#seriously though it was bad timing my mental health has been shit since my mum died in january and i was gonna do something this month sinc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

footponshoulder · 3 years

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So regular followers know I use this platform now and again just to post about how im feeling. Just scroll past this kind of shit, it is more a way of getting things off my chest without actually having to talk to anyone about it and as I am shit at explaining things verbally it never comes out right anyway.

But yeah for the past couple of weeks I dont know, I dont feel depressed, but neither am I happy.

Let me explain wa gwaan for some context.

Around this time last year I had probably the most terrible mental health breakdown I have ever had. I am actually surprised my mum didn’t get me sectioned, because at that time I probably needed it. This was down to a break up with my ex.

Well, at the start of December, I did the silly thing of getting back in contact with her, and yeah you know the score....

Like I did really like this girl when I was going out with her, even though she fucked with my mind nuff times in the 9-10 months we were together, I cant really explain it, but she just had something about her, I was a metaphorical moth to a flame.

So after we linked a couple of times, we agreed to take things slooooow and just see how things go, no pressure, nothing. And that is how I wanted to it too, I did not want to go in all guns blazing and based upon my past experiences with her, allow her to mentally fuck me over once more (since what happened back in Jan last year, my mental health has honestly been the best it has been ever since I had my first mental breakdown when I was 27-28, you could even say I have been content with life for the first time since I was probably a teenager)

But then at the start of Jan, she went back to just airing me (this is what she did constantly when we were together, I know she wasnt cheating or whatever, but her own mental health issues come to the fore). Now I have told her plenty times that kind of shit is not fair on me or anyone infact, and if things are hard then all you need to do is explain it to me, of course I would try and help, but ultimately it is her life, so there is only so much I can do, and it is down to her if she wants that help anyway.

I know that her mental health has seriously plummeted recently, just going by what she posts on social media. I have tried to reach out, not even on a simpin tip, but as someone who is genuinely worried about her welfare. I have sent texts and tried to call and make it clear that it is cool if she doesnt want to talk, but just to tell me she is okay, even if she isnt. But calls ignored, texts not replied to.

I was thinking about this earlier, unless I am close to you, if you act in that kind of way to me then I honestly couldnt care less, you’re just out of my life. Thank U next.

But I cant do this to her. Again I can not explain why. For what she did to me last year I am WELL within my rights to say “fuck you” and get along with my life.

I have breakups in the past of course, some better than others (note the ex before the one I am talking about now, who literally stabbed me when we broke up lol) but never ever have I felt this kind of way towards someone.

But the problem is, it is consuming me. I just want to hear from her. I can not stop myself checking her social media to see how she is doing, because that is the only way for me to know that she is still ‘there’ if you get me.

However at the same time, I second guess myself, to think, well was it something I said when we linked to make her par me off. Or has she come to her senses and realised meeting up was the wrong thing to do. Well if that is the case and you are too embarrassed to admit it, then just block me, atleast then I would get the message.

I have even told her, like if you want me to fuck off out your life, all you need to do is tell me and I will. I think then it would actually trigger something in my brain to get on with my life. But no, she is always checking my story on Insta, so I know there must be some sort of feeling there?!

Anyway, in the past few years I have learnt what triggers my real bad depression episodes, and that is rejection, and just like Freud said it stems back to my Mum and how I was treated growing up.

But because I have genuinely strived so hard in the past year to be more positive and better myself, I have not become all depressed, but I just have no discernible emotions at the moment. Not in the Anhedonia/Avolition sense. I guess how I can describe it, is that life my emotions are just ‘beige’. Not dark, nor colorful, just mehhhhh.

Not that i want to be all depressive and slitting my wrists, far from it, but atleast then I actually know how I am feeling. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing right?

Like I have been thinking all evening, about whether I should try and call her, but then I dont want to embarrass myself when she doesnt answer, or send a text and get left on ‘read’ (and btw, I am not some total freak trying to call her every day, or sending a million texts). However at the same time, i want her to know I still care about her, in the sense that I just want to make sure she is ‘okay’. But knowing her, she wont reach out to me first, so all I can do is try, but should I be bothering to try? There is only so much ignoring I can take, but I know she is finding this 3rd lockdown particularly hard. So I do not want to push to hard for some sort of recognition from her, but nor can I be that much of cunt and just delete her out myself.

LOL why the fuck cant my life just be a bit more simpler, and why the fuck do I go for girls who are just human red flags?!

Anyway I have a banging headache. I’m out. Peace and Love x

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blindedbythedarkness · 4 years

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A Rant into the Void

I am so fucking sick of my body right now. Actually, no, that’s not the problem at all. I am actually fucking sick of the response of medical professionals to my body. My body itself is doing its fucking best, all things considered.

Put simply, I can’t face going to the doctor anymore. I’m too afraid. Which isn’t exactly a great place to be, mentally or physically, when you have a genetic condition that can (though rarely) result in life threatening complications.

I’ve never fucking liked it. Not one bit. It’s been built into me from a young age to suck things up and carry on. My dad used to passively scold me for ever taking a day off school by reminding me that he never did and telling me about all the days he’d gone to work with one ailment or another. He’s also the reason I’m so afraid of taking any medication now after years of me hearing how “taking paracetamol isn’t good for you. If you take it enough it stops working. It damages your liver too.” Even though painkillers do barely work, I can’t remember the last time I gave them a try. Now I’m older I know that he probably has his own deep seated issues that led to the things he said, but the things he said still stick like glue.

My mum was no better. As a nurse, she never took any shit from me and I would never have been able to skive off school. At one point I went to school for a week with an unknown broken arm, despite my protests. It’s rare that she explicitly called me a “hypochondriac”, but I could always tell that she was exasperated by my numerous visits to the GP, hospital and A&E. It’s only in the past year, now that my EDS has been confirmed for a second time (within the new guidelines) that she’s started to take me more seriously. I still don’t often feel able to tell her about my health concerns though, despite her having (a more mild version of) the same condition. I think she feels guilty for passing it onto me, but her responses usually comes across as frustration and annoyance.

In the past year, my fear of doctors has grown even more. Firstly, now I’ve seen what a real illness faker looks like and does, I’m forever terrified that I look like I’m doing the same. I’ve almost obsessively started taking photographic evidence of my various ailments for fear of being accused of Munchhausen's by a medical professional (despite the difficulty of convincing others of a real case of fii). Given I have also spoken out about this girl, I also live in fear of seeming like a hypocrite. Those close to me say “we know you’re really ill, we’ve seen it, we know you aren’t faking it and you’re nothing like her” but still I can’t shake the fear.

Doctors have been pretty shit lately, too. I’d had bad experiences in the past: a GP that couldn’t identify a broken elbow and a gastro consultant who suggested my pain was all in my head, but for a while I’d had a good run. The past year has been fucking awful though. One particular GP at the surgery has been the cause of almost all of it, to the point where I was going to make a formal complaint before corona got in the way. For the first time ever I had gone to an outpatients appointment alone (something I’d be afraid of due to the potential for gaslighting) and for once the consultant was amazing- he gave me a reason for my pain that had been found on an MRI and reassured me he would explain it all to my GP. However, the consultant had lied. He didn’t write in the letter anything that he said to me and GP soon decided that I was lying about my account, to the point where I questioned my own memory. Contrary to the advice of the consultant, and later my physio (who confirmed what the consultant has originally said), he advised me to walk more to solve my issue. It also took me refusing to leave his room until I got a referral to a rheumatology consultant for him to allow it. That was after him patronizing me consistently and insisting that “there’s no EDS cure you know?” and “physio is your only option”. The arrogant cunt obviously thought his single lecture had taught him more than 10 years learning about this condition had taught me. I knew my rights and got what I wanted, but I live in fear of my record being marked with “fii” or “anxious patient” that would virtually destroy any further chances of me getting treatment.

This becomes a problem, of course, when I seem to acquire a new co-morbidity or complication every month at the minute. A few weeks ago I had it confirmed that I have a bladder (and potentially pelvic) prolapse. The doctor I had spoken to before the examination though was Dr. Self Important Prick, and he had seemed doubtful of the whole thing. So even though it was proven, I’m still too afraid to call again. This week I have had a bingo card full of the symptoms of a cerebrospinal fluid leak (and not for the first time). I don’t know what to do though. Given the susceptibility of EDS patients to them, I’m fairly certain that’s what it is. Given it’s recurring, I’m also pretty sure I need to see someone. But it’s unstoppable force meets immovable object: if I go in there having done my research I seem like a hypochondriac, yet one study showed that 0% of csf leaks are diagnosed correctly the first time. These are the complications of living with a rare condition. It’s impossible to walk the fine line between advocating for yourself and seeming like a fake because you weren’t a whole chapter in the doctor’s textbook.

So here I am. Fed up. Angry at myself for not having the balls to get myself the help I need and angry at the medical profession for scarring me so badly. And with a lovely clear, metallic, currently unidentified liquid dripping down the back of my throat.

Since it seems these rants may get more regular, I’ve made a dedicated page to fill with my void rants @thatangryedsbitch

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xxx-yellow-xxx-blog · 4 years

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Hello...I guess?

Hi, I have absolutely no idea if anyone is going to read this and if I’m being honest with myself here, I hope no one dose. But the fact that your eyes are now soaking up these exact black words on your screen means that you have accidentally stumbled upon my tumblr page.

So, welcome? I hope you enjoy your stay?

I am very sorry to disappoint you, but my life is very boring and I’m using this as a way to get out all of my angry, sad, happy, lustful thoughts. A tiny part is me is hoping that someone else in the world is reading this and relating, maybe they could even help me with a few of my problems, or I could help them, but until that day comes I guess it’ll just be me, myself and I.

Without further ado, lets get into my issues...... yay!

Now I don’t know how old you are, I’m not a wizard, maybe your my age, maybe your older, maybe your younger, but ether way I bet you have loved someone. It could’ve been that one boy from your primary school who you shared your first kiss with, or an ex-girlfriend that you can’t seem to get out of your head no matter how long ago you two ended things. It may even be a family member, or pet... although that’s not the kind of love I’m on about here, I don’t think your sleeping with your brother, however people on pornhub might think differently.

ANYWAYS.......

love, were on about love here Maisie, stop getting side tracked.

Well if you have then congratulations, we have something in common! Here’s what happened to me.....

I was dating this guy called Ben (not his real name, but you know, privacy is a thing) and at the start things were AMAZING, honestly I couldn’t have been happier. I had my first kiss with him, lost my virginity to him, he wasn’t just my boyfriend but my best friend too, we had so much fun together and around the year mark things turned sour.

Now, a thing to know about Ben is that he has a few mental health problem and when a close family member died, he was obviously very upset. I’m not saying this is the reason things went down hill, but he certainly pushed me away a lot more after this, which I completely understand, I tried to give him as much space as he needed while still being there for him, but I just grew more and more paranoid that I was annoying him, you know?

