#the manic depressive energy i am feeling rn

[maxsix]

#choi seungcheol #seungcheol #scoups #seventeen #maxsixgif #the manic depressive energy i am feeling rn #the unhinged era i am about to enter #if he kept this hair and vibe longer #i think we'd be in real trouble #i just really like this era for him #and tonight #i remembered that he is my actual twin #we have the same birthday

[boxwinebaddie]

IS THAT A SHORT HAIRED JERS ON PINTEREST?? 👀

Ding, Ding, Ding! We Haaave A Wiiiiiinner!

that Is a short hair jerseykyle on the pinterest!

**very long uncle nina rambling under the cut, a lot of it is about my creative process, rm, the side characters and ofc...short hair jersey.

also omgshjssks!!! y'all are Quick With It on the pinterest!!! i personally am Obsessed with it and tried to make it really well thought out and am very specific with the things i pin, especially in the face/aesthetic sections bc they’re v important for visualization to my personal hcs bc i feel very strongly about my hc about how the characters look, what they wear, even just what they care abt and i hope you like them. <333 i also try to add sections/pins as we get new information/i develop my rm!cast more — specifically the side characters because they got neglected while i developed stan/kyle.

sidebar abt a side character i was scared abt developing bc they’re not in my wheelhouse: i’ve actually been working on some stuff about tweek lately that i actually feel p excited abt it’s a little weird? but I Personally think it’s fun and fresh! i hope y'all it, omg <333

someone Also asked me abt craigory a while ago and idk too much abt him Yet other than that he that he’s 6’5” n lanky as hell, skates everywhere, smokes a lot, is bad at processing death specifically and every time ( a ) stripe dies, he buries her in a shoebox marked stripe like #13, goes to the pet store and buys a new stripe and pretends like that’s the original stripe: no change, like she’s not a completely different guinea pig. ooof. he studies astrophysics at harvard ( takes a greyhound to visit tweek every other weekend ) and is gearin up for a huge internship for NASA in washington all the way cross the country which freaks tweek out SO much bc he’s moving far away. :///

but, anywhore! please ask me about the side characters anytime! i love talking about them! and if you see anything specific pinned anywhere on the NCU pinterest, also feel free to ask me! obviously i have a sea on anons rn, so it'll take me a sec, but hmu anytime, y'all.

now...onto Short Hair Jersey which...tbh, i looked at that pin for a while because i was like, hm, this site model is very cute to me, i like his freckles v much...but he has short hair. regardless, i just said fuck it and pinned it to the board as another face reference and didn't do anymore deep thought about it...but ooooough that i am Thinkin...

i wanted to do a short hair jersey moment for a while. hair i feel like is very symbolic/can be analysed in rm, specifically with stan.

basically, you can kind of tell what era were in, his current mental state, and honestly, what point of rm where are in by stan's hair color.

ie. that white/silvery danny phantom color was pre!rm when scotty was still around/calm b4 the storm, blonde stan is post-scotty fallout when the toner washed out, electric blue hair stan is first style breakup sort of manic/mostly depressed stan, blue washing out/color oops, stan having just the tips of his hair blonde is healing stan w/ the dark brown coming in, red hair stan is crazy boy manic divorce stan and pink hair stan w/ the red washing out is cute boy, happy anti-valentines day ravesey reunion stan, with pink tip hair stan being very close to healing/college stan, and dark brown stan being healing/sober, thriving ( hw is hard, but he's okay ) ravenstan.

as far as kyle goes, i think long hair kyle is Default Kyle...short hair kyle is definetly...an Anomaly, a glitch in the matrix...a very, veeery bad sign, tbh. long hair kyle being jersey just sets him apart from my pep kyle and canon kyle tbh, i like his dark academia, maneater, philosophic ice king energy. and i was gonna say that maybe kyle stopped cutting his hair after stan passed away but...nah. nevermind.

bc sheils def had kyle get hair cuts & complains when his hair gets too long ( when kyle came to visit all he did was nag nag nag kyle about his long hair, smh ) but once he started college, i think it just got longer and Longer and he was Going to cut it but bebe BEGGED him not to because he looked so good w/ it long, v chic, giving off duty couture runway model fr. i love you sm, long hair jersey! mwah!

BUT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED IT BE SHORT FOR AN IMPORTANT PLOT REASON. like not just Because, like, i think kyle agrees that his hair looks better long and likes it like that so he wouldn't just randomly cut it short...but he would if it was an important reason.

my first thought was that maybe he did it before the plane ride, like cut his hair short when stan dyed his blue so they could both be dramatic and quasi-secret broken up together buuuuut...

i had a far, far Worse idea. ;)

so towards the end of RM...

-- which sorry, side bar again, but i just wanted to say, bc i have anxiety abt it and get lots of anons asking me for answers abt things i don't actually know yet. I Did Not Finish Planning Out RM. like...at all. just because its so complicated. so the stuff in the middle is kind of only half way there, some of the stuff even before ravesey get together is kind of dodgy and the end, i have Concepts for ( and plot concepts in gen ) but they're not fully formed and need to be figured out by me. so technically, you are basically building a story with me, or watching me develop it thorugh your asks...i hope that's okay? --

but, *ahem*, towards the end of rm ( i'm so sorry, guys, i'm evil ), i had plans to...FATALLY WOUND JERSEY ;) saving stan in south park, there's some violence and drama and action towards the end that involves a lot of the other characters in southpark we left behind/side characters we don't know about yet...and i kind of wanted to do something Dramatic ala tangled saving rapunzel by cutting her hair off, like, idk some very dramatic and upsetting, heroic reason that jersey's hair gets cut short....

so i'm thinking...he gets also mortally wounded in some violent and horrifyingly sad and frightening way, maybe a shard of glass cuts the hair off...but, tbh, my most Final Canon Answer is the hospital team needs access to a lot of his upper body/head/neck region and they have to cut his hair short to save his life and operate or something. so he wakes up in the hospital with stan there...with shorter hair.

