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thatprocrastinatingpotato · 2 years

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Writer's Note: This is not good. This is just angst. Only Hurt, no comfort.

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When she entered, the entire firehouse was mourning one of their own. She doubted that. She doubted that they ever thought of her wife as one of them. If she was, they wouldn't have left her…

She had decided not to contemplate it. Not today. Today she was going to be there for her wife and give her the respect she deserved. She was going to be there, and sit between the people she probably despised the most right now, and listen to them say good things about her wife.

The fire chief started speaking first and she tuned it all out. Memories of her beautiful wife started clouding her mind and she let herself be carried away by them.

Seven Days Ago

When she entered their apartment, there was no sound. It had been a while since that happened. Ever since their fight every time she entered their apartment, Maya was running on the treadmill.

They were both avoiding each other. Avoiding the elephant in the room. But… the apartment was quieter today.

She kept her keys in the bowl beside the door and entered further. That's when she found her wife on the floor of the kitchen, looking at the ceiling.

She softly approached the firefighter and looked at her. Maya still hadn't realized that someone was watching her. This was the first time in weeks that Carina had looked at her and all she could see was a completely different person in her wife's place.

Her eyes were dim, lightless. Her cheeks had shrunken and she looked significantly thinner.

“Bella?”

She softly called her, yet Maya still flinched.

“Hey, sorry. Sorry, I will get up. I'd…”

Maya scurried to change her position, and when she stood up, Carina could see a slight limp in her step.

“Are you okay, Maya?”

She stopped in her tracks, in front of their bedroom door, holding onto the handle. It felt as if that handle was her only saving grace at the moment.

“I am… fine.”

Carina could hear the small crack in her wife's voice and couldn't help but move towards her.

“Bella?”

That increased the blonde's grip on the handle. But that inanimate object couldn't help her keep her emotions in check anymore and there was a faint sob.

She saw her scurry away even farther as if she was afraid of her emotions.

“I am sorry, I am sorry. I'll just… I just needed something. But, it's fine. I'll be fine.”

She spoke more to herself than anyone else and if Carina wasn't standing so close to her, she wouldn't have been able to hear it.

“Bella…”

“Will you please hold me?”

It was a whisper and she wasn't sure if she was supposed to hear it. It was a shock. That must've taken her wife so much. She hasn't asked for affection from her in the past seven months and she must've been extremely afraid to do so at that moment as well. Maybe she was silent for a minute too long, and Maya took it as a rejection of her request.

“Sorry, I shouldn't have…”

But before she could complete it, Carina strode from her place and held Maya closer to her waist from behind. She could feel her trembling with sobs that wrecked her and she tightened her hold.

Maya was sobbing for a few moments before she stiffened in her arms.

“I am sorry.”

It was as if the vulnerable instance had passed. Maya's voice had gone from harsh to soft in a second. She pulled away and stood at the edge of the couch, looking down.

“Do you want me to look at your leg?”

“I am okay. It's okay.”

Maya started moving towards the guest room and she felt this sudden tiredness taking over. She was tired of tiptoeing around her wife. She was tired of the world, she was tired of being angry, tired of being sad. Tired of everything.

So, she walked towards Maya again and held her wrist. Her wife stopped in her tracks. She looked at their linked arms and Carina.

“Will you hold me?”

It was the same request that Maya had, spoken with similar intensity, and Maya didn't waste a minute to move towards her and engulf her in her arms. She pulled her closer and took in her scent. She missed her. She missed her so badly that her body ached for Maya's touch and now that she was in her arms, nothing mattered.

“Can we pretend, just for today? Can we pretend everything is fine?”

She heard Maya ask and she nodded. Maya had then moved both of them to the couch and held Carina through the night, telling her about how everyone was treating her at the station, how she had felt extremely lonely, how she knew it was her fault, but she needed someone to protect her.

Present Day

Her link of thoughts was broken by a silent touch on her arm. It was Ben sitting on her side, looking at her and that's when she realized that the people in the room were all expecting her to speak.

