#really gotta stop thinking man

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

#svsss #shang qinghua #but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but #but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee #also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but #I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg #oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left #I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something #or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird #LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm #I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either #I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself #eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it... #I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up #I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa #man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong #cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk #its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment #with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig #and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down #but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀 #irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living... #just the ol regulars yknow? #and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want? #I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what? #whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate? #so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it? #that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications #and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly #man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk

[regrets-art-stuff]

My favoritest little guy 💚

#I’m actually really proud of this one y’all #I was practicing drawing Jager in my sketchbook til I said fuck it and started a drawing #I think I’m starting to understand colors better now oop #my art #r6s #rainbow six siege #jager #‘you can stop worrying about grenades now!’ #my man now I gotta worry about my heart <3

[crimeronan]

i should probably clarify for the sake of being sensitive re my tags on the vid i just reblogged: some people do in fact get sad enough to kill themselves when they get caught doing bad things. i could be wrong in my assumption that somerton absolutely did not do that. i also don't really care whether he did or not because it's so unbelievably tacky to open an apology with "i don't want to make this a sob story, i was just so sad i tried to kill myself and everyone who has a parasocial relationship with me needs to feel bad/guilty/worried on my behalf, and everyone who doesn't have a parasocial relationship with me needs to feel bad/guilty/worried if they wanted to hold me accountable for anything. but i'm so sorry for making this a sob story! it's not like this is a prerecorded video that i have full editing control of or anything"

like.... i don't care if you actually were in the hospital or not. you chose to open your apology video with the most blatant and pathetic kind of emotional manipulation possible & i don't care for it. it's literally no one's problem except yours and your loved ones' if you were in the hospital. it's no one else's responsibility. certainly not the responsibility of the people you wronged.

people doing this shit brings out my lowest-empathy tendencies because it gets to my high-empathy friends and i've known too many people held hostage by their partners/friends/parents threatening suicide over the years, so whenever i see people being like "oh, he really does seem upset, though" i'm like.

listen. i know he looks sad in the video. i know he's saying he wants to be dead.

You Don't Have To Fuckin' Believe Him.

#it's all part of the grift it's all part of manipulating your audience for money. #whether he's actually been in the hospital or not. it shouldn't be part of his public statement afterward! #it's just. whenever i see someone crying really sadly and wetly to make people console them about something they did wrong #so they don't actually have to change their behavior or reflect on themselves or in this case.... stop making money... #i'm like oh alright. pushes up sleeves. are you trying to do this to people i care about? #because if you are then i am going to step between you. and i am going to be So Fucking Scary. #I Will Be So Scary. I Don't Have Many Berserk Buttons But This Is In Fact One #suicide #james somerton #i don't think most people here even give a fuck about whether he's suicidal it's just i know those tags might read like #'i think every suicidal person in the world is manipulating people for attention' or whatever #and that is not the vibe. james somerton who emotionally manipulates 83727749 youtube subscribers is an outlier- #i gotta go to bed. what a headache of a man. wow. #youtube drama

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I adore Luzu, so it really warms my heart that when he was mentioned today when Phil was asking about La Velada, not only did PHIL get super excited and emphasize his support for Luzu, but Chat also got excited and hyped him up. All us crows love him so much, even though we only saw him interact with Phil once :') I hope that now his training is over, he can log back in and they can hang out again

#i talk #qsmp talk #I was MIA all day today so I was watching the VOD #I'm so glad someone brought up Luzu's fight and La Velada to Phil I was thinking nobody would #I'm really happy #I gotta stop watching now though because my stomach is killing me #MAN I wish these stomach / abdominal issues would go away #Luzu te extraño #come home #I saw Cellbit wanted to see Luzu in the game too and I'm like YESSSSSSS #Luzu loves doing lore so much he'd get along SO well with Cellbit #I didn't even consider that until now #I'm talking cc Luzu and Cellbit #their characters... might not #it depends ENTIRELY on how their first meeting goes #Anyways I'm very emo about the whole La Velada thing for many reasons #but also because I straight up thought Luzu won #they suddenly they were like no he didn't #apparently I'm not in the minority thinking this though #I was like ''well maybe my boxing knowledge isn't great'' #but no #once again... another tournament with issues #and bias #and a heap of other problems I wont' spend time catching up on because YEESH that sounds like a mess #glad Luzu and the other CCs had fun though

