#like are you KIDDING??? jfc i need some dick immediately
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HUSH HUSH by Becca Fitzpatrick thoughts: Prologue - Ch 11
Full video here.
We start right away with a bible verse which, if you’ve read any of my books, you know I’m a big fan of
We have a prologue from 1565 France…
The visual of a person perched on a gravestone and mistaking them for an angel statue at first is cool tbh
“Who are you?” “One of the devil’s brood”
The mind control parts of this I like, and I already have a feeling this is the gonna be the best part of this book
Except we don’t get another example of someone fighting it the way he is fighting it - nora doesn’t even realize it’s happening when it happens to her which isn’t as fun
The guy being maniped is a duke and the angel tells him no you’re half fallen angel so do what i tell you (nephilim)
This angel doesn’t have wings but a big cut in the shape of a V on his back
CHAPTER 1
The image of a barbie and ken taped to the chalkboard of the sex ed class is great
Her best friend’s name is V!
“Camera phones to take photos for the school E-zine”
Oh shit she’s a hoe
“V as in virgin” never mind
“It may not have occurred to you kids that sex is more than a 15 minute trip to the backseat of a car” lmaoooooooo
Is this book gonna be good? Did yall lie to me??
The school e-zine
V is a “few pounds over curvy” damn
V is my “untwin” i love that
“I’m all legs like a barstool”
The sex ed teacher is making them all sit by new people...in april…
She knows everyone except the transfer who of course is her new seat mate...this is a very convoluted way to get them to sit together
“It was a smile that spelled trouble with a promise”
“Human reproduction can be a sticky subject” LMAO
“Call me patch. I mean it. Call me.” and he winks
He takes pictures “of an ezine columnist who…” and describes a bunch of stuff about her and she’s like what the fuuuuuuck
And then he is like “you’re scared of what you can’t control”
He knows she plays the cello
She doesn’t wanna ask for another partner because she doesn’t wanna let him win and i’m like NORA CALL THE FUCKING COPS!!!!!!!!!! THIS GUY HAS BEEN STALKING YOU?!?!?!?
She has a cut on her wrist, her dad was murdered
At the end of class he gives her his number so she can get her answers - she no longer has it by chapter 18 but doesn’t remind the reader that she did have it written on her hand so we just think becca forgot nora already got his # for a bit
She’s a sophomore, he’s a senior
He has black eyes and wears all black because ofc
CHAPTER 2
They get a lot of fog and don’t have many neighbors
Mom is an auction coordinator so she’s not around a lot so there’s a german housekeeper that watches over her
But she leaves her alone at night...i already KNOW patch is gonna be “Watching over her” ala edward watching bella sleep i just KNOW
She’s thinking that patch seemed closed off but she liked what she had seen - aka his bod
“Smile that was part playful, part seductive” NOTHING about the interaction y’all had sounded seductive!!!!!! This is exactly like in crave when she’s getting horny that jaxon is yelling at her...like these men seem UNHINGED. Why is that sexy????
“Biology was my toughest subject, i teetered between an A and a B” i’m gonna punch you. I know you wanna go to ivy league so this matters but…
She calls patch!!!!
She asks if he wants to meet up to finish the assignment...you couldn’t...ask...over the phone??
“Nora” he says my name like it’s the punchline to a joke
He hangs up on her because he’s playing pool
She starts her assignment anyway: “jerk” “smokes cigars, will die of lung cancer, hopefully very soon” i laughed v hard tbh
“Excellent physical shape” and then crosses that out lmaooooooo
She flips a coin and it makes her decision: go to the arcade and confront patch
The cashier is pissed that she didn’t pay to get in so she sneaks by
“I was like a rolling snowball gaining speed and momentum” weird out of place metaphor but ok
Patch says she’s with him and the cashier lets her go
His black eyes are magnets clinging to her every move
She feels something different here, more animosity, more electricity...more horniness
“Queasy tap dance in my stomach”
Something about patch wasn’t right, something about him wasn’t normal, something about him wasn’t safe
“Biggest dream” “to kiss you” she doesn’t buy it so like good for her but still blech
Patch says he’s never been to school before and nora’s like you’re a liar
And he says he came because of her
He says “those cold pale grey eyes” are surprisingly irresistible
There are almost zero connections between what she’s saying and what he’s saying, as if he’s having a conversation with himself...it’s really hard to follow
“And that killer curvy mouth” ew
“You seem to know a lot about me,” i said, making the understatement of the year.
“Say provoke again, your mouth looks provocative when you do”
Her jaw twitches when she lies
He has a birthmark in the same place she has a scar...soulmate shit fer shure
She says after her dad died a strange presence felt like it was “orbiting her world, watching her from a distance” like...a guardian angel perhaps
She feels someone in the house with her and i’m calling it now: patch is “Watching over” her
CHAPTER 3
She’s trying to come up with reasons for patch not to be her partner anymore...he fucking ADMITTED TO TAKING PHOTOS OF YOU AND STUDYING YOU AND BASICALLY STALKING YOU. IF THE COACH WON’T LISTEN GO TO THE PRINCIPAL ABOUT THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She’s anemic and has to take iron multiple times...a day??
“What qualities are you attracted to in a potential mate?” asks the teacher
She’s not ready so patch answers, “intelligent, attractive, vulnerable”
“How do you indicate if a female is interested?” and patch says, “if she’s biting her lip and playing with her hair the way nora is doing right now” lmao
“She’s game”
He puts his arm on the back of her chair and mouths “vulnerable” and while i would literally call the cops on a man for this, it was kind of hot in context
She tells coach she feels uncomfortable sitting by patch and he’s like, “not only are you gonna keep sitting by him i actually need you to tutor him.”
Fire this fucking guy IMMEDIATELY.
How lazy is this writing becca. How lazy. You couldn’t think of any other ways to make them spend more time together??
She and V go to the movies to write a review for the e-zine and v says: “can you imagine living your whole life without a clue that the only reason you’re being kept alive is to be used as a sacrifice?”
Do you smell that? The foreshadowing
V says patch’s dark side calls to her and nora is thinking, yeah no shit.
There was a dark magnetism, i felt lured to the edge of danger, at any moment it felt like he could push me over the edge.
Edge twice in the same sentence, crave’s editor has been in the game since 2009 apparently
V’s basically like nora you’re not attracted to anyone and nora’s like i haven’t found love and v’s like it’s about fun not love dumbdum
V says Patch would probably be “really good”
Nora says patch isn’t good for v and v says, “Careful, you’ll only make me want him more” and i’m like...i know this book came out when i was a freshman but somehow, becca fitzpatrick managed to put me from sophomore year in this book lmao
Marcy a cheerleader with “half a bottle of foundation on” and “¾ of an inch between her skirt and underwear, if she was wearing any” sits beside them
Yikes
She calls V supersize: YIKES
Marcy’s being a dick to V and V just goes, “you have food stuck in your teeth, chocolate ex-lax maybe?” i love this so much
Patch is at the library…
V’s like “i’m trying to read the title he’s checking out...how to be a stalker?” lmao i love V
V thinks patch is following nora but she’s kind of into it lmaoooo
Nora’s like he’s alluring but also fucking scary
She hits someone during a storm on the way home
He’s wearing a ski mask?!??!?!?!?
The car died oh my gooooooood
He’s tearing the door off??!?!?!!?
He punches through the window!!!!!!!!!
CHAPTER 4
She’s like totally freaking out but doesn’t wanna tell V that a dude almost tore the door off the car
She goes to V’s to avoid being alone
When she and v examine the damage...there is none…
She realizes the eyes behind the ski mask were black like patch’s eyes
She can’t remember hardly anything about the crash which is freaking her out
They meet some dudes called elliot and jules who is SIX FOOT TEN
They are probably other fallen angels that are after nora, and then elliott says he just transferred to their school from the prep school as of today, so yeah, this is what’s happening
Also...it’s fucking april. Who transfers schools in april
“You smell good” “it’s called a shower” lol
They’re having like an “are you following me” talk during the quiz
“I wanted my life to go back to the way it was before patch barged into my life”
I truly don’t know if it’s the delivery of the audiobook narrators that is making this issue SO GLARING to me but jfc
She confronts him after class to talk patch into asking to switch seats but he’s like “nah you’ve grown on me”
V really wants to sleuth around and read Patch’s file
CHAPTER 5
they go to the nurse’s office using nora’s iron pills as a distraction to get into the files in the front office
Nora needs to register her iron pills with the nurse...it is april...she has been taking pills out of her backpack all year...no one cared???
She says this is all because she thinks patch is stalking her - which no shit he admitted to taking pictures of you…
V called in a bomb threat from the pay phone outside!!!!!!! I’m fucking crying
Also if you guys don’t know what pay phones are, let me know
She’s trying to punch through the window in the door!!!!! V is the fucking greatest
IT WAS UNLOCKED ANYWAAAAAAY I’M SCREAMING
“As patch’s biology partner, i had a right to know”
The principal caught her but doesn’t suspect her
She meets back up with v at a mexican restaurant
The one patch works at!!!!!!
He asks her what she’s doing sunday night
“You’re getting cocky. I like that, angel” - bleck
“Not on a date, not alone” a hot thrill upon speculating what a night alone with patch would entail
Bitch!!!!!!! You just committed a crime to find out if this dude is STALKING YOU but you still wanna fuck him???????????
“Did you just call me angel? I don’t like it.” “it stays, angel” negging asshole
He brushes his thumb on her mouth and says “you’d look better without lipgloss” HARDIN SCOTT HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
“Interested? We’re talking about you, i’m fascinated.”
“You aren’t ready to know me”
I looked in your student file - BITCH. NORA. IF HE IS STALKING YOU. AND YOU FOUND OUT SOMETHING SERIOUS IN HIS FILE. THAT GIVES HIM SOOOOOO MUCH CAUSE TO LIKE...MURDER YOU?!
It’s totally empty. “I’m going to expose you” “i look forward to it”
“Why are you looking at me?” “because you’re nothing like what i expected��� “neither are you, you’re worse”
CHAPTER 6
Elliott is in her gym class
The fog seemed to clog my lungs...fog and clog...don’t like it
Marcy miller… “that’s because you haven’t met anyone better, like me.” marcy twisted her hair around her finger. “You’ll hear all about me soon.”
He calls her gray, her last name, which is a trope i thoroughly enjoy
We describe marcy’s smile as toxic twice in 2 paragraphs
Elliott comes up behind her to help her with her batting stance
“Let me show you, like this, you feel that? Relax” EXCUSE ME
She hears her name in her mind said in someone else’s voice, it’s patch
“Batting lessons, nice touch” elliott is TOTALLY a rival angel guy
“I told myself i imagined the words because the alternative was considering that patch held the power to channel thoughts into my mind. Which couldn’t be. It just couldn’t.” this type of stuff makes me roll my eyes.
“Not yet” she hears in her mind, and ends up slamming it out of the park
She gets smashed in the head with the glove and ball, ouch
Elliott blows on her scraped kneeeeeeeee
“Had he talked directly to my thoughts? Was there some inexplicable link between us that allowed it happen? Or was i losing my mind?” meh
Elliott “i’m not gonna chase after an unavailable girl”
He invites her on a date
CHAPTER 7
There’s a convo with the housekeeper about “reinventing the sexy side” and not changing yourself for a boy…
V calls and is like “let’s go to the party on the coast”
Driving moccasins?
Damn V is like “you look like a boy, put some lipstick on”
And Nora isn’t wearing makeup because patch planted the idea in her mind - NEGGING!!!!!!!
The delphic coast sounds like a blast
The new ride is called the arcangel lmao
Patch is at the arcade omg
Jules looks as enthusiastic as three day old meatloaf - this is a very weird metaphor but i don’t mind it much?? It would have bothered me in crave but there haven’t been many in this book so far so it’s not like completely pulling me out of the moment
It’s a new day, and today, the name patch is really irking me. It sounds like a dog
V is STIRRING THE POT between Elliott and Patch god i love her soooo much
Elliott wants to talk to patch about leaving nora alone!!!!
V is a messy bitch who lives for dramaaaaaaaa
Nora goes to talk to patch so elliott won’t start shit
“He was tall and lean and hard and i was sure he had street fight scars under his clothes...not that i wanted to look under his clothes” LMAO
She asks what he’s playing and he says, “baseball, wanna stand behind me and give me a few pointers?” LMAOOOOO he hates elliott so muuuuch
Patch challenges her to a pool game, she punches his arm, he says “Careful they might think we’re flirting” this guy is MADDENING
“Part of me wanted to run away from him screaming fire, the other wanted to see how close i could get without...combusting” AHHHHHHH
He’s talking to her in her thoughts and then being like, “you know that sounds crazy don’t you?” GASLIGHT CENTRAL
“You scare me, and you’re not good for me” “i could change your mind”
“Meet me at the arcangel, i’ll be waiting”
CHAPTER 8
Nora goes to get cotton candy and sees the arcangel, and she goes
She gets the “cold heart-stopping feeling that someone is watching her” and spots a hooded figure
She runs into patch and he’s like “if you keep running away from me, you’re never gonna figure out what’s going on” and she’s been drinking dumb bitch juice so she’s like OHKAY.
Now she’s not scared of the arcangel because patch makes her feel safe...no he DOESN’T?!?!?!?!?
“If you ride without screaming, i’ll get coach to switch our seats” why do i feel like this is gonna be that scene in the movie fear where they hook up at the top of the ferris wheel
“I don’t scream, not for carnival rides.” not for you is her inner voice i assume and ommggggg
He sits in a car that shows demons ripping the wings off an angel, an angel sitting on a gravestone and watching children, then possessing a little girl
Okay foreshadowing
“Scared, angel?”
Our car flew demonically fast - we get it
Her seatbelt came undone and she fell out!!!!!!!
Oh wait...she didn’t? She ended up grabbing him and screaming??
CHAPTER 9
He offers her a drink from his soda can and she’s like “ooh my mouth where his mouth is”
Her phone is dead so she hitches a ride with patch...did he kill her phone with angel powers somehow??
V had left her!!!!?????
Ooh or did the boys kidnap her??
So she’s sure the mind-talking is real but not sure if the guy in the mask or the falling off the coaster is real…
Patch rides a motorcycle because ofc
He takes her home and then has her keys in his hand somehow
He is totally fucking with her, the key won’t turn if she uses it but he can get it to work
“Go ahead, i’m home alone” immediately i realized it wasn’t a smart thing to say
Self preservation has left the chat!!!!!!!! The same boy you thought was stalking you 3 days ago, you just told him you are home alone...dumb bitch juice
“Dorothea will be here soon. She’s old but strong, very strong” You would absolutely be the first to die in a horror movie, nora
He comes inside without her inviting him so he can make her tacos
He...knows where her kitchen is...fuck no
She is scared of him having a knife but also...goes over to him so he can show her how to make tacos…
So idk if most teens are so horny they’re literally willing to die for it, because i was on antidepressants when i was grace’s age and i had no desire to get busy...please let me know in the comments below if you ever went from scared of a dude to wanting to bone him at breakneck speed the way nora continually does in this book
“I’ll answer your questions if you make tacos”
This is a VERY horny scene where he stands right behind her and like whispers in her ear how to cut the tomato…
“Did you follow me to the library?” he smiles and she’s like OH FUCK I WANNA KISS HIM RIGHT NOW
NORA!!!!!!!!! FOCUS
“Scared?” “no” “maybe i’m just scared of -” “liking me?” “yes...wait no”
“I feel a scary attraction to you”
He lifted her onto the counter!!!!!
“You should go” “go here?” his mouth went to my shoulder “or here?” it moved up my neck AHHHHHHHHHHH
Her mom calls and she’s like “can i call you back?” her mom says “sure what’s wrong” and she HANGS UP LMAOOOOOOO
UMMMM THOUGHT HER PHONE WAS DEAD?!?!?!?
CHAPTER 10
V calls her and is like “i was looking for you all night” and nora is like “ummmm no you fucking left me???” and v’s like “DID Y’ALL KISS?!”
“I’ll pick you up at 4” “thought we were meeting at 5?” “circumstances have changed” lmao V for president tbh
We get a weird story about lionel dorothea’s godson daring nora to lick a broken piece of glass, “falling for patch would be like licking that shard”
This is the WEIRDEST analogy i think i have ever heard…
This is a first draft analogy for sure
She acknowledged that her phone had been dead so wtf happened
They go to victoria’s secret and she’s like “ooh sexy stuff ooh patch” wait i shouldn’t be thinking about dangerous patch
“I secretly enjoyed the attraction between us but the eeriness outweighed it” ma’am are you trying to lie to yourself or the reader because 1. It’s not a secret, 2. We (i) keep SCREAMING at you to have a shred of self-preservation but you threw it away for tacos
I’m going to flush patch out of my system like a detox diet, except last time i did that i binged” welp...i’m sure that’s not a sign…
Lmao V tries to take the clearance stickers off the clearance bras and puts them on the nice ones I LOVE HER SO MUCH
The hooded guy is watching her from outside…
But he’s gone before V sees him
V develops a diversion to get the hooded guy to follow her...but they can tell it’s actually a girl…
V gets hurt?!?!?!?!
CHAPTER 11
V is in the hospital with a BROKEN ARM THAT NEEDS SURGERY!!!!!
Patch is absent…
She goes to the new school psych...WHY ARE THERE SO MANY NEW PEOPLE COMING IN APRIL!!!!
She’s def also an angel
She brings up that nora is supposed to be tutoring patch and is like “all tutoring should be under adult supervision, and i don’t want you meeting alone” um...thank you for being reasonable because this dude is creepy but ALSO. Just...don’t have her tutor him…?
She goes to the computer lab in the library to look up reviews but then she’s like “i should google patch” but nothing
“No facebook, no myspace” OH MYSPACE!!!!!
She comes across a kinghorn prep article about a hanging, and finds out elliott was with the victim on the night of her death
Elliott is right behind her!!!!!
“Something cold flushed through me, like a blush, only opposite”
He’s like “Call your mom and tell her you’re taking too long at homework” and she’s like STRANGER DANGER
~~~
#hush hush#becca fitzpatrick#patch cipriano#nora grey#cringe review#cringe books#negative review#book review#booktube
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Fic rec anon here, I just read through your AU recs, and I need more, holy hell!? Do you have a similar list for canon fics? What are your favourite genres? You're one of the brave souls who posts about mpreg...what other kinks do you recommend?
Yessssssssss, a chance to do part two of my prison 25, fuck yeah!!! I edited this canon rec list down, and Jesus, that’s the hardest part of it. Luckily, I can save a lot of ‘em in other categories--and I have recs in just about any category, so lemme know if anything in particular floats your boat (I tend to bookmark/save in collections like mpreg, a/b/o, omorashi, daddy, toys, panties, phone sex, dirty talk, etc., but yeah, I can hook you up with allll kinds of fic, god bless the ao3 bookmark feature).
I’ll put the full list under the cut, in length order...in lots of cases, the author has done many, MANY more, so I’ll highlight that, too! Enjoy! (Oh, and check out the postscript at the end, too...a lot of these are older, but if you want newer, just give me your parameters/needs, and I’ve gotcha, bb)
Hello, Heaven (you are tunnel-lined with yellow lights), by objectlesson, 2.9k words (E). Or, Louis buys Harry things sometimes. (LISSSSSSSSSSSSSTEN, read every single fic Phoenix ever wrote, jfc, she’s so good, the stories are so good, and this particular one was a gift to me, so I’m biased, but it combines a lot of my fave kinks into one. I edited most of her stories in this fandom, which means I literally can’t pick a fave, they’re my step-children, but this one is noice)
so wicked in the way he moves, by ballsdeepinjesus, 3.6k words (E). Harry and Louis are parents at football practice. (don’t be scared; no kids, just hot van sex and banter, and this author EXCELS at sex/banter, so lots of gold here)
She Feels So Good, by zedi, 4.1k words (E). Louis knows that voice. Harry’s used that voice in his ear more times than Louis can count, said such sweet, naughty things while popping a hip out and pressing up against Louis. That’s the voice that comes out when Harry’s in a skirt, nails done and gestures soft and flirty. (Jumpsuit Harry on the Late Late Show)
like poison coursing through me, by orphan_account, 4.1k words (E). The one with copious dirty talk, Daddy Louis, and Harry wetting himself in the shower. (pee kink, but honestly, give it a try...it’s about desperation, and it’s so hot)
took me by the wrist, by tomlinzn, 4.2k words (E). harry's twenty-one; louis still loves him. there's birthday sex. (Hima’s legacy, god, it’s beautiful)
Take a Chance, Just Feed Me, by yeah_alright, 4.3k words (E). Louis needs some time alone with Marcel, and he’s hoping Harry will play along. (MARCEL COSPLAY)
Fertile Ground, by Blake, 4.4k words (E). Or, Harry doesn’t know what comes first: the lies that shape his want, or his want, which shapes the lies. He only knows that there’s lies, and want. And Louis, of course. (ANOTHER GOD-TIER PERSON TO READ EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER WRITTEN, and this one has a big ole dose of angst, but it’s so fucking goooood, so real, sob)
You Don’t Need Me to Show You the Way, by LoadedGunn, 6.5k words (E). Or, 2011 fic where Harry rides dick for the first time and Louis appreciates technology. (X Factor era, and I think this was the fic that made me create a whole technology tag, lmaoooo)
Only Thing That Can Quench My Thirst, by eyesofshinigami, 6.5k words (E). Louis wouldn't exactly call it a thing, his newfound fascination with the curly trail that starts below Harry's bellybutton and disappears into his skinny jeans. It's definitely not a thing. It's just... Alright, maybe it's a thing. (the entire reason for pubefest2020, tbh, this is such a fave fic, sigh)
domesticated, by sky_reid, 6k words (E). nothing gets harry going quite like mentioning a marriage licence. (fluffy but still hot five times story)
Agent Provocateur, by orphan_account, 7k words (E). Harry looks like he's constantly about to drop into subspace when he's talking to Louis onstage. (you can kinda guess from the title, but this is panties panties panties, plus more)
let the only sound be the overflow, by sarcasticfluentry, 7.6k words (E; needs ao3 account). Harry and Louis explore new kinks while staying in Tokyo. (another AMAZING author, check out the rest of their fics; this one’s based on a specific video--read the notes--and you’ll never see Louis, Harry, or clothespins the same way again)
little black dress (it’s all right), by istajmaal, 8k words (E). harry is a girl sometimes. louis loves her all the time. (this one’s part of an ahead-of-its-time series featuring genderfluid harry)
horizontal like a quarter to three, by orphan_account, 8k words (E). The worst part is that Louis just wants to get really rough with him. He's wanted it right from the start, and it doesn't make sense, because Harry's always been so gentle and understanding and sweet, and yet all Louis wants to do is fuck him up. (some serious kink exploration nicely done)
give you my fever, by beautlouis @thelovejandles, 10k words (E). x-factor era. harry's never had an orgasm before, louis gives him his first (it is as it says, and it is INCREDIBLY hot/well done, as is everything beautlouis has ever written, immediately finish this one and then go read everything else)
shit, i still love you (still see you in my bed), by wankerville, 10.9k words (E). it's valentine's day and harry wants to be fucked in his gold boots. (another author I adore!!! this one is as it says, and wow, so visual)
Let Me Be Good for You, by onlyhuman, 11.9k words (E). Niall's only birthday wish is to go clubbing with his boys in Vegas. Harry ruins it all by wearing that god forsaken black sheer shirt. (I love some good hair-related porn!! This one features the bun, sigh)
Autumn at My Window, by TheCellarDoor, 20.4k words (E). a lot of pining, Louis' addiction to Harry's scent, and a whole lot of sexual tension that might just snap loose when they decide to spend some time together all on their own. (this is one of those canon-compliant AUs where you’re meant to ignore A LOT, but it’s still a good lil story with a lot of pining)
Maybe I Miss You series, by 13ways, 26k words (E). Louis is on his way back to London after the Hits Live Birmingham concert. Harry is flying to New York for the Met Gala. They connect. (a newer series that does a good job of weaving in all kinds of real emotion for an ultimately happy ending)
Nothing You Can Do (But You Can Learn How to Be You in Time), by Teumessian, 28k words (E; needs ao3 account). Louis braids Harry’s hair. There are good times, bad times, fancy houses, supportive bandmates, secret boyfriends, small rebellions, bigger revolutions, some nail varnish, ribbons, cute clothing, and a Pinterest. (THE PINTEREST FIC!!!! and another admittedly canon-compliant semi-AU...but then again, most of them are, right?? idk, idk, i just know this one’s very visual and oh so soft)
(your heartbeat) rang true inside my bones, by flimsy, 32.9k words (E). Harry goes as Louis' date for a weekend wedding. He ends up taking the role a bit too seriously. (touch o angst, but it kind of is as it says)
Drifting, Weightless, by @dinosaursmate, 41k words (E). Harry and Louis are exes with benefits until they're not, and the Mediterranean Sea might just be the perfect place to work through some unresolved issues. (this is actually a really funny one, in addition to being emotional and hot, plus I for one would take a One Direction cruise when they get back together in 15 years, sob)
the dark and the dentist, by sunshiner, 66.2k words (E). An account of the events of November 2014. (there are actually a few really big monster fics/series that cover this particular time, but I occasionally skim this one because I like the flashes of random domesticity)
To the Ends of the Earth, by stylinsoncity, 68.4k words (E). During a yearlong hiatus, Louis visits Harry at his cabin in Idaho, where long-buried feelings ignite like the fire keeping them warm. (THE IDAHO CABIN FIC!! And if you haven’t read it in a while, check out the new epilogue from earlier this year...or buy the whole thing on Amazon! Another great one that’s emotional, angsty, soft, and hot, all in one snowball)
Untangle Me, by suicxne, 100k words (E). The one where Harry and Louis finally get it right. (this is another one where you have to ignore A LOT, but it’s like reading a beautiful movie, jesus, I’m still so weak for this fic!! One of the first ones I read in this fandom, and I still randomly think of it every now and again)
Obviously, lots of old and gold here, but that’s because it’s the canon all stars, or whatever...I love a TON of newer fic for all kinds of reasons, so if you need some recs, say the word!
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Game of Thrones – 8x04 “The Last of the Starks” episode analysis – or who the fuck ever let D&D write stuff
You know I am pretty much like this dude here –
so I will be the woman to lead this ship or so help me all the old gods and the new.
Spoilers, d’uhh.
Aftermath - but everyone has their wardrobe on fleek, hair looking fab and they even had time to clean the entire field of Winterfell
The episode starts with the funeral pyre and how DARE you make me love Jorah even more and twist the knife in my heart. And did you have to show me Theon, Beric, Edd’s and Lyanna’s bodies???
RUDE.
Jon is doing a big speech and it is nice and drove the sobbing further, but I get it this is Jon’s turf so he has to be the one making the big speech. That is such a Dany thing though, and I can’t help to think, when put into perspective with the rest of the episode, that it’s yet again a thing Dany has lost. But more on that later.
The pyres are lit, sad music, more sobbing from me. OOOPS BUT DID YOU CATCH THAT JONERYS EXCHANGE OF LOOKS? Because I did! I can’t help but think how he looks at her for reassurance and she feels it and she turns and she is just.so.broken. And then she cries and I cry again.
A feast for crows the survivors
And then we get a feast and suddenly everyone is happy and stuff… ok, I guess life goes on. Maybe Sandor’s crass remark, under the guise of a funny moment, was meant to make us think on it. But maybe that’s too deep for D&D who the fuck knows.
Let’s talk about Gendry’s legitimisation.
Dany does it quite publicly, and small exchange between her and Tyrion makes sense. Honestly, if she hadn’t done it herself then and there, it would have come up at a later point, but with 2 episodes left there’s no time. S.ansa does her shady looks because she throws shade and Bran just stares into the void smh.
In which I am the Hound unimpressed and eating his chicken.
Davos x Tyrion
The Lord of Light fucked off into the sunset when he saw D&D’s piss poor writing and honestly same. He probably fucked off when he saw Melisandre was still getting his prophecies wrong.
Every time S.ansa comes into frame my soul leaves my body a bit more because whY THO.
Tyrion x Bran the 3ER
Cool beans Bran, that’s how you use you abilities? OMG JOJEN FUCKING DIED FOR YOU–
“I mostly live in the past now” - to me this means Bran has become this empty shell of a man and he just visits the past and checks out cool shit. It’s like a kid who gets access to YouTube for the first time. Heck he can even see his dad or whoever else he misses if he feels anything at all now. Because if he doesn’t even have “wants” then? What was the point of it all? God I swear the writers will not rest until they will have reduced all characters to tropes and empty shells of their former selves.
Tormund and the gang around Jon; Tyrion with Jaime ; Dany alone
This scene right here was the beginning of the end. Remember when Tormund was a dude who was in awe by strong women? D&D don’t. He suddenly is so far up Jon’s ass nothing could take him out. Guess it pays off for him in the end since Jon just gifts him Ghost.
S.ansa just fucking stop OMG PLEASE STOP WITH THE FUCKING LOOKS JFC.
But where was Missandei??? Why was Dany alone? And what the fuck was that look, VArYs?? Someone give Dany a hug because my god the isolation is real. Fuck. STOP. TAKING. EVERYTHING. FROM HER.
Never have I ever… thought the writers would stoop so low but here we are
So it’s all fun and games until it isn’t.
Poor Tormund. Jaime never deserved Brienne and that’s a fact.
And the mystery of Willa, the sassy Northern girl has been solved! Bless!!!
