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ltjlily17 · 4 years

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Oh, can we call it a night?

What’s the most played song on your iPod? I don’t iPod anymore these days, but theres a site that will aggregate your Spotify listening, and the song I’ve listened to the most all time on Spotify is In Your Atmosphere by John Mayer. What is one quality you admire most in others? People who know what they want to do with themselves. What would you do with a million dollars? Invest it, maybe? Buy a new car. Start a non-profit that will save the world. Or just a small part of it. What’s your favorite song to dance to? All of them. What would your ideal birthday party be like?

No idea.This year I went to my favorite pizza place with a couple of friends, my mom and husband. Was pretty good.

If you could be reincarnated into anything you wanted, what would it be? I’m not sure I believe in any of that. What talent would you like to have? I wish I was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC at something. I’m good at most things, and can get by, but I’m not outstanding at any singular thing. Are you ticklish? Nah. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 3 days or so. I basically had the flu and felt like I was dying. Not like the real flu either, theres this illness you get when your body hasn’t slept in too long. What New Year’s resolutions did you make? None. What are three songs that mean the most to you? Mayonaise by the Smashing Pumpkins, Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton and Bornand Raised by John Mayer. Someone else used these italics and I’m just running with it.

Who is the one person you miss the most? No one? What do you think of your parents? They are flawed people. I make the best out of my relationship with my mom, but I’m just not sure I want to bother with my dad. What is one thing you would do to make the world better? Instill a sense of community. People would be so much better off if we all gave a shit about the other people we are on this planet with. What is your favorite kind of sandwich? Hot, cheesy, some kind of sauce. Other than that, I’m flexible. If you had a puppy, what would you name it? I got a puppy 2 years ago and his name is Finn. We wanted a Star Wars name and Supreme Leader was the runner up name. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? I can’t think of anything I’d wanna see. What people do behind closed doors is their business lol. How much cash do you have on you right now? None. I’m in pjs, but beyond that, I rarely use cash. What do you think makes you attractive to other people? Humor or personality? Would more money make you happier? I don’t know. We have a comfortable amount now, minus paying for healthcare. Steve may have a job offer that would cover the healthcare, but would I be happy not working? Would I just turn into a loser slug? What is one of your favorite memories as a child? I really don’t know. My parents pretty much screamed and threw things all the time until my dad moved out. Then they played horrible games with me in the middle. There’s a lot of stuff I don’t even remember about being a child. I’d say the good stuff started happening when I was a teen and could seek refuge in my friends and their stable houses. I had one friend in particular, Andrew, whose mom and dad were super nice and he had a fun little sister- every time I was over there, which was VERY often, it was like a slice of the good life. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life? This was on another survey and I didn’t know how to answer it. I think once it’s done I just move on, I’m really a dweller. How do you measure intelligence? Unsure. I guess you just get a feeling for someones intelligence as you’re interacting with them.

What cartoons do you watch? None at the moment. I did just get Disney+, so that may change, but there aren’t really any cartoons I’m planning on watching. Have you ever used drugs? Nope. If you were a Skittle, what flavor would it be? The purple one. Sleeper hit. How would you describe your style? Hmmm. Casual indie bohemian with a side of lazy fat person. If you had to spend $1,000 in one hour, how would you spend it? The internet. Generally, my money goes to clothes or Halloween decorations. I really wanna buy some regular decor for the house though, so maybe that. What’s your favorite smell and why? I don’t have one. Something not flowery or overbearing. Something fresh and natural. Where do you buy your clothes? Anthropologie, ModCloth, Target, Gap, Old Navy, Loft. What’s your favorite kind of cake? Birthday cake? Funfetti? Does intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe? I have absolutely no idea. I used to think that it was just statistically impossible that there wasn’t, but fuck I don’t even know how any of this got here, so I no longer have an opinion. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? MilkBar birthday cake. Are you into tattoos? I guess so? I like the art of them, I follow a lot of tattoo people on instagram and keep up with their work. I just got my first tattoo a week ago and I’m 35, so it’s not like something I do a lot, ha ha. Do you like photography? I do. I have illusions that I’m a photographer sometimes. I should be currently editing a wedding right now, but here I am. I’m just not sure I’ll ever be the kind of photographer I’d like to be, so I don’t know what I wanna do with it going forward. If you were a holiday, which one would you be? Halloween 100% Do you have any siblings? Nope. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it be of? I just got one. It’s a bat pusheen. I really wanted a bat of some sort and pusheen is my favorite so I just went for it. I always thought my bat tattoo would be a little more dark, but it is what it is lol. What’s the biggest celebrity you’ve ever seen in real life? I hid behind a dumpster when I was like 14 and 3 of the Backstreet Noys walked right by me, ha ha. I have some photos with me and the guys from Good Charlotte from when I was a wee teenybopper. How many pushups can you do? Absolutely zero. What person in history do you admire most? None? I don’t think I admire anyone. These surveys are quickly informing me that I don’t believe in anything or look up to anyone. Am I inert? Who is your favorite actor? I don’t have one. Ha ha, see above. I like most of the stuff Chris Pratt is in. Robery Downey Jr as Iron Man is iconic, but I’ve never seen any of his other movies. I like Adam Driver in Girls and Star Wars. What is the most daring thing that you have done in public? Spoke. Have you ever lied about your age? I don’t think I’ve ever had cause to. Have you ever cried while watching a movie? If so, what movie? For sure. Everything makes me tear up in my old age. Last movie was probably Endgame, though. Are you afraid of anything that most people are not afraid of? Not like huge, life changing fears, but I’m always afraid a bug will get caught in my hair and I can’t touch drains because they freak me out. Where do you see yourself five years from now? I’ve never been one to make plans. Hopefully happy with more direction. What is your favorite candy? Fun Dip, Nerds, Starburst. Have you ever watched someone struggle with addiction? Not someone suer close, but there are lots of auxillary people I know that have and do. Who do you look up to for your style? No one in particular. I see things on the internet I like and try to incorporate that, but its always varied sources. Who is your favorite sports team? I don’t follow sports. How often do you drink alcohol? Once every two weeks? Even then, its usually just one drink with dinner. I don’t much care about drinking. It seems like a lot of work to fill myself up with something I don’t really like the taste of just so I can potentially feel bad later. What is your life in three words? Evolving yet bland. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be? I knew that, I’d be working towards it. Would you have a pet dragon? If so what color would it be? Sure. Whatever color dragon is fine with me. What’s your favorite sport? The only one I even kind of pretend to care about is baseball. Do you believe that homeless people are dangerous? No. If you could be skinny and miserable or fat and happy, which would you be? I’d always pick happy. If your life flashed before you, what do you wish you would have done? Hmmm, I don’t know. I don’t have like any huge regret at the moment so probably just wish I’d have enjoyed myself more. If you were to invent something, what would it be? Hopefully something that makes the world better. Some kind of climate change related thing? Who would you like to get to know better? This wholesaler real estate guy that has been selling us properties. Maybe if we knew him better, he would give us better deals, lol. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Near drowning when I was seven. Do you fear death? Yep. What is the strangest food you ever ate? Hmmm. I like food with interesting combinations. Like smelly cheese or beet pesto or something, but I’m not on board with weird meat and I don’t eat seafood. Do you think you’re cool? Nah. What reality show would you like to be on? None. I don’t watch any of them. The only show like that I ever watched was the Osbournes, ah aha. What’s your favorite thing to order at a Chinese food restaurant? Whatever is gluten free. Ususally no choices for me at most chinese places. PF Changs has pad thai and general tsos I can have and another place nearby has general tsos too, but thats about it.

