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jmagnabo92 · 1 year

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WBS Ch 8 - The Lily of It All

Halloween leads James to a certain revelation.

***

October 28th, 1983

He did think about it especially as Halloween approached and his heart still gave an uncomfortable pang at not being with Lily. Maybe James wasn’t as ready as he thought for a relationship with Sirius, except he was already in one with him.

He couldn’t break up with him, that would ruin everything. So, instead, he just ignored that bit and continued his mission to seduce Sirius. Unfortunately, despite enjoying the various different underwear that he bought to seduce Sirius, that is clearly not enough, so he figures he must need to woo Sirius in other ways – spoil him the way he deserves to be spoiled.

He’d spent their day of visiting various stores for more items for their house, and he’d spent some time sneaking away to buy some gifts for Sirius. He planned a romantic dinner for them at home, and he’d gift him something then.

Right now, he’s busy making the romantic dinner while sneaking glances at Sirius reading and coloring with Harry. The book they’d bought earlier (along with his new big boy racecar bed), is meant to be read and then they color in the various pictures in the book.

It’s so great to see Sirius with Harry most of the time and Jackie was right when she said that Sirius is an easy person for James to date because Sirius will always treat Harry as his own kid because in reality he is. Unlike dating anyone else, which means he’d have to get to know them, introduce them to Harry, and deal with whether or not they can feel like they could be stepparent material. And what if he started dating someone that didn’t like kids? Or what if Harry didn’t like whoever he was dating?

No, no. Finding himself attracted to Sirius may make his life beyond Lily a lot easier, however, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t or can’t love Sirius. Just because it’s easy doesn’t mean that it’s not true.

“Are you up to something?” Sirius teases, suddenly in the kitchen.

“Why would you think I’m up to something?” James questions. “Just making dinner.”

Sirius gives him a knowingly. “You’ve set up the table in a romantic way.”

“Hmm-mm, don’t you like that I want to set up dates? Even at home dates?” James questions. “Thought you liked when I’m trying to be romantic?”

“Oh, I do. It’s just … I’m a little worried about you,” Sirius admits.

“Worried?”

Sirius nods, “Well, Halloween is in a few days and I just … I don’t want you to throw yourself into me to hide how you might be feeling about…”

James frowns and looks away. While he had been trying to focus on romancing Sirius, it hadn’t occurred to him that he might be trying to hide his grief a little bit, but it made sense. Especially given that he had been focusing a lot more on wooing Sirius than the anniversary of Voldemort’s attack on his family that had marked his son and took his wife.

Was Sirius right? Could he be hiding his feelings about losing Lily by focusing his attentions on Sirius?

“Look, Jay. I don’t mean to upset you, it’s just with the event so close, I’m just worried about you,” Sirius says, sincerely. “I mean – I’ve been thinking about her a lot, and I can only imagine that you’re thinking about her, too, and it might be harder for you.”

“Er – yeah, that makes – makes sense, I guess,” James stutters. “I – I don’t think that’s what I’m doing, but – er – I …”

“It��s okay to be hurting, Jay. You’ve been doing so good this year, but it doesn’t erase the hurt,” Sirius smiles at him, giving his arm a reassuring squeeze.

James nods, “Yeah.”

“Do you want to – to talk about what happened? About her? I mean, we haven’t really discussed anything with regards to her in a while or the event. We did get a letter about that memorial being taken care of, but we do know that there’s been talk about Harry defeating Voldemort or at least there was…”

James looks down at the stove where their dinner is finishing, tears filling his eyes – he’ll have to wipe off his glasses later because it’s pointless to do it while he’s crying.

“I just – I still feel guilty for not being there and I know – I know that it’s probably better that I wasn’t so I could still be here for you and Harry, but I keep wondering what would’ve happened had I been there. Would I have died, and Lily lived? Should I have died in her stead? I just… I never really talked about it and now I feel guilty that maybe I’ve been hiding my feelings in my pursuit of you and – and it’s awful.”

Sirius puts an arm around his shoulders, “It’s not awful. It’s human, and it’s okay. Why don’t we make this a normal dinner – no romance attached, and just talk about her? About how you’re really feeling about the events of that night and everything since.”

James nods and wipes away his tears. “Yeah, I – I think I’d like that.”

“Good. Then that’s what we’ll do.”

***

October 31st, 1983

When James wakes that morning, he’d immediately known what day it was – the anniversary of the last day he had seen Lily alive.

The grief hits him like a ton of bricks.

