#whether or not to take my meds

[bo0zey]

i’m so tired of pretending i’m not tired lol

#i keep my meds in a cute lil mini locker i got from amazon it’s so cuteeee n fits em all perfectly!! #i stared at the unlocked locker 1 ft away from me while laying in bed debating #whether or not to take my meds #i’ve been so bad abt taking them not to mention my mood stabilizer got upped a few weeks ago and i’ve been so bad abt taking the added dose #it’s another 50mg at night on top of the 200 i take in the day but i always forget to take the night ones idk #and now i’m feeling so blah #i keep accidentally blabbering about wanting to d word lol i need to stop it #im just so tired of existing i don’t knowwww lol haha #i finally forced myself to take my meds #im proud of myself a little i guess bc i rlly wasn’t gonna cuz i just wanted to go to bed #but i figured i should T least take them anyways then try n sleep if i want #i dream about being babied n taken care of i kept imagining my OCs #where the one just knows B isn’t doing too hot n comes over to their house n takes care of them makes sure they’re taking their meds #i just wanted someone to take out the meds n have me take them from their hand n some water #im such a child brat bad #i don’t care about myself at all but i sometimes wish someone else did #just enough just a little bit enough to to pretend n bring me my meds idk? #if it were up to me i’d not take them bc i’m tired n it’s a waste but #i don’t know what km saying i’m so sleep deprived #]^ club can’t come sooner lol #ramblings

[yuri-is-online]

... ok but you guys do realize that Disney owns Star Wars so they could have a cross over with twst yeah.

#twisted wonderland #look #i don't want that #but on the other hand i like the idea of it just #existing #in twisted wonderland #and ace deuce and grim are all fighting over who is who and ace is like #obviously arguing he would be han solo and then they all take a quiz #and he gets c3-po and quits #deuce is r2 #and idk about grim but lilia is obviously yoda and he has a debate with malleus about whether or not he's still cute #i need to take my meds

[klarionthewizard]

I respect pharmacy workers and I acknowledge they are underpaid and overworked.

However, I should not have to find out that my adhd meds are on back order because I called to find out when I can pick them up. Pharmacies should tell the prescriber and the patient if they can't fill the god damn order so that there is time to look for alternative options.

And to the guy who told me to "have your doctor order something that's in stock" when your fucking coworker told me yesterday that the meds would be available for pick up today: that's really fucking helpful, thanks! I wonder why I didn't think of it? oh wait

#what does he want me to do? #use a lower dose? #there's a reason I'm taking the one I am now buddy #start a new medication while on withdrawal from the old one? #honestly worst side effect is the anxiety that is wondering whether my meds will be in stock this time #adhd #adhd problems #adhd medication

[craycraybluejay]

Randomly got a super vivid vision of someone I know being turned into a chicken and someone I love who cares deeply for that person not knowing and cooking the now chicken and then bringing it to me to eat. And me somehow knowing what happened. And the fucking AGONY. I was in public when it happened and I wanted to scream-- strangers looking on in horror and confusion be damned. I didn't, but it was a damn close call. It was horrific. Something truly strange. It wasn't just the scene itself. There was some unattainable metaphor about it. And the sensation of losing control-- slipping into psychosis and anxious meltdown just *snap* like that. I wondered how long it had really been since I had smoked-- and so went out away from people for one since I didn't want to exhale in anyone's face. The moment I took a half-hearted hit, the buzz hit me like a freight train. As if I've never smoked before. It wasn't enough, so I took a few more, and the relaxation/anxiety relief/diminishing of psychotic symptoms was near immediate. I had taken so little today that I genuinely had to sit down and lay back so I wouldn't fall over, I was proper light headed. But God, I felt normal again. I felt like I could push that visual and all the obsessive and paranoid thoughts about it away with enough effort when before it seemed insurmountable, true doom.

Sometimes, I wonder if I really do have a psychotic disorder. But then I forget to medicate and whoop dee doo here we go again motherfucker. I wasn't even really stressed today. This whole week has been atypically great, actually. But stressed or not, stable or not, I know I need to keep a steady dose of nicotine (which, yes, works as an anti-psychotic, as well as anti-anxiety. Look it up. Or don't. Idc.) There is nothing more scary than suddenly losing control of something as mind altering as psychosis with no trigger, no prompting, especially around other people. Nothing HAPPENED. Everything was GOOD, I was having a GOOD TIME and smiling and laughing one second and the next I'm freaking out white-knuckling the table and begging whatever this is to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.

