#online csa survivor

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

there'll be times when I remember what happened and I won't feel much of anything. Other times just a strange sense of curiosity about what he's doing with his life now. And then reminders that feel painful, bringing up tears as I remember what it felt like to put myself in that situation. How I craved to be sexualized because it made me feel wanted, and how even though I felt incredibly scared and uncomfortable and it caused so much trauma, I couldn't help but feel addicted to the feeling of being wanted and the adrenaline that came with feeling scared. And it's hard because in a way I could see myself falling down that path again easily, even as an adult now, because even as I've grown there's still that buried instinct within myself that wants to be hurt again. It's not good, and I've been doing a good job of avoiding it and preventing myself from real danger through just engaging in fiction that helps get a similar feeling without the threat of it being real (allowing me to walk away if needed and choose MY boundaries myself, I guess), but sometimes i still miss the feeling of being actually wanted. Sometimes I miss feeling like shit because of it.

#vent #still we prevail tho!! #actually traumatized #actually abused #online csa survivor

[shitcomscriptwriter]

Since apparently we all need a reminder of this:

NCCSA is still CSA, and is considered to be as such by law in MULTIPLE countries. It is scientifically proven to cause similar psychological effects as contact trauma.

#not cr #scriptwriter gets serious #tw csa #csa survivor #tw nccsa #nccsa #online CSA

[starksurvivorthoughts]

Reminder that triggers are not just things that make you upset or remind you of your abuse but ALSO uncontrollable,disruptive somatic reactions. That can last from minutes to weeks for some.

It's not one or other either, there is a range. But this is why I think trigger warnings, direct viewer discretions and explicit consent are so important. And still should be more normalized

#csa survivor #survivor rant #sa survivor #processing kinda #im not the best about tw either but i usually try lol #been triggered mutliple times irl and online lately #not having an endo flair but think im either spiraling or hormone imbalance

[moodr1ng]

were all for prison abolition and transformative justice until i say "the man who abused me as a young teen is not in a place where he has access to children or women so i dont want to pursue any judicial action against him, and also i understand that while the abuse he put me through was extreme and awful, he was young, traumatized, endured abused himself, and abusing multiple substances and i dont believe he is the same person he was at the time", at which point everyone looks at me with pity and concern and tells me i dont have to make excuses for him and im allowed to hate him and etc etc. like yeah i do hate him. im capable of thinking past hatred, being reasonable about the situation, and maintaining my political ideals even when it comes to things personal to me, so that when i say "everyone deserves a chance at rehabilitation" i dont conveniently make an exception for the guy who hurt me personally.. anyway.

#97 #csa tw #when i say 'he has no access to children or women' #i mean hes part of a closed-off religious community which has no access to the outside world or the internet where he groomed me originally #like hes essentially a monk. he has NO access to people he would be interested in victimizing whatsoever. #all this to say i would never fault an abuse survivor for going to the admittedly fucked up justice system for retribution or safety #but also i think there comes a point where if one professes a belief that the justice system is fundamentally broken and abusive #then yknow that belief does eventually inform whether you think that broken system should serve as your personal tool for revenge #when it comes to my situation (where the person in question is already no longer a danger to others) revenge is the only thing i would get #and i dont want revenge bc i dont believe in a justice system based on it! #my involvement is limited to periodically (every year or so) checking on the net and making sure hes not back online #it is a triggering endeavor every time to go thru his old profiles and to check on his sister and see the handful of pictures of him etc #but yknow. absent any actually ethical system of justice to address the crimes.. #just monitoring that hes still locked up in some monastery is the best i can get.

[csaventing]

Sometimes I convince myself it didn’t really traumatize me, it was all online, it wasn’t that bad, and then I have a string of panic attacks for over three hours because I thought about it a little too hard.

So relateable.

#survivor #tw csa implied #tw csa #csa vent #trauma vent #actually traumatized #tw csa mention #trauma #tw csa vent #tw nccsa #tw online nccsa

[profictionoverhaul]

Non-controversial take.

I don't get involved in discourse much, but if I go onto your account and see you reblogging a lot of stuff from an account and that account has some shit like "xxxxx people should die <3" right in their bio/pinned, I'm going to block you without hesitation. Because like, you can clearly see it right there when you click on their account, meaning you're okay with that sort of stuff? And I don't vibe with that.

Telling anyone to die or insinuating they should off themselves/be killed, I do not vibe with that energy. I don't want you interacting with my stuff if you agree with that sort of awful behavior, even if you yourself aren't doing it, supporting people who actually do it is virtually the same in my eyes and I will not unblock you either.

