#used to tolerate it a lot more but I’ve gotten super sound sensitive as of late. not sure why

[living-with-pmd]

11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.  

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

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"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

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"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

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"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

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"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

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"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/

#premenstrual dysphoric disorder #PMDD #pmdd awareness #living with pmdd #actually pmdd #mental health awareness #mental health #women's health #pms #premenstrual syndrome #afab problems

[thistangledbrain]

Ok y’all, I’m sorry I’m having to catch up! We got a new foster in a few days ago - a particularly broken soul - and my mind has been *entirely* on him. But he’s settling in a little now, so here’s the last 3 days in one post ☺️

Autism Acceptance Month

Day 10!

“Sensory Life”

This is sort of hard to describe, but I’ll try! This is different from the next entry about stims, though both are sensory related.

It’s like being on microdosed ‘shrooms *all the time*. If you don’t know what that’s like, I’ll try to describe (this is collaborated with a friend who regularly does this - I don’t...it would probably be far too overwhelming).

Colors are far sharper to me & I emotionally react to them far more than most people. That results in some colors being genuinely offensive - not just “I don’t like that color”, but it will make me intensely angry or physically sick. This makes me curious about chromotherapy, but I haven’t really looked into it that much. My tolerance of certain colors can ebb and flow depending on my emotional state/mindset. (This crap is so sharp, I’m actually getting a twinge of irritation just *thinking* about my most hated colors LOL 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Textures/skin sensations are another big one. (By now you may be asking, how TF did this chick manage Marine Corps training/exercises?!) I guess if you want something bad enough, you can shut down some of the overwhelming aspects of the sensory thing...this ability to disassociate probably isn’t what NT’s would call “healthy”, but it’s quite handy if you’re autistic, and those of us who have been through real trauma seem to be especially skilled with our ability to just shut off all circuits and “embrace the suck”). Like...I’ll nearly panic to get out of a store or something if my underwear starts feeling uncomfortable, but I’ve literally been soaked head to toe, covered in mud and sand in my *everywhere* (and I HATE SAND anywhere but on my feet) AND I pissed myself, because nobody’s gonna stop shooting/training just because you have to go potty 🙄), and I remember literally giving zero fucks about it...so it really is entirely a mindset thing. But let’s talk about when I’m NOT in “Marine mode” (cuz let’s face it, it’s been close to two decades since I got out, and I no longer HAVE to tolerate overwhelming sensations).

Sensory input is just basically dialed to 11 & the knob’s been snapped off. Bright lights, loud discordant noises, too much touching/not touching the right way, things like that. I am particularly sensitive about body hair (my own). I *strongly* prefer to have my head shaved on the back and sides (but I leave the top long). The only time I haven’t done this, was in the Marines (it was considered “eccentric” and not allowed, so they made me grow it out). Even though I leave the main part long, it’s *always* in a bun or ponytail - well, unless I’m super dressed up for something, but even then I prefer some sort of updo. Despite the fact that I like my long hair (well on the top anyway), I can’t *stand* the way it feels on my neck or especially my face - I HATE IT when my hair touches my face. If I wasn’t married...there’s a decent chance I’d just shave it all off and be done with it LOL 😆 My ponytail pulled through the back of a baseball hat is I guess what they’d call my “signature look”.

And you think NT’s have bad misophonia? *I’ve jumped out of a moving vehicle before* to get away from the noise of someone chewing loudly/smacking their lips in the back seat (he was a coworker and punching him in the mouth - which is what I DESPERATELY wanted to do - would have gotten me fired 😕)...but humans eating, or dogs licking their junk, makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s mostly humans though....you have *no idea* the level of self discipline it takes to keep me from either rage crying or actually getting violent around someone smacking their mouth during a meal. I *cannot* be around my husband when he’s eating breakfast cereal even though he’s a very mannered eater - I don’t know why, but it’s *so loud* (and I’m terribly hard of hearing) - it sounds like he’s chewing rocks. It took us years to work this problem out LOL - he thought it was dumb that I had such a deeply emotional reaction. Then he tried to “chew quietly”, which all that did was slow down the rock tumbler inside his mouth 😂...gradually, for everyone’s sanity, we realized that cereal eating should not be done in close proximity to each other lololol....and now, when it’s time for family meals around the table, I’ve learned to either keep the range hood fan going (white noise is definitely my friend), or have the TV on. If it’s just mainly the sound of everyone chewing, I simply won’t eat at the table. I lose my appetite. (And all of my dinner guests/family are very polite diners. It’s MY hangup.) Phone calls are another big one. I could probably come up with several reasons why I hate it...I LOATHE it. This is one sensory hangup some people in my family just refuse to accept. I don’t think they realize I equate unexpected or immediately demanded phone calls to running naked though a mall or getting a root canal. Hissssssssss!! Give me some time to prepare myself for this shit please - you’re actually asking a *lot* from me. (And when I do have a call? Ugh I babble and am so awkward, because I’m so effing uncomfortable, which I also hate.)

But here’s an area where my “sensory overload” serves me very well:

Dogs.

I am usually *intensely* dialed into the energy and body language of an animal, but particularly dogs. I’m *so* sensitive to them, that I often actually can feel things even happening behind my back - can basically sense the energy in the area shift. (Roughly 75% of the time. I’m spacey sometimes too LOL.) The work I do with “behaviorally challenged” dogs is the biggest area where I am *grateful* for my autistic mind. I don’t think I could really do the things I do without it, successfully. (I can do this to a large degree with people as well, as can my youngest son. You cannot lie to that boy about your feelings or mood.)

We all have different levels of sensory sensitivity and different triggers, but every autistic I know has several “sensory hangups”. It often is one of our biggest hurdles to deal with, when it comes to “normal functioning”. So, many of us constantly have headphones (or muffs) on, some of us wear sunglasses *all the time*, etc (I wear a baseball hat - and I genuinely don’t like going anywhere where I have to get dressed up and can’t wear my hat. Been like that since my early teens. That hat shields me from all sorts of real and imagined sensory triggers.) You do what you can to mitigate, you know? But my “microdosing shrooms” and “knob dialed to 11 and snapped off” is really the best way I can summarize. (And that’s not all bad - my trips into a new natural space, like the redwoods, is an absolute *thrill*. I also occasionally love sensory overload - many auties do - like rollercoasters. My youngest son and I can ride till we pass out LOL!) So sensory life is love/hate, really....but I don’t think I’d change much about it.

Except the fucking misophonia. I hate that I go into almost a murderous rage over someone just chewing food loudly 🤦🏻‍♀️ - but seriously. It’s impolite anyway. Don’t do it. 😆

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Day 11!

Stims

This is one of the biggest areas where neurotypicals struggle to understand us.

We all have stims. Stims are basically any stimulus that brings us joy or comfort. It could be rocking, flapping, walking in tight little circles, clicking your fingernails together, spinning, making weird sounds or whistling, etc. And it’s usually repetitive - that’s the part that gets on people’s nerves.

I’ve found that most *women* hide most of our stims. We only let go and stim our little hearts out when we’re alone. I do that, because some of my stims grate on my husband. Sometimes I don’t WANT to feel “watched” anyway...I’ve noticed males don’t have quite the same issue with that.

I have quiet stims I do to soothe myself, and happy stims. One of my quieter stims when I’m trying to soothe myself (like in public) is clicking my teeth, particularly my right canines. I also have this silicone bite stick I wear around my neck sometimes, that I chew on (my sons like the bite sticks as well). I carry a little bag of fidget toys in my purse, to soothe myself with when I’m stressed. There’s a thing sort of like a fidget cube, a little cowrie shell and twine bracelet that I fiddle with almost like a rosary, a small stuffed axolotyl (her name is Blossom), and a few other toys. My little stash also comes in damn handy when I encounter a bored child LOL!

One of my sons makes funny little sound effects randomly (and he’s grown & still does it). The other used to randomly shriek when he was younger - then he learned how to whistle, so he couldn’t say a whole sentence without punctuating it with little whistles (we actually thought it was adorable).

My favorite stim is putting my headphones on, putting on some favorite music, sitting with my legs crossed, closing my eyes, and rocking. I’m happy to TELL you about this stim, but it’s one I do alone, because I like to get completely lost in it and I can’t do that if I feel I’m being watched...and you’ll damn near give me a heart attack if you touch me while I’m lost in that world. (And boy does it irritate me to get yanked out of that before I’m ready, for some bullshit non emergency reason.) Better to just isolate myself (except my dogs are always with me). Another one I do alone - and I have no idea why i like it so much - is squeaking my bite stick across my teeth. (This one is weird to me because I usually HATE my teeth being touched...yes dentists are a problem.) This one I enjoy doing kind of mindlessly while I read, but damn would it irritate anyone in listening distance LOL...I mean, it would irritate the shit out of ME if someone else was doing it, because *other people’s* repetition, especially if it makes noise, gets on my damned nerves. 🙄 Figures lmao!

Stims can be damaging sometimes, though. Like I used to twist and twirl my hair when I was younger so much that the areas I usually grabbed were frayed and broken (I also chewed my hair sometimes). One stim I cannot break myself of even though sometimes it’ll make me bleed, is chewing the insides of my cheeks or my lips. That’s my most frequent (several times a day) one, and the one that is both gratifying *and* soothing. It’s also the one that’s hardest to suppress.

Some auties are either unaware or literally don’t care how you feel about their stims, but I am and do. I’d like to think I’m pretty “appropriate” *most* of the time with my stims and other people around, except the lip/cheek chewing. If my husband notices I’ve gotten pretty furious about it (even using my hand to push my cheek into optimal biting position), he’ll gently put his hands on mine to bring me back to awareness - if I’m gnawing away, I’m either super stressed or way lost in thought. Either way, I can accidentally hurt myself, so he gently guides me away/distracts me.

Stimming is an important part of Autie life and should not be discouraged unless it hurts Your Pet Autie ™️.

And if you’re looking for a neat gift for an Autie? They actually make stim toy packs. Get them one, they’re fun. ☺️ (Most stim toys are designed to withstand being put in mouths and bitten/chewed, too - LOTS of us have oral fixations.) And hey, even if you’re a NT, try stimming sometime (lots of normal people have stims, they just don’t realize that’s what they are - like nail biting. Bite your nails a lot? Get a bite stick!! God they’re so satisfying!)....

Happy stimming!

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Day 12!

“Favorite Autism Charity”

This one is short and easy: ASAN. Autism Self Advocacy Network.

“The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is a nonprofit organization run by and for individuals with autism. According to its mission statement, the Network’s goal is ‘to empower autistic people across the world to take control of our own lives and the future of our common community, and seek to organize the autistic community to ensure our voices are heard in the national conversation about us.’”

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Day 13!

