#wait i lied i actually get pretty good scores on classes about computers

[perilegs]

ok ok as soon as i develop the ability to understand clear instructions i will have nøkk with both autopsy AND top surgery scars in my game and then it's over for me

#i'm trying so hard with the unique tav mod but the instructions for it are not for my brain #usually when ppl make instructions they refer to things and what theyre referring to is clear as day to everyone but me i feel like #like 'unpack the xyz file' ok! easy! no idea what file we're talking about! cant find a dl or mention of it anywhere else! #and after almost crying i Get It #that wasnt specific to this mod but like me modding games in general #i dont have enough modding knowledge for this shit gdvdhdbkw #i feel like i'm getting a bad grade in computer #and like. i already do that at uni can we not do that irl too #wait i lied i actually get pretty good scores on classes about computers #it's radio technology and coding that makes me shed tears #leevi liveblogs

[imgonnapanic]

Miyagi Setter Squad Responding to “I Love You”

I can’t condition because I sprained my ankle again so here you guys go. Also I’m so sorry for the oddly specific name but if you want the other setters lmk 😭 I’ll do them later I’m too tired. ⚠️SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2 ⚠️

Oikawa Tooru

You were over at his house to study and maybe pass around a volleyball for a couple hours.

It was a pretty peaceful setting, you were splayed out on the floor looking at the ceiling

And he was on his computer doing god-knows-what.

It definitely wasn’t homework-

The silence is destroyed by your phone buzzing.

Your ride was here.

So you pick up your stuff, and you’re just about to walk out the door when it slips out.

“I love you, bye!”

This smooth fuck will pretend to be totally chill on the outside.

But on the inside he’s probably exploding.

He has seen this in movies, read it in books, seen it told to other people.

A couple of people have even said it to him.

(Even though he had no idea why because he had only known them on a last name basis for thirty seconds.)

So he knew alllll about it and exactly how to respond.

But...He didn’t execute as well as he wanted to.

So he ends up giving you some weird ass eyes as his whole face flushes.

“I love you tOo, Y/n.”

You don’t know whether to laugh at him or just leave

But you’re grinning the whole way home.

Yahaba Shigeru

‘Yahaba does not get annoyed at much’

Lies. He gets annoyed at so much that he thinks he might have some repressed anger issues.

The butt naked screaming in the bath after losing to Karasuno helped him come to that conclusion.

But not much actually sets him off.

In other words, he’s not slamming anyone against the wall unless it’s really fucking important.

Or, nowadays, when someone does something to cross you.

Now, you did not know that Yahaba was capable of throwing hands until today.

Because most of his wounds were dealt out verbally.

However, you figured the guy that stole your gym clothes deserved it.

You were just planning to leave it alone, but there he was.

Off campus.

Tackling this random dude.

The fight lasts about thirty seconds before you can run into certain death and break it the fuck up before someone goes to jail.

The dude has a bloody nose already and he listens to you and steps back.

“Apologize.”

He mumbles out a sorry before stalking away.

Yahaba is looking way too pleased with himself.

“That’s assault.”

“That’s chivalry.”

“Shigeru, I love you, but don’t fucking do that again.”

He mumbled a response back. “Yeah yeah I won’t. I love you too.”

It will probably take him at least an hour for that to hit-

Kageyama Tobio

He doesn’t have a very affectionate family, so that phrase has probably only been used sparingly around him.

But he has been silently willing you to say it to him for a while.

He’s already on top of the world when he beats Aoba Johsai.

You are so proud of him for finally taking down his rival.

When that final point is scored, you’re going crazy in the stands with Yachi, Saeko, and Shimada.

It was the most excited you had seen him in a long time.

He achieved his goal! He was now the best setter in the prefecture.

Not that he wasn’t before, obviously 🙄

But you’re sitting on the bus with him after they win, and it’s quiet.

Kageyama’s happy, you’re happy, and there’s almost no one on the bus.

You rest your head on your shoulder.

“I’m so proud of you. I love you so much, Tobio.”

*bang bang there goes your HEAAAAART*

On the outside he gets that wobbly look on his face, but on the inside he’s like

TWO IN ONE DAY?!

You’ve just been watching him smile at the bus driver for twenty seconds before he snaps out of it.

“Ah-I love you too, Y/n.”

You didn’t expect him to be so excited about that.

It was the sweetest thing ever.

Sugawara Koushi

It was after he came up to you and told you that he would no longer be in Karasuno’s starting lineup.

And at first you’re like.

“Bull-fucking-shit Koushi, what do you mean you’re not starting?”

He explains that a new first year setter had arrived with much better technique.

And that the coach had sat him down and explained that to him.

And that he knew that Kageyama was better and that he would be supporting the team from the bench.

You can tell his heart is breaking with every second he tells you this.

So you need to shut him up. Getting mad at the coach wouldn’t help.

You start telling him all the things he can do to still be a significant player.

He could stat games, keep a notebook, make hand signals, paint the notebook-

You can tell he’s feeling much better about himself by the end of your talk.

You pick your next words very carefully.

“You’re gonna have a great season, trust me. I love you, okay?”

Alllll the color just drains from both of your faces.

He’s like “yeah-wait. You love me?”

You rethinking your life decisions: “Yeah?”

“I love you too.”

“...Good.”

“Good.”

Shirabu Kenjirou

MotherfUCKER-

Well, he’s flustered, he’ll give you that.

But you’re not living that one down anytime soon.

You were on your way to school, making fun of stereotypical romance mangas.

“Sh-sh-shirabu-kun!! I guess you have to get to class now...😞🥺💞🌸”

“...we’ll see 😶”

“OHHHHHMYGOSH💞💞💞💞🌸🌸🥺”

By this time, you’re on campus, getting weird stares.

Past, single Shirabu would have given a shit.

But he only had a couple more minutes of making fun of people with you before he had to go to his classes.

Stupid 4.0

So now, you’re just pointing out random things that the horses were doing.

One of them kicked its own shit, and both of you lost it.

You guys were folded in half until coach Washijo came up behind you, and ordered you both to get to class.

As soon as he was out of earshot, you guys started laughing again.

“Well, I don’t wanna be taken out of the starting lineup, so let’s get to class.”

“Okay, love you.”

Oh shit. You did not mean to say that. For Christ’s sake, it had only been a month.

He looks like he’s seen Goshiki fall down the stairs. Almost triumphant.

“I love you too, Y/n. Now go attend to that math grade of yours.”

“Shut the hell up :)”

Semi Eita

Was very well planned out and very thought through.

It was ✨Valentine’s Day✨

And you had it written down in a card because you were pussying out you were a little nervous.

Plus, you could always brush it off and pretend like writing it down wasn’t as big of a deal as saying it.

On the other end, Semi was also planning to tell you.

Like, he was sure you already knew.

And he was sure he was making it into a bigger deal than it should have been.

But whatever, Semi’s never been one to do things halfway anyhow.

He just wasn’t obvious about it.

So, Shiratorizawa was just g l i t t e r i n g that morning.

Which was why you both were currently at a cafe, very far away from it.

This had also been planned, because his coach would not like it very much if he knew he didn’t have the Flu.

So you guys are laughing, talking, awkwardly holding hands over the table.

It’s so obvious that both of you are nervous.

And Semi’s like “wHats wRoNg bAbY?”

As if he’s not in the exact same situation.

So you just hand him the card and the gift you got him for Valentine’s Day and he opens it up.

And you’re basically ready to melt into the floor when he puts the card down.

“You love me huh?”

No answer.

“Well, I love y o u t o o.”

He got so quiet at the end, but the words were finally said, and you were both satisfied.

#haikyuu #anime #anime art #haikyuu headcannons #sports anime #oikawa headcanons #oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru #yahaba x reader #yahaba headcanons #yahaba shigeru #kageyama headcanons #kageyama x reader #kageyama tobio #sugawara koushi headcanons #sugawara x reader #sugawara koushi #sugawara headcanon #semi eita #semi x reader #semi headcanons #shirabu x reader #shirabu headcanons #shirabu kenjirō #pretty setter squad

[moonguilt]

please give me more kl headcanons.😔

OKAY people this got WAY out of hand and i wrote 7 pages of an entire au plotline so uh. sorry everybody but it’s gonna be split into at least a couple different postswe’ll call this CHAPTER 1: (chapter 2 can be found HERE)I roleplay on MMORPGs so you’re gonna have to deal with my self indulgent online roleplaying AU. There will be klance but I have to SET THE STAGE first so bear with me. basically this is just multiplayer online video game roleplaying garbage. on that note, enjoy.

hunk and pidge were the first ones to discover the video game “Voltron.” they dicked around on it just to test out the game controls and perhaps get coding ideas for a game they are trying to create, but they ended up kinda enjoying it. the gameplay has its issues but is overall pretty fluid.

hunk plays a rogue. he has to turn the game volume down sometimes because of the gross gorey noises the game makes when he stabs people. he probably would have rerolled as a different class just to escape the gruesome sound effects, but he really likes being able to enter stealth. he says it makes him feel “safe”

pidge plays a mage. hunk is under the impression that it’s because she wants to play a class with high intelligence points, and pidge doesn’t correct him. but really she just likes the idea of turning her enemies into frogs

shiro is hanging out with matt one day and ends up watching pidge play. he wants to be Hip and Cool so he decides to create a trial account and see if he likes it. turns out, he’s TERRIBLE at the actual gameplay (his computer reflexes are Bad and he keeps dying to basic mechanics on literally every boss fight. matt downloads the game and creates a priest out of pity just to help keep shiro alive while he levels)

“this is demeaning for everyone involved”

“you’re the one who has died seven times now to haxus. literally all you have to do is not stand in the fire. you’re a FULLY ARMORED PALADIN TANK how are you dying so quic—wait a minute. shiro. shiro why are you still wearing your level 1 starting gear.”

however, he finds out that the server they’re playing on has a roleplaying community! he figures he doesnt need swift reflexes to roleplay, so he starts dipping his toe into RP and discovers he really likes it. he enjoys writing stories about his heroic character, and enjoys combining those stories with the stories of other people he meets in the game. it’s like collaborative fantasy fiction writing, and it quickly becomes a passion of his

pidge and matt tease him endlessly for it. hunk is an angel and is very supportive of shiro’s new hobby. he is the only one who will listen to shiro gush about his character. unfortunately when shiro designed the character, he did not have a good grasp on roleplay, so the character is goofy looking and has an overly dramatic backstory involving dragons and a lost royal bloodline. hunk kindly chooses not to comment on it, and instead helps him develop new ideas and plots for his character’s adventures

eventually shiro manages to convince hunk to give RP a try. hunk is very careful and does a lot of research on the Voltron universe lore. he reads all the fanmade wiki pages, roleplaying guides on the game forums, etc., until he feels confident he can create a good character. he does (and eventually goes on to be a popular community figure who hosts huge server events and is friends with literally everyone, but that is several months down the line), and he and shiro begin their roleplaying adventures together

hunk gets Really Into It. fast. like faster than shiro. and he takes it SERIOUSLY; he is a total lore nerd & WILL tell you (in a very gentle, caring tone) if your character’s story/actions do not comply with the game’s established lore

“your character’s outfit is so cool! btw tho, I noticed you mentioned your character was born in the castle of lions—just wanted to let you know, it was actually only rediscovered and unlocked about 10 years ago in the game’s timeline, so it wouldn’t really make work for your character to be born there, since they’re 27 D: but if you want I can help you come up with a different birthplace :)”

keith, lance, and allura had thus far managed to resist the voltron bug. they just aren’t into mmorpg stuff, they insist. single-player games, sure, but open-world multi-player? sounds weird

lance falls first. Hunk hits him with the puppy dog eyes and its all over for him

he creates the most ridiculously beautiful character he can

“i dont care about whether my guy is a freaking dps or not, hunk, i need him to have an ass like a kardashian. WHERE IS THE BUTT SLIDER HUNK. i have a NICE ASS and i want it IMMORTALIZED IN PIXEL FORM”

he does, in fact, end up picking dps. hunk shows him the archer class and he lights up like a christmas tree

“i know you always wanted to bone legolas, so”

“i wanted to BE legolas, not BONE him, HUNK”

“sure lance”

allura falls next. her and lance’s weekly “self-care spa sessions” turn into lance rambling about all the wacky stuff he and hunk and shiro got up to that week, and she eventually cracks under the pressure because she Hates when there’s a new fad and she doesn’t understand it

“and then this guy came up to us and started roleplaying with us in ALL LOWER CASE and shiro and i wanted to d i e but hunk was all ‘nooo he’s just a newbie in need of some pointers’ and then spent the next TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES giving this guy tips and tricks about grammar and punctuation–”

within 2 days she has gotten almost halfway through leveling her new druid healer because she is Determined damn it

coran, allura’s uncle, also begins playing shortly thereafter. allura never says why exactly, but it does seem to be a direct result of her influence somehow. he plays a gunslinger class because he’s “always wanted to be a ‘rooting & tooting cowboy,’ as you call it!”

for whatever reason, he is Very Good at the game, like freakishly skilled. everyone is kind of afraid to question it so they just accept it and move on

he and pidge are really the only ones who are focusing on the actual game content anymore, so they start doing high-level raids together and then begin to gain something of a reputation as a terrifying duo in player-versus-player combat.

keith is resilient. he is a notoriously stubborn boy and no amount of puppy dog eyes from hunk or persuasive lectures from shiro will convince him to step outside his comfort zone

but lance, well. lance knows exactly how to get keith to do what he wants

“i bet you just know my character’s way cooler than yours would be”

“?? no. i literally dont care about your character or anybody else's”

“huh. guess i will just always be better at video games than you”

“are you seriously still trying to hold your killbot phantasm score over my head. you got lucky”

“i am the peerless king of video games–”

“are you listening to yourself. do you actually hear the words coming from your mouth.”

“–undefeated because you are too much of a coward–”

“fuck OFF send me the fucking download link you loudmouth”

keith takes. forever. to design his character.

lance is leaning over the back of keith’s chair, giving outrageous suggestions (and blatant lies) that keith pointedly ignores

“keith. keith if you give him neon orange hair it boosts your speed, did you know that?”

“choosing big ears gives you greater perception stats keith”

“keith listen to me, you gain the ability to breathe underwater if you choose a broken nose—OW, what the hell–”

keith takes SO LONG that eventually lance has to leave for dance lessons and when he gets back keith is only JUST finishing up

turns out he took so long because he wanted to use every resource available in the game to make the character look like a carbon copy of himself. the end result would have been impressive if it wasn’t so eerily accurate

“you’re seriously naming him keith kogane.”

