#this isn't like a dean hate post it's more about sam and like. i can't talk about s9 sam without being dean critical lol

[according2thelore]

LITERALLY that "dad I'm gay and stronger than you" post had me like ..! my friend and I have been screaming for A Week Straight about the concept of Actual Child Monarch boykingofhell!Sam manifesting his powers early on and just. he and Dean figuring this is probably just another one of those Things We Don't Tell Dad. like, Sam who always knows where the radar traps will be on the interstate, and Sam jedi-whammying the motel clerk into forgetting their overdue payments... John flipping his absolute shit when he finds out; Sam being like "you can't stop me" and John being like "... You're /twelve/, yes, I can" and Sam being like "uh. you're just a guy, dad. I have all of hell at my disposal. do your worst, I guess???" John figuring that if he can't exorcize the hell outta Sam, he can at least make sure Sam can't get out of hell; telling Dean that he really tried but that the demonic forces killed Sam before John could save him; smash cut to early-20s Dean in his first year of solo hunting encountering a crossroads case, where the vics freak out anytime they're alone with him because "can't [he] see that massive fucking hellhound trailing after [him]?!" and the crossroads demon who can't believe who they're looking at when he finally gets them cornered. crossroads demon who smokes out under exorcism, but not before telling Dean "your brother wants to see you"

...anon...holy shit anon...

you are so correct!!

i think that in this situation (growing up with (to his knowledge) a dead sam, and a dad that "let" him die) dean would be more than passively suicidal. he doesn't care about himself, he failed. sam is dead. dean gets reckless, but he just barely avoids dying more than once, just a hairsbreadth.

he drinks until he can't walk straight, gets in the car, and wakes up in the motel parking lot. he goes half-cocked into a werewolf hunt, and he's sure that there's a werewolf behind him about to take him out (and isn't going to stop it, not really), but when he finally gets his finger around the trigger and turns around, the werewolf's ten feet away looking blank and confused. he puts a nominal effort into stitching up a bullet hole, doesn't even bother digging the slug out, and passes out in a random motel. next morning, the bullet's on the nightstand, and the stitches are even and tight. it's not enough to be completely concerned--hell, dean's borderline black-out drunk at any given moment, can't remember the last time he was completely sober--but it's...weird.

animals suddenly hate his fucking guts. dean used to tease sammy about it, about the fact that animals seemed to love dean and hate sammy. they would cringe away from sam's touch, skitter out from under his feet. birds would land on the impala if dean was driving, deer would poke their heads out of the woods if he walked past. but now...dean can't remember the last time he even saw a dog.

they just...flee. even at witnesses' houses, dean sees food bowls and chew toys and hears nails clacking on wood upstairs, but they tuck tail and run as soon as he knocks on the door.

after that first case, that first crossroads case where they name the thing, a Hell Hound...dean thinks it's bullshit. he's heard of black dogs, but this is new. it's weird.

he names it hooch. he and sam had seen that movie at a drive-in one summer, and he figures he's kind of fighting crime, right? he jokingly orders an extra patty on his burger and leaves it out for his imaginary dog, and the next morning it's gone. on the next hunt, the vampire doesn't even come within fifteen feet of dean before something rips its leg off at the knee.

when he calls the demon, it keeps looking down at dean's feet warily, back and forth, like something is pacing between them, something low. the demon keeps giving vague non-answers, distracted, and dean slaps his thigh, calls, 'hooch. down, boy.' and the demon...stops.

then those words...your brother wants to see you your brother wants to see you yourbrotherwantstoseeyou YourBrotherWantsToSeeYou.

dean is apoplectic. he finds the colt, finds the gate, heads into hell without a second thought, muttering to hooch the whole way (you better fucking rip some demons up you lazy son of a bitch).

sam's eyes are yellow, all the way through. bright yellow. he's huge. grown. beautiful. it's everything dean never thought he'd get to see. he dreamed about sam being this old, about sam having hands that dwarf a machete handle, of shoulders that blot out the stars.

sam doesn't react at first, knows that dad sent dean on a solo hunt before it all went down, but doesn't know how much dean knew about it, about dad locking him down here. dean doesn't even question why he's on a throne, why demons flank him on either side, heads bowed, why no demons even tried to stop dean from getting here, why they flinched away from him like something would swoop out of the dark and steal them if they brushed his shoulders.

"sammy," dean says--begs, really--for the first time in years, sam's smile falters. his eyes are hazel again, and his bottom lip trembles, and dean begs, "come with me, come home. please."

maybe it works, and they leave, and dean pulls sam into a hug so vicious that they both cry. maybe sam works from afar, and they relearn each other. their first hunt is ripping john winchester's head from his shoulders and trading kisses in his blood.

or maybe it doesn't. maybe dean stays, because they won't be separated like this, not again. the world's got other hunters, and dean has sam, and the rest of it can go fuck itself.

and sam has the life he's always wanted: power. respect. love. dean. (those last two are the same, really). and a dog, that keeps stealing dean's shoes.

anyway anon...much to think about...i love this...and you, coincidentally, mwah.

you and your friend galaxy-brained this one i fear.

-lizzy

#ask box #boy king of hell sam winchester #lizzy answers #wincest #wincest fanfiction #lizzy writes

[wellofdean]

Just wanted to split this off from this post about why Mary Winchester is excellent because it's getting so long, but I wanted to respond to these tags from @kayliemalinza :

#sometimes i feel people hate john for reasons that while valid in our universe less valid in the spn universe#but mary gets it way worse#<-- prev tags yessss#also doing the math wasn't she like 28 when she died#i'm glad they didn't recast and of course samantha smith looks her own age#but mary is in fact YOUNGER THAN SAM AND DEAN AT THIS POINT#they are not children#and the tags copied above i think explains so sos ooo much#bc so many fans glommed onto dean because of similar family issues#and that means they are struggling as much as dean is in s12#and just can't disconnect that quite yet#but god#GOD how she struggles with that emotional intimacy#she was raised as a hunter you don't think she's chockablock full of maladaptive coping mechanisms too?

Because I whole-heartedly agree with this. John Winchester was not a good father in some major, major ways, and Sam and Dean had a childhood straight out of a...well, a horror/fantasy genre show...but I think people forget that Sam and Dean also do truly love John and truly are more or less at peace with their memory of him later in the series, and there has to be a reason for that, too. It's not that he's a mustache-twirling villain; it's complicated. He loved them, but he wasn't always able to do it right. They love him, but he hurt them and made the what they are, which is a double-edged sword.

It's really natural that we all identify with Dean, and get angry at people who hurt him, but I think it's important to realize that Dean processes his anger about Mary leaving pretty quickly, because it's not really anger and resentment, it's confusion, disappointment and hurt. And I think Dean is grown enough to own his own feelings, and able to accept that she needs time and space, and he's not such a child that he isn't capable of separating his legitimate feelings from her legitimate needs. It takes him time, but he gets there, because, and this is another conversation, Dean is really very reflective and emotionally intelligent, actually.

I also do agree that a lot of fans, in identifying with Dean, map their own feelings about their parents onto Mary, and dislike her for reasons that have nothing to do with the story being told on Supernatural, which is essentially a very healing one. Since I'm a Gen-X old, and the mother of an adult son, I actually had a pretty different experience, and as much as I love Dean, in this storyline, I identified a lot with Mary.

On the one hand, she has to be so proud of her two big, beautiful, brave and heroic sons, but at the same time she does not know them! They don't need her, and they are trying to protect her from the things she feels they should have been protected from, and at the same time, as adult men who are still, in some way, motherless boys, they are hungry (especially Dean) for her to be something that she never had a chance to grow into. I loved it that her own exigencies were too strong to LET her stay. I loved that she could not accept the role of mother that had been stolen from her, and could not sit still to let it just kind of settle on her shoulders.

It made me think that (aw yeah!) there was a difference between John's sainted white nightgown conception of his dead wife (his motivation to be what he was), and Dean's memory of her as the cutter off of crusts from his sandwiches, or the mother that he comforted when she was sad, and he was just a little man. I'm so glad that Mary turned out to be so much more than that. She is a woman with her own competencies, her own damage and baggage, and her own ideas about how to make things right, who doesn't agree with her sons all the time, who makes mistakes, who fucks the wrong guy, still loves her problematic husband, and can't actually cook, thank you very much. I love that her own disorientation and her own will are so strong that she really can't allow who she actually is to be subsumed into the communal role of 'mother'.

I think that socially, we don't really think about what we ask of mothers, or how hard we judge them. We underestimate what they give up of themselves to satisfy that role. My son was born when I was really young, and fellas, IT WAS HARD under more or less perfectly normal circumstances, to make the transition from being just me to being a mother. My magnificent son is amazeballs, and is a human being that I am so fucking proud to have made out of my very own actual body and raised to be the excellent human he is, and we are really close, but I was not always prefect, and even now when he is a grown adult, I still chafe against the perception of me as 'his mother' and not just ME all the time. One of the very greatest things about my son is his incredible ability to let me live, and make space for the fact that I am also a person, and not just his mother, and I am so, so grateful to him for that, so....

Yeah. As much as I didn't want to see Dean hurt, I LOVED Mary, and love that they wrote her as her a full human being and not a tropally perfect mother. I loved seeing her as a flawed parent that deserved her adult children's understanding and mature love, who deserved her own space and her own processes. What's more, I loved seeing Dean process his feelings about her, and seeing him become a son who was capable of loving a real human woman who happened to be his mother. So... yes. I love her.

Mary Winchester forever. A+.

#Mary Winchester #Supernatural #spn #dean winchester #sorry y'all for another long ass post about this #but #I just have a lot of fucking feelings about Mary ok?

[franklespine]

[mentions of CSA and SA]

Am I procrastinating my assignment? Maybe. But there is something to be said about how queer-coded the character and narrative of Sam Winchester is and how it's so lost in its interpretation because he never really had a close homoerotic bond with another male character that people could ship him with. But to me (or at least in my interpretation), I feel the queer subtext surrounding his character goes deeper than that. Now, I would never get pressed about the sexual or gender identity labels that people interpret characters as, I obviously have no dictating force of authority. But for me, I don't necessarily even think that when it comes to queer subtext, it's even about labelling sexuality either.

