#to my long term memory

[asingularshieldmaiden]

I literally got so much psychological damage from Tokyo ghoul re when Furuta said that I want her to carry all my babies like the 101 Dalmatians that I still think of that one specific panel to this day

#tokyo ghoul #furuta nimura #tokyo ghoul re #I can’t believe I read that with my own two eyes #was it a mistranslation I’m literally screaming it’s been like #3 months since I finished both series and this panel has added itself #to my long term memory #against my will #kichimura washuu

[canisalbus]

I dunno if this is going to start some sort of trend that sweeps the tumblrscape... but I couldn't resist...

.

#I can't #double Vasco #PANTALONES MON DIEU #good lord #I have no words #gift art #bluewingedcoyote #own characters #Vasco #Machete #I can already sense “pantalones mon dieu” permeating into my long term memory #Vasco(s) please put some pants on already

[justbreakonme]

Whumpee that used to be so good at their job/role, but now forgets things, struggles to learn new systems, who feels guilt and the gnawing fear of being left behind because oh god, am I useless now?

Whumpee who blows tiny harmless things out of proportion. Teammate showing them again how to use a tool sighs, or sets something down too hard, or doesn’t speak? They hate me, they hate that I can’t do this right.

Unable to tell anyone because why? How spoiled and selfish would they have to be to complain about being a burden? Who would they tell?

They internalize all of it, and just try harder and harder, but the stress of it just makes it worse.

Until Caretaker catches on.

#loosely inspired by me having a terrible time at my job #and my lovely roommate coming to save me without me needing to ask #I normally walk home but I was already unhappy and a ten minute walk through a cold drizzle was gonna be too much #I texted him to see if he could pick me up and he was already waiting outside #whump #whump prompts #team whump #long term recovery #memory loss #whumpee #caretaker #whump prompt #whump scenario

[lab-gr0wn-lambs]

I fuckin drew a character design and was like "agh no why does it look like something from that old Dream Boy webtoon" bitch I drew that. My brain shat itself so hard that I forgot I was the artist for Dream Boy. That was me. Sitting there like "oh it looks like- what was that one comic with the aliens.." The thing you spent 3 years drawing??? "Why does my art look like my art" I'm gonna throw myself out the window

#listen my old art style is just so foreign to me #this was only 3 years ago but we keep truckin #long term memory whats that #hell even short term memory- i went back through dream boy last week for a 'personal history' assignment #and yet

[pendleton-manor]

#fixed it and made it week long #why isn’t there a three days options that’s about as long as my long term memory #dishonored #dishonored 2

[finedinereception]

i think simon does end up physically back to where he started, mostly because i really want to explore the idea of simon emotionally hurting himself by trying to draw a line between himself and ice king. because the thing is that even if hes physically back to normal, he still is mentally afflicted by the remains of magic insanity and all the memories of those 900 years. hes extremely forgetful. he loses his temper more easily than before, or will start crying for reasons beyond his understanding. his physical coordination isnt as good as it was before. he feels godawful when magic queen puts the daily checklist back on the wall, because hes normal now, why cant he just remember to eat every morning? why is he getting lost 2 blocks away from his own home? why is he losing his temper over incredibly mild things?

its about the internalized hatred for himself. cutting a piece of his own identity away because hes not as well as he once was. he was ice king for longer than he was simon, but he doesnt want to acknowledge that it is part of his history and identity. itd be easier if ice king was a stranger who took control of his body for a while.

and he really needs to come to terms with the fact that he IS ice king, ice king IS him, just a different phase of his life, because pushing that fact away is only hindering his recovery.

