bpcparents

[bpcparents]

It’s okay to rest your weary head...

Sometimes we all need to rest our weary head, take pause and simply sit for a moment.

It may not look pretty. We may look a mess. But, we are doing exactly what we are meant to do, at that moment.

Some days we truly need to rest our weary head.

Maybe we are in overdrive due to not being able to shut down thoughts, which perseverate through our mind, day after day, and the stress taking hold, causing feelings of isolation...

It’s okay to rest your weary head.

Maybe it’s taking on too much as a Mom and attempting to be everything to everyone, answering what feels like hundreds of questions daily, while our name is being called over and over again...

It’s okay to rest your weary head.

Maybe it’s the balance of work, friends, family and everyday stressors taking over and suffocating who you are as an individual woman...

It’s okay to rest your weary head.

It’s okay to say no.

It’s okay to take a break.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed even when trying your best to keep life moving forward with positivity.

So friends, no matter what is weighing heavy on your heart and no matter what is weighing you down, know this to be true...

It’s okay to take pause and do what is meant for you at that moment.

Not what is meant for your friend. Not what is meant for your mother. Not what is meant for your neighbor and not what is meant for your sister.

You. Do what is right for you.

Do you need a break away?

Do you need ten minutes alone to regroup?

Whatever it may be, acknowledge what you need and give yourself permission to lay down your head, take a deep breathe and move forward along your journey.

Your soul will thank you for the respite.

It’s okay mama to rest your weary head.

Ali Flynn Ali lives in New York with her four teenage daughters and her husband. She is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Moms and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents and Her View From Home. You can also find her at   https://www.facebook.com/hangintheremama where she keeps motherhood real.

#AliFlynn #Motherhood #Wellness #Restoration

[bpcparents]

A Year Later…

It was the first week of March 2020. I was sitting in a circle of moms. The issues we usually discuss were tossed aside. Instead, we talked about the need to keep our hands away from our faces. We wondered if school was really going to close. What might it be like to home school? Would parents really be expected to be teachers? Would it really matter? We hoped aloud that the shutdown wouldn’t be for long anyway. There was a chorus of voices proclaiming, “Well, the kids HAVE to go to camp!”

A few weeks later, I was walking in my neighborhood (wasn’t everybody?!) when I saw a scene that was reminiscent of my childhood. Children and parents were riding bikes down the street. I soon realized that I was seeing bikers on my street every day. Wow! What could be better, I asked? Families are exercising out in the fresh air together. No one is rushing to birthday parties and all sorts of extracurricular activities. This pandemic thing could be a gift after all.

A year ago, all we could do was imagine. What would a pandemic lifestyle look like? How many people would be affected? How would our lives change? How would our relationships change? Little did we know.  

The past year has been transformative in so many ways. We are all at least a bit different than we were at this time one year ago. We have grown and we have shrunken. We have learned and we have forgotten. It is possible that we have been sadder than we have ever been, and yet, at moments, at our happiest.

Right now, we can only imagine what life will look like for each of us after a pandemic.         - What have we learned that we want to take with us?   - What do we definitely want to leave behind?   - What matters to us now that we didn’t think about before?   - What has been missing in our relationships?   - How have our relationships been more special than ever?   - What precious moments were we able to enjoy because our lives were so different?    - What precious moments are we missing that we need to bring back into our lives?     - Who are we now?   - Who do we want to be?

I have learned more over the past 12 months than I ever could have imagined. I have been disheartened by the actions of some people, yet grateful beyond belief for those of others. I have felt sustained by how simple life can be, yet despondent at how difficult it has sometimes been. I have felt hopeful and hopeless, sometimes at almost the same time. I have felt immeasurable gratitude for my family’s health, and have despaired at the losses some close to me have experienced. I have laughed hard, and have cried even harder.

On a practical note, I’ve learned to share my screen, to put light in front of me instead of behind, and that adding a necklace to a sweatsuit can be just professional enough. I’ve learned how to proof yeast and make really good bread. I’ve learned that my neighborhood is very beautiful at different seasons and that I should always take time to notice. I’ve learned that attending evening meetings from home might be preferable to going out, no matter what’s going on in the world.  

Most of all, I’ve learned about you, the parents of the precious children who have continued to grow and develop, despite and/or because of the pandemic. You are my heroes. I do not say that lightly, and I say it with certainty. Whether you have been juggling work and parenthood on a daily basis, or you have lost your job and managed to stay upbeat and positive for your family, or you have been a full time parent every moment of every day… you have provided what many of you never thought you could for your children. In case you are not aware of what makes you heroic, I will share what is obvious to me.

You are resilient.  You have navigated more ups and downs than anyone had any right to expect of you. Some days have been hard, but you haven’t given up, despite having no ability or time to refuel. You greet your children each morning, continuing to see the possibilities of each day, whether it is Day 3 or Day 361.  

You are creative.  I have been amazed at the birthday parties, cooking experiences, games, craft projects, and everyday fun times you have either invented, or searched for online in order to keep your families engaged and happy.  

You are flexible.  Even those among you who needed structure the most adapted to the unpredictability of online school, quarantines, and unexpected interruptions into your work days. You may not have liked it, but you adapted. You have “gone with the flow” much more than many of you ever expected you could.

You have a sense of humor that’s still intact.  You remember to laugh, sometimes when you most feel like crying. You realize the importance of your children experiencing your silly side, and that if they see you happy, they will be more likely to feel happy as well.

You allow yourself to be imperfect.  You know now, more than ever, that parenting is not about being perfect. It’s about being there, and being who you really are. It’s about blowing it sometimes so your children know they don’t have to be perfect either. It’s about forgiving yourself so that your children can forgive themselves also.  

You respect your children.  You continue to be aware of each of your children’s unique needs, and do your best, even in the worst of times, to be there for them in the way they need you to be.

You show and allow emotion.  You know your feelings and those of your children are real. They need to be acknowledged and allowed in order for you to move forward as individuals and as a family.  

You are hopeful.  You continue to believe that your family will move forward from the place they have been for the past year, and that each of you will actually be stronger and better as a result of the experience you have had.

If your children are still going to bed each night with a hug and waking up to a parent who is still there for them, ready to start a brand new day, no matter what happened the day before, you are my hero. This has been a very tough year for parents. No one could prepare you for what you have faced. You have done the best you could, and, if your family is still clothed, fed, and most of all, laughing, the best you could do is good enough!

Thank you for being the heroes your children have needed you to be. Thank you for being the heroes the world has needed you to be. Thank you for being my heroes. I am hopeful for the future because of you.

Adrian Kalikow Adrian has been involved with the education of young children and parents for over 40 years.  With a belief that parenting is the most important job anyone can do, Adrian pursued a program of study through the Parent Coaching Institute at Seattle Pacific University, and became a PCI Certified Parent Coach®. She has a private parent coaching practice, in which she helps individuals, couples and groups deal with their parenting challenges and move toward a better place in their parenting relationships. As the mother of 3 grown children and the grandmother of 4, Adrian sees her family experience as her best qualification for her current work, helping parents be the best they can be for their children and themselves.

#AdrianKalikow #parenting #covid #hope #resiliency #heroes

[bpcparents]

What has COVID-19 and Grief and Bereavement Work Taught Me So Far

I have been working with people in grief and bereavement for the last couple of years now. I started this work despite my husband's, mother's, and some friends' objections and worries. "Why do you do this to yourself?" some asked. I didn't understand the question and none of my answers were relatable to the question's bearer. I know people who loved me wanted to protect me from feeling sad or getting hurt. The inevitable nature of loss is embedded in any organism's organic livelihood. We humans carry the torch of logical thought, emotional understanding, and the highest cognitive abilities among all mammals. Yet we forget this simple fact every day: just like we are born, we die. I am not writing this to make anyone upset. I want to write about the preciousness of every breathing moment we have in this beautiful experience we call life.  

In the early days of April 2020, the COVID-19 virus caught me. I was nailed in bed, continually checking my fever and oxygen level, feeling scared and lonely. My husband was stuck overseas on a business trip and my daughters had to take care of me.  It was a strange time. The virus held me tight, put me at a standstill in my life. I felt almost suspended in the air looking down at my life, thinking "What if I die today?" I wanted to see my 50th birthday in August. I wanted to see my husband again. I wanted to hold my daughters again.  I wanted to have a cup of tea with friends again. I wanted to swim in the Mediterranean sea again. I wanted to be able to get up and cook and then eat with my family again. The richness of my life and my experiences overwhelmed me. My desire to work and help many more in grief and bereavement grew ten times more. I wanted to help many more people find meaning and hope in their sorrow.