I think a reason I enjoy the character of Sam and what drew him to me so much when I first started watching was how fundamentally different Sam is shown to experience love and sexuality. The show makes a point of how what Sam values the most about being with someone is a genuine connection with them. He hates strip clubs and the last time he went was because Dean paid for his lap dance and he spent the entire time striking up a conversation with the girl and convincing her that she should follow her passions to go into nursing. He's turned down women just looking for a lay on multiple occasions. In the episode Baby when he has a one night stand with a waitress they make a point to say how rare this actually happens with Sam. There is certainly an argument to be said about how Sam's trauma has shaped his view of love and sexuality, especially post getting his soul back from the Cage but its distinctly present in the early seasons too how much emphasis there is on Sam forming a genuine attraction and connection with the girls he gets involved with (Sarah, Madison, etc). I also would not say that Dean is in any way a baseline for the average male experience of love and sexuality (though it's not like I could verify that), but such characteristics of Sam are more greatly accentuated when they are compared to Dean (and same vise-versa).

But this isn't even queer subtext, this is just the actual text surrounding Sam and how he peruses love and sexuality. Although to say 'peruses' it is probably a stretch as any situations in the show where Sam is the one getting with the weekly damsel seem to more be situation that fall into his lap, as opposed to him actively seeking them out. What I would say is actual queer subtext is the treatment of his whole storyline about being a freak, having demon blood and his resulting obsession with religious purity. Feeling fundamentally different to your family, to everyone else. Above everything else just wanting to feel accepted and a sense of belonging - of being normal. Being essentially kicked out and cut off from his family for wanting to live an alternative life to the one they wanted him to. Being literally hunted by religious fanatics because of something he can't control. Sam's non-conformity with typical macho-masculinity being the butt of jokes for 15 years (even though it's just stuff like... having longer hair and knowing the story of Cinderella). It would literally take weeks to unpack all of this (and the many other examples that I could've put here). And are there issues with readings of specifically the demon blood arc as an analogy for queer experiences? - obviously. The way it's told through beginning with Azazel feeding Sam his blood, something which feels like such a violation of his very being - explicitly talked about using the language of CSA ("you are my favourite" vs "you ruined my life"; saying Mary "walked in" on them... vomit vomit vomit) - all of it reads like saying sin and sexual violation is the root of queerness, which is obviously blatantly untrue and problematic. But then later we have Sam in s4 making something good out of his abilities, because despite their source - they're his to reclaim. Unfortunately though this doesn't really pan out well as Dean calls him a monster for such reclamation and it turns out Sam's desperation to do good has been exploited to turn around and do the opposite, and this plotline also got abandoned. Then there is Lucifer, which is a whole other gross SA implications can of worms. The fact is, with everything that has happened to him how could Sam even begin to try to reclaim love and sexuality? That's what makes a queer reading of his character so fascinating and complex to me.

Unfortunately I don't exactly have the eloquence or the time to truly portray what I mean here - the way I see my own labeless queer experiences and internal struggles reflected in Sam, but this is all to say that Sam probably has one of the most queer coded narratives that I've ever seen (although not without its faults) and that's because it's not built on romantic or sexual tension with another character but just on what it means to be queer. What it feels like. And also hooray for death of the author. Characters are interpreted differently by different people because everything is filtered through the frame of our own existence. Who would've thought.

#supernatural #spn #sam winchester #queer!sam

[confusedkittensposts]

Lazarus Rising

Watching Road so far: I don't know anything happening, except Dean got killed by a hellhound (was it more than one?)

Jensen's eyes are soo pretty.

*practically vibrates with excitement as windows and glass shatter knowing that's technically Cas, even if I haven't seen him yet*

I love how offended he looks when Bobby throws holy water at him.

I hate that white shirt Sam is wearing.

I fell like Sam and Dean are constantly lying to each other. Aren't they

What happened to Pamela was her fault, I have zero sympathy for her.

I would really like to know what exactly Cas was trying to say to Dean.

And who encouraged him to try and talk to Dean in his true voice again.

Was Cas like, I just rebuild him, he probably isn't completely functional RN, I'll come back later.

WHY ARE THEY CONSTANTLY LYING, it's irritating.

I didn't know about Cas going to that diner and burning the eyes of the demons.

HE IS HERE

Misha was so small, he's like a kitten, I wanna warp him in a blanket, squish him.

"That was my mistake."

He's sooo cute, and sweet, I can't believe they lumped him with those horrors for next fifteen years.

I may have started this post say Jensen's eyes are pretty but I see Misha's and I stop thinking about anything else.

Blueeee

I never had a stronger urge to draw something.

#Lazarus Rising #spn 4x01 #my commentary #it was more fun than I expected

[dotthings]

Here's my post about Dean and the hunting life and unreliable narrators to pair with my Sam post.

In S4 while a demon manipulates Sam, angels are manipulating Dean. In 4.17 It’s a Terrible Life (written by Sera Gamble), after a despairing Dean confesses to Cas at the end of 4.16 On the Head of a Pin that he can’t do what the angels want, he’s not strong enough, Zachariah tries to nudge Dean to play his role by plunking him and Sam into a corporate boredom life Dean doesn’t want, and then tries to shame him into playing the role Zachariah wants him to play.

ZACHARIAH But after the unfortunate situation with Uriel, I felt it necessary to pay a visit. Get my ducks in a row. DEAN I am not one of your ducks. ZACHARIAH Starting with your attitude. DEAN Oh, so, what? This was all some sort of a lesson? Is that what you're telling me? Wow. Very creative. ZACHARIAH You should see my decoupage. DEAN Gross. No thank you. So, what? I'm just hallucinating all this? Is that it? ZACHARIAH Not at all. Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories. DEAN Just to shake things up? Hm? So you guys can have fun watching us run around like ass clowns in monkey suits? ZACHARIAH To prove to you that the path you're on is truly in your blood. You're a hunter. Not because your dad made you, not because God called you back from hell, but because it is what you are. And you love it. You'll find your way to it in the dark every single time and you're miserable without it. Dean, let's be real here. You're good at this. You'll be successful. You will stop it. DEAN Stop what? The apocalypse, huh? Lucifer? What? Be specific, man. ZACHARIAH You'll do everything you're destined to do. All of it. But I know, I know. You're not strong enough. You're scared. You got daddy issues. You can't do it. Right? DEAN Angel or not, I will stab you in your face. ZACHARIAH All I'm saying is it's how you look at it. Most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them. You get to change things. DEAN turns away. ZACHARIAH Save people, maybe even the world. All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. This isn't a curse. It's a gift. So for God's sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around. There are plenty of fates worse than yours. So are you with me? You wanna go steam yourself another latte? Or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are?

“This isn’t a curse. It’s a gift.” Notice Zachariah trying to glamorize hunting at Dean when it’s canonically traumatizing, dangerous, and often miserable, and telling Dean to “quit whining” and suck it up because there are people worse off, while Zachariah reduces Dean’s entire personality to nothing but the hunt, referencing perks that are a simplistic take on who Dean is—the facade not the whole person. There's something not right here.

Zachariah also isn't entirely incorrect. Dean does love hunting and he does always find his way back to it and Dean’s good at it, and they get to save people. The manipulative villains in SPN often use a core thread of truth and then twist it.

But much as it’s true about Dean’s affinity for hunting, Dean’s questioning of hunting, his conflicted feelings, his love and resentment for it, the brutality of that life that SPN self-evidently shows us, has been a long-running theme in every era of SPN. Dean yearns for and thinks about things beyond just hunting. Which doesn't include working as a suit. Zachariah picks that to push Dean towards hunting, it's not meant as an exploration of Dean's deep wants and needs beyond the hunt.

Dean would never be content leaving hunting for good, but he does have an ongoing love/hate relationship with it, and it’s not all he is.

He’s more than just the hunt and the kill. Deep down Dean has known that all along, but fears that’s all he is. Zachariah was wrong. For Dean, hunting is a curse AND a gift and it never has been all gift or all curse for him.

#Dean Winchester #Dean meta

[scoobydoodean]

“Loving Dean is a curse that gets other people killed.”

This breaks my heart because this is definitely how Dean sees himself and I hate that for him. I hate that people made him feel that. I hate that the toxic masculinity was so fucking strong that Dean never would’ve bought into therapy. I hate what was done to Dean and how those voices now live inside him and he can’t stop them.

I extra hate it because it was the first time I ever saw a character and saw myself. The difference is that I had someone who loved me enough to push me to do the work and heal. Nobody ever loved Dean enough to live or to actually support him through the work of healing.

Ngl—I don't think toxic masculinity is really Dean's problem? That isn't to say I don't think Dean is a victim of toxic masculinity or that toxic masculinity doesn't affect his life. I just think "Men aren't supposed to feel x" is pretty rarely the reason Dean suppresses something from my perspective.

I actually think when Dean suppresses things (which I think he actually does far less—or at least less effectively—than Sam or Cas) it's usually with quite a lot of awareness about what he is doing (I have a post I need to make about this related to 3.10), and it's because he genuinely cannot afford to fall apart, or feels that he can't afford it. Throughout the whole show, Dean is actively in a war zone or he's repeatedly being thrust back into one and has to be ready to react at any moment. Take season 4—where Dean is freshly returned from arguably the most traumatic experience of his entire life, and is immediately saddled with an apocalypse in which he unwittingly and unwillingly plays a starring role. I haven't had very many experiences I would consider traumatic (and certainly not on Dean's scale), but the one that stands out was not a situation I was mentally capable of healing from while I was still trapped in the situation that was causing me that distress. I had to get out first. 15.19 does set Dean up to escape the war zone, but then 15.20 rips away his right to choose his own path (until The Winchesters) by killing him and writing through decades of time where Dean's feelings and voice are utterly silenced.

I think everyone has their own vision of what healing looks like for Dean. I think for a lot of people, healing looks like a deancas reunion. For one of my friends, healing looks like Dean leaving Sam and Cas behind forever and making his own path away from them jahgdjabjdfnj. For others, it looks like retirement and maybe therapy.