[ozymoron]

reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)

#⚠️ #personal #having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason #cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin #clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person #regardless of what the actual post is about #i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions #cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have #the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy #idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person #the fact i even struggle with this #sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me #maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared #cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping #how much is too much when do i stop #<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense #like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of #those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do #this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something #cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man #im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion #i feel like most times its both #i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like #showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online #idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd #vent #so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again #lord i need to get out of here

[murdermeadow]

I feel like Mio had to relearn how to love Noah after her time with N

#leechies rambles #cuz like. imagine how damaging it must have been for her to spend an entire month with a man who looked like the one she loves but acts like #a complete and utter asshole #who was very controlling and overbearing #especially while also containing all of M's memories of how he was and what he's done #like thats Gotta taint your view of the good version #so i hc that Mio was actually very on edge after rejoining with her friends #Noah tries his best to keep it all in mind and always makes sure to modify how he talks or what he does in order to not spook her more #it was actually very difficult and complicated for them for a bit afterwards i think #(i really should stop putting the bulk of the hc in the tags woops) #anyways. I've been thinking a lot about them lately #xc3 #xenoblade mio

[majimasleftasscheek]

*gasp* how DARE they say your art style is lazy >:( I think it looks cute and amazing! You deserve all the love and praise 🫵 I really adore your art, especially the kazumaji ones >_< ❤️ hope you have a wonderful day!

houghghg thank you 😭💖 I always feel like I don't do enough in my art since it's so simple but I'm glad yall enjoy it regardless <3

#I'm on uhhhh my 1050th yakuza drawing and sometimes I very seriously think oh man I wish I drew as much as other people do #kljsgdjklgdkl even tho I know most people don't draw as much as I do even remotely #I gotta stop being so hard on myself lmao but sometimes I am not god's bravest soldier and stinky comments get to me #but!!! good comments are more important and I really do appreciate it when yall take the time to say nice things

[barkingangelbaby]

wanna play the sims soooo baaaaad but bg3 takes up so much space I can't update it </3 maybe I'll ask N to help me clean out some stuff bc I simply Do Not Know things about computers lmao

#rAMbles #I'm also mourning my laptop that stopped working three years ago again #mostly bc i had so many interesting academic pdfs saved that i didn't appreciate in college and want to read again #i gotta try to remember that one website that has SOOOO many experimental films on it that i used my university's library login for... #i wonder if I'd still have access to it #maybe I'll reach out to my old professor and ask if he has any new site recommendations #j**** r******* you will forever be one of the best professors I've ever had!!!! #omg one day we just drew on 10ft of 35mm and he played it through a projector.. man that was a cool day #lemme dig up my notes from that class and research all the artists he shared again.. #I'm thinking about his notes saying the work i created in his class was on par with grad level work and... auuuughhh i miss making video art #i was so spoiled using 4k cameras and professional mics and access to several video editing programs #time to ask N to find me rips of them i think :) i loved editing i was just too high and depressed in college to make more work #ugh maybe I'll ask my friend if i can use her mac so i can transfer some work i have on my mac only harddrive onto a flashdrive.. hmm... #okay rambling done i just really miss being a video artist #i lied last thought.. i really want to make a documentary again #OKAY BYE

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Me watching the spider-man fandom scream and cry about Paul even though we know Peter’s gonna get back with MJ because he always gets back with MJ because they’re literally written to end up together and they’ve been ending up together for literal decades

