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mycrofts-gunbrella · 3 years

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Caring is the Greatest Advantage- Mycroft Holmes x Reader (Part Six)

AN- Two chapters in one night... hope you like them! Soft Holmes Brothers scene at the end because, especially after the Eurus situation, the boys truly do love and care for each other! Not proof read either of these yet so apologies if there are mistakes!

Word Count- 4405

The younger brother's eyes had flicked over you both only momentarily, the tiniest flick up of his lips at the side of his mouth that disappeared so quickly it could have been misinterpreted for a twitch.

"Ever the delight, Sherlock." Mycroft spoke, standing straighter, his chin poking up a little higher. Sherlock glanced over his posture and rolled his eyes.

"Oh for God's sake don't start that Mycroft. Had I blamed you for everything I can assure you I wouldn't have bothered opening the door, don't make it so obvious that you care about my opinion of you- it's embarrassing for both of us." And with that he spun around and headed up the stairs to 221B, leaving the door to the flat wide open and disappearing into the bathroom.

"Well that was.."

"Easy? I told you that you shouldn't worry." You nudged Mycroft into the building before ascending the stairs.

"Sherlock Holmes, possibly the only man in the world to forgive somebody for nearly killing him in a heartbeat, but held a 6 month grudge when I took the last custard cream from the biscuit jar when I was 12.." Mycroft muttered, making his way into the flat and sitting beside you on the two seater sofa. John walked into the room from the kitchen shortly after, a tray of tea and biscuits in hand as he said his hellos.

"Figured I'd stick the kettle on when you said you were on your way.. Greg shouldn't be long now." He gave a smile, taking his place in his own armchair. "How have.." He glanced at Mycroft. "How have you been? He won't admit it, but Sherlock's been worried about you." Mycroft took a breath, sending a polite smile in the direction of the army doctor.

"Doctor Watson, I can assure you that I am fine and have been perfectly well looked after." His eyes flickered to you for a moment and then back to the doctor. "I presume the pair of you have held up well as I haven't heard any reports of gunfire towards the wall for a fair bit of time." John grinned, casting his eyes over to the smiley face on the wall that had thankfully been left alone.

"Good. Yeah, uh, things here have been.. good.. too." A blank stare matched with a more thoughtful raise of lips. ".. Very good, actually.."

"Catch." Sherlock came stalking into the room, a damp flannel thrown in Mycroft's general direction which he caught expertly, not allowing a single moist patch to appear on his clothing.

"And this is.."

"A flannel? Christ Mycroft has trauma affected your brain cells that much?" Sherlock quipped, flopping down into his armchair and lazily holding his hand out for his tea that was a mere few inches away from his fingers. John placed the mug in his hand without thought or argument, his fingers brushing over Sherlock's slightly before moving away. A biscuit soon followed, John holding out the digestive while Sherlock partly opened his lips, and shoving the food between them. It was your turn to raise your brow now, but you didn't say anything, instead just nudging Mycroft with your knee to make sure he had seen it too. Of course he had. "It's for your face, Y/N's lip balm is all round your mouth and it's making me feel a bit sick." John's eyes widened as he looked between the pair of you. You shrugged your shoulders and smiled, Mycroft simply sweeping away the slightly pink balm from underneath his lip and folding the wet cloth back up to place on the side. At least he hadn't picked up that you did it on purpose. Before anybody else could speak, the sound of someone bounding up the stairs filled the flat.

"Sorry I'm late, Ms Hudson let me in an- what did I miss?" Greg stood breathless at the door, satchel slung over his shoulder and a carrier bag in his other hand, staring at the apparent awkward glances shared between half the room. You stood from the sofa and headed over towards him, swiftly wrapping your arms around him and placing a small kiss on his cheek to say hello. He made his way into the room and perched on the arm of the sofa closest to Mycroft, casting another look at everybody when his question still hadn't been answered.

"Nothing of importance. Mycroft and Y/N have obviously decided to stop moping around each other like lovesick teenagers and finally admitted they've been infatuated with each other for years.. Now you're all caught up, can we get these papers sorted out so I can be more productive with my time?" Sherlock huffed.

"Nothing of importance? Don't be an arse Sherlock, that's excellent news." Greg clapped Mycroft on his shoulder and shot you a toothy grin. "Declaration in the park was it? Might be a good enough reason for me to not punch you for closing off St James'.." John's eyes widened more, if it were possible.

"You just.. closed off St James'? Can you even do-" The look Mycroft shot John made him cut his sentence short. "Right, yeah. British Government." He nodded, standing to go fetch Greg a coffee (yourself and Mycroft still held a shared judgement against Greg and his hatred for tea) and continuing to ask questions about your newly confirmed relationship. Mycroft sat awkwardly through the encounter- briefly talking about his emotions in front of you was one thing, a whole flat full of people was entirely different- so you gave his knee a quick squeeze and answered for him. "Who bit the bullet then?" John sat down. "Christ I know I mistook the pair of you being together when I met you, so surely these two have been waiting longer for you to get on with it." Greg grinned, nodding in agreement at John's assumption. Sherlock, on the other hand, stay lying on his chair completely unphased by the conversation going on around him.

"To cut a long story short, we were watching telly, I said Stephen Fry was a bit sexy, Mycroft informed me that he used to get told he had a slight resemblance to him, I realised I'd stuck my foot in it and had a ramble.. Went from there. Nothing too exciting, sorry." You left out the parts where the night before you had handled a broken Mycroft to the shower, how he had gripped onto you, how you held him as you slept. You also left out the way he had allowed himself to cry, how you held him while he wept- and, for that, Mycroft was incredibly thankful. Sherlock probably knew though, somehow, in his Sherlock way of knowing things- but he was either too kind to announce it to the room, or didn't care enough to waste his breath.. probably the latter.

"That's disappointing. You've mentioned about fancying Stephen Fry for years, this could have happened ages ago." John teased.

"Nothing compared to Hugh Laurie though. I'm pretty certain that I'm straight but I'd let him-"

"The papers!!" Sherlock's shout cut Greg's ramble off, making the silver haired man jump and grab his satchel, handing out the reports in a way that reminded you of a teacher with test papers.

"Right, yeah. Sorry. Basically the proper forms aren't ready for another week or so so these are just a few basic questions- nothing too in depth yet since I wanted to give you guys time to... yeah just basic for now." Mycroft chose to read through all the questions before answering them, whereas Sherlock hastily scribbled his response to each question as he went along- the smaller details in the Holmes brothers' differences are always interesting to stumble upon. As he held the page in his hands, you carefully leant over to have a glance at the questions, your hand resting lightly on his shoulder and your cheek resting just against your fingers- blissfully unaware at the 2 sets of eyes openly staring at your movements, and the one set that watched from the side. Greg was right, in a way, the questions definitely weren't as overbearing as they could be- but that doesn't mean it was an easy task. The questions targeted Mycroft a lot more than it did John and Sherlock, asking things about scenarios and situations that had occured before they were taken, how long it had been since they had any contact with Eurus prior to that evening/ what they discussed, and a few basic questions about any incentives Eurus may have had, and anything that aided her into her plan. Of course the papers weren't labelled with the sister's name, they were generically printed and typically handed out to anybody involved in any kind of criminal behaviours, but that didn't make it seem any less like these were questions that targeted Mycroft in particular. Mycroft took a deep breath and laid the papers back onto the coffee table in front of him, pulling a pen out of his pocket and beginning to write. In this moment you had noticed the small bounce of his left leg, a movement only ever shown by him in times where he had a particularly stressful day at work, or a troubling encounter with his brother- it was a movement that let you know his brain was running a mile a minute and he felt a little more overwhelmed that usual. Without making a point of it, you move your right hand to rest on his mid thigh, allowing your thumb to rub small shapes into his leg to show your support.

Turning your gaze to the rest of the room, you noticed Greg's eyes on you, a grin on his face that practically stretched to his ears. You rolled your eyes at him, using your other hand to flip him off and smiled.

It had taken just under two hours in total for the boys to finish completely (well, an hour and twenty minutes for the Holmes siblings, an extra forty minutes for John whose brain simply didn't work as fast as theirs to convey the information on the paper). The time had passed fairly quickly, with yourself and Greg not wanting to disturb the silence and instead just drinking your hot drinks and stealing a couple of biscuits from the tray. You gave Mycroft's leg one last squeeze before sitting back against the sofa, stretching a little after finally getting out of that position.

"Thanks again for getting this done today." Greg spoke, taking the papers in and putting them in a plastic folder. "I'd better be off anyway, get these filed in." He stood, heading for the front door and tripping over the carrier bag he had brought in with him earlier. "Shit, yeah I almost forgot." He picked up the bag and handed it to you. "Got your coat, and I may have accidentally read your mind if you had been talking about Stephen and Hugh.." You dug through the bag and grinned as you pulled out the box at the bottom.

"You, Gregory Lestrade, are a bloody legend. God I could kiss you!" Your boxset of 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' rested in your hands and you showed it to Mycroft, beaming at him. His lips raised at your reaction, showing a small glint in his eye, as you explained how now the pair of you would have to binge watch it since Mycroft had never got round to watching them before. Greg barked out a laugh.

"I wouldn't. I don't fancy being hunted by Mycroft's secret services." Mycroft let out a small laugh himself. And with that, Greg was gone and left the flat to the four of you once more.

***

You hadn't stayed at the flat long before you all made your way to Angelo's restaurant, even managing to convince Mycroft to just take a cab rather than bothering his chauffeur for a 5 minute journey.

"Ahhh Mr Holmes, Doctor Watson!" Angelo greeted, pulling the aforementioned men into an awkward half embrace, half headlock. "Back again so soon? I shall get your usual table set up, grab some candles. Anything for you!" The pair of men awkwardly shifted out of the hold and Sherlock offered a smile.

"Not today Angelo, we need a table for four if that suits your capacities here?" Sherlock peered round at the tables inside.

"Of course, a double date, very lovely to see! Come, come!" He led the four of you inside, you grinning at Mycroft at Angelo's casual mentionings of Sherlock and John's usual 'romantic' set up. You were all ushered inside of a small booth and handed menus, the benches were small but tolerable, your thigh just brushing against Mycroft's, him offering a shy smile at the close contact. "You stay here, I'll get to work on those candles. Just for you, Mr Holmes." Angelo spoke again, clapping Sherlock on his shoulder and disappearing into the back of the restaurant.

"He's.. uh.. a bit enthusiastic sometimes." John spoke, his cheeks burning a little at the memories of previous encounters here.

"Quite. Seems a pleasurable fellow." Came Mycroft's response, glancing over the menu. It had taken no time at all for the restaurant owner to appear back with a handful of small tealight candles in glass jars, and a single flower resting in a vase to lay on the table, taking everybody's orders and leaving once again. Then as the food turned up, Sherlock began to prod at the chips on his plate with his knife.

"What are you doing? Eat your bloody food, Sherlock." John quipped, elbowing the man to his side.

"Don't want it.. whoever decided that dessert was only customary after a meal? I'd much rather wait." John gave Sherlock a look and he spoke again. "Don't give me that look, this was your idea. Who even suggests 'late lunch' as a valid meal time? It's impractical. I didn't eat breakfast because we didn't get out of bed until well past the respected breakfast hour.." 'We'.. you didn't press. "So I had a sandwich at lunch which has ruined my appetite for this. Then I'll be hungry again later, but later than dinner time because of how late this lunch is." Sherlock childishly squashed his chip with his thumb. "It's just ridiculous.. they keep adding new names for new meals at new hours, I feel like we're becoming Bobbits."

"Hobbits, brother mine." Mycroft corrected, the faintest smile playing at the side of his mouth as Sherlock's words sounded alarmingly like the ones he had told you only this morning- it was nice when they just got along.

"That's what I said."

"No, you said Bobbits."

"Boys!" John warned, and you broke out into a small fit of giggles.

"We really can't take you anywhere, can we?" You chimed in. Sherlock just huffed, stabbing a chip and eating it as John gave him a stern look. It was quite sweet, actually, watching them be all domestic. By the time you'd finished your meals, yours and John's plates were clear, Sherlock's leaving only a few chips and a mouthful of burger as he found, after starting to eat the food, that he really enjoyed it and wanted more. Mycroft, on the other hand, had managed to leave little over half of his spaghetti bolognese, making comments about the pasta being far too rubbery, or the sauce being too thin, crossing the cutlery over in the centre and making a dismissive comment about making something to eat when he got home- you all knew he wouldn't.

Sherlock had practically jumped for joy when Angelo came out with a tray of chocolate fudge cake, offering slices around the table which you all, bar Mycroft, accepted happily.

"I shan't spoil my appetite for when I get home." Was his small excuse, raising a hand to prevent Angelo from spouting his claims that he had the best cake in London and that he must have a piece, and instead asking for a coffee. Without words being spoken, John cast his eyes over to you and you offered a small sad smile. Nobody had told John of Mycroft's past, but he was a doctor and always knew when signs were displayed. You had taken an extra fork from Angelo just in case and took a small bite with your own fork, unable to let out the (embarrassingly erotic) moan that had escaped you.

"Christ he wasn't lying, this is incredible." You praised, taking another small piece on the second fork. "Mycroft please give it a try." You offered your hand out towards him, the sliver of cake resting on the tip of the fork's prongs. He looked over at it, his mind telling him to give it a go, at the very least because it had been offered by you, but the image of himself in the mirror this morning came back to mind. He declined the offer and you sighed. Mycroft truly did love cake, and any sweet things, so it was heartbreaking for you to see him turning it away because of the thoughts that ran through his brain. Sherlock had already cleared his plate by this point and stood up abruptly, hoisting his coat back over his shoulders.

"I'm going to go out for a cigarette, care to join me Mycroft?" He had asked, walking past the table. Mycroft creased his eyebrows into a frown.

"Sherlock, the pact? I haven't smoked for three years."

"Neither have I, let's go." Sherlock spoke back quickly, hoisting his brother from the booth and taking the pair of them outside. You raised a brow at John who simply shrugged his shoulders.

"I stopped questioning the pair of them and their motives a long time ago." He reasoned, the pair of you turning your heads to see the two Holmes boys outside resting against the restaurant's window.

"I try my best to.. they just still fascinate me." You spoke back, your eyes lingering on Mycroft a little longer before turning back to the table.

"So.. you and Mycroft. Going well?" John asked, his mouth raising in that side smile he often displayed when he was teasing somebody. "I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen Mycroft Holmes smile in a non-threatening way, and over half of those were from since you walked into the flat earlier. I think I can only just about count on two hands times where he's pulled an expression that isn't stoic and emotionless."

