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sungbeam · 10 months

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𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐞 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 — act I, scene iii

nonidol!hwang intak x f!reader

when summit poster boy hwang intak's car breaks down in the school parking lot, it sets off a chain of events that leads to you, someone he was perhaps always meant to find. the only problem is that the two of you are far from the ideal couple, and your peers are apt to keep that status quo.

▷ genre, chapter warnings. s2f2l, classism and discrimination, forbidden romance au, minimal swearing, angst, humor, kind of gray morals

▷ word count. 3.6k

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a/n: i've realized this has been pretty fast-paced but it's only cuz i wanna get to the good parts 😭💀

SUMMER (RISING JUNIORS).

YN stepped into the cooler, darkened building of the repair shop and immediately reached for her towel sitting on the front desk. As she swiped away the sweat dripping down her face and neck, she guzzled down as much water from her bottle as she could intake at once. It was a hot day out, and usually there were fans set up in the garage area, but the electricity had stopped working three hours ago.

The door flew open, and Jongseob's sopping wet head of hair poked inside. "Hey, lover boy messaged you."

She rolled her eyes. "Stop snooping, Jongseob."

He smiled with a shrug. "Tell that to your notification sound."

"And his name is not lover boy."

For some reason, that made Jongseob's smile grow wider, but before she could question it, he ducked back outside. She knew that if she appeared immediately after him, he and Soul would never let her live it down, so she continued to take her time drinking water and patting herself dry. As usual, it was a relatively slow day at the shop, and her mom had left the three of them there to watch the grass grow. She wasn't supposed to be in any hurry.

When she finally stepped back into the garage, she was greeted by a wave of heat that almost knocked her over. She felt the sweat drip down the side of her face again, despite having cooled down inside just seconds ago. Jongseob's playlist of r&b hits filled the space along with the familiar sounds of metal fixings.

Soul and Jongseob were both at their respective stations, so she made her way over to her own station and picked up her phone. Sure enough, there were messages from Intak sent about five minutes ago.

tak: *sent a picture*

tak: one of my friends just got back from his trip and we're at the roller skating rink in the crossroads 👀👀👀 maybe i'll see u here later??? wink wonk

Yn smiled to herself, but tried to suppress it for the sake of her own ego and pride (and the two others blatantly watching her from their stations). She had changed the contact name from "jae" to "tak" a couple days after first reaching out to him. It had seemed natural to let go of the contact name and bring in something new; it was an attempt at moving along in the grieving process, if you would.

The image Intak had sent was a selfie of him in fuschia-toned lighting, most likely from the neon lights in the Crossro-ller Rink in the Crossroads community halfway up the hill. His black hair was tousled just slightly in an effortless sort of mess, but he wore a plain black T-shirt and a chain collar, his lips pursed at the camera. He didn't show which friend he was with, but it wasn't like she would have paid attention to him anyway.

"Awwwh, Soul look! She's blushing!"

Yn rolled her eyes again and blindly flipped Jongseob the bird over her shoulder. His cackles of delight echoed in the garage, accompanied by Soul's softer laugh.

yn's phone: i have to give it to u, i think ur getting better at this "being smooth" thing

yn's phone: but i have to work, sorry buddy wink wonk

The thought did cross her mind, even for a split second, to ditch the shop and go to the roller skating rink. Intak would never know who she was—just another poor girl crawling up from the gutter to skate around. The thrill of it energized her though, and she set her phone aside to get back to work with just a hint of a skip in her step.

Jongseob peered out from under the car he was tweaking. "You're so whipped; it's insane," he teased with a feigned gag.

When she stuck her tongue out at him, her phone dinged to announce another incoming message. And another. And another—

"Are you gonna get that or should I?" Jongseob gestured to her station table with one oil-stained hand. He grinned at her scowl. "You're so touchy, sheesh. Fine, but if it's important and you miss it…"

Yn grumbled under her breath and stomped back over to her phone. "You're so stupid."

"And you're stupid whipped!" He cackled, then ducked out of view.

tak: r…. r u mocking me or were the winks genuine…..

tak: wait where do u work :0

tak: ur missing out tho yk 😋

tak: *sent a video*

tak: wait wdym u THINK? i AM GOOD AT BEING SMOOTH

The new picture looked like the saved recording from a Snapchat story. It was him and Yoon Keeho skating around the roller rink beneath the combination of a sparkly disco ball and rainbow neon lights. He still looked as good as he did in the picture, and the video gave a top view that was angled downward over the two tall boys' heads. Yn had definitely seen Keeho and his head of dark blue hair around school before. From what she had heard through the grapevine, he had an awful lot of sass and character stored up in him.

yn's phone: that's confidential :l

yn's phone: looks like a lot of fun! haven't been up there in awhile tbh but i'll think about going soon maybe (^^ゞ

yn's phone: whatever helps u sleep at night tak 🤕🤥

The smile on her face slipped as she read her own messages back, though. Her eyes caught onto one phrasing in particular—the words "up there" yelled at her from the screen with about a dozen sirens blaring. She slapped a hand to her forehead. "Fuuuck."

Her friends peered up from their projects, eyes wide with curiosity and concern. "What? What happened?"

"I said to him 'up there' in relation to the roller rink. There's no way he doesn't know I'm from the Hollows—" Her words were cut off by Intak's own replies.

tak: "tak" 🥰😩😗🥺🫂 someone hold me that's so cute

"I guess not," Jongseob said as he peered over her shoulder at the message, Soul leaning over on her other side. "Man, that's disgusting. Even he's fluffy."

Yn scoffed and waved him off. "Oh, shut up you."

yn's phone: ur friend can hold u lmao

tak: u don't wanna hold me? 😔

yn's phone: if u figure out who i am, then sure ;]

tak: game on.

Though there was a part of her that wanted to get to know Intak like she had his brother, she knew there would be consequences. If he found out her social standing, it could lose her Intak, for one. Even though his brother didn't believe in following the foul classism and bullying his peers up on the hill participated in, that didn't mean Intak felt the same way. (Though, she wanted so badly to believe the opposite.)

It wouldn't matter anyway, right? Losing him? If he discriminated against her based on her income and where she lived, then he could screw off.

(It wasn't like she wasn't used to losing people anyway.)

"Oh my god, who is making you blush so hard, dude?"

Intak's head shot up from where it had been buried nose-deep in his and Yn's text chain. He subtly moved his brother's phone screen out of sight as Keeho came to sit down next to him on the leather sectional. The two of them had come back to Keeho's house about an hour ago from the roller skating rink, legs and backs and behinds aching from hours of skating. It had been a breath of fresh air, getting out of the house. As vast as the Hwang estate was, it was never big enough. Intak had always felt suffocated, and perhaps that was partly because his father shared a living space with him.

"Hm?" Intak mentally willed his heart to calm down.

Keeho eyed him strangely, but his smile was teasing. He reached for the remote to unpause the movie on screen. "Are you still purging Jae hyung's phone? You've been pretty occupied with it ever since the last few weeks of school." Keeho tossed a piece of popcorn into his mouth, and Intak cautiously reached for a handful of the buttery treat for himself.

If "purging" meant keeping in contact with one of his older brother's old friends, then yes. Because of Yn, he probably spent more screen time on Jaehyuk's phone than on his own device. "Yeah, I guess you can say that. Just lots of stuff I didn't know about him."

Intak sunk into the couch and tucked the phone away into his pocket, albeit reluctantly. It almost seemed unfair that Yn knew more about him than he did about her, but he was sure there was a good reason for it.

Well… especially if his hunch was correct.

The movie on screen wasn't very interesting, to be completely honest. Intak had seen it about a dozen times before, but it was the movie Keeho had chosen randomly with the Amazon fire stick thing, and he pretty much stuck with it because he didn't know what to watch either.

Intak suddenly cleared his throat. "Can I… ask you a question?"

Keeho glanced over at him. "Of course. What's up?"

"What do you think about the Hollows kids?" He asked slowly, choosing his words carefully. He tried to pose it as neutrally as possible; he had never really gotten a clear stance from any of his friends about what they thought about the people who lived down the hill from them, but generally, they never seemed against the Hollows kids. At least, they never went out of their way to "show them their place." Those were the obnoxious people from their social class whom Intak was pointedly not friends with.

Come to think of it, Intak hadn't gotten a direct answer from his brother either. But then again, Jaehyuk had never been much of a bully sympathizer or bystander.

Keeho raised his eyebrow as if surprised by the question, which wasn't completely unexpected. "Uhhh—I think they're fine. Like the whole community discrimination is a little stupid, but…" He shrugged, "They can bark as long as they don't bite, y'know."

Intak pursed his lips together in a slow nod.

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh—uh, no reason." Intak shifted. What did that answer even mean? "Just curious."

His friend bobbed his head. "Okay… well, if they look at me funny, I'll look at them funny, too. I dunno, dude. It's hard to explain, but if I don't have to get involved, then I won't. You know it's complicated."

Intak supposed he could… live with that answer. It wasn't like he fully accepted it either. After all, he didn't even know what his answer would be... Right?

If faced with the opportunity to befriend someone from the Hollows, would he follow his damn heart or succumb to peer pressure?

This felt illegal.

Intak sat behind his desk at home, hair damp from his recent shower, his laptop opened to a new web browser. He was searching for car repair shops in the Hollows region, something that had been poking at his brain since the roller rink. He didn't know if Yn had even realized she had said "up there" in regards to the roller skating rink, and to be honest, it wasn't until the third time he read the message that it finally clicked in his brain. (Sue him, he had the nickname "Tak" stuck in his head like some fool.)

It didn't really make sense that Jae would have gone all the way down to the Hollows to get a luxury, vintage car repaired and maintained, but because Yn and Jae had met over the phone, it was just a little more plausible. There were a few holes in his theory, clearly, but it was all logical. Actually, the more Intak thought about it, the more it made sense.

There were a couple repair shops in the Hollows, but only one of them was family-owned and not a chain. The name was something along the lines of Ln's Auto Repair—simple and to the point.

He was seconds away from whipping out the academy yearbook.

yer a wizard yn!: ayo r u alone rn?

Intak bit his lip in a poor attempt to hide his smile.

jae's phone: oh so u wanna get me alone?

yer a wizard yn!: u said u almost got caught by ur friend AGAIN earlier õ_ó

jae's phone: and she CARES!! 😩🙏

yer a wizard yn!: smh T-T

jae's phone: admit that u deflect my flirting bc ur flustered

yer a wizard yn!: u were flirting????

jae's phone: that's so hurtful.

yer a wizard yn!: plus, i bet u get flustered easier than i do, hwang intak

yer a wizard yn!: i bet ur blushing so hard rn 👀

He instinctively pressed the back of his hand to his cheek—and goddamn, it was hot. He wasn't about to admit that though.

jae's phone: not the government name 🙁

yer a wizard yn!: ahh look who's deflecting now 🤭

jae's phone: … touché

He paused, biting his lip. Hey, btw…|

No, he thought to himself, spamming the backspace button with his thumb. But why not? He was already searching it up—it didn't feel right without asking her first.

jae's phone: okay i don't wanna come off as stalkerish but…|

Before he could finish his text, Yn's own popped up.

yer a wizard yn!: anyways the reason i came to bug u was bc i m bored :l

A small laugh fell from Intak's lips. Omg ur finally reciprocating my feelings?? :')

yer a wizard yn!: bro what feelings 😭😭

jae's phone: ur literally so mean to me 😔 y am i here to suffer huh

yer a wizard yn!: dunno dude it's cuz i'm cool B)

jae's phone: not w that emoji ur not 💀 what r u? 60???

yer a wizard yn!: experience-wise, yes

jae's phone: and humor-wise 🤕🙁

jae's phone: a little concerning tbh

jae's phone: but ur bored? lol i thought ur usually w ur friends?

He was usually the bored one because his own friends were with their own families and away from this damned place. Intak technically knew a vast sea of people, but it didn't mean he really knew them. He hadn't smiled while talking to someone new like he did with Yn since he first met his three best friends. Crazy how one could feel so alone in an ocean of people.

yer a wizard yn!: they had to go home to help their families w some stuff lol so im just here ig

yer a wizard yn!: my mom's busy w work rn too so i have the house and it's so quiet haha

jae's phone: r u trying to make moves on me rn 👀 insinuating that the house is empty ;))

jae's phone: JKJK IM SORRY IF THAT MADE U UNCOMFORTABLE KSFBJEBFJRJF

yer a wizard yn!: dude do u just flirt w everybody is this a reflex or something 😭😭😭😭

jae's phone: n,,no just u :')

yer a wizard yn!: tak, honey, r u stuttering thru text T-T

Intak leaned back in his desk chair with a soft giggle.

jae's phone: yes my honey bunches of oats 😚 i did stutter

yer a wizard yn!: damn ??? okay 😭 (honey bunches of oats huh 🤨)

jae's phone: do i make u speechless, snookums

jae's phone: or how about sweet lemon drop daisies

jae's phone: lovey dovey partridge in a pear tree?

yer a wizard yn!: HELLOAKDJKS 😭😭

jae's phone: hUH? WHATS THAT? U LIKE THE NAME SNOOKUMS???

jae's phone: i'd change ur contact name to snookums, but i like the hp reference :/

yer a wizard yn!: i don't think i've laughed that hard in awhile tbh 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

yer a wizard yn!: where tf dID U GET ALL THOSE ???

jae's phone: wdym snookums :(( they came from my love for u

He unconsciously raised his hand to his face and felt the scorching hot skin there. Yeah, he was so far gone. Maybe a glass of ice water would do him well.

yer a wizard yn!: okay,,, i think i've calmed down now 🤧🤧

yer a wizard yn!: were u doing anything interesting before i interrupted 🤩🤩

jae's phone: yes yes very important stuff o7 top secret info

yer a wizard yn!: who's the vague one now :// lol jkjk

Intak's eyes moved back to his laptop, of which the screen had faded to black. He moved his fingers over the trackpad to wake the device up and display the page for Ln's Auto Repair again. This felt like—was—an invasion of privacy.

jae's phone: okay uhm… don't be mad

yer a wizard yn!: uhhhh haha that's not very reassuring 😅 what'd u do lol

jae's phone: okok uhm im so sorry but i promise i don't stalk people for fun and i was really curious and i noticed that earlier u said that the roller skating rink was "up" from where u were and i figured u were prob in the hollows, so i looked up the auto repair shops in the hollows… and i think i might have found yours?

jae's phone: ik this was an invasion of privacy, i feel so bad

jae's phone: pls don't be mad

Intak dropped the phone onto his desk with his eyes pinned to the screen, waiting for her answer. He bit his lip, knee bouncing frantically. The dots would appear and disappear, then reappear again.

