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maggiecheungs · 2 years

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I am extremely late but I am so happy to see someone else who's one the "Murasaki and the Akashi Lady should kiss" boat (the Akashi Lady totally deserved better imo)

YESSSSSSSS MURAKASHI TRUTHERS RISE!!!!!!!!!

(the above ^ is my short response. however, got excited thinking about them and accidentally wrote >1200 words, which are under the cut 😶)

just. AAAAAHHHHHH the (non)relationship between murasaki and the Akashi lady drives me absoLUTELy nuts. Akashi no onkata is, of all of genji’s many conquests, arguably the one whose existence makes murasaki feel most insecure. the only others who incite a comparable level of jealously—the third princess, and to a lesser extent, asagao—threaten her more as symbols of power, legitimacy and status (i.e. have a legitimacy of birth that she dies not, and thus would supplant her as genji’s primary wife). The Akashi Lady is probably the only one whom murasaki feels threatened by in this particular way, because she recognises and acknowledges her personhood on a level beyond rank and status. on several occasions throughout the book, despite being quite vocal about her jealouy, she compliments her new rival's taste, refinement, skills, personality...

And then, as if that wasn't enough, Akashi no onkata bears Genji a child, the one thing that murasaki has always wanted more than anything--and not only is this daughter wonderful in herself, she also is the key to Genji securing his ultimate life ambitions. But then, in one of the tale's many cosmic ironies, this child is taken from her birth mother and given to Murasaki to raise. she is, in a very real way, the daughter of both of these women; without the combined efforts of her birth mother and her adoptive mother, Genji's daughter would never become the deliriously happy Akashi Empress and fulfill her ~fated destiny~. which just adds another layer to their intense and silent relationship!! The two of them live in the same house for decades without really meeting face to face or spending time together, but their lives and loves are so inextricably tangled; they are bound together by their relationship with Genji, and by their love for their daughter, and by something else--a sense of admiration, of mutual respect.*

and it drives me insane because!!! just!!! for me, murasaki’s curse is loneliness. she can never form profound bonds with other women because the presence of the men in her life (mainly Genji) always transforms them from ‘ally’ into ‘competitor’. Genji raised her to be his and his alone, but she is not his only partner, and in the periods when he is off dallying with others she is left without her only real companion. Her unique position within Heian nobility makes it difficult for her to locate social equals--she’s the illegitimate daughter of a high-ranking clan, and is thus shunned by her father’s legal wife and not acknowledged as the equal of many ladies of higher rank, but she was also raised by Genji and held to an incredibly high standard, taught to perceive herself through the lens of all the things he valued (art, refinement, mastery of social etiquette, etc.). coupled with her (in)famous status as his most beloved wife, this effectively cuts her off from forming connections with anyone of slightly lower ranks, too. (which is like!!!! no wonder she is such a perfect match/foil for him--they’re both social oddities, who lead existences somewhat cut off from the typical circuits of rank and power in the aristocracy (which leaves them free to act in certain ways they might not otherwise, but constrained in others--and imo this social incompatability is a *massive* part of the reason that both genji and murasaki are so desperately lonely and given over to existential depression--but THAT is a conversation for another day skjhjkfhk . sorry for getting off track))

ANYWAY, back to the topic at hand: aka all the reasons why i think her (non)relationship with the akashi lady is so interesting. in terms of rank, akashi no onkata is no match for murasaki, but her beauty and intelligence and refinement offset the disadvantages of her birth (much as murasaki’s own charm made genji marry her without caring about her illegitimacy). Murasaki’s fear and hostility is born out of a genuine respect, and i think she knows that, rank aside, the akashi lady is the closest anyone would ever come to being her equal. if genji wasn’t in the picture, i truly believe that the akashi lady could become a companion and confidant that would alleviate Murasaki’s awful, claustrophobic loneliness. i truly believe that they could have been so much to each other. genuine human connection is the much-fantasised gold at the end of the rainbow in the tale of genji, but so few characters actually get to experience, or keep, it. but i desperately want to believe that Murasaki and Akashi no onkata could have. because you're right: they deserved better.

but of course, without genji, neither of the two women would have been lifted out of their humble beginnings; they never would have met. their daughter would never have been born and would never have become empress, and they wouldn’t have been able to derive joy from her happiness and successes. so essentially: their respective happy endings are also their own personal tragedies--which is ultimately one of the primary themes of the tale of genji, i think.

~~~

* sidenote: as i was typing this paragraph i found myself thinking about about (depictions of) the relationship between Empresses Teishi and Shoshi, whose competative (non)relationship Murasaki Shikibu would have had intimate knowledge of (she joined court as Shoshi’s lady-in-waiting just around the time of Teishi’s death). there are some similarities between them and murasaki/akashi: two refined and accomplished women, wives of the same high-ranking husband, living in the same palace in completely separate wings, their lives very much unfolding in parallel in some ways and diverging widlly in other. portrayals of teishi and shoshi's relationship/feud/power struggle/whatever vary wildly from writer to writer, but i’ve always been haunted by how it is depicted in eiga monogatari (written by murasaki shikibu’s contemporary akazome emon). Eiga isn’t always the most reliable historical document, but it does draw a beautiful portrait of two women placed on either side of an imperial power struggle, who still regard each other with respect as true equals who have earned their privileges and positions. (i have no idea if this was based in fact or purely fictionalised, but it is quite moving regardless.)

obviously, the stakes of the love triangle are slightly lower in the genji than in the eiga, (murasaki no ue and akashi no onkata are not empresses) but interestingly enough, the love triangle between genji/murasaki/akashi does have implications for the imperial line of succession (i won’t get too deeply into the politics of the whole thing, but to briefly summarise: genji betrothes his daughter by the akashi lady to the new emperor, thus ensuring that his grandson will eventually ascend to the throne. this is a calculated move on his part: in marrying his daughter into the imperial line, he is essentially supplanting the fujiwara family from their position as the de-facto power behind the throne and upsetting the centuries-old sekkan system of governance! which is cool.) (what i’m saying is: even though the politics of the tale of genji are rarely super explicit, they are incredibly interesting and intricate, and often have more to do with sexual and marriage politics than you might expect. also i’m a massive nerd about them <3)

~~~

P.S. last but not least: if you're interested in queer relationships in heian literature, may i recommend ariake no wakare / parting at dawn (link); a kamakura monogatari about a nonbinary (afab but raised male) protagonist who lives as both a man and a woman, and has romantic relationships with women and men (seriously, udaisho ariake is such a cool character & i love them). it’s not fully translated but the bulk of it is, and is available for free online. also shoutout to torikaebaya monogatari / the changelings, another queer-themed gender-bending kamakura monogatari (it's probably more famous than ariake no wakare, but conversely harder to source in english translation, so i still haven’t read it myself)

#ask response #mandatory 'sorry for the late reply i was on hiatus'#anonymous #genji monogatari #the tale of genji #ellis reads #murakashi #wlw #classical japanese literature #ty for giving me the opportunity to nerd out about the tale of genji #it's literally my favourite thing to do #🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#also this is probably a mess because i'm posting it without even rereading it jfgdskjfgdkjgh

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girls-scenarios · 5 years

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To Feel Human (Part 2)

Idol: Irene (Red Velvet)

Prompt: Could you make android au with Irene and fem!reader? The reader created Irene and wanted Irene to learn about human feelings. Although, sometimes Irene feels like she’s a burden to the reader and leaves temporary. At the end, she comes back they love each other ❤️

Writer: Admin Lee

A/N: Hey everyone! I’m so sorry about the hiatus I’ve been on recently. To make a long story short, there’s been a lot going on for me, so I hope you can understand! Anyways, I hope you all enjoy the second part to this scenario, I put a lot into it! I hope the ending is what you wanted btw, I’m not too sure it came out the way I wanted it to. (small warning for cursing)

Part 1

Weeks had passed, and Irene had now adapted fully to living in your home. You kept your colleagues updated on its progress periodically (however, you were cautious about revealing its name change to them, so you kept that information to yourself), always being sure to mention anything particularly exciting that occurs. The android was also attempting to warm up to your dog which was, without a doubt, entertaining. Walter would sometimes jump up onto the robot while it was sitting on the couch, causing Irene to become startled and assume a very rigid position until the droid called for you, pleading for you to call the dog away from it. Though, the progress was visible, and you could slowly see an improvement in Irene’s behavior towards your furry friend. You hadn’t seen the LED show as anything other than blue since the night that the android had chosen a name. Which coincidentally, you also hadn’t seen any other notably ‘human’ actions or thoughts be shown by Irene since then either.