So, she got up and went towards the stage. She stayed away from all the consoling contacts, Maya's so-called friends tried to provide her.

She got up on the stage and Chief Ross stepped away from the Microphone as she took her place.

“I do not know what to say.”

She started.

“I thought I had a lot to talk about, but I do not know what to say. The first time I met Maya, all she had was the utmost care for the station she worked at and the people she worked with. The last…”

Her voice broke, remembering that last conversation they had before everything. But she composed herself.

“The last time we spoke, she told me how much she missed you all. The way it hurt when everyone stopped talking when she entered the room, the way everyone ignored her when she came out of the building with her injury. She feared that one day, you wouldn't pull her out if she was stuck in a fire and yet, she put all of your safety before herself and that's what finally cost her.

You took the love of my life away from me. You didn't save her when she needed saving. None of you gave another thought when she didn't get out of that burning building, and none of you care that she is… not here.”

That finally hit her. Maya was not here. Not anymore. She wasn't going to just come around the corner, pull her in by her waist and assure her that everything is going to be okay.

“My wife was emotionally abused by her captain, while the fire chief stood right beside him and watched and all she had asked for was a fair trial. The one that was given to Robert Sullivan. Offense, drug abuse while being on active duty. My wife's offense was she rejected direct orders to save a kid's life. I am glad that she did. Because that little bambino is sitting here today.”

She looked in the back at a little kid with tears in his eyes.

“My wife's death wasn't an accident, but a murder. A murder that was committed by this department.”

She looked angrily at everyone sitting in the front rows, pretending to be the closest people in her wife's life, with their heads down while a soft chatter began rumbling around the room.

“Maya made me promise that I will not hold a grudge, nor will I ask for any answers. So, this is the last time any of you will hear from me.”

She took a deep breath in to calm herself and walked away from the podium. She could hear a lot of chatter in the background. But she left the station without looking back.

Five Days Ago

Maya was in a better mood after a while. She had held Carina and Carina had held her for the entire night. They had talked about the future. Maya had decided to leave at 19. She had decided to leave the place behind since it didn't feel like home anymore. She was going to put in her papers and that was the first step in her healing.

When they got called in for a fire, she jumped in. She and Montgomery went in to evacuate the building and they started clearing out the place floor by floor. On the last floor after pulling out an elderly lady, she heard a cry for help.

“Montgomery, you go ahead.”

She told him and broke down the door.

“Hello!”

She called out and another call came from the Kitchen. She kicked down the door and looked inside. The visibility was getting lower by seconds. But, she spotted two small kids sitting below the sink.

“This is Bishop. Two kids are stranded on the last floor. Please send someone in.”

She asked, but there was no reply. She asked a few times again before she finally picked up both the kids and started running towards the exit. She gave her mask and glasses to the kids and asked them to alternate.

She could feel her already injured leg giving up. But, that wasn't an option. Her priority was the kids on her back. So, she kept going, she kept going till she saw the exit of the building. That's when she heard a “The structure is collapsing” call on her radio.

There was no time to get all of them out. So, she pushed the kids out of the entrance just seconds before the building collapsed.

She had only one thought on her mind as darkness took over her. Carina's beautiful smile.

Five Days Ago

She was barely breathing when they transported her to Gray Sloan.

Amelia took over her treatment as soon as she was brought in. There was a huge laceration on her head, a lot of ribs were broken in, and a piece of metal was sticking out of her, injuring a lot of her internal organs. Carina was immediately informed of her condition.

When Carina entered the room, Amelia was ordering one thing after the other, but all Carina could think of was how small her fierce wife looked. She went by her side and took her hand in hers.

“Bambina?”

She softly said and Maya's eyes fluttered open. Carina gripped her hand tightly and went closer.

“Hey.”

Carina could hear all the strain it put on Maya to speak.

“Hey Bambina, you are going to be fine, okay? You are going to be fine.”

