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acupofmatt-blog1 · 5 years

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I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore → MARA :(

Tagging→ @acupofmatt @acuplara

Location→ Lara and Evie’s apartment

Date→ February 16, 2019

Summary→ Lara comes back into Matt’s life with a simple text. Old Matt might’ve replied, but Matt’s different now, so she goes to Lara and Evie’s apartment to confront Matt. Turns out, Lara’s a little different now, too.

NOTE: This is painful as fuck

LARA

i just wanna let you know im back in the city and im sorry for the shits i did to you before ok? i know we aint gonna be chill rn but thats ok i can handle it. i just want you to know im sorry and everything. i hope youre good n shit Shrugging her shoulders, Lara hit 'send' on her phone before tossing it onto her bed. She knew that her being back in the city after months was going to cause some waves with a few people, but she did not have it in her to care. Her fingers gripped the zipper of her suitcase, unzipping it before she began the journey of unpacking her clothes. Her time away with family that she hadn't really met before had been humbling. She was under the watchful eye of her father for most of the time, which meant she was hardly under cause to misbehave like she normally would have outside of the US borderlines. Now that she was back? That was a different story. However, she wasn't an idiot. She knew that her biggest problem was going to be with Matt, and for good reason. Whenever Lara had left, she knew that she had ended things horribly with the girl. She was scared and quite frankly, her sudden departure to Singapore with her father was something that sat wrong with her for a while. It was wrong. It was mean. It wasn't her. As time passed though, Lara realized it was probably for the best. Matt deserved better than someone that was going to flake because things were growing serious. Shaking her head, Lara gripped her emptied suitcase before she was exiting her room to store it in one of the hallway closets. Her roommates weren't going to be home for a while, and it was more than a good enough time to spend some quality time with the joint located in her pocket.

MATT

Matt was on cloud 9. Things were looking up for her. Reagan decided to give them a chance. They weren't official or anything, but Matt was committed to making them work. She wanted this. A new start. Whatever past mistakes she made in other relationships, Matt was not going to bring to this new, potential one. No lies, no leading on, no hot and cold, no communication, no walls--no. Matt was still the same, but emotionally? She grew the fuck up. It took her a while. A long, long while, but Matt liked where she was. After Lara left, the first few weeks, Matt didn't sleep with anyone. Because Lara was going to come back. It was a test. And Matt wasn't going to mess up this time. But then? Weeks turned to month, then months. And Matt knew she wasn't coming back. So she slept around. A lot. Way too much. Matt held it the fuck in. Until she couldn't--because Matt wasn't that girl anymore. Matt allowed herself to feel. So then she laid it on the table: Lara left her. Lara wasn't coming back. That's when Matt cried to herself for a while. Until she got over it. It helped not seeing Lara. It made it easier to forget how she felt. And then things changed. Matt met Reagan and there went Matt again--putting up walls. But she couldn't. Matt was different now. She couldn't put up walls to Reagan. Things got complicated, but now they were here. Getting somewhere. Matt could really see things looking up for her. Then her phoned chimed.

Matt expected it to be Reagan. They had been texting since Matt got home. But no. It was Lara. Matt dropped her phone when she saw the text. What the fuck. Matt's first thought was to run away. Hop a flight to Chicago and never hear from anyone ever again, but Matt wasn't a little bitch. She was going to deal with this. Once Matt read the message, Matt realized she wasn't a little bitch--she was a BIG bitch. And she was pissed. Three months. Nearly four. And this is all she gets from Lara. The months of pain, of crying herself to sleep, of waiting, of longing, of anger...and all she gets is "sorry for the shits i did to you?” “Are you fucking kidding me?” Matt asked aloud with a bitter laugh. “Fucking unbelievable.” Matt could leave it on read and move on. But no. Lara couldn’t even say what she was sorry about. Was she even sorry? Sorry that she left? Matt said it was for “understandable reasons” that Lara left but what was the reason? Matt did EVERYTHING right. Matt owned up to her mistakes and worked HARD to fix them. Lara just leaving was not an “understandable reason.” And Matt needed Lara to know that.(edited)

So Matt grabbed her phone and bag and headed to Lara and Evie’s apartment. Matt hadn’t been here in months. It felt like a distant memory. A memory she could barely remember. Matt scoffed. Fuck the sentimental bullshit, Matt was pissed. Matt immediately knocked on the door and as soon as it opened, Matt’s breath hitched when she saw it was Lara. Lara. Her firefly. Her Lara baby. The girl Matt was a little fool for. The girl Matt was in love with. The girl Matt called her fucking fresh start. The girl that left her. Twice. The girl that broke her heart. The girl that almost made her quit on love. Matt composed herself and looked straight at Lara. “Sorry for the shits I did to you? Do you fucking call that an apology? We need to fucking talk. Because I do that now. Not that you’d know anything about it.” Matt pushed past Lara and stepped inside. Matt had balls when she needed them.

