#the only thing stopping me from purchasing the game for myself is knowing i'd have to play toma's route to unlock ukyo's

[youredreamingofroo]

Goodbye? I don't think so. I hope not. A very, very long rant about storage (🙄), simblr and whatever the fuck else I go on about for a few paragraphs. Skip to the end at the gold text for a more.... "definitive" answer. Especially if you want to skip the nitty gritty and sappy wappy.

i dont know what to do anymore, I freed up 18 GBs of space it all managed to go down the drain in literally an hour, Im moving my blender things to my external HDD, because that alone is 20 GBs (because of Scene sizes), I just hate to free up the space because I dont want it to go right back down. This all sucks cuz I really really enjoy being on Simblr, but sims 4 just continues to be a nuisance, whether its actual problems or its storage problems, it just always finds a way, every year, to get me to suddenly decide that im retiring until my next bout of Sims 4 hyperfixation. I love all of you guys and I love seeing how you all enjoy my work, and what I do, and I love seeing your stuff, you all make such amazing creations, granted if I stopped playing TS4, it wouldnt mean I have to stop interacting on simblr, it just wouldnt be the same. A pattern I notice anytime I start a social media platform, is that something always finds its way into completely demotivating me from posting, whether it's just literal lack of motivation, depression, realizing a project is too vast for me, storage problems, it's always something and it's always when I finally get comfortable or happy on a platform, especially after making friends, not that im saying my friends are one of the reasons I leave, thats far from it. I REALLY dont wanna take a break from Sims 4, I really really genuinely wanna start posting my story (W.A.S), but I'm not like a Sims 4 youtuber, I can't remain dedicated to one game, I play other games, I wanna play the Witcher games (or at least try to play them, I kinda suck rn), I wanna finish Detroit become human, I want to 100% Beyond two souls (and DBH), I wanna finish Disco elysium (started and never fucking finished 💀), I want to play Baldur's Gate 3, I mean, I purchased it at full price and I can't even play the game??... 😮‍💨 You get the point. At this point I wouldn't consider this a "goodbye," note, not... necessarily? I just get so frustrated having no storage, not to mention the fact that I need storage to literally do the stuff I do, like make edits, make poses, make renders, so the fact that I can't even do that, is just like... what's the point of even having Sims 4 anymore at that point? But I don't wanna leave simblr, I don't want to stop creating. It's funny, as I write this, I continue to give myself more and more of a reason to leave, the only real thing that's stopping me is just the fact that there's so many nice people here, I know that if I stopped playing the sims 4, I'd probably move onto another game (BG3................,,,,,..) and leave tumblr, or, at least leave Simblr. Which as I (think) said before, that's sad, I'd be sad, I'd miss people like Lori (groovetrys) and Lauren (miralure), June (circusjuney), Jade (gamyrmaiden), Anna (holocene-sims), butter (buttertrait), Fae (acuar-io), Verco (vercosims) and god, so many others, and sorry to break the atmosphere suddenly, but as I'm writing this, I'm listening to "In another life," from Everything everywhere all at once and it's making this very emotional for me, so if it gets sappy I apologize.

And I guess to be... insanely honest, as much as I want to release my story (trust me, I REALLY want to), I'm slowly beginning to realize more and more how not-easy it's gonna be to make scenes, writing it is fine for me, its just setting up the scenes feels like i'm forbidden to a life of staring at a bunch of words (pose names) trying to figure out what's what, where is what, what to do, where is where, who is who, who is what, how is what, how and why, need I continue. Storytelling is so insanely important to me, I believe that despite how little I read and despite how terrible of a student I have been, and despite how poor my literature skills are, that storytelling is still so important, fuck it, poetry has been such an inspiration for me, but I don't fucking know how to write poetry?? I can barely understand poetry at times, but it's still all so beautiful to me, the concept and the fact that people use metaphors so meticulously to create an allegory for something beautiful, or traumatic or sad, like in not so berry, the concept of an ocean being alexanders "love," and cataleya drowning in it, and her realizing she's drowning in his "love," but when she wants to leave, she really wonders if she actually wants to leave, to conceptualize and create this awful relationship in the means of an ocean is so... well, not beautiful in a reality sense, but in a technical/literary sense, it's beautiful, it's expression, and THATS what im passionate about. Remember what I said about getting sappy? Yea, sorry about that. After a while, I wonder what good repeating myself does, I've said about 5 or 6 times that I don't want to leave, yet here I am, with the mouse over the uninstall button like an idiot about to press the big "DON'T TOUCH" button, perhaps it's the idea that after repeating myself over and over again, that maybe I'll make up my mind, do I do a coin flip? I never listen anyways, I always continue to flip until it lands on what I like. So... why am I still writing? To be honest, I should've stopped by now, but you can only stop a dam so much before it all comes out. I do this with my friends, when I'm sad, I pour my heart out until it's a repetitive and overcooked version of "I'm sad." I write paragraph after paragraph and I literally could've just said "I don't have storage. Considering leaving simblr," and the same message would've gotten across, and I apologize, if you're still reading this, for making such a lengthy post, but I couldn't quite help spilling a bit of water everywhere, although I guess now my little puddle of water has become a flood. I use metaphors a lot, I apologize... again.

So what does all this bullshit that I typed out mean?

I don't know. I wonder the same myself, I'm fighting a battle more fierce than the one I had with my period last week, "Do I uninstall Sims 4 so I can have more freedom, and enjoy more content? or do I continue this rigorous battle of needing storage for the sake of a tumblr page, my enjoyment for writing and other shit I do in the sims 4?" I cannot say I will take a hiatus, because I will procrastinate, and I will forget completely about posting, and tumblr in general. I do still, at the very least, want to release my Official Teaser for my story, whether it be my last post or not, and at the very least, I want to introduce you to the characters, whether it be my last post(s) or not. Not to mention the fact that I want to continue sharing about Roo even if it's not about sims 4 anymore, I mean hell, I haven't even finished off the Leo and Roo part of his timeline.

For an INCREDIBLY watered down answer on whether or not this is goodbye, I say to you, not in this moment, not definitive enough for you yeah? Well, that's the thing, I don't have a definitive answer, you could fucking tear apart this entire college essay mat-pat style, and still not have a definitive fucking answer, and that's because I don't, sorry to all the people who don't want to listen to me rant or who want a clear answer, but I just don't have one. I've been known to make impulsive and on the whim (when I'm really emotional) decisions, and this is a situation where I don't want to do that, because I care about what I have here with ya'll.

If this ends up being one of my last posts, I bid you all adieu, I love you all, and I thank you so so so much for the laughs, and for the mutual connection we may or may not have had, I do not know if I'll make any actual posts for the next few days as I consider my decision, I will float around of course and continue reblogging this and that, and commenting and liking, etc etc. There's also a chance I may wake up tomorrow and look at this and think I was just being overly emotional about this stuff, and that now I look like an idiot, which is the case 9 times out of 10.

#If you read all of this. Thank you #if you read a little bit of this. Thank you #if you read only the gold text. Thank you #terrible time to mention this but I can't believe I'm leaving right before I hit 100 followers. A milestone I've been waiting to hit. #what a... sort of cruel joke my mind and laptop has done to me yeah? #I should've spent this time playing the Witcher but now it's 1 AM and I'm tired #Once again. Thank you. #yapping

[cafalla]

Starlog Magazine (December 1995, Issue #221) Scans

It's been a while since I posted about a scanning project. The most recent magazine I scanned was this Starlog Magazine from December 1995!

Starlog originally started out as a Star Trek magazine, but evolved to include all things sci-fi, fantasy, and nichely nerdy. I don't think nichely is a word, but hey, this is my blog and I say and do what I want lol.

Here are some scans I like from the magazine! There is also a link to the full magazine at the end of the post if you're interested in seeing the whole thing!

Let's start off with this subscription form for the magazine.

This takes me back. The thought of filling out a form and mailing it in to purchase a magazine subscription feels so alien now (haha).

I also wanted to point out Robocop, one of my boyfriend's (and my dad's) favs! I actually only recently saw the movie for the first time with my boyfriend, and it was so fun and surprisingly gorey! I wasn't expecting it at all. For some reason I thought the movie was silly and campy? And I mean it was, but the blatant gore and body horror that would come out of nowhere was so shocking to me!

---

Speaking of filling out mail-in forms to make purchases, this magazine is full of them! Mainly they're for merch and memorabilia. Here are a few of my favorites.

This selection doesn't even include all of the things available to buy from the magazine. I think my favorite are the audio cassettes/CDs and the Star Trek face t-shirts. The pin collector in me also admires the page of Star Trek pins.

The signed movie and tv photos page is SO interesting, too. I wonder how they decided the prices for each celebrity? Part of me can't imagine these are real, but if I was a celeb...I certainly would take 1 second to sign a photo if it was being sold for $40 and I got some kickback lol.

If you could have one of the singed photos from a celebrity on that list, who would it be?

I'd have to pick Gary Sinise!

---

There are actually quite a few story articles in this magazine. Each have around a 3-6 page spread full of pictures - they're quite fun to look at! Here are some of my favorite pages from the various articles.

I really enjoy how they all have drastically different color backgrounds.

The cover article about how Toy Story was created/animated is cool! I picked this page because I love watching how animators work, especially when they use themselves as reference (like in the above pic).

---

Lastly, just a couple of random parts from the magazine that interested me.

One was this article about a fantasy fiction author.

The article included many different covers of her books. I wish these could've been in color! I've never read older fantasy adventure novels, but these all looked super appealing to me. I'll have to keep an eye out for some of her books while thrifting.

During the scanning process, I spend a lot of time looking at the front and back covers of the books/magazines I'm scanning. I found myself absolutely enthralled with the back cover of this magazine.

Something about the colors, art, and design just piqued my interest while scanning. I've never heard of this game, much less played it, but I do want to know more about it! I'll probably see if there's a let's play online.

Gosh this is such a cool looking ad for this game. I'm sure the game itself is probably nothing great, but this ad sure is great to look at.

As always, you can view the full magazine for yourself over on my Internet Archive account.

Thanks for stopping by!

#txt #scans #my scans #nostalgia #vintage #magazine #magazines #1995 #starlog #starlog magazine #star trek #x files #the dig #toy story #robocop #the tomorrow people #cybertech pd #90s

[smooth-boob]

⭐ !!!

Fanfic Writers: Director's Cut Game

Thank you for sending this, and once again I am literally so sorry, but this is just going to be a long diary entry about The Bustle in a House, a Bridgerton fic I wrote, particularly the epilogue. My inner monologue is loud, and normally it's just me in here! Apart from being unhinged in tags, I don't post a lot of personal things on here, but I have something to say!

I feel like I talk about The Bustle in a House a lot on here, and in terms of hits/kudos/statistics, it's not one of my most popular fics (I mean, it's not shippy and it's aggressively sad, so I get it lol), but it was really a breakthrough story for me! Link at the bottom for shameless self promo, woo.

It's funny, looking at my google docs now, I guess it only took me six weeks to write, but it was literally all I thought about for those six weeks. I was scratching at the walls of my enclosure writing this thing. Apart from a couple Bridgerton one-shots and a quickly abandoned fic, I hadn't written almost anything on my own in such a long time. It was also emotionally charged and gritty and I was so impatient to get the story out but I needed to get it out the way that felt right.

Beyond that, I struggle(d) to write complete stories that aren't just scenes stitched to each other. Honestly, Bustle is still like that, but it all stitches together very nicely if I do say so myself. Still, I had been agonizing a little bit over the fact that I didn't know how the fic was going to end. I couldn't keep writing it forever...I mean, I guess I could, because it's really not that long, and there's actually more of it in my drafts, but I was trying to tell a very particular story and also have I mentioned that I am impatient? But the story didn't have an end because it's an origin story about unhealed trauma, so what was I going to do with that?

So, at least to give myself a bookend to the real story, I wrote the epilogue. I wrote it in a thirty-minute fit of inspiration one evening while tipsy on red wine, sitting at a desk in my parents' house where I'd been living for about three years because y'know, pandemic, and I was feeling trapped and burnt out and indecisive and afraid, etc. and if you read it, you might see me staring at you through Anthony, wink wink. (Quick caveat that, unlike Anthony, living with my parents was an overall loving experience at that point in my life!)

Anyway, in true Hemingway spirit, I wrote drunk, and when I went to edit sober, I was delighted that it didn't need much help. I obsessed over details, like changing scotch to whisky and then to brandy (it's sweeter, and he's so young). This is not to say that the epilogue is perfect; it's not, but it is what it needed to be.

It is a love poem of a kind for a character that hit me hard. It's a short prose poem about grief and loneliness and the 'wrong' ways to heal and it's about thinking you're at the acceptance stage of grief but really it's just depression. It's about losing parts of yourself and coming of age into something that doesn't feel right but feels inevitable, and so you stop fighting and just get on with it. It's about the before, and Anthony not knowing that he has an after and eventually, yes, years later eventually, he's going to be okay. More than okay, he's going to be happy.

(And he only has a year until Doing The Voices, and I let him be happy for at least a few nights in that! He doesn't know that he's doing the right things when taking care of his family. Not always, but more than he knows he is.)

As for me, I moved out of my parents' house and into my own newly purchased 'bachelor lodgings' (so to speak) about a month after I posted the last chapter, and I'm writing more than I have in years! Baby steps! Adult steps!

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk/therapy session. Probably no one should ask me anything else for a while lmao, who knows what will happen!

Read The Bustle in a House on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47126467

Or if you don't feel like being sad, read Doing The Voices instead: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47976274

#.braindump #i have written you...an opera...

