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topguncortez · 1 year

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What to Expect | Chapter 4

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synopsis: The dagger squad comes and visits your students at school. You and Jake share a steamy moment in your bedroom.

word count: 3.2k

warnings: pregnancy, vomiting, cursing, mentions of infidelity, fighting, spotting, cramping, fear of miscarriage.a filler before the DRAMA

Jake probably broke every single traffic law as he sped through the dark streets of California to get to the Kazansky house. He was still in his sleep shirt, boxers, socks and slides, not bothering to put on proper clothing as he got the text from you. You didn’t use the distress signal often, in fact there was only one time in the whole five years that Jake was with you that you had sent a ‘mayday’ text to him. It was when you got into a car accident and were being taken to the hospital. Jake felt like his heart stopped in his chest as he left work to get to you. And right now, he had that same feeling in his chest.

He hardly put the car in park, as he ran to your front door. You opened it before he had the chance to knock. You didn’t say a word as you grabbed his hand and pulled him to the bathroom on the first floor of your parents house.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Jake said, looking you over.

“I-I know Doctor Miller said it’s normal, but I’m still spotting a-and I feel like it’s not normal,” You cried and Jake’s heart broke, “It’s not enough to be concerned but I-I don’t like it.”

“Oh, pretty girl,” Jake said and pulled you into his chest. You sobbed into his chest and he shushed you, running his hand down your back, “If you’re really that scared, we can go back to Doctor Miller.”

“I just saw her last week,” You sniffled, “She said the same thing.”

Last week was your twelve week scan, and you had told Doctor Miller that you were still experiencing some spotting. She did a full pelvic exam and ran more bloodwork, but she told you the same thing she had two weeks prior, that nothing was wrong. Jake wasn’t able to join you because he had work but Bradley had been there with you.

“What can I do?” Jake asked, grabbing your face in his hands, and brushing a tear from your cheek.

“My head hurts,” You whimpered, “I’ve been getting headaches every single day.”

“Come on,” Jake grabbed your hand and opened the door.

The Kazansky house was decorated beautifully for the Christmas season. Sarah took her time making sure every little decoration was done perfectly. A large Christmas tree was placed by the fireplace that twinkled with lights and ornate ornaments. Tinsel and garland were wrapped around the railing that illuminated the steps of the grand staircase. Jake walked to your room, which you had also decorated for Christmas. He led you to your bed, and pulled back your covers. It was still made, telling Jake that you hadn’t even been to bed yet. He wondered how long you stayed up worrying about your unborn child.

“Lay down,” Jake instructed, and you wordlessly followed. You got into your warm king bed, and Jake walked around to the other side.

He slid in under the covers, and pulled you into his chest. You closed your eyes, feeling the familiar heartbeat against your skin, and breathing in the scent of his body wash. Jake always smelled like the earth after it rained with a hint of jet fuel. He lazily ran his hand up and down your spin, trying to calm you down. His other hand danced slowly on your hip, until he reached down and pulled your leg over his hips. You used to sleep like this against him all the time. It was familiar, comfortable. You let yourself relax against him, until you felt his hand on the back of your neck.

“It’s okay,” Jake said as you tensed up. His hand rubbed lightly at the skin, and you could feel the tension in your head cease, “I got you,” Jake leaned down and kissed your forehead as he lulled you into a dream filled sleep.

— — —

You weren’t sure why you were nervous. Maybe it was the fact that you are about to have eight aviators in your classroom. Five of them seemed to have the worst filter that you had ever witnessed in your life. Ever since Jake had met Owen a couple weeks ago, he had been asking when he could come back and visit the class. You had to get permission from your principal, but you decided to turn it into a science lesson and have them talk about what it’s like to fly. Your dad was always on board to come talk to children. He said it was how recruiting the next generation starts.

Your kids were currently at recess as you waited in the front office for your father and the dagger squad to show up. Ice asked what uniform you wanted them in and you said to surprise them. Alyssa was making copies for her class, when she looked up and saw the group walking in. She smirked and let out a low whistle.

“The hunk squad is here,” Alyssa said and you looked up at the front door. Jake was the first one you saw, donned in his summer dress whites.

“Oh god,” You said, and Alyssa chuckled.��

“Ooo baby daddy looks good,” She nudged you and you rolled your eyes, “Who’s the one in the flight suit?”

Your eyes landed on Phoenix, and you smirked at Alyssa, “Got a lil crush?”

“Shush,” Alyssa blushed, “You can’t be the only one with a pilot. I gotta go get the kids. Get me her number,” You laughed and nodded as the dagger squad walked into the front office.

You clapped your hands and smiled, “Ready to meet about twenty-five nine year olds?”

“Oh hell yeah,” Fanboy said and Payback smacked his stomach, “Sorry. . .heck yeah.”

“We had a briefing on language, they should be on their best behavior,” Your dad said as you led them down to your classroom. The kids were starting to come back and fill the halls of the Second Grade wing. Alyssa was going to bring your two classes in last so you could surprise the kids with the aviators. You had even gone and pulled out some of your fighter jet decorations, putting them up over the christmas decor.

“Alright, you guys sit up here,” You pointed to the chairs at the front. You could hear the laughter of your kids and smiled, “I’m going to control the rugrats before they come in.”

You looked at Jake and he smiled at you. You looked away quickly and Jake frowned. You hadn’t even said anything to him since the other night, and he was confused. He knew that your mood swings were rough at this point, but you were starting to give him whiplash.

“Alright, aviators,” You said as you stepped out in the hallway, seeing your second graders lining up against the wall, “This is your teacher speaking, and we have some very special guests waiting inside our classroom. You all need to be on your best behavior and use your good manners. Alright?”

“Alright!” You kids responded.

You smiled, “Goodness, gracious-”

“GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!”

Bradley smiled at the door, hearing the voices of young children. He remembered the time at your old school when he came and played the piano for your class. He played ‘Great Balls of Fire’ and it quickly became the call and response for your class that year. It warmed his heart at the fact that you still used it. Jake looked over at Bradley and glared at him. Coyote could see the way Jake was throwing daggers with his eyes at Jake, and kicked his chair. Jake looked at his friend confused, but Coyote pointed to the door as a bunch of wide eyed second graders started filling in. Jake sat up a bit straighter and fixed the white cap that sat on his knee.

“It’s Mister Jake!” Owen gasped and pointed to him. Jake smiled and lifted his hand in a wave towards the little boy, “I told you he’s real!”

“Whatever,” Another boy said and shoved past Owen to get to his desk.

