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#my grandmother is pressuring me about grad school

burntheedges · 4 months

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get to know me tag 💕

tagged by @sp00kymulderr @sheepdogchick3 @mermaidgirl30 thanks y’all 🫶🏻

1. Were you named after anyone? yes, after two of my great grandmothers. and my name is just Kate, it's not short for anything.

2. When was the last time you cried? definitely in the last week. a few days ago? I had therapy on Monday, that might be when. lol

3. Do you have kids? no. we're on the fence. I have approximately one million nieces and nephews and niblings, though.

4. What sports do you play/have played? I danced growing up — I was in a company, we did ballet, jazz, tap, lyrical/contemporary, hip hop, etc. that was mostly what I did with my time (5 days/week). I took classes in college and grad school and I've looked for tap classes everywhere I've lived since. I still take tap classes now (it was always my favorite).

5. Do you use sarcasm? does anyone... not?

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people? faces, I guess? I'm pretty good at remembering names if I'm paying attention, so I'm matching a face to a name.

7. What’s your eye color? brown

8. Scary movies or happy endings? I can't do scary movies like, at all. but there are like three specific things that will keep me from watching a movie (like, when people crawl like crabs), and if it's scary or a thriller and it doesn't have those things I can probably manage it. I am a sucker for happy endings. all of my fic have happy endings. like, I'll read other stuff, but it's just who I am. if I ever write solid angst we should all be impressed I managed it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

9. Any talents? dance, since I had so many years of lessons. I'm pretty good with languages.

10. Where were you born? Georgia (the US state, not the country)

11. What are your hobbies? knitting, sewing. I just realized I can add writing to this list, which is kind of exciting? also watching hockey. video games.

12. Do you have any pets? one cat, Olly (short for Oliver)

13. How tall are you? 5'6"

14. Favorite subject in school? languages (Spanish, Russian), history, and in college, linguistics

15. Dream job? sometime y'all should get me to monologue about the years I spent disentangling the idea of work from the idea of a calling (thanks, grad school). but I don't have a dream job. I know generally what I like to do. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like I've tagged a billion people this week so please just tell me if you don't want to be tagged in these things lol

no pressure tags: @katareyoudrilling @davnittbraes @djarins-cyare @beardedjoel

#tag games #about me #ask me anything

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thehappyfeminist-22 · 3 months

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15 QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

I was tagged by @ofmd-ann five days ago. Sorry it's taken me this long to get around to responding.

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: First name, no. But my middle name is after one of my great-grandmothers.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: A few weeks ago, some creep was not-so-subtlely following me in the park and actually chased me as I fled in my car. I reported him to the police and cried when I got home. That was one of the most terrifying things I've ever been through.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?: No, but I would like one or two. My boyfriend has to finish grad school first.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?: I've never played any sports, and I have no interest in any.

DO YOU USE SARCASM?: It's my second language.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?: As an introvert, I'm quick to pick up on whether people are draining to be around.

WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOUR?: Gray-blue.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?: Why not both?

ANY TALENTS?: I'm good at needlework and storing this huge mental repository of the most random facts that I'll probably never need. I'm also a pretty good writer, if I do say so myself.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?: Alabama

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?: Needlework, video games, writing fanfiction, reading (mostly young adult novels and fanfiction), photography, obsessing over my fandoms, and collecting various things (knick-knacks, gaming dice, Magic and Pokemon cards, comic books, stickers, a few vintage cookbooks, crystals, plushies, and a jar of random tiny trinkets because I'm a goblin).

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: Between the two of us, my boyfriend and I have four cats.

HOW TALL ARE YOU?: I'm five feet tall. I'm a smol bean.

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?: Lunch

DREAM JOB?: I've always loved to write, and I would love to be a successful published author someday. I dream of my books amassing their own fandoms that people obsess over and ask me questions about and make fanart and write fanfiction for.

no pressure tags: Everyone I can think of has probably already been tagged more than once, so if you have, feel free to ignore this. @piratecaptainscaptainpirates @gentlebeardsbarngrill @celluloidbroomcloset @spirker @bizarrelittlemew @saltpepperbeard @blakbonnet @sherlockig @pumpkinspicepirates @merryfinches @the-pirate-duck @edscuntyeyeshadow @huffle-ego @forpiratereasons @hang-on-lil-tomato

#ask me stuff #questionaire #about me #tag friends

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someforeignband · 7 months

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15 questions game!!!

thank you for the tag @pearynice <3 <3

1. Are you named after anyone?

i am not! i was supposed to be Quinlan after my grandmother but !! i was named something else instead (my mom heard the name at a garage sale and decided she liked it 3 days before i was born)

2. When was the last time you cried?

two nights ago - had to leave some friends i hadn’t seen in months.

3. Do you have kids?

no - thank god !! i am 22.

4. What sports do you play/ have played?

whew i played a lot of sports in high school and college!!! i did cheer, gymnastics, tennis, golf, soccer, diving, and power lifting !

i cheered in college as well! it was a blast (until it wasn’t)

5. Do you use sarcasm?

yes - but sometimes it confuses me esp online when people don’t use indicators haha

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

usually how they speak to service industry employees!! physically, tho, i look at shoes a lot

7. What’s your eye color?

bluey greeny grey

8. Scary movie or happy endings?

i loooooooooooooooooove scary movies !! but i also love happy endings!!!!!

9. Any talents?

i can make a very realistic sounding pig noise! i can also play the piano!

10. Where were you born?

🌽✨nebraska✨🌽

11. What are your hobbies?

reading, writing, drawing!! i also love to play the piano and sing even if im not very good!!!

i also love to make friendship bracelets!

12. Do you have any pets?

TWO (very naughty) DOGGIES !!!! pic below

13. How tall are you?

5’4

14. Favorite subject in school?

English/Lit and History! i’m in grad school for history now!!

15. Dream job?

writer! i’d love to be able to just write books forever and ever and never have to do anything else.

no pressure tags!! (sorry if you’ve already been tagged/don’t like tag games lol)

@yours-etc @hammity-hammer @singledadharrington @dykesteddie

#tag game!#this was fun #ej speaks !!

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ryebecca · 1 year

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15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

I was tagged by @mxgyver! ✨

1. are you named after anyone?

I’m named after my great-grandmother, a Holocaust survivor, and my great-great-grandmother who came to this country in the 1920s to escape rampant antisemitism in Europe. Sufficed to say, I’m named after two incredibly strong women. ❤️

2. when was the last time you cried?

Last week. PMS was hitting hard and everything was making me cry!

3. do you have kids?

Nope! Hopefully one day, but until then I dote over the niblings.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

A lot? Don’t think so. But I’m definitely fluent!

5. what sports do you play/have you played?

None, nada, zilch, zip.

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

Eyes, hands, and sense of humor.

7. what’s your eye colour?

Super duper dark brown, to the point where it’s incredibly difficult to dilate my eyes at the ophthalmologist.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings! I despise jump scares. 😱

9. any special talents?

I can recite all the monarchs of England in order. Is that special?

10. where were you born?

NEW YAWK CITY 🍎 🗽 ✨

11. what are your hobbies?

Reading, baking, knitting, wandering museums, and seeing Broadway shows on the cheap!

12. do you have pets?

None! I have a tiny apartment and it wouldn’t be fair to a pet.

13. how tall are you?

I’m 5′7 1/2 (I cling onto that last half inch, okay?)

14. favourite subject in school?

English and history! 🤓

15. dream job?