[notnatawree]

hummingbirds

i've had several guitars in my life. pink glittery electric guitars, regular old brown acoustics, bass guitars with tortoise pickguards, black and white fender stratocasters.

my first guitar, that was really my own, and felt like a huge purchase - was a black epiphone hummingbird acoustic guitar. i remember when my parents bought it for me when i was in the fifth grade. gibson hummingbirds were all the rage with the 2010s pop girls, and i too wanted to strum a guitar with a pretty, illustration on the side. and black, of course, because i was just a little bit emo at the time and everyone had to know that i was angsty as i played safe & sound from the hunger games soundtrack.

i played a lot as a kid. i'd sit at the kitchen table with my dad and he'd show me how to play the songs that i requested. i admired his ability to listen to a song & have a complete tab written by memory in ten minutes. i stopped playing when i stopped having a dad (that's a joke; he's still alive). i guess you can say i stopped playing when i stopped having a dad who was present.

i'll dabble, even now, when i don't have fake nails on and when i want to relive angst. when i listen to a powerful noah kahan song and i want truly feel it within as i strum a guitar.

---

i am an internet lurker. but there's my daily lurks, and my weekly lurks, and my occasional "i haven't lurked in a while and i am really bored right now, so i guess i'll lurk" lurks. my dad & his wife fall into the final category. i don't care to check their pages often, but sometimes i'll start searching a page that started with "ju" and a suggestion pops up and i'm left with no choice but to take a look.

my dad's wife is now a realtor, and i'll give her credit for trying. trying is all you can really do in this world. do i wish for her success? of course no. do i, logistically, and from a strategical business standpoint, believe she will be successful? no. but good for her, allegedly. since she's attempting to enter the real estate world, she's probably taking suggestions from the leading changemakers in the real estate world: take social media by storm & build a following & in term build credibility through likability and relatablility and your sales will come in in virtually no time. life's such an easy things to read.

she posted a "tiktok" of sorts to her instagram page. a 30 second clip with the words "how we get to 10,000 steps a day" and it's a video of her and my dad circling around their living room in a musical chairs fashion while my dad plays guitar and sings along to some blues-y song from the 1970s that i've definitely heard but couldn't name.

gross and performative is my initial reaction to seeing such post. but i look closer at the guitar my dad's holding - a hummingbird.

it's a popular guitar, but i remember he thought it looked cool when i got mine and he'd play it from time-to-time. he liked the way it felt & it played. he liked the acoustics of the guitar.

i don't have moments where i consider whether or not people think about me. i think about others all of the time. whether they are in my life currently, or they only exist in my past. i think of my ex boyfriends often. i think of my ex best friend daily. i think of my dead loved ones here and there. i think of this random guy i went on three dates in january a couple times a day (you're still hot to me).

but to think that i exist in people's memories is so far-fetched. it's hard to imagine someone might see something and might think of me. it's easier to envision erasure. it's easier to envision i world in which i only exist in the perception of myself and those in my immediate circle. and when our connections cease, so does everything related to me in their understanding of the world.

tbc

[bylightofdawn]

I managed to survive another day of work though for a while there I wasn't sure that was going to happen. I also discovered this sizeable fraud trend with this fraudster submitting the same docs across different accts with hi same but differing SSN's. I am not kidding when I said I had to go through like 20+ orders checking if the ID submitted as the same one. Thankfully most were marked for fraud due to the correlated fraud on the name but four absolute braintrust agents signed off on that shit and I had to close 4 accts at like 9:30. So I didn't get off till like 10:15.

Bro these meds are fucking with me so hard. Today I've had blurry vision all day long. Which is apparently a known side effect of the meds. Combine that with my weird balance issues, the bought of random dizziness and light-headedness and I'm just ready to throw in the towel and request my doc sends a different script with hopefully less side effects.

Which at this point I feel like a record on repeat with my whinging.

In other news I got approved for a Playstation credit card so I'm going to purchase the MWII PS5 when it comes in the mail. I was TRYING to get it taken care of now because PlayStation has this amazing special of them giving a 125 account credit if you spend 500+ but that special is expiring today which is sad cause that was a nice little rebate. But....it is what it is. I just hope the MWII bundle doesn't go up in price. I'm mainly getting that because it has the game and that's like what? 65 bucks?

I'm high key hoping the games I bought through the PlayStation store on my PS4 will transfer to the PS5 but I'm not too hopeful. I know my Borderlands 3 copy will. Not sure about Tiny Tina's assault on dragon keep.

A part of me is concerned about getting a new credit card but I COULD have used affirm and paid out over 6 months but those loans always stress me out. I did it for my last two Hot Toys purchases and was able to make the payments on time but I just stress all the same.

And this playstation card is only being used for this purchase. I might add Jedi Survivor since I don't think it's going on sale any time soon and holy shit the second market on PS5 games is a scam. A used MWII was like 55 bucks so ten dollars off the new version of the game. Ya'll are tripping.

And in other, other news I am still super bored with my hair. I've been watching too many Brad Mando videos and this one DIY YTber who has the most gorgeous hair that kinda ranges from a super pale gray with a hint of lavender to a more steel lavender color. It's gorgeous. I have also never bleached my hair aside from getting some highlights.

But I was kinda pinteresting and found a couple of stunning examples that I kinda want to try out

This is like a silvery ashy gray but there's a dark purple shadow root which looks awesome but I'd prolly be better off going to something closer to my natural color.

Not to that extreme and I'm not even sure a shadow root is a thing you can do on a pixie like mine. But it definitely evokes something in me.

It's not so extreme either though a lot of work places don't care about crazy hair color, especially call centers and if I had to in a pinch I'm sure I could go to the hair dresser and just have them tone to a pale ash gray. And honestly? I've never seen myself as a blonde. I'll prolly have to go see Juan about the vinyl decals so I might stop my old boss's sister's hair salon which is attached to the shop Juan took over.

I am not in a rust to get this done but I am super strongly considering it.

Okay I am closing out tumblr and I'm going to work on this damned fic. Not chance in hell it gets finished tonight but any progress I can make is something that inches me closer to completion.

#life of el #this is a very rambling post

[galaxsims-x]

                “I have lost count of the number of times I’ve met you and lost you.”

#ts4 edit #ts4 #ts4 screenshots #amnesia memories #amnesia ukyo #ts4 anime #back at it again with the anime sims #because i am ... a weeb #i was in a sim making mood today #my favorite character in the game and one of my favorite characters eVER #his route is just so heartbreaking #the only thing stopping me from purchasing the game for myself is knowing i'd have to play toma's route to unlock ukyo's #and toma grosses me out majorly lmao #anyway #i took a lot of pictures of him in different outfits and things #so maybe i'll post those someday as well #maybe i'll make the other characters too #🤔

[ikevamp-shrine]

Hmm so i just had this idea, can i please request a drabble when when mc and dazai had their 'first time' ?? Naturally it would be a smut lol but i'd really appreciate it if you throw in some fluffs too, because i think making love with dazai is more goofy than a serious one! Thank you so much if you do this :)

Author: @ikevamp-shrine​

Fandom: Ikemen Vampire

Character(s): Dazai, MC

Pairing: Dazai x MC

Words: 2072

Warnings: nsfw, vaginal penetration, Dazai being Dazai

Notes: So since this request says mc I’m gonna assume its referring to the in game female MC. Anyways, thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy and forgive me for just now answering your ask. (please don’t think I’m ignoring any request that has been sent in, I just haven’t gotten around to them- they will be done at some point.)

Preview: 

He traced his thumb over her bottom lip, rounding over the dip, pulling the plush pad of pink down from between her teeth. He glances up; the playful gaze gone from his eyes, instead replaced with the low burning of sizzling embers and wanton lust. He breathed in quick; her scent invaded his senses making him high on her. “Giving in to our most carnal desires, my dear.”

She swallowed thickly forcing his eyes to follow the movement of her throat. He smirked tensely. The tip of pulsating fangs caught the light as they slid from his gums. Dazai laughed lowly, his fingers wrapping around the exposed skin of her neck.

“Do you have any- “his yellowed eyes met hers, and suddenly he was all she could see- “idea... what I want to do to you?”

She opened her mouth to respond only to be cut off by a voice she had never heard the man before her use. Dangerous, lethal, lustful- a trickster warning those of his true power. “Do you have any clue to how hard it is to restrain myself from piercing your skin right now and claiming you as mine?”

“Dazai.”

He hums in response to her shaky voice, completely captivated by the parting of her lips as his face reveals nothing but an internal battle within himself. She gasped when his fingers find purchase on the soft curve of her hips, bringing their bodies flush together with a tug.

“What are we doing?” A bite of her lip has Dazai trembling.

He traced his thumb over her bottom lip, rounding over the dip, pulling the plush pad of pink down from between her teeth. He glances up; the playful gaze gone from his eyes, instead replaced with the low burning of sizzling embers and wanton lust. He breathed in quick; her scent invaded his senses making him high on her. “Giving in to our most carnal desires, my dear.”

She swallowed thickly forcing his eyes to follow the movement of her throat. He smirked tensely. The tip of pulsating fangs caught the light as they slid from his gums. Dazai laughed lowly, his fingers wrapping around the exposed skin of her neck.

“Do you have any- “his yellowed eyes met hers, and suddenly he was all she could see- “idea... what I want to do to you?”

She opened her mouth to respond only to be cut off by a voice she had never heard the man before her use. Dangerous, lethal, lustful- a trickster warning those of his true power. “Do you have any clue to how hard it is to restrain myself from piercing your skin right now and claiming you as mine?”

“I-.” She furrowed her brows, completely at lost as to what to say.

His grip on her throat tightened as Dazai loomed over her form, his wispy breaths of whispers tickling her ear like a lonely breeze. “I want you. All of you.”

He rested his cheek on her shoulder, glancing up at her wavering eyes with need, continuing, appearing vulnerable and innocent, “you want me to... don’t you?”

She nodded, not trusting her words.

Dazai pulled away, completely ridding the girl of his touch as her hand twitched, raising to grab at the thick fabric of his clothing. He grabbed her hand, tsking while murmuring, “I’m going to need a verbal consent to be sure you understand what you’re getting yourself into.”

She panted, her eyes pleading and hands shaking. “Please Dazai. I need you.” His jaw clenched. “Did you know I’m a selfish man, my dear? I will not share.”

She pulled him to her. His silken hair dangled in the air, his hands slammed on either side of her head against the wall she was pressed to, steadying himself. Their foreheads touching, breaths mingling, and hearts yearning.

She gasped for air, her want building to unimaginable heights, “be selfish then. Take me and keep me as your own.”

Dazai stilled, his face dropping and tone depressed. “That’s unfair. You know I can’t resist when you say things like that.” He shook his head, a devilish smile appearing, his features morphing into fox like proportions.

“Ask and you shall receive, my dear,” he paused his words to lift the woman up, turning towards the bed, her legs wrapping tightly around his waist, “after all- “he laid her down on his sheets, gently tracing the buttons on her blouse, popping one open at a time- “I am nothing more than a poor writer pleased to be a servant to someone as radiant as you.”

Dazai’s lips caressed the soft skin of her exposed stomach. Chills rose along her flesh as his finger ran over the curve of her thigh, his body moving over her, his kisses leaving a burning path down her body. His hand wrapped under her knee, kneading slowly. Pushing her leg in the air, Dazai watched as her skirt slipped down the limb. His other hand gripped her hip. His face went blank. His glowing, yellow eyes observed the flush of her skin, the reddening marks he left on her stomach, the heave of her breasts that began to spill out of the cups of her bra, the plush of her lips, and the blatant need in her eyes. His head tilted. Silky bangs hiding one side of his face. He whispered, “say my name.”

She shivered when his tongue met the sensitive expanse of her calf, lapping slowly up to her ankle. “Dazai.”

His fangs nibbled at her toes; her shoes previously discarded on the floor. MC gasped, her leg jerking at the ticklish sensation.

“Who do you belong to?” Dazai growled lowly, his eyes flashing.

MC moaned as his teeth dug into the front of her ankle. “You, you- only you.”

Dazai hummed, his eyes drifting closed as he opened himself to the intense emotions and rising tension. Muscles twitched under his mouth as he tracked back down her leg, his hand sliding from her hip to the waist band of her skirt, tugging the fabric off and tossing it to the floor. Opening his eyes, lids hooded with lust, the writer inhaled sharply at the spread of her hips before him. Her hands gripped at his sheets when he descended upon the growing wet spot on her panties.

She stopped breathing, her breath catching in her throat, when the male flattened his tongue over her clothed entrance; his moan vibrating through her at the taste. Her knees bent over his broad shoulders- broader that what they appeared. She felt his muscles tense and ripple as he sucked and licked at her through her underwear, his saliva mixing with her damp want. Her legs began to tremble when sharp teeth bit the cloth of her panties; her heart fluttered dangerously as Dazai pulled them off with his lips.

He looked utterly feral as he rose above her, regal even. Majestic, powerful. Like a snake slithering around its prey, soon to wrap around its form and swallow the defenseless creature whole. Dazai flicked his tongue out to lick over the glimmering points of his fangs, still tasting MC on his lips. His skin appeared to shimmer in the candle light, his pupils dilating and nostrils flaring as he nuzzled his face into her inner thigh. His breath fanned over the apex of her thighs, his low laugh shifting through the air when he saw her clench with excitement.

“Look at how obedient you are being. Spreading yourself just for me… I might just give you a reward.” They met gazes; she felt dizzy.

Dazai’s fingers dipped into her, coating the digit as she groaned. He curled inside of her, his jaw clicking at the tightness. He already knew he would struggle with not being completely consumed by the thought of her. He pumped slowly, building her up only to push himself knuckles deep, adding another finger. She moaned louder at the sudden stretch.

Dazai’s brows furrowed with concentration and MC barely heard him speak.

“I hope the walls are thick.”

She panted, confused. “W-what?”

He glanced back up at her reddened face, murmuring, “I hope the walls are thick or our neighbors will hear every pretty moan of yours.”

Her eyes widened when he reached above her head, knocking on the wall, mind blanking as she watched the writer smile expectantly at the barrier behind her. Another knock sounded back making her blood run cold.

Dazai shifted his gaze back down at her, smirking flippantly at her baffled expression. “Not so thick after all, I guess.”

MC blushes, opening her mouth, huffing embarrassingly.