LARA

As Lara lit the joint in between her fingers, she managed to walk around her apartment. She needed to get reacquainted with everything, and the best time to do that was whenever Evie wasn't home. Truth be told, she had been home for almost 24 hours, and most of that 24 hours had been spent with all the talks and conversations and catching up's between her and her best friend. She was out of the apartment now, so Lara was having some alone time. She puffed on her joint as she made her way into the kitchen, living room, and landed back in her bedroom. God, it was almost pathetic the amount of memories that were located in such a room. So many fights and make ups and happy memories lay within the four walls and honestly, it was suffocating. She felt bad for the way she had left things with so many people, and quite frankly, she was happy to be back. She was better. She was braver. She was... apparently expecting company. At the sound of the knocking on her door, Lara put her joint out, leaving it laying haphazardly in the ashtray on her desk. She would revisit that little buddy later on. "Coming," Lara shouted, unsure of what was going to meet her. Either Evie had forgotten her key, there was some strange surprise Postmates driver for her, or someone had gotten word of her being back. Or... "Um..." Lara mumbled as she opened the door, immediately hit with the fiery words of the one and only, Matt Solis. She hadn't expected her to show up at her door. Maybe she wasn't as brave as she thought she had become.

"I admit the delivery could have been better," Lara started as she sighed out her words, pushing the door to a close before resting her forehead against the material as she waited. She hadn't prepared for this, and quite frankly, the slight buzz that her smoking had caused was clouding her judgment. "I... do you want to start or should... I?" She paused momentarily as she turned around, meeting the eyes of her ex... girlfriend? Things had been murky on what they were before she had left but god, they had been something beautiful. "You look.... pissed, look I'm sorry, Matt. I don't know what else you want me to say here." Her words flowed quickly out of her lips as she stared at the girl before her, knowing that she was the one in the wrong here.

MATT

God, Matt both wanted Lara to shut the fuck up because the shit coming out of her mouth was aggravating her, but she also wanted her to say MORE than whatever bullshit she came up out with. "I am pissed. I'm pissed about a lot of things, actually. You know, I thought seeing you again I'd be this big, stupid ass fool running to your arms again, but ha, you got me fucked up. I'm angry. I'm upset. You..." Matt shook her head. "I don't want your apology, Lara." Matt looked at Lara. "I want you to say to my face exactly what you did. Say that you left. Say that you fucking walked away. Say that you're a fucking hypocrite. Say you're just as bad as I was for just. saying. words." Matt felt her eyes well up because God this was a lot happening right now. "And fucking say you're a coward. A big fucking coward who couldn't even talk to me, but fuck yeah...you could fuck me, right? You fucking ate your words, Lara. I was just another body to you, in the end." Matt shook her head. "So go. Own up to your shit. Because I'm not leaving until you say something." Matt wanted to scream, if she was being honest. Matt wanted to break down in tears and just sob because why would Lara show up now? When things were getting so good for Matt? When Matt was finally becoming better? "You have a lot of fucking nerve sending me a simple text like that when you did more than that. You...let me tell you how I felt. I felt like shit. I felt abandoned. You didn't even--you couldn't even--" Matt felt her lower lip tremble and Matt forced herself to hold it together. "I felt like it was my fault and that I did something to mess it up since most of the time, it was always blamed on me. That I wasn't ready. That I was the one that put up walls. That I was the asshole who couldn't give such an amazing girl a chance....so tell me."

LARA

The more that Matt spoke, the more that Lara felt her defenses crumbling. She knew that she was the one in the wrong between the two of them, but knowing and admitting were two very different things. However, Matt was right. Matt was right about every single thing that she was saying, and Lara knew that. "Matt," Lara started before she was raising her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. She really wished that she hadn't smoked before Matt had showed up at her apartment. Things were far too hazy for her to genuinely discuss and paint a picture of how she was feeling about things. "Can I just... can you just give me... a second? One fucking second." Her voice was short and curt, knowing that she was more aggravated with herself than absolutely anything that Matt was saying. "I left. I walked away. I'm a fucking hypocrite. I'm a coward. I'm everything, okay? I saw a way out whenever it came to going to my cousins wedding with my dad and I went with it. Leaving was easier than dealing with... I don't know, trying? Trying to make things work whenever I was going to be a world away. I don't..." Lara paused for a second as she swallowed hard, looking down at her hands as she began fiddling with her fingers. "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking whenever I left, but I just know that I am sorry for how I left things. You don't have to believe me for even a fucking second, but I just need you to know I am sorry. And I-I..." Another pause. Lara brought her hands up, running her fingers through her hair as she looked anywhere but at Matt. It was easier to ignore the rising feeling of panic if she wasn't looking at the girls tear filling eyes.

"I never want you feeling like shit or abandoned or... or any of that shit. I never wanted that but I just... I don't know. It's not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault because you were... you were perfect. You were doing everything possible to make me feel safe and secure and I ruined it. And I know I did that. And I'm sorry for that. I don't know... what happened in my head to think that it was fine leaving, but I did. And now we're here and I just..." Lara paused once more as she wet her lips, throwing her arms out at her sides before shrugging her shoulders. "I'm not asking for anything. I just... thought you should know directly from me that I was back. I didn't want you hearing from anyone else or seeing me out or... or I don't know. I'm sorry I sent just a text."