#adventure time #simon petrikov #wizard married au #to be clear im not gonna label it with a specific mental illness because it can be a sensitive subject #its a magic-based condition similar to real world mental illnesses that makes him forgetful and damages coordination and mood regulation #but i dont wanna go hyper specific since i dont have experience with such conditions #my own experiences are mostly with cluster b disorders. bipolar depression. and anxiety #and he is refusing to use the coping methods ice king and magic queen came up with together because doing so would mean accepting ice king #as himself #and doing that is going to be an important step in moving forward #betty has also got some memory restoration stuff going on but its gonna be a LOT more complex and long-term

[blues-corner]

@tsunochizu 's fic backwards through the snow has all my braincells rn so have pebbles in his cyan robe that he detests

#rain world #five pebbles #he really shouldnt be deleting so many memories in the midst of a panic attack #very bad call #this surely wont have any long term consequences #rainworld #rw five pebbles #my art

[blinkpen]

mental heath stuff (not bad just candid)

dunno if i'll regret sharing this just yet, maybe i should have sat on it a little more until i knew exactly if i should share and how much, but parts of me really insist, and so i guess we're going for it

and i word that way because

months of exhausting processing has led me to conclude that I’m a system, so I’m still in the undertaking of cataloging an awful lot of shit into one rolodex. the kicker is i probably have been one for at least 20 years, but everyone got along so well and so cooperatively, like the most well harmonized combining mecha, that is oblivious to the fact it even is one. nobody even needed nametags in here.

…mostly. warning signs were there, it's just some of the issues that come from this sort of thing that did leak through, were hiding under other conditions that already cause similar complications. if you're familiar with the messier mental illnesses and all the ways they start to functionally melt at the edges and trade symptoms in odd places and our understanding of it all is still so half-formed, you'll probably get what i mean. hopefully people following me understand none of this crap works like it tends to get depicted in media

i'm schizophrenic and my mind is a fucking enigma anyway

anyway

then one "new" alter woke up last november in response to an acute straw breaking camel's back moment of abuse at home after enduring way too much for way too long, but the alter is not actually new, is technically one of the oldest, but she's been 'asleep' for like a decade and her point of origin is even older than that obviously this one was SO different and possessed SUCH a different headspace and set of tastes and desired behaviors, and subsequently threw equilibrium off so badly, all the components of the mecha suddenly realized they were components bc now the situation kind of required acknowledging that fact to proceed to even get starting fixing shit.

its like

"who is this weird one who broke everything" "no clue, you guys got any ideas?" "why would we have any ideas you don't, we're all us" "yeah like what do you even mean by You Guys?" "i think they're joking, like, because we're all copies of the same person, like the spongebob bit with the fine dining, they're asking themself rhetorically because it's funny…….. …….we are all the same person right. this is a metaphor. like the spongebob bit…… right….." "why are we not all immediately agreeing" "because before we could all reflexively say yes we realized we all had different definitions of The Same Person we are"

this is a gross oversimplification of course

this was a lot to process for pretty much all parts of me save one (incidentally, not the new one, the new one isn't shocked, but is a crybaby, so they didn't take Existing (Again) (2. Electric Boogaloo) very well. they do not take the prospect of 'going back to sleep' veryy either, though. so we're having to slightly redesign the mecha)

mostly through the worst of it, but among other problems we're still working to repair, this sleeper code alter caused a catastrophic system failure in the ventilation and even though everyone is mostly calmed down now, they can still smell everyone else's scented candles in their personal quarters, which is annoying when some of them have VERY different tastes in scents)

annoying, but not ruinous. fixing the AC is low priority compared to other things

like the pneumonic tube that used to let everyone hot potato information and memories from any time they were the one obliviously in the cockpit, we had a pretty damn good one, it was working so well we didn't know why we were even using it, and assumed its regular but manageable failings were just, natural, or because of some other factor affecting the tubes themselves or potato availability, and not considering most people do not have these potato tubes at all

yes i will probably make some kind of comic to conceptualize and visually externalize this i struggle to feel understood without doodles

also, while typing this post, specifically, tumblr did a fucky wucky, and when i realized i'd made an entire other post in the tags, i went to try to copy/paste them into the post but the nature of the fucky wucky prevented this. i'm really not in the mood to retype all that so it's just a screenshot now