SanSan, but with more misogynistic undertones than you ever thought
Yeah you know what, I am not touching this scene. Fuck D&D for daring to say that.
Gendrya - or the moment Gendry decided to pull a Ted Mosby
I feel so bad OMG they did this ship so dirty. However. Arya saying that was expected. But I call bullshit on her never rethinking her decision. Girl’s got a list and she just can’t NOT try to finish it, I mean, wouldn’t you? After you killed such a big boss as the NK?
At the same time, they would be trying for faux feminism, pulling a Arya doesn’t need a man to be happy. Guess the sex was just to try it? Wow can you believe they cheapened this ship and that beautiful moment like that?
I’m so sorry babies, you deserved much better. Guess Gendry was always meant to have his heart broken by a Stark girl once he became a Baratheon. Wow.
Weirdly enough!!! And spoiler maybe?? Leak? Idk. But I feel like Gendrya will prevail (also because she looks heartbroken to reject him like that…). When asked if Gendrya will rule the 7K, Friki said no, these two aren’t made for ruling anything. For what’s worth, Friki mentioned he does know Arya’s endgame and shebis confirmed alive in the Dragon Pit in 8x06 :)
Oathsex
Uff yeah I did not like that. It felt wrong in the context and it felt cheap and I…. yeah IDK. And then Jaime leaves. He could have at least told Brienne that he is he only one who can kill Cersei or IDK, but not leave her like that. Jeesh dude my poor Knight, she is gutted by him.
Jonerys makeout and chat and hey who wanted angst? Turn on your location I just wanna chat.
Sooo flip side: I somehow, for the second time, predicted a thing in my fic. HOWEVER D&D keep only getting half my fics because GURL DID YOU NOT GET THE SMUT MEMO? AND THE FLUFF MEMO?
So Dany goes to find Jon, again, who is tipsy, and Jon suddenly remembers to give Dany some comfort for having lost Jorah…
The set up for Dany saying ILY it’s a bit .. ehh. But her actual words: “He loved me, but I couldn’t love him back, not the way he wanted it. Not the way I love you. Is that alright?”
A+ scene. I love how he can’t help himself and as soon as she is in his arms’ range he just pulls her into him, BEFORE she asks “Is that alright?”.
Uff emo side note here, this scene and this phrase reminded me of this song. Listen and sob. you’re welcome.
On that depressive note, wow that make out tho. Two things I learned from this scene: 1 - Jon is horny drunk, which same; and 2 - Jon is a tiddies guy like he dove in and went for the tiddies, which also same. Am I Jon? Is this why I keep guessing his fucking reactions but D&D won’t give me the rest????? We’ll never know.
And… then Jon stops and pulls back. And I KNOW that in the BTS we are told he is disgusted or whatever along those lines, but to me?? That look means he is CONFLICTED. And listen, if y’all wanted it to make it to mean "disgusted" then you should have made Kit do it differently since YOU KNOW HE WAS FAKE GAGGING TO EMILIA EVERY OTHER MINUTE. YOU CAN’T KEEP ADDING SHIT LATER YOU FUCKING DUMBASSES YOU EITHER PUT IT IN THE ACTUAL SHOW AND THE ACTUAL ACTING OR STFU.
But I guess to me that rejection was more for the general audience than for us. C’mon he clearly loves her, his dick was so hard he was about to nut then and there. Stop bringing your 21st century considerations into a feudalistic fantasy where you have Royals and dragons. Also FUCK YOU VARYS BECAUSE EVEN IN THE NORTH AUNT AND NEPHEW MARRIED SO FUCK YOU BALDIE.
I digress. Then Dany echoes what Jon himself thinks/said - wishing she would have never known. And then we get something that I felt when she was alone and sad at the feast. “I saw the way they looked at you. I know that look; the same way people looked at me, but never on this side of the sea” - yeah so I need a break.
This here - cemented for me what I think the show is doing: stripping everything away from Dany: her armies, her children, her people and the love her people have for her… then Jon. And I don’t mean that as in the sense of some bullshit fleak. No, I mean it in the context of this episode. Because Jon never says I love you back (and maybe @normalisjustafairytale is right and Jon is afraid to say it after Ygritte), and he rejects her, and he says he can’t NOT tell his sisters, even if Dany begs him not to. So in a sense, for now at least, Jon is being taken away from her. So you have all this isolation and losing and losing and then what does she have left? The only constant in her life? The fucking Iron Throne. Because at the moment there is nothing else for her and she probably feels like she will be nothing without it. Hence why she presses to go and take Cersei down. I won’t lie to you, it is cheap writing and very lame and honestly I have read fics a million times better than this bullshit, but they will, at one point, hit us with the boatie reveal, and when that happens, and when Jon fucking finally pulls through and stands by her side, she will have something else, a different constant in life. Moreover, because she realises that the people here in Westeros will never love her, she will have even more of a reason to bow out, say a big fuck you, take her boatie and her hubs and get to her house with the red door.
This is not just wishful thinking, it is very much D&D, and they will of course “humble the powerful woman” (I puked in my mouth by writing that). But also, my consolation is that with this episode, heck even the people who weren’t necessarily her fans, are on her side and asking her to burn KL down. Which I don’t think she would, but more on that in a different post. God this post is already long.
*bathroom break*
BAck. Then Dany echoes what I also said in my fic ugh I hate myself what we all know and are thinking: it doesn’t matter if Jon doesn’t want it; it matter that there are people out there (fucking S.ansa jfc this fucking UGGHDGugduzdahidfg) who don’t like Dany and will support Jon immediately over her. She is right and he is stupid for not seeing it.
I guess I also got my bending the knee from my fic. Kinda. FUCK.ME.
I cannot believe that my Queen had to BEG him and Jon had to be so naive. BOY DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE LESSON FROM YOUR FATHER? Two can keep a secret is one of them is dead, Jonno. Did you not watch Pretty Little Liars??? Why the fuck do you think Ned Stark didn’t tell his wife?? LMAO she would have sold him just like S.asnsa blabbed on you, guess the J___sas were right, it was a bit of a Ned x Cat parallel, probably Cat would have sold Ned also in a fucking instant. Dany is absolutely right. This shit cannot be contained because you don’t know how people would react to it.
“She’s not the girl you grew up with” … BOOM.
I love how he cradles her face into his hands MY FUCKING HEART MY HEART.
Pause. The part where she begs remind me of this traumatic moment:
… fuuuuck. Anyway.
And I love how she turns the tables on him. But Jon… is still Jon for plot reasons I guess. Maybe he didn’t understand why Ned had to keep the secret for so many years.
The end of the Northern plot - BYE NO ONE WILL MISS YOU
The Starks can choke. They are cancelled.
Yeah no. Bye. Fuck S.ansa or Sandra, who the fuck this OOC shitty ass character is. Fuck every single one of them. Wow, emotional manipulation at its finest. I just love how they basically called this episode the last of the Starks because they just character assassinated all of them. Edit: LMAO you know what this is? The shitty family that pulls over one member and tries to break him up with his wife, for the sole reason they don't like her. Because fuck their brother's happiness. Because they are fucking selfish people.
Jaime x Tyrion x my headache
Let’s add to the list of cancelled people Jaime and Tyrion just for that fucking chat.
“I will pay you double” ex machina, and that’s how the Bronn issue is solved. Just as Friki said, btw.
Arya x The Hound
So I guess Arya just fucking lies through her teeth now smh, since she was guilt trippig JON JUST MOMENTS AGO and she just up and leaves BECAUSE FUCK FAMILY I GUESS
Tyrion is suddenly afraid of Dany so I guess we are supposed to excuse Sandra’s petty shady jealous ass
Sandra is fucking jealous and insane. Littlefinger will be proud. Her face though. This fucking bitch doesn’t like that he is a Targaryen LMFAO she is scheming so hard bahahahahah
She is fucking cancelled. They murdered her character the moment they took her out of the Vale. FIGHT ME ON THIS I FUCKING DARE YOU.
Jon x Tormund x Ghost - say your goodbyes
Hey hey hey so that line where Jon belongs in the North? The real North, which for Tormund is North of the Wall since he calls Winterfell the South? Guess where those waterfalls from 8x01 are?
Jon is the worst dog owner KILL ME.
Fucking Sam Tarly
Jon was like yeah no don’t name your kid after me. Interesting how he could tell from a hug that Gilly was pregnant. Hope Dany starts showing soon *wink wink boatie is still coming*
The IT or Southern plot
Tyrion x Varys
I cannot wait for Varys to die. Like, he is spewing inaccurate information and then, he is suddenly against Dany and suddenly only Jon is a war hero. Just because he has a dick. Fuck D&D and their sexist asses Also VArys keeps talking about the realm LMAO YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? I see kings dying all around you, and the only constant it’s you. Who is the problem, I wonder?
Euron ex machina
Makes no fucking sense. But I guess nobody cares anymore.
Yeah I screamed when Rhaegal died. And I screamed again with Dany.
I guess Dany couldn’t just fly behind Euron’s ship and roast them all for plot reasons.
Dragonstone mess
Fuck you, Varys. And fuck you, Tyrion. Not you, Greyworm, ILY *hugs tightly*
BONUS: FUCK YOU JAIME FUUUUUCK YOU FOR LEAVING BRIENNE LIKE THAT. BYE BITCH GOOD RIDDANCE.
King’s Landing mess & the shitty ass parley that even Captain Sparrow could have organised better
Ew how much time has it passed since Cersei is already claiming to be preggers?
“So much for the breaker of chains” - is again, a sign they are trying to strip Dany of everything she has and is.
Tyrion and Qyburn - ew, but also Qyburn has a point, why would Cersei surrender? Oh and I think the point to save Rhaegal from the NK only for him to die at the hands of Euron is to further handicap Dany and make the Cersei threat real, and have a reason to keep Drogon away from KL - HAVE YOU ALL SEEN THE SCORPIONS EVERYWHERE?
Ugh Tyrion stop trying to get Cersei to love you LMFAO she doesn’t. But I know, it is hard to break from toxic relationships and abusers. Tyrion told Cersei “you are not a monster” and she literally went “HOLD MY BEER”.
Missandei’s death made me sick to my stomach and traumatised me for life. We should all collectively agree to NEVER give D&D our attention again and never let them write anything again.
Missandei hatefully spewing DRACARYS as her last words was so strong it made me start crying because holy shit this was a peaceful person, and for her to show this much hate and rage was so gutting… fuck me. I am crying again. I think she also meant, besides from the obvious, “there is no reasoning with these people, so why bother. Might as well blow it the fuck up.”
And Grey’s reaction wow - again, I was about to puke, despite the scene not being the most gorey on GoT, but it was so intrinsically and viscerally wrong my mind could not deal.
In conclusion
Poor Dany, she has lost everything. EVERYTHING. She is literally at her lowest. After the discussion with Jon, she slipped back the Queen mask - like you can pinpoint the moment she does so! And she keeps it on in front of everyone else but her dragons.
I am expecting a very very cold (but very fragile inside) Dany in 8x05. I am expecting her to push Jon away. Oh and at the ending of 8x04 she totally just gets up on Drogon and goes back to Dragonstone. No way she does anything yet so soon.
I haven’t watched any of the BTS and Making of videos, nor have I watched the 8x05 promo. Will do soon.
Stay strong, jonerys is still going strong. I am here until the very end and I still think this will end with jonerys together. Will it be good writing? Nope. But it will end well. As I keep saying. We’re missing the “sweet” in this fucking “bittersweet” shit show. Stop saying it ends badly because of 8x03.
If you need me, you know where to find me. Image of me in the fandom. Except I charge nothing.
Oh and PS: FUCK D&D.
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book review: Marian Veevers, Jane & Dorothy (2018)
Genre: Biography
Is it the main pairing: Yes
Is it canon: Yes
Is it explicit: No
Is it endgame: No
Is it shippable: Yes
Bottom line: Y’all fools: Stanning Lord Byron and his half-sister Augusta whom he didn’t even meet until he was nearly grown, never mind whether he actually knocked her up. Me, an intellectual: William and Dorothy Wordsworth are right there, eloping to the countryside and spending the rest of their days holed up in a picturesque cottage composing poetry.
First let’s have a detour where I yell about Crimson Peak (2015, dir. Guillermo del Toro). A few of the recent asks about incest vs. the patriarchy got me thinking about this line from Jane & Dorothy: “the malevolent power of married women over their spinsters-in-law.” Between the wife and the unmarried sister it’s obvious who has more power and it’s clearly not the spinster sister-in-law—and yet Guillermo del Toro would have us believe that Edith in Crimson Peak is helpless before Lucille’s resistance to giving up the skeleton key (the one that opens every room in the house). Edith is made out to be the victim of Lucille’s bloodthirsty unhinged jealousy, when she’s not only THE WIFE she’s got ALL THE MONEY, she’s literally holding all the cards??? It doesn’t add up. This biography is the antidote to that. It looks at the paucity of options open to your average 19th century girl who just wants a Room of One’s Own to write in, and situates her bid for freedom in the context of having no good options. The trouble with “Crimson Peak” was not that Edith wasn’t relatable or that I didn’t identify with her; when Thomas tears her down in that faux-breakup speech he attacks her on the terrain where she’s most vulnerable, her abilities as a writer. The trouble with Crimson Peak was that this beat would have hit so much harder had it landed on Lucille, a woman who’s WAY more vulnerable than Edith by dint of having (1) no marriage prospects and (2) no inheritance. Without Thomas this bitch has (3) no survival strategy either! Otoh take away Thomas and Edith is still left with her dad’s $$$, Edith still has Alan waiting in the wings to swoop in & save her, in other words Edith will be just fine. No wonder Lucille feels so threatened!! The situations are not even comparable. Here then is Jane & Dorothy which offers two case studies of women whose impulse to write & create was just as strong as Edith’s, but whose plight was much closer to Lucille’s ie. precarious as fuck.
I picked this book up because it’s actually a dual biography of Dorothy Wordsworth and Jane Austen, and I’m a basic bitch and Jane Austen is my eternal favorite. I’m going to focus on the Dorothy chapters but rest assured I read the Jane chapters with equal gusto. Jane Austen (b. 1775) and Dorothy Wordsworth (b. 1771) were both born into the British pseudo-gentry, which means they were too highborn to go and get a paying gig as a governess or companion but not highborn enough to have any independent source of income (neither of them had a dowry settled on them). While the two women never crossed paths, the arcs of their lives run in parallel as they pursue divergent strategies to secure their futures. So the primary imperative here is to avoid a life of domestic drudgery. But the secondary imperative, because these are both perceptive girls with rich inner lives, is this:
For an intelligent woman, confined to a society which denies her higher education and restricts her existence largely to the home, the male companion with whom she shares her life is her chief provider, not only of security and affection, but of intellectual stimulation.
This is a popular romance novel plot, do I want to marry a man who is a bore (possibly also a boor) or do I want to starve hmmmm. The point is that women are frequently starved for both affection and intellectual stimulation, and it’s little wonder Dorothy fell so hard for her brother William when he showered her with both. Dorothy and William were separated as children when, after the death of their mother, she was sent to live with an aunt in West Yorkshire (she was seven, he was eight). Nine years later they reconnected and sparks flew almost immediately. I mean I think their letters speak for themselves:
”the last time we were Together William won my Affection to a Degree which I cannot describe.”
What kind of brother needs to “win” his sister’s affection? Most of them treat sisters like furniture.
”Never have my eyes burst upon a scene of particular loveliness,” he wrote, “but I have wished that you could be transported to the place where I stood to enjoy it.”
standard “everything beautiful either reminds me of you, or makes me want to share it with you” pablum but EXTREMELY effective for all that
but enough he is my brother, why should I describe him? I shall be launching again into panegyric
Dorothy: hahaha but don’t you think my brother was looking mighty fiiiiiine today
”his attentions to me were such as the most insensible of mortals must have been touched with”
”I assure you so eager is my desire to see you that all obstacles vanish. I see you in a moment running or rather flying to my arms.”
That letter is from William, and you have to remember that William was supposed to be a huge dick who routinely ignored his friends’ missives leaving them in suspense whether he was alive or dead and yet he managed a lively & regular correspondence with Dorothy for years before they moved in together. It’s almost like he treated her … special.
”that sympathy which will almost identify us when we have stole to our little cottage”
These kids are already plotting their elopement jfc! Here are some snippets from Dorothy’s diary from much later, after they have in fact achieved The Dream of their own cottage:
”After dinner we made a pillow of my shoulder, I read to him and my Beloved slept.”
”The fire flutters and the watch ticks and I hear nothing save the Breathing of my Beloved and he now and then pushes his book forward and turns over a leaf.” It is a picture of domestic contentment such as Jane Austen draws to portray a genuinely happy marriage.
”After we came in we sat in deep silence at the window — I on a chair and William with his hand on my shoulder. We were deep in Silence and love, a blessed hour.”
This is literally #goals. Veevers points out that “the conflation of marriage with home, spinsterhood with insecurity” meant that “William was promising the kind of permanence and safety which women usually found in marriage.” Dorothy really thought she could Have It All: a home of her own and a rich, stimulating intellectual life shared with the man she loved. And she proceeded to spend the rest of her life making fair copies of his poems. Hell, she pushed him to be a poet in the first place (it was not at all clear initially that this was the best plan for William, who could just have easily have embarked on a career as a political polemicist, but it was Dorothy who pushed him to be a poet, Dorothy who spent the rest of her life copying out his verses in her fairer hand). Early on Dorothy & William befriended the poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who was so envious of their bond that he complained, “You have all in each other, but I am lonely, and want you!” Can you b e l i e v e Coleridge actually said that. If one of you hoes doesn’t write me the William/Dorothy Historical RPF that’s Coleridge Outsider POV I s2g I will do my damnedest to die of consumption.
Veveers sums it up this way: “It was a relationship few women would be able to have with their husbands, for, at the time, the two sexes were expected to inhabit different mental landscapes.” To put it bluntly women had ovaries instead of brains; they just weren’t interested in the same stuff a man was. Otoh you have William and Dorothy Wordsworth, actual soulmates: the historical consensus is there is “some uncertainty as to whether she would be best described as muse, emotional support, secretary or co-author.” And she didn’t hide it, either. This is where you really see the difference between Dorothy, who is so open, and Austen heroines like Eleanor Dashwood (Sense & Sensibility), Fanny Price (Mansfield Park) or Anne Eliot (Persuasion) who also feel things deeply but had to regulate the bejeezus out of their emotional responses. This is Dorothy:
After any separation her joy at meeting her brother again was uncontrollable. “I believe I screamed,” she admitted on one occasion when there were witnesses.
Uncontrollable screaming in front of witnesses every time she’s reunited with her brother??? WE STAN. This is how low Dorothy’s spirits sink whenever he’s gone:
”I slept in Wm.’s bed, and I slept badly, for my thoughts were full of William.”
adkfjdkfjdkfjdk I just want to add that when William is home the floorboards are so thin that she can hear him pacing in the bedroom above hers, so his insomnia keeps both of them up at night but she doesn’t mind, she can’t sleep until he falls asleep, she would probably give up a kidney or a lung if she thought it would sell 500 more copies for him. I’m torn between GIRL HE AIN’T WORTH IT and stanning her even harder for being so ride or die on any topic that touches her brother (later, when he has kids, she decides William’s kids are smarter and better-looking than everyone else’s kids).
This is the most iconic line in the entire book, from a letter Dorothy writes to an interfering relative who deplores Dorothy’s judgment for throwing in her lot with a penniless failson like William:
”I affirm that I consider the character and virtues of my brother sufficient protection”
The icily scathing tone of the setdown is PERFECTION. But also, this just in your brother abandoned his pregnant Catholic mistress in France. You know this. Yet here you are gallivanting around the countryside in his company. In fact, when he proves too much of a coward to tell your uncle himself about the existence of said pregnant mistress—this is the uncle who funded all of William’s education and reasonably expects some return on it—he delegates Dorothy to break the news. Dorothy also winds up in charge of all correspondence with the poor girl, who writes occasionally asking for a little money or when is William coming back to France to marry me, and it’s Dorothy who has to fob her off. And this whole incident—the revelation of the French mistress, the break with the family, William refusing to take holy orders to become a clergyman—is so pivotal in their relationship! They were close before but this is the irrevocable step when Dorothy decides to join her fate to his. And her motivation could not be clearer:
William’s outspoken affection for her seems to have first aroused a reciprocal love in Dorothy, but it was his fall from grace, his isolation and his need of a friend, which provided the final catalyst that raised her gradually deepening affection into wholehearted, single-minded devotion.
She saw his need and responded almost involuntarily. She is a RESCUER.
Dorothy, was in one way, very fortunate to have fallen in love with her brother. “Rambling around the country on foot” with a slightly disreputable brother might bring down the censure of her more conventional relatives, but it was a good deal safer than rambling about with a man who was not a brother.
This is the kind of behavior that if two unrelated people engaged in it must have resulted in the man being honor-bound to extend an offer of marriage, because a woman has nothing if she doesn’t have her virtue. Two siblings roaming the countryside, picking flowers and wading thru streams and stargazing? My god what PRIME fodder for fake married tropes! Just present yourself at the first inn you come to as a married couple and then guess what? There was only one bed!!!!
at Grasmere “there was an unnatural tale current of Wordsworth … having been intimate with his own sister.”
tell me MOAR omg this is so deliciously Gothic i keep thinking about that line from Wuthering Heights “whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
at Alfoxton, “the master of the house,” it was said, “had no wife with him, but only a woman who passes for his sister.”
PASSES for his sister trololololol like they don’t act the way you’d expect of a brother and sister, like they’re too into each other.
And it was generally accepted that immorality and radical anti-British sentiment went together.
But really William got much more staid and less radical as he got older, and Dorothy was never political because her energies were centered on William William William. On top of which it’s hard to overlook the fact that William would go into Dorothy’s journals and “borrow” her words and publish them verbatim as his own; he felt as entitled to her intellectual labor as her domestic labor, and there is nothing radically egalitarian about that. So I definitely don’t think this is a case where incest is subversive so much as incest illuminating existing hierarchies & oppressions. Veveers writes: “An unmarried woman’s hold on her own time was extremely fragile. She could be made use of in any crisis, transported against her wishes” to fulfill another family members’ needs. Jane Austen’s sister Cassandra evidently shouldered both their weights when it came to this sort of emotional labor: writing letters of thanks & condolence, minding their brothers’ children, calming hypochondriac aunts down, attending births of little nephews & nieces. Cassandra doing all this extra labor gave Jane the space and time to write. Moreover Jane had formed the ambition to write. Dorothy, on the other hand, thought anything worth saying was already being said by William. And she didn’t have her own Cassandra to share the unceasing burden of housework with:
In fact, the domestic labor and childcare that lay ahead of Dorothy were almost indistinguishable from the duties she had escaped at Forncett rectory. But now she was to be living in a home she had chosen, with a man she loved.
Did it matter in the end, Dorothy’s rebellion? If she’d remained a hanger-on in her uncle’s household, living on his charity, her life would not have been outwardly all that different. I have to believe that her choices did matter, of course. It would be easy to sit here and speculate that if Dorothy had not poured all her mental and physical resources into supporting William’s career, she too might have produced another Pride & Prejudice, but naturally we cannot know that. What we know is that Dorothy and William were 100% in love, a fact that anyone with a modicum of reading comprehension can verify by reading their letters. Why is this not more widely discussed? William Wordsworth was not exactly an obscure poet. The explanation, again, comes back to patriarchy:
The idea that Dorothy might have inspired (or felt) desire at Dove Cottage was as abhorrent to mid-20th century academics as it was to gentlemen of the early 19th century … who preferred to think of unmarried women drooping and degenerating after the age of 25, rather than maintaining a subversive and disturbing sexuality.
I wish I could say that William and Dorothy grew old together at Dove Cottage. What actually happened is he got married (she talked him into it—she chose a mutual friend of theirs whom they’d known for ages) and accidentally fell in love with his wife oops. His new wife was neither young nor pretty, in fact she was painfully plain, but that William became genuinely attached to her there can be no doubt. Dorothy continued to live with them and look after their children until her death. So I think we have avoided the worst case scenario, the malevolent-power-of-the-married-woman-ruins-her-spinster-in-law’s-life scenario: This is what happened to Jane Austen when Jane’s father unexpectedly announced his retirement, uprooting Jane and Cassandra from the Steventon rectory where they’d lived all their lives and forcibly removing them to Bath, where Jane was so miserable she did no writing for years. All this upheaval on account of Jane’s brother and his wife wanting the Steventon rectory and its income for their own! The accursed woman was probably measuring the drapes before she’d moved in. Anyway, it is fortunate this open enmity did not characterize Dorothy Wordsworth’s relationship with her sister in law; they were fast friends and they remained friends after the latter’s marriage to William. But instead of William-and-Dorothy forming the nucleus of life at Dove Cottage now it was William-and-Mary, and if this did not sting at least a little Dorothy would not be human. She had been supplanted in William’s heart. I CRY.
Because I’m literal shipper trash I want to end on the bittersweet note of SIBLINGS EXCHANGING RINGS AS A SYMBOL OF COMMITMENT EVEN THO THEY CAN’T LEGALLY GET MARRIED. This is Dorothy’s description of the morning of William and Mary’s wedding, right before they leave the house to attend the ceremony:
”I gave him the wedding ring—with how deep a blessing! I took it from my forefinger where I had worn it the whole of the night before—he slipped it again onto my finger and blessed me fervently.” It might be said that William married her before he married Mary, and that Dorothy was making a promise in that upstairs room try like the one Mary was about to make in church.
it’s been two months since I read this book and i’m STILL SCREECHING byeeeee
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lmao so i thought someone asked for an analysis of the gwf vid like i could’ve sworn i had that ask so y’all just have to deal with me posting it anyway here ya go lads golf gone sexual™: the final edition
the fucking. the pirate outfits. the. i’m. i don’t. i can’t. (x) ‘left over from somewhere’
fucking phil ‘u lost ur stick last time i think’ yeah phil sure yeah sure okay buddy
‘choke me daddy festive edition’ @ dan pls stop
what cuties i love them just not actually knowing what they’re doing and messing it up and these awkward long pauses before they burst into a fit of giggles i love them
why did they even bring up the ‘winter update’ like it had no relevance??
crinkly boye
don’t worry i can host dan what are u even on about
phil out here coming up with a great vid name (yo ho ho) and they went with battle for the booty smh that says everything u ever need to know abt dnp
wow even in this year of 2018 we got yet another ur mum joke (and phil’s right we do love kath)
@ dan pls stop ur bf from making weird hand gestures okay that’s,,,,,it’s unnecessary
hi they cute
‘u absolute twit nipple’ how on earth does that still sound so fond what the fuck
and another ur mum joke wow i just,,,,wow
the way dan says ‘oh my god that was good’ like. he never sounds like that??? it’s a good sound he should sound like it more often idk it’s like soft and genuine in a sort of ‘wow i did okay??’ kinda cute surprised way??
