#to celebrate that sexy win for chelsea

[hischierswhore]

compression shirt

pairing: Christian Pulisic x Reader

TW: NSFW // 18+ ONLY // minors dni // f!receiving oral sex // unprotected sex // pet names (princess) // dom!christian // sub!reader

A/N: based on the post-match video of Christian in his compression shirt. it did things to me. it changed me. also i don't usually write smut, so this is pretty bad BUT i felt obligated to write about that damn shirt

Chelsea just won their 3rd match in a row, winning today's match 1-3. Your boyfriend, Christian, was playing in the 2nd half of the match. You watched as the team celebrated their victory before heading off the pitch. Moments before they headed inside the changing rooms, you caught a glimpse of your boyfriend without his jersey, leaving him in his beige compression shirt, which emphasized his muscles.

Your jaw dropped slightly at the sight, involuntarily letting out a gasp, which attracted the attention of a few of those around you. The way he looked was like something straight out of a Calvin Klein underwear ad: except if Calvin Klein had compression shirts.

You watched as he ran into the changing room before everyone else. You quickly collected your bag and made your way to the exit, where you knew he would be waiting for you.

By the time the rest of the team entered the changing room, Christian was already done showering. He kept his compression shirt on, as it was comfortable. When it seemed like all the other players had gone in for their showers, he took the opportunity to sneak out and leave the room.

As he made his way to the exit, he spotted you. His face lit up when he saw you approach. He looked happy. And sexy. You couldn't help but smile back at him as you stared at his body. The way the shirt accentuated his muscles and abs had you feeling things.

"What?" Christian asked as he could see you staring.

"Do I have something on my shirt?" He questioned playfully. You just gave him a soft kiss on the lips and shook your head no.

"I really like this shirt" You lightly pulled at the material that clung to his skin, while lightly running your fingers over his abs.

"Oh really? I hadn't noticed" He teased as you rolled your eyes and grabbed his hand, leading him to the car.

"Someone's in a rush" He commented as you began to drive home, giving him a look that told him to shut the hell up.

You drove to Christian's flat with only one thought in mind, which was the man sitting next to you and his muscles. As soon as he opened the door, you practically jumped on him and pushed him inside, pressing him against the wall.

Your eyes locked onto his muscles again, and you didn't notice anything else, besides how hard his body was pressing against yours. Your hands went right to his muscular chest and you let them roam freely over his abs. It was when your hands went lower that he stopped you, flipping you both over so he was now in control of the situation.

He now had you pressed up against the wall, his hands roaming freely over your body. The feeling was mutual, since he too had wanted nothing more than to touch you all day. Every inch of your body felt incredible to him.

You let out a moan as he let his lips trail down your neck, softly biting down on the sensitive skin. You could feel yourself getting turned on by what he was doing to you.

A tingle spread through your entire body from his ministrations, almost making you come instantly. Christian seemed to sense it because his movements suddenly stopped, and you were now being carried to his bedroom.

As he put you down on the bed, you could barely keep your eyelids open as you got used to having him hovering over you. He carefully removed your clothing, discarding it on the floor.

You felt his hands go to your breasts, and you moaned at the contact. The sensation made your whole body tremble, yet also aroused you even further. It was then that Christian started kissing down your stomach, until finally he moved between your legs.

He leaned forward, breathing hot air onto your most intimate parts, making you shiver. He then licked the crease of your thigh, before moving to kiss your inner thigh, making you shudder even more.

His tongue trailed slowly across your wet folds, and his hand slowly slid between your thighs, moving upward toward your sex. His finger curled gently around your clit, eliciting another gasp from you. He sucked on your clit, making you jump, and your hips lifted toward him as you cried out in pleasure.

"You're this wet because of a shirt?"

"Mainly the person wearing the shirt" You managed to get out.

Christian chuckled, knowing exactly what he was doing to you. He wanted to make you lose control, wantonly grinding on his finger as it traveled from your entrance, up to your opening, before going back down to your clit.

After a few seconds, he withdrew his finger and mouth from your already sensitive area, causing you to gasp at the sudden loss of contact. You pulled away from you and began undressing himself, intentionally keeping his compression shirt on.

He noticed how your eyes never left his body, burning holes into the tight material he wore, causing a smirk to spread across his face.

He hovered over once again, kissing you passionately for a few moments.

"Chris, I need you" You whispered against his lips, grabbing hold of his hair and pulling his head back slightly.

He kissed you once more before aligning himself with your entrance. You felt his cock throbbing against your thigh, and a jolt of electricity shot through your body as he pushed himself into you.

You arched your back as you closed your eyes tightly, feeling your body tighten around his girth. Your legs immediately wrapped themselves around his back, urging him deeper. He thrust himself forward, hitting your walls with ease. He began sliding himself into you at a slow pace, easing his way into you.

Every push caused you to whimper. He began increasing his speed, causing you to bite your lip as you moaned his name over and over. Your body trembled with every slam he made, his pace never faltering.

You felt the knot in your stomach grow tighter, filling your belly with heat. You could hear Christian gasping and grunting loudly as he continued to pound into you.

"Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris" You chanted over and over again as you squeezed your eyes shut tightly, wanting him to cum inside you.

"Please Chris" You begged. Just when you thought he wasn't going to respond, he abruptly pulled out of you and slammed himself back inside you.

You let out a scream as he plowed into you, burying himself deep within you.

"Oh my god, yes!" You screamed.

"Let go for me, princess" He spoke as a strangled cry escaped your lips, causing you to lean backward as he pumped his seed deep inside you. You let out a loud sigh, as you felt your body quivering with ecstasy.

The aftershocks hit you like a tsunami, and you collapsed onto his chest, unable to do much else but ride the waves of pleasure that still coursed through your body.

When the last wave subsided, you both stayed like this for a few more minutes. Neither of you said anything; just basking in the moment. You just loved holding onto him like this.

"Wow. That was intense" He breathed out, still holding you in his arms.

"You're definitely going to be buying more of those compression shirts" You joked with a chuckle, causing him to laugh.

"I don't think I've ever been fucked like that" You added, leaning up to press your lips to his.

"If I'd known you'd like that shirt so much, I would have worn it sooner. Just tell me when you're ready for round two" He joked as well, bringing you to laughter.

The sound of Christian saying "round two" sent chills through you, yet the idea excited you immensely.

"Give me like, 10 minutes" You requested, causing Christian to raise an eyebrow at your words.

-

TAGLIST

@ithinkimokeei @myheartgoesvroom @mounthings @tall-tanned-tattoo @itsnotgray @alwaysclassyeagle @charlewiss @pianoisland @chelseagirl98 @lovelynikol16 @username-envy

#✎ natalie writes #christian pulisic #christian pulisic fluff #christian pulisic smut #christian pulisic x reader #christian pulisic x y/n #christian pulisic x you #christian pulisic imagine #christian pulisic fanfic

[swayziiwriter]

Trench coat | Erling Haaland

summary: Manchester city’s win of the premier league title puts Erling in a spectacular position for a trench coat visit.

WARNING: 18+, sexual content

NOTE: as a devoted Arsenal fan writing this chapter stung just a bit…

City had won the league, it was a bittersweet day for you as an Arsenal fan. Though you were immensely happy for Erling a part of your heart stung with pain at how close your team came. You decided that the best way to clear your mind of these feelings was to take them out on Erling, specifically during the celebratory surprise you had offered him before the game against Chelsea took place.

I'll come over to your place tonight by 11, after all the celebrations are over

Sounds good, come down to the field I want you down here with me

You smiled at his response, turning off your phone before making your way down to the pitch to celebrate Erling.

•

You reached into your purse, pulling out your key to Erling's place. Shuffling with your outfit and fixing your hair before stepping inside. The lights to the entire first floor were off, the large house surround in darkness. You took this as a sign that he was upstairs like you had asked him to be. You made your way up the stairs to his bedroom, a dim light coming from his room. The sound of your red bottoms clicking against the tiled floor let Erling know you were here just as promised. He turned around to find you leaning against the doors to his master bedroom, a soft smile plastered on your face.

It wasn't until Erling brought his eyes down your body that he finally understood why you had wanted the lights either off or dimmed. Your light brown trench coat illuminated in the soft light, your smooth legs on full display. You turned around closing the doors before slowly making your way to Erling.

You strutted towards him, your heels clicking with every step. Erling wasted no time, bringing your lips to his in a heated kiss. You pulled away breathless trying to focus on your plan for him. "Take off your clothes and sit on the bed" you demanded, taking his chin in your hands. You watched as Erling stripped himself into his boxers, his large body in view. Every curve of his abs and v-line was torture, your mind running wild with thoughts of running your tongue down every muscle. When Erling had sat down you decided it was finally time to put on your show. He watched from the top of the bed, leaning against the headboard. You removed your heels, letting them fall softly on the floor as you moved your focus to removing your trench coat.

You started to undo the buttons as Erling watched closely, studying the way each piece of your lingerie started to show. His breathing was starting to become heavy as you worked seductively. Erling felt the heat rushing to his erected cock, the tent in his boxers becoming more evident as he watched you in your black lingerie set. "So fucking sexy, all for me baby?" He questioned coyly. "Mhm, but you'll have to be the one to take it off" you said, climbing onto the bed into his lap. "Don't mind that at all" he smirked before capturing your lips. Your bodies moved in sync, touching each other everywhere as neediness seeped into your thoughts.

Your body was taken over by lust and the incredible sensation of his soft lips moving with yours once again. The kiss was hot and intense. Both of your tongues fought for control as your bodies drew closer to one another. Erling snuck his tongue back into your mouth as you did and took control, gently biting your bottom lip as he pulled away. Your heartbeat stimulated as the intensity of want hurried through your body.

His hands roamed your body, slowly slipping off your lingerie set. Send chills up your body as heat travelled to your core. "Fuck," you moaned against his lips, as his finger ghosted over your aching pussy.

Erling's actions were the only things on your mind at the moment. His toned body, big hands, extraordinary blue eyes, and lewd manner in which he dipped his finger into your pussy, which made you moan at the sudden contact. He didn't stop, he pushed one more finger in twisting them and stroking you, rapidly. As his skillful fingers dug deeper into your core and his lips touched your pulse point, you started to feel dizzy.

"Erling," you cried, your body shivering with expectation. You put your hands on his head, pushing him closer to where you really wanted him. Before placing his tongue on your pussy, he gave you a wickedly self-congratulatory grin as you foolishly glanced down. The prompt joy of feeling him swipe his warm tongue up your cunt made you forget all about your plans to be in control.

On your throbbing clit, every lick, suck, and flick of his tongue was perfectly placed. You were moaning softly as your hands tangled deeper into his blonde locs still kept up. He didn't stop, pushing his face deeper into your pussy as you came on his face. Recovery from your first orgasm was short, wasting no time with Erling as these moments were precious. You turned around, bringing your bodies to their previous position leaning down to kiss him and grind against him, relieving the pressure on your throbbing pussy. Not many words were spoken as you grabbed Erling out his boxers, discarding of them.

Erling was thick and heavy in your hand, pulsing and dripping with pre cum as you swiped a finger across the tip before sinking down onto his cock. He initially let you ride him as you adjusted to the pressure, but as soon as your pace picked up, he grabbed your hips and fucked into you, causing you to stumble on top of him. You grabbed his chest and scratched it red, doing anything to try to control yourself as you fell into another orgasm.

As you dug your nails back into his chest, cumming once more, more explicit words spewed out of your mouth. Before turning you around to lie under him, Erling briefly let go of your hips. Erling pushed your thighs open and played with your nipples while pressing his cock against your drenched pussy, indicating that he was still ruining you. He pulled your breast out of his mouth, speaking soft words. "So beautiful like this." He slipped his cock as far as possible at his words, leaving you unfit to answer. After that, he rough-fucked you into the sheets, leaving you gasping for air by the time your third orgasm and finally his arrived.

Erling waited for your nod of approval before letting go inside of you, costing your walls with thick layers of his cum. He filled you completely. When he pulled out, you were completely worn out and closed your eyes as Erling spoke to you in a whisper. Reassuring you that this had been one of the best rounds of sex you'd had. You could only smile, bringing your body to lie on top of his, listening to his racing heart beat. Speaking soft word of "I love you" as you let him wrap his arms around your body, keeping him close.

#Spotify #football #football smut #football imagine #erling haaland #manchester city #norway #premier league #tall men #smut scenarios #smut stories #smutshot #smut smut smut #smut #oneshot #erling x reader #erling håland #fanfic #soccer #world cup #mature reading #football stud

[canirove]

Mason Mount Imagine | five

Author’s note: Something super random I wrote the other day after seeing Calvin Harris post about “One kiss”, his song with Dua Lipa, and remembering what the lyrics say. Wasn’t going to post it today, but yeah, why not? 😅 Hope you like it! 💜

Little summary: You are a Dj, and the host of the radio show where you are being interviewed gets Mason on it. That leads to you playing at a Chelsea party, and meeting with him again, this time in person. (Female reader/pov)

Masterlist 

"Changing the topic a bit, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you are a Chelsea fan, aren't you?"

"I am, yes. My dad bought me a shirt the moment he found out my mum was pregnant."

"Oh wow" Rich laughs. "Are you ready for the Champions League final?"

"Kind of. Thinking about it makes me nervous but also so excited."

"Will you be attending the game?"

“I wish" I sigh. "I have a show in Germany that night. If there is extra time, I will miss it."

"So they better win on the 90 minutes."

"Yes, please. Do it for me" I chuckle.

"Any favourite player?"

"Oh, I'm gonna be very original with my answer... Mason Mount."

"He's hot, isn't he?"

"Don't go there, Rich" I laugh while giving him a murderous look.

"Ok, ok" he replies. "But I'm glad you said his name, because we actually have him on the other side of the phone. Morning, Mason Mount."

"Good morning, Rich" he says. "How are you, man?"

"Oh, shit" I say under my breath. 

"I'm good, thank you. So, Mase, I believe you are a big fan of our guest today."

"I am, yes."

“Thank you” I say.

"Do you guys play her songs in the changing room?" Rich asks.

"We do, yes. Especially when we need to be motivated, they are the best."

"Any favourite one?"

"Personally... "One kiss". Love the rhythm, and your voice sounds amazing."

"Thank you" I say again, my cheeks starting to feel a bit warm.

"It is a very sexy song. And so is the music video. Have you watched it?"

"I have" Mason says. 

"Any favourite scene? I really like it when you sing "I just wanna feel your skin on mine, feel your eyes do the expexploring" while looking straight into the camera. Felt things there."

"Richard!" I laugh.

"What about you, Mase?"

"I liked the whole thing."

"Oh... Got it" Rich laughs. "Have you guys ever met? Follow each other on Instagram? Slided into the other's dms?"

"So noisy, Richard" I laugh. "We follow each other, but that's all."

"Then we need to do something about that! Mase, if you win the Champions League, you must convince Chelsea to have her play at your party."

"I'll try. That would atually be really cool."

"What do you say?Are you up for it?" Rich asks me.

"I would love that, yes" I say. "Now you just have to win, Mason."

"We'll try" he laughs. "And on the 90 minutes."

"Perfect" I smile.

"Mase, bro. Thank you very much for these 5 minutes, we really appreciate it" Rich says.

"Of course, bro."

"Good luck on the final" I say.

"Thank you very much" he replies.

"Mason Mount, ladies and gentlemen!" Rich adds.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

"That was smooth" I say once the radio show is over.

"What do you mean?" Rich asks.

"Playing matchmaker with me and Mount?"

"I wasn't doing that."

"Of course not, Rich" I say, rolling my eyes.

"Ok, fine, maybe a bit. But it's because I think you would make a really nice couple. And you do find him hot."

"Whatever. I just hope we aren't on all the headlines tomorrow."

"I can already see it. The dj and the football star, flirting live on the radio" he laughs.

"Exactly" I say, elbowing him on the ribs.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

"You won't believe who just called" my agent says.

"I'm all ears."

"Chelsea."

"Who?" I ask while looking for a sweatshirt on my wardrobe. 

"The football team, you silly! They want you to play at the private party they are throwing to celebrate the Champions League!"

"Really?"

"Yep! Looks like Mount did as he promised..."

"Yeah" I say, focusing on finding that damn sweatshirt to keep me from thinking too much about it. About Mason asking his team to have me at their party.

"Maybe he fancies you."

"Mason Mount? Fancying me?" I snort. 

"Yes, you. You would make a really nice couple, you know."

"Don't be like Rich, please."

"I don't know what you are talking about. But we better find you a good outfit, you must look hotter than ever."

"Why?"

"Just in case..." my agent smirks.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

"This song goes for the goal scorer" I say, the first notes of "One Kiss" starting to play. 

While everyone starts cheering and singing, I look for Mason among the crowd. 

🎶 And I know that you'll still wanna see me

On the Sunday morning, music real loud

Let me love you while the moon is still out 🎶

When I finally spot him, he is smiling, his eyes fixed on me. I smile back, and he raises his glass, starting to sing the chorus of the song.

🎶 One kiss is all it takes

Falling in love with me

Possibilities

I look like all you need 🎶

After that, I have to look down, my cheeks burning. But my moment of shyness doesn't last long. When the next verse starts, I look for him again, meeting his eyes and now being the one who is singing, a cocky smile on his face while he watches me.

🎶 I just wanna feel your skin on mine

Feel your eyes do the exploring

Passion in the message when you smile

Take my time

Something in you lit up heaven in me

The feeling won't let me sleep

'Cause I'm lost in the way you move, the way you feel 🎶

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

"Someone wants to meet you."

"Who?" I ask while I get changed.

"The goal scorer" my agent says with the biggest grin. 

"Mason?"

"Yep. Do I ask him to come in?"

"I..." I say, looking around the little room Chelsea set for me to use as a dressings room. It is a mess. "I guess. But wait."

"What?"

"How do I look?"

"Gorgeous" my agent winks before leaving.

"Ok" I say to myself while taking deep breaths. Why am I this nervous? He is just a guy. One to whom I basically sang that I want to have sex with him, but just a guy.

"That was an amazing show."

"Oh shit!" I jump. 

"I'm sorry, I should have knocked before coming in."

"No, it's ok, it's ok" I smile. "I was just... Thinking."

"About anything in particular?" Mason asks with a cheeky smile.

"Just one song that I didn't sound like I wanted" I lie.

"Well, like I said... That was amazing, I loved it. And so did everyone else."

"Thank you, it means a lot. And congratulations on winning the Champions League."

"Thank you" he smiles. "And since we are thanking things, thank you for dedicating me my favourite song."

"Oh, that was nothing" I say with a nervous laugh.

"I think it actually was something" he says, taking a few steps forward towards me.

"What do you mean?"

"I just wanna feel your skin on mine, feel your eyes do the exploring”. You sang that to me."

"Did I?" I gulp.

"Yep" he says, licking his lips and making me feel... Things, like Rich said on the radio.

"I was... I just..."

"You..." he says, now standing very close to me.

"It's just a song" I shrug.

"One that you wrote."

"Yes."

"And is it true what it says? That one kiss is all it takes to fall in love with you?"

"I..." 

"I want to see if it's true" Mason whispers while his thumb caresses my cheek.

"You... Do?"

"I do" he whispers again, his lips almost touching mine. "And then..."

"And then?" I ask. 

"Might need your company tonight" he smiles, quoting another verse of the song before finally kissing me.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

#mason mount #mason mount imagine #mason mount x reader #mason mount fanfic #football imagine #football fanfic #masonimagine #Youtube

[cowboyb1ues]

Lipstick stains

Sorry for the lack of fics lately, but hopefully this can make up for some of it. This is my second smut, so the same rule goes as for the first one: if it’s bad don’t look at it and pretend you never saw it.

A fic about reader wearing a new dress and red lipstick and Mason being a horny mess. 18+!

Mason Mount x fem!reader (5.4k) 

My masterlist :)

The late afternoon sun was inching its way through the big windows of the bedroom, the sky outside painted in different hues of orange and pink.

The bedroom was relatively silent, the only sound disrupting the comforting quiet was the gentle hum of music coming from your phone from where it was charging on your bedside table and the muffled sounds of Mason mulling around downstairs waiting ever so patiently for you to finish up.

You were temporarily distracted by the beauty of the sky that was glowing above the garden and leaving the bedroom in a beautiful golden hue. Your fingers were fiddling with your styled hair as your eyes were focused on the sinking sun when you heard Mason’s voice call to you from down the staircase.

“You almost ready love?” he called up to you, effectively breaking you out of your reveries. 

“Yeah, give me two minutes,” you yelled back and focused back to your vanity in front of you and caught your own eyes in the reflection of the mirror.

Mason had invited you to tag along to a big dinner that the Chelsea team was holding in order to celebrate a successful season before they all got some well deserved time off to relax a tiny bit.

Mason had been quick to extend the invitation to you and you had happily accepted, never wanting to turn down the opportunity to see the love of your life enjoy himself with his coworkers and friends all the while he was semi dressed up. 

You smiled softly to yourself in the mirror before leaning forward to get a closer look at yourself, making sure that everything was in place and there weren't any accidental smudges anywhere. When you were satisfied you grabbed your favourite red lipstick and started to carefully paint it over your lips. 

You popped your lips softly together when you were done and brought your finger up to remove any that may have ventured outside of your lips. When everything was as good as it could be you stood up and moved over to the full body length mirror in the walk-in wardrobe. 

You turned from side to side as you expected the dark green dress you were wearing, the back, or rather lack thereof, exposing almost the entirety of your bare back and you smiled a little to yourself as you could already feel the phantom of Mason’s hand being permanently stuck there the entire evening. 

You grabbed a pair of heels and slipped them on before giving yourself a last final look in the mirror. You smiled to yourself as you tugged on the short hem, causing more of your cleavage to expose itself.

You let out a deep breath before you grabbed your purse and collected your phone from the bedside table and snagged your lipstick and dropped it in your purse and started to make your way down the stairs in the high heel without tripping.

As you made your way down you saw Mason leaning against one of the walls in the living room, his upper body covered in a crisp white button-up along with a black blazer. He was wearing a pair of similar black trousers and a pair of black trainers, causing you to roll your eyes at his refusal to wear a pair of dress shoes.

“Why is it that you can’t wear the pair of oxfords that I got you?” you asked as you finally descended all the way down the stairway, the soundtrack of your voice and the clicking of your heels against the wooden floors pulling his attention away from whatever he was doing on his phone.

You came to a standstill a couple of feet away from him and did a little pose and a small twirl when you saw his eyes scanning your body and the dress you were wearing. He straightened up from his position against the wall and tucked his phone back into his trouser pocket and took a couple of steps towards you.

“You know they hurt my toes,” he mumbled softly as his eyes continued to look you over. He took a hold of your hand before taking a step back, insinuating for you to make a slow twirl while holding his hand above your head. You did as he requested and smiled sweetly at him when he pulled you into his chest - his cologne and your perfume mixing together in the air around you

“You look fucking insane,” he said as his hands came to rest on your waist, his thumbs rubbing gently over the material of your dress.

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” you grinned up at him as you smoothed the blazer out around his shoulder and quickly fixed the collar of his shirt.

“Why have I never seen this dress before?” he asked and you slapped your hand against his shoulder when you saw how his eyes were trailing down your face and throat, down the were the dress was highlighting your boobs.

“Because it’s new,” you teased and tried to take a couple of steps back but Mason’s grip on your waist kept you firmly in place in front of him.

He simply hummed in understandment as he began to trail a string of delicate kisses over the expanse of your throat, his beard tickling your skin causing you to lean further into him and to giggle slightly.

“I think it’s my new favourite,” he mumbled against your jaw as he started to pepper kisses along there as well. 

“What about the red one,” you whispered in his ear, causing him to groan softly against you. The red dress that hung in your closet had always been a favourite of his; the deep shade of cherry along with the low neck and the sneaky slit on the thigh was always enough to drive him borderline insane anytime you wore it.

“I think this is a close second,” he said and let one of his hands travel to the miles of bare skin of your back and groaned when his hand made contact with your warm and soft skin. “A very close second in fact.”

He trailed his lips back down your neck but you were quick to pull away from him, your heels clicking on the floor. “We have to leave,” you giggled and mockingly matched the pout that was forming on his face, “I don’t wanna be late.”

You started to make your way to the front door with Mason trailing after you like a lost poppy, his feet dragging across the floor. “We can be a bit late,” he argued when you stepped out on the front steps, leaving him to lock the door behind him.

“And have your teammates tease us all night?” you called back to him without looking over your shoulder, “yeah, no thanks.”

You opened the door to the passenger side of his car and hopped in as he made his way over to the car as well. He sat down in the driver’s seat and started the car before carefully pulling out of the driveway.

“I think they’ll understand when they see you like that,” he said with a low voice and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

“I actually prefer your friends not having knowledge about our sexlife,” you huffed and leaned your head back against the headrest.

“Might be a bit too late for that,” Mason winced slightly as he spoke and laughed loudly when he saw your eyes widen in his peripheral vision.

“Mason!” you exclaimed and used your purse to smack his shoulder, a red flush crawling up your skin at the thought of his friends and coworkers knowing what goes on in your bedroom.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” he laughed wheesily while trying to counter your attacks with your purse with the hand that wasn’t firmly gripping the steering wheel.

“I hate you,” you mumbled and turned your head to look out of the window and see the streets of London pass you by, the golden honey from the sun coating the roofs of the towering buildings and the civilian passerbys. 

“I hate you too,” Mason mumbled but a small smile was ever present on his lips, like it was a sticker permanently stuck to his face any time you were within a mile of him.

The rest of the car ride passed in silence, only broken occasionally by a swear or two leaving Mason’s lips at the buzzing London traffic in the late afternoon. You tilted your head that was still resting on the headrest behind you and chanced a glance over at your boyfriend.

The golden light made his dark eyes glimmer and you were sure that if you got close enough, that you would be able to see the small flecks of gold that were buried in your favourite shade of brown. The sun made his lashes cast shadows over the top of his cheekbones where freckles were speckled, just begging for you to press soft kisses to them. 

You couldn’t help the hand that raised and pulled his face to yours as you sat waiting at a red light, his mere existence being the strongest magnet you had ever met and one you were too weak to ever attempt to resist. You pressed a soft kiss to his cheekbone while he kept his eyes on the road. Your lips left him slowly, the red stain on his skin mimicking that of a work of art.

