#okay so ive been super stressed about money lately right
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The Ken and Stella pregnancy blurb was so good could you write one where they find out that she’s pregnant?
ive been thinking about this scenario a lot and i cant really decide how i want this to go . . .
i think a year or so after they get married (stella is like 30ish) they start to really do their research and find the best fertility clinic in the city. its been almost 20 years since kendall and rava struggled to get pregnant, but still, he's not feeling optimistic.
stella gets a clean bill of health from the doctor, but ken isn't so lucky. just as he suspected, he was the problem. again.
was it the drugs? he was clean now, but he used so much...could he have ruined his chances forever?
stella assures him that it'll be okay, but she never went through what he had to 20 years ago.
they decide on a couple of treatments. they're both taking shots every day and pills at night and its exhausting. most of the meds go to kendall, but stella has to take some too, just in case.
they begin with intrauterine insemination, which is pretty simple and painless, but stella gets her period two weeks later. its hard on both of them, but especially kendall because he knows it's him, not her.
next they try ivf, which is a lot more complicated and expensive (not that money is an issue). now they both have to do injections and stella goes in for her egg retrieval.
the egg retrieval goes better than expected and they're left with 10. ken's sample has some relatively viable sperm so they pull the trigger and try to make some embryos.
the waiting is by-far the worst part, because deep down kendall knows there's no way those embryos are going to get made with his shitty sperm. he's right, unfortunately, and they're back to square one with zero embryos and ten now-frozen eggs.
kendall suggests a donor, like they did with iverson. stella's heartbroken, but they start to look into other options.
because they have the best doctors, however, they get into a trial for a new drug that increases sperm count and viability. stella is thrilled and insists kendall try it, but it's another injection and he's not super happy about it. nothing has ever worked for him, why now?
it's nice to have a break from more intense treatments, so they agree and kendall marks his torso up with injection pricks again.
three months later, ken and stella are enjoying some time off from surgery and tiny, microscopic cells that control their lives. kendall's in new york for the week, working on some financials for their production company (i imagine them making something rival to waystar and completely taking over the media scene), and stella is holding it down in los angeles, or at least trying to.
it's flu season and she's been to so many fancy parties in the last few weeks, stella is sick as a dog. she's a little worried, but the nausea, vomiting and headaches are typical for the flu, right?
she also chalks her late period up to stress. but it's been at least a few weeks...
the day before kendall is supposed to come home, stella drives herself to the hospital after she can't stop throwing up.
"when did the symptoms start?" the doctor asks.
"a week ago, i think, but ive been feeling kind of off for a while."
"and there's no chance you're pregnant? when was your last period?"
stella's heart skips a beat.
"um, i'm not sure. we're trying, uh, but it's been unsuccessful. my period is really irregular and i've been stressed so--" she trails off. "we've been trying for a couple of years."
"and are you taking medication?"
"i did, but it's not really..." she thinks for a bit. "it's not a uterus issue, it's my husband."
"and what is he taking?"
she tells the doctor about the new medication kendall is taking. "it's only been three months, so we're still hopeful. or at least i am."
"i've heard some great things about that new drug. it's really changing people's lives." the doctor smiles, turning away from stella and writing something down. "i'm going to order some tests, but i think you're fine."
------------------
kendall, obviously, sprints to his jet when stella tells him she's sick. she insists she's fine, but wants him to come home as soon as he can, which stresses him out to no avail.
he bursts through the door four hours later, finding stella reading a magazine on the couch.
"stell!" he says, running towards her.
"hey baby." she hugs him, bringing him down to the couch with her. stella presses her lips to his, but kendall is confused.
"aren't you sick?" he pulls away.
her face breaks into a huge smile. "about that..." stella gets up from the couch and walks to the kitchen.
kendall looks at her quizzically, as she comes back with a piece of paper in her hands.
"i have something to show you." she says, holding the paper close to her.
"okay..." kendall smiles at her, utterly confused.
stella carefully sits next to him on the couch. "here."
kendall recognizes the picture immediately. he used to frame them when rava was pregnant with iverson.
"what is this?" he holds up the ultrasound. it's too good to be true, right? tears prick his eyes.
stella is crying already, and takes his hand. "that's inside of me."
he looks down at the black and white photo again. a fuzzy, bean-looking object sits, next to another, smaller object. he's speechless for the first time in his life.
"what is that?" he whispers, pointing to the smaller object on the page.
stella looks at him, and he really can't read her for once.
"this surprise comes with another surprise." she laughs.
kendall's crying, but he takes another look. "is that..."
"yeah."
"two?" he smiles wide.
"i'm pregnant." she finally says, putting her hands on his cheeks. "baby, we're having twins."
they both burst out into crying giggles, hugging. kendall kisses her all over, stopping at her stomach. it's still pretty flat, but he knows her body so well he swears he can see a tiny bump growing.
THIS WAS SO FUN AND LOVELY TO WRITE I LOVE THEM AND I HOPE U DO TOO
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#okay so ive been super stressed about money lately right#im always stressed about money but thats not the point here#part of the reason i was stressed was because i had a car that i was paying off and expensive insurance for it#it amounted to like. $600 a month with both of those#whoch doesnt seem like a lot but then i have $600 a month rent and a loan and various other ridiculous things#money is the worst thing in the world and it shouldnt exist#but thats not important#insurance payed off most but not all of my car loan which was very stressful because now i was paying for a car that i didnt even have#the entire ordeal was stressful#oh the reason i dont havhave the car is because i crashcrashed. maybethats important context#but i looked at the money owed on the car loan and. its only $750 total#thats two payments and then im done#and my insurance will be lower for my new car#ill be done with car payments andand have lower insurance and maybe ill finally be able to save some money#instead of constantly being on the edge of homelessness#im almost there. im almost there. two moremore months.
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Here’s the deal. I started having a lot of pain in my lower back, legs and hips. At first, I went to the chiropractor and he did some adjustments. I seriously felt so much better.
My regular doctor had prescribed some medicine for me for an unrelated thing and it made me so sick. I’d be so nauseous that I’d have to go get fresh air...walk it off...or even splash water on my face. That had been going on even when I was in Knoxville.
Aircheck had asked me to talk about my ACM trip to Vegas when we won in 2019. I’m sure there were people who thought it was funny or maybe even crass...but they asked what I thought or what was going through my head at that ceremony...and I think my answer was something to the effect of “I was trying not to throw up” or something like that. My stomach was on fire and I felt so dizzy. My face was all flushed and hot. I thought about going to the ER there in Vegas...but I was afraid I’d miss the reason I was there...to pick up the ACM for our station. I think it was win number seven for the station...as a PD it was my third...and it was still a pretty big deal. Honest to God, I didn’t want to let anyone down. I also wasn’t sure if it was food poisoning or something. When I got back to Knoxville, went to my doctor...they ran tests...gave me some medicine...and I thought that was the end of it. They still couldn’t figure out what was going on with me, though.
I left Knoxville and moved to the Tri Cities. Best decision I’ve made in years, by the way. I truly love these people. They’ve done a phenomenal job of protecting their product and their people and I believe that’s why this station is still so healthy when many other legendary stations have suffered. The stress level dropped substantially. It’s amazing what can be accomplished when the station and the people are a priority. Which by the way...XBQ has been so much like KAT Country. It’s been everything I love about radio and thought I’d never experience again. These people couldn’t be farther apart...yet be so much alike. It’s a good thing.
The main thing bothering me then...was my back and legs. Kept having some really nasty pain. The pain was so intense sometimes that it made me nauseous. My face was flushed...I had a fever...then I didn’t have one. Maybe it was my weight? I was getting up to pee a lot at night. Only sleeping one or two hours in a stretch. It was all these things that I never put together.
I wanted to get healthy. Told my doctor I wasn’t going to take that medicine that made me feel so bad...just in case that was the problem. My endocrinologist was cool with that. I started the keto diet. Actually...I did keto up until right before Thanksgiving.
I was so happy. My thyroid is absolutely hateful...so losing weight is the hardest thing to do it seems. On keto...I dropped over 30 pounds. Wow! I thought that was great!! Everything felt better. My energy levels were up. I’d get up at 4am and wouldn’t stop until 11pm...and everything was good...until my hip, back and legs started hurting again. It was so bad one morning that the guys I work with called chiropractors for me. It was awful.
The pain had never really stopped...but at a certain point you just get used to the pain and move on as best you can. That’s what I did up until a few weeks ago. If you know me, you know that I love Toys For Tots, St Jude, Second Harvest, etc. We were out with the marines working on Toys For Tots and I ended up having to miss one day because I hurt so bad. Now for me...that’s bad.
It never let up. I’ve just pushed through and tried to “suck it up” since then. That was a couple of weeks before Christmas. Y’all I seriously thought it might be psychosomatic. Maybe it was all in my head. If it hurt...I’d try to stretch or move and work it out of my body...but that NEVER worked.
So...I go back to the chiropractor. Those guys were so good to me. They can electrocute me anytime they want. (All hail the TENS unit!!) That seemed to be working...and then we had a little bit of a COVID scare at work...(everyone is okay, thank goodness). Around that time...I was running a fever off and on. Low grade. There were some other things that weren’t feeling quite right...so...just to be safe...I got another COVID test and quarantined. Still...I felt like I was ALWAYS in pain. Sometimes it was so bad...I couldn’t move or do anything in any way to make it stop. It made me want to cry. It was embarrassing. It was frustrating because I couldn’t get it to let up. It got so bad that last Saturday I drove myself to the ER to get checked out.
Urgent Care said they couldn’t help because I needed “imaging”. Well...I got that imaging done folks. Turns out...I have a scary mass on my right ovary. It’s pretty huge.
I went in Saturday night...terrified of being around sick people...but it had to be done. The pain was so intense...that my blood pressure shot sky high...and my nose starting bleeding. The doctor ordered morphine, Norco and a CT scan.
The guy doing the scan was a travel nurse. He went from being pretty chatty to sort of quiet and reserved after the test. When they injected the dye into me...he was telling me it would hurt...and it was nothing compared to what I was feeling.
I woke up two hours after the scan to the doctor on call sitting next to my bed and looking sorta weird at me. She told me they’d received my test results and everything I’d said was right on the money.
The burning, pressure, aching, tension...all of it...was related to what she referred to as “not the biggest mass” she’d ever seen...but “one of the largest”. She was surprised I’d been walking around with this thing in me for God knows how long.
Now here’s where the story goes off the rails.
That doctor at Ballad mentioned the word “cancer” about nine times in that room. That was the “suspected” diagnosis. She said I needed to follow up and see another doctor because of what could be “cancer”...and told me they’d have to see if it had spread anywhere.
Now...that was a LOT to take in. So...I did what any other person with an iPhone, an unlimited data plan and tons of morphine in their system would do...I looked that crap up on “Dr Internet”.
The next time a nurse came in...I asked her...”Umm did you guys do a CA 125 test?”
That same poor sweet nurse, who would go on to blow a vein...and push the medicine through the IV into my skin, thereby causing a monster of a bruise and making my vein get rock hard...she said in this really hushed tone...”I don’t know...I’ll ask. I saw your report. I’m so sorry.”
At this point...I’m facing my mortality. I just wanted out of there. I wanted this damn thing out of me...I wanted answers...I wanted everything to be okay.
I still want everything to be okay.
By the way...she never came back in with the answer to that CA 125 test question. So I took that as a hard “no”...or “they did it and don’t want to tell me”.
Monday I was back in the ER. Doubled over, in tears.
The doctor ordered pain medicine...that never came in the four hours I was there. That was NOT a fun time. The nurses just let me sit there. To her credit...the doctor was pretty furious when she found out they’d ignored her orders. Once again...this other doctor looks at me and says...”You know they think this is cancer?”
No. Still no test...but she made an appointment for me with a local oncologist.
Now...that CA 125 antigen test is not infallible, nor is it the end-all-be-all test for ovarian cancer. It is a marker though specifically for ovarian cancer.