Two years. Two years without her, almost half the time that they were even dating, and nearly the same amount of time that they were married.

So much for the rest of their lives.

“You okay,” Sirius asks, looking concerned beside him.

James shakes his head. “Not really – I just…”

Sirius smiles, sadly at him. “Why don’t you go take a bath? You could soak for a while, maybe it’ll make you feel better.”

James nods. It’s not usually what he likes to do – he much prefers showers, but baths had been something he’d done a lot in the early days – somehow, they made him feel better.

***

Although he knew that he wasn’t quite ready to go to the gravesite, James also knew that the previous years’ attempt to say goodbye hadn’t quite worked the way he intended because some disgusting people built some sort of shrine for the defeat of Voldemort. James had been so furious that he had to leave and hadn’t gotten the chance to have his peace.

This year, after Sirius confirmed with Kingsley that the dratted thing was gone, James wanted a second attempt.

Hopefully this one would go better.

Sirius pulls the bike into the lot next to the church and they both get off. James gets Harry out of the sidecar, and notes that he’s looking at all of the trick or treaters and kids in costumes. His three-year-old had thrown a fit about wanting to be like the other kids, but James couldn’t let him – not today, not yet.

Sirius offers his hand, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

James nods, taking his hand.

For the first time since they got together back in July, James feels awkward about holding Sirius’ hand here in the very place he’d held Lily’s hand at the church where he’d promised her forever. He lets go and focuses on using both hands to carry Harry, even though he’s wiggling because he wants down.

He glances at Sirius, who silently offers to keep a hold of Harry while James goes to her grave to say his piece. The piece he hadn’t gotten to say a year ago.

It doesn’t take long from him to find the grave and offer the flowers that bought along the way. Lily had actually never been that into flowers, something about how growing up people always assumed she’d want them, but he couldn’t bring her sweets or anything.

He stands back and is surprised by the feeling of emptiness. Being here, knowing she’s just beneath the ground – gone off to the next great adventure, just feels weird. He should be with her, shouldn’t he?

I’m sorry, he thinks. It’s all my fault – I should’ve been there, I shouldn’t have trusted a rat, I should’ve insisted we leave the country, leave the order behind.

It was stupid, he knew. It wasn’t just his choice; Lily had been most vocal about the choices in their lives. In fact, James hadn’t really made many decisions often deferring to Lily.

In fact, he’d been too stunned with the revelation of the prophecy and what could possibly happen to come up with a plan and it’d been Lily and Sirius that had discussed the possibilities. Sirius was all for leaving and never looking back, something about how he couldn’t take it if he lost them (and given Sirius’ attachment to Harry and more than friendly affection for James, that made sense), despite the fact that Sirius is a fighter.

Lily had pointed out the irony of Sirius being willing to fight and die while encouraging James and them to leave for safety. Ultimately, she mentioned the Fidelius charm and asked Sirius to do it. They’d argued about it for several weeks because Sirius felt he was too obvious, and Lily didn’t feel safe without someone she and James trusted to protect them.

Ultimately, Sirius offered the decoy plan, which would’ve worked if not for the Rat.

Despite knowing the Lily supported said plan, James still felt guilty because it was his so-called friend that turned them over to Voldemort, his friend that asked him to leave his family that night (even though he had no idea what would happen that night), and he survived when she didn’t.

It should’ve been me. I should’ve died defending you and our son.

The guilt he feels may never go away.

Tears fill his eyes as a hand fits into his hand. Sirius and Harry appear to have joined him, silently.

Holding Sirius’ hand should’ve given him solace and comfort, but standing in front of Lily’s grave holding his hand certainly didn’t. It actually felt wrong, somehow. Like he was betraying her or cheating on her or something.

Would she be okay with him moving on so soon? Would she be okay with him moving on to Sirius, of all people? Would she be okay with Sirius being Harry’s Paddy as he is?

Why hadn’t he thought of these things before? Was it because – as Sirius had suggested – he had focused on his pursuit of Sirius to avoid his grief for Lily?

He doesn’t know and it hurts him to wonder these things.

Maybe he isn’t ready for this after all.

***

“I think I know why you want to take things slow,” James says, as he stands uncertainly in the doorway of their bedroom.

He’d been thinking about their relationship all day. How uncertain he’d been as he stood at Lily’s grave holding back tears and letting them flow. The horrendous feeling of wondering if she’d be angry or upset about his relationship with Sirius had filled him, and although he’s pretty sure that Lily would not be upset or want him to hold back, he is also sure that he hasn’t fully moved on.

