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obsidianfr3sk · 3 years

Text

Shooting Star

@renegades-ship-weeks - Renegades Ship Week #1 | Humon - Dancing

Summary: Maybe it was the fact that Simon wasn’t aware of Max’s weird tendency to sleep when they played upbeat songs. Or maybe that he had never heard that song. He had seen him dancing at public events, with him or with other members of the Council. He had also seen him dancing during their wedding day, and he was dancing with him. But he hadn’t seen him dancing like that before.

AO3

SKDJFJHDSJ IT’S TODAY, IT’S TODAY SDKFJHJDSK TODAY THE RENEGADES SHIP WEEK STARTS TODAY AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO START IT WITH SOME RENEGAYS CONTENT <3

Ok, so this... is kind of a songfic (? I thought the format fitted the prompt better. The song I choose for this is Shooting Star by Owl City (thank you, Dawnie, for letting me know about its existance uwu). I’d recommend you hear the song before reading this or when the dancing scene arrives (you’ll know, don’t worry).

None of this would be possible without the help of the amazing @greasicookies. Thanks for hosting this event✨ I don’t know if there has been another thing like this before, but this is actually my first ship weeks in this fandom and I’m so exited!! I hope we can get a lot more! And for those who are still thinking about participating or not, go for it c:

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy!✨

Tag list: @honey-hippie-harper @healing-winston-pratt @lackadae @the-wee-woo-rita @dt-everwoods @greenalmond

When the sun goes down and the lights burn out,

then it's time for you to shine

brighter than a shooting star.

So shine no matter where you are.

Enough time had passed for him to forget the first time he danced with Hugh.

It was one of the downsides of knowing someone for a long time. The first time they probably danced together was to some tune they heard on the radio in the living room of one of their houses, the park, or the street, but it happened when he was so young, that now, Simon couldn’t remember what song it was, if the sky was blue that day, or how the concept of dancing looked like for them at that age.

But one of the advantages of knowing someone for a long time was that you were constantly making memories with them. So, for him, the first time he really danced with Hugh, was during their wedding day. And it was beautiful and romantic, and if he could live inside a moment for the rest of his existence, it would be that one.

And he didn’t even feel embarrassed while he was doing it.

Not that he was embarrassed to dance with his husband in public. It was something he had… thought about. That maybe there was still someone inside of him that was constantly telling him he was wrong, that his feelings were wrong, and that everything that Hugh represented was also wrong, and since he was thinking about that stuff in the middle of the night, he woke up Hugh to tell him that he loved him (to which Hugh responded, “Okay. I don't love it when you wake me up though.")

The next day, Adrian was invited to a birthday party. He was super excited because it was the first birthday party he attended after the Age of Anarchy. Adrian hadn’t looked that happy in months, and even though Simon didn’t feel like going, he did, just so he could share that little moment of happiness with his son. The three of them walked down the street to the house where the party was being hosted, and it didn’t take long for Adrian to join the other kids.

Hugh and Simon sat down at an empty table. They didn’t mind being the only ones there because, at least, they could talk to each other. Although, now that Simon remembered, they were, like, a feet apart from each other, and that morning, after he got out of the shower, he saw Hugh standing in front of the mirror while wearing a random shirt.

As soon as he walked into the room, he asked him:

“Do you think this shirt looks too… gay?”

And Simon just said:

“Love. Everything you wear looks gay.”

He ended up wearing another shirt anyway. And khakis.

Yeah.

Luckily, it was a one-time thing.

At that moment, he was feeling a little bit awkward because they didn’t know anybody at that party, but everyone else seemed to know each other. Simon was pretty sure that the only reason they weren’t actively trying to talk to them was that they weren’t sure if they could, not because those suburban mothers and their husbands were hate-criming them or something.

They definitely weren’t hate-criming them. And he wasn’t being sarcastic. Simon was also wearing khakis that day, plus a purple polo, so they ended up looking like a couple of straight friends who decided to adopt a kid to strengthen their friendship or something.

He was eating a brownie he had gotten from the candy bar when they both received a message from Kasumi about something that was going on at Headquarters and that she needed one of them to be there (adding “pretty please” at the end of the sentence so it didn’t sound too harsh).

They looked at each other and Hugh raised an eyebrow.

“Do you want me to go?”

Simon shrugged. “I can go if you want to.”

“No, I’ll go. You stay with Adrian. Let me say goodbye to him.”

Adrian got out of the trampoline as soon as he heard his name. Hugh explained the situation to him, but then assured him that they would see each other at the house, and then Adrian asked him if he wanted him to save some cake for him. He smiled, told him that would be nice, and kissed his forehead before going with the mom that was hosting the party to thank her for inviting them (only because Simon told him he had to, since he had seen enough movies to know that if he didn’t, those evil white mothers would hate them for the rest of their lives and wouldn’t let their kids play with theirs).

Adrian returned to the trampoline soon after that, and since Hugh hadn’t finished his brownie, Simon didn’t see why he couldn’t do it for him. He stayed there, doing his best not to think about all the things others may be saying about him for sitting at a table all by himself and fighting against his instinct to disappear.

Which he ended up doing when he heard some kid saying “ Pops ” right next to him.

It took him longer to realize that kid was Adrian and he was talking to him.

They stared at each other for a while before Simon said, “What’s wrong, darling?”

Adrian was smiling. There wasn’t anything wrong with him. “Can you enter the competition with me?”

But when he looked at where his kid was pointing, he realized there was something very wrong with that competition.

First of all, the judge was a clown that had been going around the party giving balloon animals and doing typical clown stuff with the kids, and he didn’t know why, but Simon had always had an irrational… not fear, but distrust towards clowns. Maybe it was because when he went to his first birthday party at the age of four, his animal balloon popped after just a few seconds of having him, and the clown, being completely done with him, gave him another and told him: “Don’t be gay, kiddo” , in a really rude and condescending tone (but who knows.)

Then, it was a dancing competition.

Dancing .

In front of another fifteen kids and their parents.

And Simon wanted to say no because he knew he didn’t have to do anything that would make him feel uncomfortable in any way…

But he ended up saying yes. Because he wanted to see Adrian happy, and he knew Adrian would be happy if they participated in the competition.

So he just nodded and let him guide him to the center of the dancefloor, which was only a small portion of the garden that was covered in gravel. Then, Adrian extended his hands towards him, Simon grabbed them and waited until the music started to play.

It wasn’t… that bad. Honestly, Simon has done more embarrassing things during his lifetime. For example, when Queen Bee punched him during a fight while she was wearing not one, but three rings, and she started to laugh as soon as she saw the first tears running down his face. Simon turned invisible so no one could see him, but it was already too late and everyone there already knew Dread Warden was crying like a little kid because a lady had punched him a little too hard.

And no one was laughing at him for that (except Queen Bee because, as his enemy, that was her job), but he felt like every single one of those people, who were more busy trying to escape the bees that were buzzing around during the fight, were actually paying enough attention to him to laugh at his tears. So that's why, that afternoon, while Adrian was having the time of his life trying to win that competition with his dad, he could only think that bunch of seven-year-olds was making fun of him (the same way those four-year-old made fun of him when the clown called him gay).

It felt like a lot. And they didn't win, but as soon as they got eliminated, he waited for Adrian to go back with the other kids, turned invisible, made his way to the bathroom, and proceeded to puke his guts out as soon as he kneeled in front of the toilet. He spent a good ten minutes waiting for the panic attack to pass before deciding he could go back to the party as nothing had happened.

The first thing he saw after returning to the backyard, was Adrian looking around, totally lost in that sea of people. And as soon as he noticed Simon was there, he let go of the balloon animal he was holding, and just ran towards him and hugged him tightly by the waist.

Simon immediately hugged him back.

A little confused. But he didn't hesitate to hug him back.

“Pops… I'm feeling sick” Adrian mumbled.

“You're feeling sick?” he nodded slightly. That was his chance. “You know, I'm feeling a little bit sick too. What if we… just— go home?”

Adrian was super on board with that idea and didn't let go of Simon while he did his best to look normal while he said goodbye to the birthday boy and his parents. They had served the cake while he was gone, so the mom gave him four pieces inside a small plastic container, which only meant he was going to go back to that house to return it to her.

When they arrived at the house, Adrian grabbed him by the waist again and he refused to let him go, even after Simon kindly asked him to do it so he could make some tea for the two of them (because, for what Adrian told him while they were in the car, he was dizzy and had a stomach ache). But Adrian grabbed him tighter, so Simon had to be extra careful while making the chamomile tea because he was terrified of burning his kid with the boiling water. Then, he put both cups in a small tray and slowly walked to the living room, where he put it on the coffee table and sat down with Adrian on the couch.

Adrian grabbed his cup (that was shaped like an orange and had a smiley face) and Simon realized it was the first time he drank tea with him.

“Be careful, darling.”

“I will…”

And while he saw him sipping his tea, he just knew he had to ask him.

“Adrian— did something happen while I was gone?” he whispered. Adrian didn’t turn to see him. “Did— the kids laugh at you? Did someone there make you feel… bad? You can tell me.”

Adrian continued sipping his tea a little bit before putting it back on the tray. After that, he finally looked him in the eye, opened his mouth to answer, and—

He started crying.

When he finally managed to calm down a little, he explained to him that he got scared when he went to the table to ask him if he wanted cake too because he thought something bad had happened to him.

Adrian— well, he thought that Simon had died.

And it broke his heart because it wasn’t like Adrian didn’t have a completely valid reason to believe that.

So they stayed there, on the couch, hugging each other, until Adrian stopped crying and told him he wanted to go play with his toys.

His tea was already cold by then. But Adrian had finished his’, so that was a good thing. He knew chamomile tea helped to reduce anxiety levels.

It didn’t help him though.

Hugh called Simon to tell him he was going to stay at Headquarters the rest of the day and Adrian suddenly developed supernatural hearing because he was able to hear his dad’s voice from the other side of the house. He asked Simon to pass him the phone and stayed a couple of minutes talking with Hugh, telling him about how awesome the party had been and that he wanted to see him again soon.

Then, the rest of the day went as normal. Except that, occasionally, Adrian left what he was doing and went to where Simon was. Just... to make sure he was still there, he guessed.

At least he wasn’t saying anything about the fact of Hugh not being there with them. Because Adrian only had two moods when it came to the relationship with his dads, and one of them was “If I don’t see you and my daddy in this exact moment, right in front of me, I’m literally gonna cry and scream until I explode” , and it would have been a little bit difficult to deal with that at the moment.

He didn’t say anything when he put on his pajamas and went upstairs to wait for Simon to finish his chores so they could go to bed together. It took him a little bit longer than he expected because he was organizing the fridge (he spent like forty minutes trying to remember the very specific organization system Hugh had implemented the first minute they moved to that house), but he eventually did and when he entered the room, Adrian was already falling asleep.

So he kissed him goodnight and tried to sleep too.

He was about to do it when Hugh opened the bedroom’s door.

Instead of saying “I’m home” , “Hi, love” , or even asking “What’s the kid doing here?” , he greeted him with:

“Did you clean the fridge?”

And Simon immediately knew he had messed up the organization system.

“Yes, I did. It smelled like eggs.”

“The cheese goes next to the eggs. Animal products go together.”

He didn’t sound mad.

He sounded condescending, but he kind of knew he didn’t mean to.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he answered.

He heard him taking his uniform off before putting on normal clothes, and he laid next to Adrian. He slightly opened his eyes and a small smile appeared on his face; then he rolled over and got closer to him.

They waited for Adrian to fall asleep again before they started talking about their days.

“So, yeah,” Simon said after finishing the tale of how he had a panic attack so violent that he ended up puking in a very elegant and suburban bathroom at a stranger’s house. “I think dancing is not my thing.”

“Dancing sucks,” Hugh said. Adrian was drooling a little bit on his shirt, but either he didn't notice or he just didn't care. “I have never had… a panic attack over that, but… I don’t like it. It feels unnatural. And I’m not very good at it anyway.”

“You don’t like doing things you’re not good at.”

“Not gonna lie, it kind of hurts my ego.”

Simon snorted and Hugh smiled a little bit.

A day after that, Adrian asked Simon if they could go eat at that fast food restaurant they had passed by last week when they were going to Headquarters. He agreed and the three of them went to the exact place Adrian said. It was located in a… “not very nice zone” and apparently, all the parents of the city had decided to bring their kids there too, which meant it was loud and messy, and those employees were obviously overworked.

Hugh and he would have turned around as soon as they saw the state of the place, but Adrian was in a weird mood, and it was Simon’s turn to make dinner, something he didn’t feel like doing. So he told Hugh to pick something at random (after he spent a whole minute looking at the options) and order a combo with a toy for Adrian, plus twenty nuggets that Simon was not willing to share with any members of his family.

Adrian’s order arrived first. He had already finished his burguer when his dads got their meals, and he announced to them (because he wasn't going to ask for permission) that he was going to go play at the playground. Hugh told him to be careful, but Adrian practically ignored him and took off before he could even finish saying “... and don’t you dare take off your socks while you’re inside that thing”.

Simon started to play with Adrian’s toy (a cheap action figure of a random white man that wore a green jacket and was winking at him) while Hugh saw through the glass that separated them from the playground area, probably making sure Adrian didn’t get hurt or took off his socks, which in his head, would have been worse.

When Hugh was finally able to calm down, he turned to see Simon.

“So— you really eat those twenty nuggets by yourself.”

“Nineteen,” Simon corrected. “This—” he showed the nugget to him “—is the last one. Do you want it?”

He had his own nuggets and a cheeseburger he hadn’t finished yet. “Only if you don’t want it.”

“Nah. I do want it,” he answered. “I was just trying to be nice.”

Simon put the nugget inside his mouth and while he was chewing it, he realized Hugh was staring at him, but he couldn’t figure out why until he blurted out:

“I'm sorry I wasn't there for you during the party.”

He wasn’t expecting that.

“Oh—” he took a sip of his soda “—Don’t worry. You didn’t know.”

“Next time call me. So I can help you.”

And he promised himself (and Hugh) he would do it by taking his hand under the table and nodding, before resting his head on his shoulder.

“Do you think I shouldn’t have eaten those twenty nuggets?” he asked after a while.

“Not all at,” Hugh assured him. “Actually, it was very sexy of you.”

“I feel very sexy right now, not gonna lie.”

“Good. Because I think you should kiss me. If you’re in the mood for that.”

Simon was in the mood for that. He first kissed Hugh’s cheek, but he thought it wasn’t enough, so he decided to go for his lips. He wasn’t able to stop when he felt Hugh’s putting his hand on his knee, and before they could start making out in the middle of a restaurant as if they were a couple of straight teenagers, he heard a pitched voice say “Ew!”, which immediately made them break the kiss and go into fight mode, ready to be kicked out and banned from ever coming back there.

But it was only Adrian.

“Ew, pops, don’t do that,” he kept saying. “Why are you kissing him?”

“Because he’s my husband, Adrian. And your dad.”

Adrian crossed his arms and frowned.

“Well, I don’t like it—” he extended his hand “—Can I have some ice cream, pops?”

“You didn’t finish your fries, son,” Hugh pointed out. But he didn’t listen to him, again, and asked Simon once more if he could have some ice cream, making a lot of emphasis when he pronounced “pops” .

And there it was, Adrian’s second mood: “I only love you, pops, and if someone gives me enough candy bars, I would throw Captain Chromium down the stairs.”

A year has gone by since then. Therapy and meds had helped him a lot so he had never needed to call him during a panic attack, mostly because when that happened, someone was always willing to help him. For example, one time Tamaya and Simon went to a departmental store during their lunch break because she wanted to buy a bag of eggnog gummies that were only sold there, and Adrian decided to join them. There, Simon turned around for a quick second to check a mirror that would look amazing at their house before realizing that his kid had disappeared. He could see Tamaya looking at some little bird statues that they sold there (being extra careful as to not hit anything with her wings), but Adrian was nowhere to be seen. So obviously he started this frenetic search for him, which lasted, like, five minutes, because Tamaya eventually found Simon, and told him that Adrian had been with her the whole time, just that he was too short for Simon to notice him. They had to go to the restroom and Tamaya grabbed Simon’s and Adrian’s hands while they both calmed down, telling them from time to time that everything was all right (but deep down, Simon knew it really wasn’t; they were in the ladies restroom and there was a mother with his kid that looked at them in a weird way).

Tamaya must have told Kasumi about the whole thing because she taught him a few strategies she had learned to control her own panic attacks. She had been going to therapy too but read a few books about spirituality and meditation, not because she was super into it, but because she thought some concepts were interesting. One time, Evander was the only one there and since empathy wasn’t his strong suit, the only thing he kept saying was “Breathe, Simon, breathe, for fuck’s sake”. He wasn’t yelling, but he wasn’t being nice either, and honestly, that attitude only worsened Simon’s state; he even began to scream that he needed to go to the hospital because he thought he was dying, and Evander began to panic too because he had never been alone when Simon was in that state. Eventually, Simon remembered the promise he made and tried to reach for his phone while mumbling something about calling Hugh, but Evander told him not to worry about it, that he was going to call him.

And Evander, instead of grabbing his phone and doing that, opened the door, and after making sure no one else was there, he yelled:

“HUGH, SIMON NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU!”

Hugh was there in a matter of seconds.

Most of the time, he was there in a matter of seconds.

He kind of knew that if he ever needed the same kind of help, Hugh was going to call him but he never did. Not until a couple of months ago.

They were at a Women’s Day event. There was a group of dancers that was going to do a kind of opening number; a performance in honor of the victims of femicide. Tamaya was going to give a speech about the issue and how that day wasn’t of celebration, but of reflection and remembrance. Kasumi was hugging her ukulele case (she was going to perform a song she had written during the Age of Anarchy, which she refused to show the rest of the team), Evander was reading a pamphlet someone had given him, and Simon was holding Hugh’s hand, trying to hide the fact they weren’t doing much.

Suddenly, Hugh asked him: “Why is it so hot in here?”

They were at Cosmopolis Park and it was March. He didn’t feel it was that hot to be honest.

Evander turned to see them and smirked. “I’m sorry.”

Kasumi rolled her eyes and Tamaya hit him in the back of the head, without even bothering to take her eyes away from her notes.

Hugh didn’t think it was funny. “I’m being serious— It’s really hot.”

“Change into your civilian clothes after the inauguration,” Kasumi said.

The five of them were wearing their uniforms. Tamaya had a purple kerchief (that represented the feminist movement) around her wrist and Kasumi had a green one (that represented the fight for reproductive rights). Evander and Simon had talked about changing their clothes and put on the gray t-shirts the male members of patrol units were wearing. Only the female members were wearing their full uniforms because when the sun started to go down, there was going to be a march and they were going to be the ones protecting the people there. Tamaya and Kasumi had told them that the feminist organizations they were in contact with had told them they didn’t want any male patrol units during the march, but said that if Hugh, Simon, Evander, or Adrian wanted to go, they could. Simon was the only one who told them he accepted, Hugh and Evander remained quiet, and he wasn’t even sure if Adrian was aware of the situation, since he had decided to stay at Headquarters with Prism.

But Simon was about to tell Hugh about what Evander and he were going to do when Hugh said: “ No .”

Because he was working. And when he was working, he had to wear his superhero suit.

Tamaya and Kasumi had more important matters to attend to, so they dismissed Hugh and continued with their plans. The leader of the dance group told them they were ready, and the five of them walked to the stage. Instead of being the first one to talk (like he did at every event) Hugh stayed back and allowed Tamaya to do her thing.

He didn't seem like he wanted to do a lot of talking anyways. Simon could tell that pretending he wasn't uncomfortable wearing his suit that day was taking a lot of his energy, and he even began to think his husband was going to faint in front of all the cameras (but it was probably just his anxiety talking, like always).

When Tamaya finished, they watched the whole performance with the rest of the public. The dancers were wearing black clothes and purple kerchiefs, but six of them had white dresses with red paint that pretended to be blood. They danced while other women in the background sang the song and played some drums. At the end of the performance, a little girl entered the stage and yelled: “Justice for Lady I!” , before letting go of the six balloons she was holding.

Simon clapped until his hands were numb.

And until he realized Hugh was gone.

“Where is he?” Simon asked Tamaya.

She knew exactly what he was talking about.

“In the middle of the performance, he told me he wanted to go somewhere else,” she said.

Then she went quiet again. So Simon added: “Did he tell you where he was going to be?”

“I didn't ask him. I just said 'Elope, bitch' . And he did.”

Simon started to look for him in the crowd until he felt his phone vibrating on his pants. He didn't see who was calling but, for some reason, he knew it was Hugh.

“Hello?”

The other side of the line remained quiet.

For a second, Simon's imagination started to run wild and he was already imagining a scenario where someone had kidnaped Hugh (somehow) and he wasn't able to talk because if he did, they were going to hurt him or someone else. But then, he saw him in the distance, near some trees and a little bit far away from the event, and Simon walked towards him. Without hanging up the phone, just in case.

He only did it when he was right next to him.

Hugh didn't say anything for a long time. And Simon didn't, either, mainly because he was waiting for the answer to his question of “Is there anything I can do for you?” , an answer that never arrived.

Then, he proved with:

“Did you see the whole performance?”

Hugh turned to see him. They were both sitting under a tree, gazing at the distance.

He said, with a monotone voice and an emotionless expression:

“I will never understand contemporary dance.”

After a couple of minutes, he asked him if they could go back home ( home ; not the Headquarters) and Simon accepted. Hugh went the whole way without talking to him, massaging his temple, and when he asked him if there was something wrong, he told him he had a headache, but in a very… weird way.

He was irritable. To say the least. So Simon decided that the best thing he could do at that moment was to not intervene and just keep driving.

Hugh went upstairs and locked himself in their room, while Simon waited for Prism to take Adrian back home before the march started so she could go join them. He managed to keep Adrian downstairs so he didn't go and bother his other dad. It wasn't until 11 PM, when Adrian was already asleep and Kasumi told him the march had ended, that he decided to go check on Hugh.

It was pretty late but the TV was on and he was completely awake.

It didn’t surprise him at all.

“Are you feeling better?”

But instead of answering, he asked back: “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. I just— I stayed downstairs. I guessed you didn’t want to be bothered.” Simon tried to recognize the show that was on, but couldn’t. “What are you watching?”

He sat down on the mattress and Hugh got closer to him. Simon took it as a sign he wanted to cuddle, so he laid next to him and rested his head on his chest.