#personally i just wont support people who say other people online should die- especially over fiction #im not a proshipper or anything so i better not see some bitchass antis going (wah wah the adult thinks harassing people is bad!) #i just dont answer asks with bad energy anymore because i dont care #if i can block a super good artist bevause they told a bunch of csa survivors to kill themselves - so can you #why would you want to associate your blog with that terrible of a person anyway? #theres several popular Ingo and Emmet artists who have shit like prominently displayed on this acc #and you know what i did? blocked them and never interacted #and i havent missed seeing their content either! because all their content is stained with that atrocious sentiment #again not a proshipper- im more ship-neutral (though i am profic!) so the death wishes technically werent even against me #but i can tell when someone would turn on me in a insant over fiction- and its that type of terrible person #pro ship blog #pro ship safe #pro shipping #anti anti #anti antis #proship #discourse #anti censorship #pro fiction #profic safe #god damn this is a lot of tags #bye

[dragynkeep]

honestly repeatedly calling csa survivors pedophiles should be considered an act of targeted violence. just, putting that out there lol

#ais.txt #it's a really common tactic in online abuse that's been observed by #psychologists in recent years #but the treatment of csa survivors & furthering that abuse they suffered #absolutely encompasses when they get repeatedly called ped0philes #we all know common decency is dead on the wild west of the internet but #its interesting to see just how language is weaponized violently #by those claiming a moral superiority #bullying & abuse only got easier with internet anonymity lol #csa mention / #csa /

[lovergirljia]

How do you let go of a past that won’t let go of you? What if the past is the only thing that will hold you back?

#jia whines #online diary #vent post #vent blog #cptsd vent #actually cptsd #just cptsd things #truamacore #childhood trauma #csa survivor #5/6/24

[shitcomscriptwriter]

Exposing minors to sexual content is abuse.

Yes, this includes online.

Your nsfw channels need to be locked.

If you allow minors into your nsfw channels on discord, then you are sexually abusing them.

If you know this is happening and do nothing to stop it, you are complicit.

It is your responsibility to do the bare minimum to protect children.

I do not care if you are not a babysitter. I do not care if you think it is not your problem. I do not care if it makes you anxious.

If you can safely stop grooming and abuse, then you need to do your part.

Online CSA is still CSA.

#scriptwriter gets serious #csa survivor #online CSA

[starksurvivorthoughts]

I still don't like to walk past bus stops. I still freeze when someone i don't know starts talking to me. How can you ruin public living for child. Who the fuck were you?

#csa vent #csa survivor #vent #i got uwu twiggered online

[csaventing]

Going through old chats where you were being abused is really… indescribably painful. But I could set boundaries and I did. They just weren’t respected at all, ever. No wonder I stopped setting boundaries after that and all that fell down to 0. I hate my history and what has happened to me.

#survivor #tw csa implied #tw csa #csa vent #trauma vent #actually traumatized #trauma #tw csa mention #tw csa vent #tw nccsa #tw grooming #tw online nccsa #tw online grooming

[gougarfem]

today in therapy (at a rape crisis centre) i spoke about something that i've never been able to before. my therapist told me a few minutes later it sounds like i'm transgender and should try a chest binder. when i told her i identified as trans most of my life detransitioned after being on hormones, she couldn't understand why i would go back to being female. the implication - a damaged, self-hating female. i feel betrayed, like she broke my trust in some way after i told her the most horrific thing i went through. it took a long time to be able to say this and i'm still a little ashamed to discuss it online but i'm a csa survivor with chronic pain and scarring in my genitals as a result. of course i want to escape my body. of course i hate my curves and breasts. does that make me less of a woman? is binding my chest, causing pain and breathlessness, the solution instead of punishing the men who hurt me? how many other girls are told the same thing as me and don't have the knowledge and experience i do? i'm so upset.

#responses appreciated #i really like my counsellor i just don't think she knows enough about transgenderism #tw rape #please please don't judge me for this post #I'll delete it later #vent #lav.txt

[overlookedsurvivors]

I believe Colleen’s victims and the hate they’re getting is disgusting

They didn’t ruin her life. Colleen did it to herself

#csa survivors #tw grooming #online grooming

[nervoustragedyluminary]

No I don't think paraphiles are evil or deserve to be isolated from society but why is an online community allowing minors and people who identify themselves as "minor attracted" in the same space?

What safeguarding is there to ensure everyone in the 18+ channels is actually of age?

What if a minor comes forward about one of the "minor attracted" people you "don't want to alienate" grooming or harming them? Is the minor expected to leave?

What if you discover that some of the "minor attracted" people you've invited have linked up through your discord to share abuse material?

