#<- afraid of therapists

[nell0-0]

Too tired to draw, what is this curse. I wanna draw so badly but can't even focus on the screen, augh

#talk tag #rant #i guess? #i feel super bad about complaining in here #but where else would I go with it #I just got a stressful job and keep messing up #not the job itself. but relationships with coworkers #it's so stressful bc I don't wanna come across as mean #it's just my face/voice when I'm not constantly making sure it's soft and nice #I don't wanna be mean #can't just go and say “it's the neurodivergence” #since I don't even know wtf is wrong with me #<- afraid of therapists #bc if I go to even one therapists and disregards my struggles I may just cry. and impostor syndrome again #rambling in the tags #will delete this later #i just needed to get this out #I also keep infodumping to clients and not sure how that's gonna fly with the bosses #...probably not well #english is hard today wtf #tw vent

[greg-montgomery]

i wrote something inspired by that dream scene from “route 66” but it’s reader in aaron’s place.

i kept it kinda vague…it could be that aaron was your boyfriend who is now dead or that aaron is who he really is, a fictional character. your choice. either way he stays the same age.

angst 🫡

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

“Hi, sweetheart. I saved you a seat.”

“Aaron?”

He stood up tall and gorgeous, dressed up as if he was your date to a ball. His hand reached out to you and you grabbed it without a second thought.

It felt warm and real, but even after giving it a squeeze, you still knew it wasn’t.

“Come to me.”

You, of course, did.  

“You look different,” he said once you sat down. His large hand cupped your cheek and you nuzzled against it, savoring the moment; knowing it could very well be the last time you had the chance to do it. “You’ve grown.”

“You haven’t,” you said and the realization broke your heart. “I miss you.”

“I know.”

Staring into his eyes, you wished for the moment to never end. You only wanted to drown in that feeling of peace and safety forever. But he took his eyes away from yours, redirecting his attention to the big screen in front of him.

“Oh look, it’s starting!” he said, seemingly excited for the movie you were about to watch.

Instead of the face of a famous actor though, you saw your own self moving across the screen. Moments of your life; you at home, you at work, you alone or with friends.

“Look how beautiful you are,” he said admiring you.

Where you saw sadness he saw beauty; you loved him for it.

“Who is that?” he asked, hitting you playfully with his elbow.

“Just a boy.”

“I think he likes you.”

“He’s not you.”

And even if he was, he would never love you the way you wanted to be loved. The way Aaron did it.

“It gets hard,” you spoke again. “And I’m alone. When it gets too much, I think that if you were here I wouldn’t be afraid.”

“I am here. You just can’t see me. I’m proud of everything you do.”

With that he brought his lips on yours, kissing you more gently than you’d ever been kissed before.

“I need to go now,” he said when your mouths parted. “I’m sorry.”

“No, please don’t leave,” you begged him, a few tears escaping from the corners of your eyes.

Aaron was quick to catch them with his thumb, rubbing your cheek as he spoke to you softly.

“I have to.”

“Then I wanna stay with you. I don’t wanna go back,” you asked with a broken voice. “Please.”

“We can’t always have it our way, sweetheart,” he scolded you. But his tone was loving, not tough.

You had no choice but to accept that you had to let go. “That’s unfair.”

“I know.”

You sighed and your gaze dropped to the floor, so he took your chin between his fingers and forced you to look at him. “There are people back there who care about you, you know.”

You nodded at his words, and that earned you a proud smile. Aaron opened his arms and you gladly got lost in them, melting entirely in his embrace. Holding him as tight as you could, you silently begged that the moment you’d wake up would wait just a bit longer.

#aaron hotchner x reader #hiding in the tags 🙈 #yes i am seeing a therapist don’t worry 🙏🏻 #lmfao #i’m embarrassed posting this #i’m afraid people will think that i take him too seriously and it’s not that deep #but i’m feeling really sad today and this helped #‘ceilings’ really hits with this fic btw #hotch 🪐

[gaybearwedding]

one thing about me is i WILL treat silly little improvised musicals like full scripted media. i’ve written cornhole in one fic. i know all the mallapalooza kids’ last names. i have designs for many off book/pibe characters that look nothing like zach and jess. off book episode 66 we object to fear live from the curious comedy theater in portland is no longer a podcast episode to me it is the jumping off point for an entire world that i created and spent the better part of a year being absolutely fucking insane about

