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waitmyturtles · 7 months

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Pain, Trust, and Separation in Some Asian Dramas (The Second Post In a Series of Utterly Un-scholastic, Highly Personal Big Meta)......

AKA, Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: The Bad Buddy Rewatch Edition, Part 2 -- How Themes of Pain, Trust, and Separation Create Structure and Narrative in Bad Buddy and Other Asian BLs

[The following is a preamble I use for my Old GMMTV Challenge posts, here we go! What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far.Today, I offer the second of four posts on Bad Buddy, and the second in a Big Meta series on pain in some Asian dramas, including QLs and/or het romances. I'll look today at how ideas of pain in love, trust in love, and separation of partners/family members creates narrative drive in Bad Buddy and other Asian BLs. THIS IS A LONG POST, caveat emptor.]

Links to the BBS OGMMTVC Meta Series are here: part 1, part 2, part 3a, part 3b, and part 4

Well, after a lot of titles and a chewy preamble (thank you for getting through that, y'all!), I'm here to say that I'm combining my two ongoing meta series into one big ol' post here that I've been dying to write for months. In the course of my watching the shows on the Thailand-based Old GMMTV Challenge watchlist, as well as watching shows from my BL gateway of Japan, I've noticed that the themes of pain and trust in love, along with voluntary or involuntary separation, have been used to create dramatic and narrative structure within Asian dramatic stories to many emotional effects.

I'm celebrating the incredible Thai BL drama that is Bad Buddy in my OGMMTVC series at the moment, and within my Big Meta series on pain in Asian dramas, I examine how themes of pain so very often harken back to artistic, and even traditional, viewpoints of how pain, suffering, and melancholy are natural cultural assumptions within many collectivist Asian societies. In my first Big Meta on pain and suffering in Asian dramas, I wrote that "accepting pain and suffering is a part of the life we decide to live, from an Asian cultural perspective." Suffering is a naturally assumed part of life, a very distinct and identified part of a Buddhist's lived life, and even outside of Buddhism, accepting and living with difficulties of all kinds -- wealth disparities, the struggle for a good education and/or a successful career, the struggle to conform to collectivist familial and/or social expectations, etc. -- are extremely common themes that are unwound on in Asian lives on a minute-to-minute basis. The idea that an Asian must live with pain is often a root of intergenerational trauma, passed along from generation to generation of Asian children-to-adults. The social mores by which Asians are raised and live, to assume what Westerners might call a lack of unconditional parental love and affection, are certainly in part rooted in an assumption that living with pain and without the, say, luxury of turning over one's emotions at any given moment, are an automatic given.

As I've plodded through the OGMMTVC watchlist, I noticed very often that separation of people -- whether those people are lovers, children/parents, or simply just adults within a group -- is often a major narrative turning point in the course of a dramatized relationship. Of course it would be; it's a common trope within the romance genre, for instance.

But I find the separation of people otherwise connected to each other -- and the assumed pain of that separation, and the trust that people may have to return to each other -- particularly fascinating within the realm of Asian dramas, for reasons relating to the assumption of pain and suffering in one's life within Asian cultures that I mentioned above. In other words, the pain of separation, and the trust that one might have that one person will come back to another person -- are givens within the scope of Asian life.

In the following dramas, I note that separation is either a central storytelling point, or is a central focus of side characters:

1) The Thai filmmaker, Aof Noppharnach, has explored separation of people/lovers in many of his shows, including Still 2gether, A Tale of Thousand Stars (in multiple forms), and in Bad Buddy (also in multiple forms, romantic and/or familial).

2) Also from Thailand, Until We Meet Again and I Promised You The Moon are two non-GMMTV dramas in which separation of lovers plays an important concluding narrative role.

3) From Japan, the movie version of Cherry Magic: 30 Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard?! captures an important central narrative of separation that leads the franchise's two protagonists, Adachi and Kurosawa, to explore depth in honesty and intimacy that they may not have otherwise achieved in their everyday lives.

The painful separation that occurs in Aof Noppharnach's shows is most often related to the outside forces of life as it needs to be lived -- very often economically -- within or external to Thailand. In Bad Buddy, Pran leaves for Singapore for two years. I'm going to unwind much more on Pran leaving for Singapore in the final installment of my Bad Buddy OGMMTVC meta series, particularly by way of how he can do it, emotionally. But I want to offer a quick note about Pran's departure that the show gives a hint to (despite the pain that we feel in our hearts for Pat's loneliness from Pran, as depicted so beautifully by Ohm Pawat and his silent and longing existence as Pat in the first half of the Bad Buddy series finale). The BBS finale has Pran stating that he'll only be away for two years, and that the pay and the opportunity for an excellent architecture job were better in Singapore. In conversation with the fabulous Thai blogger, @recentadultburnout, RAB mentioned that this is a common occurrence among young Thais -- to move overseas for better job opportunities.

In spite of my heart breaking a bit for Pran being away from Pat when I first learned about his leaving for Singapore -- when RAB put Pran's departure in that context, I had to slap my cheek a bit. Because! I'm a child of Asian immigrants. Separation from family for better economic opportunities is a HUGE part of our paradigm of life between continents. As my Asia-based uncle, my mother's brother, once put it, in regards to my mother: "one of the children in our families always had to move away." For my mother's family, it was my mom who shipped off. Besides individuals seeking better economic opportunities for themselves, the economies of many Asian countries are dependent on the reception of remittances from overseas family members sending money back to their home countries, as my mom did for years; the Philippines is particularly notable for having a nearly 9% contribution from overseas remittances to its gross domestic product. In other words? The separation of loved ones is literally built into the financial frameworks of many Asian nations.

The separation of children or partners to overseas locales for the sake of better salaries and/or opportunities is simply a more assumed part of the cultural paradigm, I'd argue, in Asia than in the West. Family separations for jobs are extremely common in Asia; in the West, I'm not sure they are as assumed, especially for extensive separations, as the value placed on keeping a family unit together for cultural or spiritual reasons seems to be more a part of the Western fabric of life (despite our high rate of divorce).

We see an even more permanent economic separation happen in Still 2gether between two side characters -- Type, played by Toptap Jirakit, who is Tine's (Win Metawin) brother, and Man (Mike Chinnarat), who is Sarawat's (Bright Vachiwarit) friend. Man chased after Type during the first 2gether season; in Still 2gether, they're navigating their committed relationship, as Type contemplates, then accepts, a permanent job offer in Phuket, hours away from their home base in Bangkok.

As @lurkingshan put it, I might be the only person on the planet contemplating Type's and Man's relationship (lmao, it do be true), but I found Type's last conversation with Man, on the beach, to be particularly direct and moving for someone who has no immediate plans to move back to the side of the person he's dating.

I think about this scene against the structure of the short series that is Still 2gether, which is centered around the protagonists of Sarawat and Tine being temporarily separated as they prepare to compete in a university-wide tournament. Sarawat has the most lovely contemplation on love during this separation, and even Aof Noppharnach himself admits that the glance that Sarawat and Tine give to each other as they pass each other in the lead-up to the ultimate tournament is his favorite scene he's ever filmed (!!!) (and that scene is sooooo reminiscent of Pran's and Pat's pinky-hold after their public "break-up").

In other words: Still 2gether is ALL about separation, and contemplating the strength of love relationships in the face of those separations. While Sarawat and Tine will get back together, after that tournament -- Type and Man are separated for the foreseeable future. There is no end indicated to the patience that Type wants from Man. The conversation is just, THERE, and hanging -- there's an acknowledgment that long-distance relationships are tough, but Type isn't offering to quit his job and move back to Bangkok. Instead, Type and Man are left to accept the reality that there is no end in sight to their separation.

And I think this was incredibly bold of Aof Noppharnach to include in a GMMTV BL that otherwise ended happily for Tine and Sarawat, the main protagonists. What I admire about Aof's works are these sly inclusions of open-ended, sometimes melancholy non-resolutions, either for his main or his support characters, that leave us as viewers often slightly unsatisfied or unfulfilled. He did this in particular with the character of Aof in Gay OK Bangkok, a web series that he screenwrote in 2016; and many might say that Pran being away in Singapore is also not the most satisfying of endings for our beloved PatPran in Bad Buddy. To me, these decisions to do this artistically are just incredibly reminiscent, again, of the kind of pain that we as Asians have been culturally attuned to accept, for the sake of economics, and/or for the sake of the betterment of our loved ones.

Besides economic separations in Aof Noppharnach's works, we also have separations related to family demands and desires. In A Tale of Thousand Stars and Our Skyy 2 x A Tale of Thousand Stars, we see Tian leaving Phupha's side for two years to study for a graduate degree at Tian's mom's insistence; and we see Phupha refusing to join Tian, after Tian has graduated and moved back to Pha Pun Dao, on trips Tian takes back to Bangkok to celebrate his birthday with his parents.

When I rewatched ATOTS earlier this year, I noted that both Phupha and Tian were remarkably bad communicators throughout the original series -- and I posited that, in large part, their terrible communication was borne out by way of the both of them being raised in traditionally masculine Asian households that seemed to not allow for leeway regarding emotional revelations. BOTH Phupha and Tian were expected and intended to follow in the footsteps and demands of their family members. To the end of the ATOTS storyline in Our Skyy 2, Phupha brings up his parents -- and he hears what he has been wanting to confirm from Tian's parents, in their desire to have Phupha take care of Tian for the rest of their lives.

Phupha in particular needed to have multiple gateways opened to him, vis à vis Tian's family, in order to properly and openly confirm his permanent love and commitment to Tian. If Phupha didn't have that? He was willing to be separated from Tian, either temporarily, or at length. Phupha needed a kind of culturally accepting door opened to him -- as a man raised in what we assume to be a rural and traditional environment that may very well have not allowed for a gay man to live openly and honestly. Phupha indeed follows in his father's footsteps, to the extent of never leaving Pha Pun Dao, and demanded that he have Tian's family's approval before making the final commitment to Tian to love Tian forever.

I find the cultural nuances of nuclear family separation, or separation encouraged by nuclear family, to be particularly heartbreaking in many of Aof Noppharnach's works. We know that Jim and Jam, brother and sister in Moonlight Chicken, ran away from their Isan hometown as youths to find their lives in Pattaya, where we meet them in the context of that show. But separation either from nuclear family, or more impactfully, done by nuclear family, is most evident in Bad Buddy.

Besides Pran voluntarily leaving for Singapore, we know that Pran has been involuntarily separated from Pat before -- when Pran was transferred to a boarding school in 10th grade by his mother, Dissaya. Before that transfer, Pran and Pat were technically "separated" by their parents in so far as they were not supposed to become friends -- all while competing heavily against each other in every category of life.

That boarding school transfer? That wasn't just separating Pran from Pat. What I found remarkable about that separation during my recent BBS rewatches is that Dissaya HERSELF chose to be physically separated from her own son, for the sake of her rivalry with Pat's father, Ming.

I'm thinking about this particularly from the words she used with Pran as they sat at breakfast together before Pran started his second year at university, when Dissaya said that Pran could date anyone, men or women, as long as he "didn't date [the next door kid]."

My interpretation of that perspective is that Dissaya did not want Pran to relieve the heartbreak that she herself experienced when she was close with Ming in her teenage years.

In other words: she chose to send her son away in the face of her ongoing, lifelong fear that Ming and his family would once again wreak havoc on her and her clan.

In the continuation of the intergenerational trauma wrought upon Pat and Pran by their parents -- as a mother myself, this seems to be particularly egregious. Dissaya would have rather had her son AWAY FROM HER, than to contemplate her son even being WITHIN physical proximity to Pat in the context of her hatred of Pat's father, Ming, and the fear that she had that the Jindapats would negatively influence the Siridechawats again.

(The wonderful @telomeke reminded me, in conversation on this topic, that the first question Dissaya asks Pran, after learning about the first faculty fight in episode 1 when Pran re-encounters Pat for the very first time, was, "Did he hurt you, Pran?" Dissaya cannot bear to allow the Jindapats to hurt her son, or her family, ever again.)

I wrote in my first Big Meta on pain and suffering that Asian parenting expectations and mores are far more conditional than they are in the West, as parenting mores in the West are centered around unquestioned and unconditional love from parents to children. So much of Bad Buddy meta out there focuses on the internal experiences of Pran and Pat. When I sat back to think about Dissaya making the decision for herself to be separated from her son for years -- and then to also contemplate pulling Pran FROM COLLEGE when she learns that Pat goes to Pran's university -- I mean. We know Dissaya and Ming both tried their best to embody their hatred of each other into their children. But Dissaya takes it a couple steps further, by attempting to literally control Pran's physical existence vis à vis Pat, which -- and I'm going to sound like a judgmental Westerner here, even as an Asian -- strikes me as out of line by way of just pure emotional projection onto one's children.

