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birdsandspades · 4 years

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I Was Never Really Good at Waiting (Sugawara X Reader) Chapter 7

- It was your last year in highschool, everything had been going smoothly until you got assigned the new teacher. Sugawara Koushi was handsome, maybe too handsome for his own good. Be he wasn't flirting with you right, teachers shouldn't do that....I guess we will see where this year goes.

Word Count - 5,311

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“Ok, so I just pulled the cakes out of the oven, what next?” You had the phone pressed between your cheek and shoulder as you carefully flipped the cakes upside down onto the cooling rack.

“Now, did you make the cream already?” Oikawa’s voice sounded far away, somewhere amongst the rest of his teammates.

You had called him during practice, desperate for his mother's strawberry cake recipe. She had made it a long time ago, a special treat for all the times you sat with Oikawa late at practice. Even after all these years you still remembered the taste. Tart strawberries, rich crème fraîche, soft sponge cake, light whipped cream. She had a way of making it taste like so much more than just a cake. You craved it sometimes, late at night as you watched the car lights ghost over your bedroom ceiling. Craved the memories too, when your parents had been home more. When Oikawa was still in highschool, just a simple bus ride away. When boys weren't a problem, especially confusing boys who teach your homeroom class.

Yes, and I cut the strawberries…” You were now grabbing the multiple bowls of already prepped ingredients out of the fridge, kicking the door closed before setting them down on the kitchen island. “And the syrup is cooled down now as well.” You shifted the phone to your other ear as you looked through the cabinets for a cooking brush.

A loud smack sounded from the other side of the phone. “Nice kill Oikawa!” What sounded like high fives echoed, a chorus of praise for their star player.

“Ok, so once the cakes are cooled, cut them like you usually do. Brush a good amount of syrup on them before you spread the crème fraîche, and space the strawberries throughout it. Follow with the whipped cream on top and that should be it.” He had committed the recipe to memory, having made it with his mother at least a hundred times.

“Thats simple enough, but what about all the chocolate you made me buy?” You picked up the unopened bar.

“Oh that's for me, that new horror movie came out last week! Let's rent it and have a sleepover F/N-chan.” You could hear him take you off speaker phone, waiting for your answer.

“Goodbye Tooru.” You chuckled as you hung up the phone. “That jerk made me buy the expensive stuff too.”

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It was now Monday morning, the weekend passing by at an excruciating slow pace. The cake sat atop your counter for what seemed like an eternity. You had woken up early for school, wanting to make it before Sugawara did. An hour early would have sufficed, but your body decided on two. The sky was still dark when you left your house, cake in tow. Most people would think the station would be empty this early in the morning. But it had never been busier. You thought falling asleep last night was hard, but getting the cake to school in one piece may be your most daunting task yet. But after three ‘’almost drops’’, two grubby hands, and one very pushy man. You had finally managed to get the cake to the front gates of the school, all missteps avoided.

Sneaking into his office you turned on the lights, completely empty. “ Ok so I'll leave the cake here ,and this note. He should be so overjoyed by this cake that he’ll forget about even wanting to talk to me in the first place.” It was foolproof. You set the cake on the desk, repositioning it a few times. It had to be perfect to work, and god you wanted it to work. Once pleased with the placement you turned off the light, closing the office door behind you.

You spent the extra hour before school in the library, tucked away in the political section at the back of the room. The secluded table was the perfect place to catch up on some sleep. Sending a text to Yua to wake you up when she got to school, you laid your head down on a pile of textbooks. Drifting off as the librarians set up for the morning.

You were jolted awake, looking around the partially empty rows of bookshelves. A small snicker above you turned your attention towards the ceiling, Yua stood above you on the table. She bit her lip, trying to stop the laugh that threatened to escape. Stepping down from the table, she bent over to pick up the textbook she had just dropped.

“I’m sorry F/n-chan, but it was so tempting.” Hiroto laughed, his hand on your back.

A librarian peaked their head around the corner of the geography section, scowling your way. She raised a long finger to her lips, shushing you and your friends harshly before disappearing behind the bookshelf.

“I’ll remember that next time.” You picked up your bag, swinging it at Yua as you placed it on the table.

“Really F/N-chan, you should have seen your face!” Yua’s laugh grew loud, holding her sides as she leaned against the table.

You mocked her laugh, zipping your bag closed. “Come on, let's go to class before Yua makes another librarian mad.” You gave Yua a light push, rolling your eyes at her sorry attempts at an apology.

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The office door was ajar as you made your way to your seat, eyes locked on the light that leaked out the open space. “Any minute now, he’s gonna walk out of that office with a smile on his face, and i’ll be totally off the hook.” The bell rang and everyone quieted down for the lesson to begin. The light behind the door turned off as Sugawara walked out. He held a fresh cup of coffee in one hand, steam trailing off the brim as he made his way to the front of the room.

“Good morning class, I hope you had a good weekend.” He gave the students a gentle smile as he picked up a stack of papers. He looked your way, his grip tightening on the handle of the cup. “L/N-san, the attendance please.” His mouth twitched as he tried to hold his smile.

“Maybe he didn’t see the cake yet, yeah that's why he's giving you that look.” You made your way to his desk, reaching over to take the papers from his hand. You pulled, but they wouldn’t budge. Looking up, you tried to meet him with a smile, wavering when your eyes met his.

He tightened his grip watching you struggle to pull the papers from his hands.

You glared up at him now, tugging again. Sugawara let go suddenly, smirking as you stumbled backwards slightly. You turned your back to him, taking a step away from the desk as he loomed over your shoulder as you took the morning attendance.

You quickly set the attendance on his desk before walking to your assigned seat, not daring to look back at him again. For the rest of the class you continued this, even refusing your college counciling for the day. Before long the class ended and he packed up his things to leave.

“If I just avoid him, forever, maybe he will forget about it...”, and that was just what you planned on doing. You had packed up your bag early into your third period, hoping to make it to the door before he came into the room for the lunch period.

