#really enjoyed the two blokes who hate each other show. went real hard

[gar-licked]

8 episodes of strange and hateful tension. good show

#true detective #true detective season 1 #rust cohle #marty hart #myart #yeag. me when im normal #really enjoyed the two blokes who hate each other show. went real hard #screenshot studies #the bar scene was comical. why WAS rust all up in his space like that #rustmarty #is that the name lol??? #i tried. .. . .

[blackinn-n]

Blackinnon headcanons (because @marlymckitten’s lovely ones got me to write a bit again <3 go check on hers!!!!)

Yes. It’s sappy. But I love sappy Blackinnon. I can’t bear angst any longer so enjoy!

Sirius fell in love with her before she fell in love with him. Actually, he fell in love with Marlene before James fell in love with Lily, even if he took longer to realize it. He unconsciously developed a crush on her during their first year and recognize his messy feelings as love when he was a bit older. Anyway, he liked to say to her that he had loved her since he was a kid and Marlene used to roll her eyes and call him a sappy liar — but Sirius was not lying. Not even a bit.

I personally hc that they didn’t start dating at Hogwarts. Sirius was, emotionally, too much of a mess to actually sort out what he felt. It was not that he wasn’t sure of her — he knew he loved Marlene. He was certain of that. He was just scared to hurt her in any way possible, and though less of himself — he though he wasn’t able to make her happy, and he could not bear it.

It was Marlene who made the first move. One night, she just kissed him. They were alone in London, laughing, smoking and chatting at 1 AM while the rest of the gang had already went home. She just did it. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him. Hard, passionately. It took him out of breath.

As their relationship became solid, it was clear to both of them that what was happening was that.. they were settling. To Sirius, the word has seem horrendous till she had told him what she felt for him. But he was happier that he had ever been with her and was actually pretty content with the perspective of being hers for the rest of his life.

They weren’t too much into PDA. Sirius resting a hand on her tights, or holding hands was ok — but they couldn’t stand couples who made out constantly while they were out with friends. It was totally different when they were drunk: in that occasions they could not take their hands off each other and used to disappear so as to shag in some bathroom or to go home (to shag. Yes, they did it nonstop)

They had a matching tattoo. They had gone out one evening in March, just the two of them. It was supposed to be a romantic dinner but it had naturally lead to a drunk night in some club in London. After that, they had found some weird (and probably too dirty to be trusted) tattoo shop which was still opened at night and decided to go for it. They were too tipsy to be taken seriously, but managed to explain to the tattooer what they wanted. At the end, Sirius got the written “star of the sky” in Marlene’s handwriting, and she had “star of the sea” in his, on their pelvis. It was sappy, they knew it, but it was them.

Marlene absolutely adored Sirius. She thought he was breathtaking. That’s true, a lot of people thought that — Sirius was indeed a very handsome man, but to Marlene, Sirius was much more than that. Marlene loved everything about him. She loved stroking his hair and caressing the side of his face. She loved when he took her hands into his. She loved kissing his full lips and holding his gaze, despite it made her blush most of the time. She loved feeling his weight on her when he fell asleep while cuddling. She loved feeling him inside of her, it made her feel a sense of fullness and connection she had never felt with someone before.

James was so happy when they got together. He wasn’t even the slightest angry or upset at them, though they knew he would have killed them both if they hurt each other.

Lily was ecstatic when they started dating, too. Perhaps even more than her husband, considering she was the first person Sirius admitted he was in love with Marlene to. It happened during their seventh year at Hogwarts. Lily was looking for Marls — she knew the Astronomy Tower was her and Sirius’ spot and expected to find her there, but only him was present that evening. They talked quite a lot and at one point he just slipped it out. It felt so scaring, but so, so good. Lily promised not to tell a soul, not even to James and Sirius trusted her. She also advised him to tell her, but he knew he needed more time.

He desired a family with her but was scared to bring the topic up — he didn’t really think he would have really been much of a father material with the upbringing he had. His worse nightmare was perhaps inflicting on his children the same pain he had had to endure during his childhood — the idea scared him shitless. But one day, they talked about it. They approached the subject shyly, as if having different perspectives would have risked to break what they had. When Sirius told her it would have be nice, to have kids one day, Marlene could not suppress the wide, genuine smile that appeared on her face. “You’d really want them?” “Yes. With you, I would want them. I think I would be a shit father, but with you to balance I think they’d turn up nice” “That’s bullshit. You will be a wonderful dad.” “I will be? Not “would”?�� “Yep. You will. I think we should talk about it… having kids, one day.” Sirius had never been happier.

Marlene’s family was fond of Sirius. Her parents and brother especially. And of course Euphemia and Fleamont loved Marlene — she was James’ first friend ever. Euphemia confessed them once that she had been planning their wedding since fifth year (James laughed a bit to much for Marlene’s liking after hearing that).

Marlene once had called Walburga Black a “fucking cow”. She hadn’t just called her that, she had YELLED it on the platform before taking Sirius hand and making him follow her on the train. She had heard a sneaky comment from her: it was the usual babbling about Sirius being a shame, a failure for being how he was, for hanging out with dirty mudbloods and staying at the Potters. She could not take it. Although her mother (who had intercepted her daughter’s furious expression) had tried to stop her, she had just walked over and yelled at Walburga Black, a witch from a noble and ancient family in the Magical Community, that she was a fucking cow. Around lots, lots of people. Sirius thought he had never loved her more.

Once Sirius told her he wanted to shave his beard, and she screamed, horrified and threatened not to have sex with him for a month if he really did it.

For his 23rd birthday, Marlene gifted him a handful of Polaroids of her nudes, along with his real present. Sirius remained in total awe for a few seconds and then looked at her like a puppy who has received the best toy ever. He really was a simple man, not needing much to be happy.

Sirius couldn’t cook for shit. He could barely prepare a toast without burning something. And most of the time, when he was hungry, he forgot he could use magic. That meant he was not able to surprise her with breakfast in bed or some thing like that — okay, he knew how to make coffee or how to spread jam on bread, he was not that dumb. Anyway, Marlene used to tease him by saying he would starve if she refused to cook for the rest of his days. “I can always eat you, you know” “You are incredible, Black”

7th year’s St Valentine’s Day was perhaps the worst one Marlene had spent in her seventeen years on the Earth. Not that she had ever celebrated it (she hated St Valentine’s Day, the sappy promises, the fake couples who put on a good face during the trip to Hogsmeade so as to show off even if half school knew one of them was shagging someone else. She just couldn’t bear it), but that year every. single. one of her friends had a date. Lily went with James, Remus had gone to Hogsmeade with a bloke he had met in the summer, Alice went with Frank, Mary had been asked by a quite good looking boy who was part of the same club as hers, Emmeline and Dorcas went together (their first public trip after their coming out) and even Peter had managed to set up a date with a really nice girl he had had a crush on since fifth year. And Sirius… well, she supposed he was shagging three or four girls at the same time. Marlene spent most of her time in the library, catching up with her homework, and after a rather depressing lunch alone she hid herself in the Common Room who was occupied only by first and second years who could not go to the village yet. She read a book until she heard someone calling her name. She didn’t even had to turn around to know who it was. Nobody called her Lene. They walked through the empty corridors and corners of the school, perfectly comfortable with one another. He asked her what she had done that day, but she didn’t ask him back. She didn’t want to know if he had gone to Hogsmeade with someone. What she didn’t know was that, yes, he had gone to the village… to buy her flowers. They following morning, when she woke up, she found a beautiful bouquet of tulips — her favorites — of all colors. The was no card attached and it took Lily twenty minutes to convince Marlene that they really were for her.

Marlene’s dream had always been to visit Paris. When she was ten, she promised herself that she would only have gone with the love of her life — Marlene pretended to be nauseated by romance, but the truth was that she was a hopeless romantic herself. She kept the promise. One year or so into their relationship, Sirius and Marlene stayed in Paris for a week. One night they went to a bar and returned to the apartment quite intoxicated and extremely horny, so the usual. They shagged everywhere, on the couch, on the bed, on the floor, by the fucking window, not caring who could see them. Once they were finished, they were laying on the couch, naked, only covered by a thin blanket to protect them from the chilly air, their bodies entangled. She told him about her promise. He just looked at her, his eyes full of pure love. And he told her. And it was not scary, quite the contrary, actually. “I love you” he simply said. “I love you so much, Marls” She tried to reply, but her voice was thick with emotion. He understood anyway and gently kissed her, thinking he had finally found something worth living for. And it was love, it had always been love.

#blackinnon #sirius black #marlene mckinnon #marauders #marlene x sirius #sirius x marlene #harry potter #marauders era #blackinnon headcanons

[imaginejamesandsirius]

Sirius on anaesthesia from a muggle surgery (needed for something his parents did or his incessant smoking) with lots of care fluff 🥰

((A/N: Mentions of child abuse, serious injuries, and recovery, and mild homophobia))

It was hard to find Sirius appropriately cute being all doped up because of the circumstances. James would like to make one thing quite clear: Sirius was adorable. At all times and in all ways. 

But the situation was... well, utter shite. It proved how much it was utter shite that when James accidentally used that exact phrasing in front of his parents, they agreed instead of telling him to watch his language. Sirius hadn't said (yet) what set it off, but his parents had gone completely mad. Beat him so bad he ended up in hospital, and the Potter parents had been granted temporary custody. Sirius was old enough that he'd probably become an adult before they finalized his custody with anyone. 

The cute part of this-- if there was one-- was how Sirius acted when he was all loopy from pain medication. James tried to enjoy the way Sirius would go full puppy eyes, and then he'd see the stitches on his head and have a hard time feeling good about anything. 

"Jaaaames," Sirius whinged, pawing half-heartedly at James's arm. His depth perception was buggered up with one eye covered, so he ended up a few centimetres short. And slightly to the left, but it was hard to say if that was an injury thing or a meds thing. 

"Yeah, Si?" 

"'m bored."

No screens, no moving... yeah he was real sodding bored and James couldn't blame him for it. The music Sirius normally listened to was punk, which Mum and Dad had declared too grating for his current state. That Sirius didn't fight them on it was proof enough that they were right about it. Sirius could sort of play games right now, but sometimes sitting up for too long was taxing, and again, depth perception was an issue. They'd tried to play Monopoly the other day, but he hadn't been able to put the money in the bank without fucking up and he got upset. All of this was to say that Sirius was bored, and while James was sympathetic, he didn't really know what he could do about it. "Alright. What- er, what do you want to do?" 

"What I really want to do is go got a malt from Fortescue's. Or have a smoke. But I'm guessing you're not going to let me do that." 

"Fuck no. I didn't like you smoking before, I'm sure as hell not going to help you do it now." 

Sirius gave a forlorn sigh. "Yeah, I thought not. What've you been doing?" He was pretty coherent right now, which was rare. His words were still a little slurred, but the doctors had said that would last for a while with everything going on. (They hadn't phrased it quite like that, but it's what James had taken from it.) 

"Staying with you? Your memory might be shite right now, but what did you really think I'd be doing?" 

"Hm. You're getting boring in your old age, Prongs." 

"I've gotten halfway through that series Remus was going on about," he offered. 

"That makes me more old, not less." 

James blinked at him. "Alright. Whatever." 

Sirius waved his arm at him, managing to hit his leg. "'m bored." 

"I can read to you?" James offered with a slight grimace. It's not like Sirius hated books or summat, but it was the only thing available to them right now and he'd always been more on the active side. 

"Can I pick the book?" 

"Sure." 

"Do we have any Seuss books here?" 

"Y'know, when you said you wanted to pick the book, I thought you were going to force me to read the history of punk or summat." 

"I want to hear you bugger up your words as much as I've been doing. Get one of those tongue-twister ones." 

"You haven't been that bad," James protested. 

Sirius tilted his head just to look him in the eye and give him a flat look. "Memory's shit, but I can hear what I sound like." 

"Your sentences are perfectly coherent." 

"Yeah, now. Didn't used to be." 

James didn't really know what to say to that, so he went off to find some Seuss books-- he knew that Dad had some around here somewhere-- with a careful pat on Sirius's shoulder as he left. 

*

"What'd your parents get in such a snit about anyways?" Peter asked. 

Sirius was healed enough that Mum and Dad had let Peter and Remus come over. "Told them I was queer," he said casually. "Well, technically I told them I was dating James, but like, same outcome for grandchildren. I guess they found it horribly offensive." 

James tried to remember how to breathe. He'd known that the Black parents were bigoted pieces of rubbish, but he hadn't realised just how bad they were. That they'd do this to Sirius at all was bad enough, but over something so trivial as who he liked to sleep with? 

"You're dating?" Remus asked. If he hadn't known about them, he was the only one. 

"Yeah mate," Peter said, doing everyone a favour by answering. "For like three years, where've you been?" 

"I-" Remus blinked. "Well I dunno. I knew they fancied each other, but I didn't know they'd actually done something about it." 

"How are you the dumbest bloke I've ever met," Peter asked flatly. 

"Practice?" 

James snorted, rubbing at his face. "Yeah, well maybe stop practicing. I think you've perfected it by now, Moony." 

"I second that," Sirius added. "Time to call it quits and make fun of us for being all sappy." 

"You're not the sappy sort," Remus said dismissively. 

Sirius and James shared a look. They kept things mildly toned down around their friends, but they were definitely the sappy sort. And even then, James was pretty sure they were more sappy in front of Remus and Peter than either of them really cared to see. "We'll see what you say at Hogwarts in a couple weeks when we're all stuck in the dormitory together again," Sirius said. 

"You gonna be better by then?" Peter asked, surprised. 

Sirius opened his mouth to give a customary answer that of course he'd be fine, nothing could keep him down, but then he stopped. He wasn't going to be going back to school with the rest of them. He was doing the work at home for the first month, and then they were letting him go back to Hogwarts if nothing else went wrong. The cut on his leg from surgery had started to get infected, and it had set back his recovery time. Originally though, he should've been able to go back for their final year of Hogwarts. "I meant you two having to watch James stare at his phone all moody and pining for me," he said with half a smile that none of them believed was real for a second. 

*

"I hate that you're leaving," Sirius muttered. 

"I hate it too," James said glumly, squeezing him carefully. He wanted to be comforting, but he also refused to hurt him just because he wasn't paying enough attention. He'd already asked his parents if he could stay here and join the term late like Sirius was doing, and the answer had been a firm no. 

"Don't get your phone taken away." 

"Wouldn't be the first time it's happened." 