“You know what other thing I will never understand?”

Contemporary dance.

“What?”

“People who go out with their partners to take dance classes. And dance competitions.”

“Everything that has to do with dancing, then.” He nodded. “Don’t worry. After the clown thing, I’ve hated anything that has to do with dancing too.”

“It’s too… complicated.”

“Yes.”

“You need a lot of coordination”

“You do.”

“And people are looking at you.”

“They definitely are.”

Hugh smiled a little bit. “No, they’re not. Don’t be silly. People don’t care.”

After that, Simon could at least be sure that Hugh would never take him to dance classes or make him enter dance competitions. It just… wasn’t their thing.

Maybe, their thing was to stay at Headquarters until very late at night, finishing their paperwork, with the rest of the Council.

Like they had been doing the last couple of hours.

Tamaya had been the first one to go home. Her husband had called her and said that her kid didn’t want to go to sleep if his mom wasn’t there to read him a bedtime story. Hugh said that Evander could finish her share of the paperwork and before he could refuse, she answered: “Well, thank you very much, Blacklight” and left. After that, Evander spent a good entire minutes bitching about how Hugh couldn’t just give him more responsibilities just because, to which Hugh responded “Yes, I can” , and Kasumi had to tell both of them to stop because Adrian was there. According to her, if they started to yell curse words to each other, he was going to start repeating the same words every time he was angry and kids weren’t supposed to swear (even though she was ten when Simon heard her say “Oh, fuck” for the first time).

After Evander and Kasumi finished their respective share of the paperwork (plus Tamaya’s) they decided they were going to spend the night there because it was already too late. Simon and Hugh were distracted for a little while, discussing something related to what they were doing, when suddenly, Kasumi and Evander were already inflating a mattress with a pump they had taken out of nowhere. When they asked them where they got those things, Evander just answered they hadn’t revealed all their secrets yet.

Suddenly, the air pump broke at the same time the crayon Adrian was using to color a couple of butterflies did, and Kasumi and he whispered, at the same time:

“Oh, fuck.”

Simon thought everyone was going to die of laughter right there. Everyone except Kasumi. She was going to die of embarrassment.

After she apologized to Adrian for swearing in front of him, Evander got a couple of blankets for them to put on the mattress so it was a little bit more comfortable for them. They asked Adrian if he wanted to sleep with them, but Adrian said he wasn’t sleepy yet. Still, Kasumi told Evander to leave a small space for Adrian in case he changed his mind.

They fell asleep almost immediately.

And soon after that, the baby monitor Simon carried around practically everywhere let them know that Max had woken up and was crying.

“Hugh—”

“Yes, I’ll go. Wait here.” He got closer to the door, but then he turned around to see Adrian, who was still drawing. “When I’m back, you better be asleep, Sketch.”

Adrian rolled his eyes and growled, but instead of getting angry or something, Hugh laughed and left.

Five minutes went by.

Then, fifteen.

Then, half an hour.

Forty minutes.

An hour.

Simon felt his eyes were burning and his whole body felt like it didn’t belong to him. Luckily all the paperwork was gone now, and Adrian was holding the baby monitor in his small hands.

Max wasn’t crying anymore, but he could hear Hugh’s voice, although he couldn’t understand exactly what he was saying.

“What’s going on?” he asked Adrian.

Adrian looked more tired than before, but not that much. They definitely were messing up his sleeping schedule. “Daddy has been trying to put Max in his crib a couple of times but when he tries to leave he starts crying again.”

Simon nodded and tried not to think about it.

He really tried not to think about it.

“Pops,” Adrian called him. “I’m tired. I wanna go to bed.”

Finally.

“Well—” and an idea popped into his head “—let’s go with your daddy and Max to tell them we’re leaving. So you can say goodnight to them too.”

Adrian agreed to do that and being extra careful as not to disturb Evander and Kasumi, they walked through the practically empty corridors, holding hands and feeling like ghosts in an abandoned building (although he knew it was not abandoned, there were some people still there, just not in that area specifically).

They arrived at Max’s quarantine area and all the lights were out. It took him more than a second to notice Hugh sitting on the floor, in the middle of the room, barefoot and only wearing his undershirt and his blue leggings. He was holding Max close to his chest and had an empty bottle in his left hand.

He looked done. He looked so freaking done, but Max, on the other hand, looked very pleased with himself, sucking on his pacifier and with his brown eyes wide open.

Simon tried to hide his laugh. “What happened you guys?”

“Ask your kid,” Hugh answered. “He started it.”

“Just leave him in the crib,” Adrian said, a little bit impatient.

Hugh stood up, walked towards the crib, and, without taking his eyes away from Adrian, he put Max there. And Max, obviously, began to scream so loud that Adrian covered his ears.

“I can’t,” Hugh said. He hugged his baby once more and his screams turned into really quiet sobs. “He’s being a real Westwood right now.”

Simon pretended not to be offended by that joke (a joke Adrian was too young to understand and too tired to care about.)

He put his hands on his kid’s shoulders. “Adrian wants to go to bed,” he told Hugh. “And honestly, me too.”

“And I would love to join you,” Hugh said, “but, you know… your baby is holding me hostage. The Westwood genes—”

“Captain—”

“Okay, don’t get mad.” He pulled Max closer to him. “He won’t close his eyes. And I’ve already tried almost everything.”

Adrian bumped his head against the glass and Simon imitated him. If Hugh hadn’t been holding Max, he would probably do that too.

When looked up again, he wanted to wish him good luck with the Max thing and that he should ask Evander and Kasumi before getting in their improvised bed (if he didn't want to sleep on the floor and preferred something a little bit more comfortable) (although he suspected Evander was going to get all defensive and Hugh was going to have to sleep in the floor anyways.) But he couldn't because the first thing he noticed was that the room was covered in a dark blue light that came out of a small sphere that was one of Max's night lights.

Hugh didn't notice Simon's confusion.

“Love, don't you think that's going to have an opposite effect?” he asked him, doing his best not to sound too… rude.

“No, not at all,” Hugh answered. “He likes it. I don't know if it's the colors or what but he likes it.”

“Good, but the point it's for him to fall asleep,” he insisted. “Not if he likes it or not.”

But he pretended as if he hadn't listened to him and turned on the other night light.

Immediately, the room was filled with yellow stars that contrasted with the blue veil that filled their vision.

At that moment, Simon realized Max was looking at him. He smiled at him, his baby smiled back, and then hid his face on his dad's chest. Then, Simon turned invisible, and when Max looked at him again, he reappeared, making him giggle.

And he hid his face again.

It was a game they constantly played when he was visiting him. And he hoped they would never stop playing it.

“What are you doing?” Adrian asked Hugh, who was scrolling through his cellphone, almost mindlessly.

“I'm searching for a— for a song… a song Max likes,” he mumbled. Then, he clicked his tongue. “Max likes a very specific song, and I play it when nothing else works. It is so energetic, it makes him very tired. But… I can't find it right now.”

Max turned his face around and Simon appeared once more.

“Why don't you sing it to him?” he wondered.

“Oh, no, he cries every time I try to sing a song for him—” he stopped looking at his phone for a second “—Every single time, Si. I don't know what's with him and my singing. He just goes crazy and it's impossible to calm him down. Won't try again, zero out of ten.”

After a few more scrolling, Hugh ended up finding the song and smiled. He put his phone on a small table, and he and Simon made eye contact for a moment.

“You'll see he'll fall asleep after playing this,” Hugh told him. “Don't worry.”

Then, the song started playing.

Hugh sat Max inside his crib, but this time, he didn't cry. He just looked back at his dad, waiting for something to happen.

Adrian grabbed his hand and tried to pull him away. Then, tried doing the same with Simon's cape. But Simon was way too intrigued by Hugh's strategy. Mainly because he had never heard about it, even though he said it wasn't his first time doing it.

And he tried not to think about that.

So instead of walking away, he pulled Adrian closer to him and silently told him to stay still. Just for a while.

Hugh grabbed Max’s wrist very carefully and started moving them around.

Close your tired eyes, relax, and then,

Count from one to ten and open them.

All these heavy thoughts will try to weigh you down,

but not this time...

Simon wished he had brought a camera with him. Because Max looked as if he were dancing to the song and it was freaking adorable.

Way up in the air you're finally free,

and you can stay up there right next to me.

Hugh let go of Max’s wrists and stepped back a couple of meters. Max, once again, didn’t start crying and continued dancing in his baby way, wiggling his body and staring at his dad with a smile on his face.

All this gravity will try to pull you down,

but not this time...

Maybe it was the fact that Simon wasn’t aware of Max’s weird tendency to sleep when they played upbeat songs. Or maybe that he had never heard that song. He had seen him dancing at public events, with him or with other members of the Council. He had also seen him dancing during their wedding day, and he was dancing with him.

But he hadn’t seen him dancing like that before.

The chorus started and he lip-synced the lyrics while moving his feet. The stars moved around the room and the blue light gave the impression of him being in the middle of the space, among the universe that had made him and every single prodigy out there the way they were. He flapped his arms as if he was trying to imitate the shooting stars the singer was talking about. Colorful sparkles and rainbow comets seemed to appear all around him, surrounding him in a weird but beautiful whirlwind. But he didn’t even bother to look at them like he didn’t care about the things that were going on around him because at that moment, the only thing that existed there was him and the beat.

During the small bridge between the chorus and the next verse, he opened his eyes again, and their gazes crossed once more.

And since Simon knew that face as if it were his own, he could notice he was starting to feel embarrassed.

Adrian pulled his cape once more.

“Come on, Adrian,” he said, grabbing his older son by the wrist, “let’s show your brother and the Captain how we dance.”

Hugh started laughing and Adrian tried to kick him. “Noooo, let me go,” he complained.

“Hey, don’t be like that, it will be fun,” Simon insisted. Adrian stopped yelling and let his dad grab both of his hands, frowning and pouting. “Are you gonna let my husband dance better than us?”

He didn’t want to appeal to any of his two moods, but apparently, he did.

“No,” he answered immediately. “I’m the best dancer in this family.”

“Prove it,” Hugh said from the other side of the glass, casually leaning against Max’s crib. “We’re waiting.”

He remained completely still for a couple of seconds, gazing at him, and Simon started to move Adrian’s hands around like Hugh had done with Max before. His expression dulled little by little, and when he was finally convinced, he let out a very loud “UGH, FINE!” , with the same tone he had used to be homophobic at the restaurant. Simon laughed out loud and Hugh took his imaginary hat off, to let him know that the floor was his.

Gaze into my eyes when the fire starts,

and fan the flames so hot, it melts our hearts.

Oh, the pouring rain, will try to put it out,

but not this time…

First, Adrian moved his arms as if they were dancing a weird version of one of those vintage dances Simon had only seen on TV, similar to what they were doing during the party he constantly thought about. Then, Simon made him spin and they let go of each other, so Adrian could start giving it all, dancing like the guys from the (kind of) cheesy movies he liked to watch, which the professional actors made look cool but when he did it, were hilarious and lovely.

Let your colors burn and brightly burst

into a million sparks that all disperse,

and illuminate a world that'll try to bring you down,

but not this time...

“Pops, you’re not dancing!” Adrian suddenly yelled while pointed at him with an evil grin on his face. “You’re not dancing! Your husband is going to take us down if you don’t dance!”

Hugh had been moving up and down slightly because he knew that was Adrian’s moment to show off, but when he heard Adrian yelled that he got closer to them, dancing with more emphasis and pointing at Simon, like daring him to a duel. Adrian grabbed him by the waist to shake him up a little, and Simon just yelled: “I GOT IT, I GOT IT!”.

Because he got it. He knew he had to dance too.

Even if he wasn’t sure of how to do it.

And it was probably so obvious that Hugh noticed that small detail because as soon as the chorus started once again, he raised his arms, and Simon, without doubting, followed his lead. Then, he spread them, and it reminded him of when they were little and liked to think that they could develop flying abilities if they pretended they were planes. Simon moved a little bit to the left, then a little bit to the right, and realized they matched with the song and he didn’t look dumb at all while doing it.

Especially because Hugh was mirroring each of his movements and he was smiling and laughing, and even began to sing, just a little bit.

“The judges said that singing is not allowed during the competition,” said Adrian with a teasing tone of voice.

Hugh spun two times and Simon spun one.

“The evaluation criteria is completely arbitrary,” Hugh grinned. “I don’t understand it, it doesn’t exist to me.”

Adrian shook his head with fake exasperation and proceeded to shake his head from side to side, while snapping his fingers and singing the lyrics too, pretending he had a better singing voice than his dad did. Which was true.

Simon was about to make a joke about it, when he saw something moving in Max’s crib.

And he realized he had been completely terrified of not being there when that eventually happened.

He was holding onto the crib bars as if his life depended on it. His pacifier had fallen off his mouth, but he didn’t care and was staring at the rest of his family, completely poker-faced because obviously, he was so little he didn’t comprehend how amazing it was what he was doing.

Max was still too young to understand how amazing he was.

“MAX, YOU’RE STANDING!” Simon cheered. “HUGH, THE BABY IS STANDING!”

A thousand heartbeats beat in time…

Hugh turned around violently and Adrian pointed at his little brother immediately after noticing too, squealing and jumping. “He is! He really is!”

And when all the eyes went on Max, instead of hiding like he did every time someone who wasn’t the Council or his parents visited him, his whole face lit up and Simon could hear his baby laugh from the other side of the glass even louder than he could hear the music.

It makes this dark planet come alive...

Adrian continued to cheer his brother, stomping his feet and using the glass that divided them like a drum, and Hugh threw a glance at Simon, before looking at Max again and opening his arms as if Max was able to run to him and hug him.

“Max, you’re standing!” Hugh repeated. “Congratulations, love!”

So when the lights flicker out tonight...

Max's smile widened even more and he began his body up and down, with an intent to join the party. Simon couldn’t help but imitate his movements, and suddenly he got an idea.

You gotta shine...

He grabbed an invisible mic, pointed at the baby that was giggling so hard he had his eyes closed, and began to sing:

“When the sun goes down and the lights burn out, then it’s time for you to shine! Brighter than a shooting star! So shine no matter where you are! ”

Max's movements became quicker and his laugh louder. Adrian took out his imaginary guitar, and continued to stomp his feet while making guitar noises with his mouth because he was sure that he had just become an amazing musician and nothing could stop him.

And he looked so convinced that Simon believed him, because Adrian was as amazing as he believed he was, and he would never let anyone make him believe otherwise.

“Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light, 'cause it's time for you to shine!”

Finally, he saw Hugh grabbing two drumsticks that only existed inside his head, and beginning to play the battery, making all the stars and colorful sparkles jump around him, leaving small traces of their existence all around his face. He threw the drumsticks in the air, spun once more, and finally caught them in the air, before continuing playing his instrument.

Simon knew that Hugh was completely aware of how amazing he was. Prodigies with powers like the ones he had weren’t born every day, and prodigies who also had the exact combination of characteristics that allowed him to go as far as he had been able to go were even fewer.

But sometimes Simon did wonder if he knew he was also amazing when he wasn't being Captain Chromium.

Captain Chromium would never be able to make those rainbow sparkles shine as bright as Hugh Everhart was doing it right now, and Simon thought it was one of the most beautiful views his eyes would ever be able to see.

So when he spun again and tripped with his own feet, leaning against the glass to not hit his head with it, Simon pressed his hand against the glass.

“BRIGHTER THAN A SHOOTING STAR! ” Adrian yelled. “SO SHINE NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE!”

And we wondered again.

Do you know it?

Do you know how amazing you are being right now?

Please tell me you do.

But he never did. The singer, Adrian, and Max mumbled “Tonight” at the same time, although Max did in a way only he could understand and without even noticing what he was saying.

Simon smiled at Hugh, and he smiled back at him, as he always did.

When he walked to Max's crib and carried him in his arms, he noticed the sparkles were completely gone. But he still grabbed Max's little wrist and waved goodbye at them, while his baby's eyelids started getting heavy. Then, before he could do the same thing with Adrian, he threw a kiss at them, before hugging Simon's arm and asking him if they could go to sleep now, again.

Simon looked at Hugh one more time. Hugh tilted his head, smiled a little bit more, and said:

“Good night, Si.”

And Si laughed under his breath.

“Good night to you too. Shooting Star.”

He never called him like that again.

But it was alright because Hugh never danced like that again. And no one could see the same shooting star twice.

Still, Simon wanted to believe that someday he would.

Maybe someday.

#renegades ship week #renegades ship week 1 #renegades #archenemies #supernova #renegades trilogy #hugh everhart #simon westwood #adrian everhart-westwood #max everhart-westwood #the warden and the captain are sitting in a tree #obsi's writs #i knew i said that im gonna strat posting only on ao3 but this is for an event #gifts and event fics are gonna go here too JAJAJAJA

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all0nsyidjits · 3 years

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Guess I'm going to out myself here just a bit. I'm a Lokean. In fact I'm a Godspouse have been since July of 2011. I came to realize who the imaginary friend I had as a kid who never really went away was via pop culture. Before you roll your eyes and dismiss me as a Marvel Loki fangirl let me explain. I didn't fall in love with Tom Hiddleston or his version of Loki. In fact a whole other fandom brought me to Loki. See I'm a fan of the show Supernatural and a favorite character was Gabriel who starts off as the Trickster then it is revealed that he is really the archangel Gabriel who skipped out of heaven and hid his true identity by pretending to be a trickster god, Loki to be exact. I wanted to write a fanfiction about Gabriel's time posing as Loki but I knew shit all about Norse mythology aside from the names of some of the Gods and Godessess. So I started researching and reading the lore and by accident stumbled across a few Lokean blogs. Shortly after Loki showed up and I proceeded to start to question my sanity. I'd gotten into Wicca in my early teens so I had some concept of Pagan deities and all things woo. Still having a god show up and just want to hang out and talk freaked me right the heck out. When he started flirting I was sure I'd completely lost my shit. Slowly he calmed me down and earned my trust. I found others who had been His for a long time and they helped me navigate this new relationship.

Then the Thor movies came out and suddenly everytime I went online there was a new Lokean Godspouse. Loki is not one to waste free PR I guess. I stayed active in the community for awhile but then the cattiness of some in the community made me decide to go solitary. Years passed I rarely missed the community. Loki and I just did our own thing. Sometimes Loki would be gone for some pretty long stretches. Still he was here and things were good.

Then 2020 happened. Look in all honesty I can be a bit of an introvert. I tend to withdraw from people if I sense to much conflict or tension. It's not so much my true nature but more a trauma response to withdraw. My childhood was well complicated. But I'm getting off track here what I mean to say is 2020 was a really shitty year for me and my family. In June I cought Covid 19 I never got all that sick, but the body aches and fatigue never quite went away. Then at the end of July my husband who is diabetic and has neuropathy stepped on a tac and ended up with MRSA. He nearly lost his foot and could have died. He was hospitalized for a month and out of work for three. I worked myself to a frazzle. At one point I had three jobs and was on the clock for 23 hours and 45 minutes one day. I was headed for a breakdown. My husband physically seemed to be on the mend, but his personality was no longer the kind, easygoing affectionate, man I had known for nearly twenty years. Then came the suicide attempt. Like I said it's been a rough since about this time last year.

When my husband made the suicide attempt Loki showed back up worried about both of us. Loki and my mortal husband know about each other. They like each other so please nobody suggest that Loki is trying to get rid of my mortal husband. When we married the priestess who married us was well aware that Loki was part of the ceremony and that I was marrying the both of them. We've been happily married and Loki always felt like I would be okay during his absences because I had someone else that he trusted there with me.

At first Loki tried to be my distraction from all the stress, he's really good at that. Then Loki started to worry I worried about mortal hubby and Loki worried about me. Many pleas to slow down before I had a breakdown too and Loki finally put his foot down I had to learn to say no and I had to take care of me if I was going to take care of anybody else. Finally the tears and the exhaustion came after my husband told a lie that made me look like a very bad person. My mother-in-law went off on me I had been up for three days with only about four hours sleep and those weren't even consecutive hours and I was reduced to a sobbing mess. Like so many times before Loki was there to catch me He let me cry, He let me rage, when the worst had passed I looked at Him.

"So I guess being the God of change you're going to tell me to throw away twenty years of my life and file for divorce." I asked.

"Oh you think you know me so well Little One." Even at a such a solemn moment Loki can't resist using an old nickname from back in my childhood when he was the imaginary friend who took me on wild adventures far away from whatever was going on at home at the time. It had went from term of affection for a child he had chosen to protect to a teasing dig at my 5'3 height compared to well all of Them.

"Well aren't you?" I asked.

"Little one besides being the God of Change what else am I?" I start to rattle off titles and associations.

No let me rephrase that Little One who am I married to who are my Wives his voice somehow conveying the capital W that lets me know it is Sigyn and Angrboda he speaks of.

"Sigyn and Angrboda" I say.

And what Little one is my precious Sigyn the Goddess of?

Fidelity I answer and then it hits me She had stuck by Him through far worse.

So I'm here I'm staying but there are days when I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone human.

This year has been hard the isolation brought on by Covid 19 precautions is wearing on everyone in one way or another I think. Add to that the fact that I live in a very rural, very Conservative Christian area where I have to hide my witchy ways. Knowing full well just how many people in my life would utterly abandon me if they knew about Loki and my true beliefs. I can't talk about Him to well anyone besides my oldest and there are things about being a godspouse you wouldn't want to discuss with your kid. I used to have my husband but now talking to him about the most mundane things is a cross between walking on eggshells and navigating a mine field. I got lonely, really lonely.

Against my better judgement I decided to dip my toe back into the Lokean Community after walking away from all the groups, blogs, message boards ect in about 2013. So about 7 years as a solitary Lokean witch and I was ready to test the waters again.

I found a Lokean on social media (I don't want to draw any negative attention to this person because they are doing a fantastic job with what they are doing) so much of what they were saying resonated with me and I wanted to talk. Hey maybe I could make a friend. I commented maybe a bit too much. I meant no harm I was just excited to talk to someone after so long keeping it all to myself. Well that went spectacularly wrong and I ended up with someone who I'm pretty sure thinks of me as a rival or an enemy now. Loki being Loki was quick to remind me that my ramblings don't offend everyone. I had commented on a completely unrelated post about Him a few days earlier and within hours of the well I fucked up incident I'm reading a post by someone thanking me for talking about how I experience Loki because it resonated with them an affirmed a few things.