I think tbh the show itself ruined "Dean goes to therapy" for me (especially with 13.04) and also the idea of me really dictating Dean's path at all? (And when I said that to a friend, she said "So Dean is really a real person to you, huh?" jshbfjhsbdajhfb) but I think it's that... what I want for Dean after years of being objectified and used and having his voice silenced, is freedom and endless possibilities—including freedom from my own vision of his ultimate fate? It's so strange because it's almost as if the finale thinks it gave me that with the open road Dean drove along. Yet in reality, it gives me the stifling, nightmarish antithesis—a Dean devoid of determination who looks and feels like he has utterly given up and is just swept along by the tide, silenced, moving through a void, painted with forced happiness/contentment that doesn't feel real. For me, The Winchesters renewed that flame in Dean, but what I want for Dean—personally—looks probably more like... Dean having a knock-down-drag-out vicious fight with almost everyone in his life one by one, where he advocates for his own interest and his right to be heard, and well... wins. 🤭 And then goes on to do absolutely whatever the fuck he wants.

I think Dean does know—he really does—where most of these intrusive thoughts originate from, and a part of him knows these judgements of himself aren't fair ("Dream A Little Dream Of Me" shows us a lot of Dean's awareness, as does "Sam Interrupted") but... hm... I guess for me personally, therapy isn't what I'm looking for for him. But I think it's completely valid that other people want to see that—especially when speaking from their own experiences and the joy they now have that they'd like to share with him.

#sorry i was a runaway train with this #mail #spn finale poo poo

[kerryweaverlesbian]

2023, cawis created...

Last year I made a post (which I cannot find) delighted to have published 81,932 words to Ao3 over 20 fics. This year I beat that with 111,227! 25 fics new last year! and that's not including poetry or things I only posted to tumblr! How wonderful!! I'm gonna do a little commentary on each of them (and I will thoughtfully put it below the cut because as I said there are 25. There is a "horny" section with some explicit quotes so just scroll past to the next heading if you don't want to see that lol.

Comedies I like to go hehehe hahaha

Stakes Aren't Just For Vampires Cas and Dean get high and silly "You're repulsive," Dean says by rote, and he isn't sure if he meant it to but it comes out cloying and sweet, like an affectionate nickname.

The first one I posted last year! It took me until March :0 I wrote this one. For maybe a slightly mean reason haha. I saw a fic where Cas did a bet for money and I was like ?? why would CAS care about getting money?? So I tried to think of a situation where he would make a bet and this one materialized!

Did you notice! I used the old reliable Rule Of Three to make the ending of Dean not sure if he said "I love you" or just thought it more potent? He thinks and then immediately says what he's thinking twice before: Cas is perfect/"You're perfect" - Dean wants to kiss him/"I want to kiss you" - and then: "I love you Cas," he thinks he says. I chose "1000 dollars" from the CBBC comedy sketch show Stupid sketch where 2 old ladies ask how much something costs and it's a normal amount and they mishear as "A thousand pounds?! You can't expect me to buy a bun for a thousand pounds. Shame on you!! I am taking my business ELSEWHERE!". The comments won't all be this long lmao (<- edit: she's wrong)

I'll Drink To That Sam and Dean both come out as bisexual at the same time late in life and they're both flabbergasted "What, do you think about how every friend we have would be in bed?"  Dean tips his head to the ceiling thoughtfully and Sam wants to melt into the floor.  "You're horrible. I hate you. I hate spending time with you." 

The SECOND one I posted last year!! I had to cut off a joke where it's suggested that Cas may have had sex with Jesus Christ (but it's very possible he's just messing with Dean) for the sake of flow. First fic I chatted with @homoangel about so I always think of him when I think of this fic <3

I'VE CRAWLED FURTHER INTO THE VCR Cas's dream of being vored by the VCR machine is finally realised Intricate, high effort collaboration, all for the relatively unimportant end of entertaining other humans for somewhere around an hour and a half. The entire enterprise amounts to making pleasing shapes and noises for each other. Fruitless. Pointless...To spend months, years even, producing something, the only purpose of which is to waste more time…the decadence was astounding. [horny]

Speaking of fics that make me think of my friends! Wrote this for dear @castielsprostate's 1k event. Get weird get wild!! He is THE teevee angel and I love him I love him I love him for it!!!!!!

Tragedies Auogh ouch ow ouchies. Hehe <3

The Aftermath Dean and Cas have sex. It was great. Dean can't let it happen again. "He wonders - and he shouldn't, but - he wonders if Cas will sit here again, later, feeling out the absences that Dean is going to leave behind."

The THIRD one I posted this year!!! I went directly from silly silly silly to "[Dean] is a practical man, always has been. If there's something behind you that would kill you to look at it, you just don't look at it.". I think this is one of my best (<- guy who is going to say this about most of her fics sajbfhsv. I wouldn't post them if I wasn't proud of them!!)

Time/Body Problem Cas and Dean make out in the car before Cas's date in Heaven Can't Wait. It doesn't change anything. he's all sensation now, mind-body-time melted together like carved figures on a wax candle.

I wrote this and Aftermath on the same day. I was THINKING about how Dean and Cas so so so often ALMOST have it. Dean, here, is enthralled by the idea that Cas is human now and could want him (although, Cas definitely also wants him as an angel lmao but this is what Dean thinks) but also put off by it. When they kiss, he sees Cas as angelic, with a streetlamp halo, able to melt time, but when Cas is walking away from him, he's just some human guy who, crucially, can't save Dean anymore. Cas had reliably been the guy who could blast into any dangerous situation and come out on top (hot) and while that's not the only thing Dean likes about him, it WAS such a relief for scaredboy dangerlife Dean to have a guy who makes things SAFE. And now he can't. So the risk of making their relationship deeper feels even greater. Perhaps it is a selfish thought for Dean to want Cas to be able to rescue him still, but they're both in such perilous positions. He's worried for Cas too.

Oh did yous get the title by the way? It's like the mind/body problem which is, 'is the mind separate from the body or are they completely inextricable'? 'If I think of something sad and start crying while I'm hormonal, is that feeling from by body or from my mind' is how I understand it, but I'm not a philosopher haha. So time/body problem is like, all three of: Does their relationship need human senses and physical touch in order to be meaningful? Does Castiel's new experience of linear time (aka not being an angel) change how he and Dean relate to each other? And also, the more straightforward, they don't have enough time. Not to say I thought all that when the phrase came into my head, it's just bc I knew the phrase mind/body problem and mind slant rhymes with time, but that's why I liked it enough to use as a title haha.

Smoke Breaks series Dean and Cas share cigarettes at different points in their lives. Cas trails off, taking another long pull. He's going to smoke the whole thing at this rate, rude and overindulgent. Dean doesn't begrudge him, neither the cigarette nor the silence. He knows what he means. 

Someone told me in the comments that reading the first one fit exactly into their actual smoke break I was like WOAH :0!!! Smoking is, unfortunately, really sexy.......I keep trying to think of a way to add another fic to make this thing end on a positive note but the theme of smoking thwarts that haha. Inherently, it is about doing something you know is unhealthy and grey and makes you feel worse, like hunting, like endverse Cas's relationship with endverse Dean, like coming back to see the lover you hurt when you can't touch them or change anything, but it's always bitter sweet because you sometimes get that burst of relief. (That's not a commentary on smokers, just on the theme of smoking as used by this series!)

The last one I think drives that home most bluntly, "No amount of talking is going to change anything." but they still hold on to each other. Also in the last one, I just wanted them to be in kind of miserable surroundings and decided on a weird, dank, alice in wonderland themed motel room, which is a) something interesting to describe when I need space between dialogue and b) the ill-advised freaky looking murals of half-humanoid Wonderland characters is a reflection of how Castiel feels - not human enough, not Other enough, twisted out of shape and c) it 'reflects' (I'm about to do a pun) their relationship has gone 'through the looking glass' (teehee) from the understood 'brothers in arms' to a strange, uncertain place where the rules have changed.

Shaking Out The Nest John gets frustrated by Dean asking to visit Sam at college. "I talk a lot of shit, but [Sam]'s always gonna be family. He's..." the only reason I'm alive, same as you, John can't quite get to come out of his mouth, so instead he repeats, "He's good."

In the demon plane episode where it's revealed that John would rave about Sam getting a full scholarship to Stanford. I think about it SO MUCH. John loved his kids but that didn't make him a suitable parent. I wanted to explore those complicated emotions and the thought patterns that might lead him to what he does. Like I don't think it's deliberately thought out scheming malice that makes him say things that make Dean feel worthless. But he only sees him as a kid when he "fails" at being an "adult" (as in, when Dean disagrees with him) and he thinks it's his job as a parent to tell Dean to knock that off. He wouldn't see his reframing of Sam leaving to "He left both of us because of his pettiness" as playing them off against each other, even though he IS, he'd see it as telling the hard truth and trusting his son to be a grown up about it. John is very emotional and parenting just via your own emotions rather than being able to step back and go 'am I being fair? is this a reasonable response to what's actually happening?' leads to situations like John blaming Dean for the Schtriga incident or saying he should 'rot in jail' for stealing peanut butter.

Horny ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Close Zoom (too close) Dean and Cas make out for the first time while watching a movie. Cas gets overexcited. [Cas] replays the experience of holding Dean; the way his eyelids had fluttered shut with relief when their mouths first connected; the lean in by increments that ended with Dean on top of him....He wants to touch him. No, he amends the oft repeated thought, he wants to touch him again. 

I also wrote this inspired by going huh??? from another fic where they watch a movie together on a date on a first date and DON'T make out like. What are we doing here gang. If they are "watching a movie" and enjoy making out, then they ARE making out before the credits roll lmao. (In MY humble opinion!!!) Obviously chose The Mummy bc Dean's bisexual and I KNOW that man is showing Cas all his Formative To My Sexuality movies as a move to try and suss out what Cas's preferences are. The Lost Boys, Mr & Mrs Smith, Van Helsing, Labyrinth, Indiana Jones, Charlie's Angels, the list goes on.... Also my first installment with Cas having a bit of a pain kink (excited by the thought of a shock collar lol which I havvve been thinking about doing something more with.)

I have. by the way. a second work in progress where Cas gets wayyy more worked up than he was expecting and Dean is similar to here, slowing him down so it's not overwhelming, so look forward to it!!!!

