#why do i hate myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starkslydia · 2 years

Text

i’m kind of confused at why so many people are upset at a certain change related to laena so here’s a bit of reflection on the subject [hotd spoilers below]

in the book, laena dies during childbirth — well, she actually dies as she is making her way towards vhagar because she is desperate to ride her dragon one last time. but apparently, on the show, laena will commit suicide by dragon fire. why? for the exact same reason: childbirth. i’m guessing that she is let known / is aware that neither she or the baby will survive the birth so she actually decides to go to vhagar and demand her dragon to burn her alive — it’s also rumored that vhagar will refuse at first (which is going to destroy me).

the thing is, even if it’s vhagar fire what kills laena at the end, childbirth is still her death sentence. she just refuses to die that way. she wants a warrior’s death, burned by fire, in the old way of valyria. she gets killed by her children, both of them. first by her unborn baby, then by her dragon, a part of her soul — she wants to die in her own terms. if we’re following the theme of women challenging the patriarchal society that they’re surrounded by, this is incredibly meaningful.

you also have to keep in mind that we’ve already seen a childbirth death, and it was also meaningful. aemma just didn’t die while giving birth — she was used, bred, gaslighted and then left to die. it was graphic, raw and it was supposed to mean something: women don’t get to choose how they die. childbirth is their battlefield. yet laena gets to choose how she will go, a privilege that wasn’t granted to aemma.

and most importantly: aemma died on episode one, all because of childbirth. that was something that traumatized rhaenyra and shaped the way she sees marriage and children (it’s only when daemon takes her to the brothel that she realizes that sex can and should be more than just a way to reproduce). she doesn’t want to get married and forced to birth heirs, she is terrified of suffering the same fate that her mother did. with visenya, her last child, she survives. but the pain and trauma of losing her only daughter is something that she will carry to her death. rhaenyra’s birth will parallel aemma’s — the first and last episode, the mother and the daughter, both cursed by love and duty and their roles as women. visenya will die just as baelon did. and just as emma died with her son, part of rhaenyra will die with visenya as well.

#starkslydia rants #hotd spoilers #house of the dragon spoilers #laena velaryon #aemma arryn #queen aemma #rhaenyra targaryen #why do i hate myself #i won't survive these scenes

33 notes · View notes

thebindingofpillo · 5 months

Text

I have to get these asks done ASAP because I want to do something for Christmas augh sadly next one will be an 8 panel comic haha

#Why do I hate myself #Musings of pillo

3 notes · View notes

jimmymcchill · 2 years

Text

things i am tired of

cishet white dude bros hating on kim/mansplaining crazy theories that only make sense in their head/hating on rhea (and i am definitely not sorry this is a fucking hate crime for me I'LL END YOU)

the same geniuses saying that if something happens to kim jimmy will surely be to blame, like... fuck it, she's got AGENCY. that's the whole point of her character. she took the bad choice road BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO, jimmy was literally telling her that it wasn't worth it. stop being fucking sexist: it's HER fate. she saves herself, and, if it comes to that, she fucks herself up.

can't think of anything else rn, i just really can't fucking stand these people <3 leave kim and rhea alone or i will bite your ear

#:)#why do i keep reading comment sections #why do i hate myself #bcs #better call saul #bcs s6 spoilers #bcs spoilers #bcs s6 #kim wexler #rhea seehorn #jimmy mcgill #saul goodman #bob odenkirk #mcwexler #meta

58 notes · View notes

gatalentan · 1 year

Text

Actually this is making me wanna take another run at Moesha. Because why have an easy life making gifs from content that has 4k hq video that u can resize sharpen and slap on tunglr dot com when u can gif shows from 1996 lit by one candle and filmed on someones shoe and requiring 83 bespoke processing layers and a complicated demonic ritual to be able to see literally anything

#why do i hate myself #doing that star trek ep the other day was such a pleasure it was like cleaning my glasses

4 notes · View notes

ichigo-hime · 2 years

Text

My toxic trait is only watching animes with one season

#why do i hate myself #sasaki to miyano #ouran high school host club #kiss him not me #anime / manga

42 notes · View notes

thatprocrastinatingpotato · 2 years

Text

Writer's Note: This is not good. This is just angst. Only Hurt, no comfort.