#schizo spectrum #nicotine #self medication #psychotic disorders #personal #vent #psychosis #hallucinations #pseudopsychosis #actually stpd #actually schizospec #and before someone asks the annoying 'but what about [insert psych med here]' #im poor- hate the psych industry- and every med ive been forced on has made me behave horribly and made diff symptoms worse depending #antidepressants made me more actively suicidal than I'd been for years prior. antipsychs gave me the strong urge to kick a puppy and broke #my emotional spectrum and empathy for like a solid month even after flushing them and refusing to take them #the only one that has helped w anything specifically anxiety or bad trips is benzos #but that doesnt help w psychosis and also rly hard to come by #and also also i have no delusions about the danger of benzo dependence and will only take one during an emergency #on average like once every 4 months if even that #for other psychotics who have accidentally skipped their medicine for some reason-- whether prescribed or otherwise-- #I'm sorry that happened and I hope you were/are okay. be safe

[lesbiansanemi]

I hate when I’ll be complaining about some stupid bullshit a coworker does to other coworkers and half the time their response is to lower their voice and go “well…. You know…. I’m pretty sure they’re… on the spectrum, you know?” And every time I have a split second when I have to consider saying “you know I’m autistic, right?” just to make them vaguely uncomfortable for a few minutes and actually think about what they’re implying but of course I do not do that because the gratification is not worth a large sect of shitty coworkers knowing that about me and then talking about me like that every time I do something vaguely annoying or dumb but man…. It does get tempting sometimes

#like idk!!! sometimes the coworkers in question DO display some common autistic traits #but that is NEVER what is being complained about (at least not by me) so WHY are we bringing it up like that el oh el #like when I say ‘yeah I don’t like this coworker because of the shitty fucking things she did to my friend’ #the response should not be ‘well I think she’s autistic isn’t that so funny she’s so obsessive about stuffed animals it’s annoying’ #shut up shut up SHUT UP AND DIE #I don’t CARE that they talk too loud I don’t CARE that they’re bad a social cues I don’t CARE that they do ‘weird things’ #and it’s so. HFDJSJKSKSKS AAAGGHHHHH #whether they’re autistic or not MAYBE that’s not what should be getting brought up during a conversation like that when it has NOTHING to do #with it #also maybe we shouldn’t be doing shit like whispering ‘on the spectrum’ like its some awful terrible thing #just thoughts idk #and the thing is too is that even if I told these ppl I was autistic #they would 100% be the types that are like ‘oh? but you don’t ACT autistic I don’t think you are’ #like actually I got very good at masking for these reasons thnx #also you think autism = Sheldon from the Big Bang theory and nothing else #but I already learned my lesson cuz I told a coworker that I wasn’t sure about exactly twice #one of them went ‘oh THATS why you’re so dumb and don’t realize when other ppl don’t like you and take advantage of you’ #and then the other one went on a mansplaining spiel about how me being autistic was why adhd meds didnt work on me?????? #so yeah. never doing that again. haha. hahahaha. hahahaha…… #this actually happened a few days ago but it’s been Bothering me so much #I hate my fucking job…. #kaz rambles

[random-lil-illing]

so uh. apologies for the unexplained break/short hiatus (again). school and procrastination have been keeping me busy.

take this keegan face reveal redraw as a gift :)

#my art #art #digital art #finished art #fanart #cod ghosts #cod #call of duty #call of duty ghosts #call of duty fanart #cod fanart #cod ghosts fanart #call of duty ghosts fanart #keegan russ #keegan p russ #keegan russ fanart #keegan p russ fanart #cod keegan #cod keegan fanart #carmen sandiego content is no more from now by the way. until next year (maybe) #for now its cod content (specifically cod ghosts. more specifically keegan) #listen i know his hair is probably not in regulation but i doubt that the ghosts give a single shit abt regulation #theyre too busy fending off the federation to give a shit whether a soldier's got long/dyed hair or piercings #also peep the eyebags. my man does not sleep or take care of himself. the others had to force him to eat/sleep/drink #atleast until riley came along and started bringing keegan plates of food/water bottles/sleeping meds/his other prescription meds #anyway enough headcanons #enjoy the burnt food #<3