That evening, you were making dinner when Irene had come into the kitchen with Walter in tow, ready for his evening meal.

“Hey, Irene,” You called, prompting the android to look at you. “Would you like to come into town with me tomorrow? I have some things I need to get and I might need your help.”

“Yes, I can surely accompany you on this excursion. However, will I not be noticed by the general public? This,” The droid gestured to its LED. “will be problematic to conceal, will it not?”

“I can take care of that.” You replied, a gentle smile making its way onto your features.

Following dinner, you brought Irene to your room, which was for time being, converted into a home office of sorts.

“I took a computer from the warehouse to make it easy on myself in case anything minor needed to be adjusted.” You stated, starting the computer up. What you had in mind was a simple physical change. The skin on the android could be manipulated over small areas in case of a cut or other injury in order to protect what lies inside the android. This function could also be used for cosmetic purposes, though not necessarily meant for them. So, you asked Irene to turn around where it was standing, and move its hair to the side, revealing the port that was visible on the nape of its neck. You then hooked up a cable to the computer, then to the port in the android. After finding the correct setting to adjust, you had the android’s synthetic skin cover the LED, and within a few minutes, completed the entire procedure. You removed the cable and shut down the computer, patting the android on the back to let it know you were finished.

“There we go, it shouldn’t be visible now.” You assured.

“Thank you.” Irene uttered, turning around to face you. “ Will it stay like this?” It gestured to its temple.

“No, you can change it if you want,” You replied with a gentle tone, watching as Walter padded into the room over to where you were sitting, and as you absentmindedly pet him you continued. “It’ll be easy to monitor the state of your neural net with the LED visible, but in public it needs to be concealed, you know? This way I won’t have to ‘plug you in’ every time we go out or something.”

“I see. Then is that all you required of me?”

“Well, yeah, for the moment. I was gonna go to bed soon.”

The conversation had ended rather awkwardly, with your reply being the final addition to you and the android’s exchange. Irene exited the room, presumably to go to its own, while you sat in your room with your head in your hands. The android was definitely not up to par with its personability, however, it was slowly (very slowly) improving. You always had the option to go in and alter her interface to be more friendly, but you felt that was...wrong in some way. It had already been ‘awake’ for weeks now, working and improving, and you didn’t want to risk taking all of that progress away for the sake of it being artificially friendlier. You were sure it would get there someday, and patience is a virtue, so you decided you would let it take its own time.

Once you came downstairs in the morning, dressed and ready to go, you found Irene already waiting for you near the door.

“I have put Walter in his kennel for the time being. He has been fed and given a bone to chew on so he does not become restless.”

“Oh, thank you,” You replied, patting its shoulder before going to open the door “You ready to go?”

“Yes, I am.”

With that, you went out to where your car was parked, and you were off. It was only a couple minutes’ drive into town, and once you got there, it wasn’t too long before you had arrived at your destination. After parking the car, you opened the door on the other side for Irene. The android got out of the car, and shut the door behind itself. It then looked at the space before it. Small buildings and shops were spread out in the outlying town where you lived, only about a half hour drive from the nearest big city. It was quaint and comfy and peaceful. Not many people were out today, as it was rather overcast. Irene seemed enamored of the small town, and you remembered it had never really been walking around one before. So maybe today could be more than just getting things for home.

The mandatory shopping was soon out of the way, and with Irene’s help, it had gone even faster. The android stayed close by you at all times, and only spoke to you in hushed tones, to all appearances, nervous. You thought it was just a precaution, maybe even a little bit of paranoia, but you brushed it off, not thinking much of it. Not wanting to leave the town yet, the two of you took a little scenic route around town, and you pointed out certain things to Irene and whatnot. It looked almost as if it was enjoying itself, and you could see its eyes light up ever so slightly sometimes. Eventually though, it was time to go home. And within the hour, you were back in time to feed Walter a late lunch.

The rest of the day passed quietly. Irene had made the LED visible again, and you were able to see the continuous blue glow on its temple once more. The night came soon enough, and you had wanted to watch a movie, so you sat on the couch, browsing through possible selections.

“Hey Irene,” You called.

A small “Yes?” was heard from the upstairs room, with subsequent footsteps coming down the stairs and into the living room.

“Do you wanna watch a movie with me? I thought you might like to.”

“If you would like me to. Have you decided on a genre?”

“Yeah, I want you to.. Please, sit down,” You gestured to the space on the couch next to you. “And no, not yet. Could you pick? I don’t really care. I’m going to get something to drink, I’ll be back!”

Irene looked at you with a quizzical expression as you walked out of the living room. It then chose a relatively new action movie. “This particular movie has received positive reviews. I believe you will enjoy it as well. I will wait to play it until you return.”

The movie was intriguing, to be sure, but with 3 or so beers and rather large glass of cheap wine, your focus wasn’t often found on it. Rather, it was the android that had caught your attention. It had mentioned it essentially watched the movie in its entirety already, but that it would stay to accompany you. However, it seemed just as interested in it as you previously were - before your head grew fuzzy and she had become all the more interesting. (you meant it. It’s a robot). You quickly turned back to the movie, worried that it would catch you staring like a deer in headlights, and attempted to catch yourself up on the minute or two that you had missed. The dim yellow flash from Irene’s LED wasn’t noticed when you snuggled up closer to it. (Sure, being a homebody had its perks, but could also be very lonely. You would just call this a lapse in judgement tomorrow, and you doubted the android would think much of it.)

At some point during the movie, you were practically draped over Irene, and it wasn’t too concerned with moving you.

“Is this position comfortable for you?” It inquired innocently, though you could sense tension in its body.

You nodded. “Are you? Comfortable, I mean.”

“My comfort is irrelevant.”

You sighed, resting your head in the junction between its neck and shoulders. “It was really lonely, even with Walter around, before you got here. Did you know that?”

“No, I did not.”

“I’m glad I got to be the one to take you home.” You mentioned softly, yet Irene’s audio receptors could pick up your voice with crystalline clarity.

“Has my companionship been beneficial to you? Have I fulfilled the purpose you’ve created me for?”

“You’re more than that. More than just ‘fulfilling a purpose’, I think..” You trailed off. It was late, and you didn’t notice how tired you were until your eyelids began to feel as if they were being pulled close. Inevitably within a few minutes you were fast asleep.

Irene waited for a few minutes, then picked you up from off of the couch, careful not to jostle you too much, and carried you to your room bridal-style. This was an easy task for the android, as it was significantly stronger than any normal human. Upon setting you down and covering you with a blanket, Irene watched you for a moment in thought.

It didn’t want to concern you with the small hiccups of its LED, didn’t want to alarm you with the fact that it was picking up so much more than just how to be a household companion. You had just confirmed its thoughts in your own words.

It was feeling like it was more than just a robot meant for amity.

In truth, ever since CX100 had renamed itself, it hadn’t gone into a proper rest state. Instead, choosing to stay up and mentally prepare for the next day - what to cook, wear (and it had stopped having to use your clothes once you finally remembered to Irene some of its own. It noted you could be very forgetful at times), etc. But additionally, it thought of you. The things it discovered you liked, or hobbies you had, personality quirks, the list goes on. It treated you awkwardly because it was unsure of what to do. The android wasn’t sure what had happened, but the installment of the behavioral programming in tandem with the already embedded neural net gave way to some unforeseen system errors (the android deduced this would be the only proper diagnosis of the situation). The reason it was treating you weirdly was largely because it was scared. Scared of the possibility of you discovering the errors, the chance that you could decide to trash it for a new, better android who wouldn’t have these malfunctions, or completely wipe it. It kept silent. It knew what it was like to feel human, and Irene couldn’t go back.

