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katsukikitten · 4 months

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Medical rant, like this is an unhinged diary entry y'all don't take anything serious underneath the cut I'm just pissed

Insurance companies are a fucking scam. I've said this shit since middle school. It's a way to make profit off of sick and desperate people. I'm not sure what qualifications some asshole behind a desk with an algorithm that assists them in approving or denying medication that's being prescribed to people needs but I highly doubt it's to the same quality or degree that a doctor needs.

A doctor that actually sees me in person, gives a diagnosis and then plans treatment accordingly. I fail to see how some random person who has never seen me, never seen a photo of me or my issues or even knows who the fuck I am aside from a file number has ANY right to approve or deny coverage for something I absolutely need.

And while we're on that isn't it kinda funny how pain meds don't go through these issues? They can give out oxi and Vicodin like mints but God forbid I need a specific medication for SOMETHING THAT CAN PHYSICALLY BE SEEN.

Bruh yea and this was already why I was apprehensive about receiving any fucking care for it in the first place because I didn't want to get my hopes up that we'd find something and it'd actually work with minimum side effects. And this is exactly why I will be doing nothing for my mental health. Y'all can't see physical symptoms of that so I highly doubt I'd get any sort of serious treatment for any of it unless I was totally brutally honest and then got my special expensive mandatory grippy sock vacation.

Fuck America, fuck the for profit system we have on people's lives, fuck everyone who defends insurance companies, fuck the person who denied my shit and ESPECIALLY fuck this person who waited until SATURDAY to tell me my shit was denied so now I can't do anything UNTIL FUCKING TUESDAY.

Fuck everything and everyone I wish this was a disease that could fucking kill me so I could die on the front steps of the CEO's mansion.

I dunno this just solidifies that no one really gives a shit and the worst part is that I have to rely on someone else to make this appeal for me. You like can't make the appeals yourself ITS MY FUCKING LIFE YOU'RE PLAYING WITH like?! I'm absolutely fucking confused how I'm going to rely on this person I've also never met to appeal this shit for me WHEN THEY COULDN'T EVEN GET MY GOD DAMN REQUEST OUT IN A TIMELY MANNER EITHER THEY COULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER IF THEY CALLED ME

I've been living off of samples and I know once this runs out I'll have built up an immunity to the drug once it's flushed out of my system and my disease is going to come back worse. I'm going to skin myself alive on the CEOs fucking front porch. I'm going to look them in the eyes and ask if this is enough evidence yet while letting it pile on her fucking feet. Least in jail I might actually get my fucking medication approved but probably not. I really do not care to live in a world where I am utterly powerless. I do not want to be here I have never asked to be here. I never asked for this disease or my other mental illnesses. I'm not trying to take this shit for fun I actually fucking need it and I already have a difficult time admitting I need something that I cannot actively get myself. This just goes to fucking show why try at all! Why do anything at all! Why suffer?!

The shoe is always going to fucking drop.

I wish it was an anvil, I wish it would just fucking kill me. For New years I'm gonna kiss a tree going 120 fucking A

#kitten hisses 🖤🐈‍⬛#kitten vents 🖤🐈‍⬛#delete later

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jojokillah · 8 months

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10th Anniversary

Copium

When internet people joke about copium, like "you need more copium" I actually think about opium and mainly opiates which are derivatives of opium. Because I needed a lot of copium for years.

