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with-love-from-hell · 11 months

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Melancholia

{part Ten}

Fandom: Obey me!

Genre: Angst

Written for F!Mc

WC: 3k

CW: Kidnapping!, Michael is a heavy antagonist and angels are fucked up, slut shaming/victim blaming, mention of suicide vaguely, fear-based content and lots of tension, angst, depression, mentions to past sexual violence in Vermillion Skies, Torture, anxiety, descriptions of deceit, season 2 spoilers

A/n: Michael is quite the wad in this chapter, just as a fair warning! I will be discussing his character in my brain more in the q&a post later on, so send in your questions about the series to my inbox! Also I apologize if the formatting seems wonky or out of order...tumblr is deciding to test my patience this morning.

Music Accompaniment (Point of No Return thru No Love)

>> Though I have a Masters Degree in Psychology and clinical training in treatment for mental health, I am not your therapist. If you have experienced any form of depression or suicidal thoughts, and are in need of help, please utilize the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, NIMH helpline, or the SAMHSA helpline. <<

Series Masterlist

You can find more of this series by searching the tag #Vermillion Skies or #Melancholia on my blog!

“Are you sure that’s what you saw?” Diavolo’s eyes darted between Simeon and Belphie. He wanted desperately for their concerns to just be baseless anxiety, but the grim look on Luke’s face made his heart sink deeper into his stomach. The phone call he had received from Lucifer hours prior was alarming, but he figured the sounds of shuffling and distant grunts meant he had just pocket dialed him. He never would have expected mc and Lucifer to end up missing, and in the brutish hands of the Archangels, no less. After what he had seen Simeon go through, he only hoped that they could get to them before its too late.

“I’m almost 100% certain that Michael has taken both of them.” Simeon clenched his fists, fighting back his demon form. “I don’t know what he’s planning, but it will surely be nothing good.”

Diavolo’s lips pressed into a thin line. “I see...”

Luke squeezed his eyes shut to prevent himself from crying. His grip on Simeon’s sleeve tightened as he tried to make himself calm down. How could this be happening? Michael was a good angel; a merciful angel. This had to have been some sort of mistake!

There was a moment of silence as the brothers looked amongst eachother with uncertainty.

“Well...ain’t we gonna do somethin’ ‘bout this?!” Mammon finally asked, giving a pointed look to Diavolo and Barbatos. "We should be stormin' that fuckin' palace and destroying everythin' in sight!"

A tense sigh passed through Diavolo’s lips as he massaged the slight headache developing at his brow line. “Mammon, it’s not that simple. We have no idea where they’re being held, or why. We have no idea what their next move will be, and we dont know what they'll do when they hear of our rescue efforts.”

“And we certainly don’t have the manpower amongst us to fight the entire celestial army, even with our combined strength.” Satan paced while rubbing his chin, trying hard to think of how they could get both Lucifer and Mc back with the least amount of bloodshed.

“I just...I d-don’t understand...” Luke shook his head, still trying to wrap his head around what was happening. “W-why would Michael do something like this?!”

The demons looked amongst each other, unsure of how to respond to the small angel’s query. They felt so much pity for him. He was really having his worldview tested more over the past 4 months than than he had in his entire life.

“Michael is obsessive.” Solomon chimed in as he entered the room, a bag of tinking glassware slung over his shoulder. “He sees Mc as a threat, and it appears as though his desire to renew the exchange program was a ploy to get our guard down so he can neutralize that threat. I only wish i would have picked up on the signs sooner.”

The remaining color left in Luke’s face drained, and he stared at Solomon, wide-eyed. “W-what..? Do...do you mean they’ll...”

Solomon locked eyes with him for a second, a glint of sadness passing through his expression. “They’re going to try to kill her, yes.”

Simeon shook his head, finding himself feeling strangely numb in this moment. "They wont just do that. They've risked too much in even kidnapping Mc.”

Everyone in the room turned to him, looks of pure terror on their faces. The fact that the situation would likely provide Mc with more trauma was enough to try to stomach already, but to run the risk of losing her again made their blood run cold. Each waited with baited breath for what Simeon had to add to suggest that it could get worse than you’re death.

Simeon sighed, avoiding their desperate eyes. “Michael had said over and over that their worst mistake he made during your fall was not ensuring Lilith had been unable to be reincarnated. To ensure that Lilith’s bloodline won’t ever be able to cause a disturbance in the celestial realm again, they are going to attempt to wipe her from existence, along with the one person who could and would stop at nothing to ensure they would never see another day of peace. The one person who, without him, would leave the Devildom vulnerable in the event of an all-out war.”

The brothers each dropped their eyes to the floor, slowly understanding what Simeon was getting at.

Not only would they kill Mc- but they were going to kill Lucifer too.

“But...But...” Luke stuttered, looking amongst the brothers. "Michael's a good angel! He couldn’t...H-he wouldn’t...”

Tears burst from Luke’s eyes, now fully unable to hold back any more. Simeon kneeled, wrapping his arms around him gently, and allowed the small angel to sob into his shoulder. Simeon glanced to Diavolo, who’s expression had become a mixture of grim anticipation, and deep anger.

“My lord, what would you suggest our next move be?” Barbatos did his best to bite his tongue, but was holding onto his sanity by a mere thread. It was bad enough that you had to be taken and threatened with death, but to have a close friend and necessary ally suffer the same punishment made the situation all the more dire. He himself wanted to charge in and swiftly decapitate any angel that crossed his path, but he knew that running in without a plan would be foolish. "If what Simeon says is true, we are already at a major disadvantage given they have been in their grasp for nearly 5 hours. We don’t have much more time left to lose.”

Before Diavolo could even respond, Beelzebub stepped forward, catching his attention. His normal flat expression was turned into an furious scowl, his muscles bulging under his shirt with all the tension he held in his body. The prince didn’t think he’d ever seen the avatar of Gluttony so angry before.

“Our next move should be getting our family back, no matter what it takes.” He stated matter-of-factly, but there was a lust for blood behind his tone that neither of the royals, nor his brothers, had ever heard from the 6th born. “I’ll annihilate their entire army by myself if I have to.”

“While I agree we should prioritize their safety before politics, we mustn’t forget that charging in without a plan only gives them the advantage.” Diavolo sighed. “Though right now, I am frankly at a loss for how to develop one that won’t just be a suicide mission.”

Beel closed his eyes, trying to refrain from snapping on the prince. He was terrified for your wellbeing, and didn't think he could handle the uncertainty of your fate for much longer. He needed you- all of his brothers did. And they needed Lucifer too. Without both of you, his family would fall apart. No one would ever be able to recover from such a loss.

Luke stared between Beelzebub and Diavolo, almost as if he couldn’t understand what they were both saying.

“First we should decide who will be doing what.” Simeon stated, now rising from his knees. He gestured toward Solomon to take Luke from him, who quickly scrambled to replace Simeon’s place as Luke’s support.