So if they’re telling you that you have a massive tumor and it could be cancer...(two doctors over two visits..the word has been dropped about a dozen times...it’s also in the CT report...you’d think someone would bust out a needle...draw the blood...see what that looks like...and get you in the right frame of mind in case it is this horrible bastard of a disease!! Right? Wrong.)
The mass at the time was 10.3cm x 10.3cm x 7.1cm.
The oncologist couldn’t see me for a week...the gynecologist couldn’t see me until February 1st.
Yeah. No big hurry. I’m just having trouble walking. I’m in tears. I’m peeing...like a teaspoon at a time. I know that’s graphic...but if you don’t pee...you need to get checked. I felt like I was (and still feel, by the way) in the middle of a massive labor pain that wouldn’t ease off. It’s pain that makes you want to throw up sometimes. It’s super intense.
I went home that second time...sat down in my room...and I couldn’t help but tear up. I’ve cried two and a half times over the “state of things” since this started. Those are the “what am I going to do” tears...totally different from the “oh Lord this hurts like hell...dear God make it stop” tears.
Talked to our friend Eric who told me it was a shame I didn’t live in Nashville...because I could probably call Vanderbilt and be seen pretty quickly. Eric...was right. I’m three hours from Vanderbilt...but only an hour or so from Knoxville.
I called UT. (Go Vols!) That football situation isn’t ideal...but that hospital ain’t half bad.
Within less than an hour...the head Oncologist had looked over my CT scan and was working to get me in there ASAP. They’d have taken me that day...but it was too late in the day and I’d never make it down there in time. So...they scheduled me for Wednesday morning.
Before I walked out of the room that morning...they told me they were going to operate and get this out of me by Monday at the very latest. The schedule was full...so they needed to check on a few things before I left the hospital...just in case there was torsion or whatever.
I had a CA 125 test. That looked good from what I understand but my CT scan and sonogram looked sketchy. The mass appeared to be even larger since Saturday?!? (It showed up as being 12.6cm x 13.3cm x 8.3cm) They gave me a COVID test and told me to self isolate until my surgery...which is scheduled for tomorrow.
It was upon learning how much larger this thing had become...that I named it...”Larry King”.
I don’t know why...but that seemed to be the name that fit whatever this thing is inside me. In my mind...it looks like Larry King...holding two shot glasses. One shot glass is filled with Dewar’s...the other is filled with Metamucil. He has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth...but I don’t know if he’s a “smoker” yet.
If it officially comes back as cancer...I’ll let you know. If it doesn’t...I’ll let you know that, too.
I’m not writing this for pity or attention...on the contrary. It’s all a lot for me to take in...and I’m just not sure how to process it all. Writing it out sort of helps.
In the middle of all of this over the past week...Tom Starr passed away. He was such a sweet man. There’s a picture that he took of us at CRS...it’s me...Tom...Lisa McKay and Heather Davis. I think Heather wrote a caption that said something like “it’s so hard to believe half of the people in this picture are gone”.
That was pretty heavy.
I’m still trying to process that actually. I thought the world of Tom, loved Lisa McKay (she got me when so many others didn’t)...and just to the left...there I was. I felt like a jerk for even taking a moment to feel bad for myself. There are so many other people who have it so much worse than I do. And what if there’s nothing to this thing? What if it’s just some sort freak thing? There are so many people who’ve fought so hard and powered through so much and here I am...maybe worried for nothing...getting ready to have surgery...and it feels wrong to worry about myself. Whatever is done is done and I’ll fight whatever I need to fight. If it’s not cancer (oh God please let them all be wrong) then I have a lot of things that I need to do...and other people’s opinions and judgment that don’t have any place in my head or the right to exist in my life’s body of work or otherwise. I’ll just keep praying for them.
I keep telling myself those doctors could be wrong. Until I see a pathology report...this isn’t real.
While I appreciate and am thankful for any prayers you can send up on my behalf...please don’t feel obliged to write anything on this post. Seriously. I just needed to get this all out and behind me.
I HATE “bleeding on the internet”. It’s a serious pet peeve. Not everyone is worthy of knowing everything that’s going on...nor should they be expected to care...but I realize sometimes people need reinforcement and support. I still don’t like sharing MY business on here. It feels weird. I’ll talk about things on the air...that I don’t care to regurgitate on Facebook.
I’ll talk about award shows, TV, things that are funny...pictures...but it’s not my business who you vote for or what you believe in. I’m just glad that you DO. Better to have convictions and purpose than be apathetic. Over the years...it’s been amazing to see how a simple picture I’ve posted or link (without even commenting on it...just a pic or simple URL) how it can make people lose their minds.
You will never solve life’s problems on Facebook or any other social media platform. It controls you. You/we are merely the peanut gallery from which billions of dollars are “mined” every single minute we’re on here.
The smartest thing I ever had laid on me about social media was from an interview with a Silicon Valley person that said “If you’re not creating the product...you ARE the product. Think about that.
Our world is so messed up right now. And no matter what party you’re affiliated with...it just seems very wrong to lump everyone together and vilify them all. Not everyone is evil. Not everyone is right or wrong. Writing people off is so inhumane. You really can disagree with someone and not hate them.
I remember being at a concert in a few years ago and had just learned some pretty tough stuff that was impacting a competitor, and shared that with one of the leaders that I worked with. They’d taken a huge blow...which was awesome strategically...but it happened at the same time the competitors PD had lost his mother. I remember expressing that I felt bad for the guy (specifically about losing his mother)...and without batting an eye...the guy I worked with said he didn’t feel sorry for him at all. “That’s just too bad!” He said other things but I won’t go there because that would reveal who that person is...and the person for whom he was speaking about that day. Now...in my heart I hoped that guy who up until then I’d had so much respect for...did NOT know what happened to this guys mom. It just felt gross talking to him. I never looked at him the same way again. It was all about depth. There was nothing there. Very disappointing. I once cared what this guy thought about me...but that was done. And living through this now underscores that feeling and reminds me on a personal level what really is important. That’s a lot for a workaholic like me to process.
I’m signing off now. It got sort of “ramblesque” there at the end. Sorry about that. As for all the other stuff...I’ll let you know how it all turns out.
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I need some help. Please.
Okay, so this is my baby, Alex
On the morning of August 25, I lost him. This is a hard post to write.
I drove home late Saturday august 24th because he wasn’t doing well (my mom took care of him while I’m at school but I FaceTimed him every single day)
Alex wasn’t eating or pooping, this has happened before but we can usually get him out of it by using pear juice, baby gas drops, tummy massages, critical care and other things. I knew this time was different. We got him to the emergency vet (over an hour away) at around 8:30 PM. He was different this time.
They took an x-Ray and did some bloodwork and found he had a big gas bubble in his tummy. And the bloodwork showed his potassium and proteins were off. His temperature was Also a little low, running 99ish and rabbits should run over 100
They wanted to hospitalize him for 24 hours but I didn’t want to leave my baby. We stayed for a while and they gave him pain meds, he became very sleepy after this, this is the last picture I have of him alive, he was sleeping in my arms
They started an IV drip to hydrate him and hopefully get things moving, there was also pain medication in the drip.
We left him there but got a hotel 5 minutes away. ($120) I slept absolutely none, and called to check on him ever 1-2 hours.
I called at 4am and they tell me his temperature had dropped (96ish) and were planning on starting syringe feeding at 6am if there were no improvements
He didn’t make it to 6
I woke my mother and we went there straight away. We get there about 4:10 and he was in a small room they have for rabbits and it was really warm trying to raise his temp. At this point we’re doing almost everything, there’s one other thing they can do.
A procedure where they sedate him and go in his stomach with a tube and release the gas (which he still had not passed)
I agree to this because it was a last resort, my baby wasn’t eating or using the bathroom. I sat on the floor and held him for a couple minutes before they took him to do the procedure. I remember holding him and putting my head on his and thinking “I hope this isn’t the last time I get to hold him, I have to remember this moment.” And it was the last time I held him alive.
They did the procedure and the vet comes out and says they got a good amount of gas out and he pooped one pellet, I was hopeful. I went back to see him and he was laying on the table, groggy from the sedation. I rubbed him and told him I loved him. I told them about how sweet of a bun he was, how he loved to get under the recliner and thought it was a game, how he just got a scooby doo chair that made him feel like a king.
They took him back to let him rest and I thought he could use it so I went to the waiting room. I’ve questioned and went over 1000 times or more in my head if I did the right thing. Because about 10-20 minutes later the vet comes and tells me Alex has arrested.
My baby. Writing this is beyond hard. I scream, I cry, she leaves and said something about CPR. I run to the back and open a door, I see him on the table and her trying to revive him. The vet tech comes out and tells me she’s doing what she can, I scream, I beg them to save him. He wanted to come home. I screamed I didn’t care about the money, just to help him.
They brought me my limp baby boy in a blanket, brown stuff all over his mouth and I cried and begged him to wake up. He didn’t. My baby was gone and gone too soon.
To you he may be just a rabbit but he was my baby, he helped me through things in ways I never thought he could. I found a love for rabbits, much more then them just being cute, they have personality and he was the best boy, he just wanted to be loved and he was, but I wanted to love him more and more and more and more.
Early in the night we realized the bill was going to be much more than the money we had in our pocket or our bank accounts. So we applied for care credit and were allowed $1,500. The total ended up being a little over 1,600 and we used $200 something from my grandmas credit card that we will have to pay back to her. The whole time I said “it’s okay, Alex has insurance, they’ll cover most of it right?”
WRONG. I got NATIONWIDE exotic pet insurance for emergencies like this and I submitted a claim. They are willing to give us a whopping $279??? So we called to find out the reason, and here’s the gag. They’ll only cover up to a certain amount of $ for a certain issue, so for GI Stasis (which is in simple terms what Alex had but there was other stuff going on) they only cover $140. They have a limit they will pay for each health issue so essentially Alex would have to have been even worse for them to cover more (I don’t remember what the other $139 went to) the exam itself cost $130. So honestly boycott nationwide because not only did they do this but we called the day it happened and told them to cancel the policy because he was deceased and when we called to question the amount, the policy was STILL ACTIVE!
So I’ve got this thing to pay off and if it’s not paid off in 6 months it gains 14% interest, not on what you have left to pay, but on the entire loan amount. Which is almost $200 more. I’m a student and will be doing work study but I can only work 80 hours per semester and will make less than $700 if I did all that. My dad doesn’t work because he has multiple sclerosis (and so do I, yippi! 😕) my mom is picking up every shift she can but we have extra medical bills because I just started a new medication after having a relapse on my old one.
I’ve been in a super depressed state since losing him, not being able to eat, drink, shower, or just generally take care of myself. This bill is a big stressor because I know it’s stressful to my mother as well and I worry about losing her too. I hope this post gets seen by people that would be willing to help me or at least pass this post on so that others could. I would never ask for this if I wasn’t desperate.
I’d do anything to hold my baby again, to tell him how much I love him, get nose kisses and give him treats, I’d pay even more. I’m going to post a couple more pictures of him and then my links to PayPal/cash app/ and Venmo at the bottom if anyone wants to donate to help me. If this gets a lot of attention somehow and I get enough to pay the bill off I will not let people continue to give me money, I will post updates of the care credit balance once i make payments. Here’s my baby:
My paypal: https://www.paypal.me/mikalaalex
Cashapp: $mikalaalex
Venmo: mikalaalex
#bunny#booplesnoot#help#help me pay a bill#paypal#cashapp#venmo#donate#rainbow bridge#please help me#please reblog#if you can donate at least spread this post#my baby#dutch rabbit#emergency#emergency vet#i really need help#im not kidding#depressed#ive been in such a bad state and this bill is just one big reminder
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Hello 2021
January 2, 2021
I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.
I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.
I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.
January
Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.
February – March
Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…
START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.
April
Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao
May
Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.
June
Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.
I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)
July
THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.
Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..
I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.
Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.
August
I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.
I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.
On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.
September
ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!
I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.
Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)
*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo
October
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.
Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.
NOVEMBER
WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.
I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.
December
WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.
Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.
I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)
Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..
JANUARY (NOW)
After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.
I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.
I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.
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triplets playdate at 2yeon's house —🍊
“saya!” seojun laughed as saya ran into his arms. “hi saya-ya.”