Finally, he watched Yn's reply come in.

yer a wizard yn!: it's… actually kind of relieving ? in a way

yer a wizard yn!: i actually noticed my mistake earlier too but i figured since u didn't say anything about it, u might not have noticed, but ig i shouldn't have underestimated u haha

yer a wizard yn!: so,,, this is it then?

Panic seized his chest, and he picked up the phone so fast it almost fell right out of his hands.

jae's phone: WOAH WOAH WAIT

jae's phone: hey what's wrong? no this isn't **it**

yer a wizard yn!: well u know im from the gutter now right lol

jae's phone: and?? y should that matter to me

jae's phone: yn i don't care that ur from the hollows like u literally don't care that im from the hill right?? and my brother didn't care either and u had no problem being friends w him too

When she didn't respond for a couple of minutes, Intak felt the furrow in his brows as his thumbs raced over the phone keyboard to type out another message.

jae's phone: call me?

He pressed the button to send the message and left the phone on the desk, waiting for the phone to ring. His knee would not stop bouncing to save his life, and so he turned the phone screen off and busied his hands and eyes by looking through his mess of an email inbox. Every few seconds, his eyes darted to the phone, however, the screen remained dark and still. No answer, no phone call.

Just silence, and the palpitations of his nervous heart.

He screwed up, hadn't he? He had just scared her off—and that in itself messed with his head.

He was about to give up for the night—maybe resort to finding a drink downstairs and curl up with a movie—until the dull vibration of the phone jolted him out of his chair. He fumbled with the slim device, and somehow managed to accept the call.

"Hello?" He answered, almost breathlessly.

Yn's throat cleared on the other side, voice low. "Hey. Sorry it took me a couple minutes to call. I think I was just nervous." Her throat cleared another time and it sounded like it was accompanied by cracking knuckles.

Intak relaxed a little into his seat. "No, no, don't worry about it. I—" I was dying, "—take your time. I get it. I was just worried I scared you off." He laughed a little at the end as if he hadn't just experienced a self-induced heart attack.

"No, don't worry," she rushed to reply. "You didn't scare me off. I think I do a good enough job at that already."

He turned on speaker mode and placed the phone on the desk so he could fidget with his fingers. "Ah… if it makes you feel better, I feel the same way—scared, I mean. And I really did mean what I said… with the not caring about you being from the Hollows."

A beat passed. "Thanks, Intak. That's… really cool of you."

He nodded. "Right, yeah. Just the...the bare minimum," he said quietly with a flippant flick of his wrist. And it was the bare minimum, but in a community like theirs, bare minimum was a high standard when it came to classism and discrimination. "So—we're cool, right? We're cool?"

She hummed. "Yeah, of course."

A smile crawled onto his face and tugged at the corners of his lips. "Good. I'm glad." He leaned forward to rest his elbows on the desk with his cheeks leaning on the palms of his hands. "Listen, Yn... you can be comfortable with me, I hope. I—I hope you can feel safe with me like you did with my brother."

His heartbeat thundered in his ears almost as loud as the volume of the call, and his cheeks were aflame beneath his palms. It was a marvel how one person could make him feel this way. Hearing her voice sent a course of tingles down his spine, made his toes curl. It was a feeling not entirely foreign, yet completely new at the same time.

"Thank you," was her soft reply. "I hope so, too."

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shingyou · 1 year

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RE: Finland

Some people say we never know we're happy until we lose the happiness. That's a sad perspective on life that might hold a bit of truth, but that truth is not inherent to the so-called "human condition", I don't think so. Rather, you might call it a reflection of how the society I live in has overglorified being absent from the present. Waiting on and on for a future that doesn't come, longing on a past that barely was here. In fact, there is something radical to claiming back the free use of your time; resting is revolutionary. So are my introducing thoughts to this open letter I write as I sit in a plane back to my birth country. It isn't somewhere that I'm particularly attached to politically, nor in terms of identity. In fact, as a black person born in Europe and detached from what I consider my culture, I've often felt lost. I thank internet for meeting some people who, although not from the culture I consider my own, showed me a lot about an identity that feels more like home. I feel closer to being at peace, and yet that means I'm angrier than ever. I suppose these are two elements that create an ongoing fight in terms of transmisogynoir; love and rage, radical and pushing against an oppressive policing, both feelings connecting us to years of history.

And so I went to college abroad. Although most people around me might think this has been a negative experience, and that I couldn't wait to go back to somewhere that feels more familiar, I would have to nuance the take. Of course, I've been through literal trauma as I "won" an entirely new phobia, and of course, we could talk about the pitiful state of the apartment I rented, of the sheer amount of whiteness and xenophobia that was seriously aggressive in the way that I couldn't even access to most things, and we could talk about the lack of communication, and we could talk about the racist landlord, and we could mention how the situation of systemic ableism and racism made me unable to care for my neighbour who seemed to be stuck in a home she didn't belong in, and we could mention all of that. But that's not all there has been, although all of that is more than enough to rightfully give in to anger. And so I went to college abroad. I still hate school, in personal ways, yes, but also because we need to abolish it along education [as the unredeemable concept that it is]. Still, currently forced to live one way or another, I appreciate how I manage to hang on. I shouldn't have to, but there is eventually this mixed feeling of pride about survival. "I did it." It would've been easier for somebody else, could've barely been an accomplishment for some people I resent, and would've been impossible for other people I'm closer to. And that's not to say I'm a special individual; it's barely an acknowledgement that under current conditions, there are possibilities that simply don't exist. I'm happy I'm doing well enough not to have to worry as much as some of my friends, and yet I grieve the thought. There are good aspects to the way uni worked here. I was freer in my essays, and those were my very first, I believe. I realised once again and further how much we'd like me not to write what I write. They'd want me to abandon the communities I've been longing for, and finding bits and pieces of on Twitter, making me feel closer to home. They'd want me to say we're wrong, to elevate me into a true academic; to appeal to the white leftist. And so I wrote, but I wrote that they were wrong. I wrote of psychiatric abuse, and I wrote of African genders, and I wrote of intersex liberation, and I wrote of youth oppression. Some didn't like it. For most, I even had to tame my own speech without conceding too much. One called me out on a lack of "proper sources": but academia is white, and there is an ongoing effort for "proper" (i.e. "academically acceptable", i.e. classism that necessarily intersects with everything else) sources to be regulated in dominating ways. Still, I was freer to write, and some appreciated it. I want to keep going that way. I'll make it hard for myself, and I know how I could make it easier and "succeed". But I don't want to succeed; success as we know it is lonely and a betrayal. No, I want to be a failure together. Maybe that's how I'd describe my idea of practising anarchy. Let's be losers, as they call it, because the cores hidden behind those things they discourage are based. Let's be childish, let's be fools. Mostly, it isn't so much that Finland taught me something, rather than it was a context that triggered something in me. My fiction writing started changing too. I used to know what I wanted to write, without knowing what I wanted to give. I know now. I want to give hope and I want to create seeds of radicalism. I can't force people to take them in and water them. I can't, and I don't want to: I've grown because I was challenged, not because I was worshipped. I'm a weird guy treated as a subhuman subject of experiments who can barely exists "IRL"; semi-verbal, still masks in face of eugenism, low physical strength. So I know I won't be the guy who shoots a brick at the government and burns it down. But those are not the only people we need, and that's why we should have each other too. I'll be somewhere else. I'm only at ease with drama [theatre] and writing. Although I'm sincere when I play, it's a role, and role doesn't have to be negative here. So I want to play teaching without being a teacher [without the authority of school, as much as possible]. And I want to write and write, both in uni and in fiction; I want to make that knowledge accessible and unapologetic. I am working on fiction projects, and I genuinely think they're going somewhere good, and every day contributes to shaping it better. I don't want us to ever shut the fuck up. I've grown. And I still grow. That's why I'll never be a grown-up, I don't have that kind of oppressive pretentiousness. Unfortunately, that also means it gets harder sometimes. I'm sorry, I can't be happy about half-accomplishments for the queern't whities we obtained well over 50 years ago any more. I don't long for a past that was never there to begin with now. I'm sorry, I can't be happy about assimilationism any more. I don't long for a future where I betray everyone and will most likely still die because I could never actually be assimilated. There are many things I want to do once I touch land again, in about two hours as I write this. One thing is sure, I'm happier than I ever was, and I want to acknowledge it right now, not after becoming unhappy. But do know that it's not greediness when I say I want more. No, it's our rights, and I'm tired of waiting to be nicely handed them. I'm happy, but not satisfied. Thanks to everyone who has ever been present in my life and influenced me for the better. Thanks to those who are currently here. Today, I smile as I go through clouds and see the sun shine, and yet, may tomorrow the sun be shinier.

June 6th. 8:33-9:32 PM.

#writings #writing #writing thoughts #literature #letter #open letter #finland #home #racism #psych abolition #youth liberation #queer #update

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cowboypossume · 4 years

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so i reread keeper of the lost cities and here’s my fresh input:

a note before we begin: you know how people fake throw up at things on tik tok? this book is the reason i now unironically do that.

dex and fitz really have the enemies to lovers troupe going for them and i’m ok with it. i really am.

so do sophie and biana at the beginning but it fizzes out so a better description is enimies to friends to lovers

marhella and stina give me such power top energy i cannot express how much i think that contributes to people not liking them

speaking of stina i wish sophie didn’t just immediately hop onto the bandwagon of “oh she’s evil” without investing further, especially with how much she is written as a ‘good’ person (which i can and will defend to the day i die that good people don’t exist but that’s for a different day).

there’s way too much heteronormativity and Patriarchical Ideas mushed into the book. like three hole pages of a 488 page book of teenagers being like “oooooo girls like guys and guys like girls” only for della to join in. not to mention the amount of times keefe is the reason for those ideas because he’s teasing like “oh fitz has a girlfriend”

keefe and fitz didn’t have as many bonding moments™️ in this book as i remember, but they stil know each other really well, have comfortability around each other, and would make a 10/10 best friends to lovers troupe.

oh my god s o many crushes i swear. like two teenagers of the opposite gender really can’t not like each other apperantly

i miss read a line and really thought there was cannon sexism for me to do a whole ass rant about in the notes part of my analyzation but n o p e

but we do have classism, sexist stereotypes, and the fact that there’s been SO many characters who’ve spoken and ✨🌺far too many of them are white🌺✨

oh also: no ones disabled. which annoys me because their society is described as ‘euptopic’ almost implying that it’s something that makes people problematic, which,,,, no

ok a side note on the society, i understand that the story’s message (kinda) is that things that seem perfect are probably deeply flawed, but something tergan said stuck with me. on a page i can’t remember at the moment he says something like “[the black swan exists] in a society that doesn’t have rebels”, which it suck with me bc that’s boarderline dystopic if it’s not there already. it’s one thing for laws not to be broken, but when you think your society is so perfect despite it having obvious flaws and you think that no one rebels, then i really hate to break it to you, you have a massive rebellion about to occur; it’s just scented as foul under your resplendent nose.

please stop flirting. i get its part of teenagers being teens but i swear if i read “s/he realeased a breath” or “their heart fluttered” or literally ANYTHING like that god no.

yall. i missed dex. he actually has more role in this book than ‘you can gadget and we need one’ and oh boy i really missed him. he’s a BEAN and deserves better.

hole’s said everyone deserves better and i absolutely agree so we’re adding that note here.

if you do what i did and read this book out loud to one of your best friends who has no clue anything about this weird fandom and give fitz a really deep voice for no reason it’s comdy GOLD.

i really think i’m reading too much into this point but iggy seems,,,, symbolic to me?

like ok with humans, sophie didn’t ‘fit in’, right? like she grew up hearing things like “why can’t you be normal like your sister” (which i can do a whole other rant about how that will affect her for the rest of her life just a s k)

not to mention looking really different from her family and graduating high school at age twelve

but you know who never judged her?

m a r t y

so anyway sophie meets this teal-eyed, movie star smiled wonder boy who takes away her entire knowledge of everything she’s known while taking away her family too

and it turns out even in a place of weirdos she still manages to be the exception to everything

and she doesn’t have the comfort to hear what people are really thinking about her anymore (which as i said before say the word and i’ll deadass write a whole speech about how everything she heard will completely fuck up every relationship she has) which unfortunately means that she grew used to confirming people didn’t like her but now she doesn’t have that

she has to adapt to this new space and feel like she’s always felt, like an outcast in a place that was accepting, but yet again, she the exception to everything

but about halfway through the book she starts to become more comfortable around grady and edaline and that’s when iggy comes in

she finds him while cleaning garbage, and grady compliments her. they have a bonding moment and it’s because of this t h i n g. and then sophie actually feels proud not only does she take up a room, but she did something

and her new parents are proud of her

so she finally feels like she BELONGS because she helped out at the place where she lives/they work

to me it seems iggy is kinda a manifesto of the world building and character development that happens in this book

i think the plot/character arc is fixated a little too much on how different sophie is. like, i get it, she’s exception to everything, but the plot really didn’t need her to be that quirky. yes, she’s different, but there’s a lot more to the plot and her character than how different she is.

