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tardytothepardy · 3 years

Text

Fruits Basket - Vol 21

"What do you have there?"

"A knife!"

"NO-"

That's probably all I can say about this one lmao

Kyo's still thinking back to when he met Kyoko, and how he felt about her as a kid. It was strange to him, in a way, but very welcoming, because unlike the majority of people around him, she treated him like a spunky kiddo(that's what she called him because he never told her his name) who seemed to have a hard life, but still seemed nice. In other words, Kyoko treated him kindly, something that Kyo had only experienced with Kazuma, which is extremely heartbreaking, oh my god.

But that only made what happened later hurt that much more, when she died. He heard her say that she won't forgive him, and those words have stuck with him to this day. After Kyoko's death, Kazuma took Kyo to the mountains, "to train". There wasn't much training, honestly, because Kyo was thrown into the depths of just,, self-hatred, mourning, regret, all of it. The only way he could get out of it was to place blame elsewhere, and that elsewhere was Yuki. It was easy, to be expected, almost encouraged in a way. It's not even that Yuki did anything in particular (I doubt they were even around each other enough for Yuki to actually do anything to Kyo), it's just that it was easier. And that helped Kyo enough that Kazuma let him return back home, which is around the time that Tohru showed up at Shigure's house, and the start of the series. When Kyo first saw Tohru, he couldn't believe it. He just wasn't allowed to forget what had happened, was he? It was interesting, in a way, to finally meet the girl that Kyoko was always talking about, to finally hear her voice rather than a picture, anecdotes, and a lonesome dinner. But it also hurt. In the end, he says he won't forgive himself, and he doesn't expect Tohru to forgive him either, for holding all of this back.

Tohru doesn't like that though, only having those two options: to forgive or not. It's really not that simple. She doubts that her mom meant that, "I won't forgive you", because she wasn't that kind of person, and even if she did mean it, Tohru's going against it, because her love for Kyo overpowers her love for her mom. She screams at him that she loves him, regardless of all of that. It doesn't matter dude! He can't believe it though, and he runs off, with Yuki, who overheard a portion of all of this, chasing after Kyo, with the spirit of "jfc you fucking moron get back here".

Oh remember Akito? And how she was thinking about Tohru? And how she has a knife? Well, she just entered the chat. 🔪🔪

She enters the chat by vaguely saying that the curse is breaking, to Tohru, who at the moment is partially occupied with thinking how fucking miserable Kyo looked before he ran off, but now Akito's here. (That sounds bad, like a "now Tohru has to deal with Akito 🙄" thing, that's not really what I mean. Tohru's just going through a few things at the moment) She asks Tohru if she's happy now, now that Akito has became the outsider, the loner, the bad guy, after waltzing into her life (and the lives of the Sohmas) and completely disrupting it, without a speck of dirt on her hands. Tohru's putting two and two together and steps toward Akito, asking if she was there the whole time (at this point Tohru did not know Akito had a knife), and oh jeez Akito just slashed at Tohru. Despite Akito yelling at Tohru to stay back, Tohru starts thinking of things through Akito's lens, how this whole time, Akito must have been so lonely. She was marveled for being God, but because of that (and her lashing out but hush), no one ever wanted to be around her. She was told that she was above everyone else, and she treated them as such, and they did the same back to her.

Tohru mentioned how Akito always spoke of permanence, because it was the only thing that Akito ever had to hold onto. Akito lashes out at that (i don't think she cut Tohru, but Tohru does end up having two cuts, so i think this was the second, both times they were just on her arms), saying that Tohru doesn't know what she's talking about, she won't fall for Tohru's crap! She can't be won over by nice little words like everyone else (are you sure about that dude). Tohru doesn't really deny it, she agrees that she is dirty, and bad. She wished for her own permanence, to forever be with her mom, but that didn't and couldn't happen. She says that realizing this is very lonely, realizing that you can't make anything stay, you can't grab onto it with all your might and beg for it to stay, it will move on in its own time. This ends up further upsetting Akito, thinking back to Akira and what he said to her as a child. She screams that she doesn't want to be left behind, alone in this huge world of strangers who don't know or care about about, or need her. She's terrified, and she says there's no saying that someone could ever love her, she'll be all alone when the curse breaks. Tohru then offers to be her friend. (Honestly this scene is kinda heartbreaking for me, seeing Tohru all scuffed up with tears in her eyes, offering to be Akito's friend. This girl does so fucking much all the time, regardless of the fact that she just heard that the boy she loves was involved in some way to her mother's death, her personal crisis of Kyo becoming more important to her than Kyoko, and now she's cut up and bloody, probably soaked through by the rain, trying to console a thoroughly upset Akito, like,, jfc Tohru)

Akito smacks Tohru's outstretched hand, saying she's mocking her, that when Akito starts to get upset, she'll get irritated, when Akito complains, she'll get mad, she'll hate Akito, she'll abandon her, but Tohru just puts out a hand, offering to be Akito's friend regardless. And once Akito realizes that Tohru would totally be there for her if she needed Tohru, Tohru literally falls off a cliff. Kinda. Do you remember back in the beginning of the series when Shigure mentioned that the ground is kinda unstable, and that's why there was a landslide? This is the same kind of thing, the ground crumbled underneath Tohru, and she fell. The first time I read that scene, I wasn't entirely sure if it was a metaphorical thing or not. It was not.

After Tohru fell, Akito just started screaming (fair enough, honestly), screaming for someone to come help, anyone! Shigure and Yuki come (and off in the undisclosed distance, Kyo also hears the cries), and Shigure actually asks Akito if she pushed Tohru off. Akito manages to explain what happens, and Yuki calls an ambulance. Shigure takes Akito back to the house, and a little bit later Kyo comes back to the house, and overhears Shigure explaining things to Hatori over the phone, and fuckin bolts over to where Tohru is. She's unconscious, scuffed, with cuts and blood on her, and holy shit, remember that one dream Kyo had a while back? Yeah, well, this looks wayyy too close for comfort to that dream, and Kyo's pretty freaked out. Distantly, Tohru can hear him crying, and she's just like, "Don't cry, it'll be okay, there's no reason to cry." She thought about how she worried that her love for Kyo ended up hurting him, and she was sorry for that, but she couldn't help it. It's revealed that Tohru fell in love with Kyo around the time of the Dark Form/True Form thing was going down, I think when Kazuma first showed up. She wishes for Kyo to be able to live a full life, even if it's hard, even if they aren't together. (Very emotional stuff, really.)

The next day, Yuki sees Tohru's grandfather at the hospital (who is visiting Tohru as well), and he asks about "that orange-headed boy", and Yuki says he was just an idiot that has bad timing, and he made Tohru cry. He can make her happy better than anyone, and he did that. He stopped himself short, but Tohru's grandfather was like, "About that," and presumably told Yuki to fucking brawl with Kyo, because that's exactly what he did after hearing from Haru that Kyo didn't try to see to Tohru. Before the fists went flying, Yuki asked Kyo about it, and Kyo said it was for the better, that all he'd do was hurt Tohru further. He couldn't protect Tohru when she needed it, he didn't want to do further harm.

Now the scene has shifted to the hospital, with two people being stuck in bed: Tohru and Kureno. Kyo tries to see Tohru, to apologize, to talk, something, but Hanajima and Uotani are not having it. Hanajima points out that apologizing wouldn't even mean anything, because Tohru doesn't blame Kyo for anything that happened. Hanajima says that there's other things that Kyo needs to do before he can see Tohru. Certain Things, and honestly I'm not sure if she was just bullshitting and using her ominousness to her advantage or if she actually knew something, but Kyo agreed (internally, anyway): there was something he had to do before seeing Tohru again.

Yuki might as well have said that was complete and utter bullshit, who does Kyo fuckin think he is? A goddamn superhero, able to fly in the second Tohru's in trouble? Doesn't he see the way Tohru acts around him? The way she smiles whenever he's near? Kyo's shocked by that, but he doesn't like the way Yuki said it, so he asked why couldn't Yuki do it (this is actually out of order but shh), he's already so perfect and shit. Basically, he's finally saying that he has always envied Yuki, because it just seemed like he got everything that Kyo wanted, especially when they were kids. Through the flying kicks and punches, Yuki says the same thing, but in the end, he can only be himself, same thing for Kyo. Neither of them (or anyone else) can be anything other than themselves, and sometimes there are things that only one person can do. In this case, only Kyo can kinda,, make her happy, I guess. I think that was the implication, which is nice. Kyo then goes off to see Tohru at the hospital, but the visiting hours are over, but y'know it's the thought that counts, right?

(Meanwhile) (btw how many times do these kinda things wreck Shigure's house like can they not take these things outside or something)

On the part of Uotani and Hanajima (and really everyone else who is visiting Tohru at this time), there's another level to keeping Kyo out: it's that everyone kinda knows that Tohru might be a little messed up if she did see Kyo again so soon after that whole shpeal that happened before Akito showed up. Tohru had a bomb dropped on her, and then she helped Akito calm down, and then she fell off a cliff; she didn't have any time to process the things that Kyo told her, especially that last line of his, the whole, "I'm disillusioned" thing, which all the significance that I personally can find within it is that he said that he wouldn't be disillusioned when Tohru was telling him about her father, but there really seems to be a bigger thing here that I'm not getting, idk. Anyway, there's that whole mess as well. Besides from that, there also seems to be this idea, I guess, that once Tohru is around Kyo again, they won't really be apart, so this is kinda like the last few moments with just Tohru? Or something? Hanajima and Uotani were talking about how Kyo's gonna "steal Tohru away", and seeing as Tohru is their close friend, I suppose it makes sense, from a selfish perspective (but not in a bad way), that they would want to "have" Tohru as long as they could.

Meanwhile (y'know that 60s Batman scene transition thing? That's always what I imagine when I write that, with the music included. Imagine how annoying it'd be if I put in a gif of it every time), Akito is having a Struggle Moment. She's at the hospital, and holy fuck is she guilty about stabbing Kureno, which is nice she totally should be it'd be really concerning if she wasn't, and Momiji pops up and asks if Akito came to see Kureno or Tohru (oof that guilt it's now been doubled), and Akito bursts out with confusion: why doesn't Kureno blame her?! He could've (should've-- wait what) blamed her, gotten angry, something?? Momiji says that it's because Kureno and Tohru (because Akito also visits Tohru) are that kind of stupid: they just don't blame people for things, they're always allowing for forgiveness. So why question it, why not just accept that Kureno isn't angry at her, isn't blaming her, just accept the kindness.

Akito thinks back on when she visited Kureno, and he asked her if she was okay. She thinks that if she had said she wasn't, that Kureno would have gone back to her side, and stayed with her, despite what she had done to him. He would stay with her until she no longer needed him, because he just has that kind of unselfish kindness. This kindness, in retrospect, doesn't make Akito feel much better though, as she thinks (realizes?) that she's basically been killing him, this whole time (before the stabbing, of course). No apology could fix this, no matter what Kureno would say, Akito wouldn't ever stop feeling bad for what she had said and done, not to him but to the other Juunishi as well (I suppose the Sohma family as a whole, honestly). Momiji just says that Akito has to take care of Kureno from now on, and to make sure that she doesn't do something like this again. Then he tells Akito a story (i don't get to hear it and that makes me quite sad ngl) and later Akito visits Tohru. But that'll be talked about later. Now we're talking about

(60s Batman transition sound) Yuki! And the other people in the student council. Kakeru mentions how the school is abuzz with what happened to Tohru, and how rumor has it that Kyo's the one who got her in the hospital. (Yuki doesn't really deny that, btw) Unsurprisingly, it's not really something that he has talked about, seeing as it's not very casual conversation, and it is a bit of a downer, but he realizes that he's not too upset by it. (By that I mean the overall recent series of events, not solely Tohru's accident) I guess violence is the answer, sometimes.

Kimi then asks what Yuki's relationship with Tohru even is, and Kakeru, unfiltered as usual, just drops, "She's like his mom, in his mind" as if that wasn't something that Yuki was struggling with for a long time??? Whatever dude, but one day Yuki'll probably have his revenge. At any rate, there were a lot of shots to Machi doing her thing, so if it wasn't already clear from the story so far, Yuki likes Machi. If you hadn't picked that up, it's a whole thing.

Anyway, later on Yuki and Kakeru are looking for get-well gifts for Tohru, and Kakeru just straight up says, "If I don't know what to give to someone, I'll just choose something I like, so that if they don't like it, I can take it, and I'll like it," which, as it turns out, Machi does the same thing. (That comes later but it's the not most important thing so shh) After getting a gift, Kakeru says that he's going to visit Tohru, but he insists on doing it alone, and so Yuki wanders off, walking down the street (he's makin his way downtown, walkin fast, faces pass), and he thinks about how, when he was in big crowds, he used to wonder, if he disappeared, would anyone really notice? Now though, that's not really a worry. He knows that there is at least one person who would notice, who would be worried if he disappeared. And holy shmow, he just found the perfect gift for her! He calls up Machi, and they meet up at a train station, I think, I'm pretty sure it's a train station idk I've never been in one, and it turns out that she got a gift for him as well. (It's fertilizer, remember back to that scene, with the,, yeah. Ok.)

