#this is whats driving me to live rn

[cyrafoam]

part 1? of the skk past life au im working on!! more to come ofc :D

#this is whats driving me to live rn #i love them so much its scary #soukoku #soukoku fanart #soukoku comic #bsd chuuya #bsd dazai #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs chuuya #bungo stray dogs dazai #skk #skk fanart #im sketching out the night festival part of the comic rn #what will the game about ants be? idk but im putting my entire braincell into this #art i made #past life au

[astraystayyh]

if you had read the story of hind raghab, if you had seen the picture of the child hanging from a pole, its lower body shredded, if you had seen the boy carrying pieces of his brother in a body bag, if you had known the soul of my soul, the story of refaat, and the countless war crimes israel has committed just in 7 months then you wouldn’t stream the song skz is putting out with charlie puth, a zionist and overall bad human, and that israeli producer. you would send a clear message that zionism isnt welcome in any capacity in any medium and you wouldn’t want to fund people who support its hateful ideology. this isnt a matter of being a skz anti and im so fucking tired of people painting it as such. where do you draw the line for your morals?

#‘im just here for the kids’ they will be fine if you dont stream one song #and even it they wouldnt be it doesn’t matter because human lives prevail profit #i just saw a fanbase raising 3500+ for this song #do u know what this kind of money could do for a family of palestinians rn #im so livid and it’s actually crazy that there isnt a general consensus about boycotting this song as it has been for cocacola #what’s different? #maybe u saw that this song could actually chart so u dgaf anymore about palestinian lives???? #why would u even want skz to br associated with zionists in the long run??? #im so mad like this is driving me insane #charlie puth is a nobody too like 😭 FREE US OH MY GOD #stray kids

[rozugold]

The two times Dream recognizes Tommy

#c!tommy #dream smp #the end au #rozoodles #there’s a fic idea living in my head rn #one from dreams pov of the three notable times he sees Tommy #1) when Tommy breaks into prison 2) when he chases him in exile and 3) their final confrontation #(yea he would’ve seen him between 2 and 3 too but that’s not the main focus) #imagining dream feeling sooo pissed off seeing Tommy not scared of him for once has me feeling giddy ok #it drives him nuts and it’s what dooms him #I gotta make that animatic man rrraahgggdhhd #it’d explain all my thoughts so well #sorry the colors look weird. I don’t like coloring rn sjdhdjj

[hajihiko]

One of my VERY favourite ideas is when like. Family is supposed to look out for you, in theory, but they don't. And you just get used to that, you look out for yourself, etc. But then you meet the people who have no obligation to look out for you, but consistently choose to, and they pick up the slack you didn't realize was there. And it's just obvious to them. Of course I'd do that, in what world would I not?

#I'm projecting so hard onto the survivors rn #All their families SUCK but they belatedly get so much love from their peers and it's so overwhelming! #'I dont care that people touch me when I dont want them to' 'I care.' #'My personhood has always been second place' 'not to me!!' #'I never live up to what people expect' 'I like you as you are' #'I assume people will turn on me or hurt me' 'if they do I'll kick their ass' #And FINALLY: 'I'm nothing as myself.' 'You're everything to us' #ITS EMOTIONAL HOURS AND ITS ACTUALLY VERY HEALTHY FOR ME TO ENGAGE IN THAT SO EXCUSE ME #Not an art #I am so consistently lucky with the people in my life its drives me insane

[allofuswantgwinam]

it terrifies me the way so many people keep living without even batting an eye about the genocide that’s happening right in front of our eyes. i will never shut the fuck up about this.

#from the river to the sea #free Palestine #im so fucking pissed rn #was just havin a conversation with my mom and it did not go well #and i want throw up and cry #she makes me so mad #she knows this is wrong #idgaf if she’s scared of trump. idgaf if this is stressful and scary to her it is to me fucking too #which is why I will not ever stfu about this #or ignore this or forget what is going on #and live in comfort #I think the fuck not #I wanna fucking lose my shit rn but I’m not bc that won’t help anything #she’s already said before ‘I don’t have to know anything to know that it’s wrong’ so fucking accept what I have to say then #i pay attention #I know wtf is going on. let me be your fucking tool to help with this instead of getting upset with me!!!!! #she is being a coward #she knows this isn’t right. she’s being selfish #i understand it’s hard but like that’s why we fight #that’s what drives you. the outrage and pain you feel watching innocent people get murdered #I can’t understand her rn. im so done with people her age