#mine #play it by ear #pibe #off book #off book podcast #dropout #zach reino #jess mckenna #i might end up deleting this bc i’m afraid of seeming too insane but i want to see if anyone else does this #i cannot talk too much about my relationship to wotf on here i have to maintain some semblance of dignity #but brian is irish catholic and a child of divorce and clark is the child of a therapist and has a lizard named melon. trust me on this #anyway #maybe at some point i’ll actually finish the cornhole in one + mallapalooza drawings i started a while back and maybe i’ll post them

[naranjapetrificada]

A small addendum to the "my therapist watched OFMD and what he said next blew my mind" (what I could have called it if I wanted a clickbait title lol) post:

Part of the whole disenfranchised loss thing that comes with mourning your past selves and the selves you never got to be after discovering brilliant new and unimagined possibilities is that the new thing, whatever it is, also comes without a narrative sometimes. And one of the more unusual traits of the 🌟Gay Pirate Show🌟 that regularly comes up is that it's very much not a coming of age story.

So, so many queer stories we see are coming of age stories, and because coming of age stories usually come with a whole "I haven't figured out everything about life yet but I've got a better handle on who I really am!" vibe, the path forward feels less unknown and unknowable. A story like Stede and Ed's though? When you're a fucking adult and have the means, motive, and opportunity to finally go out and make a life you want? That kind of responsibility is fucking terrifying, because a) you have to make it happen yourself and b) you might be sitting there knowing you want a change, knowing that something has to change, but you may not have even the tiniest inkling of what this new you could even begin to look like.

You have to build the road as you're walking down it, in complete darkness, with the awareness of life's brevity that only comes with having already participated in adult life. You end up unmoored between your most recent selves and whatever this new, unknown thing is that comes next, and that makes the work you have to do even harder. And as time passes, it will feel like the likelihood of being able to try again if you fail to stick the landing this time only decreases.

#I hope that makes literally any sense #therapy #my therapist is great #don't be afraid to bring up media that speaks to you in therapy #ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd meta #go ahead and grieve yourself #disenfranchised loss

[fatsmyname]

ramblings of a boydyke

he/him

#my art #butch lesbian #ftm lesbian #boydyke #butch #transmasc lesbian #lesbian #transmasc #transgender #my therapist didn’t immediately clear me for hrt so that’s cool of her to do #also been thinking a lot of s&m and intimacy and gender #and how much of my gender relates to being good #the intersections of gender and kink and my complex identity #feeling at home with butchness but also with my maleness #and how I’m not afraid to admit I feel like both #and that masculinity has freed me more than anything #that I love to be a boy and I love to be good #hence why I beg to be someone’s good boy #n ee way…

[hel7l7]

My therapist traumatized me and I can't let go of the anger I feel towards her

#this-series #this is not the norm #don't be afraid to do therapy now #i've had plenty of decent therapists #only this one.... #not so much #trauma #ptsd #ctpsd #i'm good th

[chryblossomjjk]

...

#first therapy session went well ! #i didn't cry which is v surprising lol #maybe bc we didnt go too in depth about things but #therapist already picking up on things i didn't like #never really thought of myself as an anxious person #depression was more so what stuck out to me #but like therapist was like bestie... u sound more anxious than ur perceiving #like i put that i don't struggle with social anxiety bc generally in a group of people im pretty outgoing #but like my coping skills are isolation lol #and i often turn down invitations bc of my insecurities #and in general just hate being perceived despite wanting it #like i literally havent answered any asks on here in months bc #im afraid of what people think of me #and im scared of interaction #but im also dying for human connection lol :')) #i also avoid men completely bc trauma so yeah #and it all stems from a deep deep belief that i am not worthy of love n wOw im sad but like we can only go up from here right :')) #LMAO SORRY THAT THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG HAS BECOME BUT #idk this is my diary fr #anywho sorry for everything #will most likely delete all these rants bc its embarassing lol but #love you all #and im so sorry for not answering the asks #thank you for reading my fics #your comments mean sm to me truly #love you endlessly

[cevansbrat0007]

So Saltburn was definitely an experience. Everybody in that move slayed. And if I didn't have any serious mental health issues before, I certainly do now.

BECAUSE WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK DID I JUST WATCH?!

@sarahdonald87 I mean, really?

