boringbodywithacrazymind

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

09/29/23 Friday

Lord have mercy on this day for real. Since I started working I earned very little money, but I wanted to bring my kids to Starbucks since they've been asking for awhile. In order to get Starbucks it meant that we needed to get up early, and luckily the girls got up early. We got Starbucks and somehow got to school on time.

I arrive at work and I come to find I forgot to grab my lunch bag that has my breast pumps in at home. So I call Ricardo (BD/hubby) right away and NO ANSWER. I call him multiple times and still no answer. I call my mom and ask if she could pick up Richie (our son) and my breast pump and bring to work so I could feed him and then pump later. She waits practically an hour for Ricardo who continues to not answer his phone. During this time, she keeps texting me how she is stressed and worried and to give Ricardo excuses and I am like O.o???????? Ricardo and Richie are sleeping and if can't hear you knock again he/they are sleeping and they are sleeping in the room which is far away from the front door. So.....wym? I'm sorry you waited, but there is no reason to be so "worried" to be freaked out. Then my dad makes contact with me like "is everything ok?" "what's going on" , "how/where are the girls and Richie?".

Mind you I am at work my dad is at work. My mom does not work and right now Hubby is watching over his son. All the time in fact. What can the people who are at work do for you to be comfortable enough to cause drama? What is my dad going to do? Kill the battery on my phone? He's at work. Stop bothering and making my dad worry as if something is wrong. Like dude wtf is wrong with you?

I tell him everything is okay, Ricardo finally calls me back and after going back and forth when they could literally talk to each other and at this point I am so over it. Like I am not going crazy at work cause it's so busy.

Mom finally shows up to my job and I am able to breastfeed and talk to my mom for a little bit; about Manong and his issues at home that Mom does not know about (I was very vague, all I said was that he was mad and needed a sister to talk to since him and Manang Jerily aren't talking): she told me to tell him "just call her" like she is the solver to all the problems. Like no ma'am you're one of our biggest stressors. Anyway.... -_-

I call Ricardo and see that Richie is with him. I thought she would want to keep him for the day, but clearly like I have always said she was not meant to be a mom and is not capable of Caring for my kids. She only does it because she like the attention and validation.

Dad calls me around 4PM after my mom texts me "Nakong, kids want me to ask you if it's ok wd you for them to come wd us tonight sa church (play wd their friends) and sleep wd us. Kung ayaw mong matulog sila dito, just say so ihatid naming dual ng mag 10. Among say mo?".

I replied, "No church tonight mama. Are they home?"

"Wd us yes. Want me to bring them home now kc I'm cooking"

"I can pick them up after I'm done with work"

Dad calls me basically calling me disrespectful because I said their house stinks. I ask him how was I suppose to say anymore nicely their house stinks when I have been saying that for WEEKS. The house is freaking disgusting. It's way too dirty for someone who does not have a job. No wonder why they are sick all the time. Instead of going around taking people who can't do anything for you or be there when you need them; or listening to people who dupe you, OR being told to go somewhere you have no need to go like camping on your grandchild's birthday...............just cause your son called you to go. I am just so frustrated with them it's making me physically sick. I just need help with the girls getting picked up from school. Literally fuck everything else....girls are hungry? Cool there's food at home. They are not starving. They are not pitiful cause they go home hungry.

I am just so over the unnecessary drama. Go away bipolar ass.

#familydrama #parents #grandparents #bipolar #mother #children #marriage #family #husband #love #work #babysitting

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

School Phots pc: Mable Barron 2023 ~ 1st Grade/ TK

#firstdayofschool #firstgrade #transitionalkindergarden #sisters #puertoricanandfilipino #mestiza

