#(- myself but I have Everything planned out. maybe I just need to work out and be active idk I’ve been in a car all day.)

[krirebr]

So, I've been going back and forth about sharing this here but it's really been dominating my thoughts for the last two days, and while I've talked about it a lot with friends, I'm hoping that writing everything down will help me process things. And maybe other people, especially aspec people might be able to relate.

I mentioned on Wednesday that I'd had a really terrible evening that had really shaken and upset me. Below the cut, I want to share what happened.

TWs for references to depression, aphobia, exclusionism, and bad therapy (there's probably a better word for it but I'm not sure what it would be.)

So some of you know that I started this year with a pretty intense depressive episode. It was bad enough that I had to take a leave of absence from work and pretty much spent that whole time crying in bed. It's taken a lot of work over the last few months to get myself back to a more stable place. A big part of that work has been regularly going to therapy.

I went to therapy on and off as a kid and in college, but not at all since then. All of my previous therapeutic experience was long before I came out as aroace. There's a long, ongoing history of aspec identities being medicalized and pathologized and that's something I was very aware of while looking for a therapist this time around. But I was also really desperate for help. So I chose as wisely as I could and crossed my fingers.

I chose a queer therapist who specialized in LGBTQ issues. I told them I was aroace in my first session and while they didn't seem very familiar at all, they also didn't make me overly explain myself or want to focus on that rather than the very real and urgent issues I had come to them for, which is what I'd been most worried about.

As I continued to meet with them weekly, they would sometimes ask questions about it, and while it was pretty clear they didn't really get it, they were respectful about it and it wasn't interfering with the help I actually needed.

That brings me to my appointment this Wednesday. I didn't have anything really pressing to discuss so they asked about my plans for the week and I mentioned that I was getting my hair cut and I was excited because I've been feeling lately like my hair is really hetero (I use that word instead of straight because my hair is so, so curly 😂) and I was looking forward to having queer hair again. They stopped. "Wait," they said, "I'm confused. Why did you use that word to describe yourself?" It had never occurred to them that aspec identities would be considered part of the queer community. They, in fact, had an incredibly narrow definition of the word queer - gay, just gay. And they didn't consider asexuality or aromanticism to be orientations at all.

My memories of the following conversation are pretty jumbled, but some highlights included such chestnuts as "What if you meet the right person one day?", asserting that the A in LGBTQIA+ stands for ally, there has to be a sexual component to romantic relationships, and "everyone has to have attraction, humans are sexual beings." They also said that we should dig into my childhood going forward because they were sure there was something there that caused this. I had a pretty traumatic middle school experience (bullying and some psychosomatic stuff that stemmed from that) and they were pretty eager to blame all that for this.

I became increasingly defensive and combative as this conversation went on (which if you know me, isn't like me at all). It ended with us both feeling very bad and uncomfortable.

I think they kind of came around a little bit by the end. They seemed open to educating themselves and even sent me a link to an article they'd found after our session. And that's great, I guess? But the whole thing made me want to crawl out of my skin. I cried a lot when I got home.

I'm not exactly sure what to do from here. My initial plan was to go next week, talk through what happened, offer some context for why I had gotten so defensive, and discuss together whether this was going to be a good long-term fit. But that's feeling less and less likely the more I think about it (I haven't been able to stop thinking about it). This is just such a big part of who I am. And it's a part of myself that I like and am proud of! And I just can't imagine a situation where I would ever feel safe talking about this aspect of my life with them. And I don't really want therapy where I'm constantly having to censor myself. So do I even go to my next appointment? I really don't know.

I know there's a lot of hopelessness in the aspec community around getting mental health care and I really don't want to add to that. I don't want to believe that we can't get help for our actual issues without mental health professionals just wanting to fix things that don't actually need to be fixed. And I hope that's not the moral or ultimate outcome of this story. I've talked to my very lovely network of queer friends and several of them have already said that they'll reach out to their contacts to find some recommendations for me. I deserve to get the help that I need in a space that is actually safe. And my need isn't as urgent as I was. I can take my time now to find someone I'm fully comfortable with.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared this. I don't always get so personal on here. And some of you have already heard it (thank you for being such good friends, seriously). But it's just been festering inside of me for the past two days and I really needed to share it. Thank you for listening.

#kris gets personal #vent post #kris rambles #asexuality #tw aphobia #therapy #bad therapy

[born-to-lose]

#ok to rb because this handmade meme is good #but i need to vent a bit so you either skip the tags or read my suffering #no i'm not actually gonna kill myself (now) but like. what if i was dead #i just feel like absolute shit and completely helpless with everything and i'm (not even slowly) losing control of myself #i need to work on myself and my issues asap before i get Really Bad but i have no idea where to start #i'm planning to go to the self defence area of this one shop on friday because at this point you need it here if you're out alone #probably getting a pocket knife and i'm highkey scared because i'll have to keep it out of my room just to be safe #or else i can't guarantee that i won't cut myself or even end it for real when i get bad and it's just there on my desk waiting to be used #anyways i closed the 'it is what it is' chapter and i'm now going to spiral out of control #maybe not hopefully. not if i finally do something immediately #mel talks #tw self harm #depressed bitch posting

