ladycagebird

[ladycagebird]

27

What kept me going through today was the thought of last night's dream.

I was pregnant.

I felt like a loving and grateful parent for my future child (twins?), even though the father had decided to leave me and I was alone on my quest as a mother. Just remembering seeing my belly is enough to warm my heart and my stomach and bring a small smile to my lips.

I don't know if I'll ever be a mother IRL (very single, not a lot of cash), though I wish to be.

I cried a lot today, and the thought I used to make me feel better at times was the memory of something that didn't really happen! I just wanted to share to remind myself and others that every comforting thought counts if you're having a bad day/week.

#self care #thought of the day #of dreams and thoughts #pregnant dreams #anything is possible #looking withing

[ladycagebird]

A perfect day. Reblog if you agree.

[ladycagebird]

Hi, May.

In years past, I would get excited starting the first of May. It was the best month of the year, my month, the month of celebration and presents and noise and cake.

But I don’t want to keep changing my personal number anymore!

I am going to turn thirty this month and I would definitely love to feel accordingly, but I don‘t at the moment. I feel confused and dejected and JADED and skeptical on the line of life and thirty is making me feel like the world is really big and I’m really tiny right now. As if thirty was supposed to make things eye level and instead, I feel only as high as a common wooden chair.

What can I do for thirty, for living at home, for having dreams and having let them go? How can I let go myself?

How can I celebrate another year, how does one celebrate a change in decades?

#decades old #may baby #birthday coming #thirty #can age stop counting #may flowers #asking for myself #how do i celebrate #joy after sadness

[ladycagebird]

Jiminy Jaded

Hey cuz,

I know I haven’t written in a while. A lot has been in my mind these past couple of weeks and I’m still trying to decide what to think of it all.

You’re right you know. You’re so FUCKING right.

I already knew this, but you made it more real with the words you spoke out loud. I am jaded with life a bit. Indifferent but not to a fault, sympathetic but not to action. I see beauty mostly when I’m alone. The last might seem random, but, you see, I’m a little tired of PEOPLE. I’m tired of trying to make a connection that I so want to have between the other person and I. I so want to proactively care about people, but I’m a little tired, and maybe that’s why I hid in a small town for two years.

You’re right cuz. I’m jaded and I almost don’t care. I wish my fighting spirit were by my side to help I fulfill my potential. How do you and other people stay fresh and new to start a new goal every day? I am grateful that I can wake up and start a fresh new day, but I people get up for a busy schedule from 7am-7pm and it’s a regular, when I need to plug off for a bit every couple of hours. You people, how do you make it through the day with your head high and your heart beating on purpose? How do you manage to try again when you know the same people, live in the same place, work on the same business and look at the same face every day in the mirror?

Sho me de wei

I love how people appear to be so well put-together. I love how they wake up and go about their day completely calm about what they like about their life and how that calmness translates to other parts of their lives. I love the beauty in their eyes and the grace of their expressions when they laugh and speak so aligned with their intentions. And how could I forget the way they try to make others grow as well? Funny, I thought this was me in 2011.

#on this earth day #grace face #jaded girl #show me da wae #heard not seen #beauty in solace #from my magical house

[ladycagebird]

reblog this if ur neither a boy nor a girl but in fact a cosmic entity

[ladycagebird]

*Stares longingly out the window onto a 5:30pm haze of gathering clouds, past the garden with hummingbirds & bees dancing aroundbirds of paradise and original roses on a lazy wednesday afternoon after a long day of trying to get through the general feeling of discomfort in the abdominal area:

.......

“I’d KILL for a chocolate.”

#daytoday #hazywednesday #perfectthoughts #chocolate is my main #contemplative contemplations #so gracious and free

[ladycagebird]

Far and wide

For I had already thought of going abroad

For I had already thought of visiting far

Were it not for fear and deamons of the sort, I would have gotten there ‘fore now

#late night writing #thinking of travel #going abroad #visiting others #is it good enough

[ladycagebird]

Vidchat #001

He wanted to talk about his anatomical eggplant.🍆 "I don't like small (short) girls".

I wasn't too interested in his sexual desires, but I preferred this over the blank page of my notebook.🗒

To calm myself a bit, I gave him a few deets on my sex life. Now I know this sounds weird, but trust me: speaking about something you feel comfortable about can lower your anxiety in a convo. 💆🏻

I am grateful for the nervous experience of having to filter out the expressionless faces of men who couldn't go to sleep and were looking for a laugh or a nude in a social app. I have learned to dodge the latter of the two with a 'good night' and a skip away. 🏃🏽‍♀️

P. S.

This isn't the first time I meet someone interesting and talkative on the first time of using a social app. 🤔

#holla #social apps #late night chats #vidchats #internet interactions #video vibrating

[ladycagebird]

Anyone wanna talk about everything?

