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mrsbuckybarnes1917 · 3 months

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Summary: You're suffering from some temporary memory loss and you can only remember your relationship with Steve, forgetting your currently relationship with poor Bucky.

Word Count: 5.7k

Warnings: memory loss, mild angst, fluff, engagement rings

MASTERLIST

Tabula Rasa

Once again you found yourself walking up to a hard white ceiling with no recollection of how you got into the sterile hospital bed. Your vision was a little hazy and the only thing you could make clearly was a pair of dazzling blue eyes.

“Steve?” you groaned.

Bucky frowned, clutching your hand more tightly than he was before, almost to the point of being painful. Only when you winced and tried to tug it away did he ease his grip on your digits.

“Shhh, Ace, it's okay. You're going to be fine.” Bucky tried to soothe you, trying to ignore that you had just called out for this best friend.

“Thanks Steve,” you mumbled, closing your eyes.

Bucky glanced over at his best friend who was standing nervously at the edge of the room. Steve looked back in surprise and confusion.

“How you feeling, Ace?” Steve asked.

His familiar voice coming from a different location than you'd expected made you open your eyes again, looking for the source of the person who had first spoken. Your gaze found Bucky’s, who smiled down at you softly, greeting you with a gentle ‘hey’.

What Bucky didn't expect was for you to meet his eyes with furrowed brows and a hint of worry, and maybe fear? You looked around and found Steve, directing your question at him.

“What happened?” you asked.

You looked so intently at Steve that Bucky wanted to reach over and turn your face back to him. He was about to explain when you pulled your hand slowly out of his grasp, giving him a small grateful smile. Your actions, the way you wiggled your fingers and made a small fist slowly told him you felt uncomfortable by his closeness. And as much as it broke his heart, he rose from his chair and backed off.

“Steve?” You called again in a small voice.

Bucky could tell you were afraid, he knew from the intonation in your voice, the way your eyes darted around.

“Hey, it's okay.” Bucky couldn't help himself, he hated seeing you look so helpless. “You got knocked out, but the doctors said no signs of permanent damage.”

Bucky's gentleness was dumbfounding and was enough to keep your attention on him for a couple of seconds, at least. “Thank you,” you said kindly before turning back to Steve. “Why are you standing over there?”

“I… didn't want to crowd you.”

Steve stepped forwards into the harsh light of the hospital room, making your jaw drop in the subtlest of ways, a tiny gasp escaping your lips. You hadn't expected a clean shaven Steve looking far blonder than you remembered him having.

“What happened? How long was I unconscious?” You sat up gingerly, shaking off Bucky's helping hand and missing his pained expression.

“Not long.”

“Enough time for you to shave and dye your hair.”

“Dye my-” It was Steve's turn to look over at Bucky with a frown.

“Ace, what do you remember?” Bucky asked, scowling at the lack of attention he was getting from you

You blushed before answering looking at Steve. “We went to see the baseball at Citifield.” You bit your lip, smiling at the memory before continuing. “Obviously some stuff has happened since then. And I appreciate your concern, Bucky.”

You smiled at him, but Bucky knew if was your way of telling him he was no longer needed. It was Steve you wanted, not him. He didn't need a doctor to tell him what was wrong with you. Amnesia. You had forgotten everything the two of you had shared.

He felt like his world was spinning and he wanted to throw up. Not that his body responded to signals like this anymore. He stumbled backwards, knocking over the chair and fleeing from the room. Too consumed with his own feelings that he didn't notice the concern on yours or Steve's faces. If you had been in any danger, he wouldn't have left your side, he told himself as he strode away. But the crushing feeling in his chest had become unbearable as you looked at him with a gaze of mere acquaintanceship. Gone was the knowing glint he saw when he looked in your eyes, gone was the comradery you shared, gone was the passion he ignited in you and gone was the intimacy you'd achieved.

“Right, I'm still feeling pretty clueless about what has happened, but I feel like you need to follow him,” you said to Steve, pointing after Bucky's fleeing form.

“Yeah, I know,” Steve sighed, having reached the same conclusion as Bucky had about your state. “Will you be alright?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, “go.” You encouraged him to go after Bucky, not quite understanding the surprising level of concern you felt about the former HYDRA agent's wellbeing.

“Bucky!” Steve sprinted after his best friend, calling his name.

Only Bucky couldn't hear him, lost in his own mind of fear and dejection. His constantly doubting mind told him he didn't deserve the love you had given him. That he shouldn't be surprised, it was only a matter of time until the happiness he had was taken away from him, he had stolen a life he didn't deserve and karma was here to take it all back.

It was only Steve's firm hand on his shoulder that stopped him.

“Buck!” Steve gasped. Out of breath, not from the exertion but the anxiety he felt for his friend. “Bucky, where are you going?”

“We both know what's going on, Steve. I'm going to go and sort out everything at home, so she's comfortable when they discharge her. Is that okay with you?” His last question was more sardonic than he had intended.

“Buck…” Steve sighed.

“Look,” Bucky paused, contemplating what to say. He didn't want to see you go through the pain of Steve breaking up with you again, but it was inevitable. “Please just… be kind to her.”

Steve nodded, looking just as dejected as Bucky. He had no desire to hurt you again, but the situation couldn't be changed. And they both had to accept it.

Steve knocked on your door gently, not wanting to disturb your rest, but your eyes were on him immediately. You'd watched Steve follow Bucky out of the room and had spent the next thirty minutes trying to decipher the situation that had unfolded before you. Something felt different and you were struggling to put your finger on the issue.

Moments before Steve's return, you'd discovered a small diamond ring on your finger. You had been admiring the Edwardian design diamond cut when he appeared and you shoved your hand into the blanket in surprise, a rose flush staining your cheeks.

“Everything alright?” you asked, trying to divert attention from your less than stealthy maneuver.

“Yeah,” he answered softly. “And you?”

“Dr Kim suggested that they repeat my brain scan, what with the amnesia. Apparently I can't remember the last two years of my life.”

“About that, Ace. There are things we should probably talk about.”

“Like important things I've missed?” you laughed quietly.

Steve sighed and the weight of his exhale filled you with dread. “Ace…” You name was barely a whisper from his lips.

“Just say it, Steve.” You snapped at him, the silence getting the better of your nerves. Waiting for bad news wasn't one of your strong points.

“Look Ace, I don't really know if there is a good way to say this-”

“We're not together anymore. Right?” Tears welled up in your eyes slowly, your fears confirmed by the sadness on Steve's face.

“I'm sorry.”

He let you sit with the news, giving you the space to process things in your own time. It's what you deserved, rather than the way things played out the first time where you'd caught him kissing Peggy outside your own apartment.

“Can I ask what happened?” you mumbled, dreading the answer even before you'd voiced the question. “Why didn't it work?”

“It wasn't … I didn't mean to hurt you.” Steve looked down at his hands, not meeting your eyes.

You wanted to know more but couldn't bear to ask. It was a little like wanting to avert your gaze from a horrifying scene but not being able to.

“I still care about you. It's just that sh-”

You almost wished he wouldn't try to make you feel better. The question slipped from your lips before you could control your mouth.

“Who is she?”

