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slversoul · 3 years

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* lauren tsai, cis female + she/her | you know ramona pei, right? they’re twenty-three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, eight years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to can i believe you by fleet foxes like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool while your lungs are screaming for air, the muffle of a tv from behind a closed door at 3am, ripping your dress as you crawl into your friends window thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is march 6, so they’re a pisces, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( corny :D )

also sorry this got so long :(( really meant to shorten it but uh oh well. let’s get into it shall we...

TW: blood mentions, violence, arson, emotional manipulation, cheating, absentee parenting, parental fighting

ABOUT.

in her hand, ramona held an antique vase, white with blue detailing. passed down from generation to generation, it had been in her family for decades. not wanting to drop it, she held it as tightly as possible. held so tight that it shattered anyway, breaking into hundreds of pieces that cut her hand as they fell.

a trip to china to celebrate graduating college despite having two children in between, patti met a man and had a short-lived but passionate affair, only to return home to find out she was pregnant.

in the middle of a storm, ramona was born into a home longer than it was tall. patti gave her her father’s last name, some shallow attempt to connect her to a man and culture she didn’t know.

ramona’s early years float through her mind like a montage of memories. rolling in the dirt and eating worms. climbing up the trees that shadowed the driveway to their house, jumping from branch to branch. cutting her doll’s hair before cutting her own to match. the first meeting of patti’s new boyfriend. his hairy belly hanging out of his white wife beater as he fell asleep on the couch with the tv on.

patti loved her children. she loved trent, shirley, and ramona with her whole heart, but she was tired. working all day and all night, it was hard to keep tabs on them at all times. the three of them woke up early every morning, singing as they packed lunches, and they kept up with their chore wheel, and they ran barefoot for hours in the woods behind their house.

she first learned to swim in a grimmy lake a couple miles from her house. she’d sit on the bike with trent as he took them there. she jumped right in and paddled her arms until she learned to stay afloat. she’d go under and swim deeper and deeper until her siblings were screaming her name. she’d come up and laugh, knowing that her siblings cared for her.

her first friend was debbie. they were inseparable. holding hands on the playground. playing hopscotch after school. swimming in the lake by her house. as the days went on, debbie made new friends. less and less she was at ramona’s house, eating peanut butter sandwiches trent had made. a thursday afternoon, ramona stole a hershey’s bar from the gas station — deb’s favorite candy. after her mom tucked her in, she snuck out and ran to her friend’s, still in her pjs. she threw rocks at the window, and one was thrown a bit too hard, shattering the window. debbie’s screams woke the whole neighborhood. the cops were called. while she was escorted home, ramona was crying the whole time, confused as to what she did wrong. all she wanted to do was win her friend back.

she felt like she didn’t belong. she’d cut up pictures of her favorite actresses and paste pictures of her own face over theirs, hanging those portraits all over the walls of the house. if she lived like the characters on the tv, she would have to be real. that was real life. there were times when everything felt perfect. the feeling of relief that comes from placing the last piece in a puzzle. snapshot memories like sitting at the table with her siblings, swinging her feet because her legs were too small to hit the ground. her first kiss underneath the slide. running with her friend, crayons in hand as they doodled along the walls. she was inclined to freeze these memories, trying to prolong them and make them last forever.

so when trent left for college, ramona, 13 at the time, hugged him so tight and wouldn’t let go. her mother and sister had to pry her off of him, and she scratched him so hard she drew blood in the process. or when her first boyfriend broke up with her and two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. she took her nail polish and wrote ‘cunt’ on his locker, earning herself a week-long suspension. shirley only congratulated her. her mother was at work. her step-father was passed out on the couch.

she acclimated to high school easily with shirley there to guide her. but she quickly made her own friends. tamra’s parents were hardly home. her house served as homebase. ramona’s parents didn’t realize when she left. they were too busy screaming at each other over the static of the tv. she’d slip out and run to tamra’s, climbing into the window left open. they’d put makeup on like their favorite movie character and get in their nicest dresses, before meeting their girlfriends and boyfriends in the parking lot of the abandoned walmart, making a competition out of who could get the drunkest. they would head home and four or five of them would pile into tamra’s bed and sleep there until late afternoon.

ramona’s first serious relationship was russell. she swore they were in love until she caught him making out with someone else at a bonfire. she pushed him over and ran into the woods. two weeks later, they were back together. he was her dream guy. not even nicholas sparks could write a lead so romantic. he kept pushing her and pushing her because he knew she wouldn’t let go. until one night she got so mad that she smashed in the windows of his car and sliced up the leather interior. fits of rage were rare for her, but when they came around, they were all consuming. she was lucky he didn’t press charges.

life was a whirlwind of change the summer before sophomore year. shirley was packing up for college. patti was getting a divorce and moving them to irving, her hometown. ramona locked herself in her room. she wouldn’t come out for anything. the next day, when she still wouldn’t leave, shirley broke into her room, only to find it empty with the window wide open. a town-wide manhunt ensued, only to find her hiding up in a tree in the woods.

even though she was back home, she wasn’t really there. she wouldn’t speak. didn’t speak until the day shirley moved away to go to college.

despite her reservations, she liked irving. she had never seen the ocean before. ramona stepped up to the shore and looked out at the horizon. peace washed over her as the waves lapped at her ankles. there was a sense of security in feeling so small. she took to swimming in the ocean rather than the lake, searching for sea creatures big and small to befriend.

the tv was always on at their house. her mom couldn’t stand the quiet and neither could she. the house was empty with three less booming voices. ramona clung to her friends, using them as an escape for everything she didn’t want to think about.

surrounded by all of these people, she still felt alone, isolated, like they only loved a certain version of her. when her and patti left to meet trent to visit shirley at school, she cried the whole trip, thinking her friends would talk about her while she was gone, and that they would be closer when she wasn’t there.

but she seemed to always be there, forcing her way into every plan and every activity rather than be left out. it was suffocating, but she was usually kind, so people put up with her.

there were always the times she wasn’t kind. when she’d make passive aggressive comments about what a bitch someone was because they didn’t want her using their favorite eyeshadow. or when someone said they wanted space and she went on a tirade about how horribly they treated her because she didn’t want them to leave her -- a reactionary measure that always seemed to make everything worse. but then she would act out her favorite television episodes for her friends and they would laugh and clap along, forgetting her desperate attempts to fight change.

she couldn’t follow in her siblings footsteps. siblings she hardly hears from anymore, but desperately tries to reach out to. she stayed home and got a job as a swim instructor and a lifeguard in the summer. she sells handmade jewelry on the side. she’s floating and untethered, waiting to see where the tide carries her, only wanting to make fun memories from now until the end of time.

PERSONALITY.

um she’s a bit horrible? her heart is always in the right place and her intensions are good. she romanticizes literally everything. she wants to be loved so badly that she will look past any and all flaws <3. she often acts out because she is scared of losing her friends, and so she’ll be rude and passive aggressive. she wants them to feel like they need her more than she needs them. it’s all a weird power move in a way to keep her friends close. consumed by fomo. sometimes she can be outright mean and aggressive, but she really has to be pushed to her limit. doesn’t ever see what she’s doing as wrong. her older siblings were more of parents to her than her actual parents, and since they were all within 5 years of each other in age, her siblings never disciplined her because they were all immature. she is playful and untamed and just likes to do things because she can’t sit still. can always be found hanging out with friends and doing arts in crafts, or climbing rocks or swimming in the ocean.

HEADCANONS.

she can’t get rid of things. her windowsill is lined with empty makeup bottles and empty deodorants and flowers in old wine bottles. she wears clothes until they literally fall apart. she has a million posters and pictures covering every space of her walls and ceiling. her room is a collection of her life with piles of clothes on her desk chair and bras and sweaters hanging from door handles.

for three months, she wore a bathing suit every day. some days it was under regular clothes and others it was the only thing she wore. she liked it and thought it was fashionable. it was how she was most comfortable.

she can’t drive! only rides her bike!

only wears dresses now <3

cannot sleep without the tv on! likes to hear voices lull her to sleep and inspire her dreams.

speaking of dreams, she has a whole notebook filled with the time she decided to analyze dreams for fun. has a notebook per passion she wants to explore. is always trying new things or researching new things to try to find her forever interest, not coming to terms that she wants to run wild forever and live like a witch in the woods, completely unburdened by anything.

she has a scar on her knee and the palm of her hand. she was hiking up a waterfall with friends one time, and got dared to climb up some slippery rocks. needless to say, she fell and cut herself badly.

she likes laughing and running and swimming. she likes posters and nail polish and cozy comforters. she dislikes being confined indoors and people who go out of their way to be mean and rainy days. she dislikes the color orange and words she can’t pronounce and learning from a textbook. she likes bikes and she doesn’t like cars. she likes anyone with kind eyes.

#irvingintro

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saiilorstars · 4 years

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Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 15: I Don’t Know

/ Previous Chapters /

Fandom: Law & Order SVU

Pairing: Rafael Barba x Original female character

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: There seems to be a lot of things Rafael suddenly stops understanding about himself, especially where Montserrat is concerned. For example, why the hell does he care so much if people don't listen to the fact Montserrat doesn't want to celebrate her birthday?

"Montserrat, you better get going!" Kara exclaimed while Montserrat lazily drank the remainder of her orange juice by the kitchen sink. "Don't you have work or something?"

Montserrat drowned the last of her orange juice then dumped the glass into the sink. She turned to her roommate with hands on her hips. "Yes, why are you pushing me so much? Don't tell me you're inviting Sonny over because that's just too early."

Kara deadpanned her for a good minute before responding. "You're just going to be late. You told me you were dealing with a tough case. You shouldn't waste time."

"I won't," Montserrat promised on her way into the hallway. "I'm just going to get changed then go."

Kara started picking up her own breakfast plate and brought into the kitchen. As she was depositing it into the sink, someone knocked on the door. "I got it!" she warned Montserrat before heading for the door. To her surprise, she found Rafael standing on the other side. "Uuh...should I get Montse?"

Rafael quickly shook his head. "No. I thought she'd be at work by now."

Kara rolled her eyes. "That's what I'm saying. She's running so late today!"

Rafael wished she would speak lower. If Montserrat was still in the apartment it meant she could overhear them.

It took Kara a couple seconds to realize that if he hadn't stopped by for Montserrat, it meant he wanted to talk to her. "What do you need from me?" she asked in confusion.

Now Rafael had thought long and hard about talking with Kara. On the one hand, it wasn't any of his business...but on the other hand, he wanted to help Montserrat. And because he was more inclined towards the latter, he was right there. "That surprise party you're doing for Montserrat next month...maybe it's not such a good idea."

Kara made a face that basically told him he was crazy. "Why would you say that?"

"Because…" And there was the trouble, wasn't it? Rafael knew exactly why Montserrat wouldn't want any party because she told him...but he couldn't tell Kara that.

"Oh God," Kara's eyes widened in alarm, "Does she know about it already?"

"No!" Rafael said fast. "I'm just thinking that since Montserrat's not very comfortable with her age she might not like a party."

Kara instantly calmed and even snorted. "Please. She'll like this party just as she liked all the other parties I've thrown for her. It's sort of our little thing. She pretends she doesn't want a party and then I make her a party and all is well with the world."

"I think this one might be the exception," Rafael said bluntly, his hard look making Kara frown.

"Why would you say that?"

Before Rafael could come up with another lie, Montserrat emerged from her bedroom. "I swear to God if that's Sonny already, Kara…!" she came out of the hallway fixing the collar of her blouse, stopping when she saw their guest. "Morning, councilor. I didn't know you knew where I lived."

"Not that hard to figure out when you have Casey around," Rafael briefly glanced at Kara, both silently agreeing not to mention their conversation to Montserrat. "I just wanted to know if you're working things out with your brother now…"

Montserrat made a weird smile but nonetheless nodded her head. "Yeah, um things are better. Since you and Casey blabbed to my Dad he basically threatened to punish us until we talked. Thank you for that, smart-mouth. Did I mention I really hate that mouth of yours?"

Rafael rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

"I'll be in my room if anyone needs me," Kara backtracked into the hallway for her bedroom, though she was sure neither actually heard her.

"Did you really come all the way here to ask about me and my brother?" Montserrat turned for the living room to get the remainder of her things.

"I was in the neighborhood," Rafael shrugged, eyes still flickering to the hallway. He was sure Kara was planning that party as they spoke.

"Really?" Montserrat clearly didn't believe that for a second.

"Yes, really," Rafael mimicked her tone, flashing her a smile afterwards. "You caught me, though. There was another reason I stopped by."

"And what would that be?" Montserrat picked up her jacket and started slipping her arms into it.

"Your birthday," Rafael watched how she froze for a second then resumed her daily routine. He felt like he needed to do something for her, because he was sure if that party went through and she still didn't want it...it would be chaotic.

"What's there to talk about? It's like a month away and, as I've said before, I'm not celebrating it," Montserrat made a quick show they should leave and only yelled at Kara that she was leaving.

Yet another clue that she didn't want anyone to know about her birthday.

"I understand - halfway anyways - but have you considered your reasons for that?" Rafael followed down the hallway.

"Considered what? It's my birthday, it's my age, it's my decision. I thought you understood the whole 'it's my choice thing'," she sent him a side-glance that left no doubt of where she stood in regards to her birthday. "It's literally your job."

"I'm not being sarcastic here-"

"-and neither am I!"

The two headed out the street.

"It's hardly a thing to get yelled over," Rafael's snap was involuntarily that time. Here he was trying to help but instead he was going to get his head chewed off.

Montserrat took the memo and moved slightly ahead to turn.l and face him. "Sorry. But why do you keep insisting on this? You're not throwing me a party right?" she laughed at the idea.

"I can swear that I am not," Rafael said with a tight smile. "But what about the others? What if they want to give you presents or...celebrate?"

"They won't because only you, Kara - and I imagine Sonny knows now - and I made it pretty clear that I don't want. You all understood and you're not gonna mention it to the rest of the squad, right?"

Once more with a tight smile, Rafael replied, "I will not."

Montserrat smiled cheerfully. "Okay, then we're good. I don't see why we need to keep talking about this...Unless you want to argue with me? But I honestly think it might be a little early for that."

"I'm good," Rafael said since he had no other options at the moment. But you won't be in a month.

~0~

Cameron tyler. The same clueless, rich boy the squad had interrogated last night now turned out to be a possible suspect.

"How the hell did we miss this guy?" Nick, for one, was quite offended the young man had pulled one over them so easily.

Olivia was nearly offended as well, but she was more focused on helping Sarah out. "Cameron Tyler puts himself at the club on Friday night, puts himself in a cab with Sarah, puts himself on her block in Brooklyn."

"Admitting what he can't deny," Fin said the obvious since they had substantial evidence of Cameron with Sarah, including one picture of Cameron holding a drunken - nearly passed out - Sara out in the street.

"But he does deny going up to her apartment," Olivia reminded, irked that it was the only thing they couldn't easily prove.

"Maybe Sarah doesn't remember or doesn't want to admit that it was somebody she knew," Montserrat threw the other alternative out there.

"Either way, we have to tread carefully," Olivia pushed herself off the edge of the conference table. "Cameron Tyler is a smart one. That condolence call? He was trying to get in front of it.

"Because he's a pro," Amanda took a guess.

Sonny purposely hung up his desk phone loudly enough to gather the attention of the rest of the squad. "That was east Hampton P.D. They're not big fans of his." he got up from his desk and move towards the conference table while he explained what he had learned about Cameron Kyler. "A year ago, he was accused of sexual assault by a cater waitress, Celine Dubois. She recanted a week later."

"Recanted?" Nick nearly snorted on the spot. He knew exactly what made that waitress suddenly recant. "How much did that cost?"

"Let's find out," Montserrat got up from her chair to get a head start on the research.

~ 0 ~

One didn't need super powers to know that Celine had been bought out by Cameron to keep quiet on her assault. Still, talking to her didn't lead to much new information. In fact, it sort of brought the squad back to the beginning.

The underground party.

Since Sarah didn't want to speak to any of them, the squad went with the next closest honest informative they could get for their case.

Nicole found herself in the interview room, pouring her guilt to Montserrat and Amanda over giving the watch to Sarah.

"I feel terrible that we gave her the watch, but Sarah was Finally ready to have a good time," Nicole brought a hand to her forehead. "If we hadn't done that...she'd still be on the path of recuperating."

"It's not your fault," Montserrat said for about the third time. "You're not the one who hurt Sarah. But listen, did you know Cameron would be there?"

Even though for Nicole it made no sense bringing in Cameron, she still responded. "No. On a fall weekend, he's usually in the Hamptons."

"Mm, but he knew she'd be there," Amanda said, not so subtly.

"Oh, well... well, he knew we were all going out. I mean, maybe Matthew texted him. I could ask him."

"Matthew, your fiance?"

"Yeah, him and Cameron grew up together. They're best friends."

"Okay, and when did you start working for Cameron?" Montserrat asked, taking note of just how close Cameron was with Sarah;s social group.

"He just hired me this summer. He was a real lifesaver," Nicole said just a bit too relieved. It made the two detectives pause for a second.

"How do you mean?" Amanada finally asked.

"Mm, there was this, uh, party at Cameron's house fourth of July weekend, and I got really wasted and missed my Sunday brunch shift. The restaurant fired me, but Cameron said that he would take care of me," Nicole's missed the concerned looks from the detectives while she went on with her story. "I must have, you know, passed out. Tequila. I'm never touching that again. Uh, I think I fell. I don't know."

"Did you have any injuries?" Montserrat felt like she knew where this was going.

"Uh, sore all over. I, um... I even tore my earlobe," Nicole's hand reached up to her ear as the ghost of the memory resurfaced.

"Was Matthew there?" Amanda felt sick knowing exactly what happened at that party.

"No, he was stuck in California on business, but Cameron found me the next morning, and I was a total mess, but he was great," Nicole smiled so cheerfully, so grateful that it really just made Montserrat and Amanda - as well as those watching behind the one-way glass - want to throw Cameron in jail already. "He gave up a summer Sunday to take me to the doctor."

~ 0 ~

"Look, I know I'm a cop but can I just say I really want to kick Cameron's ass with all my might?" Montserrat didn't bother with the looks of Liv. She knew deep down the Sergeant wished the same.

"Where do I join?" Amanda came to stand beside her, the two almost high-fiving each other.

"It's not going to be easy telling Nicole any of this," Nick's words earned himself a double-take from Olivia.

"She doesn't think that she's a victim. If we tell her, we make her one."

"But if we don't, then we'l never catch Cameron," Fin pointed out. "Plus, she works for this guy. What kind of cops would we be if we let her keep working for her rapist?"