MATT

Matt closed her eyes as Lara spoke because she was trying not to glare at Lara. Granted, Matt wasn't being very chill at the moment--Matt was still working on the whole execution of talking about feelings. But she was trying--more than she could say about Lara who gave her yet another bullshit answer. Matt took a deep breath as she looked at Lara. "I felt it. And for a long time, I acted like I deserved it for the shit I put you through but I don't--I didn't. You know what I deserved? I deserved for you to talk to me. I deserved you to fucking tell me you couldn't do this. I deserved you to not be a fucking coward who runs away. That's what I deserved Lara." Matt took a good look at Lara. It was the same girl physically. Same Lara. But everything else? It felt like looking at a different person. Matt didn't know who this was. Her Lara? No. Not that Lara. It felt odd. It felt like talking to a stranger. And what a tragedy that was--to have so much history with a person and for it to go back to being strangers. "Don't call me that. Perfect. I'm not. I'm working on being better. I'm not perfect, but I was so ready to try to be better. For you. For me. For us. I had so many hopes and you broke them. You tore them up. I was ready to give up on love completely because I thought nothing could compare to you. Ever. You were it to me, is that what made you run away? Did it fucking scare you that someone wanted you so badly?" Matt felt tears running down her face. "Did it terrify you that someone changed for you? That someone loved you so fucking much that they were willing to do anything to have you. I was a god damn fool for you Lara, and you stepped all over it." Matt paused. Lara just ran away. Things got scary and she ran. Much like Matt back then. But it was more than that.

When Matt slept with Scout, Matt was compared to Lara's mom. That Matt was no better for leaving. And then when Matt physically left to Chicago after telling Lara she loved her, Matt was once again no fucking better than Lara's mom. Made her feel that same abandonment. Well, this time, Matt felt a lot like Lara did back then. And Lara? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And the realization hit Matt like a pile of bricks. "Jesus..." Matt trailed off as she put her hands on her face and sniffled. "Lara..." Matt sighed. "You...you're..." Matt sighed again. Matt couldn't say it. How could she? It was a lot. It was heavy. It was the truth. And Matt didn't say just words anymore. And Lara had to hear this. Because this is how Matt felt. And Matt was still so god damn angry. “You’re still not admitting to anything. You’re just saying my words back to me. But when are you going to fucking admit that you’re exactly like your fucking mom?” Matt spit out. “You’re just like her. You leave…every time it gets hard. And you gave me so much shit for it when I did it. But you? You do the same thing! The moment things are great for us—that fucking…that terrifies you. So you leave. But you don’t fucking let me GO.” Matt let out a shaky breath. “You cling onto me, still, and then you come back and pull me back in and I fell for it every. damn. time. I’m done. I’m not going to be used anymore. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not that fucking Matt. I’m not your fucking princesa anymore. Because this time around I’m trying to look out for myself and by doing that, believe it or not, I’m looking out for you. So can you at least fucking admit that, Lara? Can you at least admit you’re a flake who can’t stay for me, but you’ll still hold on for dear life? That you leave and make me sit around and wait for you to do it all over again. I’m your fucking drug Lara…you only come to get your fix and then you leave…I’m not doing that anymore.”

LARA

With every passing word, Lara felt herself shrinking in size. Not physically, but mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. She knew that everything Matt was saying was right. She had changed everything about how she was with relationships to be good enough for Lara and Lara ruined them. She sighed heavily as things progressed, knowing that she was the epitome of a fuck up. She had left Matt with no word and was now going to have to face the consequences. She knew this and there was no arguing that. However, whenever the conversation flipped into something more, something heavier? Lara's eyes immediately switched to Matt. Her eyes bored onto the girl's face as her eyebrow raised at Matt's words. When are you going to fucking admit that you're exactly like your fucking mom?

The words felt like ice being thrown on her body. She felt like she was going to be physically ill with the way her body was heating up with anger. "Get out." Lara said, her voice soft as she closed her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. "Get the fuck out, Matt. Get. Out." Regardless of the truth that could be lying with the girls words, there was far too much residual pain from her mother leaving her and her father for Lara to begin to sort through. Much less, hearing the words coming from someone like Matt. She knew that she had said a thing or two about Matt being just like her mother whenever she had left before, but it was a different form of malice in her mind for Matt to be throwing her words back at her. Throwing her life experiences back at her. "Get the fuck out of my apartment, Matt. I'm not fucking kidding. Get out. And fuck off." She felt tears stinging her eyes as the words circled around her head, mudding the way that her thought processes were working. Her mother had left because there was something better for her lying in the form of another man other than her own husband, not because she was scared. It was something that, if in a different mindset, Lara would have been able to clarify about, but instead, she was resulting in anger. Shutting down. Despair. Regardless of what it was, Lara felt like she was about to break down in the fiercest of ways and the last person she wanted around for the show was Matt fucking Solis.

MATT

This always happened. Matt opened up about something--something honest and real--and Lara kicked her out. The last time? When Matt told Lara she slept with Scout and leading Lara on to something neither understood yet. This time? Because Matt told Lara something Lara needed to hear. Just how Matt needed to hear Lara tell her months ago the pain she felt for what Matt did with Scout. For taking Scout back. For leading her on. For saying just words. For never letting Lara in. For always being emotionally unavailable. Matt listened--it hurt like a bitch, but Matt still listened. But Lara? When she heard something too true? She resorted to either running or pushing you away. Matt chuckled dryly. "That's familiar. I've heard that before. This is you pushing me away but the moment you start to miss me and need that fix? You expect me to come crawling back." And a part of Matt hated that this was true.