I loved lo mein and crab rangoon in my former life, though. Are you happy with your life? For the most part. If you could name your own planet, what would you call it? I’d need some plantary details before coming up with a name. If you could live another 200 years. What would you hope to see? People learning that we need to work together. Would you rather be hot or cold? Well, I’m cold like 90% of the time and that sucks, but at least you can do something about it and layer up and get blankets and such- if you’re hot, you’re just stuck. How would you rate yourself? What am I rating here? I’m like a 0 at makeup skills, but like an 11 if you need someone to pick you up in an emergency. 10 at playlist making. 1 at doing the dishes. Would you ever move to a different country in an attempt to start over? Maybe not to “start over”, but I would definitely consider a dream job in another country if all the details worked out. If you could be a character from any book, who would you be? No idea. I read a lot of Stephen King and none of those characters are alright. Do you prefer taking baths or showers? I’d love to take a bath, but I’m a little big for the tub. Do you still collect toys from Happy Meals? Nope. I never ate happy meals even as a kid, so I never did. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? I drove two states over for a sandwich once. It was like a 15 hour round trip. In your opinion what is the greatest challenge the world faces today? People being willing to fuck over every one else if they think it will benefit them in any tiny, miniscule way. You are destroying everything by being an asshole and letting the people that really have all the money get away with it. Do you like dogs or cats better? I was 100% cat until I got a dog 2 years ago. I’m mostly dog at this point. Don’t tell my cat. What have you achieved that you once thought was impossible? Hmm, I don’t know. I’m a lot better off than my parents were. I just kind of thought the constant worrying about the car breaking down or the bills being paid was grown up life, so its nice to get here and know that I worked hard to not have those problems. If an ex texted you out of the blue, how would you respond? I don’t think I would. I’ve been with Steven for a decade, so theres def nothing that needs to be said to anyone that far back. Do you have a favorite poet? I don’t. I really like some poems I’ve read randomly in my internet travels, but I’ve never really been able to sit down and read a book of poetry. What have you tried to quit, but weren’t able to? Eating too much food? Would you rather go on a shopping spree with $200 or put it in the bank? I’d rather go shopping. I might save it, though. What was the last rumor that you heard? No idea. I don’t really have rumors around me at this point in my life. My friends aren’t like that and I’m not working anywhere at the moment. What country star would you most like to meet and why? I don’t really know who any of them are. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. One of them happened when I was like 15 and it pinched a nerve in my neck and half of my left hand went numb. My mom didn’t believe me for a really long time that there was something wrong until she watched me try to pick up a glass of milk with my left hand and it just fell to the floor. Are you an organ donor? Yes! What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done? Unsure. I’m fairly adventurous, but I don’t do super dangerous things. I guess just trespassing in old abandoned buildings when I was younger could have been dangerous. What is the meaning of life? Moments of joy. For you and others. What word do you like the sound of? Nothing in particular jumps out to me. Isn’t Cellar Door supposed to be lovely? What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Hmmm. I don’t know. Its more about the brand I think. I usually get Jeni’s or the other fancy ice cream brand when I get the chance.

I always get the cake flavored froyo, though. Do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? Cupcakes. Are you an athlete? Ha ha, no. What did the last text message on your phone say? From my brother in law. He’s doing the work on the house we just bought, getting it ready for a renter. He wants more money, lol. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen in your whole entire lifetime? Man, I don’t know. I think maybe Grandma’s Boy was the funniest I had seen at the time. I usually don’t even like movies like that. What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had? I had this dream when I was a kid that I left the scissors out and they flew up and cut my moms fingers off and the whole dream was dark and black and white because it was night, but at the end, she picked up the phone (landline, because cell phones weren’t a thing then) and the only color was the green light coming from the phone that illuminated the numbers and she was trying to dial 911 with her fingers that weren’t there.