( he still looks fine as hell tho! don't get it twisted, i think it kinda still curls around his ears and stuff it's not too short but it's DRASTIC )

anyways...so...Yeah. short hair jersey. dramatic, i know! and i think him groing it out post rm is him going back to being healthy and i kind of wanted to keep it like that....buuuuuut...

I had an Even WOOOOORSE idea...

which was that around the time stan dyes his hair unhinged manic panic vampire red, kyle cuts his hair short again in a sort of He Liked My Hair Long, So I Cut it Short...way.

what do we think?

-uncle nina, torturer of beautiful boys

#honestly i feel *exciting* things abt this omg #i don't have that last part planned out perfectly but involves the mackeys lackeys law student group assisting on a trial in sp #a large investigation...that resurfaces...about a ~murder~ #and its very messy and violent as it unravels and things come to light oh my god i am excited and frightened to develop/share #ALMOST MORTALLY FATALLY WOUNDED KYLE DYING IN STANS ARMS...i bet you he says smile pendejo :((((( #brb gonna krill myself to be with jersey i think its very unlikely hes going to survive bc how weak his body is from his ed the smoking #and all his chronic illnesses and everyone is scared hes gonna die and stan is at his bedside the whole time idk if their back #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa dramatic tangled ending #i have mixed feelings abt short hair jersey like i love u and miss u long hair jers but the symbolism and the reason/plot around short hair #thats very interesting to me i like the change in the air #BUT HOW DO WE FEEL ABT THAT DRAMA OMG #I THINK THAT ITS SPICY AS HELL #not stan holding kyle in his arms kyle spitting up blood and telling him itll be okay and to take care of curb and water suzy for him #IM ILL THIS IS SICK BUT IF THIS WAS A TV SHOW I KNOW IT WOULD BE CRAZY PEOPLE WOULD BE SCREAMING AND CRYING

[scoups4lyfe]

Bipolar Essay Extra #4

A solid a$$ explanation of BD from Ian:

So, to add in some of my own experience here, I'll put in some of my journal entries, and then go a little in-depth:

[Friday, June 3rd 2022]

(20:54 — 8:54 PM) 

Oh, great. The insanity is back. 

Now, this type of insanity is hard to describe. Just…wired energy. Like anxious energy spazzing through me like I just took 9 shots of caffeine.” 

(End of entry.)

My thoughts:

Okay--so I still vividly remember the energy. Ian said there's so much energy, so much ideas, and that it gets to a point where you start losing sanity, and that's the point I was at. I just had all this energy inside of me, my mind was going 200 miles a minute but with 3 different voices, my hands were trembling, and I couldn't do anything because the energy was too my mortal coil to handle 🤪.

...

[September 15th 2022 — Thursday, 2:24 AM. ]

Currently fvcking tripping right now. I don’t think my mood stabilizers are doing the thing that they should be doing. Like I am out of my mind right now. I feel inSANE. Not bad-insane yet, but I know I’m going to have trouble sleeping. I….want to write and draw and watch Donbrothers but all this energy doesn’t want to do any of this. Like for some reason I want to go out running and screaming maybe, like I could jog five miles— but? This energy does not want to write or draw or watch sh*t or liveblog. It’s frustrating, but I can’t even be frustrated? Because my mood is just elevated lol. I feel fvcking crazy right now. 

The Moodswings movie (part 1) for this album [DPR Ian’s] is…something I greatly relate to. I see myself in that video. That’s me. Dude, it’s like looking through a mirror. Damn, it just reminded me of how shaky I was like a month ago when my thoughts wouldn’t stop racing and I felt like I was spiraling out of control at work. Dude that sh*t was hard. Right now I feel good, but I know this high isn’t….normal lol. These last few days have been somewhat like this, but this is the most energized and elated  I feel. To the point that I can’t even get upset. Like, yoINks. 

[End of entry]

Bro I hit that euphoric mania and got lost in the sauce And --warning ahead, the next entry I'm putting under this one was when I was deep into that euphoric mania. You can tell too cause my thoughts are all over the place.

[October 3rd, 2022]

Monday, 5:35 PM 

Too Much, Too Much, All at Once, ah FvCK

Everything is glowing. Like all the light sources are especially bright and so it’s hard to focus on any one thing because all this light is shining at me and my eyes are going in and out of focus. Right now I can’t stare at the computer screen. I can’t focus on it, it’s like my eyes start seeing everything in this room at once, and it’s all so bright, and I can’t think when it’s like this. Tomorrow is trash pick up day, so I finally got the garbage out of my room and …now there is a lot more space— fvck. I feel like I’m trembling but it’s not my body—maybe just my eyes. 

Man trying to gesture draw like this is going to be real sh*tty I can already tell. 

Uh, I hope this entry is coherent, I don’t feel very coherent right now. Just zazzed.  

