#this is a terrible time to post a gifset but they really have taken over my brain i love them so much 😭

[grovervunderwoodposts]

CHARLIE SPRING and NICK NELSON in HEARTSTOPPER (2022—) “Oh my god, I like you so much. And I love liking you.”

#heartstopperedit #heartstopper #charlie spring #nick nelson #nick x charlie #charlie x nick #narlie #joe locke #kit connor #uservalentina #bijespers #usertolya #userrobin #** #this is a terrible time to post a gifset but they really have taken over my brain i love them so much 😭

[indelibleevidence]

Broken Wings, chapter 1 (Reller, M-rated)

Author's Note: Also on FanFiction.Net and AO3! Updating on Saturdays, because I made sure to actually finish the fic before I started posting it, to ensure I didn't consign it to WIP hell like my other WIPs. XD

Wow, this is going to be a lot of explaining, but here we go! First off, if you haven't read Strikethrough, Crossroads, and the Damaged Goods summaries for the rest of the fics that I haven't written in between Crossroads and this one, go do that first. There's also a one-shot called Stalling that's set a month or two before this fic, but it's not necessary reading to get what's going on here.

This fic contains suicidal ideation, suicidal distress, and a depiction of Remi at rock bottom. If you're in a bad place, it might be better if you don't read this right now. (And I hope you feel less terrible soon.)

Remi is a lot different from the Remi in Crossroads. She's got pretty much all of her memories from her Jane years back now, and is a little bit softer and less sweary, until she's provoked, and then she reverts to 'fuck you' mode. Much like Jane's 4x15/4x16 self in canon, she's overwhelmed by the weight of her past mistakes, as Remi and as Jane. She's definitely not on the 'yay, law enforcement' train, and is still mostly ACAB in nature, but she knows that at least Kurt and his team are well-intentioned, and their eyes are open to the corruption within the system (mainly because of the first set of tattoos). By this point in my timeline, she also has accepted the fact that she's in love with Kurt, but she'd die before she'd ever admit it to him.

Jane is referred to as a third person throughout this fic, because neither Remi nor Kurt are at the 'Jane and Remi are just two time periods sans memories for one person' stage of acceptance. Also because it's easier for me, as a writer, to differentiate between those different time periods and mindsets by just using the names she was going by at the time. I do think that in another year down the Damaged Goods timeline, both Remi and Kurt will stop referring to Jane as a separate entity, but Remi kind of needs it right now, and though Kurt is further down the line as seeing Jane as a part of Remi, he's still getting there too. So things might seem a little bit disassociative identity disordery, and I apologise to anyone who might stumble upon this who actually lives with DID and hates what I did with this. But Remi is compartmentalising a LOT, though interestingly enough, now she's seeing Jane as the better person, whereas before, she loathed Jane with the fire of a thousand suns. The difference a few memories can make...

This fic is complete, so I'll post updates on Saturdays, I guess. This is my first time actually finishing a multi-chaptered fic before starting to post, but I really didn't want to start posting another WIP that was going to hang around in limbo (I'm sorry, Remember to Forgive and Taken for Granted fans! I will get there, I hope!).

Lastly, I really have to thank nachosandcheeze for her enthusiasm for this AU, and her encouragement for me to keep writing for it. She's not the only one who's been lovely about it (and thank you to everyone who cares about my weird little enemies to lovers universe where Jane never quite made it back to her brain - really, you guys are fantastic!), but she's been pretty consistently poking me with metaphorical sticks, and making Remi gifsets, and squeeing over Reller, etc. - to the point where I showed her the half-scene I had written from a fic several fics away from where I'd left off with Crossroads, just to get it out of my brain. And she loved it so much that I wrote a bit more, and a bit more, until over 16k later, I ended up with this. So thank you again, nachos. You're proof that nagging a fic author for more story does actually work, sometimes! :D

*

Absently tracing the carving on the stone with her finger, Remi glanced over to the small vial of clear liquid on her nightstand. It sat on top of a small, leatherbound booklet—El Libro de la Eternidad—which she’d smuggled out of Peru, along with the stone brick from Machu Picchu. Maybe she should feel guilty that she’d stolen a couple of pieces of Peruvian history from its citizens, even if one of them was a loose brick, but after all the things she’d done in her short fuck-up of a life, her conscience was way past that. And the brick contained a carved message for her: RB 4 RB, Roman Briggs for Remi Briggs, along with binary code that pointed to Roman’s data caches, and a message that had made tears sting her eyes.

Hey, sis.

I got you something. I never solved this one.

 I hope you can. I did my best.

May you outlive this… for both of us.

Your brother, always,

Roman

Even during his bitter feud with Jane—Remi still flinched to think of him ZIPped and claustrophobic in his FBI cell, even though she now remembered Jane’s reasons, and her anguish at her brother’s state—Roman had still been looking for a cure for her. He’d had his own, the one she’d stolen from Dr. Roga and used to cure herself—after all, Roman had died before he’d had the chance to benefit from it. But still, he’d hunted down more Stanton cells, which meant that now, Remi had a cure for ZIP poisoning all lined up.

She had everything she needed. If Roman’s cache intel was right, New York billionaire hypochondriac Ken Lee would trade El Libro de la Eternidad for the Stanton cells. Dr. Roga could synthesise a new cure, if Kurt approached her. And Remi would need that cure, because the ZIP on the nightstand would be going into her body, as soon as she laid the plan out for Kurt.

There was just one more thing left to do.

Setting aside Roman’s carving, she accessed the video recording setting on her phone, and held it up so that her face was visible. She’d made a video for her future self once before, to further Phase One of her grand plan by introducing Jane to Oscar, and verifying his trustworthiness.

And you know how that turned out, her internal critic whispered.

Swallowing hard, Remi made herself focus on the task at hand, ignoring the guilt gnawing on the synapses at the back of her mind. How was she going to start this thing? Saying hello seemed redundant.

“I know you’re suffering right now, and I’m sorry for that. You don’t remember your old life, and that’s intentional. Please, trust me when I say you shouldn’t go hunting for the finer details. I’m sparing you a lifetime of pain and futility by taking the ZIP, even though you might not be able to appreciate that.”

She sounded whiny as hell, but how else could she put it? She had to make future Jane understand that this was for the best.

“The only options, as I see them, are suicide or ZIP. I’ve got enough here that I should be able to wipe out any trace of my old memories. You might get a few flashes, but I hope you don’t. You don’t need to go through this again.”

If you weren’t such a coward, you’d just put a shotgun barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger. Maybe Jane would think she was cowardly. But she wasn’t afraid to die. She just didn’t want Kurt to have to suffer, knowing his wife was dead along with Remi.

“I’m doing this, instead of killing myself, because you have good people around you, people I’ve already hurt enough, and don’t want to hurt any more by making them lose you. You have loyal friends. A husband who loves you very much. Things will be hard for you at first, but you’ll build a life again, like you did before. And this time, you’ll know who did this to you, and why, and you won’t have me telling you to disregard your instincts and undermine the people you care about. I was misled, and betrayed, but I made bad choices, too. I was too stubborn to see it for so long, but the first time we were ZIPped, Jane found happiness, and a new purpose, and even though I still don’t think law enforcement is the shining star of morality… If you’re working with Kurt and his team, you’ll be working towards good things. Hold onto that.”

She took a breath, picking up the ancient Peruvian brick again.

“The one thing I want to tell you about is my—our—brother, Roman. Or Ian. That was his birth name, just like yours was Alice. Ian Kruger. Later, Roman Briggs. He wasn’t perfect, as I’m sure Kurt will tell you. But he was a follower his whole life, not a leader. He followed me, and our adopted mother, because he loved us, and didn’t want to be rejected. Jane hurt him too much, and he turned on her, and on Kurt, but deep down, he was a good man. He just wanted a loving family, to belong somewhere.”

She held the brick up in the camera’s sight. “I want you to keep this. Take care of it. This points to his last message from him to me, on his data caches. To Remi, I mean. Not the old version of Jane.” How did things get so confusing? “I have the actual message saved on my phone, so you should be able to see the message itself there. As for the brick, I took it from Peru, along with something to bargain with for a cure for your ZIP poisoning. Roman was looking for a cure for me, even while he knew I—the old Jane—was working to bring him down. He just wanted his sister back, I guess.”

If she kept this up for much longer, she was going to get too damn emotional, and there was no way she was willing to break down and cry on video. She had to cut this short. “Roman and I went through hell together, and that’s one of the things I don’t want you to remember anything about, so I won’t go into it. But we survived our childhood by relying on each other, and then our teenage years were the same, in a different way. We used to pass a South African rand coin our parents gave us back and forth, giving it to each other as a gift. It wasn’t worth much back then—and it’d buy even less now—but its symbolic value for us was priceless. For Roman, it was a comfort object. Jane buried him with it, so I don’t have it now, but I wanted you to know about it.”

She dug her fingernails into her palm, a technique she’d first used at the orphanage to keep outwardly calm, while a torrent of emotions churned within her. The pain centred her, making the grief easier to bear.

“Things went so wrong, but I never stopped loving Roman, even as Jane. And he never stopped loving me.”

She sighed, knowing she should say more, should give Jane more closure, but knowing she’d never be able to get through it on camera. Maybe she’d write Jane a letter, before Kurt ZIPped her.

“I hope you can build a life again, and find happiness. You sure as hell couldn’t do worse than I did. Please, look forward, not back. There’s nothing here but pain. Good luck.”

She threw down the phone and buried her face in her hands, breathing deeply, striving for the numbness that could get her through the final days of this life. Soon she’d fly to New York, and wipe the slate clean.

The end of my memories can’t come soon enough. I can’t do this anymore.

*

Three days later…

Kurt stared from the vial and hypodermic needle to his wife, a rapidly growing pit in his stomach. What…is happening here? What the hell, Remi?

“It’s okay,” she said, shrugging as though this was a foregone conclusion, a logical end to everything they’d battled through on their way to this moment. “I’ve made my peace with it. There’s nothing left here for me now. This is Jane’s world, and I don’t belong in it. At least…at least this way, you can get her back. Or as close to it as it’s possible to get.”

“It’s okay?” he finally managed to say, his throat choked with an intense mass of emotions that he couldn’t even begin to analyse right now. “Your identity is what makes you you, Remi. You’ve fought to defend it so damn hard, it nearly drove us apart for good. You’ve spent over a year getting so many of your memories back, and now you want a clean slate again? I know you remember how hard it was for you after Times Square, and after Cape Town.”

She wrapped her arms around herself, still not meeting his eyes. “The first time, you didn’t know who Jane was. Nobody knew. This time, everyone will. And she’ll have you, and your friends. It’s…easier that way. Even though I hated you when I found out what had happened to Sandstorm, at least I had…” She shook her head. “Anyway—Jane will adjust quickly. You can get the woman you married back, as she was.”

The words shook him, in so many different ways. He rubbed a hand over his face, floundering to make sense of everything.

To get his Jane back…it was everything he’d dreamed of for so long. During those ten months that Remi had gone off the radar, he’d been desperate to find a way to bring Jane back to the forefront of her mind. Aside from Bethany and work, it had been all he’d thought about, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a spark of hope for that outcome now.

But it was all wrong. It was a fairytale. Jane had been a product of the situation she’d been in, from the bag in Times Square to not knowing who she was, to thinking she was Taylor Shaw and then discovering she wasn’t, to being tortured by the CIA—and then discovering she used to be Remi Briggs, daughter of the leader of a terrorist organisation. She’d become who she was because of the way things had been back then, the way her new life had unfolded, and there was no way to know how much of that would be replicated in a newly ZIPped Remi.

Remi. God… I… He swallowed hard, something akin to grief seeping into his bones.

“What about you? This is like…like mental suicide for a huge part of you. You really want to kill yourself that badly? Why not shoot yourself in the head? Jump off a building? Overdose on pills?” His voice was harsher than he meant it to come out—demanding, angry.

Terrified. He was goddamn terrified.

Remi flinched at his tone, finally looking into his eyes. “Because you don’t want to live without her. And if I did one of those things, you’d have to face that she’d never come back.”

He rose from the couch abruptly, the twister of conflicted emotions within him too much to handle if he stayed still. Tears filled his eyes as he stalked over to the kitchen, and he rested his palms on the worktop, his back to Remi, as he tried to breathe.

“So you really want to die?” he managed to ask.

“There’s nothing left for me. My mother, my brother, my friends, my cause, my convictions… Everything is gone, Weller. There’s no point in trying to rebuild. I’ve spent the past year not knowing what to do with myself, fucking things up…”

He turned on her, snarling, “There’s nothing left for you? Then what the hell am I? Why do you keep coming back? After everything that’s happened, you don’t care enough to stick around?”

She got to her feet, crossed the room, her eyes sad. “The only thing I care about in this life is you, and I hurt you constantly, just by not being Jane. This way, it kills two birds with one stone. My empty life goes away, and you get Jane back. You get to be happy, and I get to…forget.”

A tear slid down his cheek, and he dashed it away impatiently. “Remi…”

She reached up to brush another tear from the corner of his eye, her fingers gentle. “I don’t want either of us to hurt anymore. We’ve suffered enough.”

Staring down at her, he finally put names to the emotions within him. Fear and pain had been easy to identify on their own, but they were joined by a surge of something else, so strong and fierce and breathtakingly real that he could hardly bear it.

Remi… Fuck, I can’t lose you. I need you.

I love you.

Despite everything she’d done to him, all the mental torment she’d put him through, the bitter arguments they’d had, the misunderstandings and deceit that had shredded their trust in each other…he’d fallen for the whole of her, just as hard as he had for the Jane part of her. Remi was Jane, intensified. She’d called herself damaged goods, and he couldn’t disagree, but so was he. Remi understood him in a way Jane never could have on her own.

And he was suddenly, powerfully certain that she loved him just as much.

Unable to control himself, he pulled her into his arms, giving her a crushing kiss that seemed to shock the breath from her, even as she returned it just as ardently. Part of him wanted to reject this whole conversation, carry her to bed, fuck her until they were both too exhausted to do anything but fall asleep in each other’s arms.

But this was too serious to hide from, even temporarily. He had to make his position clear.

Wrenching away from her, he stalked over to the table, picked up the small bottle of ZIP and brought it to the kitchen sink. Unscrewing the lid, he poured the contents down the drain, then dropped the bottle and turned to Remi, who was staring at him as though he’d gone mad.

“What the hell?” she demanded.

“Listen to me,” he told her, his eyes locked on hers. “I will never use that stuff on you. Ever. It doesn’t matter to me that there’s a cure for ZIP poisoning all lined up. There’s no going back for us. I can’t just inject you and turn you back into the Jane you used to be. It wouldn’t work like that.”

She sighed, looking down at the splashes of ZIP remaining in the sink. “Better the devil you know than the angel you don’t?”

He cupped her face in both hands, making sure she couldn’t look away from his face. “You’re my devil, and my angel, and everything in between. Remi, the thought of losing you scares the hell out of me. You’re my wife, and you may not be the way you were when we got married, but you’re still the woman I fell in love with, deep down.”

She was frowning, shaking her head, and he rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes as she drew in a shaky breath.

“I love you, just as much as I did when you were Jane. You didn’t make it easy to get to know you, but every time you let me in a little more, I fell for you even further. I need you to stay you.”

“What?” She breathed the word, and he opened his eyes to find her visibly trembling. Her expression was a study in contradictions. Fear. Hope. Anger. Longing.

Kurt smiled sadly. “It’s too late. I already know you love me, too.”

She tore herself out of his arms, stepped out of his reach. “Stop it. This has gone far enough, Weller.”

“No. It hasn’t gone anywhere near far enough. You’re so scared of making yourself vulnerable, of being hurt again, that you’re hurting yourself so that I’ll never have that power over you.” He took a step closer, and she backed into the living room immediately.

He’d once mentally compared her to a trapped animal, defensively clawing and snarling out of fear. He saw that same distress in her now, and ached to hold her, even though it would only make the situation worse.

“I thought we were over this,” she said, her voice brittle. “I’m not Jane.”

“No, you’re not Jane. You’re Remi. I see you, the whole of you. I know exactly who you are, and I love you.”

She eyed the apartment door, her fists bunched at her sides and her jaw set.

“Don’t run from this. Please.” He took another slow, careful step, and though she backed up again, her eyes were on him once more.

“You never took off your wedding ring, even when you were telling me you hated me. You’ve opened up to me more than once. You’ve trusted me to keep you safe, and you’ve forgiven me for mistakes I’ve made, and I’ve done the same for you.”

She pulled at the ring on her finger, trying to remove it. “You can believe what you want to believe, but it’s not true. It was just about sex and anger, and then we became friends with benefits. That’s it.”

He caught hold of her left hand and held it between his, before she could take off the wedding band. “You didn’t even want to admit you wanted me, back when we first realised we still needed each other. Even when you were halfway to coming. Is it gonna be the same now?”

She snorted, but didn’t try to yank her hand free from his. “What, you think you’re gonna fuck a confession of love out of me? It’s not the same thing, Weller.”

“Is that what it’s gonna take?” He couldn’t pretend he was surprised. They’d resolved so many of their other issues through arguing their way into sex. Why would this be any different?

Her jaw trembled before she firmed it, glaring at him. “No, because it won’t work. It’s not true.”

With anyone else, he’d take that as their final answer. A rejection that he’d have to accept and move on from. But with Remi, things had never been straightforward and simple.

She tested him at every turn, refusing to take anything he said at face value, and this thing with the ZIP was likely a part of it. He wanted to believe that was all it was—a manipulation, a shock tactic designed to scare him into laying all his cards on the table—but his gut told him otherwise.

She would never have risked him saying yes to her offer to ‘become Jane again’ if she hadn’t been prepared to accept the consequences. She was too proud to back down from something she’d said she’d do. And that meant that she really was at a desperate end point, unable to find a way to move forward from the ruins they’d left of her pre-ZIP life.

Kurt needed her to see that he could help her find the path, if she’d only trust herself to walk it. But first, she had to know he wasn’t going anywhere, that he wasn’t just settling for a doppelgänger until he decided to stop clinging to Jane’s memory.

And they both had to be clear where they stood with each other.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”

Remi stared at him, for a moment seeming completely taken aback. Then her protective bravado and anger kicked in. “You say ‘jump’, I say ‘how high’? No!”

Even as he understood her reasons for refusing—knew she was just trying to protect herself—her words still stung.

“I love you, Remi.” He shrugged, standing straighter as he laid out his challenge. “If you don’t feel the same way, I need to know. So come on—break my heart.”

God, this is going to hurt.

He believed that she loved him. But whether she’d ever admit it to herself, let alone to him, was another story entirely.

#broken wings #damaged goods #reller #blindspot #blindspot fanfic #canon divergence #really hope this posts coherently #the post editor is weird today

[thestalwartheart]

short fic: another round

Hi friends!

This is a follow-up to this poem and gifset I posted the other day. I just could not let it go. Also, I've been writing a lot of angst lately, so it was time to soothe myself with something a bit more lighthearted.

I'd recommend reading the poem first, but if you hate poetry, you can just check out the gifset and consider this a little alternate meet story.

Read it on AO3 or under the cut.

Enjoy! ❤️

another round.

In another place, on a typically overcast London day outside the National Gallery, two people meet. It’s not the first time or the last they’ll come across each other, but something in the vast galaxy of time sighs nevertheless. The persistence of a constant is always so terrifically satisfying.

A man — let’s call him Jonathan — is looking down at his phone when he hits a wall of solid muscle. The wall in front of him grunts, and Jonathan looks up at the sound, right into a pair of startlingly blue eyes. He rushes to apologise. He would have done it anyway, but something about the man’s impassive expression has him wanting to do it quicker.

“I’m so sorry. Christ, I’ve become one of those people, haven’t I?” He gestures vaguely at the square around them and pockets his mobile. “The twats who can’t even cross the road without looking at their phones. I’ll book myself in for an intervention later. I really am terribly sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Mr Blue Eyes says, evidently entertained at Jonathan’s floundering tirade. His smile is exceptionally fetching, and he’s wearing the world’s most expensive, well-tailored and well-pressed suit. All in all, the effect of him is wholly overwhelming. Jonathan tries not to broadcast that too obviously, lest he embarrass himself even further.

“Well, you have my thanks for being uncommonly understanding. I—”

His phone dings, interrupting them. The stranger smiles and nods towards Jonathan’s pocket.

“I’d suggest staying stationary this time.”

The responding quip on Jonathan’s tongue dies as he reads the message. “Oh, fucking brilliant. I’ve been stood up.”

