#or just sleep deprived nonsense

[rillils]

rils, absolutely nothing hurts more than bucky saying "its fine, im used to it, ive had worse.." whenever he gets beaten up a lot

It’s the simple, matter-of-fact way he says it, that makes it all the more heartbreaking.

If he were crying, if he were slamming his balled-up fists into the wall, screaming, rioting at the unfairness of it all, Steve thinks it might be just that bit easier. Then, at least he could wipe Bucky’s tears away, dull the sharp knife-edge of Bucky’s grief with his own hands, hold him in his arms until all the parts of him came back together.

But Bucky keeps his grief under the surface, silent; private, except for those glimpses his body lets slip sometimes, in the traitorous set of his tense shoulders, or the blanching of his knuckles digging tight into his thighs, or the painful clenching of his jaw.

He brushes off the bruises, the cuts, the dark blood crusting his suit, shrugging his shoulder as Steve coaxes him into the chair he pulled up for him from the kitchen table.

“I’m fine,” he says, his jaw blossoming purple and blue in Steve’s cupped hand. Says ‘I’m fine’ and means it, just the same as Steve meant it when he used to say ‘I can take it’ after each beating in a piss-rank alley, back in the day. He recognizes it; the intimate need to believe it, to make it true, speak it true, even on the days when it started to taste like a lie.

“I’m used to it,” Bucky assures him, speaking softly in the homely kitchen glow, hand squeezing Steve’s knee with gentle purpose – as though that wasn’t the worst part. As thought it wasn’t the cruelest piece of truth.

He’s used to it.

He’s grown used to it.

There are so many things humans can grow into. Grow better. Grow kinder. Grow older. But Bucky’s grown into the pain, was raised into it, shaped into it, until pain became a natural presence lingering under his skin, twining its ancient roots around his ribs.

“You shouldn’t be used to it,” Steve murmurs, dabbing iodine over the tender-looking cut cresting Bucky’s cheekbone.

He shouldn’t have to be used to it.

Habit can turn even the most terrible things into day-to-day routine, given enough time.

Habit will see the hurt and whisper, It’s okay, it’s just another Tuesday. It doesn’t matter. But it does. It matters so much, so much it’s all Steve can see right now. That’s what he tries to tell Bucky, with the swipe of his thumb over Bucky’s good cheekbone, seeking the places where touch won’t hurt, where the caress will stir only warmth, no lurking aches: It matters. That’s the salve he spreads on Bucky’s bruised cheek, before slipping the band-aid into place, smoothing it over with the pad of his thumb, tender like a naked heart: It matters.

So what if the black and blue will have faded tomorrow, leaving behind nothing but the olive skin Steve has worshipped longer and more fervently than any gods or holy ghosts? So what if the wounds will heal fast, and the flesh knit itself back together till there’s not a pale scar left behind? That doesn’t mean Bucky’s not hurting now. That doesn’t mean the heart won’t remember, even when all the evidence is gone.

Bucky must read his thoughts on his face, easy as leafing through a book.

“It’s nothing, I swear,” he insists, rubbing soothing circles on the meat of Steve’s kevlar-clad thigh, a small, lopsided grin slanted on his lips. “I’ve had much worse than this.”

He seems to regret the words as soon as they’re out of his mouth. Steve sees it, how the grin seals back up and Bucky’s eyes widen for a moment, as if he startled himself. The way his Adam’s apple bobs and his lips part and close and part again, hesitating. “Sweetheart.”

“I know,” Steve says. “It’s okay.”

Worse, in their two-people world, is barely a euphemism for the atrocities Bucky has borne, the likes of which Steve couldn’t have dreamed of even when he used to come home with more black eyes and fractured ribs than his stubborn body could afford to handle. Worse is a sore spot they only ever touch carefully, treading hand in hand on crumbling ground, and doing so takes its toll. There’s a time and a place for Worse, and tonight, Steve estimates, they both lack the spoons for it.

“Tell me something else you’re used to.” He wets his lips. “Something nice.”

Bucky’s eyes soften. In the dim, buttery light, his irises glitter like gems, startlingly pretty, and the corners crinkle just so, roped into a genuine smile. “Something nice, huh?”