It’s part of why he constantly compares the relationships. Why he’s constantly still thinking about her and always bringing her up whenever Sirius does something similar or worse when Sirius does something Lily would never do and either he likes it or dislikes it, and brings that up, too. It’s not fair to Sirius, though. He deserves someone who has fully moved on and is ready for a new life together.

“Oh?” Sirius questions, from his place in front of the closet. He’d been a little more dressed up – as if he’d gone to a funeral instead of a gravesite – and is slowly undressing to be more comfortable.

“Yeah – I,” James pauses, swallowing hard. “I realized today that I haven’t given my all to you – when I finally told you about my fancy of you, I was focused on what we’ve already had and just the fun stuff, that I didn’t realize that fancying you, wanting this and the fun stuff, doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m actually ready for this, you know? I can’t give my full heart to you and this relationship because…”

“You haven’t moved on from Lily,” Sirius finishes, moving to sit on the end of the bed.

“And you knew that,” James states. “All this time.”

Sirius nods, “I did or at least, I suspected. You started having a lot better days when you had a goal of pursuing me, and it doesn’t mean that you’re using me or that don’t actually want me because I know you do – you want to date and maybe even marry again someday, but you’re not ready.” Sirius pauses. “It definitely didn’t help when you told me that Jackie kind of walked you to being in love with me.”

“And yet, we jumped in feet first,” James says, looking down. “But she didn’t exactly walk me to being in love with you – I was already half-way there.”

Although, maybe if she hadn’t said anything, he wouldn’t have jumped in feet first and pursued Sirius before he was ready.

“Yeah, we did,” Sirius agrees, ignore his last bit. “It was my mistake – I knew better, but I gave into my feelings and…”

“And I – I don’t want anything to change – I still want to date and snog and anything else you let me do…” James offers, trailing off. He clears his throat when Sirius doesn’t offer anything, “But I know it’s not really fair…”

Sirius gives him a small smile and pats the bed beside him, “James, I know this is unorthodox, but I think we can continue as we have been – dating, snogging, your cute little attempts to seduce me – but keep the distance alright? No sex, and we go slowly until you’re sure you’re ready to move on, sound good?”

James smiles letting Sirius put an arm around his shoulders, “You’re okay with that?”

“Of course, it’s kind of what we’ve been doing all along, no?”

James nods, “Yeah, I – I guess so.”

“So, it all works out,” Sirius says, kissing his cheek. “Slow and steady. No need to rush.”

“Good.”

#sirius black #harry james potter #james potter #Prongsfoot #prongsfoot Wednesday #sirius x james #WSB #Rebuilding part 3

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walkingstackofbooks · 10 months

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Season 2 Observations - What the DS9 crew call each other

I'm back with my spreadsheet and armed with new facts. Let's go! (For Season 1 Observations, see here.)

This is a bit longer and there was still more I wanted to include - if you want to check out the raw data yourself, you can view the spreadsheet here!

Sisko

Is slightly more likely to introduce himself as "Benjamin Sisko" (6x) than "Commander Benjamin Sisko" (5x) - though this is often followed in both cases by "of the United Federation of Planets" or something similar.

Kira, Odo and Quark mostly call him "Commander", and rarely "Sir" - all are extremely consistent with season 1. (37:8, 16:2 and 11:0 as compared to in s1 35:8. 15:2 and 9:0)

Miles and Julian are more likely to call him "Sir", but use "Commander" often as well. How often has changed for them both since Season 1: > Julian has moved from using both equally, to using "Sir" twice as often. > Miles has moved from using "Sir" three times as much to almost using both equally (40:35)

Dax still uses Benjamin almost exclusively (24x), although she will use "Commander" on occasion (2x).

Is most often referred to as "Commander Sisko (22x), followed by Sisko (12x) - O'Brien is the only one to use "Sisko" more frequently.

Kira

Most often calls herself "Major Kira Nerys" (4x).

Everyone, apart from Dax, almost always calls her "Major".

Dax exclusively calls her Kira (2x) - Bashir and Sisko have both also called her this (2x and 1x respectively).

Is most often referred to as "Kira" (13x), followed by "Major Kira" (6x) - a change from Season 1 where the "Kira: Major Kira" ratio was 5:18 > Odo bucks this trend: as in season 1, he refers to her as "Major Kira" 2 times and "Kira" only once.

Odo

Introduces himself as "Chief of Security Odo" (2x).