A curator at a major art museum. I currently work in an adjacent field, but I did get to intern at the Met in grad school and it was the BEST experience. 🖼️

no pressure tagging: @wildbornsiren @writercole @blue-aconite @roosterforme @bradshawsbaby @rhettabbotts @bobfloydsbabe @seresinsweetie @withahappyrefrain @rae-gar-targaryen @mothdruid @yanna-banana @antiquitea @fuckyeahhangman @hederasgarden @imjess-themess @notroosterbradshaw (oops I tagged more than 15! whatever shall happen?)

#tag game #about me #text post

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bearsbeetsbeskar · 6 months

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Hi! I've followed for a bit, but I just wanted to reach out in regards to your more recent post about that feeling of everything caving in with school and the demands there plus home life.

I definitely understand that in its entirety. It can be incredibly heavy. I'm also in that stage of trying my damned hardest to finish this semester. I gave myself an eight class workload while working full time, trying to mother, and working on law school applications.

Something that helps me is trying to focus on all the things I have accomplished rather than what is left to accomplish.

In that regard, I see myself doing things I didn't even know I was capable of doing. 🖤

It's easy to succumb to the pressures that we place on ourselves. Just try to give yourself a little bit of grace, a lot of admiration because of just how much you've kicked your life's ass rather than how much it is kicking yours, and keep on keeping on while knowing it's almost over and you're almost there.

Just, that felt important to tell you.

I hope it helps and just know that you're lovely and unique and capable of anything that you accept you can do.

Tessa, holy crap.

I just wanted to let you know that I saw this message when you first sent it (well over a week ago thanks to my burnout crisis with wrapping up the semester), and it actually made me cry

UGLY CRYING cries

this means so much to me, you have no idea. it get's so lost on us to look at all that we have overcome and accomplished when we're constantly up against new life stressors and obstacles, but you're so right that remembering these things are so important!

I guess for some context, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year, got the surgery to remove the tumour, did chemo, radiation, the whole nine yards, and then a month ago she fell and fractured her ankle. earlier this year I broke up with my ex of 5 years and ended our engagement, and he moved out of my house. and on top of that my grandmother has been battling with breast cancer for the last two years, but her condition has greatly deteriorated, and we are really not sure if she will make it to the new year at this point.

So i guess trying to manage all of that on top of grad school with a full courseload and an internship... was a lot for me. But I fail to step back and look at all these battles I endured that I probably didn't have the strength to overcome before. You have so much on your plate as well, and holy crap, forget anything I said because you are a MOM on top of everything else, and that in and of itself is a huge job. You are an inspiration, and you have so much strength to persevere in spite of all the things life is throwing your way.

thank you so much for your kind words. I am gonna use this mindset moving forward 'you're capable of anything that you accept you can do.' ❤️ 🥹

You got this, we got this!!!!

#this was so kind and fuckign sweet and how did I deserve such lovely people interacting with me on this hellsite???#can I frame this or

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orchidlatte · 10 months

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15 Questions :)

Tagged by @16magnolias Tysm!! 🙂

1. Were you named after anybody?

My middle name is my great-grandmother's middle name. My parents just liked my first name!

2. When was the last time you cried?

A couple days ago. I am being trained on cleaning the store where I work, and I got frustrated because I was running behind and wasn't going to be able to complete all my tasks. I asked for help and my coworkers encouraged me!

3. Do you have kids?

I do not. My fiance wants them in the future, I would like to have just one.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Less than the average person! (Honestly unless you use "sarcasm tone" or is very obvious in context, it has a tendency to go over my head, I am not fond of using it for that reason.)

5. What sports do you play/have played?

I weightlift and do judo! (I am not good at either, they're all in good fun)

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone?

Hair, 100%! To me, hair is the most distinct and recognizable thing about a person.

7. Eye color?

Blue.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. I am not a scary movie girlie.

9. Any special talents?

I'm pretty good at baking and cooking! I am also good at planning and organizing, and I'm detail oriented.

10. Where were you born?

USA

11. What are your hobbies?

Drawing, writing and reading fanfiction, weightlifting, and judo.

12. Do you have any pets?

Not at the moment, but I am considering getting a cat. I am starting grad school this month, so I am waiting to ensure I am financially stable enough to own a kitty! Fingers crossed!!

13. How tall are you?

5'3"

14. Favorite subject in school?

All of them! I loved learning. The only subject I didn't like was geometry.

15. Dream job?

Public health job or a nonprofit!

Tagging (no pressure and apologies if you've already been tagged!): @ramblesanddragons @rats0ut @catastrouge @missilestorm1

#tag game

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hedoughnism · 2 months

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Embarrassing personal life undercut

I graduated with my undergrad degree in December, but I’m still a mess, I’ve been getting past my anxiety and autism and family infantilization and practicing driving every day, today I drove back and forth on the highway in the rain, but I’m still very nervous on the Highway, and haven’t drove without someone else in the car yet

My mother asked me about looking at job/grad-school/volunteering again, if nothing else she wants me volunteering If I can’t find a job, Ive looked at jobs, but everything seems to require going back to school first, and I’m not ready to commit to that yet, I havent looked seriously though, cause I didn’t want to commit to a volunteer/job/scholarship whatever, till I was driving around everywhere on my own, but plans are changing with her pressure

There is a cat TNR organization half an hour away, they have openings for “vet techs” no certificate required!, experience desired but not necessary. Blood draws, vaccines, dental cleanings, even anesthetic shots, the basic stuff hands on. If nothing else there is other positions There monitoring the cats, cleaning, feeding etc, I’m going to talk to my mother about it soon, maybe ask my grandmother If I can practice my blood draws on her again, I have a lump in my neck and chest, as much as I hated my major, seeing this opportunity has reminded me why I was drawn to it, I wrote up a little message to maybe send them convincing them to take me on.

Wish me the best of luck

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poetunias · 2 years

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writeblr re-introduction!

why hello! i’m emmie. it’s lovely to meet you!

i was pretty active on writeblr a year ago before taking a break for anxiety reasons but i am back! a bit about me:

18, she/her

christian

contemporary/literary fiction writer

reader, crocheter, pianist, compulsive daydreamer

you can find all of my writing here! i’ve been writing mostly short fiction lately, but if you’re on desktop, my wip pages are here.

and if you’re not on desktop...

help yourself - ya contemporary fiction you’ll like this if you like: fake dating // college shenanigans // undercurrents of unrequited love // nerds Witty, weird, and wearing her heart on her sleeve, Lettie Parker has straight-As in everything - everything except romance. But now that she’s at college, longtime friend Hannah Chen is thriving socially and Lettie feels like their friendship is melting away. So when a misunderstanding about Lettie’s relationship with a certain boy suddenly makes Hannah more invested and happy with Lettie, Lettie figures a little lie won’t hurt. (She’s wrong, it will.)

jane in three dimensions- contemporary literary fiction you’ll like this if you like: epistolary storytelling // uncovering immigrant family history // independent young women // sarcastic narrators Jane is initially thrilled to get a historical research fellowship at her dream grad school, until her aunt (named Jane) and grandmother (also Jane) offer to board her for the summer. Problem 1: she’s never met them. Problem 2: she’s always thought they hated her. But as she tries to reconcile the Janes she meets, her mother’s family stories, and a shared history she’s never heard before, her scholarly interest can’t help being piqued. All she has to navigate now is her pride, time, ambition, and a completely unfamiliar family culture. Easy, right?

improv- romance (on hiatus) -- wip page you’ll like this if you like: celebrity journalism // musings on fame and true love // fluff with a hint of angst // music Jana&Jon are music’s hottest new sensations. Thrown into the height of celebrity, the duo have become icons not only of musicianship but of romance, with fans idolizing their chemistry and tight harmonies. But fame changes everything, even for Jana and Jon. With the paparazzi breathing down their necks and eager fans watching their every move, their relationship becomes strained. First their marriage, then their friendship begins to decay, and the pressure is on to continue with millions of eyes following them.

i'm so very excited to be back again and i'd love to hear from you! tell me about your wips! embrace shameless self-promotion! i'm looking for new writeblr friends, so sound off in the notes -- i can't wait to learn more about your writing.

