#I got to a point in piano lessons where my teacher stopped giving me specific notes and just started like

[cassmouse]

Getting an absolutely perfect two minutes of playing a piano piece on a recording and then fucking it up so royally that you have to scrap the whole recording

#fucking hate piano sometimes #all this work and what did it get me... #CLASSICAL TOO because I now have to formally apologise to chopin #(sorry chopin my dude) #(not my fault your style is so weird) #I mean how do you get the piece to MEAN SOMETHING when you keep fucking it uppp #and don't even get me started on emotional playing how the fuck do people manage that properly throughout #I cannot #am I just really emotionally immature or what #playing with emotion is hard as hell #and worse because that's not something someone can teach you yk?? #I got to a point in piano lessons where my teacher stopped giving me specific notes and just started like #telling me to play it with specific technique?? #or with more emotion?? #HOW?? #I'm kinda getting there lmao #considering I'm playing the piece chopin literally composed for his dead/dying wife it shouldn't be hard but it is lmao #cass thinks ab stuff

[drea-exclusives]

Creative Nonfiction Essay: My Journey Through Music and Piano

If I had to choose one aspect of my life that has played the most integral role in my mental growth and development, it would be music — more specifically, piano. For as long as I can remember, music has been a significant part of my life. You see, I grew up in a family of musicians; almost all of my closest relatives on my mum’s side have some sort of musical background or are involved in music. My mum and her two sisters all learnt the piano, with her eldest sister being a senior piano teacher (who would go on to give me an abundance of guidance in my journey and teach me music theory for 2 years later in life). Meanwhile, my cousins and brother collectively picked up a combination of piano, violin, guitar, and drums in their adolescence, and either taught lessons part-time or were part of the worship team in church.

It was safe to say that my family had envisioned a similar life for me from the very start, where my life would revolve around the world of music. I mean this quite literally, as my mum would tell me that she played Mozart’s pieces while she was still pregnant with me and joke about that being the reason I was born with musical talent. Although I wasn’t quite aware of these details and their significance when I was younger, I would soon begin to feel the immense pressure to perform well and live up to my “fate.” But on top of that, I would discover that this journey I was about to embark on would consist of so many other lessons apart from techniques, skill sets, and repertoire; it would also shape who I was as an individual, including my relationship with piano and music, as well as my resilience.

I was five years old when my journey with music properly began as my mum enrolled me in the Junior Music Course (JMC), a programme that teaches kids to play the keyboard and helps them develop fundamental skills in music. I don’t remember much from this time since I was so young, but I do know that some of my fondest childhood memories were from these classes where we sang, played, and learnt in a fun way. We would be accompanied by our parents and have occasional performances along with parties to celebrate milestones in the course. I was a shy and timid kid who didn’t socialise much, but having my mum supporting and being there for me made that course a lot less nerve-wracking and enjoyable.

After completing JMC, I had progressed to Grade 1 under the ABRSM programme when I was seven years old, the first of eight grades that I would have to go through to complete the programme. I still recall the panic and fear that dawned on me when my mum said she couldn’t accompany me to classes anymore. It was from this point onwards that I realised I would have to encounter a lot of new and scary experiences on my own; this was what it meant to be growing up. Albeit, I soon found my footing in this environment without too much trouble, as my teachers would often say that I didn’t have to worry considering I was talented and had plenty of potential.

However, Grade 3 was my first recalled instance of conflict in my journey — I didn’t enjoy piano anymore. As school began to get tougher, piano also started becoming a lot less effortless; it had turned from a pleasant hobby into a frustrating and tedious chore that was forced upon nine-year-old me by my mum and my aunt. My dad never had many opinions regarding my piano lessons as he had no knowledge of or involvement in music in the past. Hence, when my mum and aunt told me that I couldn’t stop, I had no choice but to grit my teeth and push on. Even so, it got harder to pursue and remain driven to excel in something in which I had lost interest. This showed a lot more evidently as I progressed to grades 4 and 5 when I was going through that weird and uncomfortable phase of puberty; not only did I feel alone in my doubts and insecurities, but I felt helpless as my family only watched as I struggled with continuing on in my piano journey. 

These struggles would reach a peak when I switched to a new piano teacher in Grade 6, and everything that I had built up would come tumbling down as my mental health during this journey reached an all-time low. It was a traumatic two years I spent with this young teacher who had a temper and no patience or empathy for her students. Her extremely high standards combined with those traits would leave me feeling talentless and as if I was a burden through her degrading and gaslighting. By this point, I was crying in the back of the car almost every week when my parents would send me to my piano lessons. I was still unallowed to stop as I was so close to Grade 8 and finishing the programme; my mum and aunt thought that it would be a waste for me to come so far and to stop now. In hindsight, I understand their intentions as they only wanted the best for me, but part of me wonders if things would’ve changed if they had only known just how much I was going through back then.

They say that nothing lasts forever, and indeed, this phase of suffering ended and things finally began looking up for me. My Grade 6 teacher had left to continue her studies overseas, and it was right after that I found out I had gotten a distinction for my exam — the highest grade one can achieve. It was as if all the demeaning she put me through till the very end contrasted with my results, because clearly, the examiner saw my potential and hard work; this marked the start of regaining my self-esteem and believing in myself once again. Things only got better from here as I switched to yet another teacher, who would go on to become my favourite teacher and the one who restored my self-confidence, as well as the person who had more faith in me than I have ever had in myself throughout this entire journey.

I couldn’t have been in more shock than I was during our first lesson. I was already coping with tons of anxiety, fear, and stress from changing to a new music centre and starting all over again after a torturous two years. What more than having to disappoint this new teacher when he finds out that I am completely uninspired and have no interest whatsoever in performing well as I am forced to complete my Grade 8? But I couldn’t have been more wrong, as this man saw my potential from our very first class when I performed badly after not having practised my pieces for a month post-exam. It was through him that my entire perspective on piano and music was broadened and changed. For once in my life, I actually enjoyed the learning process despite the struggles and looked forward to classes every week. My improvement was so noticeable that even my dad commented on my newfound energy and hope, which was not regular for the man who mostly treated my practices as background noise and music.

Despite all the good events occurring, all good things must come to an end. After I had completed my Grade 8 exam at the beginning of 2021, I continued lessons with no confirmed plans or directions for the future for slightly over half a year, until I decided to stop and focus on my SPM exams. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, because although I acknowledged my potential to flourish and soar to greater heights under my teacher, part of me knew deep down that this wasn’t what I wanted to do. It was a conflicting period, as I found myself contemplating pursuing my diploma in piano, which never would’ve happened before I met my teacher. But I knew that I didn’t have the passion to continue in this field, and that I was partly only thinking about going down this route because I felt as if I had no other redeeming qualities or talents. Letting go of what could’ve been difficult, but I knew that I had to end this phase of my life for there were better things to come. But this journey will forever leave a lasting impact on me, and despite all that I have been through, I will forever be grateful to have been on this path and experienced the memories I have that remain with me until today.

[bookandcover]

A couple years ago, Michelle Obama’s book was recommended to me with glowing praise by a college friend (who reads a lot of the memoir/autobiography genre, and who felt this book stood out). I’ve meant to read it since then, and I was really glad to sit down with it as the March choice for our family’s Anti-Racism Book Club. Michelle Obama has a real nice writing style: direct, specific, and authentic. It maybe sounds unfair to say that I was “pleasantly surprised” by how strong the writing was; this was not because of Michelle herself, but because of the “memoirs by non-writer celebrities” genre where I have generally had low expectations when it comes to literary style and book structure. I really enjoyed the way Michelle writes, though. Her descriptions are specific and vivid. I felt, during the first half of the book, like I was reading a novel. I kept forgetting this energetic and self-aware girl was Michelle Obama. She seemed like a relatable, realistic protagonist in a YA book, growing up in her sharply-observed Chicago neighborhood. Her family stories and her friendships felt so concrete and were so easy to picture through the descriptions and imagery. The narrative always felt natural, well-paced, and engaging.

As Michelle’s narration arrived at the point in time when she appeared more frequently in the public eye, I was able to reconcile her vividly drawn youth with the things I knew about Michelle and the Obamas separate from this book. The blending of both selves/personas was really effective, as Michelle filled in public image outlines with color and heart by sharing the details of life in the White House. Michelle humanizes the places she lives, and her observations of the White House, its traditions and conventions both upheld and pushed against in meaningful ways by the Obama family, made their lives possible for me to imagine. From Michelle’s appreciation of being able to get her own mug from a cabinet without being offered help in her post-Presidency life to her insistence that her daughters make their own beds in the White House, the concreteness of their lives is always present in these pages. I loved getting such personal insights into a part of American public life that we are all aware of (there’s a First Family, there’s a White House), but that normally transcends the practical and specific in our minds.  

I felt, through Michelle’s well-chosen descriptions, the challenging burden of the security that surrounded their family at all times during these years. This was poignantly captured in the scene where Michelle and Barack plan a trip to NYC for dinner and play, only to understand how many people they’ve inconvenience through this small trip, as Manhattan streets are barricaded by their security and Secret Service agents scan and check everyone entering the restaurant after them. Sometimes the smallest details capture the feeling of life in the White House most vividly. I was struck by Michelle’s explanation that she couldn’t step out on the Truman Balcony—the only semi-private outdoor space at the White House—without first alerting the security who would clear the area below the South Lawn of the White House where tourists stopped for photos. Therefore, she knew she’d never use it. Just like going out to dinner and a show in NYC, simple things created such a huge operation and hassle for those around them, that it felt natural and necessary to stop doing them. I thought it was interesting to see that, despite these challenges, the area where the Obamas weren’t willing to limit and to hold back was in the experiences of their children. Michelle was frustrated with the security process when a changed young people’s plan—heading to get ice cream spontaneously—was thwarted for Malia while she waited for an hour for her head of security to arrive from the suburbs. Michelle told the security planners and organizers, “if you’re going to protect a kid, you’ve got to be able to move like a kid,” and the appropriate adjustments were made. Michelle prioritized her children’s rich experiences throughout their years in the White House, taking them to Washington D.C. museums, and skiing at Liberty Mountain, and along on international trips.

This emphasis on the vividness and diversity of her children’s experiences seemed to echo Michelle’s own upbringing, although she didn’t explicitly draw this connection. While, at times, Michelle was frustrated by aspects of her upbringing—embarrassed that her mother hand-sewed her clothes while other teenagers sported trendy outfits, or angry at her equally stubborn great-aunt Robbie over her piano lessons, when Michelle wanted to quickly skip to more advanced pieces rather than grinding over the basics—she overwhelmingly feels the love and care that surrounds her every day. She explains her father’s fortitude and strength; living with multiple sclerosis for decades, he continued to maintain his quality work and support his family, never wanting to focus on his pain or his physical deterioration. Michelle tells a heartbreaking story about a day when her father was too overwhelmed by pain to make it from their house to his car to drive to work and sank down on the doorstep, while Michelle watched him surreptitiously. She decided to give him a few minutes and then offer help, but when she looked back outside he had made it to his truck and gone to work for the whole day.

Michelle also gives huge credit for her positive upbringing and her educational successes to her mother’s care, tracing the impact this had on her education and career trajectory. She explains how when her mother understood that Michelle’s second grade classroom was not a productive environment, with a teacher who did not challenge the students nor show them care, she went to the school to advocate for an advanced placement program that allowed Michelle and other high-performing students to benefit from a more self-directed learning environment, a high-quality teacher, and new schoolwork and projects. Michelle knows that having someone watching over her education, and advocating for her before she could do this for herself, made all the difference. She also speaks about her mother’s creativity and the ways she made Michelle and her older brother Craig’s childhoods rich with experiences. Michelle recalls that she made a chimney and fireplace from painted cardboard one year for Christmas and describes her mother upholding New Year’s Eve traditions filled with board games and specially-prepared food.

The richness of Michelle’s upbringing with her family and community’s warmth, care, and love, in a space that would be stereotypically discounted as poor and getting poorer, reminded me a lot of my own childhood. I grew up in a poor neighborhood in increasingly socio-economically stratified Seattle in the 90’s, but never once felt like I was missing anything with two parents who spent quality time with me every single day. Michelle’s extended family forms a vibrant and lively community in her South Side of Chicago neighborhood, forming a support structure that seems to never leave Michelle wanting for anything, perceiving herself to be loved and valued and encouraged, building her the most solid of life foundations. Even when her parents had so little, they saved and borrowed to send Michelle on a trip with her classmates to Paris because they wanted her to experience the world. Even though Michelle raises her children in a very different socio-economic context, it’s clear that the exact same values guide her and Barack’s parenting. I think Michelle and Barack’s efforts to prioritize their family and their daughters’ upbringing is something that was visible about them during their time in the White House. This focus shone through and their love for each other always seemed so genuine. It was lovely to see that contextualized in Becoming.

More than just Michelle’s upbringing was relatable to me. I found her experiences when she attended Princeton, vaulting suddenly into a different environment than what she’d known, an environment steeped in the specific traditions of an old New England college, to be likewise relatable (yes, what is squash? I’d thought this was just a nickname for the sport, and laughed loudly the first several times I heard it as an incoming freshman). The socio-economic context shift from childhood to college that Michelle experienced was quite similar to my own. Her experiences in her 20s, too, of trying to figure out who she wants to be in a career/work space and how to let go of the “trappings of success” instilled in her by her high-powered education also rang very true for me. Even her love of eating out at the same haunt, her engagement with pop culture, her routine listening to music, her interest in leveraging fashion for social justice impact—these small things were similar to my experiences and preferences, and they made Michelle someone I really wanted to connect with and befriend. I felt these connections within the knowledge that every single experiences of Michelle’s has occurred within the context of race. Even though I felt I related to many of her experiences and thoughts, I can never understand how all of these were shaped by the systematic racism that permeates all facets of life in America. Yet, I think Michelle wants her story to be accessible, relatable not necessarily in similarity but in shared humanity. In connecting with her and identifying with her, many people can find inspiration and encouragement through her journey, as she herself acknowledges. And while I know that the people in America who most need to see this and believe in it—a Black woman from the South Side of Chicago having the experiences and achievements that Michelle has had—I think her empowerment has a broad resonance that inspires striving from within every kind of under-representation, a vote of confidence for every kind of diversity.

Right at the end of the book, Michelle beautifully articulates her faith in change, hope, and this kind of common humanity. As she describes Lin-Manuel Miranda’s musical Hamilton, she writes “it told a story about America that allowed the diversity in.” This description made me cry because it is full of hope. America has a long way to go in terms of achieving racial equality. I thought it was interesting to see how heavily Michelle was criticized during the first campaign when her statement “for the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country” (followed by “because it feels like hope is making a comeback”) was taken out of context. I think that, today, in the political climate of 2020 that continues into 2021, a lot more direct criticism of America is accepted. Today, there seems to be a much stronger understanding that BIPOC speaking up about race and staying they have never been safe, have never been equal, have never been happy in America is our reality. This language isn’t something that is dismissed or attacked in the same way it was in 2008/2009. Sure, the standards of “accepted language” are probably always different for someone running for political office (although has our recent former President all but obliterated such standards?), but I think there’s a much wider percentage of the American population today who feels that strong criticism of America on the grounds of race is appropriate, and necessary. Setting aside the context of Michelle’s rise to public visibility, I think she independently has incredible hope (not manufactured, not over-done, but realistic, enduring) in America. She ties this hope to the connections she felt when she campaigned in Iowa and didn’t see the working white class voters there as vastly different from herself and her upbringing. She ties this hope to the young people who devoted their lives and time and energy to Obama’s campaign. On her Becoming book tour (I watched the documentary on Netflix this week), she ties this hope to the young women of color who she connects with who are fighting for their education and their opportunities. She ties this hope to her own daughters, growing up strong and independently-minded.

In the final pages of this book, as the next President casts an appalling shadow over the things Michelle and Barack fought for, Michelle chooses to look to the musical Hamilton, as one concrete example of the hope she feels, in spite of setbacks, in spite of the slowness of change. Michelle leaves the White House mentally reviewing for herself the impacts that they had during their time there, the positive changes that they made, from the tiny things to the giant things, and her ability to look at the world this way—while showing how much this is not an easy thing to do, nor a perspective to take for granted—is one of the powerful impacts and truths of this book.

#becoming #michelle obama #memoir #autobiography #important reading #representation #anti-racism book club #seventh book of 2021

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Bonus 4.2 - UTDP (Still Mostly Kaito Edition)

This is postgame content, so people shouldn’t be reading this without having already finished the main game anyway. But just to be safe: while this is non-canon character stuff, I will sometimes be mentioning events that happened in the main story, so there will be spoilers for the main game.

Last time in the first half of my Kaito-centric Ultimate Talent Development Plan coverage, it was all about Kaito helping people! Kaito encouraged Shuichi to use his detective skills to help out his schoolmates, and Shuichi passed some of Kaito’s advice about relying on people onto Kyoko. After some incredibly stubborn persistence to even get her to open up in the first place, Kaito nudged Maki into letting Kaede play piano at her orphanage, and Maki also bonded a little with Chihiro over keeping secrets and projecting their issues onto a dead bird. Then, after a brief sports festival interlude, Kaito helped Mondo be more positive about his future, and I lengthily compared Mondo and Chihiro’s relationship to Kaito and Shuichi’s one in canon, because both had similar issues and dynamics going on.

There’s still a bunch more Kaito-related stuff to cover in this mode, so let’s start off this second half on a high note, shall we?

Ryoma (featuring Kaito’s issues)

Another of Kaito’s friendly events is with Ryoma, so you can bet I’m interested in it. Remember, Kaito’s fondness for tennis meant he looked up to Ryoma as a hero, and as a result, all of Kaito’s unreasonably high standards for heroes that usually only apply to himself also apply to Ryoma. Ryoma therefore provides a delightful look into Kaito’s hero issues that can’t really be found anywhere else in this AU, since Kaito hasn’t been dying, and nor has Shuichi been saving everyone’s lives in class trials without seeming to need Kaito’s help.

This scene also features Usami – yes, she’s also here in this mode, as is Monomi, though never at the same time. I don’t even know, just go with it.

Usami:  “I just came to talk to Ryoma! I’m everyone’s teacher… so if you ever wanna talk to me about something, please feel free!”

Ryoma:  “Thanks, but there’s nothing to talk about. Don’t bother with me. Go back to your students. It feels… wrong for such a cheery mascot like you to be around someone like me.”

Kaito:  “Really? I think talking about stuff will help. Come on, just talk to her.”

Of course Ryoma talking about things will help! And it’s… actually rather surprising to see Kaito doing something that amounts to trying to help Ryoma get stronger, by encouraging him to do this. Kaito is usually so hung up on Ryoma being weak in the first place that he can’t even get as far as suggesting some kind of help for him. So I can only assume that the reason he manages to do so in this instance is because Usami was the one to suggest it first, which made Kaito actually briefly see Ryoma as someone in need of support for once, because she was treating him that way, and agree with her.

Ryoma:  “Hmph… is being nosy your talent or something?”

In my Kaito-isn’t-into-tennis AU, I wrote Ryoma’s POV describing Kaito as “nosy” for reasons I couldn’t quite place, but it seems I was subconsciously remembering that he does so here, even though I didn’t recall the details of this scene back then. Kind of like how Maki considers anyone worrying about her to be “gross”, “nosy” may well be Ryoma’s way to refer to people who are going out of their way to help him, as a way to try and brush off their help because he doesn’t consider himself worth it.

(In that sense, yes, being nosy practically is Kaito’s talent. Or at least it is with everyone except Ryoma.)

Kaito:  “What did you say?”

Usami:  “Hey! Fighting’s a no-no!”

Kaito:  “We’re not gonna fight. There’s no use butting heads with him anyway. Because this guy’s a total sad sack now. He used to be an amazing athlete before.”

Being called nosy probably wouldn’t normally rile Kaito up, not when he considers it a good thing to be invested in other people’s wellbeing. But apparently something about it coming from Ryoma in particular gets to him and causes him to snap right back to his Ryoma-specific mindset of “he’s not worth helping because he’s supposed to be a hero but he’s weak”. Specifically, I think it might be because the “nosy” comment was essentially Ryoma brushing off Kaito’s attempt to offer help. That refusal to even try and get stronger is another kind of weakness – and a more meaningful kind, one that it makes more sense to be upset at someone about, because it’s a choice.

Not that that’s a thing that usually stops Kaito from trying to help someone, of course! He openly called Maki a coward for running away from her issues at first, but that didn’t change the fact that he knew she had the potential to be brave enough to face them, if he just pestered her stubbornly enough to convince her. It usually takes a lot for Kaito to conclude that someone really is beyond help and isn’t ever going to decide to change, as we saw with Kokichi in canon. But not when it’s Ryoma, apparently. Even though Usami got Kaito to temporarily see past Ryoma’s initial weakness and try to help, refusing that help even once and not wanting to change is even more weak of Ryoma, and is therefore again disgraceful for a hero and sent Kaito’s opinion of him right back to square one.

Which seems quite relevant to how Kaito was in canon, considering how much he refused any help with his own weaknesses. Particularly in trial 4, where it was very apparent that he was struggling to face the truth and should have reached out for support, and he was only making himself look even more obviously weak by not doing that.

This moment here with Ryoma, thanks to Usami letting Kaito get as far as offering help at all, is essentially illustrating to Kaito that if a hero does do the unacceptable and be weak in the first place, then refusing help for it when people can already see that he needs it only looks even weaker and even less heroic of him, and he should at least cut his losses and accept help. I would say that if only a moment like this with Ryoma had happened in canon then it might have served as a lesson of How Not To Be A Worse Hero (When You’re Already A Bad One) and taught Kaito to actually accept the support he needed. Buuuut I still very much doubt that, because Kaito here definitely seems to have fallen too far back into his general frustration of “heroes shouldn’t be weak at all!!!” to be using this as any kind of example.

Ryoma:  “You knew about me?”

Kaito:  “A little, yeah…”

Ryoma:  “So you get it now. The Ultimate Tennis Pro… I’m not that guy anymore. That’s in the past.”

Kaito:  “Yeah, I guess not… The Ryoma I knew was invincible and would go up against any opponent.”

Oh, Kaito, why am I so right about you. Throughout all of the lengthy rambles I’ve written about Kaito’s unhealthily unrealistic standards for heroes, including the fact that he also applies these standards to Ryoma, I had basically forgotten about this scene and didn’t use it to help me figure any of that stuff out. And yet here Kaito is, describing the Ryoma that he looked up to as invincible. Of course he saw him that way. Kaito’s writers have always known exactly what they’re doing and I love it.

Usami:  “K-Kaito… Is everything okay!? Please calm down!”

Kaito:  “My bad… I’m gonna go cool off.”

[Kaito leaves the room]

I like how Usami managed to notice, even though it wasn’t showing that much in his face based on his sprites, that Kaito was beginning to get really worked up about this. And credit to Kaito for actually acknowledging this when it’s pointed out, apologising for it (a more worthwhile apology than like 90% of the ones he ever gives) and leaving to calm down. Kaito can often react to things that upset him with a cycle of getting more and more riled up until he snaps in some way. At least in this case, he realised that he doesn’t want to end up lashing out as that doesn’t help anyone, and that the best thing for him to do is to just step away from the situation before he reaches that point. This is Kaito actually showing decent self-care! That’s rare.

…It’s probably only because Usami pointed it out to him. I said it’s ridiculous that she’s even here in this AU, but… Usami actually subtly did a lot for Kaito in this scene. Maybe he ought to talk to her. (You know, because Kaito is so good at talking to people about his issues.)

Usami:  “The air feels so tense… It’s all my fault…  I shouldn’t have said anything at all…”

No, Usami, you did a good. If you hadn’t been here and it’d just been Kaito and Ryoma, Kaito wouldn’t have even vaguely acknowledged the possibility of helping Ryoma and might have actually lashed out at him. This is a scene about Kaito’s issues with Ryoma, but it seems the writers included Usami in it for a reason.

The scene ends with Ryoma acknowledging that Usami cares about him, but also saying that he’s still not planning on actually talking to her and accepting her support. Damn it, Ryoma, you aren’t helping yourself either. He needs someone a lot more stubborn than Usami to really get through to him, but… yeah, there’s an issue with that, isn’t there.

There’s also a final year seasonal event that somewhat follows up on this. Ryoma heads to the gym to help Himiko set up for her Christmas magic show and finds Kaito already there.

Kaito:  “Oh…”

This is Kaito’s evasive face. This particular kind of reaction rather reminds me of Kaito’s reactions to Shuichi’s presence in early chapter 5. Which is only appropriate, since this is a similar situation of him awkwardly not really wanting to talk to someone who sets off his issues, but not wanting to admit why either.

Ryoma:  “Did Himiko get you to help her out, too?”

Kaito:  “Well, something like that. You too?”

Ryoma:  “Yeah. I may not be as fit as I was back in my glory days, but it should be enough…”

Kaito:  “How pathetic… An athlete at your level should say stuff like, ‘I’ll take on any challenge!’”

Heroes like Ryoma are meant to be full throttle, larger than life, all the time, with no half measures. That’s what Kaito’s like when he’s setting an example for his sidekicks and anyone else he’s trying to inspire; Ryoma’s supposed be like that too!!

It’s not even acceptable that Ryoma is saying he’s still strong enough to get the job done and is going to do his best. Simply admitting to any kind of weakness in the first place isn’t allowed and will definitely prevent anything else he says from ever being inspiring. (Won’t it?)

Ryoma:  “Hmph… Don’t bring up such an old story now. Those days are long past.”

Kaito:  “I don’t care about your past!”

Kaito, you extremely care about his past. Not about the past of him being a murderer that led to all his self-loathing, because he doesn’t have to let that define him and can move on from it and do better in future. That’s a lot like Maki’s situation, and obviously Kaito doesn’t care about her past in that sense, so I can believe he also wouldn’t do so analogously with Ryoma. But here they were actually talking about Ryoma’s past before the murders, when he used to be a superstar athlete. Kaito very obviously still cares about that past, because that’s why he can’t deal with Ryoma properly. If Kaito was capable of seeing Ryoma as nothing but the person he is today, then he’d be able to help like can usually help anyone.

Kaito:  “There are plenty of tennis players that look up to you. They’re trying to surpass your memory. One of them might become the next Ultimate Tennis Pro! So quit it with that mopey face you’ve got on all the time! When you see a tennis fan, can’t you just smile at him and say, ‘Tennis is pretty great, huh?’”

Kaito is kind of giving some reasonable advice here, but only on the level on which he looks up to Ryoma as his tennis hero. He’s managing to encourage Ryoma to be a little better at being that hero to people who look up to him, even if he’s not necessarily ever going to pick up a racket again. That’s something, but it’s not remotely what Ryoma really needs; it’s really more just what Kaito wanted from him.

Kaito:  “That’s all… I just wanted to say that to you before we graduate.”

Apparently this really has been bothering Kaito on and off for the past three years such that he would have regretted not getting to say it in the end. But still, “you should be a better hero” is not remotely addressing the real problem here, Kaito. Three years and Kaito was still too hung up on Ryoma being a disappointment of a hero to actually be able to figure out how to help.

Ryoma:  “Were you… just waiting for a chance to talk to me about tennis?”

Ryoma, perceptive as he is, does seem to have picked up that this whole speech Kaito just gave him was really more for Kaito’s own benefit. He just did it because he wanted Ryoma to become someone willing to talk to him, or at least others like him, about tennis.

Ryoma:  “Well, even if I agreed to… do you really think you’re qualified to talk to me about tennis? Well… you’d probably say that something like that didn’t matter.”

Kaito:  “Heh, so you do get it after all!”

Kaito has a point here, though. Someone shouldn’t have to also be a superstar with ridiculous anime tennis superpowers to be able to have a conversation about tennis with Ryoma, and if Ryoma’s trying to claim that just to avoid talking to people genuinely interested in tennis, then he’s only making excuses. (And I like how Ryoma’s perceptiveness lets him realise Kaito would say that to him before he even said it.)

Apparently Ryoma and Kaito do then end up chatting about tennis with each other as they set up the stage, which is at least some level of progress for both of them. Ryoma would probably have refused to talk about tennis if this’d been earlier on, but by now it seems he’s mellowed out enough – for reasons that have nothing to do with Kaito, of course – to be up for it if pushed. On Kaito’s end, though, this is still only him interacting with Ryoma as a fan of his and a fellow tennis enthusiast. He hasn’t stopped being incapable of properly seeing and helping with Ryoma’s real problems because of his own messed-up standards for heroes.

But even though Kaito still wasn’t able or even really willing to help him, we don’t have to worry about Ryoma in this universe. We can see this most clearly in one of Mahiru’s third year winter scenes in which she’s giving him some photos that he asked her to take as keepsakes of his time here…

Ryoma:  “I won’t let it end so easily. During the three years we spent in this academy… I found something I don’t want to let go of. Something I thought I’d never find again… And your pictures… have captured their smiles so clearly. These pictures will always remind me that the time I spent here was worth every second.”

…so, Ryoma’s going to be okay. He’s found his new reason to live.

Year 2 seasonal events

Year 2’s seasonal event is the school festival in which a lot of the students are doing shows or exhibits displaying their talents. Kaito isn’t doing anything like that himself and only helped set up the stage, but then he can check out one of the shows afterwards.

-      Can’t miss Kaede’s recital

Kaito’s POV wording for this option is great. It’s not just that he’s checking out Kaede’s show because eh why not – he actively doesn’t want to miss it!

Kaede:  “Huh…? You came by yourself, Kaito?”

Kaito:  “Yeah, my bad. Shuichi’s not here yet, but he’s on his way.”

Kaito, why are you apologising just because you didn’t bring Shuichi when she didn’t even ask you to? The fact that Kaito apparently on some level feels like this counts as doing something wrong suggests that he assumes Kaede doesn’t think much of him on his own and only ever cares about seeing him if he has Shuichi with him.

(I’d be surprised that he doesn’t know Kaede better than that, but… maybe what other people think of him is another inherent blind spot in Kaito’s intuition. I never quite thought about it in that way before, but that really does make a lot of sense and is kind of heartbreaking to think about. Oh, Kaito, you idiot.)

Kaede:  “I-I didn’t mean it like that! It’s just… I’m a little surprised you came to listen to classical music.”

But of course Kaede didn’t mean her comment in the way Kaito assumed! Instead, however, it seems that she similarly assumes that Kaito doesn’t think much of her on her own and would only ever come to her recital if he was tagging along with Shuichi, rather than for his own enjoyment.

Kaito:  “Hey, of course I’d come. You’re the one playing, so there’s no way I’d miss it.”

Obviously, though! Kaito respects and admires Kaede a lot, so of course he’d want to see her doing the thing she’s best at and loves so much! Classical music may not be personally Kaito’s area of interest, but that doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate Kaede’s passion for it and get excited about it anyway!

Kaito:  “I know you’re gonna do great! As far as I’m concerned, you’re the best pianist out there!

Everyone is supposed to think Kaede is the best pianist out there; that’s literally the point of her being the Ultimate Pianist. So I love how Kaito doesn’t care about that, and instead he makes a point that her being so great at this is his opinion of her.

While it’s less prominent in this AU, Hope’s Peak tends to do the rather unhealthy thing of putting people’s talents first and acting like that’s the only thing about them that matters. If Kaede is the Ultimate Pianist, then that means that her being so great at the piano is just the baseline expectation for someone with that title and not really anything special at all. But Kaito doesn’t see her as an Ultimate who’s already destined to be good at her thing – he sees her as a fully-rounded person first and foremost who just happens to have an amazing talent that deserves to be praised and admired rather than expected of her. And he does this despite spending all day every day surrounded by Ultimates and being one himself to the point that someone being talented at a particular thing should be difficult to see as anything special any more. He’s so good.

Kaito:  “Be confident and knock their socks off. I’ll be watching from the seats!”

Kaede:  “Hahaha, thanks. That’s so Kaito of you.”

I love Kaede using “Kaito” as an adjective, much like I’ve done many times throughout this commentary. His personality is so impactful and distinctive that sometimes there’s no better way to encapsulate it than that. And the fact that Kaede does this goes to show that she also appreciates Kaito’s outlook a lot, because she wouldn’t describe it in this way that expresses just how uniquely him it is if she didn’t.

Both Kaede and Kaito assume that the other doesn’t think much of them or see them as anything more than another close friend of Shuichi’s, but they’re so wrong! You should be better friends with each other as well, you two! You have so much in common other than just being Shuichi’s friend!

Kaito’s other two options for the festival aren’t especially noteworthy. He can talk to Ibuki before her concert and see that she’s already plenty hyped up about it without his help, or he can check out a fashion show featuring the class 1 girls and have “Junko” (really Mukuro) accuse him of being a perv when he’s genuinely just interested in the show. (Why wouldn’t he be interested? There’s nothing unnecessary in this world!)

However, Kaito’s appearances in other people’s events for this school festival are all quite noteworthy in one way or another.

One of these festival events is with Byakuya. This is not someone you’d expect Kaito to go out of his way to talk to, because he’s empatically neither someone Kaito respects for being invested in helping others, nor someone who might benefit from Kaito’s support. But apparently there is one reason Kaito is interested in him, and therefore approaches him after a speech he was giving at the festival…

Kaito:  “I’ve got a question for you! The Togami Corporation funds all kinds of stuff, right? What about space exploration?”

…Which is, of course, SPACE.

Byakuya:  “That is within our power. The Togami group, and myself, can move mountains. We are obligated to spread our grasp into space. A loser like you wouldn’t understand.”

Byakuya, you asshole, you are talking to the Ultimate Astronaut; if you actually cared about a Togami space program then he’d be an incredible asset to that. Evidently Byakuya does not actually care about space travel itself and is only interested in doing this as a way to make his name seem even more big and important.

Kaito:  “I’m no loser! I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!”

…At one point in the main commentary I mentioned that Kaito never actually responds to being called useless (which “loser” is pretty analogous to) in this overblown way. But that was because that kind of overblown response would have sounded like an obviously-desperate defence during the times when he actually was afraid he was useless. Here in this AU, though, Kaito has no such issues going on, so all that’s happening here is his genuine overblown confidence. Being called a loser just bounced right off him; he knows he’s not.

(Also look at how Kaito would rather inform Byakuya that he’s the Luminary of the Stars, even though him being the Ultimate Astronaut is pretty relevant to this conversation. His luminary title is so much more important to him.)

Kaito:  “But I see you understand how great outer space is.”

I am kind of surprised though that Kaito didn’t pick up on the fact that Byakuya doesn’t understand how great space is, at least not in any meaningful way.

Kaito:  “Alright! I’ll make you my sidekick!”

…Kaito? Clearly Byakuya is not a potential sidekick, what are you doing.

Kaito then apparently spends a while following Byakuya around and pestering him about space despite his protests. Given this, I can only assume that in this instance Kaito means a somewhat different kind of sidekick, one that only applies in the context of space travel. Obviously Kaito is the foremost authority on space around here, so he wants to teach Byakuya all about space exploration and how he can make the Togami corporation the best at space. Maybe Kaito does realise that Byakuya only “understands” how great space is in the sense that he superficially recognises it’s big and important, and so Kaito wants to teach him exactly why it’s so great so that Byakuya will definitely decide to throw all of his money at it.

Kaito, cut your losses, dude. You could do so, so much better than him for a space sidekick.

On a similar but much more interesting note, Kaito can also interact with Izuru Kamukura. (Yes, he’s in this mode like it’s no big deal. Hajime is also in this mode. They’re never both seen or mentioned in the same scene, so I guess we’re just running with two alternate universes here?)

Kaito:  “How about it? You wanna become my sidekick, too?”

And Kaito just casually offers this out of nowhere after they’ve done nothing but help set up the stage together.

Izuru:  “It wouldn’t make sense to have a sidekick who is better than you at everything, right?”

Oh, Izuru, you don’t get it at all. Kaito absolutely can have sidekicks that are better and more capable than him. The only thing required for them to be his sidekick is that there’s something standing in the way of them reaching their full potential, something that Kaito’s support can help with.

Kaito:  “Heh, Ultimate Hope? That’s nothin’! I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!”

Heh, there’s another instance of him seeing his luminary title as far more meaningful than any of these Ultimate talents, even the most Ultimate one of them all.

Izuru:  “I can analyze everything about a future you would follow.”

Kaito:  “Analyze? You’re just talking about predictions. My destiny’s too big to be predicted! Plus… I’ve got Shuichi and Maki Roll as my sidekicks. If we include their strengths, the possibilities are endless.”

Silly Izuru, assuming Kaito has limits, that there are things that might just be impossible for him. That’s not how Kaito works! And I love that Kaito brings his sidekicks into it, too; he believes in their potential so much! More than that, he believes that when people work together, they have unlimited potential that could never be predicted!

Izuru:  “As I predicted, you are an idiot. How boring…”

Kaito:  “That’s a bad habit. If you keep saying that, you’ll start to think everything’s boring. Are you okay with that?”

…See, Kaito gets it. He knew exactly what he was doing in this instance when he asked Izuru to be his sidekick. It doesn’t matter that Izuru is infinitely more talented than him – he still has weakness that he needs help with. After nothing but a brief session of helping each other with some manual labour, Kaito managed to pick up on that. His intuition is incredible.

This weakness of Izuru’s – to see everything as boring because he’s such a super-genius that he can predict every possible outcome – is, as far as I understand it, ultimately the reason he ended up contributing to the apocalypse in his canon storyline, because Junko convinced him it was the least boring thing he could do. But it didn’t necessarily have to be that way. If he’d only had the right help, he could have ended up using his talents to do far more productive things than ending the world.

If anyone could teach Izuru how to have more passion for life, to see the value and excitement in things even if he already knows everything about them, surely it would be Kaito? If anyone could let him realise that people are inherently unpredictable and he’s never going to always know everything that will happen, surely it would also be a beautifully reckless doofus like Kaito?

Plus, Izuru was supposedly implanted with every single talent imaginable, but only insofar as he’s one person. He evidently doesn’t have Kaito’s talent, because that’s all about teamwork and co-operation. Izuru is already a super-genius, but he could be so much better than he is. If Kaito could convince him that this interpersonal kind of talent is worthwhile to have as well, then he could teach him that, and Izuru would learn to value other people’s strengths no matter how predictable they are! There’s just so much Kaito could do for him.