Thunderstruck Cas has them struck by lightening while Dean sucks him off. HELL YEAH. Emanating from Castiel are intermittent bursts of white electric light, shocking across the black sky, sketching outlines of six invisible spread wings. That same light forms thin circular halos behind Cas’s head, some small, some so massive Dean can only see them in pieces. His eyes too - completely obscured by brilliant white light. He is radiant in all senses of the word. 

hehehehe. If your boyfriend can make it safe to be struck by lightening like you GOTTA do it just for the experience. I decided to have Dean not be like, blown away by it (but he is blown away by seeing a bit of trueform Cas) and instead find it just kind of weird but not bad to try and be true to life. sometimes you try something and don't love it or hate it and that's okay! Normal part of having sex. Sex is just another activity with lots of things you can do with it. That, and, it can't all be high points lol. That's why Cas is a little subdued when Dean says he only has 6 wings. peaks and valleys :)

The Feeling Is Enough Service top Dean :) "Cas - Cas, please...please can I come?" Cas doesn't say anything, just smiles up at him adoringly.

This one was bc @faithdeans lamented the lack of service top Dean destiel and I raced to his aid. Literally Dean would LOVE doing this.

Red Velvet Lines The Black Box Vampire!Dean sucking Cas's blood :) Cas is the only angel human enough to have workable blood.... And even if there were anyone else, Dean wouldn't want them. His is the only blood in Dean's veins.

This one was bc @domesticatedangel lamented the lack of vampire destiel smut and I raced to her aid. Castiel the rebel angel being horny over being given an order that he chooses to follow of his own volition? It's more likely than you think! The unmissable return of Castiel's pain kink lmao, even moreso in the second chapter. His penis! in peril!!!!!

The Girl Is Dead. Long Live The Woman. (Anna/Pamela*) Anna visits Pamela to find out what she wants and they have sex :) "I'm not used to - being part of things still. Being touchable. I didn't make the most of it, as a human. I didn't do enough. I was afraid. Embarrassed of my own feeling. I think I wasted my life."  "Be fair. You were a kid for most of it. You didn't know who you were." 

THIS one was because @honestlyhaunted lamented the lack of Pamela/Anna smut and I RACED to their aid. You may be noticing a theme. It's quite possible that if you sigh forlornly over a lack of erotica and I see it that something will be done about it. No promises though lol.

I tried to go for a more season 4 and 5 "everyone just fully states their unique moral philosophy out loud" vibe. And a "Pamela's disability actually affects her life in a practical way" vibe that the show itself elected to ignore. I DID get distracted a few times from my goal of "they have hot sex" because I got too invested in Anna's weird life. As I said in a comment response, Anna is the butterfly that wants to squash herself back into her cocoon. She went from being very emotionally present in her body as a human to having a very flat affect as an angel again (in part because she didn't feel the need to mask her autism anymore. Anna's autistic just like Cas and Hannah and people are not saying this!!!!). And, finally. I wanted a woman to have sex with a woman using a strap on because I hadn't done that yet LOL.

*If this ship was more prominent we could be calling it Pamelanna which is very fun to say.

The Dog, the Lamb and the Butcher Dean and Crowley are having sex during their summer of love and Cas is caught watching them >:3 Then again, fairness doesn't seem to be the watchword here. Dean's looking up at him with what could be adoration, but there's a wildness to him too, a sparkling mischief that undercuts any implied promise of loyalty.  "You like me, don't you Cas? You like me. Uhhn -" A groan born out of Crowley picking up the pace again, making Dean rock into the mattress, "You like me. You like me all the time, no matter what I do. You even like me now." 

Nobody asked for this I have no one to blame but myself. I love and adore the Dean who cannot speak his feelings no matter how much he wants to but there is always room in my heart for an overemotional Demon!Dean who says and does whatever he wants because he's lost the ability to care about the consequences. We could have had it alllllll.

Ask for it Cas caught casturbating by Dean. What happens next WON'T surprise you. His breathing is labored, and he's making quiet sounds of effort, which probably have something to do with the fact that his fingers are pushing in and out of the wet, open pussy between his legs. The pace doesn't slow at Dean's interruption, giving Dean ample time to absorb the image of Cas’s long fingers being swallowed to the last knuckle. 

I am asking here now. I am the one sighing forlornly. I don't CARE that there are already 232 accidental voyeurism destiel fics. MAKE MORE. SHOW ME MORE. SHOW ME MORE. I WANT TO READ MORE. MORE SHAMELESSLY SELF-PLEASURING CASTIEL AND/OR DEAN AND THEY DON'T HAVE A SOCIAL SCRIPT FOR THIS SITUATION SO THEY'RE JUST GOING ON INSTINCT AND THEIR INSTINCT IS TO BE CRAZY HORNY ABOUT IT. SHOW ME MORE!!!!!

Ahem. Or don't teehee. This was my most self indulgent smut (and that's really saying something!!!!). I highly recommend just fuckin going for it because it means I get to reread something all the time that is exactly suited to my tastes!! Hell yeah!!

Fluff :3 this is uwu-hat uwu've aww been uwu-ating fow :3

Pretty Wife Closeted to even himself genderqueer Dean inadvertently insists that he's Cas's wife. Neither of them are opposed! "I think I understand," Cas says, nodding to himself with his 'I got it' smile, "Yes. We are playing roles. I will 'take out the trash' while you 'sit there and look pretty'."

My kingdom for genderqueer dean. He's literally butch. Helloooo!!

Okay that's all for fluff. LOL. SORRY. I post most of my fluff directly to tumblr!!

Carefully Plotted!!! These are the big ones!!!!!!!! All three of these are "One of my best".

A Light Above Descending Cas gives Dean his Grace to calm his Mark of Cain rages. He assumes Dean doesn't remember what he tells him when he's being fed, so he allows himself to be kind. He assumes Dean would prefer that he quietly sacrifice his life for him. He assumes that he hasn't got any family left who love him. He's wrong. A rat gets what a rat gets, is the phrase that repeats in his head, although he can’t speak them over the pounding of his heart, a rat gets what a rat gets.

I have talked about this one at great length in my #cawis commentary tag so I will not reiterate here. Other than that I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo so so so so proud of it and I love it so much.

The Voice In My Earpiece Thinks You're An Idiot (Jo/Bela) JoBela heist fic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“If anyone touches you again, I will cut off their fingers.” The fierce darkness of the promise plunges into Bela’s stomach, like a punch. Nobody has ever made her a promise like that before. Not one she believed, anyway.  “Do you believe me?” “That would -” Bela clears her throat, finding her voice croaky - “That would blow our cover.” “I don’t care.”  She means it. Bela remembers what Jo said when they properly introduced themselves - “I make a promise, I keep it.”. Stupid, it is, to throw away their plans over a few moments of discomfort. Ridiculous. Childish. “Do you believe me?” Jo repeats, and Bela nods, jerky, unpracticed. “Yes.” She takes a breath, then says again, “Yes.”

They get the biggest quote because theyyy mean so much to meeeee. I'll probably do another cawis commentary on this at some point bc there are too many things I did on purpose to say them all here. For now: when the woman who's learned to never trust anyone comes to trust the woman who's never felt trusted. And they banter and have hot lesbian sex. ROMANCE.

In Case of Emergency S1 Faith!Dean gets a new roommate at the hospital who's weird and intense and unexplainable things happen to him at night. I wonder who it could beeeee surely no one who's significant to Dean!!! (It's S5 Cas when he did the angel banishing sigil on his own chest) One of the machines on the other side starts going crazy with noise just as the curtain is cast back in a dramatic swish. The shadow of a man looms, sinister and ominously silent. He's watching Dean, but Dean can't do the same, his face impossible to make out. A red light flashes off kilter to his head from his monitors, and Dean gets the absurd thought that it looks like a knocked off halo. 

You know it you love it it's In Case Of Emergency. I just think. They DON'T have a supernatural soulmate connection but they just get on as people. If they met at any time in each other's lives for the very first time (aside from Godstiel lol) they would end up getting along! They click! They LIKE each other!

I thought a lot about the Sam role in this fic. If you have 3 people and 2 of them want something (to hang out all the time) then the 3rd person SHOULD be getting in the way of that (closing the curtain) for a believable reason (Dean needs to rest and stop tiring himself out with this random stranger!!!). Sam comparing Dean's imminent demise to Mary's death and Dean eventually asking what he'd want Mary to say to him (with the subtext; what can I say to make it better that I'm dying) made me cry as I wrote it and every time I reread it. It's making me cry NOW lol. augh fuck im rereading i'm crying. turns out. when you write exactly what touches you emotionally. you feel touched. emotionally. to read it.

Also this fic now makes me think of darling @forestofsprites bc they've left such wonderfully kind tags every time they've reblogged it :') ily

Misc I dunno. These don't fit in the other categories lol.

6th Life's The Charm! Sarah Blake/Bela Meow!!!!! Sarah gets a mysterious commission to find a painting, and a strangely perceptive cat follows her home the same day. But those can't possibly be connected I'm sure. Smiling with her eyes closed, Sarah puts a hand on B's back and touches. Skin.  She startles awake and jerks her hand away. By the embers of the fire, she can see the woman lying on top of her....The woman is watching her, smiling, and her pupils are strange. They creep a little too far into her irises. She's also the most beautiful woman Sarah has ever seen. Stunning, in both senses of the word.  "No questions?" The woman asks eventually, as Sarah's silent stare ticks on. Her tone is a) British and b) faintly mocking, like she knows something Sarah doesn't. 

Little turned into a kitty cat romcom!! I do fun little asides in footnote format! Middle aged yaoi ummmm but what about middle aged YURI??? Sarah references Sex in the City and is having a midlife crisis what more do you want from me!!! I did want to have a little moment of Sarah saying "sorry about the collar attempt" and Bela flirtily going "hmm, I think it'd look better on you" and Sarah spontaneously combusting but it didn't quite flow. Maybe in the horny sequel I kinda want to write...

MEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, Sun In My Face Cas realises he's in love with Dean. The natural thing to do is to tell him right away. "Don't," Dean pleads, and it's not clear whether he means don't love me or don't tell me. Either way, Cas is going to let him down.  "I love you," Cas repeats, firmly, "I have loved you. I will love you. That's all."

Too angsty for the fluff section, too sweet for the tragedies. What are you. As may be clear from previous works, in MY world, Dean and Cas platonically sleep together every night and snuggle the whole time :3 even if it's a world where they're aromantic I firmly believe this would be the case. When I say platonic I am not saying it with a wink and a nudge, as a few scattered comments seem to suggest they think. But also in this one they are also romantically in love haha.