It took me eight weeks to feel physically almost normal again. I don't think that I will ever forget the experience. A young man whom I knew to be a healthy athlete got sick with the Corona virus around the same time that I did. Unfortunately, he died. Why him? Why not me? Those questions shook me to my core. I still have no answers but now, every morning, I open up my eyes and tell myself that anything can happen today. It could be the last day of my life or the last day of any of my loved ones' lives. How do I want to spend my day? What are my choices? How can I help my first Lyme and then COVID-19 hit body function better? How can I be helpful to my family, friends, and clients? Every night going to bed has become a whole celebration… another day spent in this beautifully rich existence. And I have got to see my 50th birthday! I lived half a century! Who knew?

Sedef Orsel Sedef is a bilingual social scientist, researcher, educator, a published writer, an ACPI Certified Coach for Parents & Families, and a certified Connection Parenting instructor. Sedef has a BA degree in Sociology and a MS degree in Social Research from Hunter College, NY. During and after her graduate studies she teamed up with fellow researchers to volunteer for projects benefiting kids in NY area. After the year of 2000 she has actively worked for children’s literature in Turkish and helped many English written books to be published in this language. Sedef has not only worked behind the scenes but also wrote and have her own children’s books published in Turkish language. She has been writing for blogs and magazines in both languages. One of her latest achievements was to have Pam Leo’s wonderful book ‘Connection Parenting’ translated in Turkish. The book came into print in April 2011 with her foreword.   Sedef’s parenting blog in Turkish also has been turned into a book and printed by the same publisher in June 2014. With her multicultural background and her solid education in social sciences, Sedef has a great understanding of both traditional and non-traditional family environments. She coaches, teaches, writes and practices coaching both in English and Turkish. Her interest areas are Non-Violent Communication, Mindfulness, Yoga and learning for all ages. She lives with her family in Pound Ridge, NY.

#grief #bereavement #covid-19 #celebration #gratitude #SedefOrsel

[bpcparents]

INTEGRITY: The imperfect path toward a more perfect union starts at home

In January of 2020, students at Darien High School entered faculty offices on a Saturday and took photos of answers to two sophomore exams, one in English and one in Social Studies. The information was then widely distributed over social media, implicating about 300 students.

In December of 2020, 73 cadets at West Point were accused of cheating on a calculus exam at the US Military Academy, where an honor code requires students to pledge that they “will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.” The majority of the students involved (55 of them) had actually been enrolled in a program designed to be an “honor code boot camp” as a second chance.

Debates unfolded in both learning communities in the wake of their respective scandals, revealing divided opinion about both the causes and effects of academic dishonesty. While a student in Darien complained that those who had cheated at her school were “not really experiencing any consequences that are substantial enough for their actions," the parents of one of the teenagers involved actually hired an attorney to contest the school district’s handling of the penalties for his client.

Even officials within West Point were at odds over the matter there. Lt. Col. Christopher Ophardt, the academy’s public affairs director, said that the rehabilitation program was designed to increase the likelihood that people would report violations, since the penalty could be less severe than expulsion. Despite the 2020 lapse, he defended the Military Academy’s response, arguing that West Point “has slowly transitioned to a developmental model that relies on a combination of punishment and additional development to restore a cadet to good standing after a violation.” Tim Bakken, a West Point law professor took a less rosy view, charging that failure to handle a cheating scandal aggressively and transparently — and to encourage a culture of honesty — could infect the thinking of generals and their approach to informing the public. “The United States has not been successful in its last four wars,” Professor Bakken said. “The failure of the military to tell us the truth is a big part of the reason.”

As a parent and an educator who has taught for more than twenty years at both the secondary and university levels, I can testify that the battle for academic integrity is not a new one. That said, it has been surfacing with unprecedented intensity in the last year. In reaching for reasons, it’s easy to blame online learning, since the pandemic has forced so many students of all ages to connect to their classes from home. As a high school teacher conducting courses remotely since last March, however, I can testify that the online argument is a red herring. The internet has been accessible for decades now, and the exams stolen in the cases detailed above were both in hard copy. The problem isn’t the medium; it’s the context of our current political culture.

After more than 200 years of peaceful transitions of power in the United States, rioters stormed the nation’s Capitol in a violent insurrection that culminated in the death of five Americans, including a US Capitol police officer. The attack was incited by baseless claims of voter fraud from the highest office in the land and intended to interfere with certification of electoral college ballots. But the events of January 6th, 2021 were not isolated incidents; they followed years of falsehoods and misinformation perpetuated by an administration that vilified the free press and perpetuated conspiracy theories by trafficking in “alternative facts.” From climate change to COVID-19, science was denied within policies that saw the US withdraw from international agreements on the environment and has already resulted in the nearly 450,000 American lives lost so far to a virus for which no national defense was undertaken.

What do these developments in the government have to do with dishonesty in the classroom? Everything.

Accountability is learned, and when discourse at the national level takes place within a context that relativizes rather than reveres the truth, we model to the younger generation that integrity has no meaning.

The weeks ahead are critical: the former president has been impeached again and his Senate trial this time puts the entire country on the witness stand. Neither partisan squabbling nor legal loopholes will redeem the damages already done. Whether or not convictions are delivered, there is an opportunity that this country cannot afford to miss: we must categorically condemn acts of violence and stand firmly against forces that erode our very democracy. As a Resolution recently adopted by the Town of Bedford reminds us, “the insurgents carried Confederate flags, displayed antisemitic symbols and slogans, and erected a gallows on Capitol grounds, manifesting bigotry, hatred, and utter disregard for the rule of law.” True justice can only be achieved when leaders commit to political processes that uphold the safety and welfare of all.

Holding people accountable for their actions matters, from high school students to politicians. And there is far too much at stake at this juncture for anybody to give in to self-righteousness. I’ve encountered the most constructive conversations through Civics education courses. More than just grounding people in the basics of governing structures, Civics done well critically begins by backing up well beyond 1776 to reckon with our country’s history before it declared itself an independent republic. The three branches of government after all are rooted not just in political philosophy but in lands stolen from Indigenous populations and labored over by enslaved human beings. The inconsonance of stated values with enacted policies strikes even the youngest students. These foundational hypocrisies require more than polite classroom debate; they merit real and often uncomfortable engagement in the facts in pursuit of truth. Winning a trial or even being “right” can’t alone achieve true justice; that takes genuine understanding forged in brave spaces.

In a recent community event online focused on the documentary True Justice, panelist Dr. Alexander Smith with the New York organization Rehabilitation Through the Arts was asked how he holds people accountable in working for racial justice. He answered by imparting the term “Critical Humility,” which he defined as “the practice of remaining open to the fact that our knowledge is always partial and evolving -- while at the same time remaining committed to speaking up and taking action in a world based on our current knowledge, however imperfect.” The concept has the potential to make confrontations truly transformative. As Dr. Smith exhorted the audience of young people and adults alike, “We need to expose our vulnerabilities; we need to be there and live in that and help others expose their vulnerabilities... that’s how we have change.”

Parents can begin to cultivate critical humility at home by exercising accountability that starts with themselves. Think hatching an excuse to avoid an awkward social situation is just a harmless “little white lie”? There’s no such thing, and the children are watching. Rather than duck a difficulty, we can face it candidly, without manipulation. We can apologize to our kids when we make mistakes. We can trade out “blame and shame” routines of punishment for a growth mindset that builds responsibility and mutual respect instead. Doing so anchors accountability as a shared practice and social standard by which young people can then measure the wider world and their place in it.

This also means letting go of the ego-bound aspirations for our children that are more self-serving as status-boosters for parents. Recent SAT scandals involving celebrities Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman brought to light much larger college admissions schemes that pointed to corruption at all levels, including coaches, administrators, test proctors, tutors, and others in pay-to-play agreements that involved millions of dollars.

Is there an antidote to this rampant dishonesty? If so, it may lie in exhortations from Julie Lythcott-Haims, the best-selling author whose books highlight how ego-based parenting stunts the development of children and society at large. Adulting, she argues, is a process of “becoming more comfortable with uncertainty and gaining the knowhow to keep going.” Just as parents need to halt freighting their kids with expectations and micromanaging their lives, we need to embrace the imperfections inherent in any project -- whether childrearing or democracy -- that aspires to self-sufficiency, resilience, and integrity.