Not that his date had been a particularly fascinating man, but it had taken Jonathan an hour longer than usual to get here with the ongoing works on the Northern Line. Moreover, he’s dressed very nicely for the occasion and left his cats home alone, though it was the last thing he wanted to do.

“That’s unfortunate. I’m sure it’s their loss.”

If Jonathan’s not mistaken — and he rarely is — there’s a glimmer of interest in the man’s eye. Thirty years as a gay man has taught him a few lessons about when he’s being ever so subtly flirted with. Not many, admittedly, but enough to know when he might be in for a stroke of good luck.

“You know, I think it might be too. I know quite a bit about the paintings in there. In another life, I might have made a fantastic tour guide.”

“Really? I don’t know much about art. Why don’t you teach me?”

The interest is blatant now, burning so strongly Jonathan thinks he might blush from the stranger’s gaze alone. He gets lost in it for a slightly too-long beat of time. People bustle around them, tutting impatiently at the two men taking up an awkwardly large corner of the gallery’s stairs.

Saying yes might be an awful idea. The man standing before him is about as different to Jonathan as anyone could be. He’s broad and muscular, older than Jonathan would usually go for, and evidently a man with a taste for luxury. Given he knows how to proposition someone he’s only just met, Jonathan thinks he’s probably the sort of risk-taker that jumps into things a hair too fast. Still, the invitation hadn’t been crass or overly lecherous. Jonathan could walk away now and be almost certain there would be no hard feelings.

But, well. What a way to get over a no-show. And let it not be said that Jonathan can’t take a few risks of his own.

“Yes. Why not? So long as you don’t make me sit in front of one of the Turner paintings. They always make me feel far too melancholy.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want that,” comes the amused reply. As they climb the stairs, the man’s hand hovers over Jonathan’s lower back. “We’ll stick to something a bit more bacchanalian, shall we?”

Jonathan laughs. “As you like, Mr…”

“Bond, James Bond.”

#00q #00q fic #007 fest #007 fest 2022 #teamcivilian #my fic

[llycaons]

ep16 (part 2):

oh cinematically tragic lost handhold....

I've seen so many gifsets of wwx in this scene and that's because as terrible as everything is he has genuinely never looked better. very handsome. sorry about the tragedies

aw man there's jyl OH SHE HAS PEARLS SEWN INTO HER ROBE I wonder if the jiangs trade with sects that live along the ocean. do they have ocean access? I can't remember. maybe they're freshwater pearls

when jyl asks what happened and all wwx can do is stand there crying. and jc is also crying. oof

why did she tell wwx to do this...did she think jc couldn't?

a triangle of misery...

there's a really long meta post about the cinematography for this and I don't remember all of it but it's like. jyl and jc are in the foreground so their grief is being paid attention to, but wwx is in the back and you can't even see his face. his grief is ignored, even though he's the central figure. he's also taking on the task of a servant and neither jyl nor jc stop him

this is def a most extreme case (jc and jyl are SUPER traumatized and I'm not even blaming them for this), and it's not representative of all their interactions with wwx, but it gets me thinking. wwx talks about lwj being his equal bc he's good at things in the way that wwx is, but you can also view it like, with lwj wwx is completely free of the tangle of debts and obligations he has with the jiangs, and they look after each other , purely because they care about each other rather, than that onus always being on wwx. jyl does take care of him, and jc does too sometimes, but wwx must do the same for the other two and cannot truly fight back in a meaningful way if he's being mistreated.

obviously this setup above would never happen with lwj bc lwj doesn't see wwx as a servant or someone bound to him at all. he may see other people as servants, but he's always insistent that wwx is taken care of and he wouldn't accept wwx acting this way to him. which is really good! like I feel that ppl who are ride-or-die for yunmeng sibs and ignore lwj don't appreciate how freeing being with lwj is for wwx and how happy he is to have a relationship that's his own and on his own terms. ah, I miss him

jyl getting ill so easily, I think she has an autoimmune disorder. I've seen her hced as having celiac's and having chronic joint pain, and I think either an autoimmune disease or chronic fatigue makes mot sense. and for some conditions, both of those symptoms are seen so it's not a stretch. fibromyalgia, for one

uh oh. last look before the end.

LIFE-ALTERING MOMENT. this scene is so well done. the dread I feel every single time. it's incredible.

literally who is that

flashforward to the scene in 18(?) where jc makes the same promise to jyl about wwx. I feel ill

something really messed up is how often one of the kids will be like 'we'll go together, right"? this past few episodes. they really are clinging to each other like buoys in a storm

this happened when wwx was running out of BM after waking up from wen qing's needle. he runs and falls over :(

oh jeez I bet they're all dead by the end of this huh

MEAN TO WEN NING. he lied kind of awkwardly but it WAS effective. a nice thing about being known for being weak and socially awkward is that nobody suspects you when you're being suspicious

I wonder what happened to those women too. I assume they're wens, unless they were hired by wens. the clan is fucking huge idk

HE KNEW. and he knew it could have been lethal, I assume, unless he detected the exact poison used. and he somehow knew it was for the bodies of the jiang parents, huh

next episode will also be pretty rough but sunshot/postsunshot are among my favorite arcs so I am HYPED

also we'll finally see lwj again next ep. I think. I miss him. I wonder how many eps jc is missing from. surely several in a row, esp postres. yi city for sure. he's been in every one so far. now I'm curious

#cql re-rewatch

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

♡ Final Space Quinn x Gary ♡

♡♡ Quinn x Gary’s Journey Links & Commentary ♡♡

This is a long ass post. I believe that it may be the most comprehensive Quinnary post on the site. 

I combed through Final Space in order to chronicle this relationship. The most detailed portions might have taken place during a manic phase. The less detailed parts were probably done during a fairly normal (for me) state of mind. I didn’t work on it during any bouts with depression, despite having a few during the course of this project. For the most part, this oughtta all be accurate. 

FOR THE HOMIES @space-finally​ Happy Super Belated Birthday! @shslargue @andromidagalaxie @daintyurbanprincess @sleepyfangirl18 @simplyender​ ​

One note: Some of these links are clips on YouTube, some are gifsets created on Tumblr (most of which come from @chookity-dookity​ and @jlassijlali​), and some are to other miscellaneous posts. I didn’t think about notating which are which until I was pretty far into the record, so clicking each link will be different formats of the scenes. Most are either gifsets or clips. If I can’t find one, there is just me blabbing.

♡♡♡ SEASON 1 ♡♡♡

Boy Meets Girl: This initial meeting is super weird out of context. Gary seems like a complete and utter creep and nobody in their right mind would have been interested in this man if this was how he approached them. Of course, since then, we’ve learned that Gary has limited people skills from having only one decent parent who died when he was young, and also abandonment issues from having an indecent parent. He’s fortunately learned better since then.

I Don’t Want to Wake Up: This scene is one of the main reasons that Cookie Wife really didn’t make any goddamn sense in S2, but anyways, Gary really said that he didn’t mind not waking up if it meant him being with Quinn again, and this is before she’s ever trapped in Final Space or anything. Gary simply had her in his psyche as his greatest desire and she’s just there, missing him and wanting to be with him.

The Reunion 

I.G. Takeover Command:

Quinn: For some reason, they’re trying to shut down my investigation.

Gary: What a bunch of nerds.

Quinn: They’re after me.

Gary: You, why? You’re perfect.

Quinn: (Tells them what the problem is and everything bad that transpired after that)

Gary:... (Tries to fucking flirt with her)

The Fighting/Flirting Scene of YIKES!: Soooooooooo... I can’t seem to find a clip of this or a gifset, but it was that part where the ship is being taken over by the Infinity Guard, the Sames are turning on the crew, and Quinn is literally punching Gary in the face while he insists that they’re flirting. What can you do besides like... be turned completely off. That was terrible. Thank goodness he’s grown.

Arguing over who saves the day... SHE knows exactly what needs to be done, but Gary is trying to prove himself and OMG. Like... I don’t understand how people didn’t understand Quinn’s frustrations with this man in S1. Lol. 

“Alright. We wait for Gary.” I NEED y’all to understand the compromise that was made here. Quinn wants to leave Gary behind. Quinn explains WHY leaving Gary behind is the best thing to do for billions of lives. The rest of these fools talmbout they not leaving without Gary, and so she agreed... I INSIST that y’all acknowledge that Quinn has literally become an enemy of an intergalactic superpower to carry out this mission, standing up to not only her superiors, but all of the reinforcements that they’ve sent after her... but instead of fighting them on it (and we know that she doesn’t mind doing so, even when outnumbered and outgunned)... She AGREES. She states her case the one time, they say “No,” and she doesn’t push it. That’s actually a huge show of compromise for her. Would she have gotten her way if she pushed back? Probably not. But she wasn’t above pushback and she still chose not to in this situation.

Girl Remembers Boy: This man literally gets his finger snapped for not respecting boundaries.   Was it WORTH IT GARY?

♡

Painfully Short & Clear I actually LOVE this spot in their development because of a couple of things that happened here. 1. He asked her why she wouldn’t give him a chance. 2. She answered, very clearly and reasonably. 3. He “broke up with her,” but more than that - his FOCUS when interacting with her became the root issue that she named “That doesn’t inspire a lot of trust.” After this moment, Gary repeatedly focuses on getting Quinn to trust him (and not so much asking her out or asking for another chance), but WORKING ON himself, in a way that he has been clearly told what problem she has. 

Corruption Stew - So, okay... I like this little tidbit too, because it shows that Quinn, for all her genius and all her common sense, her faith in the Infinity Guard is so well constructed that she doesn’t even CONSIDER that they’re corrupt. But Gary, for all his bumbling and borderline inefficiency in a plethora of things... Can see it for what it is, and is outspoken. 

She Don’t Trust You Knuckas. 

Quinn Tries to Send Gary Away.

(This is Gary and Quinn’s first adventure together! )

Gotta go around...

Quinn confronts the Infinity Guard about the Lord Commander (Okay... I can’t tell if the clip is messed up or my computer is having issues, so... I mean... sorry if it’s janked up.) Her Face

Gary Begs Quinn Not to Join the Infinity Guard

Destroying the Laser

The Trust Save

“Healthy People Trust”

♡

Chapter 6 is one of my favorite episodes of this show. So many things take place, but for me, personally, I care the most about the development/revelations of Quinn and Gary in it.

Quinn VS Avocato:

Sidenote: As much as fandom pits Avocato and Quinn against each other, I certainly hardly ever see the two clips in the show where they had their big disagreements.

It just feels like such a crucial piece of lore. 

Like... this is so close after the whole, "Healthy people trust," and Quinn's first response to this disagreement (which is a huge and world threatening disagreement), is to pull a gun, then they're basically in a life threatening situation and her takeaway ultimately was, "I can't believe I trusted you." It made me laugh a little bit the first time, because I was like... "Dawg... you pulled a gun," but also like... it IS a situation worth pulling a gun over.

And Idk if I would ever trust somebody again after that, but definitely after tying me to a chair. Lol. A MESS. Gary was right when he said there was really no good rebound after that... but he was also wrong, because there actually was and it took place in this episode.

TRANSMISSION BINGE WITH MOONCAKE!!!:  Where I credit the origin of Quinn starting to fall for Gary. I love that you can tell that she’s changing her mind about him, even though she doesn’t SUDDENLY become into him or immediately loses her common damn sense over him, or anything like that.  

  “You can trust Gary.” - HUE 

  “That idiot” (affectionate) and the Incoming Transmission.

Quinn: H.U.E. Where’s Gary?

H.U.E.: Unclear. I have lost communications with him.

Quinn: Then, we’d better get down there and find him. We’re coming Gary.

(She doesn’t say that they’re going to go get “them” or name Avocato and his son. She specifically states that she’s looking for Gary and declares to Gary that she’s coming for him). Whenever she resumes communication with him, he says, ‘Oh Quinn, you really do love me,” and though she’s concerned about him, saving him and warming up to him, she quickly corrects that - even though the connection wasn’t great. Lol. Which is another reason that I hate whenever people suggest that Quinn just became a Gary prop when she “suddenly” caught feelings for him - because her feelings started developing as early as Chapter 6 (her feelings of trust, or at least trying to in the previous episode). IT DIDN’T JUST SUDDENLY HAPPEN WHEN THE WORLD WAS FALLING APART YOU HEFFAS.

Rescues Gary and the first exchange of warm smiles... you know... before Avocato ruined the moment by getting blown up! 

J/K... But he did really get his ass blown up shortly after. Seconds 30-about 1.00 tho? - Quinn being super happy to see Gary alive. Her focus is solely on him as he and the others board, and she watches him, smiling (one of her BRIGHTEST SMILES THUS FAR, MIND YOU), and after he greets Mooncake, he looks up at her and they just... smile at each other...

She isn’t mad at him anymore. She hasn’t left the ship to go on her mission alone. And, she is happy to see him alive (after she saved him). I’m reiterating this because a lot of folk try to act like Quinn only beat and bullied Gary up until the moment that they went on a date, and while those stupid people are probably not here, at this PRO-QUINN post in this QUINN LOVING environment, I really love punctuating that Quinn showed emotional acceptance of Gary AS EARLY AS this event.

It wasn’t because he lost his best friend. It wasn’t because she was stuck with him. She could have left. She chose to watch his transmissions, chose to save HIM, specifically, chose to stay and obviously was pleased with that decision after he made it back safely. 

♡

She was soft with him when we next saw them together in 7...

(Image: Quinn comforting Gary when Little Cato shuts him out) Gary’s Message to Avocato

Quinn sends Gary to talk to Little Cato. She doesn’t always have the emotional maturity it takes to ease the problems, but I love the fact that one of the aspects of Quinn’s personality is that she tries to get the best person to comfort others that she can find. (As she later does this when Gary is anguished over Fox’s death and she knows that he “needs” Avocato, instead of her. And to a certain degree, also Nightfall, who encourages Gary to step things up with Little Cato). 

Sidenote - I think its interesting that in this instance, when she looks around the room and there’s Mooncake, KVN and some Sames, SHE is the one to approach Gary and comfort him. I love the thought of her assessing the situation and knowing that this is the time when she IS the best person to do this, and that she’s willing to (because she cares). And it makes me wonder if she hadn’t already tried to be there for Little Cato too, because she was right behind him whenever he went through the vent and I believe that she’s been keeping an eye on him.

The Good Stuff: “H.U.E. What is he doing?” PLEASE NOTE how Quinn only EVER asks about Gary, specifically. You might say, that’s because he’s the only other human there, but she does this a lot, whether or not he is. She ONLY ever asks specifically about Gary when he’s involved in group shenanigans or danger. Quinn calls for Gary when they hear explosions from the ship. “What was that? Gary are you okay? Gary?!” 

Nightfall rescues them and reveals herself to Gary right as Quinn comes in to check on things. Quinn and Gary argue... well... Quinn fusses at Gary for doing some very ridiculous and immature shit. Though, between us, I think that Nightfall’s presence and Gary’s acknowledgment of her as Quinn was a sore sport that caused her to bounce back into her abrasiveness as a defense mechanism. Gary is being quite nonchalant, despite having just gone on a suicide mission with a young boy, in which, someone else had to rush in and save them and the kid wound up injured. 

Quinn seemed more hurt than angry, to me. She’s avoiding even looking at Gary as she lashes out at him, and when he suggests that he leaves, this is one of the few times that she agrees with him in this season. She’s not agreeing with his ass. She’s upset and doesn’t want to see him right now, and her tone is totally different than it was whenever she first entered the room, saying his name. Quinn didn’t show up to fuss at Gary. She showed up to check on things and Gary was goofing around with some flirtatious chick who had not only just saved him but was acting all cozy with him. She was probably actually upset with what had just happened, but you can’t convince me that she didn’t have jealous rage prompting some of her anger in this moment. To the point where she’s about to let Gary leave and sign on for raising Little Cato while she’s on this mission. “Quinn, Gary can’t leave.” - Nightfall

When Gary leaves the mission...

Quinn VS Nightfall.: Nightfall binds Gary, is caught and confronted by Quinn about what she’s up to, tells Quinn Gary’s typical fate in every timeline, and tries to kill Mooncake.

Quinn Needs Gary/Team: “Gary Rescues Little Cato” I would like to point out, as some like to forget A LOT of the time, that Little Cato meets Gary and Quinn on the same day. Gary signs on to take care of him, because he’s Avocato’s best friend and Avocato asked it of him, but Quinn is there, instructing Gary on a few parenting things, being EXTREMELY upset with him when Little Cato gets hurt in the process AND, was about to let Gary LEAVE Little Cato with her, since in her words of anger, he had allowed this to happen to Little Cato. And Little Cato heard their conversation (because as soon as they left he got up to use Nightfall’s time traveling ship), so he also knew that Gary was getting prepared to leave him there with Quinn and he accepted it.

In this scene, Little Cato clearly cares about her, too, and we know he was fond of Nightfall, and had her around for 60 years. So, listen... Long story short - Little Cato loves Quinn and sees her as a mom figure. She never actually officially signs on for that in adoption, so he doesn’t ever call her mom or anything like that. But, realistically - that’s his mom-head, and his parental ties to her are very much so real, despite her not being a formal mother to him on paper. 

♡

This Entire Episode, Really...

Gary having his ability crisis with Nightfall/Quinn

“We are not flying into a sun!”: Okay, okay, okay... I think about this a lot, because it highlights my thought process that Nightfall and Quinn were never the same Quinn. She’s an older Quinn, yeah - but not THIS Quinn as an older person. But... the way that Gary is talking to Sis in this episode... He don’t be talking to Quinn like that. Even in this episode, where he is highly distressed the entire time and full of anxiety, the snippiest he gets with her is sarcastically thanking him for not believing in him.

Fly Into the Sun: I love this scene because Quinn shows that even though (we know, as I pointed out in earlier moments, that she has feelings for Gary at this point), Quinn doesn’t suddenly become some passive prop that is just there to go along with Gary’s shenanigans. She tells him the truth - he’s not a good pilot, but she also gives him a chance to prove himself - please do not screw this up. Earlier Quinn would have fought Gary until he got out of the seat!

Bolo’s Mind Palace: Nightfall wishes him good luck. She’s always really cheerful and nice to Gary, despite him not really returning it and I have to wonder if some of Gary’s learning to pipe down a little with the over the top clinginess to Quinn wasn’t aided by seeing how uncomfortable it was for him whenever Nightfall seemed into him. 

Quinn asks, “What’s going on with Gary?” which winds up being how they’re allowed to see the interaction between Gary and his father.

The Talk with John: Quinn’s facial expressions whenever Gary is talking about her goes from being pleased that he said he loves her “to the max core,” to being saddened when he says that he doesn’t think that she likes him.

Gary Loses His Dad (Again) ☹: You can see the pain on her face when she has to see this happen to Gary.

They KNOW it's about to happen. Even if they didn't know before today, they knew from watching it unfold. Their reactions aren't reactions of shock and horror so much as hating to see Gary go through this tragedy. Because they care about him. She clutches her pearls and says, "No." This isn't the first death she's seen, in her career nor in the time we've seen her on the show. This hits different. This hurts her. She hates seeing this happen.

Whenever she consoles him with Little Cato, she chooses similar wording to the very thing that the person he loved most had just said to him. 

Gary and Quinn are on the same page 😊 I presume this because Nightfall goes away. I think that she realized that Quinn was finally where she and Gary were in tuned enough that she didn’t need to stick around.

♡

After John’s transmission and Quinn’s speech (I can’t find a clip or gifset), Gary tries to ask Quinn “something” during battle. (It’s to go on a date) 🥺🥺🥺

He’s persistent about it, but not in that way that he used to pester her. Instead, this is more like... He chose a bad time, but then again, they might not have had time in the future. So, persistence is endearing here, in my opinion. PLUS, he wasn’t so distracted that he couldn’t still save her from danger. (Gary saves Quinn during discussion)

KVN’s save & “Gary, give him a little something”

Quinn agrees to go on a date with Gary. Worth noting: Yes, they think that they’re about to die. That’s actually what makes this even more meaningful to me. Before she dies, Quinn wants to know why Gary even likes her, and whenever he answers, he includes his definition of love. Quinn, in what she believes are her last moments is ready to agree to go on a date with Gary. She knows that they can’t go on a date. They’re about to die. What she’s really agreeing to in this moment is to be willing to take a chance on Gary. She could have said that there is no love here or too bad it’s too late, or something. But, she tells him yes, for once, to one of his inquiries about them, after he speaks about love and before what they think is their certain death.