"I don't expect you to admit that truth to yourself. I'll leave, Lara. I'll fucking go. But don't expect me to be that idiot that crawls right back to you. The moment I step out of this fucking door, I'm gone. I'm no longer...I'm not yours anymore. Because you can't even give me closure--or maybe this is fucking closure. Seeing you for who you really are." Matt voice cracked as she felt tears coming down her cheeks. "So if you tell me to leave again...I'm gone. You don't get to have me anymore. I just want you to know that." Matt shook her head. "It kills me to say that. It does." If Matt was going to leave, Lara had to know. About Reagan. And why walking away from this. Their history. Their tragically beautiful story...it was a little easier than she thought it would be. But maybe it was also because she saw Lara clearly this time...and she felt like a fucking idiot. And she didn't want to feel that way anymore. "I found someone, Lara. So don't think I'm coming back to you. You fucked up. And I deserve to be happy and if you won't even give me this...closure? Fine. But at least you can see yourself for what you are." Matt walked towards the door slowly, waiting to see if Lara would stop her.

LARA

Lara tipped her head back as she heard Matt beginning to speak again, wanting more than anything for her to stop. Everything to stop. She needed a breather or twenty so that she could deal with everything that was getting thrown at her. She needed things to take a moment. Take a seat. Take a break so that she could catch up to everything that was happening. Matt was being so brutally and painfully honest with her, and all Lara could do was freeze up and ignore everything that she knew was most likely right in the end. She swallowed hard as Matt was turning to leave before she was shaking her head. "I never expected you to be here waiting. I'm a fucking idiot and a bitch and an awful person, but I never expected little Mattie Solis to be waiting here for me. I have more fucking respect for you than to believe that." Lara delivered with a cold voice as she exhaled shakily. She needed to try and find some sort of calmness from within her. Matt was being real with her. Honest. She couldn't fault her for such a thing. "I want you... to be happy more than anything and I just... I'm not going to get in between that, okay? I'm not. But you do not have the...." Lara felt her body tensing up again at the simple thought of her mother before she was exhaling shakily and shaking her head. "Just... go. This is your closure. Whatever you're wanting this is..." Lara paused for a moment as she felt the tears welling in her eyes falling down her cheeks. She felt panicked. She felt anxious. She felt like a goddamn mess, but that was okay. She was allowed to feel that. "I hurt you and I know I did. I'm not... I don't... Expect anything but I can't... Just... please? Please go. I..." She shook her head before shrugging her shoulders once more and laughing pathetically. "Go be happy with your someone new and good and... better than me. Just go."

MATT

More than anything, Matt wanted to wrap her arms around Lara and kiss her and tell her she loved her, still, and apologize for being too mean and that it wasn't true. None of it. And that they could just be happy. But that wasn't reality. What Matt said was true. Should she have said all at once? No. That was kinda...a lot. But Lara needed to hear it. Even if Lara hated Matt for the rest of her life... Matt had to. It didn't matter, anyway. Whether Lara hated her or not, they weren't the same anymore. They were two different people. Two ghosts of their past selves clinging onto their back trying to revive what they use to be. But it was dead. They were dead. And it pained Matt so much that she started crying and nodded. "I'll go." Matt managed to say. "I don't know if I'll be happy like you say...but I'll go." Matt opened the door and paused. "I hope you'll be able to see what I was trying to do...sometime in the future. I hope you're able to see it." Matt said before walking away and closing the door, making it to the end of the hallway before leaning over to let out the sob she had been holding back the entire time. Because Matt knew. She lost Lara completely.

LARA

As Matt walked out the door with her final words, Lara was following her. She said not a word as a reply, but the moment Matt was pulling the door shut behind her, Lara was pushing it shut with a loud bang. She felt panicked. She felt like she was about to pass out from the anger that was riddling her body. She felt like she was about to drop to the floor with the guilt and regret that was washing over her. A part of her knew that Matt was right. The going was getting good, but it was way too good. So she walked away without a second glance. She knew that there was a part of that that was right, but she didn't care. She couldn't focus on that right now. "Welcome fuckin' back, Lara. You piece of shit," she spoke aloud to herself as she shook her head, allowing her foot to collide with the door in front of her in a last ditch attempt to be angry with Matt. She knew Matt was right, but there wasn't a chance in hell that she was going to work herself through that right now.

#ac: lara #para #para: 19 #mara #// ugh this hurts #// enjoy the meal DRAMA NERDS AS KAI PUT IT

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wokebands · 7 years

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#12 - running into van after a one night stand

can you do running into van after a one night stand and he recognizes you?__

friday nights in new york consisted of binge drinking to hopefully ease the stress left from a long week at work. lucky for you, your friends often felt the same, throwing out names of new bars to try out and arranging times. you never really cared where you went, as long as it had music and beer, it was fine with you.

you were a bit wild, per say. your friends always joked around about your party habits and you couldn’t blame them. it was true, the craziest you came out on friday nights but like mentioned previously, work sucked every inch of fun out of your body for 5 days straight, if you wanted to kick back and relax one night, so be it.

something different had popped up tonight. there was a concert in brooklyn that your friends boyfriend had mentioned. you were quickly buying yourself a ticket online, not caring who was playing because you loved live music almost as much as you loved drinking. you had stopped at your place before heading to the bar everyone was meeting at. you threw on skinny jeans and a top you bought for yourself on wednesday, after getting screamed at by your boss and almost losing your job.