“What was that for,” he whispered softly and let his free hand fall onto your thigh and gave it a loving squeeze.

“You just look very pretty,” you mumbled back and rubbed a hand down the back of his head and smoothed down some of his hair. You were slow in pulling your hand away from him, but before you could remove it completely he grabbed it and pressed the gentlest of kisses to the soft skin of your knuckles.

The car was doused in the love filled atmosphere as Mason pulled up to the venue where the event was held. He was quick in finding an available parking space and before you had the chance to free yourself from the seatbelt he had already dashed out of the car and made his way over to your side to open the door for you.

“Thank you,” you said and grabbed his hand as he helped you step out of the car. He closed the door behind you and grabbed your hand again and was ready to make his way to the entrance where he could see people already entering.

“Wait!” you said suddenly, making him jolt and turn to look at you with furrowed eyebrows.

“What?” he asked and scratched his jaw as he watched on as you searched through your bag, His frown only deepened when he saw you pull out a kleenex. You raised it to his cheekbone and started to rub softly over his soft skin as you tried to remove the lipstick stain you had left behind.

You stood for a little while and did your best to get rid of any evidence that your lips had been near him while he simply stood and complained that he felt like he was seven again, with his mother using tissues to rub dirt off of him.

“All better,” you smiled at him and put the tissue back in your purse.

He smiled and pressed an undetected kiss to your cheek before starting to lead you to the entrance.

The room where the dinner was held was already buzzing. Players, trainers, people from the medical team and everyone in between were mingling around, bright eyes and happy smiles adorning every face you spotted. 

You both turned when you heard Mason’s name being called and saw Kai make his way over with Sophia in tow. 

You smiled brightly at the pair and were quick to engulf them both in a hug as they came up to you. Mason and Kai were quick to get lost in their own little world as they had a tendency to do and left you Sophia to talk softly with each other. She was one of the first of Mason’s friend’s girlfriends that you had met when you had started dating and she had happily greeted you and had quickly become a dear friend with her kind smile and sweet voice.

Your conversation came to a halt when you felt Mason’s finger dance over the exposed skin of your arm and tilted his head slightly. He looked across the room and you followed his gaze to where Ben was standing across the room with his girlfriend on his arm.

You gave both Kai and Sophia a quick hug and agreed to catch up later before following behind Mason as he led you through the masses of people. 

You spent the time before the dinner was served to mingle around with Mason attached to your hip, his hand either firmly locked in yours or his arm wrapped around your shoulders.

As the sun started to make its departure for the day it was announced that dinner would be served and the pair of you found your way over to your designated seats and you sighed in relief when you saw that you would be sitting at a table with some of Mason’s closest friends and their partners.

The dinner was spent with bright eyes and happy smiles as the moon started its path over the ink black sky and Mason’s hand firmly nestled on your exposed thigh.

Every time there seemed to be a lull in the conversation his lips found your shoulder and pressed a series of kisses against it.

You turned your head when he did it and nuzzled your nose softly against his when he raised his head.

“Have I told you how amazing you look in that dress?” he whispered to you and tugged some of your hair behind your ear.

“Once or twice,” you giggled and blushed slightly when he pressed a kiss to the apple of your cheek.

“Also a new thing to add to the list of favourites,” he said before leaning in and whispering in your ear, “that lipstick would look amazing around my cock don’t you think?”

“Mason!” you chastised lowly, eyes carefully scanning the table to see if anyone had picked up the crude remark coming from your boyfriend.

He just laughed softly before sitting back in his own seat, his thighs spread ever so slightly and even in the dim lighting of the room you could see the outline of his bulge through his trousers.

You shook your head and turned back to the table and happily started to engage in a conversation with Sophia who was sitting not far from you.

The rest of the evening passed without a hitch, there were speeches being held and toasts being made and you could feel all the love that was evaporating from the Chelsea team.

You had gone to the bathroom near the end of the night and had pulled the bullet out from your purse and started to apply a fresh layer of lipstick that had faded over the course of the dinner.

When you were happy you exited the bathroom and started your way down the long hallway toward the ballroom. 

A shriek escaped your lips when you felt a hand grab your wrist and pull you around a corner. You sighed loudly when you saw Mason with a mischievous grin on his face and used your purse to slap his suit covered chest.

“You suck,” you huffed and crossed your arms as you stood in front of him. He just shrugged before gripping the sides of your neck with his hands and pulled you in so you could give him a kiss.

You relaxed against him and took a small step towards him and rested your hands on his shoulders while the toes of your heels bumped his.

One of his hands migrated to the back of your neck to hold you against him as his tongue prodded your lower lip to grant him access.

You sighed against his lips when you felt his tongue starting to dance with yours and you dripped tightly on the lapels of his blazer.

“I told the others we are heading home,” he mumbled when your lips parted and he wrapped an arm around your waist.

“Oh?” you tilted your head and furrowed your brows slightly.

He nodded before kissing you again, making you notice the red stain on and around his lips.

“I don’t think I can wait anymore,” he said as he watched you pull out the kleenex from earlier so you could get the makeup off of him.

“Wait for what, exactly?” you teased as you wiped around his mouth before dragging it softly around the outline of your own to ensure that you didn’t leave any evidence of your secret rendezvous.

“To fuck you silly,” he whispered in your ear when you were done and you didn’t really get the chance to say anything else before he started to drag you through the hallway and to the exit of the venue.

On your way out you managed to wave goodbye to a few familiar faces with Mason’s hand firmly locked with yours.

He led you to the car across the parking lot that was bathed in light from the moon and streetlights.

“I hope you’re ready to explain to everybody we had to leave so abruptly,” you said as he opened your door for you. He closed it softly when you were sitting comfortably and jogged over to the other side.

“I’ll just tell them that you were feeling unwell,” he shrugged like it was nothing and started to pull his way out of the parking spot.

“Great,” you giggled and shook your head at his antics, “just pin all the blame on me.”

“I think that you’d find that it is actually your fault we’re leaving.”

“Oh really?” you asked incredulously and turned your head to look at him as he pulled out on the road, “please enlighten me.”

“If you didn’t look that hot we wouldn’t have to leave,” he explained like it was infallible logic.

You rolled your eyes and turned your head to watch the streets pass you by as the remainder of the drive was covered in a layer of silence. 

When the car pulled up to the house you sat in your seats for a while before you opened the doors and Mason locked the car. He offered you his elbow and you accepted it gladly and leaned your head against his shoulder as he led you up to the front door.

He opened the door and allowed you to walk into the empty house before closing it again and locked it once again for the night and started to fiddle with the security system. You placed your bag on the table in the hall and started your trek up the stairs and smiled when you heard Mason call out impatiently, “wait up!”

You heard his shoes against the carpet on the stairs before you felt his arms wrap around your waist to hold you in place. 

He buried his head in your shoulder and started to press kisses to the exposed skin before turning around so he could press a small kiss to your puckered lips.

He walked you backwards slightly until your back hit the wall before kissing you again, this time a little bit deeper with his hand cradling the back of your head. 

You couldn’t help the giggle that passed your lips as Mason had you pressed against the wall in the hallway. His lips left yours and followed an invisible path down your neck, sucking and biting softly wherever he found fit. The strands of his beard tickled your delicate skin as he continued his mission, but the tickling feeling mixed with the feeling of his tongue running over your pulse was enough for you to close your eyes and let your head fall back against the wall in pure delight.

You hand was holding the back of his head and you scratched and pulled when he found the spot he knew would make you weak in the knees.

“I've been waiting for this since the moment you stepped down those stairs,” he mumbled into your skin before he pulled back ever so slightly to look at you, his pupils blown from the love and wine he had consumed that evening.

“Yeah?” you whimpered softly when he started to press kisses to your cheek before finally pressing his lips against yours.

One of his arms came to wrap around your waist and pulled you flush against him.

“Yeah,” he mumbled against you and started to lead you to the bedroom with his lips still dancing with your own, “you need to wear red lipstick more often.”

He kicked the door to the bedroom open and waddled you over and pushed you gently so that you laid down on the soft bedding. He pulled himself on top of you and even in the dim light of the silver moon you could see the smears of red on his lips.

Before he had the chance to kiss you again you lifted your thumb to try to remove some of the makeup but he just shook his head and mumbled a sofl ‘don’t’ before kissing you with everything he had once again. 

You clumsily kicked off your heels and smiled against his lips when you felt and heard him doing the same in the quiet room. The only sound that could be heard was the sound of breathless panting and lips continuously interlocking with each other. 

You felt his hand grip your thigh and manoeuvred to part them slightly more so he could fit himself between them. You raised your hands to gently push on his shoulders so that he tumbled to the side on his back, giving you the opportunity to climb on top of him.

You smiled down at him before kissing him, allowing your hair to fall as a curtain around you, shielding you from anything that dared interrupt. You pressed fast kisses to his lips before you slowly started to trail them across his jaw and neck. You smiled to yourself when you heard his breathless whimpers and groans as you sicked and licked at his skin as you continued your path down to where he had unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirts.

You trailed your hands under the blazer he had yet to take off and pushed it down slightly, humming when he took the hint and raised himself slightly from the bed and removed it from his shoulders and tossed it across the room. 

You gave him a small reward kiss before continuing your trek down his neck and let your nimble fingers start to unbutton his shirt and let your lips stick to the skin that slowly became exposed. You let your lips, tongue and teeth drag over his chest and abdomen, basking in the way his breath faltered and hitched, the pants and groans that passed his red painted lips.

You dragged your tongue over the trail of hair that ran from his bellybutton to down under his trousers. You started to unbuckle his belt as he threw his head back against the fluffy pillow under him while his hands dragged over his face and through his hair.

“I think it’s time to see how good this lipstick looks on your cock,” you said teasingly, mimicking the phrase he had told you at dinner, as you got comfortable between his legs. 

He let out a loud groan at you words and pinched the bridge of his nose before casting his eyes down on you.

You dragged his trousers down his legs, his cock already straining against his black boxers. You lowered yourself down and let your breath fan over the bulge and grinned when he whined your name in desperation. You pressed kisses to his cock through the material and started to peel the underwear off of his hips.

When the boxers joined his trousers bunched up around his thighs you didn’t hesitate to start pressing kisses up and down his length. You tilted your head when you felt him move around and saw him turn to the bedside table so that he could turn on one of the bedside lamps so that he could see you with more help than just the silver moon.

You smiled up at him, the redness of your lips matching the removable tattoos that were painted over his own mouth and chest, and now his dick as well.

He threw his head back with a groan when you took the head of him into your mouth, slowly letting your lips sink further down on him before pulling off. You hummed at the red ring you had left behind before dragging your tongue down the side of him before popping him back in your mouth again.

You continued to take him in your mouth, alternating between sinking your lips down on him and pressing kisses to his cock while your hand helped to take what of him that your mouth couldn’t.

“Y/N,” he groaned and started to slowly buck his hips up to meet your mouth. You relaxed your jaw and opened your mouth a little wider and let him fuck your mouth slowly while his hands gripped tightly on your hair.

You could feel tears slowly starting to form in your eyes at the feeling of him continuously hitting the back of your throat.

You felt him twitch in your mouth and you took it as your queue and you slowly pulled off of him and let him take in your smudged makeup and crazed hair.

You slowly crawled off the bed while maintaining eye contact with him until you finally stood at the end of the bed.

You smiled innocently at him as he laid in the middle of the fluffy white bed; hair a mess as a product of his own hands, red lipstick stained skin with his dress shirt lying open over his shoulders along with trousers bunched around his thighs with his cock lying on his stomach.

A sight you desperately wanted to take a photo off and store away for the next time he left for a longer period of time.

“You gonna take that dress off, baby?” he asked, his voice rough and strained.

“Just for you,” you said softly and slowly started to loosen the ties that kept the dress together and let the dress pool down around your feet on the floor.

You felt his eyes drag over your figure from your bare boobs to the black lace thong that you knew he loved.

“Can you give me a twirl?” he asked and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, eyes wide as you slowly turned around, letting his eyes follow your every move.

When you faced him again he brought his hands up to grip your hips and pulled you towards him and started to kiss over your stomach and hips, his beard scratching the skin while his nose nudged against you. He dragged his kisses over the front of your underwear while looking up at you from under his lashes.

You moaned softly as he pressed a kiss to your covered clit and raised a hand to run through his dark hair.

He started to slowly take the thong off his lips pressing to the new skin. He spread your legs slightly so he could wedge his hand between your thigh and ran his finger over your slick folds before stopping to rub slow circles over your clit.

“Mason,” you whined at the feeling and tightened your grip on the back of his head.

“You’re soaked,” he grumbled before pushing a finger into you and started to pump it in and out of you slowly. 

He bit at the skin on your stomach and pressed his face further into the skin as he added another finger and started to go faster.

Your moans started to pick up in volume and your upper body leaned slightly over his as he continued to spread you open with his skilled fingers.

“Baby,” you moaned and straightened up when you felt his thumb start to rub over your clit again while his fingers started going at a mind numbing pace.

“You like that?” he asked, but his voice was low and muffled into your skin so you weren’t sure if you were even meant to hear it in your blissful state.

You moaned loudly when you felt his fingers hit the spot inside of you that you knew only he could reach and almost tumbled over him as you felt the knot in your tummy tighten. He continued with his fingers and before you knew it your mind went numb and the overwhelming pleasure rushed over you as tidalwaves.

A loud moan of his name escaped your lips as he pulled his fingers out of you and looked at how soaked they were before slowly lifting them up to your mouth.

You happily took them into your mouth and closed your eyes as you sucked on them, using your tongue to make sure you had gotten every last drop of your juices. He groaned and leaned his forehead against your stomach before moving swiftly and wrapped his arms around you and pulled you down on top of him as he laid down on the bed.

You felt him use his hand to guide the head of his cock to your entrance before slowly pushing into you.

You buried your head in his shoulder, not paying attention to how the last bits of your lipstick were transferring to the collar of his otherwise clean white shirt.

He turned his head as his hips thrusted up into you slowly, his lips seeking out yours. The kiss was a mess of tongues and breathless moans.

You slowly sat up and rested your hands on his chest as you started bouncing up and down on him slowly before starting to pick up the pace.

Your nails scratched over his chest at the feeling of him and you threw your head back in a loud moan when you felt him deliver a quick slap to your ass to encourage you to keep going. 

You continued to bounce up and down with your hands on his chest as his hands tried to seek purchase somewhere, but they never seemed to be satisfied. They travelled from your ass to your hips and up to your boobs before making the same road back.

You leaned down so you pressed your chest against his and started grinding against him while kissing his exposed neck while paying special attention to the spot just under his ear.

He groaned your name loudly as he gripped your hips tightly and used them to help you grind down on him. He buried his head in your hair as he started to thrust up into you again with a forceful rhythm making you jerk against him with every thrust and whimpers and whines spilling out of you.

He moved to sit up and kept a fierce grip around your waist and helped you meet his thrusts as you on his lap with his legs hanging over the end of the bed.

He dug his blunt nails into the skin on your hips and moaned loudly when he felt you clench around his length. 

The familiar knot in your stomach was back and the feeling of overwhelming pleasure licked its way over your spine. The feeling exploded when Mason gave a particular hard thrust, your head dropped to bury itself in the crook of his neck as he continued to sloppily thrust into you as you came around him.

His own orgasm came close after, your name a religious pantra falling from his lips as he got absorbed in the sinful delight that spread over his entire being.

You felt his cum coat your walls as he gave the final few thrust before he fell back against the bed. You remained sitting on his lap with your hands resting on his chest to keep you up.

“Holy fuck,” he mumbled with his arm over his eyes as his chest rose up and down.

You just giggled at the sight of him before leaning down to press a small kiss to his open mouth before quickly dashing to the bathroom to remove the smudged lipstick stains.

#to celebrate that sexy win for chelsea #england nt #chelsea fc #cfc #football #football imagine #money mase #mason mount #mason mount blurb #mason mount blurbs #mason mount fanfic #mason mount fic #mason mount imagine #mason mount imagines #mason mount smut #mason mount fluff #mason mount one shot #mason mount x reader #mason mount x you

[sugar-petals]

get to know football prince kai havertz: intro masterpost

as my recent pretty boy agenda entails writing long ass meme essays about handsome male football players for you to look at and enjoy 

today’s the day you get to check out the man of all men

welcome to an extensive introduction guide on germany’s #1 cheekbone export

with the wholesome hobbies

and the most important goal in european football this year

if you wanna know more about this looker? join the ted talk it’s gonna be outrageous

the sleek specimen in question: mr. kai lukas havertz (22), accidental supermodel forward at fc chelsea in england, yeah that’s the london team with the dark blue shirts, go tell em your sexy number kai:

29 bc he has 2 great legs and 9 lives like a cat, he respawns from everything you throw at him, you can see it from a mile away

immortal vampire with a back problem kinda guy, we hired him to scare the opposing teams shitless with his ominous booty posing it works

ikr he always looked way older than he is, blame that intense bone structure and low brow, kai’s barely in his 20s the hell

and admirably already made it as far as you can in the clubs, in case you heard about the champion’s league (...where all the best and sassiest european clubs compete for a comically large silver goblet), he scored the final’s winning goal 

awkwardly, in typical fashion — my man tripped over the goalkeeper — but he did it, aged 21, very proud right here, this is how it happened:

wonderkid kai is also an attacker in the german national team, as the #7, which is the number of maximum years i predict it takes until he won the euros and the world cup at least once, it’s only a matter of time germany is gearing up we’re hotter than ever 😤

in both teams he’s basically um yeah moving his body back and forth gracefully on a large green field while looking amazing and doing genius things, that’s his job summary it’s simple on paper

the english press calls him the ‘silky german‘ and i get why, that silhouette that focus those fancy brows

since kai is a forward he’s also notoriously tangling himself up in the net of the opposing goal (you kinky mf, bondage in broad daylight)

and piercing through the competition with these absurd cheekbones 

(it’s not plastic surgery. he always had these)

a whole model menace but please he’s actually goofy 

should you wonder how to pronounce him at this point, roll the r a little harder and you got it down. he goes by kai havats if you consult most english commentators but the correct german rendition is kai-há-ve-ar-ts

he got a lotta fans learning how to spell it, eye of the hurricane, especially chelly simps for him 24/7

let’s find out in detail how my spaghetti-shaped husband is causing such a stir, this thread is structured with hashtags and we’re starting with the most obvious:

#LOOKS

so you’d like to know about his features and how to spot him (unsurprisingly: very easy, he’s a sore thumb everywhere, and surrounded by his puppy children)

we have all kinds of overly specific nicknames for his appearance, if you see ‘[random weird word] prince’ on football tumblr you’ll know it’s him 

catch kai by his goal celebration: sticking his tongue out as far as he can, he thinks he’s havertz thee stallion, then he ends up like this somewhere at the goal line

kai always seems like he just broke into a different dimension, like a christian saint picture almost? why is he always looking up, what does he see, why is there suddenly a ray of light 

he’s an offensive 6’3 tall, i guess he has a different perspective on what’s happening behind heaven’s door, maybe he consults with god on how to score after the next corner kick or something, no surprise he is so divine

anyway. never knew a bloke named kai who was unattractive, havi is no exception if not a prime example of overly serious tumblr sexyman

the whole fandom (i’m not aware that havertz stans call themselves a certain way universally, i just call ourselves the havies) agrees he’s the weirdest-looking 10/10 in the football game, and photographers eat him the fuck up

with a bunch of strange lighting and uneventful sponsored clothes he already brings on his inner lucky blue smith, holy mother of hair product they can make my giant baby look 35

even the way he just stands there is peak posing talent, he always tilts his hip to the right and hits the tyra banks, he came to be a statue

you can tell that people who stan this big ole asparagus all have cripplingly high expectations towards men and unfair beauty standards, a moment of silence for guys who are not kai havertz, when will they do notable slutty things every day like he does, when will they keep up, in their defence he was written by a woman i think (that’s arguably hard to achieve)

in that exact spirit he’s complemented ofc by lovely romantic curls and waves, contrasts well with his famously gaunt and bony face, love it when it’s longer and swept aside, very greek very heartthrob, i told you he’s unrealistic

he runs his hands through it every other second to indulge us, does he read our posts or what? log off tumblr kai practice your goal finish

he once had a straight hair phase back in the day and it was also very comely if not jawdropping, and don’t you say a bad word about his acne

the eyes are just amazing i’m aware, channelling some disney villain realness and then there’s kai’s doggo lmao, he is trying his best to paint himself as the most intense dog father ever like why, nobody’s gonna hurt your woofer smh

instantly recognizable long legs from a distance, kai stumbles across the lawn constantly. they do what they want faster than he can catch up, christ he’s talented

even at their most muscular they stay naturally slim, my man is very ectomorph, so streamlined mwah

since havi came to england from his former club leverkusen he did buff up a bit, his upper body is a lil different (also note the beautiful hands btw)

(more hand appreciation, they really are flawless)

his shoulder area is great too, the right balance of everything, a little geometry a little slope a little boyfriend vibes

and btw, geometrics: hey, chelsea. stop handing him these wild jersey prints. my head is spinning, kai’s already hypnotizing enough

and grant him more free time so he can indulge in his shaving fetish istg (...kai insists he hates having a beard on himself and his royal mood does turn more awry with every new grown millimeter — which is a problem since he gets a 5′o’clock shadow faster than his career took off, goddamnit havertz hormones)

that being said i bet his hair and aftershave smell so perfectly princely pristine like am i right or am i right, silky IS the right word, give this man a shaving commercial, come on gillette you cowards

...to sum things up. his face can’t be missed: everything’s flatter on the bone than the netherlands, his smile has these 3 fish-like wrinkles because he’s koi havertz our merman husband, touchable curly curls and browly brows, you almost never see the bottom row of his teeth, his suffering eyes are shaded like an anime swordsman on a vengeance streak, michelangelo went a little too feral when he put the chisel on kai’s cheekbones, aaand the fade up his nape and above his ears is so professionally done i’m about to faint from haircut bliss

razors and kai are best friends. spare my wig oh god why

he doesn’t have the same barber as chelsea’s goalie, but they look like brothers so watch out for major confusion, that’s mister ⭐️ kepa arrizabalaga revuelta ⭐️ for you right here, again for you to read it: ✨ arrizabalaga ✨

yes what a hot name, football twitter calls him kabi for short, i call him catty, or balenciaga, go on señor gato give us everything

mr revuelta is basically the 6’1 stubborn spanish version of kai with bigger gloves

kai’s hands are always cold so he wears gloves too, the man freezes as soon as the temperature drops below 25 celsius, he’s walking around like a bank robber, u just have to do a double take sometimes if it’s not kepi the cat ok

as a rule of thumb, kai is taller, like he would bang up his head standing inside kepa’s box lol

balenciaga’s cheekbones are deceptive and his frame is copy paste kai with slightly bigger tiddies i know, but kai’s silly ((( = u = ))) smile gives it away i think

ok now you know another sexy guy from chelsea and kai’s clone you’re very revuel-come

TL;DR — kai is ready for a milan runway, he’s very oddly sexy, kepa is the white gloves guy standing AT the goal and kai is the black gloves guy IN the goal because he crashed into the net for the nth time, i’m confident you can tell him apart on the pitch just look for a tall brunette with a knot in his legs

#PERSONALITY & PEOPLE

never let the royally stern expression trick you

kai is a raging enthusiast for rural life since early on. i know, adorable

you always find him somewhere squatting in a barn (he’s too tall for any ceiling) or outdoors. SOFT

donkeys are his thing, he’s big on animal rights (anti zoo, anti circus), he looks so beaten down if he can’t hug his donkeys daily, if someone calls them goats he’s rolling his eyes and goes off, this stuff is important to him he’ll protecc donkeys with his life thanks to him the whole fandom came to appreciate them

yes kai is ranty as hell once you set him off, he also cusses when he gets too excited and always ends up apologizing on twitter after winning something lmao

as a balancing opposite to being a swearing farmer he’s into the latest gaming technology, always scares the living hell out of himself when something unexpected happens

and guess who joins the gaming sesh and outdoor activities? oh yeah there’s a lady

kai’s childhood sweetheart and gf sophia weber. she’s not very much in the limelight or on social media but we do have some cute lq pictures of shy havi getting smooches 😌

been together for ages, very sweet couple, kai is always “my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend” that’s right, i adore these two, we sometimes see some PDA at the big games ( ˘ ³˘)♥

sophia is all of us

i love it she’s so enjoying herself

what i want to say she is an exquisite lady who want to congratulate, but i don’t really have to tell her, she knows, the smile says it all 

not one doubt who’s the boss here let’s not beat around the bush

as far as we can tell by their updates kai is a very whimsical, cap-wearing but loving boyfriend and makes someone a very happy girl so we love to see it, she’s v proud of him like every german national team and chelsea fan so she’s our representative 🤗, his waist is free real estate i thoroughly approve

like isn’t miss soph lucky, and they are a little dog family 🐶😭

the man is a complete romantic he plays the piano and whatnot, superb hobbies what can i say 

meanwhile his raging hormones resulted in baby fever and spiralling dad instincts so kai has been out there collecting the most endearing big puppers left and right so he has something tiny to take care of

(granted, everything and everyone looks tiny next to him)

now ye know where the tongue goal celebration comes from he learned from the greatest

sometimes he’s a bouncy upbeat doggo himself, don’t let the pokerface and height misguide you

especially in the presence of a certain gentleman who is very important in kai’s biography

mister julian ‘bestie’ brandt (25), a north german footballer himself, very blonde very cute very sexy, a triple threat you’ll like him, yes he’s also in the dog squad