You woke up later than normal the next day. It was oddly quiet downstairs from what you could hear from your room. Getting down into the kitchen, you discovered that Irene wasn’t there, as it was usually preparing breakfast around the time you woke up. Additionally, you could hear Walter whining from his kennel.

‘Had he not been let out? Where was Irene?’ You asked yourself, muttering these and other similar questions to yourself as you let Walter out, then deciding to search the house and yard outside in case the android was there.

She (you meant it. fuck.) wasn’t. It wasn’t anywhere in the house or around it. Your mind was going a mile a minute. Did Irene leave? If it did, where did it go, and why? Panic set in, and you dashed up the stairs to your room, grabbing your phone and finding Jihyo’s contact with a shaky hand.

After a couple of seconds of ringing, Jihyo picked up.

“Hey, what’s up? I wasn’t expecting your -”

“Jihyo,” You interjected. “It’s missing. CX100 isn’t at the house and I’m freaking out. I don’t know where it could have gone or why it did -” Your frantic tone was evident as your speech sped up and you stumbled over your sentences, your thoughts too fast to get out coherently.

“Woah, hold on,” Jihyo, being the level-headed individual she was, attempted to calm down over the phone, so you could accurately tell her was was going on.

“I- I don’t know where Irene went, and I’m scared. What if it gets hurt? Or found out? What am I gonna do?” You took a deep, shaky breath. “Jihyo, it’s all my fault.”

“I’m coming over. I’ll be there with help soon and you can explain everything. We’ll find the android.” Jihyo stated calmly, and then said her goodbyes, hanging up the phone afterwards. Irene found itself almost outside of town as 1 o’clock struck. It was cold, overcast, and about to rain. Irene was suddenly thankful for the fact that it couldn’t get cold so easily. It accessed its GPS function, opting to go towards the warehouse that it was created in. Though this wouldn’t be the most ideal place to go off the grid, it was a start. The walk would be long, nearly 3 hours at a steady pace. However, if it ran, it could cut the time in half. There were back roads that could be accessed so as not to cut through the woods or go near the highway, and soon it was off.

Within the hour, Jihyo had arrived along with Kyulkyung, Eunwoo, and Yoojung.

“We were all free at the time, so we wanted to come help.” Yoojung spoke first, looking at you with a sympathetic expression.

They walked in, taking a look at the house that was now in a state of complete disorganization. Walter trotted up, and wagged his tail, licking each one of your guests’ hands and receiving a pet in return as they went into your living room.

“Do you know when the android left?” Jihyo asked.

“No, I woke up around noon and it was already gone.” You replied, now somewhat collecting yourself as you sat in chair adjacent from your couch where your friends went to sit.

“Is there any reason why it would have just left? It’s weird that the android would suddenly just develop free will like that, you know?” Eunwoo inquired, resting her chin on her fist, brows furrowed in thought.

“Unless it was something that went wrong after we had finished running diagnostics the first night, it would be hard to tell,” Jihyo added. “Had you checked its programming for any sort of errors?”

“The only time I would have seen anything was when I altered its skin to cover the LED for when we went into town yesterday and nothing stood out to me as malfunctioning. The LED wasn’t covered up when we got home, and that would’ve showed if anything was wrong.” You replied, running a shaky hand through your hair.

“Yeah, that’s true.” Kyulkyung remarked. “Well, whatever the case may be, we still need to find it. God knows what that android is up to all on its own. Is there any way of tracking it?”

“There should be. I doubt that my computer here can do it, but if we get to the warehouse, there should be a way to find out where Irene is.” You answered.

“Irene?” Jihyo repeated.

Oh.

You remembered that you hadn’t told them that just yet.

“(Y/N) you have to realize that it’s just a robot that’s meant for companionship. It can’t be human, it can’t feel anything. Why’d you name it?” Jihyo continued, brows furrowed.

“Jihyo, is that really important right now? I mean, that android just means a lot to me.. None of you have been around to see how much - how much more than a robot she is.” You explain, exasperated and worried sick. Your friends were watching you with concern as you paced around the living room. “

Okay - hey - (Y/N), we’re going to find her, alright? Let’s go to the warehouse.”

The drive to the warehouse was silent, the lack of sound looming over the car passengers like a heavy fog. It was raining outside. You had arrived within the hour and you wasted no time pulling open the large metal sliding doors, revealing the insides of the warehouse you had used not that long ago. Suddenly, a chorus of metal parts resounded throughout the moderately-sized building.

“What was that!?” Eunwoo exclaimed, clutching Kyulkyung’s arm in slight fear.

“I’ll check. It might just be a raccoon or something. After all, this place has been vacant for a little while.” Jihyo replied, stepping towards the direction that the noise came from.

You trailed a couple feet behind her, also curious as to what the sound was. And you weren’t as much of a scaredy-cat as Eunwoo was. Yoojung also looked on in concern, seemingly hoping that it wasn’t a raccoon (you knew she wasn’t particularly fond of them - at least when they were feral).

When the two of you got near the back corner of the warehouse (where the sound had come from), Jihyo was the first who had discovered what actually had caused it. You were just a second later, and saw Irene huddled in the corner. She looked terrified, and her LED was glowing a bright, angry red. You realized that this meant she was under extreme duress, and you couldn’t blame her, this probably was scary. You were the first one to speak.

“Irene?” You called with as gentle of a voice as you could. You didn’t want to frighten her any more. She didn’t reply, just looked at you with wide, teary eyes.

“Irene. Please come out.. No one’s going to hurt you.” You continued, attempting to calm her down in any way you could now. What mattered most is getting her stable, then you could deal with everything else.

“I am malfunctioning. You’re going to shut me down right? Wipe my neural interface?” She finally replied. Her voice was shaky and unsure, and her LED was still a vivid red.

“I wouldn’t do that to you, don’t you know that? I remember what I said to you. You’re meant to do more than just fulfill a purpose. I don’t think you’re malfunctioning, you’re just learning what it’s like to be human.”Irene’s LED had dimmed out to a orange-y color, and you could tell she wasn’t visibly as on-edge as she appeared to be moments ago. But still, her face couldn’t betray the flurry of emotions she was experiencing in this moment.

“Please Irene,” You spoke again and extended a hand. She took it after a moment, seemingly still unsure about the whole situation. She was standing in front of you now as Jihyo and your friends looked on, partly in awe and partly shocked; they didn’t know that CX100 - Irene - could be capable of real feelings. -

At the end of the day, most everything was relatively calm. You had taken Irene back home after an afternoon of tears and explanation. The whole team was called down for a play-by-play on what had transpired, and though they had a lot of questions that couldn’t really be answered at the moment, they had all accepted this phenomenon as a positive one. However, they would still definitely have to keep it under wraps for the time being, after all, it was quite the anomaly. After it was all over, the rest of the night was spent trying to get Irene comfortable again.

You think that she realized you had no intention of hurting you, because who would go to the lengths you had if you weren’t concerned with her well-being? Walter was all over her, too, as he was very glad his other companion was back home again. It was going to be a long road for sure, but it would be worth it.

#red velvet #irene bae #irene #bae joohyun #red velvet scenario #irene scenario #girl group scenarios #girl group scenario #kpop scenario #girl groups #kpop girl groups

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moddethah · 6 years

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Hey, I'm quite a fan of Ask Team Heaven and Hell. You haven't posted in a while, are you on hiatus? The blog isn't dying off, is it??

Hello! So sorry for the late reply to this. Tumblr has decidednot to notify me when I get asks… Gotta love it, right?

The short answer is: no, the blog isn’t dying off. The longanswer is a lot more complicated.

