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howaminotinthestrokesyet · 3 years

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Wherever They May Roam: Dave Mustaine

Dave Mustaine was born on September 13, 1961 in La Mesa, California. His heritage is that of German, Jewish, Irish, Finnish, and Scottish. His family also were practicing Jehovah’s Witnesses. His childhood growing up emerged as a very difficult one as his father embodied a violent alcoholic. His father and mother would divorce when he was only four years old. Mustaine had two sisters that were so much older than him that he thought of his siblings more as aunts. In high school, Mustaine began to use hard drugs very early, eventually working as a drug dealer. Through his customers, he began to learn about British metal bands like Judas Priest. He even had one client that would pay for his drugs with record albums. His first band emerged with Panic in the very early 1980’s. This was a very short lived group as the drummer and one of their sound techs died on the night of their second show. The band slowly started to disintegrate with the final straw being that the rhythm guitarist also died within a year. They never made any official recordings, nor a demo.

In 1981, Mustaine responded to an ad posted in a local newspaper The Recycler from Lars Ulrich seeking a lead guitarist for a new band. The guitarist recalls his first meeting with Ulrich and James Hetfield. "I was in the room warming up and I walked out and asked, 'Well, am I gonna audition or what?', and they said, 'No, you've got the job.' I couldn't believe how easy it had been and suggested that we get some beer to celebrate." They began to record their first album Kill ‘Em All in 1983, but problems had immediately come to the surface related to Mustaine’s membership in the band. Brian Slagel of Metal Blade Records recalls the recording of that album. “Dave was an incredibly talented guy but he also had an incredibly large problem with alcohol and drugs. He'd get wasted and become a real crazy person, a raging megalomaniac, and the other guys just couldn't deal with that after a while. I mean, they all drank of course, but Dave drank more… much more. I could see they were beginning to get fed up of seeing Dave drunk out of his mind all the time." The first time he was fired from the band came after he brought a dog to a recording. The dog jumped on the car of bassist Ron McGovney causing the paint job to be damaged. James Hetfield upon seeing this kicked the dog in a fit of anger, which led to a huge altercation with Mustaine. After the initial termination, he begged the other members to let him back into the group. They did grant him this request, so his firing was canceled. Another incident occurred when Mustaine poured beer into McGovney’s bass guitar, who was unaware when he began to plug it in. He then received a tremendous electric shock leading to him kicking both Mustaine and James Hetfield out of his house. The bass player would leave Metallica shortly after that. In April 1983, the group traveled to New York to record their debut album, but upon arrival they decided to officially fire Dave Mustaine from the group. They cited the reasons of alcohol and drug abuse, aggressive behavior, too many altercations. The band drove him to the Port Authority bus terminal and put the former Metalica guitarist on one back to California. The amount of collaboration Mustaine had with the band in those early days has always been a debate between the current Metalica and him. He would co-write four songs on Kill ‘Em All, as well as two more songs from Ride the Lightning. The songwriter has unsuccessfully contended that he also helped with “Leper Messiah” from Master of Puppets. Upon returning to San Francisco, he worked very briefly as a telemarketer, would leave this job upon earning enough money to get an apartment in Los Angeles. Mustaine would start a very short lived group called Fallen Angels with two of his coworkers from that telemarketing job. The group never played a live show or recorded anything as Mustaine later commented on the group. “We lacked the chemistry, the energy, the spark—or whatever you want to call it—that gives a band life in its infancy."

The guitarist would soon befriend a neighbor living a floor below his apartment that first began as a confrontation. His name was Dave Ellefson, who would soon join Mustaine‘s new lineup for what would become Megadeth. Originally, he was still utilizing the name from his previous effort, Fallen Angels. He had wanted any group that he played with now to present more thought provoking lyrics and a more precise, intense brand of metal music. A drummer Lee Rausch and guitarist Kerry King would join this initial lineup only to be replaced by Gar Samuelson and Chris Polish respectively. In the case of King, he went back to his original group, Slayer. Megadeth's debut album would be released in 1985 on Combat Records entitled Killing Is My Business. The group received a great amount of buzz that by the time they recorded the second album the band had signed to a major label, Capitol Records. The second album, Peace Sells, But Who’s Buying would go on to become a thrash metal classic earning gold record status. Throughout the 1980’s and early 1990’s, the only two members to be a constant with the band were Mustaine and Dave Ellefson. Other members of the group consistently changed from album to album as Mustaine’s addictions to drugs and alcohol only got worse. He would finally quit drugs and alcohol in the late 1990’s permanently. The amazing thing was despite these addictions, the band led by Mustaine in writing all the songs made mostly quality albums like 1992's Countdown to Extinction, 1994's Youthanasia, and 1997's Cryptic Writings. The only one that was really perceived as a mediocre effort came in 1988 with So Far So Good So What. This would be followed by Rust in Peace, which represented a record that made people think that Mustaine was finally clean and sober. Unfortunately, he would use the rest of the decade to struggle with those demons.

In 2002, the guitarist briefly disbanded Megadeth after a serious arm injury caused him to rethink how he would even be able to play in the future. He was able to successfully rehab from this injury, so the band went on, but with an entirely new lineup. This meant that long time collaborator Dave Ellefson was asked to leave the group. He would not return to Megadeth until 2010. Dave’s reasoning at the time was that he asked too much for his own songs to be played. “I hated being around these guys so when the arm injury happened, it was a welcome relief and an indication that I had to stop." In 2003, Mustaine also turned to Christianity. He began to look at other areas besides the beliefs held by Jehovah’s Witnesses. His description of this transformation was described in a way only Mustaine could possibly describe. “Looking up at the cross, I said six simple words, 'What have I got to lose?' Afterwards my whole life has changed. It's been hard, but I wouldn't change it for anything. Rather go my whole life believing that there is a God and find out there isn't than live my whole life thinking there isn't a God and then find out, when I die, that there is." As had always been the case with the band, Megadeth would release a new album every 2 to 3 years almost like clockwork. In 2010, Mustaine would release his autobiography entitled A Life in Metal. By this time, the war with former bandmates in Metallica began to thaw a bit. He would play five songs with the band at their 30th anniversary concert. A year later they would all tour together as part of the Big Four tour including Anthrax and Slayer as well. Surprisingly, the guitarist has been happily married since 1991 with a son and a daughter. More recently, health issues have come to the forefront including spinal stenosis which he claims was from years of headbanging. In 2019, Mustaine was diagnosed with throat cancer, but he says now that he is cancer free. One thing overall that has always concerned Mustaine is his legacy and place in the history of heavy metal guitarists. He has always been supremely confident in his ability as he noted in this interview. “To be the No. 1 rated guitar player in the world is a gift from God and I'm stoked about it…” In 2009, he gave an interview to Classic Rock Magazine that revealed this telling insight into the man. Mustaine was talking about learning he had been named the number one heavy metal guitarist ever in a book by Joel McIver. “It was especially sweet when I found out that Joel has written books on Metallica. Every page I turned, I became more excited. I get to Number 5 and it's Kirk Hammett, and I thought, 'Thank you, God'. At that point it didn't matter [which position I was]. To be better than both of them [James Hetfield and Hammett] meant so much – it's been one of the pet peeves of my career and I've never known how to deal with it. All I thought was – I win!" Upon reading this statement, one could partially see why Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield did not want him in the group.

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beloved-not-broken · 2 years

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CONTENT WARNING: This post discusses the Columbine High School massacre and the enduring legacy of Rachel Scott and Cassie Bernall.

"Would you say 'yes'?"

If you were a kid in the early 2000s, you probably jammed to "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk, read books about famous martyrs, and knew exactly what to say if someone asked you if you believed in God.

But the obsession with martyrdom wasn't just the Christian youth culture of the 2000s—it was a direct response to the Columbine High School massacre in 1999.

Let's talk about it.

For context, the Columbine High School massacre was one of the first and deadliest mass school shootings in the U.S.

To say that it rocked the nation was an understatement; parents and the general public blamed everything from rock music to violent video games for the senseless act of violence. And more than 20 years later, filmmakers are still producing content inspired by what happened at Columbine.

But what we're going to be discussing is the legacy of the so-called martyrs, Rachel Scott and Cassie Bernall.

The story goes that the perpetrators confronted Cassie about whether she believed in God. When she said "yes," they killed her. However, investigators discovered that the perpetrators had asked Valeen Schnurr about her beliefs but let her live. And she and other survivors like Emily Wyant had debunked the martyrdom story from the get-go.

Nevertheless, Cassie and Rachel, both Christians, were praised as martyrs by peers and pastors alike.

The so-called martyrdom of Rachel and Cassie left a lasting impression on their communities and the nation.

Here are just some of those effects:

Many young people "stepped up their relationship with God" in the weeks following the mass shooting, according to a youth pastor interviewed by the Washington Post.

Christian musicians wrote songs about Cassie, Rachel, and the concept of being martyred for Christ (which we'll explore later in this post).

Christians at large took the story of their martyrdom to heart and circulated it, leading many young people to develop a "Christ-sanctified death wish," as Washington Post reporter Hanna Rosin stated.

And here are some of the best-selling books in the years following the Columbine High School massacre:

She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martyrdom of Cassie Bernall (2000) by Misty Bernall, Cassie's mother

This Is Your Time: Make Every Moment Count (2000) by Michael W. Smith

Chain Reaction: A Call To Compassionate Revolution (2001) by Darrell Scott, Rachel's father

Live Like a Jesus Freak: Spend Today as if it Were Your Last (2001) by DC Talk

Rachel Smiles: The Spiritual Legacy of Columbine Martyr Rachel Scott (2008) by Darrell Scott

Columbine (2010) by Dave Cullen

It's Worth It: 21-Day Devotional (2017) by Masey McLain, the actress who played Rachel Scott in the 2016 Pure Flix drama I'm Not Ashamed

Music sticks with us, for better and for worse.

In the aftermath of the Columbine High School massacre, several Christian musicians released songs about that were inspired by the events of Columbine:

"Jesus Freak" by DC Talk (1995) was released four years before the Columbine High School massacre, but it hints at the tension between contemporary Christian and secular culture and the potential cost of following Jesus

"This Is Your Time" by Michael W. Smith (1999), "Cassie" by Flyleaf (2005), and "I'm Not Ashamed" by Jeremy Camp (2010) talk about Cassie and Rachel dying for their faith

"Tell the World" by Hillsong UNITED (2005) doesn't speak about the Columbine High School massacre specifically, but it does talk about taking a stand for Christ "if it's all I do"

"Cassie," in particular, inspired me to write about this topic. This song was my jam as a teenager, and I still know all the lyrics despite the fact that I haven't listened to it in a decade.

But now that I know what really happened at Columbine, I'm conflicted about these songs.

Do they describe the potential cost of being a modern-day disciple, as Jesus described in Luke 14:25-33? Yes.

Do they tell a story that conflicts with the facts? Also yes.

Did they contribute to the martyrdom hysteria of the early 2000s? Yes.

Can we appreciate their attempts to encourage young people to commit to their faith? Also yes.

The stories we tell ourselves matter

In researching sources for this post, I came to realize that history isn't an objective timeline of chronological events; history is a narrative shaped by the people who create it.

And when it comes to the Columbine High School massacre, the "history" was told by...

grieving parents and friends who were attempting to come to terms with their loved ones' tragic deaths

young Christians who likely felt ostracized because of their faith and wanted their struggles to matter

religious leaders who were certainly concerned about the decline of Christianity in America

As Washington Post reporter Hanna Rosin so poignantly stated, "In questions of death and faith, it's the power of the story that counts, the tale that helps the mind grasp the unfathomable."

#cw school shootings #columbine high school massacre #let's talk about it #martyrdom #growing up evangelical #Spotify

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Val Kilmer Documentary Punctures the Actor’s Bad Boy Myth

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Leo Scott and Ting Poo’s new documentary feature, Val, is not a mortality play. It is a rehearsal for an upcoming act. During a tour of his one-man stage show, Citizen Twain, Val Kilmer was diagnosed with throat cancer. The actor underwent two tracheostomies, and now can only speak while covering a tube. The narration of the new film is thus done by his son Jack Kilmer, allowing the pair to share a non-verbal connection throughout the journey, and through time and expression itself. While there are flourishes of humor, the documentary is a serious study of an artist who has always struggled to be understood, told through the selective memory of Kilmer’s POV.

“I’ve wanted to tell a story about acting for a very long time,” Kilmer says toward the beginning of the documentary. “And now that it’s difficult to speak, I want to tell my story more than ever.” Kilmer is an artist, one who takes his vocation very seriously and introspectively. An actor’s voice is more than a tool, it is their primary source of communication. Non-verbal exchanges are important, but dialogue is the primary idea delivery system in staged and filmed works. Surgical procedures have split his throat, shredding the scope of his instrument. In the film, Kilmer is forced to project his story on the empty space between the notes.

Among Kilmer’s many defining roles, the one which appears to ring truest is his encapsulation of Jim Morrison, the poet and lead vocalist of the Doors in Oliver Stone’s 1991 biopic, The Doors. The young Kilmer is shown onstage in a small club, lost in the music, awaiting his cue to become one with the mic. Moments in Kilmer’s personal history, like how the actor was tagged with a “difficult” label, are consigned to rests. The most overt reference to Kilmer’s “bad boy” reputation comes from Robert Downey Jr., who smashes the notoriety to bits in a moment of impromptu dismissal.

There is no gossip here. There is no discussion of A-list-bad behavior. Kilmer sees it all as artistic license. He was searching for honesty, he remembers. Choices like lying on top of a mattress filled with ice in order to feel a real pain during his last scene with Kurt Russell in Tombstone come across as perfectly valid. Kilmer is still bitter over spending four months learning to play guitar for Top Secret!, and his first note informs him the director thinks he looks funnier faking it. There is little evidence of unprofessionalism, only growing pains.

The bulk of Val comes from clips of 8mm home video footage Kilmer has been shooting most of his life. “I’ve kept everything, and it’s been sitting in boxes for years,” Kilmer informs us. The archive was intended to tell a story about “where you end and the acting begins.” We are gifted with moon shots of both Kevin Bacon and Sean Penn, which have nothing to do with the films Apollo 13 or The First.

Early self-directed screen tests provoke a series of what-ifs. A tortuous encapsulation of a Juilliard acting class is a lesson in what-nots. Val’s hand-held approach to The Island of Dr. Moreau is a highlight. The actor respectfully rocks his co-star and idol, Marlon Brando, on a hammock they both wish was strung to John Frankenheimer. Please turn off the camera, the film’s replacement director demands. But Kilmer only hits pause when it’s time to rehearse.

The behind-the-scenes camcorder footage from sets of Top Gun, Tombstone, and The Doors are treasure troves in themselves, and possibly underused. Most of the audience will be very interested in the candid youth and truth recorded over his career. Val uses the archival clips and unearthed b-roll to establish a chronology.

Many videos were made at home in Los Angeles with Kilmer’s younger brother Wesley, who had an epileptic seizure and drowned at age 15. His death casts a mournful pall following the news that Val was the youngest applicant ever accepted as a drama student at Juilliard. Kilmer calls his brother “an artistic genius,” and one of the most revealing things to come out of the documentary is how often Kilmer used this brother’s art to augment the backgrounds of the sets he is living through on film.

Seeing how Stone speaks about Kilmer now makes me wonder if Val would have been able to put in the same performances in his movies if he knew it at the time. In his audition tapes for Full Metal Jacket and Goodfellas, we see an actor who needs to be taken seriously. He flies 6,000 miles to hand deliver his tape to Stanley Kubrick in London.

While he makes no comment, footage reveals Kilmer’s favorite Batman was played by Adam West. “Every boy wants to be Batman,” we hear, and see the Caped Crusader in every era of Kilmer’s life. A short, animated film he and his brother made with what looks like crayon is a Batman spoof. He still glories in the moment he got deposited behind the classic TV series’ iconic wheels as a youngster visiting the lot. It appears Kilmer still can’t pass a grocery store Batmobile without feeding it quarters. He wears the classic blue Halloween ensemble expecting tricks and treats as a kid, and as a daddy with his kids.

Don’t expect to see Kilmer wearing his cinematic puffed rubber suit at home, and it’s not because he left it at the dry cleaners. Footage old and new, homemade or professionally recorded, presents the Batsuit as an albatross. Heavy rests the cowl. He has to be lifted from chairs, deposited on marks, and his only identifying feature on the set of Batman Forever is a chin and bottom lip. Anyone could have been behind the mask, and the human superhero envied the subhuman villains. Kilmer comes across as quite happy Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones are able to create fully formed performance art in their portrayals. But he wanted to play with those toys.

