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xxxdragonfucker69xxx · 6 years

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"You know what your problem is?" Des said thoughtfully. "You need to stop thinking with your spear."

Seal glowered at her, but he couldn't actually get up without disturbing her. They were sprawled on a couch in the Sanctuary -- him with controller in hand, her with her legs across him and holding another one of the things Terrible Lion had brought them. It was a small, flat, rectangular pane of glass, one that could supposedly communicate with people across the land without need of sorcery. Des used hers constantly. Seal had lost his ten minutes after he got it.

No response. "What's that supposed to mean," he growled.

Des tapped her thumbs across her screen, lightning-fast, and hummed for a minute before responding. "You heard me," she said. "Your spear."

Seal paused his game to twist and look at the longfang resting on the couch behind them. Technically weapons weren't allowed in the Sanctuary, but nobody was going to separate a Dusk from his weapon. Glorious First Light sat there innocuously, shaped simply but heavy with the weight of a thousand years. He could feel it watching him, even without eyes. "What about my fucking spear?" he said.

Des rolled her eyes. "Not your actual fucking spear, idiot. Your fucking spear. Heh." She swiped across her screen for a moment. "Well, and your regular spear. It's all..." and she waved her hand in a vague circular motion, "...mixed up. Tangled. Thorny."

"Stop using dumb fucking flower metaphors and just talk like a regular person," Seal muttered. Des heard him, because she set her device down.

"I mean," she said, pausing to make sure he was paying attention, "your ego, and your weird macho bullshit, and the giant chip on your shoulder, and your weird dumb thing about not letting anyone see you act like a human being. Just pull yourself together and talk to him."

"I have no fucking clue what you're talking about," said Seal, who knew exactly what she was talking about. Des rolled her eyes and picked up her thing again. Who was she even talking to? Nobody else in the Sanctuary ever used theirs. Fucking unbelievable. "For fucking real," he said, getting more and more pissed by the minute. "Where the fuck do you get off on lecturing me? It's not like you ever actually fucking talk to Cloud or Silver." Des' eyebrow shot up, which was how Seal knew he had landed a hit. "And fuck you," he plowed on, helpless to stop, "for thinking you know any fucking thing about me. I'm fucking fine, okay? I'm eight feet tall and shitting thunderbolts out my fucking ass. I am so fucking on top of it I --"

The point was maybe a little undercut by how far Seal jumped when the door swung open. Des shot him a wry look before peering over the back of the couch to see. "Coast clear," she stage-whispered. Seal returned a venomous glare before pausing his game (which he had stopped paying attention to ages ago) and turning his head to look.

It was Tower and Hours, the two biggest members of the Sanctuary. Hours wasn't wearing a shirt, so they'd probably come back from some kind of huge-dude workout. Seal didn't let himself think about that too long. His eyes slid across Tower, refusing to register much, but noted the guilt on their face. For that matter, on Hours' face as well.

"Voops," Hours whispered in a booming voice. "Didn't mean to disturb anyvone." He was pointing at Phoenix, who was curled up on one end of the nap sofa, fast asleep.

Des waved her hand airily. "We've been here for like an hour and he hasn't woken up. I think he's out like a light."

A gleam came into Hours' eyes. "Vell.... there is a vay to test zat. I saw zis in a video vonce." And he started striking poses, flattening himself against the wall (as close to the wall as 400 pounds of muscle could get), slinking loudly from position to position, and humming quietly to himself.

"What the fuck is he doing," Seal said to Tower. The Day Caste shrugged.

"We've been teaching each other some things," they said. Seal blinked, and Tower seemed to slide back into focus a little, relaxing whatever Stealth Charms they had up. At least someone in the fucking room felt less anxious. "He showed me how to make someone's head explode, and I showed him how to move more quietly." They all looked at Hours, who was trying to execute a tactical roll between the refreshment table and the cabinet. Tower frowned thoughtfully. "I might not be a very good teacher."

Des laughed and patted the couch. "It's not your fault, Tower. Come sit with us. We're having some girl talk."

Tower frowned harder and said, "I don't think I'm a girl." But they came and sat anyways. Des lifted her head so they could slide under her, then laid her head back down on their lap.

"See?" she said to Seal. "So reasonable." She smiled up at Tower, who was visibly pleased with her satisfaction. To them she said, "Seal is having romantic troubles."

"I am fucking not," Seal snarled, but Des ignored him. "See, Seal has someone he likes," she said to Tower. "Someone he like likes."