Barbatos nodded. “We should establish a rendezvous point as well, in case we get separated.”

Simeon looked to Barbatos, nodding in agreement. “I think it goes without saying that Diavolo and Luke will be staying behind.”

“What?!” Luke and Diavolo both yelled at the same time, seemingly insulted by the assertion that they would not be helping.

“Yeah, What?” Mammon added, crossing his arms. “I understand leavin’ the Chihuahua behind, but Diavolo’s got some mad strength. He could take down 10 seraphim at once without even tryin'!"

“Really, Mammon!? You’re going to call me a Chihuahua now?!” Luke wiped his tears, shooting Mammon a glare.

Barbatos interjected, ignoring Luke’s annoyance at the teasing name. “But if he is injured- or worse, killed- during battle, the Devildom will be without a leader. That’s not something we can afford. We would be susceptible to both external invasion and violent anarchy amongst the lower demons.”

“Besides, it might be helpful to have someone here to prepare a space for injuries.” Satan added, tilting his chin toward Simeon. “If his vision is right...Mc and Lucifer could be in pretty awful shape...”

Mammon winced at the idea of Mc being hurt again, not wanting to accept it as a possible reality.

Diavolo sighed. “Fine, we’ll stay back for now. But if things go south...” He gave Barbatos a deathly serious look, “...I will not hesitate to charge in there- full force.”

Luke shook his head, now pulling out of Solomon’s arms and nearly groveling to Simeon. “No! Wait, I...I could talk to Michael! I could get him to s-see reason!”

Simeon closed his eyes and sighed. “Luke, I know this is hard for you to understand, which is why it’s best if you don’t get involved.”

“But...Mc...” Luke swallowed back more tears, looking at the floor. “I...I want to help...t-to do something...”

“I know...I know.” Simeon took a deep breath to maintain the softness in his voice. He pressed both hands to Luke’s shoulder. “But the way that you can help is holding down a place for when we come back. Please Luke...this is what I need from you.”

Luke sniffled, hanging his head and nodding. “O-okay.”

Simeon gave him a firm hug, solidifying that things were going to be okay. He had experienced a loss of optimism for anything for so long. He hadn't felt the ability to cling to any sort of hope to allow him to move forward. Whether it be denial, fear, anger, or just wanting to see Mc smile one last time, the feeling allowed him to be strong enough to stand as an anchor for everyone else, and to make a plan to get them both back. He needed to be a rock for everyone else, who were near the edge of panic because the two who would normally take the lead were now indisposed.

Mc and Lucifer will be brought back alive...they had to be.

Simeon stood, resting a firm hand on Luke’s shoulder. He pointed toward the brothers, giving fervent direction of what he wanted them to do. “Beel, you will be our tank. Belphie and Satan, you’re his backup. Your job is to neutralize anyone in our way of getting to Lucifer and Mc.”

The three looked at each other and gave a single nod to signify that they understood.

“Levi, and Mammon- you two will help me and Barbatos get into the Celestial prison cells to search for Mc and Lucifer. We will need help getting past guards, and the more people we have searching rooms, the better. You'll take the east wing, and Barbatos and I will be on the west wing.”

“Got it.” Mammon nodded to Levi, winding up his shoulders to stretch the muscles. "I'll wipe the floor with any crumby angel that dares to do harm to the family of the Great Mammon!"

“Solomon- You and Asmo will take up the rear. Do what you can to ensure our portal home isn’t infiltrated and that the others have first aid in the event of an emergency. You will also be our center point of contact.”

Asmo nervously glanced to Solomon, who pressed a reaffirming hand to his shoulder. “Not a problem.”

“For the rest of us outside of Asmo and Solomon, our meet up point should be at the treeline just south of the prison.” Barbatos added, giving a nod to Simeon for thinking through the division of the groups. “If we need to change it, Solomon and Asmo will spread the message. No one should break off from their pairs. There's safety in numbers, after all.”

The group nodded amongst each other, now preparing for what they assumed was going to be an absolutely bloodbath, and the beginning of the end of peace between the realms.

“Get up.”

Lucifer groaned as the words echoed through his throbbing head. He tried to bring his awareness back- to figure out who the voice was, and where it was coming from. A swift kick to the stomach caused him to sputter, the pain pulling his consciousness back to the surface.

How long had he even been out?!

He forced his eyes open, trying to adjust to the dimly lit room he found himself in. As he tried to move his weak muscles, he found his arms restrained tightly behind his back. He looked up, trying to push his vision to convert the blurred outline into the image of the individual standing before him.

“I said: Get. UP.”

Lucifer snarled as the individual grabbed a fistful of his hair and yanked him up to his knees. He gritted his teeth as his vision adjusted to the shape of the blonde angel, who’s nose was only a few inches away from his own.

“Stand, Demon.” Michael commanded, pulling on Lucifer’s hair again to make him stand.

His knees buckled beneath his weight as he tried to remain standing. Eventually he was able to keep his balance, albeit barely. He hadn’t felt this groggy since Diavolo had spiked his tea with tranquilizer a few months prior. His mind wandered briefly to you, and he was desperate to know where they were holding you. He hoped that you were safe, but given the aggressive handling that Michael and the guards were treating him with, he concluded they were probably weren’t treating you much better. Regardless, he knew he had to figure out a way out of his binds- to make sure you were safe again in his arms.

Michael snapped his fingers, signaling for two armored guards came to Lucifer’s side. They hooked their arms under his armpits and followed Michael out of the room. Lucifer swallowed hard, taking note of his surroundings. Clearly, he was in the celestial palace, but he was unsure of his specific whereabouts- that is, until he was brought before the familiar, intimidating council doors.

He narrowed his eyes, staring daggers into the back of Michael’s head. The last time he was here was when he was begging on his knees for Michael to help him to convince father to let Lilith live. An odd sense of familiarity washed over him as Michael grasped the handles on the doors. He swallowed hard, trying to bring back his cold and confident demeanor...but the fear about whether you both would make it out of this situation alive continued to sit like a rock in his stomach, making it hard to turn away from the anxiety.

Lucifer was thrown down to his knees roughly before the council. He gritted his teeth through the pain, trying to wiggle his arms our of their binds enough to where his shoulder wasn't threatening to dislocate. He took a deep breath before looking to the judging eyes of the council, but was surprised to see only two council members other than Michael who were looking at him with glares of hatred. The rest harbored a look of shock and uncertainty.

"Lucifer. It's been too long." Michael mused sarcastically with a wicked smile as he took his place amongst the council members. “I would love to say it’s good to see you, but unfortunately the mere sight of you is very unpleasant.”

Lucifer tightened his jaw, but said nothing.

Michael cocked his head at him, the smile turning into a teasing smirk. "Come now, you're not going to even give us a proper greeting?"

Lucifer hissed his retort. "Fuck you."