"Not good ones," Sonny went ahead and answered. "Now we can use Sarah to get Cameron to confess because other than her, we have nothing for this case."

"You mean wire her?" Montserrat wondered if Nicole would be up for that after they told her the truth.

"Cameron's guard is still up about Sarah. I mean, he thinks he got away with Nicole, so we get her to wear a wire and maybe we catch him in a lie," Sonny's plan wasn't half bad, and it really was the only thing they could do to get Cameron.

With that, the detectives turned to Olivia with the same expression.

"It's your call, Liv," Fin said, leaving it entirely up to Olivia, much to her dismay.

~ 0 ~

Inside their UC van, Montserrat shifted on her seat while she adjusted the volume of her comms. Even if she wasn't looking, she could feel Olivia's burning stare on their hearing equipment. Even though they had told Nicole what happened to her, and Nicole accepting to wear a wire to talk to Cameron, Olivia still felt like they did more harm than good to Nicole. It was guilt that would subside once they saw Cameron behind bars, but it didn't make it easier right now.

"Cameron just pulled up," Amanda informed the others who were parked near Cameron's apartment. They were to quickly go in to arrest Cameron once they had what they needed.

Olivia moved towards their desk to speak with Nicole one last time before things got started. "You ready, Nicole?"

There was a long minute of silence before Nicole answered with a shaky "yes".

Still, Olivia gave indications for the others to be ready in case of anything.

Cameron had come in with his girlfriend but sent her off to speak with Nicole. His casualness began to fade once Nicole touched base on the Fourth of July party he had. It was the first sign of confirmation for Nicole that he was guilty of her rape.

Instead of stopping her, it made her more determined to get the full confession out of him.

"I'm pregnant," the words left her mouth before she could truly think about it. However, it didn't seem like it would be a mistake considering Cameron's face paled in that minute. It got worse for him when flatout told him it was not by her boyfriend-fiancee. "I think something happened to me at your party.. Did you see any guys with me?"

Cameron's desperate attempt at casualness was revolting. "Uh, yeah, some. I mean, by the time I went to my room, you were pretty sloppy, flirty."

Nicole swallowed the urge to slap him right there and then. She crossed her arms in an attempt to help herself. "And then you just found me the next morning, naked on that lounge chair?"

"Yeah. Yeah, you were passed out cold."

"Okay, well, I guess that I'm gonna need the names of all the guys at your party."

Cameron stiffened. "What? Why?"

"Well, for a DNA test, because one of your friends must have had sex with me while I was passed out, so I'm gonna need their names."

"You don't need their names."

"What do you mean?"

"Look, you were really aggressive with me…."

On the other end of the wire, Amanda snorted and looked at the others. "Did he really just say that?"

"C'mon Nicole," Montserrat hoped the young woman had the restraint to let Cameron keep going. "Afterwards, she can smack him and throw a lamp on him."

"Gonna pretend like I didn't hear that," Olivia warned, but everyone knew she agreed.

"We had sex?" Nicole demanded to know from Cameron. "You and me? We had sex, and you didn't tell me?"

Cameron stuffed his hands inside his pockets and shrugged. "I figured you knew. I thought you were cool with it. Besides, I wore a condom, so I really don't see how-"

"Were there any other guys?"

"No, no, no. Everyone left. It was just us. Maybe this happened at a different party."

Nicole knew she was getting him. " Well, we can do a DNA test, because I need a screening anyway."

Cameron almost gaped on the spot. "You're gonna keep it?"

"Well, I really haven't thought about that. I don't know what else to do, 'cause Matthew, he'll leave me."

"Matthew doesn't have to know. I'll take care of this. Of you. Not just for the procedure, but the stress of it. This never happened."

Nicole pushed further, because it was right at the tip of his tongue. "What never happened? I was too drunk to know. I had bruises. My earlobe was torn."

Nicole felt her skin crawl when Cameron grabbed her arm. "Shh. It's okay. I'll take care of all of this. I'll wire money into your account-"

Nicole shook his hand off her. "Do you think that if you pay me, I am not gonna tell people that you took advantage of me?"

Cameron raised an eyebrow, looking almost offended she was accusing him. "Hey. It wasn't like that. You were all over me."

"I was passed out cold!"

"Did Sarah put you up to this?"

"No!"

"Does anybody else know?" Cameron inched forwards, making Nicole step back.

"No. Of course not!"

Cameron just barely grazed her arm when his front door was forced open. "Cameron Tyler! Police!" Finn's voice echoed in the living room as he lead the way inside. "We have a warrant for your house, your phone, your computer - and did we mention you're under arrest?"

Before Cameron knew it, Nick had cuffed his hands to his back. "I want my lawyer right now!"

"A little late for that," Sonny gave the nod for Nick to start dragging Cameron out.

~ 0 ~

Being the bearer of good news felt good - at least that's what Montserrat kept repeating to herself in order to lift her spirits. Whilst they'd interrogated Cameron - until they had concrete evidence of rape - she'd gotten a call from Casey with some plans for the night she wasn't particularly looking forwards to. Sonny mentioned to her she was looking pretty down despite the win they had that day.

"Just personal problems, Carisi," she mumbled and led the way into Rafael's office. Sonny knew that when she went to last names it was for a upsetting.

Together they presented their fine work for their ADA and hoped to get his confirmation that they could call it a done case.

"But Sarah's still not talking?" Rafael managed to point out their one flaw in the case. The two detectives slumped their shoulders. At the sight, and knowing exactly what he'd done, Rafael smirked. "You did well. And we don't need Sarah's cooperation with everything you've got. It's a done case, detectives."

"Hm, so Amanda was wrong? There's actually something that makes you happy, Barba," Sonny was met with a deadpanning look from the ADA.

"You mean besides the coffee?" Casey's sudden input to the conversation made them glance at the doorway. The ginger ADA stood with a proud smirk on her face. "And sometimes not even that."

If Rafael was deadpanning before, he was glaring now. "Let's not go down this road, Casey."

"Oh, calm down," Casey waved a hand at him and walked further inside. "I just came to collect my cousin. You ready?"

Montserrat barely shrugged her shoulders. "Sure, I guess."

It was clear as day that whatever they had going on, Montserrat didn't want any part in it. Still, Casey tried to act as if she didn't notice.

"Gael and Damian are coming to pick us up in five. You said you didn't want to change, but I-"

"I'm good how I am. Let's get it over with," Montserrat walked towards the door, almost pushing Casey in the process of her quick pace.

"You don't need a minute to freshen-"

"NO! Let's go!" Montserrat practically shouted before leaving, not even looking back to see the reactions of the others. She met Kara just outside the building, looking far too cheery for this night.

"Hey, why the face?" Kara asked as soon as she saw Montserrat's glare still lingering on her face. "It's your early birthday dinner-"

"-I know-" Montserrat tried to say but Kara was so clueless that she just went on without noticing Montserrat's clear intent of shooting the dinner down.

Casey had tight lips and that was only out of courtesy and understanding for her cousin, otherwise the lawyer side of her would've taken over. "Okay," she said quietly and looked at the two men with her.

"Should someone go see if she's okay?" Sonny asked while Rafael just stared at Casey. He was examining. "I fear for Kara."

"She'll be okay," Casey said fast. "You're relieved, detective."

Sonny playfully rolled his eyes. "If I get my head chewed off in the morning by her, I'm coming back for you."

"You know where to find me," Casey made a motion for her office.

Sonny bid goodbye to her and Rafael then walked out. He had half a mind to go check on Montserrat but he thought maybe he'd just anger her even more. He'd noticed on the way here how quiet and reserved Montserrat had gotten, and he just couldn't figure out why. Hopefully he'd learn soon.

"Family or friend plans?" Rafael suddenly asked Casey, startling the ginger out of her thoughts. If she'd been more alert, she would've noticed he was still examining her.

"Both," Casey turned to his desk. "Kara and Damian are like family, so…"

Rafael have a nod but he wasn't quite convinced it was just that. "And yet Montserrat doesn't seem too happy about your plans."

"It's just dinner-"

"-don't belittle my intelligence, Casey," Rafael flatout scolded her.

"I'm not lying! It's a birthday dinner!" Casey exclaimed then suddenly realized she didn't have to explain herself to him. Of course by that point it was too late to stop talking. "Gael and Damian are going away on a business seminar and they don't know if they'll be back by next month."

Once again it was the birthday topic had returned.

Rafael pushed himself up from his seat and gave Casey that sideways tilted stare that said he knew there was more. "Montserrat explicitly told me she did not want to celebrate her birthday at all. she doesn't want any mention of it to anyone who doesn't know. So…" he started moving around his desk, very watchful of Casey's subtle shifts on her feet, "... If Gael, Damian and Kara are so intent on making birthday celebrations it's because they don't know that Montserrat doesn't want to celebrate her birthday. She never told them anything. But you know," he leaned against the front of his desk, arms crossed and with a full-fledged smirk on his face. "Or else you wouldn't be giving me that look right now that's basically telling me to shut up. Did I get it...or did I get?"

Casey rolled her eyes. "This whole confident thing you carry with you is kind of annoying sometimes. And when I say 'sometimes', I really mean it's annoying all the time."

"So I'm right," Rafael's response only irritated her even more. "You know-" he pointed at her, "-why Montserrat doesn't want to celebrate her birthday. She told you."

"And she told you nothing so this conversation shouldn't even be happening," Casey warned him to stop before he crossed a boundary.

"But I'm not asking any questions about it, am I?" Rafael pointed out and made no attempt to get even a clue from her. "I know all about boundaries - it's part of my job. So believe me when I tell you that I have no intention of sneaking around trying to figure out what Montserrat is hiding because it's none of my business."

Casey looked him over with newfound curiosity. "If that's not your intention then why are we here? In fact…" she took a few steps towards him, "...why bring this up? If you don't care, which I've seen when it's real, why are we discussing this?"

Oh, now she'd gotten silence. That was rare.

"You're a confident smartass so what the hell are you doing?"

Casey made a very good point, but if Rafael was honest, he wasn't sure of the answer. He didn't know. He just knew that it irked him seeing people try to force something on Montserrat when she made it so clear that she didn't want it. Perhaps it was similar to his job, but it didn't satisfy him.

He just didn't know.

#svu #rafael barba #ocapp #ocappreciation #rafael barba imagines #rafael barba fics #svu fanfic #svu fic #svu imagines #oc: montserrat novak #fic: dare to forget me

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hollenka99 · 4 years

Text

The Creator

Summary: When Sean discovers he has the ability to bring his characters to life, he wasn’t expecting to be shunned by them or for it to lead to tragedy time and time again.