“seojunie!” the twenty month old gave her cousin the biggest smile she had. “seojunie hi!”
“sae!” yuna ran to sae once she was in sight, instantly embracing the middle triplet. she smiled a muttered a quiet “yuna” as she hugged yuna back. saki who was perched on tzuyu’s hip looked at the older adults and smiled. saki had taken to hanging out with the adults lately. she loved showing off her communication skills and getting their praise. sana would think it was cute if she didn’t know saki was only in it for the praise.
“hyung let me hug saya!” hyunjun complained.
“sorry about them, you know they are always eager to play with the triplets.” jeongyeon apologized for her sons.
“oh it’s okay. ever since saya learned how she asks for her ‘seojunie’ and her ‘kihyunie’ every day.” sana giggled. “sae is the same way about yuna.”
“what about saki?” nayeon asked, already patting her niece’s head. “who’s your favorite playmate baby?”
“eunji!” saki giggled. “eunji is saki’s!”
“every time we ask her who she wants to play with it’s always eunji.” mina rolled her eyes. “she’s really possessive over eunji too, anytime they play together we have to pull saki away she never wants to let go.”
“aww i bet they will make a cute couple one day.” nayeon cooed, playing with saki’s messy hair.
“no no. no dating.” mina nodded. “not until they are twenty.”
“i agree mina.” jeongyeon sighed. “seojun is turning out to be quite the ladies man, i don’t want him dating until he’s at least 18. it was the worst trait for him to inherit from nayeon.”
“hey!” nayeon whined as jeongyeon continued to tease her.
“you think any of the triplets will be naturally flirty like sana?” tzuyu asked mina. “my money’s on saya.”
“saki does love praise.” mina laughed. “saya is the more reckless one though. it’s a tough call. maybe both of them?”
“hey i can hear you two.” sana whined. “who’s the person who takes care of your ruts?”
“you are.” mina and tzuyu both said in sync knowing they had pissed sana off.
“and who’s the one that gave you your precious children?”
“you are.”
“that’s right.” sana huffed, but mina and tzuyu both had to hold back giggles because sana’s huff looked like a little pout.
“anyway i think we should go check on the kids. i can’t see saya anymore and that’s stressing me out.” tzuyu pointed out, peeking over at the living room.
“i can’t see seojun either.” jeongyeon sighed. “they are either running around somewhere or playing hide and seek. either way it’s concerning.” the other adults nodded and they migrated to the living room. sae and yuna were still on the carpet playing with their stuffed dogs and they found hyunjun playing with them. saya and seojun were in the corner, saya on seojun’s back covering his eyes.
“seojun what are you doing?”
“saya’s wrestling me. and she’s winning.” he informed.
“saya win.” saya added, seojun clearly being the on to hold saya.
“good job saya.” tzuyu sighed. “that’s my girl.”
“saki you want to join?” sana asked.
“no saki want mama.” saki cuddled closer to tzuyu’s scent gland.
“she’s spoken.” tzuyu sighed, putting her hand on the back of saki’s head. “she’s so clingy lately.”
“yeah seojun did that with nayeon for a while as a toddler. he’s always been a spoiled little mommy’s boy.” jeongyeon sighed.
“he’s my baby boy, i know your jealous.” nayeon teased.
“i’m not jealous. i have hyunjun.” jeongyeon nodded.
“sure your not.” nayeon stuck her tongue out before shifting her attention to saki, trying to get her baby niece to play with her.
the adults continued conversation while nayeon played with saki and the other kids played with each other. it was interrupted when yuna pulled on jeongyeon’s pant leg.
“mama can we play with kookeu?”
“honey no saki’s allergic.” jeongyeon nodded. “kookeu stays in mommy and mama’s room.”
“please?” yuna used her puppy dog eyes she got from nayeon and jeongyeon’s resolve instantly crumbled.
“you and sae can play with him in mama and mommy’s room.” jeongyeon caved, yuna’s expression instnatly brightening.
“thank you mama!” jeongyeon sighed as she got up and went to let yuna and sae into her bedroom.
“you know sae wants us to get a dog too.” sana giggled. “she always asks me ‘mommy sae get puppy?’ with those super cute eyes. it’s hard to say no to her.”
“we are not getting a dog. saki is allergic and i do not want to clean up kid gunk and dog hair.” mina rolled her eyes.
“you know you guys could get a hypoallergenic dog. they have some that don’t shed or anything.” nayeon commented.
“yeah ive been looking into them there are some breeds that are hypoallergenic and don’t shed.” tzuyu added. “they are pretty cute too.”
“no dog.” mina nodded. “not until these three aren’t practically puppies themselves.”
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boyfriend!chan
❣ summary: chan is working super hard for his next comeback, and he’s very clingy once he comes back. he’s also very adamant on being the best boyfriend you’ll ever have
❣ warnings: none, i think!
❣ request: yes!
❣ a/n: i kinda,,, went overboard anon im sorry :( i hope u like it ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ masterlist
Your boyfriend was super hard-working, and although you admired him for it, it was both his greatest personality aspect and his worst. Chan was an angel, he really was, but this comeback was absolutely tiring him out. He did his best to keep up with you and give you attention, but as the comeback approached, the messages got scarcer and scarcer. You weren’t upset with him because you knew that he was in an incredibly demanding field of work, and thus, couldn’t always give you his undivided attention. Chan still felt bad though and always spoiled you when he had free time. You scolded him every time, but he could never take you seriously with how flustered you always ended up. Chan was the kind of guy who went all out in everything he did, and this included gifts. For your year and half anniversary (was that even a thing people celebrated?) he had written you a song and given you a matching set of necklaces. Chris was just everything you could’ve asked for and more, he always listened and did his best to make the relationship run smoothly. Even when you had gotten insecure about dating him, thinking that he would fall for another idol or suddenly come to a realization that you weren’t good enough, he always reassured you. It had been nearly two years now, and coincidentally your anniversary was only a couple days after their first comeback stage.
You weren’t too worried about it, Chan always took this sort of thing very seriously. Even if he didn’t do anything too special, you wouldn’t get upset with him. He was a busy guy, and you were aware of this when you started to date him. It was actually Chris who was nervous about dating you, not because of the fans or media but because he feared not giving you the love, care, and attention that you deserved. Even with how understanding you were, you still missed him. It was a good thing exams were coming up because otherwise you would be getting nostalgic rereading the text messages between you and him. And you tried not to do that, you really did but studying was so boring and stressful, all you wanted to do was fall asleep with Chan. You were almost successful with your studying session, but you swore that you had heard your phone buzz. You nearly lept onto your bed, and no there weren’t any messages but, a break couldn’t hurt right?
that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: hey babe im sorry for not giving you attention
that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: ive just been swamped with work
that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: i miss u and im three secs away from abandoning my kids. i am so tired. i love you baby
that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: by the way did you change my contact name?
you: its okay chris! dont worry about it, work is a priority. I love you too :(
you: and yes!
you: sent an image
the nice guy whojust has a lot of money: im divorcing u and leaving you with the kids
you: no please im not ready to be a single parent
you: channie please i love u
the nice guy who just has a lot of money: okay for love i guess
the nice guy who has just has a lot of money: i guess...i really am a nice guy who just has a lot of money
the nice guy who just has a lot of money: i have to go, i’ll try calling later but no promises. i miss and love you lots baby
you: oh mYGOD
you: please remember to rest babe, i love and miss u too
You sighed, shutting off your phone and holding it against your chest. He hadn’t called that day, nor since. You understood that he had responsibilities, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, you guess. Their comeback stage was tomorrow, and they were driving over to a city who’s name you forgot. You would’ve gone, if you hadn’t had finals all day and it was hours away. You felt terrible for not being able to go out and support him but Chan insisted that you stayed and rested instead of taking a bus up to their stage. You loved that man, you really did. You glared at the textbook on your desk, hoping that it would suddenly set combust into flames. But alas, you were but a mortal. Before resuming your studying, you pulled at your desk drawer to reread the motivational sticky notes that Chan would always leave around your place. You sighed, looking over the sticky notes that have since lost their sticks but made your face warm just staring at it.
Like mate, stop procrastinating!
If you get better than a passing grade i’ll let you yell at me about sleeping
Do you know how smart you are? You’re like Einstein, if he was hot
I love you but i’ll love you a little less if you fail
You smiled to yourself, your cheeks hurting and flustered from the notes. You must’ve been a patron saint in your past life because he was just, amazing. You really hoped there was a future in store for the two of you, because he made you feel like it was your first time falling in love all over again. He made you weak in the knees, and always made you feel like you were the only one for him. Maybe it was a little silly how those sticky notes motivated you, but whatever worked, right? You continued to review the notes, Chan’s voice nagging you about the formulas you hadn’t quite memorized yet in your head. But eventually, your eyes grew weary and you shut off your desk lamp, collapsing onto your bed.
Exams were, in short, not fun. You were fairly sure you had passed, but only by the hair on your head. Maybe it was the anxiety speaking- you had yet to completely flunk an exam, but it could always happen. You’d worry about that in a couple weeks, it was future you’s problem. Right now, all you wanted was to eat take-out and watch Stray Kid’s comeback. It was fairly late when you got back home, the light outside already dimming and fading to a night gradient. You watched the clock anxiously, waiting for their stage to air on TV.
You were never one to overreact, but something about seeing your boyfriend doing what he loved on stage, seeing all his hard work pay off- it made you yell at the screen. It made you yell in the same way a sports fan yells at the players and refs, and only Chris could do this to you. As soon as his stage ended, you texted him, hyping him up. You knew he’d be doing a live shortly after, but at least he’d see it soon enough. Unfortunately, you collapsed in the middle of his live, exhaustion finally catching up with you. You thought your phone buzzed again but being half-asleep you brushed it off.
“___! ___, get up!”
“Love of mine, light of my life, shh…”
You groaned but laughed as he pulled at your arms. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he pulled you closer. “I missed you,” he murmured against your lips, pressing a kiss on them, “I’m sorry about being gone so much.” You tilted your head, smiling at him. “Hey,” you said softly, cupping your face, “Don’t worry about it, let’s get some sleep. Actually, what time is it?”
“Three am.”
“Chris!”
“Look,” he whined, “You can’t yell at me I drove six hours to be with you.” He threw you over his shoulder, “Plus, we’re going to sleep, like right now. I’ll even sleep in.” He flopped you on your bed and you crossed your arms as he took off his shirt, wiggling your eyebrows. “Wow,” you teased, “He’s hot.”
“You’re so gross,” he murmured, laying his head on your chest but not before leaving butterfly kisses up your collarbone, “How did the test go?” You sighed, playing wth his head of curly hair. “It went okay, I think. But this isn’t about me. Your stage was amazing, you did great. Phenomenal, spectacular, fantastic, ground-breaking-”
“Alright!” he sighed, “I don’t deserve you.” He tightened his arms around your waist, kissing your shoulder again. “Oh, Chris don’t start,” you scolded softly, “You’re the greatest boyfriend ever, and you work really hard. Now, shut up and go to sleep.”
“You have such a way with words, I’m swooning.”
“I love you.”
“I love you more.”
“I love you most.”
“Impossible-”
“Hm? What? I can’t hear you over the enormous amount of sleep I’m getting.”
You groaned, moving to rub your eyes but finding Chan’s arms tightly wound around you. “Don’t even think about it,” his voice was raspy and low, “I got it.”
“Chan,” you whined, “You have to eat, just stay in-”
“Later.”
You sighed again, and Chris pulled you closer pressing lazy kisses up your neck and jaw. His eyes were still closed, and you looked at him dreamily. His hair was messy, and he looked so much more relaxed, muscles less tight and tense. He was under so much stress, and it was good to see him finally take a break, even if it was only for a couple of hours. You fell asleep against his chest, feeling each heartbeat against the side of your face. And maybe you should’ve felt a little bad for waiting until he fell into a deep sleep to wriggle out of his arms (which was weirdly difficult, the guy had a strong grip) to make him breakfast. You weren’t sure what diet he was on, but you were sure that no one would mind if he cheated just a little bit.