[pepprs]

halfway thru my first drivers ed session. idk if i can do this aftually lol

#purrs #there’s like 30+ ppl in the class and most of them are high schoolers who already have like at least 20-30 hrs and i have 3. also the #instructor is really nice and means well but she is also a little clueless and she embarrassed me in front of everyone (or maybe i #embarrassed myself) bc she had us all introduce ourselves and say what we like to do and i said play video games and she was like oh are you #a bit of a gamer 👀 have you been to any of those conventions. LIKE 💀😭 NO I JUST PLAY SILLY LITTLE PET GAMES….. #but ajyways um. i don’t have enough driving experience to start behind the wheel lessons yet 💀💀💀💀💀 and we r watching videos rn and it’s so s #scary like istill have such trouble even maneuvering the car around how am isupposed to develop situational awareness and be driving on high #hihways and shit. this is so overwhelming. it’s like ‘every moment ur behind the wheel u and the ppl around u are at risk’ well idont want t #to be at risk or risk others lives. but also i need to move out. help 💔💖 #anyways this class has INSANELY long breaks (like 15+ mins thank god) and we might be able to end early every day too so. fingers crossed it #wont be that bad and i’ll actually retain stuff and learn to drive fucking finally. but im so scared #also on thursday we are watching a video depicting a graphic c*r cr*sh so. that’s just fucking great #drivers ed tag

[lemonyinks]

I feel as though so many people failed Lori.

#lori morning #legion of super heroes #losh #i am #so so bad with words so i can't articulate myself rn #but it drives me nuts #and like i don't even just mean the legion #they are kids too and they shouldn't have been responsible for her in the first place #but brande too and anyone else that may have been involved #they were all so negligent with her #you're telling me she didn't even have a legal guardian?? #did NO ONE think to get her properly settled and not jsut living out of their base?? #her situation is so sad and frustrating to me #i am so desperate to see what led to her being the time trapper #i would die for a spin off comic around her

[bbael]

Hey!! Just dropping in to say hello and hope you’ve been well! I wanted to share that I’ve seen some really cool moths lately!

How are your tomatoes doing? Have they bounced back from that storm you had?

Hi Elvi :') how have you been??? I can't believe you get to see such cool moths on the daily ;_; the healthy envy I have right now.... they are stunning!! Also what kinda moth is the first one?

My tomatoes are doing well! I actually thought the plant was done for but now it's got three little tomatoes (still green ofc) on the same branch that held the ones that got ripped off :O we had a crazy storm last week or so too but this time I was smart and got the plant inside lmaoo

Also I spent the weekend at a ranch and among the many critters I got to see there was this humongous frog , I thought you'd love to see it too!! (and a little sheep). The frog was oddly okay with people getting close to it....

Anyhow!! Hope you have also been doing great 🥹 thank you so much for dropping by with them moths, I appreciate it lots♡ love you!

#if you dont mind me asking! around what area are u living on rn? the flora & fauna are crazy... or maybe youre just druid-like and get #to see it all #the coolest thing i can spot if i drive a bit around where i live are COWS. cows for days... #asks

[binders-and-beanies]

.

#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated #can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all #tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump #hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much #and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context #it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten #literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch #which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed #literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is #it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night #I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired #and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled #in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout #and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do #it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back #I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them #and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe #and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos #but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications #both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking #and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me #I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it #this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening #just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours #PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends #this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this #personal #mine #vent post

[jimmystrudel]

5 year dog plan updates: I think I've identified a breed (and 3 potential breeders), I have more clearly figured out what I don't want and what my life style will not fit and most important I need more experience with dogs in general