[kenobihater]

the last remaining threads of my sanity are slipping through my fingers rn 🚬 😑

#i'm out of cigarettes i'm incredibly ill and i'm reconsidering my relationship to a certain fandom. #look i'm NOT saying i'm gonna stop the divorce proceedings but uh. fuck. i may have been re reading some of my older works and unfinished #fics and i MAY. i repeat MAY. have some tiny shred of interest posting about st*r w*rs again #motherfucker i'm SO hesitant to speak that into existence and will be absolutley APOPLECTIC if it happens bc i don't fucking WANNA like sw! #i divorced it! i took the kids (my ocs) & filed a restraining order & crossed state lines & broke all contact and yet! and fucking yet!!!! #i find myself in tags i havent visited in over two years on the archive like some beaten dog slinking back home to a shitty master #i honestly hate like. fucking ALL of the shit i've written from then that i reread and some of it was so bad i couldnt even bring myself to #click on it after reading the summary. like. UGH! i have a half baked fic idea i wrote a little for and i think it's more compelling than #any of the literal dogshit i posted back then so i MIGHT work on polishing that up and posting something that isn't actual garbage by my #current standards. all of this is still up in the air tho bc i dont know if the hyperfixation or even the bare minimum lvl of interest has #returned or if it's just fever induced delirium. i've been having INCREDIBLY fucked up bad horrible awful vivid dreams as of late so fever #induced brain fuckery isn't out of the question. sigh. i'm so mad abt this #even if i do regain some interest in the fandom i don't think i'll have any interest in new source material after the mando s2 finale & #tbo.bf sucking ass & the obi show being mid & everything with the ST. i plan on watching ando.r but after that? zero interest in anything #new from sw. so. if anyone still reading this and is getting excited abt me POSSIBLY MAYBE being interested in sw just know i still hate it #a bit and feel like i'm being dragged kicking and screaming back into this mess unwillingly. or it's due to a fever. god i need a smoke #len speaks #that's literally the longest tag rant i've ever gone on. fuck that's a BAD sign

[konveeart]

I thought last year I made the Art Summary post in January but I played myself. Anyways, Happy New Year!

I figured in early 2023 that I have a difficulty differentiating "want" with "have to". It's a real piece of tangle that became alarmingly obvious in the last months, between end-September to spectacularly turn into an aggressively-flashing-sign in December. I found more balance than I ever have to this date in the first half and by losing it in the second I can confirm what made it work, which is a big win. I am entering 2024 determined, carrying my worries and feeling nervous, but I don't feel desperate. At least, not in art..! For the future.. the pov might heavily rely on my dopamine levels and Vitamin D deficiency.

I drew a lot this year! The difference between sketching and drawing/painting grows in my folders but I've consistently for 2 years kept a "warmup" folder which also grows with a satisfactory level of diligence and fun. I taught myself to draw decent hands (still struggling when they are closed or.. doing more things than fingers being spread-out to show "I am a hand"). I also did a lot of new things!

::Quick Summary

January: launched an enamel pin ks campaign || February: drew a lot of アキ天, zine work & made my first home-made sticker-sheets🍓|| March & April: chibi-style exploration, SK8 sticker-sheets, sketchbook challenge and campaigned another special-merch collaborative project (」*´∇｀)」 || May: Convention time! ..and final zine work for the year (￣▽￣)ゞ || June & July: busy with the ks & packing orders || August: r e s t ♥ (with the best beans! I miss you all!!) || September: revisions, file-sorting, wrap-up commissions, picking up my projects again || October: online-shop run, comic-drafting, life gets busy || November: life is on fire, paperwork, learning to study (and succeeding) but getting tired, trying my best to keep on drawing!! || December: burnout caught up, Christmas cards give me life (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡, escaped to the mountains, pet a lot of cats

Thank you for an adventurous year 🌱 Wishing everyone all the best for the coming one ♥

Fun facts:

I've done a decent amount of work for myself and I plan on doing more! I keep having the difficulty of working out some boundaries for myself but it's improving.

This is not a resolution but if by the end of the year I have not sorted out my files, that's it I'm deleting them...! (bold statement)

Feb-Mar-April I discovered The Pudding Club and GOON and their music gave me so much energy! This is one of my favorite songs and makes me do a little dance every time I hear it~

What steadily led me to burn-out by December was denying myself wind-down time, daily, for four months (if not more). I remember feeling anxious in Jan - April for making so much work and still going. "Can it really be this good? Is this normal??". But the seedling sprouted and I took good care of it, despite my worries. I intend to keep taking care of it with more diligence. Sleep and food are necessities, and so is play.

#art summary 2023 #yearly art meme #art summary #I managed to do so many things..! #Some are in the works and not finished- but they are getting baked and that's awesome #I feel so tired eeee..!! #I spent an hour writing this and I am still not entirely happy EHEH.. Maybe just stop poking at it #Nearly made it CV like and i was laughing at myself #i NEED more energy this year.. figure out how I spend it to be precise #I am so excited and have so many plans.. can't contain everything.. aaaAA! #fake brain energy- I feel like sleeping but get so excited over everything I want to create!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BODY COOPERATE!! #please I need the day to be longer ..! #thank you for coming to my tag talk

[salsflore]

ummmm

#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~ #my favorite image on this device btw ^ #cw negative #cw vent #you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than- #-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so #but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but #my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i- #-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something- #-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because- #-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles- #-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all #i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me #i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years- #-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and- #-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great- #-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do? #how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time? #i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though #so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun- #-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!! #how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol #everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit #i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden

[robyn-goodfellowe]

everything has been so fast lately i need time to just stop for a little

#preferably on. 02:19. so i can sleep! thank you #really though it’s like i’ve been so busy i’ve no time to do anything For Me lately #everything has been like work. and school. and plans with my friends. and coursework and like ITS SO FUN but also #i have had no allotted robyn time and it’s starting to get to me i think . i haven’t written anything substantial in weeks if it #hasn’t been for class. and like again i’m having fun! i’m so excited for everything coming up and it’s nice to be so busy and productive #but also AAAAHHHH AAAAHHHH SOMETHING IS ALWAYS HAPPEBING #it’s like so hard to maintain like #school AND work AND social life AND online life AND me time #like one or two of them always ends up struggling #and again i’m having so much fun but 😫😫 i really just need to be alone for a day i think! and take it easy #but. idk. i’m also enjoying myself IM NOT COMPLAINING it’s just like wow i can’t remember the last time i took myself out somewhere nice to #write… i haven’t been to my favorite teahouse in a minute 😔 maybe next weekend. idk. i think i have stuff then too!!!! #rambling #also something bad happened and i ended up having to chop off a part of my hair #and i have been taking it as well as you’d expect (cannot handle unplanned change) #it’s so small you can’t even notice. BUT I CAN FEEL IT ABD ALSO IT MAKES ME SAD! ok goodnight