“____! Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”
You exhaled, biting the inside of your cheek as you heard him step into the kitchen, trying your best to ignore. He hugged you from the back, letting his head rest on your shoulder, kissing the nape of your neck. “I told you we could do it later.”
“Well, it is later, Chan.”
“But we could’ve just ordered something,” he whined, “Come back to bed, please.”
“After I make you breakfast.”
“I really hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this.”
“Come to wh-?”
He picked you up, throwing you over his shoulder. “Chris put me down or I swear-”
“No,” he sat on top of you, “We’re ordering in, and we’re going to eat in bed and stay here until we become one with the bed.”
“You’re crushing me,” you groaned, “Get off you bum.”
“It’s the diet they’ve got me on, I’ve got hella gains, man.”
“Yeah I saw your thrist trap on insta, you hoe.”
“It’s not a thirst trap!”
“Well, I don’t know about that. Have you read the comments?”
“Now, listen-”
“Shut up,” you propped yourself up and kissed him, and as he leaned into it, you pushed him off.
“You play so, so dirty,” he whined, “Come here and make it up to me.” You snorted but rolled into his arms anyway. “I love you,” you said and stared at him, “A lot. Even with your hella gains, man.” He cupped your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks. “But I love you most.” You opened your mouth so protest, but he shushed you with a kiss. “Don’t start,” he said in between gasps of deep kisses, “Just let me spoil you.”
It had been a couple days since their first stage, and later that day Chris needed to go back to the dorms to tend to his children. He insisted on staying longer, but Woojin was blowing up his phone. You guessed that the group got themselves in another mess. Your anniversary was coming up, and this was the first time you were scared that he forgot. He was usually much better about this than you, and always went a bit too far with his gifts. You had already got his present, an expensive chain necklace you took extra shifts to pay for, but it was worth it when the jeweler handed you the chain. You loved the idea of people getting their boyfriends flowers, so you got an arrangement made. You even had a photo album made of your favorite moments together, and songs that were attached to those moments. Okay, maybe it was a little corny, but you worked hard on it. Chan hadn’t messaged you since then, and you assumed it was because he was busy, but you were getting antsy.
And just like you had before, you nearly jumped to your phone when you heard your phone buzz.
iron man in the streets but better than tony: check under your bed
you: ?? okay
You crouched on the floor, pulling out a simple box, and inside of it was silk clothing with a card with an address and time stamp on it.
you: chris
you: what have you done
you: CHRISTOPHER
you: IM GOING TO END YOU
you: YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T GOING OVERBOARD
you: YOU IDIOT YOU HAVE READ RECEIPTS ON
You’d be lying if there wasn’t a stupid grin on your face as you put on your attire. It took you a while to get ready, work and school hadn’t exactly given you room for self-care but you tried your best to look nice. You looked up the address, and much to your dismay, it was an overpriced fine dining restaurant. The cab driver gushed over your date, complimenting you and wishing you the best of luck on your future endeavours, even blessing your marriage. It was a little weird, but endearing. You hadn’t even called a cab, but instead you got a message saying your ride was there.
You expected Chan to be outside waiting for you outside, but instead, you were greeted by a very nice waiter who’s name you didn’t catch. He beckoned you to follow him. The restaurant was pantheon themed, very airy and light colors decorating the entire place. It was definetly the nicest restaurant you’ve ever been to, but you thought the same thing for your year and half anniversary too. You clutched onto your gifts awkwardly, and the waiter helped you carry the bouquet of flowers.
“Any chance you can tell me what else he has planned?”
“Afraid not, he warned me about this.”
“Smart man.”
You were sat at a table in the center, the stained glass letting a pool of warm colors illuminate the room and everyone’s faces. The flowers sat delicately on your lap, and the jewelry box laid on tope of the table, your fingers dancing across it’s edges. That’s when you heard the violins start playing, crowding around your table and playing a dainty tune. You felt a blush creep on your cheeks as you rubbed them, trying to smile less. And there he was, on top of the small stage meant for the classical instrument players to sit on. You wanted to glare at him, but all you could do was smile at his gestures. He winked at you, beginning to sing a song. You were about to cry, rubbing your eyes as the song ended.
“Was I that bad?”
“No, god, no,” you pulled out the flowers and handed it to him, “I know that can’t be the end of it, so let me give these to you.” He looked through the photo album, pursing his lips as tears brimmed at the brink of his eyes. He opened the jewelry box, pulling out the fancy chain necklace you had gotten him. “Oh, baby,” he murmured, “Did you pick up extra shifts for these? You shouldn’t have…”
“Chan, literally look at everything you planned, and say that to my face again.” He smiled, pulling the chain over his head so he could wear it with his suit. You decided that he looks best while wearing fancy suits like this. Perfectly tailored to him, even if bits of chest was visible through his half-buttoned shirt. “You’re right though,” he said, “I’m not done.” He pulled out a little box out of a pocket from inside his jacket. “It’s a promise ring,” he said as he slid it across the table, “You are the love of my life, ____, and I think it’s a bit too early to full-on propose to you, but I want to make the promise that I will one day.”
You opened the box, the expensive ring nearly blinding you as the warm light hit it. “God, I hate you so much, Chris,” tears were streaming at your face, a smile glued to your face.
“Do you like it?”
“No.”
“No? We could change it- or replace it? Or-”
“I love it, and you so much.”
“I love you most.”
“No-”
“Shh,” he kissed you, “Don’t start.”
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Hopefully tumblr doesnt eat this p.1 again! Its been so long since Ive dropped by and said hello to one of my favorite people so hello Coon! I feel like Ive been so busy I dont have time to drop bye and say hello these days How are you? Are you doing well? I hope you are bc you deserve so much happiness. I also wanted to do a status update on the fact that Im now writing again! I took a longer break than I thought I would but hey Im now more motivated than ever so I guess it all worked out ^^
I AM
A HORRIBLE, ULTIMATELY TERRIBLE RACCOON.
JAZ.
IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE YOU LAST DROPPED THIS IN MY INBOX AND I’M JUST REPLYING NOW.
AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? IT’S NOT EVEN THAT I DIDN’T HAVE TIME.
I JUST. I PUT THIS IN MY DRAFTS SO THAT THE SECOND ASK, THE BIT IN THE IMAGE, WOULD BE SAFE EVEN IF DELETED FROM THE COMPUTER (LIKE IT HAPPENED TO MY OTHER ASKS)
AND SINCE THEN I DIDN’T BOTHER GOING TO MY DRAFTS.
AND I FORGOT THIS WAS HERE.
JAZ.
JAZ OMG
JAZ PLEASE HIT ME WITH A NEWSPAPER I’M A HORRIBLE CREATURE HOW IN THE W O R L D COULD I FORGET TO REPLY TO YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
*PUNCHES THROUGH THE WALL*
*SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK*
*EXPLODES*
ALKSJDALKFJGADLKGJAGLKAGJAD
Okay you let me add a keep reading right here aaah ;A;
Oh my god, Jaz….Jaz I’m so sorry, I don’t even know where to start apologizing, I’m so sorry. I honestly forgot and that’s the worst part. If I had been busy for real I would have had an excuse at least, but the truth was just that; I put this in my drafts and then forgot it was there. I rarely check my drafts because that’s where I put stuff that I want to reblog at some point but don’t know when because it’s not FFXV related so I just wait until I’m done with the XV reblogs but I never am, and I just assumed everything in drafts was stuff to reblog, I totally forgot there was an ask here that I hadn’t replied to and that it was yours, I’m so sorry, so, so, so sorry, Jaz… :(
I don’t offer an excuse and if you’re upset you have all the rights to be, I understand. Jesus, it’s been a while since Ir eplied this and I mean, there are asks in my inbox that are like a year old but those are prompts or requests and it’s fine, but yours was a personal and it’s been so long for me to answer to it aklsdjalkgjadklgja omg Jaz I’m so sorry….
I’m sorry, Jaz, very sincerely. Zomg…I’m sorry OTL
Well. Still answering ahah ;w;
HEWWO JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Akjdlsafdgalkfjaklhj hhhnnnngnggg. HEWWO JAZ!!! ;w; I’m sorry OTL
Don’t worry about being busy. Real life is already super busy as it is and then we get here and it can get sort of ‘busy’ in its own non-serious way too! I hope that whatever’s been keeping you /kept you busy has given you a break from time to time and that it’s something you enjoy.
I’m doing well! A little ‘busy’ in the non-serious way trying to nail down all my PMs and asks (I’ve lately had a quite excited anon flooding me ahahahah! It’s lovely but keeps me super busy because each I answer gets drowned by another incoming 5 ;w;) and the reblogs and the fics. I’m having funa nd take my breaks to make it enjoyable and not turn it into something I dislike, but hence it goes slower. And out of Tumblr I’m doing okay too!
How have you been, dear Jaz? Besides WAITING FOR MY ASK OTLHave yuo been alright? And happy? I wonder what else you’ve been up to since you last wrote to me!! Hoping sincerely that it’s been okay with you too because you too deserve SO MUCH HAPPINES LIKE LOADS OF IT!!!!!!! You’re such a nice and good person that does no harm to others, you deserve all em happy things and events. U HAVE ALL IT GOOD KARMA, MY FRIEND!!!
GASPS
YOU’VE BEEN WRITING AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAZ, THAT’S PHENOMENAL! THAT’S ABOSLUTELY WONDERFUL, AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, JAZ, I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU AND ABOUT IT, I’M SO HAPPY AND SO PROUD TO KNOW THAT YOU’VE TAKEN UP ON SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE WRITING, AND MORE THAN TAKING UP, RETAKING BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU USED TO ENJOY IT, LEFT IT FOR SOME REASON, AND YOU RETOOK IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ
*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM*
*EXPLODES*
Jaz, that’s WONDERFUL NEWS!!!! Omg buddy that’s fantastic, you have no idea how happy it makes me when someone says they’ve taken up/retaking a form of art. It’s so beautiful and so exciting, and you’re a friend so that adds a lot to the hype!! Jaz, that’s AMAZING! CONGRATS, BUDDY, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! ( ˙꒳˙ )
It’s okay that you took a longer break than you had first expected. Be it because you were busy or just lacking the motivation, it’s okay! What matters is that you went back to it and you must have felt so refreshed and welcomed back. The warmest welcoming is the one given after a long wait (but thankfully it wasn’t THAT long either!!). Plus, you took all the time that you needed to get back to it so it means you’re not forcing a single bit of it and that’s PHENOMENAL!!
I’m so happy to know that you’re motivated now, Jaz, all of this is honestly SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY :’3 AKLSJDLAKDGJADLKGJAGLKAJGA AAAAAAAHHHHHH, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!