"Yeah.. I didn't expect it to happen, if I'm completely honest with you. We've spent so many years just avoiding the subject, but after.. Eurus.. I don't know. It flicked something in Myc that made him regret not doing something about it sooner." John nodded, understanding where you were coming from. "You also don't give him enough credit. Everybody just assumes he's this 'iceman' persona, but it's all a front.. I've watched him laugh so hard that tears fall from his eyes, he's one of those people who throws their heads back and lets out an absolute belter of an infectious laugh. I've seen him get angry at the telly if I came over and some stupid reality show came on the telly.. He shouted at Kim Kardashian once on there for some reason or another. I've stayed up all night with him after he had gruelling days at work, him offering to do the same for me if I had a bad case and couldn't sleep. And then, very recently, I watched him cry." You continued on. "Mycroft Holmes is one of the most emotional, caring people I've ever known, he is just incredibly particular at who gets to see it. You're a doctor, John. You know how experiences in life can shape one's emotional stability, how it alters their mental health. Had you grown up without very many people being kind to you, you'd be scared to let somebody else in too." You finished.

"Sorry.. I didn't mean it to come out in a bad way.. I just meant.. It's nice. Seeing Mycroft acting like that, it's.. nice." He apologised. You waved it off. You knew John didn't mean any harm.

"Mycroft and I are old news anyway.. What about you and Sherlock? When did that surface?" You asked, beaming at the deep red John's face had become as he choked on a sip of his drink. "Oh come on, don't act like that. We've all been waiting for this one to happen since you moved in."

"I.. I don't know what you-" Glaring at him, he stopped himself. "Yeah fine, okay. When we got back to the flat that night we went into the front room and Sherlock lost it. I'd never seen him anything like it before, he just.. he just sobbed into a heap on the floor." He explained, the nervous tapping of his fingers against his glass trying to distract him from his eyes watering. "I didn't know what else to do, so I scooped him up and put him in his bed. He begged me to stay with him and I did. Then he apologised to me, for dragging me in all of that mess, for almost getting me killed and he just wouldn't stop apologising.. So I stole the stereotypical movie move and kissed him. Just kind of went from there. I think that night made us realise that beating around the bush all these years wasn't helping either of us, and the thought that we could have lost the other only a few hours beforehand woke us up." He coughed, his voice breaking slightly.

"God look at us.. All the people in the world and we've landed with the Holmes'" You grabbed John's hand from across the table and laughed. "Makes you feel quite special though, doesn't it? That, equally, there were all the people in the world and they chose us?" John grinned, giving your hand a squeeze.

"Could never tell them that though, their egos would go through the bloody roof."

***

"They're talking about us." Sherlock mused, breathing in the London air.

"It seems people do little else." Mycroft returned, casting his glance to you smiling with John at the table.

"She really does like you. I've spent years deducing everything about her to make sure she wasn't a secret Russian spy sent with the motive to kill you." The younger spoke playfully. "You could have eaten the cake."

"Hmm?"

"The cake. I know you wanted it, but you're going back to how you used to be. Now that you're together, you're nervous." Sherlock's voice was nonchalant, simple observations, which didn't ease his older brother at all. "It's pointless. She's entirely infatuated. I thought the childish doe eyes disappeared after being attracted to somebody for a few weeks, but she still looks at you like I look at a triple homicide."

"Resulting to similes now?"

"You need to stop that too. Dismissing it whenever somebody is trying to be... kind... to you. That's just annoying and not a good defence mechanism for insecurities, like a mask made of clingfilm, it's too obvious." Mycroft didn't speak in turn and Sherlock huffed. "She worries for you, she seeks for you to be comfortable in trialling situations, her eyes do that little light up thing every time you open your bloody mouth. Since standing here she's looked over 3 times and smiled to herself seeing you stand here with me without us arguing. I caught her 4 times on the way to the cab from the flat looking at your arse and your legs in that damned suit. You don't have to worry about anything with her- the way she looks at you is so lovesick it makes me queasy."

"And you know this how, Sherlock? Or is this another one of your cruel schemes to embarrass me?"

"Because, Mycroft, it's the same way you've looked at her for as long as I can remember you knowing her. Jesus, Mycroft, I haven't seen you smile this much since we were children.. before we did everything that led us to believe we were any better than anybody else, that we deserved more than sentiment. And it's the same way I.. the same way I look at him." Sherlock's eyes now locked onto John.

"Always did say there would be a happy announcement between the pair of you. Good to see I'm correct once again." Mycroft mused. He remained stoic, but his brother's words were whirring in his brain, leaving him in a state of shock at the curly haired man even displaying this form of kindness towards him.

"You told me once that caring isn't an advantage. But these last few days, no matter how short it has been, have already led me to believe that caring is perhaps the greatest advantage of them all. And I strongly believe you feel the same way, no matter what bull you make up to argue against it." The pair of them watched through the window once more, the image of you and John laughing at whatever joke had been shared between you. "We both have wasted many years fighting against this, and I don't want you to screw yours up. Y/N will remain by your side and feel the same way towards you, whether you wear a bin bag, lose your job, put on weight- she's in it for the long haul. She's spent so many years pining after you that she deserves the best from you and to be happy. And you, brother mine, have been through enough with not good people; you deserve the happiness too." Sherlock trailed the last sentence. It's incredibly rare for them to show it, but Sherlock and Mycroft would always have a particularly close bond, they've been through too much together not to- and so times like this were precious to them. Mycroft simply let out a small cough, reaching his arm over to rest on his younger brother's shoulder to give it a quick squeeze, before patting it twice and letting his arm rest back by his side.

"Sentiment appears to be dwelling well on you." Mycroft spoke, heading back to the door of the restaurant to head inside, holding it open for his brother.

"As it is on you, brother. As it is on you."

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thetomorrowshow · 4 years

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Slower Than Words Ch. 6

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I have suddenly found myself with the intense need to rearrange future chapters (of which there are currently five), so some things won’t happen in the same way--but hopefully better ways, if this works out! This shouldn’t delay any chapters lol.

cw: food mentions, panic, blood mention, unethical surgery/experiments (in the recent past)

Patton had eaten five meals, and Virgil still wasn't back yet. He tried to not panic. His ears and head still ached from whatever operation he'd went through—which he had suspicions about. Were they trying to make him hear? It hadn't worked, if that was it. And if so, were they currently trying to cure Virgil's blindness?

There wasn't much to do, without Virgil there. Patton walked around the room constantly, refusing to pull their book from under the pillow without Virgil there. He made up new signs to teach Virgil when he got back, one for 'hope' and another for 'out' and a third for 'free'. He washed his shirt in the sink, froze when he went to hang it on the unused bed and saw Virgil's hoodie already there. He completely broke down when the next meal arrived, still only one serving on the tray.

After the sixth meal, Patton just stopped. He couldn't imagine life without Virgil, so he just stopped everything. The seventh meal was pushed through the flap, but Patton couldn't find the motivation to get off the bed. He'd never felt this way before—even when Father had been taken, he'd continued to go about his life. He'd been rather disconnected for some time, but he hadn't just fallen apart like this.

What did Virgil mean to him? Patton tried to tell himself to grow up. Why was he this hung up over an Outsider? But Virgil wasn't just an Outsider, wasn't he? Virgil was . . . more. More than a friend, more than anyone in the Haven, more than the so-called 'Prophets' that led them. Virgil made him feel all funny in his stomach when he smiled, made him laugh with his wry looks, made Patton feel safe when he held him. Was that . . . love?

Then the eighth meal didn't arrive when it was supposed to. Patton wasn't sure how he knew that—some sixth sense, probably. It confused him, and just as he was sitting up, the door opened.

Two men dragged a soaked, pale body into the room, and it took Patton far too long to recognize his Virgil. The man was shaking, utterly convulsing, and had it not been for the look that one of the men—'Brother' Coleman, Patton thought snidely—leveled at him, Patton would have already been on the floor, holding Virgil close. Instead, he curled back onto the bed slightly, seeing the men laugh at his submission then leave the room, slamming the door behind them.

Patton dove to the ground and took Virgil by the shoulder, intending to wrap him in a hug. He pulled back as if he'd touched a stove when Virgil violently flinched away. He couldn't hurt him, not Virgil! Still, he needed Virgil to know he was safe. Patton took his wrist as gently as possible, slowly tracing his own name onto Virgil's arm. Virgil relaxed considerably, his mouth moving in the way that Patton knew formed his own name. His screwed-shut eyes relaxed, then his head slumped, his body slowly losing all the tension it had been holding. He was still shuddering, sending droplets of water every which way, but Patton assumed he was asleep.

I'm sorry, Virgil. He wasn't strong enough to pick Virgil up, despite being the larger one of the two. Father had never let him build muscles, always signing something about 'being seen as a threat' when Patton asked why. Instead, he eased Virgil out of his sopping t-shirt and jeans and stripped the two blankets from the bed, wrapping him in them instead. For the moment, he left the sopping clothes on the floor as he brushed Virgil's wet hair out of his face. The man's hair had grown too long in the months they'd been captive, almost curling around his shoulders. Virgil's forehead was far too hot (the rest of his body clammy and cold) and Patton could have cried—was crying, because this was the only person who cared about him, the only person he cared about, and he could be dying! They'd hurt Virgil, those monsters, doing it in the name of some stupid religion!

Patton's eyes burned, but he pushed aside his roiling feelings in favor of easing a pillow under Virgil as he noticed how his head was bumping up and down as he shook. Virgil needed his help, and being upset about something he couldn't control wouldn't help him.

Patton gently took Virgil's hand, slowly caressing his knuckles. The man stayed asleep, though the line between his eyes smoothed out just the slightest bit. Another tear slipped from Patton's eye. They'd hurt him, they'd hurt him and they didn't care! Not only had they hurt Virgil, an Outsider—his blood boiled at the term—but they'd hurt Patton, a brother like them!

No, Patton had never been a brother. He was different. Maybe they'd thought if they were able to fix him he could be just like them. As a child, all he'd wanted was to be normal, be like them. Even up until recently he'd wished for it, knowing that if he could hear, they wouldn't have locked him up like this, hurting him in their attempts to make him right.

Now, though, Patton knew he never wanted to be like them. They were terrible; the way they treated Patton had nothing to do with his disability and everything to do with the type of horrible people they were. They preached love and caring, while those who didn't fit precisely into their ideal world were forced to conform or suffer—or both, in his case.

These people, these people that Patton had once considered himself one of, had tortured him—locked him up—kidnapped and tortured Virgil, gods, they were monsters!

Patton fully sobbed now, careful to not grip Virgil's hand too tight and wake him up. He had never wanted to leave this place more in his life. If they could get out, everything would be so much better. He would actually be able to take care of Virgil, to keep him safe and close. They would never touch Virgil again.

Patton knew when Virgil woke up, as the body beside him began to tremble. After around twenty minutes of Virgil being asleep and Patton rubbing his limbs with one of the blankets, the shaking had begun to die down. Patton hadn't slept at all, his blood still boiling, so he'd been awake hours later when Virgil's flushed face cooled down, the fever breaking.

Now, Patton watched with bated breath as those beautiful, clouded grey eyes flickered open—but they weren't. They were red, bloody, filled with pain. Patton forced himself to not pull back as his stomach lurched. Virgil's brow furrowed deeply, then his eyes closed again as his lips moved.

Patton gripped his wrist gently, letting him know he was there. He quickly spelled out Virgil's name, watching and sighing at the smile that flitted onto Virgil's face. Virgil's hand shakily traced a 'P' back before falling.

The food had arrived not long before, so Patton gently tugged Virgil into his lap and pressed a cup of water to his lips. Virgil obediently took a sip, chest twitching as he almost choked. A quick question of food? had Virgil nodding, so Patton scooped up a small amount of instant mashed potatoes, then another when it was gone. Virgil only managed half the serving before he had to tap out, shaking more than earlier.

Patton knew that it would help Virgil to be on the bed, but with the way his legs were twitching he didn't think it would be wise to try to help him stand. So, he did the only thing he could think of to comfort him—get his hoodie and curl up at his side.

Virgil cried when Patton wrapped the hoodie around him, tugging at Patton's heartstrings. All he wanted in life were two things:

To comfort Virgil in any way possible, and

To get revenge on the bastards that hurt him.

Virgil didn't seem to want to sleep again, so Patton left him for a moment—only a moment, but it had Virgil shaking harder—and returned with their book, opening it to page sixty-eight, where they had left off last. Only ten words in, Virgil jerked his arm away. Patton waited patiently. Virgil was likely experiencing sensory overload, which happened occasionally depending on how anxious he was. Patton didn't move, and soon Virgil tapped a short sentence into his arm.

Please hold.

Patton melted, then placed the book aside and wrapped his arms around Virgil. He squeezed the man's shoulders gently, and Virgil buried his face into his chest and wept.

I'm here, Patton did his best to telepathically communicate. I'm here and I love you and I won't hurt you.

If Virgil understood, he didn't show it. Patton settled for pulling him closer, rubbing slow circles into his back and nuzzling his nose into Virgil's hair.

I love you. I love you so much.

Taglist (ask to be added/removed): @enragedbees @gotta-love-alejandra @bunny222 @basiic-emo @patt0n-sanders @rosiepupper @fangirlgeekandfreak @dn-fan21 @that2000skid @remy-the-lemon-berry @itsadastraperaspera @xionbean @sanderssides-angst @hell-yea-we-gay-tonight @maybedefinitely404

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lastbluetardis · 3 years

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Chemical Reaction (18/22)

Summary: Though their chemistry class is now over, the chemistry between James and Rose is just getting started. Together, they navigate the highs of new love and the lows of coping with past trauma to forge deep and unbreakable bonds of love and commitment. Part 2 in the Catalysis series. Tagging @doctorroseprompts

This chapter: ~6900 words, teen

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James was shaking. It was like he hadn’t eaten in too long and his blood sugar dropped too low and his body started rebelling against him until he gave it nourishment.

Only this was worse. Much, much worse. He was dizzy and nauseated and crippled with grief.

How had the night gone so wrong? They’d been having fun at the Phillies game, hadn’t they? They’d been laughing and lighthearted, and were so exhausted that they’d been a few minutes away from collapsing into bed together.

Then he’d gone and snooped through Rose’s mail. He should have ignored the letter. He should have asked her what it was, and asked why Jimmy had contacted her.

Would she have told the truth?

He hated that he had to ask that question, and he hated even more that he didn’t have a definitive answer.