‘stop talking about how close this is’ dan,,,,,,really u thought that was bad??? really??? really?????
phil’s deep-voiced yarr and dan’s literal only reaction being that he should’ve made a pun out of it leads me to believe philip does that deep voice often enough that dan is entirely unfazed and idk how i feel abt that
‘just bounced off the rim that’s how i like to play it, don’t go in, just bounce off it’ that cheeky fuckin smile daniel please can u not
lmao the pirate outfit is unlucky hm
hi i love dan’s lil trying-not-to-smile-but-just-about-to-smile smile when he’s staring at phil it makes me happy
how did they spend ten minutes (okay ten full seconds) trying to figure out the name of the wheel
dan: makes f/phat booty pun, phil: ‘they’re just filled with ass they’re not even coins’
same dan
important content
ik everyone’s said it by now but dan’s choice of adjective was great and i’m here for it (’gaily jumping off the ship’)
dan’s lil smile when phil’s ‘gaily adjusting his stance’
dimply boye
how does phil just blatantly ignore ‘phil’s edging us guys’ like idk i mean i hyperfocus too but like damn they really must just talk about that kind of stuff on a regular basis bc u don’t just tune that out y’know
phil’s distracted ‘that is so much ass’
‘yarrs’ carries the same energy as when dan made the ‘ain’t no gravy up in this kitch’ joke in the bunny biscuits vid and stared at phil and waited for his joke to be acknowledged
my kink is dan looking hilariously fond abt phil making bad sex-related comments (’it’s a strap-on’)
hey phil u know if u swear in another language it’s still swearing right?
did dan just absolutely commit to the harder flag?? without saying anything abt it? even though he lost?
phil just. out here. purposely almost-swearing. we stan
ik i saw this joke elsewhere but phil ur literally staring at a posh pirate mmkay b
i just wanna know what was going through dan’s head with ‘oingo boingo i’m a dick’ bc like. u okay there b??
ye dan we know ur geometry skills are quite lacking but glad the whole reference thing just keeps on coming up
‘they’re gonna do an exam about me and everyone’s gonna get an A star’ i mean that’s living in the phandom isn’t it? We all aspire to be phil trash, even though only One can hold the ultimate title
okay like take five seconds and take a step back they’re literally just playing golf i love how stupidly competitive they get it’s adorable
‘oh dear’ makin a comeback
plankspank.com why are they like this (at least phil didn’t buy the domain this time)
danny u have picked up ur husband’s habit of making a cawing noise whenever u get a birdie
why does he do this
physically in pain
fucking hell dan why do u have to make this so goddamn sexual i didn’t ask for this i didn’t want u talkin bout how it was a slow one and u put it in and jfc look i read phanfiction for a reason i don’t actually wanna know what ur sex life is like okay
britney spears references wow is it 2010 again or is that just all the foreplay golf,,,,,play,,,,,
dan,,,,,,,,
re: the tentacle: ‘that is gonna be right,,,,somewhere’ dan we got it u did not have to add ‘right in the poop deck’ and ur fucking noise okay we did Not need that
i lied earlier my kink is dan saying he cannot believe smth
this is just becoming a masterpost of all the weird faces dan makes
‘it’s part of the loser station for idiots who get everything wrong’ ???? dan help i can’t tell are u a seven y.o child who makes up mean insults when u lose or a twenty-seven year old adult who makes sex jokes n innuendos bc this vid is giving me mixed vibes
🎶🎶there she goes, there she goes again🎶🎶
awwwww matching nerds
dan n his fuckin squeaky i’m-making-fun-of-u voice
‘some people are just skilled booty raiders’ #dantops2k18
Important Dan Fact™ if u can see his lil corner of his mouth u can bet u could see his dimple on the other side and i’m suing bc we can’t see it
why did it take them like 3 tries to figure out they had to time it with the cannons i mean it’s like they’ve never played a vid game in their lives
bite it danny boy u know u want to u also know if it were the other way round phil would’ve bitten at dan’s finger
more dan face
phil absolutely going off topic with ‘sometimes i want to explore with fashion’ and dan’s immediate ‘oh do u now phil lmao’
‘so many textures out there’ he cute
i mean dan cute too but phil cute for sayin it
we stan boyfriends with literally the same brain whining abt lazy rivers and rude kids
hi sorry i just love watching phil when dan’s talking bc he pays so much attention like he used to not do that (back in the day) but like he just really turns and focuses on dan now and it makes me happy
i know we all adore dan’s ‘shut up’ but it always gives me life hearing phil tell dan to shut up
fond daniel
also phil’s super cute soft natural voice when he’s talking about how he keeps saying ‘watch this’
has phil ever gotten this frustrated with gwf lmao
‘bollocks’ as if that’s a thing they say
just kiss him phil goddamn i mean u wanna win right what better way to throw him off his game
why did maximum yeet have to become a thing i s2g
‘why am i helping’ bc u have absolutely no willpower and u want phil to be happy bc it makes u happy that’s why
why,,,,,,,why does everything satisfying have to be sexual phil, why. just. why. and then? golf gone sexual? as if that’s not a better title for the goddamn vid than ‘battle for the booty’ at least it’s accurate??? ‘battle for the booty’ i expect them dueling irl over who gets to top next or some shit that is why u call a vid ‘battle for the booty’
dan,,,,,,pls let ur bf make the weird noises okay
hi sorry what the Fuck is this
is that meant to be a monkey or some shit like what???????
that is a skeleton pirate thing what the hell
why does he have such a long face
idk they cute when they look at each other like they're like having a serious convo even tho they aren’t (although i wouldn’t be shocked if making puns is an important point of communication between them)
also fun fact i heard phil saying ‘jewel’ for the first like five times instead of duel
phil, realizing he’s said something he shouldn’t have
a cute
hi once again i love them
phil doing his face covering thing why does he always look at least 3x cuter when he’s doing it whilst staring at dan
‘i got the octopus, he’s gonna marry me, we’re gonna have tentacle hooked babies with parrots on the crib’
same dan same
and then he turns around n says ‘spank me with a plank and call me poopy susan’ wtf is wrong with them
‘u love a good tentacle don’t u’ show me where i asked
dan, actually considering how that would feel with all the tentacles:
how did they go from phil saying ‘you love a good tentacle’ to saying ‘(you/we) should get some of those’ to dan saying ‘no, you shouldn’t’ like uhm. wot
this
#dnp#dan and phil#dapg#danandphilgames#phan#golf with friends#pirate edition#vid analysis#moonshine gifs#kt#and yes to the person that asked for an analysis for the heartthrob vid#that's coming give me like ten mins lmao
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bad boy hyunjin ☹︎ pt I.
literally after i posted that i wanted to write a bad boy hyunjin the whole world and their mama msged me a request dfjfsldj so here it is kiddos!
part one. part two.
ugh okay jfc where do i begin
this is gonna be a school au bc like, it just is
bad boy hyunjin would honestly be the school’s heart-throb
he’s already gorgeous as shit and just something about his smirk drives everyone insane, except you of course
because you’re an enigma, the odd one out, the only person who just sees him as a delinquent and a shit show
he’s just a complete ass, on countless occasions does he bump into people and not bother to help them up, he smokes on campus and comes to class just to sleep the whole damn hour before skipping the rest of the day
him and his posse of idiot friends were so loud and obnoxious holy hell, especially that minho kid like did he ever shut up?
but somehow the whole school was absolutely smitten.
girls and boys alike would just fawn over him every minute of the day, especially after school when him and his gang of losers all lean on their motorbikes like some cringey street gang and smoke cigarettes to take the edge off of a long day of doing absolutely nothing besides skipping, talking back to teachers, getting into fights and flirting with the teacher’s assistant to get out of detention.
so you’ve always hated him and his dumb hair and his dumb piercings
and whats with the lollipops? on the days he’d bother to come to school he’d always have a lollipop in his mouth, his whole clique of fuck-ups did
bad boy hyunjin 100% would have that greasy 90s jock look, im talking leather jackets or the schools football team’s varsity jacket because he was their star player
but deep down you knew you hated hyunjin because you secretly found him attractive as shit balls
you guys are chemistry partners, despite your protests to your teacher, and hyunjin always had the same stupid smirk on his face whenever you were paired up
“oh this is exciting, now i know for sure i’m getting an A.”
“yeah i’m sure you need it considering you basically flunked last year, oh and this year too.”
“see thats what i have you around for babe, what would i do without that big bright brain of yours?” he’d say with an ugly wink before ruffling your hair and you’d just roll your eyes bc why the fook is your heart racing??
what sucks is that very same day, your class’ results were posted on the bulletin board outside your school
hyunjin was in the top ten and the honor roll, his whole squad of monkeys were, the name kim seungmin sitting bright at the top though, the school’s angel and student body president, luckily some things were still sane and in check.
literally how hyunjin’s name sat beneath seungmin’s though was beyond you.
“shocked? i know, i know, how can i be this hot and a genius?” shit he scared you, hyunjin was right behind you, a lollipop in his mouth again god how did he not have a billion cavities?
he saw you glaring angrily at a sheet of paper stapled to the wall and figured it had to do with him, conceited asshole
“yeah i wonder who the poor soul is who’s doing your homework and projects for you. how much do you pay them? hell, doubt you even pay them, besides in bloody noses and black eyes huh?”
“y’know, i’m not that bad of a guy y/n, you’d be surprised.”
“i highly doubt that, you’re an asshole and even if you cured cancer it wouldn’t change my mind.” you scoff.
“you’re so sassy, i like that, it’s cute.” he’d wrap an arm around your shoulder just to egg you on more and you’d shove him off, face burning slightly for god knows why
“fuck off hyunjin”
“aw but you’re blushing, do you like it when i call you cute, babe?”
god what is wrong with him and what in the actual fuck was wrong with your face and heart? why were your cheeks burning so bad and your heart basically having a seizure in your chest?
“n-no i don’t, fuck off.” before he could bother you any further you grab your bag and practically run the hell out of there.
the next day shit only gets worse
hyunjin is breaking dress code yet again, not bothering to wear his blazer and his tie is a complete mess and did this boy own a comb? why was his hair always a damn mess
but what really caught your attention was the scar on his eyebrow, it wasn’t there yesterday, and for some reason you couldn’t shake the thought about how he could’ve possibly gotten it.
in chemistry he seems a bit more quiet, and he’s actually taking notes for once, he hadn’t greeted you with the usual hey babe or good morning doll like he usually does and even though you tell yourself you hate it you secretly really liked it and just what was wrong with hyunjin?
it isnt until after school do you get your answer
it seems like there’s beef between his clan of monkeys and the other bad boy gang over at sm high (im laughing my ass off)
they catch hyunjin off guard, and the poor baby is basically jumped when he’s all laone
honestly? hyunjin got fucked up pretty bad.
i mean like, busted lip, his eyes turning a shade of yellow so clearly they’re bruising up and his nose was bleeding slightly.
but where was the rest of his friends? why was he all alone? why the fuck were you the unlucky soul to have to clean up this damn mess?
but no matter how much your anger and hatred for him tells you to leave him just laying there on the concrete, bloody and bruised, sympathy, a shed of infatuation and pity drags your feet over to him
“they fucked me up pretty bad, huh babe?” he says with a bitter laugh, wiping at the blood on his lip
your heart kind of falls into your stomach at the sight of him, he still looked fucking gorgeous which sucked but the sight of hyunjin, so beaten, really took a toll on your heart.
“are you okay? should i take you to the hospital?” you cup his face in your hands, wiping at the blood on the side of his cheek and he shakes his head
“nah i’m okay, i just, fuck-” he groans when you touch his arm, you apologize immediately
“okay come on, i’ll take you home.” you offer, helping him up and lo and behold, he’s fucking smirking
“i thought you hated me, what happened?”
“i do hate you.”
“then why are you helping me?”
“because i have this thing called pity and a heart.”
“huh, you have a heart? didn’t know.”
“oh fuck off hyunjin before i leave you to limp home.”
“you wouldn’t”
“you dare me?”
“you like me too much to do that.” he says with a dumb grin and you turn and scoff letting his arm go.
he immediately falls to one knee though, wincing again and his face contorting into one of pain and your heart just kind of aches at the sight
you groan in frustration before wrapping your arms around his waist, hoisting him up and he just laughs, tucking his face into your neck
“i told you.”
“just shut up will you?” you say, trying your hardest to avoid eye contact with him because he pulls away from your neck and just why the hell is his face so damn close to yours?
“y’know its easier to just admit it than keeping up this facade y/n.”
“facade? and admit what? that you’re a dick?”
“that you like me.”
“i-i don’t like you hyunjin.”
“then why are you stuttering? why are you blushing? say it again and look me in the eyes.” he teases, a glint in his eyes and you just know this isnt going to end well
“look can i just call minho or something i can deal with you.” your face is literally on fire and hyunjin keeps smirking at you and your heart is racing in your chest and just fuck why
“i’m just going to assume that was a yes.”
“it wasn’t.”
“then say it.”
“no.”
“so you like me?”
“i don’t like you!” you practically yell, hyunjin’s face dangerously close to yours and his eyes literally staring into your soul
“then why can i feel your heart beating?” you forgot you were still basically hugging him, keeping his body held upright, and just shit hyunjin leans forward and kisses you gently, it only lasted for a second and your brain was practically short circuiting so you did nothing but stand there, frozen.
“you’re so cute when you blush.”
of course that makes your face turn even redder who knew it was possible and before you can finally give in to hyunjin and his stupid good looks and irresistible advances, he opens his ugly mouth again.
“but your breath is a little stinky, i’d recommend some mouthwash after lunch-”
and then you just drop him at that moment, letting his body fall to the floor and hyunjin just lays there laughing his ass off while you give him the bird before screaming “crawl home you dick”
minho luckily comes by just a moment later, only to see hyunjin still clutching his stomach because he can’t stop fucking laughing and a very red faced you walking the other direction.
“what happened?” he asks while helping hyunjin up, clearly referring to his bloodied lip and swollen eyes but hyunjin couldn’t care less about the bruises, he’s just happy he got to tease you and finally kiss you.
hyunjin just smiles dazedly, “i kissed y/n.”
“you still like them? and i was talking about your face, hyunjin.”
“oh, yeah, i got my ass kicked, do you have y/n’s number by any chance?” he says while slipping a lollipop into his mouth.
✐ requests are open!
#hyunjin#hwang hyunjin#hwang hyunjin imagines#hwang hyunjin scenarios#hwang hyunjin requests#stray kids#stray kids imagines#stray kids scenarios#stray kids requests
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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander
Thoughts on Ep. 410
Attempting Dry January seemed like a great idea. Give my liver a break! Save the money I would have spent on beer! No hangovers! And then I realized that January was literally going to be a month of Rogergate and immediately regretted my decision.
We're at the point in the season where the plot is dumb af so like when watching the episode, it's not so much "is this good" as "is this less shitty than the complete crap the book was." Which is like a really low bar. But this is Outlander, so the bar is always low. So this recap is mostly me being like "this is dumb and bad but they did the bare minimum to make it slightly less shitty than it could have been." (Which, considering it's their job to adapt the books, doesn't make them look very good. Less bad does not equal good.)
So like this episode, is a hot mess at times, but when adjusted for Rogergate is better than I was expecting.
The fuck does the still have to do with the episode to merit being the title card? Jamie’s lie about his hand to Bree doesn’t seem important enough to justify it. But whatever.
Has Bree gotten a haircut? Because even if it’s not straightened, it’s wayyy shorter than it would be if it was just curly but at the same length it was when it was straight.
Also Jamie’s bangs are still a crime against humanity.
This concludes Der Fixates on Wigs.
Bree in breeks!
Jamie insisting Bree be married still bugs me. All Claire’s talk about the future and how it is for women there and he’s like well clearly she should forget all of that and marry someone because I think she should. Like wtf, bro. Y’all live in the middle of fucking nowhere. No one gives a shit if she’s married or not. Say she’s a widow if you really care that much.
Seriously this episode like can’t make up its mind if handfasting counts as marriage or not. Like I thought the whole point of handfasting was that it was the same as marriage for a year. And it hasn’t been a year yet so Bree is technically married. Yet they keep referring to her as unwed both here and then again at River Run.
Bree thinking Roger won’t want her because she’s been raped and is pregnant is so fucked up, I want to hug her. But Roger is a complete asshat so at this point, it’s also probably true. (Only partly kidding there.) Because he’s the wooorst.
But Bree, girl, you did nothing wrong. You are not “damaged.” You are not less than because this happened to you.
“He doesn’t deserve ye.” Out of context Jamie Fraser speaking the truth.
Sorry not sorry but I still hate Roger. Yes, Jamie has done some fucked up things and was an asshole and never had to atone because lol why would the show make a character do that, but that’s easier for me to overlook because he had more screen time so I could headcanon out when he was shitty. Roger hasn’t had as much screen time in his relationship with Bree when he isn’t a dick to make me want to overlook the fact that he was a complete doucherocket. The show is asking me to accept that Bree has forgiven him and loves him and yada yada but like, they never did anything to get me invested in them more than he just has a crush on her and she sort of likes him when he wasn’t being a twat. So yeah, we’re stuck with Roger, but barring some unlikely groveling when he finally comes back, I’m really not here for him.
But for real though, fucked up opinions about marriage aside, I’m so here for supportive Da!Jamie.
I was kind of undecided about how I felt about the scene where Jamie shows Bree she couldn’t have fought off Bonnet in the book. But seeing it on scree, hard pass. Yes, Bree couldn’t believe her mother about time travel until she saw it with her own eyes when Geillis went through the stones. So like, sure, Bree would probs keep feeling guilty until she *knew* she couldn’t have fought off Bonnet. (Even though she has nothing to feel guilty about. But knowing something isn’t your fault and truly accepting that deep down are two completely different things.) But JFC, Jamie. There are less fucked up ways to show her that. Like tell her you can prove to her that she couldn’t have fought off Bonnet. Get her consent before doing your little demonstration. She’s not fucking She-Hulk, being angry isn’t going to give her super strength. She can try to fight you off without thinking you’re a complete fuckwad who is denying her trauma.
I really hope Claire didn’t go into too much of the gory detail about Wentworth, tbh. I know she thought Bree would never meet Jamie, but like, it’s still kind of weird to share all the disturbing details about something that personal without the say so of the person it happened to.
“Ye wilna forget, but time will let you heal.” Guys I’m feeling feelings.
But I still think it was the wrong call to include Bree’s rape.
Oh look it’s Roger. Time for a tea break.
Man, I regret deciding not to drink this month.
I got this text from @sileas84 and same, girl, same:
Also it’s really not a good look that they’re making Native Americans the antagonists. Again. Yes, I know it’s in the book. Don’t @ me.
Yo but I really wanted to hear the end of the Mohawk man’s story instead of cutting over to Roger.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT WHAT FLINT CREATED!
Give me all the Claire and Bree. Petition for the rest of the show to just be Claire and Bree going on adventures. Murtagh can come too. And Fergus and Marsali can be like their HQ when they need to stock up on more adventuring supplies.
But fuck yeah Claire giving Bree abortion as an option in a completely nonjudgmental way. (Because there is nothing to judge about having an abortion. Nothing.)
Friendly reminder that donating to Planned Parenthood is always a good idea, they provide all sorts affordable health services and are the only option for a lot of folks.
Also, fuck Roger for being like violently anti-choice. Yet another reason why I really don’t like that guy.
I hate the story choices that made this scene necessary, but dammit since they’re doing it, I love this scene.
#TeamBeauchampWomen5Eva
“Can ye no be smitten with cousins in yer time?” “No, you cousin-kissing weirdo. You’re like one step away from being siblings. It’s fucking gross and I’m judging you.”
“It’s nice to have a cousin. I apparently have a lot of cousins, but I didn’t get to meet any of them even though I was at their house because the writers decided it would be cool to spend half an episode with Laoghaire instead.”
“She’d grow roots there if she could... in her wee garden.” “My father used to say the same thing. He used to joke that she would leave us someday and go and live alone in the woods. Except he wasn’t joking because he fucking knew that she would do just that. Because he knew that she ended up on Fraser’s Ridge and he didn’t tell her. Instead, he joked with me about my mother leaving me because he was all about making sure I was very aware of my mother being slightly distant. Because he was a complete piece of shit. And I understand that now. Except I don’t because even though I kicked my shitty boyfriend to the curb for being the same kind of shitty, the writers of this show have deluded themselves into thinking Fred was a good guy. So I as a character have to not put the dots together.”
“And I came here to find you too.” Awww, too bad your Da turns out to be a rage monster.
Oh, cool, another montage. Cool cool cool. And that’s like the same shot of the sow from the other episode.
Claire and Bree playing the what do you miss from the future is fucking adorable and I love it with my whole heart.
Also Claire I-love-me-some-jazz Beauchamp being like “yeah, I’m totally hip with the youths, I would love Led Zeppelin” is my literal favorite.
Ok great that they’re showing Bree still having residual PTSD from her rape (the obligatory “fuck them for including it” should be a given), but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WHY ARE THEY SHOWING ANOTHER ATTEMPTED RAPE. YOU CAN SHOW HER HAVING A BAD DREAM WITHOUT FUCKING SHOWING ANOTHER VIOLENT SEXUAL ASSAULT. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, SHOW. YOU ARE THE LITERAL WORST.
I really can’t be as mad at Lizzie as I am at Jamie. Roger was a manhandling douche with Bree so like of course she thought what she thought. But she should have talked to Bree. Really I just hate Jamie for this whole mess. Fuck him for telling Lizzie not to tell Bree. Fuck him for making Ian “clean up” his fuck up. Fuck him for getting rid of Roger without talking with Bree first. Fuck Jamie, tbh.
“I thought Roger went...back.” Y’all I just need Ian to know the truth.
I am 100000000% here for Bree ripping these idiots a new one.
This whole plot line is such a fucking mess and I hate it with the passion of a thousand suns.
“You bedded him from lust?” Well she literally just said they were fucking handfast which, again, is basically like marriage. So she fucking had a wedding night you backwards fucking douchewad.
Also, she can fuck whoever she wants. As long as it’s what *she* wants. Fuck Jamie for being 100% ok with Fergus sleeping with prostitutes but not being able to wrap his head around Bree sleeping with someone she wants to sleep with. Claire’s told him enough about the future that him being a close-minded twat about this and like her bikini in the photos and shit just makes him look bad. Yes he’s from the past, but if he’s accepted fucking time travel and the fact that it’s not cool to beat your fucking wife, he can wrap his head around the fact that attitudes toward sex change in the future.
And yes, I know that line was him thinking she lied to him about being raped, but still. Ugh.
YAAAS, QUEEN. SLAP HIM AGAIN.
Yeah, Lizzie, you should feel bad.
And yeah for Claire for going straight to Bree instead of waffling about who to comfort.
“My father would never have said the things you said to *me.* He said them to my *mother.* But he was a good man. Because the writers can’t accept that they wrote him as an absolute prick.”
Seriously, if fucking one more person on this fucking show says that Fred is a good guy, I’m gonna vomit.
I know I linked to it in last week’s recap too, but I’m still fucking holding out for Claire to get to have this convo with Jamie at some point, but I honestly highly doubt they’ll include it.
Ok so here’s my thing with them not telling Jamie that it was Bonnet who raped Bree: It’s dumb af. Bree doesn’t want to tell Jamie because it will make Jamie’s #manpain worse. Fuck. That. Noise. His manpain doesn’t matter. Bonnet is someone who is known to them, which may or may not have played into Bonnet deciding to rape Bree. Fuck Jamie’s feelings. Especially since apparently the fucking backwoods of North Carolina are a small enough place that the Frasers keep running into people they know. There’s a chance they’ll run into Bonnet again (which they do, because he’s annoying and sticks around for two more books, although I seriously hope they kill him this season instead of dragging it out for two more seasons) and it’s better to have everyone know than have them be blindsided if they run into him again. Because you *know* that if he ever ran into them again, Bonnet would 100% be like yeah, I fucked your kid. (On that note, did Bonnet know that Bree was Roger’s girlfriend in the show? I can’t remember...) Even if Bree wasn’t comfortable enough talking to Jamie about it, it would have made sense for her to have Claire tell him.
I know in the past I’ve said that Claire should have just told Jamie anyway, and I still kind of think that, given the stakes of this specific situation. But I’m also working through my own shit about my mom where I really lost trust in her because she thought she was entitled to personal information about me and that it was her place to tell my dad because he “deserved” to know. So like, I’m very conflicted about this.
I do like that Bree nods her permission to Claire to tell Jamie. If Claire’s going to agree to keep Bree’s secret, she should keep it until Bree says it’s ok.
“I sold him to the Mohawk. Because clearly seeing slavery firsthand made zero impression on me and I think it’s totally ok to sell a man into slavery.”
I still blame Jamie for 99% of this, tbh. But also, fuck you, Ian.
Don’t @ me with that they thought he was a rapist so it’s ok. It’s not ok. That is not an excuse. If you want to beat him up first and ask questions later, fine, get a few punches in, tie him up and ask Bree if it’s the fucking guy. They’re taking away her agency by “handling” things without telling her. Which is so fucked up.
Also fucked up? SELLING A GUY INTO SLAVERY.
Ian 1000% deserved that punch. I know he loves Jamie, but what Jamie did was fucked up. He didn’t have to sell a fucking guy into slavery. Fergus is like a son to Jamie and he stood up to Jamie when he was being a fuckwit last year. There’s precedent for fucking not going along with Jamie’s dumbass ideas.
And Lizzie 100000% deserves that “You should be.”
All these fuckers deserve all of this. Keeping this shit from the one person who should have a say in what happens to the man who raped her is such paternalistic bullshit.
“No! No. You do not get to be more angry than me.” This is maybe my favorite line of the season, tbh. I fucking LOVE it. Preach, Bree, fucking preach. Fuck your manpain, Fraser, you fucked up. You can feel bad about it, but you are not the victim here.
Y’all I fucking love Bree.
Y’all I fucking don’t give a single flying fuck about Roger.
“It’s said that they adopt folk into their tribe... In order to replace those as are killed or die of sickness.” Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen at the end of the season. They 100% changed it from Jamie selling a dude to slavery to Ian selling a dude into slavery so in the finale or whatever they can have Ian be like “this is my penance” and decide to stay with the Mohawk and be adopted. Which I guess works better than in the book where he does it even though it’s Jamie who fucked up?
But I still blame Jamie most.
“You’re insane. You’ve done enough damage.” Understatement of two centuries, Bree.
Ian: “They’re more than a week ahead of us. If they dinna stop, we’ll be lagging behind for months.”
Bree:
I hate that we’re stuck with another “who’s the daddy” story line.
“After everything those two have done, can you look me in the eye and tell me you trust their judgement?” “Ok, yeah, that’s a fair point.”
“I’ll take her.” ALWAYS TAKE A MURTAGH!!!
Who the fuck is Tom Burley. He’s been mentioned twice. I know he’s one of those mystery settlers they apparently got at some point who we’ve never seen or met, but still. If you’re gonna keep name dropping someone, we should at least meet them at some point.
Oh don’t put this on Claire, Jamie. Yeah, Bree should have had Claire tell you, but FFS, you fucking wanted to kill a guy based off the word of a fucking random maid without consulting with your kid, who is the *only* person who should have a say in this situation. Fuck you.
“You told me you hit a tree.” Yaaaaas.
“You said that. I-I just let you believe it.” Ok, I know I seem like I’m letting Claire off lightly, and I probs am. But like, keeping something from Jamie because Bree asked her to, while a dumb choice on Bree’s part and possibly Claire’s part, is different than Jamie keeping something from Claire for literally no reason. Like why the fuck didn’t Jamie tell Claire he beat the shit out of a dude.
WHY CAN’T THESE FUCKERS JUST COMMUNICATE. EVEN IF THEY EACH ONLY TALK TO CLAIRE, CLAIRE WOULD HAVE PUT IT TOGETHER AND BEEN LIKE WTFFFFFF NOOOOOO.
ROGERGATE WILL FOREVER AND ALWAYS BE THE FUCKING WORST.
“Find Stephen Bonnet. Bring him to me in secret. I’m gonna kill him.” You fucking dumbass motherfucker. Clearly trying to take your own revenge in secret worked out so fucking well the first time.
The fucking men on this show are exhausting.
Claire trying to ease Bree’s mind about maybe having to deliver the baby without her makes me feel feelings. Basically I just want all of the Claire and Bree and none of the dudebros.
BUT OMFG, BREE CAN DRAW LIKE A SPOT ON PORTRAIT OF ROGER AND FUCKING NEVER DID THAT BEFORE WHEN SHE FIRST SHOWED UP AND WAS TELLING HER FAMILY ABOUT HER BOYFIEND?! (i know that’s a typo but it seemed strangely fitting so i’m keeping it) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! LITERALLY WHEN YOU’RE TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THE PERSON YOU’RE SEEING “WHAT DO THEY LOOK LIKE” IS LIKE IN THE FIRST THREE QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK REGARDLESS OF WHAT TIME PERIOD IT IS. YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT SHE NEVER DESCRIBED HIM OR FUCKING DREW HIS PICTURE IF SHE’S APPARENTLY NOW AN ARTIST?!
I HATE EVERYTHING.
“It’s a good likeness. If only you drew it two fucking months ago when we were all playing the getting to know you game.”
I cannot stress enough how much I hate Rogergate.
“What do you want me to say to Roger?” “Tell him everything. Like I should have had you tell Jamie. And then this whole mess could have been avoided.”
“He came back for me. And I’ve apparently not only changed my mind about marriage but also about him being a twatwaffle. So everyone should ship us even though you haven’t been given a reason to.”
Bree wanting Roger to have all the facts so he can make a decision again makes it clear just how much more emotionally mature she is than him. She deserves so much fucking better.
Gah, I knew the Ian proposing thing was coming when they did the “he’s smitten with you” bit before, but UGH. DO NOT WANT.
“For my part in this calamity, I want ye to know, if we dinna find him... It would be my honor to take your hand in the holy sacrament of marriage--” Because it’s every girl’s dream to fucking marry their fucking cousin who SOLD THEIR BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND DEPENDING ON WHAT MOOD THE SHOW IS IN INTO SLAVERY.
Why did they decide doing this story line was a good idea. Why did they fucking include this stupid proposal. Like yes, it’s better than the book because in the book it’s Jamie telling Ian to do it. But “better than the book” doesn’t equal good.
It’s so hard to take Jamie seriously in emotional scenes when his hair looks like that.
Please next week can we have a metric fuckton of Murtagh and Bree bonding? Please?
And then the episode ended with Claire riding off with tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber.
Except it didn’t and I need more tea.
I do love the detail that one of the Mohawk has an English soldier’s coat. Most likely taken from when the Mohawk allied with the English during the French and Indian War.
Ulysses being like “sorry, in this house we have hygiene standards” when Murtz and Bree show up makes me lol, but also we’re back to dealing with slavery. Because that went so well last time.
MURCASTAAAAA
Idk if I actually ship it since she’s like so aware of him along with everyone else in the Highlands being in love with Ellen. And the whole slavery thing. But I am so here for more of the two of them together.
Ok again, though, I thought handfasting was like marriage. She straight up says that she’s handfast to the guy her parents are looking for. But in the same sentence she says she’s unmarried. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND, SHOW.
I do like both of them being like “um, yeah, hi, we can speak for our damn selves,” though.
I hate cliffhangers.
Also Roger finding this standing stone doesn’t mean the cold open of the premiere was good or worth it, tbh. I still hate that.
Please just go through the stones so we don’t need to deal with you anymore, Roger.
Also, like, we know he’s not actually going to go back to the future. Because if he did, this whole back half of the season would be a waste. So like this cliffhanger is dumb on multiple levels.
Is it February yet? I need a drink.
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Survey #206
“have you ever wished for death and prayed all night for your last breath?”
Do you always read the book before you see a movie based on a book? No.
When you’re out with friends, do they ever encourage you to spend money you should be saving? 1.) I don't hang out w/ anyone now, 2.) but even when I did, they all knew I didn't make money.