(brand means fire or arson in german. no wonder he’s so hot)

jules is kai’s former leverkusen co-player in the midfield hence their connection, they know each other they’re friends from work

these two bromance the living hell out of each other on ig, always did photoshoots together, kai was glued to julian, they partied with each other’s families they go on vacation together they did joint interviews and fanmeets and promos

the football world watched on and concluded: goals with ball — second priority. #bravertz goals — first priority (beaming grins, how we love that)

nowadays, bad news, they’re far apart bc career, julian became a yellow bumblebee at dortmund back in germany which is a big deal the club is a staple

they complain about missing each other all the time, even way before his departure to england kai’s smirk has been wiped from his face i worry a lot is he ok

maybe they meet again in the national team, under ideal circumstances they play together for the crosscontinental tournaments which the entire internet and football press loves, bravertz can inspire world peace they are a humanitarian institution come on let them play

so yeah talk about pokerface, i know i know the man might um radiate some slightly pink purple and blue particles through these cheekbones if you catch my drift, god bless him

fingers crossed for julian’s inclusion in the germany nt soon

and as far as blessings and humanitarian things go, anyway. kai auctioned off a hundred of his expensive ass boots to help german flood relief, you heard about what was going on, he raised lots of awareness

again don’t be fooled: his personality in interviews is basically one-liners, the english press thinks he doesn’t care about anything based on his exhausted face apparently

it’s true that kai’s pitch alter ego is a sickly victorian leg poser who’s had too much opium and an existential crisis after church, but with his friends he’s all giggles and we know he’s a snuggly boo, am very glad to see his benevolent koi smile shining down on us every time 🐟☀️

like. i mean. this bitch is a gemini. A GEMINI! his moon is in taurus, and he’s a slutty catholic. i like slutty catholic geminis with their moon in taurus, hence i like kai it’s simple, he has a lotta sides to him, a special charisma y’know

june 11, 1999. that just rolls off the tongue. he’s from aachen which is notoriously impossible to pronounce for non-natives so let’s just say he’s west german from a district that has a lot of medieval history, the architecture is as majestic as he is

yeah i’m also wondering. how on earth did a homoerotic westphalian farmer from the 8th century get reincarnated in such a strange and glamorous haute couture body i don’t understand it, how did that happen

gemini duality i guess, best of both worlds 👌

he’s young and old… beautiful and odd… progressive and countrified… sweet and grumpy… an absolute hoe and a moral institution… get yourself a dude who’s like men’s shampoo. 2 in 1

saint and sinner i’m telling you, miss sophie is my witness he can do both

wait. kai actually has his own men’s shampoo franchise i’m crying

anyhow, since he is so young and manifold, i’m glad that he has older players at chelsea and the national team to look up to, or um to look down to, he’s so huge bro, imagine having to work with him and all you see is this, it’s no wonder that our germany nt is waving the rainbow flag more aggressively these days, kai is level 10 crushcore

in the national team he’s taller than our goalkeeper (wannabe boxer manuel neuer, right) and our buffest midfielder (mister world leon goretzka, middle) RIP, especially to kai’s back

everybody looks like he is their grumpy supermodel nanny i swear

my man really has to grow into that role please go easy on him he’s more of a moody teenager than a leader, he can only glare so much from the bench like a renaissance painting

gladly enough kai’s brain is impeccably devoid of anything at all, how else could he handle that level of fame and football capitalism, like if you ever heard him speak it’s basically the sloth in zootopia talking about family and home life, on the pitch he’s just there to speed around and be stunning so thank you for your service my prince

#STOWY

so a little bit on his story, not too many endless numbers and data but rather a cute childhood pic first, he still bites down his lip that way nothing has changed

havi has come a long way

for a dude this illegally handsome, his parents sure do work for the german law, we don’t know much about them but his dad is/was a police officer and his mom an attorney

they didn’t do anything to stop and arrest him i guess. and frankly nobody’s mad. kai can be as criminally sexy as he wants when he wants where he wants he’s the prom king made in bayer 04 leverkusen my friends, for ten whole years

the interesting thing is: kai’s father ralf was actually a footballer much like kai’s granddad but had to quit since it didn’t bring in any money, look at them now at the european championships

safe to say they don’t have that problem anymore. i’m not joking with you twinkus maximus is worth a 100 (!) million

yeah us havies stan an unaffordable man. if i want him at my own hypothetical football club, i can maybe buy a small corner of a donkey barn and try to lure him with that so he comes for free. but y’know. his happy face is priceless that matters the most don’t forget that

chelsea on the other hand, madmen they are, really paid that fucking sum for him to break up with julian, leave germany, and take the next step, now he’s an english superstar; london and twitter adore him

recently his performance isn’t always top-notch usually resulting in a wave of sighs, oh well, people forget he got fucked up by having corona in 2020, and julian is nowhere to be seen in england, the guy’s happy pill is absent, but kai scores when it’s important as we know, the trophies don’t lie

recently the other chelsea attack stars got struck with injury so now he can show what he got and the goals are settling in one by one, he remains a wizard 

havi’s manager is a fellow german, the hopelessly crazed intelligence monster thomas tuchel, who somehow uses his shoes to hex his enemies & manages to accidentally create beef with any higher executives or big players every time, but i’d be damned if i wouldn’t say he recognizes quality and is passionate, his eyes are the keenest he analyzes it all

each premier league coach is completely gung-ho this is a fair warning, tuchi is not even close to an exception he’s the belly of the beast

thomas’ eyes and ears are very round that’s how you recognize him, i don’t know how else to describe this man. it’s like. he’s thinking about the ball so much, he became the ball. why are his ears so perfectly round

mind you a whole bucket of credit is due here, tuchi is a tactics and team building genius who sets very strict rules the german way so that’s exactly what kai needs he’s a whole ass bottom remember

it’s reassuring to know that they don’t have a language barrier because hav’s english skills are notoriously picasso-esque and 80% nasty words he picked up on the pitch (my man got so corrupted on the island 😭) and thomas is a true spiralling virgo weirdo who has to translate his english from the bavario-swabian linguistic complexities in his head. imagine the chaos

for those worrying that you have to learn german to understand kai: he talks in singular quips and chuckles, tweets in english, also in like four words or two unrelated emojis each, gemini again

…and half of football tumblr is both translating and clowning his every move. don’t fret my footie frens, you will know what he’s up to. and as with all footballers it’s the body that talks the most

and oh boy is kai talkative in that regard, body ody ody language

the havies can read his mood from the angle of his eyebrows by the millimeter, he is blatantly obvious and rejects being trained in PR i suspect, kai being unfiltered is v important to me and every football tumblr meme blog

for instance when he kaispreads on the bench he wants to be comforted and his disappointment is immeasurable that’s one rule

when he’s dragging himself across the pitch going >:| he is dire need of a particular huggy style. if he can’t bury his face in the crook of someone’s neck kai’s yearning turns into brooding turns into frowning turns into 24/7 emo grumbling. so please. give him hugs.

and when he goes *%&§#*+=?%&!! and his tongue is so far out it’s touching his toes he’s happy and carefree and trolling the press, get nasty kai 🤘👅

don’t you know that bottoms keysmash. he does that when he speaks. um kai this is not a text message it’s a real conversation

...you can tell we’ll hear a lot from him in the future

#TECH

and now the last segment: skills. but talking about football tactics and technique in text form is literally so dull though, let’s make it horny like the man himself

okay so you wanna experience what this pricey eyebrows bottom can do

if you see a constantly bent-over guy or a really tall person blocking people with his back on the field like a little spoon, that’s him at work. sometimes he squats down with his ass right in the camera

just peg him already

if u don’t believe me that he’s a little spoon ask sophia smh

he’s always running around in complicated swirls on the pitch, resembles his hair pretty much

kai kind of reminds me of a stork in his style of play, i mean it in the best of ways 

also. with all that tongue stuff it’s only logical kai’s head game is pure fire, he’s working with his height ugh he jumps so damn high

but then again. in front of the goal he suddenly becomes the most patient person on the planet?? like he starts doing little tricks when the area is empty and he could just put the ball in?? he’s literally waiting?? tf why is he like ok uwu time for some on-pitch orgasm denial?? wow, and how

JUST SHOOT ALREADY, SHOOT

the whole penalty area could be on fire and he is there… chilling with the ball… dribbling it left to right… channelling his inner donkey energy…

i think he just wants to have people yell at him what to do

yea the finish is a bit— you know, embellished 

(which includes almost busting his princely nose bridge by tumbling over the defense, kai please take care of your face the world depends on it)

#klutzykai

he’s also known for going completely overboard in one-on-one once provoked, his revenge tackles are more english than the english players, zero nuance detected, he has no idea how to be aggressive properly, also he’s throwing his co-players around like tomorrow never comes, cool down lukas nobody wants to celebrate goals with you anymore

you’re not a west london thug and you’re not built like mister romelu lukaku, kai please for the love of god when people test you stay classy

(^lukaku, also plays at chelly like kai, he’s five times as broad compared to our asparagus)

same thing when germany plays: the whole nation watches with horror as kai bodychecks another midfielder and then proceeds to axe some defenders he hates

he’s too skinny for it anyway but my man is officially disqualified from being a himbo he’s a rude one, but i think he’s targeting biphobes so i’m okay with it as long as he doesn’t collect red cards

i mean maybe he could need a little help from a friend. i think a lot of people are jealous of his vibes and prompt him, there’s a lotta ppl who wanna break these legs it seems

he’s had a player spit on him on the pitch in 2019, like wtf, so it’s understandable why he wants to send some don’t fuck with me signals, the referee is very busy with the guys around him i hate it here

dudes straight up wanna fight kai for existing. this madrid boomer nacho fernandez was wilding out on him at the champion’s league semifinal this year to the point where one of the chelsea veteran defenders had to free kai from his misery down there

mister césar azpilicueta you hereby receive the kai protection award from yours truly 

and @ nacho stop bullying the prince of germany and discriminating against bottoms

kai’s noodly looks and legs are not his fault. touch him again and 80 million germans lead by julian brandt are ready to break your nacho nuts i’m maD

we’re about to end nacho’s career faster than kepa kitty can kill a penalty

i am reassured to know that timo werner is also playing at the chels, he’s a bitchy german striker with the good hair and a confusing smile so kai has someone similar to talk to, lmao these two 

….although maybe some TLC would also be very nice for kai he’s just a very tall dog owner who’s very touch- and donkey-deprived, he’s kinda exhausting himself on the pitch without his cuddle battery being loaded

he’s great to watch regardless, the made in lermany (leverkusen + germany)  quality is undeniable, he’s so glam he’s got mentality he is the moment, look at my spaghetti spouse

his style is leggy it’s convoluted and relies on bending over way too damn much = all in all every reason for tops around the world to switch on the latest german national team circus performance

or another dramatic chelly game at stamford bridge or wherever else they’re implementing tuchel’s tormentation tactics

watching kai is like he’s playing effortless piano with his feet

i can understand why he is so damn expensive

the lovely legs cannot be fathomed by someone who never saw kai wind and little spoon himself through a wall of defense… chef’s kiss

so that’s it on kai havats, hope you enjoyed the wild ride, hope you support my gen z husband or at least liked the leg pics

and chellies: we gang up on nacho and the guy who spit on kai next friday at 5 pm behind stan-ford bwidge, tuchi just rage texted me he’s joining with his shoe

we’re waiting for u nacho <3

🌸 in the meantime 🌸

i wish kai a very champion of europe and i hope all your donkey farm dreams come true, thank you for blessing us with your saintishly sinful handsomeness, our curly prince beloved, our 2-in-1 men’s shampoo, the only cheek gills gemini we can accept, i love you twinkus maximus you’re one of a kind 🐟💙

#kai havertz #fc chelsea #germany nt #football #german nt #long post #football intro #kai havertz memes #germany nt memes #football memes #julian brandt #bravertz #timo werner #thomas tuchel #romelu lukaku #sophia weber #bayer leverkusen #borussia dortmund #humor

[tabloidtoc]

Star, May 10

You can buy a brand new copy of this issue without the mailing label for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Meghan Markle having twin girls (oops!)

Page 1: Famous for doing his own stunts, Tom Cruise helicoptered in to the tiny English village of Levisham to film aboard, or rather hanging off of, a vintage train and along for the ride was his Mission: Impossible 7 costar Hayley Atwell, who was spotted running along the top of the North Yorkshire Moors Railway car and while the pair, surrounded by crew and tech experts, were total pros, it's an open secret on set that their romance is going strong and Tom and Hayley hang out non-stop when the cameras are off and are pretty much joined at the hip but not in a showy, PDA way; it's a very discreet thing they've got going on -- off-camera, 58-year-old Tom and 39-year-old Hayley enjoy quiet nights holed up in Tom's London digs, eating meals specially prepared by his private chef and they'll watch movies or read books or just chill out doing their own thing -- chilling out isn't Tom's forte, as audio leaked of him berating the film's crew for violating COVID-19 protocols, but things have calmed down considerably as the spy flick, due in theaters May 2022, closes in on its wrap date, but the ensuing publicity push will put Tom and Hayley's relationship front and center, but don't expect the devoted Scientologist to jump on any couches (a la Katie Holmes) announcing wife No. 4 as Tom has learned the hard way about putting everything out there and getting picked to pieces; this time, it's all about subtlety

Page 2: Contents, Cher got up and personal with the World's Loneliest Elephant Kaavan, who she helped relocate to Cambodia

Page 3: Brie Larson in a swimsuit with butterflies on it during a getaway to Hawaii, with headphones at the ready Brooke Burke was itching to cut a rug with friends before teaching a silent disco cardio party at the Rafi Lounge in Malibu, Maria Shriver and Christina Schwarzenegger enjoyed some quality time on a stroll in L.A., Boy George sporting a bold look on The Jonathan Ross Show in London

Page 4: In a recent interview, AnnaLynne McCord revealed a shocking diagnosis: for years, the 90210 alum has been battling dissociative identity disorder (often erroneously referred to as multiple personality disorder) -- she told Dr. Daniel Amen she is absolutely uninterested in shame about opening up despite the stigma surrounding mental-health issues because that's how we get to the point where we can articulate the nature of these pervasive traumas as horrible as they are -- for her part, the 33-year-old traces back her troubles to sexual abuse she suffered as a child and as had many of the 200,000 people diagnosed with DID each year, she suppressed those horrific memories and it was only within the past few years that they began to resurface, largely after she sought treatment for PTSD related to another sexual assault and she doesn't have any memories of abuse until around 5, then from 5 to 11, she recounts incidents throughout and then, when she was 13, she has a singled-out memory and it was at that age that she developed what doctors call a second personality identity: as Little Ann, the Georgia-born daughter of a pastor said she was balls to the wall, middle fingers to the sky, anarchist from hell who will stab you with the spike ring that she wears and that helped her survive her nightmarish situation -- ironically, acting created the same dynamic, making it sometimes difficult for AnnaLynne to let go of characters she'd played and all of her roles were splits but she didn't even realize she was doing it

Page 5: Jennifer Aniston wasn't exactly touched when Justin Theroux gushed about how much he still loves her in the issue of Esquire -- complaining about feeling like a hermit during the pandemic, 49-year-old Justin nearly got misty discussing FaceTiming and texting his ex, saying he cherishes their friendship and they can not be together and still bring each other joy and he'd be bereft if they weren't still in touch and he'd like to think the same for her -- but 52-year-old Jen, whose love life has been low-key since the pair's 2018 divorce, has stayed on good terms with most of her exes including Brad Pitt but doesn't want anything more than a friendship with Justin and sure, it's flattering but she's just moved on and wishes he would too, and that goes double for some of her friends who griped that Justin tried to milk Jen's connections to further his career -- in the end, Justin needs to know he's got no chance whatsoever of winning Jen back and she doesn't feel anything remotely close to passion for him anymore

* Roseanne Barr showed off her newly svelte frame on Instagram -- back in 1998, she lost 100 lbs after undergoing gastric-bypass surgery, but yo-yo'd over the next decades but now she's determined to keep the weight off by totally changing the way she eats and she's growing her own fruits and vegetables and has a whole new appreciation of food

* Five months after he entered the Federal Correctional Institution, Mossimo Gianulli finished up his stint at his plush Hidden Hills home and now, the 57-year-old, who along with wife Lori Loughlin, pleaded guilty to paying a $500,000 bribe to get their kids into USC, can't wait to get back to normal and his biggest priority, besides spending time with Lori and the girls, is to get out there on the golf course -- the designer, worth a reported $70 million, still has to perform 250 hours of community service while Lori, who finished up her prison stint in December, is chipping away at hers, doling out meals at L.A.'s Project Angel Food -- Lori and Mossimo have resolved not to dwell on the past and they want to move forward with a positive and grateful attitude

Page 6: Fans of Angelina Jolie's stunts in movies like Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and Mr. & Mrs. Smith are looking forward to her return to the screen as a wildfire fighter in Those Who Wish Me Dead and in the upcoming Marvel flick Eternals but 45-year-old Angie would rather be behind the camera and she explained the real reason behind her comeback is she loves directing, but she had a change in her family situation that's not made it possible for her to direct for a few years and she needed to just do shorter jobs and be home more, so she went back to doing a few acting jobs -- that change in her family situation, of course, is her divorce from Brad Pitt, ongoing since their 2016 split and with no bitter end in sight and it could drag on for years

* Catherine Zeta-Jones says it's no secret her 20-year marriage to 76-year-old Michael Douglas hasn't been easy and it wouldn't be normal if there weren't any ups and downs -- it's another Michael, her Prodigal Son costar Michael Sheen, who has friends whispering as both are Welsh and only a year apart, the two have been having a lot of fun shooting the serial-killer drama and they had never met before the series but they keep discovering how much they have in common -- while Michael, who has been linked with Kate Beckinsale, Rachel McAdams and Sarah Silverman, has been with Anna Lundberg for two years, friends can't help worrying because it's a little to close for comfort

Page 8: Star Shots -- Marlee Matlin kicked back during a portrait session in La Canada Flintridge in California, a loaded-down Irina Shayk in a Victoria's Secret photoshoot in NYC, Gavin Rossdale and his dog Chewy leaving tennis practice in L.A.

Page 9: Kelly Clarkson and her battle advisor Luis Fonsi on The Voice, John Stamos at the drive-in premiere of his new series Big Shot in L.A.

Page 10: Rosie Huntington-Whiteley toting her $3800 Bottega Veneta Shell bag in NYC, Niall Horan and Anne-Marie jumped into a classic Jaguar XK120 for a music video in Essex in England, Adam Driver as Maurizio Gucci on the set of House of Gucci on a bicycle in Rome

Page 11: Jay Leno takes a selfie with a fan, Kate Hudson and her daughter Rani busting out some mommy-and-me moves

Page 12: David Beckham filming a commercial for Maserati, Kaley Cuoco working out with ropes, a windswept Olivia Culpo held on tight to pup Oliver while enjoying a sunset ride aboard a boat named after her dog, Miles Teller looked both ways during a cruise in his blue Ford Bronco which is the same car he flipped in a 2016 accident

Page 13: Garrett Hedlund hit the pavement in a jog in Hollywood, Johnny Depp got behind the camera at the photocall for his film Minamata during the Barcelona Film Festival, friendly exes Sara Gilbert and Linda Perry masked up for a walk in L.A.

Page 14: 2021 ACMs -- country celebrates its best in Nashville -- Elle King and Miranda Lambert kicked off the 56th Academy of Country Music Awards by rolling up in a hot ride before performing, Blake Shelton, Dierks Bentley, co-host Keith Urban

Page 15: Maren Morris and Ryan Hurd performed together, Carrie Underwood

Page 16: Margot Robbie inline skating during a beach day in Malibu, Kate Beckinsale carrying her two cats and her dog as she tried to read, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend and their daughter Luna took a silly mid-game family selfie while playing Hedbanz

Page 18: Normal or Not Normal? A sleepy George Stephanopoulos was caught yawning on the Good Morning America set -- normal, Emily Blunt kicked back a little too much at The Jonathan Ross Show -- not normal

Page 19: With a $1400 rainbow Gucci sweater wrapped around her shoulders Selling Sunset's pregnant Christine Quinn with her dogs in L.A. -- normal, Chelsea Handler works out with her dog on her back -- not normal, Zach Braff stuck his tongue out as he took a silly selfie filming the Cheaper by the Dozen reboot -- not normal

Page 22: Fashion -- stars shine in metallic frocks -- Becky G, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Karen Gillan

Page 23: Miranda Lambert, Cynthia Erivo, Renee Zellweger

Page 26: Travis Barker didn't hold back in his birthday tribute to girlfriend Kourtney Kardashian -- sharing a series of sexy shots with 42-year-old Kourtney, including a NSFW video of Kourtney sucking his thumb and the rocker's risque pics quickly went viral, as did Kourt's TMI essay posted to her health and wellness site Poosh titled "Rough Sex: Love It or Leave It?" -- definitely leave it, if it were up to the pair's kids; 17-year-old Landon and 15-year-old Alabama, who are 45-year-old Travis' children with ex-wife Shanna Moakler, are mortified by their dad's behavior and like most teenagers, the two are active on social media and can't avoid the new couple's loved-up posts and Travis' kids are happy that he's happy, but the PDA is weird and takes some getting used to, while Travis' stepdaughter Atiana De La Hoya, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have a problem as the 22-year-old posted a heart-eyes emoji -- as for spending time with Mason, 11, Penelope, 8, and 6-year-old Reign, Kourt's kids with ex Scott Disick, the pair try to restrain themselves but still the lovebirds are happily oblivious and have a hard time toning it down and Kourt and Travis are just being themselves and going with the flow; they're in love and want the world to know it

Page 27: After 10 months of dating Australian model Vanessa Valladares, Zac Efron is officially back on the market -- 33-year-old Zac called it off with the 25-year-old after things got too serious, too soon and they spent every moment together and it was too claustrophobic for him, as Vanessa, who quit her job and gave up everything to be with Zac, became a fixture on set as he worked on Down to Earth with Zac Efron and he felt guilty that she was giving up her dreams and aspirations to be with him -- despite their split, Zac, who had put his L.A. home on the market and extended his stay in Australia after meeting Vanessa, has no plans to rush back to the States because he has made a lot of friends there and feels at home

* Like many planning their vows during the pandemic, Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost had to get strategic when it came to their big day -- Scarlett said they wanted it to feel like it had an intentional intimacy as opposed to being something that felt like they were restricted by all these things -- the intimate and small event the pair threw was at their $4 million Palisades, N.Y. home in October and the ultra-private pair kept their guests safe, and the guest list was tiny and it was understated but lovely, just what they wanted -- now Scarlett and Colin have settled in to married life and Scarlett and Colin both like to steer clear of the spotlight which makes them perfectly suited for each other

* Vanessa Hudgens revealed the surprising way she was introduced to boyfriend Cole Tucker, who she's been dating since November -- 32-year-old Vanessa and 24-year-old Cole met on a Zoom meditation group and Vanessa admits that the Pittsburgh Pirates shortstop is just perfect for her and Vanessa and Cole, who debuted their romance on Valentine's Day, moved their budding friendship offline after feeling sparks via the virtual meeting app and they started communicating on their own and found out they have a lot in common -- now Vanessa, who dated Austin Butler for nine years before their 2020 split, is zooming ahead and she doesn't want to rush or jinx things, but she's saying Cole could be The One

Page 28: Cover Story -- Prince Harry and Meghan Markle: Twin Girls -- it was a somber, but loving occasion as the royal family celebrated the life of Prince Philip and amid the pomp and truly touching moments, like Queen Elizabeth sitting frail and alone, viewers waited to see what would happen when Harry and Prince William reunited for the first time since Harry and Meghan stepped down from senior royal duties in March 2020 and just weeks after their bombshell TV interview rocked the monarchy and tensions had been running high before the funeral, but everything went better than expected as William and Harry bonded and united in grief at the loss of their beloved grandfather, the estranged siblings along with William's wife Duchess Kate Middleton, waved away their waiting cars, opting to walk the half-mile from St. George's Chapel to Windsor Castle together and the trio chatted easily as they strolled -- back home in Montecito, Harry has been by pregnant Meghan's side around the clock making sure she takes it easy and the couple are in full-blown prep mode and Harry has been helping baby-proof their mansion and designing the nursery and Harry's been on his hands and knees making the house baby-friendly and he's got the latest, state-of-the-art safety devices installed around the pool -- Harry's promising visit with the royal family has given him one less thing to worry about, but still he and members of The Firm will always have different perspectives and after dismissing William and dad Prince Charles as trapped by the monarchy, Harry was persuaded by Kate to take the first step and she went up to Harry to suggest he have a heart-to-heart with William and their father, then she stepped back; Harry felt nostalgic being back home and it's a work in progress -- Harry made headway with his grandmother as well as he and Queen Elizabeth had a private meeting and spoke for three hours and seeing Harry's face made her smile again and Harry loves his grandmother very much and he's promised to bring his kids back to England later this year and he wants the Queen to spend quality time with them

Page 31: The Home Birth Brigade -- Who needs hospitals? These fearless celebrity moms opted to welcome their babies in the comfort of their own homes -- Ashley Graham, Eva Amurri, Hilary Duff, Gisele Bundchen, Gigi Hadid

Page 32: Kim Kardashian: Billionaire Bachelorette -- months after officially filing for divorce Kanye West, Kim is majorly ready to mingle -- Kanye's miffed that fans think he's the one who got dumped when he simply let her file first

Page 34: Not Boyfriend Material -- celebs share tales of dates gone bad, and guys who definitely didn't deserve a second chance -- Patricia Arquette, Mindy Kaling, Jenny Slate

Page 35: Awkwafina, Emma Watson, Kelly Clarkson

Page 36: For Mom -- for Mother's Day, express gratitude to the No. 1 lady in your life with the perfect gift -- Naomi Watts cofounded the ONDA Mama Box

Page 40: Entertainment

Page 48: Parting Shot -- in honor of Earth Day, Alison Brie kicked off the second year of the Planet Oat Project by planting trees at Rancho Sierra Vista -- the 38-year-old also took to Instagram to bring awareness to the wildlife restoration initiative, noting that a startling three million acres of trees in California have been destroyed by recent wildfires

#tabloid #grain of salt #tabloid toc #tabloidtoc #meghan markle #prince harry #prince william #duchess kate #kate middleton #queen elizabeth #kim kardashian #kanye west #alison brie #tom cruise #hayley atwell #mission: impossible 7 #mission impossible 7 #cher #kaavan #kaavan the elephant #annalynne mccord #justin theroux #jennifer aniston #roseanne barr #mossimo giannulli #angelina jolie #catherine zeta-jones #catherine zeta jones #michael sheen #travis barker

[footballxixstars]

Victory Lovemaking • Manuel Neuer

Sorry it took so long, smut takes me a while still trying to get 100% comfortable with it!