He never fully got over that death, but things got easier, we got closer again, things were starting to get back to normal, like how they were before.

Just after our 1 year, things took another bad turn, I’m not sure when exactly it happened but he got very controlling. He was logged into my Instagram, reading through messages with my friends and when a guy called Charlie (Who’s in my biology class) asked me to help him with some homework, Ben went through my chat with him and blocked him off my Instagram while I was talking to him, saying that he was jealous.

I have no idea if this has ever happened to you, but I’m only just realizing now how wrong that is! OK, OK I might be a little late to that train, but in my head I though he loves me, so it must be OK, wrong, it’s NEVER OK to do that!

Anyways, according to him there was nothing wrong with that, but when I get mad at him because he’s gone round to some girls house (just the two of them ALONE) and I find out TWO DAYS LATER of one of her friends, that makes me controlling?

I’m sorry but what the actual fuck.

I had been telling him long before he was hanging out with her that she clearly likes him, everyone could see it, but he decided to go with her anyway?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to justify his actions here, but as far as I know all they did was watch movies. But like seriously, how much do you want to bet something went down?

Now, this is where I made a mistake and did something stupid, I stayed with him, I should’ve dumped his ass then and there, but I didn’t. Why? Because I convinced myself I was in love with him and maybe I was, hell there are even times where I think I still am, but we’ll get into that in just a moment.

Since that point we were on and off quite a lot, his friends started to like me less but I couldn’t see why, our relationship was none of their business, even if they were concerned for him they still shouldn’t have done anything (my friends didn’t). Then I found out why, remember the girl from earlier? The one who’s house Ben went to, lets call her Maddie. She told me that Ben was “saying some stuff about me”.

What stuff, you ask? This stuff”

“I feel like I’m stuck with her.”

“She wont let me break up with her.”

“I can’t break up with her, shes suicidal.”

People should never joke about suicide, it’s a real issue that more people need to speak out about and if your reading this and you happen to suffer from any type of mental illness you can always Dm me and I will help out no matter what, but I have NEVER been suicidal and the fact that that sentence even left his mouth fucking disgusts me. The fact he has the nerve to say something like that to make him look like the “good guy” make me feel physically sick.

just like UGH, this boy.

Anyways, our 2 year anniversary was going to be on the 10th of February, next year, but sadly we ended things on the 8th of December.

At first I felt sad, worthless, like I didn’t really have a place. He was comfortable and familiar, no matter how many times he had made me feel like shit or put me through hell, I would always make some kind of an excuse for him, not just so his actions would be justified so my friends didn’t hate him, but so I didn’t hate his as well.

Then came the mad and jealous stage, whenever he hung out with a girl I would just get so.... mad. Then he started hanging out with his one particular girl, we will call her Emily, she was also one of my friends.

He knew I didn’t want to hear about their late night calls, or how they would hang out every fucking day after school, but did that stop him from telling me? Nope.

I had honestly had it with him at this point so my friend told me to get on yubo and be a bit of a slag (DO NOT take his advice kids). I did and it was pretty fun, I was flirting with guys and found out I wasn’t as ugly as I though I was.

There was this one guy, I’ll call him James. It said on his mini profile thing that he wanted a serious relationship and I at this point did not, so instead of being flirty I was normal, treating him like a mate. I would talk to him about my “guy problems” and honestly he was great at helping me out. Then this one guy blocked me out of no where which I found weird and James being my go-to guy expert, I asked him about it.

He told me that the only thing he could think of was this guy is probably using me for.... *cough* things *cough* and then blocking me because he was seeing someone. I went on this whole rant about how I was tired of being used so he said “Well why don’t you use me”

You guys can fill in the gaps....

The next day I went out with my mum, I text him when I woke up so that he would see it as soon as he was awake and hopefully text me...OK that may have been a little weird of me but whatever. I had gone basically all day without a reply from him, but it didn’t bother me too much, then he finally snaps me telling me to call him, I did and he was so sweet, saying he was hoping I would call him all day and that he missed me, we talked for ages and it was great, we talked the day after that and the day after that, were still talking now, there’s just one problem....

I have no idea if he likes me or if he finds me annoying.

Sometimes he’ll snap me or call me and we’re having a really good time, at least I think we are and then others he wont even open my snaps for hours on end. I know he has a life and stuff and I’m probably just being over emotional because I’m on my period (Ladies, you know the feeling I’m on about) but like ugh.

He’s told me that he likes me AND this other girl too (which I’m fine with) but now when I ask him what he thinks of me he goes kinda quite.

Anyways, dating is new for me, so I guess this’ll be fun, I’ll keep you guys updated and shit. I may just be talking to myself here but I hope you enjoyed my little rant and want to know more because oh boy I have some problems, this is just the tip of the ice berk believe me. If anyone wants my advice on anything or just wants to talk to me then I’m always here, I honestly have no idea where this is going to go! :)

- Me

#new blog #blog #someone help #help #advice

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gayfrenchtoast · 3 years

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Part 2!

So if you haven't seen pt 1 it is here or in the vent tag on my blog

Continuing on! After I revived that text I lost my fucking m i n d over so many points in it, and I'm not gonna describe it to you, I'm gonna show you the result of my message after I took his message into Google docs and made a response to every point so long that when I sent it back it had to be split into multiple messages. Any additions or changes will again be in red ;

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Whatever (sister) has told me is none of your business and don't you date interrogate her about it when she gets back, you may not think you’re doing it but I don’t want her scared into not being able to open up to us. She's said nothing that I know myself is not likely the truth, if anything she excuses your behaviour because she doesn't know much better.

I do not agree with your "proportion to the offence" you do not even need to yell at the kids, getting down on their level and talking with them would be a much better teaching method than terrifying them and teaching them to be scared of you. Regardless you yell so much it hardly ever feels like you are ever yelling in proportion to a particular offence it just feels like you are yelling because of your own mood and it teaching nothing but to tiptoe around you, avoid you and lie to avoid your wrath. If you're yelling to "set boundaries" the only boundaries you set are massive ones away from your children that you then act like they aren't even there.

Yes because they're children and don't know any better. They're innocent and don't know what going or what they're going through isn't normal much like I didn't.

I do not deny my need for therapy, in fact, I am actively in search of therapy thank you for your concern and causation of that, however my need for therapy does not negate your need for it, perhaps if you had it you'd see why I feel this way though I doubt you'd ever seek it out because for some reason you believe you are a good person and a good dad and I knew going into this you'd never believe me or believe you were any different.

I know you loved me, it does not change the fact you had a shit way of showing it snd the fact your actions did affect me. And being annoyed at me because you care is a funny way of showing your love for someone.

I do admit I find it funny that the only examples you can provide of me big happy with you are when I was a very young child that didn't know any better and I worry if you can't see past the times where I was filled with childhood innocence and not after it was destroyed because you, again, made me hate myself. I don’t believe you are listening to me because I think you've glazed over things like how you told me I was stupid and selfish and wanted to hurt you which made me hate myself and think I was a bad person when I was only a child that didn't know any better. If you think that kind of stuff doesn’t affect a child I don't think you will ever get better.

Oh yeah, it does make things easier for you to blame things on the divorce, doesn’t it? Lemme shut that down right now; no. if anything it helped me get away from you.

And I think it’s unfair for you to treat your children the way you do but we don't get what we want all the time it seems. I'm sorry you feel I have to apologise for something I didn't do, as I said before o am happy to be used as a scapegoat, if (his finace) wants to blame me for (her daughter) getting back into something she never stopped doing then that's your problem and if now you want to blame me too it really is your problem!

Everyone? If you've told others about this that is also your problem and I'd say it's a wonder they are wondering since they know you but you do surround yourself with people like you so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.

Fuck you, don’t you dare talk about my Mothers, the only good parents I have ever had, that way. Don’t you dare try and talk shit about my mother's, my mums don't need to talk shit about you because the only one that ever starts any of that kind of stuff is me! I don't need prompting! I know who you are, I worked that out myself, and if anything they've done nothing but encourage me to have a relationship with you and give you chances because you're my dad but if I didn't want to they weren't going to push me or force me which is so much more than I can say you have done in relation to them. I do not need to assign "too much meaning" to events, I was there! I felt them! Do not assume that I am some stupid child who just miss-remembering things, not only am I fucking not but there are way too many, way too much repetitive behaviour, way too much I had to learn to go through life to be just misremembering anything, not only that but repeating events, verbatim, to other people has confirmed that all of that shit was fucked up. I am sure you're fuming reading this paragraph, I'm sorry you feel that way, but not going to hold back anymore because how fucking dare you.

Do not try and emotionally manipulate me with the "Does it mean nothing, all the work I have done for you?" line, frankly that's weak manipulation for you, but considering all you've done to me in the past, how that affects me and how you've implied I'm crazy in this message, aNo. You feeding me and putting a roof over my head is rendered null. And god forbid I end up a dad like you, that has been one of my biggest fears for years, part of my mental breakdowns in college was me being scared if I had children I'd fall into being like you, continuing the cycle of abuse. I may not even have children purely because I'm afraid of turning out like you. Oh and thanks for preparing me to be an adult dad, the anxiety you gave me made me have a panic attack when I tried to register at a doctors in (uni town), good fucking job.

I've been feeling strange to you ever since I realised how you treated me was wrong, so since high school? Don’t think this is a recent thing and don't think this is anything but me seeing things for how they really are because they're not, I've had a long time to analyse that.

I can’t believe you called your dad a good dad and then talked about how you were a bit better than your dad was in the same paragraph. Congrats on your "Not as shit as you could have been" award. Perhaps if you went to therapy you might see how you’re not as different as you should be proud of than your dad. I remember you telling a story of him trying to tell you to drive which caused grandma to cry in the car, you should see that's fucked up. That's the only story I have of him and it’s not a good look.

Here's an easy one for you; when you're stressed, don't take it out on your children! And if you've only shouted when you were stressed you were stressed a disproportionate amount. Maybe that's something you should work on, in therapy. And this bit "Being a parent is stressful. Being one who really cares is really stressful." Is shit. Seriously? You're blaming me for you yelling at me? Do you even realise you're doing this? In case you don't realise it this is manipulation. And again just because you were stressed didn't mean you had the right to take it out on me, even if to you it was just because you cared about me.

I'm sorry you f e e l t h a t w a y

This last paragraph is a doozy

"Please don't let the past dominate your feelings for the present. For your sake" again implying how your actions have hurt me is my fault, I know you won't believe me but all the fault lays with you.

"If you have anxiety and depression it will be your choice to recover" this line really got me, it sounds like you're blaming me for my own mental health problems, implying that how I feel is a choice and that I am not actually trying to help myself. I am very much helping myself and this is part of that, something you almost acknowledged in the next sentence in the same paragraph!