I probably had that dream close to 30 years ago now and it’s still clear in my mind.

What do you know how to cook? Lots of things. I’m especially good at carbonara or alfredo. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had, and what was it from? I fell down the stairs and broke several bones, severely sprained both ankles and ended up getting surgery to fix the cartilage in one ankle. What’s your favorite amusement park ride? Any that my fat ass can fit on. What do you wish you were doing right now? Well i’m doing this instead of things I should be doing. Who are your musical influences? I don’t play music, so I’m not really influenced? What was your favorite band or musician when you were 12? The Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and the Back Street Boys, ha ha. What’s the best pick-up line that’s ever been tried on you? I don’t think anyone has ever given me one. How many drinks can you handle? I don’t really know at this point. Getting older changes things. I know that if I have one drink and then stop, I get a headache, lol. What was the longest phone conversation you’ve ever had? Hours and hours. Like 7 or 8 probably? Back in my day you could only talk to boys on the phone because we didn’t have cell phones or text messaging and you only had dial up internet. What’s your favorite candle scent? I got one from Anthropologie called Riviera that was my favorite candle scent ever. I bought two, but they are sold out now and I am very sad.

#soldier on #trash bags #flying bats #survey #dead roses

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kpopscenariosblog · 6 years

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A Past In The Nile: Part 2

Jungkook x Reader

Ancient Egypt au, mystery au, Fantasy au

Word count: 2,256

Summary: Fresh out of high school you go on a trip to Egypt with your friend just to witness an ancient corpse be brought back to life.

1 | 2 | 3 |

You were on your way into the city, earlier you declared that you wanted to go home as soon as possible and refused to stay in the hot sandy place after what had just happened. Your entire being was shocked from the realization that all of the crazy things going on were a reality and not just something pulled out of a mythology book or some old folk lore story waiting to be told. It was all real.

Jimin tried his best to convince you to stay adding a “No matter where you go, he will always find you.” But you weren’t having any of it. And of course someone had to pry Jungkook away from you, well maybe more than just one person, but in the end the mission was a success.

Jin placed down your luggages in the hotel room, with a grunt

“Okay, so your all set and your flight leaves tomorrow at 12:00.”

“Thanks Jin. I really appreciate it.”

“It was no problem, have a safe trip.”

You bid Jin goodbye, making sure that the door was closed completely. You were extremely thankful to him for taking the time to get you all settled and ready to fly home instead of you having to do it all by yourself. You turned around and instantly jumped out of your skin at the intruder standing in front of the window facing you with a curious expression adorning his features. How the hell did Jungkook get into your room? You just booked the room and it took you hours to get into the city from the camping site so how did he get here so fast?

Jungkook began to take small steps towards you as your feet stayed rooted to floor. Your mind blanked and you didn’t know what to do as the boy came closer and closer.

“(y/n), my love, Why have you been trying so hard to stay astray from me?”

He spoke softly and you could feel his warm breath on your skin causing your body to break out into goose bumps. You flicked your head up to look into his eyes, registering his question, but still trying to piece together how he got here in the first place. You opened your mouth and closed it not a second later, there was no way that you could answer his question. It was meant for the you in the pass from a few thousand years ago and this was a whole new different you framed from things of the present.

“Have I done something wrong?” He asked, his eyes trained on you, you shook your head

“You frighten me.....I-I mean you were just dead and now your here alive and breathing.” you took in a deep breathe “That is nowhere near normal.”

“Do you wish not to see me because of that. It is your culture, you’ve witnessed these things many times before, you grew up around these happenings.”

“NO I HAVE NOT JUNGKOOK......... maybe in a past life but in this life time I have not.” you met his eyes with a sorrowful look as he stared at you in confusion “I’m sorry Jungkook but I am not the Bektamun that you once knew.”

“But you were supposed to be mummified with me, we were to awake together. Something is not right, if you have been born again then that shall mean that.” Jungkook rambled on before pausing as sudden realization struck him, his breathing began to grow loud and uneven, his eyes holding strong emotion

“NO, NO, IT CAN’T BE.” wrapping you into his arms he let out an endless string of apologies, the panic rising in his voice. For some odd reason the emotion that he was portraying began to seep into you. Warm salty droplets of tears ran down your face, as you felt apologetic also, as if you had betrayed him and were terribly sorry. But for what? You returned his embrace softly sobbing into his chest and as time passed by the both of you calmed down. Jungkook pulled back staring deep into your eyes for a few minutes before he leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to your forehead, your eyes fluttering closed.

“Im sorry (y/n).”

You opened your eyes and when you did he was gone. Great not only have you witnesses a bad man come back to life, who you apparently have a history with, but the dead man has some type of teleportation powers. You climbed up onto your bed, laying down to where you faced the ceiling, stuck in deep thought.

A lanky boy with longer legs than yours at the time, who could be no older than twelve was chasing after you and you giggled as you ran away from him, trying your best not to get caught. Eventually you lost sight of the boy and decided to hide behind on of the big wooden crates filled with fruit, silently you let soft chuckles slip past your lips as you waited for the boy to walk past your hiding spot “There you are” you heard from behind you and turned to be met with the same boy that was chasing after you. Letting out a loud squeal, you hop up and begin to dart away from the boy. Not even a minute passed before almost large arms wrap around your waist, causing you to howl out in laughter

“Gotcha (y/n).” was what the boy called out as you went limp in his arms

“Ahh Taehyung, you caught me.” Taehyung beamed “Now, for my reward?”