Idk imo it should be a blanket 18+ space if you're going to specifically make it open to paraphiles including "minor attracted" ones. It just seems like there's so much that could go wrong and harm someone and stuff like this has happened again and again in online groups

Idk seems like a slap in the face to csa survivors

You literally sound like a terf/4chan psyop to associate transandrophobia with people who claim attraction to minors and why the fuck would you do that unless you want to shut down any possible future discussion of transandrophobia?

It seems like you're poisoning the well like WHY was it so important to make this space not only about transandrophobia but also about supporting paraphiles who claim attraction to minors and effectively equating the two groups ?

like they have clinical supports, a discord group isn't a therapy group or a professional therapist or program it's a social group

Idk well done I guess you've made it impossible for transmasc csa survivors who don't want to be around self proclaimed MAPs to feel safe in that discussion space hope no minors there end up getting hurt there

#transandrophobia

[matchascroll]

Usually I'm not a fan of making long-winded posts like these, but some of you have to learn the difference between oppression and basic bullying.

Being transharmful/transharmed and facing hate for it is in no way comparable to being transgender. You aren't being doxxed, stalked, beat up or even killed for your identity. You aren't facing oppression in any feasible way. Someone telling you that delving further into your (self admitted) delusions is harmful isn't someone telling you that they hate you, that they want you dead, etc. it's someone genuinely trying to look out for you because you shouldn't feed into delusions.

You wanting to be a MAP, a cult leader, to have gone through RAMCOA, to have a personality disorder, to have gone through CSA, to have bipolar, to be a nazi, is not similar to being transgender. Yes have a space to speak about your delusions, I don't think anyone will be upset over that, but when you're actively starting "cults" and crosstagging to survivor communities, to pd communities etc. that's when it goes south. When you're making tutorials feeding into each other's delusions, encouraging them to fall further into it instead of finding actual healthy coping mechanisms, that's when everyone becomes concerned about your community.

When you draw actual parallels to people who are actively on the verge of being, and currently are in some places, outlawed for their existence, you make your community look worse. You being bullied online will never compare to what transgender people go through, and it's offensive to even compare the two. Is it bad that you're being bullied, sometimes harassed? Yes, obviously. It's still not the same.

Stop it.

#matchascroll #ramcoa #transramcoa

[butch-reidentified]

1. What is a woman?

Argument for Using "Cis-Identifying"

And related: A conversation with a "NERF" about radical feminism, gender identity ideology, and what we/I actually believe.

2. Inform yourself on some of the work I've done for trans people before you continue the trend of cowardly hypocrisy.

3. My thread responding to the way much of the tumblr trans community handled my sharing my story of surviving the 2016 Pulse Nightclub shooting (often by stealing my lived trauma and removing my url) is easily one of the most - if not the most - important posts pertaining to trans discourse I've made to date, and Tumblr won't let me pin it. Of course. So here it is. And a bonus: This lovely ask.

4. Hope for Women (this is a very new project, WIP)

About Me:

I am a butch lesbian, married to a badass gnc (but not butch) radfem lesbian goddess whose misandry surpasses even my own; she does have tumblr but rarely uses it - @psychichologramnightmare is hers. I'm 27/Taurus/May baby, though I'll be real, I've never liked astrology and found my birth chart n whatnot always laughably wildly inaccurate to me (sorry astrology girlies). Former competitive rock climber, still in love with hiking and climbing. Wilderness survivalist. Trained & armed woman, advocate for female-only firearm ownership.

My wife and I run our own business, and bought our first home together at 24 & 25 respectively - it's a lovely 4/3 on a quarter acre where we have 5 mango trees and more, plan to start growing our own food and herbs, foster kittens, and provide free housing (and more) regularly for those in need. We do a LOT of IRL feminist action/work/organizing. I post about some of that work pretty often, but I couldn't possibly post about all of it (even if it were safe to do so). I am basically organizing (mostly offline, but some online as well) full-time now.

Survivor of abuse, CSA + captivity, trafficking in my teens where I was forced into porn as a minor, the Pulse Nightclub shooting in Orlando 2016, and more. I am no longer affected by any of these in any negative psychological manner. I own my past, every moment of it, and wouldn't change a thing I've experienced. What I often tell people is, "I'm not glad it happened; I'm glad I was there."

I got my Bachelor's in Neuroscience/Neuropsych, used to work in a top neuro research lab, and have been a coauthor on a peer-reviewed scientific journal publication. I wrote my undergraduate thesis on POTS, ADHD, some of the relevant epigenetics, and norepinephrine dysregulation. I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos & POTS in 2015, before pretty much anyone had heard of them (including most doctors). My POTS is very well-managed now, but chronic pain from EDS is more of a struggle.