“Lil dickhead,” Coyote whispered and Jake nodded.

Once all the kids were seated, you walked to the front of your classroom, “Alright my little aviators, as you can see, I have brought some friends in to help with today’s science lesson. I present to you, the commander of the pacific fleet, Admiral Tom Kaznasky, callsign, Iceman.”

“Is he your dad?!” An excited second grader shouted as Ice stood up.

Ice chuckled, “I am her dad,” You nodded and sat down at your desk. Jake was the closest to you, and he looked at you, sending you a wink. You rolled your eyes and focused on what your dad was telling your class. Each member of the dagger squad introduced themselves and said their callsigns.

“Why is your name Bob?” One of your kids, Eli asked.

“It’s my callsign,” Bob answered.

“Yeah. . .but why?”

Bob opened his mouth but Jake answered instead, “It means Badass on Board.”

You groaned, closing your eyes as you heard the gasps from your kids.

“He said a bad word!”

“That’s 500 hundred push-ups,” Hondo said, and patted Jake on the back.

At the end of the presentation, the Dagger Squad taught the kids how to build paper airplanes. It was the sweetest sight as you looked at your classroom and saw the various members sitting next to your second graders. You held your tea mug in your heads as you sat on top of your desk, watching everything.

“How are you feeling?” Jake asked, coming up and resting against the desk next to you.

“Better today,” You said, taking a sip of the hot drink.

“Ginger tea?”

You nodded, “Mrs. Hernandez down the hall said it helped her during her first trimester.”

“It gets better soon,” Jake said, “Rachel said that her favorite part was the second trimester. Things calm down with the morning sickness and nausea, she had a lot more energy, she wasn’t huge-”

“Finish that statement, I dare you,” You pointed your index finger at him. Jake held his hands up in defense and walked away from you with a cheeky smile on his face.

“Attention aviators!” Ice said, stepping in front of class, “Your TopGun training is over. It is time for your final hop! This is for the trophy, and the chance to get your name on the plaque.”

“You heard the Admiral!” You said to your kids, “Line up at the door!”

You took the kids down to the gym, where they were going to throw their paper airplanes to see who would go the farthest. It was meant to just be the kids, but you noticed some of the dagger squad had also made paper airplanes as well. You chuckled as Fanboy and Payback argued about whose design was better. The paper airplane TopGun challenge was something Ice did back when you were in grade school. You looked forward to it every single year growing up, and you continued the tradition when you became a teacher.

“Aviators, line up on the line,” You said, and watched as the dagger squad members stepped up, “The little aviators, line up on the line.” Some of the dagger squad rolled their eyes and let the second graders step up to the painted lines on the gym floor.

“Okay, in three. . . two. . . one. . . take off!” You yelled and twenty five paper airplanes went soaring through the air and landed at various spots in the gym. Jake and Bob were on the other side, looking for the top five farthest planes.

“Aviators, form up, so we can give out awards!” Ice smiled.

The daggers had to help the little ones to stand in a proper formation, which caused some protest because certain kids wanted to stand by their friends. Once Jake and Bob picked up the top five planes, they walked over to Ice and Maverick. The “trophy” was just a goodie bag with some candy and a first in line pass for lunch. You read the top four names and had the kids come stand up at the front of the formation.

“The top Aviator, who will get the trophy and their name on the plaque is. . . . Owen!”

The little boy’s eyes lit up as he ran to the front of the formation. You handed him his airplane and the goodie bag. Once the formation was “dismissed” some of the kids asked the aviators to sign their airplane and play with them in the gym. It warmed your heart to see how good they were with kids. You couldn’t help but imagine what it’ll be like in just a short six months when you give birth to your child. You could see it now, barbeques and parties in your parents backyard, the Dagger Squad showing up with more gifts than you would know what to do with. Jake had a bright smile on his face as he jogged around the gym, trying to avoid the dodgeballs being thrown at him.

“He’s good with them,” You said as Rooster walked over to you.

“Yeah, I’ll give him that,” Rooster sighed and put his hands on his hips. You noticed he was wearing his khaki uniform today, something you knew he hated with a passion, but you loved how he looked in it.

“You look good, Bradshaw.”

A smirk rose on his lips as he looked at you, “I am good, Kazansky, very good.”

You rolled your eyes and playfully shoved him, “I gotta get the rugrats rounded up.”

“Can I do it?” Rooster asked and you nodded, “Goodness, gracious!” He yelled and all the second graders stopped in their spots.

“GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!” They responded.

“Okay, now that’s fucking cool,” Bradley said.

“That’s five hundred!” Hondo pointed at him.

You chuckled, “Line up, aviators! Time to return to the carrier.” All your kids quickly ran to line up by the wall like you have taught them to. You did a quick headcount making sure you got all of them, “My second graders, what do we tell the Dagger Squad, Captain Mitchell and Admiral Kazansky for coming in today?”

“Thank you!” They all responded. Ice’s lit up with a smile.

“You are very welcome,” Ice said, “Chief Hondo is going to hand you your wings as you leave. I hope to see you all very soon!”

“Jessie, lead them to the class,” You said to your line leader. He nodded and walked towards the door of the gym. Some of the aviators waited by the door to give them high fives, as Hondo gave them stickers that looked identical to the gold wings pinned to some of their uniforms. You felt an arm drape around your shoulders and turned your head to see Jake standing next to you.

“I’m glad Owen won,” Jake said. You narrowed your eyes at him and then gasped.

“Jake, you didn’t. . .” You said and Jake sheepishly pulled out a paper airplane from his pocket and handed it to you. You read the name and shook your head.

“I watched him push Owen into the door when they went to get more construction paper from Ally’s room.”

“Thank you,” You said and held the paper airplane tightly in your hands. You looked Jake up and down again, really taking in the sight of him in his uniform. You bit your lip and took a step forward, whispering in his ear,

“Come over tonight.” Jake opened his mouth to say something, but you kissed his cheek and headed to where your class was.

— — —

Jake came over that night like you told him too, but you gave him a specific time to be there. You had known your dad’s night time schedule since you were old enough to read a clock. Iceman was always in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10. You had used that knowledge to your advantage, and became very good at sneaking around the house at a young age. So Jake arrived at your house at 11:30, and parked down the street like you told him too. You also had him come through the garage door because it was on the opposite side of the house from your parents bedroom.

Once again, you didn’t say anything as you grabbed Jake’s hand and pulled him through the house. You made him take his shoes off and hide them in one of the storage closets in the garage. He stumbled a bit through the dark house and you shushed him. It felt like deja vu from that night twelve weeks ago, except this time you were pregnant and you both were sober.