The fact that they live wasn’t something they expected. I’ve already said that I think that she had her feelings long before this, but several things happen this episode in which those feelings are brought out of her, into the light, into Gary’s awareness and into the rest of their relationship. I think this was the moment that their path together truly started. When she finally said “Yes” to him. 

Gary & Quinn’s “First Date” I really appreciate that even though everything is about to go to hell, they still get this moment in the place where they first met.

Honestly, this was simply funny to me. Y’all tryna save the world and Gary is tryna “bring it.” And Quinn looks like she’s into it. 😉 

First Hand Hold 💘💘💘

Quinn becomes playful with Gary and allows him to flirt with her. She ALSO seems to want to say more to him. Whenever they’re underwater, she seems like she is going to say something else, but decides on, “This is actually a pretty good first date...” immediately after which, she rescues Gary from getting harmed and takes the blow herself, which knocks her unconscious.

* It is very important for me to point out the fact that Quinn rescues Gary here, placing herself in danger in order to save him, because I never see this scene anywhere outside of watching the show and I hardly ever see it discussed, either. The narrative that Quinn doesn’t care about Gary or that he’s always saving her, or that their relationship is one sided now has another example against it. For reference, I can tell you that it happens in episode 9, at the 14:30 timestamp, but I couldn’t find a clip and I can’t remember if there’s a gifset that I ever saw for it. My friend made this for me specifically for this post.*

The World is Falling Apart... Now... I’m also gonna simply challenge the idea that Quinn suddenly became a totally different person in this episode and suddenly was interested in Gary without reservations... That shit ain’t happen. Quinn very much still had some reservations about Gary and their relationship, despite having already began feeling deeply for him, she still doesn’t bend to every whim he has. (Hard maybe) They once again think they’re about to die and while Gary does ask her to be in a relationship and she doesn’t say no, there’s not a huge proclamation of love or a big kiss or anything like the descriptors that people have claimed here. All they do in what they think are their last moments is hold each other.

Mooncake. “He stays with us” 🥺 Gary and Quinn are next to each other, ready to go to war together. GOD I LOVE THEM!

SEASON 1 FINALE: 

This episode is very important, because not only is it the last time that we see Quinn for a really long time, but it is the place where Quinn makes some hard decisions that I believe that she was contemplating before they got to this point. She always intended to be a hero. She always intended to save the world... She never intended to fall for Gary. But, that happens and now she has this journey. This journey with Gary, that she can tell is coming to an end.

When Gary gives his speech and he says that they’re “family,” Quinn nods her head and when he says, “We find each other,” she smiles.

A death sentence. The plan with the hawk. “Make us proud.” She puts some faith in Little Cato. 

“Why are you fighting me?” Gary has actually been following Quinn’s lead for a little bit, swooping in to save her when necessary, but listening to her plans and leading whenever he sees fit. He hadn’t straight up went against something she set out to do, and hadn’t even argued with her in a while. And here... there is SO much going on. Nobody says “I love you,” even though the conversation makes it clear. His struggle to both support her but also to save her. Her insistence to carry out this mission because she knows its her life work, but still knowing that most likely she won’t make it out of this. His vow to make sure that he helps her. And that kiss...

The kiss was like... Let’s just revisit it in the way that I have so many times.

She MIGHT have known that this was goodbye. We can only presume. Look at her sad look afterwards. She told Gary “Don’t die on me,” but whenever he tells her that he wants more when she gets back, she doesn’t say anything about coming back. She knows, scientifically, what she’s up against because of her equations and this, for real, for real, this time... for her... this is likely goodbye. She doesn’t know of any possible way that this ends up in some type of rescue for her. “It’s both of us. Always has been...” 

Losing Earth/Quinn’s Sacrifice Whenever she contacts him, her voice is so soft. Gary has just literally watched the Earth be taken. She has just watched the mission fail... She KNOWS what has happened in the past lives. She is already apologetic. She is apologizing to Gary. He expected her to come back. She knew better all along, and now she’s run out of time. Gary is more upset by her decision than what just happened to the Earth. It’s one of the most heartbreaking goodbyes...

“Which Way is Quinn?”: Gary sets us up for the ENTIRE MOOD of the next season with this line of questioning that he has. His body is ready to die, but he has this energy inside of him - call it thought processing, call it a soul, whatever - but Gary is determined not to die, because he has things worth living for, searching for, fighting for. His family. Which way is Little Cato? His son. Which way is Mooncake? His beloved... companion? I don’t like to think of Mooncake as a pet, but we know that technically he holds Avocato as his “best friend” so I can’t really call him that. Which way is Quinn? His soul mate... and with that... he comes back to and spends the rest of his time reuniting with them.

THIS WENT ON FOR SO LONG that I’ve decided to give it in parts. Seasons 2 and 3 will be separate from this post. After I’ve posted them, I will come back to include the link(s) to them here. 

Thank you for your time! I intended to have this posted for a friend’s birthday, but halted work on it for the months that I was without a laptop. Final Space is over, but Quinn and Gary are forever for me. 

#Quillective #Quinn Ergon #Quinnary #Quinn x Gary #Final Space #ships #Quinnary Moments #Quinn x Gary’s Journey Links & Commentary #long post #Quinn Ergon Commentary #otp #black female love interests #black female cartoon characters #This is one of the longest posts I have ever worked on #I have to split it up #This is Part 1 #Quinnary Moments Part 1 #BFCD Reviews by Nesha

[fancykraken]

I was tagged by @goatsandgangsters Thank you! 💕

1. Why did you choose your url?

When I first joined tumblr I used my LJ username but it didn’t feel right after a time so I switched to FancyKraken. I was sitting on the couch thinking what I could use (because all the urls I tried changing it to were taken), and a fancy kraken, complete with top hat and tea, just popped into my head without any prompting. So here we are.

2. Any side blogs?

Yes, I have @frost-iron, @mythicalnorseassholes, @littlemeyer, @gingerbunnie, a music blog (where I reblog music/fanmixes I like), and another personal side blog that I use for reblogging not safe work work stuff, aesthetics, and whatever else that may be of interest that I don’t want to annoy people with here. Plus I know I have people under 18 following me on this tumblr.

Out of all the blogs frost-iron and littlemeyer are the only ones that get used regularly.

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

January 2010

4. Do you have a queue tag?

Pikaqueue

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

People on LiveJournal were talking about it so like any good hive minded individual I checked it out and signed up.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Because he’s an asshole, makes me angry, he’s my terrible fave, and he bleps a lot. So naturally he had to be my icon.

7. Why did you choose your header?

Because the fat kitty with balloons amuse me. 

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

I don’t have the link to the post, but it’s a gifset of Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston from the Thor: The Dark World world press tour. Somehow it got up to over 100k notes.

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I dunno how to find that out.

10. How many followers do you have?

7,924 (although I’m sure a good 90% or more are inactive)

11. How many people do you follow?

551 (but most are inactive now and I’m too lazy to go through them all and unfollow)

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

I am pretty sure I have even though no specific post comes to mind.

13. How often do you use tumblr a day?

Oh at least 2-3 times. When/if I post gifs in the morning, and/or I check on my lunch break and after work. Sometime’s in bed before I go to sleep.

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

I mean I guess I have. I haven’t really had any all out fight with another blog, just disagreements etc. 

15. How do you feel about the ‘you need to reblog’ posts?

Hate them even if they’re something that is important and with good information. If you add that then I will not reblog them. 

16. Do you like tag games?

I do! Even if I forget to complete them I still appreciate being thought of.

17. Do you like ask games?

I do when I’m in the mood and people actually send me an ask. 😂

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

Uhmmmm... I mean I don’t think I have any the are “tumblr” famous, but I do have several that are more well known in their specific fandom spaces.

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

I did but they’re it’s very rare they post anymore. I do have several big platonic crushes, though, and would def hold hands with them if asked.

20. Tags!

This is long, so there’s zero pressure to do any of this: @portiaadams, @septembersghost, @scorpling, @saltydorkling, @pohjanneito, @mcudaredevil, @crewman-penelope, @skeletordidntdieforthis, and anyone else who wants to do this. 

#The Tumblr Files #The Meme files #tag games #tumblr #about me

[xinyuehui]

Gifmaker Appreciation Tag

rules: answer the first half of the questions with gifsets of your own, then answer the second half by tagging gif makers you love!

tagged by @storge thank you for tagging me, honestly I've only started to make gifs very recently and still have no clue what I'm doing

LINK A GIFSET…

Link a gifset you’re really proud of: Qi Hun the first gifs I ever made was for Qi Hun and at that time I legit just cropped the clips and made them into gifs, didn't colour, didn't do anything to it, so now I that I'm slightly better I made this set for my Go boys ⚫⚪

Link a gifset where you tried something new: Word of Honor + lyrics (2) this is the set that started my lyrics edits, I was like huh those cool text gifs everyone make is nice, let me try make one

Link a gifset that features your favorite character or celebrity: Ha perfect I have parallel gifs sets that features multiple faves (1) Ah Xu + Ah Qi (2) Hualian + Wenzhou (3) Plum Blossom Thirteen (I haven't made any kpop gifs surprisingly considering how many biases I have)

Link a gifset that you want more people to see: Garden of Words I just started to make anime gifs these days, I'm still trying to figure out how to colour stuff but yeah this one I thought is pretty neat

Link a gifset that you had fun making: I genuinely have fun making all the ones I've posted, the ones that do not spark joy never see the day of light lol but SHL concert ones definitely brings a lot of fun ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ

Link a gifset that you created as part of a meme, challenge, or series: unfortunately this catagory is bare bc I haven't made that many gifs does the 姐姐们给个姬会吧！！(tn: jiejies give me a chance) count? It's a tag specifically for my SHL girls

Link a gifset of yours that makes you smile: Cao Weining & Gu Xiang wedding I still emo and happy over this, My brand new shiny Ship ShiGuang (2nd ship after Shi Guang and Yu Liang to have something to do with time, coincidence? I think not!)

Link a gifset that you made for someone else: oh sadly this category is blank because I'm terrible (if anyone have requests I will do it!!)

TAG SOMEONE WHO…

Tag someone who inspired you to start making gifs: Everyone!!! Y'all make such nice gifs, but I started to make gifs after seeing @hawopro @storge @movielosophy Qi Hun gifs!! (hng fandom is so dead that I had to start making gifs myself, I never really made gifs before bc the kpop, anime etc stuff I like there's someone else providing the content)

Tag someone who makes great vibrant gifs: @zhouszishu asdfghjkl I can not begin how vibrant and smooth your gifs are, some cdramas have crusty af filters but I know your gifs will always be the colours I wished the dramas have

Tag someone who makes great pale/pastel gifs: I reblog a few here and there but can not think of a name off the top of my head.

Tag someone who gifs for a fandom you love: Alrighto Word of Honor is getting another mention on this post ahahah but also other fandoms as well @minmoyu @linglynz @green-ajah @surii @theghostvalley @his-catness-tchalla @sugardaddyahxu @sugarbabywenkexing @dramalordess @tanjianci @xie-wang

Tag someone who uses text/typography really well in their gifset: @leonzhng Hanyi I don't need to say anymore, your typography is S tier in my book

Tag someone who motivates you to step up your game: EVERYONE y'all are amazing （づ￣3￣）づ╭❤～

Tag someone who you have taken inspiration from: Same as above, inspiration comes from everywhere and everyone!!

Tag gif makers who you admire and appreciate! (Put as many people here as you want!): Again Everyone!!! I've been on tumblr for a long time and what made me stay is everyone's beautiful work. This is not really a tag but shout out to @/femaleidols like omg the members and non-members, y'all post amazing gifs (sadly I could not think of kpop and anime gif makers off the top of my head, I've fallen a bit behind on these fandoms but they will always live in my heart since it's my first love)

Sorry if I missed anyone out, but do remember I love you all, gif makers, writers, artists, content creators (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

#tag #ive looked around and i see some of you were already tagged in this if youve done it you can skip it i just wanted to tell #you all how cool youre keep it up!!! #oh yeah some of my sets you can't see on desktop my theme is fucked for some reason and i havent fixed it (still) #ive only started to make gifs a bit more since shl and playing around with anime gifs as well #unfortunately i think i will be back to 难产(constipation) for a while ive got a new job and it kills me looking at the laptop after work

[sunsetcurve]

so...the last year has been rough. for everyone. but i’ve been lucky in a lot of ways, especially with the people in my life, and i wanted to take a second to thank some people on here. because genuinely, you guys mean so freaking much to me. i’ve had a lot of online friends in my life but none that feel so much like family. these are the people who have carried me through the last year, who’ve made me feel seen and heard and supported me in all my endeavors and just been wonderful to me all around. i love you guys, and happy new year <3

i’m about to get into it now. and i’ll try not to cry too much along the way.

@neshatriumphs​ nesha, when i say that you’re our fandom mom i mean that you’re my family, i mean that you’re my biggest supporter, my inspiration, my rock, the person who makes me want to be my best self, all the time. i can’t explain to you what your support has meant to me over the years. whether it’s leaving me incredibly kind notes on my fics that make me want to write more just for you, or sending me asks when you know i’m feeling down, or just making me laugh with your hilarious takes, you have always, always been there for me. you’re the toughest person i know and you make me want to keep pushing every day. you’re so incredibly talented; your ideas are just always stunning and inspired and despite being humble about it you’re amazing at everything you do. your art, your writing, your aesthetics, all of it. loeg and share-a-lair were just spectacular and such a show of how complex and original and smart your writing is. barring just your talent you’re also an inspiration in how passionate and kind and dedicated you are. you care for others everywhere you go. you come on here and constantly make me want to be a better person. it’s not just me, either—you’ve taken on the role of helping all of us in any way you can, and you just make us feel loved and supported and give us someone to always look up to. i love you. plain and simple, you’re my family, and i’m so, so grateful to have you in my life.

@juliesdahlias​ you know when you meet someone younger than you and you’re like how do they have this much talent in their body? and you can’t even be mad about it because you just want to root for them and you want good things for them and you think of them like a little sibling? that’s me around you all. the freaking. time. pearl, i’m constantly blown away by how smart and driven and passionate you are. you have so much talent to offer the world and i love seeing you thrive more than anything. you inspire me every freaking day; i mean, your tiara thief drabbles literally made me pull my fic out of my drafts for the first time in months. every time you post it’s something iconic and beautiful, whether its your fics or your edits or your headcanons. and not just that, but you’re so incredibly supportive of everything i put out there. like with ths, the way you latched on to it and are one of our biggest fans and made content for it literally as soon as we started!! that was amazing!! you’re just such an incredible person in every sense of the word; you’re talented and hilarious and kind and passionate and i love you so so much. i cannot wait to watch you do amazing things because i know you’re gonna be one of the greats. ily. 

@ciara-knightly i can’t even put this into words. i’m sitting here trying to say it right and every time i start i just turn into “!!!!!!!!” cause i love you so much. i know i’ve said this before, but shona, you’re honestly like my older sister. this whole year of just, really getting to talk to you beyond tumblr has shown me how honestly kind, passionate, smart, and supportive you are. talking to you is one of my favorite things in the world, whether it’s rambling about tiara thief, or discussing feminism in media, or just getting life advice. you always know what to say to lead me in the right direction and reassure me that things are gonna be okay. i look up to you more than i can tell you; i’m constantly inspired by your talent and your drive. you’re endlessly supportive and you make me laugh all the time, and i hold literally every convo we have close to my chest because it means so much to me to just be able to have them with you. i’ll never be over the fact that you basically discovered jatp, or us talking and making predictions for weeks before it aired, or us plotting out the whole dystopia novel together—which, even though it didn’t really pan out, was such an amazing experience because i got to do it with you. and i absolutely scroll back through our convos on a regular basis to scream over our tiara thief headcanons. everything i’ve done with you has been incredibly fun and meaningful, so what i’m trying to say in this very long winded way is that i’m so, so glad i know you, and i can never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. 

@bitchmilsky lizzie, i literally think of you like you’re my little sibling. my weird, crazy, hilarious, incredibly kind and supportive and creative and amazing little sibling. ever since i met you you’ve been nothing but fun and friendly and wonderful to me. your posts never fail to make me laugh and i love seeing whatever you’re up to, even if it’s video games that i understand nothing about. you have so many fun ideas and you’re so freely yourself, it’s honestly inspiring. the things you make are always adorable and every time we go live together and chat i always have so much fun, and talking and i just want to meet you in person so badly because i know we’d be an amazing, unstoppable duo and that you’d make me laugh until my sides hurt. i’m still waiting on that cross-country road trip. we could roll the windows down and belt our way through the entire hd musical soundtrack, and it would be epic. for real, though, you’re one of my favorite people ever, and i hope this year brings you nothing but fun and good things because that’s what you deserve. i’m sending you a million virtual hugs and also booty shorts that say poggers on the ass. i love you <3

@zackmartn i know i’m gonna start crying right now because i love you so much and i’m trying not to because i just did my makeup but dammit, nikki, i just love you so much. i remember when i first came on here and was afraid to talk to you because i was like “ohmygod she’s so cool she’s the king of this fandom she’s amazing” but i thank god that you reached out to me every day. i honestly can’t imagine my life without you; you’ve been such a presence in it for so long that you’re inseparable from it. even the times i’ve gone on hiatus i’ve been stalking your blog from a distance like “i just wanna know what she’s up to...”. you’re honestly like an older sister to me and you’re one of the people i admire the most; you’ve been through and continue to go through so much and yet every day you come on here and decide to be a freaking light to all of us, to make me smile, to support me literally endlessly. like, the amount of times you’ve driven me to near tears from your reviews of my writing is ridiculous. the freaking umana fan club?? the way ths is one of your top tags??? it’s just...insane and such a show of how boundless your support is. and that’s not even getting into how freaking talented you are!!! i stare at your gifsets all the time!! and your fics like....holy shit you literally created this whole universe that i’m so freaking invested in and is better than literally anything that canon could ever do, and i know i’m honestly terrible at responding to messages but i hope you know you never have to start holding back with me. most of the time when i get stuff you send i have to sit there and get my thoughts together and that takes forever, but i love love love reading it anyway. the way you get excited about the things you love is everything, it’s something that i really really love about you, and i hope you continue to keep that passion and love for everything. and i hope that this year brings you nothing but good things, because you deserve that more than anyone. i love you. 

@willexs eliza, babe, i know we joke all the time that we were put on opposite sides of the ocean because we’d be too powerful if we were together but i really think it’s true. imagine us meeting. the universe just wouldn’t be able to handle it; it would implode. listen, you’re literally like my twin, my other half. we have so much in common that it’s honestly ridiculous. we operate on the same brainwave, and every time we talk i’m blown away by how easy it is and i honestly love it so much because i could not have picked a more talented and creative and fun person to work with. writing ths with you has literally been like...one of my favorite writing experiences ever. i can’t believe that it started on such a whim because it’s such an important part of my life now and getting to have you next to me while we figure this whole thing out is honestly the best part. it’s not just all the characters and dynamics we’ve created, it’s the fact that i can send you incoherent ramblings at ungodly hours and you’ll pick them apart, it’s the 3-hour phone calls to make playlists, it’s you always making me feel heard and inspiring me. it’s this like...excitement of building towards something amazing with someone i love. you understand me on this crazy and fundamental level, and sometimes it blows my mind how similar we are and how well you know me without us having even met. i feel like we’re the embodiment of “nobody gets me like you”. and i know i’ve said this before, but i really do think you make me a better writer. i love how you make me laugh, i love that you always have the best takes and i love how talented you are with your incredible adorable art and your fics and your gorgeous edits and i love that we egg each other on and hype each other up. i love that, despite being on opposite sides of the ocean, we’re still best friends. and i love you <3

​@cactus-con lou!!!!!! i literally just...ahh i love you so much!! i know i’ve said this before but you were the first person i talked to in this fandom, and you made me feel so freaking welcome. and that has never changed. talking to you is so easy and natural, and you make me feel loved and heard all the time. i love getting to share stuff with you because you always always always hype me up. not just that but like...your talent?? literally unmatched!!! you’re amazing at everything you do it’s ridiculous. i love love love all your artwork, i could stare at it literally all day. you have so much talent and i literally cannot wait to watch you do such great things with it. i just...you’re such a wonderful person to everyone around you. you spread all this love and support and kindness and i think you’re one of the most genuine people i know and i’m so so glad i know you. i hope this year treats you so well because you deserve nothing but good things. i love you. <3

@owenjoyners where do i even start?? brooke, you’re like my other twin. i know i’ve said this before but it’s literally insane to me that we’ve known each other for less than a year because it feels like i’ve known you my whole life. you are such an incredible freaking person. you’re funny and you’re kind and you’re talented and you make me smile every damn day. i love getting post notifs from you because i swear to god i light up every time. your gifsets are always gorgeous, and i’ve watched you learn and improve and you’ve gotten so good, it makes me so happy every time. your art??? you say you’re just starting out but i can’t even tell you how much i love it. your fics!!! you’re good at everything and it’s honestly ridiculous. and it’s not even about your consistently amazing posts, i also just...i love talking to you more than anything, even if we’re just simping over owen together. you make me laugh all the time and you always hype me up; you’ve let me ramble about my fics and helped me get my ideas together, you’ve talked stupid life stuff like school and college with me, and you’ve given me someone to go to whenever i need it. i think of you as one of my best friends and i can’t get over how fast we clicked or how easy it is to talk to you. i need you to come visit me so i can give you so many hugs and we can have a sleepover and talk for literally hours on end. in the meantime, we need to call again sometime because that was honestly so much fun. i love you with all my heart. 

and some people i want to say thank you to, because even though we don’t talk as often as i’d like you’re still amazing, and you make me smile all the time, and i love seeing you on my dash or in my notes: @taylorswiftrulestheworld @onplanetmars @dr-rigatoni @swellviews-finest @symphonic-concert @molinasmercer

#nikki tag! 💛 #lizzie tag! 💜 #nobody gets me like you tag ❣️ #nesha tag! 💟 #brooke tag! 💙 #lou tag! 💚 #shona tag! 🌟 #heather tag! #otter tag! #jamie tag! #k tag! #faith tag! #monisha tag! #pearl tag! 💖

[djs-random-blog]

What motorbike leathers can and can’t do:

(I’m so sorry this took me so long I got caught up in tech stuff but it’s here now. It’s nowhere near as long as my last one but I kind of ran out of things to say 😅)

 There was a gifset knocking around on my dash a while back of some MotoGP crashes, one in particular of a rider sliding on his arse at God knows what speed, who still had the time to throw his hands up in frustration. A couple of other users said something along the lines of, “How good are those suits if this is only a minor inconvenience to him?” and I am incredibly fun at parties so I thought I’d chip in with my two cents. Something to take into account is I am not a professional. I have, however, grown up around motorbike racing and I watch and analyse a lot of crash footage (which apparently isn’t normal or healthy, who knew).