Raphael winced as Michael let out a sickening chuckle. He looked to the other council members, noticing Uriel and Saraquael with similar grotesque smiles. Gabriel, Raguel, and Remiel, however, shared in his discomfort, and tossed nervous glances amongst each other.

"Uh, Michael..." Gabriel nervously chimed in after a pause, trying his best to keep a smile on his face, though it was clearly weathered from nerves. "We...we shouldn't delay in discussing why you've brought Lucifer before us so suddenly, especially considering you didn't not get all of our approval before doing so."

Lucifer lifted an eyebrow as Michael's eyelid twitched. The archangel slowly tilted his head back to look at Gabriel, his intense eyes boring holes into the second in command. "Approval was not necessary. I made an executive decision for the safety of the Celestial realm."

Lucifer furrowed his brow. Safety? What was he talking about??

"When you discussed the revamping of the exchange program, I did not expect this to be your ulterior motive." Raguel shook his head in disapproval as he scratched his long, grey beard. "This isn't right, Michael. Send him home."

"And the human too." Remiel added, a furious look on her face. "I know many angels- including yourself- are wary of deceit from humans after what happened with Simeon, but we have no right to-"

"Silence!" Michael slammed his fists on the podium in front of him, breathing hard. The other council members snapped their mouths shut, not wanting to evoke Michael's fury. "Humans as a race are not the problem here. I've explained this to you thick headed fools 5 times already!"

Remiel gasped quietly, looking to Raguel and Gabriel for support. They said noting, only looked on in shock at Michael’s behavior.

Michael continued. "The problem is this particular human, and those who enable her. She should be exterminated for her sins... and Lucifer..."

He glanced to his former brother over the rim of his glasses, seeing his eyes go wide with panic at the acknowledgement that he wanted to have you killed.

He shook his head. "Lucifer is our second biggest threat if we are to get rid of her, and as such he should be imprisoned indefinitely at the very least- if not sentenced to suffer the same fate."

"Agreed." Uriel stated, without hesitation. "It took 5 injections of the strongest sedative we had to bring him down."

"Who knows what destruction he could cause with those brothers of his if we didn't include him in this." Saraqael glared at him, seemingly disgusted by his actions. "We should have executed all of them after their betrayal instead of letting them fall. The blood of their sister still runs through their veins, and the veins of that wretch of a human."

Michael nodded as Lucifer's lips upturned into a snarl. "His brothers will come for him, and prove just how much destruction they're capable of- but they're no match for our army." He turned back to Gabriel, shaking his head once more. "Mercy for blasphemous actions are what lead Simeon to fall in the first place. Are you suggesting you're fine with every angel turning a blind eye to grace and becoming demons themselves? That simply will not do!"

Gabriel gulped, glancing toward Lucifer and then back to Michael. "Demons are allowed to make their own decisions for how they run their realm. Lucifer having the freedom to love a human doesn't concern us at all, Michael. We have already agreed not to become politically invested in the Devildom beyond maintaining peace."

Raguel stood, mirroring Michael's intensity with his hands firmly on his podium. He had enough of Michael's dictator like order over the council, and unfairness in making such extreme decisions without their input. As the oldest member of the council and a man of tradition, he was insulted by Michael's apparent insolence and side-stepping of the parliament rules. "What you've done is akin to a declaration of war! We're you not able to set aside your petty jealousy of father's favoritism for one moment to think of the consequences of your bull-headed actions!?"

"Tch!" He stood and rounded the podium to the front of the room where Lucifer knelt. He paced in front of him, dark brown irises glaring down intensely at the eldest brother, completely ignoring Raguel's words. "Tell me: What would we have done if this human wasn't given the ring of light?"

“I hardly see what this has to do with anything.” Remiel muttered, sharing a nervous glance with Raguel.

“Just answer the question.” Michael demanded, glancing amongst the council. “Tell me what would have happened.”

Gabriel sighed, crossing his arms. "It was told to us by the sorcerer that her pacts with the brothers would have been revoked."

Michael let out a sickening laugh. "And you believed him?"

Gabriel was taken aback by his words. "I beg your pardon?"

"Lucifer needed to die in order to go with that route. Do you really think the demon prince, had he known, would have allowed that?"

There was a pause, before the hesitant council members slowly shook their heads.

Michael nodded, lips turning upwards into a smile. "Precisely. Now, wouldn't there be an easier option that would produce the same results? And it didn't even cross any of their minds."

The room wad quiet for a moment before Michael let out a 'tsk.'

"What they should have done was dispose of the threat. She not only holds pacts with 7 of the strongest demons at their disposal and could be considered a danger to both the Celestial Realm and the Devildom in that right, but weilding that power has made the entire fabric of the universe unstable."

Michael turned to Lucifer, crossing his arms. "Now, wouldn't such a danger to the 3 world's go directly against your precious Diavolo's plans?"

Lucifer swallowed, but remained silent.

"It would." He answered for him, turning back to the council. "And yet, his love for the human resulted in them risking the stability of not just the Devildom, but the Celestial Realm and the human world as well!"

"The solution that was arrived at was a suitable one." Raguel argued. "Providing the human with the ring of light was more than a reasonable solution, And I remember that you had hidden it from the council. Even after Simeon approached us with the option, you were still vehemently against it because of your own pride."

Michael glared at the older archangel. "And what if she were to take the ring off?"

Remiel sighed. "You saw it with your own eyes, Michael. She was terrified. Why in heavens name would she do that?"

"It doesn't matter how or why." Uriel nodded toward Michael. "His point still stands that it's a possibility, and made the option a mediocre one at best."

Raphael gripped his pants tightly in his fist. He wasn't sure who to side with at this point, and kept finding himself thinking back to Luke and the interactions he witnessed between the two of you. Raphael was still indifferent toward you, considering the bias he initially came into the Devildom with, but even a week with you was enough to sway his opinion slightly in the opposite direction.

Perhaps Michael was obsessed and blinded by anger and power, like Raguel had said to him before the meeting.

"Michael...y-you've gone mad..." Gabriel shook his head in a panic. "This isn't the way father would-"

"And how are you to know what father wants!" Michael snapped back. "I am the leader of this council, and I am the direct executor of his will!"

"Enough, Michael!" Remiel shouted, now standing. "The council was elected as a whole to execute father’s will. Cease this absurdity at once, and release these two back to Devildom! They are innocent!"

"Innocent!? Hah!" Michael laughed sarcastically at her. "Even meeting Mc in real life was enough to convince me she is anything but!"

Lucifer growled in warning, wanting desperately to tell Michael to keep your name off his lips.

Michael shook his head, feeling a shiver run through his spine as he remembered his encounter with the human. The way he felt such an unnatural pull toward her made him feel so disgraceful, and only re-affirmed his mindset on how dangerous she was. "Just the way in which she was dressed told me everything about her intentions. She’s clearly well able to use manipulation and seduction to her advantage. No wonder demons and angels alike have a difficult time controlling themselves around her- clearly she's inviting them to defile her!"

