ranking my kpop dreams: 2022 edition
yes, i’m doing this again. i had a lot of fun last year ranking my various kpop dreams & nightmares, so as we face the last few hours of 2022, i’m at it once more with this year’s subconscious offerings. there’s been fewer of them this year, but no shortage of weird shit happening in them...
14) seventeen were on a british talk show, so i dragged my family down in front of the tv so they could learn about the group. at first, the interview was fine. then joshua started talking. and talking. about what, you ask? about the fact that his semen is so “chemically potent” that it bleaches his ceiling when he has certain dreams. at no point did anybody attempt to shut him up. of the members, only vernon looked mildly concerned. and joshua just kept going on. and on. -50/10, i have no words for this. why, joshua? why?
13) i was walking with an old friend around our high school campus, reminiscing. then, some guy got right up in our faces, trying to push us into some mud! i shoved him in return. he fell into the mud, and in doing so, broke one of his legs so badly that the bone was poking out of his flesh. we decided to leave him there. later, on a bus, i glanced out of the window and saw stray kids’ bang chan, hyunjin, and felix dancing. felix was one step out of time with the others, but i was the only one who noticed. gradually, the bus began to empty, until it was just me... and four members of tomorrow x together. they were deeply worried, and searching for yeonjun. as it turns out, he was the guy i left screaming in the mud with a severe leg injury. they hadn’t heard from him all day, and had no idea i was responsible, so i kept quiet, and joined them on the search. we looked through bushes for hours, but all we found were ghosts of grey squirrels burrowing underground. -15/10, oh yeonjun, i’m sorry. but maybe you shouldn’t have started the fight? his injury was hideously graphic, and seeing as he was presumably lost forever, it’s a pretty shitty dream overall.
12) i was back in high school with a bunch of people, though we were all our current ages rather than teens. it was never clear what the class was that we were all in - i was too preoccupied with trying to get the attention of seventeen’s joshua. nothing i did seemed to work. in a last ditch effort at the end of class, i deliberately let a bunch of intimidating academic articles spill out of my bag, hoping their titles would impress him. he didn’t notice. 2/10, he looked very pretty the entire time, but god, how humiliating. all that effort for a man’s attention. and it didn’t even work.
11) i had to go to hospital to undergo various tests. however, i was travelling there from the future, and knew that one test in particular would be incredibly painful. to distract myself from the agony, i had downloaded that 2020 male idols collab performance of red velvet’s psycho… but when i watched it, it was actually just a video of stray kids’ hyunjin performing adele’s send my love. 4/10 i was anxious about the pain to come so it was pretty stressful, but hyunjin’s cover was pretty good!
10) i was fleeing from a house, dragging nct’s shotaro and sungchan with me. i never saw what we were running from, but i knew it wanted to hurt shotaro & sungchan, and i was the only one who could protect them. along the way to safety, i found xiaojun attempting to flirt with a woman. i decided to drag him along as well. he did not appreciate my decision. 4.5/10, there’s something oddly sweet in the idea that i could protect those three from something, but it was deeply stressful trying to actually do so. also, xiaojun was very stroppy.
9) shortly after his military discharge, exo’s suho did a buzzfeed interview, wherein he revealed a secret idol tradition… any idols who wished to date non-celebrities would ask for the phone number of that person’s father. later, i had a fancall with seventeen’s joshua. towards the end of the call, he asked for my dad’s number. i whooped and punched the air with glee, while he looked visibly confused. it turned out, the entire idol industry had somehow missed suho spilling the secret. 5/10 i love the thought of suho casually revealing industry secrets like that, no fucks to give. but if it was ever real, it’d probably cause a hell of a lot more drama.
8) one day, ateez’s san announced he was transferring to monsta x… and that he was also going to become a rapper! both fandoms were fine with this news, and everyone was hotly anticipating his second debut in mx’s upcoming comeback. but when his first mx song dropped… the beat was completely destroying him. he was clearly doing his best, and looked so happy to be there, but. man sucked. 6/10 this is actually a dream from 2021 that i forgot about when i did last year’s rankings, so it gets a bonus slot here! and i feel so bad that my subconscious decided san would make an abysmal rapper, but i have to award points for his sheer effort and enthusiasm, not to mention the supportive attitude of both fandoms involved. there’d be carnage if this ever went down in real life.
7) woodz was in my bedroom… with stray kids’ hyunjin on his lap… and hyunjin was… the two of them were… there is no clean way to say this. they were both fully clothed, but i’ll let your imagination do the rest. 7/10 look i’m not the kind of person who ships idols together, i promise… but holy moly this dream was hot.