His body moved on autopilot down the many flights of stairs of Rose’s building, not entirely aware of his surroundings. It was a miracle he didn’t trip down the steps and break his neck, considering he couldn’t quite feel his feet. He couldn’t feel much of anything apart from the heavy, aching pressure in his chest and the acid roiling in his gut.

James slipped into his dark car, which was still warm from the drive to her flat. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be with Rose, holding Rose, snuggling Rose in bed as they drifted to sleep.

Instead, here he was. About to drive home. Alone.

A break. Rose wanted a break. Because he had been such an insensitive arsehole.

But so was she.

Every insecurity he’d shared with Rose, every heartbreaking moment of the aftermath of his parents’ death… had Rose not wanted to hear about any of them? He felt stupid—so stupid—for baring so much of his soul to her without realizing she wasn’t reciprocating. How had he ever thought the nuggets of information she’d dropped for him constituted reciprocity? She had put in the bare minimum of emotional effort, giving him just enough that their communication felt like a two-way street. Did she know what she was doing? Had this been her plan all along? Get him comfortable and familiar with her so he would fall utterly in love with her? So he would have sex with her? Was that all she had been after this whole time? Had she taken advantage of his inexperience and banked on him not realizing she wasn’t putting in as much effort as he was?

His shoulders shook as he wept into his hands, those ugly, nasty thoughts eating away at his mind until he couldn’t think of anything else. He didn’t want to believe that about Rose. These last four months with her had been nothing short of bliss. He’d never connected with anyone as much as he had with Rose. He was desperate to believe that what they’d had was real. It had to be real. It hurt too much for it all to have been nothing.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting in the dark before his tears stopped enough for him to turn his car on. The engine growled to life, and the time 12:03 flashed blue in his eyes. Had it only been twenty minutes since he had first pulled up to Rose’s flat? How had twenty minutes completely destroyed the last seven months of their friendship and relationship?

His vision blurred again with fresh tears, but he impatiently rubbed them away to put his car in gear and drive off down the deserted street.

It probably should have bothered him that he didn’t remember driving. Anything could have happened. He could have run every single stop light, could have hit anything or anyone. But he was suddenly home, pulling into his dark driveway sometime later. His house was equally dark. He hadn’t left any lights on because he hadn’t expected to come back here tonight.

The house was dead silent. Not even his cats could deign to greet him. He toed off his shoes by the front door then plopped his keys and wallet into the dish on the cabinet beside it.

“Pip?” he croaked, voice raspy from all the tears he’d shed. “Merry? Gollum?”

There was a tiny chirp from the living room—Pippin and Merry were curled together on the sofa. James frowned. They usually slept in his bed, even on the nights he didn’t come home. He stepped over to them and gave them each a few chin scritches, but they were too drowsy to do much other than purr lightly.

“Where’s Gollum, eh?” he asked them, glancing around the living room. The Siamese wasn’t in the cat tree, or anywhere in sight. After the night he’d had, it would be his luck if Gollum had crawled off somewhere and died.

Whatever. He would look for him in the morning. James wanted nothing more than to strip down to his pants, fall into bed, and not wake up for a few days.

However, those plans were instantly scrapped when he stepped into his bedroom and was greeted with the pungent, acrid odor of ammonia. A huge, reeking damp spot sat in the middle of his bed.

“God-fucking-dammit!” he shouted, kicking his bed frame.

He cried out and hopped on one foot as his toes burned in agony. His anger surged. Anger at himself, for jumping to conclusions and making too many accusations; anger at Rose, for keeping all of her secrets; anger at Jimmy, for everything he’d done to Rose; anger at his cat, for weeing on his bed when all he wanted to do was sleep and not wake up for a very long time.

James sank onto the edge of his bed—far away from the urine stain—his tears starting up again in earnest. He wanted Rose, and he hated that he wanted her. She had broken his heart more thoroughly than anyone ever had before, yet he still loved her. God, did he love her.

Was that wrong of him though? Was it unhealthy that he wanted her, wanted to make up with her, after everything they’d said that night? Could they even make up from something like this?

He hoped they could. He hoped they could find some sort of middle ground. What that middle ground looked like, he didn’t know; his brain was too foggy with exhaustion and grief to think about possible resolutions and compromises they could make.

Something vibrated against his thigh. Sniffling and wiping his sleeve across his running nose, James fished his mobile out of his pocket. A new message from Rose.

Did you make it home okay?

He wanted to reply, “What do you care?” but curbed the impulse. That wasn’t fair. If she’d had to drive home at midnight after the argument they’d just had, he would want to know she was safe.

“Yeah,” is all he sent.

Okay. Glad to hear it. Sleep well James.

“Fat fucking chance,” he muttered to his phone, and instead typed out, “Yeah. You too.”

He set his phone face-down on the mattress beside him and rubbed his fingers into his eyes. A throbbing headache was beginning behind his brow. He would love nothing more than to sleep soundly and dreamlessly, but knew that his brain wouldn’t shut down enough for him to get any restful sleep.

Besides, it’s not like his bed was in any sort of state to be slept in.

With a groan, James pushed himself to his feet and tucked his phone into his pocket. He ripped off all the layers of his bedding, cursing when he saw they were soaked down to the mattress cover. Had Gollum held his bladder all goddamn day so he could piss right through everything?

He carried the stinking pile of sheets and blankets to his laundry room and settled in for a long night of washing. He stuffed the duvet into his washer—glad this home used to belong to a single mother of three who had invested in a giant washing machine, and left it behind when she’d moved out—and dumped in two detergent pods before programming a long, hot wash cycle. He then took the rest of his blankets to his kitchen sink.

The sight of two days’ worth of dirty dishes made him want to throw them all against a wall—broken dishes didn’t need to be cleaned. However, the mess of broken dishes would be more taxing. Sucking in a deep breath, he blew it out noisily as he dropped his sheets onto the floor and loaded everything into the dishwasher.

When the sink was empty, he grabbed his blankets and gave them all an individual rinse to hopefully keep the cat urine stain from setting.

It took nearly two dryer cycles for his duvet to be completely dry, and then another two loads of laundry before the rest of his blankets and sheets were clean. To his relief, all traces of cat urine odor were gone.

It was the dead of night by the time he made his bed; if he fell asleep right now, he would get at least four hours in before he would have to get up for classes. Was it worth it to try to sleep? He was keyed up from his middle of the night laundry session and his brain was still too loud. Maybe he should give up on the notion of sleep and try to take a nap after classes. Though would it even be productive if he attended classes?

James flopped onto his back on the fresh duvet, breathing in the scent of clean laundry. He would have to revoke the cats’ bedroom privileges until they—Gollum—proved they could be trusted not to wee on everything.

He sat bolt upright. He hadn’t thought to check the guest bedroom. Grumbling to himself and crossing his fingers, he jogged down the hall, and cursed vehemently under his breath when he smelled cat urine.

What the hell? Should’ve left the stupid arsehole to drown.

Well. He was already awake. In for a penny, and all. Stripping that bed as well, he began the same laundry routine. While that duvet was in the wash, James indulged in a quick shower. The sweat and grime of the previous day coupled with crying his eyes out intermittently for the past few hours made him feel filthy.

The shower didn’t relax him as much as he’d hoped, not when the evidence of Rose was all around him. He hadn’t realized how completely she had insinuated herself into his home, into his life. Her shampoo, conditioner, and body wash sat right beside his, her bottles of pink and yellow keeping company with his blue and red ones.

Firmly ignoring her products, James rushed through his shower, lathering his hair and body in record time. But when he went to his pajama drawer, he was yet again reminded of Rose when he saw a set of her pjs in the drawer too. He couldn’t help but touch them, feeling the soft fabric beneath his fingertips as his brain reminded him of all the times he’d pushed her top off before they made love.

His stomach ached with longing. Hurriedly shutting the drawer, James instead moved to grab a pair of boxer-briefs. Rose’s knickers sat in a small pile in that drawer too. Growling in frustration, he grabbed a pair of pants at random and slipped them on before bending to root through his t-shirt drawer. Unsurprisingly, he found several of Rose’s shirts mixed in with his.

How had he not realized how much of Rose existed in his house? How had he not realized that her light and beauty shone through his home, and that she had made it her home too?

Because I loved it.

And he had. He had loved living with Rose, and had been counting down the days when she would officially move out of her flat and into his house.

His tears nearly started up again when he realized that he may never share a home with Rose if they couldn’t find a way to work through all that had been said. No more sleepy mornings spent giggling and kissing in bed. No more impromptu dance parties in the kitchen just because they felt like being silly. No more late-night chats that sometimes carried them into the wee hours of the mornings. No more exploring every beautiful inch of her body and losing himself in her love and pleasure.

He didn’t particularly care about the prospect of no more sex. Brilliant though it was, he found himself more devastated by the loss of Rose’s friendship than the loss of her body. He had fallen in love with her, and the thought of her not being in his life anymore was agonizing. They’d known each other for seven months, and she had somehow become a constant in his life, an unmovable force that he’d been confident would never be gone.

The unknown was killing him. The uncertainty of whether he and Rose would be able to make up. If they did manage to reconcile, to forgive and heal, would their relationship look the same as it did before?

A distant chime from down the hall told him the wash cycle was finished. Sniffling, James pulled on a soft, worn t-shirt and padded down the hall to continue his laundry. When the duvet was in the dryer and the sheets were in the washer, James started searching for Gollum. As irritated as he was with his cat, he was also concerned; apart from the first week James had brought Gollum home, the feline had never had litter box issues.

Drifting from room to room, James finally found Gollum in the basement—which also doubled as an office space—lying on the desk chair.

“What’s gotten into you, you little menace?” he asked, crouching beside the cat. Gollum didn’t react, making James’s heart lurch. “Gollum?”

He reached out and rested his hand on the cat’s side. Gollum let out a noise between a chirp and a growl.

“Thought you were dead for a minute. What on Earth is your problem, buddy? Are you not feeling well? Is the litter box not clean enough for you? Are you trying to make my shitty day even more shitty?” James sighed, and stroked the top of Gollum’s head. “I’ll call the vet when they open. In the meantime, try not to wee on anything else, yeah?”

Gollum huffed out a breath, then closed his eyes again, drifting off to sleep.

The rest of the night passed listlessly for James. When he wasn’t switching over laundry, he worked on cleaning his house from top to bottom. Anything to keep his mind busy and away from Rose, because otherwise all he could think about was the way he’d raised his voice and talked over her, the way he’d suggested she wasn’t as invested in their relationship as he was, the way she’d sobbed and hugged herself and flinched away from him. And all of that was something he definitely didn’t want to think about.

The sky was beginning to lighten in the distant horizon by the time he’d finished. His house was immaculate. There was not a scrap of unclean fabric anywhere, what with him moving on to washing his clothes and the various towels and blankets strewn around his home.

His eyes burned with exhaustion, and he thought he might be able to get some sleep. He preemptively filled his cats’ food dishes so that they wouldn’t barge into his room in an hour to demand breakfast, then he went into his bedroom and crawled beneath his sheets. Before settling in to try to sleep, he shot off a series of short emails to his various professors, letting them know he wouldn’t be in class that day, and he would arrange with some of his classmates to get their notes. That task finished, James silenced his phone and set it on the nightstand, then tugged his sheets up to his ears.

He hadn’t realized that his bed had begun to smell like Rose until he was surrounded by the scent of laundry detergent rather than her subtle floral aroma. With an intensity that stole his breath away, he was aware of how much he missed Rose. Missing her hurt almost as much as their fight did, because despite everything that had happened, he remained desperately in love with her. He knew that he would do just about anything to try to make things right with Rose, if she would let him. He hoped she would.

That train of thought kept him from getting much sleep. His mind kept replaying their argument over and over again, and it kept coming up with new rebuttals and explanations he wished he could have said instead of losing his temper.

It was ten o’clock by the time James gave up on the idea of getting any more rest. He felt worse now than he had when he’d collapsed into bed four hours ago. Bleary-eyed, James stumbled to the kitchen to begin a pot of coffee. While it brewed, he went to check on Gollum. His food dish beneath his cat tree was full, and the cat himself had barely moved from his position on the office chair.

“All right, bud. Vet time,” James murmured, stroking Gollum’s forehead and cheeks.

He went back upstairs for his phone, and placed a call to the veterinarian’s office. There were no available in-person appointments, but they told James he could drop the cat off with them and they would take some blood and urine samples from Gollum throughout the course of the day.

James didn’t feel particularly good about dropping his sick cat off and leaving him alone, but the alternative was waiting a few days for an open appointment. He thanked the vet tech and said he would be by with his cat within the hour.

With a sigh, James pulled on some clothes, poured coffee into a travel thermos, and managed to get Gollum into his carrier with minimal fuss. Gollum loathed being in a car carrier, and often yowled and growled for the entire duration until he was set free again; the fact that he remained utterly silent and unmoving was testament to the fact he felt poorly.

The drive to the vet’s clinic was unremarkable, as was the transfer of his cat into their care. He confirmed his contact information, and thanked them for being able to take Gollum so quickly.

Since he was already out and about, James stopped by a nearby Walmart for his monthly supply run. He hadn’t thought to bring a list along on what he had assumed would be a quick stop at the vet’s, so he tried his best to remember everything he needed.

He was about to head to the front registers when a display of vibrant colors caught his eye. Paint swatches.

Hmm. Been meaning to repaint my bedroom.

Pulling his shopping cart to the side, James grabbed a booklet and began leafing through for some palette ideas. Currently, his walls were boring off-white, which hadn’t really bothered him before. He always assumed he would eventually get around to repainting, but after nearly two years of living there, everything was the same as when he’d moved in.

No time like the present.

He spent the next half hour poring over paint colors and mentally mapping the colors onto his bedroom walls. He frequently found himself wondering whether Rose would like a certain color, before he shut down that train of thought; it always came back, though. For the past several months, Rose was never more than half a thought away. Despite their current situation, that was a hard habit to break.

In the end, he decided on an eggshell-finish steel blue color that could have passed for gray. A nice, cool, neutral shade (and, despite his best efforts, he was sure Rose would like it too). He added a soft white for his ceiling and a sharp white glossy paint to his order to touch up the trim and crown molding. With his new paint cans in tow, he moved to the next aisle for paint rollers and brushes, protective cloth canvas, tape, a paint tray, and any other painting accoutrements he could find.

On his way home, he stopped by a fast-food drive-thru for a burger and an order of fries. His cholesterol was probably not pleased with him, considering he’d eaten a cheesesteak and fries for dinner the night before, but he ultimately decided to hell with his cholesterol.

It was noontime when he finished his lunch, and he hopped right in with his painting project. It took him an hour to move all of his furniture to the middle of the room, and to unhang the various decorations on his walls. Not sure how long the painting would take, James shifted his entire dresser into his spare bedroom, where he figured he would sleep for the next night or two until the project was finished.