_____________________________________________

When she entered, the entire firehouse was mourning one of their own. She doubted that. She doubted that they ever thought of her wife as one of them. If she was, they wouldn't have left her…

She had decided not to contemplate it. Not today. Today she was going to be there for her wife and give her the respect she deserved. She was going to be there, and sit between the people she probably despised the most right now, and listen to them say good things about her wife.

The fire chief started speaking first and she tuned it all out. Memories of her beautiful wife started clouding her mind and she let herself be carried away by them.

Seven Days Ago

When she entered their apartment, there was no sound. It had been a while since that happened. Ever since their fight every time she entered their apartment, Maya was running on the treadmill.

They were both avoiding each other. Avoiding the elephant in the room. But… the apartment was quieter today.

She kept her keys in the bowl beside the door and entered further. That's when she found her wife on the floor of the kitchen, looking at the ceiling.

She softly approached the firefighter and looked at her. Maya still hadn't realized that someone was watching her. This was the first time in weeks that Carina had looked at her and all she could see was a completely different person in her wife's place.

Her eyes were dim, lightless. Her cheeks had shrunken and she looked significantly thinner.

“Bella?”

She softly called her, yet Maya still flinched.

“Hey, sorry. Sorry, I will get up. I'd…”

Maya scurried to change her position, and when she stood up, Carina could see a slight limp in her step.

“Are you okay, Maya?”

She stopped in her tracks, in front of their bedroom door, holding onto the handle. It felt as if that handle was her only saving grace at the moment.

“I am… fine.”

Carina could hear the small crack in her wife's voice and couldn't help but move towards her.

“Bella?”

That increased the blonde's grip on the handle. But that inanimate object couldn't help her keep her emotions in check anymore and there was a faint sob.

She saw her scurry away even farther as if she was afraid of her emotions.

“I am sorry, I am sorry. I'll just… I just needed something. But, it's fine. I'll be fine.”

She spoke more to herself than anyone else and if Carina wasn't standing so close to her, she wouldn't have been able to hear it.

“Bella…”

“Will you please hold me?”

It was a whisper and she wasn't sure if she was supposed to hear it. It was a shock. That must've taken her wife so much. She hasn't asked for affection from her in the past seven months and she must've been extremely afraid to do so at that moment as well. Maybe she was silent for a minute too long, and Maya took it as a rejection of her request.

“Sorry, I shouldn't have…”

But before she could complete it, Carina strode from her place and held Maya closer to her waist from behind. She could feel her trembling with sobs that wrecked her and she tightened her hold.

Maya was sobbing for a few moments before she stiffened in her arms.

“I am sorry.”

It was as if the vulnerable instance had passed. Maya's voice had gone from harsh to soft in a second. She pulled away and stood at the edge of the couch, looking down.

“Do you want me to look at your leg?”

“I am okay. It's okay.”

Maya started moving towards the guest room and she felt this sudden tiredness taking over. She was tired of tiptoeing around her wife. She was tired of the world, she was tired of being angry, tired of being sad. Tired of everything.

So, she walked towards Maya again and held her wrist. Her wife stopped in her tracks. She looked at their linked arms and Carina.

“Will you hold me?”

It was the same request that Maya had, spoken with similar intensity, and Maya didn't waste a minute to move towards her and engulf her in her arms. She pulled her closer and took in her scent. She missed her. She missed her so badly that her body ached for Maya's touch and now that she was in her arms, nothing mattered.

“Can we pretend, just for today? Can we pretend everything is fine?”

She heard Maya ask and she nodded. Maya had then moved both of them to the couch and held Carina through the night, telling her about how everyone was treating her at the station, how she had felt extremely lonely, how she knew it was her fault, but she needed someone to protect her.

Present Day

Her link of thoughts was broken by a silent touch on her arm. It was Ben sitting on her side, looking at her and that's when she realized that the people in the room were all expecting her to speak.

So, she got up and went towards the stage. She stayed away from all the consoling contacts, Maya's so-called friends tried to provide her.

She got up on the stage and Chief Ross stepped away from the Microphone as she took her place.

“I do not know what to say.”

She started.

“I thought I had a lot to talk about, but I do not know what to say. The first time I met Maya, all she had was the utmost care for the station she worked at and the people she worked with. The last…”

Her voice broke, remembering that last conversation they had before everything. But she composed herself.

“The last time we spoke, she told me how much she missed you all. The way it hurt when everyone stopped talking when she entered the room, the way everyone ignored her when she came out of the building with her injury. She feared that one day, you wouldn't pull her out if she was stuck in a fire and yet, she put all of your safety before herself and that's what finally cost her.