The gift is a big Mogeta doll (probably like a stuffed animal), like the one that Ayame had in his shop, except he had the gall to write on it? Machi said that it was a limited exclusive item, but Yuki managed to find it (for a fair price too, apparently), and she really likes it. She says she'd like to thank Tohru for what she's done to help Yuki become who he is presently, that she's really glad that she was able to meet Yuki, because without him, she definitely wouldn't be the person she is today. It was some super soft stuff, there were plenty of "aw"s when I read that whole interaction. They're so fucking cute, it's great.

Anyway, other than Kakeru asking Hatori what he ate to look that handsome (which is something I still can't get over), there wasn't much else to the book, so I'll finally end this (I took several days in between writing this it's inexcusable). Yay ✨✨

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lannister-slings-and-arrows · 4 years

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Hey you! Ok how about Pedro’s characters and the first time they wink at you. ILY and thank you 🙈

Hey babes! I simultaneously love and hate you for this ask because jfc winking irl is so fucking skeezy but, as with a lot of things I previously thought I despised, when Pedro does it I get a little weak in the knees lol. So now I have an excuse to comb through every gif of him winking. You know. For research. For SCIENCE. (Under the cut, cause fucking HELL. This got loooooong.)

(Gif made by @djjarindin )

Whiskey- On your very first day as a Statesman you make the dubious acquaintance of Agent Jack “Whiskey” Daniels. You’re standing at the window of your new office, flipping one of your knives in the air idly, when a handsome man in tight blue jeans and a black Stetson saunters in without so much as a by your leave. His grin is lazy, charming, and you acknowledge, in the deepest recesses of your hind brain, incredibly enticing.

“Well howdy there, darling,” he greets, thumbs hooked in the front of his belt, drawing your gaze to- is that a flask on his belt buckle? His mustache twitches up on one side as he notices that your eyes landed exactly where he had intended.

“Now what’s a pretty little thing like you doing playing with those pig stickers? You could hurt yourself with knives like that.” He steps closer to you, one hand leaving his belt to brace against the window next to your head so he can lean further into your space.

“Probably the same thing you’re doing playing with those pistols you’ve got under your jacket or that lasso at your hip,” you reply coolly, not backing away from his intrusion into your space. His raises his and he huffs a laugh through his nose.

“Well touché, kitten.” He bends a little at his knees to catch your eyes better and suggests softly in a voice that 90% of you demands you to listen to, “How’s about you and I get outta here and I can give you a tour of the place? Maybe, show you the ropes?” And he then winks at you.

That last 10% of your willpower has something to say to his blatant attempt at getting into your pants.

You slap him.

Javier Peña- You had been warned by more than one person that feminism hadn’t really made its way to Columbia yet when you accepted the portion to field agent and transferred down to the DEA office in Bogota. It was 1990 however, and you kind of expected the Americans you worked with to at least be a little more on board with the times.

That was on you, men were men it seemed, American or Columbian.

The tall blond who introduced himself as Murphy seemed nice enough, he was friendly and a little distracted, and he sounded almost apologetic as he led you further into the office to meet the other member of your team.

“Well hello there, sugar,” a man a couple of inches shorter than Steve greeted you from where he had been leaning on a desk by the door. He stood up straight and sauntered- there was really no other word for how pants that tight made a man walk- closer to the two of you, a wide smile stretched his mustache over his handsome face and showed off the dimples in his cheeks.

Oh lord. One of those men.

“Javi this is-“ Murphy started, clearly trying to diffuse a potential situation but the man interrupted him, and his hand reached for yours, holding it a little longer than necessary.

“A girl too pretty for your married ass to be talking to, Steve.” He still had your hand in between his two large warm ones and you filed that information away for use at a later, much more solitary time. He had the audacity to wink at you and you sighed and rolled your eyes. Ah well.

“I’m your new partner.” Guess feminism still has some strides to make no matter what the nationality of idiot male.

Ezra- You had been stuck on this interminably brown moon for a week and you were going stir crazy. You and your still new partner had landed in a manner that was less than gentle or correct on this nameless rock, and not only was your landing gear bent at an angle a university mathematician would have trouble describing, Ezra couldn’t get the damn thing to start again.

You weren’t any sort of mechanic by nature, that was one of the things he brought to the table, so until Ezra managed to repair whatever was wrong with this hunk of junk the two of you were still paying off, you were stuck sitting on your hands doing nothing. You had no particular desire to go traipsing around this rock by yourself, protection was one of the other things the man added to your partnership, as you had learned early in your mining career that that generally did not end well for people like you.

So there you sat, bored, listening to the click and clank of Ezra’s tools as he did whatever it was that you needed to do to get an impulse engine working enough to take off and dock to an FTL vessel. And listening to Ezra’s constant talking.

He was currently telling you a rather long winded, even for him and that was saying something, story about how an old partner of his woke up every morning and sanitized the floor of their pod with antibac spray before he would let any of the other four men set foot on it.

“The gentleman in question was a rather odd duck, badger,” he called out to you from half way inside the pod. “Why, in all my years and in all my travels in the black, I must avow never having seen someone so resolved on keeping the extremities of his associates so unsullied. I never cognized if his time running the stars had finally fractured his wits and this was the inevitable concomitant of a life lived as we do, or if it was a tic peculiar to him for all of his life. Still and all, one advantage I did discover at the conclusion of that particular venture: the bottoms of my socks never have been cleaner.”

An unexpectedly loud guffaw punched its way out of your mouth and you dropped the flat rock you had been attempting to balance on a piece of the aforementioned broken landing equipment. Unfortunately, Ezra decided at that exact time to shimmy his way out from under your craft and instead of falling harmlessly back to the ground where you had found it, it bounced off of his rather distracting ass on its way down.

He stopped moving and you were about to apologize, you really hadn’t meant to basically throw a rock at him, no matter how much he annoyed you at times, when you heard his voice float up to you again, a little amused, and a little something else that you had had occasion to notice a few times before but had never thought to classify.

“Badger, did you just take your hand to my ass?” You felt your face flush and wondered if this planet’s atmosphere wasn’t as hospitable to humans as you had thought.

“What?!” You squeaked, voice cracking when it hit a pitch normally very much out of your range.”No! I just dropped a rock!” You heard him chuckle from your feet and refused to look at him as he shuffled all the way out from under to pod and stood to his full height in front of you. He chucked you under the chin and finally you looked up into his eyes.

“Because darling, I strongly advocate any physical contact that you might desire to have with any part of my body you so wish, at any time of your choosing,” he told you with a wink.

Catfish- You had moved to Texas to take up residence on the ranch your grandfather had left you, not out of any real desire to take up the cowboy life. You hated how hot it was, you hated how slowly everyone talked, you hated how big the entire goddamned state was, and if one more goddamned truck managed to take up three goddamned parking spaces at the grocery store one more time you were going to throw a temper tantrum that would make all their southern asses wish they had managed to secede.

That was how you had met Catfish (”No that isn’t my real name; no one but my mama calls me Francisco”). He had been the next asshole in a truck to take up more than what your space conscious Yankee ass had deemed his due.

“Listen ma’am-”

“Don’t you “ma’am” me, how old are you implying I look?!”

“Sorry, miss, if you’re gonna holler at me, could we step a little further away from the truck? I just got that baby to sleep, and if she wakes up starts cryin’ again, I think I’m gonna start too.”

After a meet cute like that, it was inevitable that the two of you would hit it off as well as you did, and so a year later saw you still in a state that you were convinced was trying to kill you (hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, Republicans, and rattlesnakes???), stretched out on Catfish’s beat up couch, more than a little drunk, and a lot happier than when you had left New York to come here.

Catfish set both new bottles of beer down on the coffee table in front of you and smiled down at you with that big grin that summoned both the dimples in his cheeks and made you feel like your heart was growing four sizes larger inside your chest. He took off his ever present beat up baseball cap and tossed it on your lap. His hair was simultaneously flattened and a mess and you were sure he couldn’t look more handsome in this moment if he had an army of Hollywood stylists attack him.

He reached down to he hem of his grey Henley and started to pull it up.

“Whoa there cowboy!” You exclaimed with a grin, sitting up and plopping his hat onto your head for safe keeping. “I didn’t realize I was getting a show when I came over here!” He stopped with his shirt half way off his torso and looked down at you with an eyebrow cocked.

“It’s hot as goddamned balls in here, baby, and I’m wearin’ two of these things. One of ‘em at least is comin’ off.” He pulled it off the rest of the way and straightened his first layer that had attempted to escape with its compatriot before reaching down and grabbing his hat off of your head and flopping onto the couch next to you.

“Hey Fish, how long do you think we have before the baby wakes up?” He shrugged, his head rolling on the back of the couch o face you.

“I dunno, darlin’, why do you ask?” You bit your lip and smiled up at him, playing with the fingers of the hand he had settled on your thigh.

“Oh, well, you know how watching you nearly get stuck in your shirts really does it for me.” He groaned and slapped your leg lightly as you laughed.

“I think we’ve got time for whatever you want baby. Helicopter pilots can go straight up pretty fast you know.” He told you with a wink that you were sure was supposed to be alluring.

Oberyn Martell- The first thing you consciously noticed about Dorne was that it was hot. This was a kind of inescapable heat that permeated your entire body and made you feel like you were cooking from the inside out. You had never before given much thought to what it would feel like to be put into an oven and roasted alive, but without a doubt this is was that feeling. When you went back home to White Harbor you weren’t ever going to complain about the cold ever again.

The second thing you noticed when you put into port in Sunspear- a city quite a bit smaller than most of the cities of the upper six kingdoms the Manderlys sent your father to trade with- was that no one seemed to be wearing a lot of clothes. Which you supposed made sense because you were positively dying in yours.

You quickly changed into a pair of your brother’s breeches and a loose shirt before practically running off the ship and into the dusty warrens of the Shadow City below the walls of the Martell’s castle, eager to stretch your legs after weeks at sea and eat something other than hard tac and salted meat and fish. You figured you had at least a few hours before you would be expected to accompany your father to the castle to haggle about prices for wood and iron and silks and citrus.

The air only got hotter the further from the sea breeze you walked, and as you meandered the twisting and winding bazaars all you could smell were foreign spices and perfumes. Your head was on a swivel trying to take in the sights and sounds of a market radically different from any you had seen before when you walked into a silk covered shoulder. The shoulder belonged to a man nearly a foot taller than you and you wouldn’t have stood a chance at remaining on your feet if two strong arms hadn’t shot out and wrapped around your waist, dragging you back from your rather embarrassing descent to the dusty street and into a warm solid chest.

“I normally have to put in at least some effort in order to sweep someone off their feet, it must be my lucky day that you seem to have decided to do all the hard work for me,” an amused, accented voice said from above you. You felt every word from where your ear was plastered to the bare skin of his chest, his yellow and orange robes belted loosely enough to leave most of his golden skin exposed. You felt your face flush as you shuffled your feet, trying to get them back under you in a way that would allow you to stand and not fall on your face. The man set you back from him gently and you finally looked up

Your savior was beautiful. There wasn’t any other word to describe a face with deep set, smiling eyes that were so deep a brown you really had to look to distinguish his pupils. His nose was curved and prominent, his jaw covered with the same black hair that was cropped closer to his head than you were used to seeing in the North. And his lips were too pretty for a man. They spread into a smile as his eyes met yours, dimples appearing in his cheeks and you were smiling back before you realized it.

“Now,” he said, eyes still laughing. “You are either the worst pick pocket I’ve ever encountered or clearly too taken with the sights around you to be trusted to walk unescorted.” You hoped he never stopped speaking. His voice was deep and rich and at the same time soft and musical and no one in the woods and wilds where you had grown up spoke like he did.

“Uh, yes,” you stuttered and felt your ears burn as he smiled wider, eyebrows in danger of disappearing into his hair. “I mean, no, I’m not a pick pocket! I just, sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going, my apologies.” You stuttered stepping further back from him, hoping maybe some more distance would restore your ability to not make an ass out of yourself in front of this handsome stranger. “Thanks for you know,” you featured vaguely at the ground.

“Oh, you’re very welcome for ‘you know’,” the man replied, somehow injecting a completely different meaning to your innocuous words than you had intended. Your face could have been used to light a campfire by now. You needed to get back and get changed before you did something truly stupid.

“Okay, well, um, sorry, again, for walking into you,” you said, backing away. “But uh, I’ve got to, uh, go...” You sort of waved and took off back the way you came, taking care not to run into any more handsome strangers.

You made it back to the ship in time for your father to lecture you about how dangerous it was to just run off in a “city full of wild Dornishmen! Don’t think that because you’re dressed like a man you’d be safe! That ‘sort of thing’ is common here, daughter!” while you dressed in clothes more suitable to both your station and a meeting with the ruling house of the kingdom.