#writeblr introduction #writeblr intro #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writblr

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altheterrible · 3 years

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On strength and the Future

My therapist had to reschedule me from today (3/9) to tomorrow (3/10) due to “unforeseen circumstances” and of course my first thought was that she hates me and thinks I'm boring and pathetic.

I have no logical reason to think this. She's only ever been extremely supportive and validating. I just feel like I'm boring and pathetic, so I feel like everyone else feels that way about me, too.

The thing is, I am not boring. Or pathetic.

I'm depressed. I'm depressed, and that makes me feel boring. I'm actually very interesting, I'm extremely well educated, well read, media savvy, musically gifted, artistic, socially conscious, and I'm juuuust dramatic and ridiculous enough that I’m a hilarious storyteller. People have told me my whole life that I’m a goddamn delight. People I respect, even. I believe them. I'm not boring!

But I FEEL boring. I feel dull, and unengaged, and disconnected from everyone and everything. So I assume everyone feels the same about me. Oh, that Al is such a bore. Al can't even entertain herself. Even Al doesn't want to listen to her own boring thoughts, why would a poor therapist want to?

As for being pathetic, I feel like this whole trauma thing is a joke. Like, I feel as though I'm being a dramatic baby just clinging to slights from the past because they're the most interesting thing about me. A stronger person would just let it go and move on. Maybe I'm just desperate to be tortured and tragic so people will pity me. Maybe I need an excuse to be as much of a failure as I've ended up being. Maybe my trauma and the supposedly related mental illness is just my whole identity.

The thing is, though…before grad school, my mental illness was a huge part of my identity, but even then, I still saw myself as so much more. I was a musician, an artist, a writer, a scholar. A pet owner. After the four years of therapy I got in grad school, my mental illness became even less of my identity. I make a concerted effort to define myself by the things in my life I've controlled, not by the shitty things that happened to me due to others' malevolent or negligent actions.

So I don't think I'm like, deliberately clinging to trauma to be dark and mysterious or something, and yet…if I'm not deliberately holding on to my trauma, then why won't I just let it go? If I have the ability to drop the bowl of soup that's scalding my hands, why have I not done so? It's stupid and illogical to hold tightly onto that which causes pain, so if I won't let it go, then I must be stupid and illogical.

I've never been stupid and illogical, though. Multiple friends call me the most logical person they know.

So...maybe I CAN’T let go. Maybe I cannot move on.

But…I need to believe that some part of me wants to hold onto my trauma, and linger on it, and obsess over it, because being unable to let go is unacceptable. Unable to conquer my own emotions? Pathetic. I never even used to HAVE emotions, when did I get so weak as to be ruled by feelings?

No.

I refuse to be weak.

I have never been weak.

My father, and his mother, were very critical of me growing up. My grandmother wanted thin, pretty, feminine granddaughters and I've been short, fat, and butch my whole life. She showed heavy favoritism to my more appealing cousins. My dad resented that, but to him, the problem was that his kids didn't measure up, not that his mother was a bitch. So he pushed and pressured and criticized and even as young as 4 or 5 years old, I knew I needed to improve myself.

I embarked at that young age on a focused program of self-improvement, as ridiculous as that sounds for a child that small. I couldn't make my body into what my grandmother wanted, and wearing dresses and such made me feel like I was suffocating (and still does), but I knew I could improve myself in other ways.

I began to teach myself piano and dedicated myself to learning about music. I began to listen to the classical composers my grandmother liked and I'd read about the composers at the library to impress her with my knowledge. When she criticized me, and she did often, instead of letting myself become frustrated or upset at her frankly unfair commentary, I forced myself into cool neutrality. Proper young ladies don't show their anger, they stay calm and put together. Good granddaughters are quiet, attentive, and malleable, so I became those things. I learned baking, sewing, and gardening to please her.

I decided around age 8 that I needed to become stronger in other ways to make up for my ugly and Gross body and also so that my parents would give me the positive attention I craved instead of ignoring me. At that point, the only attention I was getting regularly was from the cousin who was sexually abusing me, and I also thought she'd treat me better if I were different. So, I decided I needed to be more stoic and reserved so my parents wouldn't know (and thus yell at me) when I got sick or when someone hurt me. I decided I needed to be less sensitive so that when my classmates bullied me, I could just brush it off. I thought I needed to be emotionally closed off so that I had fewer vulnerabilities people could exploit, for example, my cousin would use my emotions against me to manipulate me into doing what she wanted, and I thought if my feelings were a secret, she would have to be nicer to me overall to get me to cooperate. Finally, I decided I needed to become the truly strong, silent type instead of reacting emotionally like a child to all the traumatic shit that kept happening to me--in my mind, only children cried when they were scared or yelled when they were hurt or angry, and since being a child sucked for me, I decided I was ready to be an adult.

I started cutting myself at age 11 to train myself to withstand physical pain, thinking that if I could do that, then emotional pain wouldn't bother me as much. It worked ridiculously well. By cutting myself, I could turn emotional pain off immediately. Good riddance. When I cut myself, I felt focused and strong. I so rarely felt strong otherwise.

Being able to shut off all unpleasant feelings helped me "mature" quite young, and I focused on making myself stronger in all the ways I could. My asthmatic, stunted, malnourished, and neglected body wouldn't cooperate and become the thin, fit, healthy ballerina my father and grandmother wanted me to be, but I strengthened myself in every other way. I attacked every weakness in my character with precision and became the most mature, responsible, adult child possible.

Thus, by the time I was in high school, I had taken every characteristic that annoyed me in others or led to POTENTIAL harm and removed them from my personality. At 14, I kept my own schedule, did my own cleaning and laundry, cooked my own food, and scheduled my own appointments, and a few years later, did all my college tests and applications alone. I worked 20 hours a week starting on 9th grade, and from then on paid for my own clothes, school supplies, piano lessons, and college entrance fees. I was totally independent by age 16, depending only on my parents for shelter and utilities, which I did contribute to so I really just needed them to use their legal ages to pay bills.

I had no close friends until 2012, and confided only sparingly in my sister until 2016. Everyone liked this setup except me, but I didn't matter. When I felt like I was going to choke on all the secrets I was keeping, I started an anonymous online diary and told strangers the things no one in my life wanted to hear. This kept me from completely shutting down emotionally from 2001 until I could get therapy in 2015.

I was cutting myself 5 or 6 times a week as a high school student, but to me, that didn't matter. I didn't matter, per my parents, so my body didn't matter, and hurting my body to master my emotions was a good trade off to me. It let me be productive, even after being sexually abused for 5 years by my cousin, even after being neglected and abused by my parents and bullied by my peers, even after watching my aunt try to commit suicide in front of me, even after my dad was in jail, even after he was back and he threatened to burn the house down while we slept like my maternal grandmother tried to do when I was five. And so much more. Even after all that, self harm let me be productive. Being able to produce excellent schoolwork, musical genius, and clean sheets was more important than my body, my body had betrayed me from a very early age by being too fat, too short, too easy for others to abuse. Ten years after graduating high school, I was cutting myself multiple times daily, often deeply enough that I needed stitches. I was also bruising myself and breaking my own bones. But I still thought being productive mattered more than the “harm” I was doing to my body. Until my second year of grad school, I was able to just push all the trauma shit down inside with self harm and remain functional. I felt this was a solid coping mechanism. After all, I didn't drink or do drugs, I didn't harm animals or engage in any other criminal behavior. The only person I hurt was myself, and I didn't matter.