You watched as the minutes ticked by, edging closer to the end of your seat. When the bell rang you were up in a matter of seconds, pushing your way into the middle of the group of students walking out the door. Your foot was about to cross the threshold when something firm tugged on your bags strap, pulling you back.

You looked up at Sugawara, his hand was firmly around your strap as he waved goodbye to the students.

“Have a good lunch, i’ll see you soon!” He smiled, pulling you closer as you tried to wiggle free.

“Are you coming F/N-chan?” Hiroto smiled weakly as he looked between you and your teacher.

“I’m going to borrow L/N-san for the lunch period so we can look over some college exam prep.” His smile was gentle, sickeningly sweet.

“OK, we'll see you after lunch...” Your friends waved you a slightly confused goodbye, looked back at you as they made their way down the hallway.

Sugawara slid the classroom door close before turning to you. “It sure was weird to see a cake on my desk this morning, did you make it?” He walked you over to a desk, nodding for you to sit down. He sat down on the top, peering down at you with that same offputting smile.

“Yeah, you asked me to make you one, so I did.” You smiled innocently at him, praying for a break.

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with Saturday would it?” He tilted his head to the side with an amused look.

“Of course not!” You awkwardly chuckled as you waved off the notion.

“Because it kind of seemed like a bribe…” He stood up, boxing you into your seat.

“Why would you say that sensei?” You were looking at the ground now, burning the braided seams of his black leather shoes into your mind.

“Because it had a note that said “Sorry, sad face”, you really wrote “Sorry, sad face“.” He signed, shaking his head. He knew it was an honest attempt at an apology note, at least from you.

“I was pretty sure it was gonna work too.” You laughed at the disappointed look on his face.

He sighed, walking to his office.

You followed behind, timid steps as you peaked inside. He was already sat down on the couch, ready for the talk he had promised you.

He motioned for you to sit down next to him.

You took the seat, uncomfortably sinking into the cushion.

“I’m not going to tell anyone about Saturday L/N-san.” Sugawara leaned forward, meeting your nervous stare.

Your mouth dropped open, but before you could speak Sugawara placed a finger to your lips.

“If you let me come to your next concert to meet your band members. I don’t really feel safe knowing you're out with a bunch of older guys, playing in bars, dressed like that.” His mind trailed off as his cheeks heated up. “I just want to make sure you're safe, and if you are, I won’t say anything.” He looked at you sincerely before taking your hand in his. “I just don’t want anything to happen to you. I would hate myself if I let you continue doing this and you ended up not coming home, or worse.” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, “Just do it for me, please.”

You looked down at your hand in his, his thumb pressing softly into your knuckle as he squeezed it. You liked the warmth, but it wasn’t enough. You leaned over, resting your forehead against his chest.

His breath hitched as he looked down at you pressed against him.

You waited a moment before reaching up, circling your arms around his frame. You pulled yourself closer, your cheek now flush against his chest.

His own hands hovering over you, retracting as he brushed over your hair. He inched forward again, letting his palms graze your sweater before wrapping his arms around you. He was reaching his limits with you.

Sugawara was warm, the white cotton button up he wore soaking up his scent. It was clean and sharp. Images of freshly washed linens, hung up to dry on a wire outside on a breezy day. Early morning hikes through the forest during a spring shower, and walking barefoot through fields of white flowers and tall green grass crossed your mind as you took it in. The warmth he emitted was comparable to a hot shower after a long day, it enveloped you, sunk into your skin. His hold was firm, molding to you as you relaxed into his chest.

He laid his head softly atop of yours, closing his eyes. You stayed like this for a while, no one wanting to be the first to let go. Running his hand down your back, he reluctantly pulled away.

You could feel tears threatening your eyes as you looked up at Sugawara. The first few cascaded down your cheeks, dropping onto your white knuckles. In each fist was a section of your sweater, your fingers kneading into the plush fabric as you chewed at your lip.

“F/N, why are you crying?” Sugawara cooed, tilting his head.

You shook your own, trying to hide your sorry state from his prying eyes.

Soft hands cupped either side of your face, tilting your gaze up to him. “What's wrong, did I say something to upset you?”

You shook your head again, “No sensei. It’s just nice hearing those words come from you.”

“That I worry about you?” He gave you an amused smile, his head tilted in confusion. You nodded as he wiped away a stray tear with his thumb. “Well, you are an absolute mess. It's hard not too.” He leaned in slightly, his sweet tone masking the teasing words.

“Sensei, you're so rude.” You shakily laughed, rubbing your eyes with your sweater sleeve.

He smiled at you before ruffling your hair, “No more tears, ok?”

You nodded, watching him stand up.

“Give me your cell phone.” He wiggled the fingers on his free hand, opening it towards you.

You looked up at him quizzically, fishing it out of your pockets. You set it in his hand, your hold on it lingering before letting it go.

“I’m going to give you my number. Once you know when your next concert is I need you to text me the details ok.” He nodded, waiting for you to follow.

You gave him the acknowledgement he wanted, watching his slender fingers glide along the screen as he imputed his number.

“This is also for emergencies, so if anything ever happens. You call me and I will come get you. Any time, any place, I'll always come.” Sugawara extended your phone to you.

You nodded again, taking the phone from his hand. “Thank you sensei.” You looked at the contact still on the screen. He had written his full name. “You have a nice first name sensei….Koushi...” You repeated his name to yourself as you ran your finger over the screen.

He bit his lip at the mention of his name, something he wasn’t used to hearing come from your own. You had said it as he was leaving on Saturday, but it felt different now. That night it was rushed, muddled by the previous attempt to call him by his proper honorifics. It was sweet now, the syllables sounding more melodic as you spoke them. He felt the blood rush to his head, leaning against the desk for stability. He grabbed the edge, fingers digging into the wood as his legs failed him.

The bell rang, turning your attention to the door, and his towards you.

“I’m going to go take my seat sensei.” You looked back to him, standing up.

“Ok, yeah go sit down. I just need to finish something.” Sugawara waved you off with a shaky hand.

