#those take no energy for me

[silverandzlo]

It's been months but I can't get over this.

As some of you know I'm on a light work schedule due to disabilities. I only work 4 days a week. My job pays well enough and I rent out my spare room.

Well I had this one coworker who would comment every time I mention doing anything outside of work "I don't understanding why you can do that but not work one more day"

Like bitch I can do that because I work one less day! I can see my family, go to my friends birthday party, have a hobby.

I work four days, sleep one, sleep half one, do house work and appointments and have one day a week where I can do something that makes staying alive worth it!

I'm sorry that you think because I am disabled I am not allowed to enjoy my life at all.

The worst part. We are disability care workers.

#she would say it for the dumbest things too #like reading a book #or playing a video game #those take no energy for me #on the days I work I do nothing but #I wake up an hour befor and go to bed as soon as im home #disability #community support #care worker #honestly it wouldn't be impossible for me to go on disability #I just love my job

[benetnvsch]

how to bond with ur partner- an extensive guide by Dazai!

#REDRAW OF IMAGE BY WOBBUUU (WITH FULL PERMS TO DO SO <33!) #I FEEL LIKE I HAVENT DRAW KUNIKIDA IN MONTHS (???) #and its driving me silly #want to give him a proper quality drawing but do Not have time so take some more shit posts </3 #KJFDHKJDH #kunikida doppo #bsd #bungou stray dogs #kite watches bsd #kite draws #art #fanart #That is his antenna give me the same energy as “those are his hooves” DJHJDKJHKD #THAT JUST GAVE ME AN IDEA FOR A DRAWING ACTUALLY #-HMMMMMMMMMM

[ganondoodle]

so, its pretty rough and by far not complete but this is a rough layout for the map of destiny (my zelda fancomic), i mainly took it after skyward sword but added parts of botw into it (like lanayru street, the twin mountains that were one mountain until ch3, the gerudo highlands, akkala ref; among more general map overlap)

this ones with some super rough chapter markers and some descriptions, the circle doesnt mean the chapter doesnt go to multiple places but the main happening of it is there, its again, pretty rough and lacks the correct order yet too, ill prob add that with time as i write out the scripts for the next chapters, so far i got the order until chapter 6 (chapter 4 is mostly at hylias temple and since there are alot of chapters happening there its not marked seperately)

chapter 1: demon (complete)

chapter 2: a dance of ice and fire (script done)

chapter 3: moving mountains (name not final)

chapter 4: starry night

chapter 5: a wound for a wound (placeholder name)

chapter 6: curiosity (possibly placeholder name, forgot to mark it on the map even tho i know where it goes)

most other chapters i know where and whats happening but i cant remember the exact order, i gotta make a structured chapter chart soon so i dont have to think over everything every single time i need the order

this is probably not very interesting but, even tho it is just a rough layout more for myself than anything else, i thought id share anyway, i know my handwriting when i write fast and tired is hard to read but uh .. feel free to send me an ask about it if theres anything youd like to know (do mention if you are ok with spoilers for the story)

#ganondoodles #zelda #art #tloz #skyward sword #wip #making maps is hard #in general i pulled the map of skysw apart since its not evne really connected on its own map #and put some botw refs into places that arent too far from where they are in botw but also so they make more sense for skysw #also lanayru is not a desert yet tho that process has started due to hylia building what she is supposed to #... in my hc the mining of time stones takes the life out of the land since those stones are made from concentrated spirits- #-that slowly give out their energy and its all a delicate balance #which is destroyed by hylia+ mining them en masse to create the portals #that hc is also based on my hc that luminous stones eventually turn into timeshift stones bc spirits of the dead and all #anyway #yes there are actual cities and towns in skysw #its before the game anyway but like #the handful of people in the sky are not enough for me lol #and gerudo already existed too #maybe bado(groose) is like a half gerudo and thats why hes got red hair

[costulata]

Ken and Kyle with Knives! a reference to one of the BTS pics of Scott Pilgrim vs The World

#scott pilgrim #scott pilgrim vs the world #scott pilgrim takes off #scott pilgrim fanart #ken katayanagi #kyle katayanagi #knives chau #they give me siblings energy #those headcanons were right #also i made a mistake at first i didn’t know whose keita and shota in the pic so i just wing it #turns out i got the twins mixed up after finishing it :(

[todayisafridaynight]