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[theinfinitedivides]

today on our monthly episode of my uterus is trying to f*cking kill me: it nearly succeeded

#also filed under things i did not know i needed to know personally: apparently one can turn white as a sheet without 1. being dead #and 2. having very little melanin. telling you this bc between me nearly passing out twice on Friday bc of cramps my mother #saying if i had passed out they would have had to take me to the hospital and me throwing up several times only to find #out today that all the color had literally drained from my face before that in the span of two minutes (which i could not see bc yk. #i'm trying to stay awake here) i think we can safely say it is not a question as to whether i have endo any more it is simply how bad #did i mention i had taken the pain meds and it still managed to take me out like that. dysphoria didn't even have time to kick #in it was just f*ck you f*ck you f*ck you etc etc #should i do a poll and vote on whether i just need to pry this thing out of me as soon as possible. you think that's a good idea #anyway i'm still here!!!!!! this is also why i wasn't really active from like 5ish Friday all the way up to now bc aren't blood loss #and six thousand knives stabbing into your insides fun :))))))

[ghostzzy]

i’m officially declaring it a depressive episode

#ive been fighting it for weeks and blaming it on circumstances. and like. yeah the circumstances aren’t Helping #but. my brain is awful rn. i feel fucking insane and my self-loathing is unstoppable #and i am struggling to cope with Literally Anything no matter how small #and i am fragile like an eggshell and i’m passively suicidal and i feel so out of control. #and whether i need a med change or just to ride it out and manage it as best i can idk #but i need to manage it. and recognize it. and stop acting like it’s my Fault somehow. #it’s not my fault. and it’s not a lack of willpower or a personal failing. it’s my Diagnosed Brain Disorders. #and i have to work to take care of myself through it but i can't just will it away or brute force myself out of it. #izzy.txt

[ivy-saurs]

i think i feel sick because of my anxiety so that's fun lmao

#idk whether to stop trying to lower my sertraline dosage and just stay on 100mg to see if it'll settle my stomach #or keep lowering my dosage and ask to go on different meds #they won't let me take two SSRIs at once so there'd be like a 4 week period where i'd be on no meds #it also doesn't help that the GP always says idk it's totally up to you when i ask for advice #i've seen multiple GPs at my practice and they all say that

[callixton]

i do not often stop myself from posting embarrassing thoughts as is evidenced by my entire account but the thought forming in my head was so bad i had to stare blankly at a wall for 5 seconds and ask myself what i was doing. and not bad as in Bad just that you can’t be admitting that sort of thing dude

#i need to go back to watching david tennant’s bedtime stories to fall asleep like i did in 9th grade #it’s up to you to decide whether or not this is in any way related #i also desperately need to take my meds and fix up my bed and go to SLEEP!!! #and write. and hang out with *****. and not feel like my life is falling apart. ideally 👍 #ted talks

[eucalyptus-lesbian]

Guess who has two thumbs and just got re-diagnosed with ADD (new insurance lol) and is starting meds for the first time in my lifeeeeEe!

#im feeling good about it and good about my psychiatrist #she answered all my questions and was super clear about things i needed to know #its gonna take like 2 months for it to really kick in #i’ll post again on whether it feels like it does anything or we might need to try diff meds if this one doesnt pan out #2023

[mythvoiced]

-. evil evil thought demons are wondering if i'd like to move Patrick (from @ashbtten) back to this here shitshow and if i should change his live action fc to h.ug.h d.an.cy while i'm at it

#;ooc #;tbd #okay back to work #more work piled up and thiS here latest gig is!!! absolute BULLSHIT #as in the quality of the file is disastrous if /I/ get shit for it i'll burn something down #i got so pissed my mother told me to take some valerian lmao #threw some wine into that and i'm a lot more relaxed most Definitely #i've started queueing some things in the hopes i can add more by the time the posts start rolling out #but why do i put it for the 2nd of july and tumblr can't decide whether that's saturday or sunday buddy get a Grip #anyways lub u all if you're waiting for me on discord or in general ooc i am!!!!!!! currently neck deep in #work and spiralling~ #BE WELL STAY HYDRATED TAKE YOUR MEDS DON'T SKIP MEALS ENJOY YOURSELF WITH THINGS YOU ENJOY LOVE YOU

