#And it fucking hurts

[gay-otlc]

This is kind of a very specific post but shana tovah to every Jew who had a loved one die this past year, and have to observe the High Holy Days without them for the first time. I'm so sorry, it's a shitty situation to be in, but I hope you have a good holiday.

#this post is brought to you by: every single other year of my life i've spent rosh hashana with my grandmother #and this is my first year observing it without her #and it fucking hurts

[lavender-femme]

Your fat mutuals see when you almost exclusively reblog thin bodies

#and it fucking hurts #so so much #I’m talking #and I’m so fucking tired of feeling like this #y’all need to be reblogging this I’m not joking #and reblog fat bodies #or get the fuck away from me

[honeypleasejustkillme]

i don’t think, i KNOW i’ve never loved someone as much as i love him

#and it fucking hurts #actually bpd #actually mentally ill #bpd fp #bpd shitposting #actually borderline #bpd #bpd favorite person #bpd mood #bpd problems #bpd vent #beloved.txt

[amethystina]

If The Gentle Light had continued, what, do you think, would Yo Han's immediate thoughts/feelings have been upon seeing Ga On again?

Well. I mean. I don't really think — I know. Because I'm sometimes forced to write down the Yo Han bits that just won't leave me the fuck alone. Usually just short snippets, often ones that aren't even connected, but yeah. If I don't, they'll keep looping inside my head, slowly driving me insane.

So anon can have some Yo Han POV, as a treat:

Yo Han took another sauntering step forward, gaze wandering over Kim Ga On's terrace. Pots, plants, and various tools littered the space, but it was by no means cluttered or disorganized. Everything had its proper place, either tucked away in practical plastic crates or arranged in neat little rows. Even the plants were positioned with great care, lining the otherwise empty space — enveloping it, turning it into something more than just a terrace.

Like a small oasis of life — delicate yet vibrant — right there in the heart of Seoul.

Yo Han shook his head and walked over to the shelf placed against one of the walls, plants of all shapes and sizes crowding together inside it.

How very like Ga On, to surround himself with so much life.

And to be so desperate for something to care for that he hoarded these frail little plants, showering them with the love and affection he couldn't find an outlet for elsewhere. It seemed that Kim Ga On might very well cease to exist if he wasn't allowed to care for and nurture the living and breathing things around him, the need going beyond instinct into outright compulsion.

That innocence and selflessness was a weakness — a big, blinking target, so easy to exploit — but, at the same time, so breathtakingly beautiful it only added to Ga On's radiance.

Yo Han was frustrated by how much he adored it.

He reached out and slowly ran his finger along the leaf of one of the nearby plants. Yo Han was no expert, but it looked paler than it probably should have — closer to yellow than green. He frowned, his gaze flicking between the plants in front of him.

Almost every single one of them looked the same.

Discolored, with drooping leaves, some even edged with dry, crusty browns.

A small flicker of discomfort — of dawning realization — was all the warning Yo Han got before his chest clenched. He had no time to brace himself, the bloom of concern fierce enough to almost knock the breath out of him.

The implication was all too clear.

Kim Ga On might be withering away faster than Yo Han had anticipated.

___

Though I guess that's technically BEFORE he sees Ga On? So here's the one when he actually turns around and sees him for the first time in months:

Yo Han had pictured the moment many times over. He'd wondered — maybe even fantasized — what it would be like to see Ga On again after so many months apart. But none of those scenarios, each studied and evaluated down to the smallest detail, could prepare Yo Han for what he actually found when he turned around.

Not even once, at any point during his musings, had Yo Han thought that the first thing he would feel was a sharp, painful pang of guilt.

The eyes meeting his — those soft doe-eyes, usually so bright and vibrant — were flat and empty. They looked too big on Ga On's face, too black and bottomless against the paleness of his skin. As if there was nothing but a gaping emptiness behind them.

There was no spark. No light.

Nothing.

The world seemed to shift, just a fraction, but still enough to make Yo Han's stomach drop. The curl of dread was paralyzing.

He'd always known he was fated to eventually smother that gentle, fragile light, but he hadn't expected it to happen like this.

Not this soon.

He wasn't ready for that loss yet. He honestly never would be.

And so, for once, Yo Han didn't know what to do — or even how to react. The longer he stood there, staring into those blank eyes, the more the guilt grew. He could feel it seeping into his veins, slowly taking hold.

It hurt to breathe.

A pain which didn't ease even when something finally did shift inside Ga On's eyes. Because what Yo Han saw wasn't life, excitement, or even hope, but the heart-wrenching hunger of a desperate, half-starved creature, so weak it was a miracle it could even function.

The emptiness in Ga On's eyes suddenly made sense.

He was empty. And Yo Han could see the hunger growing — the near-frantic need to fill that cold, hollow space. And he knew exactly what had caused it.

Exactly what Ga On needed in order to fill that void inside of him.

If Yo Han had wanted to make Ga On less dependent on him, he'd failed.

___

... I guess the short answer would be: "... oh fuck."?

Bear in mind that I currently have no plans (or time) to write another chapter from Yo Han's POV, but yeah. I hope you enjoy the snippets?

Also, to be entirely honest with you all, it fucking hurts to write Yo Han's POV, especially these emotional scenes x'D Like, I feel for Ga On when I write about him and his struggles, I definitely do. But Yo Han is too similar to me in how he deals with and processes emotions so I'm, like, in agony when I write stuff like this because I can relate to it too much.