And I still feel that way today, honestly, 16 years since I graduated from high school. Being a productive person is more important than my feelings, and my inability to move past my trauma is a weakness in my character that needs to be excised with precision, the way I've excised so many other faults. But I can't, I can't move on, and now I'm stuck feeling bad about shit that's 10+ years old, all the time. Constantly. Just constant bad feelings that won't go away.

They won't go away, and I can't just turn them off anymore, either. Because in 2016, I started trying to quit self harm. And two years ago I stopped self-harming for 15 months straight, and now it doesn't work as a magical emotions-off button anymore. I cut myself now and I just feel guilty and gross, plus all the bad emotions I was already dealing with, instead of feeling strong and powerful and focused and empty.

So now I'm stuck in this place where I can't just get over my trauma and move on from the intense bad feelings, and I can't just turn the feelings off because cutting myself--my only real coping mechanism for these intense bad feelings--just compounds the intense bad feelings now instead of stopping them, so I'm stuck FEELING INTENSELY BAD CONSTANTLY WITH NO END IN SIGHT.

This leads me to conclude that I'm left with the truly unattractive option of actually processing the trauma to stop the constant bad feelings it's causing. Process the trauma, no more bad feelings. Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, gotta go through it.

It's such bullshit, though, because literally no one has sympathy when you're working through shit that happened 10 or 20 or 30 years ago and your life is consequently a disaster. They expect trauma to come out only in therapy and go neatly back in its box at the end of the session, but it doesn’t work like that. If I open a box of trauma, I then have to sort and organize that whole box. I can't just fit it tidily back into the box how it was before, and the box won’t just neatly shut again. All that trauma mess will be sitting out in the open until I can get it all put where it actually belongs, which means I gotta clear storage space and probably organize and sort my non-trauma mess to make room. And I don't know if I can commit to that kind of deep cleaning. I need to get a steady income, I need to do laundry and clean the cat boxes, and I need to clean the bathroom, and I need to cook, and I need to work 40 hours a week, I need to PRODUCE the stuff of life. The stuff that "matters" like paid bills and completed projects and met deadlines.

The need to be productive never stops, but working through my trauma may erode my ability to be productive even more than struggling to stay afloat in the ocean of my trauma has already eroded it. And then what? Who am I, if I'm not productive? What good am I?

But maybe there’s more to life than being productive. Strange idea, that. Maybe there's more than paying bills and meeting deadlines. Maybe there’s joy out there. Maybe there’s love. Maybe there's satisfaction in a job well done, instead of a sense of uunending panicked guilt about what's not yet done. Maybe there's a future that's actually…worth living. A future that's...good. Maybe there's 9 cats there. Maybe there's a grand piano and a kitchen with an island.

A future is intriguing, especially one worth living, but how do I get there from here? Can I? How do I get from "I'm drowning in an ocean of trauma" to "happy, living a worthwhile future with 9 cats and a grand piano and a kitchen with an island"?

What if I keep fighting to barely tread water here in the Trauma Ocean forever? I'll run out of energy and drown, eventually, well before I get to "forever". Treading water in this sense means going though the days like I am now, tired, burned out, empty. Exhausted. Productive, sure, but barely, and no joie de vivre. Nothing feels worth living for, but suicide is too cruel to my sister, so I keep going. Swimming in the Trauma Ocean is painful because there's no rest--I can't touch the bottom and I don't have a life vest--and so there's no escape from the bad feelings, it's just constant hurt and anger and sadness pulling me down.

Several months, maybe even a couple more years like this, with nothing changing and no escape from the constant pain, eventually it'll get too tiring to keep my head above water anymore and that’ll be it. I'll sink. I'll finally give up and kill myself, or just die of diabetes complications when it gets to hard to care for myself. Then I'll never have a chance to see this POTENTIALLY WORTHWHILE FUTURE with cats and a piano and a kitchen island that may exist out there for me.

So if I just give up immediately and stop trying to keep my head above the water of the Trauma Ocean now, I'll drown much sooner. Saves me some suffering, yeah. Still dead too young of something preventable, still no chance to live my nine-catted, fancy kitchen, Steinway grand piano dream.

I can’t just get out of this damn ocean, I covered that already, I'm good and trapped here in the Trauma Ocean by my own inability to move on. Can't get out of the Trauma Ocean, so I guess I'll just tread water here until I drown. I guess the nine cats and grand piano and kitchen island are out of reach after all.

Or, maybe I do something really ridiculously hard...and I just drain all the water out of the Trauma Ocean.

And if I keep struggling to keep my head above water while simultaneously working on draining the water out of the Trauma Ocean, then I might survive long enough for my feet to touch the bottom and then, maybe, I can stand up. Rest. Then, start walking. Walk into the future I've been told by friends and teachers and therapists that I deserve. Walk right into my happy future with nine cats and a grand piano and kitchen island.

Draining the water from Trauma Ocean removes the source of my suffering. I don't have to exhaust myself treading water forever if the water starts to go down. If the source of my pain--my Trauma--is managed, then my suffering will also be managed.

And that's why I need to process this fucking Trauma bullshit. Right now, I'm surviving, but I can't keep going forever, it's too exhausting being in this much pain constantly. I will survive, up until the exact moment I can't tread water anymore, and then it'll be too late to save myself. So, surviving isn't enough, I need to do more work to drain Trauma Ocean because I'll never be able to do anything but survive until my feet touch down on the ocean floor. And I want more than survival. After all the shit I've been through, I deserve a happy ending goddamn it, and if that means I have to go through and process every traumatic garbage memory I have, then I'm ready.

I am ready to do more than tread water and gasp for air. I'm ready for more than “well I guess I'm not dead yet.” I'm ready for more than the same pain and exhaustion I've been fighting for years.

I'm ready to feel the ground under my feet. I'm ready to stand up and start walking. I'm ready to finally get the Happy, joyful, loving, worthwhile, multi cat loving, grand piano owning, kitchen with an island having, good feelings-ful future I deserve.

I just need to drain this massive fucking ocean first.

No big deal, right? I've done harder, scarier things than that. it's just moving some water around.

I'll just take it one bucket at a time.

One drop at a time.

One molecule at a time, if that's what it takes.

#mental illness #self harm #child abuse #trauma #neglect #body image issues #al goes to therapy #cptsd #ptsd #long post #suicide #chronic illness #toxic positivity #toxic productivity

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wanderinglotus7 · 3 years

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The Legacy Continues

Well, I made it! I made it. There are three days left of 2020 until we roll into 2021. This year has been a game changer. Game changer doesn’t seen correct...life altering sounds better. My life drastically changed within the past month. Though these events threw me off my game, I recovered and bounced back even stronger. This speaks to my tremendous strength in the Lord & within myself. I continue to tell myself that the fortune teller I spoke with summer 2019 has been spot on y’all. August 2020 to now, adjust to my new life has been challenging, but I don’t regret my decision moving to Massachusetts. This decision is part of the life-course God has plan for me.

Yes, I miss my family. However, my experiences of attending Bridgewater College and traveling to Thailand has prepared me for this moment in my life. Because of covid I haven’t really been active in my new environment, but I try to take advantage of the opportunities I do have to explore my surroundings. Last week I took a nice walk and ended up exploring another part of Newton and almost ended up in the inner city of Boston (I think I walked about 8 miles in total). I took another walk into town and walked into HomeGoods on my way to Starbucks. Leaving and returning to Boston, I took the train and was able to get myself to and from the Logan airport. Small victories in my book! I am in no rush to try to experience everything all at once. I have around 4 to 5 years to embrace Boston as my new home. I already feel like it is anyway. This is my true testimony to see if I can really be responsible for myself. So far, I feel confident in achieving/excelling in this area of my life. My upbringing has prepared me, yet again, for the challenges of [young] adulthood.