also, i had to reread pages a lot bc i needed an exact paragraph number and,,,, it’s really paced like a fanfic

some questions i have about the society is:

it’s established that they use books, physical papers, etc., and the only thing i remember about trees is the speech alden gave her about how she doesn’t know the name of their most popular tree, and the fact that people become trees when they die. even then i don’t think the second one is in this book. never o n c e do i remember something about planting trees that aren’t dead elf’s, so do they feel the affects of deforestation and that jazz?? like if they use trees, will they run out of them? can they??? and do they use the coffins of elf’s for paper??

this is more of a rant than a question, but here it goes anyway. in foxfire, students have a testing system very similar to the one in america: a huge test at the end of the year determines the future of a student. that in of itself doesn’t sound too drastic, right? well,,,,, not necessarily. several studies have shown that tests in general, but especially these types, don’t work. despite how good or bad of a teacher i think my past and current teachers have been, every single one of them hates this system that we have in place. they know it’s an unfair assessment that does it’s damnist to make you fail, and they’re trying so hard to denounce it. however, that doesn’t happen at all in the lost cities. in fact, most of the teachers pride themselves on failing students. so if elf’s are in such an advanced society, why do tests still exist? especially in an environment where the consequences are far greater than just staying back a grade.

so sophie’s figuring out that major problems exist in the world the elf’s created, right? i wonder if more society structured problems exist more than ‘oh bad people do things and the law justifies which is what’. like, as i’ve previously stated, there’s sexist stereotypes presented (like girls like dresses and guys don’t), but does sexism still exist? does racism exist? it’s established that poverty isn’t a thing because of the fund elf’s have at birth and their limited usage of money (which if you understand please explain bc i don’t really get how they buy stuff but still don’t use money) but if someone gets shipped off to exile, do they lose their money? is it possible for elf’s to starve to death because they can’t afford food? do they pay for food?? if they did starve who would they call? because someone on this website, who’s post i tried to find but i couldn’t so if y’all know what i’m talking about please link it, brought up a good point that elwin is a school physician, he shouldn’t be dealing with the near-death experiences sophie has, so who would they turn to? especially if they don’t have access to foxfire because they got exciled??

is therapy a thing in this world? sophie and dex could really benefit from it, yet mental health has only been brought up when someone went insane, which REALLY shows how little they think about it.

that perfectly transitions into my next point: sophie and dex’s trauma. i really don’t get the vibe that there was much thought going into their kidnapping, other than sophie needed something to trigger her inflecting ability and establish the black swan are on the good side, which really sucks because wow trauma doesn’t happen lightly. and the fact that it happened seems rushed to me, but i’ll come back to that. but anyway, their trauma doesn’t get developed that deeply in this book because it wasn’t given the space to. they were beaten, tortured, starved, gagged, and who even knows what else for t e n d a y s, only for them to find them again, repeat the process, but someone saves them and dumps them into an illegal city and they both nearly die from dehydration, coldness, and lack of concentration, and you’re telling me after three days of conscious of bed rest sophie wants to get her failing out of school over with? ma’am, it takes more time than that to adjust to THAT alone, not to mention the realization that “hey your entire life is fake because people genetically altered you to be their weapon in a war so much bigger than yourself” that was recently dumped on her. like,,,, you really expect me to think that three days is what made her feel prepared and CONFIDENT? no sir. i don’t buy it.

coming back to it being rushed: the book starts out slow and then really hits the ground running and doesn’t stop. so much more stuff happens in the second half of the book than the first and it never gets fully developed it feels like. in the first half sophie moves away but gets a new family and struggles a bit but adapts, fires maybe but hey don’t worry about it, dex hates fitz, fitz is ✨d r e a m y ✨ but our main girl doesn’t like him like that, right?, stina’s a bitch, and sophie is a quirky girl and telepath but can’t tell anyone. pretty basic stuff, not too plot intensive. the second half though: sophie almost fails her midterms but doesn’t, grady and elaine want to unadopt her (which that’s never really explained as to why they do that but ok) fires exist in san degio but they’re fine but they’re actually a rebel elf so..., sophie accidentally breaks a law but it was an accident so it’s fine, update on the fires: sophie burns herself trying to get the evidence that it’s a rebel elf and it works, she’s the moon lark and basically a weapon bc no one knows her well enough to evaluate her safety, sophie and dex get kidnapped but fitz can now transmit to her and she has two new abilities so it’s all good, trauma doesn’t exist except for nightmare you can fix with sedatives, sophie doesn’t fail out of school, and yayyy her family doesn’t want her remove their adoption. there’s probably a lot more that i missed, it’s just that’s a LOT of stuff crammed into a little bit further than the second half of the book that really could have been devolped or explore further instead of forcing into less than 244 pages, ya know?

fitz’s eyes are mentioned seven times, the first time being on page TWO of the novel

his smile is mentioned three times

alden says “no reason to worry” five times, he writes it once, and sophie points out he says it a lot so he chances it slightly to something like ‘don’t stress about it’ so i didn’t count those though i should have

speaking of alden, in this book he’s absolutely creepy, but something that stands out to me is how much he calls sophie girl. i didn’t count it, but he said “that’s a good girl” to sophie too many times for it to be normal especially when you consider how he doesn’t do it to anyone else.

i kinda forgot i was annotating for sophie’s anxious habit of pulling out her eyelashes so i got she did it twice, but i highly doubt that number

but i will keep adding to this when i actually do the words with my annotations.

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thedreadvampy · 4 years

Text

like I am not trying to be unreasonable or excessively defensive when I say ‘oh my god shut up about Britishness’ or at least, not to talk the talk without walking the walk

I definitely have had a lot of unlearning to do from those heady far-off Bush administration days where we here in the UK all turbocharged our superiority complex about how America was a pit of fools led by an idiot and that made it not just ok but Noble and Politically Justified to rip the piss out of like. the McDonalds eating Walmart shopping mass media consuming oil chugging school shooting flagwaving white trailer park hyper-Christian anti-abortion racist ignorant American that lived in our heads and Spoke Weird and Thought They Were Real People and ate freedom fries and thought Iraq and Afghanistan were the same country and couldn’t do basic maths and barged around European cities in shorts and sunglasses yelling to each other about how cute it was and thought they were the only people in the world who mattered. and that’s not imo any different to the way American conceptions of Britishness tend to be framed

(not to say that that image of Americans is a thing of the past At All and it’s something I often notice myself slipping into)

and this was viewed as a moral position, particularly among the hard left, for a lot of the reasons that ragging on Britain is also often seen as a moral stance. America was (and is) powerful and imperialistic, culturally hegemonic, politically far to the right of where Europe tended to see itself. America was the architect of the Iraq War, and a whole string of imperialist invasions before that, and the “special relationship” with America was seen as emblematic of how far right the Labour government had swung. I knew old communists of my dad’s generation who took as a point of deep pride that they wouldn’t interact with American exports and were actively hostile to Americans. America was seen through the lens of Bush (and is now often seen through the lens of Trump). It felt good to shit on America and, by extension, Americans.

America represented imperialism and racist, exploitative global policy, filtered through a lens of glossy TV and film, stars-and-stripes-forever military glorification, Disney, loud tourists and a whole heap of shitty ideas about Things That Signified Americanness And Were Therefore Bad like

Talking funny

Simplified/differing spelling

Liking different sports

Being fat

Eating weird food

Using unfamiliar idioms

Seeing the world through a very culturally American lens

A lot of class signifiers that don’t exist to the same degree/don’t mean the same thing here (living in trailer parks, shopping at Walmart)

now you may have noticed that these aren’t.......super cool things to rag on? and also that there are a lot of parallels between that and the stuff I get pissy about when people make jokes about Britishness.

because the justification is that This Country Is Bad. It’s a Global Force For Evil. And that is, in both Britain and America’s case, definitely not wrong. Both Britain and America are violently imperial, culturally hegemonic, white supremacist world powers with a strong vested interest in considering themselves the Only Ones Who Are Really Normal People. It’s totally reasonable to hate Britain (I sure do!!!!!!). It’s also totally reasonable to hate America.

What I take issue with is the conflation of hating America with hating Americans. The conflation of hating Britain with hating the British. A country is not its people. A government is not its people. As I’m sure most of us have noticed, governments that fuck over the world are often simultaneously fucking over the poor, marginalised and vulnerable within their own borders (this is something as well that a lot of North Korean, Russian and Chinese people have brought up - that they’re held personally responsible for the shitty things their governments do even though they’re the people those things are targetted at)

That isn’t to say that people in both these countries (and indeed Canada, France, etc) shouldn’t think critically about the ways in which they benefit from their countries’ hegemonic power, or the ways in which they’re complicit in the imperialistic attitudes. But a lot of this mocking, both ways, boils down to

a) your government/country is bad and you should feel ashamed (like ‘you suck because the British Empire was a genocidal monolith’ or ‘Donald Trump just goes to show what America’s really like’) b) your country sucks to live in, haha, more fool you for living in it!!!!!! (Brexit! School shootings!) c) you are Foreign and that’s Weird (often coupled with ‘haha can you believe people in that stupid country do [thing that is generally associated with poverty]? GROSS’) d) you look/sound funny (British people all have bad teeth and are ugly, Americans are all fat and/or have had 20000 tons of plastic surgery and dental work)

and idk I just think perhaps that’s not...productive or good #praxis. like. not everything has to be Good Praxis it can just be a lazy joke about national stereotypes. but it’s not a Strong Moral Stance to hate (white) Brits or (white) Americans (and another thing is: these types of stereotypes very rarely include the racial diversity and multiculturalism of both Britain and America, choosing instead to only bring up non-white Brits/Americans as faceless Victims Of Bigotry). it’s not Good Leftist Praxis and people are, in fact, justified in getting annoyed about it even if they ARE white people from an imperialist country. because it is personal. it’s made personal.

and of course everything I and others have said in the past about classism holds true. in both the American and the British cases, a lot of the most commonly raised stereotypes other than language differences are about class (in that the things framed as gross/weird are overwhelmingly things which are looked down on within the culture because they’re associated with poverty - the Gross British Food, the People of Walmart, the lack of education, the slang, fatness, etc).

(also don’t get it twisted. a lot of people thought the last time I mentioned how class affects British stereotypes people thought I was making some class reductionist Working Class People Are Exempt From Racism And Benefitting From Imperialism argument which. no. but you’re not criticising racism or imperialism you’re criticising Poverty Food, just like you’re not criticising lack of global political awareness or a culture of rampant neoliberal capitalism when you laugh at Americans for being fat. you’re just shitting on people for things they’re already being shat on for.)

this is obfuscated by the fact that these stereotypes slap together high and low class signifiers at random, but the high class signifiers that get mocked, at least in the American stereotype, are mocked because in a British context they are low class signifiers. like a lot of what gets mocked in Britain about Americans is the high-capitalist Conspicuous Consumption of the Trump and McMansion types, and the plastic surgery and glow-in-the-dark Hollywood smile. but it’s mocked because it’s, at its heart, seen as gauche and tasteless and Not Classy, whereas the British rich know how to be Tastefully Rich (boke)

like I’m not saying people outside a country shouldn’t criticise that country. both Britain and America deserve to be criticised roundly, not just on a political level but on a societal level. yeah man I do benefit from power and I am very able to slip into cultural supremacist ways of thinking. but ‘har har they talk funny’ isn’t criticism, it’s bigotry. To Be Clear: it may be bigotry but it’s not oppression. It’s not a matter of ‘oh woe the Americans are Bullying Us From A Position Of Power.’ Neither side of this holds hegemonic power over the other, realistically (Americans are not oppressed by Britons for being American; Britons are not oppressed by Americans for being British) But what it is is round after round of the same sneering cultural supremacist oneupmanship that’s characterised the relationships between powerful imperial nations (and particularly between Britain and America) for centuries. we’re both, nationally speaking, desperately pitching the argument that We’re The Good And Civilised Ones and They’re The Stupid Weird Embarrassing Ones.

we’re BOTH weird embarrassing countries with sordid, racist, imperialist political structures. we’re both horrendously shitty nations it’s not a competition about which country is shittier because the answer is always Who Cares They’re Both A Nexus Of Awful Global Consequences.

also nations are not real. we should criticise nations as they exist but people? bully people about something real you cowards. “britishness” or “americanness” is only as real as you make it

#boy howdy that's a long post #lotta words to say 'actually I've just been insecure about my accent since I was 4'

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youralternantpersonality · 4 years

Text

Dreams

Seth x Reader: Wanting you

Warning: Breaking fourth wall. Let me know if you catch it 😉 and gender-neutral parental names

Part 1: “Dreams” by Ella Eyre

Part 2: “You’ve Got It Bad” by Usher

Part 3: “Never Give Up on Love” by Bobby Tinsley

***

Y/n POV

“Will that be all for you?” I say, finishing up writing down the order.

“Well, I could get your number, beautiful.” One thing that is horrible about being a waitress is dealing with the harassment that comes with it. The best way to deal with verbal harassment (like in this situation) is by giving them the “AS,” as my friends would call it. The Awkward Stare. Now, this stare isn’t having ME become awkward; oh no, this is to make sure THEY do. Essentially, you would look at the predator straight in the eyes and give a resting bitch face until they become uncomfortable and silent. To the point where the whole table is uncomfortable. Kind of like your high school teacher would look at the student when no one would shut up. Once they were fully engaged in avoiding my eyes, I gave a final smile and went put in their order at the counter.

“You know, you could be a little less cute and more intimidating?” said Orion, my now lifetime best friend since I had started this job a couple of months ago. I turn to look at him and give him the finger as he walked around me to bring his tables their food.

“He does have a point. Straighten up your back more, pull your shoulders back, and clock your head to the side just a little. That way, you’ll really knock them.” Emily said. She was a regular here. Every Wednesday at 4 pm and Sunday at 12:30 pm, she would come in, go to her usual spot at the counter, and either order the chiefs salad with a side of a sliced pickle, the garden burger with seasoned fries, or 5 stack pancake with orange/apple juice. Her husband Sam or another kid named Jared and his girlfriend Kim come on Sunday morning, grabbing a crap ton of food (so Emily doesn’t have to cook) and leave. Polite men, scary—at least Sam can be, but polite. Jared is just a child, and I can do nothing but pray for Kim.