I guess the first time you sent the first part you were telling me what you were writing, so I don’t know for sure what you meant with hoping that one day I can read ‘it’, but I’d love to! I’m very slow at reading things because of the massive updates I do to my fics, but I think that I’d love to. Is it XV related? Original content? I’d get lost if it’s from something that I don’t know, but I can still try if you want me to
Aaah, thank you for asking about the laptop! Lamentably I’m nowhere close to getting a new one. They’re pretty expensive. I’m fine with one of the cheapest because all I want is basic internet access and MS Word lmao, but they’re still quite a price number and I have no job >
I thought about using the money that I’ve saved up from my kofis, but…to be honest, I’m being consciously selfish there, because I don’t want to waste my kofi money in ¼ of the price of the laptop… ;n; I want the kofi money to be mine for games or books, it’s money I’ve earned from doing what I love and I wanted it to go to selfish things, but I’m still debating with myself as to maybe having to put it for the laptop ahaha ;w;
Again, don’t feel bad for being busy!! Real life stuff is more important, and Tumblr isn’t going anywhere (not without a long time warning that we’ve never had, thankfully!), so don’t you stress. I for sure am going nowhere, so you take the time that you need and want :3
And don’t say you’re ‘not keeping me for longer’, because it’s not like you’re taking my time by force, dear Jaz!! You texting to me is a kind gift to me so you’re not taking any time off me, you’re taking YOUR time!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, JAZ, I’VE MISSED YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*sQUEEZES U*
Sweet precious wonderful dear Jaz, thank you soooooooooooooooo LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR DROPPING BY TO SAY HELLO AND SHARE ALL OF THIS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, I don’t even know where to start, I’m sorry for taking so long, and thank you immensely for dropping by, my friend!! ;A;
Thank you for the time you dedicated to writing to me and the one to read me. It sounds like you’ve been very busy and I really appreciate that you’ve taken some time to write to me, you have no idea :’(
Thank you for updating me on what you’ve been up to, and thank you for sharing with me that you’ve retaken your writing!! Those news made me so happy, and re reading still makes me feel shivers out of the joy askldjfdaklgjaklgjadglkj
Thank you for being as kind and as gentle as you always are with me. You’re so precious and I hope you know that. You’re always so nice and patient and so good with me, I don’t know how to express it enough or how to let you know or how to thank you properly :’3 Thank you so much for being the sweet and warm creature that you are, Jaz. You’re truly phenomenal and I’m very happy that you exist. The world can very easily wear me out, and it’s creatures like you that relieve it off my shoulders. Thank you
I’ve missed you SO MUCH TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I re fave both your artworks I think about you and I was wondering what you were doing and if you were okay. And there I was, forgetting that it was me who never replied... :’D Really, seriously, I’m so sorry, Jaz, I didn’t mean to take this long... OTL
I hope that you’ve been okay, Jaz! Have you been okay and doing better? How’s the writing going? I’m eager to hear about you again, buddy!! :3
I WUV U TOO, JAAAAAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALKSDJAKLGDJDAKLGJDAGLKDAJ AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH, LOTS OF HUGS FOR MAH BUDDY JAZ!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ
Dear Jaz, I hope you’re having a FANTASTIC weekend, and do receive lots of raccoonie hugs and sparkles!! HUGZ
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Hey jen! so im a 14 year old femme lesbian. Due to my parents putting a LOT of pressure on me to get a good education, get married, etc. I've always kind of had an obsession with my future. I plan to go to college to be a nurse, I know where I want to move when im older, and have a few ideas on what college i want to go to, and ever since i discovered im gay ive kinda fantasized of getting married to a lady, adopting a kid, living in a small house, the whole thing. So because ive looked [1/?]
up to you for a while, and you’re the only older lesbian i’ve ever seen, is it naive to hope my future will play out like this? I know life doesnt ever like to make things simple, and i cant predict what will happen throughout my life, so it probably wont all just work out exactly as planned like some happy gay disney movie. But like, does my optimism just come from being young and having very little life experience? Does everyone go through this? [2/3
]Maybe I’m overthinking a lot, because its late and ive had a lot of caffeine, but you appear like such a mother figure and its difficult to be at this weird stressful age where im trying to figure myself when I have nobody to go to ask these kinds of odd questions. Sorry this is so long and i hope my rambling isnt too confusing! [3/3]
First, I am glad you recognize that your plans are hightly influenced by your parents, but you are self aware enough to replace the man in the “Suburban Dream” scenerio with woman whom you love. All of this is possible. If you want to go to college, get a good job, marry, have or adopt a kid... you can. You can buy a small house and get a picket fence with one dog, two cats and a suburu in the driveway.
You are young.. and you are optimisitic. Optimisim does not have to fade with youth.. look at me..
Lets start with college. College is something I highly recommend IF if suits you and you have the means. Even without a firm idea of how to use your degree, if can teach you communication, problem solving and social skills that will help you in life. IT IS NOT for everyone. And that is okay as well. Some people go right to a job they earn money at or that they want to try. I always tell my kids, work at a burger joint and become a lawyer, just live within your means and be happy. Look at me, 25 years on a job that i loved and was quite good at, but the business management took my love and stomped on it.. now I happily work with nervouse dogs.. Yesterday a Yorkie tried to eat my shoe and it was fine by me.
Now, career, Passion and drive for a career you love can be punched around an awful lot in the real world. IF you start a college path OR job you hate... start looking for something else. Don’t just quit.. have a backup plan.. muddle through classes until you can swith your major.. Slave away at the job until you have another, but there is no shame in not loving what you once thought you did.
Marriage and Kids: Marriage, for me was only a way to protect my kids and get Rita on good health insurance. I did not care if anyone, including the state validated our relationship. I knew the day we got married that I loved her, but we were better friends than lovers and I wanted to do what I could to make sure she was safe. I shouldn’t have agreed to marry her and we both knew it, but our hearts were in the right place. Marriage is what is fed to us by family, culture, society, media...on and on.. PLease proceed with caution. Make sure that you are excited to marry because of the person.. not because of the idea. Be in love, have so much passion for them that all you think about is hearing about her day or kissing her when she is telling you about her day. Don’t be in a hurry.
Kids are the same way.. DON”T adopt or have a child because of the romantic sound of being a lesbian mom. Yes, being a mother is great, my kids are now my friends and my kids.. it is wonderful.. BUT it was super fucking hard to raise them. Kids get a mind of their own around 3.. just be aware that kids are a huge unknown factor in life. Be prepared to not have perfect angels nor devils, but a small human that is also trying to figure out life and make mistakes and your job is to sort of stand in their way until they can do things on their own..
You are super young and clearly smart. You have time.. Just keep your mind open to new ideas and don’t follow a path because “it has always been the path”. Set goals and work towards the nurse degree by studying science and taking community college classes. That is awesome to have a plan. Keep your heart and mind open enough to tweak things as you gain new insight about yourself and your plan. You are motivated and have support, that is awesome.. use all that to your advantage. Join your GSA or get involved in your community, whether it is gay pride or an animal shelter. Start to build a network of people. They can be great resources, for jobs, references and information to help you expand your world.
And YES most of us go though this.. either having firm plans and worrying if they can come through OR having no idea what to do in the future and feeling like we are floundering.. Both are normal.
I am glad you reached out.. I am always happy to give some mom advice.
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oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???
got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker
the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.
her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like
basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that
girl be actin homeless---mood
so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like
‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’
n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao
‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’
i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao
anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!
cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke
i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that
but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me?????????????????????
um...no one
like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway
cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’
n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE
n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.
n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time
n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate
and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve
n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset
cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck
deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts
n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT
n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO
n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS
n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually
n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive
n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like
no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here
n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...
cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane
n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more
n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican
and she gave me a sideeye
but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right
im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?
im scared.
like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race
n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen
like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?
my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school
n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh
im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist
i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule
like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack
wat is the truth rip
the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.
my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow
n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.
which is ye know good for her rip.
i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities
like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like
binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye
n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm
mine is for science n validity
hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...
bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip
but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?
im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???
prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???
what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.
i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.
that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.
n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip
i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man
meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip
god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly
# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me
now im sad
im dead.
omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’
DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready
like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love
the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love
the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness
but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh
bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip
meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...
i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do
but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble.
bitter but like...humble
‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’
‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’
‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’
oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?
had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.
my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni
rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you
n she was like so no children then:(
n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro
but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?
anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...
sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji
rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh
At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that
then she was like ew nO
then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card
which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.
so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth
but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?
really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.
nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR
rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand
i miss the gays
i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well
add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand
n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--
n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’
n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’
n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip
Big sand honestly.
it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand
i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8
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In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.
2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.
I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it.
(My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)
February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day.
(My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.)
Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with!
(My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)
April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days.
(My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!)
May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs.
(My car the day I took it home!)
Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future.
(I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)
In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.
(I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)
August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe.
(Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)
When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on.
(Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)
October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months.
(My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)
November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now.
(I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)
In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December!
(I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)
Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)
Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go.
So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!
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horrible morning rant
No one remembers this but a few weeks after I got home from GILLETE 1989 my dad yelled at me super bad saying I wasn’t here for my mom during her cancer even tho I was there for her all the years prior and said “those bitches Selena and Taylor don’t care about you so Why do you spend so much time and money on them ? And yelled at me about how school and work should be my top priority in life. Like uh it was my summer break from school and I was working at super jump party zone but ok go off So that was three years ago and since then I don’t tell him where I’m going until day of and only to tell him about my where abouts Incase I die in a plane crash. Anyways today I told him about rep tour Pasadena and the shit he yelled at me this time ... wow I mean I knew E was gonna hell but this shit ??” If you’re going to put Taylor swift above your mom and throw your lofe away then so be it “ that’s not what I’m doing at all. “You and your sister have to work as I do to and you never take that into consideration and you always think when I’m home I am with your mother but I’m not I’m working “ And then I tried to convince him I’ve never assumed he was available to help my mom that I’ve literally put my social life for the most part on pause I’ve said no to 90% of babysitting jobs ive been offered and friends Who want to hang out I’ve said no to I’ve literally only seen my boyfriend for a couple hours Tuesday nights because my sister has that day off and is home with my mom so that means I can see him. I was so offended hearing he think I haven’t changed my lofe for my mom So then he proceeds to tell me “ if you think you’ve had a bad life and life’s been complicated because of mom you’ve got it so wrong I could go on and prove you otherwise “ “ and if you think you have it emotionally bad with your mom going through cancer you’re so wrong” I literally was SO confused ? Like was my dad actually invalidating my feelings? Telling me I don’t have a hard life ? NO one has the right to tell you have it easy I tried so hard to defend myself with. I’ve words because I don’t feel comfortable living in the same house as someone who doesn’t think my mom is my world and other things are more important to me than my mom like ?? I just wanted to take a Vacation for literally 4 days when I’ve been by my mom side this entire time and have lost HOURS of sleep to help her to bathe and feed her to her strengthen her legs to simply even sit there by her side and keep her company to take care of her stained underwear and he hasn’t Even done he HALF of it ... he just drives her to her radiation and gives her her pills that’s it. Like I’m sorry I thought I deserved a vacation?! And you wanna know the part that hurts the most ? “ if something happens to your mother while your gone DONT come crying to me With regrets because I TOLD you “ like okay so if she dies you’re literally telling me you’re not going to emotionally be there for me . That’s so fucked up.... and a lot of people tel me he’s like this because of stress because of my mom and he reality is this is how He ALWAYS is he always says shit like this and YELLS super loud and then if I cry he literally says “ I don’t give a fuck if you cry” So I just tried to defend myself and raise my voice but he just keep talking over and over me “ dad you’re being rude and assuming I haven’t changed around my life and have been there for her” and he just says shit like “ but I’m right you’re behavior proves it” he WONT LISTENLike sorry you’re locked away in your work office downstairs at home and never see that I’m by mom from the moment I get home from work ??? The fuck ?? Or you don’t see me literally cleaning up her potty accidents (months ago) and instead he just yells at me and says “ I haven’t gone on a vacation in YEARS you see me complaining ??” Okay but I’m not the one yelling at you for going on a vacation so you don’t have to yell at me and I’m not even complaining.....I was SIMPLY informing him of going on a super smal mini 4 days vacation and if something was going on with mom worse then I knew he could have said “ reality is ______ you should be here” but mom is being pretty independent.. she can get from the bed to the whee chair in her own So then :) I had to go to my therapy appointment that I was 20 mins late for :) I sobbed the entire way there :) sobbed for 30 mins to my therapist while she told me I should put up boundaries and exit the “conversation “ when it gets bad :) and told her I can’t do that because He just follows me as I’m walking to my room and yells “ I didn’t say you could go” :) so then I sobbed the entire drive from therapy to meet my friend for a walk but I was just raining so we sat in her house talking for an hour then I had to zoom home before my sister goes to Work because even tho dads home :) he’s not actually home :)
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Season 14 Episode 8: Out of Nowhere
Songs of the Episode:
You’re Dreaming by Wolf Parade
Synopsis:
It’s the big one, it’s the Season 14 Mid-Season Finale! I don’t know if I can wait until the Jan 18th! Anywho, let’s dive in...