“Oh, right” you leaned down and gave the boy a peck on the cheek, which caused the him to flush red and smile uncontrollably

“ (Y/N)!!!!!!! TAEHYUNG!!!!.” The both of you looked up in the direction in which the voice came from. A girl who appeared to be in her teens ran up to the both of you “(y/n), your parents have requested to see the both of you now.”

You turn to Taehyung and give a smirk before sprinting off towards your parents “LAST ONE THERE HAS TO GIVE THE WINNER A PIGGY BACK RIDE.”

“HEY, NO FAIR.”

You sat at an isolated table located in the far back of the library, books revolving around ancient Egypt and its traditions splayed out all over the table. You were trying your best to piece together what was going on in your life at this point in time but every time you did, you would wind up even more confused than you were before. It had been a week since you last seen your ‘mummy lover’ but instead of the relief that you initially thought you would feel you for some odd reason felt disappointed, you were thirsty for knowledge and you felt as if something extreme was missing.

You huffed in irritation no matter how many times you dived in to the endless sea of books in search for information you would always come to shore lacking the material that you were searching for. You knew that you wouldn’t find anything in the books or the internet for that matter, which is what led you to where you were right now, standing in front of Park Jimin’s door. Since the incident in Egypt you tried your best to to avoid the soft eyed guy but in the end you knew that you would run back to confide in the man, He was always there treating and caring for you as if you were his younger sister. On the first knock the door swung open and you immediately jumped into jimin’s arms, The blonde haired boy holds you into a hold, giving a small chuckle.

“Ahh (y/n), how have you been?”

“Jimin I wanna know whats going on, i’m so confused and it’s killing me.”

Jimin hands you a glass of water as you sit down on the couch to face him on the couch across from you. His home was very cozy the ice grey walls trimmed in mocha giving the place a warm feeling while also being very aesthetic. This matched hime perfectly.

“Well I don’t know what exactly happened with you and Jungkook but from what I do know is that you were supposed the mummified with him and the both of you were to awake together other than that the rest is to your memories, Have they started yet?”

“They started in Egypt. But how is this whole situation even possible?”

“Look (y/n), I know this is a lot to take in.” Jimin started, shifted his position from leaning back on the couch to lean forward and continued “We are what most people would call mythical, we’re human but not quite.”

your mouth gaped “You too?” He nodded “I promise once all of the memories come everything will start making sense, just give it time-”

“(y/n)?” Jungkook calls out walking towards both you and jimin to join you in the cozy living room. You inwardly start to panic, butterflies going crazy in your stomach as your chest tightens, you purse your lips and try to calm yourself down. You were not ready to face him yet. Your breathe starts to come out ragged and when did the room get so hot? The room starts to spin, the next emotion you feel is fear, it’s shortly lived but its still there and next theres anger, anger at yourself for reacting like this. You could faintly hear some are you okays and callings of your name being thrown around but you were to immersed in your whirlwind of emotions to notice.

An ear piercing scream shoots throughout the room, bouncing off of the walls and reverberating around the room. White clouds your vision before your vision refocuses and as soon as you come back to your senses you see that everything in the room is floating above the ground your crouched on the floor while Jimin and Jungkook stand there in shock, shooting each other a look. The objects that levitate above the ground in which they belong rotate in slow circles with no intention of coming down to their respective spots anytime soon. The pair that are currently recovering from their initial shock then proceed to focus their attention back onto you

“(y/n), I’m gonna need you to calm down.” Jimin’s soft voice spoke “What is going on? What’s wrong with me.” You question, your voice cracking as each word slips past your lips. A crack of thunder sounds with a dramatic ‘BOOM’ and rain begins to pour heavily with a few flashes of lightening flashing from here and there.

“Nothings wrong with you (y/n) every things okay.”

You feel large arms wrap around you and it doesn’t take much for you to immediately know that its Jungkook. You break and sobs escape your mouth, salty tears roll down your cheeks and you confide in him, let yourself be held by the dead but alive boy. For some odd reason his touch is soothing you, letting you know that he is there for you. He’s warm, he’s breathing, he has emotions, you can feel him, he’s real, and he’s definitely alive. Although you don’t know why you got so worked up just from seeing him, his presence seems to calm you down in no time and soon all of the objects that were once floating in the air and defying the laws of gravity tumble down, landing on the flat wooden surface with loud thumps and clattering. Which leaves the once cozy living room in a mess with an array of things strewn across the floor. The storm outside carries on.

You don’t know how long you’ve been sitting there in that same position with Jungkook, but when you look up you see a less than impressed Jimin locking eyes with Jungkook before he shouts out “JUNGKOOK NOOO!!!!” But it’s too late. Now your in in a room lit by a few candles hanging up on the copper brown walls. “Jungkook, Where are we?” You stand up hastily observing your surroundings

“Were at home.” You turned to face him a look of disbelief etched onto your features “I’m not quite finished with the adjustments yet, but i’ll have it done in no time and we can live here together comfortably.”

“Jungkook, This is really sweet of you but I cant stay here.”

“Why not?” he frowned “Do you dislike my presence to that extent? you used to love me so much” he looked down to face the ground, sadness laced in his voice as he whispered out the last part

“Jungkook I-”

“Have you even gotten all of your memories back yet?”

“No, I have not, but I-” you tried to speak but he kept cutting you off “You need to stay here, your just now regaining your powers and you don’t know how to control them.”

“No, Jungkook I don’t need to stay here and I honestly do not wish to do so.”