I thought I will never be free from it. Keep in mind, this is THE DRUG, the hardest drug all movies are about. Basketball Diaries, Trainspotting and such. The shit superstars shot up in the 80's. I talk about all of them. Fentanyl, Heroin, Morphine, Methadone, Oxys, Norcos, Roxys, Vicodins, Percocets, Somas, Tramadol, Doreta, Kratom. The last 3 are especially common in my country, been and still being addicted to them. The whole family. My blog turned 10 years old 2 days ago, but I was too dopesick to put anything here. This was my 4th attempt to kick opiates for good. I kicked Tramadol and Kratom not so long ago, but relapsed. A thing I thought was impossible after all that suffering I went through. Rehab, Psych ward, inpatient, being kicked out for drinking on Xanax and popping additional Klonopin 2's to ease the wds, the cold turkey home. 3 weeks of Hell. But somebody was waiting for me. Somebody who visited me in the hospital, visited me home. My ex fiancé. I got my life back, then I lost it again. I lost it for good this time. It will never come back. I kicked Alcohol and Xanax many times, being in the worst delirium a human can imagine. Literally dying, after I survived a massive Xanax overdose, then left without any, hallucinating in life threatening seizures, then hallucinating for 2 months. It sure took it's toll on me, like my first time kicking dope. Popping 10-20 Klonopin 2's, drinking a liter of whiskey daily on top of it. This shit never ends. Relapsing to opiates, then benzos follow, alongside with alcohol. Today would have been the 3rd day of another streak of an opiate cold turkey. But I couldn't take it anymore. I barely have Xans now, and I don't really think I will have a refill again. As a teen, as a massive k2 fiend and alcoholic, when I started this whole bullshit blog, never ever could foresee how deep will I sink into this hellish nightmare of addiction.

Today I broke the streak, had some dope. Much dope. The last bag I had, without a possible way to obtain more. Just to cope with all of it. The breakup, the depression, the internal damage in my receptors from all these years, the lost years, the sight of this disgusting village I got trapped in since my first draw of weed at 15. The poverty, the shame, the madness, the sadness, the anhedonia, the defeat.

Xanax was not enough to shut up the whole madness in my head. And I had a good dose of that too. I'm depressed on dope. I don't fear dopesickness anymore, because I can't escape. I just accept the additional pain and suffering. Unimaginable suffering ahead. It doesn't really worth it to be honest. Not even dope can shut my inner pain up. It is screaming in terror. Not regressing into childhood anymore, not being positive and grateful anymore. It's lost, it's dead. All I hear is the scream, before falling off a cliff.

#dope #addiction #opiate addiction #opioids opiates #opioid crisis #pain meds #xanax addiction #xanax pills #cold turkey #depression #depressed

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shirtlesssammy · 3 years

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4x11: Family Remains

Then:

Castiel, angel of the lord, gripped Dean tight and raised him from perdition. Also, Dean finally unloaded his Hell trauma to Sam.

Now:

Drunken man watches television one night. The lights flicker and his door won’t open. Another door opens to reveal a very ragged girl. A ghost! Long story short: the Home Sweet Home embroidery is going to need a lot of Oxy to get back to fighting shape.

Dean, meanwhile, is taking a page out of the old Sam Winchester-Barrel-Through-The-Trauma playbook and is working cases non-stop. He is not going to talk about Hell. Nope, those feelings are buried real deep again. Anyway, Dean’s found a ghost case in Nebraska.

Sam and Dean head to the now vacant house to check things out. Something behind the walls watches their inspection. The EMF meter is all over the place, but there are power lines. They find a doll head in the closet. Routine bullshit.

Their inspection is interrupted by a family and all their moving gear. Looks like the place was sold. We‘ve got Mom Susan and Dad Brian, Little Brother Danny, Buster the Dog, Petulant Sister Kate, and Cool Uncle Ted.

Sam and Dean approach the family as inspectors. There’s asbestos in the walls and a gas leak. Sorry family, you can’t move in today. The family wants to stay so Dean threatens a fine or jail. The family gives them one night.

Sam and Dean hit the hunt in Fed suits. They interview the woman that found the body of Mr. Gibson.

She cleaned his house for five years but didn’t know him too well. He was private. He had some family trauma: wife died in childbirth and his daughter hanged herself. The cleaner has some pictures of the daughter and gives them to Sam and Dean. She also notes that while there was never any weird light flickering activity, she did hear rustling in the walls. Rats. She never saw them though.

The brothers don’t think the ghost is the mother or daughter so they decide they need to head back to the house to investigate further.

The family, breaking the county inspectors’ orders, decides to move in anyway. Ooohh, a little gas leak and asbestos never hurt anyone, ooohhhHH.