#britt's thoughts #Saltburn #What an absolute mindfuck of a movie #I need to repent #is Jesus available #I need somebody holy on speedial #because what the fuck even is this movie #I am now afraid to make new friends #nobody strip at my funeral #Jesus would not approve #but my therapist might #but also probably not

[the-one-who-lambs]

y'all are so lovely because I've spent nearly my entire life feeling like I'm annoying for being too excited about my interests and trying to bandage them like a bleeding wound because I've learned that even many friends would put up with it until I become Too Much but now I'm surrounded by people who actually love that I pour my whole soul into what I do and suddenly I am no longer as intimidated by my muchness

#hannah's rambles #reading my comments feels like getting hundreds of hugs. #not to be so loudly late diagnosed autistic but uhhhhhhh #i still worry a lot that I'm too annoying #I was talking to my therapist months ago about unmasking and worrying about my friends seeing me differently #and she asked me what I valued in friendship and one of my first answers was authenticity. someone who isnt afraid to own their Weirdness #and she was like “ok. so does that not apply to you or? bc you build friendships around valuing authenticity” #“so if you unmask the authentic self you've been hiding you'll probably find your friends already love who you are” #when i tell you that shit has taken this entire year to actually click #and I'm feeling LOVE in this chili's tonight.

[freyfall]

i've been thinking about honesty and awareness a lot over the past... year, year and a half? what you can expect people to tell you, what you can ask, what you have to trust. what you have to look for, what people have to tell you, when it's time to listen and when it's time to stop. how does intention change things? does it at all?

it feels like the world is built on half truths and lies and implications and things felt but not said and the more and more I think about it the more and more it hurts me to think about how people communicate like that. where is your sense of good faith. where is your trust. and the more I get blindsided by people who behave that way around me the more distrustful I become over whether or not people mean what they say and it just becomes paranoia.

anyways I opened this post to talk about how I'm coming to terms with being autistic after my therapist Broke The News To Me and how it affects my communication and my sheer mountains of rsd/paranoia. and I just think I'm upset because I don't speak the same brain language as 95% of people I know and it's isolating and scary to be so afraid of people

#it was actually kind of funny. i got a therapist and a few sessions in shes like #'have you ever considered that you might be autistic' #after i non stop kept rambling about how i was deeply afraid of fucking up socially because i dont understamd what the rules are #and i was like. oh #anyways social paranoia SUCKS. its trash. 0 stars.

[futureslaps]

The Captive - Chapter 16

Chapter 15. Chapter 17

This chapter is quite a bit longer than the others, but I couldn’t stop myself. I had a blast writing this.

Slight content warning: Quaritch swears quite a bit in this. Nothing too bad, but just a heads up. 

Enjoy! 💙

It was dark. The sound of the rainstorm outside was like a constant drumbeat on the canvas. The hut was separated in two by some bars, and behind them….

“Here to gloat, kid?”

Kiri jumped at the voice. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she spotted him, sitting against the tree that supported the structure.

Quaritch looked worse off than when she’d last seen him. He looked thinner, and more tired, but it didn’t make him any less intimidating. He was staring at her through narrowed eyes, a look of contempt clear on his face. In the dim light, he almost did look like a demon. She felt a pit in her stomach.

This is for Spider. I have to do this for Spider.

Kiri crept forward, keeping her eyes on Quaritch. His eyes drifted to the bowls in her hands. Kiri almost cursed when she realized her hands had started shaking. She forced them to still, then placed the bowls down in front of the bars, picking up the empty ones from the day before.

“What’s this? Sully’s too pussy to visit?” Quaritch spoke in a low voice, his face bore a cruel grin. “He sends the kids to do his work?”

Kiri almost responded, but stopped herself.

He wants to provoke you. Ignore it.

Think of Spider.

She stood back up and took a step back.

It was time.

“I want to talk to you about Spider.”

Quaritch raised an eyebrow, but he scoffed.

“Your daddy put you up to this? I already told him; I don’t give a damn about that kid.”

“What did you do while you had him prisoner?” Kiri continued, her voice level.

Quaritch’s expression was unchanged.

“Again, with this? I told you; I barely ever saw him. I don’t know, and I don’t care about his stay with the RDA.”

“You don’t care at all?” Kiri asked, trying to sound surprised.

“No. Now fuck off, there’s nothing I can tell you.” He turned away, clearly done with her.  

Had Kiri not talked with Spider, she would have left it at that. But she was paying very close attention to the way Quaritch was acting, trying to catch traces of emotion. Quaritch was tough to gauge…

But he was lying. Kiri was certain of it.

She took a deep breath before asking the next question.

This was it.

“Why did you save him on the ship?”

The question took Quaritch off guard. He turned back toward her, and, for just a moment, his expression faltered. He quickly corrected himself, but Kiri had noticed.

He took a moment to respond.

“Maybe…I just didn’t want to see a kid get gutted in front of me. Didn’t know your momma was a psycho like that.”

The words stung, but Kiri kept her composure. She had to show Quaritch she was serious, and she wasn’t afraid.

“Why him? Plenty of other sky-people were killed that day. What made Spider so special you surrendered for him?”