The fact is you are so arrogant and up your own ass that you think you're always right everyone else is always wrong and you are the greatest person in any given room when in reality you are a presumptuous asshole whose perspective on the world worries me and who's parenting style is emotional and mental abuse and manipulation and now I've broken out of it I am not afraid of you anymore so I can tell you this; fuck off you arrogant ass, leave me alone, treat your children better at least, I’m not gonna ask you to improve anymore because I know you won't. Have fun playing house and making yourself think you're the best man in the world but I'm not gonna tell you you are anymore cus I don't have to! Get, and I have wanted to say this to you for so many years, fucked!

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So as you can tell, I snapped. One could say I snapped when I finally told him he was the problem but this, this was me snapping. This was me being donezo. This was me finally getting my cathartis and you know what? I deserved it. And I am so happy I did.

So happy fathers day! Happy fathers day to my fucking dad, one of the biggest pluages on my life and the man who made the worst part of who I am today! Good job! If you ever see this father, I have one thing to say to you and I think you know what it is

Fuck you, fuck off and go ffuuuuuck yourself!

#abuse tw #tw abuse #tw vent #vent #ramble

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radramblog · 3 years

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Who should I vote for in the WA state election?

Full disclosure, this is directly inspired by this article, by someone from my high school as part of a youth newspaper he was working on. Considering said newspaper hasn’t updated since, oh, 2017, I think it’s fine to step on a few toes.

According to the ABC there are 19 parties vying for votes in the 2021 Western Australia State Election, which is coming up on Saturday. Some of them are good, some of them are very very not. Let’s go through each!

Animal Justice Party

The Animal Justice Party is a single-platform party masquerading as a multi-platform party, and while they have bland but reasonable positions on common issues everything, and I mean everything, on their page circles back to animals. Mental Health? Animal therapy and volunteering are good for that! Foreign Policy? We only care about trophies and wildlife trade! Domestic Violence? Abusers kick puppies, not just spouses! You get the idea. They mean well, but I don’t think they’re even close to a top pick, especially considering some of their odder platforms (banning processed meat sales to minors like they’re cigarettes, sure ok).

Vote for them if you’re the epitome of the obnoxious vegan.

Australian Christians

I mean, obviously I’m not religious, but I’m pretty sure these folks don’t speak for all Christians. They’re first on the list of whackjobs, anti-abortion and same-sex marriage, pro “sexual morality” (read: puritanism) and have out-of-context bible quotes on their statement of intents. Oh, sorry, statement of beliefs. Clicking on this webpage made my skin crawl- protip, if a person or party claims to support “family values” or “Christian ideals” 99 times out of 100 they’re just using it to justify bigotry.

Vote for them if you’d feel right at home in Cromwellian England.

Daylight Savings Party

This one’s website was broken for me, so I couldn’t really get a hold of anything beyond the name and what was on their facebook page, which is pretty much just what their mission statement is- Western Australia but we have daylight savings time. Despite being ridiculously sunny all the time. But….but why though….

Vote for them if you enjoy changing your clocks twice a year, like a weirdo.

The Great Australian Party

There are two really obvious jokes here screaming at me to be made. The GAP wants to make Australia great again, and despite the name it doesn’t involve jeans. These guys think taxes are bad but it would be good if they were instead handled by corporations, which is the most laughably stupid idea that itd be enough to bottom-vote them just on that- fortunately, their stance on firearms (we’ll get to it later) and immigration (withdrawing from UN treaties, seriously?) make it pretty clear they’re just a bunch of cunts. Their policy pages complain about political correctness and want to make fucking with a flag a crime like it is in the US, so the comparisons to a certain US party keep going.

Vote for them if you’re the proud owner of a red hat that your children will burn out of shame.

Health Australia Party

The fact that these people have an entire page dedicated to going “no, we aren’t anti-vax, we just have a lot of concerns” answers any questions you could possibly have. They also advocate for “natural medicine” to be placed on equal footing with, you know, medicine, which is obviously not a great idea.

Also, that they spell it “anti-vacc” and that their policy list is in fucking Calibri bugs me to no end.

Vote for them if you’re on a lemon detox.

Legalise Cannabis Western Australia

Take a guess. Take a wild fucking guess what single issue these guys are about. I don’t even have anything against this idea, their policies aren’t awful or anything, but it’s a heck of a hill to spend so much of your time on.

Vote for them if you’re high off your tits, I guess.

Liberal Democrats

What is this, libertarians? I’ll be frank, most of their policies are rooted in economics stuff I don’t really understand, but they’re against COVID lockdowns. You know, despite how effective they’re shown to be around here since we don’t fuck them up (mostly).

These guys seem to be one of the bigger of the small parties but their website is super unhelpful so ???

Vote for them if… I dunno?

Liberal Party

The first of the two major parties. They lost power in the last state election, and I couldn’t be more thankful- they’d been doing nothing but cock up for years at that point, and the premier was a fucking joke. Considering that their leader has apparently already conceded defeat, I suspect they aren’t looking to repeat the process.

The Liberals seem to be the default for a lot of people, thanks to their incalculable media bias and being one of the big two. I suppose if you’re reading this, you aren’t voting for them anyway.

Vote for them if your mum voted for them and you’re proud of that for some reason.

Liberals for Climate

If you voted in the last election, you might remember a party called the Flux network, which was a party where their policy was just online voting for everything. This is, uh them again? But they seem more concerned about climate than last time.

Vote for them if you haven’t watched this video.

No Mandatory Vaccination Party

…no. just no.

Antivaccination is an opinion that makes my skin crawl. The fucker that effectively started the movement, Andrew Wakefield, effectively did so for the money, and as such is indirectly responsible for thousands of deaths. The people who believe this shit know nothing of chemistry or medicine but hear a few buzzwords and do a google or two and think they’re the greatest geniuses of our time. They think they’re soooo fucking smart. Confident incorrectness can be funny at times, but not when such a huge issue is at stake.

Vote for them if you want me to call you out on twitter dot com.

Pauline Hanson’s One Nation

Oh christ she’s still trying this shit? For reference, in the last election these xenophobic cunts were rightfully punted out of our state, despite massive campaigning, proving that we aren’t the bogan capital of the country quite as much. Their policy pages make me want to vomit, but who the fuck voting for One Nation reads the fucking policy page?

Pauline Hanson was a fish and chip shop owner who made a political party to get her xenophobic bullshit out on the national stage, and was arrested for election fraud, yet still is allowed to run a party for some reason. She’s switched the target of her ire from China to the Middle East to reflect modern bigotry better, but it’s the same old shit. The only good thing ever to come about her was the Pauline Pantsdown song, and she obviously wasn’t involved in that.

Vote for them if you’re interested in joining the Proud Boys.

Shooters Fishers and Farmers

Oh and the hits just keep coming. Funnily enough I don’t have an issue with their fishery policy, but that’s not the main one, obviously. Australia has harsh gun control laws on account of a mass shooting back in 1997, and we’ve stayed that way for 23 years with, shockingly, no further mass shootings (that I’m aware of). You can disguise your policy by saying its for the sport all you want, but I’ve got no interest in bringing guns back to WA.

Vote for them if you think the NRA having massive political sway in the USA is a good thing.

Socialist Alliance

Full disclosure, I consider myself a socialist, so I’m probably a little biased here. But yeah, these look like good policies. They want to remove the USA military presence in Australia which I am personally very for, they support royal commission into the big banks which should have been done a decade ago, and they want to lower the voting age to 16 which considering that the youth are generally more politically minded these days seems fair enough to me. I’m for it.

Vote for them if you would have voted for the Greens, and don’t know which to put higher.

Sustainable Australia

Despite the name, the policy of this party is more concerned about population than climate, an issue I’m not sure is especially pronounced in this neck of the woods. I’d put them fairly middle of the road, seeing as they have some policies I’m for (no new coal mines or fracking) and some I’m very against (increased police funding, lowered immigration).

Vote for them if you too don’t know the common usage of the word Sustainable in modern times.

The Greens

Why everything is alphabetical until this and the next one are beyond me. Regardless, I suspect you already know if you’re voting Greens, but bluntly: They’re basically the only ones with a real, functional plan about Climate Change. And considering that’s the biggest problem facing humanity at large right now (yes, including COVID), that’s a pretty solid claim.

Vote for them if THERE IS NO PLANET BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The Nationals

The nationals end up in coalition with the Liberals basically all the fucking time so if you’d vote for the Libs you’ll vote for the Nats. They’re basically the liberals, but they pay lip service to caring about poor rural areas while continuing to suck big buisness’s cock like a kid with an icy-pole.

Vote for them if you’re a genuine country bumpkin.

WA Labor

I’ll be frank, I don’t think there’s a single way Labor doesn’t win this election. Mark McGowan has developed a minor cult of personality, and they’ve handled the old COVID situation remarkably well. I don’t agree with everything they’ve done in the past 4 years, but their track record is certainly better than the Liberals. Still, they’re not going to be the top of my preference sheet.

Vote for them if you don’t know what small parties to preference first.

WAxit party

I’ve admittedly entertained the idea of a Western Australian Secession, and provided it is handled well am not entirely against it. It does make me feel vaguely Texan, though, and that’s not a position I enjoy being in. This party wants to massively invest in defense so WA can protect itself from an invasion- one that will never, ever come, and I really don’t expect to eat those words. We don’t matter enough to target.

Vote for them if you think Brexit 2 sounds like a good idea.

Western Australia Party

Look at this point I’m fucking sick of all these parties. They have Family Values on their policy list so I’m just taking that as a red enough flag not to vote for them.

Vote for them if you actually read their shit and were a fan of it.

And that’s…everyone. Wait no not everyone hang on.

Independents

I must confess, I basically always forget to read about the independents prior to an election. This is going to be different in every district, so do your research- or just do what I do and stick them all smack bang in the middle between the parties I like and the parties I don’t like.

Ok now that’s everyone. This took a long time and a lot out of me, so I hope you appreciate this shit. Hopefully you are now prepared for what may come on Saturday the 13th, and won’t be too disappointed when your minor party of choice doesn’t win the seat because everyone in your area votes Liberal for some fucking reason.

#ramble #perth #political

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sightful-tangents · 4 years

Text

january 1, 2020

Hi friends. It’s been a while, hasn’t it. I usually try and write something once a month or so but obviously I dropped the ball last year.

Can you believe it’s 2020? I think each year I start taking my resolutions more and more seriously. It’s one of those long-term commitments that I’ve found deeply rewarding just because of the passage of time. Simply with setting goals and the year passing by (for like, 5 years now) makes me excited with each coming year to think about what I want to accomplish, and how I want to shape my life.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. My 2020 themes note has been living in my phone for months now, but we’re here for the 2019 retrospective (original post here). It’s been quite a year. Here we go, on how I did.