"Yeah, but then I wouldn't have anyway of talking to you. Or showing you my progress with liquid eyeliner." 

"Is that really what you're going to be doing while I'm gone?" 

"Gotta do something with my time. Homework doesn't take but, what, two hours?" 

James hummed in agreement. He knew it wasn't like that for everyone, but school was boring as all hell. And he wouldn't even have Sirius to help distract him this time-- not for a while, at least. "So what am I supposed to do while you're busy doing your makeup?" 

"Hone your doodling skills?" 

"There's only so many times I can draw Slughorn running a furniture store before I get bored." 

"Then draw a comic, you lazy bastard." 

"What if Grubbyplank takes it away?" 

"Ask for it back. After class, of course." 

"Of course," James repeated, rolling his eyes. 

"That sass is not going to help you." 

"Aw c'mon. By this point, all the teachers know what to expect from me. Whether or not you're there," he added, because it seemed like the kind of loophole Sirius would try to use. "But fine. Comics about us and our epic love." 

"We're already living that. You should make one where I'm a dog." 

"Are we still in love when you're a dog? Or are you my pet? Or am I a dog too?" 

"How should I bloody know? I just think being a dog would be pretty relaxing." 

"Unless you're one of those dogs that has to pull a sled." 

"Then make me a house dog that lays around in the sun and goes for walks twice a day. That sounds nice." 

"Going for walks?" James asked. 

"Laying in the sun." 

"You realise you can do that now, right?" 

"Every time I lay on the floor, you think I'm hurt and freak out." 

"You did fall once," James pointed out, because it was important that Sirius remember there was a reason to him panicking. 

"I tripped. I didn't fall." 

"Does it matter?" 

"Meh. Not really." Sirius sighed, grabbing James's arm and repositioning it so he could hug it. "I just hate that I'm not gonna see you for so long." 

"Maybe you can visit on a weekend." 

"Yeah," he said neutrally. "Not sure Mum will let me. She's more paranoid than you are." 

"I'm not paranoid." 

Sirius scoffed. 

"I just want you to be healthy, is that so wrong?" 

"Saying yes would make me sound suicidal, so no, I guess it's not so bad." 

"Just- I dunno. Send me lots of snaps." 

"Course. Can't keep this beautiful face all to myself. Hell, by the time I'm back at school, it'll probably be safe for you to kiss me again." 

"Here's hoping," James said, pressing his lips lightly to the top of Sirius's head. 

#fanfic #marauders #prongsfoot #james potter #sirius black #filled #hogwarts time #established relationship #no magic au #siriuslystarbucks #Anonymous #remus lupin #peter pettigrew

[those-pink-specs]

So, um, yeah … I finally finished my great long rave about the Klámstrákur video … make of it what you will …

Maybe this is a load of hot garbage, but my starting point was what they’ve said about self-image and toxic masculinity.

But I reckon that if your toxic masculinity shows up in a latex crop-top and corset, there’s probably something interesting going on.

I had a quiet Sunday a couple of weeks ago, so I watched it really, really slowly and overthought the hell out of it.

Sssooo … tl;dr (because the bit after the cut is really long).

What if ..

·         the lighting and colours (and costumes) have consistent meaning, and are part of the storytelling?

·         it’s basically all an attack of angst in a bathroom: an internal power struggle with no clear winner?

·         everyone who appears is part of that person’s own psyche (except Einar, who is a memory)?

 I’m definitely not saying that any of my thoughts are a ‘right’ interpretation, or especially original for that matter. It was just fun to fit all the bits into a nice pattern that makes sense – at least to me.

[Even I’m quite surprised by how much I had to say about this in the end...]

Klámstrákur

The toxic-masculinity-in-a-corset interpretation

*TW: low key for discussion about anxiety and gender angst. Nothing heavy, but, hey, I know how easy they can be to set off at times …*

 So, this thing is Art and it can mean basically anything you want it to.

Most people see a narrative around sex work. The lyrics make it hard to get away from, in fact (though could be a metaphor for queerness – but never mind that). Anyhow, while I agree that sex work is the background, in my overthinky way, I don’t think the song is about that, precisely.

I like to overlay it with the idea that the two voices are the same person, and we’re mostly having a tour through his angst. This works okayish for the song on its own, but it’s much better in the video (or so I think).

Anyhow, we start in the bathroom. The scene is saturated in a deep, velvety red light. (I’m going to talk about lighting a lot.) A choir hums gently in the background. Our lad stumbles in, washes his face and has one of those ‘is that really me?’ moments in the mirror.

He shakes his head, as though trying to dispel bad thoughts – and that’s where we immediately go … and stay.

Bad thoughts.

We get a flash of Einar alone in a theatre. Then three nearly subliminal flashes of Matthías as we see him at the end. Only with his head in hands like this:

(Sorry for the shitty screen shot. Perfect gifs of this bit do exist, just not here.)

This has got to mean something, surely. It’s not there by accident. I pause to mention it now, but I’ll come back to it later…

 00:25 – … on stage…

A curtain brushes aside and we’re on stage. My interpretation is that the stage is his perception of the outside world and/or memory of the recent past.

Why? Because that’s where Einar is – and it’s the only place we see him. Einar is the only ‘outside’ person we see. So he’s being recalled and thought about as an audience. It’s a perfect metaphor for playing a role, as the outside world looks on. As I flippantly said on another post – Einar is the ‘male gaze’ on this rather ambiguous body. (I wrote it as a weird academic joke [‘male gaze’ is a feminist art theory thing], then went … oh wait … what if he is?)

And then … there’s that red light bathing everything in the theatre. I think the red represents (or reinforces) a concept. Possibly desire … for sex, sexuality, submission, androgynous or feminine expression … money, whatever – anything except the accepted norm for a nice cis-het bloke, basically.

We’re just 26 seconds in at this point – and our lad is recalling stripping off and dancing on his pole for Male Gaze Einar. But the recollection is starting to make him feel guilty, ashamed, anxious and sick (or just more so than he already was). He starts to panic, and think he’s dying – as you do. But he’s not really dying: it’s anxiety.

His thoughts start to circle. There’s a nightmarish hospital trolley – that he’s literally chained into (perhaps by the anxiety if we want to really push the metaphor – or at least by those serious-looking girls in catsuits). And then there’s the theatre where he’s dancing like the sinful, slinky mink he accuses himself of being.

The first time we see the trolley (at 0:59), it’s in a blue corridor –the first real change from the red – but as the other three in the scene approach, the trolley swings slowly back into a red corridor. Then, just as we get to the end of the intro … ég sé að deya (1:16)… back onto stage.

Don’t worry – I’m not going through the whole thing this slowly. In fact, for the first verse – where we’re hearing about what a degraded, weak little smut addict he considers himself to be – it’s mostly visual escalation. We cut between him being strapped tighter into the trolley in the red corridor, the stage, and a few shots of Male Gaze Einar starting to look … frisky…

At the end of the verse, it’s crisis time, because we get our first, momentous: Þú ert klámstrákur!!! … and so enters Matthías properly.

He’s mostly lit with blue. He’s wearing some very important pink specs (ahem) and a lab coat. And he is most certainly playing the part of ‘toxic masculinity’ as in internalised shame, guilt, and a self-hating need to conform to society’s expectations of maleness. He’s a part of our pole dancer’s psyche, though. Not someone else shouting at him: just his own desire to be someone else, to be another way. To be in control of himself. To not be gay or gender-bendy or a pole dancer … or whatever.

So I see something implied in the settings and lighting: red scenes, desire and immersion in the klámstrákur lifestyle; blue scenes, self-loathing and a need to control, purify and conform. And it’s a real tussle with … I think … no clear winner.

 01:45 … The spin out

I particularly like the next little bit.

Don’t look now, but between one bellow from Matthías and the next, we’re back on stage. And Einar has got a bit over-excited and is clambering over the seats. As in a dream, the pole has transformed into a chair full of pole dancer, and in one of the most memorable snippets, we get fingers tenderly/sexily making their way down Klemens’s chest.

Let’s enjoy a crappy screen shot of that for no reason at all:

[… oh my …]

And then that fabulous chair spin from the red stage to the blue clinic room (screen shots do not do it justice, so please just replay that bit in your head … I’ll wait …)

… Now how about this?

When he stumbled into the bathroom at the start – he was just starting to get anxious. And that bit with Einar was what set him off. Desire for some stranger. A touch. Something too gay or too … something … for his self-loathing part to handle. He panics, spins out and goes into cold self-hatred (blue clinic) needing to regain control, and to conform and purify.

And from the two minute mark – right through the next bit of verse where he lists all the things that ‘sometimes’ happen – that’s what’s going on. The list maybe be factual, or his fantasies, or angsty exaggeration, or some of each. It doesn’t matter, he seems to think he needs or deserves the treatment he’s getting, and submits to it wholly, like a góður drengur.

But – as I said at the start, that toxic masculinity in control of the situation is dressed a wee bit less masculine than you might expect. I mean – when you think about gender-panicky homophobes IRL, you don’t usually think latex crop-top and corset. But maybe it’s more about domination and control. This is the part of the psyche that seeks and exerts those things – so dominatrix chic may be just the ticket.

Anyhow, he’s bathed in the purity of that blue light, busily head-massaging away the gay, while screaming at himself for being filthy and disgusting.

[This is so fucking camp … why am I like this?]

 02:30 – ambiguity – or who’s the anxious one here anyhow?

From here on, things get really ambiguous and therefore really interesting.

New setting: this is a chamber with a nice pole in it, and windows so the Matthías character (now in a nice fluffy red coat that just screams ‘pimp’) and the serious girls in catsuits can watch at a safe distance.

And our pole-dancing boy is released from captivity for observation. And what happens then?

This …

Followed by this …

This little backward glance. An implied moment of eye contact.

What do you see? Is porn boy anxious? Unsure? Obedient?

Well, maybe.

But I like my queer boys a bit bolshy, so I see defiance. A look that says: ‘Think you can control me? Well game on, bitch.’

Because he really goes for it on the pole after that. Surely that lightning-quick crotch grab at 02:43, when he’s being called ógeðslegur karlmaður is a very clear ‘fuck you’!

[Really though?

Well why not?]

It’s easy to listen to the Eurosonic version and hear the Klemens voice suffer and panic, and just assume that he’s a victim. There’s no real story line to the lyrics, but the Matthías voice gets the last word, so we naturally suppose that our poor little filthy boy is somehow lost, or fighting a losing battle for survival.

But to me, the video evens things up a lot.

One of the reasons that I thought that both voices might be the one person even just in the live versions, was that the name-calling is so over-the top it seems kinda panicky. The video reinforces that – with the shouty voice being so obviously controlling. And the need to control is an anxious need. Internalised homophobia as a fear. So, Mr Shouty in the crop-top is as much an embodiment of anxiety as the filthy boy. Maybe more.

Because if they’re both inside the head of a lad having a panic attack in a bathroom, then it’s Mr Shouty who has caused it. He (Matthías) desperately needs to control his impulses (Klemens), maybe because he’s afraid of what will happen if he doesn’t.

[Does that make sense? I hope that makes sense to someone besides me.]

 Anyhow … back to the action … it’s game on, and the next bit (02:45 to 03:00) is a lot of shouting about filth and a whole lot of arse.

Uhm …

[well … quite …]

The battle pushes to-and-fro until we’re suddenly back here:

 What is this? Opening his pores? Who knows, but it’s a very cool effect. It definitely looks like punishment/purification (so very like opening one’s pores). The light is blue – just as hard and bright as before. No red in sight (there was a lot of red in the observation chamber – such was the power of the filthy boy’s wiggles). So control is seriously asserting itself again.

The struggle is real.

Now, from 3:02 – the really difficult bit – the couch:

The couch is long and low, lit blue and red at opposite ends with a homoerotic / bondage picture partly obscured by curtains. What does it signify?

The messages are really mixed, even just with Mr Shouty. He’s in his pimp coat screaming about his disgust, sometimes lit blue sometimes red – but he’s got filthy boy by the leash now.

So what is it? He hates himself, but he kinda gets off on being a slinky-mink pole dancer? It’s the same mixed message as the clinic outfit: ‘I’m your need to be a normal bloke – but I’m rocking this crop-top and corset look.’

Well … at risk of overdoing it by trying to fit everything together too neatly – what if the couch bits are about balance? Getting over the attack with a little give and take between the warring selves. Or something like that.

In the last minute, the war between clinic and pole is fierce – with interludes of couch.

When we see the couch we also see:

Porn boy’s leash being held, him dancing obediently and wearing more clothes. So less impulsive – under some control. The purifying ‘treatment’ has worked a bit. Pores cleansed.

Control freak still shouting but, as I said, he’s not looking like a dominatrix anymore – more like a pimp. So arguably, he’s secretly enjoying porn boy’s show while calling it filthy and disgusting. I think that’s the point – which I guess means that toxic masculinity also makes one a moralising hypocrite (‘that type: making a scene’ – though that’s not the official translation, sadly!). However, for now he seems comfortable watching – and he’s no longer trying so hard to control his filthy-boy self.

But, of course, the war isn’t over. How could it ever be, for an androgynous pole dancer with internalised homophobia and gender panic?

[Sounds horrible and I don’t recommend it. Just be a happy slinky mink and a cheeky sinful seal, that’s my advice.]

 So lastly …

This whole emotional-breakdown-in-a-bathroom theory would have been greatly assisted if we had even the tiniest throwback to the bathroom right at the end. But we (probably) don’t.

What we have instead, however, is a throw forward from those flashes of Matthías on the couch at 0:24 (I said I’d come back to that!). If I’m even vaguely right, then those flashes show the balance breaking down. The visual is of Matthías’s shouty half of the psyche – head in hands. What’s he feeling?

Our pole-dancing lad is staring at himself in the mirror at that moment, thinking of that excited audience member. His inner control freak, who had been moderately at ease with the dancing, and sitting on his comfy couch, is suddenly overwhelmed by guilt and flickers into breakdown … and it begins where it ends.

So it’s a cycle. Maybe.

Or maybe this is a load of hot garbage.

#endless rumination on music videos #hatari #also i enjoy overthinking things so this is basically catnip to me #seriously this is how i enjoy myself with good content #klámstrákur #i've been threatening to do this for a while haven't i? #well i finally when and did it #hot garbage #with sprinkles

[kfawkes]

You Ready, Luv? (Part 4) - [Eggsy Unwin x Reader]

[Hoooly shit lol. This is so damn long, and I could have even made it longer but I forced myself to stop lol. I’m seriously getting myself so deep in this, and now I just… well I’m going a little ham lol. Hope you like it guys, as always I love reading your comments and stuff! You’re why I do this, so I want you happy ;.; <3 ANYWAY ENJOY! 