Warnings: Blood mention, implied death (including children), kidnapping mention

Sean wishes he never went to Max's house that night. It wasn't any fun. They were just really mean to him and he didn't like it. It's not like he didn't try to stay awake. It was a dumb anyway. His mother asks him if he'd like her to speak with Max's mother. He tells her no. In response she encourages him to stop moping about if it wasn't that bad. Well, fine then. Max sucks and Sean can make a way better friend than him any day. Right, what kind of qualities should a good friend have? He should be kind always, never teases him in a mean way, be willing to be there for him and want to join in with his games. For the hell of it, Sean adds 'never sleeps' to the criteria. This imaginary friend is named Jack, after the family nickname. Having been moulded into the 6 year old's interpretation of a perfect friend, Jack becomes a concrete part of Sean's life. Jack is always there when he gets home from school. They mess around in the woods near the house, complain about homework together and share a great deal of laughter between themselves. For years, his parents and siblings brush it off as him being a little boy. However, Sean is undeniably getting older. With each birthday, having an imaginary friend is increasingly becoming something he should outgrow. And he is, somewhat. It's just that Jack feels so real to him. But his friend understands. Sean is no longer 6 and it is time for him to gradually mature. He gets crushes, makes his way through secondary school and decides he may have made a mistake with his original degree choice. Through it all, he's maintained an interest in video games. So screw it, there is a place for gaming content on YouTube. What does he have to lose? This damn cabin doesn't exactly allow him many opportunities to socialise with those outside his family otherwise. He goes by Jacksepticeye on the website, harkening back to a nickname he gained following an injury years before. Months pass and it is soon July. To his surprise, his channel's subscriber count reaches 1000. He's delighted. That was 1000 more than he'd ever really expected. He films a vlog to mark the occasion and thank his audience. Something he'd expected even less than his sub count was his doppelganger, complete with an identical outfit, collapsing in front of his television. Regaining composure after getting to his feet, the clone speaks. "Um, hi Sean." "What the fuck? Who are you and why do look like me?" "I'm Jack." "Okay. Hello Jack. What the hell are you doing in my living room?" "No, Jack as in... Jack. From when you were a kid." Sean stands there, no words coming from his mouth. He seems to remember himself after a minute. "But you're imaginary. You were an imaginary friend, it's kind of in the name." "I guess that's changed." Jack shrugs, obviously as lost as he was by this unique situation. Sean falls back onto the sofa. With his hands in his hair, he lets out a deep breath. Jack gently sits himself on the other side of the sofa. Not bothering to lift his head, Sean opens his mouth. "I'm going to be honest. This was not how I imagined my day going." "I didn't think I'd suddenly come to life either." Sean leans back and their eyes meet. A beat passes before they both descend into laughter at the absurdity of it. That summer is phenomenal compared to his previous expectations for it. He introduces Jack to so many things that he usually took for granted. They eat more tubs of ice cream together than was healthy, don't allow a week to pass without a competitive gaming session and occasionally wander about in the woods surrounding the cabin. There was apparently a whole other world with people Jack haphazardly described as 'the NPCs to my main character'. Their faces were probably based on people Sean had walked past in the street. There was this completely separate world and the entry point was simply lingering outside his cabin. It was inconceivable. When he gets the courage to venture through the gateway, he discovers it's actually a bit remote. Isolated, like his cabin is. Jack helps him laugh it off. Besides, he couldn't be expected to be creative with his literal worldbuilding if he didn't know how he was doing it in the first place. Jack introduces him to a friend who was like him. This Australian guy called Angus Irwin tags along to a hang out session. Here was this person, standing right before him, whom he was entirely responsible for creating. By messing around in Far Cry 3 and putting on a dumb accent, he'd created life. What the hell was he capable of? The three of them are firm friends by the time the local trees have suffered a significant loss of leaves. He and Jack gradually become the joint face of the Jacksepticeye channel. For some reason (Jack cited Sean's 6 year old self for this) his doppelganger didn't sleep. This was actually very beneficial for him because he could edit while Sean slept. God knows Jack complained enough about his sleep schedule. When he gets announced as a winner of Pewdiepie's shout out competition in September, Jack swings by to congratulate him. Along with Angus, the trio spent the evening celebrating this bizarre occasion. There was a lot of work he'd have to put in to keep the momentum going but Sean knew it would be worth it in the end. The colder months fly by after that. Jack had never been particularly affected by the cold before. However, now that he could feel it, he suffered the consequences of not wearing enough layers. Jack detesting the cold is funny to Sean, especially after how much his friend thrived in summer. Angus wasn't used to the lower Irish temperatures either. He helped them stay warm as best he could. That goddamn cabin with its internally forming frost didn't help but still, he tried. He jokes he should conjure up more radiators for Jack and Angus' home despite not having the faintest clue how to actually do so. As the new year approaches, Sean realises he never gave Jack a birthday. They could have celebrated in November because he is maybe 90% sure Max was born during that month. Therefore, Jack would have been initially thought up during November 1996. But Sean had no idea what the specific date of creation was. Not to mention November had already passed anyway. There was that date in July but he wasn't sure he should pick the anniversary of Jack becoming corporeal as his birthday. At a loss, he goes for the day he associates with birthdays the most. Who says Jack couldn't share his birthday? He blanks on what to get his friend. He's not sure where he gets the dumb idea to let Jack experience hot chocolate for the first time as a birthday treat. Jack gets understandably frustrated by this ban on the drink. It pays off when Sean gets to witness the wonderful sight of his friend enjoying hot chocolate. Lost on what to give Angus for his birthday in early April, he approaches Jack for ideas. His friend suggests getting a toy leopard and jewellery that can fit on the animal. Sean can't help but question the odd combination. When Jack explains leopards love jewellery, especially the gold digging females, it's as if these were widely known facts. Sean had been bullshitting when he'd spouted that nonsense. Jack reminds him it was factual to Angus. Oh alright, fuck it. Let's present Angus with a jewellery loving leopard on his birthday. As predicted, the Australian wildlife man greatly appreciates the gift. It's late summer once more when Sean's problems begin. Jack mentions being concerned about their friend's changing sleeping habits. Then Angus' memory gradually starts suffering. Throughout 2015, Angus gets worse. Jack's always had a big mouth. He tends to speak before he truly thinks things through. Sean's technically to blame for that. However, it hasn't been much of an issue until now. The first time Jack brings up potentially finding a way to reverse whatever was affecting Angus, he hates to reject him. The painfully dejected look in his best friend's eyes breaks his heart. He wants to help, he really does. He just can't. Not long after, he spends an hour or two looking for a game with an open world. Perhaps he could put on an Australian accent for the anniversary of the character's first appearance. Nothing comes up. Life gets in the way. Sean abandons the search for a while. Jack never allows him to forget for too long. What starts as "I'm worried about Angus" soon morphs into "Angus only called me Jake once today". The longer it goes on, the more desperate Jack gets. And angrier. Sean has never seen such frustrated fury in his friend. He wishes he never had to. He's not even sure if he can call himself a true friend anymore, given how much he's already failed them. The cycle of attempting to find a solution and putting it on the back burner due to no leads continues. As do the arguments with Jack. Contrary to popular belief, he is putting in the effort. The main problem was he never seemed to have anything to show for it. He still cares for Angus too. The reason he wasn't visiting their home as often was because he didn't always feel welcome. As was in Jack's nature, he kept forgiving him. He'd say it was fine and Sean would agree for the sake of it. But it wasn't fine. He is beginning to forget when the last time things were 'fine'. Following some filming with Ninja Sex Party, Sean is excited to dress up as a superhero for a bit during a Welcome To The Game video. Jack is just as pleased to make a new friend. Jackie is a surprise, his young age even more so. He was 16 and, as far Jack had told him, brimming with excess energy. The new arrival had been a shock for Jack too, apparently. The most he could offer the kid last night was a can of Dr Pepper and some custard creams. Shit, this was new territory. He hasn't had to deal with a new ego in years. Jackie's age causes conversations about school and whether the boy would need an education in the first place. Sean doesn't necessarily see the point. Was Jackie currently the only minor in their world? Because in that case, has a high school suddenly popped up to accommodate a single student? Even if Sean created a character with children at a later date, the kids would probably be the wrong age group to attend school with Jackie. If it was that important to Jack to see the young superhero have an education, he would have to do it himself. Being home-schooled would also allow Jackie to do his job. Attempts at being responsible aside, he ensures Jackie knows he can come to him if needs anything specific. Naturally, he gravitates to Jack as his adult role model. Sean doesn't mind. They live together and Jackie therefore has easier access to him. But Sean is still there if the need arises. A month later, he buys a cheap cat mask that covers half of his face. It was something to use once and forget about until you throw it away in a big spring clean. The magic set was the same, only with extra smaller parts. The video is nothing spectacular. All it entailed was him messing around with the box's contents before switching to decorating the mask. The last thing he was anticipating was the creation of life. Although, by this point, perhaps he should have. Besides, he hadn't even given himself a name. It was just 'Jack the Magnificent'. Jack comes to rectify this oversight a couple days later. He explains he'd made the suggestion the night of Marvin's arrival. The box had the name on it so why not let the new ego make it his own? The main issue Jack had with all this was that Marvin had not been planned in the slightest. With Jackie, there'd been some preparation. Neither of them may have foreseen his creation but at least there had been a name and outfit. All Marvin had was a mask, plus a name that was already taken. "This better not happen again." Jack privately demands. "I don't want another Angus. God knows you're not going to help." Jack swings by at the end of August to inform him Jackie's in hospital. He'd gotten stabbed while confronting a thief. He was fine, recovering well and all that but he thought Sean might want to know. On the subject of requiring medical care, Jack brings up the idea to have a doctor ego. Just someone who understood their unique situation and could also take care of their health. Oh, oh yeah. He can totally do that. He'll need some things for the video so give him a chance to prepare but definitely, one doctor coming right up. He feels somewhat dumb playing Operation as if it were a serious procedure in this cheap surgeon's outfit he bought over the weekend. And yes, even he can admit the 'German' accent was atrocious. Half of what comes out of his mouth is bullshit. If this works as intended and he creates an ego from it, this guy is sure going to be interesting. He pretends to be distressed over Peter's death. Then it hits him that Dr Schneeplestein probably won't appreciate him killing his friend and personal accountant. He could try refilm it but he doubts he has the time. Fix it through editing? Sure, but then it might be obvious that there was another part. Alright fine, maybe he'll just have to deal with the consequences. Dr Henrik von Schneeplestein is indeed an interesting guy. A married father too, which surprises him. Not only has he made the doctor, there is a new family of 5 in the egos' neighbourhood. One of these days he'll know what he's doing with this creation thing. For now though, he thinks it's very cool that he managed a 5 for the price of 1 deal. Henrik himself is intelligent and if Sean was more knowledgeable on certain topics, he's sure they'd be able to share thoughtful conversations. Either way, Henrik was incredibly busy with his professional duties and personal commitments. It was understandable that neither had much time in the day to sit down and truly get to know one another. For the hell of it, he throws in a little extra into the egos' characterisation. They can't die. Or, to be more specific, they can't die for long. Jackie gets stabbed and bleeds out? Easy, just deal with the wound and he should wake up after a while. What this means for Peter, who knows? Sean is secretly thankful when the accountant isn't granted life. That's one less person to keep happy. Like seemingly everything ego-related he does, it backfires. Within a year, this failsafe will have caused more suffering than hope. Sean isn't to know. However, he convinces himself he's done the right thing for once. He sure as hell knows how much trouble it's going to cause him if they don't believe that too. Sean makes an irreversible mistake in the October of 2016. The entire month, he has glitches sprinkled throughout his horror game videos. He gets so caught up in the teasing and build up that he doesn't contemplate how this will affect the egos. Worse yet, he recklessly allows Jack to film the Halloween video. Sure, he would have used a bit of red paint if it had been him filming. But since it was Jack? He doesn't want to imagine the scene Jackie discovers. God, he can't believe he's been so thoughtless. Signe has to encourage him to bed before he manages to rack up over 24 hours of being awake in one go. Resurrecting the dead is exhausting, he finds. He postpones visiting Jack for a day before realising his avoidance is likely making matters worse. The dread cumulates to the point he swears he will be sick if he doesn't actively focus on his breathing. The loophole he made in September might have ensured nobody died permanently but it never mentioned scars. It's not visible behind the bandages but he knows it's there. Jack is pissed off. Rightfully so. Matters worsen even more after Jackie vanishes while attempting to get away from their fighting. It's just another thing that's ruined the egos' perception of him. If he thought the hill Jack was ready to die on was Angus, he's got another thing coming. There's only so much he can take before he has to force apathy for the sake of his sanity. He understands he can't control Antisepticeye. Once this situation is dealt with, he vows, the demon will never be used on his channel again. The subscribers' love for the character will have to ignored. It's too risky to play Anti again. He puts the red suit on again. In the short video, only a minute or so in length, Jackie sprints through poorly lit corridors to the exit. Sean acts scared and looks behind him frequently as he runs. It is uploaded privately. His community didn't need to know anything about this. He hopes with everything he's got that it works. Nothing. For days, for weeks, for months. Sean doesn't bother letting the egos know what he'd tried to do. It's guaranteed Jack and Marvin would tell him to try harder. He has no idea what that means in this context. Christmas passes without incident. As does January. In February, he celebrates his 27th birthday alongside Jack. It's a day devoid of resentment. Sean had almost forgotten that was allowed in their friendship. He exaggerates his dissatisfaction about getting older. In response to this, Jack smears the frosting of his slice across Sean's face. 'Accidentally', of course. Just as accidentally as Sean reciprocated the action. Signe humours them by taking photographs of their new cake-based look. The next time they are hanging out in Jack's room, he notices a picture from that day is in a frame on his friend's dresser. "What's this about?" "Oh uh, this is going to sound dumb but... I like being reminded it isn't always so rough between us." "No. No, I get it. I um, I feel the same way. That day was great." He glances at the image once more. He lets out a humoured scoff. "Maybe I should save your dumb face to my phone." "Aww, wow, I knew you loved me really." Jack puts his arm around his shoulder. A playful shove. "Fuck off." In an emotional slump during April, he buys a bunch of Lyons boxes and mini chocolate eggs. It's just a parody of Dude Perfect from someone with zero accuracy. Then he does the stupid thing and creates life again. Fuck it, his wife hates him and he may never see his kids again. Chase Brody's depression causes him to pretend to shoot himself before the end card plays. When Jack calls him and demands to know what the hell he was thinking, Sean has no answer. It turns out that when the ending translated into Chase's reality, he'd actually shot himself in the head. Fuck. Afterwards, Jack doesn't provide his creator with any updates. Insisting he has the right to talk to Chase only makes him more hated. Despite having never met before, Chase already resents him. The next time an ego is intentionally created, Sean's going to be there to intercept them. They're not going to enter that home and have their opinion of him influenced by people who wished he wasn't in their lives. The next new guy would be given a fair chance to see Sean for what he was. A massive screw up when it came to the ability he's unsure how to master. But in no way was he some villain. August is around the corner when Jack asks to visit. The two of them seem to be on the same page that day. Sean is more than happy to hang out and cheer him up. Believing Jack would be empathetic, he begins a conversation about how the YouTube algorithm was bothering him. Over three years of working as a duo on the Jacksepticeye channel meant Jack should understand where he was coming from. But, of course, his friend makes it all about himself and his own problems. Why wouldn't he? It's what he usually does. They argue because apparently that's the only way they communicate with each other nowadays. Jack sure knows how to pack a punch. Being friends with him shouldn't be such a struggle. Sean snaps. The emotional fatigue of trying to keep up with the algorithm and all this fighting causes him to make one of the worst decisions he'd ever go through with. If Jack wants him to be the bad guy, fine. Sean would be the bad guy. Just this once, he'd actually be the asshole. "You want to sleep, I'll let you sleep." He threatens when Jack begins walking off mid-argument. "Bring back Jackie. He's been missing for months. Do something!" Jack flings viciously back seconds before he marches out the door. He can tell Signe regrets asking him how the gaming session went. He dresses as Schneeplestein as soon as he finalises his plan, pretending he aims to save a version of himself in Bio Inc Redemption. He loses. Oops. He acts as he feels the real Schneeplestein would, desperate not to watch another patient die. He sends the video to Robin for editing. The final uploaded product is nowhere near what he'd recorded. His audience are all talking about Anti. They were praising him for his acting and Robin for his editing. But... he never included Anti. Any recollection of filming the final scene was non-existent. And the parts with Henrik getting possessed weren't him either. The more he thinks about it, the further the terror sets in. Over the course of years, Jack had chipped at Sean's mind until he cracked. It had only meant to end with Jack slipping into a coma. Just a chance for Sean to focus on his own problems for once. He would have gotten Henrik to wake his patient up when Sean was ready. God, he just wanted peace for a change. It was never meant to happen like this. Marvin ever so pleasantly greets him with a "Fuck off" when he tries to visit Jack. He supposes he deserves it. But he didn't come here just to back down at the first sight of opposition. He may have caused Jack to be in that coma but, as his friend, he was still entitled to a visit. He has to push past Marvin just to get in. "Leave right now before I make you regret it." Marvin tails him through the corridor. "Hey, listen, I'll be the first to admit I fucked up big time-" He says over his shoulder. "You don't say." "But he was my friend too. I am seeing him whether you like it or not." "Well, I don't like it. And this is my home. So get out." Fed up to the back teeth of Marvin, he halts to whip around before lashing out. "We both know a bad mood on my part can spell disaster for you. That is how we got into this situation is the first place. So I would watch your mouth." "Oh, look at me, I'm Sean McLoughlin. I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it." Marvin uses a mocking tone before reverting to venom once more. "Guess that's what you told your 'best friend' before you put him in a fucking coma, isn't it?" "Don't you dare suggest I don't care." "You made him feel like he had no choice but to keep being nice to your sorry ass. He barely survived Halloween and now look where he's en-" "God, cut it out!" Chase marches towards them, looking as if he was 30 seconds from grabbing a weapon to silence them. "Both of you. Sean, you have 10 minutes then we want you gone. Marv, leave him alone because we honestly have enough shit going on without you stirring more of it." Marvin bluntly says "Five." "Okay, fine, you have 5 minutes then you leave." The magician clearly isn't satisfied with this compromise but decides it's not worth the effort of fighting further. "Thank you." "It wasn't for you. I did it so I can avoid a headache." Chase promptly leaves him to it. He's not even sure he wants to enter once he reaches the infirmary's doors. Still, he's gone through too much trouble to get this far. He can't undo all that effort now. He walks into the room and- Nope, he can't do this. He means, look at Jack! He makes for an awful sight. If his friend had looked terrible while recovering from Say Goodbye, this was a whole other level. He decides against making it past the doors. He's simply there in the corridor, sobbing. "Sean, I think you should go before Marvin tries to commit arson or something." It's the most patience Chase can muster after all that's happened this week. Sean can't appreciate the effort enough. He answers with a mix of 'Uh-huh, yeah, sure.' Jackie looks like he hasn't eaten a thing in the past 11 months when Sean answers the door to him in early October. He doesn't know what to say. If Jack were currently conscious, he would have probably informed Sean of the kid's arrival by now. Yet, as it stood, Marvin seemed to be the new 'leader' and pigs would fly before he bothered to do anything that benefited Sean. He notices Jackie never lets his feet touch the ground the entire time he's there. There is a long silence in the living room before Jackie comes out with "Why didn't you do anything?" "I tried but it didn't work." "Somehow I struggle to believe that." "Jackie-" "You could have prevented a lot of shit. But why fucking bother when we're not even real, right?" "If you give me a couple minutes, I could find that video where I tried to trigger your escape." Jackie doesn't reply. He locates the footage for him regardless. The teenager remains silent the whole time. Sean decides to break it. "It must have backfired but I did try." He notices Jackie glaring at his own legs. "Great, now I know you're to blame. Not to mention you moved country while I was gone. Thanks for making me walk from Athlone, by the way." The boy superhero abruptly makes his exit, making no attempt to elaborate. Well then, great chat. Except, wait. Walk from Athlone? How the hell do you walk from Athlone to Brighton?! Sean makes good on the promise he made to himself months before. He risks uploading the pictures to Instagram. On the 29th, there is a fair amount of hype at the potential new character. He lingers inconspicuously near the egos' home for a couple hours, keeping himself occupied with his phone in case the ego didn't appear. Which he doesn't. He repeats the activity after posting the 2nd photo on the 30th. Still nothing. It's the video on Halloween that triggers creation. It was a simple thing. The same as the previous two years, he had carved a pumpkin. The main difference was that he had dressed up like a dapper gentleman, waistcoat and bowler hat inclusive. There was some glitching at the end, nothing Sean or Robin had a hand in. He supposes he should be glad there was such a small interruption. Outside the house, he spots the lost time traveller. His first surprise, for both of them it would seem, was that Jameson had lost the ability to speak. He seems reluctant to use the speech slides. No worries. Sean can buy a notepad or two for him tomorrow. Learning to sign, or in the very least understand it. will take a considerable amount of time. Written responses would have to be a sufficient compromise for now. Either way, the most important thing was that Jameson was willing to come with him before he met the others. He is in awe of Jameson. He knows he'd intended to create an ego with a proper backstory but this was far more than he'd been expecting. He had drafted a brief life story beforehand. Jameson would be the middle child of three in an upper class British family. He'd be too young to join WW1 but his brother would lose his hearing to it, allowing Jameson to know sign by the time he went missing. Maybe throw in some time in the army for good measure. However his power worked, it filled in the gaps nicely. Jameson is fully fleshed out, as are his memories. "Thanks for humouring me." He tells Signe that night. She hums in acknowledgement of what he'd said. "You can't keep him here forever, you realise that, right? I'll let you have tomorrow. But you really should let him make his own choices after that." On the 1st, Chase comes knocking. Sean relents, allowing him in to be introduced to Jameson. As expected, Chase calls him out. He assures Jameson that it was fine to go with the unfamiliar ego. As hostile as Chase was, he was still trustworthy and believed he had Jameson's best interests at heart. He lets his latest creation go. Now he will be taught the egos' version of the 'truth'. He doubted Jameson would be rushing back. But oh, there he is days later. It's completely reasonable for the dapper man to want answers. Sean provides them to the best of his ability. Jameson surprises him once more when he says he'll let the deception slide if he cuts it out from now on. Of course he will. As Jameson heads off back to his world, Sean is thankful he made him open minded. While having a casual conversation, Jameson mentions befriending someone named Shawn. At first, Sean is simply perplexed at the written name. Jameson knows how to spell his name, even includes the fada. So surely Shawn couldn't be him. When he has his friend explain, he can't believe it. Shawn Flynn. In other words, his Bendy voice cameo. Okay, egos like Henrik, Chase or Marvin, he could understand. Those guys had gotten specific videos that centred around them. He also got the whole 'springing from him putting on a voice for a series' thing with Angus and Jacques etc. Robbie... well, who the fuck knows what happened there. The point was they all came from his channel and his channel alone. Shawn Flynn was not his to claim. He was only a voice, a few sentences' worth of speech. He will always be amazed by his community's power to create from scraps. As soon as he lost Jack's contribution to the channel, he had been forced to pick up the slack. Even with Robin editing most videos, recording twice as many as he was used to was taking its toll. Something had to be done. He needed a new recording partner. And who better to help him than someone who already had experience with maintaining a channel? Obviously, Chase is opposed to the idea at first. He tries to get him to listen to his reasoning. Without Jack, he was struggling to have time for himself anymore. If he has no time outside of work, then how is he supposed to figure out how to reverse the coma? Not to mention, the community members were the ones responsible for keeping the egos from fading. Chase agrees to, in the very least, consider the offer. Sean is glad to have him as part of the team when he reluctantly accepts it. He is very grateful too. He knows this requires a sacrifice on Chase's part, perhaps more than he is aware of. In the run up to Christmas, he'd simply wanted to raise money for Save The Children with the help of his friends and community. There had occasionally been odd noises throughout the first day but nothing super suspicious. He has no clue where the hell the security footage came from. He had intended for the stream to stay up, sure, but it was meant to display a screensaver. Some people begin to notice the glitches and unusual goings on were triggered by donations of at least $1000. Well, how nice to learn that Anti liked encouraging charitable donations. The day after the event is over, Jameson attempts to speak to him about it. Listen, he's really sorry to hear about what happened over at the house. It's awful that Jackie suffered a huge panic attack from the music. But what do they expect him to do about an event that's already passed and he had no control over in the first place? The less he has to think about 'Overnightwatch' over the holidays, or Anti in general during the new year, the better. He's so fucking done with 2017. The following cold months blur. The Dr Jacksepticeye character becomes a community-made ego in January. That was great. He was aware the egos had been struggling to provide Jack professional medical care. March sees Chase getting custody of his kids on the weekend. Although he doesn't risk ruining the party with the scene his attendance would cause, he congratulates Chase on the good news in person. To top things off, he began the first leg of his tour. That had been a hell of an experience. Maybe 2018 would indeed be a better year. This hope is kept alight at the start of May. He had spent months attempting to work out how to save Jackie. Following that, they lost Henrik only to welcome the hero back. Then the doctor had been out of reach since August. It is for this reason that he receives the news of Henrik's return with great relief. Chase is ecstatic when he recounts what had happened at the end of his recording session. Sean is happy for him. He and the rest of egos need more positive events in their lives. Jackie certainly surprises him when he randomly shows up at his door days later. Signe gives him a heads up about the visitor as he leaves a recording session. The teenager comes across as distracted while they talk. Something feels really off. Then again, they haven't been able to talk since his kidnapping. Months' worth of trauma were bound to change how Jackie acted in certain situations. When he eventually leaves, Sean feels like he's missing some sort of sign. The community goes insane after Dark Silence is uploaded. He cautiously makes himself watch the infamous ending. Once more, Anti has added content to a video. The whole time Chase stands in that hallway, Sean is begging his screen for his friend to start sprinting in the other direction, as far from Anti as he could manage. But, of course, you can't prevent an abduction through a screen, especially when it had happened hours beforehand. Chase seemed so distressed. The thought of his reaction to Anti won't leave Sean be. Nor will those two questions. Jameson swings by in an attempt to comfort him. For what it's worth, his heart is in the right place. Sean just doesn't feel he's in a position to appreciate the efforts properly. He supposes this is his opportunity to finally get a rescue attempt right. Yet, with the tour and having to revert back to multiple recordings a day, time slips away. No doubt he'll get accused of not caring. Thankfully, Chase returns in June. Mostly unscathed physically too which is good. He wishes the same could be said for mental repercussions. Chase relapsing hard with his alcoholism wasn't great to hear either. Suffice to say, Chase needed help. Some good news about the whereabouts of his ex and two young children would be fantastic too. The Akinator video is fun. He enjoys making that website's algorithm figure out the characters. Admittedly, he doesn't know whether picking Jameson for a round was a smart idea. Even worse are some of the questions he gets offered. There are two specifically he doesn't feel comfortable answering on camera. He plays it off as teasing eventual ego content to his audience. In reality, he's not sure it's his place to say. And it's hardly like he can put the recording on hold to contact Jameson about his personal life. The video goes up and the community naturally laps it up. Sean wonders if he should be concerned about the fact Jameson was yet to speak to him about it. In October, he asks Jameson to deliver a card on his behalf. Henrik would be amputating Jackie's legs in an attempt to reverse one of the most prominent aftereffects of his time with Anti. Therefore, a get well card was in order. It's not much but he hopes Jackie will appreciate the gesture nonetheless. Jameson simply shrugs as he hands him a note a couple weeks later. He ends up finding the message humourous. On it is written: Thanks for the card but you don't need to bother next time. He's just about had enough of Anti when Quit The Game To Win gets recorded. He's not sure at which point in the video he becomes lightheaded. There's a brief moment of zoning out then he's sitting at his desk, having sent the video off for editing a minute prior. Unlike the other times, there is no extra content even Robin was oblivious to. The footage of Sean staring into the camera had undoubtedly been there the whole time. They debate whether to upload it. The decision gets taken out of their hands when it is uploaded regardless. That goddamn bastard. He probably realises Sean can't take down a video like that with no explanation. And what explanation is there to give? The community has no idea the egos were real or that it was actually Anti speaking to them. Oh but sure, the compliments to his 'amazing acting' pour in without fail. Also, next phase? What the hell was Anti planning to do? He and the egos would have to remain proceeding with caution. On his 29th birthday, he is surprised to find numerous egos on his doorstep. A little dumbfounded, he invites them in for cake. It wasn't like he was doing much today other than typical work stuff and checking out the community's birthday art. Chase spots his notebook, the one containing his story plans. This topic of conversation leads to them encouraging him to rectify his mistakes by waking Jack up. He's all for it. Even after all these years, he's not sure how exactly his power worked. He gets it into his head that staying up indefinitely will cause Jack to remain conscious. Somehow, this becomes the actual criteria. As the day goes on, he thinks about how things must be like over at the egos' home. It must be wonderful to have Jack up and about. He can imagine him sharing jokes, laughing and smiling, just generally enjoying the company of friends. He's always been a bit of a night owl. He can manage to stay up the whole night, for Jack's sake. Jack deserves as much time as he can give him. He increases his caffeine intake. It didn't matter whether it was coffee or a fizzy drink. If it had caffeine and could help him stay up longer, he'd drink it. His plan seemingly backfires when he plays Shadow of the Colossus while exhausted. He wakes up with a crick in his neck, the sight of Wander stationary upon Agro's back and looming guilty disappointment. When he checks in, Henrik confirms Jack was indeed back in the medical bay, unresponsive as ever. The doctor tells him that, not for nothing, they'd all enjoyed the day. It had been after 2am when Jack had begun exhibiting signs of diminishing consciousness. Even if the others may not admit it, he was sure he wasn't the only one who appreciated what Sean had given them. Perhaps one of the stupidest things he ever voluntarily subjects himself to occurs that May. He leaves peculiar edits in the Observation series. Then he posts an unlisted video of him facing off against his clone with a bloodied throat and exclusively black attire. It works. For the first time in Sean's life, he stands in Anti's presence. As it turns out, Anti is grateful. If it hadn't been for Sean spending weeks playing around with a community fuelled concept, complete with a grande finale, the glitch would still be lurking in the shadows as a nobody. Sean had solidified him. Antisepticeye had long since stopped being a fun idea that lived purely in fan creations or Tumblr headcanon posts. Even better, he'd been armed with a knife and violent tendencies. Bit of a bad combination, wouldn't you say? In fact, he's been revelling in watching the whole Sean vs Egos fiasco. Because sure, he could blame a lot of things on Anti if he wanted. But the mistrust that began with Jack then seeped into the others via the original ego? Sean's doing. The one who used his powers of creation when, even to this day, he doesn't quite understand how on earth they worked? Sean. Best yet, letting his emotions cause him to put a loved one in a coma he had no clue how to reverse? Once again, courtesy of Sean McLoughlin. Sean brushes these comments off. He's been called out too many times to be that easily affected by it. Besides, he had some things on his own mind that needed saying. Where were Stacy and the kids? Oh, in a ditch. They served no use without Chase's conscience there to haunt. Actually, where had Anti himself been during all these years? Here, there, everywhere. Why stay in one spot when he thrived on being near impossible to pin down. Any question Sean has, Anti's answers are delivered nonchalantly. Right. That's how Anti wants to play it, huh? He creates another piece of footage. This time, he dresses as Chase and speaks on the phone. 'Chase' begs Stacy to take the kids, stay hidden and only contact him when she really needs to. Once Sean posts it (privately of course), the real Chase updates him on the recent developments in his life. He'd gotten a text from Stacy saying they were safe for now. He had only managed to compose himself before leaving the house but ah look, there go the waterworks again. Sean apologises as he makes it abundantly clear that Chase would not be able to see his family for a while. It was for their safety. Chase understood, right? Yes, yes of course. For good measure, he also talks to Henrik. His wife and children weren't in as imminent danger of becoming Anti's targets right now. However, there was no harm in staying vigilant. It was up to the doctor but Sean thought it would be for the best if they maintained a low profile for now. Sean discusses another video with Chase in October. The father is reluctant to have more of his story explored, especially if things are going to play out the way Sean had planned. That's fine, he assures. That was exactly why he wanted Chase to be part of the process. Besides, it may seem a little bleak right now but his fortunes would improve as soon as the ball started rolling. When it comes to filming the short video, Chase kills it. The community may be praising Sean but he makes sure Chase is aware of the love he had earned. He decides to allow Jameson another solo video for his birthday. They brainstorm together, coming up with the premise of a puppet show. Jameson is the one who comes up with the 'I can't be questioned, I'm rich!' joke. As soon as he does, he goes off on a tangent about how he used to know people like that. Hell, his own parents had been like that. Sean laughs along with him. The first sight of trouble is the random bit of string around his arm. Jameson naively removes it without becoming suspicious. Sean's been in this position before. If the video's up, it's already way too late for the targeted ego. He forces himself to watch to the end. Jameson's wrapping up the story when the strings reappear. His arms go limp before he begins swaying on the spot. It is clearly Anti who is controlling his movements now. Sean really wishes he didn't know the sign for 'help'. He bets Jameson believes he has the power to save him. If only he did. The worst part of it is having to witness Jameson clearly attempting to fight against it. If Sean thought Henrik's distress during Kill Jacksepticeye had been a challenge to watch, he had another thing coming. Goddamn it. Can he please go one year without losing more of those he cared about? He'd once been friends with Angus before the fading fiasco caused them to drift apart. Jack kept giving second chance after second chance until Sean had let his frustration screw that up. Chase had gradually begun to see him as potentially trustworthy, only for Anti to kidnap him and set them back to square one. Is it too much to ask for them to feel happy and safe as well as remaining so? His 30th birthday is quiet. There are no egos hassling him or attempts to initiate a bout of insomnia. It's a nice day chilling out with Evelein and BB. He would have enjoyed it even more if he knew he'd achieved his goal of waking Jack up by now. Or even getting Jameson back. The last person he expects to see coming round to his house is Marvin. He doesn't think the magician is entirely sure why he chose to do this either. He states that he gave his word when he said he'd never forgive Sean. With his fae heritage, that meant something and he couldn't go back on that. Marvin seemed offended when Sean shows surprise upon learning he had connection to fae. Well, how exactly was Sean supposed to know this detail if Marvin's been keeping him far away for 2.5 years, especially since they hadn't been best buddies pre-coma either? The magician scowls before returning to a calmer neutral demeanour. He carries on his point. Marvin may not be able to forgive Sean for what he's done, not that he really has a reason to given what was still happening to the egos. That said, he wasn't going to judge his friends as harshly anymore if they decided to give their creator a chance. That uh... shit, that was huge coming from Marvin. All he can reply with is a thank you. August rears it's terrible head. It's been three years now. 36 whole months, god knows how many weeks or individual days. He's had all this time to fix this yet is still working on it. And oh, sure, he can rationalise it. He can remind himself that during 2018, if he wasn't on tour then he was preparing for a leg or decompressing after one. Not to mention that had also been the year he'd finally started addressing his mental health. Now, the biggest thing preventing him from progressing the story to the point where Jack woke up was the virus. For half the year, he couldn't film anything that required a crew, let alone do so on location in America or wherever like he had with CHASE. Instead, he sits at the end of the bed as usual. Legs to his chest, he simply lets himself be here. Henrik is going to kill him for the way he is seated. He rambles at Jack, updating him on recent goings on. When he's said his bit, he becomes contemplative for a moment. "I'm still trying, I swear. You're going to wake up one day. I'm just- I'm doing my best to get everything sorted. I promise you can call my ass out eventually. I will get there. Anyway, I'm sure you have better things to be doing than listening to me mope about like I have been for the past three years. See you around, buddy."