Dazai shifts, leaning back on his haunches, knees bent under him. He brings MC with him, pulling her to straddle his lap. His hands rests on her lower back as he watches her, amused at how desperately she tries to untie his clothing, her embarrassment forgotten.

Her hands shake, her whine tumbling past her teeth when the knot tightens instead of coming apart.

Dazai rubs his hands around the globe of her bottom, soothing her. The knot finally comes undone and MC slips her hands under his clothing, pushing the fabric back, relishing in the smoothness of his skin beneath her finger tips. His clothing pools on the bed, catching at his elbows making him appear as if he was a fertility god ripe for the taking.

With tensing muscles and sweat damp skin, Dazai crashes his lips onto hers, their tongues fighting for dominance. His fingers flex against her skin, his form flinching when he feels MC grip the heavy weight of his cock between her palm, pumping and squeezing. A breathless moan follows and Dazai’s head falls limp between the junction of MC’s shoulder as she jerks his manhood; her thumb rubbing over the sensitive slit, smearing what seeps out along the smoothness of his skin.  

His stomach tenses, his mouth pulled into a grimace. Dazai grips MC’s wrists, stopping her, whispering shakily, “easy. I want to make this last.”

He takes a nipple within his mouth. It pebbles between his teeth, darkening as she throws her head back, scratching her nails against his scalp. He reaches between them to rub the swollen head of his cock against her clit. Her wetness drips down her thigh, dampening the cloth still trapped around Dazai’s thighs.

“Damn it, stop teasing me,” MC groans out, frustrated and impatient.

“The best things come to those who wait,” Dazai grins.

She digs her nails into his nape in warning, forcing a hiss from the writer. He glanced up at her heated eyes, smirking impishly around her nipple.

He snorts. “Ok, ok. Stop abusing this poor man.”

She breathes heavily, his tongue lapping at her chest, moving up her collar bone; he sucks at the pulse of her neck as he pushes the tip of his cock into her sopping heat. MC whimpers.

Dazai’s arm cages her, wrapping around her middle, holding her still as he slips deep within her.

“Ah! Dazai...” MC mewls, hugging his shoulder as they begin to rock together.

The writer whines at the heat gripping his cock. They lose each other in themselves. Clawing at the other’s skin in hopes of leaving a mark. They become one; feeling their bodies slide against each other, their minds fuzzy and hearts entwining.

“My dear,” Dazai growls, his fangs dropping further than they had before, his throat screaming with the need for it to be cooled by the one he craves, “I need... please, let me.”

His head is pushed back into the curve of MC’s neck as she nods at his begging, knowing and willing for him to take what he wants.

Dazai places his lips loosely over her skin, lightly brushing her with his lips, kissing delicate flesh stained with effects of his actions. Allowing his teeth to scrape against her, his eyes shoot open when she moans out.

“-close,” she mumbles, her body tensing and back arching.

He feels the tight fluttering of her walls around him as he sinks his fangs deep within her skin, holding her tight so she doesn’t rip his fangs through her flesh while she bucks wildly; waves of pleasure crashing over her, overwhelming her, dragging her down the river of ecstasy. Dazai grunts sharply, pulling himself out of her warmth to spurt thick ropes of white along the quivering planes of her stomach. Rolling his hips in the air, Dazai’s illuminated eyes grow blurry; his mind suffocating with the pleasure and the taste of his lover.

He sucks once roughly, his brows pinching together, face pained. Slowly removing his long canines from MC when she stills; her back shivered, rising and falling quickly.

She exhales when his tongue, slick with her blood, laps weakly at the puncture wounds upon her neck, helping it to heal. Exhaustion seeps deep within her bones as they bask in the aftershocks of their love making, holding each other close, her head on his chest listening to the steady thumps of his heart.

“Still with me?” Dazai questions. Euphoria makes his voice heavy and lazy.

She nods.

Dazai uses his sleeve to wipe his cum from her skin, pressing their cheeks together. He tenderly strokes her spine as he takes in the warmth of her companionship. “Stay?”

MC falls back dragging Dazai with her. They both laugh as she digs her nose into the crease of his breasts. He kisses the top of her head when she responds, her voice thick with the need for rest, their legs tangling as they slowly drift off to sleep, “always.”

Tagging @dazaiswindow @alby-rei @gallifreysperfectrose @nishtharya @robin-the-enby for saying yes on my previous post

SHOTS MATERLISTS

MASTERLIST

ABCs SMUT MASTERLIST

#ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikemen series #ikevam #ikevam dazai #ikemen vampire dazai #ikevamp dazai #ikevam fanfiction #ikemen vampire fanfiction #ikevamp fanfiction #ikevamp fanfic #ikemen vampire fanfic #ikevam fanfic

[shinonometrash]

complaining about those who post CG from Voltage, but publish recorded video of the screen... How much hypocrisy... Mind your own business.

Boring! Just think about "likes". Always thinking about polemics to get attention. Not everyone who likes the game has money to spend. And these people are also part of the fandom, they are also important for the success of the game. Connect!

Just stop thinking about yourself and let people have fun.

Honey, I posted recorded videos that were free from Voltage for anyone who had the app, not paid content. Big difference compared to posting VIP room content worth $50+ and then having the audacity to add your own damn watermark, wouldn't you say?

You can be part of a fandom without seeing the premium content. There's a reason it's called premium and costs money. Sorry, but if you don't have the money that doesn't mean you're suddenly entitled to the content. I don't know why people seem to believe they are, especially when it comes to art. The most important thing here is that Voltage has explicitly asked us not to, and by posting things that is knowingly disrespecting their wishes. So, really, your personal opinion on the matter isn't relevant.

Always thinking about polemics to get attention? That...doesn't even make sense. Not sure how you got this "always" or sense that I'm doing this purely for attention, but I guess people will think what they want. I fail to see how this is me only thinking about myself, either.

"People having fun" is at the expense of Voltage. Stealing from a company is not supporting them. I don't think you'd feel so great about it if you put tons of effort into making something and selling it, only for people to plaster it on social media--resulting in people having no inclination to purchase those things. I'd suggest making sure to "Connect!" that there's real people with real bills to pay behind every piece of content. It's a job, not a hobby, they deserve to get paid.

Thanks for the bad take, though. It's great to know you approve of stealing artists' content (anonymously), of course. Boring!

#shinonometrash

[angelsswirl]

Vellichor

The One With Maya's Confession

Notes: If I don't write Vellichor chapters on slap happy whims at 3 am then who am i? Back to Jisoo next chapter! Only 4 (?) more chapters left in this series.😱 Also no one said anything so I assume we like the new format.

Rating: T+

Word Cnt: 1.5k

"They said, 'All teenagers scare the livin' shit out of me'. They could care less as long as someone'll bleed."

Lia eyed Maya oddly, she was letting Lia win at Mario Kart and she never let Lia win at Mario Kart. It was a sort of unspoken agreement they had. Maya won Mario Kart games on the Switch and Lia won FIFA games on the Playstation. It was the only way they could justify purchasing both high-end consoles.

If you asked Lia, she'd tell you that her and Maya had been forced into friendship almost like some sort of medieval betrothal. Their parents were best friends (though that was kind of hard to tell with the way Jisoo and Irene talked to each other) and they were the firsts born, so in their minds it was only natural that their offspring be besties too.

And sure, 19 years later it had worked out for the better. They really were best friends. They told each other everything (within reason).

When Lia had lost her virginity to the Cheerleading captain her junior year, she had practically called Maya before it was even actually over.

And when Maya had gotten peer-pressured by Ryland and Jesse to go to her first house party, then proceeded to get drunk like there was no tomorrow, she called Lia to come pick her up in fear that her mother would definitely murder her. Okay, she called Lia to come get Ryland and Jesse too, but it was mainly about her!

So, Lia knew that look on Maya's face. That look that said I have something I desperately need to get off my chest. That look that said listen and don't comment when I'm done. And it was serving to irritate her that Maya was holding out on her for so long.

"Just say it." Lia murmured just as a blue shell upended her go-kart.

Maya pursed her lips. She listened for their parents. Jisoo and Irene were busy in the bathroom of Lia's and Maya's apartment attempting to fix something they definitely did not know how to fix. She heard Irene curse and knew they would be in there for at least 45 more minutes.

"Hey uh, would you be mad if I slept with your sister?" Maya mumbled, she scratched at her chin awkwardly.

"No, but Taylor would probably beat your ass. And I'd just watch because you'd deserve it and it would be funny." Lia audibly giggled as she imagined the sight.

"...Not Ryland."

Lia's go-kart slowly came to a stop on the screen. And suddenly, Maya was winning again as she desperately pressed accelerate as if she would be able to physically drive away from this conversation.

Lia turned her head toward Maya slowly, "Peyton? My baby sister? My kid fucking sister, Peyton Kim? Who is a baby and a child and evil and younger than you? And - and a kid? That Peyton?! My baby sister?!" 

Both of them are losing at Mario Kart now.

"She's only a year younger than me. She turns 18 literally next week! Why are you so mad?" Maya claimed exasperated.

If Lia knew Maya's "We Need to Talk" look, then Maya definitely knew Lia's "Take a Five Second Headstart" look.

Maya stupidly doesn't take her headstart.

She isn't exactly surprised when Lia tackles her to the carpeted floor. She is surprised by her urge to fight back. She had never really been a fighter, but this feels different. This feels like she's fighting for her omega, which is stupid and out of left field and Peyton isn't even her omega, but she just can't help herself when her fist flies in the direction of Lia's temple.

It missed of course. Like she said, she's never been much of a fighter.

"Maya." Her mother's growl is enough to get her to stop squirming underneath Lia. She mewled and cowered a fair bit. She may be an adult but her mother's growl was literally never not going to terrify her.

Jisoo does the same thing to Lia, but she's just so mad and pent up and everything seems to be falling apart around her that she completely disregarded it.

Jisoo had to more or less put her in a headlock and yank her away from Maya to get her to relax.

"What the hell are you two fighting about?" Jisoo asked as she put Lia on the couch.

"Yeah, Maya what are we fighting about?"

"..."

"That's what I thought." Lia shook her head. She shrugged her mother off of her and hurried out of the front door.

Lia drove around for what felt like a good two hours before coming to a stop in front of a semi-familiar house.

She walked to the front door and knocked hesitantly.

Wendy opened the door with a surprised smile, "Oh, hey Lia. What are you doing here?"

What a great question.

"I-I-I don't know?"

Wendy's eyebrows furrow before she steps to the side. Inviting Lia in silently. Lia doesn't know how to express her gratitude without saying it.

Even though she should be, considering how often he does it at games and practice, she isn't expecting for the small ball of pent up boy energy to come flying at her legs in an attempt at a hug.

"Uh, hey kid." Lia patted him on the back awkwardly. Luckily, he doesn't seem to sense anything is off.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Wendy asked. And Lia could only blink in answer. Wendy was so nice and pretty and considerate and gorgeous. And Lia isn't sure what she ever could have done to deserve to bask in this woman's presence.

"Um, a glass of water would be nice." And Lia didn't plan on drinking it, but she didn't want to be rude. Wendy nodded and gestured for her to sit on the couch in the meantime. And Lia did without question.

Immediately, Kyle seemed to be bored with her presence and went back to doing whatever it was kids his age do when their parents aren't looking.

Wendy handed a glass of water to Lia and sat next to her on the couch.

"Do you want to talk?"

Lia counted the number of ice cubes in her glass exactly six times before speaking.

"I think my life is falling apart." Lia said, counting the ice cubes once more.

Wendy raised an eyebrow at the statement, "How so?"

"Oh. Easy! For starters, my parents haven't spoken to each other in a week and a half. My career was ripped away from me. And I think I just lost my best friend. Somehow, I can't help but feel like it's all my fault." Yes, she originally wasn't going to drink any of the water, but now she feels like she needs to down a few gulps after that revelation.

"Well, those first two things I can almost guarantee aren't your fault. Your parents problems are not yours. And by the way you've talked about them before, I think they'll be alright. Eventually. Also, you had no way of knowing you were going to get sick. Now as far as the last one, I'm going to need more information to explain it away."

"She slept with my sister and like any great alpha big sister, I attempted to kill her."

Lia frowned as Wendy started to laugh hysterically.

"Please don't laugh after I call myself a great alpha."

Wendy swiped at a stray tear, "Sorry but that's hilarious. You got mad at your best friend for sleeping with your sister? The sister who you said yourself has had a crush on said friend since she could walk? You're mad about the inevitable?"

"But-but she's my baby sister!"

"She's not your baby sister. She's your younger sister. Who is pretty much an adult and can make decisions for herself."

"But-"

"No. You've known both of them your entire life. You know that if they decide to date that your sister will be fine. And if something goes wrong, which I'm sure it won't. Maya definitely knows now that Peyton has an older sister that is willing to go to jail to protect her. On that note, I'm sure Ryland's mate knows that too."

"So, what you're saying is that one was my fault?"

Wendy rolled her eyes, "That's not the only thing, but sure."

Lia's nose scrunched up.

"What's this really about, Lia?"

"...I just feel like things are moving without me. Like I've got very little control over what's happening to me."

"That's not true. I'm sure you have the best control. Over a bunch of things that are meant to be controlled by you."

"You're just being nice."

"Maybe. But I'm also right. In fact, I'll prove it to you. Kyle has a boy scout meeting soon. You should stay over."

Lia thinks her throat just closed up. Despite, the fact that she cannot breathe, she manages to push out a response without any hesitation.

"Okay."

#jesssica's fanfic #blackpink fanfic #blackpink #jisoo fanfic #jisoo x reader #vellichor

[horrorkingdom]

The Satellite Images

A friend of mine showed me how to use Google Maps. I'm sure you've seen it. It lets you use satellite images to look at locations all over the world. A few years ago, I was in a car accident. Since then, I really don't leave the house that often. It's difficult, and the idea of a seeing a car drive by me makes me feel lightheaded. I was fascinated by the fact that I could see all over the world, almost like being there. I could virtually walk down the streets, and it almost felt like I was really there.