"I know what romantic attraction is," Tower said. "It's when two people spend a lot of time together and eat together and kiss a lot. Sometimes they hide somewhere to have sex which is good because then you don't have to hide the bodies yourself."

Seal recovered hastily from his choking fit, blaming his burning cheeks on the near-suffocation. "That is not -- I do not. That's not what --"

Des was not trying very hard to keep her laughter in. "That's exactly what it's like, Tower. The thing is, Seal doesn't want to tell the guy he likes that he likes him, and that's keeping them from getting together."

Tower frowned again. "Why not? If you tell him you can have sex with him."

Seal choked again. "That is -- for fuck's sake, Tower, people do things besides sex. Des, help me out here."

Des raised her other eyebrow. "What for? You're doing fine." She winked at him, the little shithead. "Just tell Tower what you actually want."

Seal wished, not for the first time, that he had spent the time to develop the Eyes-Like-Daggers Glance. Tower was looking at him expectantly. "It's not really that I want anything," he muttered. "It's just that sometimes.... you look at someone and.... and they look really good." Tower stared blankly. "Like, their fucking muscles, okay? Their fucking skin and shit. Void damn it." Void damn him. He was going to jump off the balcony if he didn't get out of this conversation soon.

The Neverborn must have heard him, because there was a sudden noise from across the room. "NAAAAAAANTS INGONYAAAAAAAA BAGITHI BABAAAAAAAAA", someone was shouting. All three of the Abyssals on the couch twisted to see Hours posing on the nap sofa, stance wide, screaming the song from that damn story about the lions. He was holding above his head -- oh, shit, -- he was holding a little man over his head, in an open shirt and sandals.

"NAAANTS INGON -- oh fuck," Hours yelled, as Phoenix's anima suddenly blazed around him. He dropped the smaller man like a hot potato, but Phoenix landed on his feet, eyes blazing with sunlight. "Uh, vas joke," Hours said, backing up as Phoenix advanced. "Vas only little joke, uh, not that you are little, no, very big, very big in spirit, ah, DesSealTowerhelpme --"

"You're on your own, dude," Seal said, and hunkered down to hide behind the couch. Flashes of light and swirling darkness cast themselves over the edge of it, and a tendril of soulsteel nearly took off Tower's leg that couldn't fit behind the furniture. Hours screamed, probably for comedic effect, Seal judged. He traded looks with Tower and Des. Des yawned exaggeratedly; Tower just kept looking at the clock.

Finally Phoenix came into view around the edge of the couch. The smaller man was dragging all 400 pounds of Hours behind him, apparently unconscious. "Hours doesn't get Dry Bones for a week," Phoenix said. "I'm going to go find Shadow. Seal, come with me."

His tone brooked no argument. Seal tried to protest that he didn't have anything to do with it, but Phoenix's anima was still flaring, and Seal felt a perfectly reasonable amount of fear. He shot Des and Tower a pleading look, but evidently they were just as willing to abandon him, so he got up and went with Phoenix.

"Listen," Phoenix said in an undercurrent as they headed towards the door. Behind them, Hours' head made a thunk as it hit a table leg. "I know things are a little confusing right now, but I wanted to talk to you."

"Okay," Seal said out of the corner of his mouth. He didn't know why they were playing fucking spy and catcher, but he wasn't going to not play along. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Well," Phoenix said, and paused. He didn't seem to know how to continue. They reached the door, and opened it onto a snowy wasteland. Finally Phoenix turned to Seal and said, "It's just that, you know -- when a man and a woman love each other very much, or any two people really, they --"

“Oh Sol,” Seal said, and fled the Sanctuary.

#hour in black #sanctuary in black #i got off class early so yall get this early #i am so. so sorry #i am sorry to you seal and i am sorry to you pho and i am sorry to you who seal has a terrible gay crush on

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scottielambchop · 6 years

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My Summer Set Review (2/2) ...Like, a Year Later

Hey guys, I got really tired on waiting for this thing to be edited (and honestly so did the person editing it). So here it is, unedited (sorry no boobs).

Herobust – Dirty Work: Before I get into this, I have a feeling that this song isn’t about the 1998 Norm MacDonald classic. This song starts off like it’s going to be a dirty-ass hip hop song, which is pretty tight, but then actual beat comes in which sounds like someone put a bunch of springs in a coffee can and then recorded it. As the song progresses, it sounds like someone autotuned an auto body shop. It’s bordering on unlistenable. The lyrics are really good though, you know, just about straight objectification of a woman. Jesus fucking Christ, it’s songs like this that make me really wonder why the fuck I chose to write this shit in my free time. All I can think about are junked out white kids twitching to this song in a grassy field and saying that they’re “in a groove.”