Pairing: Eggsy x Fem!Reader

Words: 3.6 I’m so fucking sorry hahahaha.

Warnings: Cursing! Lots.

—Read on Ao3!]

You’re with Eggsy and everything is quiet… You can smell him and feel him, and you’re sure that he’s real. There’s so much you want to say to him but, you stay completely silent. You don’t tell him how much he means to you because, well, you never do. You always just assumed he could tell. That he just knew…

Now, you’ll never be able tell him that his smile is what keeps you going.

Now, you’ll never be able to tell him that his laugh alone could brighten even your darkest of days.

When you looked at him now as he sit quietly besides you, he smiled that cheeky grin you’d grown to know as yours; and you knew wholeheartedly that you loved him.

You’d known for awhile now though, hadn’t you? And as you scan those azure eyes and that perfect jawline, you wondered why you couldn’t just say it… Why couldn’t you just… tell him?

Only, you already know you hadn’t told him because you’ve always been too afraid. You’ve always been a coward, and now you wished you had the guts when it mattered… And you realized that there was something worse than loving, and that was losing it.

Having it taken… ripped—

“You in there?”

Now you’re beginning to realize you weren’t with Eggsy at all… That you had been off in some hallucination of a seemingly perfect night you’d had months ago. You looked around, and you realized you were still locked in that damn room with this toothy son of a bitch. Whatever was in that gas really messed with your mind— bad, and you didn’t like how it felt one bit.

“Where did you go?” Artemis asked with curiously lining his voice, once again reminding you how stuck you really were.

“Doesn’t matter… I think you were in the middle of threatening me?” You asked pointedly avoiding his question as best you could. You were hoping for strong, but you feared you looked more weak than anything. “I think it was something like…’You’ll see’?” When you replied your voice was just above a whisper. “This is getting boring, Artemis. Get on with it.”

You knew right then that being a bitch wasn’t your best bet, but you felt a fire light and could hardly control the words leaving your lips. Your mind moved a mile a minute, overlapping with question after question: All of them pressing against your temples as your pulse elevated with each short breath in. But instead of asking any of them, you were silent— like you always were, watching the way his chest rose and fell trying to figure out the best way to play this game.

“Your little boyfriend, Galahad, has made quite a few enemies, hasn’t he?” Artemis narrowed his eyes as he half sat on his desk; crossing his feet at the ankles. He tilted his head slowly, leaning forward to point at you with the smallest smirk spread tightly over his thin lips. “There are many that want to see him dead… But there are some that would pay a lot more just to see him suffer.”

There it was.

The fear. Biting you sharply; sinking its fangs in as a inky poison spread into the wound. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t keep the terror from slipping across your face.

You wanted to ask who, but you weren’t looking to get laughed at. There was no way he would tell you anything you could use, and if he did— you knew that conversation would likely end in death.

You also sort of already knew the answer… Everyone and also no one at all.

With how many missions you two had been on these last 9 months, and the types of people you usually went against— the options were almost endless.

That uneasy golden smile spread showing you once more how dangerous being with Eggsy could be.

You may have loved him silently in attempts to make things appear less serious than everyone knew they were— but deep down you knew you weren’t fooling anyone.

Here’s where the guilt kicks back in… You start asking yourself questions like how could you be so stupid. How could you be so damn careless and how could you have been so fucking selfish?

It didn’t matter what you said or did, because ultimately Artemis laughed at you anyway. And as that maniacal laugh taunted your sanity it reminded you that this all could have been prevented.

There hadn’t been a day that passed where you didn’t wonder if that mission would be it… the one that ruined it all. The big fat ‘I told you so’, when someone got smart enough, and finally played this card. You had imagined a million and one scenarios, but this wasn’t even close to those and now as it taunt you, you didn’t know what to do.

Artemis shook his head at you, sending out the universal sound of disapproval as he walked to the bolted door. He raised his hand and began tapping his knuckle to the metal with a few hollow thuds. “You actually love that bloke don’t you…”

You didn’t have to say a word for him to read the answer written across your face.

“Good…” He pushed his hands together before his chest, rubbing them excitedly. “I think we better get things going, don’t you? For this next part… I’m going to need your help.”

And now it was your time to laugh… did this idiot seriously think you’d just agree to help him?

But after a second the way he eyed you like a toy shook you to your core and showed you that he did. A cold chill spread over you instantly, freezing you in place as your laugh died in your throat.

“Let’s get one thing clear here, Artemis… You can do anything you want to me, but I will never help you.” Your words came out as dark and threatening as you could muster, and you hoped it was enough. And you meant it, there was no limit to the amount of torture you would endure if it meant keeping Eggsy safe.

You’d die before you’d let anything happen to that man… Now you realize, you probably will.

“Thought you might say that, and honestly I wouldn’t mind having some fun with you. But my— let’s call her my partner.” When he started again his tone insinuated in a whisper. “Well, she wants things done a certain way, so it really is best for everyone that things go according to plan.”

“I don’t fucking care about your partner, or what she wants. She can go fuck herself.” You growled spitting on the ground at his feet. It was a bit much considering you’d never done that sort of thing before, but you just sort of acted and honestly no limit was too low for you right now.

Artemis just laughed at you again before looking to his feet with a face full of disgust. A second later he raised his hand and slammed it into your cheek; you felt the popping as your skin split, followed by the warm beed of blood trailing your cheek. To be perfectly honest it’d been awhile since you’d been hit that hard, but you didn’t show him him that.

“Sorry… but I really,” He lied rather poorly making a face while he eye his shoe unhappily. “really hate germs.”

You watched as he raised a hand, snapping his finger to the side. Within a second a mechanical piece popped forward from the wall, then slid up revealing a narrow walkway.

A tall thin woman walked out, bent down and wiped anywhere you’d spit without saying a word. The room was completely silent aside from the soft clicking of her heels followed by the hissing of the door pulling down; sealing shut once more behind a seamless wall.

There was a part of you that knew you should have been paying more attention to that woman, to what she looked like— where she was going. But with a brain still full of smog, and a mouth nearly bursting with questions you barely remembered a thing about her.

“Now… where was I?” When Artemis spoke this time, he sounded almost confused as he squint his eyes; searching the back of his lids for direction.

After a literal ‘Ah ha!’ moment he started again, but there was something strangely casual about his voice now. That tone was more unnerving than his creepy fucking smile had been.

“Oh, right… I was just about to show you what your darling Galahad has been up to while you’ve been sleeping. Are you interested?”

Just at the mention of Eggsy’s codename you felt a flicker low in your gut. Your eyes sent a soft twinge and you wanted to scream in his face, but instead you swallowed down the lump forming in your throat as you stare at him unwaveringly.

“Who am I kidding, of course you do. You are probably just worried sick, aren’t you?” Artemis turned to the computer placing his hand over on the tiny dragon on the screen; pressing a certain combination with his fingertips across its 8bit body.

You tried to watch… to remember the combination— but you could hardly focus on anything at all. How would you be expected to remember this if you couldn’t even remember what color hair the woman had?

When Artemis finished two more screens slid up from the desk and began projecting various areas of the base. At first you didn’t want to look because you knew this was all a game to him and by looking; you were letting him win in a way. But once you heard Eggsy’s voice echoing through the speaker you couldn’t help but dart towards it almost desperately.

‘I gotta get her outta there, but I’m fucked, Merlin…’

And there he was… in the middle of a screen standing in some control room. The walls was lined in tall conduits with large monitors and machines attached to them. Eggsy seemed to be locked in while he type away at the center consoles and when you slid your eyes to the other screen you saw just what he was hiding from.

“My men have been waiting for awhile now… They’re getting pretty bored, if you can imagine. But they’re good dogs, just waiting for me to give them the go ahead. And if I don’t tell them, well, they go anyway after about— five minutes now.“ He paused looking at you almost apologetically. “Oh, I’ve really been wasting your time…”

This is the part where confusion sets its root, and all you can see is a big fat timer counting down from five. But you watched with anxiety resting under your bust as Artemis drew your attention to a few areas on the screen besides Eggsy. “You see these? I like to call them Billows… These little guys are something I came up with. They act sorta like a bomb— in a way. But instead of causing a great big fiery explosion, they sends out a wave,”

Artemis pointed to another few small black dots on the screen as he smile wildly at you; and now your heart is pounding so fast you can hardly separate one thump from the last.

“Sort of like— an ultrasonic wave it you will. They’re petty small, but they pack a big punch and they just-” He slammed his hands together in a loud bang while making a loud popping noise; causing you to jump in the seat you were strapped to. “It’s veeeery messy, and honestly we’d rather not have to do all that. Galahad is very important to this whole thing, and our success depends almost entirely on his making it out of here with you. But, ultimately you get to decide…”

Artemis exhaled still holding a smile as he pushed a hand forward signaling your choices in his hands. “What’s it gonna be?” He made a loud rumbling sound mimicking an explosion not moving his eyes from yours as he continue. "Or… do you want to go home? Back to your perfect life with your perfect boyfriend, and your perfect dog…”

The way he ended was far too good to be true. There was no way Artemis was just going to let you walk out of here like nothing had happened. This had to be some kind of trick, another trap, something.

“Bullshit.” You called, not believing him for a second. But… you also didn’t want to watch Eggsy turn into a fucking omelet in about 4 minutes; So there was a part of you that you couldn’t stop from continuing. “There’s no way you’re letting us leave… just like that.”

“I can see why you’d say that. In your position— it’s not really that believable. But you don’t really have any other choice, do you? And time is ticking…”

Now you couldn’t believe your thoughts, but you wanted to ask Artemis what exactly he wanted from you… How much was it going to cost to get Eggsy out of there. The worst part was that you almost didn’t care what it might be.

“Wh… what do you want?” When you finished Artemis muted the computer turning towards you with a smile more chilling than the last; and immediately you missed the sound of Eggsy’s voice.

Your eyes were glued to that screen, each second Eggsy’s mouth moved inaudibly brought you closer to giving in… It was somewhere around 3 minutes now, and you watched painfully as his lips moved— cursing up a storm no doubt. You watched as he slid a hurried hand through his hair, panicking and pleading with who you could only assume was Merlin… His face pulled somewhere between confusion and distress while he try everything he could to get out of this mess.

God, he looked so… scared. And as you feel the seconds slipping away like sand, you realized you two never even stood a chance.

This plan was perfect. Whoever the hell set all of this up knew you— and they knew Eggsy. They knew he’d never leave you, they knew you’d do whatever you had to for him… And now, they were going to win.

As those seconds passed you felt a hopelessness cascading under your skin viciously, pulling you down until you were stuffed in the ground. Buried 6 feet and losing air… and you knew what you had to happen: You had to play your part. “What do you need me to do…”

Artemis released a relieved sigh, still sporting that mischievous smile as he answered you. “We just need you to drink this, that’s all. I mean… we could force it down your throat. But— it’s important that you do it willingly.”

You watched in near awe, trying to understand his words as he reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a thin blue vial; tilting it back and forth in the light.

“Wh… what is it?”

But part of you didn’t even care what it was or what it might do yo you… As long as Eggsy was okay after all this you’d pay whatever price you had to. You owed it to him after all, didn’t you?

“It won’t kill you… Honest.” Artemis reminded you with another smile, holding the vial out to you once more. A second later he scoffed, rolling his eyes while he signal to your bound arms. “Guess I should untie you first.”

It was strange how nonchalant he acted, and you watched him as you would a spider making its way across the floor. He let out another loud snap to the side as the woman appeared once again through the mechanical clockwork. This time you could see her face… and you could tell she was absolutely not human.

She looked human— sort of. But, there just was something off about her; uncanny… wrong. And those eyes. They were a bright silver; far too silver to be natural and your own eyes widened in disbelief as she untied each of your arms carefully.

A moment later you pulled your wrist between your other hand, rubbing the rawness away as you stare up at the both of them under furrowed brow. Your instincts kicked in and you jumped up ready to fight your way out of this mess— but before you even pushed yourself from the chair; the woman shot her leg straight out and into your chest, pinning you back to the chair painfully with a sharp heel.

There was no way the force you felt came from a human— So what the fuck was she? No matter how hard you pulled at the heel that punctured deeply into your shoulder; it didn’t budge. You started to feel as the warm blood slide down your chest; ticking you as Artemis lean forward dangling the vial before your eyes.

“You’ve got about a minute now, Tristan…”

Now you realized that you were not going to get out this, and that in about 60 seconds Eggsy would be blasted to shit… That was if Artemis wasn’t lying, of course. But something deep told you he wasn’t the type as strange as that sounds.

“You take this, you drink it down like a good girl,” He emphasized, pressing the vial towards you. “or I kill him, then lock you in with his bits and pieces until you starve to death.”

You grabbed the vial forcefully, staring down at it as your hands tremble ferociously at your choices. Clearly he wasn’t playing nice anymore, and now it was hard to keep those warm tears from slipping. You looked at the monitor one last time as the sharp pang in your chest rumbled. “What will it do to me…”

“Times running out… luv.” Artemis said far too pointedly to be accidental as he signaled over his shoulder to the screen Eggsy decorated.

You watched the man you loved as the seconds ticked away… this was it and the dread was so heavy that it ached in your chest and you thought for sure you’d get sick from the pressure alone.

But then, you just knew what you had to do. You sort of always knew though, didn’t you?

So you lifted the vial to your lips, tiled your head back and swallowed whatever that shit was in one quick gulp; gripping the vial tightly between your fingers when you finished. It tasted like metal, and was cold as ice as it slid down your throat. You could even feel a coating lining the way to your stomach, and that thought was almost too much for you to handle.

Moments later you felt a sharp prickle over your entire body as you looked to your hands, your body filling with sharp pressing fear… if this wasn’t going to kill you, then what was it going to do?

“Wh…what’s happening— to me?” You felt the coldness encase you, spreading up your throat as the room began fading to black. Flashes of light and Artemis’ smile blurred together and sometimes you could even see Eggsy in there.

You felt as the woman, or whatever she was— slide her heel from your chest and in that moment you were sure you would vomit from the pain. The ache threw your chest forward towards your legs as you press your hand to the wound strenuously.

When you looked up with heavy eyes, you expected to see Eggsy on the screen… but you only saw flashes of that stupid fucking dragon flapping its wings most happily behind the bastard before you. The rest of the room looked exactly how it had before you were gassed now too… everything you’d knocked over was put back perfectly. Anything that broke was pieced back together… It looked like nothing happened at all.