THE BIG ONE

1. Put down roots. This resolution was three-pronged: a sturdy mental foundation, a sense of belonging in a place, and a feeling of belonging with people. I think I mostly accomplished that - my mental health (minus a very very stressful 1.5 months at work) has been mostly good, bolstered by well-timed vacations that cleared my head SO well (ugh, I *need* these breaks , that’s what I learned). I’ve been living in my basement for a bit over a year now and my space is coming together. I’m starting to really like being at home and in my space and feeling comfortable and content there. And lastly, a feeling of belonging with people… I do think I depend my relationships this year. I let a few go (or more like, I no longer hold those as dearly) but I formed a few new ones and overall, especially with the holidays being a time when I always reflect and feel extremely grateful, thinking of those that I cared about and wanted to give gifts/cards to… I’m just very grateful for those people around me and how they make me feel. I read a Bill Gates/Warren Buffet interview once, where Warren Buffet said his measure of success was whether the people you care about you love you back. This year, I felt this. So I’m going to count this one as done.

WORK

2. Don’t get fired.

I didn’t!!

3. No major fuck-ups (that may lead to being fired and/or my supervisor seriously regretting his decision to hire me).

I think I’ve made mistakes but this year, no major fuck-ups I don’t think.

4. Get a professional certification.

I did! I got a professional cert in the field of privacy.

5. Learn to be a better supervisor.

I think I did this. I think I’m better, specifically, I’ve been very intentional with being open with the person I work with/supervise, not micro-managing, and trying to support her to do projects she’s interested in. I’m sure there’s still a ways to go, but I think I improved.

6. Be okay with being uncomfortable at work.

I’m never going to feel completely comfortable, I don’t think. But I’ve been better and taking on projects that I’m not sure how to handle, and trying my best. Also, I’ve never been more fucking uncomfortable organizing a work event in my life (this was the 1.5 months of hell) but it’s done and nobody died.

TANGIBLE-(ish) 7. Be smart with money.

I did a budget this year, breaking down my categories of spending. Pros: I kept within my vacation budget, kept mostly to my savings goal, didn’t spend too much on groceries, spent a reasonable amount on restaurants/bars and entertainment. Cons: I think I spent a bit too much on clothes. I saved a decent amount as well (an inheritance and a tax refund helped as well, but thankfully I didn’t spend those frivolously).

8. Read 35 books.

Nope, I only read 14. I’m gonna only aim for 30 next year. Sigh. It makes me sad that I don’t read as much anymore, but I also have a physical bookcase now (YAY!) which gives me more excuses to buy physical books (YAY?)

9. Cook at least 2 times a week.

By “cook”… what did I mean? I didn’t eat out for dinner often, but often my dinner would be a quickly assembled meal (I eat oatmeal for dinner more often than I would care to admit). I’ll say this is half done. I definitely TRIED to cook more (as in with the pay and all that) but definitely not consistently at twice a week.

10. Get an IUD.

I did this! I don’t know if my body likes it (ugh the side effects are a-nnoying!). But it’s done.

11. Volunteer.

I volunteered for 2 events in 2018, and last year (2019) I did 3. I enjoyed them all a lot!

12. Continue playing piano for fun.

Again, I’m so glad I bought that piano (keyboard). It’s been truly joyful to re-introduce music into my life.

13. Learn and keep a new hobby.

YES I DID THIS. My friends know that I constantly talk about wanting to pick up a new hobby (I actually also took 8 weeks of pottery classes earlier this year… which was totally not my jam). But I asked for a guitar from my mum for Christmas and she gave it to me early in November and learning to play it has been infinitely rewarding. I suck really bad but I suck a tiny bit less each time.

SPACE

14. Travel.

My travel goals were: Taiwan, the Rockies (Banff and Jasper), and either South America, Turkey, or Eastern Europe. Also, maybe Toronto over the holidays. And I was very very very tentatively thinking about going to New Zealand in 2020, so let’s cross our fingers.

In reality, I made it to: Taiwan, Rockies, Japan, and Toronto. Japan was a surprise trip of sorts since it wasn’t on my radar, but I went with my Japanese housemate and had an AMAZING time. I felt so so happy and calm there, it was incredible.

15. Settle into my living space.

I’m now stressed out that I own too much shit. I mean, I have two dressers, 2 bedside tables, a kitchen table, 2+ chairs, a couch, a TV, a piano, a guitar, a bookcase + books, a few organization things, and all this kitchen shit. The next move is gonna SUUUUCK. But… my living space feels like mine. I have a second room with my instruments and TV and wall decorations I love and honestly it makes me happy to just chill there around all of “my shit” and think to myself “this is me”. It’s taken like a year to slowly get my stuff (like, I bought a Dyson vacuum on Boxing Day…) but things do feel like they’ve come together in to a safe space.

16. Settle into my city.

This summer was sooo good, weather wise. I stayed in the city, went on lots of dates, and just hung out in the sunshine. It made me love living where I am, although the rainy months are gross. I’ve also grown to know the restaurants, bars, and grocery stores near me and downtown, all of which make me feel a bit more rooted. Yay for yearly themes, eh.

RELATIONSHIPS

17. Make 2 new friends.

I don’t know if they’re new friends since I met them before 2019, but I have formed stronger friendships with an old coworker, as well as re-building a friendship that I had kinda cut off early in the year. Both I’m going to count.

18. Date people!

I did this! I made a little mental note to myself that I’d accept any date someone asked if in person, in addition to a challenge with my friend to go on 3 online dates (w/ different people). This means I’ve went on “dates” (could be as casual as coffee) with someone who asked me out on the street, on a bus, through Instagram DMs, and through tinder. It’s been mostly good, I think.

19. See my mom at least once or twice a month.

I did this! Having a closer relationship with my mom is another one of those things that have built over the course of years, and that I look back and am thankful that past-me (when I was in Toronto) decided to call her once a week when I was pretty MIA in university. Now we’re a lot closer and she has helped me so much (like, she’s pretty much helped me completely furnish my place).

20. Be a better friend (support & generosity).

I think so. I cut my friend circle a little bit (especially high school friends that I realized I didn’t need to hold so closely. It’s funny because when I went away for university, I loved my HS friends so much and would eagerly see them every time I visited. Now that I’m back, I just feel like my HS friends know the old me, and that the current me has changed so much. Or just to say that I think while I’ll always be friendly and love them, I just don’t feel a pressure to be as active in those friendships as I did before. I dedicate myself to other ties.) I’ve deepened my friendships (that I care about) and I know I’m still learning how to be a better friend (always) but I’ve really put in the effort this year.

SELF

21. INTENTIONALITY.

This is a bit of a hit or miss. I mean, I regularly watch 40 minute Bon Appetit youtube videos (I would die for Claire) and read fewer books than I have in like 8 years. But I think I was kinda intentional with my time (making time to see friends, spending my vacation time traveling). I’ll give myself a half point for this.

22. Keep my mental health in check (and prioritize it).

I had 1.5 months of mental health hell, for real. I felt like I didn’t have any time to live my life, including buying groceries or eating dinner. It probably wasn’t that bad but my brain made it feel that way. However, that means I had 10.5 months of pretty decent mental health. If a work issue was the worst thing that happened to me this year, it must not have been that bad.

23. Figure out my finances.

Not really. I saved well, budgeted, but didn’t to the type of actual learning I was aiming for.

24. Fucking exercise.

No :(

25. Maintain my weight.

Yeah, I think so.

26. Be better than I currently am.

I…think so.

27. Take risks. Of all sorts. Because, why not. I had a really big(ish) decision this year and I was initially going to make a decision out of fear of risks. But part of my final thought process was that I think I’d be disappointed in myself that if when it all came down to the line, I decided not to make a potentially risky decision that was sitting in front of me. So even though the future is murky and unknown, I did take it. I also learned there are A LOT OF REASONS WHY NOT. I don’t like to describe anything I do as brave but a little part of me thought that by not doing the safe thing, I did the brave thing.

----

And.. that’s it. Final score (including the half points): 21.5 out of 27… I’m very pleased :) Who knew this year would turn out like this?

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turnsoutnoonewasexaggerating · 7 years

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Part Nine of The Sam Diaries

Read on Ao3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10507836/chapters/26359653

Andrew Minyard has never experienced luck. He doesn’t believe in it; luck, like destiny and fate and religion, seems to be based on the fanciful notion that there’s some kind of higher power that just really, really fucking hated Andrew as a child. He doesn’t much like the idea, though he supposes now the word will always remind him of the first words he spoke to Neil.

Regardless of whether he believes in luck or not, it seems the bad kind is intent on fucking up this day as much as possible. Neil’s close to a breakdown beside him, so the last thing they need is an interruption before they can get to their apartment.

“Are you Andrew or Aaron Minyard?” Andrew and Neil share a look trying to decide whether to turn around to face what is undoubtedly another stupid member of the press, or just say fuck it and run home. If Neil was on his own, he knew exactly what option he’d choose, but Andrew had never loved running like Neil did, and they’d had that whole meeting with PR…

They turn.

To both their surprise, though neither shows it, the person behind them is not a member of the press, but a woman with hunched shoulders, sleeves pulled over her hands and a wary look in her eyes. She must have been around the same age as the two of them, but the careful distance she keeps between them, and her wide-blown pupils make her look much younger. When Andrew just stares at her blankly, Neil following his lead, the woman huffs a sigh through her nose.

“I don’t want any trouble but I just thought… Well what are the chances of bumping into either one of you? I had to say something.” Neil narrows his eyes, something he’d been told by Dan made the freshman when he’d first become captain shit themselves. He is not in the mood for this crap right now. She doesn’t look like a die-hard followed-your-career-from-college Exy fan, especially as she’s said nothing about Neil, doesn’t even seem to recognise him, but he can’t think of another reason why she’d be looking for Andrew or Aaron. Andrew still doesn’t say anything, but Neil can almost hear the gears in Andrew’s mind turning, coming to the same conclusions as him. The woman does the same exasperated sigh again and holds her hands up in defeat. “Look, if you’re Andrew I want to say I’m sorry. I don’t know what you went through other than him, whether you went through anything else, but I know he was definitely bad enough.” The woman gives a small laugh that has very little humour in it as Andrew goes stiff. No, no, no… “And if you’re Aaron, I want to say thanks. I know you were doing it for your brother, but you killed more than just one man’s monster that day.”

There was only one man Aaron had killed.

Only one monster Aaron had destroyed.

The woman turns to leave, giving a little nod of her head. “Wait.” Andrew says, mostly apathetically but with more emotion in his voice than anyone outside of Neil has heard in years. He swallows thickly, and even though Neil is still frozen in horror from this and broken and wounded from talking to Eunoia, he feels the first ray of pride begin to thaw him out; stopping the woman from leaving was something the Andrew he’d first fallen for would never have done. This is only proved further by his next words. “Are you- Are you… Getting help? Seeing somebody about-” Andrew cuts himself off and tugs at the ends of his armbands angrily, annoyed at his inability to speak more coherently. Thankfully the woman seems to understand as some of the tension in her body eases.