#my writing #creator au #the creator #jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye egos #writersofjack #if anyone saw me despairing yesterday about this fic going on and on I want you to know this bitch is 8.2k words now #tw death mention #tw blood mention #tw kidnapping

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mtvswatches · 4 years

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Jane the Virgin 2x21 Chapter Forty-Three

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) Are we really having a sub-plot about Jane fighting with another mom over a children’s birthday party entertainer? Hmmmmokay.

2) I feel like Jane getting a publishing deal thanks to her grandma meeting someone from Simon & Schuster would be kind of like a cop-out? Really? This is how the struggling mother and writer will get her book published? I really hope not… it would be disappointing.

3) Petra decided not to go to Jane’s wedding because of the whole Anezka thing, but Jane convinced her otherwise since they’re pretty much family. Petra then promised to keep Anezka away from Jane. But… how am I supposed to know if this really Petra or if it’s Anezka pretending to be Petra…?

4) Michael’s brother – whose character is so inconsequential I couldn’t be bothered to learn his name – gave him 48 hours to give up the hotel. We’re heading for disaster, I think. On top of that, Petra and Jane are telling him to take two very different roads, and he’s torn on what advice to follow.

5) Hmm. Jane’s professor just told her not to present her novel to the publisher, and I think this might be a case of artist envy? Or is she genuinely concerned about Jane’s prospects as a writer?

6) Rogelio’s crew have gone on strike – they were hilariously inspired by Rogelio’s very own time-traveling novela – and they’ll start the picket line on Friday, the day before Jane’s wedding. And the venue is the set of the show, so that’s going to be a disaster, too. Not the wedding disaster I was expecting, but a disaster nonetheless.

7) Petra swayed Rafael by telling him she loves him… as the father of her children. Can we please be done with the Petra and Rafael thing? She deserves better.

8) The entertainer canceled on Jane, I guess we should care?

9) Rogelio struck up a deal with one of the crew members – if he lasts a week as a crew member, they’ll postpone the picket line. If the doesn’t last, then he’ll become the face of the strike. This is the most interesting storyline in this episode, to be quite honest.

10) Alba is right, though, Mateo won’t remember the party nor would he know or care who the entertainer is… a birthday party for a one-year-old is simply done for the parents.

11) It turns out… Jane is only suggesting Rafael he should turn himself in because Michael told her that’s what she should tell him… and it feels kind of… duplicitous? Treacherous? It’s definitely questionable advice.

12) Jane gets angry when Petra shows up to her and Rafael’s entertainment scouting date to do… exactly the same Jane is trying to do… manipulate Rafael into doing what she wants him to do and what she thinks is right for him. Why is what Jane does good and what Petra does evil? Can someone explain? Why are we expected to root for Jane? It’s been two seasons and it’s getting harder and harder to see why we should side with Jane.

13) Surprisingly, and adorably, Rogelio turns out to be quite the handyman! He does the job well, and the crew decides to make things more difficult for him… I really hope this only ends up with him being excellent at all the jobs they line up for him and deciding to support their strike anyway, even if he technically wins the bet…

14) #rosmellio

15) You deserve it, Petra.

And Jane’s expression? She’s just as petty as Petra! She’s totally pissed she didn’t get to “win” this time.

16) Michael fell asleep reading Jane’s novel. He is honest with her, though, and tells her that the writing is good but it’s not exactly best-seller material.

17) The FBI just raided Rafael’s office and took him in, and who gave him up?

18)

I do hope his fear of leprechauns is brought up again in some form!

19) So… the whole FBI raid was a set-up to trick Derek (right, that’s his name!)

20) Unfortunately, Rafael is not Petra, and he couldn’t get Derek to confess to bribing him on tape.

21) Rogelio literally faced his fear of heights to have Jane’s wedding happen and if that’s not the greatest father on television ever, I don’t know who is.

22) Jerry, the crew guy, tells Rogelio he’s keeping his promise and they will hold off the picket line to allow the wedding to happen…

I’m guessing the crew won’t forget that.

23) Poor Mateo is down with something, and Jane and Rafael are staying with him at the hospital overnight. This gives Rafael the chance to fess up to Jane and tell her he gave up the Fairwick. Jane tells him she fears this might not be the end of it, and in this show, is it ever...?

24) Mateo is celebrating his first birthday at the hospital…

25) The higher-ups are firing everyone in the crew before they get the chance to go on strike, and I know Rogelio won’t disappoint me.

26) It’s nice to see Jane and Rafael connect as parents, though…

You know what’s not nice? Rafael still lusting after Jane…

27) Everyone who matters shows up at the hospital to celebrate his first birthday, and honestly, that’s all that matters.

28) YES. ROGELIO CONTINUES TO BE THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS SHOW AND I WILL FIGHT ANYONE OVER IT.

I have to join the picket line on Friday. (…) Telemasivo executives plan to replace them before that, and I can’t let that happen.

29) Michael has the sudden realization that the only reason Derek was so interested in getting the Fairwick is because they must’ve dug tunnels from the Marbella to there and hidden the drug money underneath it.

30) Well, there was something buried there alright…

31) Derek is off on a plane and talking to someone on the phone, telling them he’s on his way with the money. I’m guessing it’s Rose, I mean, who else could it be?

32) Jane needs to get off her high horse, it’s so fucking annoying. She’s so self-righteous and sanctimonious, they’re awful traits to have… And I can’t help but feel this reaction is mostly out of spite because Petra rubbed it in her face earlier when it was her turn to win.

PETRA: I know... it's not a competition. JANE: Yeah, well... I'm starting to think it is, actually. PETRA: Excuse me? JANE: And I do hope Rafael comes to me for advice more. PETRA: What?! JANE: Because I won't tell him to do crazy things like staging a fake FBI raid. PETRA: Well, I was trying something at least. JANE: The wrong thing. PETRA: Oh, will you stop already? There is no right or wrong, Jane. JANE: That is not true. PETRA: So, you think it's right for him to go to jail? Look, you're an optimist, that's all, and I'm a realist, and I'm getting tired of you assuming that you're the better person.

So... Petra showed up to mend fences, and Jane is all up on her high horse, claiming that what SHE tells Rafael to do is the RIGHT thing. Yes, Petra’s plan was kind of insane - though, technically, not illegal, I think? - but she was trying to protect Rafael. Jane claims to have Rafael’s best interest at heart, but she was actually just telling him to do what Michael told her he should do. And why does she have to be so self-righteous about it? I’m on Petra’s side, I’m also tired of Jane assuming she’s the better person just because she says so.

33) So… Anezka has been visiting Magda in prison and doing what Magda tells her to do. They’ve been working together on a plan for a whole year… what is the plan, exactly?

34) I really don’t know what to expect from the season finale. I mean, obviously, there are several plots that will reach their climax during the finale – there’s the wedding, Anezka and Magda’s plan, the picket line, Michael chasing Derek… but I have no idea how messy or satisfactory it all might turn out to be. And I have no idea what plot points they might set up for next season… I was wondering, though, how high season 2 ranks as a favorite season? Because I found it all a bit meh? Anyway, I hope the season finale delivers a fun hour, at least.

35) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

#Jane the Virgin #Jane Villanueva #Gina Rodriguez #Rogelio De La Vega #Petra Solano #I'd never disliked the title character of a show right off the bat but I don't... like... Jane?#it might be why I'm finding it hard to make an emotional connection with this show #it all kind of falls flat when you don't really care what happens to the main character...#mine #JTV recap #JTV 2x21 #recap

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maddiphicent · 4 years

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I saw this and I love it so much I decided to participate. Right now imma be using my favorite para, but I'll probably change it. I kinda googled some questions so i could start this easier, but let's go!

Paramay Day one-Intro

1. What is your paras full name?

Lea Marie Ogden/Blomish/Sadler depending on what part of her life you are referring too.

2. How did your para's parents decide on their name?

Lea Marie's dad left before she was born and her mom hated Lea Marie since she was pregnant so she never even picked out a name for the "little parasite." When she was born, her mom spat at the nurse telling her to pick out a name. The nurse chose Lea Marie, after her aunt who just passed.

3. How tall are they?

5'3"

4. What do they look like?

She's of Japanese/Greek decent with dark black hair till shes 17 (and had to kill her brother out of self defense) and her hair turns gray from the trauma of it. Her eyes are deep blue.

5. What is their birthday (month, date, and year)?

February 29th, 1992. Her mom used to tell Lea Marie she was born on a leap year so she could have "less birthdays" then everyone else because no one should be celebrating her birth. After being adopted, her step mom celebrated her birthday on non-leap years on both February 28th and March 1st because it was extra special and needed to be celebrated for 2 whole days!

6. Where were they born?

New Jersey, 25 minute train ride from NYC. I never settled on a town because I dont know much about geography anyway but also because Lea Marie grew up in a town with a lot of gang violence going on. It's the main reason her teachers never cared about her obvious abuse in her house. Everyone showed up with bruises and scars.

7. Where were their grandparents’ born?

Japan! They came over from Japan in the 1940s and changed their last names to a more english sounding one in order to hopefully find a job easier.

8. Where do they live now?

NYC. Lea Marie and her husband Jared are broadway actors.

9. Do they have any medical problems, diseases, injuries?

Because her mom smoked/drank while pregnant, the muscles in Lea Marie's legs and lower back never full formed. As a result she can't walk without assistance. She uses crutches and a wheelchair to get by (depending). She prefers her crutches but a wheelchair is easier in most situations. In the winter she almost exclusively has to use a wheelchair because of how much her legs and back hurts. When she was a kid/teenager it didnt bother her as much but in her adult life it really messes with her.