[pepprs]

alt*rnative spr*ng br*ak day 1. i need to be on campus in 3.5 hours. i have packed nothing and have done no laundry. i have not prepared for any of the facilitation i need to do today. i am experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety and burnout ♥️

#this is my first time ever doing an in person asb and also my first time being part of the asb planning process and i am soooooo nervous and #unprepared and overwhelmed. and i volunteered myself as the staff member staying at the hotel making sure no one gets into trouble and #responding to crises / emergencies if they arise and i may be assigning more importance / weight to that role than there actually is given T #that they are all college students and i am less than a year removed from being a college student myself. but i am so nervous i want to #redacted. and i am not prepared for the situations that might arise. at all whatsoever. lollllll #purrs #btw unlike the retreat tag or the conferences im name dropping asb bc like every school has them and a lot of schools have spring break this #week. so i am not doxxing myself 😈 (and i didn’t need to tell u that but im doing it lol. aaaaand post) #delete later #also the amount of stress i have been under lately w work is like. actually insane and we are not getting a break (though i should take one #lol) but after this is over i will have my life back a little bit maybe and i hate to say im looking forward to it so much but i am. i just #want to rest and recover. it’s literaly been nonstop since we were abandoned in july (lol) and i feel so crushed by the weight of everything #we’ve been carrying and how much responsibility i have had to take on in my FIRST YEAR!!!!!!!!! and i would’ve gone crazy if i hadn’t takej #on big responsibilities ofc bc of my mental illness <3 but the impostor syndrome + the relentlessness intensifying every single day are just #so so so heavy to carry. and i can feel my mind and body and heart giving out but i have to keep pushing forward

[buysomecheese]

Fellas, tell me-

Is it very ESTJ, 6w5, 269 tritype of me to kin Upside Down & Inside Out (OK Go), Humpty Dumpty (AJR), Belonger (Maxton Waller), It’s Called: Freefall (Rainbow Kitten Surprise), Northern Attitude (Noah Kahan), All’s Well That Ends (Rainbow Kitten Surprise), Upside Down (Jack Johnson), I Won’t Let You Down (OK Go), Real Men (Mitski),? Is it?

#anyways if you know anything about enneagrams or grottoes or mbti please. tell me about myself (/nf) #(/nf) #the rest of my tags are venting feel free to ignore those #I’m not going through anything rn #I’m feeling totally fine #(I want to Punch some Certain People in the ducking stomach) #(I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in Months and I’ve been literally feeling entirely fine and I’m healthier than ever otherwise so-) #(- I’m worried about that. I think English is incredibly fucking stupid as a class. I cannot Wait until college. this is such a period of-) #(- growth and change for me. I’m getting a job. I might ask someone out. I still can’t drive and I’m upset about that. I know who I want-) #(- be friends with now. things are coming together and I am weeding out things that are bad for me. I’m so derealized half of the time and-) #(- it contradicts with everything else going on so strongly. I wish people would own up to their faults and not take on more than they can-) #(- handle. I have so much confidence in myself and my abilities but I don’t think I’m worth anything. I know what I deserve but that’s-) #(- the bare minimum and nothing more. I know that if I Left today I’d believe that everyone would love on within the week but I also know-) #(- there are people and organizations that would Not work the same or nearly as smoothly as they do now. I don’t know what to do with-) #(- myself but I have Everything planned out. maybe I just need to work out and be active idk I’ve been in a car all day.) #estj #6w5 #269 tritype #what is a #tritype

[deanncastiel]

so i may or may not have uh, obtained the videos to make the gifs. the question is will i 🤔🤔🤔

#look i love gifmaking i truly do #but i need it to not feel like a race to get everything out there as quickly as possible #bc i inevitably fail #and while i was fairly successful in not participating in this race bc i know that it's not good for me #i gif at my own pace thank you very much (or at least.. i did lol) #i was still feeling it A LOT #but honestly lbr i was burning myself out with all of these ideas but never having the capacity or energy to get to all of them #(or any of them really) #and then i would make myself feel bad bc i would have all these ideas and then never get to them and it was a vicious cycle #anyway all this word vomit is to say that... maybe... sometime soon..... sure... #literally have a buck set that i was working on for MONTHS that i honestly don't think i'll finish #bc it was part of this series i had planned and the amount of work that would have to go into it just exhausts me #eloquently put love #bri's adventures in photoshop

[theood]

I get why of course but I also really do not care about trying to force people to sign up for rewards and push donations on them and then also force app downloads all to match a quota/set number because some guy in the Big Office said so like. Not to sound like I'm old and hate technology but the fact I've now been on both sides of this 99% of the time I can guarantee you the customer wanted to get out of there 5 minutes ago and nobody likes doing this and if they REALLY wanted to join the rewards program they'd of done it on their own already.

Or.

They're old and ANOTHER app in their name and on their phone is just going to confuse them more. Where I am working now they STOPPED and or are stopping sending out physical coupons like. I don't know who you think your main customers are but not doing mail out coupons for people and or rewards members is making you lose a good chunk of your customers but okay

#like im already being uhm pressured? to Do It More and I was also pushed super heavily yesterday to push our donations even more bc we had #to get rid of them and thats just. its not me man. its technically part of my job but im not a persuasive person i dont have the skills or t #alk to transfer someone to our app. I really truly just want to scan their items and get them out bc thats what 99% of people want sorry #for not Pushing Myself and Going Above And Beyond #it's like. Im selling warranty's wrong. And I get that one more but also. People dont really want to spend more money. I ask if they would #like to purchase a warranty to protect the item. But thats wrong amd I need to be saying its a Total Protection Plan and a Money Back #Guarantee and covers Everything. Oh and yeah its almost half the product. Yeah ik those headphones were 6.99 um the warranty is 20.00 dollar #s. Yeah. Oh also join our app. Are you an app user? Yeah everything's on our app you need to download it. Nothings physical anymore. LOL! Al #so can you donate today? Donate. Donate now we NEED to get rid of these. No we can't just give them away!! We can't profit from that! LOL! #elias.wip #ig it's that #capitalism is a hellscape and sorry for being a peak doesnt want to work entitled zoomer who doesnt care and only wants to do the bare #minimum but I just..... I dont want to do this. no one does and also some people just arent persuasive and that shouldn't mean i cant work #there. the quota shouldn't rely on Just Me. It should be achievable if even one worker is doing it. #idk -_- maybe im just a bad worker actually and I'll never make it in a corporate setting and i should just go into fast food and want t #o kill myself everyday instead but then I'm not pushed to upsell products and services as much #i was made to download the app to be 'able to help new members' i dont fucking shop here/i/ didnt want it. #maybe this is just my depression lol! and I'm just not motivated enough but man. if youre gonna have me on register again all day just let m #e make the idel small talk and 'do tou want a bag :)? Havw a nice day!' and not. pushing 3 different things to every customer

[smithsparker]

i ! want ! friends !