“Peggy,” he said softly. He sounded almost sorrowful.

"What?” you exclaimed, face filled with surprise and confusion. “Peggy? Your Peggy?”

“Yeah.”

It felt like your world was spinning and you wondered if you'd hit your head harder than everyone had thought. Your ears were ringing and Steve suddenly seemed so far away. You were alone, again. Tears burned your eyes as they welled up under your lids. You felt like you couldn't breathe.

It wasn't until Steve's strong warm hands were wrapped around your arms that you realized you were shaking. When you finally looked up at him, blurry from your unshed tears, he took your face in his hands. Gently, he wiped away the streaks of water from your face with his thumbs.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered again.

And you believed him. You sat wrapped in his embrace until one of the orderlies came to collect you for your brain scan.

They let you go home without much of a fuss. At least the journey was familiar and Steve stayed with you, much to your surprise. It was awkward for you to discover that you still lived opposite your ex and his old/new girlfriend. More awkward still was the way she greeted you, like a close friend, not taking offense at your aloofness.

Shutting the door to your apartment was a welcome relief from the attention you'd received since you'd woken up but left you feeling more alone than ever. You walked around surveying your home. It felt familiar but there were things out of place, almost like someone had gone around and removed random items. Not that you could detect the absence of anything significant. It just felt like something was missing and you assumed that it was because you'd just lost Steve. That night you fell asleep nursing the gaping hole in your life.

Ever since Bucky had moved his things out of your apartment, he had waited every morning in Prospect Park. Just to see if he could see you running. He would keep his distance, just as he had done before. Maybe he would even be able to recreate the relationship you had. But every day he felt this hope slipping away as he never saw you leave your home for a morning run.

Needless to say, Bucky was worried about you. He didn't know how you were holding up. He wanted to hold you, to comfort you, to love you. There was a gnawing ache inside his chest which grew every day that he couldn't talk to you. He had taken to staring up at your window from across the street. No one noticed. He hadn't been called a ghost story for no reason. It was a dreary wet fall afternoon that he succumbed to his urges and let his feet carry him up towards your apartment. He caught Steve and Peggy leaving via the building and dodged out of sight, not wanting to explain his presence. They looked so content together and Bucky felt his insides burn with jealousy. Not of who Steve had, but what he had.

There was something inside him pulling him to you, a longing that drew him in. He didn't know why or how, but it was like he knew you needed him. He climbed the stairs up to your apartment two steps at a time, feeling his heart practically stopping as he noticed your front door was ajar. He crept across the corridor and peered through the crack, looking for signs of a struggle. Surely Steve would have noticed if something was amiss and not have left you alone?

The sound of your soft sobs caught his ears amidst the angry crashes of a broom against the hard wooden floor. Bucky pushed the door open in search of you. He immediately saw you behind the couch, furiously sweeping the floor with tears running down your cheeks.

“Ace,” he called out gently so as not to startle you. It didn't work as well as he hoped as you jumped at the sound of his voice. “Sorry.”

“Bucky?” You looked surprised to see him. “What’re you doing here?”

“I-” Bucky hesitated for a moment before deciding on choosing a form of the truth. “I came to see how you are.”

He watched your brows furrow in confusion.

“Why?” you asked.

Bucky knew he deserved your suspicion. As far as you were concerned, he was not your biggest fan. “May I?” He pointed at the couch, asking permission for a seat.

You nodded apprehensively, watching him through narrowed and reddened eyes as he took a seat and patted the couch beside him so you cast aside the broom and sat down. He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to you.

“You remember when I had a nightmare and Steve wasn't around and you were there for me?” He waited for you to nod your remembrance. “Well, think of this as returning the favor. We are friends after all.”

“We are?” you asked, surprise evident in your voice. Even more so by the softness of his smile and the familiarity with which he looked at you.

“If you'll still have me?”

“Yeah,” you smiled through your tears. You were atonished at how comforting his presence was.

You gazed at him out of the corner of your eye as he pulled out his phone and started typing. It was his rather feeble attempt to avoid looking at you, because if he started, he knew he would never be able to tear himself away.

“I can’t find mine.”

“Sorry?” Bucky frowned, not quite keeping up with your train of thought.

“My phone.” You pointed at his. “I seem to have lost it. I'll have to get a new one so I can download everything. Might give me some clues about my life and what I've missed.”

You missed the look of panic on Bucky's face. What if you saw the photos of the two of you together and were disgusted by it? His mind told him that you weren't so cruel that you'd show him that revulsion, but his traumatized mind wouldn't let him believe anything else. He had spent year convincing himself that you couldn't possibly love him, then by the grace of God you had give him a chance, a chance he never expected and didn't think he deserved. All to have it taken away.

“Is that a good idea?”

“What if it helps me remember?”

“Or it could just be very overwhelming.”

“Didn't you want to know everything you'd forgotten.”

“Yeah, and it was a lot.”

You sighed, you felt impatient and annoyed. There was a gaping hole in your life and you wanted to know what had filled it. Was it just Steve's absence or was there something else?

“Is it ridiculous that I'm grieving over a relationship that ended two years ago?”

“It isn't two years for you.”

“I feel so alone,” you sniffled.

Bucky put his arm around you, and somehow you didn't feel as bad as you did a moment ago, almost like this was where you were meant to be. His warm palm covered your upper arm and he gently stroked your skin with his thumb. It felt so natural and comfortable, like you'd done it many times before. For the first time since you'd woken in the hospital bed, you felt safe.

You looked up at Bucky, wondering how the man had gone from hating you to becoming the person who was consoling you. He looked different, you noticed, the longer you stared at him. Gone were the dark circles under his eyes and the gaunt haunted look that plagued his handsome features. You were a little disappointed to see that he had cut his long hair, not that his short crops detracted from his appearance in any way. Mostly you surmised that he seemed happier than the last time you remembered seeing him. It warmed your heart to see how far he seemed to have come.

A small flush crept across your cheeks as Bucky caught you staring at him. It got even darker as your stomach rumbled loudly.

“You should take care of yourself better, you know that right?”

You shrugged and Bucky sighed.

“You spend all your time taking care of everyone else, you forget about yourself.” He got up and walked over to the closet by the front door. You watched curiously as he opened it and pulled out a motorcycle helmet. “Come on.”

“Wait, did I learn to ride a motorbike?” Your eyes widened.

“No,” Bucky scoffed, bursting your little bubble of hope. “Go freshen up a little and we can go get some food.”

“Is that your way of saying I look like shit?”

“You're beautiful, but you still have snot on your face, so…”

“Oh my God,” you mumbled, ducking into the bathroom feeling mortified.

Life went on regardless of your recollection of the past. Your memories persisted in eluding you. You could sense their presence but they were just out of reach. Going to work was the familiar routine which was the only thing that was stopping you from falling apart. It was good to see May, but she seemed too wrapped up in managing her students to have time to help you out. You wondered if she was just avoiding your emotions.

At least your pupils were a constant for you, despite some new faces, they seemed to love you and were definitely trying to remind you of the deadlines you'd apparently set for their assignments. The overwhelming feeling of loss however wasn't something you could shake. All your friends from your SHIELD days had moved on with their lives, and without May, you felt like you were floundering.