So some of my stubbornness not to write his POV is honestly sheer self-preservation at this point x'D

#Amethystina Replies #Anonymous #Who Holds the Devil #The Gentle Light #The Devil Judge #Amethystina Writes #And it fucking hurts #Like #I cannot stress this enough #It might very well break me if I had to write certain scenes from Yo Han's POV #I COULD probably do it #But MAN #Would it hurt #Me most of all #But all of you as well #Though some of you are gluttons for punishment #So I know you probably won't be swayed by that argument xD

[agayworthfightingfor]

i hate how invisible the inability to move is

#it happens all the time and no one notices #and i try and i try and i try so fucking hard to move and it takes five ten twenty more attempts before people notice that ive even made one #so its hard to say that im struggling because no one notices anythings wrong so no one can ask #and if im like this then i cant say something starting from nothing. but maybe if someone fucking notices and gives me something to react to #then maybe i can fucking ask for help. explain whats happening. try and get accessible communication back up. #but without that im just stuck in a loop of draining all my spoons until i find a crack to squeeze through. could take minutes. hours. #and it fucking hurts

[secretlyofthefeywild]

so tired of toxic positivity,, everything is NOT going to be alright and im allowed to be upset abt it

#hate having to make extremely stressful decisions bc everyone one else is like “omg do the thing its so good and cool” #but im sitting here and ik full fucking well that it would be the best thing in my life but that realistically it simply is not feasible #and im so upset that everyone (and myself) got my hopes up abt this #i specifically asked to be talked out of it bc i knew it wouldnt work but everyone talked me into it instead #and now i have to face the realization that it cant happen #and it fucking hurts #🦝 elwyn posting 🦝

[lowlyroach]

617) See Sea

Waves rocking raft

The storm cracks the sky

Lightning followed by

The slap of thunder

Body vibrates with ease

Torrential downpour weeps into the wood

Rotation around a whirlpool

Infinite spiral

Unreachable epicenters

Never altered my course, of course

Instead, I tore the sail down as an offering

Queasy, I vomit the contents of myself below

Try to pour every ounce into the

Reflective pool of fear

Salty surrender

I drink myself

To fill what never becomes full

Starvational absence

Desperation akin to madness

Delusional rhapsody

I consider the dive to the bottom

Pressurized collapse

I strike out in fury

Bid my reflection vanish

Sit in the pour

Hurricane hypnotized

I closed my eyes

I got stuck in yours

Lost in their storm

I am so puny in your pupils

Waves, do nothing but wave

Can I ever reach land when

All I do is beg to drown

What a captivating cruise

What an incandescent blue

What light is left for me without you?

#poem #poetry #writing #spilled ink #twcpoetry #poeticstories #this is to say #im lost in your eyes #and it fucking hurts #is that a good pickup line? #is this poem any decent i really cant fucking tell

[bass-alien]

I just want to be someone’s favorite, I just want to be enough

#but I never have been #and I never will be #and it fucking hurts

[pealeii]

WHY AM I SO TENSE ALL THE TIME FUCKK

#IT INHIBITS MY SINGING VOICE #AND IT FUCKING HURTS #irl

[notawisewriter]

I told my mom I'll unalive myself and she'll regret then...she said I give myself much more importance than I deserve.

haha, life's going great.

#lmfao anyways #my mom hates me #and it fucking hurts #but anyways #im fine #am i really? #we fought

[butterflies-and-bumble-bees]

🙃.

#doing anything with my dad's side of the family sucks cause all i can see is when i had a dad and me and my cousin were just 2 little girls #playing with her baby alive doll and doing each other's nails #back when we still talked to each other #and it fucking hurts

[boomerang109]

OWWWWWW

#somehow?? i swiped my toothbrush across the little piece of skin that attaches your tongue to the bottom of your mouth #and I like. swiped off. apiece of it. i broke it #and it fucking hurts #I INJURED MYSELF BRUSHING MY TEETH #LIKE WTF #life of a boomerang

[this-geek]

I feel like it is correct to say that Aziraphale fell first but Crowley fell harder

It's also safe to say I am dead inside after that finale

#ineffable husbands #they are in love #and it fucking hurts #good omens #good omens season two spoilers #good omens spoilers #aziraphale #crowley #good omens 2

[rinwhore]

kakucho's birthday was unknown and it got me thinking that we'll never ever be able celebrate his day. Never. No Kaku Day nor Kaku Month. No. Nothing. Nada.

#it kills me thinking about this #bc #he's one of the best best best best boy in tr #like literally the best #he's kind and loyal and soft and cute and hot and friendly and fuck he's all the good things in this world #despite his tragic atory #story* #he lost his family #and then he lost another family #and then sacrificed his life for his friend #boy never really got the happy life and happy ending that he deserves #and then this??? even his birthday is unknown and iwll never be celebrated by us #sorry for the typo but u get it ok anws as i was saying #we will never have a kaku day we will never be able to celebrate his day we will not be having all these stuff we see every birthday of our #+fave character #and it fucking hurts #this is so unfair for kakucho

[nymphaforesta]

been having a stiff neck since yesterday and I can't move or do anything<333 isn't that nice!!!!

#and it fucking hurts

[vandalizeme]

In my humble and delusional opinion, enough alcohol can in fact solve anything.

#maybe not this exact thing lmao but I’ll make myself miserable trying #I’m probably going to end up drunk posting #but it’s fine #personal #I cut my finger cutting up felt for a project #and it fucking hurts