“Wh… whadid…”

“Another something I made just for you, Tristan…” Artemis cooed, and you could sort of see the woman walking through the door; her arms full of the bindings that had once held you to the chair and several broken trinkets.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be alright— just like I promised… But you won’t remember any of this. You won’t remember meeting me, or talking to me… you wont even know what you’ve done until it’s too late.” He whispered malevolently— those words echoing around you until they were a part of you. Rumbling through and through as you fought with the darkness that called your name so sweetly.

“We will see you soon very soon.” Artemis’ voice traveled as if on air, and you could barely make out his footsteps as he retreated through the door.

And then… he was gone. The door was gone and it looked just like a normal wall… it looked just like a normal room. Everything was perfect.

For half a second you wondered if maybe you’d just made it all up… that the gas had just mixed your brain and you were hallucinating like before… Only the dull pang in your chest and the bright red blood reminded you otherwise.

Reminded you of a choice between this vial and Eggsy, and you pleaded with yourself to just focus. To hold onto that bottle, and to any bit of information you could…

But as the seconds dwindle away you’re not sure what to think anymore and you can’t shake the feeling that you’re starting to forget something… Something very important… If only you could just focus, then maybe you could remember what you’re not supposed to forget…

Except it’s hard to focus with the room fading into darkness… and it was hard to remember with a thick fog creeping in through your mouth and nose; erasing things it doesn’t want you to know…

And as you look to that fucking dragon one last time… You watched a bright golden circle flicker behind its wings before they both faded away; leaving you in complete darkness.

Cold, empty… darkness.

#eggsy x reader #eggsy imagine #eggsy unwin x reader #Kingsman #Kingsman fic #fanfic #update #eggsy #Eggsystential Crisis

[peeppeephellofatface]

In an unexpected turn of events, I’m putting the fic about Duke and Henry up.

Nothing kinky.  It’s more angst than anything.  Like uh, blatant talk of visceral hatred of other engines, scrapping, and lots of self-deprecation.  It’s very out of tone for this blog but dammit, it came out well and I wanted to post it somewhere. 

While the television show did not come until years after steam had ended in Britain, it was undeniable that most engines knew of the stories of the Railway Series.  At some point or another, they all had heard crew or passengers talk of various fictional steam engines amongst each other, and in turn told other engines about the same tales while they stood side-by-side at stations or were gathered in roundhouses.  And over time, these stories took on almost folkloric qualities amongst rolling stock.  Many smaller or weaker engines were enamored by the absurd fantasy of an E2 actually able to travel faster than walking pace, let alone pull a passenger train without running out of coal, and wondered if they too could someday overcome the restrictions of their design like that.  The morals explained to human children through the stories were shared more literally to new engines.  Banking engines would mutter the words of Edward or the Little Engine that Could as they went about their jobs.  And in the late days of steam, some engines would dream of being bought by such an idyllic railway where nothing would ever permanently harm them and everything seemed to go right.  Some even began treating the place as an afterlife, due to the fact that so many of the locomotives there were of classes long or recently extinct.

The one that had particularly stuck with the Duke of Gloucester, unsurprisingly, was the story of Henry.  Both had been botched engines with disappointing performance due to poor steaming.  The main difference was that Henry's controller and crew had shown some inkling of care for him, and in typical deus ex machina fashion found a miraculous way to turn him around.  Well-meaning engines would try to reassure the Duke with this, but after hearing the same thing so many times, he grew to hate that fictional Henry.  How others assumed such fundamentally flawed engines always had some easy fix to make them useful again and that everything would be well in the end.  How everything eventually went well for that bloke and damn near everyone else on that nonexistent island that must have been off the coast of lalaland rather than England, while everything was going so wrong for himself.  He was destined to be an only child by the onset of dieselization, and knew he was little more than a cheaply-made stopgap made to fill in for a vastly superior engine and would soon be disposed of and replaced by another vastly superior engine.  He spent life as a widely disliked backup for failed engines that crews hated to deal with and more than wasted the money saved on his construction by the excessive fuel he needed due to his draughting issues.  And he knew they'd never care enough to fix him- it wasn't just self-deprecation, but fact, and he refused to lie about such a thing to himself.  And the resentment only grew to hatred as his fate was sealed and he was sent off to some scrapyard after a museum took his cylinders and left the rest of him to rot.  

That time was one of the worst times in his life not because of what he saw, but how aggravating his powerlessness was.  He knew the inevitable was coming and just wanted to hurry up and happen instead of having to sit around in utter boredom surrounded by the other rotting hulks.  After a while, he couldn't even be bothered by the sight of them he'd  grown so used to it.  Sure, other engines were being saved but there was no way anyone would want something as worthless and incomplete as him.  It was a matter of waiting, and wait he did, as the scrapyard had chosen to process the old wagons first, and his wait stretched from months to years.  Leaving him to stew in his aggravation and regret, knowing how his only chance at life had been so short and squandered and miserable while the old tales of that idyllic island continued to echo inside him.  At times he found himself looking at the other engines there and imagined them as those infernal machines from that island, their bright paint overcome with rust and repenting for their past snottiness and blatant lack of care for their duties.  They got away with all kind of accidents and laziness and constantly were spared by their controller, why wasn’t it the same for the other objectively better engines dying around him?  Why wasn’t it that way for him?  Though he always cut off that last thought with the obvious.  The others were mostly perfectly serviceable.  He was a nothing but a defective back-up.  Still, that Henry was defective and he got to live, yet he kept on whining and causing trouble.  He'd never do such things if he'd been in a place like this. Jealousy burned within him.  It brought him sick pleasure to imagine that engine languishing there, repenting and begging for mercy.

------

But as many know, miraculously, the Duke was recovered and finally rebuilt more or less as actually designed with some improvement, something he'd never considered, let alone dreamed of previously.  And it was in the 90s and 2000s that he began to catch up with the world beyond the scrapyard and workshop.  Most notably, one day he realized that Sodor was indeed a real place after he was sent on a run there.  It wasn't that nobody knew it existed or that it suddenly came to be, it was just something largely kept secret amongst those that had been there for the sake of maintaining some privacy. 

Duke felt ill whenever he thought about those old stories because of how inseparable they were from his dark years.  He still couldn't believe the things he thought then, but still he remembered and understood that mindset far too clearly for comfort.  He'd tried to shove those stories all aside and forget about them and just focus on his own noises or whatever small details he could see within his narrow field of vision whenever people talked about them.  On his way to the island, he couldn't stop thinking about it.  His driver was getting aggravated with him making the train late, as he wasn't running his best with the mental state he was in.

"Duke, what's gotten into you?"

"Nothing, nothing.  I just need to go harder.  You know how I can be.  I need to be pushed.  It's okay, I'd rather people be too harsh on me than too lax.  It's really quite difficult to be that way with me, actually.."

"That's understandable."

Duke enjoyed being run hard, and the exertion helped cloud his mind and blur the scenery.  But inevitably, he did arrive at his dreaded destination.  He knew it had to be the place by the bright green engine standing at the station he was approaching.  He knew he'd never see mainline engines that vivid anywhere else.  He could only hope it wasn't Henry, as the thought that all these years the object of his aggravation had been real made him feel so... profane.  He couldn’t remember what color he had been, though.  He was ready and plotting try to find some excuse to just get the job done and get out of the place and never have to meet the engines there and just bury that part of his life again. 

As he approached the engine, he caught a brief glimpse of it before his smoke deflectors blocked his vision.  He wasn't familiar enough with the finer points of most engine designs to tell them apart but he was certainly one of the classes of unremarkable mixed-traffic ten-wheelers. That was reassuring.  Supposedly, Henry had been some sort of Pacific to start with and this clearly wasn't one.  He heard a soft voice beside him as he stopped.

"You're the visitor?"

"Yes."

"You're an interesting looking fellow, who are you?"

"A-A Standard."

"I know that, but what's your name?"

"It's irrelevant."

"Well aren't you friendly?  I was just wondering who you were.   Ages ago I swore I saw an engine around Crewe with odd valve gear like you."

"Pfft.  Plenty of Standard 5s with that.  Caprotti valve gear's not that unique."

"Oh.  I could have sworn it had smoke deflectors like you, but it was awfully long ago.  I'll leave you be. I understand.  I'm that way myself oftentimes."

Duke was silent for a second while passengers got on and off the trains and photographs were snapped of the two engines. As he realized that he was going to be here a while, he decided he may as well kill some time with that other engine.  He really didn't want to, but he couldn't see it and the lack of visible face calmed him a little.  He could just pretend it was another regular engine or even a very loud human.

"So this is a the fabled island of Sodor?"

"It's funny how you folks from the Mainland never believe this place is real."

"So how accurate are the stories?"

"The books are fairly close.  The show not so much, the creators seem dead-set on showing all my worst traits and it's horribly embarrassing."

"Shame about that.  Hope the workers here know to look past reputations. I've dealt with plenty who didn't.  But that was the past."

"Usually once people are at that sort of skill level they know well that the show is often just a load of rubbish.  It's more the general public that irritates me."

"I'm sure glad there's not too much out there involving my early years.  I'd be happy to forget them all entirely and trick myself into thinking I'm a new build."

"If only they could forget about mine.  It was ages ago but it's the early stories that most seem to be familiar with, and they'll never shut up about mine and how "inspirational" I was.  Oh, please, there's nothing inspirational about going from being a disgrace who can't do anything to just a regular disgrace."

"I was so awful I didn't even have any classmates."

"I'd be impressed by that if I weren’t a one-off myself for that exact reason.  Used to be, at least.  I'm still not sure what they did to me to make me what I am now, but I'm not complaining."

"I know all the details about what they did to me, but I'll spare you from it all, it was.. certainly a lot.  Unless you absolutely insist."

"Not really.  This is probably a bit sudden, but I kind of like you, whoever you are.  It's rare to find someone who'll take me seriously and understands me.  Funny how we're so similar, unless you're full of rubbish."

"Yes... same here..."

Duke trailed off, becoming increasingly concerned about who this was.  Plenty of engines had been rebuilt before.  This didn't have to be who he feared.

But then he said exactly what Duke had been dreading.

"It's been nice to meet you, I'm Henry."

His eyes went wide in panic and he had to clench to keep the rest of himself from doing anything that could alarm the passengers or... him.  He had had never been more thankful for having his smoke deflectors.

The two sat there, silent, while Duke felt too sick and horrified to respond.   This was the Henry he wanted to see rot with him so long ago.  The one he so despised.  He was real and right here and now he couldn't stand the guilt of his conscious for his invisible crimes knowing what he did.   And there was no escaping, he couldn't just outright tell him while they were little more than strangers but also couldn't bear with being around him with that cloud hanging over him all the time.  Thankfully, the whistle was blown soon and he was off.  Henry tried to whistle to him as a farewell, still confused by his silence, but Duke did not respond.  He was wordless on his way back as well, even when questioned by his crew.  

"What happened between you and that other bloke?  One moment you two seemed to get on fine and then that sudden silence?  What's gotten into you?"

Duke wouldn't answer.

To this day, Duke has never returned to that island, for fear of seeing him again.  There was too much that he knew that Henry didn't and he didn't think he could ever speak to him again without it coming out and souring things further or pressing that kind of guilt on him for something that may have been augmented or entirely fictional even. And a thought lingered in the back of his mind.  What if Henry knew of him?  What if he quietly had the same resentments about him and was just as paranoid about running into him as he was?  That felt like too strange of a coincidence, though.  His life had already been a string of miracles and luck, there was no way something like that would happen.  Most likely Henry had never known who he was, or only been told about him once or twice because their experiences had been similar.  He was overthinking all of this.  All he could do was cram it away in the back of his mind.  No way could he make up for that sudden departure.  Best to forget that island ever existed and fake whatever illness needed to not go back.  Thank god he never told him his name.  

#pphfffics

[bartsugsy]

The Robron Break-Ups : A Definitive Guide (Part Four/A Large Number)

Part One / Previous Part / All / AO3

And so we return again to what is ostensibly a Break Up Counter but is actually at this point just a general recap of Aaron and Robert’s entire storyline, because I literally have no self-control.

Fair warning to you - with this post we reach The Donny Saga and The Time of Chrobert and the first Proper Break Up, which is personally one of my least favourite eras as far as Aaron and Robert are concerned and I spend most of it wanting to silently and furiously throw sharp objects at my tv screen. I MAY NOT BE AS SUBTLE ABOUT MY DISLIKE AS I COULD BE, TO BE HONEST.

But still, this has been therapeutic, and has reminded me that we’ve lived through many a Dark Age before.

Anyway, everyone loves a good bit of low-key saltiness don’t they? And also, in amongst all the… Lachlan stuff… there’s still some really wonderful moments, because of course there are. It’s Aaron and Robert.

I love you all. Thank you for your kind comments and likes/kudos/general loveliness. Enjoy.

Part Four: The Real Deal

16. 15th April 2015

So we pick up with things happening with Lachlan that I’m not even going to pretend to care about. Robert is distracted, Aaron is back from the hospital and Paddy and Chas are both Very Unsatisfied by this whole goddamn bitch of a situation. Anyway - the important thing is, in among all this stuff, Lachlan’s dad Donny comes back, which is only enjoyable if you enjoy seeing Robert irrationally hate people out of sheer jealousy (which I do, so here I am).

In the midst of all this, Aaron and Robert are not actually talking, according to Aaron, who is staring sadly at his phone in wait.  

(At the same time as this is happening, Vic and Adam agree to go on a double date with Finn and the bloke he’s seeing and I scream a thousand screams of actual agony because when will they go on a double date with Aaron and Robert what the ACTUAL HELL)

(…moving on)

Anyway, Robert rocks up at the Woolpack to visit Aaron, who is still annoyed that Robert has been ignoring his messages and expresses this. Robert explains that Donny has turned up, Aaron asks if Robert’s jealous and Robert pulls this great ~offended~ face, as if that’s not exactly what’s happening. Aaron teases Rob a little bit to try and lighten the mood but Robert still kind of looks grumpy, so Aaron gets the hump and tells Robert to call him when he’s ready to talk. As he leaves, Robert looks all sad and guilty. It’s so hard maintaining two romantic relationships at once, isn’t it Robert? Poor angel.

How long did it last? Less than a day. Probably minutes, honestly. Robert had probably text Aaron with a wink face and a flirty joke before he even got out of the door.