“You mean like that ugly pink toad lady from-”

“Don’t say it!” I roll my eyes. Ever since KJ Bowling expressed her feelings towards the LGBTQA+ community, she refuses to acknowledge it. The disbelief and sadness that took over for the love of Henry Planter she had were wild, yet kind of crazy to watch.

“Look, it could be worse. You could love the Dawn saga by Tephanie Neyer and find out that she is horrid in disguise. But hey! Once it hit 2 years, you’ll start realizing all the fucked-up shit in the series and slowly be okay. Dawn fans know Tephanie is fucked up, we know the series is fucked up, we acknowledge it all and take full responsibility for liking it, but some still like it. We don’t support it, but we like it.” I tell her, shrugging my shoulders. I have to remember, she’s a rookie in this game.

“That’s true. Why are the best authors the most fucked up?” she says, playing with her fries I just placed down in front of her.

“Because they hate us and know what the population likes. Just like politics.” I say, stealing one of her fries.

“I don’t know how you guys like that series! Wasn’t there racism, classism with the Ghoul’s and Werecats, hyper-sexualization on the prides where the cats came from, misinformed information, plagiarism, and too, I don’t know, squishy and fluffy in them?” Orion asked.

“First off, they were shapeshifters. Secondly, only in Dawn, Dusk, and Night were squishy. But only because Bethany and Elliot were on their honeymoon in the last one. Daytime didn’t have it because Elliot broke up with Bethany.” I nod in agreement while grabbing the food for my tables.

“I thought their name was Ben and Evy?”

“No, that’s the gender swap version,” I say, walking away with the food. I place the food down at one table and refill drinks to another; some of the reservation guys come in. Seth, Embry, Jake, and Quil. I look over to Orion to call him for his table, but it looks like he and Emily are in a heated discussion about the book series. So, I take over for him. As I walked over to the table, I made eye contact with Seth, and my stomach flipped.

Why you in my dreams? Don't know much about you But I heard about you for the longest time And I see you 'round whenever I go out With some friends of mine And I remember when I saw you standing in a different light It's funny where my mind goes when I'm in my bed at night though

As I lay in bed, I notice that my feelings become stronger and stronger for him almost every time I see him. He was a few inches shorter than me, cheerier, and lanky. I always saw Seth and his friends, but out of nowhere, these…flutters? Feelings? Emotions I don’t like started eating me up every time I see him. I know it might be a crush, I won’t even deny that, but…why?

I toss and turn that night and eventually give up on trying to sleep and just stare at the ceiling, thinking of him. Confused and resistant to even wanting to think about it. The last thing I need is to be in a relationship while in my fucked situation as is. I don’t need my guardians knowing anything about Seth either.

But then again, just like evil authors, life fucks us all over, and you can help but go along with it. Well, unless you sue them. Then that’s different.

'Cause I push you away in real life You ain't even close to my type But when I'm sleeping Everything's upside down, upside down, yeah I saw you last night in my, my dreams It felt so beautiful, I almost believed We were a thing and I liked it I never looked at you like this Till I saw you last night in my, my dreams Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my?) Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my mind?) Seth POV

I saw her again today. She was walking down the hallway with Orion and Kayla to gym class, and we made slight eye contact before Jake decided to take my attention away from her. I look at him, but I don’t really pay attention to him. I don’t know when it happened, but I have always loved Y/n. When she transferred here in middle school, she was cute, shy, and had (and still has) a babyface.

I could never talk to her. Every time I was around her, I’d get so scared and freeze up. And although we’re in high school, I still can’t control it. Lately, my feelings have been getting stronger. Not just with her, but in general. I don’t know what it is, but it’s taking a lot more of my energy trying to control myself. Leah and mom have noticed it too. But Embry was the worst. Speaking of which,

“Hey, where’s Embry?” Quil and Jake looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

“But did you hear a word I said?”

“Obviously not. He was too busy gawking at Y/n.” Quil said, laughing. I rolled my eyes and walked away. Ass-whores.

After school, we head to the diner and, like always and on cue, Jake and Quil make fun of me because Y/n works there. I roll my eyes at them and attempt to push them off me without smiling, but I can’t help it; they’re stupid. It’s not their fault.

Fell asleep at nine And once I closed my eyes, girl, you were so, so mine We laid in the dark, you left in morning light But, girl, it felt so right And if it's in our minds then we should make it life Girl, I mean real, real life Nothing's never for ya We were all and over for ya 'Cause I push you away in real life You ain't even close to my type But when I'm sleeping Everything's upside down, upside down, yeah I saw you last night in my, my dreams It felt so beautiful, I almost believed We were a thing and I liked it I never looked at you like this Till I saw you last night in my, my dreams

That night I quickly dreamed of her without even having to try to at this point. Every time I want to or attempt to talk, I freeze. Thinking about her just makes me feel…warm. Her beautiful y/e/c eyes are captivating. They’ll draw you in, and once you’re in, you’re stuck. Her y/h/(L/C/T) hair embraces and defines her facial features.

The dream always starts out the same. I’m running through the forest at a high fast pace towards a place that always ends up being her home. I follow around the house to her room on the left side of the house towards the forest. As I look at her window, I see her sitting at the window seal and we instantly make eye contact. My heart stops for a second—she smiles and I walk up to her window to come inside. She doesn’t open the window. She places her hand on the window and my much larger now hands cover hers. We look at one another and smile.

I’m not bothered by her not opening the window. I’m just happy she isn’t freaked out about my presence. Unfortunately, every time she goes to open the window, my alarm wakes me up. And when I mean alarm, I mean Leah.

I groan and curse her and the need to wake me up so early. As I get ready, I think of Y/n and I can’t help but smile. Today’s going be a good day.

Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my?) Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my mind?) Y/n POV

The weekend comes and I’m heading in for my shift Sunday morning. I usually wouldn’t work weekends, but that was before I met Emily. I have Friday and Saturday off instead. It’s eight in the morning and Kayla, two of the cooks, and I all pile in before we open at nine. By 9:30, a few families start piling in and by 10, we have the food catered to Sam or Jared ready.

“Hey, Kim!” I wave to her as she walks into the diner. She waves back and heads to the counter. After setting up my table, I head over to the food and help her pack it up in the truck.

“I see you guys ordered more food than usual. Did more family members move into the area?” I say, passing her the multiple trays from the cart to the car.

“Yeah…something like that,” she laughs it off, “but rest assure, this will be gone within the next 45 minutes…maybe sooner.” I laugh with her. I believe her 100 percent. After seeing Jared and Sam, I already know their family that Kim describes them to be, is just as big, if not larger, then this food should hold them off for 2 hours. Maybe.

“Well, that’s all of them: drive safe, Hun. And stop by sometime after school. You’ll miss the adventures of Orion and Emily arguing over pink and rose gold.”

“Aren’t they different?” I nod my head. “But they’ll argue over that?” I nod my head again. She shakes her head and smiles. “Em usually starts it?”

“Sometimes. Only when she needs a good laugh or when she just feels like fucking with him. Last week they were in a heated discussion about the Dusk saga.”

“Oh, dear god! She told me about that. I can’t believe she went that deep into it with him.” Kim laughs.

“I know. That’s probably the only time they’re not being repelling off the same topic. Normally one would disagree for the fuck of it, but they put their fuckery aside and agreed to agree on that topic.” We both laugh. I finish up my conversation with Kim and head inside.

If I gotta fall asleep, sleep to see ya Then I'm gonna fall asleep, sleep to see ya It's different in the daylight Miss you, I dunno know why If I gotta fall asleep, sleep to see ya Let me fall, fall deep, deep to see ya It's different in the daylight See you in a new light 'Cause I push you away in real life You ain't even close to my type But when I'm sleeping Everything's upside down, upside down, yeah

I wave bye to Em, and Orion comes in. I clock out for my break and go sit in one of the booths in the back. As I am prepping my garden burger with ketchup, I think back to my dream I had last night. This one was recently new, confusing, but knew. I take a much-needed bite of my food and relax for the next 15 minutes.

I just got done with my daily nighttime routine, unable to sleep due to Taylor and Kennedy arguing, I go to my window and look outside. I look up at the sky and just drift off into a world of daydreaming until something catches my eye in the bestrew of trees next to my house. As I continue to look, I see big brown eyes of an animal. I smile and the animal walks out of the trees slowly and morphs into Seth. I smile brighter as he comes closer and closer to me. By the time he reaches me, I can feel myself become excited and full of glow, happiness, and this sensation of warmth.

He steps up to the window and smiles down at me. I place my hand on the cold glass and he looks down at my hand and does the same. I can feel the heat radiating from his skin, which only makes me smile more. I unlock the window and just as I am about to open it, my alarm wakes me up.

I’ve been stuck on this for so long that Orion had to shake me out of my daydream. I put my food aside for later and went back to work. I’ll just deal with the dream another time.

I saw you last night in my, my dreams It felt so beautiful, I almost believed We were a thing and I liked it I never looked at you like this Till I saw you last night in my, my dreams Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my?) Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my mind?)

MasterList

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remywrites5 · 4 years

Note

“You’re a slacker and I’m a straight A student and we were paired together for a group project and I just want you to get out of the way and let me do everything but you insist on helping for some odd reason ” AU with wolfstar please

Remus froze in horror as he reached into the bowl of names to pick his partner for their history project. He looked out at the sea of his classmates and prayed for someone good. He knew no one in the room would really mind being his partner, because Remus was studious and took his academic seriously, so being his partner for a project basically guaranteed a good grade.

His hand wrapped around a piece of paper and he lifted his up. “Sirius Black,” he said as evenly as he could while his heart sank. Sirius Black was a notorious trouble maker who barely did any school work and only got decent grades because he was smart and was good at taking tests. Most days he didn’t even bother handing in his homework and he spent most of class lounging back with his feet on the desk and his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.

Remus risked a glance over at Sirius and he found Sirius beaming at him. It was odd to see Sirius look so excited about anything school related. The only time Black got excited about anything was the stupid pranks he liked to pull with his friend James. At least Remus hadn’t ended up with Potter as his partner. James was even worse than Sirius but it seemed that misfortune had landed on Lily Evans.

Taking his seat again, Remus began jotting down ideas for what point in history they should do. He immediately dismissed World War Two as he figured most people would be drawn to that era. He didn’t want to pick anything too obscure, knowing he’d be doing everything himself. There was no point in making things harder when it came time to research.

Remus had been so busy with his list that he must have missed the teacher telling them to meet up with their partners. He was startled when Sirius Black dropped his books onto Remus’ desk and sat backwards in the chair in front of Remus to face him.

“Hi there!” Sirius said, running his fingers through his shoulder length hair. “How’s it going, Lupin?”

Remus jotted down a few more ideas before he forgot them and then glanced up at Sirius. “I’m fine, you?”

“I’m fantastic,” Sirius said, leaning in towards Remus as if they were sharing a secret. “I was hoping I’d be paired with a cute boy for this.”

Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius Black was a shameless flirt, everyone knew that. “I was thinking maybe we could do the Victorian era,” Remus told him, chewing on the end of his pen.

“I was thinking ancient Rome,” Sirius said, wiggling his eyebrows. “You know with all those orgies and stuff.”

Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes once more. “We’re not presenting on orgies to the class.”

Sirius grinned, putting his arm on the back of the chair and resting his chin in his hand. “You want to do the Victorian era where seeing someone’s ankle was considered scandalous.”

Remus quirked an eyebrow at him in response. “You do know Oscar Wilde was imprisoned for sodomy during this era, right?” he said, making Sirius’ eyes go wide. Probably from the use of the word sodomy. “And Lord Byron was off fucking pretty much anything that would move.”

Sirius hummed softly. “I guess that could be cool.”

Remus sighed. “So glad you approve,” he said with a hint of annoyance. He was going to have to do the whole project himself anyway. He didn’t really need Sirius’ input anyway.

“Wanna meet in the library after school?” Sirius asked, gathering up his stuff as the teacher announced the end of class.

“Why?” Remus asked, frowning as Sirius stood up.

Sirius laughed. “To work on the project?”

“Oh, um, sure.”

“Perfect!” Sirius said, beaming at him. Remus gave him a tentative smile in return. He was surprised to see Sirius so enthusiastic about a school project. “’I’ll see you there!”

“See you.”

***

Remus got a few books about the Victorian Era and spread them out over the table he’d picked at the back of the library. He thought maybe Sirius would bail on their plans to meet up, which honestly suited Remus just fine. He’d get along better without having Sirius interrupting him. He chewed on his pen cap as he jotted down some notes.

“Hey Remus!” Sirius said, sliding in the chair beside him. “Sorry I’m late. Peter got his hand stuck in a peanut butter jar…again. I swear it’s like being friends with Winnie the Pooh.” Sirius laughed and slung his arm over Remus’ shoulders with a familiarity that just did not exist between them. Remus wondered if it would be rude to shake Sirius off him.

Remus cleared his throat and decided to change the subject back to school. He didn’t want to get to know Sirius Black. He didn’t want that kind of trouble in his life. Sure, Sirius was gorgeous, vivacious and intriguing, but he also had a tendency to get bored of people easily. It seemed like every month there were rumors of Sirius with another bloke. Whether they were true or not was another matter and Remus didn’t know Sirius well enough to be sure. At one point Remus had cared a great deal about the goings-on of Sirius Black but he’d more or less gotten over his stupid crush.

“So I was thinking we could talk about the evolution of the English novel starting and it’s reflection of society at the time,” Remus said, writing down the names of a few authors he wanted to mention.

“Sounds very swotty,” Sirius teased, reading the list over Remus’ shoulder. “I’m not going to have to read all those books, am I?”

“No,” Remus said, shaking his head. “I’ve read most of the ones I want to touch on. Dickens, Conan Doyle, Austen, Bronte, Wilde.”

“I have read Hound of the Baskerville,” Sirius offered, glancing at the list again. “I’ve seen the Colin Firth Pride and Prejudice. Does that count for anything?”