******

you were a few drinks deep before heading to the venue right down the street. you learned that the band was rather indie and the crowd would most likely be people like you, people that loved concerts and probably people that loved drinking. you all gathered at the bar, but quickly lost a majority of your friends who wanted to get a good look at the stage.

you didn’t realize you weren’t alone when a voice spoke up. “mate, i don’t know what to tell you, just bring it around back.” you tried to ignore him, but his conversation continued and you slowly caught on to who he was. you were unable to identify him by name, but he had to be in the band, directing people through the phone to bring in equipment and set up merchandise.

you also didn’t realize that he looked familiar. you tried to jog your memory, looking around for any idea of a band name because maybe they’ve showed up on your spotify or something. “excited for the show?” the voice asked you, your eyes moved over to his and he smirked back at you.

“i hear this bands quite awful, just here for the booze.” you joked and he nearly gawked at you. “joking, don’t want to hurt your ego, heard you on the phone. are you excited for the show?” you asked him and he hummed. reaching behind the bar to grab a bottle of something and poured himself a glass. “more excited to see you again.” he said to you and you were taken back. again? was there another time?

he caught onto your confusion and let out a laugh. “cmon babe, you don’t remember? it wasn’t that long ago and i pray to god i wasn’t that awful?” he continued on and you quickly remembered a few weeks ago, when you had ended up at some bar down in soho with the same friends who you were here with tonight. you remember drinking, meeting a cute, british boy, and then drinking some more, only to end up at a hotel with the irresistible brit, and leaving the next morning.

“im-i dont-you’re in a band?” you asked him, trying to put pieces together of that night. “looks that way, small band, playing venues like this in hopes of getting some attention.” he explained to you, downing his drink. “that probably doesn’t help.” you motioned to his cup. “eh, you build up quite a tolerance from drinking all of the time.” he told you and you didn’t say it, but you knew.

“so, do you guys only play in the city? maybe you should branch to like los angeles or something where a shit ton of record labels are.” you said, not knowing anything about the industry. you were still confused as to how you ended up at his show a few weeks later, after literally fucking him in a shitty hotel room, all by coincidence. “complicated, we’re signed to a small label right now, who is based here, we actually just got back from london a few days ago, i’m not stalking you, i promise.” he joked and you nodded your head, taking a long sip of your drink to hopefully give you some liquid courage.

van, his name you finally learned/remembered had invited you to the after-party and you weren’t stupid. hell, he was the best lay you had in awhile, possible the only lay you had in awhile but still good, nonetheless. you didn’t bother playing hard to get and quickly agreed, mentioning the group of friends you came with and he encouraged they come along, too.

you talked for nearly 30 minutes before he had to get ready to go on stage. you laughed at him as he ran backstage, passing crowds of people that were essentially here to see him on stage and no one noticed him. you found your friends, near the back and mentioned the after-party. when questioned about how the hell you got invited, you shrugged your shoulders. you’re do not kiss and tell.

they were good, better than you expected. seeing van sing on stage turned you on in a very unexpected way and every strum of his guitar made you want him more and more, again. they played for an hour and the crowd was into it, you even saw a few people singing along and everyone was dancing.

after the show, van had come out himself to greet your friends and tell you the address of the party. you tried not to blush when he asked you to ride with him to the bar, your friends smiled back at you, cheering you on and completely embarrassing you. it all seemed too official, hell, it was just a one night stand, you weren’t expecting to meet his band and get his number, you never were one for commitment, especially with a job like you had and the reckless behavior.

on the way there, van had sat next to you, leaving the passenger seat open. you hadn’t notice how much closer he had gotten and you also didn’t notice his hand on your knee. it was perfect, you thought, something about van made you weak in a way you couldn’t explain. you tried to not think about it and to just enjoy your night out and head straight to the bar when you arrived.

however, van had turned towards you, putting his hand around your neck. “hey.” he had smiled at you. “hi.” you whispered. before you could say anything else, he had placed his lips on yours. shutting the window between the driver and the back-seat. you let out a moan as his lips trailed along your jaw, down to your chest. you thanked yourself for wearing the new shirt, which gave just enough access.

“can’t wait till after the party to fuck you.” he growled in your ear and your entire body went hot. you helped him with undressing you, unbuttoning your jeans and then unbuttoning his own shirt, which was still on. “the driver?” you asked. “used to it.” he said to you, before moving his hand down your stomach. you pushed him off, rolling your eyes. “what?” he questioned. “used to it? really? way to make me feel like a whore.” you groaned, readjusting your dress and position, turning away from him.

“s’not what i meant, jesus.” van had said. “just saying, someone fucking around in the backseat of the car isn’t unusual for four guys in a band.” he explained and it made sense to you. you knew the lifestyle boys in bands led and you willingly agreed to come out with him, you already had fucked him once and now you knew who he was and what he did. you thought you were being kind of unfair but the comment still pissed you off.