First of all, leathers are incredibly good to use when a rider is sliding. They protect against the worst of friction burns (obviously on tarmac at high speeds, they can’t prevent it entirely) so to find yourself sliding along a track really fucking fast after a crash is actually the best case scenario for the rider a lot of the time. The gloves are also incredibly versatile, and a lot of modern ones actually have plastic bits in the palms to do the same job as knee sliders for the rider. I’m bringing this up because we have a pair of my dad’s gloves that have been completely worn out on one palm (they were an old spec so no plastic, only leather padding) because he’d used them to kind of steer himself away from the curb (he mainly raced on street tracks) as he slid. He did end up with quite a nasty hole in his hand, but he probably saved his legs so that counts as a win for a motorbike rider.

However, leathers are not incredibly good for when a rider is rolling, and bouncing off the ground at high speeds. That’s the difference between safety measures in racecars versus safety measures in racebikes. You can prevent a driver from being on the outside of the vehicle, but there isn’t an inside of a motorbike to keep a rider in. So when a rider is rolling (which is far too peaceful of a word for the action I am describing, think more like, moving horizontally incredibly fast and being repeatedly bounced off the ground as you do so) there is only so much padding you can give them. As a result, broken collarbones are incredibly common, as well as arm injuries from not tucking your arms into your body as you roll. I believe Marc Marquez dislocated his shoulder because he landed on his arm slightly wrong as he was rolling (I don’t follow MotoGP I just see the highlights on Instagram so forgive me if I’m wrong.) But what leathers can help with when you’re rolling, is making sure your body doesn’t twist the wrong way. The rider’s legs, arms and torso are incredibly reinforced to prevent really bad bending from happening. Ever wondered why motorbike racers walk like weird cowboys in their leathers? Or why they usually need someone to pull their sleeves off for them when they want to get undressed? These bad boys are incredibly tight; moving in them is not easy, especially if you’re trying to move in a way the human body is not designed to. They prevent your limbs from moving in the wrong direction, whilst also letting them move in the way they need to with strategically placed joints (in the elbows, knees etc.) Ergo, it’s actually really hard to badly injure yourself by having your limbs or other parts of you bent the wrong way when you crash a motorbike. This is also why it’s incredibly important that you don’t race in leathers that are too big for you. Your body would be able to bend and stretch in ways it really shouldn’t when you crash.

The third kind of crash as far as a motorbike rider is confirmed, is a crash with one, very big impact. These are the most deadly, as there isn’t any way to protect a rider from this. There are no crumple zones, no seatbelts, no roll-bars. If there isn’t any run off for the rider to slow down gradually via friction, the rider hits something very hard and if they’re lucky escape with their lives. This usually happens on street tracks like the Isle of Man mountain circuit rather than MotoGP tracks, and the riders are hitting lamp-posts, people’s brick garden walls, trees, sheep fences and Heaven knows what else. This is why some (okay, actually a lot of) road racing riders look down on MotoGP riders. MotoGP tracks have run off and gravel traps and in their eyes, it’s a completely different sport where you can get away with a crash. You just can’t let yourself crash at the Isle of Man, and when you do, you count your lucky stars if you survive it.

We see the difference between the sliding crash and the rolling crash very easily in the crash at the Styrian GP a couple of weeks ago (months now I guess, Jesus Christ time flies when you’re procrastinating). The overtaking rider goes down on the grass, slides along a bit, and then gets up and runs over to the marshalls. The overtaken rider ends up in the gravel trap, and as the gravel creates mounds where his body pushes it, he gets sent into a roll. Though the second rider was alright (again, I don’t know names) he did not stand up and run over to the marshalls because he was in no fit state to do so. Even if he didn’t break anything in the end, rolling so quickly is going to disorientate a rider.

So that’s just a little something about motorbike crashes (I’m very passionate and I have no one IRL to talk about these things to). Most of this was taken from my own experience growing up around motorbikes and experiencing the aftermath of crashes; from holding my dad’s hand as he got his elbow stitched up to attending his funeral, but a lot of what I found was just from googling so I encourage you to do some research yourself if I didn’t explain something well enough.

Aight, let’s see if I can remember who liked my teaser post for this (took me a while because the tagging system on this website is wack but here we are): @myimaginarywonderland​ @bubbling-wanderlust​ @justamirrorball​ @mcrmarvelloki​

I have a whole bunch more idea for these but I won’t get round to writing any of them quickly (partially because I’m busy, partially because I have terrible time management and love to procrastinate) but if anyone is really interested in reading more of my writing let me know. (Also please read my post about Chicane’s in Formula E if you think that would interest you 😊)

#DJ writes #DJ's Random Blog #motogp #motorbike safety #I'm not as proud of this one as I am of my last one but I guess it should be the pinned post because it's the most recent? #idk

[remus-lupin-is-my-type]

Where have I been? (a post for anyone who might still care lol)

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve taken a looooong hiatus from cosplay, but I’ve also taken a general hiatus from this blog as well. I wanted to take the time to explain some of the reasons why. Explanation below the cut.

1. Toxicity

I’ve had this blog for many, many years. It’s always been My Thing to follow back everyone. But in doing so, I’ve accidentally created a pretty decently toxic environment for myself on my own dash? It seems that wherever I scroll, there are people arguing, constant reminders of how terrible the world and society are, and people shaming other people for things they like. My once-fun dashboard of fandom and all things queer, has just become not quite fun anymore? Social justice issues are really important to me, deeply important, but constant reminders about how terrible the world is can really bring me down (particularly in these already troubling times). I know that running from it is a particularly privileged thing to be able to do (I may be pan, but I’m still white and cis), but sometimes I just gotta put myself and my own mental health first. One day I’m hoping to try to take back control of my blog and do some much needed purging, but it’s going to be a monumental task after so many years. But I really do miss reblogging fandom things. I’ve made a completely separate blog for all things Aesthetic that do nothing but make me happy—essentially creating my own little safe space. It’s been a great non-pressure, anonymous way to just de-stress, but I do miss mucking around in fandom nonsense. BUT this also brings me to another reason...

2. Supernatural and The Destiel Debacle

*spoilers ahead for the final season of SPN* That final scene with Cas absolutely destroyed me. I’m a few seasons behind, but when I woke up one morning and Destiel was trending everywhere, of course I looked up and watched the video. And guys. I SOBBED. Not just a few tears, full on WEPT for at least an hour. I was so heartbroken, not just because a beloved character died, but of how he died. The fact that Cas told Dean everything I’ve always wanted him to, but in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE, only for him to promptly die without Dean even saying anything. I just couldn’t deal. I was Properly Depressed for several days after that, and I still sometimes think about it and get really sad. I could have forgiven this, had they put Cas in the finale, gave you hope that maybe he and Dean could be something in Heaven, together, but no. Of course not. The whole thing genuinely put such a bad taste in my mouth for all fandom and network television in general. Also, it hurt me to see people actually calling this a WIN. I’m not here to take away anything from anyone—if you loved it, that’s great and I’m happy for you. But GUYS. It was CRUMBS. Is it great that Cas is a confirmed queer character? Sure, but they killed him the second his confession was over. Rowan Ellis did a great YouTube video about the whole thing, and I highly suggest you watch it, it really put things in perspective for me. The fact is, they had TWELVE YEARS to give you this, and they didn’t. It’s like Marvel expecting us to be singing their praises cuz a Russo brother mentioned a boyfriend, a few minutes out of their ENTIRE MOVIE FRANCHISE. Anyway, I was so disheartened I didn’t want to participate in fandom whatsoever. (Luckily, I’ve recently fallen in love with Black Sails—also thanks to Rowan Ellis—and its amazing writing, characters, story, and queer representation helped give me hope again).

3. Self-image 

This more directly relates to cosplay. I gained weight again, and my motivation to cosplay dropped significantly. Suddenly there just didn’t seem a point to getting into all the makeup and putting in the effort if I wasn’t going to like what I saw on the webcam. Luckily, I’ve recently read a FANTASTIC book called “What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat” by Aubrey Gordon, and it was honestly life-changing. It forced me to completely reframe how I think about myself and society, and I’ve actively been making an effort to feel better and unashamed in my own skin, and it’s been going well! I’ve stopped planning my entire life and happiness and worth around whatever number I wanted the scales to reflect. But, that being said, cosplay is still a struggle for me. Though I’m generally more accepting of myself now, I still find it difficult to play my favourite characters, almost all of which are attractive males. I’m admittedly hard on myself about it, my subconscious constantly telling me that I’m not androgynous enough or sexy enough to play these characters. Of course you don’t have to be these things to cosplay, I’m a huge advocate that ANYONE can cosplay WHOEVER they want, but this is what I, personally, am going through. One step at a time, as they say!

And that’s about it. I’m not sure when I’ll be back, and I make no promises. But maybe I’ll pop in to post a gay gifset or two sometime :) I’ve also been pondering TikTok a lot, so who knows, maybe that’ll be a thing in the future. This explanation was as much for my benefit as to those reading—it feels good to get this stuff off my chest and I hope you understand. Love you all so, so much and I hope you’re all getting nothing but the best out of this hell site lol ❤️

Stay safe and stay happy, Nicki xo

#personal #hp rp community

[tfw-needs-baby]

sam winchester | internet personas

based on my own experience. 

read on ao3? 

Sam Winchester and his brother stumbled upon fanfiction and the fandom a while ago. He swore to himself that he would never, ever go back and visit the crazy people that existed there. 

Well, sitting in his room in the bunker, he was bored and had nothing much to do because the supernatural had been pretty quiet for the past month or so and he was scrolling aimlessly through new articles and finding nothing. He doesn’t know how or why the idea popped into his head, but it came and he was curious at the time, so why not? 

‘Best places to’ Nope, delete that. 

‘Where to join a fandom’ Delete that too. That just sounded stupid. 

‘Fandom friendly sites.’ Yeah, that sounded about right. He clicked onto the first link, and it immediately brought him to a site called ‘Fandom.’ 

How ironic. Although it didn’t exactly help him much, it was just an explanation guide to their platform and what it had to offer. The rest of the links weren’t much help either, and he sighed. Alright, how to find the fans...wasn’t there something called livejournal? 

According to a couple of articles, old and inactive journals had been purged, but were still doing pretty well. And then, the Winchester searched up ‘best places to read fanfiction.’ 

A couple of suggestions appeared underneath ‘Popular on the web.’ 

‘Wattpad - tumblr - kindle words - deviantart - archive of our own - asianfanfics’ 

Huh. Visiting a couple of sites, Wattpad and Fanfiction.net and Archive Of Our Own popped up frequently, so he decided to visit Wattpad first. He went to browse works and choose fanfiction, and it brought him to a selection of hot and trendy stories with millions of views on them. Woah. It ranged from k-pop to a selection of animes to CBS shows and weird crossovers. The ‘x reader’ tag seemed very popular and he shivered, reminding him of Becky. 

Signing up wasn’t hard either. It had only taken him a couple of minutes. But when he was reading a selected few from the hot section, they didn’t exactly grab his attention. A lot of them seemed to be written by younger ten to fifteen year olds. They did have a large amount of potential and amazing storylines, he’ll give them that. 

Then he wandered over to Fanfiction.net. The sign up process was easy, but the site was a bit more historical and a bit more him. There were multiple forums, and he scrolled down and viewed a couple of them. Oh. They were similar to roleplay, but just - more building along a storyline with it, if that made any sense. The sign up was pretty easy here too, and he smiled as two notifications popped up in his gmail for both sites. 

Backtracking now, he went off to ‘archive of our own,’ nicknamed ‘ao3’ for short and a paragraph popped up and he skimmed through it quickly. It was just a warning that everything could be viewed by whoever and whatnot. The writing here definitely seems way more advanced, way more complex and interesting, with canon divergences going all out and unheard au’s. And the cliche plots we’re simply adorable. 

He went over to sign up, and raised an eyebrow when it stated that you needed to get an invitation, and all you had to do was enter in an email. And wait a day for an invitation. 

Hopping onto tumblr, he made an account quickly and started scrolling through it, and everything seemed different somehow. Like, more modern day than the last time he came to the page. The fandom had definitely become smaller due to a ‘nsfw ban’ and he couldn’t decide whether that was a good or bad thing. They had gifsets of memories that had happened about three years ago, with their final stand against Chuck, and he smiled as he went through year’s old blogs that never updated anymore, reblogging everything ‘Supernatural’ underneath the username ‘babytrenchcoatnougat’ and he started to tear up when he stumbled upon a post where they had created a small art of playing the rainbow slinky with Dean based on a gifset of a memory. He still remembers how happy Dean had been when he got it just for him, he played with it for the next week. 

A couple of week’s later, Sam want’s to do more than reblog and comment on content. Sam does have artistic potential, and he could definitely look into that. Although, writing seems easier at the moment, and he scrolls through an endless amount of fanfiction on archive of our own - ranging from major character death to general fanfiction - from his brother and best friend sleeping together to him turning into the boyking to high school universes to Apocalyptic worlds where they have failed.

He wants to write his own world, where they’re all happy and care-free and able to actually live happily, where no one he’s loved has died. Making a post on tumblr he states: By any chance, is there anyone on this platform that can help me with a non-romantic general Supernatural fanfiction?

He places a couple of normal tags that fit into the category, then presses post. About an hour later, he gets a reblog from someone called @ misha-moose-dean-burger-lover [and wow, that sounds like a handful] offering to help. 

I’m available if you need me to, @ babytrenchcoatnougat ; what’s the plot? We can discuss more in DM’s if you’d like! Besides, I’m free for the week, but if you need a beta reader I can offer a couple of people that I know. 

Sam sends her a message. 

babytrenchcoatnougat: can you give me some advice or writing tips if you have any? i'm not looking to make any implied romantic pairings in the fic

misha-moose-dean-burger-lover: well, that depends, what’s the fic going to be about? 

babytrenchcoatnougat: i don't know yet, maybe team free will 2.0 just taking a roadtrip to nowhere without a destination in sight after defeating chuck?

misha-moose-dean-burger-lover: eeeeee

misha-moose-dean-burger-lover: that sounds like a awesome idea misha-moose-dean-burger-lover: you're definitely going to want to have specific destinations in mind, and only a hint of angst, and what they’re going to do at these locations 

misha-moose-dean-burger-lover: use transition words and make sure it doesn’t repeat often, descriptive details but don’t use it in every scene, and make sure there are frequent movements in the characters so they don’t sound so stiff, and make sure to slowly transition into the next scene, as time skipping to every scene will make the story seem boring. misha-moose-dean-burger-lover: make sure the characters aren’t ooc either! 

And so, Sam writes. He writes until his eyes hurt and he definitely needs some sleep, so he sends a quick message to a beta to read it over for him and they do, gushing about how the plot was wonderful and badly needed after all the terrible angst that occurred this season. He smiles, giving his thanks before uploading the first chapter out of 15, 13k words, onto ao3. 

[He checks over the grammar and tags over fifteen times.]

He can hardly contain his excitement, jumping around happily all day, even baking Dean a pie which makes him get sprayed with holy water and go through every test just to make sure he isn’t some supernatural creature. 

Later that afternoon, he checks his ao3 underneath the same username and finds out it’s gotten about 150 hits, and 38 kudos, which makes his heart swell. He’s also gotten a comment, and he presses comments eagerly. 

‘Kill yourself, psycho virgin fag.’ 

He re-reads the comment a couple of times, eyes tearing up and dropping his phone onto the kitchen table recklessly. What the fuck. Was his story really that bad? Did those people who didn’t leave a kudo really hate his story that much? Did the fans think his story was too child-like? Badly written? OOC? Do they really hate him that bad that he actually should commit- 

Sam breaks down right then and there, pushing his computer aside, placing his head down and crying softly. Castiel and Dean don’t find him until an hour later, and he’s still softly crying. They rush over to him, Dean quickly sitting to the right while Castiel sits to the left. “Sammy? What happened?” Dean asks, and the younger Winchester shakes his head. 

“N’thing.” He mumbles, and the older Winchester sighs. He’s just being stubborn, when he doesn’t want other people to worry about him, afraid that he’ll give them his problems. “Sam, please, if you talk to us, then we may fix the problem together. Remember, we made that promise two years ago, to be more open with each other.” The former-angel now archangel says, pushing Sam’s hair out of his face. Sam takes a shaky breath, pushing himself off the desk and grabs the laptop, opening it up to the recent fanfiction he had written, and Castiel and Dean both skim through it before Dean snatches the laptop. “Is this a fanfiction?” He looks at him as if he’s crazy, and Sam slowly shakes his head in agreement. Castiel walks over to Dean, both of them reading the first chapter silently, and everytime he glances over to see their reactions it seems unchanged. His brother probably thinks he’s weird, and Castiel is going to find him crazy-

“Damn, Sammy, you’ve got talent.” Dean says, and he actually sounds impressed. “W- what?” 

“That is incredibly written and a wonderful idea, I think we should go on a roadtrip ourselves,” Dean nodded in agreement. “Is this why you’re crying? I think this is perfect.” 

“Wait - you two do find it weird or anything?” 

Castiel and Dean look confused. “Why would you think that Sammy? I like it.” 

“You should uh - read the comment.” He says, and it takes the angel and older hunter a moment to find the comment section at the bottom, Castiel pointing at the button. Their faces turn into pure fury. 

“I’m going to smite them.” Castiel all but growls out, and Dean shuts the laptop closed. “Don’t listen to ‘em, this is fucking amazing, got it? I want the second chapter. Don’t listen to what anyone else says, they're probably jealous that we’ve got a New York bestseller writer and all they can do is write the abc’s.” Dean hugs his brother, Castiel immediately joining right in and Sam sighs happily. They stay there for a bit, muttering out a ‘thank you’ before jumping up slightly, seeing that he’s gotten two more comments on his fanfiction, and nervously opens up the comment section to see that a user called ‘quicksilvermalec’ writing on how much they enjoyed the fic and can’t wait to read the second chapter while an anonymous user has attacked the one that insulted him, throwing a whole truckload of insults and Castiel smiles. “They got what they deserved.” The archangel says, and Dean shouts ‘damn straight’ joyfully. “Would the two of you want to write fanfiction with me, then?” Sam asks while writing the second chapter about an hour later, and the unison ‘yes’ gives him a warm feeling in his chest. 

#sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #jack kline #archangel!castiel #ficlet #gen fic #genfic #supernatural #fluff #representation week

[sersi]

hey i love your blog and was just wondering - how do you deal with negativity toward characters you like? i block and blacklist but sometimes i can't stop myself from thinking of the hate.

Well, first off, it’s super nice to hear that someone enjoys my content 🥰!

Now, as for your actual question, there isn’t really a perfect way and I have certainly complained to friends about some of the shit I’ve had to see on here. I’ve also been in fandom a long time (in MCU fandom specifically since 2012 and SW fandom since before a lot of this site was even born 👵🏽) and, at this point, I’m able to have at least some level of fun in fandom by doing the following:

As tempting as it is, I really do try to just not interact with or see anti my faves content. I’m not perfect on this front and it can be very up and down, especially when certain takes get Popular in Fandom, but, (directly) fighting over this stuff is, for me at least, very rarely worth it and people are often so deeply set in their opinions that you’re unlikely to make them change their minds. (I say directly fighting because I am not above salty gifsets).

In order to do this, I blacklist as extensively as possible so that one, when I’m just going down my dash, I (hopefully) don’t have to see content I don’t like and two, so that I can check the general tags (edit tags, ship tags, etc.) without immediately losing my mind. I also block extensively, although some of this is driven by the fact that, as a content creator, my posts can travel pretty far outside my little corner of fandom. It’s taken a long time and a truly impressive number of blocked accounts, but I have gotten to the point where I can post a Steve or Steggy set without immediately having people hop into the notes to talk about how Steve is a terrible person or how certain other ships are Better 🙄🔪. (They still show up sometimes, but it’s not as fast or as constant as it used to be).

As part of keeping my dash moderately enjoyable, I’m also fairly selective who I follow and do a decent amount of tag research before I follow anyone new. This is because my dash, at a certain, maybe Civil War related, time, was Very, Very Bad. And because I didn’t realize at the time that the only way things were going to get better was unfollowing a lot of people, it ended up ruining certain things for me and, had I not eventually realized what was going on and the Only Way to Solve it (Unfollowing People), it would’ve ended up ruining some other things too. Unfollowing isn’t exactly easy for me now (I get attached to the people I follow!), but, I’ve sort of reached point where, if you are consistently having a negative impact on my dash/fandom experience and you’ve not tagging that content in a way that I can blacklist it, I’ll almost certainly end up unfollowing you 🤷🏽‍♀️.

And finally, FRIENDS. Having friends you can talk to about your frustrations with fandom helps a ton, especially because they can often help distract you/get you out of those hate fixation moments. I know this is the hardest thing because making friends can take time and not everyone is gonna have a buddy in every fandom, but, when you can make those friendships, there really is nothing better for managing to have a good time despite the bullshit.

#fandom is a lot but it is in fact possible to have a good time some of the time #sorry i wrote a novel 🙈 #elysia's inbox #anon

[ober-affen-geil]

Alright, @rawandmessyandbeautiful just made this absolutely amazing gifset and I just need to say I love your work and your commentary is always so insightful it murders me. But you said something at the bottom of this one that I wanted to expand on and I didn’t want to take over your post; please don’t take this as a callout. That is not at all my intention.

It’s just that you said you didn’t like Max in this scene, and added this: “We know Max loves Michael, let’s show it better @ writers, please and thanks.“ And this is a completely valid and understandable way to read the scene, I just saw it a little differently. (All gifs in this post are taken from the, again, freaking phenomenal original set.)

The first thing I want to point to is this

which is Max reacting to Michael saying “No, but thank you. I’m not gonna let you martyr yourself.” To me, this look says “Wh-where are you going with thi-oh you gotta be kidding me who the fuck are you calling a martyr I KNOW YOU MICHAEL.” Max knows that Michael hides his pain from them. He makes that very clear in 1x11 when they are trapped in the bunker together. More importantly, he knows what Michael did for Isobel 10 years ago. And Max is calling bullshit.

Then we have this

which is when Michael says “I got nothing besides some old scrap metal.” This is a big “Ouch man, wtf we are sitting right goddamn here.” Again I point to the bunker scenes in 1x11. Max has not had the opportunity to get it into Michael’s head that he is loved and wanted and cared for by him and Isobel. This may be the beginning of Max realizing exactly how far Michael has taken his self-hatred in his isolation and deciding to do something about that, but for right now it’s him fully absorbing the fact that Michael actually thinks he doesn’t have anyone in his corner.

This is where it starts getting into it. We have this look

when Michael says “There is no point in all three of us going down when only one of us did the deed.” Max has finally caught on to where Michael is going with this, but he doesn’t quite want to believe it yet. This look, to me, says “Oh no. No you are not doing what I think you’re doing.” 

Which leads directly into this

when Michael says “Liz Ortecho’s looking for a murderer. Let’s give her one.” This is Max saying “Ho, don’t you fucking do it.”  Because he knows Michael. He knows what he did 10 years ago, unprompted. He’s seen him throw himself on this grenade before and he doesn’t want to watch him do it again but he can’t say anything because Isobel is right there. Calling Michael out right now is not possible if they want to keep Isobel sheltered from the truth.

So we get the pat instead.

And you’re right. This is lame. It’s nowhere near the reaction that Max, who knows the truth, should be having but again Isobel is there. Max cannot react any other way. He can’t put up too much of a fight because it will make Isobel suspicious. So far as she knows, Michael just stated a fact. A terrible and heartwrenching fact, but a fact nonetheless. Why would Max argue with him? And Max is just. Sad. That Michael feels he has to do this, genuinely feels like it should be him because he’s the one worth the least. And now is neither the time nor place to address it. (It should also be noted that we see Max drive over to the junkyard first thing in the morning in the next episode, where it is secluded and the are alone to talk Michael, gently, out of this insane plan of action.)

The problem with everything that I’ve just outlined is that it’s all nuance we completely miss the first go around because we don’t get the necessary backstory until 2 episodes later. This is only something we can really pick up on after we’ve seen at least 1x06, and it helps to have 1x11 as well. So in a way the writers did fail Max here but so far as showing Max loving Michael...once we know what he knows I got that loud and clear.

#roswell new mexico #rnm #max evans #my roswell meta #a riley special

[thiswomanshouldbewriting]

Holding on and Letting Go

This is my @rumbellebigbang fic, and damn was it hard to write. I never would have made it without my amazing beta @galactic-pirates and my partner @desperatemurph who made this awesome gifset. 

I am posting the whole story on tumblr but you can also find it here on Ao3.

Summary: On a night like any other, Belle French comes home tired from work, and wants nothing more than a good night of rest. Someone, however, shows up at her door: it's Gideon, the son she gave up for adoption thirteen years before. Shocked but also overjoyed, Belle hopes to finally get a place in her estranged son's life. His adoptive father, however, is incredibly protective of him; will she manage to convince Mr Gold that she's not a threat, just a mother that had to make a terrible choice?

Belle kicked her shoes off as she entered her apartment, unceremoniously dropping her purse to the floor next to them. Being tidy was a problem for tomorrow Belle; right now, even the thought of having to change into her pajamas felt like too much work.

She was contemplating whether it would be really awful to sleep in the clothes she’d worn at work when the doorbell rang. She couldn’t think of anyone she knew who could be looking for her at this late hour, and her mind immediately provided her with a number of scenarios involving serial killers. Through the peephole she saw a nervous-looking boy on the other side of the door. He didn’t exactly look threatening, so she resolved to open the door, but she was ready to close it at the first sign of danger.

“Who are you?” she asked, looking at the boy more closely and trying to remember if she had seen him before. He did look oddly familiar now that she thought of it. 

“Are you Belle French?” he asked instead of answering. 

“I asked you first, but I’ll let this slide because it’s written on the doorbell anyway. Yes, I am Belle French,” she answered, eyeing him curiously. 

“My name is Gideon Gold. I’m your son,” he said simply, flashing her a little smile.

His words seemed to take forever to register in Belle’s brain, as all the memories that she had tried to suppress for over a decade came back with a vengeance, hitting her with the force of a truck. 

“No. No you can’t be,” she contested weakly, but she very well knew he could.

“Didn’t you give a baby up for adoption on February 12th thirteen years ago?” Gideon asked her, clearly knowing what her answer would be. 

Belle just couldn’t find the strength to say yes. Instead, she took a step back and motioned Gideon to follow her inside. 

“I need a cup of coffee, do you want something?” she said as a starter, busying herself at the kitchen counter so that she could keep her back turned to him; she couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes.

“Could I get something to eat instead? I didn’t finish my dinner and walked a long way to come here,” he asked, and out of the corner of her eye Belle could see that he had already claimed her armchair as his, looking so at home in her house that it hurt. She opened the fridge, looking for something to make a sandwich with. 

“Why are you here at two in the morning? Where are your parents?” she asked, trying to bring her mind back to the present and away from dangerous could-have-beens. She just hoped Gideon didn’t notice the slight tremble in her voice. 

“I found out you lived here months ago. I just never had the courage to come here until now. Bad timing, I know, but I simply felt like it today,” he said, then quickly added: “Did you read all the books in that bookcase? Some of them are my favorites!”

“Look, I don’t know what you think of me, but I’m not an idiot. Either you tell me what’s going on or I call the cops,” Belle said, suddenly finding the courage to turn around and stare him down. 

“If you do, I’ll tell them you kidnapped me,” Gideon replied without missing a beat.

“And they’ll believe you because I’m your birthmother. You’re clever, I’ll give you that,” Belle said, feeling a foolish surge of pride for the kid that she couldn’t and shouldn’t consider her son. “I still need to know what happened though. Unless you plan on escaping abroad, your parents will find you sooner rather than later, and I’ll be in trouble anyway. As you can see, I have very little to lose, so you’d better start talking.”

“Ok, fine,” Gideon groaned eventually. “I argued with my mom’s boyfriend because his idea of ‘bonding time’ is badmouthing my father all the time. My adoptive mother got mad and kicked me out of the house mid-dinner, so I walked over here and waited for you to get back.”

“She kicked you out of the house for that?” Belle asked, trying to control the anger in her voice. She knew she was hardly in a position to judge when she had kicked Gideon out of her entire life, but at least she had known her son would be taken care of. Kicking him out with only the clothes on his back was downright cruel.

“Yes, well, it’s not like she enjoys having me around that much. I’m pretty sure I’m mostly an annoyance to her,” Gideon said bitterly. 

“I’m sure that’s not true. She adopted you, she wanted you, and I’m sure she still does. Maybe she doesn’t always make the right choices, but I’m sure she loves you,” Belle said, laying the plate with sandwiches next to Gideon and taking one of his hands in hers. It had been so long since she’d last held him, and all she wanted to do was to cry, but she had to be strong for him, at least this time around. She owed him that much. 

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew her,” Gideon muttered, not looking Belle in the eyes. “But thanks anyway.” He grabbed one of the sandwiches then, and silence fell over them as he ate. 

“So, you mentioned your father. Why didn’t you call him?” Belle asked after a while.

“I didn’t have my phone,” Gideon answered with a shrug.

“And you couldn’t have borrowed someone else’s? I’m sure many people would have been ready to help a lost boy. Or maybe you could have stayed at a friend’s house. Why come here of all places?” Belle inquired. She didn’t want him to feel under interrogation, but she needed to know what was going on. 

“Look, I didn’t want to go to my father or to a friend’s house. I just wanted to come here, okay?” Gideon bit back, hurt creeping in his voice. 

Belle sighed, taking a long moment to evaluate her next action.

“Gideon, I don’t want you to think that I’m unhappy you’re here. I’m confused and shocked and sorry for what I put you through, but I’m happy I finally get to see you again,” she started off, trying once again to keep her voice level as she treaded such dangerous ground. “But I can’t truly enjoy this moment if I know your parents are worried sick about you. I know this feels a lot easier to you, but spending time with me will only make things more complicated when your parents eventually find you. How do you think they’ll feel when they find out you came to me?”

Gideon looked away from her, the pout on his face making him look even younger. 

“I don’t care. My adoptive mother doesn’t really care about me, why shouldn’t I at least have you?” he grumbled.

Belle sighed. Gideon was hurting, and he had turned to her with all the spite and desperation that only a teen could have. He needed affection, but he also wanted to punish his mother, maybe to make her jealous. Maybe Belle was only the means to that end, and deep down she really didn’t know how that thought made her feel. Being all but used by her son and then forgotten would be hell - which she totally deserved - but a sincere affection might be even worse. Would his parents even allow her back in her son’s life, or would she have to let him go a second time? And if they tried to bond but Gideon found her sorely lacking, would her heart be strong enough to handle that rejection?

“Of course you can have me,” Belle said, her treacherous heart singing at the prospect. “But please, please call your family before I truly get arrested for kidnapping. Maybe you could call one of your grandparents? Mine were always ready to forgive me for anything, and they’d talk my parents into forgiving me as well. Here, you can use my phone,”

Gideon pondered her words for a few seconds, taking her phone in his hands.

“Maybe… maybe I could call my brother. He won’t tell dad where I am if I ask him not to. I can have him tell mom and dad that I’m fine, so they won’t worry. Can I… can I spend the night here if I do this?” Gideon asked, his big hazel eyes shining with hope.

Belle knew that it was nearly impossible that his parents would be happy not knowing where he was spending the night, but how could she refuse Gideon when he so clearly needed to feel that an adult was on his side? 

“Okay, but put the phone on speaker, I want to make sure you are not just pretending to call. I’m truly risking prison here,” Belle warned him. 

Gideon had barely started dialing the number when the doorbell rang. 

“Are you waiting for someone?” he asked, even though he had the feeling he knew exactly who was pounding on the door like crazy. 

“Miss French, I have already called the police,” a man hollered from outside. “Open this door now or I swear I’ll have it brought down. And if you have hurt even a single hair on Gideon’s head I promise you’ll regret having ever been born!”

Belle felt the sudden, irrational instinct to run away, the same visceral fear she’d felt when labor began and she realized there was no escaping the pain. She forced herself to step towards the door on legs that felt like lead, wondering if Gideon’s father would give her time to explain herself or if he’d have her taken to jail straight away. 

Surprisingly, he didn’t do either of those things. The moment she opened the door, he sprinted past her as if she didn’t even exist, running to his son and wrapping him in a bone-crushing hug. Belle looked away from them, and found herself facing two other men, one of whom was a policeman. 

“Don’t worry about Officer Graham. I couldn’t convince my father to come here without the police, but as long as Gideon is fine - and I’m sure he is - we won’t press charges or anything,” the younger man said, offering his hand for her to shake. “I’m Neal, by the way, Gideon’s brother.”

He was smiling at her, albeit a little awkwardly, and that made her feel a bit better. 

“He just showed up at my door, I swear I didn’t contact him first. I was about to make him call you. I’m truly sorry for this mess, you must have been worried sick,” she apologized, focusing on Neal because she still couldn’t find the courage to look at Gideon’s father. Judging from the rage in his voice as he knocked on her door, she had the feeling he was far less chill about this than his son. 

“I have no doubt about it. Gideon had told me he was looking for you, so when he went missing I knew exactly where to look,” Neal explained. 

“Couldn’t you have kept your mouth shut? I was fine, and I would have let you know!” Gideon complained, slipping away from his father’s arms. 

“No, you shut up. You made dad completely freak out. We had to ask Dove to drive us here because dad was so nervous that he couldn’t even keep the steering wheel straight. What were you even thinking?”

There was a flash of guilt in Gideon’s eyes, but whatever he was about to say was cut short when his father stepped between him and Neal.

“We clearly have a lot to discuss, but we’ll have plenty of time for that when we get back home. I’m sure Miss French has better things to do than listen to our family drama, and we’ve already bothered her enough,” Gold said.

He barely deigned her a glance but, when he did, Belle wished he hadn’t. He stared at her as if she were a speck of dirt on his polished shoes, his gaze filled with hostility like she had seldom known, a mixture of hatred and disgust she only remembered seeing in her father’s eyes.

“It’s no matter, really. I just wanted to help Gideon,” she said somewhat awkwardly.

“Well, clearly your help isn’t needed anymore,” Gold said, his voice cutting as steel. “We’ll be on our way now.”

Neal flashed her an apologetic smile as they exited the apartment, and Gideon lingered for a quick surprise hug. Belle could feel Gold’s eyes burning into her as she tentatively wrapped her arms around her son, but she was ready to fight his rage for Gideon. He didn’t say anything though, and soon enough she was shutting the door behind them. After the turmoil of the past half-hour, her home felt eerily quiet now. She started pacing around, tidying up the place to give herself something to do and restrain from thinking about how much it had hurt to watch Gideon walk away. Sleeping would have helped her, but even though she was exhausted her brain was fully awake. When, over an hour later, she got into her bed, she kept tossing and turning as memories and nightmares blurred together in a constant cycle of dozing off and waking up with tears in her eyes. 

Her sleep was too light and restless to keep her from hearing her phone buzzing in the early hours of the morning. The lack of sleep was making her feel light-headed, so it took her a few seconds to focus on the words contained in the message, which was from a number she didn’t recognize. 

‘We just got home. Dad was mad af and spent the entire trip scolding me, but he has calmed down now, and I’m not even grounded! He’s incredibly pissed at mom though, and now they’re fighting on the phone. Thank you for today, I hope you don’t mind I got your number when I took your phone. Love, Gideon.’

If she had been less sleepy, Belle would have taken some time to consider the implications of every possible answer she could send him. Instead, with her heart hammering in her chest, she quickly wrote the words that she felt were the truest. 

‘I’m glad you’re okay, and I don’t mind about the number at all. I’m always here if you need me. Love, Belle.’

She laid back on her bed, clutching her phone to her chest, giddy and heartbroken all at once. It was only when her alarm went off two hours later that she realized that, after Gideon’s message, she had finally managed to sleep. 

Throughout the following days, Gideon kept messaging her with alarming regularity. He told her about how his day had been and asked about hers, he complained about how silly his brother became whenever a certain Emma was involved, and showered her with his thoughts about pretty much every fantasy saga he had been able to put his hands on. Belle liked to think that his love for books came from her, and the thought warmed her from the inside. His messages, however, worried her just as much as they rejoiced her. She truly wanted to be close to Gideon, yet she worried that she was only making things worse for him, teaching him to keep secrets from his parents and undermining their authority in her selfish desire to fix her past failings.

After a few days of furious debating with herself, she eventually resolved to ask for a friend’s help. There were very few people who knew she had given her son up for adoption, and she had cut them all out of her life, for good reason. This meant that if she wanted someone’s advice, she’d need to come clean about her past first. 

Ariel had a daughter of her own, so she was the only one of her friends who could speak from experience, but that also meant that she would truly understand the gravity of what Belle had done. By talking to her, Belle could jeopardize the life she had built for herself; if Ariel recoiled from her, if she called her a monster and told all their friends just what kind of woman she was, Belle really wouldn’t be able to blame her, but she’d also need to move again, just like she’d done as soon as she’d finished high school. Her own guilt was heavy enough to bear; she couldn’t live with other people’s judgment as well.

They met that afternoon, and Belle’s voice trembled as she started telling her story, but her friend proved more than worthy of her trust. Ariel let Belle talk without interrupting, and if there was a flicker of shock or horror in her eyes she did her best to hide it. When the tale was finally over, and Belle felt like she’d just run a marathon, the first thing Ariel did was hug her. 

“I’m so sorry. You deserved better, both you and your son,” she said, holding her so tightly that it almost hurt. It was exactly what Belle had needed, and she had to take a few deep breaths to keep from sobbing in relief. 

“I gave him up for that, to offer him something better, but now I’m not sure of what that is anymore,” she admitted. 

Ariel pulled back, but kept a strong hold of her hands, a reminder that she was not going to leave her. “I will be honest with you, Belle: if I were Gideon’s adoptive mother, I’d want to know that you’re in contact with him. The more you drag this on secretly, the more suspicious your behavior looks.”

“And what if his parents forbid him to talk to me again?”

“It’s a possibility, I can’t deny that, but Gideon cares about you and he has already shown just how determined he is to have a relationship with you again. You can’t expect his parents to be happy that he’s looking for another parent, but as wary or unhappy as they might be, they should let you see him for Gideon’s sake. Your son made the first step, Belle, but now it’s up to you to make sure that you go about this the right way.”