“Family”

Well that’s kinda ambiguous, isn’t it? 😒

I’ll start with this tack:

Being an autistic mom with autistic kids.

I mean for years, none of us KNEW LOL - and maybe that’s what took me so long to get around to pursuing a formal diagnosis for my youngest. To me, for the longest time, he was just sensitive and different like me (same with my oldest, for the most part, but I’m pretty sure that was me buying into the “brilliant people are just fucking weird ok” mindset also), yannow? So it was like, “well mama always told me I’d have one like me & then know what I put her through” 🙄 My oldest got lumped into the “all bright kids are quirky” category - but as I learned about ASD through my youngest and myself, it became damn obvious the oldest was also in our camp. (He’s taken the prelim test now anyway, but is not formally diagnosed.) I genuinely believe that our “shared weirdness” binds us very tightly to each other - and I’m super pleased about that.

It brought a whole new level of understanding and awareness within our little family when we realized it was ASD I guess - and acceptance. (I 100% believe that diagnosis - or even affirmation - is critical to our self acceptance and understanding.) I wouldn’t trade my little family for anything, and consider myself remarkably blessed. I can talk about how complex and brilliant my boys are ALL day (and often do LOL). Hubby is neurodivergent, and can identify with (or at least sympathize with) MANY of our hangups....but he’s “normal” enough that he’s been able to guide us (mostly me) with things like how to use tact (not often a skill we naturally possess lmao). My heart breaks when I read posts by auties whose families either don’t understand or don’t accept them & are constantly trying to basically mute who they are. Auties “live out loud”, and some people find that off putting. I know growing up, I was constantly getting my ass chewed for being “dramatic” or too sensitive, too, so I shut down and hid my sensitivity far, far away. I’m only *lately* (last few years) discarding that silly tough girl mask. (I can still be quite the little wolverine at times, but I’m not afraid to show my soft sensitive actual self anymore...to stay soft in today’s fucked up world takes actual courage - a lot of it - and strength. I was looking at the concept of being “strong” entirely the wrong way.)

I swear my husband has lived with nearly as many phases and facets, as years we’ve been together. Sometimes I ask him if this ever bothers him. He says no, because who I am at my core never changes...and he grins and says “and you damn sure aren’t boring” 😂

But since I’ve known I’m autistic, I’ve given myself more freedom to discover who I am without these socially dictated parameters. And permission to be precisely who I am, without cringing apologies when the real me shines through awkwardly.

And my husband and boys have been there every step of the way, embracing me, as we do with them. ♥️

Yeah. I love my family. We’re some pretty cool people. 😁

[anarkhebringer]

hi i'm back, can i get some more modern felix stuff please? just anything you can think of would be perfect!

Hiiiii nonny, welcome back~~~

But anyway yee, you may have a lot of random modern Felix stuffs. I’m always happy to deliver. I’m gonna try to not make it too long, but it’s already a mile long now by the time I’ve made most of the main points so I might as well just roll with it a bit. This is definitely gonna be a very long read.

Living with his aunt for the number of years he has eventually led him to developing an occasional southern drawl when he speaks, since his aunt has one. It’s a very rare thing though, and almost never happens. When it does though, he HATES IT.

The influences on his speaking from his aunt mostly shows in his wording of things, since sometimes when he gets spirited about something he says “y’all” and such all the time. One time when Sylvain was just being Sylvain, and neither Felix nor Ashe could calm him, Felix just muttered “y’all’re gonna bleed me dry someday…” Sylvain and Ashe thought it was the cutest fuckin’ thing, and Sylvain calmed down after that. Neither mentioned the drawl though since they quickly learned from hearing stories that Felix will get really pissed if you tease him about it or even mention it too much for his tastes. Which is just mentioning it at all.

He’s not easily scared at all, but just walking past him wrong can make him jolt from being startled sometimes. That’s something from his traumas that’s finally starting to come to the forefront that couldn’t before, since he could suppress everything that hindered his progress in combat, but he can’t do that anymore.

He’s gotten to be a person who can really enjoy his leisure due to his really deep dive into depression that happened after he got his ability to be in combat taken away from him. He and Linhardt could have had a competition to see who can fall asleep while standing up and stay standing the longest. He has medication that helps keep him awake enough to not be able to do that anymore though, but he has really bad insomnia now as a result of his completely chaotic and inconsistent sleeping schedule. His stress wrinkles in the inner corners of his eyes are completely covered by the dark circles under them now that really shows his wear and exhaustion.

He won’t at all complain if he’s given a task to do by someone that isn’t in his household, and it’ll keep his mind active and keep his mood in a positive place if he isn’t overworked. He does get drained way easier now though if what he’s asked to do involves socializing or interacting with anyone in any way too much.

When he’s drained socially, he becomes very aggressive and unstable. He’ll get like he used to be and completely isolate, and lash out if you interrupt what he’s doing and you don’t want to actively participate. He’d still get mad that you interrupted him though, and he probably won’t let you participate unless you’re among a certain handful of people.

Ashe and Claude are the only two people who don’t mentally drain him whatsoever, and he could see them literally every day if they wanted to do that. Ashe because Felix cares for him so much, and Claude because they’re so similar. He and Claude don’t drain each other because they can go literal months without speaking, then pick up on what they left off on like they only stopped talking for a day or two. Same with Ashe, though Felix becomes slightly noticeably more down and sad when he doesn’t see Ashe for too long a timespan.

He has a secret love of cuddling, and also hides his full support of platonic PDA, cuddling, and even kisses and such if there’s enough mutual trust between the ones involved. He’s very touch-averse and sensitive to others touching him, so he only really lets Ashe, Claude, and Sylvain touch him to show affection. Only Ashe can do much, and he only really tolerates Sylvain’s occasional one-armed hugs or quick pats on the shoulder as he walks by. Ashe however can hug him (after making his desires to do so known of course), hold his arms, and even his hands, since Ashe is the kind to show affection by physical means whenever he’s allowed to do so. They even cuddle at night when Ashe stays overnight at his apartment.

He actually lets Sylvain cuddle with him too when Sylvain really needs the affection during hard times, though he never returns it unless he does so while he’s asleep. It’s become a comforting thing to wake up to, feeling the warmth of Sylvain against him and his arms wrapped around Felix’s frame, even though Felix didn’t really want it to become that. At first, anyway.

His depressive rut wasn’t all bad in some cases, and because of the isolation he went into, he’s become extremely artistic and tech savvy since he didn’t have much to do to occupy himself. Being extremely brainy as is really helped him get going with these things.

He’s also learned to hack and code on the computer from that rut too, and he could get you into anything you wanted him to. He knows all sorts of ways to hide himself under all sorts of circumstances, and clear his tracks if he’s found, so he could actually be extremely dangerous if he were to use this knowledge and skill for anything shady. The most he uses it for is to make modifications to games and explore the Dark Web as anonymously as possible when his morbid curiosities get the best of him, though.

Well, there have been times where he’s used his skills to scare people. There have been times where people have threatened his friends (namely Claude and Ashe), and to scare the bullies off, he hid himself and hacked into their devices to make text documents warning them to stay away or else there would be trouble, because they’re always being watched. That always managed to scare them off on the first try, and he’s never done anything more than that, because there was no need.

He’s super protective of what few friends he has. He’d willingly put himself in danger for them all the time, unless of course they got themselves into the mess they’re in and he feels they don’t really deserve to be helped out of a situation that’ll be them learning their lesson. Otherwise, he’s borderline obsessed with his friends’ safety and happiness. It’s hard to really see that outside of sudden outbursts from him, since he’s so averse to socialization and unable to understand/express emotions well, but if he’s really needed and he can mentally handle it, you’d best believe he’d be completely focused on doing whatever he could do to help a friend in need for as long as they needed him.

Stuff like this has his friends really knowing who he is eventually, and he doesn’t like that. He’s actually really nice, but his way of showing it isn’t exactly common. Onlookers would think he’s just indifferent unless he’s feeling particularly chipper and/or manic, but his friends get to be on the receiving end of conversation and see him do more personal things compared to others, so they know he’s far nicer than even he thinks he is. He’s become oddly patient compared to his old self, and can hold a conversation for a while longer than he used to. If you get him talking about certain topics, though, you could manage to talk with him for literal hours on end.

He’s overall pretty chill now. Depression has taken the constant explosive anger out of him. He’s still always angry and bitter to some degree, but not to the point of lashing out at every little thing that upsets him. He’s still just as blunt as he was before, but he’s become a lot more passive-aggressive and/or condescending when it shows, instead of sudden outbursts and hurling insults around at all turns. And to those who have received both from him, the current version of his aggression hurts them a lot more, since he shows so little emotion during the times he throws something out to hurt them. All they see is (sometimes) in his body language, and the bitter fogginess in those eyes from how empty he’s become. Even his tone has changed. He’s not as aggressive sounding unless he’s more angry than usual, but he’s got a bitter tone. Or worse, he sounds almost monotone, like he feels absolutely nothing. If he’s got the tone of voice he used to have before, know that he’s on the verge of snapping and lashing out, and that goes from angry sounding to yelling at any time. And he yells loud.

He tends to cry a bit more than he used to now, since he gets overstimulated really easily. He can hold it in around other people most of the time unless it’s particularly overwhelming and getting even worse. It sometimes reminds Sylvain of when they were kids, but then he feels bad thinking of it like that since Felix has more going on in his head than he did back then. He’s trying to work on stopping that association, and he’s starting to get better at not thinking of Felix when he was a kid when he cries.

He used to parade around talking about how he wasn’t one to laugh and joke, but nowadays he’s not like that anymore. He still won’t joke often, and jokes go right over his head and he doesn’t get it and may ruin it usually, but he lets himself laugh at things he finds funny. Not around other people, though. Unless it’s from something else he finds funny, like a YouTube video. His laugh is like an odd mix between Vinny from Vinesauce, Bluesdank, and FPS Diesel. He’s the rare kind of person that’ll laugh in 10 different ways in one sitting and them all be real laughter. The sound of his laughter isn’t too consistent at times.

There’s another reason he can’t do much anymore aside from his depression, and that’s because a year or so ago he had a fit of smaller seizures that shocked his system really bad because of how long it lasted. After that, his mental regression that was already happening because of what he has has gotten much faster in its progression.

Despite these new growing limits he has, he’s still doing his best to keep going and existing on doing what he can do with what he has, and he’s shifted from being solely focused on a person’s skills in battle to how much heart they have due to it. He won’t care about combat skills anymore if you aim to impress him, he cares more about what you bring to the table. Your skills with a sword don’t show what you put your heart into in life and what you do for yourself and others. If you wanna impress him, give him a gift from the heart, not anything store bought. Do something nice for someone. Draw him a picture, write him a letter, pick him some flowers you think he’d like. Maybe take him to the park? Talk to him about your interests, voice your opinions on what you enjoy. Something that you can put your heart into, and I can’t stress it enough. He cares about a person’s core more than their fighting prowess now. He’s sworn off of focusing so much on fighting forever since he got the ability to do so himself taken form him, and he refuses to still dwell on it with others, too.