The soothing, repetitive movements of painting were cathartic, which is more than James could have hoped for. It took a fair amount of concentration, especially to make sure he didn’t drip paint where it didn’t belong. He enjoyed cutting in the corners and edges of his walls using one of the small brushes he’d bought, but he didn’t like using the broad paint roller to cover large areas. That was an easy and mindless task, which meant his brain could go back to Rose. And that was definitely not where he wanted his brain to go.

How much longer would his memory replay their fight for him? How long would it take before he stopped thinking about everything he could have and should have said differently? And how long was this break of theirs going to last?

Several times, he had been tempted to take photographs of his bedroom and send them to Rose. A tiny little olive branch, maybe. But no, that was stupid. That would look like he didn’t care about or didn’t want to address their fight.

He still took photos, though, wanting a before and after comparison for his own memories.

He was about to move on to the last wall of his bedroom when the vet called with an update on Gollum. When his phone had rung, his heart had jumped into his throat; he hadn’t been sure whether he was hoping or dreading to see Rose’s name. The crushing disappointment he felt gave him his answer. It took everything he had to not dismiss the call and instead phone Rose, desperate to speak with her and start mending whatever broke between them.

However, he had a duty to his cat, and so he accepted the vet’s call. Gollum, it turned out, had a rather severe urinary tract infection. The vet wanted to keep him overnight to start him on an aggressive antibacterial regimen, and to give him intravenous fluids because the cat was dangerously dehydrated.

The guilt nearly overwhelmed James. He hadn’t realized Gollum hadn’t been drinking or acting any differently; if the cat hadn’t wee’d on the beds, James wouldn’t have known anything was wrong. The vet tech, seeming to sense his distress, assured him that UTIs could frequently get overlooked, but that Gollum should make a full recovery.

“We anticipate you’ll be able to pick him up in a day or two.”

“Great, thanks,” James breathed. “Really. Thanks so much.”

The call reminded him it was time to feed his other cats. He had shut them away into the basement to keep them from wandering into his bedroom while he painted. As he walked down the hall, he could hear Pippin crying and scratching at the door.

“Sorry, sorry,” he called through the door. “One minute, boys. One minute, then I’ll bring down your dindin.”

He grabbed the two empty food dishes in the kitchen, filled them with kibble, grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge, and opened the basement door. Pippin bolted upstairs and sprinted directly to where his bowl usually sat. He froze when he saw it wasn’t there, and James couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“Right here, bud,” James said, shaking the bowl. “C’mon. You’re dining in the basement tonight, and tomorrow. Until I’ve finished painting. I absolutely do not trust you to not brush up against the wet walls, and I don’t fancy washing paint off of you.”

James continued talking to his cats as he carefully walked down the steps, wary of Pippin and Merry who both were winding around his ankles. Wouldn’t that just be the perfect ending to the past twenty-four hours? His relationship with Rose had crashed and burned, then he went and broke his neck falling down the stairs.

Once the cats were happily eating their dinner, James returned to his bedroom and worked on finishing what he could. He worked diligently until nightfall, pleased with his progress and with how well the color looked. However, he was growing to realize that the warm brown wood of his dresser, nightstand, and bookcases didn’t match with the cooler tones of the room.

Well, he’d been planning to upgrade his furniture anyway from the inexpensive mishmash of pieces he’d found at second-hand shops. Figuring he was done for the night, James set up a rotating fan to help with air circulation then went into his bathroom for a shower. Paint flecks spattered his face, hair, and arms; it took quite a bit of vigorous scrubbing before he was satisfied he’d washed it all off.

Once he was clean, dried, and dressed in pajamas, he exited his bedroom and closed the door behind himself so that he could release his cats from their basement prison. Not particularly hungry but figuring he ought to eat, he cut up an apple and scooped a dollop of peanut butter onto a plate, then took it and his laptop to his couch. Aching and exhausted, James simply sat on his sofa with his head tilted back and his eyes shut.

He nearly dozed off until Pippin clumsily jumped into his lap, nearly upending James’s snack.

“Shoo,” James grumbled, moving his cat to the sofa cushion beside him.

Pippin huffed, then walked in a circle half a dozen times before plopping right next to James’s thigh. Absently stroking his cat, James munched on his pitiful dinner and opened up his laptop to IKEA’s website.

He spent the next hour browsing new bedroom furniture. With the light, cool-toned walls, he thought dark furniture would pop rather nicely. He fell utterly in love with a curved, corner-unit bookcase, and with a long chest of drawers that could fit enough clothes for two people. He favorited both of those pieces of furniture as he wondered what to do with his current furniture. Some of it could be repurposed to other rooms in his house, but others, like his bed frame—if he decided to upgrade that as well—would have to be sold or donated.

The ring of his doorbell interrupted his mental reconfiguration of his home. He leapt to his feet and jogged to his front door, cautiously peering into the peephole to see who was visiting him so late at night. A tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed man had his face pressed close to the door, as though he could look through the opposite end of the peephole.

James threw open the door. “Jack? What the hell are you doing here?”

The other man scanned his eyes up and down James’s body, taking in the pajamas and his damp, messy hair. A salacious grin crossed Jack’s face.

“Oops, I didn’t interrupt anything important, did I?”

It took James a few seconds to realize what Jack meant. Then he wondered why Jack would think he and Rose had been in the middle of having sex. Eventually he remembered that nobody else was aware that he and Rose were in the middle of an argument. Which made him remember that he and Rose were in the middle of an argument. His mood soured, and he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“What do you want, Jack?”

Jack simply stared at him for a beat before saying, “It’s Thursday.”

James’s stomach sank. Thursday… pub quiz night… shit.

“We didn’t see you at Molly’s, and none of us had heard from you. I thought maybe you were busy with Rose, caught up in all sorts of delicious debauchery that I would love to hear about. But you don’t exactly seem to be in a state of post-coital bliss, so…”

“What do you want, Jack?” James repeated, gritting his teeth. His sleepless night had finally caught up with him, and he was suddenly exhausted. His body felt leaden and his head began to ache. The last thing he wanted to do was stand in his doorway and have this conversation with his friend/ex-boyfriend.

Jack scrutinized him so intently that James had to fight the urge to slam the door in Jack’s face.

“What’s up with you?”

“None of your bloody business,” James snapped. “Look, it’s late. Sorry I missed trivia night. I’ll be there next week. But if you wouldn’t mind…”

In a move James was not anticipating, Jack stepped forward and into James, startling him into backing up a step. Before he knew it, they were inside his house, and Jack had shut the door behind him.

“What the hell Jack?” James exploded. “I’m not in the bloody mood for this. Get out.”

“Spill. What’s happened?” Jack asked. Before James could shout at him again, he turned his head down the hall, sniffing. “Are you getting your house repainted?”

“Jack!” James followed uselessly as Jack strode down the hall to his closed bedroom door.

The other man threw open the door and flicked on the lights, revealing the messy, freshly-painted bedroom.

“Yes, I’m repainting my bedroom. Congratulations on your deductive reasoning skills. Will you please leave now?”

“Is there a reason you’ve started repainting your room on a random Thursday? That sounds like more of a weekend project.”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I was out shopping and saw paint swatches and had the urge to repaint my bedroom. So here we are.”

“Why were you out shopping and looking at paint swatches in the middle of a school day? Play hooky, did you? You know, whenever I blow off classes for the day, it’s usually because I’m having sex. Was Rose too busy? Or have you worn her out already?”

James’s cheeks burned, even as his chest crumpled in on itself. He had done his best to not think about Rose all afternoon, yet here was Jack, bringing her up every other sentence.

“Well, at least I can finally say I got you in the bedroom,” Jack said lightly, digging his elbow into James’s ribs.

James managed a weak, half-hearted snort. “Not quite how you expected it though, is it?”

“Admittedly, we were both a lot more naked,” Jack lamented. “I’ll let you save the nakedness for Rose. Speaking of, what does she think of your sudden home makeover?”

James’s stomach hollowed out, and he surprised himself by confessing, “Dunno. Haven’t told her.”

Jack went silent for the first time all night. James could feel his friend’s eyes on him, but he steadfastly inspected his walls, looking for any imperfections he would have to pay close attention to when he applied the second coat.

“James, what happened?”

Jack’s voice was so soft and so knowing that the backs of James’s eyes prickled. Damn. He thought he was done crying. James sighed and rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“I think… I think Rose and I might be breaking up soon,” he said, his voice hoarse.

Jack simply blinked at him, his face expressionless. “Right. We’re gonna get some alcohol, then you are going to explain everything to me. Why do you think you and Rose are breaking up? You two are the epitome of soulmates, if such a thing exists.”

James snorted, remembering every hurtful thing he and Rose had said last night. “Not anymore, we’re not.”

Jack clapped him lightly on the back, before he encircled his arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. “Let’s go sit down.”

Keeping his arm where it was, Jack guided James to the kitchen and plopped him into the chair that Rose usually sat in. James didn’t bother moving, and instead watched his friend go to the fridge and pull out a partially-drunk bottle of wine. He and Rose had opened that bottle last weekend. They’d snuggled on the sofa together and made a drinking game out of watching a cooking show together. Half way through the bottle, they’d gotten pleasantly tipsy and had stopped paying attention to the television in favor of making out.

Jack found the cabinet that contained the wine glasses and pulled down two of them. He sat at the table opposite of James, filled the glasses, and pushed one towards him. James gulped down half of it in one go.

“Okay. Tell me everything,” Jack said, topping off James’s wine glass.

The words poured out of him, from every heartbreaking thing Rose had told him, to everything he had said in return. Jack’s face remained impassive as James spoke, never once interrupting, even though James wasn’t sure he managed to capture all of the details as clearly as he would have preferred.

“I’ve ruined everything,” James concluded, polishing off the liquid in his glass before refilling it.

“No, you haven’t,” Jack said gently. “You buggered it up a little bit. But so did Rose. You brought up some valid points, James. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is honest and forthcoming. It isn’t a good balance for one person to constantly be sharing while the other remains a closed book. However, it’s not healthy to expect the same level of reciprocity from Rose as what you bring to the table. Especially when you haven’t been upfront with Rose about your expectations. And where you did bugger things up was with shooting yourself down so hard. Especially as a way to excuse what you’ve said, or assumptions you’ve made.”

“But… I genuinely feel like I’m at a complete and utter loss all the time,” James defended, ringing his fingertip around his wine glass. “It’s like… it’s like people innately know how to do this, this romance thing, and I’m bumbling along like an idiot.”

“Were you insecure in your friendship with Rose? Before you began dating? Did you feel any of this last semester?”

James paused, considering. He’d always had some butterflies when he spent time with Rose last semester, but for the most part, he’d simply enjoyed being in her presence. That hadn’t changed at all, despite their new relationship status. She had remained his best friend, the person he always wanted to be around, and the person he wanted to share every piece of his life with.

“No,” he whispered, pressing his fingertips into his eyes.

“Soooo… what’s the difference between being Rose’s friend versus being her boyfriend? I mean, I assume by now that you’re having sex? Apart from that, it’s not like anything really changed. Is the sex bad or something? Do you not like it?”

James felt his cheeks heating as his stomach twisted. Being intimate with Rose was one of the most special things he’d ever shared with someone. Not only did it feel brilliant, better than he ever thought physical pleasure could be, but it was equally as emotionally satisfying. Being vulnerable with Rose hadn’t been terrifying or overwhelming, but rather comforting. There had been nobody he trusted more than Rose.

“No,” he croaked. “No, it’s been… it’s been incredible. Everything with her has been incredible.”

“Has Rose given any indication that she has been dissatisfied with you in any way? Not even with the sex, but just…” Jack waved his hands around in the air. “…in general?”

You’re everything I never thought I deserved to have.

Hot tears burned in his eyes then dripped down his cheeks. Every kiss she’d given him, every squeeze of her hand in his, every sleepy smile that spread across her face when she woke up and saw him… It all raced through his head, a testament to their love.

What have I done?

He pressed his palms into his eyes

“No,” he answered, his voice raw.

Jack sighed. “Oh, James.”

“I know!” He plonked his forehead down onto the table and curled his arms around his head, tugging on his hair until it hurt. “I fucked up, Jack.”

James heard the scraping of chair legs on the floor, then a warm body was pressed tightly into his own. Jack wrapped his arm around James’s shoulders, leaning into him in a sideways hug.

“Much like having sex,” Jack began, “having an argument takes more than one person. Most times, anyway. If either situation is being done by only one person, chances are they’re a wanker.”

James let out a weak laugh, even as his eyes and throat burned with more tears.

“Rose said some very hurtful things,” Jack said, rubbing his hand soothingly up and down James’s arm. “She needs to apologize and address those. But you accused her of some pretty terrible things, too. From what you’ve said, Rose’s relationship with this Jimmy guy was toxic, if not abusive. It’s insulting for you to suggest she would want to go back into a relationship like that.”

James’s stomach ached. He had known for months that Rose’s relationship with Jimmy had been unhealthy, and that her heart had been badly broken. That should have been enough for him. Did he really need to know every single detail of her heartbreak?

No, he decided. No, he didn’t. However, he would have liked to have known that Jimmy had reached out to her. At the very least, James wanted to know why Rose hadn’t wanted to tell him Jimmy had contacted her.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” he admitted.

“At least you know you want to fix it,” Jack said, giving James a squeeze. “That’s a good start. It means you’ve determined that what you have with Rose is worth fighting for. But you need to take a long, hard look at what you want from this relationship, and more importantly, what you want from Rose. And you need to be receptive to what she wants from you and your relationship. And you need to work on your own insecurities and stop projecting them onto Rose. That’s a shitty thing to do, James. You have the insecurities, so it’s your job to work through them. Stop making excuses for yourself, and stop projecting them onto Rose.”

“Not sugar coating this at all, are you?” James muttered, though he knew Jack’s advice was sound.

“Nope. I’ve let you mope for a half hour, but now you need to start making things right. And remember. You can only change yourself—you can’t change Rose. So decide what you’re willing to put up with, because she might never be as open as you want her to be. But also set some boundaries for yourself. A relationship is give and take, and lots of compromise. You can’t keep giving and giving and giving, or else you’re not going to have anything left.”

James cocked his head to the side and peeked up at Jack. “Do you have a degree in relationship counseling that I don’t know about?”

Jack laughed, and took his arm away from James’s shoulders to instead ruffle his hair. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“But how do I start a conversation with Rose to tell her I want to fix things?” James asked.