That night (where are Sam and Dean?), the son is busy playing video games, and avoiding unpacking. A ball rolls from his bedroom closet and he looks in to investigate. “It’s okay,” he tells the shadows. Then he plays a fun game of catch with the closet.

Sam and Dean finally arrive, and see the family has moved in. Crap.

Uncle Ted calls the parents into the living room. ‘GO’ is written in large red letters on the wall. How welcoming!

Brian blames Danny instantly. Danny denies doing it, but the parents double down on the blame game. Danny insists that “the girl in the walls did it.” Uh, Danny, not helping your case. Danny CAN’T believe they don’t believe him when they send him to his room (lol, not much of a punishment, he just came from his room). Also, Andy would believe him, so there!

Kate is busy sulking in her bedroom when she starts petting Buster off screen. So, OF COURSE, it’s not the dog. He wanders in shortly after. Obligatory scream session activated.

The daughter tells the parents there’s a ghost in the house. There’s a knock at the door and Sam and Dean bust in after hearing her screams. They tell the family there’s a ghost in the house. Kate is vindicated!

Danny keeps talking about the Wall Girl. Dude, give it up. Buster escapes outside. The lights cut out just as Dean is yelling that they’re in danger. Then they hear whimpering outside. They rush out, and well, I’ll just direct you to this little website for the next scene. There’s blood all over the ground and a note written in blood: “too late”.

Sam and Dean insist the family leave. They race to their cars and Dean finds the ghost did a real number on Baby. All tires are slashed and weapons are gone.

Hell Hath No Fury Like Dean Winchester when His Car’s Been Messed With:

(And for the record, I mistyped ‘car’ with ‘cas’. Still would work.)

Kate sees the ghost in the field.

Sam and Dean can’t figure out how it’s outside. Now stuck on the property, they direct everyone back inside, and into a salt circle. They tell the family that this is what they do. The kid thinks it’s pretty cool that they’re like Scooby-Doo (Dean thinks he’s better --and we know now that his ghost hunting is just different.)

Sam gets confirmation that the ghost is the daughter. He tells the family that she killed herself in the house. Uncle Ted’s better than all this, man, and starts to leave. Dean stops him with the threat of a bullet hole (I’m probably not reading too much into how violent Dean seems in this episode. They’re just people but he’s threatening to shoot the guy? I feel like we’re dealing with the aftermath of Hell for Dean and he’s still there at times.)

Ted decides to continue to needle the strangers in their home who threatened to shoot him. Something creaks in the house and a girl enters the room.

Dean counsels them to stay calm and stay in the salt circle. The girl smirks and...crosses the salt circle, knife in hand. “She’s not a ghost,” Dean realizes, and engages in a one-sided knife battle with her. “Humans,” Dean spits out later in disgust as they try to wrap their heads around creepy, murderous Nell.

Everyone gathers except...Danny. He’s missing! I experience some serious second-hand parent agony. Dean orders Susan and Kate to barricade themselves in the shed while the menfolk (pfft) search for Danny.

Dean and Ted pop open a loose section of wall, releasing the strong smell of rotting flesh. “You smell that?” Ted asks. “Every day,” Dean replies and I die a little inside for him.

Dean squeezes in between the extremely spacious wall cavities and finds A HOLE. He must go in THE HOLE.

Downstairs, there are remnants of dead animals everywhere. But above Ted, something lurks. This is what you get for being the wisecracking brother. Ted eats a knife and bleeds out next to Dean.

For SOMEBODY HOLD MY TRAUMATIZED BOY Science:

Dean reunites with the family and reveals that Ted died. “I shouldn’t have left him alone,” Dean murmurs, STILL IN HIS GUILT COFFIN. Brian tries to reassure his wife that Danny’s been spared by the crazy murder girl living in their house. They reference some oblique, recent family trauma, which Brian later reveals was the death of their eldest son in a car crash. Dean promises to get Danny back “if it’s the last godforsaken thing I do.” GUH.

“Why do you care so much?” Brian asks. Oh, sweet sunshine. It’ll take many seasons to unpack that question.