“I wanted to meet our Baby. I hope they…”

But her thoughts were interrupted by the pain that shot through her body.

“Bambina!”

She exclaimed and looked at Amelia panicked.

“I hope they turn out just like you. I will be counting my blessings…”

“Don't talk, Bambina. Please. Preserve your energy.”

“We don't have much time, My love. I love you. So much.”

She nodded.

“Please say it back, Baby. Please.”

“I love you too, Bella. I love you so much.”

“Please do not hold… anything against anyone. Move on.”

“No! No! You are going to… come back. You are going to come back for our baby.”

Maya smiled as if she knew what was coming.

“I love you so much. Thank you.”

She said as she was getting pulled away. Carina placed a kiss on her forehead and gave her hand a last squeeze before she was taken away.

“I love you too, Bella.”

She prayed a lot that day. She prayed to anyone who was listening to her to give her the love of her life back. She had looked at the firefighters gathering in the waiting room.

Andy had tried to approach her, but she had outright denied talking to any of them. When Amelia came out, she already knew it was bad news. She had given a lot of those over the years.

The extent of Maya's injuries was bad and during surgery, she had coded way too many times. Amelia held her friend close as soon as she was done telling her the news. Carina stood motionless, looking at the door that had taken both her brother and her wife. She was still hoping for Andrea and Maya to walk through those doors.

Present Day

She left the fire station and entered the apartment that they shared. She looked around and for the first time since it happened, she realized how empty that apartment was without her Maya.

She slid down by the door and finally broke down. Her loud call for her wife was never going to be heard again.

#maya and carina #carina x maya #maya bishop #carina deluca #why did i do this #Why do i keep hurting myself?#We would never know.#angst #just...#why do i hate myself #i don't know why i am posting this #i don't really know what this post is #Its just pain

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ink-asunder · 11 months

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We NEED to reevaluate how we view people with "red flags" that don't actually indicate harm to anyone. Things like "doesn't like animals," "doesn't have pets," "my pets immediately distrust them, so that means they're Secretly Evil."

I have a psychotic disorder. I suffer from flat affect. I have zero control over how I am emoting, and very often my emotional readout is completely blank. A LOT of animals (dogs especially) have exhibited aggression and fear around me ever since this started. (There are only TWO dogs I've met in the last five years that didn't BITE ME.) Dogs are unsettled by me because of a symptom of my psychosis--a condition that is out of my control that IS NOT DANGEROUS and doesn't harm anyone.

I also have a severe autoimmune disease and severe allergies to basically all animals. Whenever I tell people I can't come over because they have pets, or I don't have/want pets of my own, the IMMEDIATE response I always get is "why don't you like animals?" So I'm always pretty pissed off when I have to say, "I'm severely allergic. Don't fucking assume I have an undesireable quality just because I'm not a pet owner."

Another ableist red flag we need to talk about is "has no other friends/all their friends break up with them." Hi. I'm physically disabled with a digestive disease and a degenerative disease in my spine. That means my dietary restrictions are stupid and I can't sit/stand/walk for more than 15 minutes without being in pain. Most of the friends I break up with, I do so BECAUSE THEY ARE INCREDIBLY ABLEIST TO ME with no visible potential of changing. From people relentlessly harrassing me about lifestyle changes to not accepting correction or feedback when I tell them "hey, you CAN'T do x because it triggers y condition." If they argue or blow me off, I'm not their fucking friend!

Tl;dr: Disabled, chronically ill, and people with "scary" mental illnesses are often lumped in with "bad people" for characteristics that hurt no one and aren't in their control. Stop using "my dog is uncomfortable around them" as a litmus test for everyone you hang out with.

#chronic illness #disabled #disability #chronic pain #ableism #saneism #not to mention that its literally dangerous for disabled and psychotic people to be isolated and demonized.#its not just that no one want to be my friend. its that people are that much closer to putting me in danger because i dont fit-#-their standard of a 'good person.'

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