Bucky was in a similar boat, having moved out of your apartment and having lost Steve's attention to Peggy, he also felt a little adrift. He was however luckier than you, having sought shelter in his niece, Kim's home. She had welcomed him with open arms, now being the matriarch of the Barnes family. She knew you would be glad that he wasn't alone and had someone to take care of him. But her support wasn't quite enough and she could see him slowly slipping back into a dark cloud of melancholy. Kim had always known you had been his guiding star, but she hadn't realized quite how much he needed you.

Both you and Bucky drifted through the next couple of weeks like lost ships floating aimlessly. Until one night Bucky received a desperate call from Steve, demanding his urgent presence at your abode. The way Bucky drove his motorcycle was definitely considered on the wrong side of the legal system. He was at your door within seconds of his arrival, finding you sobbing uncontrollably in Steve's arms. Your breaths were shallow and uneven and it looked like you were having a panic attack. Steve looked at Bucky desperately, feeling completely and utterly helpless.

Bucky leapt over the couch and enveloped you in his arms in a vice like grip. Your face was pressed almost forcefully against his chest and your body was so compressed that you couldn't even take a breath to keep crying. Bucky's heartbeat was almost hypnotizing, like a metronome you focused on the rhythm until your mind stilled. Until the blood rushing through your ears slowed and you could finally hear the words of comfort that Bucky was muttering to you. It surprised you when he softly started singing your favorite song, Yellow. This is what got you to melt into him completely, wrapping your arms around his waist.

“Come on.” He led you to the bathroom, giving you a moment to splash water on your face. As you turned to grab a towel, Bucky held it out of reach before dabbing your cheeks gently for you. “Better?”

You nodded, dropping your gaze, feeling self conscious of his undivided attention. Bucky smiled, enjoying how your lashes fluttered across your face in a coquettish manner. “Thanks,” you mumbled.

You stumbled back to the couch and collapsed on it, Bucky following in suit. Both of you enjoyed the comfortable silence together. You felt exhausted but grateful for Bucky's help. His presence was soothing to your soul. You took the opportunity to steal a glance. He seemed to have changed, there were a few new lines around his eyes which betrayed his lack of sleep.

It was almost an instinct, you reached out and brushed his cheek with your fingers. “Are you sleeping?”

Bucky smiled at you sadly and shrugged. “Honestly, it's not been a great time,” he sighed before mumbling. “I miss my best friend.”

Your heart ached to hear the words. “I'm sure Steve would hang out with you more if you told him.”

“I was talking about you.” He nudged your shoulder with his, smiling at the way your lips formed an ‘o’.

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Make me feel like I'm not losing my mind?”

“Because you're not crazy.” His words were so matter of fact. “So what happened?”

“I freaked out.”

“No kidding. Do you know why?”

“This is why.” You held up your left hand to show Bucky the engagement ring on your finger. “What kind of loser keeps wearing a ring from a guy who dumped her two years ago?”

Shit! Bucky froze, staring at the ring. Of all the lengths he had gone through to ensure he had removed all evidence of your relationship, how could he have forgotten that he had proposed to you two nights before your accident? Neither of you had shared your happy news with any of your friends, wanting to make the announcement at the right time. Now Bucky was the only one who remembered the event and he couldn't bring himself to tell anyone, even Steve. Especially not Steve, Bucky knew that if he confessed to his oldest friend, Steve wouldn't stop until he told you about it. So he kept his secret to himself.

You mistook his silence as agreement. “I never thought I would ever be this sad or pathetic.” You pulled your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them, hoping the ground would just open up and swallow you whole. You pulled the ring off your finger and held it out to Bucky. “Will you take this back to Steve, please? It looks like an heirloom, he will probably want to give it to Peggy.”

You dropped the ring into Bucky's open palm, the metal clinking against the vibranium. He picked it up carefully between his flesh fingers and tucked it into his wallet, glad that you weren't looking at his face because he didn't think he could hide the devastation that he felt. It was his mother's wedding ring, the one his great niece, Becca had given when they had first met. “Sure,” he answered in a dismal tone before deciding to change the subject. “Ace, I've never seen you like this. I'm worried about you.”

“I don't know what it is.” You shrugged. “There’s this ache inside my chest and nothing I do makes it go away. What do I do Bucky?”

“It takes time. You taught me that. We just take each day as it comes.

“Bucky, I'm glad you're here. Thank you. I feel better with you.”

“Well if you ever need anything, you call me. Day or night. Whatever it is. I'm with you, til the end of the line. Alright?”

You nodded.

“Good. Now how about I make some popcorn and we watch a movie? I know exactly what you like.” Bucky jumped off the couch, ready to do anything to keep the smile on your face.

The next morning, you woke up with a strange feeling. Gone was the overwhelming loneliness that you'd felt yesterday after seeing Steve and Peggy having an intimate moment. It had been replaced by something else, something that you suddenly craved. Despite your exhaustion yesterday, you and Bucky had stayed up late watching your favorite movies. It was thrilling to you how he remembered the things you loved and how happy it seemed to make him watch your wonder as you experienced them again for the first time.

Things seemed brighter somehow, like you suddenly had a renewed purpose, a sense of direction. Strangely, you had no idea what that direction was, but your body seemed to know exactly what it was supposed to do. You showered and dressed, donning a floral and a light layer of makeup. You had no clue why, but you wanted to feel pretty. After admiring yourself in the mirror, you got in your car, not overthinking your actions, just letting your body do what it thought was natural. Your body worked on autopilot, weaving through the streets to an unknown destination.

Without knowing why, you pulled up on a street beside a park. You didn’t know why you stopped there, but you knew it was the right thing to do. The place seemed familiar, but you couldn't recall ever having been there before. You pulled your cardigan closer around your torso, not sure of what to do next. Maybe a walk in the park would help clear your head a little.

“Ace?” A voice you didn't recognize called your name and you turned towards him. The sound came from an older gentleman with dark hair and bright blue eyes. “You're here!”

The stranger opened his arms to you but you stepped back, wary of his advances. “Sorry, I-”

“You don't know who I am?”

“I'm sorry.”

“That's alright. Bucky told us about what happened.”

Your eyes brightened at the mention of Bucky’s name. “You know Bucky?”

Scott chuckled. “Yeah. Has Bucky ever told you about his family?”

You shook your head.

“He had a little sister, Rebecca. I'm Scott, her son and his nephew.”

You could barely contain the smile that spread across your face. “Bucky has a family?” you whispered joyously.

It was surprising to you, but made you happy to know he wasn't alone. Happier than you'd felt about anything since the accident. In fact, thinking about Bucky in general brought a smile to your face. You felt closer to him in your last two encounters than you had with Steve in that same time.

“Yeah. We have a weekly gathering. I thought that's why you were here.”

“Bucky invites me to his family's gatherings?”

“Well you're as good as family. Come on,” he motioned for you to follow him.

While you had started rediscovering your feelings, Bucky was wallowing in his loss.