#i can feel myself slipping into this fuckin. mood that i have every summer #which is that everything sucks and i hate my life #i just. have nothing planned except for work. and i already wanna kms every time i think about going to work #so thats fun. i guess. #and i mean i suppose i have friends. but im too scared to ask anyone to make plans w me #i should ask z. she probably would like to but idk dude what if shes busy. or just doesnt want to travel across the country #i dont fucking KNOW #god im so glad i have therapy wednesday jesus #need to lay this shit out and just let her at it and just tell me that i need to stop being a baby and ask my friends to do stuff w me #and ill be like 'yeah ur right' and still be scared as shit but maybe ill do it. ugh #see yall wednesday folks we'll see how it went #sas.txt

[zentraex]

Summary: You made a lot mistakes in your new job, but do you regret them? Nope, not a bit. But who can blame you for it? If you wouldn't have done them, you never would have met this pretty boy.

Remember: German Grammar is a lot different then English grammar. I apologize for any mistakes.

Pairing: Francis Mosses (doppelganger) x gn! Reader

(A/N): I usually write for mha, but this men dominates my fyp on TikTok and I can't stop grinning like an idiot about all this fanarts. My men is just too attractive for his own good. Nevertheless, Tumblr has too few fanfictions for him, so I had to do it myself. Still, I am not that proud about how it turned out. It certainly sounded better in my head, but I don't care. One shitty fanficion is better than none.

Art by @asteriscks on TikTok

This game is not mine, but Ignacio Alvarado. I also used phrases from the game.

Mistakes? Yes, but no regrets.

It's been a week since you started working for D.D.D as a doorman. 

You can remember your first day so well, it could have been yesterday. 

Well... probably because your life is constantly at stake. 

_

It started with a mistake that you ended up here. It was completely unexpected since you always made sure, that you sent your rent to the right account. 

Surely no one can blame you for a small typo, right?

Well, your landlord, who kept pounding on your door until you woke up, surely did.

"What?" you asked, annoyed, as you opened the door.

"When do you plan to finally pay your bill? The date has already been overdue for two weeks!" he complains. 

What?

"Sorry, but I've already transferred my money to you."

"Well, I didn't get anything. Do you still have the receipt for the transfer?"

"No..."

You already knew what that meant: double payment.

"Look, today, I'll transfer it to your account again, okay? If it doesn't work this time, it's not my fault."

You were about to close the door, but your landlord had other plans when he held the door open with his foot.

 "No no no. You will give me the money now. I don’t trust you. Why would you transfer it to me today, when it should have happened two weeks ago. You will give it to me now."

Your eyes widened. 

Now?

"But I don't have that much money in my hand? Who's got that?"

"Then I'll have to kick you out for now. But don't worry, no one is going to buy an apartment here anytime soon, so you can move right back in as soon as you give me the money."

Staring stunned at his smiling face you could have sworn you were about to hit him. 

"The keys?" 

With watery eyes, you grabbed your keys, placed them in his outstretched hand, and frowned.

What kind of person had such sharp fingernails as he does?  

You were sure that he could definitely have stabbed someone with them.

Thank God, I didn't hit him. 

"When do you plan to give me the money? I've heard that all banks closed today. Some kind of holiday among them, I've heard."

What!?

How were you going to get through the day today? You intentionally left everything in your apartment since you were so sure that you could have given the money to your landlord in a matter of minutes. 

"You’re telling me this now!?"

"If you had paid, you wouldn’t need to know." 

That filthy bastard.

No matter how angry you were at that moment, your panic was overweighting.  

What were you going to do now? 

Shit.

"Man, I really wouldn't want to be in your situation...", the landlord murmured.

Fuck the nails- This guy deserves a punch.

Just as you raised your fist, he speaks again.

"But maybe we can agree on something.

Then you stopped. 

"The D.D.D., which is responsible for the safety of all residents in this area, is looking for doormans. Ours has recently...quitted, which is why we are urgently looking for one. They pay three times the amount of your rent in a week. If you take the job, I can overlook your sloppiness this time."

Three times your rent? In a week? And for what? To sit there and check a few documents. You'd be crazy not to take the offer! 

"Okay. I'll do it. Where can I apply?"

"Don't worry, I'll sort it out for you. Tomorrow, you can start”

_

Looking back, it should have been clear to you that something was wrong. Starting with the sudden his sudden threat, the fingernails and this stupid story about the holiday of the banks. 

Maybe it was just because you were too panicked at that moment to think rationally.

But let’s be true here: when are you thinking rationally? If you did, you would certainly have quitted after your first day.

_

"Welcome and congratulations on your new job."

After watching the short video, a man in the yellow suit came to your window. You are so shocked that you can’t even answer.

I'm going to die today!

After all, you know it yourself: you're too gullible for the job. There's no chance you'll unmask a doppelganger who copies someone well.

“As you could see on the introductory film, your job is to verify the entry of the neighbors of your building. Each day there will be a list of individuals who will request entry to the building. It is possible that there are individuals who request entry and aren’t on the list. In which case you will mark on the checklist that they are not on the list and proceed to question the individual. Also, you must verify that the ID and the entry reqest are correct and have the respective D.D.D. logo. Don’t forget to also check the expiration on the IDs. Remember it’s Febuary 1955."