It was somehow cooler within the sandstone walls of the castle, and you amused yourself on the walk up to the raised dais by listening to the different sounds your company’s boots made on the marble floor.

There was a woman sitting on a carved wooden seat and a tall dark haired man standing behind her, leaning indolently against her chair at the top of the steps you and your father stopped at. You listened to your father make the appropriate greetings, hoping that they could come to favorable terms of trade for items and goods they all wanted. And you felt someone staring at you. You looked up at the young woman in the chair as your father introduced you and you smiled and curtsied less gracefully than your mother would have liked. Your father turned his face to the man behind the chair and began to repeat the introduction when a familiar laughing voice interurrupted,

“Oh, I believe we’ve met already, haven’t we, little pick pocket?” Your eyes snapped up from the marble floor to lock onto those dancing brown eyes from earlier this morning. You felt your jaw drop and your face turn what you were sure was a very unattractive shade of crimson as Oberyn Martell, Prince of Dorne grinned and winked at you.

Din- You had been flying with the Mandalorian and his tiny green baby for about a month when you decided that hyperspace was boring and if you wanted any amusement you would have to take a page out of the little man’s book and make your own fun. You knew that stealing pieces of the ship and hiding them would not be as cute as when the baby did it, so that was out. You weren’t a tall person, but you were still bigger than the green terror so playing hide and seek was pretty close to useless. You were grasping at straws until suddenly it hit you like one of the utensils that the tiny monster liked to levitate around the cabin.

You were going to get Mando to laugh.

You had absolutely no idea how you were going to accomplish this, or even any idea at all what a near silent warrior monk that you were still not a hundred percent convinced wasn’t a droid would find funny, so you decided to just do what you did best; you opened your mouth and let the word vomit out.

You didn’t shut up. If you were awake and not actively hunting someone, you were talking. The baby seemed to enjoy the new amount of noise and animation, but thus far you had only gotten a few sighs and what you thought were exasperated glares from your adult companion. At least, you figured they were glares. His helmet turned to face you and frankly, you were beginning to even get on your own nerves, so he was almost definitely glaring at you under that beskar.

This went on for four days straight until one day the three of you were sitting in the cockpit, watching the stars zip by, and you decided to narrate yourself drinking a glass of water. You had just gotten to the swallowing part and were attempting to put into words what that felt like when he turned around to face you.

“If one more word comes out of your mouth I will cut into into small enough pieces that the baby won’t notice it’s a human that he is eating for dinner tonight.”

You choked. And you definitely spat water all over the visor of his helmet.

You coughed and stared at him, terrified, not sure if these were going to be your last few seconds as a breathing creature, but sure that if they were you at least had the image of the Mandalorian with water and spit sliding down the front of his helmet to console you.

All three of you sat in silence for at least a minute before he leaned forward very slowly. You leaned as far back as your seat would allow.

“That was a joke,” he told you, voice warm despite the crackle of his modulator. “You can’t see it, but I just winked.”

Screw making him mad. You were going to kill the Mandalorian.

Tovar- This was officially one of the worst ways that you could think of to die. You sure that if you were given a few more minutes, and a few less spears pointed in your face to distract you, you could surely come up with at least five different ways that were, in fact, worse, but right now, this seemed pretty awful and didn’t seem likely to get any better.

“I need you to trust me,” your companion murmured in your ear, his hand on your wrist, stopping you from drawing one of your long knives. You cut your eyes quickly to his normally laughing brown eyes and then back to the soldiers in front of you.

“That never works out well for me, Tovar,” you remind him in a quiet hiss. He moves his arm from his side to around your shoulders and draws you close and tight against his much taller body.

“Good day, gentlemen!” He calls jovially to the five armored men blocking their way on the road. You can hear the wide grin that must be plastered on his stupidly handsome face and you send up a fast prayer to God that he doesn’t manage to get you into worse trouble than you were in already. Or that at least William can manage to get you out of it again.

“Halt,” the spear man in the middle orders, and Tovar stops walking, forcing you to as well, still tucked into his side. His left hand strokes your arm casually (you note its not his preferred sword hand which gives you some hope that he might actually have a plan), and he leans a bit more of his weight on you than you think is really called for. Is he pretending-

“Why whatever are you fine men doing in the middle of the road? Don’t you know there’s a war on! Shouldn’t you be off fighting that fierce some mercenary army?” You want to stab him. His entire left side is open and unguarded mere inches away from your favorite knife, you could slide the blade in right there between his ribs, you could have the pleasure of puncturing his lung and watching him slowly suffocate. Maybe he would finally stop talking.

“No one is allowed past this point,” the spear man informed you, still glaring. “Who are you and what is your business here?” The other four soldiers inched closer and you stiffen.

“Don’t,” Tovar ordered you through his clenched teeth, smile still in place. “I can get us out of this, I just need you to play along.”

“If we get out of this I am going to personally castrate you,” you inform him, a clenched tooth smile of your own on your face.

“Anything to get your hands on my cock, eh?” You elbowed him in that unprotected side you had been eyeing before he tried to bargain with the guardians of the road.

“Oh but surely sir, you wouldn’t hinder a poor man trying to get home to his farm?”The soldier looked extremely skeptical.

“If you’re a farmer, I’m the King of England.” Tovar shrugged.

“Alright, so I’m not a farmer. This rather attractive filly is, however, only paid for for another hour, and I had meant to have my way with her at least twice before my time was up. Surely you can understand my need to make all haste now?”

Nope, not castration. Castration and then you were going to make him watch as you fed his balls to goats.

“Don’t bite me please,” was all the warning you received before Tovar looked down at you, winked, and kissed you, lips surprisingly soft, and incredibly distracting. Maybe the castration could wait for a few hours.

Max Phillips- When the higher ups bring in a handsome new manager to boost sales and productivity you aren’t entirely surprised that every employee gets called one by one into his office for a “chat”. He’s new, it tracks that he’d want to get to know everybody.

You are both anticipating and dreading your own 2:30 appointment with the new boss man, you’re positive that out of all your coworkers your performance has been the most consistently decent since you were hired two years ago, but who knows. This was a new unknown element. His goal might be to shake things up to keep people on their toes.

You hear a ‘come in’ after you knock firmly on his closed door three minutes earlier than your scheduled time, and you find him working at his computer, jacket off, a pout on his lips that were frankly too pretty to be on such a distinctively masculine face, and his shirt sleeves artfully rolled up.

He doesn’t glance at you as he waves at a chair in front of his desk. You sit as instructed, and try as you might, are unable to help staring at him as he finishes whatever it is that requires such attention. You take in the tiny tattoo on his left hand with a little surprise. And you try very hard to ignore the shift and play of the muscles of his forearms under his lightly tanned skin. This is your new boss get a grip, you scold yourself, tearing your gaze away to rest on the shelves behind his head.

He sits back with a sigh and his palms hit his desk.

“I am sorry about that. I honestly hate computers, they’re just so impersonal, don’t you think?” He asks with a winning smile, eyes and attention totally on you now. You return his grin with a small, polite twitch of your own lips and raise your eyebrows questioningly at him.

“Anyways, I just wanted to get to know everybody here, you know? Know the real person behind your employee file! Find out what makes you tick, what gets you excited!” You’re only half paying attention to his spiel, but he garners your full and complete concentration when as he utters the word “excited” and he grins salaciously and winks at you.

You’re a little taken aback. You know you should call HR. At the very least that was thoughtless and at the worst, utterly inappropriate.

You are unfortunately intrigued. You know you won’t be calling anyone about this.

Maxwell Lord- You’d been working for Lord Enterprises for about a year before you were moved up to the top floor. You liked to think you were good at your job, you were a quick typist and resourceful, and you were excited about the bump in pay that accompanied your new position.

After a week of following one of the other girls around and learning the ins and out of the executive offices, you were turned loose and given your own duties and assignments. The very first of those were to take a pile of files from the desk of the most senior of the secretaries and make sure it ended up in the possession of Maxwell Lord himself. You hadn’t heard much about the the big boss one way or another, so you squared your shoulders and after knocking firmly, opened the door and entered his office.

Lord was seated behind a dark wood desk that you thought was probably a bit bigger than strictly necessary. He was in his shirt sleeves, waistcoat stretched over a bit of middle aged spread that he nonetheless wore well. His hair was thick, blond, and immaculately styled, and he was talking animatedly on the phone, gesturing with his free hand and you could see his body vibrating slightly as he bounced his leg up and down quickly.

He was a handsome man, and a lot younger than you had expected him to be. And when he looked up at you as you walked further into his office and smiled brightly at you his attractiveness only increased. His eyes were a deep, dark brown and they shone when two dimples appeared in his cheeks with his grin.

You held up the stack of folders in your hand and raised your eyebrows in a question. He gestured to the desk in front of him and you moved closer to set them gently down in front of the man. You observed him check you out from your hair down to you shoes as you walked closer and were a little surprised when no chauvinistic comment popped out of his mouth. This might have been the 80’s, but you were a secretary and knew that women’s rights only meant that you could earn your own paycheck now.

You nodded at him as you set them down and he mouthed ‘thank you’ as he continued to listen to the droning voice you could now hear over the telephone.

And then he winked at you.

Maybe this job would turn up some opportunities for you after all.

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prodigalsonfanblog · 4 years

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Thoughts on Prodigal Son 1.12

Again, I’m in the UK, so I’ll be posting several hours late after each episode

My entire brain throughout this episode was like “Malcolm Bright you GODDAMN IDIOT” even after the plot twist

Malcolm caused a blackout in the precinct? What, did he try to kill himself? Cuz if so, that’s a really bad sign of how he’s dealing after his kidnapping

Gil helping Malcolm with his tie, I love it! That’s such a Dad thing to do 😊

It seems that Malcolm zapping the precinct is “The Incident”

“Inadequately processed trauma” is understating it somewhat

Man JT is just not pulling his punches with his statement, is he

“... and I say that as a friend” lmao nice addition JT 😂 seems he actually does like Malcolm

“Well, scathed. Moderately scathed.” Jfc Malcolm, yeah that makes it better

And how can we forget this gem: “If Bright was an actual state, he’d be Florida” 😂😂 I’m not even American and I know what that means

Omg Malcom’s face when Ilsa told him to go to bed, I’m dying

And then Dani trying desperately not to laugh when Jessica walks up (as I expected her to, this could only be her handiwork)

Jessica greeted Dani by “Detective Powell”, have they met already and I just didn’t notice? They act like they know each other. Maybe they met off-screen

Seems like Malcolm hasn’t told anyone that Martin tried to kill him, even his mother, which is probably wise, because she’d kill Martin for that if it was the last thing she did

I saw Malcolm’s ears prick up at the word “homicide”, Dani should know better by now than to say that where he can hear it

God I just love Edrisa, she’s always a ray of sunshine

Why isn’t administrative leave MANDATORY after a kidnapping like that??

Jesus christ he’s signing himself up for the cult

“I��ve never seen a score this high” 😂

Malcolm let the crazy cult guy shock him! For fuck’s sake, Malcolm!!

Why is the psychiatrist getting so angry? I mean he is a professional psychiatrist, I get why he’d object to the ECT, but this an overreaction

... is he involved in this case somehow?

I’m glad we got more of an explanation of Malcolm’s inner thinking of how he’s processed catching his father as a killer, but dude, you were 10 years old. It’s not your fault you didn’t catch him sooner. This guy really needs a therapist for adults

Why is he using a payphone? Doesn’t Malcolm have a cell phone?

Malcolm seems less upset about the psychiatrist proclaiming him unfit to work for the NYPD than I thought

I KNEW IT! The psychiatrist is the deprogrammer!

Even after all that, Malcolm still hasn’t told anyone about how Martin tried to kill him, it seems

Wondering how Eve fits into all this

Loved that last shot with Sunshine the parakeet!

#prodigal son #prodigal son fox #prodigal son spoilers #prodigal son 1x12 #malcolm bright #gil arroyo #jessica whitly #dani powell #jt tarmel #edrisa tanaka #martin whitly #thoughts on prodigal son

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merinnan · 4 years

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DMBJ Ep 9

Episode 9 begins with the Xiaoge Rescue Count at 10 for Wu Xie, 14 for the protagonists, 15 for everyone

And the Wu Xie Swoon Count at 5

- I love the juxtaposition of the cityscape and modern buildings with the more traditional looking building here

- lol, Wu Xie has such low confidence in High Shao's ability to not get cheated XD

- *cackles* And Wu Xie is 100% correct

- High Shao can't haggle for shit, either

- LOL, even I can tell that that's not good jade. That green is far too uniform.

- Look, I still don't like or trust Chengcheng, but her polite "you are so full of shit" expression to the shopkeeper here is great

- Wu Xie stepping in with some very polite calling out

- And High Shao finally realising he got duped

- Hey, he likes it, that's the main thing. And now he's getting it for a far more reasonable price.