Then Loki was like I want you to start talking about me. I want you to rejoin the community. I was like oh hell to the no. Well you can see who won that argument. So here I am hoping I don't come to regret this.

#rokkatru #myth loki #loki deity #godspouse #lonliness #community #im a loner #loki you little shit #lokean #i fucking love him #i fucked up #socially awkward #dealing with depression #dealing with anxiety

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fy-2pm · 3 years

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[TRANS] 2PM's Junho 'ESQUIRE' Interview

Summer 2021, Drunk in Junho

The hot and gentle story Junho and I shared with "W by Windsor"

Q: The book "If Our Language is Whiskey" by Haruki Murakami is chosen for the shooting with "W by Windsor" (Hereinafter "W"). It's the perfect combination for a "Whiskey trip" to Scotland and Ireland with the 100% Scottish "W."

JH: This will be interesting. I like reading books. I've been reading a lot lately.

Q: What kind of book do you usually read?

JH: I don't have a favorite reading here. I try to read different kinds of genre and not just focus on a specific genre. Recently, I am into how to handle diseases and death. I read a variety of books. It feels good to know something. If I know about a certain topic, when we talk, we can share our opinions. Even while I was in the army, I don't want to miss the trend so I read more at that time.

Q: You read more during your army. Did anything change since you were discharged?

JH: It's been more than 100 days since my discharge and it's been really hectic. These were the busy days that I've missed, but I managed to adjust really quickly without any hard feelings. It feels like there is no empty space. I don't think I have changed a lot but I think my mindset has changed a bit. Comparing with the past, I want to treat everything more leisurely. I don't want to feel the rush, the struggle or under attack. I just want to do things step by step. That kind of feeling? I think the people around me can see this feeling too.

Q: That's right. 2PM members said "Junho has a hot temper"

JH: When I say I will do something, I will do it right away. I've achieved a lot because of this personality. However, as I look back to myself, there are times when I think if I should have thought about a little more.

Q: During the "Army hiatus" you received a nickname 'My House Junho'. When you find out, how did you react?

JH: It was at autumn 2019 when I just started serving. Because I really miss the stage, I've been looking up 2PM and my own videos. I could see that the number of views for "My House Junho" has increased gradually. I just thought, 'This will come to a stop soon'. It's like an event.

Q: It's a video but there are some interesting comments. It feels like a playground.

JH: It's becoming like a community. In there, it feels like you are competing with each other to see who can write something more interesting. It's amazing. One of the most memorable commend said, "I only realize what is spring after the flowers fell." It sounds sad but feels good. (Note: This is a common Korean phrase meaning I only realized something or someone is good after he/she it's gone)

Q: Spring has come again. You have come again.

JH: It means that we were like flowers. But ironically, I don't think we are gone yet.

Q: The more you think about it, the more touching this is.

JH: I think "My House" received a lot of love not because of algorithm or luch, but because fans have real interest in the song. Just by sharing the video, clicking to view and leaving comments, there are all hard work by fans. This is making it fun and we came across a situation where we can do this all over again. Thank you very much.

Q: It becomes a famous "Icon of Hard Work" and it's seeing the light.

JH: For whatever it is, my personality is to try to achieve it. At one point in time, I thought making an effort itself is difficult. After living like this for a long time, I got used to it and now, I don't think of it as making an effort anymore. I've been working hard on my exercise and die but this just become part of my daily life. But I do think about, 'How much long do I have to do this?' (Laugh).

Q: I think you're a person who will not give up. Junho played the role of Dong-Woo in the movie <Twenty>, where he gave up his dream and said, "Do you know how hard it i to give up?" Not giving up is hard but giving up is hard, too.

JH: I haven't really thought about give up. But if I do give up, I am going to give it up entirely so that I won't remember what happened. To the extreme where is either all or nothing. This is why I don't give up anymore. If you give up something, all that you have done is like nothing had happened.

Q: Even for giving up perfectionism.

JH: With this personality, it used to make me feel really tired. People around me must be tired, too. At one point in time, I feel this is just the way it is. There is nothing wrong with being perfect. But now, I think it's okay to be imperfect. I came to the realization that I cannot do everything by myself. There are also many people who are helping me.

Q: From "Best Idols" to everyone's "Adult Idols". When it comes to adult, you cannot skip the alcohol.

JH: I can't drink that often because I have to take care of my body with exercise and diet. But I do enjoy it. These days, I cannot just drink freely outside, so I will take a sip at home. Drink a little bit of Whiskey and it will make you fall asleep comfortably. I enjoy my alone time like that at home. I used to think coffee and alcohol are bitter. "Why would I drink that?" Now that I know the taste of coffee, I bought a coffee machine. I am also collecting vintage wine. I buy them and give them to people around me as gifts. Let's say you want to drink beer just as cold as coke. For Whiskey, you pour it out to enjoy the taste and aroma. I don't understand this taste before. I thought it was for just people who enjoy strong flavors.

Q: Knowing the taste of coffee and alcohol is like a symbol of adulthood. Especially for Whiskey, that's like the preservation of a mature adult. Actually, I go a little worried when I saw an article saying Junho is not good at drinking. I wonder if you will go well with "W."

JH: Right, I haven't talk much about alcohol. There were articles like "He could only take one glass of beer" or "He went home so early" for the after parties. I think the fans know that I am a weak drinker but it's not bad for them to think I am cute because of that. But I am not that crazily weak! (Laughs)

Q: There's this article where you said "I usually drink well but I refused to drink at an after party yesterday because of thinks interview". So I thought, "Being a weak drinker self-management is on another level"

JH: For sure, if you have a schedule, you have to have some self control. Even if you drink, just enough to feel good. But even if I drink and go to sleep, I feel refreshed the next day. I don't know if it's because my liver is still in good condition, but I don't usually suffer from hangovers.

Q: Many people say that you will suffer less hangovers drinking Whiskey than other alcohol. I think "W" is good for people like Junho who enjoys drinking comfortably.

JH: I think "W" is especially refreshing. It has a good aroma and it's smooth to swallow. Comparing with other alcohol, Whiskey seems to have a higher entry level but you can have "W" easily. Actually, it has a lower alcohol level than normal Whiskey. During today's filming, I can feel the aroma and I've been sipping little by little. Maybe that's why I feel good now (Laugh).

Q: What food will go well with "W"?

JH: They often have nuts and chocolate with Whiskey but i would like to recommend tteokbokki. It's not the spicy tteokbokki but the one with beef and sweet soy sauce. You may think "What do you mean by having tekkbokki with Whiskey?" Just do it. It goes well together.

Q: How do you usually drink Whiskey?

JH: It all depends on my mood or situation. I think you find your own way that suits you, so you can drink comfortably. If you want to go to sleep quickly, drink it in a small glass in one shot. If you want to watch a movie, drink it cold with ice. I've been drinking Whiskey with ice and that got me interested in big block of ice. I even looked up YouTube videos where bar mixologist carved some ice balls. I even thought about buying an ice ball maker.

Q: It's all about "equipment" (Laugh)

JH: Even for coffee, I started not knowing anything but I was curious. I bought coffee beans and did the grinding myself. But the grinding size is too big so I went to study how to make it smaller. It became more fun. The scope of Whiskey is even wider when you have experience the different between having Whiskey on its own or having it with it.

Q: In JTBC's <Knowing Bros> when talked about the reverse popularity with "My House Junho" Wooyoung said "It's all because of Junho's virtue. Junho is very careful in everything so that he won't hurt the members. He will sacrifice for the team" I wonder why he feels like this.

JH: I am working as 2PM and as an actor, so all my schedules need to go well together. There are times when drama comes, so I have to turn down 2PM activities. I think that can happen but it's normal. As an actor, it's difficult to do other things when you are involve in a drama. Even though, I can multi-task my schedules, it's still a problem I need to solve. So even when I don't have much sleep, I don't want to show I'm tired. I always want to make myself feel good.

Q: I think 2PM's charms are "bonds between members" and "consistency". Both sounds easy but it's difficult to do. How did you keep up?

JH: Consideration is the most important and you should never think selfishly. We have been together for 14 years, so one of us could have done that to another person. We weren't adults when we started, so we are always talking to each other and still is today. Our tastes, our personalities and what we want to do are all different. For sure, we compromise and we give in for others but we became more considerate. This is when you know this friend is so kind and considerate. I think this is similar to what Wooyoung said.

Q: Becoming a senior idol

JH: Over the years, we have accumulated lots of experienced and our fields were being broaden. I think we can be a good example with how we stayed together and continue to work as singers. "Bukae" is the trend these days (Note: Bukae means a second job)

Q: Do you any advice fro the juniors?

JH: Umm, let's do well? (Laugh). There's a big difference between good and bad examples. Always watch what you say. Always watch what you do. I hope we can promote happily with the juniors.

Q: There's this "daily energy". It's the energy that shape your daily life with small changes. What shapes Junho's daily life?

JH: Before the schedules start, I must get up. By doing so, it already shape my day.

Q: The process of being fully occupied and working hard is beautiful. Of course, the results are often great. "W" is also trying to maintain the brand's reputation by carefully selecting the undiluted Scotch Whiskey in Scotland. Junho, I wonder what effort you are making to keep o

JH: And I try not to sleep during my schedules unless I'm very tired. I want to do everything with a clear mind. When you wake up, you're dazing. There was a time when we had schedules at Seoul, Daejeon, Daegu and Busan in different broadcast programs. There was a time when I couldn't sleep on a bed for 2 weeks while we prepared for the end year ceremonies. I was sleeping in the moving car. It was all fun memory but at some point in time, we didn't know how it all went because it was so hectic. I really regret it because I don't want to forget as much as I can. That's why I became interested in photography and videography. I bought a camera and a camcorder to record.

Q: You've been busy since 17. I wonder if you have gone through adolescence.

JH: Of course, I did right? (Laughs). On the other hand, my parents worked in double jobs, so my realization of their importance came a little early. My dad worked as a sea navigator. I didn't see him for 6-12 months so I miss him even more. When I was in elementary school, I went to my mom's workplace and called out to her until she answered me and I cried "I miss you." Now that I think about it, I wonder how busy they were.

JH: I like things that are natural and light. I want to be a person who doesn't provoke or irritate, just like a piece of paper. Sometimes, it can be hard to keep it plain because I have my hot temper and fire but having this mindset keeps me neutralized. In <I Live Alone>, I used the moktak and this is one of my effort to do so. It's relaxing and makes me calmer.

Korean to English translation @JLML718 (Twitter)

#2pm #junho #p: photoshoot #e: interview #e: magazine #esquire #august 2021 issue #era: must

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yievie · 4 years

Text

whew! what’s up everyone! my name is crissy and yes, i am the clown who sent my account ask on anonymous last night. luv that for me! I GOT A COOL FAMILY ICON IM CRYING!!! now this is yi eun hye, better known as evelyn yi or evie, paging dr. sexy md don’t call her that though, she’ll kill you omg the second eldest princess of the four neglected korean princess sisters aka the mom friend sister or the buzzkill responsible sister.

~`click anywhere here for a link to my app ~

under the cut i’m gonna throw some important personality and background stuff along with maybe? half-formed plot ideas? if not i’ll make a follow up post later, but pls like this plot if you wish to plot, i’ll try to come bother u. my ims are open hmu anytime (also bc im anxious af to b first message bc im BABY) and I ALSO have a discord located at quarantine queen#2918 where i’m usually v v v active. (lmk if u cant add me shoot me a message on here and ill fix it) ok imma shut up here is cranky daughter! ITS LONG SRRY

( pS: also if my blog is too hard to read just stick /mobile on the end of the url xx )

background

the empress and emperor of korea had 5 kids, 4 daughters, 1 pampered son and evie was the second oldest daughter after dianna but like, she’s bossy and high strung and acts like the oldest anywayS so it doesn’t matter!

woo! however, korean tradition is rooted deeply in patriarchy and other backwards thinking, >:(((( so evie’s parents basically pretended like their son was the only kid they had and sent evie and her 3 sisters off to swedish boarding school to ROT as they each turned 10 and forgot abt them while they groomed their son for the throne! thx mom n dad! luv u too! sdjlaksjd

during her time at boarding school evie was expected to not learn much of anything, not do anything spectacular, she wasn’t expected very good grades or to be smart or successful or anything bc that was Men’s Work and so evie did . . . THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

evie EXCELLED in school, straight a’s, top of her class, honors, ap valedictorian, which meant all nighters, nose bleeds at 2am from studying too hard, looking dead walking through the hallways, eating ramen 25/8, falling asleep w her face in her textbooks, getting bullied a lot for being a nerd and Not looking like her sisters and like...the creature from the black lagoon.

her parents, understandably, were not very happy with this but it wasn’t until she wanted to go to medical school that her parents were like FURIOUS. to them, women, esp the princesses, were only supposed to get married, have kids, THAT WAS IT. so evie wanting to be a doctor enraged them. STAY MAD!

they tried to have her engaged SO. MANY. TIMES. but she has a really repellent personality, she’s very kat stratford from 10 things i hate about you. and is rude and states her very liberal very socialist opinions often, dresses sloppy and hurts mens feelings a lot just for fun so they all went rUNNING from those match appointments! her parents literally are losing their minds they don’t know what to do w her theyre like god why did we give birth to the aNTICHRIST!?!?!?

not wanting anything to do with her parents, evie got into college and medical student on scholarship based on her own merit and skill. evie went to the seoul national university for 4 years then did a 2 year residency at the country’s top hospital, becoming one of the best on call heart surgeons there.

the korean media likes to clown on her A LOT! bc shes scary and angry and cares very little abt her appreance is A DOCTOR and not a princess really for the opposite reason they clown on dianna but evie does not really care she doesn’t care abt impressing people, just saving lives and proving people wrong. finger guns

but yes! thats what u missed on glee. evie was a heart surgeon in korea before being shipped off to thailand! shes v salty by the way ... even more than usual.

fun facts?

evie wears massive grandma glasses to see bc shes BLIND when shes in line with her sister people do not think she’s related and are like “OMG OMG THE PRINCESSES!!! BUY WHATEVER U WANT ON THE HOUSE I--oh? maam? uh? can we help u, ahjumma?” HELP

very dry, mean, will call you out on ur shit and hurt ur feelings probably. doesn’t really know how to Chill or have fun, stays out of drama and parties for the most part literally that old man that tells u to get off their lawn

LOVES HER SISTERS!!!! LOVES THEM!!! moms them and nags the FUCK out of them tho abt everything. wear a sweater its cold, drink water, dONT DO THAT GET DOWN FROM THERE, i told u to eat before u drank all that soju pabo!!!! skhaslkfh BUT SHE LOVES THEM VERY MUCH HER WOOOORLD the only people shes kind of nice to

as stated, has tried to been matched up before but has basically scared away all her matches by being A Lot and not polite or dainty and burping probably

her mom calls her all the time to talk abt how shes having a heart attack bc her second daughter is an unmarried, childless, spinster with a cat who is embarrassing her by being a doctor and being loud and obnoxious and outspoken against the royal heirarchy and right wing politics. evie just puts her on mute and lets her keeping yelling at no one for the next hour

loves beer, loves fried chicken, very unladylike, wears oversized sweaters and her hair messy and watches love island australia and the bachelor just to make fun of the people being in love and stupid i think secretly she kind of wants it but...thinks shes unlovable and will die before she says that shh

bisexual legend! cue mr and mrs yi screaming somewhere

not that it matters bc she cares little abt romance and sex and always put work and school before everything so everything touchy like that she either ends abruptly or stays the hell away from

never parties or goes out but when she does get really drunk gets very cute and touchy and happy there is one video on the internet of her like on a table ashdkh yikes

is soft deep down just like *shrek voice* donkey, orges are like onions they have layers and u gotta get past a lot of them for her to get past her level 4 tragic backstory and into the soft, vulnerable part of her personality its nice i promise she is SQUISHY

weird plots???

best friend? im sure she has one somewhere. or friends at all? people who arent scared of her who shes nice to....mostly

enemies woo! hate her its very easy to hate her so do it

u want to do a daredevil thing like when matt shows up bleeding and dying or after a fight or something and she patches u up

just anyone need a doctor bc paging dr sexy md~

past loves? boyfriend? girlfriend? weird flings? weird tension unresolved stuff WOOO

ANYONE who broke her heart for the angst and drama

hit on her itll b funny

anyone who she was previously matched w who she scared off

someone shes currently trying to be matched or betrothed to GOOD LUCK

someone she has a crush on YIKES or vice versa

any of the college kids need a tutor?

roommates?

ANYTHING PLS HMU <333

#;;ooc ( out of crissy ).#hello this is angry daughter shes scary but we stan #sorry this was so long pls hmu #ALSO LOOK AT MY COOL ICON!!

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faunusrights · 4 years

Text

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 18

IN THIS EPISODE OF ROBLOX OOF NOISE:

“Yes.” Glynda couldn’t hang up, not without: “I’m—I’m sorry. About what I—”

“It’s alright. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay—” The feed cut. Softly, Glynda said again, “Okay.”

GLYNDA DISCOVERS WHY BEING CINDER FALL SUCKS

do u know how hard it is to wake up and play animal crossing whilst knowing this chapter looms over yr shoulder,

OKAY HERE WE GO

She was fidgety; even Cinder mentioned her pacing, shooting a critical eye her way. Glynda sat, intent on stillness; moments later, Cinder mentioned her bouncing leg.

i LOVE it when a chapter calls me out just right out of the gate hahaha who gave u the right

"Really?" How long had they been doing that? How long ago had Cinder noticed? "Should I stay?"

cinder: maybe i should tell glynda abt that /see glynda pacing a dent into the floor cinder: ooooooor i could. NOT give her an excuse to bully them for something to do,

On her way down the street, Glynda couldn't help but stare at the car, its tinted windows revealing nothing within. As she passed it, she kept glancing over her shoulder, expecting an attack or something. But nothing came of it.

HJGDFSGSDFHKGHJDF GLYNDA,,,,,,,,,,, can u imagine being in the white fang, and sittin in yr fuckin. TINTED WINDOWED like BULLETPROOF CAR and yr sat on yr ass watching out for cinder “dumbass” fall and suddenly glynda goodwitch, The Top Bitch, comes out and starts GLARING YR CAR DOWN,,, like ah. i think she knows we’re here. hrm. hm.

i would just like. drive to mcdonalds and get some nuggies at that point.

She had a clutch of flash-images and a wash of emotions and impressions, the raw materials of memory, stored as-is without refining. She was quite used to that—most of her missions were hazy and rough in her memory, mere sketches of events.

i cant wait for glynda to become a vlogger if only so she can actually have physical proof of whatever the fuck happens whenever she goes out and about. get her a go-pro.

It told her: despite her restlessness, despite the arduous journey here, and despite the way Vale seemed to call for her from somewhere beyond the horizon, she felt quite content to be where she was.

the difference having a gf has huh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, u got a whole ass home (being cased by the fang) a real nice city to live in (its floating and atlas wants yr number) a bunch of unread msgs (from a [redacted] who [redacted]) and its a nice day!!! its all coming together. but probably not for very long,

(i got very distracted at this point making a line graph for the animal crossing stalk market so here we go, x2 edition,)

That meant the nightlife would soon begin. She had never liked crowds; too many people, too much input at once. It was hard to focus, to be comfortable.

/chefs kiss

autistic glynda did u kno: id die for u,

Since she’d blocked Ozpin’s number, there was no chance of receiving anything directly from him—but there was still a moment of pause each time she checked her Scroll, as if expecting his smiling face to appear somehow.

OH YEAH LMAO SHE DID THAT SHIT HUH,,,,,,,,,, i still cannot BELIEVE that happened. GOD. cant wait for this to bite her entire ass right off her body,

By the time she reached the top landing, Winter had replied: “I wasn’t aware that you had additional support on this mission, Professor. I will need their full name and Hunter’s license number.”

To answer Cinder Fall and she doesn’t have a license, but she does have several warrants for her arrest felt like inviting Winter to question not only her integrity, but her sanity as well.

SDHGJFKSKGHDJFGJHDKF i cant say what makes this funnier because 👈😎👈 but HOHOHOHOOOOO could u imagine the fallout if she did just, say that shit. if we just went and fuckin said it like it was no biggie--

Finally, Glynda let her shoulders relax, exhaling deeply, like she would before rushing a Grimm. She wrote it plainly: “The clearance is for Cinder Fall.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MA’AM WHAT THE F U C K

winter rn:

She’d just have to wriggle her way out of having to talk face-to-face, then return the game to a field she felt slightly more comfortable with: text.

okay this is so funny to me cause i just keep thinking of her sending ‘no reason’ to oz. a MASTER of textual conversion. un fucking PARALLELED in this field, UNRIVALLED,

Glynda tossed a look at the door as well, her mouth pulling into a line; what if Cinder came outside? What if—

Could Winter track her exact position using her Scroll signal? She minimized the projection of Winter’s face and hurried off in a random direction the instant she hit the bottom of the stairs.

i LOVE these two because this is the first time we’ve rly seen glynda like. Actively do smthng to defend cinder in this sort of way? she’s been pretty passivve abt letting cinder take the lead when theyre together but on her own shes thinking of all the contingencies to make sure winter cant find cinder and u know what. thats gay. what will u do for yr not-gf when yr talking to someone who would kick her ass in a hot second,

also im TAKING to grab choice lines here to comment upon but honestly this next section is SO GOOD that im rly struggling to find a line to encapsulate how much i am LOVING this convo. i cant say exactly WHY im loving it because again thats 👈😎👈 BUT KNOW THAT THIS IS VERY GOOD FOOD AND I AM ENJOYING IT. and im also enjoying this line a lot

Winter’s voice was decisive: “Professor, if you hang up on me, I am flying to your location—tonight.”

winter: if y’all dont shut the fuck up back there i am turning this car, city, and continent AROUND,

It was the same thing, over and over: people didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand them. It was an exercise in futility that only gave her grief. In the end, she gave up on trying to explain herself. She resigned to being wrong, to always being wrong, even when she knew she wasn’t.

OOF OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS UP W/ THIS FIC AND CALLOUTS. HUH??? ME BITCH!!! I FEEL THAT!! AND IT SUCKS,

/reads the next bit

oh are we donning our tinfoil hats? we’re donning our tinfoil hats.

It was so easy. Glynda didn’t stumble over her words even once; didn’t waver. She was built for doing harm. Her anger burned hot and clean; it excised all the hurt like a malignant tumor.