"Shut your fucking mouth!" Lucifer finally spat at him, finding himself enraged at the suggestion that your state of dress they had captured you in- that was supposed to be for his eyes only- was somehow an excuse for the trauma you suffered. His eyes bore holes into Michael's as they stared each other down. Lucifer panted, snarling at him as he wrestled with his binds, wanting to beat Michael to death right there.

"Tch." Michael narrowed his eyes. "How pitiful."

"Look, Michael..." Gabriel sighed, "despite your personal feelings on the matter, this entire situation needs further discussion, both amongst the council and with father directly. Until that is done, these two are not to be harmed, and should be returned home."

"We are not doing anything to either of them as long as there is disagreement among the council." Remiel reiterated Gabriel’s words, glaring at Michael with her emerald eyes filled with fire. "That is final."

Michael let out another sickening laugh, making the opposing council members' blood run cold. Even the two who were on his side lost the smirks they displayed through the meeting at the unsettling sound of it.

"This was not a request for any stupid debate, or a vote." He smirked toward Lucifer, who continued to glare at him. "This was just a warning to you that the wheels of retribution are already moving. Her punishment was started well before this meeting, and I saw to it personally."

"Wait...what?" Raphael finally spoke, unsure of what to make of Michael’s words. He glanced uneasily toward Uriel and Saraqael, who shared in his confusion. "Y-you said you would get the councils permission before...before-"

The color drained from Lucifer's face as Michael's smile grew. He felt his stomach churn as Michael folded his arms over his chest, staring Raguel down as the realization of what he had done sunk in to everyone in attendance.

"M-Michael... what did you do to that human?" Gabriel stuttered out, completely blindsided by Michael's descent into madness. He glanced to Lucifer, seeing the Avatar of Pride barely holding on to his emotions.

Michael stayed silent, watching the horror on their faces grow with each passing second. His wicked smile told them everything they needed to know.

#obey me #obey me!#shall we date: obey me #obey me swd #om!#om! one master to rule them all #om! shall we date #obey me lucifer #obey me Simeon #obey me mc #f!mc #obey me f!mc #om! f!mc #obey me fic #om! fic #melancholia #vermillion skies #obey me michael

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legendaryvermin · 19 days

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I don't want to rehash a bunch of discussions I had on Twitter the other day, but I've been thinking about something recently that I wanted to jot down. Basically, oftentimes in trpg

Rules are Scaffolding

I saw a prominent ttrpg designer post a partial blog post (that requires some kinda membership so I probably won't read it) where they asked the following question:

"[What do rules do for me that can't be achieved thru freeform rp]?"

Maybe this question is a good one on their part, answered thoughtfully. To me, it smacks of expert's bias.

For some background, I play predominantly in 2 kinds of games: a home game of half a dozen local folks where I am, and a bunch of Actual Play live shows where I'm usually a player. My home group is made up almost entirely of people who have been playing ttrpgs only in the last decade, and who are there not because they love storytelling and strive to get better at it, but because we are pals and it's a good way to have fun on a Saturday afternoon when yr in yr 30's. The AP scene- which regularly co-mingles with the design scene- is full of people who have played a lot of characters, have tons of experience telling stories, making and characterizing their PC's, and generally making me cheer and breaking my heart as they do so. My home group has a player who, bless her, doesn't really have a personality for her characters that isn't just her in a hat.

I bring this up because I have played APs of games with lots of different degrees of structure for players, and truly, I can see how someone gets to the question "what does a game do that playing pretend doesn't" when they are only in environments where people are already very accomplished pretend-players. It seems like a legitimate question when the outcome of any ruleset with the folks you play with is more or less the same, just with a different aesthetic setting.

*But the validity of the question goes out the window when I'm playing with people who don't do this shit all the time.*

Here's a short list of things that I have seen my close friends struggle with in low-structure games:

Sharing the spotlight

Creating a central conflict

Having character relationships that change

Knowing when to end a scene

Knowing when to let time pass

Doing the thing instead of meticulously planning it

Focusing on one idea rather than chasing every butterfly

Creating interesting consequences

I could go on.

I have learned that my friends enjoy themselves way more when a game meets them halfway, because they aren't all professional pretend-makers. When a game uses rules to help tell a player what their character can or can't do, when it illustrates the consequences, when it gives them numbers that change how they interact with the world, they are much more dynamic players, and they enjoy the stories they tell that much more. Not every group needs that scaffolding, and some groups need it more in one place than another. Some scaffolding (combat, most often ime) takes the place of the kinds of roleplay and pretend making that people would otherwise enjoy, and sometimes the scaffolding brings the players, rather than the characters, into conflict.

Put another way, rules shape play the same way a playground does.

Some kids are happy to have nothing but an empty lot and their imaginations.

Some kids don't know what to do with their bodies until they see the monkey bars.

#ttrpg #game design #rpg design #indie ttrpg #dnd #ttrpg design #d&d

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lorephobic · 3 months

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your first thought being that you want to kill a real person who died fighting the nazis for having a “meaningless” death is absolutely batshit. you cannot be surprised people are not happy with you when that’s your opening musing. it’s outright disrespectful and even if you were joking…jokes are supposed to be funny.

i think i’ve already explained my stance here, but i guess i’ll use this ask to go over it civilly and with the detail that it deserves, since apparently we are making this into a big deal.

• this was not ever meant to be seen as my mota thesis. after watching the ep, i had already posted a long thread on twitter explaining my thoughts, as well as talked to my other friends who were watching the show and aired my grievances to them. that joke should not have been the first thing that i posted to tumblr, but in my mind, it was supplemental to the many thoughts that i’d already typed out and shared.

• i did not anticipate that post being seen by that many people outside of my small circle, many of whom had already heard my full thoughts on twitter & discord and wouldn’t have misconstrued my meaning and frustration with the show. as i’ve said since, #mota is my personal tag for the show, i didn’t think people were using it as a main tag and i would have never tagged it with that if i knew that people outside of my followers, and the niche that i’ve created on this blog, would see it.

• the joke itself is being misinterpreted entirely and i know it’s not like. funny, but my intention with it was never even to be disrespectful to the irl curtis biddick who i have no personal qualms with LMAO. it is not his fault that he died the way that he died, but it IS the show writer’s fault for not doing anything to make that death meaningful and impactful to the television series that is supposed to be entertaining. i misspoke when i said the the real life curt’s death was meaningless (obviously bombing the nazis is important) but i genuinely only said all of that to point out my own deranged frustration with barry’s role in the show. i don’t actually wish any harm to the real curtis biddick, the joke is supposed to be on me for being insane enough to want to warp time and space to create a better story for curtis because the mota writers in eighty years are not going to do him any favors when telling his story. which of course gives me more (& better) barry content. which is all i ever wanted from this fucking show.