I became instantly hooked. It gave me a real eye on the world. I could go to almost any major city, and I did. I'd seen streets in China, Japan, Germany, and England... so many places. I'd even gone to tourist attractions like the Great Barrier Reef and Dracula's castle.

My favorite was to go to random places in major cities and see how many people and animals I could find. The faces of the people were always blurred to protect their privacy, but it was still enjoyable to see them out there, enjoying their life, walking like it was no big deal.

"She must have good taste," I laughed.

I zoomed in closer and noticed the grey bag she carried on a grey and purple shoulder strap. She was walking in a relaxed manner, one hand trailing the wall beside her. I bet if I could have seen her face, I would see that she was smiling. I began to feel a little sad. I let my hands fall onto the arms of my wheelchair and looked at her for a minute more. I wished that I could be there, walking so carefree with her. That wouldn't happen though, until I died. I was stuck in this chair. I sighed and zoomed out of Tokyo. Enough of this for tonight. I turned off the computer and went to bed.

—

I got up early and decided to look around Paris. Paris was always fun. I liked the look of the city, with all of the old, beautiful buildings and so many people to watch. I randomly zoomed to an area and saw a street, lined with old brick buildings, a few small shops, and an old tan brick church. Ahead was an intersection, and dozens of people walked by. A balding businessman walked quickly past, looking back at an old woman, hair covered with a scarf, carrying a large purse. A curvy woman in black pants that were too tight stared into a store window, and two women led a group of small children around a corner.

I spun the view around a few more times, and then saw something peculiar. Sitting on the bench at the bus stop, were two people. One of them was a young woman with her feet stuck in front of her in a relaxed manner. She was wearing a pair of red sneakers, like my own. I was startled for a moment; as I noticed the black pants, white t-shirt, and black hooded jacket. Her dark brown hair was tied loosely behind her head. A grey bag sat on the bench beside her, the shoulder strap hooked over her shoulder.

"This is crazy," I thought. "It can't possibly be the same woman. This is a different country, different continent even. How could it be her?"

This was stupid. It wasn't as if these were live photographs. They were taken ahead of time and then stored. It's not like she was in two places at once. She could just be a traveler. Besides, without seeing her face, it was impossible to tell it was the same person. Brown hair was probably the most common hair color in the world. Those red sneakers were something I purchased online. I'm sure a million other people did too. I shook my head and went to fix some lunch.

When I got back online, I decided to look at Berlin. I picked a random street, as usual. It looked pretty empty. There were brick buildings lining the streets, looking more like factories than anything else. There were also empty lots, full of long grass and piled gravel. There wasn't much to see at all, really. There was a line of motorbikes and a car with two German flags sticking up from it. After more searching, I found one kid. He looked like he was dressed for school, a jacket thrown over his bag. He was intently looking at some kind of mobile device. I was disappointed. I started to leave, but then I caught something out of the corner of my eye. I turned the view, and there they were. Those damned red sneakers.

She was standing on a street corner, next to some kind of signpost. She had a hand on the post, looking down the street, as if waiting to cross the street. I stared, in shock. How could she be there too? Even if she was traveling, there's no way I would find her every time. Even finding her in Paris would have been one heck of a coincidence, but this? This was crazy. Was this some kind of joke? Had Google decided to play a prank on its users that used their product so much? It would have been a great joke...

I did a quick search, looking for a note about a woman that shows up like Waldo. There was nothing. I looked through articles on strange things you can see on Google Maps, but none of them mentioned the woman that travels the world with you. This was crazy. Had my self-imposed isolation driven me mad? Had I become so lonely that I created a hallucination for myself?

Leaving the Berlin image on my screen, I sent a text message to a friend, asking him to look at the locations. I asked him if he saw the same woman. Then I waited, hands sweating, heart thumping in my chest. I jumped when my phone beeped with a return text message, ten minutes later.

The text read, "I see the lady you're talking about in Berlin. I didn't see her in Paris or Tokyo. Is this some kind of game, or what? Are you okay?"

I didn't respond, instead returning to the locations in Tokyo and Paris. There she was. She was there, but it was different. She no longer sat on the bus-stop bench, in Paris. She was standing in front of it, looking for something in her bag. In Tokyo, she was blocks away, squatting down to pet that calico cat. I shivered. Who was she? What was happening?

I switched the map to Brussels. It was another city street. It was lined with old looking buildings, with shops on the ground level, and what I guessed was apartments above. I quickly scanned the streets. They were empty, other than a stocky woman in a bright blue sweater. I did a second sweep. She wasn't there. I sighed in relief. I couldn't believe I was getting so worked up about this.

It was nothing but a coinci-- I stopped, my eyes frozen on the screen. There was a building at the point of a fork in the road, white with a black-ironwork-framed balcony jutting from the second floor. I hadn't seen her, as I had been looking at the sidewalks. There she stood, standing on the balcony, her head tilted in the direction of the camera, almost like she was coyly looking toward me. My breath caught in my throat.

I switched to Sydney. She was leaning against the wall, inside the doorway of a bright blue Carricks Pharmacy building. London showed her getting ready to step onto a red double-decker bus, her head turned to look over her shoulder. She was everywhere I looked. She stood on a brick sidewalk on a bridge in Venice, she walked across a yellow barred crosswalk in Zurich; and in Hong Kong, and she stood between a Wing Lung Bank and a McDonald's adjusting the strap on her bag. In each picture, she came closer and closer to looking directly at me with her blurred out face.

My heart felt like a terrified bird, slamming around inside my chest. I couldn't catch my breath. I wasn't sure what to do. I couldn't call the police. Should I send screenshots to Google?

I clenched my fists tightly and closed my eyes. Who was she? Was she following me? Was I following her? I wish I could see the expression on her face, know what she saw when she looked back at me. I wanted to get out of the chair and run. Why is it that the only thing that made me feel free again, was the thing that made me feel even more trapped? I had to know.

I typed in the name of my town and zoomed into a random street. It was a couple of miles from my house; the gates to the city park were shown in the clarity of daylight, despite it being night here. There she was. There... There she was. She was only a few miles from my house, standing under the ironwork arch that stated the name of the park. She looked directly at the camera, directly at me. I felt like I might throw up. She was near me, and she was watching me. She was coming for me. What did she want?

I typed in the name of the apartment complex where I live. I could see the outside of the building. The parking lot was full of cars, and there were a few blurred out children on the playground. I searched everywhere for her. She wasn't in the parking lot or on the sidewalks, not hiding between the buildings or standing in the playground. I even scanned each of the cars, behind the bushes, and each of the blurred windows. She wasn't there. I curled tightly around myself and lay my head down on the desk.

This place was safe. I didn't leave the apartment anyway. I would never use Google Maps again. I would never see her again. She could stay at the park for all I cared. I smiled to myself and was surprised to find a tear slipping down my face.

"I'm safe," I said to myself in a whisper. It felt good to hear it out loud. "I'm safe."

As I said it, there was a knock at the door. A chill ran down my spine. I had a camera hooked to my computer that showed who was at the front door, which made it easier for me, with my mobility issues. I slowly reached for the control to show myself who was outside, but my hand trembled furiously. As I touched the control, I realized my mistake. The last of Google's images that I'd seen had only shown the outside of the building. Just the outside.

I looked at the screen and saw a woman in a white t-shirt, black pants, black hooded jacket; and carrying a grey bag with a purple and grey striped shoulder strap. Of course, there were those red sneakers. She looked directly at the camera, her face still a complete blur. As I tried to stifle a scream, she raised a hand and knocked loudly on my front door.

#explore #beginner witch #spirituality #sigils #journal #creepy #creepypasta #horror #horror community #truefacts #true stories #follow #new to tumblr #scary stories #creepy photo #Reddit

[segernatural]

john green really be out here making things make sense

ive been obsessed with animal crossing lately--which is kind of unfortunate given my financial situation and inability to work due to being immunocompromised (not full on disability, but enough that there's no way i should be leaving my house)

i'm a university student and as such, despite wanting a switch for years, I've never taken the plunge into switch ownership because of time and cost--uni is a better investment.

but for some reason, this game has me in its clutches. I dont know why. I've never played AC on anything, and I wouldnt classify myself really as a video gamer. I game occasionally--i've sunk over a hundred hours into Twilight princess, bested many a mario games on my DS, pokemon pearl, and am always down for mario kart; but i'm not a "gamer" in my desire to play games--I enjoy watching others play more than i care to do so.

And somehow, new horizons has got me by the throat. ive been watching countless hours of playthroughs and been desperately looking around my area to see which stores have the game and console. I've even heavily debated purchasing a full switch vs the lite model (which, combined with the game, is 150 dollar difference). Now, i am in a spot where i could drop the 340 for it. Its just been hard to justify, especially given the circumstances.

And john mfing green finally offered me an explanation into why.

"I miss the luxury of caring about stuff that doesn't matter."

He's talking about sports here (which i can also relate to), and it really struck me because thats exactly what i am feeling. I miss being able to invest in something and it not being a matter of the world in its state right now. I miss being able to drown myself in anything but reality. I miss being able to turn off my brain and not feel the existential dread nipping at my heels, telling me whats the point of anything right now because the world is basically turned off.

But i cant do that. Because people are dying and scared and fighting, and my chest will sometimes just seize up because of how much this has been to deal with.

Its hard to be alone when all you do is overthink things--but i'd rather be here than surrounded by family who all wants something from me. Who wont respect my boundaries.

This past year has been a constantly circulating mess of an existance because i dropped the one thing i had invested in other than school--sports. My two favourite players were out for the season, so i stopped watching. And, taking a look now, i've been missing something to care about for a long, long time because of that. Its just been months and months of schoolwork and busy-ness and emptiness, cause theres no time for anything but classes.

And i'm so done with having nothing yknow. Theres only so much art i can do because i never want to force it. Summer courses are starting and all i feel is dread--i dont want to be swallowed by work and expectations and having nothing just for me.

so i think i'm going to do it. Regardless, itll make me happier. And i'll use it for years.

Thanks john. somehow, you always know exactly what to say.

Find something to invest in friends, itll help you from going too far off the rails. Take care💛

#char rants #vent tw #tw covid #ive just been feeling so empty without having a hobby and i didnt even notice it was tearing me apart #char speaks #animal crossing

[may85]

Title: Cross My Heart

Series: Country

Summary: Imagine Modern!Arthur, a Rancher, going out on a blind date for the first time in ages since his nasty divorce from Mary.

The Plus Size!Reader is nervous about the date. Will things work out between the two?

Pairing: Modern!Arthur x Plus Size!Reader

Game: Red Dead Redemption 2

Word Count: 1303

Warnings: Some cussing, nothing serious at the moment.

Notes: If you'd like to see something more in this series, please don't hesitate to drop me a line! Photos found on Google, aesthetic made in CollageMaker found in the Google Play Store.

Arthur slammed back his shot of whiskey, trying his best to calm his nerves. He wanted to run and forget about this whole thing… but he promised Sadie that he wouldn't bail. He thought back to the afternoon that he finally agreed to her stupid setup.

“No, goddamnit!” he cursed, throwing the bale of hay into the back of his pick up.

“She's a real sweet girl, Arthur!” Sadie argued.

“Who's a sweet girl?”

Arthur groaned when Kieran came over to help him finish loading his purchases.

“None of your damn business, boy!”

Sadie being Sadie continued the conversation, “Y/N,”

With a great heave, he and Kieran threw a bag of chicken feed in front of the hay, “Oh yeah! Y/N's a great lady, but what's she got to do with Arthur?”

Sadie stood with her hands on her hips, “I'm trying to get Grumpy Ass here to go on a date with her,”

Arthur was fed up with being ganged up on. He patted his wrangler jeans, searching for his keys. He glared at Sadie when he heard them jangle.

“Fork ‘em over Adler,”

She twirled the set and smirked, “Only if you promise to go out with Y/N,”

“Son of a- fine!” he growled, wiggling his fingers.

Triumphantly, Sadie grinned and chucked the keys to him, “Be at Charles’ bar Friday at 8… and take a shower, Arthur, or I'll sick Miss Grimshaw on ya,”

Arthur's eyes widened at Sadie's threat. Miss Grimshaw was his neighbor and he knew that she'd come a callin’ ready to smack the shit outta him, “You wouldn't dare,”

With her eyes squinted, Sadie bent at the waist, “Try me Morgan, try me.”

And that is what led Arthur to this… blind date. He gulped, feeling like a skittish horse.

“You need to slow down, my friend,” Charles said, taking the dirty shot glass from the bar.

Arthur sighed, “You know as well as I do that this is gonna end up bad,”

Charles shook his head, then looked over his shoulder. A small smile stretched across his lips as he jerked his chin towards the direction of the door, “You need to have some faith, Arthur,”

Arthur turned in his seat and could feel the breath leave his lungs.

The woman that had walked through the door was an absolute beauty. Her full figure filled out her purple plaid shirt and blue jeans. She wore boots, but he didn't linger too long on her shoes.

His eyes slowly moved back over her curves and he licked his lips, needing some moisture as his mouth began to feel like the desert. He watched her as she spoke to a waitress, which happened to be Mary Beth.

When his date smiled in thanks, he felt like the floor gave way. His chest ached and tummy rumbled at the foreign feeling butterflies. Even the spark that he felt when he met his ex wife wasn't that strong… and with that thought, he could feel his mood sour.

“Stop thinking about her and go over there to her,” Charles chided.

Arthur got off the stool and wiped his sweaty palms on his wranglers and straightened his shirt. With one last deep breath and putting Mary in the rearview, he made his way to the table where his date sat.

She was looking at the small menu when he stopped at the seat where he'd be sitting. Arthur cleared his throat, his voice deep with hesitation, “Y/N?”

She looked up from the menu and a soft, genuine smile lit up his whole world.

“You must be Arthur,” she rose and hugged him, which shook him to the core.

He gave her an awkward squeeze and pat on the back.

“I'm sorry. I'm a hugger,” she chuckled.

Arthur felt as though he was in a stupor. Everything about this woman so far had threw him for a loop. He shook himself mentally before he royally screwed this up.