Elizabeth Messinger is a former journalist with NPR and The Economist of London. Through her educational consultancy, Mind in Motion, she guides children of all ages to think for themselves, and she teaches Humanities at an independent school in Stamford, CT. She raised her son in Bedford, where together they ran the Toddler Room at the Presbyterian Church for nearly a decade. She continues to parent from NY as he attends college in California.

#ElizabethMessinger #parenting #integrity #accountability #CriticalHumility

[bpcparents]

Laughter

What sounds like an animal call, is contagious, shapes our social connection and makes our lives better? The answer is laughter! Imagine, for one second, our lives without laughter.

When my youngest son was an infant sitting in his high chair, I spontaneously made a face that brought him to hysterical fits of laughter. When I stopped, he stopped. When I made the face again, the hysterics came forth. I remember this clearly because my parents were visiting. My mom was in the kitchen with me but my dad was in the other room. Every time my son laughed, my mom and I laughed. But what was so sweet is that I could also hear my dad laughing from the other room.

Laughing is our universal language, not owned by any one civilization. Even animals laugh! Laughing shapes our social connection, maintains our social bonds, and creates agreement and understanding. When we laugh with someone we feel closer to him or her and included in his or her circle. Alternatively, laughing can have the opposite effect – it can be used as a way to exclude, make fun of and exert power over someone else.

Did you know there are many shades of laughter? There is the polite laughter that occurs in certain social and work situations, the uncomfortable and “awkward moment” laughter and then there is the delightfully truthful and authentic laughter. If you listen closely to giggles, polite chuckles, and full-blown guffaws, you can learn a significant amount of information about people and their relationships with each other.

The best laughter of all, however, is the laughing until your belly hurts kind of laughing; the rolling on the floor kind of laughing; the can’t stop laughing because the other person can’t stop laughing kind of laughing.

The last theatrical play I was in I was rehearsing with my scene partner and he did something silly and very out of character. We both couldn’t stop laughing. Every time we attempted the scene, our giggles took over. It got to the point where we just had to stop and move on to something else. I was embarrassed by my behavior, but the director thought it was wonderful. As actors portraying a mother and son, this fit of giggling laughter brought us closer, which in turn, made our performance more truthful.

We do the best kind of laughing with those closest to us. How we laugh with someone is a clue to how connected we are to them. The opposite is true too, of course. If we find someone’s laugh irritating, it’s very likely it has nothing to do with the laugh and everything to do with the person.

Our laughter means something. We laugh differently with strangers than we do with life long friends. The sound of a polite laugh is much different than the sound of an uncontrolled belly laugh. Our laughter shows how well we know a person, how much we like them.

Most importantly, however, laughing makes us feel better and those around us feel better. When we feel better we are happier, and the people we live with are happier. There is truth in the cliché, “Laughing is the best form of therapy.”

My advice is to try and laugh every day. Comedian Milton Berle once said, “Laughter is an instant vacation.” And after this past year, we sure could use as many instant vacations as possible.

Kathy DiBiasi Kathy is a sales marketer-turned-educator passionate about working with youth. She is a current board member for the Westchester Youth Alliance, a non-profit organization based in Westchester County, NY that builds skills in youth preparing them to fully function as activists in a democratic society. Prior to this, Kathy was the Education Director at the Bedford Presbyterian Church (BPC) in Bedford, NY. With over a decade of experience Kathy specializes in creating and leading service projects for middle school and high school teens. When Kathy isn’t working you will find her at the theater, either in the audience or, her preference, on stage.

#KathyDiBiasi #Laughter #Connection

[bpcparents]

Ups and Downs of Life; How to Live, Love and Grieve

“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved; it simply wants to be witnessed, exactly as it is.” - Parker Palmer

Birth, Life, Love, Living, Death, and Grieving: We just do it, but how?  

We all do it in different ways. Some of those ways are healthy and others are not healthy. Truth is there is no recipe or “how to” book for us to follow. Well, I am sure there might be many books about it but if those books are telling you “this is the way” then they can be misleading and sending you down a path of uncertainty and unnaturalness. I can think of two main things needed for me to live, love, and grieve in a healthy way: openness to my own heart and thoughts and a support network of friends and/or family. You might find other avenues to help you through your journey but knowing you are right in how you feel joy and sadness is just as important.  

The focus in this blog is for you to find your own way and make your own path for love, living and grieving: self-learned and self-explored. These are things we don’t seem to give our kids or ourselves these days: a chance to figure things out, explore our thoughts, and try them out to see what works.

In my life I have experienced great joys and loss. I’d say my first loss started at age two when my parents divorced and my father left town. To be honest it wasn’t the divorce or lack of a father in my life that was sad or upsetting, it was the impact it left on my older sister who lived in that shadow of loss for years. When I was in 6th grade my paternal grandmother died and that was sad, but for me the biggest sadness was watching those I loved devastated and in pain. Then in my senior year of high school one of my closest friends was killed in a car accident, which left me with survivor’s guilt and extreme sadness for a long time. Even today I can replay the phone call where I found out she was dead as if it were happening right now. (That was 30 years ago). My paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother passed when I was in my 20’s. After 10 years together (5 of them married), my ex-husband decided he didn’t want to be married anymore, well not to me anyway. That was confusing, unnerving, and a big loss especially since I didn’t see it coming. In 2015 I thought I hit a breaking point for what I could handle with the grief in losing Charles. This loss has left constant memories of watching him get revived in the hospital, talking to him in a comma and witnessing his last breath. There are no words to describe the pain in losing a child. Finally, and most recently, one of my best friend’s mother passed away from cancer. I was thankful to see her in Hospice, but also hard for me to see my friend sad and to know I won’t see Carol anymore when I go to visit.  

In all that sadness though I have had uncountable joys. I was raised by a remarkably strong woman who provided constant and unconditional love. I have experienced love more than once, which allowed my relationships to grow and strengthen. After many years of hard work I earned my masters and doctorate degree and have loved my jobs over the years. I am able to move around and stay active, and I love to laugh. Most importantly, I have had the joy and blessings to raise four children and have a strong loving family. As life ends it first begins, which brings me to my most recent joy. My niece had a baby in November and although she was a month early they are healthy and safe. Even with COVID taking so many lives, so many others are beginning. While I cannot hold that sweet baby as often as I’d like due to COVID precautions, my heart lightens and I smile constantly looking at pictures of her precious face.  

I may not always agree with or understand this ebb and flow of life, but I have learned to acknowledge and accept it for what it is. It does not make it easy - it is what we call…. Life. I am beyond blessed as I have always had a support network of family and friends and I firmly believe this is the key.  

May you find ways to laugh and love every day and move as much as you can. May you find a connection with at least one or two people. May you find peace and comfort in tears as well as laughter.

I will end this blog with a YouTube video my friend sent me that she found helpful during her grieving time. This is important information for anyone experiencing loss or knows someone experiencing a loss and a tool to help parents talk to their kids about grief. 

How do you help a grieving friend? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE

Mistie Eltrich Mistie was born and raised in Jacksonville, Florida.  After earning her BA in psychology in SC she moved to NY where she earned her Master of Science then Doctorate of Psychology in School Psychology. Mistie has worked in schools pre-school through high school since 1998 in Long Island, New York City, Westchester, and now St. John’s County, Florida. She has worked in Public Schools, private schools, and a non-public special needs school. Mistie is blessed with a loving husband.  They have raised four children (two Mistie’s step children who couldn’t be more biological in her heart and two biological).  Mistie loves working with kids and parents, running groups, and sharing info. She especially loves highlighting how we are all different thinkers. After 21 years of living in NY Mistie moved with the Eltrich family back to Florida where Mistie started volunteering at her kid’s school and on the crisis text line (text 741741 if in crisis) before going back recently to full-time School Psychology. Outside of work Mistie loves being with family, friends, her Great Dane (Samson), Silver Lab (Delilah), working out, playing and laughing.  Love, community, togetherness - we are never alone. The greatest gift is LOVE.

#MistieEltrich #Grief #Parenting #Loss #Love #Joy

[bpcparents]

Goals, Happiness, and Health

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” —Dalai Lama

“I stopped explaining myself when I realized other people only understand from their level of perception.”― Anonymous

What unusual and unsettling times we seem to be experiencing. Elections with bitter/angry politics; worldwide pandemic; continued racial and socio-economic inequalities and unrest; global changes with increased fires, hurricanes, tornadoes; isolation (even with social media; sometimes from social media). All of this while trying to raise healthy, smart, competent, and active children. With all this happening, how are you taking care of your mental, physical and emotional well being? How are you helping your child to take care of themselves? 