“Yes.” She rubs a hand over her face and smiles a little, disbelievingly. “I, uh, almost didn’t make it out of university. You know how great this country is for mental health. Made a couple of good friends who got me to the hospital in time when I, uh, you know.” She says, gesturing to her legs. Neil hadn’t noticed before, but the shorts she’s wearing reveal scars on her thighs, one particularly deep one that runs way too close for comfort to the femoral artery. Thanks to his childhood, he can tell she’d missed the mark just by the placing of the scar (and obviously by the fact that she’s still alive; no matter how great her friends were, severing the femoral artery would result in death in a matter of minutes), but she hadn’t been far off. “Got myself sorted out a bit, after that. The government still pays for me to see someone but,” here she shrugs, “I’ve never trusted therapists.”

Neil shoots Andrew a look that says see; it’s not just me which Andrew ignores. Instead Andrew takes his time forming what he wants to say before responding. “I told someone what he’d done to me, and he promised that he’d stop Cass from fostering anyone else. I wasn’t thinking- It wasn’t a pleasant conversation and it didn’t occur to me until the day Aaron killed him that the person I told was lying about that promise too.” Andrew didn’t say sorry, Andrew didn’t believe in regret. But there’s something in Andrew’s eyes, something that Neil thinks he’d perhaps uncovered with Robin. Andrew had always accepted his part of the blame that Drake had been allowed to continue unchecked after he left the Spears, but the older he became, the more stories he heard, the more he let those stories affect him in ways he would never have allowed to even touch him as a university student, the heavier that blame sat on his shoulders. The woman sees that something, understands it more intimately than Neil did (because yes, there were other people, sometimes innocent, mostly not, who’d been seriously hurt because of him and his mother as they’d ran from Nathan, but as much as Nathan would always remain the main tormentor in Neil’s nightmares, he had at least never gone after someone else just to cause Neil pain. Threatened other people; yes. Did Neil believe he would have killed them? Definitely. But his preferred method was always just to kill his main target, so the collateral damage to Neil and Mary’s choices had been very minimal), and sticks her hand out for Andrew to shake.

He does so after a second of hesitance, and the woman smiles her barely-there smile again.

“My name is Rosa deRosales because my birth mother seriously did not love me, but I prefer to go by literally anything else.”

“Well, Literally Anything Else, this is quite possibly the shittiest thing I’ve ever had in common with someone.” Neil blinks.

Did Andrew just-

No.

He couldn’t have- He wouldn’t have-

But-

Did Andrew Minyard just make a dad joke?

“Please, gorgeous, look at me.”

It has been ten strained minutes since Andrew and Neil had left the ice-cream parlour. Eunoia paces the length of the store, shoving the tables out of her way the first few times. Sam had waited for her to break the silence, but when her expression hadn’t changed while her pacing increased in speed and ferocity (to the point where Eunoia was almost stamping over her newly mopped floors), Sam had moved into her path.

Her head snaps up to look at him obediently but Sam knows it isn’t him she’s seeing. She keeps pacing until they were nose to nose and there she stops, the silence as tense and fraught with broken glass as a bombed city. “What do you want me to do?” He whispers, his voice strained and desperate. “Tell me gorgeous, what can I do?”

“What do you want me to do?” Eunoia’s pleading voice reaches slowly through the fog in his mind. A nightmare. He’d had a nightmare, and now he doesn’t know where he is. Panic begins to race his heartbeat. “Tell me banana, what can I do?”

“Where are we?” He asks back, shakily, digging his fingers into his thighs harshly enough that he can ground himself to the feeling. Eunoia’s hands curl round his and entangle his fingers with hers. Huh, that works too.

“We’re in our apartment, in the kitchen. You had a nightmare but you’re safe. You’re here with me.”

“You won’t leave?” He trembles as she leads him over to the sofa and sits him down on it, sitting herself in his lap but thankfully not turning the lights on.

“Of course not. Do you want to talk about it?” He can hear in her voice that this has shaken her; his dreams were usually more the common garden variety types, not the existential-crisis-in-the-middle-of-the-night types. He strokes her thumbs with his soothingly.

“When I first asked my mum if there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone, you know that she said yes.” Eunoia’s hands tighten around his, barely constrained rage tensing her body. “She also said we could fix it.”

“There’s nothing to fix!” Eunoia exclaims hotly and Sam feels a little more normal when he smiles wryly, an unusual expression for him, usually so earnest and honest in his happiness.

“I didn’t think that at the time. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be liked. Mum persuaded my brother to start taking me to all his parties, I don’t know how, probably said that she’d help him pay for his car or something. I hated them. They weren’t fun parties, and I don’t like large groups of strangers anyway. It was all drugs and drinking which is fine in small doses but everyone was reckless and doing stupid stunts. And there was so much sex. All the time, everywhere. There wasn’t one quiet corner in the house that didn’t have some people hooking up there. My brother would never stay with me, he’d always abandon me to go and have fun with his friends and I just-” Sam cuts himself off with a shudder and Eunoia disentangles their hands so she can pull him fully into her arms, head tucked into the crook between her neck and shoulder, legs wrapped firmly round his sides.

Sam squeezes her waist, inhaling her smell deeply, anchoring himself to the present. They’re alone; even if Sam turns on the lights it’d still be just the two of them. “I hate your mother.” Eunoia says, matter-of-factly, after they’ve been sat there for a while.

Eunoia recognises the words almost against her will, a thread of awareness coming back to her eyes.

“Sam?” He leans forward lightly till their foreheads brush and Eunoia lets out a quiet agonised sigh. “Oh. Oh, my God. Sam.” She looks at the door where Andrew and Neil had gone and then down at her hands. “Fuck. Fuck!”

She spins away and sits at the closest table head in her hands. Sam doesn’t know whether she wants him to come over or not. “The FBI? Sam, what the fuck? Does he get off on hurting people?” She drums her hand against the table, loudly enough that the person walking their dog outside looks around for the source of the noise. “Agents? My parents weren’t, they weren’t- Fuck!”

“Why would they lie?” Sam asks gently, which is apparently exactly the wrong thing to say. Eunoia jabs a finger towards him, eyes narrowed.

“Just because you’ve got a boner for Minyard doesn’t mean he can’t be a massive asshole!” She snarls, picking the words that hurt the most. That’s the problem with letting someone know you. He flinches, because she knows he’s never thought about Andrew like that, that the whole thing was an inside joke between the two of them long before he ever met the Exy player in real life, that trivializing the stuttering way he’d tried to explain his fascination with the goalkeeper is exactly what everyone else has been doing to him his whole life but never Eunoia, never her.

He doesn’t want to be here, he wants to leave, but he also knows he can’t leave her. That’s the problem with falling in love.

Instead, he sits on the floor, leaning his head against the counter, and waits for things to get better.

N��<��

#Andreil #My writing #Andrew Minyard #Neil Josten #tfc #aftg #My OC Sam #My OC Eunoia #TSD

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sin-scythes-and-assaults · 7 years

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Family Sucks: The Rant (tm)

When I see posts and videos that are like ‘aw my mum/dad/carer are so cool I relate to them so much we’re best friends!!! !! !! ! ! !! !! !!!!’ I wanna just cry tbh because I know that I will never have anything like that??? I feel like I need to get the whole story out for whoever is reading this to understand so I guess ill start with my dad. My dad, for lack of a better term, is an arsehole. For all his claims that ‘you’re my child of course I love you!’, he really had a problem showing that. When I think of him, I don't think about the now-obvious attempts to win us over in some silent war between my mum and him - I think of how he’d ask me what I did at school (aged 6), and then completely ignore what I said, saying a quiet ‘uh huh, yeah, sounds great!’ as he sat on his phone in the car waiting for my older sister. I’d remember the disinterest he had towards us in terms of our hobbies and interests, and even discouraged me at times because the things I wanted to do ‘weren’t suitable for a girl’ (it was fishing. I wanted to learn how to fucking fish like both of my brothers, and he said no because I was a girl. I had to teach myself and save up for months to buy my own rod, bearing in mind I was about 8-10yo at the time). I’d remember the screaming matches at 3 in the morning with my mother, who I didn't realise was actually standing up for herself for once. My mum, when I was younger, wasn't much different. However, she had a reason, and I excuse her for it. She used to work full time as a nurse, with very limited pay, and had to look after my three siblings and I, not to mention provide for a father who did next to nothing about the house, but contributed greatly to the bills. She was tired - and I don't mean ‘yawn ooh I'm a little bit sleepy’. I mean. Tired. She tried not to fall asleep during mealtimes, knowing that in a few hours she’d have to go on another 11 hour shift. She’d take sleep where she could, but it wasn't enough because she had to look after four of us and a father who was barely there. We were a poor family, mainly because my dad refused to help with anything other than the mortgage and the electricity and gas bills. He didn't pay for food for a family of 6 every week, my mum did, and she barely made enough money as it was. Also, I don't know why, but I have always thought that, to some extent, these severe money problems were my fault. Don't ask why, I just thought they were. She tried to connect with all of us while she could, but I think that because I was the youngest, I was the last priority. I felt excluded from the whole family, being constantly picked on by my older brothers and my sister, too. My self worth also went down when I made friends with a certain girl in my year at school. She abused me. She hit me, slapped me across the face, bit me and dug her nails into my skin until I bled. This happened regularly. I still have a scar on my hand when she decided to make me play a ‘cute game’ where one person was basically to hurt themselves until the other person completed a task. (I wont go into details about this game bc its fucking horrible) She didn't even properly tell me what was happening, only to ‘trust her’, and I ended up getting hurt for it. She humiliated me in front of someone I had a crush on for almost a year multiple times, called me fat (which prompted me to have a very bad diet consisting of only one small meal a day and nothing else, thinking it would make me attractive), worthless, and blackmailed me into staying in contact with her, even until about 4 or 5am most nights. This took a toll on my mental health, and I started to self harm. Life sucked, I finally confronted her about it with my best friend, and she fucked off, claiming she was the victim. I managed to stop self harming. Things got better. But!! !!! !!!! ! A few years later I fell out with my Best friend over something (I cant even remember what??? I'm p sure it was my fault though and I still feel fucking terrible) and we didn't talk to each other again (I recently got in contact with her though and she’s still as amazing as ever. I missed her so much) Fast forward to the second half of 2014, where my parents arguing had come to a head (bearing in mind, the reason for said fighting was kept from me until only a few months ago) and my dad had permanently moved out. They got a divorce and now live miles away from each other. My dad, being the glorious fuckwit he is, decided to give us a total of 3 months to sell our house, find a new one to buy that was more affordable and could house 5 people (which was simply impossible) and move in. This is because he decided to stop paying the mortgage , and we had three ‘paid’ months left until it essentially got repo’d, unless we find this magical fantasy house he left us to find. As you can imagine, it didn't go well. We did manage to sell our house, but we had to lower the price drastically so the snotty family that bought it would actually consider it (they were arseholes too). So we had limited money from the sale of our house to buy the one we had picked out, which was now too expensive for us. We didn't get the rest of the money in time. We ended up homeless for a year, but fortunately, my gran had a big house. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough room for us all, even if we shared. My eldest brother, Dominic, was essentially ‘booted out’ to go live with his girlfriend and her family because he was ‘expected to’. We hardly see him now. (I miss him) I had to share a room with multiple family members, so I had no privacy at all. The only time I was alone was when I was in the shower. Meanwhile, my gran was picking apart my school life, my hobbies and my interests, saying that what I wanted out of my future wasn't worthwhile. I had to deal with this for a year. A year. I relapsed into self harm, almost went through with killing myself on multiple occasions, and thought about genuinely just up and running just so I could leave all the shit behind. We found a house. It was a shithole and the seller was wanting way more than it was worth -It was all we could afford. We bought it. We had to spend thousands damp proofing the whole house because the guy lied and said he had done it. We had to spend thousands on new windows because they had severe problems and were letting in currents of water when it rained. There was rot beneath the floor and in the attic so we had to spend hundreds to get it redone. We became very very poor again. I could hear my mum crying herself to sleep at night again. If we had been any more in debt we would have had to sell this house just months after getting it. My room is so small I cant lie out on my floor without my feet hitting a wall, the walls are so thin that I can hear my sister breathing as she sleeps in the room across the hall. I began to collect plants. They depended on me, they needed me, and that's the kind of responsibility that I needed - something wanted me. I had something to look forward to at the end of the day. I had mini hydrangeas, a trellis with honeysuckle and jasmine by my window, lavender, lemonbalm, everything. I knew what their individual needs and wants were and in turn they helped me sleep at night. They started to die. My mum had decided to spray them with a pesticide that was too ‘strong’ for them, and in the wrong places. Their leaves started to rot and they all. Died. I still act to this day that it wasn't a big deal, that it was just a silly mistake, but I know that I wont ever find that same happiness again????? I think about those plants sometimes and somehow I always bring the blame around to me and I don't understand why I do that with everything?? Regardless, I was fucking sad and my mum started to bitch about it. Then, I find out a few months ago that the reason that my mum and dad got a divorce was because my dad had been cheating since at least the mid 90′s. since a few years before I was born. For 18 fucking years he had been cheating, all with different women apparently, and I had been fucking clueless. Again, because I'm a self-depreciating piece of shit, I brought the blame back to me and tell myself ‘if you noticed sooner you could've said to ma and she wouldn't have had to go through that shit’ but the thing is, I know I wouldn't have realised because I didn't know any different??? And when I tried to talk to my ma about it one thing she said was that ‘there were faults on both sides’ and now that's got me thinking ‘what if she cheated too?’ If it turns out she has, I seriously don't know what I'm going to do??? because shes made it out all these years that they've been divorced that my dad is the ‘bad guy’ and I don't know what I'm going to do if I find out the woman I've been heralding as ‘strong and brave’ for standing up to that kind of behaviour from my dad did the same thing And it scares me so much Who knows I might add to this later through an edit but now im in a rlly sad place n I wanna stop