“It's quite alright,” he said, with a chuckle of his own.

“It's nice to finally put a face with the name,” Y/N said, as they both sat down.

“Likewise,”

Mary-Beth came over to the table, grinning from ear to ear, “What can I get ya'll?”

“I'll have the pot roast and cornbread and a diet Pepsi,”

Oh god… that was his favorite.

Mary-Beth jotted that down and gave Arthur's foot a little kick for his staring, “And you?”

“Uh, I'll have the same. Beer for me, though,”

Mary-Beth winked and went on her way.

An awkward silence fell over the table, Arthur not knowing what to say. Y/N smiled, sensing his nervousness, “I don't bite,”

Arthur chuckled, his posture easing, “I'm sorry… it's been awhile since I've been on a date,”

“Divorce?”

He nodded, that old wound stinging. “What about you? You're too gorgeous to be out with an old man like myself,”

She shook her head and looked him dead in the eye, “You're not old, Arthur. In fact, you're beyond handsome and anything I could have ever thought of…”

Arthur felt his cheeks redden.

“I'm widowed, though,”

Annnnd he felt like shit, “I'm sorry,”

She smiled sadly, “It's quite alright. He passed a few years ago, so it doesn't hurt near as bad,”

He cleared his throat, “I feel like I've made a mess of this,” he hated feeling insecure. Scooting his seat back, he stood, only to be stopped by Y/N’s warm hand.

“Arthur, Hun. You're fine,”

His skin tingled and the butterflies fluttered even faster at her soft voice.

“Please sit down,”

He did so and it was the best decision he could've ever made in his life.

°°°°°°

Laughter echoed throughout the empty bar as Arthur clutched his stomach.

“Ya gotta stop girl. I'm gonna wind up pissin’ myself,”

“Then my job is complete,” Y/N giggled.

He wiped his eyes and sat back, taking in Y/N's rosy colored cheeks. He honestly didn't want the night to end so he offered the next best thing without trying to scare her off, “Care to take a walk with me Miss Y/N?”

She nodded, “I'd love that,”

Arthur helped Y/N with her jacket and he waved at Charles as they left.

The night was a bit cooler than expected. Y/N had her arms folded, trying to ward off the extra chill.

Feeling rather brave, Arthur put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side.

“Oh my God. You're so warm,”

Arthur chuckled, moving his hand up and down her arm.

After a few moments of comfortable silence, she spoke again, “I've had such a great time with you tonight, Arthur,”

He hummed, nodding his head, “Me too. I'd,” he paused to clear his throat, “I'd love to see you again,”

“Same,”

They had stopped in between buildings, staring at one another. Taking his hand, Arthur cupped Y/N's cheek, his thumb smoothing over the soft curve.

“May I?” he asked, his voice dropping.

She bit her lip, the plump flesh flushed as it slipped from her teeth, “You may,”

The second their lips touched, Arthur groaned and Y/N whimpered. He pulled at her full waist, wanting her flush against him.

Y/N had gripped his sides holding onto his belt, moving her lips in slow synchronicity with his. Arthur's stubble burned, but deliciously so.

With a light smack, a few more small kisses, Arthur rested his forehead against hers, “Damn woman… where did you come from?”

She giggled and Arthur wanted to hear it for the rest of his life. With his one hand still cradling her face, the other rested at the top of her backside.

“Can I see you again tomorrow?” she asked him, her eyes hopeful.

“Damn right you can Miss Y/N,”

#red dead redemption 2 #arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x plus size reader #arthur morgan imagine #may85 writes

[bristolpusher-blog]

Rainbow Six: Siege and why I love it.

History of Siege:

Rainbow Six: Siege is a tactical FPS game developed and published by Ubisoft (more specifically Ubisoft Montreal) during December 1st. The game is currently approaching the end of its third year and has reached around 35,000,000 (35 million) players, but it didn't start this way.

Siege's official gameplay trailer was shown at E3 is vastly different to the game upon release. The game trailer shows tactical and long rounds requiring large amounts of communication with little room for error, stunning graphics and interactive animation between the hostage and other players. No operators were shown indicating that originaly everyone would be the games current operator "Recruit" but with their own special loadout and no abilities with customisation likely being very limited.

The trailer ends with a standoff between a defender and an attacker firing shots with no answer to who won the round (probably to show that both sides are infact balanced and have equal chance of winning). You could even take a helicopter landing onto the roof which is badass (And probably would've saved us from the spawn peak craze, but more on that later) but alas the game changed vastly at some point during production.

(I can't really talk about the beta as not only do I think it's not really important to understanding the history of siege as it played almost identically to day one release but I also have never played the beta version of Siege, However I will link a video to a closed Alpha gameplay video)

1st of December 2015: Rainbow Six: Siege is released to the world with 20 operators (and everyone's favourite: Recruit of course) these included: SAS: Thatcher, Sledge, Smoke, Mute. FBI: Ash, Thermite, Castle, Pulse. GIGN: Montange, Twitch, Rook, Doc Spetsnaz: Fuze, Glaz, Tachanka, Kapkan GSG9: IQ, Blitz, Jager, Bandit

Giving two from each to the attacks and defenders. (Attackers left, Defenders right) Your starting team depended on your colour. Orange was Defence and Blue was attack with the teams rotating roles each round while maintaining their colour.

But the operators were locked behind walls of money called Renown. Luckily however this didn't effect the game too hard as within literally one match you had your first operator in that division. But the prices rose if you wanted to buy an operator in the same grouping. So if I bought SAS Thatcher all SAS ops would be more expensive (Unless using R6 credits the in game paid currency). My first operator was GIGN Montange a shield operator and my last was GIGN Rook who ironically became my most played defender so I just wish I'd bought him earlier. Each operator has a unique ability which changes the playstyle with limited resources that cannot be reloaded even in the terrorist hunt game mode which gives you ammo boxes.

Here's a link to a video containing all operator guns, and abilities:

A season pass system was also announced by Ubisoft the first being Operator Black ice giving us two Canadian operators: Frost and Buck and this is what I think makes Siege so unique from other tactical FPS. These operations unlocked cosmetic items, new weapon skins (Most noted is the black ice renowned for being the best skin in the game) here's a list by Ubisoft of all rewards for the pass.

The JTF-2 operators, Frost and Buck, the Navy SEALs operators, Valkyrie and Blackbeard, the BOPE operators, Caveira and Capitão, and the SAT operators, Echo and Hibana. 600 R6 credits, R6 icon charm, premium pass until December 1st 2016. However these operators were available to everybody if they purchased them with free renown they got from playing matches (Around 150 if you lose and around 300 if you win) these operators cost a large amount but its not impossible as I did it myself to unlock Capitao.

In July 2017 Alpha packs were introduced. These unlocked through a sort of roulette wheel at the end of a winning game. The pack (if landed on a white bar you built up by playing games) contained cosmetic headgear and weapon skins until this season where Jager received a legendary uniform in Legendary Alpha packs. These packs are blind luck and you never know what they contain until you open them. If you have the season pass the pack percentage gets a 0.30% boost and when losing it goes up by 1.5% and when winning 3%. (Of course not including the additional bonus for season passes) these can be bought for varying amounts if Renown

These season passes continue until this day with free content such as maps, cosmetics and operators being released. (8 a year) As of writing this Grim Skies (Year 3 Season 3) is ongoing and the game is definitely had a few bumps this season with the introduction of Clash who's nerf patch hasn't been released at the time of writing.

And now the siege history lesson ends and my opinion begins. I LOVE Siege. I play it basically every day and never seem to tire of this. But I don't think that's just because of me being some addicted fan boy. I think that the reason Siege has become so popular and developed such a massive community is because the huge comeback it had. It was originally a huge failure with players leaving in mass. Thousands of videos on youtube pointed out its massive flaws until instead of abandoning it... Ubi started work. Bug fixes, anti cheat, graphics improvement. You name it, if the community asked Ubi delivered and they still do to this day. Even refusing to change Tachanka despite his huge meme status as being terrible simply because fans love him that way even releasing a cosmetic bundle called "Lord Tachanka" a huge fucking meme amoungst the community that the devs love too which just shows how tight knit we are as a game. While they did take a while to do it during the big Hack period they fixed that for fans and announced they would do so even before the big Youtubers jumped in on it.

Ubi revived Siege. And I can never really express just how thankful I am for that in words. I love this game and I can't wait for the next season or the next game.

Gameplay:

Now it's time to talk about the gameplay Holy shit is this fun. When something goes well and your team just clicks you forget you're playing a game. You're a squad of 5 elite special forces soldiers who's training has lead to an unstoppable wall of fire as your tear through your enemy and it only gets better when the enemy does so too. The rush you feel when a 1v1 comes after a long gun fight is tense and nerve-wracking as you feel your whole team watching you or calling info on cams or drones (More on that later) winning is satisfying and losing is crushing but you still don't want to give up. Because you know that with the right team and the right strats you can wipe the floor with even the best of players.

Games tend to last around 15 minutes in casual with three rounds won being the win and up to 30+ in Ranked. Each round has a drone phase where little black RC drones race around the map looking for the objective while defenders quickly reinforce the room with defences such as metal wall reinforcments, barbed wire, deployable shields, nitro cells (C4 explosive) and your defenders personal gadget. You then have 4 minutes to either complete the objective as Attackers or wipe the enemy team and vice versa as defenders.

There are currently 18 maps in Siege such as, House, Oregan and Presidential Plane with another map planned next season. My personal favourite is Clubhouse.

On your gun you can add various attachments such as scopes, grips and compensators. But it's hard for me to talk about that since it's mainly personal preference I almost always use Reflex but most like the Acog scope. Here's a list of what attachments you should put on guns according to Varsity Gaming who you should check out for tips and info on actual mechanics such as damage drop off on guns.

This brings us nicely to spawn peaking. Since defenders spawn 45 seconds prior to Attackers and there's fixed spawns Defenders began opening windows to shoot people as they exited a spawn area most prominently Jager and Bandit. This resulted in their Acog scopes being removed and eventually all Acog scopes from all 2 speed and 3 speed defenders giving a large advantage on the Attackers side as in long range encounters the 2.5x zoom of an ACOG will help massively. Here's another link to a video which marks all things removed or nerfed to the current date. It's still a sensitive topic today as spawn peaking still exists but you're much more likely to miss someone or get killed yourself when you do it.

10 years of content has been announced but people do still doubt it but personally I think it can be done. Considering we're about to enter year 4 and the game is only growing in popularity I see no reason why it's going to stop any time soon. Especially now its practically one of the biggest Esports perhaps only being outdone by League and Dota with Overwatch declining it its recent years.

Not to mention the huge profit they overturn in cosmetics Ubi made pro league and elite skins, the later of which unlocks special MVP animations when equipped and winning as the largest point scorer.

How to Play the game

Now let's discus the gamemodes. You have Casual and Ranked with Custom matches and Terrorist hunt being less of a central focus and an offline Situations mode for beginners to practice.

Casual matches assign random spawns, random defence points and has a cap limit of 5 rounds with a winner being declared after someone reaches 3 otherwise resulting in a draw which effects nothing and gives bad rewards considering you just both basically won.

Ranked gives you a choice of spawns, defence points and caps at 9 rounds with a winner either being declared at 4-2> or having to go to a 5 after it reaches 4-3. After winning a defence location defenders who won may no longer use that defence point until it reaches the overtime tie breaker rounds of 4-3 onwards where everything resets basically. Drone and round times are the same however for both casual and Ranked if an objective is being complete such as Hostage being extracted, Defuser is being/ is planted or Securing objective/contesting then like casual the timer will never end until someone either leaves the room or dies. If a user leaves a ranked match their space is never filled nd they receive a ranked match ban for 15 minutes which increases each time and leave penalty

All game modes feature a DBNO (Down but not out stage) where you will be knocked to the floor and a large + icon surrounded by a white circle slowly being ticked away by a red line creeping across will appear. Your vision will be impaired and movement reduced to a crawl. You will produce a blood trail leading the enemy to you if you crawl away. You can press and hold to stop movement but hold the blood in giving you more time to wait for a teamate to come help you up. Any damage you take will probably kill you and all revives (except Docs stim pistol and Finkas adredinal surge) will get you back up on 50 health and must be done when right next you the only exception to these rules is Zofia and Doc who can get themselves up if Doc has a stim left and Zofia needs no help at all and after a brief 5 second animation can get up on 1 health and continue to fight.

Gamemodes in Ranked and Casual are:

Hostage: Hostage must be extracted from defence point and taken outside to a red flare where you will extract him/her and win you can as with teammates kill the hostage instead of the minus 100 points and ban (and an additional -100) for killing two teammates like you may expect you're hit with an instant -500 points and an almost certain ban if you're not careful. And since Renown is given based off of points this will likely screw you out of any renown if you lose the match and don't receive the +2000 points for winning.

In Secure area you must enter the room with the container automatically beginning to secure it simply by being in the room however. A loud siren goes off wherever an enemy enters with a large "Contested objective" appearing above the icon that goes through walls for both teams if a defender is inside and a "Securing..." if not.

On Bomb there are two sites near eachother [A] and [B] with Attackers having to enter the room and plant a single defuser given to one member at the start of the round taking 7ish seconds to plant and 40ish seconds to defuse the bomb entirely however the bomb defuser can be destroyed by the defence team by approaching it and holding the button to defuse with the same 7ish seconds needed to defuse however during this time the defuser still continues to tick down and can pass the threshold of defusing the bomb while a defender defuses resulting in an attacking victory.

All of these gamemodes are 5vs5

Terrorist Hunt:

Terrorist Hunt features a range of difficulties: Normal, Hard and Fucking impossible (Realistic). These missions can either be done alone or with a team. Depending on difficulty team friendly damage is reduced so I'd recommend Team play if you want a lot of renown for not very much work at all.