You took the love of my life away from me. You didn't save her when she needed saving. None of you gave another thought when she didn't get out of that burning building, and none of you care that she is… not here.”

That finally hit her. Maya was not here. Not anymore. She wasn't going to just come around the corner, pull her in by her waist and assure her that everything is going to be okay.

“My wife was emotionally abused by her captain, while the fire chief stood right beside him and watched and all she had asked for was a fair trial. The one that was given to Robert Sullivan. Offense, drug abuse while being on active duty. My wife's offense was she rejected direct orders to save a kid's life. I am glad that she did. Because that little bambino is sitting here today.”

She looked in the back at a little kid with tears in his eyes.

“My wife's death wasn't an accident, but a murder. A murder that was committed by this department.”

She looked angrily at everyone sitting in the front rows, pretending to be the closest people in her wife's life, with their heads down while a soft chatter began rumbling around the room.

“Maya made me promise that I will not hold a grudge, nor will I ask for any answers. So, this is the last time any of you will hear from me.”

She took a deep breath in to calm herself and walked away from the podium. She could hear a lot of chatter in the background. But she left the station without looking back.

Five Days Ago

Maya was in a better mood after a while. She had held Carina and Carina had held her for the entire night. They had talked about the future. Maya had decided to leave at 19. She had decided to leave the place behind since it didn't feel like home anymore. She was going to put in her papers and that was the first step in her healing.

When they got called in for a fire, she jumped in. She and Montgomery went in to evacuate the building and they started clearing out the place floor by floor. On the last floor after pulling out an elderly lady, she heard a cry for help.

“Montgomery, you go ahead.”

She told him and broke down the door.

“Hello!”

She called out and another call came from the Kitchen. She kicked down the door and looked inside. The visibility was getting lower by seconds. But, she spotted two small kids sitting below the sink.

“This is Bishop. Two kids are stranded on the last floor. Please send someone in.”

She asked, but there was no reply. She asked a few times again before she finally picked up both the kids and started running towards the exit. She gave her mask and glasses to the kids and asked them to alternate.

She could feel her already injured leg giving up. But, that wasn't an option. Her priority was the kids on her back. So, she kept going, she kept going till she saw the exit of the building. That's when she heard a “The structure is collapsing” call on her radio.

There was no time to get all of them out. So, she pushed the kids out of the entrance just seconds before the building collapsed.

She had only one thought on her mind as darkness took over her. Carina's beautiful smile.

Five Days Ago

She was barely breathing when they transported her to Gray Sloan.

Amelia took over her treatment as soon as she was brought in. There was a huge laceration on her head, a lot of ribs were broken in, and a piece of metal was sticking out of her, injuring a lot of her internal organs. Carina was immediately informed of her condition.

When Carina entered the room, Amelia was ordering one thing after the other, but all Carina could think of was how small her fierce wife looked. She went by her side and took her hand in hers.

“Bambina?”

She softly said and Maya's eyes fluttered open. Carina gripped her hand tightly and went closer.

“Hey.”

Carina could hear all the strain it put on Maya to speak.

“Hey Bambina, you are going to be fine, okay? You are going to be fine.”

“I wanted to meet our Baby. I hope they…”

But her thoughts were interrupted by the pain that shot through her body.

“Bambina!”

She exclaimed and looked at Amelia panicked.

“I hope they turn out just like you. I will be counting my blessings…”

“Don't talk, Bambina. Please. Preserve your energy.”

“We don't have much time, My love. I love you. So much.”

She nodded.

“Please say it back, Baby. Please.”

“I love you too, Bella. I love you so much.”

“Please do not hold… anything against anyone. Move on.”

“No! No! You are going to… come back. You are going to come back for our baby.”

Maya smiled as if she knew what was coming.

“I love you so much. Thank you.”

She said as she was getting pulled away. Carina placed a kiss on her forehead and gave her hand a last squeeze before she was taken away.

“I love you too, Bella.”

She prayed a lot that day. She prayed to anyone who was listening to her to give her the love of her life back. She had looked at the firefighters gathering in the waiting room.

Andy had tried to approach her, but she had outright denied talking to any of them. When Amelia came out, she already knew it was bad news. She had given a lot of those over the years.