I got a tab up, “Guide to Mental Health Acronyms,” because I want to finally know and remember what the fvckin acronym for “bipolar disorder” is. BitJazz borderline personality making everything all complicated. (Damn, mfer I am TRIPPING.) 

[6:12 PM]  WhOOPS—sorry, y’all. Got distracted texting J (and then this other acquaintance). Though all I’m inclined to text rn is just nonsense gibberish, occasionally in a nonsense rhyme scheme, and featuring a few thrown in completely-made-up words that just feel right. Man, on tumblr today — I was on the manic depression tag — I saw a post talking about grandeur delusions, but their delusions were “the belief that I could finally change for the better, start eating healthy everyday, working out everyday, cooking and cleaning everyday” and I was like—

Damn, holmes! I guess I was more fvcked outta my mind then I thought. (I remember, idk how many weekends ago, having that same exact thought process and feeling because DAMN was I capable in that moment—ah. )

[6:28 PM] 

Sorry—was texting an acquaintance again. Wanted to share the above meme, and so I sent it once, and then a few texts later I sent it again. (Because it makes me laugh, LOL!!!!) Anyways, when I read tha— I need to get myself some more multivitamins lest I evaporate and die. 

FVCK

[6:40 PM] 

Damn I wish I could read. Right, right—that tab with the Mental Health Acronyms thing. Riiiiight. The Mental Health Acronyms tab ,,, the tab involving mental Health Acro— 

(lol) 

[8:28 PM] 

I’ve done some gesture drawing. Decided to move the 30 second timer (since I’ve done 70 drawings with it) to 2 minutes. My mind is fireworks. AAhhHHHHLHH;hhHH. Just read a tumblr post that said, “Being manic is feeling stuck in a perpetual loop of vertigo” and yah. I’ll drink to that bro. (LOL). 

I just found the perfect description. (Found, in my own thoughts, that is.) Right now, what I’m experiencing is like if I put on those red+blue 3-D glasses at the movie theater, except it's not red or blue, just light and so now I’m tripping tf outta my mind. 

(Unrelated) But a solid description of how I’ve been with my money these last like 5 months, literally the equivalent of: “Wow! I spent $50 on buttons in a variety of colors because I saw them and thought, ‘aw those are such cute little fkin buttons! I can place them all over my house and every time I see one I’ll be filled with immense joy because they’re just so fkin cuteeeeeeeeeee.’ And then when the buttons arrive being like, “What the fvck???/ What tHE FVCK?????” But then buying $50 more like 2 weeks later. 

Absolutely, 3 billion percent embarrassing behavior.

[End of entry excerpt ....it goes on for much longer LOL]

Anyways, I think these do a good job of showing what the mind of someone going through a manic episode is like--constantly switching thoughts, getting distracted, not all coherent, yada yada yada.

PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4)

Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)

Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

[Prev]. [Next]

#my thougts #bipolaire #bipolar disorder #manic depression #actually bipolar #mental health #neurodiversity #neurodivergencies #dpr ian #dpr we gang gang #christian yu #fvcking moodswings ⚡️✌️ #a scoup of life 🔫🦆

[funsizedfiend]

low effort intro time

lets fuckin go

28f

advanced lit indie danganronpa rp blog for my completely self indulgent fem!gundham au. headcanons galore.

extremely selective due to past experiences

down for pretty much anything and any ship

dead dove themes possible but this is more lighthearted than my main blog (@slutrabiez)

any nsfw will be tagged accordingly

MINORS DNI!!

i mostly plan to use this account to write my own little drabbles and participate in rp prompts and memes with my few friends. also to collect aesthetic images for my muse. i do not have the energy for whole ass threads rn unless i REALLY like you. if we do get to that point i prefer to write longer things like that on discord.

i have a real life to live, manic depression, and an autoimmune disease. if you can't handle me sometimes not feeling it and taking long ass hiatuses fuck off.

admin is a giant bitch with no tolerance for your drama so do not drag me in it. i am here to have fun, not mediate in friendships or be made to feel like rp is a job. if you are stressing me out and putting a damper on my fun, i'm blocking you.

if you're chill and straightforward we'll get along fine, otherwise please don't bother!

#danganronpa rp #indie rp #genderbend au #dr rp #danganronpa roleplay #rp #roleplay #rp blog

[allthebipolarknowhow]

Hi! I was asking this on a diff blog but then realized it hadn't updated in like seven years so rip me.

I have a friend who has bipolar disorder, and I wanted to learn more about it. I know it features manic episodes where you have low impulse control/dangerously high self esteem and a depressive episode where it's just the opposite. I wonder if there's any more insight I should know when approaching this subject matter?

More specifically, my friend is in this (less than healthy) relationship that they've said they should probably break up with them, but specifically referenced being bipolar, and that the person was "their favorite person rn." Is there a trend of hyperfixating on a specific person when you have bipolar?

If this is too specific, that's alright, I was trying to google some of this stuff but I wasn't finding anything besides general definitions and symptoms. Any insight you could give I would appreciate!

Hello there! I’m so glad your friend has someone like you in their life. <3 you’re a good friend.

To answer your questions, it’s a bit complicated. Please forgive me if I say something wrong; I am not a therapist or doctor. I’m just someone with Bipolar disorder who wants to help.

1.) Knowing about Bipolar disorder

Bipolar mania and depression aren’t just periods of high or low self esteem and high or low impulse control. While those are factors, that’s not all it is.