Sam pulls Dean aside. He’s been reading Rebecca’s diary (as he is wont to do) and discovered that the murder girl was likely her daughter and that Rebecca was raped by her father. “Oh, gross,” Dean neatly summarizes it. “Humans, man.”

Sam thinks that her life being like “hell” is no excuse. “Like you know what Hell’s like.” Dean accuses. OH MY GOD. Also, just give Sam some time, Dean Bean. Urg.

Danny wakes up, bound in the basement. Creepy girl climbs out of one of her holes. She brought her new best friend a fresh rat! When Danny implies (by screaming) that he isn’t hungry, she eats the rat.

Dean insists on hurling himself down a dumbwaiter shaft. He vowed to save Danny. He NEEDS to save Danny!

While Dean’s following a trail of guns to find Danny, murder girl is waging an assault on the shed. Untying Danny, Dean learns almost too late that the girl has an accomplice...her brother.

DOUBLE UGH

Sam and Brian haul Danny to safety while Dean engages in fisticuffs with the brother. Dean shoots the crazed brother in the fight. Meanwhile, Brian drags the girl from the shed and kills her. He confronts his wife and daughter, holding a bloody knife. Erm. Awkward.

The next morning, they fix tires (and Sam methodically arranges the contents of the Impala’s trunk).

The family affirms their unity (and their shared trauma) and sends Dean and Sam back onto the road.

They park under an overpass to eat. Except...Dean sets his burger down. WHEN A DOG DOESN’T EAT AMIRITE? Dean reveals his empathy for the murder siblings. “Lifelong torture” will do that to a person.

Sam tries to assure him. “They were barely human.” Oh sunshine, wrong choice of words. Dean informs Sam that he was worse than them. (“Humans, man,” I hiss to myself.) Dean confesses that he tortured for the “sheer pleasure” of it. “I tortured souls and I liked it. All those years. All that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself.” He’ll never fill the hole in his soul, no matter how many people he saves. Excuse me while I think about the series end and allow the dark hole of a murder house to swallow me up.

My Favorite Murder Quotes:

You can’t run forever

The girl in the walls did it

What could possibly go wrong in the country?

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #dean winchester #sam winchester #spn 4x11 #family remains #supernatural season 4

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achundeyan · 3 years

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[ A short diary about our Covid-19 ] - Part 06

Around the isolation area.

1st floor is used for people with serious illness including blood pressure and for those who need oxygen tank for breathing.

The other floors are used for F0 with not serious symptoms or no symptom.

===

[ Một nhật ký ngắn về Covid-19 của nhà tui ] - Phần 06

Một vòng quanh khu cách ly.

Tầng 1 dành cho những người bệnh nặng bao gồm cả huyết áp và những người cần thở bằng bình Oxy.

Những tầng khác được sử dụng cho F0 với các triệu chứng nhẹ hơn hoặc không có triệu chứng.

#my photos #A short diary about our Covid-19 #Vietnam

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111misty111 · 3 years

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I always thought of myself as a writer, although the only time I wrote was when given assignments and told what to write about. I had many failed attempts at journals and diaries as any young girl does but I was adamant that the word writer described me. Maybe it was because when I did write I wrote well, or maybe it was because I felt like no one could really correct me until my truth had already been spoken and at that point I didn’t care if it was well or correct all I cared is I felt powerful. Thats how writing made me feel; powerful. I never wrote about world hunger or Peace on Earth not even anything fun really. Come to think of it the power it gave me to just let things come and flow through me much like my internal monologue is probably the only thing I did enjoy, the topics were all stupid the grammar never really seemed all to important, you get what I’m trying to say. So why did I let myself from 2nd grade on describe myself as a writer as if I were a poet of some sort, was I just a liar maybe?

I don’t know thats not even what I wanted to talk about I’m sad, real sad butt like don’t throw me a potty party I just wanna talk sad. I’m pregnant. NO thats not why I’m sad I’m sad because ill be a mom and mine is dead. How selfish or not selfish I don’t know but ever since I found out I’ve been wallowing in the fact my M-O-M Is no more.