SMUT WARNING

You were sat on your sofa with a NEUER top on waiting for the Chelsea v Bayern to start. Unfortunately, work stopped you from travelling to London to watch the game at Stamford Bridge but at least you could watch it at home. You would never miss a Bayern or Germany game especially when Manuel was in goal. You needed to support him through everything. There was just something about watching the person you love doing something that they love so much. Just being able to support him during matches was probably one of the best things that could happen. The pure joy on Manuel's face when he wins a game. It's like he's a kid again. You took a glance at the time and saw you still had a couple of minutes so went to get a drink and a packet of crisps just so you wouldn't leave the sofa during the first half for something. Not that you would anyway.

When you heard the Champions league anthem go off you quickly ran back to the sofa, leaving the drink and food behind, just in time to watch them shake hands and get the first half underway. The game was in full swing and you watched as both teams attacked. Manuel made a couple saves making you ecstatic for him. There were no goals though for Bayern do it was still 0-0. During half time you went and grabbed something to drink before making yourself comfortable on the sofa once again ready for the second half. You watched as Serge Gnabry scores two and Robert Lewandowski score one making the score go to three-nil. Manuel made some more saves making sure to keep a clean sheet so it would be easier when Chelsea come to Munich.

As soon as that final whistle blew you jumped up and off of the sofa celebrating that win. Even though it was only the first leg winning 3-0 away from home will help a lot with the second leg. You continued to watch the tv even if it was just of the players and managers shaking hands with each other and often giving hugs around. Your eyes were trained on Manuel every time he came onto the screen. He looked good after matches. Sweaty. Yes. Handsome and sexy. Hell yes. You saw Manuel do some sort of hand signal and wink to the camera which he always does when he dedicates the win to you and it always manages to put a smile on your face knowing that even if you're not there he's still thinking about you. He's usually not during the match but as soon as that final whistle blows his thoughts drift back to you. He shook hands before making his way through the tunnel to do a couple of interviews and to do a team talk. You grabbed your phone before making your way to the kitchen.

'Coming home tonight' Manuel quickly sent to you wanting to let you know about what time he would be home. The coaches always seemed to do that after certain games knowing that the guys would rather celebrate with their partners and family members than with each other. You thought about replying but decided against it knowing that Manuel most likely wouldn't see it for a bit too busy having a team talk and getting changed ready to go. Whilst you were waiting for a call off of Manuel, he always does it when you are not around, you decided to make a cheese toastie considering it was easy and was very filling. Playing music through the speakers you danced around making the food before making it and eating it. If you may say so yourself it was one of the best toasties that you have ever eaten.

Stood in the kitchen having a drink your phone began to ring as it did after every match when you didn't go. Manuel just enjoyed hearing your voice after a match and you telling him how proud you were and how he played. You were one of the only people that would give him an honest opinion and it was the only one that he really took on board. He knew that you knew your stuff. He also just loved hearing your voice because if he was angry at the match just played it would calm him down but if he was happy you could share his happiness with him even if it was over the phone.

"Manu." You said instantly picking it up when you saw it was his name.

"Hey, Meine Liebe" That was one of the many names he calls you. It's the one he uses most though along with Schatz. Your heart always skips a beat every time you hear him say one of those nicknames he has for you. He also only says them when nobody else is around wanting to keep the nicknames between the two of you.

"Congratulations, you and the rest of the guys played well." You said to him. You knew how much Manuel liked hearing your opinion and you would give it to him freely. You both spoke like that for a while until you had an idea come to your head. It was a risky one considering you didn't know who was around Manuel but it was one of your favourite thing to do to him when he's away. There were so many things going through your head that you could say so you picked a random one.

“Watching you tonight on that screen turned me on so much. I just want to feel you inside me.” You breathed out and automatically Manuel’s breath hitched and you could clearly hear it.

"Y/N." He said voice already sounding breathless just from a simple sentence. You know exactly how to get him going and right now you wanted to press all of the buttons to get him going.

"Oh god, Manuel those hands making those saves, god." You breathed into the phone. Manuel's breathing was becoming more rigid. You could hear him breathing quicker and deeper.

"Y/N please." He didn't know whether he was asking you for more or to stop but he was asking for something. Anything. His brain was telling you to stop because he had to go onto the coach in a minute and then get a plane full of his teammates and coaches. However, his body was telling you to continue. The adrenaline still pumping through it.

"Those hands feel so good over my body especially when you press-" you began before getting cut off from some noise from Manuel's side. You let out a little sigh but stayed silent wanting to hear what was being said.

"Manuel, we've got to go." You heard from the other side of the phone. You think it was one of the coaches but knowing Thomas it could've been him trying to do one of those voices again. It was quite difficult to hear. You did hear Manuel complain slightly to them over it before sighing obviously giving in knowing that the guys would want to go home. You probably heard that though because he was the person on the phone and it was right next to him. The club was never really strict with when they had to leave but you're guessing that a lot of the guys wanted to go home to celebrate that win like they did when they played against Tottenham. The earlier they left the quicker they would get back to Munich.

"I'll talk to you when we get back. It'll be a couple of hours" Manuel said obviously affected by your talk. You could hear it in his voice. It was affecting you. His voice always managed to affect you especially when it sounds like that. You are not going to lie you were also affected by it but you weren't the one that would have to be sat on a plane for two hours with some teammates. Also, it's so much easier for a girl to hide when they are turned on for guys it's not so easy. You always have fun annoying Manuel and then the sex. The sex after is just incredible.

"Bye, love you." You said hanging up the phone laughing slightly when Manuel was complaining about you leaving him like that. He knew that he was the one who said bye and talk to you later but he was still wanting to complain to you about teasing him. He would have to adjust his trousers or sort himself out before going back to the team. He would have to try to get rid of the blush of his cheeks as well not wanting the guys to see him like this. He would never live it down especially with Thomas on the team. Although Thomas has somewhat seen him like it before.

Hanging up you looked at the time and noticed that you still had a few hours until Manuel would actually be back home. You would have to find something to do during that time. Sleep, eat, watch tv. Anything. You could do anything for a couple of hours. Deciding that you didn't want to be tired when Manuel returned you set an alarm for a couple of hours time so that you would be awake for when he returns. You knew the flight took near enough two hours and by the time of travelling at that, you should probably get you at least 2 and a half hours sleep probably even three. That should be enough of a power nap for you to have enough energy for what you have planned. Well not exactly planned but you know what will happen and hope will happen. Setting an alarm on your phone for a couple of hours you quickly got into yours and Manuel's bed closing your eyes hoping to get at least a little bit of sleep.

You awoke to a beeping sound coming from next to you and reluctantly you turned to grab whatever was making the noise. You grabbed your phone turning off the alarm before reluctantly getting out of bed. It wouldn't be long until Manuel would be back so you needed to wake yourself up as much as you could and getting out of bed was the best way to do so. Keeping your phone in your hand you began to walk downstairs turning on every light that you passed not wanting to be alone in the dark. God knows what could be hiding in the dark. You went into the kitchen to get something to eat because you were hungry and would need more energy then you got from that little power nap. Also, food was good and near enough you were always hungry and could do with some food. Manuel was the exact same. You two do go through some food. When you made it to the kitchen you couldn't be bothered to make everything but saw a box of your favourite cereal on the side. Everyone knows cereal is better in the middle of the night so you decided to have a bowl, maybe two, of cereal for a snack. You were stood there scrolling through your phone whilst finishing off the cereal, the second bowl, when you heard the front door open and shut. The light was on in the kitchen and could be seen from the front door so Manuel would know that you were in the kitchen or he would get there to turn off the light at least.

"Hey Schatz," Manuel said as he walked into the kitchen. Turning around you smiled at him and he had already begun to walk over to you. It didn't take him long and as soon as he was there he took you into his arms and kissed your forehead. It was the way he greeted you when he was in one of his loving moods. One of those where he wouldn't want to let you go. Not for anything. It was one of the sides of Manuel that only the people close to him get to see. He's got to keep up a reputation, hasn't he?

"How was your day?" He asked you moving pieces of your hair behind your ear. Quickly taking another sip of water you began to answer him.

"Good-" You began but shortly got cut off by Manuel kissing you. He kissed you and the world fell away with the words on the end of your tongue. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways but also a promise for something more. His hand rested below your ear, his thumb caressing your cheek as your breaths mingled together. You ran your fingers down his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and you could feel the beating of his heart against your chest. Lips moving perfectly in sync like they always do. His hands eventual moved all over your body. He was taking his time tonight and you knew that. It wouldn't be like usual. Rough and hard it would be slow, sweet and passionate. Not that usually, it wasn't passionate. It was. It would be making love, not like any normal types of sex. You both pulled away for a breath of air before his lips were firmly on yours with his tongue making his way all-around your mouth seeming to want to touch all of it. Make sure that his scent was all over you. He wanted to touch all of you. His hands were roaming all over your clothes just wanting to take them off of you. His hands made their way under your top before pulling your NEUER top off of you. You hadn't taken it off since the game mainly because it smelt like him and you knew exactly what it did to him when you wore his tops let alone his own goalkeeper ones with his name on it that he's actually worn during games. As soon as that top was off of you his lips were back on your skin making you feel hot all over. Manuel knew exactly what he was doing to you. He's done it enough times to know how every little touch makes you feel. Where to touch you to make you feel weak in your knees and he always did it making sure to hold you tight so you wouldn't fall to the ground. His hands were everywhere on your front whilst his lips were slowly going down your neck making marks at certain points. His lips made it to your boobs placing one of your nipples playing with it with his tongue. His hand went to play with the other one so you were getting stimulated with both of them. You could feel yourself getting wetter and wetter. You didn't even think that it was possible. You weren't wearing a bra so he didn't have to take it off of you beforehand. When he finished with one of the nipples his mouth moved to the other one whilst his hand went to play and tug on the one that he had just had in his mouth.

"Manuel." You whined. He still had all of his clothes on and all you wanted was to feel his bare skin on yours. You were starting to get impatient. He instantly knew what you were getting at so he quickly took his top off and threw to the floor in a random direction. It will be picked up later on but there were more important matters to get to first. The house can be in as much mess as you like as long as you get Manuel now. You can clean it up in the morning.

"Come on let's go to the bed." He smirked grabbing your hand before slowly pulling you to the bedroom. His lips didn't leave some part of your body as he pulled you to the bedroom knowing where it was without even having to look. He's lived here long enough to be able to walk around the house and not bump into everything with his eyes closed which comes in handy for times like now. As soon as you were in the bedroom he pushed you down so your back collided onto the mattress of the bed and before you were even properly on the bed he was already on top of your with his lips on yours and hands on your waist. His legs were either side of you making sure that he wasn't putting his weight on you and squishing you. His hands trailed down your stomach playing with the waistband of the shorts that you were wearing before pushing them down your legs along with your underwear. His lips followed his hands and kissed down your thighs taking his time. Driving you mad. Finally losing a bit of patience Manuel quickly pushed down his trousers and underwear leaving his naked along with you.

He pulled away from you to lean over and open the drawer the was located next to your bed. It included the lube which would be needed. Coming back his lips instantly connected back with yours as he sorted out the lube without watching. He managed to put it over his fingers and place the lube somewhere else considering that he would need it in a moment. He moved his lubed up fingers down just playing with you clit and hole. Not pushing any of them in just moving them around. If you could then you would tell him to hurry up but his lips were placed firmly against yours not allowing you at any moment to speak.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Manuel pushed in a finger in but didn't move it. He just kept it still for a couple of minutes before slowly moving it in and out. He was taking his time preparing you and it took him a while to add the second finger. When he did though he kept them still not moving them an inch. You were about to start to whine and tell him to get on with it. You could be patient but in moments like this, it all left you. He did though start to move them stretching you to get you ready for him. After what felt like an hour or so, which it really wasn't, he had three fingers in you moving them and stretching you but it wasn't enough. You wanted more. You needed more.

"Manu." You whined wanting him to get on with it now. You knew that he wanted to take his time with you tonight but your patience was starting to wear thin. He had been preparing you for what felt like hours and you just wanted to get to the actual point. Without saying anything Manuel pulled his fingers out and you let out a little whine without even meaning to. He re-grabbed the lube which he had threw onto the bed and started to put it over his penis. He didn't need a condom because you had both been checked clean of anything that you could possibly get and you were also on the pill so you couldn't get pregnant. Not that being pregnant would exactly be a bad thing because you and Manuel had talked about it but never agreed when the right time would be. Soon hopefully. You couldn't see what Manuel was doing so settled for watching his face. His emotion showing clearly on it as he stared straight back at you not saying a word. Neither of you could look away too lost in each other's eyes.

"Ready," Manuel asked quietly before pushing in wanting to make sure that all of this was okay before going any further. There would be no way that you would be stopping him though. Not now. With the slightest nod of your head, he pushed the head of his dick into you. Slowly. Way too slowly. But it made you feel every little movement that he was making and it felt incredible. You couldn't help but let out all of those little moans. He was also letting out little grunts every time he moved. You knew how good you felt around him, he constantly tells you. You opened your eyes which you didn't even realise that you closed and noticed that Manuel was staring right at you. All you could do was stare back.

He moved his hand intertwining it with yours. Neither of you could look away from each other just staring into each other's lust-filled eyes. His thrusts were slow wanting you to feel every little movement that he was making. You could feel him adjusting to hit your g-spot and as soon as he did you let out a moan and he didn't stop hitting that spot. He wanted to make you feel as good as he possibly could. The more he hit it, even when he's not going as fast as usual. you were close to an orgasm quick. Maybe even quicker than usual. Also watching the pleasure pass through Manuel's face wasn't helping the matters much. The pleasure on his face was giving you more pleasure knowing that he was enjoying it all.

"Manu." You said urgently. No other words would come out of your mouth except little whines. You were close now. Really close. You just needed Manuel or yourself to touch you in a certain place and you would be there. Only a little bit more stimulation was needed. You couldn't though considering he was holding your hand tightly so Manuel would have to be the one to do it. He instantly knew what you needed though and held onto your hands tighter.

"Shhh, not yet in a minute together," Manuel said still thrusting in and out of you. You had to try to hold back and with every thrust that Manuel was doing the harder that it was to hold back. Bit by bit his thrusts were getting harder and faster. Slowly losing control. Hands still interlocked with yours and eyes still staring into your soul. So many words could've been said but none were able to leave either of your mouths to busy blinded by the pleasure. Not long after though Manuel let go of one of your hands and nodded to you. Instantly you moved one of your hands from his grasp and down your body allowing yourself that little bit of extra stimulation. Your hand made it to your clit and you started to rub it in the way that you enjoy most. You could tell that he was getting closer because his thrusts were becoming more erratic and faster than what they had been all night. You were also getting closer and your moans were getting louder the closer that you were.

"Now Schatz." He breathes into your ear. As soon as those words left his lips your orgasm washed over you. You could feel his orgasm washing over him and could feel him filling you. It felt incredible. His hand tightened in yours and neither of your eyes left each other. He managed to watch you before falling over the edge himself. His thrusts started to slow down and when you had both calmed down he started to pull out. You held in a little whine which was threatening to leave your lips. It was the comfort of knowing that he was still there. As soon as he pulled out his arms collapsed and he fell onto the bed next to you. Reluctantly, you got out of bed to clean yourself up and get something to clean Manuel up before getting back into the bed on your side facing him. Passing him the cloth he wiped himself before throwing it in the floor somewhere.

Nothing was said between the two of you but nothing needed to be said. You were just staring at his face using one of your hands tracing over his features. You could tell he was tired but you couldn't really blame him.

"Shhhh, I love you now go to sleep," Manuel said to you. You weren't tired much. Maybe a little bit but you still had some energy pulsing around your body however you knew that the game and travelling would've taken a lot out of Manuel and then the sex as soon as he got home so you just laid down firmly in his arms. Your head against his chest listening to the rapid beat of his heart which was slowly down considering he was relaxing now. Even with it going that fast it was still a calming sound because it was Manuel. It was getting slower and slower though as he fell asleep and it was lulling you there too. It would take some time though. Eventually, you fell asleep in his arms and his calm heartbeat. Everything at that moment was perfect.

MASTERLIST | MORE NEUER

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[for-emilia]

Taking The Media By Storm.

enjoy, i love u lots x

Being in the public eye wasn’t Dele’s favourite part of his job. Don't get him wrong, he loves the fans and, of course, he’d never complain about the free PR and perks of that manner, but sometimes it felt like eyes were on him constantly, critiquing every single aspect of his life. All footballers go through it to some extent but from his debut, Dele has always had more intense scrutiny from the media than most. It was truly unfair and he hated it, the media clung to him like a parasite, and there’s nothing he could do about it.

It made all aspects of his life harder and more tedious, but there’s one aspect the media loved to hone in on and make extra torturous: his love life.

He had met Emilia 6 months ago. He wasn’t particularly looking for anything or on the hunt for a relationship but everything fell into place and it was the happiest he’d ever been. Dele tended to not actively look for love, partly because Sally engraved into him that “love finds you”, and partly, again, because of the media. Being a well known athlete meant it was difficult to differentiate between the girls who truly did like him and the ones who liked his fame and fortune. With Emilia he didn’t even consider if she had ill-intent, he knew from the first night that she had a heart of gold. In their initial meeting, it helped that she was a Chelsea fan, that in itself gave away how much she liked him, she’d not touch a lilywhite with a 10ft bargepole; Dele was an exception.

They’d silently agreed to keep things to themselves as they navigated their way through the first stages of the relationship. Dele had seen how horrific the media was to his teammates’ girlfriend’s and wives, quick to brandish them as gold diggers or tear apart their appearance and invade their privacy, and that’s the last thing he wanted for the gorgeous girl who had fallen into his life, especially not because of him.

-

The first few months consisted of sneaky late night drives and meeting up inside either one of their houses, slowly getting to know each other before making any decisions regarding how serious they were or taking it public. After a few months, it became less casual and Emilia found herself, to her own disbelief, in the stands watching Dele do what he does best on the pitch. Weeks passed by before their eyes as they relaxed into it, Dele knowing every week that Chelsea played away, Emilia would be cheering him on in the stands instead, going perfectly undetected due to the mass crowds around her and her obvious aversion to wearing a Spurs jersey with his name on the back. But it became harder to hide as time went on. Dele had posted a few stories here and there of dinners, clearly only being consumed by him and one other, or a boomerang on his story of a film set up on the tv in front of a blanket, so people were suspiciously questioning his relationship status. However, not a single eye was on Emilia… until the paparazzi got the better of them one match day. It was the second Alli Derby day they’d endured in their relationship, a cold November night filled with tension and expectation ending with a tight 0-1 win to Chelsea, with Dele involved in commotion more than once, earning himself a yellow card well into the second half. The media knew how stressed and riled up Dele could get so at the news of him receiving a yellow card, swiftly followed by him being subbed off, they set up their cameras just outside the stadium car park to snap photos of his angry demeanor to plaster all over their articles. Their narrative soon changed as they got more than they bargained for as the camera rolls filled with photos of Emilia climbing into the passenger's seat. Mere hours after the final whistle, photos of ‘Dele Alli’s mystery Chelsea-clad woman’ were circling the internet, some people theorising she was a fan who needed a lift home after various incidents they were imagining, some claiming she was a friend of his sister’s or even a cousin who simply went to go and watch him, but the most obvious shout was that Emilia was Dele’s girlfriend. The pair sat together, thankful for a distraction from the stress of the match and Dele's uproar, now figuring out what to do about this new stress.

-

“So, Dele, you’re taking the media by storm at the moment?” the interviewer laughed as Dele, fresh off the pitch, brought his hands up covered by his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow, giving a breathy giggle followed by, “yeah, I guess you could say that.”

The interviewer proceeded to ask him about the 1-4 win, Dele having involvement in all 4 goals, particularly focusing on the hattrick from the man himself.

“One freekick, a header and top bins goal, of course not forgetting the goal you put on a plate for your good friend Son, how does it feel?”, Dele went through the usual procedure of a post match interview, beaming from ear to ear and clutching the Man Of The Match trophy close to his chest, glancing down at it every so often and widening his grin.

In the midst of his high, he forgot all about the speculation swimming the internet, until the interviewer brought it up with no way to get out of it.

“Even before tonight, you’ve been a hot topic in the media, haven’t you?” he inched towards asking the real question, you could see the cogs turning in Dele’s brain before his smile faltered a bit, thinking up what his reply would be to the next question inevitably coming his way, “the hot question at the moment, Dele, what happened after the derby on Saturday?”.

“I was just trying to go home to be honest, it was a rough match, with the loss and me being given a yellow rightfully or not, so yeah we just wanted to go home but the paps are always around,” he gave the sort of laugh that’s more like just an expulsion of air and rubbed over the back of his neck. He looked slightly uncomfortable but the small smile on his face said otherwise, obviously thinking about the pretty girl in his car.

“I’ll take that ‘we’ as all the confirmation people want.. I have to say, it’s not often you see a player dating an opposition fan, especially not from the same city. I hope I’m not stepping a line when I ask this but, how do you navigate that situation?” the interviewer held the microphone closer to Dele’s mouth, ensuring he doesn’t miss any of the gossip.

Dele half scoffed, thinking all decency and ‘lines’ are abolished in today’s media, knowing none of them give a fuck as long as they have a story and are harbouring clicks for them. In truth, they navigated the situation with a lot of angry sex but he couldn’t say that, trying to surpress the various images drifting through his mind and scramble to think of a suitable response.

“We don’t,” he pauses for a second to laugh at his own joke before continuing, “nah yknow, we have our ways, we make it work... I’m not just a Spurs player and she’s much more than a Chelsea fan.”

He panics a little bit knowing he’s just outed them on live television but they’d discussed it and agreed it wouldn’t be too bad, only 6 months in but it felt like 6 years and neither of them had any doubts it’d last a lifetime. Looking down at his MOTM trophy, he smiled knowing what he was going home to and the welcome he would get as a well done for his hattrick.

Dele didn’t say much, quickly wrapping up the interview after that and walking into the tunnel to head for his phone to read his girlfriend’s reaction, undoubtful that she was watching everything he said.

Emilia (19:22)

here we goooooo

Emilia (19:23)

not an invasion of privacy my arse

Emilia (19:23)

much more than a chelsea fan huh?

Emilia (19:23)

ur cute

Emilia (19:24)

and sexy

Emilia (19:26)

stop wiping your brow like that its arousing

Emilia (19:28)

now get dressed quick quick quick smelly boy x

Emilia (now)

i love u

-

Dele couldn’t help but mention Emilia in interviews. Without a doubt, her name or a reference to his girl always came up. It got to the point where the other lads involved would place bets on how many times it would happen and challenge him to not do it, but it seemed an impossible task for the man in love.

During an interview for Soccer Saturday, he was asked about his injuries and his setbacks throughout the past few seasons and how he coped with it and snapped back to match fitness like he always did.

“It must be rough for you, not being out on the pitch doing what you do best, Dele, how do you deal with that every time? Does it get any easier?” Dele scrunched his nose up at the question, he hated thinking about and talking of his injuries.

“Yeah, you know it’s the worst feeling in the world just wanting to be up there helping the team out but not being able to, it’s unbelievably frustrating. But I have a great team of physios around me and available at Spurs to help and get me back as soon as possible, and all of the lads still make sure that anyone injured is still involved in team things so that’s amazing,” his mouth turned up at the sides at the thought of his next sentence. “I have my brother at home with me who’s my best friend so he tries to keep my morale up, as well as my girlfriend Emilia who is always by my side and knows me better than anyone else, yeah she’s amazing.. always cooking for me and looking after me even when I’m not injured” he laughs out.

In the same interview even she came up again, later on when he was asked about the fan presence at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

“How much do the fans on a match day influence your performance? Do you think it helps significantly to hear the fans singing your chants and acting almost as the 12th man on the team?” he asks, and Dele thinks it's an extremely obvious answer.

“Oh definitely, nothing compares to 40,000 people singing your name or celebrating alongside you when you put one in the back of the net, having fan presence at the games means everything to us. Makes losses easier and wins even sweeter. Of course a lot of us have our families and friends in the stadium as well which tops it all off, most matches I know that my girlfriends up in the same box, and it always helps to look up at her cheering me on when me or the team is doing bad, or to look up at her little smile when I score, makes everything feel worth it.”

-

Even a year or so later, he was sat parallel to Eric making another of the iconic roommates videos for England. Eric had already had his turn to answer the questions while Dele guessed, getting himself a respectable ⅘. But now it was Eric’s turn to guess.

“Question 2: What’s the first thing Dele does after a match?” Eric rolls his eyes already knowing the answer, “A) gets a massage, B) texts the missus, C) has a shower”

He cranes his neck to turn and look at Dele doing some stupid wiggle to a song playing through his headphones before turning around and finishing the question.

“Well the answer is B, texts his missus, but he’s had your life there with that answer, the woman’s normally waiting in the tunnel for him, or if she’s not then yes he texts her immediately.. then sends her a photo.. then calls her.. then ignores all of us and leaves to get back to her, they’re like magnets,” Eric muses warmly, rolling his eyes and making fun of them both but deep down he loves it. He loves that his best friend has found someone he loves so much and my god were they an exact match. He found it creepy at times how perfect they were for one another.

“So Delboy, question 2.. Bro I don’t even have to ask, its B, moving on,” Eric quickly flips through the question cards getting to the next question as Dele’s shriek of a laugh echoed around the mostly empty training hall.

“Stop it, am I that obvious?” Dele laughs pushing Eric to the side and blushing slightly.

Eric simply looks at him, then looks back at the camera, then looks at Dele again and cocks his eyebrow.

“May as well get her name tattooed on your forehead mate.”

-

Roaring from the crowd filled his ears, eliciting a warm feeling deep in the pit of his stomach. He doesn’t know what came over him. Dele looked up at the box after his celebration, half ignoring the cheers and pats on the back around him, and gave a cheesy grin and kissed his ring finger as always, laughing as Emilia kissed the air in her direction and stood with her hand on her stomach.

He’d just put one in the back of the net against Wolverhampton and immediately ran to the corner, picking up the ball from his feet on the way and sticking it under his shirt.

The expecting parents had been to their 20 week scan that morning and found out they were having a boy and Dele couldn’t stop thinking about it, even on the pitch. The excitement bubbled up and it just felt like the right time to ‘make the announcement’ after his goal. They were going to post maternity pictures this week anyway but the opportunity seemed too good to pass up right now. He was elated.

“Dele, we and everyone else at home has noticed the tape on your ring finger for a little while now along with your wife up in the stands, but do you have some news? Did we see that celebration right?” the interviewer prompted a beaming Dele.