#like ???? Don’t like him??? wait like a year he’ll be gone?? #literally every gimmick like this between MJ and Peter is contrived as hell and y’all still fall for it #The writers are literally just doing this to make y’all mad and read more #stop reading the run and they’ll retcon that man so fast #mjpeter fans ya gotta be more perceptive about this 😭😭 #if you think Paul is really gonna be in the comics 1 to 2 years from now 💀 #peter parker #spiderman #marvel #mary jane watson #mj watson #peter parker x mary jane watson #peter x mj

[gregoftom]

gross

#tomgreg #THEYR E SO CUTE IM GONNA actually be sick. #i hate so much tom's fuckin. laugh here bc its so high pitched and heS NOT HOLDING BACK. AGAIN. #something something he's his true self around greg something something after years of repression he feels alive again something something #schoolboy tom makes another appearance. he's so playful!!! #AND TOUCHING GREG'S SUIT AGAIN. just like the tie before in fucking UHHH i cant remember the episode. but s2 i think. #he does it really quickly though. like he remembers they're in public and he's gotta stop treating greg like they really are spouses. #and abt the next part don't worry i'm gonna be. talking. about That. but this part gets its own bit bc!!!!!! man #OH AND DONT THINK I DIDNT NOTICE GREG TOUCHING TOM TOO. TOUCHING HIS ARM UNNECESSARILY. they're so touchy here. sigh. sigh. #yet not a hug. just light touches. a hug would be too friendly. if that makes sense? these touches are more. spousal. #like you'd hug your mate at a party right. and sure you might hug a partner or spouse. but idkkk idk it reads more. #just the touchings of the suits. oh you look nice tonight dear. don't wanna spoil your pretty outfit. that'll happen later at home. GODDDDDD #BECAAAAAUSE OF WHAT THEY SAY NEXT!!! THE WHOLE. PROVE IT THING! OH HH GODDHNWEW #my head cracks open. ok okok ig ot ta go i'm going i'm fucking. bye #im so fuckin pressed about the nero sporus thing IF TOM HADNT SAID THAT BULLSHIT I WOULDNT BE THINKING SHIT LIKE THIS #i mean maybe i would BUT I WOULDNT ACTUALLY PUT ANY STOCK IN IT BC HE WOULDNT HAVE SAID IT OUT RIGHT. god. i'm in pain #lord send the plagues. end my suffering

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #fuck. I might just be a straight woman. #like. I like men. and the more I transition the more I vibe with binary womanhood. #sure I don't like getting shoved into restrictive femininity. but I vibe with womanhood as separate from femininity. #anyway. I might be straight. and In ten years it's very possible that being trans becomes a much less huge part of my life #because it will stop being something that I do and something that I wish for and simply something that I am #yeah yeah whatever hi my name is Reggie and I like men #I just. as much as I don't like certain restrictive gender roles I find myself slotting very comfortably into others #and I realize that my idea of gender and their roles was very much shaped by my female role models growing up #and a lot of the disconnect and distress when growing up was due to not being able to follow the path everyone else did. #all my girl friends were growing up into women and I was stuck on the man track. #and being gay was the closest I could get to being myself #but I'm closer than I've ever been before to being able to live my truth as myself #still not gonna shave my legs unless it's sometime in the future for a very specific event. #I like them fuzzy. they make me feel cool. #I like having some cultural masculinity still. I just don't want to be defined by it #talking about my binary trans experience is always a little weird because I'm aware of how binary I'm describing things #and I get that if my words were used to describe someone else's experience it might end up sounding hella transphobic #but these words are for me. they're my experience. they're my life not someone else's. #and this is how my identity works. #it's like how feminism protects the right of trad wives to be trad wives. #we just gotta recognize that just because one woman wants to be the designated dishwasher not every woman feels that way. #anyway. I might be dating a guy by this time next week. he's cool so far and we kinda got match-made by a mutual friend #we watched Redline tonight and it's hella good #he's really cool but I feel like I've got something to provide and to bring to the relationship. so we're still on peer-level I think. #which is new. usually I'm way ahead of the other person. maybe my fault for fishing in the bad fish barrel #the emotionally damaged and burdened fish barrel.