So every happy thought is net by a equally or more disturbing sad thought almost intrusive in nature and I am no stranger to them. Ya see giving birth to me is what took my mom from me in the firstplace. No she didn’t die during labor, she might as well should have. The simple way of pitting it is they botched her epidural and it gave her a life time subscription to oxy. Nah I don blame myself thanks for asking,but I do hold some sort of survivors guilt I guess is what I call it. Although she didn’t die that day, her fate was sealed and I resent every addict in her family for not seeing hat as much as it pains me.

I’m just sad I think how at 18 she use to tell me how excited she was for grandkids and how they would always see her sober, how she would quit smoking to run in the yard with them. The one phrase that gets me is “Ima do right by my grand babies” and I can’t help but think how they are robbed of someone who really was a loving and “ment-to-be” mom and grandma because that was her job and she loved it and you KnEW it. I can’t help but hurt for her knowing she feels robbed and how she must hurt seeing me hurt. It’s all too much and I can no longer see through my tears to be continued

#dead mom #first time mom #pregnacy #rant post #crazy lady #bpd vent

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oxidi · 5 months

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the haunted man 🩸 homage to ryan mcginley's photo for bat for lashes' similarly titled album

budapest, 2023 (ig)

#oxi-diary #budapest #photography #2023 #the haunted man #bat for lashes

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youcantfiremebecauseiquit · 3 years

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I think Courtney Love is as fake as Emilie Autumn. They both created alternate pasts and idealized identities for the images they want to project as famous people.

I just realized i wrote 2 pages or something of text. If you asked me in person i’d tell you maybe two sentences but when i have to write, i write too much. Sorry lol.

It’s your opinion and you have right to think so. But CL being comparable to Emilie Autumn? Dude. Alternate pasts? What pasts? Courtney Love didn’t create her past, she literally had fucked up past. And she didn’t lie about her family. She would sometimes exaggerate while saying her Hollywood/rock anecdotes but she didn’t lie about her past. I recommend buying „Dirty Blonde”. Idk, I think you simply don’t like her. Courtney Love had kinderwhore look for a few years and then switched to designer clothes, but she doesn’t undermine her previous looks and records (except for Pretty On The Inside, she doesn’t like it now). Courtney doesn’t create any fake alternate reality, she have recurring themes (like fallen women for example), but she does what she wants while Emilie milks the same old worn out thing for years. She writes about anything she wants to, from violence towards women and shady strip club situations, fallen women, eating disorders, post partum depression, riot grrrl poser movements and elitism to love, mourning, beauty/ugliness and finally being broken, in a constant falling-rising up-falling cycle (especially on later records). EA basically only writes about one subject for years. Courtney’s music may not be complicated and she might not have a perfect voice/looks/personality but she’s honest in her songs – girls and boys worldwide find themselves in her lyrics and experiences. You may not like her but that doesn’t mean her music is fake. I don’t think Emilie Autumn’s lyrics are fake either, it’s just that she’s narcissistic, mean and compulsively lying, rewriting her past every few years and only accepting endless praise – if you don’t like her, you’re her enemy. Courtney Love doesn’t care. She lets people think whatever they want to think.

As a Courtney Love fan knowing a lot about her i look at her a little different than people not liking her/not reading,listening to her. Courtney Love fans know well that sometimes you’ve got to take what Courtney says with a huge grain of salt, cause she likes to exaggerate stories to make them more interesting. (And Kurt Cobain did the very same thing. “Rock’n’roll stories” from his diaries. The whole “i was bullied cause i desperately tried to sleep with disabled girl in high school” story from Montage of Heck? That’s a madeup story he wrote in diary and later recorded on tape when he was bored. Somehow people don’t consider him “liar”.) Usually as a Courntey fan you learn to notice that border, and you can somehow “feel” where she exaggerates. Mostly i’d say when we notice those moments we all kind of get amused and laugh it off & continue to reading further. It’s not like we immediately get offended like “OMG she’s a liar i’m a fan no more”. The problem with EA is nobody believed she could ever lie, you would get hunted by fans if you dared to doubt her words. Her „history” was designed as something 100% true and real, but it turned out there’s more of fake than truth, yet she still continues to keep up her lies.