“come on, love. im sorry.” van had persisted. “s’fine.” you said back to him, trying not to look at him, you felt his eyes on you. “i’ve never invited anyone personally to an after-party before. sure, there’s been girls but i have never went out out of my way, let alone into the crowd before a show to talk to a girl.” he said, his tone changing, softer now. it made you blush and smile, but you wouldn’t let him see that.

the car pulled up to the bar and van had grabbed your wrist before you got out. “im sorry, okay? i think you’re cool, there was just something about you that i haven’t been able to shake and when i saw you tonight, i was excited and i didn’t mean to ruin that.” he rambled and you laughed at him. “its ok, love.” you mocked him. “what do you say we go inside, get drunk and then finish what was so rudely interrupted by you being an annoying prick?” you asked him, and the two of you were on your way to the open bar.

this is like my favorite one EVER - this was so fun to write so thank you to whoever requested it!!! i sort of took it to another level and wrote a shit ton but i hope its good.

keep requesting, sorry it takes me awhile, i have been so busy! but ill get around to it!!

-Em

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spotlightsaga · 7 years

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Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... F is For Family (S02E04) Night Shift Airdate: May 30, 2017 @Netflix @GaumontTV Ratings: Privatized @BillBurr @mikepriceinla Score: 8.75/10 @FYeahBill @FIFFNetflix TVTime/FB/Twitter/IG/Tumblr/Path/Pin: @SpotlightSaga **********SPOILERS BELOW********** 'Is my house clean?' No seriously, I'm gonna look up and you take a look in. I need to know... Can't go trouncing about town, especially the notorious 'Cocaine Cowboy City' of Miami with powder around the edges of my nostrils. I wouldn't think anyone, in any decade of existence, would want an onlooker seeing them trading coke for anything right out in the open... Whether that's in a record store, yes they still exist & I'm sure they would love a visit, or a street corner... I'd suggest visiting the record store over the street corner. Just as walking, talking, 'Teenage Turmoil', 'Trepidation Tornado' (Yeah, I'm also a sucker for wordplay), Kevin Murphy (Justin Long) is looking to make it big in what he sees as almost a dream world of sorts as a bonafide rockstar, he spots his well connected, high rolling neighbor, who is very much a part of that dream world, bribing an aggressively apprehensive DJ to play a pop record with a picture of a 'Teen Heartthrob' holding an adorable puppy on the front... But hey this is where they are in their lives. Pretty sure I've been lower. Vic (Sam Rockwell), along with the rest of the cast, has so much more room to breathe now that the series has been extended from 6-Episodes to the nicely rounded off number of 10 entries for S2. However, this means that Vic can no longer simply be that hurricane of a character, representing the perfect storm of carefree 1970's hedonism and indulgence. Suddenly, there are consequences for his actions and we are peaking into a long, dark tunnel where Vic is on the verge of an 'existential crisis'. No, there are no immediate repercussions for any of Vic's self destructive behaviors quite yet anyway, but the forlorn fates are written all over his face. Right now he's much closer to what we would refer to the point of 'existential dread' than we would call a full blown 'existential crisis'. The writers are smart though, they're giving you a peak of his cards without letting you see his full hand and that will surely create a helluva payoff when it it's finally time to pay the piper. That's a stark difference from a character that was once a quick, in & out, 2-D slice of animated comic relief. When it comes to television, cinema, film, real life, whatever... 'Existential' and 'Crisis' are literally my two favorite words in the English language, not only because they are so beautiful when paired together, but more so the fact that it's one thing Im actually good at. I know that's a really weird thing to be proud of, excited to dive into, or even claim to be 'good at'... But with all the LSD & DMT I've consumed in my life, I believe I've had more self-induced existential crisis and egodeath(s) than most of the worlds population. It's not just hallucinogenics and weird dissociatives, or even a finely tuned education in psychology & sociology that have made me an expert and lover of all things 'existential', it's also real life experience in all things crisis... Inner, outer, dramatic, and otherwise... I've always been dramatic, I got it from my mother, and her adoptive Mother... They are whatever is slightly above the 'every southern woman' version of Bette Davis & Joan Crawford. Everything is a spectacle, darling. Anxiety attacks are full on broadway performances, complete with Tony Awards, a nice Southern 'Wink', and a long list of 'Thank You's at the end... Oh and trips to the mall that start out sweet & fruitful and end in sheer terror. My Step-Father is more like the American Cherokee version of a cross between Tim Allen & Jim Gaffigan, if that makes sense. He has a traditional, signature style of humor that is both clean & observational and masculine & sometimes surprisingly crass, mainly due to his dual nature and long hard road from the cesspool of a nasty rock bottom to the heights of being a pillar of his community. There was a time in my life where these attributes all made me angry, just like Kevin. At that rebellious teenage age, if someone says go, you stop and if they say stop, you go. If a parental figure or an adult influence that we look up to makes a mistake, as a young adult many times we hold them to it unfairly... As if they're supposed to be perfect because they are the adult. As kids, we want to meet them halfway with unrealistic expectations. Essentially that's because adults meet their children and particularly teenagers with unrealistic expectations, themselves. Can't expect a toddler not to touch a hot stove, can't expect a little kid not to pick their nose (or worse), can't expect a teenager not to do usual