“You don’t look so good, are you ok?” You took a step towards him, frantically looking over the flushed man.

“Yes, low blood sugar. Go, desk, now!” He turned you around, giving you a solid push out of his office.

You turned around, face greeted with a closing door. “Maybe he should have eaten more than just cake.” You chuckled lightly, students starting to make their way into the classroom.

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Class wrapped up for the day as english came to an end. “I still don’t get how you're so good at english. I told the teacher I was a baked potato during our oral exam. She didn’t even laugh.” Yua looked defeated as she held her failed exam paper in her hand.

“At least you got out an actual sentence, I just said “I Hiroto soccer happy.” She definitely laughed at me...” The poor boy didn’t even score in double digits.

“I told you guys, it's because I already know English.” You laughed as you placed your books into your bag. “I was born in America, it was my first language.”

Yua scratched her head as she recalled you saying that once or twice before. “Isn’t that kinda unfair…?”

“Let's walk home together since practice was cancelled on account of the weather!” Hiroto had grabbed both you and Yua's hands as he pulled you to the door.

They had called off all after school activities after lunch, the severe weather warning coming soon after on the P.A system. The forecast had called for light showers, but the thick grey clouds hinted towards the heavier alternative.

“I can’t, Sugawara-senpai is tutoring me today.” You gave your friends a sheepish smile. You hadn’t walked home with them in weeks. Everyday a new excuse.

“I didn’t know you started those again…” Yua frowned, letting go of Hiroto’s hand.

“We talked, and decided it was best to keep going with them. I failed that last math exam.” You scratched the back of your head, laughing.

“Ok...See you later I guess.” Yua slowly nodded, pulling Hiroto’s arm as she started down the hallway. The sweet boy waving a sad goodbye as he fought to keep up with her pace.

You tried your best to ignore the pit in your stomach, walking towards the office door. You reached up to knock, the door opening as your knuckles grazed the wood.

Sugawara walked out of the now open door, stopping just shy of running you over. “L/N-san, what's up?” He smiled, squeezing past you. He held your confused stare, mentally slapping himself as he connected the drawn out dots. He had completely forgotten that you had planned on starting up your tutoring sessions again. Too consumed with his other work.

“If you're busy today I can go home senpai.” You could tell from the look lingering on his face that today may not be the best.

He shook his head and smiled.“ Let me just go get some coffee and I'll be right back.” He disappeared just as quickly as he had opened the door, practically running down the hallway.

You took a seat at your desk, waiting patiently for him to return.

----

You had been working on math problems for almost two hours, watching as the weather got progressively worse outside. Sugawara sat in front of you as he watched your work.

“It sure is coming down, I hope it doesn't flood.” Sugawara was looking out the window at the heavy rainfall. A sheet of water running down the glass. A flash of lightning lit up the sky, a thunder crack rattled the desks as the lights in the school shut off. Sugawara walked over to the switch on the wall, flipping it a few times before sighing. “I guess it's a sign for us to call it a day.” He turned back to you, extending his hand for you to take. “It’s dark, let me walk you to the front.”

You took it gingerly, letting him guide you out of the classroom. The rows of windows illuminated the path before the two of you once you made it into the hallway. No more need for guidance as you let go of Sugawara's hand. You could see the hints of red tinting his skin, writing it off as the lingering sun peaking through the windows.

You walked down the dark hallway together, his hand ghosting your back as you made your way down the staircase, step by slow step. The soft chatter of a distant phone call perked your ears as you rounded the corner to the front office.

Sugawara leaned against the front desk, waiting for the woman to finish her call. He looked at you briefly, the slight squeeze on his heart turning him away. You had your hands pressed up against the glass window, watching the puddles forming in the courtyard. Your breath leaving small circles on the glass as you stood up on your tiptoes, fingers on the ledge as you balance yourself. You were smaller than the majority of your class, everything just seemed so big compared to you. Even the large window, the connecting bar placed perfectly at eye level.

“Sorry Sugawara, it looks like a falling tree hit one of our power lines. The company should be here tonight to fix it, you two should head home.” The office lady set down her phone, turning in her chair to face Sugawara.

“Ok, well good luck tonight.” Sugawara laughed, turning to you. “I guess that's the end of our tutoring session today. Let’s head home.”

You nodded, it was getting late and you still had a few train rides home.

Sugawara fished his keys out of his pocket as he walked to the front door. “Are you coming?” He questioned as he held the door open. The rainfall was deafening making it hard to pick up his voice over the static noise.

“No, I'm going to wait out the rain for a bit. I don’t have an umbrella for my walk to the station.” You waved him off as you leaned against the window.

“The train station is a twenty minute walk from here, you’ll get sick trying to walk home in that. Let me drive you home.” Sugawara unzipped his coat, pulling the sleeve off his arms. He wrapped it around you, holding it open for you to slide your arms inside.

“Really it's ok senpai, I can wait.” You smiled trying to slip out, Sugawara guiding your arms into the sleeves.

Once he got you situated in the coat, he zipped it up to your neck. “Let’s go!” He smiled, holding the door open for you.

You ran next to each other through the courtyard, his car parked in the courtyard on the far side of the school gates. Once you had made it he unlocked the car, opening your door for you to get inside. He waited for you to sit down, closing the door softly before running to the driver's side door. Crawling inside he closed the door and laughed. “Wow, it's really coming down! I'm soaked!” He ran a hand over his now opaque button up. The fabric clinging to the outlines of his body. The hours he had spent on the volleyball court were apparent, that was certain. He unbuttoned his shirt, setting it in the back seat. His white t-shirt wasn’t in much better condition, clinging to arms as he looked for something in the back seat.

You watched a drop of water drip off his hair down his cheek. Tracing the outline of his jaw, down the curves of his slender neck, and across his exposed collar bone before disappearing into his shirt.

“Here, for your hair.” Sugawara sat back in his seat, two towels in hand.

You stared at them, brain fried at the thoughts running through your mind.