You can dislike Courtney’s nowadays lifestyle like red carpet designer dresses and all that glamour. But “creating a past and persona” or being a liar comparable to Emilie Autumn? How so? She doesn’t lie about her name - everybody knows her real name and she never pretended that Love is her birth surename. She adapted name Courtney Love in 80′s after her friend Pat Smear (from The Germs & later Nirvana) told her this would be a good artistic nickname for her.

Courtney Love never lied about her parents or her youth. She had bad experiences with her family & certainly was raised poorly, but she didn’t try to rewrite her story or bury her parents in the “fire” (although she has good reasons to). Everybody knows about her therapist mother Linda Carrol & her father is Hank Harrison, previously manager of The Grateful Dead band. Courtney was even featured on the back cover on one of their records as a tiny child. Courtney wasn’t on good terms with mother and usually circled between her and other relatives. Her father is a complete piece of shit - he gave Courtney LSD when she was a toddler, which was why he lost a custody of her. He claims to know his daughter so well, even though he wasn’t raising her at all, and wrote a fucking book about how psychotic Courtney is, although he lost custody of her when she was a tiny toddler. And how Courtney killed Kurt. No, actually, he wrote A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY OF KURT, even though he never met him. Of course Kurt-was-murdered conspiracy fans consider him their beloved mascot because of that, asking for his opinion & believing anything he says.

Her family certainly weren’t as rich as EA’s, but they had some recognition and money. In the beginning of 80′s CL started getting some trust fund left by maternal grandparents, so she could afford going to other countries & make additional money stripping.

Later she spent youth in different countries & boarding schools, later got arrested for shoplifting and spent time in correctional facility for teenage girls. In Dirty Blonde book she wrote about her experiences from that time, printed some papers from Hillcrest describing her behaviour. Idk, but Emilie Autumn took A HUGE inspiration from Courtney’s Dirty Blonde book. All the idea for including papers from hospital, all scrapbooking style was taken from Courtney. Even the fucking “red crayon” - guess what, Courtney’s book begins with a letter from facility written in red crayon, cause they don’t allow them to have pens.

The only thing i have doubts about are her universities. She said she studied English, philosophy & theology but I think it was only a few months/semesters. When you say someone studied this and that you immediately think the person finished studies, but in fact she was starting and dropping learning. But she never said she graduated or anything, so i think it is obvious she studied for one or two semesters or in weekends or something.

She always had an interest in rock music, although she prefered 80′s new wave and stuff like Fleetwood Mac and Echo and The Bunnymen, which she always admitted anyway. It’s not like she suddenly adapted rock music after it became profitable. She only learned how to play guitar in the very beginnings of Hole, so she probably only wanted to sing earlier. In the 80′s she spent time in Liverpool. She was hanging around with Echo and The Bunnymen band and apparently lived at Julian Cope’s house. It’s not made up, cause Cope was really jealous of her fame in 90′s. Plus i heard he wrote about her in his autobiography. Somebody wrote a book about Courtney’s time spent in Liverpool and London this year, but i don’t have it yet. But it’s not like she took all those stories from nowhere, she really spent time living with Echo & being a friend/roadie for other bands. I remember she also knew Joe Strummer, she was a friend or a roadie for The Clash. Later they also starred in Alex Cox’s movie. She was a young impressionable girl at the time, so she was learning from those bands. She had more goth/punk style at the time.

People excuse her of leeching of whatever rockband she can & you can interpret it however you want, but seeing how she roadied with punk bands in her teens and how she liked to meet new rock bands after she got famous shows she liked to surround herself with people from rock circles. Men from rock bands hang around other men/women from other bands all the time but it’s always Courtney Love that gets shit for that.