#rgg #ryu ga gotoku #yakuza series #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza like a dragon #yakuza 7 #jo sawashiro #ichiban kasuga #snap sketches #i insist upon giving ichi Annoying Little Brother Energy until i am dead #i kept getting reminded of those vids were kids call their teachers by their first name and i saw one teacher about to throw hands #and i knew what i had to do.... #is that ichi's streamer name Maybe. maybe it's specifically his second channel for stupid clips like this ☠️ #can we forgive me if i do my mineda|week entry tomorrow. double upload. #i didnt think this would take as long as it did but It Did </3 #i already know what i wanna draw for the flowers prompt and im p sure i know what i wanna do for tattoo/au #ok bye

[nohasslecastle]

As much as I love spreading the "Sister Beatrice top agenda", I do not think Beatrice would behave anywhere near confident on her first time with Ava.

First of all, it's my headcanon that before Beatrice became a nun she didn't actually get to live or experience a lot, so everything she could have learned in her teenage years, she actually didn't, because her parents were too strict, and she was just too afraid to stand up against them.

Her parents sent her to that boarding school probably because at some point she admitted she had romantic feelings for one of her friends, but that was it, Beatrice is oblivious to love, and relationships, and, of course, to sex.

Add that to the fact that Beatrice is a perfectionist, with a great fear of failure, a control freak that gets overwhelmed when she feels she can't handle the results of any given situation she's involved with... Beatrice doesn't quite know how she should behave around Ava, and the not knowing... that terrifies her.

It's not that she's worried Ava would make fun of her, of course, she would never. But there's just something inherently annoying about not being able to BE good at something, specially when the only way to learn 'that something' is... actually doing it. But, will she be able to be good enough for her? Will she be able to be what she thinks Ava deserves?

When Ava comes back, Beatrice doesn't immediately kiss her, she doesn't jump into a relationship with Ava and certainly she doesn't jump straight to bed with her, simply because she has absolutely no idea how to do it without making it weird. So, of course, their comeback kiss is started by Ava, their "what are we?" conversation is started by Ava, and their first time... guess what? Also started by Ava.

I picture this: after the re-encounter they didn't have much time to talk about what had happened between them, they were once again in survival mode and it's only one day after a big fight that they finally and unintentionally find themselves alone. Everything that happened is weightening on Beatrice and she's pretty much gay panicking every time Ava gets too close to her.

It's not that she doesn't want her, on the contrary she wants her so much she's overwhelmed by a feeling she had never felt before, or at least, not in a very long time and certainly not with enough maturity to understand it. When they last kissed it was a life or death situation, now they are just staring into each other's eyes, something clearly in the air, but everytime she tries to say anything, something holds her back.

Ava tries to give her space. Ava is everything that Beatrice is not. She's reckless, and a risk taker, and if she fails so what? she tries again. However, Ava is aware she closed a line last time... not only on Beatrice's vows but on a restriction she had put on herself. Ava is trying to make things right and Beatrice knows it but at the same time she's begging, begging, Ava to push her, because that's how they work right?

At some point the silence becomes too unbearable and Beatrice is frustrated. She hates that she can't be as resolved as she is in most of her activities and Ava is... kind of having fun at it, looking at the perfect sister Beatrice losing her shit it's fun, it's so unlike her it's amusing.

Ava is laughing and that only makes Beatrice's frustration grow. At some point Beatrice apologizes to Ava "I'm sorry, I really don't know what I'm doing and I hate it" and that's Ava's cue to do what she always does... push her a bit, give her courage. Ava walks slowy towards her "I don't need you to be an expert at this, Bea" she takes Beatrice's hands into hers "remember what I told you before I left? You don't need to be so perfect all the time." She lifts her hand to Bea's cheek and Bea gulps. She watches Bea lean into her touch, close her eyes, she brings her other hand to her chest and she can feel how fast her heart is beating "I only need you to be yourself." She says. And Bea opens her eyes and looks at her.

Ava leans close to her, slowly, giving her time to adjust to the intrusion and when she's a breath from her lips she whispers "can I kiss you again?", looking at her eyes again waiting for an answer. Beatrice would simply nod because, let's be honest, that woman is incapable to form a simple thought when Ava is *that* close to her.