I started this blog back in college, but the truth was I hadplanned out my sinblog back in the “heyday” of the sindom when I was still in highschool. I don’t want to bore you with the meta answer but at the end of the dayas my sense of “good writing” has matured I’m not as happy with the early direction Iplanned for a lot of these characters. Rather than just retcon the whole thingor kill them all off, I’ve been trying to come up with more creative methods toeither force change some of the characters or have them exit gracefully and allowa different, more nuanced character take their place. Obviously, this requiresthinking which I am notoriously horribleat.

The other half of it is very personal and I’m going to sayit just because I feel I owe my followers an explanation but for those who don’twant to hear it, I’ll put a cut you can skip the details.

The general of it is that I haven’t had the emotional energyto work on the blog. The next arc is mostly written, but it is very heavy andintense, and even though it can be posted I don’t feel comfortable at themoment going back through it to make sure I post it in coherent order and to do all the double checking, grammar checking, detail work.

Last fall I had to drop out of college to come home and bethe full-time caretaker for my father whose health started to decline very fast.Living at my parents’ house basically tanked my mental health as being aroundthem worsens my anxiety and depression by a thousand. This was only meant to bea temporary arrangement and I fully intended to return to school after a half-year(or max full year) break.

In September, my fiancée called off our engagement and endeda four-year relationship (which I later found out was due to them cheating onme), in November my uncle had a major heart attack, and in December my fatherpassed away. From January to March at least one member of my family was in thehospital at some point. Our family cat, who is now 15, started having seizures and may have to be put down later this year. April would have been my father’s 61stbirthday.

I was working retail which is soul-draining work. The job I got after that was a bit better but the building was literally poisoning us all so I was in the hospital for a bit. My current job has mandatory overtime which means I’mworking 50+ hours a week, plus helping my mother out around the house. There’sa lot of stuff I need to take care of IRL before I can start doing writingstuff, and by the time all the IRL stuff is done I’m so exhausted I just wantto go to bed.

Unfortunately, these kinds of things don’t just go away. There’sno endzone where one day it will magically be all better. As much fun as theblog can be, the story is headed in a certain direction that I am really excitedfor. I don’t want to detract from that with a bunch of fluffy, light fillercontent and then punch everyone in the face with the serious stuff.

I can understand the concern with On Hiatus Off Hiatus, andI am very sorry about how long it’s been. I do still love this blog, and I lovethe characters, and I am super excited for the path I have planned out. It’sjust difficult to get back into it at the moment.

No promises, but hopefully I’ll be able to start postingmore soon! Thank you for checking up on me!

#sweet was here #some personal stuff for you #and a bit of an apology #it's been a Very Bad Year TM

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jordan202 · 6 years

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My Boys Drabbles - Thomas (Part One)

Hi Guys!

After such a long hiatus, My Boys is back! And this time around, we are going to explore the only pregnancy I haven't fully written about. Thank you @jia911 for proofreading this so fast!

The Prompt:

@cizavilation I think was the one who asked me to write about Thomas’s pregnancy.

Timeline:

This one sets just one or two days after The Return (the story when Cristina is back in Seattle).

My Boys Drabbles – Thomas (Part One)

Amelia let out a sigh of frustration, watching as a strand of hair was blown from her nose.

She was bored.

It was no secret she considered that mandatory hospital meeting a complete waste of time and judging by the yawns and amount of empty coffee cups around the big round table, her colleagues felt the exact same way.

One by one, Amelia examined the facial expressions of the other heads of department. Alex Karev seemed too entertained playing with a loose thread of his white coat sleeve. Meredith Grey repeatedly twisted the lid of her Starbucks drink, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but there. Jackson Avery was having a hard time keeping his neck straight and not falling asleep. Only Maggie seemed to be paying attention to the words of the seventy-something infectious diseases specialist who gave that exact same lecture on infection control and prevention every trimester at the hospital.

Amelia knew that every hospital had an ICC, or Infection Control Committee, a division that worked both preventing and helping treat hospital related infections. Every three months, the ICC of Greys Sloan mandated that all hospital workers attended lectures on continued education programs. But the heads of each department had to sit through an exhaustive meeting where data was shown and discussed.

Amelia knew that the ICC head treated all health care workers like they were potential threats. But she had a particular despise for surgeons, reason why whenever she hosted the meeting with the surgical department, they were to expect a lot of frowns and criticism.

“So we were able to isolate two different strand of coagulase-negative staphylococci in three of the orthopedic surgery patients who have…”

Amelia rolled her eyes, uninterested in the rest of the talk. She was just considering what she would have for lunch when, across the big table, her eyes met Owen’s.

He was looking at her with a discreet smile on his lips and Amelia instantly smiled back, identifying the loving eyes in his expression. She supposed Owen would shift his attention back to the lecturer after her response, but instead, he kept staring at her, making Amelia feel like he could see through her soul.

Containing a chuckle, she pointed to the ICC speaker with her eyes and then gently moved her head, as if telling Owen to focus his attention back on the woman.

But all her husband did was lean back on his chair and defiantly keep looking at her with his heavy gaze, maintaining a smile on the corner of his lips.

Amelia noticed the amusement in his eyes and couldn’t help feeling her heart flutter. Owen was so silly. Why did he have to look at her with that loving expression, especially in a room full of people? Her husband wasn’t saying a single word, but the message he was communicating was very clear.

It was obvious he was very happy and Amelia knew exactly why.

Taking her hand to her lower abdomen, the neurosurgeon grinned widely. Just two days before, she had informed Owen that she thought she was pregnant. On the following day, Amelia had taken a blood test to confirm it and found out her assumption had been right. She indeed was carrying another child.

It was a crazy notion to think about. They had a seven month old at home and Lucas was still very much dependent on them, Amelia especially. Just a couple of weeks before, Amelia had gone back to work and she knew her baby was really resenting the sudden change. Right now, he was upstairs in daycare and Amelia couldn’t wait for lunchtime to see him.

Some of the caretakers at day care advised parents not to go see the kids during their breaks because it made it harder on them to adapt. Amelia thought it that was complete bullshit. The more she saw Lucas, be it fifteen minutes or an hour, the better for them both. She had to work because it was her job and she loved it. But her baby would always come first and Amelia didn’t want to be one of those parents who only saw their kids briefly at night before putting them to bed.

Her gaze fell back on Owen and she realized he was still staring at her with that same expression on his face. She knew that by now, he was teasing her. But the silly look he had on added to the charming smile on his lips distracted Amelia enough that she forgot all about where she was and couldn’t help letting out a loud chuckle.

“Dr. Shepherd, is there something you want to add?”

Amelia immediately turned her head in the direction of the acid voice that had asked her the angry question.

The ICC senior attending stared at her with a demanding face and a scowl of disapproval. The neurosurgeon knew she should be embarrassed to get called out in the middle of a lecture like a high school kid, but she was so amused by Owen’s now mortified expression that she just couldn’t be bothered.

“No, not all.” Amelia replied with a shameless grin. “I was just making a mental note to stay away from the Ortho wing.” Her voice fooled her forced seriousness as she added. “Don’t wanna catch that strain of Staph.”

A general round of laughter followed and Amelia took her time to try and make eye contact again with her husband, unsuccessfully. The lecturer still seemed displeased, but she resumed her speech as soon as the general uproar died down. Judging by the way his ears had turned red, Owen was extremely embarrassed and Amelia easily guessed why. She had been the one busted but he had been the one pestering her.

It was no wonder why now he was extremely committed to paying attention to what the eldest woman had to say, apparently determined not to cause any more distractions in the meeting.

The clock had ticked five in the afternoon when Amelia finished her accumulated charts on that gray Monday. After a quick trip to daycare, the surgeon picked up Lucas and followed to the ER. She and Owen often drove to work together and she didn’t mind waiting a bit for him if he was busy. But it took Amelia quite a while to find her husband and when she did, he looked like something alarming was on his mind.