“(y/n), why are you so adamant on avoiding me?I just want to love you. Why wont you let me love you?”

“Cause thats not how things work Jungkook. I’M NOT YOURS, I don’t even know you.”

You know your words hurt him, you could feel it seeping into the atmosphere. He wore it clear on his face until that hurt turned into an entirely different emotion: Irritation. “Fine” He huffed out, grabbing your arm and then you were back in Jimin’s wrecked living room with no sign of Jungkook anywhere. The storm outside was still going on strong, The hard pats of water hitting the glass of the window and the, loud thumps of thunder roaring aloud just like your emotions

~admin

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hatefilledpoptarts · 7 years

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When heroes are human & what comes with growth

Trying to get some of my feelings down on this chapter so I want to take a moment to look a little deeper in the imagery used for this panel in particular.

Its really such a chilling panel in its use of shadows and white space, wherein Toshinori is leaving Izuku as the shadows he leaves behind gradually creep up on him, not quite touching him yet but slowly drawing in on him.

These shadows he creates have taken someone else though.

Clear parallels are being made throughout this arc about Nighteye and Izuku, most prominently felt when Toshinori uses the word fan:

admiring the same qualities about All Might

wrapped up in his ideals, wanting to be like him

breaking the barrier of admirer, aspiring to be worthy of his respect & confidence

having deep affection & concern for his well-being

and are shocked with the reality of who he is

Not in the way you find out someone you admire is just terrible but just that the person who you admire is flawed in a real way.

This is what I took most from this: All Might, the great and shining hero who left everyone in awe, is very much a flawed human who has hurt those closest to him with his choices and he understands he has but he can’t turn back because that would mean doing something worse, leaving people in fear and what his master gave him was put in the wrong hands.

All Might can’t let go because that’d mean he was wrong, the decision to make sure everyone feels safe and they have this security was not deserved. He can’t back off and let these ideals lose their meaning because that’d mean Toshinori the quirkless kid, who was given a chance by his hero, was a poor choice.

He lives for the all while ignoring the one: himself and those who are close and care for him in a personal way. its the flip side of what is good and righteous, so selfless and in keeping with their ideals they won’t take a step back for themselves. Thats what Izuku is touching on right now, the ideals that seemed so dazzling he missed what it implicates.

Toshinori has pushed through personal pain and concern for his wellbeing for responsibilities and duties he feels for a whole. He has to keep the peace, he has to provide society with security, its whats held him together for so many years but he’s just a frail man and its scary and sad for Izuku to see this and not fully understand. He thought he knew All Might by now, he thought no matter what All Might had everything together.

He even thought he knew All Might’s weaknesses except it runs deeper than physical problems.

Toshinori disregards what he has accomplished and done for thoughts of what he can still do, what it is he has to keep doing. These are the shadows he casts over Nighteye, choosing societies security over his own.

Its the truth you come to realize about people, they aren’t perfect, they make mistakes and sometimes what they do will not always agree with you in the end. Its what you get when you get older, the person in your life you accepted would always be right has cracks and those cracks can be scary because it means uncertainty and it means theres not going to be a clean cut answer to all problems, the grey areas start to show.

All Might wanted to continue being there for the public, putting up a facade, while Sir just wanted him to lead a fulfilling life without understanding Toshinori had given all that up for his career. He could no longer be an average man because everything he’s put himself through has been for the purpose of being that all encompassing hero.

Toshinori knew this was coming. This was the time Izuku was growing past his more childish attitude and was asserting himself, acting every bit the developing teen he is. He’s coming into his own and that means facing something difficult he may not take well. (Sidenote: Toshinori has never given Izuku his real name before, getting that information from Gran Torino, always referring to himself as All Might as though maintaining that image for both their benefits)

Toshinori asks Izuku himself if he’s ready, giving him the chance to go back and be the kid who doesn’t need to know about his demons, he wants to keep him as innocent for as long as he can. This is something he’s put someone in a similar situation through and he regrets it, he doesn’t want to put that pain, disappointment and the weight of who he is on another kid who looks up to him. He didn’t want to let someone else down with who Toshinori is, trying to spare him the shadows he never meant to cast over Nighteye.

But he can’t keep Izuku where he can manage his growth himself, Izuku is impatient and young. The stakes keep going up and more people surrounding him are getting caught in it. He wants results and he wants to be able to accomplish things instead of having more failures, leaving more people in pain thanks to his inexperience.

Izuku has grown so much from the shy, hesitant person he was before who’d give into discouragement and be content with what he has. Izuku is no longer that kid who used to burst with admiration, he’s growing up and part of that is removing the lens you wear when you look at adults/parental figures you admire. Whatever made them perfect in your eyes isn’t the same anymore, seeing them for who they are and knowing there’s something about them that doesn’t fit with what you thought before.

You have to take the good and the bad with the progress made.

Izuku, for his part, is growing past relying on All Might’s words to carry him, he’s growing into his own and building the confidence and drive to make shit happen. That means holding his own when he’s told he’s not good enough when he would have felt uncertain before.

And not shying away from conflict when there’s something insidious going on. All Might not telling him this information himself put Izuku’s absolute faith into doubt, he’s learning All Might may not have everything together.

Izuku’s made strides but it means opening up for something less certain. He isn’t disheartened anymore but that doesn’t mean he’ll be told what he does is right, its the first step to learning just how harsh this work really is and his naive beliefs could lead to a worse outcome.

Reality is harsh and his dream is very open to harsher consequence. He has to overcome his naiveté, to adapt and think on his own, what is right and wrong for him and what has to be done. He’s learned he has to come into his own without relying on the image of All Might. But now he has to wonder: ‘whats under that image?’ Its scary to think All Might doesn’t know what he’s doing, your hero might not have a complete handle on life and what he does to himself is self-destructive.

