#someone's gotta talk about lesbian men and i guess it's gotta be me

[skrunksthatwunk]

if you're reading this ask yourself whether you would accept a genderfluid or multigender person's lesbian identity. now consider whether or not you would accept a trans man's lesbian identity. now consider whether you would accept a cis man's lesbian identity.

because i think there are many people who would accept the first, but not the second two, and others who would accept the first two, but not the last one. but from where i'm standing, these are all inseparable questions.

the acceptance for multigender, genderfluid, and other similar gender-ID lesbians as valid forms of lesbians is often subtextually qualified by the fact that they are not only men. so men are allowed within lesbian spaces, but only if they are a) only men sometimes or b) not exclusively men. but i think this goes back to the idea that lesbians are "non-men who love non-men," an idea that assumes a mutual exclusivity between men and other genders, as well as men and lesbians/lesbianism. this is a concept of sapphicism that excludes many people, myself included.

i have seen people present the idea of trans men and lesbians having a historic connection and community/experiential overlap, and thus the idea of a trans man who is also a lesbian often sits within that historical (i.e. bygone) context, as well as that shared experience. i think two things happen here. first, there is a belief that this is an old phenomenon, one that no longer occurs due to the greater number of more highly proliferated labels. the thought is that this overlap would not have occured if they'd had the proper language available—that people would slot into their boxes neatly, essentially. this is not true, as evidenced by the modern existence of trans men who are/were/once ID'd as lesbians, and lesbians who are/were/once ID'd as trans men. the second is the idea that that confusion or overlap essentially gives them a pass to call themselves lesbians, due to attachment to the title; or the suggestion that a shared experience gives them the right, even as men, to identify as lesbians anyway, a right that is not extended to cis men. but i ask what that shared experience might be, and whether that should be the qualification? is it a queer afab upbringing? that could mean a lot of things. aroace women would also have such an upbringing, and many of them would not view themselves as lesbians. there are plenty of lesbians who are not afab as well, and do not have whatever externally-perceived girlhood is imagined within that. plenty of trans men (and other afab trans people) do not view themselves as having ever been little girls, and plenty of trans women (and other non-afab trans people) view themselves as having been, at some point, boys. there are many others still whose "shared experience" will not be so neatly defined. intersex people of all genders often have very different experiences with perceived and experienced sex and gender, particularly if their puberty is blatantly not typical girl-puberty or boy-puberty. even things like racial or class dynamics could skew that experience, of who is allowed to be a girl (i.e. black women in america being barred from the social roles of "woman" because the concept is associated with/necessitates whiteness), or similar questions. my point is that, while perhaps a stronger link, shared experience is an undefinable and non-comprehensive concept here, as with, frankly, most/all gender/sexuality concepts. any box will lead to exclusion; every rule has exceptions.

this leads me to the third concept. though it may be hard for some to imagine a cis man who is also (genuinely, unironically) a lesbian, i think it is safe to assume that at least one exists, and likely many more. (in discussions of gender/sexuality theory, i think it is best practice to assume that is the case.) my challenge to you, especially if you said yes to the prior two and no to this one, is to consider what makes a cis man different from these prior examples. if you believe that some men may be allowed into lesbianism, why not cis men? what makes them different? why should men need additional genders to be lesbians? why should they need to have the community-approved gender path/understanding to be lesbians? who dictates the life or experience that allows one to be a lesbian, and is it anyone's right to decide that?

i just think it's good to ask yourself these things. i am very happy to see an increase in acceptance of the first two categories of lesbians on here, but i think (and i say this with love) that a lot of these people don't really consider why they are accepted, and whether those rules apply to other groups. they begin to accept others, but don't question the broader framework. it's just a suggestion. as a genderfluid + multigender lesbian myself, i have to confront the "no boys allowed/men dni" stuff a lot, and i think the ways i'm affected by it and my experience trying to encourage the letting go of such sentiments has given me some perspective on the issue. and although im not cis anything, much less a cis man, i guess i wanted to like,, prompt some reflection in people? because i think there's a lot of well-meaning and genuinely very progressive people who may think "you're a lesbian if you say you are" but don't apply that to situations where they're confronted with a type of lesbian they don't understand/that doesn't fit their definitions. like if self-id is what matters then anyone could be a lesbian. my point is that that's true, and that's okay. you don't need to keep anyone out. lesbianism is in your heart, basically.

#im putting obscure gender theory dyke discourse on the dash again sorry #this post extends to mspec lesbians and the like as well. men and lesbianism are not mutually exclusive okay thats my point #anyway ive talked about this a few times before but whatever it needs to be said again. fuck it #someone's gotta talk about lesbian men and i guess it's gotta be me #look obviously the consensus is not that trans men can be lesbians or even that genderfluid lesbians are valid or whatever #trust me if you believe either of those things you're ahead of the curve on dyke theory and acceptance and i appreciate it #but maybe this'll make someone feel seen or change their minds or realize something idk. im just thinking out loud here #i know it's not the biggest problem in the world or that it's a very 'online issue' but i think it actually is relevant to someone somewhere #maybe not a cis man who's a lesbian but someone related or someone who does exclude certain lesbians #people have been talking about weird dyke genders since before the internet too like it's not just terminally online discourse or whatever #anyway this is just meant to be smth to chew on yk. yeah 👍

[findafight]

On the one-sided harringrove post- I feel it becomes infinitely funnier with bi steve. He likes men, just not Billy. Never Billy.

Oh yeah. When Billy fiiiirst comes to school with his music blaring Steve is head over heels for Nancy, so he might register that the guy with the Camaro and loud music has a good ass, but then billy opens his mouth and Steve is like "oh, no ass can make up for that personality." And continues with his life.

Just. Okay I like to project just a liiiiittle on Steve with him just. Not realizing his attraction to men isn't a straight thing. Like. Of course all straight people feel that way, you just kinda ignore it or don't do anything about it. So Steve is half way between being comfortable in his sexuality and being closeted to himself because buddy used Hawkeye Pierce as the blueprint of straightness.

So Billy is out here, wallowing in self hatred and internalized homophobia, hating Steve and wanting Steve and hating that he wants Steve and wishing Steve would pay attention to him enough for a hate fuck he can cry about later, and it's all very angsty. All the while Steve is just actually completely fine with thinking a dude is hot he's just got standards that include "not racist" "doesn't try to beat up kids" "hasn't made me blackout from head trauma"

Wait. Oh no. I feel an au coming on. Shit. Au where post S2 Robin hears piano coming from the band room after hours and is her curious self going "I must see who is this mysterious genius" and it's Steve. They get to talking and hanging out and all of a sudden Robin thinks they are actually good friends. Best friends. Somehow.

Cue them going to a band party together. Someone spikes their drinks with waayyyy more than they were expecting so they are blasted. Robin has to go pee but does not want to go alone so she drags Steve into the bathroom with her and makes him face away. He's like haha Woah you really had to pee. And she goes shut upppp and washes her hands but sits across from him. Steve smiles at her and gives her his speech about how amazing she is and how glad he is to be her friend (it is like March '85 so he is still not ready to get back out into dating yet). Robin tells him about Tammy. They sing. Someone slams the door open and kicks them out of the bathroom because there's a fuckin line.

They lay on the grass outside and look at the sky. Steve like. Caaaaasually mentions once having thought he was gonna marry Tommy when he was six and then realizing you just didn't do anything about those feelings and Robin's gotta shoot up going WHAT!! WHAAAT? Because it sounded like Steve coming out to her? Right after?? She came out to him??

And Steve is like yeah. Like you don't really have to? Easier to ignore it and flirt with girls who I like or think are hot. And poor Robin's brain is melting she's like please Steve I'm really drunk are you telling me you sometimes want to kiss boys? And he's like yes, obviously, everyone does. Just like everyone also wants to sometimes kiss girls. Except lesbians I guess who only want to kiss girls? And gay guys only want to kiss guy? Yeah that makes sense and straight people don't care but go for the opposite ya know?

Robin is like NO!! And calms down some and says "okay I'm telling you this because you are my friend and you just told me almost the same thing. Steve. I like girls and only like girls. That not a straight thing"

"yeah. You've said."

"but I am ninety nine percent positive that just because you like girls doesn't mean you're straight because you also like boys."

"what"

"yeah dude, I do not think this is a heterosexual experience you're describing. I'm not an expert but. Yeah.

"oh. Huh."

"yep."

"I definitely thought it was."

"your brain is so weird I'm still kind of obsessed with you."

"haha. Honestly I'm kind of obsessed with you. This is wild."

"well. At least I know you're stuck with me."

"ohhh nooooo whatever will I do with my best friend always around..."

ANYWAYS THE ACTUAL POINT OF THIS is not in fact the stobin. It's actually that

Sometime probably in may, when Steve is ready to be on the dating scene again, he gets with Eddie. Robin is happy for him but also so mad because he went from "probably shouldn't act gay even tho everyone feels a little gay sometimes" to "hey Robin what would you say if I said I got a boyfriend?" In less than two months. How does he have straight AND gay game. That's not fair.

Steddie getting together is a non event. Eddie is still like ewww sports and yet somehow he made out with Steve Harrington and the next day Steve asked if he wanted to get milkshakes and throw rocks into the quarry to see the splashes. Eddie must restrain himself from thinking it's a date because he knows it's not but it'd also be the perfect date (Eddie is a simple man)

At the end of the night steve kissed his cheek and says "I had a really great time..."

Eddie just blurted "hey do you want to be my boyfriend?"

To which Steve perks up like "yes! I'd like that!"

And Eddie didn't actually think he'd get that far so he was like "neat!! See you tomorrow!" before slamming the door in Steve's face.

So they're dating and Eddie disparages sports but Steve is like haha aw you don't like watching me play? Which is sooo mean to Eddie because obviously?? He likes?? Watching his boyfriend??? Run around in tiny shorts and sometimes shirtless?? He has to reevaluate some things he supposes.

All while this is happening Billy is still on his Greatest Homoerotic Rivals shtick with Steve. Eddie notices and is like to dude...what is with Billy? And Steve just sighs. Says Billy is weird and obsessed with him and glares all the time. It's a whole thing. Billy is pissed because what is Steve, his epic rival, doing hanging around some random band geek, his sister's bitchass friends, and maybe the local dealer.