Bipolar hypo/mania is characterized by periods of unusually high moods, energy, and self esteem, low impulse control, inability to focus or hyperfocusing, difficulties sleeping, possible outbursts of emotions/inability to regulate emotions, racing thoughts, and possible inability to reason out decisions. Hypo/manic episodes typically last a week or more. This is much shorter than a depressive episode.

Bipolar depressions is characterized by low energy, moods, and self esteem, inability to focus, difficulties sleeping, possible eating habit changes, weight gain or loss, loss of interest in activities, and general behavior changes. Depressed episodes typically last a month or more, which is much longer than a hypo/manic episode.

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL.

There are mixed episodes, which means you have characteristics of both depression and mania. Any symptom of mania or depression is possible during mixed episodes, which makes it to be hard to explain what they are and what they feel like.

There is also rapid cycling, which means you switch between manic and depressed states quickly. This is what many people refer to as “swinging”. Rapid cycling is not uncommon, especially in unmedicated people.

Co-morbidities (other disorders that occur with the primary disorder) such as anxiety and ADHD are also common with a bipolar diagnosis

HOWEVER, bipolar disorder looks different on everyone. Talk to your friend about their symptoms and warning signs, if you want to help.

2.) Hyperfixating

Hyperfixations are a part common used terminology in many disorders, namely autism and ADHD.

A hyperfixation is occurs when you become fixate with a topic, piece of media, person, hobby, or thing.

Hyperfixation, however, is different than liking/loving something.

Hyperfixations consume your thoughts, attention, and energy, often times becoming an unhealthy obsession. They may start off as simple curiosity or appreciation, but grow out of control. (Side point— hyperfocusing and hyperfixating are different but very similar things but that’s for another post)

Your friend referring to their partner as their “favorite person rn” is more than likely not a hyperfixation, although it may be just as unhealthy. They probably have found safety or normalcy in their relationship and don’t want the change that would come from breaking up with their partner.

Perhaps talk to them about your concerns and let them explain how they feel and why they are making these choices?

#bipolar 2 #actuallybipolar2 #bipolar ii #actuallybipolar #bipolar disorder #bipolar mania #bipolar hypomania #mania #hypomania #bipolar asks #asks #start screen: experiences

[justanotherstardrop]

I am wishing for the best! I hope everything goes well when y'all tell her.

And of course! Good vibes are always nice. Thank you guys for the positive energy! Sending some more good vibes to you guys! ✨ I hope Chocolat is doing well too!

I wish people would be kinder too. Fake claiming and invalidating helps nobody. I believe you guys aren't faking! Each system is different, and each system is valid! You guys are valid!

It sucks when people don't take you seriously too. Nobody knows what's going on in someone else's head, so it doesn't make sense how people just brush it off when people are struggling.

And ooh! Those sound cool! Cat ears and bunny ears.. I can see how they help!

Emotion wheels are useful, but they're hard to find. I tried finding a wheel with a lot on it, but I didn't find much. I found a few good ones though! Emotions are hard to understand, but I agree. The wheels are good for identifying feelings.

I hope they're feeling better now! But if not, then here's some more good vibes and support! ✨✨ Some days are very hard. I hope you guys were able to distract yourselves and watch some good anime!

I'm glad it helped them! Honestly I get that too. Hospitalization doesn't always help and being hospitalized is a scary thought. We shouldn't have to be afraid of being hospitalized for speaking our minds.

Aww! I'm glad I can help at least a little! I agree too. Positive interaction goes a long way especially when you're used to not being treated nice.

Thank you guys for the star! And of course! How are you guys feeling now?

-🌺

hii 🌺 anon!

we haven't got a chance to talk to her about the mania but she was in our med meeting today and got us to say we've fused. we worried she didnt believe so 😔 and we freaked out but she said she did and fusing is positive.. and that she beleives us.. rip us

thank you for the energy! right now its me and Andy rn, Tobias as cocon ealier. we might need to switch soon cause im a bit overwhelmed.. haha sending you positive energy aswell.. :>

thank you sm.. youre very kind. we appreciate you support. we deal enough with thinking were faking people saying we're faking doesnt help..

yes! we agree. we should believe in people.. it hurts when people don't believe you or act like they do. also our brain makes it auto that people dont believe us so we ask about it over and over.. it sucks..

yes! we love our ears. we deal with phantom body parts aswell. wings and ears and such

i know some emotion wheels! hope these can help. we well look for more if needed

we did end up distracting ourselves Andy was out most of the day and didnt talk to much people. but hopefully were gonna be back to being active. so sorry for the late reply. we worried at least 1 friends so oops haha.. i was in headspace for a while.. mania episode ended. probs depression is gonna hit but cause 🤪 yeah..

it is scary.. we get that. we have a lot of hospital trauma... we're scared to get hospitalized again.. weve been hospitalized 10+ times and all of them were traumatic and we have mutiple alters that hold hospital trauma.. im glad i dont remember much tbh the flashbacks i do get are horrorific

you do help. getting nice asks and positive interaction is always nice. thank youn sm 🌺 anon. youre so kind. 😭😭

a lots been going on but i feel pretty neutral/okay?? Andy feels okay aswell. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last and we're scared its gonna cause a big depression.. wdk how it will affect the system Magenta isnt manic anymore either. how are you doing?