“it’s my name!”

“keith it’s a ROLEPLAYING game. you’re supposed to play a ROLE”

“and my role is keith kogane.”

“that doesnt even fit the naming conventions for the humans in this game! hunk would be having a FIT right now if he was here”

“good thing he’s not”

keith selects the warrior class because, as lance repeatedly and petulantly insists, he is a “boring basic bitch fuckboy”

“im the fuckboy?? thats rich coming from a guy who plays an archer because he has a big fat crush on orlando bloom in a blond wig”

“HUNK is spreading LIES okay I do NOT have a cru–”

“i dont know what you see in him. he’s literally just a white lotor”

“you TAKE THAT BACK”

to be continued :)

#gfkjhdgfDGF im a mess i spent my ENTIRE day and night on this why am i like this kill me #i havent written anything for vld in a long time and it HIT me and i just got carried away :( perhaps i miss them #klance #video game au #headcanon #vld #moonguilt content

[stillebesat]

i was rereading your stork au (bc i Love It and im so soft for baby logan) and i was kinda wondering how the legal bits work in that universe? like do the storks tell whoever (idk the right government people lol) that ‘x has a kid now’ or do the new parents have to like,, go register or something? idk its just a thought that came to mind after reading

(So happy you love the STORK AU! ^^;; It’s been a favorite of mine to write)

Short Answer: MAGIC!! It fixes everything! ^^;; lol For the most part the STORK’s magic makes pretty much all the necessary changes to all documentation instantaneous as soon as the new parent(s) accept their child. 

Longer Answer below the cut: 

The nice thing about STORKS is that they do have their own brand of magic that helps to facilitate the child’s move to a better family.

Their main magic is used for the changing/erasing of the original parent(s)/guardian(s) memories so that they won’t go looking for the child and to ensure that the child doesn’t have to worry about running into them again. 

But this magic also is used to alter official records that the government (and medical, educational, etc places) keep. Basically if a government person just happened to be looking at the child’s name on their birth certificate when they’re taken by the STORKS and accepted by their new family it would be like a ‘blink and you miss’ it sort of change. One second the name may say Joe Johnson and the next it would be Joe Anderson. (The person may not realize that the name changed or think they misread the name, it’s so quick)-And if the child doesn’t want to keep their name that their original parents gave them, then the paperwork could change to say Andrew Anderson or even Jennifer Anderson depending on what the child wants to be called. Etc. 

-The changes are also very very easy to make for those government systems who have digitized their information. As basically just blip and the necessary information is altered and no one is the wiser. 

The good thing about the government though is that there are billions of people living on the planet and keeping track of every single form for every individual is such a momentous task that unless the person in the government is involved directly with the STORKs (aka they accepted a child from a STORK) it’s unlikely anyone will notice any changes to documents that contain the child’s name. 

The only major difference to most governments is that since most of the time the original parent(s)/guardian(s) believe that their child was killed, there needs to be a paper trail there just in case one is needed. (aka death certificates and insurance claims filed and processed)

-If there is insurance on the child, then there’s the added complication of ensuring that the money was processed and placed in the right accounts so the original parent(s)/guardian(s) aren’t like “Where’s my money?” 

Also what all needs to be changed in the paper trail of the child often depends on the situation that they come from and their age. 

It’s a lot easier on the STORKS when the child hasn’t yet entered school as there are less official records (mostly like a Birth Certificate, Social Security Number, and maybe a couple of medical records.) that need to be altered.

It’s also the reason why most of the STORKs work with babies and toddlers. (And how they got their reputation for carrying babies to parents in the stories) There’s less that needs to be altered to ensure that the child can seamlessly enter into their new family’s lives. 

But if the child is older and in school then there’s more complications and potentially more legwork (including physical visits to differing locations) that the STORK has to complete after uniting the child with their new parents in order to ensure that the no one goes “Oh hey wait what happened to Jimmy who was in class last week?” When the original parents think that the child ‘died’ three years ago.

-Basically if a person was closer to the parents, their memories will shift so that they too think the child is dead.

-If the person was closer to the child, they will forget who the child’s original parents were and remember only the new parents and in most cases will think that left because they moved away. 

But yah. Schools complicate everything because there’s such a paper trail in those buildings. Assignments, Tests, Scores, Assessments, Nurses Visits, etc etc. (again yay for digital stuff as computer records are quite easy to alter for the STORKS.) 

It’s even more complicated in the rarer cases where the ‘child’ is at that near adult stage of 15-17 years old where they may have a job (and all those certifications/background checks, etc) or have received their learner’s permit/driver’s license. 

Because Remy usually deals with infants and toddlers his job isn’t as complicated as other more experienced STORKS who take on the older children in need. 

And because Virgil is Logan’s original Dad, his case is different than most as he can keep his original name as his birth certificate was filed using Virgil’s last name as Logan’s last name and named him as father. 

The main complication is that the Mom is still alive and now believes that Logan is dead. 

-With Remy’s magic she believes that he died in the boating accident along with Virgil because Virgil’s Grandfather told her that Virgil was dead. Now the memories shift to include Logan in that.

So there’s a tricky bit of magic there where you could call it…a mirage. If she were to happen to look at Logan’s birth certificate she would see Logan’s name with her Maiden Name (though since she and Virgil weren’t yet officially married, she never took his last name and hasn’t yet been married to anyone else.) But if Virgil were to look at that exact same certificate, he would see his last name as Logan’s last name.

There will also be a Death Certificate found in the state of Florida that has Logan’s name with his Mother’s Maiden Name on it if the Mom were to need it. 

In very very rare cases. A STORK is unable to properly change memories/paperworkforms because they have to act in the spur of the moment and take the child before a new family can be found for them. In these sort of cases it’s like…’the strings of fate’ -or in this case the ties of family- are violently snapped leaving the child(ren) adrift with no connections to anyone (records vanished, memories people have of the completely gone from their minds leaving holes in memories) until the STORK can get them out of imminent danger and realign them with a better family. 

This happens to Remy when Logan is 14 years old when he rescues nearly 16 year old Roman and Remus from a cousin they lived with who was deadset on killing them. 

Remy basically yanked the twins off the street as they ran by, shielded them with his wings from their cousin’s view and promptly used his magic to ‘break’ every single thread connecting them to their old life because he had no time to be ‘delicate’ when their lives were literally on the line. 

As to the new parent(s), mostly what they have to worry about is what they’re going to tell people when they’re like “Hey…who is this?” The STORK’s magic, however, ensures that whatever story the new parent(s) decide to tell, it will be believed so that the child can be better accepted into their new life. (Though there’s almost always that one distant relative that disproves of everything no matter what you tell them. “Can they even afford to have another child?!” “Adoption?! Why in the world would you subject yourself to that?!”)  

Again with Babies it’s rather easy if there’s a parent involved who can bear children as they will often use the story of “I didn’t know I was pregnant!” With older children the reason can be slightly more complicated and parent(s) have told very simple stories of “we decided we wanted to adopt this little angel” to more complex stories of ��So apparently I actually had twins in the hospital but they told me one died but only now through Ancestry.com did I discover my child had actually survived and after a lot of searching we found each other.” (The STORKS have to shake their heads at some of the stories they’ve heard the parent(s) tell to explain why they suddenly have another child) 

Paperwork wise the parent(s) usually find all the necessary documentation for the child in the mail within the week (after the haze of ‘we have a new child!’ has faded a bit) to ensure that there won’t be difficulties in their future (drivers licenses, passports, job applications, college applications, medical history, etc). 

Again with Virgil and Logan it’s easier in some ways and difficult in others since Logan is Virgil’s biological child. So he can rightfully claim that Logan is his son. 

But it does take Virgil a good two or three days before he feels like he can leave the building with Logan and tell people the story he’s comfortable telling.

Because like….how do you explain to people that your Grandfather didn’t want your fiance to marry you and so he set up the boat explosion to kill them, but somehow they survived, but then he convinced the Mom to fake being dead and then lied to Virgil about the her and Logan’s survival only Virgil discovered years later that they could potentially still be alive and when he ‘found’ them (Virgil never sees the Mom again, Remy is the one who took action to find them before Virgil could get a chance to) and Logan’s Mom could no longer care for him (otherwise Remy wouldn’t have been able to take Logan from his mother) and ‘wanted’ (since she’s not alive) nothing to do with Virgil and so Virgil took Logan back home to live with him and raise.

Yah…Virgil doesn’t tell that story to more than a handful of people. He mostly sticks to “His Mother took him from me, but now can no longer care for him and so I took my son back.” And if they know his situation with his ex-fiance will also state that she ‘faked their deaths and I just discovered they were still alive.”  

But yah, paperwork wise, not much needed to be changed for Logan as he was too young to be in school (at almost five) and his Mom hadn’t enrolled him in preschool and had stopped taking him to daycare a good year before when she realized he could take care of himself well enough that she could leave him home while she was at work and not worry about him burning down the house (and save $$$ in the process) so no one would question why he no longer was coming. 

Hope that answers your questions! Let me know if you have any more. :D

#STORK AU #neglectful parents tw #death talk tw #attempted murder tw

[catalinda04]

Carried Away Chapter 39: That Was Bound to Happen

Masterlist

Lucy spent most of the day Sunday trying to overcome her jet lag, and preparing for the coming week. The first week after a break was always a little rough, with everyone trying to get back into the rhythm of the school day.

Lucy was dragging when she arrived to her classroom on Monday morning. Her body clock was refusing to acclimate to the new time zone, and she was in need of a serious influx of caffeine if she was going to make it through the day.

She was sipping on her second can of Diet Coke when one of her homeroom students knocked on her door. Lucy looked up and beckoned the girl in.

“Feliz Año Nuevo Patricia.” She greeted the small brunette senior.

“Happy New Year Ms. C.” Patricia replied. “Did you do anything fun over break?” The girl asked conversationally, sitting on one of the student desks near Lucy’s teacher desk.

“Not really. The usual. Some friends had a get together for New Year’s. I made an appearance. Otherwise not much. How about you? How was your break?” Lucy asked the girl.

Patricia ignored her teacher’s question and handed Lucy two folded pieces of paper Lucy hadn’t noticed she’d been holding. “So that isn’t you, dancing with Tom Hiddleston? Because it really looks like you.” Lucy looked at the blurry pictures in shock. They had obviously been taken during her swing dance with Tom. The pictures were blurry enough, due to the low light in the room and their enthusiastic dancing, unless she confirmed, no one would know it was her in the picture.

“No, sorry hon. That’s not me.” Lucy lied. “Though she’s obviously a very lucky lady, getting to dance with Tom.”

“Are you sure? Because she’s wearing the same dress as this woman who looks just like you, from the red carpet of that event.” Patricia said, handing another paper across the desk. This one was perfectly clear. She stood sparkling next to Henry on the red carpet before the Beckham’s party. There was no denying this one WAS her.

Lucy heaved a sigh. “How many of you guys know?” She asked.

“Oh, it’s everywhere. Stephanie posted one of the pictures to her Instagram, and it spread like wildfire. “So who are you dating? Tom, or Henry Cavill?” Lucy pinched the bridge of her nose in an attempt to stifle the migraine she could feel forming behind her eyes.

“Henry. Tom and I just danced together.” Lucy smiled at the memory, then stood. “I have to go talk to Mr. Andersen. Thank you for letting me know Patricia.” Lucy stood, and walked with the girl to the door.

“So is Tom a good dancer?” she asked before they parted.

Lucy smiled warmly, “Oh yeah.”

Lucy knocked on the door to the principal’s office, Patricia’s pictures in hand. “Erik, can we talk?” She asked tentatively.

The sandy haired man looked up from his computer. “Sure Lucy, come in.” he indicated the chair in front of his desk.

Lucy entered the office, and shut the door behind her.

“This must be serious. What’s going on?” He asked, concern coloring his features.

“It’s nothing in my classroom, everything’s going great. But I think my personal life might be making a rude intrusion into the classroom.”

“Are you pregnant?” Erik blurted out.

“No, I’m not pregnant, but while I was in London this past summer, I met someone and we’ve started dating. A few of the other staff know, but the kids don’t, or rather didn’t know until just a few days ago. He’s in the public eye, and we were photographed at a New Year’s party together. One of the kids saw the pictures and now they’re everywhere. The pictures aren’t bad, mostly red carpet, and one of me dancing.” She handed the pictures across to him.

He examined the pictures, noting the tall, dark, handsome, man next to Lucy. “I’m not sure where your concern is coming from though. Teachers have dated before.”

“The American press don’t know who I am, so if they do, it could become an issue for the school. And aside from that, one of Henry’s, that’s his name Henry Cavill, biggest roles had a lot of nudity. Like a lot. Not porn or anything, but Showtime.” Erik nodded in understanding. “So I’m just giving you a heads up in case a parent decides to take issue, or if I send a kid down here for making inappropriate remarks.”

“Well, Ms. Claussen, I appreciate you keeping me in the loop. And if a parent decides to make a fuss, I’ll simply remind them that your personal life is none of their damn business.”

“Thank you Erik.” Lucy said gratefully.

“Anytime. Though before you go, I have to ask, what’s he been in? He looks so familiar.”

“The Showtime thing was the Tudors, and then there was Man of Steel, he plays Superman.”

Erik’s eyes grew wide “Superman‽ Do you think he’d…”

“No.” Lucy cut him off with a smile. “Have a good day Mr. Andersen.”

“Keep fighting the good fight Ms. Claussen.” the principal said as Lucy left his office.

Lucy walked back to her room, trying not to make eye contact with any of the students trying to gain her attention. Upon entering her room, she found 3 students standing in a group by the door, waiting for her. She slapped on a fake smile, “Hey guys, what can I help you with this morning?”

“We’re just wondering if it’s true?” Jay, one of her drama students asked.

“Yes, Jay, it’s true, we’re back from break. You have to be in class all day. I’m sorry.” Lucy replied, deliberately misunderstanding him.

“No, Ms. C. Is it true you’re dating Henry Cavill?”

“Jay, darling, I love you, but my personal life is none of your business. Now I need to make a phone call, so if you three don’t need anything from me other than to pry into my personal life, I’m going to ask you to go, and I’ll see you all at rehearsal after school. You all better be off script by this afternoon.” The three students looked dejected, but did as they were asked. Lucy knew that would not be the last of that kind of questioning she would receive before the day was out.