The second you got to your room, you closed the door and pushed Jake up against it and kissed him. Jake froze for a second, but kissed you back, placing his hands on your hips. Your hands tangled in his perfect blonde hair as you kissed against your door.

“Wait,” Jake said, pulling away, “What are we doing?”

“Fucking,” You said and leaned into kiss him again but he stopped you.

“What?”

“Ugh,” You groaned, “Doing the same thing we did to get me knocked up.” You leaned in again and this time Jake didn’t stop you. He gently walked you towards your bed, his lips never leaving yours. When the back of your knees hit your bed, he picked you up a bit to lay you down on the mattress.

The past week you had been having vivid dreams of Jake and waking up every morning desperate. You knew that your hormones were raging, but you didn’t think they could get you like this. And seeing Jake in his dress uniform today was not helping you at all. Your hands roamed Jake’s body, going down to the hem of his shirt, and tugging it up his perfectly sculpted body. Jake only broke the kiss to take his shirt off, leaving him in the jeans that hugged his thighs and ass perfectly.

“God, you’re so fucking hot,” You said, pushing his shoulder so he’d lay on his back. You climbed on top of him, straddling his waist. Your hands ran down the valley of his pecs, and Jake watched with hooded eyes as you kissed down his chest. He groaned as your tongue swirled over his nipple, your hips lazily grinding over his hard on.

“Jesus, what has gotten into you?” Jake asked. You sat up quickly and Jake couldn’t believe his eyes as you started crying, “Whoa hey, what’s wrong?”

“I hate you!” You cried and hit his chest with your fists, before crawling off of him.

“What did I do!?” Jake asked, his eyes wide as you pulled your knees to your chest, “Y/N, love, what did I do? Did I hurt you?”

“You asked me what has gotten into me! You got into me! You knocked me up! And now I just wanna rip your clothes off and smack you at the same time!”

Jake tried to bite back a smile as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his chest. You didn’t fight against him as you cried into his neck. He knew that this would pass almost as quickly as it started, and you’d be laughing about it in no time. When the sniffles subsided, your fingers twirled around the dogtags on his neck.

“Jake,” You asked softly.

“Hm?”

“Do you think we can go get ice cream?” You looked up at him with puppy dog eyes and Jake smiled down at you.

He kissed your forehead and said, “Of Course.”

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razor-tits · 4 months

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A very long and over due life update.

So, to start this off I guess I need to back up. Let's start in October. It feels like yesterday but also a lifetime ago. Things were...ok I'd say. Boring, routine, the only shake up was my hormones ran out and my job was changing our insurance, so I had to cancel my follow up appointment for bloodwork and a refill. But then I got some bad news from my parents.

My dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. He was ok, but he needed surgery. First they thought just a stent, but then decided he needed a triple bypass. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but we're kind of distant. I live a few hours away and only see them around the holidays but we talk on the phone weekly. My dad can lean a little on the conservative side but both of them are the absolute salt of the earth. They're done so much to help me and I felt powerless to be able to help. I couldn't leave work and felt like there was nothing I could do.

The next couple weeks were rough, my dad was staying in the hospital, my mom was going back and forth staying with him and taking care of my grandma, who is in her late 80's and has a litany of health issues. On a Friday I finally managed to make the drive home and spend the weekend there. Seeing my dad laid up in a hospital gown tied to machines is something i'll never forget. He could get up and move and acted like he was ok. But he's one of those guys you meet and you think he's invincible. The kind of guy that put a new roof on our house with a broken finger and can't turn away a stray animal at the door. Some family members I hadn't seen in a long time came and went over the weekend. Thoughts of our own mortality set in and I realize this could be the last time I see any of them.

I've lost people before. Some of them suddenly and unexpectedly. Others who's death was almost a sigh of relief after fighting for so long. I never got to say goodbye when my friend died and I hope he knows how much he meant to me. I don't want to feel that again, ever.

The day of surgery came. He was in the OR for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity and a second at the same time. A few hours after that my mom and I were able to see him. He was extubated already, which was a good sign. But he was on heavy medication, incoherent, coming in and out of sleep. But he knew I was there and that's all that mattered.

I had to leave and make my way back to my parents to get my dog, and then make the 2 hour drive back to Ohio and go back to work in the morning. At this point I knew my dad would be ok, he just had to get through recovery. But now thoughts of my own health were worrying me. I'm not in the best shape, I don't exercise or work out. I've already had surgery to fix stomach problems. Everyone on my dad's side has heart problems, and everyone on my mom's side has cancer and diabetes. There's not much I do to prevent any of that. I'm in my 30's and I feel it, maybe more than I should.

Over the next couple months my mental health continues to fall. I had a birthday and spent it sick, as I always seem to do. It's always a rough time of year for me. Seasonal depression kicks in, I get older, and another year passes. My dog, my best friend, the reason I kept myself alive, is getting old. I see it more and more every day and it breaks my heart.

The holidays came and went. I saw my grandma for the first time in a few years. Always wondering if it will be the last. Despite that, this year I never felt less in the holiday spirit. I used to love this time of year, now I desperately try to enjoy it, but part of me just wants it to be over. The best part seems to be a few days off work.

At this point it should be noted I have not restarted hormones. My identity has always been more in flux than i've let on, and maybe that needs to be it's own post, but I don't know if I want to start again or not. I don't know what I want, I don't know what my goals are. I don't know who i am. Beyond basic hygiene, I really don't even feel like taking care of myself most days. I pretty much always feel melancholic. I'm not angry, I don't get excited, I don't have much joy. My sex drive is non existent and I have no desire to do...well, anything.

New year's comes and I honestly couldn't care. It feels like another day. My gf and I go out and have an Ok time. I'm just so tired all the time it's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself like I used to.

And then, a couple days ago my landlord calls. We have to move out. Not sure when, but probably soon. I'm heartbroken and panicking over it. We absolutely love our house. We've only been here about a year and a half but it's been wonderful. It has plenty of room, privacy, it's quiet. We can leave our doors unlocked and packages aren't stolen off our porch. We're allowed both of our dogs and all 3 of our cats with no issues. We've invested so much time and money here. My gf is close with the owners and their children, who were the previous tenants. We even thought about trying to buy this house off of them when their other kid moves out of the downstairs apartment. And it's affordable. Anything else like what we have now will cost double and we can't afford that.