Unfortunately, Izuru brushes Kaito off as boring again and ignores continued attempts to sidekick him, so we can only assume that Kaito eventually backed down and decided it wasn’t worth it because Izuru wasn’t willing to try and change. Which I’m only begrudgingly accepting because if Kaito did succeed in making Izuru listen to him then that’d be the beginning of a whole storyline that this side mode just doesn’t have the capacity for. Otherwise, I really do believe Izuru had the potential to change, and that Kaito would believe that too and not give up so easily.

Just… man, imagine Kaito being a part of actual Hope’s Peak canon and just casually averting the apocalypse because he saw Izuru’s weakness and did his usual Kaito thing and it worked.

At some other point during the festival, Nagito approaches Kaito and is disappointed to hear that the Ultimate Astronaut isn’t putting on any kind of show about space today.

Kaito:  “Oh, are you interested in space, too?”

Nagito:  “Of course I am! The vastness of space… that’s the only stage suitable for your talent, right!? There’s no mistake that you’ll be able to bring hope to the world from outer space!”

Kaito:  “Hmm… something feels off.”

Nagito:  “Off? What do you mean?”

Kaito:  “You’re not interested in space… Or me. That’s how it feels. Like it’d be weird for you to cheer me on…”

Kaito’s intuition is so good. He barely knows Nagito, but he can sense well enough just from a few sentences that Nagito doesn’t actually care about Kaito himself or his interests at all and is only obsessed with the “hope” that he thinks Kaito represents. (Not that Nagito’s concept of it is anything close to the actual meaning of the word “hope”, but let’s not go into that again.) Kaito hasn’t seen enough of Nagito to know for sure that this is the kind of creep he is (like I imagine Nagito’s classmates are probably fully aware by now), but even without that, he can instinctively pick up on it straight away.

Kaito would probably have a lot of very interesting things to say to Nagito if he was exposed to him more and got to know his deal better, especially if it’d been in the context of an actual killing game. …But really, Kaito’s already had to do more than enough giving a piece of his mind to a selfish asshole who keeps making the killing game about himself and his own bullshit philosophy, and there’s so much more to Kaito’s character than just being stuck doing that all the time. Let’s give him a break.

Nagito:  “Hmm… did I get too excited? I’m sorry if my blabbering made you uncomfortable… But it’s true that I want to cheer you on, Kaito…”

Kaito:  “Well, I guess you’re not lying… My bad.”

No, Kaito, not your bad, because you were right! Just because he really isn’t lying about “wanting to cheer you on” doesn’t necessarily mean he cares about you.

This shows something neat about how Kaito treats his hunches that never really came up in the main storyline. If Kaito’s hunch about someone is negative, then he won’t act on it without further proof. Despite how much faith he puts in his intuition, he’ll give someone the benefit of the doubt if they deny whatever negative thing he suspects about them. (We saw this kind of thing very briefly in trial 2 when he picked up that Kirumi was trying to save an “everyone” who wasn’t here but then stopped pushing the subject when she denied it, even though she was lying and he probably still suspected that.) After all, it’s just a hunch. Kaito doesn’t want to form firm negative opinions of someone based only on that, because that’s not fair. That’s just being a dick to someone for what’s really no good reason, especially if it then turns out he was wrong about them and they didn’t deserve it.

Of course, Kaito is quite happy to act upon unfounded positive hunches about people, because why shouldn’t he? There’s nothing wrong with being nice to someone for no reason! Maybe it’ll turn out he was wrong about them and they didn’t really deserve his kindness, but then, still, no-one was hurt; he was just being a bit too reckless by believing in them is all. Kaito is so often recklessly kind like that – yet we can see here that he also tries not to be recklessly unkind. He’s so good.

Elsewhere in the school festival, Mikan is working as a receptionist for the haunted house exhibit. In an attempt to attract more guests, she tries inviting passers-by… one of whom happens to be Kaito. As you can imagine, this does not go down well.

After his initial freakout over the idea, which rather startles poor Mikan, Kaito tries to calm down and talk himself into it.

Kaito:  “Wait, wait… I’m not scared. Everything in there is just fake, right?”

Obviously he doesn’t want to be seen as a coward, but this could also be partly because he feels bad for freaking out at Mikan when she was genuinely just trying to be a good receptionist for the exhibit and doesn’t want to disappoint her.

Mikan:  “Yes… they’re all just props for the festival. So it’d make me happy if you tried it… sorta…”

Kaito:  [looking ill] “Sorry… I still can’t.”

But I’m glad he realises that he’s not going to be able to handle this and backs out before actually forcing himself through the exhibit and fucking up his health a lot more. Sometimes these things just can’t be helped, and that’s okay, Kaito. Looking after yourself is more important than saving face or preventing someone from being mildly disappointed. (And don’t apologise for it, you moron.)

Since Kaito already did make himself feel a little ill just thinking about it, at least he happens to be with Mikan, so she’s able to take care of him.

What interests me the most about this scene, though, is just the fact that it’s here at all. I went over at great length in the main commentary how I’m absolutely convinced that Kaito’s phobia only existed as something that Tsumugi deliberately wrote into him so that she could weaken him when she wanted to. It didn’t make sense for Kaito to have that phobia for any other reason – it was in-universe bad writing that was justified in an out-universe sense because Tsumugi was a lazy writer.

But in this AU, Kaito is not a fictional character written by Tsumugi and nobody is trying to nerf him.  There’s no in-story reason for Kaito to have the phobia in this AU – the only reason is that “he had it in canon”, but the reason he had it in canon does not apply here. Every other one of his character traits is here in this AU not only because he had them in canon, but because they’re all a part of what make him Kaito. But I think it could be argued that his phobia is not a part of what makes him Kaito – it sure as hell isn’t connected to anything else about his character at all – and therefore that it doesn’t need to be here.

So it honestly would have been entirely plausible to me to see Kaito not have the phobia in this AU. They could have instead had a scene of Kaito excitedly going into the haunted house exhibit with absolutely no explanation as to why he’s okay with this, because why should there be an explanation for something he’s never had a problem with in this universe? It would have been a delightful subtle hint as to the reason behind his phobia in canon. I’d have loved that. Alas.

Instead, it seems the writers just decided to take the in-universe bad writing that gave Kaito his phobia originally and make it a part of the out-universe writing for Kaito in this AU. Which I guess is acceptable if we consider that Gonta is also here at all.

Gonta had by far the most obviously-fictional backstory – raised by a race of creatures from a videogame? – and so that shouldn’t be a thing in this universe where he’s not made from fake memories. However, they also can’t just briefly edit it so that in this universe his forest family really were wolves, because wolves don’t have a proper language. Apparently, if a human child is isolated from any kind of language for a prolonged amount of time at the ages Gonta would have been at, it severely fucks up their ability to grasp language at all and they become basically non-functional. This is not an issue with fictional-Gonta, because Reptites are sapient and have a language that he’d have learned instead, so his backstory is perfectly consistent with the person he is. But if some kind of sapient non-human creature is not able to be part of his backstory… Gonta’s entire character falls apart and does not make sense. So Gonta existing as the Gonta we know in any non-fantasy universe in which he wasn’t made from fake memories is bad writing.

The writers had Gonta exist in this AU anyway, of course, because obviously they didn’t want to deprive us of our lovely gentleman friend in this mode, and if that means there’s technically some bad writing here, then so be it. So I guess with Kaito as well, they used that same philosophy of keeping him exactly as he is in canon, even including the parts that make a lot less sense when he’s not made out of Flashback Lights for Tsumugi’s story. Hence Kaito’s phobia still being a thing even when it kind of actually shouldn’t be.

A few more miscellaneous scenes

Kaito’s last friendly event isn’t nearly as interesting to me as the rest of them and I’m not covering it in full, especially because it features Leon and Teruteru and I refuse to quote a single word that comes out of Teruteru’s mouth. But it’s still at least a little worth talking about. The gist of it is that Leon and Teruteru begin to discuss going after girls and are shallow and gross, but they’re vague enough about it at first that it somehow spurs Kaito to start talking about “a man’s passion” and sound like he might be agreeing with them.

Kaito:  “I never said I wanted to peep! I’m talking about chasing after unknown worlds!”

But he was never agreeing with them; they were actually having two entirely different conversations at once without realising it. When Kaito said “a man’s passion”, he was talking about going to space, obviously, what the hell did they think he meant?

Kaito:  “Listen up! I’ll teach you what a man’s passion really is!”

Kaito’s concept of manliness does not and never did have anything to do with gross sexualising misogyny, and if anyone thinks that is what being a man is supposed to be about, then he’s going to set them straight, dammit!

…Okay, admittedly that is probably not what Kaito’s about to do – presumably he’s just going to try and tell them how great space is, incidentally sidestepping the actual problem with how they were behaving. Danganronpa’s occasionally-shitty writing is thankfully not so shitty as to directly include Kaito in it (except for the literally four single lines in the main story in which he is still nowhere near as bad as these idiots and which are out-of-character outliers that should be ignored). However, it’s unfortunately still bad enough to not go and actually have the dudes who are shitty be called out by another guy for being like this. But if Danganronpa’s writing wasn’t Danganronpa’s writing, I really feel like this is the kind of thing Kaito would absolutely do.

While the writing isn’t letting Kaito properly acknowledge how gross those two are being, it is otherwise at least having him be very Kaito about this. Even if the other two were being legit and non-gross about it, Kaito would still rather talk about going to space than getting a girlfriend, obviously; space is way more exciting! (…Which, actually, means that this scene is some actual evidence supporting that that one line in one of his Salmon Team hangouts about crushes on girls is likely to be out of character for Kaito. And the one about reading dirty books, for that matter. Ha! Take that, clueless intern!)

Anyway, thankfully this is the last piece of Danganronpa shittiness that goes anywhere near Kaito that I am ever going to have to defend him from being seen as a part of. Let’s move onto something better.

The final year’s seasonal event is less of a specific school event; it takes place in winter close to graduation (the Japanese school year ends in March) and generally involves characters reflecting on their time here over the past three years. I’ve already covered a bunch of the ones I find interesting in conjunction with friendly events they’re connected to, but here’s a few of interest that are a bit more standalone.

Shuichi happens to come across Maki and Himiko on the morning of the winter closing ceremony. This is an unusual trio to see together in this universe and definitely has no particular out-universe reason behind it at all.

Shuichi and Maki are both feeling rather sentimental about the fact that graduation is coming up soon, but Himiko is having none of it.

Himiko:  “Ugh, don’t make that face! It’s not like we’re graduating today!”

Shuichi:  “H-Himiko?”

Himiko:  “Besides, we can still see each other after we graduate! I’ll invite you all to my magic show! My magic can still improve. The next time I show it to you, it’ll be even more amazing! See? Why don’t you guys try to think of the future in a more fun way? Look forward to it!”

Look at her go! She’s been spending enough time with Tenko over the past three years to have reached basically the same point in her development that she reaches in canon in terms of how upbeat and optimistic she’s able to be. This is just the kind of thing that can help cheer Shuichi and Maki up when they’re feeling down, and also exactly the kind of role she’d be playing in this trio in canon as they’re trying to get by and deal with their trauma in the outside world. Since this scene rather pointedly has these three together (when they’re otherwise not seen together in any other scene in this mode), it’s got to be a deliberate nod to the canon ending, so it serves to show us that this is the kind of thing Himiko would have been doing for them there, too. In this universe she’s not been specifically inspired by trying to fill Kaito’s shoes or anything, but she’s doing this anyway simply because she’s a performer and this is what her magic is all about.

Shuichi:  “Hey… Kaede played a performance at Maki’s orphanage, right? Why not have Himiko do a show at the orphanage too?”

Himiko:  “A show for orphans, huh? Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

Aww, that would be adorable! Both Kaede and Himiko perform to make people smile, and those kids definitely deserve to smile. Also it’s lovely to see confirmation that Kaede really did end up going to Maki’s orphanage and it went off without a hitch.

Himiko:  “I might even get an apprentice. How about it, Maki?”

Maki:  “…I can’t imagine you as a master. I think you’re moving too fast.”

Nah, Maki, I think Himiko would be great at that. She ended up greater than her own master despite seeming to be the apprentice on the surface, so I think that makes her plenty qualified to be a master herself and train her own apprentices now.

(Since Himiko’s master actually exists in this universe, I am Very Invested in her reuniting with him one day. She needs to help him realise that having messed up in front of her one time doesn’t mean he’s failed her because she still looks up to him and cares about him even if she’s become greater than him, and he was being an Idiot to ever feel like she’d be better off without him because they are not just master and apprentice but also friends.)

Meanwhile, for Kaito’s final year event, one of his choices is obviously the most correct and worthwhile, but I’ll save the best for last. If he instead chooses to go for a walk on his own, Kaito bumps into Kokichi and has a predictably infuriating conversation with him, most of which I’m not going to bother covering, but there’s one part of it that I find interesting enough to talk about.

Kaito:  “You haven’t changed a bit in these last 3 years…”

This seems at a glance just like a general way to express exasperation, but it is very like Kaito to focus on Kokichi not having changed. After all, Kaito’s watched his sidekicks grow and change so much and is generally invested in the idea of people changing as they meet and form friendships with others. But of course none of that happened to Kokichi over these three years, because, as ever, he refused to let himself change.

Kaito:  “You’re still like this at your age? Doesn’t it make your parents cry? Do you even visit?”

Some very good questions! What is going on with regards to Kokichi’s parents? Did he live with them? Does he visit? Are they in the picture at all?

All questions that like hell we’re ever going to get the answers to, of course, and I don’t have nearly enough basis to bother speculating. But I do love that Kaito has thought about this. He’s trying to make some sense of why Kokichi is this way, but he’s also thinking about what Kokichi being this way must be doing to the people out there who actually unconditionally care about him.

(At least, Kaito is automatically assuming that Kokichi’s parents care about him, even though them being assholes could potentially begin to explain a few things. Apparently Kaito considers parents being decent to be the norm, which is another indication that his own parents being assholes is not the answer to why they’re not around.)

Kokichi:  “Hey now, you don’t really ask the supreme leader of evil such normie questions. Also, if you wanna know my origin story, you’re gonna have to bet two lives for it.”

Kaito:  “Idiot, everyone’s only got one life and there’s no way I’d waste mine on your story!”

Kokichi:  “Aw maaan, how boring. If you’re not gonna bother learning the truth about me…”

Kokichi, of course, responds with some evasive insincere bullshit rather than actually be honest about himself for a second, and then acts like it’s Kaito’s fault for not caring enough to want to learn. It couldn’t possibly be that Kaito really does want to understand him better and Kokichi is just refusing to open up because of his trust issues, nope, not at all, nothing is ever Kokichi’s fault.

For the other obviously-not-correct option for his winter event, Kaito goes to the dining hall and comes across Hifumi, who just finished submitting some fan comics of his before the end of the year.

Hifumi:  “The crunch time for them was difficult for even my golden hand… But as you can see, I overcame it and triumphed! I’ve raised the bar for fanfic yet again!”

Kaito:  “In other words, you wanted to show your manliness, huh? Good for you!”

While I’m not entirely sure why he decided to bring it up now out of nowhere, Kaito’s concept of manliness is still not inherently gendered. He’s just talking about Hifumi giving it his all and wanting to show how good he is at what he does. It’s about being true to yourself!

Kaito:  “Alright! Then next you can make a manga about me, Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!”

Hifumi:  “Huh? A manga about you, Mr. Momota?”

Kaito:  “It’s gonna be a legendary manga! If you make it about me, it’s gonna be a global hit! Cuz it’s gonna be filled with manga-style adventure before it even gets to the space part!”

What an absolute dork. What I can only assume he means by this is that he’s going to have Hifumi manga-ify the ridiculous make-believe games he played as a kid. Obviously that’s the kind of story that everyone’s going to be able to appreciate, children and adults alike, right? And in his narration at the end of this scene, he calls this his biography, because it’s all definitely true. Oh, Kaito.

Hifumi:  “Well, that aside, if I’m gonna make it… It’ll definitely be a global hit! You’ve got a good eye for talent, Mr. Momota!”

Kaito:  “Of course! I’m a hero with many sidekicks!”

Kaito is citing his status as a hero with sidekicks not as part of why his story will obviously be a global hit, but as a separate thing, in terms of why he’s good at spotting talent. Because he is! His hero-and-sidekick thing is all about seeing the potential in people and bringing it out of them, and he’s so good at it!

Reflections with the sidekicks

But anyway, speaking of Kaito’s sidekicks, let’s get back to the obviously correct option for his final year event.

The stars are especially pretty tonight… What will you do?

-      Take a walk with my sidekicks

Kaito’s POV is again being wonderfully Kaito – of course he’d notice that the stars are pretty. He definitely goes for walks on clear nights all the time just so that he can look up at them. Space.

(How many times do you want to bet he’s tripped over something and made a doofus of himself because he was too busy looking up at the stars to watch where he was actually going? A lot. The answer is a lot, I will accept nothing lower.)

Kaito:  “You can see the stars pretty well tonight, yeah? Before long, I’ll be up there with ‘em!”

Maki:  “The stars are pretty, but… is this really the only reason why you called me out this late?”

Shuichi:  “He does this a lot…”

See, he does do this all the time! And what better way to enjoy the beauty of the night sky than by sharing it with his sidekicks? This isn’t even a training session; they’re just hanging out under the stars.

Shuichi:  “But isn’t it kind of fun?”

Maki:  “…I never said this wasn’t fun.”

And Shuichi and Maki have come to appreciate Kaito’s impromptu starlight walks too! They are friends.

Kaito:  “So many things happened in the last three years after I met you guys! We did some school stuff, went to Sonia’s country during the break and solved a case!”

This is indeed another thing that happened. One of Shuichi’s friendly events is with Sonia, in which she tells him about an unsolved conspiracy causing problems among the nobles of her country that ultimately boils down to a lot of missing pets. Since that’s his area of expertise, Shuichi offers to look into it for her, and Sonia takes him up on that. This is more of him trying to help people out using his detective skills, like Kaito was encouraging him to do near the beginning!

And while Shuichi didn’t mention his friends at all during that conversation with Sonia, apparently Kaito later heard about it and invited himself and Maki along. He probably just wanted the three of them to have an adventure together, didn’t he.

Maki:  “Hm, I still don’t know why I had to tag along, though.”

Kaito:  “You were great at wiping out all those assassins! That’s my sidekick for you!”

Maki:  “Correction. I protected us from danger and Shuichi solved the case…”

It sure sounds like they did have quite the adventure, too. Maki used her assassin skills to protect her friends! She even seems to realise this! (Kaito’s wording doeees kinda imply that, while he’s trying to gloss over it, she might have straight-up killed those enemy assassins, though. That’s a shame if so, but it was probably the only way to keep her friends safe.)

Maki:  “If anything, I don’t know why you’re tagging along, Kaito.”

Shuichi:  “If Kaito hadn’t invited you, Maki, then Sonia and I could have been in big trouble.”

Kaito:  “Issuing orders to sidekicks is the most important job a hero has!”

Maki:  “Then your job was over before we even left the country.”

Kaito was helping, you guys. His decision to bring Maki was a good call, but then he also came with them for, uh, you know, moral support! …Which probably genuinely did help them, at least a little, because Kaito is the actual best at moral support. If Maki did kill those enemy assassins, they could potentially have been the first people she’s killed since enrolling in Hope’s Peak, which might have caused a setback in her growth that Kaito would definitely have helped talk her through.

Kaito:  “After graduation, when I’m in space, I’ll look for you guys from up above!”

Maki:  “Huh? You’d never find us.”

Shuichi:  “Ah, well, he might be able to see the approximate area…”

It’s lovely how Kaito says this even though it’s extremely unrealistic to think he could actually see them from there. He wants his sidekicks to be able to feel, even while he’s gone, that he’s watching over them from space!

(This is also a sentiment that very much applies in canon when he really is gone. He died up there in space, which means he’s still up there and watching over them from among the stars, isn’t he?)

Kaito:  “And then I’ll take you guys into space one day. After all, I need my sidekicks to help me out.”

Kaito pulls this out of absolutely nowhere despite how clearly unfeasible it is. And the idea that it’s because he’d need them to help him is obviously an excuse, because that’s not what the word “sidekick” actually means to him.

Kaito just… doesn’t want to be without them for such a prolonged amount of time. He’s so positive-minded that he’d always have thought of only the good things about going to space, so his comment just a moment ago might have been the first time it’s properly occured to him that going to space does have its downsides, because he’s going to have to say goodbye to Shuichi and Maki and leave them behind for months at a time. There’ll be video chats and such, but it won’t be the same. Kaito wants to keep being with them all the time not just for their sake but for his sake, because even if he still isn’t calling them this in this AU either, they’re his best friends and he loves them to bits.

So obviously that just means that they’ve got to come to space with him too, yep, that’s definitely plausible and definitely something they’d both want, and Kaito’s not going to think about anything else.

Shuichi:  “You need us to save you, Kaito?”

Maki:  “Well, yeah… We’re the only ones who would do it.”

Kaito:  “Hey, Shuichi, what do you mean ‘save me’!? Maki Roll, what do you mean, ‘the only ones’!? Geez, what sassy sidekicks. I gotta teach you guys some manners.”

They are the best sassy sidekicks and I love the way they’re making such affectionate jabs at him like that. He’s an idiot in some ways, but he’s their idiot and they wouldn’t have it any other way. And they really would be there for him if he actually genuinely needed help, even though they’re making it sound like a joke on the surface and Kaito is bound to be assuming that they don’t mean it as anything more than that, goddammit Kaito.

Shuichi:  “…How did we end up agreeing to go into space with Kaito?”

Maki:  “There’s no way it would go that smoothly. You really are all talk, Kaito.”

Kaito:  “Shut it! The impossible is possible, all you gotta do is make it so! It’s already been decided!”

Bad sidekicks, stop telling Kaito it’s impossible! And, okay, technically it isn’t completely impossible for Shuichi and Maki to potentially become astronauts and go to space with Kaito if they both trained hard enough. But that’d require them to put in far more effort than they’d be willing to do just to be able to keep Kaito company in space, considering that space isn’t their passion and they have their own lives they want to lead. Of course Kaito knows this – he just doesn’t want to think about leaving them behind, and so he’s trying to use his own line to tell himself that bringing them to space with him is something he’s totally allowed to imagine happening.

Kaito:  “Both of you gotta keep up your training!”

Shuichi:  “I don’t know if we’ll ever end up in space, but… I’ll keep on training.”

Maki:  “…If I feel like it.”

But regardless of how unrealistic the space part is, they will definitely be keeping up their training, even while Kaito’s up in space without them! Including Maki, despite that she’s acting all dismissive about it here. (She’s smiling when she says that.)

You made a promise for the future with your sidekicks…

Kaito, no, that is not what you did. They did not actually promise to come to space with you. (It’ll be okay, though! You’ll be friends with the other astronauts too, because that’s what astronauts do! And you’ll get plenty of time to see Shuichi and Maki in between missions when you’re back on Earth, and plenty of video chats from space!)

Since this scene is only available while you’re playing as Kaito, it has more of a focus on Kaito’s perspective. Of course Shuichi and Maki also each have a third year seasonal event with Kaito that I’m about to get to, and theirs focus more on their perspective, namely what Kaito’s done for them. Because that gets covered in their scenes, Kaito’s scene is free to be about what Shuichi and Maki mean to him, beyond the purely selfless sense of him being proud of how much they’ve grown – and they’re his best friends that he wants to keep hanging out with and having adventures with forever! This scene isn’t really about them as his sidekicks. They’re more to Kaito than just that, even if he still won’t actually use the word “friend”, the big doofus.

Let’s move onto Maki’s scene, then, and talk about what he’s done for her. (Both Maki and Shuichi’s scenes with Kaito are only one-on-one, so Shuichi’s not here for this.)

Kaito:  “It was a lot of work taking care of you guys these past three years. You didn’t even try to talk to people in the beginning.”

Maki:  “Yeah. If you hadn’t annoyed me so much with your constant pestering… I probably would have never been able to talk to Shuichi and the others so casually.”

Kaito helped her relearn how to be friends! Here is confirmation that he very much did employ copious amounts of stubborn pestering to get through to her, not that that aspect of how it happened was ever in question. Kaito is even actually more or less admitting that it was pretty hard work getting through to her – he refers to both her and Shuichi when he says that, but let’s face it, he definitely had to put in a lot more effort in Maki’s case at first.

Kaito:  “You’re being pretty frank today. It seems you finally understand how great I am!”

It is unusual for Maki to be openly admitting things like this – which is also a big sign of her progress! And it’s very like Kaito to respond to her genuine expression of how much he’s done for her by being over the top about it rather than just directly, earnestly accepting it. In this instance it’s definitely not that he’s having any issues that make him not truly believe he deserves such thanks. So I guess it’s instead just due to him feeling kind of awkward when it comes to heartfelt, down-to-earth things like this, and he’s more comfortable putting on the super-awesome-hero fiction for it. (More on this in Shuichi’s scene.)

Kaito:  “Or… are you sad because graduation is getting closer?”

Maki:  “…Yes.”

Kaito:  “…That’s a bit too frank.”

It does seem that Kaito’s also kind of awkward just thinking about generally sentimental things at all. After all, we saw in his scene that he doesn’t like thinking about the fact that he won’t be seeing his sidekicks every day any more once they graduate.

Maki:  “Well, there’s no point being sentimental. It’s not like we won’t ever see each other again.”

Looks like Maki could tell that Kaito’s also feeling more sentimental than he wants to be. At least Maki is capable of being pragmatic about it even while she’s feeling sad. (Kaito would of course be capable of being as optimistic about it as he can, but for his part he doesn’t even really like to think about the sad bits in the first place if he can avoid it.)

Kaito:  “Yeah… you’re right. It’ll be hard for me to see you on a daily basis after this, but… it’s not goodbye forever.”

Maki:  “What do you mean, it’ll be hard?”

Kaito:  “Hm? Well, because I’ll be up in space, obviously.”

Maki:  “Oh, yeah… You still want to go there.”

Obviously! Keep up, Maki Roll! Don’t tell me you ever thought for a second that he wasn’t serious about going there, or that he’d change his mind one day! I’m going to instead put this reaction down her just having not quite properly thought about what that means in terms of the future of their friendship, in that he’s not going to be able to be around as much. Kind of like how Kaito himself in his scene apparently hadn’t thought about it properly until now.

Maki’s looking distant and a little sad in her last line there, and it seems like Kaito picks up on that.

Kaito:  “But you’re my sidekick! If something happened to you, I’d fly back here, right away! I look out for my sidekicks! Cuz I’m a hero!”

Therefore obviously it’ll totally be possible for him to do this if Maki needed him to! Aborting a space mission on short notice in the middle of it and zooming back to Earth for personal reasons is definitely something an astronaut can do, right? This is adorably like the previous scene in which Kaito insisted they could totally come to space with him. He really does not want to think about the fact that going to space will unavoidably separate him from his sidekicks for months at a time.

While the last scene was more from Kaito’s perspective and was therefore about what he’d want – his sidekicks in space with him! – this one is reversed. This scene has been about what Kaito’s done for Maki, and her talking about that has made him focus on what she’d want. So of course he would selflessly abandon space and come right back to help her if something serious happened and she really did need him! …If only he could. His reluctance at the idea of being separated from his sidekicks is, just as you’d expect, also partly out of selflessness for their sake, in terms of him not being there to support them like the hero he’s supposed to be. Kaito can’t bear the thought of Maki needing him and him being uselessly stuck out in space, not able to help her.

(She’d be okay, though, Kaito! Maki’s got other friends too who’d be able to help her in person. And if she really did need Kaito in particular, video chats would be enough, because Kaito always helps the most with just words.)

Maki:  “Huh… that again? Well… I’ll be waiting, but I won’t be expecting much…”

Maki is of course fully aware of how unfeasible these claims of Kaito’s are, but it seems, based on her wistful smile at the end, that she at least understands and appreciates how much he genuinely wants to be able to do that for her if she ever needs it. He is a hero who looks out for his sidekicks, after all, and Maki knows this, no matter how ridiculous she might think that way of wording it is.

Last but not least, Shuichi’s scene begins with him waking up early on the day of the winter closing ceremony. (This is remarkable in and of itself, considering how emphatically not a morning person Shuichi was in canon. Perhaps that was partly for mental health reasons, though, and after three years of being friends with Kaito and Kaede and working on his issues, he’s got better at waking up in the mornings.)

Thinking about only having a short time left at this academy makes you sad… And from that comes restlessness. What will you do?

-      Exercise is perfect at a time like this

It’s lovely how Shuichi thinks of this entirely by himself as something that’ll improve his mood. Kaito really has taught him well!

So Shuichi heads to the school field and finds that Kaito had the same idea as him.

Kaito:  “Oh, hey there bro! Are you training too?”

Shuichi:  “Yeah! It’s good to sweat some things out!”

Kaito:  “Right on! That’s the spirit! It’s all thanks to your training with me!”

Of course it’s all thanks to his training with Kaito! Shuichi would never have even considered doing this kind of thing to help himself if Kaito hadn’t been his friend.

Shuichi:  “…You’re right. You befriended me, and encouraged me, and gave me advice… You’ve… helped me so much, Kaito…”

Kaito:  “Hey, hey. What’s all that about? Don’t dampen the mood, bro.”

…But Kaito still can’t quite just earnestly accept such heartfelt gratitude. This is kind of a reverse of last scene with Maki, in which he responded to her acknowledgement of how much he’d done by being kind of flippantly over-the-top about it. This time, he started with the over-the-top “well, it’s because I’m awesome!”, but Shuichi responding with an earnest “no, you really are, thank you so much,” still managed to wrong-foot him. And again, this isn’t the canon storyline where Kaito had heaps of issues and ended up with a gaping hole in his sense of self-worth, so it’s not because he doesn’t feel like he deserves any kind of thanks at all.

It seems bizarre to be using this word for Kaito, but… he might actually be kind of modest? Sure, he’ll act over-the-top about his achievements, but it’s like he only really thinks of that as a fiction for the sake of keeping up his usual luminary image, an image that people might buy into and play along with because it’s fun and it helps encourage them, but not because they really think he’s that ridiculously amazing. If someone takes his overblown words at face value and seems to genuinely feel that they’re true, then he’ll back up and try to brush it off, because nah, he’s all right, but there’s no way he could really be quite that awesome. (You are that awesome, Kaito. At least when it comes to supporting your sidekicks.)

Shuichi:  “Ah, sorry… I was just thinking about what we’ve built over the years…”

Friendship! You built the best adorablest friendship, is what you did. (Also what are you doing apologising for this, Shuichi; there is absolutely nothing wrong in telling Kaito how amazing he’s been even if he’s too much of an awkward dork to properly accept it.)

Shuichi:  “If I ever find myself in trouble, I can look back at my time with you for inspiration, Kaito.”

Just like he’s also able to do in canon even though Kaito’s not there any more!

Kaito:  “That’s true, but… Graduation won’t be the end for us!”

But thankfully, in this universe, Kaito is always going to be there. (Just maybe sometimes only over video chats, from space.) He doesn’t ever want their friendship to end!

Kaito:  “Listen up! Even if things get tough in the future…”

Shuichi:  “Don’t bear it all by yourself, right?”

Kaito:  “Oh… well if you get it, then it’s all good.”

Pfft, I like how Kaito seems almost miffed that Shuichi stole his line. But it definitely is okay so long as he understands that, and evidently Kaito has told him this enough times over the years that Shuichi has that well and truly ingrained in his mind by now and already knew exactly how Kaito was going to finish his sentence.

Kaito:  “When things are bad, me, Maki Roll, or Kaede will help you carry your burdens. As long as you understand that, you can get stronger.”

And it’s good to see that Kaito isn’t just focusing things on himself as the sole figure of support (after all, he wouldn’t have any reason to in this AU where he hasn’t been having massive issues). He’s happy to remind Shuichi that he has other friends as well who’ll be there to help him.

Shuichi:  “The same goes for you, Kaito. If there’s anything I can help you with, just say so.”

Shuichi is also so very good. Every time Kaito says something along those lines to Shuichi, I’m always burning with the desperate urge to tell him that goes for you too, Kaito, you selfless idiot, you deserve it – so it’s really lovely and cathartic to see Shuichi actually telling him that. He’s such a caring friend and really would be more than happy to do anything for Kaito if he ever needed it.

Kaito:  “Heh, now we’re talking. Of course you’d help me! I’m the hero and you’re my sidekick!”

…

*tilts head almost 180 degrees*

Who are you and what have you done with Kaito.

This is not how Kaito works. He seems to be actually acknowledging that helping the hero is one of the roles of a sidekick, but no it isn’t, not in Kaito’s definition!

Okay, so. When I was starting to think about writing these UTDP bonus posts, I had one hell of a hot take in mind for this line. That take was that the reason Kaito says this here is because in this AU, he’s not “fictional”.

As I explain in greater length in my post about Kaito’s entire character arc from my main blog, it seems reasonable to assume that Kaito’s childlike black-and-white view on heroes and sidekicks comes from the fact that he was in-universely written to be the perfect ideal hero to inspire Shuichi. It’s somewhat unrealistic to think that if Kaito had actually experienced growing up, he wouldn’t have gradually gained a more nuanced appreciation for fiction, as he started reading more complex stories containing more fallible heroes who were still capable of being inspiring not despite but because of that. So I was going to say that Kaito not being fictional in this AU and having actually grown up meant he’d been able to gain that greater understanding of what made a hero inspiring, which’d mean that Kaito’s usual double-standard about heroes simply doesn’t exist in this version of him, and therefore that he genuinely means it here when he says of course Shuichi can and should help him out too.

…Except that clearly doesn’t track with some of the other scenes in this AU, now, does it. Mostly I’m talking about the scenes with Ryoma, in which Kaito’s issues about heroes clearly still apply to Ryoma in the same way they did in canon. There’s also that one scene with Hifumi in which Kaito is quite happy to have his ridiculous childhood games made into a manga and doesn’t seem to be aware of the fact that mayyyybe a lot of people wouldn’t actually find them to be particularly compelling narratives.

And while the scene with Kaito’s phobia isn’t about the hero issue, the point I was trying to get at there is related to this. It doesn’t quite make sense that Kaito has his phobia if he’s not “fictional”, just like it maybe doesn’t quite make sense that he has this view of heroes either. But ultimately, when writing this AU, the writers just decided to keep the characters entirely as they were in V3 canon, even including the parts of them that don’t actually quite make sense if they’re not made out of Flashback Lights for Tsumugi’s story.

So never mind, scratch all that. I only brought it up because I found it an interesting concept to think about, but it’s definitely not what’s going on here. Kaito not being “fictional” in this AU is not actually why he’s willing to admit that of course Shuichi would help him out as his sidekick.

Instead, presumably the reason Kaito is saying this here is that… he doesn’t really mean it, the idiot. It is at least not quite as bad as in canon where he knows full well he already has problems and is consciously lying when he insists that he’d totally ask for help if he needed it. Here, it’s more just that he’s never expecting he will need help and so he’ll never have to actually think about whether or not this claim is really true. Ultimately, it’s easier for him to just casually claim this here, because the alternative is being all “oh but I won’t need your help!”, which’d just make him sound like he doesn’t even appreciate Shuichi’s willingness to be there for him.

I do like to believe, though, that whenever Kaito does run into some kind of trouble in future in this AU (and I say “when” not “if” because nobody can ever go through life without having at least some problems here and there), he’ll actually be able, with Shuichi and Maki’s prodding and reassurance, to admit it and ask for help. Without the stress of the killing game making Kaito tunnel-vision into the fact that he needs to keep supporting his sidekicks and that the only thing that matters is how much of a difference he can make to everyone’s survival, I think he’d be a lot less completely and utterly averse to acknowledging weakness. Plus, hopefully his astronaut training will drill it into him that part of good communication is telling your teammates when there’s something wrong with you, because holy crap is it only going to make things way worse not just for you but for everyone involved if you don’t, you moron. And the more Shuichi and Maki grow and the less obviously they need his help and support most of the time, the more Kaito will come to consciously see them not just as his sidekicks but as his friends, and friends can open up to each other about anything.

One way or another, Kaito is bound to eventually realise what an idiot he’s being and overcome these issues of his. He just needs to live for long enough to get that far.

Kaito:  “Alright then… wanna run for a while? Better hurry, or you’ll be eating my dust!”

Shuichi:  “Ah, hey! No fair, Kaito!”

Working up a good sweat, you chased Kaito all the way to homeroom.

Aaaaa look at them racing each other off into the sunrise. They are friends and they are going to live happily ever after. Kaito is going to go to space multiple times under normal circumstances and come back alive each time, and also one day learn not to be a hypocrite about asking people for support. Shuichi is going to start his own detective agency where he exclusively takes on jobs that involve helping people and continue to have confidence in his talent in between relying on his friends for help when he needs to.

And Maki… I refuse to accept that she’s just going to have to go back to killing people in this universe when she’s come so far; that is Not Okay. Either Hope’s Peak really is going to somehow absolve her of being an assassin as part of its “set for life” policy, or Kaito and Shuichi are going to do something about it. Maki may still try to claim that assassins are necessary and therefore that totally justifies her being an assassin – there’s no real evidence in this AU that she quite got over that part of her issues – but Kaito would be having none of that. So Shuichi’s first job as a full-fledged detective may have to be to find evidence of her assassin cult’s awful deeds and report it to some kind of authorities that can take it down and take custody of all the kids from the orphanages and give all the other child-slave assassins some goddamn therapy because the rest of them don’t have a Kaito. Then Maki can rid herself of her awful past forever and get a normal job, maybe as an actual child caregiver, where she never has to think about killing anyone ever again and can live a relatively happy life after everything she’s been through, because I say so.

I just love these three so so so much and want them to get to be happy and keep being adorable friends for the rest of their lives, because they’re the best and they deserve it. So I’m glad we have this AU where nothing particularly drastic goes wrong at all, everyone is fully real, and their adorable friendships are still there like in canon, so that there’s at least one world in which we can imagine that they really are going to be okay.

#danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #drv3 #ndrv3 #bonus content #ultimate talent development plan #commentary

[rockcampfifteen]

How I Got to Sesame Street: Bill Sherman Talks Working with Lin-Manuel Miranda, Where He Keeps His Grammys, and Being Ignored by Big Bird

I didn’t think that Rock and Roll Camp XV was even going to happen this year, if I’m being honest, but nothing about this year has been predictable, so here we are. A dozen campers and about as many counselors in a Zoom meeting. We made it work, and it worked well. Since camp wasn’t a physical, in-the-moment experience, there wasn’t a lot of opportunity for photos or camper interviews, but we did get the chance to interview Bill Sherman, an Emmy, Tony, and Grammy award winning musician. Bill has worked on musicals like Hamilton and In the Heights and is a music director for Sesame Street. He was laid-back, down-to-earth, and didn’t give any impression that he was full of himself. Bill didn’t act like most award-winning musicians and talked openly about his life and experiences. He mentioned that he had been stuck in traffic, and that he was worried he’d be late for our interview. We knew that he was taking us seriously, that he didn’t just see us as a bunch of kids wanting to have a talk. 