Alright. Grad happens. Yay Steve! Poor Eddie. They go to some party , hang out with people, sell some drugs, etc. Billy is unfortunately also at this party, and is like. Lazer eyes boring into Steve's back. Very annoying. At some point, he sees Steve slip away and is like this is my chance so he follows him.

Howmever he comes across Steve, his epic and totally heterosexual rival, making out with Eddie the freak Munson.

And listen this is a scary thing to be caught inna town like Hawkins, but that's not the point of this post.

So Billy goes "what the hell?"

They turn around. Billy is still spluttering.

"what are you-why would you-- with him?!" He says.

Steve raises his eyebrows, alllll cocky confidence. He smirks a bit. Drawls. "Well, yeah. I like cock, billy. Just not yours."

Because the point of this post is that Steve is a bitch.

Thank you.

#steve Harrington #eddie munson #platonic stobin #steddie #anti harringrove #lol anon you got me rambling. #stranger things #robin buckley #findaanswers #finda writes stuff #anonasaurus #anti billy hargrove #tagging for both i guess hoo boy #didnt think itd turn up in the billy tag because thats the eighth tag so i guess my bad! #it was for organization and tag blocks #billy Hargrove

[brookiidookiii]

what are your favorite and least favorite ships? 👀

Oh boy do I have a lot of opinions

- tbh I like a lot of Jo ships. Jock joeather jomaria,, ngl lately I’ve been in a joeather mood. Her x any girl is always a classic. The only guy I can ship her with is brick really 😭 I think they have really good chemistry. And I am a sucker for rivalries + it’s been a childhood OTP. I low key thought they were gonna end up together when I first watched s4.

Now I could write essays on joeather forever. Their rivalry could’ve been something great but the writers were awful. I think Jo should kiss her enemies

- yeah sorry I’m a duncney enjoyer and I do not care how toxic they were. Adds flavor. Heathney is excellent too. Courtney just needs someone who will enable her bad behavior (also sorry I prefer heathney over gwourtney). The TikTok fandom is really annoying about duncney tho because I’ll see videos about how “why does no one ever talk about how toxic duncney is :(“ while all the tumblr fandom does is talk about how they can make them worse lmaooo

- samkota is my favorite canon couple

- MKulia duhhhh I’ve been a shipper since I watched the reboot, which I started watching probably a month before s2 got released. Toxic yuri

- Chemma in the sense that it’s ironic and I can just make memes about them I don’t actually like them

- gwoey ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

- Trent x Lindsay is a secret rarepair of mine. They can be cute

- SKYELLLAA as much as I love toxic yuri I love wholesome stuff too. I think they are neat

- sanders x MacArthur. Idek how to explain what kind of relationship they’d have but I think they are both butch lesbians. MacArthur you are my lord and savior

Okay least favorites let’s go. Also heads up I don’t really care for any of the m/m ships 😭 mostly because I don’t care for many of the male characters lol

- zoke. They didn’t even do anything wrong like I LIKE them but they’re just so boring and unentertaining that what’s even the point yk. And when Zoey got superpowers after Mike left. Stop. Secondhand embarrassment. Like in s4 they were obnoxious at best but in all stars that made me truly pray on their downfall. I like fanon zoke.

In my mind they had a sweet romance that lasted a few years until they got a bigger divorce and left on good terms

- any and all Noah ships sorryyyy he’s overrated and I don’t like Noah at all. I don’t get the hype around alenoah it’s not that good. Everytime someone calls MKulia yuri alenoah an evil politician gets another year added to their life. I don’t like you. Like I get why people like noco. Just pure fluff, which isn’t for me, and they did have that ear kiss which was something, but I still hate it

I saw someone say alenoah was basically just aleheather without heather and yeah. Everytime I see someone list out the reasons Alejandro would be into Noah it’s just the same reasons Alejandro’s into heather.

Also MKulia is more like joeather anyway but whateva,,

- I don’t even make that many sexuality headcanons bc I guess I just don’t think about it but I can tell you who’s straight. Damien is straight. He is the most heterosexual person the series has ever made. I don’t think he should be shipped to with men. Also Wayne is straight

- sugella because as much as I love toxic yuri, that doesn’t even sound like fun toxicity just misery. It’s not for me 😭 I still stan sugar tho

- ripaxel. I tried to like it SORRRYYYY ripper is annoying and he needs the death penalty. Everytime they’re compared to jock I lose a year off my life. Ripaxel is what jock haters think jock shippers like. You are all wrong.

Axel is my queen and lord and savior. It’s okay babygirl we can ride off into the sunset together

- prileb. Why did it exist. I hate this. But seeing priya in love was pretty cute I gotta admit

- gwuncan. Self explanatory

- Scottney cause wtf 😭😭😭 once again I like them in the sense that I can make memes about it but bro SCOTT???? Courtney you can do better than that thing. Scott has skidmarks

- fanon brott 💀💀💀 I don’t like fanon brick in general. Y’all do him dirty. Ong Scott would not let brick use him as his Barbie doll for clothes. Scott would make fun of brick for liking fashion. Do you know nothing about Scott? Saw someone once say that they would watch legally blonde together HELL NO.

Also I really really hate that when I go out looking for jomaria fanfics, they’re only ever tagged as side couples in brott fics. Are you kidding me.

- bro the malejandro fanfics 😭 who is writing these things. Some of those titles make me lose it. I think we all should stop acknowledging mal and all stars existences

- gwody. Once again that big ass chin motherfucker doesn’t deserve Gwen.

- Jo x any other guy. Sorry. She doesn’t deserve any of those fuckers. Jock is the exception because at least he’d treat her right but even then he’s just a guy

- I don’t like Scott x anyone in general. Even Dott I’m hesitant because it would never work out and that’s what makes it soooo fun to explore because in the end she always ends up killing him

bruh most of these yaoi ships piss me off idk I don’t get the appeal for any of them. But I draw whatever people ask from me idrc it’s not a big deal LOLLL

Also this fandom is so goddamn cringe for calling straight couples yuri/yaoi. YOU LOOK EMBARRASSING OKAY

There’s a lot more couples I dislike than like tbh. I don’t think this fandom or its opinions sorry guys

#ask #I am a hater sorry #I have a lot more platonic dynamics in my head

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

Serious question: how is it possible not to feel like we're doomed after reading such discussions? Like, it's clear people just refuse to care about women at all. They only care about men who call themselves women

I gotta be honest. I'm optimistic. If you're naturally pessimistic then you are already dead in the water, that's just the truth. But also, I feel like real life is better than online. I've had multiple pleasantly surprising conversations because I wasn't afraid to speak up. You can't be afraid to voice your opinion. Also, I don't understand the sentiment of being afraid to lose friends because of your disagreement on trans rights. I'll happily lose anyone who tells me that lesbians can like dick. Not only do I not give a single shit, but I've done it before and would do it again. Value yourself more. You don't deserve to be around people like that. Cut them off. You're not losing anything. I'm not in agreement with my friends on trans rights, but I have told them what's what. One of them has come to me privately to ask me questions on my beliefs, and we had a very respectful discussion. The thing is, I think these discussions are better in real life. Idk what it is, but people are sweeter when you talk to them face to face. Repeating what people say back to them helps them see that they're being ridiculous. I told one of my friends that liking both genitals makes someone bisexual, and she completely agreed despite the fact you can probably guess what we were arguing about that would prompt me to say that. A few months ago, I was in a group of people my age and we were absolutely clowning on a boy in our class who had said that trans women belonged in women's sports and who had called our teacher a terf . One of the boys in our group had never even heard the word terf before. A lot of the good people are offline or aren't heavily engaged in this specific debate. You gotta remember that the grand majority of people are straight and thus don't spend much time thinking about gay or trans people. I asked my mother what she thought of trans people and she said she "doesn't think about it". Imagine that? Never once thinking about this? A lot of people aren't aware of what's going on. Do you remember super straight? Straight people caught a whiff of the nonsense that trans people spout about sexuality and they went OFF. There's a lot more animosity towards the homophobia and misogyny of the trans movement than you think. Riley J Dennis' video about genital preferences was FILLED with people disagreeing with him and saying he wants everyone to be bisexual. Genuinely not a positive comment in sight. If you repeat trans rhetoric to regular people, there's a fairly good chance they'll think you're joking around. People want to be good. They take things at face value. A trans person say this? It must be true! They'll hit the 'like' button on trans positivity posts. But if you just challenge them a little bit then they almost always crack, in my experience. A literal perfect example is during the argument between my friends I mentioned above. One of them quite literally said "I've been agreeing with what you guys have said so far, but after hearing what [me] had to say, I agree with that as well." Like. You CAN'T be a coward. I remain positive because I don't think that things are as bad as a lot of you guys think. I genuinely really don't. I have so many more positive things to say, but I'm feeling burnt out so hopefully this makes you feel better, anon ❤️

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

Thinking About Eddie Discovering He’s in a Bi 4 Bi Relationship with Lucy in the Dumbest Way Possible

My sister and I were playing around with idea and it made us laugh so I thought I'd share it with y'all

So Eddie and Lucy have been together for a while, Corroded Coffin is finally gaining some notoriety and Eddie has even gone on a short tour as the opening act for a bigger band

He's known he's bi since he was a kid, but hasn't really come out and is only now getting comfortable with it after living in Chicago for a few years and just knowing that other LGBT people are out there

But the AIDS epidemic is still going on, and all the stuff about bi-men especially is really bad so he's just not sure

However with more press centering around him and the band, he figures it's time he at least tell Lucy rather than have her hear something through the rumor mill

Robin has come out to everybody in the group at this point as well as Will, so Eddie thinks it will go over well, but he's still nervous

It's one thing to support one's friends, but he's not sure how much being her boyfriend will change her perspective on things

So imagine his surprise that when he tells her, not only is she totally accepting, but she even tells him, "it's completely normal"

This phrasing takes him aback and he asks her, "what do you mean by normal"

And she looks him dead in the eye and tells him, "well we all know being straight isn't really a thing"

And he, completely astounded by this statement says, "care to elaborate"

And she's like, "well everybody knows that all girls are pretty, and obviously all guys are handsome, but the trouble is that the church and government need men and women to get married in order to have children to maintain the country's work force and maintain property rights. So, they act like men loving each other and women loving each other as this affront against the nation's values or whatever. Which is so stupid since, again, we all like each other anyway so what does it matter who ends up marrying who? But I guess that's the government for you"

And Eddie is sitting there stupefied because like...she's not wrong? But her round about logic is wild, so he's like, "so when David Bowie says he's bi, what do you think that means?"