Alright, that’s gonna be where I cut it off for now. Hopefully that was a good read. I’ve made Felix go through some shit in this AU, but hey, he’s one of the characters I picked to put a theme of healing and strength onto, so I gotta give him some lore to get him to the point of being so different now. Plus a softer Felix makes me warm inside, so I wanted to incorporate that in, too.

#asks #anonymous #long post #Fire Emblem AU #FE Modern AU #Fire Emblem Three Houses #Felix Hugo Fraldarius #FE3H Felix #AU info #AU headcanon

[icybeanheadcanons]

What would generic headcanons be for the Grillby of each AU? He's usually a close second for side character that gets asked about a lot, so this will hopefully help you feel out each one 💖 (I'll probably send one in tomorrow or something about the Gasters as well ^~^ Figured this would give you a thing to work on in spare time if your inbox empties again) ~

So for the skellies I had worked on them from undertale and down the list okay… Well for the Grillbys… I worked from Horrortale up to Undertale. It just worked and it was a wild experience honestly. These are long so I’m putting them under the cut so the post doesn’t look fucking ridiculous.

Undertale

Solemnby

-he’s pretty professional at work

-runs a bar still. Took a while to open BUT DAMN IT HE DID IT.

-he’s a decent height in human standards. He’s 5’11. It’s weird having people taller than him, even if he’s not the tallest around it’s still surreal.

-god damn it Classy Bean. The only reason he likes puns is because of this skeleton.

-a great listener.

-gives some pretty solid advice.

-bit of a smartass. “Man I’m tired.” “Maybe you shouldn’t stay up all night then.” “stop talking shit carl.”

-Classy Bean calls him carl time to time to annoy him. It works.

-his bar is relatively chill. Not a lot of people, and it doesn’t attract a whole lot of shady characters. Weirdos seem to be common though.

-He actually loves the liveliness of his bar. It’s perfect and he’s a proud smol business owner.

-He hires someone to do the dishes because that’s a thing he needs done. Besides that he runs it mostly himself.

-a hard worker, gets a little irritate with people who slack off but he isn’t one to snap at you for it. He just doesn’t get not giving your all.

-sarcasm. “I’m going to flip a table!” “Yes because that’ll solve all your problems.”

-He isn’t as quiet as you think and often will give a snarky comment like i’ve mentioned above.

-classical music is nice, and he often listens to it in his free time.

-mom friend who will talk sense into you.

-He says a lot of weird shit when he’s tired though like he suddenly becomes a shitpost generator.

-he’s got an average control of his heat he releases. It tends to heat up when he’s angry and flustered, and it takes a lot of discipline to control.

-don’t worry he’s not gonna burn you but if he starts heating up your skin is gonna turn pretty red.

-a pretty organized dude. Everything has a place. He doesn’t care about a mess, but he generally doesn’t make a whole lot of one before he’s cleaning again.

 Underfell

Jerkby

-kind of a dick god.

-big ego. Undeserved. There is no reason for him to be this god dam cocky what the hell.

-His friendship with Red Boy is weird. It’s that one where you insult each other without meaning it. “Stop fucking drinking all the fucking mustard you freak.” “Not till you stop getting freaky with everyone that comes into this bar Jerkby.” at the end of the day they’re there for each other.

-he does sleep around a lot. Mostly one-night stands. He’d date but he hasn’t found anyone he’s really interested in that way. He’s a jerk but he’s not going to fake being interested in someone romantically god.

-Oh goodness me toll. 8 feet tall. Big fire man. Depending on how sensitive you are about your height he’s going to tease you. Are you an adorable mad or do you look like you have rabies mad?

-can he do anything besides smirk? Pssh no. Genuine smiles are rare and fleeting.

-He gives 0 fucks. He does what he wants. Within reason of course he’s not an animal.

-never killed anyone. Beat the fuck out of people? Hell yes. Nobody fucked with him. He was ruthless and no monster was ever brave enough to try and take him down. Or strong enough.

-How the fuck is fire ripped. Seriously why is he buff? Magic? PSSSSSHHH. Fine. Okay whatever.

-But seriously he’s startling strong.

-his main coat he wears looks like a pimp coat what the fuck. Are you a pimp? Don’t ask him this he’ll punch you in the face.

-whoa, amazing control of his heat. Like whoaaaaaaaaa. Witchcraft… shut up i know he’s made of magic. YOU GET THE POINT.

-a small fondness for animals. He feeds the cats in the alleyway.

-Speaking of alleyways. He’s not an entirely edgy jerk. When he was closing up he found a few homeless people digging in the dumpster behind his bar. He yelled at them and stopped them from running. He brought them inside grumbling and gave them a proper meal. He does this time to time after closing.

-Lets stray animals sleep in the bar after hours during the winter. He spends extra time cleaning because of this.

-his bar is practically a sauna alright it’s always super warm and it’s mostly because of him. He generally counteracts it with air conditioning.

-if people get rowdy in his bar and don’t listen he threatens to turn off the air conditioner. He has done this before. It gets people to suffer fairly quickly.

-not a whole lot gets to him but if you manage to push his buttons he’s quick to anger.

-PAY YOUR FUCKING TAB. He’ll hunt you down he swears to g o d.

 Underswap

Sweetby

-sweet silly laugh. But laughs at inappropriate times or at inappropriate things

-He forgets heat control. Humans start sweating around him and he wonders why they all look all uncomfortable. Oh right! Silly him!

-Runs a cafe, and serves the sweetest cakes and pies in existence.

-his favorite thing to enjoy is apple cider. He can’t drink it because ow, but he enjoys the smell. Has occasionally tried to drink it because he can’t help himself he’s curious.

-Shortie. 4’8. He’s the perfect size no matter what you say.

-if you insult him he just frowns and stares at you for an uncomfortable amount of time. You’re suddenly apologizing and his demeanor shifts to a more cheerful one.

-if you’re mean you’re getting kicked out of his cafe. None of that. Nope. He’s the only menace in his cafe and that’s just because he’s trying to spoop people!

-Will use the cutest words. He adores them they make him giggle.

-Is very happy and cheerful, and loves the little lava monsters that live with him. They help run the cafe and often attract customers.

-The more the merrier in his cafe! He gets money to help his family (the lava monsters) and he gets colorful characters that he likes to chat with.

-Sweetby is a nickname that was given to him from Honey Bear. He loves it because it sounds like Sweet pea (it’s a pun actually which makes him giggle) and calling someone sweet pea is just precious and adorable.

-Adores pastels, and because of this he has the cutest cafe in the entire town.

-Sweetby has a no tolerance policy for a lot of things. Racist? Get the fuck out. Sexist? Get the fuck out. Hate gay people? O u t. He’s having none of that nasty business in his shop.

-would love to shake your hand but he doesn’t want to burn you so he’ll give you an enthusiastic wave. He’s also the type to want to kiss the back of your hand after shaking it, but with his issues with heat control, he simply blows you a kiss and gives a small wink.

-he’s very charming. Despite his odd remarks that are honestly kind of terrifying if you don’t know him very well, he’s lovely company.

-lolita fashion is adorable. He wouldn’t wear it himself, but anyone he does he completely gushes over their outfit.

-a small passion for clothes.

-has this really charming coy smile, and a lot of his regulars seem to have a small crush on him at the very least. He takes advantage of this to get them coming back again and again. He doesn’t lead them on and flirt back but he’s always very polite and kind.

Swapfell

Gruffby

-doesn’t talk much. Only for business.

-Was an arms dealer. When he did sell them to a monster he generally just ended up killing them, gathering the weapons back up and pick the rest of the cash out of the monster’s dust.

-Also ran a shooting range. Monsters were allowed to come let out frustrations. Sometimes he just had targets other times he had weaker monsters as the targets. He didn’t kill these customers since they kept on coming back.

-Nobody fucks with him. Nobody. Gruffby is hardcore and does crazy ass shit.

-bit of a temper. He flares up, scoffing. That’s about it. Not unless you provoke him.

-Provoking him is the worst thing you could do you will die a slow and painful death. What? That’s illegal? He’s angry about this now.

-there are tiny lava fire monsters living in his pockets. He’s a softy for them.

-runs a hunting for game store. (ya know like deer and elk.) He’s happy he can still sell guns, and he is very serious about his business.

-Reserves the right not to sell guns to people. If someone looks sketchy to him then you’re not getting a fucking gun dude. No. You’re yelling like a maniac at him only proves his point. Get the fuck out of his store.

-Do you got a license for that? Buddy ol pal if you don’t…. The cops are on your ass, he’s taking your shit you don’t have a license this is literally him doing the community a service. Yeah he’s a monster who’s killed but that’s not legal on the surface.

-Ends up learning about all sorts of horned animals and birds. He’s gotta know exactly what his guns are being used for to shoot.

-The tiny lava monsters like to get into a pack of bullets and melt them down. Hey you lil fucks what did he say about touching the merchandise? He’s putting them in a time out. You heard him go to the corner.

-The lava monsters crackle at him. He crackles back. It seems like they’re hissing each other.

-At home he falls asleep with the tiny monsters laying all around him.

-he has a really silly sounding giggle laugh.

-DON’T YOU LOOK AT HIM WITH THOSE PUNS. DON’T YOU DARE. he loves puns but hates his laugh.

-he can’t control his eccentric laugh so if you crack a joke he thinks is funny he’s losing his cool.

-friends with Scaryberry. He’d gotten lost in Hotland when visiting Alphys. He could see the fear as he was trying to maintain his bratty and “intimidating” behavior. He didn’t know what got a hold of him but he found himself serving him some tea.

-Loves tea. He doesn’t really get to enjoy it like he wants to but he at least enjoys the aroma of it.

-Scaryberry got him to quit smoking.

-pretty tol. He’s 6’4. If you’re short he’s going to tease you relentlessly but honestly he thinks it’s cute. Part of what he loves about Scaryberry.

-he likes sweet scents. They’re intoxicating and he adores them.

-He has about a billion candles okay, he really likes different smells.

-He’s actually secretly a huge dork that he hides with his edginess.

 Horrortale

Smores

-Chillingly silent. He doesn’t like to talk a whole lot so he’s selectively mute. When he does speak it’s but a few words.

-His voice is raspy, almost like a whisper and you can hear that familiar sound of a campfire.

-For a fire he’s rather cold, literally, as a fire monster it’s alarming how much heat he lacks.