The extent of Maya's injuries was bad and during surgery, she had coded way too many times. Amelia held her friend close as soon as she was done telling her the news. Carina stood motionless, looking at the door that had taken both her brother and her wife. She was still hoping for Andrea and Maya to walk through those doors.

Present Day

She left the fire station and entered the apartment that they shared. She looked around and for the first time since it happened, she realized how empty that apartment was without her Maya.

She slid down by the door and finally broke down. Her loud call for her wife was never going to be heard again.

#maya and carina #carina x maya #maya bishop #carina deluca #why did i do this #Why do i keep hurting myself?#We would never know.#angst #just...#why do i hate myself #i don't know why i am posting this #i don't really know what this post is #Its just pain

16 notes · View notes

lilragekitten · 1 year

Text

New project alert

Lmfao

Progress from Tuesday to Friday this week.

Pattern: Happylittlemouse on Etsy

#Dino's are cool #cross stitch #xstitch #wip #why do I hate myself #kittens and rage stitching

3 notes · View notes

ellcrys · 1 year

Text

me whenever i tell myself i’ll workout after dinner: (chuckles) i’m in danger

#50/50 shot i actually follow through with working out #currently very comfortably lying in bed staring at the workout i have loaded on my laptop like #why do i hate myself #why is working out the one thing i have discipline for :')#i sure could use this discipline elsewhere in life!

2 notes · View notes

professional-bulshitter · 1 year

Text

hullo hullo,,, so i just started penumbra podcast and I'm v v normal about it,,, so much so that i ended up writing 800+ words about my feelings after the first 2 fucking episodes (murderous mask case)(honestly dunno how and where things end up going but this is the vibe/thoughts i got from them till now)

some snippets:

it's so cool to see them (Juno and Peter) and their boundaries with trust in this story arc cause they both trust each other to some extent even though they don't trust easy usually,,, like Juno hides behind his prickly hedgehog self and doesn't let anyone close but Peter/rex is so amiable and friendly but only because he's usually playing a character like,,, he will let everyone think they know him to keep others at arms length,, if that makes sense like most people don't even know his real name....!! and then starting with the first time they met it's so fucking obvious how much they trust each other or at least want to. but like peter/rex's trust comes from the fact that he knows about Juno somewhat but bitch is still a thief so you can only give someone a certain level of trust without fucking yourself over yet he still believes in Juno enough to know that he'll get them safely out of the restraints and trust him enough to solve the mystery and keep them safe and do the supposed right thing, along with the fact that he calls himself juno's better half,,, and don't even get me started on the fact that he tells Juno his real name even though he knows he shouldn't esp considering they're technically on the opposite sides yk,, but on the other hand,,, Juno wants to trust rex so bad,like , he knows that's not good cause rex is suspicious as fuck and things are not adding up and that he hasn't let anyone in for so so long but he wants to trust peter/rex and wants him to stay and trust and just be around him and with him so bad even though he knows he shouldn't and wouldn't and just couldn't but the thought is there,,, like if only we were on the same side of the law we could've been something great kinda longing yk,,,

also it's so so funny how Juno liked Cassandra, and they were sorta friends(?) and then he later kissed Peter both of whom ended up in handcuffs by the end of the arc both because of him and just 👀💀,,, also sad.

and the fact that peter wrote the note behind his back ( i can't even write one when it's in front of me) and Juno just going,,, i believe he did it cause he can do anything like ?? you just met?? Sir?? keep it in your pants?? and the silk lips?? and the fact that the smell lingered and the feeling of the lips lingered could be indicative of him trying and failing to get him out of his mind

and and are you even proper fantasy queer if you don't make plans to run away from the problems of the world together and explore galaxies and world and stars together while living a lavish lifestyle and invoking subtext of us against the world ?? and the other going that they can't leave this life behind but offering to let the other stay with them even though both know neither is gonna happen or could happen in a realistic world but just holding out hope of if only we could and were on the same side of the conflict ?? like excuse me??

i have nothing else to say except this is gonna take over my life, i can feel it and i don't even think i mind that much

#the penumbra podcast #juno steel #peter nureyev #why do i hate myself #this was not supposed to happen #most of this is probably bullshit but this is what i got from it #couldn't stop thinking about this #and just had to write it down #i am overwhelmed #and busy #but now im also obsessed and have found a new hyperfixation #i have too many thoughts #it is what it is

6 notes · View notes