-Elsa

Elsa: I just want to say we appreciate you taking the time to talk to us. We’ve got a lot of questions, so we’ll jump right in. What was the first instrument you learned to play, and what attracted you to it?

My parents got me piano lessons when I was in elementary school, and I was super not into it. I believe the teacher’s name was Mrs. Record—which is hilarious for a music teacher’s name—and she taught me for a couple years, and I was terrible at it, so I quit. And then in fourth grade we had to pick an instrument, and the music teacher where I went to school was a woodwind player. He was like, “Bill you should play the clarinet.” I was like, “Okay, sounds great.” And then in sixth grade—this is a good story—he goes, “You know, the clarinet has the same mechanics and fingerings of saxophones,” and I was like, “No way, that sounds like a way cooler instrument than the freaking clarinet.” If any of you are clarinet players, I don’t mean to offend you. Also, I still play the clarinet. Anyway, he showed me the saxophone and I was immediately attracted to it. And when he left the room, I took the saxophone and left with it and I didn’t tell him. So I stole it. I took it home. And it became my thing. I was obsessed with it. My teacher’s name was Gary Meyer. He later went on to be my private saxophone teacher for like a hundred years, until I went to college, and now, he in fact works for me. He plays in the Sesame Street Band. He’s a woodwind player. So it was a pay-it-forward, full circle moment, to have my fourth grade music teacher be in my band.

I got really into jazz. I went to a real big jock high school, and I stopped playing sports and just played saxophone, all day every day, all the time. And in college it became my identity. Mike can attest—I was the saxophone guy. I led bands, and I played all the time… if you see movies about colleges, and there’s a music guy? I was kind of that guy. 

I later taught myself to play piano—another full circle moment—because composing on the saxophone for anybody is a difficult thing to do. I have a number of guitars that I have no idea how to play.

Elsa, by the way, has your name become like the coolest ever since the whole Frozen situation? My kids would think that’s the coolest thing ever.

Elsa: Frozen came out when I was in about second grade, and of course I was so hyped for it. I went to a theater with a friend of mine, and afterwards I was like, “Oh, I was the Ice Queen, oh yeah!!” And of course you go back to elementary school, and everyone’s like, “Oh, you have ice powers,” and so pretty soon I was tired of that. But it’s kind of gone away. It went away for a few years, and people stopped associating it with my name. And then Frozen 2 came out and here we are again—

(Bill Laughs.)

Michael: I have a question for you, Bill.

Okay, Mike. Does everybody know that Mike used to be this amazing trumpet player, and he was in my band, and he wrote for the band, and he packed this unbelievable punch, and he was like this tall, and he was this awesome powerhouse, and truth be told... I don’t know if he knows this, but in certain theory classes I would cheat off him, because he had a way better ear than I did.

Michael: I wasn’t going to bring it up, but I do think it’s hilarious that I was better at theory than you. But so anyway, in the band, you were the only one really bringing in your own songs—so I’m wondering where the urge and the confidence to start writing your own material came from?

In high school I wrote poems, and then my senior year of high school, I wrote this instrumental thing and I played it at my graduation. All the people who thought I was a nerd for being into music, they stood up and clapped and I thought that was so freaking cool. That was my first move into composing. And in college it was just kind of what we did. It just seemed like how hard can it be? You start breaking down pop tunes… at that time, we were kind of doing jam band, Ozomatli tunes, four chords and the truth. And you find that pop music in general is four chords and the truth. Like the Foo Fighters: they play four chords really quietly, and then the same four chords way louder, that’s just what they do, and it’s awesome, and it works every time. 

The other thing about writing music is that it’s very hard to know if you’re quote unquote “good at it.” I’ve written thousands of songs, and I’d say 75% of them are terrible. But 25% of them people really dig into, and then you wonder, Why this song? Like for Sesame Street, I get very immediate feedback. My friends who have kids, they’ll immediately let me know, This is the song. I wrote this song for Maren Morris on Sesame Street called “Oops, Whoops, Wait, Aha” which is about children calming down, waiting to answer a question, not just like going crazy, and people will send me photos or videos of their kids dancing along to this particular tune, which is great. But that’s the first time in four years that anybody’s contacted me, and in those four years I’ve written hundred of songs that nobody cares about. And so, if you get a good one every four years, that’s great. Songwriting is like anything, you’ve gotta  try it, and then you try it some more. 

The other best way to do things that are creative and original is to at first emulate people. That’s what we were doing—Mike and I in our band in college. I liked Salif Keita, and I liked Fela Kuti, and I was like, I can write a song like this. We wrote songs that sounded, almost exactly like Fela Kuti tunes. It’s not really original, it definitely sounds like something you’ve heard before, but that’s how you learn how to do it. Study the craft, how other people did it.

Marilla: On Sesame Street, how do you write thousands of songs and not make them all sound the same?

That’s a really good question. I have in fact repeated myself a number of times. I was working on another show a couple years ago, and I wrote this song, and it was great, and they loved it, and then a year and a half later I sent them another song, and they got back to me and were like, “Hey, sorry to say this, but I’m pretty sure this is this,” and they sent me back the song I’d written previously, and it was almost the same exact song, and it was so freaking embarrassing. But I’ve talked with Max Martin about this, and what he does is collaborate. Invite people in. Not to steal their knowledge, but he constantly has new people coming into his fold, because I think you’re right, after a while you just start repeating yourself. 

The fun thing about Sesame Street is that it can be any genre. Nothing is genre specific. I can write a hip hop tune one day. And a bossanova the next day. And a ballad another day... One of my favorite things about Sesame Street is that we’re able to bring on new people to keep it interesting and fresh. I’ve been employing more women lately, because there was a time when my writing staff was really male-heavy. Also, Abby is a girl, Rosita is a girl, we need to have that voice. Lately my job at Sesame Street has become more of being like a procurer of music, as opposed to physically writing it—more of like a producer role. People send me stuff all the time. Feel free to get my email from Mike if you have songs you want me to listen to... I will listen to anything.

Lyla: Do you have any advice for younger people—or people in general—when it comes to writing and creating music?

My advice would be to not give up. Not everyone is going to like your stuff. There’s just no way. It’s not gonna happen. It’s a lot of work to be a songwriter, because you’ll write 100 songs, and 98 of them will be terrible, and two of them will be great. 

My first couple years in college, I got asked to be in like 100 bands, and I said yes to everyone. Because initially, you have to say yes to everything. You have to play in a crappy cover band. And you have to play in a cool band like we were in, and you have to play in a funk band, because everybody plays in a funk band in college, and then you get to a point where you turn a corner, and then you can start saying no. I didn’t start saying no until five years ago. 

Lyla: Another question I have is that you mentioned you used to play in a lot of bands in college, and earlier you mentioned playing at your senior year graduation—did you ever think you would come this far, working with Lin-Manuel Miranda, and writing big musical pieces? Did you ever expect to earn awards or anything?

Well, no. I don’t think you ever expect awards. Success is a whole other thing—you can’t prepare yourself for things like that, it just sort of happens. In the process of saying yes to everything, I got myself into positions that I never would have expected. But when we were in college, all I wanted was to be a saxophone player, and move to New York, and make no money, and just sort of grind it out, and then I met Lin my sophomore year of college. I music directed his musical. And I had never music directed a musical, I had no idea what that meant, but I said yes. And I went on to direct all of his musicals in college, and then we graduated college, and we were roommates forever, and then it was like, “Hey, people want to make In the Heights into something,” and I was like, “Okay, that seems like the most logical thing to be doing,” so  we made In the Heights…

I got involved in musicals just randomly, because I said yes to something. I’d never liked musicals. I’d seen Rent, with the original cast, but I’d never listened to Sondheim, or Andrew Lloyd Webber…

But the success thing, it all happened very quickly. Between the ages of 22 and 26. In those four years, it was like marriage, children, awards. I wasn’t expecting any of that stuff.

People come over to my house and pose with my awards, which makes me really uncomfortable, and then one person drank out of the Grammy once... that happened. I have a platinum record in my bathroom. I didn’t know where else to put it. 

Elsa: Have you ever thought about writing your own musical?

It’s weird to go from writing minute and a half long songs that are like a single verse and a chorus, to writing these ten minute long opuses that have to have all this narrative in them, and do all this stuff—it’s definitely a different side of my brain. With & Juliet, it was taking Max Martin’s music and turning it into a musical. Deconstructing all these pop hits like “Oops I Did It Again.”

Marilla: How did it feel to see Hamilton on Disney Plus all these years after you worked on it?

It was far out. It was like seeing an old friend. It’s filmed really well, and you’re seeing views of things you’ve never seen before, it sounds fantastic… it just brought back a lot of old memories. Chris Jackson has been my best friend for like a hundred years, and so has Lin, and seeing them on stage, it was a reminder of how good they are… Now, years later, my children have memorized the record, they’re singing the whole thing, which is unbelievably irritating. My daughter—she thinks she knows the whole thing, but she really doesn’t, she just makes up her own lines during the really fast parts, which is really funny, and makes me laugh. I watched it the day it came out. It was a nice excuse to reach out to friends and tell them how good it is, how good they are.. And at a time when theaters are closed, it was cool to see people excited about seeing theater..

Lizzy: What’s your favorite thing to work on, out of all these different projects?

When we were in college, I thought being in a band was the coolest thing ever, and I wanted to play live music for my whole life, and I didn’t want to do anything else. And now I do other things, and all I want to do is play in a band in front of people! Once a year Sesame Street has a gala that some very famous person will come and play at. Last year it was John Legend, two years ago it was Michael Buble, and so there was this big band, and I played in it, and I had so much fun. I kind of miss performing. I play in this thing called Freestyle Love Supreme, which is this documentary that was on Hulu, we make up rap songs--and that’s fun, but I play keyboards, sort of behind the scenes, and so I sort of miss having a band, like we did in college. I’m getting all these memories, Mike, about WestCo Cafe.

These days my favorite thing is collaborating with new folks. We just finished the In the Heights movie, which comes out next year, Sesame Street goes into production in a couple weeks… I’ve been incredibly lucky and honored to do what I do, so talking about it always makes me feel sort of strange, because to me it’s just what I do, but to you it’s like, there’s no way that’s a real job, and explaining it sounds ridiculous, and I’m glad you wanted to listen to me talk about myself for half an hour.

Peter: What’s it like working with Big Bird?

Every day that I walk on to the Sesame Street set, I kind of have to pinch myself a little bit. The guy who played Big Bird passed away a couple years ago. He’s also the guy who played Oscar the Grouch, and he didn’t really know me for a couple years, and then I went to an award show, and I won an award, and he’s actually the guy who presented it to me, and so he hands me the award, and he goes, “Oh my God, I never knew what you did.” And so imagine Big Bird saying to you, “I never knew what you did.” And that was terrifying. Every time I hear Big Bird’s voice, or Kermit’s voice, or Grover --- it freaks me out, because I was a big Grover fan when I was a kid. Those are the times when you’re like, Whoa, this is surreal.  

#pendleton #rock and roll camp #sesame street #hamilton #in the heights #lin manuel miranda

[kweebtrash]

Nights in White Satin (M)

Pairing(s): Kino, Hongseok, E’Dawn, Hui x Reader. This one is Kino focused

Genre: SMUT AF, College AU

Summary: Sexual Liberation Pt 8. First person POV, heavy characterization of reader. just a bunch of smutty goodness in college.

Warnings: there’s a lot of sex over the course of the series. In this chapter, double kino sexy time, fuckboy/tsundere kinda Kino (but we all knew this),phone sex, squirting, masturbation, hearing kino moan, i literally have this kink with rings i’m so sorry yall have to experience this but please bare with me, creampies, wet and rainy, hair pulling, choking, car sex

Word Count: 11.5k

A/N: I flipflop between stage names and real names. Sometimes the formatting can be weird between mobile and desktop:/ Italics mean memories/past events and thoughts. In this one specifically it’s thoughts, a voicemail, and a fantasy. This one took me forever as well and it’s a freaking honker so get ready. but there is double the pleasure with this one.

Sexual Liberation Masterlist

Fic Inspo (Please listen to all these songs, they go along so well with this fic lmao)

Backseat-JYJ

Wet- Jooyoung (THIS ENTIRE MV YALL)

Nights in White Satin- The Relentless (yes this lowkey became a songfic shutup and this one is like the important one clearly because it’s the title lmao)

Hyuna fucked me against the window of the hotel room. Hui fucked me on the balcony. Hyojong fucked me in the hottub. And we had all somehow fucked each other in the giant shower stall without anyone slipping and sliding to their doom. To say that i was exhausted was an understatement. I was just a walking corpse, drained of any feeling and energy (or cum). Sunday morning we bid Hyuna goodbye before she got on her private jet. She cried a bit when she had to leave Hyojong and he spent several minutes reassuring her. It was really sweet. They seemed perfect for each other. I squeezed Hui's hand as i watched. I was being a bit of a glutton for punishment at this point.

She said goodbye to us next, a little bit faster since her plane was scheduled to leave soon. Hui and I received a kiss and a hug each and a promise that she would be back soon. We watched as her car drove off, leaving us to drag our luggages to the train station and endure the ride back home. We all slept on the train but it didn't even feel like enough. The three of us were still shuffling around wordlessly until we finally collapsed in the dorm. I flopped onto Hui's bed and didn't move. He flopped beside me, joining me in my feeling like we were hit by a bus. If we had larger beds, Hyojong would have slept with us too but he stayed in his own room for the time being. Being asleep felt like a comforting void close to death but not exactly there yet. I wanted to stay in this limbo forever.

I was shaken awake aggressively and yanked out of my blissful coma. “WHAT?!” i rasped

“Get up. Class starts in 15 minutes.” Hui said. His voice sounded as bad as mine and he still looked like a truck had run him over. I looked at the window that was pouring in light through the blinds. It was the next morning but i felt like i had only slept for a few hours. I think it was about 15 though.

“Fuck…” I got up and tossed off the clothes I had slept in and pulled out an outfit i had packed for the trip but hadn't worn. “Can i borrow a hoodie?”

Hui yawned as he pulled one out of his closet and handed it to me. I threw it on and tied my hair up in a knotted mess of a bun. “Fuck…” I said again, now realizing that i didn't have my backpack. “I don't have anything to take notes with.”

Hui grabbed my shoulders and gently shook me. “Who cares? If we didn't get points taken off for attendance we wouldn't be going to this dumb class. Just borrow my notebook.” He walked out of his room and banged on Hyojong's door.

I grabbed Hui's backpack and went out to the living room area. Kino came out his room and stopped when he saw me. “When did you get-shit. What happened to you?”

I glared at him. “Kino, i'm really not in the mood.” My voice cracked.

“You look horrible.” He glanced over at Hui who was pulling Hyojong out of his room by his shirt. Hyojong didn't even look like he could function at all. “What did you guys do??”

“What didn't we do is the better question.” Hui answered. He got a bottle of Listerine and took a shot of it before handing it to me. I did the same and passed it to Hyojong, none of us actually having any time to thoroughly brush our teeth. Now we only had 10 minutes to get to class on legs that were too sore to move.

Kino's mouth stood agape for a moment but he didn't dare ask any other questions. We all walked to our Music Theory class and sat wayyyy in the back trying to hide from the prying eyes of teacher and students. Kino kept giving us the once over, finding new marks to pick out and make suspicions about. All hell basically broke loose when Jisoo arrived. She wanted to question everything that happened and wondered why the Trio of Doom had their new found seats beside me. I flopped onto the desk, the sound of everyone's voice drilling into my skull. “We fucked. A lot. A lot, a lot. We're tired and i'd rather be dead than here. And when my voice doesn't sound like a prepubescent boy I will tell you everything. For now, please shut up.”

Jisoo snapped her mouth shut and crossed her arms, staring at the presentation down in front, angrily. I spent the rest of class pretending that I was paying attention when in reality I was basically sleeping with my eyes open. It took about two more days to fully recover enough stamina. Classes were kicking my ass in full gear so I didn't have any more time to waste as midterms were in a few weeks. I had eventually sat Jisoo down to talk about what happened. I opened with, “So, i'm bi.” which earned me a loud screech from Jisoo.

“What the fuck do you mean you’re bi? What the hell happened on that trip? What kind of sex did you have???” She paced the length of her bedroom as she tried to wrap her head around what I was saying. I laid back on her bed and answered a text from Hui.

“Well let’s see...Hyojong got me vibrating panties and somehow got me to put them on without me noticing and he turned them on in the damn train station. Then I found out he brought sex toys and to get back at him I fucked him with a strap on. Then i found out he had a girlfriend-”

“WHAT?!”

“Hold on, it gets better. So his girlfriend is totally okay with me fucking Hyojong and we basically fucked the entire weekend. I got deepthroated like 7 times which is why I sounded like a croaking frog. And Hui is L O U D so he sounded terrible too. I was handcuffed and spread every which way so my body just gave out on me.”

Jisoo stared at me for a long while. “What even is your life….”

“You’re telling me. Fuck if I know. I just need my voice to recover so I can make up my stupid vocal lesson. At least that paper for Music Theory is out of my hair.” I sighed and looked at my phone again as I got another notification.

“You are...is this your life now? Is this just what you’re going to do for the rest of college?” Jisoo asked.

I sat up and looked at her, confused by what she meant. “What do you mean exactly?”

“Like are you just going to focus all your energy into becoming obsessed with fucking these guys?”

“Jisoo, all my energy isn’t going into them. My grades are still good and I’m working hard on all my practices. I danced through my pain and I still have blisters on my feet from practicing all day yesterday. Just because I’m involved with them doesn’t mean they’re going to get in the way of my dreams.”

“What happens when you start having feelings for them? Then what? They’re going to go back to Korea and Hyojong isn’t even going to think about you since he has a girlfriend!”

I got up quickly. “Why are you acting like this? It’s not cool.” Tears were starting to brim on my waterline. Jisoo had never spoken to me like this before.

“I’m just telling you the truth in hopes that you realize what it’s doing to you. You can’t just fuck people for months on end and not develop feelings for them. It’s only a matter of time and then you’ll be stuck with trying to figure out who you want to be with.” She sighed. “Look i’m not trying to be mean, I just need you to get your head together before this all dumps on you at once.”

I looked away from her and tried to blink away my tears. “I’ve got to go. I-I need to meet Hui. I’ll see you later.” I rushed out of her apartment and headed towards Hui’s dorm. I didn’t want to think about Jisoo being right, I really didn’t. But I thought back to what Hyojong said to me about me being his girlfriend. And about Hui saying that Hyojong would basically have to fight him if he wanted to have me. I shook my head to try and push those thoughts back where they belonged, in the box of denial in the back of my mind.

_____________________________________

I knocked on the door waiting for Hui to answer. I was instead greeted by Hongseok. “Oh, Hongseok, hi. Is Hui here? I was supposed to meet him.”

“He's not but I know his piano lesson is today and that's usually like 3 hours or so.”

“Maybe i misread his text. I'll just head back to my dorm then.”

“Uh...no, that's ok. You can hang out here if you want, though it's just me right now.” He said a bit nervously.

“Oh, ok! I like hanging out with you.” I stepped into their dorm space and set my backpack on one of the couches. “How'd your history test go?”

He beamed. “I actually passed thanks to you. Thank you so much for helping me.”

I gave him a high five. “Yay! I'm happy that it went ok. I knew you could do it. You're really smart.”

His cheeks turned a bit pink. “Heh...thanks. Um...but i kinda need your help again. If you dont mind?”

“Oh? What class is it this time?” i asked.

He swallowed hard and stared down at his feet. “Latin dance.”

“A latin class?” i chuckled a bit, surprised. “I didn't know you were taking a dance class.”

“It's just the required dance credit I have to take. But i definitely chose the wrong class. I’m not much of a dancer. Do you know anything about it?” he asked.

I nodded and stepped closer to him. “Yeah, I took Latin one and two last year. Here, put one hand on my waist,” I guided his hand to right above my hips. “And one hand up, hold mine.” Our hands cupped together in the air. “Now for the basic step it's about two steps forward, slight pause, two steps back. Lead with the left.”

I guided him into the basic step, laughing as I had to repeat and slow down for him. Our heads even bumped together a few times because he was so focused on staring at his feet. “You have to look up when you do it! You're gonna have points taken off!”

“Im sorry, Im sorry!” He rubbed his forehead where we had clashed together. “Im trying!”

“I know! But now we have to add the hips.” I placed my hands on his hips and lead them into small isolations. “When you step you have to add some hip movement. It goes with the beat.”

“O-oh...hips?”

I looked up at him and smiled. “Yes. Hips. All Latin dances are fun. Some are sexy and sensual You have to move your hips. Here maybe you should hold mine instead.” I switched the position of our hands and swirled my hips. “Feel that?”

He nodded. “I feel something.”

“Do you want to try it with music?” I reached for his phone that was on the dining table and took a misstep, my foot rolling slightly. Hongseok caught me instantly since we were still so close, my chest was pressed against his now, his hands on the small of my back, cheeks burning crimson. “S-sorry.” I stuttered. “I can literally trip on anything.”

“It's okay. I'm glad i caught you in time.”

He didn't let me go for a moment and I couldn't help but stare at his full lips. They just looked so soft and kissable. His hands around me were so warm; I could feel it spreading throughout my back. I dared to look up at his eyes which had been staring down at me. A nervous smile crept onto his face but neither of us let go. I swallowed back some of my nerves. “Hongseok...I…”

The door to the dorm swung open and Hongseok and I scrambled to pull away from one another and look as casual as possible. Kino kicked his shoes off and looked over at us, eyebrow raised in suspicion. “Oh I didn't know anyone was home. What are you doing here?” he asked me.

“I was waiting for Hui but I think I came too early. Then Hongseok asked me if I could help him with his dance class.”

“If you want better lessons, you should've just asked me, Hongseok.” Kino quipped.

“Well to be quite honest, Id rather not dance Latin with you. Unless you want to grind against me.” Hongseok chuckled.

“Ohh grinding. Is that what you two were doing?.” Kino teased as he came into the dining and kitchen area with us. “Is that why you want her to help instead of me?”

Hongseok rubbed his neck nervously “I- I…”

“I should check with Hui to see how long he's going to be.” I tried to shift the tides and ease the awkwardness of the situation. I leaned over the back of the couch and dug into my backpack to retrieve my phone. I sent a quick text to Hui to see when he might be done. I felt a slight unease as if Hongseok and Kino were watching me but when i looked back their eyes were shifting and avoiding me. I smoothed out the back of my skater skirt. “What?”

Hongseok's face was even more beet red. “Nothing! Nothing…”

“You guys are weird…” I made my way over to the fridge and grabbed the filter water pitcher and a glass from the cabinet. Kino crept behind me and grabbed my ass firmly, making me almost drop the pitcher.

“You look good in that skirt. Did Hongseok have some wandering hands during your practice?” he whispered in my ear.

I shoved him away quickly. “What? Are you jealous now? It's just dancing, Kino.”

“Me? Jealous of Hongseok? Please.” He jumped onto the kitchen counter and took the glass of water from me.

I glared at him as he took a long gulp. “He has way more manners than you will ever have. And i'm sure if something was going on between us-which it's not, by the way- he would be nothing short of a gentleman.”

“Gentleman cant fuck.”

I tried to keep my voice as a whisper but Kino always made me want to scream. “Well gee, Kino, did it ever occur to you that I don't always want to fuck!? Maybe I want to go out on a date or two.”

He rolled his eyes. “Dating would mess up what we have. That's like the rule.”

“I didn't say go on a date with you, jackass. I wouldn't stoop so low.”

“Ouch, damn.” He said, and I almost thought he was actually offended. He set the glass down and jumped off of the counter. “I wouldn't say that about you.”

My mind was still a mess after my conversation with Jisoo. “Well which is it? I don't get you Kino. What exactly do you want?”

He didn't answer me and instead stormed off to his room. What the absolute hell?? I patted Hongseok's shoulder and advised him that i'd be right back. I followed Kino to his room and shut the door quietly. “What's your deal?”

He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it in his pile of dirty laundry. “Nothing's my deal. Go finish dancing with Hongseok.”

“Ok, correct me if i'm wrong but you just said you weren’t jealous of Hongseok and insinuated that if I were to have sex with him it wouldn't be good because you can fuck better than him. Then the topic of dates came up-”

“You brought that up. And I had to remind you that dating isn't part of our deal. I know you can't resist me but don't you think that would muddy up the waters, hmm?”

“There is no muddying of waters!” I stomped my foot, frustrated and annoyed at him. “I never said I wanted a date with you. But if I had to go on a date with Hongseok it would be much nicer.”

He took off his basketball shorts and tossed them in the laundry as well before going over to his dresser to pull out some fresh shorts. “Doubt it.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Ooohhh, I get it now. It's competition. You don't like anyone one-upping you. I can see that now. Yeahhhhh for sure! Everytime i would tell you about something I did with Hui or Hyojong, you'd want to do something better and harder.”

“I have no idea what youre talking about.” He didn't look at me though and I knew it was true.

“So, Kino,” I smirked as I sauntered over to him. “You would want to prove that you're a better date than Hongseok-if I were to go out on a date with him.”

“You're literally the one that's so obsessed with dating me now.” he said flatly. He still wouldn't look at me though.

“I'm not obsessed at all. After all, I’m not competing with others to coddle my fragile masculinity. But I'll grant you the favor of a date. It won't make things complicated but it will shut your mouth up. You just better make it worthy of being the best date I've ever had.”

“Fine!” He snapped back at me finally. “At least i know you'll put out on the first date.”

I was taken aback. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest as if his words had pierced through my heart. I grabbed the door handle and quickly walked out, not even wanting to stay for Hui or Hongseok. Was everyone just taking a stab at me today? Was this some cosmic karma bullshit coming to strike me down? I was over my friends being assholes to me and was ready to go back to being an introvert.

________________________________________

Hey….i just wanted to say that...im really sorry for what I said the other day. I mean, i wanted to say it in person but you walked out. I know why you did it but…-sigh- call me back, please?

It had been a few days since I had talked to anyone at all. I had ignored several calls from Kino this afternoon but when the voicemail icon showed up I decided to take a listen. I replayed the voicemail again just to make sure I heard everything correctly. He was being sincere which was a new thing for Kino; actually being nice and recognizing when he was wrong. I was shocked. I decided to call him back and see what else he had to say.

“Hello?” his voice seemed a little groggy.

“Kino?”

“Mhm...hey.”

“Were you asleep?” I asked and looked at my phone for a quick second. It was only 10 pm on a Friday. It wasn't really like him.

“Yeah.” He groaned and I assumed he was stretching. “I haven't slept much these past couple of days.”

“How come?”

There was a pause on the other end of the line. “I've been thinking about you. And what i said. I didn't mean to hurt you. I really didn't. I just don't want things to be weird between us...but I kind of realized that going on a date didn't matter if you were mad at me. I don't care about Hongseok or what you do with him. We can just...hang out as friends right? We can do fun stuff together and still fuck, right?”

“Yeah...yeah we can Kino. It's all i've ever wanted. We fight a lot but...we have good chemistry. I don't want anything to mess it up either.” The tone of his voice had my cold demeanor towards him melting in a matter of seconds. Hearing him apologize meant a lot to me and it felt good for us to want to do something together without bickering. “Do you want to maybe go to the arcade with me? We can get some wings too. It doesn't count as a date. It's not a fancy restaurant.”

He let out a small laugh. “Yeah, that's totally how that works.”

“It’s true! Wings are bro food! We’re bros.” I laughed at my lameness then cleared my throat. I adjusted myself in my bed. “Are you going to go back to sleep now?”

“Only if you forgive me.” He replied

“If i don't forgive you would you stay up and talk to me?”

“If you forgive me, i'll stay up with you anyway.”

I smiled to myself. “Ok, then I forgive you...but you didn't answer my question. Do you want to go to the arcade with me?”

He chuckled. “Yes, i do. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow's good. If you meet me at my dorm we can go to the student parking lot to get my car and leave from there.”

“Sounds good…” There was silence for a long while. I had thought the call dropped.

“Kino?”

“Hmm? I'm still here...keep talking to me. I like the sound of your voice.”

I fiddled with the edge of my fleece blanket. “What do you want me to say?”

“You tell me, you’re the one begging me to stay up with you.”

That was true but we had never really talked on the phone like this before. Who even talked on the phone anymore? I talked to my freakin’ mom on the phone not my fuck buddy. I chewed on my bottom lip. “It’s kind of cold here… I have the heat on and i’m under the covers.”

“Well what are you wearing?” He asked.

“What am i-? I mean...like just a t-shirt and panties really. Why?”

He didn’t respond and it was like I could hear his smirk through the phone. “Kino, are you trying to have phone sex with me?”

“Well damn, it’s better than listening to you complain about the weather. And you woke me up. I need to get back to sleep somehow.”

Even though he couldn’t see me I covered my face in embarrassment. “I can’t do that! I’m not good at talking dirty!”

“Hah! I beg to differ. I remember a certain someone telling me that I was a good boy at the library. And you called me by my name. You know how to talk dirty. Don’t play innocent with me.”

“It’s different over the phone! It’s like...i have to think about it. I have to think about saying sexy things.”

“Don’t think about it, if you do you’re gonna force it and it’s gonna be awkward. Just breathe. Pretend I’m there with you.”

I set the phone down beside me and put him on speaker. Laying back, i closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I was thankful that my roommate was gone for the weekend visiting her parents. “You should be here. You could warm me up.”

“I’d love to. Your thighs would be really warm around my head. You like that don’t you?”

“I do.” I sighed and rubbed my thighs. “I really do. It’s my favorite thing when you put your mouth to better use than annoying me.”

“I like when your mouth is moaning my name instead of annoying me.” Kino retorted. “In fact...i love when you do those short little breathy moans, like when my tongue is inside you and you pull my hair.” He let out a soft groan and I shuddered.

“You do have a talented tongue.” I dared my hand to go a little lower and rub the center of my panties. “You know you’re kind of quiet when we fuck. You make rough sounds but i’d really...really like to hear you moan for me. I want you to whimper and feel your breath catch in your throat. I want to hear you say my name, Hyunggu.”

He cleared his throat. “W-wha…”

I rubbed myself slowly, imagining Kino in his dark room, his hand wrapped around his cock. “I would love to hear you baby. Please? For me?”

“I-i-i’m sure I don’t sound as sexy as you...you know i-”

“Are you shy now, love? Do you not want to make me wet for you?”

He was silent for a moment but I could hear his sheets rustling. A few moments later I heard slick sounds of skin on skin. His breath was becoming slightly heavy. “I do...I want you dripping and fingering yourself, like that video you sent me.”

“Oh, the snap.” I let out a sensual giggle. “I had been thinking about you coming into my dorm and begging me to fuck you. I was using my vibrator but it wasn't enough. I wanted to feel you inside me Kino.” My fingers trailed inside my panties dancing in the wetness that pooled from my entrance. I stroked myself slowly, up and down...up and down, spreading my slick over my folds and clit. The more I thought back to that fantasy the more it fueled my passion.

The softest of moans escaped him. I had to strain my ears just to hear it but it made my toes curl instantly. “Fuck, I love being inside you…”

“You're still holding back, baby.” I spread my legs a little wider wanting better access to my entrance. I pushed one finger in easily but that didn't last long. I added another, curling the tips ever so slightly against my walls. I swallowed hard and licked my lips. The sounds on his end were getting faster. He was working his cock and I could picture how swollen he was; his hand traveling the length of his shaft, twisting slightly at the head that burned with sensitivity. Soft whimpers turned into harsh curses then short groans of pleasure. He sounded so good. My walls clenched around my fingers as my body shuddered. Just his sounds were driving me to the brink of an orgasm. Like music to my ears.

Then I heard my name. Over and over and over as the speed of his hand increased. I could hear the pace of his strokes quickening, the slickness of his precum was probably spread across his shaft. I thought about the way he tasted, the way his thick cum felt on my tongue. I lifted my knees towards my chest, fingering myself deeper as I was so desperate for him to hear me cum.

His breaths were ragged and intense now but he managed to speak. “I hear how wet you are, slut.” His short chuckle was filled with his usual sarcasm.

“You're the bigger...ahh...slut!” The last word came out as a cry as my fingers found my spot. “Now youre so loud. You like being loud for me, don't you, Hyunggu? You love being a good boy for me?”

He let out a loud gasp. “F-fuck! Don't call me that.”

I pushed a third finger inside me, my hips rocking up to meet my thrusts. “W-why not? Does it make you cum hard? Is that your little kink?”

He was a panting mess on the other line. I could tell he was trying to keep his mouth covered or at least bite down on his lip. I wanted to see him but the mystery of how he looked spread across his bed right now thrilled me. I slipped my hand under my shirt and grabbed at my breast, teasing and pulling my nipple to its sensitive erect state. My mind was at work again, taken back to my fantasy of him begging me to fuck him.

My hips worked in rough circles, feeling Kino plunge into me deeper. Harder. Faster. My head was tossed back as a slew of moans released from me. His hand landed hard smacks to my ass leaving burning red prints all over my cheeks. I could feel him watching my tits bounce, that evil tongue of his peeking out from his mouth to lick his lips. Everytime he did that it made me want to fuck him even more. I grabbed onto the headboard as he arched against my chest., his cock throbbing hard inside me. My free hand gripped a handful of his silver hair and forced his head towards me. “You want to cum like a good little boy, don’t you?”

He nodded breathlessly. “Make me cum, please!” He begged.

I smirked down at him, watching every muscle in his body tense under his skin. I licked his lips and whispered against them. “Cum inside me, baby.”

My walls clenched around his swollen cock fueling his cum to spill within me, warming me completely. His hips bucked with each strand that left him, his hand gripping my thighs so tight i could feel the bruises beginning to form. I slowed my bounces down pulled off of him gently. I could feel his cum threatening to slip out of me. I moved my hand between my thighs and gathered his cum on my fingers pushing it deeper inside me. I curled my fingertips against that little pleasure center inside me, crying out his name as I brought myself to the edge.

“FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!” My thighs shook as my cum shot out of me, dousing my panties and bedsheets. My breath felt like it was knocked out of me and my whole body was tingling. My whole head felt fuzzy as if I had just fainted. I looked around the room still upset that Kino was in his bed and not here with me. I swallowed hard and reached for my phone with my clean hand. I took it off speaker and pressed it to my ear in time to hear Kino moan deeply as he came. His wet strokes were slowing down as his breath struggled to keep up.

“Y-you ok?” I panted.

“Yeah...yeah I’m good. You sounded so fuckin’ sexy.”

“Yeah..uh...i squirted. Like everywhere. So that’s a new one.”

“Wait by yourself?” He asked. I had normally only done so when he, Hui, and Hyojong were inside me at the same time.

“Uh-huh. I was thinking about something in particular and I guess it...just…”

“Will you send me a picture?”

“God you’re gross.” I rolled my eyes. “Only if you send me a picture of your cum?”

He scoffed. “You’re such a hypocrite. You first though.”

“Fine, Fine. But you pay for the wings tomorrow.”

He groaned. “The things I do for you. Now hang up and send me the pic.”

“You’re so commanding!” I hung up on him quickly and decided to make him wait. Mostly because my legs were sore and i didn’t want to move at all or attempt to make myself look sexy. I felt my phone vibrate and of course it was Kino sending me a bunch of chicken emojis. I sighed and opened up my snapchat trying to find the best angle to show off my soaked sheets and panties, my hand still rubbing lazy circles on my clit. Once i was satisfied with the video I sent it. Eventually i willed myself to get up and change my sheets. I got up and dropped my panties to the floor and pulled off the dirty sheets. I tossed them in my hamper and pulled out some other sheets I had gotten on clearance. They were some white satin-y kind of material and not quite the right size for my dorm bed but it would have to do. I wasn’t in the mood to do a load of laundry now.

My phone vibrated again and I opened up my snapchat knowing it was a notif from Kino. I clicked on the video and saw the expanse of his cum covered abs, his cock beginning to soften. He dragged his fingers through his cum and the video switched angles, showing his face as he sucked it off his fingers one by one. His saved his middle finger for last, pulling it out with an audible pop, and flashing it to me. He stuck his tongue out, the icing on top of his irritatingly sexy video. I groaned and flopped back onto my bed, screaming into my pillow about how he was going to be the death of me. That stupid fuckin’ fuckboy!

___________________________________________

I finished misting my face with my makeup setting spray and checked myself out in the mirror. Not too shabby. I adjusted the waistband of my suspender skirt and fussed with my hair a bit more. I don’t know why I was trying so hard to look good. Maybe because he looked like a Korean supermodel and I didn’t want to look like a whale-potato next to him. I sighed and willed myself to stop fussing. I was about to text Kino to see where he was at but I heard a knock on my door. I opened it and stared at him. He was leaning against the doorframe, casually, dressed in tight skinny jeans, an oversized black shirt and a leather jacket. His hair was perfectly styled in such an effortless way and I hated him for being so ridiculously sexy.

“Hey.” He said. His eyes were crawling everywhere on my body.

“Hey…You look so…..Korea.”

He pushed his hair back and I wanted to scream. “And you look so America. What the hell does that mean anyway?”

“You know like...fashionable.” Attractive. Gorgeous. Deadly. “Just you know…” I stared at the rings on his slender fingers that was sliding through his silver locks. He was going to kill me today. I just knew it. Maybe we didn’t even have to go to the arcade. We could just stay here and fu-

“Are you gonna keep creepily staring at me or are we going to leave?”

I stopped staring at his hands and grabbed my purse. “Yeah, uh...Let’s go.”

There was no talk about what happened yesterday night. No talk about the dirty snaps we kept sending to each other until we fell asleep. No talk about the way he was currently holding my hand as we walked to my car. I stared down at our fingers and could only think about how cute they looked together. I unlocked my car when we were close enough and was surprised when Kino opened the door for me. I gave him a brief confused stare before getting in. He was still silent as he got in the passenger's seat. The ride was only filled with the soft drull of my music from my playlist. My hand fell comfortably to the center console as i drove and i felt Kino wrap his pinky around mine. I glanced over at him but he seemed to be occupied with staring out the window. This was...strange. Was he nervous? Did he not want to be here with me?