Jack pursed his lips and tapped his finger to his chin in mock thought. “Have you considered anything like “Hi Rose, I really want to make up and then make out”?”

James snorted. “I’ll think of something else. Oh, and I might have some furniture coming tomorrow or Saturday. Wanna help me move stuff?”

Jack winked. “You know, I think I’m busy. Why don’t you see if Rose is free?”

“Subtle,” James drawled. He then sighed. “Thanks for stopping by, Jack.”

“See, aren’t you glad I wasn’t put off by your less-than-warm welcome? If you want to practice your apology skills, I’ll take one.”

“Okay, I think it’s time we said goodbye,” James said, dragging his weary body up from the chair. He collected their empty wine glasses and set them in the sink.

“A piece of advice, don’t try that one with Rose. Maybe try a kiss or two. I’ll take one of those, if you’re offering.”

James rolled his eyes and lightly shoved his friend out of the kitchen. They’d only made it a few steps when the doorbell rang.

“Bit late for a social call, isn’t it?” Jack asked, frowning at James.

James gestured up and down the length of Jack’s body. “You can talk, showing up here at nine o’clock.”

“Touché. Late-night furniture delivery?”

“I haven’t ordered anything yet. Besides, no one would deliver this late.”

Shrugging, James stepped ahead of his friend to yank open the front door. His breath left him in a sharp, little whoosh when he beheld the person standing in the yellow glow of the porch light, cradling a small, plastic container to her stomach.

“Rose.”

#ficandchips #dwfic #doctorroseprompts #doctor who #ten x rose #ten x rose au #james x rose #university au #angst #romance #my fic #chemical reaction #catalysis series #chemical potential sequel

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shytiff · 2 years

Text

Mar 2022

1 - woke up late. seared chicken breasts that i bought from hypermart. ate chicken tauge and rice for lunch and chicken cheese sandwich and banana for dinner.

2 - morning shift at the triage. muesli for breakfast. a patient’s family got mad at me for not examining the patient lol. worked on Prof’s PPT and finally sent it at like 1-.30-ish pm

3 - picked up blanket laundry using nessa’s bike. ate two banana chocolate sandwich and felt sooo full. a safe afternoon shift, themed neurology lmao. got to eat my packed food of chicken, tauge and rice. got to pray isya too so all there’s left to do is shower. except i have to do some revision for Prof’s PPT.

4 - woke up at 5 am due to some weird dreams. prayed subuh. read eruri fic and tried to sleep again at 6.30- ish. woke up at 11. rheza fkui 2016 interviewed me for some start up competition. washed tri’s scrub. ate some muesli. sent the revision of Prof’s PPT. lazed and then slept again. its evening. ate 1 egg and cheese sandwich and 1 ceres sandwich. talked a bit with renata about resistance workout. purchased gift for fianti. night shift with the best team ever lol

5 - i find it difficult to nap in a short time limit huft so i didnt get to sleep. immediately packed my stuff, changed my clothes, packed muesli in my mcd tumblr and i arrived at the usual bus place at 07.05. surprisingly it only took ~2 ish hours to reach rest area. napped a bit at home. woke up hungry and ate mom’s tuna and egg sandwich. off to puri to meet up with friends (nila amel ratna maul) at seirockya. turns out maul picked up the bill for us ehehe yayy free ramen. at that point i felt suuuper full at the end of the meal. prayed, and we went to masterpiece karaoke 6 mins away (315k for 2 hrs). we alternated between dance-y songs and soft ballad-y songs lol. goyang dombret made me feel tired. sholat maghrib and waited for emir at nila’s place. felt sleeepy at bed. its the first time in a long time i feel sleepy immediately after entering bed

6 - woke up 11-ish. put myself together and ate. slept. played my phone. suddenly its evening. its difficult to sleep at night bcs of that evening and morning nap. finished reading The Companion. wept at the 2nd to last ch lmao. basically what i did today was just sleeping ahaha ;_; didnt even do borang

7 - left the house 5.10. talked lots with mom abs business etc etc and suddenly we arrived. thankfully there was no traffic along the highway. mom made sausage spaghetti for bfast yay. ate that and went to MCU. my vocal cord felt tired lol. went back to mess at 12, cooked sausage, egg and kangkung for lunch. back at the mcu at 14.30 and explained some mcu results. shopped online a bit today. listened to liqo while laying down and i end up fallng asleep and waking up close to 20.00 pm lolll. ate egg and cheese sandwich and its probably the best tasting sandwich ive ever made lol. drank protein and tried to sleep again but end up sleeping at 12 ish again, always, hufttt

8 - woke up at 8. i remember waking up when my alarm woke and i was not too sleepy but i end up sleeping again. i need to pull myself together. ate the last portion of muesli and granola. watched rob and zoe press junket on youtube lol, today’s shift theme is surgery lol. got 2 appendicitis patient, one was for OK cito that day at 22. met dr Enny and dr Gin Gin.

9 - woke up at 9-10ish. mustered the courage to go out and buy egg and some other stuff. fried chicken and rice for lunch. im not motivated to do anything. arirang for dinner. binged some jerome-hitomi youtube vids. night shift at the triage with detri. quite safe

10 - got to lay down a bit at 5 am. kak yustin told the morning shift peeps about an accident that turned out to be a murder case. i walked a bit to palm hills, ate nasi uduk (and saw kak labib lol) and chatted with ibu nya, walked back, bought veggies. showered. sleep and woke up 13.30. ate 2 piece of oatchoco accompanied by chocolate milk. rly rly shouldve did laundry and ran at the evening but i ended up closing my eyes again. suddenly its close to maghrib. boiled carrots and green beans and fried fish nugget. felt full. and i ate some black thunder after. read some eruri fics and dj lol.still cant bring myself to do anything. typing this at 22.45 and i havent washed my hair and did the TWO things on my to do list today: hair wash and laundry. huftttt

11 - woke up late. finally managed to do some laundry. went to hypermart and bought some snacks. i somehow felt rly refreshed after going out, so much that i tidied up my table and opened up my laptop. also set up with snacks and matcha latte. did borang while watching belle. its a meh movie, with a rly nice animation and songs. tried to sleep early but always end up sleeping late

12 - morning shift. hurriedly cooked sausage for bento. its a nice vibe at the beginning of the shift until patients gradually come in. jajan cakwe. drank leftover matcha latte after shift. was in a nice mindset that dat, after shift. but im sleepy. wanted to run but ended up doing a bike ride for a bit. its fucking tiring lmaoo. cooked chicken (wrong chicken lol) for evening food. i basically tidied up nicely after isya and was settled in bed at 8 pm, but i read eruri fic, went pass my sleepy phase, and ended up not being able to sleep, eating 3 pieces of bread and sleeping at 1 astagaaaaa

13 - woke up at 9-ish. ‘prepare’ webinar (acls by dr radit) by iluni. bought ayam geprek master and yall it tasted nice but its been a while since i had that much oil in one time lol. will have it for lunch and dinner lol. started reading Monster by Naoki Urasawa and it boggles my mind. went in it blind and im surprised to find the MC was a neurosurgeon lol. afternoon shift. 2 code blues back to back on the beds that was across of each other. 1 code blue followed by the other within minutes. well, talk about applying the webinar knowledge.. slept at like 1 bcs of manga lol

14 - somehow i could wake up for subuh prayer. tried to sleep again but cant, so i read manga again. nap again. cooked chicken fillet and sauteed veggies. ate it with leftover ayam geprek sambal yay some actual taste lol. its not that my food taste bad x))) its just softly tinted with flavor. triage for the night shift with kak jess kak rezha.

15 - first time actually napping during shift. thankfully, i woke up when pak satpam said “dok ada pasien”. but surprisingly naps make you feel sleepy after shift, compared with no sleep at all. slept and woke up at 12. originally planned to go to cafe but i feel like i cant go to cafe when i just woke (i have to leave at 1ish to maximize hangout time lol) so maybe 2mrw. ate some bread to fill my belly a bit. heated up fillet and veggies for meal about 3 hrs later. binge read Monster again and i finally finished it. its amazing and mind boggling and the ending is ughhhhh. opened my laptop a bit and filled some borang. cant bring myself to think and work on ppt

16 - Went to Jannor and got my usual order. Unfortunately it was a bit rowdy that day, the patrons, lol. Some progress but less than usual if im on a cafe. Went to hypermart to buy kimchi but turns out online was cheaper so online it is. Had dinner at the nasgor place near indomaret. Bought kwetiaw special. Declined the drink lol so much that the seller insist i had a drink and said it was free lmaooo

17 - MCU today. muesli and some mini danish for breakfast. ate somay for the afternoon, with some more danish lol. bought sate padang for dinner. ordered a hotel lolll first time booking a hotel for my own self

18 - Afternoon shift. A bit more chaos than usual in the second quarter lol. did some more ppt work at night. called with ara and ical. tri joined and we end up talking about that murder case found in IGD. Talked and did PPT until my head hurts. its probably masuk angin.

19 - woke up. did laundry. showered. end up doing ppt work at jannor anyway after zuhur lol. redeemed my 30 points for 7500 and tried vol. II kopi susu. as i thought, the original one is more delicious lol. vol II is more bitter. i think i dont rly like vanilla flavored coffee bcs i dont really taste the vanilla. did some more ppt in mess and sent the first draft to Prof. tried to nap before night shift but couldnt. busiest triage this month huffff. never rly had relaxed downtime until like 3.30 am. theres some moment to breathe here and there.

20 - ate mie rebus, showered, got some cash at the atm, off to jakarta. soo sleepy that i keep on entering and exiting consciousness lol. woke up at serang (panickedly asked the bapak beside me where we were), woke up at the highway, and then suddenly its kb. jeruk. the kind bapak reminded my that kb jeruk is near. thankyou kind bapak :D took gojek to N hotel to leave my tote bag. walked to KFC. ordered super besar 4 and cream soup. cant manage to finish the fries. already fulllll. the cream soup is the nice liquid i need to stomach the burger and wings. hung out there to wait for the check in time. opened my laptop until the point when i cant handle the sleepiness anymore. checked in (apparently you dont need to literally wait for 14 sharp to checkin). short nap. a bit of ppt work. Prof requested a bit of change to the topic’s focus. oh welp. off to claypot. ate claypot ayam telur mentah and its rly nice for my wacked gums and growing molars. arrived at GI, prayed maghrib and waited for the movie. there was a BTS x Coway gallery and lounge! its a shame there’s no standee of jjk characters lol. its my first time trying out 4dx and its FUCCKIN AWESOME especially on the last fight of yuuta vs geto. arrived and done showering at the hotel at like 10. i shouldve just slept immediately but i play with my phone..... ;_; and suddenly its 11/12 pm. had difficulty sleeping bcs there were A LOT of mosquitoes, so much that my face was bitten in multiple spots and i got awoken like twice or thrice.

21 - morning finally arrived. arrived at harmoni at about 6.45 and arrived in kalideres in a quick and breezy 25-30 mins. went to pkm kalideres for my teeth complaints. the dr gave rujukan and some meds. picked up by mom. ate nasi tim. finished the ppt (its so hard to find the will to) and sent it. 1 hr nap and its evening. went to hangout with clara at her house. we ate pecel lele and had quarter life crisis. picked up by emir at 7 pm. slept at 11-12ish.

22 - woke up a bit late to go to hermina. got number 70 in queue. ate my Subway sandwich while waiting. huh, it makes you feel full. but turns out even with bpjs i still have to book the doctor first so i cant go that day. so i went back and slept again lol. and then i had to go back to cilegon. dad and mom drove me. ate spaghetti along the way. the afternoon shift was a bit chaotic during maghrib times huft. ate mom’s muffin. and then its finally over. had some thooots about life priorities during the staring-at-the-ceiling time before sleeping

23 - woke up. ate oven-baked chicken katsu (fried ones taste so much more better lol), kimchi and rice. ate muesli just before shift. today’s afternoon shift is much more bearable than the previous day. ate mom’s muffin again for dinner. drank protein and talked with renata about our future after iship huuhu. crisis is basically everywhere.

24 - prayed subuh and slept again. ate muesli. went to BNI with mendel for rekening insentif. tried soto damkar (28 + 6K rice). it tasted nice and fulfilling and my stomach just loves soupy warm meal. evening nap. ate katsu + rice + kimchi and katsu + fries + kewpie for dinner lmao. kewpie just taste superior and so fucking good i dont know why. sent email to request for efin. filled this tumblr. BORANG HEYYY

25 - i think i basically did nothing today. night shift today at the triage.

26 - slept at like 1 am. woke up at 5.30 for morning shift. felt sooo sleepy. renata cooked seaweed soup and fried noodlezzz so i get to eat them after shift. tri renata and i went to maurice. tried salted caramel and tiramisu ice cream, and cadbury cheese cake. the texture of the cheese is a bit weird but it improved when put to the freezer.

27 - morning shift again with the same team of nurses (the kind ones uyey). the flow of patient was not a lot (thankfully!!) that i even get to listen to songs with pak jul lol and got like 2 hrs of absolutely nothing to do. nessa is already back and she bought bakmi acang!! yay. its deliciouss. didnt go to the cafe eventually lol

28 - cooked the last 2 katsu in the oven. ate them with kewpie (kewpie is so fucking delicious) and packed one of them for later on the shift. did laundry after stalling for like 1 or 2 days lol. evening shift with kak rezha and kak andri. there was quite a lot of patients, that eventually eased out at the last 2 hrs. i rly need to sleep immediatelyy but i ended up reading more fanfic LOLLL

29 - woke up at 4.30-ish. ate indomie and tidied my stuff. off to damkar at 6.30 by gojek (since maxims were all far away). arrived at rest area at 8 am. turns out mom already registered me so all i had to do is come and register at the policlinic. got called at 930 ish. the doctor noticed that i went to hermina when it was newly opened lol (mom said when i was about 3). he said i got impacted molars on the left bottom. so i had to get x-rayed first. did the panoramic xray and mom picked me up. ate nasgor. did some borang. relaxing at my room is always the besttt.