When Pran goes to Singapore, at the end of the series, it's out of his own volition. Again, I'll write more about this at the end of my BBS OGMMTVC meta series. But what he experienced by ways of many TYPES of separation from Pat throughout his life -- competitively, emotionally, and then physically -- are extensive. He was physically separated from Pat by Dissaya. He was theoretically "separated" from Pat emotionally, by being discouraged in having a friendship with Pat. He is physically separated from Pat *again* when he goes to Singapore. And I posit later in this piece that Pat and Pran had another theoretical "separation" when they are pretending to be broken up throughout the course of their relationship.

When I think about what teenage Pran must have felt to be *physically sent away* -- BY and FROM his own family, for their sake of his family's desires to avoid ANOTHER family -- it explains a hell of a lot more about Pran's tendency to dissociate, particularly during stressful times. (We see this when he's alone at the demolished bus stop, and cutely in Our Skyy 2, as Pat encourages a grumpy Pran to go to Pha Pun Dao.)

And where Pat balanced Pran out -- where Pat could offer the kind of companionship, and relaxed and equitable communication that Pran had never had with his family -- was where Pran could finally experience truly open and SAFE love from and with another person, another person who wouldn't *send him away* if Pran didn't play by their rules. Instead, Pat fought by Pran's side, and Pran was willing to fight, too, and they remained together, and safe in their love and trust.

Whew. Dissaya separating Pran from his own family, from herself -- to leave him alone at boarding school -- seriously punches me in the gut, especially as a mother myself. I'm thinking about a teenager, on the cusp of adulthood, alone to contemplate his unending love for Pat, and I'm like.... I wouldn't leave a kid alone like that for a moment. But for Dissaya, her husband, and their pride? It seemed to be a worthwhile decision in that moment. A decision that we know would blow up in their faces in episode 10 of Bad Buddy.

In Pran's first separation from Pat -- Pran did not have personal agency. He did have agency later on, as he moved to Singapore, which again, I'll contemplate in a further meta.

Two instances where I was impressed by protagonists leveraging their agency vis à vis temporary separations from their partners was in Until We Meet Again and in I Promised You The Moon.

UWMA's Pharm was first and foremost presented as a blushing maiden. HOWEVER: Pharm demonstrated quite a bit of sexual agency early in the series. He was forward in his crush on Dean. He contemplated openly being gay. And he wasn't afraid to push Dean away when Dean was moving too fast sexually.

At the end of the series, after Dean and Pharm have resolved their spiritual connection vis à vis the embodied spirits of Korn and Intouch meeting once more -- Pharm wants to know if the love between him and Dean is real, and independent of the influence of the spirits of Korn and Intouch. So: Pharm asks for a break.

Throughout UWMA, Dean is the obvious seme, and Pharm is the blushing uke. I squealed in DELIGHT when I first watched Pharm asking for the break. Yes, Pharm loved Dean -- and what I saw in Pharm's asking for a temporary separation was truly out of that love, to confirm between the both of them that their relationship was very much indeed a forever relationship. God, I get chills thinking about it: Pharm was safe enough in his sphere with Dean to ask for and to GET the agency-driven space that HE NEEDED to feel fully confident in the relationship. That was a risky move that paid off for the two guys in dividends in the end. Dean had no choice but to say yes there.

The fabulous Oh-aew in I Promised You The Moon goes even further than Pharm. He fucking breaks up with Teh! After Teh cheated on Oh-aew! YES, HOMEY, YES! No wibbling on Oh-aew's end. Oh-aew was devastated, yes. But he knew he had to have Teh out of his life in that moment, for the sake of Oh-aew's own happiness, growth, and development. He even rejects Teh's reach-out at the end of their college careers.

What stuck me as so golden about the ending of IPYTM was that that break-up wasn't actually presented as temporary. They were apart for OVER A YEAR (thank you kindly to @shortpplfedup for the temporal fact-check!). Oh-aew held his ground. He needed his time and space. He needed to grow! And he valued that, individually.

I'm celebrating these two instances of agency-driven separations because of the style of their intention vis à vis the protagonists asking for, needing, and leveraging these separations. With the economic and involuntary separations I talked about earlier -- it's like there was a higher need, whether it was for money, a better career opportunity, fear, or selfishness on the part of a family to create the separation.

With Pharm and Oh-aew: the separations they demanded were purely personal and for their own growth. We know now that Pharm and Oh-aew get their endings with their partners. Pharm has a purely happy ending with Dean in Between Us. Oh-aew's ending with Teh is open-ended -- we don't know what chaos Teh will wreak next -- but at least we know they're navigating that chaos together again.

The last drama I wanted to take a look at regarding pain, trust, and separation is the fabulous movie continuation of Cherry Magic: 30 Years of Virginity Will Make You a Wizard?! (I always love writing ?! whenever I talk about Cherry Magic, lol).

The central separation in the movie of the two protagonists, Adachi and Kurosawa, comes about when Adachi is transferred to Nagasaki for work. As @neuroticbookworm and @lurkingshan can attest to: a Western viewer of Japanese BLs will often find themselves screaming to a screen, "JUST TALK ALREADY!," and a uniquely common aspect of Japanese doramas is that so much of communication in Japanese culture is silent, unsaid, kept internal by collectivist social pressures to not make waves with another person -- which automatically creates ongoing questions of trust between partners. When Adachi (Akaso Eiji) shares with Kurosawa (Machida Keita) that Adachi will be moving, Kurosawa shares in words that he's happy for Adachi, but through very simple body language, communicates that he is feeling otherwise.

Later in the movie, Adachi gets into an accident in Nagasaki, and Kurosawa rushes to be by Adachi's side. Kurosawa is clearly traumatized. And Kurosawa finally reveals his feelings about the entire situation -- a rare display of direct emotional confession.

We think that Adachi moved to Nagasaki for this job opportunity -- separating himself from the incredibly devoted and head-over-heels-in-love-with-Adachi Kurosawa. Adachi knows well enough that Kurosawa is suffering in this separation. But later in the movie, after Adachi has moved back with Kurosawa, do we learn Adachi's true intentions. Adachi wants to make himself invaluable at work -- so that Adachi's and Kurosawa's shared company will not separate them if the company finds out about their relationship.

This particular conversation between Adachi and Kurosawa -- after their separation, after they've moved in together -- is a huge turning point in the movie for Adachi, who had usually been the reluctant uke in their relationship prior to this moment. In this conversation, Adachi expresses his fear that outside forces will eventually separate them, and he wants to do what he can to ensure the safety of their relationship.

To me, this is incredibly reminiscent of the compromises Pran and Pat make in Bad Buddy to keep their relationship secret -- another theoretical "separation" -- from their parents for the health, safety, and viability of their relationship.

As well, this conversation between Adachi and Kurosawa moves forward into Adachi's desire to come out to their families. He was inspired by the immediate aftermath of the accident, in which Kurosawa was the last person to find out that Adachi had gotten hurt -- only after Adachi's family and company were notified.

The nuances of this separation between Adachi and Kurosawa -- and what the separation LED TO, which was an eventual and permanent commitment between Adachi and Kurosawa -- are incredibly layered. Adachi made an economic separation from Kurosawa. But it was also rooted in his desire to acclimate his company to his company's dependence on Adachi, so that the company would choose Adachi's contribution to the company over the potentially taboo reality of his same-sex relationship with a colleague in Kurosawa. In other words: he wanted to leverage the separation and his work performance upon his return, to render the company no choice in choosing Adachi's economic performance over his personal and private choices.

(One insight into Japanese culture is that for decades, Japanese corporations have wanted their employees to be married, to complete a seamless connection between household and "office" families. The Japanese BL Kinou Nani Tabeta?/What Did You Eat Yesterday? makes reference to the fact that the main protagonist, Shiro, becomes an independent lawyer because, as a gay man, he may have been pressured to take a wife in another, more group-oriented corporate setting.)

AND, following this, Adachi wanted to come out to his and Kurosawa's families, to also acclimate them to their relationship, so that their families would also not threaten the sanctity and safety of their relationship. And his gamble worked -- and their families accepted them, and they were able to make a permanent commitment to each other.

Without a strategically economic separation, Adachi and Kurosawa could not have achieved key moments of communication that led to their ability to find safety in their external environments, and make a personal and private permanent commitment to each other. The separation to Nagasaki was Adachi's lever to move their relationship forward.

It's so nuanced, so layered, and so strategic on Adachi's end, to use the work separation and his commitment to his company as such a motivator to propel his relationship forward and permanently with Kurosawa -- especially vis à vis the unique nuances of spoken and unspoken communication in Japanese society, which are remarkably different than the styles of communication we see in Thai dramas.

In Pran's and Pat's conclusion in the Thailand of Bad Buddy, they go in the opposite direction: for the sanctity and safety of their relationship, they act out a break-up scenario (with Dissaya telling Pran, "come back to your family," ha), and keep their committed relationship a secret. And this happens *two years* before the context of an actual, physical separation when Pran decides to move to Singapore after graduation.

It's a bit of a switcheroo from what we'd expect by way of open vs. closed communication between Japan and Thailand. But both scenarios, from Cherry Magic to Bad Buddy, work brilliantly well to ensure that all relationships are safe and solidified.

I'm not sure that I can say, globally, that separation from one's nuclear family, or separation from a partner, are common occurrences in manifested everyday reality. As I mentioned before, the economies of many countries are dependent on the physical separation of their citizens to other locales to send back monetary remittances. But more often than not -- when partners are partnered, they tend to want to stay by each other's sides.

I love that many Asian dramas do not shy away from the many realities as to why partners or children may be voluntarily or involuntarily separated from loved ones. Our beloved dramas show us the devastation of involuntary separations, as rendered by Dissaya unto Pran. We see that economic separations can actually LEAD to a solidifying of relationships in the case of Adachi and Kurosawa. We see that family-motivated separations, in the cause of Phupha and Tian, simply needed the investment of time for their relationship to reach a point of comfortable commitment. We see that agency-driven separations by Pharm and Oh-aew can lead to emotional clarity. And, we see that theoretical, secret-kept "separations," of the kind that Pat and Pran created for themselves, to protect their relationship, were risks worth taking, simply for them to be together and happy.

Pain and happiness are not emotions independent of each other. At least in the eyes of my Asian cultures, human beings embody all emotions, all the time. Humans are certainly primed, internally and socially, to seek happiness and balance. But as I've posited here in this post -- is there pleasure without pain? The pain of separation, the trust that partners and family members can learn from each other through separation, and the lessons and communicative ability to solidify relationships after the obstacles of separation, are all themes of life that, I think, are worth unwinding on, in glorious emotional detail. And I love that our beloved Asian dramas do not shy away from these examinations.

(Tagging @dribs-and-drabbles and @solitaryandwandering by request! If you'd like to be tagged, please let me know!)

[Well, this one was a doozy -- if you got through it all, I thank you! Next up, next week, is another post I've been dying to write for months. I had the opportunity to engage in lengthy conversation with a number of FABULOUS Asian Tumblr bloggers, all of us Bad Buddy stans, to reflect on our experiences as Asian reviewers watching BBS and to talk about what we related to. I have a list, a WHOLE LIST! of themes to expound on. I'm calling it Asian Cultural Touchpoints Within Bad Buddy. And I may need to split it into two posts, because there's a lot to talk about. Join me and my friends next week in our continued Bad Buddy brain-rot sesh!

Here is the status of the Old GMMTV Challenge watchlist. Tumblr's web editor loves to jack with this list; please head on over to this link for the very latest updates!

1) The Love of Siam (2007) (movie) (review here) 2) My Bromance (2014) (movie) (review here) 3) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 4) Gay OK Bangkok Season 1 (2016) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 5) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 6) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 7) Gay OK Bangkok Season 2 (2017) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 8) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 9) Together With Me (2017) (review here) 10) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 11) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 12) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 13) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 14) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 15) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 16) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (OffGun BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (no review) 17) Theory of Love (2019) (review here) 18) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (a non-BL and an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content in non-BLs) (review here) 19) Dew the Movie (2019) (review here) 20) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) (review here) (and notes on my UWMA rewatch here) 21) 2gether (2020) and Still 2gether (2020) (review here) 22) I Told Sunset About You (2020) (review here) 23) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) (review here) 24) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (not a true BL, but a MaxTul queer/gay romance set within a genre-based show that likely influenced Not Me and KinnPorsche) (review here) 25) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 26) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (re-review here) 27) Lovely Writer (2021) (review here) 28) Last Twilight in Phuket (2021) (the mini-special before IPYTM) (review here) 29) I Promised You the Moon (2021) (review here) 30) Not Me (2021-2022) (review here) 31) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 32) 55:15 Never Too Late (2021-2022) (not a BL, but a GMMTV drama that features a macro BL storyline about shipper culture and the BL industry) (review here) 33) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch (The BBS OGMMTVC Meta Series is ongoing: preamble here, part 1 here, and more reviews to come) 34) Secret Crush On You (2022) [watching for Cheewin’s trajectory of studying queer joy from Make It Right (high school), to SCOY (college), to Bed Friend (working adults)] (watching) 35) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here) 36) KinnPorsche (2022) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For the Sake of Re-Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist 37) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 38) The Eclipse OGMMTVC Rewatch For the Sake of Re-Analyzing an Politics-Focused Show After Not Me 39) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL) 40) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023) 41) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 42) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) 43) Be My Favorite (2023) (tag here) 44) Wedding Plan (2023) 45) Only Friends (2023) (tag here)]

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rocketturtle4 · 11 months

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To Sir With Love, a Reflection

What is Love and What is Duty?