teenager stuff, and we can't expect our parents to always remember all of that in times of stress. Looking back now (and let's hope Kevin moves forward to this place soon), I know that I learned the most from watching my parents make mistakes and subsequently finding a way to fix it, by any means necessary. Kevin is already sick over his issues with his dad, so he's practically ready to give up when he sees Vic forking over line after line until DJ Howlin' Hank (Josh Adam Meyers) would say he loves any record Vic gave him to play (yes, that includes records with vinyl covers that feature kids holding puppies that look like they "fell out of Donnie Osmond's pussy"). When one reaches the epiphany that hard work, talent, and actually being cool isn't what gets them to top, a breakdown of some sort is to be expected. Personally I've had this specific epiphany more than once (complete with influential dramatic Hollywood Breakdown), so a nice soul searching, ego shattering session of smoking weed (or simply insert alternative mind expansion drug here) his friends refer to as 'Oregon Gold dipped in Columbia River Salmon Piss' out of a baby doll made into a pipe is just what Kevin needs to push him to a point where he's ready to face this new, harsher, cruel world to get their band's ultimate goal achieved... Being played on the radio, preferably by DJ Howlin' Hank... Because, you know, at least they are 100% sure what it takes to make 'Hank Howl' (thanks, Vic)! So off the clueless teenage trio goes to score some blow. This should be good. Kevin has currently written off his father, Frank (Bill Burr), for his inability to accept a certain kind of defeat... Or better yet, I should say... Face his humility for a greater good and 'bite the bullet' at the unemployment office. He sees his father's stubborn pride as a weakness, when really like any human attribute, it's technically both a positive and a negative. The fact that Frank is lying to Sue (Laura Dern) about it, makes it all 100x worse, though... Creating a mountain blocking any possible view to see the silver lining. Frank taking a humiliating, lower paid job, just to avoid a handout is silly and ultimately a bit insane, but at least Frank is trying to do something instead of curling up into a corner & folding. Still, the whole ironic arrangement is not lost on us. Don't think for a moment that we won't be on the lookout for bumper stickers being sold at 'Hot Topic or 'Urban Outfitters' that say "Ask me about my Loser Husband's shit job!" Frank's insecurities and paranoia are officially at an all time high. His new boss Smoky (Michael Kenneth Williams) shows Frank the restrictive ropes of the world of vending machines, its many perks, and how to "Shove it. Slam it. Twist the lock. Stick the key inside your sock." Why can't the key just be on the key ring? Simple. "Because the rhyme came first, system came later." Frank is killing it, but an accident with the lock on the back door (see how important those rhymes are), ends up with the bag of change they've been collecting falling out of the back of the truck and finding it's way all over the dirty urban street. Frank goes into survival mode, scouring the street like a hardworking crackhead to recover the change. As this is happening, Kevin is out looking to score $10 worth of coke in the same seedy downtown neighborhood. Last time I checked $10 won't get you a bag of coke, and I live in a city where cocaine is easier to get than the attention of a bartender, and cheaper to get than a simple single liquor cocktail. These three young clowns mistake a pimp for a drug dealer and one of the funniest scenes of the series commences when the 'white' they are all so ready to score turns out to be an obese, Caucasian, $10 prostitute that has difficulties keeping one of her titties inside of her blouse. As the trio scrambles to escape the low rent hooker who offers to 'fuck them all if they have a sandwich bag', they end up passing Frank digging for nickels on the side of the street. Ok, ok... This is obviously the worst possible scenario for Kevin, but his frustrations lead him to march into the radio station with his band's demo tape in hand, demanding to be heard. Fuck the system, right? Everything might be going to shit for the characters in the Netflix Original 'F is For Family', but when you are down on your luck and you don't even know why you're stuck in a meaningless, chaotic existence... Suddenly an existential crisis becomes your best friend. Frank's embarrassing dedication to picking up the change in the street leads him to secure the job of no one's dreams, Sue has a sudden idea for a product invention when going through the mundane process of drying out her lettuce while making dinner salads, and Kevin's frustration & desperation pay off after the boys tune in to hear Vic use a two syllable taste of their song to introduce the weather segment. To three young boys with a pipe dream that's like the equivalent of being featured on MTV's 'Total Request Live' in 1999. Recently I've watched a friend go through a horrible incident and face their mortality. Suddenly that person is trapped in an existential nightmare... 'What's any of this worth if it really doesn't lead to anything, if we are all biding our time on this earth until the Grim Reaper comes-a-knocking anyway?' And that's just the base of it. We've all got our existential and emotional baggage to deal with, but it's the unexpected moments when you're at your lowest point that suddenly remind us that even tho we might all just be going through the motions and repeating history over and over, sudden sparks of light can suddenly reignite your passion for life... Its as all as easy as that, or as difficult as that, whichever way you want to look at it. Like Frank said in the beginning of FIFF's 'Night Shift', "I woulda killed myself, but I don't want to haunt my own house." **********Written By: Kevin Cage********** Special Thx: TVTime, Bill Burr, Michael Price, Jerry Wilson, Kat Holiday, Chad Rigsby... Dedicated to: Denver G. Pratt http:://www.tvtime.com http://www.spotlightsaga.com http://www.facebook.com/SpotlightSaga http://www.facebook.com/groups/ArtsEntertainment