“Hey,” Amelia caught up with him in a meeting room. “Are you ready to go or do you need a few more minutes?” It was then Amelia noticed her husband wasn’t alone. Two women she recognized from hospital administration were with him, and so was Richard Webber. Sensing something wasn’t adding up, Amelia fired the next question before Owen could reply to her previous one. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Owen tried to sound assuring, getting up at the same time he gave her a smile and proceeded to kiss the top of Lucas’s head affectionately. “I think I’m going to be a while here, do you mind driving home with Luke today? I’ll be a little late.”

Amelia looked into his eyes, quickly catching up on the fact something was wrong but Owen couldn’t tell her about it now. The way he’d blocked her view from the other people in the room and suggestively made eye contact with her while saying she should go home were the cues Amelia needed to know that whatever her husband was up to, it sounded serious.

“I’ll see you later at home, then.” She discreetly nodded, letting him know she’d understood the non-verbal message.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Owen promised, giving her a kiss on the forehead before giving his attention back to the people inside the room.

Lucas fussed in her arms, trying to reach out to his dad, but Amelia left the room before her baby could interrupt the meeting. She had no idea what they’d been discussing there, but judging by the seriousness in her husband’s face and overall thick atmosphere she’d found the men in, the news wasn’t good.

It was past eight in the evening when Owen finally made it home. He unlocked the front door to find Amelia sitting on the couch with their son in her arms, happily talking to the baby while the TV was on in the background.

“Hey guys” Owen smiled widely but the look of exhaustion was clear on his face. Amelia watched as her husband came over and gave her a kiss on the lips before turning his eyes to their boy. “Hey little man… How are you doing?”

After seeing his dad, Lucas’s happy face transformed into a big grin. Owen leaned over and kissed the side of his neck, loving to feel his adorable baby smell. It was a comfort to be welcomed like that by his family after an exhausting day at work.

“And how is this little one?” Owen sat on the couch by Amelia’s side, lazily rubbing her lower stomach.

“It’s too early for me to feel anything.” Amelia confessed, delighted by Owen’s obvious expectations. “But we’re both good. What’s up with you?” She asked, showing her concern by gently striking the hair at his nape. “You don’t look well.”

Owen took a deep breath and slowly let it out, grabbing his wife’s hand affectionately before giving it a kiss.

“I am afraid I have some bad news…” Owen’s tone of voice was too serious for Amelia’s taste. “Bailey is on an extended medical leave.”

“Why?” Amelia expressed her concern through a heavy frown. “What’s wrong with her?”

Despite not being personally close to their chief of surgery, Amelia respected and admired the woman.

“She recently found out that she has a mass on her breast. Yesterday they confirmed it is malignant. She starts treatment this week.”

“Oh.” Amelia felt deeply sorry for the woman. The neurosurgeon knew how nasty cancer could be, so she hoped for the best for Bailey. A few seconds went by before Amelia remembered the scene she’d witnessed earlier that day. “Is that why the hospital administration was talking to you today?” She furrowed her brow questioningly. “Wait, they are not allowed to disclose this type of information.”

“They didn’t.” Owen clarified. “Bailey told me herself this morning. And then she warned me they’d come after me.”

“But why?” Amelia couldn’t make any sense of the situation.

“Because Bailey is stepping down for at least a couple of months so she can focus on her treatment,” Owen explained, trying to be reasonable. “And they’ve asked me to fill in for her in the meantime.”

“You mean take care of the paperwork in her absence?” Amelia attempted, seeing the look of guilt on her husband’s face.

“No.” Owen said with serenity. “I am saying they actually want me to be chief again.”

The trauma surgeon had no idea how his wife would react to that, but he expected some sort of heated response.

Instead, silence was all he got.

“Amelia?” Owen tried to reason with her. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“Did you take it?” She raised an eyebrow, sounding alarmingly suspicious. “The offer? Did you take it?”

“No.” Owen carefully answered, knowing he was going into dangerous territory. “I was going to talk to you first before considering it. Why are you mad?”

“I am not mad.”

“Well, you sound mad.” Owen refuted her, trying to be as gentle as possible with his choice of words.

Lucas chose that exact moment to play with his spit and reached out to grab Owen’s face with a happy giggle.

“I am not.” Amelia replied with a tone that pointed otherwise. She wasn’t actually sure what she was feeling at that moment. “I’m just… I don’t know. Are you going to take it?” Her voice went from defensive to insecure.

Owen took a deep breath and confessed:

“I don’t know… I mean, I have to be honest and say that despite the annoying bureaucratic part, I did like being chief once.” He cleaned up Lucas’s continuous spit bubbles from the baby’s now wet face. “I guess I just always thought that part of my life was over.” The trauma surgeon explained sincerely. “And at the same time I know this is awful timing, with us just adapting to having a baby and getting ready for a second but I also feel like I should be a team player and help our friends in a time of need. And besides, it’s temporary.”

“But you’re not the only one qualified for the job.” Amelia added, trying to figure out her own feelings. She supposed she didn’t want Owen gone for any time longer. They already worked busy hours. Being chief meant adding more to his workload. Not only would she miss him at home, but there was also Lucas to think about. As if being a parent wasn’t new and scary enough, very soon they’d have a second child and Amelia was terrified of not being able to handle everything. “I mean, why can’t Webber do it? If it’s only temporary.”

“Webber is in over his head with his colorectal fistulae trial.” Owen explained, knowing his wife was aware of what he was talking about. “The board was considering Jackson but he is too naïve and inexperienced to fill in for three without any prior training. I am the only one who knows the job and can perform it with such short notice.”

Amelia let out a heavy sigh. Logically, it made sense that Owen accepted the offer.

“But what would that mean for us?” She asked, hating to feel like she was being selfish.

“That’s exactly my problem with it.” Owen explained with honesty. He already worked long hours and wanted to enjoy the free time he had in company of his family. Every minute he missed with them was a minute he was never getting back and at this point the trauma surgeon already knew too well what his priorities in life were. “I know I’ll be working more hours but I told them the condition to accept this offer is to cut back my ER hours and focus mostly on the bureaucracy.”

“But that’s the part you like the least.” Amelia pointed out. “That arrangement would mean you’d barely operate at all.”

Owen shrugged, conformed.

“It doesn’t matter.” He smiled shyly. “This is the way I won't let down the people who need me both at work and at home. It’s just for a couple of months” Owen smiled, leaning a little closer to nudge his nose to his wife’s face. “And just for your information, I’d much rather be here with you guys than anywhere else.”

Amelia pretended not to be convinced but his charming charisma eventually won her over.

“Alright, fine!” She laughed when Lucas touched the side of her face with his lips on a messy kiss, prompting Owen to do the same on the other side. “Alright, alright, I am convinced…” Her giggles echoed louder in the living room, mixing with Lucas’. “Just promise me we’ll still see you.” Amelia instinctively took her hand to her belly.

“You will always come first.” Owen affirmed with security, giving Amelia one quick kiss before focusing his attention back on their son.

Twenty minutes later, Amelia noticed as Lucas started to get cranky and decided to go put him down while Owen went for a shower. The trauma surgeon also went for a quick meal before heading back to his bedroom, but to his surprise, he found Amelia in their bed with Lucas in it.

“I thought he was tired.” He raised one eyebrow questioningly, well aware of how hard it was for Amelia to let go of their son. He couldn’t blame her, though.

“He is, but he is also hungry.” Amelia justified still having Lucas on their bed.

Owen looked at their healthy seven-month old. Lucas was a big, fairly large baby. His indecently delicious chunky ankles proved to be almost irresistible and the way his blue eyes seemed to stand out on his round face was too much for both parents to bear. Owen had always wanted to be a father, but he had no idea how delightful it really was to get home after a heavy day at work and hear the sound of his baby’s laughter, or to see him throw himself in his dad’s arms, absolutely happy for nothing other than Owen’s presence.

“He is always hungry.” Owen pointed out, getting beneath the covers next to Amelia. He watched as Lucas didn’t let go of his mother’s breast while deeply staring at her the entire time he fed. “I think he is in love with you.” The trauma surgeon pointed out with a chuckle.