Our last apartment was tiny, cramped, dark and ran by an awful property investment company. And now we have to deal with that again. If we can even find a place where we can take 5 animals. We can hide 2 of the cats, but not all of them. We're in no position to buy nor do we have the time to go through the process. My gf said we may have to find 2 different apartments and live separately for a while. Just the thought of that brings me to tears. I can't live without her, I can't live without our pets. We're a family. I don't know what to do.

Since I got the phone call I've done nothing but panic, contact rental agencies and weigh my options. None of them are good. Best case scenario is we move in a smaller, worse place, paying more rent.

Nothing is going right for me. I know this isn't insurmountable and nothing that people haven't gone through before. But...god damn I need a break and I can't get one.

#i just needed to vent #dont reblog

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whentherewerebicycles · 8 days

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mmkay i'm almost done with ina may's guide to childbirth, which i thought i wasn't gonna read bc too crunchy for me... but it turns out i am a little bit susceptible to crunchy content lol. i want to do some THINKING ALOUD about BIRTH under the cut.

after doing lots of reading (not just this book lol) i think i want to try for an unmedicated birth with minimal interventions. "try" being the key word because i also want to keep things very flexible and be able to respond to what i'm feeling in the moment. it seems like one of the surest ways to be disappointed or lightly traumatized by your birth experience is to go in with a rigid or overly idealized plan and then feel blindsided when things go sideways and you have to suddenly deviate from the version of birth you'd been really invested in. i am totally willing to get an epidural if i find contractions unbearable or to have an emergency c-section if it becomes medically necessary or to be induced if i am way overdue. but i also feel like... idk. i am not someone who takes a lot of pride in my Ability to Weather Pain or anything and i don't want to try unmedicated birth as way of Proving Something to myself or others. but i feel like, if i look into my heart, i kind of want to see what that experience is like and i want to see if i can use these different kinds of tools to reframe my understanding of what's happening to me in a way that feels empowering instead of "oh my god the worst thing imaginable is being inflicted upon me."

i have some complicated feelings i want to untangle around this, but i think the core of it is that my pregnancy loss and surgery last summer really fucked with my head, and a big reason was because the process was so intensely medicalized, felt so out of my control, and was handled with a painful lack of sensitivity by several of the medical providers i interacted with. that experience would've been shitty enough on its own, but it also happened to come at the end of a highly medicalized conception process where i spent months having my body obsessively monitored and scanned and tested, and where i spent a ton of time stuck in a pretty dark place in my head feeling like my body was fucked up in some way and incapable of doing this thing i wanted it to do so badly. idk man it really messed with my head. and then when i got pregnant again, the first trimester was just this terrible haze of bloodwork and transvaginal ultrasounds and intense surges of dread/anxiety every time i had to go in for a new test or scan. i know that some of that was necessary! the IUI process was necessary, the surgery was necessary, the monitoring to make sure i didn't have another ectopic was necessary. but now i am 34 weeks into a healthy, low-risk pregnancy and i don't think there is any reason to believe that birth must be a highly medicalized experience for me. i feel this tentative but real desire to give my body a chance to at least try this thing that it may only get to do once. i also feel keenly interested in the emotional and intellectual work of preparing my mind/body for birth. i want to understand in detail what's going to happen to my body and i want to approach the experience itself from a place of curiosity rather than fear. i want to practice ways of reframing birth as a process that animals' bodies naturally know how to do rather than a pathological condition that needs to be intensely monitored and managed. i want to experiment with different tools for calming my body/mind. i also know that i want to be able to move around for the entire labor process! for some reason this is the thing i feel most absolutely sure about... like i'm MUCH iffier on the whole experiencing intense pain thing lol but i'm absolutely sure that i want to be able to change position, walk around, move, etc., for as long as possible.

i also feel like my SIL's experience was a little bit illuminating for me. she was SO terrified of giving birth, like crying and having panic attacks about it for weeks leading up to the event, and ended up having just about every medical intervention you can have short of an emergency c-section. all of those things were meant to ease her anxiety/make labor simpler and faster, but instead they just resulted in a really long, scary, kinda traumatic birth experience that really freaked me out. so like, idk, i may have to have the exact same cascade of interventions she did! i can't predict how it's going to go or how i'm going to feel. but i think that maybe just doing the work of preparing for an unmedicated birth will stand me in good stead even if i choose or am required to go a different direction. like i think if i can really do the work of understanding what's going to happen and respecting the intensity of that experience without fearing it, i will probably feel better about whatever happens even if i do decide to get an epidural or discover i have to have a c-section. idk if i've articulated that well but it's like... part of what was so traumatic about the pregnancy loss was just like, feeling like i had no options, no time to think about it, and no possible positive outcome, and also feeling very afraid and grief-stricken and overwhelmed by how fast everything happened. and in that case i really did not have that many options - like it was always going to end sadly and it was probably always going to end in surgery. but now i am facing a different situation where there are a whole range of positive outcomes before me and also a number of meaningful choices that i get to make for myself. and i want to make them. i want to choose to try one thing, and then if things change i want to choose to try something else, and i want to feel like i understand all the choices available to me and am making a decision for myself instead of wholly handing it over over to the doctors. idk. lots more to think about but! i think one good thing is that i was feeling quite scared of birth before doing all this reading, partly because my SIL's labor was kinda scary/intense to hear about from the outside, and now i am feeling quite excited about having this human experience because i have a better understanding of what the process actually entails and what i can do to manage my emotions around it. i think it will be uhh not Fun lol, but i think it will be meaningful and i am deeply curious about what it will be like to go through it. so! so.

(also fundamentally i just get to have my own ideas about what i want to try!!! i get to try something even if other people are like wow i would never make that choice. the things i am curious about do not have to be things anyone else is interested in or curious about!!)