He had begrudgingly attended the regular Sunday family event but only on Kim's insistence. Bucky was residing under her roof after he had shown up after evicting himself from your apartment. Instead of letting his family console or comfort him, he had decided to remove himself from the general festivities of the day. Everyone could sense his mood and no one was brave enough to weather the storm that surrounded him. All but one. Winnie, short for Winifred, who lived up to her name, was fair of complexion and calm in composure. Bucky's great, great niece was his favorite, if one was allowed to express such preferences. She had him wrapped around her little finger and he would jump at her every demand.

Wise beyond her years, she took it upon herself to approach his rather solitary and forlorn figure. Gently she approached him, wrapping her slender arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. She nuzzled her way into his lap, her sweetness was something not even the bionic staring man could turn away.

“It's okay, Uncle Bucky,” she whispered, brushing a small tear of his cheek. She leaned in towards his ear, cupping her hand beside her face, as though someone might overhear her. “I know how to make Aunty Ace all better.”

“How?” Bucky whispered back just as conspiratorially. No matter how depressed Bucky was feeling, Winnie was the only person, aside from you, who could make him feel better.

“True Love's kiss, Uncle Bucky!” Little Winnie exclaimed, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “If you kiss her, all her memories will come back.”

Bucky smiled ruefully. “I don't think that will work, Win.”

“Why not?” she demanded with a little pout.

“Because she doesn't love me.”

Scott had ushered you over to the family where he had waved away everyone's approach, directing you over to where Bucky was sitting with Winnie. He pointed at them and gave you a gentle shove in their direction. Something new stirred inside you as you saw Bucky cradling the girl in his arms. Your memories were still hazy, but you had never been more certain of your feelings in that moment.

“I think it would be worth a try,” you suggested.

Bucky turned his head so fast that he almost knocked poor Winnie over, his eyes widened with surprise. Thankfully, his supersoldier reflexes kicked in and she didn't end up sprawled on the floor. Winnie climbed off his lap and ran over to you, grabbing your hand, she dragged you over to him.

“Hey,” Bucky smiled shyly. Had you overheard the conversation?

“Hi,” you answered.

Both of you grinned at each other like shy teenagers unsure of how to act. You watched Bucky's eyes flick from you to Winnie, who was standing behind you urging Bucky to kiss you. He was frowning at her, shaking his head wildly. You turned your attention to her.

“It's Winnie, right?”

“Yes!” Winnie bounced up and down with excitement that you knew her name. “It's working, Uncle Bucky! The magic is working.”

“Winnie, do you mind if your Uncle Bucky and I have a moment alone please?”

“Okay!” Winnie scooted off back to the rest of the family.

You look over at Bucky, both of you grinning at each other about how adorable she was. Bucky motioned for you to sit and you do, right beside him. You are so close that Bucky's heart is pounding and he is sweating like a schoolboy who is about to kiss a girl for the first time. You're good at this! He tried to remind himself as he used his tongue to moisten his chapped lips.

“I think your niece is onto something, you know.”

“Yeah?” Bucky asked, a hopeful sparkle in his eye.

“Yup!” You popped the ‘p’.

You paused, but Bucky didn't move. It was time for you to take matters into your own hands. You leaned forwards, pressing your lips firmly against him in a soft kiss. Bucky can't help himself, slipping his tongue into your open mouth. He missed how you tasted. Both of you lost in the moment, every caress reminded you of a memory of the things you and Bucky had shared. You kissed him until you thought you'd run out of the air in your lungs.

As you pulled away, Bucky held you close, finally opening his eyes to find you staring right back at him. He reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ear while you stroked his cheek. He opened his mouth to ask you a question but-

“DID IT WORK?” Winnie yelled from behind a tree where she was hiding.

“It worked!” you yelled back, smiling like the Cheshire cat.

Winnie ran off whooping and cheering.

“It did?” Bucky whispered. Not quite wanting to believe.

“I mean, not everything is clear, but I think I remember the important things.” You touched his face again, telling him that he was the most important thing in your life. “Bucky, I'm so sorry.”

“For what?”

“For leaving you alone. For making you sad. I didn't mean to leave you,” your voice quivered a little as you spoke.

“Hey, hey,” he gave you a reassuring squeeze, “you couldn't help any of that. It's definitely not your fault. If anything, I'm the one who should be apologizing.”

“Why?”

“I made you a promise to take care of you, and all I did was run away. Because I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Scared that if we had to do it all again, you might not fall in love with me a second time.”

“Bucky, I never stopped loving you. The loss I felt, it wasn't because of Steve, I mean yeah that sucked, but I felt better every time you were with me. You took care of me even though I treated you like a stranger. Especially how I freaked out over- oh my God, Bucky!” You grabbed his arm suddenly.

“What? What's wrong?”

“The ring! I didn’t mean to throw that back at you. Oh Bucky, I'm sorry.”

“You didn't know.”

“Do you think, maybe, I could… have it back?” you asked, voice filled with uncertainty and hesitation.

Bucky chuckled. “Well I hoped you would say that.”

Bucky tugged on the chain with his dog tags to reveal the ring hanging around his neck, close to his heart. He got up off the bench and got down on one knee, holding out the ring to you.

“You kept it with you,” you sighed happily.

“Of course, I don't ever want to let you go.”

You held out your hand and let him slip it back on your finger and then leaned forwards to kiss him.

“YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?” a tiny voice shrieked from behind a bush.

“Winnie!” Bucky sighed.

“YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!” she screamed, launching herself you and Bucky.

Bucky caught the excited little girl In his arms and she flung her arms around both of your necks.

“Can I be your bridesmaid?”

“I wouldn't have anyone else, sweetheart.”

Winnie screeched again, wiggling out of Bucky's arms to share the news with the rest of the family. Bucky wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder and holding you close. Neither of you spoke your thoughts out loud but the look Bucky gave you told he wanted the same thing as you.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x f!reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fan fiction #finding you #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x female reader #steve rogers x f!reader #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers fan fiction

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in-love-with-movies · 1 year

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Finding You (2021)

#Finding You #filmedit #Rose Reid #Jedidiah Goodacre #Katherine McNamara #Saoirse-Monica Jackson #Brian Baugh #Jenny B. Jones #my gifs #movie gifs

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critical-quoter · 1 month

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Looking at her was like seeing a piece of my soul walking around outside my body.

Finding You - Lena Hendrix

#book #books #booklr #book lover #book quotes #reading #quote #lit #literature #novel #finding you #lena hendrix

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marge1974 · 4 months

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The man was rude, crude, and inappropriate. I was taken with him the moment I walked in the door, and I knew the first moment I saw him that it was going to be raw, it was going to be ugly, and I was going to enjoy every damn minute of it.

#intimacy #desire #passionate #C.M. Stunich # Losing Me #Finding You

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ririchonne · 3 months

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I was scrolling on twitter and bim big reveal ! Mr Obama is a richonner 😂 !