“Well, I wasn’t meant to say anything until she could make her official post this week, so I’ll get into the tunnel and be battered by her,” he said through gritted teeth and a laugh, “but yes, we’re so excited to start this new chapter.”

The Spurs midfielder looked to his right across to the tunnel to see Emilia joking with Jose, rolling his eyes mentally at how her and her mum insist he’s her long lost dad.

“It comes as a surprise, you’re still quite young and love a party, it’ll be difficult to give up the nightlife and non stop partying for a life of nappy changes, no?” He hates this interviewer. He’d love to just rip into them but that’d just prove their stupid opinion right and give them more to feed off and fuel their narrative that he wasn’t ready to be a father.

“You’d be surprised,” was all he said. Ever since he was young he’s been labelled as a party boy and the sort of footballer who goes out on a weekly basis picking up girls for a fuck and chuck, but that’s never been him. At every party they found themselves either leaving early together or in a corner somewhere just the two of them, they hadn’t spent a night apart for 99% of their relationship and the times they did weren’t by choice and they still fell asleep on facetime, they were even married now for god's sake.. But the media still see him as ‘Dele the party boy’. There’s nothing he’d love more in the world than a baby with Emilia, and as annoying as it was, they both loved to prove everyone wrong and show it will last.

-

“On your screens now in the stands is Dele Alli’s missus and newborn.. His first time at Tottenham Hotspur stadium at only 4 weeks old, I wonder how long it’ll be until his first appearance at Stamford Bridge,” Martin Tyler let out a chuckle as the camera panned to Emilia sat in her usual box, Isaiah’s face nuzzled into her neck as she bounced rhythmically trying to soothe him.

-

Both sides of the pair became more open and active on social media as time progressed but still kept their own privacy. The fans loved to see the side to Dele they rarely got to see and it was so lovely for their friends and family to be able to see what they were up to and the stupid reasons why they weren’t replying to texts.

Little Instagram posts and stories here and there at random times. For example, early on in their relationship, Dele posted a video of a monopoly board in front of them with hotels and houses scattered messily where they weren’t meant to be. The video slowly panned up and stopped on Emilia sat opposite him bending to pick some more up from the floor, but at the sight of Dele filming, she threw one straight at his forehead, eliciting a hyena like laugh from Dele, captioning the video ‘landed on one of my hotels and couldn’t afford it, the woman doesn’t take Ls’ alongside Emilia’s @.

Another time, Emilia posted a video to her story, still in bed with the camera pointing outwards towards the door. Dele’s t-shirt was visible on the floor and the duvet was messed up on his side, evidence he wasn’t there, as the smoke alarm blared through the house. She simply captioned it ‘when he tries to make you toast in bed as a surprise at 8am.. someone come collect him @dele.’

There were various cute posts and stories as well as the jokey ones though. About half way through the pregnancy, Emilia posted a photo of her husband fast asleep strewn across the huge sofa, one hand hanging off the end and one hand holding a book against his chest that eagle-eyed fans could just make out to be a parenting book called ‘Happy Mum, Happy Baby’ alongside Rome laying across his legs and Diesel on the floor near his hanging hand. Emilia made a joke of it, captioning it ‘we haven’t even had the baby and my man’s already tired enough to pass out at 4pm.. he ain’t seen nothing yet’, but the pull in her chest showed she thought it was the cutest thing in the world.

A fan favourite was a simple photo on Dele’s story not too long after Isaiah was born and announced on Instagram. The photo was framed from up a height and captured all 3 pairs of their legs, Dele on the left, Emilia on the right and Isaiah’s little legs in between them, one leg on Dele’s thigh and one leg on Emilia’s thigh. The family were all wearing grey joggers and white trainers, Isaiah included, and they were the picture of cuteness in their matching outfits.

Throughout her pregnancy with Mabel, Emilia captured too many moments that pulled at her heart strings, she couldn’t not post some. One night she posted a photo which was mostly dark but you could make out the top of Dele’s shoulders along with his messy bed hair and big hand sprawled over her bump, holding his wife and unborn daughter close even in his sleep. Emilia couldn’t help but share her love with the world, captioning it with a simple white heart emoji and leaving it at that.

More videos popped up throughout the months of that pregnancy in particular: sneaky videos from behind Dele of him in shops picking up little baby clothes even though they already had surplus, videos from afar of them in the Enfield training ground cafeteria zooming in on him making people listen to the heart beat for the thousandth time, a video of the baby inside her stomach making bumps and movements from under the skin but stopping when Dele speaks.

After Emilia’s pregnancy and birth of Mabel, the world knew it didn’t quite go to plan and there were more complications than they’d imagined, so when Dele made his return to football after his extended break for his little girl, all eyes were on him. The commentators and pundits made comments wishing him and his family well, claiming how pleased they were to have him back and recalling his tweet from a few days prior: ‘Thank you for your patience over the past few months. Making sure our daughter was happy and healthy is our first priority but I am excited to make my return on Saturday. Appreciate the support.’. That evening, Emilia posted a video of Mabel in the baby swing chair from behind so you couldn’t see her face, with a smiling Dele zoomed in on the TV during the pre match warm up. She captioned it ‘watching her daddy <3 always proud of you’ in the centre and lower down hidden in a smaller font ‘both had a tantrum at leaving each other this morning ffs’.

Even as the children grew up and Dele stepped out of the limelight, every so often a post would pop up and make people melt. A little picture of a sunshine that Ora had painted in school that says ‘smile’ underneath in her messy handwriting that Dele posted to his feed. A photo posted of a fort that Isaiah had made from whatever he could find around the house, insisting that he had to have his dinner in there, resulting in Emilia going to check on him and snuggling up herself ready to watch Monsters Inc with him; even though she had to squish up and become a contortionist to fit, it was the cutest thing Dele had seen. Or a story of them on a dog walk, first showing Emilia, Isaiah and Ora along with all 7 dogs in the field in front of Dele before panning down to his muddy wellies alongside Mabel’s similarly dirty wellies next to him.

Odd appreciation posts for each other every now and then, showing that even after being married a decade and coming so far from the start, they were still more in love than most people could imagine, candid photos of Dele’s bare back in the kitchen adorned with dribbling emojis or a sneaky video of Emilia getting ready for an event, turning around at the call of her name and rolling her eyes at the sight of his phone pointed at her and his wolf whistle with the caption ‘my girl’ and the sweating emoji alongside.

They had a love hate relationship with the media throughout their lives but they couldn’t deny they loved being able to broadcast their love to the world, bursting at the seams with pride and joy for what they’d created.

[fmstevie]

              *    ╰              waddup   y’all   ruby’s   back   2   annoy   u   all   w   a   lil   british   fuckboi   action   .   here’s   stevie   ,   inspired   by   matty   healy   n   thinkin   she’s   a   god   among   men   .   i   don’t   recommend   u   read   on   but   in   case   u   do   i   pray   u   forgive   me   enough   2   want   plots   w   that   like   button   .   🤡

                new   york’s   very   own      𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐄   ‘   𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐘   ’   𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐘𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐍𝐄            was   spotted   on   broadway   street   in   doc   marten   smooth   leather   chelsea   boots      .   your   resemblance   to   diana   silvers   is   unreal   .   according   to   tmz   ,   you   just   had   your   twenty   -   second      birthday   bash   .   while   living   in   nyc   ,   you’ve   been   labeled   as   being         𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐬   ,   but   also   𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞   .   i   guess   being   a   cancer      explains   that   .   3   things   that   would   paint   a   better   picture   of   you   would   be      erudite   inclinations   informed   by   a   god   complex   ,      melodrama   as   your   magnum   opus   ,   &   the   world’s   most   secretive   love   life         .               (   i   had   a   secret   marriage   that   lasted   6   months   but   ended   due   to   my   fear   of   my   family’s   mafia   ties   getting   in   the   way   .         )      &      (   cis   female   &   she   /   her      )

𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆      :      stephanie   charlotte   greystone 𝒏𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔      :            primarily   stevie   ,   although   her   stage   name   is   ‘   grey   ‘   which   has   caught   on   as   a   go-to   nickname   .   takes   little   to   nothing   else   wilingly 𝒂𝒈𝒆      :            twenty   -   two 𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄      :      cancer    𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏      :      professional   musician   with   a   voiceclaim   of   lorde   ,   on   temporary   hiatus   to   write   grey3   .   casual   photographer 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓      𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚      /      𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔      :      cis      female      /      she      her      hers 𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏      :      pansexual   w   strong   female   pref   but   tbh   if   u   can   handle   her   energy   she’ll   b   down   WKERWJER 𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕      :      5’10  🤤 𝒍𝒂𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒔      :      the   hedonist   ,         the      aesthete      ,      the      opaque   ,      the      vainglorious      ,      the      prodigy      ,      the      intangible   concept       𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒈      𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔      :      rhiannon      -      fleetwood   mac      /      WHAT   U   CALL   THAT      -      chase   atlantic    /      iceberg      -      borns      /      UGH      -         the      1975     /      boss   bitch      -      doja   cat      /      elephant      -      tame   impala     /      black   hole   sun      -      soundgarden      /      black   madonna      -      cage   the   elephant      /         this   charming   man      -      the   smiths     /      swim      -      chase   atlantic      /      1999   WILDFIRE         -      brockhampton

tw      drug   mention

𝒊.  𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏.

there   is   perhaps   no   more   a   formidable   surname   in   the   organized   crime   circuit   in   all   of   europe   than   greystone   ,   a   name   risen   to   fame   through   countless   court   cases   and   highly   publicized   trials   .   dubbed   ‘   el   chapo   of   the   old   world   ,   ‘   liam   greystone   makes   his   reputation   known   as   a   ruthless   and   conniving   leader   of   a   million   dollar   cartel   business   ,   distributing   to   most   of   the   UK   and   eastern   europe   .   it’s   perhaps   an   even   greater   shock   to   find   even   as   public   enemy   #1   ,   he   takes   a   welsh   wife   by   the   name   of   marissa   and   weds   her   in   a   lavish   and   very   public   ceremony   ,   surmounting   crowds   not   unlike   those   of   the   royal   weddings   .   such   a   decision   is   a   clear   power   move   on   his   part   ,   flexing   the   pure   influence   it   would   require   to   have   such   a   public   family   life   with   no   fear   of   repercussion   from   rivals   or   enemies   .   

it’s   several   months   following   their   wedding   that   james   is   born   ,   with   nicholas   taking   a   few   years   after   .   elite   prep   schools   in   the   most   posh   london   neighborhoods   were   abuzz   with   equal   parts   curiosity   and   concern   to   be   sharing   streets   with   the   most   feared   mafia   family   in   their   whole   country   ,   though   the   elite   nature   of   liam’s   new   societal   presence   meant   he   took   to   his   ‘   dealings   ‘   with   a   but   more   subtlety   than   before   his   rise   to   power   .   something   of   a   media   frenzy   ,   it’s   the   talk   of   the   town   when   marissa   falls   pregnant   another   time   ,   nearly   a   decade   after   nicholas’s   birth   ,   this   time   with   a   baby   girl   ,   something   that’s   all   the   sun   and   mirror   can   seem   to   post   about   in   their   celebrity   tabloids   section   for   weeks   on   end   .   her��  birth   raises   questions   of   immense   speculation   :   what   will   the   world   do   with   a   greystone   girl   ?

as   it   would   result   ,   they’d   worship   her   .   stevie   found   herself   raised   in   a   world   that   sought   her   out   at   every   turn   ,   cameras   pointed   towards   her   at   every   outing   .   james   and   nick   ,   now   teens   by   the   time   she   enters   primary   and   just   as   big   of   terrors   as   their   father   ,   view   their   lavish   lifestyle   as   the   result   of   some   bigger   destiny   for   greatness   ,   as   their   father   had   always   fed   to   them   ,   something   they   passed   on   to   their   baby   sister   who   took   it   as   her   mantra   .   one   of   the   earliest   manifestations   of   a   rather   intense   personality   ,   stevie   takes   this   to   an   extreme   ,   turning   her   unwanted   stardom   into   a   fuel   for   an   ever-increasing   god   complex   to   develop   .   the   apple   of   her   father’s   eye   and   every   bit   as   quick   ,   her   instructors   note   a   dedication   to   perfection   and   an   obsession   with   accomplishment   ,   along   with   a   natural   intelligence   that   leads   her   to   blast   through   her   studies   with   relative   ease   .   

she’s   just   16   when   she   completes   her   schooling   and   already   has   a   reputation   that   will   precede   her   ,   just   as   her   surname   had   before   .   relaxed   and   observant   ,   her   voice   never   peaks   higher   than   a   low   alto   with   her   charming   londoner   drawl   ,   a   facade   never   cracking   from   her   knowing   poker   face   .   there’s   something   about   being   so   above   everyone   (   even   if   it   is   a   self-imposed   superiority   )   that   leads   stevie   all   but   to   the   brink   of   isolation   ,   finding   solace   only   in   the   words   of   a   self-deluded   father   and   her   own   scribings   in   a   leather   bound   notebook   .   piano   lessons   since   early   childhood   lend   themselves   to   melodies   following   melodies   ,   and   before   she’s   even   able   to   legally   drink   ,   she’s   released   her   first   album   under   the   moniker   ‘   grey   ’   titling   it   pure   heroine   as   a   cheeky   nod   to   the   inevitable   accusations   of   it   being   her   family   ties   that   got   her   a   record   deal   .   but   as   streams   of   the   melancholy   tunes   begin   to   pick   up   fans   worldwide   ,   the   album’s   themes   of   isolation   ,   abandonment   ,   and   wasted   youth   hit   harder   than   ever   anticipated   from   the   youngest   greystone   .   she   leaves   home   to   tour   the   world   with   the   album   reaching   #1   in   countless   countries   ,   forging   her   own   path   with   a   maturity   beyond   her   years   and   a   vision   beyond   this   world   .   

    the   tour   ends   and   she’s   smitten   by   the   charm   of   new   york   ,   opting   to   move   to   continue   to   pursue   her   music   away   from   the   tangled   complications   of   family   life   in   england   .   barely   18   and   perhaps   intoxicated   with   the   loneliness   of   a   life   spent   in   the   watching   eye   of   others   ,   the   semblance   of   privacy   is   something   she   takes   to   like   an   addict   ,   exasperating   prying   paparazzi   with   her   notorious   refusal   to   comment   on   details   of   her   personal   life   .   she   builds   a   wall   between   herself   and   the   world   ,   keeping   out   prying   eyes   with   a   tight   -   lipped   grin   .   its   at   this   time   that   she   lets   the   first   person   into   her   life   perhaps   ever   ,   a   whirlwind   romance   so   intoxicating   it   results   in   a   courthouse   marriage   done   in   secret   .   never   to   be   seen   together   ,   never   a   word   spoken   to   anyone   else   ,   stevie   relishes   in   the   secret   which   is   soon   to   sour   upon   the   passing   of   their   honeymoon   phase   .   with   her   brothers   expanding   their   reach   into   the   US   for   their   unsavory   dealings   ,   it’s   not   long   after   her   marriage   begins   that   the   conflicts   reach   a   breaking   point   ,   an   annulment   following   barely   6   months   after   they   had   traded   ‘   i   do’s   .   ’

she   takes   to   the   studio   with   a   new   resentment   of   the   concept   of   love   and   even   more   sequestered   heart   ,   producing   melodrama   which   takes   the   world   by   storm   ,   snagging   her   a   grammy   win   for   album   of   the   year   .   fatigued   from   the   constant   go-around   of   keeping   her   secrets   her   own   except   for   when   they’re   taken   to   radio   streams   ,   she   does   a   limited   tour   for   melodrama   and   lands   herself   right   back   in   new   york   at   20   ,   putting   grey3   on   the   backburner   as   she   takes   to   all   the   hedonistic   engagements   she   had   indulged   herself   in   during   her   time   on   tour   .   she’s   kept   herself   busy   between   mindless   flings   and   days-long   benders   with   hobbies   such   as   photography   and   writing   ,   the   former   of   which   is   building   her   a   rather   impressive   reputation   in   the   arts   world   .   

𝒊𝒊.  𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒆𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆 .

if   y’all   ain’t   tired   of   me   yet   god   bless   u   .   ..   .   bc   i   straight   up   b   tired   of   myself   :/

anyways   dis   is   stevie   ,   also   accepts   grey   the   same   way   ppl   talk   abt   lorde   n   switch   between   ella   n   lorde   !   she’s   not   picky   :~)

major   inspos   are   matty   healy   from   the   1975   n   hayley   kiyoko   if   she   was   less   of   a   try   hard   .   little   bit   of   kristen   stewart   in   there   ,   big   2016   ruby   rose   energy   n   brie   larson   top   me   tomfoolery   as   well   !   

basically   da   fuckboi   of   ur   dreams   ..      ..   .   lil   devilish   londoner   who   stays   thinkin   she’s   the   closest   thing   to   a   god   on   this   green   earth   !

notably   ,   she’s   incredibly   intelligent   and   profound   ,   tends   to   take   on   a   rather   patronizing   and   condescending   tone   bc   she   straight   up   b   thinkin   she’s   usually   the   smartest   person   in   the   room   (   how   annoying   )

so   laid   back   n   observant   ,   rlly   has   no   need   to   raise   her   voice   ever   bc   her   arguments   b   runnin   circles   around   ppl   !   imagine   the   way   harry   styles   talks   low   n   slow   n   calculated.   .   .   .   .   cameron   from   love   is   blind   ,.   ..   .      kristen   stewart   lowkey   sometimes   ..   ..   ..   das   grey   .    sexy   ass   alto   monotone  🤤🤤

i   dont   wanna   use   chaotic   bc   she   rlly   isnt   the   WILDEST   bitch   but   that   god   complex   means   she   deadass   thinks   she   can   get   away   w   what   she   wants   n   she   usually   does   ?   less   of   a   chaotic   evil   n   more   like   a   neutral   evil   lmao   she   can   follow   rules   just   fine   she   jsut   prefers   whatever   suits   her   better

on   that   note   —   OBSCENELY   self   obsessed   .   follows   her   own   natural   whims   n   impulses   bc   that’s   just   what   appeals   to   her   .   is   inclined   to   follow   rules   if   she   calculates   itll   work   in   her   favor   bc   she   also   doesn’t   like   to   look   sloppy   !

super   secretive   and   OBSESSED   w   her   presentation   .   every   movement   is   calculated   n   she   doesnt   want   anyone   seeing   a   side   of   her   that   she   hasn’t   designated   for   them   !   she   doesn’t   care   what   other   ppl   think   but   she   DOES   care   abt   what   she   sees   herself   doing   n   her   vision   .   doesnt   fit   the   vision   ?   will   NOT   happen   in   her   book   .

straight   up   a   WHORRE   lmao   she   likes   2   fill   the   void   left   by   a   lack   of   human   connection   w   sexual   intimacy   n   then   is   like   nice   imma   have   u   leave   now   love   LMAO   .   does   not   discriminate   and   is   rlly   inclined   to   follow   any   sexual   impulse

this   was   implied   but   her   relationships   are   super   messy   ?   does   the   leonardo   dicaprio   thing   where   she   will   never   fuckin   discuss   her   love   life   in   interviews   or   anything   so   ppl   just   gotta   SPECULATE   .   she   lets   ppl   post   all   they   want   abt   her   but   she   wont   say   a   WORD   abt   them   JWHEKJWH   her   socials   r   basically   just   abt   her   n   her   music   we   said   SELFISH   lads   .   she’s   bad   @   bein   tied   down   n   is   probs   polyamorous   as   it   stands   but   im   p   sure   she   has   cheated   on   every   single   person   she   has   ever   been   with   lmao

lowkey   a   shit   friend   most   of   the   time   lMAO   she   can   b   really   unreliable   bc   u   guys   can   have   plans   n   then   she   takes   someone   home   n   misses   yalls   plans   n   then   texts   u   4   hours   later   after   all   ur   missed   calls   n   is   like   my   bad   bruv   i   got   tied   up   AS   IF   THAT   FIXES   IT   KWEJKWJEKWE

chain   smoker   n   its   nastie   but   lowkey   sexy   somehow   :/  ,   will   ONLY   wear   outfits   that   r   equal   parts   thrifted   n   designer   ,   always   has   her   hands   in   her   pockets   n   if   her   jacket   has   a   hood   its   UP   like   a   big   ole   homo   ,   is   rlly   annoying   bc   shes   good   looking   n   KNOWS   it   so   she   uses   it   to   her   advantage   ,   wants   2   get   her   motorcycle   license   ,   judges   u   based   off   the   music   u   play   in   the   car   ,   judges   u   on   everything   tbh.

#wealthyhq:intro #* ╰ . 𝒔 . 𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒚𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒏𝒆 . › introduction . #sorry 4 dis trash hittin the dash 🥰 #just COULD NOT wait n format any longer

[t-lostinworlds]

Soon To Be (Shawn Mendes)

Originally Written: Dec. 19, 2018 | Edited: Mar. 22, 2019

A/N: Just a quick fluff, also this was requested and originally posted on Wattpad.

Summary: Who would’ve known that his album release party would be the moment Shawn realizes that he, in fact, wants to call you Mrs. Mendes someday?

Warnings: Dirty(ish) in the end [like it’s there but not in detail lol] and Typos

Word Count: 4.1k+

Masterlist in Bio

-:-:-:-:-

You were looking at yourself in the mirror one last time when you heard a soft knock on the door. You turned around to see your boyfriend leaning on the door frame casually, his arms crossed over his chest with a wide smile plastered on his lips.

"Too much?" You asked, giving him a twirl as you matched his grin, showing of the outfit he bought for you on your birthday.

The dress you wore was a sexy, plain black, midi dress with a plunging back and bodycon fit that shows the curves of your body perfectly. A triangle-cut bodice transitioning into double spaghetti straps that crisscrossed at the back with a hidden zipper just by the bum, making it look clean and sleek. The make-up you wore was soft and simple with your hair flowing freely to shape your face. To complete the look, you wore open toed heels, black of course.

"No, nothing will ever be too much when it comes to you." Shawn bit his bottom lip with a grin, his eyes scanning you from head to toe, the twinkle in them very evident as he watched you with pure love.

You flashed him a smile, your cheeks heating up at how he's looking at you. You have been with Shawn for almost 4 and a half years now, but you still haven't gotten used to the way he looks at you, and to be completely honest, you don't think you'll ever get used to it.

"God, you look amazing." Shawn gushed, finally walking over to you after a few seconds of staring, hands landing directly on your waist, pulling you flush against his chest before leaning down to give you a soft peck on the lips.

"You don't look bad yourself." You responded, hands lying flat on his toned chest then going up on his broad shoulders. You couldn’t stop admiring your handsome boyfriend who sported his usual black jeans and black leather Chelsea boots, his floral-printed button-down shirt tucked in with its sleeves rolled up, showing his forearms tattoos.

Damn. Your man never fails to look good.

"You look so handsome babe." With a sigh of content, you wrapped your arms around his neck as you pulled him even closer, fingers playing with his curls in the back of his head as your bit your bottom lip, eyes boring into his hazel ones with an innocent look written all over your face.

"Keep doing that and this dress would be off in seconds." He grumbled, eyeing your bottom lip which was caught between your teeth, his eyes turning a shade darker as his hands now rested just on top of your bum. You knew how that simple gesture always drove him crazy, whether it was you being so concentrated on doing something completely normal or when it has something to do with stuff that happens in the bedroom.

He gave your ass a hard squeezed, catching you off-guard and making you gasp. He chuckled deeply, biting his bottom lip with a smug smirk dancing on his face. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

"Save that for later Mendes, we're going to be late." You giggled, patting his cheek as you tried to pull away from his hold, but he only gripped you tighter, nuzzling his nose against your neck, placing feathery kisses on your skin. "Come on honey, just a quickie." He mumbled, now nipping on your skin, easily finding your sweet spot. Being with him for so long, Shawn has already memorized every single part of your body and he knows your every weakness.

"Shawn, we need to g – oh." You stuttered, your mind going all fuzzy as Shawn sucked on your skin pulling away slightly to blow cold air on the exposed spot sending shivers down your spine.

"It won't hurt to be a little bit late." He chuckled before capturing your lips in his, now attempting to push you back towards the bed. You giggled between the kiss, placing a firm hand on his chest and with all your strength, finally managing to pull away from him.

"It's your launch party silly, we can't be late." He pouted at your words, a soft whine coming out of his mouth to match the pleading look on his face, "Just a quick one?" You shook your head no, sighing at the man in front of you. "How about I make you a deal?" You offered, running your hand through his hair to push the stray curl back as it started to fall on his forehead. "Okay, I'm listening."

"If we go right now, you'll be the one to take every article of clothing off of my body later tonight, and you can do whatever you want to me." You gave him a wink and he grinned, a low growl coming out of his throat. "I'll hold you to your word princess. Let's go then." And with that, the two of you went out of his condo and off to the launch party.

* * *

It's been 20 minutes in and Shawn has already managed to lose you in the sea of people, not that he was worried at all. You were probably just talking with your friends for all he knows.

Everyone was having a blast as he and his team celebrated his 5th album release of his career. The 3rd and the 4th were also great successes, both albums being nominated for Grammy's and he has managed to win most of them. He is still on cloud 9 to this date, not being able to believe that he was now a Grammy award winner in such a young age, and to top it all off, he's found you in the midst of all the chaos.

"Hey dude! 5th album is out and already a great success, as per usual. Congrats man." Brian greeted, patting Shawn in the back as he raised his beer for Shawn to cheers. It's only been a few minutes in after they finally released it and it was already starting to sellout. The numbers were crazy and he couldn't have been more grateful for his fans.

"Thanks man, couldn't have done it without your support." Shawn smiles at his best friend as he took a sip of his drink, just casually scanning the room to find you while holding his other end of the conversation.

Both men were talking about upcoming plans for the future when Shawn's eyes finally found yours across the room, your (E/C) eyes meeting his hazel ones. You gave him a quick smile and a wink before turning back to the person you were having a conversation with. He grinned, just watching you laughing and smiling was enough to makes his heart melt.

You make him the happiest man in this planet, just by being you. You are such an incredible and amazing woman and he's so lucky to have you in his life. You we're incomparable to any awards out there and he'll be forever grateful that you stuck by his side after all these years. You were and always will be his number one supporter.

"So, how are things going with (Y/N)? Everything good?" Brian asked curiously, a smile also creeping up his face to just see his friend glowing with happiness.