He laughed before leaning over the center console, gently wiping the water off of your face before laying the towel over your head. “Put your address into my GPS.” He was now drying himself, wiping the excess water from his hair as he started the car and turned on the heated seats.

“I’m sorry it's so far senpai.” You frowned, starting the route.

“That's not far at all. I think you're maybe four blocks down the road from my own apartment.” He smiled, turning around as he pulled out of the parking lot.

“Are you warm enough?” He placed the back of his hand on your cheek. “Still kinda cold, I'll turn up the heat.” He pressed the button on the dash a few times, the air kicking on.

You stayed quiet, watching the lights pass by your window as he speeded down the freeway. The sun starting to tuck behind the skyline of the city.

He couldn’t help but watch you out of the corner of his eye. You were tracing the outlines of the sunset on the foggy window. Your fingers looked so small peeking out from his clearly too large coat. He hoped it smelled at least a little bit like you when you gave it back. Like daisies and spice. It was fitting to him, a lot like your personality.

“Do you want to play some music? We still have a half hour or so to go.” He handed you the cord as he switched the station.

“I’m not sure you’ll like my music sensei...” You blushed, but he insisted.

“I listen to just about anything.” He flashed you a sweet grin before turning his eyes back to the road. That was a lie, he was very particular about his music. But he wanted to know what you listened to.

You plugged your phone in and browsed your collection. “Well, I do have this one.” You shuffled the songs and sank into your seat, watching his reaction to the playlist you had made for him. You had made it after the day at the nurses office, and slowly added to it as time went on. Just a collection of songs that reminded you of him.

He seemed to enjoy it, tapping his finger along with the songs as he watched the road. “You have a lot of english music, do you speak it?” He looked to you as the next song started.

“Um, yeah. I was actually born in America. I moved with my parents in kindergarten. They both had job opportunities and I was already learning Japanese so it just worked out.” You were happy most of the school didn’t know of your foreign upbringing. It made passing your “second” language class all that much easier.

“What do your parents do?” Sugawara turned off the freeway, easing to a stop at the red light at the end of the exit.

“Well my dad travels a lot. He’s a wildlife photographer, and my moms a professor at Tokyo University.” You watched the timer on the crosswalk tick down, cars rushing past.

“That's a long commute.” The light turned green and Sugawara lightly pressed the gas.

“She lives in Tokyo with my grandfather. He got really sick after my grandma died, so she stays with him.” It was a commonly known fact at the school that you lived alone. Your parents had told the school when you started first year, just for safety purposes. You found out later that a lot of the older students lived alone. Their parents renting apartments for them so they could focus on their studies.

“So you're all alone at home?” Sugawara always hated the thought of students living alone, especially you.

“Well not all the time. Iwa-chan visits me alot, and Oikawa comes over when he's home.” It made your heart skip a beat when he worried about you like this.

“As long as you're safe...If you ever feel uneasy you can call me, I'm just a short drive away.” Sugawara flipped on his blinker, waiting for his turn to merge onto the next street.

“Thank you senpai, I really appreciate it.” You reached your hand out, placing it on his forearm. You gave it a soft squeeze before returning your hands to your lap.

He wished the contact lasted long, the warmth already leaving his skin. He wanted to reach for your hand, hold it in his own as he drove. He wanted to rub small circles on the back of it, feeling over the veins and tendons, commit them to memory. They were so warm, even with the brief contact. He really did live for these moments with you, where the teacher/student boundaries broke down and he could just be near you, savor the atmosphere. He couldn’t tell if it was the rain, the music, the close proximity, or just how much he missed talking to you. But he had that feeling again, the longing to reach out and touch you. He looked down to your lips, soft and plump. They were his favorite shade of rosy pink. He hated to admit it, it was cheesy, but nothing described how he felt quite the same way.

“Do you like the playlist?” You blushed, had he been aware how long he had been staring at you?

His eyes watched as your lips formed to the words you spoke. A car horn behind him finally turned his attention away from your lovely gaze. How long had he been sitting in the turning lane? He looked down both sides of the road before finally turning into the road. “Yeah, I do. Did you have a theme in mind when you made it?”

“Love…” You looked down at your phone, flicking through the tracks of the playlist.

His eyes widened slightly at your response. He knew it was a collection of love songs, he had most of these on his own playlists. But to hear you say it, it made his heart squeeze. “Can you send me it?”

You nodded, pulling up Sugawara’s contact name. You looked over his full name for a moment before pressing send on the message.

A few seconds later his own phone vibrated in his cup holder, your number popping up on the screen.

Your house was coming into view as he drove down the street.“It’s the white house, brown roof.” You pointed to the one with the porch light on, the driveway empty.

He pulled in, putting the car in park. “Well, we made it.” He smiled, reaching his arm around you to rest on the back of your seat.

“Thank you so much senpai, I'll make it up to you I promise.” You giggled, happy to have made it home relatively dry.

“You don’t need to worry about it, I don’t mind helping you.” He looked down at you, eyes softening as he met yours. The deep hazel was unreadable as he searched over your own.

You looked over his soft features, admiring the way he looked in the dim light of the sunset. You could see the soft reds and pinks reflected in his eyes, the warm hues matching the ones creeping over the bridge of your nose. Your eyes traveled down, lingering on his lips. Watching them part slightly as he shifted in his seat.

He leaned in slightly, eyes never leaving your own. Stopping just shy of your lips, his breath ghosting over the tingling skin.

Your heartbeat quickened as you took in a shaky breath. You closed your eyes ,leaning in. Your lips were cold, nothing but air brushing past them. Opening your eyes you were met with a sad smile, Sugawara sitting back in his seat.

“Good night L/N-san. Please get inside safely.” Sugawara looked down at the steering wheel, tightening his grip on the leather. The pressure in his chest grew as he avoided your looks.

Your heart dropped at the lost opportunity. You got out of the car, stripping yourself of his coat. Folding it over itself, you set in in your seat before closing the door.

Sugawara watched you walk up your front steps, waiting as you opened the door. He wanted to see you turn on at least one light, just to prove you were safely inside.