I am getting ahead of myself. I have to rewind a bit give y’all an update. December 18th was the last day of classes and finals week. I have successfully finished my first semester of grad school!!! YEAH ME!!!!! I’m telling you the hard work paid off. I did have my moments of doubt and feelings of not being good enough. I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning trying to balance school, work, and my internship. On top of that, I am trying to balance a relationship along with working on my mental health. My mind & body is always on the go. No time for rest...actually there are moments of rest, but I chose not to rest instead. I have a bad habit of pushing through and bulldozing my way through my life. I don’t take the necessary time to be present and focus on what is in front of me. Sometimes, I get too focused on the future and forget to enjoy the present. I have been in this mode since mid October to the 18th. Midterms kicked me in the ass because that was around the same time I began working at chipotle. Even before Chipotle, I was falling behind on the readings and assignments for my classes. On the other hand, my internship with Amirah is not a stressor in my life because it is an experience that I am passionate about. I’m not bothered having to wake up early and end my days late when it comes to my internship because I am that committed. Being overwhelmed and stressed I passed all my midterms with good grades (all As and one B)! Then the unexpected happened...

October 29th at 11:18pm, I received a phone call from my mother informing me that my Grandmother Shirley unexpected passed away. I think they determined her cause of death was because of a heart attack. I’m not sure. Honestly, I don’t think I really want to know. I’m hoping she passed away peaceful. The news sent me into shock. I just couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. I just had a conversation with that previous Thursday or Saturday, and the conversation went so well. She was so proud of me. She was excited for me to be home for Christmas and all these other things. It’s not the same, but at least we were able to say “I love you” before she passed. Who would’ve known that would be the last time I will ever speak to her again. And this had to happen around the holidays and around the same time that Laura Mae (my great grandmother passed away). In less than three weeks, I received a phone call and text early in the morning from my Grandma Louise and my dad telling me that my granddaddy unexpectedly passed away too. Two grandparents removed from my life at the snap of the finger.

With help from my family, I was able to fly to Virginia for both funeral services. This time I said my final good-byes unlike with Laura Mae. I didn’t want to live with that guilt. Everyone has been very compassionate, understanding, and accommodating to my situation and has given me time to grieve & heal especially regarding BC, Amirah, & Chipotle. I missed a few classes and had to receive a few extensions on a couple of assignments. I pulled through the best way I could manage in my emotional state. My emotional state didn’t get any better dealing with my relationship during this time. Some of my boyfriend’s recent decisions added more unnecessary stress in my life. I was already stressed about me introducing him to my entire family because the timeline got rushed and I wasn’t for sure if I wanted him around while I’m going through a mental & emotional meltdown. At the end of the day, he wanted to be there for me to provide his live and support and I wasn’t going to deny him of doing so. It would’ve been selfish of me to tell him “No”. Everything happens for a reason. Instead of spending maybe two weeks together, my boyfriend and I spent basically all of November together bouncing between Gloucester and Woodstock. It sucked that it had to be under sad circumstances.

Decisions, decisions, decisions that is where my mind was at. Only a few individuals gave me the needed space to focus & process my emotions. From all angles I was being pressured to make some permanent decisions in which my mind was not in the right mind frame to be thinking. I did reach out and have been receiving counseling services from the university which has been helpful. I am in the process of searching for a therapist outside of the university for long-term treatment. Though I tell myself sometimes I feel like quitting, I decided to remain a full time student, declared my concentration, and completed my field placement application for 2021-2022 academic year. I’m on tract to graduating Spring 2022. Being blessed again, I was able to receive extensions on two of my finals and on my field placement assignments. I passed all my finals! I received all As and one B+. I ended the semester with a 3.6 GPA. Not too shabby (lol). I know my grandparents are very proud of me.

I’m proud of myself! I didn’t surrender and take the easy way out. I turned 24 on the 7th which is another milestone in my life. I was shown much love that exceeded my expectations. I spent the Christmas alone, but I made the best out of my situation & was still able to connect with my loved ones. Since the 18th I devoted my downtime, and overall winter break taking better care of myself. The last week I was home, I noticed that I’ve been severely neglecting myself and it was heavily damaging my well-being. I’m growing in setting and maintaining my boundaries, learning to be present with emotions & resting, being okay with saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it. The most important lesson is not overworking myself in every aspect of my life. I am no good to myself or others if I am completely burnt out.

I am praying that 2021 isn’t a continuation of this year. Yet, 2020 has not been all too horrible. I have been able to grow in so many ways that I am becoming a better individual. Most important, I’m continuing to learn how to be a better person for myself!

#personalgrowth

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jvncnt · 4 years

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𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐡𝐢 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨 , beautiful people ! my name is lenny ( 22 , she/her , mst ) & i’m absolutely hyped to be joining this amazing group ! it’s honestly been a hot minute since i last rped in a group , but i truly cannot resist anything that my bbys stephy & leia come up with so here i am ! i’m bringing you my boy jayden , a completely new muse , but i’m really excited to develop him here . pls bare with me if whatever is below the cut is a mess , that’s just representative of my permanent state rn sjkdlhfs but i wanna plot with each & every one of you , so pls hmu ! give this post a like or slide into my dms , or u can reach me via d*sc*rd @ lenny the pooh#3088 ! ily all already , can’t wait to be a part of this group ✨

* 𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐠𝐨𝐬 here and do i have the tea for you . jayden is back in bridgehampton for the summer , living off the vincent’s family $670 million net worth . must be nice to come back home to the hamptons , i wonder what his fellow class of 2017 grads think of his return . you know , he was known around town as the vainglorious and for bhs senior superlatives he was crowned as most likely to punch you in the face . i wonder if that still holds true today , a lot can change when you go off to pace university and study commercial dance . either way , i bet he is still very steadfast , assured , truculent and heedless . hopefully this time next year the plans to dance professionally come true . in the meantime , i look forward to seeing him blast cross me - ed sheeran , chance the rapper , & pnb rock at every hamptons function . it’s going to be a wild summer home , welcome back .

alright so i’ll just drop some bullet points here that’ll tell u all about jay !

( tw : mention of suicide , drugs )

his father is one of the most well-known boxers around , but not for anything great : he was a major heavyweight champ in his early days but shortly after jayden was born his mother committed suicide after a really difficult struggle with postpartum depression , which was not aided by her concern for her husband’s dangerous and demanding career — after that , everything sorta went downhill for jay’s father .

he was caught in one of the biggest drug busts in new york history and went to prison , leaving 10 year old jay in the hands of his paternal grandparents in the hamptons , who already were more like parents to him than his father would ever be .

his grandfather was a big time boxer in his day ( then worked as a mentor to some other big names until his retirement ) , and his son’s troubles disappointed him because he wanted the vincent legacy to live on , so he started mentoring jayden to reclaim the family name in the boxing world .

for a while things went well and jay was into the whole boxing thing , but his grandfather began to put more and more pressure on him as he grew older , along with everyone else around him — he was the star of bhs’ wrestling team and everyone envisioned him up on the big stage , giving creed a run for his money — but jayden couldn’t see it . he really wasn’t that into boxing . sure it gave him an excuse to punch shit and get his anger out , but that only goes so far until you begin to question the true meaning behind what you’re doing .

for jay , the only meaning he could see in pursuing a boxing career was to reclaim the vincent name that his father had tarnished all those years ago , as his grandfather wanted him to , but that moment of glory wasn’t enough to outweigh the lack of passion jay felt underneath every punch — not to mention how much he feared following in his father’s footsteps . he also wasn’t sure he wanted to give his father the satisfaction of reclaiming their throne .