-Knows sign language and will sign rather than speak. Even if he does speak he’s signing at the same time.

-He’s fragile… He isn’t a healthy fire but one that seems to be at the brink of going out at any time. It affects his voice and his body temperature.

-spent his time in the underground hiding away after everything went to hell and his bar shut down. By the time they got out he was on the brink of death before Axe found him.

-Is still recovering mentally and physically from the underground. It took a great toll on him.

-He’s used to food being taken from him, and is a bit of a pushover. He doesn’t have the physical strength to fight back, and he doesn’t have the voice to scare anyone off. He has to suffer in silence since most monsters don’t know sign language.

-he’s angry when people take things from him. All he can do is glare at least that’s what he believes. If he’d done more in the underground at his state he would’ve been killed.

-he spaces out often and frequently. He often becomes out of touch with reality and needs constant reminds as to where he is.

-he’s smol for a monster from his au. With his decrease in strength he shrank and is a 5 foot tall bab.

-He still has bit of a bite when you talk to him, sarcastic and a bit of a smart ass at times.

-He talks in a rather cryptic way like he knows something bad is going to happen. He’s just trying to spook you. He doesn’t know shit. But it sure gives him a giggle seeing that disturb look in your eyes.

-Visits the hospital often. He’s willing to admit he needs help. He’s kind of dying so he’s constantly getting health scares and check ups.

-he enjoys Axe’s sense of humor. Axe visits him from time to time still when he has to stay overnight at the hospital. It reminds him of when the days were good.

-Since he can’t do a lot of things he’s started taken an interest in music. He has an odd selection of music, Melanie Martinez being one of many that appeals to him. His music is rather dark and unsettling, and there are a lot of strange and kind of out there songs he collects. This kind of brings him a bit of peace.

-It takes a while for paper to burn around him now. It scares him. He avoids paper at all costs unless he gets morbidly curious about how bad his health is doing. The longer it takes to burn the worse he is. He doesn’t need a reminder.

-Some days he finds he can’t get out of bed. It’s frustrating and he cries hot tears. He feels so broken and useless on these days. He’s hoping to be able to recover but some days he isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to.

-because of his disabilities he’s fallen into depression. He’s still adjusting to everything and suddenly being unable to do things has taken a toll on his mental state which is already pretty damaged.

-He’s fascinated with violins. Their shape is gorgeous, their strings seem like they’re delicate to him but they sound loud and beautiful. He wants to learn to play but if he does recover he will never be able to play again since he’d set the instrument on fire. So he admires from a distance.

-loves alice in wonderland of every shape and form. He relates more to the darker versions though.

-he’s slowly losing memories from the underground. The more they slip away the more it scares him. He isn’t sure this is how he wanted to heal. When he realizes he loses another memory he recounts what he can. Those are… Pretty fuzzy memories…

#general headcanon #grillby #undertale #underswap #underfell #swapfell #fellswap #horrortale #ut grillby #us grillby #uf grillby #sf grillby #fs grillby #ht grillby #undertale grillby #underfell grillby #underswap grillby #swapfell grillby #fellswap grillby #horrortale grillby #headcanon #ask

[cycloalkne]

92 Things :-)

thanks @pennyfynotes​​ for tagging me!!!!

rules: answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (that’s a lot of people lmao)

LAST

1. drink: water!! (n)ice 

2. phone call: honestly can’t remember lmao

3. text message: a message about my last physics midterm LOL

4. song you listened to: twist and shout - the beatles

5. time you cried: hm, i think it was a few days ago but just because i was overthinking things haha (i usually cry 1-2 times a week but lately it’s been a bit less)

HAVE YOU:

6. dated someone twice: HA nope

7. kissed someone and regretted it: not really 

8. been cheated on: thankfully, no

9. lost someone special: depends what you mean by ‘lost’

10. been depressed: yah

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: i hope this never happens in my life

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14. maroon, dark blue, mustard yellow (dark yellow...?)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: yes!

16. fallen out of love: ha. yeah

17. laughed until you cried: for sure, sometimes when i laugh a lot i that happens (but more often than not, i just make really weird laughing noises)

18. found out someone was talking about you: yes...? maybe

19. met someone who changed you: yeah, but not in a big way or anything-- just the little things like mannerisms and some habits

20. found out who your friends are: i’ve kinda always known :^)

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: LMAO yeah :    )

GENERAL:

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know: all of them :-)

23. do you have any pets: nah, wish i did though

24. do you want to change your name: never! i love my name and i’m lucky enough that no one has ever made fun of it to make me hate it, haha

25. what did you do for your last birthday: my aunt got sick (thankfully she was fine!!) so i went to visit her in the hospital, afterwards got mcdonald’s at a mall food court :^) well spent

26. what time did you wake up: 7AM, kind of late by my standards

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: slowly falling asleep :-)

28. ???? hello there, thanks for making it this far !!

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: seconds ago haha, i’m finally home from work!

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: people think i’m this, like, absolute cinnamon roll and i just?? wish i actually could be. also wish i had nicer teeth.

31. what are you listening to right now: stockholm sweetnin’ - scott hamilton (just a jazz song from a spotify playlist haha)

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: no, but hopefully someday i can say hello to tom holland

33. something that is getting on your nerves: nnnothing :-) i have a bunch of pet peeves but 90% are cleaning related

34. most visited websites: twitter, reddit, tumblr, and canvas (for school) are my top ones, i think

LOST QUESTIONS:

35. mole/s: i got a few, yeah. they’re chill i guess

36. mark/s: i think i have a few small scars and random cuts on myself, haha. 

37. childhood dream: i REALLY wanted to a be a marine biologist back in fourth grade (which still sounds pretty cool, but i’ll just stick to aquarium visits).

38. hair color: just black : ) very boring, i know

39. long or short hair: it’s medium, idk if i really like it or not but i can’t do much about it soooo

40. do you have a crush on someone: honestly i might, idk

41. what do you like about yourself: not much

42. piercings: NONE i’m lame sorry

43. blood type: not sure, actually?? i wish i knew

44. nickname: don’t really have one, but someone used to call me em so it kinda stuck

45. relationship status: s i n g l e

46. zodiac: libra :-)

47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite tv show: hmm, as a chill tv show i really like p&r and the office, but as more intense/dramatic ones i think house of cards is pretty good??

49. tattoos: nahh

50. right or left hand: lefties forever :-)

51. surgery: wisdom teeth surgery, but other than that, no :o

52. hair dyed in different color: nah, but maybe i will haha

53. sport: golf! i love watching baseball and basketball haha

54. hello, number 54. hello!!!

55. vacation: hm, i’m going to vancouver in a few weeks, so i’m pretty hyped!! also a twin peaks detour haha

56. pair of trainers: i have some old converse lmao, maybe i’ll get adidas??

MORE GENERAL:

57. eating: nothing right now :-)

58. drinking: just had some water!!

59. I’m about to: eat dinner :-) watching LSSC with my parents

60. ..?

61. waiting for: my summer class to be over :^)

62. want: a cute boy ,,,,,,

63. get married: let me find someone who tolerates me first LOL

64. career: some kind of scientist!!!!!!! 

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. hugs or kisses: CAN’T CHOOSE i like kisses but hugs are also nice

66. lips or eyes: eyes!

67. shorter or taller: taller

68. older or younger: .>>? idk, older i guess but i’m just..,

69. ha very funny

70. nice arms or nice stomach: arms..........lowkey though

71. sensitive or loud: sensitive!!!!!

72. Hookup or relationship: relationship :-/

73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, although troublemaker can be fun :---)

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. kissed a stranger: nah

75. drank hard liquor: nope, barely have had an alcohol haha

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: not lost them, but i have broken glasses slightly 

77. turned someone down: too often, please Stop

78. sex in the first date: HA no

79. broken someone’s heart: not really sure lol, i guess maybe

80. had your heart broken: ish

81. been arrested: thankfully not

82. cried when someone died: thankfully, no one close to me has passed away as of now. i’d probably cry a bit, though

83. fallen for a friend: kinda

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: BARELY

85. miracles: not exactly, no

86. love at first sight: it’s not really love, not in my opinion, anyway

87. Santa Claus: not anymore :-(

88. kiss on the first date: if you’ve known the other person for a long time, then yeah (or just a kiss on the cheek is Nice). but if it’s someone you don’t know Super Well, then it’d be kinda weird

89. This is anticlimactic :’/

OTHER:

90. current best friend name: i have!! a lot of best friends

91. eye color: dark brown :-)

92. favorite movie: dude idk, right now it’s baby driver but this changes CONSTANTLY

thank you for tagging!!! do this if you’d like :-)

#tagged in #pennyfynotes

[prydwencats]

Tagged by @maximumrevolution

1. Do you have a certain place at home for reading? Do you read outside? If I’m reading online, I’m either kicked back in my worn out computer chair or curled up on my couch.  If it’s a physical book, I’m stretched out across my bed reading.  Seldom do I read outside.  Usually outside I’m working on something or planning a project.  Outside is a super busy place for me.  

2. Bookmark or random piece of paper? Any random thing I can find.  I like the concept of bookmarks but I lose them too easily.  I’ve used random papers, thinner books, pencils, pretty much anything smaller than the book itself will do.  I’m awful I know.  lol  I try to stop at new chapters so IF my random marker falls out, I can find where I was. 

3. Can you just stop reading or do you have to stop after a chapter/ a certain amount of pages? I have to stop at a chapter’s end unless I’m interrupted. 

4. Do you eat or drink while reading? While reading a physical book I rarely eat or drink.  I’m clumsy, don’t like to take chances, don’t like crumbs around my books, I have to be really sucked into a story but also really hungry to eat and drink while reading a book.  BUT, when it comes to reading on my laptop I eat and drink all the time.  (which makes total sense because if I spill my glass of tea on my laptop it’s way cheaper to replace than if I spilled that same glass of tea on a paperback novel. lol) 

5. Multitasking: Music or TV while reading? If I’m reading a work of fiction I prefer quiet but will tolerate cartoons if it keeps my toddler out of my hair while I finish a chapter.  If it’s news I really don’t care what’s going on.  In fact, I really welcome the distraction of music or television if I’m reading the news.  The news sucks and it doesn’t seem to matter if it’s national or local...

6. One book at a time or several at once? One physical book at time.  It is almost unheard of for me to read more than one book at a time, (not counting the Bible, but reading that is more a study exercise for me).  Now fanfics on the other hand...  I have lost track of how many fanfics I am currently trying to keep up with and I sincerely apologize to those of you that have stories that I’ve started but haven’t finished.  I really need to make a list to keep up with them all. 

7. Reading out lout or silently in your head? Silently for the most part.  I’ll read out loud if I need to reread something that moved me emotionally or just really took me by surprise.  The only exception is editing.  If I’m editing,there’s a decent chance that at least half of what I’m reading is out loud. 

