes grew wide and he eagerly nodded.

“I want to be a little bit more safe with you, alright? You’re not my baby and I don’t know how tight you can hold on.” Fizzarolli didn’t know what she meant, but he listened. He would do anything he was told if it meant he could fly. Fizzarolli complied. He climbed up onto her like he’d watched his friends do, but unlike them he let her wrap him in silks. Like a safety net, the two of them were tied together and Fizz felt pretty. Also unlike the two children before, they didn’t climb up the ladder. Instead, Fizzarolli was walked to the center of the stage. Mrs. B nodded to one of the demons off stage and a looped rope dropped. Fizzarolli watched as she slid her hand through and grabbed onto the rope tightly. “Ready, little one?” She counted.

Three... Two... One…

They crouched, jumped,

Fizzarolli was flying

He couldn’t think of what to say. He kept his eyes open, wanting to remember every second of the experience. He felt happy and scared, up and down, it was like nothing he’d ever known. He’d never been so high in the air. He’d never felt quite this lovely before. Fizzarolli felt alive.

Fizzarolli missed his Mama, more than anything he missed her, but part of him wished she’d take a bit longer to find him. The people here were nice, they held him when he had bad dreams and told him nice things and some of them signed with him like Mama. He got to eat good food three times a day and he was getting strong. Fizzarolli was learning things here too! He wanted to do this again, he wanted to fly. He wanted his Mama to see him do this when he was a little bit stronger and could do it by himself! He wanted her to see him, he wanted to see her so badly, but part of him also didn’t want to stop living this dream.

It was almost ten years later and Fizzarolli’s Mama still hadn’t come for him. The special signs they’d made to find her were long since gone, and most of the time Fizzarolli didn’t think about her. He still had the picture of her as a kid, it sat framed on his vanity for good luck. Fizzarolli was sixteen now and he had more family than he’d ever known was possible. He’d never stopped practicing, and he’d gotten good enough that he was a big draw to the family circus. Enough that he had his own tent now, he no longer had to sleep on the floor next to Blitzo and Barb or in the chest of scarves at the end of Mimi’s bed like when he was a child. The tent wasn’t huge, but it was his own, and big enough that he could fit a second bed in it so he rarely had to sleep alone. Blitzo usually ended up staying with him, though sometimes Barbie or the occasional other performer joined. Fizzarolli hated sleeping alone.

Fizzarolli starred in seven shows a week during the circus’s four day/week run. Blitzo & Barbie had their twin show four times a week, and Barbie had practically taken over her mother’s position in aerial silks for the afternoon shows in the Big Top. She had turned out to be just as good as her mother, maybe better. She had another 2-3 aerial shows she did a week in one of the sideshow tents during the afternoons and evenings.

Tonight all of the shows were over and the crowd had gone. Fizz had changed out of his costume and was in his plain clothes for the evening. He was halfway to one of the food carriages to try and sneak a late night snack when he heard yelling coming from inside his best friends tent. Blitzo came storming out and ran right into Fizzarolli.

“Fuck!” Blizto yelled as he pushed Fizzarolli to the side. Fizz grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“Blitz…”

“Not right now, Fizz.” Fizzarolli never liked fighting, he let his best friend break away from his grasp and storm off. He could tell just by Blitz’s tone that he wasn’t going to be nice if Fizz pushed him any further. He could hear Blitz muttering under his breath as he walked away, none of it nice.

“stupid...thieving whore...fucking….fuck” So this was about Barb.

Fizzarolli waited outside of the tent for another few minutes until Barb came out with a cigarette between her lips and cup in hand. She groaned when she noticed Fizzarolli’s lurking.

“I don’t want to fucking talk, Fizz.” Fizzarolli didn’t say anything. He waited a minute before signing to her. She laughed at him, she’d never learned how to sign. Fizzarolli continued until he wore her down.

“He thinks I’m stealing from Ma.” Fizzarolli stayed silent. He didn’t know what to say. He felt responsible. “I’m not stealing, not that it’s any of his fucking business, or yours.”

“How’d your show go? Is it your shoulder again?” A few weeks ago, Fizzarolli had found Barb taking one of her mother’s pain medications. I did something to my shoulder tonight trying that new drop. I’m fine, Ma said I could take it, that it’d help. He hadn’t thought anything about it when he told Blitzo about it later that night. Fizz felt like he was somehow responsible for this, Blitzo hadn’t thought it was as innocuous as Fizz had.

Barb shrugged and sighed, she took a drag of her cigarette and leaned her head back to exhale. Fizzarolli took the cigarette from her, she gave him a look but didn’t stop him.

“It’s not enough that I have to pull his weight throughout our show every fucking night. Then I go and do another fucking show while he does fuck knows what, and the second I get off stage he’s nagging me. Giving me a fucking headache.”

Fizzarolli stayed quiet. He let her complain, he watched as she took a sip of her drink. He knew by the face she made that whatever was in her cup was stronger than water or tea.

“I thought you weren’t supposed to take those with alcohol.”

Barb stole the cigarette away from Fizzarolli. She didn’t like that he had taken it in the first place. “Don’t you fucking start with me, clown.”

Fizz put his hands up to signal he was no threat. He didn’t want to fight with her too, Fizzarolli didn’t like fighting. He took a deep breath, both of them calmed down. Barb looked away.

“What’s it feel like?” There’s silence again for a long while while Barbie thinks the question through. Fizzarolli looked up at the sky. He tried to see the stars, but there were too many lights around to see much more than smog. He turned back to his friend when she replied.

“If you do it right…..it feels like you’re flying.” Fizzarolli wondered why an aerialist would need to feel like they were flying when they got to fly every day, but he knew better than to ponder that out loud.

“Do you want to stay in my tent tonight?”

Barb paused, she looked back into her family’s tent. She frowned. “Won’t Blitz come and stay with you tonight?”

Fizzarolli shook his head. “I don’t think so. I’m guessing he’s going to steal someone’s booze and fall asleep in the menagerie.”

“Ew” Barb spat. “Him and those fucking horses.” Fizzarolli laughed.

“I don’t think he wants to fuck them. I think he wants to be one.”

“I don’t know which one is weirder.”

Fizzarolli shrugged and stood up. He held a hand out to Barb. “Is that a yes or a no?” He noticed Barb look back inside her family’s tent. “Your Dad’s in there, yeah?”

Barb thought it over for a moment. Her jaw tensed and she nodded. When she turned back to Fizzarolli, her face was lighter. She was wearing a smile. Barbie-Wire nodded to her friend and took his hand to be helped up. “Yeah, yeah sure thing you big baby.” Her knuckles rubbed against his head, Fizz felt a little better. “I know you don’t like to sleep alone.”

Fizzarolli wrapped his arm around Barbie and walked with her back to his tent. He listened to her complain about everything Blitz missed in their act today, he promised that he’d help Blitz practice in the morning. He tucked her in in the spare bed space he’d made in the corner of his tent and put her to sleep. He tried not to think too much about what had happened tonight, he tried not to feel too guilty. He worried about both of his friends, they were his family. Instead, he decided to focus on the good.

Fizz felt safe with them, he felt understood here. Fizzarolli only worried about his family because he cared, and he only cared because they had cared for him first. Tomorrow would be a new day, Fizz reminded himself. He could fix this when they were feeling better. Fizzarolli loved his family, there wasn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for them.

“Goodnight, Barbie.” Fizzarolli turned off the light, he kissed the picture of his Mama, and climbed into his bed. “Get some sleep….hope you got it right, hope you’re flying.”

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