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lifekindahappens-blog · 7 years

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welcome to my blog kinda happens

I AM PISSED I WROTE THIS WHOLE POST THEN MY BROWSER CLOSED ON ME SO I HAD TO START OVER FUCKKKKK

WELCOME TO MY BLOG, WEIRDOS…

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU PROBABLY FIT INTO ONE OF 5 CATEGORIES:

I TRUST YOU ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU MY SECRET ANONYMOUS BLOG SO YOU CAN SEE ME WRITE ABOUT COLLEGE, OR WHAT I’M GONNA DO WITH MY LIFE.

YOU LOOKED UP “STUDYBLR” OR “DEPRESSION” TAGS AND ARE HOPING TO DISCOVER SOME GIRL THAT WENT OFF THE DEEP END AND THIS IS SOME BLOG ABOUT HOW I FOUND GOD OR JESUS IN A POTATO CHIP, ALL HAIL SPUD-GOD! (IF ONLY, AMIRIGHT?!)

YOU ARE PROCRASTINATING AND THIS CAME UP IN YOUR FEED

YOU ARE/WANNABE MY NEW INTERNET FRIEND (PLEASE MESSAGE ME IF YOU FALL UNDER THIS CATEGORY, I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE A NAME TO MY PARENTS SO THEY CAN FINALLY THINK I HAVE FRIENDS)

YOU FOUND MY PRETTY INSTAGRAM (OR SOON TO ME STUDYGRAM) AND ARE HOPING THERE WILL BE MORE IN THIS BLOG. FULL DISCLOSURE: YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED. THANKS FOR READING THOUGH, BUT HOPEFULLY THIS WILL (OR WILL NOT) BETTER SUIT YOUR NEEDS.

Whatever category you fall in, thanks for reading! A bit about this blog or me as of today:

-I finished my first year as a pre-med Biochem student at a tier one university in the good old USA (despite Trump’s America lol) my gpa is around a 3.5 which some say is shit for pre-med, but as someone who is depressed as shit... I think it’s like frosted flakes

great! ha ha ha ha (im not funny omg why)

-I tried to kill myself a month ago and almost got sent to the big house psych ward/institute).... (yes, i will make a blog post about this someday...)

-I finished my first day of orientation at my internship!!! It’s not my first day as i’ve been there since January, but it’s my first “official” day as I just got approve last week haha... oh oh oh!! Forgot to say... I WON AN UMBRELLA (THE GOOD $30 KIND TOO) TODAY AND A T-SHIRT (that high end cotton blend too... ;) )

so important... ikr

But I am happy and feel somewhat lucky as I intern for one of the best research hospital labs in the nation.... so this blog will be my pretty studyblr notes and posts as I move on with my life as I transfer from my suicide attempt and intern at this lab to see if I’m interested in science research rather than medicine (which I am currently thinking about pursuing). Let me clarify a few things in the past sentence/paragraph:

1. I IN FACT DID NOT GET DISCOURAGED FROM BEING IN THE MEDICAL FIELD AT ALL AND MAKE UP SOME BULLSHIT EXCUSE LIKE “I NEED TO TAKE TIME TO FIND MYSELF.” I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD TO MAKE SURE I DON’T LOVE *YES, LOVE* SOMETHING MORE THAN BEING A DOCTOR.... LIKE I KNOW ALREADY (plot twist: I don’t) but give me credit okkkk 2. I AM NOT WORKING AT SOME RANDOM LAB BUT RATHER WORKING IN A TOP LAB THAT OVER 45 OF MY PEERS APPLIED TOO IDK HOW I GOT THIS INTERNSHIP BUT FUCK MY LUCK IS GOOD I WON A DRINKING KIT/MIX LAST WEEK AT THIS FESTIVAL IM NOT EVEN 21 LOLOLOL my mom took it from me though (she was there :’( ) p.s. im 18 underage drinking is bad i don’t promote it.. it was a joke

So a summary of my overall life is : When I was little, I packed my life into two extremely large duffel bags and headed to the other side of the same city I have only been in when I was 6 to live with my mom as my dad was a crackhead...(All I remember at age 6 besides that is drawing very circular pumpkins for my Kindergarten homework). I have lived in this city for the last 10 years and probably will be for the next 8… kinda boring... i know. but... the details...

are not.

This blog will be a log of my day-to-day struggles, pretty notes, and what ever their can be lol. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even know what it will be about because I haven’t experienced it yet. Well, I have… it’s just I’m too lazy to rewrite or remember them for your entertainment. But feel free to come back and reread what happens to me and my life…

That Life “KINDA HAPPENS” HAHA YOU PROBABLY GET IT NOW WHY I SAY THAT…

Ok, enough of that.

I WILL TRY TO KEEP IT SHORT AND SWEET BECAUSE I REALIZE WE ALL HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF DOUG

(FROM “UP” YOU KNOW THE DOG THAT SAYS “SQUIRREL!”), BUT ONCE AGAIN NO GUARANTEES. MAYBE YOU READ THIS BLOG ONCE, MAYBE YOU HAVE ALREADY SWITCHED TO READING BUZZFEED’S “14 THINGS ONLY PEOPLE WHO BREATH WILL UNDERSTAND,” OR MAYBE THIS BLOG WILL BECOME YOUR HOMEPAGE. WHICHEVER PATH YOU TAKE IS FINE WITH ME, THIS BLOG WILL GIVE ME A GREAT RECORD OF MY LIFE WHILE PROVIDING ME A REASON TO HAVE AN ENTIRE FOLDER DEVOTED TO USELESS GIFS:

Like this one #relateable

p.s. I LOVE ITS ALWAYS SUNNY!!!!

(side note: whenever something is underlined it is a link, click on it, and click open....I realized many people don’t know this)

thx see you soon :) ,

Your protagonist or anti-hero or whatever cause I don’t pay attention in English class (Not that I learn much English in that class…),

-Christina

aka Ms. Life Kinda Happens

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