“Batman Forever,” Kilmer laments, “whatever boyish excitement I had going in was crushed by the reality of the Batsuit. I realized it was just my job to show up and stand where they told me.” As the captured past footage is juxtaposed with modern sequences, we get an unfiltered glimpse of how little this has changed. The sequence of Kilmer at the Comic-Con autograph booth is wrenching. He initially didn’t want to take the part of Iceman in Top Gun because he felt it glorified the military. So many fans ask him to sign “You can be my wingman” on their souvenirs. It turns his stomach. He throws up in a garbage can and wheeled through hallways with a blanket over his head. Trouper that he is, he returns to the booth to finish out the signatures.

Kilmer blurred himself into the role of Mark Twain. There is a beautiful sequence where the actor walks through town to the beach, in full stage makeup, dressed in the signature white suit and long mustache of his character. It is extremely telling when Kilmer tells the camera it’s hard enough writing a good screenplay, much less a great one, which itself doesn’t even match what he feels he needs to bring to a script of a film version of Citizen Twain. Kilmer sold his ranch in New Mexico to finance the project. The documentary only captures some of the frustrations.

Most of the anecdotes are guarded, and all the admissions are part of a subjective narrative. Kilmer’s arc has rough edges, these tales are too smooth, and leave little room for impressionistic interpretation. Kilmer met his former wife, Joanne Whalley, when she was starring in a West End play directed by Danny Boyle, but he didn’t approach her.

“She was brilliant, and I was in town making fluff,” Kilmer concedes. It’s all about the art, even appearances. The documentary hints that Kilmer’s dedication to character did the most damage to their relationship. Wearing the same pair of leather pants for nine months could almost be on the books as probable cause for divorce in Hollywood.

Similarly, Kilmer’s Christian Science upbringing is brought up, and dropped. There is a loving but ambiguous undertone to Kilmer’s relationship with his once-rich-and-powerful father, who put his son in debt after trying to become a southern California land tycoon. But a sequence on his Swedish mother which juxtaposes a car ride he took with her when he was a child with one of being driven to her funeral speaks volumes without words.

Val is about the next step. “What’s past is prologue” William Shakespeare wrote in The Tempest. Kilmer pondered the “too, too solid flesh” while rehearsing Hamlet, and the documentary opens after the actor faced his own mortality. Kilmer swears he feels better than he sounds and, while he finds little to regret in his memories, he expects less in the ones he has yet to create.

Val can be seen on Amazon Prime Video.

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skyeofloxlay · 3 years

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Personality / Brief history / important things about MC / Reader for my fanfics or when I make requests.

Okay, I decided to do this more for myself when I make a request to someone, but this is also useful to let you know a little more about the MC / "reader" of my fanfics.

The MC is a cis-woman of almost 1.60cm in height, (age may vary) but generally the age will be between 20 and 23. She is heterosexual/straight (I don't know if there is a difference between the two things, but I don't understand why I would have two words for the same thing) and usually in fanfics she has never had a boyfriend before the character she will be together with (be it Jake (Duskwood), Jason (Todd), Spencer (Reid) or any other character).

She was born in Brazil and lived a large part of her life there, and depending on what story she is in, she makes an interchange trip abroad because of college, and because of that she lives far from her family and lives alone, but she has her faithful companion, a male Schnauzer dog (his name in fanfics is undetermined.)

MC has always been a lonely person, because after several events in the past she does not trust people easily, and the only people she does trust are her family, but she still has trouble talking about her problems to them.

Furthermore, MC is a very shy, introverted, anti-social person and suffers from social phobia, which of course, is a perfect combo to be an alien in society and not be able to make friends, even if she wants to.

MC also doesn't know where it all started from, but she does know that she has probably suffered from anxiety for many, many years, even though she only discovered it a short time ago, and went to get help even less time ago.

Because of anxiety, she ends up being stuck in her own world, or I should call it, hell itself. Her mind is a mess, bad, unreal and meaningless thoughts invade her mind all the time, and because she has been this way for so long without help and not knowing what to do, her situation has worsened to the point where her anxiety starts to change into a depressive anxiety.

However, as much as she has been suffering with her own mind for years, she can always count on her family whenever she needs them, even if they are distant from each other, they are inseparable.

Her father, as much as he doesn't understand most of the things she goes through, supports her and wants the best for MC, and so he does what he can to help MC pay for psychological treatment, and even though he doesn't understand, he always makes her smile and laugh, even when the situations are bad, even though he was always busy because of work, he always did what he could to be together, even in the simplest things, like family lunch, playing video games, watching movies, shopping together.

Her mother, on the other hand, has been through similar things like MC, and always try to help her the way she can, always speaking encouraging words, helping MC to do her things when she couldn't, sleeping next to the MC when she couldn't sleep because of anxiety, always being by her side, always supporting any decision, no matter the situation, MC's mom will always be there to hear her, either to hear about something that MC wants to do a lot or when she has some fear.

And there is also her younger brother (3 years younger), as much as they ended up arguing for silly things, he is her best friend, maybe her only true friend, always having fun together doing what they like, protecting each other, always being one for another, even when it was not known which words were right to say.

MC is blessed to have such an amazing family, and as much as she couldn't say "I love you, you are everything to me" to them, she loved them with all her heart and soul, and she couldn't say what would happen to her if she lost them, but probably something really bad would happen.

As much as it seemed that MC doesn't care about other people, maybe looking selfish and boring to others, she cares a lot about others, but she knows that this is also one of the big reasons why she suffers from anxiety, caring for others more than for herself, and for her own mental health, she had to try not to think so much about the problems of the world that she cannot solve.

Some people may think that she was wrong in doing this, but she wanted to have some sanity, even if little and trying to recover, than to go crazy with things that are impossible to fix, at least impossible for her to fix.

(Some other things about MC, but now simpler, because I'm out of time and too lazy, help me)

- Very distracted

- Very clumsy

- Nerd

- Dreamer / lost in her own world

- Impulsive

- Impatient

- Think too much about everything

- Studious

- Lonely

- Forgotten

- Problems with deadlines, do everything at the last minute.

- Avoid fights / arguments with people she doesn't know, but if it's someone close and it's a silly fight, she'll defend that she's right until the end, if she's wrong in the fight, she'll just be quiet for a while. If it is a serious fight, she will argue for some time until the tears stop her from continuing, and then she will be silent for a long time.

- Too stubborn

- Sarcastic with the closest people

- Always try to look for the good in people, but it is impossible for her to achieve kindness in certain people.

- Pessimistic

- Very sensitive / hurts / cries easily

- Perfectionist

- Very insecure

- She cannot express in words what she feels for other people

Likes:

Chocolate

Coffee

Rainy days

Winter

Music (Mainly, pop and rock)

To drive

Flowers

Taking pictures (mainly of landscapes)

Animals

Old things, like things related to the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s, or things from centuries ago

History

Books

Learn things

Horror stuff (games, books, movies)

Mystery

Horseback riding

Nature

Farms

See the city lights at night

Night

Games (both video games and board / cards)

Comics, Movies, Series etc about Superheroes

Mexican food

Travel

Psychology / Understanding the human mind

Buy drawing materials and books (even though she will never use / read them)

Big clothes

Wind

Ride a bike

Explore Abandoned Places

Dislikes:

Summer

Hot days

Insects

Spiders

Her mind

Who annoy her

People fighting

See things or people comment on things related to death or illness

Having to be patient

Who speak ill of her family

Working in a group

That people belittle her feelings

Parties

People

Delays

Alcoholic beverages

Buy clothes

Make up

High heels

Short dresses

Physics

Fears / Phobias / Things that bother her:

Spiders

Falling / High height

To drown

Die

Getting seriously ill

Dark / Night

To sleep

People

Speak in public

Losing her family

Stay alone

Crowds

Closed places

Tight clothes (Because she feels they are suffocating her)

Arrive late

Forget things

Having a car accident

Never be loved / Stop being loved

Future

May her fears come true

Skills:

- To draw

- Write

- Cook

- Game programming

- Sing

- Play keyboard and guitar

- To compose

- To dance

Hobbies:

Basically, it's her skills + reading + playing video games + taking pictures of the landscape.

Job:

Usually she either works as a waitress in a coffee shop or works in a supermarket (working at the checkout or replacing products on shelves)

As much as many find it strange, MC is very happy in her work, and does not mind working in "simple" jobs (basically jobs that earn little), and as much as she doesn't have much money, just enough to live reasonably well, she is happy with what she has and doesn't care about the money.

College:

She studies digital game design

I think that's it, there are some other things that I only do when I'm writing specific situations, for example, MC's opinions on certain subjects, and honestly I don't have time at the moment to make the MC's different opinions, and just say that she tries to be as neutral as she can, because she knows that extremes are never good, and that when asked which side she is in a situation (depending on what it is, but usually she says), she says doesn't have a side because it doesn’t identify herself by either side, because both are extreme, and this usually leads people to think that it’s on the fence, but it’s not like that, it’s more or less. "You were teleported to a place, there are two paths, one on the right and the other on the left, at the beginning of each of these paths there is a person, each talking about their paths and talking about why their path is the best of than the other and why you should follow their path. And then you must make a choice of which path to follow " But MC does not agree with either side, and will not wait there to see which side gives her the best benefit as many would do, she goes there and moves on, where there is no path, where there is no one, because she doesn't want to be on anyone's side, she wants to make her own opinions, and not follow what a group is saying.

Oh, and one of the philosophies she follows is of yin and yang, which says something like "There is good and there is evil, both need each other to exist, there is no good without evil, and no there is evil without good, and that nothing can be completely good or evil, since, however small, there is evil in good, and there is good in evil. "

Some phrases she would say:

"You can say anything about me, but don't come and talk about my family"

"I can't always do it, but I always try to be balanced, because I know that nothing comes out of extremism, no matter which side."

"I'm a Christian, I may not have proofs but I believe in God, but I don't believe everything in the Bible because it was made by humans, and I know that many of them used and still use people's faith to do very bad things . "

"Sorry, but I suck at remembering names, in fact, I suck at remembering."

"Shit, I knew I was forgetting something."

"I hate logic, most of these things don't make any sense!"

"At least I have you with me here DN" (DN = dog name)

"There is nothing that is not so bad that it cannot get worse"

"I think I celebrated too soon"

"I sleep! But no matter what I do, I will be forever sleepy!"

"No matter what I do, my thoughts disturb me from the moment I wake up until bedtime, and even while I'm asleep. And it happens every day."

"Sometimes ... I think ... people would be better off if I didn't exist. I just hinder and hurt people."

"I don't know when or how it started, I just know that I have been scared forever"

"I don't do it because I want to! It's not my fault if I'm easily distracted"

"I think writing is the only way to say what I feel"

"Yes, I know, I'm crazy, you don't have to tell me that"

"I'm not a normal person. Maybe I'm not even a human? What if I'm an alien and I don't know? A synthetic human? A robot with high artificial intelligence that is identical to that of humans?"

"I don't like to be afraid, but I love to see and read horror stuff."

"I love old things, they are so fascinating"

"What day is it today?"

"I just wanted to have a little courage that other people have"

"I have no hope of anything, as always, every time I had hope, very bad things happened, close people and pets died when I had hope that they would survive. For me, hope has long since died."

"I think, in a way, I am a miracle, just like my brother. I mean, it was almost impossible for my mom to have a baby, and look, here I am."

"I'm not cute!"

"I'm not short, I'm average height, it's the rest of the people who are very tall"

(Maybe I wrote a lot? Did I overdo it?)

Sorry if there is something confusing or errors in English

#I don't know what to put here

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baddly-well-done-translations · 3 years

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Who is (and who was) who in Marilyn Manson | by Lala Toutonian (Madhouse magazine N°84, year 1997)

A very normal family

Stop with the Reverend, for Satan’s sake! It’s the turn of the rest of the band, those relegated who maintain a lower (although not less controversial) profile. It’s difficult growing behind the shadow of such a character as Marilyn Manson, because of that is essential to maintain a spiritual strength and a fire-proof constancy. Here, an article (with the most solicited data) about the members and opus of the group which has most given to talk in this time.

Twiggy Ramirez: androginous (but sexual)

The second place in the category which refers to a visual phenome, is undoubtedly for the androginous bassist. Twiggy Ramirez is only one step away from taking the name of Antichrist Superstar, as his mentor.

“I pretend trying to break that barrier between what’s femminine and masculine” says the one who insists with dresses; “I think I had my first erection the day I put on my mother’s undergarments. It’s a part of me which feels comforted with that, as so many other people. Obviously I’m not a hermaphrodite, although people believe so. There’s a very thin line between hetero, bi, and homosexual”.

His thing is terminant. “We’re here to change today’s mainstream because it’s very mediocre. There was a time in which music wasn’t exciting anymore, there wasn’t a single one rockstar, it depressed me. I’m proud of being part of the mainstream now, somebody had to change it, turn it more exciting”.

He asegurates his thing was there since his mother’s womb. “She danced in a cage for the Kinks and Leslie West’s band”. His father could be the legendary guitarist West or Ray Davies from the Kinks: “I grew up surrounded by music. I lived with an aunt who was a groupie and very friend of the Ramones. I remember she hung up with one from the Bee Gees too”. If he hadn’t got success with music, he assegurates he’d be a prostitute.

And he continues with polemic themes: “I was raised without religion, I’ve never been cristian or satanist, I’m nothing”. He’s a rockstar: “Our music is so straight forward… There’s a group of idiots who simulate they don’t want to be rockstars, like if they felt pity for themselves. We’re the exception. The last time I talked with my mother, she told me little boxes with pubic hair were arriving at the house. I thought it was spectacular. Someone has to raise and care for those children. If their parents raise them, they’ll be just like us”.

Twiggy’s musical career started in primary school. He started playing violin because of a Star Wars film. In secondary school days, “Shout at the Devil” by Mötley Crüe and “Stay Hungry” by Twisted Sister were the albums which had most amazed him and the ones which ended up being decisive in his career. “Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show” was his first band: “A blend of country-wester disco with rockabilly bits”.

Ramirez met Manson in a Shopping Mall. “We had a band called ‘Mrs. Scabtree’ in which I dressed up as a black woman and sang. Then we started ‘Satan on Fire’, christian death metal group. I also sang and played guitar while Manson played the bass there. All these projects were while the creation of Marilyn Manson was taking place. He (Manson) played drums and bass, mostly so I could improve with guitar”.

Attracted by most dark metal genres “because of its message and rage”, Twiggy realized there was a lot of limitation, you couldn’t go further and the audience was minimal in this type of events.

He was invited to join the band after the recording of “Portrait of an American Family” and after two rehearsal weeks, they went on tour. “First album was recorded as a live band. In ‘Smells Like Children’ most of the material were covers. Scarcely in the song ‘Scabs, Guns and Peanut Butter’ I could give my own musical idea”.

Until that moment nothing could prevent the path the “Antichrist Superstar” would take, although the creepy version of “Sweet Dreams” deatheached a rotten smell. Ramirez assegurates that while in the “Smells..” tour, Marilyn and him had the same dreams, so they started composing together because it seemed that inspiration had the same start point in common: “In those days we talked about telepathy. We knew what the other was thinking and what we pretended for every song”.

The recording process of “Antichrist Superstar” ended up being pretty stressful for Twiggy since the moment in which Daisy was fired out of the band: “I don’t really know what was up with Daisy, but I was feeling alone, I wasn’t contributing in anything. I was lucky that there was Trent (Reznor)” Twiggy, with Marilyn Manson, plus Madonna Wayne Gacy’s contributions, were some of the pillars that helped “Antichrist Superstar” being the success it is.

God’s chosen one

The last thing the group’s members needed after the recording of Antichrist Superstar was having to search for a replacement for Berkowitz. But in the face of Daisy’s inability to get into the Manson family, they had to search for a six string player. This was in May 96’, and after a year they crashed into Zim Zum. While dozens of musicians paraded around Treznor’s house, the trio Manson-Ramirez-Gacy was acting as a judge while watching auditioning aspirants.

Although his name doesn’t derivate from a sex simbol and a murderer, the nickname has a particularity worthy of emphatize: the idea was taken from Hebrew. Zim Zum was the angel God had chosen to do the dirty work at the start of times; the same function was given to him by Mr. Manson while including him in the band. There are other dark sides in his ambivalent personality too: Tzimtzum refears, in cabbalistic terms, to the place God left for giving place to humanity. Also his name could be attributed to the serial assassin from the 60’s, called Raymond Zum.