10. What religion are they, and why?

I guess pagan? Her dad is literally Hermes so she kinda has to believe in the greek gods, but with how much shit her stepbrother and her gave gone through as a result of them she sure as hell doesnt worship them.

11. What kind of house/apartment do they live in?

As a kid, she lived with her grandparents till she was 4. Imagine the most basic of suburban white family homes and that's where she lived. After she lived with her mom in a tiny, very shitty 1 bedroom/1 bathroom home. Lea Marie's "room" was the laundry room where a washer and dryer never even existed because she was too poor. Her bed was a beanbag chair and 2 pillows. After being adopted she moves into her stepparents 3 bedroom/2 bath apartment in NYC where she sleeps in a bed for the very first time in her life.

Now she lives in a one story house, 2 bedroom house in nyc (which I don't think exist but it's my paracosm and I will do whatever the hell I want!). The one bedroom is a regular bedroom while the other is a recording studios for her and her husband to record (mostly covers) in but Lea Marie also writes her own songs and music.

12. Do they have any pets?

Jared is deathly allergic to every animal, so no. But Lea Marie still loves all animals and would love to own a dog, but knows she cant.

13. Are you married? If so, what is your spouse’s name?

As previously mentioned, she is to her husband Jared Sadler (he goes by his middle name but I never actually came up with a first name for him). They've been best friends since they were 8 years old and started dating when they were 16, got married when they were 24. They started dating after they were the lead roles in Legally Blonde for their theater company so I kinda have to add (very cheesily) "if there ever was a perfect couple this one quailfies" because they've never fought once and both are so understanding and patient with each other.

14. What kind of car do they drive?

Lea Marie doesn't drive mostly because shes too scared to do so but also...she lives in NYC so theres no actual point.

15. What was their first job?

She played guitar in Book of Mormon. When people ask what her first show was never never knows if that counts or not. She did that for a year before going on to play Bazzard.

16. What is their dream job?

To play Elphaba in Wicked! She had seen the show 237 times prior to getting the role (because yes she gets the role. She deserves it). Her husband got the role of firero at the same time.

17. What are other facts/stories about them?

Lea Marie's first language was Japanese (which she learned from her grandparents) then sign language (which she learned from Jared's brother in daycare when she was 3), then english (which she became fluent when she was around 8 in because she was in the same class as Jared's brother and often watched the interrupter), and after being claimed by Hermes at camp half blood she was given the gift of tongues (which isnt a thing in the books but it makes sense since Hermes is the god of travel) so she can speak any language that's not Latin.

She had selective mutism until she was 18. She only spoke to people who she actually thought would listen and value her opinion. The most people she talked to at one time was 20. This is because her mom silenced her and didn't allow her to make any noise at home. If she did she would either be hit or locked in her room for days on end. After extensive therapy, she finally started talking to everyone. However she still barely talks as is unless she has to talk. At home she uses mostly sign language to Jared (even though he makes her comfortable to talk). But if you ever get her drunk, she will not stop talking! She will tell you every story ever when she's drunk. Jared loves it because he loves her so much and loves when shes comfortable enough to talk. The only other time she talks more than usual is if shes in a really good mood.

She is adept at pick pocketing and only has been caught once when she was 8 when she stole a $10k watch off a very important, very terrible business man in NYC. She panicked when caught and threw it down a drain. They gave her a choice to go to jail (cause the guy was a terrible person) or join the theater company in her hometown that was created because of all the gang violence to give kids something to do after school (very aware this is not how things work but it's my paracosm). She joined the theater and learned to play the guitar at first just trying not to be seen until Jared begged her to audition. After reminding him she like talking, Jared told her "but it's not you talking! It's the character! You're someone completely different up there. Everyone want to hear what you say!" Lea Marie loved this idea and so she did audition and got the part of little red riding hood in into the woods. She loved plays ever sense because she loved being someone shes not.

Her favorite movie is legally blonde and it was also the only lead role she got in said theater company.

She learned how to do guitar solos on an acoustic guitar when her mom wasnt home because someone told her disabled people cant play the guitar and she wanted to prove them wrong. (She played the electric at the theater).

Her mom works as a manager of the only gas station in town.

She was kicked out of a total of 4 schools. Once when she was 8 for starting a fight, once when she was 10 for finishing a fight, once when she was 14 because she was caught having sex in a janitors closest, and once when she was 15 because she was caught having sex in the boys bathroom. The first 3 were in new jersy in her home town while the last one was in NYC since no school in New Jersey wanted her. Her mom was pissed she had to pick her up so often and when she was kicked out her mom was threatening to kill her. She was so scared she got out of the car and "ran" to her best friends apartment (where she spent most of her time anyway and was pretty much their daughter). Her best friends mom and step dad adopted her a week later (not how things work but in my paracosm because demigods are so dangerous they have a law specifically for them to not be placed in foster care if avoided so as not to cause more trouble).

I think I just dumped a lot but I still might add onto this later. This is so fun and I'm glad this is a thing! I cant wait to read about your paras!

#paramay

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thesickpanda · 5 years

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What Do You Do When A Loved One Changes For the Worse?

For the past couple of weeks I have been having constant nightmares about a particular friend. He is on a self-destructive path and his harmful behaviours are affecting me and those around him.

My partner has insisted that I write this all down as a way to expunge it. It's going to be a while before I see my psychologist, so I guess a diary entry will have to do in the meantime.

Long story short, in the past 10 months, I have made some huge changes to how I relate to others. The extremely abridged version is that I was a doormat most of my life and came from a family of emotional bullies. They set the baseline for what was my normal and so I tended to find myself in very toxic friendships throughout my adult life. I put up with shit from other people that literally no one else would (I was often the only friend of these toxic people) and those relationships always ended horribly with me feeling like I was somehow the bad guy when I was the victim. It took many years of therapy and a lot of introspection to realise that. I acknowledged my own shortcomings and flaws and where I had contributed to the downfall of certain relationships. But equally, I let go of the guilt of ending relationships that were exploitative, manipulative and cruel. I finally understood that having personal boundaries was not only beneficial to me but also to those who would either intentionally or accidentally exploit me and my giving nature. The ultimate test came toward the end of last year when had to lay down some very firm boundaries with a close relative. We are still in communication, but now I decide when we talk and what we talk about. I've had to do this in order to protect us both. Interestingly, limiting exposure to her has been the best thing for the relationship, as we are now getting along better on the whole. I now know firsthand how important boundary setting is for the longevity of any relationship, especially the complicated ones.

I mention all this, because it started a process for me. I really took on board the advice of a Buddhist monk who told me to surround myself with wise people. I realised that some people in life were wholly negative influences. I'm talking about help rejecting complainers, emotional leeches and hapless drifters daydreaming through their own lives with nothing to give.

I have put up with so much shit from people over the years, it is not funny. I am now purging one-sided relationships that no longer serve me in any way. I'm perfectly willing and able to forgive people their flaws and faults if they are also counterbalanced with good traits. But so often I seem to have attracted people who are mean-spirited or haughty or completely unaware of their own crap and I just don't have the spoons to deal with those individuals anymore.

And herein lies the rub. It has, until recently, been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me to learn how to set my own boundaries and choose my friends more carefully. My last birthday celebration was a testament to that. I felt truly loved by the people who came to my little party and I felt seen and appreciated for who I really was. I want to be forging closer relationships with my true friends, those who have stuck by me and given back as much as I have given them. I'm fortunate to have good people in my life, but I haven't had as much time to dedicate to them because I was so busy pouring love into those aforementioned toxic relationships (which are often all-consuming). I'm changing that now, and it feels good.

But recently, it forced me to acknowledge something I have been steadfastly refusing to face up to. I have a friend in my life who I have known for well over a decade who has been troubling me a great deal over the past couple of years. I want to clarify that this friend is not a bad person. They are not toxic toward me in the way that other people have been. They are not deliberately trying to torment me, manipulate or exploit me. In fact, he has at times been exceptionally generous. He has trouble with expressing emotion so most of that generosity comes out in financial gestures, which complicates things. I'm disabled and unemployed and so I don't have any disposable income of my own. This friend knows that and has spoilt me with some really nice gifts over the years, as well bailing me out of financial hardship at critical times. In that regard, I owe him a lot. And that, in large part, has been why I have remained friends with him. I feel indebted. I've also stayed on in the relationship because I remember who they used to be. When we first met he was bright, switched on, optimistic and ambitious. He had goals and was brave and interested in the world around him. He came from a community of kind, loving people, many of whom I still call friends to this day. He surrounded himself with these people and even flew across oceans to International gatherings to be there with them. I saw so much potential and love in this person and I fell head over heels for him. I fall in love with people all the time. I see the best in them and want the best for them. Sometimes it means I come on a bit strong and intense and I have tried my best to reel that back. (It can be a bit overbearing and intimidating for people). But ultimately, I just love people with my whole heart and want to see them thrive. This friend and I connected very deeply on that level and I honestly thought we’d be best buds for life.

The problem is that we have both changed a great deal since those early years. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself. I have seen numerous therapists, completed mindfulness courses, read self-help books, joined support groups, participated in countless programs for people with chronic pain, and just generally tried to work on my shit. I know that sounds crass, but it's something we all need to do in order to grow. We need to recognise our own issues and bullshit and do our best to address it. No one is ever going to be perfect and we shouldn't strive to be; however, if we have character flaws that are outwardly hurting others, we need to acknowledge and work on those. We also need to stop being self-destructive. I have never been one to run away from a personal challenge. I dealt with my grief after losing my dad; I faced my fears head on when my anxiety reached fever pitch, and overcame them. I took big risks when I moved country twice. I have been brave every day of my life when I wake up with three chronic illnesses and a mental illness and somehow get through the day. I have been productive and have given back to the community as much as I possibly can. I am driven toward self-improvement and self-love as much as I am committed to making the world a better place. Even though I intend to hang up my feminist activist hat at the end of this year, I still want to be involved in community activism, primarily environmental, in the years to follow. I can never not to do something for the betterment of others. It's in my nature and it gives my life meaning and purpose. I also want to pursue creative exploits, do more travel and see what else the world has to offer.

My friend, on the other hand, has resolutely given up on all of that. He too had dreams, goals and ambitions, and he hasn’t realised any of them, nor put any serious effort towards them, either.

I can remember when it happened.

A few months after I moved to Australia to be with my partner, I visited my friend. I was so excited to see him as it had been a while. But he was angry and bitter the entire time I was there. He lashed out at his mother, his best friend and at me. In quiet moments I tried to understand why he was so upset and he finally blurted that he wanted what his siblings had: a family. He wanted a loving, committed relationship, a career and children. But he was still working at the same grocery shop he’d been at since he was 15. He had dropped out of his degree. He put absolutely no effort into dating, or working on his appalling personal hygiene or appearance. I told him that if he wanted those things, he would have to work for them, just like everyone else. He threw up his hands in a fit and said he didn't want to. He just wanted them to fall from the sky. We got into big arguments over it because this friend of mine was so spoilt and so privileged. He was still living at home with his parents who gave him everything he needed. He was able bodied and, despite punishing his body with a terrible diet, reasonably well. He could hoard his money and then spend it on conventions and video games, because he didn't have to pay any rent or any bills. His parents put up with some pretty nasty behaviour from him, including his refusal to do housework. I hate to say it, but he was acting like the entitled millennial male we feminists get so frustrated over: expecting the beautiful wife, house and job to fall into his lap without having to do any work towards it. We nearly broke up during that trip. Indeed, I needed a few months away from him before I could recover from what was quite a shock. I felt resented. And it wasn't just me; he was resenting everyone else too. His mother was devastated when I left early, because at the time I was 50% of his friendship base. I adore his mother and sympathized with her position, but I told her she needed to stop enabling her son and give him a kick up the butt he needed. She refused.

After that, he simmered down a bit. He didn't bring it up anymore. He wasn't angry and he didn't lash out. He just went numb. I managed to talk him into doing a degree in creative writing, which he was once passionate about. (He completed that degree, but has done absolutely nothing with it since.) Oh, he sometimes came along to things his best friend, my partner and I went to, although he never expressed much interest in those activities. He made silly jokes and he was still fairly personable, but he never wanted to address the elephant in the room. Anytime I tried to bring it up he shut down, became silent and grumpy and otherwise sulked. He never had anything to say about it. He just went quiet and looked miserable. "But you told me that you had life goals! That you certainly didn't want to still be working at the same shop by the time you turned 30. You said that you wanted love in your life! What are you doing about it?" His reply was to grumble or make grunting noises. He just looked like he was suffering through a lecture waiting for it to be over then acting like nothing had ever happened. But I still remembered who he used to be and what he wanted from life. He had just given up on that and on himself. He put it all in the too hard basket. It took a number of years for me to realise that he wasn't interested in having any semblance of a life outside of that shop he worked at four hours a day, five days a week. He frequented the same fast food place every day and spent all the rest of his free time sleeping or on the computer, mostly on Reddit/gaming forums, porn sites and otherwise very toxic environments totally unlike the one we had found each other in. He would spend days composing SJW posts defending issues to Internet trolls, issues he did not champion nor put any work towards supporting in real life. He would then relish in telling me how he had trolled other people. He stopped writing science fiction short stories and started writing porn. He stopped reading books. He stopped watching shows. The only interests he still had were anime and a few PC games. He wasn’t even interested in the fandom we had originally met through. It became increasingly difficult to find things to talk about.

While I was off becoming a passionate feminist activist, he was digitally surrounding himself with the same sorts of people who sent us rape threats. He started using misogynistic slurs and watching harem anime, some of which he showed me honestly thinking I’d like it! (Occasionally he got it right and found an anime that we both really liked and bonded over, but that has become less frequent over the years. He doesn’t like to watch anyone else’s suggestions and wants to always be the one showing you something he has previously seen. It is vexing.) Before long, I couldn't hold regular conversations with him. He didn't follow the news, wasn't engaged in the outside world, and did not have any real passions. Outside of a limited range of anime (i.e. not horribly offensive, racist and sexist anime), the only other thing we had in common were a few videogames that we played together. And even then, he would occasionally get angry at losing and use sexist or foul language that I found very upsetting. Most of the time, when I called him out on it, he would apologise and stop… But soon enough it would creep back in.

Basically if I had met this person today, I would not be interested in pursuing a friendship with him. He is the type of individual who is going nowhere, unable or unwilling to recognize his own bullshit.

He can be very generous to his friends, especially in terms of money, which he has a comfortable amount of. But in other ways, he is intensely selfish. He never helped his parents at the family home. Appalingly, he didn't even lift a finger to help his father when he was sick with cancer. He was utterly disinterested and I needed to call his mom to found out how his dad was doing, even though he visited them for dinner weekly!). A few years ago he finally moved into a house he rents with his best friend. The house belongs to his sister, is being let out at a very cheap rate despite being a stunning home, and she is trusting him to take care of it. But most of that work falls to his best friend. He frequently skips his share of chores, leaves a mess and otherwise exhausts his poor friend who works 60 hour work weeks and is in part time study. My friend works 20 hours a week but claims he has “no time” to do basic household maintenance. He’s a self-professed “lazy bastard”. (He doesn’t see this as a problem…). I’ve lost count of the amount of arguments they have had over it. I do not mean this to sound funny, but his best friend is more like a beleaguered, 1950’s housewife, and he takes him horribly for granted and can be outright terrible to him. He puts him down and is frankly abusive towards him. I have long wanted his best friend to move out, because he is a good person and I Iove him too, but he is enmeshed in the relationship with my friend and cannot see what a bad influence he is. It’s awful to watch. I know he’s capable of keeping the place clean, because many years ago we lived together, and after one argument about his messy habits, he cleaned and tidied up just fine. He just could not be bothered to do it for anyone anymore.

In short, he's not the man I fell in love with... and I don't know what to do.

This all reached a boiling point in the last couple of weeks. I have been trying to get off a drug called Lyrica which has some very awful withdrawal effects. My friend is well aware of this because I have told him all about it and he has been supportive of my getting off them. However, my partner needs to take time off work each time I make a dose drop to ensure that I don't self-harm or get too terrified by the psychological symptoms (such as time loss and suicidal ideation). Unfortunately, he did not have enough leave saved up to do that this time, so we invited my friend to come stay with me and be there for me during what was going to be a very difficult experience. We trusted that he would be able to see me through the next 10 days.

I'm well aware that it's quite a big ask of anyone to help someone through a drug withdrawal process. It is not pleasant and if you don't have any experience in it it can be quite daunting. That said, the way things played out forced me to fully acknowledge the breathtaking emotional immaturity of my friend. Because he has locked himself away from life and avoided any and all hardships, he doesn't know what to do when faced with any sort of adversity. I was very anxious and a bit intense during the withdrawals, but I didn't try to kill myself or do anything self-destructive. I did experience time loss, which frightened me, and depression. That alone seemed to stun him. He just didn't know what to do. And I can forgive that. The problem was that his own behaviour triggered me at an especially raw time. For example, while I was silently battling dark voices in my mind telling me that I was a waste of space and life wasn't worth living, he would say things like "just die", "Die in a fire", "I hope you go to hell" and other callous remarks made “in jest”. We have always playfully bantered, but his responses to that banter have become increasingly malicious over the years. It's because of the community he surrounds himself with. Those are the sorts of things 15-year-old boys say to each other. And in terms of emotional growth, he has actually regressed to that age. He was never this mean-spirited when I met him in his early 20s. My partner took him aside one evening and politely explained to him that saying things like that to a person who is battling suicidal thoughts is not a good idea. He understood that but was unable to censor himself. He just kept doing it. He showed me anime that was so male gazey it put me off. Knowing that anime was one of the only things we could bond over, I actually looked up a recommended list of feminist anime with good storylines that we could both enjoy. But because he doesn't like to watch things he hasn't himself chosen, it was difficult. He indulged me a little but then wanted to go back to watching an anime he had already seen. He didn't seem to understand that many of his choices in recent years have been offensive and upsetting to me, and I was already a raw nerve. I kept trying to explain this to him without hurting his feelings but he seemed mystified all the same. Going for walks was one of the best ways to combat the mental struggle I was going through, and he did indulge me in a few of those, but nowhere near as many as I needed. He hates exercise.

His horrible hygiene and bad habits were also triggering my very real OCD. OCD plagues me when my anxiety is high and so it took tremendous restraint not to blow a fuse over the copious amounts of Coca-Cola cans collecting around the house, disgusting farts he dropped (and then laughed about for literally 10 minutes each time), his wearing the same pair of trousers for two weeks and the underwear he reused. He stank. I was in an enclosed space with someone who was putting no effort into making my experience more comfortable when that experience was very literally life-threatening. In the end, I had to do emotional labour to hide just how much I was suffering from him, because it made him uncomfortable or brought out some of his worst behaviours. He physically poked, prodded and elbowed me when I begged him not to. He said it was how he expressed affection. I told him it set off my anxiety. He didn't stop. It was only when my partner came home, in the late hours of the evening, when I could in whispers express my frustration. He was concerned because he too had expected my friend to rise to the challenge much better than he had. We were both disappointed. My partner and my friend get along really well and have never had any conflict in their relationship, but my partner was annoyed at the way he was acting.