"God it's been amazing. She's amazing. Like man, I find myself falling more and more in love with her every single day. She's the sweetest, funniest, kindest, most amazing woman I've ever met. She understands me you know? She knows me better than anyone else and she supports me so much. She's such an angel, and I couldn't have asked for a better woman to have in my life." Shawn took a deep breath, gazing at you with a bright and huge smile on his face. His heart all warm and fuzzy just by the love he has for you.

You were the epitome of pure beauty to him and Shawn can never put it into exact words how much he's in awe of you as a whole, from your stunning features to the little things that you do, and he is in love with every single one.

He loves the way you dance in the kitchen wearing nothing but his shirt and your underwear when you cook breakfast, swaying your hip to the beat of the music while using the spatula as a microphone. Shawn always has the stupidest grin whenever he finds you in that state early in the morning; scaring you out of your mind ones he comes up behind you or when he just suddenly breaks into a round of applause right then and there.

He loves it when you're sat cross-legged on the couch, hair on top of your head in a messy bun as you furrow your brows at your laptop, nibbling on your bottom lip as you are too concentrated on your work to even pay him any attention. And boy what a sight to see that was.

He loves the way you belt your favorite song in the shower, not even caring if it's in tune or not. Shawn used to wonder what takes you so long but when he opens the door and hear your voice echoing against the white tiles, he couldn't help but join in, a smug smirk on his lips once he slowly slides the shower door open. You get surprised at first, stifling out a scream, but when it happened so often, you've come to love it.

He loves the way you never fail to fall asleep right on top of him, your whole body just lying on him as you nuzzle your face in the crook of his neck, soft breaths coming out of your mouth that tickles his skin. You always looked so peaceful, so angelic with your eyes fluttered shut, the sight turning him into a puddle of pure happiness.

And he certainly loves that you are the very first to bless his eyes the moment he wakes up. The rays of the early morning sun bouncing off your skin, giving you the soft divine look that makes him ask, 'How did I get so goddamn lucky?'

Recalling all those moment, all the sweet things you do, Shawn now knows he wants all of that, he wants all of you, every single day, for the rest of his life.

Even just looking at you right now as you talked with your friend, being in your element and smiling happily with that gorgeous glint in your eyes, Shawn knows, he just knows you are it for him, his end game.

"I can't wait to marry her someday."

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Shawn's head turned to look at Brian with wide eyes, surprised and completely taken aback by the certainty and confidence in his voice. Sure the thought has crossed his mind once or twice but he always pushes it in the back of his head and he has never said it out loud to anyone before, plus when you're a busy man like him, you tend to forget about it as the day goes by.

You and Shawn have never sat down and talked about what the future holds. Maybe the two of you are too scared to think about it, or maybe you just want to live in the now and to let everything fall in its place naturally.

But to come and think about it, Shawn really does want to marry you, maybe not right now as the two of you are still a bit young, but he can't think of anyone else he'd like to spend the rest of his life with.

"Oh stop acting so surprised. About time you propose to her. You're head over heels for her man. It's so obvious that you two are made for each other. And as they say, if you like it, you put a ring on it." Brian patted Shawn in the back, earning a chuckle from him as he shakes his head at his friend's cliché comment.

He was about to say something when he felt a presence approaching, so he kept his mouth shut, not wanting to get the word about "proposing" out as he himself haven't planned about it yet. And he was right when a familiar voice interrupted him.

"Hey boys, what's up with the wide smiles? Am I interrupting something?" You asked, looking at Brian then back at Shawn who both were smiling like idiots with a gleam in their eyes that you couldn’t quite pinpoint, like they talked about something that involves you.

"Nope, not at all." Shawn's arm instantly hooked around your waist like it an instinct to. Whenever you're near, he really just wants to touch you and keep you close to him, to hold you in every possibly way he can. You looked at him with a wide smile, eyes full of love, which he returned gladly.

"Gosh you two are so in love, can't wait what the future holds." With that, Brian raised his drink as he gave you a wink before leaving the two of you alone.

You turned to Shawn fully, your hands now resting on his broad shoulders, as his took home on either side of your waist. "What was that about?" You raised an eyebrow at him as he smiled wider, his eyes wrinkling in the process.

"Oh it's nothing, you know Brian, he likes to tease everyone." Shawn grinned, looking at you with such pride and love that you couldn't prevent the butterflies in your stomach from going crazy.

You thought being with someone for so long, you're going to get used to everything, too all the cliché things that he makes you feel, but boy were you wrong. You'll never get used to how Shawn looks at you, there's just something so special about this man that you couldn't point a finger on, but nonetheless, you're incredibly grateful to have him.

Your thoughts were interrupted when Shawn dipped his head down to give you a soft peck on your lips, then another, followed by another, then another one before going in all around your face, from your cheeks, to your jaw, the corners of your mouth and the tip of your nose.

"Hmmm, someone's being clingy." You hummed, soft giggles coming out of your mouth as he captures your lips once more. "I just love you so much." He whispers, brushing the tip of his nose with yours, the smile he was sporting lighting up his whole face, making him look even more breathtaking.

"And I love you." You mirrored his grin, your fingers now getting tangled with the hair on the back of his head. You two were swaying side to side to no music at all, you might even looked like idiots by your actions but none of you cared as you stared at each other's eyes with content and admiration, just enjoying each other's presences.

"Can we go back home now please?" Shawn pouted after a few seconds of silence, showing you his best puppy dog eyes, earning a laugh from you. He just wants to be alone with you now, to have you, skin to skin, to love you with every possibly way he can without the prying eyes of other people.

"Shawn it's your launch party, we can't just leave. These people are here to celebrate with you." You giggled as you cupped his cheek. He leaned against your touch like a cute puppy, turning his head to place a soft kiss on the palm of your hand.

"I've already talked to almost everyone, I think it's okay to get going." Shawn took your hand and spun you around, so that now your back was pressed against his chest. "Besides, I'd like to celebrate with you only, back home, in our bedroom, no clothing involved. I haven't forgotten about the deal we made babe." He added as whisper, his lips lingering on the skin just below your ear, making you shudder.

His tempting offer made you sigh in defeat, and what Shawn wants, he gets, most of the times at least. Besides, you were getting all tired with all these chatting and standing; might as well go back home and let Shawn take all the stress off your body.

"Fine, but you tell your mom and dad that we'll be going ahead. Plus Andrew and the team, your friends, basically everyone since this is your party." You raised an eyebrow at him, expecting him to back out, but to your surprise, he only nodded with a groan, taking your hand in his and pulling you towards his parents.

"Okay, fine."

* * *

Fits of giggles were heard from the two of you as you emerged from the elevator hand in hand, making your way down the hallway and towards the condo. Shawn fumbled with his keys to open the door, his lips now attached to yours with smiles written all across both your features. You can feel nothing but pure love for the man in front of you, feeling so safe and sound in his arms as he kissed you with so much passion.

Once the door was finally open, the two of you stumbled inside, the giggles getting louder when the task became a bit harder to achieve as none of you dared to pull away from one another, too intoxicated from the kiss to even care where you're stepping. Shawn kicked the door shut and pressed you against the wall, his fingers interlocked with yours as he held it above your head, trapping you in his grasp, lips fitting perfectly like two puzzle pieces.

He untangled his fingers with yours only to wrap his arms around your waist securely, pulling you closer into him as much as possible. Your arms snaked around his neck as you held onto him, kissing him back with equal the intensity he was giving you, lowly panting as your lungs started to scream for air.

Shawn's hands started to move lower until it was resting on the swell of your ass, "Jump." He whispered against your lips which you gladly obliged, wrapping your legs around his waist as he hoisted you up with ease, his time in the gym obviously paying off. You kicked off your heels just as Shawn carefully carried you back towards the bedroom. He closed the door close with his foot before sitting down on the edge of his bed with you on his lap, finally pulling away as the two of you gasped for air.

"I'm so in love with you..." He whispered with deep breathes, pressing his forehead against yours as he stared straight into your eyes, and you found no doubt at all, you can only see his love for you, and you know for sure you were looking at him with the same amount of worship.

"Me too Mendes, me too..." You smiled, cupping his face with both your hands, stroking his cheeks with your thumbs earning a satisfied sigh from him.

The two of you stayed like that for a couple of minutes, just enjoying each other's company and letting your eyes speak for themselves, to show just how happy and in love the two of you are.

"Congratulations on the success of your 5th album baby, I'm so proud of you." You whispered, brushing your thumb against his plump lips, it being swollen and red because of what you were doing just minutes beforehand.

"Thank you honey, couldn't have done it without my number one and most incredible fan, and my greatest inspiration. Am I getting my gift now?" He asked innocently, nudging the tip of his nose against yours, making you let out an adorable laugh. You gave him a soft nod, a wide grin spreading on your lips before you pulled him back in for another hot and intense kiss. He hummed in satisfaction, heart fluttering at how lucky he really is indeed to have you in his life.

His hands started to rub up and down your back before he reached for the zipper, slowly pulling it down, exposing your back fully to the cold air of the room. His tongue found your bottom lip as he asked for entrance, which you granted, deepening the kiss even more. You moved closer to him as you straddled his lap, making him groan as you now sat directly on his hard on.

His hand went back to your bum, giving it a quick yet hard squeeze, making you gasp, the temperature in the room slowly rising as you unbuttoned his shirt one by one, his chiseled chest now coming into view. His lips left yours as he pressed it on your jaw, slowly trailing down your neck, nipping and sucking at the skin, leaving mark all over, indicating who you belonged to, your eyes rolling to the back of your head at the feeling of utter pleasure. You let him do whatever he wanted, a deal is a deal after all.

Shawn pulled away to watch you intently as he hooked his fingers on the straps of your dress, slowly pulling it down your shoulders, his fingers leaving goosebumps as it trailed against your skin. He pulled it off completely of you, exposing your top half to him as you weren't wearing anything underneath.

"So beautiful." He groaned, pushing your hair back behind your shoulders to prevent it from covering you. His nibble fingers exploring your bare skin, softly touching the area just around your breast with his eyes trailing along and you can feel something grow even harder under you, making your insides flip.

You felt your cheeks heat up as you bit your bottom lip, feeling so happy and content with how Shawn treats and admires you so much. You trusted him with all your heart, knowing that he would never do anything to purposely hurt it.

Shawn treats you like a queen that you are, and you couldn't have asked for more. Yes, being with a popstar has it cons but none of that mattered because being with Shawn outweighs every con that exists.

You let out a tiny squeal as Shawn flipped you on your back, your figure bouncing on the bed softly as he hovered above you, his arms resting on either side of your head to make sure you weren't getting crushed by his weight.

Shawn stared straight in your eyes, another smile creeping on his lips as he froze in his spot, not being able to resist his happiness and love overflowing from his body as he watched you just lying under him, ever so beautiful.

He can never explain word for word just how much he loves you, damn, he can even write a dozen worth of albums and still that wouldn’t be enough. But maybe that's what makes his feelings for you so strong and real, because it's unconditional, unexplainable, and immeasurable.

There was no doubt in his mind that you were a remarkable woman, that you are the perfect person for him and he can never stop saying – even if he's said it a hundred time already – just how lucky he is that you belonged to him.

You were his and his only.

He might as well make it forever right? Besides, (Y/N) Mendes does suit you very well.

They were right, there was never going to be a sign or some sort of indication that will tell you who's the right person for you, or who your soulmate is, because when the right time comes, and that moment may be as random as possible, you will just feel it.

And Shawn definitely feels that with you, right here, right now.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" You asked, smiling yourself as his smile has always been so contagious, the joy in his face and the positive aura he emits just rubbing off of you.

"Like what?" Shawn grinned.

Maybe he'll have to make a few phone calls tomorrow, he will need all the help he can get if he wants to keep this proposal as a secret as much as he can, and as perfect as he can make it out to be, you deserved only the best after all.

And he can start it off by finding the perfect engagement ring for his soon to be fiancé.

Then, after that, his soon to be wife.

-:-:-:-:-

Like and Reblog if you enjoyed! x

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn x reader #shawn mendes x (y/n) #shawn mendes x reader #mendes #shawn mendes smut maybe #smut maybe #shawn mendes the tour #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes short stories #fanfiction #shawn mendes oneshot #oneshot #oneshots #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes x you #my writing

[darlingnisi]

Celebration Day 3 : VIP Edition

Part 2 Here!

Funk Soldiers Panel

Shelby J

Kat Dyson

Xavier Taplin

Joey Rayfield

Kip Blackshire

About Last Night... (The Prince on the Big Screen event)

A lot of reherasal

Kirk organized everyone, got the materials out

Biggest challenge was that there were a lot of performers who worked with P at different times so the arrangements of the songs were often different. Hard to sync up with the show or pick the right one to use at first

Shelby said it was hard not to turn and look at him on the screen

The fludidity of the performance came with experience because they knew what P expected of them musically

Kat said “having him in my ear floated me back to my time with him” The instructions he gave inside of the performance still applied

Joey noted that he better understood the difference between just playing and performance from his time with Prince

“I almost forgot he wasn’t there”

Kat Dyson Origin Story (Guitar)

Recommended by Sheila E. Kat and Rhonda Smith met Sheila while demoing gear at an industry show. Sheila asked for their music as she had an idea to do an all girl band at the time. She got sick and gave their info to P. P took them both on.

Their audition was a four hour jam session in 96. P asked Kat “How much of my material do you know...and how much did you buy?”

Her favorite P music are the soundtracks, especially Batman and her favorite songs are Joy of Repetition and Question of You.

She and Rhonda did an arrangement for Question of You for him.

Xavier Taplin Origin Story (Organ)

Played with and was reccomend by Gouche, another NPG member

Audition was P on Bass and Job Blackwell on Drums. They played 777-9311 and P had him solo for 60 bars. He fell back into the groove and P told him to keep going...fell back into the groove again...and P told him to keep going. P put his bass down, walks over to  Xavier, and stands “uncomfortably close for 15 seconds just looking at me” he then says “We’re going to have a lot of fun.”

Joey Rayfield (Trombone)

Gets a call from Adrian Crutcfield about an audition in Charolette North Carolina. Gets PDF of a chart for Xtraloveable and realizes it’s for Prince

They have a Skype audition.

Time passes and he randomly got an email with a Delta ticket to Minneapolis. He quit his job and left for Paisley.

At first played on Andy Allo’s Supeconductor sessions.

Story : during a rehearsal P slowly walks up to the stage and says “You and Ida go play ping pong and if you win, I’ll play you. Joey wins and plays Prince. Joey’s in his dress shoes though and is slipping and sliding everywhere. P stops the game, moves a rug to be under Joey and says “I ain’t got no insurance.”

Story from Kat : I played basketball with him. Nobody told me not to block his shot. The game was over after that.

Kip : I was playing with him in the Daisy Chain video.

Kip Blackshire Origin Story (Vocals)

Morris Hayes invited him to a Carlos Sananta show and Jam session at Paisley. Kip absently playing basketball. Hears a “clang” (P dropping his guitar). P comes over and squares up with Kip. Kip passes P the ball, and P checks him hard in the stomach with it. Kip says he isn’t dressed to play and P tells him to come back the next day to play for real. The next day they play a 2 on 2 game. Kirk/Prince vs. Morris/Kip.

Was cleaning up in the bathroom and absently singing. P overhears and invites him to sing with them in the studio. P asks him if he knows Little Red Corvette and Kip says “I wasn’t allowed to listen to you growing up.” Instead P played guitar and Kip answered his licks with his voice. He was invited to join the band and the first song he sang on was Undisputed from Rave.

Shelby J Origin Story (Vocals)

Audition for Larry G’s band. Got in and was at 3121 doing a rehearsal. Kept being told to re-sing Higher Ground. It was P asking.

Was singing I Can’t Stand the Rain during a show. Crowd goes wild and she thought she was “DOING IT!” turns out P had come on stage behind her and was plugging up his guitar to join them. He came up to her mic and sang cheek to cheek with her for that song.

Was in Walmart getting supplies at home when she got invited to sing at one of his shows NYE. From there she was asked to join the band and their next gig was the Superbowl.

Arrangement Panel with Michael B Nelson

Had done work with Micheal Bland. There was an idea for a warm up group early 90′s. Dave and Kathy Jenson with Michael B Nelson, Sonny, and Tommy B made up a 5 piece band. They recorded some tracks and sent it to P. P told them to go to a Carmen Electra rehearsal to be filmed. Time passes asked to come to the soundstage at Paisley...saw pedal boards set up P was there! NPG was very tight at this time so P just held up a signal and they started into Madhouse 4. The horns were shocked for a moment then fell in (this was their audition). They jammed for 6 hours then recorded for the first time that same day....Sexy MF? (This may be wrong...he mentioned that they recorded for the first time that day, then a moment later said the first thing they recorded was Sexy MF as part of a different story so...take that how you will)

Told to get their passports together. They joined him on the Diamonds and Pearls tour

There were 11 semi trucks and 110 people in the entourage for the D&P tour. Their first stop with him was Tokyo

Hornheads was formulated as a horns only group since they were on with P and couldn’t play with anyone else, they just made a mini group to keep their chops up during down time. Mike Nelson wrote the tunes and they have 3 albums.

“Even when he was giving you a hard time, he’s just pushing you”

Q: What was it like during the 90′s? Every office was filled. He gave you exactly what you needed to fufill a task. You didn’t ask for additional questions...you had to trust yourself and know that he trusted you to use your creativity wisely.

Prince preferred Duke Ellington’s style of horns

P would send Mike tapes of a lead line and melody and Mike would add horn parts.

Mike did Black Muse, new Xtraloveable, When She Comes, Groovy Potential, Morning Papers and more (He’s been around for about 25 years)

Percentage of things recorded to released of the work Mike did. 50%

He co-wrote Billy Jack Bitch. While they were working on something, Mike played P a song during tape change. P said “Who do I have to pay to use that” The instrumental part of Billy Jack Bitch was written by Mike.

Story : Working on something and Mike B was impressed with how it sounded. Forgot everything he said could be heard in the control room by P. Commented “man that is funky” P responds “yes it is.”

Story : Tenor sax was playing a solo while working on something and it didn’t go well. When it was done, from the control room P says “You guys see Waterworld?” Tenor sax guy “No who’s in it” Prince, “Your mama” Tenor sax guy, “Oh it’s good to know she’s getting work!” “Prince falls off his chair from laughing” (Waterworld has a reputation for being a very bad movie.)

Q: Why did you last? P told him “You and Clare Fischer really understand my music.” Was asked to be full time in 2012. He never had a falling out or harsh words with P and P never rejected any of his additions to his songs.

Got our pictures from our tour back. Framing mine for sure! It’s like my 5th picture in here and the only good one, lol...

Funk Soldiers Concert

Honesty we were all kind of weary about this as this seemed to be a remix of the NewPower Soul group to some degree...or at least that concept, but once again VERY happy to be completely checked about the assumption because they were PHENOMENAL and not just because of something that happened...! Set list : 

I’m Yours

I Feel For You

Party Man

Girls and Boys

Lady Cab Driver/Irresistible Bitch mashup (!)

1+1+1 is 3 (I LOST. MY. MIND. YA’LL KNOW THAT ONE NIGHT ALONE TIME PERIOD IS MY COMPLETE FAVORITE AND NOBODY DOES COVERS OF THOSE SONGS AND IT WAS SO GOOD!)

The Work Part 1 (I WAS ABSOLUTELY DELIRIOUS! AGAIN BECAUSE THIS IS MY ERA AND NOBODY DOES THIS! I was so into it singing, foot stomping and dancing, I got tapped by security and they asked if I want to go on stage! I 100% always say I’d never do it, but I thought I’d get to jam out to The Work since that goes on for a bit. I got back stage and they said I was to be part of a dance battle (WHAT?! I LEGIT AM THE MOST RESERVED PERSON USUALLY ABSOLUTELY NOT! (And also I guess for The Professor, lol) So me and Lenny Beason (from Purple Underground who thankfully I mostly know in real life so I was comfortable) were to battle to...

Black Sweat (Kip told me to go first so I tried to do every dance I could think of...The Housequake, The Get Off dance, Tried to remember the Purple Funk SF Funknroll dance but my mind blanked so I did some booty pops and stopped on the accents with a pose. Lenny went during the next chorus...then I had to go again. Shelby said I’m her funk sister now and we got T-shirts! My heart was beating so fast ya’ll! It pays to love The Rainbow Children! LOL!

Chelsea Rodgers

Xtraloveable (AGAIN A DREAM COME TRUE I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO HEAR THIS LIVE WITH THESE GUYS DOING THE HORNS!)

Big City

Welcome 2 the Dawn (SO glad they did this instead of Purple Rain! Amazing choice! A Great song!)

Paisley Park

All the Critics Love You in New York/Housequake Jumps

Alphabet Street (Sheila E came out and crowd surfed for a bit)

Very good job! They were very tight, funky, and kept everyone’s spirits WAY up, especially with the EXCELLENT choice of Welcome 2 the Dawn being the only slow song.

This day was the 21st and honestly it was a BLUR. Even if I hadn’t gotten chosen by Ghost Prince to go up, the experience the band gave us with their energy and love made it hard to be sad this day. For me, interestingly I had a harder time on the 20th seeing him up there at the Big Screen event and with all the news that came out on the previous Thursday...did stay in bed for a bit that day to be honest...but “the day” was so full of just AMAZING like he legit came down like “ya’ll don’t cry for me...look at all this that I left behind for you to enjoy!” This day was was distracting with so much information followed by such an explosive show! Everyone was on their feet dancing, singing, hands in the air, just the whole time!

I’m very glad the days for the arena event got switched because it honestly would have been too much for me if it fell on this day...

Last part here!

#prince #prince celebration 2018 #purple homecoming 2018

[nivasvas]

Chelsea secure first league victory since Boxing Day in confident display vs. Tottenham

Chelsea secured their first win in the Premier League since Boxing Day as they beat Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 on Sunday.

Former Chelsea boss Antonio Conte made his league return to Stamford Bridge but he was unable to guide his side to a win as Hakim Ziyech and Thiago Silva scored for the home side.

It is the third time that Spurs have been beaten by Chelsea this month after they knocked Conte's side out of the Carabao Cup over two legs.

"We were working extremely hard for it and it was a tough match. The effort was outstanding and it was a deserved win. It is so hard to create chances against them but we were relentless and kept on believing," Chelsea coach Thomas Tuchel said after the match.

"Keep on going, there was no need for changes, some details of when to take the risk and when not. Encouragement to keep on going."

It looked like Spurs had taken the lead in the first half when Harry Kane had the ball in the net from eight yards out. However, referee Paul Tierney had already blown his whistle for a push on Silva and the goal didn't stand.

"It is very difficult to comment and I don't want to comment on the referee's decision. But to disallow this goal in England, was incredible for me," Conte said post-match.Chelsea came out in the second half with a renewed vigour and quickly got their first goal just two minutes into the restart. Callum Hudson-Odoi found Ziyech in space and he curled the ball into the top corner with his left foot.Chelsea's second came eight minutes later when Mason Mount whipped a free kick into the box which Silva hit past Hugo Lloris."The game agaisnt Brighton [when he did not celebrate a goal] we didn't play well so there was frustration. But today we played well, they had some counterattacks but it wasn't dangerous at all," Ziyech said after the game."How good was the goal? I think it was 10 out of 10. I thought maybe I hit it a lttle bit hard and in the end I saw it go in."The loss puts a dampener on Spurs' Champions League ambitions after fellow top four contenders Arsenal drew 0-0 with Burnley earlier in the day. A win would have sent them above their north London rivals with a game in hand. Sexy Gaming

#สล็อตออนไลน์ #สล็อตแตกง่าย #สล็อตเว็บใหญ่

[dinoalexander]

Your Moment of Zen: The Gourmet Academy’s Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular

Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary conforming life forms across seven star systems... the Gourmet Academy’s World Famous Get Down Like a Hound Party ‘til You Puke Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular... is ON! === “Time to play everybody’s favorite game show, Fireworks or Gunshots?” -BFG

“Goddamnit. I have to be the adult, don’t I?” -Gordon

“You can copy the format, you can copy the look, but you can’t copy culture!” -UBA

“Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this craziness.” -Kimberly

“Starting a petition to have Barbara Walters do the ball drop next New Years just to hear her say, ‘I’m Barbara Walters and this is 2020.’” -Chelsea

“Hello, Antonio Brown's Shiny Helmet Emporium, how can I help you? What's your pleasure?” -Carl

“Watch me whip out my Shenehneh.” -Gordon

“I feel like I’m watching one of my movies, because this whole damn thing sucks.” -John Cena

“I giggled.” -Michael

“I’m not saying BH90210 is the worst thing in the history of all recorded media, but if somebody had the theory that Luke Perry faked his own death to avoid any and all association with it, I would be willing to entertain that theory.” -Kevin

“Any day the key card works is a win.” -Joe Ovies

“She played a fiddle in an Irish band...” -Ed Sheeran “No she didn’t.” (Click) -Chico

“CBS was callin’, I’m Black Monty Hallin’.” -Wayne Brady

“Richard Quest on CNN!  He's gonna ask the rest of the 500 questions!” -Klaussie

“Work. What is this work bullshit?” -Gordon

“Verizon and Tegna, when the carriage agreement ended.” -MD

“I got my words! I got my friends! I got my words WITH my friends!” -Megan

“Thoughts and prayers to the Love Boat, who had her on so frequently her name probably appeared higher up on the call sheet than Isaac or Doc.” -Kevin

“Another fine product from Assmung.” -Carl

“Remember how I thought Adam Gase was a total piece of crap? I have been proven right. Fuck Adam Gase and the horse that rode in on him.” -Cyndi

“Walls? Where we’re going, we don’t need walls.” -Laura

“I’m a person who wants to be productive trapped inside a person who wants to sleep all day.” -Cortney

“Tommy Chong is a THC-list celebrity.” -JB

“Hey did you know that Francesa met Secretariat?” -Greg

“In a year when Black Panther told a story of a black superhero in a futuristic world struggling with real questions about how to deal with racial oppression, and BlacKkKlansman told a story of racial wounds in America that continue to this day and the need for allies to put themselves on the line, Best Picture went to Green Book, the story of a brilliant black musician as told through the white guy who drove him around. Okay.” -Kristin

“Advice: avoid sugar, Oregon Trail diseases, & women named in Mambo No. 5.” -Austin

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but so will my poor eating habits and bad decisions.” -Sarah Pribis

“She was prepared to kill a cockroach with a baseball bat.” -me on overzealous providers

“I am the crocodonkey.” -Klauss

“Aaaaaand we just lost Quisla.” -C

“Can Scaramucci last longer than a Scaramucci?” -...I don’t know, somebody.