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

#delete later #god i wish i was neurotypical #found out my flatmate is going to be away for a few days after they left and bc id had no warning my anxiety spiked so hard #that i had such a wave of nausea i had to lie down #idk why that fucking happened. ridiculous. irs not like it really affects that much. just the thing of my home being changed in any way #without warning freaks me the fuck out. couldnt do any work til id laid under my weighted blanket at lunch #and like obvs this is an entirely me thing. i dont expect my flatmates to tell me every detail of what they're doing #not sure how to keep myself from freaking over it though. will think on it #but yeah. if i was neurotypical id be fine. i also want to play ky video games after work but im akways so exhausted that all i can do #is lie in bed under my weighted blanket. it is so frustrating. im so tired. not helped that pain is fucking me up in new ways #so im also upset aboit that. and that christmas is approaching abd that changes the routine completely #and is always overwhelming #but this year im staying home so i will be able to keep it quiet and low key and it'll be just me so i dont have to think about #masking in any way which is kind of nice as even the vibe of Christmas takes a lot oit of me #i enjoy the thought of it and always hate the day. same as my birthday. fun in theory. incredibly stressful actually #idk whether it's work stressing me oit long term but right now any change to what im expecting from my routine is making me #so so so frustrated and upset #i had to go get meds after work on tiesday and became so upset by it that i was awake until 1am and was super nauseous #not enjoying that as a primary symptom of anxiety rn. i find eating hard enough as it is #the hair washing routine has given ne sone stability this week which was very nice abd made me feel calm. abd mt physio routine #the energy it takes to do it is outweighed by the relief i get when ive done that part of my routine and then go to bed #work is hard. working full time is so hard. im coping but not well. defo think i need to try getting regular therapy sessions if only #to help me plan for what i need to do and work through coping strategies bc im really hitting a wall. i need to problem solve all #these things but im so exhausted that i can't. so they just keep piling up

[onlyblackcoffeez]

yeah so next time i'm at ois's i'll definitly see if he'd let me try another of his meds just to see whether it's a fluke or not lol

#like he doesn't take them daily as he's meant to so he always has a surplus #Usually he just uses them until they run out and then fills the perscription - its not something he does every month on the month yknow? #and yeah he has been v open to my trying it out since i told him about my suspicions #well.. after the first time i told him & it was a lil bit of a shitshow but that was bad reactions on both our parts & we're over it now lo #he even said that like yeah #given that a common tester is seeing how you react to the meds #whether you go 'zoom zoom get a million things done in 20 minutes' or 'hey i can do these tasks with less pushback now' #and yeah i'm certainly not zooming #like hell i'm still on the conclusion i've been writing for the past couple hours #but its just easier to get it done #idk i'm rambling sorry lmao #a n y w a y i took it like 2 hours ago and it's a normal-speed release as far aas i'm aware so i'll probs just work on this for a lil while #like what i'm currently working on was due wednesday gone at 3pm (so like 49 hours ago here) and apparantly you lose 10% every day late #but i've had this lecturer for two other modules previous years and she never docks marks for lateness and i did a great presentation #for the module so here's hoping <3 #well that was certainly a tangent lmao #me talking into the little hellsite (affectionate)

[nexus-nebulae]

oh yeah PSA btw idk how many ppl know this or if doctors ever mention this but I sure as shit wasn't told-

Do not take Adderall or other similar ADHD medications if you have psychotic disorders/schizophrenia/anything similar. Adderall and other stimulants can worsen symptoms like hallucinations, paranoia, etc. Pls be careful with how your medications interact with all of your conditions, even if you think they won't relate.

(Personally I use the Drugs.com app to check for interactions- you can log all your medications plus conditions and see what can cause problems with what, plus a lot of other really useful tools for keeping track of health)

#pls rb this i don't know how many people are actually told this #i'm still working towards a specific diagnosis but i know for a fact that i have some form of psychosis #and my psychiatrist knows this and has for a while #but she never fucking told me about this #she knows i experience paranoia and hallucinations and delusions and shit and still gave me the adhd medication #so you know. heads up for anyone out there who might not know #i'm pretty sure i'm ok to take it once in a while since i'm usually good at gauging whether it'd be safe for me to on any given day #and i don't take it at all regularly or frequently so it doesn't severely worsen it #but it can and i don't want ppl to try to treat their adhd without realising that they could be worsening other conditions' symptoms #(edit: i removed the meds warning tag for visibility but pls let me know if i need to re-add it)