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

With God's mercy and grace, He blessed me with a healthy baby boy. November, 25th, 2022, I found two pink lines on a home pregnancy test that started my rainbow baby journey. On 07/19/2023 I thought my water broke in the shower around 6 AM. Dad took me to Lodi Memorial hospital where the nurse confirmed at 7 am that I was only 2cm dilated and to go home and come back once the contractions are worse, and a contraction that lasts minute within 4-5 minutes of each other. I was really feeling the contractions and had to wait in the waiting room of the hospital for my husband since he had a doctor's appointment that morning. Every contraction I would stand up, rock myself, breathe, watch labour videos, and sleep. Eventually hubby came and picked me up around 11 AM, and went home. I decided to speed up the process by sleeping. Hubby and I napped until around 2/3 PM where I told hubby we need to go to the EDD office to fix my maternity leave. I kept breathing, bending over, rocking, and walking while waiting to be called and boy did it take forever. Everyone was getting nervous and ready to call the ambulance cause they said I was about to give birth in the office LOL. I persevered and went back home. Not even an hour or so later; after all different type of positions to relieve the pain, I finally broke down crying and begged hubby to bring in. At this point, I was shaking, crying, and bending over at the pain, discomfort, and contractions. I never cry so I can only imagine how my hubby felt when he saw as such. The nurse was even surprised because I was not my bubbly self at all; to come and find out I was already 6cm dilated. I quickly told her I am ready for an epidural. The anesthesiologist who inserted my epidural was impressed at how much I stayed still for him that the nurse was like "did he start yet?". (inner laugh at memory). Once medicated I was able to lay down and booooyyyyyyyy did the meds kick in and I was back to cracking jokes and laughing with my nurses. Doctor and anesthesiologist Doctor continued to come in and out checking on me and artifically broke my water. I was texting everyone and anyone who was loving me and my little family. Around 7/8 PM or so I FaceTimed my CMC friends and they were all excited to see the little man, but as soon as I started talking to them my nurse said I could start pushing since I was 10 cm dilated. I hung up the phone and with a couple pushes and 30 minutes later, Ricardo "Richie" Santos Cepeda Jr. was born: 8:36 PM by Dr. Escalona weighing in at 8 lbs 7 oz, 20 in length. Now he's a whopping 2 months old, holding in at 13.05 lbs, 22.5 inches long. I kept this pregnancy on the down low because I couldn't fathom losing this baby too (10/18/22). But definitely the love we received was nothing, but overwhelming and I couldn't be more thankful. Thankful to God for a healthy baby, safe delivery, and surrounding me and my lil family with people who love us unconditionally.

#baby #babyboy #vaginaldelivery #pregnancy #hospital #breastfeeding #mother #thirdchild #postmiscarriage #blessed #thankful #amazing #love #babies #children #marriage #friends

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

Upset is an Understatement

Before I continue boss ass mom shit like getting shit together I just wanna vent here for a minute cause in cases like this; it's not cool to tell people outside..... I am super upset and disappointed in my family. Like I already knew how they are, but now at this point I am just not letting anyone in or a part of my family. I am not about to entertain half ass efforts. You can do that to me cause like I don't give AF, but when you affect my kids I won't. I was surprised and happy to have been invited to my brother's house to have dinner with them and my uncle maning and his family. So of course we show up. That's family. That's what family does yk? You don't have to be Iglesia Ni Cristo to show up for family. Blood. During this time I was already trying to plan something for Manong's (my brother), Caria Lovely, and Angelica's (my niece) birthday. I kept bringing it up, but I was being ignored so I let it go. Well here we are now. Over the weekend, I asked what everyone was doing and they chose to go camping with people from church. Like what? "It just so happened everyone is off work?" Bullshit!

I am so upset. Even my mom was in talking about going as well with my dad, but I was like....Did Manong advise you not to go? Camping is not the move, especially when Mom and Dad are always "weak", "sick", in "pain"; not to mention they're old! My kids love my parents so much, but they're going to miss her birthday cause my brother wants them to go camping? Bruh WTF. It sucks, but imma just start making moves. I gotta get out of this state of California fr fr.

I am not doing this again where another birthday is ruined because of my whack ass family.

#movingstates #familydrama #birthday

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

Two of the most important things I've learned and come to believe in my 30 some years: the fact that the parental figures of my life have all let me down really has nothing to do with me, and some people in this world truly don't deserve their children.

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

Can anyone anyone reach out to you if they’re going through something?

I wouldn’t see why not

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

Baby #4

Due date is 07/25/23

I haven't even been able to be excited like I want to or else I would've already posted about this 4th pregnancy. Maybe later when I have more mental energy.

#miscarriage #mental #health #pregnancy

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

Dreading Updating

01/22/23

I can't seem to stop thinking about 10/18/22. How can I when I got pregnant again and my due date is based off my miscarriage. Ricardo and I are in a weird place again..... because I can't let go of the fact he had sex more than once with Anissa and that he gets so mad and defensive when I bring up the facts that he has females including Anissa on his social media. He acts like he doesn't have intentions. You can intentions, but not acting on them you know what I mean? All this information keeps eating at me. The fact I can't live off my own income and credit score to live on my own like even my own apartment is super frustrating.

This pregnancy has been a hard journey and it's affecting my work. My mental state especially has been affecting me. The girls getting sick and passing it to me causing me to miss work is hard. Thankfully Cardo has been helping financially, but I can't help but feel like he isn't here and doesn't want to be here. Like my parents are in the Philippines right now and he seems to be more distant than ever. It makes me sick and it makes my morning (all day) sickness even worse.