From Illinois, Chicago, he worked for a long time in a guitar factory (In fact, three guitars of his are self-made). Apart of LSD (Life, Sex and Death), he had never participated in a band before. He debuted recording the live version of “Irresponsible Hate Anthem”.

A simple guy: Olivia Newton Bundy

Brian Tutunick is an original member of the Spooky Kids, after the initial project of Marilyn Manson, he continued his career in Collapsing Lungs and now he plays in Nation of Fear: “Nation of Fear started in 1995 after the dissolution of Collapsing Lungs. This project really was in my plans before that Marilyn Manson thing, as something more industrial. But some members of the bands preferred hip-hop. Then I met DJ Grinch, who was a Collapsing fan, and we started Nation together”. He assegures his thing is industrial, goth, alternative and a bit of rap and hardcore, everything blended with computers.

How was his history in Marilyn Manson? “Perry (Zsa Zsa Speck) and I were working on the Collapsing thing, and we were very friends. We had never made music before, but we wrote a lot of poetry. He started hanging out with Scott (Daisy Berkowitz) and recorded something like six tracks. That way they started Spooky Kids and I was asked if I wanted to be part of the project. I joined them, although I always pretended returning to Collapsing. Everyone gave ideas about performance and the visual part, but Manson already knew what direction we had to take. Between 1989 and 1990 we had only five shows. Madonna was bizarre. When we quit off the band because we wanted to keep up with Collapsing, we told him to take charge of the samplers. He was an encyclopedia of bizarre acts”, tells Olivia.

“I basically left the band because Manson and I have our own messages, someones in common, others not (...) I’m not on the musician's side. I hate musicians. I’m with entertainment, because of that I have more in common with a stripper than with Billy Joel”, concludes Wayne Gacy like if he wanted to make clear his mental lucidity.

Olivia practically doesn’t see the members of Marilyn Manson anymore, unless they met in a club or pub in the city. “Marilyn Manson is a shock rock band. They’re what they’re because they’re very controversial. There’s a thing I find particularly funny: religious groups which attentate in it’s shows. I consider that threatening a stadium full of kids with a bomb is a lot worse than a simple guy who’s trying to play his music”. Simple? Guy?...

Leafing the Daisy

When Daisy Berkowitz said goodbye to his peers in the middle of Antichrist Superstar’s production, fans were left totally shocked. After desperate searches by the press hand, he finally appeared, only to present Three Ton Gates, his new aggrupation. Now he’s heading towards the trial Manson initiated because of his composition’s rights.

“I wasn’t fired. I felt like I didn’t have credit for what I was doing and certainly not the opportunity of doing my music, while that was all I did between the first album and Smells Like Children. Manson didn’t accept any of the compositions I had for Antichrist Superstar. He only wanted ‘Wormboy’ and I felt deceived. He didn’t respect me. He changes opinions every five minutes, I’m not exaggerating. He was always searching for a sonorous personality and I contributed a lot in that field. When you write, you cannot simply transmit what you have in your head. He isn’t a musician, so he doesn’t understand that. He never appreciated my effort in creating a big sound unity”.

He assures Manson wanted to work with Twiggy and not with him, because the bassist took charge of the guitars after Daisy’s departure. “When I noticed I had only participated in a third part of the album, I decided to go away. They didn’t even include lots of guitars! They literally didn’t let me enter the studio, I only entered two times per week to do the basics with guitars. I played in five tracks: ‘Warmboy’, ‘Tourniquet’, ‘Mr. Superstar’ and ‘Antichrist Superstar’. Then they told me ‘Now you can leave’ and they hadn’t even ended the album. I realized I had to leave...“ laments Daisy.

He criticises the Reverend saying he had never had a band before and he doesn’t know what professionalism is. He doesn’t hang out with any of the band members now: “Nobody has even invited me to a show”. What does not being “Daisy Berkowitz” anymore feel like? “A bit better”, he tries to convince us.

The ones who want to contact the ex-Daisy, can do it at http://www.spookykids.com/threetongate (It’s a magazine from the ‘97, I hardly believe the page even exists now)

#marilyn manson #90s aesthetic #translation #the translation is mine #give credit #big balled idiot #old magazines #old everything

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tyuiopsd · 3 years

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Instead we are giving them pills

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orionsangel86 · 5 years

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75 Must Watch Supernatural Episodes in preparation for Season 15

As you might recall, a while ago TV Guide posted an article about their choice of the top 75 episodes of Supernatural to watch as a catch up of the series before the final season.

I read that article, and found myself absolutely horrified at many of their choices and outraged that many of the all time best episodes (including ones extremely important to the story) were missed off.

Everyone has their own opinions of course, but when I disagree with something that much it tends to motivate me to act out of pure spite - I do love a good spite motivation - and so I have made my own list, for the fandom, of the 75 absolute must watch episodes for anyone who wants to understand the integral story of Supernatural.

I have to hand it to TV Guide, whilst I adamantly disagreed with their choices, I admit that this was EXTREMELY DIFFICULT and having to sacrifice some of my faves so that I could include others that were more important to the story HURT, but that’s how it is.

Full list under the cut. Let me know what you think of my choices and my reasons!

1. Pilot

You cannot start a series catch up anywhere else, and we have to include the pilot episode. Introducing us to Sam and Dean, and setting up the story including the back story with the family tragedy. You just can’t beat a good old fashioned female fridging for man pain. *jokes*

2. 1x06 Skin

I feel like Skin is an important episode to watch as it is our first real look at Dean’s psyche as a character, where we start to realise just how much he is hiding behind his tough macho man exterior. The speech by Shifter!Dean to a horrified and confused Sam is heartbreaking and very revealing.

3. 1x12 Faith

This is still hands down one of Supernaturals best episodes. It was also the first time Kripke started considering a bigger mytharc involving faith and Christianity. We can all thank this episode for planting the seeds that would later give us the hugely popular character Castiel, and the hugely successful mytharc plots of Seasons 4 and 5. Also, one of the best music moments from the show with the “Don’t Fear The Reaper” chase scene.

4. 1x14 Nightmare

This episode introduces us to the Special Children story line which was of paramount importance to the first two seasons. It gives us the first glimpses of Sam’s powers to come, and is also the first time we get some hints of John Winchesters abuse of Dean.

5. 1x18 Something Wicked

I chose this episode because it is the first time we get to see more of Sam and Dean’s childhood, and how horrific it was - especially for Dean. A brilliant episode that once again clearly demonstrates how John Winchester is not a man to be messed with. If at this point you aren’t itching to call child services on his ass you probably need to read up on your understanding of child abuse.

6. 1x22 Devils Trap

The Season 1 finale gives us the show down between John Winchester and the Yellow Eyed Demon Azazel, some heartbreaking moments between father and sons, and a cliffhanger that leaves Baby and Dean both broken.

7. 2x01 In My Time of Dying

I love this episode. Dean’s out of body experience at the hospital, Sam’s grief, John’s deal, Tessa’s introduction to the show. C’est magnifique!

8. 2.05 Simon Said

I just think Simon Said is a great episode that further develops the special children plot whilst being both funny and dark at its core - classic SPN.

9. 2.15 Tall Tales

Our introduction to Gabriel - well, to the trickster as he is known here. This episode is gloriously funny and a must watch!

10. 2.21 All Hell Breaks Loose: Parts One and two

Okay I’m cheating a bit and putting these two episodes together, but in my opinion they count as their own feature length episode as you can’t watch one without the other. The climax of the special children arc, the deeply emotional Sam death scene and Dean’s bedside vigil, and Dean selling his soul. This two part season finale packed a lot of punches and is a definite must watch.

11. 3.03 Bad Day at Black Rock

How can anyone forget Sam’s run of bad luck in this hilarious episode. He LOST HIS SHOE!

12. 3.10 Dream a Little Dream of Me

This is another must watch episode for the deep dive into Dean’s psyche. We also get more of a backstory to Bobby Singer, but the real brilliance happens when Dean spends part of the episode talking to his own dark mirror, revealing all sorts of subconscious fears and insecurities on his part.

13. 3.11 Mystery Spot

I couldn’t not put Mystery Spot on the list. This infamous episode of Supernatural will have you singing “Heat of the Moment” over and over again whilst sympathising with poor Sam every time Tuesday comes around. Don’t let Dean eat the funny tasting tacos!

14. 3.16 No Rest for the Wicked

In lots of ways, Season 3 was a weak season. It was drastically shortened due to the writers strike at the time, and Kripke & Co didn’t get to tell the story they initially planned for, instead they had to come up with an alternative which gave us this dark finale in which Dean is condemned to hell. That can’t have been a fun hiatus for fans watching live... Still, it was a memorable finale and that is why it is on my list.

15. 4.01 Lazarus Rising

This episode. Here begins Supernaturals “golden age”. Enter Castiel, Angel of the Lord and future fan favourite right up until 2k19. How many people out in the world saw that now famous entrance and immediately fell in love?

*holds up hand*

If you do nothing else, and you’ve never seen a single episode of Supernatural before, just watch this one, and I guarantee, I GUARANTEE, you will want to keep watching.

16. 4.07 It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

The problem I have with season 4 is that I want to put basically every episode on the list. To this day it remains my favourite season of the show (and not just for the extreme DeanCas sexual tension). I kept this episode on the list simply because I love the Halloween theme, I love the frankly horrifying Samhain, and I LOVE the journey that Castiel goes through in this episode alone. Bonus points for Sam Winchester fangirling over Castiel proving he is no different from the rest of us. :P

17. 4.16 On the Head of a Pin

I say season 4 is my favourite season, and On the Head of a Pin is one of my all time favourite episodes. This is Supernatural at it’s finest and it’s not surprising as it was written by the great Ben Edlund. It is a perfect blend of horror and angst as we watch every character painfully spiral downwards. Sam hungrily drinks Ruby’s blood much to the audiences horror, Castiel faces his internal and external conflicts as all starts to unravel in the heavenly plans, and Dean plays a terrifying game of wits in an outstanding performance with the demon Alistair, his hellish torturer. It was a performance that Jensen Ackles should have won an Emmy for in my honest opinion. This episode has forever ruined the song “Cheek to Cheek” for me, but it was so worth it.

18. 4.17 It's a Terrible Life

It’s one of the classics. This AU world in which the angels flex their power over the Winchesters is another well loved fan favourite and quite frankly deserves to be here purely for the hilarious scene that many office workers all over the world would wish they could reenact as Sam quits his job in the most Sam Winchester way possible.

19. 4.20 The Rapture

I had to keep this episode here because it is so important for future story lines. As Castiel gets closer to Dean, heaven takes action and we meet Jimmy Novak, Cas’s tormented vessel, and in Castiel’s own future words “his greatest regret”. It’s a deeply emotional episode that proves even angels have their dark sides.

20. 4.22 Lucifer Rising

The Season 4 finale is still one of the most epic in my opinion. Sam and Dean’s dramatic fight in the episode before has left them both vulnerable to the angels and demons that are manipulating them for their own purposes. Ruby’s villain reveal speech is still one of the best, and as she shows her true colours to a horrified Sam, Dean makes an angel fall for him. In every way.

21. 5.03 Free to Be You and Me

This episode is another classic and many fans of Destiel would put it among their top episodes. As Sam and Dean go their separate ways, Dean grows closer to a now fallen and socially awkward Castiel.

22. 5.04 The End

Another epic from the mastermind that is Ben Edlund. The End has inspired much extremely angst ridden fanfiction over the years (and a very romantic song in a future musical episode) and is notorious for breaking fans hearts the world over. As Dean is unwillingly sent to a future apocalyptic world, he meets his harsh and brutal future self, and a drug addled hedonistic human Castiel. The most memorable and painful moment being his confrontation with a sharply dressed Lucifer wearing his brothers face. Tears flowed freely from fans the night this episode aired.

23. 5.08 Changing Channels

Changing Channels is another of those infamous episodes that even non fans of SPN are aware of for it’s sheer lunacy. Sam and Dean once again find themselves up against the trickster aka the archangel Gabriel, who puts them into a TV world where they must “play their roles” in order to survive.

Highlights include Sam’s herpes commercial and Dean’s heart eyes for Doctor Sexy MD.

24. 5.16 Dark Side of the Moon

Dark Side of the Moon is a beautiful episode. The race through heaven and through each Winchester’s memories gives us a far greater understanding of their complex and troubled relationship. The heartbreaking scenes of Dean’s heaven with his mother that Sam could not be part of were especially painful to watch. The climax reveal that God wasn’t listening and Castiel’s subsequent loss of faith only added to that heartbreak. Another must see episode.

25. 5.18 Point of No Return

As is the case with season 4, it was so difficult not to just put every season 5 episode on this list. I do think that both seasons just need to be watched in full to truly grasp how brilliant they were. Point of No Return needs to be on this list though because this episode is the breaking point, the tensions remain high throughout as each character makes desperate choices as they all spiral towards the Endtimes.

26. 5.22 Swan Song

Swan Song is often considered the number 1 top episode of Supernatural. It is always at the top of these “rank the episodes” lists in the media, and that is why it is on my list too. It is brilliant in many ways, but if I am being completely honest it doesn’t even come close to the top of my own personal list ranking SPN episodes. It is certainly emotional, and there are some extremely heartbreaking scenes. Lucifer plays his hand, Dean plays his right back with the power of love, Sam makes his swan dive. It’s heartbreaking, it needs to be watched, but the “endings are hard” meta moan by Kripke always felt slightly too pretentious for my tastes. Don’t make excuses dude, this episode didn’t need them.

27. 6.11 Appointment in Samarra

I’ll be honest, I didn’t like season 6. Whilst some of the individual episodes were good, the mytharc was weak and I think the season struggled to find it’s feet for many episodes at the start. I didn’t like soulless Sam, preferring my Sammy to be the compassionate caring sweetheart he always was before. That being said, Appointment in Samarra is a brilliant standalone episode simply because the character of Death is so very compelling. Dean’s time playing Death was fun whilst also being a deeply emotional exploration of cause and effect in the universe. It’s a must watch.

28. 6.15 The French Mistake

I couldn’t not put this episode on the list. If Season 6 did one thing right, it was this ridiculous episode.

29. 6.20 The Man Who Would Be King

The only other thing Season 6 did right. 6x20 is Ben Edlund’s masterpiece and without it, frankly, the entire mytharc plot of the season would fail miserably. This beautiful episode told from the point of view of a hugely conflicted Castiel not only birthed an entire new generation of Destiel shippers, but canonically confirmed that Castiel’s every decision was motivated by his love for Dean.

*Ouch my shipper heart*

30. 6.22 The Man Who Knew Too Much

The season 6 finale is on this list purely for two characters: Sam and Cas. Sam’s journey to put himself back together inside his own head is as enjoyable as it is emotional. Castiel’s spiralling through into utter villainy is simply soul destroying - especially for those of us who are heavily invested in this character.

31. 7.01 Meet the New Boss

I had to keep the season 7 premiere in this episode as it is the only hint we have of what could have been an AMAZING season story line! Sadly, it was not to be, and Castiel’s run as God lasts this episode only before a very misguided showrunner wrote him off the show (thankfully she saw reason and brought him back dramatically later on, even though the damage and huge drop in ratings was already done.) Worth watching purely for enjoying a power drunk Castiel wipe out a homophobic preacher - he really doesn’t like those homophobes!

32. 7.10 Death's Door

The first time I watched Death’s Door I sobbed for 20 minutes straight. Bobby Singer was the best father Sam and Dean (and Castiel at times) could have ever had, and this heartfelt goodbye to the character as he fought against his reaper and his own memories really packed a punch.

33. 7.17 The Born-Again Identity

The episode that turned it all around. The Born-Again Identity sees a desperate Dean take a chance on a mysterious healer to help a haunted Sam. That healer turns out to be everything Dean has been waiting for. Castiel’s dramatic return to the series answered both Deans, and many fans, prayers.

34. 7.20 The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo

The introduction of Charlie Bradbury was a must on this list. She immediately became a fan favourite with her upbeat quirkiness. Created to be an avatar for fandom in many ways, she was a breath of fresh air compared to the previous fan avatar the show introduced us too who the less we mention the better. This episode was a lighthearted fun episode in an otherwise downright depressing season.

35. 7.23 Survival of the Fittest

It’s a must watch for the dick jokes alone. In all seriousness, I like this episode, even if it is another weak finale compared to others. The dynamic between Dean, Sam, Meg, and a Castiel who isn’t quite himself, is enjoyable, even if the villain of the season isn’t all that interesting.

36. 8.02 What's Up, Tiger Mommy?