#latenight #anons welcome #onthisday

[ladycagebird]

You Are Going To Have So Much Success In 2018 (pass it on)

[ladycagebird]

Hi.

I know I haven't written much lately, to you nor to my physical notebook. My attention has been pulled in one and the opposite direction. I'm finally making a little bit of progress with work, while trying to fight off the constant thoughts of shaming and guilt in my head that make me bow my head down in anxiety. I read the other day that the emotions farthest away from enlightment and transcendence are shame and guilt. The knowledge brought me more of the same, unfortunately, but I was surprised to learn that they were worse than fear! I thought fear was the worst emotion to move forward through spiritually, but it may not be so. My belief that fear has kept me from doing many of the things I wanna do in life has maybe given me the illusion that everything is to be accepted as out of my control, while at the same time feeling anxious if things go a little different than what I expected. What is fear but anxiety over losing control? What greater illusion is there but the one sustaining the belief that our material world is all there is and that it's under our sturdy, manipulative control?

I have been through periods of my life where I have wanted to be beautiful, smart, and loved, yet courage was not in my top to-feel list in life. "Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration." If fear equals death, then I have died every day over and over again without knowing. I have stared at death in the face while sitting alone in the bathroom floor facing a knife meant for my wrist, but death just teases and lets go. It lets go of the gift we are to receive sometime later in life. It lets go knowing that sometimes we are better off with him than without. So as the bird atop my roof spins from left to right over and over again, so we spin around in existence. Cycling from life and death continuously while hoping that aliens don't catch us*. I think I have talked about death with you before. 

Man, I zoned out for like 15 minutes there, took a power nap right before lunch haha. Or maybe that's why I'm sleepy. Anyways, Im a little disconcerted that my birthday is coming soon. Imma be one year from turning 30 and I don't know how I feel about that, I just know that it makes my abdomen nervous. Do you know any birthday rituals? Or praps I'd like a celebration to death on the anniversary of my birth. The Egyptians had a Book of the Dead for the living and a Book of Life for the dead. More recently, Sabina Spielrein (a Freudian close to Jung) wrote a lengthy paper titled "Death as the Cause of Coming into Being" explaining, in meta-spiritual language, the way death of the self can turn into birth and vice versa, be it in this physical world or another.I suppose death is a way, not an ending. Perhaps I am looking for a means, and not an end.

Sincerely,

Little Voice

*At this part, I was just about to sleep, I don't even remember why I wrote this alien sentence hahaha Left it there for farts and giggles. 'Ta.

#letters #thoughts #ramblings #life and death #birthright #transformation #fear #littledeath #breathe in #breathe out

[ladycagebird]

Moon cheese

Heya,

You know, I haven't written down anything in a while, what with all the hustle and bustle from accumulated work and running around the country with the fam. I daresay I miss the mostly-daily dancing of the metaphorical pen, writing 'round my latest bout of inexplicable anxiety and then switching nervously to what I ate for breakfast in an attempt to ride through the anger and tension I feel.

I noticed you a bit sad a couple of times these days, but I didn't wanna say anything cause we were all together as a family, trying to build memories and laughter together, so I couldn't think of a better distraction for woes. Then again, I began to think (oh boy, here we go) about how I had no clue what you were thinking about for the last three months. While I've been struggling with trying to not hurt myself unconsciously, I can only imagine the thoughts and flashes running through your head revolving around your unborn, magical child. I know I freaked out when I thought I was pregnant and took the plan B pill. Right before I did, I already had a plan for my life just in case I got confirmation that the baby was actually coming. I saw myself and my closest affected by this, and that's something I think about often, you know?

I once heard Tom Hanks in an interview saying that he often considered a role in a movie when his character was facing an issue he (Tom) didn't know how he'd handle in real life. How would I react to tough situations?

A good friend of mines was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago and I only found out two months ago. She completely isolated herself from others, she doesn't leave the house nor accepts visitors at home and she's totes depressed, according to one of the only two people she agrees to see (besides her parents and sis). My first reaction was how unwise it was to ban herself from emotional support from more family and friends, but then I think: How the fuck would I know what it's like to be in that situation? I don't even know her chances of recovery and I've never had to live with someone dealing with such a medical issue. Here I am writing this email and I'm still waiting for my doc to call me and tell me whether or not my pap smear came neg or not. I don't know what it's like to live with cancer, nor what it's like to have a fetus growing every day inside of me.