#sporadic warbling #the good news the venn diagram between us all in terms of what we believe in and whats okay to do or not n shit mostly lines up #tho the scented candles thing is actually less trivial than it sounds / impacts QoL more than i'm willing to get into rn but we live #also the memory thing but my memory was bad before and after the fact #its taking so long to fix the potato pipes and i'm tired of manual potato delivery so i'm entering my Fuck the Potatoes era #like well kids i had a presentation prepared but the overhead's broken and i could make you do a worksheet instead #but why not let you just go play outside while the janitor and i fix the overhead. it's not fair the principle took away recess anyway.

[yardsards]

when characters have poofy messy but otherwise straight hair, i like to headcanon that their hair is actually naturally wavy/curly and they just don't know how to/don't care to take proper care of it. bc irl that is often the case (speaking from personal experience)

#eliot posts #*looks back at my younger self who didn't know their hair was wavy just thought it was Bad* #i was fuckin. walking around with hair poofed up like a mix between a founding father and a startled cat #and with a halo of frizz at all times #older relatives would call it nappy or ratty and suggest i cut it off or get a relaxer treatment done on it #(sidenote a bit ago i learned that apparently ''nappy'' is usually a racialized term tho i myself am white) #fascinating that they knew that straightening treatments would ''fix'' my hair but did not actually know my hair was wavy #i wore my hair real long back then too so it was constantly tangled lol #memories of being a kid and my dad having to basically corner me to brush my hair in the morning before school #my mother would bitch about my hair being too long when i was a kid and sometimes TRICK ME into getting it cut shoulder length #but then when i was an older teen and wanted it cut real short she FORBADE ME from going any shorter than a bob??? #so i just left it super long til i moved out and then chopped it all off and sold it to a wigmaker for a $300 profit lmao #now that it's short tho the wave pattern is very minimal #part bc of the way i style it part bc it's just a 2b wave pattern so you need a bit of length before the waves start getting really defined #anyway like. looks at catra and eda. let me get u some good conditioner and a wide toothed comb bby

[solradguy]

I need to watch more anime because it's a fun/easy way to improve at Japanese, but like 75% of shounen/shoujo anime doesn't appeal to me and the weird stuff I do like is usually only like 4-12 episodes or a single 3 hour movie. Agony forever 1000 years torment

#textpost #Kanopy got Katsuhiro Otomo's Memories anthology this month. Maybe I'll watch that again for the billionth time rofl #People recommend me anime a lot and then it's like 500 episodes or something and I just... #....I can't bring myself to care about something longer than like 42 episodes max.... How do people do it.... #Guilty Gear is an outlier. Nothing will ever check as many of my boxes as Guilty Gear does ever again as long as I live #I've watched JJBA up through part 5. It's pretty good but I liked Fist of the North Star just a tiny bit more #Only mentioning JJBA because it has a lot of overlap with GG in terms of inspiration haha

[literalite]

self-love time! talk about which ones of YOUR creations (edits, artworks, fanfics) you like the most then send to other creators to do the same 💜

HMMMM well i really liked these edits

and obviously these ones (1 2 3) but i couldn't really put it on here gfhjk

#i went back through my blog's edits in chrono order for this fhgjk #whats important to me anyways is that a lot of these i really couldn't have done alone- like in terms of advice or motivation or rendering #or even just the base idea. like idk c for community right #sorry for the long post :') this was just kind of nice going down memory lane pretty much #ask #reply #salemsimss #tysm for this ask!!