A lot of questions played in my mind as I pulled into the arcade parking lot about a half hour later. We got out of the car and I shoved him playfully. “C’mon, loser, I’m ready to kick your ass!”

A smile finally brightened his face which infected me with warmth. It was nice to see him smile like that and have it look genuine. It wasn't a smirk or a shit eating grin. It was Hyunggu. “Race you there!” He called out before sprinting towards the entrance of the arcade. He got there first, sticking his tongue out when I arrived seconds after him, panting slightly. He opened the door for me and i stepped through, taking in the smell of cheap pizza, sweat covered plastic, and stinky teenagers. I loved the arcade.

I went over to the change machine and Kino and I both slipped in a 20 in exchange for some tokens. “What game you want to do first?” He asked me.

I looked around surveying the selection of games. “Zombies.” I ran over to the booth, pleased to see some annoying kids move out when I arrived. I stepped in with Kino following behind me, closing the curtains to create the dark atmosphere. I pulled a few tokens out of my purse and put them in the coin slot. Kino did the same and we grabbed onto the guns. “Okay, i'll lead and you watch my back and the sides.”

“Sir, yes, sir.” Kino quipped. The countdown begin and the sound effects of labored breaths came through the speakers. Our characters ‘woke up’ as the throng of zombies crashed through a metal fence.

“Left.” I said as i landed two headshots. Kino aimed his gun and fired off several shots until he was empty.

“Wait, how do i reload?”

I groaned as I shot at zombies to pick up his slack. “Point the control off to the side and press the trigger. Hurry up!”

He did as I told and joined me in a murderous frenzy. We watched as other characters died and we prevailed. Kino landed a shot to some barrels of gas and made an entire crowd of zombies explode. I high fived him in excitement, loving the thrill of the high score. We were both acting like kids, laughing  and teasing each other to see who would die first.

“If you die first then you have to buy me a shot.” I told him.

“What, you mean in one year? I’m twenty, you idiot.”

I rolled my eyes. “I forget about that. Well fine, if you win what do you want?”

He fired a few shots as he thought. “Can it be anything?”

“Depends. I’m not going to like get naked in front of people or anything.”

“Ok, if I win, you come visit me in Korea”

I looked over at him briefly. “You serious? Like spend time with you there?”

“Spend time with all of us. For maybe like a few weeks or something. On your right.”

I adjusted my aim guide and hit the zombie on the right. “Ok, if I win you have to pay for my trip to Korea.”

“Deal.” He said instantly.  I leaned closer to the screen, determined that moving my body with the control would definitely help me land my hits more accurately. I was deep in concentration when i felt Kino’s fingers stroke my neck gently, his rings sliding gently across the surface of my skin while his tongue traced the outline of my ear. My entire body shivered and I let go of the gun.

“S-stop that!”

Kino pulled away and smirked as he landed a four hit combo. My character was already dead, my high score tossed away and replaced with Kino’s. I whacked the back of his head. “You cheated!”

“Ow!” He rubbed the sore spot and glared at me. “I didn’t cheat. I just used tactics.” He let go of the control as he died  “All's fair in love and war, princess.” He slid out of the booth while I cursed at him. I scooted out after him and saw him halfway across the arcade, heading towards the dance games. I had to run to catch up to him.

“Gee, thanks for waiting for me.” I grumped and crossed my arms over my chest.

He popped in a few tokens and hit the player one button. He raised his hand so the motion detector could register him before he selected a song. “You know you can do two player right?” I said.

He looked back at me after selecting his song. “Just watch and learn.”

The dance screen came up and filled with some anime looking girls. A sickly sweet pop song came on and I burst out laughing instantly when Kino started dancing to the cutesy moves. He had no shame in wiggling his hips and making cute faces. “Shake it but don’t break it baby!” I called out to him. He turned back to me and winked, holding up a peace sign before bouncing around again. I couldn’t help but record him, after all it could be used for future blackmail of him getting my ticket to Korea. But most importantly, he looked so adorable. The song finished and he pulled me over to him, panting slightly. “You want to try? You might want to start on easy.”

I rolled my eyes. “Maybe you should watch and learn then.” I stepped up to the machine and registered the motion detector. It took me a minute to find a good enough song but I chose something a little bit more sexy. The music started and I followed along, a little worse for wear at first but getting into the rhythm of the pre set moves. I swung my hips and shimmied, bouncing my ass just a bit because I knew he was watching. I looked back at him and he had a smug look on his face. His thumb was between his teeth holding back what he really wanted to say. I finished the song, watching the results of my score. “Not too bad huh?”

He put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me tight to his chest. “You’re a cock tease, you know that?”

“Of course. That’s what I do best.” We walked away from the dancing games for now and tried to see what our next target would be. We passed by a photobooth and I watched as the display photos popped up on the screen. I stared at it a bit longingly. Kino stopped and looked at the booth.

“You want pictures?” he asked.

I looked up at him. “Y-yeah...I don't really have any of just me and you. I have pictures of me with everyone else and our group ones, but not any of just us. But we don't have to.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the booth. “Let’s go.” I plopped down on the hard seat and fixed my hair, smiling a bit to myself. Kino fed the machine a 5 dollar bill and clicked through some options. “What should the first pose be?”

“Sexy! Always.” I replied. Kino got a little closer to me so we were both in the frame. He bit his lip and entangled his fingers in his hair while I winked and showed off my boobs. The flash went off and we only had a few seconds to readjust.

“Aegyo!”

Kino scrunched up his nose and put up two peace signs while I puffed out my cheeks and poked them. The flash went off again and we couldn't help but laugh when we caught a preview of our aegyo picture. We looked so dumb. I didnt even notice when the third flash went off, capturing us mid-laugh.

“Shit! We messed up! Now we only have one left. what should we do?” I asked frantically as the timer wound down.

I looked at Kino for a second before he pulled me close to him and kissed me. His hands held my jaw gently and his lips were nothing but warm caresses. My fingers curled against his jacket as my stomach released a fury of butterflies. I heard the sound of our photos printing and Kino pulled away slowly. “We should get those.”

“Hmm?” I still wanted to be wrapped up in his kiss and didn't care about the photos now. He chuckled.

“C'mon, loser. I have to beat your ass at another game before we get wings!” He stepped out and sprinted off somewhere again, leaving me to gather the strip of photos. I looked over them again, laughing at our silliness until I saw the bottom photo. Surrounding Kino and I was a frame of little pink hearts with a little cupid in the corner. I bit my lip as i stared at our lips together, the way his hand rested against me, the way i held onto him so tightly… my whole body felt warm and even though I kept trying to clear my head those feelings wouldn't go away.

______________________________________________

Kino and I stepped out of the arcade later on in the evening. He was holding the giant teddy bear I won him while I had on the crappy glitter bracelet he won me. A sprinkling of rain had overcome the parking lot and it looked like it was only going to get worse. “Shit, let's go before it starts pouring.” I said.

Kino nodded and we shuffled to my car. He tossed the bear into the trunk before we hurried into our seats. Our ride back was quieter, our energy mostly spent at running around and playing dancing games at least 40 more times. When I pulled into the student parking lot the drizzling outside had turned into a torrential downpour and I didn’t have an umbrella. I groaned and sat back in my seat. Being soaked was not on my list of things to do today. Kino rolled his head to look at me. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Are you going to get out?”

“Kino it's pouring! And we have to walk all the way to my dorm! We're gonna get soaked.”

“It's just rain. We'll be fine.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “You can go out and catch a cold, i won't.”

“Fine, maybe if we wait it'll calm down a bit.”

I glared at the rain splattering around my windshield, angry that it was ruining my time with Kino. He had turned back away from me, his head pressed against the window, eyes closed. His slender fingers drummed lazily on his knee and i watched the metal rings on his fingers catch the light of the streetlamp above my car. I don't know what it was but his hands were so attractive? Is that even a thing? Every single time they were touching me today I felt my entire body shudder. The drumming stopped and instead his fingers spread across his thigh. My eyes trailed a little higher towards his-

“You’re staring again, creep.”

I jumped up, startled at his words. I tried to say something but I could only stutter as heat rose to the tips of my ears. “ I-I was not!”

He turned and faced me. “You’ve been staring at me all day. What’s your deal? If you want to fuck just tell me.”

I rolled my eyes. “It was so much better when you weren't annoying today. I actually had a nice time with you.”

“I wouldn't be me if i didn't tease you a bit….but i had a nice time too.” He shifted a bit in the seat. “I want to do it again, if that's ok?”

“Y-yeah?”

He nodded. “We can go to the movies or something. A nice dark room in public. You love public places.” He smirked. I sighed and ignored him for for now, turning my attention back to the rain. The temperature had dropped quickly as the sun went down and the weather wasn’t really helping. A chill was starting to creep into my car. I hadn’t brought a jacket since the day started out fairly warm. “Are you cold?”

“I’m fine,” I lied.

He stood up and maneuvered himself into the backseat. “Alright well, I’ll be back here taking a nap and you can wake me up when you want to get out.”

I watched him through the rearview mirror as he spread out as much as he could in the confined space. He closed his eyes and placed his arm behind his head, adjusting himself every few seconds until he settled in a comfortable position. The rain still hadn’t slowed down and it felt like we were trapped. I switched on a playlist from my spotify so it wasn’t as awkwardly quiet between us. The minutes ticked on and I almost contemplated running out in this rain just to leave the car. But the prospect of being drenched while I was shivering still didn’t sound all that thrilling. I sighed and climbed into the backseat, whacking my head on the roof and practically falling onto Kino. “Shit! Fuck…”

Kino caught me, jumping up instantly when i fell on him. “Christ! Why are you such a klutz?”

“It’s hard moving in this car!” I yelled as I rubbed the back of my head. I plopped down between his legs and adjusted myself on top of him, my head laying on his chest. I felt him tense for a moment then relax under me. He settled his arm around my shoulder and shifted slightly.

“You still cold?”

I nodded and played with the lapel of his jacket. I wanted to tell him that i loved the way he helped me kill zombies, or how cute he looked when i beat him at table hockey, and that i really loved the shitty glitter bracelet we won me with his 20 tickets but i was too much of a chicken to even let him know that. I looked at him and his eyes remained closed, completely relaxed with a steady breath. Now that I was closer I could smell the musky sweetness of his cologne. It was lulling me me into into a steady comfort. I had never really spent time with him like this before. We barely touched after fucking. Sometimes, if i even stayed in his dorm, we would just sleep side by side and he’d remain closer to the wall as if he was allergic to me. But this was nice.

His hand came to rest on top of mine, his index finger tapping to the beat of the song that started playing. I lifted my head and watched as his lips effortlessly wrapped around the notes, my heart filling with the sweet sound of his voice. I had never heard him sing before. We had only ever had dance classes together since that was our majors. I pushed his hair back gently and his eyes opened. “You sound...amazing.” I whispered.

He licked his lips slowly and chuckled softly. “Thanks...i just really like this song.”

“I’ve never heard you sing before. I didn’t know you could.”

“I write and compose songs all the time. I just…” He shrugged and looked away. “Think I’m better at dancing.”

“I know what you mean.” I chewed at my lip a bit. “I-i don’t like the way I sound when i sing either.” I looked away from him, returning my face to the nook between his neck and shoulder.

“You don’t sing, you rap that’s different.” He said. “...Or do you mean you can-?”

“Hui says I can but i still think that sound like a dying cat.”

“If Hui says you’re good then you must be amazing. He’s basically the best singer along with Jinho.”

“Don’t ask me to sing for you because that’s not happening. I hate singing for people.”

Kino sat up, moving me with him. I had have expected him to tease and force me to sing but he leaned in closer, angling his head so that our lips were only centimeters apart. Now i thought that he was just going to land a kiss but instead he resumed his soft singing, the notes whispered against my lips. I closed my eyes and drank in the steadiness of his voice. My hands slid up his chest towards his neck where I rubbed the shaved nape of his neck. He responded by cupping his hands around my waist, holding me tightly. “Hyunggu…” I whispered.

He pressed his forehead to mine and I connected our lips. I kissed him slowly, our body heat finally putting a bit of warmth in the car. His tongue slipped easily into my mouth, dancing against mine and pulling a small whimper out of me. He smiled against my lips. “What was that?”

I hid my face in my hands. “Be quiet.”

“Oh, you’re really gonna be shy? Around me? Really?” He pulled my hands away and kissed me again. I leaned back in the seat, pulling him down on top of me. His hands slipped under my skirt and caressed my hip and thigh, pulling my leg around him so he could nestle between them. I don’t know why I felt a little shy. Maybe it was because he let me hear him sing...a certain air of vulnerability between us? Or maybe it was just the way he looked today. You would think I was a teenager with a crush. Whatever it was, it was slipping inside me with every kiss and pooling within the pit of my stomach. I could feel his jeans pressed against my center and my hips dipped into his. “You should’ve just told me this was what you wanted…” He cooed against my ear.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I was still thinking about what you said. About me putting out on the first date.”

He kissed at my neck, gentle presses of his full lips on my jugular. “This isn’t a date remember? If you want something all you have to do is ask. And i also said I was sorry.” His right hand slid over my shoulder, down to my breasts, over my stomach, and under my skirt where his fingers danced across my panties. I nudged my hips up to meet his hand so he could cup me fully.

“Make me feel good. That’s what I want, Hyunggu.”

He licked his lips and nodded, barely saying a word as he busied his mouth with kisses across my neck and collarbone while his fingers moved under the lace fabric. His slender fingers stroked the length of my folds, the coolness of his metal rings against my skin made me gasp. My body shuddered as my thighs tried to keep shut.

“What’s wrong?”

I swallowed hard. “Y-you’re rings are c-cold…”

“Oh. Sorry, I’ll take them off.” I gripped his wrist before he could pull his hand away and pressed my entrance onto his fingers.

“Don’t you dare.” I moaned. “Keep going.”

He clicked his tongue and kept his fingers pressed inside me. “You never cease to amaze me.” His free hand gripped mine tightly, our palms pressed together, fingers hugged tight against each other. My eyes fluttered shut as I tried to spread my legs wider but my car was so small it was hard to move around. I groaned, a mix of frustration and pleasure. I wanted him deeper inside me and it was driving me insane.

“K-Kino…” I opened my eyes and found that he had been looking down at me, a small smirk across his lips. “W-what…?”

“Nothing. You just look good.” He shrugged and slowed his thrusts. “Your car is really small.”

“Yah, ya think?” I sighed and sat up. “Do you just want to go inside?.”

“No. Not at all.” He pulled me up from the seat and bent me over the center console. I gasped as i almost fell into the front seats, bracing my hands near the gear shift. Just as I was about to yell at him, I felt Kino’s warm tongue on my center. “F-fuck, Kino don’t do that.”

He ignored me and continued small licks to my folds, letting out a soft moan in between. My breath hitched as I gripped the sides of the seat. His hands rubbed the swell of my ass until he grabbed my panties and yanked them down. He went back to work, kissing my pussy lips slowly while flicking his tongue against my entrance. His hands gripped and kneaded at my cheeks and thighs, his fingernails digging in ever so slightly. “Y-you’re not gonna let me out of this car, are you?” I asked in a breathy moan. I felt him shake his head while his tongue was still inside me. I nudged my legs apart a little bit more and rocked my hips back against him. His name became written in the visible puffs of breaths I exhaled as i desperately wished for him to touch me more.

As if he read my mind his hands moved around my thighs and down my calves, every ridge of his rings sliding over my skin like a newfound sin. My legs buckled when his hands came back to my upper thighs. He stroked the length of my slit slowly with the underside of his fingers before he nudged the design of his larger square ring on his index finger against my clit. I gasped loudly as my nails dug into the seats a wave of pleasure becoming a dangerous tsunami. He rocked his finger against me again, slow and torturous until I was screaming his name and begging to cum. My body was shuddering when he yanked me back onto his lap. I immediately felt his cock underneath me. “So, this is what you’ve been wanting, huh? I didn’t know you’d like these that much.” He held his hand up in front of me and i could see the silver glistening with my cum through the light from the street lamp above. “What about this one?” He pulled the textured metal band off his thumb and switched it to his middle finger. “How loud can you scream for this one?”

I tried to squirm away from him, afraid of the shit that was going to come out of my mouth as soon as his hands got near me, but he pulled my legs open and propped my feet on the headrests in front of us. I was panting hard, my back against his chest so I could feel his heart beating as fast as mine. I was spread open for him and he had enough access to slide the band through my folds. Every pass of the textured metal seemed to hit all my nerves that were bursting with excitement. “Kino...fuck...God. Please don’t tease me. Please…” I mewled.

His unoccupied hand slid under my crop top and yanked my bralette to the side. His had smaller, simpler bands on this hand but they still elicited that same thrill against my skin as the others. He was making small windshield wiper strokes across my nipple, making it bud to the surface. I could feel his breath across my neck before his swiped his tongue across my jugular. His teeth wrapped around the sensitive skin and pulled blood to the surface in a gaping mark just below my jawline. It was a spot that always made me go crazy, especially when Kino was the one teasing it. My hands were grasping for anything to stabilize myself and ending up twisting in Kino’s hair, yanking his head back hard.

He growled and released the hold his teeth had on my neck. “Ow! You fucker.” My eyes rolled over to him and i saw the dangerous smirk cross his mouth. “Do it again.”

I swallowed hard and pulled on his hair again. “Be a good boy for me, Kino.”

The sound he made was almost inhuman and made every hair on my body stand on end. I could feel his cock throbbing against my ass eagerly awaiting freedom from the confines of his jeans. “Is all that for me?” I asked in a teasing tone. He wasn’t going to be the only one going crazy in this car. “Are you gonna cum inside me, baby?”

I felt him tense beneath me, his dark eyes questioning every word I had said. I leaned in closer and pressed my words into his neck. “You are going to cum inside me Kino. I can’t wait to be so fuckin’ full with your hot...thick-” I gasped as he grabbed me by my shirt and slammed our lips together. His tongue was vicious, teeth painfully tugging at my bottom lip while his fingers dove deep inside me. His rings were pressing against my entrance, occasionally entering me as he forced his fingers knuckle deep. I could only swallow back my screams of pleasure as my hips snapped up harshly to plunge him deeper into me. Kino wouldn’t even let me pull away to breathe. Every moment was filled with him taking over my mouth and pussy. My nails were embedded deep in his scalp, my body shuddering violently as it begged for my orgasm to overflow. My back arched high as i felt his fingers curl deep inside me. My mind was screaming YES!YES!YES! as I tiptoed closer to the edge. But all of that was gone in an instant.

Kino pulled away from me completely leaving me breathless and pissed off. My legs fell from their propped up position, tingling like they were filled with pins and needles. “Get up.” He commanded. I growled and hauled myself up within the confined space. He worked himself out of his jacket and shirt before unbuttoning his pants and pulling them down around his ankles. My eyes immediately fell to his cock that was now laying on his stomach, finally freed. He adjusted himself in the seat, spreading his legs a little wider before he gripped his shaft. I watched the rings slide across his skin, the metal clicking together ever so slightly. That simple sound triggered something inside me and if that wasn’t bad enough Kino let out a deep low moan. His head fell back against the backseat as he jerked himself a little faster. My cum that was still on his fingers mixed with the bit of precum spilling from his slit as he twisted his hand over his sensitive tip. I couldn’t wait anymore. If i did i was going to go crazy.

I pulled away my shirt and bra before climbing onto him. He looked up at me, our eyes locking as I sunk down onto him slowly. “Ohh fuck…” He groaned.

I bounced slowly, even though i wanted to fuck him into oblivion, teasing him as payback was going to make my orgasm that much sweeter. Inch by inch i felt him sliding in and out of me, our hips kissing every time i settled him in all the way. His brows were furrowed, lips frozen in a permanent moan. His hands were placed on either side of my ass keeping a firm hold of my cheeks as if he was trying to hold himself together. The windows misted with the fog of our breaths intermingling. He pulled me for another kiss, slowing down his pace a bit. His thrusts were starting to meet my bounces, matching the way his tongue caressed mine. Going slow was supposed to be torture for him yet...it made everything even hotter. We eased into a steady rhythm of grinding, his hips snapping up to meet mine in a harsh thrust. He was coaxing every feeling out of me in just one night and my mind could barely wrap around any of it. His kisses made their way down to my breasts and he captured my nipple in his mouth, sucking hard.

I held him tight to my chest, pulling at his hair when he pressed against my spot. He was filling me completely and it was as if my fantasy from last night was coming true. I was shivering in the stillness of the air but Kino’s hands kept exploring, grabbing, and rubbing wherever he pleased, warming me a little bit at a time. His mouth continued to work across my chest, leaving small hickies in hidden areas that only i could look at later. He was normally one for aggressively marking up in the most visible of places but these...looking back at these would help me think back to this moment with him. My body convulsed when i felt his ring covered fingers spread across the small of my back, the other hand crawling up my chest to drum its fingers across my throat. The grip came slowly at first, testing the water and my reaction. Of course, i fell into it easily, loving the way the metal clung to my skin, pressing into it like a branding, hot and stinging.

“Good boy…” The compliment fell into a rasp as his hand seized tight at my words. My eyes fell shut and it was like all I could hear were our moans mixing and the soft music still playing on my phone.The song seemed to be connected with our own tempo; a nice harshness mixed with a tender pace.

Nights in white satin Never reaching the end Letters I've written Never meaning to send

I could feel him throbbing inside me. He was coming undone but the look in his eyes screamed for my pleasure. He yearned for it just as badly as i yearned for his. My walls were keeping him trapped, flexing around his swollen cock begging for his cum. He landed a bite to my rib cage and i could barely squeeze out his name through the hold he had on my throat. My hand slammed against the fogged up windows, leaving streaks behind as my orgasm hit me hard. I clung to him, my nails making deep scratches between his shoulder blades when i at last felt his heat spread inside me. The sound he made had me riding another wave of ecstasy, extending my orgasm to another degree.

He fell back against the seat, his teeth chattering as our body heat wasn't enough to keep us warm any longer. The beads of sweat across his forehead felt like ice on his skin. I pressed myself to him trying to share what little bit of warmth we had left. It was a stupid idea to remove what clothes we had on just to get a bit more pleasure. It was mostly worth it though. Kino grabbed his jacket from the seat and wrapped it around me. “Here, you need this more than i do.”

I pulled my hands through the sleeves and adjusted the form fitting jacket around my breasts.  His eyes trailed across my torso and he grabbed my face, pulling me in for another kiss. His fingers on either side of my face had me feeling so comforted as our lips mated into a slow rhythm.

Beauty I've always missed With these eyes before Just what the truth is I can't say any more

Our foreheads pressed together as we separated for the last time. “I want you in bed with me.” i whispered.

He nodded and pushed me off him gently so he could pull up his pants and put his shirt on. With his cock no longer inside me i could feel his cum start to drip down my thighs. I tried to hold it in as best as i could, wanting to keep it there but it was no use. “I’ll give you more later, I promise.” He kissed the back of my hand before opening the door and sliding out. The rain drenched him instantly but he held his hand out for me to grab. I zipped his jacket up and took his hand cursing as the drops felt like icicles impaling me. I grabbed my purse and my phone, locking my car before we ran out into the night. The short run to my dorm made us look like we had gone through a hurricane. Kino was visibly shaking at this point and I rushed to try and get my key to swipe through the door lock. I finally managed to get us in and we shuffled to the elevator, leaving splatters of water across the tile. I looked over at him and felt so bad. His hair was dripping on his face and his body looked so small with his shirt clinging to him like that. I pulled him close to me which he accepted even though I’m sure the leather jacket wasn’t doing much to help.

I couldn’t help but laugh a little as we got to my floor. “We look like Jack and Rose.”

“Y-yeah. Just throw me o-off the door then.” He said through his chattering teeth. I pulled him along to my room and opened the door immediately turning up the heat. I helped him pull his clothes off and grabbed my towel to dry him off first. I pushed his hair back and guided him to the bed giving him a quick kiss before he slipped in.

“Get under the covers, baby.”

I didn’t have to tell him twice. He pulled every blanket i had over him slowly easing his shivering down. I pulled off the rest of my clothes and dried off, tying my hair up before shutting off the light and retreating to the bed. Kino unwrapped himself from the blanket burrito and beckoned me to join him. I eased in and laid down. He pulled himself on top of me, settling between my legs and enveloping us in the building warmth. I kissed his forehead and pushed his hair back, whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

“Stay with me Hyunggu…”

He nodded against my shoulder, eyes falling closed as his hips rolled against my center. “Always…”

Cause I love you Yes I love you Oh how I love you Oh how I love you

#kino smut #kino scenario #pentagon kino #pentagon smut #pentagon fanfic #pentagon fanfiction #pentagon #pentagon hui #hui smut #hui scenario #hui pentagon #edawn #edawn scenario #edawn smut #hongseok smut #hongseok scenario #hongseok pentagon #ptg

[dropsofletters]

i am not you

Title: i am not you Pairing: Byun Baekhyun/Reader Genre: Trainee!AU/Idol!AU Summary: Byun Baekhyun is just another talented boy who thinks that he is better than anyone else, she claims. Note: This is for @velxris, @hitchhikingbabeh and @hoyuelosescribe!

Every minuscule, little, abstract mistake is taken into consideration when you are an idol or someone who expects to be. She never liked to be judged, but she had grown used to it in the competitions that she had been in throughout her life– it started with some guitar lessons, then it went to higher expanses like singing and dancing, but it only ended up with her being a trainee that sporadically concentrated on rapping. It was meant to be… technically, at least in the entertainment company that she found a contract in– if you were a singer and not a specially outstanding one, they were most likely going to give you a few lines on a song or if you had enough rhythm, turn you into a rapper. Still, she tries as hard as she can even though it isn’t her initial dream, but right now her only goal is to be able to debut. Some say it will be in a group, others proclaim that there is a bigger project for a boy group coming and that is why she won’t debut soon, but rumors were normal around the company.

Her dream had started when she went to a concert and strangely enough it was in her early teenage years after she managed to get amazing grades that got her the permission to go to a Super Junior concert. She ended up wanting to be in that stage and as soon as she had the opportunity to try to become an idol as them, she did it. Every entertainment industry had heard of her and while her talents with singing and instruments were fairly outstanding, she was not the typical idol. They wanted good dancers, amazing visuals and perfected vocals that could go to girl groups, the idea of a band was not that well known back then and while she had her own band in high school, SM entertainment had been very clear with the ideas they had for her. A rapper, potentially a bad girl vibe, if her popularity did not go high for her lack of confidence and shy demeanor then some dating scandal would surface and if she ever gets to debut, the second album will include her talent in playing instruments. Although, she thinks she is getting closer to debuting, having appeared in a few music videos of her own company.

But just like how there were people who had to fight their ways to get to the very top of the popularity list, there were people who just had that idol façade since the very start. In a world like this, there were millions of trainees and most of them either left or were dropped, it had happened a year prior to that when they took a bunch of male trainees to form the supposed ‘group of the century’ that publicists talked about, one that had a storyline and planned comeback after comeback. She only hopes that there is also a lineup for a girl group as well, but she does not know if she would be able to make it into the group while competing with a bunch of other people. However, the initiation of a boy group meant that she had less schedules and she had to wait more in her practices, considering her debut was not as near as she thought it would be and some people are getting quite well known as the group prepares for their debut. Supposedly, there were twelve guys and one of them is a person that she appreciates a lot, Junmyeon was his name, but other than that she barely pays attention to any of them… they were either nice or bad guys, maybe people she will get to know in the future, but other than that she just can’t concentrate on something that was not her own debut.

Still, there was a personal favorite of the singing teachers around the company and honestly she wishes she could be like him. Byun Baekhyun. Everyone around the company knows him for his high notes, sweet looking features, good jokes and the overall complexity of his talents that made him the perfect idol, something that she was not. No matter how hard she had tried to convince the teachers that her voice could do something, it was just a plain sounding good voice– amazing enough to be developed, yes, but not the main point of the concept they had for the girl group that she could potentially be in. Her mind is brought to this Baekhyun guy because Junmyeon had talked about him before, supposedly he tries to lighten the mood and has a very high stamina, also he is wishing and craving to debut as soon as possible. Sweet, nice, good looking, amazing voice with a proximity to high notes… truthfully, something she could idolize herself.

One of the people that were going to debut with her, was Shaiming and by her soft, breathy voice and soprano range she had gotten the teacher’s attention. Shaiming had earned the respect of the whole group of female trainees (and even some males), considering that she was also very nice and the color of her personality captured a lot of people’s attention. However, as she drank her bubble tea and sat on a chair that was inside the room they were using for singing lessons, Shaiming seemed to have a bad time reaching a high note while doing a falsetto, making her close one of her eyes to get closer to it but her voice broke as she used her throat instead of her nose to reach it.

“Shaiming, use your head voice.” The instructor indicated as seriously as he could while playing the notes on the piano once again. They were doing a very difficult song for most voices, partially because that was a way of improving without straining the trainee’s voices. Shaiming tries once again but the instructor stops his movements. “You’re straining your voice, try again.” Honestly, she does not want to speak up, it would sound as if she was trying to shame Shaiming but as she hums the tone, she feels like she can make it. It seems like she gets an opportunity because the instructor looks around the room before settling his eyes on hers. “Want to give it a try?”

She really should not feel bad about the life that she is earning. One day, she was going to be a rapper with a personality that wasn’t hers, but she can only hope that as time passes after her debut… the possible success that comes with it can lead her to be her real self. The instructor plays the keys once again and it feels nostalgic, how she can sing and has managed to practice it for such a long time only to be called not authentic enough. These days, voices that were easily differentiated from the rest of the singers in the industry and sadly, she was not one of them. The instructor seems happy with her example and then, he proceeds to point out the techniques she used to do that, as well as giving some advice to specific trainees, making her repeat the example as many times as he needed. The class is interrupted when the sound of the practice room’s door being opened hits, making everyone turn their heads to the person that was entering the room, the one and only Byun Baekhyun.

His hair was dark brown and there was a slight lift on his upper lip that only intensified when he remained serious, but Baekhyun gave a shy smile to the instructor as he spoke up. “Excuse me, teacher, we have been waiting for you in the practice room because we had singing lessons and we were wondering where you were.” The instructor seems to be caught off guard and he looks down at his watch to realize that, indeed, he was running pretty late to his next class.

“Give me a second.” That is all the instructor says before returning his gaze to the group of trainees that were in front of him, giving a few quick final explanations that were not being ignored by her even though she was standing next to the teacher. However, Baekhyun interlocked his hands behind his back and got closer to her, his long bangs covering the upper part of his eyebrows before but he had moved them to the side a bit.

“You’re a really good singer.”

“Huh?” Those words catch her off guard, much more because they are whispered to her and once she looks at Baekhyun, she realizes he is looking ahead of him, trying to play it off as if he wasn’t speaking. “Ah…yes, thank you.” She had heard it before, way before she started being a trainee, as time passed she had concentrated more on having an edge with her voice when rapping, but other than that she had been lacking on confidence when it came to singing because of what had been told to her while being a trainee.

Baekhyun nods his head, as if saying ‘anytime’ but as extroverted as he was, he kept on speaking to her in a low tone. “I really like how you hit your falsettos.  I would have never guessed it from you… since you’re a rapper, right?” It must have been the obvious attention that always went to Baekhyun or the fact that he was, indeed, a well known singer around the company… but the comment left a bad taste in her mouth. Of course, she had only showcased her rapping in most situations where she had been put in front of a group of people to evaluate her, including trainees, idols, instructors, publicists and whoever else was in the company, but most people knew that she had entered there because of her talent in instruments and singing, not rapping at all. She takes it as a compliment, after all. “I guessed you didn’t sing much.  Rappers normally don’t sing at all.”

“I didn’t choose to be a rapper.” She explains in a serious tone and then, Baekhyun looks at her from the corner of his eye. “The instructors told me I had a good speaking voice that could fit rapping, as well as a sense of rhythm, but my singing voice is plain, so they say.”

Baekhyun once again gives his own judgment. “Well, you haven’t stood out for your vocals just yet.” A shrug of his shoulders is added and maybe she is reading too much into it, but Baekhyun was what people would call a perfect trainee that soon would become a perfect idol. He was in that lineup for the boy group that Junmyeon could potentially be part of and to say the least, he had always stood out for his talents, so he would not understand what it would be to ‘not stand out’. “Try to add some adlibs or take your opportunity with whistle tones, since that is barely seen around here.” The instructor stands up from his seat and calls Baekhyun’s name, whom simply waves at her before continuing with his speech. “Bye!”

But oh, did she want to snap at the guy. Of course Byun Baekhyun would not understand what it was to be a boring trainee, there is just so much personality inside him as well as a variety of talents that could be developed in such a way that could turn him into the next it boy of the entire industry. Talent and all, he was also a trainee and he probably had around three or four months of training– which was way less of the year and a half that she had there– so the fact that he tried to give her some advice rubbed her the wrong way. Just another talented boy that thinks he is better than anyone else. What an ass.

It feels like she is on the verge of giving up on her dream.

The window in front of her shows the city view that could be seen from the building and in any other occasion, she would have loved to look at it after a long day of practicing but her eyes were itching with tears that she had not dropped yet, and not only that but her limbs were aching after a week of overworking herself and all for nothing . . . It had been two and a half years ever since she was signed as a trainee under this company and in all honesty, she feels like she is getting further away from debuting. There were preparations for another girl group to debut in the following years but she seemed to not be in the lineup for the final group. A few people were interested in what they had seen of her in some stages where she served as a backup dancer or in music videos where she has appeared, but she is unknown enough to have people wondering how she was named. Not only that, but she had been told that day that she should expect at least three more years until she was finally debut worthy and that only made her feel like a pile of nothingness falling from an abysm.

It was time to go back to her dorm that she shares with more people than she would like to, she probably will have three to four hours of sleep before going back in the morning and practicing until both her throat and her legs were aching. She still had to fight for her dream even when she did not feel like she had enough strength to do. She is still young though, perhaps she could go for something a lot more average, like a college degree and a nine to five job where she can actually stand out. Her hands go to her eyes and she rubs them harshly, trying to stop the tears and not worrying the slightest bit about her ruined makeup, she needs to feel like there was a light at the end of the road, needs to let out her frustrations too.

The sound of someone entering and she thanks the heavens that her back was facing the door because she immediately does her best to look like she was not at the beginning of her crying session. However, the person that had entered gets closer to her and with one hand over her shoulder, she feels the presence of someone leaning by her side to look at her and once she steals a glance at the person, she sees the much skinnier face of Byun Baekhyun with his dirty blonde hair and not an ounce of makeup over his skin. To say the least, he looked surprised but by the tightness of his forehead and how his eyes represented tiredness, she knew that he too was also not in a good place.

But she still hates him, call her egocentric or plain out stupid, but she thinks that Baekhyun is a lucky person who never had to deal with being secluded to the point of being forgotten. Baekhyun will stay relevant, in the top of the charts and right now he is doing amazing with his group’s comeback (the song was called Growl or something like that), so she really just thinks that he is tired… but still, Baekhyun has plenty of things to be thankful of in his life. He manages to give her a smile before her gaze completely turns towards her and his eyes soften.

“Are you crying?” And there is nothing that she hates more than being pitied. The feeling settles inside her chest like the many times that she has been denied the opportunity to debut and not only that, there was something that made her feel like he was mocking her. Baekhyun was usually funny and extroverted, what could make her think that he was taking her seriously for once? “Hey, don’t cry-” His fingers settle over her head and he tries to reassure her by threading his fingers through her hair but she pushes his hand away, shaking her head.

“Leave me the fuck alone, Baekhyun.” Her words are harsh and somehow, Baekhyun feels caught off guard. The blonde man pulls away from her, knowing completely well that he should just be practicing on his own instead of lingering too much on the thought, but he was taken aback to say the least. In the last year, he had been too busy working and doing the very best to reach a good place in the idol industry and he had not been able to be around his trainee or high school friends in a long while, but the two were never close to start with. There was always an air of hatred coming from her, as if she truly disliked him and Baekhyun gets it, not everyone was going to like him, but it seemed pretty envious of her.

“I’m just trying to help.”

“What can you help me with?” She stands up from spot she had taken on the cold floor and then she pulls her plaid shirt that had fallen slightly off her shoulder upwards, sighing deeply and pressing her fingers to her temples. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Baekhyun scoffs and nods his head, putting his water bottle down and going towards the computer that was there to look for the music he was going to play. He still needed to get a better grip on the choreography for rehearsals. “Okay fine so I don’t, but you don’t have to be a bitch about it.” There is an itching feeling in his tongue and it simply comes because he has had a pretty stressful year. Although it came with a lot of hard work and a lot of payoff too, it had been tough for him and his lack of sleep as well as the need to do better was getting to him and truthfully, he was not going to deal with her attitude anymore. “Maybe that is why you don’t debut.  You have the talent but you’re just an asshole at times.”

That’s funny, she thinks. “You’ve debuted and you’re so far up your own ass that it is surprising, so that’s not the reason why I haven’t debuted.” She tells him with venom spilling from her lips and she really should go instead of fighting with Baekhyun there at an ungodly hour of the night, but he always says the meanest things to her and perhaps he actually wanted to give her some good criticism, but she does not think that he is in a position to do so. “You’re just making fun of me because you think you’re better.”

Baekhyun wants to ignore her as he writes down on the computer to search for his latest song, but he can’t really stand her at that very moment. “At least I don’t have an attitude.” At that moment, she just really wishes she had the force to just slap his pretty face and go, but she would never do that. Instead, Baekhyun turns around and the loud music fills the air in between the two but she reaches for the computer and turns it off before he could start dancing. “What the fuck-?”

“Say you’re sorry.”

“Why should I be sorry? I asked why you were crying and you just screamed at me. I won’t say sorry. I don’t owe you shit.” Baekhyun explained, his pride very prominent as he crossed his arms over his chest and then, she tightens her fists and hears Baekhyun speaking up once again. “Just go back to your dorm and let’s pretend this never happened. I am tired and you’re crying for whatever reason, so let’s make it easier for the two of us and just leave it like that.”

“Rot in hell, asshole.” She tells him in between gritted teeth as she picks up her backpack and rushes to the door, opening it and slamming it behind her as she feels more tears pricking at her eyes. What was so hard about just debuting and being given an opportunity?  She does not know, but it seems like everything is going wrongly for her.