Where the season 8 premiere focused on the present day, and what Sam had been doing in the year between the season 7 finale and now, episode 2 focuses more on purgatory. Dean’s time in purgatory desperately hunting for an AWOL Castiel is definitely worth the watch, especially when their purgatory reunion was so heartbreaking. Bonus points for Sam being worthy of Mjolnir!

37. 8.07 A Little Slice of Kevin

I make no secret of the fact that Castiel is my favourite character in Supernatural, or my love of Dean and Castiel’s relationship. This episode is on my list because Castiel’s return to the real world and an emotional Dean gets my fangirl heart pounding. This episode must use every romantic trope in the book on these two heartbroken dumbasses and it will always be a favourite.

38. 8.08 Hunteri Heroici

This episode is another one of my favourite. The boys finally bring Cas along on an otherwise regular monster of the week hunt, and it is hilarious. Not to mention the hunt is extremely loony and for that reason alone, it is a must watch.

39. 8.11 LARP and the Real Girl

The reintroduction of Charlie Bradbury is a delightful episode where the boys get a taste of LARPING. This is one of those memorable episodes where we get to see the Winchesters both out of their element, and also embracing a bit of fun outside of their normal dark lives. It is a joyful episode to watch.

40. 8.12 As Time Goes By

An integral episode that ends up being a game changer for the show. Thanks to a time travel spell, the boys find out their grandfather was part of a secret organisation. This episode is a must watch for the introduction of Abaddon, the Men of Letters, and the Winchester’s new home base that will see them through to the end of the series - the Bunker.

41. 8.17 Goodbye Stranger

Goodbye Stranger is one of those episodes that will break your heart and leave you screaming. Castiel finally breaks free from heavens grasp - but what broke the connection?

42. 8.23 Sacrifice

I adore the season 8 finale. Crowley’s confession, Sam’s heartbreaking speech which kicked off a long ongoing arc over the next 6 seasons exploring the darker side of the Winchester’s codependency, Metatron’s betrayal, and Castiel’s fall to humanity. The final scene with the angels fall to Earth is beautiful and emotional and I just love everything about it.

43. 9.01 I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here

The season 9 premiere is another deeply emotional episode which explores the aftermath of Sam’s trials to close the gates of hell. Sam is once again on deaths door, but Dean has ideas to save him - and his choices drastically affect the course of both brothers, and Castiel’s, lives for the next several seasons of pain and downward spirals into darkness.

44. 9.06 Heaven Can't Wait

The first ever episode written by our angst goblin king Bobo Berens and what a first episode it was. This episode was like a twisted mix between tragedy and romantic comedy but it worked brilliantly. Fans of Dean and Cas both laughed and wept at it’s perfection. It also was the episode that birthed a thousand fanfics thanks to one well placed “fanfiction gap”.

45. 9.11 First Born

This episode is one of the highlights of Season 9, with a brilliant performance by Timothy Omundson as Cain, this episode sees Dean make the terrible mistake of signing a contract before reading the terms and conditions. Bonus side plot of Sam and Cas getting some Bunker bonding time.

46. 9.18 Meta Fiction

This Castiel focused episode from the genius mind of Robbie Thompson is another must watch. The villainous Metatron manipulates Cas into playing a role in his own scripted story. Bonus guest appearance from fan favourite Gabriel adds to the appeal of this episode. (Following the season 14 finale I can’t help but wonder if this episode had some influence on the current writing team - could we even call it foreshadowing?)

47. 9.23 Do You Believe in Miracles?

The season 9 finale was another very strong episode which must be watched if only for the huge cliffhanger ending. Dean spirals into his own darkness under the effects of the Mark of Cain, and pays for it with his life. Thankfully Crowley is there to make things “better” and take the wayward Winchester under his demonic wing.

48. 10.03 Soul Survivor

Like many others, I feel that we were robbed of a longer Demon!Dean arc. I also feel like the show could have gone far darker with the character given everything we know about poor Dean’s psyche. Whilst episodes 1 and 2 took a lighter touch the demon, Soul Survivor was as close as we got to a truly evil representation of Dean and this episode shook me with the truly brilliant yet terrifying performance Jensen gives us.

49. 10.05 Fan Fiction

Fan Fiction is one of those episodes that you will either love or hate. Created as a love letter to the shows fandom, Robbie Thompson poured his heart into this episode and I do think it is a necessary watch even if just for the beautiful rendition of Carry on Wayward Son at the end. Some may find it cringeworthy in parts - many in fandom don’t exactly like the show drawing attention to their “dirty laundry” and I don’t think anyone will forget a fangirl telling Dean Winchester directly that “you can’t spell subtext without S-E-X” nor the break-the-forth-wall look Dean gives the audience upon hearing that. Nevertheless, we can officially say that both Destiel and Sastiel have been mentioned directly by the Winchester brothers - funnily enough Sam seems totally cool with the concept of hooking up with Cas; Dean though, well, as the saying goes “the lady doth protest too much”.

50. 10.14 The Executioner's Song

Like with First Born, this episode is a must watch for Timothy Odmunson’s performance as Cain, and how brilliantly he and Jensen work together. A haunting and tense episode with a heartbreaking conclusion. It’s dark and deep and pretty damn epic.

Bonus Episode Shout Out - 10.16 Paint it Black

I am not actually including this episode in the list, as it is a generic MOTW for the most part. But I do want to give it an honorary mention for one scene in particular. If you are new to the show, and are planning on using this list to catch up, then for this episode, go to YouTube and search “Supernatural 10x16 Dean’s confession”. TRUST ME. If like me, you love analysing Dean’s character to death, his church confession in this episode is like being given the key to figuring out the meaning of life.

51. 10.22 The Prisoner

I have chosen this episode over the Season 10 finale because this episode depicts Dean’s spiral into total darkness, whereas the season 10 finale always felt like a particularly weak episode to me. Following Charlie’s horrific (and highly controversial) death, Dean lets the Mark of Cain consume him and goes on a killing spree. The ending of this episode ripped my heart to shreds as Castiel promises that he will stay with Dean forever, only for Dean to beat him to near death and only stop at the last minute thanks to that final shred of humanity left in him. If the shot of a bloodied and heartbroken Castiel staring at the angel blade that narrowly missed his head doesn’t make you cry, then I don’t even know why you watch this show.

52. 11.04 Baby

Another fan favourite told from the point of view from the Impala which at this point is definitely its own character and so much more than just a car. Baby is an extremely well put together episode which confirms that there is more than a little bit of magic in that sleek 1967 muscle car.

53. 11.11 Into the Mystic

Into the Mystic introduces us to Eileen Leahy, a character who we all immediately fell in love with, and not just because she is literally PERFECT for Sam Winchester (yes I ship it), but also because she is a badass female hunter and this show is most definitely lacking badass female hunters. It also keeps us on the edge of our seats as Lucifer disguised as Castiel infiltrates the bunker and manages to trick Dean. Epic stuff.

54. 11.17 Red Meat

A well known controversial episode, Red Meat penned by Angst Goblin Bobo Berens delves into the darker, more toxic parts of the Winchester brothers relationship, and highlights just how horrific their codependency has become. Love it or hate it, you can’t deny that it highlights that these boys have some serious issues, and this episode marks a turning point from which both brothers, but especially Dean, start to move upwards, towards a more healthy bond.

55. 11.18 Hell's Angel

The fight to save Castiel from Lucifer’s clutches would be so much easier if the depressed angel actually knew how much he was loved by his Winchester family. Unfortunately for him, Dean is a dumbass who never uses his words. Hell’s Angel is heartbreaking but a must watch if you have any doubt in how much Dean Winchester cares for his angelic guardian. Lucifer’s mockery of his desperation is a particularly nasty knife twist, but then again us fans lap this stuff up.

56. 11.20 Don't Call Me Shurley

The dramatic return of Chuck AKA God. Another must watch episode which explains in some way what the hell God has been doing all this time, whilst Sam and Dean fight to save a small town from a deathly supernatural fog. The tear-jerking song “Fare Thee Well” sung by Rob Benedict at the end not only foreshadows God’s “death” at the end of the season, but also the departure of fan favourite writer Robbie Thompson from the writing team. Emotional indeed.

57. 11.23 Alpha and Omega

The season 11 finale marks the first time in the shows history that a finale doesn’t have a single death. The uplifting ending in which the boys manage to save the world and reunite God and his sister is a one off for Supernatural, especially when it ends with another shock character resurrection - symbolising a new direction for the show and a new showrunner. This was an epic finale that I thoroughly enjoyed.

58. 12.01 Keep Calm and Carry On

The Season 12 premiere saw the return of Mary Winchester, an awkward introduction with a shocked and overjoyed Castiel, and a dramatic race to save Sam from the British Men of Letters. It sets up a far more human mytharc plot than the previous seasons world ending battles between Gods, but with Mary’s introduction, and Andrew Dabb at the wheel, the story is about to get a whole bunch more personal.

59. 12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets

One of my all time favourite episodes, Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets gives us a very small peek at Castiel’s pre-Winchester past, and his beautiful female former vessel (no matter what form Castiel resides in, he is always beautiful - a fact referenced in show almost as often as out of it!). It also confirms that no matter how much Cas and Dean may bicker with each other, no one else insults Dean Winchesters angel and gets away with it! Bonus points for long suffering third wheel Sam Winchesters epic bitch faces and eye rolls throughout.

60. 12.11 Regarding Dean

This episode is one of those rare beauties which gets the balance between humour and heartbreak just right. As Dean rapidly loses his memories under a witches spell, Sam and Rowena fight to save him. Regarding Dean explores deep themes including Dean’s loss of childhood innocence at a young age, and how a life shrouded in darkness has effected him. Pure heartbreak. Bonus points for THAT scene on the bucking bronco.

61. 12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)

Another all time favourite, directed by our very own Richard Speight Jr in a highly stylised homage to Reservoir Dogs and other Tarantino movies. Castiel takes the role of Mr Orange in this gruesome tale, much to the distress of Mr White AKA Dean. One absolutely devastating love confession later and there isn’t a dry eye in the house. DO NOT SKIP THIS EPISODE.

62. 12.19 The Future

The episode that shook the fandom to it’s core thanks to one tiny moment. A desperate Castiel makes some bad decisions, but not before first using Dean’s love for him against him. The knowledge that Dean at one point made a tailored mixtape of his favourite Led Zeppelin songs and gave it to Castiel as a gift BROKE ME. To this day I am still not over this information. To this day I cannot quite get Dean’s soft voice saying “it’s a gift, you keep those.” out of my head. Just remembering the scene as I write this makes my heart flutter and I STILL can’t believe that the writers took the show in this direction. It’s beautiful.

63. 12.22 Who We Are

This heartbreaking episode reveals the importance of Mary’s return to the show, as Dean goes into his mothers own head to try to save her from brainwashing. A truly epic performance from Jensen Ackles (once again) in which Dean finally admits his own burdens, explains how he was robbed of his childhood, and how he was forced into the role of parent to his younger brother when he was 4 years old. Ah that character development is truly delicious.

64. 12.23 All Along the Watchtower

The season 12 finale packs a lot of punches. The imminent birth of Lucifer’s nephilim son causes a rift in the universe, opening a doorway to another world. As the tension builds to a dramatic conclusion, Lucifer plays his hand, unwittingly trapping himself in the AU world with one beloved character, as another sacrifices himself and a third tragic death leaves Dean shattered and broken on the ground.

65. 13.01 Lost and Found

The season 13 premier was everything I have ever wanted from a Supernatural episode - namely PAAAAAIN. The last 10 minutes of this episode in particular had me ugly crying into @margarittet and @tinkdw‘s laps. In fact, every time I rewatch this episode I cry again. As we are introduced to Jack, we say goodbye to Castiel, and my god, I will never get over watching Dean Winchester wrap the body of his angel in preparation for the pyre and try so hard to keep it together. Same Dean. Same.

66. 13.05 Advanced Thanatology

Where Lost and Found broke my heart, Advanced Thanatology stamped on the shattered pieces until the final seconds in which it magically pulled me back together again. This episode was the climactic end to a 5 episode mini grief arc for Dean who just couldn’t get over Castiel’s death. In this episode, we realise just how badly that death has affected Dean, as he foolishly risks his life in his desperation for any kind of win he can get. Episode highlights include a brilliant performance from Billie who has assumed the role of Death as she knocks some sense into Dean, and the final dramatic return of Castiel, proving that “it’s never too late to start all over again”.

67. 13.06 Tombstone

Following 5 episodes of extreme angst and pain, the audience is finally given some relief in this joyful episode which sees the reunited Winchesters take their new son on a trip to cowboy country. Honestly it’s worth watching purely for Castiel’s attempt at playing cowboy to make Dean happy, and Sam Winchesters knowing looks as he pointedly calls out Dean’s dramatic 180 turn from uber depressive to ecstatic happiness following his angels return to the world of the living. Bonus points for this episode getting the hashtag #brokebacksupernatural trending on Twitter.

68. 13.10 Wayward Sisters

The episode that should have kicked off a whole new spin off were it not for the idiotic decisions of a group of suited white guys with no concept of what decent TV is nowadays. Yes I’m still bitter, Yes Mark Pedowitz can go to hell. Wayward Sisters was a brilliant episode that gave us a whole new generation of badass hunting women, and a story that I was 100% invested in seeing more of. It’s a damn tragedy this never got picked up for its own series.

69. 13.16 Scoobynatural

I can’t write a list of top episodes without adding Scoobynatural. The three Winchester boys find themselves zapped into TV land and meet the Scooby Gang. This episode was just hilarious and brilliant. Bonus points for Castiel’s bond with Shaggy and Scooby, and only a minor deduction for Dean’s over the top flirting with Daphne.

70. 13.21 Beat the Devil

In true Supernatural fashion, as the end of the season gets closer, the tension builds to extreme levels. In the apocalypse world the Winchesters try to find and save Jack and Mary, but Lucifer is on their tails. An unexpected attack leads to a highly traumatic and shocking scene in which Sam is killed and a distraught Dean is only pulled away from further danger by a terrified Castiel. The final scene of this episode in which Lucifer resurrects Sam in a truly horrific display of power over his former victim and vessel is haunting and brilliantly acted by Jared Padalecki. The fear he radiates around Lucifer being the only thing that allows me to continue to take the devil seriously at this point in the show.

71. 14.08 Byzantium

I know what you are going to say, I have skipped a BIG chunk of episodes in my list. I have to be honest here and admit that the season 13 finale was possibly one of the worst episodes in Supernatural history and I can’t in good conscience add it to this list. I also think that the writers struggled to pull themselves back up to the high standard of early season 13 after that dreadful finale, so the first half of Season 14 always felt a bit dull for me, however Byzantium does make up for it, in it’s emotional story of how Sam, Dean, and Castiel all deal with the death of their son. The highlights of this episode have to be the scenes in heaven, where Jack reunites with his mother Kelly, and Castiel finds them both in her own piece of paradise in another tear-jerking scene. Castiel’s deal with the creature from the Empty leaving Cas fans everywhere horrified and distraught, but also rather excited at what exactly may trigger the deadly deal. Hopefully this plot point will be picked up next season, as it is definitely highly anticipated.

72. 14.10 Nihilism

Another dream episode for any Dean fans who like to analyse his beautifully deep and layered psyche. Sam and Cas must dive into Dean’s mind in order to free him from the archangel Michael. What they find is worth several essay’s of analysis on this fascinating and wonderful character. Dean’s bar; surrounded by symbols and hints of his life and a very apt song put on repeat - Will Dean ever get his rainbow ending? Only one more season to go until we find out.

73. 14.14 Ouroboros

Following all the drama and separation of the Winchester family, they finally all reunite in this episode to hunt a gorgon. I always prefer the episodes where Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack all work together, and this episode explores the group dynamic perfectly. The gorgon is a charismatic villain who taunts our heroes and has them all fighting to keep up with him. Put it simply this is just a fun episode and exactly what we want from our MOTW episodes in the new Supernatural era.

74. 14.15 Peace of Mind

Just like the previous episode, Peace of Mind is simply one of the more fun and enjoyable episodes of the season. So much so in fact that I have probably re-watched it a dozen times because I loved it so much. In a rare team up between Sam and Cas, they find themselves stuck in a Pleasantville type place. Hilarity ensues, and poor Sam gets himself stuck in a 1950s style marriage and a sweater vest. Castiel reads some raunchy erotica and enjoys it. You will find yourselves laughing at “H-E-double hockey sticks” for hours afterwards. A must watch lighthearted episode in an otherwise dark season.