so what was he going to do ? well , where his passion lacked in boxing , it absolutely thrived in dance . his grandmother founded a major dance studio in the hamptons and jay spent many evenings there while growing up . at first he just did homework in his grandmother’s office , but then he started snooping on classes out of boredom before he befriended one of the male teachers who convinced him to try out a class . and from there it kinda snowballed . his teacher turned into more of a mentor than his grandfather would ever be , and jay felt more excitement leading up to his dance classes than his boxing lessons .

his grandfather at first saw dance as a good way for jay to keep up his stamina and exercise in different ways , but then he started to notice the imbalance between his grandson’s passion for dance and for boxing and he grew frustrated . “ dancing’s not for vincent men , " he once told jay . “ grow some balls and throw some punches . ”

out of pure fear of his grandfather and disappointing him , jay continued to pursue his grandfather’s dreams for him and trained almost every day , but then he’d sneak away to late night dance sessions because he just couldn’t avoid how magnetized he was to a life of dance . the creativity , excitement , and pure fun held more meaning than boxing ever would for him , but it took him until high school graduation to properly admit that to himself .

his grandmother , the wonderful spitfire of a woman she is , sneakily led jay through the application process of every major dance academy across the states , even though her husband found no use in sending their future heavyweight champion grandson off to college . she’s always supported jay for every decision he’s made and wanted nothing but the best for him , whether it was boxing or dance or something completely different . she’s the source of all of his confidence , ambition , and determination .

it wasn’t until the acceptance letter came in the mail from pace university that jayden came clean to his grandfather . it was a messy , loud , stressful , emotional night , but his grandfather eventually realized there was no use in arguing or fighting — he raised jay to be strong , independent , and everything he wished his son had been , and he knew that when jay set his sights on something , he was going to do it no matter what .

WHEW ok now we come to the present : jay has been excelling in pace’s commercial dance program , his passion for dance blazing brighter than ever before , and he’s returned home to the hamptons every summer to visit his beloved grandparents . with his senior year coming up , he has already lined up several auditions for world tours and music videos and more to set his dance career in motion . he’s honestly looking forward to seeing his old bhs alumni over the summer and rubbing their noses in the success of his own future that he is writing .

as for a lil about his personality :

he’s well known as the vainglorious , aka excessively proud of oneself or one's achievements ; overly vain .

not to say he’s a bit of a dick but ... he’s a dick .

as much as he hates to admit it , he definitely inherited his father’s hotheadedness and his utter selfishness .

he has always been the kid who doesn’t just think he’s the shit , but is the shit . he’s cocky in an annoyingly charming way and flirted his way up every social ladder during high school .

being the star of the wrestling team also didn’t help to deflate his ego sdljkhf like he didn’t love boxing or wrestling , but he knew he was damn good at it and just likes being the best .

as for some positives about my boy !! he is a charmer and he’s always loved to have fun . he spent so much of his childhood and teen years training and working hard that when he gets free time , whew he revels in it .

working hard is in his blood and he just oozes determination and will be your biggest hype man because he’s a dick but he still wants to see everyone succeed ! he knows what it feels like to be passionate about something and wanting to chase your dreams , and he will help you chase those dreams !!!

a big ol’ flirt , but he’s not really a player . he’s never been one to sleep around or act like breaking hearts is a sport . he grew up really admiring his grandparents’ marriage , all while remembering the poor relationship he knows his parents had , and definitely is a bit of a romantic . but that’s not to say he isn’t down to have some fun either lol

UUHHHH I REALLY DK WHAT ELSE TO SAY !!!

like i said , he’s a work in progress so i’m sorry this isn’t more detailed or fancy , i’m truly just so excited to be here that i wanted to get this up asap !

if you'd like to take a look at the shitty pinterest board i made for him , you can find it right here ! you can ignore the extra sections on it , it's a recycled board from an old muse but i'm leaving the connection sections there in case any of the pins work with the plots i get going with u !

as for connections , i’m truly down for anything and everything !! which i know is sooo basic to say but i’m forreal . if you have some angst or drama you wanna throw my way , i am here for it ! i also pride myself on my ability to brainstorm fun plots , so don’t be afraid to reach out !

xo ily

#entitled:intro #this is going without a gif bc i still gotta edit rome's #but hello happy saturday #pls love me

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fiddlepickdouglas · 4 years

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This is a personal rant so you can scroll on if you like.

I'm an old college kid. Like, I could be done with grad school by now, but life just didn't go that way - I still have about 2 years as an undergrad. I know it looks ~meh~ to the outside world, no matter how often people say "life isn't a race, don't worry what they think!" Well, it also doesn't help that I had to move in with my parents at the start of quarantine and had trouble finding a good job until literally this past week (which I don't start until November). I'm the almost-30 year old mooch in my parent's basement right now, literally, and I know it's not a flattering position.

Things are improving: getting a job as a bank teller that has consistent hours, opportunities to move up, and I can easily plan a class schedule around it is a blessing and a miracle.

But I wish my family in general would acknowledge one particular thing and respect it, instead of treating it like they do. I've been unofficially aware that I have something that *looks a lot like* ADHD for at least the past two years. Like, I'm positive that's it, I just haven't been able to afford seeing a doctor to get an official diagnosis. Even if I'm wrong, it's clear that I'm neurodivergent - I've always been that way. I was definitely one of those "gifted" students when I was young who later had lots of academic problems later, but I can pinpoint those problems showing up as early as the second grade.

It isn't that my parents didn't really try, but they waited until I was in middle school, when puberty hit, to finally do something and everyone including the doctors just called it depression. The medication did a little work to make me seem normal, but I discovered quickly that my parents were only happy with the results if it seemed like I was an obedient child who didn't argue or question things and I spent less time in isolation.

This made me reluctant to go to doctors because I was afraid the meds were just another control tactic and not a real solution. So we stopped. I recently asked my mom why she didn't keep looking for answers, because I continued to struggle academically (among other things). She blamed it on my stubbornness. For her, it wasn't worth understanding how my brain functioned. She preferred to decide that I was just too hard for her to understand and the only way for me to please her was to force me to conform to her as much as she could.

As a neurodivergent person who lost their job and got displaced at the peak of COVID-19, living with an undertone of shame for being the adult child in my parent's home, and all the weight of things happening this year, needless to say I'm a bit of a mess and I have barely managed it.

So, to setup what's got me bothered today: I use an app to sell slightly used clothes, but I have a small mountain of clothes (organized, but it's still kind of a lot) that I need to sell and it's been taking up space. My parents have a whole freaking house plus other storage space on top of that, and they're getting bugged about these clothes not being sold fast enough. They're not just lying around the house, they're in an out-of-the way closet except for a few that I pulled out to take pictures of.

My mom goes through them - first mistake, since I've already told her several times to keep her paws off my things because she has a track record of just getting rid my stuff and disrespecting my privacy - and picks out all the things that still had tags on them and thinks the rest can just be donated. I'm glad she only got that far before I could tell her PLEASE DON'T. And then she offered to buy some of them off me and then donate them anyway because she doesn't want me to end up like my "packrat" grandmother.

She keeps acting like I'm attached to these clothes and that's why they don't sell fast enough. That's not even it! I've just collected junk over the years, or friends have dumped their old stuff and told me to do as I wish, and I want to make money off of them! I know how stingy my mom is with certain things, and I know she wouldn't pay me what I know some of those items are worth.

And then she says she thinks it'll just take up less space in my mind, as if she's being conscious of my ADHD (which she refuses to properly acknowledge and chooses to think I'm actually somewhere on the autism spectrum although she has no idea how to handle someone with autism either).