Is called "Odo" by everybody; Kira (7x), Dax (7x), O'Brien (4x) and Quark (24x!!!!) will use this most often.

Sisko and Bashir are more likely to call him "Constable" - 13:8 and 2:1 respectively. > Kira and Dax never call him "Constable" > Miles uses it almost just as much as "Odo" (3:4) > Quark calls him it twice

Is almost exclusively referred to as Odo by everyone - Kira referred to him as "Constable Odo" once, and O'Brien as "the constable" once.

Trends are consistent with Season 1, apart from Kira stopping using Constable entirely, and Bashir, Dax and O'Brien actually speaking about/ talking to him more than two times this season!

Julian

Refers to himself most often as "Julian" or "Julian Bashir".

Sisko, Kira, Odo and Quark exclusively call him "Doctor" - apart from Kira calling him "Julian" once, on his request!

Dax and O'Brien more often call him "Julian" (9:1 and 12:5 respectively) > After Armageddon Game, O'Brien only calls him Julian.

He is still referred to as "Doctor Bashir" most often by Sisko, Kira and Odo

Jadzia still refers to him mostly as "Julian".

O'Brien now refers to him mostly as "the doctor" or "Bashir" (2x each), as opposed to "Dr Bashir" in S1 (2x) > Quark similarly uses "Bashir" most (3x), followed by "the doctor" (2x)

Jadzia

Refers to herself as "Jadzia" most often (5x), but 4 of those times are in the episode Playing God where she is talking in the third person about herself. > She also calls herself "Dax" (2x), "Jadzia Dax" (2x) and when talking to Klingons in Blood Oath, "I who was Curzon Dax" and "You knew me as Curzon Dax".

Sisko and Kira call her "Dax" most often, followed by "Lieutenant" (22:11 and 7:5 respectively). > No change from S1 for Sisko, but Kira only began to call her Dax this season. > Kira also first calls her Jadzia - unprompted! - in Blood Oath. > Sisko only calls her "Old Man" once.

Odo, O'Brien and Quark exclusively call her "Lieutenant".

Julian exclusively calls her Jadzia, but only twice.

Sisko, Kira and O'Brien usually refer to her as "Dax" - the latter two exclusively. > Sisko uses "Jadzia" just as much (6x), but only in the episode Invasive Procedures, when talking about her as opposed to Verad Dax who has stolen her symbiont. > Once again, this is same as S1 for Sisko, but a change from exclusively "Lieutenant Dax" (1x) for Kira.

Julian most often refers to her as "Jadzia" (4x), followed by Dax (2x).

Miles

Calls himself "O'Brien" most often (4x) - "Miles O'Brien" (6x) is skewed because of his repetition of it (4x) under torture in Tribunal.

Everyone most often calls him "Chief". > For Odo, this is equal with "Mister O'Brien" (2x each), and for Quark this is equal with "O'Brien" (1x each).

"Mister O'Brien" is still used at a similar rate by Sisko, being used about four times less frequently than "Chief" in both seasons. Kira only uses it once, in early s2, compared to "Chief" 14x - she used both equally in S1.

Sisko, Bashir and Dax most often refer to him as "Chief O'Brien", a change for all of them from S1. > For Sisko, this is followed by "Mister O'Brien", his most common use in S1. > For Bashir this is followed equally by "O'Brien", his most common in S1, and by "the chief".

Kira and Quark refer to him as "O'Brien" more often.

Odo uses both "Chief O'Brien" and "O'Brien" equally (2x each)

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Thanks for your interest in this, it's definitely encouraged me to keep going! Not sure if this is the correct tag etiquette, but I thought I'd tag those of you who seemed keen to look at more data - let me know if you don't want this to happen in the future! (Or indeed if you want to be added to the update list!) But 100% thank you so much for your kind comments about this project - I'm glad to see it's not just me who likes to nerd out over cold, hard data! (Also feel free to talk about stuff in the comments, there were so many tag comments I wanted to reply to aha 😅)

@joelleity @elainemorisi @istherewifiinhell @dumbnerd13-42 @yourea--stubborn--man @writteninsilences @worfianism @mickstart @ilovefredjones @tomthefanboy @ds9official @ussdefiant @autisticburnham @daforged @loudfederationscreeching @deepacenine @thethirdromana @tocautiouslygo @transhologram

#andi's spreadsheet project #ds9 #ds9 meta #benjamin sisko #kira nerys #odo #julian bashir #jadzia dax #miles o'brien #WSB

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