How Do You Go From Wanting To Having? When Cas stumbles back to life after escaping from the Empty, Dean can't speak the words in his heart. But he can write them. You can have it, and variations thereupon: You can have it, damn it; could have fucking taken me, asshole; what do you think is supposed to make me happy now, you arrogant, stupid son of a bitch?

I don't know if I made the most of this premise lol but I had fun building the evidence of grief into the Bunker. They pushed a heavy object in front of the door to the dungeon so they didn't have to see it, Dean filled his room with lights so he didn't have to be in the dark (a general post-canon headcanon of mine that both Dean and Cas have lamps on all night), Dean's stiff position during his nightmare. Little clues that Cas does NOT pick up on bless his heart.

This Is A Love That Lasts Forever It's about Claire giving Cas a haircut. It's about grief. It's about love. Cas remembers - though he shouldn't, ethically - sending Claire for a time out for saying the word 'damn' when she was 6, though she surely couldn't have known what it meant. Swinging her hand on the way to church on Sundays. Clapping for her awkward turn at playing Mary in the Christmas Nativity. Loving Claire had only deepened Jimmy's love of God, and this was the love that Castiel had taken advantage of. He doesn't deserve even a moment of Claire’s forgiveness. 

Last one! I uploaded this on the 29th of December but it ISSSSSS absolutely 1000% one of my best. Cas and Claire's relationship in canon is so WEIRD. One doesn't typically accept grumpy cats from the guy wearing your dad's corpse as a skin suit??? Even if he's kind of nice to you?? So this is my way of figuring out how to make it make sense. She can't ditch Cas because that's where all her dad's love is stored and nobody else in her life knows her dad anymore. And they both have to try and make that work.

I had a different ending in mind for a little while - Claire completing the haircut and then going oh my god. now you don't look like my dad anymore. what have I done now I won't remember him I'm so stupid!!! put it back how it was!! and Cas is like um I can't do that though I'm low on Grace and Claire cries herself out about it and they talk about having to get used to new, unfamiliar circumstances. But I like what I went with more (obviously. because I wrote it lol).

Little headcanons that I carried across from other works: - Claire will allow Donna to be as cutesy and affectionate as she likes and Donna calls her "Claire-bear" and nobody can figure out why it's a shy little happy smile when Donna pats her cheek and beams at her and she would kill anyone else who tried it with her laser eyes. I do though, I know why. It's bc of Donna's easy open affection that genuinely isn't trying to hide anything. Claire knows Donna isn't faking it because Donna is kind to everything and everyone. She would have a harder time with Garth though even though Donna and Garth are very similar in this regard, just because. Well. The girl has been traumatized and betrayed by so many "nice" men. God how did I get onto this. Donna is the mom/aunty figure Claire has needed for a long time. I talk about this in Growing A New Half Soul - Angel's were never children I talk about in A Light Above Descending.

THE END.

If you've read this. Are you sure you didn't have anything better to do with your time avhsbv but thank you!!! Go follow all the friends I've @'d because then they might do follower events and I might write more things as a result!!!! Also go and write some dean walking in on cas masturbating fic and then send it to me.

My challenge for you is to think about women falling in love with other women. Wow, beautiful, right? And also to think of ONE thing you did that you are proud of this year. Even and in fact especially if it's something you're not "supposed" to be proud of. Did you find something new you liked. Were you kind to someone. Were you kind to yourself when you didn't have to be. All these and more are things to take pride in.

I, for one, am proud of having written 111,227 words of complete short fiction!!!!! So much so that I wrote another 4936 words talking about them here :)

#cawis commentary #fic recs #this post is actually really just for me to reflect on my own work and remember all the fun stuff I put in there #and this number also isn't including my many many many WIPs teehee #anyway. MWAH!!!!!

[saiyanprincessswanie]

Missy’s 3.5K Challenge

Missy’s 3500 Challenge!!

WOW! How did I reach 3500 followers? What a crazy ride this continues to be. I want to thank every single one of my followers on my blog. Whether you follow me for my work or for my weekly reading lists I thank you. Without your support, I wouldn’t be here.

(Thank you @fictional-affairs for the header!!)

Rules:

You don’t have to follow me to participate, but if you want to you will make my day.

Reblog this post so others can join in.

You must be over 18 years old to participate

Send me an ASK with the Character, Troupe, AU or Prompt you want.

Mark all stories appropriately. (Fluff, Smut, Dark, Non/Con, etc) 

It must be a one-shot or new fic

Two people per prompt

Can be either reader insert or OFC

No incest, No underage, No pedo, No toilet/bathroom fics, No DDLG.

Minimum words 500, No max, Please use the keep reading feature if it’s longer than 500 words

Due date:  open

All stories will be reblogged. I will add all stories to a Masterlist for easy access. Tag your fic as #Missys3500challenge and tag me in your notes. If I haven’t reblogged your work for a week Tumblr might have eaten the notification so please send me a message.

Marvel Characters:

Steve Rogers

Bucky Barnes

Sam Wilson

Wanda

Natasha

Tony

Loki

Thor

Pietro

Billy Russo

Brock Rumlow

Helmut Zemo

Non-Marvel Characters:

Ransom Drysdale

Ari Levinson

Frank Adler

Andy Barber

Curtis (Snowpiercer)

Lloyd Hansen

Nick Fowler

Frank (endings/beginnings)

Chris (Destroyer)

Charles Blackwood

Dean Winchester

Lt. Bradley “Rooster Bradshaw (Maverick)

AU’s:

Mob

Biker

A/B/O

Cop/Detective

Firefighter 

Bartender

Royalty

Vikings

Tropes:

Enemies (to friends) to lovers

Sex pollen

First Time

Annoying Neighbor (Tony - @mostly-marvel-musings )

Love at first sight

Evil Twin (Steve - @ironlady1993 )

Hate Sex

Opposites Attract

Prompts:

"They invited us for the family brunch, am I slashing the tires, or are you?"

"I can't believe you made plans, I thought we were on the same side," (Brock - @nekoannie-chan )

"no one else gets to hurt you, you're mine!" (Mob AU/Andy is prosecuting Steve/trope 1/ - @adulting-sucks )

"I'm 90% certain I lost my sanity because of you," (Stark/Mob au/trope 4 @pigwidgeonxo ) & (Trope 5/Lloyd- @nepenthe-raes-affairs )

"You think your life is worth more than mine? Think again sweetheart," (Ransom & Lloyd AU 7, Tropes 5 and 6, - @sarah-in-disguise )

“Of course, they'll fall in love, I planned it," (Stark/Mob au/Trope 4 @pigwidgeonxo )

"Her boyfriend showed up? Oh no, this isn't good," (SamxBlack ReaderxBucky/trope 5 - @awesomerextyphoon )

"You're single, they're single, I'm a great third-wheel. It's a perfect match," 

"So I mean nothing to you now?" After everything we've done!"

"Hey, hey, It's okay, I'm here now,” (Dean/Bartender/Sex pollen - @tarithenurse ) & (Dark Steve - @kitkatd7 )

"Remind me to take a vacation after this,"

"I was never good enough, you always hurt me, so why? why do I miss you?" (Steve or Brock - @nekoannie-chan )

"I can't stop staring at her picture," (Ari/AU 7/trope 8 - @ladyfallonavenger )

"The image of you pops into my head and I just lose my breath,"

“You had me at hello.” (Dean/royalty- @spnexploration )

"Ah, my friend looks like he's about to kill you, you best leave," (Steve/Mob - @captainapple )

"I’ll always be here for you,”

"This is why I love you,"

"Why are you smiling at me like that?" (Ransom/bartender au - @fluffycutecevans )

"you're so beautiful,"

"I would burn the whole city down for you," (Loki/Vikings/Enemies to lovers - @floatinginadreamofhim )

"I said I was sorry! What else do you want from me?" (Enemies to lovers/BillyorThor - @lokislastlove )

“Just kiss already!” (Trope 4, w/Sam or Steve @ghostofskywalker )

“I miss your warmth,” (Steve - @americasass81 )

“Do you regret letting us end?” (Trope 7, w/ Sam - @fluffyprettykitty )

#missys3500challenge #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic #fanfic writing challenge #marvel writing #writing challenge #mcu fanfiction #mcu fanfic

[angelsdean]

What bothers me with DeanLisa is that Sam pushes Dean toward Lisa because of something Dean fantasizes about... 40 years earlier. Before the Apocalypse, before knowing angels and God exist, before being tortured 30 years in Hell (and spending 10 years torturing)... Sam, being oblivious, doesn't take any of that into account. Dean has changed too much since he dreamt about this for their relationship to work (I think DeanLisa could have worked if they were both in the same mindstate than s3 but)

yea there are a lot of reasons why deanlisa was never going to really work out in that context. i think if circumstances had been different then maybe. but i just have a lot of issues with deanlisa, they're not my fave and i can't get over how plot device-y they are, but that's an issue with the writing and i don't actually hate lisa as a character or anything. i know a lot of multishippers like deanlisa so i don't wanna step on any toes and i think in fanon, giving them more depth than the narrative ever did helps make them more interesting and complex. but when i'm like putting my analytical hat on and looking at what the text actually does and critiquing what they actually gave us versus what they didn't give us or what they could've done it's well :/ like narratively she, and ben, are presented as this ready made family fantasy and that's about it. that's their sole "function" and lisa never gets much depth or complexity to her character and it's just very :/

i think dean has a huge heart, and i while i def question him showing up out of the blue to move in with a woman he knew collectively maybe 2 weeks out of his life, i do think dean IS the kind of person who "falls in love" a little bit with everyone he meets that treats him with genuine kindness and affection. and i think there are different degrees and shades and intensities to that "love" and it's not always the kind of One True Love definition of love. like he also only spends about 2 - 3 weeks with cassie but says she was his first love. and that love is important and meaningful but also very different from say, his love for cas which gets 12 years to grow. but neither is "better" than the other, they're just different! so like, i think he definitely cared for lisa and loved her in some way, and maybe if, like you said, circumstance had been different, they could have worked out and maybe grown to really love each other deeply. but in the circumstances they were in it always felt a little doomed. (here's a really good post about this).

as much as we can debate whether dean really loved her or not, i think dean would probs Never have sought her out if sam hadn't pushed him toward her w/ is "dying wish" of dean being a happy little suburban man. i don't think dean was thinking abt her all those yrs or holding a torch for her. and dean might've wanted that fantasy family life at one point but yea for dean those dreams were a long time ago. i think by the end of s5 dean doesn't really think that life is in the cards for him anymore.