Anxiety and depression have been talked about so much it is common to feel it is a disability versus a normal part of life (note if experiencing symptoms consistently more than a few weeks reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional). I hear repeatedly from parents and kids about how “anxious” they are about school, work, friends, etc. I hear how work is too hard and it takes too long to get to a goal or they believe they have to put in time and effort into understanding things that ‘should’ be automatic. Somehow kids/young adults believe life is supposed to be easy and access to everything instantaneous. The reality is that life is hard and working hard is part of life. Along with that hard work and delayed gratification comes an ability to cope, which in turn lessens anxiety and depression. In fact, having to work hard for something helps create a higher level of satisfaction in achieving that work, which boosts self-esteem and self-confidence. 

It seems the ultimate goal I hear from many is the desire to be happy - but happiness is not bought or found in others, it must come from comfort and acceptance from within. Happiness is individually defined as it means something different for each person. Many people rely on others for happiness by creating and maintaining certain relationships or actions, but this puts others in charge of your mental well being not you. I am not saying that others do not contribute to our happiness or feeling good, but if we can instill in ourselves and children that we control what makes us feel good and find inner peace in sitting in silence, being alone, being around others, trusting people even when past experiences include violated trust - this allows us to grow and be content. This habit allows our children to see that the “right” college, person, job, grades do not bring happiness - it is our acceptance of where we are in life and acceptance of change. 

If we want more in life we need to set personal goals to get there. Stacey Abrams, GA gubernatorial candidate in 2018, shared that everyone should have goals and ways for those goals to be achievable. “Ambitions and dreams without a plan though is just a wish.” She also said to get to your goal you need to identify three things: 1) what do you want?, 2) Why do you want it; and 3) how will you get it [your plan]. Just wanting something isn’t enough and wanting something because others have it will not bring you inner peace. Your goal is about you and for you. Goals, hard work, and sharing with others are good ways to take care of yourself. I am great at sharing my opinions, but the truth is you have to do the work to stay physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy. It is easy to blame others or let the past weigh you down. It is hard to stay positive in such a negative world, but it is possible. 

What is your plan to take care of yourself? How will your children benefit from you being mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy? How will your relationships with your family, friends, co-workers, and others be impacted by your mental wellbeing or mental weariness? Take time to answers these questions for yourself including if you feel positive about the answers and if not what could YOU change about YOU? May you find your happiness (your inner peace) and may it be a living example for others to set a goal for a healthy mind, body, and spirit (which will take work, but YOU are worth it).

Mistie Eltrich Mistie was born and raised in Jacksonville, Florida. After earning her BA in psychology in SC she moved to NY where she earned her Master of Science then Doctorate of Psychology in School Psychology. Mistie has worked in schools pre-school through high school since 1998 in Long Island, New York City, Westchester, and now St. John’s County, Florida. She has worked in Public Schools, private schools, and a non-public special needs school. Mistie is blessed with a loving husband. They have raised four children (two Mistie’s step children who couldn’t be more biological in her heart and two biological). Mistie loves working with kids and parents, running groups, and sharing info. She especially loves highlighting how we are all different thinkers. After 21 years of living in NY Mistie moved with the Eltrich family back to Florida where Mistie started volunteering at her kid’s school and on the crisis text line (text 741741 if in crisis) before going back recently to full-time School Psychology. Outside of work Mistie loves being with family, friends, her Great Dane (Samson), Silver Lab (Delilah), working out, playing and laughing. Love, community, togetherness - we are never alone. The greatest gift is LOVE.

#MistieEltrich #goals #anxiety #happiness #mentalhealth

[bpcparents]

Intergenerational Anxiety Transmission

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie Ten Boom

“The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while changing yourself rather than trying to fix them.” ― Edwin H. Friedman

Our children are anxious. In ever greater numbers. It is a problem. For some it is an incredibly debilitating problem. Anxiety is strangling our kids.

I got a call recently from a person concerned about her daughter. She (the daughter) has anxiety. I was told. This is not news because anxiety is as natural as air. I am not sure when it was that someone somewhere decided that anxiety was a disorder but the idea is everywhere now. Don’t worry I hear what you just said maybe something like. “What my child has is not normal, it is hurting her/him/they/them.” It is what I hear from every parent of an anxious child. This most recent call asked if I could see the daughter and provide therapy for her. I said what I almost always say. “Anxiety is not a physical problem or even a mental problem that can be fixed through focusing on the afflicted.” I told the person that anxiety is usually a problem with the family system and not with one member of the system. The person insisted that what she needed was therapy. The person had not even heard me say that it was most likely a systemic problem with a systemic solution. They didn’t hear it, because if they did, that would mean that the family needed therapy not just the child. Most parents don’t hear this the first time I say it or even the second. Most parents with anxious children seem pretty certain it is a problem that lies with the child. That is why they turn to one on one therapy or worse medication. (Please take note anxiety is not a result of a brain chemical imbalance that can be resolved by SSRI’s or Benzodiazepines or any other med without great danger to the child. If anyone tells you it is due to a chemical imbalance that can be restored with medication, run the other way.)  

Anxiety in children comes from the failure of a system to soothe them or encourage them or nurture them. It is not anyone’s fault it is just that the child is not getting what they need and there may be many different reasons. It is like a baby crying. Many times we do not know why a baby is crying. Often it could be any number of things. What we do know is that the baby is crying and the natural thing to do is to soothe the child. Or in other words manage the affect. That is what parents are for, often, to help children modulate the affect and so tolerate it. Otherwise babies would cry all the time. When a child is anxious he or she needs help modulating the affect. If the family system cannot do that the child will continue to suffer.

To address teenage anxiety family systems should get a look. Children pick up anxiety from their parents. Children address anxiety like their parents. If a child has a highly anxious parent it is easy and likely that anxiety will leak to the child. This is a reason parents often do not like to consider a family approach. It challenges them to address their own anxiety and the way they cope with it. Being a parent demands that we cope with the stress in this life in as healthy of a way as possible and pass that coping ability on to the children. If we have an anxious child we can assume that the system is recycling our own anxiety.

And many times it is completely innocent, no one is to blame. A mother’s employment keeps them emotionally distant. Parents don’t listen to one another enough and there is an underlying chronic misunderstanding that a child often feels responsible. A father favors one of the children in ways that are subtle and maybe unknown to the father but known to the child. Wherever the emotional interconnectedness breaks down there will be a problem. It could be anything but if your child is overly anxious it is, most likely, something in the system. So please do not try to medicate the problem away. That only masks symptoms. Get at the cause. It is in the system. The best way for you to help an anxious system is to address your own anxiety. It helps your children and it helps you.  

A recent article in the Times is most helpful on this subject. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/22/well/family/childhood-trauma-family.html

Tim Ives Tim is a Presbyterian Minister and a psychoanalyst in private practice in Bedford Hills.  He sees many kids and teens and parents and offers alternatives to medicating children.  He is married and has two almost grown kids of his own.

#TimIves #Parenting #Anxiety

[bpcparents]

How Do You Deal With Existential Fear?

At the time of writing this, I have just learned that a man in my town, the Town of Wilton, has tested positive for the COVID-19 virus. Due to his age, he most likely has children in the school district, and people on our local Facebook page are beginning to show some fear. COVID-19 is not just out there anymore. It’s here. ( I also just learned that the Scarsdale school district is closing for over a week due to the infection of one of its teachers. I can only imagine the number of calls there will be from parents about who it is and how they can protect their own families.)

This morning, I felt the weight of the decisions I would make regarding the welfare of my congregation as we gathered for worship. Was I putting them at risk by certain practices involved in morning services, or if I chose to alter plans, would I only be feeding the anxiety machine? I thought carefully about how I would communicate what procedures our leaders had put into place, so that we could move through our time together with ease. In order to be effective, I realized I needed to keep my own anxiety in check.

Ultimately, things went on this morning as usual, with extra Purell available, no handshakes at the door and all-in-one communion servings sealed in plastic, so as to not expose the elements to germs. We laughed, we prayed, and we sang. We heard about a recent service trip our high schoolers took to serve the homeless and working poor in Washington, DC. People left with hope. 

The same is true in parenting, I think. I listened to a NYTimes parenting expert this week on NPR who talked about how we should talk with our children about this virus, which seems to be lurking in the shadows and wreaking havoc on so many lives. She advised being honest with children in age-appropriate ways about the coronavirus by first asking what they know about it, and then answering those questions. I imagine as more schools close for cleaning purposes, more will need to be shared.

But what seems more important than ever, is to keep our own anxiety about this amorphous virus in check. Do what we can to prevent transmission, wash your hands and sing a dozen songs, and then let it go. 