The amount of disrespect in this makes me want to scream. I'm not being given the chance to handle my own things and being treated like a child, my personal property is not safe, and I'm being mocked in such a backhanded way it's truly astounding.

And the whole thing about my grandma? I know she is an imperfect human like everyone else but she is the sweetest and most hard-working person I know and hearing her be reduced to a "packrat" is so insulting. No need to imagine why my grandma keeps things on hand even if it's too much? Her lifestyle is giving and creating - she always cooks 5x more than necessary because she hates to see people starve, she made me and my siblings pajamas for Christmas each year until her hands couldn't do it anymore, she made her home a beautiful place for us to go to whenever we could visit and it wasn't about looks, it was about warmth. When I'm old I want to be so much like her, and yeah I'm pissed that my mom, her daughter in law, thinks of her that way.

I grew up being controlled and subdued and pressured into a mere shadow of my potential and I won't tolerate having both myself and my hero being disrespected over something that to any other rational being wouldn't even be an annoyance. And I'm tired of having to constantly guard my things in fear that they will suddenly disappear one day with only a "oops" and a shrugs from my mother.

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

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daughterofelros · 4 years

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You guys, I have this friend that I’m so proud of.

We went to elementary school together, we stayed friends all through the “girls shouldn’t be friends with boys” peer pressure. I remember amazing days with this group of guy friends and I clambering over rock walls in rain-drenched spring forests and taking over the elementary school playground to have elaborate sci-fi/fantasy flavored adventures, weaving in and out of the kids who wanted to to traditional things on the slide, like I don’t know...slide? Instead of battle dragons and rescue the part of our group trapped in the highest tower.

We’ve kept in touch throughout the years, chat whenever we run into each other when visiting our home town. He was in NYC for awhile, now he’s out in LA, and he’s having such an amazing glow up. He’s working in a lot of web-based shows, some podcasts, great stuff. He donates his time off to volunteer with kids, and he’s an amazing teller of stories. It’s been a little surreal honestly.

Sometimes I’ll walk into the Center (I run a college and career center in two really amazing urban high schools) and I’ll see my kids watching his videos. My partners will bring me links to great things he’s doing like they’re magpies with shiny metal going “this is your friend, right? This is so cool!”

I tend to send him messages whenever cool stuff like that happens, because I feel like on every platform, negativity floats to the top and I don’t think he’s on most platforms in a way that the crap can bombard him. I assume it exists, I steer clear of mentions of it myself, because it doesn’t do good things to my brain to see my friends attacked by trolls who hate anything that leans toward social justice.

He’s the sweetest— he recorded a video for me that I can play for my kids if they’re trying to cut class and hang out in my center. I use it long before security does a sweep and the kids who are resistant to following school policies would get in trouble. I sit down with them, and remind them that if I have to tell them a third time to go to class, I get to play the video. They say fine, end up laughing at the video, and heading back to class, feeling seen because a semi-famous comedy person talked to them in a video where he addresses me by name, and that’s way better than a security guard challenging them.

And I’m just so, so happy that, since I’ve gotten back on tumblr, I keep seeing posts where people talk about how much it means to them to see positive representation of the LGBTQIA+ community in the content he creates, how wonderful his comedy is. I’m so glad that the work he does with his life is having positive impacts for people, and you better believe I send him updates on every set of positive comments, because in 2020 I am fiercely committed to sharing things that I like, not just things that activate negative thoughts and prompt us to share those pieces of content disproportionately.

(I do not share the RPF Fic that I have stumbled across. Right now, he’s still a degree of separation removed from any RPF fandom I’ve read or written in, so we’re good there. My brain knows not to poke it. And honestly, I’m well-trained to not get weirded out my RPF of people I know in passing, so this is just one extra level of closeness.

Because seriously. I grew up in a weird, tiny town where I’d bump into famous actors on the street, and they’d tease me about my life choices. I held an Oscar when I was seven, because my father, who owned the town deli and knew everyone’s coffee and breakfast sandwich order, asked the winner of said Oscar if he could borrow it so my Mom could give a presentation to her grad school class about the modeling software they had used to predict the Oscar winners that year. Guys would talk about being in production meetings for The Godfather and people thinking the idea was crap. A famous actor’s tax return was misdelivered to my grandmother, so she drove it over to him the next day and he thanked her with tickets to his broadway show.

Famous sommeliers and four-star restauranteurs and producers live in town and like to give asshole tourists shitty country directions that take them on a nine mile loop past the tree with the owl on the Saunders farm if the tourists are being shitty to locals (all to get to a destination 1/4 mile away around the next curve in the road). Brad Pitt yelled at my parents for selling the story that he was in town for a few days, and my father calmly pointed out that the nice guy Brad had been chatting with over breakfast the day before was in fact the editor of the paper from the city across the river. Brad had disclosed his location himself.

One of the actors who came in to help stage student-written productions for the drama club in high school is an Oscar-winner now. It was weird to see her in a red carpet gown because I’ve never seen her wear anything other than baggy black sweatpants.

My Mom ran into Daniel Craig in the supermarket a few months back. She gave him advice on canned soup. She had no idea that the pleasant lady with him was Rachel Weisz. She likes movies Rachel Weisz is in, and it still didn’t register to her. She did make note the one time Katherine Hepburn came into the deli though.

My grandpa smoked weed with Willie Nelson when he came through town and stopped at one of the only other restaurants there- only celebrity he ever bothered getting out of bed for. I have a ceramic rabbit collection that belonged to my Uncle Gene and Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob wrote the book that the Chucky movies are based on. I have a collection of small rabbit figurines from the household of the man who created Chucky.

Another famous actor made me a coat rack when I was born, because he was in a wood-working phase. It’s mint green, there are cows on it, and the pegs kept falling out.

Another guys from the group of friends would routinely come home to find Steve Buscemi in his living room. His Mom was Steve’s preferred seamstress when he needed something altered.

It’s a weird life. And still, I’m the most proud of my friend. )

#the personal blog post i never write #personal

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luminous-studiess · 5 years

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Hey! I am an English lit undergrad currently thinking about what I want to do after ug, and I'm trying to decide between grad school for literature, law school, or getting a job in writing or something similar. Can I ask what made you want to change fields after completing undergrad in literature to law? Sorry if you've answered something similar, I'm v new to your blog and you're like the only person I've found who did literature and now does law haha thanks in advance ^.^

hello!!!! thank you so so much for the question i feel so strongly about this and ask myself the same thing everyday. so yeah. long, long answer warning.

honestly, it wasn’t so much as changing fields as it was.... honestly the general plan??? just moving towards law school in the first place. my mom and dad are both lawyers. many of the people on my dad’s side are lawyers. my maternal grandfather is a lawyer, and my grandmother was a judge. WHILE THAT SHOULD NEVER BE A REASON TO ENTER LAW (ever), and my family never pressured me (yeah in fact they’re telling me it’s ok to quit because i’m profoundly miserable right now HAHA), i thought it was the most natural life plan?but yeah. after a few years in lit, i was also already questioning that direction. i only filed for an exam ticket on the last day of registration, when it had been open for months. on the other hand, my thesis adviser told me that i was very, very suited to the academe, and should take a masters abroad. i was torn.i decided to take the test, and try to see what would happen. i did take a review class because i wanted a fair chance, at least. i passed. i took the interview, i passed. as a very fatalistic person, i thought this was a sign that i should at least try.in law school, i still ask myself why i do this, when i do (frankly) terribly. i remember one of my earliest reasons, which i shared to my block on the first day of class--literature is wonderful and life-changing and magnificent, but all these words on their own -- however transformative -- cannot in itself effect change for the most part. to quote a wonderful poet-friend whom i knew in the department who is now ALSO in the same law school, “literature cannot save the world”. and for me, who wants to at least help in some way, i thought that i could create some form of change, most in the legal field. at the same time, i knew that such change CAN be created in the academe, in teaching, in publishing, but with my personal skills, i thought i could try here first.and i am trying. this is wildly different from literature. frankly, i suck. my work ethic sucks. but i’m finding a form of passion and drive which i never thought could be possible. honestly, the study of law is so, so different from what i thought it would be, and while i miss literature and may find myself doing something in it someday, for now, i still find myself strangely drawn into law.i also rationalized that literature and art are my passion, but the legal field is something i know that could also support me financially and professionally, so i have the means to do what i love on the side. it’s a little cynical, but i find law dynamic and fascinating enough to stay for now. it’s a hard choice. the lifestyles are so, so different, but honestly? this is one of these things where you have to evaluate your skills, your opportunity, and your heart. i suggest going for a lot of opportunities (applications, talking to mentors/ professors, scholarships) in every direction, and see where they take you. good luck. i’m really rooting for you. omg update me if you ever decide i’m so intrigued!!!!!!