- Shane and Andy

#asks #🌺 anon #magenta #shane #shanes #andy #emotion wheels #emotion wheel #emotion #hospital tw #tw #cw #hospital #hospitals #hospitalization #mental hospital #psych hospital

[boxwinebaddie]

if u could assign yourself one of your ninaverse characters who would it be🤨

okay wait a minute, this was kind of difficult i had to break it down…BUT I THINK I CRACKED IT!!!!!

also sorry you do not have to read this, this is a nina character study but it was really interesting to me lmaooooo. i dropped some nina pic crews at the bottom and bolded the important bit. <3

tysm for asking btw! this was really fun omg

so i think i...Present the most like bebe? like i, unfortunately, am THAT annoying. all of her dialogue is only a slightly barbiefied exaggerated version of what i might say...and not by that much. i am a fashion y2k mall crawl slay olay swear on britney girlie!!! and i would hit u with my purse if u were moping around about a boy that didn't deserve u!!! i would hit that man with my car!!!! if i could drive!!! which i cant!!! well!! im for the girls gays and theys!

so i guess like on the more extroverted side of my personality i would be bebe but on the more introverted side...

i am very pep!stan. like bebes dialogue is the easiest for me to write, but all of stans introspection is the easiest for me to write because i just really...feel him in my bones. like i really kind of AM a lot of him in pep at this point bc i am also a very mentally ill, dramatic, crybaby chaotic bisexual, broken but tries to fix everyone human. i also never stopped doing egirl eyeliner/makeup...and i am also x 300 ( can i stop saying also pls ) asian and white but extremely white passing so...i would probably look the most like egirl pep!stan with bebe y2k accoutrements.

he’s special to me bc he’s a lot like me so if you're reading pep or even like rm stan ( i want to be him but i am not a sexy rockstar with ptsd unfortunately ) and something feels particularly strong to you…i probably lived it. like unfortunately, i was an alcohol coping mechanism girlie in hs and most of college :/ i gave him my bipolar, my cringey middle school emo phase, irl i won shot roulette, i do my best, i cry a lot, i am a lover girl, i also am short and cant drive...was in love with my best friend in hs lmaoooo

so i'm kind of a bebe sun...stan moon?

which really should just make me kenny because kenny naturally is kind of the out of pocket-depression bridge between bebe/stan, and like i do b hitting on all my friends and actin up...but depending on how much i am vibing i am either a strong tequila ten kenny on the tabletop or i am kyle on his phone in the corner overstimulated.

but tbh i am probably a kyle rising...just bc of academic ravenclaw girl vibes. he also has all my cat girl energies, me being annoyed 24/7, the thrift store sweaters, pride and prejudice is also my favorite book, his need for praise, in general but mostly academically ( ok but stan being terrible at math is extremely me ) OK OK OK WAIT BEING IN LOVE WITH MY BFF IN HS IS ACTUALLY MORE KYLE THAN STAN FOR ME!!! if u feel that horrible pain in ur heart reading pep...like specifically watching kyle just be in love with stan...THAT WAS ME BABY THATS ALL REAL!! I WAS KYLE

i can also be a little marjorine bc i really like hello kitty and sometimes i am a soft gal but unfortunately my writer girl joker arc is winning rn.

IN CONCLUSION!!!!!!

i look and act the most like bebe, i think/feel the most like stan but i am the most like kyle?

like my outside is very pink y2k, my soul is very cringey, emo, sad, doing my best, finger guns and my brain is very like writer girl, riddles, school, mom friend, anxious neroutic.

i am like if you took stan ( specifically his nice sad heart but also his edgy boy depression ), dyed his hair manic pixie dream girl insane bitch blue, did his emo boy eyeliner to the max, put him in a pink juicy couture rm!bebe tracksuit, basically gave him all of bebe's y2k princess girlbossery and gave him kyles crazy insane boy anxiety overload, perpetual exhaustion, dark academia brain capacity…also made him a tired boxwine drinking dying college student like rm!kyle….THATS ME BABY!

ahdslksahdldas HELP

ok idk if this helps i am sad that i am worried about my digital footprint otherwise i would post pictures!!! most of you remember what i look like tho haha! rip but here are weird piccrews i did idk if this is gonna help even...

also my hair is usually much more blue rn it is faded i need to redye her it’s like dark blue on the top and light blue near the ends! my favorite color is green but i wear a lot of pink, also that is my cat lily!

LAST ALSO OMG I DO NOT HAVE FRECKLES IM A LIAR BUT I DO DRAW THEM ON EVERYDAY LIKE A DIRTY LYING FAKEY FAKER!

thank u for coming to my red talk!

-uncle nina, bebe sun stan moon kyle rising

#like i really am all three kinda blended into a little box wine beverage #i am also a kyle swiftie and a stan maccaferty girl im the joker ik #really if u put a gun to my head…id be stan but Pink #but also if i was less depressed and more annoyed id be pink kyle #so i really am either stan or kyle dressed up like bebe #i am particularly drawn to writing like mad as hell academic tired secretly cares neurotic character #and is wonderful and kind and so sad golden retriever lover boy characters #bc both are so me #this was insane thank u for reading this #nina ceo of mean smart gay boys and sad nice bisexual boys hq

[damagedsmile]

//Hullo hullo everyone, just flying in here with an update & I apologise for taking so long about it.

So its been a tough time for everyone with C-19. Ireland is going into another lock down. I hope yall are taking care & regardless of your opinion on the matter, I hope yall are being respectful & safe.