As much as it scared Belle to admit it, Ariel was right. Somehow, she had to work up the courage to speak to Gideon’s parents, starting with his father. She was pretty sure the man hated her, yet he was the one Gideon was closer to. Besides, she was still mad at his mother for kicking him out of the house, and she wasn’t sure she could hold a whole conversation with her without bringing that up. Gideon wasn’t all that happy when she mentioned her intentions to him, because he too was afraid that his father would try to put an end to their newfound relationship. He even went so far as to call her for the first time, but Belle, just like she’d done on the night he’d come looking for her, gradually managed to convince him, and soon enough she had Gold’s phone number registered. All she had to do now was find the courage to actually call him. She stared at her phone screen for what felt like hours, and eventually chickened out by telling herself that it was too late to call him anyway, and that he’d probably be pissed if she called him now. 

She stalled as long as she could the following morning, but way too soon she was ready to start the day and make that phonecall. Holding her breath, she pressed the ‘call’ button and waited. It took Gold a while to pick up, so much that she had been about to hang up when he finally did. 

“Ah, good morning, is this Mr Gold?” she stammered, her throat feeling as dry as sandpaper. 

“Yes. Who am I talking to?”

“I know this might be surprising, but I’m Belle French and I’m…” she started, only to be harshly cut off.

“I know exactly who you are, and this is why I suggest you hang up right now and delete this number, unless you want to find yourself in serious trouble,” he hissed at her. The rage and disgust in his voice made her want to cry, but Belle knew that, with Gideon’s happiness at stake, she couldn’t afford to have a breakdown. 

“Gideon and I have been messaging ever since he came looking for me,” she said quickly, before Gold could decide to hang up himself. “He took my number when I told him to call you. I wanted you to know.”

There was silence on the other end of the line for a while. Right when Belle was starting to think he might have hung up on her after all, Gold’s ice-cold voice reached her ears again. 

“And you’ve called so I can make it stop? You’ve realized teens are still as much work as newborns, but that it’s so much harder to shut the door in their face when they’re old enough to realize it?”

His assumptions were so absurdly wrong that, for a moment, Belle couldn’t find the words to reply. “No, no, how can you think I… you got it all wrong,” she explained hastily, horrified by the image Gold clearly had of her. “I don’t want you to put an end to this, I would never ask you to. I’m actually calling for the opposite reason; I want this to go on, but I don’t want to do this behind your back. I don’t want Gideon to lie to you. I know you have every reason to be wary of me, but I really want nothing more than to make Gideon happy, and I hope I can prove that to you.”

“I believe this is something we should discuss in person. I can drive to Boston and be there early in the afternoon,” he said, and Belle didn’t know if she should be happy that he wasn’t flat-out telling her no, or worried that he hadn’t said yes. 

“I’m afraid I’ll be at work then. Could we do next Monday instead? And I could be the one to drive over, I don’t want to inconvenience you more than necessary.”

“No, I’m driving over to you,” he insisted, his tone admitting no protest. “I’ll be there on Monday in the early afternoon. I’d be glad if you didn’t tell Gideon about this meeting before Monday, I’d rather not have him worrying about what we might or might not tell each other.”

His voice, that had been cold and distant throughout the whole exchange, seemed to warm up a little as he mentioned Gideon, and that gave Belle hope. He truly loved her… well, his son, so why should he keep Gideon from his birthmother if that connection was important to him? 

That thought kept her company throughout the following days, helping ease her nervousness at the upcoming meeting, but by Monday morning she was a nervous wreck nonetheless. She woke up unbelievably early, and started making rounds of her apartment - which she had spent the entire week cleaning and tidying up - to make sure that everything was truly spotless. Still with plenty of time to spare before Gold’s arrival, she took extra care in her outfit and make up; she only had this one shot at impressing him, and everything had to be perfect. She nearly jumped out of her skin when the doorbell finally rang. She took a deep breath, trying and failing to calm herself, then opened the door. 

Gold gave her a cold nod, then strolled in as if he owned the place. Judging from his tailored suit and from what Gideon had told her, he could probably afford to. During their first meeting she had been so nervous that she had somehow failed to notice he used a cane, but even that couldn’t make him look any less intimidating.

“Would you…” she started off awkwardly, then paused to clear her throat. “Would you like something to drink?” she tried again, her voice sounding a little more confident this time.

“Miss French, we both know I’m not here for a drink or for small talk. I’m here to know what you want, and I don’t like wasting my time,” he replied drily.

Under his scrutiny, Belle felt nearly paralyzed, but she pushed that feeling down, focusing solely on the thought of Gideon and drawing strength from that. She straightened her back and stared at Gold with all the determination she was capable of.

“I want a place in Gideon’s life, as long as he wants me to have it. I gave up my parental rights fourteen years ago and I know that there’s no changing that, that I’m not legally his parent anymore, but he came looking for me, and I want to be able to be as close to him as a friend would. I want to be able to call him and message him and just be by his side if he needs me. Please give me this chance.”

She had rehearsed this request a billion times in her mind, and all things considered she was satisfied with the result; her voice had sounded polite but firm, and she had made her intentions pretty clear while also reassuring Gold that she wasn’t trying to replace him or his ex-wife. She was expecting to see some kind of reaction in him, a sign of acceptance or denial, but his expression remained stressfully blank as he pondered her words. He was looking at her strangely, as if he were trying to see through her.

“So I’m guessing there’s no amount of money that could persuade you to disappear again?” he asked eventually.

For a moment, Belle was so shocked that she believed she’d misheard. He couldn’t be trying to do this, not really.

“I’m sorry?” was all she managed to say, part of her nervousness disappearing in the face of her mounting disdain. 

“You see, you wouldn’t be the first to try this trick. Birthparents reappear, they play nice for a while, and when the adoptive parents start feeling threatened by their presence they ask for a nice check in exchange for their absence. Or maybe you just realized that you’d be better off financially if you tagged along with my family, and are willing to put up with Gideon for that. If that’s the case, I’d rather pay you now than let Gideon get attached and then suffer when you reveal yourself for who you truly are. Name a sum, and we’ll have a deal,” he explained, his eyes still fixed on her, careful to catch her reaction. He really shouldn’t have bothered; even a blind man would have noticed the shock and horror in her expression. 

“I’m not that kind of person. I don’t care who you are or how big of a sum you can give me. The life I have I built it myself, with no help, and I certainly don’t need yours now. I want what I couldn’t have thirteen years ago: I want my son.”

Belle was almost surprised by the resolution in her voice, but she barely had time to revel in her newfound determination, because Gold’s scowl suddenly deepened. 

“That’s where you’re wrong. He’s not your son, not anymore, as even you have pointed out,” he hissed, looking so threatening that Belle was tempted to take a step back. “He’s mine, and so far you’ve given precious little reason for me to let you anywhere near him again. You say you have good intentions, but your actions say the contrary. You’re the one who tossed him away and never looked back. You’re the one that’s causing him to lie and run away, all things he had never done before. Maybe you don’t want money, and maybe you think you want to be a mother, but how do I know you won’t just play the part of the cool parent for a while and disappear the moment things get rough? You’ve done it before, after all, and I won’t let Gideon be hurt again.” 

At some point during his rant, something inside of Belle snapped. His accusations, so wrong yet so similar to the voices she heard in her nightmares, brought out feelings she had barely known were simmering inside of her. When thinking of what she’d done, she was used to shame and guilt, but this time all she felt was rage. Rage at life, at how stupid she’d been, and more than anything at all those people who - just like Gold - thought they knew everything, when they understood nothing.

“How dare you?” she asked him, taking one step forward so that they were almost face to face. “How dare you make assumptions about me when you know nothing. You don’t know what it was like. You don’t know how hard it was for me. You have no idea of what it is like to hold your son, that you love more than anything, and then hand him over to a stranger because you can’t take care of him. You don’t know. Years ago I let other people force me to walk out of his life, but this time is different. If you want to keep me away from Gideon you’ll have to step over my dead body, because this time I’m fighting tooth and nail for him.”

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so furious and so alive. Her words, her indignation felt so right, and she was frustrated by how unaffected Gold was by the whole thing. She felt as though she could incinerate him with a single look, and yet here he stood, impassable to the storm raging inside of her. She hated it. 

“So, you’re not going to say anything?” she prompted him, needing an answer, ready to fight. 

“Well, I’m not going to give you visitation rights or schedule for Gideon to come over here,” he started off, gesturing at her to let him continue when she tried to protest. “But at the same time Gideon is old enough to decide whether he wants to hear from you or not. As long as he’s okay with it, you two can keep in touch in whatever way he wishes. If he wants to meet you, however, I want to be informed, and if I decide I’d rather be present for the encounter you won’t object. And God help you if I ever find out you’re causing Gideon to lie or run away again. You only get one chance at this, Miss French, and I’m not a forgiving man. If you blow this, if you cause Gideon any harm, I’ll tear you and your life apart piece by piece.”

Belle was so relieved that she thought she might faint. The weight that had been pressing on her chest since she was sixteen had suddenly been lifted; at long last, she could be with her son. 

“Thank you, thank you so much. I promise you won’t regret this,” she vowed, barely restraining herself from hugging him; she had a feeling he wouldn’t appreciate that. “What about his mother? I’ll need her approval as well, do you think she’ll be okay with this?”

Gold looked surprised for a moment, as if he hadn’t been expecting Milah to be involved, then shook his head. “You don’t have to worry about Milah, I’ll talk to her. If I were you, I’d keep out of her line of sight as much as possible; she doesn’t like competition, and she will see you as a rival for Gideon’s affection. She’ll have to accept this situation for Gideon’s sake, but that does not mean she’ll like it, and she could turn quite nasty on you,” Gold warned her. He seemed to be looking at her differently now, still distant but much less wary, and definitely no longer angry or disgusted. The fact that he was even going out of his way to help her deal with his ex-wife felt nearly surreal. 

“Do you really think she’ll be that upset? The last thing I want is to bring conflict into Gideon’s life.” 

“As you might have noticed, there’s conflict between Gideon and Milah already. Strangely enough, your presence might just be the thing Milah needs to realize she needs to fix things between them,” Gold reassured her. “I still suggest you limit your phonecalls to Gideon when he’s at her place though. He would normally be staying with her here in Boston now that it’s summer, but after everything that happened Milah and I agreed it would be better if he moved back to Storybrooke a bit sooner than anticipated. He’ll be with her every other weekend for the duration of the school year, plus the occasional holiday.”

Belle took mental notes of all of that, thanking him again. She still couldn’t believe all of this was truly happening. 

“Now that we’ve reached an agreement on your situation with Gideon, I have to ask you if there’s any chance of his father showing up as well,” Gold asked after a beat of silence, and the question sounded so absurd to Belle’s ears that she couldn’t help but let out a humorless laugh.

“Believe me, I’d be the most surprised if he did. The only time we ever spoke of my pregnancy he suggested I terminate it. I’m not even sure he knows I gave Gideon up for adoption, and I haven’t seen him in over a decade. The chances of him finding Gideon are abysmal, and the chances of him caring about him are even below that. I wouldn’t worry about the father if I were you.”

The heartbreak Gary had caused her had faded through the years, but the sheer disgust at the person he was had only increased. Now, as a grown woman, she fully understood just how vile he had been, how slyly he had taken advantage of her, and she pitied her younger self for ever falling for him. 

“Looks like there is someone out there who deserved my anger after all. I’m sorry I thought that was you,” Gold said, something dangerous flickering inside his eyes. He was angry, but not at her, and it was a nice change. She remembered the threat he had made, how he’d destroy her and her life if she ever hurt Gideon, and in that moment she knew that’s exactly what he would do to Gary if she ever gave him his name. For a second, she was tempted to do just that, but there was too much at stake to indulge in vengeance. Messing with Gary could lead him to Gideon, and that was the last thing she wanted; for her son’s sake, her past had to stay in the past. 

“I’ll be going then. Everything is settled and I have a long drive ahead of me,” Gold said, moving towards the door. 

“Can I offer you anything? A cup of tea maybe, or I could make you a sandwich for the trip,” she offered again. She owed him more than she’d ever be able to say, but a sandwich was as good a place to start as any. 

“There’s really no need. Goodbye, Miss French.”

The door closed behind him, and Belle stared at it for a few seconds, still struggling to believe the past half-hour hadn’t been a dream. He had said yes. She felt like laughing and crying at the same time, yet she couldn’t bring herself to do either. Suddenly, she realized she had to tell Gideon about this. He had been so worried and ready to fight his dad on this, but there would be no need, and she was so happy she could give him good news. She grabbed her phone and, for the first time, called her son’s number. Today started their second chance. 

________________________________________________________________________________

By the time October rolled around, Belle was the happiest person in the world. After her encounter with Gold, things with Gideon had gone wonderfully, and her treasured collection of photos of him was growing rapidly. One of her favorites, that she had printed and framed, was the one she’d taken the first time she’d gone to Storybrooke, on Gideon’s first day of high school. It had been the first milestone of his life she’d been present for, and it had been hard to hide her tears as he hugged her before entering school. Another photo she kept in her wallet at all times, and just looking at it could brighten even the worst day.

She’d felt ill at ease in Storybrooke at first. In a quiet little town like that, a normal visitor was bound to be noticed, but being Gideon’s birthmother had put her directly at the center of the town’s gossip for a while. Gideon had been key to overcoming that; he’d been so obviously overjoyed at having her there, and so proud to be seen with her, that for the first time she’d forgotten to think of other people’s judgment. It didn’t always work, of course, but she liked to think she was getting better at it. 

One of the first things Gideon had shown her in Storybrooke was the library: it was closed, unfortunately, but the ladder that went to the clocktower on top of it was still usable, and Belle found herself loving the view of the town from up there just as much as Gideon did.

“The mayor shut the library down years ago, but I’ll have it reopened. I’ll be the librarian and have all kind of initiatives: reading groups, writing groups, Harry Potter themed events, everything. I’ll make this part of the library too: this place was made to be a reading nook. Everybody is going to love it.” he had told her, gesturing vaguely around him as if he could already see the finished work.  

“I feel like you’ve been planning this for a while, haven’t you?”

“Ever since I read Matilda as a kid. I even have a notebook on which I write every idea for this place. I don’t usually talk about this to people. I want to keep it a secret from dad, because he knows the mayor and I’m sure he could get the place reopened in a matter of minutes, but I want to do it myself.” he had said, still bubbling with enthusiasm. Then his expression had turned uncertain “Do you think it’s silly?”

“No, not at all. I always wanted to be a librarian as well,” Belle had said, stepping away from the window. “It’s nice to see you want the same.”

“Then why aren’t you one? Is it… is it because you got pregnant with me?” he had asked hesitantly.

Gideon had never asked her why she’d given him up, and she had never been brave enough to bring the matter up. Still, she could feel the need to know simmering inside of him, and every time he asked her something about her past she could feel the biggest, most dreaded question drawing a bit closer.  

“No, absolutely not,” she had answered truthfully. “I started working right after high school, but I went to university afterwards. I’m not a librarian simply because it’s hard to find a librarian position, especially one that is decently paid. It’s a good thing that you’ve already found the perfect place to work at, isn’t it?”

Bringing Gideon’s attention back to his dream had distracted him and lightened the atmosphere, and for that day she hadn’t had to deal with any more hard questions. The idea of telling him about her past scared her more than it should have. Gideon had known she’d given him up for adoption, and yet he came looking for her, so he clearly had made some sort of peace with that. Yet the idea of telling him about his father - or hers, for that matter - felt so wrong. She didn’t want him to know how evil some people could be, and she wanted even less to admit how she’d let people like them defeat her, cornering her to the point where she had to give up the most precious thing in her life. She was ashamed to admit to her son that she’d let other people tear them apart. 

Gradually, the colorful autumn leaves were replaced by the first flurries of snow, and as Christmas drew closer Belle learned with a little disappointment that she wouldn’t see Gideon for Christmas, as she’d secretly hoped. 

“I’m staying with my mom… well, my other mom. Even if I’m supposed to spend half the holidays with her, she generally lets me go back to dad’s place if I want, but this year she insisted we spend some time together. Sorry,” Gideon explained on the phone.

Belle was glad he couldn’t see her face, so she didn’t have to hide her sadness. Rationally, she knew it was only a good thing if Gideon spent more time with Milah and mended the complicated relationship he had with her, but a little part of her couldn’t help but feel jealous. Given that she wouldn’t be spending her Christmas with Gideon, she accepted to switch shifts with Tiana at the restaurant and work on Christmas day. The day was every bit as chaotic as they expected, and Belle was so busy that she almost didn’t notice the group that had just sat at a nearby table.

Neal spotted her the same moment she saw him. His eyes grew wide in surprise, then he  abruptly turned around and stared at the woman in front of him with such rage that Belle was surprised Milah didn’t catch fire on the spot. She either didn’t notice his death glare or didn’t care about it, because she kept chatting with the man beside her as if nothing had happened. Beside Neal, still oblivious to everything, sat Gideon.

Belle scurried away from the table, thankful that it was not her responsibility but Cecelia’s, but still painfully aware that she wouldn’t be able to hide her presence from them for long. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t mind Gideon being there; she worked at a fancy restaurant like any other, and she would be glad to just be able to say hi in between serving tables. The problem was Milah. Even if Belle could have given her the benefit of the doubt, Neal’s stare accused her; Milah hadn’t just casually stumbled upon the same restaurant Belle worked at, she had planned this, but to what purpose Belle couldn’t tell. She doubted, however, that Milah’s intentions were entirely innocent. 

Belle tried to carry on as if nothing was happening, but not even five minutes had gone by before she heard Gideon exclaim: “Mom?”

“Yes, dear, what do you want?” Milah answered, sporting a sickeningly sweet smile. 

For a moment, Belle thought Gideon was about to make a scene. For a moment, so did Gideon. He realized, however, that there would be no point in doing so: if Milah was doing this on purpose, as he strongly suspected, calling her out on it would just give her a chance to attack Belle directly. If this was a mere coincidence, or if Milah knew his birthmother worked here but didn’t know her face, making a scene would only point her in the right direction. So he bit back the angry remark that had been on the tip of his tongue, and tried to carry on as if nothing were happening. 

It was hands down the worst Christmas any of them could remember, except for Milah and her boyfriend - Keith, if Belle remembered his name right - who seemed to be having the time of their lives. They tried to call Belle to their table more than once, dissipating once and for all any doubts on the coincidence of the whole thing. Belle thanked all of her lucky stars that Cecelia was always quick to intervene, because Milah seemed to be determined to make things as complicated and uncomfortable as possible: she changed her order several times and found literally every excuse to complain, which was just the cherry on top of the already busy Christmas lunch. By the time the four of them finally left the restaurant, Belle didn’t know whether to feel relieved or angry. Gold had warned her that Milah wasn’t the nicest person around, but purposefully ruining her son’s Christmas just to spite his birthmother was simply too much. 

That day set a distinct change in the family dynamics. After a long discussion with Gold - who once again wanted to deal with Milah on his own - they decided to confront Milah together. The meeting was one of the most unpleasant experiences Belle had ever had. Milah had a particular talent for getting under her skin, alternating between shouting and whispering viciously as she brought up all the things that hurt Belle the most: how she had abandoned Gideon, how she wasn’t his real mother, how she wasn’t worthy of him. It took all of Belle’s willpower to keep herself together, but what really shocked her was how easily Milah could hurt Gold as well. Despite his attempts, he couldn’t quite hide his flinch whenever his former wife spat hateful words at him, and even if his remarks were just as cutting as hers, they lacked that particular, unsettling cruelty. 

Milah eventually had to cave in when Gold threatened to bring this to a judge and let them decide whether or not Milah still deserved to see Gideon after what she’d done. She gave Belle the more insincere apology she could muster, and promised she’d never again do something like that. Belle found it very hard to believe her, and even though this technically counted as a win on hers and Gold’s part, Milah’s words had taken such a toll on them that she just couldn’t shake the feeling of having been defeated.

“Do you have to head back home straight away? I think we could both use a warm drink right now,” Belle suggested, pointing at a coffee shop nearby. 

Gold glanced back at his parked car, clearly weighing the options. 

“Okay,” he said eventually, surprising her. 

The place was crowded, as was to be expected on such a cold day, but luckily they found a free table in one corner and ordered two teas.

“I’ll never understand how you don’t freeze to death dressed like that,” Gold said as she took off her coat, revealing clothes that he would have seen more fit for spring. Late spring. 

“Well, I’ll never understand how you’re not sweating to death when dressed like that. You remind me of a girl I once shared an apartment with; we were constantly arguing over the heating, and eventually she moved out.”

“It’s a good thing we don’t live together then,” he joked, immediately regretting it. What if she took it as an insult? Luckily, Belle giggled. 

“It is. We’d come to hate each other within a week.”