Stealing lines from Rick 😜

#richonne #valentines day #rick grimes #barack obama #how did I get so lucky #finding you #michelle obama #Michonne Grimes #rick and michonne #the walking dead #the ones who live #twd towl #michonne

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lvcygraybaird · 2 years

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– so when I say "forever, " it's the goddamn truth. I'll keep finding, finding you

#the 100 #bellarke #the100edit #bellarkeedit #the100gifs #clarke griffin #bellamy blake #lyricsedit #lyrics edit #finding you #kesha #praimfiya narrative #4x03 #4x13 #5x03 #mygifsets #mygifs #myedits

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buckyownsmylife · 2 years

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Finding You #19 - Ari Levinson smut

The one where Ari gets his rut

When you end up being transformed into an omega without any understanding of what it entails, five Alphas find themselves responsible for your well-being. Guess it’s only expected you’d take care of them too, huh?

For general warnings and author’s notes, please go to the fic’s masterlist.

A/N: The next chapter is ready but won’t be posted for a while. It’s more of a drabble than a proper chapter, but I don’t want to hear no one complaining! I’m still recovering and it’s the best I could do.

Ari’s P.O.V.

“Come here, ‘mega.” She patted her way towards me, cute little smile on her face that made me just want to squish her - so that’s precisely what I did. “God, you’re adorable.” Her giggles were interrupted by Ransom’s dry heave, but before I could send him a warning look, our omega started to openly laugh, and how could I be angry with my youngest brother when he had provoked the most beautiful sight I had ever seen?

Glancing at him briefly, I found his grin mirroring my own, his own gaze on the girl before us, even as she settled on my lap, rubbing her ass against my dick in an effort to become more comfortable.

“Good girl.” I buried my nose on that spot behind her ear, the one that tickled her, but from where emanated so much of her perfect scent, I just couldn’t ignore it. Even as she tried to scoot away, her arms never released my shoulders, and it had me chuckling lowly as I grabbed her hips and made sure she’d remain with her body glued to my own.

“Stay.” Just as she obeyed me, melting against my hard chest as I hugged her to me, my vision darkened, a hot, fiery sensation burning inside my veins and warming me up so suddenly, it had me panting.

I knew this feeling, I realized it. I knew what it meant. But shit, it had never been this powerful before.

Then again, I’d never had an omega before.

Dirty, improper thoughts took over my brain, each nastier than the one before, and I knew my grip on her hips was tightening even before I heard her gasp. My body acted of its own accord, my nose leaving the shell of her ear in search of that juncture between her neck and shoulder, and I nuzzled it eagerly, a low whine leaving my chest and capturing my brother’s attention.

“Ari?” Frank called out for my attention, straightening up on his side of the couch and leaning towards us. “Are you…?” He didn’t have to finish the question, I was already nodding. But I didn’t pull away from my soft omega’s body, instead pulling her even tighter against me, making sure that with every movement of her hips, as she tried to turn around and stare at me, her ass rubbed against my dick.

“What’s wrong?” She questioned, clearly worried, and it only had me falling deeper into my rut, bringing my neediness into that edge of aggressiveness I was trying so hard to pull back from. “Are you okay?”

Around us, my siblings were already beginning to scatter. Steve and Andy left towards the garage, undoubtedly determined to work on something loud enough to overpower the noised I’d be making throughout the day, while Ransom and Frank escaped towards the garden, but not before making sure she knew everything would be okay.

“You take care of Ari, alright, sweetheart?” The youngest in our pack smiled down at her, although from a safe distance. “He needs you.” I saw her frown as she pulled on her fingers, seemingly not knowing what to do.

“What should I do?” The laughter that escaped Andy startled her, and it had Frank’s lips twisting up in amusement, too.

“Anything he wants,” Andy proposed, and that had a growl of hunger escaping me, making her eyes grow twice their usual size in shock. As much as that was precisely what I wanted, I knew it’d be impossible for me to enjoy it - or even get close to her - if she was terrified of me.

The look I sent my younger brother must have made him realize his mistake because he rushed to explain it, “I mean, not in that sense. Well, yes, in that sense - but you should only do what you feel comfortable doing.”

If I were in a better mindset, I might have been able to laugh at this situation, how my usually smooth brother was racking his own brain trying to come up with a way to explain to our omega that I was about to get into a rut, and would need her terribly and hungrily for the next 48 hours.

“He just can’t be alone right now,” he settled on saying at least, already grabbing his coat as he followed suit the same path our other brothers had walked down, in the direction of the neighboring town. “He needs you, ‘mega. Be a good girl for him, hm?”

He didn’t need to ask her. We both knew she’d be the best little kitten, and she did too.

The second the door closed behind Andy, her body tensed, suddenly realizing just how deranged I was. I knew I didn’t look quite like myself. Sweat had started to pour out of my body, my heart beat picking up over nothing but my growing arousal, and it had me panting only to inhale even more of her sweet scent into my lungs.

But she was still on edge, and that’s not how I wanted this to go.

“I’m needy, sweetheart.” Keeping my voice low, I slowly shortened the distance between us, crossing the living room until I was standing right behind her, towering over her smaller frame. I wrapped an arm around her body, pressing her back against me so she’d feel how fucking hard I was already. “’M needy for you.”

She started panting too, body losing its rigidity right when I began to lose control of how my own behaved. My hands traveled up to grab her breasts, rubbing her nipples over the fabric as I nuzzled at her scenting gland.

“There’s only one way I can get better…” I didn’t need to explain it, so I let my body do the talking. Ripping her clothes in a single, forceful movement, I pushed her down on the carpet, following close behind as I knelt between her legs.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Yeah, just like that…” Trembling from head to toe, I tried my very best to keep myself upright in the way Ari had positioned me: on my hands and knees, pussy exposed for him to take in.

I had no doubt that he would. I’d been through this before with his brothers - once, three of them had their ‘ruts’ at the same time - and after it was over, I couldn’t walk for a whole week.

The weirdest part, however, was that I kinda loved it. Being desired to this extent - not to mention fucked so roughly pleasure and pain mixed to an impressive degree - made me hornier than ever, and the way my wetness dripped down my inner thighs was certainly noticed by Ari.

“Such a little whore,” he mocked me as I rubbed my thighs together in an effort to keep patient. “You want my cock, don’t you? No, even better: you need it.” I did. “Tell me. Tell me you want my big cock stretching out all of your little holes, and I’ll give you what you want.”

He needed this just as much as I did, but I understood the power dynamics all too well. He wanted to make sure I submitted to his desires and intentions - that’s why they all placed me in this position once the rut hit. Andy called it “presenting” and the name made sense to me: it was the last step of a union based on sex, in my mind - the moment I succumbed completely to their needs and desires because I felt them as my own.

“Please, Alpha…” The title left my lips easily, just as the last of my rational thought bid adieu so I could focus completely on him and in the way his hands ran down my back, only to spread my ass cheeks to his view. “Please, fuck me. I need you so badly…”

A sharp inhale preceded the spank I got - there was no doubt about the mark that would appear in the following days, but at that moment all that mattered to me was getting his dick inside of me.

Thankfully, he didn’t leave me waiting much longer. I felt the head of his cock rubbing against my cunt, and just as I sighed in relief, he shoved himself all the way in. “There you go…” His voice was low, even raspy as he massaged my hips and waited for me to adjust to his girth. “Such a good little omega, taking everything your Alphas give you…”

Falling onto my forearms, I wanted to scream at him to start fucking me, but I couldn’t speak. Feeling connected to him felt even more magical, probably because of the hormones associated with Alpha’s ruts.