#pregnancy tag

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crimeronan · 11 months

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WHEW okay. ROUGH fucking start to the morning but things are gonna be okay now. putting under a cut for people who don't care abt my endless unrelenting medical drama but for those who do. Come On This Fucking Journey With Me.

so, necessary background.

i have been having intermittent medical emergencies since february and my doctor has been trying since march to get me a specialist rheumatology appointment. the rheumatology clinic keeps ignoring the referral and/or saying that they need more paperwork and documentation for it.

my doctor has at this point provided them with

her physical observations of my visibly abnormal symptoms

all of the many many many many Many medications i've been prescribed and their effects on said symptoms

multiple different types of positive ANA showing i have uncontrolled progressive autoimmune disease

all my negative antibody tests (have yet to test positive for any one specific antibody)

my doctor - who is excellent - has also followed up with them repeatedly to try to get me scheduled. because i am dying. like i try not to be super dramatic here bc i don't like worrying people and maybe i'm overblowing my symptoms but like. when you're at the point that one of your partners schedules an impromptu overnight flight to come up and monitor you for a week bc your other partner is on vacation & you're in danger of stroking and being unable to call an ambulance for yourself if someone isn't in the room to notice the signs...... i feel like at that point it's fair enough to say I Am Fucking Dying. i am dying. i've been dying for months. like very slowly and inconsequentially but MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE ARE DYING AT ANY GIVEN TIME.

so two weeks ago, after even more fucking phone tag, rheumatology was like. we have all of your tests and documentation now. we'll call to schedule you in soon :) if we don't, call us in two weeks!

today is, of course, the two week mark.

i thought it was strange that they hadn't called because my current symptom progression is usually triaged as The Top Tier Of Autoimmune Medical Emergencies. and my doctor herself has gotten me in for same-day appointments whenever i develop new symptoms because i am apparently not being fucking dramatic about how fucked up i am.

but! rheumatology is overburdened by a combination of COVID-era backups and a MASSIVE influx of newly disabled people with long COVID. and they're dealing with the same understaffing and shortages as the rest of the healthcare system. so it wasn't THAT weird.

called the clinic as soon as they opened this morning. was put on hold for a few minutes, which is normal.

guy gets back on the line. informs me they actually Don't have the test results that they need to schedule me (even though they TOLD ME THEY DID two weeks ago). and that they can't help me.

at this point i got off the phone and had a hysterical crying breakdown so profound that multiple partners swooped in to make a Shitload of Very Testy phone calls to various places on my behalf. bc they love me and are wonderful i am very loved. i have been taking the whole "actively dying" thing in stride for months for the most part but apparently this morning i hit my Fucking Limit. because OH MY FUCKING GOD.

so after an hour of hysterical crying, the receptionist at my main doctor's office calls back. she has always been very kind and takes calls from me / my partners extremely seriously, because of..... you know. The Everything.

she's just as kind and sweet and apologetic as ever but also there is kinda an undercurrent of apoplectic fury. she's spent some time trying to figure out What The Fuck Is Going On. turns out that

there was one more test rheumatology needed, even tho they said they had all my documentation. ok. fine.

my doctor did in fact order this test immediately after my last appointment.

i did in fact have the bloodwork done for this test immediately after my last appointment. like within an hour.

there was NO REASON for rheumatology not to have these test results.

except.

that the phlebotomist who took my blood.

ran every fucking ordered test.

except.

the one.

i needed.

to get scheduled.

with rheumatology.

so i've been waiting two weeks for fucking Nothing. because i thought i had my referral sorted. and the rheumatology clinic did not fucking inform my doctor that actually! they were wrong! about having the documentation to schedule me in!

the receptionist called up the lab to make sure that they Can run the necessary test. confirmed that they can. then she called up the rheumatology clinic and sent over all of my current documentation all over again and told them to be on the lookout for the final test. THEN she called the lab AGAIN to say, "hey, i'm sending you this order electronically, but i'm making an extra note that you guys need to do it right this time, AND you need to treat this as highest priority n analyze the results immediately. and i'm giving you the specific test number right now to make sure you fucking write it down correctly."

and then she gave ME the test number. and said "write this down. and when you get there, ask them what the number is for your test. and make sure that it matches."

which all took up most of her morning and truly was going above and beyond, all she really Needed to do was resend the lab order n tell me to go get more blood drawn. ESPECIALLY since it's an indie office & she handles ALL of the patient scheduling and bureaucracy.

but she is mad. and also i have dying patient privilege.

i felt much better after this because tbh half of why i was so upset was because i already know i have multiple forms of irreversible damage to various body parts and i really fucking physically feel like i get closer to dying every day and i really cannot fucking deal with being triaged as a non-priority possibly-faker hysteria patient.

but this does not seem to be the case.

so. unless something ELSE manages to go wrong with all of this bureaucratic bullshit, what's going to happen is: i am going to drive to a lab 45 minutes away to get my bloodwork done today bc that's the closest place with same-day appointments. i am going to call my doctor's office and tell them that the blood test was done, bc the receptionist said to call her from the parking lot once i'm finished. my doctor is going to receive the test results and send them to rheumatology either today or tomorrow. and within two weeks (Supposedly For Fucking Real This Time), rheumatology will ACTUALLY FUCKING CALL TO SCHEDULE ME IN.

in the most ideal and luckiest world, i will in fact be triaged as an emergency case. which means things will move fast in terms of both getting a call from the scheduling team and getting scheduled in. however it's also possible that they will have patients who are in, like, multi-organ-failure shutdown crisis, who obviously need to be prioritized above me. i do have endless paper documentation and visible physical symptoms stating that i am very very very sick, so. fingers crossed but i don't want to jinx it.

this post is very long. medical bureaucracy is a nightmare. i am very very very lucky and blessed to have so many life partners who are willing to advocate for me because as you can imagine, none of this is easy to navigate when you are unbelievably fucking sick and have a brain that is progressively losing the ability to retain language or executive function or memory.

in conclusion.

being sick is so stupid.

#medical #autoimmune tag #hank green's note of 'when the american healthcare system moves fast that's when it's time to worry'#YEAH I FEEL THAT. it WAS moving so fucking fast until all THIS.#hopefully now that it's sorted it'll be back to moving really fucking fast because I Need Healthcare Pretty Fukkin Badley

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moregraceful · 10 months

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L after fucking L at the clinic today for FOUR STRAIGHT hours

First, [Specialist] was out here like, bro i think you just have [fully recoverable virus for humans commonly associated with dogs, NOT lycanthropy sadly], I'm like THE DISEASE THAT DOGS GET?? He was like yeah but the human kind dw. But I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. I was like bro come on. And then he sent me to the lab for bloodwork just to make sure I have fully recoverable dog virus where they took even more of my blood...please...ladies....how will the sexy vampires feast on me tonight if I have no blood...

Then went to my gp and took seventeen more losses. Told her some symptoms that were bothering me for a while, she was like lmao bro you haven't dealt with this REOCCURRING ON A WEEKLY BASIS SYMPTOM for HOW long!!? I was like lady listen. You referred me to [a different specialist] in 2021 and he did blood work and was just like take antihistamines and i got super mad and never saw him again. She was like ok but the antihistamines did not work?? And you just lived like that?? FOR TWO YEARS?? I was like i have a tragic backstory involving the medical field that causes me to shy away from seeking medical help!!! She was like ok but I'm writing you another referral You Do Not Have To Live Like This.