30 - woke up at 7 ish. ate mom’s nasgor. originally planned to take my radiography first but i guess it would have to wait since im already running late. took TJ to galnas and met up with fianti. saw 2 exhibitions. took TJ to sarinah from gambir 2. saw the rooftop and the mall. took gocar to kokas. ate fishnco (platter and caesar salad). felt so fulllll. played at amazing town. we finished at about 15.30. fi went home and i figured my way to ashta. took TJ (turns out there’s a small bus so there’s TJ even though there’s no obvious stop). but i took the wrong way (left from kokas). i should’ve went right. eventually got to patra jasa halte and then took the blok M one to bundaran senayan. walked ~12 mins to ashta. met up with regen. saw an exhibition and turns out the artist was there lol. regen said “when they said ‘culture’ it was our cue to leave”. sat at ashta marketplace. regen irun gave me a nanami cake omgggggg. talked a bit. and we moved to bakerman. bought some to bring home and tried nutella croffle with ice cream there. talked a bit, others did some borang. and then it was time to go home bcs mom picked me up

31 - woke up. prayed. slept again. woke up at 11-ish. lazed and played with my phone 2-3 hrs. there was a looming thought in me to, like, open your laptopp. but i didnt. ate at like 3-ish pm. ate some of the bakerman croissant. opened the package clara sent me, its a cute laptop sleeve. relaxed again. a bit of nap again loll. and then suddenly its 6 pm. prayed maghrib and then i would have to go back to CLG (the car is used 2mrw since dad’s going to the office).

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baby-moriarty · 7 years

Text

6:00 p.m.

Not to sound cliche, but if you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety or any mental illness, take care of them. Take care of you. She took one at 9:37 a.m., like prescribed. She woke up to no good mornings, in fact, no texts at all. Her heart hurt, it stung, but she didn’t think she would have any. She felt sick. She got a glass of water and laid back down. She took three more at 11:43 a.m. Heartbroken. Upset. Anxiety ridden. She dug through the garbage. She dug, and dug, and dug, until her fingers found something small, and she pinched it tightly raising it to her face. She put it between her teeth, bit on it, tasting it’s metallic coating. She laid down in a different bed at 11:45 a.m., the one he slept in, she had slept in, and wept. She drew seven lines at 11:58 a.m. Sobbing, crying, screaming. She took six more at 12:31 p.m. She didn’t eat, she didn’t drink. Dehydrated. Drained. Bleeding. Stumbling out of bed, checking her phone, nothing. Her hope was gone. She let the dogs out, and stood in the kitchen. Staring out the window, she thought of him and how he didn’t love her, want her, need her, and yelled at the top of her lungs until her screams were demolished by her uncontrollable sobs. In agony, she stomped back to his room and anxioisly searched for it. Although he hand was shaking, she ripped countless lines quickly, deep, stinging, into her thighs. Her wrists. Her arms. Watching them bubble. Dizzy, tired, and lifeless, she took eleven more at 2:12 p.m. She drank all the beer in an hour and opened the bottle of wine. She knew drugs and alcohol were a bad mix, but she was glad to wage this war on herself. This was what she thought she deserved. She threw up at 3:36 pm. Wiping her watering eyes she took a drink from the sink and looked at her face. She hated it. She deserved this. At 3:38 p.m. she took the rest of them. The whole bottle. She took them with wine. She couldn’t think clearly. She could barely walk. She found her way back to his room by 4:00 p.m. after lying on her bedroom floor drooling, breathing heavy, and moaning in sadness and heartbreak. She looked at her phone. 4:03 p.m. He was almost off work. She felt foggy and her eyes were shaking. She was so weak. She crawled under his sheets and smelled him, and wished she hated him. She didn’t. And at 4:31 p.m. she got a text. Pulling herself out of the drug induced sleep, with blurry vision from the tears, migraine, the pills, the anxiety, she read it. All it said was “I’ll be home late.”. Done. She, with all her weak arms could muster chucked her phone as hard as she could against the wall, across the room and attempted to scream. All that came out were choppy sobs and a broken voice. Her throat burned from throwing up. With the last of her strength, she carved, so slowly, deep, devastating crimson lines on her arms, her thighs, her hips. At 5:03 p.m., she was unconscious. She didn’t mean for this to happen. He pulled into the driveway at 5:17 p.m. His day was shit. He was tired. He was angry. He was horny. The front door was still shut and locked which was no need for worry, but unusual, she didn’t open it today. Not looking forward to looking at her, seeing her, hearing her, he unlocked the door and opened it fiercely, hoping to let her know that he was home without saying a word to her. He wanted to be done with her. She was just being broken more. He didn’t see her - sometimes she’s not out of her room. Lazy. Wasteful. Irresponsible. He got pissed. At 5:21 p.m. he noticed the beer bottles in the living room. She had left her trash out once again. He was tired of it. He yelled into the house, letting her know she needed a pick up her garbage in anger. She didn’t hear him, she didn’t respond. He rolled his eyes and muttered “whatever,” under his breath. At 5:23 p.m. he walked into the kitchen. The dogs were outside. Unwillingly, he walked to her room to see if she was in it, so he could tell her to get out of bed. Before touching the knob the smell of vomit peirced his nose. It was emanating from the bathroom, and he retched. He began to worry. He opened her door quickly. There was nothing but a notebook open to a blank page, a pen and a blanket that sat on her bed. He leaned out of her room holding on the the door frame to keep his balance and looked in the bathroom. A concoction of her blood and puke smeared on the toilet seat and on the floor. Lightheaded, he stumbled into his bedroom. He saw her asleep at 5:33 p.m. He would normally be infuriated. Lazy! Wasteful! Irresponsible! Scared, shaking her violently to wake her up, saying her name, he rolled her over revealing more vomit. Oh, god. Oh no. Fuck! He realized she was not asleep. At 5:37 p.m. he looked for her meds. An empty bottle. Throwing it down in anger, he stormed back to his room, kneeling beside the bed. Noticing the blade he tore off her blanket and saw all of the blood, he counted every single cut, all of the sweat mixed with tears and puke staining her shirt, her face, her hair. His heart broke. He slammed his fists on her chest. No breathing. Her body moved from his strength, but nothing happened. He didn’t think this was going to happen. At 5:38 p.m. the front door opened. She walked through the living room to her room, smelling the vomit and turning up her nose. She looked in his room and saw her lying in his bed, him collapsed on his knees, thinking maybe she had another anxiety attack. She dropped her stuff in her room and walked into his to see if she was okay. At 5:47 p.m. she heard him weep. She saw her. It registered. She hugged him, and he cried, and so did she. They knew for certain she was dead at 6:00 p.m. Nobody meant for this to happen. I’m not one for this but I’m only a message away and I can guarantee someone else is just as close. Please take care.

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homefreeinahyundai · 7 years

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That Time Emily Had a Baby...

It has been about 6 months since we have posted a picture or text. Not much has happened: Donald Trump was elected to America’s most public office and Emily had a baby. So you know, no-big-deal-business-as-usual sort of stuff has been happening so we haven’t really had much to write about.

The good news is I will not be writing about President Trump; I will focus little Luna’s birth story.

Where to start? Well, when two people love each other very mu... I guess we can jump ahead a bit. Luna’s projected birth date was February 9th, 2017. Today is February 8th, 2017. Do the math.

On December 16th, 2016, more than 2 months before Em’s due date, our good friend Luke “The Doctor” Carson decided to come and visit us, and Sam and Jen (two of close friends), in Korea. His trip was off to a good start. He had a great time with Sam and Jen in Seoul. He ate a bunch of food danced a couple of nights away and had made his way down to our neck of the woods on a Thursday. On Saturday we were all planning to meet in Busan for a poetry event. Several friends from Ulsan (our city) were heading to the event to meet with folks who live in Busan and Sam and Jen were making their way down from Seoul. We had a great long day and got home around 1 am. This is really where our story begins.

When we woke up on Sunday, Em said she wasn’t feeling so hot. Her exact words were something along the lines of, “I feel like I need to fart really bad.” (That is a Trump Administration level direct quote). She said the pain was sort of coming and going. We weren’t too worried since her due date was so far off. But around 9 am she said she thought she lost her mucus plug. Go ahead and google image that. We contacted our translator/nurse at the hospital we had been going to and she said that things would be OK, to take it easy and keep her posted. We went on a hike and had dinner; Emily relaxed at home, messaged friends and googled Braxton-hicks more times than you can count. But really, we just thought that the previous day had worn her out and that she needed to rest. Luke and I took Sam and Jen to the KTX station since they were heading home late that night. We stopped for a cigarette and were thinking of getting a beer, but my phone was almost dead and I didn’t want to be out of contact with Em for any prolonged period of time. We decided to head home and hang at our place. But when we got home, Em was still not feeling well. Just a quick note that Em must have the highest pain tolerance in the world. She said her pain had not escalated and the frequency of the pain hadn't increased. This is when Luke stepped in and did some much needed doctoring.

He looked up some medical journal stuff and basically said that the combination of the pain and the mucus plug was more than enough to warrant a visit to the doctor. He stressed that at worst it would be a wasted trip to the hospital. At around 12:15 am on Monday (December 19th) we went to our hospital.

This hospital has a lot of English speaking staff. They actually sort of specialize in bringing lots of little foreign babies into the world. When we arrived, there weren’t any English speaking staff working. We were sent up to a room to see the doctor on-call. I was asked to wait in the hallway. Em was taken in and as I waited for them to come out I basically chanted “everything is fine, they are going to send us home.” after 15 minutes, a nurse appeared and ushered me in to talk to the doctor. He spoke no English. He asked if I spoke Korean. I said a little (I can order beers and ask for directions like a motherfucker). He started speaking and I caught, “tonight, coming, baby, now 3 cms.” I was hoping against hope that I had misunderstood. I asked them to call the translator and she confirmed my terrible understanding of what the doctor relayed. Luna was on her way. There was no stopping her. She also gave me a little extra bad news. Our hospital had no NICU. We would be sent to a university hospital in our city.

I went to talk to Em about all this and she was cool as a cucumber. It was reassuring. She was a port in a storm. But the storm worsened. The doctor said they had called the university hospital but they had a full NICU. So we would be snagging a ride in an ambulance to Busan, about 90 minutes away. At this point, things sort of get blurry… Luke was waiting outside and Em and I decided that I should get him home, and grab some stuff from ours since we would be away for the next few days. I ran home, grabbed chargers, an iPad, hygiene stuff and some important documents.

I followed the ambulance in our car. The entire car ride, I called family and friends and basically yelled, “EM IS HAVING A BABY” before hanging up.

When we got the hospital, we were sent up to a delivery room and checked in. Em was being attended to by some nurses and I had to go and pay for the ambulance. Yeah, Korea doesn’t fuck around with any sort of billing when it comes to an ambulance ride. On the way to pay for the ambulance the driver wanted to chat about how much he liked my beard and how his was not nearly as nice. Beard envy is all around us. After paying for the ambulance and giving him some beard-growing tips, I ran back up to see Em. I was asked to stay in the waiting room. This was maddening but I was trying to be understanding. This was not our hospital, they don’t know us, this is an emergency so the last thing they need is me in the way. Eventually they allowed me to come back and see Em. I thought this was their standard procedure but later I found out that Em had simply continued to ask about where I was until they finally came and got me from the waiting room.

At this point the doctor (he spoke a little bit of English!) said that the baby was under some stress and they were worried about Em and the baby having a vaginal birth. They said if things got any worse, they would have to perform an emergency C-section. I thought this was the good-old primer for we are going to get you on an operating table. Quick note: Korea is in love with scheduled deliveries and C-sections. But to their credit, they were taking a wait and see approach.

By this time, Em had asked for an epidural. They had to call in the anesthesiologist. By now it was about 5 am and we had been up for nearly 24 hours. But I swear that he entered wearing a cowboy hat, dark sunglasses and a perfectly pressed suit. I was asked to wait outside. When I came back in, he had vanished but Em was finally getting her first reprieve from the labor pains that had been occurring for the last 24 hours.

At this point, we were told that they needed to monitor Em and the baby. We were told to wait. So we waited. And waited. And waited. I felt helpless. Em was tired and still in a little pain. Our baby was in trouble and I was still unsure if they needed to perform a C-section. I cannot tell you exactly why, but I was overcome with the need to monitor the machines that were monitoring Em and the baby. Em slept. I watched the numbers on multiple screens waiting for any dramatic change so that I could alert the nursing staff. But to be clear, I had zero idea what any of the numbers meant. I diligently performed my new job for 2 hours. Finally, around 6 or 7 am, a nurse came in and told us that Em and the baby were doing well enough to have a traditional birth and that we just had to wait. Em began to have a bad reaction to the epidural. She was cold and shaking and vomiting every now and then. But she was also in pain and the epidural was helping with that. So the next hours were a cycle of, me looking at numbers I didn’t understand, Em dealing with pain, Em getting an epidural injection (they don’t have a drip in Korea, they give you a syringe into a tube that is in your back), Em throwing up, Em sleeping, Em being really cold and shaking, me trying to warm Em up. Repeat.

Around 9 am the nurse estimated that Luna would be born around 12 noon. I remember sort of laughing at this. I thought, how in the world could you know how a labor is going to go down to the hour. I mean, Luna decided she was coming two months earlier than anyone thought and this lady thinks she knows the hour in which our child will be born. Yeah, sure.

Luna was born at 11:58 am on Monday December 19th, 2016. That nurse was a prophet. I watched from a room across the hall as she entered the world screaming. This screaming was music to my ears. Many premature babies are born with weak lungs. They don’t exactly cry but sort of gurgle. This means their lungs are in bad shape. Luna was letting us all know that we shouldn’t judge her before we met her. She was here and her lungs were fucking strong. I remember crying and mumbling to myself, “you tell ‘em Luna, you tell us we don’t know a thing...” The nurse brought Luna to me and said this is your baby: I reached to hold her and the nurse head-faked me. Luna had to go straight to the NICU.

They ushered me to the NICU. I hadn’t even talked to Em yet but they said she was fine. A doctor at the NICU and a translator went through the list of things that premature babies might struggle with. They warned that she might not be able to eat, that her lungs might be severely underdeveloped, that she might have a brain hemorrhage, that she might be partially blind or deaf… The full weight of our situation began to crystallize. I have always loved living abroad. Em and I feel lucky to have been able to build a new home together and to feel so welcomed to be part of a country and community that is so far from where we were born. But at that moment the distance, the language barrier, the lack of friends and family felt like a crushing weight. I saw Luna. She was so small. She wore a Bane-style breathing mask and a feeding tube. I wept. They were tears of worry and happiness and wonder and confusion.

I went to see Emily and told her about Luna. We were told that were only able to visit Luna for 10 minutes per day from 12 noon to 1 pm. This was shocking and frustrating. But there was no fighting this policy. We had to wait for Em to meet Luna. That crushing weight that I mentioned earlier was remedied by the kindness of our friends (who treated us like family) in Korea. We had two sets of visitors that night. Tamsyn and Simon, and KBS, Eunji and their son Jr. came to see us. They brought us food and drinks. They gave us hugs and smiled with us. They heard our worries and they walked around the hospital and helped us ask all the questions we had been unable to articulate. We will never repay them for their kindness.