Maybe she really had learned something from Cinder—channeling her frustration, her guilt, her pain, all of it into anger like this was something Glynda was new to. But it felt good. She leaned into it, letting it take the reins; the distressing memories vanished like wisps of smoke, vaporized by the heat of her wrath.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS god this is. SO EXCITING. i also love it when ppl rub off one one another its my FAV thing in the WORLD and this anger is. WOO. this anger is. DANDY. its also a very short-term burst of pleasure glynda so enjoy that hollowed-out whoopsie feeling that i sure get when i Blow Up,

“She butchered my friend!” Winter snarled, the camera shaking as she slapped the desk. “She butchered my friend in the streets like he was cattle! And I have done everything in my power to help you! Everything! To keep her from doing the same to you, and you’ve blown me off or lied or—” Winter’s voice snagged. “And now you tell me—you accuse me—”

It was early evening in Umbraroot, but it must already be night in Atlas. The shadows revealed the unclean angles of Winter’s face: the bruises of exhaustion under her eyes, the lines of stress at the corners of her mouth.

im sorry im just copy-pasting wholesale at this point but OH this is GOOD. i cant rly explain. like. the difference-- because you’d think from the og version this is just a bit more flavouring right? its like getting a bit of hot sauce on yr chicken wings and yr like ‘okay it adds smthng but its not like a side meal’ BUT IT IS A SIDE MEAL this is like a whole basket of fuckin. cheese-baked fries. winter DESERVES this screentime she DESERVES to have presence in this fic and OH does she USE IT im LIVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Glynda wanted anger. She wanted fire and brimstone. She wanted a fight.

What she got was the glisten of tears on pale lashes. A hand covering Winter’s trembling mouth.

The ashy taste of remorse in her throat.

THERES THAT HOLLOWED-OUT WHOOPSIE FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IT IS RIGHT ON TIME. its like CLOCKWORK,

She didn’t have anything. Nothing against that. The possibility that Winter might truly care what happened to her had been so insignificantly small and easy to trample. She had forgotten about the losses Winter shouldered the moment Cinder had whispered inheritance.

it’s just like clockwork,

also this chapter feels lengthy but maybe its just cause i got distracted with animal crossing so ill have to do a wordcount check at the end

/checks

no its lengthy this is a thicc one,

“I know,” Glynda said. “I know. I know how this sounds. But she’s the only person who makes me feel like—like I make sense.” In her mind, Glynda lay in the darkness of Cinder’s bedroom, watching the glaze of streetlights along her lips as she said you.

you,,,,,,,,, we,,,,,,,,,,,, our,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, its all that gay shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“If I’ve learned anything, it’s that Cinder Fall is a tremendous liar. She could convince you it is raining in Vacuo, given enough time. Two years ago, I was working on the Argus base, where I met her as a client; she told me she was a merchant seeking entrance into Atlas��she had all her documents in order, her entire persona set up, and she sold it perfectly. She was flawless—and all of it was fake. She gave me no reason to doubt her. She was—”

Winter cut herself off, abruptly. Then: “Once I was comfortable and safe, she burned down my office and murdered my friend.”

YES,,, SLOWLY THE LORE PIECES TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! winter is once bitten twice shy, but mayhaps we mean,,, once burnt,,,, twice shy,,,,,,,,,, hrmmmm,

Glynda told Winter everything.

OH MAN,,,, we’re really getting this messy fucking trio up in this bitch i am SO excited. i am THRILLED. here! we! go!!!!!!!!!! also i said it before but again im so glad winter gets to Be Here for this. sure this has nothing to do w/ her destiny or w/e but shes here now. shes in the uber. she waiting outside.

The dying potted plant Glynda had spotted last time on the back wall’s shelf had been replaced with a new one; this one’s leaves were beginning to shrivel at the ends.

dsfjhhkljsdf side note: is this like that scene in finding nemo where all the new fish see the niece and go ‘oh no we’re gonna die’ but instead its plants getting taken into winters office? they go ‘im sorry, mate, but once you go into her office, you come out TOTALLY dead,’

okay so this whole convo happened and if i try to pick one section ill end up picking it all AAAAAAAAAAAAAA im dying out here. WINTER BLEASE,,, BELIEVE THAT SOMETIMES CINDER CAN TELL A HALF-LIE. A SORTA-TRUTH. A SEMI-HEMI-DEMI HONESTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

How different would that mission have gone? How different would her life have been?

She found herself saying, “He had so many chances to tell me. Instead, he let me think I was reckless. That I was a danger to other people. I stopped working in teams. I didn’t have many people in my life to begin with, but afterwards was worse. He saw to it that he was all I had, and he let me think it was my fault.”

ROBLOXOOFNOISEDISTORTEDWITHDELAY.MP4

OOF!!!!!!! O O F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly OOF that shit HURTS BITCH!!!!!!! thats BANANAS. WILD. im also loving (hating???) the increase of painful glynda lore and honestly everyone feels like they have So Much More that builds them up and im THRIVING off it. im also suffering for it.

With the video feed closed, Glynda could see she had new notifications. Missed calls. From Cinder.

Glynda’s stomach lurched. She stowed her Scroll before she could think about them.

At the mouth of the alley, she could see the shape of Cinder’s apartment in the distance. She stood there for a long time, staring, uncertain what to do with her hands, unsure what to do with her heart. Her jaw flexed. She remembered the tears on Winter’s lashes. The friend she’d lost.

Glynda took her first step toward the apartment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so the soft domestic shit ends. but nowhere near as explosively as id thought???????? HUH. H U H. must b because we’re gearing up for smthng honk honk honk

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. this chap was SO good its astonishing (despite the [several] times i got distracted by animal crossing rip me). WINTER!!!!!!!! BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this disaster trio is coming together. also cant wait for glynda to tell cinder the shit she just pulled. oh no,

(also the wordcount was 5,931. just in case u were curious)

#liveblog #rwby #offal hunt #HERE IT IS #so much went unsaid because the convos were SO juicy so PLEASE read it #dfsghsdfjgh

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sexedforbiguys · 5 years

Text

Dating men, women, and nonbinary folks – Sex Ed for Bi Guys

This is the SFW/censored version of this post. You can view the uncensored, sexually explicit version here on Pillowfort. All images are borrowed from the internet and are in the post because I like them. If you are the copyright owner or a person in the image, contact me: I’ll gladly credit you, or remove the image at your request.

At some point, bisexual, polysexual, and pansexual guys face the situation of going on a date with a person of a different gender than what they’re used to – typically when a guy has only ever dated women, or when a guy has only ever dated men. Or maybe you’ve dated very little, and the prospect is intimidating. Here are pointers that will help make this an enjoyable experience and avoid some obvious missteps.

Asking someone out

This is the part a lot of people find the hardest, and we’re not even on the actual date. In a nutshell, I’d say: be mindful of context; pay attention to the signals the person has been sending you; say what you want clearly and directly; but make it clear the person can decline, and leave plenty of room for a graceful exit.

Context means being aware of the situation through which you know the person, as well as any existing power dynamics. Asking a friend or an acquaintance out is different that asking a coworker, or someone who’s in a hierarchical relationship with you (that last one is often a bad idea, and it might be forbidden by the organization’s rules or flat out illegal in some situations).

Likewise, when you are asking a woman out, or a nonbinary or trans person who was seen as a woman for a good chunk of their life, you must be aware of this: women and people who are seen as such get a lot of unwanted sexual attention. Acknowledge that, and act accordingly. For example, you could make your approach with “I know you probably get a lot of unwanted attention from guys and feel free to say no, but I really like [this] and [this] about you, and I wanted to know if you’d like to go out sometime.” This is less of an issue with cisgender men (cisgender means a person agrees with the gender the doctor diagnosed them with at birth, as opposed to transgender) and to some extent transgender men, but you should still make it clear that it’s fine for the person to say no and give them the opportunity to do so subtly and politely.

Also, before making an ask, pay attention to the signals they’ve been sending you. Does the person smile a lot when they’re interacting with you? Do they make a lot of eye contact? Or are they preserving some distance and boundaries with you? If you notice the latter, they will probably turn you down – but then again, some people are just shy and awkward, and they might be delighted if you took the first steps. But when you think they are closed to an ask, give them even more opportunity to back out with grace. Finally, even if you notice positive signals from the person, they could say no for all kinds of reasons that don’t necessarily have to do with you: they might like you but not that way; they’re not on the market for dating; they’re too busy; or if it’s another man, they’re not ready to date another guy, etc.

Still, asking an acquaintance or a friend out is different than asking someone you’ve just met. When you have a potential romantic interest in an acquaintance, I suggest you ask them out sooner rather than later – if things aren’t going to work out, you’d rather know before you get too infatuated with them. If they are a long-time friend, be aware it can impact your friendship, but strong friendships can survive the realization that one of you wants something different than the other, as long as respect a no – and it’s fair to take some time and space to process your disappointment and heal before you resume the friendship.

Asking someone out that you’ve just met is lower stakes, but be ever so aware of the power dynamics I’ve mentioned above (expect cis men in a queer setting to react better than anybody else to being asked out out of the blue), and don’t be a creep – once again, give them the chance to make an elegant exit. A good ask could sound like “Hey, I’m aware this is sudden and that you could be getting a lot of unwanted attention from guys, but I really dig your style and I’d like the chance to get to know you better. You don’t have to respond to this, but here’s my number if you ever feel like texting me to chat and maybe go out.”

If things look good and the person says they’re interested to go out on a date with you, it’s best to arrange right away what the activity will be, the place, and the time. It’s also easier to ask someone out by proposing something concrete instead of just asking if they will go on a date with you. When you don’t know the person very much, you should ask what kind of stuff they like doing and see if there’s something you both like that you could do.

You can’t make someone like you

A lot of guys feel that flirting, wooing, and dating is an attempt to win the person over or to get them to like them. But you can’t get someone to like you. When they find you attractive and they like your personality, the potential for a connection is already there. But when they don’t, you can’t change that and you can create uncomfortable situations if you attempt to. It’s disappointing to realize someone you like isn’t into you, and it’s okay to feel that way. But you can’t change it, and it’s better to move on. Feelings people have for each other can change over time: there are a lot of stories of platonic friends eventually discovering a romantic connection. But it’s not the result of trying to get someone to like you; it’s just intimacy deepening over time – and often it just doesn’t happen, and you will break you heart pining over a person who doesn’t reciprocate your affection hoping it will change someday (especially with a mostly heterosexual man).

There are some people with old-fashioned values however who expect their suitor to woo and court them, and to display insistence. It creates a dangerous situation though in which you can’t know what’s going on, and you can easily cross a line into harassment when you read the situation wrong. As a rule, I’d advise you to not get involved sexually or romantically with a person who isn’t willing to say what they want; these games just create drama and sometimes worse situations. Finally, while you can’t get someone to like you, there are however plenty of ways that you can ruin things with someone who actually liked you if you try too hard, put pressure on them, or act like a creep (especially with women). So make your peace with the fact that a lot of the time, the other person just won’t be into you; it comes with asking people out. But unless there is something very wrong with your appearance or your behavior, there will be people who are into you and you’ll meet them someday.

The actual date

My #1 advice: don’t see this as a date. You’re two people hanging out, or getting together for a movie, a dinner, or a brew. Maybe sexy times are in the cards; maybe they aren’t. But the more you see this as just two persons hanging out to get to know each other, the less stressed out you’re going to be, and the better of a time you’re going to have. The gender of the person you’re going out with doesn’t matter for this – my best dates have been in that mindset. Frankly, I think it’s the secret to the whole thing – people make a much bigger deal out of dating than it needs to be.

The cliche: be yourself. The nice, presentable version of yourself; not the Foul Bachelor Frog version. But don’t put up a facade or a front. If your dating partner is going to like you, you want them to like you for who you are. So be genuine.

About hygiene and clothing: be on the ball on this, but don’t overdo it. Shower and clean your genitals. Go easy on the deodorant/cologne/aftershave. Wear nice undies, but no need for those $40 trunks unless that’s your thing (I wear Joe Boxer boxer briefs, and it’s never stopped me from getting laid). Put on clothes in which you feel comfortable and make you look great, but don’t overdress – you risk intimidating the other person. Think casual, unless the two of you somehow decided to go together someplace swanky, or you love to dress sharp.

Be prepared for sex: keep condoms with you at all times, and know how to use them properly, even if you don’t expect sex on a first date. You don’t know what will happen, especially if substances are involved… or because you’re both horny. Also bring lube along if you’re open to butt sex, or if you use it for wanking. If your date is with someone who has a uterus and you’re not used to that, preventing an unplanned pregnancy is something you must be mindful of – condoms aren’t just for protecting the two of you from STIs. If the prospect of sex comes up, ask your partner what kind of contraception method(s) they use on their end. If the idea of an unplanned pregnancy terrifies you, combine condoms with another contraception method (even not ejaculating inside your partner on top of using a condom will do); they’re not as reliable as some other methods of contraception in day-to-day use, unless you know the ins-and-outs (no pun intended) of using them perfectly.

Be savvy about gender identity: the person you’re about to hang out with could be trans and you might not know about it, or they could have more complex views of their own gender than what you’re used to. You might be starting to hang out in queer circles if your date is not a cisgender woman, which means you’ll run into people with diverse gender identities. It’s a huge topic, and I can’t cover it all here (and I’m not the ideal person to do it), but this short guide covers the important basics with links to other resources at the end. You should give it a read, on the off chance the person you’re going out with ends up coming out to you as trans. When you do know you are going on a date with a trans person, brush up on your manners as a trans ally.

If you are a trans or nonbinary guy, or both: the biggest question on your mind might be when to come out to that other person you might end up seeing on a regular basis, assuming you aren’t out already. It’s a big deal. Besides the possibility of rejection, coming out could at times put you in danger, especially if you’re trans. Even when that other person is well-meaning, they might know little about how to be a good trans or nonbinary ally, and say or behave in ways that are not cool or that could trigger feelings of dysphoria. There is also the risk of them outing you to other people you both know. The decision to come out belongs to you, and you do not owe a coming out to anyone. Taking longer to come out means that you have more time to assess how safe coming out to that person is. They will also get to know you as a person before they are confronted to any prejudices they might have against trans or nonbinary people. On the other hand: the emotional stakes become higher; you have to deal longer with the anxiety of being closeted; and in a dating context, you might feel that the longer you take to come out, the harder it is to do so. But trust your gut and your judgment.

Coming out as a bi/pan/polysexual guy: speaking of coming out, a lot of people wonder when and how to bring up that they’re bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual to a new dating partner. I would say the sooner the better, without making it appear forced. Get it out of the way before either of you gets emotionally attached, in case your dating partner ends up being a biphobic or monosexist (someone who believes being attracted to a single gender is the only valid experience) a**hole. As most people meet dating partners online nowadays, you should state your sexual orientation in your profile if you’re comfortable with that. For people who are fine with having a visible marker, wearing a pin that states your orientation or wearing the bi colours can work too (many people miss or misinterpret subtle markers though – numerous people have mistaken my ‘BI’ pin as standing for Business Intelligence…). When each other’s dating or previous partner history comes up, it’s a good time to mention that you like different genders and that you’ve been with people who aren’t the same gender than your dating partner (without spending too much time talking about exes, which is risky territory). Along a similar line, you can ask your partner if they’re only into men or if they also like other genders, and elaborate on your own orientation and experiences after that. If you haven’t had the chance to come out and discuss each other’s orientation by the third time you see each other, it’s time to make that conversation happen before either of you gets too invested in the exciting new relationship.

Biphobia and monosexism: the sad truth is that they can rear their ugly head in the dating game. Most of us have heard the words “I wouldn’t date a bi guy; I’m too afraid they’d leave me for a man/woman” – these situations suck. Those prejudices can come from any dating partner, even queer ones – sometimes even from other bi people (internalized biphobia is a thing). You should also be aware that you’re more likely to run into this with heterosexual women, unfortunately. In a 2016 survey from Glamour, 63% of women responded they wouldn’t date a man who’s had sex with another man – not just bi men, but any men who has experimented with another guy even once. Some bi, pan, and polysexual guys choose to restrict their dating pool to queer people for that reason. If someone treats you poorly because of their biphobia, try to find some people who embrace your sexual orientation for support, even if it’s just online.

On your physical safety: if you’re getting together for the first time with a person you’ve met online – another man especially – you may want to take a few steps to protect your safety. Since we can face homo/bi/transphobia, we need to be more careful about this than most people. The risk to your physical safety depends on where you live and in many cases, you might feel these steps are unnecessary. I’m providing the tips in case you ever feel you need them.

Meet in a public space first.

Spend some time talking with the person before you head to a private setting like their home or yours.

Trust your gut – if you get a bad feeling about things, excuse yourself and leave.

Let a trusted person know that you are meeting someone you met online; if your date is another guy, it’s more difficult to let a friend know when you’re in the closet, but you can always describe the encounter as platonic.

Agree to check in with that friend once in a while, and text them the address of any place you end up going, especially if you expect to be alone with your date.

How to be a decent conversationalist: remember that while you have two ears, you have only one mouth – so be more of a listener than a talker. Ask questions. Show genuine interest in what the other person has to say, in who they are. Listen. Say your piece when it’s appropriate, but keep the balance tilted in favour of listening to your dating partner rather than talking about yourself.

On sexual innuendo: a lot of queer guys love their sexual innuendo (but not all of them, however, so be mindful of that), even more so if they’re interested in what’s in the pants of the person they’re chatting up. Personally, I find it’s the fun bit about hanging out with queers: the relaxed, casual flirting and slinging of sexual innuendo. Not everyone is like that though: how comfortable someone is with sexuality varies from one person to another. But one of the things many queer guys love from spending time with each other is that we have permission to acknowledge that yeah, many of us are a bunch of f***ing horndogs. The innuendo doesn’t necessarily mean that the other guy wants to end up in your bed (because sexual innuendo is fun in and of itself), but it’s a sign you guys are on the right track when that’s your plan, and it’s a great way of testing the waters. Plus, it’s liberating when you’re not used to expressing the homo end of your sexuality. On the other hand, be more cautious with innuendo with women or people who have been perceived as women at some point in their life – it’s best to test the waters a bit before engaging in that, or to let them make the first move on that front. They might have had bad experiences with sexual harassment or with nasty gender power dynamics, and misplaced sexual innuendo can make you come across as a creep, or at the set off red flags.

Substances: think about how much you want to use and figure out whether the two of you are on the same page on this, or not. A lot of bi guys like to drink or smoke pot. Some like stronger drugs on occasion, or often. Some people get together for the first time and have a lot of fun getting thrashed together (especially if they’re both guys). Others don’t use at all. A conflict can happen if the two of you have different values or expectations about substance use though. Also, when one of you, or both, is less comfortable or experienced with their sexuality, the temptation to use (and use a lot) can be stronger, if just to ease up on the shyness, but this is especially true of bi guys exploring same-sex experiences. When you are planning on using (even if your plans are just a social drink or joint) is to:

pack condoms and lube ahead of time;

pace yourself, and remember that mixing substances often amplifies their effect;

and hold back from using to the point where you take sexual risks you would not have taken, or where one of you guys can’t consent anymore.

It’s not consensual sex if one of you is way too far gone, even when they’re the ones coming on to the other person (this can be a lot more complex and nuanced than that in reality, and a drunk person can also sexually assault a sober person – but it’s still a good ground rule to keep). The right thing to do is to make sure your date gets home safe, and to give them a raincheck on that hot sex for when you are reassured they have a better handle on the decisions they’re making. Still, if you’re using because you don’t think you could go through with sex with the other person, you should think twice about what you’re doing. I’m not judging – the first guy with whom I ever had sex and I got thrashed on sambuca before we could ever get down to the sexing. But it’s okay to feel vulnerable when having those first sexual experiences with someone from a different gender than with whom you usually have sex. When it’s with another guy, it’s okay when there are feelings of guilt or shame you haven’t worked through yet. It might be better to wait until you are comfortable with someone to explore your sexuality together, and share with them how the experience makes you feel, even the less pleasant stuff.

Who pays for stuff? If you’re two guys, you usually come to an agreement to pay for your own things, split the bill, or alternate between buying rounds when it’s a bar date. Even on a heterosexual date, I would be really uncomfortable with assuming that I’d pay for my female friend, unless I was taking her out for her birthday or something. It’s the 21st century, people; I’d also expect nonbinary and genderqueer people to not be into that. Still, some people are old-fashioned that way, so it’s best to clear up ahead of time what the expectations are.

To go, or not to go for the kiss? There is only one acceptable answer for that in my book: ask the other person. I know not everyone agrees on that one – some people think talking “ruins the mood” (I call bulls*** on that one). But consent and respect matter. Always make sure your partners are into what you want to try, and reassure them that a “no” or changing their mind in the middle of things are okay. It’s the same thing even in a situation in which you’re two guys. But when your partner’s gender is different than yours, be especially mindful of gender power dynamics at play. You can just say: “I think you’re really hot. Do you want to make out, or that’s not something you want to do with me?” It’s easier to ask than most people think. Still, read body language before you ask. Is their posture open? Do they laugh easily with you? Is there a lot of eye contact? Some light touching? When those are there, it’s a good sign (but not a guarantee they’re into you that way). I’ve always asked people for permission to kiss them for the first time, even when their eyes where screaming at me to do it, and I was always glad I did.

What about sex on the first date? There are a whole bunch of misconceptions about this (spoilers: I’m a sex on the first date kinda guy). Sex is nice, and pleasure is good for you. Having sex on your first meeting with another person will not spoil the potential future relationship with you. We’re all human, and sometimes we lose interest in a person after we’ve gotten in their pants. But if there are affinities for a meaningful friendship or romantic relationship, I can assure you that shagging that person on your first encounter isn’t going to ruin any of those affinities – quite the opposite in fact. Sharing orgasms is quite the bonding experience, and getting unrequited lust out of the way lets us see better what we want with the person. I’ve shagged my future husband on our first date, and I’ve become good friends with a lot of people with whom I hooked up early on. Also, while there are people who would judge you for putting out on the first date, no one has any business doing so. It’s a sad thing to say, but shagging on the first date can be a good filter for judgmental people. If anyone would reject you for giving them sexual pleasure on your first encounter, I don’t think you want them in your life. Some people think withholding sex is a way of getting the other person to “prove” their genuine interest in you. You might yourself feel that way. But interest or love are things that can be only proven over time, and not in a matter of a few weeks or months. Now, if you want to become intimate with a person (or at least get to know them a bit) before you have any kind of sex with them, that’s fine. There are all kinds of good reasons to make that decision, and no one should treat you poorly for that. The hook-up app world and the cruising scene with other men can make you feel that you have to put out or else no one will be into you, and that your values on sex and relationships are unpopular. But if you are honest about your needs and present them early on without being judgmental yourself about people who hook-up quickly, a lot of people will respect that, especially when they like you as a person. Finally, the same goes when you’re still uncomfortable about having sex with a person of that gender – a lot of bi guys feel conflicting emotions when that possibility arises, especially with another man. Honesty is the best policy in those situations, and you deserve someone who’ll be supportive of you through those new experiences. It’s okay to say: “This whole ‘having sex with a [insert the person’s gender or identity]’ thing is new to me, and I feel a bit out of my depth. I’m really into you, but I want to know that I can stop or that we’ll take things slowly if I need to.”