Remus chuckled despite himself. “It’s more accurate to the book than the Kiera Knightly one.”

“I mostly just watched it because Colin Firth is hot,” Sirius said with a shrug. “And I know about a Christmas Carol, even though I’ve never read it.”

“Let me guess, the Muppet version?” Remus quipped, turning his head to look at Sirius and noticing just how close their bodies were. Their breath was actually mingling together.

Sirius grinned. “It’s still the same story.”

“I knew it!” Remus laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “What am I going to do with you?”

“I don’t know…” Sirius said softly, bringing his other hand up and brushing his fingers over Remus’ cheek. “What are you going to do with me?”

Remus felt his cheeks go red and he quickly turned away back to the safety of his books. “I’m thinking maybe we should talk about the poverty of the time and the classism at work in British society. Maybe talk about how a lot of novels had protagonists trying to improve their social standing – Great Expectations, Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, Oliver Twist.”

Sirius listened to Remus ramble with a bemused smirk on his face. When Remus glanced back over he noticed Sirius was staring at him intently. It made Remus’ stomach clench uneasily.

“Have you ever kissed anyone before?”

Remus’ jaw dropped. “I don’t see how that’s relevant – “

“Is that a no?”

Remus flipped the page of his notebook just for something to do to continue ignoring Sirius’ question. “It’s none of your business,” he finally responded after Sirius didn’t let it go.

“I could make it my business,” Sirius said, licking his lips and smiling. “Why don’t you give me your number?”

“Why?”

“Because I want it.”

Remus scowled at him. “Sirius, I’m not interested –“

“Bollocks.”

Remus’ frown deepened. “Not everyone is interested in you, Black. Y-you’re annoying and selfish and reckless.”

“Flatterer,” Sirius said, his grin showing that he didn’t really believe Remus. “Come on, I’m not that bad, Lupin. I’ve got some good qualities too.”

Remus huffed out a breath. “I don’t know you well enough to say if that’s true or not,” he informed his project partner. “We’ve never exactly spent any significant amount of time together.”

“Let’s change that then, hm?” Sirius said, grabbing Remus’ notebook and scribbling down his number. “Text me tonight and we’ll pick a time this weekend to work on the project. I’ll come over to yours because my place is a nightmare.”

“What?” Remus asked, blinking in utter confusion at Sirius. He wasn’t sure but he thought Sirius Black had just invited himself over to Remus’ house on the weekend.

“I’ve got to get going but don’t do the whole project without me, okay?” Sirius said, standing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder. “I promise I’m not completely useless.”

Remus could do nothing but stare up at Sirius with a puzzled expression on his face. Sirius smiled at him and then went bounding out of the library. Remus looked down at this notebook and the number scrawled over the middle of the page. Remus tore the page out of his notebook since it was ruined anyway. He considered throwing it into the rubbish bin but shoved it into his pocket instead. He thought about ignoring Sirius’ request and just continuing on by himself. Instead he took the books up to the front desk and checked them out so that he could continue his research over the weekend. Even if Sirius didn’t show up to help him, Remus would be prepared to finish the project on his own.

***

Against his better judgment Remus texted Sirius later that night. He had talked it over with his mum during dinner and she had agreed to let Sirius come over on Saturday. She had been a bit surprised that Remus had asked to have a friend over. The only friend he’d ever had over before was Lily and they were such good friends that Remus didn’t really have to ask if Lily could come over anymore, she was always welcome at the Lupin house.

You can come over tomorrow if you want.

You texted me!

Well yeah. You gave me your number.

What time should I come over?

Around lunchtime? My mum said she’d make us something if you want to eat here before we get started.

I can eat anything I want?

I mean as long as we have it.

Can I eat you?

Shut up. I’ll see you at lunchtime.

***

Sirius arrived at Remus’ a little before noon and he seemed energetic, practically bouncing off the walls. He ate his lunch with gusto, munching on the ham and cheese sandwiches Remus’ mum had made. Sirius had kept the conversation going with Remus’ mum and Remus just sat there eating his food, kind of in a daze. He hadn’t expected Sirius to put so much effort in to talking with his mum. Sirius was alarmingly charming and it seemed like he was attempting to make a good impression. Remus had no idea why.

“Uh, Sirius and I are going to my room to work on the project,” Remus said, grabbing Sirius by the arm and hauling him up out of his seat. He practically dragged Sirius down the hallway to his room and shut the door.

“Anxious to get me alone, huh?” Sirius asked, biting his bottom lip.

“What are you doing?” Remus asked, searching Sirius’ face for some kind of hint that he was lying or being a prat. Instead Sirius just smiled at him.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Sirius responded with a shrug. “I was just being polite. Am I not allowed to be polite to your mum who made me lunch?”

Remus huffed, the air puffing out his cheeks for a moment and then causing the curls on his forehead to move when he released it. “You never put it effort for anything.”

“That’s not true,” Sirius said softly, reaching out and playing with one of Remus’ curls.

Remus worked his jaw for a moment. “This isn’t – you don’t –“

“I don’t?” Sirius challenged, twisting his hand into the front of Remus’ jumper and tugging him forward slightly. “How do you know?”

Remus stared at Sirius for a moment and then shook his head. “Why are you trying so hard, Sirius?”

Sirius grinned. “Because you’re making things difficult for me.”

“And if I stopped?” Remus asked, crowding in closer to Sirius.

“Then things would be remarkably easier.”

“You’d get bored of me,” Remus said, glancing down for a moment at Sirius’ mouth and how very, very close it was. “Probably quicker than all the others – “

“Ugh,” Sirius groaned, dropping his head back against the door. “Is that why? Remus, come on. I thought you of all people would be above listening to that gossip.”

Remus frowned. “Lily told me she saw you snogging Evan Rosier.”

“Yeah, well, we all make mistakes,” Sirius grumbled unhappily. “I dated Evan for a month and when I dumped him the stupid prick started making shit up about me. He has been for months just to get back at me. I guess I really am unforgettable.”

Remus placed his hands gently at Sirius’ waist, slipping his fingers under Sirius’ t-shirt to touch his skin. It was warm and soft and Sirius made a cute little gasping noise at the contact. “So I’m not just your latest conquest then?”

Sirius shook his head emphatically. “I fancy you,” he said, pressing his nose against Remus’ jawline in a gentle, sliding it up towards his ear before playfully biting the lobe. “I have for a while now but you don’t exactly make it easy to get to know you.”

Remus smiled and pressed a soft kiss to Sirius’ temple. “I suppose I don’t,” he agreed quietly, shifting his hand to splay against the small of Sirius’ back. “I’ll let you close, if you want.”

“I want,” Sirius breathed out. “Fuck Remus, kiss me.”

Remus turned his head and captured Sirius’ lips, pressing Sirius back against the wall. Sirius’ mouth dropped open and Remus took the opportunity to slide his tongue inside. Sirius moaned and carded his fingers through Remus’ curls until his hand was fisted in Remus’ hair at the back of his head.

Remus broke the kiss after a few life-altering moments and pressed his forehead against Sirius’. “Sirius…”

“Does this mean you’ll stop making things so bloody difficult for me then?” Sirius asked, his kiss-swollen lips twitching into a smirk.

“Absolutely not,” Remus said, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Sirius’ mouth. It would do Sirius good to keep having to put in a little effort. “Still interested?”

“Fuck yes,” Sirius said, pulling Remus into another kiss. “If we get a good grade on the project will you be my boyfriend?”

“We’re guaranteed to get a good grade,” Remus informed him, nipping playfully at Sirius’ lower lip. “I wouldn’t settle for anything less.”

“Well then?” Sirius asked, raising a questioning eyebrow at Remus.

“Yes,” Remus agreed to their proposed deal, sealing it with a kiss. Even though they were going to get a good grade on it, Remus knew Sirius would continue to work extra hard on it for Remus. Renowned trouble maker Sirius Black was going to put in effort into something school related because of Remus - because he wanted Remus. It was the best thing that had ever happened to Remus in his life.

And if the project took twice as long to finish, because they couldn’t help interrupting their work to snog each other, well that was pretty spectacular as well.

#wolfstar #i write things #modern day au #high school au #sirius black x remus lupin #long post #anon prompt #fluff

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theviscountbridgerton · 4 years

Text

Interview with Jonathan Bailey in Style Magazine (October 2020) where he talks a little bit about Bridgerton. The interview was conducted in English, transcribed into Italian, and then translated back into English by Google Translate so, you know, there are some things that get lost in translation.

Love affairs, marriages of interest and intrigues. It is the portrayal of the new Netflix series Bridgerton, a bit of a Jane Austen romance, a bit of sexy in the wake of The Favourite, with the right dose of Downton Abbey-style family drama, but “so modern that it could almost be set in the present day” enthusiastically states Jonathan Bailey, at his great opportunity to really make it internationally, playing the fascinating bachelor Anthony Bridgerton, the quintessential English nobleman of the early nineteenth century, who at the age of 28 finds himself at the head of a clan of seven brothers and sisters. One who “has to play the part of a loving brother and son and instead loves women and forbidden pleasures” ...

The Regency period has been less represented than other moments in British history, but the film industry abounds with period dramas. Do they still make sense today? Our instincts are the same, in 2020 as in 1820, and to observe them in a restrictive and oppressive context such as 19th century England where the will of the individual was stifled, sexuality was suppressed and there was a strong division between the social classes, puts them even more in evidence. Each of us at some point in his life felt forced into a role due to the expectations of others, just like Bridgerton's characters.

Women more than men, but ... Only in appearance: of course all the decisions are up to men, and Anthony for example to decide who should marry Daphne, but they are also forced to repress their feelings, which makes them unable to live a happy life. Patriarchal society has wreaked havoc on both sexes.

Bridgerton also has the virtue of surrounding Queen Charlotte with a court that is not exclusively white: the terrifying Lady Danbury and played by Adjoa Andoh, Regé-Jean Page plays the role of Duke Simon Basset and Martins Imhangbe as his best friend. Is it worth abdicating historical accuracy to be politically correct? We decided to do the opposite of whitewashing that so many historical moments have suffered. Here the question is to be faithful to the events told in the books by Julia Quinn from which the series is based, not to be historically accurate, so we can also imagine that at the time of Queen Charlotte it could have been an inclusive court. custom and the freedom given to the actors to model the characters, to make them current.

The fourth season of The Crown will also arrive on Netflix in the coming months: have you wondered why the public is still so fascinated by the nobility? We all love what we cannot have, which is closed to us. Even without getting to the royal family. Think for example of the world of the Bennet sisters and Mr Darcy of Pride and Prejudice: they were far below the social hierarchy, yet they have been represented countless times in period films. Personally, what intrigues me most about the golden world of the aristocracy is not the parties and privileges, but what lies beneath the surface: I wonder what the human cost of that life is. Bridgerton's characters always pretend to be something other than who they are: the real drama and their distance from the truth in a society of appearance, and this is what intrigues us about them.

Is the society of appearance then different from ours? If at the time classism was based on the distance between people, with the aristocrats who did everything to limit what the people could know about them, today social media allow us to <approach> characters that otherwise we would only idealize and this does so that high society no longer exists. We never knew so much about the royal family, but I don't think it's good.

Speaking of royalty, you started in the theater with the King John of the Royal Shakespeare Company: is the stage still your first love? A love that has only grown since I first saw a musical Oliver! as a child. I love the experience of being in the theater, first of all as a spectator, it's magic. But as an actor I have to admit that it's much more tiring than cinema.

And instead to dub the protagonists of the video games from Anthem and Final Fantasy XIV, how did he end up? That was one of the funniest things I could do. They have a really huge fanbase and I consider them an incredible art form as well as a thriving industry. He played them a lot when I was a kid and I rediscovered them during the lockdown.

What role do you dream of playing? I think it's better for me not to know, I prefer to be stimulated by reading a script. The important thing is to work with people who have a very defined idea of your character: it makes him stronger, you can already imagine him on the page even before taking on his shoes. But I can say that I'd like to play someone who looks a lot like me, who tells my reality, I'd like to find out how I would feel. It sounds like a paradox, but I think Hamlet could never play Hamlet.

And could Hamlet ever be a woman? Thanks to the role of Jamie in Company, who was originally an Amy, you won the Laurence Olivier Award for Best Supporting Actor in a Musical. Amy was transformed into a man, yes, but homosexual, and it is no coincidence: I believe that women and gays, even if in different ways and at different levels, are both oppressed minorities. In Company the goal was to make the reflection on marriage more modern by putting a man in crisis, because, given that gay marriages are now legal in many countries of the world, it almost seems that one has to marry by force. In general, however, I don't think we should cut the female parts on men, both because they are related to purely female experiences, but above all because of complex male roles I would say that there are already enough. Women are finally being given roles with an emotional complexity never seen before: it is interesting to see them act as protagonists in a society that has long been dominated by men, sometimes very weak, others brilliant.

Who is Jonathan Bailey when he's not on set? A boy who loves being in nature. I just finished a week of cycling in the English countryside where I covered about 700km. I think if I wasn't an actor I would retire Cornish hut.

I had read in an old interview with him that as a boy he dreamed of becoming a pilot. I think I was trying to reassure my parents that I would settle down and find a stable job (laughs). But in reality maybe I could have become a teacher, not because I necessarily think I have who knows what to pass on, but I believe in young people, it will be that I recently spent some time with my six year old niece. Instead it is not that I really had the opportunity to choose, fate did it for me.

Does it owe more to fate or to his willpower? I don't come from a family of actors or artists, when at the age of seven I was offered the part of Tiny Tim in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol which was to be performed at the Barbican in London I simply jumped at an opportunity. Many kids who love theater go to drama school, but having grown up in a small town in Oxfordshire, I wouldn't have had much choice but to join the basketball team. So I will always be grateful for that chance, but it has never been an easy path. I believe in hard work, which always rewards.