8. E-book or paper book? Paper book.  I refuse to use a kindle or nook or whatever else is out there.  When I read a book, I want to actually hold the book.  Call me old fashioned, but I want to be able to see, smell, touch, and hear the book that I’m reading.  And yes I said hear, as in the sound the pages make when you let them slide past your fingers, the soft thud the cover makes as it falls shut, you get the idea.  If I’m going to stop everything I’m doing to read, I want the full experience.

9. Do you smell your books? Absolutely.  I love the smell of old books.  I also love that I can find a shuttefly book in a room by smell alone.  (I discovered I could do this last Friday.)  Not that it’s a pleasant smell, but I love seeing the creativity someone else has used to arrange and create a physical representation of a special time or place in their life—and that’s a very positive thing that I associate with that smell.

10.  Breaking the spine or keeping it like new? I baby my books as much as I can to keep them looking as new as possible.  It usually doesn’t last, but I try...

11. Do you write in your books? On occasion?  It’s been a while since I’ve done it but I’ve only just now gotten back into reading physical books.  If I did write in them, it would be to establish ownership or something of significance just inside of the cover.  The exceptions to that would be like, technical manual-type books or my Bible... I have been known to hilight, underline, or put little asterisks next to things that I think are really important or things I want to be able to find later.

12. A genre you’re especially sensitive to? I’m kind of big into science fiction, and for some reason, despite being a total chicken-wuss about horror movies/shows, I seem drawn to books that depict scary things.  

13. A genre you’re really not interested in? Romance.  Despite the fact that I love romance and flirting to be sprinkled into the stories that I read, and the fact that I used to be known as a fluff writer, I don’t want to read a story where the main thing in it is the romance.  If I do read a romance then it means that the author presented me with either really captivating characters, or such an interesting world that I just couldn’t turn away.

14. Do you read ahead or even skip pages? Hahaha!  I’m the person who skips to the back of the book to see how it ends before going back and reading the story in it’s entirety.  I  can’t explain why I do it, I just do. 

15. Is the cover important to you? Do you have a type of cover that cockblocks you? Oh my gosh the cover is SO IMPORTANT.  Unless it is an old book with artwork or colors that give me a nostalgic feel, I do not like my books look bright, bold, or too busy.  When my books are sitting on a shelf together, they are part of my home decor, and I want them to look a certain way.  I like old things, I have an old house, and for the most part, I prefer earthy tones and basic natural colors.  I won’t object to a book that ended up in a lavender cover, but if I end up reading a book with a cover that I hate, you can believe that thing is being stored away in a trunk or drawer where I don’t have to look at it.  I’ve even been known to shop around online until I can find older versions of books with more appealing covers.

16. Bookstore or library ? Neither.  I want to support my hometown’s bookstore but they are far too expensive.  I am however quite comfortable in a used book store, (the books smell better).  I just don’t come across those kinds of shops that often.  The town I live in now has this adorable old library that looks like it belongs in an old western.  I should probably go inside one day just to check it out, but for whatever reason I haven’t in the 9 years I’ve lived here.  I guess in my mind, if I’m going to read a book, I want to own the book and not have to give it back when I’m done. 

17. How many books in your To Read Pile? Seven.  Eight if you count the fanfic that somehow made my BuJo Reading list.  Maybe I should start listing the fanfics I’m reading in my BuJo so I don’t lost track of them.  That’s a thought... 

18. Do you have a goodreads account? No. 

19. If it’s not your favorite genre, do you care about reading “the classics”? It depends on the book.  I’ve found that some books that have been called ‘classics’ are really quite awful.  I think it really just depends on the subject matter and the characters.

20. What are you currently reading? Honestly I’m not reading any actual books right now.  Six of Crows is sitting on an end table on top of my Art of Fallout book—but I haven’t started it yet—and I have a vintage copy of I Am Legend in the mail.  Mostly, I read a lot of fanfiction, and I read even more of my own fanfiction as I meticulously pore over my chapters.  The bulk of my reading right now is either news online or wiki references and forum conversations as I study various things in the Fallout World.  If I’m going to write fanfiction I’m going to do my absolute best to make sure I write it as accurately as possible.   Wow this took far longer than I expected...  I guess I’ll leave the tagging thing open to any of you who want to talk about your books & reading habits. 

#I stayed up far later than I meant to #Oops #Books #Personal #PrydwenCatReads #Not Fallout #Random #I'm tired #lol

[whattoputonyourface]

“Actives”: Skincare Ingredients That Actually Do Stuff

As much as I like all this beauty stuff, I'm aware that most of it is marketing bullshit. With skincare, there's already a pretty good consensus on what works, and it's mostly stuff that's been around forever and is very unsexy from a marketing perspective. But capitalism is a bottomlessly hungry machine. Consumers crave constant innovation, which is how we end up with 500 dollar creams that are basically just cetaphil in prettier (unhygenic) jars. The vast majority of skincare products don't do even half of what they claim to, and effectiveness often has very little to do with price point. In order to get the most out of your skincare, you need to know what ingredients are actually proven, by peer reviewed research, to make a difference for your skin. Unfortunately, they're aren't that many of them, but at least that's more skincare products you can convince yourself not to buy.

Obviously, you don't need to use all of these. You don't need to use any of these. The built-in disclaimer of this blog is that all of this stuff is totally bullshit and you will get old and die regardless. But if you wanna look pretty in your coffin and make people at your funeral think you died tragically young instead of at a normal, boring age, I have some recommendations.

Retinol (aka Retin-A, Differin, tretinion, adapalene, retinoid)

Retinol is crazy. It's a form of Vitamin A and it does basically everything - slows the aging process, helps calm down acne, boosts collagen levels, fades scars (even stretch marks!), and lots of other things. Basically, retinol works by increasing the cell turnover of your skin. Unfortunately, when you start using a retinol, that means your face kind of just starts starts flaking off. Your skin gets dry and it can make everything look a lot worse before it looks better. You need to introduce it very, very slowly. I started with a low concentration applied twice a week and worked my way up, and my face still looked pretty gnarly for a month or two. I had a few people ask me if I'd gotten a chemical peel. But if you stick it out, moisturize heavily, and make sure to protect your skin from the sun (retinol can make you extra photosensitive, so it's best to use at night), the results are definitely worth it. Your skin WILL eventually adjust and stop falling off, I promise.

You can get some retinoids over-the-counter in small doses(The Ordinary is probably where they're available for the cheapest price), but usually it's something you need a prescription for. I get mine through Curology, and I can't recommend them enough. It's a 20 dollar a month service for an online dermatologist. They send you a custom formulated bottle every few months and they're on call 24/7 if you have any questions. Their prescriptions can include retinol as well as a lot of the other actives on this list. Mine has azaleic acid and clyndamycin in it. Considering I used to pay 100 dollars for ONE bottle of just retinol that would last me maybe a month or two, Curology is more than worth it. Use retinols in the evening, after you've washed your face and before you've put on anything else. Make sure your face is dry when applying the retinol. Don't exfoliate at the same time as using a retinol unless you know your skin can handle it - it's too harsh for most people.

EDIT: Since writing this post I've learned that retinol actually doesn't make you more photosensitive, but it does degrade in sunlight, so it's still best to use at night.

Vitamin C (aka L-ascorbic acid, sodium ascorbyl phosphate, ascorbyl palmitate, retinyl ascorbate, tetrahexyldecyl ascorbate, magnesium ascorbyl phosphate, ascorbyl glucoside)

Vitamin C is arguably the most basic bitch vitamin. So mainstream. For skin, it's a strong protective against photoaging (aka sunspots and wrinkles) and lightens already existing areas of hyperpigmentation. It works as an antioxidant ("oxidiziation" is basically the mechanism of skin aging, so anything antioxidant is gonna be great to put on your face. I sort of know how antioxidants work, but this wikipedia page explains it better if you're interested).

The annoying thing about Vitamin C is that it's a really sensitive ingredient. As an antioxidant, you really don't want to expose it to air if you can help it, and even if you don't, if it isn't formulated correctly, it can go bad quickly. That's why I like the Drunk Elephant C-Firma Day Serum - it comes in an airtight pump and the company claims it will last two years. It's insanely expensive, but it lasts a really long time because you only use one small pump per day. Paula's Choice and The Ordinary sell C serums for cheaper, but since they're in dropper bottles, they don't last as long. If you're in the market for a Vitamin C serum, look for one between 10-25% concentration. If you buy one and it starts to turn orange, that's how you know it's oxidized and no longer particularly useful (the Drunk Elephant one is orange from the get go due to the pumpkin in it, though). You use Vitamin C in the morning, after you've washed your face, directly on clean skin. You can exfoliate first if you do that in the morning, but make sure to put it on before anything else.

The Acids: Alpha Hydroxy Acid (aka lactic, glycolic, mandelic, azaleic, lots more) and Beta Hydroxy Acid (aka salicylic)

Alpha Hydroxy Acids (AHAs) and Beta Hydroxy Acids (BHAs) are used to exfoliate the skin. Remember when I said to throw out your St Ives? This is what you should be using to clear out your pores instead. Different skin tends to favor different acids, but generally speaking, BHAs work well for the oily, as BHAs are oil soluable, and AHAs work well for everyone else, as they're water soluable. Additionally, BHAs tend to be more effective for breakouts, because they actually get into the pores and clear them out, while AHAs are better at exfoliating and sloughing off dead cells on the surface of the skin (which means they help refine skin texture and lighten hyperpigmentation)

The most commonly used BHA is salicylic acid, and the best way to find out if your skin likes it is good old Stridex pads. Remember those? Turns out they actually do something.

There are a lot of different AHAs, and different skin tends to favor different chemicals. Lactic acid is usually considered the most gentle and a good starting point. The cheapest lactic acid formulations I've found are from The Ordinary. Are you sick of me talking about The Ordinary yet? Sorry, they're a goddamn miracle for poors like me. I use the 10% formulation. It smells awful but it works.

You want to be careful with AHAs and BHAs as they are irritating to the skin and can make things worse if overused. Introduce them slowly, maybe once a week at first, seeing how your skin will tolerate them, and increase from there until you're happy with your results. Some people have skin that LOVES acid, and they can exfoliate twice a day, while others might only be able to use an acid once or twice a week. AHAs can make you more sensitive to the sun, so they're best used at night, but you can use a BHA anytime. Just be sure to do it on clean skin, and for either AHA or BHA products, wait between 10 and 30 minutes depending on how patient you are before moving on to the next step in your skincare routine to let them do their work. These ingredients are ph dependent and need to sit on your skin for awhile by themselves, so it's best to use a product specifically made to exfoliate rather than a moisturizer or face wash that includes an AHA or BHA.