“I want dysentery! ... wait what?” -Kyle

“My boobs are not real.” -Gordon

“I want to stop this show and take 10% of you outside, right now!" -Chris Harrison

“OMG Parallel Universe me, stop it!” -C

“I figured out who should host the Oscars ... Colin Kaepernick! Dude still needs a job, right? Also, he’s like two or three times the size of Kevin Hart. I bet we could pay him the same amount, so it’s like getting a bargain! Of course, I’ll want a modest consulting fee from the Academy. Problem solved. You’re welcome.” -Clint

“How the hell am I supposed to put this thing together? Are there instructions or am I just supposed to wing it?” -C “Even IKEA gives me instructions in a foreign language and a tiny ass tool.” -Q

"The only place you see Success before Work is in the Dictionary: -Mauro Ranallo NXT Takeover Phoenix

“A bold statement from a guy dressed as a hippo on a talent show.” -Klauss

“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food.” -Gordon

“Time to play “Sexy or Sleepy”?” -C

“... that means ‘Eff you, you, you, and you’.” -Jason “That’s my autobiography right there.” -Gordon

“The magic thing about home is it feels good to leave but it feels better to come back.” -Emily “Home is a bit like that.” -C

“Thoughts and prayers to Ryan Stiles, who has lost his go-to celebrity impression.” -BB

“Hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways, but you don’t have to, USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL, ASSHOLE!” -Q

“What, you think people do coke once?” -Greg

“I can read off a TelePrompTer like a motherfucker.” -Kristen Bell

“‘Thank God we will be able to see more Pat Buchanan on TV’ said no one ever. I mean, for fuck’s sake, the last thing that is needed is another show featuring a panel of bloviating pundits. I get it. It’s cheap and easy to produce. But so is p*rn.” -Kevin, on The McLaughlin Group

“After watching HQ Words you wonder why Anna Roisman hasn't hit the big time yet. After watching HQ After Dark, you can completely understand why.” -Gordon

“If I die tonight, I want two of the Woodpeckers, two of the Football Tar Heels, and two of the Panthers to serve as my pallbearers so they can all let me down one more time.” -C, on Bad Sports Week 2019

“The first time is flattery, the second time is a lie.” -Michael

“I went to the mall with my pops. I saw something driving to there that truly shocked me. Someone had an orange Ford F650 extended cab pick up truck… With duallies… A rolling coal smokestack… And hubcaps with spikes on each of the nuts. And my only thought was… “My God… It must be MICROSCOPIC!” -Brian

“Would’ve expected to see “Employees must wash hands before returning to work”, posted in the restroom, but alright NOLA, still good looking out I guess...” -Casey

“Because....um.....going from a 40 to a 33 waist apparently makes people want to bed you.” -Gordon

“Breaking news: Idiot talks to idiot on a channel watched by idiots.” -Kevin

“Screaming tree maraca!” -Dahlia

“Looks like I fell down on the job.  Metaphorically, because literally would make me Oprah Rich and I'd be full of imported cheese right now.” -Laura

“In another decade or so, somebody is going to make a documentary on Ken Burns documentaries. The TRT will be 152 years.” -Kevin

“May your 2019 be filled with happiness, prosperity, great cocktails,  laughter, and Waffle House when you need it most.” -Rick Wilson

“There are sober people in England... No there’s not!” -Mike the CD

“Oh... oh.... oh....” -Q “IT’S MAGIC!” -C

“And finally, some of y’all still out here begging (I’m mean, pure, unadulterated BEGGING) for attention (I’m talking ANY attention) and validation. Lord Jesus put that sadness away. Just put it away.” - Michael

“I’m thinking of a number. The number is 10. You go first.” -JD

“Also, I would take tasteful pics of me making pizza naked. I'm only 30 and I'm only gonna look like this once.” -Kimberly D

“I have ADD. You wanna ride a bike? I’m gonna drink some water. Rooooooam if you want to... This coffee’s really delicious. I’m a sucker for you.” -Q

“Matthew Judon... Body built by Taco Bell.” -Matthew Judon, professional football player

“YEAH!!!! 1943, BITCH!” -my response to Q’s retelling of the events leading up to the Battle of Midway.

“Depending upon the inflection (Bless your heart) can mean anything from “oh you poor thing” to “would you lend me your brain?, I’m building an idiot”.” -Brian

“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” -LiyaZee

“That is a giant banana!” -Chris Ahearn, re: a giant banana “Why thank you!” -JB

“Betty White the Happy Homehooker.” -C

“I'll only have a hamberder if I can have it with covfefe.” -The Governess

“I will never forget when you surprised my ass in Atlantic City. That was the weekend of the Press Your Luck Prime Rib.” -JB “That was my first taste of the juice.” -Chico “And you been on the corner... ever since... looking for a fix.” -JB

“Sounds like a generic dude who owns the Ford dealership in every single city in America.” -BFG’s response to “Who is Tom Steyer?”

“Time to switch to Channel 7...” -Cyndi, getting ready to launch a Dallas recap style recap

“The only difference I've noticed this year is that now I get told, "OK Boomer", when I complain about holiday creep.” -Trey

“A 21st Century Koan... If a vegan that sold essential oils begin doing CrossFit… Which would they tell you about first?” -Brian

“Sorry I shoved my hair in your face.” -Christina

“You are turning into a Burberry wearing, wine drinking, charcoal mask wearing kinda guy... AND I COULDN’T BE PROUDER!” -Q

“Instead of airing new Love Island episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug “CBS is better off running Secret Talents of thr Stars.” -Gordon

“How far along are you?” -some guy “Oh, about six burritos and about a dozen cupcakes.” -Kimberly

“Answers and bribes go into the Corona Extra bucket.” -Michael

“Dear God, Please watch over Cole Anthony’s shoes.” -C

“What’s that scent you’re wearing? Oh, a little something I call washing your ass.” -Q

“You ever just wish there was a coffee delivery service? .... I do.” -Kathleen

“I’m just another brother with a game show.” -BFG

“(Unintelligible) ... Thicke of the niiiight.” -Greg’s impersonation of Gilbert Gottfried’s impersonation of Alan Thicke

“Antonio Brown doesn’t need football - ‘They’re going to play by my rules.’ A bold statement from a guy dressed as a hippo on a talent show.” -Klaussie

“You keep your head high and your middle finger higher.” -Alex

“There has to be a more scientific name for the penis. ... Intermittent organ?” —Gordon “That sounds pretentious enough to be scientific.” -C

“Zooey is saved for awkward sexy stories. Jeff Zucker is someone I don't want associated with "sexy stories".” -Dane

“Ryan is as Canadian as it gets. I think he bleeds maple syrup.” -C

“Turns out Gillette doesn’t work well with sensitive skin after all.” -Ben Rejmer

“Are you drinking something funny there, sunshine?” -Statboy

“It's so cold out here on the east coast that Jim Dolan, the brilliant genius that he is, decided to warm the citizens of Manhattan up and turn MSG into a giant dumpster fire.” -Gordon

“Ziggy is my spirit animal.” -C

“It may sound bougie, but.. you look good, you play good. You play good... they PAY good.” -Cam Newton

“We could be flying Pan Am Clippers to Venus. But MTV stopped playing music, legalized weed, and elected Donald Trump.” -C

“I get it. Tom Brady = deflated balls. Alex Guerrero = "inflates them". Hookers like Tom Brady. Damn, Alex Guerrero is better than Viagra.” -Klaussie

“I think I found the pony under the pile of shit." -Kimberly

“Skype sucks ass.” -Gordon

“In this troubled times, I like to put my hand over the  kidney in my heart, stare at the moon of Mars contemplating how the wheel is older than the wall, the great things Frederick Douglas is doing  & just being thankful I have ID to buy cereal, thankful for George Washington Airport victories & I don't have Windmill cancer.” -Trent Capelli...Twitter

“Sugar isn't "worse than cocaine."  You're not killing yourself by ingesting sugars either in foods or in your coffee.  People who are selling you weightloss programs want to tell you that you're killing yourself but there is no scientific evidence that sugar kills humans.   Thank you for attending my TEDtalk.” - Shrub

“I found a love...” -Ed Sheeran “No you didn’t.” (Click) -Chico

“Many of you are wondering about my mental state after the Vols game last night. I assure you last night I slept like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry...” -Brian

“If you paid $7 for a Jack & Coke, you got jacked.” -Klaussie “... and Coked.” -C

“Rich Eisen getting triggered by an f’n commercial for 9-1-1 because it featured a fictional situation in a place where his kid goes to is the most white guy thing ever.” -Greg

“And now that your reagent is all nice and mixed and all the chemicals have gotten to know each other, gently put the reagent cartridge onto the instrument. Gently... GENTLY, YOU IDIOT!” -C, to himself

“... goddamned hula shirt.” -Q

“The person who wrote the article needs to be taken in the back and have their writing license revoked. And then shot. And then never be allowed to touch a keyboard again. And then have their hands chopped off.” -Gordon

“They got Bowzer next to Barbi Benton, the lucky son of a bitch.” -C

“Here's what gets me every time I see the trailer for the Cats movie...these are all successful actors. Like...nobody in this movie actually needs to do this.” -Lana

“I made Chico donate $24 to Extra Life.” -Gordon

“You guys are compact cars like I’m a gay, wasted white girl.” -Q

“HQ is like the divorced dad with a much younger, hippy dippy, girlfriend-- and the kids don't want to visit.” -Amberlee

“Suck down your coffee like you own it!” -Hollie

“DRUM SOLO!!!” -Weird Al

“You know when you’re a podcaster you need a good vocabulary. I did always have one. When I was young I mixed up Jacuzzi and Yakuza. And for a while I was in hot water with the Japanese mafia.” -Brian

“It’s game of thrones, but I’m much less Jon Snow and much more Johnny Mudstorm.” -Gordon

“Skype is being a ho.�� -Jason

“It's a less-sensitive Soul Man, in a time we need no such shit.” -Klauss

“I thought you were gonna get a room.” -Chapel Hill Phil “I thought you were gonna mind your business.” -Chico “.... that’s fair.” -CHP

“For those of you who are upset about being single on Valentines Day, remember this... 99% of my socks are single but you don’t see them crying about it!” -Connor

“They are selling CBD oil at Bed Bath and Beyond?! I’m sure that’s quality stuff. Honky, please!” -Christina

“She is twisted. If she swallowed a nail, she’d shit out a corkscrew.” -Q

“Oh Taylor Swift. Patron saint of Pride Month. Thank God for straight white girls.” -Michael

“Apollo’s Chariot: “I’m the biggest baddest hypercoaster on the eastern seaboard.” Intimidator 305: “... Bless your heart.” Fury: “Both of you can hold my sweet tea.”” -C

“I don't know you and I sure as heck don't know your sister.” -Klaussie

“Nothing makes you stronger than having no choice in the matter. You’re strong because you have to be.” -Christina’s dad

“Apparently people have mistaken my professional courtesy with genuine interest.” -Michael

“Jon Bauman, you dingleberry!” -Chico a la James May

“Bad enough it’s Scott but it’s Comic Sans, so that makes it even worse.” -Nick “Gentlemen... start your whacking!” -Cyndi “PHRASING!” -Jay, Chico, JVG

“As Robert Downey Jr. once said...” -Cindy

“Whenever I see a married couple with a joint Facebook page, I never, ever have any thought other than "I wonder which one of 'em cheated."” -Adam

“Why is Dan Orlovsky talking football and why should I take anything Safetyman says seriously?” -Cyndi

“Okay, you're a billionaire and can easily afford top-of-the-line call girls at $5,000 to $10,000 an hour and you go to a sleazy massage parlor where the women smell like lavender and shame (so I've heard).” -Steve

“My floor is occupied with eggs.” -Gordon

“Quis, your thing is making noise. Can you make it... not make noise?” -C

“I’ve been waiting at the phone for 29 years hoping someone can win this cruise!” -Klaussie

“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food. #WelcomeBackToLeague #BowlerCityThievery #CheckingTheCamerasAfterLeague.” -Gordon

“I'm proud to say I only cried five times.  Admittedly, once was during the opening credits...” -Prof. O

“Phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Okay, the shirt I was wearing when Liza gave me a slimy hug...I wanted to keep wearing it but I also loved the way the slime stains looked on it, so I waited six weeks to wash it so the slime stains would be totally set in. I just did laundry and there’s not a slime stain to be found anywhere on this shirt. On the one hand, mildly disappointed, but on the other hand, holy crap, Tide just made a customer for life out of me.” -Adam

"Really, you don't go back to the crazy ex-girlfriend. You leave her in the insane asylum." -Rafael Siegel, former Cash Show host

“Don't slap Charlotte in her boobs, you're just making her ANGRY!” -Brian

“Is it bigger than a Bird Box?” -Adam Nedeff’s take on What’s My Line?/Bird Box

“That song Birthday Sex is depressing when it’s your birthday and you have no sex.” -Red

“Politics politics politics Sean Spicer politics politics politics DWTS politics politics politics shimmy shimmy shimmy politics politics politics *tea sip*” -Kimberly

“We may need to add Brie Larson to the "How big is Batista's dick?" question list.” -Dane

“Chico and I not only know that we;re going to Hell, we requested a nice suite, complete with kitchen, spa and bidet, Aaron is coming also. We should have room in the suite for more if you want to join us.” -Gordon

“If Bill Cosby is telling you to get out, get out.  Else, you'll get a dinner drink with a special surprise.” -Klauss

“Hey, what’s coming out this May?” -Q “(Incoherent slurring)” -C “Really? Who’s in it?” -Q “Ryan Reynolds, I dunno.” -C

“I feel like Neville Longbottom with a remembrall.” -Amberlee

“Comically oversized shit sells. It's America, bigger is better.” -Jessica

“You’ve heard of salt in a wound or lemon juice on a paper cut... but have you heard of Oxi Clean powder on a fingernail you cut too short? Pro tip: avoid that.” -Coby

“I have an idea.” -Q “OH NO!!!! NOT AN IDEA!!!!” -C

“Truck contains political promises.” -actual septic truck

“Uhh... framing?” -C

“It’s very easy to get friends on these apps if you say you’re a hot chick.” -Gordon

“Woodstock 50 cancelled after organizers determined they can’t make it as hilarious as Fyre Fest.” -Adam

“Age and wisdom divorced decades ago. Stupid people get old too.” -Austin

“They put some extra claps in this.” -C, re: CS2019 theme

“I hope she’s dreaming the biggest, bestest dreams... and I hope she never stops.” -Kathleen, on her new little girl.

“You think it’s awkward buying condoms, try returning them!” -Q

“If Mississippi State wins the Outback Bowl, we all get free Bloomin' Onions. If Iowa wins, we all get free Coconut Shrimp. If that's not reason enough to root for Iowa, I don't know what to tell you.” -Matty

“Full hearts, full stomachs, can’t poop.” -Evil Travis

“That's it. Officially referring to my boobs as my "small turkeys".” -LiyaZee

“More phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Tried watching pre-debate coverage, but the phrase "brutal Darwinian logic of winnowing" sent me back to Press Your Luck.” -Heather

“...if we hold up a painting of Hurricane Dorian, will it die?” -Amberlee

“Hey Cindy... you married that.” -C

“Literatively? Okay.” -Gordon

“I plan on going with Chef from South Park's line on that one -- "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college."” - Kristin, on “Break Up With Your Girlfriend (Because I’m Bored)”

“Allegiant Stadium. Much like the Raiders... A WORK IN PROGRESS.” -C

“Nobody could sing like Milli Vanilli… But let’s be fair neither could they.” -Brian

“Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH!” -Nedeff’s lyrics to the love theme from “Strike It Richl by Hal Hidey

“In God we trust, all others must provide research-based, peer-reviewed data.” -Aryn

“Go-gurt™: because fuck spoons and decency.” -Sarah Ann

“Like I said ESPN is to the Patriots what FOX News is to the Republican Party.” -Greg

“That is like walking hepatitis.” -Tim DeLaGhetto

“Will there be any trivia questions on your trivia question show?” -Erskine

“I’m a journalism major, so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” -BFG

“That’s Right is the Adam Gase of trivia apps.” -Greg

“And yes, Bill Maher does in fact molest collies, and goats...and sheep...and Chicago Bears. 😜” -JVG

“In the words of my dear uncle Paul, ‘Google it, bitch! I’m not here to educate you!’” -Nikki

“You know what they call the guy who graduates last in medical school?” -Megan “A doctor!” -C

“You can never win an argument with an idiot or an asshole. Idiots don’t know they’re wrong, and assholes won’t even consider the possibility that they could be wrong. You can’t help it if you’re an idiot sometimes, but don’t be an asshole. Just something to think about going into 2019.” -Clint

“No Ganos is good Ganos with Graham Gano.” -Tim

“Enough loonies to fill up the Bank of Montreal.” -Klauss

“In the age of auto correct no less, it makes me shudder when I see the leader of the free world making fifth grade grammar mistakes.” -Q

“You look like who did it and why.” -Mary

“Ow, my check! ... I mean, ow, my neck!” -Big Rick

“This woman on Wheel of Fortune has two grandchildren named Kennedy and Nixon, and I have questions.” -Melanie

“You’re the President of the United States and getting dragged by fucking Burger King. It’s just... wonderful.” -Shannon

“Classy, Like a White House Big Mac.” -Actual team trivia name

“Sex is a mistake 9 out of 10 times.” -Michael

“Who signs the cat?” -Carl

“This feels like an SNL sketch. Where’s Bill Hader?” -Greg

“Yeah! And uh...I played HQ with one of them in a hotel room. Wait, that sounds creepy.” -BFG “More than that.  (No, THAT sounds creepy.) You have played online trivia with one of them.  Surely you ran into or at least saw others in Vegas.” -Klaussie

the subject: The Jeopardy! All-Stars

“Step 1: Go to McDonald's. Step 2: Order a Shamrock Shake. There, now you don't have to read the article.” -Prof. O via Evil Travis. The question: “How to order a Shamrock Shake.”

Lunch lady: “Hey Dino! Get me a grape soda! I’m thirsty!” C, after an insane amount of giggling: “You said it, not me.”

“Some bitch decided she wanted to be a bitch.” -C

AP headline on Twitter: "Tim Tebow struggling in Triple-A; still a work in progress." GSNN: "Funny -- so was 'Million Dollar Mile'."

“The Bosa brothers = MAGA Gronk.  Don't @ me.” -Klauss

“... BASSOON SOLO!!!!!” -Weird Al

Greg: “Crying Game Cereal. A surprise in every box.” (Everyone dies for, like, five minutes) Chico: “... I’m going to HQ.... YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCH!”

“Aunt Becky has some stupid kids.” -Austin Rogers

“I wanna be 21 again and ruin my life differently... I have new ideas.” -Sarah Pribis

“Mannnn listen!! It's time to just throw the whole R. Kelly away!!” -Bruce

“By the time all is said and done, I will have been awake for 24 hours.” -C “Rookie.” -G

“Instead of airing new LI episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug

“Well they went over as well as a ham sandwich at a kosher deli.” -Q

“Drop it and get out of here!” -Carl’s boss

“The call is coming from inside the wheelhouse.” -Ullsperger

“I am the Marquis de Asshole.” -Gordon

“Elizabeth Banks’ ass is America’s ass.” -C, with apologies to Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, and Bill Carruthers

“Don't have an iPhone or iPad? Maybe you can beg at the boots of your betters, proletariat scum!” -Megan

“Tom Brady and Bob Kraft shaking hands and whispering into each other’s ear... ‘Hail Hydra’.” -C

Jason (discussing the Masked Singer): “The Hippo was ANTONIOOOOOOOO Brown!” Brian H: So THAT'S how the Madden Curse happened this year.

“Manish Mehta is on 92.3 The Fan right now.  My first thought after hearing him for 5 seconds:  He sounds like Aziz Ansari as The Bookworm on that SNL GSN show parody a few years ago.” -Klaussie

“Look at me, I’m Sandra Bullock.” -Nick

"That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything. You're a bit cold? Tea. Your boyfriend has just left you? Tea. Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt? TEA DAMMIT!" — LiveJournal user jslayeruk

“Temporary emotions lead to permanent mistakes!” -C

“Tuesday night wasn’t just biscuits. Roy Williams went ahead and got the dirty rice to go with it.” -Adam Lucas after Carolina made State humble, 113-96

“Shaka... when the paywalls fell.” -Kevin

“Barbi Benton... ROLL TIDE!” -Greg

“I love when you ask for recommendations for establishments, services, recipes, products, etc., and people respond with, "Did you Google it?" Like, Thanks, Karen! I hadn't thought to use the easily-accessible, number one search engine in the world before! I'm totally not looking for recommendations based on actual experience from personal friends who will give me honest feedback, so I'm glad you directed me to Google!” -Cindy

SWSNBN: “Can your cover for me while I eat my sandwich?” C: “Go eat your sandwich.” SWSNBN: “I’ve got nothing going on.” C: “You’ve doomed us all. Go eat your sandwich.”

“If life gives you lemons remember: life was very honest about how many people it'd been with.” -Austin

“Two hours after lunch is still after lunch! BOOK SAY SO!” -C

“Remember, two wrongs don’t make a right, three rights make a left, and I’m Kyle Serra, quiz responsibly.” -Kyle

Q: “The answer fell into the pizza!” C: “Well now not only is it correct, it’s delicious.”

“Tom Brady just got the sixth stone. Half the NFL is about to vanish.” -Nikki

“I’m Max Essodus and I’m leaving!” -Klauss

“Chuck Todd is a bowl of Jello with a bad goatee and a shitty hair cut.” - @PhillyLocalGuy

“Leonard Frey! Leonard Frey! Anytime you call, Leonard will take care of you! Winter, Spring and Fall!” -Chico

“I THINK I’M BREAKING EVERY FCC RULE IN THE BOOK!” -Kevin Harlan calling two NFL games at the same time

“Horrible news to report, Baby Yoda has died after Myles Garrett beat the shit out of him with a helmet.” -Barry McCockiner

“The Yankees are like Roman Reigns: they’re good, everybody still hates them, and they always kick out of your finisher shm” -Mike Janela

“My nightmare is being stuck working for a guy that looks like Chris Cillizza” -@ChadShartman

“Mel Gibson/Rothschild casting is most inspired decision since Richard Spencer was chosen to write the screenplay for the new Frederick Douglas parody bio pic.” – Josh Marshall

“OOOOH! A LITTLE BIT OF THE BUBBLY!” - Chris Jericho

“Minecraft? HELL NO!” -Amberlee at RewardTheFan on Minecraft RewardTheFan

“109876543210, Happy New Year!” – Kyle @ Trivia Crack

“LYDIA CORNELL IS NOT A BIMBO!” -Mike

Tony Stark: “Hey, you said one out of fourteen million, we'd win, yeah? Tell me this is it.” Doctor Strange: “If I tell you what happens, it won't happen.”

America, let me just tell you something, do not commit crimes with checks.” –Charles Barkley

“I bet George Halas and Pop Warner are up there now coaching Angels in the Heaven Bowl.” –Cord Hosenbeck

“The director saw Green Book and was inspired to make a bigger disaster of a movie about race.” –From the IMDb Trivia Page for Loqueesha

“Drew Brees and Harry Styles fighting over a Pepsi is Peak 2010s.” -Chico

“The aging app? I didn’t know there was an app that helped Mike Maccagnan make his freaking draft picks!!!” -@DAitken90

“For all the notes and stats FOX gave out, they missed that this was the very first post-season game in history where two wife-beater closers gave up two-run home runs in the 9th.” -Ken Levine

Chico: “Man, Bowzer ruined this!” Mike: “Just like the second half of the show Bowzer ruined this!”

“Amazon Suggestion for David Pecker: Because you considered “Blackmailing the Richest Man Who Ever Lived,” we recommend you “Get an Orange Jumpsuit.” –Stephen Colbert

“When in doubt, choose Helium!” –Megan

“They should make a Mistress Pac-Man. Ghosts chasin’ her around the apartment Pac-Man rents for her, eatin’ all the strawberries and chocolates he sends and whatnot. Then the last level Ms. Pac-Man is after her ass like “Oh HELL no that’s MY round yellow man!!!” –George Wallace

“God is a woman and her name is Hailee Steinfeld” -@dakotalanthimos

“I stopped by the Statue of Liberty today, thinking about freedom, and the ability to go for it all.” –Bill Walton at the Pac-12 Tournament in Las Vegas talking about being at the NY-NY Casino

“today marks LaGuardia Airport’s first positive contribution to America.” –Jack Holmes on the end of the Late 2018-Early 2019 Government Shutdown

“BEAT THAT GHOST DICK!” -Matt Richards

Greg: “What if the Monster on The Masked Singer is Michael Cohen?” Mike: “If it is that will almost guarantee there won’t be a second season of The Masked Singer.”