You turned off the porch light instead.

He drove home, biting back the tears that lined his eyes.

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Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

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*Hi, me again! I actually made a playlist for this chapter. If you want to listen to it I provided a link! *

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/35WHmMJAgINCRrYzeJ3sQo?si=YfB0nGypRh63DZgOuDgMEg

24 notes · View notes

dietraumerei · 5 years

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2018 Books - Part 3

Or: My Little House on the Prairie Phase

So it all started with reading Wendy McLure’s The Wilder Life, which is her musing about the Little House books and following, a little, in Laura’s footsteps -- or rather, exploring what Little House things she could do, and recapture how the books made her feel. I’ve loved Wendy’s writing for a long time and I loved the Little House books and I read basically all of this on a flight to Seattle to look for apartments, so the American myth of striking out West was...a thing that I suddenly got.

Okay, this book is good, and I loved it, and I loved hearing about her quest for the Laura life in a funny, good-natured, not-prepper way. It really resounded with me, and also really got me on a roll!

I’d read the first two Little House books in 2017, so kind of leapt in with On the Banks of Plum Creek, By the Shores of Silver Lake, The Long Winter, Farmer Boy, Little Town on the Prairie and These Happy Golden Years. Just a few of my observations (ugh this is why I’m doing stuff as I read this year, I had so many thoughts! I know I did!):

Laura’s writing is really, really, really beautiful and evocative. I want to spend the night alone on the prairie, to see what she saw. The books, language-wise and describing the landscape that’s changing and vanishing as Laura watches, are exquisitely written.

Laura’s pretty racist.

Ma is SUPER RACIST. Like, really deeply hates Natives and is also creepily libertarian (no I don’t think it was Rose, I think it was just that Ma was the racist, weird, super-boring Ayn Rand of the prairies.)

I skipped the scene with Pa in blackface because to say it’s uncomfortable is putting things lightly.

Mary’s kind of a drip.

My goodness they’re manifest destiny-licious.

The books definitely get worse as the series goes on. These Happy Golden Years is more a series of vignettes that answer questions like ‘what do you do at a house party in a small town in the middle of South Dakota?’ The Long Winter is still a grinding read and also CAP GARLAND.

Okay, so I don’t believe that Rose wrote the books, but honestly both she and her mother were just assholes about Independence and Taking Care of Ourselves and Not Helping Anyone even though they both got a shit ton of governmental assistance IN ADDITION TO STEALING LAND I MIGHT ADD and anyway these books are creepily libertarian. There’s a lot of weird subtext about being Free and how Farmers are the Best, and it’s just very, very weird and offputting.

Which leads me neatly into one of the best books I read last year, Prairie Fires. Caroline Fraser wrote the book I would have given my eyeteeth for as an obsessed Laura fan. This is a meticulous tracing of the routes Laura’s family actually took, and how they moved around and the greater world around them at the time. And then, of course, it’s the rest of Laura’s life, and it kind of turns into an accidental biography of Rose Wilder Lane, too? And Laura was pretty awful (Almanzo is basically the only person to come off well by the end, actually), and probably lived in a sundown town and was a massive asshole about kind of everything, but Rose. ROSE WAS THE WORST YOU GUYS. Rose was probably, at best, mentally ill and deeply untreated but also ROSE’S PERSONALITY IS ASSHOLE. Ohhhhh my goddddddd this book was so good.

Anyway, you should read it, and you should also read Ana Mardoll’s livetweet of her read of the book (the non-tweet collection starts here) which is GENIUS.

Oh apparently I also read Laura Ingalls Wilder: A Writer’s Life which I have no memory of probably because it was not openly juicy and full of tea.

(Also you can find videos on YouTube of Wendy McClure’s talks while she was promoting her book and they are delightful. I also found a really good one from someone who had done research into Mary’s life at the Iowa School for the Blind and that was really cool too.)

Anyway, in conclusion, the Little House books mean a lot to me but they define Problematic and honestly I’m not sure I’d give them to a child to read.

ETA: whoops, apparently Ana Mardoll is doing a Prairie Fires re-read! The link goes to her first read, but honestly I am very very excited about the re-read too!

#2018 books

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llionheartcd · 6 years

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HAPPY AND SAD FOR BO 🎲 🎲 HAPPY AND SAD FOR KYLE 🎲 🎲 AND ONE MORE FOR NICK 🎲 DR O W N (u don't gotta do em all in one post fjjfdklfh)

Send 🎲 for a random drabble

“Curiosity killed the cat. Have you ever heard that phrase, Nickolas?”

Was that why the king wanted to see him? To ask him that? That couldn’t be right. The tired smile Ralph wore, a crack in his stone statue of a face that didn’t fit well with his dead brown eyes. Nick had never seen them so cold, but he decided to dismiss it. Maybe the low lighting was causing him to see things. His offputting eyes aside, there was still much more on the king’s mind, which was great because there was a lot on Nick’s too. Mostly questions about Kyle, questions about Stonewall. The same things that he had been thinking about for weeks now. Even while he was cleaning, he found himself wondering if the rumors about that place were true. Even at night, when his blankets were pulled up to his chin, he felt a shiver at the thought of that poor boy enduring hardships that he could only hope were fake. Nick was actually glad that he got the opportunity to talk to Ralph. He had been meaning to ask him a few things.

“I have, your highness.” He offered a small smile. “But the rest of the phrase is that satisfaction brought the dead cat back to life.”

“That is the rest of it, isn’t it?” A short chuckle, a long sigh. “It’s a shame that life doesn’t actually work that way. If something happened to someone simply because they were curious, I’m certain satisfaction wouldn’t save them or bring them back to life.”

The king sure was putting a lot of thought into a phrase. “Curiosity’s not a bad thing. I’ve never heard of it getting someone killed.”

Another crack, his left eyebrow raising. “You haven’t?” Ralph stood from his desk, stretched his arms, legs, and back. How long had he just been sitting there like that? Nick knew he wouldn’t like the answer so he didn’t ask. “You seem to be very interested in Kyle, Nickolas.”