His palms curl around Steve’s forearms, pulling him into Bucky’s space; and Steve goes, standing up from his chair only to step into Bucky’s inviting embrace, climbing into his lap, hoarded close in Bucky’s capable arms.

It’s precious, how Bucky has to tip his head back to look him in the eye like this. The way he looks up – looks up at Steve like he’s gazing at the stars, eyes full of wonder, of something soft like Oh, like How. How does something this beautiful exist. How does it bring light here, where the world is at its darkest.

Bucky’s flesh hand comes up to touch him, warm, brushing knuckle-first against his skin to stroke the soft underside of Steve’s chin, his fingers overlapping with Steve’s jawline, raspy with the day’s stubble.

“I could list you a whole bunch of nice somethings,” Bucky rumbles, gaze raking all over Steve’s face to drink him in, here, up close where he won’t miss a single detail. As though he could collect every freckle, every mole and laugh line and tuck them away for safekeeping, treasures that they are.

Steve exhales softly, feeling warmed through. Wanted. Desired. Craved, with that delicate, bone-deep hunger with which one craves a caress from their lover.

“Just give me the first one off the top of your head,” he prompts, whisper-soft, and tastes the word when Bucky breathes: “One”, against the curve of his lips, before capturing them in a kiss.

He lets Steve take the lead, and Steve moves them as he sees fit: slow and gentle, the bruises on Bucky’s face demanding that he take care, softly now, easy does it, as he tilts his head to the side and slips tender into the welcoming heat of Bucky’s mouth, dancing their tongues together.

His fingers sink in Bucky’s hair, cradling the nape of his neck as they part, lingering, close enough to breathe each other’s air.

“'Tell you a secret, though,” Bucky husks, breathing in with his eyes closed, his nose rubbing at Steve’s flushed cheek. He’s so warm, so warm all around him. Holding onto Steve with a need so deep, Steve is sure it’ll bruise him too, heart and soul. “I ain’t ever getting used to this, honey.”

Steve feels himself shiver, heat dripping down his spine. I love you, he feels, starting breathless in his lungs, tingling all the way into his fingertips, straining against the seams of his skin, too big to be held within. I love you, love you, love you–

In a cone of yellow light in their kitchen, he holds Bucky tight, and he doesn’t let go.

#stucky just stucky #but also #stucky #I'M SORRY HONEY THIS JUST HAPPENED I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW #I TOOK ONE LOOK AT THAT ANGST AND MY BRAIN WAS LIKE 'NOPE. WE SMOOCHIN INSTEAD' #AFSHDGSDFJKFGFLGKHJGHòLKJJK #i'm sorry idek what this is #it's so laaaaaaaaaaaaaate #and i only read it once so god knows what kind of nonsense is hiding in there #halppp #rillers scribbles #some 1200 words pulled out of my aeeeeeeee #it's the sleep deprivation i'm telling ya #*cries in under-eye bags*

[murasaki-cha]

Aw man I was making tea and we were out of honey and I had to use sugar and I really like honey much more on my tea (thank you bees) and don't really like sugar. And I fucked up the measurement and put too much sugar and now the tea is too sweet!!

I don't like sweets! Even the chocolate I eat is dark chocolate!!

I am so sleep deprived rn...... because I was rereading Liz and Wes moments from the BTTM book since I got excited about NLTM for no reason, and than the entire ending part of the book, and than the basketball game chapter from Wes' pov. And than I saw that it was 4 am and I had to wake up at 6:15 am........

I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. I want a coffee so bad but it's 5:15 pm and I will literally stay awake until 2 am if I drink one now. And that's why I'm drinking tea✨ It's wild berry tea! The only tea flavor I actually enjoy drinking..... The british and the asians don't kill me-

I just love wild berry as a flavor! My favorite flavor of all time!! Ice cream, cake, jam, tea, candy! It's so good because it's not that sweet and it's kind of sour so yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!

You know who else would like wild berry flavored thing? CHOI JUNG SOO!!!! OMG HE JUST LIKE ME FR AJEFVXGNFVHGVHFCV!!!!

............ What was this post about again? I really need a nap

Oh crap I need to charge my phone. Like I'm writing this on the laptop but I remembered I need to charge my phone

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I need to work on my assignments

Sleep well kids don't be like me. Or do because I'm 70% more funny when I'm about to pass out

Ah crap I finished my tea writing this

I wanna read TCF now....