The episode opens with a shirtless Ben prepping for the fire academy. Meanwhile Mer is getting interviewed after winning the Harper Avery, to which she’s unimpressed and feels a bit tortured with their questions. JO GOT CHIEF RESIDENT!! As she practices the speech she plans to give her interns with Alex, she is trying to embody her inner Bailey (aka trying to be scary), but he comically admits that unfortunately she’s not scary. They’re interrupted by the sound of Deluca and Sam in the on call room, something that has been happening a lot recently (bow-chicka-wow-wow).
Carina, Owen, and Arizona are all crammed in the elevator together, and April, who is quiet in the back, represents all of us watching when she points out how awkward it is. Bailey wants to pawn off the surgical contest bestowed to her by Jackson to Webber because she wants to stay in the game, but he rejects her for the same reason. He then only agrees to do it if he can know who the donor is, to which she rebuts that he owes her (for allowing Ben to use his time as a firefighter to be the equivalent of a fellowship, since he will be working in the medic program) and he finally agrees to (but it’s only temporary).
The intern working with Maggie makes an inappropriate comment to the patient about waiting too long to come in, to which Jackson shuts down instantly. Their patient has an extremely awkward interaction with his visitor, making their relationship really hard to read.
Mer’s working with Glasses and their patient makes a joke that he takes literally. Jolex is working a case together! Their patient is a young boy who had a stroke recently. He’s super smart and is up to date on his case, he then comically informs Jolex that his mom has a crush on Karev, and almost as if on cue she walks in. As they leave Jo teases Alex, and he teases back that that’s why he got into pediatrics, for the moms lol. Jackson and Maggie try to figure out their patient and his visitor's relationship, when the woman comes to get them since her father’s not breathing (so now we know he’s the dad). As they are trying to intubate him, the monitor begins to wig out.
In the pit, every patient begins to code, but on closer examination, it’s revealed that they are all fine. Unfortunately one guy found out a little too late, as one of the interns shocked him out of his nice nap (girl ABC’s, or even CAB you check the airway breathing circulation or circulation airway breathing, either way you check that first before you shock someone)!
Owen tells his intern to calm the patients down, because clearly there is a technical difficulty, and what starts off as a comforting message turns south as she begins to get nervous herself.
Mer’s patient is quite nervous for her first ever hospital procedure, but Grey reassures her that she will be fine. Jolex’s patient is experiencing another headache, which could be an indication of another stroke. They go to look at his chart, but the screen is locked. Bailey and Arizona are trying to get into her medical records, when the IT tech comes to help. Then a message pops up on the screen, they’ve been hacked and their medical records and systems are being held for ransom. If they don’t pay, the records will be destroyed endangering hundreds of lives. Bailey speaks with some of the attendings trying to figure out how they are going to handle the situation. At first she yells at IT about the ineffective cyber security seminar, but he informs her that it wasn’t until this coming week (pointing out the irony of the situation). As she tells all the attendings to remain calm and to try not to worry the patients, the FBI walks in, stealing her thunder.
Webber switches everyone to paper charts, and orders everyone to take manual vitals. Maggie and Jackson’s patient is in critical condition and we find out that the daughter is estranged (hence the awkwardness). Mer is in the middle of her surgery when she finds out about the hacking, but they are still able to continue because the monitors in the OR have not been fully compromised yet. Glasses reminds us all of how wonderful technology is because of it allows innovation, but how it is also a dependency that can be crippling at times like this. But Mer is worried that the power could leave her patient in a compromising position, so she contemplates switching to a more invasive procedure to reduce complications if the technology crashes or if she should just continue and try to be as efficient as possible (she chooses the latter).
Carina is awarded OB privileges so that she can help given the hospital is currently understaffed and under cyber attack. Arizona and Carina arrive to the pit for a patient who decided that delivering her baby at home was no longer a satisfying option. She’d prefer to have an epidural and be attached to all machines available (which could be problematic). Carina expresses her excitement over her first patient at Grey Sloan, to which the mother becomes panicked.
Everyone is in line for the only working CT machine, and Owen tries to convey his authority so that he can be pumped up to the front. Karev defends his patient and Owen backs down! Bailey and Webber talk to the FBI and try to figure out a solution. They recall how another hospital handled a similar situation, where they said they defeated them, but off the record the other hospital had paid the ransom. When Webber offers to pay the ransom, seeing how it was only around 5,000 bitcoin, it turns out the conversion is equivalent to 20 million dollars. A fee that he, nor most people can afford. Then Bailey realizes that the surgical contest drew so much attention to Grey Sloan, that hackers figured that the hospital could afford a hefty ransom. Bailey recruits Avery to help since he has the funds to pay the ransom, while still maintaining her promise of keeping the donor of the competition anonymous. He gives her the go ahead, but the FBI official stops her in her tracks. He warns her of the global consequences involved if the hospital pays that amount of money. If they hackers get the money, then they would be motivated to go after every hospital endangering millions of lives. Jackson backs Bailey 100 percent and tells her to give him a call whenever she needs him. Bailey offers to give the FBI a little more time.
Jackson and Maggie decide to transfer their patient. Carina enlists Arizona for her motherly touch and expertise with the expectant mother. Webber informs Kepner, who needs a CT for her patient, that the line is backed up and it will be at least an hour wait. Pressed for time, she stresses for options when Webber suggests an old school trick. On request of a newspaper, the millennial teenagers offer up the newspaper app, but Kepner comes to the rescue as she grabs a real newspaper. He shows them that if you can read the newspaper through the pink tinted IV bag, then the bleeding in the abdomen has not reached critical levels and that the patient should be okay for now.
Jolex’s patient is stable and his CT was clear, so they reassure his mom. Amelia reveals to Alex that in fact he’s likely to have another stroke in the next 24 hours. Jo comes running with their patients night nurse that she’s tracked down, who should know if he received vitamin K the previous night. Unfortunately, he’s not the right nurse, but Jo quickly finds out that whoever the one that night/early morning, was there when Doc McStuffins was on. They figure out who the nurse was, but now are tasked with finding her, even though they have no means of contacting her. They need to know if the patient was given vitamin K or not because that will determine what medication he gets, and if they don’t give him the right medication he could have a severe stroke.
Webber is in his glory, schooling everyone on how it was done back when there was limited technology. He helps Deluca place a patient in trendelenburg position to help slow down his breathing and heart rate. As Owen finally gets to CT, the hospital loses power. Mer is forced to switch to the more invasive procedure and sends a very nervous Glasses to get more blood.
Jackson and Maggie are set to transfer their patient. Jackson opens up to Maggie while they ride the elevator and they find out that they used to go to the same pool growing up in Boston.
Jo interrogates the nurse in an attempt to help her patient, but is being slightly brushed off. Glasses cannot access the blood bank, since the codes/basically-anything-automated is still under attack. Jo finally gets the information she needs and sprints to find the nurse. Jolex’s patient is getting sicker, he literally feels like he’s gonna die. Arizona and Carina’s patient is on the (slow) waddle. But it turns out she’s crowning. Now her patient is extremely scared, but Arizona gives her the best/realest pep talk. Then with her newfound strength, she literally delivers her baby standing up in the hallway leaning on a gurney. Carina feels she’s screwed up with her first patient at Grey Sloan, but Arizona comforts her. Carina then admits that she misses her and Arizona feels the same way! Turns out Carina is super casual with Owen, which opens up the doors for her and Arizona. Speeding past them during their nice moment, Jo sprints to find her patients nurse.
Amelia and Karev are faced with the tough decision, whether or not to give him a blood thinner, even if they don’t know for certain if he had his vitamin K. Mer is furious with Glasses for not receiving the blood. Mer comes up with a solution to her blood shortage, she hooks up Glasses to an IV and does a direct donation to her patient. On the helicopter, Jackson and Maggie subtly show how they feel about each other until they hit terrible turbulence. He grabs her hand to show his support and they start to scratch the surface of their feeling when: their patients LVAD flies loose and BLOOD BEGINS TO SPURT OUT EVERYWHERE. Jackson was the brave soul to fix it. Owen tells Bailey that they need to start evacuating patients, when Bailey puts her medical career and license on the line defending her hospital and patients to the FBI officer. She contacts Jackson to pay the ransom, but his phone is stuck in the blood on the plane and he’s distracted in his efforts to comfort Maggie. Jo finally finds the right nurse, who warns them not to give her patient heparin. She sprints to tell Alex, but he’s already beginning to inject him (with what is presumed to be heparin)!! The screen then jumps back to Jo in the elevator trying to call Alex, but the call won’t go through. (Let the record show that it’s at this point that I started to scream at my tv. Why you might ask, well because she has her back turned to the elevator doors, there’s less than a minute left and I know that something terrible always happens in elevators. Not to mention cliffhangers thrive in the the last minute of a mid-season finale. I knew the devil would emerge, and boy was I mad to be right!) As she turns around after texting Alex “NO HEPARIN,” she looks up to the sound of Paul saying, “Hey Brooke, oh wait it, it’s Jo now right?” We then see Jo in a haze as she’s met face to face with her abusive sickly smiling husband, followed by the black and write Grey’s Anatomy end title.
A Few Additional Thoughts:
I’M SHAKEN! I cannot believe it! I’m in shock, even though I knew he would reappear and that it makes total sense for him to return just as we must break. I can’t even imagine what she must feel like. While I’m looking forward to the way in which they tell this story and it’s importance, I’m just so heartbroken that she must relive her past. I hope everything works out well for her. I truly believe that the mid-season premiere is going to be a Jo centric episode. I think they are going to dive into her past and shed some light on the PTSD that can be accompanied with domestic abuse. I also think it's going to reflect on her time with Alex and the life she’s built for herself. I’m excited to learn more about her character and interested to see how Alex is there for her.
This episode was bananas! I mean are they going to pay the ransom? Will the hackers back down? Will Bailey be able to wire the money? Will Alex get Jo’s text in time? Will they be able to reverse the medication if they end up giving it? Will their patient die? What will Jo say? What will Paul say? Is Jo in immediate danger? What’s in store for her? What will Alex do when he finds out? How will he find out? Will Mer’s patient live? Will Glasses’ blood be enough to sustain the women through her surgery? Will Jackson and Maggie’s patient live given the sufficient blood loss? Why didn’t Maggie stop screaming as all the blood was spurting (I know she was terrified, but don’t scream when all that blood is spurting girl!)? What’s in store for their relationship? SO MANY QUESTIONS AND SO MUCH TIME UNTIL JAN 18!
But we Grey’s Anatomy fans are built for this!
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ASK MEE RIDICULOUSLY PERSONAL THINGSSSSSSSSSSSS YEEEEEEEEEEEE i love this shit
thanks for the ask anon, at this point im sure yall already know everything about me but hey whats a couple more questions c:
1.) what’s a song you depict with your childhood?
YIKES tough right off the bat huh? it would have to be the opening to digimon frontier ayyyyyyyyyy i still listen to that shit every fucking month. its that or disney’s hercules i can go the distance that shit was just MMMMMMM good shit2.) did you have a memorable childhood pet?
yep a blue and white love bird my family called quick silver we taught it to do adorable little tricks like pick up our pencils when we do homework and it rolls away3.) have you ever been drunk?
hehe yeah fun times4.) have you ever tried drugs?
yup! curious about trying more hard drugs but also i dont wanna get addicted or like idk die/get arrested5.) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said?
ALL THE FUCKING TIME. infact at work i told a customer we didnt have a thing and the customer was like whats that right behind u, and it was the thing they were looking for i felt so stupid lmao6.) have you ever made someone cry?
yeah.7.) has someone ever made you cry?
yeah.8.) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it.
honestly idk if i ever have been in love. I would think that i have but yknow you never know what the future holds so looking back something in the past could pale in comparison to something in the future9.) which came first the chicken or the egg?
the chicken, evolved from some other bird10.) are you part of the lgbtq+ community? do you support them?
dunno if im part of the community by status but i wholeheartedly approve and support them. speaking just for myself though I just think I’m me and nothing else. whether im non binary or male or female or something else doesn’t matter to me. im attracted to who im attracted to, feel what i feel, and do what i want with a hint of salt. If plants can have like 10 000 genders or whatever, then anyone can be whatever they want unless its something fucked up like age fluid lmao if youre 60 youre 60 even if you have the “mind of a 14 year old”11.) how many siblings do you have?