• i made that post in a moment of frustration and my anger that should have gone toward the writers (and did in other forums) definitely hit the wrong target here. i understand why people are mad about it but i think it’s been such a disproportionate response to me making an unfunny joke in the tags of a post that was taken out of context and only my friends were supposed to see. if you don’t like what i’m posting then ignore it?? if you actually find it offensive, then tell me to my face so we can talk about it?? idk. dragging me thru the mud in front of ur followers is so weird !

#mota #mota discourse #asks #i guess thats my piece lol #sry i thought disrespecting us army vets was the norm around here #i never imagined that THIS is what i would be cancelled for on tumblr dot com LOL #BUT AGAIN I WASNT EVEN TRYING TO DISRESPECT HIM #and if i did then who fucking cares SKDJDHDGD #like r we really going to fight over??? military propaganda?????#mota (and shows like it) r sooo dulce et decorum est pro patria mori ykwim #I KNOW THE NAZIS ARE THE BAD GUYS #BUT THE MILITARY IS STILL BAD #IS THIS A HOT TAKE??? HERE???? ON TUMBLR DOT COM??????

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capriciouscaprine · 21 days

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good morning!!!!! I had good number news this morning!!! lotsssss of numbers below, just fyi

I haven't really talked about my goals or current numbers on here, in part bc I was worried that if that was one of the first things I posted, whatever flagging bot gets used on here (I know, it's mostly crusaders who go thru the tags and mass repo blogs that gets us distapeared) would see those things and I'd be on their no-fly list immediately

plus, there's something to be said for the fear of saying something out loud, when I've not been the sort of person to stick to hobbies and things before

BUT

last week, I hit a goal of $125.4 (iirc), which means I hit a simultaneous goal of a 'healthy' -$5/month for 15 months straight, for a total of -$75.00 from my starting balance of $200.00

which, I honestly was having trouble being excited about hitting that goal bc of our common habit of rounding up, so any decimals next to that number it feel like I hadn't actually hit it, and I had worked REALLY HARD to get there, including a multi-mile treadmill walk and everything

BUT

my check in day is monday (start the week off informed!); on tuesday the monthly obnoxiousness started, and most of us who experience that will skip check in days that are close to it bc it messes with our bodies so much, so our measurements will be inaccurate

then, last week was spring break for my internship, but it's only two days a week, so I spent two days last week almost entirely sitting at my computer, working on my course work

meanwhile, in the same week, I clocked THEE MOST hours at my almost entirely outdoor, moderately physical job in about six months aka since about mid-fall, as late fall thru early spring is our slow season and things are now picking back up; I spent the week planting seedlings, repairing fences, running around after babies, and doing deeper cleaning now that things are warmer and deep bedding isn't so much of a priority

which, I spent last summer consistently dropping without thinking too much about it, tbh, and I'm pretty sure now that it's bc of this job (there was other stuff like switching from regular ice cream to halo top, etc, but on the whole I wasn't doing things like counting and I hadn't even made this blog yet)

and for meals this week, I seemed to average just about 1k; some days were higher and others were lower, some days I felt like an unwilling black hole and others I was just... fine after eating a small lunch/dinner (I keep weird hours, it was the final meal of the day for me, idk); plus, no semi-fraught Easter lunch with my family

that brings us to today's check in

$123.2

officially, for realsies, under that $125.00 goal, and also the amount I claimed on my drivers license bc I thought it was funny and it was only a little lower than my actual amount BEFORE UNIVERSITY, AND very genuinely really close to a secret goal I've had since I heard it as a song lyric in 11th grade: $120.00

I know, it's such a silly thing to base a goal off of, and really highlights just how pervasive unrealistic body standards are, that some man stated it as the measure of a fictional grown woman he was writing about who you KNOW he envisioned as being 'curvy' and taller than a literal child

but I'm still gonna hit it

and yep, I'm once of those people who have reduced their goals over time; you think a number sounds really low, and then you find out how much people who look the way you want to measure in at, and realize that if that's where you wanna be, this number isn't going to have you looking like that unless it's mostly muscle, and I'm for sure not mostly muscle

anyways, introspection on societal pressures out of the way, this morning's breakfast was a 1/3 of a cup of egg substitute (50), two low f 'canadian bacon' slices (20 each for 40 together), a slice of lite toast (45) with lite country crock spread (about 1/2 a tblsp, so half of 35), and my coffee (25), so that's a relatively high f and protein breakfast for just under 200 (and of course we round up to the bigger whole number!)

I was hoping to feel satiated from that, but it's not quite hitting like yesterday's grilled cheese did; ah, well, just one more data point to take note of!

now, fingers crossed I can finish this presentation before work this morning!!!

#cc og #the slimmening

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smol-grey-tea · 19 days

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Have you ever struggled with jealousy cause of your maladaptive daydreaming? I'm struggling with jealousy against a real life celebrity from my hometown living my dream life. I never thought anyone from where I'm from would be famous. But now they are & living my dream creatively. Also this person is beautiful unlike me. I'm not as talented, chronically shy & don't meet beauty standards thus I wouldn't be successful in this career. Plus my deeply religious upbringing & people pleasing wouldn't allow me to try & join. I can't even tell my parents I'm an atheist. It sucks cause only two years ago I used to pray my maladaptive daydreams would come true somehow. I literally need to find a way to stop being jealous cause this celebrity is all over the internet. I either have to drop social media or find a way to mute this celebrity on all platforms. I live on the internet cause I have zero friends. It's my daydreaming haven. Or I could just try "exposure therapy" & read the posts while 'crying' in JEALOUSY. I tried talkspace, cause I was to embarrassed to tell a therapist in person. But unfortunately for me my therapist didn't consider maladaptive daydreaming or my jealousy a serious thing. But I get an upset stomach every time I see a post of this celebrity it sucks. I hate this feeling I want to be happy for people not jealous. Especially when I know I'll never ever live out my daydreams. Usually I use celebs as an inspiration I don't know why I can't do that with this celeb...

Hi! It seems you found my blog from a post I made back when my blog was about MaDD. I do still have MaDD, even if I no longer post about it, but it's definitely definitely much easier to handle now. I used to have to pace every single day for hours at a time, so much that I would even have to pace while I was on sleepovers with my friend and would have to delay leaving my house for multiple hours for the purpose of daydreaming and pacing

You sound like you are not only struggling with the amount of daydreaming and how much time it takes out of your day, but also how it affects you emotionally and your view of your own life and such. And I know, it does suck. I did the same thing as you; I did try to wish my daydreams into existence, and at the age of 14 I tried to escape my own reality, thinking it was a simulation, thanks to the voices I heard.. I know what it's like to be so unhappy in your own reality :(

And I know how bad it feels when people don't take your experiences seriously. I tried to seek help at sixth form and when I described my MaDD as an illness similar to OCD, the counselor completely ignored the daydreaming aspect and how it affects me entirely and only focused on the compulsiveness of the pacing I do whilst daydreaming. I felt like I wasn't being listened to so I completely gave up on that. Therapists should prioritise the patient and what they want to focus on, rather than what they think is right or wrong.