So, how do you deal, in a healthy way, with existential fear and anxiety over things which you can’t control, which is basically everything outside yourself? Do you meditate? Exercise? Read? Talk to friends? 

This is actually a great time to teach children meaningful ways to de-stress in all areas of their lives. When you think about it, we have very little control of our lives. We only have the illusion of control. Helping our children to make healthy choices based on the information they have and then moving on might help. Letting them know that they are loved and that they are not alone in whatever they face is always a good message. If our own anxiety is in check, we’ll have a much better chance of communicating what we want/need with authenticity. 

Shannon White Shannon is currently Pastor of Wilton Presbyterian Church in Wilton, CT. Until recently, she was a TV journalist with News 12, where she reported on a variety of issues. Shannon is also a widely known speaker and author. Her books, The Invisible Conversations with Your Aging Parents (2012) and How Was School Today? Fine (2010), which she wrote with her now high school-aged daughter, are available on Amazon.com. She lives in Wilton, CT.

#shannonwhite #covid 19 virus #anxiety #fear #communication #parenting

[bpcparents]

A Tough Subject: Grief

While we go on with the usual craze of our daily lives, sometimes a piece of breaking news can hit us hard and shatter our perception of control. Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna and their seven friends, losing their lives unexpectedly on a friendly, family-oriented outing, shook the nation. Ever since the news broke, I can see how everyone talks about this accident with the feeling of having the rug pulled beneath our feet… It is as if we are trying to regain our balance, the sense of control.

We live with the practice of progress, growth, and development in a linear fashion. Nothing in our daily lives prepares us for the unexpected, untimely ends. Loss and death are such complicated subject matters that we don’t like to talk about. Grief and bereavement are lonely journeys people have to take. We expect those who survived the death of their loved ones to heal in the same linear fashion that we practice progress and growth. Yet grief is the only journey that has nothing linear or straight. Death and loss is the one time that we are reminded of the fact that life is actually fragile, and there is no guarantee for tomorrow.

I didn’t write to upset anyone about the accident and the beautiful people who died during that accident. I wanted to write to remind us parents how precious and wonderfully valuable each day we spent with our families. Our children need to hear how much we love them every day. They also need to understand that we know about how much they love us every day. I also wanted to write to remind us, parents, how much we need each other’s support in our parenting journey. That need becomes bigger in magnitude when one survives death and loss. So let’s reach out to those who are in bereavement even if we don’t have the right words to say. And honest approach combined with a genuine desire to help goes a long way. Without the expectations of quick fixes, fast recoveries, counting stages of standardized grief recipes, and “moving on,” let’s stand by our friends in grief. Let’s be their witness in moving forward in this messy, hard, rocky, and one of the unescapable journeys in life we call grief. If you like to learn more about how to help our friends and loved ones in grief and bereavement here are some local and online resources:

Online: https://www.dougy.org https://www.bosplace.org/en/ https://www.ourhouse-grief.org

Local: https://www.bcwtreehouse.org https://www.rtor.org/directory/family-centers-the-den-for-grieving-kids/

Sedef Orsel  Sedef is a bilingual social scientist, researcher, educator, a published writer, an ACPI Certified Coach for Parents & Families, and a certified Connection Parenting instructor. Sedef has a BA degree in Sociology and an MS degree in Social Research from Hunter College, NY. During and after her graduate studies she teamed up with fellow researchers to volunteer for projects benefiting kids in the NY area. After the year of 2000, she has actively worked for children’s literature in Turkish and helped many English written books to be published in this language. Sedef has not only worked behind the scenes but also wrote and has her own children’s books published in the Turkish language. She has been writing for blogs and magazines in both languages. One of her latest achievements was to have Pam Leo’s wonderful book ‘Connection Parenting’ translated into Turkish. The book came into print in April 2011 with her foreword. Sedef’s parenting blog in Turkish also has been turned into a book and printed by the same publisher in June 2014. With her multicultural background and her solid education in social sciences, Sedef has a great understanding of both traditional and non-traditional family environments. She coaches, teaches, writes and practices coaching both in English and Turkish. Her interest areas are Non-Violent Communication, Mindfulness, Yoga and learning for all ages. She lives with her family in Pound Ridge, NY.

#SedefOrsel #Parenting #Grief

[bpcparents]

Intimate Connection Paves the Path to Independence

As parents of high school grads know well, that diploma doesn’t mean young adults have learned all they need to know to enter the wider world. Whether moving on to college or heading directly into the workforce, adult children continue to require loving guidance, and an empty nest doesn’t mean the job is done. Rather, it signals a new stage of parenting -- one that’s widely undertreated, incomplete, and imbalanced, but full of surprising and uniquely touching opportunities for deepening our relationships with our kids as we parent them into adulthood.

Conventional wisdom on parenting newly-adult kids (18+) emphasizes boundaries and exhortations on the importance of parents “letting go,” so that just-launched offspring discover independence. Focused on avoiding the pitfalls of helicopter and snowplow parents who micromanage or remove obstacles in their kids’ paths to a fault, much of the literature reasonably warns against stifling or controlling young people.

These are understandable cautions; after all, as even The Wall Street Journal reports, “Baby boomers are far more immersed with their own grown children than their parents were with them“ (13 Jan, 2019). Indeed, Karen Fingerman, a professor of Human Development and Family Sciences at the University of Texas, Austin found that “parents in the early 2000s offered about twice as much counsel and practical support (which could be anything from babysitting grandkids, running their grown kids’ errands or reviewing their résumés) as parents did in the 1980s.” To this, I would point out, however, that there’s nothing objectively better or worse about the relative merits of either generation’s degree of “immersion.” What we should be addressing is the quality of parental involvement after kids hit legal age.

IT’S PERSONAL My own observations as both a parent and an educator teach me that too much emotional distance can sometimes rob young adults of the intimate connection to trusted family that they need to effectively transition to independence. In fact, I would argue that the “holy grail” of independence has been traded out too often -- albeit inadvertently -- for estrangement and alienation, to the unnecessary and avoidable detriment of the very kids their well-intentioned parents aimed to serve by stepping back.

Impersonal contact can also occur as a result of parental discomfort facing what some people feel as the “awkward” areas of human development that accompany late-teens and early-adults. Emerging identity naturally takes that age group into territory that traditional cultural conventions consider taboo in “polite company,” namely: sex, drugs, politics, and money. But allowing space for young people to make their own discoveries and decisions is not the same as getting a free pass to bag out of what may be uncomfortable parenting responsibilities altogether. Suicide rates among youth aged 15-24 increased by 50% over the last decade in the US (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention), signaling the intensifying urgency to reconsider how we cultivate meaningful connection and sustaining ties that bind youth to the love in their lives.

SEX TMI? Get over it; young people need candor without judgment, and avoiding the topic has real health consequences, both physical and emotional. Whether or not they decide to become sexually active, as humans, young people are certainly sexual beings and need understanding to navigate effectively in integrity with themselves. The availability since 2006 of the HPV vaccine for kids as young as nine-years-old has offered the benefit of parents and kids matter-of-factly discussing sex as a health issue even before reaching double digits. Protecting a young person’s privacy on this front must be absolute. They also set the boundaries, but don’t necessarily wait for them to raise the topic and definitely don’t be squeamish when they come knocking for advice. The pervasive messages and misinformation on social media stoke fears and insecurities, increasing the necessity for sound, accurate, and trustworthy information. Consent is the watchword, and sons need protective guidance as much as daughters do.

& GENDER In fact, when it comes to the separate but related issue of gender, the younger population is way ahead of most of those of us currently parenting. Awareness and understanding about gender as a spectrum that transcends binary categories is vital and literally life-saving. GLSEN and Gender Spectrum are two leading national organizations that have accomplished progress across the country toward creating greater understanding and safety for students in increasingly gender-inclusive schools. Young adults are more advanced in their comprehension and conduct, so now’s the time to catch up, Mom and Dad!

DRUGS News headlines abound with dire statistics about the heroin epidemic in the US, but the American Academy of Pediatrics reports that the broad social acceptability of alcohol in typical households continues to make booze the nation’s gateway drug. Their data document that “physiologic vulnerability to substance use is aggravated by environmental factors, including the availability, promotion, and modeling of substance use behaviors” (AAPpubs, 2/2019). For example, children who initiate drinking before age 14 are five times more likely to develop an alcohol use disorder compared with those who initiate at age 19. A similar pattern is seen with both marijuana and the misuse of prescription opioid medication. Indeed, delayed substance use initiation into adulthood is associated with a substantially reduced risk of ever developing a substance use disorder, underscoring the importance of prevention and early intervention strategies designed to delay initiation and reduce substance use in this group. Nonetheless, the peak ages of substance use initiation occur during adolescence and early adulthood, and programs designed for adolescents and young adults are almost entirely absent.