Often, it just doesn’t work out: the reality is that most of the dates you will go on won’t lead to a romantic relationship (or even a hook-up). The point of dating is to get to know the other person and to explore whether there’s a potential connection there or not. But most of the time, there isn’t, and that’s okay; when you’ll make your peace with that, you will enjoy dating a lot more. Sometimes, a date just doesn’t lead to a second meeting. At other times, one of the persons excuses themselves early to cut the awkwardness short. This is all fine, and it comes with the territory. Sometimes someone gets stood up and a date is a no-show. That sucks, and while you can’t do anything to prevent someone else from doing this to you, let the other person know if you decide not to go, even if it is awkward. It’s better than them going there for nothing, and it reflects better on you.

How to follow up: sometimes though, the date was exciting and fun, and you want to see the person again. (Sometimes it was fun for you, but the other person doesn’t feel the same way though – see above.) Then you’ll run into the question of when to follow-up. A lot of people used to have a rule of waiting three days before following up on a good date, just to avoid appearing too eager. In our day and age though, three days can easily come across as ghosting (having cut off conversation with the other person), a common occurrence on dating and hook-up apps. Let the other person know quickly that you had a good time and that you hope you see them again. But past this point, give the other person the opportunity of making the conversation happen. It will be a good indicator of how interested they are (believe me, if they like you, you’ll hear back from them), but it also leaves room for the connection to end with grace when it turns out the other person isn’t into you – a lot of people just won’t say that they didn’t have as good of a time as you did, and constantly contacting them increases the awkwardness. Another thing you should be careful about is to get attached to quickly. It’s easy to get excited after an enjoyable date, and that’s understandable. But you don’t know each other well yet(unless you were long-time friends), and it’s yet unclear how the other person feels about you. There is still room for things not to work out, and you’ll be heartbroken if you attach yourself too quickly. It’s also scary for the other person if you break out the “I love yous” on date number 2 or 3. Take this burgeoning relationship one day at a time; if the two of you do like each other, things will work out.

Hopefully, some of this stuff will put you in a better position to enjoy a successful date (or to take in stride a date that doesn’t work out). Have fun on your date!

Tip me or become a monthly supporter on Ko-fi if this post has helped you and you can afford it! I am going to university full-time in the Fall to become a better educator. Supporting Sex Ed for Bi Guys means I have time to work on the series and continue helping people online, instead of working a part-time job while I'm in school. Support the series if you think bisexual, pansexual, and polysexual men deserve support and quality sex ed! Supporters get exclusive perks.

Come see us on r/BisexualMen on Reddit; we are a supportive community for bisexual, bicurious, pansexual, and polysexual men (cis, trans, and nonbinary), as well as for men questioning their sexual orientation. We also have a SFW and a NSFW chatrooms that are pretty active.

Check out all Sex Ed for Bi Guys posts here, including articles such as ”Am I bi?”, Butt Sex 101, and Sex with a Clit Owner.

#sex ed for bi guys #dating #bisexual #bisexuality #polysexual #pansexual #queer #sex education #women #nonbinary #bi men

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survivormontenegro · 5 years

Text

Episode 1: "I'll either flop hard or finally fucking win so let's see how this game plays." - Ian

season starts in t minus eleven minutes and I'm SO READY TO FLOP WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

give me an idol thanks

Hi!!! Im back on tumblr survivor omg I thought I would never return cuz I am so inactive on skype but here I am with the best hosts ever seamus and drew even tho seamus bullies me... This time now that I actually have some experience I hopefully wont be first boot and can play better rather than be a sheep LOL

So far I like my tribe, Ali and mitch are prob my favs so far both kings

The only people I have ever heard of before is willow one of my bffs from FB orgs and jones bc shes jones but both on the other tribe so hope I can meet them at swap or merge!

But apart from that no clue who these ppl are, kinda nice tho and refreshing since on fb its always the same people so this should be fun

Bro we got 2 sandwich artists. And a sandwich related challenge. If we don’t win I’ll be mad

Okay so right now I don’t know anyone or anything what the fuck. This is so different from zwooper everyone is here to play. Right now I’m getting good vibes from Caleb and I think I’m gonna make him my go to. I know Noah on the other tribe but I know he doesn’t like me and I really don’t like the way he plays games. I heard Jamarcus was in this game but I guess not :(. But yeah so this is gonna be one wild ride!

submitting this before i forget/decide not to do a video on it:

http://bit.ly/2ZoKSiK <- Jason’s First Impressions

Hie Montenegro,,, im here,,, and full of existential fear!! I wanted to do a full video cast assessment but my phone storage truly sucks on this night at 3:00 am and I have shit to do tomorrow so :) gotta write!! Myfeelings!!!! David - has said Hewwo when we were revealed and vanished. Hopefully he can deliver in a comp Bc rn he’s kinda irrelevant :( holding out hope tho Willow - queen of being busy,,, we talked in pms but for like a minute,, she knows some of my friends from an FB game I watched her play tho! So that’s SOMETHing, but not a lot. I’ve heard not the greatest things about her social game in the past tho, so I’m not shocked rn Evan - I think I’ve actuallh played w him before assuming this is the same Evan from erinsborough? Big shrug, he was inactive that game tho and would’ve striked out if we didn’t vote him,,, hopefully things are different tho? His picture is Gavin from DP and I appreciate it greatly,, Tom - I just got off of a 5 hour call w him and he seems really chill!? Haven’t talked in pms yet or anything so hopefully we can do that soon? But he seems like a great dude!! His dog is super fucking cute too. JJ - I think of my entire tribe, he’s the epitome of extra. He has 50 fucking sugar gliders like??????? Ma’am?????????? Also he’s from tengaged and MORE IMPORTANTLY he knows keaton apparently!! So,,, probably a crackhead knowing my luck w Keaton. He’s very outgoing and friendly tho and definitely seems like someone i COULD work with,,, but I wanna see how everything plays out, Caeleb - adopted him as my grandson. Bc he called me his grandma. He seems like a sweetie pie it’s his first org ever though so go him!! Hopefully grandma can take him under her wing hehe Mo - literally one of my first close friends in the community,, an angel whom owns my heart, I feel like he’d wanna work w me but I’d never know fully until we prove our loyalties yk? So I’m also holding out hope for him,,, king. Alex - I love him!!!? So much???? He said he stans me I love him sm Bc I remember stanning him when I first started playing Bc he’s all I’d heard about art in the community lolol but I’m v excited to actuallh play with him I fucking called him being here :) Jules - my love my light we just clicked real quick, she’s legitimately an angel whom I adore??? It’s her first survivor game I’m rooting for her. But ya I’m exhausted so that’s it for now UwU gn bois

okie I feel like I should do a cast assessment of my tribe, just as a starter. my opinions will like 1000% change so this is by no means final but woo I'll go with this!

In general... this cast is... pretty good? Like I was very very worried since I'm so annoying that everyone that hates me would reappear for this season, but I think(?) only like... one person in the cast would dislike me/gun for me for preseason stuff. Anywho:

Benj: Okay he seems super super nice! Like he seems really friendly, we have a lot in common already and I think since we are both in weird timezones we could work really well as allies! He seems super like chill and would work with just people he seems to get along with, so I feel like... that could be a real potential alliance in the future ahhh!

Ian: Ian I haven't spoken to all that much yet (he was towards the end of the cast reveal) but he seems really really chill! He has also come 2nd twice which is something I can relate to, so maybe we will be on a similar page as players?

Jared: Okay first fellow newbie. We haven't spoken much or had the chance to really like have a good conversation so far! I feel like since its 12-8 for newbies, maybe its a good idea for us to group up tho, idk if it can happen since at least for me, I haven't really connected to the newbies as much?

Jason: He is so so fun! Like I've really liked talking with him so far, he was on the CAH call yesterday and was getting along with Julia which is really good too, since I defo wanna work with them both!

Julia: A QUEEN. okay I was very worried seeing her on the cast reveal since both times I've played with her, I've voted her out very very early.... BUT, she seems interested in wanting to work with me and I'd love to because such a wild time, and I feel like... me and her strengths/weaknesses can kind of counterbalance in a way that'll work really well! She could always be playing me, but tbh... its what I deserve anyway, and I'd LOVE to see her do really well this season.

Madeline: I really like her! I've spoken to her probs the most of the newbies and she seems really nice and social which is super good! I feel like she'll fit in for a while and have quite smooth sailing

Michael: I'm sure he is great, but we haven't really.. been able to talk all that much? I feel like if I had to predict who would go if our tribe lost, I'd... probably say him?

Mitch: omg this cast is so big I'm not even through my tribe AHH. anyway mitch was on the first cast reveal like I was. I get ok vibes from him, he seems like... he is here to play the game hard which makes me nervy, but hopefully I can like fudge that to my advantage?

Noah: okay he is super fun, I feel like... our conversations have been very dry, but also that its 100% my fault. idk the ability to be interesting just kind of _dropped_ out of me but I'll try and redeem that today

okay the other tribe I'll just skim through and do the ones I know:

Alex C.: he seems like a king! I've been in VLs for seasons he has been in, I feel like he will not like me but I'd love to meet him!

David R.: okay he will 10000% not remember me, but he was in my first season ever! he was very inactive and his only like... confessional was about me being annoying KJSLDAD which is maybe a.. bad sign! lets see how it goes this time

Jones: She seems SO nice! I have been in VLs with her before, and she seems so so so nice! I'd love to play with her down the line, but I think she is also probs here to WIN which is scary.

Jules: A LEGEND! I love Jules, would love to work with them if possible! They're probably the person I am closest to pregame but can hopefully keep that hush hush...

Mo: a king! I hosted him for his first season, and he was SO much fun. I feel like he has gone off me, but I'm super excited to see how he does!

Tom: he is... probably the biggest problem for me in the cast? Like he was in the only season I won, and saw me play a snake game which I do not intend to play like this time? But I feel like if he still dislikes me (which he might), he could like... tell people how snakey I was! I would love to like work with him if he wants, but I feel like he wouldn't trust me at all KASDLF

Willow: A queen! I haven't spoken to her in ages but used to around her first season a lot! so so nice.

Yeah so overall thoughts on each tribe:

Durmitor: Almost everyone I knew preseason was on this tribe, which is probably to my advantage, that'll hopefully help out in like... a swap situation? Worried about Tom but am cautiously optimistic about Willow/Mo/Jules! I feel like this tribe is gonna do very very good on challlenges which... AHHHH i don't wanna go to tribal

Budva: Okay I really like my tribe! I get the best vibes from Benj, Julia & Jason who are all people I'd love to work with! I think(?) I could be okay for now, like I feel like I've already got some good ties, and that there are other people that would go... before me... maybe? Its probably only like 2 rounds on these tribes so I maybe don't even need to last that long aksfda

Ugh honestly why am I back and like... I DON’T ANYBODY HERE? Nicole G is my spirit animal.

Well except for Jason and Julia. I do know them as well as Alex and Rob. Basically I don’t know anyone post chamonix and I feel like a fish out of water. I’ll either flop hard or finally fucking win so let’s see how this game plays.

My tribe is idk, quiet? But like we called and played cards against humanity which was fun but like idk Anau and Monte Rosa were just more active and fun and all.

Julia - fellow oldie, I might work with her since she’s quite social and all. Witchcraft and all.

Jason - I wanna work with him because 1) oldie 2) fellow runner-up and 3) he knows josh. And if my TS career hasn’t proven me wrong, people who I play with who know josh are a huge BOON to my game so yeahhH

Benj - he seems nice. He lives New Zealand so we will probably be the only ones awake at our respective time zones so that can be grounds for something :D

Ali - seems nice as well. We talked about the weather and all so that was fun.

Mitch - we had a short convo so idk him very well to get a good read on him.

Jared - We only started talking now so we will see hmmm

Michael - I’m 50% sure he’s a robot. Just because he sends messages like a robot but I could be wrong. Idk it’s hard to get a read on him but we talked some and I hope he is good at challenges

Madeline - She told me she was a returnee but the wiki says she ain’t? What is the truth. Seems nice?? Idk

Noah - we haven’t talked

Tbh this is probably the most quiet starting tribe I’ve been on. Nicole G is my sprit animal btw

(hi plss add this to the first confessionals i sent) Asya - haven’t talked to her as well. But she did briefly joined the tribe call

Here's a Video Confessional that details what’s on my mind:

youtube

America I think I fucked myself over on this one. I told JJ and Tom last night that I got 155k in sandwich stacker the last time I played it and now I think they’re expecting me to recreate that score?? And like,,, do better?????? But it turns out I’m unexpectedly very busy today and I can’t even do it when I get home Bc I’m not gonna have a laptop to play it on,, so I fucked myself over on this one chief. Not only am I most likely not doing this challenge, but I set myself up to look like a challenge threat!! When I can’t even back it up???? Love that for me :)

okay so I've now had a chance to talk to pretty much my whole tribe more which is fun. I LOVE THEM ALL AND REFUSE TO EVER. GO. TO. TRIBAL.

So my favourites atm are defo Julia, she is SUCH a legend, and her hex powers will carry us to success. I'm also really liking Benj & Jason on a personal level, they are super fun, and like chill on a game level which I really like!

Of the rest, Jared approached me to work with me which AHH exciting! But it was kind of unprompted and outta nowhere, so I'm worried he could play a bit too hard too fast, so will try and keep an eye on him. Madeline is super fun, I'm really liking talking to her, and I'm more reassured about working with my fellow newbies now, since Jared/Madeline I'm really liking! Michael is super sweet, he sent me this long nice message about how to pronounce my name which was super sweet, I haven't spoken to him too much yet! Noah I've spoken to the least, he is my biggest ??? so far, which ahh but I'll figure that one out. Mitch is quite quiet but I really like him! Ian is a king!

AHH I LOVE EVERYONE THIS IS A PROBLEM. I always do this where I make friends with everyone and then have to betray someone every round. I'm determined to pace myself this time. Julia is my Number #1 rn, she approached me first and I think we are a great balancing pair. I also really like Benj/Jason, would love to maybe be in a bigger alliance with them? Jared I'm like... apprehensive that he is gonna play really hard, but also wanna work with him. Those are probably my top four rn? I'd then put Madeline/Ian on the next level, Mitch the level below and Noah/Michael on the bottom level as my biggest unknowns!

otherwise this challenge is so demonic, and one day I will get revenge on seamus for making us endure this. I think I'm doing pretty good, and like... can't face the bread anymore, so will probs stick with my score. I really don't wanna go to tribal so hope my tribe can pull this out wooo!

Hi it’s Mo, I’m the dumb bitch who thinks he needs a Gatorade after walking up a flight of stairs. At the moment I’m feeling very distressed because I sat outside for a good hour or so and some mosquitos decided to take it upon themselves to go to town on my legs. But game-wise I’m feeling very comfortable on my tribe. I think I made some good connections on the tribe call last night and I got to know everyone really well and literally I have no complaints about anyone at the moment. They’re all super chill. My biggest fear is letting them down so I’m doing my best to get a good score on sandwich stacker.

Wow It's great to be back and not know like a single soul! I will kms because of that! Also wow my boss sprung a double on me today so I didnt get to talk to anyone! In the first 24 hours! I love this for me! Im on call right now so hopefully I can do SOMETHING and get good with people!!

So I have yet to do a formal confessional but let me just tell you my tribe is so cracked and I love it. I'm gonna give y'all my thoughts on the players of my tribe because why not. Ok so first off we have Julia. Julia is so cracked but I LOVE HER. She is the good luck charm of the tribe because she is involved in witchcraft and honestly I find that hilarious. Then we got Ali. He seems super sweet but I have yet to get to know him well. I think he has been in the tumblr community for a while but I'm not sure because im not in that community (whoops). Jason and I have meshed pretty well together over the love for the cowboy emoji, Madeleine seems like an easy number for me, and same for Jared. I think if we ever go to tribal I might try to connect us three with Benji who I also think I can trust really well. Then we have Ian and Noah. Honestly my conversations with them have been pretty awkward??? Idk if that is just because they are busy but like I don't rly mesh well with either of them. Then there is Michael who literally talks like his username: A Big Blue Robot

someone literally said they were worried that me being so into astrology would influence how i viewed other people and i told them that it wouldn't but the tea is it will, try to stop me

Heya its me. Rookie here on survivor Montenegro. Never played before. Kinda nervous. I'm trying to keep it light and airy with my chats with all the tribe members, because I don't want them thinking I'm trying to create drama too early. They seeeeem to like me and I think I really like them too. Evan kinda has latched on to me, and I like having an easy go to for talking shoppe, but he's super paranoid and thinks he has no shot at this. Even said that everyone else is fully bonding without him. And thats fine of course, I can handle supporting him especially if it seems like a surprise friendship, but his scaredyness might be rubbing off because its making me a little afraid that people are talking shoppe much more than they're letting on with me. Alsooo, low key a tiny bit annoyed with how much we love to call. Like y'all are nice but it seems to be the same person (eyooop) every time and the same person talking in the tribe chat. hehe peace out

hi okie i would've filmed a video confessional, but i look DISGUSTING so you will have to settle with type type typing!

so lots is happening REAL fast and my head hurts so i need to talk it out. We won reward which WOO, and the reuben sandwich also gave me 3 free checks for bridge steps for the idol so GOOD NEWS. I also used it to build trust with Benj & Julia, and told Jared who kind of put me on the spot and asked me about it (more on Jared later).

So I now have my chart to map idol progress titled 'Bridge to Terebeth-idol' and I'm using all the info I get to slowly get an idea of idol progress, the idol is MINE and I'm determined to play it WRONG. otherwise, I'd love to see Benj or Julia get it, love 'em both.

Anywhomst back to Jared. he is VERY forward with game stuff and is like... going 0 to 100 waay too quick, and its making me and Benj nervous. We are both going to keep an eye, I could see Jared burning out quite quick akdlfas. For the rest of the tribe, I really really like Jason he is such a king, Madeline is super nice but I think quite quiet so could potentially go if we lose. Michael is great at challenges, but his social game is a bit ahh (he like.. told Julia she would be a target for making a mistake in the challenge akjsdfaslfladfjla). Noah I really like, but we are kinda out of sync with timezones which is no good. Mitch filled in for me in teh challenge so I owe him bigtime.

ANYWAYS. this is already waay too long, the summary is WOO JULIA AND BENJ, woo (at a slightly lower volume) for Jason and Jared. Love the hosts, loving this game so far, only thing I'm not loving is sandwiches (unless they are reuben sandwiches asjdklfa).

Okay so little recap of the first night on Montenegro Durmitor Beach.... I really felt worried! Like from the first impressions and the intro's I thought okay i have nothing in common with any of these people, this is going to be so hard to get in a safe spot and go far in this game!

After jumping on call with the likes of Jules, Jones, JJ and Mo I felt a little bit safe as they were laughing at some of my jokes and i felt like i could contribute to the conversation which is nice. I really tried my best in this sandwich stacker challenge to show the tribe that i can perform in flash games and help win immunities for future rounds so it gave them a reason to keep me and potentially the stronger players on the tribe would want to add me to an alliance...well i mean that didnt happen but hey who knows its only day 2

So i recognised that JJ was from Tengaged and i had played with him a little bit whilst on that site so i tried to connect with him and make conversation with him and that dramatic little boy decided to drop his vocabulary and use his silly little boy one word responses which wasnt very uhm reassuring. HOWEVER I feel like over the past 2 days JJ and I have formed some sort of bond and i believe its mutual that we want to work together and help each other out in this game. MY ONLY CONCERN about working with JJ is that I dont want to be seen as in a duo with him so him and me need to stop bullying each other on calls and staying on tribe calls when no one else is on them. He helped me out in the idol hunt as well so he is already giving me some information showing he is down to work with me

Okay so overall i feel like my tribe is full of very big personalities and thats concerning a fight will be had for majority i reckon.

Jules: She is so nice, and we connect pretty good, i know she is one bad ass game player though and definitely a threat down the line so keeping her on my side is beneficial for now and hopefully if she does become seen as a target i can use that to my advantage and she can be a meat shield.

Mo: Mo is cool and chill to talk to, we dont really speak that much on pms however i want that to change i get a very loyal vibe from him so yeah something i am willing to explore

Willow & Evan: They both have similar standings with me in this tribe, i feel like they both want to work with me, Evan has said he does and that he gets a good vibe and wants to work with me which is good and i feel like willow is also leaning towards that as well. The only issue with working with these two is they arent very big personalities so i will be targeted before them however i feel like they could be very loyal. Its going to be hard to integrate them into a large alliance unless one of them start because others will be closer to people that isnt them.

Alex: So Alex is a weird one for me, he seems super emotional and honestly someone i just cant really relate to or connect with. I may be wrong but thats my first impression of him, he seems to be all up in Jules/Jones grill which is something i will have to keep an eye out for.

Jones: Jones is a big big big big threat i think everyone on this tribe can already tell this woman will be hard to get out, socially she is impressive and she said she is pretty good at challenges as well so........i'm just going to try and act really dumb around her and make her believe that im willing to work with her till the end as a loyal sheep. However for now i would like to work with her (even though probably everyone does)

David: Well i mean he is like not active very much, he came on call and i have a fear of drag people and he is a drag people so i hope he doesnt rock up to tribal in drag because it is a serious phobia..... wouldnt mind if he went first just because we dont really talk!

JJ: already spoke about him

Caeleb: Everyone is very nice in this cast but i feel like caeleb is a little bit uhh reserved, i feel like hes a little shy at the moment but i think he can be a gem to work and play with. Idk what type of player any of these people are so just gotta test the waters.