MAJOR SPOILERS

ALSO TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR SUICIDE (briefly mentioned)

The way family love is framed in this show, sparked a lot of reflection and made me realise how un-nuanced some of my thoughts about love have been. (This also made me realise how engaging I find generational family trauma in stories like this so thanks @lurkingshan for answering all my questions).

(This post follows the journey of my thinking so it’s a bit choppy, skip to Duty vs Devotion Vs Love if you want the outcomes bit)

During my initial thoughts about this show I stumbled across @waitmyturtles big meta on: Pain, Suffering, and Narratives in Some Asian Dramas/BLs and it definitely impacted my thinking so go read that.

What struck me as particularly odd (on a personal level) was the idea that western parents are conditioned to love their children. Turtles uses these phrases as examples of a common Western Experience

“There is NO WAY your parents don’t love you.”

“There is NO WAY your parents will ever give up on you. Even if they treat you badly, they love you.”

“In the West, we ALWAYS end up loving our children. That’s what society demands of PARENTS. We’re CONDITIONED to be like that.”

And uh What? *checks own brain* that doesn’t seem right fitted to my experience? (I come back to this at the end, promise)

Now, the point that Turtles goes onto make about Asian family structures is deeply meaningful and poignant (Summarised very briefly, by her, as:

“The equation is: even if you suffer at the hands of your parents, even if you don’t receive unconditional love and empathy from your parents, you must sacrifice in order to respect and serve your parents”)

GO READ IT IT’S BEAUTIFULLY MOVING AND IMPORTANT

However, part of the reason I feel this is relevant is because I DID NOT assume that Tian’s parents (Or Yang’s parents for that matter) loved him going into this show.

I am not quite sure where my own frame of thinking, (of parental love is not an automatic assumption) comes from, now that I know this isn’t standard, I’ll be looking into it further, but I felt it was important to start with this frame because I’ll be talking about the way this drama reshaped my thoughts on love, especially familial love, thus my starting point seems important.

Prior to about episode 14/15 I would have argued that neither of Tian’s parents loved him, they only loved the idea of him. (A literally line I thought to myself as I watched)

Li’s (Tian's mum) arc was the most impactful so I just want to give a quick rundown of the stages I went through and then I will be talking to some of these stages, with reference to Li (Mum), Song (Dad), Yang (brother) Chan (Wife 2, Yang's Mum), and Bua (Wife 3):

Stage 1 (most of the series): She (Li) doesn’t love her son, her love died when she realised he was a homosexual and everything since then has been about his conformity and power for herself.

Stage 2 WHAT, Maybe she does love her son

Stage 3 OH she definitely loves her son (SO WHYYY?)

Stage 4 Maybe she loves his son despite him being gay, rather than accepting him as a whole?

Stage 5 No she doesn’t even seem that specifically hung up on the homosexual, just his safetly

WAIT

Stage 6 Was all this…protective did she actually love him the whole time??? WHAT THE FUCK

Thus reflection:

Stage 1 (some initial thoughts)

Turns out my view on love is (or was?) rather black and white: to love someone & to hurt that person knowingly and intentionally were two concepts I viewed as mutually exclusive: Li hurt her son both physically and mentally on a regular basis and so from my initial standpoint she could not love him. (very unnuanced) (for the record, I'm not saying love and hurt are mutually exclusive (lol) but that I thought love and ongoing intentional hurt were)

In some ways I believed (emphasis on past tense) Song's love for Tian was greater than Li’s but that his love was also false due to a lack of knowledge.

Yang is the bestest bro but we’ll get back to him

Question: Did I really believe that all the actions Li took to protect Tian’s secret were not born out of love while she actively murdered people? Yeah kind of.

I had ascribed her a very similar motivation I ascribed to Chan: She wished to remain as the first wife and retain power and thus needed her son as the next head, discovery of his secret would end this possibility, so it must be kept secret at all cost.

I did not even ascribe her fear for her son’s death as a possible motivation which retrospectively seems very odd. My bias towards Li as unloving is why I had the whole opening section of this post.

Stage 2-4

I think part of the change in my thinking began not with Li’s actions towards Tian, but with Li’s interactions with Song midway through the show.

Song knows of Tian’s secret (but not what it is) and implores Li to tell him (and implores Tian to tell him but that’s not discussed here even if it was at that moment, I decided I hated him) and it is very clear that Li, really WANTS to tell him,

She wants to preserve their marriage.

She wants to give back the honesty he’s asking for,

BUT she never even considers actually doing so because to do so would condemn her son.

That she sacrifices her relationship with her husband to protect her son’s secret was the first rock to really put a dent in my un-nuanced take on her characters motivation.

A lot of things happen from here, but Li throwing herself in front of the police officers and begging them to take her instead was definitely the final straw that shattered my perceptions.

But hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself

Stage 5

The societal and familial homophobia woven through this story and most strongly represented by Song is also a key part of this reflection.

The fact that Song grieves his brothers death, grieves for the brother he was closest too, grieves for the breakdown of the five families that they’d built and STILL VIEWS SAID BROTHER AS LESS THAN A MAN FOR BEING A HOMOSEXUAL was feckin INSANE.

But it was also the reality of what I’d been imposing onto Li. This is the kind of (not)love I ascribed to her.

Song didn’t truly love his brother for who he was, only who he knew him to be. And if knowing something fundamental makes you view that person as less, then, in my opinion, you never really loved them in the first place. You don’t love them, you love your own perception of them. You don’t love them, you love the idea of them.

(Look at Song here, reinforcing my black and white thinking, no wonder this show got me all twisted around).

Now Li on the other hand arguably doesn’t believe that being a homosexual makes her son automatically less.

Does she believe that he needs to supress this part of himself to become head of the families? Yes,

BUT, I would argue that this is more to do with her knowledge that he’ll definitely be unable to inheret due to Songs views (and may be kicked out of the family/die) than any personal belief of his unsuitability.

She views him as competent DESPITE his homosexuality, this is something that is hidden for his safety, more than for making him less of a man.

(I am not saying this is okay, just unpacking the different motivations as I understood them, and given ep 1 she KIND OF HAS A REASON)

I'm also not saying she's not homophobic (There is also her view that he can ‘be fixed’ as seen in her repeated attempts to get him to sleep with a woman in case he realises he likes it. Which is messed up, but again NOT my primary point.)

Stage 6

Turns out she loves him a ton after all:

She throws herself in front of the police

She planned to commit suicide (yes to absolve herself of her wrongs for some religious adjacent nuance I didn’t fully understand as a western viewer but also to ensure that her wrongs didn’t negatively impact her son’s future)

She sacrifices her husbands trust in her (as mentioned earlier)

She would sacrifice who she is in her sons eyes (someone he does love) to secure his ideal future (as she see’s it).

She loves her son and this love comes out in what I have reframed for myself as Devotional love

Duty vs Devotion vs Love

Duty is, I think, what we often see framed as love or love adjacent in the families portrayed in Asian drama’s, at least to Western viewers.

Children are taught they have a duty to their parent’s ABOVE ALL ELSE

Above love

Above self-care

Above other relationships

This is what their parents expect from them.

This is what’s framing their parent’s investment in their lives.

Duty WITHOUT love is, in my opinion, what we see discussed in turtles post with the examples of “Non’s father in Dark Blue Kiss; or Korn’s father in Double Savage; or ESPECIALLY Uea’s mom in Bed Friend”

Do these children love their parents? I have no earthly clue

Do these parent’s love their children? I would say no, but that doesn’t change the fact that as their children they must be DUTIFUL.

Devotion is then the intersection of duty and love, it is love with expectations. My current thinking is that many child-parent relationships in Asian dramas, especially child to parent, fall firmly into this category. How much emphasis is placed on duty over love seems to link with how damaging that relationship can be.

Li’s love for her son falls into this category, her love is for her son but her duty is for his future position and safety and this is of highest value to her, higher than her love for who he is.

This is a thread I definitely notice in Asian dramas, she is not duty without love as mentioned above, she is not “rooted in judgement against her offspring” (again from turtles) to the exclusion of all love, but this does colour her raising of him in a way that is significantly traumatising.

I think it is possible that Dad in Khun Chai may have reached this level of judgement if he had discovered his son’s secret (in a less extreme situation) and Li knows this, and so must keep him safe.

Though in the end he sees this too:

Yang & Tian

Now, Devotional love is something I also want to talk about in the context of Yang and Tian because I feel that the kind of love Yang has for Tian is different to the kind of love Bua has for both boys and this is the only way I can articulate how.

It's also important to know that duty often forms a part of a relationship that involves commitment (family or otherwise) so I am not saying devotional love is bad.

Despite Chan's best efforts, Yang grows up devoted to his older brother, we see this COUNTLESS times through the drama, and it was undoubtedly my favourite part.

Yang’s love for Tian is unconditional and certain, his realisation that Tian is gay leads to his desperate search for, and hug of his, brother, because he IMMEDIATELY recognises how hard that must be.

It does not alter how much he loves his brother

It does not make him think of his brother as different or less

If anything it increases his determination to keep his brother safe.

This Protectiveness leads his love further up the scale into Devotion

Yang’s love felt very devotional to me because he loves his brother and acts as if it’s his duty to protect him (despite being younger).

We see this in his taking of punishments for Tian

In how he searches for answers to the murder and then only tells Tian about it after talking to Pin as he initially believes protecting Tian is more important than anything else

(I have not got to talk about Pin, but I would argue Tian’s love becomes less devotional (less lead by duty in the form of protectiveness) as:

He shifts to being the caretaker of Pin as well

Jiu is introduced into Tians life

This combination (especially Pin) leads him to treating Tian with more autonomy.)

A key difference, even at the start of the show between Li and Yang’s devotional loves is the focus of their duty.

Li’s is to Tian’s future

Yang’s is to Tian

Yang's duty to his parents (especially his father) is much less (or at least shown as less important) than his duty to his brother.

Tian

I'm not going to talk about Tian's love

ITS ALL FRICKEN SACRIFICIAL @colourme-feral

Boy needs to care less about his duty.

(Sacrificial = Extreme Duty + Love)

Bua

Bua’s love and acceptance of Tian (and of Yang) felt different to Yang’s love and acceptance of Tian and this a key part of helping me frame the duty vs devotion vs love

To me, Bua is the best example we have of love without duty (or with minimal duty at least), her (literal) separation from the family due to infertility (she lives in a different building) leads to having less stakes in the whole game. She loves the boys, but she does not believe anything is more important that them being themselves. Duty is not part of her relationship with them, and arguably, duty is not part of their relationships with her.

In my opinion, Li tries to instil a sense of duty in Bua’s love when she encourages her adoption of Tian, but it doesn’t really have the desired effect.

Bua loves them, but she also clearly loves Song and we can see (for example in the way Yang never tells her Tian’s secret and she never pressures him), that her care for others does not come with a caveat of duty. (Song pressures her though)

Did she have a duty to Song? to anyone? Would her love have lead her to the belief that Song needed to know? Ugh, honestly I have so many questions about Bua.

Side Note

Obsessional love is something different again which didn’t really feature in this drama but which my current thinking frames as possessive devotional love, (with possessiveness causing corruption maybe? Not sure).

ALSO

I feel like the duty/love scale overlaps with a lot of what we see in the portrayals of marriage on screen where duty is often put first and foremost in a way that often breaks down over time or leads to resentment but I haven’t really thought about this in detail.

What was the point of all this?

I think as westerners a key difference in family culture is the way duty is framed in parent child relationships. Having written all this I can now return to this point:

“In the West, we ALWAYS end up loving our children. That’s what society demands of PARENTS. We’re CONDITIONED to be like that.”

And, while I’m still feeling rather uncertain about the phrasing of this, I do think that societally (in the west) parents have a duty to their child RATHER THAN children having a duty to their parents (in Asian cultures)

That’s what feels the most different to me, and I think often expectation of care (duty) is framed as love, you're expected to care for your children and thus you must love them.

But parents don't necessarily love their children even when they care for them. Doing your duty is not the same as loving,

its still causing me a bit of disconnect, so maybe it’s causing disconnect for other people as well.

I’m not sure how realistic my duty to love scale is, but I wanted to chronicle the ways this show shaped my thinking, in the hopes other shows will change my thinking in new ways.