Life has been abit topsy-turvy for me. Im learning that grief is just a series of moments where, when you least expect it, you spontaneously combust with tears. Ive had good days but a lot of days where it do be just hanging on by your nails & wondering when the rabbithole ends. So basically I'm at a point where I really don't know how I'm going to feel the next hour, the next day... yanno. I've had moments where I feel ready to return here & do something small but that feeling always changes to the opposite; I'm being careful with discerning what is a manic whim & what is real. I think that's a very important skill for anyone in this position or with mental health issues to learn, so im learning something new this past while.

I have not been able to write anything or draw for months now. Its very frustrating & depressing in itself as I am a creative person & often feel smothered when unable to create. I just have no energy or ideas & am very resentful of myself for feeling things that disrupt my hobbies. But I know i need to feel & go through this so am not pressuring myself. I'm focusing on keeping myself clean & fed & practicing good sleep hygiene; once I can master these three fundamentals, I can focus on other things.

Its funny, I think, that life experiences can alter you so much that you forget how to be human in that you find yourself forgetting to eat & unable to perform daily self-care routines & unable to show love towards those you know you love dearly. To sum it up, I think its fair to say this is the lowest point of my life & its been both horrible & eye-opening. I feel like a burn victim, without skin, everything hurting & tiresome & feeling seperate from myself & my former life. In that same perverse way, that part of me is abit thankful for c-19 because it means I don't have people coming close to me & hugging me & generally being sympathetic: I find im loathing that behaviour now. I don't want to be the person whom suffered a great loss that everyone needs to comfort, I just want to be a person that people treat like normal.

I opened the door the other day to a Traveller woman trying to sell me bedsheets & she said "ah take that, it'd be a grand present for your ma" to which I said, "my ma's dead". It was easier to say than I thought it would be & it was actually a relief to say it & receive a fumbling apology, "I'm sorry, my ma's dead too." I appreciated that more than receiving a hug or a pat on the back. Not that a stranger would do such things, but yanno. We had a moment like saluting each other & I bought pillows off her, the end.

I hope I'm making sense. I hope no one takes offence to this. This is just my feelings, my journey. I've been calling myself a child of grief, making this journey to a port in a storm where i can start a new life on that port & begin anew once I've shed this old skin thats dried out from salty tears.

I've been playing TS4. I started the Asylum Challenge on medium difficulty. I have Joker there ofc with 6 others. I did have 8 Sims but Jared Leto died in the pool (he went for a swim instead of sleeping ffs). We've had 1 Asylum baby that was adopted away for obvious reasons. Currently Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is trying to get with Rob Zombie's creepy twin, Bob Zombie. Joker is hitting it off with my Sim whose aesthetic is inspired by Emilie Autumn. I called her Kathryn Wheel cuz of the torture device/HIM song.

I got two rat kittens for Valentines Day (not sure if I've told you before). They're Fancy Rats but with blue colouring, which I've never seen before in breeds. I called them MizPah & BoBoBetty. The Precious got a new snake, a BEL he calls Helvita but i call her Boo.

I got my hands tattooed a wee while ago which wasn't as painful as my neck but painful enough that I'm relieved theyre done & healed up. I'll try remember to post pics whenever. My memorys been a bit scatty with meds. Im also working on losing weight again so I've been very tired & grumpy when I'm not huddling in a nest of blankets growling at The Precious when he enters my space. The only way he earns my trust each eve is to give me coffee & tell me im being very good. Is this a joke? YOU be the judge...

Anyway. Im alive & still working on myself. I thank yall for your patience & support, it means a lot to me knowing my friends on here are rooting for me. I'm toasting yall rn with my iced coffee (still trying to perfect the recipe but im getting there). I hope yall are doing well & are happy, safe, & healthy. Remember I love yall & wish you all the very best, even if I'm not present or feeling sociable. We'll all get through this, i promise you. Remember that you only really see light when things are very dark 💜

#damagedmun #mobile #update #tw mental health #tw long post

[vesperstalksclones]

Ramblings of a Bipolar Geek girl.

And a picture of this sexy mother fucker who is haunting my shit RN and is viscerally intertwined with all my hot messy-ness. And why not?

Really this is just brain droppings. I'm ramping up in to what will likely be a doozy of an episode, so I needed a dumping ground and Tumblr seemed like the place.

I own that diagnosis, Bipolar, and not like in a fad way. I mean chemically messed up. My PsychNP who tends my medicine chuckles and pats me on the head when we talk. She loves my stories and our visits are usually more like coffee with a favorite aunt. Not a call for help or anything. I'm good. I think if you've started reading, then you'll find some things to laugh at.

Eh... OK. A&P/Psychiatry lesson. A lot of people talk about Bipolar disorder, but I've found the average person knows very little about psychological disorders beyond "crazy". Specifically, I am medicated for Bipolar II. Bipolar I and II both suffer from the hellish depression that comes in the cycle, but bipolar I is characterized by periods of mania that can get quite uncontrollable and self destructive. Like the things you hear about people running up tens of thousands of $$ on credit cards or selling their house on a whim. Bipolar II still has the manuc episodes, but not so severe. Its a wild ride, but mostly fun and exhilarating. But, well, thats mania. Like, I go through bouts of insomnia, obsessive behavior, blasts of energy; it feels like your personality is trying to shatter your skin and fly off in every direction at once.