Niacinamide (aka vitamin B3, nicotinic acid)

Niacinamide is a goddamn miracle. I don't really know how it works. It just does (and peer reviewed studies suggest it does as well). Not only does it do a bunch of great anti aging stuff like firm the skin and encourage collagen production, it is REALLY effective at lightening hyperpigmentation, reducing irritation from breakouts, and most amazingly, it's the only thing I can think of that actually makes your pores look smaller. It's so good. Again, The Ordinary sells it for insanely cheap (like 6 bucks).

You don't want to use niacinamide and Vitamin C at the same time, because it'll cause your skin to flush. Some people say it makes both products ineffective, but the jury is still out on that one. I think if you use it a couple steps apart in a routine you're probably fine, but use your Vitamin C in the morning and your niacinamide at night if you want to be on the safe side. Niacinamide is one of the few ingredients listed here that's generally pretty stable and doesn't need quite as much protection from light and oxygen. You can use it at any point in your routine as long as you haven't put on anything super heavy and occlusive yet.

Humectants (aka hyaluronic acid, glycerine, butylene glycol, honey, fun stuff like snail slime, propolis, and chaga mushroom)

As I've said in a previous post, Humectants are just things that draw water into the skin. You need them in a moisturizer, but this is where your skincare can get less sciency and more fun, because a lot of weird things are humectants. A very hip Korean skincare ingredient is "snail mucin" aka snail slime. I've used some snail products and find them very soothing and calming - if you have sensitive skin you should give it a try. This gel cream from Mizon is sort of the OG cheap snail product. Really though, a lot of these buzzy plant and animal extracts that sound so exciting are really just moisturizers. Some of them might end up being proven to do other things, but at this point, there just isn't enough solid research to know for sure. They're PROBABLY not gonna do anything beyond hydrate, but your skin needs hydration, so if they sound fun and you think it'll make you more excited to take care of your skin to put some exotic botanical extract on it, go for it. Maybe they'll turn out to do other stuff, too, or maybe your skin will take a special liking to them.

You can use humectants at really any point in your skincare routine, but if you're going to use them earlier in a routine, make sure they don't have any occlusive ingredients, because those will form a barrier and keep the next steps in your routine from absorbing. For a mid-routine humectant dose, I like this hyaluronic acid toner.

Occlusives (aka oils, basically)

Your moisturizer also needs occlusive properties if you're putting it on as a final step in your skincare. These are what hold the humectants in and keep them from just evaporating out of your face. Occlusives are usually oils. Every few years the beauty industry gets super hyped on another ~miracle oil~: awhile ago it was jojoba, then it was argan, now it seems to be marula. They all work pretty much the same, although certain oils have other properties that are allegedly good for your skin in non-occlusive ways - sea buckthorn oil has a lot of antioxidants, and coconut oil is an antifungal, for example. This is cool, but you're not really going to see dramatic differences based on these properties. You really just have to try a couple out and see which ones feel the most comfortable on your skin and don't break you out. An oil is pretty much an oil. No need to overthink it if you don't want to.

A Note about packaging: It's fine if humectants and occlusives come in a jar instead of airtight packaging or a dropper bottle, because you aren't using them for their antioxidant properties. Pretty much everything else I listed here (with the possible exception of niacinamide) needs to be protected from light and oxygen as much as possible to remain effective. Airtight pumps in opaque or sun-protected packaging are best. Make sure if your product comes in a jar that you at LEAST wash your hands before sticking your fingers in it, or better yet, use a little spatula or spoon to get the product out.

"But what about (x ingredient)?"

There are a few other "skin actives" that allegedly do stuff that I didn't write about. There are a lot of ingestible antibiotics that work great for acne, for example, but they're mostly available by prescription and not something that's going to be marketed to you, so I skipped them. Some newer skin actives that are showing promise have really cool mechanisms of action: there's this awesome new peptide based on snake venom that supposedly encourages collagen production by mimicking broken collagen bonds, for example. Arbutin is supposed to be a really effective hyperpigmentation lightener. Caffeine has a temporary tightening effect that can make it good in eye cream. There are some fun herbal ingredients my skin seems to respond to well - ginseng and green tea, for example, but there's not really scientific evidence to back that up, they're more just fun for me to try out as a skincaretainment enthusiast. There's a slew of other stuff that shows some promise but hasn't been used long enough to be without a doubt skin-changing. The ones I covered here are the ones with the most research behind them and the longest history of effective use in skincare.

#skin actives #skincare advice #skincare ingredients #retinol #niacinamide #vitamin c #ahas #bhas #alpha hydroxy acid #beta hydroxy acid #humectants #occlusives #skincare oils #snail mucin #propolis #this entire post is a subtweet at la mer #skincare

[achildoftheivy-blog]

Chapter 2: With a Little Help from my Acquaintances

I see your facebook and instagram pics. You know, the ones where you are out on the town or an event and you just take that amazing selfie with your friends or your bestie. I’m jealous of that. I don’t have that. I used to have that with her. For 10 years I had that and that was all I ever needed. That one true best friend. Before her and now after her. Nothing. 

And I don’t know fucking why. OK, so maybe I kinda do. All throughout school I was the super introvert quiet one. I was always taught to be polite and follow the rules. Everyone else just did whatever the hell they wanted and got along with each other and made a bunch of friends consequences be damned. Trying to fit in and being a victim of bullying also didn’t help my confidence. I was stuck in this hell. Alone. So when it did come time to sack up and try to be friends with an acquaintance they would always much rather hang out with there better friends. Also there is just huge trust issues I have with people. I have no idea where exactly that problem came from. That’s a thing that would have to be dug into by a therapist or something. But there was a time I just didn’t speak to anyone. I just observed people and mentally take notes about them so I could tell if they were good people that wouldn’t hurt me. But by the time I felt comfortable it could have been months or years and I was just that weird quiet kid. So 0% of being friends there. The only friends I thought I had were the ones who aloud me to listen in on their conversations with their group. 

Pictured: My before before the school year and planning to make a bunch of new friends

 Pictured: Yearbook signing day

It wasn’t until I met Her, that she for some weird amazing reason started talking to me. This super overweight loser with the style of a 12 year old was getting the attention of what I considered the prettiest and coolest girl in school, albeit and very small school.  I felt as though I had won life’s lottery. I had finally gotten a best friend. 

                                 Pictured: Super Overweight Film School Loser 

Now flash forward 15 years later from high school and one separation later it’s more or less the same nonsense. No one wants to hang out with me. Don’t know why. One of the better things that came out of the marriage was that I gained a ton of confidence and the need to explore new things. But everyone is either busy or they rather hang out with other people. OR even worse, if it’s a girl they think I’m hitting on them or trying to seduce or something like that. 

BOOM Random Rambling Topic

If you had the chance to look at any of my social media, it’s dominated by women. Don’t know why, I just like conversating and hanging out with women more than guys. It has nothing to do with anything sexual or the like. I just believe I can have more meaningful conversations with them than my same sex. Also, I have hung around way too many men who just do way too much of that locker room talk BS. Sorry, but I have ZERO tolerance with any form of objectifying women. So no, not every guy does “Locker Room” talk, so it’s definitely not acceptable no matter how private it is. 

Random Rambling Topic UNBOOM

Now I guess one of the big things I’m trying to figure out in a post-marriage life is, what the hell is wrong with me that no one can stand being in my presence. That I’m not valuable to anyone’s time. Is it something I’m not offering, am I boring? Am I not acting a certain way? I know what I am. I lean more on the sensitive artistic caring scale, but should that be enough to deny me company from another human being? I know I can be a sarcastic smart ass and that is off putting, but I think that it’s just a defense mechanism just to make me seem not as sensitive artistic and caring.  

This is all stuff that will keep me up into the dead of night just thinking about. Over and over. It’s exhausting. 

But here is what I have decided. I can’t control the people who want to be a part of my life. Like actively a part of my life. Like seriously taking an interest in what I do and at least caring about how I’m doing. I can’t handle much more relationships that are just a one way street. But to the ones who make me feel as though I add value to your life, I truly appreciate it.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been actively trying to help people who have made my life better is one shape or another. No I don’t want a favor and no I’m not flirting with you, I simply feel as though I don’t want to lose you from my life. I think that you are interesting and important enough to me for me to do whatever it takes to keep you happy with me. I figure I’m not cool enough to breeze on by with just my personality alone, I need to put in extra effort to make myself seem important.  OK, I don’t mean to make all that sound that creepy dammit. I just don’t have a lot of people to connect to and all this exploring, adventuring, and experiencing over the past few month has made me realize the importance of human connections. We aren’t made to be alone. 

So to wrap things up. I’ve decided to actively help people who help me feel better about myself. Since that is the only way I feel like people can stand being around me. I will also just let life handle the work of who should be in my life. Pursuing people for friendship is a tiring and aggravating chore. For me, it never works out and is always a recipe for disappointed.  I still don’t feel I have any friends. It feels weird for me to call someone my friend, because I feel as though they don’t feel the same way. But that’s OK, because I can start calling you acquaintances and then you’ll really feel awkward about it. 

Wait!?

Where are you going?!

You wanna hang out this week?

Next week?

COME BACK!!!

OK maybe sometime soon!!!!

#life #marriage #seperation #highschool #friends #alone #anxiety #aquaintances #girlpower #lockerroomtalk #helping #filmschool #selfhelp #confidence #introvert #bullying #middleschool #elementaryschool #college

[thatswhatshername]

... Things not to say.

I'm not allowed to be lonely or depressed but it's ok for you to say that this relationship not only makes you lonely but also suicidal? Wow. That emotional blackmail shit is real af. Maybe that's why you always think I'm trying to make you responsible for my feelings- because that's what you do. With you interior motives and shit. But I'm supposed to sit compliantly and continuously give you the benefit of the doubt. Sick.

What I'm hearing you say is that you cannot or will not be there for me unless it is convenient for you. That is fine. I will handle myself accordingly.

-being there for someone is based when the needs of that someone...not your convenience.

-I shouldn't be laying next to you wanting to die and not be able to approach you for comfort.

-stop telling me that people told you not to be with me. Stop telling me that people don't think you should be with me. Why would you be telling me this? It just makes you look like a bitch ass nigga.

-you say that you can handle things but...you never ever do.

-how will we survive as a union if we can't actually deal with each other.

-stop telling me that I'm not logical...you're literally the least logical person I know so you couldn't possibly tell one way or the other.

-I honestly think you're a piece of shitty work. And yea, you're also stupid. But those goals and values give me reason to believe that this is worth the work... even though I've never witnessed you actually meet a goal......or stand by your values....... so I guess I'm working off hope and good will and benefit of the doubt..... Little do you know...smh.