Keys n Krates – Dum Dee Dum: Holy shit, this song’s initial beat is just the words “dum dee dum” on repeat at different tones while someone uses a drum machine. There’s no drive or real buildup or anything. I know these kids like to dance to this shit, but I’m having a hard time even finding myself able to move. Then again, I’m not stuffed to the gills with blow and molly. I just don’t know what I’m listening to anymore.

Malaa – Notorious: First thing’s first, at the time of this review, this song has 6,382,678 views, so I’m thinking this is a banger… but I’m actually expecting the audio equivalent of dog shit through an Instagram filter. Ok, getting started. This song has a very basic beat, almost the type of beat someone would make when they’re trying to explain generic techno. And honestly, I’m not far off. It’s just low-key shit while lyrics from a hip hop artist are scattered about whenever it fits. I don’t hate this, I mean, I also don’t really like it either. It’s so nondescript that it’s hard to formulate an opinion on it. Which makes the high number of views makes so much sense to me, because either it’s so generic that it will keep any shitty 20-something basement party going without “harshing” anyone’s mellow, or someone had to listen to the song six million times just for to formulate an actual opinion on it. It’s probably a mix.

Ookay – Thief: This guy is straight-up made out of autotune. Thankfully, he’s trying to bring back the sexy saxophone, but the shitty over-bassed beats ruin any sort of goodwill that had going for it. Like, this song just sounds like a modern slow jam. There are lyrics… layers and layers of the same lyrics over each other, but it’s alright. I just kinda wish I didn’t have to see what this guy looks like. You know when a barista says “I’m also a DJ?” I have a feeling this guy is that success story. Compared to everything I’ve listened to so far, this song may as well be Rust In Peace by Megadeth, but ultimately it’s just Ookay.

Petit Buscuit – Sunset Lover: Jesus, more than 37 million people have listened to this. It starts off with a with an alright guitar (or synth guitar) riff, but then follows it up with an annoying high pitched voice speaking in a remixed foreign language. But this is really just non-offensive, kind of relaxing. It ever so slowly builds up more, adding in beats and other percussion instruments. Minus the remixed voice, this song is actually pretty good. I’d play it to help me sleep (I swear that’s not a dig). It’s just a quiet, relaxing song, people probably fuck to it a bunch.

Playboi Carti – Magnolia: This is a break from your typical bullshit dubstep/EDM on this list, which is a warm welcome for me. Sadly, this guy sounds like The Streets, but with an over-bassed beat. I don’t know what’s going on with hip hop anymore. Lyrically, it’s like they’re not even trying anymore, no rhyme scheme or anything. Just drone beats and incomprehensible rambling followed by a clearly audible “bitch” and that’s it. That said, still better than most of the stuff I’ve listened to.

Slushii – So Long (Feat. Madi): I can really tell how much this review process has started to change my outlook on things. I legitimately got excited when I saw actual people on the YouTube video thumbnail. My brain is breaking, ever so quickly. Anyway, this actually starts off like a pop song, slow beginning, nice pianos. Hell, even the girl singing sounds like she’s using her own voice. Ok, now the electronic part kicked in, but it’s not overly annoying. Honestly, this just sounds like generic hipster garbage, that people would namedrop to get some sort of superiority (“Oh that’s cute that you Animal Collective, but I’m more of a Slushii person.”) Regardless, I’m worried that they’ll get kicked off of the festival for being an artist that creates an actual song. Prayers for the Slushii family.

Snails – Frogbass: Oh Jesus, they’re hitting the ground running on this garbage. This just starts off really loud and obnoxious. And there’s a buildup where everything speeds up really quickly and subsequently gets quiet. All leading up the huge “dubstep” climax that just sounds like it was made on Sega Genesis sound chip. Like, that breakdown seriously gives me a headache. I feel like I need drugs… I SEE THE APPEAL NOW!