All i know is that this tribe is ready to play....and play hard so survivors ready: game on bitches! #STAYLOWANDGOGOGO

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Oh wow this twisty twist twist, hate it!! So anyway now that we have to go to tribal Idk who the heckie to choose to vote! The only people I feel like I have absolutely no connection with so far are Evan and Caeleb, everyone else ive at least talked to a bit?? Jules is cool (also havent talked to her that much) Mo and Jones are the people ive talked to the most so far and I really wanna work with them I think, we will see DREW YOU HAVE MESSED ME UP

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This twist is very fiendish and I love and hate it!! More stress ensuing the more fun for drew hmmm

Anyway, right now I want Madeline gone. I feel she’s not putting her all into this game and in the challenges. Plus she told me she was a returnee but the wiki says otherwise grrrr

For now I think I’m gonna work with Julia and Jason. Might also wanna work with Benji and Ali. Ali is very intuitive because he noticed that it’s important to keep any voting plans under wraps because if word got out of the plan and we’re not actually going to trial, oh hell will be loose!!

So far Julia and Jared are eyeing Madeline as a target and I am here for it! She may have sealed her fate by like going to sleep at this hour but let’s see! She might be faking it lol

Okay fuck you guys for this twist my anxiety is running RAMPANT I know everyone is gonna wanna Vote me for being the youngest I hope you all die and literally choke on your own liver. Anyways my day has been GREAT, thanks for asking!! I feel confident with my comp performance, so hopefully they choose to keep me in?? If not it was nice knowing you guys except Johnny

Oh this- this is terrible. I did so bad on my sandwich tray thing even though at the time I was like IM FUCKIN SPEEDY GONZALEZ WERE GONNA WIN and I scored like 48 but then I find out that everyone else scored somewhere in the 90’s and now it’s just kinda... fuck.

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Blind Tribals? What kind of tomfoolery is this. Im surprised my tribe came up with a consensus of voting off someone this early even though we still have a full 24 hours. I was fully prepared to take charge but I guess I don't have to anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cax7k6-mA-A

^ Video confessional not letting me post tho

So everything has been like a legit clusterfuck and I see this tribes dynamic starting to play out. I think socially I have done my job and excelled. I would say I feel as if I have established a good personal relationship with most of my tribe members except two of them- Madeleine and Michael. Both of them talk very little and it's honestly very frustrating for myself. Not to mention Michael last night sketched me out very bad after we had finished playing the role call part of the immunity. So I had found an error that I had made, and it scared me and I thought I could talk to him about it. I was like, well I hope this doesn't put a target on my back. He responds with this: we can make sure you won't be. will just take some work. Hold the damn phone. It will take some work? Why would it take work period? It just freaked me out so I went to Jason and I told him about it. Jason made me feel more comfortable and I decided to tell him that I trusted him and I was on board with him. So after immunity is done, and the whole blind round twist is revealed I decided to go and talk to basically everyone on the tribe. But Jared stuck out the most to me. He is playing the most aggressive game at this point which I respect. Also, forgot to mention, I trust Ali the most. 100% Ali will be my ride or die person this game. So nothing will come in between the bond we share. Jared decided to throw out Madeleines name out. And I am totally okay with this. He also subtly hinted that Michael would be a good option. But lets be real, I am not a fool and I will not make a big move this first round. This is a tribe of 10 people, not 6 like I'm used too in my prior TS I have played. It is more difficult to rally all the numbers. So this would be the exact reasoning behind my social game I am playing at the moment. I have Jared than tell me he wants to work with Ali, Benj, Himself, and I. This, I can enjoy. I don't have to struggle to protect from this alliance I knew Jared was bound to create, and I didn't have to suggest to include Ali, possibly exposing my relationship with Ali to Jared. On the other hand, I have Ian and Jason who I feel like I can trust in this game. I proposed to Ian I would not vote him out this round, and he said he would do the same for me. I tell Ian that I trusted Jared and we could possibly work with him, and that Madeleines name is being thrown out as the vote. Ian was vague with answering me about working with Jared which sussed me out. But Ian later tells me he wants to work with Jason, Himself and I. So this puts me in TWO potential alliances already in this game. Literally fuck this twist. I am glad my social skills have finally paid off and I am seriously learning from prior mistakes I have made in my orgs from being too abrasive, being too loud, being rude. I had such little self awareness of the way I communicated with people. I would talk and be this extremely social girl but I always left a bitter taste in people's mouth because of how I said things and I had no clue. So I am playing this better game and it is totally opening up new opportunities and all these people I can work with but on the other hand, puts me at a serious disadvantage. If this tribe will be an ultimate flop tribe which I am seriously hoping is NOT the case, I am going to disappoint someone. And that is how you become a target and lose all the hard work you have built up. So even though socially I am totally preforming beautifully compared to my prior three tries at TS, and strategically I wouldn't say anything about that I mean.... it's the first few days of this game. I would say competition wise, or the more physical part of the game I need to get it together. I'm hoping I can motivate this tribe into playing extremely hard for the immunity wins because who freaking knows what could happen? In the best case scenario, I would love for immunity to be brought to my tribe. This would mean that for the next round the target would probably remain the same, and I don't have to get so worked up about who is the new target of the tribe.

https://youtu.be/qsjQtYfiCec <- Video Confessional; Not letting me post

Editors note - I think I’m 80% sure my name’s not going around Bc I think everyone’s under the impression I got us the win for the flag making? Big shrug

Damn this twist has really screwed things. At this point in the game I have some strong (I think) alliances. I'm worried that I have put a target on my back for playing too hard though, and it might be all for not if we find out we won immunity.

https://youtu.be/RR4BRMFKjDU <- Another video confessional that won’t embed lol

What the fuck is this twist like okay sure, tumblr survivor is generally fucking stressful like a pig getting choked im always trying to gasp for air.....this season i am the pig on the spit roast just deceased. I'm a nocturnal pig throughout this game i guess because tribal planning starts like 6 hours ish before tribal and the last 2 hours is the most important and that would be from 4-10am so no sleep for the weak i came to win

https://youtu.be/sarbjplslHk <- Another video confessional that won’t embed

SO I think at the moment my closest allies are Tom & JJ which is a relief because I was intimidated by the two of them at first. The plan for now is to vote for David due to him being the most antisocial out of the bunch. He’s talked to me quite a bit actually but apparently he hasn’t talked to some of the others that much.

The first few days of this game has been really fun. I'm enjoying to get to know everybody, and just dicking off on tribe calls all the time. So far I've really enjoyed looking at Tom & Alex, they're definitely the tribal eye candy.

It seems as though I've gotten myself into a really cute alliance consisting of Alex, Jones, and Jules. A group I've definitely enjoyed talking to the most. I think it'll really work in my favor.

Tom is really fun to talk to, he's giving me truthful information on what planks have been good and bad in the idol search. Which is nice, but it might be a cultural thing, but I can't tell if he likes me or not!?? There's too much sarcasm in his voice.

Mo & Caeleb are really nice, they've both talked to me on a pretty shallow level so far, but I'm enjoying them a lot.

Evan, David, and Willow have been fairly MIA. Evan is on a vacation, so I'm impressed by how much he truly has been able to contribute to the tribe.

As far as the vote goes, I'm debating between Willow, and David. Alex, who I'd really like to work with, really is pushing for David to go home, but David is better at comps, and a less dangerous social player, he hasn't talked to anyone. Whereas Willow is being a social butterfly in everyone's PMs. Seeing that she made runner up in one of her seasons is also a little bit scary.

This twist is scary, but considering my last ORG, its exciting. I felt like my downfall was not being able to forge game relationships with people because I was the last person to attend tribal. Winning every tribal immunity all the way up to the final 13 / 21. Once the merge hit, every time I tried to talk strategy, the person I was talking with would run, and tattle to the person I was trying to target instead of listening to what I was saying, because they had forged game relationships at prior tribal. Being forced to go to tribal regardless of the outcome of immunity should help me solidify game relationships much easier.

I have one question for the twist. WTF DREW???

Right as we found out that both tribes had to go to tribal, Evan was immediately concerned that his name was being thrown out. The boy needs to calm, but I think our connection is really strong and honestly he's fun to talk to. Today though, most people I have been talking to have said David which is perfectly fine, he barely had talked to me at all so I am happy to be a tribe player and vote him tonight if nothing changes. I think people are starting to make connections all around. I really like Willow and have like an on and off thing with Mo and Jules. Tom is the first person to let me in on the vote, and JJ said he'd work with me and not vote me tonight, BUT Tom and JJ and Jones are always in the calls and that's making me nervous they'll have a longterm close bond that could be disastrous if it turns into a Monica, Jervase, Tyson type thing. Also I don't fully trust JJ he's good at talking to everyone. I have my eyes and ears open and I'm just trying to get as much information as I can at this point in the game.

okay I have thoughts and they are 100% NEGATIVE.

so dua lipa cave can CHOKE, i hate this twist so muchhhhh, its gonna give me an aneurysm. I just feel bad, I don't like voting people out and this makes the process so weird and awkward.

Okay like tonight, Madeline is... seemingly going home? And I'm so so sad, she is super sweet, but I think everyone was reluctant to throw out names except Jared who was super, super gung ho about Madeline leaving? Jared is stressing me out akjsldfaf, he is so forward and aggressive as a player, and I can kind of see him burning out and dragging me down with him asdfklaf.

Otherwise, I'm really liking working with Julia, she is super fun and a really savvy player, I hope our alliance can do super good long term! Otherwise, Benj is SUCH A KING, he is so friendly and fun, and we are like really on the same page for game stuff? Those are the only two who its not negotiable, on my watch they are going NOWHERE.

for the rest? I really like Jason, he is just super mellow, like I think if I had to make a winner pick for the season, I'd probably say him? I vibe with him on a personal level woo, could be an ally down the line. Michael I tbh expected to maybe be first boot, but he seems to have unexpected connections! I really like him tho, he is super sweet, its no biggie that he is staying? Mitch/Ian kind of fall into the same category, I really like them but I've not spoken to them... all that much, but I really like them!! Noah I really haven't spoken to too much, and if we do go to tribal tonight, I'd probs want him to go next (Mitch also threw his name out for this round, so it seems I'm not alone on that?).

I feel REALLY REALLY bad about Madeline JKLSADFLSAJFA, like already our tribe is being meninist we do not stan, but also she is so nice. I feel bad and kind of blame Jared for her going grrrr.

Okay I'm gonna wrap this up, hope we don't go to tribal tonight, Madeline stays and we WIN till merge WOO WOO WOOOOOO!

omg also julia is already at #46 for the idol her MIND! i hope she gets it, that'd be iconic. I feel like she must be working with someone to get that far already, maybe Jason? like the host, i need to (nancy) drew and investigate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRd_z6-ycno <- another non embeded video confessional uwu

Lol idk where this girl came from but Madeline’s a mess.

She vanished after the twist reveal because her “WiFi getting shit down” then suddenly she’s strong arming me to vote Mitch

Sweaty, compared to you I’ve actually interacted with Mitch over the course of this 4 days unlike you.

She claims she’s got Julia, Jason and Noah but I know where they’re really at. If we are going to tribal Madeline’s gone!!

okay tribal is (maybe?) in 6 minutes and I have THOUGHTS:

1. Madeline is make me so nervous, she like says things in the tribe chat and its like AHH idk how to respond, I'm being so obviously shady and its INCREDIBLY clear I voted for her, but idk what to do or say asdkjflsafafjdaf

2. Benj is a king, we are like... on the same page a lot, and someone I wanna go super far with!

3. Madeline gunning for Mitch is weird because... she is targetting him for past placements, when... Ian literally made FTC twice akjsdfslafsa like wut? Also I am screaming at her like saying Mitch isn't denying that she is going home in the tribechat, when she is voting him? I'MMMMMM

4. If I go home, it's been super super fun, and first boot is a cute placement! Benj & Jason have both been first boot before, and I love 'em both, so am joining a great club!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgF_VAczF2g <- Another non embeded video confessional

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wildernessuntothemselves · 7 years

Text

Good Boys Like Bad Girls (Part 5)

Summary: Most teachers had a pet student but not many students had one. Except you. “Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” Word Count: 4.5k Kinks Included In This Chapter: Voyeurism, orgasm denial, choking Author’s Note: I’m aware that a particular character goes through an apparent 180-degree turn in personality too suddenly in this chapter. I acknowledge this mistake and I will fix it at some point to make it flow much better but for now, I hope you can still enjoy it as is. (Woo two gifs for one chapter. I’ll give credits when I wake up as well)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Final Part As you expected, Taehyung didn't let you go that easily. He missed school, camped down in front of your house, and when that failed as you resorted to just not going home and staying with Jungkook wherever the hell he chose to spend his nights, he started following the both of you. That, of course, led to numerous clashes between the two boys that had Taehyung landing in the hospital every time without fail, just to get on his feet again and continue chasing you.

There was something to be said about his loyalty and perseverance but he was drawing too much attention to you and frankly, you were getting tired of his shit.

"Just go home, Taehyung. Let it go. Go on with your life. Seeing you get beat up every day is getting more than a little pathetic." You wave your hands in the air dismissively, towering over the boy slumped on the floor and holding his stomach in agony.

"Never." He hisses out and pulls his hand away from his stomach, showing you a metallic object held tightly in his fist.

You squint, struggling to decipher what the object covered in blood is when Jungkook speaks up.

"You stole my pocket knife." He laughs, "You think that's gonna help you?"

Jungkook steps on Taehyung's hand that holds the knife and you quickly intervene before you could hear the sickening crush of bones getting broken beneath Jungkook's heavy knock-off Timberlands.

"That's enough, Jungkook." You push him away. The difference in power between the two of them was too big and Jungkook was more than happy to flaunt it.

Taehyung presses his lips in a tight line and reaches for the knife again. You sigh, obviously, this boy won't give up until he's dead. "Taehyung, you're never gonna be able to beat Jungkook. Just give it up."

"No, you think you can just pull me in and make me love you then drop me like I meant nothing to you?"

"You knew this was gonna happen. Didn't you say yourself that you saw more than I thought you did? Then you should've seen this coming."

"I do see more than you think. That's how I know that this isn't what you want. You want me with you. You don't really want me to go."

You laugh at his confidence, "And yet here I am, not wanting you."

"I know why you're doing this. You think I'm too good for you. You want to get away from me because you think you're bad for me. You feel guilty for what you've done to me and you think this is the only way I can get better." Taehyung reads you like a book and it makes you feel unsettled. It's scary how much he knows you. You had thought you were in control all this time, keeping yourself aloof and distant, but Taehyung saw everything.

"But you're wrong, ___, I was always fucked up. You didn't do this to me. You made it better. You gave me peace." His eyes implore you, begging you to believe him but you can't accept that. Taehyung is just delusional from grief. That must be it, right?

He sees the rejection on your face and his gaze hardens, but he doesn't try to get up and fight like you had expected. Instead, he opens the knife and presses it against his own throat.

"What are you doing?" You panic.

"If you won't take me back, I'll cut my throat open right here. They're gonna find my body here and figure out that this is Jungkook's place. If I can't have you then neither can he."

"And what will that achieve? They'll know that you killed yourself and that Jungkook didn't lay a finger on you." You say exasperated.

"That's not entirely true." He smirks, "I'm covered from head to toe with bruises from his daily beatings. Everyone has seen him do it. They'll blame him for my death. They'll think he made me do it. He will be put on trial for that."

He seemed so satisfied with himself, sure that that's going to make you cave.

"That's your big plan? Kill yourself and hope Jungkook would take the blame for it?" You curl your lips in distaste. "It was the right decision getting rid of you. What use are you to me when you're so weak that this is your only way of getting me back. You think I will stop you? That I'll suddenly realize I can't live in a world without you in it and take you back?"

Taehyung's eyes lower, unable to meet your sharp ones anymore.

"Do it then."

"W-what?"

"Kill yourself. You're dead to me already so why don't you prove how much you love me and just do it. It's the only thing you can do."

Taehyung stares at you for a long time and you can see his thoughts running a million miles a second. You weren't lying about what you said to him. When he was getting beat up for you at least you admired him for not giving up despite the very slim chance of winning against the muscled boy but now he was just being pathetic.

Taehyung pockets the knife at last, and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding.

"See? Now stop wasting my time."

And he did. He stopped his tries suddenly and all together. The next day he was back to school as normal as if the past week had never happened. He was actively participating in class, and even going out on little romantic dates with Nayeon.

The rapid change in his attitude gave you whiplash. He had been so in love with you just a little over seven days ago but now it was like he never knew you. You almost started believing that you had imagined the whole affair with him if it wasn't for Jungkook's constant comments of 'Damn, what's with him?' 'He sure got over you fast.' and the like.

You would have believed him too if the memory of Taehyung's face right before he left you the last time wasn't imprinted so vividly in your mind. He didn't look defeated. He didn't look ashamed and bowed under your words like he always did and like you had imagined he would, but instead he gave you a look that chilled you to the bones. It was the look of a person determined to get what he wanted whichever way possible. It was a look you knew all too well. You had seen it in the mirror every day ever since you could remember, and it jarred you to see it on Taehyung's face.

It was the first time you saw some of yourself in him and it was the first time he scared you.

You didn't need Jungkook to tell you how crazy you've become. You were so paranoid with the belief that Taehyung was up to something that you might as well start wearing a tinfoil hat. Jungkook doesn't believe you when you tell him that Taehyung is giving you blood-curdling looks when no one is paying attention.

It doesn't help that by the time you would get him to look at Taehyung, he would already be facing away and pretending like nothing happened. It was all your fault. You're the one who taught him how to be stealthy and now he was using it against you. Your stomach sinks when you think about what else he might have learned from you.

Jungkook was definitely convinced that you were crazy and you were starting to believe it too. You began convincing yourself that you were just seeing things. That you were so surprised (another word for hurt but you'd never admit that to yourself) that Taehyung has moved on so fast that your mind made you see things that weren't there in order to make you feel better.

But it didn't make you feel better. It scared you shitless.

And it was definitely not made up.

You were rooted to your spot in fear. There, on your bed, was Taehyung with that look engraved so deeply on his face that you were sure it was never coming off. This time there was no Jungkook to scream to. This time nothing was going to save you.

What was even more disturbing was the familiar object held in his hand. The leash he'd spent so many nights strapped to, was tied to its the collar and wrapped around someone else's neck.

"Can you see this, ___?" Taehyung says proudly, "Do you see her?"

Of course, you could see her. The body of the girl kneeling down between Taehyung's open legs came with a face that you'd spent the last month studying its every curve and crevice and damning its owner to hell.

And here she was.

In hell.

Nayeon.

"Taehyung... stop this." Your voice was airy and shaken, and you were surprised it was even audible at all.

"No," His voice was cold. It showed not the slightest hint of desire to follow your order. "I've listened to you and done all you've asked of me for so long that you thought you were the only person with power here. Well, you wanted me to show you my power so sit tight and watch me."

Taehyung gets up and pulls the leash around Nayeon's neck upwards with him, forcing her to get up if she wants to keep breathing. He wraps his arms around her and his body completely engulfs her small figure.

"This is the girl that has you so insecure right? Because she's so much better than you, smarter, purer..." His fingers play with the buttons of her white school shirt and he gives you a wicked look before he suddenly grips it and tears it in half. The sight in front of you shocks you even more if that was even possible. Nayeon's entire chest and stomach area were covered in bruises and bites. Taehyung's long, nimble fingers run across the exposed skin, tracing every little mark as if pointing it out to you before he moves his hands to her bra and pulls the cups down below her breasts.

He pinches her nipples harshly and she cries out but only arches further into his hands. "So pure, incorruptible..." Taehyung drawls, fixing you with lust-addled eyes, then one of his hand slithers down to cup Nayeon's heat and the other one slides up to her mouth where he pushes his fingers in, going deeper and deeper until she's gagging around him.

After he is satisfied with how wet his fingers got, he moves his hand back down to her breast and smears the thick saliva over it, pinching and pulling until even you got weak in the knees.

You could see his hand moving under her skirt and the girl mewls at his every move. "The difference between you two is irredeemable."

Nayeon suddenly screams out after a particularly harsh move of Taehyung's hand and you know that he has pushed his fingers into her. The haze of lust that surrounds him creeps up around you as he never breaks eye contact with you while he's fingering her.

You've never seen Taehyung this way. He was domineering and insatiable as he pressed on Nayeon's back, making her bend down then lifting her skirt up and sliding her underwear around her ankles.

"Taehyung, no!" You scream at him despite the burning fire inside of you that's telling you to keep quiet and enjoy the show he's putting on for you.

Taehyung looks up at you in amusement, "No?" His eyes travel down to catch you rubbing your thighs together in frustration, and you stop, humiliated at the smug look on his face.

His eyes snap back to yours, "Are you worried for her chastity?" Of course, you weren't. You didn't care if Nayeon fucked someone or not but you cared about her choice in the matter. Even at your worst, you've never done anything to Taehyung against his will and you'd be horrified if he did that.

Taehyung reads you as easily as always and he pulls the girl back up by her hair and speaks softly to her, "Nayeon, sweetheart, tell the nice lady how badly you want me to shove my cock into your pussy right now."

"I want it so bad." Nayeon whines.

"That's not good enough. She thinks I'm forcing you to do this. I won't fuck you until she's convinced enough to let me."

"Oh, please, ___. I need him so bad. I'm the one who told him to do this to me. He didn't make me do anything. I'm the one who crawled into his bed and begged him to fuck me."

"That's right, Nayeonie. You came to me trying to win me over after she left me but you weren't good enough to win my heart so you gave me your body to use as I please, hoping that would make me forget her. Isn't that right baby?"

"Yes, I swear to it, ___." The girl was inconsolable, caught between begging the both of you.

"She was so easy, ___. Begging and pleading for me to fuck her. I took her so many times in so many ways and places. There isn't a thing she didn't let me do to her and there isn't a place around this town where I didn't fuck her, except here but you could fix that."

People could call you what they wanted. They could say you are wretched and sick but in that moment you wanted nothing more than to watch Taehyung defile the girl you had been so envious of right in front of you.

"Nayeon," Your voice carried loudly and sharply through the room and Taehyung shivered when it hit him, "Be good and please my pet."