Sir is still stuck on this himself. The shadows that have engulfed Sir Nighteye, the pain Toshinori puts himself through with his lack of self-preservation, are slowly touching on izuku. He starting to know thats who All Might really is, Toshinori the person who has put his image and ideals above himself.

Toshinori says he’s sorry but its not just for the heavy information he’s shared or choosing Midoriya based on chance, its for everything he really is and everything he couldn’t live as. He’s sorry for not ‘truly’ being the man Izuku had looked up to. Toshinori is sorry for the weaknesses he possess and the people who've had to carry the burdens he’s put on them. For being the man who, even after losing half his organs, still pushes himself despite knowing he’ll never last and could die in a horrible way in a foreseeable future. He still knows he could die sadly but pushes through that, not wanting to face himself.

He’s sorry for putting Nighteye through his selfishness and letting Izuku know of it; he’s sorry for not ‘successfully’ embodying the ideals he set out for himself.

Its desolate and nerve-racking and it tears away at him, even if he understands whats best. He’ll never be content and rest on his laurels even after being the first OfA successor to land a considerable blow to AfO. He’ll still keep fighting a never ending battle and may never get the peace he deserves, all because he’ll be anxious if he’s not the one to carry it. Never quite accepting his limits.

He can’t turn back, he has to keep going for himself, its his egotism. Its all he can do is to say he’s sorry and keep going forward because he knows what he’s doing will never reach an end. Thats been his flaw, he can’t stop himself from living this life because its the only one he’s accustomed to.

Everything he’s done was in service to be relied on, it makes him feel lost when he’s the one protected. He has to throw himself into the next labor just to have a goal to shoot for in the greater good (getting Shigaraki out of being a villain). If not, it means facing all he’s denied himself to be that symbol.

All Might may have accomplished more than any hero has before and done everything he could for the world but Toshinori will never be content.

It’s important to have these characters highlighted during this flashback. They’ve gone through what All Might has, they’ve witnessed what he has been through and they’ve had to shoulder through the sometimes troubling choices he’s pushed on himself.

During the sports fest, All Might couldn’t reprimand Izuku because Izuku was berating his own inadequacy for the situation, he sees far too much of himself in Izuku. Izuku had to learn he couldn’t keep breaking his own body to make sure help was given, he had to learn this himself through failure and troubling those around him, knowing he’s not the only one being affected by his reckless actions.

Chiyo had done her best to nip that behaviour in the bud before it got to All Might levels of troubling, she doesn’t want to continue down the same path they’ve gone down before.

All Might may have been the symbol of peace in society but he’s still Toshinori the man who is frail and can only do so much before he’s worn himself thin but he keeps going regardless of protests. And they are the ones who’ve decided to watch over him since they can’t control what he does, guide and advice but still lack what can set him at ease, giving him the peace he needs.

They were there then and they’ll continue being there for him the best they can.

And thats the drawback of losing your mentor, they’ll always be the perfect hero in your eyes while never learning their shortcomings.

Toshinori will always aspire and never meet his ideals because he’ll believe Nana could have, she’s peerless in his eyes. He’ll never quite meet her faults in the same way Izuku and Sir have and perhaps he’ll never realize this about himself.

In the end, Izuku is left unsettled by all of this coming from his hero.

The shadows All Might leaves behind have enveloped Sir Nighteye and are slowly finding their way to Izuku.

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rdesai · 7 years

Text

When a Cancer Thinks Logically..

Sometimes it takes years to pick up the pieces after a shitty break-up. I believe that people who are "over things" so quickly either never really cared, or haven't fully healed.

After interviewing at several medical schools, and then starting 2 years ago, every. single. professor. made one thing very clear: "Leave the emotional baggage behind.." and "If it's not a thought or relationship that makes you perform at your best every single day, it's not something you can afford to waste time on in medical school." I didn't truly understand this until I was thrown into this crazy med student lifestyle. Most of the time I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with my heart break when there are other things going on - like learning about every detail of the body; then understanding all of the things that could go wrong with it; why they go wrong, how they can progress; and how to fix these problems so that I don't kill my future patients or let them die on my watch because I made a mistake.

I saw a lot of classmates falling behind and in really bad places because they didn’t let go of “their baggage”, or couldn’t do the long distance thing anymore. I didn’t want to be that person. I don’t think I am that person. There’s just too much on the line when you’re in medical school: your entire career. My parents have invested a ridiculous amount of time, effort and money. I’VE invested everything... and to ruin it now? All because I couldn’t get over a guy I fell in love with in college?

However sometimes, when I feel a little less human (because that’s what happens to many people when they become involved in medicine)... I let my mind go, and give in to my heart. I start thinking, making life realizations, self-reflecting, walking down memory lane, going through phases like "Oh-My-God-I'm-Totally-At-My-Best-Nothing-Can-Ever-Bring-Me-Down!" to "Screw-Boys-Who-Needs-Them" to "I'm-So-Devastated-And-Will-Never-Come-Out-Of-This" to my "I'm-Just-Going-To-Marry-Myself-One-day-Because-Some-Lady-Did-It-Theres-An-Article-On-Buzzfeed-About-It-So-Yeah" phase. For a long time, I’d say maybe even a few years - I felt empty inside. I had no closure, and was just ignored. I reached out to him many times, sometimes when I just needed my best friend back - but I got nothing, or really generic replies like I was conversing with an acquaintance (which is way worse than nothing - it’s a slap in the face). When I spent time with the people I loved the most [at home, in my safe zone, my comfort zone] I still wasn’t truly happy. I felt this huge void. I felt like I wasn’t worth his time or anyone else’s. Sounds dramatic, but I honestly felt worthless. People told me a million times “how incredible” I am, and how “he’s just not a good person”, and “I deserve someone who’s perfect”.. blah blah blah *so many eye rolls*. None of that actually meant anything to me because I didn’t hear it from him.