6) jiang yanli of the untamed challenged none other than monsta x’s kihyun to a challenge: who between them could make the best gazpacho soup?? to decide the victor, they had a sing-off. at the climax of her song, jiang yanli threw kihyun at a wall! when he landed on the floor, he found a lump of butter. he ate it. i proceeded to berate him over and over for his “raccoon behaviour”. 8/10, i know this is a kpop ranking, but jiang yanli deserves points for the vocals and for making great soup even in my dreams. also, kihyun did a fantastic job too, even if he did act like a raccoon afterwards. do raccoons even eat butter?
5) i was at my old high school (though again, everyone was their current IRL age), and my mum was showing me a photo of depeche mode that she wanted professionally printed for her birthday. however, i was more interested in the youtube thumbnail she had of seventeen, performing fear on a music show. she told me she was getting into them, and especially wanted to know more about “josh-hunk”. she said multiple members kept calling him that. i explained they were probably actually calling him hyung, at which point my sister yelled hyung at me and i said it wasn’t for girls. then svt appeared, and performed hot! at one point, joshua had a whole sexy strut moment that ended in him staring broodily out the window, right next to my mum! i internally screamed over not sitting next to her. then, jeonghan lifted mingyu off his feet and threw him at joshua! despite him hitting a brick wall, everyone thought it was good fun, mingyu included. 8.5/10, it was pretty cool bonding with my mum over a kpop group, but i can’t believe i chose not to sit next to her and consequently missed out on having one of the members that close…
4) seventeen’s joshua had transformed into a little yellow parrot called perus. he was being bullied by a bigger, meaner parrot, who kept insulting him and pecking him. eventually i stepped in, grabbing perushua and barricading us together in a bathroom where the other parrot couldn’t reach us. i proceeded to stroke his feathers until he relaxed. 9/10, despite him getting picked on for most of the dream, he made an adorable parrot, and his feathers were so soft.
3) i woke up one night needing to pee. i opened my bedroom door, and turned towards the bathroom - only to find a crowd of random people, all cheering for exo! exo were in a pre-performance huddle, right in front of the bathroom doorway, and as i watched, sehun slowly lifted his head and made eye contact with me. i promptly ran back into my bedroom and spent the rest of the night listening to their concert. after, i opened my door again to watch them leave. inexplicably, taemin was there with them, doing a little jig. 9.5/10, i spent most of the dream too shy to face them but even through a closed door, the concert was great!
2) i was taking part in some kind of gbbo spin-off with my old high school friends. inexplicably, seventeen were there too. at one point, jun was reading instructions. i was sitting between mingyu and minghao, and we had secretly inserted a pun of jun’s name into the instructions. i was watching for his reaction, and the three of us all grinned at each other when he realized. later, i looked up from making biscuits to find jun smiling warmly at me. 12/10, jun’s smile was just… so warm, and sweet. lovely smile to find aimed at you, even in a dream. i was also very snug between mingyu & minghao.
1) there was an apocalypse that turned people into bloodthirsty monsters! while porchay from kinnporsche was having a whole valiant hero moment, i was frantically trying to squeeze my arse through a window to escape. flash forward to a grand banquet thrown for all of the survivors. i ran into exo’s baekhyun, and told him we were cousins because we share a birthday. then he hugged me, and it was the sweetest, warmest, loveliest hug of my life. afterwards, i bumped into hyuna, and she was also my cousin, as she had replaced one of my real life cousins. we also had a pretty great hug. i went in search of more idols to hug… but got trapped by taylor swift, who regaled me endlessly with exclusive secrets about her music videos. i was too polite to walk away from her. 15/10 purely for the baekhyun hug. oh god. so warm. so firm. would hug him forever if i could.
and on that note... 2023, i can only wonder what dreams you have in store for me.
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The Big Part
Alastor x Virgin FemReader smut
You were dead, it was time to divest yourself of your virginity. When you ask Alastor, he takes to the task immediately. Unfortunately, he seems to enjoy surprising you.
warnings/promises: Alastor x Reader smut, Alastor dislikes getting naked, virginity does not rock, possessive Alastor, head pats, reader is an adult she’s just a nervous idiot bad at words
Horny little deer cult: @frompeach , @chirimeimei , @poppingaround , @polytheatrix , @itsmskeisha , @stygianoir , @celestial-vomit , @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx , @amurtan
minors dni, this isn’t educational in the slightest and is just straight smut
It made sense, at the time. You didn’t want a relationship and you didn’t want to meet a stranger you couldn’t trust, that left very few people to ask. Husk would say no, and probably stop serving you drinks. Angel would most likely agree, but you were a little intimidated by his experience. That left Alastor. While you hadn’t spent much time together, your interactions were always cordial. And plus, this was hell. Isn’t this kind of situation a sinners dream come true?