It quite wrecked my education and I practically failed cuz the urge to pace was so strong I couldn't study and had to do all homework the night before. It was quite hell. It sounds like you are going thru just that.

To help you with this, I think I'd have to know a bit more about your situation and how similar it may or may not have been to my own. I'm going to assume that you still live with your parents and may still be in some kind of education, so you might still be quite young? And I don't know what country you live in, so I'm not sure what the health services are like where you live. Either way, here's my experience:

After finishing education, I tried to get a job. I managed to get about 2 and a half days into the job before having to quit because of the panic on the job being too strong. Nothing much wrong with the job itself, my brain just felt like I physically couldn't/shouldn't be doing that job

When I told the job centre about why I quit, they urged me to go to the doctor about the anxiety. It took a long while, since I'd never been to the doctor on my own before, but I finally got an appointment

I spoke to a doctor about my experiences and I've been on sertraline ever since then. On sertraline, my urges to pace/daydream still occur, but much less often and to a much tamer degree. It's a lot easier to ignore (altho it has been a while since I've gone a day without pacing 😬 my longest streak was 4 days, but my mental health has plummeted since my nan's funeral in February, so I've not been making as much of an effort to reduce pacing.... Wait, does that mean it's been like 4 months???? God..)

I think this got slightly off topic since you were actually asking me about if I experienced jealousy. I don't think I've had that experience necessarily but I do definitely relate to the experience of desperately wanting, needing that life, even if it's not even an objectively good one..

It sounds like you feel like this because of not recognising your own potential tho. If this other person from your home town can achieve it, why can't you? Even if you feel shy, I think it's still worth it to work on your skills in your own time and privacy where you feel comfortable

If fame and love is where this need is coming from tho, perhaps you could try and find love in other ways instead of looking specifically for being a celebrity? Altho, having experienced your experiences, I understand that it's not all just about the feeling the daydream gives you, it's about being in that world specifically in real life, so I understand if that advice isn't exactly helpful to you

I don't know about your specific circumstances but I highly recommend starting medication if you haven't already. It doesn't work for everyone but it has done wonders for myself and if there's a chance that you can get the same success, then it is 1000% worth it just to try. I was scared of it taking away my daydreams, and while your brain gets used to the change in hormones, things do go haywire for a bit, but then it evens out really nicely and, in my experience, my daydreams have stayed intact at least til today, so you don't have to worry about that ❤

Please don't hesitate to reach out if you have more questions. I do encourage asking myself and other MaDDers about their experiences, you'll get more help from them than from therapists imo. I don't want you to feel hopeless. I myself haven't experienced the jealousy but I am certain that you will find someone else who's had the exact same experience.

Please do not lose hope!!!! (*ˊᗜˋ*)ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ for reaching out!!!!!! There is an end to this hell, I promise you, it is out there. I know how hard it is, I promise. But it is possible to live with your daydreams and not have them make such a strong impact on your life ❤❤❤ you are worth it, please keep trying 😊 (*ˊᗜˋ*)ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ

#my post #ask #madd #actually madd #maladaptive daydreaming disorder #i can link you my Spotify music playlists if you'd like any of those..... 👀

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enthyrea · 7 months

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Ur post finally pushed me over the edge to send an ask, I really love ur art style and how u portray the TGM characters but I didn’t know what to say but you’ve given me the ideas

How did you get into top gun and what i s your coyote bg. I always thought he was a cool character but not my fav so it’s really intriguing to see your obsession with him (a good obsession tho)

I would have turned off anon but you can’t use blogs to post questions 😔

hello lovely anon, thank you so much for the kind words! i answered the coyote question here, it's totally understandable that he's not ur favorite lolol considering he's a pretty side... side character. but he's my dude <3

i got into topgun in a very roundabout way actually, my mom's a huge tom cruise fan and insisted we watch tgm in theaters when it came out since she watched tg86 in theaters when that came out. we watched tg86 before watching tgm and i was like "yeah its good whatever lol" (meanwhile my mom was sobbing the entire last thirty minutes of tgm)

i didn't really get into topgun properly until january this year when my mom (again) randomly put it on the tv cuz we were all bored and i watched up until the dagger bar scene and something in my brain clicked and i was like "oh it's time to not be normal about this series" and here i am ten months later.

i dont wanna make this too sad but i was also going thru a period of heavy grief after losing a family member and i think the way tg86 and tgm portray grief is very visceral and relatable and i latched onto that, especially after rewatching tgm with all the goose and ice talk. it was a nice way to cope a little bit.

but anyways. gay people and planes going fast <3

#all jokes aside i love this fandom yall are great #i came from a bigger fandom with lots of . well. TOO MUCH in general so its nice to be in a smaller more comfy space #and everyone here is so talenteddddd #it was really icemav that got me to go Crazy with a capital c #not my art #just chatting #am i rambling? prolly

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wabblebees · 1 year

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okay im probably very behind but. what the actual fuck did tunglr dot hell do to the image+video function on mobile (rant ahead)

i used to be able to tap an image to bring it up to fullscreen, and from there i was able to zoom in+out (whether with a pinch in/out OR a doubletap), swipe left/right (to slideshow thru every image in the entire thread, whether in the original post or the subsequent reblogs), and ALSO swipe up/down to leave and go back to my dash and the full post. going fullscreen brought up the lil like/rb/share icons in the corner, but if you didnt need them, tapping once on the image made them disappear so you could Focus On The Image You Were Looking At.

with videos, i could click to bring it fullscreen, tap the centre of the screen to pause, and swipe left or right to skip however far forward or back. tapping elsewhere onscreen made the time bar on the bottom pop up, along with the mute/unmute icon and the like/rb/share icons. tapping again made these things disappear. swiping up or down would slide you out of the fullscreen viewer and back to your dash.

this was perfect! it worked wonderfully! no complaints!

but NOW when i click an image, it gives me all this extraneous information i Didn't Fucking Need Or Want (whoever's blog it came from, plus who THEY reblogged it from, plus a tiny snippet of a random caption ((not alt text!! not image ids!! just Other Words!!)) that MAY OR MAY NOT even be from the specific version of the thread im looking at, PLUS the number of images youre swiping thru, P L U S the like/rb/share icons.)