Situations:

These missions have fixed objectives and must be done alone in single player. After completing all situations that teach you how to play you may take part in Article 15. A difficult mission in a realistic difficulty where you and 4 others must defuse 2 bombs inside the map Bartlett University with heavily obscured vision in yellow clouds filling the map obscuring enemies and the bodies that liter the ground.

Custom Games:

These allow modifiers for a 5vs5 with friends or less even allowing you to explore the map alone. You can change health, timers such as increasing defuse time, drone time, match time and the amount of rounds. You can even turn on pro league settings to have a tournament with your friends.

Shop:

Siege has an in game shop where you can purchase the previously mentioned elite skins and various other items such as weapon skins, Pro league sets and weapon skins, charms and even the glorious Lord Tachanka sets.

Final thoughts and review:

Siege is in my opinion one of the greatest FPS games of all time. It has incredible fans, Gameplay is smooth and fun and most importantly tense. If I could play just one game with all of you then you'd know how big a difference one person can make each match, how much communication changes the game and how often friends tk each other for cheesy spiderman jokes.

I highly recommend you purchase it. Or play a free weekend. With a starter edition being so cheap right now especially when a sale comes on the only real reason to avoid the game would be the toxic team killers we have. But since the new tk ban changes I've been teamkilled only 12 times. 2 by friends, 7 accident and three being toxic players. That's not however saying it doesn't happen. But trust me. Your teammates will straight up slam the fucker who does it. I don't think I've ever been killed in a ranked match except by Mira mains who want their walls or accidents especially at the higher ranks. I hope this helped you either get a look into my perspective on Siege. Or perhaps convinced you to give it a chance or reinstall. Trust me. Give it a chance like I did and you'll never regret it.

Informative Siege Videos:

Siege Youtubers:

And of course the best Siege Youtuber of all time:

(This is my channel. Subscribe if you want I only upload for fun which I'm pretty happy with)

[miniwolfsbane]

RANT!!

RE: Leafeon from Build-A-Bear

An extended rant from a comment I started on Youtube.

Just saw it a few minutes ago because saw something on Reddit (I lurk there) about it being released soon. I LOVE my Bulbasaur and Vaporeon from there, (As well as the MLP plush I garnered over a few years) but the prices are so exorbitant, even if they are excellent quality and huge. If they were 40-45 USD, I could see it and wouldn't balk, but 65 is the price of a whole video game or one well-made dress. Anyway, I can't buy it (right now).

I know it'll sell out in a week or less, but I also know at the end of the day it's just a freaking toy. Can't logic my way out of not wanting it, I just wish BAB was a bit more moderate with its pricing. Even when the Pokemon plush goes on sale, they don't usually go under 50. (I waited patiently for Bulbasaur to go on sale, and Vaporeon was discounted to around 30 because they ran out of her clothes.) Sorry for ranting. Guess I'll finish this up on Tumblr.

And here I am. When I was typing out that rant, at first I said BAB was for rich people and splurges, which isn't altogether untrue. Like American Girl dolls, BAB is practically a status symbol if you can afford one. Most middle-class people would think twice about dropping 50 dollars on a teddy bear (or Pokemon), even if they could afford it. I've said it before on here, I'm not poor. I just inherited one of my parents' cheap-o wallet-tightening genes. I spoil myself a lot, but I rarely pay full price for anything and if we're talking MLP, I gravitate towards ones that are slightly messed up in some way with marker stains or whatever. IDK if it's a subconscious thing where I think I don't deserve pristine, like-new ones, or if I'm just weird. Or both.

And, as I've also said, I get annoyed with myself for being in my 30s and still collecting toys like some woman child nerd. Your interests are your interests and we're all hard on ourselves. I have scaled down my collection significantly and no longer look at stuffed animals in the store like they are my oxygen, but it seems fandom-related ones have become my kryptonite in the past few years. Guess it's like any other vice. You want to stop, but you're not sure how.

Maybe if I try to wrack up those crazy gift cards they keep offering me (I don't get them because I really don't buy from BAB all that often, maybe a few times a year if they have something I like. The only time I got something non-fandom-related from them was the Hot Topic bear and the Shark with legs, which I never look at), I'd get somewhere in getting the price down. (But I'm not 1000 percent certain you can use gift cards on the Pokemon line?)

Uhh, not much else to say? Leafeon is REALLY cute, but too expensive right now. (Bills happen, and with things as they are this month and going through some big changes and a lot of emotional stuff, I don't want the fam looking at me sideways again because I made an unjustifiable just-for-me purchase that was a lot. Same reason I have held back on getting the Saturn figuart that's been my grail forever when I found her at 49, then 51. So tempting, but not worth getting lectured. Again. >_<;)

I enjoy the Pokemon line over there because they have voice boxes and are huge and really soft. the Pokemon center plush might be soft, but they don't have size of BAB's ones without being $200 and they definitely don't come with voice boxes. Unfortunately, many of the Eeveelution line have been online exclusives, if I'm remembering right. Sucks, but that's life. Well, C----19 is also a thing, so even if Leafeon was in the store, doesn't mean I'd go rush out and buy it. (Couldn't anyway because I haven't driven in months and don't know the highway yet. We have no BAB close to us.)

Bleh. Maybe if I could play the Pokemon games like everyone else, I wouldn't have this deep need to collect nearly all Eeveelution merch. XD

#Pokemon #rant #eveelutions #nerd #collector

[natsunoomoi]

Introspection on Fandom and Personal Trauma

The last couple of posts I went down a YYH and specifically Hiei rabbit hole. To be fair, I'm almost always down that rabbit hole because it's my absolute favorite show and life experiences basically brought me back around to Hiei, but I just don't usually post about my thoughts down that rabbit hole.

I'm now almost 40 and started watching the show like about when the series started and I was 10 years old. There was a Japanese grocery store in my hometown called Yaohan and later renamed/bought by Mitsuwa Marketplace. That market though had a video rental place that rented out VHS tapes recorded in Japan with Japanese shows and shipped to the US including commercials, so while I watched it about 7 weeks removed for recording 4 weeks and then shipping time, and there was a language barrier because my native language was English with a bit of Cantonese, I basically experienced the show first in a similar way to fans in Japan. It was basically how you got raws before the internet was a thing. I'm pretty sure the video rental place basically started that service in order to cater to the Japanese businessmen and their families that were temporarily settled in the US so that they could get a taste from home even though they were abroad.

Because I was 10 though, I didn't really have disposable income to buy merch, but as an adult now with disposable income, some of my for fun shopping purchases is tracking down all the things with Hiei's face on it that I couldn't get when I was small. I still got some things back then that I'm very proud of and have held onto since those days, but I had limited money available for it. This shopping endeavor's been made more complicated though because of the recent anniversary merch since I'm buying that too, but still. I don't know how to explain it, but YYH makes me happy so no regrets here. My MajiBattle app even has a party of basically only Hiei or support related to Hiei because of my fandom. I also lowkey made a guild of just myself (because I don't trust other people and want the game to stop bugging me about joining one) that's just a Hiei Appreciation FC. LOL I threw money at Langrisser too just to recruit Hiei into my party. I don't play that Othello game and I have PazuDora, but I couldn't get him to drop in that one there. I don't play that game much anyway (although I probably would more if I did get him to drop for me). Still though, the show just gives me joy. I still kind of want Amnibus to stop releasing more mugs. I know they're going to keep doing it because people like me keep buying them, but I have so many mugs of mostly Hiei in my kitchen. Earlier on I bought entire sets, but after they started releasing so many collections of them I started only buying my favorites, so always Hiei, always Kurama, always Youko Kurama, and always Yukina. Everyone else I might get if I have cash to spare. Like I think I even skipped out on getting Hagiri Kaname/Sniper just because he's not top priority even if I like him. I think there's Jin and Touya too, but I didn't get those. The other merch, I prioritize mostly on Hiei. Especially with mobile batteries. I have all the mobile batteries that they've released. I'm sad one of my J-World ones is having issues though so I stopped using it because I'm afraid it's going to explode. I just have it kept aside for the design. That one's limited edition so I can't really get it replaced. I'd have to find out if I can get it repaired or get the internal battery swapped out and just keep the cover. I just can't resist getting Hiei batteries though because it makes me giggle to think my devices are powered by Kokuryuuha. LOL To be fair, I also bought Bungou Stray Dogs merch from them too, but mostly Akutagawa and the reason why I like Akutagawa is because he and Rashoumon remind me of Hiei and the Kokuryuuha. Mostly because the way they drew the Kokuryuuha from the front it looks really flat. Like one weakness of the anime is that the animators weren't able to really give it dimension from the front. From the side you can clearly see it's a dragon and is dragon shaped, but from the front my sister and I always thought it looked like it had a shield for a face so we used to call it "shieldy face" for funsies. Hiei would kill me. XD

Even after the series was over too, I had a soft spot for whenever I heard Hiyama-san's voice. Like most recently I've been playing FFXIV and Hiyama-san plays Pipin Tarupin which is an ikemen Lalafell Gladiator, so basically ANOTHER SHORT SWORDSMAN. He upgraded job classes more recently in Stormblood though so now he's a "Dark Knight". I think the casting director liked Yu Yu Hakusho because he's basically Hiei. Madarame Ikkaku is basically also just as battle hungry, and Sanageyama in Kill la Kill has an eyes all over kind of move. I think Hiei as a role just kind of stalks him. I don't think it bothers him so much. He was even Chintou in Senkaiden Houshin Engi I think because Chiba Shigeru (Kuwabara's VA) was the casting director and Chintou is a youkai sennin with fire powers that can turn all green and has his hair standing on end and split down the middle. You know, like Hiei does when in full jaganshi mode. Most recently was in Jujutsu Kaisen which is pretty popular here now although not as popular as Kimetsu no Yaiba because some kids think it's actually TOO SCARY, but Eso is by far way more flamboyant, but I favor him instantly just because of Hiyama's voice. It's become a weakness that hits me everytime I hear it. Like I was happy to hear him even in Saiunkoku Monogatari and that role is relatively more taciturn because he plays a scholar, and I still love Koyu. Even in my Tales games, I actually favor Leon Magnus in that series, but I still give a lot of stuff to Veigue just because of this habit of automatic favoritism.

I kind of touched on it a bit in recent posts, but when I was young I really liked Hiei. He was cool, but mostly I just liked that he saw people as they were and on their own merit and accomplishments. At the time as well, I thought that he could at least exhibit self-control whereas all the guys around me and in most media at the time made fools of themselves thinking of women, chasing women, etc. It was such a trope and it affected me as a kid then. Like early play and imaginary games I had with my sister when we were really small often involved us attracting some fictional guys in the crowd for being awesome and winning a race or something and then we'd marry them and have babies. Those were the hopes that I had at the time. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have some amount of ambition and would think like Queen, President, doctor, or something like that, but thinking back on it now I think it was striking the kind of affect society had on me that our early games involved getting married and settling down and having children. It's only as I got older that I started to realize that life is more varied and there's more and to really understand that it was possible for women to be independent and on their own, but I think I struggled early with what my existence meant because of what society told me. As a 10 year old, I was really impressionable and really influenced and concerned though that that's how I would be treated when I grew up. It was my reality and I thought that that's what I could expect from my future, but then I saw Hiei, where stuff like that didn't matter to him and I instantly liked him because I thought if it was someone like him I would be seen. Like actually seen and appreciated as a person rather than objectified or like viewed as a toy for someone else's pleasure.

But then he's a fictional character, right? I thought he was perfect at the time and because of that, in my teen years I thought surely I'd be alone because someone like that doesn't exist in real life. Even after him, I had a small crush on Sun Wukong, the Monkey King, from Journey to the West in middle school because of a Chinese drama and the book as in chapter 24 or 25 a demon proposes to him and tries to tempt him, but a) he's a monk and someone who has left the family can't suddenly go and get married without giving up monkhood, and b) he says he'd actually be an inconsiderate and bad husband to her so it's not good for her. He also went through the entire book basically beating Pachieh for being a lazy ass lecherous lout, which ingrained more in me how much I really wanted there to be someone who didn't just chase skirts all day. I still liked Hiei a lot around that time, but through Sun Wukong I realized that he's a monk, so my idea of a perfect person is impossible because it's based of someone who can't/won't marry at all. So then disappointed by my possible options at the time I made compromises on what I wanted and how I let myself be treated. As a consequence of that I suffered a lot for 20+ years that way at the hands of grade A a-holes before learning about asexuality or even that people in real life that can and do have self-control exist or thought playing with the hearts of girls was a game. I went through a great deal of trauma and harassment before I understood that and eventually came back around to Hiei as a result.

Like...it's not even necessarily how they would treat just me, but I was deathly afraid of being cheated on and that happens if someone doesn't get enough out of a relationship and society was telling me that men did really often because they are insatiable. So because of that I met a lot of guys that were asses that I didn't know were asses at the time because I thought that was normal. I know now, but I came to know that at a cost of going through those painful experiences.

So in that way, YYH is not only nostalgic but a therapeutic salve for me. I especially revisited it right after I had come out of a workplace sexual harassment incident, and I needed a reminder that there are people out there that would actually see me. I binged the entire series over again during my recovery, and it was just kind of nice reminiscing about Hiei and remembering why I liked him as a 10 year old, and in my older maturity I also learned about asexuality and came to realize that I myself am on that spectrum I guess and Hiei probably is too. For myself, I believe I'm demisexual, but also I just feel normal? But like in comparison to everyone else in the world that seems to be super obsessed with their sexuality, I guess I am because I don't care that much and I kind of just want to exist and live my life. It's not like I never experienced desire or anything, but it's over people that I already liked because reasonably of course you'd feel that way about someone you were interested in, and plus there's just a time and a place. Like I don't understand the point or logic of being horny in the middle of class or when you're at work and you have to get shit done. My goal at these locations is not this, so I don't think about it. But apparently people who aren't ace don't think this way, so apparently I'm ace, but mostly I'm legit shocked by how some people can't focus on the task at hand and like you know, wait for an appropriate situation. It's like, I don't know. Apparently if you're able to be goal oriented and focused without getting distracted by random sexual desire, you're ace. Like I don't really know whether or not Hiei is ace, but like if you go by this scale I guess he is because he's able to be single-mindedly focused on training and getting stronger and surviving.