Is there anything you’re trying to save up money for? What? Perpetually tattoos, I want a PS4 super badly to play a novel of games I've been dying to play (SotC and Spyro trilogy remaster, I'm @ing you so hard), I need a car soon as I plan to at least try and get my license in the near future, I'd love to always have enough to immediately go to Sara's in case of an emergency, a trip to South Africa... but those are gonna take a good while to complete. I have my priorities straight for when I get a job.
Have you ever watched a movie you didn’t really want to see just because a friend asked you to? Yeah.
Did you end up liking the movie, anyway? There's been many cases of the above situation, so I'm sure in some instances I have.
Heard any great songs for the first time lately? What songs? Hmmm, quite a number. "Radio" by Rammstein is great, and I love "bury a friend" and "bad guy" by Billie Eilish.
What is your favorite urban legend? m o t h m a n and the joysey devil. Probably top two. GAH I love so many though????????????? Like Skinwalkers?????????????? And WENDIGOS????????? Have you seen all the cool shit??????????????
Do you remember the last nightmare you had? What was it? No, thankfully.
Have you ever hopped on any bandwagons? HAHA. Freshman year, high school... I "liked" screamo or alternative-type bands I'd barely ever listened to or even enjoyed to fit in with the emos aldkjfalkwejr.
Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? Definitely not a complete one, but I can get pretty annoyed if in WoW we're in a heroic dungeon and people don't know the mechanics you should have already learned + read new ones that're right there in the goddamn journal laksdjfaoweir and then some people just totally ignore your advice and alskdjfwleiruwqoeif x2. Then again I've been that confused asshole in a couple raiding situations BUT LOOK they're harder and I had too much to catch up on okay. Still no excuse by WHATEVER.
Have elitists on a fansite ever intimidated or talked down to you? I don't believe so.
Is there anything you swear you will never do again? A few things with certainty.
How late do you usually stay awake? I can literally go to bed as early as 7 to as late as 11 or rarely later. I do NOT have a schedule. Started months ago, and at first it frustrated and stressed me out quite a bit, but by now, I've just accepted it for me.
Do you have pets? If so, how did you choose their names? Teddy: sister named him, but I'm sure it was the "cute as a teddy bear" type thing; Bentley: no clue; Roman: it sounded majestic, cats are majestic; Venus: pretty, and her coloration is similar to the planet; Kaiju: totally badass for an iguana that's gonna grow to be a big 'ole scaly boy; and Mitsu: I had a theme of giving my rats cutesy "M" names.
Do you ever buy special treats for your pets? Occasionally.
Is just being fond of something enough, or does it take more than that to be a ‘real fan’? Did a middle school student write this? If you're pretty fond of something, there you go, you're a fan. Sure, some are more intense, but that doesn't make the more casual ones not "real."
What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? Idk, I don't pay attention.
If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? Christ, without.
If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? HA. No. It is RARE I'll find a cute one, and that's always only online. Make pretty ones for plus-sized women a normal find, jfc. Idk why, but I am very picky with bras. Like good fucking luck seeing me without a shirt, so like,,,, why do I bother?????
What length do you like your shorts to be? UM you will NOT see me in SHORTS.
Have you ever cut off jeans or other pants and made them into shorts? Perhaps Mom has when I was a kid? But I have no memory of this ever happening.
Have you cut the sleeves out of T-shirts to make tank tops? I don't think so.
Have you ever modified a piece of clothing and hated how it turned out? ^
What was the last disappointing movie you saw? Ah jeez, what's the last time I even watched one. Idk.
What was the last disappointing book you read? And I haven't read a book in even longer.
Is there anything you’re really excited about? JOB. OPPORTUNITIES.
Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Vines, like shit dude. I can go on massive binges.
What was the last thing you rolled your eyes about? I don't recall.
What would you consider the greatest song ever recorded? Why? Yeesh, that's a big thing to decide. I recently discovered "A Reason to Fight" by Disturbed though, and it is. Incredible. Just read the lyrics to refresh my mind, and yeah, goosebumps.
Do you like Hellboy? If so, do you prefer the old movies or the new one? Never seen any.
Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Dory, probably. But man, there's too many to choose from.
Last thing you purchased just for fun? *shrugs*
Do you even like behind-the-scenes stuff or does it ruin the magic for you? IF I'm real into the product, I love that stuff!! I've seen like every little BTS Silent Hill thing there is, probably, multiple hours' worth.
What is your favorite thing about Mac computers? They're small and lightweight.
What is your favorite thing about PCs? They generally hold much more memory.
What are some errands you need to run soon? I don't have "errands" yet.
Have your parents ever tried to convince people there was something wrong with you, when their “diagnosis” wasn’t accurate? No.
List 3 of your best memories, times you wish you could go back and repeat. In no order, just as they come to me: 1.) First hug with Sara when we met at the airport; 2.) THE LOOK ON SARA'S FACE when she saw me in her room on her birthday (probably fave memory of all time, actually); 3.) seeing meerkats for the first time at the zoo. Ohhhh or maybe the true realization I was happy without Jason. But idk, that was SUCH a gradual process where I didn't feel ecstasy in like one moment.
What color was your high school graduation gown? Ew, it was this obnoxious red. The majority apparently voted for it, while I was on the navy team.
Are your parents’ dreams for your life different than your own? Mom's pretty dead-set on me being a vet, but she doesn't try to push me into it or anything. I know she just wants happiness for me. I haven't got a clue about Dad.
Have your dreams for your life changed? Of course.
What are your dreams now? HAPPY, stable job that I thoroughly enjoy, well-off financially (I don't aim to be rich, just "safe," you could say), healthy marriage, own my own home, travel to a few places, did y'all think I was gonna forget "meet Mark???"... stuff like that.
What was your dream as a child? It changed plenty of times, but my earliest goal was to be a paleontologist.
Do you feel safe in your country? Sure, I guess. Safer than most places.
If applicable, do you feel safe at your school? N/A
Would you ever want to learn sign language? It'd be cool, sure, but it's not something I'm interested in pursuing.
How many meals do you eat a day? 2-3. Sometimes just one "real" meal.
Do you own any succulents? No.
What color are your walls? A hideous puke green. Why.
What color were the walls in the bedroom you grew up in? I don't remember at all.
What was the last song you listened to on repeat? "Love Falls" by HELLYEAH.
What is your favorite style (or styles) of dance? Modern.
Have you ever performed a solo dance in front of a crowd? No.
Have you ever sung a solo? No.
Which insects are you afraid of? Most, really.
Do you think it’s silly to be afraid of an insect, when it’s so tiny? It depends on the insect, of course. Even if I do know what it is and it's "safe," I'll still typically freak if it surprises me.
When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? Hmmm. Sara, I believe?
What are you waiting for? Jesus FUCKING Christ on a bike a job.
What do you usually feel like doing the most at home? Stuff on the laptop.
What grade were you in when you had your first crush? I don't remember... For "puppy dog love," I believe maybe the 4th grade, but I may be wrong. I'd say my first *real* crush was on a guy named Sebastian in my freshman year of high school. Shit man, did a lot go down my freshman year. I'm just reminiscing and crushes jumped between like five dudes 'til Jason won.
At what age did you start experiencing sexual attraction, if any? Some time in middle school, I think? Like that's when I had my first bisexuality crisis: 6th or 7th grade.
Have you ever split open a rock with a hammer, to see the glitter inside? No, but FUCK I WANNA.
What type of tree do you see the most of where you live? There's a pine tree outside my window. Oh, and there's a pine tree in my back yard. Oh, what's that across the road? Woods of pine trees. Where do all birds in NC live? In pine trees. What does our air smell like? Pine trees.
Where is your favorite place you’ve lived? My previous home as far as location; house itself, where I am now. It's got its issues, but it's cozy and a perfect size for just two people.
What states have you lived in? Just 'ole North Carolina. Take me awaaaaaaaaaaaay-
Do you wish you were someone else? Sometimes.
What is your favorite thing about the month in which it is now? Literally just flowers. That's it. It. Everything else can suck a legion of dicks.
Who were your best friends in high school? Hannia, Girt, Jason (if he counts), Alon, Maria... I had a few "best" ones.
^Are they still your best friends now? Girt is my closest thing to a "best friend" if you don't include my girlfriend.
Do you live near the mountains? No, they're on the opposite end of the state. ;___;
Do you live near a beach? We're like, two-ish hours away.
What is your favorite beach that you’ve been to? Idk and idc, beaches aren't my thing.
Do you collect seashells? Not seriously, but I'll keep a cool one if I find one.
If you were to start a new collection, what would it be? If I was not ashamed of looking like a 23-y/o pre-teen in love with Just Bieber, I'd have more Markiplier merch than you'd fucking believe. (One of my biggest regrets in life was not buying the tasteful nudes calendar; I will eternally smite myself for being too embarrassed to have to explain why I would have that hanging above my bed rip.)
If you had to pick one year and describe it as the best year of your life that you want to relive again, which year would it be? 2017 was fuckin litty titty.
Is your world view the same as your parents’? In some ways with Mom, and I do know Dad and I differ on a few things. Well, if I learned more about his more political beliefs, I feel I'd probably disagree with most.
What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black.
Are you the person you thought you’d be when you were younger? No.
Are you a confrontational person, or the peacekeeper? I'm a massive peacekeeper. I avoid confrontation like the PLAGUE.
Do you like to read? Not nearly as much as I used to. Like all I ever read nowadays are RP posts as I obviously have to reply to them, but if they're long, it is common I procrastinate on reading it... ;_;
Do you sleep too much or not enough? Probably too much, especially when I go to bed early. Although, I do wake up throughout the night and sometimes officially pretty early. Then some days I have a 1-2 hour nap, so that just adds to it.
Who is your best friend? Sara. <3
How did you two meet? YouTube.
How did you meet your current bf/gf? ^
How far away is your closest family member? Well I live with my mom, but she's at work atm.
The last time you did something with BOTH of your parents was? BOY OH FUCKING BOY. My mom's the most bitter witch towards him, so even for family events, Dad usually only stops by to avoid creating a goddamn wreck, such as at birthday dinners. I think the last time they were in the same house was for my nephew's birthday half a year ago, I believe.
What’s your favorite holiday? Halloween!!! Now that I have a niece and nephew who grasp the concept of Santa, Christmas is also really special to me. I don't want kids, but watching those sweethearts get so excited over their presents is magical. For me personally, the holiday has grown more and more about celebrating family, especially as we continue to branch out/go our own ways. So I guess I like the idea of Halloween better and would enjoy it more if I actually had something to do, but as far as joy goes, Christmas.
Do you like pumpkin pie? I hate anything and everything pumpkin-flavored.
The last time you went to the doctor, what were you there for? It was the see my psychiatrist.
Do you take any medication regularly? Yeah.
Is there any particular view you have on insane people? I see "insane" versus "sane" as far more of a gradient shift instead of a direct split; there're levels. I actually do legitimately think I at some juncture in the aftermath of the breakup qualified as slightly insane, yet I wasn't dangerous or entirely out of touch with reality. So if you tell me someone's actually insane, I'm going to fear them being the explosive, entirely unpredictable and loopy kind, but I know the person may be calm and somewhat stable on the outside, too. You gotta consider the severity.
Do you believe in any conspiracies? 9/11 was orchestrated by the government and you cannot change my mind. I'm not totally sold on this one and lean more towards "nah" (I think), but the "we live in a simulation by a future civilization" is not that far-fetched at all if you actually look into it. It's very interesting, whether or not you're sold on it. Hell, Neil deGrasse Tyson firmly believes in it.
Out of your friends, who is the funniest? Girt makes me laugh at the snap of his fingers, it seems.
Anything you need to get rid of? I'm sure somewhere...
Do you have any wasted talents? Animal knowledge and compassion, probably... I know I could make a fantastic rehabilitator for animals, among a plethora of other animal-related preservation and protection actions I could actively engage in. Well, I'm going back to school for zoology, but even now, I want to do more. There is a wildlife rehab place I may be able to volunteer at soon, tho! Mom's talking to a guy at work about me helping there. DAMN, livin a dream.
Do you let the little things get to you? The issue could be as small as a single cell and it could still bother me.
How often do you cry? Maybe once in a week, possibly longer. I don't know if you mean like really cry or just tear up/lightly cry. The latter is pretty common, but the other, not so much. Even if I want to cry, my jaw just entirely locks the hell up and I physically can't get it out.
Is there anything you’re trying to prevent? I mean besides the common sense things everyone takes action to avoid, hm. I feel like there's so much, yet nothing is coming to me? Well, actually, it's usually a daily struggle to prevent at least one OCD cycle.
When was the last time you were told you were cute? *shrug*
When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life? It's been quite a while... At least over a year ago, when I began to get antsy with wanting a job and later going back to school. It just all started when I realized I was healed from the breakup and ready to move forward in life, but I wasn't.
Do you miss the way things used to be between you and someone else? Multiple people.
What colors has your hair been? Dirty blonde, brown, red, and purple. I've had red and purple highlights, and I naturally have blondish ones, too. I'm ready to dye it again, jfc. Most attempts are failures because my hair does NOT take color well whatsoever. It's only ever worked perfectly with the brand Splat, and my hair soaked in the dye for a LONG time before washing it out.
Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No.
Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? We share interest in plenty of the same bands, Mom especially.
Is there any food in your bedroom? What? No.
Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? MY LITTLE SISTER. Haven't seen the woman in three years, but I can promise you Jason's mom still has it to a legendary degree.
How expensive is too expensive for a pair of shoes? I haven't looked for shoes in so long that I don't even know the average price.
What kinds of cereal are in the cupboard? Honey Nut Cheerios, normal Cheerios I think, and we have a little bit of the chocolate chunk Special K cereal left over. It's got to be stale by now (it's not even closed fully); I need to remember to toss it.
What’s the last thing you spent over $10 on? Ummm I'm not sure.
Over $30? I think my tongue piercing was $40? Maybe even lower? Or slightly higher?? I don't remember.
Do you know who lives three houses down from you? I think so. The one time I was locked out of my house in the snow with Teddy and I waited like a fucking hour until I broke down, absolutely freezing (I was in my pajamas, dude), and walked down the road to try and get help (I needed to call my mom, obviously, and I didn't have my phone), I believe it was the third neighbor who answered. Turned out being a retired deputy who was super intimidating yet kind at the same time; he let Teddy and me stay in his house (mind you, Teddy is incontinent and didn't have his diaper on, which I warned him about) while Mom was on her way home. He gave me a jacket and some water, even when I said I was fine, but you could tell he wasn't totally sure about trusting this random, sobbing girl at his door because he asked me a thousand questions about my story and quizzed if I really did live in this area. Obviously a good cop, but after a day like that, I was just terrified of an old man who appeared a bit gruff. But thankfully Mom got there to save the day and I am forever grateful for that guy. WOW what a story for a simple question.
Is there a bulletin board in your room? No.
Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? "Health freak" seems a bit extreme for both of them, but Mom is more concerned about health in general.
Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No.
What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We just have tortilla chips, I think. I try to keep snacks out of the house to avoid temptation, and who eats plain tortilla chips.
Do you have your mom's or dad's hair? Mom's.
What’s the first thing you see when you walk into your bedroom? Most would probably notice my Nightmare Before Christmas poster first, being as big as it is and on the wall opposite the entrance.
Do you prefer the truth, even if it’s harsh? YES. I NEED to know this kinda stuff, even if the truth is really hard to hear.
Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I don't think so.
Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? I think I did when my very first band teacher did. EVERYONE loved him. Like, the entire school.
Does your kitchen look like it was designed in a completely different decade? No?
When’s the last time you wore heels? Great question. Probably not since my sister's wedding in '16.
Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? My grampa's on Mom's side.
What’s the best date movie? Probably a rom com?
Have your parents ever been out of the country? No.
How many pairs of jeans, all together, are in your house? Zero.
Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I'll swear under my breath or seethe in frustration, but I never yell.
Is there any alcohol in the fridge? No.
Has a best friend ever ditched you for a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. Whenever she starts dating a guy, she dips, and whenever/if ever we talk, she rambles absolutely endlessly about him.
Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't possibly care less about how your eyebrows look.
Do your pets chase after bugs? Roman and Bentley sure do. Bentley is a Professional Fly Moncher, specifically.
When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Uhhh good question. Probs the night before Sara got here for my b-day.
What is your mom’s favorite movie? Hm, good question! I'd ask her, but I don't want her to ask me why I am lmao.
What TV family reminds you of your own family? Probably none.
Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies? No. I don't remember what I thought, but I know it wasn't that.
Do you have any relatives who really spoil you? No, I think? Well Dad gives my sisters and me way too much money for Christmas and always tells us to ask him if we need anything, but I pretty much never ask him for said things, so I don't know the extent he'd go.
Are there any drawers in your house that are just filled with junk? Pretty much.
Is the last person you spoke to in love? That's my mom, so I doubt that with all I know.
Do you know anyone who has security cameras in their house? I don't believe so.
What was the last movie to make you cry? I think the last was Coco. Moana may have made me tear up, but I can't remember...
Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? Not to my memory.
What time do you usually go to sleep at sleepovers, if ever? I haven't been to a sleepover in God knows how long.
Who was the main character in the last book you read? Alice Liddell.
Who are the last people you saw kiss? Via YouTube, Jeffree and his boyfriend. Irl, I don't know.
Have you ever posted a fan fiction on a website? No.
Do you ever fantasize about your future wedding? Who’s the bride/groom? Not very much. Like I've had brief daydreams about it, sure, but it's not something that's on my mind a lot. Still got a long time before that happens.
What was the last unpleasant thing to wake you up? My cat not knowing how to keep his mouth shut.
Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Well, it depends; stars if we're in a completely isolated area where you can see them crystal clear or the clouds are boring, but otherwise, clouds if their design and colors are cool.
Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon? No.
Do you ever wonder what the opposite sex do at sleepovers? No.
When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? My mom, no questions asked.
When’s the last time you broke plans? Why? I wasn't feeling well. I was supposed to see my VR coach that day.
Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? Yes, my sister's. I was a bridesmaid. It was an absolutely awful experience because I was hot as fuck, it was triggering as HELL with me still grieving Jason, and I felt positively hideous in a dress when I was at such a horrible weight. I wish so dearly I could redo that day; I fell like I put a serious damper on my sister's big day.
Would you feel safer with an alarm system or security cameras? Hm, depends on the scenario... I guess an alarm system? Like security cameras will show a murderer climbing through my window, but they're not gonna wake me up to save my ass.
Does it matter to you what kind of shampoo you use? So long it smells nice, isn't watery, and doesn't only add oil to my hair, I don't care much.
Has a stray dog ever tried to bite you? No.
When riding a bus, do you prefer to sit in front, in the back, or in the middle? Hm... idk. When I took the bus home with Jason, we always sat in the back, and that's really the only time I took a bus regularly. I think otherwise, I'd prefer the middle, closer to the front? I think I usually did that on occasions like band competitions and such.
Have you ever been on a cross-country train ride? No.
Are you normally a person to tell people off? No, that's rare.
Is there any TV show that ended that you wish hadn’t? Meerkat Manor. Though I would hope they'd lessen down on the false story-telling. Stick to the true KMP events.
When you feel stressed, do you take things out on the wrong people? Sometimes.
Do you even wear any jeans other than skinny anymore? I don't wear jeans period.
What did you talk about at lunch today with your friends? N/A
Are you sensitive to caffeine? Definitely not. My system's too used to it, probably.
How do you usually get around? Mom drives me. I'm 23. :^)
Which languages do you wish you could speak fluently in? German.
Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? SURPRISINGLY no, at least to my memory.
Do you like Vitamin Water? Never tried, don't want to.
What was the last thing you took a picture of? Dad and me on his birthday.
Do you know anyone that uses Sprint as their phone carrier? Idk. Well, I think.
When you go to McDonalds, what drink do you usually get? Coke.
Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither.
Would you rather read or write? Write.
When was the last time someone took a picture of you? Sometime during Bobby's visit literally days ago. I already forgot who took it... and who else was in it lmao.
Do you own a pair of slippers? Yeah, two. A meerkat pair and then a far less extra pair that're closer to socks. I think they have cats on them? I got them for Christmas I think and haven't worn or seen them much.
Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? Not a fan of either, but Carrie Underwood is more tolerable and even has a couple songs I enjoy.
Name something negative that you hate about yourself: I'll jump to a conclusion within .02 seconds of something negative happening. Or not even "negative" or something that's purely in my head.
Is your house currently hot, cold or just right? The house itself is fine, and my room is just right because I have my fan on.
Is there a Dead End road near where you live? I can't think of one off the top of my head, but it's likely, really. There's lots of those here.
Growing up, did you see your cousins often? No. We live many states away on both parents' sides.
Where was your first job at? GameStop.
Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot? (Celebrities) It's been like two days and I'm over seeing the James Charles/Tati drama everywhere. You can't be interested in the YouTube community without being drowned in that shit right now somehow someway on any YT-coverage page and YouTube itself.
Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? I personally haven't.
Would you date someone who’s shorter than you? I very openly and severely judge you if fucking height means that much to you.
Do you mind being the third wheel? Not really, no. I'd only feel uncomfortable if they were getting pretty intimate.
Has a kiss ever made you weak in the knees? Um I didn't know that was actually a thing so no.
Do you feel comfortable buying condoms? Never been in that position.
Have you ever dated two people at once? No.
Have you ever been tested for STDs? No. Well wait, that time I gave blood I probably was just out of safety protocol.
Have you ever run into your ex with his/her new sweetie? No.
Have you ever felt guilty after doing something sexual? When I was in that "wait does this break the abstinence rule" phase, yeah. God was I technical.
Have you ever had a condom break during sex? N/A
Do your parents know if you’re having sex? Well considering I'm with a girl and she lives states away, that answer's obvious.
Do you eat chips or crackers more? Chips.
Would you rather be a singer or a dancer? A dancer.
Would you rather be a musician or a painter? A painter, maybe? If I could play the electric guitar, though... idk.
What social media sites do you visit the most? Facebook.
What did you hair look like in high school? Long, thick as fuck, brown (or dyed black) with some sort of highlight, and it was split to the left with the hair swooped over my right eye. Basically "I want the emo swoop but my hair is too fucking thick to obey hairspray." :^)
Which dollar store do you shop at? Depends on what's closest, usually. We rarely ever stop at one unless it's for candy to bring into the movie theater, seriously lol. I think usually Dollar General?
Do you prefer candy corn or conversation hearts? WE DON'T KNOW EITHER.
Skeletons or scarecrows? s k e l l y b o y s
Has anyone ever given you the silent treatment? Yep.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth? I learned on that day I hate giving blowjobs.
Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No, thankfully.
(If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you ‘shortie’ instead of girl? BOY I would fucking cackle. I hate that word. No.
Do you ever watch The Simpsons? No.
Have you ever sent an embarrassing moment of yours into a mag to be printed? OH MY GOD I remember that!!! But no.
What IS your most embarrassing moment? Too lazy to go through the novel of 'em to pick the worst.
Do you think you’re more cute or sexy? You assume I find myself either.
Do you own any mini skirts? I don't own any skirts period.
Do you draw little hearts and stuff with eyeliner next to your eyes? No.
What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever lost? Idk.
Has your mom ever lied to you? I'm sure she has before.
Do you have a deep voice? For a girl, yeah.
When’s the last time someone made breakfast for you? *shrugs* Exclusively for me, probably never.
Do you do something new with your hair practically every day? No, it's the same everyday.
When someone knocks on the door, who do you think it is? Delivery guy.
Has anyone ever licked your foot? Ew no.
Do you play games with boys/girls, like ‘hard to get’? I'm not 15.
Has a guy ever quoted a romantic Shakespeare line to you? No, and I'm glad, as I'd cringe into another realm.
Is there a Sonic where you live? Yes, I LIVE-
Do you smile with your teeth? Usually. I look less high, at least.
What did you eat for lunch today? A pb&j.
What do you like on your pizza? Pepperoni, jalapenos, or meat lovers.
What is in the back seat of your car right now? I don't own a personal car. Mom has a a load of stuff in the back of hers, at least I think... That's super rare, but she's been so ungodly busy idk if she's had time to clean it out. I haven't paid attention so can't recall.
What was the last thing you threw up? Idr.
Menthol or regular cigarettes? I don't smoke and never have, so idk.
What is your favorite episode of Friends? I don't watch it, and I haven't seen many episodes at all if for whatever reason I was in a room and it was on.
Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No.
Have you been to a strip club? No.
What’s the last sporting event you watched? Hell if I remember. It had to either be my 16th birthday when Jason's family was all together watching the Super Bowl, or a hockey game with my dad.
Last person’s house you were in? Besides my own, my sister's.
Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? Nicole.
Ever go to camp? No.
Were you an honor roll student in school? Yeah.
Do you have a tan? HA no.
How old do you want to be when you have kids? I don't want kids.
Are you someone’s best friend? Yeah.
Favorite gemstone? Dragon's breath opal.
Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru, almost always.
Does your first memory involve your dad? No.
When was the last time you went swimming? Last summer at the beach. Holy fuck the water was so perfect.
Has your luggage ever gotten lost? No.
Have you ever thought it would be cool to smash a guitar? No. Like... just why.
Do you ever get flu shots? No.
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watching jojo's bizarre adventure anime adaptation and seeing how much the anime team fixed araki (the mangaka)'s bad writing makes me rlly wish that if berserk gets a proper anime adaptation whoever does it will do the same with miura's writing (and some of his art too tbh). like for example for all their faults the berserk movies did improve casca's character. what are your wants for a potential full berserk anime adaptation? (also let's hope that this is the year we finally get one 🤞)
I never finished JJBA or watched the anime so idk, but I’m curious how much they changed. Like were there big changes to the plot, or was it mostly just little minor changes to smooth over some flaws?
ty for asking, and I apologize in advance for how long this got lol.
tbh I think my ideal, if not realistic, Berserk adaptation is one that just goes ‘fuck it’ and throws out most of the story lol. Starts with Black Swordsman, ends with Femto lowering his hand and letting Guts escape - well more specifically, on this panel:
Like that is a perfect final shot imho.
(Also I might mirror it with the opening shot. Like I wouldn’t open on Guts fucking an apostle lmao, I don’t actually dislike that opening but it doesn’t fit this theoretical adaption. So how about we open on a long shot of Black Swordsman Guts surrounded by the ghosts he’s fighting, that mimics this?)
Ooh I might also… I might stick the Lost Children arc in between Snake Man and Count Slug. Ugggh there are some logistical issues to untangle there, but I really, really want Jill/Rosine Guts/Griffith parallels, and I want ghosts taunting Guts about becoming a monster like his friend. Subtlety is for cowards. Oh except we wouldn’t’ve seen Femto yet so that wouldn’t work. Well, “like him” then instead of “like your friend.” There now it’s foreshadowing 2 ways.
the climax of the story is the moment of sacrifice because there’s no Eclipse rape, Casca dies shortly after Judeau, and Guts’ horror at being sacrificed by Griffith is the emotional low point. Potentially no gtsca either if I can figure out a way to incorporate Guts’ stupid dream speech somewhere else. Maybe it can be a flashback during the Wyald fight, which I’d keep incidentally, sans attempted rape, w/ Guts talking to Erica. Actually yeah that would be perfect and immediately tie Guts’ “dream” of fighting stronger and stronger enemies with fighting monsters lol, meaning I could bypass Guts’ post Eclipse war declaration that draws that comparison more explicitly.
Boom, Berserk is now a nice little self-contained tragic story about two dudes each becoming solitary monsters because they abandoned each other for abstract dreams, and threw aside the potential for true emotional healing (relationships) for shallow coping mechanisms (swords/dreams). Uhhh, also Puck is cut. Sorry Puck, ilu but you’re a ray of hope that ruins the vibe here.
And finally since this is my ideal adaptation, the subtext between Guts and Griffith is text. They don’t actually fuck or kiss, because that would avert the Eclipse, but… hm how do you make it clear that they want to fuck but are too repressed to do it and that’s what ruins everything? Okay well Griffith’s torture chamber monologue includes “love” a la the anime dub, and maybe “desire” or “need” to completely remove that ambiguity desperately maintained in the minds of straight people. And Guts… I don’t know that I can go textual lol. The only point in the story he can possibly recognize his own feelings is chapter 71.
Ooh I got it. Just include “at that time he shone before me as something beautiful, noble, and larger than life” after the Count’s backstory lmao. Do you really need more? Well, maybe “he shone before me as something larger than life - noble, and… beautiful.” Or just cut to the chase completely: “At that time, he shone before me as something beautiful, noble, and larger-than-life. I loved him.”
OKAY all that said I feel like this wasn’t really what you’re asking lol since you mentioned a complete adaption. So okay assuming there are no huge major changes to the content or structure of the story, here’s a (stupidly long, like only read this if you for some reason enjoy seeing me ramble for days about minute details lmao) list of some more minor things I’d want to change:
I’d start with the Black Swordsman arc and continue as the manga goes. Yes, in this one Guts still fucks an apostle. This is right before the credits, and it’s depicted as badass and cool. In fact, I might actually split the scene with the credits - start the opening sequence right after Guts blows her up, and resume on this shot with more of a sombre tone:
Like okay that would be pretty cheesy lol, but this is the Black Swordsman arc. It’s supposed to be a little campy, and really unsubtle, and this seems like a fun way of highlighting this little tonal shift.
Relatedly, I would not acknowledge the fact that most people watching already know where it’s going. I would maintain the integrity of the first arc in starting off with Guts as an apparent cool badass and then tearing that down, as well as keeping Griffith’s identity and Guts’ motivation a mystery in theory, and making the Count’s backstory the climax of this arc in a revelatory sense, rather than in an action sense.