Candle lights. Balloons. Her closest friends gathered together. It was not her birthday, but it surely seemed like it. The adrenaline she felt the moment she heard people shouting her name along with ‘surprise’ was inevitable, just because after years of trying to get the position of an idol, she had finally done it. The year 2014 was filled with ideas since the very beginning and the moment she was given the opportunity to take part on the first girl duo in the company, she took it without a second thought. After all, she was going to end up being the rapper of the group but on the first day of her debut, she had no regrets. The concept was a lot different from the colorful one most groups were following and as much as she would like to worry about the music shows she had to attend for the rest of the week, she was too excited to see her friends (both trainees and from school) gathered together to celebrate that after years of training she was finally an idol. The only thing she could do right now is anticipate that people genuinely like the duo and continue to do music. 

The dorm was still pretty empty and somehow, the tiny place looked even smaller with the amount of people that had visited her– being only eleven people in total– but that was because she had moved from the dorm she lived in for years to a smaller place with her group member. The living room barely had a couch and some sheets, but everything looked so much brighter because her friends had decorated the place. However, her eyes settle on the person that comes towards her with a small cake on his hands, hovering over her the slightest and making her smile when she realizes that it was her boyfriend. 

Kaito was a friend’s friend that she met in the third year of being a trainee. It happened at her friend’s party, in which she just happened to meet the cute looking man and she thought that it would be a great idea to talk to him, buzzed and drunk she was much braver and the moment the two talked, he was immediately interested in everything she did. Although they had been dating since then, almost reaching a year together, she felt like he was the only person that understood her completely.

“Congratulations.” Kaito told her in a soft tone and she smiled, blowing the candles before she heard people cheering around the room. Her smile widens when one of her friends gets the beers out and she realizes that it was her time to celebrate after years of insecurities. Her boyfriend was tightly placed by her side the entire time, helping her take bites of food in between drinks so she did not get too drunk because after all, she was an idol now and being hangover in one of her performances in front of a public did not seem like the best idea.

It was a moment of accomplishment, surely, it felt like a dream that she did not want to wake up from and as she drank her third bottle of beer, she started to concentrate more on the music that was in the background. There was something so nice about the atmosphere, as if she did not have any more worries in the world, lips slightly glazed by the taste of the cake she had eaten and particularly, she is feeling like the queen of her own world when her head rests on her boyfriend’s shoulder. However, her little moment of happiness is even more fueled the moment she hears one of the most played songs of the year.

It came from EXO, the group in the same company as hers that was doing very well at the moment after years of debuting. Baekhyun was also in that group, but she had only been congratulated by two people Junmyeon and Sehun, whom she had grown close with after being a trainee for so long. The other guys were also extremely nice, but because she had been a trainee by the time they debuted, she had not gotten to know them past an introduction phase, not including Baekhyun. It brings a sense of confidence that she is finally in the same space as Baekhyun and while he is her senior and much more popular, she is also an idol and just like him, she had reached her dreams. Hopefully, she can live the expectations of being a nice rapper and if things do look up in the future, she will be able to show more talents to the people who follow her.

Fans still sounds quite too foreign.

Another bite of the chips that her friends had brought lets her know that she still had to work extremely hard, but as of now she is tired of crying like she had done in the morning when she read the nice comments about her debut, the only need that she feels inside her chest is the thrive to get better and reach a level of respect in the industry. Hopefully, that will come soon.

 Humanity was lost for most idols, it includes both women and men, it seems like every single person in the idol world is criticized by the littlest expression of being human. If people knew that she had been dating in her debut year, they would have probably not even given her a second glance but now that she is in front of hundreds of people, performing for her third comeback one year after debut… she feels like she is in the verge of breaking down and no one notices. It was obvious that someone like her wouldn’t have had time for a relationship and Kaito just grew out of it. The cancelled dates became a sudden excuse that he could not bear, the amount of times she secluded him from her life because she was too busy were suddenly things she got scolded for and she did not like it; it was hard to keep a relationship when someone changed and she knew that she had changed into a better version of herself, someone that is closer to who she wanted to be. A performer, an artist, a person that would give their everything for music… but Kaito never fell in love with that part of her, instead he liked just how she was before debuting, when she still had not found a reason in her decisions in life. Those actions had lead to a break up and her throat tightens with every second that passes, every moment that she thinks of how her long-term relationship suddenly ended because of her dream. Her dream had taken so much from her and she still loved it.

The red dress she was wearing was tight around her waist and she absolutely hates just how unconfident she feels at the eyes of the world. Of course, she is terribly broken from her break up and how bad the two ended up being with one another, but she also has to stand on stage as she waits for the hosts to finally read the name of whoever had won first place that week. Inside her train of thought, she had been unable to check just how well her latest comeback had done and now she is gripping her group member’s hands. Eunae must be just as nervous, even though she manages to keep a smile on her face and reassure her friend that everything was going to be okay, that maybe the things she has given up for her career would just be little memories that will lead her to her success.

Surprisingly, the name of her duo is the one that is called when they announce the winners and the person who had done so was none other than Baekhyun. His tone is high and there is confetti falling over the stage, indicating that it was their second win in the entirety of their career but the first time they had an all-kill. A smile appears over her face, even when she truly feels like she has lost half of her soul, and while bowing to everyone she walks closer to where Baekhyun is with the award that they were given. Eunae is the one to take it in her hands, after all, she was the leader in the duo. The moment feels like the best minutes of her life and when she looks over her shoulder, she realizes that Baekhyun was smiling to them. The exchange of glances does not last long but she wishes she could smile back, instead, she looks ahead to the groups of people that were cheering for them.

It is exciting to dance a few bits of the song after and the celebration seems to still pump inside her veins when she goes backstage. However, she goes back to her saddened mindset when she sits at one of the couches that were there and she presses her palm to her forehead. Her head was thumping, her mind was filled with ideas and now she feels relieved, but at the same time she is in the verge of crying… whether it was because she had won or because of her break up she wasn’t too sure yet. The sound of the leather of the couch catches her attention and lets her know that someone sat by her side, but they remain silent. The moment she opens her eyes, she realizes that Baekhyun was there, his legs spread and his hands interlocked as his elbows rested over his thighs. His hair was dark and parted, he had heavy eyeliner on and when he steals a glance at her and he does not look too happy.

It is ironic how they always meet at their worst days. She had not talked to Baekhyun ever since that argument the two had in the practice room and they only saw each other around the company, probably exchanged a few words when they were in the SMTOWN concerts, nothing that was out of the professional. She knew that Baekhyun had not gone through easy times with his group, much less in his personal life from what rumors said and in all honesty, she feels like they are in the same mindset at that moment, as much as she used to hate him in previous years, she thinks that they are both too prideful when they are around one another. Baekhyun shakes his leg slightly and then, he speaks up.

“I really liked your latest song.” Baekhyun tells her and it was unusual to hear him talking seriously, he was always very lively and hyper, but whenever he was around her he was like a fire that suddenly dulled. She nods her head, thanking him softly like how she had done when she met him personally and judged her singing style. Baekhyun looks around the room, lips puckered up as he ponders if he should ask her, but curiosity is eating him alive. “Also… I know we fought for this the last time I asked you something similar… but why are you so so sad?  Your song is in the top of the charts-”

She decides that Baekhyun is just trying to be nice and maybe he will use this information against her in the future, perhaps he will make fun of her…but as of now, he sounds genuine and she is not in the mood to fight. “My boyfriend broke up with me because of how busy I am and… you know…” She trails her voice and Baekhyun lets his lips form into an ‘o’ before shaking his head.

“Want some advice?” Baekhyun asks her and she looks at him weirdly, frowning slightly at him before he gave her a smile. “I learnt a few things when I went to hell so I could rot.”

That actually makes her laugh, a little bit throaty as she closes her eyes and leans back on the couch. “You remember that?” Baekhyun nods his head and she continues to laugh slightly. Sometimes she wonders why she is so good at insults, but they seem to come to her pretty easily. “Okay, give me some advice.”

“Put yourself first and know how to divide your time.  If you want to work hard, do that, if you want to work less and concentrate more on the people you love, you could also do that.” Baekhyun tells her with all the honesty in the world and then, he sighs. “Just take it easy.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I agree.” Baekhyun says and then he looks down to his thighs, playing with his fingers and speaking up once again. “It has also been pretty difficult for me recently, so it is sincere.”

“Thanks.” She tells him and then, she hears Eunae calling her name for a picture, that immediately makes her stand up from her spot and she turns back to look at Baekhyun, deciding to tease him instead of keeping the serious atmosphere that had grown in between the two. “I could give you an autographed mini album, if you’d like.”

“I still prefer Red Velvet, no thanks.” Baekhyun tells her with a smile and that makes her laugh as she walks towards where Eunae was, posing for the picture with a lighter heart.

Because… as much as she loved Kaito, being an idol was the most important thing as of now.

Seeing Junmyeon had been a sporadic thing ever since both of their groups launched in popularity. She barely meets up with her trainee friend ever since the last bits of 2016, but in the entirety of 2017 they hadn’t collapsed in any of their schedules, meaning that they did not see each other as much as they would like to. However, there was one day that stood out of the many days that she did not see her friend and that was his birthday. Junmyeon had decided to host a birthday party with his closest friends, family and a few of the people that he liked to party with in a salon, one that had been heavily decorated with neon lights and a lot of colors that made the navy blue walls stand out in the dark.

The air conditioner was bringing coldness to her uncovered legs and still, she does not get used to dresses. She wore them a lot on their latest comeback, having more of a classy and sensual vibe to the movements in the choreography and the words in their sings, but they were heavily out of their comfort zone. There are hundreds of people gathered in the salon for only being the closest to him and she wondered, as she sat by his side with a cocktail in her hand, how Junmyeon managed to keep calm. At this rate, she sees more and more people drinking, dancing, eating and if it was her in his position, she would be freaking out about how much everyone was eating. That is why Junmyeon is a leader, he can always take control of the situation and well…she really couldn’t.

Snow and the Sun are enemies, she had learned. The two couldn’t be around at the same time because they would technically destroy each other, and somehow it reminds her of the relationships she withholds with the man that suddenly appears in front of Junmyeon, two big bags of gifts in each of his long hands. Baekhyun was never her cup of tea, no matter how much she tried to like the man (which she really didn’t even try on the first place), he was just always so talented in every way and looked upon by people, while she was just the mysterious person that people wanted to get to know to finally warm down her cold exterior. Maybe, that is what Baekhyun had done that made her so mad…try to warm her up, asking questions that he shouldn’t have asked, saying things that should have never left his mouth.

Perhaps, the Snow is too complicated and the Sun is just trying to do its job.

“Happy birthday!” Baekhyun cheered loudly and clear, hugging Junmyeon and the man returns the hug happily. It seems like a scene that fans would love, but it is real. Baekhyun gives him the gifts he had brought him and only when he pulls away, she realizes just how strikingly good he was looking. Black hair that tossed to several directions in a messy manner, hips that were hugged by black pants and a black, baggy button up with some dots that gave quite a delicate touch to the entire outfit.

“Thanks, Baek.” Junmyeon’s smile is bright and big, always ready to serve people and just as flustered as anyone would be with such big gifts. Sometimes she forgets he is wealthy, and very much so. “There are, like, a few drinks around…you could go to the bar over there.  Settle yourself!”

It’s stupid how she wants him to look at her. It is the mechanism that the two had, he gave her attention and she pushed him away from some idiotic response that he gave to her sharp words. His eyes don’t even settle on her and a part of her brain thinks that this is how truce feels like. Baekhyun knows she exists and vice versa, but their roads would never bump again. Then, she feels fingers resting on her leg with a soft smack and when she looks to her side, she sees Junmyeon smile. “He’s cute, right?”

Cute, he is. That is something that she had not dismissed in the years they had known each other. He was as cute as the first day she saw him when she entered the gates (of hell) of the company she worked for as of now. “Yeah, for sure.”

However, Junmyeon’s eyes are not quite on the man she had been looking at before. Instead, his brown orbs settle straight ahead to look at one of the males that was dancing with someone else. “Yeah.  Eunhyuk would be a great match for you…but those pants…just not for him.” All along, Junmyeon had been talking about Eunhyuk. Merely, she had a few conversations with the very famous idol in the past, they even did some collaboration for a commercial once…but other than that, their relationship had not gone further than the awkward conversations that often happened between co-workers. “Go talk to him!”

For better or for worse, she had been single for a few years ever since she broke up with Kaito and while the man was happily getting married in a few months with a kid on the way, she was still a bit stuck in the dating game. She has no time. A loud scoff left her lips and she leaned back on the comfortable leather seat before bringing her cocktail up to her lips, taking a sip and then speaking. “I thought you were talking about Baekhyun.”

Junmyeon frowns deeply. “But you hate Baekhyun.”

“Yeah,” She shrugs because it wasn’t technically a lie. She once hated Baekhyun with such a passion that she would do anything in her willpower just to compete against the man, but now she has recognized that Baekhyun is just not used to people like her. “But still, he’s cute.” Once she looks over her shoulder, she swore she saw a smirk appearing on Junmyeon’s face, one that indicated the beginning of hours of teasing. “It’s recognizing someone’s beauty! Eunhyuk is also beautiful, so are you, so is everyone in this fucking company because we’re all supposed to look our best at all times.  I-”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Your eyes told me everything and no, I am not into Baekhyun.”

“Then go dance with Eunhyuk.”

“I’m shy-” Those words slip from her lips as she stands up, already feeling the embarrassment from being discovered saying that Byun Baekhyun was cute. Not only that, Junmyeon was also his friend and spent much more time with him than he did with her. “You know what?  I am going to look for another drink and if I give it to Eunhyuk and he accepts it, you owe me dinner.”

“Bet on it.”

The poor excuse she gave to get away from Junmyeon’s prying questions suddenly became a bet, and no matter how comfortable she was economically to buy herself whatever she wanted, free dinner was still free and that was enough of a push to bring her to the bar corner of the salon. There were cabinets showing a variety of bottles behind the bartender, some older than others, modern and vintage looking and strangely enough, there was some substance over the counter that separated the bartender from the guests that made it shine. There were miniscule particles of glitter that shined bright in neon lights, making her fingers reach for the counter out of pure curiosity. She stands there for a while, inspecting her surroundings with innocent eyes until she hears the sound of someone dragging a seat.

“Sit down.  It makes me anxious to sit you standing there.” The voice is quick and there is a glint of melodious tone behind this person’s words. Once she looks up, she finds Baekhyun’s eyes staring at her with a bit of frown painted across his eyebrows. One of her legs lifts to sit down on the high stool, plopping down on it softly and her curiousness gets to best of her, making her look over her shoulder to see what Baekhyun was doing. It was a surprise to find his eyes dragging across her legs slowly, taking in piece by piece as he bit the inside his his bottom lip. There was something so intoxicating about his gaze when he was checking her out and it had been far too long since she felt affected by someone looking at her like that.

For once, she wonders what Baekhyun thought of her. Did he hate her as much as she hated him all along? Was Baekhyun just utterly attracted to her no matter how much they fought? No matter how much she tries to battle the smile that creeps on her face, she can’t stop it and while resting her head on her palm, she speaks up. “What do you recommend me?”

“Huh?” Baekhyun stares up at her, voice slightly high and eyes widened when he realizes that she had been looking at him the entire time. The man with the dark hair squints his eyes, probably trying to figure out what she had said before.

“I love drinking but I always go for soju, so do you have any recommendations?” He blinks for a few seconds before turning to the bartender. Basically, he asks for a drink with a foreign name that she had never heard before, making her raise an eyebrow once he returns his attention to her. “Do you even know what that is?”

“I don’t know what it means.  But I tried it once and it was delicious, so might as well give it to you.” Baekhyun explains and then, he brings his bottle of beer up to his lips, taking a long swing before he feels her fingers settling on the edge of his button down. Perhaps, she had completely forgotten of the bet she had made with Junmyeon but this was far more interesting. Baekhyun was a handsome man and his eyes looking at her with such fiery passion had made her want to play with him a bit. Her fingers glide across the fabric, barely touching him over his chest but leaving a trail of tickling sensations that could be mistaken as friendly by anyone else, but Baekhyun is utterly confused. “This shirt looks so good on you.”

“Thanks.  I know it does.” Baekhyun tells her with a joking mannerism behind his words, as if he was trying to get her to whine about him being too egocentric, but instead he sees the smile on her face when the drink he had ordered for her was settled in front of her and she takes it in between her fingers. She had pulled away from him completely and Baekhyun swears that he still felt her fingers across his skin. “Try it!” Now his voice is more lively and she takes a sip of the drink, careful and with her lips barely open, humming delightfully when she tastes the citrus and the sugar that covered most of the drink.

Then, a conversation surfaces between the two about drinks, life, comebacks and possible hiatus. Her group was potentially going to go on hiatus soon as Eunae was working on her solo album and the rapper was left to start her career as an actress. Baekhyun also seemed to have quite a bit of knowledge in acting and contrary to how he had acted in the past, he chose his words better now, giving her genuine advice that had no air of arrogance behind it. That’s the moment she thinks that maybe they had grown up and the idea of two different people suddenly became a daily reminder. It wasn’t so shocking to find someone that didn’t think the same way as she did, and now that she is older and getting to know Baekhyun, she thinks that there is some interesting traits in the man.

Still wanting to get that dinner from Junmyeon, she stands up with another glass of the same drink in her hand, obviously filled to the top. Baekhyun’s eyes followed her as she got off the stool and once she turned around, she gave him an innocent smile. “Oh, you have a bit of sugar here-” After following his beer with a cocktail, Baekhyun had gotten the coated sugar at the edge of the glass in the corner of his lip. Her finger moved across his bottom lip, catching the slightest bit of sugar but lingering there for a bit as she saw his hooded eyes and the way he opened his lips the slightest. There was some kind of gasp or intake of breath from Baekhyun’s side and she pulled her hand away, dusting it off on his shirt before looking up and down at him. “I’ll see you around, then.”

“Y-Yes!”

Would anyone be surprised that the two idols ended up sharing a hotel room with the excuse of a one night stand? Absolutely, it was a secret in between the two, like every single relationship in the idol world but there was something different. Piling years of hidden attraction and fights had concluded with the fact that she is not him and he is not her, but there was nothing wrong with that…if anything, that was what made him so interesting now. Byun Baekhyun might be her headache, but he was a worthy one.

#baekhyun scenarios #baekhyun #exo scenarios #exo #kpop scenarios #baekhyun angst #exo angst #baekhyun fluff #trainee!reader #idol!reader #exo fluff

[homeiswherethestuckis]

Cavern Song

 I wrote this based off a super awesome prompt from @notedchampagne!  It’s a davekat music camp au that I got a little carried away with, to be honest (lol).  I had lots of fun writing this, and I hope you all like reading it!

(note: this is actually super long for a short fic, so take warning)

For someone as vocal as you are, you tend to keep quiet when it comes to anything personal.  You can’t spill your guts to just anybody, no matter how much you may like to do so.  Back on Alternia, that kind of thing could’ve landed you in some deep shit.

But you’re not on Alternia anymore.  

You haven’t been for months.  

That’s still something you’re getting used to.  It’s difficult, but you’re trying.

It doesn’t really help that you don’t know anyone on this entire planet aside from your hivemates.  You technically didn’t know anyone back on Alternia, either, since you never left your hive if you could help it.  But you did meet people online, through trollian.  People you considered friends.

You haven’t even had that measly amount of social interaction since you got here.  The moment you left, your trollian account was disabled and you were informed that you were not to talk to anyone you knew from before.  A precautionary measure in case you let something slip about your less than legal relocation.  

You get it, you really do.  Just because you understand doesn’t mean you like it, though.  

You get...really fucking lonely sometimes.

It’s not something you’ve ever mentioned, but you think your hivemates must have noticed.  You can’t think of a better explanation for why they would cut your adjustment time short abandon you at some shitty camp for a week or so.

Music camp, no less.

You know fuck all about music and have never given any indication of knowing any shit about the subject.  Sure, you have the lyrics to a lot of songs memorized, and you can kind of read notes, but that’s it.  That’s the single turd nugget of knowledge you have.  Definitely not enough to justify sending you to a camp fucking dedicated to the entire damn subject.  

But no matter how much you pointed this fact out between bitch fits, going to music camp wasn’t your decision to make.  You were packed into the scuttle buggy and driven to camp despite your protests against it.

“You’ll have a good time there.”  You were told.  “It’ll be good for you to be out of the hive for awhile.  Meet people your own age before school starts.  Socialize.  Make friends.  It’ll be good for you, I promise.”

You reply without looking at him.  You stare out the window and watch buildings rush by.“I still think this idea is shit.”  

“Yes,” he replies, “you’ve made that much clear.”

“And yet here we are.”

The drive is short.  You arrive sooner than you expected.  You know you’re supposed to get out of the vehicle now, but you just sit there and stare out at the unfamiliar landscape.  It just looks so alien to you.  The thought of being left completely alone in such a strange environment is enough to put you on edge.  

How much begging would it take to convince him to go back?

“Karkat,” you shift around in your seat to face him, “here.”

He presses something smooth and metallic into your hand.  It’s warm from his pocket, but not as warm as you notice his hand is.  He keeps his hand on top of yours for what feels like an uncomfortably long time.  

After he finally pulls his hand away, you examine the thing he gave you.  “You got me a palmhusk?”

“The common term here is cell phone,” he corrects, “and yes, I did.  I was going to give it to you as a present for your first day of school, but I thought you might benefit from having it now.  The only numbers in the contacts are Kankri’s and my cell phone and the number for the house.  If you need anything, feel free to call.”

“Okay.”  You look through your contacts.  There are only the three numbers, just like he said.  You feel a little better about leaving now that you have a way to contact him.  You start to push your door open. “Thank you.”

“Wait, one more thing,” he stops you before you get out, “I just want you to know that if this...ends up being too much for you right now or if you get overwhelmed, then it’s okay for you to call me to pick you up.  It’s important that you get used to being around people, but it’s more important that you feel comfortable and safe.  You understand that you can call me no matter what, right?”

“Yeah.”  You nod.  You have no idea how to respond to this.  “If I need anything, I’ll call.”

“Promise?”  He asks skeptically.  

“Promise.”  You climb out of the car.  “I’ll...see you later.”

“Yes.”  He nods.  “Good bye.  Have fun, try to make friends.”

“I will.”  You close the car door.  He waves at you as he starts driving away, and you wave back even though you’re not even sure he can see you.

And just like that, you’re alone.

You turn around.  The building you’re supposedly having camp in isn’t the biggest you’ve ever seen, but given the situation it looms over you.  You start walking towards it with your head down.  

There’s no one on the side of the building you’re dropped off in front of, so you turn the corner to find people scattered all over the place in groups.  Most of them are talking loudly, others laughing, some standing close to each other and speaking in hushed tones.  You think they’re all waiting for something.  Maybe this is the only room open right now?  You’d ask, but at this point you’d feel like you’re interrupting something.

You shuffle your feet and look for an empty spot to stand around and wait until whatever the fuck’s supposed to happen next starts.  You find a free space of wall between two groups of people and settle there.  You shift your bag off of your shoulder and into your arms.  There’s nothing for you to do right now, so you look around at the people you’re supposed to be spending the next few days with.

They all look about your age, which was to be expected but is still a little jarring of an experience for you.  You’ve never seen this many people your age in one place before.  What’s more nerve wracking is that it seems like they’re all human.  Everywhere you look, there’s no horns, no grey skin, no visible fangs or claws to speak of.

It occurs to you that you might be the only troll here.  

You slide down the wall and sit on the floor.  You feel like you’re standing out like a bleeding thumb, so you try to make yourself small.  

“Do you mind if I sit with you?”

You look up and oh thank fuck.  Turns out you’re not the only troll here, after all.  

“Yeah, sure.”  You scoot over.  “Go ahead.”

“Thank you." She takes a seat beside you and adjusts her skirt beneath her.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around before, are you new?”

“Yeah.”  You nod. “I’m Karkat.”

“Kanaya.”  She holds her hand out to you.  You shake hands, her palm is soft and warm. “I wasn’t expecting to see any other trolls here.  Those I’ve met in the past didn’t have much interest in music.  Do you play any instruments?”

“Not really."  This is the first conversation with someone outside your hive.  So far it’s going a lot better than you thought it would.   “Do you?”

“I had piano lessons when I was younger, and recently I’ve taken the guitar.”

You have no idea what the fuck that means, and it shows.  

“That look on your face leads me to believe that you don’t know what I’m talking about.”  She says.  “You haven’t been on Earth very long, have you?”

“Fuck, is it that obvious?”  You groan, leaning heavily against the wall and holding your bag closer to yourself.  “I’ve only been here a couple months.”

“I see.”  Kanaya nods.  “I’ve lived here my whole life, so if there’s anything you need to know I could probably help. ”

“Thanks.”  How much dumb luck did it take for you to end up talking with such a nice person?  “I could tell you about Alternia, if you want?”

She probably already knows all about Alternia, but it’s not like you have anything else to offer.  Kanaya smiles, her whole face brightening.  You can see just how sharp her fangs are as they glint off the artificial lights.

“Please, tell me all about it.”

Maybe she doesn’t know as much about Alternia as you thought.

You end up talking on the floor with Kanaya for awhile.  You trade information about what life on your separate home planets is like.  You tell her as much as you can about Alternia and the culture there, and she describes her life on Earth, specifically in this town.  

The doors are finally opened, and everybody rushes inside.  You try to stay close to Kanaya since she’s the only one you know.  

“Do you know where the fuck we’re going?”  You mumble to her.

“Probably to the gym to drop off our bags, or at least that’s my first guess.”

“There’s a gym here?”

“Of course there’s a gym here.”  Kanaya replies, her tone suggesting that should be obvious.  She glances at you, and you see something akin to realization cross her face.  “Oh right, you might not be aware.  Do you know where we are right now?”

“Music camp?”

“Yes,”  she laughs, “technically you’re right.  The camp itself is run by volunteers from the high school’s music department.  They host the camp inside the school.  Actually, this would be a good opportunity for you to get used to the building’s layout before school starts.”

“Do you think I’ll have time to do that?”  The crowd comes to a near standstill.  Everyone’s forming themselves into something resembling a line.  Apparently the people in charge want you to enter the gym single file for some damn reason.

“If I remember correctly, the counselors aren’t particularly strict about kids wandering around unsupervised.” The line moves.  Kanaya is nearing the front.  “And the classes themselves only take up a few hours of the day, so you should have plenty of time to gain your bearings while camp is in session.”

There’s some guy with a clipboard and the tight lipped smile worn solely by teachers who are sick of students but are only a few more years from retirement.  “Name?”

“Kanaya Maryam.” She states evenly, spelling it for him so it’s easier to locate on his sheet.  He marks it down and lets her go.  You do the same as Kanaya and walk into the gym after her.

The gym...is fucking huge.  And bright.  Why the everloving bulgefuck would anyone need an area this huge and blindingly lit just for recreation?  Particularly in a place dedicated to education?

You glare up at the lights (okay, more like squint because as you said it’s bright as radioactive shit) and you honestly don’t give a fuck about the why of the lights anymore.  Right now all you want to do is punch them out.  Probably with a heavy ball.  Preferably with your fist.

You train your eyes on the ground because your eyes are starting to burn.  The lights will still be there for you to continue your feud later, for now you need to find someplace to dump your shit and then look for Kanaya again.  You came in right after her, and yet you still lost her to the crowd.

You find a big enough empty space to drop everything and start scanning the crowds for her.  She really shouldn’t be that hard to find, given the easily visible length of her horns.

Despite this, she finds you first.  “Karkat, over here!”

You stumble your way over at the sound of your name.  You have to push through groups of people to get to her.  She’s sitting on the floor with another girl, both of them are pulling things out of their bags and setting them on the ground beside them.

Kanaya introduces the other girl as Jade, a close friend of hers.  She smiles and offers her hand up to you.  You take it and introduce yourself.  Her grip is stronger than you expected, you hear a couple of your fingers crack.  She pulls you down so you’re sitting on the floor with them.

“Nice to meet you!”  She says.  She has glasses and something metal on her teeth that you want to ask about.  

“Jade’s been helping me with my guitar lessons.”  Kanaya says before you have the chance to say anything.

“I actually play bass, but I do know how to play the guitar unlike the person Kanaya originally tried to get to help her practice.” Jade gives Kanaya a knowing look, and Kanaya looks down and rummages around in her bag, her face flushed green.  “Do you play anything, Karkat?”

“No.”

“Oh.”  She tilts her head inquisitively, her dark hair tumbling over one shoulder. “Well what the fuck are you doing at music camp, then?”

“I don’t know.” You admit. “It’s not like I don’t know bulge about music, though.  I can recognize the melodies from all the songs in my favorite movies, I could probably play them on something pretty well.  I know all the words to the popular music on the radio.  All the grub songs.  I’m not a complete shit idiot on the subject.”  

You haven’t broken eye contact with Jade since you started talking.  The weight of her gaze is heavier than you expected.  You can tell she doesn’t believe you.  

“Okay, you know what?  Fuck, I’ll admit it, I’m a panless asshole.  I can’t tell my wastechute from one of your human music devices.  Congratulations, you exposed me!  I really am an idiot whose aural cavities are stuffed full of shit.  I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m here!  Thanks for making that obvious, Jade, nice work!  I am literally shitting my self with gratitude, wallowing in a steaming stink pile of my own appreciation towards you, and soon there will be so much of it we’ll all just fucking drown in it.  I hope you’re happy about this, Jade, because-”

“Holy shit, can you stop talking?”  Jade interrupts you midsentence.  She looks pissed, and you can feel the aggravation coming off her in waves.  You keep your mouth shut because if you’re being honest with yourself, she looks scary as fuck and you don’t want to know what’s going to happen if you make it worse.  “I’m not sure what happened, because I definitely didn’t say anything to cause a weird tantrum like that, but why you’re here doesn’t matter!  I mean, yeah, you not knowing how to play an instrument or anything is weird, but camp is as good a place as any to start learning.  No one cares that you don’t know music.”  

Your shoulders sag a little, you hadn’t realized how tense you’d gotten when Jade started talking.  

“What does matter,” she continues, and you tense right back up again. “is that you said some pretty loud and nasty stuff just now, mainly directed at me even though I didn’t do anything, which is a total dick move on your part.  If you were just some random person I was talking to, I would have punched you and never talked to you again.  But since Kanaya said you were okay I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt.”

Jade inches closer on her knees and socks you hard in the arm. “You’re on thin ice.”

You take the warning to heart. “Fine.”  

Kanaya hasn’t said anything this whole time.  The only sound between the three of you now is just her continuing to empty her bag.  Just how much shit did she bring with her?

“Hey, Kanaya, what’s this?”  You pick up a small bottle filled with a suspiciously thick green liquid.  It kind of looks like blood.  You sincerely hope it’s not.

“Oh, that?”  She takes the bottle from your hand and sets it back on the floor.  “It’s just nail polish.”

“There’s colored nail polish?”

“Why would you bring that?”  Jade laughs.

Kanaya shrugs.  “I saw no reason not to bring it.  And to answer your question, Karkat, yes.  Most nail polishes here are.”

“That’s weird.”  What the fuck’s the point of coloring it?  As dumb as you think it is, you can’t stop staring at it.  There’s so many colors, one close to every blood color and then some.

Kanaya catches you staring.  “Did you want to paint yours, Karkat?”

You can‘t use any of those colors. “Do you have black?”

The three of you are sitting close together and painting each other’s nails.  You have no idea how this came about, but you now have one of Jade’s hands in yours and are trying your best to paint evenly onto her nails.  

“You’re not very good at this.”  She comments as you clumsily smear green onto her finger, nearly missing the nail entirely.

“Fuck you, this brush is small.”

“Karkat, you mentioned the cavern songs earlier, right?”  Kanaya inquires as she examines her still drying nails.  “Or did I hear you wrong?”

“Yeah, I think I said something about them.”  You accidentally put too much on Jade’s middle finger and try to smooth out the green with the tiny ass brush.  “Why?”

“I’ve never met anyone who remembers them, aside from vague snippets.  You’re saying you do?”

“Vividly.  Shit’s stuck in my pan all the damn time.  They’re all auricular dirt noodles.”

Jade wiggles her fingers, smudging some of the nail polish onto your hand.  “What are you talking about?”

“Cavern songs.”  Kanaya explains.  “The jadebloods sing them to grubs to comfort them and help them go to sleep.  Most trolls don’t need them past their first sweep because they have access to sopor by then, so they forget them.”

You had no idea people forgot the cavern songs, you’d never mentioned them to anyone before.  Then again, you guess you never really had the opportunity to forget them.  You never felt safe on Alternia, so you self soothed with songs from your wrigglerhood to get you through all the hard days and, more recently, the difficult nights.

Not that you’d ever share that information with anyone.

“So they’re lullabies?”  

“Yes.”  Kanaya nods.  “They’re lullabies.  Most of them have been forgotten here, though.  Something happened when we came here and the songs were lost.  Now we supplement the missing songs with earth lullabies, but it’s not the same.”

“I could write down what I remember, if you want.”  You offer as you concentrate on Jade’s pinkie.  “All the words, the melodies and shit.  I think I could get it all down if I tried.”

Kanaya considers your offer, chewing on her bottom lip with uncertainty. “Karkat, you’d have to transcribe the song using human musical notation, right?  I can’t read Alternian music very well.  Are you sure you want to deal with that?  Just having the lyrics back would be more than enough.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”  You shrug off her concern as you replace the cap on the nail polish.  “How hard can it be?”

As it turns out, very hard.  Very very fucking hard.  In your first class you learn what a piano is and see your first piece of sheet music.  

Once again, your confusion is written all over your face.  You’re taken aside and informed that the teachers were made aware of your circumstances (that you don’t know anything about music at all) and they tell you that you can ask for help from any of them if you need it.  You decline.

You have a class about the basics of music.  You’re completely lost, but you don’t bother to admit it because the few other people there seem to understand what’s going on and honestly, it’s not all that important to you to begin with.  There’s also choir, which is okay and more your speed.  Yeah, you can’t read any of the notes at all, but you can carry a tune and match pitch pretty well.

Afterwards someone gives you some simple sheet music to practice with.  You only know it’s simple because you were told it’s simple.  You have no fucking idea what it means.  You’re musically illiterate.  

You don’t mention that and instead thank them for the music.  The plan now is to practice at some point when the auditorium is empty.  That also turns out to be easier said than done, there are people in and out of the auditorium all god damn day.  Apparently it’s a high traffic area.  People take their practicing very seriously here.

Before you know it, the day is officially over and you’re herded into the gym with the rest of the kids.  You spend about a half hour talking with Kanaya and Jade before someone calls lights out.  So far, they’re the only people you’ve befriended, if you can really call what’s going on right now friendship.

Fuck, you hope it is.

You drag your feet over to your sleeping bag before the lights are shut off.  You’re not tired at all, but you’re used to that by now.  You’re just going to lay on the ground and stare at the ceiling until the lights are turned back on and you’re told you can get up again.  

An hour into laying around and doing nothing, it occurs to you that everyone is here in the gym.  That means, for the first time all day, the auditorium is finally free.  

Now is as good a time to practice as any.

You wait another half an hour to make sure everyone’s asleep before you sneak off.  You take your sheet music and a pen and step carefully over all the sleeping bodies surrounding you.  Somehow, you make it all the way to the door without incident.  

There’s even less incident when you exit the gym for the dark and empty hallway.  You walk slow and as quietly as possible, which isn’t hard given you’re walking around in your socks.  The auditorium is also unlocked, and some idiot left a couple of the lights on.  

There’s a piano up on the stage.  You set up your music and just stare at it.  There are so many notes on the sheet, most of them look like they’re repetitive, but you don’t know which of the keys they correspond to.  

You press down on one of the keys.  The note rings out and echoes in the cavernous room.  It’s so shockingly loud in contrast to the silence that you almost flinch.

Figuring out how to play this is going to take you all fucking night.

Good thing you don’t have anything better to do with your time.

It’s been hours and you don’t know this simple fucking song and you feel like such a fucking dumb asshole right now.  You’ve made zero headway since you got here.  You don’t know what this song is supposed to sound like, so you can’t even tell if you’re playing it right in the first place.  You don’t understand this system of notation at all and how it applies to this instrument.  You don’t know how this tune is supposed to go.  None of this makes sense.  All you have to show for your time wasted here is a burning hatred for pianos and a vessel in your pan that’s fit to burst.

You’re stupid and you don’t know shit.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”  You scream as you smash the keys with every ounce of energy you have left in you.  

You’re done.  You are so fucking done.  Let this horribly jarring cacophony be your swang song, because you are finished, you don’t give a shit.  Fuck this.  Fuck this song.  Fuck music.  Fuck pianos.  Fuck this planet.  Fuck your whole god damn life.  

You hate everything right now but most of all yourself.

You pound on the keys emphatically a couple more times before you finally give up and rest your head on them in defeat.  Your moan is the same tone as the notes your forehead makes contact with.  They fade out together in an unsatisfying and weak harmony.  

All is quiet again.  After all the noise you just made, it’s kind of stifling.  

There’s a soft crackling noise above you that you think originates from one of the speakers.  You think nothing of it.

A few seconds later, the crackling is replaced with a voice.

“Hey I don’t mean to be that guy, but you should probably be keeping loud noises like whatever the fuck that just was so we don’t get in trouble for being in here, you get me?”

You sit up and look around.  Has there been someone else here the entire time? “Who the fuck are you?”

“Who the fuck am I?  Like, right now?  As we speak?”  The voice responds.  “Because if we’re talkin’ big picture, grand scheme of things sort of deal, that’s a pretty heavy question that I’m not prepared to answer without delving into some deep philosophical bullshit that I don’t think either of us wants or has the time for.”

“Yes, asswit.  Who are you right in the fucking now?”  There’s only one place someone could hide from you and be able to communicate through the speakers...

“I don’t know, some guy in a booth?”

Just as you thought.  There, high above you and all the way across the auditorium, is the sound booth.  Inside is a vaguely humanoid shape, specific features too far away to make out.

“Okay, random fuckface in a booth,” you sit up and face the sound booth,  “you’ll be happy to hear that I’m done making noise for the night.  Possibly forever.  Please excuse me while I collapse face first on the floor and wait patiently for my self loathing to press so heavily against me I sink deep into the flaming bowels of this garbage planet.”

You stand up to do just that, only for the voice to interrupt you.  “I didn’t say you had to stop making noise altogether, dude.  All I said was that you have to quiet the fuck down or we’ll both get caught here and you won’t get to keep practicing whatever that shit is you were working so hard on.”