“Well, I am in love with him,” Amelia replied, wrapping her arms tighter around her baby. He was the most gorgeous baby in the entire planet and she was absolutely sure of it.

It didn’t take Lucas more than a few minutes after that to fall asleep. Much to her dismay, Amelia let Owen take him to his cradler in the room opposite to them. She had just finished setting up the baby monitor when her husband returned to their bedroom, startling her by unceremoniously pulling her and lying on her top in bed.

“You smell like rash cream.” Owen laughed, on purpose sniffing her hair.

“Someone had to do the dirty work.” Amelia teased.

“No one is complaining…” He smiled, leaning over to steal a kiss. “That being said… I think we’ve made it to the most important question of the night.” He held the suspense, being cute on purpose. “What are we doing for Valentine’s day?”

Amelia was absolutely surprised by the question and realized she had completely forgotten about the date. It seemed like for the past seven months (and even prior to that), she and Owen had been mostly devoted to Lucas. So much that they had spent less and less time alone together. But since their baby was already eating solids and tolerating more hours in the absence of his mother, it was reasonably fair that they asked either Evelyn or Maggie to watch him for a couple of hours just so they could sneak out of the house for a little bit and have some time to be together.

“You want to go out to that little restaurant down the street?” Amelia asked with excitement in her eyes. She and Owen used to go there quite often and they were already familiar with the couple’s personal preferences.

“I guess it makes sense, being so close to home. We won’t waste any time in traffic or anything.” Owen agreed, already looking forward to it.

“I think I am going to order the crab cakes and…”

“You always want the crab cakes.” Owen rolled his eyes playfully, pointing out he wasn’t surprised.

“That’s because they are the most delici-”

Amelia’s sentence was interrupted when her husband stole a kiss.

“You don’t want to talk about the appetizers?” She teased him, biting her lower lip while Owen gently slid a hand on the curve of her thigh, sneakily exploring.

“Not really,” he whispered against her ear before giving Amelia a kiss that would make her forget all about the restaurant menu. “I’d much rather just skip straight to dessert.”

Two days later, Amelia was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. After a long day at work, her entire body ached.

“I think my head is going to explode.” She told Owen as he got dressed after showering. “Now I know how Luke was feeling earlier this week.” Just days before, Lucas had come down with a nasty cold he’d caught at daycare. Apparently, Amelia had caught it too. “I can’t believe I am sick. Today of all days.” She complained.

“You don’t look too good.” Owen stopped putting on his shirt and studied Amelia’s expression a little closer. He’d spent the entire day at the hospital catching up with his new position duties, but when he’d left home that morning, Amelia didn’t have the dark circles around her eyes like she did now.

“Why, thank you.” His wife replied sarcastically, unsuccessfully trying to tie the strap of her high heel shoe.

“I mean it.” Owen ignored her willfulness. “Are you sure you’re okay to go out?”

Amelia let out a heavy sigh. For the past months, she had barely seen her husband and even at times when they could be together, she had had a hard time letting go of Lucas because being away from him devastated her. As expected, Owen had been nothing but understanding and hadn’t once complained or demanded more attention. But deep down, she knew he’d been craving for this night when, for at least a couple of hours, they would be able to have a conversation that didn’t involve diapers or spit bubbles. For the first time in a while, Amelia felt fairly comfortable to leave her child at home with his grandmother because the plan was perfect. They would be just a few blocks away, so in case of any eventuality, she could quickly make it back home.

But right now, her head felt like it would burst at any second, her throat was dry and sore and she was having a hard time gathering enough energy to even tie a shoelace.

“I am so sorry…”

Owen’s confusion was clear on his face when he heard Amelia’s sobs.

“Amelia?” He gave up buttoning his shirt and went to sit by her side on the bed, watching with shock as a couple of tears fell from her eyes. “Babe, are you okay?”

“I don’t think I can make it tonight.” Amelia said apologetically, sustaining his look with her bright blue eyes drowning in tears. Owen didn’t have enough time to process that before she buried her face on his neck. “I am sorry…”

He chuckled and surrounded her waist with his arms, pulling her closer. During Lucas’ pregnancy, Amelia had also been emotionally messy. Owen supposed it was the hormones that got the best of her.

“Hey, don’t worry, okay?” The trauma surgeon ran his hand on her back up and down, gently trying to soothe her. “It’s not your fault.”

Her voice sounded muffled against his shirt.

“Of course it is… I know how much you were counting on this and now…” Amelia sniffed, trying to pull herself back together. “It’s my fault that we’re not going on a date.”

“Well, I never wanted to go out on a date.” Owen said convincingly. Amelia was obviously surprised, because she lifted her head and looked into his eyes with a lot of questions on her face. “I wanted to be with you.” He stated, knowing that deep down it was true. Owen had indeed been looking forward to go out with her, but it was okay that they couldn’t go that night. They could do it the following week, or whenever they wanted. All he’d strived for was being with Amelia, and if that meant being at home, so be it. “I’ll tell you what,” Owen smiled, trying to cheer up his wife. “You can’t go on the date, but the date can come to you.”

“Owen, what the…?” Amelia frowned, watching as he got up and picked up one of his coats.

“You stay here and take some aspirin.” He instructed, picking up Lucas from the floor mat and then the baby’s coat and car keys. “We are the men of the house.” Owen said with a smile, giving Lucas a kiss on the cheek before looking back at his wife with his son in his arms. “We’re on it.”

Amelia gave up the dress and the fancy shoes as she spent the next forty minutes emptying a box of Kleenex as her runny nose wouldn’t give her a break. She had just felt the relief of being pain free after the aspirin kicked in when the sound of Owen’s car caught her attention.

To her absolute delight, her husband walked into the house carrying two large bags with take out food from their favorite restaurant. Somewhere along the way, he had called his mother to let her know they weren’t going out to dinner anymore.

“The crab cakes!” Amelia celebrated, picking up the box containing them. She had to dodge Lucas’ attempt to get his hand on the food before looking up at Owen with dreamy eyes. “You remembered!”

Owen smiled, glad to see she seemed a lot happier than before.

“Is this how it’s going to be from now on?” Amelia asked playfully, trying to juggle eating her food and containing Lucas on her lap at the same time.

“I surely hope so.” Owen replied, absolutely relaxed.

He and Amelia were sitting on the floor of their living room with several boxes opened on their coffee table. Lucas repeatedly tried to make moves for the food, even though he had just been fed, entertaining both his parents with his excessive gluttony.

“Do you think the new baby will be like him?” Owen asked, ruffling Lucas’ hair and being rewarded with a wide, toothless smile.

“I hope he or she is more like me.” Amelia chided. Lucas was physically similar to Owen. Only his eyes were like hers. It was only fair the new baby had some of her traits.

“Not gonna happen.” Owen teased her. In reality, he didn’t mind one bit if their next child took after Amelia.

“We’ll see about that.” Amelia replied challengingly. “And don’t say what you’re about to say. I know exactly what you’re thinking.”

“What?” Owen asked, genuinely confused.

“You think that just because you’re the boss now you can get away with things, but it’s not happening.” Amelia gave him her best devilish smile.

“I wasn’t thinking that.”

“Well, I was.”

Owen noticed the spark in her eyes at that moment but soon enough, his son’s happy giggles distracted him and thoughts about work quickly vanished his mind.

That valentine’s date in trio wasn’t exactly what they initially had in mind, but he had enjoyed it so much that he felt happier than he’d felt all day. He wouldn’t mind repeating it year after year. Owen hadn’t expected that they would have another baby so soon but now that he knew for sure his wife was pregnant, he was completely enjoying the idea.

And as he went to bed that night, Owen slept peacefully, without the faintest idea of just how much trouble his wife would cause, turning both his personal and professional lives completely upside down.

So Owen is the new chief and Amelia is his pestering pregnant wife. How is that going to work out? :)

#omelia #myboys #myboysfanfiction #omeliafics #omeliafanfic #owelia #amenff #owen hunt #amelia shepherd #greysanatomy #greysanatomyfanfic

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simplyrochellemari · 7 years

Text

Knock next time. ~Bucky Barnes~

Summary: Bucky has been away on a mission for three weeks leaving the ex-SHIELD agent with severe PTSD alone.