#so over a year ago i started doing research on owner training a service dog and i was in contact with a GSD breeder who had a puppy left #over from their last litter who was very hamdler engaged (this obviously fell through because i realized i was just too short on time before #uni and now knowing more about temperaments and genetics i wouldn't go gsd but this was a great breeder) #with what i know know i a) do not want a herding breed it would be incredibly overwhelming and b) would prefer a medium sized dog (if i find #a poodle or lab breeder I'm obsessed with I'd still go that route unfortunately my fav poodle breeder with multi sd's in their line/ #offspring is in Arizona and that's basically a no go #my favourite dogs are mid sized gun dogs which do not make good prospects (see the stinky girl in her window bird watching rn) i also have #tons of experience with a Brittany spaniel and know my personal dream dog is very similar (slightly lower energy and prey drive) which puts #show-line English springer spaniels as the breed I'd be happy with and while they do great as police sniffer dogs and therapy dogs there #aren't tons as service dogs because they can be too high energy and unfocused (i know that their energy would not be a big issue if we #create good settling habits) and i really appreciate them being soft mouthed for certain tasks and my apartment is very close to tons of #river paths so we are good for breed specific enrichment and fun #i just really want more dog sitting experience and to sit in on training sessions with other people over the next few years #because I've stalked ess breeder who is so transparent and has tons of show experience and does incredible socialization #they would also just be really good people to talk to about the breed #i just there are reasons the popular breeds are popular but i find herding dogs incredibly overwhelming and labs and goldens put everything #in their mouths and end up sick from it (I've also mcas reactions after petting all the goldens in my neighborhood) #and poodles are smarter than me and i am a low maintenance grooming girl (i could handle shave done with poms though) #i have no poodle experience outside badly bred Doodles #of popular breeds the one I'd work best with is a bernese mountain dog but they are a grooming challenge and I'm going to live in a smallish #apartment and exclusively use public transit (the fab 3 would also struggle a bit with this since they are mid-large(

[imagineagreatadventure]

Pretty much all of my friends think I should move next year when my lease ends 😩

#all of them: move to LA so you can be by the beach and just get a break #but like ew driving 😑😑😑 #i do have a few friends out there but god #but maybe it would be good for me?? #idk i just feel like i have my life (ok my doctors) built here #and i am just so tired #obviously not making decisions for at least six months about literally anything rn #but i dont know what to do you know #esp when i am 🥲🥲🥲 #personal #also they also picked LA as the place bc of the friends but also the general vibe #but idk i think i could live there for max 3 years without going nuts #grief

[salsflore]

whenever i make plans in my head (that i don’t tell anyone about) it fucks me up so severely i am unable to function srsly

#my plan for tonight was to sleep alone in the living room but now we have guests sleeping there and its driving me MAD #i don’t even know what’s wrong with me i’m so BUMMED!!!!! #when i plan to stay home all day and my mother wants me to go out for an hour it fucks me up so severely omg #you need to tell me shit like a day or two in advance so i don’t lose my mind from the upset #if its major like a friend hangout i need a week's advance to prepare for the horrors #i'm telling u i'm so frustrated rn i think its just my period but in general i HATE having guests over...!!!!!! #only because we're in the philippines and the only guests we're having are our rude + Super Inconsiderate & Noisy relatives #the guests we have rn.. they're okay but Super touchy and I Don't Like Touchy #💭 #negative #cw rant #lord this is so stupid

[cinna-bunnie]

WHY ARENT YOU IN THE NORTHEAST ME AND MY FRIEND GROUP WOULD ABSORB YOU INTO OUR FAMILY AND MAKE SURE U ALWAYS FELT SEEN FOREVER AND EVER AAAHHHH

i love u 😩 everyone who is so so nicey to me and wants to see me often live so far (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠)

there r a few groups here I'm a part of but most of the members live IN the city so i can't make most of the meetups. pls can we meet somewhere w free street parking that doesn't take an hour to drive to even though I'm only 9 miles away...