She locked her door, to avoid any more intrusions, and called Henry first. “Good morning pumpkin!” Henry answered cheerfully on the third ring.

“Good afternoon Darcy.” Lucy replied, not quite as cheerfully, which he picked-up on.

“What’s wrong?”

“The cat is out of the bag. The kids know about us.” She admitted.

“You knew this had to happen sooner or later.”

“I know, I was just hoping to have more control over when and how it happened.” Lucy admitted. “Like just showing up to an event with you, letting the kids draw their own conclusions.”

“What are you worried about?”

“First I don’t like the kids prying into my personal business, but more than that, the American press doesn’t know who I am. That’s bound to change now. Not to mention knowing that about 80% of my students have seen my boyfriend’s ass is a little disconcerting.” Henry’s laugh barked over the phone connection. “I just don’t want to cause any problems at the school.”

“Well, darling, you knew it was bound to happen.”

“I did. I guess my biggest worry is that one of the kids is going to tip off the press, and it's going to become a headache for me and the school.”

“Tell you what, I’ll call Will and then tell you what he thinks.” Henry soothed.

“Actually, why don’t I call Will? Then nothing can get lost in translation. I need his number though.” Lucy asked. Henry supplied her with the number and after a few more reassurances that everything would be fine, they disconnected.

Thankful for her first hour prep time, Lucy called Will right away. She explained the whole situation, and he gave her some tips on how to handle it, should press start showing up at the school, which both he and she felt was pretty unlikely.

Lucy felt much better about everything by the time the bell rang for her second period class. She noticed some odd looks from kids as they filed in and took their seats. She took attendance and started class.

“Now hopefully all of you logged into your Drive over break and saw that I graded your projects. Overall I was pleased with your results. Does anyone have any questions about why something was marked the way it was, or how it should have been done?”

A girl with raven hair raised her hand. “Yes, Pabla, what is your question?”

“Are you really dating Superman?�� She asked with wide eyes. An awkward silence fell over the room as the seconds stretched on. Lucy gave the girl her best, “I am not amused” look.

She heaved a sigh, deciding to face this head on. “It seems we’re not going to get anything done today until I address this. No, I am not dating Superman. Superman is a fictional character. I AM, however, dating the actor that is currently playing Superman. He and I went to a New Year’s Eve party thrown by friends of his. No, I will not get you an autograph, or connect you with some other minimally linked celebrity. That is all I am going to say, because my personal life is none of your concern and I would appreciate if you all respect my privacy as well as his.” Lucy felt like she was going to need to print that line on a t-shirt.

The raven haired girl spoke-up again. “But it IS true? And you danced with Tom Hiddleston.”

“Yes, I also danced with Chris Evans, David Beckham, and Luke Evans. It was that kind of party. Now enough. Does anyone have any questions pertaining to this class and your project scores?”

By the time lunch rolled around Lucy was mentally exhausted. Lucy dragged herself to the staff lounge, needing the caffeine in the Coke machine located there. She plopped into a chair and cracked the can with a satisfying

‘kschhhhh”.

“You’re the talk of the building today.” Anne-Marie commented from across the table. Lucy rested her head on her folded arms on the table.

“I know. I don’t know what surprises the kids more, the fact that I’m dating a celebrity, or the fact that I’m dating in general. Hopefully the appeal will wear off quickly.”

“So how is everything going between you two?” Anne-Marie asked.

“Great, he’s flying in tomorrow to come stay with me until he’s needed for press for his new movie.” Lucy informed, with a smile even her exhaustion couldn't stifle.

“That’s a big step, moving in together.”

“It’s not REALLY moving in together, he still has his place. It’s just, his place is in London. Being together over the holiday made us realize we need to spend more time together to get to know each other better.”

“Well, my dear, I wish you the best. And good luck with the rest of the day.”

“Thanks.” Lucy said sarcastically.

The last two hours of the day went similarly to the first three. She made similar speeches in each class. Stating the facts, and telling the kids to butt out, as tactfully as she could. Once the final bell rang Lucy heaved a sigh of relief. She had survived the day, all that was left was play practice.

She had managed to convince her assistant Speech coach to take on all of the meets for the year, in exchange for her getting the head coach’s stipend instead of the assistant coach’s. But she couldn’t, and wouldn’t, give up her drama kids. The One Act Play competition group were her babies. She’d formed a special bond with the group, and they were counting on her.

The group was sitting together laughing on the stage in the school’s commons when Lucy approached them. They stopped talking when she moved in front of them.

“Ms. C, it’s really not cool that you’ve been keeping this from us.” Audrey, one of the more dramatic members of the group accused.

“Audrey, please watch your tone. As for the rest of you. As I told Jay this morning, my personal life is none of your business, but I am sorry that I lied to you. I will answer one question from each of you, provided it’s an appropriate question.

Jay asked the first question. “How did you two meet?” Lucy smiled as she recounted the tale of Kal and the coffee shop.

“Are you going to leave us?” was Audrey’s question.

“Honestly guys, I can’t tell you yes or no. I can guarantee I’ll be here this year, that’s all I could ever promise. You never know what life is going to throw at you. But I promise I will be honest with you if I plan to leave.

The rest of the questions were similar, either banal questions about her relationship, or worry about the future of the group. Lucy was proud of her kids. They respected her as much as they liked her.

That night as she was getting ready to go to bed, Henry called.

“I am on my way to the airport my darling. While you’re dreaming of me, I will be winging my way toward you.” Henry said, before stifling a yawn.

“I WILL be dreaming about you, Darcy. Have a great flight, er, flights. Please text me when you land and when you’re driving north. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, but we will be together soon my Pumpkin. I love you.”

“I love you more.” Lucy replied, disconnecting the call. She found it hard to sleep, her excitement building even though it would be more than 18 hours until Henry was there. Lucy wasn’t sure what the coming weeks would bring, but she knew she would not be the same after.

Chapter 38                 Chapter 40

#Henry Cavill #Henry Cavill fanfic #Henry Cavill fan fic #Henry Cavill fanfiction #Henry Cavill fan fiction #Carried Away

[artisticestheticreads]

U Got It Bad

[U Don’t Have to Call by Usher plays]

AMIR

   It was a month before prom and after that was graduation. I was driving us to school in a black Jordan sweatsuit and it was two months ago when V and I kissed for the first time. She wore a pair of jeans, navy blue crop top and white Vans. We only had two classes all Spring and her track season was over so she would watch me at practice. I really wanted to go with V to prom but Cassidy was my girlfriend after all; she was really getting on my damn nerves but I felt bad to cut her off. We got to school and went through our usual classes which were separate for the first time ever. When our nutrition period came along, she hung with Taylor and her old team while I was with Jerry and my team. I would watch her every few seconds from across the way while she was talking to the girls. She would sit on the table while they looked up at her like...like she was a queen; and she was. I would just nod to the fellas and gave them the casual dap or whatever so they knew I was “paying attention”. Jeremiah was on our way to the computer lab/ library to work on a final assignment due. We sat a table and while I studied with my headset on, Jerry tapped my shoulder. “Did you do it yet?” I was still working on assignment and answered him. “Do what?” He closed my my book and looked at me. “Cut Cassidy loose.” I opened my book again and said “nah, man.” I went back to reading and jotting down some notes when he looked around and leaned closer to me. 

     “Lemme ask you something.” I looked at him and leaned back; this nigga was too close. “Why you really want to take V to prom?” I rolled my eyes and back to my book. “Because..she’ll be alone and apparently she saying no to every nigga around her.” Jeremiah looked at me and said “you still feelin’ V, man. And that ain’t a question, ma nigga. You got it bad as fuck. She got you sprung. And it’s okay. You even convinced the whole track team to vote her turn for prom queen. You got her thinking it was just coincidence.” I looked at him and said “what that gotta do about me feeling her?” He slammed my book closed and took it from me. “Ma nigga. You are always protecting, looking out for her and shit, you talk about her all the time, I know yo punk ass be thinking about her and then you gawk at her...I saw you earlier dawg.”

      I snatched my book back and told him to “shut the fuck up”. He was just talking shit like always but he kinda had a point. At lunch, Cassidy and I stood in the hall together. She was a beautiful girl with a light caramel complexion and full lips but those lips were always fucking talking. She was rambling on and on and that was the time I decided to... “WHAT YOU MEAN YOU DON’T WANNA BE WITH ME NO MO?” I leaned against the locker and explained myself. “Cassidy, you annoy the fuck outta me. All. The. Time. I swear I feel like a nigga getting gray hairs and shit.” She folded her arms and said “where the fuck is this all comin’ from?” “Been that way for a while, little momma.” She looked me in my face and said “I see what’s up. You wanna take that bitch, Veronica.” I side eyed her and said “watch ya mouth, Cassidy.” She wasn’t wrong though. She said “really? Before prom?” I was in the middle of apologizing when until she smacked the taste outta my mouth. I watched her walk away when V walk passed her with water bottle in her hand. “What happened wit you?” She looked at me with those eyes I instantly got lost. “Nothin. So, what you doing out here, kid”, I said while I rubbed my jaw. She held her cold water bottle to my face and said “I was just lookin’ for yo ass. While yo getting smacked around, J and Tay having a make out session and I loss my appetite. “We laughed and chilled for the rest of the lunch period. Our last game was in a few days and I decided to ask V before the game. She kissed me o the cheek and I walked off with a smile.

VERONICA

[Hot in Here by Nelly] 

   It was game time and I wore the gifts that Amir gave me before it started. I sat on the front row of the bleachers and watched as everyone filed in. Tay and her team did there routine to the marching band version of “Hot In Here” to start the game. She had her hair up in high bun and in front as over. As the players for both teams came out, the girls were all came to the other side of the bleachers. They called out “#1 AMIR CARTER” and everyone went crazy, including me. The game started and his coach looked back at me; he waved me to come join the team on the sidelines, which wasn’t the first time. I watched the game and cheered as loud I can. My favorite play of the game was when they pulled a “draw”. That’s a disguised run, which means it initially looks like a pass play. The offensive linemen draw back like they’re going to pass-protect for the quarterback. The quarterback then drops back and, instead of setting up to pass, he turns and hands the ball to the runner. It was only one minute until the second quarter was over, Taylor bent over to my left side she said “hey, V.” 

     I was trying to watch the game because I have always been into football. “Hey, girl. Y’all did great earlier.” She smiled and said “so, I heard about Cassidy and Amir?” I followed my arms still into the game. “Yeah, She better hope I don’t catch her outside of school.” Taylor asked “girl, why? Now, it’s your chance.” Fuck, Tay. I’m trynna watch the game. “Chance for what, T”, I asked while I rolled my eyes. She nudged my shoulder and said “to make your move, girl. You’ve liked that negro for years on in and now he is free for the taking.” I turned to her and said “It ain’t nothing like dat.” All of a sudden the crowd cheered and the announcer yelled “TOUCHDOWN! MADE BY AMIR “THE  BIG MAN” CARTER.” I turned back to the field and said “damn it, T. You made me miss it!” She poked my shoulder. “Girl, you need to try and get wit him. You obviously luh-” I swung around and my face stopped in front of her face. “One of these days, Ima sock the shit outta you, girl.”

    Taylor went off with her team to start warming up for the halftime show. They stood while the actual studio version of Trina’s “Pull Over” played and started their dance. They was putting their all into and the crowd loved it from both teams. Even though I watched, I couldn’t help but think about what Taylor said earlier. I couldn’t. Did I? Before you know it, there was only four minutes of the game and other team had the ball; the score was 21-23 and we were down. All we need was another touchdown and we can win it all which meant we had to get the ball somehow. I saw Amir and waved before he got in position, he nodded and looked at the guy in front of. I watched as his happy expression turn to something fierce which was the same face he made when someone was fuckin’ wit him. As soon as the clock started, Amir tackled homeboy to the ground hard and the ball flew in the air; Jerry caught it and ran. “RUN, NEGRO!!! GO. GO.”

    He was gone like a freed slave. All the players followed behind as he ran and they protected him by hitting the opposite team out his way. It was such a beautiful flawless play. We scored but I didn’t see “CARTER #1″ until I looked back to the middle. The guys were still on the ground and were down. I ran to Amir with the coach, the other players saw and came to his side. I took his helmet off and saw a little blood but it wasn’t bad; trust me, I’ve seen way worst. I lied his head on my thighs and coach gave me a first aid kit. I killed the wound, put a band- aid on it and place an ice pack on his head; his eyes slowly opened. I held up to fingers and asked “Mir, how many am I holding up?” He looked up at me and said “two, V. Am I still pretty?” That damn smile of his. I rolled my eyes and dropped his head outta my lap by mistake. “Ma bad” I said as I placed his head in my lap.

[Always on Time by Ja Rule plays]

    It was now eight hours before prom and I was picking up the final touches for tonight at the local mall. My mom dragged me around every store to look for accessories, like everywhere. I got my nails, brows done and from some reason my moms though it was good idea to get a wax; worst thing ever. We went by Claires, finally was on our way back home and I took a quick shower. As soon as I did and sat in the chair for my mom to do my hair, I got a phone call.  “Hey, Amir.” “Hey, kid. You ready for tonight?” I oiled my body and my head was in my moms hands. “Yeah but my moms is doing my hair right now.” “Awe, you gettin’ all dolled up for me. I am so honored” he said in his sarcastic, annoying tone. I rolled my eyes like he can see me and said “Shut up, Amir. Anyways, your mom is over here doing my make up.” “You got a whole glam squad over there huh?” “I guess. So, what we doin’ after prom?” He said “shit probably just eat.” Oh, I got something for you to eat. “Where we gonna eat at?” He said “probably some pizza joint. or Checkers.” “Coo. Well, I gotta go because my “squad” needs me. I see you later, cuh.” I hung up and it seemed like hours passed by until they were done. They wouldn’t show me until I slipped on everything and when they finally did, I looked unrecognizable. “Whoa...”

AMIR

    I let V choose the colors; black, silver, peach and white. I bought a new black tux with a peach vest and bow tie, white dress shirt and black dress shoes. My waves were on point, made sure I had V’s white corsage and a peach rose in my jacket pocket. I put on my class ring and grabbed my keys on my way to V’s. She had a small champagne party in front of her house with ton of people. Her pops and mine were on the front yard with the rest of our family as we waited for what felt like hours. It was about fifteen minutes later until I saw my moms, Amari and Teresa come out. Amari announced “ladies and gentlemen, Veronica Nami Mitchellson.”