He was surprised by how much the thought of not being friends with Belle anymore hurt him. He’d started out hating her, being scared of her, and yet after talking to her just a handful of times his feelings had completely changed. Belle had a way of making him feel at ease that very few people possessed, and the fact that he was smiling so shortly after meeting Milah was proof of that.

“I’m sorry. For all the things Milah said to you, I mean. She really shouldn’t have done that;” he said, feeling the need to make up for his ex-wife’s behavior. 

“Yes, she was… harsh. Is she always like this, or did I strike a nerve?”

What she’d really wanted to ask was ‘Is she always like this with you?’, because Belle couldn’t truly believe that her presence could make someone turn so viciously against their former husband. That question, however, would have been too direct and would have looked like prying. 

“You didn’t do anything, at least not intentionally. I think you’re dealing with Gideon wonderfully, but she refuses to see past her wounded ego. She was always extremely… fierce, but I think I bring out the worst in her. I’m sorry you had to witness that.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for. You did nothing to deserve such treatment: she is in the wrong.”

He smiled a bit sadly at her, like he appreciated her words but didn’t truly believe them. Their teas arrived in that moment, distracting them for a moment and giving Belle a chance to change the subject. 

“You know, this is incredibly awkward to admit, but I’ve just realized I don’t know your first name. Maybe Gideon told me at first and then I forgot, I’m not sure, but he only calls you ‘dad’ and everyone else calls you ‘Mr. Gold’ and so it… it kind of slipped my mind.”

Under literally any other circumstance she would have died rather than admit this, but it was the only thing that had come to her mind that could distract him from his former wife. 

“No apologies needed. I don’t really like my name, so I try to have it as little known as possible,” he explained. 

“Could I maybe shorten it, or use a nickname? I feel strange calling you by surname.”

Milah had called him ‘Rum’, would he be offended if she used it?

“I’m not going to be weirded out if you keep calling me by surname, but if you prefer to use my name I guess ‘Rumple’ will do. Just don’t use it too much when we’re in Storybrooke and other people can hear us: I have a fearsome reputation to maintain.”

She raised a disbelieving eyebrow at that, and he smirked over the rim of his teacup. 

“What, you don’t believe me?”

“I have a hard time imagining a town that keeps being scared of you after seeing how loving you are with your kids. I saw you trying to hold back your tears when Gideon started high school,” she remarked, taking a sip of her own tea. 

“You’ll be surprised by how much people refuse to see once they’ve formed their opinion on someone. I’m not saying I’m lenient with late payments, but I’m not nearly as ruthless as I once was, yet my reputation stays unchanged. Still, I don’t want to endanger it more than necessary.”

“Fine, I’ll only use it in case of emergency, I promise,” she conceded in mock seriousness. 

Her smile seemed to warm him more than the tea had, and there was a beat of silence as Gold mused over his next words. 

“You know, I was thinking… Gideon’s birthday is coming in less than two months and your birthday is only two days later, so I was wondering if you’d like to come to Storybrooke for those days, and maybe stay a little longer than usual, so that you and Gideon can celebrate together. I know he’d love that, but I haven’t told him anything yet so that he doesn’t get his hopes up in case you can’t come…” he felt incredibly stupid asking her this, and he couldn’t quite tell why. He just wasn’t sure of who she was to him anymore, and how he should act around her. Were they co-parents? Acquaintances? Or were they becoming friends? 

“I’d love to,” she replied, making him momentarily forget about his doubts. “I’ll have to make sure I can take those days off from work, but I don’t think there will be any problems.”

“Good. Do you want me to tell Gideon or do you want it to be a surprise?”

“No, tell him, it’s nice to have something to look forward to.”

She surely would be counting the hours until then.

“Thank you,” she added after a moment. “Really, thank you so much for everything you’ve done and you’re still doing for Gideon and me. You had every reason to be wary of me, but you listened to me and gave me a chance, and I’ll never be able to repay you for that.”

“You being there for Gideon and making him happy is payment enough,” he said immediately. “The only people you have to thank are Gideon and yourself: him because he’s the one who gave you a second chance, and you because you didn’t waste it. I merely supervised at first.”

Belle smiled gratefully at him, and their conversation flowed freely after that. Nearly an hour later, when Gold finally made it back to his car, the thought of Milah and her cruel words couldn’t have been more distant from their minds. 

**********

The sky was thankfully clear when Belle drove into Storybrooke on the 9th of February, but there was snow piled up at the side of the streets, and the promise of more to come in the following days. She’d be staying in Storybrooke for a whole week, and she was beside herself with excitement. If fourteen years prior somebody had told her where she’d be now, she wouldn’t have believed it. She made a quick stop at Granny’s B&B to leave her suitcase and take a shower, then walked to Gold’s house. She had to be extra careful, because there were thin patches of ice on the sidewalk and she risked slipping more than once.

Gideon had been staring anxiously out of the window ever since Belle had texted to say that she was at the B&B. When he saw her, he screamed “SHE’S HERE” at the top of his lungs, and all but flung himself out of the house to go hug her. 

“Don’t run!” Gold warned him as he hastened to follow him. “There’s ice on the ground…”

He had barely finished talking when he felt his good leg slip out from under him. All of his weight went on the bad one, already in pain from the cold, and a moment later he was falling hard on his backside, every bone in his body screaming in pain.

Belle and Gideon rushed to his side, their eyes wide with fear, talking over each other in their haste to ask him if he was okay. 

“I’ve been better,” he replied gruffly. He reached for his cane, grimacing at the sight of his bruised hand, but when he tried to get back on his feet pain shot through his right leg, making him lose his balance again. It was only thanks to Gideon and Belle supporting him that he avoided a second fall. Sitting again on the cold ground was far from pleasant, but it was all he could do for now. He pulled the right leg of his pants up, and took a look at his prosthesis. The stupid thing seemed to be fine, but the point where his knee connected with it hurt like hell. It wasn’t unusual for it to hurt, but not to this level.

“Gid, could you go grab my crutches? I don’t think I can manage it with the cane,” he had to admit. He wanted to get back inside as soon as possible, both to change clothes and to avoid being seen like this by any passers-by, but he’d never liked using the crutches. He was especially bugged by the idea of letting Belle see him like this, hurt and unable to even stand on his feet. She was smiling worriedly at him, clearly trying not to stare at his prosthesis, and he appreciated her effort. The silence between them stretched awkwardly, and he was wondering if he should try to say something when his son reappeared.

“I called Whale. He’s at the hospital now, but his shift is about to end and he said he’ll be here in half an hour,” Gideon said, handing him the crutches. 

Gold nodded, too focused on keeping his balance to speak. His bedroom was on the first floor, but there was no way he could manage the stairs now, so he settled himself in one of the guest bedrooms downstairs. Gideon brought him a change of clothes, while Belle made tea for everyone, and later insisted on disinfecting the cuts on his hands. 

“I told you I can do it on my own,” he protested again as she took one of his hands in hers. 

“I know, but it will be much easier and quicker if I do it,” she said, stubbornly refusing to let go of his hand even as the sting of the disinfectant made him squirm. “I know it hurts, but if you move it’s going to take even longer to finish.”

“Sorry. I’m just… not used to having someone do things for me,” he admitted after a moment, carefully weighing his words.

“Oh, I know the feeling, believe me. Do you want me to leave you alone? I just wanted to help, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything,” she made to move, but he gestured at her to stay.

“I’ll get used to it,” he said as an explanation. It was technically rude to say it that way, but Belle took it for the ‘thank you’ it actually was and smiled at him. 

“We’ll both have to. As I said, I’m used to being alone too.”

“Thank you,” he said as she finished bandaging his hand. “For this, for your patience, for everything. You just got here and you have to take care of me. I really didn’t want your vacation to start like this.”

“Well, that’s one of the perks of getting used to having other people around: you don’t have to deal with problems alone anymore. I’m here to stay, and not only on the good days,” she concluded with a smile. 

When she said it like this, it sounded almost easy. He was still processing her words when Gideon announced Whale’s arrival, relieving him of the embarrassment to come up with a reply that was at least one tenth as significative as Belle’s words had been. 

All in all, Whale told him he’d been lucky. He hadn’t broken any bones nor suffered any serious damage, but his knee was inflamed and Whale recommended not to wear his prosthesis for the next few days if he didn’t want to make things worse. In Gold’s opinion, that was far from being lucky, but he seemed to be the only one in the house to think so. After Whale left, he found himself in a heated discussion with Belle and Gideon on whether or not he should hire someone to help him through the following days. 

“I’m perfect capable of taking care of myself without help, case closed,” he snapped.

“I know, but what if you fall again? We have lots of things planned for the next few days, and there’s still snow outside. You can’t lock yourself up in the house, and I can’t pick you up if you’re too hurt to do it yourself. I’m just worried, that’s all,” his son replied stubbornly, his expression so similar to Belle’s that Gold nearly felt like laughing, despite how nervous he was. 

“Rumple, I’m sure you know your limits, and I’m not trying to impose anything on you, but Gideon has a point, and I don’t want you to risk anything just because you want to do everything on your own,” Belle said, clearly trying to keep the discussion form escalating. 

“Then trust me when I say I’m perfectly capable of managing my life without a stranger following me around and taking care of me as if I were a kid,” he replied drily.

“Well, if having a stranger around is the problem, we could ask Belle to stay here and help you,” Gideon suggested then. 

“WHAT?” the exclamation of surprise came from both of them at the same time, and if they’d been a little less shocked they would have probably found that fact very funny. 

“I just thought… we’ll be with Belle most of the time anyway, so why not? You two already know each other, so I think you wouldn’t be as snappy with her as you’d be with a stranger, and she would probably be less strict than a real nurse, so you wouldn’t feel like you’re being babysat. I thought it could be a nice compromise,” Gideon explained, staring at his father as if daring him to contradict him. 

“Belle came here to spend time with you, not to be my nurse,” Gold replied patiently. “You can’t expect people to change their plans because it suits you.”

“I mean, it’s not like I would mind, I just… I’m not sure I’d know what to do, or if you’d even be comfortable with having me around all the time,” Belle interjected.

Gold turned to look at her, even more surprised than he’d been by Gideon’s words: he’d been so sure that she wouldn’t accept that he’d completely forgot to ask her what she thought of it. In a way, he’d made the same mistake Gideon had. 

“I… I don’t want to bother you,” he repeated somewhat weakly.

“Well, you also said you don’t even need that much help. I’d be happy to help you if it makes Gideon feel safer, but I won’t insist if you don’t want me around all the time.”

��Fine,” he conceded at last. “I’d much rather have you around than a stranger.”

“She can take the spare bedroom upstairs!” Gideon exclaimed, beside himself with excitement. “This is going to be an awesome week!”

“No one has ever been so happy about me getting hurt,” Gold chuckled after sending Gideon to prepare Belle’s room.  

“Can you imagine his outrage if I had been the one to get hurt and you hadn’t agreed to let me stay here right away? I can almost see it.”

“We should suggest he joins a theatre group or something, he does have a penchant for drama.”

Belle agreed, and they traded silly quips for a little while before Belle went back to collect her bags from Granny’s. As she settled into her room, she couldn’t help but think that Gideon was right: this was going to be one awesome week. 

**********

As expected, more snow fell during the following three days, and that forced Gideon to change plans for his birthday. He had been planning to spend most of the day out with his two best friends and celebrate at dinner with Belle, Gold and Neal (who had arrived from Boston the day after Belle), but the prohibitive weather forced him to spend the day indoors, with his friends just barely managing to get to his house without freezing their noses off. Neal seemed to find it hilarious that one of Gideon’s friends was also named Neal, and spent the entire day making jokes about that. Everyone seemed to find it funny, except maybe Gideon, who seemed strangely tense at times. Robin and Neal ended up staying for dinner as well, so that they were all together when Gideon finally got to open his presents. Everyone’s gift seemed to be just perfect for him, and Belle felt her nervousness rise as she handed him hers. She had gotten to know him so much during the past few months, but she knew she still had so much to learn. What if her present was the only one he didn’t like?

“I wonder what it could possibly be,” Gideon joked as he started unwrapping what was clearly a book. “Her Handsome Hero? I’ve never heard of this one!”

He seemed happy enough about it, and Belle breathed a sigh of relief. 

“It’s a retelling of a fairytale I used to love as a kid. I thought that since you like fantasy you might like it,” she explained. 

“Thanks, I’m sure I’ll love it.”

She’d wondered if she was considering her own tastes rather than Gideon’s in buying the present, but she had wanted her first gift to him to be something meaningful and, all things considered, she was happy with her choice. Gideon and his friends played video games for a little while more before it was time for Robin and Neal to go. Belle drove them to their respective homes, and even if Storybrooke was small it took her a long time to get back home, because it had started snowing again and she had to proceed almost ridiculously slowly. 

The first thing she noticed as she stepped inside, still shivering a bit from the cold, was a stream of muffled curses coming from the kitchen. A clear idea of what was happening immediately formed in her mind, and she strode towards the noise, not knowing if she should be more worried or angry. 

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?” she whispered angrily at Gold, not wanting Gideon to hear them. 

“What does it look like?” he bit back, but there was a hint of guilt in his eyes. He’d put his prosthesis back on, and was in the process of tidying up the kitchen. Everything about his demeanor screamed that he was in pain, yet he stood stubbornly to face her, trying to hide the way he had to lean on the sink. 

“I could have done this! It’s what I’m here for!” she reminded him. 

“No, you’re here to spend time with your son. You don’t have to waste your time being my caretaker.”

“For God’s sake, I thought we’d already talked about this!” Belle burst out, walking towards the crutches he’d abandoned in the corner. “Take that thing off before Gideon hears us and go to bed.”

“No.”

She was on the verge of screaming, but then she noticed something in his expression, something that went beyond simple stubbornness.

“Rumple, what’s wrong?” she asked, closing the distance between them, her voice turning softer. “You seemed to be doing fine, and now you do this. Did something happen? Did I do something?”

He looked around, as if searching for an excuse to avoid the conversation. 

“It’s not easy to explain,” he muttered eventually. 

“Well, I have time and patience, so try as much as you want,” she replied sitting down on a chair, and gesturing at him to do the same. He limped towards the table and let out a sigh of relief as he sat down heavily in front of her. 

“Just for the record, where are Neal and Gideon? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable by having you open up when your kids could walk in at any moment.”

“I told Neal to go upstairs and make sure Gideon doesn’t stay up all night reading. Not that it works, but they generally start talking and end up falling asleep in the same bed at some time past two am. Their faces tomorrow morning are going to be hilarious.”

No matter how upset Gold was, talking about his children always lightened his mood, and once again that sight made Belle smile. 

“Good. So, can you tell me now what’s going on?” Belle tried again, laying one hand over Gold’s in what she hoped was a comforting gesture. 

“I just… I don’t see how it’s fair that you should do all the work when you’re the guest. I should do better,” he said, not quite looking at her.

“But you’re hurt!”

“And that’s my fault! I should have been more careful, and you shouldn’t have to pay for my mistake,” he insisted, and Belle suddenly had the feeling that he wasn’t really talking to her. Of course, he was saying those words to her, but this wasn’t the first time he’d said them, and she wasn’t the one who made him feel like this. 

“Does it have something to do with Milah?” she asked, and it shocked him so much that he actually looked at her for the first time since the discussion started. 

“What?”

“Did she make you feel like your disability was your fault?” she insisted, and from the way he looked at her, she had truly gotten to the heart of the problem. 

“She never called me disabled” he murmured after a while. “Useless cripple was the most common expression. Or something along the lines.”

“That’s horrible.”

She’d heard Milah say something about his leg and his illness during their discussion after Christmas, but without context it had been just one amongst the many insults she’d thrown at him.

“She… she didn’t like it when I got sick. She was pregnant with Neal when I was diagnosed with bone cancer. With a baby on the way she couldn’t deal with my sickness as well, especially when it lead to the amputation I tried my best to help her as much as I could, but there wasn’t much I could do at first, and the sickness caused by the chemo didn’t help. I thought I could fix things once I had healed, but then we found out that the treatment had left me sterile. I think that was the real end of her feelings for me, even though it took me a lot longer to realize it.”

“What happened after that?” Belle asked softly. She didn’t want to pry, but she could feel he needed to talk about this.

“Once I was sure my cancer wasn’t coming back, I talked Milah into adopting. My inability to have any more children had upset both of us, and I was sure that adopting was the solution. We could be happy again, Neal would have a much wanted sibling, and a kid would get a loving home. I thought it was a win-win scenario.”

He’d been so enamored with the idea of having another child that he’d projected that wish onto his wife. Now he realized that Milah had been upset mostly because she saw his sterility as another failing on his part, not because she was desperate to have more kids. 

“And I suppose that’s when Gideon came into your lives,” Belle prompted him, trying and failing not to imagine a younger Gold holding a newborn Gideon. It was an image that hurt her in more ways than she could count. 

“Yes. I loved him from the moment I saw him. After all I had been through, I was finally back to health and with not one, but two little kids to spoil rotten. Being with them was like heaven.”

He paused for a moment, fidgeting as he looked for the right words and the courage to carry on with the story. 

“Milah, however, wasn’t as happy as I’d hoped. She’d never been overly maternal with Neal, but I never had any doubt that she loved him. With Gideon, however, I started to wonder. I mean, I think she loved him, that she still does, but… she just can’t see him as equal to Neal.”

He’d whispered the last words so quietly that, despite being so close, Belle had to lean towards him to understand them.

“I think he knows. I don’t know when he started to realize it, but he’s a clever kid, he was bound to notice it someday.” 

Belle was biting her lower lip, not sure what to say. She was angry at Milah, but was she in any position to judge her? 

“Despite all of this, I couldn’t bring myself to end things with her. We were almost completely avoiding each other by that point, and I’m pretty sure she had more than one affair through the years, but I didn’t want to upset my children with a divorce. I thought I’d just hold on until they were old enough to deal with it, but Milah beat me to it. Four years ago I woke up and she was simply gone. She left a note saying that she was leaving, but she didn’t leave an address, and she wouldn’t answer my calls. After a day or two she texted Neal to tell him she was sorry and that she would soon file for divorce and a custody agreement, and only when her lawyer contacted me I found out she was in Boston with her most recent lover.”

“Listen,” Belle said once his tale was over. “I can only imagine how much all of this must have hurt, how much it still hurts. All I know is that I’m not her. I’m not going to walk away when you’re sick, or if you make a mistake, or you fail to meet some stupid standard. I’m with you, and not just because you’re Gideon’s father, but because we’re friends.” 

For a moment, she’d been on the verge of saying ‘family’, but she didn’t think either of them was ready for that. ‘Friends’ was a much safer option. 

“No matter what happens, I’m not going away,” she reassured him again. 

“No one,” he said, taking a shaky breath, “No one has ever said that to me. Least of all my wife.”

He looked on the verge of tears, and it came so naturally to Belle to wrap her arms around him, offering the comfort he so clearly needed. He all but sank into her hug, breathing heavily against her shoulder, clearly fighting back tears. They stood like that for a while, with one of her hands gently petting his hair, calming him, and despite their closeness and the silence the situation didn’t grow awkward. When he eventually pulled back, he looked more in control of himself. He opened his mouth to talk, but Belle stopped him before he could utter a single word.

“If you’re going to apologize, please don’t.”

He closed his mouth then, looking both annoyed and amused by how well she could read him. 

“Just take the prosthesis off and go to bed. I can bring you your painkillers if you want.”

“Yes, I think I’m going to need them,” he conceded, reaching for the crutches. 

Having to use the crutches didn’t stop him from doing most things, but it significantly slowed him down, so several minutes passed before he was finally ready to get into bed. He was waiting for his painkillers to kick in when he heard Belle leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs.

“Goodnight,” he said as she passed his door.

“I wasn’t expecting you to be still awake. Did I make too much noise?” she asked, still on the other side of the closed door. 

“No, I just can’t sleep right now.” There was no need to tell her he was in fact in pain. 

“May I come in?” she asked, surprising him. 

“Yes, of course. Is everything okay?” he said as she stepped inside. 

“Yes, I just… I wanted to talk to you about something, but if it’s too late we can wait until tomorrow. It’s nothing urgent.”

“As I said, I’m not sleepy. We have time to talk right now,” he said, gesturing at her to come closer. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking just a tad nervous. 

“Did you notice something strange about Gideon today?” 

The question immediately sent his brain into panic mode, but he couldn’t recall anything that had caught his attention.

“No, he seemed like his usual self,” he replied carefully. 

“Maybe he was. I just thought he looked a bit tense, so I kept an eye on him, and… I think he might have a crush,” she concluded. 

“On Robin?” It was something he really hadn’t seen coming, but it was hardly something worth worrying over. 