Your gaze wanders to the note that was stuck to the wall. 

Arnold Schmicht F02 – 01

Anastacha Mikaelys F02 – 04

Robertsky Peachman F01 – 02

Steven Rudboys F03 – 03 

Mia Stone F03 – 01

Rafttellyn Cappuccin F03 – 04

Admittedly, you don't know any of your neighbors, neither by character nor really by sight. You were never the type to care about your neighbors. 

"I wish you good luck."

C’mon Reader, be like Henry…

But better.

The first inhabitant was Mia Stone and you already started to sweat.

"Good evening."

Was she real? Was she a doppelganger? 

With shaky hands, you reached for her ID and entry pass, only to find that everything was fine. She was also on today's list and her appearance doesn't show any deviations either, right?

Just to be sure, you looked into the folder that described her appearance: 

Long hair

Small round nose

She has freckles

...

...

...

Freckles?

Your eyes wandered again to the woman in front of you, who was waiting patiently behind the window. 

You narrowed your eyes a little and leaned forward to get a better view of her.

No matter how long you stared at her, you didn't see them, her freckles. 

"You look different...", you murmur after a while.

"What's wrong with my appearance? I think everything is fine with my appearance."

Her photo on her ID and Entry Pass both have no freckles. 

Perhaps a mistake on the part of the D.D.D.? 

You're about to press the green button, but then you see her grinning slightly out of the corner of your eye. 

Shit. 

She almost had you. You're really not made for this job.

Your hand slammed hard against the red button, causing the siren to blare and the metal window to crash down. 

"3312," you murmur to yourself.

"You have contacted the D.D.D.. A group of agents has been sent to your building. Please wait for the cleaning protocol to run."

Cleaning protocol? 

What happens to those who were cleaned? They certainly won't be killed, will they? 

What if they will?

What if your judgment was wrong?

What if...

Your thoughts were interrupted as the siren fell silent and the metal window went up, only to reveal the yellow man.

"Cleaning protocol completed. You can continue your job."

It took a while until someone finally came again. 

This time, your heart was pounding faster. Significantly faster. And this time, you can't even say for sure that it's all out of fear. 

Milkman...

You definitely can't deny it: he's probably one of the most attractive men you've ever seen. 

You don't even have to look at today's checklist to tell he's not on it – a face like his would have caught your eye right away. 

"Francis Mosses, huh?" you murmured to yourself as you looked at his ID. "You're not on today's list."

"I’m not on today’s list because I had to leave due to an emergency."

Long nose

Thin chin

Tired eyes

Short hair

Wears a hat

It all fit. The only thing left now was a call. 

Just as you began to spin the wheel of the phone, he said, "You're new here, aren't you? I've never seen you here before."

"Yes, today is my first day."

"Must be hard, huh? I've heard that more and more doppelgangers are appearing and they are becoming more and more error-free. It would be a shame if such a pretty face as yours were to disappear forever."

Your cheeks turn red and suddenly you feel shyer than you actually are.

"B-But your job has to be hard as well. I didn't think that being a milkman would rob you so much sleep."

Francis smiles a little. So little that you almost didn't see it at all.

"It's not. I just stay up for a very long time. If you like, I can bring you some milk sometime. It's refreshing, calms the nerves."

You bite your lip slightly when you have to refrain from a question.

What milk do you mean exactly?

My God, why were you just such a sucker for handsome men?

"I'd be delighted, Francis."

You talked to him for a while and you quickly forgot that you were actually going to call someone. 

"I'd like to talk to you more, but I don't want to stop you from your work. I'll see you tomorrow, right, Reader?"

And you quickly forgot that you never told him your name. 

You pressed the green button.

_

"Shh," whispered the voice of Francis next to your ear. 

It was your third day, your third time to change shift.

Well, it usually would have been.

Your vision and mouth were blocked by the bloody hands of the doppelganger who claimed to be Francis.

He had killed the doorman, that should have taken over your shift.

You had to admit, that you were more than inconsiderate. After all, you didn't ask for his entry pass, nor the reason why he wasn't on today's list.  

"I'll let you go now, yeah? No wrong move, okay?"

He laughed softly as he released his hands from you and turned your chair, so you were facing him. 

"We don't want to hurt you, do we, Reader?"

The sentence shouldn't have given you hope, because after all, you were more than sure that you were going to die one way or another.

Maybe you should have shown a little resistance. For your honor, but....

Oh?

He is so close to you that you can practically feel his body heat. Or was it your own? Your face, despite your situation, was burning. 

Even though he said he was letting you go, his hands ran over your body and you couldn't deny that it did something to you. 

Were you so shameful?

"Actually, I wanted to wait, but I couldn't take it anymore.  I've been patient long enough, haven't I? It was so much work for me, to let you get this job."

You didn't know what to say. Honestly, you didn't know if you would even be able to answer him. 

His breath touched your throat as he spoke, "I think I deserve this, don't I? What do you say, Reader? Do I deserve my reward?”

If you were going to die anyway, why not enjoy the last few minutes?

Regardless of whether he was a doppelganger, he had lived up to his title as "Mlikman" that night.

_

"You killed the real Francis Mosses?" you asked the next day. 

Francis grins, almost so much so that his real form was threatening to show itself.

"Yes, of course. What would have happened if he had come before me? You would have sent the D.D.D. after me."

Well, he had a point, huh?

No matter how wrong it was, you were glad it didn't come to that. 

You didn't know the real Francis Mosses. That's probably why his death was so insignificant to you.

"Have you killed more people?"

"Just more doppelgangers you let through."

Your eyes widened. 

You were so sure you caught them all. The false success was the reason why you didn't quit…well, it was one of the reasons.

"How many have I let through?"

Francis just continues to wear his smirk as he gives you a kiss on the forehead.

"Don't rack your pretty head over it, okay?"

You just nod, smiling.

"Are you going to kill others...?

You don't know why you added your next question. Probably because you wanted to feel special. 

"Would you kill for me?"

"Hooooonn"

When you turn your gaze to his face, two white pupils stared at you and his grin is inhumanly wide and black. 