[fisheito]

i swear i've played a game like that

#replies #oh the many dating sims i've played.... the animal coded boys.......they get me every time #this just means that yes. i will play this plotline all over again but with eiden as the protag. #i want him going thru all the tropes then promptly subverting them #oh NO my animal ward turned into a HANDSOME MAN well you're just as much a pain in my butt as a human actually so no special treatment 4 u #I LEGITIMATELY DO NOT REMEMBER ANY OF THESE BOYS' PERSONALITIES #i was trying to excavate them from my long term memory like.... uhhhh #there's the tsun. the jerk. the sweet one who's not actually sweet half the time? the quiet. the baby?? #BRO I DON'T KNOOOOOOW #wait is there a reason they all wear hats? #is it to hide their animal ears? #how very retro-kuya of them #fun fact: this game destroyed my laptop #on my 1st playthru i got the ending with the side character dude who raises chickens #it caught me so off guard that i physically yelled WHAT and knocked over a glass a water #onto my laptop. #the last screen i saw on that laptop was Chicken Boy's avatar proposing marriage to MC #surrounded by green glitch bars and graphic errors (like dmmd noiz bad end) #screen went black and i just sat there in horror. #it may have been one of the stupidest things i've done. i laugh thinkin about it #zookeeper au #eiden #edmond #kuya #garu #quincy #yakumo

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

so a non-welcome home related ask and i'm sorry if you already answered this before, but what got you into dragons? i'm slowly stalking through your tumblr and i can't help but admire how beautifully and effortlessly you draw the scaley fuckers (/pos) ✨

i've actually never gotten this question, so this is a delight! allow me to Overshare about this

i became interested in dragons at an early age - like, kindergarten / 1st grade age. i don't remember exactly how it started, but i think it was my fascination with dinosaurs, oddly enough? i've loved those guys since some of my earliest memories. it wasn't a big leap from "giant 'lizards' from our past" to 'even bigger mythological 'lizards' from always". the Hobbit and the first Temeraire (im trying to get my hands on the full series now actually) were read to me at this young age too, and the only parts i remember are the big dragon scenes lmao

i do know the ball Really got rolling with the first How To Train Your Dragon movie, which i saw in theaters in 2nd grade. INSTANT obsession with dragons. i'll never forget how it felt to see Toothless for the first time. but in general, i couldn't get enough of em. i made my own dragon manual, i got the Dragonology books, it was the whole enchilada!

then in 5th grade, i stumbled upon the newly released Wings Of Fire: The Dragonet Prophecy book! immediately fell in love with it. and its what pushed me to start actively pursuing art! and also what pushed me into my first online space: ~Deviantart~. i saw all of the amazing art of my favorite dragons and wanted in on it. i can actually pinpoint the main person who's art i loved and found inspiration in: someone named Liighty! i don't remember their user, it's probably changed in the many years since. i loved their stuff and wanted nothing more than to be able to draw like them

long story short, i've been in love with dragons for the majority of my life. HTTYD and WOF have been my biggest inspirations and fuel to the fire, and my first delve into the internet pushed me to start drawing dragons (specifically wof) like my life depended on it. i haven't looked back since!

#and thank you <3 scribbling them does not feel effortless in the least <3 they fight me at every turn <3 #and it has taken me so so long to get where i am in terms of skill. i still have a long ways to go but my fucking god #also i do not Ever mind non-welcome home asks ahaha #this blog isnt technically a WH blog! thats just my main fixation at present #eventually ill chill the fuck out and go back to primarily posting dragons / original creations #eventually.... #not anytime soon given that The Update is soon and that'll just rev me the fuck up but yk yk #rambles from the bog #i should dig through all of my old sketchbooks for a trip down memory lane... #i still have my very first one. ive havent thrown a single one away #in fact i should have some of my first wof drawings somewhere round here.... #i like archiving my artistic journey #but yeah! httyd dragonology and wof! my historic big three! #i actually own every single one of the wof books (except for the latest) and they have their own shelf #my original copy of the first book is still there. in a plastic bag. bc its been loved to hell and back & half of it is falling off #and its not just books lmao i have so much dragon Stuff #trinkets and plushes and pictures (oh my!) #my room is Decked Out in em #theyre just so neat... #started from the bottom and now im here (so many worldbuilding documents and endless sketch pages. and brainrot)

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

Mmmmmm thinking about Nine the fox walking around with his two bodyguards (Alpha Grim Sonic and Chaos Sonic) again

The fox and his most devoted halberds who are also possessive bitches

No but like but like I need you to understand

Chaos Sonic who was originally revived to take Sonic's place, to fill the hole in a frienship Nine came to believe as fake, and yet clearly held onto so dearly. Chaos Sonic, who was supposed to be the same as before, except made to be Nine's devoted best friend who would never betray him.