“On Neal.” 

There was a beat of silence after Belle’s reply, and she worried her lower lip with her teeth as she waited to see Gold’s reaction. She didn’t think he was the kind of man who would be upset by the idea of having a gay son, but one could never be sure. Right as she was about to ask him to speak, for God’s sake, he did something that completely shocked her:  he laughed. 

“What?” she asked once his laughter died down, not sure of what exactly was going on.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that… life apparently has a strange sense of humor.”

“I’m still not following you.”

“You’re right,” he sighed, gathering up his courage, “Apparently tonight is a night of confessions, and please know that I can count on my fingers the number of people who know what I’m about to say to you. I’m bisexual.”

Of all the things Belle had been expecting, this wasn’t one of them. 

“The day I told my father this, he dropped me at my aunts’ house and never came back. I mean, it’s not like he was fond of me before: Rumplestiltskin is not a name you give to a kid you love, after all, but after that even keeping a roof over my head became too much. It wasn’t easy for me to accept my sexuality after that.” He looked up at her then, his eyes full of both pain and love. “I’m just glad I can give my son the support I never had.”

For the second time that night, Belle could do nothing but hug him. He’d been through so much, and despite what he wanted people to believe, he had stayed a kind man through it all. She held onto him tight, never wanting to let go. 

“You’re the best father I could have hoped for, for Gideon,” she said as she reluctantly pulled back. She wanted to say so much more, that he meant so much more to her, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Instead she got up from the bed, wished him goodnight, and scurried back to her room.

She closed the door, leaning heavily against it, and cursed herself and her furiously beating heart. She had caught feelings for her son’s father. Under normal circumstances, that would have been the normal thing, but this… this was a mess. She felt like crying and laughing at the same time. She wanted to cry because this was never going to work, and she wanted to laugh because it had been so long since she’d felt like this, since she’d trusted and respected and cared for someone so much. She got into bed, but couldn’t sleep for a long time. She kept thinking about Gold’s eyes, This week was either going to be the best of her life, or it was going to be the death of her.

**********

Two days later it was Belle’s turn to celebrate. She usually didn’t do much on her birthday, and getting to spend the day with her son and his family was already more than she’d ever expected, but Gideon went out of his way to celebrate for her. Someone (she suspected Gold, under Gideon’s direction) had hung streamers in the living room during the night, and during breakfast she learned that they’d made a reservation in Storybrooke’s nicest restaurant for lunch. The thing Gideon was clearly waiting for the most, however, was the moment when they got back home, when he deemed it was finally time to give her her present. 

“I won’t ask if you like it because I know you will!” He exclaimed proudly as he handed her a box. She opened it, and she was surprised to find a stack of papers. She was confused at first, but as she focused on what was written on those papers her confusion turned to shock. 

“It says here that I’m… the new Storybrooke librarian? What?” she asked, thinking it must be some kind of prank. 

“I told you my dad could have it reopened whenever he wanted! Now you can have the job of your dreams and move to Storybrooke, and we can be together whenever we want!” Gideon exclaimed, still oblivious to her growing discomfort. 

“Gid, listen,” she started off, not really knowing how to put it nicely. “This is incredible and thoughtful and it was kind of you to do this… but you should have asked me first.”

“You didn’t ask her?” Gold exclaimed, turning to stare at his son. “You told me you knew she was okay with this!”

“Well, she said she wanted to be a librarian! And I couldn’t directly ask her without ruining the surprise!” Gideon replied angrily, not understanding why he was being scolded for his great present.

“Then you shouldn’t have done this!” his father insisted. “You could have given her any other present, and then you could have talked about the library first. You shouldn’t have assumed she’d be okay with this.”

“Why are you two angry? I just wanted all of us to be together! Don’t you want to spend more time with me?” he asked Belle, looking at her with angry tears in his eyes. It was the first time she saw him angry at her, and it made her stomach churn. Still, she needed him to understand why she was just as upset as him. 

“Of course I do, Gid, but you can’t make decisions for me. Or for anyone else, for that matter. What you’re asking me to do is a really big change, and that’s not something I want to do without thinking about it first,” Belle tried to explain, but she could see that Gideon wasn’t truly listening to her reasons.

“You’re a liar! You just don’t want to see me!” he screamed, then ran upstairs.

“I’ll talk to him,” Neal said as he ran after his bother, leaving Belle and Gold alone with the weight of what had just happened. It was the first time Belle had argued with her son, and while she knew it was bound to happen sooner or later she still felt sick. 

“I’d like to say that it’s something you get used to, but it’s not true. It always hurts when they’re angry at you,” Gold told her honestly, sitting beside her on the couch. “I’m really sorry. I wouldn’t have let him go through with it had I known.”

“I’m sorry too. I know I probably overreacted. I mean, there’s nothing truly keeping me in Boston. Yes, I have friends there, but Gideon is more important right now, and I did always want to be a librarian. I just… I don’t react well when I feel people are trying to make decisions for me.” She’d had enough of that for a lifetime. 

“We all have our weak spots. Yours is being forced into things, Gideon’s is not feeling that he’s important to the people he cares about. Neal is really good at calming him down, though, I’m sure you two will be on good terms again before dinner,” he reassured her, and he was right. By the time she’d made and drank some tea, Neal had come downstairs to tell her she could go talk to Gideon if she wanted. 

It was easy to apologize to her son, but it was much harder to explain why she had reacted the way she had. At long last, she had to tell him something about his biological father and her own, and how they had both forced or tried to force her into a life she didn’t want. It was a painful tale for both of them, but they hugged at the end, and Gideon apologized as well. He called her ‘mom’ then, and it was at that moment she truly started crying. Despite the tears and the fight, that was the best birthday she’d ever had. 

Now that she didn’t feel like she was being pressured into things, she had to admit that the possibility of becoming Storybrooke’s librarian was amazing. She still wanted to think it over once she was back in Boston and not so emotional, but she doubted she’d find many reasons not to accept the offer. Surprisingly, her birthday had yet more emotions in store for her: the morning after, in fact, Gold gave her another gift, one that from the shape she initially mistook as a book. 

“I wanted to give it to you yesterday, but then I thought you already had enough to deal with in one day,” he said as she started unwrapping the paper. He had been right in his consideration, because the moment she realized what it was a sob tore itself from her throat. 

It was a photo album, and it was filled with pictures of Gideon, at all ages. From when he was just a newborn, so small that he was barely visible under his baby blanket, to his happy toothless smile when he was seven, to the last birthday he’d celebrated without her. It was all the life she hadn’t been there for, and that Gold was now sharing with her. 

“I picked the nicest, but there are more if you want. I just couldn’t fit them all in one album,” he explained as she turned the pages in awe. 

“I have one more,” she said, her voice hoarse with unshed tears. “From before this summer, I mean. When I was in the hospital I… I asked a nurse to take a picture of me with him before handing him over to social services. He was just minutes old. I… I can give you a copy if you want.”

She looked so fragile yet so strong, with her eyes full of tears as she offered to share with him a photo taken in such a painful moment, and he wanted to kiss her so badly that for a moment he had the impression that her gaze was lingering on his lips, as if she wanted to kiss him too. It was nonsense, of course, but it was such a tempting thought that he was relieved when she hugged him, because it hid her beautiful face from his view, giving him a moment to collect himself. If she really moved to Storybrooke, she was going to be the death of him. 

**********

Belle officially moved to the apartment above Storybrooke’s library at the end of March, and spent the entire month of April preparing for the library’s reopening, with Gideon helping her as often as he could, until one day she had to remind him that he was supposed to spend at least some of his afternoons studying if he ever wanted to become a librarian himself. He officially started dating Neal in May, and soon enough their lives settled into a new, pleasant rhythm that Belle could hardly believe was real. When one day Neal announced that he was coming over to dinner with Emma - Storybrooke’s deputy sheriff - it was like yet another piece of their family had finally found its place. 

“They’ve been in love since high school,” Gideon told Belle as they set the table, waiting for his brother and the woman Belle supposed would finally be presented as his girlfriend. “They broke up when school ended and he moved to Boston, but they were never truly over each other. At least Neal wasn’t. I’m so glad they’re finally together again because he’s insufferable when he’s lovesick. The first time they argued he wrote her a song and he kept practicing it for days and it was terrible.”

With Storybrooke being so small, Belle had met Emma several times already, and it didn’t take her long after her arrival to notice that both she and Neal were behaving strangely. She didn’t want to ruin dinner by asking, but her curiosity was soon satisfied when, before taking even the first bite, Neal said he had an announcement to make.

“Don’t tell me you’re getting married already!” Gideon joked, but Neal hardly smiled, which was incredibly unlike him. 

“Well, we are kinda speeding things up,” Emma admitted.

“Oh my God,” Gold whispered, putting two and two together and realizing what Neal was about to say. 

“What I’m trying to say is… dad, I’m pregnant,” Neal said, and it took him a moment to realize what he’d said in his agitation. “I mean, she is pregnant, of course. And no, this was not planned, and we’re not even actually dating, and I still have art school to finish, but we’re keeping it.”

Gold recovered surprisingly well from the shock, but spent the rest of the evening torn between feeling giddy at the idea of becoming a grandpa and wanting to strangle his son for being so incautious. It was a very awkward family dinner overall, and Belle really wasn’t sad when it was over. Despite her best attempts, the talk about babies and unexpected pregnancies had reawakened all sorts of bad memories for her, and had made her feel under the spotlight, a glaring bad example that everyone was too kind to point out. When Gold insisted on driving her back home, she felt a moment of pure panic and briefly wondered if he was going to blame her for being a bad influence on Neal. It was an absurd thought, of course, but she couldn’t help herself.

“How are you feeling?” he asked her instead as soon as they were in the car. 

“I’m fine,” she lied. “Why?”

“Because I saw you fidgeting at dinner, and I know what it means. No one is making comparisons between you and Emma, believe me.”

“But they’re keeping the baby while I…” she started off, but Gold immediately interrupted her. 

“You were seventeen, they’re twenty one. I doubt you were out of high school, while Emma has a full-time job and Neal a part-time one. It’s not the same,” he insisted. 

“I wanted to keep him. I wanted to be his mother and be there for his first steps, his first words, his first everything. I let him go and he found you and I’m glad, but I still let him go not knowing what would become of him,” she sobbed. No matter how much time passed, or however many days she spent with her son or how much she thought she’d healed, having abandoned him was a wound that would never stop bleeding. 

“Hey, hey, It’s alright, I’m here,” he whispered against her ear as he wrapped his arms around her. Only in that moment she realized that the car was no longer moving. “It wasn’t your fault. You told me so yourself. You wanted him, but were forced to let him go. It wasn’t your fault.”

“You don’t know… you weren’t there… I should have been stronger,” she hiccuped. Her sin was too big to be simply excused away. 

“Then why don’t you tell me? Tell me what happened and I’ll honestly tell you if it was your fault,” he suggested.

“I… I need some tea first. Are we at my place yet? I can make some and then I can tell you,” she said, sniffling. 

“Yes, lead the way,” he said as he got out of the car.

In the end, he was the one to make the tea because her hands were trembling and he didn’t deem it safe to let her handle boiling water. Once they were both sitting on the couch with a warm cup in their hands, she started talking.

“My mother got sick when I was 13. Breast cancer. She was still so young that she didn’t think she needed regular check ups, and when she found out it was too late. We tried everything we could, but she died just two years later.”

The worst part hadn’t just been her dying. It had been watching her fade day after day, her condition always worsening despite all the treatment she was getting. She wasn’t sure when exactly Belle had realized her mother wasn’t going to make it, but waking up every day with that knowledge had completely crushed both her and her dad. 

“My father didn’t know how to deal with it. The worse my mother got, the worse he started to behave. Not in front of her, never in front of her, but when she was at the hospital and we were home alone he ignored me, or was straight out mean sometimes. He started drinking, and when I lost her, I lost him too. It was like he didn’t care about anything anymore, not even me. I think he hated everything that reminded him of her, including me. One day I got back home and found him putting all of our stuff in boxes. He told me we were moving to the States. I barely had the time to say goodbye to my friends before he dragged me an ocean away.”

Gold listened, dumbfounded. He could barely imagine the kind of trauma and pain she’d gone though at that time. 

“When we got to Augusta I stuck out like a sore thumb. I moved into a new high school halfway through the school year, so I was the only one struggling to adapt to a new place, and I was too lost in my grief to go out of my way and make friends. I was alone most of the time. There was one boy, though, who never stopped trying to get a date out of me. I turned him down at first, because I felt too sad to date anyone, but eventually I told myself I had to move on, and gave him a chance. Soon enough he was the only one I talked to, the only person in my life beside my dad. When he started pressuring me into having unprotected sex, I was too afraid he’d dump me to tell him no. I didn’t want to be alone again. I knew it was risky, but I didn’t fully realize it until my period skipped. I panicked and told him, and he dumped me, saying he wasn’t even sure it was his kid after all. I don’t think he believed that, I think he just wanted to hurt me. A couple of days later, the whole school knew I was pregnant. He had told everyone about it, while adding a bunch of lies to the mix, all to humiliate me.”

People had stared and pointed at her, at the weird outsider who got herself knocked up, calling her stupid and a slut. Every time she didn’t think things could get any worse, they immediately did.

“I think my father was the only one who didn’t know. I tried to keep it hidden from him for as long as I could, because I was afraid he’d make me have an abortion, and I didn’t want to. I thought that if I could just hold on until the baby had grown enough, he wouldn’t be able to force me to get rid of it.”

“What happened when he found out?” he asked, fearing her answer. 

“He lost his mind. He screamed and shouted and for the first time I was even worried he’d hit me. He told me I was a disgrace, that he was ashamed to have me as a daughter, and that since it was too late to get rid of it I’d have to give my child up for adoption if I wanted to keep living under his roof,” Belle said, her lower lip trembling with the effort of holding back the tears. 

“I didn’t know where to go. I had no friends, no other family members in town that could help me, and I wasn’t even out of high school yet. If he’d kicked me out of the house… I would have been homeless, without a job and with a newborn. What hope did I have? How long would it take before social services took Gideon from me? I knew that the younger the kid, the higher the chances of it being adopted, so I decided… I decided that giving him up straight away would be better. It would give him a better chance of finding a home, and it would spare me the pain of having him taken away when he was older. I never… I never would have wanted to…” she couldn’t continue anymore, her voice broken by sobs, and suddenly Gold’s arms were once again around her. 

“You were barely more than a child. You were alone and you were so brave. It wasn’t your fault,” he said as he held her, repeating it over and over again. She pulled back to look up at him, her eyes red and swollen from crying, and the tenderness she saw in his eyes made her heart ache. Gold had given her something she’d long forgotten. He’d  given her a family, something to care for and that cared for her in return. He’d given her a home and a sense of belonging, and maybe it was because she was already too emotional from crying so much, but she couldn’t hold back any longer: she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. He froze, and Belle felt her panic rise. She’d screwed everything up.

“Belle… what are you doing?” he asked, taking her face in his hands as he pulled back ever so slightly.

“I love you. I know it’s crazy and I know it only complicates things, but I do. I have for months. I know you probably don’t feel the same way, but I had to tell you.”

Gold was silent for what felt like an eternity, staring at her as if he couldn’t believe his ears.

“Then,” he said eventually. “Kiss me again.”

Without waiting for her shocked brain to process his words, he closed the distance between them, pressing his mouth against hers in a kiss that was nothing like their first. It was loving and passionate and made her toes curl. When they finally broke apart, he rested his forehead against hers. 

“I love you too.”

#Rumbelle #Rumbelle Big Bang #desperatemurph #Rumbelle fic #Gideon Gold #Chipped Beauty #Chipped Gold #Sara talks #Sara writes

[cedarmoons]

then what would be some asra/ziah fluff, of the domestic or headcanony kind, if you do not mind? :eyes emoji:

anon… marry me…

Asra and Ziah have known each other for eleven years, including the three years before the game starts.

Asra knew he was in love with Ziah when he saw her smile — really smile — for the first time. She had taken him to the cave that MC visits in book 7 to meet Tiamat; they had known each other for 2+ years at that point. By that point he had stopped considering her his teacher, and (he hoped) she had stopped considering him her apprentice.

First “I love you”s are exchanged in the cave, after Ziah meets up with Asra post-Coliseum arc in handle with care and they have a heart-to-heart about their relationship and what they want from it.

Ziah never used the phonograph on her own, but Asra would get her records and coax her into private little dance parties. She’s a terrible dancer, but he doesn’t care, and she gets better the more she dances with him. When she loses her memories, she dances with him much more frequently (always at her initiation, as a contrast to Asra initiating pre-amnesia) and he buys her a lot more vinyl records.

Post-Amnesia Ziah takes him swing dancing :)

Ziah taught Asra how to cook, and afterwards he often takes over cooking when he feels like doing something nice for her. This tends to translate into rice pudding for breakfast, because Asra usually wakes up before Ziah does and he has no concept of what is and isn’t a dessert food.

Their first vacation was to the Aransian archipelago (which I treat as Fantasy Greece), four years into knowing each other. Immortality tends to bring a lot of accumulated wealth, so Ziah could afford to just close the shop for extended periods of time and bring Asra to all these far-off locations to learn magic.

Ziah didn’t start showing vulnerability toward him until two years into knowing each other, a year after he���d moved in with her. When Asra woke up to see her wearing a bathrobe and her hair wrapped in a towel he was very confused, because she had never let him see her as anything less than Pristine before. (He liked it, though. Meant she was starting to trust him. He wanted to be worthy of her trust.)

Ziah and Asra always made sure not to go to bed angry at each other. If they had arguments or disagreements, they talked it out before retiring.  This is a habit that continues into Ziah’s amnesia. (Note: the only exception to this habit was their argument about freeing Muriel from the Coliseum.)

They’re both hella touch starved, so… 👀

You know that Prince of Egypt gifset where Moses brushes back Tzipporah’s hair and then kisses her temple and whispers “I love you”? that is the Essential Zisra Mood™ and they have both done that to each other on multiple occasions.

Both of them are messy af (they do the dishes and that’s about it) 

They both have the same terrible fashion sense, yet somehow Make It Work, which leads to frequent clothes swapping between them. Ziah always thinks Asra wears everything better than she does, and Asra thinks the same of Ziah.  

listen to a hozier album to get the entire zisra experience™

#replies #ziah #yall i love zisra sm #every time someone shows interest in zisra i gain 10 years to my life #Anonymous

[miafic]

Ah sorry I just saw that post requesting asks I was writing a paper but I was just wondering how you are doing? I know you said you scrapped a lot of the story because it didn't sound right and that had to have been stressful.

it would have been if my brain was letting me care about things haha. but im also pretty laid back in general so i was just like eh... not feeling this the way it is. it’s a couple thousand words, which is both a lot and not a lot at the same time. on a good day, that’s one sitting. maybe even half a sitting. and it’s taken me a month to force that out. and god’s like - what is it yall say? “this ain’t it, chief”? that’s the vibe im getting from him. 

so im just gonna stop and start over and see where it goes. if i can ever write anything ever again. im frustrated that the ideas are so solid. i could talk through the entire story literally RIGHT NOW, start to finish, if it was, say, in video form or if we were having dinner. i just have no motivation to write it. so im stuck waiting til the day where somebody up in heaven waves a magic wand and i write the first four thousand words in one sitting. (at least those words will probably be better than the ones i have right now.)

as for me personally - and thank you for checking in - im not great or terrible. but im definitely ready for tomorrow to be over. i think i’ll feel better once i can get out of this house and back into the swing of school (its spring break right now which normally would be fun and good but i am going out of my mind with these damn dogs - idk if you saw the post and its deleted now but i can explain if anybody’s interested. im dogsitting and basically its not going very well). i cant wait to go home and sleep in my own bed every night. tonight is the sixth night in a row that ive been away. thats the longest ive been away from home since december, and before that... i dont even know how long. at least ive been getting to go back for dinner and things

more specifically on how i am, right now im trying to make a gifset of jawn. im expecting it to be 3-4 gifs, and i already did the video recording part so like. it should take probably 20ish minutes right? probably less. and i just... cant do it. every time i go back to it, i just stare and stare and stare at it but i cant bring myself to actually work on it. i could have finished it two times over already. and i love making gifs. love it. but i cant. i cant write, i cant eat, i cant even get ready for bed. so im just sitting here. (thanks for giving me something that i can actually do

anyway. i feel like a big baby for complaining but i really feel so weird and i just want to be myself again.

also good luck on your paper logan ily!!

#mediocre-spook #ask Aly