Then [Department I was referred to] called me while I was sitting in the lobby waiting in fifteen minute vaccine jail (ya boy will be fully hepatitis b vaccinated soon...fellas watch out...) and they were like sooo you're actually an established patient of this man due to seeing him in 2021...so you have to see him. I was like, must I. Simply must I. And the nice administrator on the phone was like, well most of our department is going on vacation this summer, butttttt. yeah no you do lol. I was like I GUESS!! But at least this appt is in person unlike the last one, which was telehealth - I am way better at advocating for myself in person. so if he says hmm, i think you should take even more antihistamines i can fight him in real life.

And then i had to get an x-ray bc apparently [ENTIRELY UNRELATED SYMPTOM TO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT I THOUGHT WAS JUST A SYMPTOM OF AGING] is not something doctors are generally thrilled to hear abt you having for years. And i met a very nice x-ray technician who was a little on edge bc there was a kid in the next x-ray room having a screaming meltdown you could hear from the waiting room. I was like bro i get it. I also need to go scream in front of my mom

And then after all that was done, i texted my mom tell her that i probably have a dog virus that isn't even lycanthropy and she was buddy you had dog virus in preschool lmao you'll live. Pain.

I also apparently canceled therapy in a fugue state sometime in the past two weeks so i only have one more healthcare appointment this week 😩 but this last one i am not dreading TOO much bc a) this was not a referral, i choose her specifically based on the stress i have around [fourth probably unrelated problem to everything else, not lycanthropy] and b) i had a fifteen minute consult with her last week where she was like hmm. Wow. I need to see you weekly, actually. And sent me intake forms immediately. So while this one will be an expensive weekly pain in the ass, at least i will not be waiting until August like my other damn specialist.

Anyway the reason i wrote all that out is a) you all were so kind and sympathetic while i have been going tf thru it for the past three weeks and I felt you deserved an update that i am NOT dying imminently, 2) i learned a valuable lesson today which is that if you put off dealing with/refuse to deal with several physical health problems separately for several years, eventually they snowball to a point where you just feel bad in your body all the time and then it's even more of a pain in the ass to deal with them all at once and you run the risk of being at the clinic for four hours straight slowly losing the will to live. Don't be me, don't do that. Address what is making you feel bad in your body and make sure your problems are heard. Like i am saying this as someone with medical trauma. It is YOUR body and YOUR life, you do not have to spend every day feeling bad for (likely) treatable reasons.

And I'm not even a werewolf 😭😭😭

#medical cw #fresno oilers.txt

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adventuresasmrsfindley · 1 year

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Ummm I don't know what was going on in this house last night but yikes. 😅🥱 I need like 12 more hours of sleep.

Fasting bloodwork at 10:30 this AM. I'm really nervous. For the results, but also just to get blood drawn. It's been quite a while. I got used to it when I was pregnant but now that's been almost 5 years ago (🤯) and I think I've only had bloodwork done one time since. Ughhhh. Just have to remind myself it's quick and I can do hard things! Good vibes appreciated while I wait for those results. I think she said it would only be a day or so.

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sewercentipede · 2 months

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I need health insurance, get my crohns doctor to order full panel bloodwork and humira-antibody/resistance blood work, and abdominal MRI, do all of that, , then fly to my crohns doctor to get a colonoscopy done by him, (and possibly also do another stool test for fecal calprotectin and another for intestinal infections) and then do a follow up with doctor where we see how fucked I am based on all the labs and imaging and then adjust my regime accordingly (meaning possibly switch to a different biologic, possibly get intestinal surgery, possibly realize I have some other medical issue in my intestines on top of crohns and treating that). and then like maybe I can be doing better. Im supposed to be getting MRI and colonoscopy every year to track my crohns, and humira levels blood work regularly but since I’ve not had health insurance I haven’t been able to do any of that for almost 4 years and that’s extremely fucking bad for the severity of my disease and like the fact that the last time I did get those done, my crohns had spread and I was no longer in remission compared to the results that I got after starting Humira

And then maybe just maybe I will be doing so much better in my life because i will know what’s going on, have a proper updated treatment plan that works, and then my bodily functions won’t be causing me so much horror and pain and misery and fatigue and depression and suicidal ideation and etc etc etc

like one of the surgieries i was looking at, I think I should get, I think I’m at the point where it is justified and will improve my quality of life, as well as if I don’t do it soon I will lose the window of opportunity and then only be eligible for more extreme surgeries that actually scare me and would affect my daily life much much much more

#also DENTIST APPONTMENT ASAP #Basically I NEED FICKING HEALTH INSURANCE FICK IIUU #autoimmune disease #note to self #ibd #crohns

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localplaguenurse · 3 months

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Hey.

uwu

Thinking of doomed to die ver for the boys

I was thinking of cancer like as in either Jason or Oli got it, like sure it can be cured but there’s no guarantee it’ll be gone for good, it’ll most likely come back. So they would spend the last couple years,months, and days doing everything they always wanted to do together before the unavoidable happens.

Well Ivy, you're (hopefully) asleep rn as I'm answering so idk if you'll see the notif for this being answered first, or my discord messages.

I don't think I explicitly told you this, and I don't know if you put the pieces together yourself, but Oli's creator is @wretchedshade, who actually had cancer herself. She's beat it since, and she actually just got her bloodwork done again and she's still in the clear.

As such, I had her help in writing this out. This is all based on our instagram messages. I'm also going to put a "read more" here because while it won't get into the nitty gritty details, cancer is not fun. Actually got a little emotional typing it out rip-

Content warning: cancer and cancer treatments, referenced smoking and drug/alcohol usage, mentions of depression and suicide

Oli would more than likely develop lung cancer. He was a smoker for a while and he did start quitting around the time he and Jason got together, fully ditching the habit once the two brought Alice home. It's stage two cancer because Shade wants to be nice, so he'd be doing light chemo and taking medication. She wanted to make it stage three like hers was where he needs emergency surgery, heavy chemo, possible radiation.

Since it's the lungs though, which are delicate, he'd have to do chemo/radiation to shrink the cancer/tumors down before they have to actually go poking around in there and making the really hard decisions.

"And despite it all and the constant pain, nausea, breathing problems and losing his hair, Oli still has a smile on his face bc even though he's been told his chances are good, if something does go wrong he doesn't want his husband and daughter's last memory of him to be how much he suffered." - Shade

Jason would refuse to cry in front of Oli or Alice. He needs to be their support system. Alice is young, she doesn't fully understand why this is happening and is scared she's going to lose her papa, and Oli's the actual cancer patient. The cancer patient doesn't need to console the healthy man and tell him everything's going to be okay, because Jason's not the one with cancer. He saves his tears for when no one is around and for the day Oli gets cleared.