You can doubt Courtney’s words on her inventing “kinderwhore” and starting that style trend. Although it was Courtney who coined that term. People usually yell that Courtney is unoriginal and that she stole the style from Kat Bjelland. And i say bullshit, it wasn’t even started by Kat. The girl from Divinyls did it before (CL admited she took it from her), Kim Shattuck of The Muffs did it before.

She said she liked cute dresses so much as an adult cause her mother always dressed her up rather manly– if you look at her childhood photos she indeed wasn’t looking like a „girly girl”, her mother was much into hippie culture. She got into that feminine look as she lost a lot of weight in the beginning of 90’s, so i guess that’s why she could pull off that babydoll look. Anyway here’s the interview where she explains the idea behind her style:

youtube

Courtney listened to different bands, she liked harsh noise like Big Black but she also liked Fleetwood Mac. She posted an advert she’s looking for people inspired by these particular bands, so it’s not like she was lying about her softer music side. I believe Pretty On The Inside was partly a “fuck you” to Kat Bjelland, partly she wanted to record the heaviest, most noisy record by a girl-fronted band. You could say she wasn’t honest cause she tried to impress people from that scene and be cool enough for them. Well, Courtney actually admitted later she wanted to prove her worth, impress people from that scene etc. That’s why the record is so noisy. But the lyrics aren’t fake. That kind of writing was consistent in her poems. She took those themes from her experiences, people she knew and situations she observed as a girl in a stripping business.

I don’t know how can anyone even judge if Live Through This era was fake or not, recording wise she competed with her husband and wanted a more polished record. But later in 1994 or 1995 she was a wreck, numbed with heroin after what happened. It’s really fucking hard to „fake a persona” when you’re a) mourning b) on heroin/oxy. What’s there to fake? Wearing skirts, missing Kurt or being on drugs? That’s fucking disrespectful to say that was „fake”.

Now a lot of people say she sucked after Celebrity Skin, but the truth is Celebrity Skin was probably her most real album/era soundwise. And I don’t even like this album that much. It was inspired by new wave/more poppy rock bands she loved and Courtney was actually satisfied with how it sounds. It was just a good time to her – she quit drugs, she had a successful album and tour, she was nominated for Golden Globe in 1996, she looked genuinely happy and glowing. People were mad cause she changed style – i think she changed style because of her acting career, to continue acting she probably wanted more polished look. But was it always that polished? She would hang out her tits onstage or dress as that „trash fairy” in 1999, so I’d say this glittery look was also partly ironic. And people saying she’s fake cause she chose acting career seem to forget she originally wanted to be an actress, she played in Sid and Nancy & Straight To Hell in 80’s.

People who say „oh she’s a fame whore” – well it’s not like she was ever hiding she likes/she always wanted fame. She wrote she likes fame because it’s challenging, because she gets off on it, etc.

I have mixed feelings about her designer clothes and red carpet looks and at times it seems fake to me too, cause red carpet is usually fake and embarrassing. It’s quite a contrast to her older punk & kinderwhore style. But people change with age anyway… Brody Dalle doesn’t look especially punk anymore, Kat Bjelland doesn’t wear dolly clothes. Emilie Autumn looks like a fucking christian grandma, sorry. Courtney Love likes designer clothes. *shrug*

However Courtney Love’s character and behaviour is consistent throughout the years, she talks the same as always. She doesn’t craft a new personality every few years like EA and she doesn;t erase her past like EA. She doesn’t milk her fans making overpriced shitty merch. It’s true it’s been a lot of years since she last released a CD, but she’s been releasing singles and touring A LOT during this decade, also engaging in fashion design and art. Emilie Autumn sits at home and makes stupid faces at her iPhone, produces more merch and doesn’t make/post music/play violin anymore.