Quaritch growled at the words. His smirk was gone, replaced by bared teeth.

“That wasn’t no surrender. I would have fought your bastard father without hesitation. I’d have killed him and then…”

Ignore the insults.

“I’m sure you wanted to, but you didn’t.” Kiri cut him off, her own voice growing sterner. “You threw down your knife and raised your hands. You chose saving Spider over your revenge. Why?”

“Why? How about fuck you, that’s why. I don’t owe you a damn explanation for anything.” Quaritch spat, but his voice was tinged with…uncertainty?

Kiri would never have noticed it if she wasn’t paying close attention, but the words sounded less confident than before. He wanted to get out of this conversation.

She realized she was making Quaritch, the Colonel Quaritch, uncomfortable.

Somehow, she had him on the back foot.

“You do care about him, don’t you?” She pressed. “Why else would you give yourself up like that?”

“You’re fucking delusional. I don’t have a clue what you’re getting at.” Quaritch growled back.

“Yes, you do. Why are you avoiding the question. Are you scared?” Kiri pushed him.

“Scared?” Quaritch hissed, baring his teeth as he pressed himself against the bars. “Why you little shit, why don’t you come closer, and I’ll show you what it means to be scared!”

Kiri’s heart began to race. She imagined Quaritch grabbing her, pulling her against the bars, and strangling her. His tone, his expression, everything told her he meant it. Her instincts were all telling her to run. Get far away from this demon. But something told her otherwise.

He’s trying to scare you away. Don’t let him.

Despite everything, Kiri forced a small smile on her face, still staring at the man.

“You’re still avoiding my question. You are scared.”

Quaritch hissed at her. An instinctive expression of rage for any Na’vi.

“Is that what you are, a coward? Avoiding the truth?” Kiri tried to provoke him again, but he didn’t speak. He was staring daggers at her, but his mouth was shut.

Kiri thought for a moment. He was giving her the silent treatment. Quaritch was clearly trying to hide something at this point. He was blatantly trying to shut the conversation down.

Well, he may be trying to worm out of it, but Kiri was not finished. She still hadn’t gotten the answers she needed. Besides, she was almost… curious to see how he would respond.

She thought about what to say next. Something that would break the man’s silence. Something that would force him to respond.

“Tell me, Colonel. If you and Spider ‘barely know each other’, why does he come visit you at night?”

This time, the impact on Quaritch’s demeanor was clear. His breath hitched, and his face suddenly lost color. His ears also pressed back against his head. An instinctive reaction of anger…or fear.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He growled. His voice was a mix of rage and…nervousness?

“Really?” Kiri pressed him. “You have no idea that Spider visits you?”

“Make up whatever bullshit you want, kid. Don’t mean it’s true.”

This moment was key.

“I’ll have to see what my father knows about it. I think he’ll be very… interested in knowing more about what I saw…” Kiri threatened.

“Go ahead. Tell the bastard whatever you want. See if I care.” Quaritch spat back.

Kiri turned, as if to leave. She took one step, then another.

It had been a gamble, of course. She couldn’t actually tell Jake.

Another step.

If she turned around now, she’d be admitting defeat. Her confidence started decreasing.

One more step.

Still nothing from Quaritch. Had she blown her chance?

She reached for the flap…

“Wait!” Quaritch yelled behind her. The amount of panic in his voice took Kiri by surprise.

She turned back around to face Quaritch. He was still seething, but now, there was panic in his face. His eyes were wide, and his breath was shallow.

“I…I put him up to it. I made him do it. Don’t you blame this on Spider.” His voice was angry, but also held hints of desperation.

“So.” Kiri returned to where she had been standing. “You do care about Spider.”

“Fuck you.” Growled the man.

Kiri stared into his eyes silently. After a moment, Quaritch dropped his eyes.

“Yeah. Guess I might, just a little.” He sounded angry speaking the words, but it was still something.

It didn’t satisfy Kiri though. His excuse had been a lie, and his confession had been weak, almost meaningless. She needed to know more.

“Why does Spider really visit you?” She asked. “And don’t tell me you made him do it. That’s not true, and you know it.”

“Why the hell do you want to know?” Quaritch asked. His voice had lost some of it’s edge, but it was still angry.

Kiri looked at the man in front of her, trying to think of how to get through to him. She considered her options. She could try to keep provoking him, but that wasn’t seeming to get her anywhere. Quaritch’s natural state was probably being angry, it wouldn’t bother him.

She decided on a different approach. If any of what Spider had said was true…

“I care about Spider, too.” She explained. “He’s my friend. He’s my brother. I need to know that he’s safe, that you aren’t hurting him in any way.”