I had struggled with anxiety and depression in the early years of our friendship and even though he sometimes floundered then, he still did a damn sight better than he seems capable of doing now. I cannot overstate this. The man has emotionally regressed to a teenager. He is less mature and less kind and less switched on than he was in his early 20s. He is in his mid-30s now but he does not act his age in any sense. By the time he left, I was both relieved and distraught. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. The realisation was dawning on me that I could no longer have a meaningful relationship with him. He had made that impossible. He was not someone I could rely on emotionally in any capacity, or talk to in any depth. I was going to have to treat him as a fair weather friend. He had rendered himself incapable of being anything more.

So that is why I have been having nightmares. During his time here and in the weeks following, I have dreamt about being trapped with him and trying to get him to either leave me alone or behave better, to my great vexation. I wake from the dreams emotionally exhausted and tired. We have communicated a couple of times since then on our regular gaming nights. The last one left me cold. He was losing to one of the female characters and called her a fucking bitch. It made me flinch and then it made me anxious. I left after that game and went to bed and had more nightmares.

I have tried to address a lot of this crap in him. He doesn't want to talk about it. He makes some attempt to censor his behaviour around me, but really, he shouldn't have to. His behaviour just shouldn't be this bad. And I have found myself swallowing down so much stuff that in every other sphere of my life I would not tolerate. As a feminist, it has given me a level of cognitive dissonance I can’t even begin to explain.

Look, I don't think it is wise for people to put themselves in a complete bubble with only like-minded individuals. Echo chambers can be dangerous. But I do think you need some things in common and a base level of respect. And I have learned that it is often hard to get respect from people who do not respect themselves.

I'm not sure what to do from here. I do still love him, despite all of this, and I don't want to lose him. But I'm not sure how to make this friendship sustainable. My partner has suggested that Friend and I should no longer spend one-on-one time with each other, and I strongly agree with that. Instead, when we go to visit him in his city or he comes to visit us, we should only ever be together as a group. My partner is really good at moderating this friend of mine. They have an easy-going relationship and when there’s a group dynamic he tends to behave a little better. But I can't help but feel a great sense of loss. I feel like the person I connected with all those years ago is gone. I feel like I'm keeping something going out of respect for that person, not because it is something that especially benefits me, at least on an emotional level. While I can never repay him for all the monetary gestures and support over the years, I have given him all the love I could possibly give. And honestly, you can’t put a dollar value on that. I'm just going to have to reel that back, because I can't get entangled with someone hell bent on self-destruction. I've been close to people like that, including family members, all my life and it has only brought me heart ache. I need to protect myself. I'm just figuring out the best way to do that, and it's really hard…

#confessional post #toxic relationships #toxic friendships #heartbreak #chronic illness #self destructive friends #emotional labour #sad

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artoutforblood · 6 years

Note

Do you have any first birthday reactions for the children? Bots of your choice, so could be awkward, some could go all out, Brainstorm's gifts being checked over.

The first time you celebrated your birthday aboard the Lost Light you got a free drink, a Rodimus Star, some candy from Rung, and a deadly game of hide and seek with your favorite local lobster man. Needless to say, you were quite concerned coming upon the seven year old’s, Brook’s, birthday and the bots decided to throw a party. You wonder if it was wise to tell Swerve about birthday parties, but the look on the their face when they saw everyone gathered around with presents in their hands and the cake you and Swerve made swept those concerns under the rug.

For the most part.

Rodimus, with your help and advice (and some sleepless nights while you both tried to finish the darn thing in time), fashioned a costume in the likeness of his alt mode and by coincidence the hot wheels car they owned. The kind that they can transform by kneeling. It even had a Rodimus Star pinned on the bumper! Brook had to halt the whole party to get into it with your help. He called them “Rodimus Junior” for the rest of the day with a note of pride.

Drift and Ratchet were some of the few who knew about Brook’s fear of the dark, possibly stemming from the power outage that occurred on the ship you found them on. Drift wanted to make them something, Ratchet wanted to give them something useful, so they wound up making a salt crystal lamp, not to get confused with salt rock lamps. The light refracted against the crystal made a warm aurora in the dark that even lulled your more hyperactive kids when they showcased it. Brook would be later found sleeping on Ratchet’s chest with the nightlight glowing against the wall and Drift taking pictures.

Brainstorm’s gift was first opened by you and Perceptor in another room. You didn’t know what to make of it at first, but Perceptor cleared it of weapons, only finding (and disabling) the three he found. Brainstorm must’ve been holding back, you noted. Later, when it was his presents turn, he was practically jumping on the heels of his pedes when they opened up their very own mecha armour. The kids got turns sitting in the cockpit and admiring their new, well, you hesitated calling it a toy. But you didn’t miss the glint in Stormy’s optics. You knew sooner or later you were going to have a small army of mecha armoured children.

Rung had asked for your help getting Brook a present, and so you two ended up window shopping on the next planet. You came across a lot of amazing things, but nothing that they would have liked, until you came across bookstore. Brook did enjoy Rung’s story time, but they didn’t have any books of their own. Eventually, you both settled on a book full of classic fairytales from that planet. Brook was flipping through the pages, filled with beautiful illustrations and new stories just ready to be dived into.

Rewind and Chromedome’s gift was easy, but it meant a lot to the homesick children. A holographic map of the Milky Way galaxy, the Sol System. You felt tears in the back of your eyes as you watched them gather around, watching Earth turn around the sun. Some of the older kids had to turn away, trying to keep anyone from seeing them cry. This one was shared between them all, kept in their dormitory. You thanked Rewind and Chromedome yourself once all was said and done.

Ultra Magnus was at a loss. He had originally wanted to give them a manuscript of the Autobot Code, which was so full of boring textbook jargon that it made your eyes glaze over. You managed to persuade him away from that, so instead he gave them a jacket with an Autobot patch and named them an honorary Autobot in Training, or Junior Autobot. You had a feeling Minimus Ambus might’ve had something to do with the carefully sown patch.

Tailgate and Cyclonus wanted to do something special. Correction, Tailgate wanted to do something special and pulled Cyclonus into it. They has spent weeks trying to figure something out, something perfect for them, but kept scrapping ideas. It wasn’t until Brook mentioned how much they wanted to learn to ride a hoverboard that a lightbulb went off in their heads. Brook opened up a brand new hoverboard with Tailgate’s promise to teach them everything he knew. You would’ve been more concerned if you didn’t know Cyclonus would be there keeping them from hurting themselves.

Swerve and Skids helped make the cake with you, along with all the other human comfort foods you somehow found ingredients for. That would’ve been enough, but they love these kids and decided to go the extra mile and bought them every episode of their favorite cartoon series, for all of the kids to enjoy. You three ended up marathoning it with them later. It was old, and the CGI was frankly terrible, but the characters were lovable and the story was good. And it felt normal, and nice, which was something these kids sorely needed.

Nautica wanted to give Brook something useful too, and that’s why you raised your eyebrows at the stuffed teddy bear they unwrapped. Of course, Brook was ecstatic, they had been without a stuffed animal until then. Nautica was beaming when she told them that if they ever were afraid, they only needed to press a kiss to Brownie’s (Brook named the bear) nose and the stuffed bear would protect them. You didn’t know how literal she was until Brook woke up from a nightmare, kissed Brownie’s nose, and the teddy bear came to life and, after looking for the threat, held Brook until they went back to sleep. Which you only found out since you came to investigate their screams and found the bear staring at you while holding the sleeping child. You nodded. He nodded. You went back to sleep.

Whirl didn’t know what to get the kids. He didn’t. And you vetoed anymore hide n seeks. So he had no choice but to go to you and Rung for advice, because dammit he was not going to let that kid go without a stinkin’ present! Your guys’ advice was to give him something from the spark, something that would mean something to you both. Brook opened up their present with Whirl nervously looking over their shoulder. It was a pocket watch. It was plain silver and gold, and it worked fine. Nothing fancy, but clawed on the inside was “From Lobster Man”. Brook never went a day without it.

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petergrantkavinsky · 6 years

Text

Calloween Party

Note: It’s Halloween and Cal’s birthday! Sorry for the title. To be fair, I wrote this yesterday when I was sick. Still am today.

Word count: 3,024 (I tried to make it shorter. I don’t know what happened.)

KILORN

I first heard of the word Halloween from Cal. It was one late night, and we were bonding over a bottle of plum wine.

“Come on, tell me more stories about your life as prince,” I said.

I don’t know when and why I started wanting to get to know Cal. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a guy friend. My one and only best friend in the world has always been Mare Barrow. And while I consider Mare’s brothers my friends too, they’re more like brothers to me, in the same way that Gisa feels more like a little sister than a friend. So maybe I just wanted a guy friend, for a change.

Or perhaps it’s because Cal and I are more alike than I’d like to admit.

I may not be a prince, I may not have been betrayed by my own brother, but like him, I have no one. No family, no home, no nothing. Like Cal, there’s not a single thing I can call ‘mine’ in this world. We’re two lonely souls looking for the place where we belong.

Cal sighed deeply. “If there’s one thing I miss the most, it’s my birthday party. It was a double celebration every year because my birthday and Halloween fall on the same day.”

“Halloween?”

“Oh. It’s a celebration every 31st of October. Though, the people no longer celebrate it today.”

“Halloween, huh. Then how come you celebrated it? Was that another perk of being royalty? Your Highness?” I added the last part with a smirk to let him know I was only teasing him.

The smile on his face faded, and I felt guilty, thinking I might have offended him. “It’s my mom,” he said. “Julian told me when Mom was still alive, she’d often read his books, and she found out about Halloween from those books. When she realized she was going to give birth to me in October, she asked my father to hold a Halloween ball, like a welcome party for me, you know. Of course, Father would do anything for her, so he said yes in a heartbeat and asked the palace staff to do the necessary preparations.”

I nodded, absorbing this new information and prodding him to continue. “She didn’t really plan to attend the Halloween ball since she was very much pregnant by then. According to Julian, she only wanted to hold that ball mainly for the children. She loved children, all of them. And because she couldn’t invite Red children to the palace, she asked Sara, her then lady-in-waiting, and some of her most trusted palace stuff to knock on as many doors as they could and deliver food to families and candies for the children.”

He proceeded to explain a Halloween custom called trick-or-treat, where the children wear costumes of their choice, travel from house-to-house, and ask for treats. If no treat is given, they would make fun of you.

I instantly realized that Cal got his soft spot for children from his mother. They were the same. “So Queen Coriane sort of did the trick-or-treat except that it was no trick, and she was the one giving treats.” I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but I did.

Cal smiled, looking so proud of his mother. “Exactly.”

“Wow.” I was amazed by what I learned about Halloween, but mostly by the kindness that the late queen had shown.

“My mom was never present in any of my birthday parties. She’d died four months before I celebrated my first.” He said the last part so softly and quietly, as if he didn’t want me to hear. He cleared his throat and continued. “I guess that’s the reason I had Halloween-themed birthday parties all my life. Because Halloween was Mom’s thing, and Father wanted me to feel her presence on my birthday.”

“That… that’s thoughtful of your father,” I said because I didn’t really know what to say.

Cal just gave me a sad smile and looked away. Just like that, he got lost in his thoughts. He probably missed his mother. That much was clear by the look on his face.

At that moment, I felt his loss and yearning.

At that moment, I felt we became friends.

And at that moment, a wonderful idea struck me.

I have found the perfect birthday gift for my new friend.

If you told me weeks ago that I would be hosting a Halloween birthday party for a Silver prince—no less, I would laugh at your face and call your bluff because there was absolutely no way that would happen in this universe. Heck, weeks ago, I didn’t even have an idea what a freaking Halloween was.

But tonight, here I am, doing exactly just that.

The morning after Cal and I had that conversation over plum wine, I immediately shared my idea with Mare, Farley, Gisa, and Ada. I had to tell them of what I knew about Halloween, and Ada suggested we borrowed Julian’s books for more information.

“I didn’t know you two are close enough for you to do this,” Farley said.

I wasn’t sure either, so I chose to ignore her comment. “To be honest, I think we all need this. We need to take a break and have fun.” Then I turned to Mare. “Right, Mare? If you want, this could be our gift for him. What do you think?”

Before Mare could answer, Gisa giggled. “I think Mare has a more… special gift for Cal.”

Mare instantly turned beet red, while Farley and Ada just laughed. Meanwhile, I just stood there, completely awkward and uncomfortable. Even though it no longer hurt me, I still didn’t want to imagine my best friend’s sex life.

The five of us, plus five-month old Clara, spent the whole day in Julian’s quarters and read his books, researching Halloween and possible costumes each of us could wear. Ada was by my side, assisting me in my reading. As we did our research, Clara turned into a sweet angel, sleeping soundly in her bassinet that Farley had brought with them.

And tonight our little Halloween birthday party is being held here at Farley and Clara’s apartment, which is like twenty steps away from the Barrows’. The whole place has been turned into a little haunted house. Since the lights are off, the room is only illuminated by Christmas lights hanging on the walls, windows, and ceiling. Fake spider webs and bats are attached to the Christmas lights. Jack o’ lanterns of different sizes are found everywhere. There are also literally creepy looking masks courtesy of Bree and Tramy who decided to contribute and be artistic. Gisa and Ada have been very resourceful in looking for all the necessary materials.

Cal knows about the Halloween party tonight; what he doesn’t know is that it is his birthday party. We’ve agreed that nobody will greet Cal until tonight. We’re going to make him think as if nobody has remembered his birthday—Gisa’s idea.

“So, what do you think?” Gisa gives me a twirl to emphasize her strapless white dress and bare feet. “Do I look like Ariel from The Little Mermaid?”

I give her a quick once-over and shake my head. “Not really. For one, you have legs. Mermaids don’t have legs.” She frowns, and I chuckle. We were reading Julian’s old fairy tale books to look for character inspirations when I came across The Little Mermaid and suggested Ariel to Gisa just because they’re both redheads. But the thing is, it was too difficult to make a mermaid costume even for a talented seamstress like Gisa. Besides, we lacked some materials. So she just decided to dress up as human Ariel, instead of mermaid princess Ariel.

I actually considered The Little Mermaid genderbent for myself—The Little Merman. I thought the mermaid in the story and I were somewhat the same. Not Walt Disney’s sugarcoated version, but the original The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen, the story that Sara told the children one afternoon during her storytelling time with them. Like the mermaid in the story, I was heartbroken.

“What about you? You don’t look like Nemo either.” Gisa chides playfully. Then, as if realizing something, she suddenly laughs. “Why are you a fish, anyway?”

“It’s because I’m not yet wearing my headdress. Just wait and see. And besides, you’re a mermaid, so you should treat fish like me with love and respect. We’re both creatures of the sea.”

She stops laughing for a second only to start again.

The party is in full swing when Cal and Mare arrive. They are dressed as Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, respectively, which is perfect considering their one-foot height difference, though Cal seems too big to be Peter Pan. In their hands are boxes of cupcakes and cookies. Their faces are slightly covered in flour, and there are stains of chocolate on Cal’s sleeves. They must have done the baking in their costumes.

Farley was the one who opened the door for them. She’s dressed as Diana Prince, which is absolutely perfect because she and the Amazon princess are the same in more ways than just their first name. Clara is in her arms looking adorable in her bumblebee costume that Gisa patiently sewed for her. “Where have the two of you been?”

Like the other day, before any of them could answer, Gisa appears and makes a point to place her hands on her hips. “Really, Mare?! On Mom’s kitchen counter?!”

“No!” Mare and Cal said at the same time. They’re both blushing, it looks comical.

“Will you please stop with your… sex jokes? They’re not funny.” Mare reprimands.

“Just kidding.” Gisa winks and begins to walk away back to her face painting booth where Cameron, Morrey, and Luther are waiting in the line.

Cal places the boxes on the coffee table and looks around the place. “Wow. This party looks great. You guys have outdone yourselves.”

Farley pointedly looks at me before placing Clara in Cal’s arms. “Will you take her to the children’s games? She’d love to win the plushy prizes. I would take her myself, but I have something to do.”

Cal carefully adjusts his hold on Clara who keeps babbling and giggling. “Yeah, sure.” He removes one arm from Clara for a moment to give Farley a mock salute which she just smirks at. “But General, you might also want to take a break and have fun tonight.”

“I’ll be back before you know it.” Farley says and discreetly looks at Mare and me, reminding us of our plan.

“I’ll take these boxes to the dining area.” Mare says.

“I’ll help you.”

MARE

Kilorn and I meet in Farley’s room where Farley and Ada have been waiting. Ada looks pretty cool and smart in her NASA costume.

“Looking lovely, Ada,” I tell her.

“Oh, thanks. You too, Mare.”

The plan is to disappear from the party and let Cal be with all the children. Gisa has to stay because she’s the one facilitating the children’s games.

After reviewing our plan to make sure everything goes smoothly, Kilorn, Farley, and Ada leave to do their respective tasks, leaving me alone in Farley’s room, the door ajar, from where I’m observing the party.

But mostly, I’m just looking at Cal.

I’m certain I’m having a tunnel vision where Cal is the focal point.

It’s a beautiful picture. He’s holding bumblebee Clara while playing games with the children and helping them win the prizes. The children adore him.

He’s smiling so brightly his eyes crinkle in the corner. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen him smile like this before. Being with the children makes him happy and feel like he’s one of them, carefree and oblivious to the bad things in the real world. They make him forget about the grown-up problems that he’s facing.

And seeing him happy makes me happy too.

At some point, Clara begins to squirm in his arms and cry a little. Cal starts cooing at her and makes silly faces in an attempt to calm her down. The sight is perfect it makes me giggle. However, it has the opposite effect this time, and Clara starts crying a little louder. Cal knows what the crying means because the two of us are usually Clara’s babysitters whenever Farley has some work to do and can’t take her baby with her. Realizing that Clara wants to refill her little tummy, Cal looks around, obviously looking for Farley, and I quickly close the door before he can spot me.

I lean against the door and find myself smiling like an idiot over the sight of a tall guy dressed as Peter Pan holding a fat little bumblebee baby in his arms. I’m totally a goner.

God, Mare. Get it together!