75. 14.20 Moriah

The season 14 finale was certainly one of the more epic finales we have had, and a meta masterpiece penned by showrunner Andrew Dabb. As Dean’s anger and grief following Mary’s death only deepens, and the rift between him and Castiel continues, it is Sam who discovers that all this time, for their entire lives, they have all been nothing more than characters in a world created by a cruel and manipulative writer God. Chuck’s return and reveal as the villain of the entire show came as a shock to many fans who saw him as a beloved fan favourite, but to many others, myself included, this reveal harmonises this entire story and the Winchesters long and traumatic journey and blows my mind at just how perfect it all is. God Was Never On Your Side, and this has always been a show to stress the importance of free will in a Godless world.

*chef’s kiss*

Bring on Season 15.

#supernatural #top 75 episodes #spn meta #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #supernatural episode summaries #my opinions #seriously these are just my opinions #and I had so much fun writing this #and i am kinda proud of it #my stuff

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x-lulu · 3 years

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gurl 1-99 I dare you😄

haha no if that's too much just 1, 2, 24, 32, 77, 85, 95

well I finally answered them all babe, took me a week haha 💗

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? world away by tonight alive, you give love a bad name by bon jovi, amnesia by five seconds of summer, had enough by lower than atlantis, take it out on me by thousand foot krutch, if I could fly by one direction, I just named the first that popped in my head

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? YOU

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17? a wind came in off the harbour, bringing the smell of the sea

4: What do you think about most? I’m an overthinker with anxiety so yeah I think about everything a lot, so I wouldn’t know what I think about most

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? just an okay haha

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? with, an oversized shirt and underwear

7: What’s your strangest talent? latin maybe?

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) I don’t know rock? I’m not really the kind of person that puts a gender in things

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? uhm I don’t think so, now I feel unimportant haha

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? I’m more an using a hairbrush as a microphone kind of girl

11: Do you have any strange phobias? probably, I’m scared of a lot of things

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? don’t think so

13: What’s your religion? officially I’m Christian, I’m a bit searching for what I believe in tho, I do believe in jezus but not like walking on water and coming back from the death, I might believe in the Greek gods and nature gods

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? enjoying the fresh air, going for a walk/ride and look at cute animals

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? even if you kill me I don’t know what band to say

17: What was the last lie you told? I lied about not being sad

18: Do you believe in karma? I don’t know, sometimes, but like there are people who’ve done terrible things, where is their karma?

19: What does your URL mean? it’s just my nickname, I didn’t want to make it fandom related because I’m a multi fandom and I didn’t want to have to change my url a lot, I also didn’t want to put my real name because I don’t want people to find me who I know in real life haha

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? my insecurity is my greatest weakness I think, I don’t know my greatest strength... maybe being a person who people feel loved and welcome by? Idk if people feel that way and idk if it’s a strength. If I’m gonna be poetic I have to say my greatest weakness and strength are both that I love someone with my whole heart, when I start loving you, I love you so much, I would do anything for you, but when someone fucks up, I’ll still love them even tho they don’t deserve it, so that comes with a lot of pain so yeah a weakness and a strength

21: Who is your celebrity crush? rudy pankow and dylan obrien

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? yes

23: How do you vent your anger? I keep everything to myself till I explode and start screaming

24: Do you have a collection of anything? music records, stones and just memories from places I’ve been to

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? neither? If I’m comfortable I do enjoy video chatting especially in times like these where you can’t speak in real life

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? this is hard one, I’ve never been happy with who I am, I do like me better than who I used to be

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? sound I love is when you’re walking trough the woods just the birds, can’t think of one I hate, I definitely have some they just don’t come to mind rn

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if I keep going through and it doesn’t get better

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes/maybe

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. my laptop and my pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? flowers

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? xanten

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? uhm west coast? Idk haha

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? harry styles is the first one that pops in my head

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? to find love, can be someone something, experience things that make you happy, enjoy it, learn, better the world

36: Define Art. creating something, it can have a meaning but it also can’t, a lot of people give it a deep meaning, which can be it, I just think art doesn’t always have to be deep are spectacular it can be someone making something because they have so much going in their head and they find peace in creating art and get inspired by their own experience, people also can it just do for fun, there are so many different kind of art and artists, I don’t think it can’t be defined

37: Do you believe in luck? I don’t know

38: What’s the weather like right now? rainy

39: What time is it? 9:54 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no licence

41: What was the last book you read? a fanfic on Wattpad fight or flight by ffsumth

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? yes 🙈

43: Do you have any nicknames? lu and lulu obviously, loesje , samantha, pinguïn, polar bear, you called me lulu bear hehe

44: What was the last film you saw? I don’t remember...

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? uhm ive broken a few things, my toes and my arm, but nothing really bad actually

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no, I don’t want to, I have seen some really close, they’re beautiful

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? again you haha, but like all the stuff I post on here are my obsessions

48: What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t know, I think straight, but I don’t know for sure

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? yeah

50: Do you believe in magic? I’m not certain, maybe I do :) I do live by the saying ‘just because you haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist’

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? sadly yes, like I won’t be mean to you or anything, but I will never ever trust you again, if I’m hurt I’m hurt and sadly I haven’t found a way yet to leave it behind, so I’m feeling a lot of pain and I’m never gonna forget that pain, so yeah...

52: What is your astrological sign? capricorn

53: Do you save money or spend it? uhm both? depends on how I feel and what time of the year it is, I have the bad habit to save it for a few months and then spend a lot of it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? a apple pen so I can start trying digital art

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? with you hehe

57: How many relationships have you had? none official relationships, I’m just not lovable okay leave me alone haha

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no oops

59: Where were you yesterday? home, school, therapy

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? a pillow

61: Are you wearing socks right now? no

62: What’s your favourite animal? polar bears

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? no idea haha, I don’t have one

64: Where is your best friend? at home, like 20min away

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. this is hard so I’m just gonna name the first five that come in my head @nxsmss @rafej-cambanks @thegreatestofheck @chrlsgillespie @nedleed

66: What is your heritage? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? sleeping, I had to get up early today

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? never thought about it

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? no

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Is it bad to say yes? I mean I hate myself but I do think I’m a good friend

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? save the dog obviously!!!!

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? I think I would tell people, I’m not sure, but like so have people got the time to say goodbye the way they want to, I would travel the world I think, do everything on my bucket list, maybe some illegal stuff 🙈 (where no one gets hurt tho obviously), I don’t think I would be afraid... I mean I’m suicidal, I’ve literally been connected to death my whole life, if you understand what I mean

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. uhm trust I think? If I would have love but don’t have trust I wouldn’t really feel loved anyway, I do really want to experience how it feels like to be loved tho...

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? the first song that came to mind is love my life by Robbie Williams, I rarely listen to it, but the lyrics really gives a boost of happiness and confidence

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 51 54

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? loyalty and trust, you don’t have to agree on everything or be interested in the same things, you do have to be there for each other

77: How can I win your heart? YOU ALREADY HAVE

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes I think so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? to get dogs

80: What size shoes do you wear? uhm 38 eu, 4,5 uk and 7 us

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? a loving ... I hope to be a loving daughter, friend, wife and mother, someone who was always there for others

82: What is your favourite word? fuck haha, no idk but that is definitely a word I use a lot

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. pain....

84: What is a saying you say a lot? enjoy the little things

85: What’s the last song you listened to? ignorance by paramore

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? uhm I do love black, I also like pastels and like a turquoise kind of colour

87: What is your current desktop picture? me and my friend

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? no one, there are a lot of people who did wrong, the need to be in jail, but I’m not saying someone deserves to die

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? what goes on in my head, how I’m feeling

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? scream probably haha

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? teleportation, I would travel the world haha

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? when I was in Ireland by the cliffs of moher

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? uhm this is a hard one, maybe seeing my father almost dying? (he is okay btw, we were lucky), I’ve had nightmares and anxiety ever since

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I find this so weird to say for some reason... if I have to give a name it would be harry styles I think, because damn look at that man, but I don’t know, I would rather be friends with him than sleep with him tbh, I know you can do both haha, but idk I’m not like yes I want to sleep with him haha, I think I’ve read too many fanfics about him that I would find it awkward

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? ice land or canada

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? don’t think so, not close ones anyway

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? no, I got out in time haha

98: Ever been on a plane? yes, when I went on a trip to georgia in west asia

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? you’re all ignorant assholes haha, no idk what I would say, there are a lot of good people on this world I know, but man there is some fucked up shit, so maybe I would educate some people or it would have something to do with mental health, maybe about loving yourself or that it’s not a sign of weakness and that we should be treated as equals to physical pain, we should be taken seriously... I don’t really know, there are so many things haha

#asks #lara #games

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new-sandrafilter · 5 years

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True Romance: Saoirse Ronan and Timothée Chalamet on reuniting for Little Women

They may be posing in an airy lower Manhattan studio, but Timothée Chalamet and Saoirse Ronan have a way of making you feel right at home. “I made a little playlist this morning,” Chalamet announces to the room. He syncs up his cell phone to the sound system, his boyish grin widening as Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On” starts blaring. He returns to the camera, which snaps him and Ronan at a furious pace.

It’s their first joint cover shoot. He’s wearing a shimmery striped shirt with high-waist trousers; she’s rocking a shirtdress, fishnet stockings, and clear stilettos. He keeps cracking her up; she musses his hair with doting affection. During a break that follows, he wanders, gripping a paper bag stuffed with assorted bagels — from Tompkins Square Bagels, which Chalamet, a lifelong New Yorker, insists are the best in the city — and offering one to anyone in his path. He sings and dances — very Elio-in-the-town-square-like — to Bob Dylan’s “Tombstone Blues.” He creeps behind a distracted Ronan before spooking her with a yelp. “I didn’t even know you were there!” she exclaims, reddening from the fright but with a smile so lovingly at ease, you sense she’s used to the prank.

They’ve known each other, after all, for some time. About three years ago, Ronan, now 25, and Chalamet, 23, met filming Lady Bird, Greta Gerwig’s solo directorial debut, in which Ronan’s irrepressible heroine (briefly) romances Chalamet’s douchey amateur musician. They reunited with Gerwig last year, on the heels of Lady Bird’s Oscar-nominated success, for a bigger undertaking: a remake of the oft-remade Little Women (Dec. 25). Ronan and Chalamet slipped into the roles of tomboyish Jo March and buoyant Theodore “Laurie” Laurence, best friends who ultimately break each other’s hearts. Their courtship ranks among American culture’s oldest tales of unrequited love — made indelible by Katharine Hepburn and Douglass Montgomery, Winona Ryder and Christian Bale, and so many others — yet finds, in the hands of two of the most compelling actors of their generation, galvanizing new life.

That goes, in fact, for the whole of Gerwig’s Little Women. Her version certainly contains the snow-globe coziness of treasured adaptations past, but also carries a fizzy emotional authenticity and attention to detail. The film is remarkably lived-in, too: This take on Louisa May Alcott’s 1868 novel, which follows Jo and her three sisters pre– and post–American Civil War, feels plucked straight from the text in the best way, with siblings fighting like siblings, love and loss and hope and pain vividly experienced on screen.

Ronan and Chalamet’s charming big sister–little brother dynamic is not unlike the one that Jo and Laurie share in Little Women. Watch the actors play off one another, and the film’s tender realism clarifies itself: Their on-camera intimacy is just as palpable behind the scenes. Indeed, after shooting Lady Bird for a few weeks, the pair hung out regularly over the next year, making the awards-circuit rounds and scoring lead-acting Oscar nominations — Ronan for Lady Bird, Chalamet for Call Me by Your Name — before swiftly signing on to Little Women. In advance of filming in Concord, Mass. (the actual setting of the book), Gerwig and producer Amy Pascal gathered the large production’s cast and crew for rehearsals at a house just outside the town. For Ronan and Chalamet, the contrast between this and their early Lady Bird days was immense. “I felt very prideful… about how big it had gotten, how many people were there,” Chalamet recounts. “On Lady Bird it was, like, 25 people hanging out in a house!”

They fell back into each other’s rhythms instantly. “He keeps me on my toes — I’m never quite sure what he’s going to do next,” Ronan says. “That only progressed more and grew more. It helped that we do have a very natural rapport with each other…. These two characters physically need to be very comfortable with one another. They’re literally intertwined for half the film.” Chalamet adds: “In the least clichéd way possible, it really doesn’t feel like [I’m] acting sometimes [with her].”

Chalamet credits Gerwig, too, for establishing a playful, comfortable atmosphere. He thinks back to his first day of rehearsal: He reunited with Ronan. He introduced himself to Emma Watson (who plays the eldest March sister, Meg). He was guided into a third-floor conference room of a “random building” where, “all of a sudden, there was a full dance class going on.” He recalls fondly: “Everyone breaks down and becomes a little kid. This job is so trippy in that regard — you want to be serious, you want to be professional, and then it’s almost best when you’re able to be 12 years old. When it’s someone you’re actually friends with, it makes it easier.”

Ronan smirks, gearing up for a jab: “We’re not friends!” Delighted, Chalamet keeps the bit going. “We’re not friends,” he says, solemnly. For once, they’re not very convincing.

Greta Gerwig doesn’t remember a time before she knew Jo March. “[Little Women] was very much part of who I always was,” the writer-director, 36, says. “It was something my mother read to me when I was growing up. It’s been with me for a very long time.”

She joined Sony Pictures’ new Little Women adaptation when she was hired to write the script in 2016. Once Lady Bird bowed the next year, she emerged as a candidate to direct the film. “Greta had a very specific, energized, kind of punk-rock, Shakespearean take on this story,” Pascal says. “She came in and had a meeting with all of us and said, ‘I know this has been done before, but nobody can do it but me.’” She got the gig.

In her approach, Gerwig drew on her lifelong relationship with Little Women; beyond childhood, she discovered new, complex layers to the novel, and in turn to Alcott’s legacy. “As a girl, my heroine was Jo March, and as a grown lady, my heroine is Louisa May Alcott,” she says. It’s perhaps why Gerwig’s Little Women feels like the most adult — and modern — version of the story that’s reached the screen to date. The movie begins with the March sisters in adulthood — typically where the narrative’s second half begins — and unfolds like a memory play, shifting back and forth between that present-day frame and extended flashbacks to the childhood scenes etched in the American literary canon.

In that, Gerwig finds fascinating, fresh areas of exploration regarding women’s lives: the choices society forces them to make, the beauty and struggles of artistic pursuit, the consequences of rebellion. Jo’s journey as a writer anchors Gerwig’s direction; tempestuous Amy (Florence Pugh) gets more of a spotlight as she matures as a painter (and Laurie’s eventual wife); and Meg is realized with newfound nuance: “We felt it was important to show Meg juggling all her roles — a mother, a wife, a sister — whilst also celebrating her dreams, despite them being different to those of her sisters,” says Watson. But Gerwig doesn’t see herself as reinventing the wheel. “A lot of the lines in the film are taken right from the book,” she explains. “When Amy says, ‘I want to be great or nothing’ — she says that in the book! I don’t think we remember that, but she does say it.” Gerwig also loves one line spoken by the sisters’ mother, Marmee (Laura Dern), also revived in this version: “I’m angry almost every single day.”

Gerwig compiled a “bible” filled with cultural references: to Whistler tableaux of family life, to David Bowie–Jean Seberg hairdos that inspire the look of Jo’s mid-film cut, to Alcott family letters. “I wanted it to be footnote-able,” Gerwig says. “I wanted to point to it and say, ‘This is where this is from.’” She considers Alcott’s text sacred: “I wanted to treat the text as something that could be made fresh by great acting.”

Beyond those charged but less quoted Little Women lines are its famous ones — throw-pillow staples like Jo’s “Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,” that no adaptation is complete without. The actors rehearsed these “almost like a song,” pushing to move through them with a rapid musicality. “We [read] the book out loud,” says Dern. Gerwig expected the script’s words to be memorized precisely. “I knew I wanted them to get this cadence that felt sparkly and slightly irreverent,” she says. “I wanted to make them move at the speed of light.”

She poured the same love into iconic scenes, like Jo and Laurie’s ebullient dance that follows their first meeting. Here it goes on longer — and more vibrantly — than in any previous iteration. (Ronan says they filmed it at 3 a.m., to boot, adding, “We must have done it, like, 30 times.”) Then there’s the devastating moment when Laurie asks Jo to marry him and she rejects his proposal. Gerwig tasked the two actors to unleash here. “Emotions just bubble over,” Ronan says. “[Greta] just let us go with it, wherever it went, from take to take. What I loved about that scene is that every take would be different emotionally. It didn’t have the same trajectory.

“The two of us, it’s a relationship I have with no other director,” Ronan continues. “She makes me feel like I can try anything.”