- Chengcheng is much better at haggling than High Shao

- But let's be honest, anyone is a better haggler than High Shao

- Oh, good, Pangzi actually has his business in this one

- And he's much less over-the-top in this setting than he was in the tomb

- His expression on realising that Wu Xie is there is just great

- Wu Xie in his natural environment, showing off his archaeology knowledge

- And subtly forcing Pangzi to buy the thing

- And now Pangzi realising just how much this is actually worth now Wu Xie's told him, and he's so pleased

- And Wu Xie is so smug about Pagnzi's reaction. As he should be

- High Shao and Chengcheng right on cue

- I have to say, Pangzi's habit of randomly saying things in English makes me giggle every time

- Pangzi: You want to meet with *who*

- Pangzi: There are *rules*

Pangzi:...

Pangzi: But since when do I care about rules?

- I like him much better since he got out of the tomb

- It's like Pangzi-in-the-tomb and Pangzi-outside-the-tomb are two different people

- Chengcheng like "look at me, I'm so pretty, Pay attention to me and flirt with me!"

The boys: "Yeah, you look okay"

Chengcheng: *surprised Pikachu face*

- She's right, though, the two boys scrubbed up nicely

- And...oh, Chengcheng. Wu Xie is the young master of a significant family, he doesn't just look like one.

- Though different kind of significant, I guess

- Pangzi has also scrubbed up nicely

- Hahahah, Pangzi couldn't think of a way in, and so High Shao just casually showing off that he's apparently a master forger or some shit

- Just made 4 ID cards over night

- He might be gullible as fuck at times, but he has some impressive other skills!

- They all work just fine, even though they're read by scanners. I'm curious if those are just generic, or if he somehow like hacked partway into their system to make sure the cards would work

- Hahah, Pangzi being Pangzi & being a little shit to the security guards is hilarious

- Aaah, it's an auction house. I wondered what kind of event they were at.

- XIAOGE!

- LOL, of course Wu Xie notices him right away

- Even on a different level, dressed in a suit, & walking the other direction

- And Xiaoge notices him, of course

- The suit is a good look on him

- Oooh, the guy from the shop realising he sold that thing for way less than it was worth, and that Wu Xie and Pangzi are friends

- Oops

- Catfight! Catfight! Come on!

- And now security knows the cards are all faked

- So Pangzi just namedropping Wu Xie's family

- Ooh, so apparently Granny Huo already knows that they're here and sent down an invitation

- Interesting

- Hahah, I love Pangzi being a little shit to this annoying guy

- And at how suddenly how respectful security/management is being to them now that the Huo family is involved

- This is a very pretty building

- Holy shit those menu prices

- That's one way to watch how much you eat, if it's so expensive!

- That smirk of Pangzi's at her reaction, like, he knew what the prices were going to be like. Which is why he turned down getting food for the first time in this show

- 1800 yuan + 10% tip just for tea. JFC.

- Beautiful double facepalm here at Chengcheng being a dumbass about the tea. No, Chengcheng, you can't take the goddamn tea home to make tea eggs with it.

- I'm guessing this Sun guy will be marginally important later

- And here is the invite to go upstairs

- Wu Xie is a very confused puppy at being invited upstairs by Granny Huo when Pangzi hadn't managed to contact her for him

- Also, side note, but the cheongsam the waitresses/attendants wear is super pretty

- The colour is really nice

- Oh, the invite was apparently for all of them

- Ah, yeah, thought she'd end up being the lady from the opening credits

- Hahah, that roast to his grandpa

- Oooh, it seems like she doesn't think much of his grandpa, either

- lolnope, the invitation wasn't for all of them XD

- I'm getting the feeling poor Wu Xie is going and upsetting a balance that everyone knows about except him

- And that they expected him to know about as well

- *facepalms more at Chengcheng and High Shao casually gossiping about Granny Huo in front of one of her guys*

- Pangzi is aware, though, and doing damage control for these two dumbasses

- Ooh, fancier car

- And pretty girl, whom I'm guessing is the Miss Huo referred to earlier

- Oh no, High Shao, honey, please don't embarrass yourself by giving that cheapass hairpin to a girl who belongs in this high class of a place

- I'm cringing already

- Pangzi's face. Pangzi, mate, I feel you

- They're both roasting him so bad over how shitty that hairpin is and how anyone who knows anything can tell

- "It implies that I have a pure, kind, and unsophisticated heart" No, baby, it implies that you're either a cheapskate or a gullible idiot

- lol, now Chengcheng's getting annoyed because they're talking about how pretty the Huo girl is in front of her

- *headdesk*

- Of course Pangzi's loudly talking shit about the Huo family when their guys come downstairs

- The secondhand embarrassment is strong in this episode

- Are you trying to pick a fight, Pangzi?

- HI XIAOGE

- Hanging back & listening in, as you do

- Oh, nice move, Pangzi, but could you have not thrown the guy into High Shao like that?

- Hahah, now they're just playing it all up

- Making such a fuss and blaming it on the Huo guys

- But Pangzi is really being super over the top. OMG.

- This is kinda hilarious

- I'm not sure whether to laugh, cringe, or both

- Xiaoge looking very pretty in his suit as he watches all these crazy shenanigans

- Back to Wu Xie and Granny

- She really didn't like his grandpa, & she's assuming Wu Xie is just like him

- Ofc she knows about the notebook

- Him saying he has the fish has certainly surprised her

- She's such a crochety old lady

- Wu Xie comes running in, & Xiaoge's attention immediately goes to him

- Ugh, I can't slow down the playback on Viki, so I can't tell who exactly tripped Wu Xie there. It looked like one of the Huo guys, but I can't be sure.

- Xiaoge looking a little concerned at Wu Xie falling like that, even with Pangzi catching him.

- Pangzi all ready to go, & Wu Xie trying to hold him back even with the provocation

- Wu Xie is such a good boy

- A new contender appears, who also is apparently someone important

- I just realised, is Xiaoge's suit the same as the suits the male hotel employees are wearing?

- Everyone seems to know who Wu Xie is, when he doesn't know who they are

- OH IT'S XIE YUCHEN

- The doctor dude in Chongqi who's friends with Heiye!

- 'That' Wu Xie? I'm really curious what that's supposed to mean

- Poor Wu Xie is so confused why they all know him when he doesn't have a clue who they are

- Yes, that's a good point to gag Pangzi, Wu Xie.

- If you're gonna talk shit about people, do it where they can't hear you

- Xie Yuchen inviting them to come back. Sure.

- And Xiaoge only leaves now that Wu Xie has

- I think I'm right about Xiaoge wearing the hotel uniform here

- lol, Granny isn't happy to see Wu Xie back already, is she?

- Ahahahah, and now little shit Wu Xie comes out

- Right on cue for the end of the episode

Sadly no update to either the Rescue Count or the Swoon Count this time

#alicia watches dmbj #dmbj #daomu biji #xiaoge rescue count #wu xie swoon count #wu xie #xiaoge #zhang qiling #wang pangzi #iron triangle

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naiadic · 4 years

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I cant sleep so Ill tell yall about my day

So. I work as a cashier at a safeway. Given it is the apocalypse (march 25th, 2020 since tumblr doesnt date posts) this means most people are nervous about getting sick and directly thank me for working during these trying times. Sneeze guards are installed at every checkstand and at customer service, and we also have a thing where once an hour we're supposed to clean our checkstands thoroughly. This cleaning is interrupted if it's too busy, and I've been told to stop in order to serve customers (but I've only missed one hour out of the like...28ish hours ive worked since this was added)

Anyway some people are still fuckin idiots as always

Some people are also assholes

Like today I had this dude waltz into my line even though my light was off (I was trying to start cleaning and decided I'd help him since he only had a few things). He didn't acknowledge the light being off or apologize, which like...fine? He might not have noticed? nbd. But then the motherfucker takes an item he decided he didnt want and *PUTS IT ON TOP OF THE FUCKING RACK OF GUM ABOVE THE GROCERY BELT*

at this point he notices the *imgoingtofuckingstabyouifyoudontpickthatthefuckup* look i'm giving him and says "oh I dont want it anymore" and hands it to me instead (the right thing to do). Then he goes on to pass on another of his items, just kind of pointing at it? rude? whatever ig??

anyway then i ring up his other shit (literally a box of cereal and quart of milk) and his card declines. This guy walks away empty-handed without saying a WORD. Literally leaves the store before I can even start to ask if he has another method of payment.

Like what the fUCK dude

Get your shit together jfc the lady behind you wouldve bought that shit forbya if youd stuck around for 3 goddamn seconds

#retail #being a cashier in the apocalypse sucks #cashier complaints #ayo but we have a 2 dollar temporary raise so ya girl is making 15.50 rn

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tellywoodtrash · 5 years

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khkt 29.08.19 lb

starting off itself with this mataji. nahi chahiye.

raima's baba is also in the picture. why he living somewhere separately from the mom and comatose daughter?

mumbai is such a bloody big city???? honestly, she's acting like it's an apartment complex and rohit is the watchman, ki uska saamna kiye bagair ghus hi nahi sakte.

oh boy, sapiens3 se karenge treatment.

ughhhhhhhhhhh every minute i have to watch her makes me want to claw my skin off.

AUNTY AAP DECIDE KARLO AAP KO KYA PYAARI HAI, BETI KI JAAN YA ROHIT KA CHEHRA NA DEKHNA. god, honestly.

raima already giving all of us the middle finger.

oh boy, this girl just doesn't learn. he just compared you to his ex and you're still floating around on heart shaped clouds. come the fuck on, sona.

normally i would get mad at suman, but today i feel like this conversation was needed to shake some sense into sona.

god desis and their shaadi obsession. na raaton ko neend, na din ko chain, till the fruit of their loins is bound in holy matrimony.

i live for these tiny, casual, unscripted moments of bromance!

oh god janmaastami par bhi naach gaana karte hain yeh log.

rohan/tanya are hellbent on making yk leave his marketing job to become full-time family function singer.

yeh kaisa surprise hua??? one, you already told everyone, and two...... it's not even a.... ok chodo. won’t nitpick.

EVEN IF THIS WAS A LEGIT RELATIONSHIP ROHIT'S OBJECTIONS ARE 100% VALID. i would fucking freak if i had to meet my S.O.'s 60 thousand relatives any time before the wedding.

for once ajit is talking sense and helping rohit out, instead of adding to his problems.

ouffffffff veeeeeeeeena. i know you're desperate to get a bahu but calm down!

i love these two idiots so much.

good lord veena toh just needs an excuse to get sona to come over.

this time i'm on nishi's side. roz roz kya function pe sonakshi ko bulaana???

lmao look at these idiots’ faces as they watch the drama.

omfg akash shut the fuck up. your thing isn't even related to the matter at hand? kuch bhi. #teamNishi

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaas, yk! #weStanAGoodMan

no rohit! do not trust your enthu cutlet mom with this!

aw, why did they cut yk holding nishi's hand to persuade her, from the frame??!!!! i wanna see their middle-aged marital cuteness!

ugh back to raima's mummy. *applies calamine lotion on the hives already rising up on my arms at the sight of her*

YES PLS LET DR. DIMPY HANDLE IT. PLS.

oh god veena. bhoot ki tarah aise kyun mandaraaa rahi ho?????? i love you, i do, but you need to give your grownass kid some goddamn space.

i am rohit.

ok yk but back when you were wooing nishi some 20-25 years ago, mumbai traffic ka bhi toh yeh haal nahi tha? why do ppl forget all that when they start reminiscing about the good old days?

trollololololol.

lmao sona's freaked out seeing his weirdass smile.

awwwwww mummy waali bonding. cute cute cute.

jfc veena went and liked every single pic of sona's on insta.

"yeh mat kehna ki meri mom tumhe mujhse zyaada pasand karti hai."

"mujhe toh lagta hai!" haha she's sooooo cuteee.

ugh. look at this pint-sized homewrecker getting all excited to go mess around with a married man.

hey wardrobe, would it kill y'all to give her a dress that fits? the shoulder of her dress is literally falling off.

what is today, opposite day? i'm agreeing more with suman and kinda annoyed with veena.

hahahahahahhaha ravi ka tanka bhid gaya sunita ke saath!

lol the contrast in their expressions.

rohit ravi ka baap hai kya, jo aisa bhadak raha hai? teri khud ki love life toh hai nahi, usse bhi nahi banane dega, manhoos?

sona is the mosttttttttt wholesome.

"haan jao. gaadi bhi le jao! main bus mein chala jaoonga!"

sona jaisi boss ho, warna na ho.

haaaye, the graceful sass with which she shut him down.

"bilkul biwi waala rob dikha rahi ho."

a moment of shiny eyes.

and this fucker blows it all up to shit.