my reading of the situation is: dean is numb with grief. dean has lost nearly everyone (bobby's still around but that's about it, and they don't seem to be in contact). dean is trying to honor his brother's "dying" wish. except sam isn't actually dead! (i forget who brought this up but i saw it recently and!!!!) sam literally isn't dead when he goes into the cage !!! he's spending eternity being tortured by the devil as far as dean knows. i think that would cause dean a great amount of stress / worry / anguish on top of his grief. i don't think dean would be able to just move on and play happy family forever. so, he's numb, depressed, going through the motions, and holding on to this one (1) thing he now has, this perfect little family. and it's what he should want !! it's what he used to dream about !! but so much has changed. and he cares about lisa, he does. she's great and she's trying to help him. and ben is a great kid and dean loves him too. but it was never going to work, not really, because dean's issues are SO huge and all encompassing at that point AND this life wasn't really his choice. it's not what he would have chosen if sam hadn't nudged him in that direction. he's there, and he's trying, but it's not enough. he's got unresolved hell trauma, unresolved grief, probably constantly thinking abt sam being tortured in hell by the devil after dean very recently spent 40 yrs !! in that place. he's also lost cas, his best friend, who in dean's eyes abandoned him for heaven. based on past and future behavior he's probably also feeling like he doesn't deserve to be alive, possibly is passively suicidal. he's got a lot going on, and of course you don't have to be perfect or have your shit together to be in a relationship, but i don't think dean was in the right place to be in a relationship or to be playing the role of suburban dad and husband. and i think that's kind of the point, i think the narrative wants us to see that friction and see the cracks in the fantasy.

#replies

[schizosamwincester]

Hello! Welcome my sideblog! If you want to see me post about not Supernatural, my main is @drowninginredink.

If you're not going to read this introduction, it/its please, yes I am actually schizophrenic, and beware, incest lies ahead. The rest is below the cut.

I am watching SPN for the first time and am currently on episode S1 E21. I told myself I was going to wait until I finished S2 to start this blog... and then until I finished S1... and then my queue hit 100 posts and I realized I should just start it already. That said, don't worry about spoiling me. Trust me, I've already been all over SPN tumblr. And yes, I am already headcanoning Sam as schizophrenic despite having not yet gotten to the part where he actually hallucinates. Pretty early on, I'd seen enough from the fandom to know that Sam was going to give me ~feelings~ as a schizophrenic, but Home was what sold me on it. The way he responds to the vision is exactly like my experience of delusions. It's like having blinders on. You can't think about anything else and you need to figure it all out and fix it right this minute. It's urgent and obsessive in the same way Sam was. His body language, too, was just perfect, down to just what he did with his hands. I look at Sam, especially Sam getting visions, and I see myself. So. Sam Winchester is schizophrenic. Not in some "Sam hallucinated the entire show" way (God I hate those theories) or that none of the supernatural stuff is real. Everything we see is real, but Sam's brain also pulls some shit of its own.

Sissy - trans femme!Dean x John

Fics:

Sober II/samjohn

Webweaves:

less words/wincest

Father/deanjohn

San Cristóbal/Sam

All the posts about my pet headcanon are tagged "#schizophrenic sam winchester." Creative, I know. The occasional solely schizophrenia related posts are tagged "#schizospec education." Queue tag is #hallqueuecinations and oh boy do I have way too much stuff queued. I do tag ships so you can filter them out if you want to, but like... I am a johndean and wincest person. If you really don't want to see that, you should just leave.

A very important note, given the name of my blog: schizo is a slur. I reclaim it a lot. I was diagnosed by people who want to change the definition of schizophrenia, and so for a long time, I was explicitly told not to call myself schizophrenic. That's bullshit. My symptoms aren't quite traditional, and I am at the more mild end, but as per the current DSM? I'm schizophrenic. But because for a long time I got told "you're schizo-spec, but not schizophrenic," the word I associate myself with more than anything is schizo. I try to actually write out schizophrenic when I'm on this account, but in real life, I usually don't. But if you are not anywhere on the schizophrenia spectrum, you should not say it (unless you're tagging me). I don't want my handle to give anyone the idea that you can go around calling Sam a schizo. I can. You can't.

My purpose isn't directly to educate about schizophrenia, but I know that the general cultural perception of it misses a lot, so just by shouting about how I headcanon Sam as schizophrenic, I will accidentally teach you all things. In light of that, there will be the occasional reblog of not at all SPN related awareness posts, and my asks are always open. You all have my permission to ask rude and personal questions about it that you should not ask strangers. Schizophrenia is basically a special interest of mine at this point. I am very open about stuff, not so much because of desire to educate or what have you but just because part of my schizophrenia is having very little filter. I will say that if you ask me about the delusions I've had, you're going to get an incomplete answer because going into them too much can be triggering. Everything else is on the table, though.

My banner is from this webweave (which I made).

And once again, I am very much johndean trash, with a strong love for samjohn. I do certainly partake in my fair share of wincest as well, but really, I'm here for The Dad Ships. Point is, this blog is very much not an incest-free zone. I'd say that I'm sorry, but I'm not. You're watching The Incest Show. What do you expect? If you do not like that, block me now and move on.

Fun fact: my birthday is November 5. No wonder I eventually broke down and decided I needed to see what SPN actually was.

[wastemanjohn]

FIC RECS

i've never done a fic rec post before. think it's time i changed that.

below, in no particular order, are my favourite daddycest/johncentric fics:

John/Dean:

Colarado, what now? by egipci - 3000 words, Mature, tw: incest, non-con

I will never stop thinking about this fic, because it killed me, and I am writing this having resurrected myself from the dead. This is an ugly story (affectionate), with one of the most powerful explorations of Dean's devotion to John, and John's instability, that I've ever read. Can't recommend this one enough if you can manage the subject matter.

The Witching Hour by tenyearsgone - 5805 words, Explicit, tw: incest

I admire this writer greatly for being able to tell such a juicy story set over four years in so few words. The prose is also generally delicious. Explores what happens between John and Dean after Sam leaves. I'm sure you can use your imagination about what that is, but it's done so compellingly.

Won't You Tell 'Em I'm Mad by deandatsgay - 6775 words, Explicit, tw: underage, dub con, John being a creep

This is from Ellen's viewpoint re a teenage hooker!Dean soliciting punters at the Roadhouse, John's very blase reaction to it, and Dean trying the same thing on his dad. There's so much more to it than that though, it's really unsettling and creepy and good and the tone is the good kind of nasty. Ellen is also written so well.

As if we'd never met by thatotherperv - Words: 6685, Explicit, tw: references to child abuse, incest, underage (Dean is 17)

This fic takes the accidental incest trope and makes something beautiful out of it. Two hooker! Dean fics in a row haha - he gets picked up by John and ends up staying with him for a while. The dynamic is great and I love this kind of "outsider pov" on John, which it is, because Dean doesn't know they're related. I think about this story often.

Such Patient Beauty by Polly_Phemus - Words: 3248, Explicit, tw: incest, BDSM

So this isn't explicitly johndean, but shit is so beyond inappropriate/fine line and I hate how canonical this fic feels lmao. John finds a way to make some money, Dean does all the actual work. I feel like it's harder to say much more without spoilers but this is such a fucked up and fun read.

Isolation by cestlestialbeings - 1020 words, Explicit, tw: incest, depression

This fic holds a special place in my heart as it was the first johndean fic I ever read and it hooked me on the ship so hard. This fic is heartbreaking - Dean feeling lonely and unwanted and trying to replace John with strangers. It's a lovely piece of work.

What do we call what we have but love? by vintagedean - 23895 words - Explicit tw: covert and overt incest

This appears on every johndean rec list I think, and rightly so, because it's a work of art. The insidious covert incest in the first few chapters is so well structured and unsettling, and I love how unreliable a narrator Dean feels throughout the story. Also John is crafted in such an unstable way that feels so true to me, and I love that. It's also one of the few slightly longer johndean fics out there so there's more to love. Huzzah.

tell me your heart will never change by amiwritesthings - 5618 words, mature, tw: incest, angst

A story with established samdean and Sam's vp. This is a rollercoaster. Sam finds out about John and Dean after John's death and what ensues are some of the most heartbreaking lines and dialogue that I've ever seen in any fic. Its just beautifully done and the pacing is great and I have read this over and over again.

Learned Behaviors by artbabe - 1465 words, Explicit, tw: incest

This is such a unique take on johndean. It's difficult to say much more than that without giving spoilers but I don't think I've ever seen the dynamic written quite this way before and I'm in love. Just read it, you'll see what I mean.

Sam/John:

Favored Son by astrangerfate - Words: 1337, Mature, tw: incest, dub con

Creepy ass story. Dean essentially finding out why John treats Sam better than him.

The sound of dead leaves by unhappy_ghost - 2303 words, Mature, tw: implied abuse, covert incest

This is probably the only horror story on this list. Creepy, creepy shit. The tone of this fic is really unsettling from the outset and then it just kind of gets worse from there. John is a dark and predatory character here and there's some serious covert dead dove going on. Its brilliantly done though.

John/Sam/Dean:

John/girl!Dean:

Ami's Daddy's Little Girl series - amiwritesthings - Several parts, Explicit mostly (?all), tw: incest, dub con

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO MUCH CREEPIER WHEN DEAN IS FEMALE. Anyway this is a great series of John/Deanna plus Sam as well, they are all kinds of dysfunctional and toxic and straight up terrifying sometimes and the smut is A Lot. It's addictive!

Lullaby by egipci - 1500 words, explicit, tw: incest

This one speaks for itself. Beautiful prose and characterisations and John having sad boi hours, not being an asshole, but knowing he could be. This one is a headfuck (affectionate).

littledeer by vintagedean - 3465 words, Explicit, tw: incest

This series is unfinished but still definitely worth a read, the dynamics are that perfect johndean mix of absolutely fucked up and awful and really sweet. And there's added Sam which is always a bonus (for me anyway lol).

NB: I read a gorgeous, short john/girl!Dean fic a little while ago involving Dean going out to drink after Sam leaving and then coming back and coming onto John, or the other way around, I can't quite recall... I wanted to rec it here but I can't find it... if anyone knows the fic I'm talking about please let me know, I'd love to read it again!