For most, maybe. But you didn’t know Alastor. Not yet, not really. Everything he did had some ulterior motive. Perhaps nothing he had ever done was simply selfless. If Alastor wasn’t gaining something, Alastor wasn’t interested.
You caught him in the hallway one evening after redemption-oriented activities, deciding to get the moment over with as quickly as possible.
“It’s a favor, little… odd. But you’re the only person I have to ask.” Your eyes darted around his face, down the hall, up the walls, anywhere really but his eyes.
“I’m all ears!” Alastor tapped the microphone to the ground with a satisfying ‘thud’.
Oh— you had rehearsed this but you hadn’t prepared to be staring at that large, toothy grin. It wasn’t unsettling, it was just distracting. Would he be smiling the entire time he… ya know.
“I am,” you steepled your hands, pointing them at him, “a virgin.” You paused, hoping maybe he’d just infer the rest and you could stop talking.
His face was motionless save his eyelids rising up.
“And I don’t want to be. Anymore.” Your lips pursed together. C’mon, Alastor. Figure it out.
Alastor nodded.
You dragged your fingers down your face, “Would you help me with that?”
His head cocked to the side like a golden retriever being handed a book on ancient Egypt. Very nice offer but what exactly do I do with it?
“Help how, precisely?” He finally spoke, tone unchanged from any normal topic of discussion. Alastor watched your face scrunch up, mouth moving around words you abandoned half way through. You weren’t saying anything, just making panicked sounds. “I find annunciation most helpful when wanting to be understood, dear.”
You wanted to somersault out the nearest window. “Alastor will you take my virginity?”
“Take it where?”
You groaned, he laughed, “Just kidding, my dear! All in good fun. So, to be clear, you would like your first sexual experience to be with me?” He pointed the microphone from you to him.
You nodded, “Yes, please.”
His smile seemed to strain. Staring down at you, he tried to understand what your motivation was for this. But as he looked into your big, concerningly innocent eyes, he realized there was none. You really, simply, want him to be the first.
Ooh, as he thought it, he felt his pulse quicken in his lap. The first. A spot no one else could take. For the rest of your afterlife, he would always be the one who was first in you. A delicious thought. He could work with that.
“Are you free now?” He leaned down to your level.
“Oh. I wasn’t-,”
“Expecting immediacy? Perfect, the element of surprise has never failed me before.” His hand wrapped around your waist and drew you in to his chest, there was a rush of cold air over your skin before you felt yourself falling back.
It was soft, the room was dark, save for a small floor lamp in the corner. Your room, you realized.
“I didn’t know you knew my room number.”
“It’s my job to know everything about the hotel.” He said, tossing your shoes behind him. Was this happening now? Right now?
“I can do it, it’s, it’s fine.” You sat up and began undoing your pants. Alastor just standing there, watching. Smiling. Fuck, was it going to be this awkward the entire time? Should you say something? Touch him? You were lifting the hem of your shirt when you realized he was still fully dressed. “Are you going to take off your clothes?”
“Why would I do that?” Head lolled to the side.
You stopped mid-way through unhooking your bra, “Alastor you do know I was asking you to fuck me, right?”
He nodded.
Maybe this was a mistake.
After taking off your bra, and finally your panties, you crawled to the top of your bed and drew your knees to your chest. Your feet hid your sex from view. Heart racing, but it wasn’t excitement, as you had anticipated. It was nerves. Would it hurt? Would you make a stupid face? What if he didn’t like the sounds you made? What if you regretted it after?
Alastor got on the bed on his knees, undoing his belt buckle but not his pants. The way he looked at you, your heart skipped a beat. You suddenly remembered he was called the ‘cannibal deer’ as you saw something akin to hunger in his eyes.
“What experience do you have?” His voice was suddenly low, deeper than before. This wasn’t the pun loving radio man you saw prodding the staff.
“I dated. Before. Kissing, um, I don’t know the bases. Groping?” You grimaced, it sounded so formal.
“Have you ever,” he began to slink toward you on his hands and knees, red eyes glowing in the dim light of your room, “been entered?”
Your cheeks burned, your head suddenly swayed as if it was half full of water and someone tipped you over. “Just myself, my,” you lifted your hand.
“Show me.”