“I’m worried about him. I just want to make sure he’s safe.” Confident, bold, even when face to face with a king. Nick felt an out of place memory creep into his head. A smile on his mother’s face, her soft hands pushing back a few locks of his brown hair. Her words were muffled, drowned. She said something about him always being worried about others. What did she say after that? Why was she coming to mind at a time like this? He should give her a call soon.

“I’m aware of your concern over him, and I admire it quite a bit. However, I’m getting annoyed with your actions as of late. I heard you’ve been questioning people about things they’ve never even heard of. Your prying is disturbing your fellow servants, and now it’s disturbing me.”

Ah, so he was in trouble for asking people if they’ve ever heard of Stonewall. Nick didn’t want to disturb anyone, but if he had to make a fuss to protect another person, he’d do it. A question came to mind. “Your royal highness, your majesty. What am I doing wrong exactly?”

Ralph moved from behind his desk. Big, slow steps. Nick wasn’t drawn to his feet, his arms, his face. Only his eyes. His mother taught him that if he demanded an answer, the eyes were the best place to look. They were the window to the soul. They showed things the mind was unable to hide. Nick didn’t see any humanity in his brown pupils though. He wondered if he should be worried.

Just as he thought that, an arm wrapped around his shoulder. It suddenly pulled him close until he was pressed up against his king’s side. He enjoyed physical contact as much as the next guy, if not a little bit more (he was a touchy-feely guy, sue him), but this didn’t feel right. Ralph’s icy touch froze his shoulder blade.

The king chuckled again, and Nick felt something uncomfortable in his stomach. “What did we just discuss, Nickolas? Curiosity killed the cat, and satisfaction can’t bring it back. Satisfaction can’t bring back the cat’s new friend either. Satisfaction can’t bring back anyone. So if I were you, I’d choose what I’m curious about wisely.”

Nick noticed them walking towards the doors. Was the king kicking him out? No, no, that wasn’t what he should be focusing on. What actually bothered him was the cat and who it was meant to represent. What terrified him was the mention of the cat’s new friend.

“I-Is that a threat?”

“Of course not!” A jagged smile, emotionless and dead. Just a crack in a statue. “We’re talking about cats, remember? It’s a phrase. You’ve heard it before. You said so yourself.”

Ralph would never threaten him. He’d never threaten anybody. He was the king! He’d never do that, right? A light shove pushed him from his side and into the doors. That felt like an accident, but he never apologized. “Y-Your highness?”

“Yes, Nickolas?”

There was a bit of hesitation. He mulled over his words, thought about his eyes. If the threat was just on him, Nick wouldn’t have cared. Why would he care about something happening to him? Other people were the important ones. They were the ones he wanted to see happy, wanted to see smiling and safe. But the ‘cat’s new friend’ forced him to care. If his curiosity would endanger Kyle in any way, then it was best for him to keep it to himself. It was best that he keep everything about this to himself. Nick stared at his king in the dim lighting. There was a bad taste on his tongue. “I apologize for disturbing you and my fellow servants. I won’t ask again.”

“It’s alright, Nickolas. We should get back to work, you and I. I have a lot to do, so you should as well.”

“Yes, your highness.” He didn’t bother masking the disappointment, the fear, the confusion in his voice. He was never good at doing things like that. He’d have to learn. Nick put a hand on the door, tried to push it open, but a few words from Ralph stopped him for a moment.

“Don’t do anything foolish, Nickolas.”

Those words echoed in his head, even after he left the king’s workroom. Don’t do anything foolish. The king told him not to do anything stupid, he warned him not to fuck up. For his sake, for Kyle’s sake. What would he do? That was a question he asked himself as he stood dumbstruck in the hallway. What would he do to them? Ralph spoke of curiosity killing them, but he wouldn’t do that to them. He would never. He had always seemed so kind and trustworthy. How long had that malice been inside of those brown eyes of his?

“Mr. Nickolas!”

Nick nearly screamed. He couldn’t handle existing right now. He needed a few moments to process that meeting, process the person his king truly was. He was going to dismiss whoever called his name until he saw damaged grey eyes and blonde hair. All of his worries and fears took a backseat to Kyle.

“I-I told you, man, just Nick is fine.” He thought about placing a hand on Kyle’s shoulder but decided against it. Last time he did that, he frightened him. He’d wait until he was ready.

“I-I apologize. I-I had to find you. I appreciate all you’ve done to help me understand things that I should know, and I hate to burden you by asking you something else-”

“No, no, go ahead. Ask away, man. I already told you, you can ask me anything whenever. You’ll never burden me.”

“A-Alright. I don’t deserve your kindness, Mr. Nickolas.” Kyle spoke faster than Nick could correct him. “Someone approached me and asked me what was up. When I answered the next floor, they laughed at me. Did I say something amusing? I-I don’t understand.”

Oh wow. Oh wow, it was decided. It had been decided a long time ago, but now it was official. Hearing that from the short, nervous, robotic, buttoned-up boy in front of him made it official. Nick had to protect him. Nick had to protect Kyle. He was so pure and innocent. He didn’t deserve to be threatened by people like the king. He didn’t deserve whatever bad things that happened to him in the past. As long as Nick was around, he wouldn’t be hurt again. He silently swore it to himself.

“Don’t worry, Kyle.” Nick thought of the king’s threat, of his mother’s face, of Kyle’s past. How he managed to smile with all of that on his mind was beyond him. “I’ll explain it to you.”

#drabble #AND THUS THE KYLE ARMAD PROTECTION SQUAD WAS BORN #Kyle does eventually stop calling Nick Mr. Nickolas #Ralph got scared about Nick finding out that he purchased a human being? And his solution? Was to threaten him to throw him off the trail?#I mean I guess it worked so #I was so excited about writing this because this is what I meant when I said Ralph got annoyed with Nick bringing up the academy #There's so much talk of eyes here but Nick is such an eye contact guy #aestasetbruma

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kid-cooper · 6 years

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Being a trans kid..