ROHIT YOU ASSHOLE YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS PURE BEAN.

oh god i really do not care for this party of try-hards.

tanya does NOT deserve this bullshit. she's a sweet girl who's being massively fucked over by these absolute douchewaffles.

i have never seen anyone THIS excited for a game of rummy, of all things.

today in cishet men are the fucking grossest.

oh boy, the baby stories are coming out.

uncle really went there, and rohit is giving him suchhhhhh a "just fucking try me, pops. i WILL fuck you up." look.

sona noticed what literally everyone in the house has overlooked for god-knows-how-many decades.

baby bro to the rescue. *pats his floofy head*

but also threatening to out some secrets.

this is the big scandalous secret? that he wears socks to sleep? pft.

lol sippy family ka menu toh ab sona ke pasand/naapasand ke hisaab se decide hoga.

god she came all the way here and now has to go all the way back to goregaon for dinner. you sippys need to give her some damn breathing room. or a flat here in SoBo.

"............ kal phir??"

god i am practically dying from second hand empathy for her. bhagwan dushman ko bhi aise roz back-to-back social engagements na de.

lol nishi's glee at suman not being able to come.

oh god veena, make like elsa and LET IT GO. HONESTLY.

"aa jao please. hum sab ko achcha lagega."

BRO WHUT....... SUBAAH HI TOH YOU DIDN’T WANT HER TO COME. AND NOW YOU'RE........ honestly, stop being such a selfish twat. what, she can't possibly have plans of her own for janmaashtami?? seedha seedha bol bhi nahi raha that YOU want her to come, taake she feels happy about it, and not pressured into it for the sake of this drama. god i hate men and their inability to articulate their feelings.

and suman was right, sona is too emotionally soft and koi bhi just takes faayda of it.

bless yk for making her feel welcome and wanted (since a certain somebody else, didn’t.........)

oh god she wants mahaepisode type celebrations.

yeh sunke rohit ka sanskaari ‘omg mere family se kitna ghul-mil gayi hai!’ boner jaag utha.

uhhhhhhhhh, you work like.... 16 hour shifts, how the hell you gonna do these arrangements, that too in SOMEONE ELSE'S house, that’s like 3 hours away from your own????

lmao i really relate with nishi today. they need to write her more like this, wry and caustically polite, mostly keeping her no-holds-barred thoughts to herself/yk.

um, set ki art director ko set pe kaam nahi hai kya, that she'll come here and decorate your nakli boo-thang's house for a pooja???

lol big time mood, nishi. forever and ever.

#kahaan hum kahaan tum #khkt lbs #episode liveblogs

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urfavmurtad · 6 years

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Here it is… my masterpiece of procrastination… the long-awaited sequel to The Quraysh Were Good Actually: 2 Ghazwa 2 Furious, per anon’s request. I actually couldn’t get it all in one post anon, sorry, bc it’s goddamn 10,000 words long jfc but I got it into two, which is much better than the five I had @quranreadalong!!!

This is all about military expeditions in Mohammed’s time. It sounds dry but I promise it’s fire. Jews getting massacred! Temples getting burned down!! Swarms of bees sent to punish the disbelievers!!! Extreme feudalism!!!! All this and more during the spread of The True Religion. I took mercy upon all y’all app users by not putting the whole thing as one post and making u scroll 5 minutes to get to the end of it.

This is an almost-complete rundown of military expeditions in Mohammed’s era, starting in Medina (622 AD) and leading up to the expedition to Tabouk (630 AD). It all started with our dudes the Quraysh in Mecca and their allies.

Mohammed’s followers had been raiding trade caravans headed to and from Mecca for a while. The first attempted attack on a caravan was only a few months after Mohammed moved to Medina with his followers, and more raids were carried out once every couple months after that. The motive was simply to get whatever the caravan was carrying. The early historian Ibn Ishaq quotes Mohammed as sending his men out with the command:

Go forth against this caravan; it may be that Allah will grant you plunder

Ambushes like this were pretty par for the course; there were always brigands laying in wait to attack caravans and steal their shit. So while this was annoying, it was not really unprecedented for a center of trade like Mecca, and the men traveling with each caravan were used to dealing with the situation and escaping from attempted raids. Mohammed’s people were simply one of many nuisances at this point, and their raids did not actually accomplish much until late 623 AD. This was the Nakhla raid.

Here’s the deal. In both the Islamic calendar and the polytheistic Arabian calendar that preceded it, there are four “sacred” months during which you’re not supposed to shed blood. One of those months is Rajab, the seventh month. Both Muslims and polytheists agreed that no one should be killed in this month, but Mohammed sent out a raiding party towards the end of the month anyway, headed by one of his idiot extended family members, Abdallah ibn Jahsh. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, Abdallah had a penchant for Yeezys, and the Meccan caravan happened to be carrying some.

This expedition proceeded until they reached Nakhlah where they found ‘Amr ibn al-Hadrami leading a trade caravan for the Quraysh. That day was the last day of the sacred month. The Muslims were divided in their opinion. Some of them said: 'We know for certain that today belongs to the sacred month, we are of the view that you should not violate it because of greed’. The opinion of those who desired the stuff of this world gained the upper hand; they attacked Ibn al-Hadrami, killed him and seized his camels. Ibn al-Hadrami was the first person to be killed in a fight between the Muslims and the disbelievers. The disbelievers of the Quraysh heard about the incident and sent a delegation to the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace. They said to him: 'Do you allow fighting in the sacred month?’ As a response, Allah, exalted is He, revealed this verse (They question thee (O Muhammad) with regard to warfare in the sacred month…)

So even though it was a truce month and the raiders themselves knew it, they attacked the caravan, killed a trader, and stole the Yeezys anyway. The Quraysh were very upset and demanded answers from Mohammed, at which point “Allah” revealed that the raid was okay because the Quraysh were big meanies and disbelievers.

Now convinced that Mohammed’s followers were murderous lunatics, the Quraysh decided to prepare an army to send out to defend their next caravan if necessary. When Mohammed moved to attack a caravan returning from Syria to Mecca, the army set out to defend the caravan. The two armies met at a water source between Mecca and Medina called Badr, and that battle went well for the Muslims, with a few dozen Meccans dying and more being taken captive. (The caravan got past them, though.)

After Badr, many non-Muslims in Medina were furious at their new neighbors for instigating such a conflict. The Muslims were viewed by their non-Muslim neighbors not only as the aggressors, but also as a real threat to Medina’s relations with Mecca and their allied merchants in the area. One such person was a woman named Asma, a poet. In one of her poems she expressed rage at Mohammed and his people attacking the Meccans (many had friends or family in Mecca and the two cities were generally friendly with one another prior to Mohammed’s arrival) and wished for Mohammed’s death:

Do you expect good from him after the killing of your chiefs / Like a hungry man waiting for a cook’s broth? / Is there no man of pride who would attack him by surprise / And cut off the hopes of those who expect aught from him?

Mohammed was not happy upon hearing this. Ibn Ishaq’s biography continues:

When the apostle heard what she had said he said, “Who will rid me of Marwan’s daughter [Asma]?” Umayr b. Adiy al-Khatmi who was with him heard him, and that very night he went to her house and killed her. In the morning he came to the apostle and told him what he had done and he [Muhammad] said, “You have helped God and His apostle, O Umayr!” When he asked if he would have to bear any evil consequences the apostle said, “Two goats won’t butt their heads about her”, so Umayr went back to his people.

As far as I recall, Asma is the first recorded unarmed murder victim among the polytheists of Medina. She would not be the last Medinan poet to be killed that year; Mohammed also ordered the death of an old Jewish man for similar reasons that same year (and later ordered the death of another Jew who committed the same offense). The murder of those who dared speak against him was part a campaign of stamping out dissent and solidifying control of the area.

Mohammed believed that one community in particular stood in his way.

The first of three conflicts between Mohammed and the Jewish tribes of Medina began not long after Badr. As I’ve said before, Mohammed didn’t really interact with Jews en masse until his Medina days, and he seems to have been genuinely appalled that they not only didn’t believe he was a prophet, but believed that he was a bullshitter who distorted the Torah’s stories and their belief system. Relations between Muslims and Jews in Medina were not ideal for this reason, especially because the Jews were a prosperous and influential minority group that held power in the city, but from 622-624, there wasn’t really outright conflict. But the Jews’ persistent refusal to “embrace Islam” was noted and deeply resented.

That changed after Badr. Mohammed was feeling like a widow who just buried her third husband and was sick of having to deal with the Jews’ shit when he was basically running the place. Ibn Ishaq:

When God smote Quraysh at Badr, the apostle assembled the Jews in the market of the B. Qaynuqa’ (one of the three Jewish tribes, mostly smiths and jewelers) when he came to Medina and called on them to accept Islam before God should treat them as he had treated Quraysh.

And so he announced:

O assembly of Jews! Surrender to Allah (embrace Islam) and you will be safe!

Those who did not convert were told in no uncertain terms what Mohammed was preparing:

You should know that the earth belongs to Allah and His Apostle, and I want to expel you from this land.

From here on out, relations between Muslims and Jews were quite understandably tense. He saw the Jews as an obstacle to full control of the city and he wanted them gone from Medina. And before long, he would accomplish that goal.

The first of the three tribes to displease him was the Banu Qaynuqa. Neither Ibn Ishaq nor al-Tabari (nor any sahih source) gives the specific trigger for this incident, though more... colorful historians did invent an excuse it that is genuinely laughable. According to these accounts, the incident that prompted their eventual doom involved a jeweler belonging to the clan interacting with a Muslim woman and taking off her veil by pinning it down to a counter without her noticing (other histories say he “stripped her naked”–quite a strong pin!). A Muslim man observed this and beat the jeweler to death, prompting nearby Jews to try to pull him off the guy and subsequently kill him, and so on.

Whatever happened, Mohammed made good on his earlier threat to the Jews.

He sent his men to besiege the Banu Qaynuqa in their quarters for two weeks. It was evidently a bloodless siege as the Banu Qaynuqa do not seem to have fought back, and were perhaps unable to do so. They offered an unconditional surrender. The question then was what to do with them. One of the leaders of Medina forcefully pleaded for their lives. Al-Tabari:

Abd Allah b. Ubbay b. Salul rose up when God had put them in his power, and said, “Muhammad, treat my mawali [friends of tribe] well”; for they were the confederates of al-Khazraj [Abdallah’s tribe]. The Prophet delayed his answer, so ‘Abd Allah repeated, “Muhammad, treat my mawali well.” The Prophet turned away from him, and he put his hand into (The Messenger’s) collar. The Messenger of God said, “Let me go!” – he was so angry that they could see shadows in his face (that is, his face coloured). Then he said, “Damn you, let me go!” [Abdallah] replied, “No, by God, I will not let you go until you treat my mawali well. Four hundred man without armour and three hundred with coats of mail, who defended me from the Arab and non-Arab alike, and you would mow them in a single morning? By God, I do not feel safe and am afraid of what the future may have in store.” So the Messenger of God said, “They are yours.“

(This is the same guy labeled one of the munafiqun/fake Muslims in the Quran; there is no doubt that his kindness to the Jews of Medina was part of the reason for the suspicion towards him.)

The Jews of the Banu Qaynuqa were all kicked out, male and female alike, except for those few who wanted to stay and “converted” to Islam. The rest made their miserable way north. Mohammed confiscated their property and divided it among his followers and family members according to “Allah’s rules”. By pure coincidence, the Banu Qaynuqa had been prosperous smiths and jewelers who operated Medina’s market. Which was now up for grabs. Hrm...

That took care of the first Jewish tribe. They were the lucky ones.

The first recorded Medinan Muslim deaths outside of combat occurred about a month after this. Two farmers, at least one of whom was Muslim, were killed when a group of Meccan soldiers, seeking to avenge their comrades at Badr, torched a field a few miles away from Medina, where the two people were killed. This was, of course, the fault of The Jewz. Ibn Saad’s sira states:

They knocked at the door of Huyayy ibn Akhtab to gather information about the Apostle of Allah and his companions. He refused to open the door. They knocked at the door of Sallam Ibn Mishkam who opened the door, feasted them, offered them drink and supplied information about the Apostle of Allah.

Huyayy was the leader of the Banu Nadir tribe of Medinan Jews. Sallam here was a rabbi who deeply disliked Mohammed and thought he was a charlatan and, after his Badr and caravan expeditions, a dangerous cult leader. He exposed Mohammed’s lack of Biblical knowledge on multiple occasions, and Mohammed loathed him in return. We have absolutely no idea if Sallam’s involvement here is true or not due to the weak chain of transmission. It seems rather unlikely; the Meccans seem to have just been intent on quickly causing trouble and then leaving rather than staying to plan any larger attack or gathering information. When Mohammed decided to turn his wrath on the Banu Nadir, this supposed incident would not be the trigger, or even mentioned as an excuse.

Meanwhile, Mohammed can’t stop, won’t stop the raiding business. But his raids this time didn’t accomplish much–the Muslims captured some pack animals and goods at best, and walked away empty-handed at worst. Ibn Ishaq blandly lists the raids that occurred in 624 AD following Badr (no motivations are given for any of them). One involved Mohammed’s fighters trying to find some men of the Banu Sulaym tribe to raid, but they couldn’t locate them. There was another raid on the Quraysh, though this one doesn’t seem to have worked. Finally, we’re told that “he raided Najd, making for Ghatafan” shortly after the burnt-field incident mentioned above. Najd is the region to the east of the Hijaz, and the Ghatafan tribe was a large confederation of mostly-Bedouin clans that lived there. We will be seeing them again later, and we will discover that they didn’t enjoy Mohammed’s antics much.