#don't rb #ciod an ifrinn #mmmm gotta love that excluded feeling

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the-bounce-back · 5 years

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I FEEL GOOD, SOMETIMES I DON’T

I should probably start by saying that this post will be very different from what I’ve previously shared on here.

In all honesty, I was unsure if I should even post this at all. When I started this blog, my vision for it was that it was going to be a hub for infinite good vibes, positive energy and empowerment for myself and whoever ended up reading it to combat and eventually overcome depression, anxiety, emotionally harmful thoughts and so on. But I’m realising now that I’ve made a bit of a mistake in my approach.

So far, I’ve been writing about aspects of my mental health that I’ve already overcome, accepted and healed from - hence why I’ve been able to write my advice with so much self-assurance and positivity. Writing about things within my comfort zone and knowing that my learning from my experiences has helped people has undeniably made me feel really great lately. However - behind the scenes, to put it dramatically and in true Liv style - the past couple weeks have been really, really sh*t for me.

It’s hard for me to even write this, because it forces me to acknowledge that things really aren’t okay right now. I kept convincing myself that I shouldn’t put it on here, because it really goes against the light and fun tone I’ve been able to maintain from the start. But after much thought, I remembered something very important:

As much as I wish that the positivity and self-confidence I’ve been feeling for the past couple months could magically erase the years of mental health issues, it just doesn’t add up or make sense. Of course there will be be bad days, slumps, insecurities and irrational thoughts from time to time that manage to rear their ugly heads - it’s a part of the healing process. It makes perfect logical sense, because it’s how we overcome these times that end up proving how strong and resilient we have become.

I say that, like I haven’t been in denial that a slump has been looming for a while now. I’ve been so obsessed with this happiness and positivity that I’ve been feeling, that I’ve literally forced myself to ignore the huge red flags that everything was going to go to sh*t very soon. I tried to rationalise that the feeling of unease in my stomach was due to the novelty of moving and securing this job has begun to wear off, and that text book near-panic attacks were just due to me being tIrEd or hUnGrY.

I’ve decided to write about this, because I also want to normalise the hard and sh*t parts of healing. I want people to know that having bad days is okay, not being a ray of f*cking sunshine all the time is okay, having meltdowns is okay, that not feeling okay is okay - as cringe as that may sound. I also want to show that not having all the answers all the time, winging it and having a well deserved whine and moan is fine, too - and that’s essentially what this post is going to be about. I need to f*cking vent.

These past couple of weeks have been hell for me, to put it lightly, and as earlier mentioned, I chose to ignore every single sign that a slump was pending. When I’d come home from work with a gnawing feeling in my stomach that something bad was going to happen, I’d just binge eat a bunch of junk food and then go to sleep so I didn’t have to think. Whenever I’d be dangerously close to realising that the happiness I’ve been feeling is slowly but surely crumbling, I’d find myself forcing myself to banter and laugh about the whole situation so that I could mask how shit I was feeling about myself. And when I had two separate anxiety-attacks - which I haven’t had in ages - I forced myself to make light of them and make jokes.

Honestly. I feel like such an idiot for not taking them seriously. The first one was me waking up at my mates house after her birthday party with an insanely high heart rate and in a cold sweat. I was the only one awake at the time and I was actually really scared of dealing with it alone, so I ended up leaving. I later made light of it by saying that it was probably just because I was still drunk, that I’m a drama queen and that I was definitely feeling better after sleeping in my own bed.

The second one happened literally a couple days later. I blacked out and almost fainted on my commute into work. I‘ve experienced lightheadedness and dizziness before, but this was definitely different. My vision was blurry, I was seeing black dots around me, the music I was listening to kind of faded out and sounded muffled - like I was underwater - and my legs were shaking like mad. If I hadn’t had something to cling very tightly to, I’m very convinced that I would’ve passed out and fallen. I still can’t remember how I managed to stumble off the train at the right stop, but when I finally got some fresh air and my senses stabilised, I noticed how much of a cold sweat I was in.

Most normal people would’ve realised that they needed a time out at this point, but not I - I was forcing myself to believe that I was still happy, that everything was okay, that I just needed to ensure that I got a good night's sleep and eat something. I only told my housemate, my sister and my mum what had happened, made jokes about not wanting to go on WebMD because it’d tell me my brain is hemorrhaging… and then went about my day.

Right now I’m really torn, because I really want to internally punch myself up for not listening to my body...but at the same time I’m trying to be kInDeR tO mYsElF and fOrGiVe MySeLf for not following my own advice. Who even am I?

With all jokes aside and the background for this post out of the way, let me get very real.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been having this feeling of unease for a while now. This is a classic sign of anxiety - feeling that since things are seemingly too good to be true, something terrible must be coming up to ruin the peace. Since I know that when I usually feel like this it’s just down to irrational thinking, I kept suppressing the feeling and convincing myself that I was gucci.

Only this time, the feeling was real. I received some potentially life-changing news last week, that really rattled me to my core. I don’t even want to share what it is at this point, because I’m worried that discussing it openly on here will manifest it more than I already have by telling the few people I trust. All you as a reader needs to know is that it was heartbreaking and very illusion-shattering, and it definitely pushed me over the edge that I had no idea I was so close to.

The interesting thing about receiving bad news is that the way you take it onboard says a lot about your mental state. If you’re in a good place mentally - much like I was a couple weeks ago - chances are that you’ll be able to deal with it in a healthy manner and feel very assured that things will turn out fine, at least after the initial shock. But unfortunately, since I’ve spent the past couple of weeks convinced that something bad is going to happen, it’s really just sent me in this massive downward spiral.

When I get sad - like, really, really sad - my usual composed and collected self goes out of the window and my mind goes down a very irrational and self-deprecating path. My first thought when I heard the bad news was that it was my fault - I felt like I had literally spoken and willed it into existence, and blamed myself. Of course, it’s easy for me to see the irrationality of this feeling as I’m writing about it within a short window of sanity before the next emotional downswing comes. But when I let myself just be sad, I really and truly blame myself, and I don’t even know how to stop it.

The problem with me is that I struggle a lot with separating different things going on in my mind when I’m feeling like sh*t. I can never be in my feelings about one isolated thing - once the waterworks start, I really just feel sad about everything until I feel like there’s literally no point to my life anymore, and I start contemplating whether this life really and truly is even worth all this stress. The phrase “when it rains, it pours” is even an understatement, because why am I being attacked by this storm from a million different directions?

The maddest thing is that I feel like I deserve it, even though it literally makes no sense. I find myself thinking that this sh*t is all happening because I’ve made such a big deal out of putting my own mental and emotional wellbeing above my own family and friends - and now I’m being punished for it. I’m not entirely sure how or why this concept that I’m being punished has even manifested itself in my mind, but lately it’s really been taking over and literally poisoned my thoughts.

It’s my own fault that my relationship that my family is strained - I was the one who decided to move away.

My family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances don’t really care about me, or particularly like me for that matter - they just tolerate me because I’m there. It wouldn’t make any difference to them if I lived or died.

The pride, confidence and success I’ve been feeling careerwise lately is going to come crashing down any second now, because I don’t even really have the brains or resilience to make it like that. I’m an imposter, and people will soon realise it.

The immense loneliness I feel from time to time is there because deep down I know that the people I deem important in my life only see me as a background character in theirs.

I’m putting up a front that the failure of my last relationship it was all for the best and that I learned and grew from it, but deep down I know I’ll probably never fully be ok again. And even if I was to, I’d never be capable of loving them back because I’ve become too emotionally apathetic to feel anything for anyone again.