To top it off, my youngest daughter is going through some type of rebellious phase cause she is not listening and nothing so far has been working to correct her behavior. She doesn't like going to school in the morning anymore and I am not sure what to do. Analisa is annoying as ever but is my sweetheart. I wonder if she'll be the one giving me hell when she becomes a teenager. Only the future can tell.

I started my Zoloft yesterday. Dr. says it will take about 4-6 weeks for it to take affect. It sucks to be on medication again, but I need to really think about myself and my health. No one will take care of me and my children like I can or will. I want/need to be better, but this will be my start. It will hinder my return to the military, but tbh I think that is out of the option now. I don't know why I think going back to the military would help me or my situation any.

Sigh~

#parenting #parenthood #motherhood #children #daughters

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

October 2022 Part 2 

As I am on the phone with the 911 dispatcher, and trying to explain I could be losing my baby right now.... police showed up and then the firefighters was coming and I wanted to leave to get to the hospital and kept telling the dispatcher I need to leave, but I didn't want to leave the scene of the accident. I tried to tell the officer, but he wanted my driver's license and registration and insurance, so I provided everything to get going. At this time the pain started to get more intense, my body was getting into fight or flight mode because I had an accident before with my youngest daughter, overall just a overwhelming and scary experience. The police found out that my DL expired literally 2 days ago Saturday 10-15 on my birthday and did not want me to park the car into the parking lot. They did not want to help me or help the situation any better. I kept asking the officer's where are the EMTs and ambulance. They were like "we have sirens and lights right now". I felt the blood and pressure in my abdomen and did my best to hold everything because I did not want to lose my baby.

Firefighters showed up first and just surrounded the area. They got basic information from me, my name, and how far along I am, primary doctor, vitals. Then the police were asking for my niece's information, super rude by the way, cause she had no identification on her. Well, duh she doesn't drive, she has a state ID and passport, but not usually needed to have on hand going anywhere within city limits. Within the state of California really.... no drinking no drug use, had seat belts on, clean driving record, no previous citations or tickets or driving violations. And my license expired over the coarse of the weekend. It was literally Monday. Police wouldn't have known about the DL if it wasn't for the accident I didn't even cause. Only that I needed medical attention.

Finally the ambulance and EMTs showed up minutes after everyone was showing up and did the same thing with vitals and basic information. Everyone was talking about my expired license, my previous service in the Army, and the need of medical attention. I kept telling everyone and pleading to let me go to the hospital but PD didn't want to let us go. I didn't understand what the hold up was considering I gave all the information needed and that I was not driving or anything and I can have someone pick up the car instead of having it towed. It didn't make any sense delaying my medical care.

Finally EMTs were able to get the green light and load me on the ambulance and they even went our their way to bring my niece instead of leaving her stranded on the side of the road. As soon as they were about to close the second door, they were stopped by an officer who claimed they were going to give me a card. I thought it would be quick a card with a case number on it and the name of the police officer in case I needed to get in contact with them. 5-10 minutes pass by and everyone is mad at this point and the police officer comes back with my citation of my expired license. And instead of my car being towed away or picked up by a family member, the fireman was kind enough to drive my car to the hospital. So, I signed the citation just ready to go; to leave. I was so upset, mad, sad cause I wanted to save my baby, but I knew deep down it was already too late because I felt everything "leaving" at this point.

Truly grateful for the firefighters and EMT who truly were the heroes during this incredibly stressful time in getting me to and in the hospital. They really took care of me. And I super appreciate the nurses, techs, lab phlebotomists, and the doctor for showing me the utmost courtesy and respect and care upon arrival, during, and throughout discharge.

Anyway, long story short everything was super fast and I was able to give a urine sample and ultrasound and at this point it was around 5:30 PM. I called 911 at 2:55 PM. When I gave the urine sample was when my whole life fell apart. I was staring at my baby and it's remnants in the toilet. The urine sample was saturated with blood. I felt bad on whoever had to do the urine dip. I fell apart in my brothers embrace.....as much as we were joking and trying to laugh, I was literally dying inside. From the pain and from the loss and just from the experience.

Summarizing the next couple of hours, Dr. told me he couldn't find the baby. I didn't mention to him the baby was flushed down the toilet so when he told me that my HCG levels were still faintly showing a positive pregnancy, the ultrasound showed no sign of life, at this point in time, it registered to me I was no longer carrying a baby. I was diagnosed and discharged with a threatened miscarriage and a UTI. Different providers can tell me anything they want, but I know why I lost the pregnancy. It wasn't because I was 1 out of 3 women; it's common to have a incompatible pregnancy. I lost the baby due to stress, illness (stomach flu), over working (2 jobs and constant care of a 5 and 4 year old at home), and finally the accident. It was a multitude of events that led up to my miscarriage.