When I reopen the door, Cal has found Clara’s bottles which are placed on the coffee table, and Clara is now heartily drinking from one of them. Cal keeps making silly faces at her, and I can tell from the way Clara is moving her hands and feet that she’s just as smitten as I am.

After that, Cal and Clara go back to join the other children and continue to win as many plushies as they can.

Before I know it, it’s already 23:45. It’s time to execute the surprise.

By this time, the children’s games have ended, and they are now dancing and playing with each other. Cal is sitting on the loveseat, Clara soundly sleeping in his arms. He’s chatting with Luther who’s dressed as Stitch and looking at the baby with wonders in his eyes. I don’t know how Cal has managed to do it, but all this time, he’s never put Clara down.

“It’s time, Mare. The lights will be off in three… two…” Indeed, the lights are turned off even before Kilorn finishes his countdown. “Come on, we’ve got to show up now.”

Before we leave Farley’s room, I get my gift for Cal. I wrapped it yesterday and kept it here in Farley’s room. I just hope he’ll like it.

The living area where the party is being held is now dark and silent. “Mare? Kilorn? Where are you?” It’s Cal, and based on where his voice is coming from, I can tell he’s stood up from the loveseat. “It’s late. I think Clara wants to sleep now.”

Kilorn and I nod at each other, and with a flick of my finger, all lights are turned on, and confetti and balloons of different shapes and colors are now flying everywhere.

“Happy birthday, Cal!” We all shout in unison. The children laugh and jump as they try to reach for the balloons.

For a moment, Cal does not say anything and just looks all over the place. And then, he shifts his gaze at us. He smiles and is about to open his mouth to say something when the silence is broken by Clara’s cries.

“Alright. I think it’s bedtime for my little dove,” Farley says. “But maybe you can blow this candle first, so I can take her from you?” She then moves the Halloween birthday cake that she’s holding closer to Cal.

“The General and I baked the cake. Our gift.” Ada says with a smile. “Before you blow the candle, make a wish.”

And that’s exactly what Cal does. Farley then places the cake on the coffee table and takes her daughter from Cal.

Finally, Cal speaks. “Wow. I thought… I thought you guys have forgotten.”

“How could we? Never.” I say as I walk closer to him. Then I stand on my tiptoes, throw my arms around his neck, and hug him. And he hugs me back. “Happy birthday, Cal.” After a few seconds, I step away from him and give him my gift. “For you.”

He tries to shake the box to guess what’s inside. “This… is a little heavy. Should I open it now?”

“No.” I look around, at everyone who’s watching us. “I think you should open it later.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Kilorn clears his throat. “So, I don’t have a material gift for you, but this party, this Halloween birthday party, this is my gift. Gisa actually helped a lot.” He turns to Gisa who smiles at Cal and mouths happy birthday. “I know this is nothing compared to the Halloween balls you had in the palace, but—”

To our surprise and delight, Cal envelopes Kilorn in a man hug. “Of course. Of course, it was you. This party was your idea. After I told you about Halloween and all…” He releases Kilorn and looks all over the place again. “You’re right. This party is not comparable to the ones I had in the palace because this is so much better.” And then he looks at all of us. “This is real. A real party.”

Kilorn blinks as if he can’t believe what he heard him say. I know we all have the same reaction because Cal almost never shows this real version of him to everyone. Kilorn then shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Damn right!” And to everyone, he says, “The night is young. Let’s party!”

“Just please don’t be too loud, okay? I’ll take Clara to bed now. And make sure to clean your mess before you leave my house.” Farley orders.

“Yes, General!” Kilorn replies with a mock salute before leading everyone to the dining area where the food and drinks are waiting.

I take Cal’s hand in mine. “Shall we to Neverland, Peter Pan?”

He laces our fingers together and brings them to his lips to give my knuckles a kiss. “We shall, Tinkerbell.”

I wanted this night to be perfect to make Cal realize that he can be happy in our company, that we as his friends are enough, that I am enough. That if ever the time comes where he has to pick a side, he’d always choose me.

And tonight, I feel that he would.

I can only hope I’m right.

#red queen #red queen fan fiction #by yours truly #kilorn warren #cal calore #mare barrow #mare x cal #marecal #text #mine

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dravencroft · 5 years

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These past four days were crazy because we played D&D for two days at a friend’s house, then we moved to my house and played VtM for two more days and let me at least post some highlights of the VtM New Year’s one-shot because it was the craziest thing EVER and I’m so damn happy

Okay so the premise our GM gave us a couple of weeks ago was “create a human character, give them a vague backstory and make an incomplete character sheet and I’ll take it from there. Don’t choose a clan!!”

So I created Cinnamon Roll Malika, an adorable university student with a wonderfully lively attitude, a lot of close friends, a nice family and a happy and simple life. We started playing in a normal situation, I spent an afternoon with my three best friends and then we went together to a pub to celebrate the birthday of one of us and it was such a nice introduction? I should have suspected something was off lol

My friends’ characters were a crazy businessman who moonlights as the leader of a really weird and confusionary sect of people who try to sacrifice stuff to Cain in order to become “vampires” (but ALL their info is 100% wrong and hilarious) and a young drop-out student who part-times as a delivery guy and who’s obsessed with conspiracy theories and cryptids... Nice indeed

We obviously ended up in the same pub, where all of a sudden a creepy guy who was singing at the karaoke got angry and smashed the barman’s head with the microphone. His three friends shrugged, the lights went out and we heard screams and there was blood everywhere and something bit my neck. It was the most painful Kiss ever (of course... why can’t I have a normal Kiss for once)

We woke up in a park a few hours later. I was at 1 blood point so I went straight into a frenzy as soon as I opened my eyes, I jumped on a poor policeman who was trying to check on us three and literally RIPPED HIS HEAD OFF WITH MY BARE HANDS and drank his blood. GM: “You realize you hear a weird melody in your mind”. Me “NO WAY I’M A FUCKING DAUGHTER OF CACOPHONY THERE ARE LIKE... TWO AND A HALF IN THE WHOLE WORLD”. GM: “:)”

We were greeted by an old magician (???) who explained a few things to us and sent us somewhere else to get information from... a character from our old main chronicle oh gosh what was he even doing there we still don’t kNOW but anyway he gave us info on where to find my Sire

On our way there, we were all hungry. We saw a nice family with two dads and a little boy. My allies killed the two dads, I fucccccckkkking OBLITERATED THE KID EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT HIM AAAAAAGH it was so emotional, I kept hugging the body and repeating to myself I didn’t do anything wrong... Why do I always end up killing little kids in our games, it’s the second time already and I always manage to never lose Humanity

Finally found my Sire. I just wanted to talk but she got on my nerves and told me my best friends were dead so I went into my third frenzy. Then a fourth time. It was a really tough fight and the lady was REALLY strong, I was two damage points away from torpor, then... my Sire tried to run away, I went mad and tried to stop her. I ripped her heart out of her chest. Mind me, my character was being controlled by the GM because of the frenzy. I smashed her heart and BIT HER AND AND AND AND I DIABLERIZED HER?????? JUST LIKE THAT??? ON MY SECOND NIGHT OF UN-LIFE?????????????????????????????????? The GM was so amused, he rolled so freaking well he managed to let me diablerize her straight away aaaaaaargh I didn’t want all of thiiiiisssssss

Long story short, I went from 8 Humanity to THREE HUMANITY even though during all my previous kills I managed to avoid losing Humanity thanks to my great rolls. Malika is completely mad now, like, she can hear and see music and she really lost her mind... I’m an 8th generation Daughter of Cacophony y’ a l l

My poor, little cinnamon roll. She didn’t want all of this. She was so happy with her friends. I’m so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it was the best game ever, so crazy... The businessman turned out to be a Lasombra Bahli who ended up making a deal with a demon, and the other guy was a Caitiff with Auspex, Serpentis and Celerity :’) and for some reason I had SEVEN DOTS in Melpominee. It was really really nice. But I don’t want to touch this character ever again omfg it was really emotional to play as her, so painful... She changed so much in just two nights gggghhhhhh

#Daken.txt #this got extremely long but I need to scream into the void because this two-day session was the best thing I've ever played #my GM is delightfully evil when he wants to and I loved every minute of this #but my poor girl... my Malika... aaaaah I need to draw every single moment now #Vampire the Masquerade #Daken plays VtM #long post #very long post

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flurrys-creativity · 4 years

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The extremely large tag game

I was tagged by @thatmultifandomhoe again :) aaand I decided to just do the tag games I haven’t done before, which means it’s still a large tag game but not extremely large 😁

Let’s start:

1. Enter 15 of your biases and put them in this order to discover the story of your life

Parent: Woosung (nooooo)

Sibling: Yoongi (we are pretty similar...)

Grandparent: Eunwoo (really?!)

Haunts you: Minho (Shinee) (he definitely does)

Significant other: Mark Tuan (yessssssssss)

Ex: T.O.P (oh wow)

Best friend: Wow (nice)

Proposed to you: Lee Know (uuuuuh)

Your boss: Lucas (in what job?)

Random person you meet at the bar: Seonghwa (sounds like fun)

Rival: Young K (oh boi)

First kiss: Changkyun (oh boi the second)

Drunk and singing karaoke with: Yeonjun (aand now I have this iconic scene from his introduction video in my mind)

Played 7 minutes in heaven with: Johnny (oh boi the third)

Gave you your favourite dessert: Taemin (yessss the sweetest)

2. Describe your bias by their vibes as if they were someone in your life. (I’m just doing a few otherwise it’s too much)

Yoongi (BTS): He’s that guy in your classes who is just there. Sometimes late but whenever you have to do group projects he comes to you and ask you to work together because he knows you work just as efficient as himself and hate unnecessary bla bla. And you actually love his quiet work ethic. And he always has some original ideas, which you love. And he loves how enthusiastic you get about his ideas. Yeah.. that’s Yoongi.

Mark (GOT7): He is that guy you get to know through others. Like your friend invites you to a party of one of her friends and you go to that party and don’t know any of the people but they are really welcoming and funny and now you’re friends with them as well. And now you’re together in a teamspeak channel with them and there are a few other you haven’t met personally yet but his voice is so endearing and you love talking to him and he is really funny but shy and now you are watching Avatar: The legend of Aang with him even though both of you are miles apart but thank you netflix and teamspeak for making it still possible.

Young K (Day6): He is literally your best friend. He just vibes with you and doesn’t mind your laziness. Instead he just sits down right next to you and does nothing as well. It’s wonderful, especially because sometimes he is just as crazy as you and you can just do the most random stuff. And sometimes you just drive to him in the middle of the night and drop into his bed and then you watch movies. For others it seems like you’re in a relationship but in reality you are just so so close. You love him.. like some sort of family member.

Lee Know (Stray Kids): He is that guy you met on a birthday party of a friend. You were pretty shy and quiet and most likely just sat there with a drink and watched every other guest mingle. And at one point he just sits down next to you and starts a conversation and you have no idea how it happened but now you are discussing which venom is the most efficient. It’s a weird topic and nobody else joins you (why would that be?) anyway you enjoy his company soo much that you keep in contact and meet regularly. And whenever you do you can be sure to discuss a new strange topic.

Woosung (The Rose): He is that super outgoing guy. You met him during a training and funny enough he is a friend of a friend of yours and that friend talked about you and he just remembered the stories but you never heard of him. You were quite confused when he approached you and treated you like you were best buddies. Like he came to you and threw an arm around your shoulder and started talking and you were soo overwhelmed and you might have a crush on him now.

Seonghwa (Ateez): Oh, Seonghwa is that super hot guy in one of your classes but he is suuper charming and nice. And you have no idea how it happened but one day he just sat next to you and wow that is so cliche but he forgot his pencilcase and you give him a pen. And then the professor asks the class to work in pairs and he immediately turns to you with a sly grin. “partners?” and you just have to grin as well and somehow you work really well together. And now both of you meet to eat lunch together regularly and you feel just really lucky to be friends with him.

3. Question tag

Relationships: Which lasted longer than two weeks? 4 and those are the only ones I really count

Break-ups: 4 as well

Kids: none.. maybe 2 adopted in the future?

Brothers and sisters: 2 younger sisters

Pets: my parents have 3 dogs and I want to have pets in the future as well

Surgeries: Wisdom tooth removal

Tattoos: 3 for now but there are more to come

Countries you’ve been to: With my home country 14

Been in an airplane: yes, several times

Been in an ambulance: no

I sing karaoke: yes, when I am bold enough

Ice skating: I actually think it’s easier than roller blading and yeah I like it but I haven’t done it in years

Been on a cruise: no

Driven a motorcycle: not yet

Ridden a horse: yes

Stayed in a hospital: well as a baby I think.. for a few days right after birth? Not sure though

Favourite fruit or berry: uhm.. I mostly eat banana but I love raspberries

Favourite colour: Ocean blue

Last text: “Das müssen wir noch zu ende sehen 🙈” (trans: We need to finish watching that) And that was a text to answer my “Mark Tuan” friend who sent me a meme and since we need to watch the last few episodes of A:TLA

Cat or dog: If I have to choose dog but I would like to have both one day

Met a star: yes (I met the german voice of harry potter aand of course thanks to hi-touches day6, the rose and got7)

Flown a helicopter: noo

Been on TV: Yeah.. my father got interviewed and I was in the background

Broken my leg: nope

Seen a ghost: Well... not like “yeah that’s definitely a ghost” just shadows out of the corner of my eye

Been sick in a taxi: definitely not

Seen someone die: thankfully not in real life

4. Fifteen questions tag

One: it’s your birthday! what did you ask for?

I mostly ask for some kpop albums.. and if they don’t want to give me those just money or nothing..

Two: what was the last song / album you listened to?

Consciously listening to? Magical Waltz Music- Dark Masquerade playlist on youtube.. unconsciously it was the truth untold by BTS (it’s the last song of my sleeping playlist)

Three: what is your go to snack when you’re hungry?

Uhm.... cornflakes? or if I eat healthy a nut mix..

Four: what is your morning routine?

Depends on the day.. if I have to be somewhere: wake up and get up, pick clothes and phone, start a funky playlist and shower, get dressed, eat a banana, brush teeth, get ready and leave.. if I don’t have to be somewhere: wake up, stay in bed and check messages and social media, get up, eat breakfast like more than just a banana, get my laptop and start my day online.. and if I’m sporty: I wake up, dress in sportswear, run a mile, shower, dress in something else, eat breakfast and check my phone, and then the rest.. think I should start that sporty routine again :D

Five: what mythical creature would you be?

Kelpie! Or anything living in water.. but most likely Kelpie!

Six: how do you interact with someone you don’t like?

I don’t.. like no.. I just don’t interact with them.. and should they approach me I tell them that I don’t want to talk with them and leave.. like I am not obligated to stay with them and interact with them when I don’t feel good doing that..

Seven: how do you define a toxic person?

Hmm.. someone who is purposefully manipulating you to do stuff you don’t want to.. someone who drags you down and someone who leaves a bitter taste and a feeling of dread when you think about them.. someone you try to avoid because you unconsciously know you don’t feel good near them..

Eight: have you ever been to a concert or a fan-meet? if not, would you want to?

Yes! Concerts! GOT7 two times, The Rose two times and Day6 one time.. and with hi-touch, which was wonderful!

Nine: do you believe in astrology? why or why not?

Not like I choose stuff according to my astrology but I am intrigued by it! It is really interesting and I love reading about it!

Ten: if you could have only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.) which would you keep?

Definitely hearing! Everything else can go but I need my hearing!

Eleven: who is your favourite celebrity or idol?

All time favourite? Probably Tom Hiddleston.. or Orlando Bloom.. right now? Mr. Kim Seokjin!

Twelve: if you could talk to your favourite celebrity for a limited time, what would you tell them?

This would be Jin right now.. and I would thank him for his hard work and that he is inspiring me to work hard as well.. and I would tell him that I love his humour and his jokes and that he really helps me lifting my mood when I’m down and I would ask him if he wanted to cook together with me because I think it would be fun and maybe even a little relaxing..

Thirteen: I’m taking you out on a date. where are we going?

Aquarium? I’ve never been on a date.. so no idea? But I read about cute dates and the aquarium ideas always spoke to me on a different level..

Fourteen: do you prefer sweet or savory?

Depends on my mood.. but for some time now it has been sweet..

Fifteen: do you have any Merch from any of your favourite artists?

Yes! Several albums from Ateez, Big Bang, BTS, Day6, Got7, Stray Kids, The Rose and TxT.. and Cooky! like JK’s BT21 character as a plushie! I love it and take him everywhere!

Woah that was it.. should you have made it until down here.. respect.. I had the most fun with the second part actually.. that was really nice..

So.. now I’m not tagging anyone since I didn’t do the whole original thing.. but whoever wants to do the “shortened” version is welcome to do it.

#tag game #tagged #a long one #loved doing this

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dandelliongirl · 5 years

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It’s April tomorrow

and spring has sprung!

The season is changing slowly but surely... Too slowly for my current liking though.

Ha - I did manage a March blog post (it’s the 31st today). Overall the entire month of March dragged on for a needlessly long time with nothing too exciting going on so I didn’t particularly feel like blogging. My guy and I have been to two dance rehearsals for my graduation ball in May so far and it has been a lot of fun. I’ve loved being silly and goofing around with him. He did the dances a total of 3 times in high school (his friends’, his own and mine) and mine was only 7-ish years ago so both of us know the steps pretty well from memory. I don’t know if dance rehearsal is as much fun for him as it is for me but I’ve been loving spending time with him. My outfit for the ball is almost finished. My top for the evening needs to be sewn together and the hemline of the skirt cut and finished to be the right length. I just got shoes last week and ordered my graduation ring so everything should be in order.

I did my gig judging the dance competition in February and it was an interesting experience. I liked seeing all the choreographies but the juding process was needlessly complicated with a long form that all of us 3 judges had to fill in for each competing group. In addition we only had from 30 seconds to a couple of minutes between each performance so I felt like I couldn’t really give any actual constructive criticism. Also we had to decide on the winners in less than 10 minutes, which was pretty stressful. In the end we all agreed but it was really difficult and my hand hurt for many days after from writing so much and so fast.

My guy’s friend from Japan visited us for a week at the end of February. The boys spent a lot of time together and I spent time with mum. We went and got facials together, and I celebrated a friend’s birthday making brownies with her. Mum had her second big surgery on the 27th but it went better this time around and dad was on his spring break so he could pick her up and bring her home early.