You don't know if it's joyful or sadistic, but it definitely made you feel special.

_

Looking back, you made more than a few mistakes. 

But honestly? 

You don't regret a single one of them. After all, all of them have led to an all-too-familiar knock on your window.

When you look up, he waves, the milkman. 

#francis mosses #francis mosses x reader #francis mosses x you #x reader #x gn reader #x you #x y/n #yandere #milkman #milkman x reader #that's not my neighbor x reader #yandere francis mosses #yandere milkman

[roosterbox]

Had this random thinky thought the other day.

Pre-S4 Steddie are dating. Have been for a decent amount of time. They haven’t told everyone, but a few people know (Robin, Dustin). The thing, though, is that Wayne doesn’t know. Oh, he knows that Eddie has a boyfriend. He’s seen Eddie’s eyes light up like stars when he starts talking about this boy. About how beautiful he is. About how strong he is. And, most often, about how kind he is. After the buildup he’s been given, Wayne is pretty positive there’s no way for this mystery boy to live up to Eddie’s description. Especially with how loveblind his nephew is. But if the way Eddie lights up at the mere thought of him is any indication, he must be something special.

“Invite him over for dinner sometime, son. I’m dyin’ to meet this guy.”

Eddie agrees. And plans are made. But for whatever reason, said plans fall through. And keep falling through.

But then.

The events of S4 happen.

Steve manages to save Eddie, like he should have done in canon (but I digress). They end up in the hospital, and someone gets in touch with Wayne, who shows up almost immediately. And who does he see at his unconscious (severely injured) nephew’s bedside but Steve fucking Harrington.

Now I’m not saying that Wayne assumes the absolute worst upon seeing ‘King Steve’ Harrington in that room (the worst being that Steve has something to do with Eddie’s condition), but he does make his assumptions based on what he knows and remembers about Steve’s parents (especially his dad). Said assumptions are… not great.

He basically kicks Steve out. And Steve just… goes. Robin tries to protest on his behalf, but Steve tells her it’s okay. “Eddie needs him now,” he says.

Eddie doesn’t wake up for several days. Any time Wayne isn’t with him, Steve sneaks in. And gets kicked out again when Wayne comes back. Wayne, for his part, is getting more and more exasperated with his dedication.

But then Eddie wakes up, finally. Wayne and Dustin are there when he does. The latter leaves to give Eddie and Wayne their privacy for a tearful reunion, but he also calls Steve. A little while later, Steve shows up. He and Wayne lock eyes, and Wayne bristles a bit. He’s straightening up, preparing to kick him out yet again, before Eddie turns. And his entire face lights up in a brilliant smile. His eyes sparkle like twin stars.

“Stevie!” He says, imbuing the name with more emotion than Wayne ever expected.

Steve almost trips over his own feet to get to Eddie’s bedside, where he takes Eddie’s hand in his, twining their fingers together. He looks like he might cry.

And Wayne suddenly understands everything.

He lets them talk for a moment. They’ve seemingly forgotten he’s even there. There are soft loving affirmations, sweet names, and maybe even a kiss or two, before he clears his throat. The boys spring apart (Steve springs, at least), but don’t let go of each other’s hands.

“I really wish we could have gotten to meet each other over dinner instead, boys,” he says, gruff as always.

Steve looks nervous, but Eddie’s just embarrassed.

“Uhm,” Steve starts.

Wayne gently cuts him off. “I think you and I might have gotten off on the wrong foot.” And that wrong foot is entirely on me, he thinks.

Eddie looks between the two of them, confused.

“That’s okay,” Steve is quick to say. “You were just-“

Wayne cuts him off again, moving to the other side of the bed, hand outstretched.

“Wayne Munson.”

Steve hesitates, exchanging a glance with Eddie (who’s still terribly confused), before taking Wayne’s hand with his free one, shaking it.

“Steve Harrington,” he says as if Wayne didn’t recognize him on sight a few days prior.

“It’s nice to meet you Steve.” Wayne smiles. “Nice to finally see for myself the kid who makes Eddie smile like that.”

There are further discussions to be had. Eddie is angry (and a little heartbroken) to discover what’s been going on while he slept (“YOU KICKED HIM OUT HOW MANY TIMES???”), but in the end, it all works out. Eddie’s name is cleared. He (and everyone else!) makes a full and complete recovery (plus a few gnarly scars). And Wayne finally, finally, gets to sit down to dinner with his nephew, and his nephew’s boyfriend.

#stranger things #steddie #wayne munson #wayne munson my beloved #Wayne is a saint #but he’s also a bit protective #Steve doesn’t hold it against him #he knows better than anyone the person he used to be #also pre s4 Steddie my beloved

[cheapshrimpysheep]

You Will Stop the Wedding! - Leona Kingscholar

SUMMARY: YOU were the one being kidnapped by Princess Eliza to marry her. How would he react and how would he save you? With the aggravation of he already having a crush on you.

CHARACTERS: Leona Kingscholar  x Reader

TAGS: Fluff; GN Reader; Declaration

WORD COUNT: 870 words

Riddle Rosehearts / Leona Kingscholar / Azul Ashengrotto / Jamil Viper / Vil Schoenheit / Idia Shroud / Malleus Draconia

Rescuing You - Deuce Spade; Jack Howl; Floyd Leech; Kalim Al-Asim

COMMENTS: What have I done? Why did I commit to writing this? And why did I write so much? Why was I so inspired? There were seven of them! Why do I do this to myself? So yeah, this took me a long time. But I hope it was worth it, for me and for you.

CONTEXT: Someone was kidnapped to marry some ghost princess and might end up turning into a ghost too. And he just found out that someone was you.

Leona couldn't care less about someone being kidnapped by a delusional princess, until he finds out that the student who was kidnapped was YOU.

He is shown to be more interested in the subject after that, which makes the other Housewardens question and some even messing with him. Probably Vil and Azul. He tells them to shut up.

He ends up not being part of the first groups, being in the last. Why? Because this is important, it is your life that is at risk after all. So he first needs to analyse those ghosts to know the best way to act. If it is necessary to risk losing pieces, then let them be pawns.

