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#tw covid 19

This is just gonna be a thread of depressing, suicidal thoughts so someone remind me to delete this later

How ironic that I can save everyone else but, I can’t save myself

Funny how the only good reason to not kill myself right now is because my mom will be pissed that she had to take me to the hospital and risk getting covid 19 and if I live she’ll yell at me

The only thing I contribute to my friend groups is being a fucking therapist so it’d be pretty fucking easy for them to go on without me

If only you cared for me like I cared about you, maybe I’d want to live

I knew, I fucking knew, I could tell that I was going to have a mood drop and be depressed as shit and want to self harm and so I cut my nails and I fucking regret it so much. I should’ve left them long

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Got sent home from work 3 ½ hours early today and now have to be tested for COVID-19. My life has been such a blast these last few months 🙄 Not including today, I’m off for at least 3-5 days after getting tested. If I test positive (fingers crossed I don’t), I have to stay home for another 10-14 days 🙃

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:( I’m sorry anon. My grandma is really stubborn so now matter what I say we’re probably going anyway,,

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Day 1 (the return)

Hello, yes, I’m back from my first day at work after a 2 month quarantine. It was heckin’ weird to be there.

The pets are displeased.

Dog left me a lovely “present” right at the front door!

The cat was angry and left the room when I said hello to him, came to see me half an hour later, tried to give me a bath, and is now stretched out in my lap holding me hostage.

So we’re basically back to normal.

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I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE ARE THIS STUPID.

STAY HOME. WEAR A MASK. THE VIRUS IS NOT OVER JUST BECAUSE IT’S SUMMER AND YOU WANT TO GO OUT.

I SAW SO MANY PEOPLEMY AGE AND YOUNGER HANGING OUT THIS WEEKEND. WHY THE HELL?

THESE WARNINGS OF SPIKES ARE FOR THE IDIOTS WHO ARE TOO DENSE TO REALIZE THAT IT CAN AND WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

“It’s just enough already.”

“We need to get back out there.”

“We need our lives back.”

NO. NO NO NO FUCKING NO.

NO BUSTING DOWN DOORS, NO DEMANDING RESTAURANTS AND STORES OPEN BACK UP JUST BECAUSE. STAY HOME.

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THIS IS THE COVER OF THE NEW YORK TIMES ON SUNDAY. THESE ARE THE NAMES OF PEOPLE IN THE U.S. WHO HAVE DIED FROM THE VIRUS. WE HAVE REACHED 100,00.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU THINK THAT’S OK.

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A summary of my life the last couple/few months-

  • Covid-19… Quarantine.
  • Living with someone who’s high risk
  • My grandmother’s health just keeps getting worse
  • Mom’s cancer came back, her appointments and surgeries have been pushed back multiple times. She’s had one in a series of 3 and has not been doing well. She also moved in.
  • Started back at work and things are literally insane. Being “essential” isn’t worth a temporary boost in pay, tbh. I’m lucky to have a job though
  • Mental health was on a steady decline.
  • Other family issues
  • I’m the oldest child/grandchild so generally, a lot of responsibility falls on me
  • Working on self transformation, figuring life out a little more
  • Taking time to myself and to rest
  • Rediscovering the things I love
  • Spending more time away from technology

While a lot of bad has happened, there’s been a lot of good in all of it. My biggest issue with myself is how flaky I am to the people I love. Because relationships are important to me but when I’m going through things I just draw inward. I’m working on it. Sorry for the extra long post and getting real transparent but it’s been a wild ride y'all 🏄🏼‍♀️

We’re still here though.

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watching people i know irl hang out with friends and extended family members, heading out to parks to go drink and eat because the weather is nice. all whilst my dad has to prepare himself that the life changing operation he’s having next week has risen from a 1% death rate to a 20% death rate, because of people spreading the virus. it’s gotten to the point where i just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs because these people just really do not listen. you don’t need to see your aunts and uncles this weekend. you don’t need to have a picnic in the park because it’s hot outside. what these people need to do is stop being so damn selfish all the time because every day i see shit like that it’s like my anxiety just doubles, thinking not only about my dad but everyone else who’s in danger. it makes me think of the nhs who are already under enough strain as it is. why people are this ignorant, still, after everything, i do not know. just stay the fuck indoors, for fucks sake.

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[content warning: teen angst, angst over COVID 19, second person perspective, poorly written schlock.]

You feel like giving up. This journey, this story of yours, a part of you can’t seem to care if you even finish it. Every day, you hear more bad news mixed in with good news and it all comes in like a flood. Every day, there is always some new work, an overwhelming amount of work, they give you to do. More work, busy work which seems pointless and meaningless. Work which leaves you more twitchy and tired than satisfied when completed. 

The type of work which you didn’t want to waste your time doing. 

You were so determined when you started it too. You were so eager. Scared, yes. Nervous, definitely. But you thought you could handle it. You wanted to do it. You thought that you had to do it. You wanted to have it all under your control. But you never could keep your control over anything now, could you?

Eventually, you realise you could not keep up. Not like this. An environment so unstable and uncertain. Where you have to tie yourself down to a chair in order to focus, where you feel the need to hurt yourself even though you should not. You wish you were ill so you could stop doing this. And you disappoint yourself in the process. How pathetic, how you want to give up.

You look up to a concept. Or at least, you used to. Some ideal figure which you wanted to live up to. Which you wanted to be. Maybe even still want to be, but know you can not be. For a while, you wanted to do that ideal proud. You hoped that if you gritted your teeth, dug your heels into the ground, you could have lived up to the spirit of those ideals and icons and archetypes. And when things did not go exactly right, you feared the disappointment that would come because you could not live up to those ideals. You pushed yourself harder. In the process, you went deeper into apathy. How could you have let yourself become apathetic? Apathy kills your ideals.