“Wanna know a secret?” He pulled me up again with a hand over my neck. Breathing against the shell of my ear, he explained: “You’re never leaving us, princess. You’ll be our whore forever.”

A moan left me in response, and he just chuckled - almost meanly, definitely full of himself. He deserved to be. I was all over the place, and that was before he even started to actually fuck me.

Alphas ruts were relentless. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Ari’s first one back home was beyond that. He fucked me three times on the rug, before deciding it wasn’t enough and that he needed to claim me as his in his own bed, too.

I hadn’t been there before. Ever since Ari arrived, we’d all been sleeping in the biggest bed in the house - Steve’s, originally, but I couldn’t remember the last time he’d been the only one sleeping there.

I’d started to think of his bed as ours, as in mine and all of the brother’s. It smelled like us and it made me feel safe as nothing else. But they still had their own bedroom, just like I had mine, and it wasn’t unusual for them to want to spend some time in their own space, especially when experiencing a rut.

“Just like that, princess.” He guided my hips to ride him, and I held on the cries of pleasure that threatened to break free. It felt too good - his dick felt too good inside of me, stretching me good for his knot every time he came.

By now I was a mess in more ways than one. Cum dripped from me, slathering the insides of my thighs and staining the bed sheets, but none of us cared. All that mattered was the rhythmic give and take of our hips, dancing together to a symphony only we could hear.

At some point, I started crying. It was that delicious pain, that mixture of pleasure and hurt that got to me, making me sob against the pillow as Ari railed me from behind. “It’s okay, little ‘mega,” he tried to console me. “Don’t cry, it’s almost over.” His thrusts became slower, the rolls of his hips punctuating each word from his lips. “Your Alpha will take good care of you. We’ll always take care of you.”

I didn’t bother to tell him that I knew. The love I could hear from his every word just made my sobs louder, and at some point, I hear the door open as we still fucked. Ari’s growl kept them from coming in - no one should come between an Alpha and his Omega during a hut, I’d learned that by now - but from their spot in the threshold, I heard them asking, “Aren’t you hurting her?”

It was Ransom, and I could hear from his tone how hard he was struggling to hold back and let Ari do his thing. “Don’t worry,” the Alpha inside of me said to his little brother, “she can handle me.”

I didn’t hear the door close after that, and the feeling of being observed grew bigger. Forcing myself to pry my eyes open, I found Ransom and Andy standing there, just silently watching me get railed by their older brother.

The hunger in Andy’s eyes was the last thing I remember seeing before I passed out.

#finding you #ari levinson smut #ari levinson #smut #ari levinson x reader #ari levinson reader #ari levinson reader smut #ari levinson reader insert #ari levinson reader inserts #ari levinson fanfiction #ari levinson fanfic #ari levinson fic

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inktr3pid · 3 months

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Moher

#photography #dslr photography #scenery #scenic #rural scene #ireland #cliffs #cliffs of moher #landscape #seascape #finding you

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life5lesson5 · 2 months

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Everyday my heart, my soul aches for you...

#lost love #find me #finding you #for always

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bigbluebeautifulthings · 10 months

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Kesha - Rainbow

all artists

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mrsbuckybarnes1917 · 1 year

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FINDING YOU Chapter 4

Summary: You're in a relationship with Steve Rogers, but his best friend just always seems to be around!

Word Count: 4.1K

Warnings: angst

MASTERLIST

CHAPTER 4

The murky morning light barely permeated the drawn curtains as your eyes opened to your phone alarm. Steve's place was empty beside you, he had gone for his morning run and let you sleep in. You were glad, it had been a late night and you were struggling to get up as it was. The sound of wind and rain pounded on the glass and a chill crept through your spine as you eventually threw back the covers. You sighed, it looked like it was going to be a rather gloomy day.

Steve hadn't made it home before you needed to leave and Bucky was nowhere to be seen. A pang of loneliness stabbed your heart and you tried to shake off the ridiculous feeling. You had no reason to feel that way, you had a wonderful boyfriend who loved you and a secondhand best friend who continued to keep you at arm's length, but had a strangely comforting presence in your life. So you shook off the insecurities and set up the coffeepot for them to use when they got home.

The morning seemed to plod along as a series of mundane lessons, the kids in your classes seemed just as apathetic as you felt that morning. So instead of micromanaging their activities, you let them run wild with their training. At least you had lunch with May to look forward to, her pragmatic approach to life would shake you out of the Monday slump you were in.

You were imagining just how she'd roll her eyes and glare at you until you had forgotten about your problems. Head in the clouds you almost ran face first into Agent May.

"Hey!" you smiled at your friend and colleague.

"Come," she turned on her heel and marched off in the opposite direction from where you'd come.

You sighed. This wasn't going to be good.

"Where're we going?" you asked. "May?"

Melinda May ignored you, and kept walking. And like the good agent you were, you followed orders. She led you to her car and got in.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" you asked, sliding into the passenger seat.

She started the ignition and pulled out of the car park.

"May, you're scaring me. What is going on?" You could feel your heart pounding in your chest, the anxiety bubbling up, just waiting to boil over as you demanded an answer.

You studied May's impassive features, watching her open and close her mouth a few times, trying to find the words. "There was an… incident."

"What kind of incident?" You felt exasperated by her lack of clarity.

"We found a time jumper."

"Ooo…kay? And how exactly does this affect me?"

"It's Peggy Carter."

May's words rang in your ear like an exploded bomb. It felt like your whole world had slowed down, your heart sounded louder than you'd ever heard it, your mouth went dry and you couldn't focus on the road in front of you.

You hardly registered May calling your name or the short lived hand on your shoulder. The transference of your emotions from you made her withdraw sharply.

Thoughts whirled around your brain like a tornado. How did this happen? Why did it happen? Why was she here? Was there another end of the world catastrophe that needed to be dealt with? In the end, none of those questions mattered. You knew one thing was certain, you'd just lost the man you loved.

You heard your name again.

"Yeah?" you turned to face May, eyes taking in your familiar surroundings. She had pulled up outside your apartment building. "Why are we here?

"Peggy is asking for him," she said, softly.

"So you brought me here because…?"

"I thought you should tell him."

You scoffed. "Gee, thanks. What do you expect me to do? Go and tell him that the love of his life is back and that he can have her?" You sounded slightly hysterical and tears had filled your eyes.

May's stoic expression remained unchanged, but her eyes betrayed her sympathy.

"I assume he is upstairs?"

"Yeah," you sighed.

Reluctantly you climbed out of the SUV and trudged up the stairs to your second floor apartment. You paused at the door, steeling yourself to the inevitable conversation once you'd entered. The key slid in and turned with ease and the door swung open without you even trying.

"Steve?"

"Ace? What're you doing home?"

You opened your mouth to answer but no sound came out. As soon as you told him everything would change, was it wrong of you to cling on to those last fleeting moments of happiness? You walked over to where Steve was washing dishes.

The urge to break down and let him hold you was overwhelming. The blonde had the warmest, most comforting embrace and you wanted nothing more to be consoled by the one person who was about to break your heart.