Quaritch remained silent. He was visibly gritting his teeth, but he didn’t respond. Kiri tried to think of how to push him to answer. Spider’s words came to her mind.

“I want to make sure that what he told me was true. What he told me about you.”

Quaritch was still silent, though he was clearly trying to avoid eye contact with Kiri. She decided to continue.

“You know what he told me? He said you comforted him. He said you helped him.”

Quaritch closed his eyes, but still said nothing.

“You know what else?” Kiri made herself sound more insistent. “He said you were nice to him. He said you were kind to him. He said he loved you.”

Quaritch’s breath hitched at the last words, but he didn’t speak. Kiri started to get angry. She wasn’t too surprised at Quaritch’s response, but it still infuriated her. Spider had poured his heart out talking about him, and he was just sitting here grimacing in silence.

“He said all of that about you, knowing the risk he was taking. He said all of that, and you can’t say anything about him?”

Silence.

“Spider called you his dad, and this is how much you care?”

Kiri was about to say more, but Quaritch spoke before she could.

“What…what do you even want me to say?”

Kiri raised her eyebrows at his voice. It sounded beaten, broken. Her words had clearly had an effect. She considered her next actions very carefully. She’d finally broken through all his denials and stonewalling.

This was her best chance. She couldn’t waste it.

One more idea came to her mind. It was crazy, but…

She stepped towards Quaritch, and, after a moment of hesitation, put her hand on his shoulder. The same way she’d done for anyone else when she talked to them heart-to-heart.

“Do you care about Spider? Do you love him like he loves you?”

Quaritch tensed at the contact from her, but he didn’t move. He kept looking down, his expression unreadable. A mix of emotions Kiri couldn’t decipher. He took a deep, shaky breath, then nodded.

“He’s my son, same species or not. ‘course I care about him.” Quaritch spoke quietly, a strangely thoughtful expression on his face. “He means the world to me.”

His voice was affectionate, talking about Spider openly for the first time.

Kiri couldn’t help but be slightly stunned by the admission. She hadn’t fully grasped the meaning of Spider’s words when he’d spoken them. They had seemed so impossible, Kiri had never stopped to really think about them.

But the living proof was right before her eyes. Quaritch, Colonel Quaritch, The Demon Quaritch, really did care for Spider. And from the way he spoke the words, he cared far more than Kiri had been expecting to find.

For a moment, both of them stood in silence, with only the sound of the rain filling the hut. Kiri’s hand was still on Quaritch’s soldier. Both were seemingly still in shock from what had just happened to show any reaction. For Kiri, it felt almost surreal, seeing the hulking, battle scarred Avatar before her with a sad, thoughtful expression on his face, his ears drooping.

“Don’t… don’t hurt the kid.” Quaritch finally broke the silence, his voice barely audible above the downpour. “He’s on your side all the way. He’s not…like me.”

Kiri looked hard at the man in front of her. She’d heard endless stories about him. About his evil, his cruelty. She’d experienced it herself. But, for a moment, she tried to forget them. She tried to forget Colonel Quaritch, who had shot down her mother. She tried to forget the Demon, who had razed the Omatikaya hometree. She tried to think of that man as a long-dead sky-person.

Kiri looked at Quaritch the way he was now. Emotional. Sullen. Vulnerable.

She had a choice to make. Kiri had the answers she wanted. She had no reason to talk to him anymore. She knew Spider was safe from him, and that was what mattered. She could leave, never look back, and leave Quaritch to his fate.

But she wouldn’t. Some voice, some instinct, deep within her, told her not to.

Maybe it was the knowledge that Quaritch might be the only other person that truly cared for Spider. It felt strangely comforting, knowing that Spider had someone else to turn to, even if it was him.

Maybe it was Eywa, telling Kiri she couldn’t just forget. She just couldn’t ignore what she’d learned about a man everyone had already dismissed as Ngay Kwang. Pure evil.

Maybe it was her compassion. Maybe, in the moment, she just felt bad seeing a living thing clearly hurting.

Kiri blinked. Whatever it was telling her to help the man in front of her, she couldn’t refuse it.

She crouched down so she could meet his eyes.

“Spider is safe. I promise. I’m not going to tell anyone about this.”

Quaritch nodded, still in slight shock from the conversation that had just transpired.

“I’m going to go.” Kiri told him. “But…I’ll be back.”

Quaritch didn’t respond, so she stood up, and turned to leave.

As she was about to exit the hut, though, Kiri heard him call out.

“Never got your name.”

She paused for a moment, before calling back.

“I’m Kiri.”