The good news is that parents have it entirely within their control to limit their children’s exposure to alcohol in the first place by abstaining themselves and making home a substance-free zone. Sound extreme? It’s actually one of the fastest growing and most popular trends on college campuses across the US. Whether out of religious piety, personal preference, military duty, or because they’re recovering addicts, increasing numbers of entering freshman are competing for housing in substance-free dorms. Given the rising surge of a substance-free reality for university students, why not start the same at home?

MONEY On the financial front, young adults are usually still dependent, but many of them feel irksomely so. Of course, it’s possible to help without making them feel on the dole. Most healthcare plans allow parents to carry their children on their plans until the age of 26, but that doesn’t mean that the young adults themselves can’t contribute toward their share of the costs. Similarly with auto insurance and cell phone plans; gradually, they can contribute increasing amounts toward their portion of those key programs. Doing so educates them to real world expenses, but there’s no reason to lord over them any sense of feeling beholden. Don’t make them ask, don’t make them “grateful.” Engage them as partners, discussing details of available options. Model money as a river rather than a pot of gold to be won. Encourage them as agents who can make and manage the flow of money, not as custodians of fixed sums, which can feed a shortage mentality. Encourage them to earn, save, donate, invest, and spend wisely. And if that doesn’t work out, restrategize with them rather than shame them, so that they can recover a footing and work their way back to solvency. Co-banking is a great way to start kids out while they’re still at home, displaying all accounts in a online single window, and the practice paves the way to skilled credit, debit, checking, and savings management that can become increasingly independent.

POLITICS In this era of heightened political division, it’s especially important to model citizenship, curiosity, tolerance, reason, fairness, and commitment to due process. Spouting opinions does nothing to quiet the din of distortion on social media that surrounds our children’s generation; we owe it to them to demonstrate an allegiance to facts and a genuine interest in how they see the world and what they value. Ask rather than pontificate, and by all means get that absentee voter ballot in the mail on deadline!

CLOSING ABOUT CLOSE-ING Engaging our adult children at such deep levels in the very areas of life that people often feel most private about actually equips them with the self-knowledge and confidence to take fully independent strides into the world -- and into connection with others as well. Parenting is love, and love is personal. The poet Adrienne Rich wrote that ”it is a process...that breaks down human isolation.” The wellbeing of our young adult children depends on the willingness of their parents to engage in this inimitably intimate process because, she notes, “we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.”

Elizabeth Messinger is a former journalist with NPR and The Economist of London. Through her educational consultancy, Mind in Motion, she guides children of all ages to think for themselves, and she teaches Humanities at an independent school in Stamford, CT. She raised her son in Bedford, where together they ran the Toddler Room at the Presbyterian Church for nearly a decade. She continues to parent from NY as he attends college in California.

#ElizabethMessinger #Parenting #independence

[bpcparents]

Lessons from a Funeral

It sounds strange to say that going to a funeral is a privilege, but I believe there is much to be learned from hearing reflections about someone’s life. Hearing the bereaved share their memories can teach us what’s really important in life. In the end, what really matters? Why will someone be missed? What was the gift they gave to the world? What can we learn from them?

Though filled with sadness, it was my extreme privilege and honor this week to attend the funeral of a mother who died too young and to hear the reflections of her mourning daughters. If one listened closely to their words, it was possible to learn a great deal about what really matters when it comes to being a loved, admired, respected and adored parent. These young women shared the essence of what a child needs from her parent.

The points they did not mention were as notable as the ones they did. I heard nothing about help with college admissions, or convincing coaches to include the girls on a team or buying whatever they desired on a trip to Target. I heard nothing about the fanciest parties or the most extravagant vacations. There was no mention about expectations of high grades or stellar performances on athletic fields.

What was the wisdom I gained from listening to these young women who, in their darkest hour, were able to teach lessons all parents can take to heart and apply to their relationships with their children? What did their mom give them that we can all try to give our children?

1.  Do it for the kids, not for the thanks! One daughter, now a mother of toddler twins, shared the insight, “When you’re little, you don’t realize all your parents are doing for you.” Don’t expect appreciation, at least not until much later. Children are naturally self-centered. They are not going to thank you for the work you are doing for them. They deserve your time and devotion, and only later will they be able to reflect and realize how blessed they were to have you. This mother got it. She was who her children needed her to be. She did it for them, not for the thanks.

2.  Be there! I heard many stories of a mother who simply showed up. “She was at all of my games and cheered louder than anyone.” “She surprised me and took a bus to New York to see me try on 3 wedding dresses, none of which I bought, and then she took the bus back to Maryland.” This mom worked full time. It would have been easy to find many excuses for not showing up for her children. But she did show up, and it made all the difference to her girls. Children need their parents to show up, to show interest, to care about what is important to them. Children deserve to feel important enough that their parents will drop everything and simply show up. Knowing their mom was there meant more to these sisters than almost anything else.

3.  Accept who your child is. Show your child unconditional love. “I wasn’t always easy,” one daughter shared. There were stories of panic before a significant event, and of many mornings that started off poorly. Recalling these situations, the girls didn’t remember an angry mom or one who gave up on them. When another parent might have shown impatience and anger, this mom stayed by her child and comforted her until she was ready to proceed. No matter how bad the mornings were, her daughter found a napkin with a smiley face and loving wishes in her lunch bag. These girls felt loved for who they were and didn’t feel the need to try to be someone they were not. They were cherished as the unique, even if sometimes difficult, children they were.  

4.  Believe in them, so that they can believe in themselves! For this mom, comfort did not mean taking away the challenge. Comfort meant staying with her child until that child believed she was capable of proceeding. It meant letting her children know it was okay to be afraid, and that she would be there with them until they felt brave enough to move forward. And after a lost night of sleep, she showed her child no fatigue, but instead was ready with a big smile when her daughter had the courage to step forward and out of her comfort zone in order to reach new heights. Because of her belief in her children, they are able, to this day, to handle new challenges and to step out on their own. Because of her belief in them, they are able to believe in themselves.

5.  Rules sometimes need to be broken. Did it really matter if a “healthy” breakfast included hot chocolate with whipped cream every day if that’s what motivated a child to get ready for school? Sometimes the nitty-gritty details mean nothing when they’re put beside the larger goal, in this case of a peaceful morning and an eventual arrival at school. This mom knew each of her children and was willing to be flexible in her parenting so that she honored their uniqueness, while still maintaining a focus on the values she was trying to instill in them.

6.  Have fun! Possibly more significant than any other gift this beloved mom gave her daughters was the gift of fun and laughter throughout all the years of their childhood and beyond. It is possible that the word “laugh” was the most frequently used word they said when sharing memories about their mother. Their mom showed them what happiness and fun look like. She lived it for them and with them so that they internalized her fun attitude and can now take it out into the world and share it with others.

It is a tragedy that this mother is no longer with us, but her daughters will honor her memory by taking the many gifts she gave them and bestowing them on their children and others in their lives. Perhaps we can all honor her memory by remembering the lessons she taught. If we remember to be there for our children, to accept them and love them unconditionally as the unique people they are, to let them know we believe in them, to be flexible in order to meet their needs, to laugh and have fun every day, and to always do our best for their sake, and not for their thanks, this mom’s memory will be a blessing for all of us.  

Adrian Kalikow Adrian has been involved with the education of young children and parents for over 40 years. With a belief that parenting is the most important job anyone can do, Adrian pursued a program of study through the Parent Coaching Institute at Seattle Pacific University and became a PCI Certified Parent Coach®. She has a private parent coaching practice, in which she helps individuals, couples and groups deal with they’re parenting challenges and move toward a better place in there parenting relationships. As the mother of 3 grown children and the grandmother of 4, Adrian sees her family experience as her best qualification for her current work, helping parents be the best they can be for their children and themselves.

#AdrianKalikow #lessons #mothersanddaughters #parenting #wisdom

[bpcparents]

Separation Anxiety Disorder

“Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.” 