And Lucy is like, "well he's just saying the quiet part out loud, which gets everybody really mad"

And Eddie is just nodding along as this point and is like, "okay, honey, I need you to answer me this honestly, what do you think a lesbian is"

And Lucy is like, "a woman who dates women, obviously"

And Eddie is like, "okay good, and a gay guy?"

And Lucy is like, "a man who dates men, I do know what words mean"

And Eddie is like, "okay, so by that logic, if there are women out there who are only attracted to women and men out there who are only attracted to men, shouldn't it then mean that there are guys who are only attracted to women and vice versa?"

And Lucy is like, "no"

And Eddie is like, "well then what do you think a straight person is?"

And Lucy is like, "somebody who dates someone who is of the opposite sex"

And Eddie is like, "then because I'm dating you, am I straight?"

And Lucy is like, "no, you just told me you're bi"

And Eddie is like, "so, you're attracted to women?"

And Lucy is like, "yes"

"And you're dating me, so presumably you like guys"

"Of course"

"So you're bi"

And Lucy is like, "well I've only dated you so, technically I'm straight"

Eddie at this point doesn't know how to proceed and then is like, "have you told Steve or Jonathan this theory?"

And Lucy is like, "oh yeah, me and Steve had a long talk about it and he agrees with me"

Eddie now baffled is like, "what?"

And Lucy is like, "yeah, after Robin came out, me and Steve had a long conversation about it and he agrees that everybody is hot and the whole homophobia thing is stupid"

Eddie now completely exhausted is like, "okay, I gotta make a phone call, I love you and we're going to continue this conversation later"

Eddie then calls Robin who confirms everything Lucy just told him and that Steve was also of the same mind set

She had tried to explain to them what being bisexual meant, but neither of them were getting it so she decided to drop it assuming they'd figure it out on their own

Little did she know at the time that the pair of them were sitting so far in the closet together they had entered a state of nirvana by convincing themselves straight people just didn't exist

Eddie almost feels bad when he eventually has to burst her bubble and finally get Lucy to understand that straight people do, in fact, exist and it isn't just internalized homophobia, but real genuine hatred for people who are different that has been driving so much oppression against himself and others; but, it does make for a more open communication between the two of them and each are allowed to be just a little more themselves around the other

TLDR; Lucy and Steve both think straight people are a conspiracy made up by the government and Eddie realizes he is not, in fact, the dumbest bisexual on the planet

#stranger things #eddie munson #lucy henderson #eddie munson x oc #eddie munson x henderson!reader #stranger things oc #leddie

[scattered-winter]

in honor of s6 returning tomorrow, here's a collection of highlights from the 911 annotation doc feat. season 2 finale and tsunami arc (transcript below the cut)

hen sees a chance to make buck’s life living hell and she always takes it <3 older sibling behavior

chim: [hands buck a sledgehammer]

buck: >:D

I FORGOT [maddie] CAME INTO THIS EPISODE <33333

not to be dramatic but if my brother almost walked into the shower with me absolutely ass-cheeked naked i would simply require him to give me financial compensation

buck automatically assumes maddie is talking about eddie when she says someone’s cute

sir. buddy old pal.

press f to pay respects to the new ladder truck that lasts all of like 3 episodes before blowing up

these detectives are stupid as FUCK godbless <3

MADNEY

THEY’RE DISGUSTING. WHEN IS THE WEDDING <3

damn i wish it would rain money where i am rn

a guy comes falling onto a car out of a window and my first thought is “it’s raining men hallelujah”

EUEHHH ITS MAGGOT LADY ALSO

not the hair maggot lady. the other one.

the fact that i have to specify WHICH maggot lady it is. evil.

lmao i forget that. most 15 year olds dont have learner’s permits

i was driving farm equipment when i was 10 so im an outlier i guess

oh my god the hand on buck’s waist

homosexuals

[ID: a close-up screencap of eddie and buck hugging, with eddie's hand on buck's waist and buck's hands on eddie's shoulders. end ID]

do u see this shit mr krabs

[eddie] looks soooooooooooooo slutty in that white shirt oh my god

spiritual successor to the slutty black tank top

WOOOOOO HERE WEGO <333 MOST INSANE FEW EPISODES TO EVER GRACE NATIONAL TELEVISION <33333333333333333

i was a different person before watching the tsunami for the first time btw. after finishing this arc i was a Changed Man.

DO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT NO WATER MEANS. Y’ALL LIVE IN LA. YOU SHOULD KNOW.

WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING

GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE

GO GO GO GO GO GOG OG GO GOG OG GO GOG GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO

ghlsdkjfskg this guy wanting A Sign … my brother you got a fucking tsunami

poseidon said Fuck this guy

fuck it

au where the greek gods are real

i mean we already know zeus has it out for buck and eddie

it aint much of a stretch <333

LENA <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

i think she and lucy should have met onscreen tbh

or maybe not because the sheer dyke energy would be too powerful for the show to handle

and yes i know this show has a canon lesbian couple. irrelevant <3

ghlskdjg buck’s look of absolute shock after eddie looks him in the eye and says That….bitch me too the fuck

MAN AND [athena] HAS TO AMPUTATE A GUY’S ARM….

major props to her because i could NOT do that

i’d simply say Sorry bro i just. yeah i have a uh. thing. with a guy. i gotta go. bye <3

ghslkdgj [chim] makes a quip as he’s pulling up <333 ofc he does <33333

i fucking love him btw. in case u couldnt tell.

“we’re gonna need a bigger mail truck” the way you just KNOW he’s seen jaws

#winter speaks #911 annotations #911 abc #i think im the funniest bitch on planet earth. cope with it.

[munamania]

gonna complain again even tho i already spent time on it yesterday immediately after having to hang out with this person (oh my god i ranted for so long this is going under a keep reading)

so i hung out with my fun cool stoner friend and our one roommate from when we were in la last night and i mostly put up w her for the sake of my other friends but she’s sooooo annoying in that she’s someone that’s impossible to hang out with as a dyke im sory but there are the other issues too. like ok for instance her idea of being bisexual!! and having her gay AND straight media taste!!! (first of all huh) is like heartstopper and the summer i turned pretty. girl in neither of those situations are there women and especially lesbians at the forefront i mean yes ik heartstopper but like thats for two seconds. and im annoying and brought up my lesbian media to resounding silence shockingly whatever. and then. this part burned me and insulted me to my core. bc you know how kit connors kind of like a baby butch to me and im so serious sorry like he contains multitudes. and i kinda made a little comment abt that affectionately and she shows me this prettyboy from like whatever fucking show and tried to be like ‘abby just imagine him as a butch’ and i flat out was like im sorry he is Not giving. like that is just an annoying toxic skater niceguy blonde. whatever. like do not ever ever ever disrespect butches like that in front of me ever again. and then shes also just sooooo hyper consumerist and like. she brought up the low committment long distance etc joke from barbie and didnt even know it was from barbie and was like haha need me one of those i guess. i was like girl why would you want someone that disrespects u and ur time and uses u like purposefully. that was meant to poke at how toxic men get away with being to girls in modern dating. want better for yourself!!!!! and then i was sooo fucking stoned from a bong rip having the time of my life doing a little bit with the other friend and our buddy on facetime and she just kept going on about this person shes going on a date with except the other friend was like oh! they use they/them pronouns. and she was like right sorry i keep screwing that up!!!!! and then continued to use he/him. so im mostly non verbal cause shes like exhausting just going on and on and im high but i keep trying to be like. yeah they seem cool. hope it goes well with them. like. i felt like i was being microaggressed not necessarily in that instance just as a lesbian. shes bi but very much not past her internalized misogyny and homophobia. clearly. it’s exhausting!!!! im sorry i cant talk about men for that long and then i try to be excited about my attraction too and u get all funky............. like. ok. or making weird comments alluding to me just being wildly sexual abt women. like. yeah ok sure. for sure thats normal. like. this is also the girl whos a marketing major and uses ai all the time and pisses me off with her hella hyper consumerism grindset mentality bc it’s like she always wants us to comment on how productive she is and if i try to nicely be like You should give yourself a break sometimes too! she’ll be like Yeah haha guess im being a bit self destructive. girl it’s not sillyquirky like!!!! we all have our struggles but you gotta work on getting better abt it... and she also just gives ‘haha what drugs were they on thats so crazy’ about like everything i say or like or whatever and its like babe its really not even that crazy like. u are just so boring and you speak solely through references to memes. but you wont even just bring it up and joke about it in the present moment with your friends like. she spent a while finding a screenshot of a tumblr post that i was like haha yeah i saw that! it’s totally - u know whatever. and was not satisfied until she could prove she like saw it idk u get what i mean like. i understand i literally reblogged the post. its a silly little joke yes i relate. say something true and beautiful. idk. thanks if u read this ig i couldnt tell if my one friend was prompting me today to see if i was annoyed last night bc i thought she might also be too (bc it got so awkward silent with her going on and on abt the date and that fucking show and we were all like yeah. mhm. no for sure yeah. like how do u not get self aware idk) but we’ve all spoken abt this girl like shes some saint and ive just kinda been like haha sure... but i dont want her near my work and art and etc cause shes so shallow and has social media brain disease. she freaked out about twitter being weird now and how she prefers threads perhaps. like u have threads??? ok... it was so hard for me to be nice guys

#abby talks

[triciaofsteel]

South Park romance hcs, except I’m Aroace and don’t know the first thing about romance

(this whole thing is a slash jay, also aged up cuz like???? Duh???) edit: bro I started working on this at around 2 am and then I blinked and now it’s 3 am what the scallop

Edit 2: ok cool I just figured out how to put the read more thing that’s pretty nifty

Also sorry if any of these feel ooc it is WAYYY too late for my mind to process anything rn it’s mush these are just the bits and pieces that I’ve picked up from the slop

I only have Kyle, Leslie, Stan, Clyde, Kenny, and Bebe for now but I’ll like.. edit it later I guess, later when I get more brainworms (also totally not self projecting onto them. Yes I know I’m a total loser)

Kyle: ASEXUAL KYLE CANON ASEXUAL KYLE CANON!!! /srs HES LITERALLY ME 

-Has realllyyy big problems with expressing emotions aka feelings in general it’s an autism thing (like Craig) 

-Which also makes him all weird with like physical contact n stuff?? “Get ur dirty paws offa me” typa shit

-ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO STUFF LIKE POKING/PRODDING!! He will probably sucker punch just about anyone who gets close and honestly, not feel sorry about it (I wouldn’t either)

-love language is…. Nothing. Lmao

-jkjk it’s probably some shit like gift giving??? But like, in a different way than you think. Just think about that one “can I just do your laundry someday” scene, but instead of laundry it’s homework. what is that love language called someone please tell me I actually have no idea what I’m talking about.