All the air left the room, sucked out of your lungs and into his grin.
Uncrossing your feet, you tried to open your thighs without seperating your knees. It didn’t work, but you still managed to get a hand between your legs and to your entrance. You could have cried, you were soaking wet to an embarrassing degree. Your eyes return to Alastor, his gaze never leaving you. Even as you slipped a finger, then two, into yourself. You thought for sure he would want to watch your hands playing with your wet pussy but no, his eyes stayed on your face. Somehow, that was worse.
A shaky sigh escaped, your eyes closing as you tried to focus on relaxing around your digits.
Your head smacked against the headboard when you felt a third finger enter. Not yours. Your eyes flew back open to see him now directly in front of you.
“Two won’t do, dear.” He spun his finger around, pulling slightly at the thin skin of your entrance. “Unless you’d prefer this to hurt?”
You shook your head no, still stinging from the impact you had made. “May I?” His hand took your wrist and removing your fingers. Swiping your wetness from your ass to your clit, he coated his claw-like digits and pushed three back in. They were longer than yours, sharper. You could feel he moved gently, in and out. Your head was heavy, breath short and fast.
He laughed, bringing your consciousness fully back into the room, “Already wanting to change your mind?”
You shook your head side to side, still too embarrassed to speak, and took a grounding breath to help your body accept his fingers. He took his time, sliding in and out of you. His fingers picking up the slick and letting it lubricate your lips. It was so slow, the only pleasure for you was knowing it wasn’t your hand doing it.
But then his stretching of your hole stopped, and he grabbed both of your knees from underneath and pulled you down toward him. Now on your back, legs up and in his hands, you heard his belt slide through the loopholes, his zipper drop. You wanted to look, but you also absolutely did not want to look.
Your knees came together when you felt something hot and round at your entrance. “Ah-ah,” He opened them immediately. He reached for one of your hands, and brought it down to his cock. It was so hard under your fingers, but gave a little when you squeezed. It made him hiss.
“You tell me when to stop, little doe.” He pressed into your opening, pulled back. Pressed in, just barely making it past your lips, pulled back. He kept this pressing and pulling, head making slightly more leeway every time. Your fingers were holding right behind the tip.
“How about this, dear. I’ll just get the head in for now. Manageable!”
“Just— just get the big part in first?” You asked, the pressure at your entrance building with every shallow thrust.
He laughed, nodding as he held both of your knees further apart. When he attempted to get past the curve of his cock’s head, your hands flew down to press against his thigh, pushing back with the intrusion. Alastor stilled, sighed, and pressed his head fully in with a determined thrust. Instinctively, your feet came to his chest and tried to push away from him. It felt like you were being torn down the middle, your body forced apart at your most sensitive junction. He held you still now by the ankles, legs splayed in the air.
It burned where your walls were pushed aside. Stinging where the skin tore slightly just beneath your hole, unable to stretch.
“Breath, sweetheart.” He set your ankles down. “Does it hurt?”
You nodded.
“I’ll stay here for a bit,” he settled on his legs, looking down at where he was connected to you. Your pink little pussy looking positively overwhelmed by his cock. No one has ever been here before, and he could feel it. Your walls were pressing so hard against him his shaft was slightly curved from the force pushing his head out. You still had so much to take, there was so much more of you for him to explore. You tried to calm your breathing but your heart was racking against your sternum.
Hand reaching down again, you let your fingers count little paces from his core to yours. You knew the hardest part was over, but that didn’t bring much comfort as you felt how far you still had to go.
Alastor let his eyes wander away from your not-so-virgin cunt to your face. Your expression was twisted, not pained but clearly uncomfortable.
“How does it feel?” He asked, gesturing to your lap with a nod of his head.
“Full, so full.”
His cackle disheartened you, “Darling I am no where done filling you up.”
You clenched when he said it, earning a small groan from him. You were already too tight, when you spasmed on him it was nearly painful. There was more to do yet, more of you to claim as his. Just the tip of his cock was simply not enough.
His hips started moving again, the folds of his head pulling at the skin of your entrance but not actually crossing the barrier. He was gently rocking, barely making friction between you two. Your hand clawed at his knee, breath hitching. You let an airy moan slip, his head no longer an intrusion but something hot and melty barely rubbing your walls. It started to feel almost good.
Alastor’s cock was throbbing, his shaft touch-starved and desperate for the heat of your cunt. Your face was relaxing now, eyes blinking around new sensations. He wanted to see you experience more, more firsts and frighteningly foreign pleasures. He wanted to see you scared of how good he could make you feel. Alastor wanted you to never feel whole again without him buried balls deep in you.
