#why didnt i stop myself

[boycigs]

rant

having a breakdown bc I got high this morning and ate off schedule and now I cleaned up the yard (<- planning to mow back and front yard by myself and skip my original first meal)

#genuinly gonna kms bc of this #why didnt i stop myself #'oh papa isnt home lemme get a hit' #fucking quarter of a pizza for breakfast later im distraught

[anewp0tat0]

lil doodle to end the week

#dunno why I come up with little scenarios that focus on such minute details. lol anyway I GOTTA improve my line shading #my crosshatching has taken a dip. gotta pick it back up again #kuroshitsuji #black butler #kuroshitsuji fanart #fanart #sebastian michaelis #ciel phantomhive #digital art #elizabeth midford #lizzy midford #sketch #also wow I can't believe i missed reaper day. I was literally doing something and then got side tracked but i didnt stop myself cause i #thought 'eh I have time' #oh well it'll be done someday. plus i didn't see yana do anything so far so I guess i didnt miss such a big holidays after all... #welp it's expected. be happy for the reapers anyway!!!

[drawnfamiliarfaces]

I've been utterly fascinated by Good (better? nicer?) Chase design by @lizard-color4 from this post and desperately wanted to know more. Who's this man? What's his story? Why is his hand bandaged? Why is his fashion taste is so much better than Original Chase? And why the hell does his hug looks so nice??

so i um, decided to explore his design a little ;D

also bonus+ sorta?? continuation / my take on the after hug because i really craved more of that

bonus++ a silly doodle of my first attempt on his design because why not

#xiaolin showdown #chase young #jack spicer #chack #im low key waiting for a fanfic based on og post but so far noone delivered so I made fanart MYSELF HAH #i started drawing these like 3 months ago but got too embarassed by my attempt in drawing someone else's cool design #but didnt want to go into new year with these in my wips so imma just post it why the hell not #Lizard-color your og post was so good i periodically look at it because the hug looks so ??DSdsk;fjasfsd??? i love it sm and the coloring < #makes me weep and makes me breathless with emotions! u r such a great artist <3<3<3 #hope its ok i tried to desconstruct/reconstruct chase's design i love it sm #and i made up a lil au in my head that this Chase is from a universe where he is less of an asshole and Jack is more loyal #so they actually worked together more but that Chase lost his Jack so when he saw this universe Jack he just couldnt stop himself from #hugging him because he really missed him. And also that bandage is some sort of momento from his jack and i made myself saaaad D;

[skitskatdacat63]

Fernando S1E4 - “Out of My Comfort Zone”

#lots of good shots this episode! #tho i think im just super entranced by his racesuit colors since theyre my fav colors so i cant stop clipping cause im like ooo pretty!! #dakar is so scary to me every time they go over a big hill im like hands over my eyes #also so much carlos sainz sr this episode!! his and fernando's relationship is very interesting #(spaniard version of seb and schumi tbh) #him standing on the big car hehehe very tiny #i didnt mean for gifing this to turn into such a project for myself but ahhhh why not #i think the break btwn miami and now has just bored me to the point where im just looking for projects lol #fernando alonso #fa14 #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #we do a little bit of f1 #fernando s1e4 #fernando(show)

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i think WH's last Big Update has permanently rewired something in my head because the mental jolt my brain gets whenever i see a small bug jpeg is, quite frankly, ridiculous

#every time i barely stop myself from lunging at those little things with the cursor #my brain goes BUG BUG BUG CLICK ON IT BUG #at this rate if im ever on a different site with small bug adornments. i gonna instinctively click on them #its absurd. why is this a thing now #like i know Why #several hours straight of searching for them. them popping up out of nowhere. clicking on them asap bc i didnt know if theyd vanish or not #My Mind Is Now Wired To Click On Bugs #absolutely unprompted #its such a knee-jerk reaction #the insects #Give Them To Me.

[m0e-ru]

P4G Anime Adachi’s car - Lexus/Altezza IS200

P4 Dojima’s car - Land Rover (idk the exact model really it's a standard japanese right hand drive with a left side tailgate tire apparently)

P4G Anime Marie's guitar - G&L Telecaster Blueburst

P4 Visualive Attendant's shoes - Bapesta Nigo era Orange-Black Halloween limited edition 👍

#p4 #persona 4 #p4v #ゲッー #tohru adachi #ryotaro dojima #marie persona #⛽️🌫 #moel gas station attendant #// 'what kind of miscellaneous trivia is this' stuff that rotate in my mind for seven hours a day #// why would you need this you ask. um . if you want a really specific way to describe how adachis car crashes or something idk #// spent another hour trying to look for dojimas exact land rover model i straight up just gave up #// me when im modeling for a ps2 game and nobody'll care anyway lol #// no i didnt find all of this on my own just ask a resident geek about cars and guitars but found the SHOES on my own #// like damn this looks like a knockoff nike /looks up knockoff jp nike brand/OH MY GOD #// i think it's silly i showed them the guitar and they straight up just glanced at the headstock and said 'g&l telecaster' oakay #// i love you guitar freaks and your headstocks i will never know what a lespaul is though sorry #// straight up. exhausting my post count i did this to stop myself from posting OH WELL