    My eyes fell on the figure that strolled out in a silk peach dress that had a slit to show her beautiful dark legs and matching open toes heels that showed off her freshly painted toes. Her arms, collarbone along with her cleavage was exposed due to the deep v-neck cut. She had on a silver bracelet, decent sized hoops and natural make up with glossy full lips. Her hair was in a side bun. She held a silver clutch in her left hand and her hips swayed from left to right; her eyes fell on me and smiled as I looked at her in an awe. I walked up to her and placed the corsage on her right wrist. I looked at her and said “you look great, V.” She smiled at me and said “you too, Amir.” She straighten my suit jacket and I fixed her strap.

     Everyone started to flash their cameras and we stood side by side posing. She grabbed my right and into her left and smiled at the cameras as I looked at her. We got into the car and I began to drive as her hand went back into my hand. The ride was silent but we were comfortable with it. We soon arrived to the school and I parked in a spot. I got out and before she did the same, I stopped her. I walked over to her side of the car, held out my hand for her and she took it. We walked in hand as people watched us but I only saw Veronica. She was glowing and everything that the sun was jealous of her.

     We walked into the gym and it didn’t even look like a gym anymore. The theme was Spring Fling and the committee did a hell of a job. There were flowers everywhere, circular tables in green and pink table clothes. Drapes all over the place and a wide dance floor with a stage in front. A lot of people were already inside and it was heard to find our small group until we saw Jerry waving us down. Taylor hugged V and complimented her while Jerry and I mocked the girl; we all sat down and talked for a while but honestly I was only listening to V while Angel by Shaggy played in the background. After like an hour, Veronica and Taylor went to the bathroom and left us alone. “V looks good man. I know you happy.” I nodded and said “yeah, I am. Cassidy would’ve ruined everything.” He agreed. “Straight up. So, you getting after prom?” I shrugged and said “shit just hang out.” “Well, T and I getting a room so we can get it in, ya feel me” he said as he leaned. I shook my head, chuckled and said “yeah. Yeah” as I sipped my punch. He was quiet then he said “y’all should get one.” I side eyed him and said “what you mean....”

VERONICA 

     “We should get a room”, I asked as Tay fixed her curls. “He look like he boutta pounce on that ass, girl.” “No, he ain’t, girl. Shut up." She looked at me through the mirror. “V, I’m serious. I think its about that time.” I placed  my hands on hips. She put her hand on my shoulders. “Maybe, you waited all this time because you want HIM to be the first. Here me out, you have never had a boyfriend, never even had your first kiss and you’ve never had your cherry popped either. And why is that?”I hit her hands off me and said “because I ain’t ready, Tay.” “Because you’re waiting for Amir, Veronica.”

    We left the bathroom finally and I sat by Amir at our table. We laughed and talked the whole night as if we did every time we hung out. I would sometimes just lean on my hand, look at him as he talked and he would copy. I seemed to have my hand fly at his shoulder and never taking it off until I caught Tay staring at me with a smug look. Amir and I were dancing, acting fools and just having a good time. I always enjoyed his company because he wasn’t like the other niggas at school. The guys there seemed just talk to me because I looked decent to them but Amir wasn’t like that. He knew what guys were capable of so he taught me all I knew to get them off my “dick”. 

    He always seemed to care about me and I never felt alone at all. If he wasn’t around, I was so hopeless and bored. We dance so many songs from the 90′s to the 2000′s; we didn’t care though. 

AMIR

[Don’t Mess with My Man by Nivea plays]

      Veronica had her soft hands on my shoulders and was lip syncing to me while I nodded and we was grooving.

“It was hard to find a brotha that was down for me So I'm tellin everybody let him be Cause he's mine and I can't take no pigeons tryna take my baby So I thought I had to let you know Find someone that you can call your own Cause now you're walkin in the danger zone And if I touch you I'll be wrong .”

   She sung the chorus, I watched her while I licked my lips and rubbed my hands making her laugh. I brought her hips closer to me with both hands I started to the male’s part

“It was hard to find a girl that's really down for me Seems like a lot of niggas tryin me Cause they tryna take my baby, oh what the hell So now you really better check yourself Messin with my girl is bad for your health and So you know you will be dealt with Better find your own girl.”

    She was watching me with those big, brown eyes, I couldn’t help but just stare back until the song faded into

“TO THE WINDOW, TO THE WALL”

     The mood was gone when “Get Low” by Lil John started playing. Everyone was dancing and acting a fool. I saw J and Tay with her bent over popping hard as hell, hoping her dress didn’t rise up. V and I saw them and it seemed like we made the same stank face expression. We just danced with our hands in the air then the part where they were like

“Now back, back, back it up A back, back, back it up A back, back, back it up A back, back, back it up Now stop then wiggle wit it Now stop then wiggle wit it Now stop then wiggle wit it Now stop then wiggle wit it.” 

   Veronica turned her back to me leaning on my chest, I held her hips and she whined into my pelvis; she never left that place especially when the next song came on.

“It's the remix to ignition Hot and fresh out the kitchen Mama rollin' that body Got every man in here wishin' Sippin' on coke and rum I'm like so what I'm drunk It's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to have me some fun.”

    Her whining became slower but harder. I could feel J’s eyes on us when he was checking us out; I looked up at him. Taylor had her back turned to him and he grabbed her hips while bringing in her in closer while rolling on her; he looked at me to make sure I did the same. I brought Veronica in slowly to the beat of the song and I can feel her directly on my dick while I began rolling into her. I looked back at Jeremiah and he slid his right hand onto Tay’s stomach; I followed. I bit my lip trying to keep my composure until...

VERONICA

“I don't know what you heard about me But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see That I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P.”

   I stood up straight and thanked Black Jesus for changing the song because I was honestly getting hot and bothered while dancing. Amir was holding me so close that I can feel everything and I do mean everything. I turned to him dancing and we two stepped together. He brought me closer to him by my hips and I can feel myself literally melt at his touch. He still was dancing like normal while looking around and I did the same. After a few more songs, some kids from marching band brought out some horns and blew them.

 The DJ said “it is time that we have all been waiting for. It is time to announce prom king and queen!! I would like to bring out our dear principal, Mrs. Angela Divine.” Everyone cheered as she took the stage and spoke.”Hello, class of 2004. I am very happy with how this year has gone. I have watch everyone of you grow from young children to young ladies and gentlemen. If you don’t win tonight or were not nominated, just now that you all are royality. As you can see, we rolled out the red carpet for prom king and queen nominees. Now, I will be calling the king nominees first and they walk down and come stand on my left then ladies will do the same and stand to my right.” She pulled out a paper and began reading. “Okay. Monty Wilkerson. William H. Montana.” People cheered as they each went down then she said “Amir Carter”; everyone went crazy as he got on stage.

    She looked at the guys and smile saying “aren’t you handsome?” Amir fixed his bowtie and did the famous sexy Denzel face. Everyone laughed and I rolled my eyes. “Now, it’s time for the ladies.” She read the paper and said “Monica Jones”; people cheered. “Cassidy Montgomery”; they cheered but she wasn’t around. “Oh, I guess she didn’t attend. Well, let’s continue.” She read the paper and with a smile she said “Veronica N. Mitchellson.” Everyone cheered as I walked down the carpet. I hugged a few people from my team before reaching the stage. I stood closer to Mrs. Divine and looked over at Amir. He smiled and winked at me. Lord Jesus that smile. I just rolled my as I smiled back and looked into the crowd. The drum roll began as the crowns came out to be presented; Mrs. Divine held up the card and opened a bit before announcing. Alright now. The 2004 Prom King is” She opened the card and said “Mr. Amir Carter.” Everyone cheered as he shook the hands of the other nominees and he stood behind crown; putting it on.

    Now, the 2004 Prom Queen is.. oh. She looked into the crowd and said “Cassidy Montgomery. “Some people looked around confused and I just stood there. I didn’t really care about prom queen in the first place but it was kinda awkward just standing there. Like, Cassidy wasn’t there. Amir looked back at me and just shook his head; I shrugged and smiled. Mrs. Divine put her lips to the microphone to talk. “Well since Cassidy isn’t here then the next nominee will take her place as queen. So, Amir who should we pick?” He looked back at us, held his hand out and said “gotta have my best friend as the queen.”

AMIR    

    While everyone cheered, she took my hand and stood next to me. V started to reach for the crown but I got it from her and slowly placed it on her head. I walked down a few steps, turned to her, smiled and held my hand out; “My Boo” was playing in the background when she took it and followed me to the dance floor. We started to slow dance and we looked into each other’s faces; those damn eyes. I looked at her lips and looked around as everyone watched us dance. They looked so soft and I wanted to kiss her so bad but now with everyone; I gave her forehead a kiss and felt her blush when a stir of awes came at us. We chuckled together and continued. She placed her right hand on my chest and lied her head next to it. I rubbed her back and we still danced; she made me want to take care of her even more. Before the night came to an end, we took tons of pictures and danced more.

     We finally were on our way to Miramar Beach with a large meat lover pizza, a case of DG Jamaican Kola Champagne Soda in pineapple and two slices of red velvet cake. I lied my jacket down she can sit, we took our shoes and crowns off and set them to the side; we dug right in and talked afer. I asked “so, did you have fun tonight?” “Yeah, I did. How about you?” I nodded then she asked “so, I guess I wasn’t supposed to be prom queen. Was you mad?” “Hell yeah. They probably did that because they thought we was still together. She didn’t deserve it anyways. She was rude, mean as hell.” V sipped her drink and said “then, why date her?” Why was I with her? “She was just there, I guess. She was cool at first but after a while, psh, I was over it. Wish I called it off earlier.” We both looked at the water and she asked “is it me or did tonight kinda feel like a wedding reception?” 

    I chuckled and opened a new soda. “That’s just you, cuh.” “Y’know, I wanna get married one day and have my own family.” I raised brow and asked “really?” “Yeah. Don’t you”, she said looking at me; Ishrugged and nodded. “Well, I want an outdoor ceremony surrounded with so many flower petals. I want a simple gown with a silk head wrap and simple make up because we both know that I’m damn sure not about to spend hours on getting ready.” I smiled and looked at her when she talked again. “Then, when I become a multi-selling singer, my girls are gonna be set. Two beautiful chocolate babies with the chunkiest faces and all. Then, we will have a chocolate lab or a rottweiler like your dog. We’ll have a house big enough for us in South Beach. My oldest child are gonna write music together and become a dynamic duo.  

   She was being too damn cute. “You really put thought into it huh?” She smile and nodded; I would definitely remember that for the future. “Well, I actually want girls too but four of them and they’ll be daddy’s girls. They’ll be on tour with me and we’ll travel all over the world. They moms and I are gonna make sure they always good. She looked at me and said “that sounds nice.” I looked back at her and smiled. “Let’s make a deal but it’ll just be between us. If we haven’t met anyone by the age of thirty then we gotta marry each other. We can raise a family and everything. If you’re up for it.” She bit her lip and nodded. “Sure. Deal.” We shook hands and smiled at each other then it happened. She gave me a peck on the lips. Like it wasn’t too fast or two slow but I enjoyed. “I owed you one, Amir.” I nodded and laughed in my chest as she lied her head on my shoulder and us holding hands. Best night ever.

♥TAGGED LOVES♥: @muse-of-mbaku @im5ftbutmythroat66 @chaneajoyyy@melanin-samii @theunsweetenedtruth @doux-ciel @unicornluvin8765@vikkidc @wakandantings @thadelightfulone @mzamethystp @simbiann@tropicalsun10 @babydoll756 @notoriouslynay @vminax @quinsly@pinkdemolition @quietstorm-73 @chaoticcashfancroissant @bugngiz@chocolatedippedinhoney @yafavcocoa @lostgalaxies

[musescore-com]

MuseScorer of the month: Celthyan

As you’ve probably noticed, we are back with the MuseScorer Of The Month series, featuring one of MuseScore.com’s brilliant members each month of the year. Last month you met Mike Magatagan. He makes wonderful arrangements of baroque music and also writes his own compositions, check his profile for great scores.

And now please welcome: the MuseScorer Of April - Nicolas Berland aka Celthyan !

Nicolas is “a French 18 year-old boy, living near Orléans in the center of France”, playing music since he was 4 years old. He composes quite often using his computer (MuseScore notation software) and improvises on piano every day.

In this interview I’ve shortened his name (Nicolas Berland) to “N.B.” and my name (Alexander Tyukaev) to “A.T.”

A.T.: First of all, thanks for your great compositions, I really like the melodies and the feeling that is “inside” your music! I’ve also noticed that your pieces sound like soundtracks to some movies. Can you agree with that?

N.B.: Indeed, most of my compositions might sound like movie music. In fact, this happens mostly because I have listened to orchestral music since I discovered an artist called Brunuhville. I rapidly moved to Two Steps From Hell. Naturally, I think I have taken inspiration from them. But the fact, that my works often sound like movie music, is really natural. I couldn't compose, for example, jazz or blues or rap. My favorite composers are: Thomas Bergersen, John Williams, Lizzapie and Karl Edh. On MuseScore.com I came across maybe a hundred brilliant members, whom I consider to be truly talented! But I take the greatest inspiration from Thomas Bergersen. I try not to listen too much to his compositions, so as to keep my own style.

A.T.: And can you describe your process of composing or at least tell me something about that?

N.B.: I think, composing is a way to express myself, since I've got some difficulties in real life. Usually I just write down a melody I've got in my head. But a strong one, a one that is easy to get. But often I hear (in my head) epic music with saturated staccato trumpets and trombones playing loudly with strings playing strange arpeggios...; some glorious themes actually, but it is almost impossible to write down.And sometimes I just put notes into MuseScore and let my imagination go.

A.T.: I know, that many people, who start composing at some point, are actually coming from some musical-talented families. What is your case?

N.B.: Concerning my family, there is my brother, he is 22, plays violin; he also composes, but does it rarely. My sister is 23, she plays electric guitar and electric bass. My mother plays piano, drums and electric bass. My father, nonetheless, doesn't play anything.

A.T.: So, I guess I was right, when I thought that you might have a “musical family”. And what about yourself? Where did you study musiс/composing and which instrument(s) do you play?