When I was a kid I loved sports - I loved running around and hanging out with other guys. But in 2nd or 3rd grade, the boys started to exclude me from baseball during recess because they realized "girls have cooties". They would never pick me or cheer me on the teams, and the teacher had to ask them to include me. I justified my need to play baseball with the boys because I had a crush on one of boys, but that need was much deeper then that. I was a boy and I loved baseball so I knew I was supposed to fit in and be able to play with them.

I didnt buy clothes for girls until 6th grade, when I realized that I stood out because me and my younger brother shared clothes. I grew my hair out and wore pink and I constantly felt uncomfortable, but I figured it was just because I was shy.

I hated swimming as a kid, because in reality I loved the activity but I hated wearing girls bathing suits. For awhile I worse shirts and swim trunks over my one piece, but I stood out and was made fun of.

I remember seeing this cool girl who was a year above me. She had short blond hair and always wore cool boys clothes. She acted cool and boys liked her, and I knew I wanted to be jusy like her. I saw her, a senior, last year, and I think she maybe trans too.

When I was in middle school I got curves. I wore short skirts and a bra, and I got some attention from nerdy boys. I liked the attention, because I never felt like I was a girl, so people saying I looked pretty made me think that I was finally being a girl correctly.

I pushed away all thoughts of being a boy or even a tomboy. I started wearing makeup, I threw away all my boy clothes, I painted my room pink. I overacted, trying to compensate for the fact that I wasn't a girl in my heart by being overly girly to the rest of the world. I was scared to be a boy on the inside, so more then anything I was trying to convince myself I was a normal girl.

As a child I always identified with male cartoon characters. I really wanted to Beast Boy, and had a figure of him that I carried around everywhere. It was always weird because the other girls in my class identified with the girl characters in cartoons.

Me and my brother both got L L Beans brand backpacks that had animals and our initials embroidered on the back. My brother got a blue backpack with a dinosaur and I got a light blue one with a panda. I remember really wanting to get the red backpack that matched my brothers - for there were two "boy" options and two "girl" options for the backpacks. I hated that mine was a "girl" one, even though I liked the color.

I always dreamed of being really skinny, to the point where you couldnt see my curves or boobs. I figured it was because it was cute to be small, but in reality it was because I wanted to look like a sporty boy. I would work out and starve myself in 7th grade, on the outside saying I just wanted to be skinny so a boy would like me, but in my heart it was because I didn't want anymore feminine fat on my body.

Growing up transgender literally seeped into most of my experiences past the age of about 6. Being trans really sucks, because it takes away so many things that should have been simpler and fun. No matter what, there was always this deep uncomfortable feeling inside my heart that I could never place. All I knew was this it was offputting and what I was doing was all an act for myself.

Being trans is awful.

So to anybody who treats it like its a trend. To anybody who doesnt believe we exist or are legit. To anybody who doubts for one second that being trans is awful. Know that our experiences are real, complicated, and painful. Its not a choice, because nobody would chose to give up their childhood like that.

#transgender #trans #ftm #trans guy #afab #lgbt #im just so fed up with people who treat this like a joke when it has literally been ingrained in my life since i was a kid #fuck transtrenders or anybody else who uses this as some edgy new fad or title

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roughentumble · 6 years

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a freaky and disorienting thing is that ive realized that, as i accept more and more that i am a trans guy and thats ok, the more i sympathize w/ male characters that are just........ objectively The Worst. like i suffered through the ENTIRETY of Just Friends(2005) for Ryan Reynolds, and-- actually, hold on a sec, before i get back to the point i gotta take a quick sidebar to explain the pain, the TORTURE that is Just Friends, the 2005 film starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart, and written by Adam 'Tex' Davis.

i had to watch it muted for like 90% of the film. the intensity of the “cringe” aspect of this film that bills itself as a “cringe “”””comedy””””” was so off-the-charts that i physically could not stop myself from vocalizing my discomfort through groans and screeches. i would mute the film, turn the screen away, play on my phone for a minute because i literally could not handle seeing the rest of the scene, only to turn my computer back around and find it STILL ON THE EXACT SAME SCENE. i skipped entire swathes of the film. it literally got to the point that i could not handle what was happening and i just--

i gave up! i gave up and i just skipped forward until i found scenes i thought i could handle, or that featured two people Talking instead of some Event Happening, and i’d watch that, and then the scene would change and i’d be in Suffer Town again, population 1: me. Me is the only inhabitant of Suffer Town. so much of the movie hinges so thoroughly on like-- like. A Person Failing At A Thing They’re Good At. and it made me want to die. i think this movie gave me depression, on top of my preexisting depression. it squared my depression.

OKAY, back to my original point. or like, a mixture of explaining The Film, and explaining why my own reaction to it startled me so much. anyway.

so, ignoring the intense amount of Suffering you’ll have to live through if you’re bound and determined to watch ryan reynold’s entire filmography and you get to this monstrosity, the gist of the plot is thus: ryan reynolds plays a man who was a Stock Dweeb Character in high school. overweight, very low self-esteem, “uncool” hobbies, a very uncomfortable fixation on the one pretty girl who is nice to him and hangs out with him(who herself is dating a Stock Jerk Jock Football Player, who we’ll call SJJ, because I can’t remember his name and he doesn’t matter). on their graduation night they throw a party, he signs her yearbook with a Love Confession, and intends to give it to her.

something something The Yearbooks Accidentally Get Swapped, something something She Reads The Wrong Note And Goes “Um. Wtf My Dude????”. cue him going “NOO I DIDNT WRITE THAT WHAT? WHAT? WAIT OH NOOOO!!!”. cue him running downstairs and seeing SJJ reading his confession aloud to a chorus of twittering classmates.

so yeah, he’s embarrassed, the whole school’s laughing at him because of Course. he runs from the party yelling that he’s going to “be somebody” and also something about how the rest of them will never be anybody. ya’know. that usual thing you see Generic Stock Nerds saying when their feelings are real hurt in movies.