I practice witchcraft as a form of artistic expression. I don't consider myself spiritual as I've had a lifelong inability to "believe," but I am particularly passionate about lesbian-centered/lesbian-exclusive (esp butch & gnc lesbian) witchcraft. I am open to commissions for spell jars/sachets on a purely donation basis (we recently were victims of identity theft and are still struggling to recover, but I'll do them for free happily). This is essentially artistic expression to me, something to express love and sisterhood - why I'm not actually charging or anything and will even pay shipping and materials myself if you'd like one but don't want to/can't donate. To me, it's very similar to commissioning a painting or something of the sort, and I deeply enjoy the process of making them, esp for other women, the love that goes into doing so. See tags: #witchcraft, #brujeria.

Adoptee with complex history. Adoption-critical but not abolitionist - I plan to adopt with my wife in a couple years. I've talked a fair bit about my experiences, adoption trauma, ethical adoption, and more. Check out my tags such as #ethical adoption, #adopted, #adoptee, and so forth (tagged on this post for easy accessibility).

I spent many years surrounded by majority-trans-identifying friends/acquaintances both irl and online, deeply involved in trans spaces & activism, and even identified for a bit & was on T for a while. I am not "uneducated" or unfamiliar with trans-identifying people, their experiences, or gender identity ideology in general. You, like me back then, very probably have been lied to about radfems ("terfs") and what we believe and fight for. I am happy to talk in good faith (provided you do the same) 1 on 1 with anyone who is curious about what we actually believe and what we stand for, what common radfem takes on gender identity ideology & trans identity actually are and why.

I have a history of purely physical sex dysphoria (physical sensation like pain or itching). I got "top surgery" (elective mastectomy) due to this and other reasons: constant painful breast cysts & very large breasts (DDD even when I weighed under 100 lbs). I was not trans-identifying by the time I got this surgery (though I tried to briefly identify as nb/transmasc just bc I felt obligated, but hated it). I have never wanted to be a man socially and genuinely hated the very thought. I came out the womb feminist, got in trouble throughout primary school for fighting boys who tried to pull sexist bullshit, always lowkey believed in female superiority (I mean just look at our biology, lifespans, pain tolerance, the things we've done throughout history despite violent patriarchal oppression...). I spent years preparing myself. I read from & spoke to women who regretted this surgery, challenged myself at every turn, dove deep into my mind and thought processes, tried alternative treatment attempts, worked with a non-affirming therapist, made sure my past traumas were fully healed, and waited until I was in my mid-twenties so my brain was more or less fully matured. I have no regrets about it. I still have some (still purely physical sensation) dysphoria ("phantom male genitals" type of thing) at times, but have come to manage this very well. More on this here.

Formally assessed psychopath & participant in research by leading psychopathy experts (read on before jumping to conclusions). Check out this post and my #psychopathy tag (tagged on this post for easy accessibility) for info, particularly about high-EQ female psychopathy, & to find out everything you think you know about us is wrong 💕 (what you know about male psychopaths is usually right tho 💀)

Note: When it comes to politics, I strive to discuss exclusively that about which I am *uniquely knowledgeable* - by which I mean, essentially, that I (believe I) have something to contribute that is unlikely to be found on every other blog. I do not and will not make posts or reblog posts about topics I do not feel this way about. You are not entitled to know my views on every hot-button issue, and I have no intention of speaking on that which I know little about, or that I don't know enough about (through study or personal experiences) to contribute something you can't get a thousand other places.

Tag Guide (WIP):

#mine -> original posts, including ask responses

#ask -> ask responses only

#anon hate, #anon love -> should be self-explanatory. anon love does include some non-anon love for simplicity.

#catposting, #dogposting, #petposting -> images of cats, dogs, and both, respectively (not always my own)

#Wilder wives -> posts pertaining to me & my wife (last name Wilder)

#mvawg, #mvaw, #male violence -> male violence against women/girls

#ethical adoption -> my takes as an adoptee on the issues within the adoption industry & how adoption can be done ethically

#what we believe -> fairly new tag for posts trying to educate on what radfeminism is actually about/damage control for disinformation & misinformation about it

#trans violence -> violence committed by trans-identifying people, including threats of and graphic violent fantasies (primarily misogynistic ones)

#trans misogyny, #trans lesbophobia, #woke misogyny, #woke homophobia, #woke lesbophobia, etc. -> what it says on the tin

#mine #pinned #hope for Women #ethical adoption #adoptee #adopted #ntsd #neurological type sex dysphoria #sex dysphoria #witchcraft #brujeria #tra receipts #trans violence #male violence #mvawg #trans misogyny #pinned post #about me #what we believe