I am very keen to view other shows on @lurkingshan’s generational trauma challenge and see how my thinking continues to grow.

Also I loved this show like crazy and gave it 94%, equal 10th out of 76 shows. Go watch it if you haven't.

#Khun Chai #To Sir With Love #Rocket4Reviews #rturts is wondering #ADGTC #long post #tw: suicide

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gsirvitor · 1 year

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@blogpostsofvariablequality

How much does it affect them today? The same amount it affects non Europeans at the hands of Europeans, you can fill in the blank.

See, this is why I dislike the umbrella term of white people, sure it's an apt descriptor of a racial group, but it hides the nuance, the complexity of European history, culture and baggage.

The entirety of Eastern Europe has a multi thousand year history of being invaded by Asians and Middle Easterners, from the Turks, to the Huns, to the Ottomans, then there's the Greeks who have beef with the Turks and a history of Persian invasion, the entirety of Mediterranean Europe with the Barbary slave trade, the Mongol invasions, the black death, the Muslim conquests, etc etc, I can go on for hours, and that's not even bringing up the origins of the term Slave, which referred to a certain squating peoples now at war with eachother.

Every group is advantaged and disadvantaged by the modern world, especially in the west, for instance, a black man from Nigeria who moves to America is more often a higher earner than his American counterpart, why? Well it isn't disadvantages built into the system, it's the culture, for the Nigerian man his is a boon while the American's is a drag, why? One is built upon hard work, morals and looking to the future, while the other is dead set on looking at the past and wallowing in it, blaming all failures, not on one's self but on a nebulous bogeyman, the same way the Nazis blamed the Jews.

The same goes for any race, Europeans are outcompeted in their own nations by Asians and Indians, not because they're actually at any disadvantage other than what is self imposed, and that's the crux, those who screech about being perpetually disadvantaged by the "white" man, never work to improve themselves, to create a better future for their descendants, no, they just whine and beg for free handouts, as the Greeks say; "A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."

Your statements mean very little, yes, the world is colonized, it has been colonized since time immemorial, over and over and over again, yes, Europeans did that to themselves, and others did it to them, just as Africans, Asians, Middle Easterners, etc have all done it to themselves and others since time immemorial, same goes for subjugation, slavery, etc.

And no, European colonization, when compared to the conquests of the past, were some of the least violent conquests in history, sure the land area claimed is incomparable, but the savagery, the brutality etc, pales in comparison to even just the Mongols and Huns.

Yes, the plague brought many benefits, such as modern labor movements, improvements in medicine and a new approach to life, much of the Italian Renaissance, even Shakespeare's drama to some extent, is an aftershock of the Black Death. Today its effects can be seen in the resistance to AIDS seen in some European populations.

However, the black death was only a benefit to the descendants of those who survived one of the darkest pages in European history, its consequences were profound. Besides the immeasurable pain and grief, traditional Medieval society was thrown into chaos and turmoil, economies were fractured, the Church lost status, and art and literature took a turn for the gruesome and bizarre, and Europe lost 30-60% of its population.

Ah yes, racism and antisemitism, something about this post has made people act quite racist, from calling for the subjugation of the white race, to comparing me, someone of Jewish descent, to the Nazis, this post has been a magnet for the mentally compromised.

However, I don't expect any critical thinking skills from, as you put it, racist idiots, so I say again, I don't care about the suffering of your ancestors, for you don't care about mine.

Good Day.

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blueepink07 · 10 months

Text

I've seen the collaboration with Milgram drinks and considering that they are specially personalised for each character I decided to find some symbolism in the drink's contents.

Because my last posts had been with Muu, I decided to begin with her. ~🐝

(mentions of suicide, murder! )

Translation: (It was done with some apps so I'm not very sure how good is this translation, but let's hope for the best!)

~Yuzumitsu syrup~🥤(I think it should've been yuzu and honey?)

~Lemon~🍋

~Whipped cream~🍨(the second one looks a little bit like in the photo)

~Honey~🍯

Now let's start!

~Yuzu fruit~

"Yuzu is a citrus fruit that is native to East Asia, specifically China and Japan. It is a cross between a mandarin orange and a pomelo, and is known for its unique flavor and aroma. The fruit is typically small and round, with a thin, bumpy skin that is bright yellow when ripe."

-> "Yuzu has been an important part of East Asian culture for many centuries. In Japan, the fruit has been associated with the aristocracy and the imperial court, and was often presented as a gift to the emperor."

To sum it up, Yuzu is a symbol of wealth and luxury.

This easily links to Muu as she admits that she comes from a rich family and she is often provided with everything she needs in the interrogation questions, but also in voice dramas. Even her second MV in where she is portraited as the queen bee is a good example of her higher status. Funnily enough, to fit the bee theme she is given honey in shape of larvae, which has another similarity with the description below where the emperors received Yuzu as a gift.

->"In Chinese art, yuzu has been depicted in traditional Chinese paintings, particularly those related to nature. Yuzu is depicted as a symbol of longevity and auspiciousness(promising success) ."

Again, because of Muu's higher status, she was meant to have a very successful life, if her murder never happened. She admits having received many model scouting offers due to her natural beauty and her mother's career. Also, a lot of money means that she can pay for her medical needs so, if not for some accidents or some sort, she would probably have lived a long life.

->"People heralded yuzu as a powerful fruit for more than its medicinal properties and its ability to leave your skin silky smooth after a soak. It was also regarded as auspicious due to its bright, sunny color and strong, fresh fragrance. Many believed soaking in a yuzu bath on the Winter Solstice invited health and fortune for the new year. Some even believed the powerful aroma could ward off bad luck and exorcise evil spirits!"

Okay, here a many things that I want to cover up, so I'll make it short.

Medical properties and smooth silky skin can again link to Muu being very healthy and very beautiful. But what I want to point out is the yuzu bath, which is said to ward off bad luck and exorcise evil spirits. Muu often says in her first VD that Rei was a bad person and was the actual cause of her misfortune. This fruit could be a metaphor of her crime, because Muu by murdering Rei (in her pov)she got rid of the source of her bad luck and suffering.

Even the Winter Solstice itself points this out. By the standard definition winter Solstice is marked as "the symbol of death and rebirth of the Sun". Muu is often portraited in yellow colours, so by thinking of her as the sun we can interpret this way: Muu's old bullied self died as soon as she killed Rei and was rebirthed as a more confident person freed of pain.

If Muu were a fruit, I would say that Yuzu will definitely be a perfect choice, so no wonder Milgram chose this fruit for her drink.

~Lemon~

->"The lemon has come to symbolize many — sometimes opposing — ideas, depending on the cultural reference point. Sometimes it is considered a symbol of longevity, purification, love, and friendship, and other times it is seen to be symbolic of bitterness and disappointment. Catholic tradition linked the fruit to fidelity. Because it was imported at great expense to some countries it became a symbol of wealth."

I will not explain again the longevity, purification and wealth part as it will be just me repeating myself. Instead, I will talk about friendship which is an important theme to Muu's character.

I will begin with Muu's views about it, because I think it will be a better introduction.

"Friends aren't like that you know. Rather than using each other for something, we just get along because we're comfortable around each other. That's all."

Muu thinks that friendship means to be yourself without the fear of being judged. To talk happy about silly topics, to express yourself in a comfortable atmosphere, to get along with people that understand you. At the surface, Muu's idea of friendship it's the standard definition. However, if we dig just a little bit, we easily see that Muu doesn't truly respect her ideals or rather she is using this definition to the extreme. When confronted by Es about Haruka's intention to keep her safe, Muu admits that she already knows about it. She is happy, because Haruka wants to protect her from a possible guilty verdict. After that, she explains that she will not stop him from killing himself if that's what he wishes, because according to her "Isn't friendship about letting your friends do the things they want?". Again, just by definition, it is a correct affirmation. Friendship means to help your peers achieving what they want and supporting them on their journey. But Muu takes this definition to the extreme. Friendship doesn't always imply that you should let the person you care about to do whatever they want. This is just negligence. Sometimes they need a reality check or words to convince them that what they want to do at the moment it's not the best choice and should find another solution or simply to abandon that idea.

Muu then ends her friendship talk with an interesting sentence. "Then what is friendship? You're together because it's beneficial for everyone involved, aren't you?"

By theory, what she says is true. Friendship is needed in humans life, because we can't properly live without other persons to interact with. Even if we talk about a connection that it was made simply because you share a class with and you don't want to be lonely or a relationship that actually lasts for a lifetime, they are important for our development.

In Muu's case both her and Haruka are benefiting from their friendship, not only as a way to pass time and keep sane in a magical prison, but also for their own desires. For example, Muu thinks that the most important thing that a friend should do is to listen to what she has to say, something that Haruka is actively seen doing.

(from the interrogation questions)

What's a friend in your opinion?

"People who listen carefully to what Muu has to say."

So Muu seeks people that listen to her and with whom she's comfortable in a friendship. In the second MV the scene where the "bees" are around her could be a metaphor for her wanting to be listened(after all, what a queen says never gets unnoticed), but also in this specific scene she looks the most comfortable around her friend group.

Okay, but what her friends are benefiting from this relationship? Considering how easily they betrayed her trust means that it was never a very deep connection to begin with. That's because what they gained were objects, expensive things. Muu's love language and appreciation is giving things to others. Being rich means that she can afford many items so for her it's not a big struggle. In after pain the text from her phone suggests that she gave her lipstick to one of her friends.

Also, to who she gave something to as a sign of friendship? To Haruka! The hairpin.

Her friendship at school was most likely superficial, based more on materialism, and was never a deep connection like Muu wanted. Despite that her views of friendship seem like the standard definition, because they were taken to the extreme, she didn't realized until too late that her friends were superficial and didn't care much about her.

And even after all this she still wants to see her friends again, meaning that Muu still cares somewhat about them.

"At the moment is there anyone you want to meet?"

"I want to meet my friends, but in the first place there's daddy and mom I think~"

At the same time though, she is disappointed with how everything turned out to play and how easy her friends started to bully her.

"Do you regret it?"

"Mhm, I should've chosen my friends better."

What did lemons symbolise again? Disappointment, bitterness and fidelity. What Muu feels now about her past friendship and the loyalty that she never had truly gotten, but wants to.

Lemon is a fruit that represents very well Muu's desires and it's sad that such a simple wish (friendship) was too hard to be granted.

~Whipped cream~🍨

I will not talk much about this, since there is not much to say.

Whipped cream is used a lot in desserts, sugary things. Usually, it symbolises a carefree attitude and a joyous mood. This could make a reference to Muu's actual state of mind in Milgram, her being one of the only prisoner who is still fine, both mentally and physically.

~Honey~🍯

"Honey symbolises positive things, such as abundance, wisdom, and even the word of God."

I think it is no wonder that honey is an important part in Muu's character considering the second MV.

Her second MV adds information about Muu's murder and uncovers us the revelation that she was once part of the bullying group. So based on the symbolism, we can say that honey represents truth.

But what does honey represents in her MV? Muu associates it with devotion in the lyrics, which makes sense considering the visuals. The first bee scene that we have is Muu being surrounded by other classmates. Almost all of them have a plate with honey waiting for her to delight with the food. Just one of the bees has an empty plate that doesn't get unnoticed by Muu, who with just a slight push, breaks her into pieces.

And not just the visuals and the lyrics are showing that honey means devotion and loyalty.

"She will stop from time to time in the hive, to be groomed and fed by the worker bees called her 'attendants.' They form a circle around her, and will also spread her pheromone through the hive. This queen pheromone tells the bees that she is alive and well."

The scenes from the MV are mimicking the bees in real life. Her friends, the worker bees, by giving her honey, are showing how much they value their friendship. So it's only naturally that the girl who doesn't give her honey (in Muu's point of view) it's like she's wishing for her downfall.

Another thing... (feel free to ignore, because it's just me being annoyed at the bullies) Honey symbolises sweetness in life. I can't shake the feeling that by giving Muu this sweet honey, they are flattering her so they can receive more expensive things. Even the text on the phone seems like the friends are complimenting her too much?

Anyway, back to the analysis!

Also I want to point out the shape of the honey, which are bee larvae. Normally, the queen bee is the one that makes them to assure that the colony is prosperous. Instead, Muu eats them, indicating how her friends circle is slowly diminishing and, in the world of bees, the colony is slowly wiped out.

It doesn't help that Muu's actively destroying the colony by breaking the worker bees into pieces. If Muu and her friend group believe that the respective classmate is treating them badly or "betraying from jealousy", they are cutting ties with that person removing them from the friend circle and target them as the new victim of bullying. A good example is the short haired girl from the thumbnail, which resembles a lot the first bee with the empty plate.

Basically, Muu believes that if a classmate is treating her badly she is being bullied by them, so her deciding to bully them back is a sign of revenge. Her voice drama also implies this assumption.