#Jonathan Bailey #Bridgerton #Interview #Style Magazine #october 2020 #translations into English

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videogamelover99 · 4 years

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Reason

A/N: I physically cannot write something that’s not angst. Anyway, with Episode 15 of TAZ Graduation (by far the best episode, in my opinion), I couldn’t help but need to write this. Warnings for: sexual coercion, abuse of power, classism. AO3 link here.

Summary:

"When you transformed Silvia Nite, the fear in her eyes made you feel powerful. Don't you want that again?"

"...I kinda do."

Chaos takes their time to convince Fitzroy that their power is worth it.

When Fitzroy was eight, his father finally took him with his caravan. It was hired out to a Madam Adaman Fern, a human whose new estate was waiting to be moved into. Fitz had watched the items get loaded in by his father’s crew, one by one: solid red wood furniture, silverware of the purest metal, a grandfather clock, and pounds and pounds of jewelry, carried in malachite boxes, full of amber, jade, gold and precious stones that he’d never thought existed. He’d excitedly watched from his father’s place at the head of the wagon, his father smiling as he calmed the horses down, stroking their necks. It was a long trip, passing fields and rivers and mountains, each more beautiful and grander than the last. Fitzroy, in his short life, had seen nothing father than his nowhere town and the local farmer’s market his mother liked to go to. He tried to consume all of it, to not miss a glimpse of anything they passed on their way. That night, the crew had a hard time wrestling him to sleep.

When he woke up, earlier than he ever had out of his excitement, the first thing his eyes were drawn to was the large, three story mansion. It loomed above the horizon, its marble columns reflecting the light of the dawn in a way that made them shine with early morning luminescence. The caravan pulled up in front of the large iron gate, and the crew got out, ready to unload. Beyond the gate, he could see a cobble-stone driveway, circular and in the center of it – a marble fountain, shaped like many outstretched hands, holding up the sky. In front of the carriage stood a woman, helped down by a man in a black and white frock. They slowly approached the caravan, stopping a few paces away from Fitzroy’s father as he got down to greet them. They had not a speck of dirt or road dust on their silken garments. Jerry, when right in front of them, with his grass stains and horsehair covering his overalls, looked a bit like a homeless vagabond. He nodded politely at the two as they watched the luggage get unloaded.

“Careful with that,” the woman said softly, eyeing the people handling the grandfather clock, “it’s been in my family for generations.”

Then she spared a glance at Fitzroy, and the boy smiled wide, like he always did to grownups he didn’t quite know yet. His mother loved that smile, said none of their neighbors could ever resist it.

The woman did not smile back. Instead, she gave him a look, one that made him want to climb into one of the wagons and never crawl out again. A look of pure, unashamed resentment. They she turned away quickly, as if Fitzroy was not worth any more of her time, her jewelry clinking gently as she did so.

Fitzroy remembered that look well. He’d remembered it, because it was the same look that the students at Clyde Nite’s Night Knight School sent him as he passed down the hall, weighed down with expensive, barely affordable books, and ill-fitting clothing his dad had given him. It was a look he chose to remember, when his body was too tired to stand, when his mind was unfocused, when his muscles ached from the overexertion of his training, when his hands shook when holding the sword. He remembered it, and pushed on, past the pain, past the sickness, past the shaky adrenaline.

You could say that at some point, his tenacity had become singlehandedly fueled by spite.

At first, he thought Silvia Nite was better. She’d called out his potential early on, when he’d felled several on the training field, his shirt clinging to the sweat on his back, his face and hands covered in dirt. She’d smiled, and he smiled back, proud that finally, finally someone was noticing his potential.

He had run into her in the hall once, embarrassed and out of breath from being late to class. She’d offered him a helping hand as he tripped over his own feet, mumbling an apology. “Your class can wait,” she said, leading him by the arm, “walk with me.”

He nodded frantically, at loss for words. She led him through the hall of the castle, and into the courtyard. They walked side by side, and Fitzroy had to fight the impulse to lower his head. She breathed power the same way he breathed oxygen. He’d admired the way she held herself, above any trifles or misunderstandings.

“I hear you’re making quite the progress,” she said, stopping just under an old apple tree.

“Y-yeah…I-I mean-” he choked on his words, nervously wondering if he’d already fucked this up.

She smiled at him. “Breathe.”

And, on command, he did. “That’s me! Always, always punching the clock, working those books…” he wanted to jump off the nearest cliff.

“Good,” she turned away from him, plucking one of the flowers from the tree, watching as a few stray petals flew to the ground, “you know, a lot of the other staff members didn’t believe me.”

“Believe you…?”

“About your potential.” She stroked the petals with the tip of her finger. “You’re a talented young man, Fitzroy,” she turned to him, and grinned. “I’m glad you were able to prove them wrong.”

“Oh…I-uh…thanks, I guess? T-thank you.”

She shook her head. “Don’t thank me. You’ve got no one but yourself to praise.” He nodded dumbly. His chested swelled with pride. She’d noticed. Silvia Nite had noticed him. His hard work, his monkey, his time, his pain - everything was finally worth something. “It was very good talking to you, Fitzroy Maplecourt. It’s time for you to head back to class,” and she walked away, the flower still in her hands.

He might’ve felt a little giddy when, after one of her lectures, she’d approached him again. He’d noticed the looks of the other students, some sneers, some of unidentifiable pity. He shrugged them off, thinking them envy. It wasn’t hard, given how much better he was than everyone else at mostly everything. Magic excluded. A Knight didn’t need magic to be successful. A Knight did, however, sometimes needed a helping hand. Which was what Silvia offered to him, placing her long, perfectly trimmed fingernails on his shoulder. She was much taller than him, her elven features similar to his own, and yet so much more pronounced, regal. “I believe there are some people in the oversight guild I can introduce you to. You’d want to build up contacts once you graduate.”

He’d nodded, already having thought of that for months now. Because even though his kingdom, Goodcastle – was already lined up for his taking, something told him broadening his scope was a wise decision.

She let go, stepping back toward her desk. “Meet me at my office tomorrow afternoon. There, we can continue this discussion.”

He should have suspected something, then. But he was too much of a fucking idiot, wasn’t he? And the opportunity seemed so close. Silvia Nite had tossed in the bait, and he’d fallen for it, hook, line, and sinker.

But when the time came, and he poked his head into her office, even he could tell that something was wrong. The window blinds were down, and as Silvia walked up to greet him, shaking his hand, and reached over his shoulder to lock the door behind him. A part of him knew, when she told him to sit down, not letting go, smiling, her praise oozing out of her lips like molasses. Suddenly agitated, he shifted in his seat, all to aware of her gaze wandering all over him. They sat down, Silvia behind a redwood desk, him sitting across from her, hands writhing on his lap.

“I can help you, of course,” she’d said, her tone matter of fact, “graduate faster. Find important people to introduce you to. It would be an opportunity you wouldn’t want to miss.” Then she sat back in her leather chair, adorned with the carved faces of eternally hungry wooden lions, and said: “I am a busy woman, though. It would take quite a lot of my schedule to do that for you, do you understand?”

He’d nodded. And flinched, when her hand covered his, and the whole time, his mind was screaming that it was wrong, wrong, wrong. He felt trapped. Under her gaze, in the shadows of the closed blinds, by the lock in the door behind him.

Then her other hand moved to grasp the back of his neck. “So you’ll have to do something for me as well, Fitzroy.” Then she tugged on his collar, and he sprang back, his legs finally working correctly. He was breathing shallow, panicky, because he knew that look. For so long she’d masked it under the pretense of kindness, with nice words and smiles, but at its core, it was all the same. The look of someone who thought that Fitzroy was nothing more than the mud under their shoes. He’d been such an idiot not to see it sooner.

The older woman moved back in surprise, her hand still hovering in the air. Then her gaze narrowed.

“Y-you…” he tried to find his voice, but it was shaking to much for him to form any words. He suddenly wanted to laugh. “You think…you can just…I will never-” He’d never felt so angry in his life.

Her eyebrows rose up, perfect arches she’d no doubt spent hours of her precious time on. She eyed him up and down, standing from her chair, and he bristled, his hands turning to fists. No matter how skilled in combat he’d become, he would still be no match for her. She held his gaze.

Then she sat down, waving a hand. “Alright. You may go, then.”

He practically flung himself at the door, turning the lock with his shaking fingers. “And Fitzroy?” she called, just as he was about to leave, with a tone that sent a chill down his spine, “not everyone is as accommodating as I am.”

After that day, the calls of kissass and teacher’s pet turned to something much more vicious. He made himself suck it up and carried on. Only a few months before graduation. He could make it. After all, one thing was made clear to him. There would be no one who would ever respect him, not until he left this school behind.

The anger didn’t go away. It festered, with every jeer, every rude gesture, every pitying gaze the other teacher had sent his way, and had boiled over when he had to face her once again, in her magic class, trying to light this goddamn candle that would not light the piece of shit-

Her gaze dug into him, ignoring all the other students, the resentful look so clear, so unmistakably present, and if he could just light this goddamned candle so he could leave-

And then the whole room exploded. And moments later, when Silvia Nite was turned back to normal, her gaze wide-eyed and terrified, Fitzroy felt like he couldn’t get enough of the fear in her eyes.

Chaos paused the memory, turning it over in their hand. “You were angry. Good.” They smiled at him, hovering over his shoulder as he looked alongside them. Their shifting head of hair wrapped around his shoulders like a cloud, undulating and free. “You had every right to be.” Their voice was like a whisper of the wind. “She wanted to possess you, control you. Her position gave her the illusion that she could own you. And she was wrong.” They waved their hand, and the memory faded from view, melting around them like sugar. “This is why I chose you.”

They came to him every night, his nonsensical half-dreams replaced by their strange, every-shifting world. Sometimes it was a room in a castle. Sometimes they were out in the woods. And sometimes, the two of them would just sit there, on the foot of his bed, his own body sleeping fitfully behind them. Chaos looked delighted whenever they came. They were possessive, but not in the way people were. They lacked that look in their eyes. They knew they owned him, but not from any illusion of power, not because they thought they were better than him. They owned him, simply because they could.

They turned to him them, smiling, but not amused. Reveling in their truth. “With my power, there will never be such humiliation. Isn’t that reason enough?”

#taz graduation #taz g #sir fitzroy maplecourt #chaos #taz grad spoilers #fanfiction

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latter-day-saint-nick · 4 years

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Here‘s a list of all the books with queer protagonists I’ve read this year. While I do actively seek those out, there are several books on here that I didn’t know had queer themes when I picked them up from the library and then I was pleasantly surprised by lesbians. I‘ll avoid spoilers except when discussing trigger warnings.

Kaleidoscope Song by Fox Benwell

Neo, a South African teenager, is obsessed with music of any kind. Her love of music brings her together with the singer of a local band and they have a passionate relationship that they must keep secret. The descriptions of Neo‘s life and her tendency to hear music in everything are beautiful and dynamic. The author included a list of the songs Neo is listening to throughout the book, so I was introduced to a lot of cool music from South Africa and other places. TW: Corrective rape and Bury Your Gays. This is a book by a queer (albeit white British, rather than black South African) author writing about a very real problem that exists within our communities, so it feels different to when a cishet author kills off a queer character just for shock value. I still can‘t help feeling that he could have made the same point without having the character die – just have her be injured. Still, I loved pretty much everything else about the book, so it gets a tentative recommendation from me.

The Mermaid’s Daughter by Ann Claycomb

25-year-old opera student Kathleen tries to cope with the constant pain in her feet, nightmares about having her tongue cut out, and desperate yearning for the sea. With the help of her girlfriend Harry she delves into her family history to uncover the secret of a curse spanning generations of women. What’s nice about this book is that Kathleen and Harry’s relationship is accepted by all their family and friends without question, so if you want to read a nice wlw fantasy story with no homophobia, this one’s for you. TW: Some discussion of suicide, but nothing too graphic.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth

A teenage lesbian is sent to conversion therapy by her religious aunt. This is basically a coming-of-age story as the title character comes to terms with her identity and the death of her parents. It’s considered an important work of LGBT YA literature, so I really wanted to like it more than I did. Most of the first half of the novel deals with Cameron’s everyday life in her small town in Montana, which was, to be honest, rather boring to me. The pace of the story picks up a bit once she gets sent to conversion therapy, but even then it’s slower and less eventful than I would have liked. But since it is a popular book, that’s probably just me. I did like that the two best friends she makes at the therapy camp are a disabled girl and an indigenous boy, two types of people that are not often represented in queer fiction, so that’s something. TW: Conversion therapy and self-harm.

Proud by Juno Dawson

This is a collection of poems and stories about queerness aimed at a YA audience, and each one is a pure delight! These stories detail moments of joy and pride that make you feel happy and hopeful about being queer. They include a high school retelling of Pride and Prejudice with lesbians, a nonbinary kid and his D&D group on a quest to disrupt the gender binary at their school, a magical phoenix leading a Chinese girl to find love, and gay penguins. All stories, poems and illustrations are by queer writers and artists. Seriously, I cannot recommend this collection enough!

Spellbook of the Lost and Found by Moïra Fowley-Doyle

An Irish magical realist story about three girls who perform a spell to find things that they have lost. The spell appears to have wider consequences than they expected, bringing to light things that should have stayed lost. This book has three narrators, two of whom are wlw. It treads a nice line between fantasy and reality, and has some pretty good plot twists. Also, there’s a crossword at the end, which is awesome. More books should come with crosswords.

Ancillary Justice, Ancillary Sword and Ancillary Mercy by Ann Leckie

A space opera trilogy set in the distant future about the embodiment of a ship’s AI who seeks revenge against the ruler of a colonialist empire who destroyed her ship and killed her beloved captain. This is not beginner’s sci-fi, as it is very complex and intricate, but if you’re fine with a bit of a heavier read, you’ll be rewarded with some very interesting concepts. What makes this series queer is that the Raadch empire has no concept of gender and uses female pronouns for everyone. This makes every romantic relationship queer by default, whether we are aware of the characters’ sexes or not. I found it particularly enjoyable when Breq, the protagonist, tried to communicate in different languages that have gendered pronouns, which she had to navigate carefully in order not to offend people. She tries to look for outward clues of gender, such as hairstyles, chest size, facial hair or Adam’s apples, but even then often gets it wrong, because these things are not always consistent. That is just a great depiction of how arbitrary ideas of binary sexual characteristics tend to be. Also, I guess technically Breq is aroace, but since she’s not human, I’m not sure if she can be considered the best representation, though she is a very likeable character that I enjoyed following.