This confidence in my beauty that I’ve been feeling lately is all a scam. Deep down I know that I’m hideous, and no amount of healthy eating, working out, positive affirmations or glowing up will ever be capable of changing that.

...you get the point. It was actually really hard to type those out - as mentioned earlier in my blog, putting words to feelings you usually keep buried inside is genuinely traumatising. The thing is, when I read back what I’ve written when I’m in a good frame of mind I know it’s all rubbish. I know that my family and friends are proud of me and my success. I know that I matter. I know that the loneliness is my head messing with me and unresolved issues, because I’m surrounded by amazing friends. I know that when the time is right and I’m emotionally ready, I’ll settle down with someone on my wavelength that actually deserves me. I know that I’m very beautiful.

But the power of the mind really is a force to be reckoned with. It’s terrifying. It really has me thinking so irrationally and doubting my own knowledge, and it’s so emotionally draining. Furthermore, it convinces me that I’m the only person in the world feeling like this, that I’m some sort of emotional outcast that’s carrying this huge burden in secret. I literally feel like I can’t tell anyone how I truly feel anymore because - even though I preach about being unapologetic about feelings - I’m terrified that I’ll be judged, thought to be overdramatic or labelled as attention-seeking.

I think the horrible and most frustrating part of this whole slump business is the three states of mind I differentiate between until it passes. I’m either balanced, really f*cking numb or really f*cking sad.

The balanced part - not to be confused with actually being content - is the state of mind that I force myself to be in when I’m at work or need to interact with people and feel relatively normal. People don’t even know - or care - enough to see that I’m constantly having to fight myself to not be affected by anything that could trigger the other two mindstates.

The sadness that takes over from time to time is the hardest to deal with because it’s so unpredictable. I’ll just be going about my day at work, sitting on the bus, hanging out with friends, watching a movie alone when I suddenly just feel tears coming. Most of the time I don’t even know why it’s coming because it seemingly doesn’t even have a trigger. All I know is that it’s really f*cking hard to keep the tears back, and if I let the tears come I know it will go on for a really long time.

The third and final one - the numbness - is definitely the most scary one of the three simply because it’s so out of character for me. I’ve been a quite sensitive person my entire life - as in no stranger to crying and getting in my feelings - so when these feelings began to emerge I was worried that there was something wrong with me or that I had snapped. Well, I would’ve been worried if I had been capable of feeling it at the time. As someone that’s used to crying whenever things get hard, suddenly feeling numb, empty and unbothered by all the sh*t that’s going on is a massive red flag. The first time I felt it - in conjunction with ending things with my ex - my therapist theorised that it was my brains way of protecting and repairing itself from the overwhelming amount of sadness I had been feeling. I’m no neurologist so I don’t know if this is correct - but it would make sense if that was the case. The numbness, apathy and lack of emotion was a blessing at first, but I soon noticed that it actually makes me not even give a f*ck about my family, friends, job, body or health either - which simply isn’t me. In the long run, the lack of emotion really ended up taking a toll on my health. I was drinking very excessively at this point in time and tried other substances that I know for a fact I wouldn’t have dreamt of trying otherwise - simply because I didn’t care if I lived or died anymore.

Luckily my periods of numbness aren’t as bad as that anymore. I’d like to think that it’s because I have become more resilient and mentally strong since then, but I’m not even sure anymore. All I know is that when I lie in bed at night and try to allow myself to cry to let out all the pent up emotions, the tears don’t even come. That’s how I know that something is very wrong.

Whenever I feel myself slipping into this rotation of mindstates, I desperately try to find a way to get out of it because I’m scared of how long it is going to last this time. You might as well call me Solange, because I literally try to work, laugh, sex, joke, eat, drink, shop, clean, read, cry, sleep, pray, ignore and - as you can see - write it away. Sometimes I’m able to distract myself for brief periods of time, but as soon as the good feeling wears off I’m just back to feeling like sh*t again. I’m scared now that all the positivity that I’ve been feeling in conjunction with moving and starting a new job is beginning to wear off, and that going back to constantly having this underlying sense of sadness and loneliness will fully take over my life again.

Unfortunately, only time will tell. And much like Solange implies, I can’t keep trying to avoid confronting my problems. I’m just going to have to ride this sh*t out, hope for the best and force myself to stay positive, even though it all feels really hopeless right now. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to revisit this post and share the lessons and solutions I’ve been able to devise by going through it - after all, that’s what I’ve been doing in my previous posts. But I don’t know when that will be.

I could go on writing about this forever, but my mind tends to go around in circles when I feel like this and I feel like I’d just be repeating myself. Although the purpose of this post was for me to have an outlet for my emotions before I ended up snapping and going full on Mrs. Hyde, I hope that me sharing how I’ve been feeling can let whoever might be going through a similar period know that they aren’t alone, regardless of how lonely and alienated the sadness makes them feel.

I want to round up this post with a short list of tips for whoever can relate to this post, on how I personally try to make these episodes at least slightly easier to deal with (Because is it even a Bounce Back post if it doesn’t have tips in bullet points? I don’t think so):

Time your productivity with your emotional upswings.

If you’re anything like me, the particularly bad feelings come and go in waves. When you can feel that you’re in a good-ish state of mind, make sure you address all your responsibilities, chores and other things you need to do. Don’t worry too much about the amount of extra time it ends up taking - taking slightly longer on a task is much better than doing it when you’re in a sh*t mood and would honestly just want to off yourself. For reference, it’s taken me two weeks to write this blog post just because I didn’t want to write it while being miserable - because I knew it wouldn’t be very helpful, would make me feel worse and probably wouldn’t make much sense.

Don’t neglect yourself.

Luckily I have a full time job now that doesn’t allow me to fall into patterns of self-neglect anymore. But if I didn’t, I’m positive that I’d just be in bed taking depression naps, netflixing, ignoring everyone and either overeating or not eating at all. In fact, that’s literally me on weekends when I don’t have plans. Not healthy or helpful at all, in other words.

A shower (or even better...a bubble bath), brushing your teeth, leaving your room, eXeRcIsE, fresh air and a cheeky cuppa really does do wonders in terms of mood-lifting. I promise that giving yourself that extra push to do at least 3 of those things will make you at least feel like you’ve done something with your day so you don’t have to be so hard on yourself for being a lazy sh*t.

Keep your living space clean (!!!)

Fun fact - I may or may not have burst into tears after coming home from work the other day and seeing that there was a whole lot of sh*t on my unmade bed and on the floor. On my good days I’m usually a bit (a lot) of a neat freak, so when my living space is disgusting it really just is a reflection and a brutal reminder of how bad my state of mind is. Of course, I had no one but myself to blame for the mess but it really ended up being the last drop that sent me over the edge.

If you at the very least make sure your floor, bed and other areas you know you’re going to want to wallow in self pity in later on are tidy, it really does make a huge difference. One less thing to have a meltdown over; we stan.

Force yourself to believe that it will pass.

This is really difficult when you literally feel like you want to play in traffic. But try your best to remember other times in the past where you felt like your life was falling apart and appreciate that the lessons you learnt from that have made you slightly more resilient this time around, even though it may not feel so.

For example - regardless of how terrible I feel right now, I remember times when I couldn’t even brave leaving my bed to go to uni or work...and that was for a lot less bullsh*t than what I’m going through now. Furthermore, the more of these episodes I have, the easier it is to convince myself that it will, in fact, pass. It always does. You just have to ride it out.

Don’t isolate yourself.

I thought I’d finish with the one that’s the most challenging (for me). I’m naturally a bit of a loner - always have been. Going to other people to talk about how much I’m struggling has never come naturally for me - it’s not really until my adult life that I’ve learnt to understand the importance and benefits of talking to others. Furthermore, when my brain tells me that my family and friends don’t even f*ck with me like that, it really is a huge challenge to overcome that feeling of insecurity and reach out to the people that supposedly hAtE mE. I’d rather just stay in bed and protect my feelings by just being alone and then cry about feeling lonely. Make it make sense, please.

Of course, this is far from healthy and it is imperative to learn how to break away from this pattern of thinking. Nowadays I force myself to leave my room and annoy my housemate, force myself to grace my friends with my comedic abilities so I can at least try to have a laugh, and force myself to reach out to family members that I’ve managed to convince myself don’t really want to talk to me.

It really does make a massive difference and I promise you that you will be positively surprised. It really makes you remember that it’s all in your head and makes you more able to disregard the feelings when they come and try to attack you.

Whew enfant. I definitely feel better now. Apologies in advance for the rambling and the probable confusion, but to be honest no one really forced you to read it. I don’t really know how to end a post like this, so I’ll just finish up by reminding whoever needs to hear it (including myself) that these feelings are normal and will pass, as well as that feeling like this doesn’t imply weakness or a lessening of worth.

Keep telling yourself that until you believe it.

In the meantime, I’m going to try my best to keep my head above water and keep dishing out posts about how to get through times like this. Fear not, I still have loads of ideas that I want to share - and I’m not letting a sh*tty couple weeks ruin the good thing I’ve started.

Love,

Liv

#mentalillness #selfhelp

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turquoiseterrier · 7 years

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So, I've seen a lot of talk about how Robert has regressed, how he's ruined, how this is all just Chrobert 2.0 and to be quite frank... it's pissing me off. He has NOT regressed. We all knew he was capable of some erm... less than desirable things, shall we say. We just haven't seen that side to him for a while because a) he hasn't had cause to be this way, and b) when he has, Aaron has been there to keep him from going too far. In this case, he's trying to keep this FROM Aaron, and thus the shittier side of him is coming out full force. 2017!Robert is 2015!Robert, they aren't two different people, we've just seen a new side to him since the beginning of last year. He is NOT ruined – see above. He's capable of some shit, he can be a complete (enter word of choice here) when he wants to be, and to me at least, he hasn't been written out of character, it's just something he is 100% capable of that we haven't seen for a while (though I do believe we've grown out of the murder plots, he's realised that at least). This is NOT Chrobert 2.0 – seriously? Really? -headdesk- Okay... *When he was trying all ways to keep the Aaron affair from Chrissie, it was for his own benefit, to keep the lifestyle that he thought he wanted (and also a fear of being outed). He was never seen to be upset or stressed, only angry when it didn't go his way. *He was willing (if a little reluctant because it would destroy his marriage) to tell Aaron everything, the only thing that stopped him was Chas. He's now been told by Chas to keep it quiet, yet seeing Rebecca around the village is causing him stress, her attitude is winding him up and now he has the pregnancy to deal with (my thoughts on that are in another post, not going into that here) and the threat of Rebecca and now Ross telling Aaron everything. He is OBVIOUSLY stressed and worked up about it, it was made even clearer in last nights episode, something we never saw in 2015. *When he's trying to keep this from Aaron, it's for Aaron's benefit more than his own. His comment about Liv being worried if Aaron got stressed out and did something stupid last night... he wasn't talking about Liv, he was talking about HIMSELF. He's terrified that if Aaron finds this out he'll be so stressed he'll hurt himself or worse, and the only reason Aaron hasn't noticed how stressed he is is because Aaron himself is in a very bad place right now. *This whole entire cover-up, from Chas' initial actions at the prison visit stopping Robert from telling him, right up to now is protecting Aaron. Both Robert and Chas are scared this knowledge would send Aaron over the edge, so they're trying to protect him. Is it right? Probably not. Understandable, though? 100%. *His 'manipulation' of Aaron last night to get him to go to Mauritius? Erm... I didn't see it like that. He saw an opportunity to get Aaron the hell away from the potential stress with the added benefit of seeing his Mum and Liv at the same time. A little bit of light persuasion, of course because of the reasons Aaron gave: work, and probation. Manipulation? Not really. Using Aaron's mental health as an excuse? Yeah, but this entire cover-up is an attempt to keep Aaron's mental health from crumbling even further, so... methods might not be great, but his intentions behind it are. But if you want to go on thinking that this is EXACTLY the same as Chrobert, that Aaron is Chrissie 2.0, that Robert is ruined as a character, that he's the devil in disguise... you know, completely forgetting all of his character development because of one mistake and a few undesirable things he's doing right now... you go right on ahead, I won't be with you because you are obviously watching a very different show to me.