412.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love?
yeah in fact just recently13.) are you a good cook?
fuck no. i fucking wish tho, not even a good cook i just wanna be able to copy recipes on tasty’s facebook page hahaha14.) what is your favorite tv show?
right now i dont have one and i definitely dont watch tv shows often unless you count anime then haikyuu!! or My hero Academia15.) what is the last movie you cried during?
i think it was a tyler perry movie something about a funeral and a family reunion honestly i cry when any movie has a really strong family sorta bonding specially if the family was broken at first and they all healed together and became closer as a result16.) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any)
none, i did cry whe i was listening to wild wild love by GRL and pitbull for some reason? 17.) do you have a middle name?
nope i do have a nickname given to me by distant relatives18.) have you been out of your country?
yeah thankfully ive been out of canada multiple times19.) are you a chocolate fan or not?
love chocolate in fact im drinking hot chocolate right now, little cold going on so i need it20.) how many people have you kissed?
lips? less than 15, in general no matter where? couldnt count21.) what is your favorite album?
the only album i loved in its entirety has been marianas trench master piece theatre22.) what is your dream car?
2003 dodge viper23.) what is your lucky/favorite number?
i always wanted to be ironic and say 13 but i’ve kinda been leaning towards 10 like hinata’s jersey number24.) what is your favorite flower?
lilacs cuz the color25.) books or movies, why?
movies, less thinking for me26.) have you ever been on a blind date?
nope but i’d love to try it27.) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you?
yep28.) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends?
i dont think i have? not consciously.29.) what thing do you symbolize love with?
an act of self sacrifice or something handmade or personally tailored to the individual receiving30.) do you have neat handwriting?
i adore neat handwriting! its like a breath of fresh air, simple and precise to read, and it feels like you can read faster when it is31.) do you have a friend with benefits?
nope but i’d love to have one!32.) do you want a friend with benefits?
just said but yeah i’d love one!33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be?
A hero.34.) have you ever been blackout drunk?
nope but my body refuses to drink any more alcohol once i get to my good buzz point. like all alcohol makes me wanna throw up the second i get past the point its almost like my mind and body are two seperate beings lmao35.) have you ever met someone famous?
i think i have? one time when i went bowling with some relatives, there was a crowd gathering around this blonde dude who was playing house of the dead and this one guy in the crowd approached me saying “ do you know who he is? hes famous?” and then i blanked out after that because i just wanted to watch someone play and mentally check out for an hour36.) how many concerts have you been to?
3 concerts! all which were very fun !37.) which concerts have you been to?
one was an ed sheeran concert for his divide album, another was a marianas trench concert in klondike days edmonton, and the last was a country concert im not sure who it was my sister wanted me to go with her38.) do you have a hidden talent?
i can match any generation 1 pokemon just from their cries some generation 2 but beyond that only a handful from each other generation39.) what do you do when you’re stressed?
masturbate. honestly its the only sure fire thing i’ve done that clears my head for the longest time and relaxes me lmao40.) do you think money can buy love?
of course! just depends how you use it! like if youre just throwing money at random people like “hey love me” itll be fake, but if you say, pay off a struggling student’s loans in full and give em a good fresh start im sure theyll be grateful to you for years to come. or if you pay for someone to get super super expensive surgery so they can die from old age rather than a disease or something then yeah they’d love you forever41.) how old would you date?
honestly not sure, i havent really tried dating anyone a lot older than me i usually date within 4-5 years older or younger? though i dont think i’d see a problem dating someone 10 years older than me42.) have you ever done something illegal?
hehe. ye.43.) what is your biggest fear?
death. too long to elaborate44.) what is an unusual fear you have?
fear of what happens after death45.) can you drive?
nope but i plan to learn how to and take my exam within the next 2 ish months46.) do you believe in supernatural creatures?
of course! as many evolutions that were made common place theres bound to be evolutions that somehow spurred legends and mysteries47.) do you believe in karma?
of course! 100% of the time i expect some stranger to just walk up to me and start slapping me or punching me or throwing water or soda in my face for something i did, though i also prepare myself to say” okay i probably deserved that but can i ask why?”48.) what is one quality you need in your partner?
need to love physical affection, if not i dont think i can last with them, physical affection is so important to me its just as important as saying i love you, it like reassures me that theyre there with me in that moment and that theyre happy and just. physical stuff tells me a lot ok49.) do looks matter?
on first impression? oh hell yeah. keep in mind strictly first impression. im not gonna cut off a potential friendship or relationship because someones not my type or whatever i cut people off if they do something fucked up and horrible50.) does size matter?
to some people im not one of them51.) who is the last person you forgave?
I can’t really remember, i forgive people for small stuff all the time but with big personal mistakes i usually hold grudges52.) what is your favorite ice cream flavor?
French Vanilla53.) what languages can you speak besides english?
none but i plan to learn sign language eventually that and visaya54.) ever been on a plane?
yep! i’ve been out of the country so that definitely means by plane i dont know anyone who goes on roadtrips long enough to get out of the country55.) ever been on a boat?
yeah! i thought i’d be seasick but turns out i enjoy being on the water its kinda calming56.) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t?
yeah my childhood friend ralph, cool dude but our friend groups and interests just kinda diverged57.) are there any friendships you regret?
yeah..58.) are there any friendships you wish you could make?
oh hell yeah! there was this one girl who always ate at the same cafeteria as me and my friend group and i regret not inviting her over and being her friend59.) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours?
yeah! specially during summer it really sucks and i only do that when my mental state is at a record low self punishment i spose60.) have you ever walked outside after 12 am?
hell to the yeah! its the best! like a music video or adventure but it really just helps me clear my mind. oh wait i guess that kinda counts for the calms me down thing so late night walks and masturbating bahahaha61.) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through?
yep! one time with an ex girlfriend! we stayed from 2 am till 10 am i think singing songs and talking and cuddling on those big swings with a bowl at the bottom62.) are you scared of rollercoasters?
NO !!! I LOVE ROLLERCOASTERS!!!! im kind of an adrenaline junkie!63.) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually?
i personally feel like a 3 but thats probably because im already used to a 7 because of old issues i need sorted out that i’ve just kinda grown to live with the stress64.) do you have any plans this weekend?
considering its sunday? no, next weekend? im working65.) do you miss anyone right now?
yeah. i miss em a lot.66.) who do you wish you were talking to right now?
K,Z, and C i miss em67.) if you could have any superpower, what would it be?
the power to fly or have wings that can make me fly. I associate flying with true freedom. 68.) who is your favorite superhero?
All Might69.) are you dirty minded?
ridiculously70.) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at that 80’s?
im too lazy for that shit bro…71.) how many kids, if any, do you want?
2 preferably? 72.) who is your biggest OTP?
im not super into shipping just cause it can get pretty toxic but asami and korra73.) what is your favorite food?
aw man im too much of a carnivore to pick just one thing man. uhh fried chicken or this one pork dish my mom makes thats super easy to make its like canned beans with this orange sweet kinda sauce and pork belly slices and potato chunks omggggg i eat so much of that. the last time my mom made that i actually ate the whole thing and i had to make more for everyone else lmao74.) do you want to be married one day?
yeah. it’d be nice not to have to worry about being alone for the rest of my life75.) dogs or cats?
dogs are great and so are cats though i have more patience for cats than i do for dogs. dogs to me are like energetic little kids and thats fine as long as im not dealing with them for an extended period amount of time i get drained pretty easy. cats are like roommates show you love and attention when they want but arent opposed to keeping you company the whole day76.) do you drink enough water daily?
i have no fukcing clue i literally just drink water whenever i have an excuse to drink.77.) have you ever seen a shooting star?
not that i know of? like theres a few times i think i did but i wanna see one thats like unmistakably a shooting star or comet thatd be neat too78.) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you?
not long term? yeah id love to, just to feel what zero g feels like and the view of earth
79.) how many best friends do you have?
3 ish……..80.) when was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago when they stopped talking to me i cried like a little baby lmao ahhhhhhhhhh yikes81.) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself?
nope82.) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed?
i think? there was this one dude who literally thought everything i said was genuinely funny though to this day i have no idea if he was serious or not. i also have not seen that dude ever since83.) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go?
Venice Italy.84.) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself?
Lonely, Filth, dependant85.) do you consider yourself a loyal person?
no, if my loyalty gets in the way of what i think is the right thing to do then i disregard the loyalty86.) what is your favorite season and why?
Winter. for some reason growing up i always felt like winter was unappreciated and i had this train of thought like “ even the cold needs to be loved” that and most of my wardrobe is just winter stuff. plus midnight walks feel so much nicer since its so cold out you know for a fact no one else would be walking around because whos gonna wait in a dark alley at -30 to mug, rape or kidnap someone.87.) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it?
nope. if i ever said it i meant it.88.) do you know how to play any instruments?
not reliably. like i know some songs on guitar from youtube tutorials but i can’t play the guitar in all circumstances yknow like i learned the song without mastering the basics89.) do like like falling asleep to music or not?
nope. i need like silence to sleep but ambient noise is preferred. music gives my brain something to focus on and thus stay awake90.) what are you allergic to?
pet fur or feathers and stuff. my eyes get puffy, my nose clogs up and my skin itches91.) have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day just so you could see what there life is like?
a sad, extremely rich person and a happy, extremely poor person. to show me what to be grateful for92.) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be?
huh, thats tough… if its haikyuu i’d love to be daichi, if its my hero academia its hawks or deku93.) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why
Gal Gadot, I feel like she’d be such a positive influence on my life and that thing she does to people who are shorter than her where she cups their face in her hands omg i’d melt everytime. i just kinda wanna be like a little brother to her lol
94.) are you outgoing?
i would say i am?95.) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to?
oh fuck yeah im fucking gutless96.) are you a good flirt?
nope. awkward and weird af97.) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down?
yup all the time. part of life98.) which planet is your favorite?
never really thought about planets much but i do stan pluto as a planet99.) are you superstitious?
to an extent100.) are you a good listener?
i’d like to think i am101.) are you a good kisser
also like to think i am probs not102.) would you kiss any of your friends?
all of them honestly well not all of them. mostly cuz yknow theyre taken or theyd probably hate me if i did some of them are super defensive about physical intimacy
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ITS 4:30 AM AND I DONT FEEL LIKE SLEEPING so I’m gonna do this meme that i got tagged for twiCE and totally forgot to do til now!!!! (i had 2 dig through your blogs to find them omg)
ANYWAY i was tagged by both @mooitstimdrake and @cynessie (I MISS U BOTH BTW ❤)
RULES: Share 11 facts about yourself, answer 11 questions provided by the tagger, tag 11 awesome people and leave 11 questions for them to answer!
(I’m gonna skip tagging people/asking 11 questions - 1) because I’m lazy 2) because a lot of people who I would tag either have already been tagged or woN’T DO IT and 3) I have to answer two sets of 11 questions anyway so I’ll let one of those sets take the place of my 11 questions!!)