"You see, if you think that me bullying someone back after being bullied is the natural course of events, then wouldn't it be bad to bully me back again in return?"

To sum it up:

classmate (doesn't value the friendship/does something that Muu and the friend group dislikes) is a bully in their Pov -> they bully back as an act of revenge

Rei is interfering(wants to stop the bullying)-> Muu is the new victim of bullying and is betrayed by her closest friends

Muu thinks the only way to escape is by killing herself -> ends up killing Rei (revenge)

Muu implies that by giving her a guilty verdict we basically are telling her that it was wrong for her to seek revenge. However, it also means that Rei was wrong to instigate the bullying, again, as an act of revenge.

"But if you were like, "I won't forgive you, Muu! Revenge is bad!," then wouldn't that imply that it's also bad for me to bully someone back after they bullied me? Since we've all done something bad anyway, doesn't that mean that I've not done anything wrong in the end?"

And she ends her argument with the fact that she and her victim are even, meaning that she didn't do anything wrong.

Now that we have the bullying part cleared up, let's end this with the last scene from the MV were honey appears.

Throughout the MV, we see that the queen cell above Muu is glowing when she is eating honey. That is the place were all the honey is deposited and is spilled out when the fully developed Muu with wings escapes.

In the first MV the hourglass was used to represent how much Muu could endure the pain until she would've suffocated(literally). That queen cell could symbolise the same thing. When Muu escapes, the honey that was once a sign of friendship and loyalty was now suffocating her due to the fakeness and the betrayal of her friends. She is no longer looking at the spilled honey, and is happy that she can finally break free since there is nothing left in the broken hourglass(not even her three closest friends).

Honey is a good representation of trust and devotion. It showed the truth of the situation, how too much sweetness in one's life could cause someone to "suffocate" in the lies hidden in it (in this case, the false friendship that Muu believed she had).

Thank you for reading! ~🐝

Credits

#tbh it was done as an excuse to tell how I interpretated her MV #this was so hard to write #it took me 4 days to write and I dislike it because of how many times I read it #I was thinking to do other drinks for the other characters #But i feel like this will not reach anyone because I haven't posted for a while #idk who I will do next so if anyone has a preference i don't mind to do it #however I only wrote for Mahiru Yuno and Muu until now so I hope that I will manage #maybe I'll do a poll? I don't mind if people send me a message with the name of the character that they want though but I'll see!#I hope that'll I have time to post something until the end of this summer #milgram #milgram muu #muu kusunoki #character analysis #theory #drinks #fruits #honey #queen bee

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davidfarland · 1 year

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How Burnout Made Me A Better Author

[by Michelle Pennigton]

Burnout. Few words spark such dread among writers. Avoiding it, surviving it, and recovering from it are each the focus of many articles, blogs, podcasts, books, and conference classes. Still, most of us have or will find ourselves grappling with it. This struggle resembles a hiker who has fallen off an unforeseen cliff and now clings to the sheer rockface with desperate, failing fingers, unable to pull themselves up.

I speak from experience.

While attempting to write at the very edge of my abilities and capacity in an effort to release rapidly and reach a six-figure a year income, I ran headlong into the pandemic. All at once, I found myself—an introvert—constantly around my family, needing to manage virtual school for four children, and facing an onslaught of mental health dilemmas between the six of us. My daily word count became a determined slog until just thinking about writing flooded me with resistance.

My publishing schedule and sales took a massive hit while so many of my close author friends and community connections were successfully writing and earning at dizzying rates. It was impossible not to feel like a failure.

That is the two-pronged attack of the burnout monster. It injures both your productivity and your self-esteem. The tailspin of frustration, resentment, jealousy, and dejection is not easy to break out of. So, yes! Avoid it at all costs if you can.

However, if it should happen to you, don’t despair. For me, burnout proved to be a blessing in disguise. In fact, I am emerging from it as better author, and so can you.

Burnout saved me from myself.

Like so many other authors, I rushed headlong into the swiftly flowing waters of rapid releasing without taking stock of my capabilities or the strength of the current. As a result, I enjoyed more commercial success than I had previously dreamed possible, but at the same time, I suffered personally in ways I hadn’t expected. The dangerous part was that I didn’t realize the beating I was taking as I was carried along in the rush of success. Who knows how great the toll would have been if burnout hadn’t dragged me out of the water—unwillingly—before I drowned.

Only once I’d been stranded unceremoniously on the shore while everyone else continued on without me, was I able to take stock of myself. My stress, back pain, a chaotic household, disconnection in my relationships, toxic absorption in my work, a skewed perspective on success, and depleted creative energy all became painfully apparent.

Burnout made me rest and replenish.

At first, the resistance I felt toward writing felt like the death of my career. But since pushing against it made things worse, I gave in and simply took it easy on myself. During this forced period of rest, I discovered Asian dramas—especially Korean, Chinese, and Japanese dramas. With new languages to hear, cultures to explore, and story-telling structures to follow, I was able to simply immerse myself in the experience.

I realized later that I had been expending all of my creative energy without refilling it. I had become a dry, thirsty sponge, and dramas were a fountain of living water. Here was a new source of wonder and magic that demanded nothing from me and gave until I was filled and longing to write again.

Burnout forced me to question everything.

As hope and desire to write returned, I realized how delicate my creative health was. Unwilling to put it at risk again, I had to determine what had gone wrong so I could protect myself going forward. The most basic questions brought surprising answers.

What makes me happy?

As I sorted through my cluttered soul, I pared my answer down to peace and connection.

While I had been chasing after sales for financial peace of mind, I realized that most of the things that brought me actual peace didn’t require money: time spent with my family, nature, music, spirituality, and solitude. Of course, paying the bills and being able to travel made all of those things easier, but I now saw that there was a tipping point at which my business pursuits had gone from supporting my needs to distracting me from them. I saw that the more time and effort I put into chasing success, the more it impacted my relationships and health.

These answers led to another question. What does success look like for me?

Burnout took me back to my roots.

Getting caught up in the author rat race had also stolen the joy of writing from me. And that was not something I could allow to continue. In trying to discover how that had happened, I realized that I’d severely neglected my inner artist. So, in order to reclaim that part of me, I went back to the beginning. Who was I as an artist before my business-self took over? Both roles are important, but they needed to be equally yoked together.

As I thought back to my early days as an author, I was surprised at how many important parts of my creative process I had abandoned along the way in order to write faster. My craft had improved enough that my writing was still strong—perhaps better than ever—but the process of writing was not as satisfying or fulfilling. The ideal creative process will renew your energy instead of draining it.

For me, that meant I needed to go back to creating music playlists and vision boards for my projects. I needed more scope and space for daydreaming. Being more grounded in real-life experiences and soaking in the world through my senses had to become intentional again. While I was still capable of describing a thunderstorm from my desk, standing in the rain first would provide an immersive, detail-rich experience that would benefit both me and my readers.

Burnout led me to a better way forward.

Instead of being the end of the road, burnout helped me find a better path to follow. Sure, I have battle scars that will likely impact me for a long time to come, if not forever. Instead of being able to reliably produce five to eight thousand words a day, my new reality is being thrilled with two thousand. My sales are down and my fans are either impatient or forgetting me. I must battle demons of comparison that won’t stay down no matter how many times I beat them back into their cages.

But this is only a moment in time, not my whole career. That’s the perspective that I’d lost before. I hope to have thirty years or more ahead of me, so all of my struggles are just part of the journey instead of being a dead end.

Because of my detour through burnout, I now have wisdom and experience to serve as my compass. Instead of haphazardly chasing after success fireflies, I am determined to stay on my path. I may not know the exact destination, but I trust that my new guiding principles will take me somewhere meant for me. Those are:

Joyful Writing

Work/Life Balance

Sustainable Growth

Let me be clear: Rapid-release strategies and ambitious financial goals were not the problem. Writing to market doesn’t exclude writing for love. I am not denouncing any of them. In fact, I believe in them and will still apply them throughout my career. However, I learned the hard way that an author’s capacity for workload, stress, and creative output varies by person and the circumstances they find themselves in at any given time. The problem is not with any single tool, method, or strategy. The problem comes when we are not mindful enough of our core needs. And nothing will remind you of them faster than burnout.

So, if you find yourself clinging to the side of a cliff or drowning in a raging river—or whichever of my mixed metaphors resonated with you—rest assured that while burnout may break you, it also has important lessons for you to learn. It won’t be easy. At times it will feel like a heavy, suffocating black hole. But you can emerge from it stronger, wiser, and more equipped for the journey ahead of you than you ever would have been without it.

About Michelle Pennington

Michelle Pennington is a USA Today Bestselling author of clean romance. Because she was never good at making decisions, she writes contemporary, young adult, historical, romcom, and fantasy. The genre might change but her characters will always be falling in love. When not writing, she spends her days quoting movies with her husband and making messes faster than her four kids. She used to have a lot of hobbies, but then she got addicted to k-dramas. Michelle also teaches and supports other authors as one of The Writing Gals.

Visit her website: https://www.michelle-pennington.com

Join The Writing Gals’ Facebook Group.

Watch The Writing Gals’ YouTube Channel.

#writing tips #writing tips and tricks #writeblr #writing help #writing reference #burnout #fanfic

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mariailoveyou-guerin · 1 year

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I stopped watching the rookie and haven’t watched new Amsterdam in while because I got so fucking tired of how every show on made it seem like a woc couldn’t possible fall in love with a man of color which just got me so annoyed! Like sure I love Sharpwin they my otp but the fact they had Sharp break up with two perfect fine Asian men for no rzn and made the most lame bs excuse ever just to get her with the yt male lead got me so triggered couldn’t they just not set them up to fail or just for the plot if they wouldn’t wasn’t everrrrrr gonna make them happen in the first place so we some of us wouldn’t get excited to attached or get our hopes up about the ships! don’t get me wrong I love sharpwin but it was just so annoying especially as someone who is huge fan of her and my girl is always paired with the yt lead and in 90% she gets hate for it by yt fans of the show cough doctor who fans my poor queen the hate pain and suffering she’s endured bc of whovivians is unimaginable so yeah glad she’s loved in yt ship now

then there’s the rookie that I stopped at first I loved Chen and Bradford they 2 of my favs but I didn’t like how they seemed to just have my girl go from one old yt cop to the next then they had her date another 2 guy in uniform but didn’t even give them a chance and they were both moc I think so it was like nah let’s not give them a chance so she too can end up with the yt lead man again like she didnt start the show with being into the white male lead! That’s what I hate them not even giving woc a chance to find happiness or date or love with moc! look at Bobby and athena love that ship it wasnt just let’s have the black woman with the yt male lead it was build up it had romance it was a ship with substance like they didn’t break her and her moc up just bc they wanted her to end with the yt lead there was a whole story seasons before they happened all of that great writing great plot great storyline then just thinking every show has to have the woc end up with yt male lead bc thats what they think everyone wants it for some odd reason especially blackpeople god knows where they got that from but I’m sure it’s their thinking no one wanna watch a black/poc ship be happy in love and that people just want yt leads in all and every one of the ships bc that’s the only way anyone ever wanna watch enjoy the show that ship right or even root for the blackpoc ships characters as love interests or as in general their whole characters arcs! and it seems sadly right on some parts bc yts defently only ever wanna watch a show or ship if there’s at least one yt lead as part of the ship and as face of the show! Anyways im so fcvking tired of it! that’s why I ain’t getting my hopes up about popecleo in obx and that’s why they making jiara happened now bc that theory of theirs sadly has merit! I won’t even start on Bridgeton fcvk that whole show but ben polin edwina and ! that’s why I say Mr. Malcom’s List is far far far superior period drama then anything bridegerton could ever think of or ever do.!!

Heard something reverse went down in show resident it’s been a while since I watched was on s3-s4 I think and I stopped bc I saw a spoiler that I’m still not ready to face like my queen Emily whom I’ve watched every shows she’s been in d worded so I can’t get myself to watch but saw some clips here that it was reversed tho

there’s so many shows I could tag that did this sh*t if there’s any y’all feel so strongly about like me with the ones in the tag do share might have started that show but given up when all that shit went down who knows y’all could surprise me an it could be a show I aint seen

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whumperer-86 · 7 months

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The Inextricable Destiny ep21

He was in a coma and heard his uncle plotting to kill his nephew's wife so he woke up to try to save her

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the-martyrfication-of-the-matron · 2 years

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Can you pls Share some Zianna HCs??

Of course!

Most of these are MyS but hush.

Also, tw for abuse.

She’s a v tall lady, being a merfolk and all. She’s around 7foot with legs, much taller when she has a tail.

Her and Zane look alike but her and Vylad are near identical. The only thing that makes them look different is their hair colour/texture, he’s got a slightly flatter nose and their skin colours. They have almost the exact same face, it’s spooky.