As Ronan and Chalamet emerge from their photo-studio dressing area in impossibly chic new ensembles — she donning a form-fitting knit sweater, he a silky, ruffled top — their creative energy fills the space. They try out different poses, debating concepts and ideas with each other on the fly; at one point he wraps his arms around her waist, and she quips to no one in particular, “We’re expecting our first.” Camera snap.

They’re modeling a new brand of movie stardom — pursuing projects with a point of view, adamantly being themselves in the public eye, subverting gender norms. Their androgynous fashion performance here reflects their wardrobe shake-ups in Little Women: Gerwig and Oscar-winning costumer Jacqueline Durran (Anna Karenina) had the two actors swapping clothes throughout filming, to reinforce the masculine-feminine fluidity between Jo and Laurie. “They are two halves,” as Pascal puts it. “These are really bold characters that are really different than you’ve seen them before.”

And just as Gerwig expressed a need to direct Little Women, Ronan knew in her bones she needed to play Jo. She’d first encountered the story via the 1994 film when she was 11, and later read the book, feeling an immediate kinship with the young woman she’d come to portray. “When Louisa describes Jo, it felt like someone describing me physically: sort of gangly and stubborn and very straightforward, and went for what she wanted.” At an event for Lady Bird, she — in a very Jo kind of way — just “went at it” by approaching Gerwig. “I said, ‘So I want to be in Little Women, but only if I’m playing Jo.’” (Chalamet, for his part, was asked by Gerwig, “Hey, want to do another movie?” He responded: “Yes. Yes, please.”)

Over months of living in Concord with her castmates, Ronan discovered new depths within herself: “Jo’s ethos is ‘Everything everyone else is doing, I’m going to do the opposite.’ [I had] to try things that I’d never tried before. Be a bit messier with a performance.” Gerwig set up etiquette lessons for the cast; whatever the instructor said (“Don’t shake hands! Don’t gesticulate with your arms!”), Ronan made sure to ignore it. She speaks now of this as freeing, even transformative. “I felt like I had tapped into something I’d never gotten the opportunity to tap into before, or I just didn’t have the guts to tap into myself,” she says. “Finding that was just amazing.”

Shortly after wrapping Little Women, she filmed Wes Anderson’s next film, The French Dispatch — marking her third time costarring with Chalamet, who plays a central role. As for now? Ronan is taking a little break. “I’ll wait for the right thing to come along,” she says. “It’s lovely to be in a position at this moment where I can wait for the absolute right thing.” Same goes for Chalamet — he shot Netflix’s The King (out Oct. 11) right before Little Women and just completed production on Denis Villeneuve’s Dune adaptation. “It’s the first time in almost two years I’ve gotten a breath, so I’m savoring it.”

It’s been a long day. They’re back in comfy clothes; Ronan is taking a late lunch. It feels like both actors — as another whirlwind of acclaim and press and romance-shipping awaits — are at a kind of peace, exhausted but satisfyingly so. Little Women is the biggest movie either has done to date; more attention, as they inhabit such revered characters, is sure to follow. “I just haven’t thought about it that way,” Ronan admits. “Maybe because it’s just Greta — even though it’s on a much bigger scale, she wanted it to feel like Lady Bird.”

Ronan understands the timeless power of Little Women, of course: “It’s as important to tell Little Women right now as it would be at any point in our lifetime.” She points to this pop culture climate of “celebrating female friendships and sisterhood,” and continues, “It’s a story that’s full of love. That will always be relevant.”

She turns toward Chalamet, and you realize the love they brought to Alcott’s classic is what first blossomed between them on Lady Bird. “I love that in Lady Bird, you broke my heart,” she says to him softly. “In Little Women, I got to break your heart.” (Chalamet, ever the goofball, finds an obvious opening: “Yes, that’s true. Then I married your sister. Ha, ha, ha!”)

If this all sounds a little idyllic, well, neither actor — nor Gerwig, nor Pascal, nor the rest of the cast — can do much to convince you otherwise. Shifting back to Little Women’s timelessness, and reflecting on Ronan’s comments about it, Chalamet says, “I don’t know how to add to that.” Instead he turns back to his costar, his expression suddenly sincere, filled with gratitude. “But if I can add one little dose of information,” he says with a nervous laugh. “And not just because she’s sitting next to me.” He credits Ronan with bringing that “timeless energy.” He says “thank God” they were able to make the movie. “It’s so rare with Saoirse — I’m so f—ing grateful to get to work with her,” he says. “Whatever book I write for myself when I’m older, to look back on —” He stops himself. “Well, this is a bigger conversation.”

But Ronan, chuckling, doesn’t let him off the hook. “Will I have, like, a chapter?” And Chalamet laughs — another opening, another chance to act with his greatest scene partner, to see what journey of creation and discovery they’ll go on next. “A chapter of Saoirse,” he says.

At this rate, one chapter won’t suffice.

#timmy #timothee chalamet #saoirse ronan #little women

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #310

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up.”

Do you have a clock in your room? No. What book, movie, TV show, or video game have you been wanting to start up? I *want* to read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but I care more about reading Wings of Fire, so I probably realistically won't for a long time. I don't read enough for that; Sutherland will surely keep pumping out books in the series so I'll never catch up, haha. As for a movie, I've been interested in seeing Jacob's Ladder for a very long time; it served as a very large influence on the Silent Hill series, and boy, anyone who brings up video games in front of me knows SH is my SHIT. I also just know I'm bound to like it with how essentially legendary it is in the psychological horror genre, which is my favorite. Onto TV show, I'm not certain. Shows don't really interest me. I would like to keep watching A:TLA w/ Sara, but "start up" implies beginning something new, so. Lastly, video games. There are a LOT of games I want to play, but yeah, I have no operational gaming console above a PS2. I'm dyinnnngggggg to play a ton of PS4 remasters (namely the original Spyro the Dragon trilogy and SoTC), but as for a fresh game I've never experienced, Ico, which is from the same producers of Shadow of the Colossus. It's an old game, and Mom's bought it off of Ebay for me twice, but neither disc worked - they froze only minutes into the game. It's hella expensive in new condition though because of its age... so who knows when I'll actually get to play it. Do you put anything else on your grilled cheese sandwiches? Just butter. Have you ever read a book in a different language? I've read some simple fairy tales as well as the play Faust in German courses. Do you want to go to the Harry Potter theme park at Universal? I have no connection with the franchise, but I mean, I'd go if you're paying, haha. If you had a secret room in your house, how would you decorate it? I'm trying to think what kind of room I'd keep a secret... Ha, actually, IF my love of tarantulas expands so largely to having dozens (which I doubt, but I acknowledge the possibility once I get my own place), a room kept on the down low to others just for them would be pretty cool. Imagine someone not knowing they're sharing a house with like, a hundred Ts, haha. As for actual decor, I'm unsure. I'd definitely keep it generally dark for them as nocturnal creatures, maybe with some Halloween decorations, like lots of fake webbing and neon green or orange lights. Man... that sounds dope. What did you get your dad for his last birthday? I couldn't buy him anything, nor did I actually make anything since I didn't know what to create. I just told him happy birthday, of course. Do any of your relatives live in another country? No. Are you claustrophobic? In some spaces, yes. Ever seen Blair Witch? Without spoilers, you know "that part" near the end? Yeah, if you've seen it, you know. That would be a fucking NIGHTMARE for me. Even watching it made me squirm. When grocery shopping, do you usually buy brand names or store brand? With most items anyway, we just get the store brand bc we cheap. Around what time do you usually eat dinner? Generally between 5:30-6:30 nowadays. Do you have any clothing that you get dry cleaned? No. Do you like foods with coconut in it? Eugh, not a coconut fan. I don't hate it as much as I used to, but I still don't like it. Have you ever researched your family history? No, but some past relative researched our family tree. Have you ever had surgery that kept you in the hospital for over a day? No. Do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? I hate carrots. Did you play with Legos as a kid? Nah, I was more into Lincoln Logs. Which bothers you more… spelling mistakes or bad grammar? It really depends on the severity and simplicity of the spelling or grammar rule. Grammatical misuse of "there/their/they're" stand out very strongly to me, though. Have you ever bought anything off of eBay? Yeah, a good number of things. Is anybody in your family schizophrenic? If so, what is their life like? I have a scizophrenic half-sister that I've never met, so I couldn't tell you. How organized is your mind? How do you know it's organized/disorganized? My mind is running Windows '98 with multiple windows and even more tabs open, all of them not responding. :^) Why do you follow the religion that you do? I don't follow one. My personal religious journey was a train wreck liberating to jump off of. Do you feel superior to others because you're that religion? I don't care if you're atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Islamic, whatever - you are by no means superior to another person in any way just because you believe different things happen once you die. If you do, it's time for some introspection. Are you a blind believer, or do you frequently challenge your own beliefs? Seeing as I went from Catholic to Christian to briefly Neo-Pagan-ish to what I am now, just believing there's some higher power/knowledge and some form of sentience after death, I obviously challenge them. What's the greatest thing about science? Life itself. This universe, this planet, your state of just knowing is a product of science, and that's pretty damn beautiful. Are you emotional or very stolid? I know I'm too emotional. I'm trying to get better about it. Do your siblings look like you? To a degree, but not NEARLY as much as they look like each other. Ashley and Nicole have been mistaken multiple times in their lives and even asked if they're twins. How many states have you lived in? Just this shitty one. How many states have you traveled through/vacationed in? Traveled through, a whole lot. Up and down the east coast. I've stayed in New York, Florida, Ohio, Illinois, South Carolina briefly, and I think possibly Michigan as a baby. Which state was/is your favorite? I don't know. Not NC, haha. You have two weeks alone in any place in the world; where would you go? Alone? Um... I dunno. I'd get lonely through two weeks in absolute isolation. How old were you when you first moved out of your parents' home? I want to say I was 18 when I briefly "moved in" with Jason and our roommates. Did you ever have to move back in? Yeah; the apartment didn't last very long. None of us were ready. How old were you when you thought you were "in love" for the first time? I was in love at 16. I'd fight God literally for eternity to prove that fact. How many exterior doors are in your home? Two, or maybe three, depending on your outlook. We have like this deck in the back with a roof and mesh separating you from the outside, and then you properly go into the yard from the door beyond that. How many cars have you owned? I myself, none. How many email accounts do you have? Ummmm my very first one I misspelled, so I didn't use it long before making a new one with the correct spelling, then later I had no choice but to make a Gmail to use YouTube, and I know I've had at least one email specifically for school. I'm probably forgetting some other oldies I used for small things. What was the last movie you watched alone? The Shining. What (if any) one television program do you watch religiously every day/week? None. What (if any) is your favorite sport? Dance. Scoff at that shit and then try one dance session and tell me it's not one. What is your favorite musical? None. Have you ever seen a live opera production? No. Dressing up for an evening out: Pants or skirt? Pants. I don't show my legs. What do you currently hear right now? I'm listening to Dance With the Dead's "The Man Who Made a Monster." I LOVE the aesthetic of synthwave and rock mixed together, but the only problem I have with this song is that it's very repetitive. Still stuck in my head though, haha. What type of survey do you refuse to take? I'm not into bolding surveys, specifically. Do you like to run? bitch fuck no Do you think you could run the mile in 10 minutes? Zero chance. What was the longest movie you watched? Hm, I don't remember... It's faintly there in my head, I just can't identify it... Have you ever been to a job interview? Well yeah. Who was the last person to call you? My psychiatrist. Now that I'm doing the partial hospitalization program again, he calls once a week. When was the last time you talked to your last ex boyfriend? Uhhh I think around the start of this month? Missed him and felt like chatting for a bit. Is your dog mixed or full? I don't have a dog, buuuut... we're getting one soon! I'm quite sure she's a mutt. What was the last thing you and your mother did together? Rode to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Do you take good pictures? I like to think so. What is your display picture on myspace/facebook right now? The most recent selfie I took and liked. I'm finally comfortable using makeupless photos as a display picture. :') Not that I like my body by any means, I just don't care enough to feel like I HAVE to wear makeup to be even remotely pretty in the face. As for everywhere else... ahahaha. What is going on outside right now? It's raining. Like it has been for what feels like literally weeks - and it might actually have been. There's been one or two sunny days in a huge streak of just nothing but rain. It's so gross outside by now; we've been under a flood warning for days on end. Who was the last person you kissed? My best friend, but we were dating then. What color looks the best on you? Black. Have you ever bought the wrong size because you were too lazy to check it? Oh, absolutely. I LOATHE trying on clothes. You have to essentially drag me to go do it. I don't have a good reason other than I don't want to, lol. What was the last thing you bought over 5 dollars? I put down the deposit on my tattoo. c: Do you have any mag subscriptions? No. What is something you're not scared of but a lot of people are? Snakes are probably the highest on the list. I adore snakes, all snakes. Would you ever have a threesome? No; I'm strictly monogamous and to me would be cheating even if your partner was in on it. Are you an U.S. citizen? Yep. Do you have any step siblings? I have a stepbrother, yeah, but I don't see him as my brother, honestly. He's a very quiet and reclusive guy I've had almost no conversations with, and they've only ever been short. Do they annoy you? Nah, he's fine. How many times a day do you talk to your mom on the phone? Well, we live together... What did you wear yesterday? The same pjs I'm in now. I'm changing when I take a shower later. The tank top is a Day of the Dead-esque skull pattern, while the pants are mostly navy with skulls and candy can crossbones that say "nice until proven naughty" arching over and beneath them. They were a Christmas gift from my sis and are really soft and comfortable. Really don't care that it's now out of season, I wear them anyway. I do not match colors AT ALL, but again, I don't care. What color straightener do you have? We don't have one; neither Mom or I use one. Do you listen to music really loud or really low? Turn that shit up LOUD. I'll be nearly deaf one day, but... worth it? lol Do you live with anybody other than your siblings and your parents? No. Both my sisters have moved out. I'm still here because I'm just not emotionally or financially equipped to live on my own yet. Who was your last crush? I still like my best friend, but agree with her that right now isn't the time for anything. How many tattoos do you have? Currently only six. :( What is your favorite thing to do? Car rides with Mom while I ride passenger, controlling the music nice and loud with my iPod. It's odd, considering I'm very afraid of being on the road, but it's just such a freeing, wild feeling to blare music and just go, letting your mind wander. How many pets do you own? I only have a cat and a snake right now, but we're getting a dog hopefully very soon, preferably today actually when Mom has to go to the appropriate city for her normal check-up to keep her cancer at bay. Her name is Vanna and sounds so perfect for us. Mom can barely wait. Are you close with your parents? Yes, very, Mom especially. Where do you shop the most for your clothes? Hot Topic or Wal-Mart. I'd really like more stuff from Rebel's Market; they have such a wide range of stuff that just scream my aesthetic. I got my purse from there, and it's fantastic quality and so cool-looking. Have you ever read a whole series of books? Well, one trilogy that I remember: Shiloh. I adored those books and the movies. I got very, very deep into Warriors by Erin Hunter, but then my interest in reading waned, and I'm immensely behind. I don't think I'll pick it up again, but I've thought briefly about it. When you tell someone you love them do you mean it? Yes. Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up? I walked. Do you ever eat anything everybody else thinks is gross? Hm, perhaps. I'd have to think for a while. What did you do for your last birthday? I just ate pizza at home with my one sister that was free that day, Mom, and a family friend, as well as opened presents. What do you plan on doing for your 18th birthday? I don't recall, but I think that may have been when I was in the psych hospital. Or was that my 21st? I don't remember. Do you have to type with good grammer? Yes. I type pretty much exactly how I talk. What is your favorite quote? It's hard to pick one singular favorite. Are you allowed to cuss in front of your parents? Dad could care less, but I try to limit myself with Mom, especially with "fuck." She's not a fan, nor does she like if I just swear too much in front of her. Like she won't yell at me or anything, she just makes it clear she wants me to stop. How long was your last phone conversation? Just a couple minutes. I didn't get the Zoom link to group therapy one day and let the place know. Turns out their email was fucking up. Which one of your friends annoy you? The family friend I mentioned a few questions above has the ability to be incredibly aggravating. I love her, but she has zero issue with inserting herself into everything (and sometimes we just don't want to see her), and she voices incredibly rude opinions literally no one asks for a whoooole lot. She's got a strong tendency to try to take control over every situation. Her being our landlord now makes it harder to speak up, and besides, no one wants to hurt her feelings. Don't be mistaken though, she truly is an incredible person with a heart more caring than probably any person I know. Have you ever lost a close friend to death? No, thank fuck. I mean, I think. I do believe one of my childhood online friends committed suicide because of sexual abuse from her own fucking brother, but I guess I'll never know. She was talking to me one night horribly depressed and scared and then just vanished. Bless her, I loved her. Do you know someone who suffers from addiction? Yes. Do you have a lot of pictures in your room? Tons of posters and artwork, anyway. I currently don't have any photographs, but I got this shadowbox thing for my bday to decorate with pictures of Teddy so I can use it in my "tribute shrine" or whatever for him, and I'd also like to frame the picture of Sara's and my first hug and maybe put it on my bedside table. Do you have Facebook? Yeah, I do. Have you ever found a dog/cat on the side of the road? I myself, no, but a friend's mom did find two poor kittens thrown aside in a fucking plastic bag... Some people are abominable. Knowing how much my family loved cats, she reached out to us, and we took them in and named them Aphrodite and... I can't remember the other's name. She disappeared kinda early. Aphrodite wound up being one of my most beloved cats and was even the mother of a kitten that same family adopted. Delilah is still alive, doing wonderfully, and incredibly loved. <3 Aphrodite, meanwhile, as well as all our other cats at the time, were taken by animal control because our neighbors were tired of them wandering, even though they were too fucking cowardly to confront us first. I've said in many surveys that I am very much against outdoor cats, but I wasn't then because I was uninformed and really didn't understand. I wailed and sobbed and just pure shrieked like a banshee outside when we came home to learn they were taken. I have no clue how any are now, and that's the worst part. Do you go bowling in your town? We are in the middle of a pandemic, lol. Even beforehand though, I rarely went. Last time I did was on a date with Girt. We had fun. Do you have a drive-in theater? No sir. What brand is your favorite shoe? Converse. Is your best friend's mom like your own? They're quite similar, yes. Both are very sweet and caring for others. Do you have anxiety or depression? Try both. What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic. Do you own a pair of brass knuckles? Nah. Have you and your friends ever made up a word? Likely as kids. Do you have any embarrassing baby pictures of yourself? Not that I know of. What is the worst smell in the world? Anyone remember that survey I took mentioning my dog's old tumor? Yeah, that after he spent overnight in a diaper and inevitably peed himself in his old age. And he had a UTI. You probably can't even imagine how fucking vomit-inducing that smell was. Do you dye your hair a lot? No. :/ I really wish. I have so many colors I wanna try. Do you have anybody in your family who rides dirtbikes/fourwheelers? Not really? No one in my family owns one. My younger sister would totally go if you asked her and had one for her to use, though. She's done it plenty before. Have you ever rode a dirtbike/fourwheeler? Yeah, a fourwheeler, and it's really fun! Tell me how you got one of your scars? Hmmm, let's think of a unique one. Ah, my shins, left one especially. When I shave my legs, they get unbelievably itchy, even if I use lotion, and I would scratch my skin absolutely raw so often that I have permanent scars. It's partially why I barely shave my legs anymore. Have you ever had a friend who cut themselves? I know many, sadly. I don't know of any that still do, thankfully. I promise, it never helps. If you ever have the urge, I can't suggest enough running where you want to self-harm under cold water or slap the location (like your wrist) with a rubber band. The latter is especially helpful. It's a similar burning sensation and doesn't leave marks. It would help me refrain sometimes. What is your favorite thing to do in the summer? Swim in a nice, warm pool. Otherwise, become a hermit and wait for the outdoors to not be prepared to melt the flesh off my bones. x_x Do you go tanning or do you lay out? Neither, ugh. As you can guess from above, I hate the sensation of heat on me. What is your favorite skin lotion? I just really like cocoa butter. Smells really good and is perfectly moisturizing. Do you use a lot of hair products? The only hair product I use is shampoo, haha. Do you have a cousin you dislike? No. Well, one is incredibly brainwashed and misled by her psychopath of a father, but I love her nonetheless. We talk now and again because family is important to her. Have you ever heard Theory of a Deadman? Yeah, they're good. What is your comfort food? Absolutely ice cream. Who is your celebrity crush? Mark Fischbach/Markiplier is a perfect human being with the looks of a god and heart of a saint and you cannot convince me otherwise. What’s the song you most wish you had written? "Imagine" by John Lennon is a high contendant, for sure. Definitely something I'd write. Have you ever been stuck by someone very annoying on a plane/bus/etc? I think so at one point or another. Did you get lost at all on your first day of high school? Ha, for sure. Have you ever been interrupted during sex? A bitch knows how to act asleep if she hears a door so much as barely squeak, I'll tell you that much lmaooo. Have you ever been recorded doing stupid things while drunk? No. Has a significant other ever called you by the wrong name? No. Have you ever cooked anything and it turned out horrible? I've barely actually cooked anything in order TO fuck up. Have you ever made a bad first impression on someone’s parents? I can't say with certainty, but I think Jason's mom had her doubts about me at first because she commented on the ripped jeans I wore when I went to his house for the first time. She came to love me like her own though, and I love(d) her. I was actually just thinking about her and how she's doing the other day. What is a food that you always are in the mood to eat? Always? Perhaps sour candy, like Sour Punch Straws in specific. Ever held a newborn animal? Many kittens, yes. Do you make a wish when you blow out your birthday candles? I do, but just for the annual appeal of it. I don't actually believe it will have any effect on what I wished, it's just... normal, ig. What is the last thing you searched for online? Medical coding classes. Having trouble finding any free ones that are actually legit... Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when it's hot in your room? It's borderline impossible. Do you dunk your cookies in milk? Sometimes, and almost always with Oreos. Do medical terms make you uncomfortable? Ha, speaking of medical coding... No, not really. It's unnerving to hear "you have _____," but I understand it can be something so, so minor. Of course, it could be the exact opposite, but. I also actually find it quite interesting to learn the Latin roots of the terms. Are you afraid of failure? Beyond measure. Have you been called a bad influence? Yes, to my former friend's son. Not that that witch of a woman was a great person. I'd love to know how an infant can be negatively affected by receiving nothing but love from his "aunt," also having no concept of understanding about me being unemployed and not very "adult-ish" in general, which I'm sure is what she meant. Normally judgment hits me deep, but that shit I just rolled my eyes at.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''bottom is a rock'' by mother mother