She put on a more neutral expression, then left the hut.

Quaritch was not prepared for this conversation with Kiri...

I hope you liked the way I handled this meeting. I don’t have much of a reference for Kiri and Quaritch talking (did they talk even once in the movie?), so I was basically going with my gut. Tried to keep them both in character during the tenser parts, and the more emotional moments.

Please let me know what you thought, this was probably my most ambitious chapter lol. 

Taglist: @yesthisismycurrenthyperfixation @buzzinghoneybee @onlyreadz

#Quaritch is afraid to show emotions #Kiri would be a good therapist #avatar #avatar 2 #avatar the way of water #atwow #avatar quaritch #avatar jake #avatar kiri #avatar spider #recom quaritch #spider socorro

[soldier-poet-king]

Not to be like for all it's faults perks of being a wallflower really fuckin went off with 'we accept the love we think we deserve' but I've been thinking about that, and fundamental beliefs about the self, the awful things you know about yourself at your core, the fear of being found out, the unending hunger so familiar that most days you can pretend you're full on scraps and wouldn't know how to eat if given the chance anyway, the idea of comfort, the even more nebulous idea of 'deserve' and it's just. Yeah. Maybe so

#the duality of fran #im. hm. hm. its real bad folks #i should uh. idk. find a therapist i guess #idk what they can do tho. cant change the fundamental nature of my being. #or the beliefs abt myself ingrained since childhood #the transactional nature of worth and value and usefullness. when applied to me. #the not knowing how to be anything other than it #the hunger the hunger the hunger #the vertiginous future. #im so goddamn tired #i am putting off making some important phone calls for work #bc im afraid i wont be able to get sentences out without half crying rn #ive been begging for ages to have a good cry. been too idk. blunted to crying specifically #so many emotions but no catharsis #and now that im primed to cry. its at WORK

[naranjapetrificada]

This is going to be long so the short version is this:

I convinced my therapist to watch the 🌟Gay Pirate Show🌟 and now I have to confront a previously unidentified and terrifyingly deep emotional wound that could be as transformative to heal as it is terrifying to approach.

My therapist and I have a lot of let's say...demographic things in common that have made this the most successful therapeutic relationship I've ever had, but also that just made me think he might like the show. It's no secret that ofmd has been a deeply moving experience for its viewers, and queer, neurodivergent, and/or people of color have written at length about the special ways it touches us (or doesn't). Those are three categories both he and I fit into and it feels relevant to say that for context.

So yes I thought he might like it, but I also wanted to pick his brain about Big Feelings it was giving me that I hadn't experienced with the same intensity with other media/fandoms. Y'all, he gave me a completely unexpected reading on the show (and its story and its fan works) and why it makes us feel So Much that I haven't seen anywhere before.

When I say Big Feelings, I mean like I've literally had to swear off a couple of pretty innocuous categories on AO3 ("Growing Old Together" and "Domestic Fluff") because they would devastate me in ways that I couldn't attribute to anything specific. Growing Old Together comes with the possibility of death separating them, which is heartbreaking, but that didn't feel like it was the thing that was gutting me. Domestic Fluff could probably be called the most innocuous tag ever, but anything that saw our blorbos settling down and watching the Revenge sail off into the distance was fucking me up as well.

There are plenty of reasons why OFMD makes queer people feel so much, but when I say this was fucking me up I mean like, well, remember when people outside of classical music started learning about appoggiatura? Like intellectually knowing why I was crying but at a loss how intense everything felt. And my therapist (who is as good at analyzing a text as he is at being a therapist) was like "oh, it could be all the grief."

The grief.

The audacity of this motherfucker (affectionate).

It's a romcom! It's a romcom that we were explicitly told would have a happy ending! It's a romcom where the characters will get to sail off into the sunset together like they want and like we want for them! Stede and Ed, after four decades of self-hatred and trauma and fear and isolation, somehow find each other. And one of the sweetest things about their story is that it's a late in life love story, because it's incredibly inspiring for someone to get to experience a part of life they thought wasn't for them. The inescapable fact that their time together will be shorter than any of us would like is sad but not unaccountably sad to me, because of how much joy they'll be able to cram into the time they have left. I could be wrong but I don't think that alone is the source of what's been overwhelming me.

Grief is a constant presence in the world-building and the storytelling because grief is a natural response to well, so many things about being alive. Grieving is some of the hardest shit any of us ever have to do, but it's also so universal and so many of the things that make us uniquely human also make grieving well, maybe not easier, but something we can endure and process through ritual, community, and the example of those we've witnessed grieving their own losses. Many kinds of grief come with narratives that you can accept or reject all or parts of, but the narrative exists.