[entryn17]

not to get hashtag personal but sometimes it just feels nice shouting it out where people will see it. those past few months have been just so weird for me. mostly because it feels like every two weeks i realize something about myself that i have a not-particularly-healthy approach towards and each realization feels like i'm opening a wound and then picking at it for days on end, which. i try to maintain a "well, now that you've addressed it you can start repairing your relationship with it" attitude towards all of it but most days everything feels raw and sensitive to the touch and it's really, really exhausting watching myself under a microscope for so long. and i'm still not sure what to do about it, but i'll give myself just a bit more time to feel uncomfortable

#i trust myself in knowing when to stop and be kinder to myself. feeling uncomfortable is necessary sometimes at least for me #i don't want to just sweep everything under the rug and bottle it up. which ah now that i think about it i can write everything that's been #-bothering me down. yeah idk why i didnt think of it before

[aphsillyos]

his default recall is so cool..........

#not me arts tag #ive never used his default skin so i didnt even know what it looked like until now....ough #i wish u could mix and match sounds or recalls with skins................ #i honestly forget half the time hes supposed to be like. Cool and Suave and a Competent Badass #because my brain is always like. god hes so small and floppy and will die if you breathe on him wrong #also hes always crying and breathing heavily in my ear so im just like. poor guy #he should be at the bed taking a nap not fighting....... who made him fight.... stop that he doesnt belong on the battle field #he might be a badass hitman or smth but my brain is like #this is just a sad theatre kid who took gymnastics #''aphelios how is your assassin training going'' aphelios who has only been reading the acrobatics textbook: my what #is there anyone still reading these tags. hi there #i have a lot of thoughts on him. im very obsessed with his animations #like he has a laugh animation for every weapon....... #all the various weapon animations... #maybe the real reason we wont have a legendary for 10 more years is all the animating they have to do #i mean his base animations are so good id honest be like OK if they reused them #cant rly do much better than already Top Tier animations #unless we get an alune legendary..... #hope alune is super awesome and badass and all the aphelios voicelines are a really shy awkward guy or smth #like you look so cool and awesome fighting and the whole world doesnt know ur listening to a lil guy in your brain the whole game #the contrast would be very funny methinks #if anyones still reading this. yes i know riot made up some reason about budget or whatever for voices #but i choose to believe aphelios is head empty no thoughts and thats why he doesnt talk to alune #(STILL GOOFY OF A REASON... lots of VAs can do both genders of voices.... like. what about kindred and kayn....) #then again wouldnt be surprised if they were overbudget on the animations but still smh my head into oblivion #can relate to a guy who simply doesnt wanna talk #(said after 10000 tags of talking to myself) #i should really put my thoughts onto a separate post or blog or something #anyways have i mentioned i think hes really cute

[copperthejackal]

i remember one time as a kid i was playing halo 3, and i died in the game, and i wasn't mad or anything but i straight up just fucking took it out of my xbox and snapped the disc in half because i was tired of playing it, and went to the store the next day and bought halo 3 again

#halo #i also bought sonic generations #i dont remember why i did it but i think i did it to stop myself from playing halo 3 again because i was tired of it #didnt work

[stemmmm]

ive been looking up stuff about a program that's existed for over 20 years i think, which led to me reading help forum threads from 2009 and 2022, and can i just say.....

oh my god the internet is such a better place now. what the fuck was wrong with people in 2009. i understand perfectly why i was so avoidant to troubleshoot anything back then, all that you'd get out of it is a half-sentence non-response that simultaneously didn't answer your question and insulted you as if there were never a stupider person alive. you get bullied out of the forum immediately. in 2022? instant, simple answer AND they got their followup question answered too

#m.txt #i ask myself so often oh why didnt i get more into computers why didnt i get into obscure games why didnt i learn any creative tools #THIS IS WHY!!!!! PEOPLE WERE SO MEAN FOR NO REASON!!! #I DONT KNOW WHAT MADE IT STOP BUT IT DID STOP!! I DIDNT NOTICE BUT IT STOPPED AND IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL.... #PEOPLE REALLY CAN CHANGE... SOCIETY CAN IMPROVE.....

[silenthillbunni]

.

#1st ​my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner #so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively #nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way #but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop #i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together #nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done #then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth #when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?' #'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting' #i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room #but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive #so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner #she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to #but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything #she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of #idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone #and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao #i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden #nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd #like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library #i wnna show my mom what books i got #it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality #why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks #anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to

[purpleshadow-star]

I'm watching this girls review/talk about all of the Percy Jackson books, and tbh I've never seen someone with so little media literary. She's turning me into a Jason Grace defender, and I don't even care for Jason that much.