― C. H. Spurgeon

When my daughter faced the daunting task of going off to kindergarten my wife and I were worried. She did not do well with separation. Time and again she would balk at situations that didn’t include either of us close by. When we wanted to go skiing and my daughter was still too little to ski she would not stay with the daycare provided by the resort. We took her there and went to leave and she started crying. The people there told us to just go and she would be fine. We did but forty-five minutes later they were on the phone beckoning us back saying our daughter could not and would not be consoled. When we enrolled her in a renowned kids camp on vacation once she told us that vacation was for family time and refused to go. Summer camp, not a chance. Any activity could not include her being alone.

As school loomed, we told her that this was a time for her to go to school. Moms and dads didn’t go to school. We hoped for the best but expected trouble. We were not at all sure how this would work out.

In the months and weeks before school, my daughter was very busy with a project. It was a comic book called Cat and Squirrel. Every story ended with Cat and Squirrel back at home eating pancakes (our children very often enjoyed pancakes for breakfast). There were a number of stories. One was all about “the house where nobody lives.” I was fascinated by it and then I noticed something about this particular house. I asked my daughter about this place. Evidently, a very scary dragon lived there but Cat and Squirrel had to go there. I told her that I thought the doors looked a lot like the elementary school she was going to. She said they were. In the story, Cat and Squirrel find the secret passage home after evading the dragon and ended up having pancakes just like always. I asked her if she was going to go to school like Cat and Squirrel, she said yes. And then said, “there will still be pancakes at home and my brother will be there too.”

She had been working out her anxiety all by herself. I was astounded and grateful.

My daughter found many ways to deal with her anxiety throughout her life. The most significant has been her love for sports. It has seen her through many stages and transitions.

As parents, we do not like to see our kids struggle. However, sometimes that struggle brings out the very resilience that every person needs. We have a tendency to pathologize those struggles. My daughter would have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder because her response to separation was constant and severe. It was not normal if there is such a thing. I, however, never thought it was out of the ordinary. I just thought she would need a little more hand-holding than our other child. There was nothing wrong with that. However, she showed my wife and me that she did not need as much attention as we thought. She figured it out in a way I never would have imagined. Children are remarkably resilient and as parents, we are challenged to be as resilient as they are and trust that growing up is not the same for everyone. Most kids can and will do it with enough love and patience. The best thing that parents can do for children is to manage their own anxiety enough to allow their children to work out growing up.

Tim Ives Tim is a Presbyterian Minister and a psychoanalyst in private practice in Bedford Hills. He sees many kids and teens and parents and offers alternatives to medicating children. He is married and has two almost-grown kids of his own.

#TimIves #resilience #parenting #anxiety #normalcy

[bpcparents]

Habitual Lessons

Summer tends to be a more relaxed time, which can also mean more relaxed rules in the home. As I sat here with my children after lunch today we had a conversation about self-control. My daughter saw her brother eating something so she went to get something to eat too. When I commented they both just had lunch, she commented how her brother is eating and so she wants to eat something too. She added that he is so skinny so what does it matter. We had to go over how every body is different in looks as well as how it metabolizes food. My goal isn’t to make them self-conscious of their body, but aware of their habits (which is another topic all together).

I’ve had a rule in our family since the children were young that they could have as much to drink (such as milk, OJ, lemonade) as they wanted, as long as they have a glass of water in between. This rule was meant to help promote the taste for and the health of drinking water. Similar to only allowing them sweets a couple times a week or to drink soda on the weekend, which I wish I had started with bubbly or zevia instead. Such is life. Anyway, my daughter was focused on eating chocolate chips instead of her pancakes. This is really what sparked my point with her that putting these rules in place while she is young is important. As they grow it allows my children to make their own choices while parental guidance is in place and then eventually to make healthier and wiser decisions when they are on their own.  

Does this work? There are times more challenging than others.  In essence, sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. As with many things we put in place in life, we may never truly see the impact while our children are at home. It takes them being truly independent to test the waters and be responsible for their own purchases and habits. Sometimes, it takes them being responsible for someone else to truly understand and partake in the age-old habits once placed upon them. Of course, consistency is key, which is why summer time is a little more challenging. We all want to have fun! For example, it is hot so ice cream tends to happen on a more regular basis. Birthdays and school events tend to take over my controlling the sweet intake as well. Beyond all that, it is just fun to have unhealthy foods around here and there (so says my bad habits with sweets which can add up quickly during some weeks). Clearly being consistent would have a stronger impact. It is also important for me to allow the kids to see that some choices ebb and flow from rules and it is our self-control that keeps us in check.  With all that said, summer is over and before the holidays test us again on lax rules, we will refocus on our eating and drinking habits. Is it worth it? For me, it is 100% worth sharing my values, trying to instill good habits, and loving my kids wholeheartedly through the good and bad habits - finding that balance.

Mistie Eltrich Mistie has worked with children all her life, making it an official career when she became a School Psychologist in 1998. Pursuing her dream, in 2001 Mistie earned her doctorate degree from Fairleigh Dickinson University. She has worked in schools with children pre-school through high school, but mostly preschool through elementary aged schools. She also worked in a special needs school (Gillen Brewer) in NYC. However, her biggest job has been to parent her four children (two were easier births as they are her step children - none the less hers). Being a parent is a constant review for her career and sanity, but most importantly her joy.

#MistieEltrich #Consistency #goodhabits #parenting

[bpcparents]

After All These Years - What Have I Learned?

I sat in a circle with a group of moms I had known for two years. We were coming to the end of our time together, and I told them that this was their chance to ask whatever was on their minds. One mom surprised me with her question, ”After all the work you've done with parents, what have you realized that you would have done differently in parenting your own children?” I did not have an immediate answer, but told her that I would think about it and get back to the group. I pondered this question for a few weeks, and this is my answer:

1.  I have learned that I should have done a better job of taking care of myself. I almost never made my own needs a priority. My children, husband, relatives, friends, the community... everyone else's needs always came before meeting my own. I am proud that I was there for those who needed me, but I didn't take enough time to be there for myself. I believe that if I would have put myself first a bit more often, those I loved would have benefited as much, or maybe even more than I would have. My focus might have been better at times, my laugh lighter and more frequent, and my children would have had a model of someone who knew the value of meeting her own needs. Although I was quite patient, I might have been even more so. And when my children embarked on their own adult journeys, I would have had a firmly established pattern of self care, and would not have first had to figure out who I now was and what I needed to do for myself. Self care is NOT selfish! It is an essential part of being an effective parent.

2.  I have learned that, rather than striving for perfection, I should have always strived to just be me. Like many parents, I wanted to get it all "right." I strived to be the best mom in every area, but the truth is, I don't excel in every area. I'm not a crafty mom, and I should have accepted that and not tried to be the mom who made the Halloween costumes and party favors. I don't like big, chaotic parties and events, and I should have sometimes bowed out and been okay with not participating. I didn't always enjoy the jobs I volunteered for (or I should say, I said "yes" to), and I wish, when I felt something didn't fit me, I would have said “no.” I was my best "mom self" when I was totally "me." When I stayed in my integrity, when I showed up as myself, rather than someone I was trying to be, I was the best mom for my children. I was at ease, I laughed more, I took things in stride - because I knew who I was and what I was trying to accomplish. My standard was usually, but should have always been, being my best self, rather than trying to be the best self someone else brings to her parenting.  

3.  I wish I listened to my gut when it came to deciding whether to spend time on the fields (or at other activities) instead of having more family time. Being on a team can be an extraordinary experience for children. They learn about themselves, they get exercise, they learn to cooperate…  I do not regret at all that my children had experience being on teams. Similarly, it's important for children to learn the importance of showing up at good friends' birthday parties, celebrating with them, and showing them you care. Dance class, music lessons, gymnastics... there are many activities that serve as part of a child's process of learning and growing. However, I have always felt that all of these activities are less important than learning the importance of family, having fun as a family, strengthening family ties, and joining family in meaningful experiences. When my children were spending a lot of time on athletic fields, at birthday parties (sometimes of children they didn't know well), and engaged in other activities, I often regretted that we didn't visit their grandparents more often, didn't go to the city on various adventures very often, and didn't have much simple down time as a family, sometimes to just have a day in pajamas, playing games and hanging out together. There are few things I really regret about my parenting, but the emphasis on outside activities rather than family time is one of them. It's one reason I'm so grateful for our family Friday night dinners, when I knew I had everyone around the table with no other option of where to be at least one night a week. My family probably had more scheduled family time than some, but I still wish there had been more. The years go quickly, and I would give anything now for more times when I would have said "no" to parties and practices and "yes" to a family day.  Not every time, but more times!