But on screen, the very next day we see them at the scrapyard, literally just standing around and making out next to a rusty old van. Robert checks his watch to keep an eye on the time (lest Chrissie get suspicious) and Aaron comments that Robert has yet to have a go at him today - an odd occurrence given how moody Robert has obviously been lately. Robert laughs and explains that it’s Donny (TO WHICH AARON REPLIES “IT’S AARON, ACTUALLY”. AARON DINGLE KING OF HUMOUR). Robert goes on to talk about his annoyance at Donny’s general presence, because he’s clearly jealous and worried that he’s going to start making moves on Chrissie. Aaron, understandably, is about as sympathetic as an imminently dying person might be towards someone who sneezed once 5 hours ago and points out the absurd irony that Robert is worried about Chrissie cheating.

Robert doesn’t quite dignify that observation with a response, but simply apologises because he’s aware that him moaning about his marriage to his lover is probably not the smoothest of moves. He dials the pretty charm up to 560 and tells Aaron that they should meet tonight and go on a big romantic date with food and drinks and that Aaron should wear a suit (OK HE SAYS “PUT SOMETHING DECENT ON” BUT THIS OBVIOUSLY MEANS SUIT IT’S ROCK SOLID CANON THAT ROBERT LITERALLY FALLS OVER HIMSELF AT THE SIGHT OF AARON IN A SUIT SO) and that he might even be able to wrangle them an entire night together. He leaves and Aaron watches him go, biting back the smallest little smile because he’s all excited. Well. That will disappear soon.

Who came crawling back first? I don’t know they literally went from Aaron walking out to the two of them snogging. It was obviously Robert though.

How little did they mean it? 0/5 I mean why even ask at this point

17. 16th April 2015 - 17th April 2015

So, Aaron goes home after work and gets ready for his date with Robert. He’s not wearing a suit and I’m upset about it. Probably for the best though, because Robert has literally gone home and immediately dragged Chrissie into bed because he is the dictionary definition of “insatiable”, with the intent of spending the night with her. Has he already forgotten what he just said to Aaron? Stop double booking your dates Robert, you literal butthole.

Robert sort of neglects to mention his self-inflicted change of plans to Aaron, who ends up waiting around in the Woolie and leaving an angry voicemail with Robert, who obviously still hasn’t turned up. Luckily, Chas comes along to provide an excellent distraction, when she reveals that James has cheated on her. Cain barges in shortly afterwards and both he and Aaron look ready to punch all the things.

Aaron walks out (or hobbles - he’s still on crutches following his accident) and gets almost accidentally pushed to the floor by Paddy. Paddy notices the Face of Thunder™ Aaron is wearing and asks what’s wrong. Aaron fills him in about James and just sort of looks fed up with life. To rub salt into an already gaping wound, Robert rocks up with Chrissie, heading towards the pub, for the date night that he and Aaron were supposed to have, because apparently it’s ASSHOLE WEEK AND ROBERT IS THE NUMBER ONE PARTICIPANT DO YOU MIND ROBERT YOU’RE MAKING YOUR BOYFRIEND SAD YOU FLIPPING BAGEL BITE OH MY GOD

It’s at this point that I’m remembering why I never rewatch this particular era in their storyline.

Anyway, Aaron limps off, even angrier still, and snaps at a following Paddy to leave him be. Back at the pub, Aaron bumps into James, who is going through the ‘collecting his stuff’ stage of the break up. James tries to apologise and Aaron calls him a little muppet, growls a bit and refuses to let him leave.

James snaps and says that Aaron gets a free pass with Chas for every mistake he makes, which he understands because Aaron is her son, but - to quote James - “boy, do you need it”. Well, James isn’t wrong. In perfect soap timing, Robert chooses this moment to walk into the pub with Chrissie, still on the date he was supposed to take Aaron on. Aaron and James’ fight escalates, Aaron follows him out into the pub and catches sight of Robert and Chrissie, James calls him a coward who can’t face up to his actions and Aaron just snaps, grabs an ENTIRE FUCKING WINE BOTTLE and bottles James over the head.

In front of a lot of witnesses.

James gets back up and they start arguing again, but Cain keeps them separate and forces James to leave. Robert gets up with the intent of “doing something” to help, having completely forgotten about Chrissie’s presence in the face of Aaron doing something stupid, but Chrissie immediately forces him to sit back down. Chas comes out, Pete rocks up, it’s a whole thing, there’s a lot of arguing and Aaron just really looks like he wants a fight. You’re on crutches son, be good to yourself.

Anyway, other stuff happens. Donny gets beaten up and Aaron gets questioned by the police because he literally assaulted James in front of like 50 witnesses. Luckily, James gives Aaron an alibi for the police and he’s free to go.

How long did it last? Bloody forever

Who came crawling back first? Robert. Obviously. Robert drives up to the village to talk to Aaron and apologises for standing him up the night before. It’s the worst apology I’ve ever heard and Robert seems mostly perplexed that Aaron doesn’t want to both forgive him and hear about his dramas with Donny trying to steal Chrissie or whatever.

A few days later, Robert goes to find Aaron at the scrapyard and apologise. This scene mostly exists for Aaron to tell Robert that he’s seen Donny for the first time and overheard a dodgy call, which sends Robert back to Home Farm to #expose Donny to Chrissie once and for all.

More stuff happens with Donny. Ross and Chrissie flirt and I cry over their absurdly good sexual chemistry. Other stuff happens with Donny and he tries to steal Lachlan from the village or whatever. Sadly, he fails. Chrissie takes this as a cue to have Donny brutally murdered or some shit and Robert finds this to be the best turn on in the world and god help me I literally love everything about them despite myself. They’re like the Ultimate Evil Scheming Power Couple of Emmerdale, except Robert is utterly in love with someone else and Chrissie deserves better.

Also at some point Bob makes Robert a cake and sings him Happy Birthday. I understand this has nothing to do with anything, but it felt important to point out.

How little did they mean it? I mean, as much as it didn’t even sound like a break up when it happened, a damn lot, a whole flipping 5/5.

The show has, at this point, basically decided that Home Farm week never happened and it’s Chrobert’s time to shine. At one point Robert goes to the pub while Aaron is there sitting pretty in the background and has a secret meeting with ROSS BARTON. They don’t even make eyes at each other, this era sucks.

Speaking of, Ross gleefully spills to Chrissie that Robert set up the Home Farm raid. She confronts Robert, he thinks she’s found out about Aaron, but nope. Just the original shit he pulled. She yells and then he yells and then Robert goes off to confront Ross and Aaron appears and Robert doesn’t even give him a flirty look and I just want this era to end.

Robert ends up with Diane, who insists that he stay with her in the pub. Aaron walks in to find Robert looking pathetic and STILL NOT TRYING TO BANG HIM

AND THEY ARGUE AS IF THEY NEVER WERE EVEN IN LOVE BECAUSE ROBERT IS ANGRY ABOUT LOSING CHRISSIE AND AARON IS ANGRY AT ROBERT FOR BEING A DICK AND THEN AARON THREATENS TO TELL CHRISSIE EVERYTHING AND ROBERT SAYS “YOU’RE NOTHING TO ME” AND EVERYTHING HURTS ME IT’S NOT EVEN GOOD ANGST™

They’re literally sleeping under the same roof and not talking OR banging.

It’s absurd and it’s offensive.

At the prospect of having to actually live with Robert, Aaron asks Paddy to borrow some money so that he can leave the village for a bit and get some thoroughly undramatic and much needed peace. He changes his mind though, and has a great chat with Chas about Robert and Carl and Aaron is absolutely resolute that he’s finished with Robert, regardless of whether he comes crawling back for more.

Later on, Robert has literally changed his tune entirely and tries to get back into Aaron’s good books. Aaron gives him a shove, tells him they’re done. Robert apologises, says he shouldn’t have pushed Aaron away, but Aaron stays true to his word and doesn’t give in.

Oh man, yeah. This is a Break Up.

Luckily, knowing what we know about these two, it may be Over For Now, but it is in no way Over For Good.

Honourable Mention #10: 11th May 2015 - 14th May 2015

Fast forward a bit. Robert and Aaron are still living under the same roof and still haven’t banged again, which is entirely unrealistic, but hey - good for Aaron. I guess. Speaking of Aaron, he literally grabs a paper and sticks it down in front of Robert, telling him to find his own place and move on. Robert, who is sitting at the bar looking thoroughly depressed, uses his Soft Aaron Voice and asks if they can go and talk somewhere. Aaron tells him to not be a prat and walks away.

CAN I JUST POINT OUT HOW GOOD ALL OF THIS COULD HAVE BEEN IF THE SHOW WANTED TO ADMIT THAT EITHER OF THEM EVER HAD FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER BEYOND “NICE DICK” BECAUSE IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO. GOOD. INSTEAD, THEY DON’T AND I’M MOSTLY JUST MAD.

ON PAPER IT SOUNDS LIKE THERE SHOULD BE ALL THIS SEXUAL TENSION AND ANGST AND IT SHOULD BE BEAUTIFUL. IT’S NOT. DON’T WATCH IT TO TRY AND PROVE ME WRONG. ALL YOU’LL END UP WITH IS DISAPPOINTMENT.

The next day, Robert is meeting with Rakesh, because despite Robert’s best efforts, Chrissie still wants to divorce him. She’s still upset about that whole Home Farm break in thing. Bummer. Aaron walks in on the meeting and refuses to leave, gloats, gets a good couple of digs in… generally looks like he’s having a very satisfying time winding Robert up. Robert reacts to this all by getting steaming drunk. Aaron finds him and takes him back to the Woolpack, gets him a coffee and takes care of him, because Aaron is a good person and also still completely in love with Robert.

Robert apologises sincerely, talks about how much being alone terrifies him and tries to kiss Aaron. Aaron pushes Robert away and walks out. Chas sees the kiss and freaks out once more that Aaron and Robert are going to end up together. I’m telling you - give Chas a detective show or a psychic certification because she’s NEVER WRONG ABOUT THIS STUFF.

Chas and Paddy confront Aaron once more and he decides to sort out the living-with-Robert situation once and for all - and goes to pay a visit to Chrissie.

Blinding red herring - here we are, getting ready to see Aaron reveal the affair, but instead Aaron goes to Chrissie and basically convinces her to give Robert another chance and my heart shatters to little pieces because oh my god, Aaron just wants to be away from Robert, knows that if Robert stays they’ll end up getting back together and it’s just sad ok it’s sad and I’m sad.

The scene is amazing though. Aaron really sells it and it’s fascinating. He goes back to the Woolie to find a now sober and hungover Robert, who is absolutely not in the mood for Aaron to have it out with him again about moving out. Aaron explains what he’s done to Robert. Chrissie appears just in time to overhear their conversation. It all starts off great, then Robert starts bitching and Aaron admits that he flat out lied to Chrissie and ultimately, Chrissie locks Robert in a barn and pretends to set it on fire.

Seems reasonable.

Ah yeah and lest we forget - that’s exactly the way his mother died.

God they’re terrible to each other.

Anyway - a fascinating little sidenote to this particular honourable mention: Robert, in another desperate attempt to get Chrissie back, tells her that he knows he does stupid things, hurts the people he loves, manipulates, etc. and that he’ll change. She almost believes him, until he accidentally drops the massive cheque she gave him as a settlement and frantically reaches down to grab it, proof that more than anything, Robert cares about her money. There are so many similarities between this and the conversation Robert will have with Aaron about how he wants to change and be better for Aaron - except that with Aaron he honestly, genuinely means it.

He’s nowhere near there yet though. He does, however, go back to the Woolpack to find Aaron and they have a conversation - one of the first probably almost civil conversations since they split up.

Robert asks Aaron to run away with him. They’ll take the cheque Chrissie gave him and make a fresh start somewhere else, together. Aaron says that if Robert had been asking this a few weeks ago, Aaron would already be out of the door with his bags packed and ready to go. Now though - now he’s lost his trust in Robert and more than that, knows that wherever they go, even with Robert not being with Chrissie, they still won’t be able to be openly in a relationship because Robert still isn’t ready to come out.

Because, and this is important, Robert has spent all this time not with Chrissie, with Chrissie seemingly firmly out of the picture, and he and Aaron still haven’t become a proper couple - which is something I think Aaron had really put his hopes on, deep down - that the person getting between them was Chrissie, more than Robert himself.

Aaron asks Robert to go out into the bar and tell everyone, to “say it proud” and of course, Robert isn’t in the right place to do it. Aaron says that all he wants is for Robert to not be in his face 24/7 and tells him to “do one” (ah boy, I’ve missed that phrase) and storms off.

Honourable Mention #11: May 2015 - June 2015

FAST FORWARD SOME MORE. Robert and Chrissie get back together because Robert and Lachlan are like best buddies at this point and Lachlan helps out. It’s adorable in the sense that Ryan and Louise have lovely chemistry, but you know, whatever.

Robert breaks the news to Aaron and is all “no hard feelings” which Aaron quite rightly laughs off because What. The. Hell. Ah Robert, you dingbat. You can try to pretend like what you had with Aaron meant nothing but we all know the truth son. WE KNOW THE TRUTH.

He’s so good at lying to himself, isn’t he?

Aaron gets distracted by more Adam and Victoria drama, which is great. Anyway, on the day Victoria and Adam are supposed to move in together, Vic finds out that Adam had a one night stand with Vanessa and may have knocked her up. Aaron is a supportive friend and Robert appears to have the sweetest conversation with Victoria and be a supportive brother.

I say sweetest, but the whole thing is literally him suggesting she get her revenge.Whatever, it’s still sweet. Robert decides the best way to do this is to use some of his dodgy contacts to try and get Adam arrested because of course that’s how Robert responds to things.

Anyway, this is all to set the scene for Robert’s sudden and visceral hatred of Adam Barton. Vic and Adam reunite and decide to run off together with the intent of getting married. Robert… does not take this well.

So. Short and sweet (…in a way). I’m ending this here so that I can get it out of my drafts and move on to the next post, because this entire thing was written about two months ago and has been sitting untouched ever since. Tragic. So, onwards to the next part - which, coincidentally, is my all-time favourite era and also, let’s be honest, possibly the worst robron break-up to exist in this day and age so far.

(AND FOREVER MORE I DO NOT WANT LODGE PART TWO DO U HEAR ME UNIVERSE? NO. ONCE WAS PLENTY.)

That’s right kiddies. It’s The Lodge.