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps by Hope - Explicit, 3385 words, tw: incest

Basically Sam and Dean ganging up on John. John isn't mad about it.

State of Emergency by Perpetual Cookie - Explicit, 3612 words, tw: incest, underage

Unique situation and compelling writing. It's a PWP on the surface but its actually so much more than that... so many underlying dynamics and the kind of fic where its terrifying being in John's head. I feel like I can't say much more without giving stuff away.

#fic recs #johndean #samjohn #samjohndean #open to suggestions!

[i-make-fun-of-spn-characters]

Hey I'm the one who sent the ask about Castiel embracing his dark side so he can heal and be co-parented by us. I like anon cause it's mysterious to you lol but I didn't send any real cascrit. I like how your blog is like a link to all corners of this fandom. Can't believe people hate Jack lmao. Casgirls maybe? There are Cas parents and Cas lovers

Oh yeah no worries.

I think I won't post the other anon just because I'd like to get off the babytrapping subject haha but I know you weren't really being serious about it. There were a couple anon messages trying to turn it in a different direction (not from you I think). There was also an anon who was upset and thought it was serious crit with the way we were joking about it and was defending Cas (but didn't want me to post). I think if people really want to discuss this genuinely, it could be a fun discussion for them, but with someone besides me because I don't have the motivation to say a lot to say about it haha. For me personally I don't think it holds up as genuine crit (and I don't think you do either) because that term has a specific meaning and I definitely don't think Cas has ever genuinely intended to babytrap Dean as like... a manipulation tactic to keep them stuck in a relationship. If there's a problem here, I think it looks more like Cas being really oblivious about the hangups Dean has developed about raising kids by the late seasons and just kind of thinking, "Oh! I remember that Dean is good with kids. I'll ask him to do this because I think I'm not good at it and he could help." Maybe someone wants to argue that that's its own problem and speaks to larger issues Cas and Dean have in terms of communication and understanding each other, but it's not babytrapping.

Jack hate is a real thing haha. Jack was actually a somewhat polarizing character while the show was airing. A lot of people really loved him, but there were a few things that created pockets of resentment in fandom:

Fans who loved Jack tended to infantilize him, which didn't sit well with other fans at all and lead to a lot of resentment for Jack, which is sad, because while fans (and occasionally Sam and Cas) infantilized Jack, Jack never infantilized himself. Jack (read: REAL Jack—not Soulless Jack) strongly believed in taking responsibility for his own actions. Jack bares similarities to all three of his "dads", and what he got from Dean imo is that relatively more uncompromising moral framework that's rarely swayed, and... the extra helping of guilt over your own human mistakes that comes with being a bit more uncompromising. (I actually like this about both of them).

Some fans resented Jack because they felt he was designed by the writers to undermine and even erase a lot of established canon about Dean and how he treats kids in order to turn fans against him. Prior to Jack's birth, Dean was pretty consistent in protecting kids and teenagers, whether they were monsters or not (ex: Bobby John, Jesse, Emma). This change in writing about Dean's outlook for many felt OOC or like a deliberate retcon, and there were many fans who did hate Dean over this entire period specifically because of this change and still do. They don't remember what Dean was like before and will wax poetic about how much Dean hates kids or dogmatically wants monsters to die which just... isn't accurate at all.

You have bronlies, who hate anyone who isn't Sam or Dean. Pretty self-explanatory there.

#mail #being serious for 5 seconds

[wellofdean]

Carlos doesn’t resemble dean in the slightest, they’re practically complete opposites. John is the narrative mirror to dean if there was one, with his “I’m not a monster” thing, and with how Danneel and Jackles have unfortunately made a point to say that supernatural was a love story between two brothers at its core and john and Mary are an extension of that. In the Pilot it’s suggested that Carlos uses his sexuality to sabotage Mary’s relationships because he has a crush on her so I definitely think that their plan was to introduce a queer character just to but him in a het love triangle, in recognition of Cas’s popularity in the fandom. And it’s goofy to think Bolo ties are Deans “thing” when he wore one in like one episode and Carlos is Latino. If they wanted him to resemble dean they would be dressing him in flannel and leather… and one last thing. Do you not see the irony in you claiming supernatural is about how suffocating and damaging toxic masculinity is, and immediately following that post with a gifset that suggests Dean being at peace is a bad thing because he thrives on trauma and misery? I hated the finale too but that’s just hypocritical

John is certainly A narrative mirror for Dean, but so is Mary, Carlos, Millie... I wrote briefly about what I think is going on in this narrative here. I'm not interested in arguing about this, because it is obvious to me, and I am armed with a university degree in understanding narrative and a longtime obsession with the writings of Carl Jung, so I am pretty confident about what I see happening in it. You will not sway me, and I do not actually care at all, my anonymous friend who is apparently ashamed to own their own opinions publicly, whether or not you agree, and I feel no compulsion to convince you.

I have heard what the creative team behind TW have said, and you and I interpret those things very differently. Additionally, the idea that heart of Supernatural is the relationship between the brothers is one I really don't think is supported by the text especially not by the end of the show. Maybe it started that way, but it didn't end that way. I think the heart of Supernatural is Dean, and like Cas, we care about everyone and everything else in it because Dean does. I am not feeling any kind of way about Sam. His ending was lame, and his party city wig was stupid. I hate that we never see his wife, and he doesn't get what he wanted, but I am not still thinking about his fate AT ALL. If his story was done, it would be just fine with me. Dean is another story. Dean's story is not done, and Dean is the one that so many people can't let go, and that's because his story cannot end the way it did -- that is a broken narrative.

Again, I don't care if you agree or not.

I'm also not saying Bolo ties are Dean's thing. I am saying that Carlos literally wears the EXACT SAME bolo tie that Dean wore. Not just A bolo tie, THE bolo tie. Like, the same exact same one that Dean wore when he made Cas dress up like a cowboy in Tombstone. Little things like that are conscious choices on a TV show where every little thing on camera was placed there on purpose. Finally, there are lots of other things about Carlos that are very like Dean, in fact, when one looks beyond fashion.

Finally, there is no hypocrisy at all in recognising that the Dean we all know and love on Supernatural DOES thrive on trauma. He swims in a soup of it for every moment that we have known him. Trauma is the air he breathes. He is deeply, deeply traumatised for every moment of his existence. That isn't where I want him at all, I want him HEALED, but it is where is IS. He dies traumatically and then goes to a heaven where he just does more driving. I'm sorry, but that is insufficient peace for Dean. He deserves something much richer, deeper and more compelling, and he deserves to be loved, and to be transformed by letting himself love. But, Dean was not given any room or chance to make any kind of peace with his trauma, or to transform in any way. He just dies violently like he was fated to do, and then gets sent drive boring heaven, trapped in eternal stasis. If that is what you wanted for Dean, that's cool I guess, but I think it's fucking horrific, and I do not agree.

Again, I feel no need to convince you. I am just stating my opinions here, because THIS IS MY BLOG.

Finally, stop messaging me on anon. What the hell is wrong with just owning your fucking opinions? I am answering you in a civilised, perfectly normal and friendly way. What are you afraid of?

#spnwin #dean winchester #anon asks

[mayonnaisetoffees]

DtA Daily Day 10

(Day 1 - Beginning) (Day 7 - Previous)

Cas is late in his vanishing act come dusk, and he’s got company, which he so isn’t interested in seeing. In the pause that follows, he risks a glance inside to see Cas and a woman, and surprisingly, both are fully dressed.

I'm sorry Dean but "he so isn't interested in seeing" IMMEDIATELY followed by "he risks a glance inside" is hilarious.

“It’s too dangerous at this time.” “They should know what’s happened.”

Again, I love the little nuggets of world building, the lines that remind you that there is a whole world here that Dean doesn't know. People, procedures, he has yet to learn.

“That’s an order, Vera.” There’s an uncomfortable silence before she says acidly, “Understood. Permission to leave, sir?”

Formality as an insult will always be beautifully cutting.

Dean winces. Cas is just lucky he doesn’t have a middle and last name to drag out and throw at him; that tone just begs for it.

I'll come back to this one in 76 days.

He hasn’t once found a single sign of random bouts of orgies (something he’s checked for very carefully since that couch is kind of his home away from home right now)

Ahh the Chitaqua Fuck Couch. I cannot find the exact post I'm looking for but luckily I have until the end of A Thousand Lights in Space to find it.

If Cas were less a dick, Dean would kind of think this is some kind of half-assed try at being thoughtful.

Comments like this when the series is tagged Castiel/Dean Winchester like ahahahaha you don't even know what's coming.

Despite the slightly improved living conditions, Dean notes that the pile of newly-washed clothing behind the couch that seems to be Cas’s idea of clothing storage grows and wanes but never finds its way into something like a closet or a dresser. Washing dishes seems to be on an at-need basis

Listen, Dean, we've all been there, don't judge. You spent your life living out of your car, what do you know?

A life lived in motels of the budget variety means that Dean isn’t exactly an expert on long-term habitation, but he stayed enough with Bobby (and Lisa) to get the basics beat into him and Sam reinforced it with prejudice.

Okay yeah a line later it's explained... Okay maybe I'll go sort my laundry and washing up.

Dean thinks, appalled: so this is what happens when everything you need to know about life is based on the gospel of John Winchester, as interpreted by a Sam-less Dean. In unholy emphasis of who exactly took care of Cas’s human-training, Cas keeps his books and his weapons immaculate, the books kept in a tiny room off the kitchen that was probably a glorified utility closet in a former life with obviously recently augmented shelving. Feeling masochistic, Dean pulls open the bedroom closet door to confirm the reason that he should never be placed in charge of a small child, a pet, a houseplant, or a Fallen angel unless the conditions are wartime and Sam is willing to be his fulltime co-parent.

So this is one of those sections that makes my brain whir like my laptop when I'm running a declicker on audacity. The thing about Dean in this world is that he hates End!Dean so much not because he can't understand why is is the way he is, it's because he can. This is the life he learnt from John Winchester: a life committed to a single task. A revenge mission that comes above all else. This is what happens to Dean if Sam isn't there. I think it's interesting to see the differences between this Dean and End!Dean and I'm not sure whether that's more because Dean is looking at the consequences of a Sam-less Dean, or because (as far as he knows) Sam is safe and well in their timeline.