#my thoughts are all over the place rn I needed to write them down #should I start a tiktok vlog where I just talk nonsense like this #I mean other people do it why can't I I'm hilarious when I'm sleep deprived #I feel like crying now lol wtf #ok bye love kisses muah! #tcf #trash of the count's family #choi jung soo #better than the movies #nothing like the movies #wes bennett #liz buxbaum #wes x liz #bookblr #tea #sleep deprivation #sleep deprived af #sleep deprived thoughts

[ghostlune]

pet names are so weird I swear like I hate the pet name bAbY like wtf is that- but then you say

my baby, or baby boy and I’m like sjsjdndn

#No one see this pls I’m just screaming sleep deprived nonsense into the abyss #ignore me

[bowofbalance]

13 talks to House. Bickering about philosophy and politics makes it easier, but they both know they're talking about pain and death and family and pain when they're talking about medical ethics and the upcoming elections.

#house md #sleep deprived nonsense words #yes i make no sense and I'm sorry #but i just know house and thirteen #remy thirteen hadley

[fyodcrs]

Wake up, fun new theory on Fyodor’s Ability just dropped.

Well, really I’m just reanalyzing my original theory, which, to summarize, is that Fyodor’s Ability is exactly what the name implies: he judges people for their “crimes” and “punishes” them with death. Considering what little we know, this seems logical enough (at least to me, lol). But, if I’m not totally off the mark, how could such an Ability get Fyodor and Chuuya out of this little trap Dazai has set up for them? Dazai specifically said that since Chuuya’s Ability will not work, Fyodor’s Ability is all that’s left, which makes me think the whole trap was designed to force Fyodor to reveal his Ability in the first place. 

Perhaps Fyodor’s Ability isn’t quite as simple as he “punishes crimes.” Perhaps, instead, his Ability is that he can determine whether or not someone deserves to be punished for their “crimes.” In other words, he not only has the power to decide that someone deserves death, but the power to determine that someone does not deserve death. In the former case, his touch automatically kills the person in question. In the latter, his touch protects the person from death, maybe from all bodily harm. Naturally, he does not see himself as deserving of death - not yet, anyway, not until he has achieved his ultimate goal - so he can also protect himself. 

Basically, he could just grab Chuuya’s hand and decide that they both live, so piss off, Dazai.

(This would, of course, make Nikolai’s poison moot, but it was moot from the beginning, let’s be honest with ourselves.)

This would also make Fyodor pretty much unkillable - unless he chooses to die. I’ve been saying for a while now that Fyodor and Dazai are so evenly matched that I can only see Fyodor actually losing if he gives up. 

I just think it would be a neat twist to Fyodor’s character and the ideas of life, death, and salvation - and judgment - that are central to his character. 

#I’m just spouting off nonsense at this point #WE’RE GONNA FIND OUT SOON AND I AM READY #Fyodor #BSD #Bungou Stray Dogs #bsd spoilers #Fyodor Dostoevsky #I’ve been thinking about this since last month but I don’t think of making posts too often asdhhghj #I could probably go more in-depth with this but #I'm sleep-deprived and this is basically just an addendum to my original theory #and my main reason for this is I just want Fyodor to be unkillable that's it

[crosswordgf]

i stayed up watching that new hbomb video cause i have a lot of anxiety at the moment and can't sleep and it should come with an unreality warning or something cause the idea that someone would go to all that trouble just to avoid having a single original thought just really hit me and fucks me up like in what world are you living. like here's me losing sleep for a week because my social anxiety and perfectionism and academic insecurity all were activated by a horrible seminar im gonna have on wednesday where i have to like contribute to a discussion in front of the class and it's horrible im mentally sending hate mail to the professor whatever but like here's me worrying objectively way too much about saying something meaningful in the worlds smallest shittiest most meaningless context to the point where it's majorly negatively affecting my life and people are just out there making shit up and passing themselves off as having anything at all to say. and it can go largely unnoticed! what the fuck! anyway i got that guys videos recommended to me so often and added some of them to my watch later list but never got around to it cause they seemed boring 😭

#the unreality part is just like well if its that hard for someone to come up with even a sentence then what if the same is #true for me. what possible other explanation could there be for anyone to do this. which fed into insecurities and also just #like. what is real what is not #pure nonsense im just very sleep deprived

[a-trying-writer]

[good company - short-short hh fic.]