Angelica and I left the ER at 7 PM or so.......and started my journey to recovery....physically, mentally, but most of all emotionally. I miss my baby already and I just regret not seeking medical attention sooner. Not at least, being able to measure and take an ultrasound picture of my angel baby; estimating 5 weeks 5 days gestation.

I will miss you forever my little one. You didn't stay with mommy long and wasn't able to meet your sisters who were eagerly waiting for you. Just know you were wanted and you're loved. God has bigger plans for us I guess and I will leave it in His capable hands. We love you bug. Say Hi to our cousin J-Raxx up there and continue to warm our seats in heaven. I'll do my best to stop crying.

#heaven #loss #family #miscarriage #baby #child #accident #car accident #law enforcement #medical #medical attention #firefighters #emt #police #hospital #hurt #grieving

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

October 2022

I've been avoiding writing this post....but considering I need to get it off my chest and really document my pain instead of compartmentalizing all the time here we go.

I told my friends/co-workers I hate my birthday. I really hate the end of the year because the start of September until the end of the year gets really stressful, then a small break until it's time for taxes.

Anyway, my peers were like "oh no girl we want to know when your birthday is and don't say that you hate your birthday" or "why". I hate my birthday because something bad or super stressful happens around this time. And like I always call it, end of September to the first week of October; October 1st to the 5th to be exact, my children had the stomach flu. Symptoms included fevers, diarrhea, vomiting, and fatigue. I was washing soiled underwear, administered medication, and monitored symptoms constantly. Then once the kids got better I went down with the stomach flu. Oh my gosh did I feel so sick, but I refused vomit so I drank Zofran, fever/pain reducer, and whatever to help ease the symptoms. The girls were able to go to school first, but while I still recovered I had to make sure everything was disinfected and sheets were all washed....all while I still felt gross and fatigued.

Same day, that Wednesday, I kicked my husband out the house because I was so stressed and tired of constantly seeking his attention and love. I was so tired and angry about him messaging another girl and so on and so forth. Always the same argument every time. I was just so over it.

So I finally went back to work and they girls continued life like usual, but the girls began to really act up and become more emotional and I knew it was because their dad wasn't home. They would want to FaceTime him and ask him when he would come home or ask if he could lay down or sleep with them. It absolutely broke my heart. It was a good time for me to really reflect myself and everything and my support group was all there for me. I got the divorce paperwork and maybe some time soon I can fill those out and file it.

Fast forward to 10/14/22, you can refer to my earlier post of how I found out I was pregnant. I had told my husband about the baby on my birthday 10/15 and he wasn't the happiest. If anything he was super disappointment and frustrated to say the least. He also mentioned how he doesn't like me being pregnant and that he prefers making love me while not being pregnant and "big"; long story short. I stayed quiet cause I somewhat felt the same in the timing of the baby. But overall I was really excited and happy to know we have another baby on the way.

We decided to have husband come home because of the baby and the girls missed him a lot. This requires a lot of patience on both parts. As we started to get accustomed to our usual ways, I went to work and got the girls to school like any regular day right? 10/18/22 I started to feel slight cramping/pressure and a bloody discharge the size of a dime or nickel. I asked my nurse practitioner if it is something to worry about and literally everyone told me to head to the ER.

I was scared and to be honest I already told my husband, cause I felt it, that the baby wasn't going to stay. I told him this on my birthday. Maybe baby knew, baby somehow knew, he or she wasn't wanted and so he or she left.....since we weren't ready. God knew and knows. He can bless and take away a blessing whenever he feels fit to do so.

Before I head to the ER, Lodi Memorial Hospital, where I received treatment and gave birth to my Analisa and Caria Lovely, I picked up my niece Angelica to accompany me for moral support. 3 minutes from the hospital, we were rear ended by a man. A man who apparently had no driver's license, no insurance, and the vehicle was not his under the pretenses that he "honestly didn't see me because he was changing the music on his phone".

Part 2....

#miscarriage #car accident #rear end #baby #child #accident #family

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

Found out I was pregnant 10/14/2022 surrounded by the best people ever. Took one more test 10/16/22 because the tests were super light. Confirmed miscarriage 10/18/22 and complete miscarriage 10/21/22.

#miscarriage #family #baby #child #mother

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

Mr. and Mrs. Cepeda

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

The man I love most in the world and the man who makes me feel the loneliest girl in the world. My husband........

[boringbodywithacrazymind]

The greatest leadership/friends/sistership I have