At some point it had been thoroughly gutted and stripped down for its new and improved personal arsenal use, the top third of the back wall pegged to hold a survivalist’s wet dream of guns ranging from handguns to the kind of rifles that usually require active duty in the military to even look at, much less use, all meticulously cleaned and ruthlessly organized by type. Below them hang several sets of knives from the basic pocket and utility up to a machete kept at razor sharpness line the wall beneath them. The bottom third of the closet is taken up by neatly installed shelves with the top holding an assortment of worn leather and battered metal cases where specialization is key.

Ah yes, the three genders: gun, knife, specialised. (Also we'll be coming back to this when we talk about gun people and knife people).

Cas may do junkie as a lifestyle choice, but the Dean Winchester here wouldn’t have let him get away with that when it came to what mattered, and all that ever mattered was killing Lucifer. He was way too pissed at Dean sacrificing his team, sacrificing Cas, to wonder why he had chosen to bring Cas along at all. John Winchester’s training is the kind of thing that’s bone-deep, inescapable no matter how far you go and God knows, Sam did his damndest and still couldn’t lose it. Staring around this suddenly familiar cabin, he thinks that some things must pass in the blood or something, because if he peels away the cheap gloss of the hedonistic druggie, his own fingerprints one universe over are all over Cas.

Literally put my brain in a blender it would be kinder. It's the way that this way of life is John Winchester's, but Dean sees the behaviours as his fault. He (well End!Dean) taught Cas how to live like this. He taught Cas how to survive, but not how to live.

It belatedly occurs to him that for a camp whose fearless leader is noticeable in his absence, it’s running just fine.

Dean doesn't even know about the coup yet...

#dta #dta daily #dta day 10 #map of the world #this is late and days 11 and 12 will be later woooo life

[scripted-downfall]

How do/did you feel about the SPN series finale?

Hello! Thanks for the ask!

However, this is a bit of a tough question. I haven't actually seen it --- I'm currently at the tail end of season 12, and I had to take a pause on watching it for a bit because of an unfortunately timed family issue --- so, in some regards, I'm unfortunately unclear on my emotions regarding it. In some ways, I simply can't address everything, and my stance right now might shift substantially whenever I get there for real. (Consider this the disclaimer section of my answer.)

Additionally, when I first heard about it... I didn't feel especially strongly. I watched a few clips --- mainly consisting of the driving-in-Heaven-and-atrocious-wig section --- and that was about it; I certainly didn't get why everyone was so aggravated. Partly, I suspect, this is because I had only just started watching the first season and, thus, hadn't grown as attached to the characters as I now am; partly because I have a tendency to rationalize things. If I can't change something, I'll try to make my peace with it.

All this being said, I'm now about 99.99% certain that I hate the finale. (Again, I haven't seen it yet, so I don't know for sure... but I made a post earlier about my transition from my state of eh, it happened and I expected it to happen so that's fine to oh bloody goodness, this is horrible, as well as some of my rationale for the latter point of view, and that's available: here.)

However, my main stance is as follows: it's not a happy ending. If that was intentional (e.g. it was supposed to be in line with the "Chuck won" theory I've seen floating around)... idk. I guess they did what they intended. But if they wanted it to be a happy ending --- and everything I've seen about the behind-the-scenes stuff suggests that they did (but, again, could be wrong) --- then I can't help but feel that they very much missed the mark.

First, there are the personal endings for both characters. I... honestly don't understand how anyone is happy. Obviously, I far prefer Dean of the two brothers, but I don't even think that Sam had a good ending. Dean died early in hunting, in the same lifestyle and same manner that would have happened years earlier, if he'd died in season 1. He didn't get a normal life --- despite the dog and the home and the job (or something like it) application sitting on his desk --- and it basically came across as though his sole 'peace' came from his death. And this is especially bad because a large part of the series --- especially back when he wanted to take on the trials during season... 8? I think? --- had featured various characters trying to convince him that no, it wasn't reasonable for him to die like a "grunt". Sam, meanwhile, moved on and got the same normal life he'd have had if nothing happened in season one, which might seem like a good thing. Except. He repeatedly (earlier in the series) expressed a dissatisfaction with normalcy and just moving on, and some of his biggest ostensible regrets from the show are his periods where Dean was dead (or in Purgatory) and he had to keep going. It's just a reprise of what Dean had to go through with the season 5 finale, except permanent, and the aftermath of Swan Song had never been shown to be a good thing, so... I'm really confused as to how it's supposed to be one now. Eileen isn't present --- nor is any other fully-developed love interest that would make it believable for him to have a happy life --- and it's a struggle for me to see that this qualifies as a happy ending.

But also, one of the main arguments I see in favor of the finale is that "the show has always been about the brothers." And I guess I get it? Or, at least, I get what they're trying to say. I just don't agree with it. One of the most quoted lines in the show is "Family don't end in blood", so it seems far more reasonable to say that "the show has always been about family." It's been about the idea that blood family isn't the end-all, be-all of what matters, and yet the entire finale basically just said: psych.

Jack is barely mentioned. Cas is barely mentioned. (And, while, yes, I've made no bones about the fact that I ship Destiel, that's not what's motivating this. I struggle to understand how the finale was liked by anyone, even from a platonic viewpoint.) To the extent that they are mentioned, it (to my knowledge) solely consists of saying that their worth consists of what they could do. This is the same message the show has been resisting in terms of Dean, in terms of Cas, et cetera, and going back on it now feels, frankly, like a bit of a betrayal. Bobby's the only actual family member to show up. (I recognize, however, that COVID interfered with this to some degree, and I can't say that I know all the ways in which it did. I would argue that it's still a bit weird that they couldn't even bring in Cas/Jack, especially since I'm pretty certain they'd been on set for another thing not long before... but, again, I could be wrong.) The presence of John and Mary in Heaven is suggested to be a good and reasonable thing. (I would also mention that it's kinda amusing that Dean finds out his parents are there and then drives in the other direction... but that doesn't really redeem much, so.)

And, in short, the entire message of the show... combusts. The idea has always been to never stop fighting. That's the point of season 3 (even though it fails), season 4 (even though it fails), season 5 (even though it fails), and so on, and so forth. That failure on a season-by-season basis sucks... but they keep going. They keep fighting fate. And then fate takes control and the whole struggle becomes completely pointless because... fate wins. Dean dies a season 1 death. Sam dies a season 1 death. And all their fighting to avoid that? At root: essentially pointless.

All this being said, this is just my personal opinion. If people like the finale, all the more power to them; I'm glad it was satisfying (and, no pressure, but it'd be cool to hear alternative viewpoints... as long as they're kind and logical instead of the slurs and threats of late). And, of course, a lot of this is at least half talking out of my hat, since I haven't seen it (either in full --- e.g. not in clips --- or in chronological order with the rest of the series), but I suspect that my overall feeling shan't really change, and only the specifics will. Regardless, I'm sure I'll make posts about it whenever I get there :)

Thank you again for the ask, and I hope that did answer the question to some decent degree!

#answered asks #scripted downfall asks answered #i always come when you call (sd) #spn s15 #anti spn finale #i'll leave off the general tag in case the filtration won't work with it present #dean winchester #sam winchester #not anti for once! #castiel #jack kline #destiel #if desired #gen #if preferred

[hms-tardimpala]

I've settled on the three main characters' songs for Schrödinger's wip!! 🥳

(Below the cut to spare the dash of those who aren't interested in my silly ramblings about Schrödinger's wip)

When I write a fic, I like to assign a song to the characters based on vibes/plot/mood. I'm sure a lot of writers do, and to me it feels like a tangible step of working on the fic. It's more productive than staring at the blank page anyway.

Sabaton is a huge creative inspiration for this project, so of course they're Sabaton songs. Power metal warning if you're wearing earphones, I guess.

Castiel

Cas' arc in Schrödinger's wip follows his one in the show, so he's a character who sort of lived in heaven (an upper class, powerful british family) and is thrust into a war that makes him lose his faith in god, the government, authority figures, his father, and humanity at large. He is in doubt, he questions.

This song is from the point of view of a soldier who's just witnessed the death of his brother (in arms or by blood, we don't know). He questions his own presence on the battlefield, and says that he can't take any more but chooses to do his duty and to believe that he's not fighting in vain by the end of the song.

Castiel represents the naive upper-class young men who were raised to be officers and taught romantic notions about war by their fathers and grandfathers, only to be decimated by the thousands early on in the war. I think this stanza is a perfect thesis statement:

Dean

Dean is a dog of war, okay. In canon, he's written as a killing machine, a man who won't die, who endures whatever is thrown his way. He is shown enjoying violence at times and finding a purpose to his life in fighting. So, naturally:

This song is about Sir Adrian Carton de Wiart, an officer fighting for the british army who gained a reputation for being a warmonger and surviving several injuries and actions that should have killed him. Here are some quotes by this absolute maniac:

"We are told that the pen is mightier than the sword, but I know which of these weapons I would choose."

“People imagine the loss of a hand to be far more serious than the loss of an eye, but having tried both I can say sincerely that it is not my experience.”

And of course:

"Frankly, I enjoyed the war…and why do people want peace if the war is so much fun?"

So of course this isn't representative of Dean, I just wanted to give a potential reader of this post a fun historical tidbit. I am very aware that the song doesn't reflect the complexity of Dean's character and doesn't encompass the range of emotions I want to put him through in that story. Sabaton described the song as "playful", and it is! Something Schrödinger's wip is really not, it's fucking somber.

But that's the song that fits him the most and it's not that serious. Thesis statement (sorta):

Sam

If you know me, you know I have a love/hate relationship with Sam, so he's the one I worked on the less for now. In Schrödinger's wip, Sam starts out as your standard gung-ho kid from the period, but the events of the war turn him into a conscientious objector and a bitter anti-war activist.

He feels no duty to his country and does what he has to in order to survive, but resents every minute. His mind is screaming at him non-stop. He's the one who tries to keep track of current events, of the number of dead, the geopolitical landscape. So it seemed fitting to assign him the song that's about the end of the war and how costly it was in human lives. Excerpt:

If you've listened to me ramble about this thing that I'm the only audience for up to this point, thank you, I love you. I can't wait for my brain to allow me to put words on the page. It's gonna be epic!

#schrodinger's wip #this took me so long to write guys #but it's for a good cause I might come back to that post as a reference