I sometimes daydream how I would -ideally- act if I were given a tough situation to face, like possible death, or pain or growing old and alone. I don't mind being single right now, but what's gonna happen 40 years from now (if we make it, God willing) and I don't have anyone caring for me when I get sick or sad? Would I turn into our single uncle? My great-aunt was a strong woman, which makes me think this is how she got through life without drowning in solitude. Well, strength and money. I wonder if this is what's keeping me from pursuing psychology as a career as well. I feel disconnected from other people's woes, that I'm not sure I can help anyone anymore. It seemed so natural and effortless, but now I feel like I am merely growing a shell to move on from where the wounds hurt the most. I still remember the time I spent an hour and a half crying in bed & feeling like useless shit, still feel every anger and retort thrown at my niece as if it were said to me. I feel everything and I don't know if that's useful nor what to do with it, other than write and breathe. Where is my creativity and imagination? Where is the naivette that made me jump blindly into a pool, made me speak to strangers without fear and start chasing new passions without fear of failure? Maybe I am making a well out of a drop of water, but I am trying to make sense of things while I hear everyone around me scream "positive thoughts!" and "it's all part of the plan, trust it!". I trust with my heart that it's true, but not with my body.

My body runs as a vessel made for deep seas, while my soul is meant for the open sky. I feel like it weighs me down rather than it lifting me up, and I honestly don't blame people for wanting to kill themselves, even if that's not the best answer. Fuck. I just....wanna travel without lifting a finger and come back home whenever I feel like recharging. If humans have inhabited Earth for a tiny portion of the planet's history, how have we made it so nice for a few and so weary and difficult for others? (although I wouldn't even include myself in the latter group).Fuck man, I'm writing only to write now, maybe. Dunno if I'm even making sense right now! It's just that I'm sitting in a lovely house, looking at the moon outside while I type away in the open corridor in front of the garden, and guilt builds up----NOPE I'm not writing this anymore.Okay, just lemme proofread this. All right, all done. All right man, I hope you're doing okay, I still feel like listening to friends and fam in spite of it all, and I'm just tryna be here, man. Ciao, Tefa

#late night writing #moon #feelings #art #latenightthoughts #thinking #cheese #aboutif #alwayshere #neverthere #whatis #canibreakthrough #listen #patience

[ladycagebird]

New Moon: new what?!

Yo! Today is one year to the moment my life changed in ways I couldn't have predicted, nor would I have wanted to predict, honestly. I didn't know everything was gonna change 365 days ago.

I have a bit of a cold and I've been trying to distract myself from thinking too much, but I dunno man. I love thinking, so maybe this is a double-edged knife thing that I was made to sharpen and practice daily. Carrying such a weapon, I wish for the courage and bravery to wield it wisely, but such beliefs run short in my fam. The more I wanna be brave and courageous, the less of it I see in the people in my life. Fear and worry consumes those I encounter on a daily basis, and it shows through their anxiety, gastritis, dizziness, body pains, and the like. I can't feel what they're feeling physically, but sometimes I think I can see the pain coming from their eyes, the secret they keep to themselves during the day and recall at night, the thoughts that trips the wire in their brain, making their bodies think it's either 'fight or flight', upsetting the delicate balance of their immune system. If I sound sort of vague it's because I don't want to point accusing fingers at others, as I'm trying not to judge myself 24/7.

At this point my legal name means little to me, other than my past, but my present is not really mines either. I live every day with the somber shrine of what used to be me, instead of what I am. I tried being a soft creature, and I got squashed. I tried being 'tough, so hard', yet I bent & broke, so what's it gonna be, man? I mean, at first, pressure and pain was fine and worth it, and then things escalated (de-escalated?) pretty quickly, and now I sit in relative stillness every day, hoping that from nothing, something will crack out and make sense of things. "Maybe if I don't dream of going to Japan (or anywhere else), I will never be crushed with the disappointment of reality." "Maybe if I stop trying to look for a way to make money on my own then maybe, just maybe, I can stay completely still and not feel like a fucking failure."So far, I have bought a 1000-piece puzzle of a calm landscape to try and slow time down while I listen to podcasts. Comedy and the Universe are mostly what I am listening to these days, if you're interested to know.

Questions Section

How do air and water feel sliding around their space without having to even try to make its presence known to others, melting into everything it touches, feeling into the emotions that we earth people try to cover up with the thickest of our soil? How does fire not burn itself out from the intense nature contained in its volatile soul? How can I move if my feet are stuck in the soft, stable soil made to keep me safe and grounded? My feet may be treading the leaves in my forest, but my head is in the clouds, looking at the stars and wishing air would come meet me and take me on a ride beyond what pebbles and stones only speak of. Fire cannot kill me for good, air cannot move me, and water can only hope to make a road through which it can cross to the other side of my reign. What are the chances of electricity in a crowded ecosystem?

Man, this has been a long one ^_^”

Ta, dear cuz.

P.S.