"Ace?" Steve's look was concerned.

"Yeah?" You pushed back the tears.

"Everything OK?"

"Yeah." You made a show of taking off your jacket and putting it on a chair so you could hide your face. It was annoying how easily he could read your emotions.

"Give me a minute, I'm almost done with this."

You couldn't wait, you didn't want to. It was much easier to wrap your arms around his waist and bury your face between his shoulder blades. So you did just that. The heat he emanated, his strong steadfast sturdiness is what you clung to.

Steve dried his hands and wrapped his fingers around your wrists. Gently he pried your finger apart and turned around to face you.

"Talk to me Ace, why are you home in the middle of the day?"

You shrugged, "I wanted to see you?"

"Now why don't I believe that?"

"OK, but I need you to do one thing before I tell you."

"Ace, what is it?" Concern was etched across his face.

"I just need one thing from you first."

"What do you want?"

"Kiss me," you whispered.

"What?" Steve was astounded by your request.

"Kiss me, please?" You wished you didn't sound so desperate.

He complied with your request, leaning down he placed a quick peck on your lips.

"No, Steve. Kiss me like you mean it."

"I always mean it, Ace."

"Then show me."

Steve wanted to demand a reason for your behavior from you but he knew you could be just as stubborn as he was. It was easier to give you what you wanted. Not that it was a difficult request.

He bent forwards again, locking his lips with yours and you closed your eyes to take in every sensation, committing it to memory; the pressure, their texture, how soft they felt against yours. The eternity you wanted to be lost in was over in mere seconds. Steve’s hands lingered on your face, his thumbs caressed your cheeks for a little longer, leaving you with a gentle forehead kiss.

“Ace?”

You held his hands to your face, hoping he would never let go.

“Hey, talk to me,” his voice was low, as though he was talking to a scared animal.

That’s how you felt, skittish and ready to run with the slightest movement. Instead you took a deep breath and broke away from the perfect bubble you’d wrapped yourself in. You took his hands from your face and led Steve to the couch.

“Let’s sit for a bit.”

Steve sat beside you, your knees touching, your hands wrapped around his. He watched you expectantly.

“Steve… you remember how you were able to time travel?”

Steve nodded and you heard yourself continue to speak, almost like you were watching someone else.

“Well that’s not the only method of time travel. We’ve had someone who has traveled here from the past. Someone you know.”

Steve frowned quizzically at you.

“Peggy.” Your voice was barely audible.

It was slow, but you could feel him pulling his hands from yours. Your doubts, your fears, your worries, every single one of them had been confirmed at that moment.

“Are you sure?” The hope in his voice felt like a knife through your heart.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “May told me.”

“Where is she?”

“S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.”

Steve stood up, he looked like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do next. He was looking at you but you knew he didn’t see you.

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“May's waiting in the car.” You heard yourself say the words, all the while a voice inside you was telling you to shut the hell up. Instead you put a hand on his back and guided him to the front door. “Let’s go.”

The car ride to the new S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters was deadly silent. It wasn't that you were a stranger to silence, you'd spent enough quiet time with both people in the car in the past, but today was different. May was driving, her grip on the steering wheel was more tense than usual and you knew her empath powers could sense both your emotions and Steve's.

You cast your eyes across to the side mirror where you could see Steve's reflection in the back seat. He was staring out of his window and though his eyes were open, he looked like he was lost so far in his thoughts that you'd never find him again. Steve had always been a pensive soul and there had been many occasions where he'd float away to a place you couldn't follow.

What was he feeling? Steve had always kept his cards close to his chest but you'd thought he had let some of his guard down around you in the last year. But the man who sat behind you was much more like the closed off person you'd met all those months ago. You'd spent so much time peeling back the layers of thick skin, coaxing him out of the shell he'd built around him, only for the barriers to go back up in mere moments.

You tried to put yourself in his shoes and exercise some of that empathy you were supposed to have. What would it be like to have someone you'd loved in the past come back to the present? Someone who had been ripped away from you, someone you'd never stopped loving. The feeling of tightness in your chest worsened. Empathy didn't feel like a helpful skill to utilize at this moment in time. You looked back at Steve in the mirror, wanting to wrap your arms around him and hold him closely until the anguish left his beautiful features.

This line of thought got you wondering about Peggy Carter. She was the founder of the organization you had worked for, she’d accomplished so many incredible things and had done so at a time where women got even less respect than they do in the present. You hated yourself for comparing your own achievements to that of another woman, but the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy was crushing. In your heart of hearts, you knew that your relationship was over but you were looking for a way for it all to hurt less. What chance did you have against the legendary Agent Carter?

Directing your resentment at Peggy would be the simplest solution, but the logical part of your brain strongly advocated her innocence. You wanted to hate her, the person you had held in such high regard, almost worshiped prior to this day. Did you dare fight for him? You’d heard the tales of their romance and you knew he still kept an old compass with her photograph in the cover. You’d found it once at the back of his sock drawer. How could you even compete? He had previously confessed that the only reason he had stayed with S.H.I.E.L.D. was because of her association with it.

Did you know him as well as you thought you did? Steve was a man of few words, but what he lacked in language use, he often made up for with small acts of service. One of your favorite things that he would often do, without you even realizing when he had done it, was fill your car with gas. It was never empty! He’d make small sketches and leave them on your bedside table for you to find when you woke up, or would slip them in your bag for you to find at work. They were often accompanied by a quote or poem which warmed your heart and brought a smile to your face. It was often little things which made you happiest and to you it counted more than larger romantic gestures which were few and far between. He made you feel comfortable in a way that no one else had and you thought you were special to him.

Sam had often regaled you with tales of their old exploits, saving Bucky from his HYDRA tormentors, the feud over the Sokovia Accords and so many others. You recalled a fond memory of you, Steve and Bucky visiting him in Delacroix, where you’d ended up spending most of your time helping him fix the family’s fishing boat and it almost made you smile. Steve gave his time often and freely to people he cared about. But he did the same for strangers too. He was willing to lay down his life for people he barely knew or had never met. Did that lessen his feelings for you? In the past you would have said no, but the crippling anxiety you sometimes felt was rearing its ugly head.

The emotions and thoughts swirled around inside you, threatening to erupt like a volcano, waiting to leave disaster in their wake. Just when you thought you couldn’t cope with sitting in the SUV any longer and May pulled up in front of your destination. Every movement you made after that felt like you were submerged under water, every step you craved oxygen, but wave after wave pushed you further down. You tried to claw your way to the surface, but you were met with paralyzing resistance, your anguish weighing you down like an anchor, suffocating your very essence. You watched the events unfold through the lenses of frosted glass; entering the building, watching Peggy run towards him, the way he wrapped his arms around her. He didn’t look away, he didn’t look back.

It was excruciating and yet you watched. You watched until you couldn’t. Then you waited. What if he needed you?

At the end of the day, May took your arm and guided you out of the facility. She didn’t drive you home, instead she drove to her house. You’d often suggested that the two of you should live together after you’d left S.H.I.E.L.D. but May had vetoed the idea with a look of pure disgust. But if you’d never moved into your apartment, you’d never have met Steve.