Your apathy killed your ideals.

You learn what weakness is. And how it looks on you. And how tragically weak you are, if this is what it takes to harden your heart and make you apathetic. The ideal is losing its shine, simply because you are burning out. It was too easy to burn you out too. How shameful. How pathetic.

But you also remember that the ideal you look up to, that archetype, looks so strong on paper. It looks unbreakable, untouchable, on paper. But you also know the specific cases, the individuals who have embodied that ideal. And you know that they are only as strong as the people around them. It makes you feel a little better and a little worse at the same time. Though it makes you a little less ashamed at your weakness, you want some strength back. Because this hollowness, this sense of failure, is still a terrible thing. But you need to rely on others for that strength, others who can support you and help you up, and who you can support and help up. 

Unfortunately, at the present, and despite everyone saying that we are in it together, you can not help but feel like you are very, very alone.

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Wait wait wait wait wait. Before covid showed up, I was going to finally go back to my LGBTQ+ support group as I had been very busy otherwise, I was going to start a new D&D campaign, I was going to play a new D&D campaign, and one of my friends was going to take me to this nice Indian place because he was offended I had never had Indian food.

Fuck covid I could have been doing this stuff.

But also thank you because now I have some of the most amazing friends/kids that I could ever ask for, and I never would have shown my grandma the MCR reunion, and I would have always felt like there was something wrong with me and my body, and I would have never had made the memories I have today.

Actually still fuck covid and indirect thank you quarantine. Be safe, quarantine is important. Don’t just go everywhere because your dumbass state decided to go to stage 3 of reopening after the largest spike in covoid cases 2 weeks after stage 2 which aligns with symptoms of covoid *cough cough* Idaho *cough cough*

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I fucking hate living in a pandemic. I fucking hate having to live through this instead of observing it in ten years. I fucking hate how preventable it was. I fucking hate how we could’ve done something. I fucking hate how nearly 100,000 people are dead just in the states. I fucking hate how that’s 33 times more deadly than polio was in just a few months. I fucking hate how it’s being brushed to the side like nothings happened. I fucking hate how negligent the government is. I fucking hate how people are up in literal arms over a life and death situation when they’re not the ones dying in prisons, when they’re not dying because they’re people of color, when they’re not dying because they can’t afford healthcare, when they’re not dying because they can get tested, when they’re not dying because they can work from home. I’m so fucking tired of this shit. I’m so fucking tired. I’m terrified that I’ll be directly affected, more so that nothing will change after this.

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ye I don’t think they even closed down public transport here at all lmao (I mean kinda good since people have work and whatnot) but it’s so scary to think people are just going back to living life normally, like this weekend I saw people throw parties and stuff?? It’s just?? So irresponsible and dangerous?? And for what? we’re risking actual humans lives, Jesus, people could use some perspective

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yes I get that…I spent the weekend in the city (frankfurt) I go to Uni in (I’ve been spending quarantine with my parents) and it seems like everyone there is completely ignoring the pandemic happening and it’s so scary how people are just going about their daily life like normal??

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                    self-quarantine questionnaire !

are you staying home from work/school.   yeah - right before everything happened was when my store closed, and when everything started going on, it’s made it virtually impossible to get another job, so i’ve pretty much been a homebody.

if you are staying home, who is with you.   i’ve been bouncing between my home (my two younger brothers and my parents who are both essential workers) and my best friend’s place. her partner has some serious health issues going on so i’ve been keeping her company since i’ll likely be moving in with her sometime soon.

who would be your ideal quarantine mate.   i mean ideally i like to chill alone with my cat sitting on my feet while i play switch and watch kitchen nightmares. if we’re talking fantasy wise in a perfect situation, i’d love to be q’d with the gru.mps playing crappy video games but it is what it is lmao

are you a homebody.   kinda yeah. before everything, if i wasn’t working or at home, i’d hang out here and there with some of my nearby friends, but my comfort level is WAY better when it comes to being in my room with my weighted blanket

an event you were looking forward to that got cancelled.   i was in rehearsals for a production of heathers, and we cancelled in early march if i remember correctly. my company had to cancel a lot of upcoming things out of safety, especially since, at that point, we had a few cast members that were going to be taking short vacations out of the country. if it hadn’t been cancelled, we’d have just finished the production last week or so. :/

what movies have you watched recently.   i recently got a subscription to shudder, so i’ve actually been taking in a lot of horror-related documentaries. my FAVORITE by far is never sleep again, which is about the history of the nightmare on elm street series.

what shows are you watching.   i’m slowly chipping away at my rewatch of csi, since i never finished it. i’ve completed 7 seasons out of 15, so i’m getting there!

what music are you listening to.   i tend to favor a couple playlists just to keep my head busy. usually it’s my playlist for torrance, or the throwback playlist @whatscanon​ made. i also have a couple character playlists that i rotate to shake things up, but i’ve been listening to a LOT of dua lipa lately, since her new album slaps.

what are you doing for self-care.   a lot of napping and tv watching and playing animal crossing and binding of isaac. and then more napping and snugging my cats, and playing mario party with my brothers. i’ve also been able to start therapy sessions via zoom, so that’s been nice!

what are you reading.   i finally read some of my junji ito hardcover manga of tomie and uzumaki, and i started reading my best friend’s exorcism, which i’ve been enjoying so far! i really like reading, so i wanna keep on it!

TAGGED BY :   i stole it from @whatscanon​ who’s surprised

TAGGING :   steal it from me. keep the cycle of thievery going.

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