The only thing I don’t like about her is how she can’t play guitar anymore. She used to know how to play guitar, you can watch any 1990-1995 show to see she knew how to play guitar. In CS era she would sing without guitar more, but she still could play. But after 2010 her abilities decreased a lot, someone leaked a sound of her live guitar and it turned out her playing became really… weak. She said after her cocaine use she lost ability to play and didn’t even know how to move her fingers, that she was learning playing all over again in rehab. Idk if something happened to her hands or if she’s just too lazy these days. It would improve if she just practiced everyday. Of course if you don’t practice you’ll get worse – i know it well cause i had a few years without playing guitar too. But it’s not like it’s impossible to improve. Other than that… yeah, i’m not really crazy about her designer clothes and event looks. I don’t like things like that. But she likes it, so why shouldn’t she go with that.

Courtney can be nice, can be mean, but she never flipped shit the same as Emilie Autumn. She likes fame but she knows where she fucks up while Emilie most of the time thinks she’s more famous than she is and is so full of herself. Courtney Love knows she’s not the greatest guitarist and singer, while Emilie thinks of herself as „virtuoso” and shades every other violinist in rock music (and violists), while in fact she is the epitome of „failed violinist”. She played music for easily impressionable fans who knew nothing about classical music, so it was easy for her to impress them with her fake violin playing with violin playback coming straight from the tape. It takes to be a high level of being a snowflake to claim you’re a virtuoso when in reality you never play live and if you do you play only scales, making beginner mistakes and being mediocre at most.

Emilie Autumn always presented everything about herself to be true and personal, people believed her and literally praised her for that, feeling connection with her because they had bipolar disorder or stayed at psychiatric hospital, or lost family in a fire for real… And then it turned out all of Emilie Autumn’s life was a lie. She was hiding a real bitch under the guise of this cool „virtuoso” goth bipolar girl Emilie Autumn. Every year brought some new drama, she was less and less credible. She behaved awfully and treated her fandom like shit repeatedly. I don’t know, i got interested in her at some point but i can’t stand her now & i don’t keep up with her stuff anymore (although i read on her latest blm drama), why bother yourself with someone who doesn’t respect anyone. You can dislike Courtney Love and i understand it, but I don’t see how she could be comparable to EA’s shit.

As for „idealized identities”… you realize that Courtney was on drugs most of her career? She would fuck up so much, getting ridiculed by the press and regular people. She would often embarrass herself unintentionally, she would often end up all smeared and tousled in a way that wasn’t planned as a „kinderwhore look for the evening”. Getting fat, getting horribly thin, sometimes looking nice but often looking what society perceives as ugly. People hated her and they still do. Her life was a mess at various points of her life and she was judged harshly… if that idealized version to you? People might preffer her kinderwhore days but when i look at it now, she had better days but some certain looks from early 90’s sometimes only highlighted how bad she felt at the time. Her most „ideal” version was 1996 and Celebrity Skin look, up to 2000 i’d say, she would wear nice clothes, brush her hair, add glitter, looking glam – as i said, she quit drugs in 1996 to be able to play in movies, i believe she wanted her life to change for the better, to try to be happier, to look nicer and cleaner and to set an example for her daughter. I think it’s awesome that she manager to get better, i wish i could change my life. Unfortunately in 2003 she went downhill again, this time it was in some days even worse cause she got into cocaine and something else, her album was a flop (interestingly, there was another, rockier version of American’s Sweetheart but Virgin Records told her to rerecord everything and put out worse songs), she would end up in court, she would lose the custody of Frances and had to go through drug tests and rehabs. She had ED i think, she gained a lot of weight at the time then went to stick thin. It was dragging on and you know how it went later, she was better and worse moments, still doing prescription drugs on and off, flopping with new version of Hole. I haven’t checked what she’s doing these days and kind of lost track but i think she’s so much better now and successful, she’s got fans wanting to see her live, she reunited with Hole members and she released a few solo singles that were actually fucking awesome (Courtney don’t be shy, make a new album, you actually write good songs recently). „Idealized identities”, well she’s as idealized as Amy Winehouse, lol.

Courtney is human and makes mistakes all the time, but she doesn’t get offended when someone points them out and acknowledges her mistakes. Emilie Autumn thinks she does nothin wrong, she’s always right and if you don’t like it, fuck you, get outta her house, fucking patronizing fucking. Idk why should i explain it any longer, it’s obvious.

#asks

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