Plus like, most of the rest of the "candidates" if you look at the rest of the cast if he did think about it is kind of annoying to him, his sister, would be weird cuz they're related to a friend, or even taken or have other commitments. Like even if we humor the idea of him being interested in Kurama, Kurama wants to stay human and honor his human mother. Even if there was interest, this is a natural deal breaker where their life paths just diverge because they want different things and that's okay. I don't actually think he even thought about anyone else he met on that level at all because he does have a lot of issues with abandonment and stuff and grew up to be self-reliant because he had no one and had no reason to really trust anyone else. Like when he was a kid he did kill a lot partly to survive and stuff, but also like...the first people he met after he got thrown off a cliff were a bunch of thieves who tried to take his hiruiseki from a sealed baby. Even if they raised him, he had no reason to really trust them fully either. With the cast, he's been able to develop a trust with them, but most of them still don't know or connect to him and his experiences. Like if anyone, only Kurama probably knows in any amount of detail what happened to him, and everyone else probably doesn't want to pry or just aren't really interested in knowing anything beyond who he is now. All this is just to say even if he wasn't ace and he did think about anyone else, none of them would look "promising".

That's a digression a bit, but just saying there's a fair argument to be made either way for whether or not he's ace or even whether or not I am just because that's what it seems to feel like in comparison to everyone else in the world. But still, after that trauma, I just needed a reminder and it being a precious part of my childhood was an added bonus. These days though, I think Hiei is important to me as a symbol of who I'd like just because I just want someone to keep me company sometimes and to talk to, but would also leave me alone and give me privacy and agency. Like I don't actually think that's too much to ask for, but apparently that's a huge ask from the universe. As an older person that went through a lot, that's so important to me now. When I was in my 20s it did matter to me back then if I got married and such, but then my Dad passed away and I realized I only wanted to do that to show my Dad that I was all grown up and he didn't need to worry about me anymore. It's not even like that's something my Dad expected cuz my Dad was really chill, but it's something that I wanted to do because of my Dad and what he meant to me. If he's not going to be there though because he passed though, I don't really care about getting married at all. It's not the same if he's not even going to be there. My idea of the ceremony and everything I wanted included him and I just can't imagine it without him. If it happens, I'd be perfectly okay with just a city hall registration and then not worry about it. But like generally these days, sometimes I think it'd just be nice to have a dedicated person to talk to sometimes, but other than that, eh.

Like my trauma gave me a lot of hang ups and trust issues too, so when it comes down to it I just want a reliable person I can talk to about things so I'm not like completely alone with my thoughts. That sounds very simple, but again apparently that's a big ask. Friends and family have their own lives and can't always be there for you, so yeah, for me that's all I want. Like I can imagine him just chilling on my balcony looking out at the world and I'm inside playing games and also asking him to please make sure no bugs come in if he wants to be out there chilling. At meal times we get something to eat by delivery or go out and grab something, but other than that it's just a coexistence with occasional venting or discussion about what's happened recently. He doesn't fully understand most of the human world stuff I complain about, but he's got my back by listening and let's me take care of things in my own way because I don't really need his help. I just want to talk to someone about it to let it out. But when I actually need another perspective, he listens and tries to understand and give an honest opinion that I can work from to figure things out.

I think in that kind of way and attitude, I'm similar to Mukuro in some respects because it's kind of how she runs her group and carries herself in general. Like she's mostly independent and just doing her thing and made a safe place for herself. She's still more in the midst of her trauma though, and I think it's problematic that she lashes out violently when in a bad mood and someone who is well meaning says the wrong thing she doesn't like, but I also admire her ability to still have humor and generally be ok being alone. Being self-sufficient by yourself is something we don't appreciate enough. She has men under her in her troop/army/whatever, but that's different as they like view her as a boss. That she doesn't care really if Hiei stays with her or not I think is admirable and a message more ladies should see because a lot of women out there just lose themselves in the relationship and to their significant other. But like she also just genuinely earned the respect of others by fighting her way to the top, and Hiei really respects what he made of herself to just be accomplished. For most things she's pretty independent, but I even have concerns that she shows some signs of slight dependency on Hiei or at least on his hiruiseki because she found comfort in it. It's nice that she for the most part allows him freedom though even though she seems to have some kind of attachment. But mostly it's just like, the lashing out. When I was like 12 and immature I was definitely jealous of her to a degree, but these days I have more of a neutral opinion because I'm grown and I can see more of her depth and appreciate her for her accomplishments. I just generally still have an issue with her lashing out. It's not like I've always been completely innocent in that department either, but when I did I was 6 and had no concept of what I was doing. When the consequences came, I learned what the situations really meant/were. She, on the other hand, is hundreds of years into these kinds of bad habits, so it'll be harder for her to break the cycle and change than a 6 year old learning about interactions with other people and that other people in fact have feelings.

There's also like...I think the way she went about revealing herself in the manner that she did also stems from her trauma in that like I don't think she knows an appropriate alternative and may have been functioning from a perspective of her abuse and assuming that guys like that like I did when I was a child. Some people say that Hiei didn't seem to mind, but I don't know if it's that he didn't mind. I think it's more like he was dying so there was nothing he could do about it anyway, and his empathy for what of her past issues that she shared with him that he knew of he tried to just be understanding even if it did kind of bug him and invade his privacy a bit. She kind of mostly backed off after that and just let him do things freely and gave him privacy, so there was no reason for him to really hold that against her. Back when I was 12 I wasn't happy with that situation because it was non-consensual, but as an older person now I can see approximately how it played out that way and come to an understanding similar to how I think Hiei did.

So basically, as someone who has come back around to Hiei as like a symbol for what I'd like to have in my life at this point after an immense amount of shit IRL guys have put me through, I kind of wish for someone even better for Hiei than her. Togashi wanted to write more with her, but also I think his weakness and weakness with the world and especially Japan is the assumption that women can't commit DV too. Women can, and it's still not ok. Like in the 90s it wasn't talk about like at all that men could also be victims because of toxic masculinity, sexism, and low reporting as a result, so it probably didn't occur to him or anyone else that her actions in hitting Hiei aren't ok. I don't know if that's more of a realization now in Japan, but in the world at large that is something we are starting to be more aware of as important. So for me as a fan, I just want someone even better who would treat him better, and he doesn't have to "save" them from their PTSD. I kind of wish someone for him would be more ready for him and together because he did a lot of healing already on his own through Yusuke and company and making friends.

To that end, I own exactly 1 YuuHaku doujinshi and it's a collection of chapters from various artists about scenarios for dating all the major characters in the anime/manga. It's generally reader x character, but it's pretty well done. I really like the artists' interpretation for how a human could meet and develop a bond with Hiei in a positive way that seems natural. There's room for emotional connection, but also like mutual respect for each other's way of life and life path. It's so nice and it's made by other fans looking back at this fandom. I highly recommend it and and it's just kind of nice to see all the characters bond with a potential someone else that doesn't exist in the series. If I recall, there's a chapter even for Mukuro with a human that shows up in Makai somehow and impresses her by making her a dress or something. It sounds ridiculous, but it's believable and all in good fun.

My trauma and just my thoughts since I was a child about my fears of pitfalls of relationships though and my venture into like Journey to the West even also fuels my interest in cultivation novels now. It's part of my heritage, but generally cultivators abstain from sexual activity because it's usually bad for your cultivation to indulge too much because you release too much of your qi in the process. So similarly cultivators are usually more single-minded and exhibit self-control as a matter of necessity. Similarly, before I knew what asexuality was, I told people I was more "traditional Chinese" because Confucianism also preached this amount of self-control because of Chinese belief systems, and also because literal kingdoms and empires fell because the King was too obsessed with one concubine. Confucianism is also very heavily misogynistic and I know that, but like also if people had self-control to not throw away their entire lives to get laid, I don't think I'd need to think of myself as ace. Apparently people who aren't ace really act the fool when they're trying to get some, and that's one of the reasons why Confucianism was popular as a guide for how to rule properly. Like maybe don't torture your people to test out your psycho concubine's weird, violent ideas because you want to make the happy so that they'll go to bed with you.

This anxiety though over relationships though has only gotten worse as one of my favorite voice actors had married up recently, but even though he has a frickin' amazing wife, he still cheated on her with a fan. Like I was really supportive of him and his relationship, and I'm an outside party but I feel so disappointed in him and in men in general that he could marry someone so wonderful and still have that not be enough. It just makes me think that if I am not able to have a comfortable situation where there's trust and communication and like freedom and privacy in good balance, I just don't want anything and I'd rather be alone. Cuz why put myself through all that? I have actual health affects from my traumas too. My heart was in dire pain from the pedo I met when I was in middle school messing with me emotionally. I was in incredible pain and became depressed and suicidal when the guy I liked in hs became a bully because he was uncomfortable about my having feelings for him. A number of unrequited situations in uni and a backstab from a friend then finally led me to I believe acquire takotsubo cardiomyopathy, but I'm not sure. I just knew that when I parted ways with our mutual friend that I had feelings for I had heart attack symptoms that I didn't get treated for because of insurance reasons which permanently damaged my body in some ways. I have some occasional circulation issues and actually the vision in my left eye is permanently much poorer than my right eye because of that time. And then when my Dad died, I was also at such a loss emotionally that I believe I actually almost died and had a near death experience. I know from that, that I'm clearly very badly affected by having my heart broken, so if I choose to be with anyone I really want them to not be a dick because I might die from the relationship. And with that fear, I find myself looking back at Hiei again. The character and figure that I held in such high esteem when I was 10 because he represents what would be safe.

[mysticdragon3md3]

Stayed up all night and practically wrote several essays, trying to convince myself to not/buy KH3 Nendo Kairi. Sorry, Kairi. Maybe if you weren't $62. Maybe if you were KH2 version. But as it is, spending that much, after also preordering other things, including a more expensive Nendo Aqua,...I just can't spend that much on a KH3 Nendo Kairi without feeling guilty. Sorry, completionism. But $62 is too high.

12:23 AM 6/22/2021

Yknow what?

If I had the choice between only having money for a 2nd Nendo Joker or a 2nd Nendo England, I'd choose Joker in a heartbeat. So what am I trying so hard to decide here? Do not preorder Hetalia World Stars version Nendo UK! Even though he's blond, you haven't had need of that. And if you really needed him blond in a photo, you could Photoshop him! but let's be serious, people want to see authentic Nendos in photoshoots, and his non-blond hair will mark him as authentic. So you don't get called a bootleg buyer! But what do you care what others think? You care that Nendo England looks like the England from your nostalgia...and for that, you need blond. And I can do that through Photoshop. Because seriously, you've barely used or looked at your current Nendo UK, you haven't been compelled/obsessed with more USUK photoshoots, you haven't even been playing with Nendos US UK much. YOU WOULD NOT EVEN _NOTICE_ IF YOU HAD 2 NENDO UK. You only need one. Your Nendo US doesn't even have sandy blond hair like your anime nostalgia! So what does it matter if UK is off-color!?! ...It matters because you have a chance to get proper-color UK hair. But I don't want to spend all this money. When I first saw this figure announcement for Hetalia World Stars version Nendo UK, my immediate thought was that I don't feel the need to have 2 Nendo UK. I already barely play with the one I have. It wasn't until I realized this 2nd edition Nendo UK has blond hair, that I started thinking I had to have it. But if that's the only reason, then I don't really need to. I don't actually have such an intense need to have it. I've barely had an intense need (anymore) to have my current Nendo UK. So I definitely don't need a 2nd one. And if saving my money on this, will allow me to get possibly a better Nendoroid later, well then, this is an opportunity to revisit that "lost battle" where I wasted money on Bayonetta, 2B, etc---*This* time, I could win that "battle". And then maybe in the future, there'll be a 2nd Joker Nendo or Nendos for Claude and Dimitri! *o* In any case, so many figures end up in the Available Now section, that blond Nendo UK will probably end up there. Or, if you're worried to not have a blond UK ready if GSC later releases a properly sandy-blond Nendo US, then I'm sure if they ever announced a 2nd Nendo Amerrica, then they'd re-release the Nendo UKs. This is not even your last chance, you might have extra money to afford a 2nd Nendo UK in the future, but for sure you know, you don't have the money to waste on a 2nd Nendo UK _right now_. So don't. Save your money for that hypothetical 2nd Nendo Joker in his school uniform, or Nendo Dimitri and Claude, or whatever gets announced from the Nendoroid Select '21 survey results. Remember, that still needs to get announced. So, no on preordering Hetalia World Stars version Nendoroid UK.