“Can you take more?” His voice was like gravel, a radio static crackling in.
You met his eyes, glowing still in the dim light, wide and nearly frenzied in their dilation. His smile was practically beaming down at you.
“I don’t know.” You were scared to move forward, even though you wanted more.
“I don’t like liars.” A pop of electricity arcing at the end of his words. You pulled a pillow over your face, trying to hide from the reaction you knew he’d have as his voice made you tighten around him. “Your body says otherwise,” he hissed.
You wanted to say ‘yes’, if this could feel good then how great would all of him feel? But you were scared to vocalize it. Scared to make it start. Alastor lifted the pillow, “I need to see you, dear.” He set it beside his leg, “Do you remember what I said earlier?”
Brow furrowed, you shook your head. His grin widened to his ears as his hands slid down your thighs to your hips and he sank his cock to the hilt.
The element of surprise definitely made the nerves of saying ‘yes’ dissipate, but you were now choking on your breath, hands gripping at the blankets beneath you. Was this normal? Was he too far inside you? You felt nauseous, your guts prodded by Alastor’s member.
“How does it feel now?” He watched your eyes scanning the ceiling for an answer. You felt sure there was no way his head could leave you ever again. It was so snuggly fit in you, you feared you’d be pulled inside out. “Words, dear.”
You sat up on your elbows, sweating from the nerves of it all. “Like there’s a big stick stuck in me.”
“Accurate!” He laughed, and began pulling out. You whined, head dropping back. Almost taking himself out completely, he paused before thrusting back in. The head of his cock dragged against your walls, you could feel him with such detail. Every inch of him leaving impressions behind. Alastor could feel it too, how your soft warmth moved out of his way with every push. How pliable your womb was to his intrusions.
More. You could take more, he was positive of it.
Slowly, your moans began to get louder as the pressure faded into pleasure. Every time he bottomed out, you jumped. Every time he pulled out, you wanted to chase after him with your hips.
Watching your face soften, eyes now watery, Alastor was sure you were relaxed enough. He grabbed the pillow beside him, lifting your ass and sliding it under the small of your back. You didn’t ask, just waited to see what the point was. Dissatisfied, he grabbed another and added it under you.
Your hips were up, ass hanging over the ledge the pillows made, back bent upward. When he began to thrust again, you whinced feeling a new part of you widen for him. “Can you see me?” You looked at him when he said it, but he grabbed your hand and placed it beneath your belly button. When he pushed back in, you could feel his cock beneath your hand. Moving it, you watched your stomach bulge slightly when he was completely sheathed in you.
“Oh fuck-,” your head fell back into the bed, it was too much to feel let alone to watch, “Too deep.”
He hummed an acknowledgement, picking up his pace. “Let me see how you cum.”
Your face was hot, reluctantly bringing your hand to your clit and rubbing.
No, this wasn’t a mistake at all. If anything you regretted not asking sooner.
His thrusts now brought lightning to your core, your finger quickening in speed with the realization of just how good he could feel.
Studying your face still, he adjusted his angle until he saw the muscles in your neck tighten. He knew he found your g-spot, your moans dipping into cries.
“I can’t—,” You couldn’t get over the hump, knowing he was watching you, waiting for you.
“You can”, the lights flickered, his eyes now black with small red pupils illuminating your naked body, “and you will, my dear.” One of his hands stopped pressing finger sized bruises into your hips to instead push your own finger aside. The wide pad of his thumb took over and began thrumming you fast and hard.
That familiar build up of pleasure was stronger than you’d ever felt it, and when it finally snapped your muscles from your thighs to your toes cramped. How long had you been tensing?
You practically sobbed into the crook of your arm, Alastor’s hips slowing but still carrying you through your orgasm. They moved slower and slower, until stopping entirely. His head popped out of you, leaving you feeling hollow. Cold.
Eyes wet and blurry, you looked up at him, “Aren’t you going to finish?”
“If we do everything now, what ‘first’ will we have for tomorrow night? And the night after that?” He smiled, member already hidden away and pants buttoned. Your thighs twitched. “Same time tomorrow, little doe?”
You covered your face with both hands, and nodded.
His big hand came to your head and patted you gently, “Good girl.”
I hope you liked it 🥺 I don’t feel as confident about this one. Fun fact, my first time involved bondage. Very on brand, huh? 💖
༻Masterlist༺
Gonna start calling his dick ‘the element of surprise’. You look tired today! What happened? Oh the element of surprise kept me up all night.
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