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Hot as hell and no A/C, Chapter 1 (Branjie) - Blackhighheels

Read at AO3

When a new dance teacher comes to “the friendly community” in the middle of nowhere, he doesn’t expect to run into a cute blonde local, who always helps out his deeply religious family and might just be…. gay. And really deep in the closet.

AN:

Please not that while this is a romance, the topics of religion, (internalized) homophobia, depression and stereo types will be heavily featured in this story. If these trigger you in any way, then please don’t read!

Thanks to all the different people who gave me input in the first chapter and helped me out!

Chapter 1

”Shit, Thacks, look! We so far out in the middle of fucking nowhere, not even the ad signs get used.” Jose says to his cat, who is lying in the passenger’s seat looking up at him with a bored expression before he simply goes back to sleep.

They had left Los Angeles nearly two days ago and have been on the road ever since. They both like it that way and Jose takes the car, and the cat, wherever he can. Even if it’s the middle of bum-fuck nowhere, Texas. For the last three hours he’s driven through vast stretches of absolutely nothing. Even the desert between LA and Vegas might be more populated than this never ending green emptiness.

He’s close, though. There are houses now, farms, the orchards. Pick-up trucks pass him from time to time. There are horses out on the paddocks, cows out grazing, dogs running around and kids chasing after them.

‘Welcome to the friendly community’ Jose reads, as he passes the sign that tells him he’s finally reached his destination. There’s also something on it about a corn festival, but he’d rather not think about that too much.

The one street through town leads him past a liquor store, a gas station, a couple of derelict buildings of which one of them might be an open bar. Another gas station follows after a car shop, silos and what looks like a small grocery store. Then there’s only silos and farms and nothingness again. Fuck, he must have driven past it.

Once the tractor behind him has passed, he turns the car around and drives back. After he passes the welcome sign again, he realises he has no fucking clue where he is supposed to go. Navigation had stopped working about fifty miles back.

”This is some fucked up shit, Thacks. I can’t even find the motherfucking studio.” Thackery just yawns and gives a pointed look to his cellphone. ”You right, I’m a dumb ho. I should just call Jason before these howdy motherfuckers shoot my gay ass.”

He dials and it takes forever until his friend picks up his phone. It feels even longer because cars that pass him start honking and the children playing on the other side of the road eye him suspiciously. He is painfully aware that his shiny black Porsche Cayenne is just as much out of place here as he is himself.

”Hey, Jo, what’s up? Where you at?”

”Child, if only I knew. I passed some dumbass sign about a corn festival twice now but I can’t find your fucking place.””Oh ok, if you mean the welcome sign, then you’re on the wrong side of town. Just follow the road until you pass the colourful little bakery on the left and the cemetery on the right. Then there’s nothing except some farms for about another ten minutes. And then you can see my dancing studio on the right. It’s the biggest building around, you can’t miss it, cowboy.”

”Alright, then Imma be there in a few. You better have a drink ready for me, now that I know where I’ll spend the next eight fucking weeks.”

Jason just laughs. ”Girl, you’ll love it here, I swear! And could you stop by Smith’s and bring some bread? Tell Ada it’s for me and she’ll know which one, ok?”

”That the grocery story that looks like the roof will come down? With the bright blue, ugly ass door?”

”Don’t be such an L.A. bitch, Vanj’! I swear, y’all gonna love it here!”

”I wouldn’t bet on it, asshole. I doubt there’s any gay dicks around to suck to make up for this shitty town, cause yours sure as hell doesn’t count for me. See ya!”

Once more, he turns the car around and drives past what Jason considers to be a town. Although the old, dirty green pick-up truck in front of him that just off the road suddenly and drives over the fields and grass makes it painfully obvious that this is no fucking town.

When he gets out of the car in front of the grocery store he notices that it’s really warm and the air smells like the blossoming trees that are all around. In contrast, the shop smells like freshly baked bread which makes his mouth water. It’s been a while since he’s eaten.

”Hey, y’all. Can I help you?” a woman comes up to him. It’s hard to tell how old she is, but her hair is badly dyed red, her clothes are old and worn, but clean. She has a friendly smile and very pretty blue eyes. The most remarkable thing about her, though, is her huge, pregnant stomach.

”Hey,” Jose smiles at her and tries to control what comes out of his mouth for once. If he gets into trouble here for running his mouth he’s fucked. ”Jason sent me. Told me to tell Ada he needs some bread. You Ada?”

”Yeah, I am.” She waddles away and signals him to follow her. ”You a friend of Jason’s ?” There’s something in the way she says it, that makes him bite his tongue for a second.

”Yeah, I’m here to teach the spring dance class.” Better keep it professional.

”Oh lord, then you’re Vanjie, right?” she seems really excited all of a sudden. ”My daughter Rachel is a big fan of yours and’ll be attending the workshop. She’s been looking forward to it for weeks!”

Jose wrinkles his forehead, because his workshops are for kids ten and up. ”So that’s not number one?” he asks and points to her pregnant belly.

Ada laughs loudly. ”No, that’s number seven.”

”Seven? Y’all must know how to keep busy around here.” He freezes when he stops to think about what he just said. But then Ada laughs as she passes him the bread.

”We just believe in accepting what the lord gives to us. However many kids he will bless us with, that’s how many we will have.”

Jose doesn’t really know what to say to that, so he just hands her some money for the bread. ”Thanks, Miss Ada. See ya ‘round.”

Thackery greets him with a head-bump when he gets back into the car. ”Yeah, you better be glad I’m still alive, bitch. This town is no joke.” He pulls out of the gravel parking space and back onto the road.

Jason hadn’t lied when he’d said his building was the biggest around. Also the newest, most modern and probably the only one with air-conditioning, by the looks of it.

”Miss Vanjie, you made it!” he greets him with a big smile and a hug. He looks like a fucking cowboy with his hat and the boots he is wearing.

”You better believe it. And bitch, you will owe me so fucking much, after this shit is over! ‘Cause, child, this town is way too hillbilly realness for my gay ass!”

***

‘… When the world’s all that it should be Blessed be your name. Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there’s pain in the offering. Blessed be your name.’ Brock hits the button to shut off his alarm clock and whatever crap the Christian Rock station plays in the very early hours of the morning. He doesn’t even really like the station, but he still doesn’t dare to change it. He’s had the same alarm clock with the same radio station since he was fifteen. Sometimes it feels like time stands still within his four walls.

Brock’s eyes already burn with fatigue, even though he hasn’t opened them yet. His arms and legs hurt, his head is pounding and the heaviness that settles in his body every second of every day hasn’t left during this short night’s sleep either.

He wants to sleep and stay in bed, just like every other day. And just like every other day he slowly sits up, grabs some clothes from the dresser and gets ready in the dark. He squints when the light from the porch light hits his eyes as he steps into the hallway. He tiptoes around because he doesn’t want to wake his parents, but the old wooden floorboards creak under his weight anyway. His parents, at least, should get a couple more hours of sleep, even if he can’t.

The cows come first, then the pigs. By the time he gets to the chicken, the sun is rising and the farm comes to life around him.

He takes a moment for himself when he sits down beside the barn door and pets one of the kittens, resting his head against the chipped wood of the door. The little guy has taken a liking to him and sometimes, when his mother isn’t watching he sneaks him into his room, so he has company as he reads or listens to music in the evenings.

With a loud sigh he gets back up after a while. He doesn’t have time to rest and he’s not really looking forward to another argument with his father when he’s barely awake yet.

”Good morning,” Brock greets his parents waiting at the breakfast table, pressing a kiss to his mother’s cheek.

”Morning, Brock. You’re going to say grace today?” she asks him.

”Sure,” he shrugs and sits down. He still feels like a little kid every time she asks this of him. If he had his way they would just start eating. ”Father, we praise You for the nourishment you provide. Thank You for meeting our physical needs of hunger and thirst. Forgive us for taking that simple joy for granted. Bless this food to fuel our bodies forward into your plan for our lives. We pray that we will be energised and be able to work for the glory or your kingdom. In Jesus’ name, amen.” He automatically recites the prayer, but feels nothing as he speaks these words.

”Amen,” his parents both say and Brock can finally eat something after slaving away at the farm for the last three hours.

”Brock, you’re gonna have to hurry up after driving the kids to school today. We have to get the barn roof fixed before the May storms come in.”

”I know. Just, Daniel needs me in the afternoon, so he can keep the deadline for the new annex at the Miller farm.” Since his brother started his construction business, Brock has spent more hours up on roofs than in his own room. But his brother needs his help, because he can’t afford to pay more workers at the moment.

”I need you back at four. Tell him I said so.” His father lays down the law as per usual. Brock just nods and puts his toast down. He’s not hungry anymore. Swallowing the last bite is painful and the familiar heaviness weighing on his chest even makes it hard to breathe.

The day has barely started and already it seems endless and draining. Just like every other damn day in his life. Sometimes, he wishes he could just leave and escape. Be someone else, someone who has some say over their own life and gets to do what he wants to do. Enjoy life just a bit more. Yet, it looks like that’s not the lord’s plan for him.

***

”Ruthie! Jonathan! Rachel! Uncle Brock is here!” Ada yells with a volume that one wouldn’t expect out of such a small woman.

Every morning when he stops by it’s absolute chaos. The kids can’t find their bags, their homework or their shoes. The younger ones forget to brush their teeth or their hair and the two older ones try and help their mother wrangle them all into the waiting cars, so they can go to school.

Before his sister got pregnant for the seventh time she was somehow able to do it on her own. But now that the school in town has closed and they all need to go to the one, one town over, it’s harder for Ada. She can barely fit behind the wheel anymore and she works too much anyway. Taking care of six kids, with one on the way, managing the household and working full-time at her own grocery store, while her husband is on the road making money as a truck driver, is hard.

Brock wishes they would just stop having kids. Six is too many already and he is scared to think of how many more will come after number seven.

”You ok, Brock? You look tired?” Ada asks him with a worried look in her eyes. He should be used to it by now, but he isn’t. He wishes he could tell her about how exhausted he feels, how trapped, how much his life sucks and how much he wants out.

”Sure. Just didn’t sleep too well.” He says instead and goes to find his nieces himself, just so he can get away from her and her dangerous questions.

Ada kisses each kid goodbye as they leave and he gets a kiss on the cheek as well, as she stays behind with the younger ones, that she will somehow watch at the same time as she works in the grocery store.

”Uncle Brock, guess what!” ten-year-old Rachel says as soon as they are on the road. She always gets to drive shotgun, because she likes to talk to him, while the rest is asleep again in the backseat.

”What?”