She was an actress pre-MyS, a really popular one as well, she’s a gorgeous lady and she’s just incredibly skilled. When her and Garte got married, he asked her to be in a whole bunch of his films and she did and her popularity boomed from there, but then she got pregnant with garroth and he wanted her to quite acting as a whole. She agreed to stop whilst Garroth was a baby, but once he was old enough to be left with a babysitter, she would go back to work. She ended up knocked up again and she fully quit once zane was born because he was Ill constantly and she felt like she needed to be home to look after him all the time.

Milf

She loves gardening, something she does with Sylvanna on the occasion. She mostly grows flowers and sends some gorgeous bouquets to her friends sometimes.

She adores Travis and Aphmau as if they were her own children. They’re over often enough for them to basically be her kids anyways.

She paints her nails red a lot. She just likes the colour. Same with her lipstick.

She’s quite forgetful at times, but because of her overall ditzy and quirky personality, people just laugh at it and have a whole ‘oh you know what she’s like’ moment.

She suffers from near-constant joint pains and sickness a lot because she’s a little merlady so being on land can be a bit harsh on her. She is usually able to push through but she has a cane anyways for days it gets really bad. Zane suffers from the same thing, though his is certainly a lot worse.

She smokes. Probably not great to do when she finds it hard enough to breathe air as it is, but it helps her de stress.

Red wine is her favourite drink. She let Zane have his first sip when he was nine because he was nagging her. He didn’t like it much, but he’s rather fond of it now.

She’s a pescatarian. No meat, just fish.

She’s very good at dealing with bruises and scrapes. Being in the marriage she was in and raising a child as fragil as Zane, she got a lot of practice. Not to mention the injuries garroth would get playing rugby and the falls Vylad would take when trying on her heels.

She’s very supportive of her sons, and she adores them with her whole heart, but she can be very strict on them, especially when it comes to relationships. She has made sure they’re respectful and considerate and that they never even think of being violent towards their partners. Because she will not raise a Garte. She refuses to.

In MCD, she has her own pool room. Just like a room the same size as the castles dining hall, but it just has a massive pool. She needs it to remain hydrated and all.

Vylad is the daughter she never had. I won’t elaborate.

She had some funky cravings when she was pregnant. Garte drew the line at her craving chalk, though, he would let her down bottles of hot sauce and munch on paper but chalk was too far.

She has Asian flush. So her glasses of wine are few and far between.

She doesn’t really talk to her parents often, she’s not fond of them. But she adores Garte’s parents, they’re so sweet to her and they love their grandsons. She doesn’t like them very much for how they treat Vylad but she doesn’t really say anything because she knows how they are and she doesn’t want to risk her other two kids no longer having their grandparents because she made them upset.

Zianna knows all of the drama happening O’Khasis all the time. She’s got her own little web of gossips and they tell eachother everything. It’s mostly great for her, it keeps her entertained, but that’s also how everyone found out about her affair… so…

Her and Vylad have movie nights together where they just watch final girl horrors and good for her movies. Or anything with Florence Pugh.

She occasionally goes down to Phoenix drop to make sure Zane is doing okay. She makes sure he’s taking his medications, and he’s staying out of trouble, because she trusts aphmau to tell the truth when she calls her and asks, but she doesn’t trust Zane to tell aphmau the truth. So she just needs to do her own check ups.

She’s quite fond of Aaron. She doesn’t know about him and Garroth dating just yet, nor him and Aphmau (despite aphmau’s daughter being identical to him) but she likes him. She just likes how quiet he is, and how he listens. It’s good to have company like that sometimes. Also he has nice arms. Zianna can appreciate nice arms.

#aphmau #aphverse #rewrite #aphblr #minecraft diaries #mcd #mystreet #amaranth #zianna ro'meave

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jungkookbunnybts · 1 year

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You all hoes, listen up and pay attention. Stop being a bitch to my girl jasmin @savageeviljasmin stop threatening her and giving her a death threats! Stop hating on her, stop hurting her feelings and bullying her!! You all jerks are fucking annoying like hell. Giving me a damn headache and getting on my damn nerves 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 my poor girl jasmin is going through lots of shit in her life!! She fucking mad, upset, emotional, depressed, overwhelmed, stressed out, she suffering a lot of pain because of you all bitches talk crap towards her at her face and behind her back, you all think bullying is ok on freaking social media??? Well is not ok at all!!! 😡😡😡🤬🤬🤬🤬 stop blaming jasmin and get jasmin involved with your damn crap!!!! She has nothing to do with this!!!!! And yes jasmin didn’t want to fucking role play on Instagram because of you all asshole! She staying on Tumblr and stop begging her and forcing her and dragging her back on instagram for your stupid role play because you all are so damn rude and toxic have no freaking respect no freaking manners!!!! So make up your damn mind, do you want jasmin back on instagram for your dumb role play yes or no???? No you don’t!! Because you all didn’t give a damn about jasmin at all!!! And get the fuck out off Tumblr and stay on fucking instagram right now!!!!! I’m so sick and tired of your bullshit and your stupid excuse for jasmin and talk crap about jasmin blaming on jasmin for your own excuses, jasmin also has a mental health problems, she has a damn seizure!!!! She has trust issues and anger issues and she fucking sensitive!!!!!! Katie @darkevilkatie and my little brother mason @littlemasonlovebts are also sensitive and jungkookfrombts2023 your a piece of shit treat jasmin like garbage and stop abusing Katie and mason there freaking kids!!!!! and your fake so don’t act all innocent just because your real, you all don’t want jasmin back on instagram for role play???? Oh don’t worry about that because she isn’t coming back on instagram for role play anymore since you all cunts, whore did this! Your god damn fault not jasmin and it doesn’t matter if you all got mad just because jasmin left you all in damn group chat on instagram because you all deserve it. not jasmin. because jasmin deserve much better then that,unlike you all bitches. and it doesn’t matter if your talking to your parents in real life, at least say your talking to your parents in real life and not ignore jasmin or mason or Katie or Johnny @darkeviljohnny or Austin @evilaustin2015 or anybody and do you have a fucking damn problem if jasmin stay on Tumblr? Huh!!! Yeah you do got a problem and is always about jasmin smh, jasmin this jasmin that, we want jasmin we don’t want jasmin we miss jasmin it isn’t the same without her. Bullshit because she can not trust any of you anymore because of you all rude attitude, rude personality and rude behaviours. So you all better knock it off or else I’m going to lose it. My twin @cutekookiebunnybts11 losing it, jin @jinlovesuga31 losing it jin twin @jinbts788 losing it all of my bts members @jinlovesuga31 @jinbts788 @jiminbts12 @jhopebts11 @kittysuga1993 @hotsexyteatea @rmtherapper are losing it, we love and care about jasmin and worry about jasmin. She not fat, she not ugly, she is pretty and beautiful and perfect the way she is, but you all mother fuckers got to stop this nonsense about jasmin. The fight and drama about jasmin has to end right now!!!!! If you keep talking more shit about jasmin then you all getting block and report or else I’ll post more shit about you all, you son of a bitch!!!!! and stop Asian hate as well because is getting ridiculous, we had enough of your lame drama. So enough is enough!!!! Please fucking understand that, you all sluts!!!! Thank you, you idiots your all douch bags!!!! Now get lost and get a damn life and die you dick head!!!!! Bye you all immature wannabe ugh smh 😒😒😒😒😒😑😑😑🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

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waitmyturtles · 1 year

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Pain, Suffering, and Narratives in Some Asian Dramas/BLs (An Utterly Un-Scholastic, Highly Personal Big Meta)

I’ve been meditating on the topic of pain and suffering in dramas over the last few weeks, as conversations across Tumblr have been taking place regarding the success (or not) of the Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars episodes. I can’t help but connect these thoughts to some of the fabulous older shows I’ve been watching in my Old GMMTV Challenge watchlist project, where I’m catching up on older Thai BLs in order to better understand the fabulous works that we’re seeing airing now. This Big Meta in part comes out of my having just watched He’s Coming To Me and Dark Blue Kiss, but I was also very deeply inspired by a Japanese BL that many of us here have fallen in love with, Our Dining Table, that features a poignant moment recognizing that feeling pain is a necessity in feeling love for another person -- that accepting pain and suffering is a part of the life we decide to live, from an Asian cultural perspective.

I’m using some big generalities here, so let me explain where I’m coming from. During certain large portions of my life, I’ve explored either becoming a Buddhist, or at least practiced Buddhism, particularly Zen Buddhism. While the world of Western capitalism has unfortunately taken up the majority of my current time/life, I do still have a desire to learn more about the history of Buddhism and try to incorporate some kind of practice in my daily life.

The reason why I offer that caveat is that a core of teaching in at least the spaces of Buddhism that I’ve been privy to, is the recognition of pain and suffering in one’s life. Suffering is a core tenet of Buddhism, one of the Four Noble Truths, and one that a human being does good deeds or makes merit in light of (as we see quite often in our beloved BLs) in order to receive “good” karma for a happy existence in this life or the next. (Again, mad generalizations here, but you get the point.)

I’ve been thinking about this because I often wonder if us Western viewers (I count myself as one, as an Asian-American) are too demanding for linear, clean, direct, and/or happy communication, narratives, and endings, particularly in the realm of Asian BLs, in regards to either romantic love and/or love from one’s nuclear parents/family. I think about this very much in the context of the Asian BL genre, where queerness -- as accepted, OR NOT, in Asian societies, friend groups, and families -- may indicate an existence that is not necessarily a happy one.

There are other issues by way of demands from fans that often determine the outcome of a BL script, such as shipper demands for overtly sexual content. What I’m proposing here is that, in my opinion, some of the best dramas/BLs from Asia are rooted in a reflection and acceptance of the tenets of suffering as a natural part of Asian life and, subsequently, Asian art. I further propose that because of that acceptance of suffering, that we — Western viewers — are often left potentially feeling unsatisfied or unfulfilled by a particular ending of a drama. I posit that the linear/binary/clear outcomes that Western audiences so often demand are limiting in comparison to the non-binary, non-linear journeys and conclusions of art that Asian filmmakers can reach in their work, vis à vis à general cultural understanding that pain and suffering are a part of daily life.

Before I give a drama example, let me use one from real life, that is so very often reflected in art: filial piety. I wrote about filial piety quite a bit in my reviews of Double Savage, a non-BL from Thailand that focused on the plight of a discarded son who was judged by his father as a jinx.

When I try to explain to Western friends that Asian parental love is very often conditional (I myself have experienced it, and my experiences mirror those of my friends), I experience a lot of denial.

“There is NO WAY your parents don’t love you.” “There is NO WAY your parents will ever give up on you. Even if they treat you badly, they love you.” “In the West, we ALWAYS end up loving our children. That’s what society demands of PARENTS. We’re CONDITIONED to be like that.”

A major cultural competency issue that Western therapists face with Asian clients is when Western therapists say to Asian clients who are having family issues, “why don’t you just talk to your parents about what you’re feeling?” Talking to Asian parents about a child’s feelings, in MANY instances, is not realistic. The language of that kind of emotion may not even exist. AND, there are unspoken social boundaries AGAINST children having those conversations with their parents in the first place. To have those conversations would very well ROCK the foundation on which Asian families are structured.

My parents may love me — the dad in Double Savage mayyyy have loved his son? — but an Asian parent like that, so rooted in their JUDGEMENT AGAINST an offspring, will often not budge. Time and time again, my Asian friends and family will talk about how they felt unloved as a child -- especially if their skin was darker, if their siblings were more successful in school, if they were a middle child, etc. VERY often, our Asian parents don’t know what us children do by way of work -- my parents don’t know anything about my work, for instance.

The Western perspective and social demands for a STYLE of loving one’s children in a very particular, involved, and empathic way -- those cultural expectations don’t necessarily exist in Asia. So we see parents like, say, Non’s father in Dark Blue Kiss; or Korn’s father in Double Savage; or ESPECIALLY Uea’s mom in Bed Friend, a fantastic example of an Asian parent who takes PERSONALLY every aspect of her son’s social and sexual “differences,” blames him for those differences, and accuses him of ruining HER life vis à vis how he was born to be the way that he is.

And yet, at least for Korn and Uea -- we see those children, for the majority of their dramas, continuing to devote themselves to their parents. Because filial piety -- the Asian cultural and social demand for RESPECTING one’s parents above all else -- is existent and EXPECTED of almost EVERY living Asian, no matter where you live on the continent or your various diasporas.

The equation is: even if you suffer at the hands of your parents, even if you don’t receive unconditional love and empathy from your parents, you must sacrifice in order to respect and serve your parents. You can imagine how much therapy even one individual would need to process that -- if that individual even ALLOWED themselves to think about what was happening, which oftentimes doesn’t even happen.

I’m not saying that filial piety EQUALS suffering. What I’m saying is that the practice of filial piety will almost always ASSUME a level of suffering that one must undertake to participate in the practice of honoring one’s parents.