Ibn Saad’s sira adds some color to this last raid, and gives some details to flesh out the story: two Ghatafan clans, we are told, were amassing themselves… in the middle of the Najd… to attack Medina. Of course. (Ibn Saad’s sira does this over and over again, it’s kind of funny. He probably got this tendency from his inventive teacher, al-Waqidi.) Mysteriously, when Mohammed’s army approached this spot, the evildoers… fled in terror and didn’t even try to engage them! The Muslims were able to capture a guy, who told them:

They will never confront you. If they learn of your march they will flee to the peaks of the mountains.

Some sources say that this poor dude was then put to death, or, as one book nicely puts it, “met his fate ordained from pre-eternity”.

So much for that whole threatening-Medina thing.

Finally, there was another caravan raid in this time period, also in the Najd region. Ibn Ishaq states:

The Quraysh were afraid to follow their usual route to Syria after what had happened at Badr, so they went by the Iraq route. Some of their merchants went out, among whom was Abu Sufyan, carrying a great deal of silver which formed the larger part of their merchandise. … The Apostle duly sent Zayd, and he met them by that watering place and captured the caravan and its contents, but the men got away. He brought the spoil to the Apostle.

The evil Meccans specifically took a different route to avoid the Muslims, but the Muslims wanted that sweet, sweet cash and attacked the caravan anyway. They took a shitload of silver straight to Mohammed.

It is at this point that the Meccans said “you know what? fuck this shit”, prompting the Battle of Uhud, which is a mountain near Medina. Uhud did not go very well for the Muslim army; Mohammed’s troops were poorly disciplined and left themselves open to cavalry attacks from the Quraysh. About as many Muslims died at Uhud as Meccans had died at Badr. So the Quraysh went back to Mecca, feeling confident that they’d taught Mohammed a lesson, rather than pursue his people into Medina.

Mohammed’s pride was badly wounded by the whole incident, and he needed to raise his army’s morale. So the day immediately following the battle, he ordered his some of his men to chase down the Meccans as they were headed home. The two armies seem to have tried to play psychological games with one another without actually engaging each other, but nothing came of it--the Quraysh made their way back to Mecca and Mohammed’s men went back to Medina. A couple of weaker sources say that Mohammed’s guys were able to capture a small number of Meccan soldiers and kill them, though Ibn Ishaq doesn’t say this. Regardless, the whole incident appears to have just been Mohammed letting his men release some frustration after losing a battle, similar to the Meccans attacking the field after Badr back in the last section.

With the Quraysh victorious and out of reach for the moment, Mohammed turned his wrath on smaller enemies, namely regional Bedouin (desert nomadic people) clans who refused to embrace Islam. This period contains a lot of “Mohammed ‘learns’ that some small clan somewhere is planning on attacking Medina and has to go attack them first, clan flees in terror, Mohammed steals their shit” incidents in Ibn Saad’s sira, though the motives usually go unstated in Ibn Ishaq’s. The victims of Mohammed’s fuckery this time were the Banu Asad bin Khuzayma in Najd (east of Hijaz, central modern-day Saudi Arabia). Upon arriving at the site, all the Muslims found were three shepherds with their flocks. The poor unlucky souls were taken captive and their animals were taken as “war booty”.

This happened yet again with another clan from the Najd area, the Banu Lahyan. This time, though, Ibn Hishsm says that Mohammed sent an assassin instead of an army and had him shank the chief of the clan. Abdullah ibn Unais was the assassin in question; the chief lost his head, which was brought back to Mohammed as a trophy.

Unfortunately the Banu Lahyan did not react very well to the murder of their chief and the desecration of his corpse. They bribed two guys, who went to Mohammed and pretended to be Muslims, asking him to send some of his own men to their clan to teach them all about Islam. Mohammed didn’t believe them and sent ten spies with them disguised as missionaries. Naturally, they were ambushed along the way by the Banu Lahyan, who wanted to take them captive in order to get money for the life of their chief. The Muslims refused to be taken alive.

Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) sent a Sariya [detachment] of ten men as spies under the leadership of `Asim bin Thabit … About two-hundred men, who were all archers, hurried to follow their tracks … When `Asim and his companions saw their pursuers, they went up a high place and the infidels circled them. The infidels said to them, “Come down and surrender, and we promise and guarantee you that we will not kill any one of you” `Asim bin Thabit; the leader of the Sariya said, “By Allah! I will not come down to be under the protection of infidels.

Of the ten, eight died in the fighting there. The remaining two were traded for money in Mecca… unfortunately to people whose family members they had killed at Badr, and they also died. (The whole hadith above is worth reading… it involves shaving pubes, magic grapes, and Allah sending bees. Everything in the hadith that occurs in Mecca is obviously made up, as all of these people died and no one but the dead would know these details, but it seems like the incident itself did happen.)

After this was a more serious incident that was very similar to the one above. The second one is called “the incident at Bir Maona” and follows the same pattern: a guy says he wants Mohammed to send missionaries to his clan to teach them about Islam, Mohammed sends some people (the numbers are uncertain; some say 40, another source says “70” but that number just means, basically, “dozens”), they get ambushed along the way, the ambushers promise not to harm them, a fight ensues, and all but two get killed, again. The perpetrators had various reasons for loathing Mohammed; some clans had been attacked by his followers, others were allied with people who had been attacked. They did not go easy on them.

But while he was reporting the message of the Prophet, they beckoned to one of their men who stabbed him to death. My maternal uncle said, "Allah is Greater! By the Lord of the Kaaba, I am successful.” After that they attacked the rest of the party and killed them all except a lame man who went up to the top of the mountain. (Hammam, a sub-narrator said, “I think another man was saved along with him).”

Mohammed was very unhappy.

For thirty days Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) invoked Allah to curse those who had killed the companions of Bir-Mauna; he invoked evil upon the tribes of Ral, Dhakwan, and Usaiya who disobeyed Allah and His Apostle. There was revealed about those who were killed at Bir-Mauna a Qur'anic Verse we used to recite, but it was cancelled later on. The verse was: “Inform our people that we have met our Lord. He is pleased with us and He has made us pleased.”

This verse is no longer in the Quran. It was “cancelled”. Don’t ask me why. I think it was because the phrasing made it sound like the dead people were talking instead of Allah, so Mohammed changed it, possibly to 3:169.

Anyway, the two incidents above are so similar that I have to wonder if the details of them sort of blended together (or were heavily embellished). But the Bedouins’ overall resistance to the True Religion was noted and Mohammed filed that knowledge away to deal with it later.

Remember the Banu Nadir Jews, involved in the field incident? Well, besides killing that one poet after Badr, Mohammed held off on dealing with them for a while. But after the above, he was pissed off and needed someone to take his anger out on. This brings us to our second of three incidents with The Jewz. Like the Banu Qaynuqa, the triggering incident (the whole thing with Sallam helping the Meccans is not mentioned here, which also leads me to think it was bullshit) described by the histories is extremely petty.

Here’s the rundown from Ibn Ishaq. One of Mohammed’s followers, Amr bin Umayya, promises two dudes from the Banu Kilab clan that he won’t hurt them and then kills them while they’re sleeping, ostensibly because he thinks they were involved in Bir Maona (the guys were in fact unrelated to the incident and were given orders of protection from Mohammed himself).

To keep the clan from hating him, Mohammed promises the victims’ families that he’ll pay them for the murders. Despite the fact that the dude has plenty of money at this point (see the raids from the last section), he goes to the Banu Nadir and asks them to pay the money, because they’re close to the Banu Kilab. The Banu Nadir agree to this, presumably because they saw what happened to their Jewish brethren when they even mildly upset Mohammed.

None of this really has anything to do with the reason why the Banu Nadir got kicked out of Medina. Rather, what happened is that while Mohammed was at the Banu Nadir’s place outside the city discussing this matter, “Allah” told him that one of the Jews was going to assassinate him by dropping a rock on his head. So Mohammed left and returned to Medina’s city limits. …Yes, really. This is seriously what happened, according to Ibn Ishaq.

When Mohammed’s baffled followers found him again, he informed them of what “Allah” told him, then instructed them to get an army together.

he told them of the treachery which the Jews mediated against him. The apostle ordered them to prepare for war and to march against them. Then he went off with the men until he came upon them.

The Banu Nadir at this point are completely fucked because they have no way of defending themselves against Mohammed’s baseless allegations, as “it was a revelation from Allah” functions as a trump card for Mohammed’s followers. Like the Banu Qaynuqa, the Banu Nadir had absolutely zero hope of winning any fight. A siege lasting between one and two weeks followed, with the Muslim besiegers destroying the date palm trees that shielded the Banu Nadir’s quarters, and the Banu Nadir surrendered unconditionally with no loss of life recorded on either side. Also like the Banu Qaynuqa, the Banu Nadir Jews were allowed to either convert or leave. Their property and any possessions left behind were taken by Mohammed for himself and his family.

The properties abandoned by Banu Nadir were the ones which Allah bestowed upon His Apostle for which no expedition was undertaken either with cavalry or camelry. These properties were particularly meant for the Prophet (ﷺ). He would meet the annual expenditure of his family from the income thereof, and would spend what remained for purchasing horses and weapons as preparation for Jihad.

This story is told all sorts of ways in early Islamic history books, with the same endpoint but differing descriptions of what, exactly, the dastardly Jews were planning on doing. The most likely explanation for these differing accounts is just that there was no obvious reason for their expulsion so people had to make up stories about it. Regardless, the Banu Nadir, rather than fleeing far to the north like most of their Banu Qaynuqa brethren, stayed relatively close by in a Jewish settlement called Khaybar. It would prove to be a mistake.

We haven’t talked about the Quraysh in Mecca for a while–most of Mohammed’s conflict in the last section involved Bedouin in the Najd and the Jews in Medina. But he did not forget the blow to his ego that was Uhud. Oh no. He remembered, and in 626 AD, he set out to prove his prophet credentials to his followers. He returned to the scene of his first and greatest glory, Badr.

After the previous battle, the leader of the Meccan army (Abu Sufyan) told his people that they would likely face the Muslims again the same time next year. But when this period actually came, he decided against it. Ibn Saad:

When the period came to a close, Abu Sufyan was reluctant to march. (In the meantime) Nu’aym Ibn Mas’ud al-Ashja’I arrived in Makkah, Abu Sufyan said to him: I made a promise to confront Muhammad and his companions at Badr. That time has come, but this is a year of drought while a year of plenitude and prosperity suits us.

Abu Sufyan told Nuam (a deeply sketchy character we’ll come across again later) to try to convince Mohammed not to fight by exaggerating the size of the Meccan forces, but Mohammed didn’t fall for it. He was rearing to fight and wasn’t gonna let the Meccans chicken out on him. So he marched his men out to Badr and waited. But the Meccans really did not want to fight and went straight back to Mecca without engaging with the Muslims. This reasonable action (there really was a drought) is naturally presented as a sign of the Meccans’ cowardice in Islamic texts. In reality, they probably should have gone through with the battle, because by not engaging in war, they allowed the Muslim army to look like they’d scared them off and established dominance. This shifted perceptions of Mohammed’s army in the region and made tribes consider aligning with him.

This was followed by a few more raids that followed an identical pattern, the most notable of which occurred very far to the north, in Dumat al-Jandal (the north of modern-day Saudi Arabia). Mohammed heard rumors that there were brigands of some kind making trouble there and laughably told his followers that they were going to attack Medina (they are hundreds miles of desert away from each other). The troops were gathered yet again and marched off to meet this clear and present danger and yet again never found their phantom enemy. It is very likely that this was Mohammed’s way of showing his strength to the Christians of northern Arabia in preparation of a wider Islamic conquest, which would begin a few years later. Mohammed was clearly feeling as though he had supplanted the Meccans as the dominant force in the region and wanted people to know it.

(Many years later, during the Tabouk expedition, Dumat al-Jandal would be one of the cities forced to pay jizya to the Muslims. And three years after that, during the conflict called the “Ridda Wars” that occurred immediately after Mohammed’s death–when unhappily converted people and those made to pay jizya turned against Abu Bakr and Islam in general–the city rebelled against their overlords and was crushed by the caliphate’s army.)

Mohammed’s raids got bolder around this time. The pattern (accuse people of conspiring against him, attack them, steal their shit) held, but sneak attacks began to be used to prevent the whole “flee in terror” middle step. Also in the year 626 AD was an attack upon a clan called Banu Mustaliq, living halfway between Medina and Mecca. The attack was sudden.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) made a raid upon Banu Mustaliq while they were unaware and their cattle were having a drink at the water. He killed those who fought and imprisoned others.