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: The reader has PTSD and becomes easily anxious.

Author’s Note: Guys- I’m so sorry for the short hiatus. I was just working through some personal issues that took priority. :) Sorry to all who has been waiting for me to update. I’m back and writing up a storm.

This is not my gif but if it is yours tell me and I’ll give you some credit.

Thank you for 151 followers :) Please don’t hesitate to fill my inbox with requests and messages. xx

---

You unlocked the door to the apartment - the familiar pull and push of the old creaky door knob- a relief after the long day of work. The two jobs that you were trying to juggle taking its toll on you. And the empty apartment.

You dropped the keys on the kitchen counter as you quickly kicked the door closed. Swiftly locking the door again- a habit. The closed door shielding you from the icy breeze that licked at your bare skin before entering.

The empty apartment smothering all the relief that you felt upon entering. You sighed almost irritably as you pushed forward into the apartment.

You smiled slightly at the familiar smell of vanilla and cinnamon hitting your nose as you passed the scented candle on your way to the living room.

The one Bucky had given you on your 1 year anniversary along with a gorgeous promise ring that still sat on your ring finger- and that was 3 years ago. The candle held so many memories alone.

Late night dinners, Bucky cooking, You cooking, dancing in the dim-lit kitchen, drinking coffee at two in the morning because Bucky had woken from a nightmare, early mornings as you and him discussed missions and what you had to do at work, hosting a game night with the other team members. In all these memories it was Bucky that was always there.

You groaned inwardly as the past memories flooded your head and at the thought of him not being home yet.

You attempted to massage your neck- the stress, anxiety and tension- biting violently at all the muscles in your neck and shoulders. It starting to build into a headache at the nape of your neck.

You collapsed onto the couch- counting the days he had be gone on this mission quietly in your head.

3 weeks.

It has been three weeks since you’ve last seen your long time partner, boyfriend and lover of 4 years.

The most difficult four years of both you and Bucky’s lives.

The winter soldier situation, endless arguments with Bucky, the nightmares, night terrors, the Tony and Steve situation, Bucky and you fighting with Steve and the fact that you went undercover for 6 months to infiltrate a sex traffic ring and returned with a horrid case of PTSD.

It was a hell of a four years but you always had Bucky amidst the chaos of your lives and he had you.

He has always been your rock, anchor and the only person that kept you grounded in the world of sudden normalcy. As you left SHIELD behind to take care of him, and yourself and try to stick to as much of a normal life as possible. To try and combat your severe case of PTSD.

But it has been three weeks since you spoke to him- or any of the other team members. Satellite phones were always mandatory and you couldn’t even think about emailing or texting like a normal couple. He had to call you.

You glanced over to the satellite phone standing motionless on the tea table with both you and Bucky’s books stacked high beneath the lamp- a lone cup of icy cold coffee filling the table as well.

Your eyes flicked away not being able to bear the thought of him not calling you because something had happened and towards the photo frames on the opposite table and a smile ghosted over your face.

There were 2 frames on the table; the first one with you and Bucky lost in a kiss on new years eve after you quit the force and the other one with you and Bucky dancing on the beach the only holiday you both had been able to take in the blur of the last four years.

You sighed as a odd tear sprung to your eye and you leaned over to grab the remote for the television trying to distract yourself as much as possible.

You just wanted him home.

The screen in front of you flickered to life and the first thing that popped up was the two security cameras Bucky had set up at the front and backdoor upon your request. Upon you returning from being undercover for so long.

Your eyes carefully scanned the two images nothing attracting your attention and then you flicked over to the news. You had finished the late shift at your waitering job tonight and it was about 9;00pm.

You had hoped Bucky would be home but he wasn’t and the chances were slim for him showing up anytime now.

Then you heard it. Something falling over in the kitchen. A vase- a glass- a cup- something had fallen over. Your blood ran cold.

Your ears blocking out all the news the television was making and only focusing on background noise. Someone was in your apartment. And you were sure it wasn’t Bucky. You silently moved toward the cupboard with the stack of books and the satellite phone.

The hand-gun you had used in the force laid in there. The floor-boards creaked in the kitchen and you almost screamed and burst into tears simultaneously.

Was it a robber? Was it someone that had found you due to your undercover life? Where they going to take you away? Do the things they did to the little boys and girls? Were they just going to kill you?

Your mind raced with questions which didn’t help the ever growing anxiety that was building.

You had managed to pull the drawer open as far as possible without any noise and ability to pull the gun out.

You slicked off the couch moving yourself to the entrance to the living room. Holding the gun firmly in both of your hands. Your hands trembling. Your tongue tasting like metal. Your feet tingling at the anxiety. Your chest aching.

You blinked rapidly and cursed yourself silently for not turning on any lights. The movement not seizing in the kitchen. You slowly moved your feet etching closer to the entrance

-the kitchen slowly coming into view.

Then your felt your heart tug and relief spill over your body like icy water. Your heart thudding against your chest. You instantly dropping the gun and letting both hands hang by your side- trembling.

“Bucky” you whispered- barely audible. But he somehow heard and turned towards you. A smile cracking across his face but soon fading as he saw you shaking like a leaf- a gun in your hand.

“Y/N.” he spoke in almost an apology. “I’m sorry- I should’ve knocked. I just didn’t know if you were asleep and I didn’t want to bother you.”

You shook your head as he moved towards you. You took a step forward and you were standing in the hallway. With him a few inches from you.

“I-I-I t-hou-ght y-y-ou-” you stuttered but he quickly moved till his hands were resting on both your arms trying to steady you.

“It’s okay darl. It’s me. I’m home.” he cooed. You nodded as tears started to pluck at your eyes.

Dropping the gun right there on the floor as you threw your arms around Bucky’s neck. His hair tickling your cheek. He quickly wrapped his arms around you careful not to hurt you with his metal arm. He smelled of gun powder, aeroplane and something that only Bucky could smell of.

“I missed you.” you whispered as he sunk his face into your neck. Lifting you off the ground slightly.

“I missed you. I’m sorry I stayed away this long it’s just that-” he spoke but you cut him off.

“Your home- that’s all that matters.” you replied. He squeezed you and you felt at peace with standing there with him- you in his arms. Just to reassure that it was him and that he was safely at home.

Slowly you pulled away from one another. Him quickly picking up the hand gun. Un-cocking it.

“I was ready to shoot you, you know.” your voice uttered and he glanced up at you forming a sympathetic smile.

“I promise to knock next time. I swear.” he said solemnly. You nodded.

“Please do. You scared the shit out of me.” you laughed nervously. He smiled as he placed the gun on the counter behind him.

“I scared the shit out of you?” he questioned, “I nearly threw you with a skillet because I thought you were sleeping.”

You laughed slightly as he chuckled wrapping his arm around you and pulling you close.

“Of course that is the first thing a SHIELD agent thinks of doing.” you replied and he winked.

“I’m off duty.” he winked and you laughed as you both made your way to the kitchen. Both you and Bucky cooking together for a late night dinner. Something both of you had needed after the long time being apart.