The whole time he acts like he's not doing this for you. As if he just wanted to prove that he could solve this in an instant. When it's the last group's turn, the other three who are with them end up staying behind to stall the guards. And he is the only one who can reach the ceremony hall.

And he follows the plan. He says to stop the wedding and the reason why the princess should marry him and not you is: “Unlike everyone who tried to woo you and unlike the person standing with you at the altar right now, I am actually royalty. Weren't you looking for a prince? Well, you have one right here. Now you just need to exchange that herbivore you have with you for me.”

The princess said he had good arguments, but she also showed that she didn't really like Leona's presumption.

“I apologize. I'm just trying to show you that I would be the more suited partner for you. The person you chose to be your partner doesn't even want to be there with you. Doesn't even like you.”

She gasps! And she starts to defend herself saying that it's a lie, that there is love for her in you, you just needed a little more time.

“Sorry to be the one to break the bad news to you, Your Highness, but that's not how it works. It is not after marriage that love arises. It is not with money and wealth that love arises. At least not true love. You should find someone who sees beyond that. May they see you for who you are and not for what you have. Someone who doesn't care about titles. And only then, maybe marry them. Knowing that with or without your kingdom, they will stay by your side.”

The princess admits that what he says makes sense and is wonderful. But wouldn't something like that take a long time? Someone who can prove that they would stay with you no matter what. How would she know when she found them? And then, the guard who is in love with her decides to declare himself. And that whole ending of the princess realizing that she loved him too happens, they get married and happily ever after.

After everything, he took the time to brag to the others about having solved the problem and saved them all and the school. Some of the others still comment that that speech was very interesting. Maybe true? But with all his pride, he continues to say that just goes to show what a good actor he can be. He just doesn't get Vil's roles because he's not interested. “You would wish.” Vil replies.

When everyone was leaving and only the first-years were left to clean everything, Leona calls you for a minute. “So the ring ended up not being needed in the end. Tsk.” he comments “Here, you can have it.” He throws the ring towards you like throwing a coin in the air. “You never know if there are more single ghosts out there looking for a herbivore partner. Ha ha ha.”

He likes to mess with you, so you mess with him back. You say you wonder if the ghosts are the only ones who would like to have you as their partner.

“Are you implying that I'm also interested in you?” He smirks. In response, you ask why he would go to so much trouble to save someone he doesn't care about. “Did I ever say I didn't care about you?” He says, still smirking, but then adds: “Before I really know you don't count.”

Slightly fed up with all these mixed signals, you tell him that if he wants to tell you something now would be the time. Especially because if he just continues with those comments, you will simply accept the excuses he gives and understand that he really doesn't like you that way.

“Are you going to tell me that you don't like it when I'm hard to put up with?” he keeps saying with his smug face.

You turn to drop the conversation and walk away. After about three steps, he grabs your hand, stopping you and then pulling you towards him. His other hand on your waist.

“Fine, fine. What if I told you that whole speech was about you?” Maybe if he repeats it, looking into your eyes, you'll believe it. “Unfortunately for you, Savanaclaw is a dorm of actions, not words.” And he kisses your lips.

If you would like to read more from me, you can find it in my pinned post: INDEX

#Twisted Wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #disney twisted wonderland #twst imagines #twst wonderland #twst fluff #Twisted Wonderland Fluff #Ghost Marriage #The Phantom Bride: Love at First Fright #Leona Kingscholar #Leona Kingscholar x Reader #Leona x Reader

[doctor-wombat]

.

#second rant post of the night woot woot #sorry in advance if anyone reads this I don’t mean to be a downer #but I can’t stand myself and I need to get this out somewhere #it feels like it’s gonna swallow me whole #I just hate everything about me #why can’t I do even the basic things #why am I slipping on every aspect of my life right now #I’m trying so hard to keep it all together and to be better but it’s falling apart anyways #and I’m still the same piece of shit I’ve always been #it’s like no matter how hard I try to be better I just keep getting worse #becoming a worse person a worse friend and worse daughter #and like I can’t even take care of myself? I’m fucking pathetic #barely working and I’m so overwhelmed and stressed and can barely make plans #which is so pathetic people work way more without whining and carrying on like I do #i wish someone would just slap me #fucking deck me #maybe that would knock some of this self pity out of me #I have to stop wallowing I’m such a bitch why can’t I just DO things #fuck #tw: self hatred

[ambrosiagourmet]

Did Laios have a plan

... when he made his deal with the Lion? How much of it was intentional and how much of it was out of his control?

Well. If I'm being honest I don't really want to try and provide a definitive answer to that question, because I think the ambiguity is, itself, part of the story. I've gone back and forth a few times myself, and I don't think either category - "fully intentional" or "fully coincidence" - is entirely true.

That being said, I would like to point out a few things that I've seen taken for granted as true. Things that, imo, are much more about the character's perspective, or about what the character WANTS people to think (well, that's really just the Winged Lion).

Consider this not exactly an argument for "Laios masterminded everything from the start and saved the world with his cunning," but more... "Laios considered what he was doing more than people give him credit for." Make sense?

Alright then, let's go:

So to start with, I want to show every time (that I could find, at least) that the question of 'does Laios have a plan' gets brought up. This is specifically after his Ultimate Monster Form is revealed, to be clear - the question isn't about if he has a plan in general, it is if he has/had a plan when he made this specific deal with the Lion.

Here they are:

-

-

You'll notice, in all of these instances, there never really is an answer given to the question. Either because there is no way to get one, or, with Kabru at the end there, because he explicitly doesn't let Laios answer. There's even a bit of an arc here: we start with a sort of desperate 'I've mostly given up but maybe this isn't as bad as it looks,' then get a more optimistic 'maybe we really are saved,' and finally end on 'it all worked out in the end, so we maybe don't need to know.'

But, as much as there is some genuine growth in Kabru's 'accept the outcome, rather than dissecting the truth,' I also think it says a lot more about him than about Laios. Kabru is the one trying to handle his questions and his uncertainty - as he said, he wants to confirm his judgement of character. He wants to feel like he had control over things.