#the robron rejection compendium #robron #ed

[whoinwhoville]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Doctor Who (2005), Broadchurch Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Alec Hardy/Rose Tyler Characters: Alec Hardy, Rose Tyler Additional Tags: pregnancy!fic, Flu, happy bloody valentine's day, UST, married, Fluff Series: Part 5 of ClosedVerse, Part 2 of Whoville's Follower Milestone Celebration Summary:

It's one week after that Bloody Valentine's Day, and Rose has passed the flu along to Alec. Talk about a mini-break gone wrong.

Written for @pipertennant, winner of the Alec x Rose ficlet for my Follower Milestone fic drawing. Her prompt was Getaway Gone Wrong

Rose startled as Alec sneezed, drawn-out and thunderous.

“I can not bloody believe this.” Alec flopped back onto the pillow. A scattering of toxic tissues littered the floor next to the bed where he’d missed the little bin.

Rose sat on the edge of the mattress and smoothed his fever-droopy hair off of his forehead. “I’m so, so sorry. I feel responsible. I gave this bug to you.”

“Stop that. You’re not responsible.” He smirked, and then groaned.

She withdrew her hand and sighed. “You know what I mean, Alec. Don’t be a prat.”

“Sorry. I’m not mad at you.” Alec took her hand and kissed it. “At least I can’t give it back to you.”

“I really wish Torchwood had the antidote for this one. Sorry to say this, but it’s going to get a lot worse before you start to feel better.”

“Well you had better tell them to get of their arses and get working on that antidote yesterday. You seem to have some pull over there.” Alec cracked a smile even though his eyes were closed.

Rose crawled over him to the other side of the bed. She punched the fluffy the goose-down pillow and propped herself against the elegant, carved headboard. “This room is amazing. Didn’t know about this place. You did good, DI Hotty.”

“Yeah, and I can’t enjoy it. No moonlight beach walks. No 99s. Bloody flu. Bloody non-cancelation policy at the hotel. I want to go home, Rose.” He coughed, and then wheezed, and then coughed again.

“You’re too sick to go home. You can get pampered here. Order room service, soak in that huge tub, watch all the telly you want.”

“You know I hate telly. Bloody waste of time.”

“Just saying…” She crossed her arms and pursed her lips. “Not like there’s anything else you can be doing right now. You couldn’t be at work anyway, so how is it wasting time?”

He harrumphed and flopped onto his side, facing away from her.

“Alec, can’t you even try to rest? I know you feel wretched, but don’t take it out on me.”

“You took it out on me when you had the flu!”

“Oh, so we’re gonna do this, then? Tit for tat? Even Steven? A bit juvenile, if you ask me.” Rose sighed hard and closed her eyes. It was her turn to sigh.

They were both quiet for a while, and the room was silent until Rose started to flip through the room service menu.

“Want something to eat?”

“Soup. And hot tea. And both will be rubbish. Too much salt in the soup. And no one makes tea as good as you.”

Rose half smiled. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me since you spiked that fever.”

Alec again rolled on to his side, but this time he faced his wife. “I’m being a bastard.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. But you aren’t very pleasant to be around right now. If you weren’t honestly sick, I’d say you had Man Flu.”

“There is no such thing as Man Flu.”

“Sorry. That was rude. But I’m trying my best to make this easier for you, DI. I really am.”

“I know.” He coughed and then groaned. “I wanted to make up for the shoddy Valentine’s Day. You had flu. I didn’t get you anything. I—“

“Alec, don’t. You didn’t have to do this you know, book this mini-break. I never thought of this as trying to make up for Valentine’s Day.”

He was quiet.

“There wasn’t anything to make up for. I liked our Valentine’s Day. Jammie Dodgers and curry? Near the top of my list of favourite things. The only bad part was the flu bit.”

He nodded gingerly, eyes closed. “So not a do-over, then. But this is the truth. I did it because I wanted to do something nice for my lovely wife who puts up with my moods and irritation and complaints on a daily basis.”

Rose kissed his cheek and stretched out next to him. She rested her head on his chest and listened to his steady heartbeat.

He threaded his fingers through her soft hair and let out an exhausted sigh.

“What would be doing right now if you didn’t have a fever of 102?” Rose asked against his chest.

He pondered for a moment. “It’s almost eight, so right about now, we are being seated for dinner. Candle light. Champagne. Strawberries dipped in real chocolate, not the chalky fake kind.”

“Oi! Are you ever going to give that a rest? That was the first and last time I ever bought that.”

“I’ll never stop teasing you about that.”

She laughed quietly. “What next?”

“And after dinner, there we will be dancing in the glass-domed conservatory.”

“What are you wearing?” she asked.

“There’s a dress code at the restaurant, so I’m in my nicest suit — nothing I ever wear to work. It’s the one I wore to our wedding.”

“Blue tie, or red?”

“Red.”

She hummed happily. “I like that one.”

“What are you wearing?” he asked.

“I am wearing that black cocktail dress that I wore to the Torchwood Christmas party.”

“Sexy. I like that dress because I can feel your back while we’re dancing. Can slip my hands under the fabric. And it’s got that low cut bit up front.”

“Knew you liked it.”

“What shoes?” he asked.

“You do have a thing for shoes, don’t you?”

“Heels show off your brilliant running legs.”

“Four inch stilettos. They get me closer to your lips.”

Alec scratched her scalp. “Cheeky. What colour are they?”

“Shiny red. The bloke who sold them to me said they made my legs look good.“

Alec quietly grunted, and Rose laughed quietly. “Jealous?”

“Always.”

“Don’t be. And these don’t hurt—“

He completed her thought. “They don’t hurt your feet. On the other hand, you won’t have to kick them off and play footsie under the table.“ Alec laughed, but it turned into a racking coughing spell.

“Oh, love. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.” Rose lifted her head and looked at him with sad eyes.

He encouraged her to return her head to his chest. “After we dance for a while, we’ll go into the bar for a nightcap. I’ll have a glass of sparkling water with lime, and you can have whatever you want. You know what they say about too much drink and sexual performance for men.”

“I doubt you could ever have that particular problem,” Rose growled as she stroked the smattering of hair on his chest.

“But remember, I’ve already had Champagne. Don’t want to tempt fate. And I want to be in my right mind when I make love to you. Want to memorise every single curve and dimple and soft and warm delicious part of you.”

Rose breathed in and out. “Not fair. This is worse than sexting. Because you’re here, and we can’t do anything about it because you’ve got the flu. You’re a tease.”

He chuckled. “Always. Teasing pays off most of the time.”

She buried her face into his chest, and breathed in the scent of his soap, but grimaced a bit as he also smelt of sweat and flu. “I’m glad we came here. Even though you have the flu, it’s still brilliant to get away.”

“Been too long.”

“Let’s do this again? But when you’re not flat on your back with the flu.”

“A non-Valentine’s do-over do-over?”

“Exactly.” Rose hesitated for a minute. “We’d better get in all of the minibreaks that we can before October.”

“What’s happening in October?”

Rose paused to chew her lip. She stilled her hand. “I was going to wait until dinner tonight, but since we aren’t going to dinner…” Her voice trailed off.

“Sorry about dinner. Never been to a Michelin two star restaurant before.”

“Never mind. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should wait. You’re sick and this is important, and—“

“You’ve piqued my interest now. No going back. I could investigate. My powers of interrogation are nearly always successful.” He coughed again. “Care to confess before I begin what will certainly not be a pleasant process.”

“Usually your interrogations are extremely pleasant. I happen to know you brought your cuffs.”

“Always on duty. I don’t go anywhere without them.”

“How well I know. Came in handy in my storage room.”

“Stop stalling.”

Rose hesitated for a moment, and then rolled off of the bed. She padded across the thick carpet to her suitcase. After digging around a bit, she returned to the bed, but stood still as a statue, her face flushing. She breathed in and out a few times.

“Would you hurry it up woman?” Alec said it as strongly as he could in his weakened state.

“Sorry. I’m nervous. I don’t know what you’re going to think about this. It’s unexpected and frankly, I’m shocked because, well, it was supposed to be 99.9% effective.”

From behind her back, she produced a small parcel wrapped in light blue tissue. It was wrapped like a piece of sweet candy, each end tied with pink ribbon. She climbed onto the bed, and sat on her knees. Biting her lip, she held it out to him.

Alec’s eyes went wide. He sat up as well as he could before he took the package from her outstretched hand. One bow was released as he tugged the tail, and then the second fell free. Without tearing the paper, he unrolled the tissue.

“You’re…?” Alec pulled out a tiny pair of baby booties.

She nodded. “Pregnant. Yeah.” She picked at her fingernails and nodded. Her eyes began to glisten.

“And you’re upset?” he asked, voice small.

She shook her head, and bit back a smile. “Not hardly. I didn’t know what you’d think about it.”

With more strength than a man with the flu should have, he grabbed her hand and tugged her down to him. He peppered her face with kisses. “How could I ever be upset?” He kissed the top of her head, and placed his hand low on her back. “So when do you think it happened?”

“Hard to tell. You’re always jumping my bones,” she teased.

“I do not jump your bones. It’s not my fault you’re so incredibly irresistible.”

“I like to think it happened when we went on that walk in the snow to the gazebo.”

“You were shivering. It was my duty as a husband to warm you up.” He cleared his throat a few times, and then grabbed a tissue. “Clothes-on sex is hot.”

“Speaking of hot. We need to stop talking about this. I’m getting… hot.”

“Bloody flu.”

#alec x rose #broadwho #closedverse #whoville follower milestone #gift fic #teninchfic #pipertennant #fluff #grumpy alec #really grumpy alec #pregnancy!fic #pregnancy #married!fic

[musingsofanangryginger]

31 Days of Horror 2017 Round up

Hello and welcome to the fruits of my labour. Below is a list and mini-reviews of each thing I watched during my 31 days of Horror. Some reviews are a bit beefier than others but I hope you enjoy nonetheless.

Day 1: The Invisible Man:

So I decided to start my horror by going old school…very old school, like 50 years before I was born old school. Back the 30’s Universal had a chain of monster movies which by today’s standards might be considered a bit on the tame side but from what’ve seen of that era and this one, this film stands up. So unlike the big-budget remake Hollow Man (come on now it is a remake), there is no transformation scene but instead, we meet our character after the damage has been done and we join him through his journey and his descent into madness which is excellently portrayed by Claude Raines.

Day 2: Shaun of the Dead: 

After telling a few folks at work about watching this as part of my 31 days of Horror they immediately claimed it was horror. I respectfully disagreed, at least I think it was respective. Yes, of course, it falls way more into the comedy genre but it’s very clearly a horror comedy. I can’t imagine that there are folks that have yet to see this film but for the uninitiated, Shaun’s life is going nowhere fast, content to frequent the same pub over and over, stuck in a dead-end job (Pun count 2) his lady kicks him to curb. Turns out you need a good zombie outbreak to give you that motivational boost. Directed by Edgar Wright and penned by Simon Pegg & Wright and what’s delivered a genre comedy which wears its love of that genre on its sleeve. Hilarious, Gory with some emotionally powerful punches throughout. If for some reason you’ve been in a bunker with the Mole Women your excuses are limited as to why you’ve never seen this slice of fried gold.

 Day 3: Gerald’s Game:

 King’s back in a big way thanks to the success of IT and so it seems there appears to be some clambering to get his work adapted, this one such effort being a Netflix offering. Directed by Mike “Oculus” Flanagan we’re treated to minimalist horror which takes place for the most part in a single room with some passionate naughtyness goes tit’s up (Pun machine). This is bolstered by two great performances by Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood. Unsettling and just that little bit harrowing this was an enjoyable surprise. I don’t want to elaborate too much on this one as I feel that going in blind is the key. I will say that Mike Flanagan has the uncanny ability to creep me out with violence. What I mean by this, is that I’m so ridiculously desensitised to film gore and violence that media would probably label me and some kind of mental. In 2 of Mike’s films to date, I’ve shuddered and shivered one being this and the other the aforementioned Oculus which is also brilliant. I also completely recommend Hush as well.

Day 4: Red State:

Again another debateable horror. I firmly plant this in the horror genre as it completely uses so many of the tropes. There’s the young high school guys looking to get laid and it going badly. By badly I don’t mean “oops an std and a paternity test” no I mean kidnapped by fanatics and faced with their deaths. Where this is different is that it twists all over the place it hardly gives you time to catch your breath. I loved how Kevin Smith described writing this, he said that each time the plot got familiar he skewed off in a different direction to what would be expected and it shows. Fitting in with the “this is horror” claim by myself there is an extremely unsettling vibe in the first half of the film that is perpetrated by the late great Michael Parks. Good god, his sermon monologue is downright terrifying. Brrrrr. One of Smith’s best films and a genre I think he should revisit….well of course there is Tusk. Ha ha Tusk.

Day 5: Ash Vs The Evil Dead (Episodes 1-3): 

 I had seen the first 2 eps a while back so decided to get some of this watched again. This harkens back to the brilliance of Evil Dead 2 (more on that later). Here the idiotic but pretty capable Ash sets loose the deadites once more to the gratuitously gory delight of fans and newcomers alike.  It’s hard not to love Bruce Campbell, He’s a genuinely charismatic presence. This is a show I desperately need to catch up with and feel there’s no excuse that I haven’t. I’m sorry!

Day 6: The Autopsy of Jane Doe:

It may be creepy to say, it may be weird to say, but I’m in love this film. These days you’d be very hard pressed to come across decent horror films which is sad. It’s a genre that has been limping along since the 70’s. Every once in a while though you get that gem that one in a thousand film that comes along and says “Boo” and you squeal. This is not one of these films. “But Mark” I hear you say “You seem to have bigged this film up” Why you backtracking. Oh contraire readers of mine, this here is the finest examples of the genre in last several years. The point I’m making is that it relies very little on the “Jump scare” formula and instead treats you a murder mystery with Horror along for the ride.

In wake of a horrific crime a body is found with no Id and who has no real ties to the crime that can be ascertained. It’s up to the Coroner and his son uncover why she was there, I will say no more. I felt that going into Gerald’s Game completely blind was the way to go, Jane Doe, I'd recommend a sensory deprivation tank of ignorance before going near this. Don’t even read the back of the dvd/blu ray case or google it. No trailers nothing, just rest in the knowledge that this film is entirely worth it. Creepy and gripping throughout with scares and revelations coming in equal amounts. Trust me when I tell you, you’ll want to know how this wraps up.