-he thinks about stuff logically a lot of the time, which is why he’ll like NEVER pick up on any hints whatsoever. 

-the more I write the more I realize I’m making him sound too much like Craig. Uh

-what is love (baby don’t hurt me..)

-if he EVER does confess, (he won’t.) he’ll probably do it in your like, insta/facebook dms, there is NO way this mf is actually gonna ask someone out face to face

-absolutely despises the idea of uhhh. Yknow. Jacking it in San Diego. WHY???? BECAUSE TRANSMASC KYLE!!!!!!! This is actually canon I’m Matt and Trey.

-he will not make exceptions because he’s in love or whatever (he’s not) you still gotta keep up ur side bc he’s not entirely head over heels!!! He’s not!!!(I think he’s learned his lesson from Leslie)

-single kyle: “bro I hate relationships so bad bro couples need to shut up fr”

-double Kyle: “bro I hate relationships so bad bro I need to shut up fr”

-I feel like he’d be the type to not be able to distinguish platonic feelings from romantic feelings. Why? Because me

-you HAVE to be direct with him because he’ll never be able to figure out anything otherwise. Ur sad? Tell him ur sad. Wait actually don’t he has no idea how to comfort ppl

-best he can do is an awkward pat on the back and a mumble “it gets better…?” 💀 or, if he’s pissed, “wtf am I supposed to do abt that”

-if someone confessed to him first, it would probably go something like this

“I love you”

“???? Are you being /srs or /j???”

or

“I love you”

“Wow haha that’s so silly never say that again”

or maybe even just a straight up “ew” 💀

-Cupid (Twin Ver)

Leslie!!!

-Leslie is actually Lesbian + aroace oriented . I don’t make the rules sorry, tho the aroace part is more dominant, it’s more like aroace + lesbian oriented

-similar thing with Kyle, but instead of being rude/straightforward about it, she’ll either gaslight you or do this:

“oh, you love me? That’s so funny!! I do too :3”

“Really?”

“yeah!!!”

“Does that mean we can date???”

“What? No!!! I meant that I also love me.”

“…”

“stupid bitch”

-I love her

-was torn between making her lesbian and making her aroace so fuck it we both

-I think she hates men (I do too /j)

-typa girl to run around breaking people’s hearts for the pure fun of it (Michael Jackson reference???)

-she thinks love is a joke. Like genuinely.

Stan:

-…

-I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to characterize this guy

-he canonically jacks it in San Diego so that’s something I guess

-his dog was gay you guys

-bi

-rly hope ur ok with being vomited on (I am not)

-just think of the PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE thing

-gets rly defensive whenever anyone asks him about Wendy

-responds with 👍 or “k” to confessions

-would probably be a discord kitten for nitro /j

-Cupid (jack stauber)

Clyde:

-This man is ALSO bi

-hey 😏 what’s going on 😏

-love language is giving discord nitro /j

“I love you”

“I’m so sorry bro”

-I saw someone say that being bi and single is like playing on both sides of a sports team and still losing. Yeah that’s him, L rizz 😂😂🤣🤣🤣

-this bitch has both Tinder AND Grinder and still remains lonely

-probably because he starts off EVERY conversation with a terrible ass pick up line

“hey bbg sorry I gave you lice but relationships are all about sharing everything with each other😍😍😍”

-PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE thing, but it’s with EVERYONE

Kenny

-there are two types of people, people who say that Kenny is “the straightest kid in South Park” and people who know the TRUTH

-this man is the biggest slut ever

-wasn’t he a prostitute once

-Relationship red flag: he once ate an entire banana with the peel on during a date. Partner horrified, broke up like a day later

-honestly, there’s not much to say, it’s literally kenny

“what’s your love language”

“money”

“MONEY???? BRO AINT NOBODY SPEAK 💴💴💸💶💶💸💎💎💸💵💷💎💰🪪💰💰💶💳🪪”

(it’s actually physical contact but we don’t talk about that)

Bebe

-I love lesbians!

-omni maybe? (Girl leaning)

-Unfortunately scared of relationship commitment

-I’m pretty sure she’s been hit up on multiple times, every time she ghosts/friend zones them

-Has a long distance relationship with Clyde despite living in the same town??

-would probably leave a guy in a restaurant and make him pay the bill

“damn, look at that ass!! 😍😍”

-I feel like she listens to pinkpantheress and maybe coco and Clair Clair

-love language is shoes

#south park hcs #kyle broflovski #sp kyle #leslie meyers #sp leslie #stan marsh #sp stan #clyde donovan #sp clyde #kenny mccormick #sp kenny #bebe stevens #sp bebe

[n-i-ao]

so about that cod x 7 deadly sins thing >:3

hdjsahdksks yes. Now that I’ve had time to sleep on it, I’ve had ideas.

For everyone else, we briefly talked about 141 as the 7 homunculi from Fullmetal Alchemist. I’ll go in order that you see them in the show. This is all coming from the perspective of a timeline in which Father is never found out?? But never wins?? I guess?? idk man. im just having thoughts. but now writing this out makes me wanna make them all state alchemists...

Later... Later...

Gluttony: Soap

Man's got a voracious appetite. Soap’s got the bottomless stomach and is hungry all the time, but to curb it, he's got an oral fixation in this au. (I love putting that on him) Constantly has something in his mouth: a lollipop, a cigarette, Ghost, Roach, a gag, or a toothpick. As usual, he sticks around with Ghost and Roach a majority of the time.

Lust: Ghost

👏 give 👏 me 👏 Ghost 👏 in 👏 a 👏 deep 👏 v 👏 neck👏 please 👏 and 👏 thank 👏 you 👏 Seducing men and women left and right. Tight clothes. I feel like instead of the extendable finger knives, they can detach and become actual knives. Like the ones Huges uses. Love the idea of Ghost being the embodiment of lust but being at least a little modest with his face and covering it 24/7.

Envy: Roach

Shapeshifting out the wazoo. We don't know what this man looks like and he loves to cause chaos.

Greed: Alejandro

Obvs I make the protective man the protective man. Rudy would def be a part of the chimeras. Maybe like that snake chimera? Either way, Ale would def be the rebel of the homunculi like usual and just keep his little gang to himself.

Sloth: Alex

Unfortunately, I don't have much justification for this one. I needed someone to fill Sloth and Alex seemed appropriate. Instead of the heavy chains around his wrists, both of his legs are heavy weights.

Wrath: Price

Price in an eyepatch. Enough said. I rest my case. jkjkjk Mans was born to take a leadership role. It even makes sense that he would willingly sign up for the trials to become Wrath.

Pride: Gaz

Little shadow man. Fits perfectly into place as Price's adopted son. Powerful af. Would be aged up to at least a teen in this au. Uses his shadows regularly to just move around the Fuhrer's mansion to fuck with the staff there. If capable, sadistic little shit (affectionate).

Bonus Father: Laswell

Someone's gotta be in charge. That and imagining Laswell in the draping white sheets makes me even more of a lesbian than I already am. All Powerful and Sexy. Just like how I like my women.

#yummy brainworms #cod #cod au #cod mw2 #gaz mw2 #kyle gaz garrick #captain price #captain john price #john soap mactavish #soap cod #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #call of duty laswell #alejandro cod #rudy mw2 #gary roach sanderson #roach cod #alex keller #alex cod

[katyspersonal]

Also I kind of need to get something off my chest regarding queer headcanons and alike because it’s been bothering me (and I need to talk about something light instead, considering... my current life lol)

I used to feel kinda attacked when people put lesbian headcanon on female characters that were attracted to a man in canon, but I feel like I allowed intention they give off to get to me, because most people /I’ve/ personally seen doing this are like, legitimate man-haters, and just hate attraction to men as a concept, and believe lesbian love is always healthy and hetero love is always man abusing a woman. But like... not only surely not everyone is like this, but also objectively this concept is not bad?

But like, it is actually even simpler? Being LGBTQ+ is supposed to be about continuous self-discovery? Like you coulda been bi before and then find you changed into gay, you coulda been asexual but then at some point in life you started feeling sexual attraction, also you can identify as different gender later in life. So why it should be solid in fiction? Art imitates life, so characters can change over time too like people. It is just not fixed in time and can change back and forth, and we already have it hard enough feeling like we “”“betrayed”““ our “““community”““ if our feelings or identity change.

Besides, why only have single interpretation as a ‘brand’ one should uphold for the rest of their life? I talk a lot about how it is absurd that once someone picks a queer headcanon for a character, it is as if they sign a ‘contract’ and are not allowed to ever retract this when changing opinion over time exist? My friend also admitted to me she views a female character she likes as bi or lesbian depending on what version she feels in the mood for at the time, and that’s valid. I myself have my bi feels swing from ‘wow I must actually be a lesbian and all my crushes on men were wishful thinking??’ and ‘wow my attraction to men is more intense, could I be a confused het??’