And when they kiss... it's shy, and it's tame, and honestly, Beatrice doesn't know what to do with her hands. Ava would guide them, maybe to her hips "you can touch me" she would state. Ava would open her mouth, begging for *more*, she would let Bea's hair down, touch her shoulders, then her chest, she would find that first button and unpop it. Bea would startle at that, only for a moment, only because she isn't used to it, but looking at Ava, with her lips swollen, panting, big eyes... she would push that thought aside. She would kiss her again and this time she would allow herself to touch Ava, gently, but more determined.

Ava would start walking backwards, as if saying "take me to bed" and Bea would walk slowly before her, with her eyes closed, trying to focus only on Ava's lips because maybe that way she would be able to shut up all the insecurities. They would stumble on their way to the bed and Bea would try to say "I'm sorry" while Ava would put a finger on her lips and just laugh, and say a terrible pun to her. Being there Bea would doubt until she doesn't anymore, until she stops thinking and Ava becomes the only thing she's worried at.

#beatrice's top energy will be released but we need to get to that first #working through all those years of repression is not easy #my take on avatrice first time #bea would be shy as fuck #ava would be her normal self #again something im between a mini fic a character analysis and me havin a breakdown #warrior nun #warrior nun analysis #sister beatrice #ava silva #avatrice #save warrior nun #ava and beatrice #ficlet

[shinuko]

tw/cw: cursing (the one that rhymes with duck, x1), kissing (it's like the entire point actually, sorry), reader intended to be shorter, suggestive(!!!) + read tags for more info! (expect nonsense and mistakes lol it's like 12am okay i'm delirious ;-;)

you're peppering kisses all over his face, and he chuckles, his cheeks still squished in between the palms of your hands.

"missed me that much, huh?"

"isn't it obvious?" you roll your eyes but you smile, pressing a longer kiss on the tip of his nose. "now be quiet, i'm busy."

but he's not listening anymore. he falls back onto the bed, taking you with him. and you yelp, both of your hands outstretched on the mattress as support, caging him under you. you look down at him, glaring. to which he laughs but his gaze soon drops to your lips and his chin lifts slightly, and he appears unable to restrain himself any longer. his eyes return to yours, "give me one more?"

you huff but oblige, closing the distance between the two of you, your lips meeting his softly—slowly—at first, his lips moving in tandem with yours, but you were beginning to get swept away in the ocean called geto suguru. he's kissing you greedily, with a hunger like that of a starved man seeing bread again. he slides a hand down to your lower back, steadying you as he hoists himself up again. you respond immediately, wrapping your legs around his waist and arms around his neck. his other hand is placed naturally at the nape of your neck as he gently sets you against the wall.

he groans into the kiss, moving a hand to angle your chin. breaking away, he trails kisses down your jaw and to your neck, stopping at your collarbone. you let out a shaky breath, eager with anticipation, your hands find their spots in his hair, brushing through and twirling the ends.

you whine and he lets you drop down, both of your feet standing at the tips of your toes as you lean in further into the kiss. his hands slide down again, feeling you and this time squeezing in places that made your knees weak. you bite down softly at his bottom lip, tugging at it, and you giggle at his confused expression.

"should i stop?" you whisper teasingly as you pull away just enough to break contact as you flick your gaze up to his.

"fuck no," his voice is hoarse and he pulls you closer to him, finding your mouth again with his, "come here."

koi's notes: i dropped 2 of my 2k+ (wc) wips for this because i was CRAVING physical intimacy and oh my god... please don't perceive me >.< (also sorry for the poorly placed cut and name drop, it was the most natural place to introduce the name to me and yeah ;-;)

#s.k. #sort: jjk #cw: cursing #cw: suggestive #geto suguru x you #geto suguru x reader #geto x you #geto x reader #geto fluff #i think it's from business proposal?? this is the same energy as that kiss scene where that one guy is kissing his girl(?) and he has to- #-stop to take off his glasses before kissing her again #i never got around to watching the drama but i've seen that clip so many times it's been burned into my memory #anyways yeah it's that energy #there's a specific way i'm imagining this scene and the best way i can put it and i hope it came across that way is that he has the i wanna #-f you eyes #do y'all know what i'm talking about #those eyes #god those eyes would actually be the death of me i would fold IMMEDIATELY #thinking about this with almost any character (that i like) would have me spinning actually #this is the most self indulgent thing i've ever written and i'm terrified (for myself)

[samglyph]

Terrible when a song is so good and has a line or verse that hits so insanely hard but you can’t recommend it to people because it’s fucking 9 minutes long.