Where I felt this *assumption* most strongly and recently was in my viewings of three Aof Noppharnach shows: He’s Coming To Me, Dark Blue Kiss, and Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars, but I think Double Savage and Bed Friend also fall into this category as well. Very quickly:

1) HCTM was rooted in storytelling around the practice of Thai-Chinese Buddhism. Thun’s suffering was apparent: he was fatherless, he was gay, and could see ghosts. AS WELL, Med’s suffering was that he didn’t know how he had died, and why he was being held in purgatory before moving on to his next life.

2) Dark Blue Kiss was rooted in internalized homophobia. My big review of DBK is coming next week, but quickly, between the two main couples (PeteKao and SunMork), you had internalized homophobia playing various roles of emotional INTERPLAY, that AFFECTED the external emotional demonstrations of the character -- particularly in Pete, who was viscerally working on becoming a calmer person, but was triggered by Kao’s internalized homophobia to not be open about their relationship, and Pete’s jealousy subsumed him. DBK is the only show I’m mentioning here that has a clean happy ending for all couples involved, but more on that in a second.

3) OS2 x BBS x ATOTS, on the Pat and Pran side, was rooted in a clear but indirect conflict between Pat and Pran about openness and independence. If Pat and Pran had been open about their relationship (à la Pete and Kao) -- would Pat have needed to sound tough to his engineering friends that Pran *depended* on Pat to close loops? And on the Tian and Phupha side -- there is plenty we don’t know about Phupha’s past to make judgements, but I think it’s safe to say that he grew up in such a rural environment in Thailand as to make him assume that coming out and meeting his partner’s parents was an non-reality for the majority of their relationship, until the end of the OS2 series. The journey to get to the point of the ring was a tough one, particularly for Tian, who wanted more openness.

4) Both Double Savage and Bed Friend seem to end happily, especially for Uea and King in Bed Friend. But: Uea loses his parent. Yes -- he NEEDED to lose his mom, because of how toxic she was. But from an Asian family structure perspective -- he only has his sister by the end of that traumatic journey, which is not necessarily an IDEAL or complete ending. The bonds among Korn, Win, and Rung are permanently affected by the behavior of Korn and Win’s dad in Double Savage. The ending is a copacetic one -- they have survived, and will learn to survive together, after all the trauma they have lived through. But it’s not necessarily a HAPPY one. Both of these endings do not necessarily reflect the holistic ideal of the Asian family structure.

I emphasize all of this because, as I said earlier: I think a Western demand to CLOSE LOOPS in Asian dramas is unrealistic.

In Asian life (big generalization, but let me roll with it): you are angry at your parents, and you process it internally, very often without any help, and after a couple days, things go back to the way they were. The children do not demand change from their parents.

In OS2 x BBS, what I DIDN’T SEE -- and, from this framework, what I argue that I DIDN’T *NEED* TO SEE -- were any clarifying conversations between Pat and Pran about how either of them would CHANGE for their relationship. The biggest confession we got was Pat telling Pran, “without you, there is no me,” and Pran quietly agreeing (thank you to @lurkingteapot and @dimplesandfierceeyes for the incredible post on the improved translation of “I can’t live without you”).

But throughout the episodes, we saw their existence together, and arguably, their conditions -- how each of them has organized himself to comport to the other’s immediate needs. How Pran’s larger burden of keeping in the closet to keep his nuclear family structure stable kept them from being totally out, and how Pran designed fibs to be able to have at least one public demonstration of love between him and Pat on stage. They know they cannot solve intergenerational trauma in the span of a series. They’re still closeted two years later. And throughout all of this: how Pat digests Pran’s needs, and keeps his (Pat’s) own needs for openness at bay. We know he feels pain, too, when he makes his confession to Pran in Pha Pun Dao. We know he’s watching Pran as Pran hesitates to put on the bruise cream.

I feel that Pat’s acceptance of this existence is both heart-rending and utterly beautiful from the perspective of seeing Aof’s work as *Asian* art. I feel like, as an Asian, that I KNOW, that PAT KNOWS, what Pran has to lose. Pran has A LOT to lose. And so, Pat -- instead of demanding for outing and openness -- will hold what Pran needs him to hold. He knows when Pran is grumpy, and needs to be grumpy. And Pran’s got a lot to deal with. He’s got so much that he’ll need to go to Singapore, likely to get separation from his mother -- and that will result in him and Pat being separated (and I’m intentionally not analyzing Pran’s need for space from Pat here, but I think we can safely argue that, too, as Pat’s helpful attitude may smother Pran at times) (and there’s also the issue of the nuclear pain that Pat himself may feel at losing trust in his father for his father’s past foibles).

After the OS2 episodes, I didn’t need to know THE REASONS, the stark REASONING for why Pran needed to go to Singapore -- because, indirectly, it was already very clear to me that these young men were already holding tremendous burdens. Singapore, for Pran AND for Pat, could have ultimately been a motivator for growth. But I don’t need to know this. All I know is that they continue to have various levels of pain that they will be dealing with in their nascent adult lives.

While Dark Blue Kiss ULTIMATELY had happy endings -- how it got there was PAINFUL. Kao was ROOTED in fear that he would upend his family’s stability, while being the breadwinner. He was held back by extremely traditional role expectations of an older son. And he had no communication with his mother about straying from those roles. Pete’s dad served as the first -- and, I’d argue, maybe BL’s first -- paradigm-breaker as a parent, being SO open about his son’s queerness as to encourage healthy sex practices. But what I argue in this thesis is that up until the very last, bitter end, Kao was relegated to ASSUME that he would live in pain. His expectation was that Pete would ride with him. Pete couldn’t take it anymore and bubbled over. And Kao was forced to make a decision, for Pete’s sake, literally, to BE open, and to save the relationship. That shit ain’t easy.

Lots of folks who have read my posts on this site know that I appreciate a good Asian drama rooted in family and/or community trauma, like 10 Years Ticket. It’s the way in which Asian filmmakers depict this trauma that speaks very much to my life, my culture, and my viewpoint on what’s realistic in this world, and how that reality can be depicted in art. What I’ve found in watching Asian dramas is... I don’t always want clean endings. I don’t always want loops closed.

Sometimes, Asian kids can’t talk to their parents (Pran, Kao). If you grow up like that, you don’t immediately learn the language of intimacy for your family members, your friends, your lovers (Pran’s struggles after BBS/ep5, Thun’s coming out and not knowing the words for it). It might be EASY, or culturally UNQUESTIONABLE, to not argue with your parents about the ways in which they engage with their children (Korn, Win, Pran). Sometimes, to make a break in order to survive, you need to leave a toxic family member behind, which is NOT an ideal scenario (Uea).

Sometimes, you lose the love of your life (Ueda-san in Our Dining Table). Sometimes, you fall in love with someone — and you find that you can’t *exist* without them (Pat to Pran). And you have to live with the pain. I might even posit that the risk of that pain makes the love you have, either for the person living or the person passed, that much more meaningful to you.

I watch Asian dramas because I don’t feel like Asian filmmakers are subject to the Western demand to clean up all emotionally questionable loose ends. This is not When Harry Met Sally. Harry and Sally should have only remained friends, and not gotten married -- even Nora Ephron and Rob Reiner knew that -- but they also realized that Western audiences would not accept such an ending.

“The script initially ended with Harry and Sally remaining friends and not pursuing a romantic relationship because she felt that was "the true ending", as did Reiner. Eventually, Ephron and Reiner realized that it would be a more appropriate ending for them to marry, though they admit that this was generally not a realistic outcome.”

If I don’t get clean clarity in Asian dramas, I’m okay with it. My mind switches to the pain POV, that relativity mindset. Everyday life in Asian cultures can handle the weight of the painful and sufferable unknown. And that’s why I love these shows.

And, OF COURSE, not ALL Asian dramas are like this! Cherry Magic ended wonderfully. Old Fashion Cupcake ended beautifully. KinnPorsche ended sexily, if not a little confusedly (are they related? kinda? or not? whatever?). Minato’s Laundromat ended happily -- although we’ll see their relationship pain points in the upcoming second season. And we see relationship pain points in the ongoing drama of Shiro and Kenji’s relationship in What Did You Eat Yesterday -- all while they share their happy nightly meals together at their kitchen table.

Life is complicated. I posit that Asian dramas, for my taste, satisfaction, and cultural relativity, do a much better job at depicting that complicatedness than the West can ever do, and that’s why I stand so often on my soapbox to encourage Western viewers to understand these Asian cultural touchpoints more -- to learn about how we’ve accepted pain and suffering as an automatic given in our Asian lives, from our cultures, our spiritual practices, and from living amongst each other.

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elisexrueng · 2 years

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𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐄 𝐑𝐔𝐄𝐍𝐆

full name: Elise Rueng

gender & pronouns: Cis woman & she/her

age & date of birth: 29, October 22, 1993

where do they live: Southside

time living in bradford springs: 20 years & return a year ago (back and forth between CO & TN before settling in over the summer).

occupation: sound engineer & foley artist

positive traits: determined, disciplined, thoughtful

negative traits: abrasive, jaded, reticent

faceclaim: Davika Hoorne

sister to @bunny-rueng

inspo: pinterest

BACKGROUND. FULL BIO HERE.

(TW: car accident, death, alcohol, ptsd, cancer)

Born in Bradford, Southside.

Never knew her mom, but she, her older sister, Eden, and younger sister, Bunny, were raised by their dad who did odd jobs and played music at night

Eventually she grew to love music as well and veered classical, exploring cello and excelling at it quite a bit

Ended up going to the community college in Bradford to stack up on some additional credits and then was going to apply to a conservatory

Freshman year of college she, Bunny and Eden, were involved in a car accident that proved fatal for her older sister and shattered all hopes she had of playing professionally with the injuries sustained.

She spent the next six months – year recovering and trying to figure out what she wanted to do before getting into a sound engineering program in TN. She ended up moving to Nashville after college and began working in sound production and foley work on the side.

The reason she’s back in town is because her dad’s just got a bad diagnosis and she wants to be there for him/help out

EXTRAS.

Her father would rent a cello for her from the local music store but when she was 15, he and Eden (who’d been working an after school job) managed to save enough to buy her her own 4/4, which she still has and uses.

Her relationship with her cello is temperamental, a tie between frustration and loss, acceptance and determination. She can no longer play the way she used to, and that hurts, but she’s determined not to lose her connection to it. It took a year before she felt ready to play. Still, even now her arms hurt on certain days. Nuts and bolts were never meant to go on in bone.

She and her dad watch a lot of Asian dramas together – K dramas, T dramas, V dramas, J dramas and C Dramas, especially after his chemo when he’s exhausted and can’t do much else.

For a while she really struggled getting into a car if she wasn’t driving/didn’t have control of it

She suffered from PTSD in those early years but therapy and time has helped her heal quite a bit.

She has a cat named Friday who’s become one of her dad’s best friends the past few months.

She and Bunny have been more or less radio silent for the past nine years. It’s a painful reality that she doesn’t know how to fix. She keeps up with Bunny’s music and has bought a few merch items that she keeps in the back of her closest. Despite the anger and blame she feels towards her sister, she feels equal amounts of guilt and regret and has never known how to process the two conflicting realities.

CONNECTIONS.

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS: People she grew up with & who knew her family

MUSIC INDUSTRY FRIENDS: People she’s worked with or wants to work with, either on their musical endeavors or if they ever were in need of a foley artist in recent years.

GOOD DOCTOR(s): Not just doctors but people who helped her at the time of her accident and throughout recover

MORE TO COME

#intro.#bsco.intro

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theyadoretree · 2 years

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Sky x Trent moments. Sky fall.

Trent: So you're Cree?

Sky: Yes, I'm a Cree, and I translate in a language. I'm Native.

Trent: I didn't know that you're a Cree.

Sky: I am, you didn't know. I was on Pahkitew Island when I told the host Chris that the teams are Pimâpotew Kinosewak and Wâneyihtam Maskwak.

Trent: Oh yeah, I remember that guy Chris McClean. I used to be on Total Drama, and left the show for good. I was on three seasons. And what is that mean?

Sky: It means the Floating Salmon and Confused Bears.

Trent: The Floating Salmon and Confused Bears. That's good. You're good at translating this language, I didn't know that.

Sky: I was born a native in Saskatchewan.

Trent: Like with Cree Summer.

Sky: You know Cree Summer? I think I heard of Cree Summer.

You did. I was on the final season of Total Drama 5B.

Trent:

Sky: Trent, Trent wait up. You kissed Heather, and Gwen broke up with you?

Trent: Yes, she did, Gwen told her team to voted me off for some reason and I don't want to go through it.

Sky: Because you have gone through the pain you have been suffering on the second season in Action Trent. You and Gwen had dated once, before that Asian girl Heather kissed you by the dock on the first season Island of the episode.