Alpha Grim Sonic who Nine reportedly modeled after the hedgehog he (foolishly) thought of as a friend. A robot copy of Sonic who would not talk back, who would not think, who was only made to serve and protect Nine.

Chaos Sonic, whose time spent with Nine turned programmed allegiance and care into some form of love (obsession and possessiveness)

Alpha Grim Sonic, who was not supposed to think and feel. And yet, with time spent serving Nine and opposing Shadow, he begins to feel and to think (a budding soul forming within his metal frame and existing beyond his programming). A robot created to protect and serve, whose feelings for his creator and master begin to grow over time.

When did his internal drive shift from playing the role of Nine's best friend? When did he begin to resent Sonic for what he did to Nine? When did he begin to want to see Nine happy and safe and accomplished (rather than just simply alive and able to complete his goals)? When did he begin to crave Nine's attention and to make him stop thinking about Sonic?

Wasn't he programmed to be no more than an unfeeling robot, a set of algorithms designed to allow him to fight, protect, serve, and strategize only as needed? Why does he want to hurt Shadow so much (is it really just out of the drive to protect Nine, or is it to make the hedgehog pay?)? He'd follow Nine's orders to the ends of the earth, but why does he worry about Nine when they’re separated? Why has he started to covet Nine's smiles and bouts of happiness? Why does he feel annoyance when Nine converses with Chaos Sonic like he's also not there? Why is he starting to understand why Chaos Sonic resents Sonic, beyond the fact that Chaos Sonic has always fancied replacing him? Alpha Grim Sonic has never wanted to replace the real thing, never understood why Chaos Sonic would, but he's starting to understand jealousy (in the way one begins to feel things they cannot put words to).

Chaos Sonic would tell you it's because he and Nine are best friends. Alpha Grim Sonic would tell you that it's because Nine is his master. Yet, deep down, the two have begun to want to be useful and important to Nine. They want to protect him and see his goals through past any loyalty programming. It does not matter whether such an outcome was inevitable or not (based upon their programming or the holes Nine made them fill in his life), only that they believe that they'd choose this even if Nine tried to let them go.

And Nine... Nine who creates distance between himself and the two robots almost instinctively, as if he's trying not to grow attached (ironic, given the roles he placed the two in, the holes in his life he made them fill after he believed that Sonic had backstabbed him). And yet, just as much as he insists that Alpha Grim Sonic is cold and unfeeling and programmed to serve or that Chaos Sonic is just like that (given the personality programmed into him and his similarities to Sonic) and was programmed to follow orders, he finds himself beginning to value the two as more. He should see them as tools, he tries to think of them as tools. And, yet, over time, the two become irreplaceable agents of his will. He can’t allow himself to believe they really care about them, but he wants them to know that he likes having them around, that no other robot can fill the roles he programmed them for, and no real mobian could be as effective as them (even if it's embarrassing to admit). They become...a comforting presence, especially when he's stuck in the Grim post canon, practically alone, closed off from being able to see Sonic again

Do you get me do you get me?