#im just so annoyed watching her videos #tbh idk why im still watching them #maybe a morbid sense of curiosity? idk... #the way she talks about the books and characters makes it clear that she didnt understand them at all 😭😭😭 #ESPECIALLY Jason #idk im just annoyed i needed to get this out of my system #i dont wanna talk bad about anyone but i dont understand how she's coming up with half the stuff she says #ill prob stop watching her soon bc i srsly dont know why im putting myself through this #but seriously i never thought id feel as defensive of jason as i do rn #anyway #riordanverse #percy jackon and the olympians #heroes of olympus #jason grace #random #low key rant in the tags #rick riordan

[bitual]

first week of uni overr

#umm i need to stop having crazy expectations on myself. like ive only made 1 proper friend in uni & i was upset about it but also my other #friendships have been ongoing for literal years like i cannot be expecting that closeness so soon 💀 also i need to keep remembering that #ill always be making friends this isnt just a first sem scramble. but i just hate it when ppl r just on their phones then turn out to be #nice like we're all trying to make friends its fineeeee #erm also realising growing up as a 'good child' is impacting my ability to like. do 'teenage things' like i declined going to 2 parties cuz #i didnt want it to be a whole thing with explaining to my mother . but like i found out the world doesnt end when i arrive home past 6pm 😹 #maybe i will step out more idfk pray for meee #why do i have to read so much too

[perilegs]

ok i might need to force myself to not romance astarion bc i don't want to know what it says about me to turn down karlach, the woman of my dreams, the character made to cater me personally, like, if she was real i'd bring the moon and stars down for the chance to see her smile, she's everything i've hoped for in a rpg companion, what does it say about me if i turn that down for someone like astarion

#ngl karlach would be too good for me and i wouldnt deserve it #shed probably ask me stuff like 'what do you want?' upon which i would be paralyzed with fear my mind completely blank unable #to process why i can't answer a simple question #and she's so up front with her emotions which i absolutely adore but i could not reciprocate that #wait am i actually for real avoiding the karlach romance bc i feel like this fictional character from a video game is too good for me #a real human being. like. i think i would feel guilty about romancing her #which makes no sense bc i romance characters too good for anyone all of the time. but idk #in those cases ive always had like a strong character i play as who is very divorced from who i am #but playing as durge there is no past so idk who my tav is yet so all i can do is project so he feels very. personal #im v sleepy and also ive had brain fog all day so yea idk #i mean i do genuinely like astarion and his character but in his case i dont feel guilty bc i feel like i #i have no idea how to finish that sentence without it sounding like 'i can fix him' #bc i dont want to fix him i want to show him compassion and respect him and his boundaries so he'll be able to reclaim tje feeling of #being in control of his life #so he'll stop putting people down to feel like hes on a pedestal #like i get him and why he is like that but i just feel like being kind and caring towards him would feel so good #it wouldnt fix him and thats a good thing bc i dont want him to change who he is but i do think he needs support #also hes hot im so mad at myself for being so atteacted to him #we wouldnt b here if i didnt have a thing for voices #besides thag back to the main point of astarion its like. ugh! im so frustrated rn bc i dont have the words #to express my emotions toward him bc everything ive said lacks the nuance that im feelikg but idk how to put it in words #i guess i want to protect him? that such a terrible sentence and still not what om going for

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i don't even like video games so why have i been playing Red Dead 2 for the past eight hours gay

#i think me brain likes the Reward of successfully one hit killing things with a bow and arrow #i was born in the wrong generation (should've been a hunter gatherer) #i dont even care about the story!!! the tutorial / first chapter was tedious as fuck! #im only completing missions to unlock things so that i can Keep Fucking Around!!! #also my horse's name is wizard and if anything happens to her im killing everyone in this game #thankfully when the fuckin. asshole odriscolls Ambushed me i was riding a backup horse i'd just tamed #so THAT one died instead of my darling wizard. but still. cmon #she was a gorgeous buckskin... her name was gonna be Egg... i was on my way to the stable to name her... #BUT YEAH I DONT EVEN LIKE THIS GAME ALL THAT MUCH WHY CANT I STOP PLAYING #maybe my brain is like 'oh my god finally something New. something other than the same shit we've been doing' #killin turkeys and deer #i tracked an elk into a train tunnel AND HIT IT!! #but it didnt die!!! and ran out!!! and then i couldnt find it!!! cmon!! #this game is so infuriating Why Cant I Stop #absolutely unprompted #though i have been thoroughly entertaining myself with my own antics #'i want to be nice to people 🥺' #ten seconds later im killing a man i couldve easily saved purely bc there were no witnesses around <3 #well! he would'a talked! i got a camp to protect and provide for! #oh ok yeah i also think my brain likes being able to be a rugged western man w a beard #riding horses and Providing in a slutty little outfit i picked out #most of the game is Such A Drag (as my darling shikamaru would say) #but there are some good bits. addicting bits. sigh #like the allure of open world. optional story. yeah <3 #no rules <3

[sillybouquetoflillies]

i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out

#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk #i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting #but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it #so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life #wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around #so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length #how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg #ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most #i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway #i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!! #i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well #i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately #I DUNNO #i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out #i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems #n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me #i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want #while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt 🥰 #i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts #i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!! #its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there #i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl #i just dont know what yet #concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent #ok i think this ramble is ovr #im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!