The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue and The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee

These books are a lot of fun! They’re historical adventure stories with a bit of fantasy thrown in, featuring disaster bisexual Henry Montague, his snarky aroace sister Felicity and his best friend Percy whom he is secretly in love with. In the first book, the three teenagers are sent on a tour of Europe for various reasons, but they quickly abandon the planned route when they get embroiled in a plot involving theft and alchemy. The second book details Felicity’s further attempts to become a doctor, which leads her to reunite with an old friend and chase a tale of fantastical creatures.

The Spy with the Red Balloon by Katherine Locke

Technically I read this one late last year, but whatever. I just wanted to put it on the list to have an excuse to talk about it. It’s about two Jewish siblings with magic powers who are recruited during World War II to take part in a secret project to fight the Nazis. Both siblings turn out to be queer: the brother is gay and demisexual, while the sister is bisexual, and they each have a love interest. This book is an independent prequel to The Girl with the Red Balloon, which takes place in East Berlin during the time of the Wall, and is just as good, albeit not as gay.

We Set the Dark on Fire by Tehlor Kay Mejia

This book tends to be classified as fantasy, because it takes place in an alternate, Latin-American-inspired world, with a distinct history, culture and religion, but there’s no magic at all, so I’m not sure it counts. But I digress. The country of Medio is built on classism and acute xenophobia. But by hiding her status as an illegal immigrant, Daniela, a girl from a poor background, manages to rise to the top of her class at her elite finishing school and become the first wife of one of the most powerful young men in the country. But her new comfortable status is threatened when she is pressured to join a group of rebels who fight for equality. At the same time, she also finds herself falling for her husband’s second wife. Obviously, this book’s political message is very topical, but beyond that, it’s just a very good story, with a well fleshed-out fictional world and great characters. This is the first in a series, with the sequel, We Unleash the Merciless Storm, coming out in February.

All Out: The No Longer Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages by Saundra Mitchell

A very nice collection of short stories about various queer teenagers in different historical settings, from a medieval monastery to an American suburb on New Year’s Eve in 1999. Most of the stories are realist, but there are a few ghosts and witches to be found in-between. What I found particularly notable about this book is that it featured several asexual characters, which you don’t often see in collections like this. I definitely recommend it.

Under the Udala Trees by Chinelo Okparanta

This is a thoughtful, heart-warming life story about a woman growing up during the civil war in Nigeria. After Ijeoma, a Christian Igbo girl, is sent away from home, she finds her first love in Amina, a Muslim Hausa. Even after they are found out and separated, Ijeoma doesn’t quite understand what’s so shameful about their love. Still, as she grows older, she attempts to fit into a heteronormative society while also connecting with the things and people that make her happy. TW: Homophobic violence, including an attack on a gay nightclub. The novel makes up for this by having a remarkably happy ending.

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley

A young man in Victorian London finds a mysterious watch on his pillow, with no idea how it got there. This sets into motion a strange series of events, which leads him to a lonely Japanese watchmaker, to whom he finds himself increasingly drawn. This is an unusual novel that treads the line between historical fiction, fantasy and sci-fi. Most of the characters are morally grey and have complex motivations, but are still likable. I just really enjoy stories that take place in this time period, particularly when they are this thoughtfully written and don’t just take the prejudices of the past for granted.

If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo

A YA book about a transgender teenager, written by a transgender author. After her mother decides that she is not safe in her hometown anymore, high school senior Amanda moves in with her dad in a town where nobody knows her and she can try to go stealth. But even as she is making friends and experiencing romance for the first time, she constantly worries about what will happen if her secret comes out. It’s a fairly standard story about being transgender, really, but as it comes from a trans author, it feels a lot more personal and less voyeuristic than these stories tend to be when coming from a cisgender perspective. Amanda is a sympathetic and compelling character. TW: This book deals with a number of upsetting themes, including transphobic violence, being forcibly outed and suicide. There is a flashback to Amanda’s pre-transition suicide attempt, which I found particularly triggering. I also wish she could have come out on her own terms, instead of being outed in front of the whole school by someone she thought she could trust. It is still a pretty good book, but it can be very upsetting at times.

As I Descended by Robin Talley

A loose retelling of Macbeth that takes place in a boarding school in Virginia and involves two queer couples. The supernatural elements of the play are amplified in a wonderfully creepy way, and the characters are complex and realistic, so you understand their motivations, even when they do bad things. TW: Out of the five queer characters in the novel, three die, two of them by suicide.

A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo by Jill Twiss and EG Keller

A charming picture book about the Vice President’s pet bunny who falls in love with another boy bunny and wants to hop around at his side for the rest of his life. This book was written as a screw you to Mike Pence, but even so it is a genuinely nice kid’s book that deals with homosexuality and marriage equality in a way that is appropriate for young children. The illustrations are incredibly cute as well.

Palimpsest by Catherynne M. Valente

A very strange, surreal tale about four people (most of whom are queer in some way) exploring a magical city that you can enter in your dreams by sleeping with someone who has been there before. I wanted to like this one more than I did, because I really love Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland books for children. But while some of the dreamlike imagery is cool and pretty, I found a lot of it weirdly uncomfortable, along with the frequent sex scenes.

The Pearl Thief by Elizabeth Wein

15-year-old Julia is home for the summer at her parents’ ancestral mansion in Scotland and gets involved with a plot about theft, disappearance and possibly murder. She also has her first crushes – on a man working at her parents’ estate and a young Traveller girl, respectively. This is a prequel to Code Name Verity, which has the same protagonist, though her bisexuality isn’t really alluded to in that, which is why I’ve kept it off the list, even though it is an excellent book. The Pearl Thief is pretty good as well, though it is a bit strange to read after you’ve already read Verity and know that this carefree teenage character is going to grow up to be a spy in World War II and be tortured in a Nazi prison. Do read both books, though. They are great.

Gut Symmetries by Jeanette Winterson

A young scientist falls in love with the wife of the man she’s having an affair with. There’s speculation about quantum mechanics and interconnectedness, all wrapped in very poetic language. To be perfectly honest, I really didn’t get it, so I have no idea what any of it means. But at least the main character is bisexual and polyamorous (and possibly genderfluid – I’m not sure).

Queer Africa by Makhosazana Xaba and Karen Martin

A collection of short stories by queer African writers, discussing themes like love, sex, marriage, family and homophobia. The attitudes towards queerness in these different countries varies. In many of them, homosexuality is illegal, even though same-sex relationships used to be respected before the interference of Western colonialism. In any case, these stories are an interesting and oftentimes beautiful examination of queerness from a non-Western point of view, some joyous and some tragic. TW: The second to last story is about incest.

#books #LGBTQIA

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mmyun · 5 years

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wow i’m so late getting around to this but hello! i’m bee (she/her) and i’m in the est timezone. i’m here with my kiddo lin yun, a ju jak 5th year! i’m a little underprepared for opening since i just got back from vacation, so i don’t have any formal plots, but i’ll put some ideas under the cut that i think could work for him, as well as a little info about yun! you can also find his biography and his stats if you want to go more in depth with his background.

if you want to give this a like i can come to your tumblr messages, or i’m easier to find on discord at mothman#2762

BASICS

his mother was a fairly transient witch. she spent a lot of time going between the wizarding and non magic world, mostly to study the technology in both

while living in macau she had a saucy night with a non magic man and oops, yun was born

she wanted to be a good mother for her son, so when he was four she packed everything up and got a more stable job in wizarding tech in seoul

his mom was very open about him being a half-blood, but she tried to keep him away from that side of his heritage as much as possible in fear that he’d leave her to explore the non-magic world or try to find his father

her work meant she traveled a lot, so she often left him in the care of their next door neighbors who were an older wizard couple who’s kids were already grown and out of the house

the husband was a lover of music, and taught yun all sorts of folk songs from the countryside, as well as how to play the guitar

the musician dream never really left yun, even now as he studies at yosul. being a wizard isn’t all about using magic for every aspect of your life, and being able to hear his songs on wizarding radio stations doesn’t sound like too lofty of a dream

yun is very proud to be ju jak, and prides himself on being friendly and looking out for the people around him

justice also dominates yun’s life. maybe it’s because he’s a half-blood and a foreigner, but he has a very low tolerance for prejudice and class systems. it’s led to him getting in trouble in school often growing up

POSSIBLE PLOTS

ju jak friends, he has a ton of house pride

5th year friends as well!

foreign line squad, someone he can speak cantonese or mandarin with to feel closer to a home he doesn’t really remember

other half-bloods! he’s fascinated by the maeobsa world, since he never really had access to it growing up even though it’s a big part of who he is

enemies! he’s a very black and white guy, so his tolerance for people who show any form of classism/discrimination or whatever he’s ready to fight

maybe more musically inclined people? he wants to start a band because that’s what young kids do

childhood friends! he grew up in seoul in the wizarding school system, so even though he doesn’t have the pedigree that a lot of the wizarding families has he was still in the same-ish circle

family friends! his mother is high up in the wizarding tech world, so their families would both be in tech and get together for social gatherings

exes? lovers? plot towards relationship? i’m always down for love

#mm:intro #yun is a weirdo im sorry in advance

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she-shall-conquer · 7 years

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The Controversialism of Inequality

I dream of a day when the church will no longer piggy back on the latest trends. I dream of a time when the church prides itself at being better at Human Resource Management and Leadership than at Marketing. What’s new right? John Donne has been saying this for (literally) centuries! The Bible has been pretty constant about it’s messages regarding the treatment of people, and yet only now is the church getting “woke”? Excuse me if I doubt your intentions… (however necessary and faux-noble). But also, how can you raise the race issue without bringing up the topic of gender? To be clear: Racial Inequality is a REAL issue and should be discussed and I’m glad that the topic is coming up, but why did it take BLM to make it happen? I’m pretty sure (absolutely certain) that the biggest contention of prejudice addressed in the New Testament was, you guessed it, racism… Now if we do the math: The Bible is one of the best selling books of all time, one of the most translated books of all time, and the fact that a vast majority of the colonized world was colonized by “Christian” nations. Therefore, this colonization should prides itself in establishing the least racist places, with the most selfless and loving cultures and have a great deal of generosity with perhaps a slightly lower poverty gap.

Oh, wait…

That’s right, folks, we stuffed up real good on this one… And how I wish we could all return to the genuine authenticity that I read about constantly. It pains me so greatly. Its like reading Narnia and knowing that Narnia exists, so you go to Narnia and it’s Game of Thrones. Man, oh man, the disappointment. This being said, there are a lot of missionaries and missionary schools that have done a world of good, people with pure hearts and altruistic intentions — these have been besmirched and thrown out with the dirty, grimy bathwater of exploitation, greed, and contempt. Furthermore, there are countless arguments, sides to the story, and this is a very real discussion with personal implications that needs to be had amongst brothers and sisters (in Christ) in practice and in community. Just a note — if you want to effectively teach people anything, psychologically, just talking at people is possibly the worst way to do it (just saying); it’s an organizational problem that requires change and development of an entire culture. This is a debate for another day and a more researched perspective/argument.

I believe it’s important to note that Christianity was never meant to be a social revolution, there are no colour codes or banners or marches or slogans. I don’t believe that Christianity supports slavery, I mean William Wilberforce was motivated to end the slave-trade because of his faith, but it speaks about slavery and how to treat your slaves/masters. This might be confusing at first approach. From my understanding what I see is that respect, love, and one’s heart were far more important than moral absolutes, which completely does in my need for justice.

Y'all got any more of that… Captain America?

But the New Testament is also excruciatingly clear about how people in the church should treat each other. If the Body of Christ (the Church) is family, it should be the safest place, it should b the place where you can be most yourself, and where people can be most honest with you about which parts of yourself are good and bad. It’s all part of the constructive learning process. In the New Testament, the bad parts of people were confronted when they were, in no uncertain terms, told to stop being so prejudiced. They were told to stop treating rich people better than poor people, told to stop treating Jews better than non-Jews, even Jesus treated the sinner and saint with the same love and dignity — a little less dignity, but still love, towards the proud and the hypocritical. From these values arose the declaration that in Christ there is no longer man nor woman, slave nor free, Jew nor Gentile. These are arguably the three ‘-isms’ that have wrought the greatest havoc on our current world and society and have been proponents of the greatest evils: racism, sexism, and classism (I see you there, Mr. Marx). Abolished and condemned along with the sins of the world are our prejudices and our shortcomings. But as a Western Charismatic church, I do not believe we have established a church culture that is free of these things, but maybe in our attempt to address the racism in our church culture, these other two will also surface.

Please understand that this piece of writing is not so much about what the practical outworking of it is as much as it is the value structure that influences how we treat people, built into our cognition. If we can work towards addressing that, I believe the practical outworking will follow, or be addressed at a later stage, perhaps by someone else. Inequality, and subsequent abuse, on a broad scale is often the result of an inherent cultural cognition that places features on a value hierarchy: rich are more valuable than poor, white are more valuable than non, men are more valuable than women (as per history’s norm). This is what I would like to address.

Gender inequality is not the “burn your bra” brigade or anything that God-fearing Christians should be afraid of, it’s a commitment to seeing the restoration and empowerment of women — she that gave birth to you. And apparently, I’m not the only one that uses this point — in fact, it wasn’t my point to begin with, it’s the Apostle Paul’s. After the section in 1 Corinthians where he’s done talking about not letting women speak and disrupting everything by asking questions about things they don't know (you know that part where he says they should rather ask the questions at home instead of disrupting the prayer meeting, which really has a lot to do with a lack of education) he speaks about God’s view of women, where there is no hierarchical difference. Woman was made of man, but man is born of a woman. This is gender inequality, where we refuse to see the perspective and heart of God, where God uses people equally, and views people equally — what we ask is that the hierarchy of value be eliminated from, at least, our church culture so that we can start to put an end to the ghastly horrors of violence against women.