But have you ever heard of disenfranchised loss? Loss that's not easily labeled or classified or given the time or space or understanding it deserves? Have you experienced a loss like that? Can you imagine how much more difficult it makes the grieving process?

Well what my therapist suggested, the thing that knocked me on my ass hard enough that I had to come have Online Feelings about it, is that eventually, we all have to mourn ourselves. Not necessarily in a "mortality is inevitable" way (that happens to everyone) but in ways that are often unique to people like him and me (black, ND, queer). Even if we work on ourselves, if we grow and heal our trauma and feel at home in our identities and our bodies and build beautiful lives, eventually we will be forced to mourn the selves that we never got to be in the societies in which we live and the selves we once had to become to survive this long.

And that mourning is a kind of disenfranchised loss, with no clear path forward. Obviously this conversation happened within the context of everything my therapist knows about me as an individual, but I thought certain things might resonate with other fans as well so I wanted to talk about it. The story of this bizarre little man and his remarkable second act and his lovely little found family and his incredibly beautiful love story (that we've been guaranteed will end happily) is still haunted by the specific kind of grief that comes from learning what's possible, and regretting that you didn't know it was possible sooner.

And does anybody have more delayed milestones, later-in-life discoveries, and/or need to invent places for themselves than those of us on the social fringes? Than those of us in societies unequipped for (or actively hostile to) the ways we exist and the things we need to survive and thrive? Than those of us who have to create our own narratives or be saddled with inaccurate or harmful narratives created by others, or even no narrative at all?

And narrative is so much. Narrative is everything. Narrative is the story we tell ourselves and each other and that literally shapes our reality. So those story beats where we discover something better than what came before are inherently stories with loss and will require mourning, because we mourn loss.

Even when the story has a happy ending. Especially when the story has a happy ending for someone who never thought they would be allowed to have one.

I mean just like, FUCKING HELL. I can't blame anyone for this but myself. I know my therapist. I know how insightful he can be. I did this to myself and now I have to live with it. But my god is it a massive mountain I'm about to have to climb now. My therapist and I have always found it helpful to discuss media that makes me Feel Things (see all the trauma work that came from Life is Strange) but if you had told me that I'd be looking into this new dark cave of unprocessed shit thanks to what I thought was just gonna be a harmless little gay pirate show starring fucking Murray from Flight of the Concords I would probably just have assumed you were in the middle of having a stroke and taken off to get you the medical attention you desperately needed.

#not to be dramatic #but I definitely worry this might still be dramatic #my therapist is great #but the problem with a good therapist #is that sometimes they will fucking read you #and then you get whiplash #don't be afraid to bring up media that speaks to you in therapy #you never know what might come of it #or how much it might shake you #I should also be clear that all this grief in a story with a happy ending isn't a bad thing #it just kind of is #and when you enjoy it #just enjoy it #every moment of joy is a gift #no matter the context #go ahead and grieve yourself #also I couldn't find an elegant way to fit this in #but the storytelling is very neurodivergent #or at least unfolds in a way that is friendly to my neurodivergence #that's why I'm not a big TV watcher anyway #but I was able to sit down and mainline this #it's the first new show I've watched in literal years #ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd meta #our flag means death meta #🤯🤯🤯 #😳😳😳 #disenfranchised loss

[jessicas-pi]

So This Was A Little More Angsty Than I Recalled...

We’re probably both going to be bruised black and blue by the time this is over, Ezra thinks, blocking a hard swing and throwing it right back. The sun was setting when they started, and it’s nearly dark now.

Sabine’s eyes glow too gold for comfort in the dusky night. Just like he has every day for the last month, he bites his tongue and holds back his questions.

Hera and Zeb won’t tell him about whatever happened to Sabine on Malachor, Kanan and Okadiah are as lost as Ezra is, and if Ahsoka knows anything, she’s not telling. When Ezra brought it up to Mom and Dad, they just told him to be there for Sabine.

He’s been trying.

Sabine has not been cooperating.

So after a month of being there with no success, Ezra gave up and decided that it was time for some non-optional friendship bonding time, but even his best efforts at finding a so-bad-it’s-good holofilm like they used to watch together, even after making some really good movie snacks, all for her, she sulked and complained the whole time, being so—so—infuriating that before he knew it, they were yelling in each others’ faces about tropes.

Ezra stopped yelling, stopped the film, took her by the arm, dragged her outside into the Atollon landscape, and said that they were going to beat the crap out of each other.

(For Mandalorians, sparring is training, recreation, and even courtship. He figured… maybe it would work as therapy, too?)