Long story short, we were in the hospital for 3 days. Luna was there for 16. We drove the 3 hours round-trip every single day (accept when our Lovely friend Josh allowed to stay in his apartment in Busan) to see Luna for 10 minutes at a time. We were given a daily update, translated over the phone by Eunji. I couldn’t see Luna, due to work on 5 of those 16 days. There were worries. I smoked too much. Em and I cried together on occasion wondering if Luna would see and hear, speak and walk, or have any long-term health issues. As of today, she is a normal 1.5 month (or -1 day!) old baby. She cries and poops and eats and cuddles. There are obviously long-term issues that might come up, which is true for any premature baby. But after weathering this initial storm, I know that our family (which is far larger than those we share a name with) is up for any challenge that we might face. I have the highest of hopes for Luna and her ability to live a life full of love, kindness and autonomy.

Her name is Luna Francesca De Celles Garcia and she was born at 11:58 am on December 19th, 2016.

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blessedarticles-blog · 5 years

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Fifteen Evils That Arise When There Is a Delay

1. When there are delays, many people have bad thoughts. Bad thoughts flow freely through the mind of someone who senses a delay of God’s blessings.

Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing.

Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods.

But and if THAT EVIL SERVANT SHALL SAY IN HIS HEART, My lord delayeth his coming;

And shall begin to smite his fellow servants, and to eat and drink with the drunken;

The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, and shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Matthew 24:46-51

2. When there are delays, many people have bad ideas. Many different bad ideas occur to people who feel that God’s blessing is delayed.

AND WHEN THE PEOPLE SAW THAT MOSES DELAYED TO COME DOWN OUT OF THE MOUNT, THE PEOPLE GATHERED THEMSELVES TOGETHER UNTO AARON, AND SAID UNTO HIM, UP, MAKE US GODS, which shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.

And Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me.

And all the people brake off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them unto Aaron.

And he received them at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt. And when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before it; and Aaron made proclamation, and said, Tomorrow is a feast to the LORD.

Exodus 32:1-5

3. When there are delays, people try to use the arm of flesh to accomplish what only God can do.

And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, GO IN UNTO MY MAID; IT MAY BE THAT I MAY OBTAIN CHILDREN BY HER. AND ABRAM HEARKENED TO THE VOICE OF SARAI. And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.

Genesis 16:2-4

4. When there are delays, many people abandon their original calling.

And the Lord said, Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his lord shall make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of meat in due season?

BLESSED IS THAT SERVANT, WHOM HIS LORD WHEN HE COMETH SHALL FIND SO DOING.

Of a truth I say unto you, that he will make him ruler over all that he hath.

But and if that servant say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; and shall begin to beat the menservants and maidens, and to eat and drink, and to be drunken;

Luke 12:42-45

5. When there are delays, people blame the leaders for their problems.

AND THEY SAID UNTO MOSES, BECAUSE THERE WERE NO GRAVES IN EGYPT, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness? Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness.

Exodus 14:11-12

6. When there are delays, people become bitter. They resent God and they resent their church. People leave their churches and go elsewhere. Others join prophetic movements, seeking help and answers to unanswered prayer.

Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? AM NOT I BETTER TO THEE THAN TEN SONS?

So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the LORD.

And SHE WAS IN BITTERNESS OF SOUL, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore.

And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no rasor come upon his head.

1 Samuel 1:8-11

7. When there are delays, many people begin to believe things they should not believe.

And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened.

Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not.

For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.

Matthew 24:22-24

8. When there are delays, many people are caught unprepared.

Now while bridegroom was delaying, they all got drowsy and began to sleep. But at midnight there was a shout, “Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.” Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. The foolish said to the prudent, “Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.”

Matthew 25: 5-8 (NASB)

9. When there are delays, many people backslide and their lights go out.

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: but the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for OUR LAMPS ARE GONE OUT.

But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

Matthew 25:1-9

10. When there are delays, people become wicked.

But and if that EVIL SERVANT shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; and shall begin to smite his fellow servants, and to eat and drink with the drunken;

Matthew 24:48-49

11. When there are delays, many people lose their position.

While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.

But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I KNOW YOU NOT.

Mathew 25:5, 11-12

12. When there are delays, many people become hypocrites.

But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; And shall begin to smite his fellow servants, and to eat and drink with the drunken;

The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, and shall cut him asunder, and appoint him HIS PORTION WITH THE HYPOCRITES: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Matthew 24:48-51

13. When there are delays, ministers start to fight each other.

But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; and SHALL BEGIN TO SMITE HIS FELLOWSERVANTS, and to eat and drink with the drunken;

Matthew 24:48-49

14. When there are delays, many people deviate from their calling.

BLESSED IS THAT SERVANT, WHOM HIS LORD WHEN HE COMETH SHALL FIND SO DOING.

Verily I say unto you, that he shall make him ruler over all his goods. But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; and shall begin to smite his fellow servants, and to eat and drink with the drunken; The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, and shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Matthew 24:46-51

15. When there are delays, people ignore the Word of God and carry on with their lives as if there is no God.

But as the days of Noah were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.

For as in the days that were before the flood THEY WERE EATING AND DRINKING, MARRYING AND GIVING IN MARRIAGE, UNTIL THE DAY THAT NOE ENTERED INTO THE ARK,

And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.

Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

Matthew 24:37-41

by Dag Heward-Mills

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doctor-who-hears-a-horton · 7 years

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The Fob-Watched Detective (Ten x Rose)

Rating: Teen

Chapter 16/?

The Doctor, having rewritten his biology to get away from the Family of Blood, tells the TARDIS to take himself and Donna to a safe place, and the TARDIS drops his new human persona, Alec Hardy, and Donna Noble, in the one place she knows they’ll be safe: Rose Tyler’s backyard

(This is still a TenxRose story, but Ten is fobwatched as Alec)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15

“What?” Rose asked lamely, not sure what she was expecting, but it really wasn’t that.

He smiled a little. “I love you,” He said softly, “And I feel like I missed out, on being with you, because I didn’t do everything I wanted with you when I had you the first time. And now I’ve ruined it because you wanted Alec and not… Well… Me.”

“I was only so attached to Alec because he was you, Doctor,” Rose said softly. “Had it been just some bloke that looked like you, I wouldn’t have done or said anything romantic towards him, because you were the only one I wanted.” “So while… While you’ve been here, you haven’t-”

She shook her head. “Went on a couple dates, yeah, but I couldn’t really bear to keep them going, you know?” She looked down at her clasped hands in her lap. “It wasn’t right, I couldn’t lead them on.”

He reached out and cupped her cheek, making her look at him again. “I could sort of say the same thing,” he said, chuckling a little. “There were people who showed an interest, of course, but I kept thinking of you.”

Rose, as much as she wanted to believe that, struggled to. This powerful man, who could have any woman in the world, thought about her after she was gone? She blinked at him. “You missed me, did you?”

He nodded. “Every single day,” he said softly. “I’ll show you, come here.”

He took her by the hand and pulled her up to her feet, leading her from the room. She was a bit puzzled but let him lead her, trusting him completely. He led her all the way to a door she vividly remembered. Her own bedroom door from so long ago, painted white with a gold doorknob. She looked at the Doctor.

“But this is just my room,” She said softly. “There’s nothing special about this.”

He nodded to her, indicating that she should go in, and so she opened the door, releasing his hand to step inside. She was struck by the memories of this room, that was, oddly, left almost exactly as she had left it. Except now, there were some of the Doctor’s things among hers. She turned to him, puzzled, waiting for an explanation.

He toed the ground with his trainer, clearly embarrassed, if the coloring on his cheeks was anything to go by. “I slept in here, sometimes. When things were hard. When I felt alone, I would come in and just lay down for a bit.” He looked around the room. “It was nice, to be reminded of you by your things, and I hope you don’t mind, but I did look at your photo albums.” She raised her eyebrows, having forgotten all about those. “Oh! My photos!” She clambered onto the bed and reached into the bedside table, pulling out her two little photo albums that documented the life she had shared with the Doctor. She had missed them dearly when everything had had them, and she never dreamed that he would look at them. She saw him still standing in the doorway and patted the bed next to her. He shook himself and smiled.

“It’s just odd to actually see you in here,” he said, toeing off his trainers and getting on the bed with her, looking a bit awkward. She pulled him closer and snuggled up next to him, settling one of the photo albums across their laps. She opened the book and sighed a little with happiness. These first pictures were of her and her first Doctor, in which he wasn’t usually smiling, but he was smiling whenever he looked at her.

The Doctor next to her kissed the crown of her head and grew a little bolder, drawing her even closer. “I loved you even then,” He admitted softly, “You saved me, you know, from the war.”

She smiled a little, tracing one of the pictures with her fingertips. “I really thought you hated me taking all these pictures.”

“Well, I didn’t know what you were going to do with them, I thought you were taking them so when you left me you’d have something to remember the places we went to.”

Rose smiled a little at his attitude. She wasn’t sure why she took so many pictures, but she knew it wasn’t because she was planning to leave the Doctor. “I took them, I think, so that we could have pictures together,” she said, “You’ll notice there aren’t many pictures of the actual planets, aside from Women Wept and Peruva IV, when we went with Jack.”

The Doctor laughed a little at the picture of her, him, and Jack, where Jack had his arms wrapped around her from behind and the Doctor stood behind them, a tight lipped smile on his face. He tapped his own image. “I was very jealous that day.”

“I know,” She said, “I was doing it on purpose.”

She turned and grinned up at the surprised expression on his face. He blinked at her and laughed. “You meant to?”

“Course! I wanted you to get jealous.”

His smile looked like it was going to crack his face in half. “Yeah?” He said, “Well, you must know that it worked.”

“I assumed,” She said, smiling a little and she started flipping back through the book to get to his new regeneration. “But once Jack’s gone, you take your spot again.”

“You miss him.”

“He was one of my best mates, Doctor. Course I miss him.”

“We’ll go see him, then,” he said softly, sounding dreadfully vulnerable.

She looked up at him and frowned. “What? I thought he was dead.”

“You brought him back, Bad Wolf,” he said softly, “But the problem is, he’s immortal now, you brought him back forever.”

She blinked and looked down. “Oh,” She said softly. “Is he unhappy?”

“Sometimes,” the Doctor admitted, “But Rose, I think he’s grateful to be alive.” He kissed her temple and went back to the book, wanting to draw her attention away from sad conversations. There was a picture of them in Paris that caught his eye, where he was kissing her cheek, his eyes closed, and Rose was beaming at the camera.

“You were so different,” Rose said, deciding to get off the subject of Jack until later (though she wasn’t done talking about it). “After Krop Tor, you were all over me.”

“I was afraid to lose you.”

“But not afraid enough to kiss me properly,” she said softly, flipping the page.

He took her chin in his hand and pulled her towards him, ignoring the shock in her face as he leaned down and kissed her softly on the mouth, fully the Doctor now. Rose breathed out a sigh and shifted the picture book off of them. His hand slid to cup her cheek, his kiss tentative and unsure, and she found herself falling in love with him all over again.

The angle was awkward, so she shifted towards him, bracing herself on her knees over his lap. He let her do what she pleased, not pushing her, not doing anything, really, and Rose had a feeling that that was nerves.

She grabbed his hands and pulled them to her waist. “You can touch me,” She said, breaking the kiss slightly.

“I know,” he said, his eyes squeezed closed, “I just don’t want to lose you again.”

“You won’t,” She promised, tracing his cheek with her fingertips.

“I know,” he said, and surged up to kiss her. It was a little more desperate this time, and she let him lead it, running her hands through his hair and gripping it firmly. He slid his hands up under her shirt and moved the book without moving from her (which she found very impressive but would never say) and he rolled them over, settling himself between her knees.

“I love you,” he whispered into her skin at her neck. “I love you. I’m never going to waste time by not telling you again.”

“I love you too,” she told him, one hand resting at the nape of his neck, one on his back. He continued to kiss her and she tried her best to be an active participant, but she was one hundred percent drunk on him, so it was a little bit difficult to remain coherent. He returned to her mouth, kissing her much deeper than before, and she clenched her hands in his hair, making him grunt and bite her shoulder.

“You are so perfect,” he said, “I remember, I remember being Alec, being obsessed with you, needing to touch you… It was all I wanted, to have you and touch you forever.”

“Oh, God.”

“I was so in love with you then, too, Rose. You took care of me, tried to get me to be healthy, and you never gave up on me. You should’ve given up on me,” he seemed to be rambling, and it struck her, how much she missed his rambling.

“I could never give up on you,” she said firmly, “There was no way I was going to leave you.”

“I should never doubt you,” he said, “Not when I know how incredible you are.”

She let him kiss her how he wanted, and pushed at his suit. “Come on, then, off.”

He grinned at her and said softly, “Welcome home, Rose Tyler.”

She smiled back at him and tugged him down once more, bracketing his hips with her knees and keeping him on her.

***********

She woke several hours later, tangled up with the Doctor, who was running his fingers through her hair, clearly awake.

“Hello,” she said sleepily, cuddling closer to him.

“Hello,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “When do you want to go?”

She lightly smacked his chest. “You know I have to say goodbye. Besides… I wouldn’t be able to see them again.”

“I did some tests while you were sleeping,” he said, “To figure out how Donna and I crashed here.”

“What did you find?” She asked him, trying to feel a little more awake so that she could actually listen to what he had to say to her.

“I found out that we could come back.”

“What?”

“The walls aren’t weakened, between the universes, if anything, they’re stronger. But there’s a path now.”

She braced herself up on his chest and furrowed her brows at him. “What?” He nodded, reaching his hand up to rest on her back. “Yeah. Looks like the Torchwood of this universe strengthened the walls with a project they were working on. That makes it strong enough that passing through, with a TARDIS, would be possible, but only about once a month, otherwise we’d weaken the walls, but we could do it.”

She smiled a little. “That might be my fault,” She admitted, “Me and Mickey were working on a Dimension Cannon.”

He blinked. “What? Why? What?”

She lifted a shoulder, and leaned down to kiss him softly. She pulled back and touched his lips with her fingertips. “To get back to you,” She whispered. “But now you’re telling me that I get to be with you and I get my family?” He grinned under her fingers and pressed a kiss to them. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she said, “But we… We do, right? We get it both ways?”

The Doctor nodded. “Yes, we get it both ways.” he reached up and carded his hand through her hair. “We get to have your family and I get to have you.”

She laid down on him and wrapped her arms around him, squealing with delight. He laughed and hugged her back, burying his face in her neck.