N.B.: I am basically self-taught. I started taking lessons only when I turned 12 or 13. But I can’t say that the lessons improved my skills a lot. At the moment I am working hard on my dexterity (on piano) - to play faster and more accurate. I also play violin a little bit and I “touch” drums.

A.T.: Sounds great! But let’s return to composing. You are using MuseScore for that purpose, and you also share your works via MuseScore.com website. How did you discover it?

N.B.: I discovered MuseScore thanks to my brother who was looking for good music notation software some years ago. I think, that both being able to share the scores I create and knowing that people enjoy my compositions boost me wildly! The magic of music is mostly that it is the only international language.

A.T.: Your melodies are really beautiful. I wonder how you choose the instruments to play those melodies and how you make your arrangements. Do you use an orchestral template in MuseScore or something like that?

N.B.: When I am facing an empty orchestral sheet, I really don't know where to begin or what to write. So my idea is just beginning to choose the instruments I want, for example: 2 violins, 2 violas, 2 cellos and 1 contrabass, some brass. Then I write down the melody. I keep in my head that a musical theme for epic music "should" be played by horns (trumpets), whereas trombones might have some “accompanying” parts. But it depends on the feeling I want to give to my listeners and on the music itself.

A.T.: Do you have some kind of “special message” in your compositions?

N.B.: Not each piece I’ve composed includes “a message”. But some of them really have got a strong one. For example, "I Will Come Back" is one of the strong and intense pieces of music I've ever composed, although the soundfont I used at that moment wasn't very good. This is the only piece that can make me cry, while I am listening to it (depends on my mood). "Ode to a Homeless" has a strong message too. It is very sad to see people laying in the street, waiting for money, waiting for help. And a story of a homeless girl, told by my host family in Scotland, gave me this sad melody. "Friendship Sparkle" is basically composed “for the departure” of a YouTuber called TheFantasio974 that I liked pretty much. He stopped “YouTube-ing”, so I composed this theme thinking of the duet he was doing with his best friend, Bob Lennon.

A.T.: I suppose that you are using something different from MuseScore default soundfont in your works (I can hear it). What sound is that? Are you using some external synth or VST?

N.B.: The soundfont, I could deal with this subject for an hour. It is a homemade one that I created with the software Polyphone using samples I recorded by myself or found on the internet. Basically, I created it for a prank for my brother by recording the Minecraft zombies sound for fun. Then I trained myself to use Polyphone, and the idea of creating my own soundfont came. I began with the strings. I took some samples from other soundfonts that I mixed and mixed again with Audacity, and then I added other samples I recorded using my keyboard...I am still improving the sound. Then I tried to make percussion sounds, it is easier to do, since there are no long tones to loop, I am still using instruments from other soundfonts like flute, clarinet... The soundfont work might have taken about 80 or 90 hours in total, spread over 1 year, of course. I also use sometimes some free VST on FL Studio and the free version of Kontakt. (I never buy anything : everyone can afford to get what I have).

A.T.: Really good job, I must say, your scores sound good. Thanks for conversation, Nicolas! Just one last traditional (but still very important) question: what have you shared on MuseScore.com that you are most proud of?

N.B.: I would like MuseScore users to notice my piece called "Welcome 2018" :

"Welcome 2018" by Celthyan

Second place in my list is taken by "Friendship Sparkle", and then comes "World of Wonders"

Generally speaking, It is very difficult for me to be proud of one piece more than of another one. I post a score only when it sounds perfectly to my ears, exactly like I expected it to sound. I think that "World of Wonders" is one of my favorite ones at the moment (except for, perhaps, the epic projects I will release soon which, I think, will be performed on scene).

P.S. Just wanted to put a spotlight on Celthyan’s piece I especially enjoyed to listen to, this is "Friendship Sparkle"

"Friendship Sparkle" by Celthyan

Thanks for reading and watch for our next MuseScorer of the month in June!

Yours, Alexander T.

[artdjgblog]

Innerview: M.L. / ​University of the Arts, Philadelphia, PA

April 2008

Image: MO Fine Arts Academy Name Badge / Logo: Roman Duszek

Note: ​Interview for a design student’s art history lecture​.​

Introduction:​

I wanted to know if you would be willing to answer a few questions for me. I really like your work, because I really appreciate the super hand-done and collage quality of it. I think it’s a way of working that’s often forgotten and overlooked, but personally I really like it, and your work really appeals to me. I’m especially interested in your work with show posters, so if you would be amenable to a short interview I would really appreciate it. You can just shoot me back an e-mail, or if you prefer a phone interview that would be fine too. Thanks! ​0​1) Did you go to school for art, or are you self taught? I was fortunate to attend one of the best kept secrets in design schools at Southwest Missouri State University (SMSU) in Springfield, MO. Shortly after I left, the name was simplified to Missouri State University. (Rewind A Bit to 1996) The year before my ​F​reshm​a​n fall semester, I was selected for the first annual Missouri Fine Arts Academy, which was held on the campus of SMSU. Before my senior year of high school (back in 1996) I thought about pursuing a career in architecture design, in particular, the area of sports stadium design. Though, after several years of lying to myself that I would eventually kick my math deficiency, I got a kick in the gut that this might not be my best choice. I loved to shut myself in my room for hours at a time drawing everything from comics to sports logos to buildings and such. I loved the creative aspect of this and felt that not only might I lose some of that personal one-on-one with architecture (though, nothing short of creative, but it’s a relatively computer and technical group effort), I would be held responsible to make the designs actually “work”. Being that I was terrible at math I didn’t want to be held accountable for future building flops. So, at the Fine Arts Academy I did a little bit of re-discovering of my own wheels, as I realized that I had more to offer from my fingertips. Raised from the dirt of a farm in the middle of the mid-west, I was pretty naive to most all things having to do with graphic design, I just knew that I should head in that direction, yet not limit myself only there. And I had shown signs of graphic design earlier on by way of winning a small town logo competition for a skating rink / bowling alley in the fifth grade. I just had a hunch while in creation of the identity (they kept the original, but i still have the newspaper clipping copy depicting my original entry) that I would be chosen out of the dozen other area schools and get my creation up on that big sign. Well, come time for the grand opening of The Fun Factory, my school principal forgot to notify me or my parents that I was the celebrated one to christen the new establishment. The next week she apologized, but i didn’t really give a care as I don’t like such sanctions of attention, and I still don’t. Most kids would have been struck with disappointment by the loss of a free chance to be the first to scuff the freshly waxed lanes with boulders and the new floor with skates, but the deep gut spoilage came to me by way of finally getting to see my logo up on that sign. I was devastated. My design had been butchered. This was my earliest memory of design sabotage. How could somebody take my vision and just ruin it? I look at all things in my life to have lead me up to this point in the writing, and so I feel that early little burnt spark in my gut that day told me something important…pour yourself into your work and protect that. (Fast Forward To 1996) To shorten the story, I came back from those three weeks of Fine Arts Academy in a born-again sense within my own talents, though still unsure of how to officially tap into it like I once had before body hair and outside influences and distractions pushed “play”. Being inspired by a couple of graffiti artists that I observed at the Fine Arts Academy, I began studying the art of typography (though, I had no idea what that word meant then) by way of this whole new world of urban language. And being that I tried to keep my nose clean and lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere, I just practiced my own graffitied typography twists and turns by way of perfecting one-of-a-kind personalized locker names and special birthday certificates for my classmates and friends on cheap Wal-Mart sketchbook paper. I was never so thankful to be attached to my small school in such a way as I only had two dozen classmate name plates to hand draw and color and diecut. If I did that now, my hands would surely buckle. I didn’t need to do it then, but I saw it as an investment towards the future growth of my work, or some way to start my last year of schooling fresh. My senior year was mostly spent in my bedroom making things. All of my friends had girlfriends and I had my work to sit next to on weekend nights. I also was inspired by a new art teacher at the school named Allen Heck. He was a real artist and not just some fluke or painter who couldn’t sell work so in-turn dropped on the totem pole to teach a crummy low-budget art program. Allen had a business head and an artistic head and he meant business in a classroom that spilled creativity. Even though there were a couple of art teachers before Allen that I admired, most art classes before his were mostly afterthoughts or throwaways. Places where the jerk-off kids could goof and ruin the atmosphere for the ones who wanted to be there to learn and develop, just like at most any school, i suppose. Anyway, I found an excuse to be in Allen’s classroom as much as I could and he sorta guided me on some design paths. I also helped him teach several of the elementary classes (we had K-12 grades all under one roof) that year. At this same time I was getting really involved in devouring music and an early mining idea of combining art and music started to strike, though it wouldn’t cement until several years later. Outside of Allen’s classes I landed a logo for the local Future Farmers of America chapter, along with other little so-called “best artist in the class” projects. A title that I didn’t really think I deserved as a friend of mine was ten times the draftsman that I was. Anyway, for my not-so troubles with the Future Farmers (I wasn’t a member and I didn’t want to follow my blood line), I got a giant canvas carrying case for artwork big enough that a beefy baby calf corpse could take a nap in it (I use it now to stuff my dirty clothes in for the laundromat trips). In early 1997, my guidance counselor set-up a special solo trip for me to visit an area company that specialized in yearbook designs. I went and wasn’t completely enthused about this place that seemed to put a lock on creativity in a darkened room with eyes staring at computer screens, shuffling around items given to them, though, I lied to myself that as I would grow older, this is what I might want. It just didn’t really say “Happiness” to me though, more-so (to quote The Beatles), “Happiness is a warm gun”. Still, I decided to go on ahead with going to a college that had graphic design courses. As graduation loomed on the purple and white horizon, I began to think a bit more seriously about applying for schools to further my education. Being that I had some solid fortune at the Fine Arts Academy at Southwest Missouri State University, and being that Springfield, MO was four hours south down the black top road (far enough from everything, but not too far for a weekend visit), I registered with no time to spare. Thoughts of the Kansas City Art Institute loomed, but they were more expensive, and i felt some sort of strange magnetism to SMSU. I ended up getting in by a scrape to the only college I applied for. I had the lowest common denominator for test scores and was in the top half of my graduating class as I was 12 out of 24. That was all the requirements I needed, the deal was set. The transition from high school to college art class (like most I assume) was a little challenging for me as I soon realized that the mold I was in previously had to be broken as I wasn’t comparable to skill with my new classmates. Though, the drawing classes frustrated, yet intrigued me, I did do fairly decent in my fundamentals design classroom. And this is where I learned more about making like-minded, potential life-long friends, a skill I hadn’t perfected much since my first day of Meadville first grade. All of my friends in foundations course were annoyed with working in cutting blades and paper and such…whereas, I flourished a good reputation in those departments and at times neglected all other areas of my studies to perfect my art skills. On break one early spring morning my friends spoke of much better things to come in the coming semester. Their minds were on the computer. They couldn’t wait as they had backgrounds in computer-related image creating in their high school yearbook classes. My school had one computer until I was a senior, and then we got a baker’s dozen or so. Other than that few hour visit to the local yearbook factory, I was naive to the idea of a computer as the essential tool for the modern day graphic designer. Exhausted by their comments, anxieties swelled in me and out finally popped my ignorance to the subject, “I plan to take the direction in graphic design that is done without the computer. I’m going to take the courses that are all hands-on.” And instant mockery, was I. My friends ripped me a new one and basically said I better learn pretty quick because graphic design wasn’t conquered without the computer. This is all really quite humorous to me know (possibly to them too) as I’ve somehow managed some mild success with my hands-on design approach and most of them are staring at computers all day in jobs they dislike or not even doing graphic design at all. Later that year I found out where the design kids were stuffed as I climbed aboard a twenty minute bus ride to the small downtown area of Springfield and up an elevator zooming past vacant floors housing archives of university products and collections to the top of a five story building where the world of graphic design officially opened up to me. Did it open wide at first? That answer is a giant NO as I was still so naive to what the heck I was getting into that when my friends early-on claimed, “I can’t wait until next semester for typography class”. I said, “Cool! We get to design maps?” ​0​2) Were your areas of interest in school (artistically) the same as they are now? My artistic whatevers were put on hold the first few semester of design school. Not only that, but they were run thru the emotional and physical gambits over and over. Being thrown on a computer was very troubling for me and there was a time that I almost quit design all together because I didn’t feel a connection to the work anymore thru the screen barrier. So, I struggled to find myself again for about a year and a half. Though, at the same time the design instructors at SMSU were (and still are) old-fashioned in a sense with their training and we still did many hands-on projects. I shined more in these areas, though my work still seemed more like decorating than me trying to say something. True, design is pretty much decorating and saying something, but, I couldn’t really find myself and it felt more like doing my chores than anything else. I think it can be dangerous when the designer is hogging the avenue and only speaking for their ego or style and not client intentions. Sometimes a healthy dose of both works, sometimes not. Anyway, I just didn’t “get” what I was doing and basically was doing an incredibly OK job at fulfilling my instructor’s projects. Which is fine, but it took me a while to really enjoy design. All of the instructor’s at SMSU were (mostly still are) from Eastern Europe and Russia. This was a great experience for me as it opened me up to not only a unique education in design, but also one in culture. I felt a strange connection to this as I was somewhat foreign being an artistically-challenged kid from a farm in The Sticks, Missouri. There is an exciting mix of design and passion going on down there on the fifth floor of that building. New wheels in me started to get greased around this same time and my eyes started to open a pinch. And they really thumped when I went on a limb to attach illustration classes to my already full plate during my junior year. I was starting to get hungry and / or full…full in a sense to where I needed to get the work out of my system. It was time for me to find my voice. ​0​3) How did you get started working as a​n​ illustrator? Growing up and drawing a lot, I thought I was pretty decent at it, but nothing more special or ordinary than creating strange, graphic WWII battles and mimicking comic book characters. I even had an epic, life-sized drawing of Batman I worked on at my grandma’s almost every week after school. Sadly, I think it was thrown away recently when she moved. However, on the back burner to the drawing, there was a side of me that always did a lot of cut-outs and saving and archiving of things. I think most every kid at some point cuts things of interest from magazines and tacks them to their wall or jumbles words cut to make “cool” sayings glued on paper. My older brother and I did this a lot. Mostly, we were just never bored and always doing something and always being inspired by anything and everything. We even created our own little magazine (I still have a few issues) at my grandma’s. My grandmother was a good influence on my creative side too as we were always making homemade things there. My siblings and I recreated any event we went to or anything we watched on television / movies in our sandbox, tree house(s), forts and bedroom. I was fortunate to have a large intake of popular culture and mix that with the experience of farm life and a lot of room to play. All of this fueled my creative side to where at a younger age I had a lot of options to choose from and I enjoyed and loved them all. Though, it took me a while to re-discover this within myself in design school. I was getting deeper into school and the ever present “What do I wish to do with my life” question(s) (among other personal mind trappings and inner wrangling). This especially was asked after I signed up with other design students on several professional studio visits. Every time I would come home with an empty heart from these “creative” places that felt more like controlled meat markets than anything remotely creative. Some people thrive in certain areas and not everybody wants the same thing, but the typical trappings of community computer screen shuffling didn’t offer me much hope at all. I have always enjoyed being alone making things. I’ve also been very protective of my creations and I didn’t want to be thrown into a factory-like design setting unless it was my own to where I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and have parental rights and control. Coming back to school from these studio visits was very discouraging to me. I felt confused and as if my career path was in a box already. Around this time I toyed with the idea of taking illustration classes to help push myself a little more as I wanted to keep what little fire I had in me from burning out. However, I wasn’t confident in my illustration skills as I thought I wasn’t solid enough at regular drawing. This is a terrible mistake that I feel many students make. I sorta had to shovel deep and realize the way I created when I was younger and that really helped cultivate a new side of me as I learned how to pour myself into and out of my work again and it was fun and special. Looking back, I think mustering up the courage to find confidence in illustration helped me in the long run. Though, at times I still struggle with thinking that I’m still not good enough at particular things. The only competition I have is with myself. ​0​4) Did it take you a long time to find a working style that you are satisfied with? For the most part I advise for makers of things to stay away from the trap of a “working style”. And it’s mighty easy to stumble or choose something and milk it, which is the feeling I get from the majority of artists and designer’s portfolios. It’s easy to stick with turning over the same old tires on the same old asphalt. I realize I have a certain feel to my body of work, but each day my head’s approach to life is so different (heck each minute sometimes) that I try to trust my gut instincts. I just try to speak from my heart, which ends up in my gut sometimes. A lot of times I trust good ol’ intuition. Of course, some projects require a bit more fine tuning than others as something like a logo has more life than say, a concert poster. Even though the logo might have more of a lasting impression, I’d rather put my butter to the blank paper bread of the poster. I love to try new things and just reach and grab at whatever I have around me and in my head, marriaging that with the band and the music in some strange brew. At times it can be quite intoxicating and when you do it enough and for a long while, you end up not even thinking, rather just doing and it’s fluid and non-calculating. This is when it becomes pure, this is when design becomes true language. I’ve had some projects where I’ll be told about it from a client and I’ll immediately have a vision in my head of how it should look, and then go home and start teaching it how to walk. Items like CD packages are very similar to logos because you’ve got to really give out something that you don’t mind sticking around a while in the lock-down of identity for a product or persona. There have been a few CDs that have happened out in a matter of a couple hours. The majority though, I like to have enough time to tackle and build in three separate sessions. But, I really don’t like sitting on projects for a long time. And usually the client has more of a personal care for a CD than a poster, so it might take a three act play or teeter tottering until all sides are fixed to fancy. I’ve had a few CDs that have stretched to almost a year. Being that my work is recognizable to a hands-on aesthetic, I’m sure most think that I don’t touch a computer. This is true and not true. I try to build as much as I can by hand as I love that connection I get. The screen barrier between me getting dirty with my work has bothered me and created anxieties with my work since day one in formal design class when I was thrown on a computer to mash buttons. I do what I can by hand and then use the computer as a layout and printing tool and I use it to correct or help put the finish on some items. Most designers forget that the computer is only a tool. If I could have it my complete way, I wouldn’t use a computer at all. I have made several projects in this way, but it’s hard to do it all in this fashion anymore and I have a wide format ink jet printer to print a lot of my more complex poster works with. The computer has ruined and helped designers. But, overall I feel that if it’s treated with respect and not used as substitute brains, then a designer will truly show his or her meat and potatoes. For the most part, I get a little disappointed in the output from a vast majority of designers as it all feels far away like an afterthought that doesn’t count, or simply as a decorating kit or pre-fabricated template you buy at a craft store. But, I try to keep my disgruntled burly bears close to my own heels. As long as I am creating what needs to be created from my own little corner of the basement, then I am a pretty happy camper. Though, the computer has broken many a bulb, not only with designers, but also with attitudes toward treating the designer with respect. Maybe it’s always been this way, but it’s easy for me to think that I can throw an iPhone and hit somebody who thinks they know graphic design because they can change the colors on their myspace or blog (and I’d have to borrow their iPhone to do so). It’s great that creativity is being fused with daily interaction, in a sense, but it can get a little confusing for people. I don’t think it should be reserved for a certain few, but I feel that everybody thinks they are a graphic designer now. It’s like trying to keep the raccoons out of the patch of sweet corn. You’ve just got to find the right gauge of wire to shock the perimeter with so they will find other food to steal and nibble. And there are still those who are hungry enough to go find and get the good stuff on their own. I suppose I’ve found myself to be more in tune to old folk artists and with the mindset of the old school designers and illustrators. Folk art is as pure in art and language as cave painting and daily ancient living. I like the idea of somebody just up and making something out of the blue because they’ve got to get their story out for themselves. Last summer I went from The Museum of Modern Art to the American Folk Art Museum in New York City in an afternoon and found a more pure-incentive to making things from the folk artists than the artists and designers across the street. It was refreshing. I had been enjoying my personal study of folk art history the past four or five years, but seeing it out of the pages of a book or web site really gave it a new light. And to see that most folk art has pushed into some avenues of the mainstream is really interesting, though chokes the purity from it original conceptual intention. I find that a lot of artists and designers are just as much about making themselves as important as the work they are producing. I just have never understood this idea. So, what individuals are my art and design in kin with? There are many, and it goes beyond just one field, but here is the short list: Grandma Gibson / Jim Henson / Stanley Donwood / Lester Beall / Saul Bass / Seymour Chwast & Pushpin Studio / Paul Klee / Ivan Chermayeff / Henryk Tomaszewski / Art Chantry / Vaughn Oliver / Edward Gorey / Saul Steinberg / Bill Traylor / Ray Johnson / Eric Carle / Cy Twombly / Robert Rauschenberg / Henry Darger / Hans Schleger…to name a few. There are a few items I’ve created that I can tell don’t speak right in retrospect (and they are probably obvious to others as well). These were the ones that caught me in a bad mood, exhaustion or in a lack of time. It’s so hard not to let the daily life and emotions influence the work. And in my case I’ve never been able to just chase my dreams, as I’ve had to work full-time day jobs and at times part-time jobs on top of those, and then slide my work into late nights and weekends (and I always had a girlfriend on top of that…now, a wife). It can be a hard struggle for a healthy balance. I just try to approach it with the idea that I am a man and a man who happens to make things. I am doing what I need to be doing and working hard towards the goal of some day having all of the clocks wound on my time. I have been fortunate in my choices of day jobs. I admire those who wish to live in near-poverty designing for bands and independent projects, but there is no money in it at all and it’s easy for people to take advantage of you. I tried it for a few short stints, but got tired quickly of scraping by and relying on musician’s responsibility of paying me and I ran out of belongings to sell to pay the rent. Throwing out the few bad apple clients, I must say I can’t complain too much as I’ve been blessed with some great people to not only work with, but also to have relationships with beyond the art. Janitorial and groundskeeping had me for 5 years and I loved it. The pay isn’t great, but I was alone and within my thoughts and had time to write and actually make a few things while on the clock. Also, I was able to bring home whatever stuff I could dig out of the dumpster. I’m still chipping at a 15,000 page stack of bricked paper that I found in a dumpster 6 years ago. Currently, I am in the second year of being trapped in a cubicle as a data entryman. It’s a great job, it’s not too difficult, I work with people I know, I walk to work, I’m able to get my teeth fixed and am setting aside some money now for my future, but I don’t plan to marry it as it’s not what I need to be doing with my talents. Many days I can’t sit still because all I can think about is going home and making things. Design is a way of life for me. It’s easy for it to start to take over at times, but I’ve been working on a better balance of it by getting up at 5:00 in the morning, before the “junk” pollution of the day. I love getting up before the crickets and getting to work. Even if I’m filling up on books and movies, it’s still work for me. But, it’s not really work, it’s just what I enjoy and I kinda need it to aid survival. If a designer only puts their design mind onto paper / screen into a 9 to 5 crack, then they might want to think about looking into other lines of life work to chew on. ​0​5) Do you do a lot of self promotion, and how? I’ve been in an interesting position to where my work has been trickling word of mouth for the most part. I’ve been surrounded in positions where I’ve been around musicians a lot and in general, people have been attracted to my creations to where they too want me to make them something. With age, I don’t get out as much to shows, nor do I live with musicians anymore (thankfully). Those days were great, but that kind of lifestyle can’t be taken seriously forever. But, it helped shape me in some way. And I’ve established myself, somewhat. It still amazes me that my work is speaking in the volume that it has. It’s certainly nothing of major impact, but it means a lot to me. For many years I’ve also been at a constant with submitting large quantities of my work to yearly design magazine annuals. This breaks my bank for sure, but it’s the best way of promotion as the work gets spread around the world quickly. I have contacts in many countries who found me this way and thus, offer me entry into their books, magazines, contests or give me a shot to make something for them. The internet is a great source too, of course. Recently I’ve somehow caught a breathe of fresh air from the web currents and realize the easy importance of putting myself out there on it. It’s a strange world though, and I’m still a bit ignorant of it, but I’m becoming more comfortable. I used to not be into self-promotion much. Not only that, I just didn’t have much time with it, being weighed down by day jobs and life stuff. And I’m a believer of the work speaking for itself and letting it take time to mature and incubate. Right now I’m looking at how much weight my portfolio has gained and am seeing what alternate routes I can walk with it. I’ve always planned to be doing my best work, for me, but I’ve never really pushed it as hard until now, as the big No. 30 looms. True, I am making what I want to make, but I don’t wish to be working a full-time job much longer. I have alot more to say and in different varieties of value packs and I just need more second hands to say it in. 0​6) Lastly, because I’m interested in doing show posters, do you have any advice on positioning oneself into that market?