The insomnia gets old, and the jitteryness can be obnoxious at times, but the obsessions are downright funny. In the past, oh years ago, I remember a year (I go in nice neat 3 month cycles) where I had a food obsession with fruit roll-ups (an American snack common in kids lunch pails if you're not familiar). So, my last episode was late May - June. I had a new opsession and or new symptom. I thought it was just this mysterious hormonal change that I hear talked about on sitcoms and movies and etc where a middle aged woman suddenly becomes a cougar. Well.... suddenly my mania comes with ADVANCED HORNY. Now, I'm a geek, always have been. And suddenly, this new manic horny thing (and my Puss Puss) said "Look! Fictional characters! And they have genitalia! Imma gonna latch on to this hard!" Somehow the worst of the obsession landed on my beloved clone boys.... and well I started my Tumblr account and poured in smut - fics, pics, follows, etc. After a few weeks, things calmed down. And I thought... well that was refreshing, sorry its over. NOW - three-ish months on.. its BACK. Next manic cycle and skin melting horny have me their grip! Is this shit here to stay?

Ok so... some of y'all write about this or that character going through a heat cycle or a rut... well... this bitch knows what that feels like. I can barely function. I am humming like a fucking tuning fork. I've changed my drawers twice today (sorry, gross but lol) and any conscious thought involves some depraved behavior involving specific handsome brown men. AND THE DREAMS I HAD LAST NIGHT! My stars and garters, I couldn't properly look Nitro in the eye this morning when he got up for work! (No worries, he and I have a happy comfortable relationship and we can talk openly about sex and people we admire and etc. That and IDK what my sexual orientation is so we can appreciate boobs together happily, but this can be another entertaining blog post)

LIke srsly, Temuera Morrisson, Sam Witwer, Dee Bradley Baker, Liam Neeson, and Ewan McGregor should consider getting ready for retraining orders against me. The money I would pay just to have these guys talk at me.. well... might rival that shit I said about Bipolar I mania 🤣.

All things considered... mania is exhausting. Your brain is on constant fast forward and I feel like there is a veil between me and the world. Im sure I'll do or say some stupid things that might embarass me later on, but right now everything seems fair game, kind of like being drunk or something. IDK. So that being said... time to sip some coffee, draw some clone dick,... and maybe write down some of those dreams from last night. Seems a shame not to share! 😁🥰

Love you babies! ✌

#vesperstalksclones #bipolar ramblings #psycho but it's okay #mentalheathawareness #no shame in my game #drinks silly dumb bitch juice

[prisonhannibal]

hi! i see that you’re wondering if you maybe have bipolar and i thought i’d just let you know that my sister also has adhd BUT she has bipolar too and honestly it does seem that your behaviors are REALLY similar, ofc this doesn’t mean that you have it too but it might be worth looking into! i’ve got adhd but no bipolar and i can’t describe it but there’s a bit of a difference between my adhd behaviors and her manic episode behaviors.. ig hers are more ‘frantic’? not the word i’m looking for tbh

yeah i’m not sure if that’s what’s up but I should probably talk to my therapist because i feel like it comes up a lot more often in my life than most others fhjfkf

rn i just feel like someone took my adhd and turned the volume up to 150% but it’s hard to know if that’s just because depression kinda suppressed it a little bit (and my personality holy shit i am so boring when i’m depressed soooo boring and no energy and no creativity so I never even draw) so this is like my actual ADHD and actual personality when the depression isn’t there to make my ADHD less intense u know what I mean?

also thank you for this message it’s very nice of u to take the time to send it

[geethebear]

Ok. So the only thing I am diagnosed with is depression. But bipolar runs in my family, and a couple of other disorders that are in the same category. My bf is diagnosed as bipolar and has been in a depression that I've watched get worse the longer I've lived with him.

In the last month I've seen him have more sleepless nights (days for him), do activities that would make the sleep he gets less, today he put of the blue decided he's gonna start working out again. When I got home he was agitated, every little thing was setting him off. So, it seems as though he's manic rn.

But these sleepless nights I've had alot of energy, I've had way too much. The simplest things bring my mood higher, I can't stop moving, I have too many thoughts to even touch, I noticed at work today that my speech is faster. With how I am, it could be Said im the other kind of manic too.

All that leads to this: I feel like i triggered his episode. Some people have said that being with others who go through similar things everyone kinda gets manic days of each other and same for the other moods. I cried to myself, apogizing to the air because I feel guilty. I'm not saying I'm bipolar, but I know I have had similar episodes that instead last days to weeks instead of weeks to months. Weed helps me even out. It does him too, but when he's manic he don't smoke..

Thanks for coming to my rant induced by my racing brain and overwhelming emotions

[bipolarbruja]

Okay - hi how you been feeling lately? Do you/have you had mixed episode(s) before - what they like for you? What’s your relationship with food when manic? How does your bipolar interact with your social anxiety like does it cancel out if manic and you feel more confident etc or when depressed does it get really bad? /// Are you currently reading a book (what book)? Blue green and yellow in order of preference? Did/doing/going to do anything pleasing to you will week? And have a good day!! :) X

omg this all I wanted lol! Tbh, Ive been better. I just started a new medication and adjusting is a lot harder than I anticipated. Plus I’m just under a lot of stress rn. And yes I have had mixed episodes before. They happened more when I was a child and I haven’t had one in probably about a year now. But I always know that they’re confusing for me bc I’m sure what to feel or how to react to them. I usually get very anxious and upset while having no energy and just being very sad. 