As for Kairi...Let's be honest (again). I haven't been obsessed with Kingdom Hearts in years. And even when I was, Kairi was barely in them. I don't have that much of an attachment to Kairi. Even though Oathkeeper is my favorite Keyblade because it came from Kairi, sometimes I fear that emotional impact was more the effectiveness of that plot point in that moment of the first game, more than a reflection of my attachment to Kairi. I have attachments to Riku and Sora. When their Nendoroids were announced, I preordered ALL of them right away. Even though I didn't really like KH2 Sora's outfit. Even though it pained my wallet to buy 3 pairs of the same characters, back to back. Even after all these years, those 2 were the characters I was sure of feeling attachment towards. I can't keep judging whether to buy Kairi's KH3 Nendo, based on possible attachments I might feel towards Kairi in KH3. Because I've had that game for months and I still haven't even opened the case yet! O~o! That should be my strongest indicator of my attachments towards Kairi and willingness to buy Nendos for her, especially KH3 Nendos of her. Admit it: Your KH nostalgia is all wrapped up with KH2, Birth by Sleep, and earlier. I shouldn't be making $62 purchase decisions for Kairi, based on KH3---a game that I'm apparently no longer interested in enough to play immediately. Not getting KH3 Kairi's Nendo feels bad as a completionist and as someone who has real life personal attachments to sibling-like groups of 3 friends. But I knew when she was announced that I still preferred her KH2 look, because I've just always liked long(er) hair. And I love her dress in KH2. Yes, I have to gamble on GSC eventually announcing a KH2 Nendo Kairi, and then when I get her, all my "groups of 3 friends" figure photoshoots will be limited to Sora, Riku, and Kairi's KH2 depictions...even though I don't really like KH2 Sora's look...But am I even that compelled to take photos of Sora/Riku/Kairi in the first place? I barely take pics of my current, KH1 Sora/Riku Nendos right now. But if KH3 is my last Kingdom Hearts game (even if my status is still to "eventually" play it), wouldn't I want Sora/Riku/Kairi's last depiction in my memories to be what I own as Nendoroids? I mean, it would be the perfect end-cap image to the series for me. And Square said that KH3 is the end of the Xehanort Saga or something. It's the end cap. ---There I go, basing a Nendoroid purchase on a game I haven't even played yet, while I ALSO already know I prefer Kairi's KH2 look. Y'know what? What if they do eventually release a KH2 Kairi, a KH1 Kairi, even Terra and Ven as Nendoroids? They'll definitely choose some previous Nendos to re-release alongside them! And if they release another version of Kairi, then guess what? The re-release will be KH3 Kairi. And maybe by then, I'll have the money for this. Or at least, the results for the Nendoroids Select '21 survey would have been released by then, and then I can know whether my money can go towards a character I want more, or towards a KH3 Kairi re-release. I mean, it'd be different if Kairi played a bigger role in KH3, and though I've been staying away from most spoilers, I did hear that she got sidelined AGAIN. And sure, it seems she might be the protagonist of the upcoming rhythm game, but I may not get that. I'm stopping at KH3, remember? So if she's getting sidelined in KH3 again and in the rhythm game, she's like asleep or something, reminiscing, just being used as the overall story's framing device,...then that doesn't sound like a lot of screentime for me to get attached to her. I mean, when I was younger, I thought Kairi did a lot in KH2, but I didn't cry when she reunited with Sora, I cried when Sora and Riku reunited. (I don't even ship those babies! LOL) ---I feel really bad writing all this to convince myself that I don't like Kairi enough to spend $62 on her. It's not like I hate her. I don't even *dislike* her! I LIKE her!!!! It's just...I've been retroactively organizing my Nendoroid

inventory lately, and I've been seeing all the money I've wasted on figures that I only bought out of completionism, that made me cringe inside at the pain this would cause my wallet, because I didn't love the character enough to jump and thrash in my chair with excitement, when I saw their figure announcements and "DAMN THE COST!"... If KH3 Kairi Nendo can't make me feel that way, then I shouldn't be buying her.

There's a perfect counter example in this month's preorder interests!!! I wasn't expecting Pop Up Parade Kikyo! I don't even like static scale figures! I like articulated figures! And chibi too! Pop Up Parade isn't either of those things! And I haven't been a fan of Inuyasha in years! I haven't been obsessing over anything Rumiko Takahashi in years! But when I saw Kikyo's Pop Up Parade announced, I knew I had to buy her. I jumped up and thrashed in my chair. I gasped. I uttered "ohmygawd" over and over like I was losing my mind. Even now, I occasionally browse her announcement pics, just to admire my waifu some more. That's how ALL my figure preorders should make me feel.

And I don't feel that way about KH3 Nendo Kairi.

And I don't feel that way about Hetalia World Stars version Nendo UK/England.

I kind of want to be suspicious if Nendo Aqua makes me feel that way, but what's there to be suspicious about? I'm too attached to her. The majority of my favorite cosplay memories are attached through her. On top of that, her character design is so pretty! She qualifies as what I call in my figure collecting, a "beauty piece", a figure whose design or sculpt is so pretty, that whether I even know the character/series is negligible for me to enjoy owning that figure. Aqua's got that AND she's endeared herself to me. Plus, she's a nice character. I got invested in her BBS story, her 0.2 story, and curiosity about her in KH3 is a big part of why I never concede that I'll someday play that game. I like Aqua. And her character design is pretty. I shouldn't feel guilty about preordering her Nendoroid this month. Even if a future hypothetical Ky Kiske Nendoroid gets announced in the possible future, I would gladly spend money on both Aqua and Ky. I'd make my budget work.

So, sounds like I'm preordering:

Pop Up Parade Kikyo

Nendoroid Aqua

and that's it.

1:37 AM 6/22/2021

Y'know the funny thing is that I feel like if GSC did announce a KH2 Kairi, I'd want KH3 Kairi too. ...She is pretty cute... Damn it. This wouldn't be such a problem if she wasn't $62!!!!!

Looking back through my Nendoroid Inventory, most of my 2017 Nendoroids were under $40! That's because the currency exchange rate was to our advantage. Because the US$ was stronger vs the yen back then, we got everything pretty much at least $5 off! But now we buy from GSC Shop US, and their prices don't account for currency exchange rate changes. (But can I justify switching back to preordering from GSC's international shop, when they have $20 shipping vs GSC US's $3/figure shipping, and we're still in a pandemic so I should limit my purchases to as local as possible? I feel like especially in the pandemic, I have to stick to the GSC US shop.) A 4000yen Nendo isn't $35.30 like it was for me in 2017. Now a 4000yen Nendo is probably like $40 at GSC Shop US. Hold on...Browsing through the GSC international online shop...Even the simple Nendos, like this Nendoroid Steven A Starphase, just a guy in a suit, is already 6930yen! These Bofuri Nendo preorders right now? BOTH ARE 6600YEN EACH!!! In 2017, I got the freaking special edition harvest moon Kagamine Len and Rin Nendoroids for $35.30 each!. I thought that maybe Square was charging GSC extra licensing fees since they would prefer to make money off their own figure lines (Play Arts Kai, Bring Arts, Play Arts Mini, etc.). But it seems like Nendoroids are just more expensive in 2021. O______________O!!!!!!!!!!!! In 2017/2018, even the freaking Madoka Magica maiko version Nendoroids were only $42.36, $43.99, $39.71! And those had so many tiny printed floral details! And accessories! O~o! Same for my detailed Touken Ranbu and KanColle Nendoroids back then! O_O!?!?!???????!!!??????????? Nendoroids are just going to be more expense now. Wow.

I guess the important thing is that if I buy Nendo Kairi, that when it comes time to unbox her, I don't get that sickly unboxing feeling in my stomach, where I can't believe I spent money on this. Like, Kiso is cool, but I don't know her and I'm certainly not obsessed with her. I shouldn't have bought her, especially for over $50. Same with the Akizuki sisters. Probably same with Shoukaku, though she seemed nice in the anime. And certainly the lack of attachment applies to my Nendoroid Iowa. More than half my Touken Ranbu Nendoroids, I bought without really knowing their characters. Half of them, I bought just to prove to Good Smile Company, the demand for male figures. Soon after those first few TouRabu toudans, GSC announced their Orange Rouge line: "Good Smile Company and Max Factory's brand dedicated to male character figures and goods." And yeah, I'm super sentimental enough that even though I didn't really know these characters, now that they're in my collection, they're MINE, they're my precious little tsukumogami babies, whom I wouldn't trade away, no matter how much my finances complain. Plus, I have so much anxiety, that selling/trading is too much stress for me. If my reluctant and failed attempts to sell the lesser parts of my manga collection at swap meets have proven, is that even if I wasn't obsessed with the thing I collected, and even if I have an easy opportunity to get rid of them, WHILE making money in doing so,...I still just can't do it. That's why I threw away all my Nendoroids' packaging plastics when I ran out of storage room for them. I knew I was too chicken and too sentimental to ever sell any of my Nendoroids. Even the ones that gave me that sickly unboxing feeling in my stomach, thinking about the $50+ money I wasted.

---Even when I could have instead been spending it on Nendoroids of characters I actually love! What if a school uniform Nendo Joker gets announced? Or a Nendoroid Claude and Dimitri? What about Nendoroids for Ky, Sol, Lady, Lelouch, Rukia, etc.??? Sure, I can squeeze things into my budget right now. But if that time comes later, when I'll want a Nendo schoolboy Joker or a Nendo Rukia, and I don't have the money for them, will a Nendoroid KH3 Kairi have been worth it? I mean, I already prefer her KH2 look over her KH3 look. Why do I have to care if I don't have a matching Kairi to my Sora/Riku Nendos in my figure photos? Why do I have to be so completionist about this? People will understand that not everyone can afford matching Nendoroids. Hell, my Nendo America and Nendo England don't match! One is from Hetalia World Stars! The other is from Hetlaia The World Twinkle! No one cares! What's important is that I have the 2 characters from my ship in the same pic or the same shelf! No one cares if they match! If I prefer KH2 Kairi, then I should hold-out for her and then take goddamn pictures of her with KH3 Sora/Riku if I want! Hell, I prefer KH2 Riku's look too! I'll just swap out Sora and take pics of KH2 Riku with KH2 Kairi, and KH3 Sora! ...That is, if GSC eventually makes a KH2 Nendo Kairi.

omg I'm going in circles again. I need a snack break.

8:15 AM 6/22/2021

I'm too tired now to remember all the thoughts I wrote about and thought through. x~x;

8:43 AM 6/22/2021

If I skipped KH3 Nendoroid Kairi, would I even miss her? I mean, before, I was so hung up on my Nendo UK not being blond, but now I realize that I barely even think about that, nor even often think of that Nendoroid itself, very often. Hardly ever, actually. Will it be similar with Kairi? I mean,I don't look at my KH1 Sora/Riku Nendo and lament about how I don't have a KH1 Kairi Nendo to go with them. I actually don't really like Kairi's KH1 look. I guess I only really like her KH2 look. So why not hold out for KH2 Kairi Nendoroid possibly being announced in the future? But what if they never make a Nendo Kairi besides this KH3 Kairi, and I miss out on this one and only Kairi, while holding out for a Nendo of KH2Kairi? I hate gambling. But if I skipped KH3 Nendo Kairi now, would I even miss her?.......... She's $62 and I should save my money.

10:12 AM 6/22/2021

I think you should buy figures that you feel good about spending $62 on. Figures that you don't feel guilty about buying. If Nendoroid KH3 Kairi makes you feel guilty, like $62 is not worth it or too much, then don't buy her. Wait for a KH2 Nendo Kairi that will make you feel good to spend on.

But I feel so bad to pass her up! Ugh! This is so hard! ;o;

10:30 AM 6/22/2021

Funny the clarity you can have while brushing and flossing your teeth. If I feel bad spending $62 on Nendo KH3 Kairi, then she must not mean that much to me. She's not worth $62 to me.

I remember when I first saw her announced at WonHobby and I felt safe from needing to buy her. I even commented on GSC's Twitter, that my suddenly finding her cute, threatened my original security and certainty in knowing I didn't feel compelled to buy her.

Remember:

1) Don't buy based on predicted attachments to a character in a game you haven't played yet. I haven't played KH3 yet.

2) If Kairi changes my mind after I play KH3, then she'll probably get a re-release later anyway.

3) When you first saw KH3 Nendo Kairi, your first thought wasn't that I needed her. It was that I felt secure that I didn't need her.

4) You don't have money to spare for a Nendo you're unsure about liking to the worth of $62. Because you didn't expect a Pop Up Parade Kikyo nor her unexpected costs, even if it is relatively cheap. And you still need enough money for a $65 Nendo Aqua. You don't have enough money for any half-certain, hesitating likes towards KH3 Kairi Nendoroid.

5) Other people are skipping KH3 Nendo Kairi even though they also want to buy her.

(https://twitter.com/guttural/status/1406709434592735237) "I want her, but I'm so broke and already ordered the Axel and Roxas Nendos ;_;"

10:38 AM 6/22/2021

I'm going to tell Kuya, I don't need Nendo KH3 Kairi. And then I'm going to forget I was even considering buying her. KH2 and KH3 Sora/Riku Nendoroids are going to come in, and I won't even miss her. Just like I do now, with my KH1 Sora/Riku Nendoroids. And I will wait for a KH2 Nendo Kairi. And when she does get announced, I'll preorder her without regret, because I prefer that character design.

2:33 AM 6/28/2021

I really wanted to get Swacchao Nendoroid Hinata. I was originally just going to get the Swacchao parts since I already have the full Nendoroid Hinata Shoyo. I didn't need a seated Hinata, but as a completionist and Hinata fan, I thought I SHOULD get Swacchao Hinata, or at least the seated Swacchao parts.

But then I had this idea that when I return to an office job, it'd be so nice to have Nendoroid Swacchao Hinata at my desk with me. I had had ideas before about bringing a Nendoroid or 2 to my next office job. I even bought Nendoroid Aoba Suzukaze for that reason. (She's an "office lady" and her accessories include dialogue bubbles of her shouting about doing her best. I thought it'd be really encouraging to have at work.) But I was worried about leaving an actual Nendoroid at my desk, overnight. Would I pack up my desk's Nendoroid(s) each night before I clocked out? Impractical. Should I only use Nendoroids of characters I don't care too much about, to decorate my office desk? But if it's not a character I love, then how is their presence encouraging? And being encouragaing is the entire point of desk decor at a soul-killing job. But then here are these Nendoroid Swacchao Hinata Shoyo announcements! Less than $30! I could have a character I love, from an explicitly encouraging series, and being essentially a dupliate of a Nendoroid I already have, I shouldn't worry too much about him getting stolen from any desk of mine.

But I just can't justify buying a duplicate of a character I already have. I was already cutting out Kageyama and Yuuji from my preorder candidates. I'm in the middle of cataloging my Nendoroid inventory and fully realizing how much money I've wasted on Nendoroids of characters I didn't know, barely knew, liked but didn't love, duplicates of characters I already had, etc. It had to stop. So no Swacchao Kageyama for me. And if we're being honest about my terrible spending, then I really shouldn't be getting either type of Swacchao Hinata either. No more duplicates of characters. ;_; No matter how much I want them. ;_____;

#wallet dying #figure collecting #processing thoughts #please ignore my idiocy #venting