[keeps-ache]

could be cool !!

#just me hi #there's a specific part of pi.e i have a disdain for and it happens at pretty much the beginning of the story #don't like it cuz it always feels awkward when i write it. no fun! #but i was Just thinking of how i could show it and ouuugugushsughsosgh. ouhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgh #Could Be Cool !! #could be really cool !!! #Could be. let's keep it realistic before i jinx myself hfbhs :3 #i just gotta finish part one of chap one and then.. and Then.... ehehhegh... and then i gotta start working on the Rest of the first fourth #of this story :/ #i have next to nothing for this spot so. let's see how bad winging it can go hfvsh #the first fourth is pretty calm i think - not much happens so i dunno if it'll take as long as i think it will #don't want it to drag too much but also don't want it to go too quick or it may just disappoint me lol #//anyway i gotta make a timeline for this thing #oh and also the little lore thing i keep forgetting about lol #the problem w/ that is that there is So Much idk how to organize it fbsh #it's prolly not really that much but Man. feels like a lot hfh #it's mostly species + histories stuff i'm stuck on so ! #/MAN. okay i'm thinking about it again #i have a normal brain about some of the things involved here hvbshvf 👍👍👍 #could be cool. that's all i'm here to say lmao :3 #//omw now though - i have 8 more pages to go and then i gotta start formatting part 2 of 1 👍 #stopped for like a week despite Insane progress bc i hit the Tiniest road bump in the world hfvhbs #but on it now!! so here i go :D toobles !!

[confetti-critter]

The night is young and I am free to do whatever my heart desires but unfortunately I have once again found myself trapped in the Time Prison and so I

#the good old 'I don't feel like doing anything including doing nothing and I want to go to bed but I know I'm not tired' #WEH. #I'm enjoying typing but I don't want to commit to practicing typing for real so I'm just making excuses to type more #I was looking at custom ESC keycaps because I was thinking about that whole community of ppl obsessed with keyboards and like I get it I #like the clicky clacking and keyboards can look so pretty but some of those key caps man wtf. #why would you want 3D transparent donald duck ESC key from temu what is wrong with you #saw a set of key caps that were little kittys with little kitty ears n I was like fuuuuuuuuuck #49.00 USD probably 100000 CAD+shipping goto helllll #I was thinking about what if I had like confetti keycaps and a custom kittycake esc key or like an actual little cake and matching desk mat #or even just a new cute mousepad cuz mine is old as fuck and I spilled vegetable cream stew on it once #and then I was thinking like sighhh and wouldn't it be cool to have arcade carpet on the stairs leading down to my basement hovel and #rainbow lights along the ceiling corners and what if I painting my bedroom like I wanted to do and sighhhhh #I haven't been wasting my money buying shit like that but I'm thinking about it again. #but the same thing stopping me from doing anything at all is stopping me from wasting my money which like that's good I guess??????? #gosh I really like typing why did I stop doing daily typing practice #oh yea The Thing Stopping Me From Doing Anything At All #meow meowm meow meow meow #ok I really gotta tear myself away from my computer and brush my teethses and try going to bed #I already played minecraft earlier it's fine I didn't do NOTHING tonight it just feels like I did #and tomorrow is another day #and next week is a short work week thank fucking christ almighty #literally cuz its easter sunday and he was in that tomb but he escaped or whatever he did #thanks jeezy boy #you maybe shoulda milked it for like half a week at least #moved the big ass boulder like have an inch at a time #*pause for laughter* #that s from my new stand up comedy routine do uiuop like it djfskll;askjdgflksjdflksajdflksjdf the dsjalkjfolidasfgjoiweljsdalkjflskdjflak #meowww #I am the only one I know on here who 'talks' this fucking much about absolutely nothing #I do all this and my poor followers can click read more and spend time reading alllllll this garbage

[moe-broey]

Him.................