“Why the hell do you care if I keep practicing or not?”  You lay down on the floor on your back.  “Are you getting off to my discordant rage and frustration, you weird fuck?”

“I’ll admit, that last bit where you screamed and punched the piano for like five minutes was hilarious, but other than that it was mostly dull.  Impressive that you spent so much time trying to play this shit even though you clearly have no idea what the fuck you’re doing, but yeah mostly dull.”

“I’m glad you were having such a fucking good time at my expense, but I’m done now.  I give up.”

“Seriously?  After all those hours you spent pounding on the keys you’re just gonna quit?  That’s lame as fuck, dude, things were just getting interesting.”  The voice whines.

You lean on your elbow and glare up at the sound booth.  “Fuck you, I am lame.”

“And a whiney asshole baby, apparently.”  You can practically hear the eye roll.  “You’re really just going to give up as soon as things get a little hard?  You do realize that means you stayed up all night and got your boxers in a bunch halfway up your rectum for nothing, right?”

“As if I was going to sleep tonight, anyway.”  You scoff as you get up.  You think you’re gonna call it a night and go back to the gym.  “Good bye, you annoying disembodied piece of shit.  I’d say it was nice talking with you but I don’t care enough about your feelings to lie.”

“Wait, are you actually leaving?”

“Yeah?  What, me repeating it a million times over wasn’t enough to convince you?”  You pick up your sheet music and start to walk off the stage.

“What song were you playing?”

You stop.  “What?”

“What song?”  The voice prods.  “Maybe I could help you with it.  You’ve never heard it before, right?  And you’re obviously having trouble reading the sheet music.  I could find a recording of it or something on my phone and you could at least listen to the song so you know what it’s supposed to sound like.”

You’re suspicious of the guy in the sound booth.  What reason would he have to help you?  What does he gain?  Despite your suspicions, you don’t move from your spot.  “Why the fuck would you do that?”

“Fuck, can’t a bro just help another bro out?”  He asks.  “Seriously, as funny as it was to watch you just hit random keys in total utter confusion for a couple hours, I do think you deserve a hand.  You seem way out of your element here.”

You hate to admit that he has a point there.  “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”

“What?”

“Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  That’s the song.”  You repeat.  “Do you know it?”

“Yeah, of course I know it.  Everyone over one knows it.  Holy shit, are you saying you don’t?”

You bristle defensively.  “I’m leaving!”

“Sorry, wait!”  The guy pleads.  “Listen, I got the song loaded up on here ready to play whenever and I also got all the notes for it right here if you need those, too.  I’ll shut up and you can sit your ass back down at that piano and listen to the song, okay?  That cool?”

You take a hesitant step back towards the piano.  “And you’ll really shut up?”

“Yeah.  Unless you have a question or something.  Other than that, my lips will be locked tighter than Rockefeller’s oyster vault.”

“Okay fine, you convinced me,”  you sit back down at the piano, your arms crossed over your chest as you stare down at the keys, “play it.”

And he does.  And it’s so short and so fucking simple you can’t believe it.  You’ve been struggling with it for hours.  What the fuck.

“So?”  He asks once the song ends.  “Do you think that helped at all?”

“Yeah, I think so.”  You nod.  At least you know what it’s supposed to sound like now.  “I think I’ve heard some of those notes before.  Can you play it again?”

And the guy plays the song for you again, and again and again and so many times that you lose count while you hunt around for the right notes.  It takes you awhile, but after a little less than another hour you’re able to play a shaky and pause filled version of the song.

But you played it.  You played it and that’s what matters.

Fucking finally.

You’re so relieved to have this entire ordeal over with you can literally feel the stress lift off your shoulders.  You never would have gotten through this if it weren’t for that guy in the sound booth.  Maybe you should go up there and thank him.  Ask him if he wants to walk back to the gym with you.

Yeah.  Yeah, you should do that.

You stand and head towards the sound booth.  You throw open the door, but it’s empty.  Whoever it was left before you could get here.

Oh.

You’re...more disappointed than you expected to be.

Fuck.

You’re about to close the door and head back when something on the back of a chair catches your eye.  It’s a sticky note.  You peel it off the chair and have to hold it close to your face to read it.

good job dude five hours and one breakdown and you’re already piano master you’re a fast learner keep up the good work

On the bottom there’s a poorly drawn person smiling and giving a thumbs up.

You crumple the note up and shove it in your pocket.  “Asshole.”

“So you spent some time with this stranger last night and when you went to talk to him in person he was gone, but he left you a note.”  Kanaya reiterates after you tell her all about your late night auditorium venture.

“Yeah, here it is.”  You hand her the wadded up note.

You’re sitting in the cafeteria with Kanaya pretending to enjoy something that passes itself off as breakfast.  Jade found some of her other friends here during classes yesterday and elected to sit with them instead.  You can’t even see her in here, it’s so fucking crowded.  It’s also pretty loud, which is working in your favor because this isn’t  really something you want anyone to overhear.   “This is cute.”  Kanaya says.  “Do you think he’ll be there when you go to practice later tonight?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe?  Fuck, Kanaya, what if I never see-”

“-hear.”  

“-hear from him again?  I didn’t even fucking thank him, I was just an asshole the whole time.”  

“Isn’t you being an asshole just you being yourself?”  She raises an eyebrow.

“Thank you, Kanaya.”  You grumble as you poke at your breakfast with your fork.  “That’s exactly what I wanted to hear right now.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“So what have you been doing?” You ask. “What’s been going on with you, Kanaya?”

“Not too much, really.”  She shrugs.  “To be perfectly honest there’s a particular girl who’s caught my eye recently, but I haven’t made much headway with her.”

“Oh really?”  You lean forward, intrigued.  “What’s she like?  Tell me about her.”

Kanaya doesn’t require much prompting.  “She’s pretty,” she smiles, “and she’s mysterious and funny and smart.  She plays the violin and it sounds almost as beautiful as she is.”

“Wow,” her description of this girl is so sweet that you can’t help but smile as she speaks, “she sounds amazing, Kanaya.  You said you haven’t been making much headway with her?”

“I haven’t.” She sighs.  “I’ve been trying to ask her out for months now, but she hasn’t acknowledged a single one of my advances.”  

“Is she dense or are you just bad at flirting?”

“I don’t know, possibly both?  I have to admit flirtation isn’t my strong suit.  But I am determined to get my feelings across to her before camp is over.”

“Wait, she’s here?  At camp?”  You start looking around.  “Which one is she?”

“She’s over there.”  Kanaya points to a far away table.  “Try not to be too obvious.”

All you can see is the back of her head.  Across from her you can see Jade and some guy in sunglasses.  You’re trying to will the other girl to turn around, but all you get is the guy staring back and giving you a weird look.

You look back to Kanaya.  “I really hope that happens for you, Kanaya.  If you need any help with that, let me know.  I’m kind of an expert on these things.”

“Are you?”  She laughs.  “Well, thank you, Karkat, I doubt I will be seeking out your expertise, but I appreciate the offer.  If you need any help with your auditorium phantom, I’d be happy to help you with that, too.”

“Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll be taking you up on that, either.  I probably won’t hear from him again.”

You spend all day in your classes, and even though you don’t understand all that much you do understand more than you did the day before.  At lunch you ask Kanaya to help you figure out all the names of the notes you worked on yesterday.  

At the end of the day you write down the words to one of the cavern songs.  As you do this, it occurs to you that learning that song yesterday was the easy part.

Transcribing the cavern song from Alternian to human music notation when you don’t even know the original Alternian?

Hard as hell.

Well, at least this time you know what the fuck it’s supposed to sound like.

You wait until late in the night again to go back to the auditorium.  You’re going to need as much time on that piano as you can get.  

You walk into the auditorium with your lyrics and your pencil to write the notes down in the margins.  It’s quiet, and the lights are on again.  You wonder if the guy is in here.

You remind yourself that it doesn’t matter if he’s in here or not.  That’s not what you’re here for.  You have more important things to do.

You sit at the piano and hum the melody to yourself, maybe you can determine which you’re supposed to start with before playing it like this.  Your fingers are hovering over the keys.

You hum it again.  You think you know the first note.  

You press it and...yeah, it sounds right.  That’s the one.  You’re certain of it.

You’re pretty sure Kanaya said that one was F.  You write it down so you don’t forget it.

You go through the same process for the next note, and the note after that.  It’s a meticulous, slow, and boring process, but it’s okay.  Sometimes you can be patient, and this song happens to be one of your favorites.  It’d be a damn shame if no one else got to hear it.

You’re so lost in your slow work that you almost jump at the sound of the speaker crackling.

“What are you working on now?”  The sound booth guy asks through static.  “That shit doesn’t sound like Twinkle twinkle little star. ”

“It’s not.”  You don’t turn to address the sound booth and the person inside it.  Your eyes are trained on the keys in front of you.  You plunk one, but it doesn’t sound right.  “I don’t know what the title translates to.”

“Oh.  It’s a song from your home planet, then?”  

“Yeah.”  You play another note.  This one seems right.  You write it down.

“So I guess you won’t be needing any help then.”  He sounds a little...disappointed?  No, that can’t be right.  

“No, I won’t.”  Another note.  Wrong.  “You can stay, though.  Listen to some real music for a change instead of your simplistic earth dirt sound.”

“That’s some big talk for a guy that broke down crying because he couldn’t play a beginner’s kid song the other day.”  He replies tauntingly.

“I didn’t cry!”

“Yeah, but you were close.”  

“Fuck off!”

“Make me.”  

You snort but don’t reply.  The guy in the sound booth doesn’t say anything for awhile either.  The only sound is you, humming and plucking carefully at the piano.

“Did you get my note?”

“Yeah.”  You reply.  “You’re a shitty artist.”

“Wow, way to kick a guy straight in the sack.  I’ll have you know that was probably the best work I ever did.”

“Well that’s sad, because looking directly at it gave me a a stroke and made me lose function in one half of my pan for an hour.”

“Fuck, I was going for two hours.”

“I wouldn’t pursue art as a career if I were you.”  You continue, “Unless making people shit out their internal organs by the sheer force of their revulsion is what you were going for.”

“Bro, you just described the dream.  That’s literally all I want to do with my life.  I wanna hang in the Louvre and then swim around in their liquidy insides.   I’ll be such hot hot shit that everyone will have no choice but to melt into inferior shit while looking at it.  Like Medusa but sicker, yknow?  I’ll get some bomb ass dark glasses so I don’t go all Frankenstein and die at the hands of my own messed up but sweet as hell creation.  Then I’ll buy a boat and row around in all the shit flooding the halls, singing like one of those romantic Italian boatman.  It’ll be an offally good time.”

“I didn’t understand half of what you just said and I really don’t think I want to.”  You write down another note.  You feel like you’ve been at this for hours, but you only have the first line done.

This song’s a fuckton longer than Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

This is going to take you all night, at least.

Sound booth guy goes quiet again.  You keep humming and playing.

You get five more notes down before you hear him clear his throat.  “You speak English pretty well for a guy fresh off the space boat.”

What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?  “Of course I am?  I was taught Earth languages as soon as I was out of the breeding caverns.  All Alternians are.”

“Wait, so you’re saying you know every language?  Every fucking language?”  He says in disbelief.

“Every language of the nation’s we’ve established major trade with, yeah.”  You nod.  “Not just earth, other planets, too.”

“Holy shit, you’re busy being a lingual genius and I’m over here busting my ass off trying not to fail Spanish.”

“Thanks, but I just have normal language skills, by our standards.  The only reason I’m even decent at English is because it was popular to learn and I kind of liked the sound of it.”  Also most of your favorite movies are in English.  “Are you saying you’re not taught Alternian here?”

“I think they teach it in bigger schools, but not here.”

“Would you...” you can’t believe you’re about to suggest this, “want to learn?”

“What, Alternian?  Yeah, that’d be pretty cool.”

“I could teach it to you sometime.”  You offer.  “If you want.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”  You reply.  “The fact that I had to cram my pan full of your languages since I pupated and you’ve just been sitting on your ass in complete ignorance is fucking abysmal and want to fix that obvious mistake on this incompetent school system’s part.”

“Wow,” he laughs, “and here I thought you were just trying to do something nice for me.”

“Never make that mistake again, sound booth guy.”  

You get another note down.  Then another.

“Dave.”

You look over to the sound booth and tilt your head in confusion.  You can see someone.  A figure sitting in a chair, leaning close to whatever device he’s using to speak to you.  You can’t make out a face.

“That’s my name.”  He says.  “It’s Dave.”

“Oh.”  You turn back to the piano and play another note.  “I’m Karkat.”

You spend awhile longer on the piano, you have three fourths of the song figured out as best you can before you call it a night.  Dave hasn’t said anything more since he told you his name.  You’re not even sure if he’s still there.

He probably left without saying anything.  Just like he did the night before.

You’re probably alone right now.

You get up from the piano without saying anything.  Exit the stage.  Walk towards the door.

Dave’s voice booms through the quiet.  “Good night, dude.”

“Night, Dave.”

You grin ear to ear like an idiot all the way back to the gym.

Dave is there the next day, too.  You can see him in the booth.  Or at least, you think it’s him.  You have no idea who else would be in here at late as fuck o’clock.  

He doesn’t say anything when you come in, and you don’t say anything, either.  You just get to work.  You’re almost done with this one.  You’re going to start on another one tonight, though.  You think you should be able to finish it before camp is over in a few days.

The end of the song is easier to figure out than the rest.  It’s almost identical to the beginning.  

All you have to do now is make sure it all sounds right as a whole.  You haven’t played it as a whole song yet, only separate notes.  

You take a deep breath and hope to mother grub you did this right.  You don’t want to start over again.  

You hum as you play.  It takes you longer to get through the whole song on the piano than it does to sing, but it sounds good.  It sounds correct.

You play it again, just to make sure.

Holy shit, you did it.

“That’s a really nice song.”  Dave says.  “Is that the one you were working on yesterday?”

“Yeah.”  You nod.  You can‘t stop smiling, you‘ve never been so proud of yourself. “This is it.”

“Hey, you’re in the choir program, right?”

That question came out of fucking nowhere.  “Yes?”

“I was wondering...” he says slowly, uncertain, “I heard you humming along to it earlier.  Would you mind singing it?  The song?  I’ve never heard a song from another planet before.  If you want you could consider it my first lesson in Alternian.”

“Well fuck, Dave, how do you expect me to say no if you beg like that?”  You roll your eyes.  “Sure, you pathetic barkbeast in human skin, I’ll sing it for you.”

“I just got the image of a dog wearing a person suit like a reverse furry in my head and I think it’s going to be burned into my eyes forever now so thanks for that.”

“I didn’t understand some of those words, but from your tone of voice I bet it’s terrible.  You’re welcome.”  You reply.  “Now shut up so I can sing.”

Dave shuts up, and you take a minute to prepare yourself.  You’ve never really sang in front of another person before, never by yourself.  You squeeze your eyes shut and pretend Dave’s not there.  That you’re going to sing this song to yourself like you have a million times before.

You play the first note, and you sing.  Your voice is soft, sometimes it trembles, but it’s audible and for the most part, confident.  As you sing you can feel yourself relax.  Any stress you had is pushed to the back of your pan.  Pain, physical, emotional,is numbed.  Your fears are small now, insignificant.

You didn’t know you were feeling bad, but you feel better.

The last note wavers, and finally the song ends.

You rub your eyes with your hand and look expectantly over to the sound booth.

“Well?”  Your speaking voice is so much louder than when you’re singing, it’s almost jarring.  “What did you think.”

“I liked it.”  His words are almost completely swallowed up in a yawn.  “I’m sorry, I liked it, I swear, I’m just really fucking tired for some reason.”

“That’s what it’s supposed to do, but I didn’t expect it to have such a big impact on human wrigglers.”

“I have a feeling that was an insult, but I’m too tired to care.”  Dave yawns again.

“Do you want me to take you back to the gym to sleep, Dave?”  You ask.  You might go to bed, too.  You feel like you might actually be able to sleep tonight.

“No, I’m gonna sleep here.”  He says.  “I usually sleep here.  Fuck ton of people in the gym.  Shit’s uncomfy.”

You nod.  “Yeah, I get it.  I’ll leave so you can sleep.”

“Thanks.”

You get up and start walking towards the door.  You’re halfway out before he calls back out to you.

“Karkat?”  You can practically hear his grip on consciousness slipping.

“Yeah?”  

“Your voice is really pretty.”

You laugh.  “Good night, you sleepy dunderfuck.”

And with that, you leave.  It’s obvious to you as you drag your feet back to the gym that you’re going to have to come back tomorrow.  

Because you didn’t accomplish what you wanted to do tonight.

Not because Dave’s there.  Obviously.

Obviously.

“Sorry I fell asleep last night.”  Dave says the moment you walk into the auditorium.  

You look over to the sound booth and shake your head.  “It’s fine.  It was a...lullaby, I think was the human word for it.  It was supposed to do that.”

“Fuck, really?  That was an alien version of a lullaby?  What do you guys call it?”

“A cavern song.”  You set your stuff up on the piano and take your seat.  

“Hey, before you go and start whatever the fuck you’re doing, I noticed you were playing kinda weird yesterday.”

“Of course I’m playing weird, ass face, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing!”  You snap, slamming some of the keys with your whole hand as emphasis.

“See, that’s the thing!  Right the fuck there!  Or at least part of the thing.”

“Dave, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You slam the keys too hard, dude.  You’re supposed to, like, press on them softly.  They don’t call it tickling the ivories for nothing, Karkat.”

“What the fuck, who calls it that?”

“A lot of people.  Now come on, try it.”  He persuades.  “Be gentle.”

You roll your eyes but do it anyway.  The note is softer and less harsh than when you played it before, but it’s still the same sound.  

“Yeah, that’s how it’s usually played like.”  Dave says.  “Now here’s the other thing; bro, you’re only playing with one finger.”

“Am I...not supposed to do that?”

“Nah.  You’re supposed to use all five of them.”

“All five?  At once?”  That sounds so fucking fake.  “Like this?”

You press down with all of your fingers at once.  The sound produced is awful.  There’s no way that’s right.

“No, not like that.  You know where C is, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Put your thumb on that one.”

You do it.  “Okay, then what?”

“Second one goes on D, middle on E, and you’re not a total moron so I’m guessing you get the pattern by now.”

“Oh.  Yeah, I do.  Fuck, I’m an idiot.”  You sigh.  This would have been obvious if your pan wasn’t clogged with shit.

“Dude, shut the hell up, you’re not an idiot.  You’re an alien.  I actually think you’re doing pretty good considering you’re doing this from scratch.”

“Thanks.”  You don’t believe him, but the lie is nice.  “So I’m supposed to play it like this?”

“Yeah, like that.”

“That seems weird as shit.”

“Don’t bitch to me about it, I’m not the one who invented it.  Maybe play something like that so you get a better feel for it or something.”  Dave suggests.

“That’s not a horrible idea.”

“Just one of those things you gotta know about me, Karkat.  When you’re someone as full of ideas as I am, sometimes you find a nugget of gold among the turds.”

“That’s disgusting, never open your mouth again.”

He scoffs.  “Like you’re one to talk.”

You start going through Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  “Shut up.”

“And deprive you of my sweet, sweet voice to keep you company throughout the night?  I would never.”

You finish that one smoothly and play the cavern song.  It goes just as well as the first song.  Holding your hand like this on the piano is a little uncomfortable, but you think you’ll get used to it soon and it does seem to have good results so far.

“Do you have another thing you’re working on tonight, Karkat?”  Dave asks.

“I have another cavern song I was hoping to get done tonight.”  You admit.  “It’s a lot shorter than the last one so I don’t think it should take me as long.”

You start humming and determining notes.  

“Do you know a lot of cavern songs?”

“More than the average troll, yeah.”  You have to move your hand a bit more for this one than you did for the other two songs.  This is the first time you’ve used a note below C.

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know.”  You find another note.  “I never thought about it before.”

You don’t want to know.

Dave goes quiet and lets you keep working.  Before you know it, you’ve finished the song.

“Hey, Dave?”  Your fingers are poised to play as you turn to the sound booth.  “I’m about to play this song, do you want me to sing?  So you can hear the words?”

Dave doesn’t respond immediately.  The air feels dead for two whole minutes.

“Yeah.”  He finally says.  All the tension leaves your shoulders.  “That would be good.”

So you do it.  You play the piano, and you sing.  It’s not your favorite cavern song, but right now it feels perfect.  The piano and your voice are both soft, and the words are sweet and comforting.  You know Dave doesn’t understand them, but you hope he does understand the feeling in the melody.

The song ends.  You have nothing to say.  You look over to the sound booth and wait for Dave to say something instead.

“That was...” he sounds like he’s struggling for the right words, “a great song.  I think I got what you were trying to convey, but I still wish I understood the words.”

“Yeah.”  You agree.  “It’s a really good song.”

A soothing one.  Good for calming down after a bad dream in the middle of the day.

“Hey, I know this might sound weird as all hell and you can feel free to say no,”  Dave says suddenly, “but would you play it again and could I...record you singing it?”

“You want to record me singing?”  

“Yeah.  Listen, if you’re worried about being on camera or something it’s only audio, the only thing getting recorded is your voice.  Of course if you’re uncomfortable having that recorded, too, especially by someone you barely know, then that’s fine, too.  You don’t have to, I just thought I’d ask because this is a nice song and I think I would like to listen to it again sometime.”

And he thinks your voice is pretty.  Can’t forget that.  

You take a minute to consider it.

“I don’t have a problem with you recording me while I sing.  That’s alright.”  

“Yeah?”

You nod. “Yeah.”  

“Okay,” You hear Dave fumble around with something, “ready when you are.”

You play the song again.  There’s heat rising in your face as you do so because of the recording.  You can’t believe he’d want to listen to it, to you, again.

Does he actually like your voice?

Does he actually like you?

Fuck, you don’t know.

The song ends again.  Dave thanks you for letting him record it.  You tell him it’s no problem, and then you get up and say good night.  Dave says it back.

You still don’t know if Dave likes you or not.

As you’re walking down the hall, it occurs to you that there’s only one more full day of camp left.

You have to make that last night count.

You don’t bring anything with you when you go into the auditorium this time.  You also don’t go to the stage, either.  

You walk straight into the sound booth.  

There’s some guy sitting cross legged and hunched over in a chair facing the stage.  He’s wearing a ratty t-shirt and pajama pants that look a little too big.  He’s stiff.  Pushed up into his pale and frizzy hair is a pair of sunglasses.  There are dark bags under his eyes.  He looks completely shocked to see you.

“Karkat.”  He sounds as surprised as he looks to see you here.  

You smile.  “Dave.”

It’s nice to finally put a face to a voice.

“What the fuck are you doing in here?”  He asks.  It sounds a bit harsh, but you think he’s genuinely confused on why you’re in the booth and not out on the piano.

Shit, you hope that’s what’s going on.

“It’s the last night of camp.”  You shrug.  “I wanted to hang out with you at least once before it’s over.”

“Oh.”  Was that not the answer he expected?  “Okay.  Cool.  Yeah, obviously, why else would you be in here, duh.”

He unfolds his legs and stands up.  Dave’s taller than you thought he was at first glance.  He fumbles around with his sunglasses and slides them back down over his eyes.

“Hey,” he clears his throat, “I’m Dave.”

“I know that, Dave.”

“And I know you know that.”  He sighs and hangs his head, a hand runs absently through his hair.  “It’s been awhile since I’ve had to talk face to face with people I don’t really know.”

“I don’t like talking to people I don’t know, either.”  You admit.  “It’s not like that matters, though.  This entire fucking planet is populated by strangers.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.  That sounds bleak.”

“That’s just how it is.  I’m just glad I’m not the only one who thinks it sucks.”

“Yeah.”  He smiles.  It’s a slight smile, but it’s definitely there.  “So, uh...do you want the grand tour?”

You raise an eyebrow. “Of your crawlspace?”

“Hey, fuck you!  This is a nine and a half by nine and a half foot room.  See, I can’t even touch both of the walls!”  He waves his arms.  “See?  Space!  Look at all this mother fucking space!”

“Okay, I see your point.  It’s not a crawlspace.”  You laugh.  “But really, what are you gonna do?  Introduce me to all the dust motes you just stirred up?”

“No, listen, listen to me, Karkat, I’m in the drama club.  I am the resident sound guy.  This shit right here?  This is my domain, and damn do I have some wild stories to tell about casa audio.”

“Alright, fine.  You talk a good game, Dave.  I’ll take your tour.”

Dave wasn’t kidding.  He did have some wild stories to tell.

“...and over here you’ll see the board that John spilled my special ordered apple pie flavored soda all over and short circuited to the point where we had to call some of the tech kids and bribe them not to tell anybody what happened because food and drinks aren’t allowed in here.”

“I understand all of those words separately, but the way you strung them together was utter nonsense, Dave.”

He claps you on the shoulder.  “That’s what it was, dude.  Utter nonsense.”

“...If you look up you will see right above you an inexplicable stain that looks a little too much like a human hand if you squint and have an active imagination.  Come on, try it, look up at it and squint and then tell me that shit’s not a human hand.”

“It...does kind of look like a hand.  What the fuck is it?”

“A hand, we both just said that.”

“No, I mean what kind of fucking stain is that?”

“An inexplicable one.”  He replies. “It can not be explained.”

“Oh.”  You keep staring up at the stain.  “Shit, I think it just gave me the finger.”

“...this thing, this thing right here, Karkat, do you know what it is?”  

“A button?”  

“Not just any button.”  Dave replies mysteriously.  “The Red Button.”

“What the fuck does the fact that it’s red matter?”  You ask.

“Because there’s only the one red button, and nobody knows what it does.”

“Wait, what?  You don’t know what it does?  Why not?  Didn’t this thing come with instructions or some shit?”

“It did.”  He nods.  “But the Red Button’s not on them.  It’s a rogue button.  So, since nobody knows what it does, nobody pressed it.  Now we just have theories to discuss what the button’s original function was.  My sister’s theory is that if we press it it’ll self destruct.  Personally, I think it’s a fake button some little shit added just to fuck around with us.”

“Why don’t you just press it and find out?”

“That would ruin the mystery, Karkat.”  Dave shakes his head slowly.  “Besides, what if it does self destruct?  I don’t want to be responsible for that.”

“Good call.”

“And last but not least,”  Dave goes to a corner of the room and drags out a sleeping bag, “ta-dah.  I already told you the other day that I sleep in here, right?”

“Yeah.  Too many people in the gym, you said.”  The sleeping bag looks like it’s meant for a single occupant.  “Are you expecting us to share that?”

“What?  No.  This thing’s small as shit, we’d literally be on top of each other.  I’m not comfortable with getting all up and snug with somebody until the third date, at least.”  

You know he’s kidding, but the word date catches you off guard and you don’t know how to respond to it.  While you’re trying to figure out what to say, Dave rolls the sleeping bag up and puts it back on the floor.  He lays down, using the rolled up sleeping bag as a pillow.  

“Come on, Karkat.  Get over here and pop a squat.”  He pats the space next to him.  “There’s enough room here for you.”

“Alright.”  You lay down next to him.  “What are we supposed to do now?”

“I don’t know.”  Dave shrugs.  “We could talk some more?  I could find a movie or some shit on my phone and we could watch that or something?”

“Yeah.”  You nod.  “I like both those ideas.”

Dave pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts scrolling through it.  You inch closer to see what he’s looking at, but he’s scrolling so fast you can’t read the titles.

He finally settles on something. You think it’s a sitcom.  It’s not like it matters what it is, though, you have a feeling you won’t be paying much attention.

Dave’s really close.  You can feel how warm he is next to you.

He presses play and holds the phone up in the air so you can both see it.  You lean in closer to him so you can see it better, but you’re not really watching.

“Hey, Dave?”  You ask after awhile.  You think you’re halfway through the episode.

“Yeah?”

“Where’d you go?  You said you sleep in here, but you weren’t in here that first night.”

“My sister texted me and asked where I went.”  He explains.  “I came in here without telling anyone, so I guess my disappearing act worried her.”

“What about you?  Do you have any siblings or anything?”

“I didn’t back on Alternia.  But now that I’m here, I have an annoying asshole of a brother who never stops spewing verbal diarrhea from the talking anus he calls a mouth.”

“Wow,”  Dave laughs, “you say the grossest things, you know that?”

“Yeah, like everything you’ve said has been completely clean and child appropriate.”  You roll your eyes.

“You got me there.”  He acknowledges.  “You and me, Karkat?  We’re cut from the same foul mouthed shit rag.”

“Fuck, I feel bad for whoever has to deal with us.”

Yeah.”  

You both lapse into silence again.  You have no idea what’s going on in the show.

Dave clears his throat.  “Hey, uh...thanks for letting me record you earlier.”

“No problem.”

“No, I mean it.   I’ve never heard interplanetary music before, and your voice is...really nice.  The combination was fucking fantastic and I appreciate that you letting me record it.”

“Really, it’s fine.”  You’re trying and failing not to blush.  

“Would you be willing to let me record you singing again sometime?  It doesn’t have to be one of your cavern songs if you don’t want to.  Is that weird?”  He’s talking fast, scrambling for words.  “Sorry, I’m not trying be a creep or anything, you just have a really nice voice.  It’s...soothing?  You can sing whatever you want, I just want to sample it, maybe use it in my own work in the future?  If you’re okay with that?  Fuck, this is weird.  This is a weird question.  I’m sorry, just ignore all of that, it was stupid and-”

“Okay.”

Your interruption surprises him so much that for a moment he’s left fumbling for a response.  “What?”

“Okay.”  You repeat yourself, more confidently this time.  “I’ll do it.  I’ll sing for you, if that’s something you’d really want to hear.”

“Yeah.  Yes, thank you.”  He smiles. “I’d love that.”

The episode ended a couple minutes ago.  Dave puts on another one without really looking at it.  

“Hey, would you mind holding this?  My arm’s getting tired.”

“Yeah, sure.  No problem.”  You take the phone from him and hold it up so you can both see.  You also inch a little closer.  Your head’s almost on his shoulder.

So Dave can see it as well as you can, of course.  Not because he’s warm and his shirt is soft.  Definitely not because he smells nice.

Of course not.

It’s late.  You’re getting sleepy.  Your eyelids are so fucking heavy and itchy from lack of sleep.  

“Hey, Dave?”  You yawn.

“Did you want me to take the phone back?”  He asks.

“Yeah.”  You hand it back to him.  “That’s not what I was going to say, though.”

“Okay.  Then what were you going to say?”

“I was going to thank you.”

“Thank me?”  Dave mumbles, confused.  “For what?”

“For making camp interesting.”  You rub at your eyes with a hand.  “This is the best time I’ve had since I left home.  Thanks, Dave.”

“You’re welcome, Karkat.”  He replies.  “I’ve had a good time, too.”

You and Dave sleep together in the sound booth until his alarm goes off.  You both get up and shuffle out of the auditorium and back to the gym.  Dave is holding his sleeping bag close to his chest.  You’re still struggling to keep your eyes open.

People are already waking up when you get there.  You can see a few glances trained on you and Dave as you walk in.  You don’t like it.  

You find yourself unconsciously reaching out for Dave’s hand.

You’re interrupted by a girl with short messy hair, the same color as Dave’s.  “I need to talk with you.”

She takes his hand before you can.  

“Okay, sure.”  He turns to you.  “I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah.”  You nod.  “See you.”

The girl looks you up and down curiously before giving Dave a knowing look.  Dave stares down at his feet, his face is a shade darker than before, you think.

You wave at his back as she drags him away.  

You don’t know if you’re ever going to see him again.  You pray to fuck you do.

There’s not much time before camp is officially over.  You make sure you have all of your stuff packed up before you lay down on the floor and stare up at the ceiling.

Your view of the ceiling is eclipsed by Kanaya.  

“How was your late night rendezvous with Dave?”  She asks.

“Good.  How was your confession to Rose?”

“Good.”  

You sit up.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes.”  Kanaya sits down.

You both trade stories about how your night went.  Kanaya’s story is cute and romantic and exactly what you always wished would happen to you.  It’s heart meltingly sweet.  You’re so happy for her.

Your story feels childish and dull in comparison.  Kanaya still seems to enjoy it.

“Well, it sounds like we both had a good time.”  Kanaya grins.  “Maybe we both have more game than we thought.”

“Yeah,” you snort, “or we found the only people here whose game is worse than ours.”

“Both things are plausible.”  She shrugs.

“Did you want what I got done for the cavern songs, Kanaya?”  You ask, rummaging through your bag.  “I didn’t get them completely finished, they’re not set to sheet music at all, but I do have the words and what notes you’re supposed to use.”

You find the papers in your bag and hand them to her.  She examines them, mouthing the words and nodding.  

“These are beautiful lyrics.”  She says.  “I’d love to hear how they sound when actually played.  Since I know how to read and write music and you know how it’s supposed to sound, perhaps we should get together sometime and work on these.”

“Hell yes.”  You agree eagerly.  “That’d be great.”

“Do you want to exchange numbers?”  

You reply a little too excitedly at the suggestion.  “Yes!”

You trade numbers with Kanaya.  You officially have one friend’s number.

...you officially have a friend.

Fuck yes.

You talk with Kanaya a little longer, but eventually there are other people who want her attention.  Other friends.  She says good bye to you, promises to text you later, and runs off to join the others.

You get a text from your guardian.  He says he’ll be there soon and you should get outside so he can pick you up.  

You grab all of your stuff and head out.  

The morning sun is bright, so much so you have to squint.  It’s also surprisingly cold.

“Hey, Karkat!”  There’s Dave, waving you down by the street curb.  He’s got sunglasses on still, lucky bastard.

You join him.  “Hey.”

Down the street, you can see your guardian’s vehicle approaching.  You don’t want this to be your last interaction with Dave.  You’re not ready to go yet.

Dave follows your gaze and turns his head.  “Shit, is that your ride, dude?”

“Yeah.”  You sigh.  “It is.  I guess I have to get going, then.”

“Alright.  Well then,” he opens his arms up to you, “bring it in, I guess.”

“Oh, uh, okay.”  You put down your bag and hug him.

It’s an awkward embrace.  You hang on a little too tight and Dave keeps giving you weird pats on the back.   It’s obvious that neither of you have much practice doing this.

But...it’s nice.  You don’t want to let go.

Dave releases his grip on you, and regretfully, you have to let go, too.  He claps a hand onto your shoulder and gives you a final nod before walking away.

Fuck if that wasn’t the most disappointing good bye you’ve ever had.

You pick your bag up.  Something flutters off your shoulder and onto the ground.  It looks like a sticky note.

You pick it up and read it.

call me if you ever wanna turn that solo act into a duet ;)

At the bottom is a phone number.

You call it.

Dave’s voice is on the other end, it sounds small and tinny.  “Hello?”

“Dave, you’re such a fucking idiot.”  You can’t stop laughing.  “Hey.”

Dave turns around and waves at you, his face is bight red.  “I figured we can’t really hang out if we can’t even contact each other, you know?”  He shrugs.  There’s an easy smile spreading across his face.  “So, do you think we’ll see each other soon?”

“Yeah.”  You reply.  “Soon.”

You hang up and wave good bye to him one more time before heading off towards the car.  

“Hello, Karkat.”  Your guardian says as you climb into the vehicle.  “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah.”  Your phone vibrates in your pocket.  You have a text.  “I did.”

#dave strider #karkat vantas #davekat #really long post #music camp au #fic request #I don't know anything about music or camp so I'm sorry if this is really bad #tbh that's the only reason karkat doesn't know music #yo it's a fic and i wrote it #I might try to put this up on ao3 later just because I think that'll be a smoother read

[relaxedreptile]

Fourth Period - Part Three

Pairing: Baekhyun X Female Reader

Sexual Content: protected sex. Swearing. Teacher!AU.

A/N: This is the final part of Fourth Period.

God, I love how this turned out.

I appreciate any and all feedback pertaining to my writing, feel free to leave a message. It doesn’t even have to be about writing, I’m always up to talk.

I love you.

Part One Part Two Part Three

“We need to lock the door.”

Baekhyun was trying to unbutton his shirt, kiss you furiously, and unzip your jeans all at the same, so it was obvious how he forgot such a crucial detail.

“Do we have to?” Baekhyun knew there was no use asking such a question, you both needed that door locked to ensure your safety.

“Baekhyun,” you were supposed to sound reprimanding, but his name turned into a gasp once you felt teeth sink into the column of your throat.

You felt strong hands grip each one of your thighs, pulling you farther into Baekhyun’s own body that was between your legs.

The two of you groaned at the friction the contact allowed you, temporarily sending both minds and bodies into a moment of bliss.

“Hold on tight,” Baekhyun warned you before his body started to leave yours and stumble away from the piano he had placed you on top of.

Your legs had latched around his waist instinctually when he began to move away from you, they didn’t seem to want to let him go, but your arms followed suit and winded around his neck and shoulders once you realized he was going to carry you to God knows where. You didn’t care as long as he didn’t stop kissing you.

Your back was slammed into the practice room door rather roughly but your sound of discomfort was captured and silenced by Baekhyun’s apologetic kiss.

One of the hands on your thighs left your body, leaving a small section of your skin exposed to the cold, even through your jeans.

Your ears caught on to the click of the lock on the doorknob and the tension within your mind was instantly relieved. Hopefully, Baekhyun could also do something about the tension between your legs that was so close to the tension between his.

Even with the door securely locked into place, Baekhyun made no move to change location again.

“Are you going to fuck me against the door?” You asked Baekhyun between nibbles on his ear.

Baekhyun was silent for a moment as if he was considering this before quickly shaking his head and getting a better grip on your body again.

“No way. I won’t be able to pound you as hard as I plan on doing without someone hearing your hips banging into the wood.”

You felt a wave of pleasure wash over your body with his words and your teeth reacted accordingly, biting hard enough to force a gasp from Baekhyun’s lips and form a red splotch on the neck you were salving with your tongue.

“I thought we weren’t going to leave marks?” You scoffed at such a thing coming from Baekhyun’s mouth. “We made no such agreement,” you informed him, moving your teeth back onto his neck in search of an unmarked spot.

Baekhyun exhaled out of his nose with every nibble, obviously trying to control himself as he focused on removing everything that prevented skin-to-skin contact. His shirt had been shrugged off the second you were again seated comfortably on top of the piano and yours had joined his almost immediately.

“Have you done this before?”

You were a bit pissed that Baekhyun would interrupt the amazing kiss he had pulled you into, but you supposed that his question was worthy of being acknowledged.