Nothing Makes This Bullshit Go Away. and having all that extra bullshit in the way fucks up the image quality all to hell anyway, but ALSO?? no longer can i even ZOOM IN ON THE IMAGES. it doesnt allow you to swipe through every image in the thread anymore, just the images in *that particular section* of the chain!! on top of all THAT, you cannot swipe out to exit this view anymore! you have to press your back button! bc APPARENTLY by SWIPING UP ((ON AN IMAGE, MIND YOU, NOT EVEN A VIDEO)), it tries to take you to something called """"tumblr tv"""" which im assuming is their version of endless fucking tiktok scrolling/instagram reels. which... fuck that noise, all the way to hell.

on trying to watch a regular-ass video, it gave me a similar amount of extraneous annoying information that i couldnt tap away from. like how fucking tiktok has it so you cant escape the side icons+captions+user handles and shit. i dont WANT that shit. if i clicked to make the video fullscreen, i want the video to be taking up the full screen!! i dont WANT none of this weird other shit you cant get rid of,, i have no use for it!! thats what playing the video OUT OF FULLSCREEN IS FOR, Hellsite You Idiot Bastard.

so uhh. anyway. if anyone has any ideas for how i can Get Rid Of/Turn Off this goddamn fucking """feature,""" i would really appreciate it. i did a once-over of settings earlier but didnt see any new obviously stupid buttons, so im not sure where else to start

#i havent updated the app #so i dont even know when/how/why this shit got implimented #but i fucking hate it #it immediately made the app WAY fucking worse than it was #i really liked using this site to look at art and shit:( but my eyes are shit and now i cant even fucking ZOOM IN #i hope theres a way out of this. ik people arent fans of mobile but i seriously cant stand desktop for long #the landscape/short×wide layout is annoying as hell for my brain for some reason #and i can never remember the shortcuts well enough to actually git gud at using them so i spend the whole time im on there vaguely annoyed #long post #i was fine with the itty-bittied .gifs & images after polls updated bc that was funny at least #this is just ridiculous and obnoxious #bee speaks

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boxwinebaddie · 3 months

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Hey Uncle Nina! I hope this doesn't sound rude, but why aren't you on AO3 anymore? I miss you :(

hi, anon! no this is not rude at all -- that is a very valid question! plus, it can be really confusing and disheartening when an author that you follow on ao3 randomly stops posting! i totally, totally get it! <3 :')

but for me, at least, posting my updates onto ao3 got suuuper stressful and unpleasant. like literally shredded my mental health.

but this!!! this is Fun for me <3 :) there's just somethin abt tumblr, idk.

i was holding myself to all these standards on ao3, stressing myself the fuck out...& i know i'm not supposed to delete the asks i respond to, but its nice that if i feel that compulsion, i can delete stuff/edit it without it being this big, gigantic thing i'm tampering w/.

...because an ask disappearing when i'm anxious is a bummer, but me deleting Entire Chapters and possibly entire fanfictions because of panic attacks i got...due largely in part to the ungodly Stress i incurred while writing them? not cute.

also, it was a little different when style/sp was super popular on ao3 and there were new fanfics/updates for stories everyday so when you posted something, it was very low stakes and if you just gave the tags a couple hours, your fic could be washed away onto page 2/3...

...but ohHHHHH my god its so SLOW right now!!! that i shit you not updates are sitting on the front page for like multiple days??? which is nice for people that want exposure ( and deserve it tbh! ) but a large part of the ao3 posting stress was me...watching my fic get views and not get kudosed or commented on so...if i was updating rn, i would be in hell. and i'm already in hell 25/8 doing my damn job.

which! i'm a working lady! i'm very busy and stressed! running a tumblr blog is waaaay less stressful than constantly updating a fanfiction tbh. and whats more? this is stress relieving for me. <333

i enjoy this little community of people who like my content on tumblr. its less vulnerable than a03 and way less aggressive than twitter. fr. you guys are super nice to me on here and i never feel stressed or pressured ever to post stuff. <33 its really fun for me to be able to answer really super specific questions about my fanfic for people who are actively seeking out that information! like its very...curated.

and its very specific in terms of my fanfics/ncuniverse stuff, but its nice for me because i can post a variety of diff content! like i can post up my little para things, snippets of dialogue, be silly and goofy in my ask memes, but also really serious in my ask memes, i can be in depth or mysterious, sad, funny, happy, really weird like idk you guys, i really enjoy the freedom i have on here to...create without limits? ig

it feels like i can give you a shit ton of information in different mediums without having to update my fanfics, like, idk, i guess its probably not as exciting to see my ask meme answers as it is to get fanfic updates, but i try to make them like little updates, yknow? it was also really annoying to have to keep you guys in the dark abt stuff in my fics/ideas i have bc i...havent updated, so now its like!! i can tell you stuff again which!!! AAAA!!! makes me so happy omg

but yeah, sorry for the sudden switch. sorry for not really writing but...this is much better for me. i feel a lot safer and comfortable doing this. i like answering my ask memes...i like talking to yall. in terms of my fanfics, i'm not entirely sure what that means...like if i'm going to update on ao3 or if i'm gonna just post experimental updates or pieces of my fics on here? if i'm just gonna tell all my stories thru elaborate answers to ur questions...

idk! IDK! and thats okay. i am having fun and i hope you have fun. thats all that matters. <3

-uncle nina in her healing idgaf era

#sorry tldr #ao3 was stressful #i dont like twitter #i like tumblr i like doing my asks i like answering ur specific questions and idk i feel like we built a lovely community on here #where like u guys ask me stuff u wanna know and i tell u idk i feel like we are having a little book club i like it here #i like that i can like make ooc posts like hey guys what do we think about the style yuri? when im off 3 ciders #or that i can in depth describe scenes to you through the hc asks and you get that info but in a less stressful and formal way #than it would be if i had to write that up as a para #but then the freedom to write para things or long form stuff or even just dialogue and post that to a group of people who are excited 4 it #like theres just so much possibility and its very low stakes #if i get overwhelmed answering the big ask memes i can take a break w/o consequence or do less serious asks #i can shoot you guys ideas and also talk about my life in a safe place where i feel supported #i can drop you guys experimental stuff i'm worried about and have it received by people who will be kind to me abt it in ways i am not ofte #with myself idk like this blog seriously saved my life a little #and i am very happy here and i love you guys and i love my stupid tumblr abt my stupid au style fics with the best readers in the world #i hope people are okay with me being a tumblr primary ff retired for now girlie i'm sorry if thats upsetting but i also try to keep it cute #on here like i feel like we can just do so much more like this and i can talk to you guys and be so specific idk i love this sm

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dreamingofthedteam · 4 months