#sonic prime #sonic the hedgehog #miles nine prower #nine sonic prime #nine the fox #chaos sonic #alpha grim sonic #chanine #nine x alpha Grim sonic #alpha grim sonic x nine #nine x grim sonic #grim sonic x nine #chaos sonic x nine #nine x chaos sonic #crystalbondshipping #crystalbond #For now that's my on the spot Alpha Grim Sonic/Nine ship name #i just be ramblin #Gaaaaah I'm just lowkey obsessed with these relationships that only exist in my head #What's more delicious is that none of these three really know much about love (and Nine and Chaos Sonic barely have a leg up in having some #sort of understanding of best friendship) #So all three of them just have complicated feelings regarding each other. All the robots know is that they want Nine to be happy and healthy #and safe‚ all Nine knows is that he doesn’t want to see them destroyed #‚ and while Nine is coming to terms with wanting those two at his side always‚ the other two know they just want to be beside Nine as long #as they live #And by god the ways Alpha Grim Sonic and Chaos Sonic mirror and foil each other gets me‚ even down to their design differences and the way #Chaos Sonic was intended to be like Sonic‚ while Alpha Grim was intended to be without personality and feeling #Or even just the way that Chaos Sonic and Alpha Grim resent and have a thing for fighting Sonic and Shadow respectively #But just as much as there's fun in Nine embracing his devoted robots (power thruple)‚ there's inherent tragedy in those two being unable to #escape or surpass Nine's memory and feeling for Sonic the Hedgehog

[rusquared]

bimonthly request to everyone struggling w energy/executive dysfunction/etc but wanting to create things: try origami. im so serious.

#'i hate my art style' -> HAH. there is no style in origami there r only fixed directions #'i struggle with long-term projects' -> a crane is super quick and easy to make and if u get pretty paper it looks like a decorative piece #'i dont want to think too much' -> after the initial cost of watching a tutorial the rest becomes muscle memory for certain designs #'it's too difficult' -> there are varying levels of complexity in designs online and u can easily find simple pieces that still look pretty #and lastly #people find little paper craft gifts adorable #and u get the dopamine hit of 'i made a thing' with a comparably low input cost #this is coming from the bitch who cant draw or write without nearly screaming from how much she hates her lack of skill #origami is accessible to my piece of shit meanie brain

[studentbyday]

y'know there are some things i think i've gotten over, but in (rather frequent) moments of insecurity, i realize i'm so not over them. the bite of their memory still frustrates me and makes me bitter and somehow, despite me having had *no control* over the outcome, makes me feel guilty and inadequate.

it's really stupid.

i'm hoping that writing this down will help me realize how ridiculous this is and that the fact that i did not get what i want and felt i deserved does not mean that i need to break myself even further to prove my worth.

guilt and feelings of inadequacy (and loneliness and dread and uncertainty/anxiety and anger and any other feeling that leaves me bitter) or a desire to prove myself worthy to others (which is smth i can't control) should not be my main motivator for getting ahead. my motivation should come from a place of gratitude for having the opportunity to do so. do it for the joy of expanding my brain, for the joy of a job well done, for the hope that doing something in line with my goals rather than nothing (since i clearly can't do everything) will change how i think and feel about myself for the better (no more depressive episodes! state changes!!!)

#it's not all or nothing #it's all or something #as my psych prof says #idk where i was going with this #it's kind of a mess going in several directions #study motivation #motivating myself #stem academia #rant #studyblr #stemblr #i'm talking about university scholarships btw #i worked my a** off in high school (aka burnt myself out every year 🥲) to get the best possible grades #and got nothing for it...at least in terms of monetary value #the knowledge and insight #and my memory of the joy in becoming a well rounded person stays with me (as long as i don't get dementia) #and that's really what's most important #so...in a way i guess i still win...? #words thrown at the wall #also something i can't control is whether i will feel less lonely once i have proven myself in however way i think will make me feel #less lonely (since the new situation would in theory give more opportunity for meaningful social interaction) #i'm talking about jobbing #and yes i knowww they say you shouldn't put all your social eggs into the 1 basket of your career #but it's kind of all i have right now irl...asides from my wonderful family who i'm so blessed to have #all my high school friendships have faded with time and distance and changes in our ideals/goals