”No, guess, guess!” She is so excited she is bouncing in her seat.

”You have to give me a clue, Rach. Otherwise I don’t even know what exactly I’m supposed to guess.”

She sighs, but then gives in ”Ok. But only one!”

”Only one clue.” Brock nods and smiles a bit. He really loves her a whole lot and she always manages to warm his heart.

”It is about what I’ll do next week after school.”

”Uhm… you’ll meet your friends?”

”No.”

”You’ll study every day,” he teases her.

”No.”

”You’ll help grandpa fix the roof.”

”That’s for boys, dummy!” She giggles. ”Imma join Vanjie’s dance class! Momma said yes!”

”What’s Vanjie?”

”Not what, Uncle Brock, who! He is the bestest dancer who does all the choreography for like Rihanna and Ariana Grande.”

”You know you’re not supposed to listen to that kind of music, right?”

”They play it all the time at Jason’s dance studio. Momma knows that! And she said yes! I think Imma get an autograph from Vanjie!”

”Jason, of course.” Brock tries to keep his tone neutral. He can’t say that he likes Jason very much. It’s not so much that he’s gay - even though that’s wrong too. It’s more the fact that he has to shove it in people’s faces with the way he dresses and talks. Sometimes he has guys over that dress in women’s clothes and wear make up. It’s just… his father calls it an abomination. Still, Jason is a great dance teacher and the kids love him, and so does his niece. How much worse can thisVanjie be?

***

”Brock! Finally! I thought you’d be here by twelve!” Brock’s brother is already up on the roof, hammering away when he gets there.

”I wanted to, but a new shipment came in at the grocery store and I didn’t want Ada to carry the heavy boxes.”

”How is she? She popped already?” Daniel laughs and hands him the hammer. He takes it when he has found a more secure stand. Brock is afraid of heights and crawling up on roofs every day is not very high on the lists of things he likes to do. But his brother needs help and his family needs the money, so what choice does he have?

”She’s getting bigger every day, but still insists on doing most on her own. I just hope Jack comes back soon.”

”He’s the man, he needs to make the money,” Daniel shrugs. ”Once you get married, the days of just working a bit here and there will be over, too, my friend.” Daniel laughs, but Brock just wants to slap him. If they weren’t up on a damn roof without any safety equipment, he just might have. Instead he grabs a nail and hammers it in with as much force as he can. At least the work up here can be somewhat therapeutic.

He gets to the ninth nail when the head of the hammer flies off and scares Brock so much he nearly falls backward. The metal flies off and hits the ground, where gladly no one is standing.

”Shit! I thought you fixed the tools!” he snaps at his older brother.

”I did! You banging away like a madman doesn’t help. These are damn cheap tools. They’re not meant to be used every day to build houses and roofs.”

”Dan, this is dangerous! I could have killed someone with this! I could have hurt you or myself.”

”You think I don’t know that, Brock? What am I fucking supposed to do? Build me some tools myself?”

”Buy new ones!” Brock yells back. It’s not like anyone is around who could hear them up there.

”Do you have any idea what that shit costs? One roofing hammer costs about 50 bucks and I need at least 6 different ones, and that times two at least! And if I really wanna go somewhere with this business I’ll need a nail gun, too. That alone is nearly two grand. I don’t have that kind of money, kiddo. I have a family and obligations. Not like you!”

”Hey, I don’t have money either! I’ve been saving for months just so I can finally get my truck fixed.”

”So you do have money!”

”Dan… that car breaks down every couple of days and I need it.”

”You could just take ma’s old one.”

”That has no A/C and it’s too small. The kids don’t fit in there when I take them to school.”

”Brock, come on! I’ll pay you back, man.” Brock thinks for a second about just leaning back and letting himself fall. Well, not really.

Or?

Is he really a rotten person, because he doesn’t want to give his brother the money he carefully put aside, so he can finally get the necessary repair on his old car done? A car he desperately needs to drive to the several fields and orchards they have, drive his nieces and nephews back and forth from school and to their extra-curricular and also to get to his brother’s construction sites. And sometimes, just once in a blue moon, he needs the car to drive out into the middle of nowhere and scream out into the night and cry where no-one can see or hear him, so he doesn’t lose his mind.

”Fine. I only have 3 grand, though.” It’s his brother and he has to help him out. That’s what family does.

”Thanks, man! Now back to work so I can be home by dinner time. Lilly’s making stew tonight!”

Brock nods, grabs another hammer and lets out his frustration on the nails. There won’t be any stew for him once he is done here; only more work, more problems, more prayers, more self-doubts and guilt.

***

”Uncle Brock, you have to come in with me! Pleeeeease!” Rachel begs when they reach the dance studio. His plan was to go home and finally get some sleep, since he was up last night delivering a new fowl. His headache is nearly killing him and he probably shouldn’t even be driving, but how can he say no to his favorite niece?

”Fine. I just hope the music isn’t too loud.”

”It has to be loud, otherwise we can’t hear it when we dance,” she skips ahead and holds the door open for him.

It’s not loud music he hears, but a man yelling at TJ Johnson in a volume Brock didn’t think possible. His head pounds, but he can only stare in fascination.

”If you motherfucker ever come in here again and talk smack about mah friend, Imma kick your ugly hillbilly ass, you got me bitch?” he finishes the rant that seems to have gone on for a while if TJ’s dumbfounded expression is any indication. ”Fucking assholes in this motherfucking town.” The guy grumbles and turns around to face them. He’s not that tall, with brown hair, that is styled in some movie stars way, where half of it is missing in the back. He has brown eyes that are dark with anger and tan skin. Brock wonders what his ethnicity is. His arms are full of tattoos and his ears are pierced.

He’s beautiful.

”What the fuck are you staring at, bitch? You got something to say about Jason, too?” he barks at Brock, who can only shake his head as he keeps staring at him.

Then he’s gone, and has disappeared behind the door of the dancing studio.

”Uncle Brock, what does motherfucker mean?” Rachel looks up at him with wide eyes.

”That’s a very bad and nasty word, Rachel. I don’t ever want to hear it coming out of your mouth!” He becomes stern, which is rare.

”But Vanjie said it!”

”If that’s Vanjie then I should maybe talk to your mother, because I’m not sure I want you around this guy!” The pout on Rachel’s face makes him give in and let her join the class for today at least.

As angry and crude as Vanjie just was with TJ, he’s great to the kids, and they seem to have a blast. Brock watches the lesson through the glass window for a while, but at some point the too-warm, sticky air in the studio gets to him and he falls asleep.

***

”Hey there, sleeping beauty.” Brock opens his eyes and what he sees are two warm, sparkling brown eyes and a large smile.

”Hey,” he says and tries to shake himself awake.

”You ok there, Mary?”

”Yeah, sorry. I was up all night. One of our horses needed help with the birth,” he says, even though that much information isn’t needed at all. It’s not like he owes this guy any explanation. ”Lesson done?”

”Yeah, the kids are just changing. Here,” He hands him a cup of coffee that Brock accepts gratefully. ”You’re with Rachel, right”

”Yes.”

”She’s good.”

”Thanks.” He takes a sip of the coffee and doesn’t really know what else to say. He is surprised when the guy sits down beside him. He smells nice, like cologne and hairspray, even after the training lesson, which Brock finds surprising. However he can’t tell him that.

”I’m Jose.” He holds out his hand.

”You’re Mexican?” It’s curiosity not racism, and he hopes it won’t be mistaken as such.

”Nah, Puerto Rican.” Jose just laughs. ”And you are?” He is still holding out his hand.

”Brock.”

”Nice to meet you, Brock.” He shakes his hand and finds it warm and surprisingly soft. He knows his hands are rough and calloused from the work he does.

”So Vanjie isn’t your actual name?”

Jose snorts. ”Nah… just some stupid nickname given to me by one of my clients. I always made her go all Banjie girl in her videos and for her shows, and ‘cause part of my last name is Vasquez, she started calling me Vanjie. It just stuck.”

The explanation makes absolutely no sense to Brock, but nods anyway. Thankfully, though, he’s saved from saying more by the ringing of his phone.

”Hey Lily,” he greets his sister-in-law, but what she tells him makes his blood run cold. ”Yeah, stay there, I’ll be there as fast as I can,” he tells her and hangs up.

”Can you please get Rachel? My brother fell off a roof and was taken to the hospital. They need me there,” he asks of Jose, who runs off without saying anything. Brock gets up and runs his hands through his hair. This is not good. This could be… he doesn’t even want to think about it. Just the costs alone for the hospital will be too much, for all of them. He feels dizzy, and the room around him starts to spin.

”Hey, you look as white as a sheet. You sure you can drive?” The light touch of Jose’s hand on his arm stops the spinning for a moment. Should he drive? Probably not. He shouldn’t have driven here in the first place. But an hour to the next hospital with Rachel in the car? He’s still so tired. He doesn’t know when he has eaten last. And breathing is still hard.

”I…” he doesn’t know what to say, but he has no choice, really. He needs to get to the hospital.

”I’ll drive you, come on,” Jose is gone for a second and comes back with his wallet and car keys. He grabs Brock’s wrist and takes Rachel by the hand and leads them both outside. Brock doesn’t even know if the car is black or white, only that it smells like leather and cologne. Jose makes sure that everybody is buckled in before he takes off. It never crosses Brock’s mind to refuse the offer, because he’s just too overwhelmed by life at the moment.

Brock manages to give him directions, but otherwise just listens to Vanjie telling Rachel some funny stories to distract her and calm her down. Brock can’t laugh, though, because his mind is going way over speed limit, worrying and calculating already how much more he’ll have to work and what they’ll have to sell to pay for the hospital bills and take care of Daniel’s new business. He doesn’t allow himself to wonder how badly his brother might be injured. He wouldn't’ be able to take it at the moment.

TBC

#rpdr fanfiction #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #branjie #m/m au #slow burn #romance #angst #hot as hell and no ac #blackhighheels #tw religion #tw internalized homophobia #tw depression

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howaminotinthestrokesyet · 3 years

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Behind The Album: Metallica (The Black Album)

Metallica's fifth studio album was released in August 1991. They recorded it at One On One Studios in Los Angeles and Little Mountain Sound Studios in Vancouver with new producer Bob Rock. Once again, the majority of the record was composed by James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich as Hetfield wrote all of the lyrics. Kirk Hammett and Jason Newsted also contributed significantly by providing riffs including “Enter Sandman” and “My Friend of Misery.” Metallica decided to go with Bob Rock based on his production work with Motley Crue for their 1989 record, Dr. Feelgood. During the recording sessions, the band did something differently from previous efforts as they played as a group in the studio, not separately. James Hetfield talked about this change. "What we really wanted was a live feel. In the past, Lars and I constructed the rhythm parts without Kirk and Jason. This time I wanted to try playing as a band unit in the studio. It lightens things up and you get more of a vibe." The record took a much longer time to make when compared with their previous efforts beginning with the first demos in August 1990 and concluding in June 1991.

Producer Rock thought recording would be relatively easy, but due to arguments between him and other band members about the direction and quality of the music it became a bit of a disaster. He was highly critical of James Hetfield’s lyrics begging him to write better ones. The band would record as many takes as possible until the sound was right making for a very perfectionist environment in the studio. Kirk Hammett, Jason Newsted, and Lars Ulrich would end up divorcing their wives during the recording of this album creating even more tension between them. Hammett talked about what effect this had on them in the studio. We were “trying to take those feeling of guilt and failure and channel them into the music, to get something positive out of it.” Rock very briefly promised to never work with the band again because the studio was so stressful, but he quickly took that back to work with the band for the next decade. The documentary A Year and a Half in the Life shows quite accurately with real footage of what the making of this album was really like.

This record saw Metallica change its sound from their typical thrash metal to a slower heavy metal vibe that could almost be seen as hard rock. One of the reasons the band did this emerged in the fact that heavy metal as opposed to thrash metal represented a more commercial sound. That is not to say they completely abandoned any element of thrash metal, but instead there was much less of it. Unlike And Justice For All, Bob Rock raised the sound of the base considerably, so that the instrument could be heard. All the band members had the intention of making this album much simpler as opposed to the previous ones with so many riffs and long tracks. James Hetfield would say this, “We had pretty much done the longer song format to death." Lars Ulrich also talked about this change as well. “We felt inadequate as musicians and as songwriters, That made us go too far, around Master of Puppets and Justice, in the direction of trying to prove ourselves. 'We'll do all this weird-ass shit sideways to prove that we are capable musicians and songwriters'" Hetfield did emphasize in interviews that the intention of getting their songs played more on the radio was never foremost in the band’s mind. Another change with this album came in the fact that Hetfield now wrote lyrics based on personal experiences instead of the backdrop of ideas from film, literature, and music. Chris True of AllMusic talked about specifically some tracks on the album as examples. "Enter Sandman'' is about "nightmares and all that come with them". "The God That Failed" dealt with the death of Hetfield's mother from cancer and her Christian science beliefs, which kept her from seeking medical treatment. "Nothing Else Matters" was a love song Hetfield wrote about missing his girlfriend while on tour.``

The title of the album became an extensive discussion as well for the group. They considered naming it after a song on the album or five because this would be their fifth studio album. Yet, they ultimately chose to go the self- titled route in keeping with the theme of simplicity running throughout the entire album. The album's cover was completely black except for the logo and the Gadsden flag in each corner. The two images we’re very difficult to see, so people began calling it The Black Album. The initial printing of the album had those logos embossed in the same color, but on later printings of the album they were changed to a gray color. The Gadsden flag first created during the American Revolution had a motto attached to it, Don’t Tread On Me, which represented a track on the album as well. During the documentary A Year and a Half in the Life, Lars Ulrich joked that Their album looked just like Spinal Tap’s Smell The Glove in Rob Reiner‘s mockumentary. They even included a scene where the band members meet up with Michael Mckean, who actually asked about the similarities. Ulrich would later say that the actual inspiration for the album cover came from the seventies group, Status Quo.

Upon the release of The Black Album, the band subsequently released six singles, which represented a stark contrast to their previous releases. The lead single “Enter Sandman” made it all the way to number 16 on the hot 100 Billboard chart, while other singles did fairly well either in the US or internationally. The music video for “Enter Sandman” went on to win Best Rock Video at the 1992 MTV Video Music Awards. The only single not to do much on the charts was “Sad But True,” but it must be noted that the single had a much later release date of 1993. The record itself represented Metallica’s best selling album ever. The Black Album stayed number one in the United States for four consecutive weeks, while it topped the charts in 10 different countries at the same time. By the year 2012, the record had sold 16 million copies becoming the first one in the Nelson SoundScan era to do so. As of 2019, this record was still charting on the billboard 200 making it an exclusive member of the 550 Week Club. Critics emerged as fairly unanimous in their praise of the Black Album. One of the biggest changes for the band came in the fact that not only heavy metal journalists saw the great qualities of it, but now mainstream magazines like New Musical Express were discussing Metallica. Entertainment Weekly’s David Brown said that the group had invented a new genre called progressive thrash. Alec Foege of Spin noted a newfound versatility for the group and songs like the unforgiven and holier than thou. Mark Cooper of Q Magazine mentioned the fact that the record avoided several heavy metal clichés that had come to dominate the genre. Robert Palmer of Rolling Stone said that the album was filled with many hard rock classics. Greg Kot of the Chicago Tribune in a retrospective piece said that if you are a novice to the music, then this album is the perfect place to start. Kerrang! in a retrospective article as well pointed out that this album catapulted the band from thrash metal underground pioneers to worldwide rock stars. There was bound to be repercussions over such a major change to the group and how they are viewed. Sid Smith of BBC Music took this observation to the next step by noting that many of Metallica‘s diehard fans did not necessarily love this record because they saw it as the band selling out. This view will become even more prevalent in the years to come as they move their sound much closer to hard rock for the rest of the decade. Allmusic’s Steve Huey observed that this record helped to inspire other speed metal bands to simplify their sound. The album also foreshadowed the decline of Metallica’s creative period. The self-titled Metallica went on to win a Grammy in 1992 for Best Rock Album. The record would make several best of lists, but surprisingly their best selling album for the most part never competed with some of their earlier works on these lists.

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madllamamomma · 4 years

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I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).

So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*

So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.

Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….

I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).

So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...

I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.

D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.

But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.

I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.

Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.

During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)

So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.

—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)

Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).

So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”

My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!

But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.

Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.

Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.

I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.

Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.

High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.

Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.

And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”

And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”

🤨

This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.

So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.

My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.

I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!

So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#story time #mad llama momma story #true story #weird dreams #why does my brain do this?#anybody relate?#does anyone get me?#vent post

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