4.  I have learned how fast it all goes, and that not every little thing along the way is a big deal. Although I had no idea how the years would fly, I am glad I had the insight to put my focus on kindness and basic character traits, rather than on academic and athletic performance. In the end, it didn't matter whether a child of mine wasn't invited to a party, failed a test, didn't make it onto a team, or didn't get into a first choice college. What mattered was how they handled the challenges placed before them. What mattered was their awareness and treatment of others. Like many moms, I was stressed when my children had hurdles placed before them. I think I actually handled it well with them, but I wish I truly realized that it was all going to be okay, as long as my husband and I worked to instill the values that were most important to us into our children. I wish I would have realized that the big picture - the type of adults I was raising - was all that really mattered in the end. The hurdles along the way were only vehicles for helping to teach the values and skills needed to help my children become who they were meant to be.

That's my answer to what I found to be a very thought provoking question. It was a great exercise for me to think about it. I am ever grateful to have somehow had the inner resources to figure out how to usually be the mom my children needed me to be. That doesn't mean it was easy (we all know it's the toughest job in the world!). I got to know each of my children, and tried to give each the parenting he or she needed. I didn't always get it right, but, thank God, I got it right often enough that they made it through, and so did I!  

You need to believe that you will also make it through. I hope you'll remember to take care of yourselves, to be true to who you are, to listen to your gut when it talks to you, and to remember to be in the moment and not sweat the small stuff. As long as some of your days may seem, these years will fly and these precious people you are raising will be stepping out on their own before you know it. Enjoy the ride!  It will sometimes be bumpy, but I hope when you get off, you will have reached the destination that is right for you and your children. 

Adrian Kalikow Adrian has been involved with the education of young children and parents for over 30 years.  With a belief that parenting is the most important job anyone can do, Adrian pursued a program of study through the Parent Coaching Institute at Seattle Pacific University, and became a PCI Certified Parent Coach.  She has a private parent coaching practice, in which she helps individuals, couples and groups deal with their parenting challenges and move toward a better place in their parenting relationships.  Adrian is the parent of three grown children, and sees that experience as her best qualification for her current work, helping parents be the best the can be for their children and themselves.

#Adrian Kalikow #parenting #what I have learned #discovery

[bpcparents]

Show Don’t Tell

Our children copy what we do, not what we say. This piece surely isn’t a “blame my parents session” nor is it a “you should do this or else directive,” It’s an observation of what happened for me growing up and the real life challenges and actions of my own teenagers. Having grown up in a house where I wasn’t punished for underage drinking, I was allowed to experiment with alcohol as a junior and senior in high school. My family owned bars and restaurants for three generations and made their living serving alcohol to the community. We had a well-stocked bar at home and also hosted many parties for family, friends, and all kinds of events where everyone always had a blast.

Alcohol and smoking was for the adults and looked upon as a rite of passage when we became of legal age. I started dipping and smoking tobacco that same junior year because both my parents drank and smoked and it was easy to steal their cigs and beer. My father loved horse racing and would take us to the track more than a few times a year. I always had a great time in Saratoga and Northampton watching the races, cashing the winning tickets, and counting the money for my dad. He also taught me how to read a horse’s past performance in the daily racing-form, figure out speed ratings, and make exotic betting wagers. To this day there is no better feeling in the world than when I find a longshot, bet him and then watch him win wire to wire. My dad brought us to Vermont and Canada on ski trips, to the beach in Misquamicut and ballgames at Fenway, Foxboro and the Boston Garden. My dad was also a very good athlete growing up where he played football, baseball, basketball, and golfed. He taught me the fundamentals of sports in our backyard at an early age that I used all the way through high school. I tried a little boxing in college because my dad, grandfather and great-grandfather started a tradition of boxing in the early 1900’s and I was told that it was in my blood to fight. 

To this day, I love coaching and playing all sports, the beach, skiing, horse racing and all Boston sports teams. The drinking and smoking became a problem soon after high school and limited, impeded and eventually handcuffed my health, education, career and life in a very destructive way until I was able to quit alcohol at the age of 32 and smoking a year later. Because I started drinking at such an early age, I built up a high tolerance and became a daily drinker at the age of 17 because I didn’t know any better as it was all that I had seen and learned since I can remember. Everyone I knew drank the way I drank, including my family.

Please let me start by saying my wife and I are far from perfect, I’m surely much farther away than she, but we try and influence, impress upon and guide our children through the maze of teendom by our actions and some common sense rules of the house. We impress the importance and finality of sound judgement before they use social media posts and pictures that can resurface forever. We reiterate responsibility for actions, not necessarily the outcome. We teach them to visualize the potential and possible consequences for negative behavior.

We educate, discuss and require there be no alcohol, vaping or drug use under any circumstance. We host sober poker parties or sleepovers where boys and girls play cards for hours, shoot hoops, play Fortnite and eat pizza. My kids know not to invite children that will show up drinking or vaping because it’s dangerous, against the law and I will drive them home to their parents. We allow Fortnite only on weekends because it was too distracting during school nights and they were neglecting homework, projects and studying. We stress schoolwork and effort as their number one priority. We give back to the community in various ways, are involved in charitable organizations and our children have begun to do the same. They are following in our footsteps and are doing what they see.

May is mental health month and it covers all types of issues and diseases, including alcoholism and addiction. Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence. Please read that definition again and see if your family suffers from it in any way. I know mine does but at least I am willing to recognize, research and educate the next generation about the potential dangers and harms caused by excessive use of alcohol, vaping, drugs, gambling, spending, gaming and of course screen use. None of this is foolproof and we all make decisions that form us into who we become. But like my parents said to me, I can at least say to my children when they are grown and on their own, that I did my best with what I had. For that I am not ashamed but proud of who and what they are, good or bad, it was learned from me and my own inherited behaviors.

Charlie Della Penna Charlie has spent the last 30 years on Wall Street as a trader. He has since changed careers and now works as an addiction recovery specialist and interventionist. He is the founder and CEO of Always In Recovery, a drug and alcohol-mentoring program. He is married with two high school aged children and one middle school child. He lives in Bedford.

#Charlie Della Penna #parenting #addiction #parental behaviors

[bpcparents]

Joy in the Ordinary

How do you connect with your children? My husband connects with our two teenage boys through a mutual love of sports. My interests lie more with the theater and art world. When my boys were little I would sporadically ask them if they wanted to take a theater, art or acting class. I always got a definite, and non-negotiable NO. A firm believer in letting children discover their own interests, dreams and passions I would, begrudgingly, let this go.

However, I have recently discovered something my 16-year-old son and I love to do together  – binge watch TV programs on Netflix. We have binged watched The 100 (I have to say is a little more violent than I thought it would be), The Flash (harmless), Stranger Things (when is this coming on again!) and most recently, Designated Survivor.

We both love action and fantasy – in books, movies and TV shows. He is the one I’ll see Star Wars with or the amazing Black Panther movie (saw it three times). I’m fortunate that my love of this genre is very much in line with what many teenage boys love.

I often find myself in the evenings wishing my son would hurry up and finish his homework so we can watch an episode before bed. On a rainy weekend afternoon we will watch an episode, only to continue watching three or four more! I love to sit next to him on the couch and get excited and silly when we decide to keep watching. We also grumble and complain together if anyone interrupts us, or if we have to do practical things like schoolwork, dishes and laundry.

I am grateful that my son wants to enjoy these shows with me and my happiness is contagious. My delight in this time together feeds the little boy in him. Often he will put his head on my shoulder or big feet (size 14) on my lap. We light heartedly make fun of the other two men in our household who don’t seem to understand what we see in these shows or how we can watch one episode after the other.

This time with my son is an escape. The joy we have in each other’s company is like meditating. We are not thinking of the past or the future or what needs to be done next. We are both present with each other. As simple as it sounds, you love them as they are in this very moment, without wanting to change a thing.

I know it seems somewhat silly to experience this while watching TV shows together, however, taking pleasure from a simple activity is nurturing to both parent and child. We constantly have to contend with the pressure for more, and ever bigger, that our culture seeks to impose. Show your children the infinite pleasure in the simple, the ordinary.

So whether you are a walker, a reader, a movie buff, a gardener, a painter, a cook, or a hiker, decide what ordinary thing you can do together today.

Kathy DiBiasi After working with children for five years as a volunteer, in August 2007 Kathy became the Director of Educational Ministries at Bedford Presbyterian Church. She loves working with children knowing that she is a stable figure in their lives. She has two high school children of her own in the Bedford Central School District.  She has a BS in Finance and Math from Virginia Tech.  Her other passion is acting and has been involved both onstage and off in community theaters in the area.

#Kathy DiBiasi #simple pleasures #the ordinary #children #parenting