And there are characters who are so fake and shallow in seeking someone of opposite gender to date that it feels like comphet? (Makes me think of Mabel Pines from Gravity Falls that clearly just wanted a boy just to have a boy and “crushed” on every guy, unlike Dipper who had more deep and legit crush on a girl. Yet the moment Gideon (a cute and funny and rich and popular boy, well, that was his exterior, remember) approached her with serious intent, she back-pedalled? She always felt for me like either a lesbian or aro who just grew obsessed with idea of finding a cool boyfriend because her femininity is over the roof, and a girl ‘gotta’ have boyfriend, right...? right?..)

Like, in either case I make the same mistake over and over and don’t seem to learn - I attack the objectively harmless, even valid concept, just because I let people who used it for hate and spite get to me. Just better to let this go, I guess.

#personal #fandomry rambles #i know it doesn't feel like very important topic probably but like #for someone who says 'people can change' and 'you don't have to choose only one' a lot i've commited hypocricy #i just focus on evil people too much to the point it makes me attack an okay concepts #when something objectively being fine should be a deal-breaker + i might hurt people who are good with this attitude someday

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

For the first time since I was a kid, I’ve been watching “The Sandbaggers”, a late 1970s UK spy series of the Le Carré school**. I remembered my family finding it brilliant but bleak. Yeah, that’s about right!

You know though, I didn’t remember the treatment of female spy in the first season.

Obviously I remember her, since as a little girl I noticed whenever girls got to take an active part in such stories. In fact the one episode I remember vividly tragically involves her. Knowing what is coming is a shadow I didn’t deal with the first time.

Because it was the 1970s the fact a woman is an agent being an issue was to be expected, but what startles me is the focus. Both where she was training and now in her new job, her sexuality is very much the topic of much speculation and rumor. Apparently not being overtly sexually available has made everyone debate whether she is a lesbian or “frigid”!

Ok, so she isn’t fooling around in training or on the job…so? Are they equally concerned about whether the men are having casual sex? Why should her not being involved with coworkers mean that everyone starts making assumptions?

Anyway, sparks fly between her and the lead protagonist***….her boss. Yes, we are talking the beginnings of a romance with the boss. A boss that then goes to the in house shrink that reviewed her for the job, and demands the doc answer all his questions about her sexual “problems” and sexual history!!

Geez!

But still' gotta admit…credible. Especially in the context of the times.

When I was young none of that made an impression. Maybe it was because I was young, or maybe it just was the culture of the times. Whatever, the wrongness of a boss getting involved with someone he controls the very life of, AND everyone finding a woman not having a love life a cause for consternation doesn’t seem to have occurred to me.

Anyway, I don’t think this stuff will be an issue after the next episode. Errr…that’s sort of spoiler I guess. With only three agents at a time in the division, being made in the late seventies and trying to be realistic, and only about 13 more episodes…women end up being thin on the ground. (I think. It’s been a long, long time.)

It’s still a very good (in a depressing sense! LOL) vintage spy series.

**I usually think that spy fiction exists on a Bond-Le Carré spectrum. Le Carré tries to be realistic, with office combat that treats human lives as pawns, while Bond goes for heroic action fantasy.

*** Protagonist instead of hero. This kind of spy fiction doesn’t do heroes, and in his case that’s especially so. Seriously. See what boss does when one of his agents, traumatized by having to kill a colleague, announces he is going to quit and get married. YIKES!! It’s bad guy territory.

#television #the sandbaggers #sandbaggers

[rosymorns]

i’ve been thinking lately. like. whether i might just be a lesbian. bc i see a lot of lesbians talking about how they initially identified as bi because they were attracted to fictional men, but never men in real life, and that’s pretty true for me. 

but i just realized while i was pondering my orb (taking a shower) that it isn’t that i’m not attracted to men, it’s just that i’m afraid of them. there are men who seem exceptionally kind who i am attracted to, in real life. 

and i think that’s very related to growing up fat n ugly. being taught structurally “your entire life should revolve around wanting men to find you attractive” and “you are the exact opposite of what men find attractive and no man will love you as you are” never did what i think it’s supposed to do, which is make being thin and beautiful something i aspire to, but rather made me. idk. give up i guess? like i just went “ok, men will never be attracted to me, i’m going to remove the possibility of a man being attracted to me from my worldview”

whereas. yes there are Extremely cruel and fatphobic lesbians in the world. but you meet sapphic women and you see that they’re obviously not trying to be attractive to men. you see fat women and butch women and women with all kinds of features and behaviors that are taught as unattractive 2 menz and they fall in love with each other and so it just kind of became a fact of life that. men cannot and will not be attracted to you, but women can be. 

and the fact that “who i want” is “whoever wants me” is something else entirely that i don’t have the energy to lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about thanks

anyway. pairing that foundation w like. a middle school’s worth of being asked out as a joke and half a high school’s worth of older boys standing near my locker specifically to make fun of my body = men will not only not be attracted to you, but they will be cruel about it. 

has led to me being not just not considering men as potential partners but being actively anxious about ever feeling attracted to a man, because if he somehow found out, he would be disgusted. 

anyway i don’t know what this means or how to fix it. i’m just not in therapy anymore so someone’s gotta hear about this shit. 

#just me talking about being fat and gay! #carly.txt

[bestnoncannonship]

I'm drowning in the gender sandbox guys.

I am agender. At least....I think I am. It's the closest to what I'm feeling. In that I really do not have an attachment to any gender and cannot conceive how people identify with a gender. Like....they just FEEL a gender? All the time? No matter what they look like and what they're wearing they FEEL a gender?? Whaaaa??? Sounds hella fake but okay.

And now I'm gonna talk about that and my experience for a while, in a series of ways that's probably gonna get the gender and sexuality neo-puritans to come yell at me for not being ritually pure enough in the way I talk but.....I'm talking from my own brain, baby. This is the toolkit I'm packing right now and the world I live in and I just need to spit it out. Maybe see if it resonates with people who know more than me. I don't know. Help.

I didn't question being a woman for the longest time. I grew up in a rural area culturally dominated by "Christians" (Not Catholics. I was Catholic. That comes with a whole different set of religious traumas pre-installed. I mean the ScAaRy protestent and nondenom Christians.) You didn't question anything. Not an adults orders. Not authority. Certainly not straightness. Gender was biological. I'd never heard of a trans person. There were rumors of Gays™. For most of my life it was just "Gender is the meat suit you got stuck with, right? I got stuck with this meat suit so it's my gender, I guess." And when I finally left the middle-o-nowhere for Le Citè and I met some (mostly bianary) trans people I was like "OH! OKAY!! Having strong feelings about being in the wrong meat suit can make a gender!" And the non bianaries that I met were still playing on that bianary scale. The "bit of boths" and the "different genders for different days" varieties. They has strange attachments to genders. And the whole retoric of "Questioning your gender and feeling things about you gender is the indicator that you might be trans!!" Just furthered my feeling that I must just be female by default cause like.....I didn't question anything. I didn't think about gender. I had a COMPLETE lack of feelings about gender whatsoever and that was normal, right?? Just meat suit gender. I certainly didn't have a strong feeling about wanting to be the opposite: *gag* a man?? A straight white man? Nope! I have no desire to be a bianary man and frankly I find 99 percent of men and male culture traumatic. So I must just be meat-suit gender.

And yes, I wanted to scrape my breasts and hips and thighs off with a cheese grater. But I wrote that off as a symptom of having started putting a finger down my throat after meals when I was 6 and having a family that forced hour upon hour exercise with their thighs and tummies wrapped in saran wrap and sang "I don't love her! She's too fat for me!" to a literal toddler and put that same toddler in oversized clothes to hide the healthy baby squish that toddlers HAVE. OF COURSE I wanted to die when my breasts grew in and my hips and thighs filled out. They were evil fat deposits. And they meant nothing but unwanted attention from yucky men. (Lesbianism to be discovered some 15 years later. My comphets we're almost as bad as my compgenders.) It had nothing to do with gender. Gender is just the meat suit ....and I already hated the meat suit by the time I had breast buds, they just enhanced a disgust that I thought was normal by then. Everyone kind of hates their meat suit, right?? Yes I wanted to look like men sometimes.....but they were skinny heroin chic men. I also wanted to look like kate moss. I wanted to look like a sideways door but my family is Italian and we have hips and thighs. It's just the meat suit I was assigned. Just have to learn to deal with it and dress it in the way that it looks most socially acceptable and get on with life. And my meat suit had a very gendered look, even in the deepest throws of my illness. "All woman." "The curves of a real woman." So that was just the hand I was dealt. Like having a hard to match foundation undertone. You don't gotta like it, it's just reality. Yes, I wanted to wear nothing but waistcoats and gay vampire clothes but they weren't cut for my body type so *shrug*.

Did I start to have way too much fun cosplaying and embodying male characters? Yes. But that was just identifying with characters. I'd always identified with characters. Did I still distinctly identify with the character's gender, even when I femmed the costume to avoid the hellish pain of binding? Yes. Did it make me feel weird when people referred to my Thor as a woman, even though it was technically a femme? Yes. But that was just feminism. Heroes don't need to be called girl heroes. No gender issues here!! Besides it's not weird in fandom circles to stongly identify with people across gender lines. The fact that I found the gendernope option if there was one available in the fandom and *attached* was surely just coincidental. Right??

Did I absolutely loose my mcfreaking mind when the gyno started talking about having to take my uterus away because the amount of blood it was loosing was doing irreparable harm to my body? Yes. My gender is my meat suit. When you take it away....what am I???? A *gag* man??? Nothing at all?? Am I still even human?? If I am not *gag* male and you take away the female part of the meat suit am I an aphid? A plant? A chair? But I was comforted by a chorus of voices saying "No!! You're a WOMAN. Infertility doesn't make you not a woman! You still have a woman's body!! Because you're a woman!!! Just look at you in your skirts and with your long hair!! You're a woman!!!" So.....still a woman, I guess. Because I still LOOKED like one. Gender = the PRESENTATION of the meat suit. That made sense. The structure of my meat suit made me limited to woman-presentation. So I was woman.