“We’ll have to stay a little bit though, just to make sure that things work, you know? I have to say goodbye to Torchwood, and all my friends, and then we can go.”

The Doctor nodded against her cheek. “Yeah,” he said softly, “And I think Donna will want to visit her family after all this, so I think we should have some time to ourselves.”

“Take me to a vacation planet?” She murmured, “I haven’t been on a vacation since, um… Wow, since we went to Hawaii.”

“Rose, that was almost four years ago,” the Doctor said, sounding shocked.

She nodded against his neck and grinned. “Yeah,” She said.

“Why didn’t you go anywhere, your family is…. Well, quite rich.”

She rolled off him to look at him. “Yeah,” she said, “But I didn’t have anyone I wanted to adventure with.”

He seemed dreadfully touched by that, and leaned over to kiss her, cupping her cheek in his hand. He kissed her for what felt like ages, and then pulled back and pressed his forehead to hers. “Rose Tyler, I promise, I’ll take you anywhere.”

She grinned and leaned forward to kiss his nose. “I’m holding you to that.”

#tenrose #ten x rose #tenxrose #tenth doctor #ten #alec hardy #alecxrose #broadchurch #broadchurch crossover #doctor who fanfic #tenrose fanfic #Doctor who

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getittogetherk · 7 years

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august 7th

hello blog.

my i’ve been productive lately.

so i’ve been ketoing it, counting calories, bulletproof coffeeing in the morning, and taking extra walks to 1)get a minimum of 15,000 steps a day and 2)try to burn up to/around 500 more calories than i take in.

so that’s occupied a lot of my time and my space, walking, usually to Brand Park in the afternoons, sometimes to the local trader joe’s, listening to the Bulletproof radio podcasts, and checking my steps, my heart rate, my caloric input and output. i’m also making breakfast in the mornings, and typically my lunches the night before. i had a week of steak and mushrooms, a week of broccoli and chicken sausage, and a typical breakfast is bulletproof coffee, two eggs with cheese and green sauce, and dinner is a few pieces of tofu or a Quest protein bar. i’ve lost over 10 pounds but still have 20 to go just to get to my January 2016 weight which i still find rather shocking.

so yhea, things have been productive.

let’s see, i don’t remember what i did friday, but saturday i slept a lot, then cleaned from 2:30-5:30 then had c, e, and g come over and we drove to TFK dumpling factory, gorged on georgian dumplings, then came back to my place where we watched three episodes of The Great British Baking show which was a lot of fun. they ended up leaving around 12:30 and it was good times.

sunday i slept a lot of the day but then woke up and actually went to church! that was good. and then i spent a good chunk of time cleaning the hair out of the tub drain and trying to figure out how to make the stopper work, took off the cap, watched some youtube videos, and realized i needed a much longer and wider flat head screwdriver to get out the stopper piece, and gave up

i’ve been cleaning more, and most of my dishes are washed, and just today for example i washed the dishes, sponged off the kitchen sink, swiffered the hardwood floor, mopped the living room, patched a hole in the bathroom wall where the toilet paper roll thing broke and crumbled off, washed, dried, and folded two loads of laundry, and walked to trader joe’s for a week’s worth of groceries, then went to ralphs looking for chicharrones and jello pudding cups but couldn’t find any. boo. but damn, that was like non stop working from 4:30-7:30.

at work too i filed like 50 documents that needed filing and i saw more of my desk today than i’ve probably seen in like a year. i spend the last 30 minutes of each recent day tidying up and wiping down the visible surfaces with some environmentally all purpose cleaner and push my chair in before grabbing my bag and swinging out. i feel more purposeful and less guilty when i put in a good hard day’s work.

i feel pretty good these days. i’m so appreciative of my friends, so much more than i typically am, and i feel more .... at ease with them. i’m just so damn grateful that they’re around. i dunno.

but i’ve been having bad days too. thursday i wasn’t feeling well but went to a work happy hour, drank three whiskeys even know i promised myself i’d only have two, then went to another bar where i had the worst whiskey i’ve ever tasted, Beam 8 Star, and regretted everything. i had previously been speaking to a one-on-one mentor pairer for my church and had broken into tears and so was feeling particularly vulnerable. friday i was rather self-loathing and wept bitterly while speaking to my dear friend lido. it’s a roller coaster certainly.

but oh well. bills are paid, paychecks come in regularly, and i have The Broad tomorrow with my parents and Syracuse in a week for fishing and hang time with my aunt, so ... can’t be too glum.

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shytiff · 3 years

Text

Small Nov Wins

1 - cant bring myself to study, got out of bed 10:30-ish am. While lazing around i read royal servant and do random internet stuff and watched romee's vlogs. Ate breakfast and i somehow has no appetite?? This is rare. e, cicil kompre began at 15:30 pm (i know, i waste my time a lot). Pengumuman wahana mpi wow yay kalideres makara and budi asih

2 - the weather was pleasantly cloudy. poli anestesi anak, simul. went to what used to be calais, its called flavola now. at this point i quite need some calories because i only ate bubur ayam and its like 2-3 pm ish. Eventually the hunger is gone, arrived home at about 4-ish, drank protein to curb my hunger (nanggung dinner). dad said sumn that annoyed me so after maghrib i just lazed in bed, not feeling like doing anything (even though there’s lots of exams and hw lmao), fell asleep

3 - woke up at 2 am, prated, randomly searched for angel - chancellor and taeyeon’s lyrics and i basically wept at 4 am. i assumed the song was just like,,, a guy talking to a girl, his angel, you know. EXCEPT,,,,,,,,. the 2 MVs was also rly222 beautiful 🥺. Poli geriatri today, didnt even see patient because there was no more at that time (status salin nadia). ate ichiban salad (surprisingly quite good) at dm bcs i rly do be functioning better outdoors, made matcha latte with full cream milk ((powder)), cicil PT

4 - can finally wake up late. finished 1 sitasi pt, made ikk ppt, bujing lina called about diarrhea and nausea meds, laddered the leader for tomorrow’s exam and it,, was,,, me,, group call with shiko. frantically studied for EA

5 - PT (finished in 45 mins), simul as a leader, with STEMI, VF and hypoglycemia case. somehow made it through. i suck at dosages omggg. PP by car with mom (not rly that tired) but i SLEPT after i got home and had no mood to study helpppp

6 - did my first swab test today. i pushed the doctors hand when she’s doing oropharyngeal swab im sorryyyy 😂. slept. matcha. cicil kompre

7 - still havent finished ikk (deadline: today), and still havent studied for geri and ikk AND i still managed to take a nap. why. Read a bit of kompre. Not sleepy after matcha, but insted i reread bj alex and tsubaki chou lonely planet until 2 am the next day #rippriorities

8 - im having matcha latte seven days in a row as of today :))))) woke up at 10:30 am, went to flavola with atikah and got strawberry yakult (tasted like es mony), arrived home at abt 7-ish am and there no dinner, so i drank protein and ate japota honey butter. My breakfast was chicken porridge, so my diet is sooo liquid today. Rip proper nutrition (ate buryam, lumpia, japota for the whole day and drank 3 beverage). Cicil kompre and studied geri

9 - suma geri, slept, cicil kompre, ny head kind of hurts

10 - my head still hurts, suma ikk with dr herqu and dr retno, didnt take swab result by car because the TRAFFIC in soetta so my brother took it. Thankfully negative.

11 - lulus kompre alhamdulillah, the examiner were Prof Saptawati and dr. Dani from THT. Dr dani still remembered me :"") they were very kind. Went to tamel for first wahana: klinik makara UI. Picked up masker first at mahmudas place, and then went to depok. On the way i was interviewed by maba 2020 wtf im so old. Cleaned up my room with the fam, printed sumn in barel (its quite empty there)

12 - first day at klinik makara ui. i WALKED. such wow. fixed my shoes in kutek. had breakfast in barel and bahari for lunch-dinner. somehow i felt very drained. bought Dapur Alya (nutella and regal) and 2 salads from Salad Point since there was 11.11 promo. Put all of them in the fridge. Read Fools and its sooo good omg

13 - had salad and left over bahari rice for brekkie. went to clinic by grabbike :)))), had my first teleconsultation experience today, a chemical trauma case. suma ea with the help of shiko

14 - woke up at 5:20 ish and i jogged a bit at ui lmaoo. fisip - ft - fisip. By 6:30 im already back at my room. 1 hour can be spent a lot of different ways, it turns out. Washed my clothes. Ate monstercheese pizza. Slept a bit. Went to blok m with ara (she was late as always, surprised her with koi milk tea), ate futago ya (greasy cheesy milky goodness, enak tapi eneg afterwards), bought red bean bread at la mouette, bought discounted onigiri bento box at papaya. We went to m bloc space, looked around, ate gelato at kebunide (blueberry: yum, fresh, kiiinda feels artificial, salted caramel: delicious but makes me thirsty) and did photobox at connectoon. Walked to mrt asean but turns out!! for weekends mrt is closed at 8pm. Took grabbike to sudirman, seeing the pretty city and people just hanging out, playing skateboards on the wide sidewalks.

15 - planned to go jogging with salemba frens but i woke up late (06:45), so i just lazed around. Ate onigiri bento (super worth it for 25k for the proteins), fell asleep again 10ish to 14:30 lmaoo. The doms from yesterday was present even on the right side of my lower back 🙂 the red bean bread made me feel full, and the red bean was not too sweet, which i love. Reviewed some meshwork materials i missed. Fianti called and we talked abt her and hari

16 - had mujigae for sahur and fish bite for iftar. The fish was not as soft as fish streat, but the flour was definitely better and crunchy. But it doesnt have the seasoning micin like fish streat do. The pasta was quite a lot im in food coma afterwards. Fell asleep, and my stomach was so gassy that i woke up in the middle with a headache that does not play around. Fortunately it dissapeared in the morning

17 - breakfast is rice kimchi and abon lmaoo just pretend it makes sense. The scrubs i ordered finally arrived. I fell asleep AGAIN, WHYYYY. Lost my streak in DL, i guess i can stop using it for now.

18 - finished reading blood link, girlll i thought the human died at the end. Did not buy food today wow. Took a nap and cicil kompre.

19 - brekkie at barel. Helped measuring antropometry today at clinic, and also measured my own. The fucked up thing was that i THOUGHT my body fat is still at 28% compared to the past (dr rina's research). So i looked at the old paper AND. I USED TO HAVE. 35% FAT 🙂 even my memories are in denial and are fooling me. All this time i thought i was at 28 🙂 did swab at rsui. The one swabbing was from fkui 2012 and we had small talk. It hurted more than lmk :( now this does feel like drowning in water (cause before i said "nah its not like water in nose"). Took angkot back to tamel, bought piscok lumer pocin and its soooo gooood ugh

20 - i feel like if i have breakfast with leftover rice and abon and sozzis i get hungry faster lmaoo. Ordered ken karaage from kukusan, yaa okela for 25k with ongkir. Did online posbindu education through wa. BTS BE COMEBACK 🥺 i maximized my wifi time (no wifi at tamel) so i listened to the whole album. My mobile data is at 200MB lol. Read a good longreads from the atlantic, about down synd and genetic screening. The writing is so so good im just blown away. And teary eyed.

21 - ran a bit, solid class (gastro, rheum, infection), embryo, webinar about sleep by dr Gita Anindyajati, SpKJ, bought ayam geprek gold chick (lotsss of oil since i ordered tempe, jamur, egg, bought pop cookies. matcha cheese was actually better than i expected (the combination somehow fits), dark chocolate and marshmallow is very chocolatey like mom’s brownies, and vegan strawberry cookie with a hint of mint. i wonder how they replace the egg. I wonder why after i run i dont feel hungry for a moment. bloating just gooes away

22 - joined kris' healthy weekly event (lmao) in tamsur. They went to epiwalk first. Its difficult for me to run w mask, ngl. Went back to tamel, embryo, ate leftover meal from gold and chick, felt somehow drained to the bone so i just laid in bed and lazed and lazed. Theres no soreness, but the weakness was generalized lmao. Ordered bbq chicken almond salad from salad point, it was actually quite fulfilling and delishhh (added chili sauce to the dressing). Literally laid in bed from 7 until i fell asleep and woke up at 6 the next day. Finished readin shame application lmao

23 - i still feel tired ckckck. No doms, but i feel like i just want to lay down. got DV patient today at clinic, its most likely derm numularis??? Ate salad and dark choco marshmallow cookies in the evening and that cookie. Is so damn sweet im just thinking about the increase in my blood sugar. And i like sweets so!!! Never thought id find sumn too sweet. Washed my clothes and cicil ukmppd (i put things about studying ukmppd in habitica now)

24 - ate tanoshi sushi and ufo ramen for bfast, ate the sushi again for lunch and after waking up from my sleep i tried kokku ramen (so so, but the egg yolk's good)

25 - bfast: superbubur, protein shake and cookies. (did not make me feel full long enough). Ordered burger from EATG (so so, burger bener is better) for lunch. Last day at makara ui. Ara arrived coz shes staying here in tamel. Waiting for mom to arrive from cibubur, she arrived at about 20:30. I passed out at home

26 - first day in pkm kalideres, i volunteered to be pj to avoid RSUD. my room is a mess, i feel tired after i go back. maybe its the physical withdrawal (?) because i dont walk like when im on klinik makara. came to pkm thinking i wont do anything (orientation only) but the 6 of us ended up going. i was at igd. i saw nail extraction and injected ats for another patient

27 - talked for almost an hour with the doctor at poli lansia. went home, felt sooo tired, i slept and actually showered after maghrib. originally planned to go to sbux but i was just tired af. my mood was horrible at home.

28 - turns out i started my period today. i havent studied at all during pkm kalideres era. embryo. slept again. read some manga by nishin something with the psychological and BL genre.

29 - embryo. cut my hair, showered, and felt better. fell asleep on dr gita's lecture. Drank cimory banana milk with a bit of matcha powder. I dont know if its the sleep, or a bit of caffeine, but my mood feels better and im more awake. Cicil ukmppd with a slow pace. Read itasaku ff. Slept at about 2 am

30 - surprisingly, i dont feel sleepy when i wake up. poli anak today, surprisingly i got perinatology case (jaundice). presented it on pleno. for bfast i ate 3 slice of bread (2 with meat and cheese, 1 choco and cheese) and protein shake, lunch: a slice of choco cheese bread and a banana, fell asleep, dinner: 1 bakwan, a banana and nextar. i can feel that the calories i got today is even less than what i usually got (and usually i already try to limit calories that i am counting the intake amout and made sure im not too far from my bmr lmaoo (~1100)

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