As slimy, weird, and uncomfortable as it is, Cat still found herself melting into Maison's couch, embracing his suffocating warmth. His soft organs pressed against her skin is oddly comforting to her, but maybe it's because she has grown so used to it by now. Or maybe it is because she has no real point of reference of what is actually a proper home.

But "home is where the heart is," as the saying goes, which both Maison and Cat found rather funny. A silly pun that can never be more true.

#blah blah blabbity blah #short fic #im sleep deprived #and i have a lot on my mind. #so this is just some slight self indulgent nonsense i written for myself. #teehee~.

[darcymariaphoster]

Norway and Iceland literally any time Ice decides to do something even vaguely stereotypically Icelandic:

Nor: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Ice: But I can, so why shouldn't I?

Fin: Do. It.

Nor: B u l l s h i t.

#my shit #hetalia #aph norway #hws norway #aph iceland #hws iceland #aph finland #hws finland #it sounded so funny in my head 😭 #im probably just sleep deprived fr #nonsense

[mycotoxin]

Me when I’m sleep deprived at 3 AM because it feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest and I can hear my dad accidentally breaking shit

#I don’t even know if this shit is good. I was so damn tired and just had an idea #too tired to even listen to the midi. could be like my nonsensical equally sleep deprived scribbles

[midnight-work-of-art]

i'm not in the fandom really at all but i adored season 1 so i was super excited for season 2 of good omens and i just finished watching it and had to come here and say i think it's interesting that i immediately thought, as Crowley was driving off while the credits rolled, "oh they're going to put a string version of Love Of My Life in now!" and then they... didn't. i don't know the theories about the new season or any of that besides a glance through the trending tag but it HAS to mean something considering how detail-oriented this show is. it seems like the obvious choice to have Crowley put it on in the Bentley in that moment, especially considering they only have one Queen song (Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy - an incredible choice lol) play in the car in the whole of s2 compared to Queen playing nearly every time that I remember Crowley driving in s1. but the trivia from prime that they put in this season had said that there was only the one normal version of a Queen song on the soundtrack, and then they changed over to a sad instrumental after A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square played so i just fully assumed that they were transitioning into their reimagined version of Love Of My Life and i was sort of shocked when it didn't. it just seems so obvious (and there couldn't be a more fitting song for that situation in my opinion) so it just seems like a deliberate choice to not include it but i dunno, maybe somebody who has more insight in the fandom has more thoughts on this, just wanted to add my two cents

#does this even make sense? #maybe not but i just feel like its a meaningful choice #perhaps this is all absolute sleep-deprived nonsense who knows #good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens 2 spoilers #sort of #queen #love of my life

[thesmollestsnek]

Huh. I just realized that my hair is even longer than I think it is. Which is fuckin impressive, coming from me, considering. I normally think of my hair as waist length. But uhh, I showered just now and apparently it’s actually down to my hips? Which is fuckin wild, like damn. I know I literally never get haircuts but I somehow wasn’t expecting this, normally it’s in a braid and even when it’s down it’s wavy enough that I didn’t realize. There’s not like, an actual point to this ramble, just. I happened to look in a mirror right after showering and was surprised at how long it actually is, I didn’t think my hair could actually get this long, it’s never gotten more than like an inch below my waist before. I guess the most recent addition to my hair care routine’s been having even bigger effect than j thought.

#the snek rambles #i know i just got a whole bunch more followers which is still fuckin wild to me by the way #but that being said. this kind of sleep deprived rambling is pretty par for the course #so like. if you’re here for the art and writing and my current dp/dc hyperfixation you mayyyy wanna block my ramble tag lol #id lowkey been thinking hard abt what my first post after That One blew up a bit should be but yknow what? #I feel like this is a p good representation of me #ping pinging from deep shit to complete nonsense is a p good representation of my mind lol #and shit like this is literally part of why I made this blog in the first place so. I ain’t about to change it #it’s like four am and I have work in the morning what am I still doing up #fuck i think I made the tags into a separate post completely unrelated to the one they’re attached to goddamnit #I’m gonna go to bed now

[ahauntedcowboy]

i am the sleepiest ghoul in the world okay? i am ready to sleep at any time. i’ll sleep right the fuck now, don’t try me.