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so i saw the video and im really happy for dream and that he can finally leave this entire thing behind him get it off his shoulders and just go on ahead and post mc content (ALSO YAY MINECRAFT DREAM BACK IN 2024 LETS GOOOOOOOO)

the thing that saddened me the most about this was the doxxing and swatting stuff. like that is a very horrible thing to have to go thru. that shit is not a joke i imagine, living in a country that is notorious for an overpowered police force. and i hope to fucking god that what dream predicted (that this shit is going to get out of the mcyt space and into other yt communities over time) will not turn out to be true. the story about sapnap moving in with him so that he can answer the door to the fucking police while hes live just..its depressing man. and god i hadnt ever even heard of the time he got swatted while george was live that was a fucking jumpscare he must have been so worried

but. also. i think its time for, well me atleast, to self reflect a bit? ig? for context im talking about the end of the video where he restated his boundaries. im not someone who likes to stay in the problematic parts of the internet. i run from drama like its the wildfire from asoiaf. ( i also have caved in and posted abt neg stuff im not denying anything but i try to limit to private posts) and to think that i in any way could be on the wrong side of this all by shipping dnf? it gives me a bit of self doubt, ngl. i dont know if what i do would be classified as "srs shipping" or i would be put into "/srs dnf truther" by others, but i def thought and kinda still think 'oh dnf real' and now i just dont know where i stand..? i definitely need to think on it a bit. also i think i have interacted with nsfw art on this blog before, and goddamit i cant even check coz stupid me didnt even bother to tag properly, but from now on all nsfw art (not that i expect there to be many more) will be properly tagged. and if its not just tell me (idk who even is reading this anymore but whatever). as to dnf posting? idk. ill have to wait and see the general mood on here

and also like, that bit def has left a sour taste in my mouth AND IM NOT SAYING THATS DREAMS FAULT but its just...its tough man. dream having to change his mindset on fan spaces because of all this just saddens me a lot. and him saying that has then changed MY mindset on fandom, especially rpf, as someone whose both primary fandoms are rpf. i hope maybe in the future dream is able to engage on a more positive level and not have to just cut himself off from it entirely (im not sad abt him leaving twitter like, good riddance bitches, but i think i'll just miss a random tweet from him to wake up to)

#i was just thinking of this the entire time i got up after watching the video when i was (trying to) fix my stupid throat and its cough #ie general human things that have to be performed to stay human like eat breakfast (i only had an apple why am i so lazy) so i can take med #((i will have proper lunch i swear to god))#and i just had to write it all out to make any sense of it all #like idc if no one reads this really its long and even more ramblier than usual #anyway idk just thoughts #(do not anyone send me anon hate tho pls im not in a mood to negatively debate abt this with anyone)#((you can ask me any questions nicely tho :) ))#now lets see what some of my beloved (affectionate) people have said on here

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lemony-snickers · 2 years

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it has been funny reading thru these survey results (the one referenced in this post).

full disclosure, i do not follow the blog that conducted the survey & didn’t know it was happening, i’ve just been perusing the answers on and off since seeing that post.

also gonna put this shit under a cut because nobody needs to hear my meandering thoughts on a thing that does not actually concern me asldfjasd

anyway.

sooooo many of the salty responses (and these are not the majority, they are just louder than the rest), the people who are complaining complaining about writers “not doing their job” and similar sorts of things seem typically to be upset about the following:

writers not writing enough

writers not writing the specific content they want to see

writers having other interests

writers lamenting burnout and lack of engagement, which they perceive as the writer’s fault

and like. i just want to know.

how much is someone supposed to write? how much is enough writing?

because when i started this blog i posted almost once a day. an utterly & totally unsustainable pace. burnout is real. it really happens. even when you love something a lot, it can still weigh you down.

and it is so easy, i think, to get caught up in the feedback loop. to think “oh people like what i am doing, therefore i shoul do more of it.”

but at a certain point that is literally not possible. i did burn myself out. i had to step back because what i was doing could not be maintained.

i have posted approximately 5k-10k words per week on average, over the last two-ish months. maybe that doesn’t seem like a lot to some people, but from an objective perspective, i’m gonna go out on a limb and say it is. (and, you know, for once i will say i actually know what i’m talking about.)

is that enough? should i be doing more?

more than half of the writing i have posted to this blog has been based on requests received. and you know what? more than half of those posted this year, i have never heard from the person who requested them. anon requests, i understand, are submitted in such a way for a variety of reasons. and i’m not expecting someone to “out” themselves on their blog by rb’ing their smutty kakashi/reader request onto their wholesome recipe blog or whatever.

but until recently, my ask box was open. and i still did not receive asks from the folks who requested some of these fics. just a, “hey that was nice. :)”

i used to, but somewhere along the way, i lost that and i don’t know what i did wrong, you know? because according to these folks, i am doing something wrong.

am i expecting too much? i spend hours writing. i spend hours and hours and hours creating content for other people. i do not have a ko-fi. i cannot offer commissions.

is hoping for some recognition of the labor that goes into writing really so much to ask?

writing as a whole is entirely devalued in our society. there is this expectation that anyone can write.

and you know what? i am actually one of those people. when i lost my job as a freelance writer, i thought, “that makes sense. i’m not that special.”

but the time it takes is still time. the effort it takes is still effort. even if everyone can sit down and write 50k words of smutty fanfiction, most people won’t.

the idea that burnout is “not real” or that writers need to “just post consistently” in order to maintain interest in their work is absurd.

i write almost every single day, but not every day is as productive as i would like it to be. i recently had to help care for a loved one in hospice. it was incredibly stressful; i travelled out of state, lived on an air mattress away from my spouse for a week while being under intense emotional and physical stress (dementia is a fucking monster, y’all). i came home, stayed a week, returned the following weekend to say my goodbyes, drove back home, learned of my loved one’s death on the drive and cried in a rest stop parking lot, spent another week at home, and then returned for the memorial service where i had to give the eulogy because no one else in my family could.

it was exhausting. and i worked every day but one that entire time, remotely or in the office. i took phone calls from my grandmother’s bedroom and while i signed for hospital equipment and morphine refills.

and still i posted fanfic. still i wrote requests for people even though all i wanted to do was chuck myself over a cliff.

is that not enough? will it ever be enough? will anything?

is it so absurd that i would post about that? is grief a reasonable enough excuse to post something annoying and not what people followed me for?

idk. listen, i think i am a garbage human with no talent, lol. the fact that people do not comment much on my work, do not reblog it, always lands on my shoulders as a cloak of, “told you you were worthless.”

and, obviously, that is my own thing. that is its own problem. but what else is a person supposed to think? when you spend countless hours writing something only to post it with the highest hopes and to hear nothing in return?

what is that supposed to mean if not, “sorry, but not good enough?”

in the end, all we can control is what we ourselves do. the energy we put out into the world. and i just cannot imagine being so hateful or judgemental or cruel. i cannot tell you how often i have had someone say, “i’d love a sequel to this!” without sparing just a moment to tell me why.

the why matters, you know. if someone’s work is good enough for you to read, good enough for you to ask for.

oughtn’t it be good enough for you to say why?

i’ve not been great at keeping up with my fellow writers lately and for that i do apologize. but i hope you all know from my past screaming comments and reblogs and recommendations how much i value the work you do. how much i see the effort you put in.

because someone should tell you it is. someone should tell you that it’s okay to feel burned out or sad or to stop writing for a while because you need to do something else.

i’ll tell you. i’m not great at telling myself, yet, but maybe eventually i’ll get there.

ramble over. ily all very much, take care of yourselves. <3

#lemony rambles #tldr; don't read #instead of reading this actually just #support your content creators #because they deserve it <3

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