#emmerdale #robron #negativity #i guess #better to be safe on that one

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movietweets · 6 years

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Thor

Okie dokie, here we go one more time (obviously we’ll be doing it more times than one more) for another MCU film. This time I’ve got a jar of delicious greasy olives to hand and I’ll be watching Thor (2011).

The only difference between this and other tweet-alongs is that I’m actually not going to tweet it! Yeah... I know that’s not really allowed but screw you! I make the rules and I prefer this format with the pictures and everything all at once.

Also since starting this I’ve lost 5 followers. It means almost nothing to me but I don’t want to be an annoying pest and I can see how filling up your timelines with endless tweets about a film you’re not even watching could get irritating. So suck it up, this is how it’s going to be from now on.

Anyway, on with the show.

What’s this? A rag-tag band of misfits in a van! If only they had a dog it could have been Scooby and the gang! They even have a Velma.

Daphney’s on point but looks like something awful happened to Fred. So sign of shaggy or scoob yet, no doubt they’re off somewhere making unrealistically tall sandwiches.

Oh, but maybe they’re baddies... they do appear to have a bomb,

Whoops, things aren’t going so well for them now. I’m having twister flashbacks!

Damn! Did they just hit someone? Maybe they are baddies...at least they got out to try and help. This has a sort of teen horror movie intro vibe to it. I’m sensing that they all might die soon.

Oh now we’ve jumped back in time and now its a history documentary, That was unexpected!

Oh not these guys from Game of Thrones! Is this set in Westeros then? Even the music is a bit like the GoT intro music.

Okay, this is a wackiest one yet, two alien races (that nonetheless look roughly humanoid) are having a war together on earth (of all places). It’s a little bit lord of the rings too. I’m having all kinds of feelings here.

Asgard: also known as Organ pipe city.

So what? Fight to the death? My money is on the blond kid, the other one looks like the jealous villain type.

I guess he did win then...Look at that cheeky wink. Although, I think it was aimed at his mother? Maybe that’s normal here.

Healthy Asgardian flirting with mum

Alternate cast of The Lord of the Rings

And that guy dressed in jealous green must be his brother from before. Man he looks bitter. I bet he turns out to be the main baddy. These films have a track record of introducing the baddy within the first 10 minutes and I get the feeling it isn’t going to be Velma or any of the Mystery Machine bunch.

Oh Heck! Its an icy man! They’re baddies too!

Ooo, don’t piss off King daddy!

He’s such a sneaky snake. If only Thor didn’t have such an ego. He’s like Norse Tony Stark

Typical Gimli, in the room for 5 seconds and already grabbed a massive plate of food.

Roadtrip!

Why are they riding horses though, isn’t this world super high tech? Come to think of it, why are they wearing armor and fighting with swords? Don’t they have laser guns? Even that bloke from Ironman, living in a hovel in Russia, managed to cobble together a laser weapon. What gives!?

Idris Elba! Oh I hope he’s a main character! Looks like he needs a rest though... his eyes are pretty bloodshot.

Is this where rainbow road from mariocart is set? Or is that some kind of future techno-path?

Ideally I’d like to make some clever comment about this transportation sphere thing but its just too bizarre... Who know’s maybe this is what alien technology is like?

Hold your breath guys!

Could have said something earlier Asian Aragron! No use piping up now with your doubts!

Yep, I’m sure he’s going to back down now. He seems like the backing down type to be honest. Not a hot head, just easy going Thor, trying not to upset anyone.

Nobody calls me a woman! Even though there’s nothing wrong with being a woman. I’m not a sexist demi-god, really I promise! I know literally every other religion has a pretty bad track record but I’m different... It wasn’t what he said, it was the way he said it!

Daaaaammnnnn! You got burned son! How you gonna let him front like that?

Oww! You got me right in the hand! No fair! And down he goes like a premiership football player.

Cool hammer trick, I wonder how he does it? Magnets? It’ll definitely be magnets. I’ll bet it’s magnets.

Oh no! Frostbite! I’m sure there won’t be any long term consequences though.

Why is he only pulling out that attack now? Also, great wrist action, that must come in useful... Some friends he’s got though leaving him there to fight alone.

Another neat trick...This guy is a demon with the hammer.

Okay, now this is just hammer porn.

How many legs does that horse have? Is that part of the mythology?

Uh oh! Somebody is going to be grounded when they get home!

Isn’t Thor the god of lighting? If Final Fantasy has taught me anything about elemental damage its that he should have gained HP from that taser.

He’s going to end up in an institution! Hasn’t he worked it out that he’s on earth yet? They all knew about earth earlier.

Here’s Johnny!

I guess you’re not going to be crowned King Arthur.

Told you! That’s it buddy, you’re in the system now. Your only hope is a Native American smashing a window with a water fountain.

Wow, Portman really has a knack for running this guy over.

HMB I’m going to get me a kingdom.

Okay party’s over. Agent killjoy is here.

Yeah, real subtle Portman! I know he’s got a pretty ripped body though so I don’t blame you for acting like a school girl.

Oh surprise, surprise! Sneaky snake bro is a sneaky snake.

I’m blue dabba dee dabba doo. He actually might be that guy from X-men though.

Stolen avatar baby. Again this seems familiar. Right George R.R. Martin?

NO! DADDY!

HAHAHA! This guy is worse than Hulk for smashing.

How much did Zuckerburg pay for that totally unnecessarily distraction from the scene.

Oh she’s totally smitten. He’s everything a girl could want: brutish, zero social awareness, no money but really confident and with a killer bod. It literally makes no sense though, she’s a total babe but has to wait for a mental patient to literally fall from the sky to find a man. Has she even tried Tinder?

America! Land of freedom! They’ll steal your stuff and there’s nothing you can do about it...

Apple? you too? Aren’t you setting enough Ipods already? It’s 2011 for christs sake. I swear Velma is only in this for the product placement.

The king is dead, long live the king. He’s like one of those co-workers who suddenly becomes a dick when they get a promotion so supervisor.

Good thing she turned up, that guy looked like he was about to show him to the back-room bestiality ring he runs on weeknights.

She’s doing some pretty impressive mental gymnastics there to even consider that he might not be completely bonkers.

Is this a theme starting to emerge, ignoring daddies instructions?

Why does he need to go in there at all, that’s my question. we’ve already seen that he can use his magnet hands to summon it from a distance. He could have done that from up on the hill and then flown them both the hell out of there before anybody knew what was going on.

Gun or bow and arrow?

Hmmm... I’m feeling cocky today.

I knew it was magnets!

He just said it! Right there!

Oh, what a let down. He’s fucked now.

No use crying over impossible to pick up hammer. As they say.

Who’s this Robin Hood guy anyway, obviously not just a random grunt or he’d have gone with the gun and would probably be dead by now.

What is snakeboy doing here? It’s all your fault but don’t blame yourself. This guy is a sociopath.

I think my eyes just nearly rolled out of their sockets. Absolutely shameless.

Okay MUM!

Earth Daddy is a rebel after all. CHUG THE BEER, GET IT DOWN, DOWN IN ONE, DRINK IT ALL!

Of course it was all him all along. Sneaky snake.

MY VOICE IS RIDICULOUSLY DEEP AND RESONANT!

Just having a chilled night in with a good book and some ‘Go Lean’ Cereal!

Oh! Heaven forbid that he see your cereal!

Greedy ginger Hagrid is always stuffing his bloody face!

“Don’t you DARE fat shame me!”

Everything in Asgard is so serious and stern. Don’t they ever just chill?

So that’s where crop circles come from! It’s just the Norse gods popping in for a visit. Technically it is aliens then I guess.

Final boss? It does look like something from Dark Souls.

Oh cool! Cosplayers!

Just act natural guys...

Not dinosaurs? I it could happen right? Wouldn’t be the craziest thing to have happened in this film so far.

Oh no its just Norse Ironman. Eat shit Tony.

Just like in the wild west... but seriously, why hasn’t Norse Ironman used his face cannon to finish the job yet? He’s wide open!

Wow, that worked?

Psyche!

Oooofff!

He’s not going to have died though is he... lets get real here. Something is going to save him.

There we go space daddy’s tears made a massive hammer fly out of the sky and electrocute him back to health.

Saw that coming a mile off, its straight out of the superhero user manual.

Can you really hit fire with a hammer?

It’s not exactly what you’d call comfortable though is it.

What a melt.

Really, all that tension and you’re only going to kiss her hand?

Finally.

WHAT? Double, double cross!? Such a sneaky snake but it won’t help you once Thor gets here.

What’s the big deal about frost giant genocide? They’re obviously evil! Just look at what they’ve done north of the wall already! They’ll eat Danarys! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

How come it doesn’t just crush straight through him if its so heavy?

That was lucky. These superheros always get lucky.

Nice shot. This film has been surprisingly good quality, I think its the first one that I’ve really enjoyed the whole way through. Even despite its ridiculousness!

No surprises at who’s tucking in at the feast!

Awhh Daddy is finally proud of you. What a tear jerker.

Alright, lets see what happens in the after credits scene...

Oh its earth daddy and nicky the patch! Take a look at my energy cube? Oh no! who’s that in the background?! Not snakey snake bro!

The End.

Well I didn’t hate that one. I didn’t hate it at all. Tune in next time for Captain America. It’s one that I’m particularly looking forward to hating every second of. Bloody America man!

#MCU Marvel Tweetalong Thor

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