“Twice,” you told him, raising yourself off the piano with the help of your arms to aid Baekhyun in pulling off your jeans. “I’ll make you forget whoever those fuckers were, easily. That’s a promise.”

Your giggle at his confidence got caught in your throat once you saw how badly Baekhyun wanted this.

He had dropped his jeans down to his knees, leaving only a pair of white briefs to cover his painfully hard cock. Baekhyun’s gaze followed where yours was leading to and smirked up at you, causing you to gulp once more.

“Want me to be gentle?” You knew he was teasing, so you decided to use his comment to your advantage. “No.”

Baekhyun’s smirk dropped from his face as his pupils were blown wide, his jaw clenched.

Soft hands got a rough grip on your now bare thighs, yanking you closer to Baekhyun and more specifically, his dick.

“Take them off.”

It didn’t take a genius to know he was referring to the soaked panties acting as the only barrier between Baekhyun’s eyes and your aching pussy.

You rocked on your hips to pull the fabric off of each leg, watching Baekhyun watching them slide down your legs, stopping to rest at your ankles.

“Legs up.”

You don’t know what it was about Baekhyun and his commanding tone, but your body instantly reacted to his words in a way that would obviously please him.

Your legs rose slowly, too slow, apparently, as Baekhyun’s hands wrapped around your thighs before pushing them into your stomach, giving him an uninterrupted view of your drenched core. You were sure it was quite the sight for him, seeing the mess that was explicitly caused by him and his actions.

Baekhyun’s eyes watched the trail of wetness that poured out of your center, dripping onto the piano as his hands pulled the offending piece of clothing off your ankles and placed it next to you, making sure a student didn’t find it after the two of your forgot about it hiding under a chair.

You waited in anticipation of what Baekhyun would do next, completely willing to take whatever he would grant you and your body.

You could feel your pussy clench around nothing, the sight of which made the man between your legs groan.

Baekhyun had apparently made up his mind, bending his neck and back slightly until he was close enough to lick a thick line covering the expanse of the puddle of liquid pooling from you, his tongue dipping into your center on the way and his lips planting a swift kiss on your clit.

You couldn’t suppress the groan that slipped between your lips, you didn’t even try, really, not seeing the point in hiding how delicious all parts of Baekhyun felt against all parts of you. You were finally getting what you had been craving for the past week and were not going to keep yourself from enjoying this.

One of your hands fisted itself in the chestnuts locks of your teacher, pushing him deeper into you, encouraging him to speed up and get to the main event. Baekhyun, on the other hand, seemed to want to take his time with you.

One of his fingers joined his tongue in the art of preparing you for what was to come next, thoughts of which made your heart race and mind wander.

The pumping of his hand left Baekhyun fascinated. Fascinated in the different sounds he could pull from you, fascinated in the different muscles that clenched underneath the skin of your thighs, fascinated in you, your body.

“Baekhyun, please,” you whimpered, begged.

His tongue was replaced by another one of his fingers, Baekhyun pulling away from the space between your thighs to smile at the desperate look in your eyes.

“Not so fast, baby, you’re not prepared yet.”

You groaned in annoyance before throwing your head back in pleasure as Baekhyun’s tongue returned to your pussy with a third finger behind it.

The gradual stretch felt fine and you appreciated the fact that he was being gentle with you, but Jesus Christ one week was a week too long and you needed more than just Baekhyun’s fingers inside of you.

“Baekhyun, I-” “Fine, you’re lucky I’m as impatient as you are right now.”

Baekhyun placed one more kiss on the inside of your thigh before standing up and leaning over your body to dig in his backpack that was sitting on the stool in front of the piano. His hand retrieved a condom from deep within the bag and showed it off with pride in being prepared.

“What exactly were you expecting to happen during these lessons?” You mocked his confidence. “I wasn’t expecting anything, hoping, though, hoping for something is a different story.” “Then what have you been hoping for?” “Probably the same thing you’ve been this past week,” Baekhyun observed.

Baekhyun returned between your legs, bringing the condom wrapper to your mouth.

“Me pushing into your tight pussy for the first time, bottoming out inside of you, pulling out just to slam right back inside you with twice as much force than before.”

Baekhyun yanked on the wrapper, still stuck between your teeth, and retrieved the condom from the now open packaging.

“I will admit, screwing you on top of the piano never crossed my mind.”

Baekhyun pulled you by the thighs to the edge of the piano, closer to his hard cock that was upright against his stomach and already leaking into the condom.

“I might have thought about it once or twice,” you admitted.

Baekhyun laughed at this new piece of information, looking straight into your eyes.

“Are you okay with going forward from here?”

You smiled at his question, glad that he respected you enough to ask for your explicit permission before taking the next step. Your lips met in a deep kiss before you returned the eye contact, nodding.

One strong arm wrapped around the entirety of your waist while another found an equally firm grip on the side of your thigh.

Both bodies were pushed flushed against each other as they were joined for the first time, a collective sigh of content coming from the inhabitants.

Eight of your nails were pushed deep into the smooth back of your teacher as his cock pummeled your walls, certainly leaving its mark on your body, in your mind.

“You’re so god damn wet, do I really have this effect on you?”

You nodded as best as you could with your head being buried into Baekhyun’s neck.

“The way you feel is going to be imprinted in my mind forever,” he confided, “there’s no way I’m going to forget this pussy.”

You cried out at his words, loving the sparks of electricity they sent down your spine and straight into your core.

Baekhyun’s hips never halted their assault on your thighs, each thrust bringing a new slap of his skin against yours. He was bound to leave bruises if he kept going this hard. You hoped he kept it up.

With another thrust, Baekhyun’s cock had struck a spot deep within you that sent your head flying backwards in pleasure and Baekhyun’s hand up to cover your mouth, muffling the scream you were just about to release.

Thrilled by this new knowledge of your body, your teacher continued thrusting directly into that spot, causing more and more (controlled) screams to tumble from your lips.

Teeth marks were printed onto Baekhyun’s shoulder to match the scratches down his back.

Sparks started to fly beneath your closed eyelids, an entire show of fireworks exploding within you as you came, shuddering in the arms that enclosed your body on top of the piano.

Not able to control himself with the way your walls were closing in on him, Baekhyun followed suit and settled for one last thrust that was easily the deepest he had managed this entire time and came into the condom.

The room that was supposed to be filled with cheap air freshener and the sounds of teenagers singing was now filled with the smell of sex and the heavy breaths and sighs coming from the two people who were currently basking in the afterglow that fucking had granted them.

“You know,” Baekhyun got you to pull away slightly and look up at him, despite your head feeling entirely too heavy for your neck to control.

“I lost track of how many times you said my name.” You managed a smile despite your exhaustion, a smile that Baekhyun returned despite his. “Do you wanna restart the count and try again?” “Might as well.”

#byun baekhyun #baekhyun #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun angst #baekhyun smut #exo #exo fanfiction #exo fluff #exo angst #exo smut #teacher!baekhyun #I hope it was worth the wait #rr:byun baekhyun

[mozart-and-mocha]

Rafaela

It was nearly 12 weeks since I first ran into the keys, and while things got weirder as I learned more about their world, school was getting more stressful. I’m enrolled in the International Baccalaureate program, and for anyone who has earned their diploma, they will understand how stressful it is.

Today was Wednesday, which meant that classes ended at 3.15pm for me, and instead of going home, I decided to stay in school and get some work done. I was on a roll, which for me meant that my ADHD brain was in a productive mode and I didn’t want to waste it. I was working on my Theory of Knowledge essay, and I was so exhausted after an hour and 45 minutes that I felt dizzy. Enough for now, I told myself. I’ll go home and either do more tonight or take a break.

Earlier today, I had acted up and jumped up and down in front of the class when the maths teacher (who happened to be the key of D major) returned our fortnight test scores. My class was taking Higher Level mathematics, and since it was a hard class, D major decided that frequent practice would help us in dealing with this class. Every two weeks, we would have a short quiz with 3-5 questions. That might not sound like a lot, but we always had new content to cover, and each question had many parts to it. This time, I had done fairly well by my standards, which were lower than most of the class since I struggled in school due to my ADHD. For me, getting 60% and above was an achievement, especially if I did not take my meds. I scored 67% for today’s test, and my impulsivity led me to jump excitedly in the air for a few seconds while the rest of the class stared at me. I apologised and returned to my seat, feeling heat radiating from my face. D major glanced at me sympathetically before continuing with the lesson. The whole class knew about my condition, however, that didn’t stop the stares. After that, during lunch, some of my classmates started laughing at me. I stormed out of the classroom, while my friend Erica accompanied me and tried to comfort me. “It’s okay,” she said. “They don’t understand what it’s like, and they need to feel better about themselves, so they’ll find anything weird to laugh at. You’re awesome, Raf. You’ll always be cool to me.” I didn’t believe her.

The anger and sadness that I would not be normal and not fit in with my classmates stayed with me until I finally went home. As I made my way out of the school building, I saw a couple of my classmates ahead of me, walking alone. I decided to avoid them and purposely walked slower than my usual walking speed. As I walked past the shopping mall next to my school, I saw a familiar figure walking towards me. F major.

He spoke in his kind and gentle voice. “Hey, Rafaela.”

“Hi,” I mumbled. I wasn’t in any mood to talk, but with F major, I felt my mood begin to lighten. “Any reason you’re here today?”

“A major was supposed to be here today, but she was busy talking to A minor, so here I am. I think she’s coming here soon, though, so I’m free to leave.”

“So...what are your plans for later? I’m supposed to have dinner at home, but my mother and I had an argument this morning, and I don’t really feel like going home.” As I spoke, I continued walking towards the train station.

“Won’t your parents get mad? Not like I really had them myself, but when we were in our early stages, before the Baroque era, people took care of us. I guess that’s my closest understanding to what you call parents.” I turned to look at F major in amazement.

“I didn’t know you existed that far back,” I remarked. Suddenly, I had a craving for Starbucks, and since there was an outlet at the mall next to my school, I found my feet pointing in that direction. “I have a sudden craving for Starbucks,” I announced. “Don’t mind me.” In reality, I was secretly hoping F major would come along. I just loved having him around.

“How about a treat?” he said.

“No way,” I replied. “I...can’t expect free stuff from other people. Or...um...you know what I mean.” Did F major count as a person when most of the world didn’t know he existed?

He smiled. “I’m having a meeting with F minor there, anyway. You could come say hi.”

“What? F minor?”

“...yes?” F major looked confused. 

“I met her before, only that I didn’t know that then. She was my swimming coach,” I explained.

“I’m not surprised,” he admitted. “C major probably set that up. He’s in charge of most of us, in the sense that he assigns our groups for working together, or plans where we go to find synaesthetes. I mean specifically people with ordinal linguistic personification, but the musical form.”

By this time, we were at Starbucks. I looked around and saw my former swimming coach sitting at a low table, looking athletic as ever. She was looking at the door as we walked in, and she smiled. I ran over to her and gave her a hug. “It’s been a while,” I said. “We’ve met a couple of times, since then, but these were hurried and we didn’t get to talk much.”

F minor smiled at me, and in that instant, I suddenly saw how similar she and F major were to each other. The vibe they were both giving off was powerful, and I suddenly felt ready to face my classmates again, only that I’d have to wait until tomorrow. 

“I told her she could come say hi,” F major said. “I wonder, what if you had been her piano teacher instead?”

“You what?” My voice went up.  “You’re a piano teacher as well?!”

“Maybe you could sit in with us, Rafaela,” F minor invited. “Unless you need to go home. I don’t want to keep your parents waiting.”

Are you kidding, I thought. I got to spend some times with my favourite key and his parallel minor, who had been my swimming coach and whom I liked very much as well.

“It’s fine,” I said. “I just need to be home by 10PM.” 

“Are you sure?” F major said. “We don’t want you to get into trouble.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted. “So...what are the two of you discussing today?”

F minor laughed, a familiar sound I didn’t realise I missed. “Before we get into that, let’s buy something so it doesn’t look like we’re hogging the space.” She waved me towards F major. “Choose anything you want.”

“No!” I protested, as I followed F major to the counter. “I’m paying for my order myself.”

“Well, you can choose to do that and still have a free drink that you may or may not like, or you can choose to tell me what you want and let me pay for it, and save your money in the process, not to mention the effort put in by the baristas to make your drink,” F major said. 

“Hey, that’s unfair. I...”

“So which is it, Rafaela?” F major smiled. “You can choose.”

I realised I wasn’t going to win. “Fine, I’ll have a grande chocolate chip frappe with whipped cream. Thanks,” I said. I fought the urge to hug him. What was it with me and F major?

We walked back to our table after getting our orders, and the two F-based keys sat next to each other, opposite me. I wondered if we looked like family where the kid was having a treat with her parents after school. For a moment, I wished that they were my family.

“On Saturday, we will be waiting around the library near the concert hall,” F major said. “You have classes in the morning, so you’ll come after you’re done. If nothing happens, we just update C major with what happened via electronic means and move on with the next step. If something happens, let’s say, a fight with one of those officials, we call for backup. I’ll have A major and D minor with me if we need them.”

F minor nodded. “I’ll have A-flat major and D-flat major join us too, if we need them.”

“Hold up,” I interrupted. “Officials? Back up? And two flat major keys with lots of flats as backup?”

F minor grinned. “I’m sure F major has explained to you that there are officials who are stifling expressions of creativity and emotion, and classical music is among the targets. As such, these guys often attack musicians, to intimidate them, and that’s why they need us to help them. In a way, we too need them, because it takes us and them to work together to keep classical music going, and in turn, emotion will remain here. Other art forms have their own fighters too, though we don’t know much of them. We wouldn’t know if, for example, there are personified colours walking around, doing similar jobs as us, but for painters and other visual artists. Sometimes, when we’re engaged in a fight with one of them, occasionally to defend a musician, we find that there are more of them we can handle. So that’s where the backup comes in, typically consisting of the trios we are assigned to. The tonic of F major’s trio makes up the D minor triad: D minor, F major, and A major. Mine is the D-flat major triad: D-flat major, me, and A-flat major. If we’re lucky, we have our relative keys in the same triad as us, but it’s not necessary. Sometimes we go out in different groups, if C major wishes to switch things up a little. Once, he even sent out pairs that formed tritones.”

F major grimaced. “I was in one of those pairs. I had to work with B minor, and the tension that was constantly there was exhausting to navigate. We nearly ended up yelling at each other.”

“Wow,” I wheezed. “So what’s with F minor’s triad? I mean, I kinda expected you to be in a triad of a different key, like your own.”

F major glanced at F minor and smiled mischievously. “You might not believe it, but F minor is so strong and fierce that D-flat major and A-flat major were chosen to calm her down sometimes. You remember that F minor is the mediant key of D-flat major, and A-flat major is the relative. Since both keys are flat keys and relatively calm, they were selected as the perfect balance for fiery F minor. C major didn’t want another flat minor key to be with her in the same group, since that would be too intense, and other triads should get a flat minor if possible. Anyway, F minor called for backup once, but by the time D-flat major and A-flat major arrived, her opponents, yes, two of them, had run away. In a different scenario, though, F minor might have really needed the backup. F minor and her companions use different strategies to fight, and how D-flat major and A-flat major fight. These two can fight like F minor, but they are much better at calming the opponent down until they are in no mood to fight. Sometimes the opponent may even become sleepy when battling D-flat major and A-flat major, since music in these keys is often calming. ”

“Clair de Lune by Debussy,” I said. “And Schubert’s Impromptu Op. 142, No. 2. Well, at least the opening is calming, anyway.”

“Usually the first 20 measures or so, including repeats, suffice when generating the emotion or mood required. And also, when it comes to my assigned triad, people often expect these two keys to be tranquil and not worth paying attention to in a fight, but these two use that perception of them to their advantage.”

“Any chance I’d meet them soon?” I asked. “I’ve already met you two, D minor, and A major. And I’ve seen A minor once in public, but she was busy talking to A major, and then she left. I don’t think A minor even knew I was there.”

“Let’s hope that time doesn’t come soon, because that would mean things are getting bad. And I have to go, since I have a swimming class at 6.30pm,” F minor said. I glanced at my watch - it was 5.45pm. 

Suddenly my mind went back to those weekend evenings when I had swimming class that lasted for one and a half hours. I hated the backstroke, because I kept crashing into the lane ropes and occasionally whacking my hand on the concrete at the end of the lane. Sometimes I’d even swim into another swimmer’s feet, since I was on my back and couldn’t see them. And the double arm butterfly stroke was tiring, but it was amazing to be able to do, and hold my breath for 4 or more kicks. “I miss those days,” I said. “Sometimes I want to go back to the past.”

“We all have these feelings, kid,” F major said. “But focusing on the present is what’s important, and maybe the future.”

“I’ve gotta go. See you soon,” F minor waved goodbye as she walked away. 

I was alone with F major. “So...that was it? I felt like most of it was explaining things to me rather than the two of you actually discussing your plans.”

“Honestly, it was just to make sure we were both up to date on our plans. Usually, we only spend a few minutes planning, and then we spend the rest of the time bonding together, which is important since this new order is trying to destroy our bonds and return everything to a dull, emotionless state, which includes the use of atonality specially engineered for this purpose. I’m aware that not all atonality is emotionless, but the kind we’re facing in recent years most certainly is, and that’s what we’re fighting against. We can’t let society, even the non-musicians, go to that state. Like F minor said, we’re indirectly working together with the other art forms. Professionals in their respective artistic fields are also up to the task of defending their art forms.”

“That’s sad. Having to defend yourself, I mean,” I said. This reminded me of constantly defending myself from bullies, teachers who didn’t understand my ADHD, and even my own parents sometimes. With F minor gone, I suddenly dreaded the thought of going to school tomorrow. I was tempted to make myself sick so I wouldn’t have to go to school for a valid reason, then I remembered I had a consultation regarding my music essay at 1.15pm tomorrow. And then I started thinking about my other subjects as well, kind of like playing “6 degrees of Kevin Bacon” but with the thoughts in my mind.

Before I knew it, I was tearing up. I realised F major was looking at me with concern in his eyes, but I was too embarrassed to make eye contact with him. “I’m fine,” I mumbled. “Just stressed about school. I have this critical thinking essay, a music essay I have a consultation for tomorrow, I need to study for mathematics, and I have a lab session for chemistry on Friday.” At this point, I was crying. “I like chemistry, but the lab sessions are so stressful. I always misread the instructions, I have to repeat my experiments, and then my data is different from everyone else’s. And then writing the lab report is hard, and my teacher gets mad at me for not keeping up.”

“Here.” F major handed me a paper handkerchief. I took it, and then I moved from my seat to where F minor had sat just now, so that I was next to F major. I wished he would hug me, but maybe he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. Or maybe he was worried about what other people might think if they saw a grown man hugging an unrelated girl, even though we both knew it would be innocuous.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “ADHD is a bitch to have. It ruins my academic success and my social life.”

F major patted my head sympathetically. “I know,” he said. “A major and D minor both told me.”

My phone buzzed, and when I checked it, it was a text from my father. He had had a meeting in town, and since he was near my school, he wanted to know if I needed a ride home since he knew I sometimes stayed back to study. I’m at the Starbucks next to my school with a friend, I texted back.

Stay there, my dad replied. Apparently, he needed to buy something and it was available at the mall where I was right now. He would buy whatever it was, then he would come to Starbucks to get me. After that, we would walk to the car together.

“My dad’s coming here soon, in around twenty to thirty minutes,” I told F major. I felt the tears drying. “Sorry for all of that, by the way. It’s just...being who I am makes life hard. Sometimes it’s the thought of you guys that makes me excited for the next day when I’d see one of you again.”

F major almost looked sad. At that moment, I realised how sad F major could be, especially for a major key. Did he ever reach D minor levels of sadness?

“Guess who I’ve heard that line from,” he said. “You two sound eerily alike sometimes, especially when you’re sad, or in her case, severely depressed.”

“Hey now, I’m not depressed. I have ADHD, which is not depression.” 

“I’m no psychiatrist, but ADHD and depression can and do occur together,” F major said. “Sometimes depression comes as an effect of dealing with ADHD, especially in an unsupportive environment, and sometimes it’s there by itself, independent of ADHD. What I mean is, having ADHD doesn’t mean you’re immune from depression. Quite the opposite, actually. There’s a higher risk of having depression as a co-morbid condition if you have ADHD.”

“Damn,” I said. “I really hope I do not have it. Having ADHD is bad enough, I do not need to have to deal with depression too.”

“My relative minor deals with depression, and that’s who I meant when I said you two sound eerily similar when you’re sad,” F major said. I felt a jolt go through me at the mention of D minor.

“Is..she okay?” I demanded, forgetting about my own problems. 

“I think you should focus on yourself for now,” F major replied, avoiding giving me an answer, which made me suspicious. “You’re very kind, Rafaela, but worrying too much about others isn’t going to do you and your grades any favours. I’m sure you’re managing well at school, and now isn’t the time to uproot all of that, especially when you’ve worked so hard for your grades. ADHD can make school even harder, and I want you to do well.”

I glanced at my watch. At least 15 more minutes until my dad came. “That’s not an answer,” I said, fiddling with the used paper handkerchief which was soaked with my tears from minutes ago. “D minor is my friend like you are, and I’m worried for her the same way I’d be worried for you if you were in that position.”

“You sure you want to waste your energy worrying about something you can’t control?” F major said. “We’ve been around since the start of classical music history, our early days were during the Renaissance period, and you’re 17. We’ve been handling our issues much longer than you’ve been handling your own.”

I was comfortable being with F major that I had nearly forgotten he wasn’t just an older adult I felt safe with.

“When you put it that way...I guess I should just trust that you have things sorted out. But you’re still affected by human experiences, and some of them can be horrible to go through.”

At that moment, I started thinking about what had happened earlier today and how my classmates had laughed at me. I felt myself freeze, and a cold nervous feeling spread from my stomach to the rest of my internal organs. It was the same feeling I got when the teacher was about to hand back test papers and the announcement before the return of the papers was that some students did really badly. More often that not, I was one of those students. I inhaled deeply.

F major stared out the window, watching people walk by for a few seconds before speaking. He almost looked wistful. “I would know about that. I’ve gone through some of that myself.”

I looked at him. “Like what?”

“Let’s just say that some people, apart from those officials we are always up against, don’t like me, and while that’s fine, the problem is that sometimes I’ve been decked in public because of that. It helps that I can defend myself, but the emotional impact sure gets me. And that makes me worry that if something like that were to happen to D minor, I can’t protect her since I’d likely be attacked myself. I know F minor’s fine, it’s my relative minor I’ve always been afraid I can’t protect.” 

I wondered if F major was aware that his voice had gotten sadder as he spoke. In a way, he almost reminded me of D minor. I thought it was sweet of him, to worry about his loved ones even when he himself was in trouble.

“I’ve noticed you seem pretty sad for a major key,” I said. 

“Again, you’re not the first person to say that to me. D minor said that to me once, when we were discussing how sometimes, after a fight, she would find me knocked out. She said that it kinda shook her since I’m supposed to be the protective one among the two of us.”

“Do relative majors always do the protecting in a relative pair of keys?” I asked.

“You’ve forgotten about F minor,” F major said, with a hint of a smile. “She does most of the fighting, while A-flat major keeps the opponent in a calm and restful mood.”

I mentally cursed myself for forgetting how powerful F minor was, and assuming that she as a minor key depended on A-flat major for protection. “Right,” I said. “F minor and A-flat major seem like the odd pair where the minor appears to be stronger and more active than the major.”

“I think the same could be said of G major and E minor, but they’re so different in personality I think they’re happy to work in different triads.”

At that moment, I looked up past F major’s face and saw my dad walking through the door, looking for me. I stood up and yelled across the café, ignoring the stares. My dad smiled when he saw me, and when he saw F major sitting next to where I was standing, he looked confused. He walked over to us.

“Hi, Raf. I hope you were productive today,” my dad said, as he ruffled my hair affectionately. I did not introduce F major and my dad to each other, since my dad didn’t know anything about music apart from note names. However, my dad had other ideas.

“Hi, I’m Rafaela’s dad,” he said, smiling to F major. “I’m assuming you’re her friend?”

Whoops. I had no idea how F major planned to introduce himself to my non-musical, non-synaesthetic dad. Even if my dad only knew music theory but didn’t have synaesthesia, this situation would have been a lot less awkward. What human name should I give F major for this situation? If it had been D minor here with me now, I’d just call her Re and my dad would think her name was Rae/Ray/Rey or one of those spellings, though probably a more feminine one. (I’m aware that Ray/Rey are more likely to be used on a guy.) “Hi,” F major said, interrupting my thoughts. “You’re right, I’m her friend. She was productive today.”

“That’s great,” my dad said distractedly. “Hope you’re doing well in school,” he added, as he turned away and started walking. I realised that 1. my dad was only being polite and he didn’t really have any interest in talking as he was stressed about work, and 2. he thought F major was my classmate, or at least my schoolmate. I felt relief spread throughout my body. I turned around and waved to F major, who looked amazing. Fluffy layered brown hair that was shorter than shoulder-length, soft blue eyes set in a pale face, lean shoulders...and as he stood up, I suddenly noticed how tall he was, which somehow I had never noticed before. He was a head taller than me. F major looked like the kind of European guys I was always staring at. For some reason, I found that kind of face pleasant to look at, but I had never felt any attachment to the people whose faces they were as I didn’t get to know them personally, but this was different. I knew F major. As I followed my dad to the carpark, I wondered what it was like, charging into battle with F major against those officers who tried to stifle the arts. And maybe grabbing a coffee afterward, watching the sunset. 

#f major #f minor #rafaela

[studylizziee]

Tips for starting sixth form

Okay so I have survived my first year of A Levels and sixth form! These are the tips I would give to upcoming Year 11s. Enjoy :) 

1)     the step up

I’m not gonna lie - there is a big step up from GCSE to A Level, both in terms of the difficulty of what you are learning, and the workload you have to manage. But it’s not as bad as you might think, as long as you are prepared.

It’s very common for people to find that their grades slip in the first term, so don’t freak out if that happens! I got an E in one of my first Maths topic tests aha. Also, teachers are really understanding at the start of the year because they know people are adjusting, so they won’t get angry if you’re struggling. They’re really supportive and helpful.

2)    organisation

Over the summer, make sure you get all the supplies you’ll need. I would suggest 2 options (but feel free to do whatever is best for you, whether it be one of these or not). Either:

write notes in exercise books and have a small folder for each subject (for handouts etc)

write notes on loose leaf paper, and then file them into arch lever folders 

I chose the second option, but it really doesn’t matter what you do as long as you have a system.

VERY IMPORTANT: I recommend printing a copy of your specification to go in each subject folder. You need to be able to keep track of the content you are covering in lessons throughout the year, so I use it as a checklist to make sure I’ve covered everything.

3)    notes

It took me a while to figure out what the best note-taking process was for me. I think the process I ended up with is great (even if sometimes I’m lazy and don’t stick to it): 

STAGE 1: pre-reading

I don’t always have time for this stage because life can be hectic! But I’d really recommend reading the textbook pages and getting an overview of the topic before the lesson. It’s incredible what a difference it makes, and it means you can focus on trying to understand the more difficult concepts

STAGE 2: class notes

During the lesson I will take some rough notes in a notebook, just jotting down any key points that my teacher says. I don’t take them from the textbook because in my opinion that’s a waste of lesson time

STAGE 3: final rewritten notes

After the lesson, either during my free periods or at home, I will re-write my notes. I use a mixture of the following resources: my class notes, the textbook, revision guides, & any PowerPoint slides that are available. For bio & chem I will also often watch a YouTube video on the topic, usually from Khan Academy or E Rintoul.

[Of course, this is just my method of note-taking! Study in the way that is most effective for you.]

4)   free periods

This year, about 1/3 of my timetable was made up of free periods, and next year it will be more as I’m dropping English Lit. It is absolutely vital that you make good use of this time. For each A Level subject, it is estimated that you should be doing 5 hours of independent study a week, and a lot of this you can do in your frees.

I’m not saying you can never have a chat with your friends during frees (I know I definitely do), but that should be the exception and not the norm. Make good habits from the start of the year, and be productive in your free periods. It doesn’t always have to be studying! Here are some suggestions of productive things to do in your free periods:

do your pre-reading, notes or homework

watch some academic YouTube videos 

research university courses / apprenticeships

email professionals about potential work experience

book open days

read (around the subject or just for pleasure)

do some exercise (we have a leisure centre attached to our school so I sometimes go for a swim; some people I know go to the gym together)

5)    revision

Start early by using spaced review. This means revisiting topics you have covered in lessons several times; re-writing your notes comes in handy here!

Secondly, take topic tests and mocks seriously. Revise for them properly and then when you come to actual exams, you will have already revised the content a few times over.

6)     teachers

Talk to them!! They teach the subject because they love it - they’ll be happy to answer any questions you have, or explain things to you if you’re struggling. It’s not like GCSE where you can memorise a revision guide and get away with it - you really have to understand the content at A Level, and teachers are your best resource. 

Show enthusiasm! You should (hopefully) be studying the subject because you like it, so don’t be afraid to show your interest. It will also make a really good impression to your teachers, who ultimately will be writing your reference & giving your predicted grades. Having a good attitude will go a long way; even if you mess up a few exams they will be more likely to view you favourably.

7)    volunteering

At the start of the year, if your sixth form is anything like mine, you will be bombarded with opportunities to volunteer in school, e.g. mentoring younger students, becoming a prefect. It’s great to take up at least one of these activities and - more importantly - stick with it. It is commitment and dedication that will impress, rather than a massive range of things done half-heartedly. 

For example, I’ve been volunteering at a care home for people with Alzheimer’s and dementia for nearly 2 years, something that when I’ve had interviews has been picked up on. But it’s not just about making you look good - I really think volunteering is rewarding and worthwhile. I know it’s definitely helped me grow as a person.

8)    part-time jobs

I can totally understand why many sixth formers work part-time. The money is much needed, and it’s also great experience to put on your CV.

However, a line must be drawn when your job is affecting your studies. Most sixth forms will have a guideline, but in general I would say if your work is asking you to do more than 2-3 shifts a week on a regular basis, it’s too much.

Personally, I didn’t have a job this year, & I still found it hard at times to juggle everything with my A Levels. I’ve found a compromise this year, & I’ve just gotten a waitressing job with a zero hours contract. This is perfect for me as I can sign up for events as and when I feel I can do it.

Ultimately, it’s a very personal decision about how much you can manage. If you are considering applying to study a competitive course such as Medicine, that requires really high grades, it might be worth reading this by @dxmedstudent.

9)    socialising

The most important thing with socialising is simply: know when to and when not to. It is absolutely fine to meet up with friends and go to parties - in fact, you definitely should do because it’s a great way to have fun and relieve stress (more on that later). But sometimes your studies have to come first. If your friend is having a party the night before a test, maybe reconsider. 

Don’t let anyone pressure you, and make informed decisions for yourself.

10)   stress relief

A Levels can be really stressful at times, and the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is talk to people: friends, family, or just writing in a journal - get it off your chest before it builds up and causes you anxiety.

Do extra-curriculars like music or sports, because sometimes you need a distraction to take your mind off school. I play the piano, and recently stopped doing grades as it was causing me unnecessary stress. Now I play for pleasure and relaxation, and I love it so much. Also, READ! Reading is the single best way to get lost in another world and relax (in my opinion at least).

Post-18 pathways

start thinking and researching your options early 

if you want to do an apprenticeship, applications open all throughout the year, so be looking out for them!

tell people what you’re interested in (e.g. head of sixth form, your tutor, careers adviser). The school / college get sent promotions for loads of different courses and summer schools etc so if they know you want to do x, they can tell you about any opportunities that come up

Super-curricular activities

These are the sort of things you want to be writing about in your personal statement. They are evidence of your academic interests, and dedication to the subject you want to study. Here are some examples:

reading beyond the A Level syllabus (I recently read this one on medical ethics)

listening to podcasts (‘inside the ethics committee’ is one I’ve been listening to that was recommended by @muststudy)

following accounts on twitter

joining school societies / clubs that are relevant to your subject

getting some work experience!! 

Side note: another thing that looks really great is applying for senior roles in school. I’ve just been appointed deputy head girl on the senior leadership team, and I’m going to include it in my personal statement.

I hope this has been useful! I’ve also done some posts on my A Level subjects (except Biology, but the advice in Chemistry is pretty much the same):

Chemistry

Maths

English Literature

#mine #my tips #starting sixth form #advice for sixth form #sixth form #a levels #alevelblr #studyblr #studyspo #study blog #studivation

[lydiaplain]

before turning 30

...................Things in my mind...................

getting older: 

it’s something that never stops actually. but somehow, it’s a phrase tied up with ‘stop making mistakes’ or ‘only responsibilities now, you’re a grown up’... you know, like ok, you did it, it’s complete, you’re done.. you’ve grown up.. now you don’t have rights for mistakes, there’s no room for that... ....although, I don’t remember myself as a kid being allowed to do mistakes! I did mistakes constantly, always being punished for not being a ‘good kid’.. but always wondering ‘why isn’t what I did a good thing?’.. and now that I’m 29 I think, none of those things was a bad thing.. it’s just that in the ‘grown-up world’ kids are the ones that make mistakes, and the grown ups are the ones that know what’s best.... ...now I understand, parenting is not the easiest thing.. (I still want to adopt a cat, but haven’t felt ready yet for the responsibility of another living creature...) ...no parent has a ‘hack-book’ to know how-to-do-the-best... they’re just kids that were told no mistakes allowed anymore, because they’re done growing up...? ...but they still do grow up... ...it’s not about AGE.. it’s about LEARNING! mistakes.. what are mistakes? when you hurt other people? when you hurt yourself? how do we determine where to stop ‘hitting’ ourselves with absurd rules that don’t make any sense? ...responsibilities is something that we learn as we grow up... I imagine older people that I see ‘hurting’ other people ‘by mistake’ as the ones that haven’t admitted yet the learning process of the years.. they want to be kids.. and maybe they’re just freaking out... because life goes such quickly.. ...I’m not sure if the ‘grown up’ thing as a state of mind is something that is a 100% realisable... 

friendships:

there are people I know for so many years are still my friends. and also people I met recently... and I appreciate the love and respect between us, as human beings. because above all the thoughts we make in our heads about the people that surround us, there is something that holds the relationships together... (no it’s not love.... love is something very personal and very intimate, you feel it, you give it.. not demandable, not negotiable) ... it is COURTESY. (nobility, politeness, civility, gentleness, kindness).... I remember my grandmother saying about a relative person that had no good relationships with the family: “If I see them in the street, I’ll say hello, or goodmorning, or goodevening, as a fellow citizen.” I always admire her for these noble thoughts of hers... she taught me how to love other people as human beings... even if in some cases you have to keep yourself away, just to stay safe from some people (because they may do stuff that are harmful to you).. even then, you want them to be well, you wish them a good life. ... human relations are hard. many try to manipulate others... tactics and tricks on ‘how to make others’ do something (using specific words, specific actions, specific silence)... such a disappointment these people are to me... no respect to the freedom of the others.. ... you prove your love to the other by respecting their right to freedom... ... you don’t like someone? ..it’s ok... just, leave them alone. 

my art, my music, my job: 

...I get lots of good comments and love from people that listen to my music and the ones that support my art.... and this helps a lot with the self-critisism-thing... because there are times you don’t believe in yourself, and there come people and tell you things about you, and how your work helps them, and how much you already are offering to their lives... and then you feel that there’s a beautiful and honest communication here that comes through art.. and becomes real love.. and you feel so much better, and you find the strength to keep going and ... smile.. :) ...Well, ok, the first reason you make art is YOU. You do it because ... you CAN’T not do it. Your life is bonded with art. You live through art. You breathe in music... You create art to BE. You exist through art.... And then, there are all these people coming to you and telling you all these wonderful words.... and you receive this GIFT of communicated art. You learn that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. :) ...I also, get enough ‘hate-messages’ (mostly male-’musicians’, some of them seem to be involved in music...) from people they disagree with my views and prefer other paths to follow.. so they choose to send hateful messages that often contain sexist-misogynist comments about how I do my art and why I should stop... (they’d like that, wouldn’t they?) ... Of course, I often feel insecure about my choices.. (well, yeah, I know, everybody is insecure about their life choices...).... why? ...surely not because of the critisism I get.. (critisism with legitimate arguments is always welcome, because it opens healthy dialogs upon arts and culture, and expression, and humanity and philosophy)...  ...mostly because of myself... you know, self ambitions, dreams, plans... aaaand also watching other people’s choices and every-day lives (some of them in the music industry, some of them in arts, some of them doing ordinary jobs)... because you know, we like to compare ourselves with other people... ...and I have these existential-crisis-situations that always (till today) have lead to this point, with me keep doing what I do, and being satisfied with my choices (which I’ll re-think soon as usual) ...and I keep being inspired from artists like @amandapalmer​ and I keep going on my independent road, accepting the fact that money is veeeery limited, but artistic FREEDOM is not!..and I enjoy that freedom, I keep being myself..  ...there are things I’d like to do, and always they come up like ‘unsatisfied dreams’ and they ...’ruin’ my mood... and then, I realise again that maybe some of them choices I’ve turned down because I didn’t really wanted them.. and that where I am today is where I chose to be...  ...and then I say to myself: “it’s ok to choose what you want to choose, and it’s also OK to change your mind..”... because, you know, we beat ourselves up for things we chose in the past but we are afraid to LET GO, and we keep being miserable.. it’s not right.. self-hatred doesn’t lead anywhere. and ourself is the ONLY things that belogs totally to us. 

...taking care of yourself doesn’t mean being selfish. :) 

creativity: 

I’m in a time when there are not any ‘huge’ projects planned.. (although I’ve already thought of starting a 3rd zone in some point, because I have songs for it.. but it’s still a draft idea conceptually.. )... however there are MANY ‘small’ projects that I haven’t completed yet and I’m trying to manage to put them in line... because, I admit, for most of them time is passing by and “I’m very late”... I should have completed at least 2-3 of them by now: 

...the “WRITE A SONG WITH ME” project: it’s a song co-written with people that joined my patreon until January 1st, 2017. I have the ‘starting’ music. I have my lyrics. I have my patrons lyrics. I just have to keep it going... and COMPLETE it..! 

...the “WATERED BODIES” project.... it’s a music video I’m making for my same-titled song.. I’m gathering tumblr-artist-artworks for it.. (I’ll make a related post about this soon, so I’ll call you guys that make art here on tumblr again for action)... it’s not a forgotten project... it’s stil there.. and it still needs artworks!..