Mohammed “married” the daughter of the chief of that clan after she was enslaved, and his men raped the other women (except for the ones related to Mohammed’s new wife, as raping the siblings and cousins of your beloved prophet’s wife is not a good look). This raid is mentioned in a hadith in which Mohammed discussed with his men whether using the pull-out method vs splooging in their sex slaves’ vaginas was preferable. Enjoy reading that if you want.

We are now entering the year 627 AD and shit gets increasingly real. 626 marked the beginning of Islam becoming a genuinely dominant force in the region, and in 627 those who had opposed Mohammed were either defeated or drastically reduced in power.

In January of this year, several of the people Mohammed had pissed off over the years attempted to finally deal with the situation in Medina. The Quraysh had the opportunity to do this all the way back at Uhud, recall, but no one had actually tried it until now. So the Meccans teamed up with the Banu Nadir, the remainders of the Banu Qaynuqa in the area, and some clans of the Ghatafan and asked them to help besiege Medina.

Mohammed knew they were coming and the Muslims dug a trench along the side of the city facing the direction that the Meccans were coming from in order to stop any advance on horseback (the other side of Medina faced mountainous terrain). This was possibly done on the advice of a Persian man living with them, who knew the tactic well from his homeland. The siege was, like the offensive sieges we’ve already seen, tedious and involved very few casualties. For a little over three weeks the besiegers tried to find an opening but couldn’t; occasionally someone would fire an arrow at the other side, but only five people were killed in total. Irritated, the Quraysh finally just asked Mohammed to send one of his fighters out to settle the battle in a traditional Arab one-on-one duel. He sent Ali, who won, and the besiegers began to suspect that this whole exercise was pointless. The two sides spent most of the rest of the siege yelling insults at one another like a Monty Python movie.

At this point the intrigue shifts to inside Mohammed’s camp. If you recall, there were three large Jewish tribes living near Medina when Mohammed got there. He expelled two of them, but the third was still around. This was the Banu Qurayza. The Banu Qurayza were fairly uninvolved in all of the above–they had assisted the Muslims in digging the trench, but they weren’t fighting on either side. But during the siege, Huyayy ibn Akhtab (the leader of the Banu Nadir) came to his co-religionists to talk to them. He was initially turned away, but later let in. Ibn Kathir:

[Qurayza leader] Ka`b said to him, “No, by Allah, this is the opportunity for humiliation. Woe to you, O Huyay, you are a bad omen. Leave us alone.”

News of the meeting between Huyayy and the leader of the Banu Qurayza began to spread inside Medina, fueling rumors that terrified the population, convincing them that a surprise attack was coming while they were still besieged. Had this been true, it would have been a disaster, because the Qurayza lived on the other side of Medina–the undefended side, right against the mountain. They had weapons (they sold weapons as part of their trade) and men to use them. If they had attacked Medina on one side with the tribes distracting the Muslims on the other, it is entirely possible that Medina would have fallen.

But the Qurayza never made a move to attack Medina in any way; if they even sincerely thought of joining the siege, the thought clearly did not last long. Muslims sowed distrust between the Qurayza and the alliance of tribes besieging Medina, and the besiegers were already thinking of heading back home anyway. If the Qurayza didn’t make a move soon, the alliance said they’d just leave. Several sources recount a rather convenient story in which they swear the Qurayza did agree to attack Medina, but the planned attack fell on the sabbath day, so they didn’t actually do anything. Hmm.

When the siege ended and the Meccans and Ghatafan clans left, Huyayy remained with the Qurayza. Some history books say he had the opportunity to flee, but chose the honorable option of remaining with the Qurayza, knowing that their impending punishment was partially his fault.

The failure of the siege was a serious blow to the reputation of the Quraysh and another sign that Mohammed’s armies were becoming the supreme armed force in the area.

All that the Qurayza had done, as far as anyone could prove, was remain uninvolved in the siege and talk to Huyayy, who had been labeled a traitor by Mohammed’s enemies by the end of the siege. They had not marched on Medina. They had not killed a single Muslim. In fact the siege as a whole was virtually bloodless, and it was kept that way by the Qurayza refusing to fight alongside the Meccans. (This is explained in some Islamic history books by stating that the Qurayza were going to fight, but the chosen day of their sneak attack fell on the Sabbath, so they told the Quraysh they couldn’t do it. Convenient!)

But the lack of blood didn’t matter. What mattered was that the Qurayza had possibly entertained the thought, even for one moment, of going against Mohammed. The Qaynuqa and Nadir had been on the receiving end of the first Muslim expulsions of Jews. The Qurayza would be on the receiving end of the first Muslim massacre of Jews.

Immediately after the besiegers left, Mohammed informed his troops that Jibreel, the angel who talked to him on occasion (who no one else could see), had given him a command. Allah wanted the Qurayza dead.

Then Gabriel whose head was covered with dust, came to him saying, “You have put down your arms! By Allah, I have not put down my arms yet.” Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “Where (to go now)?” Gabriel said, “This way,” pointing towards the tribe of Bani Quraiza. So Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) went out towards them.

And so another siege began, this time with the Muslims being the besiegers. It lasted about as long as the previous siege had, and like the other two sieges of Jewish quarters, ended with the unconditional surrender of the Jews. It is very likely that the Qurayza expected the same fate to befall them as befell their coreligionists, namely exile. But Allah was no longer in the mood to simply send Jews packing. Instead, by both “Allah’s will” and the suggestion of one of the leaders of the Medinan Muslim tribes, all the Qurayza men were to be put to death and their property, women, and children “distributed” to the Muslims. The only ones who would escape either death or slavery were those who converted to Islam on the spot. Boys were differentiated from men by having them drop their pants; those who had pubic hair were deemed “men” and executed.

Those whose pubic hair had grown were killed, and those whose pubic hair had not yet grown were let go.

The men of the Qurayza were brought into Medina’s center. Mohammed had ordered some shallow trenches dug into the ground there. Hundreds of men and boys, between 600 and 800 of them, were marched to the trenches. One by one they were beheaded. Huyayy was killed along with them.

Huyayy was brought out wearing a flowered robe in which he had made holes about the size of the finger-tips in every part so that it should not be taken from him as spoil, with his hands bound to his neck by a rope. When he saw the apostle he said, ‘By God, I do not blame myself for opposing you, but he who forsakes God will be forsaken.’ Then he went to the men and said, 'God’s command is right. A book and a decree, and massacre have been written against the Sons of Israel.’ Then he sat down and his head was struck off.

Huyayy’s people, the Banu Nadir, had fled to Khaybar, which was around 100 miles directly north of Medina. But the Banu Qurayza would meet their end in Medina. One woman died after going insane watching her relatives die, according to a hadith judged hasan (of good reputability).

No woman of Banu Qurayzah was killed except one. She was with me, talking and laughing on her back and belly (extremely), while the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) was killing her people with the swords. … The man took her and beheaded her. She [Aisha] said: I will not forget that she was laughing extremely although she knew that she would be killed.

It was the complete and utter destruction of the Banu Qurayza. The tribe never existed again. Hundreds more people died on this one day than had died in all the conflicts between Muslims and their many enemies, combined, before this.

In case anyone missed the message that Mohammed was sending, a few years later he told all remaining Jews from other clans (who lived in Medina in small numbers) to get out of the city and never come back unless they wanted to convert.

He exiled all the Jews from Medina. They were the Jews of Bani Qainuqa’, the tribe of `Abdullah bin Salam and the Jews of Bani Haritha and all the other Jews of Medina.

Like the “pin” incident with the Qaynuqa and the rock incident with the Nadir, the Banu Qurayza’s main fault was being Jewish. Whatever they really discussed with the besiegers, the Qurayza never actually did anything to betray Mohammed; Medina was in fact saved by their lack of betrayal. It didn’t matter. The three large Jewish clans of Medina had been a thorn in Mohammed’s side for years and 627 AD was when he finally got rid of them for good. The only Jews remaining in the city were those who lived among the polytheistic clans and some small, politically insignificant clans that posed no threat to Mohammed’s power.

Those who lived outside Medina were safe, but only for the moment. They would be dealt with later in the year. Learn what happens in the thrilling conclusion!!!

#islam #history #rant

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victor-v · 4 years

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so yesterday i finished all for the game for the second time in my life (weird thing i've never read a book or series twice) and it wrecked me for the second time. it was unexpectedly nice that i actually understood everything with so much clarity, but that makes sense i've got lot of practice in reading english since then. also, i wrote my thoughts on the book this time.

i can't understand how a book can have such an impact on me, i hate that and i love it, everything else that crossed my mind is under the cut

★huh andrew really bullied aaron into dressing identical to mess up with neil

★"i don't swing either way" is the phrase that made me feel more valid that the whole queer community ever

★neil is pure nihilism

★how can i EVER forget neil wore a tight long sleeved TORN tshirt that andrew bought this is way too much

★seth is dead and all kevin can think about is the line up tbh i do that often

★they are making a scandal about how they sit

★kevin telling neil "destroy him" filled me with power

★the most unreal part is neil ALWAYS keeping his roots another colour the guy must dye his hair every fucking week

★how did neil buy andrew's promise to protect him from the japanese mafia's professional murderers when the only people he physically bullies is an obsessive young adult with anxiety, a princess in high heels and his sunshine sister in law

★wait a fucking minute andrew saw neil filled with terror while holding the phone and immediately gave him the car keys so he could be alone fuck

★nicky fucking hemmick attended to improv class

★ according to dan few athletes were crude enough to start trouble at an ERC event, you mean as crude as neil?

★how to take care of your teammate while he's in a crisis according to: andrew→show concern and reassure him. wymack→10 seconds of vodka

★"hey, jean. jean valjean" is peak comedy

★the ravens walking in v formation is genuinely the most cringy thing you can think of

★neil first finds out the only possible person to date him is andrew because he was jealous of renee are you kidding me

★andrew only missed 13 from 150 shots on goal for fucking real what a Man

★renee is an angel, she's specifically andrew's angel

★neil truly is a watcher

★bee wearing a bee costume is the only good thing on this world

★dan and matt dressed like greek gods!!!!! they can adopt me already

★can you believe nicky is the one who got into neil's brain and planted the idea of realying on someone, and since then neil actively pursues an investigation on andrew's relationship status how on god's name i missed that HOW he's not even subtle about it damn

★he first worries about renee now about kevin goddamn it josten how can't you se how much you care about him

★it's funny how sexuality is such a heavy topic between them when they sure as fuck have some pretty huge stuff going on you know like dying in the hands of the mafia or being tortured

★i imagine andrew running to renee all bonkers like "listen if the cute guy asks, for fucks sake tell him i'm gay but make it ~casual~ maybe this way he'll get it"

★the sole mention of thanksgiving dinner makes me want to die

★kevin is checking the scores in a newspaper I forget this book is so 00's

★they should have spent the day eating turkey and frozen pie at abby's fuckkkkkkkk

★are you kidding me they are in the middle of a conversation and andrew casually chokes neil a little but it's ok they carry on wtf

★"we are all going to regret this" is the fucking worse piece of foreshadowing in this book

★neil interrogating andrew the same night he was raped what kind of fucking piece of shit does that

★i can't fucking believe neil went ahead and shoved andrew's hand under his tshirt in front of kevin, wymack, betsy and two fucking lawyers are you kidding me

★neil asking "are we? friends?" to nicky is so relatable because i also would have an aneurysm if someone told me i am their friend

★someone else tries to flirt with him and he immediately considers andrew how i was too ace to see it the first time i read

★jesus fucking christ riko is one truly fucked up sociopath and neil is the bravest motherfucker on the land

★how can he face riko like that in the nest and be extremely pure in other occasion

★"are we watching the ball drop? i want to make a wish" he wants to make a wish and i want to die thanks

★i can't believe the whole if it means losing you then no and side effect of the drugs shit it's unreal fucking unreal how oblivious neil is too ace to realize anything SOMEONE JUST CALLED YOU "DREAM" THE LEVEL OF ROMANTICISM

★the amount of heavy staring in this trilogy is ridiculous and all i can think about is twilight

★these books made me see how far from the 00s we are, for many reasons, but mostly for some jokes that can't let slide; like calling neil a battered wife, domestic misogynistic violence is not a joke

★i can't believe from all people, wymack was the first one to get andrew was into neil

★"that doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you" is such a funny phrase to be said casually why is it

★"you are a racoon, not a fox" oh andrew

★it only took andrew admitting he had a crush for neil to be all sentimental and shit, and that disarmed andrew too

★they are like some kind of animal that while you think they are fighting, they are actually mating, that's exactly what nora meant with feral

★half of last book is neil mooning over andrew jfc

★nicky made neil smile while distracting him from riko im gonna throw myself off a cliff

★i can't quite believe neil goes through a detailed monologue about andrews memory the man is impressed and borderline turned on about every talent on his crushe's shelf

★i literally can't follow and will never understand the quarrel/promise/agreement between aaron and andrew what a bunch of pretentious idiots

★every time neil's phone buzzes all i fear is the fucking countdown

★i thought "i want to see you lose control" was a collective fever dream i can't believe it's written on the books

★if i was nicky i already have told andrew to stop his freaky pretentious shit towards me

★neil to the upperclassman: ha ha fellas is it gay to unthinkingly call andrew in the middle of a anxiety breakdown

★"you gave me a key and called it home" is as soft as heartbreaking i want to jump off a cliff

★"i won't be like them, i wont let you let me be" is actually pushing me off that cliff andrews feelings are a fucking storm

★neil was kidnapped and tortured the day of my bday and that's not a coincidence

★neil's talent to twist the truth in order to convince andrew of anything is outstanding

★excuse me they have no right to be this soft i hate them

★they miss so many opportunities to be funny about the whole "protection" thing

★did he really had a mental breakdown over where to fucking sit on the bus lmao

★"don't come crying to me when someone breaks your face" is the second most awful piece of foreshadowing

★lets be honest for a second andrew should be a fucking writer because all those things he says? edgy myspace pretentious poetry

★im sorry but i don't care about literally anything except neil smiling onto andrew's neck bye

★andrew ghosted a kiss across neil's hip im dead for real

★abby kissed neil's forehead farewell after cleaning all his injuries i have no words he's recieving all the affection he deserves

★cant believe you don't see aaron is fucking worried neil is taking advantage of andrew

★i mean yeah ok don't talk love but neil is sad that nicky thinks it was only hate sex, and he immediately acknowledged it meant more than that to him bc his demi btw wtf does hate sex mean i can't believe you hate someone so much you wanna suck his dick

★they all went horseback riding when will i have a group of friends like that

★"who's humanising who in that relationship" i know right nicky

★kevin locking himself to have a panic attack is the most relatable thing

★the car encounter with ichirou holds the same tension as a mr robot scene

★the proposal of playing olympics and being unstoppable feels like marriage or smth

★neil is literally having his hot girl summer

★i adore neil's overflow of emotions after swallowing everything for so many years. represented, thanks.