cut to the future. he looks like ryan reynolds in 2005, so, you know. Really Fucking Good. like, Only Reason To Watch This Garbage Film levels of good. like, They Should Have Given Him Shirtless Scenes As Payment For Me Sitting Through The Rest Of It kinda’ fine. anyway. he’s hot and beautiful and is a talent manager for celebrities. he’s all rich and attractive, and he’s a complete sack of garbage to women.

he’s actively horrified of the “friendzone”(im cringing right now just writing the word. its so awful) and he’s really not interested in women above a surface level. we see a woman at a bar who’s clearly his date telling him that he’s the Worst and that he needs to see women as people. as she talks he is disinterested at best. she walks away and another lady, who’s overheard the conversation, looks him up and down and decides she doesn’t really care what he’s like because he’s pretty, they flirt, and suddenly he’s been broken up with and acquired a NEW date in the span of about a minute of screentime.

he gets women basically wherever he goes, because he’s only really interested in a specific type of person and(i promise this is the last time i say it) because he looks like 2005 ryan reynolds.

so because of some Plot Devices, he ends up back in his hometown and unable to get a plane out. he sees SJJ who is now a washed-up drunkard who wears his old varsity jacket around because Of Course. ryan finds him offputting, as do i, and it’s one of the few nearly funny scenes in the film, just because i enjoy juxtaposition and so(despite it being the most boilerplate, run-of-the-mill, dull point to make in a film) it actually was something i didn’t hate to see.

he also sees Pretty Girl From High School. they semi-hit it off. she’s shocked that he looks Like That(i know i promised not to mention it again but it’s a legit plot point this time leave me alone), he’s shocked she still looks Like That. they agree to get food the next day.

ryan acts like a bit of a dick, name-dropping celebs he works with left and right, and getting really aggressive when a waitress drops off a plate of his old usual(a really fattening pancake... thing. it looked gross tbqh.) and like, ok, so, i just, here’s where i--

okay. okay. okay. okay. in Ye Olde Days, i wouldve written him off as a douche, and hated him, and, i. i

i couldnt help but, feel, SO bad for him???? like. okay. he just. he had NO self-esteem as a teen. he felt extremely bad about himself, for a TON of reasons, so he literally ran away and reinvented himself entirely and, found a marginal amount of enjoyment from his life???? like, was he happy? no. but he was... he hated himself a little less maybe? he worked really hard to feel good about his body, he worked really hard to get a job he felt any semblance of pride in, he worked REALLY hard to eventually get to a place where he could feel... literally anything positive at any point. he genuinely truly put in real effort to become healthy and have a good career.

and then he, he gets stuck back at his old house, and people are trying to force him to eat food that makes him feel awful and then mocking him when he gets defensive about it, he gets injured and needs to go back to wearing his retainer again, he openly fails at a BUNCH of stuff that he’s specifically been working REALLY FUCKIN HARD AT, for YEARS, because he was insecure about being bad at it in high school(like ice skating, he’s really good at it now because he sucked in high school and he wanted to overcome that), and then also receives more mocking for failing at it, and. you just.

you’re watching someone who was at the bottom of a pit of despair, who clawed tooth and nail at the clay walls of their misery-prison in order to haul themselves all the way up to the lofty height of “misery pit again, but different this time”, as they get caught in a downpour that completely erases all their progress and they slide right back to where they started. you see him completely regress and it K I L L E D me. he gets stuck back in a place where every single flaw he tried to overcome is just! shoved! back! on him! all over!

and, yeah, he’s. not great to women. he’s not beating them or anything, i don’t think he treats them SUPER badly, or actively thinking of them as lesser. but it doesn’t change the fact that he is BAD to them, and he thinks of all interactions with attractive women as transactional. and thats TERRIBLE. but i just!!! i cant help myself man i cant stop i just i look at him and all i feel is like!!!!!!!

leave him alone!!!!!!!!!!! get the boy therapy or something!!! dont tear him down like this!!!!!!! we cant just tear someone down every time they make a semblance of an attempt at being Not Miserable!!!!!!!! just!!!!! he doesnt need this, man!!!!! hes literally just The Saddest Person with The Lowest Self Esteem Of All Time, so he uses his newfound ability to find people willing to sleep with him, as a way of raising his self esteem. is he the Best Person? not on your life. but he’s just! a sad little man! who’s trying his best! i dont wanna see him torn to shreds, man. i just want him to realize that his self-worth doesn’t have to rely entirely on whether or not he’s sexually appealing.

because at the end of the day, i think that’s his major problem??? his own self-worth is so thoroughly wrapped up in whether he perceives himself as someone who’s sexually appealing to others.

which like! fuck you! thats considered a Big Problem and So Sad when it’s a girl, if she feels her only self-worth comes from being sexually attractive to men, but, it feels like every time i see a dude goin thru somethin similar, its like “oh hes just a Bad.” and i get it, not only do men have the societal power in this equation, but also when theyre dealin with this same problem, dudes tend to externalize it in really unhealthy and sexist ways, and im not. im not saying every sexist dude just needs a manic pixie dream girl to waltz into his life or some shit!!! im just!!!!!!!!!! idk!!!

i just cant stop sympathizing w/ the dude. and wanting him to get Help. and suffering immensely when i see him literally regressing into a place of misery right before my very eyes.

when really all i was supposed to get from the movie is “man was Fat and Gross. he grow up 2 b Sexist Womanizer. now he see old crush and learn Sexism Bad. then kissy”

#long post tag #LIKE. this is simply one example #i still generally go ''nah hes a Dick'' but ive been. more and more. just bein like #''but...................... b- but........ tht poor guy :(''#and im so lost. i feel like im in a wind tunnel of confusion #maybe this is a Healthier way to be and maybe im just Maturing and this happens to be coinciding with like #getting more comfortable w/ saying im trans and acknowledging im A Dude #so idk. but. still. life is weird and bad and i dont understand #maybe im loosing the Female Perspective. maybe in a month i'll be an incel complaining about Femoids #(im joking)

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