“Roger Clemens tried to smash Mike Piazza’s head with a baseball bat and was still less of an asshole than Curt Schilling.” -@[email protected]

“I love all the diversity in Star Wars. There’s brown people and someone with a Boston accent” -Dani Fernandez

“I don’t care that Brock Lesnar won Money In The Bank, I want to know if Brett Somers won Money In The (BLANK)” -Mike

“Woodrow Wilson even with a stroke was sharper than Donald Trump is today.” –David Frum

“THE JABRONI OF THE JABRONI MOVIE FOR THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDE JABRONI NEED TO HAVE THE MOST EXCELLENT LEADING HEAL TO MAKE THE IRON SHEIK LOOK LIKE THE LEGEND. PROBLEM NOBODY HEAL ENOUGH TO BE THE LEGEND. THIS WAY ONLY PERSON THAT TAKE THE CHRIS HEMSWORTHLESS LOOK LIKE HE THE REAL BABYFACE IS THE LEGEND IRON SHEIK. OTHERWISE THIS MOVIE WORSE THAN THE NOTEBOOK AND WORSE THEN THE JABRONI BETTE MIDLER BEACHES” –The Iron Sheik

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass!” - Scott Lang “That is America’s Ass.” - Steve Rogers “America’s Ass? Are you talking about Tom Villard?” - Mike

“Oh Jesus, it’s Jimmie Walker’s turn!” –Chico

“Where’s the Robert Kraft spa video? I’d rather watch a video of my own funeral.” –Gerard Mulligan

“So, does Jeff Zucker have to completely cause CNN to lose money and get devalued so badly it gets bought out by Comcast for him to replace Vince Russo as “worst Turner Broadcasting hire ever?” -Dane

“I was just researching Mark Russell as a "Whatever happened to...?" He's still alive.” –Matt Jones

“And all of ESPN and FS1’s morning shows are just the worst. People who watch them actually come away dumber for doing so. I don’t understand the appeal of watching idiots on either network yell biased opinions at each other...many of which are lacking context or facts beyond what they see on a caption of a social media post. It’s like going to a comment section and watching arguments.” -Dylan White on the Awful Annoucing Facebook comments section

“Hunter, Kiss my ass.” –Dave Bautista

“The fact that the CEO of twitter can have his account hacked is a blinding indictment of twitter’s security policies. The fact that no one could tell the difference is a blinding indictment of jack himself.” -@ChrisSmith_RSB

“I don’t know anybody who loves or even likes Trey Wingo.” -@SlicedBrett

“A Madea Star Wars” must now be a thing…” –Amberlee

“People are like "the New York Post is bad for that cover, subscribe to the Daily News instead!" as if the Daily News didn't run a screencap of a woman being murdered on it a few years back. They're both pure trash. Neither are better.” -Craig Calcaterra

“Tim Burton’s Dumbo brings out Michael Buffer TWICE to say “Let’s get rrready…for Dumbo!” and I laugh again every time I think about it.” –Ken Jennings

“Who the hell is Dr. Lee Franz?” –Jason H.

“I was in the theater and that moment was revealed and the audience was “OOOOH!” and I just was laughing so hard!” –Ron Burgundy remembering the ending of “The Crying Game”

“Ladies and Gentleman… whatever legitimacy pro wrestling has left literally crawled under the ring.” –Chico critiquing the workrate of Colin Jost

“BANODLES, ARE YOU READY TO GO SHOPPING, YOU SON OF A BITCH?” -MIKE

“Can y'all imagine if the Gremlins and Jason Vorhees both attacked at the same time that would be some difficult shit to deal with anyway talk to you later” -George Wallace

“Trump getting impeached over the Ukraine is a little like Scorsese getting the Oscar for The Departed, but hey recognition is recognition.” -John Ross Bowie

“Alex Trebek is a fixture in the American firmament and we're all behind him. What a great man, so kind to my family and so warm to all of us contestants. Send him your love.” -Austin Rogers

“Rather than bore you with my expansive knowledge of British politics, allow me to comment on more pressing matters: drunken Chris Jericho getting his belt stolen” -Mike Tunison (@xmasape)

“Only ESPN would do a feature on Robert Kraft taking former players to Jerusalem — while he awaits trial for soliciting prostitution in a sex trafficking ring.” -@willgcopeland

“Looking forward to the “In Memory of Jim Cornette’s Career” graphic that will be starting Dynamite.” - Trevor Dame

“Tom Steyer sounds like a guy who airs MLK and Columbus Day ads, where you can get a new Mustang or Fusion for up to $6,000 off MSRP” - BFG

“Eh, what’s her name? Her name Barry Lonson. She’s in da, she won Oscar for the movie “Stuck In The Basement”. Also, she’s in the movie “Kink Kong: He Got Love With Her” but how he make sex with her, she’s young, she’s small and he big. I don’t know?” -Yehya reviewing Captain Marvel

“To this day nobody knows who Ann Risley is.” -Chico

“Heartbreaking: there is apparently no video I can find of this moment, where a robot named "Mr. Scraps" delivered a ball to James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek), who had just arrived in a dry-ice-and-laser-bathed Delorean to throw out the first pitch in "The Biodome". Please enjoy this real quote from the Mariners former VP of marketing: "We named the robot Mr. Scraps, because it looked like a garbage can on wheels. Not exactly what we were expecting, but it served its purpose." [email protected]

MC Cool Cloud: “No union better mess with my family!” Cloud 9 Employee in Training Video: “Oh, MC Cool Cloud, (pats stomach) you’re gonna be the best dad.” Garrett: “I’m sorry, did MC Cool Cloud just impregnate a human?” Mateo: “I think he did.” “I’m in shock, Gene. I just talked to my accountant and I found out this guy made 30 grand and I’m working for minimum scale.” -Marty Cohen on MG-HSH Episode #12 “It would be kind of weird for a person named Tammy to be played by Tim Dunigan.” -Mike

“Chico's brain only has so much memory.  It's either the capital of Botswana, or something you rambled at 3AM while white-girl wasted.   Only one of those nuggets of wisdom is a panty-dropper, and I think we all know which.” -Laura

“So, the audience for SNL seems to be comprised of easily offended Catholics, YouTube “influencers”, and Trump. But Lorne Michaels still thinks he shouldn’t retire? Because if I learned those people watched something I produced, I’d eschew all technology forever and go live in one of those Unabomber log cabins.” -Kevin

“Morning report: The "Fuck Your Feelings" crowd sure gets triggered easily.” -Rick Wilson

“ZIPPERS?!” -Klauss

“We’s considerin’ buddies.” -C

“Automan’s naked and wearing a belt? I don’t get this!” -Klaussie

“You were standing in his crotch!” -Anna

“I am utterly surprised there were no traces of Batman cereal yet Greg's dad made at least 2 appearances.” -Klaussie

“Next time, can you pick a gas station that ISN’T in the middle of nowhere?” -C

“Did Isaac ever deliver cold hard cash direct to your PayPal account? No!” -Greg

“Too many phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Semi-Quotable of the 2010s--Hundreds of quips enter, Adam Nedeff wins because he's funny and he has half of Hollywood under his thumb.” -Klaussie

“You’re not you when you’re thirsty.” -Q, the Double Entendre of the Year

“Nobody ever robbed a convenience store to get sugar money.” -Brandon

“If you're mad at rich peoples kids for getting special acceptance/treatment at college and you aren't mad about all the athletes that get the same thing you're a hypocrite. Ya'll leave Aunt Becky alone.” -Stephanie

“Damn it! I used too much stick.” /Ethan

“And her tights say two cents a dance.” -Kimberly

“Go home, That’s Right. You’re clearly on meth.” -Evil Travis

“I paid $700 for THAT?!” -Klaussie

“Florida is now under a Jim Cantore watch.” -Braden

“Good Brother, but Bad Mother!” -Gordon

“Dude. Even Nike hates Duke!” -D

“For 15 points, Will Smith’s arrogant cousin Hillary appeared in an episode of NBC’s hit sitcom Blossom. Another episode of blossom featured Don Novello playing the role of Father Guido Sarducci, and Father Guido Sarducci also popped up on an episode of Married...With children. Stay with me here. David Faustino’s character Bud Bundy also popped up all the Fox network sitcom Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. In another episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Parker crosses paths with grown-up Eddie Haskell, who of course,We all remember from Leave It to Beaver. His next-door neighbors, June, Wally, and Beaver Cleaver were all characters in an episode of the Love Boat. Now there is this other episode of the Love Boat where all of Charlie’s Angels are on board. In an episode of Charlie’s Angels, Dan Tanna shows up from Vega$. But that’s not important right now. Remember when I said Parker Lewis had crossed paths with Eddie Haskell? Well Eddie also popped up on an episode of Hi Honey I’m Home. So did Gale Gordon‘s character Mr. Mooney, who you might remember from the Lucy Show. There’s an episode of the Lucy Show where Lucy crosses paths with Private Gomer Pyle, USMC, who, of course originally appeared on the Andy Griffith show, which was a spinoff of Make Room for Daddy. On an episode of Make Room for Daddy, Danny encounters Buddy Sorrell, one of Alan Brady’s writers on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Alan Brady later appeared on Mad About You, where Ursula was the twin sister of Phoebe from Friends, and Phoebe’s friend Chandler Bing showed up on Caroline and the City, where Caroline draws a popular comic strip that is read and enjoyed by Daphne Moon, the caretaker for Dr. Frasier Crane’s disabled father. Dr. Crane used to hang out at a Boston bar called Cheers, where Norm, Cliff, and Carla encounter Drs. Auschlander & Westphall, but on a landmark 1988 broadcast, we learn that Drs. Auschlander & Westphall never existed and that all of the shows I mentioned in this question are logically the figments of the imagination of Tommy Westphall, Who is the only character who demonstrably existed on what beloved medical drama?” -Adam

“Snapchat Catch Phrase!” -Will & Erinn

“#1800235DEAD!” -...damn near everybody

“Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners.” -Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners

“This tea is delicious.” -Kimberly === Here’s to 2019... Come together, just think of tomorrow.

[pulsdmedia]

The Week Ahead 10/13-10/19

There’s something in the air; no, it’s not the smell of pumpkin spice lattes, or the lessening humidity in the subway. It’s that time of year when we approach the wickedly fun Halloween mayhem, which makes you forget that candy has calories, and remember that all bets are off when it comes to having an unforgettable time. But before you go dusting off your sexy police officer costume, take a look at all the non-Hallow’s eve things happening in the city this week, like a Black Tie Open Bar Gala, a morning with Lupita Nyong'o, a Tasting Dinner in Williamsburg, performances and a Q&A with the Cast of ‘Wicked' On Broadway, and then some. Spooky scaries avoided, for now...

$99 Ticket To A Glamorous 4 Hour Premium Open Bar Gala Downtown

Take it from The New York Times and WWD; it's time to break out your ballgowns and tuxedos, because The Fashion Foundation's Annual Black Tie for School Supplies Premium Open Bar Charity Gala is back for another night of drinks, eats, and dancing from 8:00pm-12:00am on Saturday October 19, 2019 at The Mezzanine. Your $99 Ticket allows you to revel in style with a 4 Hour Premium Open Bar that includes Specialty Cocktails by Codigo 1530 Tequila, Rusya Vodka, Puerto de Indias Gin, Bartenura Wines, Diplómatico Rum and so much more!

Enjoy Performances and a Q&A with the Cast of ‘Wicked' On Broadway

Get a front row seat as Macy's celebrates the 16th Anniversary of 'Wicked' on Broadway with performances and conversations with the cast! Hosted by original Broadway cast member Ben Cameron, hear what it's like to be a part of the blockbuster musical that tells the story of the Witches of Oz… before Dorothy dropped in!

$49 For A Transportive Tasting Dinner For 2 With Cocktails in Williamsburg 

Hints of Warhol, Lichtenstein, plus an infusion of artistic flair & sass combine to create Silver Factory, a Williamsburg gem notorious for its innovative "New Korean" genre of cuisine and superb mixology program. This $49 pulse for a Tasting Dinner for Two includes 8 Dishes of Chef Hyo Jung's top hits, along with either 2 Cocktails, 2 Bottles of Soju, 2 Beers & 1 Bottle of Soju, or 4 Beers!

The Alchemist's Kitchen Presents A Class on Medicinal Herbs

Join Anthropologie in Chelsea Market for a cooking demo as local chef Diego Biondi showcases what's on the menu this season. In addition, enjoy exclusive access to Anthropologie's October AnthroDay promotion during the event! Plus, you'll get a chance to meet their Home Stylist and shop new fall arrivals.

$39 For A Gorgeous Blow-Out Of Your Choice in the West Village

The world's first and original blow-out studio, Blo Blow Dry Bar makes it possible to get stunning, A-list styling without a hitch on your busy schedule...just ask The Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, who used to visit while shooting Suits. $39 gets you a Blo Out, so take your pick from Blo's 7 gorgeous signature styles of Blow-Outs. Whether you go for the High Society, the Pillow Talk or the Red Carpet, the talented team at Blo will make your tresses look like the hair of your dreams.

Meet & Get Your Photo Taken With Lupita Nyong'o

Meet Academy Award–winning actress Lupita Nyong’o, as she celebrates Sulwe, her powerful, moving picture book about colorism, self-esteem, and learning that true beauty comes from within. Each ticket includes one pre-signed copy of Sulwe, entrance to the event space as Lupita reads Sulwe, and admission to the line to meet Lupita and get your photo with her.

[creepykingdom]

Chicago's Cinepocalypse Film Fest Announces Explosive 2019 Line-Up

Chicago’s premiere festival for electrifying and provocative genre cinema, returns to the Music Box Theatre June 13th for eight days of features, shorts, events and surprises, including eight fantastic break-out world premieres!

We’re proud to announce our new presenting sponsor for the third edition of the festival: ALTER, a horror brand from Gunpowder & Sky that curates, develops and distributes award-winning short films, series, and feature films.

Verotika

DIRECTORIAL DEBUT FROM PUNK/METAL LEGEND GLENN DANZIG OPENS FEST WITH HEAVY HORROR ANTHOLOGY VEROTIKA

CFF 2019 couldn’t be more excited to introduce you to VEROTIKA, the directorial debut from Misfits founder and punk/metal legend Glenn Danzig. Glenn’s passion for film, the occult, and all things ghouls ‘n ghosts has long influenced his music, and now he’s taking these elements to the big screen. Featuring a plot shrouded in secrecy, a soundtrack of new Danzig music, and based on the output of his comic book publishing company Verotik—a compound of “violence” and “erotic”—this feature film anthology is a realization of his lifelong love of comics and the dark arts. We’ll melt your face off with the world premiere of VEROTIKA on opening night, with Glenn in attendance.

ICONIC GENRE ACTOR MICHAEL IRONSIDE HONORED WITH ACHIEVEMENT AWARD, IN ATTENDANCE FOR 70MM SCREENING OF TOTAL RECALL

The festival will present its annual achievement award to none other than the esteemed Canadian actor Michael Ironside, who’s been a staple in the world of genre cinema for the past three decades. Ironside will accept his award following a special 70mm screening of the sci-fi action film TOTAL RECALL.

Culture Shock

CINEPOCALYPSE SPOTLIGHTS THE BADASS WOMEN OF HORROR WITH GIGI SAUL GUERRERO’S CULTURE SHOCK; CHELSEA STARDUST’S HOTLY ANTICIPATED SATANIC PANIC; THE WORLD PREMIERE OF CARYN WAECHTER’S SOCIAL MEDIA NIGHTMARE DEADCON; VERONIKA FRANZ’S PSYCHOLOGICAL SLOW-BURN THE LODGE AND POLLYANNA MCINTOSH’S DELIRIOUS DEBUT DARLIN’

Cinepocalypse is rolling out the blood-red carpet for some of the most exciting voices in horror filmmaking of this age. We’re thrilled to host a special screening of CULTURE SHOCK, directed by Gigi Saul Guerrer, one of Variety’s 10 Latinxs to Watch. Her contribution to Hulu and Blumhouse’s popular Into The Dark series follows a young Mexican woman as her pursuit for the American Dream turns into the American Nightmare.

Minimum wage jobs are bad enough but a pizza delivery goes devilishly wrong in Chelsea Stardust hotly anticipated AFTER HOURS-esque dark comedy SATANIC PANIC. Produced by the production wing of Fangoria, who will also be releasing a special mini-edition of the magazine for CFF.

Satanic Panic

Caryn Waecther tackles isolation in the age of social media with her haunting sophomore feature DEADCON, following real-life YouTubers Lauren Elizabeth and Claudia Sulewski up against vengeful ghosts even more horrifying than their devoted fans.

Dark pasts come calling back in Veronika Franz & Severin Fiala’s Sundance hit THE LODGE as the fate of a young woman and her new, grudging step-children unravel in this star-studded psychological slowburn featuring Riley Keough, Jaeden Lieberher, Alicia Silverstone, Richard Armitage and Lia McHugh.

Pollyanna McIntosh, best known for her role on AMC’s The Walking Dead, moves into the director seat for DARLIN’, a follow-up to Lucky McKee’s 2011 film THE WOMAN, while also reprising her starring role in the debut that charged SXSW’s Midnight Madness earlier this year.

DELICIOUSLY DELINQUENT SPOTLIGHT ON GWAR WITH SPECIAL RETROSPECTIVE AND LIVE BUTCHERING OF CULT CLASSIC ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE

Cinepocalypse salutes the patron saints of debauchery with a two-tier punch of totally original and unparalleled cinematic chaos, with GWAR members in attendance. First with a special retrospective screening event showcasing a number of their most extravagant short films, including the Grammy-nominated PHALLUS IN WONDERLAND (for the first time on the big screen!). BälSäc and Sleazy P. take the stage to verbally skewer John Fasano’s 1987 Canadian cult classic ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE, starring (and written by) fellow rock god Thor!

Tammy And The T-Rex

LONG LOST FILMS ARE UNEARTHED WITH THE NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN, GORE-CUT OF TAMMY AND THE T-REX, STARRING DENISE RICHARDS, AND EXTENDED VERSION OF OUTRAGEOUS HOT DOG… THE MOVIE

Don’t let anyone tell you that lost treasure doesn’t exist, because CFF is beyond thrilled to present two world premieres more precious than the Holy Grail. A love story like no other (from the director of MAC AND ME, no less!), TAMMY AND THE T-REX is a ’90s Disney Channel movie on bath salts, starring Denise Richards as the titular T-Rex love interest. Thanks to the Academy Film Archive we’re able to screen the never-before-seen, never-known-to-exist, R-rated ‘Gore-cut’ 35mm print for the first time ever!

Get ready to return to the sexy slopes of HOT DOG… THE MOVIE for the 35th Anniversary Producer’s Cut 4K Restoration of the David Naughton- (AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON) and Shannon Tweed- (post-Playmate of the Year and pre-Gene Simmons) starring winter wonderland, PORKY’S-esque youth comedy, now with never-before-seen restored footage. The special screening will be hosted by Synapse Films Don May Jr., the A.V. Club’s Katie Rife and Mike “McBeardo” McPadden, author of Teen Movie Hell: A Crucible of Coming-of-Age Films From Animal House to Zapped!

CFF 2019 TEAMS UP WITH ORION TO PRESENT ‘RATED R’CHILD’S PLAY-INSPIRED SPEAKEASY DESIGNED BY GENRE-JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES GRAHAM SKIPPER, PARTNERS WITH CREEP RECORDS FOR VINYL RELEASE OF THE RANGER SOUNDTRACK!

CFF is pleased to announce two new dynamic offerings during our third edition that’ll take you beyond the screen. Visit Rated R, our CHILD’S PLAY-themed speakeasy at the Music Box, sponsored by Orion Pictures and designed by director/actor/performer Graham Skipper and live-entertainment creators Meyer2Meyer Entertainment. Rated R will feature themed drinks, spooky arcade games, horror movies, DJs, monsters lurking in the shadows, and more!

Bring the festival home with a copy of the limited edition vinyl soundtrack for Jenn Wexler’s punk-rock horror THE RANGER, part of our 2018 slate and available soon on Shudder. Released by Cinepocalypse and Creep Records, the album includes tracks from artists such as FANG, The Avengers, The Grim, and Dayglo Abortions.

ILLUSTRIOUS FILMMAKER JOEL SCHUMACHER HOSTS RETRO SCREENINGS OF CULT-CANNON FALLING DOWN ON 35MM AND FLATLINERS ON 70MM

Joel Schumacher, revered director of THE LOST BOYS, BATMAN FOREVER and ST. ELMO’S FIRE (to name a few!) joins the festival as Jury President and to present and take part in Q&As for special screenings of FALLING DOWN on 35mm and a rare 70mm print of FLATLINERS, originally filmed in Chicago.

Why Don’t You Just Die

AN AMBUSH OF ELECTRIC, EXCITING WORLD PREMIERES!

Continuing to set the bar for exciting new genre cinema, CFF brings even more world premieres to the Music Box. We’re not joking around when we say you’ve never seen anything like Eric Power’s ATTACK OF THE DEMONS. Three friends fight off a horde of demons in the apocalyptic film that more than delivers in carnage, gore, and cut-paper animation. Holly’s perfect-on-paper life is threatened by strange dreams she can’t explain in Dean Kapsalis’ THE SWERVE. Both a stellar portrait of depression and a horrific drama, Dean’s feature-debut easily marks him as an emerging talent to watch.

Indie horror vet Lucky McKee (MAY, THE WOMAN) returns with KINDRED SPIRITS, a twisted tale of two sisters, and the one who won’t let anything, or anyone, get between them. Eric Liberacki’s Chicago-set slasher THE LURKER pits theatre students against savage killer in a film that gives new meaning to “The show must go on!”

The festival will also play host to a number of exciting North American and Midwest premieres. Talal Selhami’s Morrocan monster horror ACHOURA, where old friends confront both their past and a beast of legends. Emilio Portes’ demonic border-set BELZEBUTH follows the investigation of missing children that takes a decidedly demonic turn. YouTubers try to crack a ghostly urban legend in Fabrício Bittar’s horror-comedy GHOST KILLERS VS. BLOODY MARY with equal amounts gags and gore. The Polish pagan epic THE MUTE, from award-winning Polish director Bartosz Konopka, explores a clash of beliefs in a thrilling, atmospheric heavy weight. Daniel de la Vega offers up a throwback to the days of black-and-white Noir films with the bewildering crime thriller PUNTA MUERTO.

Celebrated horror director Joe Begos brings us BLISS his latest pounding feature, that’ll drag you to the deprived underbelly of L.A. with the spiraling artist Dezzy Donahue, whose struggle for inspiration becomes complicated by her mounting bloodlust. Based on a tragic, true story Lucas Heyne’s MOPE follows two best friends, and low-end porn actors, who sought fame but gained infamy in connection to a gruesome, on-set murder. The tables are turned on two wannabe criminals in VILLAINS, from directors Dan Berk and Robert Olsen and starring Bill Skarsgård, when thievery runs a foul and the prowlers soon become the prey. Kirill Sokolov delivers a taste of bombastic revenge in WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE, a delicious serving of Russian dark humour as each character tries to murderously wreak revenge on the next, presented by our friends from across the globe, Paris’ L'Étrange Festival.

Cinepocalypse is thrilled to be supported by the following sponsors: ALTER, Orion, Bloody-Disgusting.com, Shudder, Fangoria, & Vinegar Syndrome.

This year’s poster was designed by visionary heavy metal artist Paul Romano, whose work can be found on hundreds of album covers and frequently collaborates with famed force of musical destruction Mastodon.

Festival badges are available now, and individual tickets go on sale Friday at noon CT at cinepocalypsegenrefest.com

#blogposts #cinepocalypse

[savetopnow]

2018-04-03 10 MUSIC now

MUSIC

Brooklyn Vegan

Janka Nabay, RIP

Dawes opening for Jeff Lynne's ELO on North American tour

tours announced: Flaming Lips, Cake/Ben Folds, Cut Chemist, Young Galaxy, more

comedy roundup: John Cleese, 'The Last OG,' NYC Podfest, Anthony Atamanuik, more

The Body streaming track off new LP, touring, playing Vitus

Consquence of Sound

Kanye West spotted at Rick Rubin’s recording studio

Design a t-shirt for Consequence of Sound and win!

Tool share new photos, video from inside the studio

Meek Mill denied request for release on bail

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend to end after next season

Fact Magazine

Mark Templeton announces Distorted Tourist photobook with five Flexidisc records

Hyperdub newcomer Proc Fiskal announces debut album Insula

Captain Beefheat’s Trout Mask Replica gets reissue on Jack White’s Third Man Records

U2 rename themselves ME2 to honor global women’s movement, announce deluxe Boy reissue

The 25 best albums of the last three months: January to March 2018

Fluxblog

Hohner Eko Taktron Arp

One Two Let Me Go

Shower Me In Symphonies

Fifth-Dimensional Views

Late Night Games

Idolator

She’s Coming! Carly Rae Jepsen Teases A New Song Called “This Love Isn’t Crazy”

Sabrina Claudio Returns With Sexy Bedroom Anthem “All To You”

Dua Lipa Teams Up With Calvin Harris For New Single “One Kiss”

Demi Lovato & Luis Fonsi Perform “Échame La Culpa” Live For The First Time

Elton John’s Amazing Life And Craziest Costumes

Listen to This

LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER -- Jam Session [Electronic/Alternative]

Yussef Kamaal - Remembrance [Jazz] (2016) Black Focus

Marsicans - Friends [Indie Rock] (2017)

Mad Zach - Noth (feat. yunis) [Electronic / Downtempo / Chill]

Daffy -- Show Me Love [Dream pop] (2017)

Popjustice

New Music Good Friday: Post Precious! Dragonette! CHVRCHES!

NONONO’s new one is v excellent and here’s the video

New Music Friday: all hail Let’s Eat Grandma’s miniature pop symphony

Paloma Faith’s branded content is better than your branded content

Saluting the artwork for PRETTYMUCH’s Healthy

Reddit Music

The Prodigy - Spitfire [Electronic]

Leonard Cohen - Chelsea Hotel No.2 [folk]

Outkast - Gasoline Dreams [Hip-Hop/Funk]

The Highwaymen - Highwayman [Country] - supergroup ft. Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, and Kris Kristofferson.

MGMT - Little Dark Age [Alt]

Rolling Stone

Ben Folds, Cake Team for Co-Headlining Summer Tour

Meek Mill: Judge Denies Request to Reconsider Prison Sentence

Bad Bunny: The Four-Billion-Stream Man Leading the Latin Trap Explosion

Review: The Weeknd's 'My Dear Melancholy,' Mixes Deep Gloom and Tough Love

Used Linkin Park Instruments Headed to Auction for Charity

Slipped Disc

Daniel Barenboim is on 60 Minutes this week

Yuja Wang gets back to basics

Russia mourns top chorus director

Musicians Union fights ‘worst scam in 20 years’

The piano duo we’ve all been waiting for?

Spotify Blog

The Weeknd Drops Two New Music Videos Only on Spotify

Taylor Swift’s New Delicate Video Only on Spotify

Spotify Expands Secret Genius With the Launch of Studios

Spotify and Genius Team Up to Launch Déjà Vu Podcast, Hosted by Stereo Williams

Spotify Celebrates Black History Year-Round with Launch of Black History Is Happening Now

We Are the Music Makers

Picked up this Adam A7X for $200 today

Question about song writing credit...

How to reach people with your music video?

What music are y'all listening to that inspiring right now?

Do any of you guys watch against the clock (fact tv) on youtube?

#music