★andrew terrorising katelyn who the fuck does he think he is what an annoying asshole

★"did you know i've never been skiing" is the most epic line

★i cheer to the sole mention of laila

★alvares can deck me right now and i would say thank you

★"war is profitable" aaron knows what's up

★sometimes i want to slap them is2g

★that scene at eden's where they are all discussing how roland found out and aaron ends up being the only straight one lmao boy it's your punishment for being so homophobic

★the whole "deadliest piece on the board" spech is 100 times better when you consider kevin was wasted and overly exaggerating every word and gesture

★can you imagine those few fans supporting kevin's new tattoo screaming YAAAAASSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEN while snapping fingers i'm cackling

★matt in court body slamming into anyone that's been a problem to the foxes: VIBE CHECK MOTHERFUCKER

★neil kissed andrew in castle fucking evermore the audacity i adore him

#the foxhole court #the raven king #the kings men #all for the game #tfc #it really fucking wrecked me #how can a fucking book do this to me #my thoughts

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chaoticaddict · 7 years

Text

So I was soldiering my way through the Jurassic Park movies to get to World, and I liveblogged the entirety of 3 to my friend Ian. Join my insanity.

Danni: i’m going to try and make it through jurassic park 3 in my half delusional haze, wish me luck

Ian: Alright! Have fun!

Danni: wait so after all the shit in 1 about not having kids the two didn't hook up are you serious?

Ian: Yep, I guess something between them couldn't get worked out. *shrug*

Danni: WHY DIDN’T SHE HOOK UP WITH GOLDBLUM

THEY HAD CHEMISTRY

Ian: I think Ellie was more amused by Ian than attracted to him.

Danni: “no force on earth or heaven could get me on that island”

have fun going on that island

Ian:"Alan Grant Returns to the Island"

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Danni: pffff

oh this contrived romance in archaeology, hot?

jfc“let’s use the toothbrush” is not something i should ever go “oh boy here’s the forced romance scene” and not only that, but be correct about

don’t say you want to go to the jesus fuck

you should see the face i’m making

Ian: LMAO

Danni: “we want to go somewhere special for our honeymoon"“endangering our lives sounds fun"

THERE WERE PTERODACTLYS

I KNOW I SPELLED IT WRONG BUT I DON’T CARE

THIS SHIT IS SO STUPID

oh of course the money

grant your greed is what got you into this in the first place you fucking moron

can we please go back to malcolm

he was smart

he was so fucking smart

“an hour and a half, not too bad” i told myself

“how do you know the kirbys” “through my church” yeah you look like a churchgoing fellow

HAHAHAH WHAT WAS THAT SHIT

NO NO GO BACK TO THE TALKING RAPTOR

HOLY FUCK

I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON THIS GREENSCREEN I’M JUST LAUGHING TOO FUCKING HARD

Ian: The Kirby's are like your dim-witted next-door neighbors you can't help but love.

Danni: THE TALKING

RAPTOR

TALKING RAPTOR

Ian:"ALAN!" LOL

Totally forgot about that part.

Danni: HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT

THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE

oh god let everyone get eaten

there’s one down

you’re all stupid

Ian: You even want Grant to die?

Danni: this is the kind of stupid shit i expected from 2

GRANT WAS SO BORING

HE DIDN’T EVEN LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES

MALCOLM WAS SMART ENOUGH TO SAY “FUCK THIS” TO EVERYTHING

Ian: So true.

Danni: but seriously what is this cgi

what is this dinosaur doing, hugging his food

yeah you can outrun that thing sure

is this movie TRYING to be a comedy

Ian: Kind of. It's not meant to be taken as seriously as the others.

Danni: i want a “wah wah” button for this movie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC75aU47GRk

this

i want a button with this

i’m going to sad trombone the fuck out of this movie

Ian: Keep that button handy.

Danni: oh trust me i just hit it again

“maybe we should split up” are you shitting me

Ian: Which was better? Alan's dream or this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1aRB_ETfJk

Danni: Grant’s dream hands down

a talking fucking raptor

SAD TROMBONE

he took the eggs

he took the fucking eggs

grant you idiot

Ian: Tsk tsk tsk.

Danni: THERE’S NO WAY HE DIDN'THE TOOK THE EGGS

the phone is not going to work

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THE PHONE WOULD WORK

THERE’S SHIT GROWING ON IT

that raptor is alive

that’s not a display

that’s

SAD TROMBONE

OH MY GOD I WAS JOKING IN THE LAST MOVIE WHEN I SAID THEY LEARNED TO CLIMB

EVEN MY CAT IS LOOKING AT ME LIKE “MOM THE FUCK IS THIS"

Ian: Super raptors!

Danni: i mean okay this is actually a somewhat intelligent move

if you go into a stampede raptors aren’t going to want to follow

oh hey that’s number 3

they don’t waste time in just murdering everyone

Ian: Sad trombone.

Danni: “i’m sure he’s just lying on the ground for fun"

WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED THE RAPTORS SET A TRAP, YOU’RE THE ASSISTANT TO THE MAN WHO JUST CLAIMED EARLIER THAT RAPTORS WOULD HAVE BEEN DOMINANT SPECIES

ANOTHER SAD TROMBONE

oh no… raptors.. don’t like smoke????

jumanji child to the rescue

Bisco just sent me thishttp://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/jeff-goldblum-joins-jurassic-world-sequel-997569Jeff Goldblum Joins 'Jurassic World' Sequel (Exclusive)Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are returning for the follow-up, which will be directed by J.A. Bayona.hollywoodreporter.com

Ian: Perfect Jumanji reference.

Danni: oh good you mention malcolm in this movie just to shit on him when he's the ONLY REASONABLE CHARACTER FUCK YOU MOVIE

I’M GLAD THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A DIVORCED COUPLE REALIZING THEY STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT DINOSAURS

“i’m the assistant and i’m suddenly the villain"i’m going to just make a dubstep remix of sad trombone and put it over this entire movie

Ian: Why do I get the feeling Malcolm is coming back purely because the fans demanded it?

Danni: I’M OKAY WITH THAT TBH

it cannot possibly be worse than what i’m watching right now

Ian: Goldblum: "Fine, I'll do another one! Now shut up already!"

Danni: more like “Ah ah ah alright"

A L L H A I L

Ian: Seriously though, he's probably excited. I get the impression he's fond of those films.

Danni: considering he quoted them in independence day reliving his glory days i would say yes XD

the cell phone in the stomach

the dinosaur is like “buddy can you help me here"

“shit’s annoying i don’t want phone bills"

YEAH JUST INSIST ON GETTING THE BAG BACK

OH WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE TOOK THE RAPTOR EGGS

IT WAS OBVIOUS AS SHIT

THIS MOVIE IS AS SUBTLE AS A BRICK TO THE FACE

Ian: He took the fucking eggs.

Danni: OF COURSE HE DID

BECAUSE WE NEED SOMETHING POOR AND CONTRIVED TO DRIVE THIS CONSIDERING ALL OF THE CHARACTERS ARE FLATTER THAN A PIECE OF PAPER

grant COULD have something to him

that’s what frustrates me

but like nope he gotta be dumb and do it for the money

he can’t be like malcolm and be like FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS and the only reason he went back is to rescue someone he cares about OH LOOK BILLY’S LEAVING EITHER TO TRY AND REDEEM HIMSELF OR BE A DICK, EITHER ONE

MAYBE BOTH

Ian: And Grant isn't even getting money. HA!

Danni: and still finds the time to shit on malcolm

likeeee a prick

okay grant kick the pterodactyl i’m sure it loves that

i’m sure it lOVES that

you fucking maroon

Ian: I know he and Malcolm had different personalities and had an awkward relationship, but I always wondered what Grant had against him. Malcolm stuck up for all the victims while the suits covered everything up.

Danni: exactly

and grant calls him preachy and stuck up even now

you think they would’ve bonded over that shit

DID THE PTERODACTYL JUST LOOK AT US, THE VIEWERS

LIKE “IT’S A LIVING"

“MURDERING PEOPLE"

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THIS RAPTOR EGG STEALING FUCK

NO, HE DESERVED IT, HE WAS JUST LIKE JOHN HAMMOND, YOU WEREN’T WRONG

DON’T ACT LIKE YOU WERE

THAT WAS HIS DIMENSION

Ian: YES THEY ARE!

Danni: IAN I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING STUPIDER

omg the cell phone again

i love that this fucking thing is a fucking plot device

Ian: They went from ripples in the water to cell phone ringtones.

Danni: oh hey, it’s literally the movie, people digging in shit

Ian: OMG, so many Internet forums made that same observation.

I was waiting for you to react to that and I wasn't disappointed.

Danni: so glad you entrusted your fucking life to a child who is going to get distracted by barney

didn’t kirby say it could only make one call. and you used it without his permission to call your old girlfriend in an emergency

you deserve to get eaten

oh and somehow she’s going to put this shit together

Ian: Barney steals the show.

Danni: HOW DID YOU SET THE WATER ON FIRE

Ian: Impressive, right?

Danni: OH GOOD, YOU KILLED THE DAD

A FUCKING PLUS, GRANT

OH NO WAIT HE’S THE LOVE INTEREST

HE’S FINE

I ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPRESSED IF HE HAD DIED

IT WOUDL HAVE SHOWN SACRIFICE AND GROWTH

NOPE

GOTTA HAVE THAT WHIMSY

oh good MORE FORCED FUCKING DIALOGUE BETWEEN A DIVORCED COUPLE

Ian: Are we sure Spielberg didn't direct this one?

Danni: he did not

but. yeah i see your point XD

the whimsy is just as forced

the raptors are back ey

you guys look like shit in this movie

Ian:The ol' *Spielberg dysfunctional family* (TM)

Danni: barking raptors

what the fuck is grant doing

what the fuck was that shit

WHAT IS THE ARMY DOING HERE

Ian: "Summon the eagles! I mean the Marines!" - Gandalf

Danni: OH SOMEHOW BILLY IS ALIVE

FUCK LITERALLY ALL OF THIS

YEAH THEY’RE LEAVING THE GODDAMN ISLAND

THIS IS THE PROBLEM I HAD AT THE END OF TWO

Ian: The pterodactyls?

Danni: MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING AS THEY’RE UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD AGAIN

HOW FUCKING MAJESTIC

I AM TEN TIMES DUMBER THAN WHEN I STARTED THIS MOVIE

Ian: YAYYYY!!!

Danni: CHRIS PRATT YOUR RAPTOR PACK BETTER BE WORTH THIS

Ian: Oh come on, it was at least somewhat fun, right?

Danni: thiiiiis was awful

i feel like my iq dropped

Ian: I remember leaving the theater after my first time watching it and I remember overhearing someone say "That was good, but not enough people died in it."

Danni: PFFFFF

10/10

(but no seriously what the fuck even was this movie)

Ian: Most fans consider JP3 as the "cash-in" sequel.

Danni: i would agree

Ian: For what it's worth though, the same fans agree that Jurassic World redeems it back.

As do I.

~~~~

And then I watched Jurassic World and fucking adored the movie more than the first three. FINALLY.

#talkies #chaoticchats

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