On a related note, this was a lovely read: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/03/she-is-a-wild-card-the-omega-female/

#latenightthoughts #scribbles #newmoon #wildcard #whatsinaname #earthtype #flyaway #deeplypersonal #naturethoughts #seeing #letterstomycousin

[ladycagebird]

Video Games

Heeeey there! I did not wake up cheery today, but I am at the moment because of something that happened when I was showering this morning (no orgasm yet!). So I was doing my usual cleaning and checking up on my vaginal area when I felt a brown, painless, itchless, non-scaly bump. I admit I got preoccupied when I saw it, going cold on the inside, anxious, and whatnot. I decided to risk it and looked online what it could be. Of course, everything came up: warts, HPV, other viruses, cancer, etc. lol. Turns out Im not going home till next week, and I already have two other doctors appointment coming up. I might not even want to come back home in the future X'D Anyways, I was tryna chill myself down, since I usually freak out at vaginal abnormalities (surprise fucking surprise). SO I STARTED THINKING: - I already had an HIV test done that came back negative - The Doc might say it could be nothing, it could go away on its own - If it IS something, then she'll recommend some sorta treatment (or splice it yesss) - It might be that my sorta careless sex life is finally catching up to me In any case, if it Does turn out to be cancer, HPV, or something autoimmune, then.........I think I could live with the news. I remember last year I was almost dying of panic before I got my HIV results, but now I've rethought this whole thing through. Would it be so bad to have an STD and be super fucking careful with sex or not have sex at all ever again? I've been celibate for over 2 years, although granted, that 8 of those period-less months was spent without any horniness. STILL. Would it be so bad to have a potentially terminal illness that could end my life quicker than expected? I have lived my life scared as fuck half the time, is that really living in full? I tell myself that I wanna be brave and courageous, but simple shit like driving and talking to strangers make me cower. Is the prospect of death really THAT worrisome to this, our western society? Is death really that bad? Or finite? While I have no intention of killing myself nor dying, I sometimes wonder: If death is not the end, would it mean that when it happens I could finally go back to the stars and be part of the cosmic energy light? Sometimes I don't feel at home in my body, or in my surroundings, though I've grown used to both. But the thought of dying and forming part of something larger, unseen, possibly miraculous and way beyond my imagination almost excites me to no end. I would love to know what's out there. I understand that it might not be anything that I know or expect, but that's all right. Also, I have no children to pass on my illnesses or past life curses to, and so I would go out clean, being the one who died with the last of whatever's haunting me (am I making sense?). Anyways, I don't wanna be physically sick, but I feel tired of living carefully, hardly living either. Could whatever's in my vaginal area be an opportunity for growth or even expansion into the cosmos? Could it be that my death would mean something to myself and my family of crazies? You call me awesome, but all I can do is look down and stare at my white feather necklace and hope that my ancestors are rooting for me, cause I have tried the same for years and I feel tired trying to convince myself that "EVERYTHING IS OKAY" while trying to undo the knot in my stomach. Maybe I am overreacting to a small bump in my nether regions, but death hardly scares me anymore, and the only thing I wish is for a resolution to crisis. I still haven't restarted praying to God. Not that I don't think he doesn't exist, but maybe the dude/dudette's busy and wants me to 'fix' myself on my own. I always dreamed of living in lil' town in the autumn of my life. What if this is it? Although I wanna go to a Coldplay concert this August before I die. Thank you for reading, have a nice day :) 💩

#latenightthoughts #bump #video games #death #depression #freedom #lcb #stars #letter

[ladycagebird]

Something like this.

Birdcage

#relate birdcage

[ladycagebird]

Art.deep

If great art comes from the deepest of our wounds then where is the statue of me on my knees begging for it all to end?

Where is the drawing of me looking out the window into the light, trying my best not to think about the past again and again?

Where is the handcrafted paper chains representing each one of my tears as they rolled down my cheek one after the other?

“Sadness equals art”? The windows of my soul see it all gray.

“Sorrow brings about creation”? How many times must I break down and break apart in order for my magnum opus to come into creation?

“Tears are creative juices flowing”? When was the last time you cried just to make art? Tell me, I’d love to know why you’d sacrifice your happiness and health for the off chance others could see into your soul.

Tell me, I’d love to know you.

#soul #artdeep #prose #latenightthoughts #words #knowme #knowyou

[ladycagebird]

Tomorrow we wake up and try again.

I thought if I could help save others, I would save myself in the process.

I pushed away my feelings and tried to ignore what was yelling inside in order to focus to work and control my surroundings. Or so I tried.

I am Lady CageBird, and I have clinical depression.

I take meds prescribed by a psychiatrist and I work on mental exercises recommended by my psychologist. My body is getting back to normal, but my mind isn’t yet

I can either hide and ignore what is happening in my life right now, or I can admit it and get the pain and humiliation over with it.

This is my story.

#depression #latenightthoughts #storytime #psychiatrist #psychologist #pills #freedom #love #soul #peace