11 Facts
I was supposed to leave to move into my college 3 days ago but since my college is in Savannah they pushed off move-in/orientation for a weEK BECAUSE OF HURRICANE IRMA AND I’M STILL UPSET/DISAPPOINTED
That being said I’m about to start as a college freshman at art school, planning on majoring in animation! :D
I binged all of Buzzfeed Unsolved in like 2 days and I fuckin LOVE IT
Also BNHA is like my current main obsession???? I fell in love w that anime and uhhhh I’d Die For My Kids
I almost never use skype anymore - I’m always on Discord now (mutuals may add me just message me if you want my tag :3c)
I loooove creating OCs and my main OC is a forest elf named Rally and he’s precious and I LOVE HIM AND COULD TALK ABOUT HIM FOR HOURS (also my best friend @/harpxer and I have a huge ongoing rp with him and her mountain elf oc, Kahl!! they’re really gay)
Hmmm fun fact I guess I’ve been involved with internet communities since I was 10 years old and I made my very first internet friend when I was 10 and we’re still great friends and talk p much every day to this day (hi @/fiishr)
I want a tattoo super bad but idk what I’d geT
I worked at a jewelry engraving stand at an amusement park this summer and one night I accidentally gave myself a 1st degree burn on my finger from the hot glue gun and it hurt So Bad
I had my graduation party this July and it was really fun but the best part was when 14 of us played this giant game of spoons and it got really intense, made worse by people randomly screaming during it, and then we collectively decided to blast hardcore rap music from the speakers and Let Me Tell You i have not been involved in a more stressful card game in my LIFE
I’ll always always always fall for the hero/happy character/protagonist basically....idk what it is about me but I’m so Predictable...I love cute optimistic brave characters who just wanna do Right.....I don’t cARE IF PEOPLE THINK THEY’RE BORING I THINK THEY’RE PERFECT AND AMAZIGN AND I LOVE THEM
AS FOR AN EXTRA 12TH FACT ABOUT ME AS U CAN SEE I WRITE WAY TOO MUCH AND ALSO I’M THE BIGGEST OVERSHARER E V E R IT’S SO BAD SOMEONE STOP ME
ANYWAY ONTO THE QUESTIONS :3c
@mooitstimdrake‘s Questions:
If you were to make a new blog dedicated to one single thing (fandom, hobby/activity, etc) what would it be?
Honestly, right at the moment probably BNHA!!!! it’s legit my most recent big obsession and I love it?? so much???
If you could have any kind of animal as a pet, what would you have?
A RACCOON!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM SOSOSOSOSOS MUCH and some people actually do have them as pets! They can be difficult though but WORTH IT
Who was your favorite teacher and why were they your favorite?
OH BOY......I’m gonna say it’s a tie between my AP studio art teacher and my AP US government teacher from this past year, my senior year! My AP art teacher because our class was super tiny, 12 kids, and it really felt like a family?? She was a-okay with letting us all goof around and say weird shit, she was really chill and funny and like. part teacher, part friend, which was always nice. As for my AP gov teacher, he was SO. FUCKING. FUNNY. OH MAN. NOT EVEN ON PURPOSE he just like? put up with SO MUCH? we had some real character kids in that class and my teacher’s reactions were HILARIOUS. he had a sarcastic streak too so his responses were equally as funny when someone did something weird. He would say the funniest stuff just ask @/harpxer I would tell her so many stories from that class sohboshrb. Aside from the humor that class was really interesting, and he’s a really good, invested teacher - he wanted us to learn, he’s super passionate about government and history, and he always started off each class with 2 current events which was really nice and helped me learn more about things happening in the world too!!! overall that was like my fav non-art class I’ve ever taken!!!!
What’s your guilty pleasure (and I’m challenging you not to say some kind of food)?
HMMMMM. Honestly I’m gonna go ahead and say really cheesy or lame movies/shows (like, Disney channel movies, dumb shows - like the one summer I watched all of Glee LOL, stuff like that). Like yeah I know 90% of it is terRIBLE but it’s still amusing/lighthearted stuff that makes me happy KLSDJVLSDHB
Favorite pizza topping?
EXTRA CHEESE IF THAT COUNTS, if not then pepperoni!!
What’s the last thing you bought (that wasn’t food)?
I’ve actually been buying a lot the past few weeks in prep for college/spending a little money for ONCE since I worked all summer. I got a bunch of boring stuff but the things I’m most excited about are: two posters I got for my dorm (The Office is one and one is Lord Huron), a giant wall tapestry (it’s Up themed!!!), tWO BNHA/POKEMON CHARMS THAT CAME TODAY AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THEM I START CRYING BC THEYRE SO CUTE, and oh my GOD I BOUGHT THIS GIANT PILLOW FROM TARGET AND IT IS THE SINGLE SOFTEST THING I’VE EVER FELT AND IT’S HUGE AND IT IMMEDIATELY BECAME MY #1 COMFORT OBJECT AND TOP FIVE FAV THINGS IVE EVER BOUGHT!!!!!! I guess MOST recently though I just bought Clip Studio Paint online today (art program) since it’s on sale for 50% off and I’ve heard great things about it!
What upcoming movies/tv shows are you looking forward to?
UHHHHH as for movies... justice league part 1, the incredibles 2, kingsman 2, the neW POKEMON MOVIE I CHOOSE YOU, probably a lot more I can’t remember rn. AS FOR SHOWS HMMM I’m...excited for the next season of the good place and izombie, and oh I’m excited for the punisher netflix show!! and the next season of voltron of COURSE!!! and next season of stranger things!! probably more I’m forgetting too tbh
Any recommendations (this could be anything just throw your best pitch at me)?
JFISDJKLBJ I DON’T KNOW OMG tbh rachel you watch a lot of the same things I do already LMAOOO
What’s your favorite thing to wear that you own?
OH FUCK I DUNNO HMMM I really like wearing my various leggings and scarves, but as like a Single Item....I like wearing....uhhhh I have this giANT sweater like it’s WAY too big for me but it’s so COMFY and I love it. I also love wearing my Star Labs sweatshirt bc it’s soft and comfortable
What was your first pet?
my cat!!! we took her in as a stray kitten living in our backyard when I was like. 2 or 3 and so we’ve basically had her my whole life!!
If you could learn any language, what would it be?
UHHHHHH honestly probably spanish - I took it 4 straight years and was okay at it in class but one year went by with me not taking it and I forgot everything LOOOL I’m...bad....at languages....
@cynessie‘s Questions:
Where is the coolest place you’ve ever been?
I haven’t been many cool places :( I guess the coolest isssss I dunno it depends? Lake George is where I go on vacation every year, I LOVE NYC, I love Savannah too and it’s where I’m gonna be for college so?? ?? ? ? I’VE NEVER BEEN OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND I’M SAD BUT I’M POOR AND CAN’T AFFORD IT
What was the first thing you remember wanting to be when you grew up?
veterinarian!!
Look to your right. What do you see?
a dirty plate on my desk, my bed just past that, and my CHARMS THAT CAME TODAY THAT ARE SO CUTE I CRY EVERY TIME I SEE THEM
What are you procrastinating on?
ajkldjboidj lik e 4 art commissions,,,, and 7 MAP parts,,,, and my pre-work for 2 of my classes,,,,,,,and cleaning my room,,,, and sending thank-you notes to relatives,,, SOMEONE KICK MY ASS AND MAKE ME DO SHIT
Which family member are you closest too and what is their name?
UHHHH.... I guess my younger brother Luke? or maybe my mom? I’m not on bad terms with anyone though, I love both my older brothers too and we all have a good sibling relationship I just talk more with my younger bro I think - second closest would be with my second older brother Connor!
What’s the last song you listened to?
I’m listening to Ultralife by Oh Wonder right now :3c I’ve been on a huUUGE Oh Wonder kick lately!!
What do you generally carry in your bag/pockets when you go out?
my wallet (w my license and money and debit card and all), travel size lotion, phone, and chap stick!!
What is one thing you are excited for?
FINALLY GETTING TO COLLEGE NEXT WEEK AND STARTING CLASSES FJIODFHINBDFHBNSBO
Do you believe in ghosts?
I’m gonna hesitantly say YES but I’m not 100% convinced I don’t think
What is a skill you want to learn?
MAYBE THIS IS WEIRD but I think learning how to act would be kinda neat. On a more realistic note I wish I could learn to exercise without dying
Tell me a joke.
I’M BAD AT JOKES DON’T DO THIS TO ME NESSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO YEAH THAT’S ALL FOLKS it’s 5am now...Nice..... :’) I love my ability to stay up obscenely late while also getting Nothing Done JLSDNVDHAGHVDLAK
#about me#my life#hell ya i havent done one of these in a while but it was FUN#sorry for not tagging anyone......im lazy.............
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50 questions (?) tag
ya girl cant read
tagged by @parkseonghwa luv u joo
yknow anyone i tag has probs already been tagged so MOOTS IF U SEE THIS AND WANNA DO IT DO IT
1. What takes up too much of your time?
school....
2. What makes your day better?
hmmm..it depends on the day! we have these little food delivery robots on campus and ordering from them is really cute (they say hi!) so that brightens my day lately! but lots of little things like ateez and friends and flowers!
3. What’s the best thing that happened you today?
i drew a lot and im proud of it kinda (’:
4. What fictional place would you like to go?
right now im super reobsessed with Lord of the rings so ill say the Shire!
5. Are you good at giving advice?
only for very oddly specific things..
6. Do you have any mental illness?
not that i know of!
7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?
nope but some freaky stuff has happened while im like half asleep
8. What musician inspired you the most?
billie joe armstrong! hes been my dad my inspiration sinc like...2010? ish?
9. Have you ever fallen in love?
oh yes
10. What’s your dream date?
something outdoorsy! even if its like walking by a lake or something i like exploring and it gives you an excuse to talk!
11. What do others notice about you?
that im weird when i get stressed i mess with my eyebrow so part of it is often missing and people notice that a lot
12. What is the annoying habit you have?
i TALK TOO MUCHHHH
13. Do you still talk to your first love?
we comment on each other’s tweets sometimes
14. How many ex’s do you have?
officially 3 but more like...6...lol
15. How many songs are on your playlist?
my current main playlist has 149 babey
16. What instruments can you play?
get this: i can make instrument songs with my mouth sometimes
17. Who do you have the most pictures of?
myself tbh IM THE WORST but like me n my friends
18. Where would you like to go before you die?
JAPAN!! IVE ALWAYS WNATED TO GO TO JAPAN
19. What is your zodiac?
scorpio babeyyy
20. Do you relate to it?
HELL YEAH I DO
21. What is happiness to you?
this is gonna sound real cringey but like...happiness is temporary so honestly true happiness for me is being in a place in life where i find it easy to make my own happiness, and that happiness can be in the little things (like having coffee cake) or the big things
22. Are you going through anything right now?
yeah its this uh thing called life its short but also terribly and insufferably long (thank u jenna marbles for the wonderful quote)
23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?
kinda basing my life around a person who couldn’t give less of a shit /: but im NOT ANYMORE YAY
24. What’s your favorite store?
rOSS i love ross
25. What’s your opinion on abortion?
im for it dude
26. Do you keep a bucket list?
theres one or two big things ive said i wanna do in life but honestly whatever sounds cool and fun :D
27. Do you have a favorite album at the moment?
billie eilish’s ‘when we all fall asleep where do we go?”
28. What do you want for your birthday?
money ive got big expenses in my future beeches
29. What are most peoples first impressions of you?
people think im quiet?? and honestly i think thats it...OH they think im a bitch usually too bc i have the worst resting bitch face
30. What age do you seem according to most people?
physically? like 16/17. mentally? like 23
31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?
on the nightstand woo woo
32. What word do you say the most?
“i” i like tot alk about myself a lot its a problem i guess
33. What’s the oldest age you would date?
i really dont think much older than 22 bc i ahd a 23 year old briefly and it was just...too much of a gap
34. What’s the youngest age you would date?
18 i guess but even then the maturity differences /: so 19
35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?
something smart like doctor but honestly i think accounting is a pretty good fit
36. What’s your favorite music genre?
pOp
37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be?
japan :3
38. What is your current favorite song?
okay im back on the billie bullshit but liek... bury a friend snaps
39. How long have you had this blog for?
when did ateez debut? 5 months?
40. What are you excited for?
the warm weather! and for classes to be done for summer (but i dont wanna leave this apartment S:)
41. Are you a better talker or listener?
im great at talking but it doesnt mean people agree lmao
42. What is the last productive thing you did?
i made dinner does that count NO I PUT AWAY LAUNDRY THATS IT
43. What do you want for Christmas?
again, and i cannot stress this enough: money (and snacks)
44. What class do you get the best grades in?
ZUMBA LMAOOO
45. On a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now?
5 i guess? like it could be worse but it could be better
46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?
what makes you think i can count that high
(probably have a family and work from home babey)
47. When did you get your first heart break?
my first reallly strong one was freshman year
48. At what age do you want to get married?
whatever age im at when i meet the right person and get to know them for a while (as a kid i always said 26...lol)
49. What career did you want to have as a child?
a geologist! i liked pretty rocks
50. What do you crave now?
the warm weather and a break from life
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