He doesn’t feel bad about throwing the first punch, because she hit back twice as hard. Ezra thinks his lip is split from a hard hit to the front of his helmet, and Sabine’s knuckles are scraped raw and bloody. They circle each other, slower now than when they started. Her hair has blown out of her braid and sticks to her face in the heat.

It’s a little bit pretty, but now definitely isn’t the right time to think about that.

Sabine rolls one shoulder—he thinks it’s where he landed a decent punch.

“Had enough, tin can?” she demands, but the tension has started to drain from her body and she sounds a little closer to playful than he thought she could ever be again.

“Not if you’ve still got that attitude, wizard girl.”

“You’re gonna regret that,” Sabine warns. She settles into a stance, rocking a little, coiled like a spring.

“Probably,” Ezra agrees.

She draws a breath, and Ezra must have blinked or something, because in the space of an instant, she’s flown at him. He can barely see her in the dark and even the night vision in his helmet doesn’t help.

But he has a split second of advantage. In pure chance, she overextends, and he slams into her, sending them both tumbling through the Atollon dust.

She’s up on her feet again right away—or at least she would be, but Ezra snags her wrist, and drags her back down, flipping over so she’s neatly pinned beneath him.

All he needs is a knife to hold to her throat and it would be a near-perfect replica of the scene in the holofilm that started their stupid fight in the first place.

Sabine doesn’t say anything. She just lies on her back in the dust, looking up at him with the eyes that always seemed to see through his mask, but now they don’t look like they’re seeing anything. He hopes she’s processing her emotions and not disassociating.

Ezra is about to move off of her when something catches his eye, and he brushes some of her hair away from her face. It clings—not with sweat, but with blood. There’s a cut on her cheek.

“Did I hurt you?” he breathes, not sure what he’s even saying, and he draws away.

Flying up, her hand seizes his wrist, gripping painfully tight, even as her sharpening gaze fixes right where his eyes would be.

Ezra swallows dryly. The look she gives him is making him feel a thousand things that he doesn’t really want to sort out, now or ever.

“Sabine?” he asks. “What…”

He trails off. Her thumb slides to the little space between his glove and his sleeve, pulling the cloth back. Never looking away from his face, she pulls his arm up and softly kisses the pulse of his wrist.

“You’re dangerous, Ezra,” she smiles, breath on his skin.

Then, like the Spectre she is, Sabine is gone.

#ezra and sabine: this is a perfectly normal way to handle our traumas and requited but unacknowledged feelings for each other! #yeah so Sabine still has trauma but it's DIFFERENT trauma so she's slightly better at admitting she has feelings #ezra on the other hand... #'don't be ridiculous i have no feelings whatsoever for sabine. sure i would die for her. that doesn't mean anything.' #(he's secretly afraid that his adoptive buire are still alive and will be not-mad-just-disappointed that he's crushing on a jedi) #but sabine isn't entirely emotionally healthy either and due to her Specific Trauma she tends to swing back and forth #between shutting down/completely ignoring him and basically saying to his face #that the only reason she hasn't pinned him to the wall ripped his helmet off and kissed him senseless is that she respects his creed #which; as you can imagine; is a little confusing for ezra! but it's okay he doesn't need answers this is fine he hAS NO FEELINGS #and okadiah (the only Emotionally Competent person on the Ghost) is watching them like #'i'm no therapist but if i may offer some advice—' #FUN FACT I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHO TO SWAP ZEB WITH #so he's a jedi and Fulcrum! and Ahsoka was a royal guard to the queen of Shili! #and chopper died instead of okadiah BUT he's a droid so they installed his memory in the Ghost and now he lives in the ceiling #until they can find him a new droid body #twin blades and beskar au #lifeswap au #sabezra

[yelenadelova]

started playing spiritfarer as someone with a truly major level of death anxiety…hoping this is therapeutic for me

#spiritfarer #gaming #el rambles #i have wanted to play it for so long #but i have been so afraid bc of the concept #but i think it will be good for me to face my fear of death in a cozy way #i am prepared to cry #i truly told my therapist abt playinh it tho #i am a baby #el plays spiritfarer

[your-subby-creature]

My brain is so silly turns out my "abandonment issues" were straight-up PTSD so oops I guess. Self knowledge is a bitch like that

#Creature rambles #told my therapist some things that have been happening and he was like bro have you read the diagnostic criteria for ptsd #bc you should #and i was like o no #my brain works so silly bc its very threat sensitive so something happens and brain goes SCARY NERVOUS WERE AFRAID OF THAT FOREVER #without asking me for input #stay silly ig