I tell a lot of people a similar thing that I’ve heard Quentin Tarantino say to aspiring filmmakers, (to paraphrase here) “Just go and make what you need to make and do it at whatever cost.” Just get out there and make things and get those things out, even if you go broke or worn out doing it. Catch fire and start a paper trail. I was fortunate to not only love devouring music since the day my ears could, but ended up in positions to where I was surround by musicians and / or individuals with like-minded inner ear infestations. Most importantly, I found that I could merge the things I loved into a cohesive music and art stomping ground. My last couple of college​ ​years I befriended several bands and musicians and had my own little business on the side from class, making show posters and CD packages. After four and a half years of college and exhausting all my design class options…AND ability to fail Algebra four times and even an art history course…I had a higher calling to quit spinning my own wheels and dropped college from the daily schedule, among many other things weighing me down at the time. It was gutsy, but one of the most crucially sound decisions I’ve ever made. I moved from the Bible Belt Buckle comforts of Springfield and into a big, orange, dilapidated house in the middle of a shady section of Kansas City, Missouri with a band that had become my best friends. I almost didn’t do it as my pants pockets were turned inside-out and thoughts of sticking around the family farm to save up money kept me down. I think a lot of people were very disappointed in me too for quitting school. But, my decision was made and I believe in following the heart instead of stopping up the artery. I would have been miserable to stay at home and I had bigger fields to plow and sew. And I didn’t need a piece of paper saying what I was supposed to be doing. Most importantly, only I can tell myself what I should do with me. -djg

#innerviews

[sending-the-message]

I Went Looking for an Adventure on the Dark Web by Sinister-Intentions

Hi, my name is Jacob. My life hadn’t gone the way I’d expected it or rather my future hadn’t been what I’d hoped. When I was in college my whole life revolved around school and work. If I wasn’t on the computer writing some program I was in class or tutoring. If I wasn’t doing any of those things I was helping out at the help desk of our school. Either way I had no life outside of class and work, mainly because I told myself that I would focus on the fun parts of life when I had a degree and decent paying job. Right now I needed to earn all of that.

When school finally ended I was in a panic to get a decent job because I knew not soon after uncle sam would come calling for me to pay back all the student loans I’d taken out. Suffice it to say that I wasn’t being very picky and really just applied for anything that paid a decent amount of money. I didn’t even care if it was related to my computer science major, just that it would pay the bills.

I finally found a job with a small web development company which seemed to be the big dream I was hoping for. It paid great, my coworkers were excellent, my hours were flexible, and work was fun enough. There was an itch in the back of my mind that I couldn’t quite scratch though. Was this it? Was this the life I had given up my early 20’s for? I got up in the morning and worked out. I’d get dressed and go to work. Then for 8 or more hours I would work on different code banks and polish up different websites, before sluffing off back to my new apartment to eat, sleep, and repeat.

I tried going out with friends, going to bars and parties, taking walks, all the things you are supposed to do with a normal life, but none of it brought any excitement to me. I started taking inordinate risks when I was driving, caring less about how people perceived me when I talked with them, and ignoring friends and family.

You have to understand some things about me to really know what I was going through. For the better part of my life I had been regarded as a pretty strange kid. I was interested in the more occult and obscure parts of life, didn’t really care much for rules, stealing from other, breaking into houses in my youth, and lying like second nature. As I entered my teenage years I realized quickly that I couldn’t get away with these things anymore if I wanted to get ahead and decided to change a lot about myself. In essence I learned to wear a mask and got so good at it that I seemingly forgot I’d been wearing it for all these years. I had even fooled myself.

With the boredom and mediocrity of life after college settling in my mask was starting to wear loose and the creature from my youth was peeking out from behind it. I started frantically looking for things to satiate my growing need for thrill and excitement and my numbness to social norms grew even more deafening.

Working in computer I had heard of and used Tor on many occasions, the browser used to access the deep web, but had never been interested in anything it provided. At most it masked your identity and sacrificed speed, but at worst it was where the dredge of society lurked and for all my social ineptitude I knew I wasn’t anything like those people.

On my way home from work one day I was driving down the freeway as normal, but suddenly a guy cut me off and dodged in front of me almost causing me to crash. I slammed on my brakes and turned my steering wheel as hard as I could causing me to run off the side of the road into a ditch. My brakes and wheels no doubt took some heavy damage, but in general my car was ok.

