[content warning: teen angst, angst over COVID 19, second person perspective, poorly written schlock.]
You feel like giving up. This journey, this story of yours, a part of you can’t seem to care if you even finish it. Every day, you hear more bad news mixed in with good news and it all comes in like a flood. Every day, there is always some new work, an overwhelming amount of work, they give you to do. More work, busy work which seems pointless and meaningless. Work which leaves you more twitchy and tired than satisfied when completed.
The type of work which you didn’t want to waste your time doing.
You were so determined when you started it too. You were so eager. Scared, yes. Nervous, definitely. But you thought you could handle it. You wanted to do it. You thought that you had to do it. You wanted to have it all under your control. But you never could keep your control over anything now, could you?
Eventually, you realise you could not keep up. Not like this. An environment so unstable and uncertain. Where you have to tie yourself down to a chair in order to focus, where you feel the need to hurt yourself even though you should not. You wish you were ill so you could stop doing this. And you disappoint yourself in the process. How pathetic, how you want to give up.
You look up to a concept. Or at least, you used to. Some ideal figure which you wanted to live up to. Which you wanted to be. Maybe even still want to be, but know you can not be. For a while, you wanted to do that ideal proud. You hoped that if you gritted your teeth, dug your heels into the ground, you could have lived up to the spirit of those ideals and icons and archetypes. And when things did not go exactly right, you feared the disappointment that would come because you could not live up to those ideals. You pushed yourself harder. In the process, you went deeper into apathy. How could you have let yourself become apathetic? Apathy kills your ideals.
Your apathy killed your ideals.
You learn what weakness is. And how it looks on you. And how tragically weak you are, if this is what it takes to harden your heart and make you apathetic. The ideal is losing its shine, simply because you are burning out. It was too easy to burn you out too. How shameful. How pathetic.
But you also remember that the ideal you look up to, that archetype, looks so strong on paper. It looks unbreakable, untouchable, on paper. But you also know the specific cases, the individuals who have embodied that ideal. And you know that they are only as strong as the people around them. It makes you feel a little better and a little worse at the same time. Though it makes you a little less ashamed at your weakness, you want some strength back. Because this hollowness, this sense of failure, is still a terrible thing. But you need to rely on others for that strength, others who can support you and help you up, and who you can support and help up.
Unfortunately, at the present, and despite everyone saying that we are in it together, you can not help but feel like you are very, very alone.