To get more general, no fanservice for straight dudes. no one’s tits are randomly out, and when they are they’re drawn realistically and subject to the laws of gravity. casca’s clothes don’t get torn all the time, rosine’s got full moth fuzz coverage, farnese is wearing a shirt when guts takes her hostage and if we need self-flagellation (and tbh I wouldn’t necessarily cut it) it can be in a flashback, etc. Oh except Slan I guess. Her whole character is fanservice so w/e I’ll allow it.
not every woman is in love with and solely motivated by a dude. skip the queen’s completely unnecessary reveal that she was in love with julius, skip casca’s “I lived my life with the intent of sacrificing myself on my unrequited feelings for griffith” bullshit, skip sonia’s crush on neogriffith, skip tf out of schierke’s crush on guts, skip the random period of incest-y bdsm-y vibes in Farnese and Serpico’s backstory that adds nothing lol, skip the suggestions that Farnese is jealous of Casca’s history with Guts, etc
also most sexual assault scenes are cut. Casca is running for her life during the 100 man fight, not from attempted rapists. Wyald does not assault Casca, Farnese is not almost raped by a fucking horse, we chill out a bit on the sexual torture in every bg scene during the conviction arc jfc, Casca’s multiple assaults during that arc are cut, troll rape is cut, you get the point.
I’ll keep Adon’s shitty threats tho bc i feel like some violent misogyny is necessary if i’m not changing everything, but I’d completely lose the comic relief vibe he gets and make Casca’s fight with him properly epic and satisfying. The movie did this a bit better imo, but I’d really remove Adon’s whole boastful loser schtick. That might disappoint some fans, but idc Casca deserves to kill someone who is actually kind of a badass.
There’s a lot of bullshit around gtsca that I’m torn between wanting to cut, and instead wanting to just depict very negatively. Like would it be better if instead of Casca shyly asking Guts how she looks in a dress she just complained about the dress being uncomfortable, ie we completely cut that burgeoning “soft side” bs?
Or would it be better if she still asked him how she looks, then we call back to that moment when she gets awkward about her scars before sex, we keep Judeau musing on how she’s showing a soft side, we call back to that when he tells Guts to save her from leadership, we tie it all together when Guts asks Casca to leave with him, and bring it home by making it abundantly clear that Casca moving from being Griffith’s sword to Guts’ sword is not a positive change.
Like highlight everything negative about it - Guts being a huge dick, the ominous undertone when he invites her along (like cue the creepy cello music when they kiss right before we shift to monsters and behelits lol), all the parallels between him and Griffith wrt their dreams, Guts telling Casca to fuck off while he fights Wyald, maybe even add a moment where Casca actually reflects on how she’s left out of all the dream/equals bullshit and what that says about their priorities and how they see her. Might be a nice lead up to her telling Guts to leave to pursue his dream and be Griffith’s equal.
also maybe show that judeau is wrong about casca being better off away from the hawks? ugh there’s so much that would have to be reworked with her narrative. like if she still has to attempt suicide, again can we ditch the lead up about how it’s because she has an unrequited crush on griffith and just keep it about the fact that she hasn’t slept in a week and she’s on the run and her hawks keep dying and griffith is being tortured and she just stabbed guts and she’s had a very difficult year?
and like, maybe she leapt to accept Guts’ ‘come with me’ offer because she’s exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed, but are you kidding me? While Guts gets an entire narrative arc about abandoning his found family, Casca doesn’t even think about it for a moment before agreeing to ditch them? Can we maybe have some indication about how she feels about the Hawks as a family, maybe some reflection about why she would choose to leave, maybe some second thoughts about it after the Wyald fight when it becomes abundantly clear what her role would be while Guts pursues his dream, like god she’s such a pawn of the narrative, I hate it. Give her some real reasons for doing stuff!
ANYWAY moving on
like the movie, I’d give charlotte more agency in the sex scene w/ griffith, I liked her asking him to stay and moving his hand to her tit herself. I probably would not actually make griffith so out of it though - i enjoyed that in the movie but I don’t necessarily consider it in-character. The way he went from literally crying in the rain to smiling and making charming jokes as soon as Charlotte opened the window in the manga honestly makes perfect sense to me lol. Just uh, make Charlotte into it from the start because there’s zero reason for her not to be other than bad misogynistic cliches?
Also I feel like there’s a balance to be struck between depicting het sex as dude sticks his dick in, woman somehow has a good time a la the manga vs making guts and griffith competent at foreplay and oral a la the movies lol. Like maybe depict the sex scenes as the bad sex they are but Charlotte still feels closer to Griffith afterwards despite not coming from a dude fucking her while thinking about another dude and like, just keep Casca telling Guts he was obviously a virgin afterwards lol.
I guess we’re stuck with the Eclipse rape, but it happens mostly off screen and in close, telling but non-explicit details, like yk, big clawed hand holding a wrist, Casca’s eyes squeezed shut, Femto’s hand on the small of her back (I’m thinking a reversed call back to the wagon scene w/ that to suggest Femto’s motivation being a show of power tbqh). Some would be from Casca’s pov, with maybe one brief moment from Guts’ pov as he loses an eye or something. Keep the movie’s visual reference to Griffith saving her. No pornographic angles. No apostle rape prelude to it. Casca doesn’t have an orgasm. Femto doesn’t stare at Guts. It’s not about Guts at all for either of them, it’s about Femto taking Griffith’s fucked up relationship to sex and expressing it monstrously, and it’s about Casca being betrayed and symbolically negating the agency she fought for since Griffith threw her a sword. Guts’ reaction is horror and fear, not manly heroic outrage. He might still rip off his arm to attack Femto, but that would be because that’s always his reaction to whatever scares him, not for Casca’s sake. Might have to contextualize that with flashbacks to his childhood, or at the very least strong visual parallels to both his childhood and the Zodd + Wyald fights.
I want to cut the fetus, replace it with like a cronenburg-y fucked up dog-like demon in the Black Swordsman arc - not as a literal version of the Beast of Darkness, but just as a metaphor for how Guts’ inner darkness is twisting him into a pathetic asshole lol. But tbh cutting the fetus is a logistical nightmare because Casca needs magic protection during the Conviction arc. So idk. But NGriff doesn’t need it, and his narrative would be more engaging without that scapegoat. Fuck emotional ambiguity, I just want to drop the news that NGriff has feelings, and then not change anything else about his narrative. The themes of isolation and loneliness threaded throughout would just shine through lol it would be great.
I would emphasize the shit out of the Beast of Darkness/Femto parallels. Yeah Guts would still assault Casca in my adaption too. If the Eclipse rape happens, that has to happen because the point is that Guts’ inner darkness is the same. But like, I’d cut the page where beast of darkness guts bites her head off while raping her. Also I’d keep the visual parallel to the Eclipse rape (the v similarly depicted kisses) and add another from Casca’s point of view, or have her flashback then instead of just staying in Guts’ head.
as for the fallout, I’d give Guts a proper scene where he sees himself as a monster, like damn he got more of a self-reflective and telling reaction that time he accidentally killed a random kid, we should get something when he sexually assaults Casca. but overall I’d focus way more on Casca being afraid of him now rather than his mopey guilt. I would also… I mean god this should be addressed in the fact that Guts fucking wears the Berserk armour all the time lol. Like one second he’s all, “omg Flora can put a magic seal on my brand that’ll depower my magical evil jiminy cricket wolf and hopefully prevent me from raping and murdering Casca, that’s great!” and the next second he’s all, “omg magic armour I can wear that will enable me to kill everything with the side effect of superpowering my inner evil wolf and turning on my companions? sign me the fuck up I’m sure nothing bad could possibly happen with that.”
Like what I’m saying is I’d either make Guts a lot more reluctant to use the armour and take Skull Knight’s warnings seriously and genuinely reflect on the fact that mysterious magical children have to prevent him from murdering his friends over and over again, or I’d draw attention to this idiocy and fully commit to Guts as a dumbass hypocrite blithely walking down the path to more tragedy of his own making. and probably the latter based on where the story is likely to be headed lol.
in the lost children arc, I’d give Rosine’s mother more of a role as a good parent who Rosine has a loving relationship with, who tried and failed to stop her father’s abuse or something, because honestly I love the Peekaf story and I find Rosine’s regret at the end as she tries to fly home v powerful, but I hate the idea that she regrets sacrificing her abusive father so maybe this way I can split the difference.
and Jill’s ending where she goes home to endure abuse would be depicted much more darkly.
like straight up I’d depict Jill flying with Rosine as a truly beautiful moment, I would show that Jill has the potential to fulfill Rosine in a way her neverland kidnapping bullshit can’t and that yes, if Jill stayed with Rosine everything might actually work out and with Jill’s influence the whole land of the elves thing could be reworked into less of a nightmare and more of a haven lol. And Guts would absolutely be depicted as fully monstrous in comparison, ruining both these kids’ lives. Like, no ambiguity, no suggestion that Jill learned an important lesson about living with abuse lmao, no implication that Rosine brought her tragic end on herself by not being a good enough child abuse victim, just Guts sowing tragedy wherever he goes.
I have no idea how to deal with the conviction arc in general lol, specifically the ultra cynical tone the actual narrative seems to take. Like, the Black Swordsman arc was idealistic compared to the Conviction arc, they clash badly imo. Extremely badly. Like it’s a giant mess. It’s like
Black Swordsman Guts: fuck everyone who dies because they weren’t strong enough to deal with my existence. *turns and wipes away a tear* *lets a zombie kid stab him* *evokes pity from puck*Conviction Guts: fuck everyone who dies because they weren’t strong enough to deal with my existence. *poses with his sword in one hand and the rescued love interest in the other* *the crowd cheers* *luca nods sagely*
yk it’s just… awkward. It’s hard to mitigate through like, film choices yk, because a lot of it is due to the circumstances. Guts telling Puck innocent people are just ants under his feet is much different than Guts refusing to let the big bad kill Casca by telling him that tens of thousands of people can and should die because they pray too much lmao, no matter what music plays in the background. Guts’ attitude is the same, the narrative’s attitude is contradictory.
Maybe I could make Guts less of a dick and cut a lot of those cynical moments? Not really call attention to the fact that Guts is effectively sacrificing tens of thousands of refugees for Casca, or more accurately, for his own desire to feel like a hero since he isn’t even the one who saves Casca, he got distracted trying to fight the fake Godhand.
Or lol maybe I’ll just have Isidro point that out in like, a smug way. Maybe I’ll have NeoGriffith personally thank him for his contribution to his resurrection. I mean I really want to call this questionable shit into question, yk? Not to declare Guts wrong for wanting to save Casca, but to declare his cavalier idgaf attitude a big problem that has consequences. Which would actually tie in nicely with emphasizing Guts’ dumbassery in brushing off Skull Knight’s warnings about the armour and insisting it’s nbd. lol I really hope this is what Miura’s going for, just more subtlely.
Actually I wonder if I could get away with cutting Isidro out entirely. Anyone could’ve saved Casca there.
Oh I’d cut the hell out of a lot of Guts’ fight scenes in the MF arc, and if I could possibly get away with it I’d cut out everything on the beach after Skull Knight’s ominous warning. Like this might end up being the Griffith show for a while because Guts’ half is a fucking slog. And of course I’d cut the entire boat trip. They get on a boat, they get off a boat, the end.
Okay I need to stop somewhere. I’m ignoring a lot of later stuff because it’s so dependent on where the story’s going now that Casca is awake etc. Like eg the Moonlight Boy. Can I cut him? Give him a more ominous tone? Emphasize the saccharine tone he evokes for the sake of pulling the rug out from under the audience later? Will I be forced to make huge changes anyway because I can’t stand where the story ended up going? Idk it depends.
If I could tho I’d definitely cut Magnifico, Isidro, Ivalera, mermaid… like Farnese, Serpico, and Schierke are the only characters on Guts’ side who contribute to the story in a meaningful way. And without Isidro Puck could again too.
Oooh yk one thing that might be nice would be framing Farnese as the main protagonist of Guts’ half of the story during the MF arc. Just focus on her, show more stuff from her perspective, cut down a lot of fights but keep her digression back home, maybe give her some additional content that explores her character shift better, show her struggling more with her own inner darkness a bit when she first joins and give her some character beats as she slowly grows more comfortable with Casca, maybe put her backstory chapters in the first episode of a new season (a great season ender would be Guts walking away from the Hill of Swords js), etc.
lmao god I feel like I could keep going forever. sorry this is so meandering but ty for giving me the opportunity to go on and on about this. Is there anything you’d really like to change yourself?
#ask#a#b#Anonymous#anyway jsyk the part before the cut is kind of its own separate thing so if you click this and decide it's too long to read#there's always just the first part lol#theme: adaption#theme: critique#theme: opinion
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As requested, here’s a masterlist fic rec for the following categories 1) ASL brothers; 2) mugiwara nakama feels; 3) some shippy fics; and for those not really falling into any of the requested categories, I put in “others”. I took some liberty in the categorization whelp but hopefully this will do. And you didn’t ask for it but I put tiny notes on each rec’d fic bc I felt like it haha
If you wanna rec some fics that aren’t here, please, by all means, send them to me. If any of the link is wrong/broken, do tell me as well. If you want to rant/talk/squeal/cry/etc over any of the fics, I’m forever open to messages and let’s cry together.
aaand, if you haven’t been following fyeahonepiece, please do so (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
anything about the ASL BROTHERS
some might be toeing the line of shipping but i’ll put a warning for those
The Best Responsibility by echaryn
Summary: Watching Luffy and Sabo bond makes him...envious. Their obvious love and affection, the way they are always together, the trust between them... it makes Law anxious, and jealous at the same time. He lost his sister before...before he could even start to understand what being an older brother means. He's nobody's older sibling anymore, but it's still inside him, isn't it?
Notes: clicked on this not really expecting much but jfc oda please let this be canon i beg you like i didn’t know i needed bigbro!law until this
Brother Complex and How It Traumatizes Others by Alsheon
Summary: In which, Ace let nothing be in his way to boast about his dear baby brother. Not even in the middle of War. And not agreeing means death. A painful death. Or in another sense, Ace stopped running but for an entirely different reason.
Notes: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN’T CANON LMAO this is legit my all-time favorite
What Happens When You Assume by revolutionarykoala
Summary: The Straw Hats are overjoyed to finally meet Luffy’s elusive brother Sabo. When they finally lay eyes on him however, they realise that assumptions are best to be avoided when it comes to the D. Family.
Notes: in which asl confuses the shit out of everyone and yes it’s forever a mood and my aesthetic
Little Spitfire by VictoriaJL
Summary: My take on Ace raising Luffy with his caring and loving tendencies. Garp is an old geezer. Dadan throws tantrums. And the bandits are helpless, Oh, did I mention that the whitebeard pirates are completely and utterly in love with adorable little Luffy?
Notes: i live for ace and sabo’s adventures in raising baby luffy lmao
The Three Admirals by Miqila
Summary: What if Sabo, Ace and Luffy were the three admirals?
Notes: i need more marine!asl fics
Triple Switch by Pachimew
Summary: In which Luffy can't find his hat, Ace is on his brother's ship, and Sabo is very confused. -Kinda self-indulgent. No ships. Pre-Saobody.
Notes: swapped!asl loool another all-time favorite of mine
Through Time by xXDia-RoseXx
Summary: Ace and Sabo looking for Luffy wander into a cave and end up 12 years into the future. Through the craziness they meet their Little brother now 12 years older than them. What are two kids suppose to do when their Older-Little Brother looks at them sadly but smiles at them with glee? They try and make him happy again that's what!
Notes: *screams into the sun* ASL!!!!!!!!!!!
To be made into Adults by The Eternal Empress
Summary: "When will you let me to adult things, Ace?" you ask, eyes shining bright and ears still wet behind. I pat your head as I smile. "When you're old enough." But, I know that isn't going to happen because I'll never let you become an adult (In which Ace and Sabo's brotherly love is contorted to a degree of no return) BrotherlyASL. AU.
Notes: me, at the ending: oh shiiiiit i didn’t expect that???
Same Difference by Beyond Kailani
Summary: AU. One small change can make all the difference...Someone thought lost returns
Notes: the canon my asl babies deserved
The Legends of Kintaro (and Gintaro and Dotaro) by jamie15
Summary: It's Children's Day in the Kindgom of Goa, and neither Ace nor Sabo could care less. That is, until they find out what other day it is ...
Notes: *slams fist on the table* this was so damn cute!
Moby Dick’s Tales by FreeFan1412
Summary: an AU where ASL ends up in the moby dick
Notes: this one’s a series so just click on the author’s page and asl + whitebeard pirates is always a good laugh
(Wh)y is equal to 45 by The Eternal Empress
Summary: Ace is drunk, Sabo crashes into his room, their cat, Sunny, has been sitting by the doorway for days, and Luffy forgets the answer to (wh)y. (In which Luffy tries to find the value of y as well as the reason behind his brothers' and Sunny's mundane behavior, and the TV makes him remember the answer). Modern AU. Brotherly!ASL.
Notes: i don’t wanna spoil anything but i was shookt asdfghjkl this was so beautiful
Magical Messes and Panicking Professors: Welcome to Hogwarts by ScarletteSorceress
Summary: What do you do when you have three mischievous brothers sorted into three different houses? Well according to Headmaster Whitebeard and Professor Shanks you drink as much rum as you can before Marco can get to you. Magic spells, overturned cauldrons, and inter-house prank wars fueled by sibling rivalry; look out Hogwarts, life's about to get interesting. Hogwarts!AU
Notes: asl + harry potter yes two of my favorite things
Bonds of Sea and Fire by Mithril Lace
Summary: After the fire in Gray Terminal, a worried Luffy sneaks out to go looking for Ace, only to wind up captured by Bluejam and taken from the island. When Ace finds out Luffy's been kidnapped, he sets out to retrieve Sabo so they can go after him, and a chance encounter at sea drastically alters their plans.
Notes: my asl feels + them ending up with the whitebeard pirates
Not everyday is a good day, live anyway by cand13
Summary: Not everyone tells the truth, trust anyway. Not everyone will love you back, love anyway. Not every game will be fair, play anyway. How else could anyone survive what they have and still be that lively?
Notes: ASL growing up with Whitebeard story
Somewhere to Belong by Pizza yum
Summary: Garp and Whitebeard strike a deal and Luffy, Ace, and Sabo are sent to live with the Whitebeard Pirates for six months. The trio and crew alike do not know how to handle the situation but eventually they figure each other out and the brothers find somewhere they feel like they belong.
Notes: young!asl alive together is what i breathe for
Twist of Fate by Takuku
Summary: A One Piece AU where Luffy and his brothers set out after the fire in the Gray Terminal, and they come across Marco and Thatch of Whitebeard's crew. Things go differently from the original.
Notes: it’s not as if im saying im weak for young!asl with the whitebeard pirates..........but i am
Ten Years Make No Difference by YohoAruto
Summary: What if Luffy was instead ten years younger than Ace himself? But as anyone would know,a life with Luffy is much more crazier and troublesome than it should be. It's just that the 'soon to be pirate king' is much more cuter.
Notes: baby!luffy raised by ace and sabo YES also lmao at luffy’s first word
Come Morning, Together Again by mapplepie
Summary: One day, Ace woke up and decided shirts were overrated. Apparently it was contagious, because Luffy soon thought the same. Sabo just hoped he didn't catch whatever it was that was going around (but he does in the end, and he couldn't be happier). Time-travel.
Notes: sabo is fucking done and this is the fix-it we all need
Surprisingly Addictive by ReluctantlyBratty45
Summary: Just a story of Luffy being Luffy, but as a girl. Wacky adventures and awkward situations abound. fem!Luffy. Alive!Sabo.
Notes: all i can say is that luffy’s lucky to be a boy in canon bc imagine how more protective his brothers could have been
Start of a Joke by loosingletters
Summary: A pirate goes to Impel Down and shares his cell with a political bargain chip and a wannabe noble. What sounds like the start of a really bad joke has just become reality for Ace.
Notes: if asl never grew up together well there’s always impel down as a good meet-up point, i guess
Fix it, Sabo! by InsanelyWriteful
Summary: Sabo comes home to find that he really can't leave Ace and Luffy alone without some catastrophic event taking place in his absence. Now it is up to him to deal with the ultimate horror: A crying Luffy.
Notes: ace trying to act cool despite panicking over making luffy cry lol
Sharp Knife of a Short Life by saraku
Summary: The Blood of the Covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Notes: asl short series in which i live for my boys being alive
Meet the Family by siqwithaQ
Summary: Luffy's was probably the most interesting proposition Zoro had ever heard, so naturally, he just had to go along with it.
Notes: PITBULL - that’s it, that’s the fic.
Family Reunion by Eiliem
Summary: After Ace's rescue from Marinford, the Straw Hats hitch a ride on the Moby Dick so Luffy can check up on his brother... and because they forgot to secure transportation of their own.
Notes: what should have been canon before/during/after marineford arc tbh
Saving Ace Together by firefistphoenix
Summary: What if all the straw hats come together to save Ace? set after impel down and immediately towards Marine-ford. Also Thatch is alive and I intend to keep Ace and Whitebeard alive too.
Notes: everyone alive is my kink
wish by spirit if by yes by midnightluck
Summary: Mostly, Sabo likes his job, even when it means trying to chase down pirates like Whitebeard in the New World to discuss important Army affairs. Okay, maybe especially then.
Notes: Reunion AU where Sabo's a lucky little brat, everyone's happy, and nothing hurts. Well, okay, some stuff still hurts. BUT THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOW CANON HAD GONE ;___________;
Immortality is What We Leave Behind by BedlamAnjelle
Summary: The lines between mythos and humans were very clear cut, and Marco liked it that way. Everyone knew that the great Suzaku had deemed humans savage and was content to have nothing to do with them ever again. Which is why the phoenix lord buying two humans- young boys, no less- at the auction came as a shock. Especially to Marco. Just what was he thinking, yoi?
Notes: all the kid!acelu feels and reluctant papa!marco ++ izou & thatch
Wild Blood by siqwithaQ
Summary: In a world where the King never died, Roger and Dragon try to raise their sons away from the government's eye. Secrecy turns out to be more of a challenge than they bargained for.
Notes: im sad this hasn’t been updated bc we were getting to the really good part of toddler!ace and baby!luffy finally meeting
Young and Built to Fall by fingers-falling-upwards
Summary: Ace will save his nakama. He will save his father. And he will save his little brother and ensure Luffy's happiness even if it kills him. Again. Thankfully, he won't be doing it alone. Together, he and Luffy will change the world.
Notes: a timetravel fix-it fic
Learning Freedom by elri(angelrider13)
Summary: They were slaves. One who had known freedom and lost it; one who had been born without it. Will a chance meeting give them something to live for? 15yo!ace and 3yo!luffy
Notes: ughhh this remains as one of my all time favs jfc it’s so beautifully written and my heart aches on how young and innocent luffy is and how ace raised him up; warning for heavy themes; it’s been discontinued though bc people kept plagiarizing it asdfghjkl
Ten Years Difference by Stormy1x2
Summary: It's amazing what differences there would be if there were a ten-year age difference between Ace and Luffy. For one thing, how on earth could Ace possibly feel good about himself leaving Foosha Village if his brother had been six-and-a-half instead of the canon fourteen?
Notes: older!ace and younger!luffy + one piece canon sign me up
Ace in the Hole by Reign of Rayne
Summary: Raised as an assassin with no knowledge of his father and holding no drive beyond the orders he's given, Ace finds his whole world flipped by one small boy and a promise.
Notes: older!ace and younger!luffy fics is my kryptonite
Gang Wars by samettikettu
Summary: In order to protect his most treasured possession, Ace joins the Whitebeard gang but soon finds out that protecting his brother is much harder than he had thought. When gang wars rampage and child welfare officers knock the door, Ace is lucky to have friends around him who are willing to help him and his four-year-old little brother, Luffy.
Notes: ace raising luffy hell to the yes
A Pirate’s Resolve by Anjelle
Summary: Luffy has finally reached his dream of becoming the Pirate King. He goes to visit Ace's grave to finally finish his journey. But really, there's more adventure awaiting him. When he arrives on an uninhabited island with his crew, he's attacked by a stranger. However, perhaps this boy isn't a stranger after all. [AceLu brotherly. No pairings]
Notes: did someone ask for acelu feels??? here you go
Adopted by Default by Kitsune Foxfire
Summary: Moby Dick is anything but peaceful on a regular day. The crew is just well used to their special brand of crazy, however. So when an unexpected guest arrives, it throws everyone into disorder. Really, where the hell is this cheeky brat's crew? Someone needs to tell Ace that his ship-brothers are NOT babysitters!
Notes: another all-time fav bc i live for luffy breaking the whitebeard pirates
Drunken Brocon by DemonKittyAngel
Summary: It isn't until the first time Ace gets drunk that they learn he has a brother. Doting on him has become a favorite pass time and they can see him thriving under the attention. Such a cute little brother. Which is why it comes as such a shock that he's a big brother. "Did I tell you about the time he got swallowed by the alligator, again?"
Notes: Drunk!Ace Brocon!Ace Family!Whitebeards
Breakout by Karukyuu
Summary: After being momentarily stopped during his invasion of Impel Down, Luffy wakes up one hour earlier. Not only does this spell the worst trouble Impel Down has ever seen, but also bestows the Marines with a most unwanted surprise.
Notes: what do you mean this isn’t what happened
Never Save by siqwithaQ
Summary: Ace's guardian angel might be something other than an angel.
Notes: alternatively titled as “hurt me more dot jpg”
Soulmates!verse by Elri (angelrider13)
Summary: There was always one Angel and one Demon. No more, no less. One was pure, the other tainted. They were never meant to co-exist, and yet, they find themselves inevitably drawn together.
Notes: there are 3 stories in this universe with basically the same theme of angel!luffy and demon!ace; warning (?): this also toes the line of being shippy between ace and luffy but well it depends on the reader i guess
Forgot to Hide the Bodies by siqwithaQ
Summary: Despite being lovers and sharing an apartment, neither Ace nor Luffy ever found out what the other does for a living — not to say that there haven't been close calls. Because, really, some skeletons in the closet are more literal than others. Ace/Luffy
Notes: warning (?) acelu is shippy; but ok goodness this one made me laugh
Brave and Strong by samettikettu
Summary: Everything made sense now, why Sabo hadn't hugged him back and why he didn't say much to him during their brief meetings. Or why he hadn't waited till he woke up. Sabo blamed him for Ace's death.
Notes: i didn’t know i needed yandere!sabo until this
Borrowing Days by Strange-Charms
Summary: Sabo was determined, he'd do this right. To make up for all those he'd missed.
Notes: ahhh such a “quiet” and nice sabo and luffy brotherly bonding
Detective Loomes and the Phantom Thief by samettikettu
Summary: Detective Sherlock Loomes is the greatest detective in all England and he's tracking down the murderer who took his friend's life, a man called Moriarty. During his investigations, another criminal catches his eyes and messes up his head with his charming smile. It's the Phantom Thief Lupin! Sabo/Luffy
Notes: everyone’s roles are great; warning (?): shippy sabolu
The Monkey Clan by loofahlover
Summary: Zoro had never thought that going out with Luffy would be easy. But that knowledge had not prepared him to meet with a senile old marine, an ex-mercenary, a half-drunk traveling salesman, a fireman with a questionable skillset, a shady government agent, and an even shadier sociopath.
Notes: this was tagged as zoro/luffy but the focus was on the “monkey clan” and this was fcking hilarious and literally has been a rollercoaster from start until the end lmao I LOVE THIS
The Hat by Taisi
Summary: About a year before the Corrida Colosseum in Dressrosa, Sabo met one of Luffy's nakama. Well, they didn't actually meet. They spoke, but names weren't exchanged; other things were.
Notes: so simple but sooooo good; AU drabble
NAKAMA FICS
ALL of akurosa’s fics are a must-read!!! but let me list down my top ones from this author
this is the price that has been paid in full (Some days, it's the ridiculously small things that break them and make them start over again.)
moments like this (simple and sweet Zoro&Luffy nakamaship moments)
Next Time Won’t You Sing With Me (The Straw Hats' ABCs. Short stories, all Luffy-centric with crew member interactions and sometimes, with Ace. notes: the last chapter (letter z) killed me hence, this)
Like When a Fox Falls (Last time, he saved them. This time, they'll find him. A modern-reincarnation fic)
2 Things by The StoryBooker
Summary: Zoro contemplates the things he does for his captain. Then he has a conversation with Rayleigh about what it means to be a first mate.
Notes: im weak for first mates complaining about their captains
A Light Against The Dark Sky by zealousfreak27
Summary: In which Robin Nico adopts six squirming children, becomes an object of interest for a famous elderly violinist, makes the acquaintance of a very interesting demolitionist, and learns to live again.
Notes: pretty sure im gonna rec all kid!luffy fics tbh
Already Forever by Taisi
Summary: Hundreds of years from now, historians will never know what her captain was thinking, when he brought Enies Lobby to its knees with a declaration of war, when he attacked a Celestial Dragon on an island in an archipelago, and she won't be there to explain, "it was for a friend, you see?" (In which Nami comes to understand that the world will never understand Luffy.)
Notes: nami’s thoughts are pretty much the fans’ thoughts
Always Gold by kokune
Summary: He's tied to a tree, his swords and crew are missing, and now some ten-year-old brat calling himself Sabo is waving around a lead pipe, demanding to know what happened to his little brother. Zoro closes his eyes and wonders if a bottle of booze will appear out of nowhere if he wishes hard enough. It's not like the day can get any weirder, anyway.