Trent: Because Heather thinks I'm a cliche, said about my music sucks.

Sky: She said that? To you about your music sucks?

Trent: She said something about my music sucks. Yes.

Sky: She did, said that. Did she try to sabotage you and hurted you, or did she actually made your ex-Gwen cry?

Trent: Gwen ran off crying, because she tricked me to kiss her from the help of her friend Lindsay.

Sky: So. What makes you think that you're...

Trent: I'm not the bad guy here Sky, I'm the good guy.

Sky: No you're not the bad guy here. You're innocent. Wait. You honestly think that between you and Heather kissed, now tell me the truth.

Trent: She just made it seem like it's all just a game.

Sky: Oh, so Heather and Gwen treated you so bad?

Trent: Yes, they treated me so wrong.

Sky: Trent you know what. mmm mmm. I don't even trust that girl Gwen, or that wacko mean evil from hell Heather, both of them did hurt you so badly.

Trent: Heather broke me and Gwen, but Gwen went behind my to break my heart.

Sky: You need a friend here. Listen, if you and I were dating, I'm gonna make sure that I promise that I will treat you right.

Trent: You're not gonna treat me bad?

Sky: I promise. I won't.

Trent: Thanks for comforting me Sky, I could have sometime to talk to.

Sky: You're welcome Trent, I hope you and I could make a good couple. Anytime.

Sky and Trent hug each other comfortably.

Trent: I thought you were gonna be Daveʼs girlfriend.

Sky: I told him no, I don't want him to be my boyfriend, I kissed him before so I stopped and push him away. I just want him to understand that he needs to get my name off his head. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend Keith. So Dave got really angry with me.

Trent: You had an ex? Named Keith. There's no way Dave can be jealous.

Sky: We're no longer together. I told Dave that he could be with Ella. I hope she treats him well. I just want him to stop obsessing over me.

Trent: Sometimes you just gotta move on. He was?

Sky: You had to move on, from ex-Gwen.

Trent: I clear her outta my head, and forget about them.

Sky: So no more Gwen and Heather?

Trent: No more Gwen and Heather.

Sky: Okay, from now on. I just want you to be with me.

Trent: And I feel like I want you to be with me, Sky.

Sky: Oh Trent Lennox, I could fall in love with you.

Trent: I like you Sky Chakroun.

Sky: I like you too Trent Lennox.

Trent: Let me be honest with you. Will be you be my girlfriend?

Sky: Would I be honest with you? Yes, I will be your girlfriend and you will be my boyfriend.

In few minute later. Trent and Sky had share a passionate kiss.

Trent: I think I love you.

Sky: I love you too.

Trent and Sky share another passionate kiss.

Another chat of Sky and Trent.

Sky: Mom, I would like to meet my new boyfriend, this is Trent.

Trent: Hey, good to meet you, Skyʼs mom.

Sky’s mom: Why don't you come on in and sit down.

Sky: I'm pregnant Trent. We're gonna have a baby.

Trent: We are?

Sky: Just like you wanted.

Trent: I knew someone wants a child.

Sky: We could be a family.

Trent: Like we could.

#trent x sky #trent total drama #sky total drama #tdi #tdpi #skrent #skent

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ofwrxth · 1 year

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BASICS

Name: Elise Rueng

Age & Birthday: 29, October 22, 1993

Gender/Pronouns: Cis Woman & She/her

Birthplace: Atlanta

Time in Atlanta: Entire life (minus 8 years in Nashville)

Neighborhood: Center Hill

Association: Reapers

Occupation: New Recruit & DJ at Decades

Positive personality traits: determined, disciplined, thoughtful

Negative personality traits: abrasive, jaded, reticent

Faceclaim: Davika Hoorne

ABOUT

(TW: car accident, death, alcohol, ptsd, cancer)

Born in Atlanta, Center Hill.

Never knew her mom, but she, her older sister, Eden, and younger sister, Bunny, were raised by their dad who did odd jobs and played music at night

Eventually she grew to love music as well and veered classical, exploring cello and excelling at it quite a bit

Ended up going to the community college in Atlanta to stack up on some additional credits and then was going to apply to a conservatory

The reason she’s back in town is because her dad’s just got a bad diagnosis and she wants to be there for him/help out. She's taken a job at Decades while freelancing on the side but it's not enough. About six months ago when the bills got to be too much and her dad still needed treatment, she went to The Reapers. It was a last-ditch effort to get money fast so Sunan could continue with his next round of chemo. She hasn’t told Bunny because they’re on the outs still. Elise knows it’s dangerous business to get involved with the gang but she felt she had no choice. Now she's a new recruit, being trained to be a Watcher, reporting back things she’s heard and giving messages to people around town.

EXTRAS.

She and her dad watch a lot of Asian dramas together – K dramas, T dramas, V dramas, J dramas and C Dramas, especially after his chemo when he’s exhausted and can’t do much else.

For a while she really struggled getting into a car if she wasn’t driving/didn’t have control of it

She suffered from PTSD in those early years but therapy and time has helped her heal quite a bit.

She has a cat named Friday who’s become one of her dad’s best friends the past few months.

She and Bunny have been more or less radio silent for the past nine years. It’s a painful reality that she doesn’t know how to fix. She keeps up with Bunny’s music and has bought a few merch items that she keeps in the back of her closet. Despite the anger and blame she feels towards her sister, she feels equal amounts of guilt and regret and has never known how to process the two conflicting realities.

#elise rueng intro.#atl intro.

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defineuphoria · 1 year

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Hello. It’s moon.

How are you all doing? Are you doing well?

I hope you’re all doing well.

The weather has been gradually going from sunny days, to scorching hot, and rainy monsoons..I hope everyone is prepared for these unpredictable weathers by protecting themselves still, with masks. Don’t get sick. Prioritize yourself more.

The first 3-4 days of when my grandfather passed away, I lost several pounds of weight from loss of appetite and the amount of stress that was burdened onto my body. I’ve always been on the thinner side, but my current weight is way too underweight for my age and height.

Everyday, I wanted to die and I felt so hopeless and lost. I really miss him so much, it feels like a part of myself died along with him.

Everyday is still so so so so, painful.

The pain and grief completely seared into my being.

The first initial hour, I suffered from a panic attack when I realized he’s really gone. I was sitting in front of my tv— I threw my head into my hands and down on my knees, and just screamed in utter disbelief. The entire living room echoed with my screams and cries. It felt like I was in a bad fever dream or a terribly cringe drama where the main character’s beloved dies, but I wish it were all false. It was too real. Between trying to catch my breath, crying, and fighting the pain that was threatening to wreck complete havoc in my chest, I couldn’t do it. I cried and cried for hours on and off, I would sit up on my bed and just scream or hold back as much into the hours of silence at midnight. Even whilst showering, I found myself standing still and just zoning out while hot water scalded my skin and misted the entire shower walls with steam. I was truly at a loss.

I always associated death and the loss of a loved one with very negative feelings and pure fear. I myself get panic attacks whenever my mind shuts all thoughts and only think about how when one dies, your body is no more. Your memory, your heart, everything, dies. Cut of all function. It’s such a brutal and heartbreaking reality, that I can’t accept.

I truly envy those who have come to terms with it and have accepted it as a natural and beautiful process of all life.

The part that hurts most, is the fact that I failed to keep my promise. I promised my grandfather to see him one more time. The last time I saw him, was in 2019. Before Covid-19 hit. I had only saw him for a couple of hours..I accidentally got his hopes up initially, when I told him that I was going to be able to stay at his place for a couple of days. Hoping we’d be able to revisit the places that he and his wife used to take me before. But my flight departure day got kicked up a day earlier, due to work. So I had to leave him earlier than we both had expected..I was truly heartbroken.

After Covid, I was unable to visit him because that was when his health really had gotten worse. I was afraid of visiting him and getting him sick since cases were rising near me. I knew his health was taking a scary turn, so I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see him again. Just like how grandmother passed and I wasn’t able to see her.

I failed. I failed to see him. I feel like I failed as a granddaughter. I led him to believe he’d be able to see my face once again. And I didn’t get to see him one last time. I didn’t get to tell him about the beautiful things in life that made me want to live another day.

I’m sorry..I’m so so sorry.

When I visited my grandfather back in 2019, we stopped by his favorite hair salon. He actually took me to this hair salon a couple of times before as well. It was owned by this really nice Asian lady, who remembered us. My grandfather always told me that she said hello to me whenever we talked on the phone. She really loved my grandfather too. His smile and selfless kindness was really infectious to everyone around him.

My grandfather walked inside the salon first, so I waited outside. He wanted to surprise her.

When I walked inside; her jaw dropped. She gasped so loud, her clients and coworkers were all gawking and wondering what’s going on. A family affair? Some drama? Nah, it’s just a long reunion. She was over the moon and truly so ecstatic for my grandfather. She said something that really struck me next..,

“He walked in with this really huge smile on his face and I just knew, I had a feeling that something was making him so happy. I’m so glad that you’re back, dear.”

And we hugged. She had gotten some years old.

I did too.

We all did.

I cut off my phone for several days.

First of all, I never told my sister about my grandfather’s passing. I beared the burden alone this time because she had exams.

A part of me wished that I was gone, instead.

All this time, while battling depression, I wanted to be somewhere by myself. Where no one knew me. I still feel so empty, I don’t know what my purpose is anymore. There’s so many things that I wanted to tell my grandfather about my life. I wanted to update him on so many achievements. I also never told him a lot of things like how I’ve been battling depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD because what parent wants to hear from a child they raised and pampered out of love and care, that they wish to disappear?

I think those words would hurt him most.

It would hurt a lot of people who know me, I think.

And most of all; I’m truly apologetic to both of my grandfather and grandmother now, who has to see these sides of me that I never told them about. Watching me crawl in the corner of my room crying my eyes out, feeling alone, and begging to disappear.

I’m sorry, grandpa, I won’t be the President of the US. In fact, I don’t want to. This country is a whole shit hole anyway.

Any parent seeing their child feel like this would probably want to just protect their child, but I have not been conditioned to feel loved by my own parents.

I’m so negative and critical of myself, but I know nothing else out of it. I don’t know what it’s like to feel so happy, that you feel like you’ve been lifted off the countless burdens you carry. Happiness; genuinely terrifies me. It’s such a vague concept. One day, you feel like you’re on cloud nine, and the next, the whole world could crumble beneath your feet. That’s exactly what happened the day I found out about my grandfather.

In fact, I was healing that day. I laughed so much that day, I didn’t know I could laugh this freely.

I don’t know what it’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to feel appreciated or thought of.

It’s all foreign to me and seemingly “weird”, because no one told me that it’s ok.

Sometimes I come off as an unserious person.

I personally think that’s just my way of masking my weak self from completely crumbling away. I wanted a persona of the true me of what I wish to be.. to look seemingly happy. Hoping to feel this way one day.

You know- the “fake it til you make it” kinda mindset.

As for support systems, I’ve long lost this.

A year ago, I cut off contact with someone who was my support system. When someone brutally and suddenly cuts you out of life, it pretty much means they have given up on you, right? At least that’s what it felt like. Someone who I thought we’d be friends even 15, 25, 30, years down the line, gone, just like that. They’re continuing on with their daily life, smiling and laughing with their new friends, while I’m still stuck here.

I’m not sure how I can build friendships like that again. Let alone trust.

Do people feel this way about me?

Can they trust me like I did with this person?

What if I feel like they’re home to me, but it’s not mutual?

I’m afraid.

There’s so many people around me, theoretically, but, physically, I feel so alone.

And most of all, I’m sorry if anyone has been trying to reach me. I honestly cannot bring myself to face my friends who might have been worried about my well-being. I’m not sure if there are, but if you are reading this, I’m sorry I can’t face you right now.

I cannot lie to myself or you, that anything is ok, when it’s not. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to any of us.

But I’m really thankful to my closest friends I have made on Twitter. I thank the universe for bringing me these people who made me laugh so hard to the point of tears, that they’ve found their way and seeped into my daily and personal life. Sometimes a strange way I look at it, I wondered if I have made an impact in other people’s life the same way. I wondered if someone thought of me, or if I existed in their daily life.

I think these thoughts came from the lack of feeling appreciated on my end, from previous friendships, so it’s not anyone, who’s currently in my life’s fault for making me feel this particular way.

I’m not sure.

But regardless of it all,

I’m just tired. I really want to beg to the universe to stop taking people from me.

I have nothing left to give anymore, yet it still hurts every time I get battered by the world.

I’m not sure when this will be uploaded, I doubt I’ll remember when it’ll be uploaded since it’s on a schedule automatic upload, but if you see this,

when you feel like you cannot push past through a tough moment, think of all the times you told yourself that you also couldn’t surpass those times.

You’re here now,

aren’t you?

That’s all that matters.

Survive one day at a time.

Even if it’s just to survive.

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