#Bucky Barnes #james bucky barnes #james barnes #bucky imagine #steve x bucky #buckynat #bucky x reader #captain america #reader x steve rogers #Steve Rogers #sam wilson #natasha romanoff #Black Widow #Winter Soldier #winter solider x reader #winter solider imagine #ptsdawareness #ptsd recovery

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maggiecheungs · 1 year

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hi! i just wanted to let you know that following you has rekindled my interest in cinema. i used to be very passionate about it — at one point i even contemplated going to film school after graduating to learn scriptwriting — but somewhere along the way i got discouraged and little by little i even lost interest in watching movies / going to the cinema. since i've been following you, though, i've been reminded of why cinema / movies were so appealing to me in the first place. i love expanding my to-watch list thanks to all the movies you mention / reblog posts about and i really enjoy reading your thoughts and your tags. thank you for that ❤️

there are lots of things i feel like i should say im response to this, but honestly all i’ve got right now is: this is genuinely one of the loveliest things that anyone has ever told me, and thank you for taking the time to let me know ❤️ i’m truly, deeply honoured

#mandatory 'sorry for the late reply i was on hiatus'#life has been hitting me in the face with a baseball bat for the past few months but reading this made something relax in my chest <3 #so really. thanks <3 #i very much hope that you are having a good day and finding joy in watching films and anything else that you love xx #anonymous #ask response #also can i just say that i've always been very... solitary in my media consumption habits #but since i began to really love films i have become acutely conscious of just how many people were involved in their creation #i am just one person at the end of a long chain of people how have loved this piece of art just as acutely as i do #but old habits are hard to break i guess #bc every time someone tells me smth like this i am still surprised to realise that i might not be the last link in that chain after all #it’s…. surprising and humbling every single time #receiving someone else's love for something and passing it onwards is truly one of the best gifts you can give and receive i think <3

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maggiecheungs · 1 year

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i looked into bishonen 1998 because of your post and damm why do all hong kong china gay movies from the 90's end in death n suicide 😞

yeah you definitely have to be in the right head space before watching them 😭 but it's balanced out by the fact that the same period also produced fuckton of films with some of the most insane gay subtext you've ever seen

#bbscclmate #ask response #mandatory 'sorry for the late reply i was on hiatus'#honestly i tend to not mind all the death etc because i like depressing films so long as they make sense thematically #and there are enough depressed straight ppl in 90s sinophone cinema that it doesn't feel uniquely targeted at queer people #but also i'm obviously glad that we're seeing a wider range of genres being produced now

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maggiecheungs · 2 years

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🐱 🦊 moderately to fairly intimidating because like. you're so nice and give off this very welcoming vibe and i wouldn't be scared of asking you for directions on the street BUT you also Know so many things and you're smart and Knowledgeable which i do find intimidating but also really cool (also i just. really wanted to use the fox emoji it's so cute)

RO MY DARLINGGGG i'm absolutely cackling because it seems like i've Tricked you into thinking i'm smart and Knowledgeable, when in reality, if you *did* stop me on the street to ask for directions, there's a 96% chance that you would end up end up having to show me which way to go 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i may look Clever and a Little Bit Intimidating on here but i promise you that i'm a Whole idiot with very little common sense irl <3

how intimidating am i?

#mandatory 'sorry for the late reply i was on hiatus'#but hiiiiiii <3 i hope you're doing well <333 #ask response #ro tag #ask game #seriously i am A Bit Dumb about most things 😭😭

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maggiecheungs · 1 year

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hello ! Sorry to bother But I was wondering if u had any 90's Hong Kong movies that you could recommend me ? I'm researching them for school and I usually get the most interesting and gutwrenching sinophone movie recs from your blog so I thought I should ask if u had any ! Thank u ❣️

Hey you 🥰 this is probably waaaaaay to late to be of any help with your research (sorry!) but I'll answer anyway just in case <3 (also, it got. a bit long 😳 so sorry about that lmao)

I'll start off by addressing the elephant in the room, a.k.a. Wong Kar-wai: the director you really can't avoid mentioning when talking about 90s and 00s Hong Kong cinema, and for good reason. I won't mention all his films here, but his best known are probably In the Mood for Love (which is regularly hailed as one of the greatest films ever made, which. yes); Happy Together (a staple of queer cinema starring Tony Leung and Leslie Cheung caught up in a fever-like, destructive love affair in Buenos Aires); Chungking Express (another classic beloved by many, many people); Fallen Angels (a stylish and chaotically seductive about eccentric figures inhabiting Hong Kong's nightlife).

Another director from this period who I think is worth highlighting is Stanley Kwan. He's probably best known for Rouge, which is from 1987 but which I’m including because it’s a classic; it stars the wonderful Leslie Cheung and Anita Mui as the principals in a doomed, decades-spanning love affair, featuring sumptuous visuals, ghosts, and time-slippages between the 1930s and 1980s. His other most notable work is probably Center Stage (1991); it's a very meta biopic of the 1930s actress Ruan Lingyu, who is portrayed by Maggie Cheung, and Kwan uses the film to draw parallels between the two actresses living decades apart. And I'll also mention his Lan Yu (2001), a gay love story set against the backdrop of Tiananmen Square and its aftermath (it's probably weird to admit that this is one of my comfort films but shrugs).

Comrades: Almost a Love Story (1996) is an absolute favourite of mine, about immigrant identity, missed chances and lives you could have led, human connection under capitalism, and the love story between two people whose paths keep crossing despite everything--all of which is topped off with fantastic performances from Maggie Cheung and Leon Lai.

Farewell My Concubine (1993) was a Hong Kong-mainland co-production and is probably one of the best known films on this list, starring the fantastic Leslie Cheung in one of the defining performances of his career (tbh it would be worth watching for his performance alone). Coming in at just under 3 hours, it's a cinematic epic in pretty much every sense of the word.

Speaking of Leslie Cheung: Viva Erotica (1996), in which he plays an arthouse director whose Serious Films keep flopping, so he has to turn his next film into an erotic movie financed by a triad boss. It’s funny and big-hearted and has some unexpectedly interesting things to say about filmmaking and cinema as both an industry and as an artform.

Ann Hui is one of the few female big-name Hong Kong directors of the 90s; I'd recommend her 1990 film Song of the Exile--a film about generational conflict, immigration, cultural alienation and family ties, which takes place across the UK, Hong Kong, and Japan, and stars Maggie Cheung in the lead role. (Another prominent woman director from the period whom I've been meaning to watch since forever Mabel Cheung--really looking forward to finally seeing something of hers soon.)

Takeshi Kaneshiro and Kelly Chen had quite a few collaborations which are rather nice. Their Anna Magdalena (1998) is a quirky but poignant love-triangle story that inexplicably turns into a delightful steampunk romp. Lost and Found (1996) is another quirky-but-poignant love story, albeit a little more sedate.

For action films, there's the legendary John Woo, whose films are pretty quintessential action flicks--Hard Boiled is a pretty good example of his filmography. There's also The Heroic Trio and Executioners (both 1993): an action duology starring Michelle Yeoh, Maggie Cheung and Anita Mui as a trio of ass-kicking vigilante superheroes. It's sooooo much fun, peak cinema, marvel could never, etc. etc. I'm also going to mention Infernal Affairs (2002), starring Tony Leung Chiu-wai and Andy Lau, because it's one of my favourite action thriller films of all time.

Wuxia: a lot of the most well-known titles of the genre are from the first decades of the 2000s, and because of their scope they tend to be international productions, but often had veteran Hong Kong actors in main roles (for example, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000), Hero (2002), House of Flying Daggers (2004)--all of which I would recommend, btw). But there were also quite a few wuxia films that came out of Hong Kong in the 90s, including New Dragon Gate Inn (a fun 1992 remake of the 1960s wuxia classic, starring Brigitte Lin, Tony Leung Ka-fai, Maggie Cheung); The Green Snake (1993), a retelling of the traditional Legend of the White Snake that doubles as an interesting deconstruction of lots of the main tropes of the wuxia genre; Wong Kar-wai's 1994 Ashes of Time, which has an insanely star-studded cast and is pretty much what you'd expect a wkw wuxia film to be like.

.......aaaaaaand i'm going to stop there, because this is already a Lot😅 but hopefully there's something of use in here--if not for your research, then at least recommending a new film to watch <3

#mandatory 'sorry for the late reply i was on hiatus'#or well semi-hiatus #although i think everyone knows by now how useless i am at remembering to check my inbox #😅#bbscclmate #ask response #hong kong movie #i also should add the necessary disclaimer that i am by no means an expert and there are definitely lots more films worth mentioning that..#.....i simply haven't seen yet #i've only mentioned ones that i've watched but they're just a tiny fraction of everything on offer!!!!

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