March was a very busy month at work. The good kind of busy though. The kind that makes me feel important and doesn’t give me time to question being hired to do nothing. We’ve been training faculty coordinators and helping them create timetables for the upcoming academic year. I’ve been in charge of these trainings and I really love it. I love helping people and coming up with solutions to their problems. Whenever the coordinators apologise for the inconvenience of their stupid questions and their constant complaining regarding the new data systems I like to tell them that as long as they have questions and complaints I have a job. Their bitching is paying my mortgage and I know it’s directed at the system not at me, so I really don’t mind. It’s completely understandable and most issues these people have are issues I’ve discovered myself and agree with completely. So all in all I’m really grateful to be in the job I’m in for two more years. I’m still looking forward to summer break though and all the exciting springtime events like Easter break, dance recitals and the big official conferment of degrees. I have felt like everything’s at a standstill so I’m hoping spring will pick up it’s pace.

My friend is currently on her first 3 week trip to Japan. I’m super happy for her but it does make me miss Japan terribly. Last year at this time I was over there enjoying the warmth and the beauty of the cherry blossoms. I’m already planning to go back, hopefully next spring. I’m obsessively updating my friend’s instagram feed to see when she’ll be posting pictures from her trip. I gave her a list (and a reference picture) of some Sanrio products I want her to try and get me from there and I’m really hoping she can find at least some of it.

Ballet is still a struggle. Now that my friend (the one who’s in Japan right now) only goes once a week and I have no other real friends there I have no motivation and literally have to force myself to go. Not that I don’t enjoy ballet itself but it’s frustrating because I feel like we’re not making any progress and we’re stuck repeating the same things over and over. Also we’re still stuck in the stupid regular gym hall with those few crappy portable mirrors and either the wall bars/ladders or portable bars. I want to see what I’m doing, I want friends and I want new challenges. I’m glad we only have two months until summer.

I’ve started working on a bit of a book project. It’s more like a collection of essays regarding various topics that are relevant to me and my life than a book but I’ve wanted to collect my thoughts for a while now and since I’ll be turning 25 in a few weeks I thought it’d be cool to write down a collection of thoughts to celebrate a quarter of a century. I’ve been loving reading and writing now that I don’t have to do it for school/uni. I’ve already planned a somewhat of a structure for it and written down some ideas and topics. Today I’m planning to start with the first essay, which will be about me and who I am as a 25 year old. The project will span my entire 25th year so I’m definitely not trying to finish by my birthday.

My guy has spent this weekend visiting his parents. His dad is working hard on his electoral campaign for the parliament so my guy wanted to go see how it’s going. My guy is going to be working as an election officer on the actual election day.

With my guy being gone I’ve also spent the weekend with my parents. Yesterday we went to the grocery store and visited the cottage for a campfire and roasted sausages. Dad and I went on a 40-ish minute snowshoe walk and it was a lot of fun. I got to explore parts of the forest I would otherwise never go to because during the summer it’s filled with mosquitoes, snakes and scratchy shrubbery. This was a whole new realm for me and I haven’t been on snowshoes since I was probably like 9 years old or younger. Nature really has a calming effect and I could feel the stress I didn’t even know I was holding onto melt away as I navigated between the branches and fallen trees. My new sleeping cottage is supposed to be finished by Easter and I absolutely can’t wait to get to take in the furniture, start decorating the place and plant flowers. It seems like such a far away future in which it’ll be summer and I’ll be reading books, playing Animal Crossing and taking naps in my new cottage.. It’s been over a year now since the project started and I cannot wait to have it finished...

Dad bought me my 6th Maileg bunny from the flea market this Saturday. His name is Basil and he’s my birthday present. Dad got all 5 of my Mailegs from Sweden whenever he went on his annual fishing trip but it’s been more than ten years since my collection grew. I brought my old clothes that grandmum made my original bunny (the one called Rose whom my little sleeping cottage was named after) and I can’t wait to get them in some fresh outfits.

Today dad and I went for what was probably our last ski trip this season. It was a nice and warm day and we spent almost an hour out on skis but it was really messy from all the pine needles and twigs and the snow was much more like slush with occasional ice fields than snow. In any case I got some fresh air and exercise and that felt nice. I woke up really early today to vacuum the house and put up Easter decorations before going skiing with dad and so today feels really productive. I love weekends like this that feel both relaxing and productive. And I’m proud for getting up early despite daylight savings!

We still have no news on Animal Crossing Switch.. The fandom seems to be holding out hopes for an April direct before Reggie retires as president of Nintendo of America, and because Nintendo doesn’t usually go without a direct before E3, but I’m not holding my breath. The only thing I’m hoping for regarding the new game, is that local multiplayer, visiting dream towns and having at least one person visit you over the internet would be possible without the switch online service bullshit. I’m sure local wireless will be possible. As for the rest I’m not too hopeful.. I’d be fine with having to pay to access 8 people online multiplayer as long as I could keep trading turnips with one person and not pay 40€ a year for it... I also don’t want Animal Crossing to change too drastically. I just want a better New Leaf with more customisation, new items, bigger towns and better villager interactions... I also want to be rewarded for my ACPC grind in some way.. Anyway, in the meantime I’ve been enjoying some Sims 4. For the first time since I was a child I’ve been playing through an actual story. It’s the story of a young adult called Theodore (Theo), who moved away from home to start working as a bartender and gain money to win custody of her teenage sister Journey. She adopted Journey and they lived together in a very crappy starter home for a while, but I just moved them into a two bedroom house in Willow Creek, and renovated Journey’s bedroom into the cute teenager room she deserves. Journey works hard as an A student and a fast food employee. She just got a boyfriend and she’s a hopeless romantic (and loves cats). Theo also got a boyfriend and I think he’s going to be moving in as soon as we get some more money to renovate the house a bit and build Theo a greenhouse. Eventually the girls are also going to adopt a cat for Journey and Theo is going to have a child. I’m thinking I might buy City Living next summer so that Journey and her boyfriend can move out and start their own life in San Myshuno. I’m excited to have a rags-to-riches type story that I’m playing without cheats and with characters I’m invested in. I’ve been so bad at coming up with actual storylines and have stuck with build/buy for years this feels like a whole new game for me.

Wow that was a long bit about Sims there. I’ve been writing for almost an hour now. It’s time to go meal prep and make myself a pasta salad for next week. Then I’ll start my essay collection and then I’ll play some more Sims. My guy isn’t coming back until late this evening so I get some more time off. Happy April! ♥

#personal #diary #March2019

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soccergirl112 · 7 years

Text

May 31st, 2017

My last day of nannying. I was with the same family for 4 years, 2 months, and 3 days. Naturally, I didn’t work every day. Only for 3-4 school days per week. Not usually over breaks, although I did babysit from time to time when he was younger. He’s 14 now, so he didn’t really need that anymore. I understand. But when I started, he was only 9. A couple weeks from being 10, but still. He wasn’t really supposed to be home by himself yet. Now, he can’t have enough alone time. And I get it. I’ve been there.

But just because I understand, doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. I am so fucking grateful that I had to work yesterday. If I hadn’t, I would sat at home, crying and shit all day. During a break from teaching, I wrote him a letter. 4 pages. 4 really sappy, emotional pages. I’m sure he was thrilled with how much I had for him to read. I did it, thinking it would hurt less if I could get a bunch of stuff down on the page. That maybe then, I would get it out of my system and I would be okay. Turns out, I was very wrong. But fuck it, it was worth a try.

I wrote about all the standard stuff. About how proud of him I am, about how I think of him like a brother. Gave him some very standard and cliché life advice, of course. I reminisced a little, because I couldn’t help myself. And I also told him that I would be checking in with him. To make sure that high school is going well, to find out how he’s doing. Not just because I’m completely incapable of saying goodbye and letting go, but because I feel like I have responsibilities with this kid now, and I have to make sure that he’s doing okay. He’s an only child like me, and I know that there were millions of times where I felt alone in high school. I always wished I had someone to lean on. My parents were very supportive, much like his are, but you don’t always want to tell them everything, I wrote down my contact information, even though I know he has it in his phone already, because I didn’t want him to have any excuses to not contact me if he needs me.

I just wish I had saved the rough draft. Or taken a picture, or something. It was pretty good. And I know I’ll forget most of what I wrote with time. I gave it to him right before I left. He said he may never see me again, I begged him to not say that (and also told him I was going to kidnap him sometimes and make him catch up with me over Slurpees or ice cream or anything he wants. But it’s definitely happening). We took a picture together because neither of his parents were home and she wanted the memory. He hugged me (for the first time since he was 9), and he walked me to the door for the last time. I made it into my car, and started sobbing as soon as I started to drive away. I went up one street and had to pull over so I could cry. And I proceeded to cry the entire way home. Tears streaming, breath staggered. I was a hot mess. Anyone driving next to me could tell, too. And you know what? I’m totally cool with that. I SHOULD have been a mess.

But this is a hard transition. I am so excited for him to go to high school, and I am so excited to see the kind of person he grows up to be- selfishly, I feel like I should get some credit for the content of his character. But there were a lot of memories that I didn’t put in the letter, because if I had, it would have taken me an entire day to write it, and it would have been 50 pages long instead of 4. Because typing is easier, and because I need to get it out of my system, and because I never pay attention to the number of followers that I have (although I imagine that it’s still at zero), I’m going to write some of them out here. Because they matter to me. This is for me. So here we go.

I remember the first day I drove him home. My car was still silver, and I didn’t even know how to open my trunk yet. His mom met me at the school, and I took him home, so I could use the carpool lane (I had only been to his house twice and didn’t entirely know the way yet). We made small talk on the way home. I asked him a million questions. Turned out, he played piano like me. We both loved Bruno Mars. His favorite subject at the time was English. I was an English major. Within about 2 weeks, we got more comfortable. He told me stories about what happened at school. I started learning the names of his friends. It was nice. I got him a Bruno Mars piano book for his 10th birthday, along with a package of Mike n Ikes because he told me once that they were his favorite candy. He loved it. He still has the book, and he’s played stuff from it for me many times in our years together, although he’s a bit past that level now.

I remember Mr. Blair. His English teacher, who was going to tutor him in the summer, got arrested for trying to meet up with a minor. Turned out, he had gotten caught in a chat room. The 12 year old he thought he had been talking to was a cop. My boy was questioned by the police the next day, along with many others in his class. Mr. Blair never touched him. But he still cried. I picked him up that day and took him to Rocket Fizz, a candy store down the street. Because that’s what we did every Friday (every Friday, he had exams in all of his classes. I took him to the candy store every week to celebrate getting through it. He had anxiety, so I tried to give him tips and help him all the time. I thought the reward would help his nerves. Over time, it did). We weren’t super close yet, but that was the first time I saw his mom cry.

I remember taking him to his karate lessons twice a week. We would sit in the Subway next door while he did his homework. He LOVED Subway back then. It’s all about Five Guys, Chipotle, and Togo’s now. But back then, he wanted Subway almost every time I picked him up. Sometimes we would sit by Starbuck’s because of the WiFi, but most of the time, we were there. At the same table. And we always did his math homework together. I still remember what his sandwich order was back then: turkey sandwich on wheat. No cheese. With lettuce, onions, olives, (sometimes peppers), mayo, and salt and pepper. He was just like me like that. He always ordered the same things. Each place we went to, he had “the usual.” I loved that about him. Anyways, his lessons were at 6. I would stay with him until warm ups, and then I got to go home. Sometimes I would sit with the parents and watch for a little while first. He was so cute and little. He usually wouldn’t acknowledge me once he was in the zone. But I didn’t care. He cared about it so much back then. He used to go to Baltimore for tournaments every summer.

I remember making special mix CDs for my car because I didn’t want him to hear swear words yet. The process of making CDs literally doubled because I would only put clean songs on there. He used to tell me all the time that his parents swore in front of him, but I wanted to protect him from that. I knew he would grow up and get into swearing eventually, just like I did. But I didn’t want to expose him too soon. His voice hadn’t even begun to change yet. He was still so young and perfect to me. Gradually, of course, this changed. By the end of our time together, we swore so comfortably around each other that you would have thought that we did it for years. But in reality, that only started several months before it was over. He used to sing with me in the car. We used to show each other music. I discovered Twenty One Pilots (and a couple hip-hop songs by various artists) because of him. He started listening to Panic! at the Disco and Imagine Dragons because of me. We always joked about how the other person’s taste in music was trash.

I remember sitting in my non-air conditioned car on way too many hot days. He wasn’t happy about it. Neither was I. But he took it like a champ and only ever complained a handful of times.

I remember going through a brief period after a really bad breakup when I thought to myself, “If anything ever happened to me.... if I was in the hospital dying for whatever reason, I think he’s the only one who would care.” Now, I never think that he’s the only one, but he means more to me than most other people do.

I remember when way too many people started asking us if I was his mom/sister/aunt/cousin whatever. We got tired of explaining that I was just the nanny, but I had been with the family for long enough that I was basically honorary family. We ended up just telling people that I was his big sister when strangers asked, because it was easier. Never mind the fact that he’s half-Japanese and half-Jewish, and I’m mostly of European heritage with some Native American and Indonesian sprinkled in.... but people thought we were related all the time. He used to laugh whenever people thought I was his mom. He would call me old. I said it was because he was super short. We stopped calling me his sister as he got older, but that went on for a long time.

I remember when I got in a car accident and needed a completely new hood. Then, most of my car was silver, and the entire hood was black. It was a spectacle. I was embarrassed every time I drove it. And that little guy told me how cool he thought it was when he saw my car for the first time after the repairs. What a little liar. But it was so sweet. My heart melted. I had gotten into the accident after dropping him off at a play practice on the edge of downtown. When my dad picked me up from the scene after the tow truck was squared out, I cried the whole way home. I was just so grateful that my boy hadn’t been in the car with me when it happened. I would have died.

I remember him asking me sex ed questions because his dad wasn’t really talking to him about sex yet, and he had missed sex ed at his school that year (he was super sick that week). It was very awkward, but I was touched that he trusted me enough to talk about it and ask thoughtful questions.

I remember him talking to be about school dances but refusing to talk to his parents about it. He was horrified every time his parents offered to chaperone. He wouldn’t even talk about the general details of the dance with his mom. His dad was allowed to drop him off, but he never wanted to talk details with anyone but me.

I remember when he bailed on his bike, and they thought he had a hairline fracture. He was going quickly down a hill, lost control, and slammed into the side of a boulder that was by the edge of a little park in his gated community. Luckily, people were at the park, so he got help with basic first aid right away. But it was at the very end of the year, and he had to wear a brace on his leg (he was supposed to go to an Airsoft camp that summer). He ended up being fine in time for camp, but he was heartbroken and so embarrassed after it happened. The parents said the wouldn’t need me that week, since he was home all day, was doing homework on his own, and didn’t have any appointments he needed rides to. Knowing I wasn’t needed, but feeling ridiculously sad and guilty for him, I drove the half hour to his house every day that week, just to hang out with him. I didn’t want him to feel alone. His mom tried to pay me for my time, but I couldn’t take it. He wasn’t a job to me. He was just my friend. My little brother.

I remember playing water games with him in the summer. We hit water balloons with a Wiffle Ball bat. I told him to not aim for my pants, since my phone was in my pocket. And naturally, he then started pelting water balloons at me. Including my pants. My phone was fine. I was kind of pissed right at first, but soon after that, we were chasing each other around the backyard with water balloons. I went home soaked that day. And it was awesome.

I remember his Bar Mitzvah. I remember him sitting in my car to get lessons from his Rabbi. I remember trying to help his mom plan and organize stuff. I will always remember showing up alone because my date bailed super last minute. But I will always remember how frigging amazing I looked that day, and how I sat up front with his family. I will remember how he looked at me during the ceremony and smiled. And even though he was already giving me a lot of sass by then, he told me how happy he was that I had been there for him. Especially since I went by myself. We all cried when his dad spoke during the ceremony. But it was beautiful.

I remember taking him to play practices, hair cuts, dentist appointments, and even one doctor appointment (I was borrowing one of his mom’s cars while mine was getting repaired).

I remember him losing a tooth in my car, right after I picked him up from school. It was one of his last baby teeth.

I remember him making himself gag trying to find pictures of people vomiting on the internet because he knew I got freaked out by it (talk about a backfire).

I remember telling him to run laps around his backyard once because he had had a soda and was wiggling too much to work on his homework.

I remember him coming to my mom’s summer camp for a week our second to last year in business. He was difficult, but we recovered well.

I remember getting Slurpees with him almost every day his 6th grade year and driving around with him everywhere, because he went to tutoring at 5:30 every day and we would kill time until then. We got a lot of time to talk. We got really close during that time.

I remember finally giving him some control over the music in my car- and how he quickly went mad with power.

I remember his brief obsession with Hamilton and how he begged me to play the music in my car for close to a month. And I let him, because even though he was more prone to being a brat by then, I was trying to encourage his love of music at any cost.

I remember all of the super dark jokes we would make together. How he used to make me laugh until I cried sometimes. Joking about death and hating me and everything in between. And I always had to explain it to people, because it sounds horrible when you actually say it. But we always knew. When I was in a bad mood, he always stopped. He went very close to the line sometimes, but he never crossed it.

I remember him trying to hard to make me mad so many times, and then being so salty when he was unsuccessful. Deep down, I think he was happy that I didn’t get mad easily.

I remember playing hide and seek at his school. Even though he was in middle school already. And the texts he would send with it when it was taking me forever to find him. And how much he cheated. Dork.

I remember taking him to the grocery store once, and being reminded of exactly how little he still is because he didn’t know how to find or pick out any of the produce he was looking for.

I remember him hating the colored contact lenses that I got. He never said anything super mean, but he said they made me look weird and that he liked my normal eyes better.

I remember him telling me that I had the cutest, littlest ears he had ever seen when he put his phone up to my ear so i could hear a song he was talking about.

I remember threatening that I would make him go into Ulta with me if he didn’t start to chill... and how that led to immediate behavior changes.

I remember talking him through arguments with his parents. Talking about life and deep things. Asking him about his future in a vague way that made it easy to talk about. About his interests. About whether he wants to have a family someday. About where he wants to go to college. And he asked me about mine, too. It was never just one-sided. And for that, I am very grateful.

I am grateful for his family. I am grateful for the memories I have written down, among the millions of others that I did not even begin to mention. 4 years is a very long time to know someone so closely. And my heart is broken, but I am so thankful for the times I got to spend with him. For the laughs, tears, and learning/teaching moments. Right now, I’m just holding onto his graduation next week. I need it. I need to know I have it. That this wasn’t the last time that I’ll see him.

He will be my little brother forever. And you know something? That feeling isn’t going to go away. Not now, not ever. I love him. And while I feel super lame for being so upset (when I knew this was coming), it’s healthy. I’m grieving. Just because I won’t be picking him up from school anymore (at least, not consistently) doesn’t mean that I won’t see him anymore. I’m going to make it work. It hurts like a bitch right now, but it will be okay. We may not see each other as often, but we will still grow together.

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