And he lets that go! But he also doesn't actually get the truth, either, and his implied assumption here (that Laios, the wide-eyed monster-lover, probably just followed his desires), still relies on his judgements and assumptions about Laios.

But okay, these bits are all focused on the characters theorizing about Laios. How about we look at the character who actually tells us the facts ("facts"): the Winged Lion.

The Winged Lion has quite a bit to say about Laios and his monster form.

He says that Laios hates humanity, and would rather be a monster

I've talked about this a bit already, but the Lion makes a lot of claims and assumptions about Laios that aren't necessarily true.

First of all, let's just make sure we clearly establish that the Lion is being manipulative here. That may seem obvious, but it's important to understand that there is a difference between 'the truth' and 'a version of the truth specifically framed to prey upon your deepest shame and insecurities about what you really want.'

To point out a few quick-and-dirty contradictions here:

If Laios really hated all other humans, then the Lion wouldn't hinge so many of his other arguments on Laios' love for Falin and his friends.

the Lion claims that Laios "[doesn't] even care enough about the future of [the] world to express an opinion about it," even though Laios has literally expressed opinions on what he wants for the world, to the Lion's face.

In general, the Lion does not make a distinction between urges and choices (see, for instance: him using Marcille's subconscious fear of the canaries as a way to keep her from stopping the monsters from attacking in chapter 86).

I'm not saying there is not a piece of truth here, but also... we are not our darkest thoughts, and we especially are not those thoughts as defined by someone who wants to hurt and control us.

But let’s move on to the stuff the Lion claims about Laios once he has been turned into his monster form.

2. He says that (or rather, acts like) Laios is under his control

The Lion really enjoys grandstanding about how Monster Laios is an ultimate tool he has control over. He gloats about making Laios fight the others, and has him smash through the magical barrier.

But smashing the barrier is kinda the only thing that Monster Laios actually does for the Lion. He doesn't attack anyone. He doesn't hurt his friends, despite Chilchuck thinking that Laios has "turned completely into a monster." And he certainly doesn't simply let the Lion go through with his plan to eat everyone.

This barrier smashing is actually an interesting and odd thing for Laios to have done specifically, so remember that one. I'll come back to it later.

But, yeah, to the original point... despite the Lion's dramatics, all that Monster Laios does is pose, smash up a magic barrier, and then eat him. Not exactly under his control.

AND SPEAKING OF EATING THE DEMON...

3. He frames Laios attacking and eating him as thoughtlessly violent

This one is pretty funny to me, and the Lion keeps it up for the whole scene. I'm not sure how much of this is his genuine understanding of the situation, and how much is him intentionally framing things in the most insulting manner, but like... truly. The ego involved in this. To see someone who has, multiple times, tried to stand against you - someone who has literally wished for your non-existence, to your face - to see this person attack you, specifically, and have your first reaction be 'huh, I guess he's a reckless weirdo to the core???'

Incredible stuff.

And this part, too:

He claims that Laios can't recognize anyone, that he's out of control. And yet, the Lion is the only person that gets eaten here. He is Laios' singular target.

Hell, Laios even specifically attacks one of the bodies that is actively hurting Chilchuck. I don't know if that was entirely intentional on Laios' part, but I do think it's notable.

The Lion torments Laios' friend, and when Laios does something that interrupts that action, the Lion reframes it as unhinged violence. I don't know, there's something here about the way that cruel people only talk about the things people do to resist them as violent, and ignore the violence that causes such resistance in the first place.

In any case, the main point is that the Lion insists on treating Laios like an unthinking animal during this fight, despite the fact that Laios is clearly trying to accomplish something here.

And what exactly is Laios trying to accomplish? Well, the Lion isn't entirely wrong. Laios is trying to eat something. He tells us as much.

And truly, everything Laios does as a monster points to this. He had a goal. And he accomplished it.

Let me back up a moment. I need to explain smashing the barrier.

So, Laios first starts considering how to kill the Lion when he is confronted with the fact that his only other choice would be to kill Marcille. Immediately and entirely discarding that solution, because of course he does, he tries to wrap his head around what defeating the Lion would even look like.

He clearly continues thinking about this, as a nearly identical conversation happens a few chapters later, when Laios is once again told that killing Marcille is the only way forward.

Only, this time, he's started to come up with an idea for how to do this impossible thing.

Harkening all the way back to the Living Armor chapter, Laios draws on the same lesson - if the Lion has made itself part of the world, if it has made itself into something alive, that means he can kill it. And eat it.

But there's an important extra detail to this. If he's going to try and kill (and eat) the Lion, he needs to strike when it’s vulnerable. He needs to strike when it's eating.

This is why he smashes through the barrier. Again, nothing else he does as a monster really benefits the Lion. He doesn't attack anyone else. The only command he obeys is to smash the barrier. Because the Lion has to think he has won for Laios to be able to eat him.

Beat him. For Laios to be able to beat him.

The question of why Monster Laios wanted to eat the Lion is, I think, the most ambiguous part. Was he curious? Hungry? Did he fight for his own life, for his friends, or for all of humanity? Did he know how to win because he had planned everything from the start, or because he was driven by an unquenchable instinct to do whatever it took to survive?

I don't know that it is possible to say for sure. But I do know that the Lion underestimates Laios, through it all. He underestimates Laios as a human, and he underestimates Laios as a monster.

And in the end, after he is bested, even then I don't think the Lion ever gets Laios. I don't think he understands how much Laios means his words about the Lion being burdened by hunger...

or what Laios cares about most...

or what meaning there is in life, for him.

So I don't buy what the Lion is selling about Laios, generally speaking. I don't buy that Laios didn't ever know what he was doing, and I don't buy that he was nothing more than a hungry beast.

Well. I mean. He was a hungry beast. But he was a more than that too. He was the Devourer of All Things Horrible. And he didn't just happen into that title by chance.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #laios touden #winged lion #dissecting how the Lion's negging works is a great exercise in understanding manipulation honestly #dungeon meshi spoilers #dunmeshi analysis