#law advice #ask #anon #the transition from literature to law #was so so so ugly #but honestly #you will know that you want it when you go through the storm #BUT TRY EVERYTHING ANON YOURE YOUNG UR FUTURE IS BRIGHT #you will know i promise #you can do this!!!!

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ofkelsi · 5 years

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[ natalia dyer, twenty-three, cisfemale, she/her ] ━ did y'all see [ kelsi phillips ] walkin’ into [ galaxy drive in? ] they’ve lived in frostford for [ twenty years, ] and you can catch ‘em around town working as a [ kindergarten teacher ]. I reckon they’re pretty [ benevolent & nurturing ] but I hear they can also be kinda [ impatient & rambunctious. ] if ya see ‘em around, be sure to say hi. ━ [ car accident, nightmares. ]

CHILDHOOD years --

kelsi anne phillips was born on october 31st 1995 to faye allen and seth phillips. seth was born and raised in frostford until he turned seven and his dad got a job out of state in texas--which happened to be a great move because he met faye at their new church.

best friends since they met, faye and seth finished high school and moved to college station, texas where they both attended texas a&m university. faye had taken a year off before going to college to be with their newborn baby girl and get their apartment all settled.

kelsi anne spent the beginning of her childhood either in a classroom where her mama was learning or at the old woman next door’s apartment while both her parents were at class or at their jobs. she doesn’t remember much from these years, but the smell of snickerdoodles always remind her of baking with the woman next door.

( CAR ACCIDENT TW ) when she was three going on four, her parents and her were in the car on the way back to houston to visit their parents when tragedy struck. their car was hit head on by someone who ran a red light. young kelsi suffered minor scarring and a wrist fracture, but both of her parents died due to injuries from the collision. ( END TW )

custody of kelsi was given to seth’s parents ( susanna & darwin phillips ) as her mother’s parents ( elaine & sean allen ) were still raising three children of their own ( her aunts & uncle -- the youngest of which is three years older than kelsi ). soon after, the phillips’ moved back to frostford with their granddaughter. -- kelsi kept in touch with her mother’s parents over the years and often visited them on major holidays with her grandparents.

the first few months were rough, however the next year once kelsi started kindergarten things opened up. she was a pretty happy kid. i’d describe her as that kid who hated seeing people upset and would do something to see them smile. like go to the flower shop and pick up a flower for them and leave it anonymously on their locker the next day just bc she wanted to see people happy.

was a sporty kid, played softball and soccer. she was on teams in elementary school, except once it got more competitive her grandmother had to talk her out of going out for the team.

kelsi is very competitive and like even at a young age was that #alot to handle. like, she still needs to check herself even playing board games because she will like get all amped up and ready to go.

oftentimes she was told to sit still in class. would be found tapping her foot on the floor or clicking her pen. she’s just antsy and needs to fidget a lot of the time. she’s gotten better at that ( once again, it has to do with being older ) but she never uses pens with caps just because she prefers the clicky pens.

TEENAGE years --

once she got into middle school kelsi was focusing more on academics. she’d always been good with school work, but her focus was always popping into several different places. she’d often be found reading outside books in classes or working on the nights homework at her desk.

she also started becoming more and more opinionated around these years as well ( late middle school - high school ). kelsi isn’t afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself or others.

once punched lance mccallum in the face after he grabbed her ass during the party homecoming weekend her freshman year of high school. except, most people only remember the fact that she punched him, not what led up to it.

involved in peer tutoring programs throughout high school. it was also a way to help her make money once she got old enough to do it outside of the after school program.

part of me says she gives off student body president vibes but i also know she would not cope well with that pressure because she’d want to please everybody and know it’s not possible. so she was probably just like one of those popular smart kids.

was part of a lot of after school activities, simply because she liked being busy. but she’s also restless so sometimes she’d leave meetings for the clubs in the middle of it. it was nothing personal, she just needed to be up and on her feet doing something else with her attention span. but she always apologized after the fact.

( NIGHTMARE TW ) she started having really bad nightmares around the middle of high school. she’d always had nightmares, bad ones, even as a kid but for some reason they got worse over the years and several times in high school she woke her grandparents up with her nightmares. which she always felt guilty about but they always told her it wasn’t an issue. ( END TW )

CURRENT(ISH) years --

kelsi was really torn about going away to college or going somewhere close to home. in the end, her choice was made for her based on the program she wanted and she went to ‘bama to pursue childhood education.

she wound up commuting a lot of weekends and coming home often, so it wasn’t even like she was really gone. there was a gap during her sophomore/junior year where she wasn’t home a bunch and that would be due to her breakup with her then boyfriend. she just didn’t want to be around town as much and see him around. ofc, she got over that and has since powered through ( i mean, she’s back here obviously ).

kelsi went for a five year program, immediately going to graduate school after her college graduation in order to get her teaching certificate. she’s certified in early childhood/childhood education ( pre-k through 6th grade ).

during college kelsi was living in an apartment with a couple of friends, splitting the rent on the place a couple of ways was easier. plus, she had tried living on campus her first semester and had an awful experience so she made some friends and wound up living with them the rest of her time there.

she’s got her first teaching job this year at the elementary school. she taught before, but as a co-teacher while she was going to grad school. this is her first year in charge of her own classroom and she’s excited as heck to be working with kindergartners. she loves those tiny tots so freakin much!

her favorite place has always been the drive in, just bc she loves movies a lot. plus, the drive in is much better than sitting in a movie theater and she will go to the mat on that opinion any day.

her grandparents retired and moved to a small retirement community/senior center area not too far from town. and they gave their house to kelsi, since she’s their only grandchild and they could afford to continue paying for the house utilities as well as their new place.

she’s got a year old mini goldendoodle named smee and he’s the light of her life. she has a picture of him on her desk in the classroom.

CONNECTIONS --

i do not yet have a connections page for kelsi but here’s some ideas

a best friend/ride or die that they’ve been friends since they were kiddos and they just really *clutches heart* love and support each other in every aspect of life.

maybe some cousins or something from town! i think the phillips fam has been in frostford for a while in my mind, there’s a chance she’s got some fam in town.

she’s friendly so she’d probably have a lot of good friends and stuff.

an unlikely duo which would be fun. it would probably be someone who’s a bit harsher than kelsi is. she’s got her moments, but she’s an all around happier person so someone who balances her out in that aspect.

a first kiss/childhood crush maybe?

plots with her coworkers at the elementary/middle school

friends turned to enemies & enemies turned to friends

like this or message me for plots okay ily thanks for reading this bye

#ت ━━ out of char ❜#car accident tw #death tw #nightmares tw #frostfordintro

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