Then, it was the stupidest thing, I was talking to the other half of my life on the 4/5 train on the way to a friend's house about HER issues with gender presentation and the amount of attention to detail it takes to be socially acceptable as female and she said "You just know you're a girl. Like if they just picked you up and put you in a robot body you'd be a girl?" And I was like "......no? I'd be a robot?????" "But you'd still feel like a girl???" "No.....I'd feel like a ROBOT." "BUT you'd still like hear she/her and identify with those???" "No. I'd probably identify more with It/it's because that's what I'd be. A ROBOT!" And she's like "But what if your brain got transplanted into a boy body???" "Then I'd be a boy." "But what would you feel like?" "A BOY?" "Okay but what if you had a very neutral body with like no genitals? What would you feel like then??" "I mean....then it would depend on how I'm dressed. I'd feel like what I was dressed like." And we went around like this till she surmised that my entire relationship to gender was basically "You are what you look like." Which is apparently NOT how people relate to their own gender. They "feel" it somehow?? (I genuinely thought "FEELING" like a gender was what made trans people.) I feel nothing. I identify with a lot of things and ZERO of them are a gender. I thought that was normal. I thought that was the default. Apparently it's not. And then if you ask me what I want to be.....I can't answer. I really don't want to be a gender. I guess I want to be able to put different genders on at my will, like outfits, for societal convenience. But I don't "identify" with any of them. Hell, I have sweaters I identify with more than any particular gender. But there aren't really systems in place for describing and portraying that.

Gender.exe was not installed.

I did a lot of research. Agender felt closest. I actually felt closest to a Good Omens meme about Aziraphale describing his gender as "No, thank you!" That's what I feel like. But all the agender folks were vibing that moment. So I joined 'em. I am aware that puts me under the trans umbrella, but I don't really identify with that word. I don't feel like there's any transition. Any changing. Can't change what was never there. Also I feel like it's for people who....CAN present as their gender. I would be seen as an invader in those spaces. Its not bad enough to justify being in those spaces. I can live with being gendered. I just don't have one.

In the society we live in one cannot present as "not a gender". Someone with MY body definitely cannot present as "not a gender". The clothes that they make in size "giant human with planet tits" are agressively gendered. And even in a binder.....they're still REALLY there. (Yes, a reduction is desirable but I don't have reduction money.....and you can't reduce the fact that I'm the bowl shaped robust extreme female hipbone they use in Forensic Anthropology textbooks.) It is what it is. My body will always be perceived the way it's perceived. And frankly a lot of what we perceive as genderless is just "skinny body in masc style with short hair and makeup". That's not really want I want. I don't want to cut off my hair. It's my one really good feature and I've worked hard to grow out these Valkyrie worthy lengths. Mens clothes are so limiting. And there are no gender: no thank you clothes. (One well meaning friend kept trying to send me "genderless" clothes......but it was all rail thin afabs in mens clothes with short hair and heavy makeup. That's not looking genderless. That's just being skinny.) Gender no thank you presentation is very tied to short hair and thin bodies. So I've accepted that I don't get to play in the gender sandbox outside of the privacy of my own mind. It's a societal flaw. But whatever.

But pronouns are starting to really bother me. Everyone is so into them and identifying with them. And like.....I don't get it. I don't get the joy. I don't think I've found the one. Like.....I'm used to she. I will always be read as she. I will always be Miss and Ma'am in stores and restraunts. So I just kind of roll with it. I don't hate it. I don't like it. It's just a thing that I have to have to exist in society. Like a social security number. I actually think I identify with my social security number more. There's no point in making myself uncomfortable with something that's just going to be a part of my life. And I don't want to be the kind of person who expects people to address me by a pronoun they can't see and aren't used to. It's too much to ask of the average citizen of a gendered society to go through that much gender theory for just me. So "she" is an inevitable part of my life. And He....well ......I don't hate it. I dont like it. It's just there. I certainly don't get called it. And I'm not capable of presenting it well enough for this to be relevant. Now they......fuck I HATE they. I hate that it's the acceptable pronoun for anyone not bianary male or female. It just rubs me the wrong way. When people refer to me as they, I feel like they're referring to me and the host of mental illnesses I carry around and you don't have permission to address those troops thank you very much. They causes a genuine squick. But it's kinda the only widely acceptable option. I kinda like "it". I VIBE with it. It feels good. Unfortunately the people in my life have a certain reluctance about calling me it as they believe that happy vibe around a traditionally dehumanizing pronoun may be a trauma symptom. They might be right so I'm tabling "it" till I find a good therapist. Also...I cannot ask strangers to call me it. I don't have the confidence it takes to explain why and I frankly don't want to be faced with the criticism and questions I would face because I am unable to make my body be perceived as Nonbinary. I don't have the confidence or conviction to face that every day forever. Ditto neopronouns. I also haven't found one that I vibe with at all yet.

And queer labels get harder when you pull away from gender entirely. Like ... I am a Lesbian. I am solely attracted to women. But now I'm getting a lot of "You can't be a lesbian if you don't have a gender!!!" And like ...can I??? I like being a lesbian. It feels right. It conveys what I want it to convey. I like the exclusion of men entirely, after being taught to structure my life around men. I have a kinship with womanhood. It's where I was raised. It's how people see me. I just don't identify with it. It's not how I see myself. I guess that can kind of exclude me from the label? All of our terms are defined by being attracted to "your own gender" or "the opposite gender" or "both your own gender and other genders" and like ... I don't have a gender. And the opposite of nothing is....?? Fuck if I know? So what term am I allowed to use? I love queer for exactly this reason. But it just doesn't have the same clarity that lesbian does.

So I'm just kind of in a hole rn. Grappling with the fact that I really don't have a gender in a gendered world, and dealing with the fact that so much of our understanding and acceptance of gender is about presentation, a door closed to my body. I don't have the confidence or the spoons or the knowledge or the experience to fight this fight. The path of least resistance is sticking my head back into the sand and going with straightforward womanhood....but now it feels like I'm lying. I feel like an intruder in woman's spaces. And I can't go in men's spaces, they see me as....well...a woman. Lesser.

Someone out there who's better at the genders please help.

#agender #gender crisis #gender identity #gender problems #pronouns #nonbinary #enby #nb #non bianry #agender lesbian #nonbinary lesbian

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from the "American Psycho" film (trigger heavy)

"God, I hate this place. It's a chick's restaurant."

"Are you freebasing or what ?"

"They don't have a good bathroom to do coke in."

"You're a fucking ugly bitch. I wanna stab you to death and play around with your blood."

"I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine."

"I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older."

"And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and may be you can even sense our life styles are probably comparable, I simply am not there."

"Don't wear that outfit again."

"Come on. You're prettier than that."

"You don't like this, I take it."

"Do you know anything about Sri Lanka ?"

"This is crazy ! You're a fool.

"I mean, can you talk to these people or something ? I'm not getting anywhere.

"You're fucking me, and we haven't made plans."

"I'm on a lot of lithium."

"What could you possibly be up to tonight ?"

"Wear something fabulous."

"I just want a child."

"How on Earth did you get a reservation there ?"

"It looks so soft."

"Impressive. Very nice."

"You're sweating."

"Why don't you get a job ?"

"You got a negative attitude. That's what's stopping you."

"You gotta get your act together. I'll help you."

"You reek of shit. Do you know that ?"

"I don't have anything in common with you."

"I have all the characteristics of a human being-- flesh, blood, skin, hair-- but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust."

"Something horrible is happening inside of me, and I don't know why."

"My nightly bloodlust has overflowed into my days."

"I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy."

"I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."

"Mistletoe alert."

"It's a Vietnamese potbellied pig. They make darling pets."

"How you been ? Workaholic, I suppose ? Haven't seen you in a while."

"I like to dissect girls."

"Did you know I'm utterly insane ?"

"I've got a tanning bed at home. You should look into it."

"Do you have a dog ? A little chow or something ?"

"He was completely naked and standing up on the table."

"Where do I send the bastard ?"

"I hope I'm not being cross-examined here."

"It's just strange. One day, someone's walking around, to work, alive, and then-- Nothing. People just disappear."

"That's a very fine chardonnay you're drinking."

"You have a very nice body."

"Not quite blonde, are you ? More dirty blonde."

"Don't you wanna know what I do ?"

"How much did you pay for it ?"

"I don't want you to get drunk, but that's a very fine chardonnay you're not drinking."

"It was too artsy, too intellectual."

"You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument."

"Look at the camera."

"If they have a good personality and they are not great looking, then who fucking cares ?"

"There are no girls with good personalities."

"A good personality consists of a chick with a little hard body who will satisfy all sexual demands without being too slutty about things and who will essentially keep her dumb fucking mouth shut."

"The only girls with good personalities, who are smart or maybe funny or halfway intelligent or talented-- though God knows what the fuck that means-- are ugly chicks."

"Listen, what about dinner ?"

"I've seen you looking at me. I've noticed your hot body. Don't be shy."

"I've gotta return some video tapes."

"I never knew you smoked."

"I'm not sure, but I don't think dyslexia is a virus."

"It's a fucking milligram of sweetener. I wanna get high off this, not sprinkle it on my fucking oatmeal."

"Can you keep it down ? I'm trying to do drugs."

"Sorry, dude. Steroids."

"I'm into, uh, well, murders and executions, mostly."

"So, where do you work out ?"

"You think I'm dumb, don't you ?"

"There's something sweet about you."

"Would you like to accompany me to dinner ? That is, if you're not doing anything."

"Let's not think about what I want. How about anywhere you want ?"

"You look great. Very fit."

"You can always be thinner, look better."

"What do you really wanna do with your life ? Just briefly, summarize. And don't tell me you enjoy working with children, okay ?"

"Well, I'd like to travel and maybe go back to school, but I don't really know. I'm at a point in my life where there seems to be so many possibilities, but I'm-- I don't know-- I'm just so unsure."

"Do you have a boyfriend ? "

"Are you seeing anyone ? I mean, seriously ?"

"It's me. Don't try to hide."