-I've never yelled like this in my entire life... you've pushed me to a lower point than I've ever been... and you want an apology for my yelling and storming off...

-you get up to go sleep on the couch.........wow.

-the pain and stress of this relationship is sucking up all the energy I use to survive... this relationship is going to kill me... and because I don't want to live, it looks like I'm going to let it...

You literally can't function without an apology for whatever hurt you feelings even if it wasn't wrong. But you never apologize for your wrongdoings or the hurt you cause. I don't understand how you can be so destructive and so stubbornly holding grudges at the same time. These are terrible characteristics. I hope you recognize them and grow out of them soon.

Ok so... is it that you're only super busy and eating with a lot when I'm not around? Because if I hadn't had to leave yesterday, I'd still be there and all last week when I was there, you didn't have shit to do or deal with.. so..... are you like...ignoring your entire life and responsibilities when I'm around or do you instantly pick up a ton of shit to do as soon as I leave your side? Because it sounds like you're bull shitting me or just flat out lying.

-how could you possibly tell me what's difficult for me?? You literally can't know that information. There is literally no mechanism for measuring such a thing- or at least not available to the public. So.....just stop. Stop trying to force me to do shit based on your idea of how doable it is for you. I am not you.

-wow...you can't compromise on getting what you want. You have to eat what you want exactly the way you want it despite it not existing at all until I offer it... I honestly think you're only making this demand because you know that I'm uncomfortable giving this information in the current moment. I gave you several different ways that you can receive this information but you shut down anything I say because you want it now and exactly the way you want it..... It has nothing to do with you caring about the situation or caring about me. And this whole reasoning based on wanting to know for the sake of deciding whether you want to deal with a person who's been through whatever experiences or if you want to deal with possibly having children with mental health issues is complete bull shit. Honestly, if this was about anything other than your ego and you wanting me to just do whatever the fuck you tell me to do, you could've easily gotten what you wanted by now. Logically, it has nothing to do with getting the information. If the information was most important to you, you would've done what you had to do to get it. But because it wasn't, you didn't. Instead, you stuck to your ultimatum. You stuck to getting what you asked for- what you demanded. Because getting what you ask for is more important to you than anything else. And that's honestly sickening as fuck. So fuck you. If you wanna leave, fuck you. Fine. Leave. As often as you tell me to leave, it makes sense that that's what you really want. When you say that this isn't the place for me, if you care o much about me, I would hope that you wouldn't stay in a situation that you believe is causing me harm. If I sincerely thought that I was causing you harm, I would leave you alone. But you don't want to be the first to leave. Just like you don't want to be the first to apologize. You can never be the bigger person. Smh. Little bitch nigga.

It's so disappointing to know that you are almost never willing to be the bigger person. You're almost never willing to go the extra mile. You're almost never willing to stand up and the man. You just whine about people not treating you as such- not respecting you, not treating you like an authority or not treating you like you're above in some way. But the thing is, you're not. You're small. You're a small person. There's no reason for anyone to look up to you or give you any more respect than any other living thing. There's no reason to honor you. There's nothing about you and nothing you've done that makes me or anyone else see you as any type of leader or boss or authority on anything. And when I ask you to be the one to step up and be something, you throw a fit because it's not your "responsibility" to take initiative... 💀💀💀 And you're so offended and that's such bs that you put a pillow between us... wow. That's some bitch ass shit. It's a reoccurring issue that you're just a little bitch.

Again........being a little bitch.

1. Don't tell me about anyone throwing shade at me in your presence. Especially when you don't have the capacity to check they ass. I've already asked you not to share shit like that with me. Now, it is a command. Do not tell me shit about people talking shit about me to you or in your presence.

2. Why is it that every time I have an issue with something you do, you flip it around and make the conversation about you and some issue you have with me??? Stop with the comparisons.

-damn...ugh. Hours and hours later and you're still whining and being a little bitch?? This is not helping your case. Little bitch ass bitch. Lordy. Exhausting. Smh.

-you send me into violent whirlwinds of depression. I've never experienced crashes like this throughout my life before you. I'm honestly afraid to continue this situation. What if it literally kills me? I don't want to risk giving you that guilt. I don't want to risk people blaming you and attack you for it. I don't want you to fall apart and kill yourself too. So...really, it might be better to just not be together. I cause you constant grief. You cause me constant grief. We're doing each other more harm than good.

You feel disrespected and unappreciated... I'm convinced that I am too big for you. I understand that I am a lot of things. But I think on all that I am and consider the thoughts and feelings of everyone I come in contact with on the daily basis and I am confident that I am not what you say I am. I don't morph into a terrible person when I'm dealing with you and then go back to being myself when you're not around. You have certain sensitivities that I might not be able to cater to. And because of the way you handle things, I don't have the desire to figure out how to cater to your sensitivities. Your juvenile behavior only adds to the sentiment of you being a small minded and weak willed person. I don't know how I could survive a marriage with you.

-it's getting to the point where.. this relationship just isn't worth it. Especially in terms of marriage? Why are you marrying me? Do you feel like you have to? Do you still feel pressured from these unspoken things that you get from my vibes or whatever? I know that you want to be married..... but I don't want you to marry me at the cost of us being miserable. Don't marry me if I make you miserable. And if I don't make you miserable, stop acting like I do.

-the fact that me asking for one thing led to all of this. Why can't you just stop telling me when people have negative sentiments toward me. That's all I'm asking for. But because that means you didn't handle it enough for me, I don't appreciate you. Because I didn't let you end a conversation by hanging up in my face, I'm disrespectful. Because you're upset, I mistreat you. Honestly...it's laughable. You're a joke. You're absolutely ridiculous. Extremely inconsistent. Completely illogical. And quite frankly, a large portion of what you do and say in response to things you dislike are unreasonable and unprogressive. I don't even know how I tolerate you. And to think, I'm constantly looking back and checking myself and taking responsibility for things and making compromises and changes to myself to appear you. Not that I'm doing things that make me better or help me to grow, just things that appear you for a moment in time until you change again and then I have to change for you again. But me? I'm actually making a better life for you. Making you better for you. You will never be worse than you were when you met me. I upgrade you're entire character but you see that as a bad thing. Like oh, you changed because of me and oh, your life changed because of me. Hm, yes. You're right. Cleaner, healthier, more mindful, less socially inept... seems like I'm helping you be a good human. But no. Because you were happy enough before... lol. Because ignorance is bliss, the good I bring to your life is considered bad. I'm shamed and scolded for these things. Lol. Fuck you. Fuck you and your idiot ass. Bitch ass idiot ass nigga. You idiot. Your aunt Leslie was trying to tell you not to fuck this up. She saw the gold in me. But you flat out tell me to my face that I am not golden and that you will never see me as such and you refuse to think highly of me?? Ohhh sweetheart...... I wish I could save you from yourself. You're going to lose me and realize that there is nothing and no one better. Now, I might lose you and realize that there is no one big enough for me but there are definitely men who are better than you. My being alone is better than you. So the comparisons will never go in your favor. I'm trying me best not to give you what you deserve but you make it so hard.. You know for a fact that I am naturally giving and helpful and that I constantly build people up and provide for people and lift people's spirits in a million different ways. But you fight me on that. You want to feel special so none of those things are of value to you unless no one else is receiving that care and kindness. Do you know how childish and idiotic and selfish you sound? Grow up. Just do it. Do it now. Because you're too old for this bs. I know that you're only a year older than I am but even I'm old enough to check myself. You talk about being wise but true wisdom would be for you to take charge of your character and develop the skills to handle most situations with grace as opposed to throwing a tantrum and telling your soon to be wife that she's not allowed in the space you've previously decided to share just because you're upset. Lol. Get your panties out of your ass. Stand up straight. And get your fucking life. Smh. So ridiculous.

-you want to be treated like this.....man. Like a MAN. But you ain't no man! You are a boy. You can't even stand for anything like a man. You are a boy. Stop acting like a baby boy and then being angry and throwing tantrums when people don't meet your expectations of being treated like a man... slap yourself. Lol.

You don't want me to seem like I need you or need anything but the basics- otherwise there's too much pressure on you. But you want to see my appreciation of you at every move you make. It's clear that thank you's, cooking and cleaning, shoulder rubs, groceries, and gas money aren't enough to make you feel appreciated. So...what exactly are you looking for? Just compliance, right? Getting what you want when you want it is the key to happiness for you. Compliance and control. Power. Power seems to be your issue here. And I don't know how to help you with that. Your power is over yourself. You will never have power over me. Especially as long as you're so hungry for it.

Me giving you my time and attention equals me taking up your time and attention. Me giving you things equals me not appreciating you or looking down on what you have yourself. Me being great equals me considering myself greater than you. Am I getting these things right? *sighs* You're honestly just proving to me that you're a nut job. That you're an emotional wreck and a manipulative sicko. I'm never going to try to prove myself to you because I am already committed to my work and my growth and my greatness. You need to learn to do the same for yourself and take responsibility for that shit because it's not for me- it's for your very own soul. Save yourself. Don't play yourself.

You specifically said that you didn't love me before. And now, you've said that I will never be golden to you. You're actually abusive and I understand that you attack whenever you're hurt or aggravated or frustrated...but...that doesn't make it ok. And it's taking longer than I'd hoped to forgive you for all of the things you purposely say and do in an effort to hurt me or bring me down. I know that you're sick and I want to help you but I can't help you if you're constantly trying to break me. I'm not saying that I don't believe you love me... but I think that you're mental and emotional health problems keep you from being able to love me or receive love from me. It's making you a danger to me.

-your perception is so fucked. You only see terrible things. Anything can set you off. Literally anything can be a trigger for you. I don't know how to care for you or give you peace in your heart or help you manage your emotions. You're so manipulative and abusive with this emotional blackmail shit...always playing the victim. You put every flaw you have on me as if I have it too or caused it for you. And these games you play... trying to be everything you hate about me...as if that proves anything besides the fact that you're a terrible sick person. You're making this so hard. Trying to test me. Trying to make me prove something to you. Setting up obstacles to see if I'll jump through fire for you. And I would. But what if I just can't jump very high? What if I jump a million times and never make it through? Maybe I'm just not the person you need or want.

-are you trying to make me leave? Are you trying to break me? Are you trying to push me away? Are you trying to make me give up? Are you trying to show me that I shouldn't want to be here because you don't want to be here? If you're done...just.....leave. It's ok. I don't want to hate you. You don't have to make it as terrible as possible to make it ok. It's ok to leave if you just don't want to be here. Don't torture me. You can't make me leave. I wish you'd stop trying.

You went from passive aggressive to aggressive and controlling. You've made it clear what you're looking for. You've proven yourself to be exactly what I think you are. If this is truly your reality, I will retrieve my things and remove myself from your life. Fine. Embarrassing. But it's fine.