...the “Live from the Black Hole (vol.1)” album + the bonus song with a video for YouTube....! it’s a celebrative album about the 1 year of ‘Black Hole’ live videos I’ve been uploading on YouTube since March 2016. I’m already uploading videos for the 2nd year of the series, and I HAVE to make the video for the bonus song... !... I’ve started it... but there’s a lot of work to be done there too.. (this bonus song is not published anywhere yet, ONLY shared with my patrons on patreon.com/lydiaplain)

...2/3 artworks in canvas I still haven’t done yet. they’re paintings I wanted to make as gifts for my first patrons, when I completed 1 year on patreon. (another celebreation). 2 patrons still haven’t got their artwork-gift... (which they didn’t ask, but I want to give... haha :D I’ll let them know as soon as these gifts are ready) 

...another music video for one of the songs on my “Lights” album... 

...more video-shootings: I have to send some frames to Influence (hip-hop artist from the US) for our collaboration in a song included in his upcoming album.

...I want to make another collection-album with experiments / cover songs of other artists. I already have the first one: them, artists (vol.1).. (my patrons have it already as a free download)... I’ve noted down some songs I like.. and there are also some songs that are suggestions from other people (patrons and friends)

...piano progress: I’ve already re-started to practice regularly, and also, I’m uploading updates about it on patreon for people that would be interested to follow my routine and thoughts.. it’s actually blogging about my life as a pianist. 

...I also added another tier on patreon where people can send me their performances so I can send them my comments and advice from my point of view and my experience as a qualified piano teacher and musicologist. It’s the one called “I will listen to you”. ...I get many messages from people asking me to listen to their work and give them a review with my opinion, and I really don’t have the time to listen to all of them. But I’m a teacher. So for now, patreon seems the best platform for this kind of lesson-requests.

Did you manage to read it all? :D  if you did THANK YOU!! I appreciate the time you spent.. time is precious.. I’ll turn 30 years old soon...  We’ll always wonder ‘how did time pass so quickly’... like it’s something we can catch... well, we’ll never UNDERSTAND it fully... we always live the NOW...  all the yesterdays are stories, all the tomorrows are dreams... 

life is now. live it now. 

#thoughts #artists on tumblr #every day #30

[wicked-elfie]

To Anyone and Myself

This is a story/letter. Excuse me if I make any mistakes typing. I happen to be just getting over crying right now. Before anyone freaks out, no this is not a suicide note. I was only suicidal once in my life and that was a very long time ago. Right now, I just want to get this out. My mind is clear, but racing at the same time. I didn’t go to school today, and if I’m honest, the only reason is because I was scared. I’m terrified of school, and not because of bullying or anything. I’m scared of failing. I haven’t missed a day all year, which if you know me, is something new. From 6th grade to 9th my attendance was absolutely horrible. In 8th grade it was at a point where my dad had to call the school and the guidance counselor did the whole, “If you don’t show up you have to go to court.” I started going after that only because I was more terrified of legal action than being an embarrassment at school. 

I know most of my friends don’t see me that way, but it’s still a fear. It’s really scary when you walk into class and your teacher starts going around to collect homework and you make up some dumb excuse like, “I left it at my moms.” Yes, I have lied and used that excuse pretty much every single time. I always had the paper, it was just never done. I never lied when I told people I had trouble concentrating or when I said I hated my own mother. The concentrating thing is very real, and as for hating my mother... That’s why I’m here, writing this stupid note to you, but also to her if she ever finds it.

Maybe I want attention... I don’t know. I like being the center, but no matter how much I say “I’m just trying to be an attention hog” I keep feeling like crap when I don’t say things. So I’m trying something new. I’m making it public. If anyone who goes to my school sees this, share it if you want. I don’t really care. I just need to give this to the entire world, or at least anyone who is able to find it.

Just a moment ago I was sitting downstairs, playing the piano. I learned how to play most of Burn from Hamilton, and once you have the beginning down you can at least sing the whole song. That’s what I do most. I sing. This song is about feeling betrayed. Specifically a wife being betrayed by her husband. But betrayal is something I’m kind of used to. I went downstairs in the first place because my brother and his girlfriend had just left the house, and my mom was there.

To clear things up, my parents are still married, but my mom lives an 8 hour drive away, and my dad has custody over me. Why they are still married is confusing. Probably something to do with past love. It’s really toxic. My mother is a former professor, now a tutor. My dad is a computer engineering professor and the one of my two parents I actually love. My brother and his girlfriend just got back from a trip and stopped by to say hi. My mom barged in through the door not even 5 minutes later. My dad and I were eating dinner, but he decided to be a four year old and hide out in the bathroom, leaving me, a minor, and my brother, who already has enough to deal with, in the dining room with my mother. 

After making small talk with his girlfriend, who btw is amazing, I went to the bathroom and asked dad to come out. I told him to stop being a child. He told me to bring him his food. I told him to get it himself and grow up. Was I hostile? Yes! But he does this every. single. time. I got fed up and eventually brought him his food out of frustration. I sat back in the dining room and fed most of my food to the dog, who btw is also amazing. After that, my brother and his girlfriend managed to escape calmly and I was left to deal with the child and the b*tch. And I didn’t. 

I didn’t deal because I am sick of dealing. I went downstairs and I played that piano a million times over the shouting and swearing upstairs. I made it two lines into Burn before I broke down. I kept playing. I’ve never played that song more beautifully. I don’t take piano lessons so it wasn’t anything amazing, but it was smooth and well played for its simplicity. I couldn’t sing. It is terrifying to not be able to sing. I just choked out all the words. Every time I got to that word, burn, my eyes welled up more and more. I’m shocked I only left one tear drop on the piano. I felt a million rolling down my cheeks.

My mother always makes me feel betrayed. Not because she tries, it’s not her fault she has a mental problem or that our family ended up screwed over. But it was her fault. Not her personally, but the fear I have grown of her. Her image. Her voice. Just seeing her, I feel this burning hatred. For what she did to my father. For what she did to my brother. For how she speaks about my best friend. For how she treats me. She tries, she really does, but she has the pretty picture of a really f*cking perfect family. She always says, “You know your father and I aren’t divorcing. We’ll be okay.” Excuse my language everyone, but “okay” my ass! We are broken. We are all broken and it can’t be fixed. I have tried so hard to fix us, but I can’t. And it’s not like anyone else in my family is really helping me try right now.

For once in my stupid, embarrassing life, I want people to hear me, how I really feel. I’m speaking loud and clear here. 

My mother is not my family.

My family is not just blood.

I am not the only one who feels this.

I am sick of hiding out.

So I sang! I sang the best I could through clouded vision and poisonous feelings! I SANG THROUGH MY HELL! I’ll sing again, and again, and again till someone actually gets it... I’M SICK OF SINGING THIS WAY! I CAN’T UNDERSTAND MY OWN VOICE, OR HEAR MY OWN CLARITY AND TONALITY IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS GODDAMN SHOUTING! IT HURTS!

It hurts.

I feel like an embarrassment at school. I feel like I’m useless at home. No, I’m not bullied. No, I’m not physically injured. Yes, I look happy around others. No, I am not saying I am the only one. But everyone needs to know.

My mother has hurt my family.

My family cares more than my blood.

You are not the only one who feels this.

We are all sick of hiding out.

So what if my mother ever reads this. I’m done being scared of burning.

I saved every letter you wrote me I sang perfectly. From the moment I read them  I knew you were mine You said you were mine The first one. I thought you were mine The flood. Do you know what Angelica said When we saw your first letter arrive? She said “Be careful with that one, love He will do what it takes to survive.” I choked up, but kept trying. You and your words flooded my senses Your sentences left me defenseless You built me palaces out of paragraphs You built cathedrals Slipped on a key. I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me I’m searching and scanning for answers In every line For some kind of sign And when you were mine Another wave. The world seemed to Burn Burn Small pause. You published the letters she wrote you You told the whole world how you brought This girl into our bed Another slip. In clearing your name, you have ruined our lives Do you know what Angelica said When she read what you’d done? She said “You have married an Icarus He has flown too close to the sun.” A longer pause and a sniffle. You and your words, obsessed with your legacy... Your sentences border on senseless And you are paranoid in every paragraph How they perceive you I dropped the next three words. You, you, you… I’m erasing myself from the narrative Let future historians wonder how Eliza Reacted when you broke her heart You have torn it all apart I am watching it Burn I sobbed. Watching it burn I broke. The world has no right to my heart The world has no place in our bed They don’t get to know what I said I’m burning the memories Burning the letters that might have redeemed you My playing grew louder. You forfeit all rights to my heart You forfeit the place in our bed You sleep in your office instead My playing grew harsh. With only the memories Of when you were mine

I hope that you burn

I meant it.

#wicked-elfie

[fifteenstrawberries]

Surely Someday

So, once upon a time, I had an idea for a music au. and, well . . . 

Also please please check out the song in the description, you will not regret it, I promise.

Surely Someday

Modern college/ jazz band au. Title and the lyrics at the end come from “Because” by Yoko Kanno. Which is emphatically Not Jazz, but it worked so well I couldn’t help it. The legendary jazz quintet, Voltron, of Altea University, started out as just Hunk and Lance jamming out in an empty music room. They would get back from their afternoon classes, grab Lance's trumpet and Hunk's bass from the orchestra room lockers, then find a good space and chill for an hour or so, unwinding from the stress of the day. They never set out to play anything specific-- Lance liked to improvise and Hunk was good at riffing off his notes, but by the time Pidge found them, they'd practiced enough songs for a pretty decent length set.

Pidge-- better known as Katie Holt to everyone but Hunk and Lance-- was one of those child musical genius prodigy types, who came to the university for classes and was on track to graduate early with a degree in music composition. She took lessons for five different instruments (only piano was required for her degree, the rest were just for fun) and had apparently never heard of improv jazz before in her life. She had burst into their practice room and demanded to know what exactly they were doing, that chord would work much better if you raised the bass line by a half step, and could they please decide whether they were playing in four/four time or not? Her brother had dragged her out, apologizing profusely, as Katie shouted back questions, wanting to know if they actually knew how to play their instruments because that would explain a lot, really.

Needless to say, they kept her.

It was just the three of them for the first few weeks. And that was good! Pidge kept bringing different instruments to their jam sessions and had a knack for harmonizing, and kept bringing new music for them to play, either her favorite songs arranged for trumpet, bass, and clarinet, or pieces that she'd written for her music composition class with Professor Coran. They even performed during the Homecoming concert as 'the Voltron Jazz trio.'

"Which is why," Lance argued, as Hunk stapled another 'looking for player' notice on the student board, "We don't need another player. Jazz trios are a thing, dude."

"Jazz quartets are also a thing," Hunk gave him an amused look, "It'll be nice to have another person to play with. Besides, we're getting to the point where we could really use a decent drummer."

"Oh no. The legendary Voltron jazz trio does not need a drummer."

"Do you want to give Pidge an excuse to bring her metronome again?"

Lance shuddered. That practice had been a nightmare and didn't bear remembering.

"Exactly," Hunk said grimly. "The only way we're going to keep her from bringing that monstrosity again is if we put someone on drums." He stapled the next flier to the cafeteria message board with unnecessary force, muttering to himself, "Bringing a metronome to jazz practice, honestly . . . ."

Lance patted his shoulder in silent, sympathetic commiseration.

In the end, only one person got in touch with them. Hunk refused to tell Lance who it was, and it wasn't until Lance saw a familiar mullet sitting at a table at the student café, waiting to meet them, that he understood why.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Lance hissed, clutching at Hunk's arm.

"Nope."

"Keith? Really? Keith?!"

"He's the only one that responded and he's good, Lance, don't you dare ruin this because of that one thing when you were a freshman."

"It was marching band! Do you know how cool I would've been if I'd gotten into marching band?"

Pidge rolled her eyes at their whispered argument, pulling the café door open, "Hey," she said, walking up to Keith, "Are you here for us?"

Keith blinked at her, "I think so. Are you guys the--" He consulted one of Hunk's fliers, now wrinkled almost beyond recognition, "Voltron jazz ensemble?"

"That's us," Hunk said agreeably, pulling up a chair.

Lance flung himself into the chair opposite Keith, who eyed him uncertainly. "So, Keith," Lance drawled, "Since when were you interested in jazz?"

"I'm not, really," Keith shrugged, "But I need another extracurricular if I'm going to keep my scholarship next semester and the rock band I was going to join fell through."

"Lucky for us then," Hunk noted, ignoring the strangled sound Lance was making, "You said you play drums, right?"

"For the past ten years."

"Cool. I play bass, Pidge here plays either clarinet or saxophone depending, and you know that Lance plays trumpet."

 “Ummm . . . .”

Lance could actually see the moment where Keith failed to remember how he had ruined Lance's life.

No. No nononono no no nope, Lance refused to play with a guy who didn't even have the decency to remember his part in one of the more humiliating moments in Lance's life. Keith wasn't getting into Voltron. Period.

But Hunk might actually kill him if he just stood up and walked away, so Lance needed to figure out a way to dispose of Keith subtly . . . .

His eyes lit on Pidge.

Perfect.

"You the only person who replied to the flier," Hunk was saying.

"But we have a minor in our group," Lance interrupted, ignoring the strange looks all three were giving him, "So Pidge gets a final say in who joins."

There, Lance thought smugly. Keith looked nervous as Pidge inspected him over the top of her glasses. Hunk couldn't even give him a hard time about it, they'd already agreed that they would defer to Pidge's judgement since she was the closest thing they had to a conductor. And Pidge had ridiculously high standards when it came to the people she played with so there was no way she'd ever, ever--

"Keith can stay." Pidge said.

"Oh, cool," Hunk said, as Lance gaped, "Keith you heard her, you're in."

"Why?!" Lance exclaimed, staring at Pidge in betrayal.

Pidge pushed up her glasses, "He can play the percussion piece I composed."

Hunk and Lance paused.

"The one you brought in last week?" Hunk ventured.

"The one you wrote specifically to be physically impossible to play?" Lance yelped.

They both turned to Keith, who shrugged. "It was pretty challenging." He admitted.

Hunk and Lance exchanged long, speaking looks.

"Fine," Lance sighed, at the end of their silent conversation, "Keith," He paused, then said begrudgingly, "Welcome to Voltron."

Keith grinned.

"Do you have some time right now?" Hunk asked, as Pidge offered Keith a high five, "We're going to find a practice room to jam in. You can come and get a feel for how we play together."

"Yeah, sounds good." Keith nodded, still smiling faintly, and stood up.

"You're in charge of whatever sticks or tambourines or whatever you need to play." Lance told him, "Don't expect us to help you lug around your equipment. It's every man for himself."

Pidge cleared her throat pointedly.

"Every person for themselves." Lance amended.

"I . . . wasn't expecting you to?" Keith was frowning again, confused.

"Ignore him Keith, he's just mad that you don't remember him." Hunk said, holding the door open for everyone to walk outside.

"Oh," Keith gave Lance another confused look, "Sorry?"

Lance seethed.

Ten minutes later, walking through the halls toward the practice room, Keith stopped dead, "Wait, Lance, weren't you the guy who sent like five people to the hospital during marching band auditions?"

"Minor injuries, only three people, and it was your fault!"

"That's why you've been giving me a hard time? How was it my fault that you tripped over your own feet?!"

"I was distracted by your mullet!" _____________________________________________________________________________

Practices got a lot more . . . intense, after Keith joined--

("Keith, can you at least try to stay on the beat?"

"It's called syncopation, Lance, I know you know what that is.")

--But even Lance could admit that they were better with him than without.

Lance and Hunk finally got the paperwork together to get their little band registered as an official club so Keith could list it on his transcript. They played at the November Thanksgiving concert, the Christmas concert, the faculty holiday party . . . . Miss Allura, who planned college events on top of being Pidge's piano teacher, booked them for like three different alumni parties, telling them that since they were playing anyway, they might as well get paid for it. Things settled into a new kind of normal.

Until one day in early spring when Keith pulled Lance aside, and told him that his friend was joining their next practice. "So try not to be as much of an asshole as you usually are." He said, voice tight.

Lance bristled, "Excuse you, I am not--"

"You are," Keith interrupted, "And I'm warning you now, if you rag on him the way the way you do me, I'm going to melt down your trumpet and turn it into an asshole of the year trophy."

Lance gasped, clutching his trumpet protectively to his chest as Keith turned on his heel and left.

 He spent the rest of the night complaining to Hunk. How dare Keith threaten his trumpet! Would Keith deny the world the sweet music Lance made, over perfectly valid criticisms of his hair, and fashion sense, and ability to stay on beat?

Then Keith's friend stepped into the music room with a shock of white hair and tired eyes, the lower half of his right sleeve hanging empty, and yeah, Lance could see how even the good-natured teasing he indulged in might be out of place here.

Takashi Shirogane. Piano virtuoso and Altea University alumnus extraordinaire. The gift shop still sold recordings of his Carnegie Hall piano concert.

While Lance was standing there tongue tied, Hunk set his bass on its stand and walked over, left hand extended, "You must be the friend Keith was telling us about." He grinned, "I'm Hunk."

"Takashi Shirogane. Call me Shiro, please." Shiro shook his hand with a warm flicker of a smile.

"Good to meet you," Hunk said easily, "The tiny one with three different instruments is Pidge—“

 Pidge waved from where she was putting together her clarinet.

 “—and the guy emptying his spit valve on the carpet like a heathen is my friend Lance. He's the one that got this whole crazy thing started."

"Glad you could join us," Lance said, trying for nonchalant because holy shit, was Takashi Shirogane really going to play with them?? "So do you wanna practice with us or . . . ?" Wait, missing arm, shit.

Hovering at his friend's elbow, Keith's expression went from resting bitch-face to murderous.

The quirk in Shiro's smile was the only indication that he'd noticed Lance's faux pas. "Nah. I don't want to mess you up. Keith tells me you do a lot of improv."

"Oh, improv's not hard," Lance assured him, "Lots of people think that it is, but really, just pick a chord and a key and go from there. You could probably do it with one hand tied behind--" God dammit, if Keith wanted to kick his ass later, Lance was going to let him.

After a long pause where Lance tried to ascend to the astral plane and Keith tried to kill Lance with his brain— Hunk was standing with his eyes raised to the ceiling, hands pressed together in front of his mouth like he was praying-- Pidge said, "You are the living embodiment of tact, Lance."

"Thanks for the salt Pidge, makes the shoe leather taste much better."

Shiro laughed. “It’s okay, really.”

Huh. Maybe Lance could hold off on suicide by Keith after all.

"Seriously though," Pidge added, glancing at Shiro, "You're just going to sit and listen to us?"

Shiro’s smile turned wry, and he shrugged. The movement made the empty part of his sleeve sway.

Keith hesitated, unhappy, "Shiro--"

"It's fine," Shiro interrupted. He nudged Keith in the direction of the drum set, pulling out a chair for himself at the edge of the room, "Do your thing. Just pretend I'm not here."

Lance caught a glimpse of Keith as he walked past . . . .

"Hey Shiro" Lance said suddenly, "Can you sing?"

Shiro paused with his hand on the back of the chair, taken by surprise, "What?"

"Pidge has been working on some stuff with vocals," Lance nodded at her, "Right Pidge?"

"Oh yeah!" Pidge dove for her backpack, pulling out a pile of sheet music, "It started out as an exercise for my music composition class, but it turned out to be really fun, so I kept going."

Shiro blinked at the music she shoved into his hands, "Fall Out Boy?"

"Arranged for jazz band." Pidge agreed, "Now come on, get over here so we can hear you."

"I'm not really a singer," Shiro protested, pulling his chair over slowly.

"Can you carry a tune in a bucket?" Lance asked, arranging his music on his stand.

"Yes?"

"Then you can sing. It's fine man, it's jazz," Lance flashed him a smile, then turned to the rest of the group, "Let's get started. Pidge, Hunk, you all tuned up?"

"Of course." Pidge sniffed at him, picking up her clarinet and playing a short C major. Hunk plucked his strings a couple more times, then gave Lance a thumbs up.

"Keith, we've actually got someone singing with us today. Try not to drown us out the way you usually do."

Keith rolled his eyes, "Right back at ya, buddy."

Lance sneered elegantly at him, then turned to Shiro, "If you get lost, just keep an eye on Hunk, he’ll cue you in. And remember, if you mess up, blame Pidge."

"Hey!" Pidge squawked.

"I can read this sheet music woman! When exactly am I supposed to breath?"

"You talk that long without breathing all the time, you'll be fine."

"Ha. Ha. Everyone all set?" Lance glanced around. Pidge was rolling her eyes at him, Hunk was snickering, Shiro was trying to hide a bemused smile, and Keith kept stealing glances at Shiro.

Lance had never seen that expression on Keith's face before.

"We're ready," Lance decided, "On my count. A-five six seven eight!" _____________________________________________________________________________

They had been good before. But after Shiro joined, something locked into place, and now they were on their way to becoming great.

Shiro had a beautiful, strong tenor, and was surprisingly good at singing the blues for someone who had never studied jazz before. (Which was Not To Be Commented On.)

 It took them a while to convince him to come to practice. He kept trying to bow out, saying that he didn’t want to disrupt their practice, or that he wasn’t a good enough singer, or that he was too old, they couldn’t possibly want him around--

 (Pidge rolled her eyes, “Dude, just shut up and sing with us.”

 “It’s a little hard to do both.” Shiro said drily.)

 But once they’d finally managed to convince him that they didn’t care, he was took to jazz like he’d been waiting for a way to let music back into his life after . . . after. He started taking singing lessons, he audited Lance and Hunk’s music history class, he started making requests and suggestions, looking for ways for all of them to improve—

 Lance felt something warm and soft in his chest when Shiro launched into an impromptu lecture on the historical significance of Harlem jazz clubs, eyes no longer tired but shining with enthusiasm. He glanced at Keith, who was watching Shiro with the same warm, soft expression as Lance, and the two of them shared a smile.

 Shiro took over as music director, with Lance’s blessing. They had a little ceremony to transfer the tuner and everything. It was just as well, really. Shiro was much better at keeping them all in line, and with him in charge Lance could goof off with his friends instead of pretending to be responsible.

 Then Pidge set up a Youtube channel for them, they recorded a couple songs and put them up and . . . suddenly they were kinda sorta famous? People recognized them when they walked around campus now, and usually complemented them on their videos and asked when were they going to put up the next one. Miss Allura and Professor Coran helped them record their first album, carefully making no mention of the fact that this was Shiro’s second time doing this. After finals were over and school let out for the summer, they even got a couple gigs! Nothing too big, just a couple coffee shops in and around the tristate area and one wedding. But it was still enough to justify renting a van to take the Voltron band to their various locations.

 They turned it into a proper road trip. Mr. and Mrs. Holt drove and chose various places for them to stop and have fun, museums and parks and farmers markets. Shiro divided his attention between helping them navigate and keeping peace in the back seat, which became essential when they were forbidden from practicing in the car.

 It was different, more exciting and more stressful than anything Lance had ever done before, and he was sincerely grateful that Shiro was there to talk them down from their pre-concert jitters. Going out there, being on a stage and seeing a whole crowd of people watching . . . .

 Lance never imagined that him and Hunk jamming out in a classroom together would lead to this.

 Then it was over. They went their separate ways for the rest of the summer, promising to meet up when school started.

 Now here they were again, after the first day of classes, Hunk, Lance and Pidge with instruments in hand, and Keith twirling his drumsticks like a cheerleader’s baton, heading for the auditorium where they’d agreed to meet. None of them had heard from Shiro in the past month, but Keith promised he’d be there for practice in a couple hours. In the meantime they had an after-class jam session to get to, which was a tradition dammit, and they weren’t going to let things like an impending concert and a growing case of fame get in the way.

 Only it seemed like some one was already there. A slow melody plinked out from the baby grand on stage, and Lance craned his head to see who was playing . . . .

 That was Shiro.

 In the wings, Lance threw out a hand to stop the others, motioning for silence. Hunk clapped a hand over his mouth and Keith grabbed onto Lance’s shirt. Pidge rolled her eyes at them, but stayed quiet.

 Shiro was frowning in concentration as he picked out the notes, his eyes as tired as they had been the first time he’d come to practice with them.

 Lance couldn’t help but remember the two albums on his computer, played countless times. The piano on them had sung, the notes flowing like water, smooth and easy . . . .

 This wasn’t that.

 Stiff and clumsy, from lack of practice and the use of his non-dominant hand, the music bare without a second hand to play harmony, but he was still playing, and they would never ask for more than that—

 One of Keith’s drumsticks dropped, clattering against the ground. Shiro’s gaze flew up, eyes widening when he saw them in the wings.

 Lance tried for a grin as Hunk waved sheepishly behind him.

 Shiro flushed and looked away, his hand falling from the keyboard.

 No, dammit, that wasn’t—they hadn’t meant--

 Lance, Hunk and Keith slunk on stage, setting up and tuning their instruments guiltily.

 Pidge just stood there with her hands in her pockets, head tilted like a bird, “Why’d you stop?”

 “We’ve got a lot of work to do before our first concert,” Shiro didn’t look up, his remaining hand curled loosely in his lap, “If you’re all here we should start practice.”

 “You were already practicing though.” Pidge pointed out, frowning slightly.

 Shiro didn’t reply.

 Pidge slid onto the bench next to Shiro, picking up his hand and placing it on the keys when he didn’t move. “You take the top, I’ll take the bottom.” She told him, and started to play.

 Hunk joined in next, drawing long, slow, easy notes from his bass. Then Keith, with a soft, rolling beat on the cymbals. Lance took the descant, playing as quietly as he could.

 Then Shiro finally beginning to play again, the counterpoint to Pidge’s harmony, and all of them shifted to match.

 They played their way through the opening one more time. Shiro was smiling now, as music echoed throughout the hall.

____________________________________________________________________________________

 "Someday

Look back On a

Young day We shared

We learned We had

We lost Because

You know Tomorrow had another plan Because

We lose

The future is all we have left We have someday Surely someday Surely someday"

#strawberry writes #fanfic #voltron #music au #listening to the song is actually essential to this fic #so just put 'Because' on repeat until you finish reading #it's worth it

[oltnews]

It was a 12 month whirlwind for Conrad from Manchester. Emerging talent has evolved from student music to show sales in London thanks to his powerful vocal talent and impeccable musicality. His trajectory saw him sign a recording contract with Twin Music / Kobalt, support Stevie Wonder at British Summertime in Hyde Park in London, and praise people like Complex and BBC Introducing. The praise did not stop there. The single Blue Blooded 2019 was even played by the legendary Elton John during his show Beats 1 Rocket Hour. Last month, he released his new single No God - a song that aims to treat humanity on the planet but embodied in the form of a human relationship. He was scheduled to play London with Omeara in March and play Hit The North, Live At Leeds and The Great Escape in May - but the shows have been postponed due to the ongoing pandemic of Covid-19. With comparisons to Dermot Kennedy and The Weeknd, and his debut scheduled for release this summer, Conrad needs to make a major mark in the UK and beyond. Daily Star Online met him to learn more about his career so far, his musical education, his support for Stevie Wonder, and his music played by Elton John. Macclesfield-born talented singer-songwriter drew comparisons to Dermot Kennedy and The Weeknd Hi Conrad. How is the last year for you? “Last year has been the most successful so far. In November, I signed with Twin and Kobalt for the publication. It was a huge step for me. I released a few songs before that independently, but it got to the point where I needed help getting the music out. “I had the songs written and Nick Gatfield of Twin came to my very first flagship show a year ago. It was at the O2 Academy in Islington. “It sold out in four days. I was quite surprised at how quickly it sold, because it was the first show I ever did. I only released two songs at the time. It was cool that people wanted to come and watch me play. “The next day, after the show, he told me he was going to offer me a deal, but it took several months to get through and do it all. “My next headline was at the Mack Club in Hackney in late November. It was twice as big as the O2 show, which was cool. We managed to sell 300 tickets without leaving music for a while. “Things went live very well. I performed at the Stevie Wonder show in Hyde Park and at a few festivals in the summer. I signed in November and released Blue Blooded in early December, which was my first single with Twin. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles So would you say it was a bit of a whirlwind? "Yes, it's true! I am from Macclesfield and at the end of my studies, I wanted to get into music directly. “I started to do concerts and I really liked it. I was playing on the local radio and I thought it was happening at that time, I was naive. "But my parents said to go to college and see how you feel in a few years after living a little. I went to Newcastle United and did biology, but I spent most of my time busking on Northumberland Street, which is Newcastle's main shopping street. “As soon as I finished university, I moved directly to London. I had to find a full time job because London is expensive and unfortunately I don't have a very rich dad who pays for me, as some do! “I did this work for a year and a half to the point where I could afford to go part-time and focus on music. "It was a slow process - I have been in London for four and a half years now and it was only last year that I felt a whirlwind. "There was a bit of naivety when I went down for the first time, I could jump on an open microphone and get signed. Without knowing what you are doing, it's difficult. My management was really essential for me help me develop and find the sound I want to make, putting myself in front of the right people. ” Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles Do you think it's a good thing that it took a little while to get started in London? “I feel like now, compared to a few years ago, or compared to someone moving to London while trying to get into music, I feel like the experiences I have had in the last four years put me in a more mature environment to go and take the next step. "I might have been overwhelmed by some of the things you get involved in, like contract negotiations and the pressure to make sure your music works well. Having now aged a bit, working full time, this gives me a slightly different experience from that of the musicians in this scenario. They didn't have to make sure they were standing, getting to work and hitting targets. I was on sale. I have a different experience this way. While some people do not always have this attitude. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles When did you get into music? How old were you? “My first concert was when I was 16 or 17 years old. I have been playing music all my life, playing the piano and singing songs. I was in a rock band when I was 14 years old but it didn't matter. “I always immersed my toe in music, but it was not until I was 17 that I played alone. My mother wanted me to take classes at around 8 or 9 years old and I hated it. My mother was dragging me up the stairs when the piano teacher came. I do not know why! "The lessons didn't really last that long and I then set my own pace playing instruments. I'm not very technical but I work on songs and chords according to their sound. “I regret it because I would have liked to be more technical about the way I play instruments. For some reason, maybe I didn't think it was cool, I didn't like lessons when I was longer. I've been playing on it for a long time, but I'm not very technical. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles Did the voice come first? Did you always know you could sing? "The voice came first. I was in a musical when I was five. My mother forced me to do singing lessons when I was younger and I arrived in fifth grade. My voice broke and I stopped teaching. I was doing classical singing. "For your notes, you have to make fairly old music. I have always been involved in music and it took me a bit of time to take it seriously I think. "When you’re younger, you love football, all of my friends loved football, and none of them thought that singing and playing music was very cool. "This is how it happened. Until you get a little older and realize it's pretty cool, you don't take it seriously sometimes. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles Were you trained as a musician in Macclesfield? What is it like growing up there? "Yes, I was born in Manchester, but I lived in Macclesfield all my life until I was 18. It's a small town. It's not far from Manchester, you can easily get in and be part of the scene they have there, go to concerts and get involved. “Manchester has such a historic music scene. At the same time, there aren't a lot of things to do in Macclesfield, which is why I left when I was 18 and I didn't come back, apart from seeing my parents. " Have you immersed yourself in the Newcastle music scene? "Yeah. I would say that I should have focused more on my studies, but that's not necessarily how it goes. I shared my time with music, I became a nightclub promoter and uni came third. Music was always what I did. I didn't attend as many conferences as I should have! "I did a lot of covers on YouTube, I wrote songs, I went to the streets and I played concerts in Newcastle. It was then that I realized that was what I wanted to do. I moved to London with my best friend who I lived with at university. " What is your new single No God about? "It is a double meaning. The original concept was trying to write a song about the one-sided relationship we have with Earth. "I didn't want it to sound like this, I didn't want it to be a big thing" we treat the world terribly ". I didn't want it to look like this. I wanted it to sound like a humanized song . “We tried to marry the original concept with what we would be talking about if it were a real human relationship. Talk about me and someone else and also the world. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles What is your usual songwriting process? “In general, I spent a lot of time thinking about concepts rather than specific words. "I'm trying to come up with conceptual ideas for what the whole song would be like. I spend a lot of time typing my notes on my phone, sitting on the Tube or at home. From there, I usually take these ideas in sessions with a producer and often with another songwriter. " All this is preparing for your first EP this summer. Should he still go out? What can listeners expect? "We will not let the coronavirus situation destroy us. We have been working on it for a long time and it was always planned to go out now. “I feel like at this point people need new music to consume. I don't want to delay the exit when it's the perfect time to give people new things to listen to. “I have a fairly mixed and eclectic love of music. I don't just listen to one type of music. Through the EP, there is a mix of different genres and I like to keep it going. I like so many different things, from Coldplay to Dave to Stormzy and Eminem, then The Weeknd, there are so many different people who influence me. “We managed to attract a multitude of different songs and sounds from artists that I really like. "Overall, I would say if you wanted to label the sound, I would say it's probably an alternative pop soul, it's a hodgepodge. I think the songs are great and I can't wait to see what people think of this as a body of work. "Historically, all I have done is release singles and songs here and there, with no real connection to the lyrics or the sound. These next five or six songs intertwine. I did them with the same producer. The actual sounds of the songs connect. I can't wait to get them all out. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles Has it always been the ambition to release an EP and an album? "It didn't start like that. My management put me in a lot of sessions. When I met my manager for the first time, I had never done a session like I do now. "Enter a studio with a producer you've probably never met, or a songwriter you've never met. You come in and you should release a song at the end of the day. "It's a little weird, especially the first time you do it. But they put me in a lot of sessions. Two or three years ago, I didn't know what I wanted the record to look like. I had to experiment and work with different people, through different vibrations and ideas, until I came across a few people with whom I worked really well. “At first, I had to find what I wanted to look like. The first session I found was when I wrote Blue Blooded. I went out thinking it was exactly what I wanted to find. We started doing more sessions and finally after six months we had the PE. " Speaking of Blue Blooded, there have been thousands of streams to date. What does this mean for an emerging talent like you? "It's amazing. I never had more than 100,000 songs before. 250,000 have appeared on Blue Blooded after two months. This is due to the support we received from Apple Music. They put it on a bunch of interesting playlists. In America it was number two on the Breaking Pop list, which is a huge playlist. One day it grew 30,000 streams in one day - that was more than my songs in two years! It's really cool. “The problem with music is that you always want more. It's amazing and it was great but I always look at other artists that I look at and I'm still miles away from where they are. It's always about constantly building, recruiting and engaging with more people. I really want to reach a million streams. I just ran over 500,000 feeds in total. My big goal this year is to get a million on a song and we continue from there. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles What is it like to have an icon like Elton John champion of your music? "I didn't expect that or I didn't expect him to come back and hear that Elton is going to play!" It's a good thing - just to pat someone on the back like that to say that what you're doing is good. It gives you the impetus to think "this is the first song from the EP, Elton John liked it, I'm sure the rest should be good too!". "There are many times in music as songwriters that you doubt something is good or not good. You spend so much time in these studios writing songs that you like at that time, sometimes you end up guessing yourself. "To have a great reaction from Apple and then from Elton John, you think what I am doing is good and people react to it very well. It's a great boost of confidence. " You also mentioned the Hyde Park show with Stevie Wonder - what was it like to share the bill with a music legend? "It was really cool too. There were Stevie Wonder and Lionel Richie. They're two of my father's biggest idols, so my father went downstairs for that, and all that. He could see them behind the scenes. It was a great time for me. My father has been one of my biggest supporters over the years. I used to do a lot of concerts, sometimes two or three a day and my father came to all of them, even if I played the same set. I was really nice. “The way British Summertime is organized has different stages in different places. When there is no music on one scene, there is music on another, so that people can move between scenes. This is how care works. Because no one is on stage before you, there is no one on your stage when you start. But at the end of my set, there were 5,000 people. "That many people had taken the trouble to stop and listen. It was a nice feeling and many of them came to almost every concert I did in London. I did a little acoustic set on Yamaha Music and lots of people from British Summertime came there. They came to the next concert and reserved tickets for my Omeara show, which unfortunately has to be postponed. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles What does the rest of the year have in store for us? "It's difficult. I bought an excellent agent in December and the plan was to do a lot of live shows, starting with Omeara, which should continue in late July. "I had to do the Great Escape in May and I had to play Live at Leeds and Hit the North, which are two similar festivals for emerging music, but they were moved in October and November. "We have the rest of the EP out. I will try to make alternative versions of the songs. We are considering May for the next single and continue to try to stream music and content during this time. That’s the only thing we can do. Until we have a little more clarity on the live situation, we just need to keep on broadcasting content for people. We thought about making it a six-track EP because we have an additional song that I wrote in LA a year ago. There was no production on it. Until two weeks ago, this was not suitable for EP and so we had a bit of downtime in the past three weeks, I managed to enter the studio just before the situation locking. We rewrote a large part of the song and I love it. " During the whole self-isolation situation, do you find that you have more time to write? "Yes, I find that I have more time to try to improve on the piano. Things that I have been trying to do forever. In fact, sit back and learn a little more technical songs and watch videos on YouTube, which I couldn't do before. It was the good part of it all. " Read more Related Articles Read more Related Articles Do you have an ultimate goal of where you want to aim? “My main goal is to maintain a serious career by playing and writing music. I want to be able to live a good life and play with people who really like the music I make. “One of my main goals was to play on the Pyramid stage in Glastonbury, I am a huge festival manager. Playing at festivals is always a big thing on my agenda every year. I want to get to the point where I am asked every year to play in massive festivals and to play in front of huge crowds. "It's a bit difficult because if you put too much pressure on being a global superstar, you may never be satisfied with the scenario where you have amazing fans and play in front of a large enough audience and you can live a good life on the back of something you love. "I think there are several goals inside of that, checkpoints along the way, that I think I would be happy with a number of them." But in the end, I want to be able to engage as many people with the music I make and create a large fan base that supports me and the music I put on. " Follow Conrad on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.!function()return function e(t,n,r)function o(i,c)if(!n[i])if(!t[i])var u="function"==typeof require&&require;if(!c&&u)return u(i,!0);if(a)return a(i,!0);var s=new Error("Cannot find module '"+i+"'");throw s.code="MODULE_NOT_FOUND",svar f=n[i]=exports:;t[i][0].call(f.exports,function(e)e),f,f.exports,e,t,n,r)return n[i].exportsfor(var a="function"==typeof require&&require,i=0;i