As I self-reflect today, 6 days after the birthday of this guy I dated all throughout college, I finally realized that I don’t care to hear any of those things from him... and I don’t even know how or when that happened. This year is the first time I didn't do anything for his birthday or call him since 2011. If anyone knows me - Birthdays mean a lot to me. The thing that means the most: a phone call at midnight from the people I’m closest to. And THAT. is it. I really don’t care about anything else. There’s something about someone making the effort to set an alarm to wake up at midnight to call me, or staying up until it’s time just once a year for me - it means the entire world. I can’t truly explain why, but it just does.

Old me to me after we broke up: Don’t be mean. Call him and wish him a happy birthday, remind him how special he is.

Also me to me: If you say happy birthday, he'll be thinking of you all day and remember how incredible and thoughtful you are, and how much you care about him. He's gonna be like, "Wow, Riddhi. Thanks. I love you. Let's get married."

Don't roll your eyes, or LOL at me. I told you in the first post that I'm a little BSC (bat shit crazy)..... Or did I?

I'm always reminded of him - every single day, whether I make it a point to pay attention to the reminder or not. Sometimes it could be a cool study song I think he'd like, a really interesting case I went over in school, or just making a connection in my medical knowledge that I hadn't before and know he'd appreciate. When ridiculous things happened at school, I wanted to tell him first. If someone pissed me off, I wanted to vent to him so he can be like “Riddhi, you’re overreacting.” and then sympathize with me after I get mad at him for saying that. I used to have to train myself - If I spent more than a minute on a thought about him, I'd say to myself "Riddhi. Why are you wasting your time thinking about a guy who doesn’t care about you when you are so close to pursuing your dream? Are you dumb? No? Ok so stop." Over time and lots of little reality checks, I didn't have to yell at myself anymore. I just blocked it out; because I'm in medicine and that's what we do. We block out emotions. It’s what I gotta do, or else I wouldn't pay attention to my work and I wouldn't know that Rifampin causes your pee and tears to become red/orange. #ItsNotHematuria #ItsJustRifampin

I passionately dislike being reminded of a guy I loved, who dumped me.. every single day, even when I don't actively try to think about him. Med school made me realize something simple: Be an adult. Think logically. (It's unfortunate that I needed to put myself in a lot of debt to figure that out. I should've just read a magazine or something)

So the “be an adult” part - that is tough, solely because I dislike adulting. Adults are boring. They live by all these rules, and have monotonous schedules to follow from the minute they wake up until they go to sleep. They meal prep. They have a bedtime....... I literally just described myself, so I have to face the reality now.

Think Logically? Blasphemy. I'm a cancer. We feel things. We don't think things. Then again, Med school taught me - the more I feel, the more shitty position I'll be in later on because I'll make mistakes, get too invested, not think as objectively as I need to, etc etc basically a cascade of unstoppable events like after insulin binds to a tyrosine kinase receptor --> autophosphorylation --> more phosphorylation --> and more --> so that's just a downward spiral right there if you have an insulinoma...

“Logic, Riddhi.. logic. If I don't want to be reminded of him, maybe I should stop reminding him of me too. If I don't reach out, I'll break this HBD chain that's been going on with this dude for the past few years (since the only time he reaches out to me is at midnight every year to say happy birthday since we broke up - I think because he pities me or feels like he owes me something). If I break this chain, he won't reach out to me either...”

LOGIC. IS THIS LOGIC? AM I BEING LOGICAL? I don't even know because I am so out of my element.

So it probably is logic..

I'm surprised at myself that I didn't reach out this year.

2 years ago, I said to myself, "I'm not going to call him this year." but at 11:58 PM, 2 minutes away from his birthday being over, I had an out of body experience and dialed his number (I still don't know how it happened. I think I blacked out). When I heard his voice, I think I went into SVT (supraventricular tachycardia), and after I found the courage to utter "happy birthday", we talked for a while and of course he said, "Riddhi, I miss you.." (I died of happiness inside and also due to the untreated heart arrhythmia, but tried to be a cool cat about it instead of professing my love).

Last year? Same thing. Except he didn't pick up... or call me back. So I just texted him.

This year, I told myself I wouldn't call him. I didn't cave. For the first time. I think I finally grew up.

I remember a lot of details about our relationship, which maybe I've even romanticized a bit since it's been so long that things ended. But looking back I can't remember how many times I've ugly scream-cried alone in my room or in the corner of a coffee shop; or how many hours I've spent staring at a wall, like there's an actual screen playing flashbacks of moments we spent together, good and bad (of course with the most depressing pop or r&b song playing in the background).