#eri's posts #im so sleepy i want to sleep #i even had a big cup of coffee (made my my bestie <3) and it didn't touch it #and im kinda dreading the next few days because i have to be sleep deprived and kept up #and maybe im not the chillest person when im sleep deprived #i just go nonverbal #or speak nonsense #there's no in between

[porter-pumpkim]

staying up too late spiral

just some doodles of Porter Pumpkim experiencing getting the side effects of not sleeping

#pumpkin #pumpkim #doodles #drawings #nonsense #sleep deprived #sleep is for the sane and i am not that! #dont mind me smelling muffins at 3am when i in fact do not have a sense of smell and there were no muffins. #sometimes the sleep just won't work

[bataranqs]

5 Happy Things

Nov. 23, 2022

1. WEDNESDAY (2022) IS OUT BABYYYY AND I’M LOVING IT

2. My student nearly fell asleep during class today and it was not great but she was very cute

3. I made two scrunchies yesterday (which was my first time making scrunchies period) and my little sister liked them enough to steal them (??? uncertain if this is bc they’re good or just bc she likes stealing my things)

4. You don’t have to wear socks at home! You can just be barefoot! Yeahhhh

5. I got this really lovely series of comments on ishte and I’m just. Yeah that fic is my baby. Also we’re somehow almost at 70k with that fic. How.

#5 happy things #around halfway through wednesday 2022 lmao immediately wrote 2k for it even while nowhere near done #can. can you tell that i'm a lil sleepy deprived. hehe #hehehe #anyways tmrw i'm going in-person for work which means i can maybe sleep in a lil? idk #but also i have to teach an evening class tmrw (thankfully all my late-night class programs have ended but. still.) so there's that #i got this wicked-cool spider-man print fabric from the dollar store. it's very bad quality but it's a yard for just $4 #got a pack of normal elastic bands and just hand-sewed the cloth around and it made a pretty good scrunchie? maybe? idk #but i've discovered that getting to be creative and make things that you can visually appreciate (not just writing) is pretty awesome hsjweg #re-discovered probably. i've learned this lesson 50 times and i will forget and re-learn 500 more! bad memory gang come together #also got some coloured pencils and have just been doing nonsense in my sketchbook #now that my evening programs are ending and my work is winding down (i still have another month left of work but still lol) #i get to do a lot more creative and fun things so that's been super nice

[tipsywench]

I fucking hate people who let their cats roam outside

I woke up at 5am hearing animals screaming and fighting - which my half-asleep brain totally thought was a baby crying outside my window so that was a nice little horror movie moment

But either cats were fucking, fighting, or a cat was murdering some animal but holy shit that was unpleasant to hear

#tipsy nonsense #i was too sleep deprived to do anything but open my window which kinda startled them #but like I shouldve just shouted or something bc that prob wouldve broken it up sooner #next time I will open my window at 5am and shout into the darkness

[whatsgoodmentalhealth]

Some random aphobe to an ace person who just told them their sexuality: So are you a fucking playing card or some shit?

The ace person who also happens to be nb: fuck yeah. exactly.

#fucking nonsense #but OH WELL #sleep deprived thoughts #random thoughts #I couldn't sleep until I wrote or posted this somewhere so #here you go! #ignore my rambling tags #please #I'll probably regret these tags in the morning when I'm slightly less sleep deprived but. WHATEVER. #I've just realized that this post has a shit ton of tags #I should probably shut up #but no. #I will not. #I refuse. #someone: shut up #me: make me bitch #me: I'll ramble incoherently in my tags all I want #it's MY post I'll do what I want with it #i just learned a thing #You're only allowed 30 tags apparently #did not know that #i just hit return until it stopped me #i think i still have a few left after this though #my brain is. not working #i feel high #but for legal reasons #I'M NOT HIGH #JUST SLEEP DEPRIVED #one more after this. then no nore bc it won't let me. #bye people. sadly i must stop my rambling. 😭