In a second, Taehyung had Nayeon's upper body pushed down again and he was thrusting into her. What he lacked in control as a dom, he made up for it in the sheer brutality of his thrusts. He was treating the poor girl as nothing more than warm and soft sex toy to substitute for what you had deprived him of and you knew it.

"What do you think of my new pussy, ___?" Taehyung grunted at you, "I, for one, like it better than the rubber tube you always made me fuck."

Your temper flares up; the brat was acting ungrateful to rouse you up and it worked.

He seemed satisfied by the reaction he got out of you. "The pussy of a good girl really feels better than anything. I'm close to cumming already, but I've never fucked her without a condom before this and I told her not to go on the pill. If I cum now I'll surely knock her up. Would you like to see me ruin such a good girl's life and reputation by making her have my baby? That would give everyone a shock, wouldn't it? They always talked about how you'll be the one who got pregnant with Jungkook's baby."

Taehyung laughs but you could easily see the anger behind his eyes and this somehow makes him scarier than Jungkook and all his muscles, but you have to step up to him. This was getting out of hand.

"Taehyung, don't be crazy. You can't do that!" You yell frantically. At this point, you weren't entirely confident that Taehyung hasn't lost his mind.

He ignores you and fucks Nayeon even harder, swinging the girl forwards and backwards on his dick as he chases his release, making her almost fall to the floor if it wasn't for his claw-like grip on her hips.

By the look on Taehyung's face and the sounds he made, you knew you didn't have much time so you miraculously force your wobbly legs to work and you run up the short distance to them, using your whole body to shove Taehyung off the girl.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you completely lost it?" You find yourself hitting him, the emotions that were held in place by shock suddenly emerging with a vengeance. "I left you so you can live a good life like you were supposed to. Why couldn't you just be normal?!"

Taehyung grabs you by your short hair, pulling so hard you feel like he will pluck it right off, and pushes you against one of the walls. You kick him in the shin, trying to distract him so you could get away but it seems like his fights with Jungkook have taught him to handle the pain and he's only startled for a second before his large hand is in a tight lock around your slim throat and he's shoving you against the wall again.

For a second your vision goes black and you can only hear his voice growling in your ear. "Because I've never been normal." He clenches his hand around your throat tighter, "Why can't you fucking get that? You didn't ruin me. I was already ruined."

He drags his lips down your throat slowly, his breathing getting heavier. "Maybe I should convince you the same way I convinced Nayeon."

Taehyung grips his dick with his free hand and you quickly put yours over his to stop him. Even though your pussy was weeping at the thought of fucking Taehyung, you just couldn't let him do that. If you let him fuck you on his terms then all the control you had over him would fly out the window. You need to do something to get the upper hand again and fast.

You firmly remove his hand from his dick and guide it under your skirt and under your stockings and panties then you shakily lift your hand up to tug on his hair. "I think you've had a bit too much fun, puppy."

Taehyung smirks and you're dismayed that he didn't back down. "I think I could have more."

His fingers slide easily up and down your soaked folds, stopping to rub your clit every other stroke and by the looks of it, he's thrilled to have made you so wet that it only encourages him to be bolder with you instead of slipping back to his submissive self as you had hoped.

This wouldn't do. He was too volatile, too dangerous... and you have the shocking realization that, despite the number of horrible things you did to him, there was one good thing that trumped them all and that was that you kept him in check. You never noticed it before because this was the first and only time you had let him have free reign over his actions but now you could see it clearly.

He was right about being rotten, you were just too busy lamenting your own wickedness that you've never seen the one festering deep inside of him. How many things were you so blind to see because of your egoism?

The thought of your actions actually helping the boy gives you the strength that you needed to fight this new Taehyung and wrestle your boy from between his claws.

The grip you had on his hair tightens and you push him down with all your might. He fights against you, tightening his own grip on your neck, threatening to cut off your air completely.

"Taehyung, kneel." You grit out, battling him with your eyes as much as your hands. He has always been weak against your gaze and you hope that this weakness would now save you both. "Kneel."

Taehyung's eyes go up in a storm as both contradicting sides of him fight for control. It was a haunting sight, and you were dangerously close to being pulled in by the wild winds but you hold onto him tighter and hold your ground, staying firmly in the eye of the storm until he gives in and falls to the ground in one fell swoop. "Good boy." You scratch him behind the ear, letting the last shocks of the storm pass through him entirely then you nudge him forwards and press his mouth over your clothed pussy. "Come on, baby. Show me you can still be good for me."

Taehyung's tongue laps at you through your stockings and panties, and even though that was quite a barrier between you, it still felt euphoric to have his mouth on you again after so long. You could tell that he feels frustrated at not being able to taste you directly and he goes to rip your stockings like he did before but you stop him. No matter how much you wanted it, you need to be firm with him for a while or he might easily slip out of your control. You needed to start acting selflessly for once so you make a compromise and take off your stockings but still keep your panties on despite his whiny protests.

"It seems like you were spoiled rotten on Nayeon and her cheap submissiveness to you but I'm not her and you'll do well to remember that." You threaten him, not caring to hide the edge to your voice. Yes, you're the one who pushed him away but that didn't make you resent his actions with her any less. Taehyung belonged to you, Your possessive feelings towards him were coming back in full force, and you had a hunch that they were there to stay.

"Yes, ___." Taehyung mumbles and starts eating you out again, now satisfied enough with only your panties in the way. He sucks harshly on your lips and you could feel the vibration traveling up your body and moving your vocal cords into action, making you moan out.

"Fuck, Taehyung, you're still so good at eating pussy. Did you practice on her?"

Taehyung shakes his head without pulling back an inch and the movement makes his nose rub directly across your clit, heightening your pleasure even more. "That's very selfish of you. With my puppy's appetite, I'm sure you had her sucking you dick night and day."

Taehyung nods, making him rub against your clit again, this time on purpose. "But it's okay. You belong to me anyway. Now let me ride your pretty face."

He moans into you then keeps his mouth open and his tongue out, letting you rub yourself against him. It doesn't take you long to cum. Taehyung stays still and looks up at you as the pleasure goes through your body. The difference in his expression now than a few minutes ago was startling. His adoration was shining through once again and this time stronger than ever. Nothing ever felt more right to you than this moment. You just needed to do one more thing...

You pull Taehyung up and walk him over to Nayeon who was still lying on the floor where he left her. You put your hands around him the same way he did to her a while ago and your hands find his dick in no time. You stroke him fast and look down at the girl kneeling on the floor.

"Do you see this, Nayeon? He belongs to me and only me. He'll never love you." You quicken your pace, your objective right now was to prove your point, not to savor the moment. You'll have plenty of time for that later now that you understood your true worth... "You'll never be good enough for him."

Nayeon looks at Taehyung with pleading eyes but he shuts her down. "Don't be stupid, Nayeon. Did you honestly think that this wasn’t gonna happen?"

You could tell she did. She actually had hope that you wouldn't take him back but Taehyung knew what he was doing. He knew you all too well.

"You heard him. Now finish what you started and let him cum on your face. You promised you were going to please him."

Nayeon crawls on the floor and sits right below his dick. Taehyung's moans start to get needier and you know he's close so you stop, making all his hopes of an orgasm crash to the ground. "Did you think you were gonna be let off the hook so easily? Your time away from me really messed you up, puppy. No, you're gonna count to ten for me. That was one."

Taehyung doesn't need further explanation to know what you were talking about. You were going to edge him ten times before you allow him to cum, and he could feel the desperation closing on him before he even really starts because to him it feels like he had started the moment you caught him on that cursed date.

You have him right on the edge again in no time then you stop.

"Two." He counts and you only give him a few seconds to relax before you pump him rapidly again.

"Ah, AH, fuck, three."

The time between every edging gets shorter and by eight, Taehyung is ready to bust at the slightest touch but you keep your hand constricted around his base, staving off any form of release. "You're so close, puppy. You're doing so good."

He gives you a grunt and you start moving your hands again. He thrashes so hard in your arms that you almost lose your grip on him multiple times, and it doesn't help that his dick is so wet by now from the combined lubrication of Nayeon's juices and his own precum.

"Please, enough already, I've done enough, please just let me cum now." Taehyung's cries reverberate through you, making you miss the signs of his impending orgasm but to your surprise, he rips your hands off of him and continues the count, "Nine."

You were so proud of him that you get through the last count swiftly then you let him have his much-needed release. Taehyung's cum lands all over Nayeon's face and hair, and you feel so smug watching her become covered in it. The girl who everyone thought of as better than you was sitting there so submissively for Taehyung, the boy who would do anything to please you. It felt good.

"Get her cleaned up and out of here." You hiss in Taehyung's ear when his high is over, "And make sure no word of this gets out to anyone."

Taehyung assures you that he's got it under control and then proceeds to make her presentable and get her out of the house before he comes back to you to find you in the shower. You let him join and this time you're the one who cleans him up and takes care of him.

That night, as you lie in bed with Taehyung in your arms, the world feels almost right again, but then Taehyung jolts you right out of your delusions.

"Don't think this is over yet. I promised myself I will show you how strong I can be, and I still haven't done that yet. Jungkook is still out there confident and happy after having fucked my girl. I will change that soon, and you're going to help me. I'm not the only one who has to atone for their actions."

You're so speechless by the grave warning that you can't even comment on the fact that he was claiming you as his for the first time. You didn't know what his plan was but from the dark intentions in his eyes, you knew that nothing was going to save Jungkook from what was coming for him.

#taehyung smut #taehyung imagine #taehyung fic #taehyung angst #bts smut #bts imagine #bts scenario #bts fic #bts angst #taehyung scenario #jungkook scenario #jungkook imagine #jungkook fic

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the-haven-of-fiction · 7 years

Text

The Prize, Ch. 8

Summary: AU Tom, set in early 19th c. London. Madeleine and Tom have known each other since they were teenagers (her brother is married to his sister). Can they overcome their fears and choose each other?

Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama (Written as an experiment in the heaving bosom/bodice ripper vein)

Rating: T (non-explicit sexuality/mild violence in later chapters)

Author’s Notes: Friendly reminder that I am not a “W”riter, I always feel like I can’t describe what I see, and your imagination needs to be on High right now. Only half beta’d, all mistakes are mine. I promised I would post it before I went to bed and I’m exhausted, should probably go back and edit when I have fresh eyes.

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7

“Tom!” she exclaimed upon seeing him enter the library, “Come see what Fred- uh, Mr.Kingston has brought me!”

His Christian name.

She had just caught herself using his Christian name.

And she was cradling an armful of new books.

That were from him.

Tom wanted to march over to her and tear them from her hands, throw them into the fire, wipe every trace of memory about that man from her mind.

She was smiling, eyes dancing with excitement as they always did at receiving such gifts.

The intimate way she referenced him, the present of the books, and the embrace…

They could only mean one thing.

It was too late.

“You can’t marry him.”

The smile disappeared at his words, words that were uttered as a command, words that sounded harsh and imperious. Words that he knew were wrong, but that he couldn’t stop.

“You can’t marry him,” he repeated with a nod and took another step towards her.

He was horrified when she matched his step with a backwards one of her own and she drew the books to her chest, as if she read his mind and knew his intent and was trying to protect them.

And herself.

Her eyes were now flaring in alarm. She was looking at him as if he were a stranger.

“What?” asked in a tone rife with true confusion.

He said it a third time, hands clenched, the image of Mr.Kingston’s arms around her burned into his vision, the reality of his temporary physical limitations in reference to his slinged arm making him feel still more helpless.

No!

Not my Madeleine!

“I can’t?” she said as her brows furrowed.

He shook his head in affirmation of her question.

“I can’t allow it.”

The expression on her face was unlike anything he had ever witnessed. Incredulity, indignation at his assertion; and rightly so, for it was the first time he had spoken to her in this manner.

“You can’t allow it?” she asked, stunned.

Their exchange at the ball rang through his memory.

“He is not the man who is worthy of you.”

All reason disappeared from his mind. The fear from the last couple of days was suddenly overtaking him again. Fear when he couldn’t rouse her after the accident, fear that she was injured or worse, this new fear that she would truly be lost to him forever.

“You have known him for such a short time. You do not know what you are doing. You are not in full possession of the facts.”

This was going all wrong. Terribly wrong.

He had imagined this scene so many times, for so many months now. He had imagined a lovely, mild evening exactly like this one. He had imagined them together in this house, where she was mistress and nothing would disturb them. In the perfect scenario, the best and most hoped for, he had imagined confessing his affection with the ardent wooing of a lover. He had imagined her flushed with surprise and pleasure at the sweetness of his address, not repulsion and anger at the arrogance of his accusations.

Do something! Say something! Tell her the truth!

“Madeleine, I –“

“The facts, Thomas,” she interrupted, spitting out his name as if it were the bitterest pill in her mouth, “are these. Firstly, this is my home and I will not be spoken to in such a manner, not by you or by anyone. Secondly, I am fully capable of making my own decisions without your approval. Lastly, the conceit you are revealing in this unprecedented display, as though you hold by natural right or my personal consent the power to dictate my choice of husband, is astonishing. How dare you, sir.”

Her voice was shaking by this time.

He was paralyzed.

“Mr.Kingston is a good and honorable man, one who has never spoken to me with anything less than respect and the highest form of gentlemanlike decorum, with anything remotely resembling how you have just now spoken to me.”

He wanted to shake himself from this sudden nightmare. He wanted to turn back the hands of the clock for these last few minutes and start afresh without stubborn masculine pride and stupidity.

“Not even my brother would do as you have done.”

She spoke now with a dreadful sadness, all anger had abated as swiftly as it had sprung.

Madeleine. no.

My darling Maddy, no.

No, this isn’t how it should be.

Please, let me explain.

But she closed her eyes and turned away from him, not seeing that he found the will to move and was reaching for her, silently pleading for her forbearance and forgiveness.

“You have insulted me, you have insulted the affectionate acquaintance between us in the most offensive manner. Please leave.”

Oh, no.

No, don’t send me away.

“I can not bear to be in the presence of someone who has carelessly trod upon a friendship of so many years.”

Friendship. That is all this was. That is all it will ever be now.

“If you have any part of the gentleman remaining in you from that time, please do as I wish and leave.”

You are a blundering fool and you have destroyed your chance. Don’t cause her further pain.

He forced himself to obey, to leave her in a state of bewilderment and self-reproach.

How had this happened.

How had he let this happen.

In mere minutes he had laid waste to every noble intention and hope for a future with her.

How could he possibly repair what he had destroyed in those minutes.

With only a few words spoken in pride, fear, and jealousy.

Words that should have been spoken in love, honesty, and respect.

He exited the library, bumping into the doorframe in his haste, sending pain shooting up his arm into his shoulder. He strode down the hall and into her other favorite room on the first level.

It was dark and he stumbled to the tall mullioned windows and pulled back the drapes to let in the first rays of moonlight. They fell on her mother’s harp and the pianoforte where he had sat with Madeleine and she had taught him to play. He had taken to it quite naturally, surpassing her own skill in a very short amount of time.

He lifted his good hand to the keys. They caressed the smooth ivory for a moment while he attempted to calm the rapid beating of his heart.

Playing always soothed him. He composed his own music when was alone. She was the only one who knew among his family.

And now…

Now she would never know that it was all for her.

He would never be able to tell her that every note bore her name.

The tune that his fingers began was one she had not heard.

It had only been heard by another.

By the one he thought could replace her.

He had not played it since that night.

That terrible night when she had turned away from him, as Madeleine had done, and quietly asked him to leave. As Madeleine had done.

He did not think he would play it again.

But it came unbidden, rushing through his mind and out of his hand in a flood, so different from all of the others.

And those words came unbidden, the words before she had turned away, when she stood next to him as the final chords faded away.

“This is not for me, is it?”

She had been so sad when she spoke, as Madeleine had.

It had been obvious to her. It had been obvious that the progression of notes was teeming with love that was unsure, with desire that was unmet. It could not be for her.

He grit his teeth in frustration at his injury, wishing he could put both hands to the instrument and release, by that action, his heart from this tempest.

When he looked up minutes later, she was there, observing him from the threshold, as he had observed her dancing in the library that morning.

Madeleine.

My Madeleine.

There were tears in her eyes, as there had been in Lucie’s.

For Lucie’s tears, he had felt guilt. He had felt shame.

Madeleine’s tears were infinitely worse.

He had wanted to soothe Lucie’s tears so that his own errors and feelings of disquiet would be soothed. With Madeleine, he wanted to soothe her tears because he had caused them and because…

Because he loved her.

He rose slowly from the bench, waiting to see if he was going to be granted a reprieve. Although truthfully, it would not matter what she said; he only wanted her voice, her eyes, her attention on him. He was the young child who craves the notice of the one he loves, who would submit to any criticism, any correction, anything. If only he could be in her presence.

“There’s no need to leave your place there, I simply wanted to tell you that I am quite tired and I have asked Mrs.Copplan to send a tray to my room with some supper. She will provide you with whatever you require for the evening.”

The coldness and detachment in her voice struck him keenly. Before he could speak, she murmured her goodnight and he stood and listened to her light footfall until he could hear it no more.

A lonely, miserable evening was before him. The dining room was quiet during his solitary meal. He missed their lively chatter across the table, he missed her enjoyment of the first supper when she returned home. Although he was not engaged in conversation, the cacophony inside his mind raged. Normally he would have gone out for a ride, but her objection to the activity that morning at the inn kept him on solid ground. He opted for a stroll out to the gardens again.

By the time he reentered the house, he had a plan. He knew her. He knew her gentle and forgiving nature. He knew her to be gracious, to be understanding. He would simply have to trust in all that he knew of her, in all that he had learned and come to love about her over the years.

He was about to climb the stairs and retire for the night when it crossed his mind that some reading might also help to calm him. Surprise filled him as he made his way down the hall and saw light coming from the room. Perhaps…

His hope was realized when he slowly pushed open the door and saw her curled up in one of the large chairs by the fireplace, a shawl adding another layer to her nightgown and robe. There was a book in her hand, but it was resting on her lap and she was staring off into space.

Ordinarily he would have attempted to leave without her noticing him, not wanting to cause her any embarrassment about her state of attire. But after last night, when she had so boldly appeared before him in a similar state at the inn, and with the current storm between them, he decided it was not something to be given much thought.

He cleared his throat and her gaze met his.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she stated flatly, although her voice had a slight quavering. “I never can sleep when someone is…when I have…”

He saw again that she was on the verge of tears and this time he was determined.

In a few short steps he was in front of her, knees hitting the carpet. Her eyes widened at his movements and he took the book from her lap, closing it and setting it on the table beside the chair. His hand covered her own. He picked up each one in turn, pressing them to his cheeks, needing to feel her soft skin against his.

“Madeleine. My sweetest Maddy, please, do not cry. I am a fool and I am not deserving of your tears. Will you give me a few minutes? Will you grant me that? Let me explain.”

She was still from his first words to his last, her breathing steady throughout his speech. She listened with patience, looking at him as if she would give him all the time he wanted. She listened as he began at the beginning, listened as he gripped her hand, clinging to it like a lifeline to a drowning sailor.

He told her of the slow progression of his feelings, of his fears of harming the familial ties between them, of his endeavor to let her go and his trip to France, of his jealousy of Mr.Kingston, of his conversation with Elton. The clock on the mantle passed from one hour to the next. Still she sat and listened.

“Can you forgive me? My behavior was abominable and I promise, I will never act in such a manner again.”

She nodded, somewhat overwhelmed and not quite able to speak. He bowed his head as a penitent receiving absolution and shut his eyes in relief.

A weight lifted from him, but a wave of shyness rolled in and the final entreaty he had planned to give remained unspoken. He had shared with her everything that there was to share, laid himself open and honest before her, confessed his love. All that was needed was to inquire if there was any chance that she could return the depth of his affection. And be his prize.

He looked up at her, opened his mouth to ask that most vital questions, but she brought her fingers up to his lips and shook her head.

“I have heard enough.”

Oh, God, no. It’s too late.

He moved to stand, to flee like an embarrassed child.

Her next words froze him to the ground.

“And now, if you don’t mind, I’d like you to kiss me.”

#tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fan fiction #the prize #the prize chapter eight

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my-bobohu-blog · 7 years

Text

[170401] a personal update and a very detailed list of my future plans that give me a reason to keep living

so... i’ve been having a rough time again. i don’t even remember if i wrote it down or not? if i recorded it anywhere... but these past couple of days... or weeks i guess... it just felt like i was thrown back into the dark and it felt... terrifying. there was a day when i just couldn’t get out of bed because i just couldn’t? i tried and i wanted to but it just... wasn’t working... i couldn’t function and it felt like i was falling apart but i couldn’t figure out why no matter how many times i tried to walk myself through my emotions. it just felt like i was turned off. and now being back at school at that godforsaken school... it feels 100x worse. i just... i hate being there so much and it makes me feel so empty inside.

sigh. i wanted to journal about all of this but the words never come out right and it takes so much more effort to format it correctly where it’ll work with my brain. but this works too because i can edit things quickly and cleanly without scribbling all over my cute little journal. and sometimes it just takes to long to write everything i want to say and my hand can’t keep up with my thoughts and i don’t want to leave anything out because my little plans for the future are important to me and even the smallest plans bring me a lot of joy so i just... i want to keep track of them all, mm?

okay... so... i guess i’ll start listing off my future plans one by one in chronological order because it brings me a kind of peace and it makes me happy knowing that i’ll be capable of achieving these things one day...

for this weekend:

start my poetry readings (homer’s iliad) and idk just be a bit more active in my learning instead of trying to just run away from it

check canvas for any global health readings too so i can plan time to do those readings before monday’s class

watch ep 12 of swdbs (hehehe tonight hopefully after i take a nice shower and put my hair into braids)

for this coming week:

i will go to all my classes this week. no more skips. and i’ll get on top of my work (which isn’t much i don’t think) but i will be prepared

go bowling with hai maybe? i don’t know. we’ll see and i think i should be more honest with myself when it comes to him too

i wanna start a drama (the one with joy and lee hyun woo) and also keep watching grey’s anatomy and running man

the weather is supposed to be nicer on monday through wednesday so maybe i’ll go to the zoo one of those days and see my baby otter pups

i should get my genetics and a&p credits transferred before something miraculously stupid happens like uw expels me for kicks and giggles

deposit money into the bank account to pay off my bills and to make up for all the shit i spent money on these past couple months (no regrets)

look cute one of these days and go take some selfies by the cherry blossoms @ the quad... which would be cool, hmm?

buy some more strawberry milk bc it makes me happy :)

for this month:

go to the zoo at least twice to visit the baby otter pups and to just... enjoy the zoo whether it’s on my own or with company

no skipping classes in april to the best of your ability... because may and june might be hard and i need to keep it together at least one month

make sure to have a bad day preparedness plan just in case the bad days are bad and skipping isn’t an option

figure out a schedule to start working out on a weekly basis- but at the very least start working out at home or something

buy some cool socks and make hai a picture ornament for his birthday that’s coming up

fly to la to see fey, exo, and some sunshine LOL~ remember to have a good time and to just enjoy life as it comes

trim bangs

for this school year:

pray like there’s no tomorrow that i got into the MLS program because it means the world to me and i want to stop being disappointed by life

pray some more just in case and just... pray a lot, hmm? just... lots of praying tbvh

apply to the biology major (ba bc bs is a pain in the ass even if it’s just one more physics class- fuck that)

do my best to just finish this quarter strong and to just get through it no matter what it may throw at me

drive to the beach on a really sunny/warm day and just feel the wind blow through my hair and enjoy life

transfer every single one of my credits and just get that taken care of so that i can figure out my next steps at this godforsaken school

go to oshian’s graduation and get her the most kickass present i can think of/make because she deserves it more than the world

for the future and beyond:

get into the mls program and totally kick ass by being motivated to learn new shit and making friends with my small cohort

get into the bio major and kick ass at that too because biology is just in my blood and engraved in my heart at this point

take a shit ton of challenging classes that make life worth living and do my clinical rotations and kick ass at that too because it’s lab and i love it

graduate with a bs in mls and a ba in bio and a minor in chem and if i’m feeling ambitious lets just tag on a minor in microbio too if i can

but really, graduate with at least a bs in mls because that’s what matters and i’m gonna do great with that too

apply to hospitals in seattle and boston and move to boston if there’s a place for me there

go on a big ass trip of joys and wonders after i graduate and before i move for my big senior solo trip

visit south korea, japan, and taiwan~ (maybe schedule it around the time of an exo concert, mm? and go to hot springs in japan~)

visit sm coex, go to pet cafes, run through the taiwanese night markets, eat all the delicious foods, just... live and be happy and explore

move to boston (hopefully) and start over with a new life with a job at a wonderful hospital~ live there for 2-3 years and see how it goes

go to farmers’ markets and buy myself fruits and flowers, learn how to cook more, live on my own, drink wine and watch netflix on my own

get a corgi and name it bubby and love it more than anything else in the world because it will be my lil love and my lil bub and it will own my soul

travel to europe and visit england, spain, france, and germany and idk anywhere in between wherever my heart takes me

apply to graduate school (maybe u of maryland) and get a masters in the pathologists’ assistant program

become a freaking pathologists’ assistant??? and make $100k+ a year??? and kick fucking ass???

open up Bubby’s Bookshop (latter half of name still pending) as a safe space for ppl to go and be at peace

oh and adopt lola (or lolo) and my cat sparkles~ and shower them with all the love in the world

make special spaces in bubby’s bookshop like lola’s library and sparkles’ safe space w/ lil themes for ppl to seek comfort in

maybe get my phd??? so that i can be the lab director of a lab one day and just... still totally kick ass? because... that would be awesome

dr. elaine~ ayeeeeee LOLOLOL but really... that would be kind of really great and cool and exciting

buy a beach house or something... maybe start small and just rent a beachside apartment ya know? but... i’ll get there ;)

live simply, humbly, and happily

for everything in between my life plans:

remain flexible and have back ups and don’t be afraid to let go of certain future plans simply because they aren’t gonna work out

if i don’t get into the mls program, then i’ll get my bio degree and get a certification program in mls and i’ll go from there and adjust accordingly

if i choose a path different from pathologists’ assistant, then that’s cool too as long as i enjoy whatever path i take

hope and pray that my heart still belongs in labs and that truly where i am happy and where my soul resides

if not, then i can figure out something else from there too. there will always be time

for the bad days and the good days and life in between:

tell someone (oshian probably bc she’s my person) whenever those bad waves come before i start to drown too deeply

do not be afraid to reach out and to just... ask for help no matter how much of a burden i feel like i am... because i still matter and i need help

go to the zoo often and go to the beach often and just go places often. try to avoid holing myself in my room if i can avoid it

take advantage of good opportunities and try to put myself out there every once in a while- like good internships

keep friends. don’t push them away... because they matter and they’re important and they are everything

dude, go out to eat with other people. like literally anyone and not just by myself bc sometimes it’s a tad depressing and company is fucking gr8

take care of myself and know my own limits because those are essential to my sanity and my health and hopefully it will get better

but if it doesn’t, at least i’ll still have me and i will get myself through every single bad day in life and i will persevere and survive

even if this is the longest shit i’ve written it still feels so incomplete? like i’m missing something or that i’m leaving out some small details that really matter... but... i think that’s okay, hmm? i hope... i hope i can achieve these things or at least still remain true to the heart and soul that is striving after these things.

i want to be better. i want to be a better elaine that little-elaine can look up to and be proud of. i want big-elaine to look back and think, “you did good little one. thank you for the strength to get us to this point. you did good.” because that matters and because... because even if i make all these plans, i’m still scared that something is going to go wrong with my heart and my soul and that somewhere underneath all of this is someone who is rotten at the core and... and i hope that’s not true... but i’m trying. i’m trying my best and i’m trying to be the best i can be even if that just means buying strawberry milk on a wednesday to help me get through the rest of the week. and i don’t know if that made sense... but it matters to me. because... because i’ve gone through a shit ton and i don’t always think i’m a good person... but goddammit i’m trying and that has to count for something... it has to matter to me that i’m trying.

sigh.

none of my future plans really have people involved specifically... except osh bc she’s my best friend and i will fight like hell to keep her in my life even if i’m living across the country. but... there’s no plans for a boyfriend or a husband... because... because i feel like if i do that then i’ll be weak and that somehow having plans will break my heart when they don’t come true because they never do. so idk... i don’t even know why i wanted to mention this but i also kind of know because i told myself i’d be honest with myself today. and the truth is... i’m scared of being alone and i’m scared of settling and i’m scared of being with someone i’m unhappy with so i’d rather just be alone because i can control how i feel about myself and i can control those aspects of my future because they’re my future and someone else’s future isn’t a part of that- not really. and... and i’m scared of someone walking in and changing my plans and then walking right back out after damage has been done... and i’m scared because i can’t control their feelings but... but i don’t want to have to pick up all my broken pieces each time someone walks out of my life either. i’ve grown so tired of it.

but... but i won’t lie. i want someone who is gonna hug me at the end of the day and kiss me on the forehead and hold my hand and tell me that even on my worse days, things are going to be okay... that i’m going to be okay. because they’ll know that only me telling myself those things isn’t always enough so they’re there to support me too. and... and i want to love someone. really love someone and just... link arms with them and let them cuddle up with me in bed and tell them about my future plans and ask about theirs and maybe make future plans together. my goodness i don’t want to end up alone but i feel like i will just because i’m too fucking scared to include anyone in my future... but... i hope... i really hope that i won’t end up alone. which is a stupid sentiment by the way bc i have osh and my family who love and adore me and would do anything for me... and i’m still trying to figure out what i mean when i want someone to love me... and i guess i mean that in a s/o kind of way but... but still... it just... feels weird. like i want someone special but osh and family are still special and i don’t know how to specify what i want in words but i think it’s understandable but i wish i could just break it down and really make sense of what i want... sigh. idk... i’m just rambling at this point.

alright... i’m growing tired because i’m still not sure what the point of these last few points were. anyways.

to my little love (aka me), you are doing great and i’m proud of you. even if the depression feels like it’s eating you alive- you are going to survive this. you have goals and plans and it’s going to be okay because you’re smart and you’re going to fight and you’re going to survive this and it’s going to get better. even if life decides to screw you over at every corner you turn, you’re going to persevere and make it through. even if you have to suffer, you will fucking persevere because that’s just what you do and that’s what your heart is made of. it was meant to persevere even in the toughest times that test you and make you want to give up- you never will. even if there are smaller things that occupy your mind and your time- even if there are things that make you more vulnerable than you ever anticipated despite you knowing it shouldn’t- you’re gonna be okay and it’s going to be okay. you are going to accomplish all your goals in the best of your ability and you’re going to have a bright future because that’s just who and what you are. you are light and you are meant to live simply and brightly and it’s going to be okay. and even if you find yourself in the darkness, you will light your own way and figure your way out. you are strong my little potato bud. you are going to be great and i am so proud of you.

#for me #i just... need a place to put my thoughts #painfully personal #personal #the longest fucking post i've ever written #for the bad days

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ruizbrooke89 · 4 years

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I Need My Ex Back Post Comment Fascinating Useful Tips

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Get Your Ex Back Podcast

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How To Get Your Ex To Want U Back

#I Need My Ex Back Post Comment Fascinating Useful Tips #Get Ex Girlfriend Back From Rebound

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goldeagleprice · 5 years

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The State of Coin Collecting

by Dominic Cicio

Just glanced at the May 14 issue of Numismatic News and noticed the R.W. Barker letter about the pending liquidation of F&W Media. This took me by surprise but upon pondering the reality I began to think “what is the State of the Coin Collecting Hobby?”

Let us start with demographics. Just an observation but the vast majority of Collectors (NOT Investors) are most probably in the 60 plus age category with many in the 70 plus age bracket. The cycle of life is on the downside for this demographic. In the last month we lost Doris Day and Tim Conway.

Many of the baby boomer collectors started in the 50’s and 60’s when you would come across Buffalo nickels, Mercury dimes, Walking Liberty halves and even an occasional Indian Head penny in change. I remember my first coin being a 1909 vdb.

I was about seven or eight years old and my brother in law, a collector, showed me where to find the vdb. He gave me a used Whitman book and it was the first coin I inserted. I inspected every coin I received in change for years to come, filling as many holes in my Whitman book as I could. For some reason I remember having an old hard cover Blue book that was published annually.

Not knowing how to grade coins I thought I was going to be rich someday figuring my coins would be worth the median grade. My coin mentor passed in the early 60’s so I never really learned about grading and I only collected coins I received in change. I come from a poor area of Brooklyn, N.Y. In the early 60’s a friend showed me how to acid date Buffalo nickels.

As a teen, I continued to fill the holes in my Whitman books but would remove the least expensive coin or duplicates as I needed spending money. In 1964 I even had a good number of Kennedy halves but only saved one or two. A half dollar was a good amount of money in 1964.

My teen years were spent on wilder hobbies and my Whitman books were buried in some drawer. As silver left coins so did my interest. They just didn’t have the same feel. Of course, as I got older, I continued to check my change but only tossed Wheaties and silver coins in a drawer. I became an active accumulator without even realizing it.

I started buying from the mint in the late 70’s and early 80’s just to say I had a coin for each year. Then in the 90’s I was monetarily stable so I started to buy silver sets. Actually, the Silver Premier sets have some of the most beautiful coins.

Unfortunately, they never appreciated in value. But on occasion I take a look at them just to enjoy the beauty. Perhaps in 50 years they will appreciate? I always loved the Silver Eagle Proof as well. I even went on the mint subscription list. The cost of buying from the mint will most likely never allow you to make a profit. Except in 1995 and 2008. I still kick myself over making the wrong choices those years.

The 21st century is here and like many retired persons I have a mishmash of coins. I recently wanted to check the actual value of the 5-coin 2011 Proof American Eagle set. NN has it listed for $700. Coin dealer offered $390 which is 30% of or off Grey Sheet. Obviously, they sell for a lot more on eBay. But like many older collectors who have the time, there is a lack of patience and know how.

If you are fortunate enough to have children or grandchildren; make them a deal to sell the coins for you on eBay while you are alive. They may even become collectors or investors as a result. It is a great way to liquidate a collection that you will end up leaving in your estate anyway.

So, “What is the State of the Coin Collecting Hobby?” Aside from the fact that collectors have years of coin collecting memories, both good and bad, it is the memories and dreams of coin collecting that make it worthwhile for many.

Is the hobby of Kings and Queens reverting back to the Elites? If you have a $100,000 plus to invest in a rare coin you will probably make money in the long term. If you are a dealer or investor you will make money because it’s your job. Dealers and investors need to put food on the family table.

Investors, however, need to buy at a minimal markup and sell at spot to make it worthwhile. Unfortunately, the markup from the mint makes selling at spot a losing proposition. That will hurt in the long run. The coins sold by the mint will never be scarce or rare. Besides, modern coins are well preserved direct from the mint. The circulated coins are easily discolored, dirty or just plain rotting away.

For the rest of the accumulators and collectors, it is the joy of holding in your hand a raw coin made of silver or gold. It’s the memory of looking for that 1943 penny or 1909 SVDB penny that has eluded you your entire lifetime. Most older accumulators/collectors are no longer purchasing coins as it is time for them to liquidate. The reality that they will never find that scarce coin has set in. Sure, many can afford to purchase a slabbed 1916D dime or a 1909 SVDB but the purchase is nothing like a find. There is nothing like finding a war nickel in change and putting it aside into an old medicine tube with others found throughout the years.

So after considering all the variables of coin collecting, even as an amateur, the state of the hobby will remain strong. Just some of the methods of how to collect and invest in coins have changed. Slabbing of coins makes it much easier to know what you buy and sell. Of course, for the older collectors/accumulators the new methods limit holding a raw coin. Oh, the feel of a silver or gold coin. Just carry around a bullion Silver Eagle for a week to try it out.

I sure hope Numismatic News stays afloat. Perhaps someone can woo Dave Harper out of retirement? Perhaps the Big Three Slabbing companies will take over the publication?

This article was originally printed in Numismatic News. >> Subscribe today.

The post The State of Coin Collecting appeared first on Numismatic News.

#Precious Metals

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fayecallasdatingblog · 6 years

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How to Make Your Ex Chase You (Reverse the Power Dynamic)

So you want your ex back…or at least to make him want you, so now you’re asking your friends for advice on how to make your ex chase you.

You’re sure that, if you “play hard to get”, he’ll come running back and beg you to take him back.

I’ll be honest: this may or may not happen, depending on how serious the reason for your breakup was. There are tons of useless articles online promising you that you can win him back with a few “cheat tips.” But I’m not here to take your money and give you bad advice. I want you to know that if it’s not meant to be with this guy, no amount of effort is going to change that.

The best thing you can do is let him go and move on.

On the other hand…I’ve coached hundreds of men and women, and seen many many examples of when the following strategies on worked to get couples back together.

I’m going to assume that he broke up with you if you’re trying to get him to come after you (otherwise you’d be doing the chasing), so in this article, I’ll go into strategies on how to make your ex chase you that don’t involve games or lying.

Before You Plot How to Make Your Ex Chase You…

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Consider this your safety warning. I know that when he left you, you probably felt broken into a million little bits. You miss him a thousand times a day. You can’t see your life going forward without him.

But step outside of your pain with me for just a moment to really assess whether you need this man back in your life. Don’t gloss over what went wrong, whether it was just at the end or throughout the entire relationship. Really own those problems. Examine them.

Were there times you were so frustrated about those problems that you couldn’t see the relationship working out?

Did the two of you constantly fight about your issues?

Did you feel like you were unable to trust him?

It’s easy to bury your head in the sand after the psychological trauma of being broken up with. But you need to be honest with yourself about whether that relationship really had any hope of surviving, or if it was doomed from the start.

I get it.

Right now, all you can see is the goal of getting him back and of learning how to make your ex chase you. But please consider whether that is truly the best thing for your sanity and wellbeing. It might not be. (following #2 will help you figure this out.)

Step #1: Take Back Your Power

There’s a power play that happens in a breakup. He controlled that situation. Possibly out of nowhere, he drops the bomb that he’s unhappy and can’t stay with you the way things are. Your world crumbles. You have zero power in this situation, other than to walk away with what little dignity you can.

But in the aftermath, you’ve had some time to reflect on the breakup and the relationship in general, and now it’s time for you to take back your power.

You get to decide whether to interact with your ex post-breakup (more on that in #2). You control your reaction to the situation. If you allow him to take up energy in your head, you’re still giving him power.

I know. It’s amazing how someone who’s not even in the room with you can take control of your brain. But you’ve got to push him out. Do things that nurture you. Exercise. Go out with friends. Stay busy. The more active you are, the less time you’ll have to replay conversations or play the “what might have been” game in your head.

Something really interesting happens when you reclaim the power you lost in the breakup. He notices. Where he might have seen you as a sniveling puddle of sadness on the floor right after the breakup (sorry!), he’s now seeing a confident woman who isn’t as upset by the relationship ending as he thought she was. What a blow to his ego.

And one of the reasons men chase women is to boost their egos. So while your intent in taking back your power isn’t specifically to succeed in how to make your ex chase you, it is a nice side effect.

Why are you taking back your power? You’ve had a bruise to the ego. You may feel unwanted or unloved. Trust me: you’re not. So by reclaiming your power, you feel a little more like your old self and are able to see that life doesn’t end because of a breakup.

Step #2: Follow The No Contact Rule

Learn how to make your ex chase you by starting with zero contact for 3 weeks.

I’ve talked before about the no contact rule on Sexy Confidence. There are so many reasons to nix all interaction with your ex right after a breakup.

You need time to heal.

You need perspective on what went wrong.

You need to figure out if you even want/need to be with this man.

Making him miss you a little doesn’t hurt, either!

But maybe right after he dumps you, your ex tells you he wants to stay friends, and still keeps in touch.

He might text you every few days…

Or like your Instagram posts…

Or stop by to see you.

First of all, this goes back to #1. He has power if he’s the one dictating when and where he sees you when you really need time away from him!

I want you to stop and think for a minute. What benefit is there in him saying he wants to stay friends after breaking up with you?

He wants to keep you in his back pocket. He wants you there in case nothing better comes along. You’re his Plan B.

This is not where you want to be, even if you are working on how to make your ex chase you. He needs time away from you to realize what he gave up. To understand that he had a good thing with you, and now he’s jeopardized it. To reflect on how he can win you back.

Because you don’t deserve to be a Plan B. You deserve to be won back like a prize at the county fair. Yeehaw!

So no talking or seeing him for three weeks. Be firm. Own it and you’ll have the power.

Step #3: If He Contacts You, Be Calm and Casual

After that month of no contact, he’ll likely reach out. It might be a simple “hey” text, or he might call you, gushing out how he made a mistake and wants you back. Or somewhere in between.

Whatever the form of contact, whatever he says, you must be calm and detached. He cannot know for a minute that inside you’re jumping up and down for joy at the prospect of things working out after all.

I know you’re a medley of emotions right now. Part of you wants to scream at him for breaking your heart. Part of you wants to cry over the pain you’ve been through. Part of you wants to sigh with relief that he wants you again.

But I’m begging you: keep it in check. If you want to know how to make your ex chase you, you’ve got to play it calm, cool, and collected.

Let’s look at two versions of you and assess which your ex would be more likely to chase.

Version A: “Omigod I knew you’d come back! I’ve been miserable without you! I can’t eat! I can’t sleep! Should I bring my toothbrush over since I’m staying the night tonight (and every night after)!”

Version B: “It’s good to hear from you. How have you been? I’ve been crazy busy. Finally got around to taking those salsa lessons I talked about.”

I mean, be honest: which is more appealing to you? Version A is a hot mess…whereas Version B is a Sexy Confident lady who doesn’t fall apart when a man does something to her, for better or worse. He’s not even sure he can win back Version B, so he’s going to try even harder (because failure = bruised ego).

Step #4: Wait For Him To Come Chasing After You

Allow him to chase you! It’s harder than it sounds.

If you want to win at how to make your ex chase you, you’ve got to let him actually chase you! Just because he’s sniffing around you again doesn’t mean that he’s actively pursuing you or that he wants to get back together. Men chase what they can’t easily access, so you’ve got to become less accessible.

You do that by getting a life.

Like I always say, I’m not encouraging you to manipulate him or play games, but you can make it harder for him to reach you. Put your phone on silent while you watch tv so you don’t jump up to respond to his text within seconds. Go out and get active so you can honestly say you’re not available tonight. Let him text first. Set the framework for when and how he can connect with you. Dole out your time like treats.

I know this is going to be challenging for all you assertive women out there who don’t mind making the first move but resist!

Step #5: Resist the Urge to Tell Him Everything About Your Life

He lost the privilege of getting a detailed account of the goings-on in your world the day he broke up with you, so don’t feel like you have to be so forthcoming now.

If he wants to see you and you have plans, just say, “sorry, I have plans.”

You don’t need to tell him that you’re going on a date…

Or hanging with girlfriends…

Or coloring your hair.

Let him wonder. Mystery is intriguing, and will make him pursue you all the more.

Step #6: Do NOT Sleep With Him Until the Deal is Sealed

via GIPHY

It’s shocking: 44% of people have slept with an ex…and you can bet they didn’t all end up back together as a couple long-term. Sleeping with someone you’ve already been with, who you’ve trusted with your body and soul, can seem like a good idea, but remember your goal. You’re working on how to make your ex chase you so that you can be together indefinitely…not for a night.

So while you might read his seduction as the first step toward a reunion, realize that it probably isn’t. It could just be that he’s horny, and figures it’s easier to get with you than go meet a chick in a bar, buy her a drink, and hope that she goes for it.

Sleeping with him after a breakup but before you’re officially back together can severely impact your efforts to get him back. It can make him stop chasing you altogether when he sees there’s no challenge.

So yes, he can want to sleep with you…that desire may fuel him to work to woo you back. But you absolutely shouldn’t act on it until you’re officially an item once again.

Conclusion:

As you develop your own strategies for how to make your ex chase you, keep asking yourself if you still want to get back together. You may find that you see a different side of him as he tries to win you over…and maybe he’s less enticing than he once was.

If he’s overly emotional and eager about getting back together, you may find him less attractive (#3 works both ways). Sure, you want him to be contrite and apologetic about ending something that had potential, but he still needs to seem like a catch in your eyes.

So have fun with it! Being wooed is one of the joys of dating and relationships, and it very well could inject the fresh energy you needed to make your relationship work long-term.

So talk to me. What methods have you learned for how to make your ex chase you that had positive results? Share them in the comments below!

The first step of winning him back is making yourself whole again. I created the Heal Your Heart program with you in mind, and filled it with amazing resources to help you mend that broken heart before you work on how to make your ex chase you and ultimately capture your heart again. Get access here.

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