I'm working really hard to learn how to deal with you. So far, you're a paranoid pessimist, passive-aggressive, complainer, blame-placer, and manic depressive person. I don't know if I have what it takes to help you. I'm exhausted and I still have my own issues to deal with at the end of the day. I wish you were open enough to help me help you.

This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. You're feeling like you're working through your issues alone... You are. That's what you said you needed. And I can't easily defy your senseless wishes when I have no car or money. So...? Ok. You need food and love. No car or money = no food.. but, what does love look like to you? Besides bending to your every request and/or demand? I understand that you're going through a lot right now...but I still don't know when to take your words at face value and when to ignore you, keep the routine up, and let the storm pass. I don't know how to give you opposing things. I can't do the wishy washy flip flop with you. I can't change my lifestyle every day to match a new set of rules/needs/wants based on your mood. I love you but you're way isn't working.

---3.22.17

I know that as your partner, you want (and in most cases should have) access to me no matter what. I know that. The few cases where I believe that you aren't entitled to that access is when you are purposely causing harm. I do believe that there are different effects of actions based on the intentions behind them. Intentional harm is more severe than unintentional/accidental harm. It's true in life just as it is in the law.

You have come to some conclusions about me that lead you to be intentionally harmful to me whether it's in an effort to get your way or get your point across or get me to do something-behave a certain way... and... it's just not working. I'm not an animal that you can train by shocks or pops on the nose or sprays of water. Harming me does not change my behavior. I'm human. Knowledge changes my thinking- therefore changing my behavior and my approach on things.

For example, you're being insensitive and inconsiderate of my feelings and depression. Saying that I use my mental illness as a crutch. Not knowing that I worked through my feelings and illness for over 10 years before I was even willing to admit that I even felt that pain or needed help at all. So now that I'm finally at a point in my life where I am willing to speak about it and willing to get help, it infuriates me when people treat me as if I'm just weak. Or as if I am just lazy and not taking responsibility for my own wellness. I am. One of the first things they told me to do was to reach out to loved ones/supportive people.

I recognize that loved ones may not always count as supportive people and that all supportive people may not be loved ones. So I can accept that you can be one and without being the other- and I'm not trying to force you to be both. Just understand that if you aren't fighting with me, I can't be concerned with how you're affected as a bystander. Whether you're being caught between blows by me against the illness or by blows directly from the illness itself. If the fight is not your problem, the effects the fight has on you are not my problem. My wellness is more important to me. I don't have a choice.

You probably think I'm being stubborn. -that I'm stubbornly not apologizing for my actions at the cost of me getting what I want (contact with you). But in actuality, I don't regret my actions. I regret having a negative affect on you. And I don't want to be in contact with you until I feel like you're less harmful to me- and I don't feel that way yet. I still feel like you're trying to train me as if I'm some type of subordinate to you.

Using all sorts of things as tools of manipulation, makes me more and more uncomfortable complying with your demands. You thinking that making the situation more extreme will force me to comply, is incorrect. It will leave you and I both at a loss. Your need for control is scary to me. You will never be in control of me. That is not what marriage is. You trying to manipulate me with extreme measures and ultimatums is unacceptable. I will not comply based on anything but my own will and my own desire to please you- not your desire to be pleased.

So...if you actually want to talk to me, you're stubbornness in holding out until you get the specific apology you gave an ultimatum for is stopping you from getting what you want. Both the apology as well as contact.

4.27.17

You called me baby for the first time. We're a strong 2 weeks out of our mental emotional episodes and all is well. I think that understanding the sickness and troubles we have individually is finally giving us an opportunity to support each other and giving/receiving that support is doing us a lot of good. I love you. I hope that we can do everything we need to do to make this work.

4.29.17

I realize that it's probably because of the disorder but I can't deal with the blowing things out of proportion. I'm not allowed to have any issue- definitely not allowed to ask you to solve any issue -because it's just flipped back on me as if I'm ruining your entire life. Extremes. All or nothing. I honestly don't even know who you would be without these behaviors.. but I sure af hope I find out...very soon.

-I'm sorry that I can't live with the cat. I wish I could deal with it. I with I didn't notice so many small details. I wish I had another solution to offer. But I don't. I've been having an issue since before February... nothing has changed and nothing has gotten any better. No solutions have been put into play. No amount of wiping or vacuuming has worked. I understand that you need a calm outlet. I'm looking for other things to help you with that. But I can't feel this disgusting in a place I have to come back to every single day. I can't avoid or throw out food constantly or just eat cat hair. I know that my feelings are extreme to you, maybe I have OCD too. But I've tried to just deal with it, I've tried to hold my tongue, grit and bear it.. I bought a fucking vacuum.. it's just too much. I understand that the cat is young and it'll shed less at some point.. But I need a solution to make this space livable in two months- 63 days to be exact. I can't live like this. I can't even chill temporarily like this. I can barely sit on the couch.. I'm uncomfortable in the bed.. being naked.. my shower towel.. eating anything... I'm sorry but I just can't deal. I've been trying since I first got in here.. I can't even re-wear my clothes if I sit in the wrong place in here... I mean...? I'm sorry. I just can't.

-💀you just shaved your whole face out of frustration? 😂😂😂 you look like your dad...who looks like a pedophile murderer creep... so I'm laughing.......but not really...

I can't stand the drama. Constant drama.

4.30.17

-unsent text"I need you to care. I need you to care enough to help or at least try to help. But you don't. And you won't. You make it clear that you didn't choose to be here and that you barely want me around and that all your sacrifices/compromises aren't worth it- whatever it is. I would prefer to not just...be a burden and make your life hell and apparently change you're entire life for worse. I see that you think you shouldn't do anything because I apparently put us here all on my own. Apparently if I want to be with you I should put up with whatever there is to put up with and if I have complaints, I should just shove them because I chose to pursue this situation. Just FYI, I wasn't pursuing an intimate relationship. I wanted to be someone who you could count on and lean on because you seemed to feel like you were/are alone- not based on your own choice. Someone to care for you because you were/are clearly unwell and not taken care of. I just wanted to be there for you. You decided that you didn't want a friend. You decided to focus on marriage. You decided to be exclusive. You decided to prompt me to move in and be around. You wanted this and you chose this and there was no facade and you were not tricked. I am done."

5.10.17

I've really been trying. To be here and to be happy. I honestly feel hopeless. I feel like this will never be a good thing. I'm so unhappy. I'm so lonely even when you're around. I feel like I should be with almost anyone else. I feel like you can't be bothered with my feelings unless they're blatantly about leaving you. I can't live like this. July feels like a death sentence. I have to actively silence my thoughts to keep from praying to die. I would rather just not be here. I can't handle anything for you or anything about you. I don't want to be a stress, burden, trigger, or any type of negative for you. But since I am, I don't know why you want me here. I would rather just not. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone. I should've checked out by now. I can't live like this.

5.16.17

I should start documenting good times as well. Maybe I could use them to calm myself when times like these get overwhelming...like now. This battle with unhealthy ideals of fairness and equality and reciprocity... I can't deal. It seems like there are endless things that I can't deal with. It seems like I have too many boundaries, rules, standards...and I notice too many details. I make you uncomfortable. You feel like you can't have anything and you can't do anything... So, I feel like I'm holding you back from the freedom and joy you feel entitled to. So...what am I supposed to do? Since I'm the problem, I should change or leave, right? But if I change, you become the problem. So, what I'm hearing in all of this is that I should leave. What I'm hearing is that I am not the person for you. What I'm hearing is that I am not a good partner for you. And apparently you aren't really a good partner for me either. I'm honestly just so over this shit. I hope and pray for God to take me every fucking day. It's so exhausting. Fuck it.

5.17.17

Unsent: "So...you said you were ok... you said that you were over it... Then you start acting out on my phone like a little bitch. How does this make sense? Stfu talking to me nigga."

5.22.17

Stop walking into my realm full of gloom and resentment. Take a deep breath and drop that shit outside the door. I can't take that shit. I hate doing so much to make you happy and none of it counts or matters because it doesn't look like reciprocity or because you're salty about some stupid shit that you fucking caused. Fuck you. Keep wondering why I'm not sure. Need to start wondering if you need to look for a new fiancé.

You think I'm asleep but I'm actually just relaxing into a prayer that we get hit dead across by a semi truck.

You think you're little attitude and passive aggressive behaviors when you say you're ok is just aggravating to me but in reality, I'm trying my best not to jump out of the window or slit my throat or shatter everything in the apartment...across your head.

You think that these things are small. To you they're just little snags. And maybe they should be. But to me they aren't. To me they're strikes against us. And boy oh boy do we rack'em up. We have more bad days than good. I think that's a problem. I think that's reason to step the fuck out of this. I'd rather leave than slowly hate you deeper and deeper.

5.23.17

Oh, no kiss goodbye? Because you're still upset? Oh. Since you said that you were good and implied that I was the one trippin, I thought I'd believe you... but that's the type of thing you can't help but lie about, right? Every single time. "I'm gonna sleep soundly tonight".....bs. Not when you avoid touching me with every fiber of your soul... and not when you specifically don't do things that are normal to us and that I've asked you to do and that you like to do... out of spite and salty ass bitch ass having an attitude... I hope you know I'm a light sleeper. So I hear you bitching to yourself while you get ready in the morning.........bitching about some shit that you were supposed over or ok with or good about...

Just FYI, you're an idiot. I didn't use the cat as some excuse as to why I'm not doing anything. I don't need an excuse to not do some shit that's just for me... You're not getting rid of the cat for me to paint here. You're getting rid of the cat so that I can eat, sit, walk, and sleep in peace.. Quite frankly, I could've been painting somewhere else but you didn't want me to... Also, I didn't apologize for not accepting you're "ok" in place of yes. I apologized for telling you what to do...as opposed to asking or suggesting. If you answer "ok" to a yes or no question, it implies that your answer is not yes or no and that you might prefer something else. But instead of voicing that something else, you hold it in like a little bitch so that you can pout about it for the next 18 hours. My point is to be direct...so that you can stop doing that little bitch ass attitude shit because it's hard not to see you as a little bitch- it's hard to respect you as a grown, intelligent person when you're acting like a passive aggressive little bitch having a mini tantrum for a continuous 18 hours... I hope you have a nice day- even though you constantly go out of your way to ruin mine. 🖕🏾

6.17.17

I can't say goodnight? What, it was 30 minutes earlier than you falling asleep? Things like this are why I feel like trying to please you is hopeless. I'm literally in trouble for doing something kind. It's as if everything I do or say is just wrong. I can't do anything right. Walking on eggshells and still failing.

I don't what I'm supposed to do here.