#this is about the old and witch sleep and the good man grace by the amazing devil AND becoming the last names by Will wood #tho those songs have like. opposite energies. #truthfully it’s the last 3 minutes of both that get me #text #don’t take this as me being ungrateful I love a long song #also Achilles come down but I think that’s only 7 #will wood #the amazing devil

[volitioncheck]

i think i wouldn’t hate disco elysium’s collage mode nearly as much if it weren’t for 1) the way that it was marketed in such a tasteless, soulless manner, let alone the fact that it was a last ditch distraction from a dead on its feet studio piloted by dumbass thieving execs and released on the day of the court declaration, and 2) those dumbass fucking stickers

like if it had been included with the base game from the start and had been titled something a bit more tasteful and in-line with how i would have liked the feature to be marketed as— something like “exploration mode”, something that perhaps could only be unlocked after completing the game for the first time, AND didn’t have those stupid as hell visually and tonally incongruent with the artstyle stickers, i would have applauded it as a nice little bonus for being able to study and appreciate the 3d models and environments for reference.

#it is just so bleak man. #i have no words left to say for the latest development at zaum studios so instead i will just remember how fucked up this was lol #those stickers are the same energy as that dumbass fucking christmas card they put on steam. #cutesy fanart is awesome and all but don’t muddy the tone of the actual source with it. why is that necessary. #for gods sake what happened to boundaries #again i probably would take a different tone to even the stickers if #it had been done under the original creators (which i don’t think it would have‚ which is my point‚ but say hypothetically it happened) #but with the circumstances the way they are it is impossible to not view it all as tainted with a veneer of absolute tastelessness #and a disrespect to the source material and a sorry attempt to appeal to the shallowest parts of ‘fandom’ #like you can add cartoony emoji faces and a sticker with harry and kim as cats. or their hands with the caption ‘best friends!!!’ (wtf lol) #and a frame with a bunch of pride flags being waved around (hard to articulate why i feel doubly annoyed of this one. #your corporate pride parade aesthetic is showing again. also it feels… lazy) #but you can never‚ ever erase the fact that you are parading around a stolen IP that you are entirely out of touch with #and one that you clearly have *no idea what to do with* #(something that we’ve all known for months with these hints but today has finally been basically confirmed as the sequel seems to be #officially cancelled with the last of the original writers’ crew being laid off) #how could you have known what to do with Elysium? how could you ever have? #hope you have fun with your stickers. rot #disco elysium #me talking

[5qui99l3draws]

one fairysona with a pigeon friend for @pfandghoul!

commission info here

bonus thumbnails because they're cute:

#commission #pfandghoul #this one also gets a closeup because I'm very happy with it #I have also somehow become the pigeon guy and tbh I am not complaining #I just think it's very funny #note on the current status of my commissions: #my carrd says I'm on a semi hiatus until the start of next year #which is. kind of true #for those of you who don't follow my personal blog. my employer went bankrupt and I am now finding myself unemployed #so whether or not I can take on more commissions in the foreseeable future depends on how my job search goes #if you are interested in a commission I still invite you to send an order through my form! #I just also ask for patience and understanding in case I have to say no #it will kind of depend on how much energy I expect it to take and whether or not I can bring that energy at that time #no harm in asking though :] #big thanks to everyone who has commissioned me so far <3

[factual-fantasy]

You alive?

Hardly-

Right now I'm knee deep in projects that I'm trying desperately to catch up on :')

3 are private/personal projects that are on a time limit so I'm doing my best to blast through them so I can work on the project that I really want to work on which is Moon Malfunction-

But then another comic project just got added and I usually brush these ones off as I have been doing recently but this one is important and I really wanna do it but I'm so caught up with everything else that I have no energy to work on it and to make things worse its been EXTREMELY hot where I live and I cant handle any level of heat so I'm melting on the couch trying to get these projects done but I have no energy with this heat and I ju

#my response #I realize I've never actually properly addressed those projects with you guys #mostly because they're personal and I thought they would be done by now #anyways I'm mentioning it now- #I have 3 big projects that are taking all my time and energy #any posts that I have made recently have been quick stress relief drawings to get me back on the horse- #I'M FINE BTW! #Dont worry this is stressful but they are wonderful projects and well worth my time and effort #As soon as they are done and this SUDDEN COMIC PROJECT is done my FNAF au will be back in focus :) 👍

[smimon]

okay i know you probably have enough drawing ideas for giant k but i just had this idea invade me.

you know how in snow white (not just the disney version) she pushes together the beds and sleeps on like 3 or more of them sideways? anyway giant k sleeping on 3 beds pushed together. and now i'm just picturing giant k as snow white and everyone else as the various dwarves

Ohoho big brain!!! 👀👀👀 Big brain. I love this idea so much and not just because Snow White is my favourite fairy tale hdjsbdbdfh

Thank you!!! Of course I have to draw it and not just once, let's make it into a comic! Let's gooo

Giant K series #16: once upon a time, in a land far, far away...