Day 7: The Scream Trilogy: 

20 years ago this series of films kicked off (technically 21 but who’s counting…oh wait I appear to be sorry!) 20 years since the immortal “What’s your favourite scary movie” line became engrained in popular culture. The premise was simple a killer who had seen waaaaay too many horror films went a bit of a slaughter. Their knowledge of movie trivia is used against unwilling victims…crap, this person sounds a bit like me. Don’t worry folks I use my trivia for good or at the very most to annoy folks slightly. So with the decline of the horror movie genre or more accurately during its current dip Scream was released in an attempt revitalise the industry and to be fair it did. It spawned 3 sequels (with 4th coming out way later) and a current TV series. Like the killer, this franchise stayed alive longer than it should’ve. While 2 was probably my favourite of the original trilogy, this was due to the fact that I owned it on VHS and watched it constantly and that, of course, Sarah Michelle Gellar was in it (What can I say I had a crush on Buffy), I also really like the first one. 3rd is a bit pants but has its moments, notably Parker Posey playing Gail Weathers is hilarious and Kennedy’s cameo is also great. It’s clear though that quite ironically that by the 3rd this franchise was pretty stale. Doesn’t seem to be able to stop it though!

Day 8: The Void: 

This film is absolutely MENTAL. A clear homage to the body horrors of the 80’s with the clearest being references to Hellraiser I felt, this starts off relatively sane and then skips down Insanity Drive, Crazy Avenue with a brief stop-over in Gross-ville. The films kicks off with a bloody bloke popping out the woods conveniently in front of a Sheriff’s car. The Sheriff takes him along to the local hospital where the weird begins. Cultists stop the folk from leaving and from there; well I won’t say too much more.  I will say right out of the gate that this is most certainly not for everyone, most notably my good lady Evonne. She hated it with the passion of a fiery star. I, on the other hand, enjoyed the unhinged nature, body horror creepy vibe. Give it a bash if you’re looking for some nostalgic originality.

Day 9: Slither: 

Before James Gunn was fanboying the crap out of Guardians of the Galaxy he made a horror comedy called Slither. This stars the always likable and charismatic Nathan Fillion as a small town sheriff having to deal with an alien invasion. Much like The Void, this seems to homage the body horror of old with truly Cronenbergian creatures, but unlike The Void this is flat out hilarious. All characters stretch their comedy legs keeping the laughs coming thick and fast but the stand out character for me is Mayor Jack McCready played by Gregg Henry. His intro as a crass a$$hole (there really is no better way of describing him) is comic gold and each time he’s on screen he kills it. I feel that this is a film that everyone should see once because it’s brilliant. Yes, there is a lack of articulation in that sentence so let me just say, It’s gross, a bit violent but extremely funny.

Day 10: Cannibal The Musical:

I want you to read that title again and know a few things. 1. It is not made up and 2 and one of my favourite things, of which there many, about this film, is that it is based on the True story of Alfred Packer. On their way to seek riches in a Colorado gold mine, a party lead by Packer end up being snacks for the would-be guide. Or so it would appear. I know what you’re thinking, this doesn’t sound funny. What if I was to tell you this was made by the guys responsible for South Park. I first caught this on Channel 4 back in the late 90’s as part of a Troma film season. It played late night and with good reason, within the first few moments, the blood and gore flowed in gratuitous and over the top fashion. Of course, that was nothing compared to when the songs began. Much of this can be considered a blueprint of the tropes that would end up furnishing the long-running and widely popular South Park. Poking fun at almost everything in the genre including but not limited Alfred Packer’s lost love Leighanne, it gleefully bashes all kind of clichés, notably of the musical numbers and horror variety. With musical earworms, you’ll find harder to get out of your head than human flesh out your teeth and many numerous comedic moments this is worth your time… or at the least is certainly worth mine, again!

Day 11: Dawn of the Dead (2004):

Oh man do I remember the uproar when this was announced: “Arrrrgh you can’t remake a classic, rah, rah rah etc.” Of course Hollywood was like “Shut it, ya pr!cks” but no doubt in a less Scottish vernacular. What we were presented with was a remake that paid homage to original but was in its own right also original. First off there is no shuffling but full pelt Zombies tanking it after folks, to the point where this out of shape chubby ginger bloke would be a Zombie entre, and while 28 Days Later may have had the same trope 6 years prior Danny Boyle is adamant the 28 Day’s Later is NOT a zombie film so Kudos to Zack. There is a larger group as opposed to original’s 4 which makes for a better character dynamic and there is care when likable characters go bye bye and catharsis when the bad characters join them. This is fairly relentless from the get-go, takes less than 10 minutes to get to speed and opening scene sets you up for a great movie. Potentially get some flak from DC folks over this but I maintain this is Zack Snyder’s best film. It’s Violent, Gory, Action packed as well as funny and emotional at all the right bits. Enjoy!

Day 12 Curve, Night of the Slasher, Blinky & Breathe: 

On the 12th day of Halloween, my true love gave to me 4 GOLDEN SHORTS. Yes I know I’m off on the song and the lyrics but I just can’t seem to care! So I’ll break these down Short by short without going too much into depth because too much means “why would you watch it?” 

Curve is the story of a girl who wakes up Clinging to a smooth, curved surface high above a sentient abyss. What more do I have to say about this that doesn’t have you intrigued; let’s just say that despite the simplicity, it’s very very tense. 

Night of the Slasher is shot in a single take and follows a young lady looking to violate the code of horror by committing all the sins in order to confront her would be killer. This wears its John Carpenter influences all over its blood-soaked sleeve. 

Blinky is the only Short I’d seen prior. The story a young boy and his robot who “just wants to be your friend”. Only he might be the most stable of friends, pretty sure we all have a fair share of those (if not you're obviously the mental one) I do love this short immensely. Emotional and a bit sad and pretty creepy.

Finally Breathe a very short piece in which a ghost who a young gentleman is enamored with, only appears when he holds his breath. Given how short this is I won’t say too much, but I will say it’s quite effective for the runtime.

Day 13: The Babysitter: 

This dropped on Netflix on the same evening and I thought I’d give it a bash. The film follows your standard nerd, bullied, disliked, my childhood before I became the cool hip awesome bloke you all know and love etc etc. The only person who treats him with a modicum of respect is his hot too good to be true, nerd sympathising Orthodontist....pffft, of course, it’s his Babysitter. On a standard evening of Babysitting our Nerd-do-well spies some truly nefarious dealings which features his favourite babysitter and things go pear-shaped. Hijinks and some pretty gratuitous violence are unleashed. A film that doesn't take itself remotely seriously and quite fun. The only pitfall is the shite acting, but I’m not sure if this is a stylistic choice or laziness. All cards on the table I enjoyed this film, though a bit silly, it was a good laugh.

Day 14: Christine: 

How many folks reading this have films that make you smile, that warm you no matter the genre. The equivalent of a comfort blanket? This is one such blanket for me, This here is one of my favourite Carpenter movies and Stephen King adaptation. This is a childhood classic for me and yes I was no doubt way too young to watch it but I’m so glad I did. This just your age-old typical tale of Boy meets car, boy falls in love with car, car turns out to be sentient and evil. No of course on paper this sounds guff and not too dissimilar to King's disastrous foray into Directing “Maximum Overdrive”, though trust me when I say this isn't that. What sets them apart is the creepy vibe present in Christine which is achieved by the acting talent with particular note of the leads decent into madness. The special effects are awesome and practically done and despite being 34 years old have aged better than me. My favourite of these practically done effects is the Flaming car scene. This still rings out a chorus from me screaming “HOW THE FUCK WAS THIS DONE?” The neighbours are not as appreciative as you might think. The final thread that ties this gem together is John Carpenters score. A cherished childhood memory and a long-standing favourite of mine which is yet to get old.

Day 15: Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension: 

Ahhhh the never-ending gravy train that is the Paranormal Activity franchise. By this point I assume Oren Peli is surprised that this franchise just wont rest, yet it endures. Its a very hit and miss series of films with none really capturing the originality of the first. So far I’ve not liked one of them, which was the third. The latest entry is by no means good, in fact its predictably flawed but there is an inherent difficulty keeping things fresh. This one attempts the whole 3D thing, but to be fair that is probably just an obvious attempt to squeeze that little bit of cash. Thankfully I watched it on Netflix and so I didn't have to deal with the 3D. I did however liked the explanation, in that the 3D was due to a modified camera designed to catch spectral energy. Bit flimsy I know, but better than just ignoring why a found footage series is now 3D. The story is one of those predictable flaws mentioned earlier and is on the generic side. The scares are decent but of course because the film is devoid of score builds up a background noise rumble (if you've seen any of the films, you'll know what I’m talking about) which is that cue that basically is telling you when to be scared. I hate this trope in horror films which is usually marked by the rising music. “Get ready to get scared people, woooooooh” Its false tension. If a horror film is well done it doesn't need to rely on this cheap trick. But I digress. The film was enjoyable, there’s something very gleeful in being able to see the spectral entity that the characters can't. Even if looks a tad mucus-y

Day 16: The Sixth Sense: 

A film, like the original Planet of the Apes, that everyone knows ending of. However if for some reason you’ve never managed to see this gem, I shall remain spoiler free here. So why would you watch this a second time despite knowing how it wraps? Well because it’s a very well put together creep fest and a hell of a debut from M Night Shyamalan. Yes that guy who ruined Avatar the Last Airbender. It's hard to imagine but there was a time that he was held in pretty high critical regard, his first two movies are masterworks and The Village is critically divisive but I believe its one of his most underrated films, that's right I said it, come at me, bro, and by bro I mean the internet! Also in recent years The Visit and the excellent Split has Shyamalan on a pretty clear comeback. But back to his feature debut. For those cave dwellers, the film centres on the relationship between Broken psychologist Malcolm Crowe played by Bruce Willis back when he gave a shit and Cole Sear a troubled child with the darkest of secrets. Malcolm see’s Cole as his redemption case and Cole just wants to be helped and to be rid of his curse. You see Cole is visited by some pretty darned scary spectres and he just wants to not be, which is fair enough. The two leads work very well off each other and feel for both but it the relationship between Cole and his mother that really sell this film, at it’s hear despite all the creepiness you have this Mother/son relationship which is not only believable but filled with emotional heft, I challenge you not get overwhelmed by the scene between the two in the car. Another re-watch point is absolutely fantastic score by James Newton Howard, The scares though generic these days are still quite unsettling but what makes this different from other horrors is the aforementioned emotional depth from all involved. This is a movie I’m happy to revisit.

Day 17: The Final Destination: 

This series is an extreme guilty pleasure for me. There is not much in the way of the story of depth and all follow the same generic formula, Big disaster happens or supposedly happens as standard character get the old bit premonition and stops him/her and bunch of other him’s and her’s from being part of the disaster. However given that they’ve gone and wound up Death and he’s like “NO, I’M NOT HAVING IT, THAT’S JUST NOT ON” the survivors are dispatched in creative, over the top and pretty darned gruesome fashion. This entry sees the main disaster set piece taking place at a Nascar race and after all the carnage takes place, shock, our would be protector warns a group of folks off. The deaths come thick and fast after which. This film is probably the worst of the bunch but was put on due to the relative “brain switch offedness” if afforded. There is a few highlight, the swimming pool scene, and my particular favourite Red neck + Tow Truck but this is very much a meh movie. Marred by the whole 3D inclusion the death scenes look a bit pats and very CG’d but it’s enough to switch off and enjoy.

Day 18: 30 Days of Night: 

Imagine a town where once a year there is a month of no sunrise. Now that might be unsettling in its own right but imagine that vampires discover this place exists! Buffet time and humans are the snacks. The isolation and the threat at the heart of this are simultaneously brutal and subtle. Yeah, there are some pretty spectacular set pieces but the film decides to go down a route where the fight for survival is more central. The build-up is quite slow and creepy with strange occurrences happening before we're introduced the Vampires. Carnage ensues but We spend more time with the survivors to in their claustrophobic hideout feeling just as powerless as them. The vampires are dealt with is suitably terrifying fashion, totally selling the predatory habits and ancient lineage. Very few lines of English dialogue is uttered by them, instead opting for the use of an ancient sounding language. These days in the wake of Twilight, it's hard to think of Vampires as scary creatures, this film harkens back to a time where you know you’d sh!t yourself coming face to face with one these Scary b@stards. You should also check out the source material written by Stephen Niles and drawn by Ben Templesmith. Sorry, Niles but it’s Templesmith's artwork that always draws me back, which is not to say the writing isn't good, but pick it up and you'll know what I mean.

Day 19 Holidays: 

An anthology piece around certain yearly holidays Starting with Valentine's day and culminating in New years. There are some truly dark and fuckked up shorts in this film probably taking the cake for latter is St Patrick's day & Easter. The standouts for me were Fathers Day, Valentine's day and Christmas Day. As with most anthology films there are hits and misses and a couple fall short but all in a decent little bunch if segments, like an evil Chocolate Orange!

Day 20: Fist of Jesus: 

Tonight was Games night and so I introduced my friends to the wonder of Fist of Jesus. Now, this sounds like a very dodgy title but it's not that kind of sacrilegious, it's sacrilegious in a completely different. After Jesus performs the miracle to resurrect Lazarus, things go south in an undeady type of a way. It's then up to Jesus and his bestie Judas to dispatch these strolling corpses...with lots of fish. But don't take my word for it, here are quotes from watchers:

"Made me convert to Christianity"- Archie

“Too tired, for this pish Mark!”-Evonne

“I’m at Church every Sunday now”- Liam

This is definitely worth 15 Minutes of your time!

Day 21 The Blackcoats Daughter (February): 

The danger these days with horror is to make a relentless 90 minute to 2 hour Jump scare fest and therefore make the film ultimately forgettable at its conclusion. The horror films that stick with you are the subtle slow burners that will build atmosphere throughout and only employ the jump scare periodically. You see this with the likes of The Innkeepers and It Only comes at night and in this case with February (Aka The Blackoats Daughter). From the outset, there is already something not entirely quite right and the unsettling undercurrent continues to wash over you until the film's conclusion. Often showing very little and allowing you to imagine the scenario that’s unfolded just out of eyeshot. The premise see’s a couple of young girls left at their boarding school for a winter break due to the parent’s “forgetfulness” to come and collect them in time. There is an age gap between the two ladies with youngest of the 2 going through some unsettling changes. I feel in terms of giving a synopsis that this should be enough. I suggest just going in and watching without much prior knowledge. If you prefer your horror atmospheric and slow-burning then this is the gem for you.