"I know I have a tendency to get involved with unavailable men."

"I think if you stay, something bad will happen. I think I might hurt you. You don't wanna get hurt, do you ?"

"I don't wanna get bruised."

"I'm not so sure about this. I had to go to Emergency after last time."

"This won't be anything like last time. I promise."

"This is nicer than your other apartment."

"If you had a platinum card, she'd give you a blowjob."

"Do you have any coke ? Or Halcyon ?"

"Let's not get lewd. I'm in no mood for a lewd conversation."

"Are you telling me you've never gotten it on with a girl?"

"No. I'm not a lesbian. Why would you think I would be into that ?"

"You're making me feel weird."

"You actually listen to Whitney Houston ?"

"Not the face!"

"My need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale cannot be corrected, but I have no other way to fulfill my needs."

"You're inhuman."

"I'm in touch with humanity."

"I know my behavior can be erratic sometimes."

"What do you want me to do ? What is it that you want ?"

"If you really wanna do something for me, then stop making this scene right now."

"I'm leaving. I've assessed the situation, and I'm going."

"Drop the weapon ! Drop it now !"

"I guess I've killed maybe... 20 people."

"I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little."

"I just had to kill a lot of people !"

"I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it... this time."

"I mean, I guess I'm a pretty sick guy."

"I think you should go now."

"What did you say, you dumb bitch ?"

"Stop sounding so fucking sad."

"I'm not going anywhere unless we have a reservation."

"Keep your shirt on. Maybe lose the suspenders."

"Just fucking call them. Give me the phone. I'll do it."

"Such a boring, spineless lightweight."

"Now, where do we have reservations at ?"

"What are you so fucking zany about ?"

"I'm just a happy camper!"

"I need a scotch."

"All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused, and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed."

"My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape."

"My punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself."

"This confession has meant... nothing."

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay starters #roleplay meme #roleplay memes #american psycho

[bae-science]

it’s t-t-t-t-time for another newt bae-science fic rec extravabonanza! same rules, same boys, same bullshit! let’s get into it:

a beginning; a second chance by @dykesword

other newt and i have a long and intricate ritualistic battle to become the alpha newt, but i gotta give credit where it’s due. if you like to annotate your books for fun, this fic will give you a looooong comment you’ll want to write, and for good reason! there’s a lot of really well done metaphor and character detail in here, while still keeping a very soft, melancholy but with a hopeful edge tone. and also, like, the care and detail in which newt’s mental state in the aftermath of the precursors’ abuse is depicted is so so good, and delightful to read

husbandly duties by @kingeiszler

i am soooo biased with this one bc technically it was made for me but GODDAMN it’s good. this shit has everything: gottlieb trio sibling dynamics, vanessa in giant femme earrings, hermann yearning, newt and karla infodumping together, newt’s terrible and accurate gaydar, gay crime, the newmann dynamic and why it works boiled down to its bare essentials, pride and prejudice glasses touch, and neon green acrylics. required reading for the vanessaverse

Say That Again by @robertfrobisherslover

WOOF. if you like mutual pining and lack of communication from men with rocks for their emotional processing centers, and guncle (gay uncle) newt and hermann and KILLER artsy sex scenes, and themes of words unsaid in a story about LANGUAGE..... oogoogogoogouhufug. the writing style is clear and well paced, i LOVE little mako’s scene she’s such a cutie, and there’s like. a line. that’s a play on the whole “it’s always been you” trope. that lives in my mind rent free forever.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by @thekaidonovskys

i’m just gonna paste the comment i left on it here, because that sums up what is so absolutely incredible about this fic the best:

so sometimes you stumble on a piece of fiction that you add to your little collection of stuff you would show a person if you wanted them to understand a part of you that you can't quite explain eloquently, or it would take too long, etc etc, and i've never really found something like that for my autism until now, which, like, poggers. and i'll be as straight up as i can while still being the biggest lesbian in the great state of ohio (not a hard feat but alan invented computers so i love continuing on the autistic tradition of being a living miracle), the chameleon effect hit me like a mack truck. catholic school in the deep south is the most potent and effective form of ABA therapy imaginable :/. so sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i didn't have such a strong ability to pass, and here's where we finally get to the part of this comment where i just vomit compliments at you: you nailed it. you got it. i don't know if you're on the spectrum, but either way, well fucking done. trauma therapy research talks a lot about healing fantasies, which are fantasies, usually in the form of daydreams, that abused/neglected/traumatized/etc people create that directly address a struggle they have and take the form of a scenario in which that struggle is helped in some way. it could be an abusive parent repenting and showering them with the love they never had, or someone finding them during a panic attack and somehow knowing how best to comfort them without having to ask, or being intimate with someone and having a scar or physical deformity they've been shamed for be given attention and care. and i think you have created the ultimate perfect healing fantasy for autistic people, or at least those with """"high functioning"""" autism. it has a character who is visibly and undeniably on the spectrum having the pain and trauma going through life like that causes being acknowledged and validated, they are purposefully paid attention to because person b genuinely likes them and wants to understand and respect who they are and how they function in the world, and thus get The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known as well as the eventual rewards of being loved, person b makes a genuine effort to help teach them social skills in a way they can understand and learn through and is there for them when these skills are being practiced, their space and boundaries are respected but they aren't infantilized or thought of as an emotionless robot, and they receive love and comfort on their own terms not despite of but because of who they are, even specifically being asked not to change the way they are because that way is lovable. they are openly desired. writing is my fucking JOB and it's still difficult to put into words how much you got 100000% right about the dream with this fic. i have been in the EXACT and i mean EXACT same situation as hermann when he asked newt if it was his personality itself that made people not like him, because i deadass made a spreadsheet of all my personality attributes i thought could be preventing me from making friends in college, and then asked my fellow nd friend to see if there was anything i was missing. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that this amazing, and i'm bookmarking it and putting it on my next fic rec post, and maybe one day way way in the future if i ever get a partner i want to explain the whole autism thing to, i'm gonna have them read this.

The Facts With Newton Geiszler, PhD by what_alchemy (NSFW)

storytime: i read this fic a few years ago, completely forgot the title and author, and ended up thinking about the part where hermann admits to having fucked a trailer hitch when he was a teenager, at least once a week. last november, i say to my friend samara on twitter, head of the BSHCU (buttslut hermann cinematic universe), hey this seems like something you’d have read, do you remember a fic where... and samara says FUCK i do know what you’re talking about lemme find it. so if the fact that i have been looking for this fic for like, two years, and that it contains a moment so iconic all i had to say is, “hermann says he fucked a trailer hitch” and she IMMEDIATELY knew what i was talking about, does not convince you to read this... go back to catholic school i guess.

Feeling Blue by TempusPetrichor

fics where newt goes back to work as a biologist, especially a xenobiologist, post pru are really interesting, and usually have something neat to say about recovery, how it isn’t linear, how it often involves us returning to things we love for comfort, etc. this one sure does! some good emotional and physical h/c, LOVE the use of the ghost drift, and it’s always fun to see post pru fics use dialogue very obviously taken from dbt, trauma-specific therapeutical texts, and anything that shows the author has experience with, or did their research on, ptsd therapies.

You’re Everyone That Ever Cared by KlavierWrites

you know a fic is good when it’s an only 9k slowburn and still manages to reach infinite regress levels of are you fucking KIDDING GO TO THERAPY. newt “acts of service” geiszler may have a little misplaced misogyny due to his broken woman-centric gaydar. as a treat. the fucking. post-drift scene where hermann subtextually screams “LOOK IN OUR BRAINS YOU FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU I JUST HAVE AUTISM AND CAREER IN STEM DISORDER” is soooooo. god just hermann in general in that scene is great. if you like classic mid 2010s era newmann, ghost drift romance, and good ole mutual pining, this is a treat.

Baby, You're Hotter than my Bunsen Burner by SkySongMA

moronosexual hermann representation is something that can actually be so personal

Times of Stress by RadioMoth

the boys are processinggggggg. man what a good, quick and powerful punch to the gut. if you like post-pr1 catharsis and physical h/c, AND are the one friend that likes to comment at the end of the movie that hey newt got beat the fuck UP, check this one out.

black tea by @faggotcas

okay first of all, god fucking tier url, lee. second of all, food as a love language is my SHIT. i love the very slow relationship development here, where you see them making a genuine effort to get along and that in turn leading to feelings reigniting. it’s such a sweet little moment of a fic, with a nice atmosphere and tone to fit it

now here’s the part where i usually drop my latest fic, but i haven’t written one this month because i’ve been busy launching an audio drama! you can find it here, it’ll be right up your alley if you like cryptids and gay scientists and enemies to lovers and good ole americana, but since this is a newmann post, i’m gonna recommend the pacific rim audio drama duology i did a while back! part one is called conversations from the brink, and it’s a little slice of the pr3 we better fucking get from streaming that godawful looking anime. love and lesbians to everyone ❤️

#pacific rim #pac rim #mine #newmann #pacific rim uprising #fic rec

[deafwestnewsies]

be my first last kiss

You can plan on a change in the weather or time, but you'd never planned on him changing his mind.

jack kelly x davey jacobs

read it on my ao3!

Earnest to goodness, Jack Kelly was going to murder Racetrack Higgins.

No, Anthony Higgins, this was the sort of thing that makes you pull out the tarnished christian name of a friend (or so you thought) you’ve known since he was toppling over on baby-fattened legs. Anthony Higgins would die by the sword of Jack Kelly.

He just had to get this godforsaken Youtube video filmed first.

You’re doing this for the cash, Jack grumbled to himself as he passed through the metal doors of a nondescript building on the Lower East Side- it was the kind of place being slowly taken over by hip and fun corporations promising Asian-fusion bars and eco-friendly thrift stores while edging out the relic businesses built on the backs of immigrant dreams. Jack couldn’t stand areas like this, the air thick with wasted luxury, so he rarely left the barrio. Why would he? Spot Conlon slept in the bedroom next to his. Katherine Plumber and Sarah Jacobs ran the bookstore that bought his baked goods and sold them for decent money. Medda lived down the street with her plethora of children, and Racetrack still beat the known path, doing tricks on the street corner for spare change and internet views. Davey- David. David Jacobs wasn’t there. It was right where Jack wanted to be.