“Do you need help?” you asked. Standing nervously at the breakfast bar watching May move around the kitchen.

“Yeah, make dinner.” She handed you a knife and you standing alone in the kitchen.

One skill that May had never mastered was the art of cooking. You were happy to start slicing and dicing vegetables, trying not to let the knife accidently take off your finger tip as you vehemently attacked the innocent onions. You’d reached the stage of throwing food into hot oil when May returned, with a ridiculously large glass of your favorite wine.

“Wine, really?”

“What were you expecting?”

“To be honest, a sparring session.”

“Easily arranged. But no physical contact, I’m not in the mood to deal with your emotions today.”

“That makes two of us.”

“You’d prefer I get drunk and you get high from that?”

“You remember that alcohol is a depressant, miss M.D?” she said dryly.

You glared at your friend before taking an unnecessarily large mouthful of wine. Even though May had little time for comforting others, she cared deeply for you, something you had once doubted. You were very grateful for her friendship and the support she was currently giving you. It was the small act of kindness which tipped you over the edge. Tears welled up in your eyes, spilling over drop by drop.

“What do you think he's going to do?” you whispered, your lip quivering dangerously.

“Does it matter what I think?”

“He isn’t going to stay with me.”

“He doesn’t deserve you.”

“You think Captain America isn’t good enough for me?” you asked skeptically.

“No.”

“Is anyone?”

May shrugged.

“But I want him,” you sniffled.

Even as the words left your mouth you felt pathetic and desperate. He had never stopped loving her. The voice in your head scolded you for ignoring the fact that you were the one he had settled with. It was your fault for wanting to be special.

Your mind wandered back to the weekend you’d spent with Steve and the baseball game you’d taken him to. It was one of your best memories with him. The joy on his face throughout the game had warmed your heart. You didn’t know a thing about baseball, nor did you care to and it held not a single iota of interest for you. But just because you didn’t understand it or find it interesting, you understood why people could be passionate about a sport. That passion was one of the reasons you’d fell in love with Steve when you’d met him.

That was when you felt like Steve had really opened himself to you. It wasn’t the sex, it wasn’t the words he had used, it wasn’t the way he had said ‘I love you’. It had been the moment he had let himself be vulnerable with you. Steve didn’t talk about his fears to anyone, except maybe Bucky. He was a very reserved individual with strong morals and being given the mantle of Captain America had given him an even bigger reason to uphold an image of strength. It wasn’t an easy responsibility to shoulder and it clearly weighed on him a great deal. Everyone needs someone who they could share their burdens with.

Bucky Barnes was Steve’s best friend, they had a number of shared experiences, he would have been the natural choice to be Steve’s confidant. Except Steve now spent most of his time and energy taking care of the broken supersoldier. It made you feel special, to think that you were the one he had chosen to take care of him, to be his partner, to be worthy of his love. But now you had lost it all.

Dinner was a somber affair following which you curled up on May’s couch. Sleep didn’t come until the early hours of the morning when the tears finally stopped falling.

The coming days were spent hiding out at May’s. Steve tried to call you a number of times but you couldn’t bring yourself to face the situation. You knew you had to go home eventually and there was no way you could avoid him then.

You felt instant regret as you entered your apartment late that night. Sleep deprived and physically exhausted after an intense day of training with May, you rushed into your home and fell into bed. It didn't take long for you to enter a deep slumber, dreaming of the life you could have had.

Morning came far sooner than you would have liked. You washed and dressed on autopilot, trying not to think of the different ways you might run into your beloved Captain. It happened much sooner than expected and liked. On your way out, you heard voices through the door. They sounded happy, full of laughter.

Maybe if you waited, they would leave and you could escape undetected. After a few moments of silence, you peeked through the peephole, the coast looked clear. You pulled open the door and ventured out only to come face to face with the happy couple locked in a kiss.

There was nowhere to go. You'd already closed your front door, trying to unlock it would attract attention, so would any attempt to slip passed. You were well and truly trapped in a nightmare.

Peggy spotted you first. "Oh, hello. You must be our neighbor!"

"Ace," Steve said your name so softly, you wondered if you imagined it.

"It's nice to meet you," Peggy held out your hand.

The years of training allowed your body to respond appropriately while your brain felt like it had been put through a blender. You shook Peggy's hand politely.

"Nice to meet you, too."

Steve was looking at you like he'd been caught committing a crime.

"Hi," you felt compelled to fill the silence.

"I didn't know you were here."

"I got home pretty late last night."

"You two know each other?" Peggy interjected.

Steve introduced you to Peggy. "She used to be a S.H.I.E.L.D agent. Now she is a teacher to some pretty special kids."

"Wow, everyone's part of the family here." She smiled at you warmly.

"Ace, do you think we could have a chat, please?" His eyes were pleading silently.

He wanted to talk about your relationship, your former relationship. Did he want to do it in front of her?

"Maybe we could go for a walk later? After you're done at work?" he clarified.

"Yeah, after work. I should go there, to work, now." You nodded and pushed past them.

"Have a good day," Peggy called after you.

"Thank you," you answered without looking back, not wanting either of them to see your pain.

There was bedlam when you arrived at the Academy. Two of your students had taken it upon themselves to practice their sparring while they waited. Needless to say you spent most of your morning mediating the animosity that had been created in your absence.

By the time you had scratched the surface of your lesson plan, it was 4pm and your students practically dismissed themselves.

"We're not done here! I'd better not come in to any more destruction tomorrow!" you yelled after them.

You received a cacophony of goodbyes with few assurances of peace. You loved your kids but they were exhausting! As you finished cleaning up and making progress notes, you noticed the time and the conversation from the morning came flooding back to you. It was probably time you headed home to face the music.

Steve was waiting for you outside the building. You spotted him before he saw you and you grabbed that moment to admire his physique and how much you missed how he held you.

“Ace!”

His voice broke through your reverie. “Steve,” you greeted him softly. “It’s nice to see you.”

You weren’t lying. It was wonderful to see him, regardless of the situation and what you knew was coming next. Neither of you seemed to know what to do next, the temptation was to fling yourselves into the other’s arms, but that was out of the question. And you could tell Steve was thinking the same.

“Can we go down to the park?”

“Sure.”

“Let me take that for you.” Steve took your bag from your arms, chivalrous to a fault.

You let him, you would have let him do anything in that moment. The walk down towards Prospect Park was tense, both of you felt like you were walking through a field of landmines.

“I spent the whole day trying to figure out what I wanted to say when I saw you. None of it sounds right now you’re actually here.” Steve finally spoke.

“I don’t know if there is anything to say, Steve.”

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Ace. I lo-"

"Don't." You reached up and put your fingers across his lips. It was a little more invasive a move than you'd intended but you couldn't bear hearing Steve tell you he loved you. Not after you'd seen him kissing the love of his life that morning.

"What do we do now?" he asked as you withdrew your fingers.

"Judging by Peggy's greeting this morning, I assume you haven't told her about our… the relationship we had."

Steve didn't answer but the shame on his face spoke volumes.

"Then the answer is simple. We're neighbors. Do you think we can do that?"

"Ace, I don't want to lose you."

"We don't always get what we want, Steve."

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