#maybe when i move to my next place I'll try organizing an event there. but hm #i am betting 95% of them don't drive n would have to bus over or somethn. idk 😐 Greater [City] Area livin sucks sometimes! #though not as bad as actually having to live in the city 😮‍💨 the closer u are to downtown the worse everything is lol #anyways yeah im just in a weird transitional period >.< dw abt me ♡⁠ i just can't go out as often as I'd like #after i move things won't b as expensive n i can be the lil social butterfly i am 🦋 it's been reassuring to see how many ppl r #sweet to me n love to talk to me n stuff when i go run my little errands ‹: more often than not something nice happens when i go out #i think i mainly just need to be able to go out more lmao. but i can't rn so idk!!! working w what i have but trying not 2 burden anyone #by being too needy n Relying on them 😩 but they're not rly the emotionally available type so i couldn't even if i tried

[numberfiveisback]

"New year new me" I say, still an unmotivated, lazy, sarcastic, high-chasing, financially unstable, depressed/manic, insomnia ridden, mentally emotionally and physically compromised bastard of a human being

Truly the mind of man is incredible and tragic and breathtaking and cruel. My thoughts run wild and I'm free to be embraced by the forces of the night. Some are kind, some are dangerous. Who knows? Maybe my mind will shut up for once and let me fuckin SLEEP ALREADY

If I have a nightmare tonight istg I will fist fight Ohio

#vent #live laugh love the crippling depression and self hatred #I need therapy #I'm also in Ohio rn #that might be contributing but who tf knows #happy new years #every night I stare into the void and I wish the void would speak to me #maybe I have no purpose or drive. maybe it's not my fault. perhaps I'm merely insane #what is insanity if not the opposite of normal #and what is normal if not incredibly boring #I've experienced hell and yet I still fail to be truly afraid of it #I'm not high rn I swear #I learned my lesson #4am thoughts

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data #which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done #for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior #so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip. #also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a #collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things. #and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more #devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close #bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the #country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will #instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a #different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad #a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi #intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see #them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize #the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b #doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped #that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying #less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating #unrelated

[pepprs]

update i have to apply for my own job for the SECOND time in two years by wednesday and im taking my learners permit test on friday which means i have to finish absorbing the drivers manual by then. the way i am LONGING to walk into traffic.

#the driving thing is just extra stress but the applying for my own job AGAIN thing is making me absofuckingLUTELY insane. this process was #so psychically damaging for me to go through a year ago and the fact that exactly a year later i am doing it again and have to jump thru all #the same hoops and write a new cover letter and find new references and INTERVIEW with my colleagues and all that… like i appreciate this so #much bc basically what is happening is im getting a raise and will be converted to a regular employee (im contractual rn bc that’s all they #could do when i graduated). but like the fact that i am once again under the MORTIFYING psychic stress of my colleagues being the search #committee and me being u able to talk to them abt this or get reassurance and them having to treat me like they don’t know me and this not #being guaranteed and other people potentially applying and me having to compete with them… it is too much fucking stress for me to go #through. it’s just too fucking much. i am so mentally and emotionally exhausted and now i have to walk through fire AGAIN⁉️⁉️⁉️ i wanna KMS #like it’s fine. but also the existential dreaddddd the way i cannot bear to live through this one more time but i have to and im going to. 😍 #purrs #delete later #like i get it and i know it’s to make it fair and equitable. but whyyyyy do they have to put me through this again have i not proven myself #time and time again is this job not QUITE LITERALLY designed for me to be in it. and it’s not merely an annoyance it’s like… actively a #stressor that is taking years off my life just like it did last year and the timeline is even more accelerated bc last year i had two weeks #to apply and this time i have FIVE DAYS!!!!! and i have to reach out to references and i can’t do that until monday bc it’s the weekend 😭😭😭😭 #like LMFOAHDHSKDHSODHAJJB of course this is happening to meeeeee im going fucking insane. also i might have to do this a THIRD time someday #and i would have to get a masters degree for that too. so basically the only path forward is CEASELESS suffering and psychic agony. there is #no hope for women. fuck my stupid baka life. but also this is a good thing and also i have it sooooo good which is soooo unfair to everyone #else for example possibly wasting everyone else’s time who applies for this job. but also fuck my stupid baka life. #technically im applying for this job for the second time in 365 days. like it’s not even two years it’s that i did this a year ago and now a #year later im doing it again. LESS than a year later. it hasn’t even been a full year yet. help 😻👍 #if february 9 2022 me fucking knew what HORRORS awaited her 24 hours from then and 3 months from then and 5 months from then and 15 months f #from then. she would have imploded LMFAOOOOOOOO