If it were Jason, it would more than likely be pancreatic cancer, possibly even leading to liver cancer. While his main and worst addiction was cocaine, he was also a really heavy drinker during his band days. Even in the years after leaving the band, he still struggled with alcohol and binge drinking every now and then whenever he had a really bad day.

Regardless of the stage of cancer and if he is/isn't going to make it, he's pulling out his "bucket list," something he whipped up back when he was a suicidal teenager who thought he was going to go out in a drug fueled blaze of glory like all the other rockstars he admired did. It's a dumb list of dumb shit, but he picks out a few activities that he thinks are still fun or doable, and he does them with his friends and family so that regardless of where he winds up, they'll think of the fun times before the shitty ones.

It would also be one of those instances where he actually talks to and tries to spend time with his dad. Hell, it might be enough that his dad finally stops being a bitter bastard and gives Jason's "nontraditional" family a chance. Jason got his spite and temper from someone, but even his dad knows this is not a time to be a bigot when his first and only child is sick.

He also doesn't want anyone making comments about his hair. No jokes, no remarks, no pointing out bald spots. Jason's favourite part of his appearance is his hair, and he was devastated hearing he'd lose it during his treatment. What lessens the sting is him and his daughter picking out chemo beanies and wigs for when he finally goes bald. It also helps to make Alice less worried about everything, and is a nice bonding experience during a really difficult situation.

Alice kind of exists in my head in a perpetual limbo of either baby or small kindergartener, maybe a teenager. I'm picturing her being 5-6, still really young. She's a sweet child and loves her dads dearly, so when they get a call about a fight at school, it turns out it's because she started hitting a kid that made a comment about whichever dad has cancer. Jason's "talk shit get hit" mentality is genetic. She felt bad because she doesn't like hitting people, but other than that she refused to apologize to the other kid.

#ask #ivy!#tw cancer #cancer #cancer mention #cw cancer #oc stuff

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asm5129 · 1 year

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Flash Thoughts 9x09--It's My Party and I'll Die if I Want To

Full spoilers ahead!

Tonight was the Return of The CW's Flash, and thus the return of Flash Thoughts! I of course wasn't in town to do Flash Thoughts for the last two episodes so I'm excited to get into this again

So, to get it out of the way

OLIVER QUEEN IS BACK

But how is it handled? Does it do the Godfather of the Arrowverse justice (no pun intended)?

I'd say...Yes. But. the episode is still a bit of a mixed bag. Let's back up a bit.

I think the way they set this story in motion was actually really interesting. Using the weird superaging Barry had to deal with and then got reversed to give Barry a superhero-enforced version of a crisis many people deal with when they hit 30---

Am i using my time on earth wisely?

And to dive into Barry's survival guilt is definitely always an interesting angle to explore. It's fundamental to his entire journey as the Flash.

I genuinely love the kind of meta angle of him being the star, and thus everyone who dies dies for him because he's the most important part of the show

Taking a look at Wally's trauma about being left behind and feeling undervalued and taken advantage of was really interesting too. What we saw tonight was a very similar pain to what we saw all the way back in season 2 when he was first introduced. And honestly, it makes a lot of sense. plus it was interesting to revisit his whole "finding myself" thing that he's been doing for absolutely ages and kinda give a solid reason why it's necessary for kinda the first time haha

it was really cool to get bloodwork back. the CGI monster he turned into was iffy (CW budgets, what can you do), and actually overall I just don't think the VFX for his powers was handled as well as in his original appearance, but I still think he was great.

And Oliver was literally the healthiest he's ever been. It only took him until he died apparently.

Regardless, I actually think this episode handled his return quite well. He's still The Specter (or is it Spectre?) so he can't just pop down to earth any time he likes, but it was established in COIE that even after his death at the hands of the Anti-Monitor and his sacrifice he still existed in some capacity. I think his story from Arrow was used very well to push Barry forward, and their relationship is always really strong and continues to be so.

Oh and of course Ollie's time with dig was beautiful too.

I'll give Eric Wallace this--execution aside, this show has never believed in any benefits of toxic masculinity. It is...genuinely awesome to see men casually and sincerely telling one another "i love you" without an ounce of shame. Oliver and dig saying that to each other in particular was very powerful, because it does show how different Oliver is from where he began.

i know some folks will be pissed about the Green lantern ring thing, and I'll be honest, while i respect what they went for I understand the frustration. It seemed like they were heading in the direction of an exciting payoff to a long held fan theory that slowly became canon, and that would let Dig really transcend Oliver's story. But...I do also get that Dig does not like the cosmic shit. He never has. It would be a little weird for him to go off into space and be a Green Lantern when he's never even stopped puking when Barry uses his super speed.

Anyways, moving on...It's kinda annoying it took three years, but team Flash finally learns about the existence of the new multiverse! Shame we'll never get to see anything done with that though.

Khione gets some confirmation of some of why she is the way she is--specifically, that she is "tuned into the natural order of things". Kinda intriguing, looking forward to seeing where that goes.

Glad we got to dig into the fact that Barry is still mourning Caitlin and Frost too.

In fact, all of this is so interesting, it really ought to have been given more time.

Yeah i think that's my biggest criticism of this episode. It's not so much the content of it, it's that it genuinely feels like this should have been the meat of about half the season and they put it all in one episode.

Especially because this episode played to the strengths that made season 8 so fantastic!

Eric Wallace's Flash has showed multiple times that it's strengths come

A) when it plays with the rest of the Arrowverse in a way that furthers the story of this show

and

B) when it goes really dark and even leans into horror a bit

and the problem is, he's spent most of his run actively leaning away from both. This episode shows just how much of a mistake that is.

Not letting Red Death be Ryan from the Armageddon timeline? Not doing a proper Batwoman/Flash team-up? Not letting Red Death lean into the horror aesthetic her costume easily could have connected her to and instead having those somewhat campy screaming breakdowns and the vibrating camouflage voice? Not letting Red Death lean into the absolutely twisted nature of the comics Red Death?

Eric Wallace's highest points as showrunner were the original Bloodwork story and season 8, especially the Armageddon and Deathstorm arcs (slightly iffy Armageddon finale notwithstanding)

All of these are decisions that lean away from those strengths, and while I'm still enjoying the final season, that's a significant error in judgement on his part.

Anyways. See you next week for more Flash Thoughts on...apparently the return of Matt Letscher's Thawne in a villainous role!