To be continued 😉

#thank you so much 🧡 i was rotating it in my head all this time #sorry it took so long 🙇 (it will take even longer because im planning a continuation) #i did some math and looks like this princess needs at least 4 beds #and there is never enough ideas for giant k 🥺 i feel so moved that people care enough to come up with new stuff for this little series 🙏 #thank you #ask #hazzybat #i based them specifically on the 7 Zwerge movie series because the dwarves are average sized men there do you get it #this ask made me rewatch the first movie and it is still so good hdjdhbshdh can i explain who is who? of course i can this is my blog #mikke is tschakko because to me there is some tschakko quality to him. even more so than jere for some reason #and he can carry his cameras in those bags #jesse is brummboss because he's the manager #lärvinen as cookie because if Käärijä has a friend who runs a cooking show then i am making a use of this knowledge #jaakko as sunny because he has this cheerful energy. allu as cloudy because he's always so cool. jukka as speedy because he's a polite fella #häärijä is bubi. the mascot the childish man the little menace #and securityman as ralphie because they are built similar i guess #yee #giant k series #käärijä #rpf #art by op #my art #fanart #also when i watched the movie as a child i always felt so sad about ralphie being constantly rejected #and this might have influenced the way i write giants up to this day. now look. this has come full circle #🥹

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a. #birdsong. #wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac- #in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really. #i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track. #and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy? #it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that. #how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love. #i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together. #i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too. #the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe. #so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc. #i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

[iraprince]

Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages. #or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it. #i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') - #- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action. #also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally) #u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not-- #--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of' #'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important' #bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and- #inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

[minotaurmutual]

I'm so used to being surrounded by kind and thoughtful neurodivergent people at this point that I've forgotten that sometimes neurodivergency can make us assholes in very specific ways and even though yes there's nothing wrong with us for being "different" and we shouldn't feel ashamed of who we are etc etc it's still kind of also our job to try and not actively hurt other people and then just excuse it with "well I'm autistic/have bpd/xyz so you can't be mad" or "if you don't like me treating you bad you're making me feel like I can't be my true self around you" or something like. I feel like it's very obvious to me because I have The Disorder That Makes Everyone Think You're Shitty so I'm always very aware of trying not to be, but others. not so much I think

#tldr one of my irl friends (who is autistic )consistently treats me like shit when she's 'low energy ' as she calls it #and those are situations where i offer her to leave her alone and make it very clear that we do not need to spend time together right now #ans then when i tell her that she's being really hurtful towards me she tells me that makes me feel like she can't unmask around me #and I'm like. ok #i literally have bpd I'm so angry it physically hurts all the time #am i supposed to just expect the people in my life to let me take my anger out on them and blame them for being ableist when they don't #like it or...? #idk man. #weird worldview

[uncanny-tranny]

You're allowed to be proud of yourself for achieving things that are not seen as achievements or are seen as "just the norm."

Sometimes, the achievement is reaching where others have always been, and it isn't about being normal, but about the things you have done to achieve a goal. You can celebrate and be proud no matter how "small" a feat it is

#positivity #encouragement #encouraging words #(mentioning food in the tag rant) #i'm proud of myself for trying a new food on a whim (or new as ini've never tried that specific variation of the food before) #and i'm happy with myself because this takes a lot of energy and mental space to actually do and i did it #and i'm not proud that i did a thing 'normal people' do (eating a variety of foods)... #...i am proud that i did something for myself. i am proud that i safely went out of my comfort zone #that need not me emulating the 'normal person' #forever annoyed at microwaved foods which get hot quickly and then lose that heat as you eat it #is this just a me thing because i feel like those microwave meals get cold quicker than food cooked any other way #deploying science side of tumblr to explain microwaves like i am five (lighthearted)