Notes: post timeskip!SHs encounter young!ASL on Dawn Island
Copycat by Taisi
Summary: And then, so quickly no one saw it happen, the man is reeling back with a broken nose, the creature is swept up and away, and Luffy- cradling it safely against his chest- looks as surprised as the rest of them. (In which there are absolutely no miraculous returns, and old wounds ache before a rain.)
Notes: *wraps luffy in a burrito blanket*
Calendars and Kings by Taisi
Summary: "When I was little, all the other kids got treats and candies on my birthday too, so I didn't know it was special for me. Ace always said it was, but I thought that was just 'cause he was my big brother. I thought that since it was already a holiday, it didn't count!"
Notes: just some nakama feels for all of us
Inversion by siqwithaQ
Summary: "He wished things were different. He wished things would change."
Notes: did someone ask for an ocean of angst in 1 chapter??? here you go
Inanition by Taisi
Summary: in·a·ni·tion, noun; lack of mental or spiritual vigor and enthusiasm; exhaustion caused by lack of nourishment.
Notes: [In which Luffy's metabolism is faster than his doctor understands.]
Linger by Duzzie
Summary: AU. They're just a bunch of lonely kids in a hospital ward before he comes along: the boy with a smile like sunshine.
Notes: what was that you wanted more angsty fics??? here you go
Smile Again by Taisi
Summary: His eyes are bright, and his mouth is stretched into a grin as wide as the world, and looking at him Usopp could cry.
Notes: Modern AU, Nakamaship; there’s a lingering ache bc of the loss but the support of the mugiwara family is there
The Straw Hat by EmberEvolution
Summary: The straw hat Shanks had given Luffy all those years ago finally fits on the boy's head. For anyone else, it would be an exciting event as it proves that they've grown from before. For Luffy, it's an event that triggered a panic fit and the reason behind it is simple: What if he outgrows his treasured straw hat?
Notes: luffy has legitimate concerns ok
S
We Walk the Beaten Path by soomin
Summary: They were so close to the end that a few of them have actually begun to think about the ever after. However, Sabo warns the Strawhat crew that one of them will not make it to the afterwards if they go to Raftel, the crew thinks. It has always been pirate king or death. Not a single one thought that the “or” could one day be “and”.
Notes: The highlight would have to be how each of the crew member reacted and tried finding a “solution”.
In The Bag by Kamu
Summary: All pirates have hordes of treasure.It just so happens in this life, cats are the treasure in Luffy's.
Notes: luffy as the owner of mugiwara!cats but this def needs the next part to update
Kizuna by YokoHogawa
Summary: Usopp carefully watches Luffy over the sandwich he is biting into, and he can’t help but worry. Sanji has an anxiety problem. Something wakes Zoro at the crack of dawn.
Notes: nice approach immediately after the crew’s 3d2y reunion
Exclusivity by Taizi
Summary: A stranger flirts with the oblivious Luffy, and the Straw Hat Pirates reveal a possessive streak.
Notes: ngl i’m weak for people being protective over luffy
Breadwinner by siqwithaQ
Summary: Because when the trouble doesn't find the Straw Hats by itself, the Straw Hats have to go looking for trouble.
Notes: im still choking with laughter especially with the law-luffy-nami scenes lmao
Nothing but Trouble by Kitsune Foxfire
Summary: Marco and Thatch have had just about enough of the Moby Dick's newest passenger. Whenever Ace isn't trying to kill Oyaji, he's driving the rest of the crew insane with his bizarre habits. They're not even sure if they've picked up a feral dog or a person anymore. Who the heck raised this kid, anyway? Wolves?
Notes: oh, ace, i love you
Unexpected Emergencies by blueh
Summary: Luffy had been alone most of his short life, with no one to love and no one to rely on. This all changed, however, when the Whitebeard Pirates stumble upon his lonely little island and take the four-year-old boy under their wing. Who knew that the little rubber brat would become one of Oyaji's strongest commanders when he grew up? Ha. The Whitebeard Pirates sure didn't.
Notes: ahhh the bonding of luffy and the whitebeard pirates as he grew up was so nice
SHIPPY FICS
aka i didn’t know i shipped anyone in one piece but damn these fics are good
An Interesting Proposal by petiteneko
Summary: If anybody told Smoker that he would have a casual conversation with his boss at a pirate's wedding, he would have thought them beyond insane. Law/Luffy
Notes: wherein smoker’s sure he didn’t sign up for this bullshit and the wedding hall has got to be the “most wanted area in history”
Her Pace by Arithra
Summary: When Trafalgar Law first met Strawhat Luffy in the auction house on Sabaody, he like everyone else, assumed her to be male. It was a simple fact. A fact that would not survive their second meeting. Law/Luffy
Notes: genderbent!luffy and as usual he/she is still so damn cute
Stow Away Captains by xairylle
Summary: Law sneaks into the men's quarters of the Thousand Sunny. Zoro contemplates on how to deal with it. And Luffy, well, Luffy is just Luffy.
Notes: screaming over the predicament of zoro, sanji, usopp, and brook lmao
Youthful Years by grayclouds
Summary: Snippets and bits of seven years in Hogwarts during which Law hopelessly pines for Luffy. Law/Luffy
Notes: the hp au every fandom needs
We’re Not Nuns by deadhemoglobin
Summary: Luffy went to prison. [[ZoLu, LawLu, Prison AU, warnings inside]]
Notes: explicit Zoro/Luffy y’all and the premise was interesting
A Clash of Blades by Arithra
Summary: Mihawk had lived by the blade, had lived for the blade and the moment she lost her title she would die by the blade as well. Only Shanks ever dared to disagree. (fem!mihawk; Shanks/Mihawk)
Notes: i thought mihawk looked pretty in oda’s genderbent drawing so i casually looked for a fic then this happened and jfc ngl this works sooo well and the fact that the author managed to keep them in character was super nice
ASL in Love by Kereea
Summary: Three things would be true about the ASL Brothers’ relationships: they would be spectacular, they would be weird, and Shanks would not approve of his kids’ love lives. Marco/Ace Sabo/Koala Law/Luffy
Notes: papa!shanks is the best and him raging over his kids’ “special others” is the best
Hey, Mr. Star, I Think I love You (Please Love Me Too) by JuHuaTai
Summary: Rising star actor, Marco Newgate, and the darling of the music industry, Spade, are just friends. Good friends who met in the most awkward of circumstances, and hold great respect for each other’s craft. Okay, a whole lot deal of great respect, and there might be a shade of crush here and there, but it’s a celebrity crush and that’s all there is to it.At least, that's what they kept saying. The whole world sure doesn't buy it one bit. Marco/Ace
Notes: fluff goodness literally this is what you’d need if you wanna have toothache from all the sweetness also i cry over luffy being a youtuber
We’ll Look Back and Laugh at Ourselves by JuHuaTai
Summary: Between his new boyfriend and his workaholic boss, Marco felt like he was surrounded by family issues of the father and son dispute variety. Maybe it was just a coincidence.Or maybe he should've listened to the office gossip more. Maybe then he'd figure it out sooner. Marco/Ace
Notes: i relate with whitebeard and (later on) rayleigh
Thwarted by a Malign Star by DeadSkullB
Summary: “Fuck pirates, they're scum - except for Luffy, Luffy's fine… But he's not a pirate yet… that means it's fine, yeah, pirates suck,” Ace said matter-of-factly. Then his brain slowly caught up and he looked at the man - his face, not his very, very nice chest - with narrowed eyes. “Are you a pirate?”
Marco smirked and pointed down at his chest.
“You’re Marco the pine- Phoenix,” Ace stumbled over the word, heart having leapt to his throat and filled his ear with constant drumming. He didn't realize he spilled his drink - when had he gotten a refill? Marco/Ace
Notes: came for the summary bc ace doting on luffy even as a marine is gold and stayed bc damn that was hot; nsfw & explicit obv
One Piece Soulmates AU by Charlie_Mou
Summary: You have the name of your soulmate tattooed on your body but it's the name that will have the biggest impact on the world. Marco/Ace Law/Luffy
Notes: The variety of One Piece Soulmate AU, mostly MarcoAce, LawLu, and others which isn’t written yet.
OTHERS
of doughnuts and meat by dami_an
Summary: "Where's my MEAT?!!"
Behind the counter, Katakuri looks up from the sales ledger. He sighs, "Told you; this is a bakery. We don't sell meat here."
"But you have meat buns!!!" Luffy whines.
Notes: “in which katakuri's a baker and ends up befriending a seven-year-old luffy”; the exasperation of katakuri ftw and kid!luffy is the cutest basically a very wholesome shit i live for
The World Goes Around by WinglessCrows
Summary: "How come you're called the pirate hunter, when you're a pirate yourself?"- How Zoro got his nickname and how his stupid captain was somehow involved.
Notes: a headcanon i accept
Grandfatherhood by Keereea
Summary: Sengoku and Garp chat about Sengoku's discovery about Law.
Notes: “Like Sengoku wouldn't tell Garp "crap I've join the 'my grandson's a pirate' club." warning (?): there’s a tiny bit of lawlu at the end
An Old-Hat Rivalry by lunarshores(damichan)
Summary: Three times Marco met a different man wearing the straw hat, and one time he decided to follow it.
Notes: i just love the takes of authors on how marco and luffy’s dynamic is going to be and ugh the ending was so cute
A Song for the Heartsore and War-Weary by
Summary: "Sorry, Ace," Marco murmured to himself as he riffled through the stack of old newspapers. "I don't know how it happened, but... I think I'm stalking your little brother."
Notes: another take on marco and luffy’s dynamic asdfghjkl
Unsinkable by RikoJasmine
Summary: The Straw Hats find out that their captain has one hell of a family. When asked about his mother’s whereabouts, Luffy simply grins and throws his arms out, gesturing to the endless expanse of sea around them. With complete sincerity, he replies, “The ocean is my mother!”An AU where Luffy isn’t entirely human, and water affects him differently than other Devil Fruit users.
Notes: an interesting take on who luffy’s mother might be
Take It From Another Savior by JadeFlicker
Summary: "You realize, by saving Straw Hat-ya, you may very well have indirectly changed or saved a lot of lives.” “You think?” “I know.” On their way to Wano, Law and his group just happen to meet the Red Hair Pirates.
Notes: ahhh, i loved the “quietness” of this fic and some interactions between characters i didn’t think i’d be interested in seeing (hence this)
Like Cats and Dogs by PitViperOfDoom
Summary: It should be easy to judge a man by the shape of his soul, but Strawhat Luffy spits in the face of logic and predictability.
Notes: i finally found a daemon fic yes
Law’s Adventure in the Thousand Sunny by LuffyForKing
Summary: Law's thoughts on the crew's antics. Rated T for some swearing.
Notes: basically, the strawhats broke law lmao
About You by pitchblackfingernails
Summary: “Is he serious?!” He heard faintly from Eustass-ya’s direction.
And it seemed that he was. Because “Straw Hat” Monkey D. Luffy, dodged one, two bullets that flew in his direction, formed a fist, pulled his arm back, and then, with a shout, hit the face of one of the World Nobles with a force that sent the sucker flying halfway across the room, completely shattering the benches that were in the way in the process.
And grunted in satisfaction, a fierce and proud look on his face.
Law would be lying if he claimed that the sight didn’t make his heart skip a beat.
Fucking hell. So that was Monkey D. Luffy.
Notes: warning (?): it’s tagged as law/luffy but so far, it’s more on showing law’s pov on luffy pre timeskip
Every You, Every Me by tokyonightskies
Summary: “Did you know, Roci…” Doffy begins in a voice that only spells out trouble. As if he knows something Rocinante doesn’t, has never thought about until it’s said and done. “That Sengoku keeps your marine file in his desk?” There’s something comforting about how unpredictable his brother is, something he can count on at least when there’s nothing else to rely on. He grabs a commentary on their great-great grandmother and puts it on top of the others, on the pile of papers he doesn’t really suspect his brother to read thoroughly. “I didn’t.” He responds tiredly as he shuts the drawer and leans against the wall, “Do I want to know how you know?” Doffy comes to stand next to him, tilts his head back until Roci can glimpse at his eyes from the side, and teases, “I looked, of course.”
Notes: interesting take on what if roci wasn’t allowed to infiltrate the donquixote family and continued being a marine but it has only 1 chapter whelp; there are pairings tagged but then again no shippy thing at all since it’s not updated
Black Scab by tofu-melon
Summary: Having been raised by his grandfather since a young age, Luffy grows up powerful and intelligent enough to become part of the CP9... more precisely, he becomes their Chief Director.
Notes: warning (?) it was tagged as Lucci/Luffy but so far it doesn’t have any yet
Drop-In Voyage by Lily Noire
Summary: So how does one go about visiting family on the other side of the globe? Easy: just board a ship. There's a pit stop on the way, you say? Dangerous, is it? No biggie, simply wreak havoc. And watch out for that fist! Strongest man in the world? Really? Then, surpass him it is! - Luffy did always have his priorities straight... somewhat.
Notes: ahhh i wish the author would continue this bc i wanna see everyone’s reaction to their visit lol
My Family Can Beat Up Your Family by rose7anne101
Summary: Big Mom decided she needed to make an unforgettable example of one of the Worst Generation, her chosen target: Straw Hat Luffy. Alive!Ace
Notes: this is the canon we deserve wherein nobody died and luffy’s still wrecking havoc
Oh God, My Eyes! by Kitsune Foxfire
Summary: No one could ever really be sure what went on in Garp's head. So they weren't sure if his new cloths were some kind of strange D-related tactic, or if the man had actually lost his mind. If they'd just look at the date, they'd know. His cute grandsons always sent the most thoughtful gifts for his birthday.
Notes: garp the grandpa ftw
Pets by clarobel
Summary: AU. Zoro was a stray until Shanks picked him up and adopted him. Now in a house with reindeer, kittens, fish and dogs, the green cat doesn't know who to trust. Luffy's delighted to have a new friend to play with, though!
Notes: mugiwara as pets hell yes
The Justice of Freedom by Stelra Etnae
Summary: Garp is a pirate, Roger is a Marine? The Marine top-tiers are full of slacking drunkards and the Yonko are obsessed with rice crackers? Just what kind of chaos will unfold in a world such as this? A role-reversal AU where everything is upside down and no one is quite sane. Drabble series.
Notes: im sCREAMING loool
Storm by Kuroshi44
Summary: Because even across the seas he would find a way to let his child know he cared.
Notes: i can’t wait for a legit dragon and luffy reunion
Supernova Family by YohoAruto
Summary: There are laughter, shouting, fight, all the halabaloo. It's what families do! But we all have to wonder if this family can survive with eachothers? Just a regular Supernova Family.
Notes: ok but i really love the supernovas and this modern au fic is gold
The adventures of the Supernova pirates by WhimsicalAnimeFan
Summary: This is the story of the Supernova crew, under their captain, Strawhat Luffy! Join Luffy as he travels the east blue and through the Grand Line to collect pirates for his crew!
Notes: thank the heavens they’re not under one crew
Throne Without Direction by Som3on3
Summary: "You have an old soul," Benn said and Luffy wanted to laugh, that's one way to put it, falling from the heavens and chained upon the earth. Instead he only gazed at the unchanging sky before smiling, "I'm just a free spirit."
Notes: this had so much potential especially after the reveal in the latest chapter but it hasn’t been updated ;________;
**will add more from time to time
#one piece#fic rec#monkey d. luffy#portgas d. ace#sabo#what do you mean this is mostly asl fics.............i mean yknow#ANON SAN IT IS FINALLY HERE so you can stop spamming my inbox now lmao
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Goblin: The Lonely and Great God Reaction Thread (Ep 1)
For @ladyvanserra
He moved a pot a couple of inches and broke a Frenchman’s rib. I already like this show!
Period dramas (even partially) and fantasy mixed with history. That’s my drama-kink right there.
Wait why are they declaring him a criminal?
He won the war for them?
Oh wow, violence with blood! Yay korea(n dramas)!
Wait why do you look familiar King Dude?
OH MY GOD IT’S THE BOY FROM “THE BIG HIT”
DOES YOUR FATHER KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW?!?!?
Actually, he seemed more likely to declare himself a god...
Ah, they’re mad at him for being Julius Caesar, got it.
Well obvs the white girl is supposed to stand out, who are you?
Oh, that was a “we used to fuck” look
“Imma kill every innocent person.” That’s some A+ kinging right there.
Ohhhh yeah, they fucked.
Wait she wants him to go kill the king? Even if everyone dies?
That’s fucked up.
I want more backstory of this whole thing.
“Fire on her from behind the guy walking and kill her to punish him for not being easy to kill!”
Or, you know, order him shot in the back?
And he walks up behind him and slices.
Like, couldn’t just do that before? A+ guarding right there.
Eew, why do people drool when they cry in dramas? Just... eew.
“Forgive me sir for slowly stabbing you with a giant broadsword”
Cut. Off. His. Head. It’s. More. Polite.
See? Like what that guard just did to the other guy.
Man the advisor from Mulan is a dick
I know that’s chinese not Korean.
It’s the hat.
SHE’S STILL ALIVE??? LONGEST DEATH WITH AN ARROW IN SOMEONE’S HEART EVER.
DIE FASTER.
oh the old lady’s ring, splashed with her blood.
So shouldn’t she be a goblin too?
Is that why the old lady looked so young-made-to-look-old?
Is she the dead lady as a goblin in some way?
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE HIM TO DIE OMFG.
Well, I mean, from the show... a long damn time. But still!
Seoul, 1998, and he looks like Neo
JFC THAT CAR CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND HE FUCKING DEMOLISHED IT!
Wait, why do you look familiar car dude???
Seriously familiar.
Death is hot and all, but this dude looks SERIOUSLY familiar...
C’mon google, help a girl out
*cries 20 min later when no amount of googling turns up anything*
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
Fandom recruited to identify.
BUT NO LUCK
JFC did he have bodies in his trunk???
Death is hot.
He resembles another actor, but I can’t think of who.
Not in the this-will-drive-me-insane way, just---
OH, THE DUDE FROM “THE 100″. BELLAMY.
He reminds me of Bellamy. Just in the eyes and hair.
“Drink this tea or you’ll regret it...” Kind of rapey, Death.
what the frick-frack? that’s a lot of tea
Death literally making tea all day huh? ~drama~
Death that hat looks stupid.
Haha, Goblin just casually dropping shade XDDD
Slightly obsessed with candles, are we?
It’s child abuse to dress a kid like that.
"This is my grandson, who I obviously want beaten up on the playground.”
“From now on, this child will serve you, old bloody sword dude!”
Yeah this is normal.
So it wasn’t just that he was killed with his own blade, it was that he killed so many, or left so many to die at his hands?
HOW ARE YOU NOT RUNNING LIKE CRAZY THE OTHER WAY AT THE ZOMBIE THAT JUST STOOD UP IN YOUR FIELD???
That old guy is so fucking chill...
Oh, he’s going to kill the Mulan-Advisor!
Again, I know that’s Chinese and this is Korean, it’s the hat.
So who was the girl that they gave her a proper memorial?
That poor little Goryeo boy... He’s doomed to one day don the above ridiculous outfit.
Death would have been kinder.
But he is seriously cute as a button!
In the past, not in the yellow thingie.
Is it bad I only find the lead hot when he’s got his warrior-hair (long)?
omg the little nugget is hungry~
and he’s trying to hide it.
THAT BOY DESERVES ALL THE LOVE AND FOOD AND JUST EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
He was starving! Poor bean sprout~~
WHY ARE YOU BULLYING THE CUTE LITTLE DUDE?!?!?
NO!!!!! NUGGET!!!! DON’T DROWN
SAVE HIM YOU RAT BASTARD!
SAVE THE KERNEL OF CUTENESS!!!
Yes, you using your new powers (that we never see you learn to control) to kill the evil slavers is nice and all
BUT SAVE
THE
BABY
BUMBLEBEE
Ooo, green flaming sword, cool.
But where’s Button???????
YOU. CAN’T. SNAP. TO. PRESENT. THERE.
So they say “Goblin”, but they mean a minor god?
Uh oh, Female Lead in hit-and-run.
I wonder if she’ll be saved
*she says sarcastically*
Wow that is a lot of blood.
Her entire body’s worth
And yet she’s still chatting.
And Goblin will save her.
But not the adorable little bean.
Female Lead is preggo?
Death is gonna be PISSED
And not just because his hat is silly.
OMG that’s the cutest baby ever.
AAH! CORPSES!
Whispering about brides.
Over a baby.
Who is now 8 years old.
The mom looks mildly familiar...
I think from her Banjun Drama days? I think I saw the DBSK ones...
OMFG THAT IS AN ADORABLE LITTLE PUPPY
Who apparently doesn’t exist?
DOES THAT MEAN IT’S A DEAD PUPPY’S GHOST????
NO, THERE AREN’T ALLOWED TO BE DEAD PUPPIES
NOT EVER
NEVER EVER EVER
*traumatized*
Yeah, something was weird with the mom not touching candles.
How’d she die?
Was it before?
Or recently?
This convo with the mom’s ghost is so creepy and sad at the same time
I love it
Seriously creepy, sad, and cool all at once
Love love love it.
This part kind of gives me “Black” vibes.
Did anyone else see that?
It was just ok.
“How do you never seem to grow old granny?”
Because she’s obviously a young lady in age make up.
It’s the eyes. She has painfully young eyes.
And Death came for the kid... why?
Oh, he’s surprised, he came for the mom.
“You of all people should know.”
Oh, so old lady is a Reaper too?
A head of cabbage as a birthday gift.
Yep, she’s an old lady.
Oh look, the old lady is young again. What a surprise.
LMAO the little guy in the dumb hat grew up to be a drinker.
Not surprised with that dumb hat.
JFC the ghost trying to get her attention is freaky.
The dangers of shooting a guy walking in slow-motion.
He looks like an idiot when he blinks.
OK this super intense stare between him and the teenager is kind of eew (even though she’s 19).
Can we do a time jump and age her again?
And he’s like *instant boner*
Ooo, little nugget grew up hot this time
Another reason he shouldn’t have drowned in the Goryeo times.
“How can she be proud of killing her own mom”
Wow, fucking nice family there...
Assholes.
Throwing a rice bowl at her head and demanding money?
Wow.
These fuckers deserve bad things.
Aw, Goblin is adorable with the old man.
He’s got a nice smile.
Just... totally nice.
Is he pacing around where he died? Gnarly.
What? He heard her prayer?
Is it because he saved her?
Aw, he came to her.
Arguing over who summoned who, lmao.
It sounds like when my mother and father think they heard the other call them.
“Did you call me?”
“No, why would I have called you?”
“That’s what I’m asking you.”
“Give me (flowers), they don’t suit you.”
hahahahahahahahaha
He gave her flowers, so I guess this is a first date?
“What do these flowers mean?” “Lovers.” *romantic music*
Again, I know she’s 19... but she looks 15, and he’s like 40.
Aw, Death is looking dapper.
He lives with a centuries-old Goblin.
And is renting the house out to Death.
Why isn’t the show about this guy’s life???
It could be a comedy.
omg burning the contract with a finger-gun is hysterical
And his face when there’s a copy XDDD
DON’T YOU THREATEN MY LITTLE NUGGET DEATH
NOT EVEN AS A JOKE
I will CUT YOU
This is the bromance I didn’t know I needed.
These two flinging pepper and paprika (or probably chili flakes) around the table like children.
It’s already a comedy! :D
She’s going to work at a Korean Chicken restaurant.
Korean chicken restaurants are proof of the divine.
If it’s made of chicken
and you’re in Korea
it’s going to be amazing.
Especially garlic or soy sauce fried chicken.
But also spicy chicken bites.
Kind of like Korean orange chicken?
I can’t spell the word.
So the connection between them is fire? That’s how she summons him? Or is it the act of putting them out?
“I must be a fairy. Like Tinker Bell.”
*rolls eyes and vanishes immediately to get away from the stupid*
Haha, so it is lighting and blowing out a flame.
If blowing out a digital candle works-
JFC IT WORKS
“Goblin” must be a loose translation.
Because nothing about this is goblin-like in western mythology.
So it must just be the closest equivalent creature to translate to.
Ah, now he knows who she is.
And what she is.
Wow, he’s brutal.
“Just go die then. I only care about you 10 won worth”.
*follows him through a portal to the other side of the world on accident*
I think he just peed himself.
“Canada.... you mean the place with the maple leaf? The one in North America?!?!??!?!?”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO
“No matter how I think about it, you’re a goblin... I love you.”
Immediately latches on to tall, dark, and handsome because he insta-travels.
Mood.
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There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just gonna come right out with it: welcome to the most morbid post in Union history. Half the family is getting wiped out in a single update and I don’t mean to point fingers, but it’s 100% Wyatt’s fault. I really need someone to blame so don’t dare try to take this away from me.
Back to the present and not the corpse-filled near future, we actually have some money to spend on our spawn for the first time ever, so Shajar gets a non-completely-depressing room. No more eating from the cat bowl for our kids!
..spoke too soon.
-Is it still there, is it still there??
-YES omg it just looked right at me! Vic! I’m scared!
-Don’t make eye contact with it you fool! Don’t you have any idea about how children work??
After not getting promoted for an eon, Jojo is suddenly killing it, two promotions in a row!
-I know, I was starting to fear I’d be one of those geniuses who are only recognized after death- UGH, what is that obnoxious sound?
That’s your infant child screaming because it was abandoned on the cold hard floor the entire night.
-Oh ok, so standard parenting. For a minute I thought something was wrong.
-There, there, you’re alright. Ok.. OK seriously, stop. God, have some dignity for once in your 12-hour life. Crying in public is so embarrassing.
-NEEEEEEO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Yup. I’ve been so focused on feeding Victor and Alegra’s ancient asses from the bowl of life that I forgot Neo was an elder too, so he’s the first to go even though he’s way younger than them, great job @ me. Goodbye Neo 💔 You were such a good boy, our cat heir, and an integral part in achieving Komei’s life-ruining LTW. You will be sorely missed.
..Apparently by your archenemy Victor most of all. Vicky casually walked off the lot the minute Neo died with no notifications about running away, only to return on his own shortly after. Wtf is going on in this house.
-I had to contemplate the futility of hate.. All this time wasted trying to kill each other and for what.. It's a sunrise and a sunset from a cradle to a casket.
Yea or this lot is already glitched as fuck and it’s only generation 2. Good times.
I was very bummed out by Neo’s premature demise and not in the mood for another kid, but one peek at Jojo and Wyatt’s life bars convinced me to drop the mourning period and circle-of-life this bitch. They are extremely not getting any younger and who tf do I think I am? Someone who knows better than Mufasa?However since a) Jojo is nowhere near his 100k LTW and can’t be taking days off and b) and more importantly, I hate Wyatt, guess who’s carrying this time around!
OH COME ON
GODFUCKINGDAMMIT WYATT
-Huhu!
How the hell did this happen I DEMAND TO KNOW
-Check how your mods work in le futur, idiόt!
..well you got me there.
Jo you are ON FIRE, 3/3! Maybe we can actually complete this 100k bullshit before you’re on death’s doorstep. It’s gonna be close tho, but you know, you just HAD to get knocked up again, so that’s on you.
-No, it’s on YOU.
No, it’s ON WYATT. Let’s just not point fingers and move on, ok? Everyone is equally to blame.
-NO THEY’RE NOT
I’VE MOVED ON I CAN’T HEAR YOU
And now a section I like to call: What the entire fuck is happening. VICTORIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING
-What?? I love babies :)
I legit went back and checked, can you guess how many times Victoria autonomously interacted with any of her kids when they were babies/toddlers? If you had EXACTLY ONE TIME you win..nothing. There are no winners here.
Oh. my. god.
-Stop hogging her already, I wanna feed her too!
-WELL WAIT YOUR TURN DICK. No, not you, baby bobo booboo..
We’ve had our fair share of plot twists around here but this is truly some fucked up shit. In case you don’t get what the big deal is, enjoy this little trip down memory lane aka the Victoria-Komei-parenting-hall-of-fame. Either the ‘age mellows people out’ thing applies to sims too or they got personality transplants when I wasn’t looking. Disturbing.
Of course SOME THINGS never change, no matter how life-ruining for all involved.
-Is this about my LTW, STILL? It’s been like 20 years, GET OVER IT
NEVER
Whachu doing Vic?
-Updating my will to include Komei now that I suddenly love him. Of course someone has to get cut to make that happen..
Well goodbye Daniel I guess!
-..Who the fuck is Daniel?
-I too am making preparations for when I leave this cruel world.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume they’re cat-related.
-NO, not everything is about cats! I have plenty of other interests and concerns.
Name one.
-My beloved son! I’m making sure he takes care of my cats.
Finally, this family’s excellence is starting to be recognized. It’s about time.
-Yea no, this is a recognition that you trainwrecks need all the help you can get.
UGH typical jealous hater bullshit, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.
Ok, I’ve some idea what you’re talking about. Honestly what else has to happen for me to just. stop fucking throwing kid’s birthday parties? I’m pretty sure we’ve had..one that wasn’t a straight up disaster? God knows those glory days aren’t returning any time soon.
-I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m having a blast :D
Of course you are Gunther, you haven’t been sober since the third year of college.
AND SOME PEOPLE ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT. ABSOLUTELY NOT. HALF ALIEN PROF ISTFG
-I’m legit fine with this :)
I legit don’t care, it’s not happening in our sacred home. Also BRIT IS RIGHT THERE JFC you’ve gotten stupid as shit.