Space Jesus – The Weed: Well fuck, at least we’re now throwing out any attempts a subtlety with this song title. Honestly though, if I wasn’t working on this little project, and someone asked me if I’ve heard “The Weed” by Space Jesus, I would assume they’re one of the coolest stoner metal bands ever. But in all actuality, this song is just a conversation between two people about how a guy doesn’t smoke weed anymore, and that there’s a new drug or some shit out there, then it’s all remixed at different levels over some boring-ass, non-consistent beats. There’s seriously no drive to any of this shit. Like I understand that kids want to have some sort of music to listen to while they’re frying their brains on elicit drugs, but for fuck’s sake, try and maintain some artistic integrity. Oh, and this video has some dumb, weird fascination with waffles, but really, who gives a shit?

Ugly God – Water: Who could have seen this coming? The next natural progression from Space Jesus is Ugly God. In the future, I’m going to cite these two groups as a reason for my atheism. Once again, this is just generic beats with a guy mumbling over it. But wait, this guy rhymed “water” with “water” NEVERMIND HE’S A FUCKING GENIUS! And according to this music video, he’s also very talented at pouring two types of alcohol on someone’s daughter’s breasts. You know, because that’s a thing apparently. Also, this video has a weird gangster element, and utilizes the “f-word” (homophobic slur). Maybe the Christian conservatives were right about us shitty “snowflakes.” I mean, if (Ugly) God doesn’t have a problem placing himself above women and homosexuals, why should anyone else. I need to rethink my life.

Vanic – Too Soon (feat. Maty Noyes): This Maty Noyes girl has a pretty good voice… I think. It’s kinda fitting the trend of inward sing/mumbling so I don’t know what’s good anymore. But anyway, this song has the format of a pretty basic electronic pop song. Yeah, there’s a part in the middle where the keyboards make auto-tuned “veep” and “voop” noises, but at this point, nothing is surprising. The buildup is ok, and parts of this song are somewhat catchy. Yeah, it’s just a dance-pop song. Nothing groundbreaking, but it’ll get your ass shaking in the club or wherever the fuck you want to go.

Whethan – Savage (feat. Flux Pavilion and MAX): Well first of all, this video was uploaded by an organization called Trap Nation. I suppose there is no better time to let you all know that I have no idea what trap music actually is. So far all I can tell is that it just involves a lot of bass-y fart noises in lieu of a chorus. The quiet parts of this song are relatively tranquil, and I would very much like the song to just be nice an relaxing, but I guess that would make doing drugs in the middle of a field boring, so I guess Whethan added some loud robot farts to get you guys going… and that is trap music.

Wolfgang Gartner – Devotion: Apparently Wolfgang Gartner is the artist most retail clothing stores hire to make their in-house music. I’m currently watching a “lyric” video for this song, and they just have the same two lines on repeat throughout the entire song. It’s really loud and annoying, and yet I feel the urge to buy a pair of $150 jeans and a suit jacket.

Blu J – HDLCK: They sample Imogene Heap for this, so that’s pretty alright. But they replaced all of the music with the typical techno drums and claps, and then fill the rest off with random noises (you know, the sounds like when you hit a PVC pipe with a stick or whatever). I suppose it can make someone shake their ass. It just goes quiet and then loud and then quiet again. I’m now realizing that this review has become a test in how many times I can write the same goddamn review.

Kasbo – World Away: To start off, this just sounds like something that would be played in a dimly lit bar that would make you pay $25 for a gin and tonic. Very light and ethereal, but also really annoying. It’s like the audio equivalent of a late 20s/early 30s aspiring Instagram model. I can only picture people wearing big hats and big sunglasses listening to this and saying that this song is “so dope” and then going back to eating sushi and talking about how they want to travel the world and then live in a tiny home in an open field somewhere.

Russ Liquid – Feral Cat: Oh Jesus Christ this starts with what sounds like a pan flute and then evolves to a Moog synth. All of the sounds are compiling over each other, it’s like a multiple layers of noise that start and stop with the overall beat, like nothing is overtly loud, but there’s just so much happening all at once. After a bit, it just cuts its initial beat, and the noises just come all willy-nilly. There’s a point where a high-pitched voice is singing something, then there’s a clearly slowed down voice saying some bullshit at the same time, while it sounds like someone is having a stroke while playing a synth. This is like the official theme to a sexy headache.

Oh My Love – Spark: Oh good, it’s a band that saw early MGMT and the Phoenix back in 2009 and never grew out of it! That said, compared to practically everything else I’ve heard on this list, this has a straight-up song structure. And if I’m being completely honest, it’s actually pretty good. The female vocalist has a relatively pretty voice, and the beat isn’t overbearing. This song sounds like it would be played on a depressing montage about love lost over a summer in an indie film. Shit, I might actually listen to this song again, when I’m not forcing myself to review it. I have no idea who I am anymore.