#fire emblem #aughh..... i gotta finish the last book. 🙃 #it's like really good. think i stopped after the iconic 'i killed him and now i'm gonna kill you' alfonse moment #and that really tender and sweet moment right after w sharena. #i feel like sometimes i get so deeply attached to something that i just have to freeze it in time. #preserve it in amber. ect ect #also i'm still refusing to accept bruno's death. yeah my man has been surrounded by death flags since day one. #but like bro i feel like this counts as cruel and unusual punishment for a gacha character. like. #was introduced as like a Main Character but has never been a playable unit base form has been absent from the story for years #has One (1) playable appearance in an alt and now he's fucking kilt. after what was it again??? five fukcing years??????? my man. #i'm really bummed askr dies so shortly after being introduced too like. bro.... you are the god of askr....... #there was. so much. that could have been explored. maybe. idk. all this is second hand. he's also just warm and friendly and hot. huge L. #but yeah i fucking get it this is War The Game people Will Die. could bruno at very least have survived tho. escape the narrative a bit. #i was also just really scared of any. developments. but i heard from my sister it's fine and vero has really nice character growth #(i am so against alf/vero as a romantic pair it's UNREAL and i think i'd have to kill if they were endgame. sorry. except not really.) #but yeah new book!!!!! yippee!!!!!!!! i do miss him........... i wonder if summoner will be present for this one. #fe alfonse

[chloecherrysip]

WELL, FORGET MY LAST POST - NOW I'M SEEING THE MARIO MOVIE TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT???

I have decided that I don't want to be responsible and my sleep schedule is terrible right now anyway and there are midnight screenings near me with seats still available sooooo LET'S DO THIS

Not sure how coherent I will be tonight at 2:00am or whenever I get home, but I will definitely share some thoughts!!

#me stressing over reviews and then realizing that I AM AN ADULT and IF I WANT TO GO TO A MIDNIGHT SCREENING #THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME IS MY OWN EMBARRASSMENT #i can just do it!!!!!! #the only thing i'm slightly wary of is what kind of crowd is going to be at this movie at midnight lololol #but gosh the RELIEF i have felt doing this. i just really don't think i can make it to thursday without being a shell of a human being #i have made the mistake of looking at some random letterboxd reviews and man reactions are all over the place #some people REALLY love it and some people REALLY hate it and some people are decidedly lukewarm #and at this point i just gotta know if certain things turn out like i want them to or not #we will see! #text post

[skhardwarevers1]

sorry for saying I was going to do things and even starting them and then disappearing from this website entirely for three days. It will happen again

#Nothing new. Tbf I’ve done this a lot #I would say I’m focusing more on school and my personal writing but that’s more of a fucking lie than full truth #I genuinely have felt sick to my stomach posting here for whatever reason #Guilt shame anxiety paranoia etc etc you get the point. I feel like shit with no valid reason as to why #So for now I’m going to stop doing the thing that makes me overly emotionally sick to the point I have actual physical reactions???? #Yeah that’s the logical course of action. Might post small personal anecdotes and doodles and such to give off the vague energy that Im fin #But beyond that I quite literally can’t. I sat down and thought about writing this post and immediately broke down #I don’t know why I feel guilty over having inconsistent motivation for putting up shitty writing on a website for strangers to see #But I do and k think the only good way to get past that is this. Gotta stop acting Impulsively it’s ruining my fucking life man #There’s only one other thing that I’ll thank Eloise for #and it’s for getting me off of tumblr long enough to realize that I desperately need to get help #This is fucked I fucking hate it. I might be online if k can bare the possibility that people can see this #Namely people I’ve grown attached to in concept #Idfc at this point. it doesn’t change much about how things have been going for the past year #Vent #S.K explains that things never really got better they would just suck less for short periods of time