You guys seriously, what sins am I paying for, why can’t we have ONE NORMAL NON-INCESTUOUS PARTY. JUST ONE. Daniel heartfarting over his ex, ok, not that weird. Komei heartfarting over his daughter-in-law..getting weird. Gunther heartfarting over Half Alien Prof..reaching for the chlorine to bleach my eyes and then immediately drink.
Nice, get in on that action Wyatt! We almost forgot about your long standing boner for your brother-in-law.
Happy birthday, Shajar! You’re welcome for this amazing party, pay me back by not being ugly.
..yea ok. You did your best with the tools you were given. And I mean the literal giant tools that are your parents. Hopefully Wyatt came through with his somewhat balanced personality???
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH MAN. 10 playful, 9 active and 1 nice? Literally sporting Jigsaw’s personality. I mean darling Jojo has 3 nice points and is..how he is, can’t even imagine what Shajar is gonna grow up to be like, but it’s good to know we’re moving in the exact opposite direction than intended.
-Enjoyed your kid’s birthday party, you cheating bastard? WELL PARTY’S OVER
-I may be a cheating bâtard-
-SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR SELECTIVE FRENCH ACCENT
AW Neo’s ghost making its first appearance and trying to kill Wyatt, what a sweetheart. Welcome to the party!
It was one for the history books!
-How on earth did this party suck, I had an exceptional time.
Yea that’s because you weren’t there, it’s easy to have an exceptional time away from this family. Of course I have never personally experienced it but the mind does race.
-AH at last, my article is published! Oh, editor’s pick too, ha, of course. No, wait, editor’s warning.. As requested by the legal department? Drama queens. “Horrifying views expressed.. Widely discredited.. Not endorsed in any way by this publication.. DERIVATIVE??!!” Well, I know what I’m doing this weekend.
Is it.. rewriting your article?
-Oh, I’ll rewrite it alright. IN BLOOD
Great. Speaking of blood-
-Victor’s thirst for it is back with a vengeance. We went an entire 4 days without a cat fight and I was all like ‘woo new record’ but one thing has become clear since then:
Victor didn’t go away to contemplate shit. He was waiting..plotting..training..and now the time has come for Victor 2: Reign of Blood.
-WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW??
Seems about right. Honestly Sophie is the wisest one among us because she got tfo just in time to miss THIS:
Yea, unsurprisingly fucking Damien here is one vicious screamer. WHAT DO YOU WANT
-YOUR SOULS
Good luck finding any in this house.
-Who’s my cute little spawn of satan? Who is? Come to grandma baby.
-ONE SMALL STEP FOR ME, ONE GIANT LEAP TOWARDS THE ANNIHILATION OF MANKIND
Wyatt continues to do nothing of use all day and is not even getting promoted anymore due to his tragic lack of skill points. Somehow that led me to deciding he should be the one to get the genie wishes, I honestly dk wtf my problem is.
-Greetings, mortal etc etc. I’m gonna skip over the intro, you know the deal with the dealio, 3 wishes, let’s hit it.
-I was expectànt more of an Aladdin flair but c’est bien I guess..
-DON’T DARE MENTION THAT MOVIE TO ME YOU FRENCH ASSHOLE
-Um, oui, your désir c’est my command..Huhu!
-Is one of your wishes the return of your brain, because you should throw that in there.
-Non, non. C’est but one wish in mon coeur, Genié. To nevér, evér have to interact with my bébés but still have beaucoup of them.. In case you can’t tell, I am sim de famille!
-Ugh yea, that much is obvious.
-Well, your wish is granted, mortal! Let me just flick your nose as hard as I can and we’re done here..
-Pourquoi?
-Oh no reason, just for my own pleasure. Buh-bye!
-And with that, he turned into la fumée, mon cheri! Incrediblé!
-I hate my life.
That makes two of us. As in I hate your life too, my life is pretty good.
KOMEI DO YOU MIND WITH YOUR DANGEROUS CURVES, Jojo has a grueling skilling schedule to keep up with.
-So this is it. Rock bottom.
I mean, you wanted to be heir boo, you got it. It’s a dirty job.
Finally one of the Mortal Kombat cats lives up to its name! GET FUCKED VICTOR
-K.O
Well, we all saw that coming. Victor seriously, you’re like 50yo, don’t do this.
-I’m outta here for the fourth time bitches, and this time I’m not coming back! No man is an island but this cat is.
Ok, see you soon.
Wyatt’s wish is definitely coming true, he has not touched Shajar a single time yet, autonomously or otherwise! What a guy.
-I HAVE NO USE FOR EARTHLY FATHERS, THE ONE I NEED AWAITS US ALL IN HELL
It’s gonna be a long fucking generation.
-WYATT. WYATT YOU DAMN MORON WAKE UP
-Ugh Jojό, I told you, my magique protects me from all bébé interactiόn.
-DOES IT PROTECT YOUR TORSO FROM MULTIPLE STAB WOUNDS
It’s a girl! I’m like why stray from a proven formula, so I name her Cyneswith after another Crusader Kings character, who did not exist irl like Shajar but was still a fire emoji empress of Britannia. Welcome to the shitshow Cyneswith! No offense, it was great to meet you, but we have some important shit to do so..have fun on the floor?
FUCKING FINALLY. It’s promotions only from now on boo!
..Which is more than I can say for some people. Wyatt seriously, can you move your useless ass up the ladder already so we can avoid having this freak in our house EVERY SINGLE DAY.
-The boy’s just following his heart ;)
Half Alien Prof you are by far the biggest pervert I’ve ever had in this game and Jojo spent his entire teenagehood trying to start a bdsm relationship with Stephen Tinker.
Well, Victor predictably died off lot, which is so on brand for him I’m not even mad. An insufferable dick to the very end, he lived to eat and to start fights with every animal he ever came in contact with. He only ever really loved Victoria. I’m gonna miss him so much.
Victor may have died, but that’s not going to stop the police department from trying to return him to us. Just remember that that place is under Wyatt’s supervision and it all makes sense.
Can hardly wait, Professional Make-Up Cop.
-I want to play a game, Alegra.
Man is someone gunning to be put up for adoption!
-Papa’s birthday présent to you, Shajar, is us finally meeting! Breathe it in, mon favori, I’ll be seeing you again on your next anniversaire!
-Wyatt I swear to fucking god, I will stab you.
Can we get this going please, I’m in NO MOOD.
Not bad at all! A pretty even mix of Wyatt/Jojo and I see you def did not get the Komei jaw, which is pretty much angels singing.
-Angels singing makes my eyes roll in the back of my skull.
You make my eyes roll in the back of my skull.
-What?
What. I didn’t say anything. Love you Shaj!
-One more for the road babe? After 50 years?
Yea. Just pretend everything that follows has a broken heart emoji before and after each word.
I dress Vic up and have her wait for Death in the living room like a lady, none of those ‘dying in the bathroom in my underwear’ deaths, befitting people like Wyatt. However ideal the circumstances as far as death goes, my heart still broke in more pieces than cats Komei has petted.
-VICTORIA UNION
-Marisa? Is that you?
-NO, IT’S-wow cool armchair, where did you get-no, sorry, you’re dying and all, let me start over..
-VICTORIA UNION, YOUR TIME HAS COME. I’M HERE TO COLLECT YOUR WRETCHED SOUL
-What? My soul is not wretched jerkoff, the fuck you talking about?
-THAT’S JUST A THING WE SAY BECAUSE IT SOUNDS COOL, PLEASE DON’T RUIN IT
-HERE’S YOUR COMPLIMENTARY VIRGIN MARGARITA
-Virgin??? Oh god, I’m going to hell aren’t I?
-YOU WERE, BUT YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER MADE SOME CALLS ON YOUR BEHALF. WELCOME TO HEAVEN
-Yes, I can taste the alcohol in this! GOING GONE, BITCHES. LATES
The stacks of simoleons DID NOT EASE MY PAIN. I do love that Daniel got the most final version of ‘and none for Gretchen Weiners, bye’ possible.
Jojo is fucking devastated and immediately rolls the want to resurrect Vic. It’s bummy af, I’m not even gonna go for the obvious oedipal jokes, he was just crying for days and days and days..
Komei, on the other hand, WAS NOT.
-Eh, I’ll be seeing her soon enough, why waste the tears.
Now that I think about it Komei has never cried about any of the cats either, I think he’s just the type of person who deals with grief by suppressing it. Whatever works.
Jojo and Wyatt are always having these fashion talks whenever they’re eating which are hilarious because I can see Wyatt being into it, I mean he’s french, but in what world is fucking nerd Jojo interested in clothing. Not even that can cheer him up now 💔
Fucking Florence, bringer of doom, returns Sophie to us and the moment she does:
Tell me how am supposed to live without you,
now that I've been loving you so long,
how am I supposed to live without you,
how am I supposed to carry on,
when all that I've been living for.. is gone 💔
FUCK YOU FLORENCE
Jfc the blows just won’t stop coming. LEAVE US ALONE WE’RE IN MOURNING
Time for Cyneswith’s depressing ass birthday which I can’t give less of a fuck about, and apparently neither can Wyatt but then again he wouldn’t even if we weren’t ~back to black.
Loving the hairstyle but it does look ridic on a toddler. Good for you for committing to your british aristocracy character tho, very Downton Abbey.
Well the Komei jaw always knocks twice and apparently we let it in this time. Are you beautiful on the inside Cyneswith?
OH. MY. FUCK. BYE. CYNESWITH YOU FUCKING FREAK
-Huhu!
NO SHE GOT THE HUHU. GOD HELP US
Cyneswith dramatically enters the toddler stage by immediately going into aspiration failure.. You can all guess where this is going.
-KOMEI UNION YOUR TIME HAS COME. I’M HERE TO COLLECT YOUR-
-Yea yea whatever, are my cats waiting for me? If you say no I will literally kill myself.
-I DON’T THINK YOU’RE GRASPING THE CORE CONCEPT OF DEATH, BUT YES THEY ARE WAITING.
-I’M OUT. TELL THE WOLF I LOVED HIM
KOMEI 💔 I’m sorry but we will not be delivering that message.
Apparently Jojo and Komei legit bonded at some point?? I was expecting like a half-hearted sigh but instead we got sobbing-
-and this sum that does not imply ‘least favorite kid’ AT ALL.
Well you know how the old saying goes: nothing will ever replace your parents but a helicopter will come close.
Also in mourning: this breakdancer npc that randomly appeared on our lot and stayed stuck there for 2 days before I finally batboxed her into oblivion. This lot is fuuuucked y’all.
And generation 1 is officially over. Rest in peace Komei and Victoria, legacy founders, horrible spouses and somehow even worse parents. You stuck it out and were fun to play till the very end. I’ll really miss you guys 💔
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there’s gonna be obvious spoilers for the series also trigger warning for rape/rape attempts/mention, cisnormativity and all that shit. I’ll say when it’s coming up. — now bad yaoi anatomy aside, let’s review this masterpiece that isn’t really a masterpiece as you can see this is some yaoi anime called LOVE STAGE!! clearly, since it’s right up there in big pink letters. goddamn that’s bright i watched this a few years ago because some person i knew recommended it to me and swore that it was the best thing ever and even though i didnt really care for it i thought hey, why not give it a shot now let’s just start off saying that this anime is total bullshit so the main guy is the blonde twink here in the glasses.  (is it just me or does it look like his glasses are fogged up and he needs to clean that shit) izumi, or whatever his name is. I don’t know. anyway he lives with his family which consists of well-known celebrities in their big ass house. his parents are actors and they constantly belittle him and push him away from his dreams because they’re pricks he’s an ‘otaku’ aka huge anime nerd, and his art sucks and he’s sweet and weird but pure so come on man don’t fuckin crush his dreams jfc. parents, man he also has a waifu named lala-lulu (what the hell kind of name is that) and has a body pillow of her  the other guy here is a famous actor or something, I forgot his name.  who the hell cares though his new name is douchey mcasshole because thats accurate and I’ll get to why later (and goddamn check out that seme yaoi face a++) –S P O I L E R– anyway they met when the twinks parents were doing a wedding commercial a long time ago when they were kids.  mini douchey mcasshole was supposed to be the one who caught the flowers with some little girl but something happened and that girl couldn’t be there so they were like hey your kid looks like a girl (ugh) so he can fill her place so he did and he was nervous and kept fuckin up so mini douche who wasn’t much of a douche back then gave him a marble for good luck and they got through it they parted their ways and never saw each other again until the company that made said commercial decided they want them back to make a 10 year anniversary reprise or some shit the thing is though, after that commercial mr douche got a crush on izumi but only because he thought he was really a girl and he still fucking had it after all those years, and because he didn’t know and izumi was dressed up as a girl in the first commercial he had to do it again and he didn’t want to but his goddamn parents decided to force him into it like the pricks they still are also while the douche held onto the memory, izumi wiped it from his memory because the majority of it was a terrible experience for him AND he isn’t great at acting anyway so thats great so blah blah blah they get it over with and all that douchey mcasshole still thinks the twink a girl and is actually really nice until okay first let’s introduce this guy  this is the twinks older brother who’s in a boy band or some shit and I don’t like him much because of what he did here but there’s something he’s pretty cool for that’s gonna come up some time after this (also he gave him the lala-lulu body pillow as a reward for getting through that commercial. what a good bro) anyway back to what I was saying –TW FOR CISNORMATIVITY/TRANSPHOBIA TOO MAYBE–
(he isnt trans but still im just being safe here because of the dudes reaction is pretty…. yikes) basically after douchey mcasshole gives him a sweet, heartfelt love confession, izumis brother comes out and proves to him that he’s a guy by proving that he’s got a dick (ehhhhhh) and so douchey mcasshole gets pissed and hates him now for “"tricking”“ him and wasting his time or some bs like that (like i said, yikes) luckily it doesn’t bother izumi that much, but hes still disappointed that he isn’t the nice boy he met 10 years ago then some time later the douchebag realizes that he actually still likes him even though now he knows he’s a dude, so he comes over to get rid of those feelings by burning the fact that he’s a guy into his head so heres when things go to shit –TW FOR ATTEMPTED RAPE/RAPE MENT.– this fucker ends up chasing him around and makes him strip and those feelings don’t go away and instead take over, so tries to force himself on him which is not okay and why I fucking hate him so much luckily though izumis brother comes in and saves the day, thank god  so hes stopped before he can really do anything and leaves out of sheer terror and izumis big bro hates him now and they both lost whatever trust they had for him Izumi locks himself in his room for a while but eventually leaves for school. there he sees the guy at the front entrance or something, the guy notices him and goes to talk to him. flashback time. twink is fucking terrified and RUNS. douchey mcasshole chases him, and izumi thinks hes gonna try that shit he did again. so he kind of escapes, but then some fucking. weird sumo wrestling dudes with animal heads are blocking the way and he can’t get trough (what the fuck)  and yaoi douche catches up to him, then they spin away (I’m done) much to izumis surprise, he isn’t gonna try anything. he bows down on the ground and apologizes, promising not to do it again.  so of course all of his trauma is dropped, he is magically not afraid anymore and forgives him. after this douchey is somehow less of an asshole and acts like a happy cutesy gay guy, and they even go on a date he even helps him out later with his entry for a manga contest thing. and Izumi, the twink, happened to promise his familys manager dude(whatever he is) or his parents or whatever that if he lost he would start his career as a star so of course since his art sucks ass he didn’t make it. poor guy.  (im not gonna lie though. this shit looks worse than the bad anime art i made when i was 11. no fucking wonder he lost) so since im lazy as hell and I don’t feel like explaining the rest of the 10 episodes as a whole, im not gonna do that. skip skip so now he’s finally following his parents footsteps, everyone’s making a big deal about it and he gains popularity pretty fast. as everything’s going on he debates whether or not he has feelings for guys, douchey mcasshole specifically one day he accepts those feelings on that one day he has to hide from something and ends up in an area with this group of creeps.  these creeps saw him on tv before or something, and don’t really believe that he’s a dude so they want to make sure. –TW FOR RAPE ATTEMPT AND CISNORMATIVITY, AGAIN– these guys hold him down, lift up his shirt and see his flat chest and are like aw man, hes really a dude. but then because he still looks cute to them or some shit they try pulling the same shit douchey mcasshole did so just as it’s about to happen again izumi realizes that he only wants douchey mcasshole, so he puts a stop to this and kicks some ass  you go, man. (aw, our little twinkie is growing up) so he escapes, later runs into one of his nerd friends. they were supposed to hang out with some other guys but that didn’t go well since he was chased by fans earlier. and they talk about mr seme and it makes him think of his feelings more or something so he runs off to his house there he knocks on the door, tackles him, kisses him and says he wants to fuck so they fuck and that’s it, that’s the end. they fuck. douchey mcasshole finally gets the ass hes been craving and glasses twink gets the dick. the end, y'all. so what do i think is bs about this? the love interest dude is an asshole obviously, even though he acts like a fucking dork a lot of the time. because of his reaction when he found out izumi was a guy, the fact that he tried to rape him (twice, i didnt mention the second time because fuck that tbh) izumi left behind all of his fear and got over his trauma from what happened immediately which isnt even a thing that happens realistically he also ended up loving his almost-rapist and only truly accepting it when he was about to get gangbanged. and its kind of ridiculous how many times that shit almost happened to him. like, fucking hell, leave this guy alone. he ended up letting go of his dreams like his parents wanted just like that (practice makes perfect, my dude. keep drawing) there are some good things though, the art style is fine aside from the yaoi anatomy and the colors are alright. douchey mcasshole isnt really much of a douche a lot of the time and he does really care for izumi and there were some laughable parts, ive got to admit but jfc those sumo wrestling things, what the hell were they doing there? could they really have been more lazy so anyway i still think its bullshit
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Ace Klaine headcanons
So, I may have rewritten glee/the story of Klaine in my mind three times?
Everything goes as I want it to go - Blaine stays at Dalton edition
Everything goes as I want it to go - Blaine transfers to McKinley edition
Ace!Klaine
And this is the latter.
Personally, I don’t think that Kurt and Blaine are asexual in canon. In fact, I like that they’re so open about the fact that they’re in a sexual relationship, because it still happens too often that mlm relationships are either non-sexual, because Straight People might not be comfortable with it, or that they’re sexual only, only refuting a main problem with Straight People regarding gay pride: them seeing homosexuality (or any non-heterosexual identity) as only sex instead of love.
Then you might wonder: “Well, Yuè, if you’re so happy with Kurt and Blaine being overly sexual in glee, why did you feel the need to rewrite the entire Klaine story with them being asexual?”
Well, m’dude, because being a sex-repulsed asexual in fandom can be quite hard sometimes, so this is mostly for my own sanity and amusement. Their headcanons are based on canon Klaine, some other ace!Klaine fics and headcanons that I’ve read, and of course my own experiences.
Enough talking.
Let’s go.
Although, maybe we need some more talking. tw: acephobia, mentions of rape threat (not in the story, but y’know, “ace discourse”), occasional cissexist language, homophobia, memories of Sadie Hawkins, overusage of the word “bro”.
This isn’t a glee fix, like the first two options. Most of the shit glee pulled them through still happen in this version, although I did change two things for no other reason except for the fact that they bother me a lot. Also, it’s unclear if Finn dies or not.
There’s one moment where unwanted sexual activities happen (I sound like a biology book, jfc), but the moment it becomes clear it’s unwanted, it stops immediately.
Now, for real, let’s go.
Season 1
Glee starts in season 1, guys. We can’t help it that Blaine decided to wait to grace us with his presence until season 2. Just like glee, we will start with Kurt.
Kurt comes out to Mercedes in 1x03 and then to his dad and the rest in 1x04/05. Everything is great, to be honest. He feels relieved, especially since his dad and friends are so okay with it.
Kurt’s like: “Yeah. Dick.”
Only-
In the beginning, he’s in a bliss. He no longer has to awkwardly overhear the girls talking about boys. He no longer has to pretend to be interested in the boys’ girl talk. But something changes.
Kurt loves to talk about Finn’s hair and cute face and his clothing.
The other girls, uhm, rather talk about what’s underneath all that clothing. Why would Quinn share that Finn touched her breasts? Why would Rachel dream about Finn’s junk? Why would Santana do anything (please notice that Santana hasn’t figured out shit yet) at all?
So he googles. He googles a lot and after quite some agonizing nights spent googling, he finds the answer. Isn’t the internet great?
Kurt basically goes through another questioning, but he’s pretty sure he’s all about that ace. He doesn’t tell anyone, though. Not even Mercedes.
He already gets so much shit for being “gay”, what will they do when they found out he’s gay and ace?
So season 1 ends. Kurt’s truly happy and okay, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not out yet.
Season 2
The bullying, just like in glee, gets worse. David Karofsky gets worse- and no one seems to notice. Puck sends him to spy on the Warblers, and just like in the actual glee, Kurt has a hard time realising that places like Dalton exist.
Blaine notices.
So the beginning of the dialogue in 2x06 is the same, that is until Kurt tells him that he’s not even gay- or at least, in the way they think he is. Trusting Blaine and Dalton, he comes out for the first time and it’s liberating.
And Blaine tells him he understands- which kind of pisses Kurt off.
“No you don’t.”
“Yes, yes, I do.”
Because Kurt’s tired of non-ace people thinking that asexuality is the same thing as whatever problem they’re feeling, probably caused by sexual frustration.
“No, Blaine, you really don’t.”
And to Kurt’s surprise, Blaine laughs it off. He’s about to explode when Blaine shows him his right hand. There’s a simple black ring around his middle finger.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Not much changes for 2x07 to 2x13. They become really great friends. Mercedes feels left out. Kurt transfers after his dad’s wedding. Sectionals tie. Flirty duets. Kurt keeps falling more and more for Blaine, whereas Blaine’s an oblivious piece of fuck.
They do get to know each other better. They soon find out that, sure, they’re both asexual, but they’re sooooo different.
Kurt’s pretty sure he’s sex-repulsed. Blaine’s very sex-positive. He just doesn’t feel the need.
Blaine’s pretty chill about people not knowing- as long as they don’t assume he’s straight, he’s okay. Kurt doesn’t want to come out yet because he wants it to be huge, so that people can understand it’s a huge deal.
Later, they’ll find out that Kurt’s dad is overly supportive, whereas Blaine’s family situation is less than ideal.
Kurt, despite not being out, is entirely comfortable being ace. Blaine’s not all the time.
Literally, the only things they have in common is that they’re both homoromantic asexuals.
Kurt gets the confirmation in 2x12: GAP ATTACK!
And then, Rachel Berry throws a party. A party involving alcohol. And Blaine doesn’t question his sexuality, but his romantic orientation. He’s kind of freaking out, because he thought he was sure of himself. That, and the fact that he realises there’s so much more out there. Have you seen the entire aromantic spectrum?
Just like in glee (sorta), he realises that nothing has changed.
Of course, everything in 2x15 becomes irrelevant. Instead of the actual storylines, it’s just them reacting to the Top-Secret Information™ Sue has given them.
By now, they have a code for talking about ace related stuff.
I have an ace hanging on my sleeve,
Which is obviously a pun and mix of “ace up my sleeve” and “[sth] hanging on my sleeve”. Not that being asexual is tiresome (okay, for Blaine it sometimes is), but these are often hard-hitting subjects.
Really, Blaine is so comfortable with sex. Kurt would rather not think about what Blaine does in his room when he’s by himself and he’d also rather not look into Blaine’s browser history.
Sure, Blaine doesn’t do those things because of sexual attraction or anything. It’s a known fact that sexual behavious =/= sexual attraction. It probably relaxes him and he appreciates the intimacy, but Kurt’s just like LALALALALALALALLALA PORN???? HAHAHAHAHA NOPE.
And that’s what they discuss in Sexy. And sure, Kurt gets very uncomfortable, but they talk it through and they once again just get the wake up slap that they’re still two very different people.
Kurt’s happy being around Blaine.
Kurt’s not so happy when Pavarotti dies.
They kiss and start to date (which probably makes Puck cry). They’re of course delighted. Both of them have dreamed about their prince Charming, but they never dared to dream about him being asexual, because they didn’t think that could happen. But it did. They’re not lonely anymore. They have each other and they’re very happy.
Honestly, after 2x16 everything is pretty much the same. They go to the Benefit and confront Karofsky. Kurt transfers back to McKinley. Prom is shit and Blaine opens up about his past and how Sadie Hawkins has also changed his view on his asexuality (again, there’s a reason Blaine’s not always 100% okay with himself). Kurt loses Nationals. Blaine tells him he loves him. They run into Sam and Mercedes and well…
They’re definitely together and they become that obnoxious couple that everyone hates. That summer, Blaine gives Kurt a gift.
It’s a simple black ring.
Season 3
If you watch the transfer scene in 3x01, you know they’ve had a *cough* nice summer together. Blaine transfers to McKinley.
And he lands Tony.
Really, this kid is at a school for two weeks or so, and he lands the lead role in the school musical. He’s killing it.
Artie, on the other hand, doesn’t agree. He clearly tells both him and Rachel that he judges them for having sex and UGH that entire scene is just awful. It hurts Blaine. Of course it hurts him, but it hurts him more than Rachel because he’s fucking asexual, and here’s Artie telling him that he can’t be a great actor without having sex? In fact, he can’t be a normal functioning human without having sex?
He dances in his room, listening to Roxy Music, while telling Kurt everything. Just like Blaine, Kurt can’t stand it, but that’s not the only thing bothering him. Blaine can’t really take a stand against Artie without telling him the truth. Kurt isn’t out yet and he knows that if Blaine starts telling people he’s asexual, they will ask about Kurt.
Remember, Blaine is okay with that. Being asexual is a huge part of him, but he’s still more chill about it. As long as people know he’s not into women, he’s good. He doesn’t mind people thinking he’s gay. When people ask him “so you’re gay?” he politely corrects them and that’s it. When people ask him about his sexuality, he tells them the truth. But as long as they know he’s not into women, he’s got nothing to complain. In his eyes. I get that people *cough*Kurt*cough* feel different about this, but this is how Blaine feels.
Honestly, Kurt not being out for the first three seasons is probably the only semi-OOC part of this story, but I did it with a reason. In my mind, Kurt is not like that at all. He wants people to know, goddamnit. He’s just a bit nervous because he made such a spectacle of coming out as gay (before realizing he’s ace) that he just needs more time to get his shit together.
Sometimes, he must think about Blaine though.
“I know! But I feel like…"
“Feel like what?“
“I feel like I’m pushing you back into the closet. You’ve been at McKinley for weeks and you know that you’re free to be who you are in glee club, but you haven’t acknowledged it at all. They think you’re gay and you think it’s okay.“
“We use it as an umbrella term.“
“Still. I know that you’re not running around with an ace flag wherever you go-” “I should do that, it sounds amazing.” “-because you don’t think your sexuality is the only important thing about you and you’ve always been out with this ‘I literally don’t give a fuck if you know it or not’ attitude, but you cannot deny the fact that this is important to you.“
“Yeah, but I don’t want to push you out of your closet. I know you want to tell your dad first, but it is kinda hard because you came out as gay a year ago.“
That didn’t go exactly as planned, though. Santana gets outed and Burt’s busy trying to take down that awful commercial and of course, he’s talking about his kids shouldn’t be ashamed of their sexuality and how he’s happy with Kurt for being honest and Kurt just blurts it out. He wanted it to be touching and everything, but no. He just said that he’s definitely asexual.
Kurt’s dad replies with: “Hi asexual, I’m dad.”
Which immediately makes the tension disappear. Burt admits that he has no idea what it means and that he doesn’t know how to feel, but that he’s willing to learn. Kurt helps him out.
"So, you and Blaine don’t plan on having sex?"
"No."
"So, every time I yelled that the door had to stay open, it was all for nothing?"
"Daaaaaad.”
After that, he has the courage to come out.
Blaine’s happy for Kurt, but he’s also a bit bitter. Kurt’s dad is so amazing, whereas Blaine’s parents are… not. They aren’t very open about their acephobia, but they simply ignore it. They treat it as if it’s a phase and they’re just waiting for Blaine to “get to his senses”.
“Blaine, you dating another boy? Well, if you really have to, baby.”
“Blaine, you not wanting to have sex? Well, if you believe that’s true then we’ll wait, sweetie.”
It really bothers him, of course. That’s not all. They’re pretty sure it’s not real and that Blaine’s punishing himself for something.
“I think they don’t understand the point of asexuality. Then again, I haven’t explained it to them. I never talk about it at home, because then my mom will go on about how we shouldn’t label ourselves and bla, bla back in my days, we only had gay or straight, why are you making it so difficult for yourself? Do you want to make it harder for you? Why is it so important? Bla, bla, bla…”
But it’s time for more: The New Directions! Kurt loves these kids, that’s true, so he’s happy he finally feels like it’s time to tell the others.
It goes so, so wrong.
Just think of all the worst possible responses to coming out and put them in this moment. There are a lot of glee club members after all. They don’t understand and they’re too caught up in their idea of asexuality that they don’t bother with listening to Kurt.
BUT WAIT. It gets way worse. After Kurt tells them that he really doesn’t want to have sex, the others stare at Blaine with so much pity. They tell him how brave he is and "oh I could never date an asexual” so of course he freaks out and he flat out tells them that he’s also asexual and that they’re all disgusting. The others, still a bit biased, apologise and it will get better, truly, but this was probably one of the worst moments in Kurt’s life.
Why did I do that to him?