I can't even remember the things we used to fight about. I remember most of the good things like:

- how he'd come knock at my door in my freshman dorm to say good night before he went to sleep every night

- how he'd drive me to school at 3 AM to pick up tampons because I JUST got my period and ran out when we lived together off campus

- how he used to love that my hand would naturally move towards his neck to give him a little head scratch while he was driving us somewhere

- how we used to share so many intimate details of our lives, and feel a little closer every time

- how he used to listen to me vent about the same, stupid college girl drama over and over (and would get tired of it and yell at me, but would listen again the next day anyway)

- how he taught me not to care about what others think of me (I wouldn't say that I truly don't care of what others think of me, but I care much less than I did in college)

- how he knew me to my core and still stuck with me (....until he couldn't, I guess)

These are only some of the things, of a long relationship of ups and downs, that was by no means perfect or even really stable. I definitely overreacted from time to time; he didn’t really communicate too well. But most importantly, I can really only think of the positive things now. I no longer find myself thinking of all the things we did wrong, or all the things that made me want to hate him so badly after the way things ended. I no longer find myself recalling all the things he said and did that broke my heart. I no longer find myself asking, "What if I did this.." or "If only I said that...". I'm not even indifferent to the situation.

As much as I'm reminded of him, things about our relationship become fuzzier every day. Now a lot of it is just a faint memory.

So check this: "I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade..."

I used to read this quote over and over, as I drank straight from a bottle of Malbec (No to Chardonnay, always No to Chardonnay) and recited Kate Winslet's lines from my favorite chick flick, "The Holiday”. Fun fact: I have that entire monologue and many more memorized.. After reciting it today, I realized I went through all the phases she went through. I did the whole "Why me?", "How could someone do this to me?”; I did the haircuts, the ridiculous number of glasses of wine and weekly to monthly interventions with my sorority sisters and closest girl friends. I did the whole falling asleep every night hoping to wake up to a text from him, or even showing up at my door saying “I’m so sorry. I made a mistake.” I even went on an “Eat Pray Love”-esque trip to Europe with my best friend.... Over time (years) I slowly stopped asking myself "What if". I stopped asking myself, "Why me?" I stopped praying that he’d tell me “how incredible” I am and how much I’ll always mean to him. Most importantly, I finally lost hope, and I think I just let him go.

What did I learn from all of this?

To give myself time. I know what you’re thinking - that’s the last thing I wanted to hear - and you probably won’t listen to me; and that is completely okay. Why? Because I did the same thing. I hated when people told me I “just need time”. What kind of advice is that. Okay Confucius. Thanks, what a simple yet cryptic statement. Is that time in seconds, days, light years? What does that even mean? I didn’t realize I needed time.... until I had time. A lot of it.

What did I learn from all the time I had?

Let myself embrace every single phase of emotions. I stopped trying to suppress them. I’d just ride out the phase.

I wanted to try to be angry and hate him. Fine. I tried until I realized I couldn't be mad anymore. I wanted to play the victim. That was ok, until I got tired of feeling like one. I tried to overcompensate for how low I felt by pretending my life was absolutely perfect. That was cool too - until I was exhausted from covering up my reality. We don’t listen to our friends and family because we have to experience it all ourselves. It’s a part of the damn process.

I truly believe that experiencing each phase (some may have more or less than I did) and fully embracing every emotion is what brought me to this point today.

By "this point" I mean:

1) I have come to terms with the entire situation.

2) I truly appreciate all the feelings I’ve felt and expressed.

3) I think three times before I let any guy into my life.

4) I no longer want anything from him - not his time, or an apology.

5) I'm more appreciative of the people in my life who love me and would walk to Earth's ends to protect me and my happiness

6) I'm stronger.

If you asked me a year ago if I could ever love someone so much again, I'd probably say "No. I will never put myself in that type of situation again". But now I disagree with year-ago me.

If I could do it all over again... like start from the beginning, “Hi. I’m Riddhi, it’s really nice to meet you” kinda thing... I would - regardless of the chance of heart break. I’d tread carefully, but if he’s worth it - yeah I would start all over. I've grown up in so many ways, have become insanely independent throughout med school, truly cognizant of my actions, how they impact others, and how I deserve to be treated in return. If I've learned something, it's that the only way to truly live life is by loving others. So I say: Love SO damn hard -- because when it was reciprocated by the one I loved, I think it was the closest thing to feeling magic.

Maybe that’s why I held on for so long? Maybe that’s why a lot of us hold on - because magic so rare; Sometimes you don’t even notice it, and when it’s there it’s impossible to describe but your heart just feels so full. I didn’t have hope a year ago, but now I do. I have hope that I’ll experience magic again one day.

I realized I came to all these conclusions because I thought about it logically (minus the magic part - but I believe in Harry Potter, so magic is definitely real). Although this post is entirely about emotions, I logically dissected why I felt certain ways, how I overcame each phase.. and everything finally makes sense. I slowly started coming to these conclusions months and months ago, but with how crazy my life has been as a medical student, I haven’t had time to think about my personal life or process anything going on that’s outside of school or my immediate family/friends. Sometimes we have to take a step back, even years after the inciting event, to pick up the pieces and understand why we went through what we did in order to move forward. Maybe this is the closure I needed all along.

Tonight I hope to sleep so well and wake up as a new woman. A new woman who has finally and fully healed after all these phases, all these emotions, all these years. The crazy thing is, I’ll wake up in 4 hours to go see patients in the nursing home, and in my mind it’ll be like I never had any of these thoughts. I won’t be thinking about my past. I won’t be thinking about MY feelings. VINDICATE will be running through my mind; I’ll be coming up with differential diagnoses, conversing with my patients and letting them know I’m fully present just for them - because that’s what we do in medicine. We think logically; and we block out emotions that may compromise our judgment. I couldn’t always do that before, and the fact that I can now is something I love about myself.

Happy 25th Birthday, Previous Boyfriend. Quarter century.. can’t believe you’re SO old! I hope you had a great day and got to share it with the people you love.

^That doesn't count as a real wish, I didn't actually say it TO him. It's just a sentimental thing.

Trust me. I truly am over it.

Sweet dreams.

#MattersOfTheMindAndHeart

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