Mielo – Surreal (Feat. Abby Sevcik): The beginning of this was highly inspired by the vocal prompts in Animal Crossing. Vocal cuts stopped and turned into actual vocals, which was nice… oops spoke to soon, it’s now just the word “you” in different pitches with a typical electronic beat. And now were back to the regular vocals. I get how this song works. It has some really peaceful, pretty singing and then it’s followed by one of the most annoying choruses. It’s kinda brilliant really, it provides audio highs and lows for people on ecstasy to better ejaculate. Yeah, a little under half of this song is good, but the rest is annoying horseshit.

Porn and Chicken – Ugh, no.

Attom – Stay: This is just local coffee shop background hipster music. Light noises, overpowering beat, peaceful synths and indecipherable vocals. Easy to ignore when you’re trying to finish your essay about how the works of Kant and Descartes affected the political cultures of their times or whatever. It wasn’t anything, Hell, it was hardly there. So needless to say, I like it better than 75% of the rest of this stuff.

GainesFM – Negative Energy: This is just typical modern hip-hop song with a minimal beat and mumbled lyrics. The only thing that sets this song apart from the rest of it is the fact that it sounds like vocals were recorded with a megaphone muffled through a pillow. At least he has the wherewithal to rhyme on occasion. Whatever.

Indrid Cold – Cosmic Dust: This starts off with a sample from an Apollo space mission. As far as I can tell, this guy is just a typical club DJ. Fun fact: I did once go through a minor techno phase in the very early aughts (we’re talkin’ ’01 or ’02). During this time, I listened to a lot of Paul Oakenfold, Chemical Brothers, and Orbital, and honestly, that’s exactly what this sounds like. It’s still shitty techno, but it reminds me of the shitty techno that I used to listen to, so I can tolerate it. Stupid samples though.

Ragebeards – Round 2: Ok here’s the deal, these guys are a local Minnesota DJ duo, I can’t really find anything of theirs on YouTube, so I’m watching a video on their Facebook. The problem (other than the fact that they suck) is that the video is more than an hour long, and I’m certainly not going to waste an hour of my life listening to this. Anyway, I can review this relatively quickly, imagine the worst parts of late 90’s Crystal Method and then add Michael Buffer/Jock Jams samples in there and that’s basically what you’ve got. Take that however you want, I’d rather listen to Filter.

Why Khakiq – Knew the Half: This song is pretty wild, man. It starts off as one of those mumblely hip-hop songs, but then the dude starts straight-up spittin’ rhymes. Then half way through, the beat completely changes to something faster and the guy really goes after it. And then it cuts back down. I dunno, man, I kinda really like this. Solid

Trufeelz – Set Ya Mind Free: Ok, imagine sped up Musak, weird synthy laser sounds, and then the same phrase being repeated on different pitches, one high and annoying, and the other low and breathy… and also annoying. But I can see how people dance to this. It sucks, but as I’ve come to realize, that doesn’t mean you can’t dance to it. OH COOL, THEY’VE ADDED PAN FLUTES AT THE END! NEVERMIND THIS SONG RULES!

Conclusion:

I’ve given one song by every artist a shot. Surprisingly, I found one or two that didn’t make me want to lobotomize myself with forklift (Hell, I actually found one that I actually kinda liked (Lookin’ at you Oh My Love)). But ultimately, most of the people playing this festival sound like the audio equivalent of vape rigs.

Most electronic dance music (techno, trap, house, flip, flop, butt, farts, Jeep Cherokee, flat earth, and whatever other subgenres) is the goddamn worst. Granted, I haven’t even smoked weed since 2009, so I don’t know what these guys sound like on drugs… or stranded in a field with people on drugs. The one thing I’ve discovered, is that this is just the next iteration of hippie bullshit. If you need drugs to enjoy the sounds robots fucking, maybe the sounds of robots fucking isn’t good. But whatever, I’m not going to fully shit on someone’s good time. I just won’t go to the goddamn festival.

If I can leave you all with one last thought, it would have to be “Fuck hippies and their bullshit music.”

But seriously, I hope you guys all do what you want, and do what makes you happy. I know I didn’t. I’m going to neutralize the nearly irreversible damage I’ve done to myself by listening to Propagandhi and Snapcase.

But seriously, seriously, fuck hippies.

Stay safe out there. Always know your dealer.

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