It is kind of inspired by the LGBTQ community. I remember thinking I was straight and I always admired the LGBTQ community for being accepting and open and a safe space. When I started to realise I wasn’t straight, I didn’t feel all too bad because I knew that there was an LGBTQ community where people could be themselves. I still love the community, but what a joke. The amount of biphobia and acephobia and panphobia and basically everything against anything that isn’t homosexually gay is disturbing. I was actually quite nervous to post this because of the LGBTQ community calling me homophobic or whatever. “Ace discourse” (aka blogs telling ace people to kill themselves or get raped and that shit) is somewhat normal and that’s a problem. Sure, not everyone is like that, but it feels like the “ace discourse” has gotten worse.
That’s why this happened. The glee club is about acceptance. Kurt never doubted about telling them. It was always such an obvious thing is in head. Glee club is family and they will accept him, that’s what glee club is about. Hell, they just finished an entire week dedicated to Santana (after his brother outed her and got to play the hero, amiright glee?). He just wanted to tell his dad first and that was the hard one. Because, y'know, glee club is a safe space and Kurt will be fine. But that didn’t happen. Is it OOC? Maybe, but the LGBTQ community being exclusive is already “OOC” for a community about acceptance and love and hope.
The glee club does get better. It’s a bit messy at first, but they go back to being #protective (something that would never happen to the LGBTQ community, sorry not sorry). In fact, the Unholy Trinity almost becomes a group of female assassins chasing down Straight People that are idiots.
Life goes on, and so does their relationship. So, remember the sex talk they have in 3x05? I sort of put it after the whole coming out thing. Blaine’s always been more open about being more comfortable, so it’s just them working on comfort zones in general. How far does Kurt want to go when they’re together?
Because when people talk about ace/allo relationships, they always say: “THINK ABOUT THE COMFORT ZONES!” and they’re absolutely right, but that also applies to ace/ace relationships. Hell, even to allo/allo.
There are two (or more) people in a relationship and they’re all different and have different feelings and experiences. You know, Kurt and Blaine talk it through and they’re happy.
Plus, why would you have fun in the bedroom when you can have fun in the kitchen? Burt and Carole come home that day to find the entire kitchen ruined, but at least Kurt and Blaine get to enjoy their freshly baked cake.
Then Cooper decides to visit Lima, and Blaine is low key not so low key freaking out, because he’s never told Cooper about being ace, and even though he’s pretty chill, he really wants to tell him since they’re working on their sibling relationship.
Cooper is one of the many who thinks Blaine’s gay.
Blaine coming out is supposed to show parallels to Kurt coming out to Burt. Both men really want to tell these family members (even Blaine!). Both of them really value the opinions of those family members. Both want their acceptance.
Burt immediately accepts him. He lightens the mood by cracking a joke to make Kurt feel more at ease. Later he admits he doesn’t understand, but since Kurt’s already feeling so much better about it, he’s willing to help.
Cooper isn’t like him. You know Cooper and his mindset. Blaine tells him and just like Burt, Cooper doesn’t understand. But he doesn’t lighten the mood. In fact, he makes it worse by flat-out telling Blaine he doesn’t understand and that he doesn’t really believe him. It’s the more toned-down version of Kurt’s coming out to the New Directions.
"Are you sure, Squirt?”
“Do you really think we’d have this agonizing discussion if I weren’t?”
Blaine has always looked for approval in his family and Cooper is part of that family, but for the first time he tells Cooper. He just tells him that he wants Cooper to know because he cares a lot about Cooper’s opinion. That’s when Cooper starts to realise it is a great deal and that he’s hurting Blaine. Just like Burt told Kurt, he tells Blaine he doesn’t understand (maybe he never will), but he’s willing to learn. Unfortunately by that time the mood is pretty ruined, since Blaine feels like shit. Cooper does learn though, but it was a rough start.
Guess what happens next? You’d expect Chandler, right? Well, you’re somewhat right, but guess what doesn’t happen?
This fucking fight. Neither Kurt nor Blaine is sexually frustrated cause they’re both hella hella ace.
Chandler does exist and since Kurt’s pretty oblivious to flirting and trying to be sexy, he has no idea what’s going on until, just like canon, Rachel confronts him. Worried and freaked out, he turns to Blaine, asking him how he feels about that and Blaine, who’s obviously more knowledgeable about these things, agrees with her. No blee-related overly dramatic and scenic angsty solos needed.
Kurt and Blaine do still have to do the couples counselling thing with Ms. Pillsbury, but there’s no sexually frustrated shit. Blaine’s being distant, like in canon, but Kurt doesn’t go looking for affection anywhere else. Again, no blee-related overly dramatic and scenic angsty solos needed.
That’s it, I guess.
3x18 to 3x22 are pretty much the same. NYADA stuff and the hairgel at the dinosaur prom. And of course Nationals and finding out that the entire season, Kurt’s been nothing more than an accessoire to Rachel’s successful and undeserving storyline.
Kurt and Blaine are happy and in love. Hooray!
Season 4
We know what’s about to happen so let’s get this thing fucking over with.
Kurt and Blaine break up.
They had a great time together during the summer, but they both notice how Kurt’s not really happy. Blaine encourages him to go to New York and they try long-distance. They love each other, but just like in glee, Kurt starts to lose track of Blaine. Kurt’s at Vogue, living the dream and hanging out with fashion icon Isabelle Wright, while Blaine’s running for student president with a former stripper.
But here’s the thing: they’re so goddamn ace. Blaine doesn’t need to fuck a lighthouse in order for Kurt and Blaine to break up, because Blaine isn’t sexually frustrated and tempted to fuck a freaking lighthouse. Praise hallelujah, Blaine does not have to cheat, since the writers thought that was the best way to break up a relationship. It’s so original of them!
Since they’ve always been open and very great at communicating even before they started dating, they decide to break up because long-distance isn’t working. Fuck, Blaine even flies to New York to do this, since they can’t break up over phone and yeah, it shows that Kurt’s life has gone on without Blaine next to him. It hurts both of them, but being together also hurts and love shouldn’t hurt like that. They try to stay friends, but it’s awkward. It isn’t until Thanksgiving, during Sectionals of all times, that they finally talk it through.
Kurt gets into NYADA after all and Burt flies to New York for Christmas. Blaine tags along and it’s pretty clear they’re still into each other, but they know long-distance hurts too much. Despite that, it actually goes uphill with their relationship.
In this season, they obviously have their own storylines when it comes to the ace part: Adam and Sam.
Adam isn’t acephobic. I’ve thought about it, and maybe it’s because I fucking love Adam Crawford, but I didn’t do it. Based on his 6 whole minutes worth of screen time, I came to the realisation it doesn’t fit him. Kurt starts to like him and asks him out. They date and Kurt comes out pretty fast, since he’s all about I’M COMING OUT/I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW.
Sure, Adam isn’t downright acephobic, but it doesn’t go easy. Kurt’s only been with Blaine, a fellow asexual. Adam admits that he has already thought about Kurt like that so Kurt coming out means that Adam has to change his perspective cause that is definitely not gonna happen. It’s awkward and messy and Adam does try to support him. Ace/allo relationships can work out -rightfully so- but this one doesn’t. Adam was great, but not the one true love Kurt’s been dreaming of.
Not much changes about the Sam storyline. I never believed it was more than a small crush and I actually think Tina’s right about how Blaine needs somewhere to put his love, because Blaine craves affection in his own way. Whereas it was random and overly unecessary, I don’t have much to complain. Sam’s been okay with gay guys possibly crushing on him since day one, or 2x04, and that hasn’t changed.
There’s actually more to the Sadie Hawkins plot (since glee totally disregarded Blaine’s past and trauma and the aftermath of a hate crime and bullying): remember how I linked that to Blaine not being all too happy about being ace all the time?
I haven’t gotten into Blaine’s questioning because it never happened on glee. By the time Blaine does grace us with his presence, he’s already out and everything. We never saw what happened before that and Sadie Hawkins is actually the first glimpse to his past. This also ties together with the fact that Blaine doesn’t feel the need to let everyone know he’s ace. By the time Sadie Hawkins happens, Blaine knows there’s something "wrong” with him. He goes to the dance with Logan (I named the guy after Logan Wright, do not judge me) and in his eyes, the physical part of a possible relationship doesn’t excite him as much as it should. Yeah, they’re young and sure, Blaine’s already explored parts of well, himself, but with another person involved? Maybe, but maybe not? And that’s not right, because he’s a teenage boy so he’s supposed to get turned on every time Logan tells him about his dreams and magazines and about feeling grown up while going through them and “wow Blaine there is this site, you should see it…”
He has heard of word asexual, but that can’t be him. He’s not some plant. He’s not religious. All the misconceptions of asexuality float through his young mind and because of that, he simply refuses to be asexual. When he realises that he is, he breaks down. Sure, by then he knows more about it, but he’s not only into men, but also asexual.
And he remembers that godawful dance where a couple of boys kicked the living shit out of him and Logan for being gay. Being gay is already disturbing to some people. He doesn’t want to be asexual as well. What if Blaine had known by then? What if those guys had known by then? What would they done differently, considering they’d give him a “special treatment” to not only kick the gay but also the ace out of him? Fuck, would he still be here? Logan isn’t.
At Dalton, he learns to love himself. As far as he knows there are no other openly ace students at that school, but the environment only makes it safe enough for Blaine to get his shit together. Just like Kurt, he comes out at Dalton for the first time and people support him. He’s home. He starts to love himself and he becomes proud of being ace. He buys himself a ring, puts an ace pride flag on his computer, and continues life. But sometimes in the back of his head, he just wishes he could be “normal”. He knows he shouldn’t think like that, but the fact that those guys still assumed that part of “normality” about him might have saved his life. He knows there’s also a chance that they weren’t going to give him a “special treatment” and that he’s “overreacting”, but sometimes someone’s thoughts and fears can take over their rationality.
NOW HERE COMES THE EXCITING PART ABOUT SEASON 4: THE HOOK-UP.
Well, that doesn’t happen because these guys don’t want to get in each other’s pants or in anyone’s pants in general. Sure they sing a duet and yeah, it’s pretty clear they’re into each other (despite Adam and Sam), but they’re fucking ace.
4x15 to 4x20 are also pretty much the same. Except for Come What May, not much happened for the boys. Blaine’s random crush on Sam randomly disappears, Kurt has a boyfriend pillow cause it’s comfy, there’s a fucking school shooting, I don’t even remember what happened in 4x19 except for Finn going to college, and McKinley loses its power while Isabelle invites Team Bushwick to sing at a ballet gala.
Kurt is back in Lima for his dad and maybe he’ll patch things up with Blaine as well. It’s probably the happiest moment of Kurt’s young life when he hears that his father is in remission.
Now here’s what’s going to happen. Like I said, this isn’t a rewrite of all the shit glee pulled them through, so even the things I wish I could change have to stay.
And like I also said, 98% of the time I follow the rules. I changed two big moments after all because I just can’t stand it at all. Here’s the first.
Yup folks, I am stopping their engagement and future wedding.
I’ve never been okay with it. I’ve thought about keeping it and then I thought about all the possible reason why them being asexual would mean not getting married like that, but in the end I gave up and broke the rule. I could go on about why I can’t stand it and wish it never happened but you know… been there done that. No Liz and Jan (don’t like them either), no ring box behind Blaine’s back, no Burt discouraging Blaine (rightfully), no me flat-out hating Blaine for his delusions and putting Kurt in this position while they’re broken up for fuck’s sake.
And with that, we swiftly move to season 5.
Season 5
They get back together in an elaborate fashion. Since the engagement doesn’t happen (praise hallelujah) Kurt goes home without a ring on his finger. He and Blaine know that long-distance didn’t work out before, and they know love shouldn’t hurt, but in their months apart they’ve gotten lives without each other so they’re less lonely. Don’t get me wrong: they miss each other very much, but they both have great people to rely on and well, graduation is around the corner.
Kurt starts a band and there he meet Elliott. And hey, guess what? Elliott is a very happy panromantic asexual. I remember when the spoilers about Blaine getting jealous of Elliott first came out, people were speculating about Elliott’s sexuality, because what if he’s straight? But other sexualities got discussed too, and this was my favourite headcanon.
Why did I make Elliott ace as well? Because they need more people to talk to. They have each other and that’s great (amazing even). They still tell each other that every now and then they have an ace hanging on their sleeves. By this point, Blaine’s gotten more comfortable with himself, so their ace stories are mostly about their relationship. Elliott shows up to talk about more ace stuff. For Kurt, having an ace boyfriend and an ace best friend is great.
He still turns to Blaine for his ace stuff. When Blaine gets to New York, he does the same. But honestly, now they both have Elliott as well.
But before Blaine has Elliott, the jealousy kicks in. Sure, Kurt won’t ever sleep with Elliott (to quote Kurt about sex: “ew ew ew”), but what if they kiss? Blaine’s pretty sure Elliott is into Kurt.
Again, not much happens for the remaining episodes of season 5a apart from the Elliott jealousy thing: 5x05 to 5x13. Blaine auditions for NYADA and then sings with puppets, Kurt’s band is taking off and they have a small fight, Kurt’s afraid Elliott is taking over the band, Blaine becomes valedictorian, the New Directions lose and gets disbanded. Kurt and the others alumni come back to celebrate the glee club. And voilà, time for season 5b.
Everything is also the same in 5x14, by the way. I just needed to give that its own paragraph, because that episode is my favourite and it deserves love. Klaine was so good in that episode, y’all.
5x15 means that Blaine’s self-doubt comes back once again (see my part about Sadie Hawkins) and it’s heavy for both of them. Sometimes I have a hard time realising they’re both victims of homophobic hate crimes.
The big one is 5x16. I know it’s named Tested, but I’ve started calling it Sexually Frustrated Swordfights, because it’s one of the four sex-themed glee episodes (2x15, 3x05, 4x14, 5x16).
But hey, guess who doesn’t get sexually frustrated?
Kurt.
Guess who doesn’t get sexually frustrated either?
Blaine.
Honestly, the website thing… if it were to happen, Kurt wouldn’t be that mad at Blaine, because he knows why Blaine goes through those things every now and then, and he’s got nothing to be jealous of. There’s no need for an actual sword fight. Jeez, these boys are dramatic.
Kurt’s a bit more uncomfortable in this episode. As Blaine mentions in the beginning of the episode, people are seeing Kurt as a sexual object and not only Blaine’s uncomfortable with that, but so is Kurt. Kurt knows he’s attractive. He has an awesome body and yes, Blaine does jealous of that. He sees men (and women!) check him out on the subway. He feels good, truly, he’s confident.
But he doesn’t like that he’s seen as sexual.
And as I mentioned, it makes Blaine very insecure. It’s not like he wants to be seen as a sexual person either (although, he wouldn’t mind as much as Kurt), it’s just that his body is awful compared to Kurt’s. Or at least, that’s what he believes.
The entire breakdown in the loft still happens. Kurt’s so much better, right now. Blaine’s feeling like shit. Not only because of his body, but after Bash he’s back to hating himself and his parents split up. And then he remembers the good ole Dalton days, where Blaine was Kurt’s protector and mentor. He used to be so strong, and now he’s not.
About his parents… I’d like to think they made amends. I’d like to think Blaine yelled at them for their acephobia.
I did, and whereas it’s not ideal, I’m okay with my family now.
But Blaine’s family has always intimidated him. Maybe now that his dad has left his mum, he feels the courage to at least talk to her, because I believe Pam loosened up after her divorce.
But yeah, Blaine’s in a bad place right now, but together with Kurt, he works on it. Kurt has gotten used to the unwanted attention and when it goes too far, he calls people out, but otherwise he just lets it happen. He’s still in the center of Blaine’s attention, and that’s all he needs.
5x17 to 5x20 is not much. The Ultimate Rachel Berry Pity Party, June picking Blaine over Kurt, Kurt as Peter Pan, Blaine moving back in the loft. Everything is going uphill.
Until it goes downhill.
Season 6
Kurt and Blaine break up after things get bad at home. Whereas I still don’t really get why they did this to them (they were doing so well in season 5b), it happened. Since glee presented them as an unhappy and unhealthy couple, I respect that they needed to leave each other.
(That, and the fact that I knew they were going to get married in 6x08).
Here’s change no. 2: Blaine dates an OC instead of You-Know-Who (not Voldemort). His name is Ryan. He’s part of all three the rewrites. He’s a gentleman. He lives close to Westerville.
Blaine isn’t the biggest fan of Scandals, but you know, he’d just overcome his depression (kinda. It’s still hard on days), he has a job he likes, he’s good, so why not celebrate at a gay bar?
They start to date and it’s sweet. Again, Ryan is a gentleman.
It’s also sexy.
Which is new.
I also have a headcanon that Ryan is one of those bro-bros, since Blaine’s apparently into that out of nowhere (*cough*You-Know-Who*cough*). He has a couple of bros that also adore Blaine. But there’s also his ultimate bro: his best bro.
Ryan likes Blaine, but man, he can be frustrating.
“I don’t know, bro. He’s never really into taking it a step further.”
“Bro, what do you mean?”
“Like, every time shit gets heated, he starts talking about lesson plans or bowties or fuck what, and I don’t think he realises he’s interrupting something. He’s just genuinely excited about bowties while we’re making out.”
“Bro.”
Ryan is older so he lives on his own. Since it’s pretty close to Dalton, Blaine goes there quite often, and without a mother like Pam Anderson around, things can get heated.
And it freaks him out.
He’s always known he’s very okay with these things, but how the hell is going to come out to Ryan? He slowly starts to lose his pride. He doesn’t even know where he left his ring for fuck’s sake.
Is he back to not being comfortable with himself?
Hell, he doesn’t even know.
When things get very serious one day, he just tells Ryan that he’s never done this before and that he needs some time to fully explore everything. Ryan’s a bit confused, because he knows Blaine was in a committed relationship, but he doesn’t ask. Blaine’s told him he’s gone through a messy break-up and that he doesn’t want to talk about his ex. Ryan just assumes Blaine’s ex is religious or he has whatever reason not to have sex he respects that and he respects Blaine.
It doesn’t cross his mind that Blaine wasn’t going to have sex either.
There’s a big time jump between season 5 and 6, so they have time. Blaine’s a bit overwhelmed, that’s for sure, but it feels quite good. At one point, they sleep together (and not just sleeping) and it was really, really good. Blaine enjoyed it.
Back to the bros!
“Bro, I’m just so confused.”
“What is it this time, bro?”
“Like, sleeping with Blaine is fucking great and I’m pretty sure he feels the same, but he never makes the first move. I’m always the one suggesting, bro, it’s been like that since we dated.”
“Just talk about it.”
“But, bro, I feel like there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m pretty sure Blaine’s not teasing me or anything. He just never initiates anyting intimate.”
“Bro, respect that.”
“Bro, I do, but I’m just so confused about that. We like being together. You know, the other day I suggested Netflix and Chill. You wanna know what he said to that?”
“Yeah.”
“He said: ‘I make the popcorn, you choose the movie!’”
“BRO.”
“He wasn’t even kidding. It wasn’t until I told him what I really meant that it clicked for him.”
And Blaine’s freaking out. He feels like it’s too late to tell him now that they’ve slept together. Kurt and Adam didn’t work out. Elliott has told him his relationships didn’t always work out.
By the time he’s completely freaking out, he has basically forgotten about Kurt. Ryan asks him to go to a bar with the bros, and Blaine accepts. Ryan tells him a friend is coming back to visit or whatever.
It’s Kurt.
Well, that is awkward.
Both of them are absolutely floored when they see each other. Kurt was going to text Blaine to meet up, but he didn’t expect to see Blaine like that with a new guy. They try to be polite, but the awkwardness is palpable. Kurt excuses himself, telling the others he needs to use the bathroom (to cry) and that he’s gonna order a drink, and Blaine follows the bros to their booth.
There he tells Ryan and the others about their history. Ryan apologizes. He truly didn’t know. He and Kurt aren’t that close, so they never really talked about personal stuff.
It’s awkward and Blaine’s pretty sure that setting himself on fire would be less painful, but when he sees Kurt, who’s clearly been crying, ordering a drink at the bar, he gets up.
He tells Ryan he needs to fix this.
He doesn’t tell him he doesn’t mean Kurt and Blaine’s friendship or whatever relationship.
He goes to Kurt and he tells them that, yeah, this is fucking awkward, but if they could just put aside their differences for one night because holy shit, Blaine has a HUGE ace hanging on his sleeve and he’s been dying to talk about it.
Both Kurt and Elliott were off-limits (Elliott’s too close to Kurt) and this is going to be painful, but Blaine needs Kurt. He didn’t want to turn to the internet, because he felt like he needed to speak about something like this in person, and he hasn’t come out to his therapist, because he’s afraid she’ll tell him it’s fake and because of trauma.
Kurt tells Blaine to sit down and Blaine tells Kurt everything (occasionally apologizing for more talking about the more sexual details). Blaine’s basically having a breakdown in a public bar while speaking to his ex, knowing that his new boyfriend is probably watching them.
Oh, how awkward.
As awkward as it is, they both know what’s like to feel trapped. Before they met each other at Dalton, they had no one to turn to. Kurt tells him that he needs to be honest with Ryan and that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
“Do not apologize for being yourself, Blaine.”
Kurt takes off his own ring and gives it to Blaine, asking him to return it the moment he finds his own. At that point, Blaine’s probably openly crying, but hey, it’s glee.
Kurt also apologizes for what has happened between them. They actually have a conversation about that, since glee decided to completely overlook that despite having the opportunities.
Blaine’s a bit shakery, but he makes his way back to the booth. Ryan, who thinks they’ve only talked about their break-up, comforts him. Later, Kurt joins the others.
It’s fine. There’s still a little bit of awkwardness left, but both boys feel so much better after their conversation.
That day, Blaine goes home and he finds his ring. He texts Kurt (they never deleted each other’s numbers) to tell him. Ryan comes over the day after and so does Kurt. Wow, awkward again. Blaine gives back the ring, since he’s now wearing his own. Kurt tells Blaine to talk to Ryan.
He does in 6x03, because unlike in glee, Blaine doesn’t get locked in a sheet music store. Blaine is the one who always rushes things, so of course he accepts when Ryan suggests him moving in. Since Ryan already has the apartment, Brittany doesn’t have to furnish it for them. She does stop by to give them rainbow printed decorations, of course.
After the move has been finalised, Ryan obviously kisses Blaine because he’s happy for the both of them. It leads to more- much more. It becomes clear that Ryan is more interested in taking off Blaine’s new jacket instead of talking about the store he bought it at. Blaine’s excited. It’s fun and great and wow.
Until it’s not.
Ryan is more rougher than usual and Blaine slowly starts to realise that this is not good at all. It’s not excitable anymore. In fact, it hurts. So he tells Ryan to stop and since Ryan is still the definition of gentleman, he immediately does.
Blaine’s basically having another breakdown and I just feel so bad for all the shit I’m pulling this kid through. He locks himself in the bathroom until he’s more calmed down. When he opens the door to the bedroom, Ryan is waiting for him, clearly worried. He immediately hands Blaine some pants (such a gentleman) and asks him what is going on and if he can help.
Blaine tells him. Ryan listens and occasionally asks questions, and Blaine tells him he didn’t want to tell him because he felt like he was too late and that he didn’t want Ryan to dump him. To his surprise, the conversation goes well. He keeps restraining himself from saying "I’m sorry” every sentence though, but that’s because he remembers Kurt telling him that he shouldn’t feel ashamed for being himself.
Back to the bros! I love them, since their “bro-ness” is so cringy and unnecessary.
“Bro, I figured it out with Blaine.”
“Cool, bro, what’s up?”
“He’s asexual, bro.”
“What?”
“A-S-E-X-U-A-L, bro. He sent me some links to info sites and it’s fucking huge and interesting. You ought to read it too.”
“Bro, why not? Of course I’ll read that shit.”
Meanwhile, Kurt has met Walter. Whereas a part of me thinks the Walter storyline is even worse that Blaine dating not-Voldemort, another part of me has also never believed they were dating. Maybe I’m naive but in my mind they’re just friends that go on outings that they jokingly call dates after they realise it’s not gonna happen. That’s why he’s still here.
Of course Kurt has told Walter, since Kurt wants people to know. Walter makes a small derogatory joke about how that’s a reason they should be happy they decided not to date. Kurt’s hurt and confronts him about that, since he’s implying that ace people can’t love, and Walter apologizes.
Just like that, they’re both kinda happy living their own lives. It’s still a bit uncomfortable to run into each other, but they will get there. They can’t help it that Sue Sylvester decided to speed things up for her own amusement. Kurt and Blaine are not happy that they’re being forced into physical contact. They’re fine with kissing, but only when it’s with their consent. Sure, when they do kiss, they do it out of their own consent, but in the beginning they’re not happy with their former Cheerio coach.
Plus, those air drugs that promotes sexual stimulation by increased blood flows to the male genitalia don’t affect them anyway.
Yet, in the elevator they rediscover each other. It’s no them trying to fix whatever relationship. It’s them genuinely enjoying being around each other and them chatting as if nothing has happened. Unfortunately, they need to get out. It’s really hot in there (definitely not sexually hot), and Blaine’s not fond of confined spaces. They kiss and get the hell out of there, but the awkwardness of them being exes is no longer necessary.
Which starts to mess with both of them. Blaine’s caught up with his feelings for Ryan and his returning feelings for Kurt. Kurt’s never had any feelings for Walter, so fuck him, he’s just trying to suppress his feelings for Blaine, since he thinks that’s what Blaine wants.
Communication.
Boys, you two used to ace that.
Pun intended.
Although, back then everything was different. They weren’t ex-lovers back then. Hell, they weren’t even lovers back then. Blaine decides to stay away from Kurt for his own sanity, and because he hasn’t really come to his senses about the New Directions. He thinks they no longer want him since he’s back to being a Dalton boy or whatever bullshit. Oh Blaine.
The New Directions prove him wrong, though. Not only is he invited to sing for Brittany and Santana and for a dinner at Mr. Schue’s, he’s also invited for yet another hectic Rachel Berry party. Yes y’all, it’s time for 6x07. Not much changes, if I may say.
Kurt makes sure they sing together and the fishing starts! Kurt’s pretending that he and Walter are very serious and Blaine’s pretending Ryan can be jealous, but they’re both fishing for information. Because of that, they both think that the other isn’t interested anymore.
But Blaine realises he’s very interested when they sing Somebody Loves You together. He needs to leave because he and Ryan and the bros are going to see a game, but woops, he kisses Kurt.
He’s fucked.
After the game, Ryan tells Blaine that he knows that Blaine’s still into Kurt and he tells him to go after him. It’s bittersweet, but both of them know it’s for the best. Kurt, Blaine, and Ryan will stay friends, but that’s it.
We all know who’s waiting in the choir room with Kurt, though: Walter.
Again, Blaine has no clue. He thinks they’re really dating and his heart shatters. At the double-date, Kurt realises that something has happened, but he doesn’t know what.
He starts to get what is going on when Brittany and Santana’s wedding is about to happen. He doesn’t want to take Walter to that fucking wedding. He wants Blaine. He runs after him (Blaine’s back to living with his mum, btw) and they kiss and get back together and guess what?
THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A VERY SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND HOW IT WENT WRONG AND HOW IT AFFECTED THEM AND HOW THEY NEED TO IMPROVE, BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT IDIOTS AND I DON’T FORGET ABOUT SHIT LIKE THAT LIKE GLEE DOES.
Brittany and Santana get married and they cheer for their friends, because remember how I stopped their wedding? Yeah.
Since they’re not on their honeymoon, Kurt helps the glee club with Myron and Blaine’s at Dalton with the Warblers.
After that, things in 6x10 to 6x13 go as canon. DALTON ACADEMY BURNS TO THE FUCKING GROUND FOR NO REASON?? Blaine’s been accepted into NYU. They win Sectionals. McKinley becomes an art school. Kurt and Blaine go back to New York.
Over there, Elliott and Dani are waiting for them. Since Blaine and Elliott go to the same school now, there’s a new version of Glitter Rock Vampire in less than a week. Rachel, Brittany, Santana, Artie and Tina join them, and so do Kitty and Rodrick after one and two years.
And that, folks, is glee.
5 years later
It’s supposed to be the best day of their lives. All their friends and family members are here, but there’s only one thing nagging them.
The well-meaning wedding guests that tell them it’s okay if they want to leave the reception a little bit earlier so that they can spend their wedding night together *wink wink* *nudge nudge*.
It’s as if some of them don’t even grasp the point of asexuality.
They wear their wedding rings on their left hands and their ace rings on their right hands. Plus, it’s not as if it’s that big of secret anymore. In the past five years, they’ve both made a name for themselves. Blaine mostly in the Broadway community, but he’s also a Grammy nominated musician (he lost to Mercedes and he can live with that). Kurt’s an Obie winner for sure, but he prefers fashion and Hummel Brag a bit more, since being an actor means that he sometimes has to act out things he’s not entirely comfortable with.
Both of them have come out on national TV during interviews. Not because they had to. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. They just mentioned it in passing and it’s out in the world now.
Blaine’s even one of the mods of one of the biggest asexual sites and Kurt makes ace pride merch.
But those wedding guests be damned. They’re married and it’s the ceremony of their dreams- with other words, the one glee deprived them off. They’re surrounded by people they love, and there’s a baby on the way.
They’re good.
#lb 2017#ace!klaine#ace!kurt#ace!blaine#klaine#glee#wow this took me a couple of days to write down#otp: flaws and changes#klaine headcanon
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