I tend to actually eat less when I’m manic, I think that I don’t need it or I’m just not hungry. Any extreme emotion that I feel, I tend to stop eating. I have a very hard time reminding myself to eat and having an appetite for anything. And when I’m manic if I’m eating it’s usually crap like fruit roll ups and hot cheetos. 

Actually it does! When I’m manic I tend to be braver and have a tendency to go up to more people and order my food and drinks with little to no hesitation. When I’m depressed and/or anxious it can get really bad. to the point where I won’t want to leave my house if I know I’m gonna be around people. I have a hard time going into stores or taking care of things at my school that I need to. 

I actually am! I’m reading The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur! and I love it! it’s a collection of her poems and I mean she is just amazing! I also follow her on IG!

Yellow, blue, green

No, unfortunately, a lot of my friends at the moment are ignoring me and so I have no one to talk to or hang out with. 

and thank you! you have a good day too!! Thank you for the ask, it helped distract me for a bit!

#actuallybipolar #ask #anon #pocbipolar

[mentallyillblog]

2/17/2021

At about 4:30 am I’m woken up by the cat meowing loudly under the bed beneath our heads. The partner was woken up too and was NOT happy. Immediately they’re yelling at the cat to shut up and trying to find him to kick him out of the room. Apparently he was under their head under the bed. Outside the room the cat continues meowing. The partner gets up and angrily feeds him hoping he’ll be quiet but that’s not really what he wants.

-

I think he has some separation anxiety and if we’re asleep or in the other room too long he starts meowing. On top of being very vocal in general.

-

He doesn’t stay quiet for that long. But it was long enough for us to start falling back asleep which was even more frustrating. The partner says he has to go, they can’t handle it anymore with their mental health and preexisting sleep problems.

At this point after the yelling and meowing I just get up. I’m crying, worried my crying is going to upset the partner, worried about how mad they’re getting at the cat, wondering what do I do about the cat, what if my friend wont take him back upstairs...

So it’s ~5am and I’m sitting by myself in the dark in the living room. Crying, of course. Listening to a podcast (Hey Riddle Riddle) and playing games on my phone.

My presence keeps the cat mostly quiet.

I had an appointment at 9am with a NP at my new Dr’s office. She was nice but I got bad news. Their wait list for individual therapy is as long as 6 months because of the pandemic. I feel like I’m dying, like I can’t make it that long.

My partner wakes up right before the appointment and from the moment I’m free to talk they’re talking about how anxious they are about going to work, then how they have to quit the job (it was their first day) because they’ll get paid too much and lose SSI which they’re not stable enough rn to get off of. Then they switch to talking about their desire to go to school which leads to ruminating about their parents and all the negative they’ve done. I don’t even have the energy to respond with my stuff already on my shoulders I just feel the weight pulling me down to the floor. Like I was literally bent over in my chair, head in hands or laying my head on the desk.

-

I get a call from someone in the behavioral health dept. at my dr’s to figure out my options. It comes down to having to still find someone by myself but doing only 12 sessions w/ them in the mean time. The quickest way I can get any kind of support without waiting months without anything. I feel hopeless but I guess it’s something.

-

After they left I went to sleep, exhausted after the emotional toll of everything plus getting up at 4am.

-

My friend was supposed to be bringing me money for cat stuff. But I didn’t hear anything from her all day. Once I woke up I texted her again and I find out she didn’t go to the bank but had a panic attack at work. But since the morning I had been trying to tell her I needed to talk to her about the cat and it kept being skirted around, so I unleashed it a little on her.

My partner is no longer willing to keep the cat down here. I can’t handle the mental instability the cat is increasing in my partner and I don’t know what to do.

She took the cat. I don’t know if she’s still going to pay us back for the cat stuff.

I miss the cat :(

-

I end up on the phone with my dad because I was a wreck after bringing the cat upstairs. I find out his leg he previously had surgery on might be infected (swollen and hurting, can’t remember if he said red).

Then the partner comes home. Clearly not okay. I faintly smell something I suspect to be alcohol but I’m not sure so I just keep an eye and ear out for things to escalate. They gradually start acting weird and getting loud so I get off the phone because I’m too anxious to talk and I need to figure out what’s going on. And I’m right. They bought a 40oz and downed it on the way home because the day really didn’t work out and they’ve been near a relapse recently. Apparently they called me to stop themselves, but bc I was on the phone I didn’t answer. I can’t feel guilty about that though. There’s no way I could’ve known and it wasn’t my responsibility.

The rest of the night was a roller coaster. They were on discord being loud and weird, and I kept hearing them say fuck you to people. Then they’d go into a manic “goofy” (it was uncomfortable but that’s the best word) mood. Then a drop into depressive apologizing or self-deprecating and crying even.

-

How the fuck am I supposed to handle a relapse while I can barely function every day.

I try to maintain composure as much as possible so they have less swings.

-

Finally they get in bed. And they call me in again. Needing to self-deprecate again and tell me that they’re a loser and I can do better. They’re dragging me down. They’re sorry. They love me. I just want them to go to sleep.

I contain myself. I keep them calm by being playful. I slip away so they’ll go to sleep.

I’m emotionally exhausted and I miss what could’ve been my cat.

#journal #2/17/21 #mental health #tw: alcoholism