The whole experience made my heart beat like it was young again and instead of being mad I remember I was almost excited by the thrill of it all. That’s when it occurred to me that I may have a use for the deep web after all. Like I had said it was where you could find all the dregs of society and while I sure wasn’t one, perhaps I needed someone who was willing to stoop to that level.

When I got home I downloaded Tor, and started researching different anonymous forums where I might be able to score a little action. To the more experienced users of the dark web I likely came off as a newbie going around poking his head into places that he knows nothing about, but I didn’t care, all I really needed was for just one person to be interested in guiding me through the gates of this underworld.

I posted a little thread here and there on any open forum I could find. ‘Looking for an adventure and something that will get my heart pumping like I’m alive again’. I provided a recently set up email and waited to see if I would get any replied. Many of my threads were taken down by moderators and those that weren’t found unsolicited spam, obvious virus links, or disgusting images sent to the email I had provided.

After a few days of no success I learned of a few chat rooms that I believed might be more helpful with my search. These would be live conversations so I wouldn’t have to wait for replies and they would hopefully be more welcoming to someone who didn’t know a lot about this kind of thing. After posting my normal ‘looking for adventure’ most of the rooms booted me, either as a newbie or believing I was a cop, but in my very last one I received a pop up to talk with one of the chat member privately, which I was more than happy to do.

There I was at my desk, nothing lighting the room but my computer monitor. Sitting in the darkness I chatted back and forth with this guy about my life and how I wanted something more interesting, risky, and fun. He said he’d met many people who’d stumbled onto this chat looking for the same and that he always liked helping them out. We talk for days about the different adventures he’d taken his past acquaintances on, but how each of them always wanted to return to their normal dull lives after a bit which left him to continue his search for that one buddy who wouldn’t leave.

The whole this sounded incredibly sad and stalkerish, which believe it or not didn’t frighten me away but left me more interested. I’m not naïve or stupid. I was talking with someone I’d met on a random dark web chat room. At the most harmless it was some old fat guy sitting on the other end spinning me a web of lies, but at most it really was someone dangerous and I wanted to find out for myself. I wanted him to be dangerous….because therein lies the thrill, which was my vendetta from the beginning of this little adventure into the dark web.

I got up the courage to ask him if he’d ever want to actually meet and go on one of his little trips just to see what his reaction would be, and of course he was more than happy. I learned that that he was only about 7 hours from me so I suggested we meet the next week and that I didn’t want to know any of the details, just that I wanted to have a fun time for a few days.

The days passed by quickly and the night before I was planning on making the trip I packed up all the things I thought I might need. Clothes and travel stuff, but also a few self defense item, a flashlight, and several burner phones. Loading it all in my trunk I started to get a rush then and there of what I was about to do. I was meeting up with a complete stranger in the middle of the night, putting myself in danger, and had no idea what the morning hours were going to bring. As I drove down the dark highway road, my lights beaming in front of me, I felt as alive as ever. The dull drudgery of my job, the boring routine of my life, it all just slipped away. Night and the passing cars gave a kind of quite and peace to my racing mind.

When I got to the town of my new friends address I really started to feel the excitement wash over me. I had given him the number of one of my burner phones and he texted me ‘are you almost here’. I didn’t reply as I knew I was and pulling over would have just taken more time. I winded up a road near the edge of the town, but definitely removed from public and prying eyes until I seen a house a little way in the distance. Pulling into the driveway the reality of what I was doing started to hit me and more than excited I began to feel scared.

My car lights shown strong against a large metallic garage door and I seen a shadow move across the bay windows of what looked to be a living room. I received another text. ‘come on in, the doors unlocked’ it said. I took a deep gulp and opened my car door, the beeping startling me as I’d forgotten to turn off the engine. Pulling the keys out I put a few between my knuckles and stepped out the seat onto the dirt, shutting the door behind me.

My heart was racing and my breath getting more labored. Every instinct I had was telling me to turn around and I looked back at my car, but I just kept moving forward. I heard every footstep I took in the dark night air and I slowly reached out to turn the handle on the old door, cracked paint funning down it and a rusty handle. Inside the garage a large white light hung from a cord in the center over two pick up trucks muddle and rusted from head to toe.

The place was very cluttered and I had to step along a narrow path until I reached a screen door just above a few steps. I kind of whispered to myself ‘you can just turn around, just go back’, but my adventurous and apathetic nature took over and I took a few steps up and through the screen door as it squealed shut.

Inside the house looked fairly normal, and I started to say “hello” into the room. “is anyone there?” I didn’t hear anything. I said it a few more times and started to walk forward into the living room I’d mentioned before. “I’m downstairs, just fixing the water heater” I heard come from behind me. “There’s a wrench on the table, would you mind bringing it to me”.

I sure as hell wasn’t going to do that. I wanted adventure, but wasn’t going to willingly walk into god knows what kind of trap in a completely locked off room downstairs. All of those instincts that I should have been listening to from the get go came roaring back to my attention and I immediately turned around to get the hell out of there.

Running up to the door I turned the handle but it refused to open. I started panicking and turned it so hard that it broke off the door. Just then I started to hear creaking like someone coming up the stairs and my heart didn’t race, it just stopped and calmed down. I turned around and remember the wrench sitting on the kitchen table. I picked the heave thing up and prepared to fight my way out if I needed to. Those giant bay windows were another way out this house. Quick like lightening I ran passed the door to the stairs where the voice and creaking came from and slammed the door shut as I did. I hoped onto the couch and bashed the windows with the wrench climbing through the broken shards of glass.

Climbing into my car as if there wasn’t a tomorrow I shoved the keys in the ignition and screeched out of the driveway, laying my foot into the pedal as hard as I could. After hours of berating myself on the long trip home the sun was starting to come up and felt some twinge of relief come over me. I was so tired from the whole night of events and after slinking into my apartment and out of my clothes I crawled into bed wanting to forget any of this craziness had ever happened. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

A few hours later I woke up to a beeping on my computer, meaning I had a new message. I went over to the computer and seen that it was from my now former, never to actually meet, acquaintance. “why did you leave? We’d have had so much fun”. I didn’t reply, I just looked at the message and considered what my next move should be at this point. Another message came to the screen which left me shaken and cold. “your apartment looks so boring compared to what I had in store”. My webcam wasn’t on, so how on earth did he know what my apartment looked like? How the heck did he know where I even was? How did he ---.

That was the last thing Jacob told me before meeting a rather unfortunate accident. My basement really was much nicer than his apartment and I was so sad he couldn’t have stayed for long. All my friends always seem to leave me. I guess I’ll just need to find another. Tell me, have you ever thought of going on the dark web, I know somewhere you might like.

-Sinister Intentions

More...

#reddit #nosleep #scary #story

[im-invisible-erased]

Very Old Story...

Misconceptions of Life

 By Ashley

Freak, loser, bitch, slut.  I’ve heard them all before and this school will be no different.  Every school I’ve been to tells the same story, just change the faces and the names.  This is my third high school, and I am only in the 10th grade.  I just hope I can lie low here.  I can’t take the treatment that I had at my last two schools.  Letting out a long drawn out sigh I shut off my beaten down, old 79 Chevy Silverado truck and slam the door.  The duct tape holding the mirror comes loose and falls on the pavement.  F my life, seriously?  Why did I get stuck with this piece of junk?  Mumbling a few choice curse words under my breath I gingerly pick up the side mirror and inspect it for cracks; it was fine.  I put the mirror in the bed of the truck and walked through the deserted student parking lot.  I was 45 minutes early; I walked in the school and looked around, nothing I hadn’t seen before.  I picked up my schedule and found my locker.  The combo didn’t work.  Letting out another sigh, I took a quick look to my right, then left, then at the ceiling. No teachers and no cameras, good. I fish in the back pocket of my skinny jeans and pull out a bobby pin.  I pick the lock to my locker and close it again.  

The day goes by without anything else going wrong.  Boring syllabi and those dumb get to know everybody’s name games which are totally pointless.  I’m the only new person to this school in seven years!  I drive home, unlock the front door, and go straight to my room.  I shut the door quietly behind me.  Finally, a connection to a cell phone tower.  That entire school is one giant black hole for cell phones.  I had learned quickly that the school had put up a cell phone jammer.  It was said to increase the productivity of the students; less distractions or something.  It was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard.  I didn’t even know cell phone blockers existed until today.  I checked my phone for the first time since last night.  The scratched up black flip phone with the pink-stripped case started to vibrate on my desk.  4 new messages.  

Katie-1:42 AM Hey, don’t get too down about going to a new school sometimes being the unknown is the better option, and from what you told me about your last schools (which is terrible BTW) that you could use being the unknown.  Cheer up, I hate seeing you this way T~T. Katie-1:52 AM Alli…You there? Katie-2:14 AM you better not be doing what I think you are, I absolutely HATE when you do that to yourself. :/ Katie-2:24 AM

Night, talk to you tomorrow after school.

I finish reading the texts from last night when my phone gets another text. Katie-3:42PM

-Massive Hugs-. How was your first day at the new school? Alli-3:44 PM

Not terrible… I guess but the first week or so is always the same, ya know what I mean?

Katie-3:45 PM Yea it pretty much is, so are you out of this god awful town now since you switched schools?

Alli-3:47 PM

Nope, I just drive further to and from school now. Katie-3:48 PM

That sucks.  I’m sorry :( Alli-3:50 PM It’s fine.  I was able to keep my job and Nick said he would be giving me more hours to help out my gas bill. Katie-3:50 PM You’re lucky that your boyfriend is also your boss ;) Alli-3:53 PM He’s NOT my boyfriend!  He is just my neighbor. Katie-3:54 PM Suurre he’s not :P Alli-3:59 PM If I didn’t have to be at work soon I would drive over there and show you what I think of your sarcasm. ♥

I was only kidding of course, but Kate knew me well; I had known her since we were in our little Sunday dresses as kids.  She still keeps a picture from that day and always says, “Look how cute you used to be, what happened to that?”  She knew I hated those dresses ever since I was forced into them by Momma, back when we went to church.  I checked my email before I left for work.  4 junk emails and 30 hate emails that I sent to the delete folder.  I shut down the computer and grabbed my keys and locked the house behind me.  5:55 PM, I was early.  The daytime hostess got off at 6:00, which was when my shift started. I assumed my position and spent the next 5 hours greeting people and showing them to their tables in my sing-song work voice.  Work is, well, work; a means of surviving.  Chef Chang gave me some sweet and sour pork and the left over rice from that night’s batch.  Night shifts are terrible, but I get free food.  I love working at Sakura but it can be hectic at times.  I left my uniform in my locker and went out to my car. He was there leaning up against the hood of my car smoking a cigarette.   “What are you doing here?” “Oh I just wanted to see how my favorite neighbor was doing.”  He gave me one of his I have other intentions smiles.  

“Your driver side mirror is missing.  You know that right?” “I know,” I mumbled.  I let out a sigh of relief and put my head on his shoulder. He looked at me, flicks the burnt end of his cigarette, and gives me a deep kiss.  We break apart and he smiles at me.  

“Love you Alli.”  

“I love you too.”  He gives me another kiss and a quick squeeze.  

“You want me to escort you home, Milady?  ‘Cause your mother is going to be furious about that mirror.”  He’s such a goofball sometimes, but he’s right.  

“Nah, I’m fine.  See you tomorrow?”  

“Yea, love ya.”  

“Love you too.”

 I got out of the car and walked toward the front door, hours pass before I hear the screams of Momma coming from the living room rousing me from my sleep.

“Allison!  Get in here right now young lady!”

“Yes Momma?”

“What the hell happened to the truck, you’re always so careless!”  She raised her hand up to strike me; I winced and covered my face with my arms.  Three thuds and a whimper could be heard through the house.  Back in my room I check my phone for the time.  1:40 AM.  I had to be up for school in 5 hours.  I took out the razor I kept in my pocket.  

I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock.  It’s only the third week of school and I’m already wishing it was summer. I roll out of bed and check my phone. 1 new message. Cole- 5:50 AM Check your email as soon as you read this. It’s urgent.

I turn on the computer and wait for it to boot up.  This thing was ancient it still had Windows 97.  I open the email from Cole once the computer has gotten a chance to work.  I pull out my phone a minute later.  There are only two people to call in a situation such as this and since one is probably asleep, we just got back from work not too long ago I’ll let him sleep and tell him later.  The only other person I knew that would listen was Katie.   Alli-7:00 AM

Hey!  You got some time to chat?!!

Katie-7:02 AM

Sure what’s up? Alli-7:05 AM something terrible…

Katie-7:07 AM why terrible? :( Alli-7:07 AM My reputation has followed me; the rumors will be starting again. Katie-7:08 AM are you serious?  How?  You’re like going to school two towns over.  

I sent the link to the page that was the end of my quiet restart of my school life.  It was a link to a picture of my Mom at her work.  Next to it was a small caption that read.  “Doesn’t this look a lot like Allison Green the 10th grader at our school?”  Underneath were several pages of comments. Katie-7:25 AM

…Oh god…I’m so sorry. Alli-7:25 AM I don’t know what will be worse facing everybody at school or skipping and facing Mamma T-T Katie-7:26 AM I’m not sure either.  Pick the lesser of the two evils?            I check the time.  I had 25 minutes left before I had to be out the door.  Might as well get ready for the absolute hell that awaited me at school. Alli-7:27 AM I’ll TTYL. I got to get ready for school. Katie-7:28 AM Bye-Bye, Love ya ♥ Good luck.

I shutdown the computer and got ready for school.  I pulled into the parking lot and sat in the truck, my hands shaking, playing with my lip ring.  I sat there trying to calm my nerves for several minutes.  I eventually got out and entered the school.  I kept my head down and walked quickly through the halls but it couldn’t stop the whispers and the pointing.  Nothing would.  

“You see that girl?  You know her mother is a whore.”  

“I heard she left her last school because her father sold her into prostitution to feed his heroin addiction.”  Lies, lies, all ridiculous lies.  I wanted to scream at them to get my story straight, but it wouldn’t do anything.  Most people are ignorant idiots who, when even with the facts sitting right in their face don’t accept them.  And do they bother to find out the truth?  No, they just believe the outlandish rumors and don’t even second guess any of it.  The sound of my own name roused me from my swirling emotions and thoughts.  

“Hey Allison, will you give me a discount on the mother daughter special if I help you with math?” it was the smart-aleck, know it all guy that sits in front of me in my math class.  He saw my test scores and how I struggled in math.  I flipped him the bird and stuck out my tongue.