Is violence against men a reality? Yes, undoubtedly, yes! But statistics show that a vast majority of victims are female, and of those females, it is more than likely perpetrated by a male. So instead of doing the dumb pretense of guilt thing that we do so often when we finally realize we have been wrong, let us be motivated by guilt (which focuses on others and their suffering) and not shame (which focuses on ourselves). These errors in judgement and culture are pointed out to help us all grow.

The South African news has been rife with stories of rape, murder, abduction, and abuse of women, and these are only a few of the stories. Women in Sub-Saharan African have a 1 in 3 (36.6%) chance of experiencing gender-based violence in their life time, a region with the third highest prevalence in the world. Something has got to give. How can we idly stand by and just send condolences, Facebook-React with a teary face, share, re-tweet, like, or change our profile picture? It’s deeper, friends, far deeper. When will we stop and re-evaluate our culture, our societal norms? How many more of our children, our aunties, our nieces, our students, our girlfriends, our best friends, our dear loved ones must bear the burden of abuse before we start to relook at our culture? If you like me, have stumbled upon the disillusionment of discord, between what you believe, what you read about, compared to what you see in practice, here are a few considerations I humbly ask you to think about, to look into, and to build upon:

Step 1: A Product of Your Society

Research says the relationship between culture and language and cognition is reciprocal, you influence your culture and your culture influences you, and your language shapes your culture and cognition just as your culture shapes your language and your way of thinking. To understand that our value system is a much deeper social construct than our individual upbringing and our own choices and beliefs is a necessity in bringing change. Culture is so very nuanced and so very fundamental to our entire being that we cannot just make a decision to separate it from our way of life, we cannot learn information or even practices that might entirely change the way we think. Even the way we talk influences how we think and therefore what we do, this is why “locker room talk” is a problem, because language shapes culture and cognition and cognition shapes language and culture. I’m not suggesting that we just keep our mouths shut for fear of saying the wrong thing or go on a witch hunt for bad statements, but rather let’s be open to having a brother or sister give helpful, loving feedback on our comments. This can in turn help us to recognize underlying prejudices in our cognition that we were perhaps unaware of. This is not to say that you are not to be held responsible for your prejudices, but let’s all remember that dehumanizing people solves nothing at all. We should all recognise that along with our culture and our upbringing, there are certain values that come along and form apart of our cognitions and processing mechanisms — ones we need to be open to addressing and mending. This is not easy, but if we’re all on the same team of Love, Kindness, and Respect, it makes it a lot easier. This of course, on top of the fact that we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds?

Step 2: Right/Wrong are Contextual Variables

A team can be a lot more effective when half the team doesn’t have to run with a limp (or a pair of heels/a dress, ya know). It may be crudely comparable to a soccer game where half the team keeps getting carded for using too much of their hips while running, or flicking their hair too inappropriately, or their shorts being too short, or their laces not being long enough, or whatever ridiculous reason is being used for why the other team keeps scoring. The team would (or should) no doubt be up in arms, because of how it hinders their effectiveness to play the game, which is of course the main point. It may also be like saying that certain demographic categories of players may only be in the team as subs, none of them are ever allowed to be in the starting line-up, but they’ll be used if there’s no one else left. This is not a good strategic move to enable the goal to be achieved. And for some real talk, if we had to put all the highest earning players in the starting line up, it might be that we have selected the best players, but why would we make that a rule and sell ourselves short of employing the best strategy of players and placement based on their strengths and ability according to the context? I’ll not insult your intelligence by explaining just how we do exactly this in the church/societal norms. We forget that there is a great deal of contextualization apparent int he Bible. God remains the same, his heart and values remain unchanged, but in certain situations an action is wrong and in other situations it is right. If we look at the Bible purely as a book of moral absolutes of course there will be irreconcilable contradictions.

One of the reasons I dislike personality test is because they always ask for absolutes, of which I have none in my life. There is no one action that I will always take regardless of circumstance. We all have circumstantial decisions and choices we have made dependent on our values and beliefs. Often our values remain unchanged, be it principle based or outcomes based, even though our decisions differ. What am I getting at? We need to mine the various accounts of the God we serve, as well as personally invest time and devotion, to know His heart, and His values (if serving and following Him is something we want to do), and then, with His mercy and guidance, start to evaluate our current practices and see if they really are as Gospel-oriented as we think they are, and if they are in line with His values. In the culture of the time, I understand, let the educated people teach the other people. So in that case, women don’t teach, right? But if the church is family and family is where you should be most yourself, if women can’t lead or teach, how can you substantiate women studying management, or women being CEOs or presidents, or women being lecturers? It’s a cognitive dissonance that needs to be re-evaluated. Perhaps you don't agree with women being in these “secular positions”. Why? Is it possible that where the church has failed to press on with the agenda and has been crippled and sidetracked by secondary issues that the world has caught up? Let us examine our context in light of His Heart.

Step 3: The Talking Listening Cure

I referenced Freud in this step, but it really has nothing to do with him, except for his novel idea of talking through situations and circumstances in order to understand and reach a conclusion. What he really did, was listen. So should we. Of course I don’t know everything and I never will, not even about this particular issue. I do however know that it’s not so much about the philosophy as much as it is about having and acting upon values that will shape my relationships with those around me. We are focused on the goal of love, but how do we love? This is the question we need to be continually asking. To love is to pay attention, to listen, to hear, to move towards understanding and to value (love your neighbor as you love yourself). May we not only learn to listen, but may a deep yearning and desire to listen be born within our hearts and minds, may we be malleable and teachable. Let’s start the conversations in the closets of our homes, leaning in to hear the heart of the Almighty, and looking at the Bible more holistically and in context, never losing sight of the main point: Love, Truth, Light, Hope — Jesus. And then, take it one step at a time, speaking to those closest to you, then slowly broadening the topic to your community. This may help in emphasizing that is not a “Femi-Nazi rampage” but rather an honest questioning of how to love and value others better, from the very core of our hearts and minds, which will then change how we act, what we say, and how we treat those that are ‘different’ to us.

Final Thoughts

We don’t choose these things when we are born, I didn’t decide to be born a woman, or be born with my skin colour, or be born into the social class that I was, but yet, these are things people use to attribute value to me, each with their own measurement sticks (or pencils)… We all do it to a degree, and we all have it done to us to a degree. This is not my plight to be valued or recognized, this is my questioning of our culture and values that ultimately shape how we treat others and how we mistreat others.

You want to know why #MenAreTrash? Not because you as a man are trash, but because societal values and norms more often than not establish a value hierarchy that enables men to abuse women. The concept of a man that is often taught and learned is trash. Yes, it is a generalisation, but that’s kind of how statistics work. For all the things men are allowed to say or do, even with harmless intentions, that shapes culture and in turn shapes other men, that spirals to rape, murder, abuse, that concept of a man is trash. This is a desperate plea for men and women alike to relook at what you do, why you do it, and what your underlying cognitions are — this is a call to re-examination of values, particularly in the church.

I’m not asking us to revolt, I’m asking us to structure our organization, the church, differently, where we remain true to his heart and the call He has placed upon us. I ask that we move towards a church that exemplifies the heart of God, where everyone has equal value and equal ability to contribute, regardless of race, gender, or socio-economic status/class.

I hold no sway in formal church structures, mostly because I’m young, and a woman, and not married to an elder, (give or take) so in the spirit of using what I have to do the best I can, I aim to start exploring this topic in greater detail, through research, through art, and through engagement/conversation.

#woke

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bubblyvillian · 5 years

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A Complete List of Books I read

These are all the books I read, ranked by the order Ir ead them, for the most part. My rating is my take on the novel, not like, a complete literary take. For the most part, you can ignore this.

1. History is All You Left Me by Adam Silvera

8/10

This book was pretty damn spectacular. It’s all about grieving and loss, and it’s gay which gets bonus points from me. Adam Silvera does it again with another classic book.

2. All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

7/10

This one hit me pretty damn hard in the feels. I liked it a lot, but I think I just wanted more out of it than I got. I liked the characters and the plot, but I just wasn’t as deeply enthralled by this.

3. Turtles all the Way Down by John Green

9.5/10

I mean, it’s phenomenal. This novel is funny, it has depth, it’s enthralling, it’s exciting. Generally, it should be a ten, but I gave it a 9 because to be a ten, you need to change my outlook on life. And while this book still brings back memories of sitting in my room, cosy, burning incense, this book did not change the way I see the world.

4. Jane Unlimited by Kirstin Cashore

8/10

If you liked to choose your own adventure as a child, this book is for you. It’s gay, clever, and it tells the complex story of one girl, her grandmother, and the manor they both have visited. It’s got romance, sci-fi, fantasy, mystery. Honestly, I can’t recommend this book enough.

5. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

7/10

I mean, it was good. I guess I am just biased because Margaret Atwood is a dick to my grandma sometimes, so I have strong feelings about her. Still, the novel is pretty slow but still interesting. It’s still good, I’m just bitter.

6. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

7.5/10

This novel was really good, it was just way shorter than I was expecting. Not much really happened. I find that I am always excited to read a classic dystopian novel, and am never really happy with it. This will be a recurring theme.

7. 1984 by George Orwell

6/10

I did not like this book very much outside its pretence. The characters are awful; the main one just wishes fulfilment and his girlfriend is happy that he wants to rape her. Sure, surveillance is creepy, but it’s just not for me. I only read it because my Dad gave me his copy.

8. Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Abertalli

8/10

Another reoccurring trend is all gay novels getting an 8. What can I say, I’m a sucker for good representation? This novel is a fun ride and is a good way to help straight people understand some of the struggles of being gay now. Also, I’m still mad about the reaction to blackmail by his friends, but that’s a rant for another day.

9. People Like Us by Dana Mele

8.5/10

Really gay, and only gets that extra 0.5 because it began my introduction to dark academia, a disease which has been slowly taking over my life. I literally tell everyone to read this novel. EVERYONE. It’s gay, it’s a murder mystery, there is deception and blackmail and an all-girls private school. So good.

10. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

5/10

I mean, I can’t deny that his craft is good, but this guy is the worst. This entire novel is about how awful kids these days are, especially those damn Americans. They love drugs, sex, classism, and stuff. While I think critiquing consumerism in Western society is a worthwhile endeavour, I am so tired of old people talking about how much they hate casual sex. While this book is still good for the brain, I literally can’t stand it.

11. Hamlet by Shakespeare

8/10

You know, I really enjoyed this book. I’m a sucker for a tragedy and I’ve never met as big of a sucker as Hamlet. It’s funny, it’s poignant, and I just love Shakespeare.

12. The Hate List by Jennifer Brown

7/10

This book is fine. I enjoyed it, but I’m struggling to remember much of what happened outside of the premise and painting. For the life of me, I can’t remember the ending. It was good, but not good enough to have a profound effect on me.

13. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin

9/10

While I was expecting this book to fall short of my expectations like so many other classics, I’m not disappointed at all. This book is funny. The main character is just constantly coming for anyone who speaks to her. Everything is banter. Everything is great. I’m pleased.

14. Anil’s Ghost by Michael Ondaatje

8/10

This book is well written and interesting. Maybe it’s just because I spent so many hours analyzing it, but there is so much depth here. It’s an excellent look at conflict, even if it at times can be confusing.

15. The Secret History by Donna Tartt

10/10

I am now obsessed with dark academia because of this book. This book is beautifully written, and immersive, and thought-provoking. It changed my life, and the way I behave and perceive myself and others. It’s addictive.

16. Neverworld Wake by Marsha Pessl

9/10

This book is very close to dark academia, and it’s a bit supernatural. It’s interesting and devastating. Can you tell I like books that make me feel something, even if it’s something terrible?

17. The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

8/10

This book wasn’t written for me, and while it was good, it wasn’t as awesome as I was expecting. The writing was fine, the plot was really good, and the characters strong. I think I’m just getting too old for YA now, which kind of upsets me because I just bought a ton of YA books.

18. Monday’s Not Coming by Tiffany D. Jackson

3/10

I literally hated this book. I read it in like an afternoon because I bought it and the zeigarnik effect is strong with me. I didn’t want to put it down because I never wanted to open it again. This book is literally fucking confusing the whole damn time until the twist at the end. Like, it made no fucking sense so the twist was the only logical conclusion. Also, the shocking ending was so damn obvious. This book is awful.

19. The Power by Naomi Alderman

10/10

The problem is power. Pretty much enough said. It’s well written and interesting, and actually factually made me change the way I perceive the world around me. I cannot stress how spectacular this book is. The reviews weren’t great, so I was worried but damn.

20. That’s Not What Happened by Kodi Keplinger

7.5/10

This was a good read. It kind of jump-started my interested in criminology in the opposite direction of the Secret History. Not why people murder, but how the media portrays victims. It’s interesting and a quick read. I enjoyed it.

21. Vox by Christina Dalcher

7.5/10

This book was just like Handmaid’s Tale, but I think I enjoyed it more. Maybe it’s because I felt more attached to the characters, or maybe it’s because I never stop talking, or maybe I just enjoyed the prose more. Whatever it was, this book was good.

22. Miles Away From You by A. B. Rutledge

7/10

This book is interesting and fun, but it for some reason left a sour taste in my mouth. Maybe it’s because of how they treated their trans character. This is the only gay book which does not get at least an 8 on this list.

23. Sadie by Courtney Summers

9.5/10

Okay, so it didn’t change my life, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love every damn second of it. I love Sadie, and the people she meets, and her family. The podcast is also pretty awesome too. Courtney Summers is great.

24. One of Us is Lying by Karen McManus

8/10

I know this will get flak, but it’s not bad. It’s cliché, sure, but sometimes you just want a book that fits this bill. A bit of murder, some teenagers, and a media circus. What a fun show.

#Books 2018

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