Much unlike the dim studio where he now shuffled his feet, waiting for the perky young PA with bright red streaks in her hair to come back with further information about the video he would be shooting. Jack wasn’t a stranger to this small production company; He participated in a few Youtube videos back before they had millions of subscribers, he played truth or dare with lots of liquor and a complete stranger, he confessed about the first time he fell in love so it could be put to pathetic music.

Cash where you could get it, right?

“Kelly, right?” Cherry Streaks was back with a vengeance.

“Jack, actually,” he corrected.

“So you’re going to stand over there where the little blue X marks the spot and wait until the producer, Adam, starts asking you a few questions. The first one might be a test for our boom guy. Answer honestly, we can pretty much tell when you’re making up a story by this point. After that, the main part of the video will begin. Got it?” She was pointing wildly with a Number 2 pencil that had previously been stuck through her ponytail, and she smelled faintly of jasmine. Jack felt dizzy.

“Wait, I thought this was one of those ‘Choose who’s the best kisser out of ten strangers’ type of deal?” I mean, that’s what Race told me- oh God. Oh Santa Maria. Oh Saint Francis.

The young woman smiled like she was keeping an excellent secret. “Have fun, Jack Kelly.”

Walking off at her ominous dismissal, Jack stood where he was directed. The fluorescent lighting made him sweat under the knowledge that he had virtually no idea what he was doing there, Race had lied to him so that he would participate in some sort of sick, horrible scheme, and for all he knew, behind door number three could be his third grade teacher with a baseball bat and a basic multiplication grudge.

“Jack! It’s nice to see you again.”

Romeo was walking towards him with that easy gait Jack had memorized so long ago- Romeo had shot the original videos on an Amazon tripod and the unfounded hope of human connection, and now he owned the entire shebang. Jack dropped his tense shoulders to give him a warm smile. “Romeo. Boy, am I glad to see a friendly face.” Jack lowered his voice to a stage whisper. “You’ve got a production assistant who actually does work, so I’m assuming we’ve died and you earned a really nice deal in Heaven?”

Romeo barked out a laugh. “If I’ve died, do not resuscitate. I’ll never be able to look at another bodega meatball sub after cooking food bought in a real grocery store.”

“Rub it in, why don’tcha?” Jack punched the shorter man on the shoulder. “Listen, Romeo, you gotta tell me what I’m in for, a buddy totally sold me out for the cash and I have no clue what this project is gonna be like.”

Before Romeo could respond, a tall, lofty man behind the camera cleared his throat. “Darling? We’re ready to begin when you are.”

“Jack, meet Specs. Or Adam, but we all know how well nicknames stick. Specs, this is the old friend I was telling you about.” Romeo ended right above Specs’ elbow, and it was all Jack could do not to laugh.

The man fixed his thoughtful gaze on him. “It’s nice to meet you, Jack. You’ve got a real presence on the camera. Have you ever considered acting?”

“I’m afraid I’m, uh,” Jack flexed a paint-stained hand. “Strictly canvas, as they say.”

Nodding as if that was a phrase people commonly used and not something Jack invented on the fly, Specs then clapped his hands together. “Folks, let’s film this sonofabitch.”

---

“I’m Jack, and I’m a twenty-four year old artist living in New York City.”

“Have you ever been in a relationship?” Specs questioned from behind the camera.

Jack blinked in surprise. “Sure. One throughout high school, another in college and a little bit beyond. I wouldn’t call myself a heartbreaker or anything.”

“Do you stay friends with your exes?”

“One of ‘em, yea. It was more of an amicable thing, you know. She ended up being a lesbian. And I am… not.” His clumsy fingers tugged at a constricting collar.

“And the other?”

“Just because I’m not a heartbreaker doesn’t mean I can’t be a real asshole sometimes,” Jack nervously chuckled. (Davey had laid out rose petals, for God’s sake. Rose petals.)

“Was this girl the high school girlfriend, or the college one?”

“Boy,” Jack quickly corrected. “Man. I guess. He was in college- four and a half years.” (It took him four days to clear away the rotting flowers, the bleeding color slowly seeping into his carpet. Katherine found him delirious with whiskey on the bathroom floor; Sarah couldn’t bear to walk through his front door.)

“How’d you meet him?”

(He twisted in his high-backed blue chair. “It’s habláis in el presente.”) “Freshman year of high school actually. Spanish class. Funny story, actually, that other girl I dated? His sister. Broke her heart for his. He was so mad at me that we didn’t talk for like, months after.”

“It was six and a half months, actually.”

Of things Jack was expecting to see today, Spiderman was more likely than David. A flash mob singing death metal, maybe. Pigs flying through the polluted air.

“I was told to come in. I now see why.” David’s eyes narrowed behind his thin wire frames, different from the heavy Ray-Bans that he had dedicated himself to sophomore year of high school. Jack hated that he looked older, wiser, and all around… better.

Specs cleared his throat before the bewildered set of men (one more angry than the other, both desperately avoiding eye contact) could demand what sort of sick joke this was. “Can you introduce yourself?”

They broke up on a Tuesday, an insignificant, momentary Tuesday. Fourteen months ago. (Yes, fourteen months, like their terrible split was a baby that Jack was nurturing bit by bit. He refused to round down- fourteen months ago, he left David Jacobs.) So when David ran his thumb across his jawline, a nervous tick older than his younger brother, Jack couldn’t fathom why he felt so relieved. Some things never did change. “David. Jacobs.” David’s jaw flexed as he looked into the camera. “I dated Jack for almost five years.”

“Tell us about your other relationships.”

“Unfortunately, I spent the better part of high school and college pining after a total cocksock. Not a whole lot of time for casual dating in between.”

A deep silence permeated the studio as two boom mic operators swapped awkward glances. Jack didn’t attempt to defend himself- he was sort of a cocksock. David Jacobs had asked him to uproot what little life he had in New York and move to Santa Fe for a prestigious, so-accolated-you-could-cry medical school, and Jack Kelly broke up with him over containers of kung pao chicken and scattered rose petals. He was a cocksock, a dickhead, and complete asshole. An ex-boyfriend of mass proportions.

“Okay, so.” Specs was wiping at his glasses with the tail of his shirt. Jack wanted to snap them in half. “Today’s video is entitled ‘Exes kiss for the first time since their breakup’. If you need more explanation…”

“I think we’ve got it.” David snapped, clenching his fists rapidly.

Jack stepped half an inch closer to David and began murmuring under his breath. “Davey, if you don’t want-”

“Don’t call me Davey.” His eyes were alight with flame- Jack’s chest caught fire.

Of all the things that felt domestic when dating Davey Jacobs, kissing him never managed to become routine. Davey kissed like he earnestly meant it. The gears in his brilliant mind would grind to a halt so he could dedicate himself to the lilting curve of Jack’s mouth, a gentle sweep of warmth when the artist’s mouth was otherwise preoccupied with his needless words, and the world would spin on a delicate axis. (Jack’s shoulders rose to meet Davey, the physical ache of being someone’s other half drawing him forward. Davey had avoided him for so long, Jack living on a diet of lingering stares and a brief touch of the hand, that kissing him felt like a dying man knelt at a replenished well. How did they exist for so long without this innate knowledge of the universe? Could he stand to go on a single second longer without the praise of Davey Jacob’s lips?) Of all the things Jack missed about spending his life with Davey Jacobs, kissing him was certainly one of them.

There was a moment where the pads of Jack’s fingertips brushed the nape of David’s neck, a habit borne from the small noise it would draw from the back of his throat, and the steely corporate floor felt more like the worn carpet in the old thirty-second street apartment. Jack could feel his thready pulse with the gentle press of a thumb.

Davey was a fan of the dramatics- he would pull away from a passionate kiss in the middle of a busy New York street to stare into Jack’s eyes, foreheads gently touching and cheeks furiously blushing. Now, he simply drew back. Took a step away. Swiped at his lips with the back of his hand.

Jack felt like he was falling. (“If you ever break up with me,” Jack began. He laughed at Davey’s unexpected shudder, the honest and visceral kind. “Make it quick.”

“What about when you break up with me?” Davey peered over his glasses.

Crinkling his nose, Jack quickly answered before the other boy could detail any breakup preferences. “I’m not an idiot, Dave. ‘M not going anywhere.”)

---

He stared at the limp fifty dollars in his hand. Romeo had apologized, explaining that the people who had organized this got half the cut, and handed them both an envelope- Jack, one with “Tony Higgins” that he planned to run through his shredder, and David, one with “Sarah Jacobs,” which made Jack gawk in disbelief.

Jack didn’t want to walk away; David’s feet were shuffling against the worn pavement.

“It’s funny,” David started. “I listened to a lot of Taylor Swift to get over you.”

He winced. “Sorry?”

“Please. I know she’s been your top artist since 2013.”

(Katherine walked through a worryingly unlocked apartment door. “Is that... Begin Again? Jack, what the fuck are you doing?” She had seconds to worry about the cluster of wilted flower petals her heel had put a hole through before Sarah pointed at the pair of legs sticking out of the bathroom’s entrance.) “Yeah, okay. Fair. But… funny? Did I miss a joke?”

David closed his eyes to roll them, as he so often did when he was trying to be polite, and it hurt to be on the receiving end. “We just had our last kiss. You know, like-”

“I’m Joe Jonas?” Jack interrupted, bewildered. The semi-glare he received in return was all he needed to know- “Right. Dickhead. Listen, Dave- David, why didn’t you tell me you were back in town?”

There was a brief moment where something unrecognizable flashed over David’s face- pity? Regret? Dejection? It was quickly replaced by a soft smile tugging at the edge of his lips, his eyes glazed over with a practiced professionalism. “I’ll see you around, Jack. Have a good day.”

David turned and walked down the street, and Jack just missed the passing moment he chose to look back.

---

Comment on EXES KISS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THEIR BREAKUP by IncredibleKinsey: those two dudes are all mad and then just make out like that????? yeah okay call me when the wedding happens

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