“Why you little bitch…” The rest of his words were drowned out by the warning bell.  I ran off to the bathroom.  I checked in the stalls to make sure I was alone.  I went into the first stall and started sobbing.  I can’t deal with this abuse again, I just can’t.  Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you.  What a load of crap.  Words are the things that cut you the deepest they penetrate the mind and wage psychological warfare.  I pull out the razor I had put in my bag, rolled up my sleeves.  

I walk into history class late.  I get a tardy but nothing more.  I block out the whispers and peoples’ stares.  Thank God for my MP3 player and decent headphones.  By the end of the day, I’m ready to leave so badly.  I stop by my locker.  Somebody has put a sign up that says: You already have a career why bother staying around for an education. Leave! I crumple up the paper and leave the prison that my school life has become yet again.

           Work, school, home, the vicious cycle continues for the next six weeks. The only times I’m actually not depressed now are when I’m with him, and even then the time is so short that it doesn’t even seem worth it now.  I’m a terrible secret girlfriend.  He could do better than me.  Maybe I should just break it off with him.  I’ll talk to him after this shift is over.  I send him a quick text while there are no customers coming in.  

Alli-10:45 PM

Same time same place, kay?

Nick-10:55 PM Alright.

           I’m sitting in the bed of my truck waiting for him to show up.  He’s late.  

“Hey, really sorry I’m late I had to do some last minute things.”  

“It’s fine,” I say starting to play with my lip ring. He looks at me with concern.  

“What’s wrong?  School again?”  I nod looking down at the pavement.  He puts his arm around my shoulder and kisses the top of my head.  “So wanna get going?  Don’t your finals start next week?”  I nod again not wanting to move or say what had to be done next.  He hops down from the bed of my truck and offers me a hand. I just sit there, on the verge of tears. “Okay Allison, seriously what’s the matter?” he frowns at me.  

“I have to break up with you.  You can do so much better then some high school girl like me. I’m sorry”.  Tears start running down my face, and I jump off the bed of the truck, get in, and start the ignition.  He’s just standing there dumbfounded.  I speed off towards my house, wiping my eyes.  I arrive home.  Momma won’t be home for another hour.  I go to my room, slamming the door behind me, and collapse on my bed crying. I didn’t want to break up with him, but it had to be done.  I’m not good enough for him.  I’m ugly, stupid, and a complete failure.  Plus he’s 3 years older then I am.  He should be dating people his own age.  The sound of my phone vibrating breaks my chain of thought.  He’s calling.  I take out the battery to my phone and curl up into a ball hugging myself crying softly.

I’m jarred awake to the sounds of screaming. I can hear Momma yelling at someone on the other side of a phone.  I fall back asleep.

           Fifth period lunch, I’m sitting in my usual corner, headphones on, music up full blast.  I hate lunch period.  It’s full of people doing idiotic things.  At least nobody has come up to me today.  Just as I finish my optimistic thought, nameless upperclassman jerk with his band of idiots stands in front of me.  I look up at them.  Their lips are moving, but I can’t hear them.  I remove my headphones and give them a piercing stare.  

“Hey, what’s up slut? How’s your mother doing in that stripper bar of hers?”  I ignore the comment and mouth the words “Leave me alone.”  

“So I was thinking this should be enough for one night of fun for me and the boys, right?”  He tossed a roll of cash in my lap.  I stare at the bills, a hundred dollars wrapped in a bunch of singles probably. I let out a sigh and hand the idiot back his money.  

“Sorry, I don’t do that.”  I turn to walk away but the nameless idiot grabs me by the shoulders.  

“Hey, now not so fast.  Now I promised the guys here a good time, and since you already have so much experience doing things for cash, I figured you would oblige.”  

“I said I don’t do that.  Are you hearing impaired?” I mumbled.  His face shoots with rage at my comment.  Great.  Good job Alli, your smart mouth has gotten you in a sticky situation.  He whispers into my ear.  

“You should be a good little girl and keep that mouth of yours shut.”  

“Let me go, or you will be in a world of pain.” I growled menacingly.  He laughed at my comment.  I let out a sigh; I warned him.  I scream at the top of my lungs.  “Get off me you deranged pervert!”  The lunch room got deathly quiet, and teachers who had been completely oblivious until that moment spotted the group of boys surrounding me.  The guys scatter like rats from a flashlight.  I ran out of the lunch room and hid in the bathroom. I can’t deal with this crap anymore.  I just can’t. Why me?  What did I ever do to deserve this?  Can I help it that everyone is an ignorant fool?  Can I control who my parents are and what they choose to do with their lives?  Why am I constantly tortured by other peoples’ vices and peoples’ misconceptions.  It just isn’t fair, this world isn’t fair.  I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment, and yet here I am living each day for no reason at all.  My life has no purpose.  I would be doing the world a favor if I just disappeared.  

           It’s past midnight, and I can’t sleep.  I quit my job after that idiot at school tried to pay for a...  A shiver runs up my spine at the thought. I would be doing the world a favor if I just disappeared...      The next day Momma was angry that I had quit my job.  She yelled at me for over three hours saying that I was just dropping out of society and that I was overreacting and that I should go to Mr. Chang and beg him to hire me again.  I just couldn’t face “Him” again.  That was why I didn’t want to go back to work and why I quit.  I wasn’t worth his time or effort.  I’m just not good enough for him.  People say it constantly when they think I can’t hear them, that I’ll never amount to anything and that I’m going to end up worse off than Mama working as a prostitute for the rest of my life.  Maybe they’re right.  Maybe I will amount to nothing and that I’m just a worthless piece of trash that is a drain on society.  I lazed around most of Saturday morning; I didn't know what I was going to do with myself anymore.  School wasn’t an option.  I was passing, yes, but it had become a living nightmare that I couldn't keep returning to.  Home, well it’s mostly quiet until nighttime. But home is no better than school.  Where else is there to go?  What other options did I really have?  I can’t survive in the world with only a 9th grade education and the little money that I have saved up won’t last very long either.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  

The doorbell rings.  It’s Kate, she drags me outside and we get in her car.  We end up at the mall, walking around, people and mostly window shopping.  Trying on clothes and just having a girl’s day out.  Kate really cheered me up and it was nice to be away from all the worries of the world, I was genuinely happy for the first time, in a long time.  It was a good day.

I return home exhausted and go straight to bed.  A crash breaks my light sleep, and I sit up in my bed.  Someone is yelling at Mama over the phone and she’s yelling back, I get up and sit in the hallway to hear her better. “I wish we never would have been so foolish back in the day, I regret ever dating you, I didn’t want this for my life.  I had to drop everything that I had going for me and take care of the baby.  I wake up every day and work a shitty job to provide for my family that I wish I had never made.  I told you back then that we should have waited.  We weren’t ready for a child and the second I told you I was pregnant you up and leave like the cowardly son of a bitch you are!  Oh, you’ve changed huh?  Want to come back into your daughters’ life after 15 years?  I've managed to survive for 16 years on my own I’m sure we can survive two more until she graduates.  We’ll be fine.  And after that it’s her decision whither she wants you to be a part of her life or not.”

Mama was just saying that to make herself look stronger than she really is.  We weren’t gonna be fine, and I knew that she was just telling him what he wanted to hear, so he would leave her alone.  We barely scrape by every month.  I didn't think that my paycheck made any difference most of it was spent on gas money and the rest I put in the bank.  A sudden realization hit me, Mama must have been stealing the money from my account to help pay for the bills.  “Allison! Get in here now.”  

“Umm, yes Mama?” I stood in the doorway.  “What were you doing in the hallway?  Eavesdropping, how many times have I told you not to listen to my conversations?”

“I’m sorry, I couldn't fall back asleep and I heard you two talking.”

“How dense are you, I’ve told you over and over to not eavesdrop do you learn from anything that I tell you?  How many times do we have to have this same conversation?”  I stood there blankly staring at the ground messing with my lip ring, I could tell that she hadn’t calmed down from the phone call.  Mama took a deep breath, “So, why did you quit your job?”  I was silent.  “You aren’t pregnant are you?”  I shook my head no.  “If I find out that you’re lying you won’t be welcome in this house, now please go to bed.”  I couldn’t tell if that was a serious threat.  I froze for a second trying to figure out the words that she had just said would she really kick me out just like that?  “I said go to bed!”  I returned to my room and lay there on the bed staring at the ceiling my heart racing.

           Another week passed and there was no point to anything anymore I showed up to school out of fear and returned home for lack of a better place to be.  Everything had become pointless and monotonous.  I feel numb every second of every minute of everyday I want this feeling to end.  I just want to disappear.  I start crying softly as I pull out my phone and a piece of paper.

Alli-12:48 AM

To my best friend, what can I say?  It’s been an interesting life and you’ve always made me smile when I was sad. I’m glad that I met you all those years ago.  But this is it for me I can’t take living in this world anymore.  I’m sorry about everything.  This is my last farewell.  

I turned off my phone and turn my attention to the piece of paper on the desk.  

      Dear Everyone,

I’m sorry for everything that has gone wrong on my account.  I’m sorry that I was the daughter that you never wanted and that I ruined your life by being born.  I’m sorry that I forced you to work at the bar again as a waitress Momma.  I’m sorry that I’m such a worthless soul and a nuisance on everyone that I come in contact with.  But that will all be solved tonight.  I’m fixing your mistake that you made when you were no older than me. I’m a nobody, and honestly nobody will miss me after today.  I was a mistake, and there is no other way out of this world of sorrow...Goodbye, Your welcome.  You weren’t always the best parent, but I loved you more than you will ever know, even though you never showed me any in return.

Sincerely,

Allison

I picked up the razorblade and started to make a deep cut in the tenants in my right wrist.  I continued until there were three very deep cuts in my wrist and anywhere else I could see a vein.  Blood was dripping from the wounds.  I passed out shortly after that.

           I woke up with a sharp pain shooting from all over my body.  Katie was sitting next to me crying hysterically saying.  “Please don’t die, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead.”  Over and over crying on the bed in the unknown room I was now laying in.  I made a faint whimpering sound and she looked up.  She looked at me and started crying more.  I sat up slowly and she hugged me tightly.      

I was in the hospital for a week getting “help.” Katie visited me everyday for those seven days.  She was the high point of my day inside that terrible place.  I was released after I had been claimed, “not a threat to my own self anymore.”  I went to live with Katie after being released her mom had talked with my mom and they agreed to the deal.  Maybe life would be better away from my house and school for a while.

#personal #senior year of high school writting #circa 2010 #my writting #misconceptions #trigger warnings #abuse #smoking #self harm #suicide #bullying #long post #delete later #probably... #short story #its actually not that good #lms if you read

[hotmessanddepressed-blog]

Did you ever

Did you actually ever care

Or did you think that what I was doing to you was unfair

Did you actually want me to progress

Or did you just want me to stop giving you stress

Did you ever think of me and how I was existing

Or was it just you resisting

Did you tell me lies so I would feel good

Or did you play with my feelings because you could

Did you realize how I was falling in love with you

Or would you just not care even if you knew

Did you notice how I stopped texting because I was hurting so bad

Or since I was finally leaving you alone you were glad

Did it ever cross your mind why I didn’t smile anymore

Or were you only paying attention on beating your video game high score

Did you see how empty my eyes became

Or were you too busy with your computer game

Did it ever cross your mind that if I was eating why was I getting skinnier

Or do you never think of me

Have you noticed that I can’t even look at you now

Or are you glad I disappeared from your life somehow

Have you noticed how I couldn’t stand for more than 5 minutes no matter how hard I try

Or are you distracted by the other girls walking by

Have you seen me try to workout even though I can barely walk straight

Or are you too focused on your phone talking to a schoolmate

Have you heard about when I’ve passed out doing simple activities

Or when you hear my name do you just not care because it was caused by my own stupidity

Has it ever occurred to you that I’m not happy

Or do you try not to think about me

That when I came to you I was hurting

That I believed you cared about me because I was disconcerting

That you destroyed me and made me unsteady

I thought I had experienced the worst already

I thought I had already hit rock bottom and couldn’t get worse in the direction I was going

You proved me wrong without even knowing

Did you leave me on read on purpose because you could

Or did you just forget to respond and think I’d be good

Did you actually believe me when I said I was fine

Or were you just glad you didn’t have to listen to me whine

Did you ever think you’d get that call from the hospital that afternoon

Or did you think I’d never go that far this soon

Did you get upset that I didn’t text you, or came to you when I was hurting and feeling crappy

Or did you forget that you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me

Did you ever realize that it was you who pushed me away

Or did you just think you were out of things to say

Did you think what I did was selfish too

Or did you think that I was finally going to stop bothering you

Did you even want to come see me there

Or were you concerned what people would say if you weren’t in that chair

Did you force those tears you’re crying right now

Or are you thinking about something else somehow

Did you think that I was overreacting over a guy

Or that I actually wanted to die

Did you care before it was too late

Or was it all a lie and I took the bait

Did you regret anything when you heard me flatline and seeing my parents on their knees

Or did you just try and forget about me

Did you even want to come to my funeral for all those hours

Or even bring me flowers

Did you listen to them talk and pray

Or were you bored out of your mind waiting for all of this to go away

Did you think that even dead I was being a pain like a stuck fish hook

Or were you just upset about how long it took

Did you think about me the first week without me

Or were you distracted by a pretty girl who was carefree

Did I ever cross your mind that first month even if the thought was quick

Or did you just assume my brother didn’t come to school because he was sick

Did you think of me during track season when they called my events or said the scores

Or were you trying to get ready for yours

Did you ever almost text me

Or did you delete my number that week

Did you think of me during summer break

Or were you busy swimming in the lake

Did you think of me when you heard my name

Or do you think of the restaurant now because I was lame

Did you remember me when you started school with the masses

Or were you too focused on your classes

Did you remember my birthday

Or did you forget like you did even when I was around everyday

Did you even remember me and my touch

Or did you forget about that annoying girl who was clingy and texted too much

Did you think of me when you won your first college track meet

Or did you forget about how I loved track with every heat

Did you think of me during the cross country season when they won

Or was there a new girls team that made you forget about the old one

Did you ever think of me when you were with my brother in the sun

Or did you just forget why or when he isolated himself from everyone

Did you think of me going through old yearbooks

Or did you just skim over me like everyone else only seeing the people with good looks

Did you even care that I died

Or was it all a lie

                                        .WendyM