Day 22: The Love Witch: 

This film is stunningly shot and immediately gives you the impression you’re watching 70’s era hammer type film. While not your typical horror, it brings you in with a captivating lead and Rom-Com type of premise. Elaine (Played by Samantha Robinson) just can’t seem to make love stay. More accurately every man she falls for kind of ends up not alive, it’s pretty unlikely. Being a practicing Witch she uses her oh so considerable power and allure to reel in the unfortunate gentlemen until of course, she meets the “right” one. She then does everything she can to get him to love her back. This is a gloriously mental, at points funny kind of horror. There not full on gore for those violence hounds and there isn’t an awful lot to be scared about. It skirts the edge of “horror” very well giving you a unique experience that is likely to linger Not for all and I suspect some folks, particularly the horror aficionados may not rate this quite as highly as I do but I suggest giving it a try, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Day 23: Evil Dead 2:

Oh man, this movie fills me with a genuine sense of giddy glee whenever I think about putting it on or previous viewings that have some pretty happy memories for me. Cheesy as it sounds Movies serve for a lot of my happiest memories, taking my mum to see Marvel films, my girlfriends and I’s first date and the source of many others and my collective entourage viewings where I drag a group of my friends to see the big releases or even the tiny ones. Evil Dead 2 has particular significance in my growing up and memories with my Aunt. A day many years ago, two young folks with horror in their hearts trawled the Jack Kane centre park where a car boot sale was taking place. Through the hubbub a young Mark spots Evil Dead 2 on VHS split seconds before his Aunt Claire does and before she knows it he’s bought it from a guy, who let's be honest, shoulda checked the young Marks Id. Claire's frown slowly fades as realises what our afternoon now entails of...we’re bloody gonna watch Evil Dead 2.

I watched these films in reverse order having been shown Army of Darkness first but this is my favourite given its history. That day, as Claire and I sat in front of her tiny TV and watched this splattering of genres was a day I fondly remember and as a result will get just slightly giddy when I hear the narrator say “Necronomicon Ex Mortis, roughly translated “book of the dead” or when Ash has his maniacal laughing fit, or Henrietta in the fruit cellar or the Iconic “Groovy” and punch the air moment. Each of these moments, as well as the rest of the film, will get me goosbumpy. For those who haven't seen this (and come on if you haven't, have a word with yourself) Ash played by the always brilliant Bruce Campbell takes his lady for a romantic getaway in an isolated cabin in the woods. Of course now one draws a line in the fucking sand and Ash reads the Latin, or the latin sounding words. Either way, it's a dead language (been a while since I punned, was getting the shakes). Anyhoo this awakens something dark in woods and what follows is a blending of some excellently brilliant slapstick comedy and genuine moments of terror. It's a mix that should never work, the serious dark tone of the horror and the outlandish ridiculous humour. But man does it work and work extremely well, there's gore, dismemberment, pratfall, hands with evil intentions and a laughing mounted deer head. It's hard to express praise any higher than I already have for this film. It has a special significance to me which will won't dissipate.

Day 24: Happy Death Day: 

Groundhog Day with stabbing. Oh, you want more than that, gosh needy lot are you not! Tree Gelbman wakes up on her Birthday in a strange blokes room and goes about her standard college (University) type of day. Goes to classes, get's off with folks she's generally not supposed to until, when on the way to a party, she’s brutally dispatched. Well maybe not brutally, as the violence is pretty gosh darned tame. She then wakes up in the same boy’s bedroom...at the start of her Birthday. TIME LOOP YAAAAAAS! This rinses and repeats until the film wraps. This film could've been standard plop if not for a charismatic lead played by Jessica Rothe. She is having an absolute blast and you're along for the ride! This is a lot of fun and made me smile. My only real criticism is the lack of gore being that it's a PG-13 in the states. Now neutered horror can be good, this is a prime example but I feel my bloodlust could've been pandered to  Just a little.

Day 25: Halloween: 

Remember what I said about Evil Dead 2? I mean how could you not, its the largest chunk in this. Well, Halloween is another of those memory makers but don't worry I won't gush...too much. So yeah Black Christmas may have come first but this film is almost predominantly responsible for the slasher Horror subset of the genre, it was in the wake of this that Freddy & Jason came along (more on them later). Michael Myers is the Grandaddy of horror villains and despite treatment in recent years, started his tenure as a bloody terrifying presence. John Carpenter uses his bogeyman sparingly first, building suspense before the inevitable slaughter-fest. He stalks the poor babysitters, with Jamie Lee Curtis center stage. It still stands up because of its subtle build up, creative dispatches of those horny teens and that score. Carpenter’s scores are all pretty much iconic and sound excellent live. If you haven’t, watch this film which I was obviously too young for when I first viewed!

Day 26: Jigsaw: 

Let's get this out the way, the first Saw film is an excellent isolation thriller with a gripping story and engaging characters and with the notable exception of the 2nd film the rest of the franchise is pure shite. The films central core is completely overshadowed in the previous entries by the increasingly elaborate gore creating traps and the convoluted ways the keep using to tie each entry into it's predecessor. None have been as clever as the first. The second comes close but it is ALL downhill from there.

So was Jigsaw any good? Well it's premise is suitably intriguing with Jigsaw murders kicking back off 10 years after the franchise villain John Kramer has gone to the trap creating factory in the sky, or perhaps more likely the ground. There are obvious clues pointing to Kramer's unlikely return but something is not quite right. That is   where the smartness ends as the film find it hard to decide what it's gonna do and therefore the big "reveal" is pretty much "saw it coming". Despite my misgivings, I did enjoy this film but more in an " awwww look it's trying so hard to be as good as the first". If you want to capture that previous macabre magic of the first, strip down the budget, the location and characters and tell what seems like a simple story. I suspect there's a Hollywood exec thinking of doing the complete opposite which is why this film and any subsequent entries will ever be as good as the original.

Day 27: Tucker and Dale Vs Evil:

You know the old horror genre trope of those backward Hillbillies being those to avoid horror films cause you'll be "doomed" if you cross them? Well, prepare to have your prejudices reversed. Tucker & Dale Played by Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine respectively are off to fix up their summer cabin when these pesky kids start dying all over their property. The film pokes all kinds fun at those standard genre cliches by flipping them on their head and keeps poking fun until the end. It's violent but only in over the top to prove it's commitment to its irreverence. Laugh out load throughout and quite heartwarming at others. This is a particular favourite of mine and I'm glad I included it.

Day 28 Stranger Things Season 2 (Episodes 1-5- at the time but. season complete now): 

So we paced this. I firmly believe that binge-watching is not a good habit to get into. It's so easy to sit for 8/9 hours, or higher, straight and tank a series thanks largely to Netflix's model. The problem is that once it's done in record time...you have nothing for a year. Ordinarily, I prefer to watch 2/3 eps at a time over several days or sometimes weeks. Restraint means better enjoyment, so despite having the whole the season at your fingertips pace yourself. So now my rant is over on to How good was Stranger Things S2...VERY! Before I start gushing I'd like to address the Demogorgon in the room by saying Episode 7 haters gee yerself peace! There was absolutely nothing wrong with the episode and it's placement, Jesus they establish the fact that this will be addressed in the very first episode. It gives some much-enjoyed character development to Eleven and despite claims that it kills the pace I think it gives a needed breather, especially if you are binger. Also, anyone else I've spoken to in person very much enjoyed the episode so there is that. So this season kicks off a year after the events of the first. Will is still having a rough time of it with it being claims of him struggling with PTSD but something more sinister is present. Joyce is dating Samwise Gamgee and Nancy and & Jonathan are pretending they don't love each other and so on. Look the story is great and I could outline plot thread by plot thread but lets put it this way if you want to sit through a compelling nostalgia trip with some of the best ensemble of talented child actors to grace the screen in many years then this is your cuppa tea. There are some pretty great stand out moments, Farrah Fawcett Hairspray anyone? I'm curious to see where the Spielbergian Steven King by a jaunt through Silent Hill goes next and will be like the rest of you. Eagerly anticipating Season 3, which just in case you were in speculative doubt has just been greenlit! Can't wait.

Day 29: Brain Damage:

 Saw this back at Dead by Dawn a few years back, it's certainly a film. I have quite the fondness for this schlocky tongue in cheek affair in which Brian awaken one morning not feeling the best. it turns out that this is because he has a new companion in a smooth-talking symbiotic parasite known as Aylmer. Aylmer's friendship is not free, in exchange for some mind-expanding chemicals that Aylmer excretes, Brian must hep his new friend acquire Brains...human brains to be exact. Not to Brian's credit, he remains fairly oblivious to this for the most part due being trashed out of his gourd.

This film is more comedy than horror but there some pretty gratuitous moments of gore and the films core concept means that there is a whole of lot creative ways to dispatch the brain buffet's and I mean creative. For those who have seen this film, You'll know exactly what scene I'm referring to and those who haven't well go ahead and give it a bash. A great but insane 80's offering.

Day 30: Freddy Vs Jason: 

God this movie is stupid. I mean really stupid. But let's put some of the old bit perspective on this bad boy. Before the MCU, before WB was struggling with the DCEU we had a crossover that horror fanboys were geeking out over as much as I did watching the Avengers: Infinity War trailer. This was the showdown that was eagerly anticipated since Krugers Razor accessorised glove dragged Jason's Mask to depths of hell 10 years prior to the closing seconds of Jason goes to Hell. Was it worth the wait, well probably not but I was still excited to see it, to the point I nearly elbow dropped a boy for spoiling it while I was up a ladder adjusting a Finding Nemo banner. Reckon I'm going to leave that there with no hint of context. As stated the film is stupid but sets it's self up is sort of clever SORT OF. Freddy is in a bit of a funk as now he's all but forgotten due to a plot by local police to hide the truth about the previous murders (yup, that's not made up). The irked Kruger decides he'll dispatch a would be slaughterer for hire and goes about waking Jason up from his rest and sets him loose on the Elm st kids taking credits in a bit of a dick move. When Jason won't come to heel, well that's when the old "Vs" comes into play and the scraps take place in Freddy's dream realm as well as in the real world, and I have to say the set pieces are pretty cool. It's not the best film, hell it's not even a good film but it brainless as the "teenage" fodder in the film and pretty darned enjoyable.

31. Train to Busan: 

And finally, my horror films came to a close for the month with this South Korean cracker. A father escorts his young daughter to Busan by train to see her mum for her birthday. A journey the young girl insists she's capable of going alone, you'll be glad the Father decides not to listen to her as all hell breaks loose when some of those pesky living impaired board the train with a lack of tickets and etiquette of the biting of humans. The rest of the film thunders from one tense set piece to another ensuring the sphincter remains puckered throughout. There is some also very surprising emotional heft throughout and moments that make me test my manly non-crying limits. Director Sang-ho Yeon is definitely one I'll keep an eye out for.

So there you have it. Took me a month to write, next year if I do this I'll be sure to write the reviews as I'm going along. I would appreciate any feedback, comments or discussions you want to have as I require constant validation. This includes suggestions for 2018's 31 Days of Horror. If you have made it this far, thanks and I hope you enjoyed this Macabre Madness.

[findmykernel]

19/06/2017: When the shoe is on the other foot

Wow… I’ve really put myself out there the last couple of months. More so than I ever have in the past… the result? I guess I’m a little bit more hopeful but just as cynical.

So in March, after I got back from Uganda, I joined the online dating community… yes, I joined because I was 34 and I had no options. I had to take a punt, swallow my pride and try what all the bloody kids were doing.

I hated it at first. I felt so exposed and a little bit desperate, like my attractive-ness went down a rung… but let’s face it, I was already at the bottom so I bit the bullet and gave it a red hot go.

Then I started getting a bit obsessed. I checked it often and when I got a match, it was a little confidence booster… no one ever likes me!! What the hell was going on? I’d get disappointed if there were no new people to swipe on - but granted as I didn’t really leave the Richmond-South Melbourne area at all over the first few weeks.

I started planning dates because I thought, fuck it, these people you are meeting don’t know you from Bob so go have a drink with them… what the worse thing that could happen?

Well, three months later, I found out.

It’s mid-June and I had been seeing a landscaper for the past two months. We got on like a house on fire, the sex was good (not amazing, but not bad) and we’d always have fun. He was a great, genuine, top, Aussie, hard-working bloke. I liked him… and after a couple of dates, we were hanging out a bit like girlfriend and boyfriend. I really was enjoying my time with the landscaper.

Then one night when we were watching TV, I made the most Freudian slip of all time. I accidentally dropped the L word and absolutely freaked. I cried because I was so embarrassed and he was of course, laughing and giving me shit.

Because of my monumental error, I was forced to think about my future with the landscaper and adept that I needed to know his too… I needed clarification. Was I upset because I did mean it and I was so embarrassed that I said it? Or did I not mean it at all and needed desperately to tell him that I really really didn’t and maybe probably never will.

If it was the first, I would have been embarrassed at first but also massively relieved and hopeful, because for some odd reason, this guy wasn’t scared off and wanted to stick around. He talked about me to his friends and family in a way that he wanted me to meet them. He invited me out to events of his life (although minor) that you’d only introduce someone you wanted them to meet or show them off to. He was leaps and bounds ahead of me… and as I have longed for so so so fucking long for someone to want me as a part of their life, I realised that I didn’t feel the same way… I wasn’t there and after thinking about it a lot, I don’t think I could ever be in that spot with him.

So I started to pull back, retreat and draw myself back in the hole I have so comfortably been nesting in for many many years now. He noticed and I had to tell him what was going on. I hate myself and I hate my heart and head for feeling the way that they do. I finally met this awesome, stand up, genuine guy who likes me and my heart and my head are saying “No, not him”.

And I had to tell him, I had to tell him ASAP before this got any deeper and before he had real feelings but I couldn’t. I couldn’t first time I saw him after the realisation because I didn’t want to break his heart. I didn’t want to hurt him. He had done NOTHING wrong and I was going to deliver news to him that he wasn’t expecting or deserve. But he deserved to know and he deserved my honesty. Situations like this ALWAYS deserve honesty and respect no matter how much it hurts because it will hurt much more the later you leave it. It’s always best to be upfront and honest.

I was a blubbering mess and he was a total sweetheart, but it’s hard to assure someone that you think they are an absolute fucking legend when you’ve just told them that you can’t love them more than a friend.

It’s the typical “it’s not you, it’s me” scenario… and now it fucking makes sense. He is great, I am great, we’re just not great for each other and it fucking sucks because I hate looking. I really fucking hate it.

#love #friendship #its not you its me