#the flash season 9 #flash thoughts #oliver queen #green arrow #arrowverse positivity #arrowverse #Ramsey rosso #wally west #John Diggle #Stephen Amell #Grant Gustin #Flash #the flash #barry allen #eric wallace #dc comics #DCTV #dc tv shows

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mbrainspaz · 9 months

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remembering why I stopped going to the doctor years ago. So far it's gone like this: I went to a doctor someone recommended, they gave me the inhaler I needed at least (wish I could've just gone and bought myself the meds I knew I needed but nooooo), diagnosed another issue I needed help with, and referred me. The next doctor cost more money to tell me that the first doctor was right, but that I needed to see another doctor to confirm. That doctor said actually the last two doctors were wrong, but didn't have a clue what was actually going on. "Like idk maybe try CAT scans or something? Doctor no. 2 will call you back to follow up." Dr 2 has not called. Oh, and let's not forget the third doctor did a bunch of tests that hurt like hell and they had the nerve to interrogate me about 'why I was so down.' I hate it when doctors ask me that. I DUNNO BUB maybe I hate wasting all my time and money being processed like a slab of meat by scammy medical institutions that never actually help me?! Also I filled in your stupid form and admitted I had depression—what did you expect? They don't even read those damn things I swear. So now I've spent over $200 and wasted a total of about 10 hours running around town just to be exactly where I was before I talked to a doctor. It's so goddamn useless. Last time I spent $600 to get told I had bad knees and needed a surgery I couldn't afford. I already knew that! Now I've got another appointment this morning and I called the office (wasted 10 minutes just getting past the answering robot) to ask about the fasting the doctor told me to do for bloodwork—only to be told this wasn't an appointment for that. no no, this is just a 'follow up'. WHY?! So she can double check that I didn't die of an asthma attack in the meantime? I swear if I drive through houston traffic for 2 hours and pay another $25 just for this person to ask me how I've been breathing lately I'm done. I'm done. I'm dropping the whole thing. I'm just gonna accept that it's my lot in life to live like a 14th century peasant and hope I die of natural causes. I'll find some leeches in the creek and take some weird herbs and hope for the best. I don't even know what's going on with the insurance company because they emailed me asking me to pay another $25 copay for an appointment I already paid $50 for in person, so now I've gotta waste time and precious energy calling them to make sure there wasn't a stupid mistake, and if they say there wasn't then I just have to accept the extortion. And I've gotta keep signing all the stupid forms every time saying I'll pay I'll pay I'll pay. For WHAT? If I can never get actual medical care that fixes or alleviates the problems I'm dealing with what the hell am I paying for?! If I went to any other business and paid for a service and they failed to provide it I could demand to have my money back! But these hacks get to be like "well if you don't want to sign over your entire bank account enjoy your free human right to suffer and die lol." My elbow hurts like hell from writing this and half my hand is numb but the gods only know why. Anyway, here I go, off to spend another 2 hours and at least $25 but probably more than that on some more bullshit.

#us healthcare is a joke #fml #unhinged rant #I know I'm being unreasonable but I don't care #I hate it here #diagnosis fail #insurance companies are the actual devil #death ment tw #depression tw

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caffeinated-chaos-bean · 8 months

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Idk whether to laugh or cry lmao

Well guys --

I've been in town for 9hrs today. :'D

So my mom and I left the house around 10am so we could go pay the car insurance bill and such before my 1:30pm physical therapy appointment but apparently there is a curse going around because just like Shanna (and I now find out, Kaz as well today) WE GOT A FLAT FUCKING TIIIIIIRRRRREEEE. To make it even better, for whatever reason, both ATT and Verizon cell service was out completely and was even impacting people being able to call 911. Landlines in some places weren't even working. So we had to drive out car with its flat tire to the parking lot of my work and use their phone in order to call AAA to get a tow. Thankfully they found the spare tire we weren't sure we even had and put that on for us, so we got to immediately go and get the tire fixed. The culprit? A NAIL.

That got over at 12:45pm and then we went to the bank and pulled $100 so we could pay the car insurance (it was $83, the rest went to mom's ciggs). Then we forgot we needed gas and had to run and quicky get gas before running to the other end of town to make it to my physical therapy appointment. The appointment went well, aside from half the already scheduled future appointments WERE ON DAYS I WORK AND I CANT DO THEM. So only 2 of the 10+ days they pre-scheduled actually work (9/5 and 9/13) and the rest have to be re-worked. >n<

THEN we went to get groceries and coffee, hoping to relax for at least another hour back home before my 4pm appointment with my new primary care doctor. By the time we get halfway home? NOPE NO TIME TO RELAX FOR US. We barely had time to get what refrigerated groceries we had put away (dry goods left in the bags on the table) before we had to hop back in the car and make it to my primary care appointment on time. On the way there, mind you, we got tailgated halfway there and when my mom and I both flipped the dude off (and I even turned around in the passenger seat to glare at them) he decided to tailgate FURTHER and actually FOLLOW US the rest of the way there before turning off when he saw we were turning into the doctor's office. I'm not joking when I say that I had the spare car key clutched between my fingers in case I needed to stab someone in the neck in self defense. @n@

This appointment went well and lasted almost an hour and a half, and thankfully this new doctor seems to actually DISCUSS what my health currently looks like opposed to my old doctor??? This brings me to where I'm at in not knowing whether to laugh or cry because its just the icing on the top of the cake.

We went over my previous blood tests that I had done back in June. Aside from having read over those horrible results, the doctor said she could tell just from looking at the orange-ish tint of my nails that I was showing signs of being highly anemic. I also had my bloodwork explained to me for the first time in forever and it made sense and honestly doesn't sound good. Essentially, my red blood cells are too small and too tight to properly do their job and circulate oxygen in my body and carbon dioxide out of my body, and so alongside that, my platelets are working 10x as hard as they need to (ie. swelling) in order to cover for the red blood cells being so small and to ensure that if I ever needed a major surgery or got a major injury that I don't bleed out from it. Along with that, the triple-digit heart rate spikes I've been having?? Yeah not normal either.

What I'm looking at in the future from all of this??

I need to get an EKG and a 2-View Chest X-Ray. I got a Vitamin B12 injection today and will be getting one each month for the next 6 months. I also have to wait for a call from Hematology/Oncology because my red blood cells are so fucked up that I have to have a BLOOD INFUSION!!!

Below, this image perfectly describes my brain after all of this:

#the bean speaks #mun #admin #please make me laugh #please make me cry #make me figure this shit out

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